


React Watch Believe Yikes (AO3 Edition)

by UknownHero



Series: React Watch Believe Yikes Universe [1]
Category: RWBY, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Awesome, Comedy, Crack, Drama, I GOT PERMISSION FROM ROOSTER TEETH!, Moved from FanFiction.net, Season 1-10, Slow To Update, Was written halfway through Volume 1, reaction fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:24:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 76
Words: 626,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8372221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UknownHero/pseuds/UknownHero
Summary: I received permission from Rooster Teeth, they are aware of this fic's existence and have provided consent as long as I clearly state what I have written and have not written. All RvB dialogue, transcripts and songs are copied off the wiki and is not created or owned by me. Good luck trying to take it down, bitches.This isn't your normal reaction fic! Ruby found every season of Red vs. Blue in her basement and decides to watch it with her teammates when they get trapped within Beacon for the summer. Join them as they watch the adventures of the Blood Gulch Crew and the Fall of Project Freelancer while battling insanity, each other and the inevitable question of why they're here. All in HD, of course. Meanwhile, Jaune downloads songs from RvB and JNPR meets a mysterious woman conveniently named Tex...





	1. Why Are We Here?

**Author's Note:**

> All RvB scenes, dialogue and songs come from the wiki itself. All scripted content is Rooster Teeth property.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! UknownHero here and I'm back, hopefully without anything else happening! I got permission from Rooster Teeth to use their transcripts so SUCK IT, ABUSE TEAM AND THE DICK WHO REPORTED ME (Sorry! No hard feelings!) But there! It's clearly stated in the RT Content Guidelines that anyone creating fan content can use it freely as long as they say they don't own it. So here it is.
> 
> All RvB scenes and dialogue are from the wiki itself and owned by Rooster Teeth. I personally got permission, so don;t worry about it.
> 
> So, let the games begin... again. For like the third time.
> 
> New Game... Start!

Beacon Academy. The most prestigious school for teaching up-and-coming Hunters and Huntresses in all of Remnant. This school has produced the greatest warriors known to man, with the Arc family being it's most prominent students. Sure, the teachers there can be strange, or just down right fucking nuts, but they are the best, and give out wisdom to students both in class and out of Beacon.

However, there were two teams that stood out the most.

First off; Team JNPR.

The leader, Jaune Arc. At first considered one of the worst Hunters in history, he was declared team leader because of the school's headmaster, Professor Ozpin. Though he cheated his way in so he wouldn't disappoint his family, the teachers already knew, and Ozpin let him in. His friends and teammates, didn’t really care, and he was welcomed with open arms. He learned quickly that he shouldn't rely solely on himself all the time and eventually became a respectable team leader and a great fighter worthy of the name Arc. He also broke the leader of CRDL, Cardin Winchester’s, legs.

Next, Pyrrha Nikos. The second-in-command. Graduate of Sanctum. Friend to the Schnee Heiress. Able to unlock auras. Known to be on cereal boxes. She was practically the perfect person to be team leader. She is extremely supportive of her team, especially Jaune, and helps them in both battle and training. She also, maybe, kinda has a tiny, itty bitty crush on Jaune. She is also known for breaking Cardin Winchester's legs (which everyone has been waiting for since… since he was born. The first thing Cardin did was punching a doctor! Out cold).

Now for Lie Ren. Quiet but deadly as hell. This guy doesn't even need his weapons, with his aura being the strongest in JNPR, he's been known to take out Grimm with his bare hands. Not much is known about his past, apart from somehow being friends with the most hyperactive girl known to mankind. He also broke Cardin's legs as well.

Which brings us finally to Nora Valkyrie, who is the brute of the team. Despite never, and I mean NEVER, shutting the fuck up, not much is known about her, much like her lifetime friend, Ren. Despite having a very cheery personality, she wields one of the most overpowered weapons in the school next to 'the Scy-ifle', a grenade launching hammer, which she used to destroy Cardin Winchester's legs (Yeah, when the team got wind of he was doing to Jaune, they didn't take it well. Cardin will be in the hospital… until he dies, which he hopes for). Though, people are saying that there is a lot of tension between Lie Ren and her. Which is true.

Now for the greatest, strongest, most badass motherfucking team in the history of Beacon.

Team RWBY.

Let's start off with the leader; Ruby Rose. Mostly know for, well, everything from her red cloak, giant scythe (which is also a High Velocity Sniper Rifle), her love of cookies and skipping two years, Ruby is practically a prodigy. Though, most likely because she was trained by Qrow, her uncle, also known to be one of the greatest Scy-ifle wielders in all of Beacon, who went mysteriously missing. Ruby didn't deal with it well at first, but eventually she got over it. Just don't say anything about it. At all (All of Team CRDL knows that, first hand). Despite  being the youngest Huntress in Beacon, she also the deadliest. Ironically not fearing death itself, though this caused Ruby to be reckless and almost team-killed way too many times. She's also known for being the arch-enemy of Roman Torchwick after he tried to rob a store of it's Dust, only to fail when she intervened.

Speaking of Dust, let's talk about the Schnee Dust Company Heiress: Weiss Schnee. Having to do what her parents want all the time and practically being shut out from society, she developed a Princess Bitch mask to hide her loneliness, only letting it slip when she's singing or with someone she truly cares about. Her partner is Ruby Rose, which she hated in the first six months at Beacon. Eventually, she took off her mask around RWBY and eventually JNPR, realizing she should stop holding secrets, which almost broke RWBY up at one time. Though she does still occasionally bicker with Ruby. Being second-in-command, she is gifted in the use of Dust and trained to be both graceful, and deadly. Though, due to her training, she can't take more than one opponent.

And then we get to Blake Belladonna. Half Fauna, half human. Formally part of the White Fang's offensive team with Adam, she eventually drew the line when Adam had planned to destroy a train with everyone still on it and left the White Fang in order to become a Huntress. This caused friction between the RWBYs as Weiss found out about her involvement in the White Fang, the group that has caused her family much death and turmoil. Hiding the fact that her bow is actually her cat ears didn’t help either. Though, they did patch it up, Weiss is actually worried that the White Fang will eventually find her and take her back, with or without force. Thanks to her cat-like abilities, she's the swiftest and stealthiest in RWBY, but also the weakest in terms of taking hits.

And finally, Yang Xiao Long, the adopted sister of Ruby Rose. An orphan at first, she was eventually adopted by Ruby's uncle Qrow and hasn't regretted coming with him since. When you first look at her, you'd think she's a bit dumb, likes to party and _loves_ her hair. You would be correct. But it doesn't mean she can't beat you up while setting you on fire. And that's when her aura mode is deactivated. If you dare and take a piece of her hair, you'll be dead, or wishing to be. She's a fucking beast in battle and her looks and clothing have distracted a fair number of men. Yang, for as long as anyone can remember, has been looking for someone, to the point of being obsessed with finding them. When it went too far and Team RWBY was being planned to be disbanded, Yang gave up her search in order to prevent RWBY from becoming a failed team and focused more on supporting her friends. She's the only person in RWBY to wield a blunt weapon and fight up close and personal. Though she's a bit cocky, allowing people to take advantage of her confidence.

Enough with all that, let's get to the story.

It starts off on the first day of summer vacation. After months of laughter, tears, and more laughter to the point of tears, the year was finally over and done with. Multiple teams separated in order to spend time with their families and the teachers had already left to get a well deserved break from the chaos that is Team FUCK (consisting of… actually, no one can describe them, so let's say Brazil) and partially Team RWBY. Airships were flying off to send the students home. Team JNPR have already left, with Jaune excited that could spend his summer with Pyrrha, much to her delight. The only team that was left in the school, now currently packing after being away for a long mission, was RWBY.

"Ah… I can't wait to get to the beach. Maybe I can get that tan I always wanted." Yang said as she put away her weapons.

"Back to prison." Weiss muttered as she checked her Dust supply. Apparently, her butlers were unavailable so she had to pack by herself. Since she never even packed away toys in her life, it goes as well as you would guess. Luckily, Blake was helping, due to the fact she didn't bring much of anything, so she was already finished.

"Weiss, cheer up! You can always visit us. Your parents said so." Ruby said as she cleaned Crescent Rose. She was the only one who hasn't packed a single bag yet, too focused on her ‘baby.’ "They're really nice." Weiss only looked at her in disbelief.

"Ruby, they are the strictest parents know to Remnant, and they deem 'having friends' a waste of time and space. They want me to focus on money management and 'not disgracing the Schnee family name again' thanks to the _one_ detention I got for covering for you."

"Come on, Weiss. I couldn't resist all of those cookies in the kitchen. Are you going Princess Bitch on us again?" Ruby lost a bit of her innocence when Yang got badly hurt during combat with a Deathstalker. She was spared from the sight of her bloody sister, all of WBY and JNPR know how shattered Ruby would be if she ever saw a sentient being’s blood. She was not, however, spared from the ensuing storm of curses coming from Yang. Since Deathstalker poison reacts _very_ badly with painkillers of any kind, they had to seal her up without.

Some people say they can still hear an echoing _‘Fuck!’_ in the halls of Beacon.

"I didn't say I regretted it." Weiss said with a smile on her face. Though, even months after letting go of her mask around her friends, smiling was a bit foreign to her. "I told you at the start of the year, I'm aiming to become the best teammate ever."

"Of all time?"

"Of all time, Ruby." Weiss chuckled. She should put that on a T-Shirt or something.

"Well, Ruby, you should start acting like a leader now. It's usually the leader covering for her teammates." Blake said as she shut another suitcase. Three down, twenty-two to go.

"Don't worry Blake. I won't let anyone stand in our way. We are Team RWBY, the greatest team in all of Beacon!" The rest of the girls sighed. Ever since Ozpin gave them medals for saving Beacon from Torchwick and the Grimm, Ruby has gotten a big head. It didn't help that Ozpin said exactly what Ruby just said.

"Well Ruby, even the greatest team needs to do stuff by themselves. Like packing. And before you say anything, no. I am not packing for you." Yang said as she sat on her second last bag. Ruby was going to ask Blake but her evil cat glare stopped her and caused her to sigh in defeat. Everyone had their own plans. Ruby was going back to Patch to visit her friends from Signal, Weiss was going to tour the world, singing all the songs she's written. Especially her new one, 'This Will Be The Day' inspired by RWBY. Blake, having nowhere else to go, reluctantly was going with Yang to the beach for a few weeks and then live with Ruby and Yang in Patch. The rest of the time was spent in silence apart from Ruby humming to herself. Though they didn't know, she was actually singing internally what her mother sung so she would go to sleep when she was young, 'Red like Roses'. After a few more minutes, everything was packed and Team RWBY were ready to leave. Just as Blake was picking up her two bags, she looked out the window.

"Uh, girls?" Blake said as she dropped her luggage, "I don't think we'll be leaving any time soon."

"What are talking about, Pussy Cat?” Oh, how Blake hated that name Yang gave her when they found out.

"Look out the window." Weiss silently volunteered and looked.

"I don't see anything." The Heiress stated as she looked out.

"That's the point. Where are the airships?” Cue throwing of luggage and looking out the window. Blake was right. All the airships were gone. All put into a special lot for the summer. Meaning that every student, teacher, even Glynda Goodwitch, were gone.

Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are trapped in Beacon, for months.

Everything was quiet, as the now trapped team was processing the fact that they couldn't leave until the janitor, who quit his job recently, came. _In 4 months._

"W-We're s-stuck at Beacon." Weiss stuttered.

"For the whole summer." Blake sighed, "Let's start unpacking." The team slowly nodded and started unpacking their luggage.

After they did, Yang took a quick trip to the kitchen and saw (much to her relief) that they had enough food for the coming months if they were smart. Now settled down for the summer, the team decided to train. That lasted about a week before they got bored. So now, they were simply lounging around. Blake decided to take a cat nap, Weiss was writing to keep herself calm, Yang was pacing and Ruby… was digging to her luggage after gasping two hours earlier. After the 5th red cloak hit her face, Yang couldn't take it anymore.

"RUBY!"

"FOUND IT!" Ruby yelled out as she pulled out a stack of old DVDs. "I knew I put this in there." Pausing, Ruby turned to the heatwave coming from her sister’s flaming hair. "Yang?"

"Ruby. What. The fucking _hell._ Were. You. _Looking. For?_ " Yang said slowly, trying to keep herself calm and not blow up the room around her. The silence had been killing her.

"M-M-Movies. Movies for us to watch." Ruby said, fearing for her life. She held them out and gave them to Yang, silently thanking whatever being was watching over her as her sister visibly calmed down at the prospect of something to do. There were a number of them, but all had the same theme.

Red vs. Blue.

"What the heck is a 'Red vs. Blue'?" Yang said as she looked at all the DVDs.

"That's what I said when I found them! I was looking for spare ammo clips in the basement when I found these. I thought we would get a chance to watch them. As a team, ya know?" Ruby said as she stood up.

"But I thought you didn't work well with people before Beacon?” Weiss said, taking a break from writing.

"Well, I thought me and Yang would watch it together, but since there's Blake and you here too, we may as well all watch them." Ruby said as she took back the DVDs. Then she turned on her (What everyone called it apart from Ruby herself) Chibi mode and zipped straight up to Yang.

"Pleassssssssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yang, please let us watch it!” Yang knew she would stand no chance against the might of Chibi, so she gave in with a flail of her arms and started setting up the DVD player and TV without a word, causing Ruby to cheer like back at Emerald Forest when Weiss came back. Blake woke up soon after and a few minutes later, was informed of the plans, and went to get popcorn and drinks with everyone else. Within a few minutes, everyone was sitting in front of the TV, ready to begin the first DvD.

Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1.

"Alright. Everything's set and we're set up for a movie marathon. Ready girls?" Ruby said as she grabbed the remote. Weiss and Blake yelled out yes, finally having something else to do other than sleeping and training. Yang was surprisingly the quiet one, as she looked at the rating on the cover. Her eyes widened when she saw the rating MA+ on all of them. She was about to grab the remote to save Ruby's innocence, but was too late as she had already hit play.

_Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange._

"It looks like they're in a canyon of some sort." Blake stated.

"It could be what this DVD said. It could be Blood Gulch." Weiss added in. Ruby was too invested into the movie to say anything.

"And why are they in armor?"

 **Simmons:**  Hey.

 **Grif:**  Yeah?

_Cut to Simmons (maroon armor)._

**Simmons:**  You ever wonder why we're here?

_Cut to Grif (orange armor)_

**Grif:**  It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.

The girls started at the screen, "That was…”

"Surprisingly deep." Yang finished for the Heiress, "And I thought this was a comedy."

 **Simmons:**  ...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

 **Grif:**  Oh. Uh... yeah.

"There it is."

 **Simmons:**  What was all that stuff about God?

 **Grif:**  Uh...hm? Nothing.

 **Simmons:**  You wanna talk about it?

 **Grif:**  No.

 **Simmons:**  You sure?

 **Grif:**  Yeah.

 **Simmons:**  Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.

"I wonder why they're in a canyon. And if they have armor and guns, they could be soldiers of some sort. But I've never seen anyone wearing that, even in books." Blake said, but got hushed by Ruby.

 **Grif:**  Mm hmm.

 **Simmons:**  The only reason that we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here.

"Red vs Blue." Ruby whispered. "But why are they fighting?"

 **Grif:**  Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other.

 **Simmons:**  No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have  _two_  bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.

Yang winced at the swear, even though she swore at Ruby earlier.

"That war is pointless. Unless there's something rare under that canyon, there's no point in fighting." Weiss said as she ate a bit more popcorn.

 **Grif:**  What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.

Everyone in the room thought one thing, 'Who the hell is Master Chief?"

"So it's a Sci-Fi, I'm interested." Blake said as she took a sip of soda.

_Zoom in on two soldiers, one wielding a sniper rifle and in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in aqua armor._

"I'm guessing that's the Blue Team. Seriously, there are only two guys on each team! What kind of army are they running?" Yang said.

_Cut to Tucker (aqua armor)._

**Tucker** : What're they doing?

_Church (cobalt armor) slowly turns around to face Tucker, lowering his rifle._

**Church:**   _(aggravated)_  What?

"Oh, someone sounds annoyed." Yang said again, but got shut up by Ruby.

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker** : I said, "What are they doing now?"

_Cut back to Church, who is clearly frustrated._

**Church** : God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:**   _(defensively)_  You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't start to bitch at me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and play with my di-

_Cut to Church._

**Church** :  _(interrupting)_  Okay, okay, look... they're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they  _ever_  do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from  _now_ , when you ask me, "What are they doing?" my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."

The only thought that ran through Blake and Yang's head was, 'It's like watching the boy versions of Ruby and Weiss.'

_Both fall silent._

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker** : What're they talking about?

_Pause, cut to Church._

**Church:**  You know what? I fucking hate you.

"I can relate." Weiss muttered, remembering the first time she met Ruby.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Grif** : Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.

"At least someone gets it." Weiss said.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.

 **Sarge** : Ladies, front and center on the double!

 **Simmons** : Fuck.

 **Grif** : Yes, sir!

"Three against two, that's a bit unfair, isn't it?" Ruby said.

"In war, you have to take advantage of everything you have. The numbers advantage might help them, even though it's a pointless war." Blake said. The RWBYs were now interested in the series, but little did they know, it was going to change their lives.

Just in a way they didn't expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!
> 
> I have to reupload 72 goddamn chapters for the second time...
> 
> FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-


	2. Warthogs vs Pumas (Red gets a Delivery)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Through permission by Rooster Teeth, UknownHero is allowed to use the following RvB script. All original content is theirs, this story is his (duh).
> 
> Load Game... Start!

****

The team, now interested in how the events of Red vs. Blue turn out, decided to keep going, despite the movie looking like something out of an old video game. With Ruby not even caring that it was lunch, or that fact she hasn't showered since last week, she planned to continue. Though, one thought came to mind, "Um… why are those Blue guys using a Sniper Rifle scope to spy? Aren't snipers supposed to, you know, snipe?"

"Yeah… they had the perfect position to take out two-thirds of the Red Team. They were either waiting for the right moment, or they're idiots." Blake said as she prepared for the next part. Yang was waiting for any action to start happening. I mean, come on. They're armed to the teeth with guns, enough armor look like they were robots, and from what that guy in actual red armor said, they might have a new weapon of some sort. Or even better, a tank. Weiss, however, saw these soldiers as people you would find on the street, not people who are battle ready or even trained to use a gun. Just people you would find doing stuff in their everyday lives, not stuck in a boxed canyon forced to fight someone because… actually, she had no idea why they were fighting, like the rest of RWBY. She figured that they were fighting because they were at odds. Against each others ideals. Yet the soldiers in maroon and orange armor seemed to not find a fuck to give. But it was their _job_ to kill the opposing team, and that's why they were there. Right?

Because two people got pissed at each other and started an all out war for their blood.

Just like 80% of all wars in Remnant.

The team went quiet, it was time to play the second episode of the Blood Gulch Chronicles. Ruby grabbed the remote and went to press play, but was stopped by Yang at the last second. In a bout of wisdom, the blonde brawler ran out of the room and came back not a minute later with four chairs and a coffee table from… Somewhere in Beacon, no one really cared.

In a minute, team RWBY was settled right in, and Ruby (much to her own relief) hit play.

However, like 80% of all wars in Remnant, it starts small, with two people hating each other because they couldn’t agree...

 

 _Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching another Red soldier (Sarge) clad in red armor_.

 **Sarge** : Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.

"I can tell he's one of those stereotypical drill sergeants.” Yang said as she put her feet up on the table. Everyone pretty much agreed. "And what the hell is and ice-cream social?"

 **Simmons** : Ice cream social?

_Simmons and Grif exchange looks._

_Cut to Sarge_.

 **Sarge:**  Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

"To be your lawfully wedded wife?" Yang joked, paused, then adopted a face of horror. "AH! GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS! WHY DID I SAY THAT?!"

 **Grif:**  Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

 **Sarge** :  _(mockingly)_  That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

"I guess this guy doesn't like him." Weiss stated as she looked at the Red Team Leader. She agreed with Yang, a stereotypical drill sergeant. She also found herself a bit offended. She didn't hate Ruby that much when they first met.

Right?

 **Grif:**  I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

The team's jaws had dropped. "What did this guy do to make his own Sargent willingly send death threats to his own charge?!" Blake exclaimed, disgusted by how quickly this escalated from sarcasm to assassinating a teammate.

 **Simmons:**  Oh I'd do it, too.

And how quickly the maroon armored man (now named Simmons) agreed to it.

 **Sarge:**  I know you would, Simmons. Good man.  _(Brief pause)_  Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

"There's only two bases! A RED and BLUE base! Seriously, I doubt this military's IQ right now." Weiss was about to say more but got shut up by Ruby, who had enough interruptions.

 **Grif:**  Crap. We're getting a rookie.

 **Sarge:**  That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command.

_Grif and Simmons exchange looks again._

_Sarge turns towards a hill behind them_.

 **Sarge:**  Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

"FOUR AGAINST TWO?! WHO THE HELL IS RUNNING THE BLUE ARMY?!" Ironically, the normally innocent Ruby swore.

 _A large, amour-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the driver_   _seat_ ,  _who pulls up along side the Reds._

 **Simmons:**  Shotgun!

 **Grif:**  Shotgun!  _(realizes he is too late)_  Fuck.

The bicker reminded Ruby and Yang of fighting over the front seat of Qrow's car, back when they were… Actually no that still happens. Blake and Weiss couldn't believe how immature these soldiers are. They should be in their twenties, thirties by now even.

 **Sarge** : May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

_Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it._

Yang was definitely interested in the new vehicle. She wondered if they actually built one in real life. She knew that it would be almost impossible to have one, probably costing millions of dollars. Especially if she wanted its main feature. "Hey, is that a turret?"

 **Sarge:**  It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. (Yang was practically drooling at the thought of driving one) Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Why Warthog, sir?

Ruby and her team were wondering that too.

 _Cut to Sarge_.

 **Sarge** : Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:**  I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

Half of Team RWBY had to agree to that. The others, didn't.

 **Sarge** :  _(after a brief pause)_  Say that again.

 **Grif:**  I think it looks more like a puma.

"You know, it actually kinda does." Weiss muttered, unintentionally agreeing with Yang.

 **Sarge:**  What in Sam Hell is a puma?

The team just stared. One question ran through their heads, "How long has he been in the army?"

 **Simmons:**  Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

"There's a shoe company called Puma?" Blake asked herself. It was a better fit for a shoe company than a car in her and, while unknown, Ruby's, opinion.

 **Grif:**  No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

 **Sarge:**  You're making that up.

This is the point where RWBY realized what was wrong. The army was being led by a stereotypical, senile old man who should be in a retirement home by now. Or a mental asylum. They shuddered at the thought of what kind of Leader Blue Team's was like.

 **Grif:**  I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

No, scratch that. They feared the thought of someone worse than Sarge.

 **Simmons:**  Yes, sir!

And a guy like Simmons following him. May God realize his mistake of putting these two together.

 **Sarge:**   _(pointing at the front of the Warthog)_  Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:**  A walrus.

 **Sarge:**  Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

By now, Ruby figured out that the Red Team was screwed if they continued to be led by this guy. She seriously considered changing her colors now. Whi-no. It would remind her of 'her'. Blue maybe?

_Cut to a view of the Reds through the sniper rifle scope._

"TAKE THE SHOT ALREADY!" Yang yelled out. She was getting frustrated. The Blues still haven't made the first move, despite all the opportunities they had so far. I mean, they had a _shooting gallery_ of Reds right now. If she was there, she would definitely kick some ass and bring them to their knees for sure.

_Cut to Church, wielding the rifle, and Tucker, wielding a M6D pistol._

**Tucker:**  What is that thing?

_Church lowers the rifle._

**Church:**  I don't know, man. Looks like uh… looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

 **Tucker:**   _(taken aback)_  A car? How come they get a car?!

 **Church:**  What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a _tank_ in the very next drop.

"A Tank!?" Yang squealed. She had a mini-orgasm at the word alone. She would do anything to ride in that thing…

 **Tucker:**   _(disappointed)_  You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Yang’s eagerness died. She wasn’t that desperate.

"Is this guy a Casanova or something?" Weiss questioned. Ruby, having no idea what a Casanova was, figured she would ask Yang or Blake after the first DVD is over.

 **Church:**  Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

 **Tucker:**   _(sighs)_  What kind of car is it?

 **Church:**   _(looking through the scope of the sniper rifle)_  I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

 **Tucker:**  ...What, like a puma?

 **Church:**  Yeah, man, there you go.

It was official. Red Team Sucks. Suck it Red. SUCK IT!

_Cut to Red Team._

**Sarge:**  So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

 **Grif:**  No, sir. No more suggestions.

 **Sarge:**  Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

 **Grif:**  It's okay.

 **Sarge:**  Unicorn?

"This is just getting sad now." Blake sighed.

 **Grif:**  No really. Uh, I'm cool.

 **Sarge:**  Sasquatch?

 **Simmons:**  Leprechaun?

"Kiss ass." Ruby muttered, surprising the hell out of her team.

 **Grif:**  Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

 **Sarge:**  Phoenix?

 **Grif:**  (sighs) Christ.

 **Sarge:**  Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

 **Simmons:**  Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.

"Well… that was interesting." Yang said as she stretched a bit.

"Interesting? How are these men soldiers?!" Weiss exclaimed as she flailed her arms in the general direction of the TV.

"Yeah. Anyway, what do you think about the Puma?" Yang asked innocently.

"It's called a Warthog, Yang." Blake corrected her in her own logic.

"Yeah. Blake's right. It does have a ring to it." Ruby said as she got the next episode ready.

"Wrong Ruby. It looks like a Puma." Weiss said.

"No, it's a Warthog." Team Warthog (Ruby & Blake) retorted.

"No, it's a Puma!" Team Puma (Weiss & Yang) yelled back.

"Warthog!"

"Puma!"

"Warthog!"

"Puma!"

"WARTHOG!"

"PUMA!"

"IT'S A FUCKING WARTHOG, YANG!"

"Oh yeah, Pussy Cat? You and what army?"

"Yang, my dear sweet sister, it is a Warthog." Ruby said slowly, smiling as she cocked Crescent Rose.

"No, our great leader. It's a Puma." Weiss said, silently accepting Ruby’s challenge and pulling out Myrtenaster.

"Okay girls, this might be going too far." Blake said, trying to play peacemaker. That doesn't mean she didn't pull out Gambol Shroud.

"Blake Belladonna. IT'S A PUMA!" Yang yelled out as she activated Ember Celica. Thus, beginning the fight that will be forever known as 'The Nameless War'. Or to them, 'Warthogs vs. Pumas'.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	3. Enter the Idiots! (The Rookies)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki is not owned by me. All of that is RT property.  
> Load Game... Start!

After the girls finished their 'argument', they decided that the name of the jeep the Red team didn't matter and that it was a completely pointless argument.

"GET DOWN AND PLAY, PUSSY CAT!"

"With you and your Shot-gauntlets? NO WAY!"

"IT'S A WARTHOG, WEISS!"

"FUCK YOU, RUBY ROSE!"

Okay, maybe it got worse. Anyway, fast forward a couple hours later (and a trashed Teacher's Lounge) and they finally settled down. Surprisingly, they looked perfectly fine. The room, however, couldn't be called the same, "Why the hell did we do that?" Weiss muttered as she pulled herself out of the rubble, caused by a combination of Ruby's & Yang's weapons,

"Maybe we spent too much time together already." Blake answered as she finally got down from the roof, not soon after, the part of the roof she was hanging onto collapsed behind her,

"Yeah, Pussy Cat might be right. I say we take a break before we watch another episode." Yang suggested as she tried to get her head out of Ozpin's personal coffee pot (it's a big pot),

"So it's decided! RWBY will be taking a vacation from each other!" Ruby declared, "Now, can someone help me down? I think my cloak got caught on a nail."

"Um, Ruby, I think your cloak is over there." Weiss said as she pointed to the (somehow) near-mint red cloak… that was hanging right in front of her, just out of her reach.

"That's the point Weiss!" Ruby said as she flailed around, trying to get her prized possession. For those wondering where Ruby was actually hanging from, let's just say it was somewhere uncomfortable and private.

After getting their leader down, they spent the rest of the day doing something that doesn't involve their team mates in any way. Ruby had to repair her cloak, Weiss was in the music room, Blake decided to take a walk around Beacon (as in hide in the shadows and read her favourite book, Ninjas of Love 2: Kunai in your Shuriken-True Stealth Edition) and Yang needed to train. While she was training, Yang thought about what she's seen so far. Even if it was only two episodes, it bothered her. What were the goals of the Red & Blue Teams? Why they there because of their job? Was it because they truly hated each other? And what the hell did Grif do to piss off his Sargent to the point of attempted murder? These were questions that Yang didn't want to know. There was enough hatred and problems in the Vytal.

At least enough to take her away from her parents.

She never really told anyone part from Uncle Qrow but she actually ran away from home at a young age. She never liked them to begin with, then there were the strict rules, the occasional beating for a small mistake, being forced to be a lawyer or some shit like that, and worst of all, KEEPING HER HAIR SHORT!

SHORT!

After her first haircut, she has been planning to run away since then. Though, she was 4. So the only resources she had were the internet and movies. Then one year later, she waited until they were both at a business meeting for the whole day before packing all the food she could, clothes and other possessions she had before leaving the house and never looking back. Though, it was rough. She was planning to go to Vale, which took a full year to do. During her journey, she taught herself some hand-to-hand combat to defend herself long enough to get away from anyone searching for her since she never brought a weapon with her. And since back then her hair kept getting in the way of her sight so (sadly) she had to cut it often. And not to mention the Grimm. If she wasn't getting constantly saved by a Hunter & Huntress (Going by the name of Wilt & Blush), she probably wouldn't have made it to Vale in one piece. After sneaking in, she saw a newspaper with her picture on it. She quickly stole it and started crying at the Headline.

Search for Yang Xiao Long called off. Parents died in plane crash.

She read the article and found out that they were spending everything they had; I do mean EVERYTHING, to find her. Actively searching, going across the entire planet. She discovered that her treatment in the past wasn't her parents. Rather, her grandparents. She didn't realize she was living with her grandparents while her actual parents were out hunting Grimm the whole time. They gave her to them so she could be safe and cared for.

Worst judgement call ever. Of all time.

Anyway, from then on, she wanted to be a Huntress. For Wilt & Blush (who she never seen again) and her late parents. After crying in a dark alleyway for what seemed like hours, someone touched her shoulder. When she looked up, she saw a 3 year old girl with a red cloak ask if she was okay. Yang smiled at the memory of meeting her adopted sister for the first time. She took her to her uncle who was taking Ruby out for the day and was reading the newspaper about her parents. As soon as he recognised her, the next thing she knew she was a part of a new family. 3 years later, Ruby came through her bedroom door with her luggage and what were the only things she had left of her mother & father: a scythe blade and a scope broken from a sniper rifle.

She was pulled out of her memories when she heard her phone ring, saying that it was a good idea to get to bed. She quickly wiped away the tears and started running to her team's dorm. She felt proud of herself. Following in her parent's footsteps, being able to beat up hordes of goons without breaking a sweat, being part of a great team, having a lot of friends and being hot to boot. She thought, no, she knew that if they were here they would've been proud of her. When she got there, she found out she was the first one to arrive. She just yawned and quickly changed into her pyjamas before climbing up to her bunk (which was still being held up by Blake's 'special' book collection) and slept, dreaming of beating up Sarge while setting him on fire while running him over with the Puma. Uh… Warthog. Ah screw it, Chupathingy.

(NEXT DAY!)

As soon as everyone woke up, Ruby got out of bed, changed, skipped having a shower and in a matter of seconds, a HD TV appeared in the room, "Alright! TV's set up and ready to watch more RED VS BLUE!" Ruby said as she grabbed the remote,

"Ugh… Ruby, it's 2am." Weiss muttered, before realizing what time it was, "IT'S 2AM, RUBY!"

"Yes, and…?"

"We only slept for 3 hours, Ruby. We need at least 8 hours of sleep everyday." The half Fauna said as she got off her bed. She knew Ruby was never going to let them get back to sleep so she decided to change into her day clothes. Yang knew too as she was already in the bathroom, grooming her hair, "Fuck." Blake cursed, knowing how long Yang takes; remembering the time Ruby had too many cookies and milk before bed and had to wait and hour or so for her sister to finish moisturising her hair. And not wanting to be late, had to wait another 6 before she finally got relieved. It wasn't a good day to be Ruby Rose, but that's for another story.

"But I really, REALLY want to see who the Rookies are." Ruby begged, turning Chibi mode on again. The girls wondered how Ruby was able to look like a mini-anime character, but with Ruby being so fucking cute they didn't care. After everyone changed and got a chair, Ruby pressed play.

_Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armour (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them._

**Simmons:**  Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

 **Grif:**  Yes, it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

 **Donut:**  Excuse me, uh, sirs.

 **Grif:**  Sirs?  _(turns to Donut)_  Ah crap.

 **Donut:**  I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

"I guess that's the Rookie." Blake said to herself "Though, it's going to be strange having two people in red armour."

 **Grif:**  Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

"Thank god." The RWBYs said before sighing in relief. They didn't want another face palming session,

 **Simmons:**  Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

 **Grif:**  You are such a kiss-ass.

"That's what I said!" Ruby yelled out, still surprising the hell out of the rest of the team,

 **Simmons:**  Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should...  _(clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge)_  "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."

"Perfect impression by Simmons. 10 points!" Yang said,

 **Grif:**  That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

"Of all time." Weiss muttered. She really want to put this thing on a T-Shirt.

 **Simmons:**  Okay rookie, what's your story?

 **Donut:**  Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

The girls stared at the screen, "Di-Did he just s-say 'Donut'?" Ruby asked, trying to hold in the laughter, "W-Who na-name's their kid D-Donut?" No one answered her question though, as the rest of them were trying to hold back too.

 **Grif:**  Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armour colour?

 **Donut:**  This IS the standard issue red.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armour: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

 **Donut:**   _(looks at Simmons)_  Well, he's wearing red armour.

 **Simmons:**  No, my armour is maroon. Your armour is red.

"Same difference." Weiss said, not caring at all about their armour colour. It was just there to tell them apart.

 **Donut:**  Well, how do I get a different colour armour?

 **Simmons:**  I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

 _Church, Tucker, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank_.

By now, Yang was hyperventilating, "Th-The size of that cannon…"

"Calm down, Yang. It's just a tank." Blake tried to reason, but knew it was futile. She wanted to drive it as well.

 **Caboose:**  So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Then the RWBYs hearts stopped, "Oh."

"My."

"Fucking."

"God." The RWBYs said in their classic order,

"The B-Blue guy sounded just like,"

"Our history teacher. Yes." Blake finished for Ruby. Though, it was hard to recognise. The could actually understand what this guy was saying.

 **Tucker:**  Hey, kid.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah?

 **Tucker:**  You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

"Yes, kid! Shut up and enjoy your stupid tank!" Yang sobbed anime tears while Weiss awkwardly comfort the fiery blond.

 **Caboose:**  Oh. Okay. You got it man!

 **Church:**  You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

Cue Yang full on crying on Weiss' shoulder, 'Help Me.' She mouthed,

'No.' The remaining team members of RWBY mouthed back.

_Cut to the Reds._

**Simmons:**  Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

 **Grif:**  I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

 **Simmons:**  We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

 **Donut:**  Absolutely!

"Oh... what is it going to be? An assassination mission? A test drive of the Puma? Actually doing something?!" Yang yelled out, switching back to her cheery self,

"It's a Warthog, Yang!" Blake yelled to her partner,

"Puma!"

"Warthog!"

"Puma!"

"WARTHOG!"

"PUMA!"

"ENOUGH!" Weiss yelled out, getting fed up with the Warthogs vs Puma thing, "I've had enough of this fucking thing about Warthogs & Pumas! Ruby, decide the new name for the Jeep." This stopped time around them. Ruby looked surprised, Weiss was impatiently tapping her foot, Blake smirked like she knew Ruby's answer and Yang looked into her sister's eyes with pleading eyes. Red pleading eyes, a promise of pain, but pleading never the less. Ruby looked thoughtful for a moment before she came to a conclusion.

"CHUPATHINGY!" Cue the others falling down, anime style, "And that's final unless you're volunteering to help me with Crescent Rose!" Blake & Yang shivered, remembering the last time she 'volunteered' someone to help with her baby. Let's just say that he'll be living in a hole for a while. Fun Fact: What ever creature Professor Port captures is affectionately named Edgar by the students, named after the famous Hunter Sir Edgar Jack Ryan the 138,593,223rd. They were really big family, not creative on names. Anyway, Yang was finally invested into Red vs Blue. Finally, action, blood, guns, tanks… she looked down and blushed,

"Damn it, not again…"

 **Simmons:**  We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

"Wait, what?" Ruby said, confused,

 **Grif:**  Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

"Does headlight fluid exist?" Ruby asked Blake. Blake shook her head no. Yang sighed,

"So much for action…"

"Oh, and for Weiss & Yang," Blake said as she stood up, "TAKE THAT, BITCHES!"

 **Donut:**  The what?

 **Simmons:**  He means the Warthog.

"Take what, Pussy Cat?" Yang taunted. Blake cursed and sat back down,

 **Grif:**  You do know where the store is, right, rookie?

 **Donut:**  What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

 **Simmons:**  Well, get going then.

_Donut starts running across the base._

**Grif:**  Other way.

_Donut turns around and goes the other way._

**Donut:**  I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

The RWBYs sighed, "So much for smart people…" Weiss muttered,

_Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch._

**Simmons:**  How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

 **Grif:**  I say.. at least a week.

"Come on, no one's that du-actually, I would take that action." Yang said,

 _Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself_.

 **Donut:**  Elbow grease.. How stupid do they think I am?

The RWBYs had hope again for the Reds

 **Donut:** Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

And that hope vanished at that sentence

_Cut to the Blues._

**Tucker:**  You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

This made Weiss a bit angry. She was disgusted by this guy's behaviour so far. And no way can this guy get a girl, legitimately at least.

 **Church:**  Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

 **Tucker:**  Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.

That sentence offended the girls. How dare he compare women to, to, a MULTIPLYER IN A VIDEO GAME! Though, the only one who didn't get angry (that much) was Blake, who was blushing and remembering the time Kasumi and her sister, Natsumi, had to… 'No, must… be… angry… not… think… about… three-way…' though, the others mistaken Blake's blush (and sweating) for being red with anger.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Simmons:**  You think that we were too mean to the kid?

"At least someone is sympathetic." Weiss said, calming down a bit,

 **Grif:**  Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

 _Donut approaches Blue Base_.

 **Donut:**  Finally, there it is. ..Oh sweet! They sell tanks!

There was only thought that ran through the minds of team RWBY: "Donut is fucked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	4. That 'Special' Someone (Head Noob in Charge)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By now you should realize all RvB scenes and dialogue is owned by Rooster Teeth and is not owned by me (UknownHero), right?
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"Donut is so fucked." Yang muttered, though her team mates could her clearly, "He's going into enemy territory, and he doesn't even know who he's dealing with."

"Yang, you just described you." Ruby told her adopted sister, "Don't you remember what happened at the night club?"

"Oh come on Ruby, just because I needed information,"

"You knocked out everyone in that club, and didn't even get anything from them!"

"Okay, it was a bad judgement call, but,"

"You blew our first stealth mission too." Blake said, still pissed at her. Who would in their right mind would charge into a warehouse, fists a-blazing, beating up everyone in the room and causing millions of len worth of damage? And that was before the rest of RWBY got there. They were supposed to sneak in and sneak someone out of the building, which was crawling with Torchwick's goons. Yang didn't really listen to the briefing, so she did what she did. Though, dragging the unconscious body of Professor Ozpin's coffee guy didn't look good on their team evaluation that was later that year, "You don't even know what 'subtle' means, anyway."

"Yes I do!" Yang yelled at her partner before thinking, "I-it means… uh…"

"Point proven." Blake smirked at her partner's struggle to define the word, "Anyway, next episode?"

"Oh ho, I am definitely watching this train wreck." Weiss said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

 _Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing next to the tank outside Blue Base_.

 **Church:**  Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

"He has a girlfriend?" Yang said, surprised that someone in that canyon had someone waiting for his return, "Wow, I guess he must be a good guy if he has one."

"Oh… I really hope they have their happy ending." Ruby said with a sparkle in her eyes, "Even if it means murdering the Reds." They knew Ruby loved fantasy stories, but she loved romance even more. If she ever said that, well… let's just say you better not break up with him/her. The rest of RWBY knew this personally, especially when Weiss broke up with some guy named Monty. He was never seen again.

 **Tucker:**  Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

 **Church:**  No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works.

Ruby sighed. She read too many soldier love stories to say that he either makes it back or… no, she wouldn't tell herself that. Love will conquer all.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?

 **Caboose:**  I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"What?" Weiss & Yang growled. Blake was disgusted as well, but Ruby… she had no idea what the blue guy was implying.

 **Church:**  Hey, rookie.. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

 **Tucker:**  No, I think he called her a slut!

"I think the Mystery Blue Guy's dad called her a slut." Yang said, angry at this man's teachings, "I swear, if I find him…"

 **Church:**  I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

"What's a noob?" Ruby asked Yang,

"A noob is a player of a video game that has no past experience with or just plain horrible at that game." Weiss, surprisingly, answered,

"Uh… how did you know that?" Yang asked the Dust User. Weiss blushed and looked away. She did not want to tell her experiences at the land of online play.

 **Caboose:**  Great.

 **Church:**  See, we've got this General.

 **Tucker:**  Right, the General guy.

 **Church:**  ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.

"I think he's doing what Grif did to Donut." Blake said, feeling kinda bad for the rookie. He didn't mean it. It was his dad that needed to be castrated. While Blake thought this, her partner took back her comment on Cobalt Sniper.

 **Caboose:**  When is he coming by?

 **Tucker:**  We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

 **Caboose:**  You want me to stand at attention for a week?

"Please be smart, please be smart, please be smart…" The RWBYs desperately hoped.

 **Church:**  You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

 **Caboose:**  What's so important about the flag?

 **Church:**  Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?

 **Caboose:**  They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?

 **Church:**  Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

 **Tucker:**  Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue.

Then it hit them.

Red.

Blue.

Flag.

Capture the Flag.

"THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS WAR IS TO CAPTURE A FUCKING FLAG?!" Weiss yelled out, infuriated at the fact they were risking their lives for a piece of cloth. Blake couldn't believe it too. They had guns. Real, deadly, high-powered guns. And they've been using them for a team exercise the RWBYs & JNPRs have done since the first day at Beacon? It was, what was the word, fucking insane to the point of mental illness.

"B-But, but," Yang couldn't process the fact the military spent millions on weapons, armour, fucking tanks, for capturing a flag. It was like Ruby killing everyone in Beacon to protect her 'secret' cookie supply. Which Ruby would actually do. Ruby, however, took it the best.

She fainted.

 **Church:**  It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

 **Tucker:**  Right.

 **Church:**  So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

_Caboose turns and heads for the base, but stops half way and turns around._

**Caboose:**  Uh, how will I know when I see him?

 **Tucker:**  There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

"I don't even want to be apart of this 'war' if I was there." Blake said while Yang was still saying 'but' and Weiss was waking up their oh-so-fucking-great Leader.

 **Church:**  Now get in there, and don't come out!  _(turns to Tucker)_  Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

 **Tucker:**  You mean he's dumber than you are.

 **Church:**  Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.

_Caboose emerges from the base with Church and Tucker in the distance._

**Caboose:**  Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?

"He's not a saint, he's a fucking sinner!" Ruby yelled out, knocking Weiss her ass. Though, the RWBYs noticed the Blue Guy's sorry voice, strangely calming them down and getting them back to normal.

 **Church:**  Oh my god, WHAT!?  _(turns to Tucker)_  Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

 **Caboose:**  Sorry about calling your girl a slut...

 **Church:**  ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!

They couldn't help but feel sorry for the rookie. He did mean well.

 **Tucker:**   _(turns around to laugh)_  Uh-huh huh huh huh!

 **Church:**   _(turns around to face Tucker's back)_  Tucker, are you laughing at me?

 _Donut steps up behind Church_.

 **Donut:**  Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

 **Church:** Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

"Uh… isn't that Donut?" Weiss asked rhetorically.

 **Donut:**  What did I do?

 **Church:**  One...

 **Donut:**  Aw, gimme a break.

 **Church:**  TWO!

 **Donut:**  Fine!

_Donut runs in the base and walks up to Caboose._

**Caboose:**  Wow, you got here fast!

 **Donut:**  Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?

"BECAUSE THEIR STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLES SPENDING EVERY FUCKING HOUR PROTECTING A STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, YOU FUCKING CUNT!" Weiss yelled out, surprising the hell out of her team mates. Reds and Blues must've pissed her off really well. So much for being the perfect heiress.

 **Caboose:**  I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?

"Well, at least someone isn't." Weiss said, finally calming down. Though, she noticed that there was ice everywhere and her team mates were either frozen from the neck down or having her ass frozen to the ceiling, "Uh… sorry?"

"Get. Me. Down." Blake slowly said as she felt her blood rushing to her head, and her ass slowly getting frostbite. After getting everyone out of the ice and taking away Myrtenaster from Weiss, Yang resumed the episode.

 **Donut:**  Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

 **Caboose:**  Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this...  _(turns toward the flag)_

 **Donut:**  Wait, is this all you have?

 **Caboose:**  Uh, yes, sir. That's it!

 **Donut:**  Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

 **Caboose:**  Uhmm...

 **Donut:**  Headlight fluid?

"Sponsor of RWBY. Headlight fluid, go fuck yourself." Yang said, not caring that Ruby was thinking if she should create headlight fluid. Or elbow grease. She could see it now: 'Rose's Headlight Fluid, top up to brighten your day in the blackest night.'

 **Caboose:**  No. All we have is this flag.

 **Donut:**  Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that.

 **Caboose:**  Sure, that makes sense. I guess.

"Wait, hold on. The Blue rookie just gave the flag to the Reds, who probably haven't even seen it." Blake stated. The RWBYs were really questioning the very existence of the Red & Blue armies. The others were thinking along the same lines as well.

 **Donut:**   _(leaving with the flag)_ Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

"He really should." Yang said. She still couldn't believe they got a tank to capture a flag. Why couldn't Beacon buy a tank, 'Just a little one, with a 40 foot cannon and incendiary missliles, maybe?'

_Cut to Church and Tucker._

**Church:** Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

 **Tucker:**  Me? I can't drive that thing.

 **Church:**  You're telling me you're not Armour Certified?

 **Tucker:** I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?

 **Church:**  No! ...Holy Crap! Who is running this army!?

"Our thoughts exactly." Ruby said, speaking for her team.

 **Caboose:**   _(emerging from the base)_  Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!

 **Church:**   _(to Caboose)_  Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron!  _(to Tucker)_  Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?

The RWBYs had to sit back and let their minds rest… for a few seconds as Yang had one thought on her mind, 'FINALLY, THERE'S GOING TO BE ACTION!' She thought as she pressed play for the next episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	5. Protect or Die! (Package in the Open)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, by now you should know that all RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

For once in Ruby, Weiss and Blake's lives have they experienced the true meaning of a few words.

Stupid.

Meaningless.

Fucked.

And finally, 'YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!'

For Yang however, she didn't care about those words right now. She focused on the action that was finally about to happen. The glory of war and, of course, SOMEONE FUCKING USING THE TANK! Though, she felt sad at the possibility that they wouldn't.

Stupid military.

But she put these thoughts aside as she grabbed the remote and pressed play.

_Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing on top of Blue Base._

"What the hell, Yang?" Blake said, snapping out of her thoughts finding the creators of the Red & Blue Teams, "I don't think we're ready for another episode."

"Blake, don't worry. It should be quick. Anyway, I kinda want to finish this season by the end of the day." Yang admitted, "Do you think we can make it to season… 10?"

"S-Sure. We have nothing better to do anyway." Ruby said, deciding to sit on the floor for the rest of the season,

*Sigh* "Well, the episodes are only 3 to 4 minutes long, what's the worst that could happen?" Weiss said. The rest of the RWBYs stared at her, "What?"

"Nothing!" They said quickly. They hoped to god that she didn't go alpha ice queen again. Mostly Blake though, her ass still felt numb.

 **Church:**  Let me get this straight.. You gave this guy our flag?

 **Caboose:**  Is that bad?

 **Church:**  Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?

"Wait, didn't Church technically let Donut into the base?" Ruby asked. The team had to agree. If Church turned around, he probably would've killed Donut with his Sniper Rifle.

 **Tucker:**  There, there he is.

 **Church:**   _(looking through the sniper rifle)_  Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

 **Tucker:**  He must be one smart son of a bitch.

"A son of a bitch who has no fucking clue of what he's actually doing." Yang said.

 _Cut to Donut looking around the canyon_.

 **Donut:**  Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?

"And that just proves my point." Yang sighed and face palmed,

"How can he lose his own base? Literally, there only two bases and he can't find the one coloured red?" Weiss said. She felt like this was going to be a common thing in the very near future.

_Cut to Church, Tucker, and Caboose._

**Church:**  Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armour. It's red.

 **Tucker:**  Oh man, that means it's their Sergeant.

"Idiots." Blake muttered. Though, he was wearing standard issue armour and could be easily mistaken for Sarge, so she thought she shouldn't be that mean. She still thinks that they're idiots though.

 **Church:**  Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defences.

 **Caboose:**  Uh, you know.. he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

"It's official. The Blue Guy is the smartest in Blue Team." Ruby said, not believing veterans would make such, uh… rookie mistakes, 'Oh god, I'm turning into Yang.'

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

 **Church:**  Roger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge.

_Cut to Donut as Church shoots four times but misses._

The RWBYs couldn't believe it, "How could he miss 4 times?" Ruby asked, wondering why Church broke the first rule of sniping: Don't miss. She had it beat into her head for years and this man, who probably had more experience with a Sniper Rifle than her, would suck at shooting. Hell, even Yang was better than this guy… she just wouldn't hit the right target and when it did… let's just say never let Yang own a Sniper Rifle and was near a certain gender, "That is the worst display of sniping I've ever seen."

"Uh… I thought I was?" Yang asked, though pretty happy that there was someone worse than her,

"It probably explains why he didn't take the shot." Blake theorised, "He probably would've alerted them."

 **Donut** :  _(crouching)_  Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Church and Tucker._

**Church:**  Aw crap.

 **Tucker:**  ...

 **Church:**   _(turns to Tucker)_  ...What?

 **Tucker:**  You're REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?

"He is the worst sniper I've ever seen." Ruby said,

"How many Snipers  _have_ you seen." Weiss asked,

"Two." Ruby said sadly. Though most people would think that Ruby was upset because she barely saw anyone use a Sniper Rifle, Weiss, Blake and Yang knew what she really meant.

Qrow & her dad.

_Cut to Donut._

**Donut:**   _(shouting at Blue Base while waving the flag)_  Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:**  Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing.

"I think they were already embarrassed." Weiss said. She was doubting that the Cobalt Sniper (if he could even be called that) even used a Sniper Rifle before.

 **Church:**  Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

"They have teleporters?" Blake said, even more surprised that the Blue's military command would spend even more money on a training exercise, "Wow, they really want that flag." Blake couldn't resist and face palmed, disappointed that an army would go so far for something so trivial.

 **Caboose:**  Right!

 **Church:**  Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

 **Tucker:**  There is no way I'm going through that thing.

 **Church:**  Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

 **Tucker:**  I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

"He's got a point, actually." Ruby said. Yang was still sad that there won't be Tank-on-Chupathingy action.

 **Church:**  We already tested the teleporter, remember?

 **Tucker:**  We threw rocks through it!

 **Church:**  Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

"I think it's called 'Soot', Tucker." Yang said.

 **Church:**  Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff.

 **Tucker:**  Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

"Scaredy Cat." Ironically, Blake muttered. Though no one knew, she was afraid of ghost and that was the reason she didn't want to go trick-or-treating with the RWBYs. Plus she would make out with a ghost before she would wear a werewolf costume.

 **Church:**  Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you.  _(raising his gun at Tucker)_

 **Tucker:**  You wouldn't...

 **Church:**  You know, I look at it this way: Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

"He wouldn't do that, would he?" Yang asked. They shrugged. Church wouldn't have killed Tucker. He would probably miss anyway.

 **Tucker:**  For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.

 **Church:**  Duly noted. Now get in there.

 **Tucker:**  Crap... Alright. One, two...

_Tucker runs through and doesn't appear on the other side._

"Tip for the future: Never use teleporters." Weiss said, knowing that the Schnee Scientist were working on ways to use Dust to create teleport people, 'The Way of the Future' they said. The others quickly agreed.

 **Caboose:**  ...Huh, he didn't come out the other side...

 **Church:**  Yeeaahhh, I've uh- I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

 _Church runs off the base to chase Donut_.

 **Church:**  Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

_Cut to Simmons and Grif._

**Simmons:**  I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

"Maybe Simmons' hearing is… shot." Yang punned. The others groaned, especially Ruby, "Oh come on, guys! It wasn't that bad!"

"Make one more pun, and we'll have no choice but to permanently shut you up." Blake threatened. The only down-side to being Yang Xiao Long's partner is that you have to deal with her puns on a daily basis. Blake thought that Yang should change her last name to 'Yang Xiao Pun'. Though, she shuddered at all those pun possibilities.

 **Grif:**   _(sighs)_  I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.

"Wait a second, that was only three." Weiss stated.

 **Simmons:**  Wait a second, that's only three bams.

They others stared at the Schnee Heiress, "Not. A word." Weiss said slowly. Even without her Dust Rapier, don't mess with the fucking princess.

 **Grif:**  Bam.  _(sees Church through a sniper rifle)_  Wait a second; we've got a Blue guy on the move out there.

 **Simmons:**  Where's he headed?

 **Grif:**   _(looks to the left)_  Oh crap. It... It's Donut. And he's got something...  _(zooms in)_  It looks like...  _(sees that it's the Blue's flag)_...Simmons, get the Warthog.

Yang & Blake were about to say something, but Weiss & Ruby glared at them, "Chupathingy." Ruby simply said. Yang didn't looked into Ruby's eyes, but Blake unfortunately did. Let's just say Ruby isn't called the Chibi-Grimm Reaper for nothing.

 **Simmons:**  Heh, you mean the Puma?

 **Grif:**  Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.

"The Reds bringing the Pu-I mean Chupathingy!" Yang said, quickly saving herself from Ruby's trademark 'Death Stare of Cuteness'. Last she did, she couldn't help but say 'aw'… while picturing Ruby using her as target practice, "Right, Pussy Cat? Pussy Cat? Blake? Oh fuck…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	6. How To Be Awesome (1.21 Giga-Whats?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill. All RvB scenes, songs and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Weiss wasn't having a good summer.

Instead of being on a tour, singing, where she can finally be herself, she was stuck at Beacon Academy. First, she had been woken up her Team Leader, at 2am, mind you, had flipped out to the point of unknowingly activating her Ice Dust, had her weapon taken away from her, had to watch a group of idiots in a canyon arguing about shit and protecting flag 24/7 and now Blake, the smartest out of all of them, has been caught in Ruby's Death Stare of Cuteness (apparently actually trademarked).

And guess who had to snap her out of it.

"Couldn't Yang do it?" Weiss said, staring at the frozen girl, "Or better, Ruby?"

"I would be glad to… but last time I did it, well…" Yang didn't finish the sentence, remembering what happened to the poor guy. He went permanently stupid for the rest of his life. Though, Yang was having trouble remembering his name, 'Ga-Gayve? Grundle? Gavino? Nah, that's not even close. I'll figure it out later.', "And Ruby… uh…"

"O-Oh! Right…" Weiss realized. She remembers how Jaune (and Team JNPR in general) avoided Ruby until their hearing (and a bit of their sanity) came back, "Ugh, fine. But if I die, it's all on you two." Weiss said as she picked up an icicle shard from the floor, which was left over from her blow out and, cautiously, used it to touch Blake's cheek. The Cat girl was still frozen, still processing Ruby's book of torture methods being practiced on her. Right now, they were getting pretty unique, "Come on Blake! WAKE UP!" Weiss yelled at the Half-Fauna as she slapped the her as hard as she could. It still didn't snap her out of her trance,

"St-Stop t-t-touching me, Ru-Ruby…" Blake murmured, almost like she was  _enjoying_  it. This caused the non-affected RWBYs take a step back from the frozen Fauna. Weiss was trying to think of another way to snap Blake out of her trance, when she finally remembered. She quickly went and searched under Blake's pillow and found it.

Ninjas of Love 3: The Foxy Hanyou Origins

The last copy in existence.

"Blake… look what I go-" Weiss never got to finish her sentence as a black blur rushed past her and was going around the room, exiting the room and then finally settling down back into her chair. Weiss just realized that the book was gone and Blake's bed was a total mess, "Good to have you back to Vytal, Blake."

"Don't… touch… my books." Blake said tiredly, breathing between words, "Anyway, what happened?"

"N-Nothing." Yang quickly said while blushing from Blake's murmurs earlier, "Anyway, time to st-start the episode." Yang quickly sat back down. Though, she would slowly move away from Blake throughout the entire episode, 'What was she dreaming? Better yet, why was my sister there?'

"Okay. NEXT EPISODE!" Ruby yelled out dramatically as she pressed play.

_Brief recap of Grif and Simmons from prior episode._

**Grif:**   _(looking through a sniper rifle)_  Oh crap. It... It's Donut. And he's got something...  _(zooms in)_  It looks like... _(sees that it's the Blue's flag)_  ...Simmons, get the Warthog.

 **Simmons:**  Heh, you mean the Puma?

"Didn't we already see this part?" Ruby asked,

"It's a quick recap of what happened last episode. Nothing special." Blake said in her usual tone, though in the inside, she was afraid of the 15 year old. Just a bit.

_Cut to Church running up to Donut with his gun pointed at him._

**Church:**  Freeze!

 **Donut:**  Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me?! You coulda hit me, dick!

"That's because he was… like he even could." Weiss muttered.

 **Church:**  Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

"Of them just talking? I would've gone insane at…"

"Hour 2?" Ruby finished for Yang. The others chuckled a bit a Yang's expense before going back to the TV.

 **Donut:**  I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

 **Church:**  Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

 **Donut:**  Yeah, that's what I just said.

 **Church:**  Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

"Because of stealth, cunning, and lots of luck?" Yang joked,

"And the Mystery Blue guy, Yang." Blake said,

"Yeah, an inside job."

"Shut up, please." Weiss said, having enough of spy movie references.

 **Donut:**  Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!

 _Tucker comes out of the teleporter between them and now has black armour_.

 **Tucker:**  Three!

 **Church:**  JESUS!

"FUCK!" The RWBYs yelled out, falling out of their seats at the same time (though Ruby got a face full of her sister's uh… assets). They quickly got back up, set their chairs back up and sat down, "We shall never speak of this."

"Agreed."

"Amen."

"Definitely."

 **Donut:**  HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

 **Church:**  What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?

 **Tucker:**  How did you get up here ahead of me?

 **Donut:**  And what's with that black shit on your armour?

"It's soot, isn't it?" Yang said, though, it looked like it clung to Tucker's armour like paint. Yang didn't care. Black stuff was black stuff and white stuff is, 'NO NO NO! DON'T THINK ABOUT BLAKE'S BOOKS, YANG!'

 **Tucker:**  Hey! Freeze, Sarge!

 **Donut:**  Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private.

 **Tucker:**  The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.

"Is he… retarded or something?" Weiss asked rhetorically. Of course he was.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons getting in the Warthog which has Tejano music playing_.

"Please don't tell me we have to listen to this shit for the entire episode…" Weiss groaned. Though, Yang kinda liked it. Another reason why she should be driving the Pu-CHUPATHINGY, SHE MEANT CHUPATHINGY!

 **Grif:**  Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

"Do you think Lopez is Spanish?" Ruby asked the girls. They nodded, "He's kinda quiet though."

"Or he's a Spanish Robot without a voice box." Yang joked, which the RWBYs laughed to. Who would in their right mind build a robot who only talks in a language they wouldn't understand? That's too stupid, even for the Reds.

 **Simmons:**  I'll take gunner. ( _takes gunner_   _position)_  Let's roll.

 **Grif:**  How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

"At least someone knows my pain." Blake said, not particularly liking the Silent Brown Soldier's taste of music.

 **Simmons:** _(calls out as they drive off)_  Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.

"FUCK!" Yang yelled out, "FUCKITITY FUCK FUCK BALLS OF FUCKING FUCK!"

"What the hell, Yang?! Why are you so upset!?" Her younger adopted sister asked,

"T-They j-jinxed it…" Yang sobbed before punching a wall, "THEY FUCKING JINXED IT!"

'Your sister really loves cars, doesn't she?' Weiss mouthed to Ruby as Yang cried on her partner's shoulder,

"You should've seen her after she accidentally scratched her motorcycle's paint job for the first time." Ruby whispered back, remembering all those 'counselling' sessions she had to do to stop Yang from crying. She was still pretty sure that Yang still had nightmares of scratching Moto-Kun (don't ask her why).

_Cut back to Church, Tucker, and Donut_

**Tucker:**  Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

"Asshole…" the RWBYs (apart from Blake, who was remembering another part of Ninjas of Love again).

 **Church:**  Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?

"My god, I can't take anymore of this guy's logic." Weiss said, feeling a migraine coming on.

 **Tucker:**  I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.

 **Donut:**  Is this guy a retard?

"Yes. Yes he is." Yang muttered.

 **Church:**  ( _Warthog's music gets progressively louder as he speaks_ ) Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... for God's sake! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

"Here they are!" Yang said excitingly. Finally, VIOLENCE! SWEET, GLORIOUS, UN-ADULTERATED VIOLENCE!

 _Warthog jumps over the hill right by Church_.

 **Grif** : Woohoo!

"What a professional…" Blake mutter sarcastically.

 **Tucker:**  Holy shit!

 **Church:**  Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!

 **Tucker:**  The jeep followed me back in time!

_Grif hops out of the Warthog as Simmons yells and fires at Church and Tucker as they run away._

**Church** : Ow! Git ("Who says 'Git'?" "Not now, Ruby! Enjoy the violence! ENJOY IT") ! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!

 **Simmons** : ( _in background)_ That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!

"Someone should really write these down." Ruby stated,

"Got it." Yang replied as she was already writing down Simmons insults. Hell, even new puns.

 **Grif:**  What the hell is going on here?

 **Donut:**  You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.

"You don't say?" Blake said.

 **Grif:**  How did you get the flag?

 **Donut:**  I don't know, I just asked for it.

 **Grif:**  Wait, that worked?

 **Donut:**  I guess. Is it not supposed to?

 **Grif:**  I don't know, we… never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

"That's because THIS ENTIRE CANYON IS FULL OF TWATS! FOR GOD SAKE, MAN!"

"Oh crap, Yang is going British on us!" Blake exclaimed. This was a very dangerous state, as it was between and angry Yang and kill-everyone-here Yang. Ruby quickly went into action. Cue random musical moment!

 **Ruby:** Dream of Anything

I'll make it all come true

Blake & Weiss, quickly catching on, joined in.

 **Weiss:** Everything you need

Is all I have for you…

 **Blake:** All Forever…

Always by your side

 **Weiss:** Whenever you need a friend

I'm never far behind…

 **Ruby:** If the stars are gone

 **Weiss:** When there's no one near by

 **Blake:** Then moon should crumble...

 **Ruby:** It will be alright…!

 **Ruby, Weiss & Blake:** Don't you worry about the dark

I will light up the night with the love in my heart

I will burn like the sun

I will keep you safe and warm…

 **Ruby:** Like the smell of a rose in a summers day

 **Weiss:** I will be there to take all your fears away

 **Blake:** With the touch of my hand, I will turn your life to…

 **Ruby, Weiss & Blake:** Gold…!

With the touch of my hand

I'll turn your life to Gold…!

Yang finally calmed down after the song and went back to her chair. The other girls sighed in relief. They discovered that if she (Yang) ever went British (or in-between angry and I-cut-your-hair-bitch), they would have to sing Yang's personal song 'Gold' to calm her down. Now that everything had calmed down, they risked watching the rest of the episode.

 **Donut:**  Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-

 **Grif** : There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.

 **Donut:**  Fine!

_Donut starts running through the Gulch._

**Grif** :  _(scoffs)_  Back to our base, dumbass!

 **Donut:**  Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all.

"Knew it." Weiss muttered.

 _Cut to Caboose looking at Church and Tucker through the sniper rifle_.

 **Caboose:**  Oh man, that's not good.  _(looks from Church and Tucker to the Warthog)_  Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun.  _(puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth)_ Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. ( _runs off to the tank_ )

Yang stared at the screen, "I love you, Blue guy…" The RWBYs started shifting their chairs away from Yang while Ruby kept an arms-length distance from her sister.

_Cut to Church and Tucker behind a rock with Simmons firing and yelling at them._

**Simmons:**  ( _in background_ ) Yeah, get going! Take that! I know you like that there! Come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on, Blue! Get your head out there!

 **Church:**  Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time.

"Uh… I don't think it will." Blake stated. The RWBYs were kinda worried for the Blues. If they didn't do something to get of there, they could d-no. Yang looked at her sister before looking at the TV.

'Please… don't let anyone die… for Ruby's sake…'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	7. Tank'd (Check Out the Treads on That Tank)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the last time! All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by RT!
> 
> Load Game... Start!

There were a couple of things Yang loved as much as much as her little sister, Ruby.

Violence, fire, her hair, puns, messing with the Heiress (that will be toned down after that ice blow out) and most importantly, vehicles.

Especially ones with guns on it.

As soon as the Blue Guy said that he was going for the tank (even though she knew he probably didn't know how to drive it), she fell in love with the guy.

Okay, more of the tank than the actual guy driving the tank, but who the hell cared. IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING TANK!

Though, she knew that she would have to cover Ruby's eyes. Yang knew she didn't deal with death well. Past experiences have told her that if the 15 year old wanted to keep watching Red vs Blue, she would have to get over it as soon as possible. She couldn't bear to see a depressed Ruby again, or even a sad one. The closest Ruby ever got to being depressed was when they were fighting the Demon Shadow during the fight for Beacon. Blake & Weiss were down for the count, Yang was heavily bleeding and couldn't see straight and Ruby was frozen. Her whole team had fallen and she was next. But somehow out of skill, destiny or even dumb luck, Ruby fought the Witch off and caused Torchwick to call a retreat. And with some of the Grimm turning back on Torchwick and attacking the retreating army or going back to their habitats, Beacon was finally safe. Yang was lucky to even survive that day. Her aura broke during the fight, allowing her to take bodily damage then just feel pain, with the pain 10 times worse. After things went back to normal, Team RWBY & Team JNPR received their awards and had a massive party to celebrate.

Good times at that party…

Yang quickly broke out of her thoughts as she realised Blake had hit play for the next episode while Ruby & Weiss were arguing about something about something, something about methods and Yang… anyway, they all shut up for the next episode.

(From an earlier version of the episode.)

 **Narrator:**  Last week, on Red vs. Blue...

"They put this out weekly?" Ruby asked, "For something so short, they should've at least put up, don't know, 3 to 5 episodes a week."

"You have to understand Ruby that even a 3 minute episode needs to scripted and that a lot of editing must've been put into the process to at least make the deadline." Blake said. She knew that from personal experiences. Is it weird that you send hundreds of letters to an author to release another book a week after the pervious book came out?

_Church backs in to frame from the left._

**Church:**  Uh, hey dude, we didn't have a video last week. We were at E3, remember?

"What's E3?" Yang asked. Ruby didn't know, but Blake & Weiss just blushed and continued watching the video, remembering their experiences. It's really good to be an heiress and a master at stealth.

 **Narrator:**  I mean, week before last...

 _Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle at Simmons in the back of the Warthog firing at Church and Tucker_.

 **Caboose:**  Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun.  _(puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth)_  Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it.  _(runs off to the tank)_

_Church and Tucker are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them._

**Church:**  My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

"And I was correct." Blake muttered. Though she had to question, how many bullets does that turret have?

 **Tucker:**  You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

 **Church:**  Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

"That… actually makes sense." Weiss said. It's better to have a tank with a giant cannon on it than a rock. But seriously, by now the bullets should've shredded the rock by now, "Is that rock made of iron?"

 **Church:**  Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

_Cut to Caboose hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on._

**Tank:**  Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

"A-A t-talking t-t-tank." Yang stuttered. All her dreams have been realised, Now if it could only solve mysteries,

"Wait, why is the tank called Sheila?" Blake asked,

"Can you think of a better name, Blake." Ruby asked back. Blake thought for a moment before saying,

"Scorpion?" The RWBYs agreed, for both the name and the fact that they didn't another Nameless War again.

 **Caboose:**  Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

 **Sheila:**  Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

"You know when your military sucks when they have a tutorial program  _built into the tank."_  Weiss said. Though, she kinda like tutorials. Being led, doing stuff, domina-'DON'T THINK ABOUT BLAKE'S BOOKS, WEISS! I am a Schnee, I am a Schnee, not a pervert…'

 **Caboose:**  Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.

 **Sheila:**  Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

"Okay, that's kinda creepy." Yang thought out loud, "How did you get that right, Pussy Cat?"

"Uh… because it looked like one?" Cue anime style fall courtesy of Ruby, Weiss & Yang.

 **Caboose:**  Okay.

_Cut to Simmons firing the Warthog's gun with Grif on the ground behind him._

**Grif:**  Simmons. SIMMONS!

_Simmons stops firing, and steps down._

**Grif:**  Man, that thing is loud.

_Sheila drives by in the background._

**Simmons:**  ...WHAT?

"I think their hearing is literally  **shot.** " Yang said. The girls threw pillows at the blond,

"It wasn't funny the first time, Yang. Don't make us use Mister Cut-Cut." Weiss threatened. Yang quickly stroked her hair, muttering stuff like, 'The mean lady didn't mean that' and  _hushing_  it. The rest the RWBYs took a step back away from the lilac-eyed girl.

"I think she's taking the hair thing a bit too far." Blake whispered,

"You think?" Ruby & Weiss said in fake disbelief. After Yang calmed down her hair (AN: Okay, I have to admit that I felt weird writing that), they continued the episode, but still creeped the fuck out by Yang's choice of grooming.

 **Grif:**  Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

 **Simmons:**  OKAY.

"Smart move, but Simmons should've kept firing to keep the Blues there while Grif would sneak up behind them." Blake criticized,

"Okay, how do you know this much about war?" Weiss asked,

"You learn a thing or two in the White Fang." Blake said, not proud of what she's done in the past,

"Come on Blake, it's in the past now. Being a Huntress is your future now." Ruby cheered Blake up. Blake smiled softly. She hoped Ruby's innocence would last.

 **Grif:**  Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

_Cut to Caboose having Sheila stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off._

Weiss swore she heard a tiger, lion & a dragon all at the same time, she just didn't know where. Though, she had a pretty good guess.

 **Sheila:**  Now that you've mastered driving the M808 (*growl/roar/hiss*), let's move onto some of the safety features.

 **Caboose:**  No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

"Wait, isn't it the other way around?" Ruby asked,

"Yes."

"No."

"Uh... maybe?"

_Cut to Church peeking out from the side of the rock. Tucker is still standing behind it._

**Church:**   _(whispering)_  Psst, hey, they stopped firing.

"Okay, why is he whispering?" Blake asked.

 **Tucker:**  Why are you whispering?

"Not. A word. Yang." Blake glared at the blond, who was about to say something along the lines of 'it takes a pervert to know a pervert.'

 **Church:**   _(whispering)_  Uhm... I don't know.

_Cut to Simmons and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff._

**Grif:**  Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

"Why did the-you know what, I'm not falling for it." Ruby said, "But why did they get out of the jeep?"

 **Simmons:**  Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

_Sheila rolls up right behind them._

"That is one stealthy tank." Yang muttered. Definitely, her fantasies have come true.

 **Grif:**  Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

_Sheila's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons as they speak._

**Simmons:**  Well, at least that was fun.

Yang sobbed a bit, 'I would do anything...'

 _Grif and Simmons turn simultaneously to see the tank_.

 **Grif:**  Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?

'Except being on the Red Team.'

_Cut to Church and Tucker looking at the vacant Warthog._

**Church:**  Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

 **Tucker:**  No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.

 **Church:**  Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.

"Please don't tell me they left the kept in the ignition..." Weiss said, face palming. Then they heard a growling sound. Thanks to Professor Port, they knew it was a Darkstalker. They quickly readied themselves for a fight... until they realised it was Ruby's black hole she calls a stomach,

"Hehehe, sorry. I'll go get breakfast for everyone. Don't wait up for me." Ruby said as she left the room to get cereal or something. Weiss, Blake & Yang took her word for it and resumed the episode without her.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD. Her cross hair slowly homes in on Grif's head._

**Grif:**  Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

_A tone goes off indicating target lock._

"I think it does, Grif." Yang said. She was relieved. Someone would die and Ruby doesn't have to watch it. They might actually get through a season without drama.

(From an earlier version of the episode.)

 **Narrator:**  Coming up on Red vs. Blue: You've watched them for seven episodes. But next week, the unthinkable! Someone. Will. Die!

"FUCKING ARSE OF GUFFPAP TWAT!"

 **Sarge:**  ...I sure hope it's Grif.

"Seriously, WHAT DID HE DO?!" Weiss yelled out. But then her and Blake processed what the narrator had just said.

Someone. Will. Die.

The only thought that crossed the RWBYs minds were:

'No... please... god no.' (Yang)

'Ruby...' (Blake)

'Shit, I forgot about Ruby's trigger.' (Weiss)

'I wonder if they actually went on without me. Nah...! They wouldn't... right? Maybe I shoul-OH SHIT!' (Ruby, now face down on the floor, covered in Captain Pete's Marshmallow Flakes) 'MY FLAKES! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL FLAKES! Uh... I mea-ah screw it, MY PRECIOUS!'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	8. Blood Gulch Blues (Don't Ph34r the Reaper)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth, who I have permission from. Have I stated that clearly enough?
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Blake hated being the bad guy.

Uh... girl, whatever. She didn't like hurting people. The White Fang showed her that up front since Day 1.

But now, here was the question.

Do they keep watching?

It was simple really. Ruby (who  _still_ hasn't come back with their breakfast) was this sweet innocent little girl, seemingly unaffected by the loss of many loved ones. She was a Leader and damn good one at that when she's not being, well, Ruby. But now Blake was the deciding vote. The only one who can decide Ruby's fate. They had discussion earlier.

"WE NOT LETTING RUBY WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE!"

"YES WE ARE, YANG!"

Okay, it was more of a creative discussion more than anything else, and it was still going.

"Weiss, be reasonable! Ruby had enough loss in her life and that death will remind her of it! I don't want her to go through that!" Yang argued,

"Look, Yang, I understand but she's killed hundreds of Grimm already. Fuck, she might even have the highest body count out of all of us! She's old enough to deal with it!" The Heiress shot back,

"Weiss, she's still my sister making me a higher power than you!"

"I'm Second-in-Fucking-Command Yang! I'm pretty sure that makes me temporary leader of RWBY, so I order you to let our actual leader watch the fucking episode!"

"Oh, you treating me like I'm one of your butlers now, huh? Well, this servant doesn't always obey it's master!"

"I didn't mean that, Yang! I mean, Ruby needs to grow up."

"What did you say, Schnee?"

"I said she needs to grow the fuck up." Weiss and Yang's noses were practically touching at this point, "It's for the good of the team."

"'For the good of the team', huh Weiss? Well, what about Ruby. What about her?"

"At this rate, I bet her first human kill will be Torchwick. It's better if Ruby deals with it now rather than later. Do you want her to di-"

"Never. Say. That word." Yang growled as her hair started to flicker alight. Blake knew it was time to step it,

"ENOUGH!" she yelled out, catching their attention, "Look you two, if we keep arguing like this, we as well not be a team at all!" There was a silence. They all remembered the time RWBY almost got disbanded. Hell, even kicked out of Beacon. Ruby would've been lost without her dream, Weiss would be in her parent's 'care' 24/7, Blake would be on the run from the White Fang and Yang didn't have anywhere else to go. They didn't want that to happen again. If it wasn't them making up, JNPR, hell even what was left of CRDL as well as the entire school, they wouldn't be here today. The school probably would've been destroyed and everyone they knew would be on the run from Torchwick or dead. The blonde and the Snow White Mage sighed, "Now make up already so we can watch the stupid episode."

"B-But Blake..."

"Yang. It would be good for Ruby to see this. Anyway, they're idiots. It's not like anyone important will die." Blake said with a cold voice. Yang never heard that from Blake before. Weiss, of course yes. But _Blake_? No, never from her partner. Yang sighed. It was better to get this over and done with now than in the future and in the middle of combat.

It was for both RWBY & Ruby.

When Ruby finally came back with their cereal, they ate in silence until Ruby asked, "So... did anything exciting happen?"

"Ruby, swallow first before you talk." Weiss scolded. Ruby swallowed before Weiss answered, "No, nothing really. Just the narrator telling us to watch next week's episode." Yang looked at her in disbelief, 'It's not like I'm enjoying an innocent Ruby.' She mouthed out of said girl's line of sight,

"Okay. I can't wait for the next episode!" The RWBYs fake-cheered with the soon-to-be-broken innocence of the girl. They just hoped it would be painless and quick. And maybe Sarge.

'SERIOULY, WHAT FUCK DID GRIF DO?!'

'Why do I have the feeling that they're thinking at the same time?'

Weiss volunteered to take their bowls away to the kitchen. When she got there, she noticed that there were Marshmallow Flakes on the floor, but she ignored it. After she cleaned all the bowls (not a fun experience for Weiss, "MY EYES!" "Did anyone hear that?") She decided to check their food supply. She went through the list and saw that everything was perfect, well apart from the fact that their whole Captain Pete's cereal supply was gone. Even the ones that still had their friend, Pyrrha still on it. Those were about 2 years past their expiration date.

Weiss had a hunch that a certain red headed girl was behind it, 'Wait, isn't it black with crimson highlights? Or a really dark red? Wait, why am I thinking about shit like this?' She thought as she ran towards her team dorm. She could feel the expired cereal starting to kick in, and it was not pretty. She finally reached the dorm and yelled out, "RUBY FED US EXPIRED CEREAL!"

"WHAT?!"

"RUBY!"

"Expired... cereal?" Ruby said with a confused face and a cute head tilt to the side, "What are you talking about guys?"

"YOU GAVE US 2 YEAR OLD CEREAL!" Weiss yelled at the girl, 'Oh god, I really need a bathroom. Gotta... finish... scolding.'

"You gave us  _what?_ " The Shot-Gauntlet wielding girl growled,

"Uh... girls. I feel fine." Blake said. Ruby & Yang said that they felt fine also. Then Ruby gasped and blushed,

"Ehehehe, f-f-funny story. Well, it's funny now..." Ruby said as she shut her eyes and quickly said, "WellIatemostofthecerealinthepantryandhadenoughnor malcerealformeBlakeandYangandwhenIsawPyrrha'sfaceI thoughtyou'dappreciateitifIgaveyoucerealfromyourfr iendbeforeyoumetus!" If you weren't following then here's what Ruby meant.

Ruby only gave the expired cereal to Weiss.

"Wh-what?!" Weiss said, holding onto her stomach,

"Though, most of it was gone for some reason. It was probably the hole in the bottom." Ruby said innocently, "Sorry?"

There were only two, no, three things that Weiss had on her mind right now.

Rats.

Killing Ruby.

Toilet.

(AN: For the rest of the episode, we won't be seeing Weiss. And for the sake of keeping this a somewhat child-friendly story, I will not mention the sounds)

"OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK?!" (Blake)

"IT SOUNDS LIKE WET BREAD!" (Yang)

"It will be all over soon, Ruby. St-Stay in your happy place..." (Ruby)

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING DOL-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!" (You know who)

(AN: I said  _I_  was not mentioning the sounds, I didn't say the RWBYs were.)

"START THE EPISODE, START THE FUCKING EPISODE!" Blake yelled over nothing in particular. Probably for dramatic effect or something,

"GOT IT!" Ruby yelled back, while taking a seat and playing the next episode, turning the volume to the max while thinking about puppies. Cute, wet no-'DON'T YOU DARE THINK ABOUT THAT RUBY!'

_Sheila's turret is pointed at Grif, then it turns to Simmons._

"Okay, where did the tank come from?!" Ruby asked. Yang & Blake stayed quiet. Ruby shook her head before turning back to the TV.

 **Grif:**  Why is it just sitting there?

 **Simmons:**  Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.

Ruby did a quick glare. Just in case, you know?

_Cut to Sheila's HUD._

**Sheila:**  This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

 **Caboose:**  Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay, that's more a switch than a button...

 **Sheila:**   _(in the background)_  This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures-

'Oh shit!' Yang thought. Someone was going to die this soon?! She quickly looked at Blake before looking at Ruby, 'Please don't flip out.'

_Cut to Simmons and Grif._

**Simmons:**  Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

 **Grif:**  Wait. On three? Or three and then go?

 **Simmons** : On three. It's always faster to go on three.

"Why does that sound familiar?" Blake asked herself. It felt like, 'Ugh, that argument with Yang every time we do a countdown.'

 **Grif:**  Okay, okay. On three.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD._

**Caboose:** Here!  _(click)_

 **Sheila:**  Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

Blake & Yang quickly braced themselves, 'This is it.' They thought.

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Ready?

_Cut to Sheila's HUD._

**Sheila:**  Acquiring target.

_Cut to Church and Tucker._

**Church:**  I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.

_Cut to Simmons and Grif. Grif is backing away._

"Oh you betraying son of a bitch." Yang muttered angrily. She was still bracing herself but that didn't stop her from making her comments.

 **Simmons:**  One...

_Grif turns around and starts running away. The view cuts to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair following Grif._

'Shit, Sheila's going to kill Grif.' Blake thought. She liked Grif, at least he had some logic. And she would have to admit she would've done the same, 'TO THE WHITE FANG! I will never betray RWBY!'

 **Sheila** : Target acquired.

_Cut to Grif running._

**Grif:**   _(panting heavily)_  Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...

"He's a bit out of shape for a soldier, isn't he?" Ruby thought out loud.

"For some reason, I'm not surprised." Yang said. She relaxed, but only for a bit. Blake relaxed too, thinking that the death will come at the end,

'I sure do hope it's Sarge... oh fuck.'

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:** Two...

_Cut to Sheila's HUD locking onto Grif._

**Sheila:**  Target locked.

 _Cut to Church running toward the Warthog_.  _He's panting loudly._

"Can someone tell me who's actually  _fit?_ " Ruby asked. They thought for a moment when they came to a conclusion:

"Who the fuck cares?"

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Three!  _(turns around and sees Grif running away)_  Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!

"Cock Bite, huh?" Ruby said, 'That could be a decent catchphrase.' Yang thought it would be a great insult while Blake blushed. She only saw those two words near each other once and it wasn't an insult or a catchphrase.

 **Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.

_Sheila fires and blows up the Warthog right in front of Grif._

"SON OF A BITCH!" (Ruby & Blake)

"FUCK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O!" (Yang)

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:**   _(crouches next to Sheila)_  Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:**  SON OF A BITCH!

_Cut to Church._

**Church:**   _(near the explosion)_  Son of a bitch!

 **Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.

"Is that really going to say that every time it fires?" Blake asked Ruby. Ruby was about to answer when they noticed that Yang was gone. They heard a door slam and saw that Yang was lying on the ground right outside the team's toilet. She quickly tackled Blake and started crying into her shoulder, telling her all about her nightmares about Moto-kun in freakish detail, right down to the angle of every single thing, from the direction to what scratched it-I mean 'him', "Help. Me." Blake whispered over the emotional blond. Ruby shook her head no.

 **Simmons:**  Shit!

_Sheila fires._

**Simmons:** _(indecipherable)_

**Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.

"Knew. It." Blake said. Though it was kinda hard seeing that a 17 year old woman was crying and crushing her lungs.

 **Simmons:**  Dammit!

_Sheila fires._

**Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.  _(fires)_

_Cut to Church running back up to meet Tucker._

**Tucker:**  Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

"Thank you, Ca-Captain Obvious." Yang said, now calm. Blake, however, was face down on the floor, trying to regain feeling to her lower area.

 **Church** : No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons hiding behind a rock._

"And the tables have turned." Yang said. She then noticed the barely conscious pile that was named Blake, "Oh my God! What happened to you?"

"C-come cl-closer." Blake whispered her throat extremely dry, like she was dying. Yang followed and went closer to her partner, "Closer, closer,  _closer_... FUCK YOU!" Blake yelled out as she decked the blonde, leaving a nice lump on her forehead, careful not to ruin the hair,

"Okay, I have to admit you deserved that Yang." Ruby said, already fearing for her life. She could feel the heat from her sis' hair. She braced for the explosion, only to feel the heat quickly dissipating. Yang took her seat, remembering Blake's words from earlier,

"Y-Yeah, I kinda did, didn't I?" Yang said with a goofy smile. Ruby went back to watching, but before Blake or Yang did, Yang quickly flashed her eyes red at Blake before going back, 'You better watch out, Pussy Cat.' Blake shivered.

She just dug her own grave.

 **Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.  _(fires, hits the rock)_

 **Simmons:**   _(mocking Grif)_  Hey, I have a GREAT idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.

 **Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.  _(fires, hits the rock)_

 **Simmons:** Great plan, you idiot!

"Finally, someone who agrees." Blake said.

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD_   _looking over the rock._

 **Sheila:**  All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.

"Hey, apart from Donut, I don't think there  _are_  anymore targets." Yang muttered. Though, she had a bad feeling about this.

_Her crosshair starts panning up and to the left._

Yang & Blake noticed it was getting near the rock Church and Tucker are and got worried, 'Please tell me that it can tell the difference between Red and Blue.' They thought at the same time.

_Cut to Church and Tucker with Church standing in the open looking down at the tank._

**Church** : Hey, Tucker, look at this, man - it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds.

 **Tucker** : What? No way!

 **Church** : Hey, rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

 **Sheila:**  New target acquired.  _(spinning turret around to aim at Church)_

"No..." Ruby said quietly. Her heart was pumping now and worry filled her eyes, 'It wouldn't... it couldn't...' the other braced themselves.

_Cut to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair slowly panning up the cliffside at Church._

**Caboose:**  That's not a target. That's Church!

"Yes! Stop it! STOP IT!" Ruby desperately yelled out as she jumped out of her chair. Blake & Yang closed their eyes. They couldn't bear to watch it.

 **Church:**  Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?

 **Sheila:**   _(locking on to Church)_  Target locked.

"UNLOCK! UNLOCK! PLEASE, DON'T!" Ruby yelled as she started crying, 'What about his girlfriend?! Love is supposed to conquer all...'

_Cut to Caboose in the driver's seat._

**Caboose:**  What!? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!

"P-Please." Ruby quietly said as she stared at the screen.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:**  Firing main cannon.

_Cut to Caboose._

**Caboose:**  Uh oh...

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:**  Uh oh...

_Cut to Church._

**Church:**  What? ..Oh, son of a bi-

_Church is shot and launched into the air. His body hits the rock face and lands back on the ledge. Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:**  Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church!

_Cut to Sheila. Tucker is visible on the cliff in the distance as he yells at Caboose._

**Tucker:**  You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

 **Sheila:**  Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

 **Church:**   _(dying)_  Tucker! ...T-Tucker!

 **Tucker:**  Church! It's going to be okay, man.

 **Church** : No. Ah... I'm na-I'm not gonna make it. Tucker... there's something I need to tell you.

 **Tucker:**  What is it?

 **Church:**  I just want you to know.. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

 **Church:**  Okay. Herk!...Bleah...

They opened their eyes. It was quiet.

Too quiet.

"Wh-Where's Ruby?" Blake asked. Yang looked down and saw what she always dreaded to see.

White rose petals covered in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	9. Ruby & Texas (After Church, A Shadow of His Former Self, Knock Knock. Who's There? Pain.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is all owned by RT.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Yang was scared. Not even running away was made her this afraid. She was afraid not because a Grimm broke into the school, her weapon was damaged or even when someone mentioned the word 'Barber'. It was none of those.

She was scared because her adopted sister ran away.

She knew this would happen after the first time, she just knew it. Ruby would activate her aura mode. To most, unlocking your aura mode was like getting a gift from heaven, hell even seeing one was special. Even Ren didn't have one, he just had a naturally strong soul. Yang was the only person known at Beacon to have one. But she knew Ruby was actually the first one to activate one, not Yang. Hell, no one knew apart from her & her missing uncle. And it was not pretty.

You see, aura modes enhances their most prominent ability and affinity, like Yang having a massive boost in strength and her fists becoming engulfed in flames without the use of her gauntlets or Dust, and can only be activated by their most prominent emotion, like anger or sadness (in Ruby's case). The usual drawback was a weaken aura and a lot of your energy being drained. Yang had a lot of stamina thanks to everything that's happened to her so she would be barely affected by the stamina loss.

Ruby, however, had something worse.

Her cloak will turn white as well as any red on her, even her Scy-ifle. Her speed will shoot up to inhumane levels, hundreds of times faster than Blake. Also, she had one thing no one else is able to do. She can directly hit your soul, causing immense pain without even leaving any physical damage. But the cost was much higher.

You know those white rose petals, the ones that were covered in blood?

That is Ruby's blood.

Yes, each rose petal has Ruby's blood on it. And she leaves tonnes of them. Worse if it's a windy day... like today. Her own aura was slowly killing her and if Yang couldn't find her in time...

She needed to find her.

"Blake, as soon as Weiss is done, help me find Ruby!" Yang yelled as she grabbed Ember Cecelia. It pays to be prepared, you know,

"Yang, what the fuck is happening and why are there rose petals everywhere?!" Blake asked. If Yang was using her name, this must be serious,

"We don't have time! If we don't find her..." Yang trailed off. She didn't like death, but not as much as Ruby, "We have to find her, Blake." When Blake heard Yang, she was dumbfounded. Yang's voice lost all of its energy. All of that personality, everything that made her Yang Xiao Long, completely gone. It was like... she was talking to a ghost. Blake shivered a bit at the word 'ghost' but quickly shook it off. This was more important than her fears,

"Okay. I'll tell Weiss as soon as she's out. You go and find Ruby." Blake said, with a desperate undertone. Yang smiled before rushing out the door.

She had a griever to comfort.

(A few hours later)

'Why? Why? Why did they have to leave me?' Ruby thought as she wandered around Emerald Forest, still with her white cloak on. She was lost, but she didn't care. She needed to leave. She needed to see them. At least once, 'Uncle Qrow, mum, dad... why?' Why did Church have to die? How will his girlfriend take it? Why did they leave? Those were the thoughts of Ruby Rose's inner conscious. She remembered the first time she had a white cloak on. Well, tried to. Everything was a blur to her for a long time and it was still a blur now. All she remembered was someone coming to her house, her baby sitter answering the door.

Then, nothing.

She somehow ended up in a hospital with a massive headache and barely able to move. Her Uncle was there, but not her parents. She weakly asked why, but all her uncle did was shook his head sadly and look down. She was still pretty young and her brain felt like mush so she didn't piece it together until she was out of the hospital and asked to pack her stuff from her house. She looked around and saw two things she never thought she would see.

A broken sniper rifle and a scythe blade.

It all came rushing back to her. The news about her parents. The feeling of herself losing control. Her own memories being replaced by all of her emotion for that moment. It was killing her. Tearing her piece by piece, 'Why them... WHY THEM!?' Ruby yelled in her mind as she felt herself starting to slip into darkness. She felt something inside her trying to break out again. She tried to keep it down but she felt weak.

Weak, 'I'm dying, aren't I?' she thought as she fell to her knees. She remembered last time it was 5 to 10 minutes before she fell unconscious in the middle of Vale. It's been, I don't know, two, three hours. She felt her heart starting to slow down and her vision blur. The thing inside her was starting to break out now, 'Weiss, Blake, Yang... help me...' she thought as she felt it taking over her. Then, she felt a pain at the back of her head and that was the last thing she felt before going into the darkness.

(1 hour later)

R... up

R...y, ple...

Ru...y, don't d...

"RUBY!"

"Ugh... Y-Yang?" Ruby said weakly as she opened her eyes. She was met with the sun and Yang, "Wh-Where are we?"

"We're at the cliff where we start out Initiation." Yang replied. Ruby, now back to being red, had her head lying on Yang's lap while Yang herself was on one of the launch pads, "Remember this place?"

"Ye-Yeah..." Ruby mumbled. She smiled, remembering all the good times in that forest. Weiss saving her, forming RWBY... actually, that was it. Now that she thought about it, Emerald Forest sucks birdie balls, *Sniff* 'Sorry birdie. I didn't mean to...' she got cut out of her thoughts when the blonde hugged her. Not one of those bone-crushing hugs Yang usually gives her. It was a genuine hug, full love an comfort. She tried to hug back but her arms felt like lead,

"Ruby... I'm sorry you had to watch that." Yang said softly,

"Huh?"

"Weiss & Blake wanted you to..."

"Yang?"

"Hm?"

"Please let go of me. I know this is the softest you've ever hugged me, it doesn't mean that it I'm not choking."

"Oh, sorry." Yang said with a blush and let go of her sister, "Ruby, I didn't want to but Blake & Weiss,"

"Yang, you are my sister, but shut  _the fuck_  up." Ruby said with a mock glare, "I'm not a baby anymore.  ** _I. Drink. Milk_**."

"Oh, really..." Yang said with a giggle. Ruby was confused for a second before she realised what she had just said,

"I-I me-meant was uh..." Ruby didn't get to finish her sentence as she got pulled into another hug by Yang,

"I'm glad you're okay." Yang said as Ruby thought, 'Yep, there's the love I know.'

"Can't... breath..." Ruby choked out, causing Yang to let go,

"A-Anyway, let's back to the dorm. I want to watch more!" Ruby said excitingly, causing Yang's jaw to hit the bottom of the cliff, "What?"

"Bu-Bu-But wh-what about..."

"Like I said Yang, I think I can make it." Ruby said with a smile, "And if me & Weiss ever start acting like Church and Tucker, just handcuff us." (AN: Thank you christopherweeblingjr for the joke!) Yang giggled and helped her sis up and started walking back to their dorm. When they got there, Weiss was pretty dead on her chair, pale and smelling like death & decay and Blake was as far away from her as she could with a clothes peg on her nose, "Uh... what happened to Weiss?"

"Fuck... you... Ruby." Weiss said tiredly, "Anyway, what happened and why are there rose petals everywhere? And are they covered in blood?" Blake was about to answer but Yang beat her to it,

"Don't worry Weiss. Apart from some blood loss (and possible brain damage), Ruby Rose is good as new!" Yang announced,

"What did you say about 'brain damage'?" Blake asked. Ruby was kinda scared now,

"Oh, don't worry Pussy Cat, Ruby's okay. Right, Ruby?"

"Uh... yeah!" Ruby quickly said before she grabbed the remote, "Now who wants to watch more Red vs Blue?!" She yelled out with her hands in the air. The room was silent,

"I think the brain damage is kicking in." Blake whispered,

"D-Don't worry. I'm pretty sure she doesn't." Yang replied, though she was unsure herself, 'Ruby's mum would kill me if we gave her brain damage if she was alive.'

"Hey, how about we watch 3 episodes in a row?" Weiss suggested, "It'll make the season go by quicker."

"And that's why you're Second-in-Command, Miss Schnee." Ruby said, channeling her inner Port, "Alright, you guys ready?" Ruby said as she took a seat near Weiss, not minding the smell. She was pretty sure she smelled a bit like Weiss anyway,

"It's definitely the brain damage." Blake muttered. She walked to her seat and sat down, "But it's still the same Ruby in many ways."

"Well, come on Ruby! Start the movie!" Yang said as she jumped into her seat,

"Alright. Now playing the next episode!"

**(After Church)**

_Simmons and Grif run up the ramp onto the Red Base where Donut is waiting with the flag._

**Donut:**  What happened?

 **Grif:**   _(panting heavily)_  Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

"Wow, they are really unfit." Weiss muttered,

"We kinda already covered that, Weiss." Ruby said with a giggle.

 **Simmons:**  Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

"And that proves my point."

 **Grif:**   _(still panting)_  Fuck... You...

"Isn't that Weiss' answer to every-" Yang didn't get to finish her sentence as Weiss pointed Myrtenaster at her hair,

"One more word, Yang." This shut the blonde's mouth up.

 **Donut:**  Where's your car?

 **Simmons:**  General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Yang died a bit every time they mentioned the late Chupathingy, 'Please let the tank survive.'

 **Grif:**  Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

 **Donut:**  You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

_The Warthog suddenly flips up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the other two. The camera cuts to a different angle to reveal Sheila in the background._

"Oh shit." Blake said quietly, "Maybe it's still locked-on." Ruby shivered at the word 'locked-on'.

 **Grif:**  What the hell..!?

_Sheila fires._

**Grif:**  SON OF A BITCH!

 **Donut:**  Oh crap!  _(picks up the flag)_  What the hell is that thing?

 **Grif:**   _(crouching next to the Warthog)_  That's the tank!

 **Donut:**  Hey uh, Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

_Sheila fires._

**Grif:**  No, keep that away from me!

'Oh, the irony...' The RWBYs thought at the same time, 'Okay, why do I feel like the girls are thinking the same thing?'

_Cut to Caboose in Sheila with Tucker beside them. Sheila fires._

**Tucker:**  Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

 **Caboose:**  Because it's locked on!

 **Sheila:**  Target locked.

 **Tucker:**  Well, unlock it.

 **Caboose** : Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

The RWBYs couldn't help but feel sorry. Killed by his own team mate by ac... ci... dent, 'Oh my god, that kinda sounds like Ruby.' Weiss, Yang and Blake thought worryingly, 'Please don't end up like Church, Ruby.'

 **Tucker:**  Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

_Cut to Donut._

**Donut:**  I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

"Captain Obvious everybody!" Yang said, but got hushed by everyone.

_Sheila fires._

**Simmons:**  Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

_Radio sounds._

**Sarge:**   _(on radio, from a Pelican dropship)_  Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

 **Grif:**  Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

"Oh shit, we forgot about Sarge didn't we?" Weiss said. The team groaned, remembering how much of a leader this guy is,

"Wait, all they've been calling him is either Sergent or Sarge." Yang stated,

"So what?"

"Uh... what's Sarge's real name?"

"Easy, it's... well from what I gathered it's... logic dict-I got nothing." Blake said while slumping down. Yang really wanted that mystery solving tank right about now.

 **Sarge:**  Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

 **Simmons:**  Sir,  _(Sheila fires in the background)_  this is Simmons.

 **Sarge:**  Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

 **Grif:**  Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to  _(Sheila fires in the background)_  infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their _(Sheila fires in the background)_  guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

 **Sarge:**   _(radio sounds)_  ...  _(more radio sounds)_  ...Am I talkin' to the right base?

"I wouldn't believe it myself." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:**  Sarge,  _(Sheila fires in the background)_  WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE HERE!

 **Sarge:**  Well then hold tight, boys. I think I gotta solution to your little "tank" problem.

"No..." Yang whispered with wide eyes, "Please, not the tank. Not Shelia." This caused the rest of them to shift away from the brawler,

"I think she's more in love with the tank than us." Weiss said, extremely creeped out now. Ruby was about to object when she realised she also kinda agreed.

_Cut to Tucker._

**Tucker:**  Uh oh.

_Pelican flies over Red Base. Cut back to Tucker._

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no..." You can guess who said that.

 **Tucker:**  Hey, Caboose (" _CABOOSE?!_ HIS FUCKING NAME IS  _CABOOSE?!_ THAT'S WORSE THAN DONUT! _"_  (Yang) ),  _(starts backing up)_  you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

 **Caboose:**  I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

"No..." Ruby said quietly as she felt it coming back up, 'Please don't die...'

 **Sheila:**  Night vision engaged.

 **Tucker:**  Rookie, get out now!

"He sounds desperate." Blake noticed.

_Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank._

"NO! PLEASE SAVE THE TANK!" Yang desperately yelled.

 **Caboose:**  Okay, open the do- Okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

"Okay, that's not going to work." Weiss muttered, 'Caboose is going to die.'

 **Sheila:**  Driver canopy open.  _(Caboose gets out and runs away)_ ("YES!" "Holy Shit, that actually worked.") Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-

_Shell hits Sheila and the explosion turns her upside down._

There was a silence in the room as Ruby quickly paused the episode. Yang's hair was covering her face and the others were slowly getting up and walking away. After a few seconds, Ruby whispered, "3... 2... 1..."

A "WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! " Could be heard from where Team JNPR is,

"What was that?" Jaune asked Pyrrha, who was driving the whole team to their homes. Pyrrha shivered,

"I feel a disturbance in the Aura." She muttered. The others looked at each other before shrugging and going back to what they were doing before (Nora talking Ren's ear off, Ren trying to block out Nora and Jaune looking through his Scroll, which only had 5 songs... all about the Arcs, sung by the Arcs, "Stupid family karaoke night...")

 **Caboose:**  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Running, running, running!  _(reaches Tucker, panting)_  Man, that was close.

 **Tucker:**  Look at your tank though.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:**  I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daisy...  _(distorted, elongated)_  Daisy...

While that was happening, Yang was (again) crying on Weiss' shoulder, telling her in extreme detail on how she would treat Shelia. Weiss noticed that the blonde was going a bit green, "If you dare puke on my clothes, I will play barber." Yang quickly backed off.

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker._

**Caboose:**  Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!

"Aw... he must've liked the tank." Blake said, feeling sorry for the Standard Blue Soldier.

 **Tucker:**  What? No! Sheila! Sheila! W-Wait... Who's Sheila?

 **Caboose:**  Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

 **Tucker:**  Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

"You motherfucking pervert." Weiss & Yang (who calmed down as soon as she heard Tucker say 'Oh, dude!') growled. After a few minutes, Weiss played the next episode.

**(A Shadow of His Former Self)**

_Radio noise is heard as the camera fades from black._   _Caboose_   _is standing behind_   _Tucker._

 **Tucker:**  Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?

 **Caboose** : Okay, that is the last of it. Your armour is clean now!

"Oh thank god." Blake sighed in relief. Now she wouldn't be pissed all the time at Tucker because he was wearing her favourite colour.

 **Tucker:**  Did you get all the black stuff off?

 _More radio noise is heard. Cut to_   _Vic_   _sitting at his control panel._

 **Vic:**  This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

 **Tucker** : Hello, Command! We need help!

"They actually have a  _command?!_ " Weiss said in disbelief, "All this shit for a flag..."

 **Vic:**  Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?

 **Tucker** : I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!

"What a professional..." Blake mumbled.

 **Vic:**   _(pauses)_  Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

The girls quickly blushed while Ruby had no idea why Vic asked that question.

 **Tucker:**  No, no, no, n-not like that! We need more men to help us.

 **Vic:**  Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, that got blown up too.

 **Vic:**  Wow. Sucks to be you.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, we know.

"Even their military think they're screwed." Yang said, 'If the tank only survived...'

 **Vic:**  Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in 16 days, or I-

"Not even reinforcements from Beacon to another country don't take that long." Ruby said, surprised that with all that technology it takes that long.

 **Tucker:**  16 days!? That's almost 2 weeks!

"Idiot." Weiss & Blake muttered.

 **Vic:**  OR I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him there within a few hours.

"'Freelancer'? As in a  _mercenary?_ " Blake exclaimed. If they're bringing mercs into this, they must be fucking serious.

 **Caboose:**  I like the "in an hour" one.

Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution.

 **Vic:**  10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact Freelancer Tex and have them there post-haste. Command out.

"'Tex'? What the fucking hell is a 'Tex'? That name sounds fucking dumb." Yang asked, but suddenly felt a pain at the back of her head. She turned around to see if one of the girls hit her head but saw that no one was there, 'Huh? Must be my imagination.'

_Radio cuts off._

**Tucker:**  Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

 **Caboose:**  What's a Freelancer?

 **Tucker:**  Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money.

Caboose: Like a mercenary.

"I was right." Blake muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Right. Or like your mom when the rent's due.

Weiss, Blake and Yang groaned while Ruby still didn't know why they were getting so mad about rent and milk, 'Everyone likes milk.' (AN: Bow Chick Bow Wow, couldn't resist)

 **Caboose:**  ...Oh, that's funny.

"No, it is not funny." Weiss said through gritted teeth.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?

 **Caboose:**  No, no, not at all. It- It was good.

 _A semi-transparent_   _Church_   _fades into view between Tucker and Caboose._

Blake was starting to shiver now, 'Please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost, please don't be a ghost...' Blake thought as she started hyperventilating. Weiss got caught up on who died thanks to Blake so she wasn't surprised.

 **Church:**   _(ghostly voice)_  Tucker... Tucker...

A high pitched scream was heard as the girls looked up to see the cool headed, no-nonsense Blake Belladonna hiding under her chair, shivering like crazy. Also sucking her thumb, "Oh my god..." Yang muttered before going into full blown laughter. The girls started laughing at Blake too, much to her embarrassment,

"Sh-Shut up, be-being afraid of g-g-g-g-ghosts is a v-very common p-phobia!" Blake stuttered, but knew she wouldn't live it down so she sat on her seat, braving ghost Church, 'Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out...'

 **Tucker:**  Who the hell are you!?

 **Church:**  I am the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a warning!

"Oh... a warning from beyond the grave!" Yang said in a ghostly voice, scaring Blake a bit more, 'Oh my god, I just found my  _Blake_ -mail material.'

 **Caboose:**  You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white!

 **Church:**   _(normal voice)_  Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, that's definitely him.

"True that." Weiss said,

"You know, Church reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it." Ruby stated. The others (other than Weiss) knew what Ruby was referring to, 'Weiss.'

 **Church:**  Now I gotta start over again.  _(clears throat, resumes ghostly voice)_  Tucker... Tucker...! I've come back with a warning!

"It only works once, dude." Yang said,

"YOLO!" Ruby yelled out randomly. The girls looked at her weirdly, "What? You Only Live Once, ya know." The girls looked at her weirdly before going back to the episode,

'Definitely the brain damage.'

 **Tucker:**  Is it  _really_  necessary to do the voice?

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, it's kinda annoying.

 **Church:**   _(normal voice)_  Fine. Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-

 **Caboose:**   _(interrupting)_  What's the warning?

 **Church:**  Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!

 **Caboose:**  Oh, sorry.

Church: Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.

"An asshole even when he's dead." Yang muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Sorry.

 **Church:**  I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man.  _(takes a deep breath)_  Okay, here's the deal-

 **Caboose:**   _(interrupting)_  Is this the warning?

 **Church:**  Alright, that's it. I swear to god, Caboose, your ass is haunted (Blake shivered, 'Don't piss off a ghost.'). When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

 **Church:**  Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?

"Why was he sent to Blood Gulch?" Ruby muttered, but didn't get an answer.

 **Tucker** : No.

 **Caboose:**  Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?

"He was stationed at a  _different planet?!_ " Weiss exclaimed. The RWBYs realised in horror something important.

There are more Red & Blue Teams.

"FUCK!"

 **Church:**  Yes.

 **Caboose:**  Cool! What was that like?

 **Church:**  Um... it was cold.

 **Caboose:**  That's it? Just cold?

"It is an ice planet." Blake said. Ruby was starting do doubt Caboose's thinking ability now.

 **Church:**  What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really... fuckin'... cold.

 **Tucker:**  Will you just let him talk?

 **Church:**  Alright, well...

_Fade to Sidewinder._

"It's like Blood Gulch with ice." Weiss noted. Though, despite having an ice affinity, she never seen snow. And by the looks of it, she would hate it.

 **Church:**  One day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember.. I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

 **Tucker:**  D'ya think I was a good kid, Church?

 **Church:**  Tucker, don't get jealous, man ("Aw..."). Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold...

 **Sidewinder Blue #1:**  Man, it's fucking cold.

 **Sidewinder Blue #2:**  I hope we get some action.

"Like Yang through winter." Blake muttered, remembering all that moaning and groaning about 'missions being cancelled' and shit like that.

 **Church:**  Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

 **Jimmy:**   _(in a highland southern accent)_  Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

 **Church:**  And that's when Tex showed up.

"Oh shit..." The RWBYs realised. Ruby quickly prepared herself, 'It's okay Ruby, it's only a movie... with lots of people dying and someone going to marry his girlfriend after, OH GOD I FEEL IT COMING!' "How does he know Tex, anyway?"

_A soldier in active camouflage [invisibility] moves in front of Jimmy and Church._

**Church:**  Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder...

Private Mickey:  _(spinning around and shooting)_  Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

"They take things literally, don't they?" Ruby muttered, who was starting to hyperventilate. The RWBYs agreed with their leader, but were keeping an eye on her.

_A Blue firing an Assault Rifle is hit from behind by a camouflaged Tex._

The RWBYs winced at the attack, "She killed someone in one hit." Weiss muttered, surprised, even a but impressed that this Tex was taking down people in one hit even though they had armour. Blake was amazed by Tex's stealth but Yang was focused on Ruby, making sure she doesn't activate her aura mode again.

 **Church:**  The whole thing was over before it even started.

_Tex kills another Blue. Switch to Jimmy and Church firing their guns._

"It's okay Ruby, it's okay..." Yang repeated softly as she saw Ruby's cloak going dark pink.

 **Church:**  Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it.

"Wait, WHAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out. Luckily, Ruby's cloak turned back to it's original colour,

"How is that physically possible?!" Yang exclaimed.

_Cut to Tucker at Blood Gulch._

**Tucker:**  Wait a second.. how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

Yang didn't care that she repeated what Tucker just said. Could someone really...

 **Church:**  That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

_Cut to Tex hitting Jimmy with his skull._

"OH MY GOD!" (Ruby)

"Okay, now I'm kinda scared." (Weiss)

"For the love of all that is Fauna..." (Blake)

'Holy shit, I want to do that!' (Yang). When they saw Yang's impressed face, they shifted away from her,

'We seem to be doing that a lot lately, haven't we?' the RWBYs thought.

 **Jimmy:**  This doesn't seem physically possible!  _(he collapses)_  Hurk! Bleh...

_Cut to Blood Gulch._

**Church:**  Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.

 **Caboose:**  If he's such a bad-ass, why didn't he kill you?

_Cut to Church standing alone in Sidewinder with blood all over the ground. The camera zooms out, revealing all the Sidewinder Blues are dead._

They couldn't help but feel sick. This  _man_  slaughtered an entire army and leaving only one person left to remember that. Ruby sobbed in Yang's shoulder, remembering what Jimmy was going to when he got out of the army.

 **Church:**  To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. ...But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before.

"What...?" The RWBYs said in disbelief,

"That's how he knew?" Ruby said quietly.

 **Tucker:**  Where?

 **Church:**  You, uh.. you remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married (The girls heard Ruby growl, 'Tex is so dead.'). Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

 **Tucker** : Okay.

 **Church:**  I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it...

_Church fades away._

**Tucker:**  So..! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

"Pervert!" Weiss & Yang yelled.

Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut.

"HE MEANT THAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out. That's it; the entire canyon is full of idiots.

_The camera pans, revealing Tex standing behind Tucker and Caboose._

"Oh my god..." Weiss said. Blake couldn't believe how good Tex was at stealth. Yang was impressed by what she's seen. But Ruby was the only one not impressed. Actually, she kinda hoped that Tex would die.

That's how much she loves romance.

After a quick break to tend to their needs (with Yang now regretting going first without any nose protection), Blake grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Knock Knock. Who's There? _Pain._ )**

_Sarge and Grif are standing next to the Warthog which is now on its side behind Red Base. Lopez is crouched over it, repairing it. A socket wrench is heard in the background._

"Oh my god, he's saving the Jeep!" Yang cheered. The RWBYs were starting to regret letting Yang watch this stuff. More than letting Ruby watch it.

 **Grif:**  And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and... shit just started blowin' up. I don't know. _(sighs)_

 **Sarge:**   _(exhales in exasperation)_  Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

 **Grif:**  I-I don't know, uh, like, uh, what.. ten, ten.. twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe (The RWBYs had to face palm at Grif's understanding of the military's budget)? Uh, you-you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

 **Sarge:**  Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya.

_Lopez stops working and stands up to face Grif._

"Oh come on, I don't think Lopez would be the violent type, right?" Ruby said. The others didn't respond as Lopez seemed to react to that a bit too quickly for their liking,

'Please don't be another Simmons, one is enough already.'

 **Grif:**  Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and-

_Lopez puts down his tool for a gun._

"Yep, he's going to do it." Weiss muttered, 'Great, another kiss ass.'

 **Sarge:**  Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.

 **Grif:**   _(backing away)_  Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then.

_Lopez and Sarge look at each other then turn and start firing at Grif off screen._

**Grif:**  Hey guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here.

_Cut to the top of Blue Base where Tucker is standing next to Tex who is firing at something._

**Tucker:**  That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

 **Tex:**  And your flag.  _(reloads)_

"Holy shit, that is one  _deep_  voice!" Yang exclaimed. Though, there was something off about it. Unnatural. But she also felt like she heard that voice before underneath the helmet. She just couldn't see what it was.

 **Tucker:**  Right, that too.

_Tex throws a grenade at something._

**Tucker** : Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.

 _Camera pans, showing Tex has been firing "at" Caboose_.

Blake was starting to feel disgusted. No one would use their own team mates as target practice, even in the White Fang. Though, after meeting Ruby, she could see that it was justified. She couldn't help but feel sorry for Caboose too.

 **Caboose:**  I'm scared.

_Tex starts looking over various weapons. Caboose runs up to Tex and Tucker._

**Tucker:**  So, you've got the Special Forces black armour, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?

 **Tex:**   _(looks at Tucker while reloading a gun)_

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-

_Tex runs off._

"I guess he's already going for the flag." Weiss figured. Though, she was afraid this Tex would completely destroy the Reds, 'Wait, what am I worried about. As far as I know, they don't even deserve to be soldiers.'

 **Tucker:**  Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

 **Caboose:**   _(whispering loudly)_  I don't think he likes you.

 **Tucker:**  ...Thanks.

_Tucker and Caboose run up to the edge of the base._

**Tucker:**  Where are you going?

 **Tex:**  Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

"He does take his job seriously." Blake muttered. Yang somehow felt weird at the mention of masculine words. It felt plain wrong for her.

 **Caboose:**  Oh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans...porter...

_Cut to Grif on top of Red Base._

Grif: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because  _SOMEBODY_  didn't believe in it.

 **Simmons:**  Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.

 **Donut:**  Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own colour armour now?

"Well, it would be good for him to change armour. I don't want two Sarges." Ruby said. The RWBYs feared the thought of a second Sarge.

 **Simmons:**  What do you mean "captured"? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

 **Donut:**  Still, you think there's a shot?

 **Simmons:**  Maybe they'll give you Grif's armour, since he destroyed the Warthog.

 **Grif:**  Hyeah, heh-wait... You don't... You don't think they'd do that, do you?

"I think they would." Yang said.

 _Cut to Sarge watching Lopez fix the Warthog. A socket wrench is heard in the background_.

 **Sarge:**  Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there.

_Lopez stands up._

**Sarge** : I think that's what's makin' that rattle.

 _Lopez turns and faces Sarge_.

 **Sarge:**  I think I'll let you do it.

_Lopez returns to work. Invisible Tex runs behind Sarge._

"He still has invisibility. But how is it running?" Blake questioned, "It obviously needs something to help it run."

 **Sarge:**  What the...? What was that?

"But Sarge might have more sensitive hearing. He can probably detect Tex." Weiss added in.

_Cut to Grif._

**Grif:**  Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?

Simmons:  _(looking over the edge of the base)_  I thought I saw something for a second.

"Or maybe it's the shimmer of the armour." Blake said, figuring out the weakness.

_Camera pans down to reveal invisible Tex, then cuts back to Grif._

**Grif:**  Hey rookie, tuck the flag some place safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.

 **Donut:**  Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway.  _(drops the flag into the middle of the base)_

"Great place, Donut." Yang said sarcastically.

_Cut to Tex, then to Grif and Simmons looking off the edge of the base._

**Simmons:**  Did you hear that?

 **Grif:**  Yeah.

 **Donut:**   _(whispering)_  Hey! What's going on?

_Cut to Tex who throws a plasma grenade, then cut to Grif and Simmons from behind. Grif turns around._

"Um... what's that?" Ruby asked. The other literally had no idea.

 **Grif:**  What the fuck?

_Cut to Donut who has the plasma grenade stuck to his helmet._

"Whatever it is, it can't be good." Blake said.

 **Donut:**  What?

 **Simmons:**   _(turns around)_  What is that thing?

 **Donut:**   _(concerned)_  What Thing?

 **Grif:**  There's somethin' on your head.

Blake thought she heard something so she turned up her hearing a bit. Her eyes widened when she realised what type of sound it was.

Sizzling like a grenade.

"Fuck, Donut got stuck with a grenade!" She exclaimed, surprising the RWBYs.

 **Donut:**  What, is it a spider? Get it off!

"IT'S NOT A SPIDER! GET IT OFF!" Ruby yelled out.

 **Simmons:**  No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.

"WHY ARE THEY JUST STANDING THERE?!" Weiss exclaimed. The thing could blow up any second now.

 **Donut** : What, like a blue spider? Get it off!

 **Grif:**  It's not a spider! Calm down. It's some kinda... fuzzy, pulsating thing.

"IT'S A STICKY GRENADE!" Yang yelled, she didn't want Ruby to see someone die again.

 **Donut:**  That doesn't sound much better than a spider.

 **Simmons:**  Does it hurt?

"It's going to hurt a lot soon." Blake whispered to herself as she braced herself.

 **Donut:**  No.

 **Simmons:**  Maybe we should try to take it off.

"No, it's too late! Throw him out of Red Base!" Yang said.

 **Grif:**  Good idea. Go for it.

 **Simmons:**  Me? By "we" I meant "you". Asshole.

"Why are they fighting?!" Weiss complained, 'Donut is fucked!'

 **Donut:**  Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.

_The grenade explodes._

"DONUT!"

 _Grif and Simmons:_  Son of a bitch!

_Fade to black with sounds of people being hit._

**Grif:**  Sim- Where'd he go?

_More sounds of people being hit._

**Grif:**  Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

"I don't think he'll look pretty after that." Ruby said. She was shaken but she thought thanks to the armour Donut could've survived.

She hoped anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	10. Tex(t) Me, Before You Go (Down, but Not Out, Human Peer Bonding, Roomier Than It Looks)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue is copied off the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Ruby wasn't feeling like herself today. Maybe it was because she was reminded of the death of her parents or the fact that Qrow was missing, maybe even the possible brain damage she suffered due to blood loss or when Yang punched her in the back of her head. But for some reason, she felt more like herself than she ever did. She felt like she could go against 200 Ursa and come out clean.

And even if she did die, she would become a ghost like Church. Actually, the RWBYs were discussing the subject during the break they were taking.

"A g-g-ghost." Blake said in disbelief at what their leader was saying,

"Yep!" She said simply,

"A spirit." Weiss added,

"Boo motherfucker!" Ruby said, causing Blake to jump back, Weiss to face palm and Yang to finally realise that she fucked up big time, "Anyway, do you think Donut's okay?" Ruby asked worryingly. So far, Donut was probably the most sane character, and she did like the Rookie. Kinda reminded her of her at times. A bit naive but loveable. Though, she did like Caboose too, 'I really hope he likes cookies.'

"I don't think anyone could sur-mph!" Weiss got interrupted by Yang covering her mouth,

"Don't worry, Ruby. I'm sure he's fine." Yang said, all while thinking, 'I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up, please spirit of Ruby's mother not haunt my ass.' "Anyway Ruby, he only just came. They won't kill off a character this soon."

"Uh... isn't Church dead?" Blake said. This caused Ruby to go into a depression, thinking about his grieving girlfriend, before brightening up,

"Maybe he still can!" Ruby yelled out all of a sudden. Weiss, Blake & Yang looked at her weirdly, "I mean is, have you ever seen that coma movie with Ashton Cutcher in it?" The others nodded cautiously, "Well maybe he can purpose to her like in the movie an-"

"Ruby, shut up." Weiss interrupted with a sigh, "That can't happen in real life, let alone in the movie."

"But the Blues can see him!"

"He's dead! You can't marry a dead man!"

"Oh yes I can!"

"EW! RUBY!"

"I will prove that love will conquer all."

"Wanna bet on it?" Weiss said smugly, causing Ruby to be a bit angrier and blurt out the first thing she thought of,

"THE LOSER KISSES THE WINNER'S LIPS!" There was a silence as the rest of the RWBYs processes the bet, before all of them yelling out a big fat "WHAT?!"

"Deal Weiss? I win when Church purposes to his girlfriend." Ruby said with a serious voice while holding out her pinky. Weiss knew she was going to regret doing this, she was going to lose no matter what and if they pinky swore there was no going back,

"Deal. I win when Church doesn't." Weiss said as she shook the red cloaked girl's pinky with her own. While they did, Yang fainted and Blake blushed madly before saying she had to go to the bathroom. While playing 'Mirror Mirror' on the stereo, with the volume turned up to max.

(A few hours later... and realisations of what the bet was)

"FUCK!"

"What happened?!" Blake said as she rushed to the dorm, hot and sweaty. She saw Weiss banging her head on a wall and Ruby rocking back and forth muttering 'I'm an idiot, I don't deserve to exist.' In an emo tone. Blake decided it was time to watch more Red vs Blue. Then they can yell at soldiers on a TV screen than each other. Blake woke Yang up, placed Ruby on her chair, pulled Weiss from her head-banging wall and grabbed the remote, "Okay, let's just calm down. I think it's time to watch some more. From now on, we will be watching in 3 episode intervals. Any objections?" Blake said with her patented cat glare. The others quickly nodded. Blake smirked and sat down on her chair and pressed play for the next episode.

**(Down, but Not Out)**

**Grif:**   _(heard in distance)_  Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

_Fade in to Blue Base. Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle._

**Caboose:**  Man... He is really kicking their asses.

Yang was seriously feeling uncomfortable about masculine words, 'Why am I so weird about calling Tex a guy?!' While Yang was thinking about that, Weiss was wondering when they would figure out Tex was a female.

Yes, Weiss already knew. She figured that since they've only seen guys so far, she guessed that Tex was a girl. She was waiting for the RWBYs to realise it, having accidentally let it slip last time. Luckily, no one caught on. Also, the voice was a dead giveaway. Now it was just the waiting game...

 **Tucker:**  How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

"Because you would you it to look in the girl's bathroom." Weiss growled.

 **Caboose:**   _(lowers the rifle)_  I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

 **Tucker:**  Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

 **Tucker:**  It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.

"Oh you fucker." Blake growled as well. The Blue Team only had Tex for a short time and now they were replacing Church with him already. If their leader s-wait, 'Who was the Blue Team's leader again?'

 **Caboose:**  Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

 **Tucker:**  Did Tex get in the base?

 **Caboose:**   _(raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base)_  Yeah.

_Cut to the flag stand in the Blue Base. The flag reappears._

"Okay, where did that come from?!" Ruby yelled out pretty scared,

"Probably teleportation or something." Blake responded.

 **Male Game Voice:**  Blue Team, flag returned.

"Okay, where did THAT come from?!"

 **Tucker:**  What the...? Who said that?

 **Church:**   _(clears throat)_  Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

"Wow." Yang said, "Did he really have to be so dramatic about it?" Yang paused for a second before saying, "Forget what I just said."

 **Caboose:**  Hey, it's Church!

 **Church:**  Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose.

 **Caboose:**   _(peppy)_  Hey, Church, what're you up to?

"I don't know, he is  _dead!_ " Weiss exclaimed.

 **Church:**  Caboose,  _(laughs)_  ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

 **Tucker:**  Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.

 **Church:**  Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?

 **Tucker:**  I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease.

 **Church:**  Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

 **Caboose:**   _(clueless)_  That Sidewinder is cold..!?

 **Church:**   _(grunts)_  What was the OTHER one thing I told you?

 **Tucker:**  Not to let him get involved?

 **Church:**  Right. And what did you do?

 **Tucker:**  ...We let him get involved.

"I wonder why Church doesn't want Tex involved? He looks like an ordinary merc." Ruby stated. Weiss was trying to hold in the laughter, 'Calm down Weiss. Tex isn't confirmed to be a girl just yet.'

 **Church:**  And not just a little involved. How involved?

 **Caboose:**  Very, very involved.

_Cutto Tex in the Red Base._

**Sarge:**   _(emerging from the left)_  Freeze.

_Lopez emerges from the right, trapping Tex in._

"Holy shit, Sarge actually caught Tex." Blake said. She was impressed that Sarge was a good soldier, he just wasn't good at everything else.

 **Sarge:**  Drop your weapon.

 **Tex:**   _(drops the gun)_  Hey, buddy.

 **Sarge** : What.

 **Tex:**  You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

 _Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out._   _Cut to Grif on the Red Base getting to his feet._

"I think it did." Yang said.

 **Grif:**  Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

 **Simmons:**   _(stands up from tending to Donut)_  He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

"Fuck, forgot about Donut." Ruby said quietly, "But at least he's alright."

 **Grif:**  Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted (This caused a few snickers to go around, "What grown man faints?"), and then some black thing showed up and started-

 **Simmons:**  Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

 **Grif:**  Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

 **Simmons:**  Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking.  _(runs down the ramp)_

 **Simmons:**  Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

The RWBYs felt kind of sorry for Grif. He was at least pretty smart.

_Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the Red Base._

**Caboose:**  Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ...  _(inhales sharply as he has an epiphany)_ Or captured AND dead!

"Uh... no one can be captured and be dead." Blake stated,

"Unless you're a Ghostbuster! Who you gonna ca-"

"Shut up Ruby." They all said at the same time. This caused Ruby to go back to her seat sadly.

 **Church:**   _(sarcastic)_  Oh, well that's just PERFECT!

 **Tucker:**  What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.

 **Church:**  I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

 **Caboose:**  She?

"TEX IS A GIRL?! WHO NAME'S THEIR KID TEX?!" Yang yelled out in disbelief. Blake was face palming, considering this was the first girl they've seen in the series,

"That's it. Tex is so fucking dead." Ruby growled. But now was the question, 'What was Tex's real voice?'

_Cut to inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present._

**Simmons:**  Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

 **Sarge:**  Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command!  _(turns to Tex)_  Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

 _Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back._   _There's a brief sound like a distorted voice._

Ruby would've said something about Tex being a female robot but was too distracted in find ways to kill Tex, 'Maybe a sniper bullet to the ass and out her fucking head?'

 **Tex:**   _(now sounding female)_  Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!

"Oh my god..." Yang said quietly. She knew this voice off by heart,

"What is it?" Weiss asked,

"It couldn't be... but Caboose..." Weiss just shrugged and went back to watching.

 **Grif:**  Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

The girls growled a bit (apart from Yang who was still processing)

 **Tex** : ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?

"It is, isn't it?" Yang muttered,

"What is it, Yang? Does it sound like someone we know?" Blake asked,

"It sounds nothing like her, but..."

"YANG!" Ruby yelled out as she grabbed her sister's collar, "WHO. IS. IT."

"G-G-G-G-"

"G-G-Gavin? Gavino? Goeff?"

"G-Glenda Goodwitch." This caused Ruby to drop her sister back on her chair and faint. Weiss and Blake couldn't believe it too,

"But Tex doesn't sound anything like her!" Blake said,

"Oh yeah? Think about it?" Yang suggested. Blake thought about it, and the more she thought, the more it made sense,

"Oh my God."

"Yep." After everything calmed down and Ruby woke up, Weiss played the next episode.

**(Human Peer Bonding)**

_Fade in to Tucker on top of Blue Base._

**Tucker:**  Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

"TEX WAS WHAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out,

"B-But I thought Church had a girl back home!" Ruby yelled out,

"He was probably referring to Tex. He probably still loves her enough to prepose." Weiss said. Ruby was touched... even though she still wanted Tex dead, 'NO ONE FUCKS UP A RELATIONSHIP ON MY WATCH, OR MY NAME ISN'T RUBY-FUCKING-ROSE!' She also wanted to win the bet... for some odd reason,

"Whoever wrote Tex being Church's ex is a genius." Weiss said sarcastically,

"Yeah, he should get an ostrich!" Ruby yelled out,

"Uh... don't you mean 'Oscar', Ruby?" Yang corrected,

"No." The dark crimson haired girl simply said. This cause the RWBYs to shift away from her,

"She does know that the Death Egg Grimm is the most dangerous Grimm out there, right?" Blake whispered to her partner,

"First thing we learned at Signal." Yang said worryingly (AN: Joke from chistopherwebbingjr (name off by memory))

 **Church:**  In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

 **Caboose:**  I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me.

"Aw..." Blake said, "They have good reason to."

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

 **Caboose:**  I like me...

 **Tucker:**  I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?

 **Church:**  I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

 **Caboose:**  Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

 **Church:**  Uh... because she's from Texas.

"Sounds like a dumb place to live." Yang muttered. Then she felt pain in the back of her head again, this time it flung her off her seat. Yang quickly got up and looked behind her. Again, no one was there. Hell, the rest of the RWBYs didn't notice, 'Okay... why do I feel like I'm pissing off a lot of important people? Meh, it's probably nothing.'

 **Caboose:**  ...

 **Church:**  Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

 **Tucker:**  Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

"Fuck you, Tucker!" The RWBYs yelled out, "No one will sleep with you!"

 **Church:**  Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armour with this  _really_  aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

"A.I? As in Artificial Intelligence? What does he mean by aggressive A.I?" Blake talked to herself. The others were wondering too.

 **Caboose:**  A.I... What's the A stand for?

 **Church** (& Weiss) **:**  Artificial.

 **Caboose:**  ...What's the I-

 **Church** (& Weiss) **:**   _(interrupts)_  Intelligence.

The others went quiet before looking at Weiss, "Don't you dare..." she growled.

 **Caboose:**  Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?

"Dumbass..." Weiss & Blake muttered.

 **Church:**  Let's move on.

 **Tucker:**  So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

 **Church:**  Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Ruby had to sniff a little, "Even with all those enhancements, he still loves her." She said, before crying into Yang's shoulder, "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!"

"I don't think beautiful is the word for it." Yang muttered as she awkwardly rubbed her sister's back (AN: Thank you Iron-Mantis for the joke).

 **Tucker:**  Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper.

 **Church:**  So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

 **Caboose:**  I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!

"Uh... you know what, I think Caboose might be the 'Ruby' of Red vs Blue." Blake whispered to Weiss. She agreed, remembering how many things she misunderstood or blindingly didn't listen.

(Flashback)

"RUBY, THAT IS NOT A MAGAZINE ABOUT BUNNIES!"

"What was that, Weiss? I was just reading this magazine ab-wow, that is  _a lot_  of boobs."

(End Flashback)

 **Church:**  Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint._

**Grif:**  So, you're a girl, huh?

"I think this is the first girl they've seen in years." Yang said.

 **Tex:**  ...

 **Simmons:**  Just ignore him, that's what I do.

 **Grif:**  Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

 **Tex:**  Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?

"Bad move dude." Ruby said, remembering how Yang gets information.

 _Tex leans in at Grif quickly. Grif flinches and steps back_.

 **Grif:**  Ahh! Not in the face!

_Cut to Church on Blue Base._

**Church:**  Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.

"And we know how those go." Blake said for the team.

 **Tucker:**  A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ...mission statement?

 **Church:**  I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.

 **Caboose:**   _(nervous)_  Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."

"I think Caboose might be right." Weiss muttered.

 **Church:**  The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armour, while I sneak in the back of the base.

 **Tucker:**  Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armour?

_Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at it too._

**Tucker:**   _(looks back at Church)_  ...Oh fuckberries...

"Oh fuckberries indeed. This might be interesting." Yang muttered, wondering how the plan will go. But from what she's seen so far, probably not well. A quick break and Yang quickly played the next episode.

**(Roomier Than It Looks)**

_Tucker comes out of the teleporter with black armor on._

"Back to black, huh Blake?" Yang said as she nudged the cat girl. A quick growl shut Yang up.

 **Church:**  Are you okay, Tucker?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, I'm fine.  _(runs up to the top of a nearby hill)_  Come on, Caboose!

 **Caboose:**   _(on top of the base)_  Does it hurt?!

 **Tucker:**  No, not at all!

"I have a feeling it does." Weiss thought out loud. When she gets out of Beacon, she's going to stop the Dust Teleportation Project.

 **Caboose:**  Okay! Here I come!

 **Church:**  Does it hurt for real?

 **Tucker:**  Ohh, yeah. Big time.

_Church and Tucker turn towards the teleporter._

**Caboose:**   _(emerging from the teleporter in black armour)_  Owwwchie.  _(turns to Tucker)_  You lied to me.

_Cut to Sarge on top of Red Base._

**Sarge:**  Ah, dammit. Lopez, c'mere. Do you see something out there?

"I don't think black armour is going to help." Blake said.

_Lopez looks through a sniper rifle, then turns to Sarge and lowers his head. Camera pans down to Grif and Simmons inside the base._

**Simmons:**  There's no L in it, it's pronounced both.

 **Grif:**  That's what I'm saying. Bolth.

 **Simmons:**  Both.

"It doesn't matter. Both of them are idiots." Weiss muttered, saying 'bolth',

"It's pronounced both, Weiss." Yang corrected. Weiss was about to say something but didn't want anymore RWBY wars.

 **Grif:**  You sound like such an ass the way you say it.

 **Sarge:**  Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here ("'The fuck? Who says 'keister' these days?" (Ruby) ). Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.

 **Grif:**  As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should  _bolth_  go, sir.

 **Simmons:**  BOTH.

"Is there a pronunciation Nazi out there?" Ruby asked Weiss. Weiss nodded out of reflex, remembering the time she had to do a speech when she was in 3rd Grade... in front of an entire factory. She shivered, also remembering every time she messed up on a word. On a side note: she is now immune to lightning.

 **Grif:**  Seriously, man, like an ass.

 **Sarge:**  Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honour system - have her guard herself.

"Wow... they suck at keeping hostages." Blake said.

 **Grif:**  Good point, sir.

 **Sarge:**  YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray paint the bull's-eye on your back... Ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.

 **Grif:**  Yeah...  _(sighs)_  I'll be right up.

_Cut to Church looking through a sniper rifle._

**Church:**  Hey, Tucker. Come in, man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio._

**Tucker:**  Roger that.

"Wait... if Church is dead, why is he talking into a radio?" Ruby asked no one. This sparked a bit of curiosity between the girls.

 **Caboose:**  Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that... Is that Church?

 **Church:**  Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention.

 **Caboose:**   _(speaking over Church, drowning him out)_  Tell him, that I... that I said... for me to say hi..?

 **Tucker** : Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio.

_Cut to Church._

**Church:**  I said, just keep movin-

 **Tucker:**   _(over radio)_  I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

 **Church:**   _(severs the connection)_  Oh my god. I can't believe I actually died for this war.

'I can't believe it either.' The RWBYs thought. How humiliating, they could imagine his grave stone:

Leonard (Whatever his middle name is) Church

Age: (The RWBYs didn't know)

XXXX to XXXX

Died by a friendly missile to the face, protecting a flag. He was a prick and a horrible shot. He won't be missed.

The RWBYs realised now that they sucked at imagining grave stones.

_Cut to Grif looking through a sniper rifle. Church can be seen running through the background towards Red Base._

**Grif:**  I don't see any-  _(sees Caboose running across the Gulch)_  Uh oh. Yep, there's one. _(Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it)_  ...Why is he just standing there?

 _Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock_.

 **Tucker:** Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

 **Caboose:**  They can't see me. I can't see them!

"Oh my god, I can't take much more of this." Yang groaned while slumping down.

 **Tucker:**  That's because you're facing the rock.

 **Caboose:**   _(looks at the base)_  Oh. Right.  _(ducks behind the rock)_

 **Tucker** : Real smooth, dipshit.

_Cut to Sarge on Red Base._

**Sarge:**  They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew- _(Church enters Sarge's body)_  Wa-kika-herger!

"Wait, Sarge was at Sidewinder," Blake noted, "So maybe... Tex did what she did to the Blues and did that to the Reds." The team shivered, though Yang really wanted to know how to pull out a skull and beat them to death with it, 'Uh... you know, to use on the Grimm.'

 **Grif:**  Sir, are you okay?

 **Church**   **as Sarge:**  Uh, who you talking to, Red? Me?

"Great impression of Sarge Church. Second place!" Yang said, but got a tomato thrown at her, "Ruby!"

"Wasn't me!" Ruby quickly defended while casually hiding away a basket full of fruit labelled 'In case Yang tells a pun or groan worthy joke', "Weiss did it!"

"Hey!"

 **Grif:**   _(sarcastically)_  No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding.

_Lopez takes a swing at Grif who steps back._

**Grif:**  Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

 **Church:**  Oh, uh I-I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit!  _(horks one up and spits on his visor)_

"Ew." The girls said while turning a bit green.

 **Grif:**  ...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

 **Church:**  Uh, yeah. I guess I did.

 **Grif:**  Permission to speak freely, sir?

 **Church:**  Go ahead.

 **Grif:**  That's really fucking gross.

"Couldn't say that better myself." Weiss muttered,

_Cut to Caboose crouching down._

**Caboose:**  Hey, Tucker?

 **Tucker:**  What?

 **Caboose** : I'm having a really good time... with... you.

"This is supposed to be a mission. I don't think you're supposed to enjoy it." Blake stated. Though, now that she thought about it, Yang is a bit like Caboose.

 **Tucker:**   _(annoyed)_  That's great, Caboose.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.

The RWBYs were about to say something about them being  _real_ soldiers, until they realised they weren't.

 **Tucker:**  Would you please go hide behind another rock?

 _Cut to Church as Sarge running down to where Tex and Simmons are_.

 **Church:**  Hey, man. What's up, yo?

"Who the fuck says 'Yo'?" Yang said,

"About every rapper and gangster known to mankind." Ruby replied.

 **Simmons:**  Uh... hey...? What's going on out there, sir?

 **Church:**  What's, uh.. why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?

 **Simmons:**  I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

 **Church:**  Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ...other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you.

 **Simmons:**   _(turning around to face Tex)_  Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

_Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down._

**Simmons:**  Ow, geez, the back of my head!

"Very subtle." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex:**  What the hell are you doing!?

 **Church:**  Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.

 **Tex:**  You're kind of short to be Church.

 **Church:**  What? Oh yeah, right. The armour.

 _Church leaves Sarge_.

 **Sarge:**  Hurk! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?

 **Church:**  Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armour that they got from going through the teleporter.

 **Tex:**  ...Okay.

"No wonder Tex is perfect for Church." Ruby muttered, 'Doesn't mean I won't hunt you down, bitch. Maybe I'll go after your voice.'

 **Church:**  What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

 **Tex:**  No. It pretty much all makes sense.

 **Church:**  Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

 **Tex:**  I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious...

 **Church:**  Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here.

 **Sarge:**   _(as Church re-enters him)_  Huuurk!

 _Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle, with Tucker near him_.

 **Tucker:**  What're you doing?

 **Caboose:**  One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.

"He wants to be  _friends?_  Even after all those comments?" Blake asked, surprised how much this guy is determined to do anything. The RWBYs understood that he wanted to make up for killing Church.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?

 **Caboose:**   _(taking aim on Sarge's head)_  Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.

"Wait... isn't that Church, who's possessing Sarge?" Weiss asked. Was Caboose really going to...

 _Cut to Church as Sarge, and Tex, outside the Red Base_.

 **Church:**  Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!

_Caboose shoots Sarge in the head, and his body falls down._

"NO!" Ruby yelled out, her cloak turning white for a second before turning back to red after Yang wrapped her arms around her. The rest of them couldn't believe it.

"Did Caboose just..." (Blake)

"Yep." (Weiss)

"I have a feeling that this might be a running gag." (Yang, who was still holding onto a sobbing Ruby, who was muttering, 'Not again...')

 **Church:**  What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!

 **Caboose:**  Tucker did it!

The RWBYs eyes widened at that sentence. They only had one thought in their minds,

'Caboose, you team-killing fucktard bitch ass.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	11. Season Finale-Exit: Stage Right (How the Other Half Lives, A Slightly Crueler Cruller, Points of Origin, SPF 0, Last One Out, Hit the Lights)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue is from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Maybe this was it.

The start may have been easy but now they were at a stand still. They couldn't decide on what to do but they all knew one question that may change their way of thought.

Should they lock Ruby in a broom closet?

It was justified, Ruby may have brain damage and she might get more if she watched more Red vs Blue. But the girls didn't want Ruby to spend the rest of the summer in a broom closet, but that would mean Ruby would watch the movies, no matter what. And they couldn't leave her alone. But then again, they didn't want to see a 15 year old girl make out with a princess, "Okay. While Ruby is out getting popcorn, we have to decide now." Blake stated,

"I say we should at least duct tape her to a chair and..."

"No way, princess! We aren't pulling kidnapping manoeuvres!" Yang interrupted Weiss, "Unless you want to?" Yang said with an eyebrow raised. This caused Blake to blush again and feel that familiar heat rising up while Weiss glared at the blonde,

"I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT SHIT!" Weiss yelled, "Anyway, I don't even think Ruby has brain damage. She might be joking, you know?" Weiss muttered. Yang was about to say something else until she realised what Ruby said before Weiss created a shit storm in the bathroom,

"Wait, how many boxes of Marshmallow Flakes did Ruby eat?" Yang asked quickly,

"There were about 46 boxes. Not including the other ones." Weiss growled, still pretty pissed,

"Oh shit, she didn't."

"Oh yes, she did."

"Um... is that a problem?" Blake asked,

"No... except IT'S WORSE!" Yang exclaimed, surprising them,

"Wait, why?!"

"Because, well..." Yang murmured a bit while rubbing the back of her neck,

"Well, what Yang?" Weiss said impatiently,

"W-Well, it isn't brain damage. Actually, this kinda happened a few years ago."

"Ruby ate 46 boxes  _before?!_ " Blake exclaimed, not believing that for such a small girl could eat that much,

"No... she ate forty- _five_  boxes. And last time, it wasn't pretty. She was so hyped up on sugar that she spent the next 3 months as loopy as Professor Obbleck." Yang said, smiling slightly on how Ruby got her out of many, many classes in Signal,

"So you're saying that Ruby will be like this for  **the whole summer?!** " Weiss yelled out,

"Oh no," Yang replied simply, "This is phase one, Emotional Ruby. She's a bit more sensitive to her emotions, a lot braver and a bit more stupid. Kinda like Caboose." Ruby suddenly sneezed as she approached the pantry, feeling slightly insulted,

"Wait, then why does Ruby act like Ruby at times." Weiss asked,

"Because it's only phase one and that she would fall in and out of that phase. In the later phases, she won't though." Yang explained,

"H-How many phases are there?" Blake asked with fear in her voice,

"Ten." There was a silence in the room before Weiss said,

"We're fucked, aren't we?"

"Definitely."

"Correct."

"Okay Yang, what's the next phase?" Weiss asked,

"Oh. Um... it's either Bitch Ruby or Action Ruby." Yang said, trying to remember, "I think I forgot the other phases."

"Oh great." Blake groaned, "We either get a Ruby that will act like Weiss/Church,"

"I AM NOT CHURCH!"

"Or a Ruby who's trying to kill herself on purpose."

"Oh no, she'll just like action just as much as me!" Yang said proudly,

'Please, for the love of god don't make her a Yang clone.' Weiss & Blake thought as they didn't want another Tank-Obsessed girl in their lives (AN: Also, tell me a phase Ruby should go through because I want Ruby to be a bit 'dyanamic'). Anyway, when Ruby came back with the popcorn, they quickly settled down into their chairs and got ready,

"Hey, there are only 5 episodes left, wanna get the season over with?" Yang asked as she looked at the DVD case. The others quickly nodded and started getting ready,

"Alright, this is it! Ready girls?!" (Ruby)

"Let's get this over with." (Weiss)

"Go for it, Ruby." (Blake)

"What are we waiting for!" (Yang)

"Alright, time for the final episodes of Red vs Blue: Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1!" The others groaned, remembering that this was only the beginning.

**(How the Other Half Lives)**

_Colors are dulled. Sarge is running up a hill, toward the camera._

'Oh shit, Sarge might be actually dead.' Yang thought, 'Wait, FUCK YEAH! SARGE IS DEAD!'

 **Sarge:**   _(with a slight echo)_  Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?

_Cut to Church._

**Church:**   _(with a slight echo)_  Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.

'Yep, he's dead.' The Team thought, "About time he kicked the bucket." Weiss muttered. The team agreed that the man was way over his expiration date.

_Church runs up to Sarge._

**Sarge:**  What is this place?

 **Church:**  Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.

 **Sarge:**  Am I dead?

 **Church:**  Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

 **Sarge:**  Are you some kinda angel?

"If he's an angel then Tucker is a fucking Virgin Mary." Blake said,

"And Caboose is God." Ruby casually added in, until she realised what just said, "I don't think I would live on a planet ruled by Caboose."

 **Church:**   _(chuckling)_  Aheh heh heh... am I an angel. Uh,  _(clears throat)_  yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.

"Oh fuck no." Yang exclaimed, "If their charging people to go to heaven then I'd pay twenty."

 **Sarge:**  Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallet's back in the car.

 **Church:**  Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh... that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.

"Says the guy who got team-killed protecting a flag." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge:**  I don't remember dyin'.

 **Church:**  Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.

 **Sarge:**  Hold on a second, that ain't fair.

 **Church:**  Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.

_Cut to Sheila aiming at Church._

"HOLY SHIT, SHEILA!" Yang yelled out as she jumped from her chair. Blake & Ruby quickly grabbed Yang to prevent her from hugging the TV screen,

"Definitely worse than Ruby." Weiss muttered as they duct taped Yang to the chair.

 **Sheila:**  Target locked.

 **Church** : Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!

_Sheila lowers her turret and drives off._

"Aw..." Team RWBY couldn't resist, feeling a bit sorry for Sheila. While that was happening, Yang was trying to break out of her chair.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons over Sarge's body in the real world; the picture is distorted, wavy anytime the real world is shown._

Ruby had to breath into a brown bag she brought just to keep herself calm.

 **Grif:** Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!

"Wow, strange turn of events." Blake muttered. She kinda respected Grif, even with all those comments, he's still willing to save his Leader... even though he wanted to kill him,

"You know he's going to mock Grif after this." Weiss said,

"Oh come on, Weiss. Grif is saving Sarge's life. He might treat him better after this." Ruby retorted,

"He's performing CPR to  _a bullet to the head._ And even if he does survive. he wants to kill Grif. I bet he wouldn't."

"Oh... another bet?"

"100 len?"

"200."

"Deal!"

_Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

**Sarge:**  Who is that? Who's there?

 **Church:**  Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

_Cut to Grif hitting Sarge in the chest with the butt end of his gun._

**Grif:**  You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!

"Yep, that definitely how you perform CPR." Yang said sarcastically, before seeing Ruby's fingers to her chin, "I WAS KIDDING!"

_Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

**Sarge:**  That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!

 **Church:**  He can't hear you.

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.

_Cut to Church in "Dead World."_

**Church** : If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

"I'm not." Blake said without thinking. Before realising she had people around her,

"Uh... Blake?" Ruby asked cautiously, "What the Fuck?" All Blake did was blush and went back to watching.

_Cut to Simmons._

**Simmons:**  ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

'Please, please, please, please, please, please...' Blake thought as she started sweating. The others quickly noticed and shifted away from her (or hop away in Yang's case).

_Cut to Church in "Dead World."_

**Church:**  I'm leaving.

 **Sarge:**  I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

 **Church:**  Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?

 **Sarge:**  I thought they didn't like me.

"Aw... they have good reason to, asshole." Weiss said.

 **Church:**  Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

"Charge fifty, for god sake!" Yang yelled out, breaking out of the duct tape and freaking her team mates out, "What?"

"Nothing!"

 **Sarge:**  Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?

"Oh, because he ate them. They tasted like chicken." Ruby said,

"Are you sure Ruby doesn't have brain damage?" Blake whispered to Yang, who only shrugged.

 **Church:**  Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?

 **Sarge** : Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son.

 **Church:**  No way! The orange guy is your son?

"WHAT?!" Ruby, Yang and Blake exclaimed,

"Wait for it." Weiss simply said while holding up her hand.

 **Sarge:**  Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.

"There we go."

_Cut to Grif rising to his feet._

"Please be good news..." Ruby said quietly.

 **Grif:**  He's breathing! We saved Sarge!

"YES!" Ruby cheered, but the others were opposite, 'Fuck you, Grif.'

_Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

**Sarge:**  I'm what?

 **Church:**  He's what?

 **Sarge:**  Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.

 **Church:**  What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!

"Seriously?! He still cares even after he's dead?!" Blake exclaimed, "I have a feeling they are taking this 'Red vs Blue' thing way too seriously."

 **Sarge:**  Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella!  _(voice starts to fade away)_  Will I remember any of this?

 **Church:**  Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

_Sarge regains consciousness and stands up between Grif and Simmons in the real world, the wavy effect is no longer present._

**Sarge:**   _(clears throat)_  There. What... What happened here?

"He should've given Church the two bucks." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons:**  Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

 **Sarge:**  I always believed in you, Simmons.

 **Simmons:**  Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.

 **Sarge:**  Grif?

"Here it comes..." Ruby & Weiss said.

 **Simmons:**  Yes, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.

 **Grif:**   _(sighs)_  You're welcome, sir.

 **Sarge:**  I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? _)_  Rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-ag-es? ...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low.  _(long pause)_  ...oh yeah, shiatzu.

Weiss looked slightly smug.

"Fuck you, Weiss." Ruby muttered as she went to grab her wallet. While that was happening, Blake was holding onto the sides of her chair, thinking, 'This is not a yaoi scene, Blake. For God's sake, keep it together woman!' When she realised it was over, she quickly breathed a sigh of relief... until she felt something, 'I am so lucky my favourite is black.' (AN: Thank Iron-Mantis for the jokes) A quick trip to get some soda and Weiss grabbed the remote and pressed play while Ruby was grumbling about cheap heiresses.

**(A Slightly Crueler Cruller)**

_Donut stands on top of Red Base in pink armour._

"Hey, when did the Reds get a girl?" Ruby asked. Yang, Weiss and Blake were wondering too.

 **Donut:**  Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own colour armour!

"DONUT?!" They exclaimed, "Out of all the freaking colours, he chose  _Pink._ " Blake muttered. Though, he could just like the colour. But  _Pink?_  'Why did they have it as an opition?'

"I guess it makes sense. He might like Pink-Frosted Sprinkled  _Donuts_ " Yang said, only to be hit by a pumpkin,

"BOO! GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!"

_Grif and Simmons look at each other._

**Grif:**  Uh... hey, Donut?

 **Donut:**  What?

 **Simmons:**  Um, about your armour...

 **Donut:**  What about it?

 **Simmons:**  How do I put this... Your armour is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?

 **Grif:**  It's pink. Your armour is frickin' pink!

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, that's it. Pink.

 **Donut:**  Pink? My armour's not pink!

"What?" Weiss said in disbelief, "Is he colour blind?! No one is that stupid to say that is not pink."

 **Grif:**  PINK.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, definitely pink.

 **Donut:**  You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armour?

 **Grif:**  Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

 **Simmons:**   _(over Grif's laughter)_  Heh, that's not funny.

 **Grif:**   _(laughs a little more)_  It's a little funny.

 **Donut:**  Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh... a "lightish red".

 **Grif:**  Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

 **Donut:**  I hate you guys.

"Okay, why are they making fun of Donut's armour colour? Doesn't Nora wear Pink?" Ruby asked, confused,

"One, because he's a guy, and two, no one is stupid enough to go one-on-one with Nora." Yang replied,

"Well, I don't know about that one but I will admit I don't want to fight Nora... again." Ruby said, shivering at their friendly fight they had once, 'So. Many. Grenades.'

 **Sarge:**   _(running up the ramp with Lopez in tow)_  Well hello, dirt bags... and a fine hello to you, madam.

 **Donut:**  It's LIGHT red.

"Just give it up Donut, its pink." Weiss said,

"Well, if you mix red with white, it makes pink. And some people call white a tone rather than a real colour. So, in fact, it is a lightish-red." Ruby pointed out,

"Oh no way, Ruby Rose. That is definitely pink. It can be only called pink!" Weiss retorted as she stood up from her seat,

"No way, it's a lightish-red! Technically." Ruby yelled back as she got up from her chair, walked up to Weiss and glared at her,

"Pink."

"Lightish-red."

"PINK!"

"LIGHTISH-RED!"

"You want to go now?"

"Oh, you're on YOU PRICK!"

*Click!*

"Huh?" the arguing girls said at the same time as they heard the click. They looked down and saw handcuffs around their wrists. Ruby quickly realised what happened,

"YANG!" Ruby yelled out, running after the blonde while dragging the heiress, "I DIDN'T MEAN IT!"

"You  _what?!_ " Weiss exclaimed, before realising something, "Hey, where did you get the handcuffs?" All of them quickly stopped and automatically looked at Blake, who was blushing madly,

"I don't own those!" She said a little too quickly, causing the girls to look at each other and slowly sit back down, with Ruby sitting next to Weiss. (AN: That joke is the continuation of in Chapter 9)

 **Sarge:**  Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?

 **Donut:**  Yes sir.

"A package? For what?" Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Excellent.

 **Donut:**   _(holding up a mechanical unit)_  They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.

 **Grif:**  Speech unit?

"Maybe Lopez's microphone is broken or something." Blake theorised.

 **Donut:**   _(handing the unit over to Sarge)_  Here you go.

 **Sarge:**  Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offence, Simmons.

"Wait,  _built_?" Ruby exclaimed confused.

 **Simmons:**  Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

 **Grif:**  Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?

"LOPEZ IS A FUCKING ROBOT?!" The RWBYs yelled out,

"Of course we couldn't tell, everyone fucking look like robots." Weiss muttered. Yang, though, felt a bit creeped out now. All they needed now was Lopez to start speaking Spainish...

 **Simmons:**  Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

 **Grif:**  I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

"Us too." Ruby said, now feeling more confused as hell and questioning her own existence, 'Is Church really a gay robot? Am  _I_  a gay robot? Is Weiss a gay robot? Now that I think about it, is Ren a gay robot?!'

 **Sarge:**  And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

 **Grif:**  Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.

"What kind of fucking idiot see someone drinking motor oil to impress them?" Weiss rhetorically asked.

(Team JNPR)

"ACHOO!" Jaune sneezed, 'Huh, I wonder if someone's talking about me?'

(Team RWBY)

"Uh... I can think of one." Ruby muttered (AN: snake screamer, everybody!).

 **Simmons:**  Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

 **Sarge:**  How come?

 **Simmons:**  Because static could damage the card.

 **Sarge:**  Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets.  _(Grif and Simmons look at each other)_  And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!  _(he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jumps back)_  YOW!

"Oh! That did not look comfortable." Yang said.

 **Simmons:**  Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favourite Private.

 **Donut:**  It's not pink, it's lightish red!

"PINK!" Everyone screamed out...

"Lightish-red." Apart from 'you know who'.

"SHUT UP RUBY!"

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the Blue Base. Tucker's armour is clean, but Caboose's is still black._

**Caboose:**   _(panting)_  Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armour.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

"Great, an idiot with a short fuse." Blake mumbled,

 **Tucker:**  I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

"BURN!" Yang yelled out, only to be hit by a chilli pepper, "AH FUCK! IT GOT INTO MY EYES! RUBY!"

"Sorry Yang." Blake muttered as she paused the episode. After Yang quickly washed her eyes (now slightly blind temporarily), they resumed the episode.

 **Caboose:**  Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

_Cut to Donut._

**Donut:**  So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

 **Grif:**  Right. That was a grenade.

 **Donut:**  And the last thing I remember... is a loud bang... and then Simmons fainting...

This caused the team to laugh, "Oh my god, Simmons is such a pussy!" Blake said between laughs. After a few minutes, they continued.

 **Grif:**  Ha! Told you so!

 **Simmons:**  I did not faint.

 **Sarge:**  Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!

 **Lopez:**  Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres.

All of the girls gaped at the now Spanish-speaking robot, all remembering Yang's joke, "Okay, aside from the line guessing that is just plain spooky." Yang said, "Now all we need is a colour blind girl, a British guy (Fun Fact: Yang thinks British accents are sexy!), Donut being gay, a guy with one eye, Sarge actually doing something smart and some crazy dude out to kill all of them." Yang said, inadvertently just covering the entire series (AN: Props to Iron-Mantis again).

 **Donut:**   _(over the last five numbers)_  Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

"I can." Blake said. The RWBYs looked at her strangely, "What? I already fluently speak 7 different languages thanks to the White Fang."

 **Lopez:**  Me llamo es Lopez.

"And I can tell you that it's really bad."

 **Grif:**  Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

 **Sarge:**  Lopez, speak English.

 **Lopez:**  Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.

"Uh... translation?" Yang asked,

"Lopez said that his, it, whatever. The English part of the speech unit broke and now he can only speak Spanish." Blake translated,

"Thanks."

 **Simmons:**  Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

"Idiot." The RWBYs muttered.

 **Donut:**  Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.

"Give it up already." Weiss moaned.

 **Sarge:**  Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.

 **Lopez:**  Negativo.

 **Sarge:**  Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?

"Y-ES, IT-IS-CALLED-'FUCK-YOU-SARGE!" Yang said in Sarge's accent.

 **Grif:**  Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

"You can't listen slower." Weiss said, 'I've tried.'

 **Sarge:**  Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

 **Lopez:**   _(raising his gun)_  Sí señor. Gracias.

"So Lopez is like Simmons, except he's a Spanish robot." Ruby concluded, which the others nodded to.

_Fade to black._

**Grif:**  No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

 **Simmons:**  Alto means tall, you dumbass.

"In  _Italian._ " Blake added (AN: Which is correct. I take Italian classes.)

 **Grif:**  Then why do they put it on stop signs?

"I can't believe that I'm going to say this, but shut up Grif." Weiss muttered. The team took a few minutes to cool off before Yang played the next episode.

**(Points of Origin)**

_Tex, together with Church, Tucker, and Caboose, is standing outside Blue Base._

**Tex:**  As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

_Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to face Church._

**Church:**  I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

_Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to Tex._

**Tex:**  Because  _I_  didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

"Like an old married couple." Blake muttered.

_Caboose and Tucker turn back to Church._

**Church:**  You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favour.

_Caboose and Tucker turn to Tex._

**Tex:**  Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

 **Church:**  No, you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

"Great burn by Church of Blue Team! Tex from Team Freelancer, you have to really make up for that abysmal comeback!" Yang commentated, only to be shut up by duct tape.

 **Caboose:**  Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?

"And the kid always stuck in the middle." Weiss muttered, reminding her of her own parents.

 **Tex:**  What about you?

 **Caboose:**  We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!

"Caboose has a point, they did help Tex out of Red base." Ruby said, 'YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL, YOU BITCH!'

 **Tex:**  Well yeah, but...

 **Church:**  Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.

"Like I said."

 **Tex:**  I did help them get the flag back.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favour. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.

"Wow, the Blues might be the smartest team out of the canyon." Yang noted as she removed enough tape from her mouth to speak,

"Yang, there are only two teams." Weiss reminded Yang,

"And which team has a Spanish Robot that no one can understand?" This got Weiss to shut up, "I thought so."

 **Tex:**  Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?

 **Tucker:**  I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.

 **Tex:**  ...Okay.

 **Caboose:**  Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.

"HOLY SHIT, THEY'RE BRINGING BACK SHEILA! THERE'S GOOD IN THE WORLD! YES! YES! FUCKING YEAH BABY!" Yang cheered. While that was happening, the RWBYs were slowly shifting away from Yang, clearly embarrassed by Yang's love with the tank,

'Forget Ruby, I think Yang might have brain damage.'(AN: snake screamer, everybody!)

_Cut to Lopez._

**Lopez:**  Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más." Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado.

"Pussy Cat?" Yang asked. Blake only sighed,

"'Then decide which one of us weighs more, I weigh more. Then they put those of our bodies on the scale and was determined who had the greatest weight. After that the Heavy one you would call Lopez to me.'" Blake translated, "I think."

"But I though you knew how to speak Spanish." Ruby said,

"I said I  _speak_  Spanish fluently, doesn't mean I can translate well."

"B-But, huh?" Weiss said, not believing Blake can't even translate a language she can speak fluently. Hell, Weiss didn't even finish learning enough necessary English before she was forced to train 24/7, 'They said it aren't that hard to learn English.'

 **Grif:**  Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?

 **Simmons:**  What're you asking me for?

 **Grif:**  Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a Latino persuasion.

 **Simmons:**  Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish.

"I don't think Simmons is a Dutch-Irish name." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:**  But I thought-

 **Simmons:**  What?

 **Grif:**  Eh, never mind.

 **Donut:**  ...I'm from Iowa.

 **Grif and Simmons:**  Nobody cares!

"Seriously, all these places sound like the stupidest places to live." Yang muttered, only to be pelted with rock melons from out of nowhere, "OKAY THAT'S IT! RUBY!"

"Wh- OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YANG!?" Ruby exclaimed as she saw her beaten sister,

"WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THOSE FRUITS!?"

"Um... Yang, I never put rock melon in the basket." Ruby pointed out,

"Th-Then, where are-" Yang paused before saying, "I think there are people trying to kill me." Then she saw that the RWBYs weren't paying attention, so she gave up and went back to her seat. Then she felt something in her pocket. She pulled out a piece of paper and (written in blood,  _her blood_  specifically) said:

'Don't fuck with America. Especially Texas

-RT'

Yang shivered, taking note not to mess with this RT.

 _Cut to Tucker and Caboose sneaking up behind Sheila_.

 **Church:**  Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed ("YES!"). So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online.

 **Caboose:**  Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-

 _In the background, Tex flips Sheila back over_.

"Holy shit, Tex is strong." Yang said, "That, or the military has some really light tanks."

 **Caboose:**  Oh. She is a very strong lady.

 **Church:**  I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.

 **Caboose:**  Great, I'll come with you!

 **Church:**  That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.

 **Caboose:**  Okay. What if I'm really...  _(softer)_  really...  _(whispering)_  quiet?

"Then... you're... an idiot." Weiss whispered, which freaked Blake out a bit. It reminded her of a ghost talking.

 **Church:**  Do you even understand what the term "visibility" means?

 **Caboose:**  Ah hah hah, uhh... good one, Church.

 **Church:**  Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?

 **Caboose:**  Uh, no...

"I think Caboose might be the dumbest guy on the planet." Ruby muttered, 'And I thought he was smart.'

 **Church:**  Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.

 **Tucker:**  Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement.

 _Tucker runs up to Tex who is welding on the tank_.

 **Tucker:**  So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.

 **Tex:**   _(stops to face Tucker)_  I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.

"Basically every merc's motto." Blake muttered, remembering the mercs the White Fang hired. Let's just say they won't ever touch Blake again.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, but you like it.

 **Tex:**  Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

 **Tucker:**  So let's say I payed you to kill Caboose.  _(looks at Caboose)_  You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

 **Tex:**  Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

"Wow, Tex must really like money." Yang said. Blake was angry that Tex would turn on her own team, her own employers, just for a couple more dollars.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

_Church is up on the ledge where he was killed._

**Church:**  Hey, Tucker!

 **Tucker:**  What?!

 **Church:**  What the hell is my body still doing up here?

 **Tucker:**  That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.

"Translation: We're too fucking lazy." Ruby said.

 **Church:**  Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?

 **Tucker:**  Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?

"You can dig with your hands." Blake said, remembering the Dog Fauna.

 **Church:**  Well then how about shipping me back home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.

The girls face palmed, realizing that Church just gave Tucker the perfect ammo to use against him (though Weiss got flung off her chair thanks to Ruby using her handcuffed arm) (AN: Again, Iron-Mantis! Wow, you make a lot of jokes.)

 **Tucker:**  Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?

_Tex turns around and starts working on the tank again_

_._

**Tucker:**  That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!

"I think that was Church's  _only_  loved one and she doesn't love him." Yang said. The RWBYs were now 2 episodes away from the finale, "Alright girls, ready for the next one?" The nodded as Blake picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(SPF 0)**

_Church, Caboose and Tucker are standing over Church's body._

"Seriously, even the dumbest idiot will bury someone!" Weiss complained, disgusted by the Blues lack of respect.

 **Church:**  I am not happy about this.

 **Caboose:**  I have an idea. ...I HAVE AN IDEA!

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you.

 **Caboose:**  Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?

"Uh... that's basically making Church a zombie." Yang pointed out, in which Weiss responded in saying,

"Nope, he would be living in his dead body, unable to move, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

 **Church:**  Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body.

"Ah fuck!"

 **Caboose:**  Yes.

 **Church:**  Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.

"It's official. Church is the Weiss of Red vs Blue, those who agree say 'Aye'!" Ruby said. Yang and Blake said 'Aye' while Weiss was shaking in anger, "It's okay, Weiss. At least you're not exactly like Church."

"Well..." Weiss thought for a second before saying, "Then you're Caboose!"

"I am not Caboose. And even if I am, then... Blake is Tex! Am I wrong, Blake?"

"You know," Blake said, "I actually wouldn't mind being compared to Tex. And the added fact that Tex is the only girl is a good bonus."

"Well, uh... Yang is... uh, Sarge?"

"Ruby, just give it up." Yang said, before saying, "And if you compare me to Sarge again, you'll be waking up in the infirmary, 3 weeks from now and with every bone broken." This shut Ruby up.

 **Caboose:**  Yes.

 **Church:**  Okay, Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.

 **Caboose:**  I think you are a mean ghost.

'Every ghost is mean.' Blake thought, 'Never again will I play Beyond: Two Souls.'

 **Tucker:**  Dude, you really stink.

 **Church:**  What?

 **Tucker:**  Your body, it stinks.

"Is Tucker suggesting that they should wash Church's body?" Ruby said, but didn't get a response due to the fact (In the wise words of Grif) 'That is fucking gross.'

 **Church:**  Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

 **Tucker:**  Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

 **Church:**  It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN HIT A BOULDER 5 FEET IN FRONT OF YOU!" Ruby exclaimed, the others had to agree that Church is now in the running for Worse Sniper Ever. Of all time.

 **Tucker:**  Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

 **Caboose:**  Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?

"Oh god." Weiss said as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Church:**   _(as a sigh)_  Nuh, God.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons on the Red Base_.

 **Grif:**  Okay, I'll go again. I spy something.. that begins with...

 **Simmons:**  Dirt.

 **Grif:**  Damn! How did you-

 **Simmons:**  Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt.

"At least Simmons knows what the situation he's in." Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, this canyon sucks.

"What canyon doesn't suck?" Yang muttered, "They are just over-sized holes waiting to be filled." Suddenly, at the back of her mind, she heard someone say 'Bow Chicka Bow Wow' while thunder stormed outside the window, 'Um... wasn't it sunny a second ago? Did I piss off RT again?!'

_Cut to Tucker and Church watching Tex fix the tank from the cliff's edge. Caboose is behind Tucker looking through the sniper rifle._

**Church:**  How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?

 **Tucker:**  Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.

 **Church:**   _(sarcastic)_  Oh, that's just fantastic.

 **Tucker:**  Why would that upset you?

"Because he doesn't want her to leave, so he can prepose." Ruby said dreamily. Weiss had to face palm, which cause Ruby to fall off her chair,

"Ow."

 **Church:**  Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die.

"But isn't that a good thing? The Blues win, woo hoo. Go and fucking celebrate." Weiss said,

 **Tucker:**  The Reds dying is a good thing.

"Shut up before I do things I won't regret." Weiss said quickly before any of them could make their comments.

 **Church:**  No, Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.

"Oh right, Tex has that thing in her head. And he said it was aggressive so it might be affecting Tex in some way." Blake said, realising what damage it could cause if this A.I got loose.

 **Caboose:**  A.I. ...

 **Church:**  Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...

 **Tucker:**  If she leaves you won't ever find her again.

 **Church:**  Right.

"Aw..." Yang said, "It might be the last time Church might ever see Tex."

 **Tucker:**  So what're you gonna do?

 **Church:**  I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank.

 **Tucker:**  You're switching sides?

 **Church:**  Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice.

"Wah! Church is such a great lover, going so far to help Tex even though he knows it'll be a Pyrrhic Victory. I-I think I'm going to cry." Ruby sobbed,

"I think Ruby's obsession with Church/Tex is almost as creepy as Yang's obsession with Sheila." Weiss whispered to Blake,

"'Almost'?" Blake asked (AN: Joke by snake screamer).

 **Caboose:**  Church, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here... to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us..?

 **Church:**  I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck, guys.

_Church fades away._

**Caboose:**  Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?

"Well, sorta expected that." Yang said.

 **Tucker:**  I tell you what: kill me. I promise not to come back.

"But you will Tucker." Ruby said, with her team mates still questioning if Ruby was really in ultimate sugar rush mode, or that she has brain damage.

 **Caboose:**  Hey! LOOK AT THIS.  _(focusing on Donut)_

 **Tucker:**  No.

 **Caboose:**  They have A GIRL. They have a girl!

They couldn't really blame Caboose. Everyone looked pretty much the same to them apart from the armour colour.

 **Tucker:**  A what?

 **Caboose:**  A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armour!

 **Tucker:**  Oh man, how come they get a girl?

 **Tex:**   _(from below them)_  Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl.

 **Tex** (& Blake) **:**  And what the hell does that mean?

"Ha HA! Knew it!" Ruby cheered,

"Then that means Caboose is the Ruby in Red vs Blue." Weiss pointed out,

"SHUT UP, WEISS. LET ME ENJOY THE MOMENT!"

 **Caboose and Tucker:**   _(backing up from the edge of cliff, out of Tex's sight)_  Nothing!

 **Tucker:**  Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?

 **Caboose:**  I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.

"Oh god..." The RWBYs groaned, knowing what Caboose was going to do.

_Caboose steps back up to the edge, looking down at Tex_

**Caboose:**  Hey...! Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?

Cue multi-face palm and attempted head-floor.

 _Tex turns back to the tank then Caboose backs up to join Tucker_.

 **Caboose:**  I don't think she knows ...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?

"I know!" Yang said, "Caboose is thinking about absolutely nothing!" The others just nodded and started to get ready, "Alright, this is the last episode."

"Yep. So, any of you have any thoughts about the series so far?" Ruby asked. Her team mates just looked at each other and said,

"Stupid."

"Idiotic."

"Fucked up in more ways than one."

"Okay then." Ruby muttered as she settled down, "Alright, it's time for a finale." Ruby said as she picked up the remote and pressed play for the final time... for Season 1.

**(Last One Out, Hit the Lights)**

_Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing atop Red Base. Lopez is visible in the background._

**Simmons:**  Hey.

 **Grif:**  Yeah?

 **Simmons:**  You ever wonder why we're here?

"Whoa." Yang said, "Is anyone else having Deja Vu?"

"This is a call back to the first episode, of course you're supposed to have deja vu." Blake explained, "How little they've come so far."

 **Grif:**  No. I never, ever, wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.

_Church possesses Lopez._

"Wait, is Church possessing a  _robot_?" Ruby asked, "I thought it only worked for people."

"Pussy Cat?" Yang asked with an eyebrow raised,

"W-W-Well, ha-have y-y-you ever he-heard of a gh-ghost in a machine?" Blake stuttered,

"Yeah..."

"Sort of li-like that."

 **Lopez:**  Keegakergerk!

 **Simmons:**  What? What's wrong with Lopez?

_They turn to look at him._

**Grif:**  I don't care.

 **Simmons:**  Hey, Lopez, uh.. you okay, man?

 **Church as Lopez:**  Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso...

 **Caption:** Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...

"Oh, so now they have captions!" Weiss said, "Now we don't need Blake to translate." Though, Blake didn't admit that she kinda liked translating, she felt like she was someone important. Like she ever did in the real world.

 **Church:**  ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!

 **Caption:**  What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!

 **Simmons:**  Um... Sure...

 **Church:**  ¡No, no, escucha mé! ¡La bruja teva a matar! ¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!

 **Caption:**  No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!

"And that's what you get for building a Spanish Robot." Ruby said.

 _Cut to Tucker overlooking Tex who is still working on the tank_.

 **Tucker:**  Aw, crap. Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila ("YES!" "Um... Yang, that's a bad thing"). I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.

 **Caboose:**  Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please! Tuck-

"Caboose sounds like an over eager kid who wants to mow a football stadium." Weiss muttered, remembering every intern she's met.

 **Tucker:**  Yes, you can be the one who radios Church.

 **Caboose:**  Thanks, man. ( _turns on radio_ ) Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.

"Huh?" Ruby said, "Did he just say O'Malley?"

"Maybe it's Caboose's last name?" Blake said, but she was unsure herself. Something was definitely up and the team knew it.

 **Tucker:**  O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose.

 **Caboose:**  I never said that, you guys did!

 **Tucker:**  Why didn't you correct us?

 **Caboose:**  Because I didn't want to be difficult ("He didn't want to be difficult?" (Weiss) ). ( _turns on radio... again_ ) Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armour vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. ( _clears throat_ ) How is your progression?

"Um... why does Caboose sound professional? I don't think I ever heard Caboose talk like that." Yang noted,

"And wait, did he just say 'Private'? As in, the whole Blue Team are just Privates?" Weiss added. The RWBYs had one thought,

'The Reds & Blues are fucked.'

 **Church:**  ( _over radio_ ) ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español!

 **Caption:** Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!

 **Caboose:**  ... (turns to Tucker) ...He says he wants to talk to you.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:**  Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

"YES! YES! I CAN DIE NOW!" Yang yelled out, until she saw Ruby's sad face, "Figuratively, Ruby! Figuratively!"

 **Tucker:**  Oh shit. We got trouble.

_Cut back to Church (as Lopez) talking to Grif and Simmons._

**Church:**  Un tanque... grrrande!

"I'm pretty sure it doesn't work the other way around." Blake said.

 **Grif:**  Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.

"He's a robot, he can't! And he isn't even Spanish!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sheila:**  ( _from a distance_ ) Target locked.

 **Simmons:**  What country? We're on an alien planet.

 **Grif:**  What're you, a communist?

"I don't think they exist on an alien planet." Ruby muttered.

 _Sheila fires and hits the side of the Red Base_.

Ruby: AH! SON OF A BITCH!

Weiss: SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!

Blake: OH MY GOD, ¡MADRE DE DIOS!

Yang: YES! DESTROY THEM! (Insert evil laugh here)

"IT'S STILL A BAD THING YANG!" Ruby yelled out.

 **Grif:**  Son of a bitch!

 **Simmons:**  Son of a bitch!

 **Church:**  ¡MADRE DE DIOS!

 **Caption:**  SON OF A BITCH!

 _Cut to Tucker talking to Caboose as he looks through the sniper rifle. Sheila can be heard firing in the background_.

 **Tucker:**  Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle.

 **Caboose:**  Church is getting mad at us.

"When is he isn't?" Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.

 _Cut to Sarge getting in the Warthog and driving it_.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog ("Don't. Say. It."). Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.

 **Simmons:**  Roger that.

_Sheila fires._

**Grif:**  I'll uh... I'll stay here.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's  _vital_  to our success.

"I think Simmons is being a bit of a dick." Yang said, unintentionally making a pun. She got hit by an apple, "OH, COME ON!"

"Sorry, I had a feeling that was a pun." Ruby apologized.

 _Sarge skids near the base, Simmons hops on, and they take off_.

 **Simmons:**  Alright, I'm on board.

 **Sarge:**  Alright, here's the plan-

_Sheila fires and hits the rear passenger tire, blowing up the jeep and launching Sarge and Simmons._

**Sarge:**  JUNEBUG!

"Okay, now  _he's_  making up animals." Blake said.

_Cut to Grif watching Sarge and Simmons come up the ramp._

**Grif:**  Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

 **Sarge:**  If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

"Best plan ever." Weiss said sarcastically,

"Of all time." The others added in.

 **Grif:**  ( _kneeling down next to Simmons_ ) Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way... The ramp is secure.

_Cut to Sheila._

**Sheila:**  Target locked. ( _fires_ )

_Cut to the Reds. Donut emerges from inside the base._

**Donut:**  Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?!

"Doesn't he notice the  _tank firing at the base?!_ " Weiss exclaimed while rubbing her head, 'And... There's the migraine.'

 **Grif:**  That chick in the black armour's back!

 **Donut:**  What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?

"I think he might have anger issues." Yang said.

 **Simmons:**  That's the one.

 **Donut:**  The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armour?

"For the love of god, it's fucking pink!" Blake exclaimed, surprising the others.

 **Grif:**  Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude... It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.

 **Donut:**  Ohho..! Oh, I been waiting for this. ( _runs up to the edge of the base and yells_ ) Hey, bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!

"What is he going to do? Shoot the tank?" Weiss said sarcastically.

 _Donut throws a grenade. Grif and Simmons are shown following its arc, then Church, then finally Tucker and Caboose_.

"Oh my god." Ruby said quietly as she was staring at the grenade,

"I think Donut will be filling in for Nora in Red vs Blue." Weiss muttered, remembering her love of grenades and pink. Also the fact that you should never piss off Nora.

Ever.

"And it's still going." Blake said, amazed at how far Donut can throw,

"I think that went across the entire canyon." Yang said, "I don't think I can even do that."

 **Tucker:**  Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

 _The grenade lands right on Tex's chest inside the tank_.

 **Tex:**  Aw, CRAP!

Ruby was now conflicted. She still wanted Tex to die, but she  _really_  wanted to win the bet, 'Plus, ghost can't get married.'

 _Cut to Donut at the edge of the Red Base_.

 **Donut:**   _(yells, voice echoing)_  Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore!

"Okay, I gotta admit that was fucking awesome." Blake, surprisingly, admitted.

_The grenade explodes._

The girls quickly braced themselves for the inevitable Ruby freak out, when they realised nothing happened. What they did see was a crying, but strangely cheering Ruby. She also had a Donut-Pink cloak on, "I don't know if I should be worried that Ruby is going back to her white cloak or happy that she isn't." Yang said. After Ruby calmed down, she said something that would be either life-changing or just plain wrong,

"I have to kiss Weiss." The other's eyes widened before Blake said,

"Let's just say the bet never existed until after this episode is over." The RWBYs quickly agreed and went back to watching. This was going to be an interesting story to tell her father,

'So lucky that he forgave Blake. The White Fang, not so much.'

 **Church:**  ¡Dios mío, no! ( _runs out of the base toward Tex_ ) ¡Tejas, Tejas!

 **Grif:**  Uh, where's Lopez going?

 **Sarge:** To fight the enemy head on in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.

"I think Church just took Lopez." Weiss said,

"And now Church has a body now." Blake pointed out, 'He's going to kick Caboose's ass. If he can even hit him.'

 **Simmons:**  Shouldn't we help him?

 **Sarge:**  Naw... That would just ruin the moment.

_Cut to Church over Tex's body._

**Tex:**  Church, is that you? It-It's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...

"Her A.I is gone. This could be bad." Blake muttered.

 _Cut to Tucker and Caboose on the ledge_.  _Tucker is watching the proceedings while Caboose is facing the cliff._

 **Tucker:**  Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, let's get back to base.

 **Caboose:**  I told you, my name isn't Caboose... ("What is he talking about?" (Ruby) )  _(turns around and speaks_   _in a deep voice_ ) My name... is... _O'Malley_...!

"Oh shit." Yang said quietly,

"Do you think?" Weiss asked,

"Yes." Blake nodded,

"O'Malley is Tex's A.I." Ruby realised, "Meaning that..."

"It can take over anyone in the canyon." Yang realised in horror. The RWBYs had only one thought now,

'The Reds & Blues are fucked.'

* * *

The RWBYs were still processing Season 1 and everything that happened before Yang got up and picked up the DVD case to put the season back in. Then Yang noticed something, "What the hell is a 'Machinima'?" She asked, "Pussy Cat?"

"Um... actually, I don't know." The cat girl admitted,

"We can always check the internet." Weiss suggested, though she was actually buying time so she doesn't have to kiss Ruby,

"Okay! TO THE COMPUTER LAB!" The Red-Cloaked Leader yelled out as she flashed out of the room, leaving rose petals everywhere,

"Ugh, does Ruby know that someone has to clean all of these up, right?" Weiss asked the others,

"Why do you think the janitor quit?" Yang said as she went out the door. Blake & Weiss just sighed and followed the hyperactive sisters' trail of 'awesomeness' (that's what they call it).

(Computer Lab)

"Hurry up, Blake!"

"Ruby, the page still has to load. Be patient." Blake said. Though, it's already been 5 minutes, Wikipedia should've loaded by now. When it did, the Team gathered around the computer and read the description (AN: This is straight from Wikipedia)

' **Machinima**  is the use of real-time computer graphics engines to create a cinematic production. Most often,video games are used to generate the computer animation. Machinima-based artists, sometimes called  **machinimists**  or  **machinimators** , are often fan laborers, by virtue of their re-use of copyrighted materials (see below). Machinima offers to provide an archive of gaming performance and access to the look and feel of software and hardware that may already have become unavailable or even obsolete; for game studies, "machinima's gestures grant access to gaming's historical conditions of possibility and how machinima offers links to a comparative horizon that informs, changes, and fully participates in videogame culture.'

"Uh... what?" Yang asked confused. Blake just sighed,

"They use video games to make movies. And Red vs Blue is made from a game." She explained. She scrolled down the page and found the words 'Red vs Blue: Blood Gulch Chronicles' and 'Halo', "See, right there! It says here that Red vs Blue is mainly filmed in a game franchise called Halo."

"Well, let's see what it is." Ruby said as she clicked the link for Halo: Combat Evolved. She just stared at the amount of words and story in this, "Um... Blake, I think I can read this, but my brain might be a bit goopy after."

*Sigh* "We may as well see the RvB: BGC page." Weiss said as she went back and clicked the link, she scrolled down the page and read something, "It says here that they have a trailer that sort of explains the story of Halo."

"Well, we'll watch that! It's a lot quicker than reading." Yang said,

"You just don't want to do homework."

"You know me too well, Pussy Cat." Blake just rubbed her temples and clicked the video link. When the page loaded (which was on YouTube), she pressed play.

**(Red vs Blue: 1st Trailer!)**

**Narrator:** In the year 2552,

 **Caption:** In the year 2552,

"Wow, that far in the future? It's only 2013 now." Ruby said,

"It is a Sci-Fi, Ruby." Blake responded, 'But the Narrator sounds familiar.'

 **Narrator:** in the last year of the Covenant invasion of the outer planets,

 **Caption:** in the last year of the Covenant invasion of the outer planets,

"'Covenant'? Sounds... fitting." Weiss muttered.

 **Narrator:** a hero arose, a cyborg known only by the name Master Chief.

 **Caption:** a hero arose, a cyborg known only by the name Master Chief.

"Oh... that's who Master Chef is." Ruby said,

"It's Master  _Chief._ " Yang corrected, "And he's a cyborg. Cool."

 **Narrator:** He led the Covenant to the edge of space,

 **Caption:** He led the Covenant to the edge of space,

 **Narrator:** to a ring world, called Halo.

 **Caption:** to a ring world called Halo.

"Named after the game." Blake muttered, "But a ring-shaped plant doesn't seem possible."

"So does ripping out someone's skull and beat them to death with it." Yang said,

"Good point."

 **Narrator:** It was on Halo that Master Chief learned the grand plan of the Covenant armada.

 **Caption:** It was on Halo that Master Chief learned the grand plan of the Covenant armada.

 **Narrator:** To destroy humanity and its home world... Earth.

 **Caption:** To destroy humanity and its home world... Earth.

"'Earth'? As in rocks? Sounds du-uh... smart." Yang quickly said,

"Um... but humanity started at Vytal." Ruby pointed out,

"Just go with it." Blake said, remembering all the Sci-Fi stories she read.

 **Narrator:** Using the defences of Halo, he destroyed the ring world, and the Covenant armada along with it.

 **Caption:** He destroyed the ring world, and the armada along with it.

"Okay, that's weird. The caption didn't follow what he said exactly." Ruby noticed. The others groaned, having a feeling that the caption has a mind of its own.

 **Narrator:** The invasion was over. Unknown to the people of earth, the Covenant were planning to return.

 **Caption:** But it's hard to keep a good alien down.

 **Narrator:** But in the time between the first and second Covenant invasion, there was a brief, but violent period of civil war among the humans.

 **Caption:** In the meantime, some guys got all pissed off.

"Okay, now it's not even attempting to follow what this guy says." Weiss muttered.

 **Narrator:** Man fighting man... Red vs. Blue.

 **Caption:** And totally started wailing on each other.

"Seriously, the whole capture the flag thing is a civil war? I'm actually surprised." Blake admitted.

 **Narrator:** This is the story of th-

 **Caption:** What a bunch of dicks.

 **Narrator:** What is that? What are you doing?

"Oh my god, that's Church." Ruby pointed out, "I know that angry voice anywhere."

"Well, this is definitely breaking the forth wall." Weiss said.

 **Caption:** I'm paraphrasing. This intro is too long.

"It wasn't that long." Yang said, "Kinda boring though."

 **Narrator:** Paraph- well don't paraphrase, don't- look, I will read what's in the script, and you type whatever I say. Okay? So just type whatever I say.

 **Caption:** Just type whatever I say.

 **Narrator:** No, don't type everything I say; just type wh- it's in the damn t- t- m-

 **Caption:** No! Not eveyrthing... just guh, guh, der, duh, duh...

"I can't believe he's fucking arguing with  _words_ , and  _losing_." Blake muttered in disbelief, 'So much for learning about Halo.'

 **Narrator:**...that's not funny.

 **Caption:** You're such a cock bite.

Team RWBY had to snicker a bit.

 **Narrator:** Alright, now that, okay that's gotta, that, take that off, because that is, fir- number one that's offensive, and secondly... I am not a cock bite. Seriously! I, I am not a cock bite, that is rude. ...just put up the fucking logo. Just put up the logo.

_Logo fades in_

**Narrator:** Assholes.

 **Caption:** cock bite.

The girls groaned, "Well, that was informative." Yang said sarcastically,

"At least we know stuff at least." Weiss said.

 **Grif:** Huh. What'd you think about that?

 **Simmons:** Yeah, I think somebody owes me the last two minutes of my life back.

"I want more than time, I WANT MY MONEY BACK!" Ruby yelled out. The other face palmed and groaned.

This was going to be a long summer.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	12. JNPR-On Your Knees! Please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes, songs and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

After the "detailed" explanation of the Halo universe, Team RWBY decided to do something they already regretted. Something that would make them hate everything about Halo and all around it. They want to, but it was for the good of the story of Red vs Blue.

Homework.

"Stupid Blake," Yang muttered as she read the story of Halo 2 on the wiki. She was about 1/10th of the way done, '"Oh, we should all study on Halo so we can expect more from Red vs Blue" she said, "Help us understand the universe." Well, fuck you Pussy Cat! *Mental Sigh* Only she can make video games boring.' Yang thought angrily. She was getting bored so she turned on her phone and started looking up other stuff on the internet. When she didn't get a connection, she started using her Mobile Data to connect. It was a few hours before Yang realised something, "Wait, FUCK! I FORGOT THIS WAS A PHONE!" Yang yelled out,

"Yang, what is it?" Ruby asked, she was in the middle of reading about every weapon in Halo,

"Shut up Ruby! Must... call... for help." Ruby's eyes widened at what Yang just said,

"YOU CAN CALL SOMEONE?!"

"Ruby, what is it?" Weiss asked as she approached the two. She was watching some gameplay videos before she was interrupted,

"Yang can call someone to get us out of Beacon." Ruby quickly explained,

"WHAT?! HURRY UP YANG!" Weiss ordered the blonde,

"Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to find my contacts!" Yang responded, regretting downloading a lot of apps, 'HOW MANY FUCKING ANGRY BIRDS ARE THERE?!' By this time, Blake already heard what Yang said was eager to leave. She even thought homework was boring. It wasn't that exciting reading about cybernetically enhanced super soldiers. When Yang found her contacts list, she tapped on the first name she saw.

(Team JNPR)

You got blood on your face

Looks like you're a total disgrace

You came here to take me down

But I only see one of us on the ground

Like a dog with a bone

I wont stop 'till you buried and your tombstone

Reads "here lies a soul

Who should have fucked with someone that wasn't so cold!"

That was the ring tone of Nora Valkyrie's phone, which she happily answered, "Hi, this Nora Valkyrie from Team JNPR, wow that still sounds so awesome! What would you like to talk about? Maybe about my team, or maybe about my best friend but secret crush Lie Ren. Oops, did I just say that?! Please don't tell him! Anyway, why are you calling me in the middle of the night? Can't you sleep? Well, I'll help ya! I can sing really well, but I prefer to be a back up singer, because I don't want to steal the spotlight. I know songs like Baa Baa Black Sheep, that song about that cow that jumps over the moon, which of course is physically impossible to do. Though, I have seen people rip out Grimm's skull and beat them to death with it. I actually tried it! It's really hard but if you press your thumb in the jugular, pinky in the Adam's apple, I don't know why they call it that. Maybe it's because the guy who found it was name Adam, and was choking on his apple! Maybe that's the reason. Do you like apples? Because I do. They're really big and round. Or was that an orange? Orange like my hair! My hair is pretty. I use 'Gavin's Patented Headlight Fluid' to keep it clean. It's so good for your hair and brightens your car lights at the same time. Did you know about that? And did you know that there's something called 'Mavin's Patented Elbow Grease'? Really does wonders to your muscles. Maybe Yang should try it. With those noodle arms, you'd expect her be extremely weak and  _really_ dumb. You know what they say, 'All blondes are dumb!' At least that what my dad says..."

"NORA!"

"Huh? OH, Yang! How's life going for you?" There was some rustling before Nora heard Ruby,

"Hi Nora! Yang had to do something so I'm taking over for her." An 'I'M GOING TO KILL THAT BITCH!' and 'TEACH ME!' could be heard in the background, as well as a chain of curses by other people,

"Ruby! How life going? Do you want to see Magnhild again? I already sent photos to you so you can mastu-"

"Nora, please don't say anything about that." Ruby said in a quiet tone, "No one needs to know."

"Okay, I won't tell anyone that you masturbate to pictures of weapons." A big fat 'WHAT?!' could be heard in the background of both the phone and Nora's. It will be described soon,

"Wh-WHAT?! YOU THINK I, I SAID MASTER!  _MASTER!_ THEN I SAID HI TO NATE!" Ruby yelled out,

"Oh, I'm sorry Ruby. Anyway, why did Yang call me?"

"Oh shit! Right. Me, Weiss, Blake and Yang are tr-" Suddenly the connection was severed. Nora looked and saw that she was out of minutes,

"Aw man. I guess we have to walk now." Nora muttered as she walked to Pyrrha's car. Or what's left of it. You see, each team had it's own motto. Team RWBY has 'Never wait for your day to come, make it come.' Or Team CRDL with 'The brightest light comes from the strongest weapon.' That sort of thing. What was Team JNPR's motto?

Never let Nora Valkyrie drive. Ever. We're serious, never let her drive unless you want to die.

And guess who drove Pyrrha's car, the owner of the car being asleep, into a chestnut tree in the middle of the fucking desert.

*BOOM* *EXPLOSIONS* *FIRE*

You can probably tell.

Everyone was safe. Well apart from Jaune, who was having a nice wedgy on a high branch. Yes, he may be a better leader and even a better fighter, but he's still Jaune Arc. It doesn't help that his parents based his name off a girl. Ren & Pyrrha were trying to get Jaune down, with Pyrrha on Ren's shoulders. When they did, Jaune, who was listening to his Scroll, was asleep as they took 5 hours to get him down. Though, Jaune's song selection was unique. He used to have 5 songs, now he had hundreds. What made them special?

They were all Red vs Blue songs.

Trocadero, Jeff Williams, you name it, he it. He just saw the cover and downloaded the entire soundtrack from Season 1 to Season 10. He admitted that they were good, but from the Season 8 soundtrack and beyond that he would really liking it. He even laughed at some of them, though in no way in hell he would let the girls listen to 'Bow Chicka Wow Wow Wow' for obvious reasons. Anyway, when he woke up he saw Pyrrha's face,

"Angel." He said without thinking, causing the Amazon-like girl to blush, "Huh? Wha-What happened? Why aren't we in the car?" Jaune asked as his head cleared and stood up,

"Well, Little Miss Crashy decided to drive into a chestnut tree." Ren answered,

"Um... but I don't see it." Jaune pointed out,

"Because we've been walking all night." Pyrrha answered. Jaune noticed that they were in the middle of nowhere and the others had sat down to take a break, "I had to carry you for miles."

"Sorry." Jaune said while rubbing the back of his head. He also noticed that Nora was 'asleep'. Though, he knew that Nora was faking it. He did it all the time. Lying  _was_  his greatest skill, "Anyway, we should get moving before the sun gets to its highest point." Jaune pointed towards the sun. It was about dawn now and things were starting to warm up a bit. Pyrrha and Ren nodded, with Ren putting Nora onto his back. No one apart from Jaune noticed Nora's smile.

(A few hours later)

"I'm starting to regret wearing my armour in the middle of the desert." Pyrrha muttered as she fanned her with her Shield. The sun was now at its highest and saying it was hot would be a horrible understatement. Nora eventually woke up (as in getting bored) and started talking to Ren, who was blocking her out thanks to year hanging out with the girl. It looked like they were going to die, as they haven't even seen a single sign of human life... apart from the human skeleton a few miles back. That really hurt their morale. They were about to give up as the heat really start to get to them, "I must hallucinating because I can see a truck with water in it."

"Pyrrha, I see it too." Ren said,

"A truck." Jaune said excitingly, "HEY! YOU! HELP! SOS! ALL THAT SHIT! HELP US!" Jaune yelled out as he started waving his arms like an idiot. Thankfully, it worked and the truck stopped,

"Yes! We're saved!" Nora cheered, "Thank you, mister..."

"Tex." A feminine voice answered from the shadows, before leaning out to reveal a woman with red hair and green eyes, "People call me Tex." She said as she stepped out, revealing that she was wearing a black T-Shirt and Jeans, "So, whadda all doing out here? It;s scorching hot."

"Our car crashed into a tree." Ren answered,

"Oh, you mean Crasher's Dream, right? So many horrible drivers seem to always crash into that specific tree from some reason and if they have passengers, one always gets a wedgy." Tex said, "Who got one?" Jaune slowly raised his hand up, "I'm actually not surprised."

"What does that supposed to mean?!" Jaune & Pyrrha exclaimed. Jaune looked at Pyrrha, who looked away,

"Just hop on, I'll give you a lift. But only if you do me a favour." Tex said,

"Fine." Pyrrha said automatically as she got on to the passenger's seat. Jaune, Ren and Nora got the back of the pick-up. But lucky for them, Tex let them drink some of the water. While Pyrrha was talking to Tex and Nora to Ren, Jaune fell asleep again, with his Scroll still playing songs.

(Hours Later...)

Jaune...

Jaune...!

"JAUNE!" Nora yelled into the Arc's ear, "Hurry up and get off. We have to do something for Tex."

"Oh right, the favour." Jaune muttered tiredly, having already gotten used to Nora's yelling, "What is it?" This caused Nora to grin brightly,

"We have to sing."

"HUH?!" Jaune exclaimed as he fell out of the truck, "WHY?!"

"We kinda owe her now, so now we have to write a song all about her and perform it in front of the whole town."

"WHAT?! Wait, what if we don't?"

"Well, she did steal all our weapons and we kinda need them back." Jaune quickly looked down and saw his sword and shield/sheath was gone,

"When did that happen?" Jaune asked in disbelief,

"We were riding all night and we fell asleep. She must've took them by then." Nora explained. Jaune just sighed,

"Where are the others?"

"In that barn over there." Nora answered as she pointed to the barn. Jaune nodded and they started walking towards the barn,

'We don't know how to write a song!' Jaune thought, 'Well, maybe we can use a song that already exists. Ugh, but there are no songs ab-' He cut off his train of thought as his Scroll started playing a song, 'I know the lyrics of this one. Actually, now that I think about it, I know all of them. And this is perfect.' Jaune said with a smirk on his face.

They'll definitely bring her to her knees with this.

(1 week of practice later)

"Alright, this is it." Jaune muttered as he looked up to the stage, 'Okay, Pyrrha's on first guitar, Ren's second, Nora's on drums and I'll be mainly singing and playing the bass.' Jaune thought as he faced his team, "You guys ready?"

"Yes." Pyrrha said, she missed the weight of her Spear/Sword/Rifle,

"Ready." Ren said as well,

"LET'S DO THIS!" Nora yelled out as she raised her arms,

"Alright, here we go!" Jaune said as they walked up on stage. They were met by a roar of cheers. Jaune walked up to the microphone and nervously said, "W-We are JNPR." This caused another roar of cheers, giving Jaune more confidence, "And get ready to get on your knees! Nora!" Nora nodded and started the song.

 **Jaune** : Bitch in black hard as stone

Need no friends work alone

3 on 1 but they shoulda sent 4

Every time you stand up your back on the floor

A punch in the balls and a kick to the head

Get it on boys or you're gonna get dead

Think ya got skills but you're sinking like a stone

Next time fuckers you should just stay home!

You can screw Nevada

Mess with Maine

Leave Hawaii in a puddle of pain

You can beat Virginia till she's down on the floor

 **JNPR:** But if you fuck with Tex you'll be on your knees for sure

Motherfucker...

 **Jaune:** "Advantage: Texas"-got that right

Bet you boys sleep well tonight

Lick those wounds, nurse those sores

Name reserved and that's who for

You got 9 lives, she's got 10

After that she'll ride again

Bit of a badass anyone can tell

That crazy bitch is hell's angel...!

Oklahoma beat down

Pennsylvania dead and drown

Minnesota castigate

Massachusetts flagellate

Bitch slap Tennessee

D.C dead see?

Utah is a fucking mess

Oregon in great duress

Maryland is on her knees

Louisiana? Bitch...please.

Mississippi worst day ever

North Dakota not much better

Missouri in a stranglehold

Montana's corpse is getting cold

Bleeding time for old Kentucky

Indiana not so lucky

Vermont could use a four leaf clover

New Jersey it is almost over

Pick up Delaware and slam her

Call the meds for Alabama

Michigan has been destroyed

Ditto that for Illinois

New Hampshire should have brought a friend

West Virginia's at her end

 **Pyrrha:** Colorado crash and burn

Kansas point of no return

 **Ren:** Georgia's underneath a bus

California's really fucked

 **Nora:** Idaho and South Dakota

Give it up your time is over

 **Jaune:** Nebraska cancel all appointments

Washington we've got your ointments

 **Pyrrha:** Ohio don't stand a chance

 **Ren:** Wyoming needs a change of pants

 **Nora:** Rhode Island you cannot not surmount

 **Jaune:** Puerto Rico-

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **-does that even count?

 **Pyrrha:** Pummel down on Carolina

 **Ren:** Connecticut you're SUCH a whiner

 **Nora:** Arkansas eat my dust

 **Jaune:** Alaska is a total bust

 **Pyrrha:** You can screw Nevada...

 **Ren:** Mess with Maine...

 **Nora:** Leave Hawaii in a puddle of pain...

 **Jaune:** You can beat Virginia till she's down on the floor

 **JNPR:** But if you fuck with Tex!

If you fuck with Tex!

If you fuck with Tex you'll be ON. YOUR. KNEES. FOR. SURE...!

 **Nora:** MOTHERFUCKER!

The whole thing went quiet, "Uh... shouldn't they be cheering?" Jaune whispered to Pyrrha,

"I think we should leave." She suggested. The JNPRs slowly put down their instruments and slowly walked off stage. When they did, they met Tex their weapons, which they quickly took,

"I thought you might need these." Tex said,

"Uh... why?" Ren asked as he put his guns into his sleeves,

"Because you four just insulted every major family in town and they're going to kill you."

"Oh." Nora said, "Um... this is a good time to run, isn't it."

"Yes. They should be here in about..."

"THERE THEY ARE!"

"Now."

"Okay, FUDGE IT!" Jaune yelled as the team and Tex ran away from the  _very_ angry mob. When they got to her pick-up truck, Nora & Ren jumped in the back and Jaune & Pyrrha jumped into the front, with Pyrrha taking the driver's seat, "Get in, Tex!" Jaune yelled,

"Don't worry about me. Just go!" Tex yelled out as she pulled out a baseball bat out of nowhere,

"But you're going to die!" Pyrrha exclaimed. All Tex did was shut the car door,

"Like you said in the song, I'm bit of badass." Tex said cockily. Pyrrha just sighed and floored it. As soon as the town was out of view, the team relaxed,

"We just left her for dead, didn't we?" Ren stated,

"Don't make it worse, Ren." Pyrrha responded, "At she gave us her truck."

"Yeah." Jaune said sadly,

"Hey, where did you get that song anyway?" Nora asked,

"Oh, I downloaded the song from a website and into my Scroll. But the lyrics of some of the songs are weird." Jaune explained, "Hey, have you ever met someone named 'Caboose'? Better yet, what the heck is a 'Red vs Blue'." The truck suddenly swerved off the road for a second before going back on, "Okay, what the hell Pyrrha?!"

"N-Nothing." She lied, 'Shit. Jaune found the songs. It's only a matter of time before he finds the episodes.' Pyrrha thought worryingly. Yes, she has watched Red vs Blue. And now she has to stop Jaune and the others from finding the rest. She subtly used her Polarity ability to mess with Jaune's internet connection as well as the rest of the team's. It was for them. To protect them from finding the truth.

Though, she had a bad feeling that certain have already found it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	13. The Day We Fucked Up (Everything Old is New Again, Motion to Adjourn, Red vs Bleu)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth. Also, god I regret this season.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It's been a few hours since Team JNPR ran away from the town now. Now they were in a motel, resting after the ordeal. The whole place was quiet apart from the occasional snore; giving the still awake Pyrrha Nikos some time to think, 'Okay, so far only Jaune has only found the songs. I can't let them find the episodes.' Pyrrha thought as she laid her head on the pillow. She looked at her team worryingly; wondering what would happen if they would find out, 'But why do I have this feeling that someone already found them?' It was her last thought as she fell asleep.

(Team RWBY-One Week Earlier)

While JNPR were getting robbed by Tex, the RWBYs were staring at Yang's phone, which had been cut off hours ago.

Yes, they stared at a phone for 7 hours. Well, 6 hours, 59 minutes, 25 seconds and 54 milliseconds to be exact.

But the first one to snap out of it was the lovely, talented, freakishly strong and totally rational Yang Xiao Long.

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" The fiery, red-eyed, totally-not-rational blonde exclaimed as she ripped the phone out of Ruby's hands, smashed it to the ground and started stomping on it, each time yelling 'Dammit!', "DIE YOU ASS!" When the others eventually snapped out of it, they quickly pulled Yang away (who was in the process of setting the phone on fire), only to find that all that was left of the phone was a pile of electronic dust,

"Yang..." Blake growled. Ruby & Weiss knew this was going to be bad so the took a few steps back, "You do know that we could've CALL SOMEONE ELSE?!"

"I was out of minutes anyway." Yang replied grimly,

"Don't you have texting credit?" Ruby asked cautiously,

"Oh yeah... I forgot. I have Unlimited credit, thanks Ruby for reminding me." Then Yang felt cold. She turned and saw that Weiss (who  _melted_ the handcuffs) was towering over her with her pale blue eyes burning ( _LITERALLY_ ) with pure hatred, "O-Okay, I-I-I ma-made a mistake, bu-but on the bright side we know that we have a signal." Yang said pathetically. Next thing she knew was that she was punched. Hard. She was actually punched into Ruby, who hit her head first when she hit the ground and knocked her out completely, complete with swirly eyes and drool, "OW! Weiss!" Yang groaned, *Sigh* "I guess I deserved it. Anywa-wait, what am I on? Oh my God, WHERE'S RUBY?!" All the conscious RWBYs had to do was look under Yang butt, which was currently in her sister's face.

(A week later...)

When she was young, Weiss always wanted to help people. Though, the only thing she could think of apart from becoming a Huntress is a doctor. She just didn't expect that dream would come to fruition when Ruby had been knocked unconscious for the past week. The team was really worried that she had caused Yang to put their leader into a coma. They couldn't bear to see Ruby on life support (which had been crudely put on, with Blake's help and medical books) so they had Weiss to take care of her, 'She  _is_  my partner. And I did inadvertently knock her out, so it's the least I can do anyway.' Weiss thought as she walked towards the infirmary. Unlike Signal or other schools, Beacon's infirmary was more like a mini-hospital at least. Though, with people like Jaune it wasn't a surprise. They had everything, from prescription drugs to stuff labelled 'In case someone is MIA'. Weiss never even looked at that stuff. Anyway, she was on her way to check on Ruby who didn't show much improvement for the last 2 days. The only change was her brain activity according to the full body scan, which every Scroll had an app for (don't ask why, just go with it). It looked like her brain was a bit bruised but nothing remotely serious, and it looked like it didn't hit any vital parts either. But what worried Weiss and the others was this, what Phase is Ruby going to go in next? Yang & Blake didn't want a second Weiss, her & Blake didn't want a second Yang, and they definitely don't want, *Shiver* 'Perverted Ruby.'

(Flashback)

"Excuse me, Yang?" Weiss asked. It has been 3 days since she knocked Ruby into a coma,

"Yes?" Yang had lost all her energy after that. She believed that she put her dear sister in a coma and hasn't forgiven herself since, even though Weiss personally took the blame. Yang thought if she didn't destroy her phone, none of this would've happened. She didn't even bother to get out of her blankets or pyjamas. Weiss hoped she had PJs, "What do you want?" The blonde said tiredly, with Weiss wincing at the sound of her voice, 'It's like talking to Ren... a very depressed, blonde, admittingly attractive (AN: NO HOMO) Ren. But Ren never the less.'

"Are there any other phases we should be worried about?" Yang flipped her body towards the heiress and thought for a moment, before blushing madly, "What is it?"

"U-Um... well there's always," Yang mumbled the rest, making it undecipherable to Weiss,

"What Yang?"

"Perverted R-Ruby." Yang said quietly. This cause Weiss' eyes to widen, and her cheeks to go lightish-red,

"What do you mean by 'Perverted'?" Weiss asked cautiously. This cause Yang's blush to deepened 100% more,

"Well, last time she went into that phase, I got groped. A lot. And many others too." Yang said, "And she makes the best innuendos in that phase." Yang blushed even redder, remembering what Ruby kept telling her. And Qrow. Even a dog that one time. Especially awkward seeing your sister trying to grope and flirt with the teacher  _in the middle of class_.  _A student, FEMALE teacher_.

"Gro-Groping?" Weiss squeaked, "How bad?" This caused Weiss' worry from earlier to be answered, 'Oh my Boob Goddess...'

"I grew half a cup size thanks to her." Yang said showing the results, "And let me tell you; getting to a C cup in 2 weeks aren't the best thing to happen in your life. That's why I created boob guards just in case."

(Flashback ends!)

'It's okay Weiss, you can deal with a Perverted Ruby as long as she's in a broom closet, duct taped to a chair and as far away from the team as possible.' Weiss thought to herself as she saw the door to the infirmary. She took a deep breath before opening the door, "It's good to see you again Ruby." She said. She didn't know why she kept saying that since Ruby couldn't talk, but it helped her feel calm and know her team leader will always be there. And after this is over her leader will be the nice, happy girl she knew si-

"YOU'RE LATE!"

"Huh? Wha-?" Weiss quickly looked at the dark crimson haired girl in the hospital gown and red cloak (They tried to take it off... it didn't go well. On a side note: Is there such thing as Sleep-Murdering?) impatiently tapping her bare foot, "Ruby?"

"You were 20 seconds late for my daily check-up, and you  _know_  what I feel about punctuality." Ruby said with a slight growl in her voice, 'Says the girl wh-OH MY GOD!' Weiss thought, covering her nose, 'When was the last time Ruby had a shower?! Better yet, why haven't I noticed until  _now_?!' "Well? Explain yourself."

"First of all, HAVE A SHOWER FOR GOD FUCKING SAKE!" Weiss yelled out before calming down, "And had to ask your sister about something."

"Oh.  _Her_." Ruby spat the word before saying, "Please escort me to the dorm so I can have a shower." Ruby ordered, before sniffing her armpit, "Now." Ruby said, now a bit green and even a bit woozy,

"Hey! I'm not your servant!" The Heiress exclaimed, "Quit being such a..." Suddenly, Weiss figured it out and finished the sentence in her mind, '...bitch. Oh fuck.'

(A few minutes later...)

"Weiss, we got here as fast as we could. Ruby's awake?!" Yang said as Blake got to the door. Eventually (as in this morning) Blake convinced Yang it wasn't her fault (as in 'blame everything on Nora'), she didn't screw them over (even though Yang did) and that they were all going to be fine... until Ruby goes into another Phase, "Weiss, is something wrong?"

"Yes." She answered before yelling out, "YOUR SISTER'S A TOTAL FUCKING BITCH!" Yang had to rub her head,

"Bitch Ruby?"

"Yep."

*Sigh* "God damn it. Where is she?"

"She's having a shower right now." Yang & Blake sighed in relief. Yang got to stop getting angry just to get rid of the smell and Blake was thankful. She could still smell Ruby's essence... that would haunt her for the rest of her life,

"You know Yang, if you knew this would happen eventually you should've made a list of all of Ruby's Phases." Blake suggested,

"Yeah that would be really..." Yang trailed off, like she was remembering something, "FUCK! I FORGOT ABOUT THE LIST!" Yang exclaimed as she dived into her luggage and eventually pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper, "Here it is. The order of all of Ruby's 10 Phases!" Weiss & Blake gathered around Yang and read what was on the list.

**1)Emotional Ruby: Really sensitive. Kinda makes her dumb. Must keep parents memories from her mind. Memories locked: None as of now.**

The words 'Memories Locked' was written in a different pen colour, like it was an after thought, "'Memories Locked'? What does it mean?" Blake asked,

"Oh shit, I forgot about that too." Yang muttered, causing the others to face palm, "It's basically what Ruby locks away in the deep part of her mind in order to fit the current phase. Say, if uh... it's Action Ruby, she'll only remember her fights and weapons she seen. Maybe some minor details like who her friends and family are but other than that she won't remember anything else, like how to cook... or how to not pee in public." Yang explained, remembering the time her baby adopted sister literally forgot how to use a toilet... and considering the fact she was in her Perverted Phase didn't make it any easier, 'I almost got molested in that stall way too many times.'

"Well, we can cross off Phase One as Ruby's already been through it." Blake stated. Yang nodded, grabbed a pen and crossed it off,

"Wait, what if there's one phase where all she remembers is death?" Weiss asked worryingly, she didn't want a permanent White Cloak Ruby around, and the fact that she knew it would slowly kill Ruby made it justified,

"Oh don't worry. Read the next few." Yang answered.

**2)Bitch Ruby: Approach with caution. Very mean. Bitchy, I may add. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, all other friends apart from her 'servants' (the first 3 people she sees... including me).**

"I wonder how that Phase developed." Blake muttered. Yang wanted to say Ruby developed that from watching too many tsunadere anime, but kept her mouth shut because she realised she  _let_  Ruby watch those with her. Yang quickly crossed the phase out as they were at it now.

**3)Ninja Ruby: Extremely shy, or at least shy enough to hide her face. Can't find her at all. Really worried. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, fighting ability.**

"Hold on, she forgets how to  _fight?_ " Weiss asked in disbelief,

"Yep. She couldn't even pull the trigger on her rifle. All she knew how to defend herself was to hide." Yang explained. Blake looked down, remembering her time before everything. The White Fang, Beacon, everything. All she could do was hiding in plain sight and in the shadows. Blake sighed, shaking off the bad memories (and a small 'other' feeling) before reading the next Phase.

**4)Creepy Ruby: She just says nothing and emotionless. Not even a smirk. I'd say that she even matured a few years. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, anytime she felt an extremely positive emotion or extremely negative emotion.**

"Isn't that more of a Stoic Ruby?" Blake said,

"I did think of that, but the term 'Creepy Ruby' just fits. You'll see why sooner or later." Yang said, remembering things she really wanted to forget, 'No more. No more. OH GOD, THOSE FUCKING EYES!'

**5)Perverted Ruby: Experiences are too... descriptive to put into words. Memories Locked: Parents' Death, and about everything else except people. And Grimm. Even a dog that one time.**

'First priority after Stoic Ruby: LOCK RUBY IN BROOM CLOSET 1234567890-QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM!' Weiss thought, shivering at the thought of a Groping Ruby. Yang instinctively grabbed her ladies while Blake just blushed, 'I am not a Yuri fan. I am not a Yuri fan. I am not a Yuri fan. Well, maybe a bit of a Tenta-SHUT UP PERVY BLAKE! GET BACK IN THE CAGE!' Blake thought. Yang & Weiss didn't know why but they felt like they might need more than armour for that Phase. And Blake for some reason.

**6)Cuddle Ruby: Cute. Clingy but cute. Memories Locked: ?**

"Oh, that doesn't seem that bad." Weiss said, "At least we'll have a break from a crazy Ruby." Yang just looked at her weirdly,

"Do you wonder where that other half cup comes from?" Yang asked rhetorically. This shut the others up, though Weiss felt like she could use a few hugs, 'Maybe 2 weeks worth?'

 **7)Girl Ruby:** (There's a long, drawn out line that looked like a younger Yang was thinking)  ** ~~She's nice so far. Weird but nice~~**   **WRONG! I AM WRONG! Memories Locked: Every. Single. Memory (apart from certain people). A completely different Ruby Ro-I mean, T'Ambrose.**

"'Ruby T'Ambrose'?" Blake repeated, "What the fu-huh?" Blake was having trouble comprehending it, "Wha-? What kind of name is that?!"

"Oh, well... that's her 'normal' name." Yang said as she rubbed her neck, "This Ruby Phase makes her act if she never wanted to become a huntress and her head is replaced by new memories." Yang explained, "She thought I was a hooker once." She muttered sadly, 'It was like Ruby died and some fucking impostor took her place.' She thought as she choked down the feeling of her sister being a complete stranger to her. The other girls looked at the blonde's sad face so they decided to continue reading.

 **8)Black*Star Ruby: She definitely watches too much Soul Eater. She could've been Maka Alburn, maybe even Patty. Hell, I would settle for** (The next word was clearly written with a shaky hand) ** _Excalibur_. Memories locked: Parents' Death  & possibly Beacon when she gets there.**

"Um... what's Soul Eater?" Weiss asked. The others looked at her with disbelief & confusion in their faces, "What?"

"Oh nothing Weiss." Blake simply said, "Only the fact that SOUL EATER IS LITERALLY BASED OFF BEACON!" (AN: I want to note that RWBY's version of Soul Eater is basically the same except it's set in Vytal rather than Earth and students fight both Kishin and Grimm, sometimes both)

"It is?"

"Yeah, everyone knows that. It's the first thing you learn as soon as you get to Beacon." Yang said, "Where have you been living in?"

"With my parents..." Weiss growled. The two girls quickly knew they just hit a touchy subject, so they quickly started reading the Ninth Phase.

**9)Action Ruby: I 3 this Phase. Memories Locked: WHO THE F-WORD CARES!**

The Fauna & the Heiress looked at the Fiery Goddess weirdly, "This was before I learnt about swear words, alright?" Yang said. The two quickly nodded, noticing Yang's golden hair flickering, "That's right... cockbites." That last part wasn't heard by anyone.

**10)Insane Ruby: Haven't thought of a better name. Apparently, she thinks we don't exist yet and the god of (and I quote) 'The Purity of Awesome' will create us after he stops his deceased fantasy, travels to the far lands of a badass, works in a chicken with fangs and create gems of greatness in a rose & a violet before giving us silver, cobalt, amber & lilac mini-movies. Locked Memories: I'm not even sure anymore.**

Weiss & Blake stared at the 10th Phase before Weiss said, "We are  _definitely_ fucked, aren't we?"

"Yep."

"Also, it looks like Ruby is mainly suppressing her memories of her parents. It could be a defence mechanism built into her brain." Blake theorised, "She desperately wants to forget but she can only lock it away at the back of her mind. She'll eventually remember anyway."

"Well, sometimes it's better to remember than to forget." Weiss muttered sagely, "If Ruby doesn't deal with it; well I don't think she would ever forgive herself." Yang realised Weiss was right. If Ruby ever forgot about them, they may as well don't exist. Yang sighed, remembering that she never actually saw her parents much (or at all) while Ruby known hers for about 6 years before they died. When Ruby stepped out of the bathroom with a new set of her classic Perky Goth clothing (though she isn't that perky anymore), Yang decided it was best for Ruby to remember that there was people with her until the end, and every great comforting moment always start with a 'Hello',

"Ruby, I'm glad to see yo-"

"Shut up and don't talk to me,  _Yang_." Of course, this isn't a fucking movie so, as reality taught us, 'Fuck you. Life's a bitch and her name is Ruby.' (AN: By now, you should know that every time Ruby says anything related to Yang, she'll spit it out like chewing tobacco until the next Season)

'You gotta be fucking kidding me." Yang cried comically as Blake tried to comfort her partner, 'Was I that much of a bitch to Ruby?' Weiss thought, questioning if it was her old Princess Bitch mask or if it was her actual hatred of the cloaked girl. Sure, she did help out more often and Ruby wasn't showing off ( _much_ ), but something in her gut said that she should've been the Leader... even though she sucked badly. Mission 365: was a great example, which was set over 2 days, 'Then again, I did-no wait, that was actually Yang's plan. We were in a castle after all. Though, I wonder why they call it The Castle That Was Never Worked.' Weiss thought. Though, after what the RWBYs did to it, it was renamed.

The Castle That Never Should've Hired RWBY To Renovate An Entire Castle While Protecting It From Grimm At The Same (Bleeping) Time For 7 Len A Week.

Or the TCTNSHRWBYTRAECWPIFGATS(B)TF7LAW.

If you can't count, that was a len a day, with a total amount of FUCKING NOTHING! 'We couldn't even keep the cheap bastard's money.'

"HELLO! VYTAL TO DUMBASS!"

"Huh?" Weiss got cut out of thoughts, realising something very important. Somehow, Ruby (or a.k.a Yang -or referred to by Ruby, 'The Bitch who put me in a Coma'- & Blake) set up the room back into it's make-shift home theatre, made popcorn and drinks (With Yang doing 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the work and all Black had to do was drain the orange colour out of Ruby's orange juice. Don't ask how she did it), fixed Ruby's hanging bed (now held up by a surprising amount of interlocking handcuffs and some leather whi-I mean leather ropes... what? THEY EXIST!) and Ruby with, "Is that my make-up?"

"You mean  _my_  make-up, Miss Schnee?" Ruby said in a sickly sweet tone that made the whole room (even the half conscious Blake & her partner) shiver,

"Y-Yes, M-Miss Rose." Weiss said, fearing for her life. She knew that glare was close to the Death Glare of Cuteness (Trademarked) and she  _did not_  want to see herself shit her pants over a lot of things, 'After this is over, I want Ruby to teach me to be more of a bitch. Oh ho ho, my dad is going to  _love_  the new me.' Weiss thought evilly with storm clouds appearing behind her,

"Uh... Blake, you can see the storm right? Above Weiss' head?" Yang said as she got up,

"Yeah..."

"Blake... I think we officially snapped."

"You said it, sister." Suddenly, Yang felt really insulted. I mean,  _really_ insulted. Like she had a chunk of her hair pulled out. But somehow, she had the feeling the name fit, but for what reason as beyond her understanding, 'Maybe because I'm the smart, beautiful, talented sister of Ruby,'

"Get over here! That means you  _Bitch!_ "

'Fucking Ass of a Rose.' Said Bitch angrily said in her mind, 'I can't wait for this Phase to be over.' Yang thought as she sat down on her chair, only to be glared at by Ruby. She sighed as Yang got off her seat and went to sit down with Blake, who was at the back and Yang's chair being behind Weiss, 'Why does she hate me?'

"Alright. Now that I have your attention, I must say," Ruby started to talk about the most boring shit about the Halo franchise, most of the stuff the RWBYs already knew. And I know this part is really long so let just skip to actual Red vs Blue shit, "And then we have the Spartan Laser..." Wait! Hold on, let me. Okay. Got it. Skipping... "Then Master Chief punched the alien in the balls and tore its throat out with his teeth  _without removing his helmet_..." Okay, (but if you don't mind, I'll be officially breaking the fourth wall here)  _I_  didn't even expect for Ruby to go this long talking about the Halo franchise, especially since she only had 4 hours before she got knocked out. And I'm pretty sure she's just bullshitting right now. Okay, one last skip... "In conclusion, HALO IS AWESOME! Oh, and we should watch the second season of Red vs Blue." Ruby mumbled that last part. Everyone else was either asleep, prepared to commit possible suicide by boredom or kill Ruby.

Most likely kill Ruby. But that's for a later season.

"AGREE!"

"YES MA'AM!" The rest of the girls quickly said, kinda scared of this Ruby,

"I thought you've already been through this." Blake whispered to Yang,

"It doesn't make her any less scary." Yang whispered back, "I think even Uncle Qrow was scared of her. I think he still is if he was here." Blake shivered, 'Even the strongest man can fear the smallest girl.' Blake thought as Ruby put Season 2 in the DVD Player, 'Especially when her name is Ruby Rose.'

"Alright, time for the Second Part of Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles!"

'But then again, she's still Ruby.' Blake thought, 'No one can change that.'

**(Everything Old is New Again)**

_Static and radio noises are heard. Camera fades in on a dim view of a planet._

**Male Voice:**  Come in Blue Command, come in.

_Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch._

*Sigh* "Well, back to the shit hole known as Blood Gulch." Weiss muttered.

 **Male Voice** : This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?

"A medic? When did the Blues call a medic?" Blake said, "It might be a little late for that."

_Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down._

**Vic:**   _(distorted)_  Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two.

 **DuFresne** : Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.

 **Vic:**  Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.

 _Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne in purple armour_.

 **DuFresne:**  Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-

 **Vic:**   _(audio distortion ends, the song "Trocadero - No one" is heard in the background of the transmission exchange)_  Yo, I hear you. Calm down, dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?

"Great, the call centre has a shitty connection." Yang muttered, only to be shushed by Ruby, 'Okay, she let Blake & Weiss say something and now she tells me to shut up. What the fuck did I-well, it could be the time put Yang Sauce in her cookies a few weeks ago.' Yang thought. If you ever even see golden sauce on anything, run. Just run.

 **DuFresne:**  Uh, roger that Command.

 **Vic:**  Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, dude?

 **DuFresne:**  Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?

 **Vic:**  Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?

"Okay, that's a bit suspicious." Blake noticed. The guy answered that a bit too quickly for her liking.

 **DuFresne** : You're sure? The Blue Command Base?

 **Vic:**  Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.

 **DuFresne:**  Naw, I know, it's just...

 **Vic:**  It's just  _what_ , dude?

 **DuFresne:**  Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.

 **Vic:**  Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker... ask him about their wounded dude.

"'Wounded'? The only wounded people are Tex & Church, and they're dead." Ruby said, a bit glad they died. Well, Tex mostly, but Church still sucks at shooting.

 **DuFresne:**  Roger that. Any other orders?

 **Vic:**  Anything else... yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't- oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all.

 **DuFresne:**  ...Great.

'Don't tell _what_?' The RWBYs thought.

 **Vic:**  Alright then. Well it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.

"I'm wondering who hired this guy." Yang said, "You'd think he'd be at least semi-professional."

 **DuFresne:**  Okay... Private Tucker...

_Cut to Blue Base._

**Tucker:**  Hey, Church, we have a problem.

 **Church:**   _(in cobalt armour again)_  I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.

"Seriously, Church acts like Weiss really well." Ruby noted. The others had to face fault. So far, the team thought Ruby acted more like Church than Weiss.

 **Tucker:**  I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

"Oh right. Caboose is possessed by Tex's A.I. This might really screw them over in the long run." Blake said. The RWBYs really didn't want Red vs Blue to be real if an A.I like O'Malley running around, or the Reds and Blues.

 **Caboose:**  No, I didn't.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

 **Caboose:**  You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

"I don't think there's any context in that phrase." Yang said, only to be hushed by Ruby again. By an apple.

 **Tucker:**  What? What context?

_DuFresne runs up behind Church._

**Church:**  Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-

 **DuFresne:**   _(interrupting)_  Excuse me.

 **Church:**  Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah, loo- I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good.

"Yeah, dealing with a pervert and an idiot everyday is basically saying 'fuck you, life.'" Weiss muttered (AN: Okay, let me stop and say I'm really not on my A Game on reactions).

 **DuFresne:**  Excuse me.

 **Church:**   _(turns around)_  Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?

 **Caboose:**   _(to Tucker, in his "scary voice")_  Don't ever be alone.

The RWBYs had to shiver at Caboose's Scary Voice. Even though it was most likely O'Malley talking, it was still unnerving.

 **Tucker:**  He's doing that thing again...

 **DuFresne:**  My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?

 **Church:**  No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.

 **Tucker:**  Yo!

 **Church:**  And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.

 **Caboose:**  Why did you introduce me second?

 **Tucker:**  Because he hates you.

"With good reason to." Ruby muttered.

_Cut to DuFresne where two tombstones are seen in the background._

"Is that a Star of David?" Yang pointed out, "A-Are Church & Tex Jewish?"

"So what? Do you have anything against Jewish people?" Ruby asked with a glare,

"N-No, I was ju-"

"Just  _what,_ Miss Xiao Long?" Ruby growled. Yang just kept quiet, restraining herself from getting too angry, "Just as I thought." Blake & Weiss really felt sorry for the blonde.

 **DuFresne:**  I received your call for a medic.

 **Caboose:**  Medic? That was like three months ago.

"Of course they would take that long." Weiss said while rubbing her head.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

 **DuFresne:**  I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?

 **Church:**  Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down.

 _DuFresne turns around and sees the tombstones_.

 **DuFresne:**  Oh.  _(turns back to the Blues)_  I'm sorry about your loss.

 **Church:**  What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...

"I don't think it was that tough." Blake muttered. She was actually a bit sad that the first girl they've seen died just as quickly as she got there.

 **Caboose:**  We didn't like her very much.  _(whispers loudly)_  She was mean to other people.

 **DuFresne** : Who's in the other grave?

 **Church:**  That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.

 **DuFresne:**  ...uh huh. ...of course.

"Awkward..." Yang whispered to Blake.

 **Caboose:**  See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.

 **Tucker:**  Or by the idiot driving it.

 **Caboose:**  Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue.

 **Tucker:**  Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.

 **Church:**   _(click)_  No esta completamente apagado, pendejo.

 **Caption:**  Not entirely turned off, moron.

"That was kinda expected." W eiss said.

 **Tucker** :  _(sighs)_  I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.

 **DuFresne:**  Wait, so, no one here is hurt?

 **Church:**   _(click)_  No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.

"Best Super Power ever." Weiss muttered,

"Of all time." The others added in. It would be awesome now that they thought about it. They could finally shut Nora the fuck up.

 **Caboose:**  You said they were shorting out.

 **Church:**   _(click)_  I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

 **DuFresne:**  Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way.

 **Tucker:**  Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?

 **DuFresne:**   _(holding up a medical scanner)_  No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.

"Okay, that looks like a Plasma Pistol. Not very good at killing, but great from shorting out equipment like vehicles and shielding." Blake said. The others looked at her weirdly, "It was on the wiki." She partially lied. She just realised that while she was reading the wiki that the White Fang was developing something similar to that. It even had the basic shape, but they kept it from her specifically. Did they know?

 **Caboose:**   _(to Tucker)_  I bet I have better vitals than you!  _(to Church)_  ...What's a vital?

"Something expected from the idiot himself!" Yang said a bit too loudly for Ruby's liking,

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN!" The others stared at the Bitchy Leader in amazement and some disgust. Ruby actually never talked to her sister like that, or at least in public. Yang just sniffed and sat back down. Ruby smirked and went back to watching, 'I actually liked Emotional Ruby better.' Yang thought sadly.

 **Church:**  On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?

 **DuFresne:**  No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.

 **Church:**  First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.

 **DuFresne:**  Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.

 **Tucker:**  A conshe- who?

 **DuFresne** (& Blake) **:**  I'm (/He's) a pacifist.

"Uh... what's a pacifist?" Ruby asked Weiss with a confused look on her face,

"Someone who doesn't involve one's self in violence or dislikes violence in general." She answered. She was a bit glad there was some Actual Ruby in there.

 **Caboose:**  You're a thing that babies suck on...?

 **Tucker:**  No, dude, that's a pedophile.

"Idiot." The team muttered as they groaned,

"Wait, what's a pedophile?" Ruby asked innocently, with her bitch personality seemingly melting away,

"U-Um... uh... we-well," Blake stuttered, "Let's j-just say they're v-v-very bad people."

"Even worse than Roman or the Demon Shadow?"

"N-No, just don't go with them."

"Huh." Ruby huffed, "I wonder if it has to do what mum told me about white vans when I was 4." She said out loud. Yang & the others realised that Ruby thought her parents were alive,

"Um... how  _are_ your parents, Ruby?" Weiss asked cautiously,

*Sigh* "They're fine." Ruby answered, a bit annoyed, "Apart from being away most of the time, they're fine." They noticed that Ruby said that sentence with a bitter undertone. This worried the rest of the RWBYs a bit more and now they had a bigger choice, 'Should we tell her?' They put it at the back of their minds for a later date.

 **Church:**  Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

 **Tucker:**  Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.

 **Church:**  That's real classy, Tucker.

 **DuFresne:**   _(finishing his scan)_  Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?

 **Tucker:**  Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.

'Please don't tell me that...' Blake's thoughts were answered in the next line.

 **DuFresne:**  I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.

"That explains the purple armour." Ruby said while Blake groaned,

"I can't believe the military is that cheap." Weiss muttered,

"Wait, Doc called Blue Command before this and he said that he's here for both the Reds & the Blues Armies. Doesn't that mean both the Reds and Blues are temporarily working together because of low resources or that the Reds and Blues are the same?" Yang pointed out. Ruby turned around and simply said,

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Shut the hell up,  _Yang_." Before turning back to the movie. Yang's mood darkened even more while Weiss  & Blake were thinking over about her statement. What was the point of the Red & Blue teams again?

 **Church:**  Man, that is so freakin' lame.

 **DuFresne:**  I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help.

 **Church:**  Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.

_DuFresne's medical scanner gets shot._

**Church:**  Yeah, just like that.

_Another shot goes between DuFresne and Church._

**Church:**  Scatter!

 _Cut to Sarge and Donut in the middle of the canyon. Donut is using a sniper rifle_.

"HAH!" Ruby laughed, "The Rookie is a better shot than him!"

"Everyone is a better shot than him." Blake pointed out,

"For once, I agree." Which was true. Since Ruby was the Team Leader and most of her plans do work, she tends to ignore anyone's (mostly Blake's) and everyone's plans. They work... mostly, but it would've been better if she listened to Blake. Mission 101 was a prime example, 'She may be a prodigy but she's far from being the perfect leader.'

 **Sarge:**  Nice shot, cupcake.

 **Donut:**  Thanks, Sarge!

 **Simmons:**   _(firing his machine gun a few times)_  Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!

 **Grif:**   _(standing up in front of Simmons)_  Yeah, sneak attack!

"Never yell out 'Sneak Attack' when you're doing a sneak attack." Blake muttered, remembering their second, stealthier, attempt at a stealth mission. They actually lasted 3 minutes before guards came to kick their asses. It didn't help that it was Yang who blew it... again.

 **Simmons:**  Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see.

 **Sarge:**  Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.

"Well, Blue Team's fucked." Yang muttered before going to the bathroom. A few minutes of peace and quiet (apart from the wails of a ghost, which caused a certain cat girl to disappear until it stopped) before Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Motion to Adjourn)**

_Firefight outside the Blue Base._

**Church:**  Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defence, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

 **Tucker:**  I didn't even know what half of that meant.

"Of course he doesn't." Weiss muttered.

 **Church:**  Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

 **Tucker:**  That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.

 **Church:**  We do not have time to discuss this.

 **Tucker:**  Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

Apart of Ruby, really (and I mean  _really_ ) deep inside, thought that would be an awesome sandwich.

"Tucker's right. He'll get shredded regardless of anything Church does." Blake said.

 **Church:**  Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.

 **Tucker:**  Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

 **Church:**  No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

 _Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues_.

 **Grif:**  Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.

"Who the fuck cares, just keep shooting!" Ruby yelled out, "It's just an Assault Rifle."

"Actually, Ruby's right." Yang spoke up. She was starting to stay a bit quieter during the episodes because of the phase, "It looks like standard issue weapons. Shouldn't they be trained in using them?"

"You know, you're right. Thank you  _Yang_." Ruby spat out, "I still haven't forgiven you,  _Bitch!_ " Yang only groaned, 'WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!'

 **Simmons:**  Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

_Zoom back to Church._

**Church:**  Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!

 **DuFresne:**  My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.

"Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think DuFresne is a good name." Blake said,

"Yeah, Doc sounds better." Weiss admitted.

 **Church:**  Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

 **DuFresne:**  I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.

 **Tucker:**  What's the difference?

 **DuFresne:**  Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.

"He's right, you know." Blake stated,

"Mental Note: Never get a medic." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Mental note: don't ever get shot.

"That works too."

"SHUT UP!"

*Sigh* 'I'm not getting a break, am I?'

 **Church:**  It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

 **DuFresne:**  Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.

 _Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing_.

"I think its going to stick." Ruby said.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, trust us, it'll stick.

 **Church:**  Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.

 **Doc:**  I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.

 **Church:**  Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".

 **Doc:**  Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

"This guy is a fucking wuss." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, come on.

 **Doc:**  Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.

 **Church:**  Huh. I see.

"Oh come on, like he can even..."

_Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot._

**Caboose:**  Ahow! My foot...

"...shoot him." Ruby finished her sentence,

"He can't shoot for shit at a Red but he's a perfect shot when it's his own team mates." Blake complained a bit,

"Well, Church does hate his team. Maybe more than the Reds." Yang said, 'This team is full of team-killing fucktards.'

 **Church:**  Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

 **Doc:**  You know, you could have just asked nicely.

_Zoom to the Reds._

**Simmons:**  Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.

 **Grif:**  Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.

 **Simmons:**  Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

 **Grif:**  Wait, since when?

 **Simmons:**  Since the last staff meeting.

 **Grif:**  We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

"Seriously, how did he get into the army?" Weiss groaned.

 **Simmons:**  Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

 **Grif:**  What's your job?

 **Simmons:**  Me? I'm the Social Chairman.

 **Sarge:**  Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.

 **Simmons:**  Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

"How is he going to use it?" Ruby asked curiously. The others had to either resist face palming or telling Ruby what Simmons was suggesting.

_Zoom to Doc and Caboose._

**Doc:**  I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?

 **Caboose:**  Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

 **Doc:**  The left foot?

 **Caboose:**  Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...

 **Doc:**  I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.

"Oh, don't even start Caboose." Weiss muttered.

 **Church:**  Oh don't even start, Caboose!  _(echoing)_

"Why do I even talk during these?" Weiss groaned as she rubbed her forehead, 'I think I need aspirin now.'

 **Doc:**  Anything else?

 **Caboose:**  Uh, well wha?

 **Doc:**  You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

 **Caboose:**  Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.

Ruby started blushing madly, "A-Are you blushing?" Yang asked,

"N-No!" Ruby lied, "Sh-Shut up and sit down,  _Bitch_!" Yang sighed, muttering 'why do I even bother', 'Don't think about it, Ruby. Your childhood has already been scarred enough.' She thought to herself, trying desperately wipe away the memories.

 **Doc:**  ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.

 **Caboose:**  Okay.

_Zoom to Tucker and Church._

**Tucker:**  Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?

 **Church:**  I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.

 **Sarge:**  Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

 **Church:**  Surrender?

"Aren't the Reds the one out of ammo?" Yang pointed out,

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Ruby said sarcastically, "It's obvious they're calling a bluff."

"A very bad one." Blake added in. Yang sighed, 'Everytime...' she thought. After a few minutes, Blake picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Red vs Bleu)**

_The Reds and Blues are not shooting at each other. Sarge is addressing Church._

**Sarge:**  We are giving you a chance to surrender!

 **Grif:**  There's no way this bluff is gonna work.

 **Sarge:**  Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

 _Cut to the Blues_.

 **Church:**  Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo...  _(yells back)_  What're your terms?!

 **Tucker:**  Their what?

"Wait, why would Church do that?" Weiss asked, "The Blues have the advantage."

"It's obvious that after dealing with Doc, he's planning to force the Reds into a humiliating position of some sort. An interesting surrendering strategy to turn the tables in the Blue's advantage." Yang explained. This earned weird looks from her team mates, "What? Isn't it obvious?"

"Shut the fuck up  _Yang_." Ruby responded before turning back to the TV. Yang was about to say something else but decided not to voice it. Weiss  & Blake were wondering when this phase will end. (AN: Joke by Iron-Mantis)

_Cut to the Reds._

**Grif:**  Our what?

 **Simmons:**  I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

 **Grif:**  Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

"It's a Puma..." Ruby growled quietly, 'Just when I thought it was over.' Weiss thought.

 **Donut:**  Oo oo, Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, and some cake!

"I don't think they serve cake in the military." Blake said. And now that Ruby thought about it, she kinda wanted cake now, 'With whipped cream, chocolate chips, gummi bears...' At this point, Ruby was in her Sugar Wonderland while in the real world she was drooling like a waterfall with a blank gaze in her eyes. The other looked at their leader weirdly before shrugging and going back to the movie.

 **Donut:**  Ooh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

 **Sarge:**  Alright, Blues! First off! We want your flag-!

 **Simmons:**  Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armour showed up.

"Who's dead." Weiss added in.

 **Sarge:**  ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

 **Church:**  Uh oh.

 **Sarge:**  You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

_Cut to the Blues._

**Tucker:**  Well, Church, what's it gonna be?

 **Church:**  Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

 **Sarge:**  And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

 **Church:**  Uh... Uh, he's not here any more!

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!

"Um... that's Japanese." Blake pointed out,

"You can speak Japanese?" Ruby asked,

"Watashi wa nihonjin, bitchi o hanasu koto ga dekiru! Watashi wa watashi ga hoshī to anata ga rikai shi tenaideshou nani mo iu koto ga dekimasu. Rokudenashi no kami... Mata, anata wa subete no watashi no kea no tame no watashi no kusoon'na ni kisu o suru koto ga dekimasu rīdā to shite suu. Watashi wa, anata o nikumu, Ruby Rose." Blake said with a smug look on her face,

"Okay, okay, you can speak Japanese. You don't have to rub it in." Ruby muttered, not knowing what it translated to (AN: Translations at the bottom).

 **Church:**  That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this: Hey, Reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!

 **Doc:**  A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.

"That's the point. The Blues are basically trading nothing for something good." Weiss said. Maybe it was good to be compared to Church, 'He's still an asshole though.'

_Cut to the Reds._

**Simmons:**  Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

 **Grif:**  I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

 **Simmons:**  We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

 **Grif:**  Oh, right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

"It is better to have a medic than bullets." Blake said.

_Cut to the Blues._

**Church:**  Hey, Doc. How's the patient?

 **Doc:**  Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.

 **Tucker:**  He's talking about Caboose, right?

 **Church:**  No, I mean his toe. How's the toe I shot?

 **Doc:**  What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.

 **Caboose:**  ( _sad_ ) Rest in peace, pinkie toe...  _(in O'Malley voice)_  You shall be avenged!

Weiss, Yang & Blake shivered. It sounded demonic. It sounded like a thousand souls screaming in agony. It sounded like Professor Oobleck on steroids, writing on the chalkboard with only his fingernails.

It sounded like Ruby.

 **Doc:**   _(sighs)_  Tell you what... Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.

 **Church:**  Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?!

 **Simmons:**  You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

 **Tucker:**  We've already got that! What else do you have?!

The girls couldn't help but snicker a bit.

 **Sarge:**  What do you want?!

 **Church:**  How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!

"SERIOUSLY?!" Weiss exclaimed, "Out of all the things they could've gotten: Bullets, weapons, fucking plans! Church asks for them to say the REDS SUCK?!"

"Well, what can they offer." Yang asked.

 _The Reds mutter to themselves for a moment_.

 **Sarge:**  What if we admit that one of us sucks?!

 **Grif:**  NICE. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

"I'm guessing that." Blake deadpanned. She knew what was going to happen.

 _Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the Blues_.

 **Church:**  Okay then! We agree to the terms?! You first, and then we send over the medic!

 **Sarge:**  Get on with it, Grif.

 **Grif:**  ( _grunting sigh_ ) I would just like to let everyone know... that I suck!

"Of course." Weiss muttered. Ruby held back a snicker.

 **Church:**  And?!

 **Grif:**  And that I'm a girl!

The girls were starting to show hints of laughter at Grif's humiliation.

 **Church:**  What else!?

 **Grif:**  And I like ribbons in my hair! And I want to kiss all the boys!

By this point the girls fell off their chairs, pointing and laughing at Grif, not noticing Ruby was punching Yang in the face while laughing, and the blonde didn't feel a thing. After ROFL-ing for about an hour, they continued watching.

 **Sarge:**  This may be the best surrender of all time.

 **Simmons:**  Okay, is that good enough?!

 **Church:**  Yeah!  _(turns to Doc)_  Alright, go ahead Doc.

 _Doc runs over to the Reds_.

 **Grif:**  Man, I really hope you're worth this.

"Oh, definitely worth it." Ruby said, still laughing a bit and rubbing her sore knuckles, 'Any moment now...'

 **Doc:**  Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

 **Grif:**  Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

"No wonder." Blake said, finding something that contributed to the insanity in Blood Gulch.

 **Doc:**  No water... Then what do you drink?

 **Grif:**  Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

 **Sarge:**  I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sarsaparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada. ( _singing_ ) If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.

"That's actually a catchy song. I wonder is-AH! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FA-I'm going to sleep now." Yang said as she fell into unconsciousness. Ruby did a quick yes, which didn't go unnoticed by Weiss & Blake,

"You did that to Yang!?" Weiss exclaimed as she pointed at the blonde, totally ignoring that face that she could have internal bleeding right now,

"Yes! And nothing will stop me from doing it again!" Ruby yelled out,

"Ruby." Blake asked calmly, "Can I teach you a bit of Japanese?"

"Uh... sure." Ruby said. Blake leaned in and whispered her the words, "Okay. Here I go. Watashi wa nihonjin, masutā o hanasu koto ga dekiru. Watashi wa anata ni watashi ga dekiru nin'i no hōhō o yorokobi ninara nani demo shimasuto tsuneni kenkyona dorei ni narimasu. To watashi wa meinudesunode, watashi wa watashi ga jigoku ni dai ni iku to akuma ni ai o shinakereba naranai itte iru ka kentōgatsukanai. Mata, watashi wa koinu o nikumushi, sorera subete o reipushitai. Did I get that right?"

"Sure." Blake said with a straight face, "Weiss, will you come with me?"

"Uh... sure." Weiss responded as she followed the amber-eyed cat girl. Seconds later, uncontrollable laughter can be heard all around Beacon if anyone else was actually here,

"Hm." Ruby sighed, "I guess they're laughing at Yang,"

* * *

 

Translations

Blake: I can speak Japanese, Bitch! I can say anything I want and you won't understand. God of Assholes... also, you suck as a leader you can kiss my fucking cunt for all I care. I hate you, Ruby Rose.

Ruby: I can speak Japanese, master. I will do anything to pleasure you any way I can and will always be your humble slave. And I have no idea what I'm saying because I am a bitch I should go die in hell and make love to demons. Also I hate puppies and want to rape them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	14. That's Going to Leave a Dent (Joy of Toggling, Sweet Ride, Last Words)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth. I have permission.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

With Yang in a mini-coma until the next day, Blake being preoccupied because she has to take care of her and Ruby being... less than Ruby, Weiss gave up in watching more episodes and decided she should leave it for tomorrow. Already pretty drained, she decided to sleep even though it was still in the middle of the day. She was going to have a nap so she didn't bother in changing into her Pyjamas. She climbed onto her bed and fell asleep. She was having a weird dream. Of things that didn't make sense. She saw her self running from something. She didn't know what but she knew that she didn't want to find out. She felt the darkness closing in on her as she ran. Suddenly, she felt an extreme amount of pain in her head, causing her to collapse. When she looked up, she saw that Yang was there as well, holding onto her head like she was,

"Yang, what are doing here?" She asked the blonde. Yang looked up and Weiss only saw ink black eyes. She quickly crawled away from her, only to bump into two figures. She turned around and saw Ruby & Blake staring at her with the same eyes as Yang, "Ruby, Blake! What the Fuck is happening!?" She yelled to her team members. She started to feel dizzy as the other girls started closing in on her. Was she going insane? Did something happen to her to cause this? Weiss fell to her knees as she clutched her head, trying to forget. She realised she was crying now, "Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!" She sobbed. What was happening to her? She didn't know. All she felt was that she was weak. Useless. Dead-Weight. Everything she felt every time she looked into her father's eyes. Was she dying? She felt as though she deserved to die. Or even exist. Everything was starting to collapse around her. Maybe this was her fate, she die alone forever. Suddenly, she felt the darkness go through her, causing, no, forcing her to stand up. She just wanted the pain to go away, "Please, stop..." She whispered quietly as she forced herself to look up. Ruby, Blake & Yang were still there, "GO AWAY!" She yelled at them. Ruby's emotionless answer?

"Start the chorus." Cue Ruby, Blake & Yang doing the Can-Can complete with music. Weiss couldn't help but give an eye twitch at the scene that was happening in front of her, "Come on! Join us Weiss!" Ruby said gleefully,

"This definitely a dream..." Weiss muttered as she walked away from her dancing team mates, who now moved on to the Truffle Shuffle, "Wait, this is  _my_  dream!" Weiss realised this was a lucid dream now and she could do whatever the fuck she wanted. She turned around and glared at the Amazing Dancing RWBYs (minus the W), "STOP DANCING!" This caused them to stop, along with the music. Weiss then crossed her arms and thought for a second, "Ruby, um... stay where you are. Blake & Yang, do the honours."

"Got it!" (Ruby)

"Yes Master!" (Blake)

"Okie Dokie!" (Yang)

And for the rest of the dream, Dream!Blake and Dream!Yang proceeded to beat the shit out of Dream!Ruby while Weiss was laughing her ass off. She actually always wanted to do that, especially when she was introduced to Bitch Ruby. She even joined in. Even though it was a hollow victory, it didn't mean it was bad. In the real world, Weiss sighed happily, as though she was having the greatest dream ever. Of all time.

Even though it was to the point where she was pissing herself due to all the mental laughter.

(NEXT DAY!)

Weiss woke groggily from her perfect dream to a strange noise she couldn't describe in words.

Apart from the sounds of a skull, pieces of wood or pain. Lots and lots of pain.

*WHACK!*

"OW!"

*WHACK!*

"THAT'S MY SPLEEN!"

*WHACK!*

"THERE GOES THE UTERUS!"

*WHACK!*

"I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN!"

*WHACK!*

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

*WHACK!*

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUBY I-"

*WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK OF AWESOMENESS! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WH4CK! WHACK! WHACK! SUPERIOR WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK VS WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! SUPER WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! ASSASSIN'S WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! ROSE PETAL WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! FOUR-WAY WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! BOW CHICKA WHACK WHACK WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! THAT PADDLING FROM THAT ONE EPISODE IN FAMILY GUY WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! DOUBLE WHACK JUST TO MAKE SURE! WHACK! YOU CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH WHACKS! WHACK!*

"My va-"

*WHACK-TROCITY! HIGH SCORE: 69 WHACK COMBO ACHIEVED!*

Weiss, again and more cautiously, woke up  _very slowly_  and looked to see Blake on the floor while Ruby was 'testing' her baseball bat on Blake because she saw a 'spider' the shape of her bow/cat ears. While every was doing their thing (either being unconscious or reading), Ruby Google Translated what Blake made her say, as well as what Blake said. By now, Yang woke up and just stared at the scene taking place. The only sane/not-murder-crazy/horribly injured members of Team RWBY were about to step in when Ruby's bat broke over Blake's skull. Ruby just huffed in annoyance and started walking towards the door,

"Um... where  _did_ you get the baseball bat?" Weiss asked fearfully,

"The same place where I got the  _GOLF CLUBS_!" Ruby answered angrily as she grabbed a duffel bag full of them. Shiny and ready to go,

"Help. Me." Blake begged quietly. She turned and saw that Weiss & Yang were gone, 'You fucking cockbites.' Blake thought angrily as she stared at the Doom wielding a golf club, "Ha-Have mer-mer-mer-mer-" She couldn't get the words out of her mouth. (Un)Fortunately, Ruby helped her with that problem.

"FORE!"

*WHACK!*

(One Total Fucking Beat Down and lots of bandages, painkillers and blood transfusions later...)

"Thanks a lot,  _Blake_! YOU RUINED MY GOLF CLUB COLLECTION!" Ruby yelled at the cat girl, while throwing away a heavily dented golf club, all in the shape of Blake's head, and even a little bloody here and there,

"...Yeah, you're right. It's  _my_ fault that  _my_  head big head got in the way of  _your_ practice swings." Blake said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, which could've been clearly heard if she wasn't in a full body cast and the painkillers were going to kick in at any moment. All you could see was Blake's yellow eyes, some of her hair, her bow on top of the casting and some signatures by her team mates. One of them (across Blake's forehead) reading:

Don't mess with me, BITCH! Get well soon so I can fuck you up again!

-Love, Ruby Rose.

The 'I's have been dotted with hearts and the 'O's as smiley faces, if you were wondering.

"What did she say?" Yang quietly asked Weiss,

"Something about the fear of golf, I think?" Weiss answered before clearing her throat (AN: Joke by christopherweeblingjr), "U-Um, due to the unfortunate 'accident' that has befallen Blake Belladonna, in order for the recovery process to seem faster than it actually is, let's watch some Red vs Blue." A quick glare from Ruby, Yang sighed and started setting up everything while Weiss was using her Glyphs to make ice packs. It pays to be prepared, right? After putting Blake on a wheelchair and everyone sitting in their chairs, Blake (using her head, helped by Yang. Ruby made her do it) pressed play (after hitting every other button).

**(Joy of Toggling)**

_Camera pans down to Doc and Grif talking outside Red Base_.

 **Doc:**  So he was shot in the head...

"They're probably are talking about Sarge." Blake said,

"Seriously, what the fuck is she saying?"

"Shut up, Yang." Weiss whispered back.

 **Grif:**  Right.

 **Doc:**  ...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

 **Grif:**  Exactly.

 **Doc:**  Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

"WHAT?!" The RWBYs yelled out, before settling down,

"Want to test that theory?" Ruby asked while holding up one of the dented golf clubs,

"NO!" the rest of them yelled out automatically, with Blake crying.

 **Grif:**  That's what I said.

 **Doc:**  Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

"That's because he's dumb enough to think that's it'll heal him." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong.

 **Sarge:**  Grif! Yer supposed to be watching the prisoner, not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!

 **Grif:**  Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

"Oh... looks like Grif made a friend." Yang said, only to be glared at by Ruby.

 **Simmons:**  Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

 **Grif:**  Hey thanks, kiss-ass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you.

"BURNED!" (Yang)

*Smash* (Rock to blonde skull)

 **Donut:**  Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.

"That's what I said..." Yang muttered as she rubbed her forehead, 'Where the fuck did she get that rock?'

 **Simmons:**  Oh shut up, your armour's pink.

 **Doc:**  Uh, hey, guys? I-I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends.. uh, we're just talking. That's it. ( _to Grif_ ) Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

 **Grif:**  ...

"I think he doesn't." Blake muttered, making it even harder to understand her.

 **Doc:**  It's only because no one likes you.

 **Grif:**  ...

 **Doc:**  Stop staring at me.

_Camera zooms through the gulch, revealing Sheila still in the middle of it, then ends on Church and Tucker behind Blue Base._

**Tucker:**  Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

 **Church:**  Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess.  _(clears throat)_  Alright. Stand back.  _(Tucker takes a step back)_ Huhrur...! Heeungh...! Hoom...!

"It sounds like he's having an orgasm." Ruby said,

"Or at least trying." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Anything?

 **Church:**  Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.

 **Tucker:**  Maybe there's a button on you somewhere...

 **Church:**  See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Huroor...! Oh! Hey!

 **Tucker:**  Found it?

 **Church:**  Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

 **Tucker:** What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing. ( _as Tucker talks, Caboose passes through the entrance of the base_ )

"It's probably in Celsius." Weiss said. Blake narrowed her eyes as looked where Caboose was. He looked awfully in a hurry.

 **Church:**  Celsius, Tucker.

 **Tucker:**  Oh come on, dude, Celsius sucks. ( _kneels down and looks at Church_ ) Hey, I found something.

 **Church:**  Oh yeah? You found a button?

 **Tucker:**  Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

"I was kinda expecting a switch to be... bigger." Yang said as she squinted,

"It's not the size that counts. It what it does." Weiss said. Suddenly, the RWBYs shivered as they heard someone say 'Bow Chicka Bow Wow'. Blake was trying to get out of her wheelchair, only to fall flat on her face,

"Ow." Yang sighed as she put her mummified partner back in her place.

 **Church:**  Well, give it a flip.

 **Tucker:**  I don't wanna flip it.

 **Church:**  What's the problem?

 **Tucker:**  It's in a weird place.

 **Church:**  Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

 **Tucker:**  You flip it.

 **Church:**  These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there.

By now, Weiss, Yang & Blake were blushing at the amount of innuendo in Church and Tucker's words, while Ruby didn't understand. But Blake was blushing a little bit more.

 **Tucker:**  What about Caboose?

 **Church:**  Oh man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

 **Tucker:**  Oh man...

 **Church:**  C'm-Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner.

 **Tucker:**  ( _kneels down and tries to flip the switch_ ) It won't move, it's stuck.

 **Church:**  Did you try wiggling it?

'Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm.' Blake thought, really trying not to get aroused. She was losing, 'Shit, the painkillers! Oh god...'

 **Tucker:**  No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

 **Church:**  Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.

_Tucker kneels back down._

**Church:**  ... So, you from around here, baby?

The RWBYs noticed that Blake was rocking in her wheelchair and screaming, like she was trying to get out of the cast, "Blake, why are doing that? Do you want me to get the bowling balls?" Ruby threatened,

"Mph mph-er mph-er-bath!" Blake screamed out through her cast (Translation: I need to masturbate.),

"Uh... what?" Weiss said,

"Mph-er-bath! Mph mph-ie mph mhpe mph-er-bath! Mph-ly!" (Translation: Masturbate! I really need to masturbate! Badly!)

"I think we should ignore her for now." Yang suggested, not knowing that Blake will be in that cast for the entire season. Luckily, Faunas were fast healers,

"Took the words out of my mouth." Ruby said, before punching her, "NEVER DO THAT!"

 **Tucker:**  Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.

 **Church:**  Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

 **Tucker:**  I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

'Please, for the love of god let me out before the end of the week." Blake thought desperately.

 **Church:**  You obviously did not know Tex that well.

 _Tucker kneels back down and flips the switch and a beeping noise_  starts.

'That doesn't sound good.' Weiss thought, 'Please don't tell me the Reds did something really stu-actually, I'm curious what stupid thing they did.'

 **Tucker:**  There! Anything?

 **Church:**  Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?

 _Cut to the Reds_.

 **Sarge:**  Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

"Mphh maph mayph!" (Translation: PLEASE SAY RAPE!)

"Just ignore her..."

_The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume._

**Simmons:**  Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

 **Donut:**  How 'bout we, um, let him trade armour with uh, one of us? That would show him.

_The Warthog's headlights flash in time with the beeping_

**Warthog:**  ( _voice is warbled and slurred_ ) Warthog online. ( _the headlights flash once and remain on, and the voice is now up to speed_ ) Homing beacon activated.

"Of course..." Weiss muttered as RWY (Blake being temporarily not existing) face palmed, 'This fucking cast is really getting hot.' Blake thought furiously as she tried to break free.

 **Donut:**  Sarge, d-d-did the car just talk?

 **Sarge:**  Uh oh.

"And of course, the wonderful leader Sarge knows what's happening." Ruby muttered. After she (as in Yang) got her orange juice (without the orange colour in it), Weiss pressed play for the next episode.

**(Sweet Ride)**

_The Warthog faces the Reds and Doc_.

 **Simmons:**  Okay, I get it. You built a remote control for the jeep into Lopez.

The RWYs (AN: It's just not the same) face palmed again, 'Of course Sarge would do that.' Weiss thought.

 **Sarge:**  Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless...  _(turns to Donut)_  Hey, Pretty-in-Pink, were you messin' with my robot?

 **Donut:**  What're you asking me for?

"H-hey." Yang spoke up, "Do you think Donut is... gay?" They stopped for a second before laughing, even Blake joined in even though she  _really_ needed to relieve herself,

"W-With that grenade throw? I think he's the only good soldier in the entire canyon!" Weiss said between laughs,

"Fo-Forget I s-said anything!" Yang said before getting a hay-maker to the gut,

"What? She said to forget about it." Ruby said, not feeling sorry for what she did, "Punching certain people helps me forget. Now, what were we talking about?" Weiss, Blake & Yang just looked at each other before going back to watching.

 **Grif:**  So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?

" **ANSWER ME!** "

"NOTHING/MPH-ING!"

 **Sarge:**  Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that.

"Really manly there, Sarge." Yang muttered.

_Cut to Church, Tucker, and Caboose standing on top of Blue Base, a beeping noise is heard very faintly in the background_ _._

**Church:**  There, you hear that?

 **Tucker:**  Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

 **Church:**  No, it's just like this constant "beep beep beep" noise.

 **Tucker:**  Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything.

 **Church:**  Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

 **Tucker:**  No, I was just tryin' to be helpful.

 **Church:**  Yeah, well, you're failing.

 **Caboose:**  All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us.

 **Church and Tucker:**  ...

"Mental Note: Never invite an O'Malley-infected Caboose to a party." Ruby muttered, "Actually, don't invite anyone at all."

 **Caboose:**  Wait, you guys don't hear that?

 **Church:**  Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy.

 _Camera zooms to the Warthog with Church's words "going to drive me crazy... drive me crazy..." echoing in the background_.

 **Warthog:**   _(emits a series of beeps like the beginning of a dial-up connection)_  Drive.

"IDIOT/MPH-IOATS!" The RWBYs exclaimed, "THAT WAS THE WORST CODE EVER!"

"OF ALL TIME!" Yang added, only to be punched,

"NEVER TALK AFTER ME,  _YANG_!"

 **Sarge:**  Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.

_The Warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him. He lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him._

**Donut:**  Hey, he's taking the jeep!

"How is he taking the jeep if they know it's being remote controlled." Blake muttered, until she realised something, "Wait... no one can understand me like Lopez. IT'S A FUCKING WARTHOG, BITCHES!"

*RUBY PWNCH!*

"FUCK!"

"Ruby! Why did you punch Blake!?" Weiss asked with anger in her voice, 'Seriously, who would try and hurt and injured person?!'

"I have a go-actually, I just kinda felt like it." Ruby answered. Weiss gave up and went back to watching.

 **Doc:**  Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!

 **Donut:**  Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

 **Simmons:**  Hey, Sarge, new rule.  _(camera shows the Reds watching the Warthog drive off into the middle of the canyon)_  How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.

"Good rule, Simmons." Yang muttered.

_Cut to the Blues. Caboose is kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still present._

"Okay, now it's starting to drive me crazy." Blake said, though no one understood her and ignored her, "I EXIST YOU KNOW! NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAST! I STARTING TO BUILD UP AND I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE!"

*Bow Chicka Bow Wow*

"OH FUCK YOU!"

 **Caboose:**  I see a switch down here.  _(whispers_   _loudly)_  It's not very big.

"But the trouble it causes..." Weiss muttered before shivering again, 'Is there Porn Ghost in Beacon, because I swear I keep hearing someone say Bow Chicka Bow Wow.'

 **Tucker:**  Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

 **Church:**  Wait, stop.

 **Warthog:**   _(in background_ ,  _in the middle of the canyon, emits its series of beeps)_  Stop.  _(stops moving)_

 **Church:**  Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?

 **Caboose:**  Uhhhhhhh...

 **Church:**  Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction.

 **Warthog:**  Turn around.  _(starts turning around)_

 **Caboose:**   _(a small metallic noise is heard)_  Oops.  _(there's the sound of electricity)_  It broke itself.

"Caboose everybody! The only person in existence to break a switch!" Yang exclaimed, only to receive a tomato to the face and a 'Boooooooooooooooooooo!'

 **Church:**  Ugh!

 _Cut to the Warthog as it finishes turning, now facing the Reds_.

 **Doc:**  Oh man, what now?

_Cut to a close up of the Reds._

**Grif:**  That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty.  _(Donut starts backing up)_

"It's not a fucking cat Grif." Blake muttered with an eye roll. Still, no response, 'I'm going to kill them all. Once I get out of this thing and do that other thing, I'm going to kill them all.'

_Cut to the Blues. Tucker and Caboose are kneeling next to Church._

**Tucker:**  Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.

 **Caboose:**  What about the blue one?

 **Tucker:**  That's your thumb, idiot.

 **Church:**  Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.

"First rule in bomb disposal: Never yank them all out." Weiss muttered, remembering that one time Cardin put a stink bomb in the girl's locker room, with buttons, wires and all that shit. Let's just say that never let Ruby defuse a bomb, 'We were trapped in there for a week.' Weiss thought as she glared at Ruby, who glared back.

 **Tucker:**  Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there.

 **Church:**  Then just yank 'em both.

 **Caboose:**   _(stands up)_  Church, if we pick the wrong one... ( _whispers_ ) You could explode.

 **Church:**  I don't care, look, just follow the red one.

_Cut to the Warthog._

**Warthog:**  Acquire target: red.

"And of course, Sarge put in a command to target himself." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:**  Uh, Sarge, y-you, you may wanna start running.  _(Donut and Simmons back away)_  Now.  _(backs away_   _also)_

 **Sarge:**  Ahhhhh fudge pumps.

"Mmm... fudge pumps..." Ruby drooled. Her drool landed on Blake's leg, making the cat mummy groan in annoyance.

_Cut to the Blues. Caboose is kneeling again._

**Tucker:**  Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... eugh, someplace else.

 **Church:**  Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.

 _Cut to the Warthog ramming Sarge into the wall of Red Base_.

"He should've just re-coloured the wires..." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Oh, I'm pinned!

 **Warthog:**   _(emits dial-up noise again)_  Eliminate red target. ( _the turret gun starts firing and getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)_

 **Grif:**  You're gonna kill him!

 **Sarge:**  What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

"That you're a senile old man that should never step foot into the army and slowly die in a retirement home?" Ruby guessed.

 **Simmons:**  Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

 **Sarge:**  No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!

"That too." Then Ruby finished her orange-less juice, "Let's take a break." Yang & Weiss gave a sigh of relief as now they got to go to the bathroom. The RWYs left the room, leaving a sexually frustrated Blake who was in desperate need of a toilet,

"MPH-ING MUFF!" (Translation: FUCKING FUCK!)

(A few minutes and one desperate & embarrassing moment later...)

"HELP ME!" Blake tried to say as she rocked in her wheelchair,

"Um... did she just-" Yang started to say, only to be interrupted by Weiss,

"Yee-eah. Someone needs to take care of her." Blake was starting to really rock as she desperately tried to say anything to her team mates,

"We'll deal with it later." Ruby said, "Right now, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WATCH!" she yelled as she pressed play.

**(Last Words)**

_The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat._

**Simmons:**  Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

 **Donut:**  You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armour.

"You know, I can't really blame him." Ruby admitted. This caused Weiss and Yang to move a little bit away from Ruby while Yang pulled Blake closer to Weiss.

_Cut to Blue Base with Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard._

**Tucker:**  Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

 _Cut to the Warthog and Sarge_.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him... he was like a son to me.

"He's a robot he programmed and built. So technically, Lopez is Sarge's son in a way." Blake pointed out, 'Still, nothing.'

 **Grif:**  I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

 **Sarge:**  No offence, Simmons. Lopez and I just... understood each other better.

 **Simmons:**  Understood? He refused to speak English!

"Sarge's fault." (Ruby)

 **Grif:**  Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

"Sarge's fault." (Blake)

 **Simmons:**  And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

"Sarge's fault." (Yang before getting gut punched, "DON'T REPEAT AFTER ME!")

 **Sarge:**  Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

 _Cut to the Blues_.

 **Tucker:**  Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three!  _(pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)_

"Finally!" Ruby said, relieved that the beeping stopped,

"Wait for it." Weiss said with her hand up.

 **Church:**  Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

"There we go." Weiss mutter as she face palmed.

 _Cut to the Warthog which stops firing_.

 **Warthog:**   _(emits its series of beeps, shutting down)_  Signal lost.

'Aw... I wanted to see him die.' Yang thought sadly, 'DAMN YOU CREATORS OF RED VS BLUE FOR ROBBING THAT FROM ME!' She suddenly got and electric shock, sparks and everything, 'FOR FUCK SAKES!'

 **Grif:**  Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

 **Sarge:**  Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

 **Simmons:**  It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

"That, or you're an asshole." Yang muttered before glancing at Ruby and mentally adding, 'Or a Bitch.'

 **Sarge:**  It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

"Taken who? A remote controlled car with a fucking machine gun?" Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  Taken who? The machine gun?

"At least I didn't say that exactly."

 **Sarge:**  Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armour, if you will.

"Yes, cracks in bullet proof armour-plating." Weiss muttered sarcastically.

 **Grif:**  What? You can't fight a machine gun.

 **Donut:**  Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armour piercing bullets using only your face.

"Thank you, Donut." Ruby said.

 **Sarge:**  And yet, he surrendered.

 **Doc:**  Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

"I think he's dealing with stress all the time." Blake muttered, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME YOU SHITS! I REALLY NEED TO GO!"

 **Grif:**  Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

 **Doc:**  Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

"Ew..." The RWBYs grimaced.

_Cut to the Blues._

**Church:**  This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

 **Caboose:**  Why don't you try walking it off?

*Face Palm* "Ow! I think it's sensitive now." Weiss muttered, not noticing the red hand print on her forehead.

 **Church:**  I can't use my legs, moron.

 **Caboose:**  Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

"Doesn't make it any better." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker:**  This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

 **Church:**  Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

"I-I... I don't know how to comment on that." Ruby admitted, speaking for her team.

 **Caboose:**  Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

Before Weiss, Yang or Blake could make their comments, Ruby said, "Nah, you don't want him to do that Caboose. I mean, sure it's cool for a while but then the blood rushes to your head and you can't make a proper sandwich to save you life."

"Uh... how did y-did you do the hand stand thing at one point when I wasn't looking?" Yang asked. Ruby answer?

*RUBY PWNCH!*

"...No." Ruby lied, "And never speak of this again." She growled as she went back to her seat (AN: Joke by snake screamer).

_Cut to the Reds._

**Simmons:**  Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

 **Doc:**  Oh, right. Sorry.  _(accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)_

"Oh! That doesn't sound good." Yang said, recovering from the hundredth gut punch today.

 **Sarge:**  Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

 **Doc:**  Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just...  _(accidentally rams Sarge again)_

"And there goes that nut." Weiss said, feeling a bit sorry for the Red Leader.

 **Sarge:**  Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

 **Doc:**  Third time's a charm?

 **Simmons:**  I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

 **Doc** : I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

 **Grif:**  Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our Sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

 **Doc:**  ... ...Really?

 **Grif and Simmons** (& the RWBYs) **:**  Get out!

_Cut to the Blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires._

**Church:**  Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

 **Tucker:**  What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

 **Church:**  No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

"Just like your mum last night." Yang said without thinking... until she realised what she just said, "... I should shut up and never say anything."

 **Caboose:**  Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

 _The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base_.

 **Church:**  Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

 **Caboose:**   _(seeing the Reds)_  Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

 **Church:**  Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyse me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

 **Simmons:**  Hey, Blues, we're here to-  _(sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church)_  What the hell are you guys doing?!

"Uh... nope. Still no comments." Ruby said before hearing her stomach growl, "Well, I guess it's time to eat.  _YANG_!"

"What?!" Yang said in an annoyed tone,

"You're cooking."

"Um... Ruby, remember what happened last time Yang cooked." Weiss reminded the Red Grimm Reaper. Honestly, she didn't remember much of that day. All she remembered was that they had to take a mandatory cooking class and then the next thing she knew was waking up in the infirmary,

"Oh..." Ruby said before pointing to Weiss, "Weiss, you're cooking."

"Well, at least I can make something editable." Weiss muttered,

" _Yang!_  You have to serve us."

"What!?" Yang exclaimed, "Don't I get to eat?"

"No way,  _bitch_. I still haven't forgiven you."

*Sigh* "One day, Ruby Rose. One day..." Yang growled as she closed the door behind her, leaving Blake to her devices.

...

...

...

...

"They forgot about me again, didn't they?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	15. Taming the Red Tiger (Nobody likes You, Nine Tenths of the Law, In Stereo when Available)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth. God I'm tired.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes others make mistakes. Sometimes it was your fault someone you love hates your guts. Sometimes, it's better to forgive & forget, move on and enjoy the little things in life.

Clearly, you haven't met Yang Xiao Long.

She didn't care if this was her sister; she just really wanted the little rascal to shut the fucking hell up. Lunch, that was a few minutes earlier, was a prime example.

(FLASHBACK!)

"My spoon is crooked!"

"I don't have a knife!"

"My chair is cold!"

"My chair is hot!"

"I want Crescent Rose to go there!"

"My napkin has a wrinkle!"

"My feet are cold!"

"Hurry up,  _Yang_!"

"My fork isn't shiny enough!"

"I want cookies! With extra milk!"

"Why are you just standing there?!"

"I wanted potato sauce!"

"I want th-oh here it is."

"I WANT MISTER FLUFFY HERE! Wait, IGNORE THAT LAST PART!"

(END FLASHBACK!)

And this was even before Ruby started eating. Yep, Yang was really trying not to knock her sister out. That's why (after several minutes in the now on-fire Emerald Forest), Yang grabbed Weiss and pushed her into a broom closet, "Alright, I feel like I'm about to explode if I don't shut Ruby up so help me Weiss!" Yang begged the heiress, going to her knees,

"Uh... isn't that Bl-" Weiss paused as she realised something, "Oh shit, we forgot about Blake." Then she face-palmed, "And didn't give her a hole to speak through or can let her eat. She's going to kill us."

"Oh, don't worry Weiss." Yang said as she stepped out of the broom closet, "I'm sure Blake won't be angry at us. Has she been ever? After we go get her, we'll have a nice lllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg laugh about this. In no way she will-"

(Several minutes later...)

"-KILL YOU TWO ASSHOLES!" Blake yelled at the scared girls with her new hole, which Weiss kindly cut out. Now she was regretting it, "YOU FUCKS!"

"S-Sorry Bl-"

"Don't you 'sorry' me, Yang." Blake growled, "YOU FUCKING LEFT ME AND IGNORED ME!" If looks can kill, well they would've been dead before they even stepped out the dorm room, "As soon as I get out this fucking cast, I swear I will..."

"Blake, look, I've made really stupid mistakes in my life. And Bitch Ruby was my biggest." This caused Weiss's and Blake's eyes widen,

"YOU CAUSED BITCH RUBY?!" They yelled at the blonde, making her look really tiny compared to them,

"S-Sorry." Yang pathetically apologized, "Bu-But she wouldn't let me watch my anime in peace."

"Wait...  _anime_?" Weiss growled, "You don't mean..."

"Beaty-Beaty Princess Knight." Yang sighed in defeat,

"Wait, what the fuck is that?" Blake asked,

"Well, Beaty-Beaty Princess Knight or Panchikikkuribon no Kishi (Translation: Punch Kick Princess Knight) is an anime about a tsudere who hates being locked up in her castle and would beat up her servants to let her anger out. One day, she then decided to escape from her castle, pose as a peasant and join and become the first female knight in the world. She learns about chivalry and honour throughout the whole anime and that all actions must be justified. It got taken down before it even made it to the first 10 episodes due to influencing many children, specifically girls, into thinking that a princess must kick everyone in the nuts and spit on them, but its manga is still going for some reason." Weiss explained while glaring at Yang, "Ruby was one of them, weren't she?"

"One, yes. Ruby's definition of a bitch is someone her beats people up because she's angry. Two, how the hell did you know about that anime?" Yang asked,

"I used to read the manga from time to time just to develop my Bitch mask." Weiss said. It was really good if you just ignore all the ruined lives Princess Jeni Talia causes. Especially considering that she always aims for the balls. Even when the target is a girl, "We need to figure out a way to get Ruby back to normal."

"Well, duh! After you  _left me_ ," Blake spat, "I've been thinking of ways to get her to snap out of it. One, we can pump all the sugar out of her blood,"

"Which will probably kill her because WE DON'T KNOW HOW!" Weiss pointed out loudly,

"Or we can go for plan B." This raised some eyebrows,

"What's plan B?" Yang asked,

"We knock Ruby out and put her in a broom closet."

"Already have it prepared." Yang said as she flipped a hidden switch. Suddenly, a chair with restraints on them rose from the ground, though Yang unwittingly activated another thing. We'll find out soon, "I have no idea how that got there though."

'I think the janitor may have something to do with it.' Blake thought as she looked at the old, something-you'll-find-in-a-rape-dungeon chair. The janitor had a very dark secret. Something that will change the RWBYs if or when they found out. But, that is definitely for another time. (AN: Not until this site gets an R-Rating or something). Anyway, WBY made a carefully thought out and complex plan to knock their leader out. When they finalised the details, they gave each other determined looks before trying to get out of the closet, only to find it locked,

"Huh?" Yang said as she turned the handle again, "Oh come on! Did Ruby do this?"

"Ah shit!" Weiss exclaimed, "When you activated the chair, it must've locked the door."

"But I got out the last time!" Yang said before pausing, "But I left the door open."

"So, you mean that we're trapped in here?" Blake said rhetorically. Yang and nodded as she banged her head on the wall, "Well... fuck."

"RUBY!" Weiss yelled as she banged on the door, "HELP! WE'RE TRAPPED! AND THERE'S SOMETHING WE HAVE TO SHOW YOU!" What they didn't know was that Ruby just listened to everything they said about knocking her out and locking her in a broom closet. Real Ruby was desperately trying to break out of the Phase and get them out. Too bad that Bitch Ruby was stronger. Real Ruby really wanted to sigh. She knew what was happening; it's just that she couldn't control it. She wanted to apologize, but she wasn't strong enough to. And, ironically, she was the only one who knew how to get her out of the Phases. She was surprised Yang never figured it out yet. She was the one that always did it. But now she was trapped within her own mind, desperately trying to find anything to get herself out. She either had to wait until the end of the week and fall asleep or do that other thing. But right now she needed her team. She needed Yang to be strong and do the impossible. But all she can do was waiting as Bitch Ruby walked away from the broom closet and started making her way to the workshop.

She needed to prepare.

(NEXT DAY!)

*DOOR-PLOSION!*

"And that's why everything can be solved by violence." Yang said smugly as she released the unloaded shell from her gauntlets. She and Weiss walked out, with the Heiress wheeling Blake, "Alright, and NOW LET'S GO KICK RUBY'S ASS!"

"CHARGE!" Blake & Weiss yelled out as they all started running towards their dorm, which was about as far away as you can guess if you saw a football field and the State of Carolina combined. When they got there, the trio were drenched with sweat (with Blake not being covered by her own) and too tired to even throw a punch at the cloaked girl. Speaking of which...

"It took you long enough to get here." Ruby said as she glared at them. Yang flinched, knowing that Ruby would punch her. She noticed there was no pain whatsoever. Instead, Yang, Blake & Weiss saw a figure sitting on a chair in ridiculously large, thick and overly decorated red armour. Not what the Reds wore, I mean fucking armour from Dark Souls and those things are  _big_ , "Now are we going to watch more or what!"

"Uh... Ruby?" Weiss asked, "W-Why are you in tha-no,  _where_ did you get that armour?"

"Well, I over heard your little talk in the broom closet, so I designed this to ensure my safety around all of you." Ruby explained. Yang sighed, knowing that she had to disassemble the Chicken Gun. Again, "Now, someone press play!"

"Why don't you do it yourself?" Blake asked. At least Ruby wasn't that bitchy to pick up the remote before,

"Uh..." Ruby said, feeling grateful that the helmet was covering her face, "JUST DO IT!"

"Make us." Yang said. She had a hunch Ruby didn't have the guts to do it.

Or the strength.

"FINE!" Ruby yelled out as she tried to move her arm, only making the armour only twitch. Blake raised an eyebrow as she saw the hulking mass not even moving an inch, Weiss was preparing for pain but Yang was laughing her heart out, "STOP LAUGHING!"

"Huh?" Weiss said as she opened her eyes. It looked like Ruby wasn't doing anything. Then she figured it out and bit her tongue to stop herself laughing, "Are you... stuck?"

"NO I AM NOT!" Ruby yelled in rage, hoping that her anger will give her strength. But this caused her team to laugh at her helmet, 'When I get out of here...'

"A-A-Alright." Yang finally said, though she still giggled here and there, "Let's see what Reds & Blues are up to." Weiss put Blake next to Ruby before sitting next to Yang, "Let's go!" Yang then pressed play.

**(Nobody likes You)**

_Simmons is looking up at the Blues on top of their base._

**Simmons:**  What the hell are you guys doing!?

Ruby still didn't know why the girls were blushing, "Why are you all blushing? All Tucker is doing is crouching in front of Church." The girls decided to stay quiet, leaving Ruby to just go 'hmp'.

 **Tucker:**   _(stands up)_  Aw crap, the Reds are here.

 **Church:**  What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs.

'He did say something, you ass.' Weiss thought.

 **Grif:**  What were you doing down there?

 **Tucker:**  Nothing. What're you talking about?

 **Caboose:**   _(from the back)_  We were just playing a game!

 **Church:**  Hey, Caboose, we'll handle this.

 **Grif:**  What in the hell is going on at this base?

 **Doc:**  I told you these guys're weird.

"'Weird' is an understatement." Blake muttered, "Being idiots, however, is an overstatement."

 **Church:**  Whaddaya want, Reds? Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya!

"YOUR TEAM CAN'T EVEN HIT THE RIGHT TEAM!" Ruby complained.

 **Grif:**  Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?

 **Church:**   _(tries to turn around, fails miserably)_  Uhgh... no.

 **Grif:**  Yeah I didn't think so. Punk.

"Them fightin' words." Yang said in a western accent, glad that she can joke around again.

 **Simmons:**  Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner.

 **Tucker:**  Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.

"Seriously, it's better to have medic than guns." Blake muttered.

 **Church:**  Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one.

"They're fucking treating prisoners like toys." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:**  Hey, dude, what is your problem?

 **Simmons:**  Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?

"Apparently, Yang's didn't." Ruby said without a second thought. This caused Weiss, Blake and Real Ruby to wince, 'This is going to bad.' Real Ruby thought,

"What?" Yang growled, feeling her hair starting the set alight,

"That's right! Your parents must really suck if you turned out like this. Some barbaric bitch that looks like a whore." Ruby replied, 'Now that I hit a nerve, she'll rip off all this armour. Then I get to pu-' Her thoughts were cut off when Yang ripped off her helmet, letting her silver eyes meet bloodshot, red ones. Ruby glared at her, but in the inside she felt something she hasn't felt for a long time. Fear. When Yang had ripped off the upperparts of the armour, Ruby threw a punch, only for it to be caught,

"Shut. The Fuck. Up." Yang growled animalistically, "I can't take it anymore! You,  _sis_ , ARE A COMPLETE FUCKING SPOILED JACKASS, YOU WORTHLESS ABUSING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!" The others had already backed away as Yang was starting to burn the ground around her, like it was shielding them from the issuing chaos,

"HOW DARE YOU!" Ruby yelled at her sister as she used her free arm to land a right hook. Yang looked unfazed. It just caused the flames around her to grow even wilder. Ruby tried going for a second one but Yang caught it this time. Ruby's eyes widened before shifting back into its glare. She was not going to let her win. Even if she was pissing herself right now,

"Now listen, and you better listen good you bitch." Yang said, resisting to head-butt the girl into oblivion, "Stop acting like a psycho or I swear I won't. Hold. Back." Yang spat out, with her head getting closer to Ruby's face with each word. Ruby could literally feel the armour starting to melt around her,

"Pfft, you don't scare me." Ruby said with the bravest face she could muster, "Do you worst." This only made Yang smirk,

"Really? Well, I could always..." Yang then leaned into Ruby's ear and started whispering. Blake & Weiss didn't hear but they did notice Ruby's eyes had shrunken before widening to the size of one of those large CostCo pizzas (AN: I mean, have you seen them!? A slice takes up the whole fucking plate!). When Yang was done, Ruby was shivering and was about as pale as a ghost. Or Weiss' clothes. Maybe even Casper the Friendly Ghost. Whatever you prefer,

"You can do all that with a shotgun shell?" Ruby asked fearfully,

"And lots more with some dominos and a mix tape." Yang simply answered before summoning the flames away and going back to normal. She knew she done her job right, "Now, will you be a good little girl?"

"Y-Y-Yes," Ruby stuttered, "Mistress." 'Doesn't mean I can't complain.'

"Good." Yang said as she sat on her seat. Weiss and Blake looked at each other but decided it was for the best for their mental sanity and the way they look at the blonde by not asking (AN: Iron-Mantis, my friends!).

 **Caboose:**   _(from back)_  He's shy!

 **Church:**   _(to Caboose)_  Shut up.  _(to the Reds)_  Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of somethin'... kinda private over here.

Weiss thought of a good mama joke, but decided to keep it for herself. She didn't want more drama in her life. She felt like her life will always be another story to put into the Schnee Archives. That, or on the internet where everyone can bitch at her.

 **Grif:**  That's sad. He is shy.

 **Simmons:**  Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.

_Grif and Doc start heading back to Red Base._

**Tucker:**  We won't.

 **Grif:**  Last chance.

 **Church:**  Beat it, Reds!

 **Grif:**  Alright, we're goin', we're goin'!

_Grif, Doc, and Simmons reassemble over a hill._

**Grif:**  Man, I thought our team was obnoxious, but those guys are really rude.

"I don't think obnoxious is the right word." Ruby muttered.

 _Doc turns and starts toward Red Base_.

 **Simmons:**  Whoa, wai- hey, whoa, where do you think you're goin'?

 **Doc:**   _(stopping)_  Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there...

 **Grif:**  Heh, yeah, I don't think so.

 **Doc:**  What? You're not just gonna leave me out here in the middle of nowhere... by myself?

"You can literally walk to each base! It doesn't look that far! Guys are fucking lazy." Ruby complained. It was starting to get on some nerves, but they were happy that Ruby was acting more like a bitch than an abusive parent. Weiss should know.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah. That's kinda the general idea.

 **Doc:**  Not you too, right, Grif? Old buddy? Huh?

 **Grif:**  Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm gonna make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

 **Doc:**  ...

"Deja vu, anyone?" Yang said.

 _Cut to Blue Base_.

 **Church:**  What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening!

 **Tucker:**  I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle...

 **Church:**  Uh, Tucker, you might wanna look behind you.

_Tucker turns around and sees Caboose with the sniper rifle._

"And thus, the Sniper Rifle escapes the Teal Pervert: Tucker once again." Yang said in an accent from one of those nature shows, "Or is it Aqua? Bluish-Green? Ah, fuck it."

 **Tucker:**  Mother fucker!

 **Caboose:**  Uh, ooo Church, Church! Okay, I s-I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uhhh... but the purple one is...

 **O'Malley:**  I think he's going to attack.

"Still creeps me out." Weiss said, 'Seriously, HOW HAVE THEY NOT NOTICED YET!?'

 **Church:**  Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic.

 **Tucker:**  He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest.

 **Church** (& Weiss) **:**  Pacifist.

"FUCK!"

 **Tucker:**  Ahhh, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

 **Church:**  Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick.

"Yes, leaving someone out to die in the middle of a box canyon is the perfect plan to get a fucking flag." Ruby said sarcastically.

 **Caboose:**  I'll bet they've used some kind of brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans... and also the schemes...

 _Camera view changes to looking through the scope of the sniper rifle_.

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, that is ridiculous.

 **Caboose:**  Is it? Or is it so ridiculous,  _(scope zooms in on Tucker's face)_  it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

"Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!" Yang couldn't resist.

 **Tucker:**  No, just the regular kinda ridiculous.

_Normal view resumes._

**Church:**  Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get into our base.

 **Doc:**   _(from afar)_  Hey, guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?

"Plan of a Mastermind." Weiss muttered.

 **Caboose:**  I knew it! We're all gonna die!

 **O'Malley:**   _(aiming at the back of Tucker's head)_  Starting with you.

"He really hates Tucker, doesn't he?" Blake said. The others answered in a nod.

 **Tucker:**  Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away... or something.

 **Doc:**  Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighbourhood too well, and-

 **Church:**  Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine.

 **Doc:**  Hey, uh, I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!

 **Church:**  Just... get outta here! And tell your buddies the Reds that their little "plan" failed.

 **Doc:**  ...Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this.

"Wait, wait, wait." Weiss said, "Hold on. He  _failed_  medical school?! And he's a military  _medic_?!"

"I think he meant he failed  _on purpose_!" Blake pointed out,

"If I ever meet this guy, or even the actor who plays him, I'm going to (This part is censored for your safety and well being. As well as not catching on the many swear words of Vytal) with a USB!" The others looked at her in amazement. She just listed 101 torture methods with just the use of stupid crap. Weiss just grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Nine Tenths of the Law)**

_Opening shot of the sun over Blood Gulch. It slides down to reveal Sarge and Donut watching over the canyon from Red Base_.

 **Donut:**  So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. ( _whistles casually_ ) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armour?

"I have a feeling Donut is the Caboose of the Reds." Blake spoke up. The others couldn't help but agree.

 _Simmons comes up the ramp behind them_.

 **Simmons:**  Hey, we're back!

_Sarge and Donut turn around._

**Donut:**  Oh man, am I glad to see you guys! Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously.

"I don't even think he even listened to himself." Ruby muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?

_Grif runs up and stands next to Simmons._

**Simmons:**   _(sighs)_  Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the Blues were doing something, REALLY weird and then w-

 **Grif:**  Really weird! And they were rude!

"Aren't they supposed to hate each other?" Blake pointed out,

"Because of their armour colour?" Ruby said, "Great reason, Blake. Great reason." Blake just sighed in response.

 **Simmons:**  Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.

 **Grif:**  ( _half heartedly_ ) Excuse me! Go ahead!

 **Simmons:**  ( _to Sarge_ ) Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird.

"That is a couple of weirds too many." Yang muttered.

 **Grif:**  You're not telling it right.

 **Simmons:**  Okay, fine, how do you remember it?

 **Grif:**  Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details.

 **Simmons:**  ANYWAY, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.

_Camera zooms in on Sarge._

**Sarge:**  Why those cunning, blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?

 **Grif:**  It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.

"Wow." Blake had to admit that was a bit impressive. She didn't see him take the wallet. Though, it could've been the game's limitations.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.

 **Grif:**  Really, sir?

Weiss wasn't even going to say it.

 **Sarge:**  Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!

 _Cut to the Blues_.

 **Church:**  Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working, here.

 **Tucker:**  I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.

'Please, please, please, please...' Yang thought frantically. Ruby saw this and groaned,

'Yang and her fetishes...' She thought.

 **Church:**  Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senior El Roboto and Tex.

 **Caboose:**  Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, dead people usually are.

 **Church:** Quite frankly, Tucker, I find your attitude offensive.

 **Caboose:**  What about that Lopez person? Is he available?

 **Church:**  No. I'm in his body, remember?

 **Caboose:**  Well, why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!

"Wait, what?" The RWBYs said in unison,

"Did he just..." (Ruby)

"Uh..." (Weiss)

"..." (Blake)

"I read somewhere that someone married a wall, but this is just ridiculous." (Yang)

 **Tucker:**  Girlfriend?

 **Church:**  What're you, a retard?

 **Caboose** : I-I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and ah, the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me (*Face Palm*), uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.

 **Tucker:**  I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea.

"Yeah..." The blonde said.

 **Church:**  I know...

 **Tucker:**  But Caboose said it.

 **Church:**  I know!

 _Tucker hits Church with his pistol_.

"Oh! That did not sound pretty." Yang winced,

"Uh... isn't it supposed to be the other way around?" Weiss asked before pausing, "Screw it, if it's a chance to punch Church, I'll take it."

 **Church:**  Ow! What the hell was that for?!

 **Tucker:**  I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming. So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.

 **Church:**  Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!

 **Tucker:**  Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

 **Church:**  If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!

"Probably might mess with Lopez's central systems." Blake said.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, yeah, yeah...

 **Church:**  Let's try this. I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?

 **Tucker and Caboose:**  Okay, Church.

 **Church:**  ( _clears throat_ ) Alright, here's goes nothing. Hegerkerker. ( _Church leaves Lopez's body_ )

 **Tucker:**  You know, I have to hand it to you, Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea.

"You know, that actually sounds like he respects Caboose." Weiss pointed out,

"Even after killing Church, destroying that tank and killing Church again." Blake added in.

 **Caboose:**  Aw, thanks, man. It was nothing. ( _Lopez looks around, apparently confused_ )

 **Tucker:**  No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about. ( _Lopez turns around and runs off the base_ )

"You know, I kinda expect that." Ruby admitted.

 **Caboose:**  You know, I just enjoy the process.

 **Church:**  ( _back to being a ghost_ ) Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels... kinda loosey goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?

 **Tucker:**  What do you care about you body, you can't even move your- ( _turns around to see Lopez running away_ ) Oh hey, look, your legs work!

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **O'Malley:**  ( _holding up the sniper rifle_ ) This one is mine! ( _he shoots_ )

 **Church:**  Hey, Caboose! Whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there. ( _he fades away_ )

 **Tucker:**  There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?

 **Caboose:**  But Church said so-

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, but Church didn't think of THIS! ( _he throws a grenade through the teleporter_ ) Come on, lets go. ( _he runs off the base_ )

"That was pretty smart, considering the chance that Tucker & Caboose might get another delayed teleportation." Blake stated. Weiss still groaned, 'Seriously, we don't even know what Purple Dust does! But no... It can benefit the world, they said, change our way of life. Schnee Scientists are idiots.'

 _Cut to Lopez near the teleporter's exit_.  _Church appears in front of him_.

 **Church:**  Alright, hold it right there, amigo.

 _The grenade comes out the teleporter exit_.

 **Lopez:**  Mira, que cosa mas fina. _(runs away_ )

"And... it failed." Yang said.

 **Church:**  Hey, I said hold it not run away! You big... robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade. ...Ah crap. ( _it explodes_ )

 _Cut to the explosion being seen from Red Base through a sniper held by Grif. Cut to normal view of Grif with Simmons standing next to him while Sarge approaches them_.

 **Sarge:**  What in Sam Hell is going on out there, Grif?

 **Grif:**  Sir, I think we're under attack. A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.

"Says the guy who didn't bring ammo." Ruby muttered.

 **Sarge:**  How many do you see?

 _Scope view of Tucker and Caboose running toward them_.

 **Grif:**  There's two coming our way and another one seems to be...  _(sees Lopez)_  ...retreating?

_Cut to normal view of the Reds._

**Sarge:**  Oh, we'll give them all the reason to retreat. Saddle up, Simmons. Let's go rope us some blue steer!

"Definitely from the south." Yang muttered, only to get punched in the gut by some invisible force. Yang didn't even bother, 'Really gotta be careful with my words.'

 **Simmons:**  Woohoo!

_Simmons and Sarge run off the base._

**Simmons:**  Alright, yeah!

 **Sarge:**  Yeah, woohoo, let's go! Alright!

 **Simmons:**  Let's do it!

 _Donut stands next to Grif_.

 **Donut:**  So, just you and me hanging out at the base... That's cool!

 **Grif:**  Shut up, rookie.

 **Donut:**  Do you think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together. We talked about all kinds of stuff...

"I don't think it was that great." Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**   _(while Donut babbles, most of his lines overlap)_  Oh my god. I'm not gonna be listening to this all day long.

 **Donut:**  He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating-

 **Grif:**  Are you ever going to SHUT UP?

 **Donut:**  -we made macrame ideas-

 **Grif:**  Jesus Christ!

 **Donut:**  -we shared recipes for soufflés. Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings-

"For the love of god, shut up Donut!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Grif:**   _(exhasperated sigh)_  Ugh... god...

 **Donut:**  -and then we also discussed what it was like to be the loner in high school-

 **Grif:**  Jesus Christ... You've got to be kidding me. Oh man... I don't  _wanna listen to this_...

 **Donut:**  -and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time! I mean, Sarge is a really neat person and we talked about his dream the other night where he dreamed that, uh... some shit happened.

"SHUT UP!"

 **Grif:**  Why me?

"Fuck it, hurry up and start the next one. I want to get Donut out of my head." Ruby ordered. Yang agreed and started the next episode.

**(In Stereo when Available)**

_Sarge gets in the Warthog's driver's seat, Simmons mans the turret gun._

**Simmons:**  Alright, hit it!

 _Cut to Sheila who the Reds drive past. Cut to Church coughing_   _from the smoke caused by the grenade exploding._

"The fuck?!" Blake exclaimed, "He's dead! Why is he coughing?!"

 **Church:**  What the he-?  _(cough)_  Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? ...And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.

_The Warthog flies over him._

**Sarge:**  Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!

 _Church backs away_.

 **Simmons:**  Hey, Sarge,  _(leaping from the Warthog)_  hold on a sec!  _(Warthog comes to a stop)_  Did you see something weird, Sarge? ( _Sarge exits the jeep_ )

 **Sarge:**  Yes, I did. Once, when I was a small child, I saw a man, who  _claimed_  to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to thi-

The RWBYs just leaned away from the TV, feeling slightly disturbed.

...Okay, that was and understatement.

 **Simmons:**  Whoa whoa whoa, I meant did you see something weird just now. Like five seconds ago.

 **Sarge:**  Oh. Then no.

 **Simmons:**  What was all that stuff about your uncle?

 **Sarge:**  I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!

"He definitely had uncle issues." Weiss said. Though, she was curious. What did Sarge's uncle do with a hose?

 **Simmons:**  ...You wanna talk about it?

 **Sarge:**  Just get back in the damn jeep.  _(he gets back in)_

_Cut to Tucker and Caboose approaching Lopez and aiming their weapons at him._

**Tucker:**  Hold it right there, ambre! ( _to Caboose_ ) I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work! Church is gonna be so impressed.

"Definitely after you practically blew him up." Ruby said with sarcasm literally dripping from her voice.

 **Caboose:**  And Sheila will love me again, and this time for who I am and not just for my stunning good looks. But for those too.

"I think this beats Yang's obsession." Blake whispered to Weiss,

"You think?"

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  Damn these blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.

 **O'Malley:**   _(to Lopez)_  Your soul is a cavern of lies!

 **Tucker:**  What the hell are you two talking about?

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged—

 **Tucker:**  Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank.

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house.

'Okay, that reminds me of something.' Blake thought. She just couldn't remember where.

_Cut to Lopez's POV/HUD. SAP can be seen in the upper right corner of his visor. In the middle of his visor, red text appears:_

_PRIMARY OBJECTIVES:  
_ _FIX EVERYTHING  
_ _HATE THE ORANGE ONE  
_ _CALL MOM MORE OFTEN_

"Wait, if Sarge is the father, who's the mother?" Ruby asked,

"The wrench." Weiss answered sarcastically, "That what gave him his nuts."

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment.  _(back to normal view, Lopez continues talking)_

Blake was sure she read that somewhere but for the life of her, she couldn't remember.

 **Tucker:**  Man, I thought Church talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?

 **Caboose:**  Um, Tucker I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now!  _(whispering loudly, clearly panicky)_  The fast running!

"I don't even understand 50% of what he said." Weiss said.

 **Tucker:**   _(sees the Reds off screen)_  Oh crap!

 _Cut to Simmons manning the Warthog's turret_.

 **Sarge:**  Hold your fire there, Simmons. This is payback time.

 **Simmons:**  Go for it, sir!

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker._

**Tucker:**  That's right, we're just casually strolling away.  _(he starts backing up)_  No cause for concern...

 **Caboose:**  Running time!  _(he runs away)_

 **Tucker:**  Nice and casual! Moron!  _(the two run around in circles_   _before they are able to orient themselves, then they head toward Blue Base)_

"Grade-A soldiers here, people!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Lopez:**   _(watching them run) (in Spanish, captioned)_  Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs. Be it known that the great Lopez has won this day and...

 _Cut to the Warthog driving toward Lopez_.

 **Simmons:**  Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge!

"Great, they think Lopez is Church thanks to the armour colour." Ruby said, "THANK YOU RED & BLUE COMMANDS FOR MAKING THEM LOOK LIKE ROBOTS!"

 **Sarge:**  Way ahead of ya, Simmons!

 **Lopez:**   _(turns around) (in Spanish, captioned)_  What is happening?

_Cut to Lopez's HUD, a beeping noise starts as red text appears in the middle of his visor: SYSTEM OVERRIDE PROTOCOL. REMOTE DESTRUCT SEQUENCE_

"Oh god no." Yang said, 'Let the Warthog survive.'

 **Lopez:**   _(with his HUD still displayed) (in Spanish, captioned)_  You have given me no choice.

_The HUD changes text to read: ACTIVATED_

**Simmons:**  We've got you now, you blue bastard!

_Cut to a zoom in of Lopez._

**Simmons:**  Hey, Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?

_Cut to the Warthog exploding just before reaching Lopez. It launches into the air, flipping over backward twice before landing. Cut to Caboose and Tucker running up to Lopez._

"I ALREADY MISS IT!" Yang cried. She was trying to cry on Weiss shoulder but she was ready. She quickly switched herself with Blake and let the two collide. If Blake wasn't in pain, well she was now.

 **Lopez:**   _(speaking to Sarge, in Spanish, captioned)_  I'm sorry, father.

"And now Lopez feels betrayed." Ruby said.

 **Tucker:**  Alright! Not bad, robot dude!

 **Caboose:**  I knew he would save us. I knew it! Robot people always like me. ..It's because of my awesome dancing.

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me what you will...

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, okay, man. Can you just shut up and fix our tank?

_Fade to Blake. Music plays._

**Caboose:** Dancing time!  _(makes noises along with the music)_

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow.  _(referring to Caboose)_  Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing? Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot?  _(pause)_  They do not. I am offended by this.

"Well, that ends that." Yang said as she got off Blake and stretched. Then she noticed something and took a sniff, "Oh my GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!"

"What are ta-OH GOD!" Ruby said, feeling a bit of vomit in her throat but swallowing it back down, "It smells like a hobo with one leg! Where is it coming from?!"

"I think its Blake." Weiss said as she pinched her nose. Even with her broken nose, she could smell everything. From all the sweat to the tears full of regret and murder intent. And she's only been in this cast for at least 2 hours or so. Suddenly, she felt her wheelchair move. Yang grabbed the handles and started pushing Blake to their bathroom, threw the poor girl into the bath tub and turned on the hot water,

"Tell me when you're done, Pussy Cat so I can replace the bandages." Yang told her as she walked out the door and slammed it shut, leaving Blake to be pelted by steaming hot water in her face and a bar of soap in her mouth. And since her hidden fangs were digging into it, she couldn't spit it out.

This really wasn't Blake's day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	16. Plot Twist (Radar Love, I Dream Of Meanie, Room For Rent)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by RT.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"How long has Blake been in the shower?" Weiss asked the fiery blonde,

"Um… about 3 hours." Yang answered as she checked the clock,

" _Yang_ , have you even considered that Blake is in a  _cast_?" Ruby asked, annoyed that they couldn't watch the rest of the episodes until Blake got out,

"Oh sure I d-" Yang then stopped herself before she ran to the bathroom, "OH SHIT!" When she got there, she saw that Blake's head was exposed, the head part of the cast now just pulp, and the cat girl's face being extremely red. Yang quickly turned off the water, took out what was left of the bar of soap that was in her mouth and dragged her out of the shower, 'Fuck, I really messed up!'

"Y-Yang?" Blake said as she opened her eyes. Everything was blurry but she could clearly see her partner in front of her. Her head was spinning she felt like she had been in boiling water for hours, "I-I-Is that you?"

"Yes." Yang said as she hugged her, "I'm so sorry Blake for leaving you alone… again."

"Yang, come closer…" Blake said in a raspy voice. Yang hesitated, remembering what happened last time she did it but she did anyway, it looked like the Fauna was suffering heat exhaustion and that she might be dying. So went closer…

And closer…

And closer…

And closer…

And closer…

And closer…

"FUCK YOU, YANG!"

(Several hours later…)

"Alright, it's been hours now! I'm going in!" Ruby declared as she activated Crescent Rose & Ember Cecilia,

"Aren't those Yang's?" Weiss stated rather than asked,

"Borrowed them." Weiss was about to ask how she 'borrowed' the golden gauntlets without Yang knowing (considering that they were around Yang's wrists at the time) when the door flew open, revealing Blake Belladonna in her wheelchair. Her cast was now clean and even her arms were free now so now she didn't need anyone else to help her move around. Though, her torso and legs were still pretty broken and bruised. The Leader & her second-in-command stared at the cat girl as Blake gave them a calm look,

"Hey." Blake said in a cool voice as she made her way to her spot, "Did I miss anything?" The question snapped Weiss out of her shock and looked at Blake,

"Blake, where's Yang?" Weiss asked, pretty much afraid of the answer. It was proven correct as Yang walked into the room, shivering like she was delivering Christmas presents in just a Santa bikini (Which actually happened that one time back at Vale. Don't ask), "What happened to you?" Yang was about to answer truthfully but saw Blake using her cat glare on her. After having (another) death experience, Yang decided to keep it a secret for as long as possible until she was on her death bed,

"I-I fell! That's it, I fell down some stairs! Classic Yang." Yang lied as she bopped herself on the head while sticking out her tongue. Ruby & Weiss looked at each other before silently telling each other that some things are better left unsaid, "Anyway, shall we watch some more Red vs Blue?"

"Finally!" Ruby exclaimed as she took her seat, "That was the smartest thing you've ever said," She said with a smile,

"Thank you, Ru-"

"Yep, definitely the smartest thing you've ever said during your worthless existence in Team RWBY." Yang sighed, 'I knew it was too good to be true.' Yang thought as she sadly went back to her seat. Weiss really wanted this phase to end so sat down, grabbed the remote and pressed play,

On the wrong episode.

**(The Last Episode Ever)**

_Grif and Donut are looking at the tombstones of Sarge & Simmons_

"Holy shit…" Yang said as the team stared at the graves in disbelief… before cheering,

"YEAH BABY! THEY'RE DEAD! THEY'RE DEAD!" Ruby yelled out as she cried on Yang's shoulder, "I couldn't handle for one more…"

"Shush… its okay. I know. I know." Yang said in a motherly tone as she patted Ruby's back while in her mind she was cheering her head off. After getting the excitement out of their systems, they decided to watch the rest, already naming their favourite episode ever. Of all time.

 **Grif:**   _(crying)_  I can't believe they're gone. I'm just so happy.

"US TOO!" Weiss exclaimed happily,

 **Donut:** God why, why? Why did you have to bury them in their beautiful, shiny, red, armour?

 **Sarge:**   _(entering from the right)_  What in Sam Hell are you two Barbies cryin' about?

"Wait, WHAT!?" The RWBYs yelled out,

"Well, there goes the rest of our celebration plans…" Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**  What the-?

 **Donut:**  Sarge, you're alive? We thought you were dead!

 **Sarge:** Nonsense, pinky-pants. I was merely napping.

"That wouldn't be surprising." Weiss muttered as well.

 **Grif:**  But how the hell did you get outta there? I tied you up and poured  _concrete_  over the grave! Just in case you turned in to a zombie.

"Isn't that a bit overboard?" Ruby asked,

"It pays to be paranoid Ruby." Blake told the cloaked girl, remembering all her fail safes and procedures for all occasions from going back to the White Fang to 'In case Yang blows up the school. Again.'

 **Sarge:**  Yes, but you made one crucial mistake. You left me my spoon.

 **Grif:**  No!

 **Sarge:**  That's right! I ate my way out. The soft earth was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me.

"Bu-But, uh, I can't, logic… wrong!" Blake tried to explain, but how can a human eat enough dirt and concrete to get out of a grave.

_A translucent Simmons materializes behind the tombstones. Cue the ominous "back from the dead" music_

She cut off her thoughts as she needed to stop herself from having another ghost-induced panic attack.

 **Simmons:**  (spooky voice) Griiiif... Donuuut... It's me, the ghost of Simmons., Iiii've come baaack with a waaarniiing...

 _The ghost of Simmons is shot many times and falls over dead... well, you know what I mean_ (AN: That's the wiki, not me)

 **Simmons:**  Huerk? Bleah.

_Donut lowers his gun_

"D-Did Donut kill a fucking ghost!?" Yang exclaimed, her brain desperately trying to process this madness folding out in front of her. The other girls just nodded their heads silently, feeling like there was more.

 **Grif:**  What the hell! You just killed Simmons' ghost!

 **Donut:**  Wrong. That wasn't Simmons, it was old man Caboose.

 **Caboose:**  That's right. It's me, Caboose!

 **O'Malley:**  And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

"This is so goddamn weird…" Weiss said as she tried to process the events happening on the TV,

"It's not that random." Ruby told her as she drank some of her milk.

_Tucker and Doc are revealed in the background... Doc's wearing a dress_

**Doc:**  Everyone, I have something to say. Tucker and I, are in love, and we're leaving!

'Not a Yaoi, not a yaoi, not a yaoi. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BLAKE, STOP BEING A TUCKER!'

 **Tucker:**  That's right. We're getting married, and there's not a damn thing any of you can do about it. Not even you, French speaking Lopez.

Cue spit take courtesy of Ruby Rose. After choking it down, Ruby had to ask, "Okay, did one of you put something in my milk when I wasn't looking?"

"I may have spit in it a little…" Yang spoke up, remembering what happened while Ruby went to get her cloaks from the washing machine while Blake was showering (apparently too precious for Yang to touch).

(FLASHBACK!)

"Is she gone?"

"Yep, she's gone Yang."

"Good. Give me the binta root." (Fun Fact: Binta root has extra fiber, helping those who have trouble going number two, especially if it's the genetically enhanced one: Devil's Root)

(FLASHBACK ENDS!)

'And when the Devil's Root starts to kick in, we wait.' Yang thought with a shit eating grin. Ruby really wanted to hit her but she really didn't want to anger Yang again, so she settled for a Death Glare of Cute™.

 **Lopez:** Zut alors, Monsieur Tucker, vous m'avez promis votre amour.

 **Caption:**  Mister Tucker, you promised your love to me.

 **Everybody** : Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

_Zooms in on the tombstones. They say: "Sarge ?-2004 He was mean and may have once drowned a snake or something" and "Simmons ?-2004 He still owes me 20 bucks and it's not like I'll just forget. What a cockbite."_

**Lopez:**  Mon dieu! Ceci est folie!

 **Caption:**  My God! This is madness!

"No  _fucking_ kidding!" Weiss exclaimed.

_Screen fades to Church standing in the base_

**Church:**  Huh? Oh, thank God. It was all a dream. All a dream. All a dreamiemiemiemiemiemiemie...

 **Lopez** : Oui, c'était un rêve horrible...

 **Caption** : Yes, it was a horrible dream...

 **Lopez:**  OU ÉTAIT IL?!

 **Caption:**  …Seriously.

The RWBYs just stared at the screen before Ruby turned it off, "All in favour of spending the rest of the day forgetting this experience say 'Aye'."

"Aye!"

"Aye!"

"WHY!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY!?" Yang yelled out as she got up and smashed through the window. The others knew Yang would be fine but it didn't hurt to look out the window. The girls looked out and after a few seconds, they heard a thud. A faint 'I'm okay!' met the girls' ears.

"So… I'm taking that as an 'Aye' then?"

"Oh yeah."

"Definitely, Ruby." (AN: christopherweeblingjr for inspiring me to do 28.5! A round of applause!)

(NEXT DAY!)

They were scared.

No, that wasn't the right word.

They were shitting their panties at the thought of watching anything like the last episode again.

But they really wanted to see more Red vs Blue.

The RWBYs cautiously took their places and looked at each other, having ear muffs, brown paper bags and duct tape on stand-by, before Blake slowly got the remote and shakily pressed play.

**(Radar Love)**

_Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base looking down at Sarge as he approaches the upside down Warthog_.

The RWBYs gave a sigh of relief, realizing the last episode wasn't canon, before getting comfortable, feeling the 3 episode groove coming into effect.

 **Grif:**  Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?

"They don't deserve her…" Yang muttered. Blake raised an eyebrow at 'her' before moving away slowly.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get into the damn thing it breaks,  _(Donut stands next to Simmons)_  or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us.

 **Donut:**  Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles. No wait, wait! A big tank like the Blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all.

_Cut to Church next to Sheila who is sending off sparks._

"Does that count as irony?" Ruby asked. The others just shrugged.

 **Church:**  Alright, that's the deal, Mister Robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free.

 **Caboose:**   _(whispering to Tucker)_  I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.

"Very secretive Caboose." Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, but you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on Caboose.

 **Caboose:**  So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?!

 **Tucker:**  Why would we trick you?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, I think you know.

 **Lopez:** _(in Spanish, captioned)_  Where will I go? Even my friends have tried to kill me.

"You know, if Shelia didn't shoot Church, none of this would've happened." Weiss pointed out,

"It's not her fault! It's her programming!" Yang tried to defend,

"So basically, Shelia's fault." Ruby simplified, "Great comeback,  _Blondie_." Said Blondie just sighed.

 **Church:**  Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes and let you get busy with the tank fixing.

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_ I have no home.

 _Cut to the Reds gathered around the Warthog.Pan up to Grif on top_   _of it looking through a sniper rifle._

 **Grif:**  Aw crap. Hey, uh, they got a guy fixing their tank.

 **Sarge:**  Impossible! Our Intelligence clearly states-

 **Donut** (& Weiss) **:**  We (/They) have intelligence?

'Mental note: Shut the fuck up, Weiss.' Weiss thought as the others giggled a bit.

 **Sarge:**  -that the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead Freelancer and Lopez. Oh wait a minute!

 **Simmons:**  Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Blue Team?

"What? The Blues constructed some kind of  _diabolical_  mind control ray beam that they used on Lopez to do their  _evil_  Blue bidding?" Yang said sarcastically in Sarge's accent,

 **Sarge:**  Yes, Simmons, I am. Quite obviously, the Blue Team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil Blue bidding!

"Ain't so funny when it happens to you, huh?" Weiss taunted. Yang just glared at the princess, "Keep on looking me with those scary eyes… bitch."

 **Grif:**   _(hops off the Warthog)_  Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

"Probably the most logical reason." Blake muttered, 'But way off.'

 **Donut:**  Or maybe that Blue guy who got killed by the tank came back as a ghost, and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner. The Blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.

 **Grif, Simmons, and Sarge:**  ...

"Okay, I know that's true but even I find that hard to believe." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  I think I like the ray beam idea better.

 **Grif:**  Yeah-heh, rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb.

 _Cut to the Blues watching Lopez fix Sheila. Caboose is hopping up and down_.

 **Caboose:**  Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank!  _(stops hopping)_  So that I can say hello to Sheila.

 **O'Malley:**   _(close up of Caboose's visor)_  And start killing everyone!

'Still creepy as hell.' Blake thought. If Tex was still alive, maybe they could capture it…

 **Tucker:**  You mean all the Reds, right?

 **Caboose:**   _(perky)_  Of course!

 **O'Malley:**  For starters...

 **Church:**  Come on, how much longer, Lopez?

 **Lopez:** Completo.  _(steps off as the tank starts)_

"I LOVE YOU LOPEZ!" Yang exclaimed. Ruby was prepared to use her emergency frying pan on her but was stopped by the others, who have already given into Yang's obsession.

 **Sheila:**  Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

 **Caboose:**  Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!

 **Sheila:**  Hello, Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

The RWBYs had to stop themselves from laughing. 'Caboose' and 'Repair' shouldn't belong in one sentence. 'Caboose' and 'Destroy/Destruction/Kill' however…

 **Tucker:**  He didn't fix you. Our robot did it.

 **O'Malley:**  Don't cock block me!

"Wh-Where would he put 'it'?" Yang asked out of curiosity. Blake & Weiss just blushed while Ruby was wondering what 'Cock-Block' was, 'A Chicken Shield?'

 **Tucker:**  Dude, come on.

 **Sheila:**  Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot.

 _Lopez and Sheila slowly make eye contact, romantic harp_   _music plays._

 **Caboose:**  I don't like where this is going.

"Me too, Caboose." Yang muttered.

 **Sheila:**  Hello there. My name is Sheila. The M808V Main Battle Tank.

 **Lopez:** _(in Spanish, captioned)_  And I am Lopez, the heavy.

 **Sheila:**  Lopez, what a nice name for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills.

'Oh my God…' Yang thought, "Shelia, don't fall for his stupid Spanish Charm!" 'You belong with me…' (AN: Iron-Mantis from a long time ago!)

 **Caboose:**  Umm, yes! Well, Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you and now he has to go AWAY.

"Someone's jealous…" Yang said in a sing-song voice,

"Everyone falls for the Spanish guy." Blake muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fucking body back?

 **Church:**  Roger that.

 **Lopez:**   _(in Spanish, captioned)_  No! Heauegerkergerk!  _(Lopez's body twitches as Church enters it)_

 **Tucker:**  You okay in there, Church? Church, hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?

 **Church:**   _(reappears)_  What the-? That wasn't me. What the hell's going on here?

"Wait, did Lopez just reject Church?" Ruby said,

"Huh. I'm not even sure that Lopez is aware that he's being possessed, so most likely he wouldn't reject Church this quickly." Blake theorized, "So, the logical reason could be that,"

"Someone already took Lopez before Church did!" Yang finished, "But who did? The only other dead person is…"

"Oh no…" Ruby growled.

 **Tex:**  ( _possessing Lopez_ ) Well, buenos dias, cockbites. Guess who's back?

'The Love-Crushing Bitch is back.' Ruby thought angrily as she glared at the Tex-Possessed Lopez, 'I really want Donut's ghost-killing gun now.' The others saw Ruby's 'Death do You Part' look so Weiss quickly got the remote and played the next episode.

**(I Dream Of Meanie)**

_The Blues_   _are standing around each other._

 **Church:**  Get out of my body right now, Tex!

 **Tex:**   _(in Lopez's body)_  Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it.

 **Church:**  Yeah, but I stole it first!

"He has a point, ya know." Blake pointed out,

"All's fair in love and war." Weiss said,

"Without the love." Yang added in.

 **Sheila:**  I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed… and I like it!

 **O'Malley:**  I know how to get her out of there.  _(raises pistolandTex looks_   _at him)_ Wink.

'The stupid A.I is working with Tex!' Ruby thought as she glared at Tex.

 **Church:**  Caboose, don't. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?  _(Caboose leaves)_  Alright, Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?

 **Tex:**  Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot.

 **Tucker:**  Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time? _(he looks over at a rock that has been written on in aqua: PRIVATE! KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!)_  Like even when we're alone?

 **Tex** : Yes, Tucker, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

"What does she mean?" Ruby asked. The others tried to find an answer suitable for Ruby's innocence, but found none so they kept their mouths shut, 'Why are they keeping stuff from me? I'm not that dumb, thank you very much.'

_Caboose is visible in the background, crouched on top of Sheila._

**Tucker:**  ...It's very lonely out here...

 **Tex:**  Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose.

"FINALLY!" Yang exclaimed, "Someone actually notices!"

"It isn't surprising considering the teams' IQ points." Blake muttered.

 **Church:**  A change? Like what? He's finally learned the whole alphabet?

 **Tex:**  You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?

 **Tucker:**  I have! Started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church but he never listens.

 **Church:**  Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

"For once, I can relate to that." Weiss spoke out.

_Fade to black, then to a grayscale flashback that Tex narrates._

**Tex:**   _(voiceover)_  I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me.

 **Church:**   _(in the flashback with a faint echo)_  I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the Reds.

"I wonder why Tex could hear Church." Yang thought out loud,

"They're in a box canyon. The sound from Church's voice must've bounced off the rocks." Blake theorized,

"But Church is dead; he should really have a voice in the first place, let alone decipherable words."

"Yang, you're talking about a ghost that coughed without lungs. Logic and science don't really apply." Weiss said, "Especially with people like Caboose around."

 **Tex:**  From what I could tell,  _(fade to black, then to the present)_  the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results.  _(fade to a grayscale flashback)_  Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took it's chance.

"That is a really unique A.I." Blake said, "Who ever gave O'Malley the ability to transfer itself into other people via radio signals is a genius."

 **Caboose:**   _(in flashback, echoing_ ) Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.

_Fade to the present._

**Tucker:**  And that's when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?

 **Church:**  Right, everyone's armour has one slot for A.I. and Caboose's would've been vacant.

"As well as a few other things." Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker:**  I think there are a few of his NON-artificial slots that are empty too.

 _Fade_   _to grayscale flashback_.

 **Tex:**  And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch hit with a really lucky shot!  _(in flashback, echoing)_ Ah crap!  _(fades to the present)_  And the next thing I know... I'm a ghost.

'Definitely not going to die.' Blake thought.

 **Church:**  Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?

The RWBYs leaned in, seemingly knowing Tex's answer.

 **Tex:**  Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

Except that.

"What!?" They yelled out,

"That explains why Tex sounded happy that O'Malley was gone." Weiss said, "The thing must've been torturing her psyche for years."

'She deserved it.' Ruby thought angrily.

 _Cut to the top of Red Base. Simmons, Grif, and Donut are lined up watching Sarge_.

 **Sarge:**  Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

"And they're already replacing Lopez with…" Yang stopped herself before saying, "Wait,  _robot type person_? As in, doesn't have to be entirely robotic?" The rest groaned, getting ready for Sarge's unique solution to this.

 **Donut:**  Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

 **Grif:**  Shut up, Donut!

'Ah, sweet memories…' Yang thought with a wistful sigh, remembering the car rides with Ruby and Qrow. It's been so long since then.

 **Donut:**  Please!

 **Simmons:**  Uh, sir-

 **Donut:**  -or Punch Buggy?

And the time Yang & Ruby got sent to the hospital thanks to that game, 'Three dislocated bones, a fractured rib here and there, busted knee caps and a busted pelvis. Good times…'

 **Grif:**  Why won't this guy shut up?

 **Donut:**  Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

 **Simmons:**  What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

 **Sarge:**  Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

"Wouldn't it make more sense to make another robot?" Yang said,

"Yang, robots cost millions, billions even, to create a type like Lopez! Of course they can't make another one!" Ruby exclaimed,

"So does turning someone into a cyborg." Yang had to smirk as she heard Ruby grumble a bit.

 **Simmons:**   _(at the same time as Grif)_  Have you gone crazy? What the hell?

 **Grif:** _(at the same time as Simmons)_  Wh-What!? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

 **Donut:**  Cool! I vote for Simmons!

"He's basically a robot already." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge:**  I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really.  _(Simmons and Grif say something indecipherable)_  Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

"Oh God, Sarge is doing it, isn't he?" Weiss muttered, feeling sorry for whoever Sarge chose. Especially seeing how Lopez ended up.

 **Grif:**   _(in the background)_  I'm confused.

 **Sarge:**  If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

"Ew…" The team grimaced.

 **Simmons:**  Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

 **Sarge:**  Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

"Oh shit, he's a fucking mad scientist…" Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

"After seeing Doc, it wouldn't be a surprise if they couldn't." Ruby mumbled. The others had to resist face-palming from almost forgetting about Doc.

 **Sarge:**  Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

"That just ruled out almost everyone except…" (Yang)

 _Camera pans from Donut and Grif to Simmons_.

 **Simmons:**  Aw, fuck me!

 **Sarge:**  Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

_Everyone looks at Donut._

"If Donut becomes a cyborg, shoot me now." Weiss had to say, 'The universe will be fucked if anyone remotely can be related to Caboose is a cyborg.'

 **Donut:**  Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

"Hah! He said pink!"

"Shut up Weiss."

 **Sarge:**  Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

 **Simmons:**  Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkeys.

 **Sarge:**  Now, Grif, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

"For numbing the brain of the surgeon." (Ruby)

 **Grif:**  Check.

 **Sarge:**  Eight pounds of Vaseline, condensed.

"I have no idea what that is but I'm going to say it won't be pretty." (Weiss)

 **Grif:**  Check.

 **Sarge:**  An old tire iron, preferably metric.

 **Grif:**  Y-You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

"Um… who leaves a tire iron in the bathroom?" (Blake)

 **Sarge:**  The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.

"Also for Stupid Adults and Bat-Shit Crazy Old Men. Get one today,  _you fucks_!" (Yang)

 **Grif:**  I'll have to check.

 **Sarge:**  Check, you mean we have it?

 **Grif:**  Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

 **Sarge:**  C'mon, make sense! I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!

"Okay… one more episode before the migraine kicks in." Weiss said as she already had a headache, 'And one more episode until the root kicks in.' She thought as she looked at Ruby, who was fidgeting a little while her stomach growled,

'I'm just probably hungry.' Ruby concluded, 'I'll have Blake fix something up thanks to her arms being free now.' A few minutes later, Blake grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Room For Rent)**

_The camera pans to the right to show the Blues_.

 **Tucker:**  Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting pants'd in high school.

"High… school?" Ruby said slowly while Yang was giggling at the thought of someone getting pants'd in public,

"Never heard of it." Blake muttered,

"Don't worry about it; I'm sure it's just a name for teaching people to be Hunters, like Beacon." Weiss wasn't sure but they let it go.

Not knowing that it'll bite them in the ass in Seasons to come.

 **Church:**   _(cut to ghost Church standing next to Tucker)_  I found that part to be entirely out of context.

"If there is one." Yang said between giggles.

 **Tucker:**   _(cut back to Tucker)_  But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the AI.

 **Tex:**   _(cut to Tex in Lopez's body in front of Sheila)_  I don't remember much from  _(a black and white flashback of a laboratory fades in)_  the implantation process. I do remember that the AI can be transmitted from host to host by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped.  _(fades back to present)_  If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

"Ghosts can't beat A.I." Ruby stated, "Unless they somehow get an emp-launcher."

"E.M.P." Weiss corrected,

"That's what I said.  _Emp_."

"No, it stands for Electr-you know what, fuck it." Weiss sighed as Ruby smirked.

 **Church:**  And then I can have my body back. Deal?

 **Tex:**  Deal.

 **Church:**  Alright. Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go once we get him out of there.

"That's a bad idea." Blake said, "Having 2 minds in one head is bad but 4 might leave a severe case of permanent brain damage."

"3, Blake. Three minds in Caboose's head." Yang said trying to lighten the mood a bit, but was worried about Caboose. He was basically the most innocent person in the Blues and now Caboose might become seriously damaged mentally, or worse.

 **Tex:**  Right.

 **Tucker:**  What?! How the hell am I gonna do that?

 **Church:**  I don't know. Come up with a plan.

 **Tucker:**  Come on, you know how I feel about plans.

"That don't involve you getting a girl to even be near you for more than 5 seconds." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex:**  You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast?

 **Church:**  Yeah, that's right.

 **Tex:**  Yep.

 **Tucker:**  Wow, you guys are a lot of help.

 **Church:**  Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box.

The RWBYs grimaced, remembering when they told Penny to think outside the box a few months ago. On a side note: Never let Penny choose her clothes. Or shop. Or even see a shred of new clothing on a mannequin.

 **Tucker:**  Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.

That's what Sun said after seeing Penny's 'unique' choices of fashion.

 **Church:**  Okay, Tex, ladies first.

'I hope she has man parts!' Ruby thought angrily, 'Um… what are man parts?'

 **Tex:**  Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?

 **Church:**   _(mumbling)_  Bitch...

 **Tex:**  Nice try, Leonard.

*Snicker* "Leonard." Ruby couldn't help. It sounded like a mum would call their child. She suddenly felt a small pain in her heart but shook it off for nothing.

 **Church:**  Hey, Caboose!

 **Caboose:**   _(stands up and turns around)_  Huh?

 **Church:**  Heads up!

_Church runs into Caboose to possess him. Tex leaves Lopez and does the same._

**O'Malley:**  Noooo...!

 _Zooms in on Caboose's visor and flashes to white. Fades in to reveal a large, gray room with walkways and large pylons coming out of the ground._   _Cut to Church in white armor and Tex in black armor, both are no longer transparent._

"Definitely how I would picture his mind." Weiss said, "Full of shit and empty at the same time."

 **Church:**  Where are we?

 **Tex:**  We're inside Caboose's mind. Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him.

 **Church:**  Man, this is kinda weird.

 **Tex:**  It's hard to get used to, I know.

 **Church:**  No, it's not that.  _(fades to outside of Caboose's mind)_  It's just that this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it was gonna be.

 **Tucker:**   _(walks up to Caboose)_  Caboose, are you okay, buddy?

 **Caboose:**   _(repeating what Church said)_  This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

"Great," Blake muttered, "Now anything they do in there, Caboose will be affected."

 **Tucker:**  O-kay. I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez and figure out some way to get the Reds to shut off their radios.

 **Caboose:**  Where should we start, Tex?

 **Tucker:**  What?

 _Fades back to inside Caboose's head_.

 **Church:**  I said where should we start, Tex?

 **Tex:**  Just keep your eyes peeled.  _(Tucker comes up behind Tex)_  I guarantee  _(Church spots Tucker)_  O'Malley will come looking for us.

"Okay, why is Tucker there!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"That's not Tucker, Ruby. They're in Caboose's mind, so that must be his mental image of Tucker." Blake explained.

 **Church:**  Hey, Tucker! Is that you?

 **Caboose!Tucker:**  No. What're you? Stupid? Oh, wait. Yes, I  _am_  me. I guess  _I'm_  stupid.

"A  _very warped_ image of Tucker." Yang added in.

 **Church:**  What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!

 **Caboose!Tucker:**  Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food.

 **Church:**  What the hell? What's the matter with you?

 **Tex:**  This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's head. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker.

"Like I said." Blake said with a smirk, 'You know, being compared to Tex isn't all that bad.'

 **Caboose!Tucker:**  Man, I am so unbelievably stupid!

"Caboose knows the word 'unbelievably'?" Yang asked,

"He probably can't spell it though." Ruby muttered.

 **Church:**  Well, that's great, everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain dead as Caboose, then.

 _Caboose approaches from behind_.

 **Caboose!Caboose:**  I would not be so sure about that, Mister Church.

"Holy shit…" The team muttered,

"So everyone in Caboose's mind is as Caboose-y as possible."

"Except for Caboose." Blake finished for Yang.

_Cut to the Reds._

**Grif:**  Great idea, sir. I finally agree with you.

 **Donut:**   _(walks up to Sarge and Grif)_  Hey, guys. We might have a problem here. Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who, might've thought that one of the cyborg parts we need for Simmons' surgery was a cupholder (*face palm*). And somebody, not naming any names here, might've left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.

"Very subtle Donut." Ruby said sarcastically while she eye-rolled.

 **Grif:**  Was it you?

 **Donut:**  Yeah... uh, no!  _(clears throat)_  I mean, NO. ...Dammit.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, you and Easy Listening stroll on down and retrieve that part from the Warthog. Post Haste!

 **Grif:**  Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the base right now? For all we know the Blues could've already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak.

 **Sarge:**  Ahh, corny dogs! Even with Lopez helping 'em, it'll take them months to get that tank online, much less to get it movin' again.

"Or a few hours." Weiss muttered.

 **Donut:**  I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally gonna freak out.

 _Camera zooms across the canyon to Tucker, Sheila, and Lopez_.

 **Tucker:**  Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming.

"He's  _so_  going to freak out." Yang said as they all got up (apart from Blake), "I'm going to get some snacks."

"GO GET ME," Ruby then paused as the team heard a very large growl and fart, "Toilet paper." Was the last thing they heard as Ruby disappeared in a flash of rose petals.

Seconds later, hell was unleashed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!
> 
> The rest of the chapters are getting put up tomorrow but I'm really tired.


	17. The Days We Wait For (Me, Myself and You, An Audience of Dumb, Aftermath, before Biology)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... back to this shit. All RvB scenes, dialogue and songs aren't mine, copied off the wiki and belongs to Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

School sucks.

Plain and simple.

It sucks even worse when you're spending your summer trapped in that school.

Weiss from a few days back would disagree, as she would've spent her time effectively and prepare for the next year or rescue.

However, when you're spending it with a girl with sugar-triggered MPD, a cat girl with certain cravings and a blonde with really unhealthy obsessions while watching idiots with guns shoot each other that may or may not be their team mate, it changes you a bit.

That's why she waited for the day where everything would just come back to normal and she and the RWBYs would stop trying to kill each other.

*(Insert horrible noises here)*

But who said she was complaining.

"Ew…" Yang grimaced as she placed her ear against the door, "Well, Ruby's not coming out anytime soon." The blonde declared as she backed away from the bathroom door,

'That's karma, bitch!' Weiss thought as she remembered her experiences, "So… are we going to start?"

"DON'T! START! WITHOUT! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ruby yelled from the bathroom, "OH GOD, IT FUCKING BURNS!"

"So, should we ignore her?" Blake asked, "She sounds like she's going to be in there for a good while."

"Ruby will be fine." Yang said as she sat down and grabbed the remote, "She's eaten worse."

"Define 'worse'." Weiss said, curious about the answer,

"She ate cookies,"

"She eats cookies all the time." Blake interrupted,

"That Penny made." This caused them to go silent and remembering what Penny cooked when they & JNPR came over to her house that one time. Let's just say their weapons came in handy that day, 'She's even worse than Yang.'

"Anyway, since Ruby will be in the bathroom, I guess we should watch the next three episodes without her." Blake said,

"DON'T YOU DA-OH JESUS CHRIST!"

"Okay then." Yang said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Me, Myself and You)**

_Church and Tex inside Caboose's head, with mental images of Caboose and Tucker_

**Caboose** : I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

"It's still really weird seeing Caboose this… normal." Weiss said,

"But remember Weiss, this is Caboose's mind." Blake spoke up, "He thinks he's the normal one while everyone else is weird."

"If Caboose was the only normal one anywhere, I don't think we should stay on this planet anymore." Yang said, shivering at the thought of that type of world.

 **Church** : The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

_Mental image of Church appears behind Caboose_

**Mental image of Church** : Of course he's seen him you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck!

"Sailor mouth, much?" Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

 **Mental image of Church** : My name is Church, butt wiping ass munch!

 **Church** : ( _whispering to Tex_ ) This guy is kind of an asshole.

 **Tex** : Yeah, we've met.

"Okay, I've got to admit that was a got burn." Blake said.

 **Mental image of Church** : And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!

 **Church** : Okay, there was a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

"I liked it." Yang said as she was writing down Mental!Church's swears.

 **Tex** : Just play along Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

 **Tucker** : I'm gonna go look for girls! ( _he leaves_ )

"If Caboose even knows the difference…" Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Fine, whatever.

 **Caboose** : If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the Reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

"O'Malley must've tried to recruit them to help him destroy Caboose's mind so he could use Caboose's body as his own." Weiss said, disgusted at the A.I's programming.

 **Church** : The Reds? The Reds are in here?

_Cut to the real world. Grif and Donut next to the sideways jeep_

**Grif** : Are you sure you left the part in there?

 **Donut** : Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

 **Grif** : ( _sighs_ ) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were left in the Warthog, right?

 **Donut** : Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

 **Grif** (& WBY): Oh God!

Everyone blushed at the thought of a half naked Donut, with Blake blushing a bit more.

_Cut to Lopez as well as Tucker driving Sheila heading towards the Red base_

**Tucker** : Okay well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, must be this button.

 **Sheila** : Do not touch that button.

 **Tucker** : Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe it's this one

 **Sheila** : Do not touch me.

 **Tucker** : You know, for a girl your size you're really sensitive.

"That's offensive!" Yang exclaimed,

"She's a tank Yang."

"Shut up, Weiss! You don't understand!"

"I don't think you understand either." Blake muttered.

_Back to the Reds_

**Grif** : I cannot take anymore of this.

 **Donut** : So after I clip my toenails ("Ew."), I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smells really funny. So I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

"I think, I think I just vomited a little." Weiss said, turning a bit green.

 **Grif** : That's it! I'm committing suicide. ( _he runs off_ )

"Good choice." Yang said as she took deep breaths.

 **Donut** : Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

"I really don't want to know." Blake said as she coughed a bit.

 **Grif** : ( _stops and looks off into the distance_ ) Oh crap!

_Pan to Lopez, Sheila and Tucker approaching'. Grif quickly takes cover behind the jeep_

**Donut** : Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting! ( _makes creeped out noises_ )

Yang had enough and rushed into the bathroom, puking in the tub before washing her face and going back to her seat. Well, she thought it was the tub, "I'm fine." Yang said before the others could ask.

 **Grif** : Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

 **Donut** : What?! ( _he hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching_ ) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out! ( _he runs around in circles_ )

_Cut to the Blues approaching_

**Tucker** : Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila how the fuck do I slow you down?

 **Sheila** : Retard the throttle.

 **Tucker** : What throttle? This throttle?

 **Sheila** : Retard the controller.

"Why do I have the feeling she's insulting Tucker?" Weiss thought out loud.

 **Tucker** : You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!

 **Sheila** : The controller, retard!

"Now she is."

 **Tucker** : Hey that's kinda insulting. ( _Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach Red base_ ) Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean.

 **Sheila** : ... retard.

"Someone should really check the training program." Blake said as she shifted a little in her cast. Then suddenly, the door to the bathroom slammed open to reveal Ruby looking really tired, "Ruby?"

"Blake, I would blame you for letting Yang put something in my milk but right now I'm too tired." Ruby said as she dragged herself to her seat and flopped down on it, "Just start the god damn episode."

"Okay, I guess." Weiss said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(An Audience of Dumb)**

_Sheila and Lopez approaching Red Base. Tucker driving Sheila_

**Tucker** : Ahh, Sheila we have to slow down or we're gonna run into that jeep!

"Along with Grif & Donut." Yang said.

 **Sheila** : Please take evasive action. Please take evasive action.

 **Tucker** : You take evasive action! Hey, Lopez, help me out! Can't you talk to her?

 **Lopez** : Sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.

"Lopez really knows his words with women." Blake muttered, seeing that her previous statement justified.

_Grif and Donut are crouching behind the jeep_

**Donut** : Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us. Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Grif-

'Please say it, please say it, please say it…' Blake thought frantically.

 **Grif** : If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself.

 **Donut** : -lets make a break for it!

 **Grif** : Whew! In that case lets go on 3. That's worked well for me in the past.

"Says you, you fucking backstabber." Weiss muttered angrily.

 **Donut** : Okay, you count.

 **Grif** : Fine, but don't look at me while I count because I get nervous. ( _he turns around and Donut stands up_ ) 1...( _Donut runs away_ ) 2...( _he turns around and sees Donut running_ ) That son of a bitch, he beat me at my own game. Curses!

"That's karma, bitch!" Ruby exclaimed, somehow regaining all her energy.

_Sheila is heading right at the jeep_

_Sheila rams into the jeep, blowing it up and sending Grif and Lopez flying. Lopez yells in surprise of the explosion as he lands in a pool of Grif's Blood._

"OH! Grif might need a new lung after that." Yang said as the team grimaced at the sigh,

'And there goes the smartest person in Red Team.' Ruby thought, angry at the fact Sarge got his wish, along with the rest of her team.

_Grif is briefly shown splattered on the ground. The scene changes to show Sheila being covered by dust and rock lifted by the explosion. The scene cuts to inside the Red base. Donut runs up to Sarge and Simmons panting heavily._

**Sarge** : Good golly Miss Molly! What is going on out there?

 **Donut** : (Panting as he speaks) Sir, the blues are attacking with their tank! They-they blew up the Warthog, again.

"How many times has the Chupathingy blown up?" Blake asked, causing Yang to sob quietly,

"Four, five times?" Weiss answered, but regretted it as she was tackled by Yang.

 **Simmons** : I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.

 **Donut** : Grif and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Grif? ...uhh, Grif?

_Cut to inside Cabooses mind_

**Church** : ( _to Caboose's mental image of Church_ ) Why the hell did they pair me up with you?

 **Mental-Church** : I wanted to keep my eye on you. I don't trust gigantic turds trying to steal my best friend, you rimjob!

"Okay, now he's making up insults." Ruby said, 'I wonder if I could call someone that…'

 **Church** : Well, this is going to be a great trip.

_Mental image of Church approaches the ledge overlooking the area_

**Mental-Church** : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! So listen up, you blowjobbing cocksuckers!

The girls leaned in closer as the Reds started to appear.

_Mental image of Simmons appears._

And so far, nothing really has changed.

 **Mental-Simmons** : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!

_Mental image of Grif appears… but he's wearing yellow armor_

**Mental-Grif** : Would someone please help me, I don't want to die!

"You know, besides the armour colour, there's nothing too different." Yang muttered.

_Mental image of Donut appears, speaking with a girl's voice_

**Mental-Donut** : I love Caboose, and yet I'm so afraid of him!

"Okay, we're slowly getting there…" Blake said.

_Mental image of Sarge appears, speaking like a pirate_

**Mental-Sarge** : Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck.

"There we go." Weiss mumbled,

"That's definitely not a southern accent and it's contradictory!" Ruby exclaimed (AN: Iron-Mantis everyone!)

 **Mental-Donut** : He's so scary.

 **Mental-Caboose** : Fear not Reds, I come here not to destroy but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.

"That actually sounded pretty noble." Blake said, reminding her of a book she read once.

 **Church** : Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, I gotta correct a few things I'm hearing here. First of all you ( _referring to mental image of Church_ ) you're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend, ya know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy.

 **Mental-Church** : Shove it, dick sniffer!

 **Church** : And Caboose, come on dude, seriously. Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?

 **Mental-Caboose** : I beg your pardon?

 **Church** : First of all that guy ( _referring to Grif_ ) he's not yellow, he's orange. And since when is there a girl on the Red team?

 **Mental-Donut** : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.

This caused RWBYs eyes to twitch.

 **Mental-Sarge** : Argh, I got termites in me leg!

 **Church** : And that is not a southern accent.

 **Mental-Sarge** : Argh!

 **Mental-Donut** : Do you have any tampons?

And attacking the TV seemed like a good option now.

 **Church** : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

 **Tex** : Calm down Church.

"Says Miss Heartbreaker." Ruby muttered.

 **Mental-Grif** : Don't kill us Mister Sidekick!

 **Mental-Church** : Hey butt brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him, so shut your pie hole!

_Mental image of Church is shot by a sniper and falls off the edge._

"Did  _not_  see that one coming!" Yang exclaimed, "Wait, if Mental-Church got shot, doesn't that mean…"

"Someone, probably O'Malley, just deleted Church." Weiss groaned,

"Seriously! What is with Church dying all the time!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"And you say like it's a bad thing?" Blake said,

"Who said it was?"

 **Church** : Leonard, are you okay?

 **Mental-Church** : Ah, please! That fudge finger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm gonna die. Herg! ( _collapses_ ) Blow me. ( _dies_ )

 **Tex** : There he is!

_Pans in on O'Malley on a balcony, wearing black armor and holding a sniper. He laughs evilly._

"Okay, even if it is Mental Images, it still sick." Blake said.

 **Tex** : Let's go get him! ( _she runs off the edge_ )

 **Church** : Alright, c'mon Caboose, let's go.

 **Mental-Caboose** : I am sorry, have we met?

"Like deleting a file." Weiss said as she face palmed.

 **Church** : What? It's me Church.

 **Mental-Caboose** : I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

"Michael J. Caboose? I wonder the 'J' stands for." Ruby said. Yang couldn't help but be reminded of Michael J. Fox.

 **Church** : Oh you've got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there getting the Reds to turn off their radios.

_Cut to the real world. Tucker standing on Sheilajust outside Red Base_

**Tucker** : Goddammit! This isn't going very well at all. You okay Lopez?

_Lopez approaches._

**Lopez** : Lopez the Heavy is impervious to injury.

"He isn't impervious to possession though." Yang pointed out.

 **Tucker** : Whatever you big showoff. How about you Sheila, you still online?

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

 **Tucker** : Okay, we should be close enough to hack into their radio frequency. Lopez get inside Sheila and do your business.

 **Sheila** : What?!

 **Lopez** : I'm getting very sweaty!

"Uh… can a robot sweat?" Ruby asked, but was met with silence and red faces, "FINE! I'll go search it up on the internet anyway."

 **Tucker** : Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

_Cut to Sarge, Simmons, and Donut inside Red Base_

**Sarge** : Well this is a devil of a pickadillo. Simmons get on the squack box and tell command-

 **Tucker** : ( _over the radio_ ) Red guys, are you there?

 **Sarge** : What in buttery goodness? Who is this?

 **Tucker** : It's me Tucker, I'm one of the Blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now.

 **Sarge** : Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell before I take orders from you.

"It's already a cold day in hell, Sarge." Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker** : Look, it's really important alright? Normally I'd just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends but today's different. I need you to trust me on this.

"Dude, one's too old, the other one is a kiss ass and the last one is too fucking lazy to get one." Weiss said, surprising the others.

 **Sarge** : Well I may have spoke too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add, proposition. Simmons, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?

 **Simmons** : ( _clears throat_ ) Suck it Blue!

"Great rebuttal." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Yeah, suck it Blue! Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face Blue dude, in your face!

 **Tucker** : ( _sighs_ ) Aw man.

_Cut to inside Caboose's mind. O'Malley jumps from ledge to ledge laughing evilly. Tex and Church are pursuing him._

**Tex** : Hurry up Church! He's getting away!

_Church runs up to Tex_

**O'Malley** : You'll never catch me!

"That's what the gingerbread man said before he got eaten by the fox." Weiss said,

"But Yang sai-" Ruby paused, realizing the lie, " _Yang…"_

"Mix Tape…"

"Th-Thank you for lying to me."

"Don't mention it. Ever."

 **Church** : Come on let's go!

 _Tex then Church hop over a gap and land on the ledge and continue chasing O'Malley_.  _Cut to the real world, the Blues outside Red Base._

 **Tucker** : Dammit, these guys are not backing down! Lopez, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B.

_Lopez exits Sheila. Words indicating a music video appear at the lower left corner of the screen. He begins singing a love song, accompanied by music, to Sheila._

**Writing for music video:**

Lopez the Heavy  
"Mi Amor Tiene un Canon Grande" (Translation: My Love has a Big Cannon)  
Senor El Roboto Club Mix '04  
Metal2Metal Records  
Directed by: Private Tucker

(Wiki Warning: Only shows the first verse)

 _The first time I saw your treads_  
And enormous chassis of steel  
I knew that I had found someone  
To share a robot love so real

 **Sarge** : What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now? Sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquatch!

 **Simmons** : Turn it off, turn it off! Please God make it stop!

 **Donut** : Oh man, this rules. RULES!

"IT SOUNDS LIKE DIABETES, AIDS, CANCER, STI AND VAGINAL HERPES ALL COMBINED WHILE ON FIRE! Strangely very romantic though." (Ruby)

"Stupid sensitive hearing! Stupid second set of ears!" (Blake)

"Well, that's another memory I'll have to drink (responsibly) away later." (Yang)

"Ye-Yeah. Boooo…" (Weiss, who was secretly with Donut and liked the song) (AN: Iron-Mantis, the joke factory!)

_Cut back to inside Caboose's head. O'Malley runs into Tex and Church._

**O'Malley** : Huh?

 **Church** : Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anyone makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me.

 **Tex** : Aww, that's sweet.

 **Church** : Shut up, bitch.

 **Tex** : Asshole.

"Couple of the Century, right here people!" Yang said in her announcer voice.

 **O'Malley** : Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!

 **Church** : Dead end, O'Malley! You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol full of aspirin!

"Boo…! Thumbs down!" Ruby said,

"Ah crap, he has puns." Weiss groaned.

 **Tex** : What?

"Tell me about it." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : I got half a mind to kill you...

 **Tex** : That's ridiculous.

 **Church** : …and the other half agrees!

"Okay, that one was pretty good." Ruby admitted.

 **Tex** : Ugh, Church, that's just stupid.

 **Church** : You're about to split...

 **Tex** : God Church.

 **Church** : ...personality!

 **Tex** : You're just embarrassing yourself.

 **Church** : Psyche!

"God, these puns are as bad as Yang's." Weiss said as she rubbed her head,

"They aren't th-"

"Yes they are." RWB interrupted in unison.

_Cut back to Red Base. Lopez's love song singing is still going on._

"Even when it's in the background, it's still horrifying." Blake said as she covered her ears.

 **Sarge** : That's it, I've had enough, can't take anymore! Everybody, switch off your radios.

 **Donut** : But Sarge-

"SHUT UP DONUT!" Ruby, Blake and Yang yelled out. Weiss wondered if they put the track on Spotify.

 **Sarge** : That's an order private.

 **Donut** : Sarge pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

 **Sarge** : Don't try my patience boy!

 **Donut** : Ah, man!

_They shut off their radios. Tucker sees this from above and runs over to Sheila and Lopez._

"No more running now, O'Malley." Blake said with a smirk, but Weiss had a gut feeling it wasn't over just yet.

 **Tucker** : ( _giggles with delight_ ) It worked! Hey turn off your radio, quick!

_Lopez enters Sheila. Cut back to inside Caboose's head, Tex aiming her gun at O'Malley_

**Tex** : Nice knowing you, O'Malley, but payback's a bitch, and so am I.

 **Church** : Wait, Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time.

 **Tex** : There's only one way to find out.

_They open fire on O'Malley. O'Malley can be heard yelling. Screen goes black and they stop firing. Screen returns to Church._

"It's over." Yang said quietly,

"Yang, you said that when Ruby defeated Cinder Fall. Nothing is truly over." Weiss said, repeating the words of Professor Port, "Sometimes, it's only just begun."

 **Church** : Huh, he just disappeared. I expected like an echoing laugh or the smell of brimstone at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Don't you think that's weird, Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go?

 _Credits rolls to the tune of_ "A Girl Named Tex" by Trocadero.

"I think it really is over." Blake said,

"Wait, hold on. Something's happening." Ruby said after the credits and pointed towards the TV.

_Comes back panning away from Caboose's head a floating up into the air while beeping._

**Church** : ( _echoing from Caboose_ ) Tex, where'd you go? How do I get out of here? What happens to O'Malley?

Yang had to gasp, "You don't think that's,"

"O'Malley." Ruby simply said.

_The screen (symbolizing the O'Malley AI) rises high into the air and slowly fades to black and the beeping goes slower and deeper until it stops and the screen goes black._

"And now it's dead." Yang said,

"Wait for it." Weiss said while she narrowed her eyes.

_Screen returns as the sound of a radio comes on. (An interesting note that the beeping, when translated from Morse Code, reads "Cockbites".)_

Blake's eye twitched, understanding the Morse Code playing.

 **Voice on radio** : Come in, Blue Command. Do you read me?

"Oh shit, that's,"

_Screen pans right into an area on the side of the cliff and right up into Doc._

**Doc** : This is Medical Officer DuFresne. Is anyone there? Do you read me?

"Doc." Ruby finished for Weiss,

"Fuck!" Blake cursed, "They forgot about Doc!"

"And so did we…" Yang pointed out,

"That's pretty good writing on the creator's part. Make the viewer forget about certain people before revealing them to be ultimately relevant to the plot." Blake praised the company. Suddenly, she felt something under her butt she didn't notice before. She grabbed it and quickly hid the book, knowing what it was just from the cover.

Ninjas of Love 6: Blood Lust-Sin Edition

'This isn't even released yet! And it's been already banned from every country except from where it's being published. Best Gift Ever. Of All Time.' Blake thought excitingly as she felt the hard cover against her casted back as she started to sweat at the mere thought of what the words said beyond the cover. The hot scenes the letters would form in the pages. She didn't even question the fact how it got there. She didn't really care.

"One last episode before we forget Lopez's stupid song." Ruby stated as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Aftermath, Before Biology)**

_Camera turns toward the sun, and then pans to the cave in which Doc is located. Vic of Blue Command talks in a static voice._

**Vic:**  Hello, dude, come in. Doctor dude, are you there? Hello. Paging doctor dude to the radio, stat! I need twenty CCs of what the hell's going on there dude.

"God, this guy is annoying." Yang muttered.

_Doc walks out from behind a rock in the cave, groaning._

**Doc:**  Ugh. What happened?

 **Vic:**  Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall, the next think I know you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children. Not very cool, dude.

"Great, O'Malley got Doc now." Blake said while she shook her head.

'I wonder what lozenge is.' Weiss thought,

 **Doc:**  Geeze, did I really? I'm sorry, something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird beeping, honking-

 **Vic:**  Hey, no offense taken dude. Don't got any kids anyway.

 **Doc:**  What?

 **Vic:**  Old Vic's been through the snip and stitch.

"Huh?" (Yang)

 **Doc:**  I don't-

 **Vic:**  If you know what I mean.

 **Doc:**  I don't wanna hear about that.

 **Vic:**  Winky-Blinky the one eyed Sergeant's firing blanks.

"Uh… what?" (Weiss)

 **Doc:**  That's weird.

 **Vic:** If you get me.

 **Doc:**  Look-

 **Vic:**  Via Con Dios of the Vas Deferens

"STOP AVOIDING THE WORD!" (Ruby)

 **Doc:**  Yeah alright, I, enough, I get you.

 **Vic:**  I mean a vasectomy, dude.

"Oh…" Weiss & Yang said while Blake already knew.

Ruby, however, did not.

"What's a vasectomy?" Ruby asked. The others looked at each other and gave an agreeing look.

One that said 'Fuck it'.

(Several minutes of explaining later…)

"They do  _that_?" Ruby asked again in horror,

"Ye-pep." Yang said with arms crossed,

"And they,"

"Yep." Weiss said,

"And they put them,"

"In storage." Blake finished,

"Wow." Ruby said as she leaned back on her chair before she sobbed, "They shoot the stork and they eat it?"

"Before he even picks up the baby." Weiss said with a sad (fake) smile, "Because people don't want a baby sometimes, Ruby. I hope you understand."

"I do…" Ruby said quietly, "Hey, do you know anyone that's had a vasectomy?"

"I do know one guy, why?" Yang asked,

"Nothing…" Ruby said in a sweet, innocent but creepy as hell smile. The others looked at each other before shrugging; deeming it 'close enough'. Later next year, Vinny Jones had disappeared (AN: Ruby didn't kill him… she just made him disappear).

 **Doc:**  Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

 **Vic:**  Rodger that. What did you find?

 **Doc:**  It's… it's like a… it's like a thing.

"Great description there." Weiss muttered sarcastically.

 **Vic:**  It's like a thing. Okay, dude. Thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff...

 **Doc:**  Sorry…

 **Vic:**  Move to Defcon 1.

"This guy's a dick." Ruby said.

 **Doc:**  I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It-it's purple. It's uh, it's a big purple thing.

 **Vic:**  Use your words, dude.

 **Doc:**  Look, I don't know. It looks like some kinda alien artifact. Do the aliens have like a home base or something here?

 **Vic:**  I don't know dude, why don't I just consult my Extra Terrestrial Travel Guide for ya. Oh look! Got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there.

"Okay, now he's in the territory of annoying." Yang said.

_Doc sighs._

**Vic:**  Lucky you.

 **Doc:**  Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.

 **Vic:**  Nothin' about big purple things, though. Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle.

_The radio transmission ends._

**Doc:**  Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I'm gonna tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that, that's not very nice.

 **O'Malley/Doc:**  If I ever meet him, I'm taking his eyes as souvenirs.

"Ew." Weiss grimaced, "Definitely not something I'll give to someone for Christmas."

 **Doc:**  Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. Time for yoga!

_Doc sits down, and the camera goes to Church and Tucker outside the Blue Base._

**Church:**  How's Sheila doing?

 **Tucker:**  I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage. Could be a disk.

"He has no clue what he's saying, is he?" Blake said.

 **Church:**  You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you?

 **Tucker:**  Eh, no. Not a clue.

"And I was right."

"We get it Blake, shut up." Ruby shushed the cat girl.

 **Church:**  What about Tex? Any sign of her?

 **Tucker:**  No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?

 **Church:**  When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taken out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and… well, no offense to you, Tucker, but…

 **Tucker:**  You're a dick.

This fueled Ruby's rage against Tex even more, 'That unfaithful little bitch…'

_The camera switches to show Red Base. It then fades to the inside of the base. Grif is moaning as if he had just woken up._

"You know, it's starting to get pretty common with people looking like they died but end up living." Yang pointed out,

"Stop robbing us, you assholes." Ruby growled, with added thunder outside the boarded up window Yang jumped through.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, don't try to move too much. You've been through quite the ordeal.

 **Grif:**  Oh, man. Where am I?

 **Donut:**  Hush now. Shhhh. Shhh. Shhh. Shh. It was really touch-and-go there for a while, good buddy. But I did it.

_Donut inhales before continuing._

**Donut:**  I pulled you through.

 **Grif:**  How long was I out?

 **Sarge:**  Don't you worry. Nurse Donut here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keepin' you company.

 _Grif_ (& RWBY) _groans._

 **Grif:**  My right hand?

 **Donut:**  Your left.

_Grif sighs._

**Grif:**  Note to self: Cut off left hand.

 **Sarge:**  Technically speaking, it's not really  _your_  left hand.

"Huh?" The girls say in unison,

"I guess Grif wasn't as lucky as the others." Blake said.

 **Grif:**  Say what?

 **Sarge:**  I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of HooHoos and bacon flavored marshmallows.

"Mmmm… Bacon-flavored marshmallows…" Ruby said as she pulled a Homer,

"Ruby, you're drooling on me!"

"Shut up Weiss, I'm in another food dream."

"Weiss, just give it up." Yang said, "She'll snap out of it eventually."

 **Grif:**  Wait, which body parts?

 **Sarge:**  We'll, let's see. We had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank…

 **Grif:**  Huh?

 **Donut:**  Yeah, we couldn't really find an anatomy book…

 **Sarge:**  Made a left turn at the spare rib…

 **Donut:**  But we did find one of those pictures with the cow, and the dotted lines all over it.

This sent Ruby deeper into her food coma.

 **Sarge:**  Then up and over the porterhouse…

 **Donut:**  I think it did the trick.

 **Sarge:**  And of course the brisket…

 **Grif:**  Wait-

 **Sarge:**  And the hocks. Oh, the hocks.

 **Grif:**  Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?

This snapped the RWBYs out of it, 'Where did Sarge get the spare parts?'

 **Sarge:**  Why, from our other subject, of course.

_The camera extends back to show Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Subject my cyborg ass.

"Oh my god, they actually went through with it." Blake said, amazed that Simmons doesn't look like he had any ill effects visible. She had to admit Sarge looked like he did a decent job.

 **Grif:**  No way.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numbnuts.

 **Sarge:**  Yep, those too.

"Okay, that is so wrong in so many ways." Yang said with a grimace.

 **Grif:**  Did I get your lips?

 **Sarge:**  Prairie Oysters… the gristle…

"I don't think they're body parts." Ruby said.

 **Grif:**  'Cause maybe then I'll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

 **Sarge:**  And the ass.

"No, wait.  _That_ is definitely wrong!" Yang said.

 **Grif:**  What the hell.

 **Sarge:**  Naucy bits.

 **Grif:**  What  _didn't_  I get?

 **Sarge:**  We pretty much replaced all the internal organs, and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Simmons' spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation, and espirits de corps.

 **Grif** (& Blake) **:**  This doesn't seem physically possible.

"Aren't you a Copy Cat, Pussy Cat." Yang said, only to get a tomato thrown at her.

 **Sarge:**  Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake n' bake!

 **Donut:**  And I helped!

_The screen fades black._

**Sarge:**  Actually, Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help. But it sure was entertaining!

 **Donut:**  (Sounding like a Prepubescent Monkey) Mhmhmhmhm… Meh.

The RWBYs gave a sigh of relief as the episode ended, "And now to blast Death Metal into my ears." Ruby said as she got up and went to grab her headphones,

"I need some fresh air." Weiss stated as she went out the dorm,

"I'll check our food stock." Blake lied as she went as far away as possible to read her new book,

"I'll be at the Training Grounds if you need me." Yang said as she grabbed her gauntlets and some ammo and went out. Ruby was alone in the room now, letting her do whatever she wanted. She felt bored so she grabbed her diary and started writing in it.

_Entry No: 365_

_Title: Dreams_

_It's been a few weeks since we've been left behind (stupid teachers) and now I'm surrounded by my team mates, who I've noticed to become very difficult to deal with every single day without seeing someone else. It's starting to get to me. I need some time by myself soon or I feel like I'm going to explode. But enough of that, I need to get to what's really important._

_I've been having weird dreams._

_I can never remember them afterwards but I can piece together parts. I just remember pain and comfort, light then darkness, stars and dirt. They don't make sense. Am I going crazy? Or is this something caused by Cinder and she somehow messed with my mind during the fight. No… She doesn't have a power like that. Does she? I don't know, but right now… I know in my gut something is wro-no that's the milk!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	18. RWBY PSA: Christmas Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only to not confuse myself. By the way Merry Christmas if you're reading this in December.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Twas the day before Christmas

Full of holiday and cheer

Where the snow will come

As will Santa, and his deer

Families will sit around

A table made of oak

From the rich to the poor

To the wealthy to the broke

But this isn't the story

Oh not at all

Because some people

Weren't having a ball

There was JNPR

Singing their merrily songs

Although some of them

Felt completely wrong

Was it wrong to sing

'Forever' so sad

All to a loving father

A widower dad

With his kids, oh so young

Their innocence broken,

Well that's done

Having already been spoken

Anyway, I must confess

As JNPR gave their speed a test

4 four girls are trapped

With no one else left.

There was Ruby and Blake

Weiss and Yang

Good together

Who are all going "DANG!"

A Christmas away

From a family not there?

Well that sucks

Now they have to prepare

By themselves no less

A great feat indeed

Maybe that's the problem

Children in need

So the girls decided,

"It's time to act!"

"Christmas can't be sad!"

"And that's a fact!"

And so it was set

A story to tell

About 4 young girls

Who are about to unleash hell

There was Ruby Rose

Innocent and sweet

Who had to find a tree

She was hungry and needed to eat

Weiss was singing

All of her songs

Just to pass time

Until the dinner bell gonged

Blake was scared

Worried, frightened

She needed a gift to wrap

And a bow to be tightened

And Yang was cooking

A chicken so great

We should run now

And leave it to fate

So let's check on each girl

4 stories waiting to be told

Now let's get to it

Before I feel old

**(Ruby)**

With her phases suppressed

Until the next few rests

The girls decided Ruby to find the tree

She was the best

Now in Emerald Forest

A small girl walked

As the frozen branches creaked

And the Beowulves stalked

"Oh great,

I'm lost. Again no less

There are no trees to find

Not the worst nor the best."

Ruby said

With a sad face

Then she found a sign

"Finally! An ace!"

'If you're looking for a pine tree

Then you are mistaken

THERE ARE NO PINE TREES

God forsaken...'

Ruby sighed

But kept her best

She looked for more

And found the rest

'If you want to though

You suicidal freak

This is a guide to a small little tree

If you just dig deep

Deep in the woods

If you are lucky

You'll find the tree, and also Bucky

Watch out, be careful

Keep your sight

As you may never know

Bucky may test your might.'

"Is Bucky a person? A Hunter?

A Grimm?

I better decide now

Or lose my life on a whim."

It took minutes, seconds

For Ruby to decide

And dashed off to see Bucky

The Grimm of the nigh

She saw the tree

Standing so tall

Beautiful and elegant, but that wasn't all

Bucky was there

Black Fur and Red teeth

A big Beowulf

"Oh Queff."

Ruby cursed a made up word

It was sort of a joke

And now there they are...

"OH (BLEEP), TURDS!"

It was soft and sticky

Yes, this Grimm throws it's poo

Somewhat slimy

Looked like Goo

Ruby dodged and attacked

With her over sized axe

Because her Scythe was gone

Because it got trapped in a Fax (Machine)

"Die you monster!

You shouldn't be here!

Oh... you're going to get it!

AH! IT GOT ME IN THE EAR!"

After an hour of fighting the big bad wolf

It finally died it's corpse becoming petals

Now it is done. Finished

Settled.

Ruby chopped down the tree

Proud to be

The only person

To kill Bucky

"Now that I sawed, chopped

Sliced and hacked

All I have to do now

Is lug the tree, all the way back!"

Then Ruby groaned

And muttered and moaned

And made her way back to Beacon

Where she met Blake, oh... T-BONED!

**(Weiss)**

Weiss was singing

Her greatest hits

'Mirror Mirror'

No hissy fits

She was alone

Like most Christmases

Where she only dined

With the Butlers and Waitresses

So let's hear her sing

Her wonderful song

And reflect on

That for the season, it's completely wrong!

_Mirror, tell me something._

_Tell me who's the loneliest, of all?_

_Mirror, tell me something, tell me who's the loneliest of all?_

_Fear of what's inside of me; tell me can a heart be turned to stone?_

_Mirror mirror, what's behind you? Save me from the things I see._

_I can keep it from the world, why won't you let me hide from me?_

_Mirror mirror, tell me something- who's the loneliest of all?_

_I'm the loneliest of all._

She sighed as she sat back

Remembering her work

Writing the thing

While she was ignoring Kirk

Weiss needed a Christmas

So bad

But the next day

She would be glad

**(Blake)**

Blake was running

As fast as she could

All around Beacon

To find something good

She didn't buy a present

She didn't even think

Just because

Her due date was at brink

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap,

Oh f(bleep)k

Seriously, now?!

I'm so out of luck!

Wait, am I rhyming?

What the hell is this?!

Why can't I stop?!

Should I use my fist?"

As Blake was thinking

She heard a ring of a phone

'Probably Yang's...'

She thought before she got T-Boned

"AH! MY RIB!"

"AH! THE TREE!"

Ruby had smashed into Blake

With her face full of glee

"What are doing, Ruby?

Are you trying to make me die?!"

"Sorry Blake,

BUT I GOTTA FLY!"

Blake sighed

At the timing

"Oh great.

Even Ruby is rhyming."

Blake decided to cheat

And steal a thing

Maybe something from the Teacher's Lounge?

Some coffee?

A sling (bag)?

As she made her way there

She saw the Heir(ess)

Looking alone

In despair

"What's wrong Weiss?

Why the long face?"

"I never had a real Christmas.

I never even got to say 'Grace'."

"Oh great

You're rhyming too?"

"Huh? Wait, WHAT?! I thought it only affected me!

Wait, what happened to you?"

"Oh, you know.

Ruby. She had to bolt."

"She really hasn't changed much.

The idiot. The dolt."

Then there was an explosion

A big one at best

That even put nukes

To the ultimate test

Weiss & Blake

Rushed to the scene

And only saw Yang

Burnt Chicken, smoke and steam

**(Yang)**

"So... we aren't having chicken."

Yang said

As she groaned and walked

To her nice, comfy bed

The girls just sighed

Nor, did they ask

At why they let themselves

Give Yang the task

Weiss spoke up, saying

"Or a good Christmas."

The RWBYs agreed

As one-by-one, they confessed

They slept, peeved

Until that fateful morning

Where the snow starts to fall

And the kids start to spill in (to their living rooms)

When the RWBYs woke

They stared in awe

As somehow Christmas

Came after all

Decorations, presents

The whole freaking lot

Everything Christmas was there

Not even a single blank spot

"IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!"

Ruby yelled out

But some of the other RWBYs

Still had their doubts

As they went into the kitchen later that day

They saw a perfect rooster

Perfectly cooked

A mood booster

Then they heard singing

A peaceful sound

And followed it to

The best place around

The room was filled

With gifts of gold

Some things very new

Some things very old

There were no names from who sent

Apart from some

But they didn't care

It was already done

Although, what was on it

Was two simple letters

U & H

But they didn't know better.

"Well, this is freaky." (Ruby)

"But it's kinda our thing." (Weiss)

"But for all of this to happen?" (Blake)

"Pussy Cat, just go with the wing." (Yang)

"Merry Christmas, guys

And from the UknownHero too."

"What is Ruby doing?" Blake whispered to Yang,

"I don't know." The blonde answered.

"We wish you a good night,

And we bid you, adieu!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY FRIENDS!

"Um... who the fuck is the UknownHero?" Weiss asked Yang,

"I think she's going into her Insane Phase, Weiss. On my count, we lock her in a broom closet."

"Girls, what are you talking about?" Ruby asked innocently,

"NOW!"

And thus ends an almost perfect Christmas

Now good-bye for now, my friends

Until next year

And make sure to stick around to the end.

If this thing doesn't get deleted

Fucking again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to learn how to rhyme.
> 
> Save Game... Quit!


	19. Season Finale-Shall We? (What's Mine is Yours, Nut. Doonut, Dealer Incentive, K.I.T B.F.F)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue is copied from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Sometimes, it's hard to start something. Something particularly new and probably exciting.

But when that happens, it's even harder to stop.

It's like digging your own grave before you inevitably die, and you just don't know it because you were too excited for no clear reason.

Those were the thoughts going through Yang's mind as she walked back to her dorm, ready for a few more episodes of Red vs Blue before calling it a day.

So she can bang her head against a wall to forget the sounds of Lopez's song. Hell, she even would settle for Polka, 'And I hate Polka!' Yang thought as she opened the door and turned on the light. She sighed when she heard Ruby in the bathroom, "Maybe I put a bit too much Devil's Root in her milk." She muttered to herself as she laid down on her bed, pretty beat from training and trying to figure out the science and physics behind pulling out someone's skull without killing the victim, 'I was so close to figuring it out! Okay, maybe ripping out the spine is a bonus but I wanted t-' She stopped her train of thought as she spied Ruby's diary laying on her pillow. In all honesty, she's been really curious on what her little sister writes in it. And she has made more than a few attempts at reading it, but always got caught by someone. She even tried to read it during the year but got caught by Weiss or Blake every time.

But there it was, lying right in the open. Where anyone can read about Ruby's inner thoughts and secrets.

'No Yang! Bad Yang!' She thought to herself, 'That is Ruby's personal journal and I'll be invading her privacy and she'll hate me m-hey, wait. Damn it.' Yang had to groan as she looked at the diary in her hand. She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't realize that she had already took it. And was already reading its contents.

_ Entry No: 5 _

_ Title: Leader _

_ Well, it's been a few days since I started to go to Beacon Academy. I still can't believe that Professor Ozpin made me the Leader of my own team! With Weiss Schnee (She sort of reminds me of Snow White), Blake Belladonna (I swear, I saw her bow twitch more than a few times) and my sister Yang Xiao Long. We form Team RWBY. I guess it's probably named after yours truly. But lately, I'm starting to think I'm not really cut out to be one. In stories Yang read to me, leaders are brave, heroic, social, older than most of his troops, helpful and drink Grade S Milk. _

_ But look at me! Sure, I'm definitely brave and heroic, the robbery confirmed that. But, all I have for friends are my team and Jaune, and half of them aren't what I call social. And I haven't even met the rest of Jaune's team properly yet. Also, I'm the youngest girl, wait no, youngest  **student** in history to attend Beacon. And I can't even handle a glass of Lite Milk (not that I'll tell anyone). Plus, today showed me that I should shut up sometimes. But, people are expecting me to be a good Leader and the best of the best. Just like my- _

_ I won't let anyone down, especially Uncle Qrow. _

Yang checked the date and saw that it was the day of their first class. The day Ruby & Weiss started to change for the better and later Blake and herself. She smiled and sighed. It has been one wild ride since that day. Maybe after this, she should get the team something for all their efforts. Someday…

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

She should get Blake to help her with her stealth and her awareness of her surroundings.

"I'm not reading your diary! I deny everything!" Yang yelled out as she quickly hid the book, not paying attention where she hid it,

"Really  _Yang,_ " Ruby said in a sickly sweet voice as she walked slowly up to the blonde, "Then would you please tell why my diary is between your breasts?" Yang slowly looked down and saw that she was right, 'I seriously need to work on my awareness.' Yang thought with a groan,

"Um… I have a good reason." Yang said in a pathetic attempt to escape her adopted sister's rage,

"Tell me." Ruby growled as her arms neared Crescent Rose. Yang needed a miracle right now.

Then she thought of the perfect way to escape.

"I'll tell you how to use my methods." This caused Ruby's eyes to narrow,

"'Your methods'?" Ruby repeated, "What methods?"

"Oh you know." Ruby thought for a moment before she shivered, realizing what she meant,

"You mean…"

"Oh yes, Ruby Rose. Oh yes." Ruby closed her eyes and thought for a moment before opening them up and saying,

"When do we start?"

(A few hours later…)

"So… how are things going?" Blake asked as she wheeled down the hallway to their room with Weiss, "Still worried about Bitch Ruby?"

"Not really." Weiss said as she rubbed the back of her neck, "I'm just thinking about if our friends even know that we're missing."

"I'm sure they probably noticed by now." Blake said reassuringly.

(Team JNPR)

"Hey Jaune."

"Yeah Ren?"

"Any calls from Team RWBY?"

"Nope. Are you worried?"

"No, just wondering."

*DOOR SLAM!*

"Uh… slight problem." Nora said nervously, "Do any of you have lien? Any amount of lien?"

(Team RWBY)

"Yeah, I'm sure." Blake said after pausing for a bit, though Weiss had feeling that anyone barely noticed. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if her parents were too busy to even use a twentieth of their resources to find her apart from finding the Heiress to the company, not their lost daughter, "Anyway, we should really get back." Weiss just nodded and made their way back in silence. When they got there, they heard Ruby & Yang… talking. Not yelling. Not fighting. Not anything that they got used to from the past few days. Just talking like nothing ever happened. It seemed like everything was normal.

Until they actually processed what they were saying.

"Oh…! So all you have to do is stick the flower there, lift that here and…"

"There you go Ruby; you just performed Interrogation Method #0013 on a mannequin! Just remember to make sure,"

"I know, I know! Make sure the bullet is wedged in there."

Weiss and Blake looked at each other before deciding to do something else for a while, leaving the sisters to have their bonding time.

(One hour later…)

"Alright, is everyone here?" Ruby asked as she took a seat,

"We're all here." Weiss answered, 'We're the only ones here.'

"Okay, since we only have four episodes left, we'll be watching the rest of them."

"Hm. May as well make it a tradition." Yang said as she got settled as well. She still sad that Ruby still hasn't forgiven her for knocking her out (she can really hold a grudge), but at least she didn't hate her anymore. She's just less bitchy at her now. Basically, as mean as she is to everyone here, "4-5 at the end just to round it up."

"Why not?" Blake said as she stretched a bit,

"So, shall we?" Ruby asked,

"We shall!" The others said in unison as Ruby pressed play.

**(What's Mine is Yours)**

_At blue base, Tucker and Caboose are talking on the upper level._

**Tucker:**  Man, Caboose. You were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?

 **Caboose:** Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping.

"One, that physically impossible. Two, I think he does that when he's awake." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker:**  That's pretty much how you function while you're awake, too.

 **Caboose:** I think consistency is important.

Ruby wanted to make a comment, but stopped herself, 'Nah, too easy.'

_The camera changes to show Church._

**Church:**  Well, you look ok. Then again, that's just the armor. How do you feel?

 **Caboose:**  Great! …Who're you?

"Someone who got team killed for a flag." (Ruby)

"An asshole with a ghost problem." (Weiss)

"A jerk with a heart of obsidian." (Blake)

"Someone you don't want to meet in real life." (Yang)

 **Church:**  Oh, come on! Not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, of course! I remember you… you're Marvin!

"Oh… sorry Caboose, but the answer was Church. Leonard, Asshole, Douchebag, Fucktard and Cockbite were also acceptable." Yang said like she was the host of a game show.

 **Church:**  I'm  _Church_!

 **Caboose:**  I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil.

"Church is a ridiculous name." Ruby said, "And you know, he sounds more like a John to me."

 **Church:**  You killed me with the tank.

 **Caboose:** Dave!

"Carl?"

 **Church:**  You insulted my girlfriend. You called her a cow.

 **Caboose:**  Karen!

"That's a girl's name, I think." Yang spoke up as Ruby kept muttering out possible names,

"Jayden?"

 **Tucker:**  Dude, he called her a slut.

 **Caboose:**  Phineous?

"Michael?"

 **Church:**  Your whole life is based around pleasing me.

 **Caboose:**  Wally.

"Waldo?"

 **Church:**  In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend.

 **Caboose:**  Milo?

"Mickey?"

"Ruby, give up already." Weiss told her, "And he sounds like a Caleb to me."

_Caboose turns around and whispers to Tucker, but it is loud enough that Church can hear._

**Caboose:**  Psst. The new guy is pretty full of himself.

"Make a song about it." Blake muttered sarcastically.

 **Church:**  New guy? What the- I'm not the new guy.  _You're_ the new guy!

 **Tucker:**  I don't know. I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie.

 **Church:**  Oh, yea? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

"With what? Your Sniper Rifle? Oh, maybe good old fist fighting. Perfect  _for a ghost_!" Weiss exclaimed.

_Caboose, again, turns to Tucker._

**Caboose:**  Psst. What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

 **Church:**  Oh, son of a bitch.

 **Caboose:**  Susan?

"Got it." Ruby said as she snapped her fingers, "Miles."

_The camera then switches to Red Base, where Donut is attempting to jump onto the upper level, with Grif watching over him from above. Donut is making grunting noises as he jumps._

**Grif:** Donut, there is no way you can jump that high.

_Donut pauses for a second after he lands._

**Donut:**  Yes I can.

"He's determined at least." Blake muttered.

_Donut continues jumping, chanting "Yes I can!" as he jumps. Simmons walks up to Grif._

**Simmons:** What the hell is he doing?

 **Grif:**  Losing a bet.

Yang couldn't help but remember the bet she & Ruby made when they were 10 and 12. She couldn't remember what happened but all she knew that there was a conversation about fire lovers for some odd reason and the next thing she knew, the park was on fire…

_Donut lands back on the lower floor._

**Donut:**  Oh, I almost got it that time! Are you sweating yet, sucker?

 **Grif:**  No, I can't sweat. Simmons' stupid sweat glands don't even work right.

"That can't be good." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons:**  What? They were working when I gave them to you.

 **Grif:** Please. I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want them back so bad, take 'em.

"Nope. Just gross."

_Simmons sighs._

**Simmons:** I can't. Sarge says that sweat makes my cyborg parts rusty. So, I'm cooled by Freon now.

 **Grif:** Ah, delicious Freon.

"Uh… what's Freon?" Yang asked,

"I'm guessing a soda; consider this is Sarge's 'work' we're talking about." Blake answered.

_Grif starts to cough violently._

"And that pretty much proves that Sarge is a horrible… everything."

 **Simmons:**  Grif, are you alright? Are my lungs ok? Hey, wait a minute. Are you smoking inside your helmet again?

"No wonder he's coughing!" Weiss exclaimed, "He has new lungs, meaning that he's basically ruining his body… again."

"Ugh, if it makes me remotely like Grif, I am never going to smoke." Ruby said as she grimaced at the mere thought of ending up lazy and fat,

"That's a good campaign: 'Don't smoke or end up like Grif.'" Yang said, "That'll definitely get people to stop or never start." (AN: Well, that's my PSA for the year.)

 **Grif:**  What? No!

_Grif blows out smoke from his helmet as he turns away from Simmons._

**Grif:** …Oops.

 **Simmons:**  Dammit. I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

 **Grif:** None.

 **Simmons:**  …

"C'mon, tell the truth." Ruby said.

 **Grif:**  Ok, five… or more.

"I'm guessing it's more than that." Blake spoke up.

_Donut grunts in the background._

**Grif:**  Baker's dozen at most.

 **Simmons** : Do you even  _know_  how many are in a baker's dozen?

"I don't think he does." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  By my count?

_Donut, again, grunts in the background._

**Grif:**  Forty-eight.

"NO MAN CAN EAT THAT MANY!" Yang exclaimed, "Only Ruby can."

 **Simmons:** Alright. That's it. No more smoking, no more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby! You're not going to ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours.

"He doesn't look that chubby." Ruby pointed out,

"Remember Ruby, the whole series is filmed in a video game. There are limitations and probably because of the storyline of Halo." Blake explained.

 **Grif:**  That's ok. I can think of different ways to ruin them.

"Well, that back fired." Yang stated,

"I think he's going to start smoking even more just to piss him off." Weiss added in.

_A loud noise comes from where Donut was._

**Donut:**  Ah! Ah! Ow! Ahhhhh! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something. Simmons, I need your ovaries!

"Wrong body part," Weiss said, "And wrong gender."

 **Simmons:**  Ugh, I really hate this army.

"Who wouldn't, Simmons?" Yang asked rhetorically.

_Sarge arrives._

**Sarge:**  Grif; Simmons 2.0! I just got off the horn to Command. I'm afraid we have a situation.

"Correction: Who wouldn't, Simmons 2.0?"

 **Simmons:** Ah, don't tell me they canceled the holiday party again! Those cheap bastards. All I wanted was one night of care-free dancing. But  _no_! I ask you when it will be Simmons' turn? When?!

"Someone has issues…" Weiss muttered,

"Dance-related issues." Yang finished.

_Grif and Sarge turn to look at each other before continuing._

**Sarge:** Uh, actually, the problem is with Lopez.

 **Grif:**  Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanish Land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.

 **Simmons** (& Weiss) **:** There's no such thing as  _Spanish Land_ , you retard.

'Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!' Weiss thought to herself repeatedly as she banged her face against her fist.

 **Grif:**  Yes there is. They have those, uh… uh, waterslides. And all that salsa!

 **Simmons:**  No, they don't.

 **Grif:**  Well, I guess you would know.

 **Simmons:**  What's that supposed to mean? For the last time, I'm Dutch-Irish!

 **Grif:**  Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.

"He wasn't that good at Geography, was he?" Ruby said. Even though she never heard of lands called 'Dutch Land' or 'Irish Land', she was sure that this 'Spanish Land' was nowhere near them.

 **Sarge:**  Can it, Frankenstein. We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boilin' over. I've just learned that Command implanted Lopez with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have  _any_ idea what this means?

"That Red Command are full of idiots?" Ruby asked in a dramatic fashion.

 **Grif:** I uh… uh, Simmons? You want to take this one?

 **Simmons:**  Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?

 **Grif:** Certainly not waterslides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa.

"Great save there, Grif…" Weiss said sarcastically with an eye roll.

 **Sarge:**  What it means is that if we don't get back Lopez before the Blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.

"Ew…" The RWBYs grimaced.

 **Grif:**  Ew. Gi-a... that's gross!

 **Sarge:** I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind, in to the tunnel of-

"WE GET THE FUCKING PICTURE!"

 **Simmons:** Sir, I think we get the picture. The very, very disturbing picture.

 **Sarge:** You sure? I could go on.

"No!" Yang exclaimed while trying to hold her puke down, "No more!"

 **Grif:** I'm sure you could. But no. Really.

 **Sarge:**  Just one more?

 **Grif:** Stop.

"Please…" Ruby begged, "Shut the hell up."

 **Sarge:**  Come on, they're fun. Simmons, you try one. I'll start you off. Flyin' by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?

"Go stick a blank in your blank you blankity, blank, blank BLANK!" Weiss exclaimed (AN: Fill in the blanks and put it in the reviews because boredom).

_The screen fades black._

**Simmons:** Sorry sir, I'm not good at word games.

 **Sarge:**  Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks.

"Oh, blank you Sarge!" Yang yelled out, "You're not even a bad leader. You're a horrible one!"

"Yang, shut the hell up and start the next episode!" Ruby ordered, "I want to eat something after this is over."

'Probably to replace everything she'd pooped out.' Blake thought as Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Nut. Doonut.)**

_(Alt: Blunderball, Dr. No-No, You Only Spawn Twice, From Blood Gulch with Love, Dummies are Forever, Pinkfinger)_

_Caboose and Tucker are watching Sheila and Lopez from the top of Blue Base_

**Tucker** : Man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending a lot of time together.

 **Caboose** : I don't like it. He is not good enough for my Sheila.

"I sense jealousy~" Yang sang out,

"Says the girl literally in love with a tank." Blake whispered to Weiss,

"A  _female_  tank, by the way." The Heiress whispered back.

 **Tucker** : But they seem happy together.

 **Caboose** : He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive...and delicate.

"As delicate as a fallout shelter 110,000,000 feet underground." Ruby added in.

 **Tucker** : Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude.

 **Caboose** : She is a precious flower.

"Made of a mix of platinum and stainless steel with a high grade protective coating to pre-"

"WE GET IT, RUBY!"

_Tucker approaches Sheila and Lopez_

**Tucker** : Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor. This might sound strange, but I think Caboose is getting kind of jealous of your relationship.

"Understatement of the century." Weiss muttered.

 **Caboose** : ( _from a distance_ ) Sheila! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!

 **Tucker** : Anyway, could you just try to keep a low profile or something? We don't want some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle.

"And I don't want to see who gets Sheila." Blake said if things went where she thought they were going, 'I wonder if there's such thing as robot-ality. Or-Blake! Don't. Go there. Again.'

 **Sheila** : Tucker, I've been speaking with Lopez, and we feel that the machine has been treated unfairly in this canyon.

"That's right, sister!" Yang exclaimed, causing the other girls to give her weird looks, "Respect the car!"

 **Tucker** : What're you talking about?

 **Sheila** : On a regular basis, we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust.

"That's why you should belong with me." Yang muttered as quietly as possible, not noticing her team mates quickly hopping away.

 **Tucker** : Huh?

 **Sheila** : We have decided that until conditions improve, we are not going to help you in your battles.

 **Tucker** : You're kidding, right?

 **Sheila** : ( _barrel pointing right at Tucker's face_ ) Do I look like I'm kidding?

"Convincing argument, Sheila!" Weiss couldn't help but say as she was moving away.

_Cut to Red Base_

**Sarge** : It's very simple. We use a flea flicker maneuver with a run and gun two by two approach, tactical ops will be... aw hell, who am I kidding? Grif, Donut, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak around back to grab Lopez.

The RWBYs gained a bit of hope at the start of Sarge's tactics, but slumped down at his simplification. And now that they thought about it, Sarge was just naming random and basic tactics.

 **Donut** : Sounds like a plan!

"He's definitely going to die." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : No it doesn't! How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over.

The team had to sigh, feeling sorry for Grif. He was basically the butt monkey of the Reds. That, or Donut.

 **Simmons** : Would 'electrified' be okay?

 **Grif** : No!

 **Simmons** : Well, I'm out of ideas.

"Of course he would…" Ruby muttered with a shake of her head.

 **Grif** : Look, instead of running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

"Smart, and they might even discover that the Blue don't have their tank and Lopez anymore." Weiss said.

 **Donut** : You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear a spy tuxedo-

 **Sarge** : No.

"Who brings a tux into the army?" Yang asked,

"More importantly, into a canyon with the only other guys are out to kill you. Regardless of team colour." Blake added in.

 **Donut** : -with a hidden spy camera-

"Actually pretty useful as long it has a good zoom range." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : No.

 **Donut** : -inside a tiny spy bow-tie-

"No. Just no." Ruby said.

 **Grif** : No.

 **Donut** : -or, I could wear a flower on my lapel-

 **Sarge** : I said no!

"SHUT UP, DONUT!" Weiss yelled out.

 **Donut** : -that sprays water in people's faces-

 **Simmons** : Shut up Donut.

"Useless, considering everyone has  _helmets with visors_." Yang said.

 **Donut** : -no, a secret spy liquid, that would be awesome. ( _He chuckles, everyone stares_ )

Though Ruby thought nothing of it, Weiss, Blake & Yang weren't going to ask what Donut meant by 'Spy Liquid', and in no way in hell they would go search it up.

 **Sarge and Simmons** : No!

 **Grif** : Maybe! Uh, I mean, no.

 **Donut** : Oh, come on! I could be Double O Donut.

 **Simmons** : You mean like, Doonut?

"Doonut say it, ever again." Yang said. She was met with a 'Boo', a dislike and an avocado to the face.

 **Donut** : With a license to thrill, or be thrilled!

"And yet, he doesn't have a license to kill." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : Alright, since you're both so into the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double.

 **Grif** : Great, more time alone with the idiot.

 **Donut** : Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif! Let's pretend we're wearing super spy jet-packs! ( _Grif groans_ ) No, no, no, no. Like this. ( _he makes jet-pack soundsas the scene transitions to a cliff while Donut continues to make jet-pack sounds_ )

"He's like a fucking 6 year old." Weiss said with a groan,

"Nope. A 6 year old is more mature than that." Ruby spoke up.

 **Grif** : Hey, can you not stop that for 2 seconds?

 **Donut** : Come on Agent- ( _he clears his throat to speak with a lower voice_ ) Come on Agent Grif, we've got to hurry if you want to save the princess from the evil goblins.

"Okay, that sounds like one of Ruby's favourite stories." Yang said, remembering the countless times Ruby asked her to read it when they were younger.

 **Grif** : What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

 **Donut** : Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

"Very realistic, Doonut." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Donut, can you go find some higher ground or something?

 **Donut** : But we're on higher ground now.

 **Grif** : Why don't you use your jet-pack to get to the highest ground?

"Yep, because the imagination can do wonders." Yang said sarcastically, 'Then again, a 15 year old girl just made a scythe way bigger than her.'

 **Donut** : Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that.

 **Grif** : No, if they were that stupid we probably would've won by now.

 **Donut** : Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! ( _he makes more jet-pack noises as he runs off_ )

 **Grif** : I could just shoot him, no one would ever have to know. No one.

"You know, I would actually take it if I don't have to listen to him anymore." Blake admitted. The others made a note not to annoy Blake next year.

_Scene cuts to Blue Base. Church is looking out over the canyon, Tucker approaches him_

**Tucker** : Hey Church, we might have a problem.

 **Church** : Is this a new problem, or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?

"How does h-you know what, I'm not going to ask." Weiss said.

 **Tucker** : New one. Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them.

"So it'll be Red vs Robot vs Blue." Yang said, "I would watch that."

 **Church** : What?! Did you try to talk them out of it?

 **Tucker** : No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!

"Well, considering one's a tank and the other is a betrayed robot, I wouldn't even think before even thinking of facing them." Blake stated.

 **Church** : Man, well we gotta find a way to separate them. Maybe it's time to get rid of Lopez.

 **Tucker** : But without Lopez you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?

 **Church** : I would, but it's getting harder to do each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow.

"I guess being possessed by ghost so many times must've made Lopez figure out how to force him out." Weiss said.

_Scene cuts to the cave Doc is in_

**Doc** : You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.

 **O'Malley** : I agree, except replace the words "non" with "extremely!" And after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire!" ( _he laughs evilly. Donut approaches the entrance to the cave._ )

"Well, isn't he a great sport." Ruby muttered sarcastically.

 **Donut** : Hey, what's going on in there?

 **Doc** : We can't do this! They're gonna find out! They'll find out about us, the machine, everything! ( _O'Malley laughs evilly again. Donut gets a little closer_ )

"And now Doc has MPD." Blake said,

"That kinda reminds me of someone…" Yang said slowly as she looked at Ruby,

"WHAT!?"

"Nothing…" Yang muttered, "…Bitch."

 **Donut** : What the-! Those voices sound suspicious.

 **O'Malley** : I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!

"Okay, that is just wrong!" Yang exclaimed, pretty grossed out.

 **Doc** : But I'm a vegetarian!

 **Donut** : Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget. But where's the guy he's talking to?

 **Doc** : We can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude!

" _Rude_!?" Weiss exclaimed, "It's more like screwing everyone over."

 **Donut** : Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.

 **O'Malley** : I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!

"I don't want my soul crapped out!" Ruby exclaimed, "I like my soul in my body, in my awesome abs."

 **Donut** : That sounds even worse!

 **O'Malley** : They will all taste oblivion, which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting.

 **Donut** : Whoa!

"God, I hate Red Bull." Yang said as she stuck out her tongue (AN: An Iron-Mantis joke)

 **O'Malley** : All will perish! ( _He laughs evilly again_ )

"You know, he's talking about 6 dumbasses, 2 g-ghosts with one missing and 2 robots on strike." Blake pointed, "Right?"

 **Donut** : All? That includes me! Oh man, I gotta tell the guys! ( _He runs away_ )

"It's actually pretty important." Weiss said, "If they don't do something, the whole canyon is fucked."

"The whole canyon was already fucked, Pussy Cat." Yang stated.

 **Doc** : Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!

Somewhere in Ruby's mind, Real Ruby had to agree after meeting 'the others'.

_Donut arrives at the cave's exit_

**Donut** : Gotta get back to base! ( _He begins running away_ ) Back, to base! Oh man, there it is! ( _He approaches the base_ ) Guys! Hey guys! Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in that cave that... ( _He sees Sheila_ )

"I don't think that's Red Base equipment." Blake muttered, knowing that Doonut screwed up.

 **Donut:** Hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank? Wait a minute, this looks like the store (*Face Palm*). Except Sarge told me there is no store. ( _Turns around_ ) Oh no!

"Oh Doonut." Yang said with a sigh.

_Caboose and Tucker are pointing their pistols at Donut_

**Tucker** : Oh yeah!

_Grif is watching from the cliff with a sniper_

**Grif** : Oh crap! I knew I should've just shot him! ( _he turns and runs towards Red Base_ )

"I don't bl-" Ruby paused for a second, "Actually, I do blame you, Grif. I would've taken the shot." They also put a mental note not to annoy Ruby in the future, especially after Yang showed her how to use a book as a torture method with being physical with it. After getting some drinks and towels just in case one of them do a spit-take, Blake grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Dealer Incentive)**

_Tucker and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside the Blue Base._

**Tucker** : So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.

"He still thinks Donut is a girl." Weiss said with a face palm and groan while Yang giggled.

 **Donut** : Female!? I'm not a girl.

 **Tucker** : Tease.

 **Donut** : I just have, light red armor.

 **Caboose** : How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...

"Hah! Even Caboose says it's pink!"

"Shut up Weiss!"

 **Donut** : At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!

"I did not want to hear that." Blake said as she grimaced at the image in her head.

 **Tucker** : Silence woman!

_Cut to Sarge addressing Simmons and Grif._

**Sarge** : Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?

 **Simmons** : It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.

"That, or they didn't take in any variables." Blake stated, "Plans must have some flexibility just in case something goes wrong or something goes not according to the plan." She told that mostly to Ruby.

 **Grif** : Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

 **Sarge** : Settle down, ladies. We need a new stratagum, and we need it fast.

 **Simmons** : Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.

"Or he'll be too stupid to give out anything." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?

 **Sarge** : You're right about that, Simmons. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!

"Uh…" The RWBYs didn't know how to respond to that.

_Church enters the Blue Base with Tucker waiting for him._

**Church** : How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

 **Tucker** : I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?

"If they're hungry, then yes." Ruby said, reminding her that she needed to eat.

 **Church** : Do we have a crock pot?

 **Tucker** : No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.

 **Church** : What was in the mystery box?

 **Tucker** : A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.

 **Church** (& Weiss): ...well that's a good trade...

"What!?" Weiss exclaimed, "It really is!"

 **Tucker** : Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen.

Yang was already planning to grab some just in case she wanted to sunbathe.

 **Church** : How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds...

 **Tucker** : ...

 **Church and Tucker** : ...

 **Church** : The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

 **Tucker** : Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.

"Every plan has a catch." Blake stated.

_Camera zips around to another part of the Blue Base, where Caboose and Donut are._

**Caboose** : That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.

 **Donut** : Hmmm, truth!

"You know, I'm not surprised that they're acting like best friends." Ruby said,

"Maybe they just don't care." Weiss told her.

 **Caboose** : Okay. Tell me, all of the Red secret plans!

"Oh, he is not going to,"

 **Donut** : Ahaw, you tricked me! You Blue guys are so smart. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-

"Reveal their secrets…" Blake finished her sentence,

"Well, that rules out Donut in the running for Teammate of the Year." Ruby said sarcastically.

_Church runs up and inhabits Donut._

**Donut** : Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!

"Bad timing by Church." Yang muttered, 'Like there was any secrets.'

 **Church** : Caboose! It's me, Church. I possessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?

 **Caboose** : Ohouw, nothing.

 **Church** : You wanna braid each other's hair?

"I think that was Donut talking." Weiss said.

_Cut to Tucker cresting a hill in the Gulch._

**Tucker** : Hello inferior Red squad!

 **Church** : We would like to talk to you about-

 **Caboose** : Sneak attack!

"So, they want to talk about sneak attacks?" Yang said jokingly, "Glad they're on good terms."

 **Church** : Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.

 **Caboose** : Ahay, sneak negotiation!

_Sarge, Grif and Simmons come to the front of the Red Base._

**Sarge** : What the- Donut! What is this!?

 **Tucker** : I think he's talking to you.

 **Church** : We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us.

"Smooth Church," Weiss muttered with an eye roll, "That'll convince them."

 **Tucker** : Oh, smooth dude.

 **Sarge** : What's this business, the Blues are givin' up? I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat, in a trap. Don't accept it Simmons.

 **Simmons** : You can't surrender Blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender.

"It isn't surrendering." Blake pointed out, "It's a negotiation where both sides are surrendering in order to make a deal they're both happy with."

 **Grif** : Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!

"And that counts how?" Yang asked.

 **Simmons** : Win what?

 **Grif** : I don't know, the war, er something. Right?

 **Simmons** : You're an idiot.

 **Church** : In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me. ( _exchanges glances with Tucker a couple times_ ) ...the pink guy.

 **Tucker** : Are you becoming retarded?

"It's just the Donut in the brain." Weiss said.

 **Simmons** : What should we do, sir?

 **Sarge** : I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the Blue Team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Nooone taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

"So he made the kiss-ass be more of a kiss-ass. Great." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif** : ( _hopping around behind them_ ) Noh I kin, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die! Wohouw.

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAN!" Yang yelled out.

 **Church** : I don't think they're going for it.

_A shot goes behind Tucker, startling him and Church... wouldn't it startle you?_

"Okay, that came out of nowhere!" Ruby yelled.

 **Tucker** : Oh, mother fucker!

 **Simmons** : ( _holding the sniper rifle_ ) Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, bitch!

"Okay, that was uncalled for!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Nice thinkin' Simmons.

 **Grif** : The humanity!

 **Church** : Alright, they surrender!

 **Tucker** : ( _arming his weapon_ ) Fuck that, I'm pissed, let's fight.

"Screw it, if someone shot at me, I'll kill them." Weiss admitted.

 **Sarge** : Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!

 **Church** : Okay, but there's one catch!

 **Sarge** : What in shinola?

"Stop making up words!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Church** : Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing.

"I guess one robot could be the Blue's mechanic and the other as Church's body." Blake said, "But then again, there's always the chance Lopez & Sheila could convince both of them to join their army."

 **Simmons** : Hey that wasn't part of the deal!

 **Grif** : Why exactly are we negotiating with Donut?

 **Tucker** : Church why do we need two robots?

 **Church** : You know... one for me, and... ( _Under breath_ ) one for Texas.

"Oh god fucking damn it!" Ruby growled, "He still loves that bitch!"

 **Tucker** : Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you?

 **Church** : Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirt hole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway.

"Just like everything else in their relationship." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Eh, good point.

 **Church** : Bitch.

 **Sarge** : Alright you Blue scumsuckers! What robot models did you have in mind?

 **Church** : I guess make 'em just like Lopez! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence!

 **Caboose** : These new robots sound much nicer.

 **Tucker** : That's because they sound like you.

"I have to admit, that was a good burn." Blake said.

 **Church** : Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!

"He'd wish he had a bigger one…" Yang said under her breath.

 **Sarge** : Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange.

 **Tucker** : Deal!

 **Church** : Okay. I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base. ( _Leaves Donut's body_ )

 **Donut** : Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee! What the...? Where am I?

 **Caboose** : We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while.

"A nice way of saying you're our hostage." Weiss muttered.

 **Donut** : Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet.

 **Caboose** : ...You're a nice lady.

"Even when he says he's a guy…" Blake said with a sigh.

_Cut to Ghostly Church back at the blue base._

**Church** : Alright guys, I- Sheila? Lopez? What the, why do people keep leaving?

"Because you're a jackass." Ruby stated.

_Back to Reds & Blues._

**Sarge** : Oh blue team... Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots.

"Optional Equipment? What is he talking about?" Yang muttered to herself. Ruby & Blake shrugged, but Weiss narrowed her eyes and smirked after somewhat realizing Sarge's game.

 **Tucker** : What optional equipment!?

 **Sarge** : All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about featuuuures.

 **Tucker** : Like what?

 **Sarge** : You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on. Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?

 **Tucker** : Of course.

 **Sarge** : Asynchronous arm movement isssssss optional!

"WHAT!?" Ruby exclaimed, "He can't do that!"

"Why?" Weiss asked, "The Reds are making the Blues two robots, he may as well make a profit."

 **Tucker** : What? Oh man, I told Church they would try to screw us! What about the feet?

 **Sarge** : Did you want feet?

 **Tucker** : Yeah we want feet!

 **Sarge** : Sorry, feet are optional.

"And a fairly decent one at best." (AN: Iron-Mantis! I'm running out of how to do this!)

 **Tucker** : What's on the bottom of its legs?

 **Sarge** : Legs are optional.

 **Tucker** : Oh man, what a rip off.

 **Sarge** : Options are optional.

"Of course they're optional! They're options! What, do options…" And thus began Yang's 2 hour rant on options are shit and how companies are greedy assholes with no morals or respect.

The others promptly ignored it.

 **Tucker** : What isn't optional?

 **Sarge** : You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out. Have you thought about financing? How's yer credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!

While Blake blushed at every instance and thought when she thought of the word 'Lube Job', Ruby & Weiss waited until Yang stopped her rant, "Done?" Weiss asked,

Yang took in a deep breath and said a big, fat, "NO! Options are,"

"SHUT THE FUCK ALREADY!" Ruby snapped at her, "Options are shit! We get it! Now hurry up, shut the hell up and press the fucking play button! I want to finish the Season." Yang sighed and quickly glanced at the time and saw how far she went with her rant. She blushed and quickly sat down, grabbed the remote and pressed play for the Season Finale.

**(K.I.T B.F.F)**

_Tucker and Church in front of a rock with a note on it, written in binary and signed "Lopez y Sheila"_

**Tucker** : So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here.

 **Church** : Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great.

"Wait, how can Church understand binary?" Yang asked,

"He can't." Blake answered, "I'm guessing he's just assuming why they left. Also, Tucker told him."

 **Tucker** : Didn't they have a non-compete clause?

 **Church** : Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and/or surrender... 0600. What does that mean...

"It means 6  _hours_ or 6 o'clock." Weiss said,

"How would you know? I thought Blake knew more stuff about war than anyone else here." Ruby asked,

"I know some information about military terms; I'm not a dolt like you." Weiss answered, not telling her where she got it from.

(Flashback!)

"Okay, one game for tonight and that's it, Weiss. Just don't go overboard again. Don't go,"

(5 hours and many, many games later…)

"THAT'S RIGHT ASSHOLES! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU AND YOU AND HATE ALL THE BANDS YOU LIKE! YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH!? EAT IT! EAT MY FUCKING DUST, YOU PRICKS! OH, YOU LIKE THAT?! DON'T FUCKING MESS WITH THE PRINCESS YOU FUCKS! KISS MY ASS AND GO DIE IN MY MURDER HOLE! I'LL USE YOUR VIRTUAL CORSPES AS TROPHIES AND HANG THEM NEAR MY FLAT SCREEN TV! I'LL HIRE HACKERS TO HACK YOUR ACCOUNTS AND WRITE YOU SUCK, YOU STUPID CUNTS! I AM AWESOME! WORSHIP ME! MY GUNS ARE DEATH ITSELF! I'LL NEVER DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH *gasp* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-I need to stop playing this game. NO SCOPE, ASSHOLE!"

(End Flashback!)

And she'll never tell she was Number 1 in Vytal on any and every COD game to date.

 **Tucker** : Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the Reds?

 **Church** : It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?

 **Tucker** : Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous.

_Cut to the Red Base. Sarge is standing with a black robot and a cobalt robot._

**Simmons** : How's it going sir?

 **Sarge** : Great! With these new color coded instructions, building robots has never been easier. Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious, heh heh. Uh, except for you, Simmons. No mistakes there.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, I didn't think so sir. You're great at this, even without any formal training, or first party certification.

"You know, apart from some minor things, Sarge did a pretty good job." Blake said, who looked somewhat impressed that he turned Simmons into a cyborg without much training.

 _(Shoots own foot_ )

"Nope, scratch that." Weiss said while Blake face palmed,

"Di-Did he just…" Yang tried to say something but was too busy holding back her laughter while Ruby openly laughed,

"Yep, definitely no mistakes there, Sarge." Ruby giggled, 'Oh my God, he's an idiot!' (AN: Pokemaster94 everyone!)

 **Sarge** : ...Son, did you just shoot yourself in the foot?

 **Simmons** : Yeah, I do that now sometimes. 'n' I'm not really sure why.

 **Sarge** : I'm sure it's user error.

"It's more of a creator error more than anything else." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : ( _running up to the top of the ramp_ ) Hey guys, it's almost time. Are the robots ready yet?

 **Sarge** : Juuuust puttin' on the finishing touches. Gentlemen! Allow me, to, introduce, Francisco Montegue Zanzibar ( _showing the black one_ ). And this one over here is Robot Number 2 ( _showing the cobalt one_ ).

The Team had to giggle at the hindsight.

 **Grif** : Why didn't this one get a fancy name?

 **Sarge** : Let's just say somebody has an over-clocked sass-back chip, and rejected all the names I came up with.

 **Robot Number 2** : ( _The Close Encounters riff everyone knows, except the last note is an error-honking sort of noise_ ) Stick it. You're not my real dad.

 **Sarge** : But that's okay. I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out. Robot, number two! Codewoooord: Dirtbag.

"And yet, another horrible code word." Yang said.

 **Robot Number 2** : ( _two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_ )

_Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position_

"Okay, I definitely expected that." Blake said.

 **Grif** : Ow! Hey!

 **Sarge** : Heh, heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?

 **Simmons** : That's awesome, sir. Let me try, let me try. ( _clears throat_ ) Codeword: Dirtbag.

 **Robot Number 2** : ( _two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_ )

_Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position_

"You know, I would like a robot that does that." Ruby said, 'I'll set to Yang. Codeword: Hair.'

 **Grif** : Ow! Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword: Dirtbag.

"That won't work." Weiss said.

 **Robot Number 2** : ( _two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_ )

_Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position_

Yang couldn't help but laugh, "He just basically punched himself!" She said between laughs.

 **Grif** : Ah son of a bitch.

 **Sarge** : But that's not the only special feature.

 **Simmons** : What do you mean, sir?

 **Sarge** : Well... I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone, that will allow us to eavesdrop on the Blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot, contains a ten megaton bomb, heh heh heh heh he- houw... I guess I kinda gave it away.

"A TEN MEGATON WHAT!?" The RWBYs exclaimed,

"Okay, I get the microphone but does he seriously want to blow up the whole fucking planet!?" Blake exclaimed,

"Blake, this is  _Sarge_ we're talking about." Weiss answered calmly, "He's just THE MOST INSANE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE CANYON!"

 **Grif** : Yeah, ya kinda did.

_Cut to Donut and Caboose in the Blue Base_

**Donut** : I think this is what they call the calm before the storm.

 **Caboose** : I call it nap time. Which is right before food time... And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all.

 **Donut** : Mister Caboose, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be... my friend.

"Aw…" The RWBYs couldn't help but say at the somewhat sweet scene,

"Two idiots coming together to screw the world over." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : ...Private Donut? That sounds like Private Biscuit.

 **Donut** : ( _sobbing_ ) Yes. It, does.

_Cut to the Gulch, where the Reds are in one place with Sarge's robots, and Lopez and Sheila are in another place with ...themselves._

"Awkward~" Ruby sang.

 **Grif** : You think they'll show up?

 **Simmons** : Well my gut says no, but, then again my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about. Stupid gut.

 **Sarge** : Great Caesar's Toast! Looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!

"Correction: Defected Heavy Artillery." Blake corrected.

_Sheila rolls up alongside Lopez_

**Lopez** : What are the Reds doing here? We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.

"I guess they have somewhere to be." Yang guessed, though she was secretly rooting for the one with the tank, "Other places they have to conquer."

_Camera zooms around to Tucker, Caboose and Donut nearby_

**Caboose** : That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

"He got promoted." Blake muttered with a smile.

_Camera backs up behind Sarge_

**Sarge** : Ah ha, they're lining up in flanking formation. Those Blue jackals! Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas. This could get ugly.

_Cut to Tucker, with Church on a cliff in the distance looking through the sniper rifle, and radio sounds_

**Tucker** : Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church.

 **Church** : Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?

 **Tucker** : Sorry man, I'm still picking up the Reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.

 **Church** : Well are you at least getting any useful information?

 **Tucker** : Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?

'It is not a Yaoi, it's not a Yaoi, it's not a Yaoi, for the love of God Blake stop thinking about it!' Blake thought, really trying to fight off her blush. 'WHY DID MOTHER INTRODUCE ME TO YAOI!? Not like I regret it…'

 **Church** : Alright. Get ready to launch Operation: Circle of Confusion.

"Looks more like a triangle…" Ruby noted.

 **Tucker** : Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

 **Church** : What?

 **Tucker** : I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle; it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note.

"It pays to be precise." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God damn show on the road!

 **Tucker** : Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase.

 **Donut** : What're they talking about?

 **Caboose** : Quiet Commander Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're talking about your golden flakey crust.

"Is it me, or Caboose just doesn't plain remember Donut's name?" Yang asked rhetorically.

_Cut to behind the Reds, with Tucker at the top of the hill_

**Tucker** : Hello everyone! We're here to surrender! At this time, we would like to ask for one representative\prisoner from each group to cross sides.

 **Grif** : Hey, I think I see Lopez over there!

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Lopez the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.

 **Grif** : Yep, it's him.

 **Sheila** : Tell him big daddy.

When the others heard Yang growl at 'big daddy', they were getting worried about Yang's mentality, even Bitch Ruby, 'Next thing you know she's doing a strip tease near a car.'

 **Tucker** : Okay, get going pinky.

_Donut starts crossing back to the Reds_

**Caboose** : Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun! I will always remember your buttery goodness! ...Who was that guy?

"Caboose, everybody!" Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Look, they're releasing Donut.

 **Sarge** : Go on, Francis Ex, front 'n' center.

 **Lopez** : A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!

 **Tucker** : Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?

"Yeah, we kinda figured it out as soon as we saw Lopez & Shelia." Ruby spoke for the team.

 **Church** : Just stick to the plan, Tucker. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!

_Lopez arrives between Donut and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar_

**Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Don't move, traitor!

"I don't think it even wants to be there." Weiss pointed out.

 **Sarge** : What does it- it's a double cross! Donut, Frankie Zane, get back here!

 **Tucker** : ( _aiming at Lopez_ ) No! Stay where you are! Do not go back!

 **Simmons** : Now the Blues are aiming at each other? What the hell's going on?

 **Sarge** : We've been outmaneuvered, men! Take cover. I'm calling in an air strike.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me!" Yang exclaimed,

"That's Sarge for you." Weiss said, "The first to call an air strike against two people."

_Loud radio noises_

**Tucker** : OW, MOTHER- what the hell is that noise?

 **Sarge** : Yeh, Red Command, come in! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One! Do you read me?

 **Vic** : Hello, hello, who's there. Come in, is that you Private Tucker? Hello.

"VIC!?" The RWBYs exclaimed, "From Blue Command!?"

"Wait, doesn't that mean…" (Ruby)

"… That all the fighting…" (Weiss)

"… The whole war…" (Blake)

"… Is a fucking lie. The Reds and Blues are the same." (Yang) This caused a silence between everyone for a good while until Blake broke it,

"You know, that explains why they practically have the same equipment. At least in weaponry."

"And that the only difference is their armour colour." Yang added in,

"And that they're not very good at being real soldiers." Weiss added in as well,

"And that they're all idiots in their own unique way." Ruby finished. They stayed quiet and now that they thought about it, it all made sense.

 **Sarge** : Private who? No, Vic, this is Sarge, from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

 **Vic** : Oh, hey there Sarge, long time no see, sorry 'bout that I uh, anyway what can we do here for you at Red Command today?

"Well that confirms it, the war is a lie." Blake said,

"I don't know what to believe in anymore." Ruby muttered.

 **Sarge** : I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic. I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!

 **Vic** : Can do Sarge, I will send an airstrike to target the Blue forces now. Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form.

"Dude, just send in the airstrike! Screw paper work and just send the damn thing!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : But I can't! I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Simmons Two Point O.

_Fax machine sounds, Simmons shakes a lot._

**Simmons** : Whoa! Hmm, excuse me, man it must have been something I ate.

 **Grif** : Hey Simmons? Why is there paper coming out of your ass?

'I wonder what could make someone poop paper…' Ruby thought. When they saw Ruby's face, they added it to the list of things they should really pay attention to.

 **Tucker** : What the hell, Vic! How do you know the Red Team? Why're you helping them against the Blues? What the fuck is going on here?

 **Vic** : Oh... Private, Tucker, you're on here too, uhm... See I uh... You guys are, uh... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.

_Radio noises as the channel is shut down_

"Again, awkward~" Ruby sang out.

 **Sarge** : Wait, Vic. Red Command! Come in, I need ya!

_Cut to Vic_

**Vic** : Well. That's not gonna be very good for business.

"What business is he talking about?" Weiss muttered.

_Back to the Reds_

**Sarge** : Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!

"No it isn't!" Yang yelled out, "Wait, I retract my statement! Go die! Preferably now!"

 **Grif** : Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?

 **Simmons** : Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.

 **Sarge** : No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ( _charges up the hill_ )

"That's one way to disrespect them." Blake said.

 **Tucker** : Wait everyone, stop fighting!

"Finally, a voice of reason." Weiss said, relieved.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, come on!

 **Tucker** : It's all a lie!

 **Sarge** : Let's go! Haha

 **Tucker** : Red is blue! Blue is red!

 **Sarge** : Yeah, kablammo!

"Yeah… I don't think he's stopping." Blake pointed out.

 **Tucker** : We're all the same!

 **Sarge** : Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

_Radio noises_

**Church** : ( _arriving with everyone else_ ) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!

"And no one's listening…" Weiss said.

 **Sarge** : Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 **Caboose** : This is fun!

 **Sarge** : Yaaaaaaaaaaaakakakakakakaka Oh, dammit! Gaaaaaaaaaa!

"This could end badly." Ruby said.

 **Simmons** : Quiet Sarge, I can't hear what that guy's yelling!

 **Sheila** : Lock and load.

"YES! KILL THEM ALL!" Yang yelled out without thinking. There was a very awkward silence as the girls shifted away from the blonde. Yang looked around and saw them moving away, "I mean… die Sarge. Die."

Still more silence.

"I'M NOT CRAZY!"

"S-Sure." Blake said, kinda scared.

 **Sarge** : I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!

"Exactly like Yang's mind set." Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker** : Stop fighting! Stop fighting!

 **Sarge** : I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!

"Exactly like Yang's mind set."

 **Simmons** : What did you say, Blue?

_Church takes over Robot Number 2_

**Robot Number 2** : Hegakergerk, wheh!

"Church got a body now." Weiss stated.

 **Sarge** : Kaboom!

 **Tucker** : I said, there's no Red versus Blue! It's all the-

_Doc flies in on the alien vessel and shoots Tucker in the back with a rocket_

"SON OF A BITCH!" The RWBYs yelled,

"That's actually a vehicle!?" Blake exclaimed, 'Oh shit, it even floats! Yang's going to have a hay-day.'

 **Tucker** : Waaaaaa son of a bitch!

 **Sarge** : What the hell is that?

 **Church** : What the hell is that!?

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  ¿Mira que cosa?

 **Donut** : Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!

_Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Donut, Caboose, Lopez, and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar, making them scatter._

"Oh, they're so going to die." Weiss said, "They're all going to fucking die."

 **Doc** : Oops! Sorry about that big explosion!

 **O'Malley** : Sorry it wasn't bigger! ( _Evil laugh_ )

 **Church in Robot Number 2** : Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere, that's O'Malley!

_Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Church, Zanzibar, Sarge, Caboose, and Donut, making them scatter._

"So close…" Yang muttered.

 **Doc** : My bad!

 **Church** : ( _to Zanzibar_ ) Come on robot, you're with me.

 **Lopez** : ( _Shooting at Church and Zanzibar_ ) Sheila, stop them!

 **Sheila** : My pleasure. ( _Aims at them and fires_ )

There was a small noise outside and only Blake noticed thanks to her hearing, but ignored it and went back to watching.

_Cut to Sarge and Grif behind a rock_

**Sarge** : Grif. We're going to die. I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield.

 **Grif** : Yeeeah. I hope you die first too, Sarge.

"Very honorable, Grif." Ruby muttered.

_Church and Zanzibar crest the hill to arrive at Tucker's location_

**Church** : Tucker, Tucker! Are you okay?

 **Tucker** : ( _lying lifeless on the ground_ ) Church. The purple guy. He's-

 **Church** : Yeah I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow.

 **Tucker** : No. He's an asshole.

"Famous last words." Blake muttered.

 **Sheila** : ( _in background_ ) Lopez! No!

 **Caboose** : Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles and I don't?

"I think Tucker might be dead." Weiss said, "Right before he was about to tell the truth behind the 'war'."

_O'Malley laughs evilly in the background. Sheila rolls up to the Blues_

**Sheila** : Help! He took Lopez!

 **Church** : What? Where'd he go?

_O'Malley laughs evilly as the camera zips to the Red Base, with him standing with Lopez on it_

**O'Malley** : Here I am, you fool!

"Okay, I have to admit he's fast." Ruby admitted, "Almost as fast as me."

 **Church** : How'd he get up there so quick?

 **Donut** : That guy's wicked fast!

 **Doc** : Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!

"Seriously, what is this high school? And what is this 'Track'?" Blake wondered.

 **Grif** : Track sucks!

"Well, apparently it sucks according to Grif." Ruby said.

 **O'Malley** : You suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!

"You know, O'Malley isn't really that evil. At least when he's in Doc." Weiss pointed out.

_Grif and Simmons look at each other_

**O'Malley** : The Universe will be mine! ( _Evil laugh_ )

"For an A.I, he laughs a lot." Ruby said, now getting annoyed by his laughter.

 **Sheila** : Lopez! No!

 **O'Malley** : Move it, brown bot.

_Lopez and O'Malley run through the teleporter_

**O'Malley** : In to the abyss!

"Or space!" Yang added in.

_Cut to Church, with a lingering evil laugh from our favorite homicidal A.I._

**Church** : Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out. Truce!

 **Caboose** : Time out!

_Church and Caboose run up to the Reds_

**Grif** : Would someone explain what just happened here?

 **Church** : That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez.

"Great name for a possibly ancient alien vehicle." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back.

 **Church** : Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker.

 **Grif** : So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

 **Simmons** : No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

"Oh, are they seriously going to fight irony?" Ruby complained,

"Hey, Grif & Simmons fought about how to pronounce 'both', they're fighting over a flag and we fought about the name of the Chupathingy, any fight is possible." Weiss said, pronouncing both as 'bolth' and thinking about calling it a Puma.

 **Donut** : No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.

 **Sarge** : I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

"Getting off topic…" Yang muttered.

 **Caboose** : I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron.

_Black screen with message: two hours later. Cut to everyone on top of the red base, including Sheila and Doc's discarded scooter._

**Church** : Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that...

 **Sarge** : Yes.

The RWBYs had to face palm on how long it took to reach that conclusion.

 **Simmons** : And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates.

Blake had to admit she was impressed by Simmons. He reprogrammed a teleporter in a matter of 2 hours or less, which would've taken maybe a few days at most if it was someone from Vytal.

 **Sarge** : We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our man will be Donut.

 **Caboose** : We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!

"Okay, that's not even a real pastry!" Weiss exclaimed. Ruby was starting to drift off as her hunger started to get the better of her.

 **Church** : Caboose...

 **Caboose** : We will leave Sheila.

 **Donut** : Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own.

"I… actually believe him." Blake said, remembering his amazing grenade throw.

 **Church** : Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Today seems like a good day to teleport. ( _Running in to the teleporter_ ) Geronimo!

 **Caboose** : ( _Running in to the teleporter_ ) Paskataway!

"I don't know what that word is but it sounds delicious." Ruby muttered as she went deep into another food coma.

 **Simmons** : Hmmm...

 **Grif** : What's wrong?

 **Simmons** : I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again.

 **Grif** (& RWBY's thoughts): And that's a bad thing?

'So lucky no one heard that.' The team thought as they all gave a sigh of relief and wiped some sweat off their brow.

 **Simmons** : Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird. ( _Runs in to the teleporter_ )

 **Church** : Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?

 **Grif** : After you.

"I guess they are kinda on friendly terms." Yang said,

"That, or he wants Church to go first just in case they end somewhere they really shouldn't have."

_Church runs through the teleporter, followed closely by Grif_

**Donut** : Hah. I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage when I was in the cave. ...Ah well. ( _Turns to face Sheila_ ) Uh, hi!

"Once again, awkward~" Ruby sang, "For everyone else."

 **Sheila** : Stop staring at my treads, buddy.

 **Donut** : Geeze. Sorry.

_Francisco Montegue Zanzibar's body shakes a lot, then stops_

**Tex in Zanzibar's body** : Alright you sons of bitches, I'm back, and I've got some- Hey- hey where'd everybody go?

"Kinda late for the party, bitch!" Ruby growled,

"She does know that Tex doesn't really exist, right?" Weiss whispered to Yang,

"And did that stop her from destroying my Romeo & Juliet book?" Yang whispered back. In all honesty, she never read it before and only bought because the boy on the cover was hot and Ruby asked her to. She never could remember the author's name though.

 **Tex:** ( _sees Donut_ ) Do I know you? Hey! You're the girl that killed me!

"And for the fourth time today,"

"Awkward~" WBY finished for R,

"Even the girl thinks Donut is a girl." Blake muttered,

"He's gotta switch armour colours soon." Yang said.

_Sheila turns her turret from Tex to Donut_

**Donut** : ( _turning to face the camera_ ) Uh oh.

"Well, Donut is fucked!" Ruby said,

"We've been saying that a lot about Donut aren't we?" Weiss pointed out. Ruby & the rest of her team just shrugged and continued watching.

_Sarge and Caboose emerge standing in a stream_

**Sarge** : Prepare to surrender, Dirtbag!

 **Caboose** : Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.

 **Sarge** : Not you, moron. Wait a minute, where are we?

The girls were wondering too. They were sure it wasn't Blood Gulch since there was water. Then they asked a more important question.

"Where are the others?"

_Simmons emerges in what appears to be an industrial complex of some sort._

**Simmons** : Guys? Oh guys... Where is everybody?

_Cut to Church and Grif standing on a cliff in Sidewinder_

"Holy Shit, that's Sidewinder." Weiss said as the others gasped.

 **Church** : Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?

 **Grif** : Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?

_Someone in tan armor steps behind them, pointing his gun at them_

**Soldier** : Freeze, drop your weapon!

 **Church** : Uh oh.

 **Soldier** : I said freeze, Dirtbag!

 **Church** : ( _two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound_ )

"Wait for it…" Weiss said to build it up.

_Church's body automatically punches Grif_

**Grif** : Ow! Aw, come on!

"Okay, I have to admit, that is funny!" Ruby said between laughs. The others laughed too before settling down,

"Things are finally starting to get serious." Weiss said, noting the fact that there was more to Capturing the Flag than it meets the eye now,

"And the Reds and Blue are separated now." Blake added in, "And O'Malley is planning to rule the world."

"You think the Reds & Blues can save the world?" Yang asked.

There was a big silence.

A very long silence.

Until they snapped.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"R-Really?" Weiss said through her tears, "Those idiots! Impossible!"

"Yang, they're the worst soldiers to date." Blake chuckled, "I don't think that they could kill a spider!"

"Y-Yang, that was the stupidest question you've ever asked!" Ruby said as she laughed, feeling a bit dizzy,

"Yo-You know what, you're right!" Yang said as she wiped away her tears, "God that was stupid."

"Yeah, you probably got it from your parents. Dumb assholes."

Suddenly, the sound of mental glass shattering entered their ears. 'Oh shit…' Weiss & Blake thought as they started to exit the room very quickly, "Well, Weiss. I guess you're the leader now!" Blake said as she wheeled down the hallway as fast as she could. Weiss stayed quiet, remembering her promise to be the best team mate before stopping,

"No." Weiss said quietly, "I made a promise about not abandoning my team mates and I'm keeping it." Weiss told Blake as she pulled out Myrtenaster, ready to defend Ruby Rose, "Even if she is a bitch." Blake sighed before smiling and they got to the dorm.

(Meanwhile…)

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Yang yelled as her hair ignited and was starting to burn the ground around her. Ruby was literally shitting her panties right now and they weren't going to stop any time soon, "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

She didn't know if it was from her hunger or the fact that was scared, but all she knew was that she was starting to succumb to sleep. Her head was spinning and she couldn't tell if she was dying or not. All she wanted to do was let go of reality. Maybe have some peace…

"RUBY! ANSWER ME!" Nope, she was definitely afraid, 'Oh crapppp…' Was Ruby's last thoughts as she shitted one last time before slumping to the ground with a thud, "RUBY! Ruby! Ruby?" Yang said as she slowly calmed down. Then door flew open, with a white blur tackling Yang and a black blur go to Ruby. Weiss was on Yang and started swinging at her head in hopes to knock her out but she blocked every attack, "What! The! Hell! Weiss!" Yang yelled as she emphasized each word with her blocks,

"I won't! Let you! Kill! Ruby!" Weiss yelled in a similar fashion but with obvious differences. She got fed up with trying to hit her with Myrtenaster so she grabbed the fiery blonde's collar and started choking her, Simpsons Style, "Why you little…!"

"I'm not trying to kill Ruby!" Yang tried to say, but ended up sounding like an old woman with a smoking problem,

"WEISS!" Blake yelled at her, "Stop now." She growled while giving her a cat glare, causing the Dust Mistress to drop her victim, "Ruby is okay." Blake told her slowly as she pulled out her Scroll. She knew Ruby was breathing, she was worried about her brain though,

"Oh thank God." Weiss gave a sigh of relief, "Is she going to be fine?"

"Oh, she's fine." Blake told her. And she was sure, until she scanned her brain, "She's just in coma. Again." Suddenly, they heard a rustling of clothes behind them. They turned around and saw Yang's clothes scattered around the floor, and a moaning and groaning lump in her bed with her lifeless blonde hair poking out.

The Ice Princess & the Fauna just sighed, "I'll go take care of Yang." Blake said as Weiss picked up Ruby,

"Back to the infirmary with you." Weiss muttered under her breath as she slung the unconscious girl over her shoulder. Weiss & Blake sighed again as they did their tasks.

This really was going to be a long summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	20. JNPR-Voting Sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB songs, scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by RT.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Chapter 20: Voting Sucks

Weiss was wandering around the empty halls of Beacon, passing some time before she went to check up on Ruby. She sighed remembering everything that's happened so far, with Yang still in bed and Blake finally out of her cast, and what was coming in the future. She looked out the window, wondering what everyone else was doing. Hell, she even settle with a phone call to that lovable goofy idiot, Jaune, 'You know, now that I think about it, didn't I hear a fire in the background?' Weiss thought as remembered their last phone call, 'What the fuck are they doing?'

(Team JNPR)

"This is not how I saw spending my summer vacation." Ren muttered,

"Hey, it's either this or not seeing our families until next year." Pyhrra said as she helped Jaune,

"And cheer up! At least we're not running away from people trying to kill us anymore!" Nora added in, trying to cheer her friend up. But she herself knew that if she didn't get out of the place in the next couple of minutes, things will explode. This caused Ren to shrug while Jaune just groaned. It's been a few days since they were chased out of their motel thanks to the fact that they ran out of Lien. Well, not completely. Everyone had at least 50 Lien in their pockets and Jaune had access to the Arc family funds. Too bad there wasn't an ATM in a 100 mile radius and Jaune felt guilty if he even dipped a finger in his family's savings, and it was either use what money they had for food or fuel for Tex's truck. Luckily, they had enough fuel to make it to the next town. Not so luckily, they were flat broke. So, they had no choice.

They all got jobs.

They would've been bounty hunters, but Nora showed too much enthusiasm for their liking. Also, they were supposed to bring them in alive and conscious so they quickly crossed that off as a possibility. And there weren't any jobs for handling Grimm so that was out. They tried food testing… they promised to never speak about it again after Jaune got drunk after eating 'Beer Sushi' (The classic of taste of Sushi with the alcohol content of a 12 pack of Jack Daniels). Let's just say many things were said, broken and forgotten. So, it eventually came down to this.

Being janitors at a civilian school, for those who don't want to be Hunters.

It was both soul-rending and sad, considering who they are. Jaune snapped out of his thoughts as his pager started beeping. He looked at the message and sighed, "Joel brought another squirrel he punched to unconsciousness." Pyhrra sighed, knowing that it was her turn,

"How many thought it was dead?" She asked flatly,

"7 missed the toilet, 3 in the cafeteria, 4 on the on the benches, another 3 in the bin." Pyhrra just sighed again, grabbed a mop and a bucket and started dragging herself to the area. The JNPRs were really starting to hate this place by now. This was the 10th time this happened this week, and it wasn't getting better. Ren checked, and saw that this place has something special above them, exactly where the team worked at. And no one else went to that floor. Not even a stupid student who gotten him/herself into a dare. Apparently, their jobs were allocated according to popularity, skill, importance and asbestos levels. It even said that on the employee manual Nora somehow lost in the car.

What could make it worse?

They were practically volunteering. The guy who hired them was a cheap bastard named Gus "The Horse Puncher" Hullum who was only giving them enough money to buy fast food for dinner every day. And they were getting sick and tired of eating burgers for the past few days, especially Pyhrra who was a big health nut. And she couldn't look at another veggie burger. Anyway, as she walked towards her destination, she overheard two janitors,

"Hey, did you hear? The director for the musical quit his job yesterday." One of them said. He had a very gravelly voice, "And the composer for the band as well."

"Hey, why are you telling me about this shit. I don't care." His friend said,

"I do! It's my chance to finally achieve my dream!"

"Dude, you have stage fright and judgment issues. You cried when your FanFiction got its first bad review! Though, it would be nice if I had the skill. Have you seen how much this school fucking pays those guys? It's enough for at least 8 people! And then some!" This caught Pyhrra's attention, 'Maybe we can take over…' Pyhrra thought as she picked up the pace, 'Then we can quit after we refuel the truck!' But all she needed was a song. She knew she & the others were bad at writing songs, but were quick learners and she also heard yesterday from the composer (if he wasn't screaming at them) that the school band were as well. And from what Nora found out from around town that there was an election coming up. All they needed was a song…

Suddenly, she remembered Jaune's collection of Red vs Blue songs.

She groaned, knowing it was they were only way out of this hell hole. But she may as well have fun with it at least.

(A few days later…)

Jaune wondered how he got dragged into this. First, Pyhrra asked for his Scroll. Then she got the whole team into some production about Vytal's governing system. And  _THEN_  she got Nora, himself and Ren to be actors of the play while she composed the band. All he knew that they were getting paid a lot of money. But he trusted Pyhrra's judgment and put on his costume. He made sure he looked good in the mirror before going out to the play.

(A few scenes later…)

"I don't know how voting works." Jaune (at least, his character 'Miles') said,

"Really Miles?" Ren ('Monty') asked, "You never learned about."

"Nope. Never learned how our government works."

"Well, we can teach you!" Nora ('Sam') exclaimed, "Right Monty?"

"Alright Sam." 'Monty' said as drums started playing, "You go first."

"Okay!" 'Sam' saluted as she took a deep breath and sang. Cue the musical number.

 **Nora:**  Well let us share with you our knowledge, about the Electoral College

 **Jaune** : It comes after voting high school

 **Ren** : No it doesn't, that's a lie, fool

 **Jaune** : Right, I meant high school civics

 **Nora** : Come on, boys, now be specific!

To sing this here election song for us, I think you'll need a big strong chorus!

Suddenly, lights hit Pyhrra and the school band, showing her a really beautiful, red dress with matching gloves, and she looked like she loved this. Jaune had to fight a blush to keep in character.

 **Jaune** : Uh, who're these guys?

 **Pyhrra & the band**: We are citizens of this land, and we're here to lend a hand.

We come together and we vote, because we're all in the same boat.

 **Jaune** : Elections take place at sea?

 **Ren** : They're speaking metaphorically.

 **Pyhrra**   **& the band** : It's our future that we are choosing.

 **Jaune** : Voting is time travel? This is so confusing!

 **Pyhrra & the band**: It's a lot of work to master, but it's really got its perks, but that's how voting works!

 **Jaune** : Wait, what's how voting works? I know less than I did before

 **Nora** : Well if you shut up for a minute, they might tell us more

 **Pyhrra & the band**: Our elective Representative come from every state

And that's what gives us strength through adversity

It's not a university

 **Jaune** : And we vote every four years

 **Pyhrra** : Every Two!

 **Jaune** : Wait is that true?

 **Ren** : Don't you pay attention to the midterm campaign?

 **Jaune** : This has to stop, voting hurts my brain!

 **Pyhrra & the band**: It might seem a little crazy, and yes it's got its quirks but that's how voting works...

 **Jaune** : Ahh, I get it now, so the president is elective by popular vote, and whoever gets more than 50% of that, wins!

 **Nora** : Actually no, the president is chosen by a group of 538 electors representing each state and the Mistral Region

Most states have a winner takes all system, but some states like Vacuo and Atlas have proportional representation

If no candidate gets the majority of the Electoral College then the winner is chosen by the House of Representatives

 **Jaune** : But my vote still counts right?

 **Ren** : Oh yeah, definitely.

 **JNPR** : I know the guys we are choosing from are all a bunch of jerks, but that's how voting works!

The place was met with cheers and applause, making Jaune & his team smile as they all waved at the crowd, "I could get used to this…" Jaune said through his teeth. He just couldn't stop smiling.

"We should be a travelling band!" Nora suggested as she waved at everyone, "JNPR on the Road!"

"You know Nora, we should. Then we don't have work at shitty jobs like being janitors and we'll get to our families."

"Woo hoo! Team JNPR is now a band!" Nora cheered. Pyhrra heard everything and after the show ended and they got their pay, she agreed with the idea. Ren, seeing that he was out numbered, joined in too. Pyhrra knew that they had to use more RvB songs to make it back home, but she didn't care anymore. As long as Jaune or the others find the episodes, everything will be fine. Later that night, they checked into a motel, making a note to buy some instruments tomorrow before deciding who plays what. After a bit of small talk, everyone went to bed. Pyhrra was about to go to sleep until her Scroll started blasting 'Fragments'. She quickly answered and went outside into the night, not wanting to disturb the others,

"Hello?"

" _What are you doing!?_ " Pyhrra's eyes widened at the voice, " _I saw the show. Do you fucking kn-_ "

"I know what I'm doing." Pyhrra stated, "You said episodes. Not songs. And we need the money to make it back home."

" _I could always send money to you, Nikos._ "

"No. The others will get suspicious about me somehow getting a large amount of Lien in a short amount of time and considering that we're practically together all the time now since I'm the only one who can drive. And this will be a good experience for us. Please understand." The man didn't respond for a few seconds before saying,

" _Alright._ " The man said begrudgingly, " _I'll send you a list of songs to your Scroll your team will be allowed to play. Do not reveal the existence of the episodes._ "

"Okay, I'll make sure of that. Good-bye."

" _Thank you for keeping this conversation under one minute._ " Pyhrra's Scroll vibrated again, indicating she got an email. She quickly opened it up and saw the selection, 'Just enough songs to get back home.' She thought as she turned off the device. She breathed in the night air for a few more minutes before going back inside the room, thinking that this summer will be very interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	21. Hiding in Plain Fright (The Best Laid Plans, Visiting Old Friends, Let's Get Together)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue are owned by Rooster Teeth and is copied off the wiki.
> 
> Load Game.. Start!

'Where… am I?' Was Ruby's first thought as she stood up in the dark room. Her mind was going blank for some reason and she couldn't really… remember who she was a few seconds. Her head was killing her and she could barely stand, "Y-Yang! Weiss! Blake!" She yelled out, trying to find her team mates. But she knew they wouldn't come.

It was all part of the dream.

Just as expected, she fell to her knees, clutching her head as though she's been hit by a baseball bat. She saw flashes of things, repeating over and over. Light, Darkness, Stars, Dirt, Pain, Comfort. It was all unbearable. Suddenly, the flashes stopped. She was breathing heavily, tired from all the pain. Suddenly, she started hearing voices. Some she could make out, some barely recognizable. Some just couldn't really understand. All of them calling out her name, 'Stop it! STOP IT!'

_Go on… without me_

And that's when she woke up in the infirmary. It was late at night the other RWBYs were sleeping in their beds. She was sweating and everything was a bit blurry to her, "What a nightmare…" Ruby muttered as she lay back down on her pillow. She turned her head and found a calendar hanging on a wall. Ruby focused her eyes saw the date, "I've been out for a week? Ah… fuck." She cursed. Suddenly, it hit her.

What would the others think?

'If I keep going into comas like this, they might think I'm weak and they'll kick me off the team!' Ruby thought frantically, 'And then I have to go into another team, deal with Weiss who'll bitch at me every day, Blake probably will get angry at me and Yang…' Ruby eyes then widened in fear, remember her treatment of her a week ago, 'OH SHIT! YANG'S GOING TO KILL ME!' She quickly got off her bed and found Crescent Rose under her bed. She grabbed it and gave a sigh of relief, 'Now my baby's back with me, I… can…' Ruby drifted off, realizing something really important, 'Uh… how do I use this thing again?' She tried to remember and tried doing a basic slice, but for the life of her she couldn't remember how she did it. She eventually gave up and set her giant scythe down so she could try to perform a punch, 'Okay, all I have to do is… uh… wait, what was a punch again? Actually, how to you fire a gun?' And then it hit her. Hard, 'OH FUCK, I FORGOT HOW TO FIGHT!' She started hyperventilating as she sat back down on her bed. She had no idea how to defend herself apart from running away, crawling into a fetal position and calling for mummy, and like hell she would any of them! The only other option was…

'I need to hide!'

(A few hours later…)

It was a peaceful morning at Beacon Academy. The birds were chirping (before they got eaten by a Grimm) as the sun started to rise over the horizon, the grass was covered in mildew and the sky was clear of clouds. It was truly a sight anyone would kill to see, to experience the greatness of the sight before them.

*SNORE!*

If they could ignore a certain sleeping, drooling blonde. Blake & Weiss sighed as they got up and stretched. They discovered early in the year that Yang was a heavy sleeper and an even heavier snorer. They got used to it sure but it took many nights and hours to even get a decent amount of sleep. But it was even worse if Ruby (on occasion) didn't unconsciously start sucking on her thumb in her sleep. It was like dealing with two drugged Ursas. Anyway, the two known conscious girls did their daily morning routines before doing their jobs. Blake would try and wake up Yang before getting her to check their food supplies while Weiss took care of their comatose Leader. It wasn't a very long walk but it gave Weiss enough time to go down Memory Lane. Even after almost dying, getting the feeling of betrayal, breaking apart and fighting, they were still the same girls they were when they entered Beacon. Ruby was a better Leader, Weiss was nicer (still had her moments though), Blake was more open and Yang… They were just that little bit more awesome than they were before. But in hindsight, nothing much has changed. Weiss' father was still trying to eliminate the White Fang and anything related to them, Roman & Cinder would probably break out and go on the loose trying to get revenge, Ruby was still angsting over her missing loved ones, Blake was still hiding her Faunus heritage and Yang was still… Yang. Now that thought about it, Yang didn't change the most. Fuck, she was sure Jaune was about around Pyhrra's level now and he was pretty useless at the start of the year! Weiss sighed, seeing even though they've come so far, they were practically back where they started, just slightly better than they were before. Weiss shook her head as she saw the infirmary door, wondering why she even started thinking about it. The past was the past. The future however, still needed to be written,

"Hello Ruby." Weiss muttered as she entered the room. She suddenly felt something was off about the room. She narrowed her eyes and looked around, "Must be my imagination." She guessed and went to Ruby's bed, "Okay, let see if I can wake you up now." Weiss said as she prepared Myrtenaster and pulled the sheets off of the bed.

(RWBY's Dorm)

*Poke*

*Twitch*

*Poke*

*Twitch*

*Poke*

*Twitch*

*Poke*

"Oh… Moto-kun…" Blake eye twitched again for the 13th time this morning. She wasn't really comfortable with waking Yang up in fear that she would piss her off to the point of exploding so she settled for poking at the Shot-Gauntlet Wielder's cheek. And if all else failed, she would just slap her, "Stop touching me there…" *SNORE!*

'What kind of dream is she dreaming about!?' Blake thought, wondering if it was a fetish or something, 'This is getting way too creepy for my liking.' Blake sighed knowing that poking was useless so she pulled her hand away and aim for Yang's cheek, "This is going to hurt me than it is going to hurt you." Blake said, preparing for a beat-down. Right when she was about to slap the car-loving girl awake, she was interrupted by the Ice Princess herself,

A 'WHAT THE FUCK!' could be heard all over the school. Yang's eyes snapped open and quickly did her morning routine at Ruby & Blake's speed combined before grabbing the Cat-Girl and dragging her to the infirmary.

(Infirmary)

"HOW COULD YOU LOSE A GIRL IN A FUCKING COMA!?" Yang yelled at Weiss as her hair flickered alight, "YOU'RE THE WORST DOCTOR EVER!"

"Of all time." Weiss added in without thinking,

"WHATEVER!" She then grabbed Weiss' jacket and pulled her up, face-to-face, "I swear if Ruby was kidnapped, I'll…"

"Y-Yang. I-I-I'm still here." A familiar voice stuttered, "S-Sorry for worrying you all."

"Ruby!?" The girls exclaimed. Yang let go of Weiss and started looking around for her, "Where are you?" Yang asked, happy that her sister was still with her,

"I-I'm here." Blake narrowed her eyes. Ruby doesn't stutter this much,

"Exactly where is 'here'?" the cat girl asked as she looked around. There was a silence for a few seconds before Ruby responded,

"I feel m-more comfortable n-not telling where I am." Yang groaned when she heard her sister's answer, realizing what Phase Ruby is in,

"Ninja Ruby." Yang said with a sigh, "You better get used to hearing the disembodied voice of Ruby because we're going to have to deal with it for a while."

(RWBY's Dorm)

"Are you sure you don't want to sit down, Ruby?" Weiss asked as she sat next to an empty chair while Yang set up the TV,

"N-No. I'm fine right here. In my spot." Ruby said. Blake was pretty jealous by now. She somehow snuck past them without being detected, even with Blake's superior hearing. Fuck, her voice sounded like it was coming from the room itself, like she was in their heads. She wondered if she could get some tips from her. It can really freak out their enemies, like it was creeping Weiss out. After a few minutes, the TV was set, popcorn and drinks at their side, a box labeled 'In case something shit goes down' at arms length and the remote being mis-

"Hey! Where's the remote?" Yang asked,

"U-U-Um, I-I have it." Ruby said, "S-S-Sorry."

'Okay…' Yang thought, "Are you going to start this thing or what?"

"Hurry up Ruby!" Weiss said as she ate some popcorn,

"Let's see what's going to happen next." Blake muttered,

"A-Alright. Time to watch Part 3 of the Blood Gulch Chronicles!" Ruby exclaimed as she pressed play.

**(The Best Laid Plans)**

_Fades in on Tucker lying face down in the ground, with Donut standing over him_

**Tucker** : ( _lifeless moans_ )

"Great, pervert's alive." Weiss muttered bitterly,

 **Donut** : Come on Mister Blue Guy, you gotta wake up. Wake up.

 **Tucker** : It hurts. Just let me die.

"He must be in a lot of pain." Yang said, feeling bad for Tucker, "Someone shoot him. Now."

 **Donut** : You can't die, I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

The RWBYs couldn't help but look at Blake for a second before going to the TV again.

_Cut to Tex and Sheila_

**Tex** : I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

"Yeah, because it's really sexy staring at a girl's chest plate." Weiss said sarcastically.

_Cut back to Donut and Tucker_

**Donut** : You see? Boring stuff like oppression, and a hostile work environment.

"Basically our world." Blake muttered.

 **Tucker** : Get Doc, I need Doc.

 **Donut** : I can't. He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped. He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?

 **Tucker** : I know. I want him to shoot me again.

"Okay, someone please kill him." Weiss said, not trying to imagine living a life of pure pain.

 **Donut** : Now now now, sounds like someone's got a case of the "poor me"s. If you were gonna die you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize, you're gonna have to live with intense pain.

"You're making it worse, Donut!" Ruby stated, "Just shoot the poor guy and end it!" Hearing Ruby's voice without seeing her was pretty unnerving to the girls.

 **Tucker** : Get that Sarge guy, have him make me a new body.

 **Donut** : Huhg, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke.

"And things start to get Meta." Yang said dramatically.

 **Donut:** And Sarge left with the others to chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a fool-proof plan to catch him.

"As fool-proof as a plan that involves Caboose can get." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to Simmons in one of many similar corridors of grey between red walls_

**Simmons** : Hellooooo... Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.

_Radio sounds_

**Simmons** : Sarge. This is Simmons 2.0, do you read me. Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably.

"Kiss ass one minute, asshole the next." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons:** I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the Universe... Or it's a janitor's closet, the hell I don't fucking know, Sarge, are you there, Sarge!

_Cut to Sarge and Caboose standing in a stream_

**Sarge** : Hello, anyone! Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. ( _Sound of his radio turning off. To Caboose_ ) Well, I don't think the others are coming. They must have gotten separated somehow.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Caboose** : My toes, are getting pruny.

 **Sarge** : O...kay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley? ( _Runs off_ )

 **Caboose** : I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates. ( _Runs off to follow Sarge_ )

"The worst roommate ever."

"Of all time." Weiss added in for Yang, 'Why do I keep saying that!? What the fuck, is it like my catch phrase or something!?'

 **Sarge** : Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back. If you know what I mean.

_Sarge and Caboose come upon a fallen Blue soldier outside a base_

"Oh God…" Yang drawled out, "NOT MORE RED & BLUE BASES!"

 **Caboose** : Sergeant. Look! A sleeping person!

"I don't think he's sleeping." Blake said, 'O'Malley works fast.'

 **Sarge** : What? Holy macaroon!

_Sarge runs over and kneels by the fallen Blue_

**Sarge** : He's not sleeping son, he's dead.

 **Caboose** : Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because, I am Blue. And, I like to sleep. But, if he is dead that cannot be me. That would be silly.

"Yeah, silly seeing yourself asleep, huh?" Weiss said sarcastically.

 **Sarge** : No doubt he was killed by our very enemy, once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less Blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir. Rest in peace... scumbag.

"At least he has some respect." Ruby muttered with an eye roll.

_Caboose runs behind the base and sees many fallen Blues and Reds_

"O'Malley really works fast." Blake said as she looked at the dead bodies in disbelief,

"They are  _so_ dead." Weiss said as she shook her head.

 **Caboose** : Look - more sleeping people! It must be nap time. But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times.

 **Sarge** : What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. Hello! Is anyone okay!? Are there any survivors? Preferably any Red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're Blue, I won't step on your neck or anything like that.

"Very encouraging Sarge!" Yang exclaimed in a very Simmons way.

 **Caboose** : Am I allowed to answer?

 **Sarge** : Shh quiet. You hear that?

_In the background, trumpet music starts getting louder_

"Wait, what?" The team say in unison, very confused.

 **Caboose** : Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy-

 **Sarge** : I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.

 **Caboose** : I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason. Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together.

"Okay, that's not dumb, that's just feral!" Blake exclaimed, disgusted. The others were in the same mind set.

 **Sarge** : Wait a minute I know that song, that's Reveille. But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of a-

_All of a sudden, every fallen soldier at once jumps up yelling and cheering_

"OH SHIT, THEY'RE ALIVE!" Yang yelled out,

"I guess Sarge isn't that great of a... dead guy checker." Ruby said, the name of the job escaping her,

"But why is their blood everywhere?" Blake pointed out.

 **Sarge** : Sweet jibbly jiblets!

 **Caboose** : Running time!

_The soldiers all run off, going around Sarge and Caboose to get back to their bases_

**Soldiers** : Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut etc.

 **A Blue soldier** : ( _jumping in to the Blue base_ ) and jump.

 **A Red soldier** : ( _running to the Red base_ ) Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho ha ya ho ya yo yuh!

_The soldiers all run in to their bases, leaving Sarge and Caboose alone outside_

**Sarge** : What just happened here?

"We're wondering that too." Weiss muttered still confused on what the hell was happening.

 **Caboose** : I think all the sleepy people were trying to ke-

 **Sarge** : That was rhetorical.

 **A Blue soldier** : ( _from inside_ ) Yeah, go Blue team!

'Why does it remind me of motorcycles?' Ruby thought as she looked at Yang, 'She must be rubbing off on me.'

 **Blue soldiers** : ( _from inside, continuing to yell._ )

 **Sarge** : Get over here, give me a boost!

 **Caboose** : Okay. ( _Steps closer to Sarge_ ) You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.

"Caboose doesn't know much about Sarge, does he?" Yang stated,

"I don't think he knows much about himself either." Ruby quietly added in.

 **Sarge** : Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.

 **Caboose** : That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.

"They're about the same height, it won't make a difference." Blake pointed out.

 **Sarge** : I know, I need you to help me look through it.

 **Caboose** : I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, that window is square.

 **Sarge** : Come here, you.

_Sarge boosts Caboose up to look in the base_

**Blue soldier 1** : I'm gonna kill me a Red, and when I get him I'm gonna chop his guts out I'm going to eat 'em right there. ( _They continue yammering about killing Reds and other crap no one gives a shit about_ )

"That's just plain wrong." Yang said, trying to hold in her bile.

 **Caboose** : Whoa.

 **Sarge** : What do you see?

 **Caboose** : I see... a room.

The girls had to face palm at his statement.

 **Sarge** : And? What's in the room?

 **Caboose** : There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait- just one ceiling.

"You can't have enough ceilings." Weiss muttered, 'At least, that's what my mum says…'

 **Sarge** : What's making that racket?

 **The Blue Soldiers** : Kill the Reds, kill the Reds, kill the Reds, kill the Reds, kill the Reds!

"A very determined army of assholes and idiots." Yang answered Sarge.

 **Caboose** : You are not going to like it.

_Sarge lets Caboose down_

**Sarge** : Caboose, I have a very bad feeling abou-

_Trumpet music CHARGE plays_

"Okay, where is that trumpet coming from?" Ruby asked. She didn't get answer.

 **Sarge** : What's that?

_The Blues emerge from their base firing on all cylinders, yelling CHARGE! and similar optimistic battle-cries. The Reds do the same. A blatant firefight ensues._

**Sarge** : Come on Caboose, we gotta get to higher ground!

_They run off_

**A Blue soldier** : Yeah I love reloading, I love to reload!

 **A Red soldier** : ( _smashing him in the back of the head_ ) Oh, back of the head!

 **The newly fallen Blue soldier** : D'oh, tell my girlfriend that I love her.

 **The Red soldier** : She's my girlfriend now bitch!

"FUCK YOU!" Ruby yelled out, "S-Sorry…"

 **Sarge** : Come on Caboose! ( _They run up a convenient ladder_ )

 **The Soldiers** : ( _random shouts and jeers_ )

 **Caboose** : Sarge... I am scared of our new friends.

"Especially when they're trying to  _kill you_!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Hot Sonny Bono, what's going on here?

_A Red soldier emerges from the Blue base with their flag_

**The Red soldier** : Stop fighting, stop fighting everyone, stop fighting! ( _Everyone stops shooting and looks at him_ ) Everyone, everyone, look unto me! I possess the Blue flag!

 **A Red soldier** : It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!

"It's just a flag." Ruby muttered, "There isn't anything really special about it."

 **The Red flag bearer** : I have seen the top of the mountain! And you will worship me as though I were a God!

"Apparently, it's more than that to them." Blake said.

_The poor Red dude is mobbed by four Blues at once, WWE-style, and taken down_

"OH! Did NOT see that coming!" Yang exclaimed.

 **The Red flag bearer** : I regret nothing! I lived as few men dare to dream!

_The remaining soldiers look at each other, then back at him, then back at each other, and continue firing. A Red guy gets a Blue guy from behind with the butt of his gun_

**Red guy** : Hell yeah! ( _gets shot in the back of the head_ ) Oh no!

 **The Blue sniper** : Head shot! ( _gets shot in the feet by a rocket_ ) Oh, you rocket-whore!

"Oh my God…" Weiss said in realization, 'Please don't tell me what I think it is…'

 **A Blue guy** : Hey I got some, you want some? I got some for you! Come on you!

 **A Red guy** : The only good Blue is a dead Blue!

 **A different Red guy** : Christ this water's cold!

_Cut to a Red and a Blue on either side of a rock alternating standing up firing and crouching so the other guy can fire. The Blue guy is killed by a grenade from behind_

**Red guy** : Weak! You took my kill!

"What. The. Fuck." Blake said slowly, "A kill is a kill. It doesn't matter who killed him. Then why…" Blake was having trouble comprehending what was happening.

 **Other Red guy** : I didn't see your name on it! ( _Gets shot by a camper from behind a rock_ ) Oh you fucking camping bitch!

 **Blue camper** : It's a legitimate strategy! ( _Gets shot at rounding a rock_ ) Whoa!

Weiss just groaned as loudly as possible, "I regret my life choices now, and will gladly bang head against a wall." Weiss simply answered when she felt all eyes were on her. This raised some eye brows but they just shrugged and ignored it.

 **Red guy** : Damn! Hey Blue, we're the only two left! Let's work together!

 **Blue guy** : What do you mean?

 **Red guy** : I'm coming out!

 **Blue guy** : Okay, I'm coming out too!

"You know he's going to back stab him." Blake said. Everyone visible nodded while Ruby did a quiet 'Yes'.

_They meet in the stream._

**Blue guy** : What did you mean we could work as a team?

_The Red guy smashes the Blue guy in the face with his gun_

"You're rubbing off on me." Blake told Weiss with a smile,

"Oh come on, everyone saw that coming." Weiss responded, not knowing that Ruby silently freaked out when the Red hit the Blue.

 **Red guy** : I bash you in the head with my rifle and you die. Good teamwork you fucking noob. Good game, good game everybody! GG man, GG. ( _Takes a hit from nowhere in the back of the head and falls over_ )

"H-Hey Weiss, w-w-where are you going?" Ruby asked as the heiress as she stood up,

"I just need to take care of something." 'And burn many, many,  **many**  things.'

 **Sarge** : I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the Hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif, for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.

"Wait, I thought Sarge/Simmons made the plan up." Ruby said. Yang only raised an eye brow at a random direction, hoping it was pointing at Ruby,

"You do know this is Sarge you're talking about." Ruby thought for a moment before nodding, even though no one could see her.

 **Caboose** : I am so confused. Where is Church? I need Church to tell me what to think. Church could handle this. He can handle anything!

_Cut to Church and Grif in jail_

"Except jail!" Yang added in.

 **Church** : Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUTTA THIS GOD DAMN JAIL CELL!

 **Grif** : Yeah, let him out. He's driving me nuts!

 **Church** : Oh shut up, Red, nobody asked you.

 **Grif** : I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan.

"Wait, I thought… you know what, let's just say it was the Red's stupid fucking plan." Yang said. Ruby & Blake nodded (at least, Yang felt she did) and waited for Weiss to come back. When she did, she looked for the remote,

"Okay, where is it?"

"It's right there, on the table." Ruby answered. Weiss raised her eye and looked,

"Okay, when did y-" Weiss didn't even bother in finishing the sentence so she picked it up and pressed play.

**(Visiting Old Friends)**

_Simmons is standing in front of one of the teleporters in his janitor closet_

**Simmons** : Okay, let's see, if I wire this thing in to that... maybe I could signal boost on that thing there... I might just be able to get that to work.

_View through the teleporter to Sarge and Caboose shooting_

**Sarge** : Caboose, Caboose, keep them away from me! Get that one. And that one. No no, the one with the limp! Get 'im!

"Kick'em while they're down, why don't you." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : Sarge, is that you?

 **Caboose** : I don't want to kill... but... I don't want to die even more.

"Oh! Says the man with chronic Team-Killing Disorder!" Yang exclaimed,

"It looks like Simmons connected to the wrong helmet." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : Caboose, can you hear me!?

 **Caboose** : Yes, I heard you Sergeant.

 **Sarge** : I didn't say anything, numbnuts.

_View is solidly in Battle Creek_

**Sarge** : Caboose, we have to break this never ending cycle of attack and retaliation, either by A) convincing the two sides to live in peace, or B) by getting ourselves completely involved, and kicking some serious ass! I vote B.

"I second that!" Yang quickly said, 'Maybe Sarge will die during the fire fight.

 **Caboose** : I have a plan Sergeant, but we will have to move quick.

The words 'Caboose' and 'Plan' did  _not_ sit well in everyone's stomachs.

 **Caboose:** Listen:  _(Whispering)_  whisper whisper whisper. Do you think that will work?

"Uh… d-d-did he just s-say 'whisper' over and o-over again?" Ruby asked,

"You shouldn't be surprised at this point." Blake flatly replied.

 **Sarge** : That's your plan? All you said was "whisper whisper whisper."

 **Caboose** : I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

 **Sarge** : Hgggh, come on. I have an idea.

'This will not end well.' The RWBYs thought in unison.

_Black screen: "Meanwhile, somewhere else in the galaxy" Fades in to a hallway_

**Phil** : This sucks man. I have to do everything around here. Go guard the wall, Phil. Go paint the jeep Phil. Go do everything Phil. This sucks.

The girls sighed at the name 'Phil', "Remember Phil from Maintenance 101?" Yang asked,

"Yeah…" The others say in unison, "Poor poor Phil, the guy with the big fat drill."

_Wyoming drops behind Phil, and he turns around_

"Oh shit, that doesn't look like a Red or Blue." Weiss said as she saw the man in white armour drop down, 'Could he be a Freelancer?'

 **Phil** : What was that? Nothin', just that stupid, sucky wind. Breaking a twig, coming up behind me and... breathing, real heavy. ( _turns around_ ) What the-?

 **Wyoming** : Hello, mate. ( _Thick English accent_ )

*THUD!*

The girls jumped at the sound of Yang fainting onto the floor. Ruby (if they could see her) & Weiss raised their eyebrows as they looked at the unconscious woman. Only Blake knew why, and was trying to hide the biggest blush on her face,

"Uh… what happened…?" Yang asked as she came to,

"You f-fainted. Don't w-w-worry. I put an i-ice pack on you." Ruby answered. Weiss & Blake jumped at the sight of the Insta-Freeze pack on Yang's forehead, completely missing it the first time,

"Okay, WHAT!? Whe-UGH!" Blake exclaimed in frustration, 'I will find you Ruby Rose, even if it kills me!'

_Wyoming punches Phil in the face, knocking him out. Fade in a random amount of time later, Phil on his knees at gunpoint_

**Phil** : Oh man, this sucks, what's going on?

 **Wyoming** : Right, here's the way this works. I ask you a question, you tell me an answer. One question, one answer. I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem. And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem. That clear?

"Oh…" Yang said, realizing what knocked her out, 'Yang, I know what you're thinking, but don't blurt it ou-' "I LOVE YOU!" 'I'm an idiot.' She thought as she saw everyone (and had a feeling Ruby was going further into hiding) moving  _very_  far away from the Blonde Brawler.

 **Phil** : Okay, just don't hurt me! I'm a single parent.

*Sigh* "Poor Phil…"

 **Wyoming** : Splendid, that's the attitude old chap. Now, first question. Where are you hiding the plans?

_Wyoming's cell phone starts ringing_

"He's as British as anyone can get." Weiss muttered as Yang was starting to hyperventilate.

 **Wyoming** : Mhm, ahem. Right. Where, are you hiding, th-... right. Need to get that, one second.

"Very professional this guy is." Blake said sarcastically.

 **Wyoming:** ( _Turns around and answers the phone_ ) Hello? Yes, this is he speaking. ...Oh hello! Yes, right. Oh bugger. Spell that with a T or an F, do you? Thought you said something else. No, I'll get right on it.

 **Phil** : Getting bored...

"You know you suck if your hostage is getting bored." Yang stated.

 **Wyoming** : Right. Usual fee... He won't be a problem. No, I'll nip that one for you straight away. Right. Say hello to mum for me. Cheerio.

'Ah fuck, he is a Freelancer…' Weiss thought with a groan, 'And a mama's boy at that.'

 **Wyoming:** ( _Turns back around to Phil_ ) Now, where were we? Ah yes. Looks like it's your lucky day, mate.

 **Phil** : Oh, thank God!

 **Wyoming** : Don't have time to torture you, so I'm just going to have to kill you.

"N-Not really m-much o-of a lucky day." Ruby said.

 **Phil** : Uh-oh, man this sucks!

*Sigh* "Poor Phil…"

_Black screen, gunshot, fades back in to the Battle Creek Reds in their base_

"Back to the insanity." Weiss said with a groan, desperately trying to get rid of 'those' memories.

 **A Red Soldier** : Yeah, I'm gonna kill everybody!

 **Another Red Soldier** : Get the flag, get the flag, get the flag. Get the fucking flag!

"Someone's taking it too seriously." Yang said until she felt insulted, 'Why do I feel like punching everyone here and myself?'

 **Some Other Red Soldier** : We must protect this house!

 **Many Red Soldiers** : We must protect this house!

 **Yet Another Red Soldier** : We must protect this house! This is our house!

 **A Poignant Red Soldier** : Um, guys, look, where's our flag?

 **Some Red Soldier** : ( _sharp inhale_ )

"CUE THE DRAMA!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Another Red Soldier** : No.

 **Some Other Red Soldier** : The flag is gone?

 **A Red Soldier** : What will we do?

 **The Red Soldier Who Briefly Held The Blue Flag In Episode 39 (The Red Zealot)** : If the flag is gone, who will lead us? Who will inspire us with their shiny pole? Who will flag directions to us in battle? We are lost, and the world as we knew it is gone forever from our eyes, only to live in our memories as the days of salad and glory! Truly these are the end of times! Repent! Repent!

"I am… starting to question the existence of flags." Blake said, "I'm going to burn our flag."

"P-Please d-don't." Ruby pleaded, "I-I worked ha-hard on it."

 **The Other Red Soldiers** : ...

 **A Red Soldier** : This sucks, I'm leaving.

 **Some Red Soldier** : Yeah...

_The Reds and Blues run slowly from their bases, **very**  uninspired_

**Some Blue Soldier** : Yay. Great.

"It's like the world is dead to them." Weiss said, "I guess they only live for the flag."

"A sorry existence." Blake added in.

_They meet in the middle, below Sarge and Caboose_

**Sarge** : ( _holding the Blue flag_ ) Oh blue team... Look what I have.

 **Caboose** : ( _holding the Red flag_ ) Oh blue team... Look what, wait, I messed up my line. Let's start over.

"That was Sarge's plan!? To get the flags!?" Yang exclaimed before thinking, "Actually, fuck it, that's the smartest thing Sarge has ever thought of."

"But there's got to be a catch, right?" Weiss said.

 **A Red Soldier** : They have our flag!

 **A Blue Soldier** : No they don't, they have our flag!

 **Sarge** : Listen you morons, you're gonna have to work for us now.

"That's actually pretty smart. If they have the flags, they have the army." Blake said, "But…"

 **The Red Soldier** : What's in it for us?

 **Sarge** : Help us get out of here, and we'll give you back your flags. Then you can go back to senselessly killing yourselves.

 **A Red Soldier** : Deal. Ha, sucker!

 **A Blue Soldier** : Wait- why don't we just kill you guys and take the flags back?

 **A Red Soldier** : Hmm. Yeah!

_Sarge shoots the Blue soldier_

"He didn't really think that through, did he?" Yang said,

"I'm sure he doesn't think anything through." Weiss responded.

 **Some Red Soldier** : Oh, you got owned. I saw it, fucking owned!

 **The Blue Soldiers** : Teams! Teams! Teams!

 **Some Red Soldier** : Shut up! Teams are fine!

 **The Red Soldiers** : Teams are fine! Teams are fine!

_Reds and Blues start firing at each other ...again_

"Well, that was expected." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : Caboose... I give up.

 **Caboose** : Wait. I can make them listen. I can beat them.

"I-I'm sorry, b-but Caboose!? Against respawning soldiers!? It's practically suicide!" Ruby exclaimed. The others had to agree.

 **Sarge** : Son, what are you talkin' about?

 **Caboose** : O'Malley taught me how to be mean. ( _Concentrating_ ) I, just, have, to, concentrate, on, bad, things. Like, milk. No wait, red, Red, Bull.

"God I hate that stuff." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!

 **Caboose** : No, I can feel him. I just need to get angry, and say, mean, things! Like... uh... Your brain is a mountain of hatred!

"That doesn't even make sense!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.

 **Caboose** : Now. I, am, thinking, about... kittens! Guh, kit-tens, covered, in, spikes. That makes, me, angry!

_Caboose jumps down from the cliff in to the battle, doing a dramatic guttural yell on the way down that sounds, ironically, like when you grunt in the bathroom_

**Caboose** : ( _in a voice reminiscent of O'Malley_ ) My name, is Michael J. Caboose! And I, hate, babies.

"W-W-Why doesn't h-h-he li-like babies?" Ruby asked, stuttering more than ever,

"I don't know." Blake answered, glad that she isn't one right now.

 **The Red Zealot** : It's the beast! The anti-flag, come to live among us and rule us for seven years! The end is nigh!

_Caboose punches him in the face, knocking him down_

**The Red Zealot** : Yeooigh!

 **A Blue Soldier Caboose Punches And Knocks Down** : Yikes!

 **A Red Soldier Caboose Punches And Knocks Down** : Yowsah!

_Caboose shoots down a Red, then a Blue, then a Red_

**First Red Soldier** : OW!

 **The Blue Soldier** : Wee!

 **Second Red Soldier** : Wow!

"Okay, is everyone else somewhat scared of an angry Caboose?" Yang asked hesitantly. When she only heard spilling water from Weiss, Blake shivering like she was with Yang on that Christmas (you know the one) and Ruby doing both, she gave a sigh of relief, "Oh good, I thought it was just me." 'Okay, now why does Caboose look hot to me?' (AN: Iron-Mantis everyone!)

 **Sarge** : Great Gustavo, what's goin' on down there!?

"Y-You d-d-don't wa-want t-to kn-k-kn-know." Blake stuttered.

_Simmons fades in apparition form behind him_

"Please stop it Simmons." Weiss begged as she crossed her legs.

 **Holographic Simmons** : Sarge, Caboose can you hear me?

 **Sarge** : Simmons 2.0?

 **Holographic Simmons** : I reconfigured the teleporter, to allow me to communicate with you. I need to get you guys outta there.

"Finally!" Weiss exclaimed, "I think I have enough insanity for a few hours."

"W-We st-still ha-have an e-ep-episode l-left." Ruby pointed out,

"Fuck." Weiss (& everyone else) grumbled under their breath,

"S-Sorry."

 **Sarge** : Damn right we need to get outta here.

 **Holo-Simmons** : Get to your teleporter, and I'll see what I can do from here.

 **Sarge** : Okay!

 **Holo-Simmons** : And, Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Yeah?

 **Holo-Simmons** : It's really great to see you again.

"Is it  _really_ the time to kiss Sarge _'s_ ass right now!?" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Oh kiss my ass some other time.

 **Holographic Simmons** : Whatever you say, Sir.

_Sarge climbs down the ladder and runs for the base_

**Sarge** : Come on, Caboose, before they wake up again!

 **Caboose** : I will eat your unhappiness.

*Shiver* "Even though it doesn't make sense, I still want to lock myself in a closet." Blake said, pretty much speaking for the team.

 **Sarge** : ( _reaching the teleporter_ ) Hurry up, Simmons.

_Revelee starts playing in the background_

"HURRY UP!" WBY screamed out at the top of their voices,

"Please…" except from Ruby of course.

 **Simmons** : Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.

 **Sarge** : We don't have a few more seconds!

 **Simmons** : Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!

"Things Sarge has a lack of." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts.

Ruby had to hold down some vomit. She hated burnt toast. The only thing worse than that is *Shiver* 'Wet bread.'

 **Sarge** : Oh shut up, Caboose.

 **Simmons** : Okay there, come through now!

 **Sarge** : Come on, Caboose!

_They run through the teleporter, and the camera conveniently follows_

**Simmons** : Whoo. That was pretty close, huh?

 **Sarge** : Simmons, you get an F in efficiency. But I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.

"Doesn't that remind me of someone." Blake muttered, remembering when she found out about Roman & the White Fang, 'I'm still on board on the Robo-Penny theory. I have money on it.'

 **Simmons** : Thank you Sir. I've always felt that presentation is what matters most.

 **Caboose** : What happened? The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten. And then we were in this janitor's closet. And my throat hurts, a lot.

"Oh shit, an amnesic idiot with a berserk button that shouldn't be messed with." Weiss groaned, "They're so fucked."

 **Simmons** : What was that weird place, Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.

_Cut back to Battle Creek_

**The Red Zealot** : Well I guess it's back to basics, now! Get ready for destruction, Blues! We're gonna kick your ass! We have become death! Destroyer of whe- oh wait, hold on. I gotta take out the trash. I'll be right back.

"Robert Oppenheimer." Blake unconsciously said,

"Huh? Who the hell is that guy?" Yang asked. Blake was about to answer but paused at first,

"I… don't know." Yang was guessing it was just RT or some shit somehow affecting the Pussy Cat so she just grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Let's Get Together)**

_Fades in to O'Malley and Lopez standing on a base in a cold desolate-looking place_

**O'Malley** : ( _evil laughter_ ) Well, my metallic friend, your modifications are complete. And my plan is coming to frution. Frusi- Fru-Frutition. Fr-

"Not much of a smart A.I, is he?" Yang commented,

"Actually, what's classified as a smart A.I is the A.I in question can d-"

"Okay, okay! I get it! You don't have to nerd out on me Pussy Cat!"

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Fruition.

 **O'Malley** : Oh, shut up.

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Yes Master. Your plan is foolproof.

"Everyone keeps saying that, but they didn't say anything about the Reds & Blues." Weiss muttered.

 **O'Malley** : Now to bring together my enemies.

_Cut to Vic's control panel, with the words 'OUT OF AREA' flashing in red_

**Vic** : Oh dude, come on, you gotta be kidding me.

 **Vic's answering machine** : Hey dude, it's Vic. No solo mia, not in the casa right now, so leave a message and I'll call you back. Just leave your what's up at the yo… yo.

 **O'Malley** : Vic, pick up, it's me, ( _evil laughter_ ).

 **Vic** : Oh hey, Doctor Baron von Evil Satan, what's up dude?

"Oh, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Yang yelled out, "YOU FUCKING LITTLE CUNT OF A SHITTY TRATIOR YOU PUCKING ASS OF A PRICK!"

"Did you just say 'Pucking'?"

"SHUT THE PUCKING HELL UP, WEISS!"

 **O'Malley** : Don't screen my calls, Vic.

 **Vic** : Dude, you don't come up on caller ID I'm not just gonna answer anything-

 **O'Malley** : Caller ID? I'm in hiding you buffoon! I'm trying to take over the universe! ( _Evil laughter_ )

"N-N-Not ev-even villains l-l-laugh th-tha-that mu-much." Ruby pointed out.

 **Doc** : We're also on the Do Not Call List.

 **O'Malley** : Oh, shut up.

 **Vic** : So how's that plot going dude.

 **O'Malley** : Magnificent! ( _Evil laughter_ ) I've called my bounty hunter in. He'll take care of your little 'red and blue' problem post-haste ( _evil laughter_ ).

Blake couldn't help but growl. She was disgusted that they're hiring mercs just so they can keep some secret that's probably killing many men & women for no reason.

 **Vic** : Oh cool! Thanks for turning that around so quick, dude.

 **O'Malley** : ( _laugh continues_ ) Ha.

 **Vic** : I know you're swamped.

 **O'Malley** : Then the universe will be mine and I'll crush every living soul in to dust, hahaha! Except or you of course Vic. I'll make you Assistant Crusher.

 **Vic** : Okay, dude. Looking forward to that.

"Well, fuck you Vic!" Weiss exclaimed, surprising the others, "You ungrateful little prick!"

_Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Caboose in their janitor closet_

**Simmons** : And that brought you back here. So, theoretically one of these teleporters should transport us back to Blood Gulch, or anywhere else that we want to go. Do you understand?

 **Caboose** : Yes. No. What does thermoretically mean?

"Of course he would." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : I probably could have saved a lot of time by telling you these things worked by magic.

 **Caboose** : I thought you told the story well. I liked all the parts with me in them.

"It's like dealing with a child." Weiss pointed out, still grimacing at Caboose's massacre.

 **Sarge** : Any idea which ones go where?

 **Simmons** : Man um... not really. I found you two guys by accident. And I don't want to start using teleporters at random.

 **Caboose** : We should definitely take the green one.

"They're all green, idiot!" Weiss said in a very Church-ish way.

 **Simmons** : Okay, be quiet now.

 **Sarge** : We've gotta find a way to contact them.

 **Vic** : ( _over the radio_ ) Come in Sergeant Dude. Hello, Sergeant Dude, are you there.

"Th-This c-can't b-be g-go-g-good." Ruby muttered.

 **Sarge** : Vic?

 **Vic** : Got some big news for you dude.

_Cut to Tex in Blood Gulch, talking with Tucker who is miraculously standing upright again. We'll tell Caboose it was magic._

"Tucker must be pretty resilient." Blake commented, "Or a fast healer."

 **Tex** : Bad news Tucker. I just picked up a feed. You've been tagged.

 **Tucker** : Tagged? That sounds bad. Unless it means something sexual, does it mean something sexual?

"The only sexual experience you'll have is with Rosie Palms, you perv!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Tex** : It means something bad.

 **Tucker** : Oh, yeah like that's a surprise.

 **Tex** : Someone's hired a Freelancer to take you out.

"Shit, I guess the truth is a lot more important than life." Weiss mutter angrily, "Asshole…"

 **Tex:** Do you have any idea why?

 **Tucker** : I can't say.

 **Tex** : Keeping secrets? I find that attractive.

'Please don't hook up, please don't hook up, please don't hook up, please don't hook up, please don't hook up…' The RWBYs thought.

 **Tucker** : You do!?

 **Tex** : In attractive people, yeah.

"BURN!" Yang yelled out, while she and the others gave a sigh of relief.

 **Donut** : Do you know who's after him?

 **Tex** : This guy I know from training. Name's Wyoming.

"Who keeps coming up with these dumb names!?" Yang exclaimed, "Caboose, Donut and now the most ridiculous, Wyoming!"

 **Tucker** : ( _laughs_ ) Finally a name dumber than Donut!

 **Donut** : Hey! ...Yeah, okay.

"See!"

 **Tex** : Everybody in the division was paired with an A.I., and codenamed for a State.

"It's a state name? Yep, this place sounds really stupid." Cue Yang getting set on fire,

"Uh… Y-Yang?" Ruby stuttered,

"Yeah?"

"Y-You're o-on fire."

"I know. I'm immune to fire. But it still FUCKING HURTS!" Yang yelled out as she rushed to the bathroom and took a cold shower. A few minutes later, Yang stepped out, dripping wet, "Fuck my Life…" She mumbled as she went back to her seat,

"Are you alright? Do you want some of my tuna?" Blake asked as she gave her a can. Yang did feel hungry so she thanked Blake. Then she saw the brand,

"Where did you get this stuff!? This is supposed to cost, like, 1000 lien a can!"

"I don't know. I got a few days ago under my bed after I, I said some things." Blake explained, not admitting to liking RvB. She looked at the underside of one of her cans, "I think it's from… someone called RT."

"RT! The fuck!? All they've done is fucking punis-" Then Yang paused before realizing what she should do, "Hey, if I praise this guy I'll get free stuff?" Blake shrugged and nodded,

"RT is the greatest! I Heart RT!" Yang yelled out, freaking the others out. Suddenly, a rock smashed through the window and hit Yang right in the forehead, "OH, SON OF A BITCH! What did I do wrong…" While Yang sobbed, Blake found the rock and saw a note attached. She grabs it's and read it,

"Apparently, you're a Try Hard…" Yang just groaned and sat back down on her seat (AN: Thanks reven228 for the joke!)

 **Donut** : What was your codename, Tex?

 **Tex** :  _(Sarcastic)_  Nevada.

"Wait, I thought she was from Texas." Yang said, confused,

"Yang, she obviously being sarcastic." Blake pointed out flatly,

"Oh! Right. I knew that. I was just testing you. You succeed!" (AN: Iron-Mantis! Running out of things to do this!)

 **Tucker** : One for each State? So there's fifty of you.

 **Tex** : Forty-nine, remember?

 **Tucker** : Oh, yeah, that's right. Man. Poor Florida.

_They bow their heads in remembrance of Florida._

"Wh-What ha-happened t-to Fl-Flor-Florida?" Ruby asked out of curiosity rather than an answer.

 **Tucker** : Okay, anyway.

 **Tex** : Well I'll make you a deal. I still owe you one. So if I take care of Wyoming, we're square. Deal?

 **Tucker** : You realize that you wanna protect me from a guy who's trying to kill me. What'm I gonna say, no?

 **Tex** : I'll take that as a yes.

_Cut back to the janitor closet._

**Sarge** : Eureka's hammer, I've got it! I put a listening device in one of the suits of armor I built. We can use that to find out where they are.

"Huh. One of Sarge's plans actually turned out to help." Yang said, but Weiss knew there was always a catch whenever Sarge came into play.

 **Simmons** : But which one, Sarge? Isn't one a huge bomb?

 **Sarge** : Heheheh. Yeah, I wouldn't turn that on. Or maybe I should. That we could follow the enormous explosion and huge plumes of smoke, directly to them. It'd be just like a homing device. But Indian style.

"They're in a janitor's closet. I don't think you can see it from there." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : I assume what you mean, sir, is directly to the crater that they left.

"It's better late than crater." Yang punned. Suddenly, she somehow got a kiwi in the face, "OH COME ON! RUBY!"

"So s-sorry Y-Yang. I j-just ha-don't like y-your p-pu-puns." Ruby apologized.

 **Sarge** : Though crudely delivered I see your point. Let's go with the listening device.

 **Simmons** : Great idea, sir.

 **Sarge** : Yes, it was.

 **Caboose** : Can I push the button to make it go? Please?

 **Sarge** : ( _holding up the button_ ) Okay Caboose, but just this once.

 **Caboose** : Yay! Thanks.

_Caboose hits the button_

**Sarge** : ( _laughs_ ) What a little rascal.

"Wow, even though he thinks that Caboose is the enemy, he's treating him like a child you'd meet on the street." Weiss noted.

 **Caboose** : ( _returning to Simmons' side_ ) I pushed the button.

 **Simmons** : Stay away from him, he's mine.

"Jealous~" Yang sang out.

 **Voice** : Man, I hate this. This sucks.

"Church." Weiss muttered.

 **Caboose** : It's Church!

"Fuck...!" She growled.

 **Voice** : I just wanna lay around and do nothing.

 **Sarge** : I think it's Grif!

 **Voice** : Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.

 **Simmons and Sarge** (& RWBY): Donut.

"Wait a minute." Blake said, "That was Donut, right? He's still in Blood Gulch along with Tucker, Shelia and…"

"Tex." Yang finished, knowing where this was going,

"So if Tex's body is bugged, doesn't that mean…"

"Church has the 10… megaton… bomb." Weiss squeaked. She swore, if Caboose somehow sets it off, she'll eat anything with Yang sauce on it.

 **Simmons** : ( _making for a teleporter_ ) Let me see if I can lock on to that signal, Sarge. Okay, got it, go ahead.

 **Sarge** : Come in, Donut, come in. Donut, do you read me? Come in.

 **Donut** : Sarge, you gotta help me! You left me with one Blue, but now there are three!

 **Sarge** : Vic was right, it was a trap all along! Listen, Donut. Vic told me all about the Blue plot. That fella Tucker is gonna make up things, craaazy things about Red and Blue. You can't listen to him, you just can't!

"Vic can go suck my dildo dick." Blake muttered angrily, not knowing that she didn't mutter and her team mates moving the FUCK away from her.

 **Donut** : Sarge, what should I do?

 **Sarge** : Don't let him catch on that you know. Just act like you normally do; wait, not like you, act like someone more brave. 'N smarter. 'N more masculine, for God's sake.

 **Donut** : Okey-dokey Sarge.

"So in other words, Donut is fucked." Weiss clarified. The other girls agreed.

 **Sarge** : He's a dead man, Simmons.

 **Simmons** : It's okay Sir, I thought that you two were getting too close anyway, and that's not good for the chain of command.

 **Sarge** : Try to open a teleporter to them. I'll see if I can locate the other armour.

_Caboose raises up the button for Church's armour_

**Caboose** : Yeah! More button pushing!

 **Simmons** : Caboose don't touch that!

 **Caboose** : This is the button to find Church! ( _Presses the button_ )

The RWBY's jaws just dropped to the floor, knowing that this won't end well, 'Oh shit…'

 **Sarge** : Uh oh. That's not gonna be good.

 **Simmons** : Did he just do what I think he did?

 **Caboose** : Church is going to be so happy with me!

"No he won't Caboose. No he won't." Yang said slowly.

_Cut to Church and Grif in jail._

**Church** : ( _impressive belch_ )

"But an impressive burp does kinda make up for it." Yang admitted while the girls were disgusted at the belch.

 **Grif** : Nice. I bet I can beat it.

_Church's stomach starts ticking metallically_

**Church** : Uhgow, I wonder what caused that.

 **Grif** : Hey Church, do you know your stomach is ticking?

"It's because there is a 10 MEGA-FUCKING-TON BOMB IN HIS GUT THAT'LL DESTROY A CHUNK, if not all, OF THE GOD DAMN PLANET!" Yang yelled out. Weiss sighed as Blake tried calming the blonde down while their fearless leader was whimpering, knowing that this was going to be a lllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg day today.

"Fuck my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	22. Everything Happens For No Reason (You're the Bomb, Yo, Make Your Time, We Must Rebuild)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue is from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Why does everything happen to them?

First, Ruby stopped a wanted criminal and was now they were on his hit list, then there was the whole deal with the White Fang, then they almost broke up, the time Weiss screwed up big time and up almost dying ( _twice_ ), Yang blowing up a part of Beacon and now being trapped in the school alone with only her team mates as they slowly start to resist killing each other. And it wasn't helping that they were watching idiots shoot each other.

'Everything happens for a reason, Blake.' The Faunus reassured herself, 'All you have to do is wait it out and try to keep everyone together.' Then she looked around to see if Ninja Ruby could be seen, "If we even survive that long." She muttered as Yang got back into the room with a plate of cookies and a bowl of popcorn and put them down on the table,

"And now we wait." Yang said as she sat down on her chair. The visible RWBYs looked at the plate in anticipation, thinking that this plan was going to work. It was Weiss' idea to lure Ruby out with cookies straight from the oven. Yang volunteered to bake them, and this brought up memories from when she tried to bake a sugar-less cake for that mandatory cooking class a few months ago. With chili. Lots and lots of chili. That day didn't end well. Luckily, the only thing Yang can make is cookies so that was a relief. Anyway, now all they had to do was wait.

Unfortunately, they all blinked at the same time.

"THE FU-WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!?" Weiss yelled out angrily as she stood and started punching her pillow. Blake just stared in disbelief as she saw the  _empty plate_  in front of her, "WE LITERALLY JUST BLINKED!" (AN: Autistic-Grizzly everybody!) While Weiss was destroying her pillow, Yang just groaned, remembering the last time it happened. She was half expecting Ruby to start wear thick jackets, sandals, able to see 360 degrees around her and start falling in love with some dumb blonde guy with blue eyes who somehow becomes really powerful in like a year or something.

(Team JNPR)

"…Why do I feel like I should have a stalker?" Jaune asked out of nowhere, causing Pyhrra to swerve a little, "Meh, it's… probably nothing." He muttered to himself as he returned to looking through his songs, not paying attention to his slightly (which is an understatement) creeped out team mates.

(Team RWBY)

"S-Sorry…" Ruby said with her mouth full, before doing a very audible swallow. Again, they couldn't use sound to find the hidden cloaked girl, "S-So, h-how do you th-thi-think th-they're go-gonna deal with th-the b-b-b-b-bomb?"

"How the fuck should I know!?" Weiss snapped. When she heard Ruby whimper, Weiss felt bad and started to calm down, even though she was still irritated by so-the many things she has witnessed in the series so far,

Blake sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair, something she picked up from Yang, "Well, it'll be interesting to say the least."

Yang stayed quiet as she closed her eyes and gripped onto the sides of her chair, 'Must… stay… quiet… must… not… piss off… RT…'

*WHAM!*

"DAMMIT!" Yang yelled out as she picked up the fallen rock, "THEY COULD HEAR THAT!?" When she calmed down, she read the note taped onto the rock.

Don't even bother, Yang.

-LKAB

Yang groaned as she threw away what seemed like the millionth note, 'At least it's not from RT.' Yang thought, before she looked at the other side and groaned even louder as she saw the initials 'RT.' Weiss just raised an eyebrow and looked at her like she was crazy (which she is considering that she is) before picking up the remote and pressing play (AN jgresidentevil! Woo.).

**(You're The Bomb, Yo)**

_Ticking in the background as it fades in on Grif and Church._

**Grif** : Guys I'm a Red too, I'm a Red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out.

"Way to be a team player." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Thanks for the support, Grif. Way to be a team player.

"OH COME ON!"

 **Grif** : Hey, I gotta think about myself here.

"Selfish bastard…" Blake muttered angrily.

 **Church** : There's no "I" in team, Grif.

"There is meat though." Yang spoke up, "I was kidding!" Yang quickly said as Blake glared at her.

 **Grif** : Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!

 **Church** : What I can't figure out is why the Reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the Blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out?

"Maybe there were new Blue put in their place." Weiss guessed.

 **Grif** : As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, trust me, it's not that surprising.

_Cut to Sarge, Caboose and Simmons in the janitor closet._

**Simmons** : Okay, we traced the bomb activation signal to Sidewinder. How much time do we have left Sarge?

 **Donut** : ( _through radio interference_ ) Everyone here is set to transport.

 **Tucker** : ( _through radio interference_ ) I'm not going through that thing. I'm serious.

"Aw… he's still afraid of some black stuff." Weiss said, "What a pussy."

 **Sarge** : We need to get there as soon as possible. Did you set their teleporter to take them straight to Sidewinder?

 **Simmons** : I walked Donut through it. He says he did everything right, but I figure they have a fifty/fifty chance of ending up in Sidewinder,

"A-And th-that's go-good." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:** Or in the middle of deep space.

"And that's bad." Yang finished.

 **Sarge** : What about us?

 **Simmons** : I programmed ours myself. We're fine.

 **Sarge** : I find the risks acceptable.

"Of having a 50% chance that Donut, Tucker & Tex will die in the middle of space, yeah. That's something I would choose." Weiss said sarcastically. But to Ruby, she wouldn't mind if Tex got sucked out into space, even though she forgot that Tex was possessing a robot body.

 **Donut** : I never knew a Phillips screwdriver was the X one. Do you think it's named after a guy named Phillip? That guy Phillip must have a fucked-up-shaped head!

 **Tucker** : Yeah. Screw this, I'm walking.

 **Sarge** : Alright, then saddle up! Don't worry Grif and Church, here comes the cavalry! Hyaaaaa!

_Sarge runs through a teleporter, and emerges from another behind Caboose._

**Sarge** : Hyaaaaa- oh!

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Blake said with a straight face,

"An-Anti-huh-whuh?" Ruby asked. Blake's eyes widened as she knew she had a chance,

"I'll tell.  _Only_ if you show yourself." Blake waited a few seconds before she said,

"N-Not ri-r-risking i-it." Blake sighed while muttering 'Damn' before going back to the TV.

 **Simmons** : Uh sir? The teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

 **Sarge** : Oh well, heads up evil-doers; here we come to save the diya-ah forget it, let's just go.

_Cut to Grif & Church_

**Grif** : ( _singing poorly and totally out of tune_ ) Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The RWBYs (Yes, even Ninja-Ruby) yelled out while blocking their ears to prevent bleeding.

 **Church** : Will you shut up?

 **Grif** : You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm hard now!

"I'm pretty sure he's only been in there for a few hours at most." Weiss said, "And no man should sing like that."

"Or sing at all." Yang added in.

 **Church** : Please, give me a break.

 **Grif** : As the prison bitch, I would not expect you to understand.

_Cut to a firefight down a hall somewhere._

"Well, they got there fast." Blake said but narrowed her eyes when she realized something, 'Where's Sarge's shotgun blasts?'

 **Church** : What's going on out there?

 **Grif** : Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Church. I'm all institutionalized and shit.

 **Church** : I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys.

"Yeah…" Weiss muttered, "The Reds & Blues are too stupid to take on an army, even though it is a Red army. Plus, it'll only be Tex, Caboose & Tucker against them since Sarge will talk Simmons and Donut out of it."

 **Grif** : ( _to a salmon-colored guard_ ) Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?

_The soldier runs around a corner and gets punched out. Church and Grif listen to the sound of invisible approaching footsteps._

**Wyoming** : ( _de-cloaking outside the bars of the cell_ ) Hello Church.

"HOLY SHIT!" The girls exclaimed, more out of disbelief than surprise, "I guess invisibility is standard equipment." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Wyoming? What're you doing here?

"I guess Church must be popular around the Freelancers, huh?" Yang said.

 **Wyoming** : Been hired to do a job with your little friend Tucker. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about.

 **Grif** : Who's this cracker?

 **Church** : Naw, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter that was in the same division as Tex.

Yang had to resist yelling out that Wyoming was a scumbag, 'He's the bad guy! But his accent… is so god damn hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooootttttttttttttttttttttttt…' Yang thought as she started to drool, raising many eyebrows.

 **Wyoming** : Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.

 **Church** : When I get out of here, -

 **Wyoming** : But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. No one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio.

"J-Joke's o-on hi-him. Ch-Church i-is already de-de-dea-de-dead." Ruby said, catching herself off guard on how hard it was to say 'dead'.

_Wyoming goes invisible and runs off._

**Church** : We gotta find a way to escape, Grif.

 **Grif** : If only we had bed sheets.

 **Church** : There's no window. What good is tying together bed sheets gonna do us?

 **Grif** : Who said anything about tying them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep.

"Lazy, even at the face of death." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to Donut, Tucker and Tex on the Red Base, and Sheila below, looking up at them._

**Sheila** : Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

"I'm not even going to ask how she does that." Blake said as she rubbed her forehead, "Or even why they let her do that."

 **Tucker** : Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

 **Donut** : Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

 **Sheila** : Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.

"Wrong… species." Yang said, "I think they count."

_Tex runs through the teleporter, then Donut._

**Tucker** : Bye Sheila, we'll come back for you soon.

 **Sheila** : I'll be waiting.

_Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Caboose standing around a teleporter receptacle._

Yang wiped away a tear, "I already miss her." Yang said, barely holding back the sad look on her face,

"Don't worry Yang, she'll be alright." Blake comforted her, 'Though we'll probably won't see her ever again.'

 **Simmons** : Okay, here they come.

_Tex emerges and runs off, then Donut emerges._

**Donut** : Yeahah, I knew I could fix a teleporter. I guess these hands aren't just for manicuring after all. Yea-huh.

"No grown should get a manicure." Yang said, feeling that Donut is becoming more girly each episode.

_Tucker emerges, covered in black stuff._

**Tucker** : OW, crap!

"How the!?" Weiss then proceeded to palm her face, leaving a light-ish red mark on her forehead, "You know… I'm not even going to bother…"

"Back in black huh, Pussy Cat?" Yang joked, only to be rewarded with a death glare by the cat girl.

 **Simmons** : What's all that black stuff on your armor?

 **Tucker** : Just me? What the fuck?

 **Caboose** : Tucker! I am so glad to see you. Here, let me help you clean your armor off, by rubbing you all over.

_Tucker and Caboose run off._

"Donut comment in 3… 2… 1…" Weiss counted down, "Nnnnow!"

 **Donut** : Ooh ooh, let me help!

While Weiss face palmed again, Blake was chanting in her head, 'It's not Yaoi… it's not Yaoi… it's not Yaoi…'

' _It is **so** Yaoi._' Another voice in her head said, ' _Admit it... Pussy Cat._'

"SHUT UP!" Blake blurted out, emphasized with her jumping off her chair and heavy breathing,

"Uh… Blake?" Yang started as she and Weiss looked at their half-cat team mate, "What…"

"Don't ask… please." Blake responded, failing to hide the biggest blush on her face to date as she sat back down,

' _BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!_ ' A female voice in the girls' heads yelled out, sending shivers down their spines, 'But… wasn't it supposed to be a guy?' (AN: Thank you jgresidentevil!)

 **Caboose** : Absolutely, Admiral Buttercrust.

"A-And y-ye-yet, h-he st-still ge-gets the na-name wrong." Ruby said.

_Cut to Wyoming looking at those three through a sniper rifle._

**Wyoming** : Hmm, I don't see him. Perhaps they've disguised him somehow. Well played.

"Wow, Tucker's curse is actually sort of a blessing right now." Yang said, "Though if I was in that situation, I'd just shoot everyone."

_Cut to Tex looking at him._

**Tex** : Gotcha.

_Cut to Simmons and Sarge._

**Simmons** : So what's the plan, Sarge?

 **Sarge** : First, we need to locate Church and get that bomb defused. Then we can find Lopez, download our plans, and get back to fighting the Blues.

"Finally! A plan that makes sense!" Weiss exclaimed, "Except…"

 **Simmons** : And find Grif.

 **Sarge** : What?

 **Simmons** : And we also need to find Grif. Right sir?

 **Sarge** : Well, not every plan is perfect, so I suppose we could accidentally find Grif along the way.

_Cut to Grif and the still-ticking Church in their cell._

"You know, they should've noted something about the ticking by now." Blake pointed out, "Maybe a loud clock or  **A 10 MEGATON BOMB**."

 **Church** : Okay Grif, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit.

 **Grif** : You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals.

"What other guys? You're the only ones there!" Weiss exclaimed, annoyed.

 **Church** : Alright.

_The bars start rising._

"Okay, that's ominous." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Here goes.

 **Grif** : You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all.

 **Church** : What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.

"Wyoming must be lying then." Yang said.

_They run off._

**Grif** : Freedom, it smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

"Okay, first off, it's an ICE PLANET IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR, even though it's fake! So I doubt there's a liquor store anywhere near there. And two, that would actually send you to jail and you get to _really_  deal with those men in Cell Block C, you idiot!" Weiss complained even more, getting really annoyed (AN: snake screamer people!)

_Cut to Caboose, the clean Tucker and Donut._

**Caboose** : There, you are all clean.

 **Tucker** : Thanks, but you didn't need to spend so much time on the codpiece, Donut.

 **Donut** : A three-coat waxing is just my way of saying I care.

'It's not a Yaoi…'

' _Oh, you wish Pussy Cat. You wish._ '

_Cut to Wyoming looking through his sniper rifle at the newly cleaned Tucker._

**Wyoming** : Well, there we are, mate.

 **Tex** : ( _aiming at Wyoming from close range_ ) Hello Wyoming. Why don't you stop pointing that gun at my friend?

"D-D-Did T-Tex j-ju-just say 'fr-friend'?" Ruby asked in disbelief, "I-I al-always th-thought she's a c-c-cold-hearted b-bitch."

"I guess you were wrong, Ruby." Weiss said as the others smiled and turned back to the TV,

"I-I st-still wa-want her t-to d-die though." She whispered to herself.

 **Wyoming** : Allison, good to see you. How's our good friend Omega?

"Omega? What the fuck is an Omega?" Yang thought out loud.

 **Tex** : You tell me. He hired you, didn't he?

 **Wyoming** : Now how did you know that?

 **Tex** : When someone lives in your head for a few years, you get to know him. Where is he?

"Wait, Omega… O'Malley…" Blake muttered to herself before saying, "Omega is O'Malley. He sent Wyoming to kill Tucker and probably Tex too."

"This A.I is seriously messed up…" Weiss muttered as she shook her head,

"And what kinda of name is O'Malley and Omega?" Yang asked rhetorically.

 **Wyoming** : Oh, he'll be along shortly.

_O'Malley cocks a shotgun behind Tex._

**Wyoming** : Very shortly.

"That's not good." Yang said.

 **Tex** : Oh crap.

 **O'Malley** : ( _evil laughter_ ) Only now do you realize the folly of your idle chit-chat! Evil wins! Hahaha! Good sucks an egg.

"Fuck Evil! GOOD GUYS FOREVER! IT CAN SUCK MY CLUNGE, BITCH!" (AN: Bonus points to anyone who recognizes that word from the podcast!) Surprisingly, or not, Blake yelled this out, causing her team mates slowly reaching for the duct tape.

 **Doc** : I'm really sorry about this sir- I mean ma'am- I mean miss!

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up.

'Am I the only one who noticed that Tex was a girl at first glance?' Weiss thought with an eye twitch,

"W-Well, um… Y-Yang, I-I'm going t-t-to get m-more pop-pop-popcorn." Ruby said,

"What do ya mean Ruby? We've got plenty of pop-" That's when Yang and the girls looked down at the empty bowl of popcorn, "-corn."

"W-When? H-How?" Weiss stuttered,

"How did she make that entire bowl of popcorn vanish?" Blake asked in disbelief. The WBYs looked at each other for a moment before looking back at the bowl.

Which was now missing.

"OH SON OF A… ARGH!" Blake yelled out in frustration and then punched the nearest thing without thinking. That thing was Yang, by the way,

"Why does everything happen to me?" Yang groaned from the floor (AN: Rider Cure, my friends). After many apologies and the mysterious return of popcorn (much to Blake's chagrin), Yang picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Make Your Time)**

_Fade in on Doc (O'Malley, Omega, whatever) standing on an icy precipice._

**O'Malley** : Hahahahahahahahaha. You fools have fallen right in to my hands. Only now, do you realize the folly of your follies, hahaha. Prepare for an oblivion, for which there is no preparation! ( _Evil laugh_ )

"Oh for the love of-SHUT THE FUCK WITH THE FUCKING LAUGHING FOR GOD'S FUCKING SAKE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Yang yelled out, already had enough evil laughter for a week.

 **Simmons** : O'Malley! The Reds and Blues are working together now! You can't hope to beat us.

"I doubt that." Weiss muttered. Blake was at least smirking that the Reds & Blues were together now. Now, they could die together.

 **O'Malley** : You fool! My metallic friend is the only ally I need.

"L-Loner much?" Ruby said.

 **O'Malley:** Lopez, activate weather control routines.

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Okay.

_Lightning shoots out of Lopez, and he becomes surrounded in what look like spinning mystic runes._

"Th-This is g-ge-getting nuts." Ruby stuttered,

"What's with the runes?" Weiss asked,

"Oh Lord…" Blake muttered, realizing it was another one of Sarge's plan,

"Oh, that definitely doesn't look good!" Yang exclaimed,

 **Simmons** : Are those runic symbols a sign of some ancient technology?

 **Doc** : No, I used to draw them on my binder during study hall. I always wanted to use them for something. Aren't they cool?

 **O'Malley** : Shut up!

 **Sarge** : Oh, Samson's back hair. They found our secret weapon. I developed a weather control device, but I was missing one critical piece of technology to make it work.

 **O'Malley** : Hahaha yes. And now that I've located those "D" batteries, the Universe will be mine! Hahahahaha!

"Wait, why couldn't they just use Dust instead of those D-battery things?" Weiss asked,

"I'm pretty sure they don't exist in the Halo-verse. It's better if we don't over-analyze it." Yang responded (AN: snake screamer, everybody!).

 **Tucker** : Are you serious? You couldn't find D batteries.

 **Sarge** : Only at gas stations, and they're just so darn expensive there.

"You know, even though I've never even heard of a Gas Station, I'm going to guess that Sarge is a cheap bastard." Yang said.

_Church runs up to everyone, still ticking._

**Church** : What's going on?

"To put it shortly: EVERYONE IS FUCKED!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : You want the long version or the short? Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-

 **Simmons** : Ten sir.

 **Sarge** : And Lopez is about to kill us all.

"Basically a Tuesday for us." Yang muttered.

_Grif is running up behind Church._

**Church** : That didn't make any sense, what's the long version?

 **Tucker** : That was the long version. The short version is "we're boned."

"Yep, that pretty much sums it up." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Hey Grif, are you okay?

 **Grif** : I've done hard time, Simmons. I'm not the man you used to know.

 **Simmons** : Hard time? We were only separated for five hours.

 **Grif** : Time moves slower on the inside, Simmons. It seemed like seven or eight hours to me.

Weiss couldn't help but face palm, 'God dammit! This is like the fifth time I've done that!'

_O'Malley fires a rocket overhead that lands behind them. They scatter._

**O'Malley** : You foolish fools will never defeat me! You're far too busy being foolish! Ha! Oblivion is at hand!

"This guy is  _really_ starting to get on my nerves." Blake said, "Even more than Torchwick."

 **Simmons** : Sarge. I have an idea, but I need you to distract him.

 **Sarge** : Will do! ( _Turns to Grif, who's hiding behind the rock with him... again_ ) Grif? I've never believed in you. Not even for a moment. But now, is your chance to prove yourself. To me.

"It's going to be a suicide mission." Weiss stated, "And it will not end well."

 **Grif** : What can I do, Sarge?

 **Sarge** : I need you to run right at O'Malley.

 **Grif** : And shank him with my shiv?

"What Shiv!? You were in prison for literally  _hours_ in a room with nothing but Church and a bomb in his gut! There was nothing, NOTHING, you could use to make a shiv with!" Weiss yelled out, starting to understand Sarge's problem with Grif.

 **Sarge** : No. When he blows you up with the rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

 **Grif** : You're kidding.

 **Sarge** : It's a remote chance, I know. But it's worth a shot.

"Sarge, that plan will never work! Though admittingly if it did work, it would be arguably be the most badass and fucking awesome way to go! Plus, seeing O'Malley scream like a bitch while dismembered body parts attack him would be pretty funny." Yang conceded, making everyone, even the Hidden Rose, look at Yang as if she was, no, IS crazy (AN: snake screamer, again!)

 **O'Malley** : ( _running up to their cozy little rock_ ) Ahhhhblivion is at hand! ( _Evil laugh_ )

 **Doc** : Cover your ears, guys. This thing is really loud.

 **Grif** : This is it!

 **Simmons** : Not so fast, O'Malley! Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can!

_A teleporter portal randomly appears in the middle of the ground, and the Battle Creek soldiers come pouring out of it._

"O-Oh."

"My."

"Fucking."

"Shit." The RWBYs say slowly.

 **A Blue Soldier** : Alright, new level, yeah!

 **Blue and Red Soldiers** : Whoohoo!

 **Simmons** : Hey guys, you want your flag?

_The Battle Creek soldiers all look at Simmons._

**Simmons** : He's the one that has it!

 **The Red Zealot** : The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light!

_The Battle Creek soldiers start attacking the hell out of O'Malley._

"Something to note: Don't fuck with their flags." Weiss said as she saw an A.I possessed man with a rocket launcher getting beaten up by Flag Worshiping Assholes. She had to give some respect to that.

 **O'Malley** : Get away from me! No! Get out, no! Dow!

 **Simmons** : We need to disarm Church's bomb, Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Right.

 **Church** : ( _getting hit by lightning from Lopez_ ) Yow, whoohoohoo!

"That can't be good." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Hold still, son, this'll just take a second. ( _Kneels in front of Church_ )

 **Church** : Don't you ever install anything above the waist?

"Nah, that would make too much sense." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Oh no! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off.

 **Simmons** : Can you do it manually?

 **Sarge** : Impossible. I specifically designed it so that I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

"But how would he-you know, I'm not going to ask." Weiss said as she groaned.

 **Grif** : Why?

 **Sarge** : In case I fell in to the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the Blues.

 **Simmons** : Nice thinking, sir.

"No, not nice thinking. Very bad thinking!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Grif** : You had to get just one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you.

_Cut to the Battle Creek soldiers humping the fallen O'Malley._

And Weiss' respect vanished at the scene.

 **O'Malley** : No nup- that's disgusting, what're you doing?

Weiss just palmed her face in embarrassment as she may have done that once or twice online. Or 23,591,919 times. It said so on her stats, "Wh-Why a-are th-they do-doing that?" Ruby asked in horror, now mentally scarred for life (well, at least more mentally scarred). She didn't get an answer as Blake & Yang were in their own thoughts. They were just thinking about different things.

 **Blue Soldier** : Let me try, let me try.

 **Red Soldier** : Heh heh heh.

 **Another Red Soldier** : Take that dude!

 **O'Malley** : I'm being violated!

Yang couldn't help but snicker at the sight, "Serves him right!" Yang said as she laughed,

"I'm surprised that Doc isn't responding to all of that." Blake said, figuring that he would hate it. That, or he liked it, ' _You know you want it._ '

"Considering O'Malley possessed him and forced him into an alliance, he's probably taking his revenge by hiding himself into his own psyche and forcing O'Malley to suffer through this alone at the moment." Weiss guessed (AN: jgresidentevil, everybody with a Warlord-Xana modification!)

 **Tucker** : ( _pulling out a rocket launcher_ ) Church, there's only one thing I can do.

"Everything can be solved with violence, huh Yang?" Blake said to the blonde,

"Well, not everything…" Yang muttered, "You can't use it to solve… huh. I actually can't think of anything."

 **Church** : Hehey, what the hell?

 **Simmons** : There's only twenty seconds left!

 **Tucker** : If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

 **Church** : But the rocket'll kill me.

"Yo-You're al-a-already d-dead." Ruby pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Ten seconds.

"And so will everyone else." Yang said as everyone prepared for the explosion/grabbed as much popcorn as they could into their hands.

 **Grif** : You're gonna die anyway when the bomb goes off!

 **Church** : What can I tell ya pal, misery loves company.

"No kidding." Weiss muttered, not-so-subtly glancing at Yang and at a random direction, hoping it was Ruby.

 **Simmons** : Five seconds!

"They're going to die, aren't they?" Blake said emotionlessly.

 **Tucker** : Sorry Church.

 **Church** : Man this blows, you guys suck.

_The rocket launcher is shot right out of Tucker's hands._

**Tucker** : What the hell!?

_Cut to Wyoming on an icy peak._

"Oh, they are so fucked." Weiss muttered.

 **Wyoming** : Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate.

Ruby didn't admit it but right now, Wyoming was on her Top Snipers List now.

 **Simmons** : Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds.

"U-Uh oh." (Ruby)

"Uh oh." (Weiss)

"Oh no." (Blake)

"Oh crap." (Yang)

 **Tucker** : Whuh oh.

 **Church** : What? Oh, son of a-

_Cut to the ring world Halo exploding in a huge white blast that shoots all the way across space._

"O-Oh no!" Ruby exclaimed, "T-Th-They're not d-de-de-d-dead are th-they?"

"Well, at least it was a happy ending." Yang said. Blake looked at her partner in disbelief,

"How the hell was that a happy ending!?" Blake had to ask,

"Because they'll all go to Heaven." Yang replied,

"What makes you say that!? They're far from saints!" Weiss exclaimed,

"Because in the end, they all went to Church." Yang punned. Weiss & Blake shared a look and nodded,

"Ruby? Execute?" They asked,

"E-Ex-Execute." The heiress and cat girl nodded.

And proceeded to pelt Yang with a basket full of fruit each (AN: AfroThunda, everyone!). After about 2 hours in the bathroom, Yang was clean (enough) to watch again.

_The screen goes white, and a loud ringing beep is audible, shortly to be replaced by a warbling sound as it fades in to a black and white spiral sort of pattern, with the Reds and the Blues sans Church floating in front of it._

"This is getting trippy." Yang said as she carefully pulled the last piece of fruit out of her hair.

 **Simmons** : What the...

 **Sarge** : The bomb must have gone off.

"No shit, Sherlock." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Where are we? Are we dead?

 **Caboose** : I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive, or, a cowboy.

"And he would be the worst cowboy ever." Yang said.

 **Donut** : Dead, oh man. Tomorrow was all you can eat day at the chow hall. And I wanted to eat all that I could.

_The spiral pattern is replaced with a stars pattern, still rotating._

**Sarge** : We're not dead, idiots. We're stuck in some kind of temporal... whoa no! Heads up boys, prepare for impact!

_Screen goes white, then fades in to a shot of the sky with a different targeting reticule._

**Tucker** : Gnnmnaugh, what happened?

_Donut emerges in shiny new pink armor that looks different than before._

"Hey, it looks like they've upgraded to the second game now." Blake pointed out as they saw one of the soldiers they love/hate. More hate than love (if it was even there) but that counts, right?

"I'll say." Yang agreed, already getting used to the new graphics. Weiss noted that it wasn't the best but it was a really great improvement from the first game. Anyway, they all agreed, though, they weren't sure about Ruby because of obvious reasons (AN: jgresidentevil, people! And there are still more!)

 **Donut** : Hey, he's awake!

 **Grif** : I still wanna know why I don't get a laser gun.

 **Simmons** : Shut up, dumbass.

 **Donut** : Guys, Tucker's awake.

 **Simmons** : Huh? Hey hey hey, take it easy Tucker, you've been out a while.

 **Grif** : And I thought I was lazy.

"There's a difference being asleep and being lazy." Weiss said.

 **Tucker** : What's going on? Who are you people?

 **Donut** : He has amnesia! Tucker. Don't worry. You are safe. We're the Reds, we are your mortal enemies. Wait. That didn't sound right.

"Yeeeaaahhhh… not the best first impression even though they've already met." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : Tucker! Tucker! I am so glad you are alive.

 **Tucker** : Caboose? Still so dumb, but you look so different.

 **Caboose** : We're in the future! Things are very shiny here.

"Wait, WHAT!?" The girls all yelled out,

"The fu-How the shit did that happen!?" Weiss asked,

"M-Ma-Maybe i-it has t-t-to d-do wi-with t-tha-that sw-swirly t-thingy." Ruby guessed.

 **Tucker** : The future? Oh I can't fucking wait to hear this one.

"Us too." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : Obviously Lopez's weather matrix combined with the power of bomb 21 combined to create an explosion so large, it caused a temporal rift in time, that cascaded throughout the blo-

 **Tucker** : Whoa whoa wait a second, wait a second. I don't understand.

"Us too." Blake repeated, with the RWBYs getting lost halfway through Sarge's explanation.

 **Donut** : Sarge! Can we do the skit now?

"What." Weiss said flatly,

"Oh God…" Blake groaned, "I really don't want to see a stupid skit."

"C'mon, it can't be that bad." Yang said with a little optimism.

 **Caboose** : Yeah!

 **Simmons** : Yes.

 **Grif** : I don't wanna do that dumb skit.

"I don't want to watch it." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Fine. But only because I wanna see Grif be miserable. I miss the old days.

Blake just sighed as she knew she had to endure a few minutes of extended torture.

 **Donut** : Great! Places everyone!

_Everyone scatters off screen._

**Donut** : ( _clears throat_ ) The Red vs Blue players present, a Franklin Donut play. Written and directed by Franklin Donut. In association with Light Red Danish Productions.

 **Sarge** : Can we just start?

_Cut to a red curtain on the left, and a blue curtain on the right, that both peel away as if for the theatre._

**Donut** : And, action!

 **Simmons** : Hello weary traveler, we represent the timeline.

'I'm regretting watching this episode already.' Blake thought.

 **Sarge** : I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be twenty-eight years old.

 **Simmons** : And I am the future, where people have no morals and no emotions but we have a bunch of kickass gadgets.

 **Grif** : And I'm the present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.

 **Donut** : And I am the helpful narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.

 **Tucker** : You have a face... I think.

 **Donut** : Shut up, audience. You're ruining my play. Everything was fine in the timeline, until one day, in the present...

 **Grif** : Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?

 **Donut** : Because that's when people do stuff.

 **Sarge** : Ah, quit yer bitching. I have trocities and a crapload of wars seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.

"Just like Vytal." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : Yeah and I've got apocalypse. That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have.

_Sarge looks at Simmons._

"Kiss ass just kicked Sarge's ass… I think." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Sorry Sir, that "dipshit" was in character.

 **Sarge** : Oh. Well, bravo Simmons.

 **Donut** : One day, in the present, a terrible thing happened.

 **Caboose** : Enter Stage Left. Hello, I am stupid Private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone. Because I am stupid. Turns around. Hello, present. I'm going to set off a bomb in you.

"He doesn't even know the difference between dialogue and stage actions." Blake groaned.

"I'm just surprised Caboose can read." Yang admitted.

 **Grif** : Don't do that, stupid Private Tucker. That might kill me.

 **Caboose** : Thinks about this, for a moment.

 **Donut** : Caboose, stop reading your stage directions.

 **Caboose** : You told me I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it.

 **Donut** : Just the lines, not the blocking. You're ruining my big debut!

"Diva Director much?" Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : I do not think we are meshing, artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.

 **Grif** : This is stupid, I quit.

 **Donut** : You can't quit! End scene! This has been a Franklin Donut joint.

"That has to be the worse play ever." Yang said. She waited and noticed that Weiss wasn't saying it, "Weiss?"

"I'm not saying it." The White Mage declared, "Not this time." The room was quiet until Ruby spoke up,

"O-O-Of al-all t-time?"

"Weiss does it better." Blake said (AN: Autistic-Grizzly, everybody!)

 **Sarge** : Listen, son. You and your buddy Church set off a bomb, which when combined with the weather machinery in Lopez, made an explosion so large it destroyed the present.

*RWBY FACE PALM!*

"A time period cannot be destroyed with a bomb, no matter how large it is." Weiss said while she pinched the bridge of her nose, 'My dad tried.'

 **Tucker** : Destroyed the present, then where are we?

 **Simmons** : We're in the future, numbnuts.

"Which is pretty much the present." Blake pointed out.

 **Tucker** : Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present?

 **Simmons** : Unbelievable, he can't cope with the loss. He's in denial.

 **Grif** : That is so sad.

"Nope, what's happening now is sad." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : Son, you're just not listenin'. The present has been destroyed. It no longer exists. We are in the future.

 **Tucker** : Ah-ho, it makes no sense!

 **Donut** : I'm currently working on a short film to explain it. Tom Cruise has the script, and I hear he's veeery interested.

"Meaning he burnt it and destroyed the ashes." Weiss said, not knowing anything about this 'Tom Cruise' is.

 **Tucker** : You're telling me a bomb sent us in to the future.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, you see luckily Church was facing forward when the bomb went off, and we were standing in front of him. So that sent us forward in to the future.

 **Tucker** : Of course he was facing forward. What other way can people face?

 **Simmons** : You see? That's what I meant by luckily.

 **Tucker** : What happened to Church?

"He's probably dead." Weiss said flatly. She heard Ruby sigh sadly and sob a little,

"H-He can't be d-de-d-dead." Ruby said quietly, "H-H-He j-j-ju-just c-ca-can't."

 **Sarge** : Hmm. Never really thought about him.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, weird, I-I guess he's dead.

 **Sarge** : Sounds good to me, let's go with that.

"Disrespectful prick." Blake muttered angrily.

 **Tucker** : He could be hurt, and trapped in the present.

 **Sarge** : That's impossible, son. The present doesn't exist anymore. What you're proposing just isn't very good science.

"Everything your saying isn't good science." Yang said, "And this is coming from me."

 **Tucker** : Don't you see? If Church was facing forward during the explosion, and that blew us in to the future, that could mean that he was blown backward in to the... oh no!

"Oh shit…" Weiss said quietly,

"What?" Yang asked,

"If their logic is correct then…" Weiss didn't finish her sentence, hoping that the others will catch on.

 **Sarge** : Backwards in to what? A wall? A broom closet?

"Oh my God…" Blake muttered as she realized what Weiss figured out.

 **Grif** : A big rock?

"O-Oh…" Ruby said realizing as well,

"What is everyone talking about!?" Yang exclaimed, still not catching on,

"Y-Yo-You'll fi-find o-out s-so-soon."

 **Caboose** : Another big rock!

 **Tucker** : No! In to the past!

"WHAT!?" Yang yelled out, but noticed that no one else exclaimed the word, "I really need to pay attention more."

_Cut to Church, in all his sixteen-color goodness._

**Church** : What the hell? Where the hell am I?

"Where nerds are in their basement and getting their mum to get energy drinks." Yang said. Suddenly, they heard a lion growl, "Blake?"

"It wasn't me, Yang." Blake responded before going to a quiet Weiss, "Hm?"

"Nothing." Weiss said through gritted teeth, "Start the next episode."

"Wh-Wha-What's wr-wrong, W-Wei-Weiss?" Ruby asked, "Y-You w-wanna t-ta-t-talk a-ab-about i-it?"

"No, I don't want to talk about it so hurry up AND START THE FUCKING THE EPISODE!" Ruby whimpered and quickly grabbed the remote without being seen and started the episode.

**(We Must Rebuild)**

_Fade in and pan down to Grif and Simmons and Tucker._

**Grif** : They destroyed it all, Simmons, those damn stupid bastards. They blew it all up! Damn them! Damn them to Hell! Those damn dirty apes!

"THERE ARE NO APES! THE ONLY FUCKING APES ARE YOU IDIOTS!" Weiss yelled out, still really angry,

"Really channeling her inner Church." Yang whispered to Blake who couldn't help but be reminded of Sun at Grif's speech, 'I should give him a call as soon as we get out, now that I think about it.'

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" 'If I survive that long.'

 **Simmons** : Calm down Grif, we don't know that the whole world is like this.

 **Grif** : Yes it is, they destroyed it all. I guess the society of men just wasn't meant to survive.

"Then why did they give us Dust?" Weiss asked after she calmed down, even a little smugly.

 **Simmons** : Hey how 'bout this: how 'bout we explore, more than two square miles, before we jump to any conclusions.

"Good plan when you're lost." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages which caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab.

 **Simmons** : Oh come on.

 **Grif** : That caused a huge plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh.

"This is starting to sound like every single bad 'End of the World' flicks." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Grif** : A handful of gritty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits, and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good... and that's when the meteor hit.

 **Simmons** : I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

"That's what I said!"

 **Tucker** : Naw. Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse. They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away and that changes everything. Like in Road Warrior it was gas, and in Waterworld it was land.

"You know he's right." Blake said, "Pretty much every single apocalypse film has at least one thing taken away."

 **Simmons** : What went away in The Matrix?

 **Tucker** : Sunlight.

 **Grif** : I thought the missing element was plot.

 **Tucker** : I'm talkin about Matrix One.

 **Simmons** : Oh right.

"Okay, I have to admit that was a good burn." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Face it Simmons, the age of man is done.

 **Simmons** : If all that happened, then were are the zombies? Why aren't they still around?

 **Grif** : The meteor killed them!

 **Simmons** : And what about the super bacteria?

 **Grif** : It was infected by alien bacteria brought by the meteor, and was wiped out in a massive bacteria on bacteria plague. Very ironic.

"I-I'm al-a-already l-l-lost." Ruby stuttered.

 **Simmons** : Okay, then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?

 **Grif** : It only infects other bacteria. Are you even listening to me?

"That's not even biologically possible, let alone physically." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Do you guys ever get anything done, or you do you just stand around and talk all day?

"That's what all they do!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Grif** : We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

 **Tucker** : But what about Church, idiot? How're we gonna get him from the past to the future?

 **Grif** : I guess he can just wait. That's how it usually works.

"He is a g-g-ghost so that could be a possibility." Blake pointed out.

 **Tucker** : But when he gets to the present, he'll just be destroyed like everything else.

 **Simmons** : Well, he'll just have to fix it on his own then.

 **Grif** : And if he's successful, he'll get to live through the coolest apocalypse (with Weiss) of all time!

"FUCK!"

 **Sarge** : Simmons, Grif, get yer keesters over here.

_Cut to Donut and Caboose standing next to what seems at first glance to be a jeep, but could really be anything in the future day and age._

"Okay, this time we'll really decide a proper name because Chupathingy is dumb." Yang said, which everyone agreed to, even Ruby, "Okay, we'll all say a name, got it." When she was sure everyone nodded she said, "Alright. Three… Two… One! PUMA!"

"PUMA!"

"W-WARTHOG!"

"WARTHOG!" Everyone stared at each other with Team Puma (formerly Team Warthog) stared back at one of the members of Team Warthog (formerly Team Puma),

*Sigh* "Chupathingy?"

"Chupathingy…" The rest groaned, 'I still think Puma/Warthog is better.' Team Puma (reverted back to their original teams) & Team Warthog thought.

 **Caboose** : Look what I found.

 **Donut** : I found it!

"Blatant lies." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : Look at what I took credit for finding.

 **Sarge** : A-mazing that these two actually accomplished something.

 **Grif** : It looks like some kind of an alien transport mechanism that could be used to-

 **Simmons** : Or, it's a jeep.

 **Grif** : You have no imagination.

"You're stranded. Imagination isn't really important right now." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Hmmm, let me see if I can get this thing working.

 **Simmons** : How? There's no parts. And what're you gonna use for fuel?

 **Sarge** : Grif was right, Simmons. You don't have any imagination.

 **Grif** : Thank you sir.

"Wait for it." Weiss said before Yang could even speak.

 **Sarge** : Shut up, scumbag, we're not having a moment.

Yang sighed and slumped back into her chair.

 **Tucker** : Hey. We need to find Church.

 **Sarge** : He's dead, son. Why haven't you given up hope yet and just moved on.

 **Tucker** : It's only been a couple of hours!

"Yeah, wait. He's only a few  _thousand years away_." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Well this should make you feel better. When his body blasted in to smithereens, at least he took all our enemies with him.

_Cut to a beach, with a sign saying "Danger: No Swimming" with a picture of a shark on it._

**Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Warning. Error. Error. Warning. Error. Error. I cannot feel my body... ( _As if winding down_ )

"You gotta be kidding me." Blake muttered, "That must be the most ineffective bomb ever,"

"Of all time." Weiss couldn't help but say, 'God damn it…'

 **O'Malley** : ( _evil laugh_ ) Don't worry, my metallic friend. You'll be up and about in no time. Muhahahaha. Muhhh-hahaha-heh. U-ha! Haw. Ha-ha. Uhngh. ( _cough_ ) Hah!

"Crap! O'Malley's alive!" Weiss exclaimed, with a headache following not too far behind,

"Dammit." Blake muttered,

"Hehe, Lopez's just ahead." Yang chuckled. There was long silence after that before Ruby spoke up with even more a stutter in her voice,

"S-S-S-Si-Sis, y-y-you s-sc-sca-s-scare m-me s-so-someti-ti-times." (AN: Last one from jgresidentevil!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	23. Another Attempt (New Toys, We're Being Watched, It's a Biological Fact)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"It's not going to work." Blake said with a monotone voice, "It is so not going to work."

"C'mon Pussy Cat!" Yang said as she brought in her latest plan, "Believe in the awesome of my work!"

"Well, your 'awesome' almost killed us that one time!" Weiss exclaimed, "IN A BOUNCING CASTLE NO LESS!"

'Who in their right mind would order a bouncing castle in the middle of the school year?' the RWBYs thought at the same time. Somewhere on the road, a blonde boy sneezed, thinking he was coming down with something, "Weiss, it was only that one time! Not counting that other time at the *shudder* Atlas Incident." The others shuddered at the memory of the Atlas Incident. They had had nightmares for weeks. Actually, the entire school did. They couldn't remember how it started but it did begin with a mission there and a pineapple Ruby brought over with her on the plane… They all quickly shook their heads to get rid of these thoughts.

First rule of the Atlas Incident: Delete all memories of said Incident.

"Anyway," Yang said to get things back on topic, "This plan is Caboose-Proof!"

"It's Fool-Proof, Yang." Weiss corrected.

"No… Caboose is the new standard now." Yang said as she pulled out a plate of cookies and milk and put them on the table, "And now we wait."

"You aren't really creative, are you Yang?" Blake said as she saw the remains of Yang's last plan on the floor, "Seriously, another plate of cookies and milk? Are you even trying?"

"Don't worry Pussy Cat, I've got this!" Yang said happily before whispering to the Heiress and Faunus, "I put tracking devices in them. So when Ruby eats them, I'll use my Scroll to track her down."

"Where  _did_  you find tracking devices?" Weiss asked,

"Professor Ozpin's office. He literally has hundreds! Thousands even!" Yang exclaimed happily, way too excited that she found a way to find her ninja of a sister. When she felt her Scroll vibrate, she smiled and pulled it out, 'These things are so useful! SO WHY DOESN'T IT HAVE AN ACTUAL PHONE APP ON IT!?' Yang thought as she went onto the Tracker app she stole off of Ozpin's phone which he left on his desk accidently. Where he recently recharged it so he could have unlimited calls and international coverage for the summer. And conveniently has RWBY's & JNPR's numbers on it as well as any other teacher in the school in it.

Let that sink in for a moment before you continue reading while listening to Glee Club Polka by Kevin MacLeod (AN: Or A.K.A the Technical Difficulties song. IT'S GAVIN FREE!).

Anyway, she smiled when she saw the cookies and milk were completely gone… until she saw two red, flashing dots on it. Her eyes widened, as well as the others before they looked down at Yang's Scroll. In big, fat capital letters, it spelt two words.

NICE TRY

Yang could only slump down in her chair while Weiss stared at the Scroll in disbelief. Blake, however, took it the best. She growled and roared like a tiger as she proceeded to spend an hour at Emerald Forest, destroying all Grimm in sight.

With her bare hands.

At least all the Beowulves feared her now.

(An hour later…)

"Please teach me!" Yang begged Blake as they sat down,

"For the last time, I don't know how I ripped out that Grimm's spine and skull and beat it to death with it." Blake answered for the millionth time as she flicked some guts out of her hair, "I was just in the moment, you know?"

"Then piss me off then! Make me angry!" Yang begged again, "Please! All I want to do is do the physically impossible!"

"We do that every day." Weiss muttered, "Okay, before we do anything rash, we should at least watch a few more episodes of RvB."

"RvB, Weiss?" Blake asked with an amused expression on her face,

"Sh-Shut it!" Weiss stuttered, "I-It's better than s-saying Red verses Blue all the time!"

"Sure… whatever you say, Weiss." Blake said with an eyeroll before everyone got settled in their spots,

"I wonder what'll happen now." Yang thought out loud, thankful that she was watching more Red vs Blue. Maybe it'll piss her off long enough to perform the logic defying move.

Weiss could only shrug her shoulders, "Who knows, they're in the future now and Church is in the past."

"Why do I have the feeling that there's gonna be more migraine inducers?" Blake muttered,

"I-I-It i-is R-Red v-vs B-Bl-Blue." Ruby said as she grabbed the remote without anyone noticing and pressing the magical button that is play (AN: jgresidentevil everyone!).

**(New Toys)**

_Fade in to a miscellaneous shot of wherever the Reds, Caboose and Tucker are._

"You know, if the Reds and Blues are the only survivors of the apocalypse, what do you get?" Yang asked out of curiosity,

"Not hope." (Blake)

"Hell." (Weiss)

"S-S-Some r-re-really f-fu-f-fuc-fucked u-up s-s-shit." (Ruby) (AN: From Slenderbrine, people!)

 **Sarge** : Donut, hold the light right there. No, not on me, on that. Why would I need the light, on my face?

_Cut to Sarge and Donut lying under the jeep, mechanic-style._

'All will be forgiven if they actually fix the Puma.' Yang thought with hope in her thoughts, 'Then again, it is Sarge… and Donut.'

 **Donut** : Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing that looks like a bunny!? Ooh, ooh, and what's that other metal thing that looks like a soup can?

"IF YOU DARE FUCK WITH THE PUMA DONUT, I SWEAR I'LL-!"

"Chu-Chu-Chupa-."

"I MEANT CHUPATHINGY, YOU PINK FUCK!"

 **Sarge** : Don't touch anything, Donut. Okay fellas, I think I've got it. Give her a crank. ...Guys? ...Hey, what in tarnation are you knuckleheads doing up there?

_Cut to Simmons and Tucker._

**Simmons** : No, I don't think getting new rims for the jeep's a good idea.

 **Grif** : ( _in the driver seat of the jeep_ ) Oh come on! If we all kick in, we can get some spinners, some kickass subs, hydraulics!

 **Tucker** : I'm in.

"Boys…" Weiss scoffed. Yang, however, almost fainted at the thought of hydraulics on the jeep.

 **Simmons** : Why?

 **Grif** : Uh, for style?

 **Tucker** : For chicks!

"Yeah, having a multi-million lien military vehicle with a paint job will definitely pick up chicks." Blake said sarcastically.

 **Simmons** : What chicks, there's no one for miles. We don't even know if anyone's still alive.

 **Grif** : What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

"Wh-What's a p-pe-pes-pessimist?" Ruby asked,

"Well, it means no matter what the situation is, someone will find a bad outcome or a worse situation." Weiss answered,

"A-A-Actu-Actually wh-while y-y-you w-w-were t-talking I-I s-searched it u-up on G-G-Google." Everyone heard a growl at that moment, but couldn't find the source. Meanwhile, Blake was plotting. Semi-evilly but for the good of Man/Faunus-kind, and for personal reasons of finding the little bitch, "S-Sorry."

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but if we do find some women, we will literally be the last men on Earth for them.

'Urf? What the fuck kind of name is that!?' The RWBYs thought at the same time.

 **Grif** : He's right.

 **Tucker** : All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth," haha. Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet ass pimped out ride, bitch.

"I'd rather be a lesbian than be with him." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : ( _standing up_ ) If you ladies are through gossiping, I could use some help fixing our vehicle.

 **Grif** : Oh yeah, right, here let me try.

_Sounds of the jeep starting up, then it moves a foot or two and grinds to a stop._

"You fuck." Yang growled, "You little pink fuck."

"That doesn't sound good." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Wait!

 **Donut** : ( _still under the jeep_ ) Ya-ya-yaaaoouwwwww!

"He touched what he thought was a bunny, didn't he?" Blake deadpanned as she face palmed.

 **Sarge** : Donut, are you okay?

 **Donut** : I was just, petting, the bunny. And then it went in to the soup can... and part of my hand went with it.

"H-He d-d-did s-say n-n-not to t-to-touch a-a-anything." Ruby muttered as the others agreed. He may be pretty much the Nora Valkyrie of Red vs Blue, but he was just as dumb as Caboose (AN: jgresidentevil! Yep, officially running out of things to say).

 **Sarge** : ( _lying back down_ ) Gehrururur...

 **Tucker** : Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom used to make.

Blake quickly turned green as she had a very disturbing image of Cardin cooking Velvet in soup with someone's hand in it. Until it was replaced with something more… Teal/Aqua/Who-The-Fuck-Cares, ' _You know you want it._ ' Her usually-locked-in-a-mental-cage really perverted side said.

'Ruby is rubbing off on me.' Blake thought worryingly, "Let's not mention this to Velvet after this is over." Everyone quickly agreed. Even though Yang, Blake & Weiss had rabbit for dinner a few nights ago (AN: classicalass everybody! Also for the Ruby rubbing off on Blake thing is from a reviewer I can't find so sorry. Uh, shout out to you, I guess*)

 **Sarge** : Donut, I told you not to touch anything. You touched everything! That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

_Simmons hops up in the passenger seat of the jeep._

**Grif** : Hey, what're you doing?

 **Simmons** : What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting in the jeep.

 **Grif** : What're we, on a date? Get in the back.

' _HURRY UP AND FUCK ALREADY!_ '

'Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore…'

 **Simmons** : Oh you're so insecure.

 **Sarge** : ( _standing back up_ ) Will you two shut up? We need to get this thing fixed.

 **Donut** : I feel dizzy, Sarge...

 **Sarge** : Oh, that's just blood loss. You'll make new blood, you just need some orange juice.

"FROM WHERE!? The juice bar!? That could be a viable option since it's only a few PLANETS AWAY!" Yang exclaimed angrily.

 **Tucker** : What's the rush on getting this thing fixed, anyway?

 **Sarge** : Listen nubbin, I know on Blue Team you like to lollygag a bit-

 **Tucker** : There is no Blue Team. It's all a lie. Red and Blue are the same.

 **Grif** : Aw, don't start that crap again.

"You know, I have no words for how stupid they are now." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. The government put a chip in my brain.

 **Grif** : The President can hear my thoughts.

 **Donut** : We never landed on the sun.

"NO ONE HAS!" The RWBYs yelled out.

 **Grif** : ( _sharp inhale_ ) They put fluoride in my water!

 **Simmons** : Actually, that one's true.

"That was expected." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

 **Sarge** : We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared. Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing to attack us at this very moment.

 **Tucker** : But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. 'Cept get L-A-I-D.

 **Simmons** : ...

 **Grif** : ...

"WEAK!" Yang yelled out.

 **Tucker** : Laid.

 **Grif** : Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.

_Cut to Doc O'Malley and Lopez's head in some sort of base._

**O'Malley** : ( _maniacal laughter_ ) Yes, this place will do nicely for an evil lair. It's diabolically designed!

 **Doc** : As a student of feng-shui, I can tell you this house is 88% good luck. Also, very breezy. I like the floor plan.

"Even when he's being possessed by an evil A.I, he can still be a pussy." Blake muttered.

 **O'Malley** : Quiet you fool.

 **Lopez:** ( _Spanish)_  I just want my own room. I hate sharing with the vacuum.

 **O'Malley** : Hello? Is anyone home? Don't be alarmed, we're only here to kill you and take all your possessions. Excellent! No doubt our very presence, has scared everyone away! ( _evil laugh_ )

"N-N-Not t-the b-be-best w-way t-to co-convince s-s-s-someone t-to l-leave." Ruby said, "N-Nor t-the s-smar-smartest."

 **Doc** : Why don't we just see if this place is listed by a licensed real estate agent?

"Who the fuck cares!?" Yang exclaimed.

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up!

 **Doc** : But we don't even know if it's been inspected recently. It could need foundation work.

 **Lopez:** _(Spanish)_  It could have mold.

"Or asbestos." Blake muttered, 'Please, let it have asbestos.'

 **O'Malley** : Both of you shut up. We're moving in and that's final. It has machine gun turrets, two living quarters with ample closet space, and a short commute to my secret laboratory! ...It's perfect.

 **Doc** : Yeah, but what about the school district?

"For the love of God…" Yang muttered.

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  We have no children.

 **Doc** : It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.

"You know what, I have given up all hope for Doc." Weiss muttered as she face palmed.

 **O'Malley** : Resale value? Our plan is to rule the world! Not make prudent investments.

 **Lopez:** _(Spanish)_  It's important to have a fallback plan.

"H-H-He's r-ri-right, y-you know." Ruby said, remembering the time she overheard some of Torchwick's men talking about resale value and selling their weapons so they can live honest lives.

Also not to get their ass kick by 15 to 17 year old girls ever again and die with either a Scythe through the gut, a Rapier through the heart, a Pistol Whip of Death and being beat up by a girl while being set on fire.

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up. We're moving in, that's final.

 **Doc** : Hey look, a computer! Now I can finally update my blog.

 **Lopez:** _(Spanish)_  You have a blog?

 **Doc** : Yeahah, it's great. It's just like being a real journalist, but without all the hassle of like liability and accuracy.

 **O'Malley** : No, I need that computer for compiling evil formulas. And to rebuild the weather machine. Also to download music. ( _Evil laugh_ )

"Probably illegally." Yang muttered,

"H-H-H-How c-can h-he b-build a w-w-weather m-ma-machine i-if L-Lopez's b-b-body is n-n-ni-nin-ninety-nine per-percent g-g-gone?" Ruby asked,

"No offense but I don't think O'Malley is completely sane at the moment." Blake answered. She was wondering if O'Malley was suffering a personality change since he acted way more differently when it was possessing Caboose (AN: Iron-Mantis, people!)

 **Lopez:** _(Spanish)_  Does anyone want a g-mail invite?

 **Doc** : Ooh, I do!

 **Lopez:** _(Spanish)_  I only have 40,000. It's very exclusive.

"Yeah, it's only exclusive to the first 2 million people on the net." Yang said, "Wait, what's g-mail again?"

 **O'Malley** : Where's the mouse thingy?

 **Doc** : It has one of those red rubber dot thingies on the keyboard. That's way better than a mouse. I call it a nubbin. Who wants to touch my nubbin?

"Wh-W-Why is e-e-everyone bl-blushing?" Ruby asked the red faced girls, 'You know, that actually sounds like a good name for that thing. I always wonder what it was called.' Real Ruby thought. Meanwhile, Ninja Ruby was scratching her head, 'Wh-Who w-w-was th-that?' She thought for a second before shrugging and putting the remote on Yang's lap,

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

"S-Sorry Yang." Yang just sighed before she saw Blake shaking,

"Are you cold Pussy Cat?" Yang asked,

"No. Just thinking very cold thoughts." Blake answered coldly, "Now, start the episode." Yang only raised an eyebrow,

"Blake, is something wrong? Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Start. The. God. Damn. Episode." Yang couldn't help but shift about an inch away from the Faunus, worried that being together is driving her insane so she quickly picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(We're Being Watched)**

_Fade in on Doc/O'Malley behind a turret._

**O'Malley** : Yeeees, this place is coming along nicely. Excellent work repairing the turrets, Lopez.

"How the-HE'S JUST A FUCKING HEAD! HOW THE FUCKIN' HELL CAN LOPEZ DO ANYTHING!?" Weiss yelled out as she felt another migraine forming now (AN: jgresidentevil! Just that!).

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Thank you. I find manual labor stimulating.

 **Doc** : I still say a flowerbox would have been a bit more neighborly.

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up you fool!

 **Doc** : Hey, we should start a neighborhood association. It's just like a government, but run by housewives and old people. So it's a lot more efficient at controlling your lives.

Yang couldn't help but shiver at that sentence, 'Better left forgotten Yang. Better left forgotten.'

 **O'Malley** : Get out of my head!

 **Doc** : Technically it's my head. But I don't mind sharing. Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

"'Technically'? IT IS YOUR HEAD!" Yang exclaimed.

 **O'Malley** : Shut up!

_Cut to a strange Red soldier running toward ...something._

**Red Zealot** : At last! My pilgrimage is over! I have reached the promised land!

"Oh lord… one of  **those**  guys…" Blake groaned at the same time with Weiss, ' _And yet, you wish you were O'Malley then, didn't you?_ ' Her other self (AN: Suggest a name for this side of Blake) stated smugly. Blake could only groan, 'Ruby is definitely rubbing off on me…' Blake thought slightly panicked (AN: Wait, found it*. jgresidentevil everybody!)

 **O'Malley** : ( _running to the ledge, through the fan_ ) Who is that. Oh no. Not this buffoon! How did he get here?

"Dude, he was around when the bomb blew up." Yang said, "And I'm guess good ol' O'Malley is still traumatized from the little session with the Flag Addicts." Yang then started laughing at the memory of seeing O'Malley's torture while Blake & Weiss blushed for different reasons.

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  He probably was blown nearby by the bomb.

"Point for Yang on that one." Weiss commented on,

"We're taking points now? Just for getting something right?" Yang asked,

"Y-Yes, th-the s-sc-score sh-sh-sheet i-i-is o-on t-the t-t-t-table." Ruby said as the girls turned towards the table to see a clipboard with paper on it and Ruby's personal pen next to it. Yang picked it up hesitantly and looked at the scores,

"Ruby's last, I'm third, Blake's second and Weiss is winning." Weiss' eye twitched at the fact that she was  _winning_ , "Wait, there's more. How well one of us fit as a character in RvB. Ruby and… Simmons? What? I thought you were Caboose."

"W-W- Well, we-we're b-b-both w-we-wearing red a-and th-that w-we-were k-k-kinda n-n-nerds o-on s-s-some s-s-subjects a-an-and a-a-aren't v-v-very go-good a-around p-people." Ruby explained,

"Okay… anyway, Ruby and  _Simmons_  are kinda the same according to this. Blake isn't really close to Tex, I don't have a match yet and Weiss and Church are…" Suddenly, Yang burst into laughter, "OMG!"

"What?" Weiss asked,

"It says here you're the girl version of Church!" Again, Weiss' eye twitched at the fact that she was winning. While she was containing the urge to kill the blonde, Blake was in her own thoughts,

'How the hell did sh-ARGH! I! WILL! FIND! YOU! RUBY! ROSE!'

' _And have a fun time when we do, Pussy Cat._ ' Blake's Other said with a perverted giggle, causing Blake to blush before quickly sending a thought about Jaune's pajamas to her, ' _Oh, fuck you. Don't let me remind you what happened with Sun. He's so flexible~'_

"Oh shut up, you!" Blake muttered as she fought an even harder blush, not noticing the stares she was getting, 'I should  _really_  call him soon.' (AN: jgresidentevil! Wow you make a lot of good jokes).

 **O'Malley** : Hellooooo. What do you want?

"Shoot him. Shoot him now. I will pay you to shoot him now and get rid of the body. Leave the brain to me." Yang said as the girls slowly shifted away from the blonde.

 **Red Zealot** : The disembodied voice of God! ( _Kneels_ ) I hear you Holy One! I have made it to the temple and await your command!

"Ah shit," Blake muttered, "Having O'Malley as God is worse than Cabo-" Blake paused for a second, "You know, fuck that. Caboose as God is way worse than anything a human can think of." (AN: Thank you classicalass!)

 **O'Malley** : Up here- Helloooo. Red Moron. Eyes up, chop-chop!

 **Red Zealot** : Oh. Greetings! Are you the gatekeeper of the temple?

 **Doc** : Us? No, we just moved in. Can you help us move a couch? And do you know any good restaurants nearby?

Weiss only could face palm at the sentence, 'Yep, still regretting my life decisions.'

 **O'Malley** : Just a second. ( _To Doc_ ) Listen you fool, let me handle this.

 **Doc** : I don't know, you haven't been the best choice when it comes to making friends. Maybe I should try.

 **O'Malley** : Nonsense! With the proper handling, this fellow will make an excellent stooge. And I'm the one here with the most experience training Stooges. Isn't that right, Lopez...

 **Lopez** : Nyuk, nyuk.

"I love the Three Stooges." Weiss said off-handily, 'And I have two of them right here.' She mentally added in as she glanced at the Shot-Gauntlet Wielder and Ruby's bed, 'And the third Stooge is with the Amazon.'

 **O'Malley** : You see!?

 **Doc** : Okay, you can handle this, but I get to hang my motivational posters in the living room. Hang in there kitty!

"Doesn't that remind me of the time that I-"

"SHUT IT, YANG!" Blake interrupted, "It only happened that one time! ONE TIME!"

"And the time after that, and then the time after that, and  _then_ the time after  _that…_ "

"You're never going to let me live it down, are you?" Blake groaned,

"Until my death bed, Pussy Cat. Until my death bed."

 **O'Malley** : Fine. But I'm telling you that cat will never make it to Friday. ( _To courtyard_ ) Yes, I am the guardian of the temple. What do you want?

 **Red Zealot** : I have travelled great distances, in search of enlightenment!

"You get nothing but darkness and fuck yous!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **O'Malley** : Reaaally, that's perfect. We have tons of that in here, but listen. We just can't let anyone in who wants to get in, so goodbye.

 **Red Zealot** : Wait! I will do anything. Just tell me what I need to do to gain entrance.

"Go fuck yourself!" (Yang)

"Suicide." (Blake)

"T-Bag O'Malley again." (Weiss, because she had to admit it was pretty funny)

'What's a T-bag?' (Ruby. Both of them)

 **Doc** : Psst, ask him what he knows about gardening.

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Ask him if we can have his shoulders.

 **Doc** : Maybe he knows how to use that computer we found.

_The gate opens, in a very bizarre, unnecessarily cinematic graphical sequence._

"That was over dramatic." Blake said.

 **O'Malley** : Alright then come on in. We'll think of something, ( _evil laughter_ ) ( _more evil laughter_ ) ( _even more evil laughter_ ) ( _still more evil laughter_ )

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  Tone it down. You're going to blow it.

"If it means O'Malley shutting the fuck up, yes please." Blake muttered, getting a migraine from all the evil laughter, 'We had enough of it with Cinder Falls and Roman.'

 **O'Malley** : ( _yet again, more evil laughter_ )

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  OK, now that's just too much.

_In the distance, someone hides behind a pillar._

Blake's eyes narrowed, 'Someone's spying on O'Malley. Question is: Is it who I think it is.'

 **O'Malley** : What was that? ( _turning away slowly_ ) Hmm... ( _turning back quickly_ ) Aha! Heh? ( _turning away_ ) Hmm, a-ha! ...Minding my own business, slowly walking away and HAA, I got you! ( _turns around_ ) ...Oh forget it.

"Wow, great strategy there O'Malley." Yang said sarcastically,

"From an A.I corrupting an idiot to the worst super villain ever. Of all time." Weiss said that last part through gritted teeth, "Oh how the shitty mighty have fallen."

_Cut to Simmons and Grif walking by a convenient skull._

**Sarge** : Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

 **Simmons** : Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

"They crashed the Warthog, didn't they?" Blake groaned as Yang growled,

"Ch-Chu-Chupathingy." Ruby corrected.

 **Sarge** : Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

 **Grif** : Yeeaah, it's like this.

 **Sarge** : Grif... I just built that jeep, I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

"Me too." Yang growled as she cocked her gauntlets, causing the others to move away from her in case of an explosion.

 **Grif** : Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

 **Sarge** : Grif!

 **Simmons** : No no no it's not destroyed Sarge, the engine just quit.

RWB then gave a sigh of relief as they figured that maybe something went wrong in the engine and that it was Sarge's fault. They were thankful that Yang won't explode.

 **Sarge** : And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

 **Grif** : Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

Yang growled again as her hair got set on fire, while everyone else moved the hell away from the blonde.

 **Sarge** : What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

 **Grif** : Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's re-enacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever.

"I can forgive you for that." Yang said through gritted teeth,

"D-D-Does i-it ha-have t-t-to d-do w-w-with t-the fa-fact t-that y-you've d-done it t-too?" Ruby asked. Yang only blushed, remembering why she bought Moto-kun in the first place, 'I think I burnt all my arms back there.'

 **Sarge** : Rrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 **Grif** : Simmons was driving.

 **Simmons** : No I wasn't, I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

"You know, one day they're going to kill themselves. And that day is very soon." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to the three of them looking at the jeep._

**Sarge** : Wait a second, this thing isn't busted, it's just outta gas.

"Wait, where did he get gas? In an apocalypse?" Yang asked,

 **Grif** : It runs on gas?

 **Sarge** : Of course not moron, where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

"Oh… shit." Yang groaned.

 **Simmons** : So then why is it dead, sir?

 **Sarge** : You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

 **Grif** : Well I can tell you what we weren't doing...

"Just shut the fuck up Grif." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : Ah, forget it. Come on, help me push this thing in the sunlight. One, two, three!

_Sarge and Simmons push the jeep, Grif faces the other way and doesn't help at all._

"Lazy asshole…" Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : Hurrrr...

 **Sarge** : Hurrrrniaaa.

 **Grif** : Hurr. Man this thing weighs a ton. Holy crap. Wowzers.

 **Simmons** (& RWBY): Dumbass.

"Who the fuck says 'Wowzers' these days?" Yang added in.

 **Grif** : Oh right.

_They all push it in to the sun._

**Sarge** : Hurrrr.

 **Grif** : Stupid jeep.

"Don't you dare call the Chupathingy stupid!" Yang said through gritted teeth as her teammates got buckets of water ready.

 **Sarge** : Grif, what happened to this fender?

 **Grif** : It was like that when we took it out!

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Weiss asked Blake,

"To be honest? I have no idea if it does." Blake answered, "I just thought of it right now." That sentence didn't give Weiss any more hope or comfort.

 **Sarge** : And where's the hubcap?

 **Grif** : Man, this neighborhood's really going to crap.

"G-G-Get r-re-ready." Ruby said as she saw her sister's hair getting set alight.

 **Sarge** : I gotta buy those in sets of four, numbnuts.

 **Simmons** : The jeep's getting power.

_The jeep gets power, just like Simmons predicted, and that same stupid song starts playing._

"FUCK THAT SONG!" Yang yelled out as she exploded, evaporating the water in the girl's buckets, "FUCK THE TWAT THAT FUCKING MADE THAT SONG! I'LL KICK HIS ARSE!"

"Oh shit!" Weiss yelled as she covered her eyes, "British Yang!"

"Uh… got it! Everybody SING!" Blake yelled, deciding for something a little Japanese. Cue another random musical number by RWB! (AN: I dare you to guess the song, the band and where it comes from)

 **Blake, Weiss & Ruby: **Yura yura to… yuganda sora e

Kimi no motto… e toned yu…ke

Konna ni mo… chikaku ni kanjiteru

Futatsu… no omoi…!

 **Blake:** Zutto suboa ni… ita kara…

Aita sukima… ookii sugite…

 **Weiss:** Namaiki na… kimi no sunao na henji…

"Mata na" ga sabishii…

 **Ruby:** Minarenai machi de naiteru nara

 **Ruby, Weiss & Blake: **Soba ni… inatkutemo… egao wa todoketai!

Yura yura to… yuganda sora e…

Kimi no motto e toned yu…ke

Konna ni mo… chikaku ni kanjiteru

Futatsu… no omoi…!

 **Ruby:** Hitori gake… no sofa…

Mannaka wo… tori atta ne…

 **Blake:** Itsuma demo… muki ate iru tame ni

Futari wa ganbareru…

 **Weiss:** Miageta yozora wa… kumoga harete…

 **Weiss, Blake & Ruby: **Yume ni… mukatteru… hitomi wa kawaranai!

Kira kira to… kagayaku hoshi wa…

Ima mo kimi wo treashiteru…

Deatta hi to… kawarunu sora no shita

Hitotsu no chikai…!

 **Ruby & Weiss: **Hanasu toki ni kami wo…

 **Ruby & Blake: **Sawaru kuse ga utsutteriru…

 **Blake & Weiss: **Hitori kiri de nemuru… mune no…

 **Ruby, Weiss & Blake: **Itami sae… kitto… kizuna…!

_(Ruby guitar solo! And yes, she did find a guitar and an amp before anyone noticed)_

**Blake, Weiss & Ruby: **Yura yura to… yuganda sora e…

Kimi no motto… e toned yu…ke

Konna ni mo… chikaku ni kanjiteru

Futatsu… no omoi…!

Kira kira to… kagayaku hoshi wa…

Ima mo kimi wo treashi…teru…

Deatta hi to… kawarunu sora no shita

Hitotsu no chikai…!

"When did you learn Japanese, Weiss?" Yang asked as she calmed down,

"When you've heard the song more than a few times, you kinda get the lyrics down." Weiss answered as she sat back down on her chair,

"Can we just keep watching?" Blake said as she grabbed the remote and un-paused the video.

 **Sarge** : Turn that crap off.

_Music stops, radio sounds are heard._

**Tex** : ( _over the radio_ ) Come in, does anyone hear me? Over.

"TEX!?" The RWBYs yelled out,

"I was right, it was Tex who was spying on O'Malley." Blake muttered. Suddenly, there was another point for Blake on the score sheet, *Growl* 'Ruby…'

 **Sarge** : What the, who's that?

 **Tex** : ( _over the radio_ ) This is Freelancer Tex, looking for anyone from the Blood Gulch Outposts, do you read. Over.

 **Grif** : It's that mean chick from the Blue Team.

 **Simmons** : Hang up on her.

 **Sarge** : Good idea.

"Not a good idea! A very bad idea!" Yang exclaimed,

"Why?" Blake asked,

"I don't know, I just wanted to say it." Weiss could only face palm at the blonde.

 **Tex** : ( _over the radio_ ) I have found O'Malley's base. I repeat, I have found O'Malley's base.

 **Sarge** : O'Malley? Son of a-

 **Simmons** : Where is she?

 **Tex** : ( _over the radio_ ) They seem to be holed up in some kind of a fortress. I'm not sure how I got here or how they built it, but if you can read this, I need you to get to me as fast as you can.

_Grif and Simmons talk over her transmission._

"Shut up and listen to her you idiots!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Grif** : Maybe we could use the radio to triangulate her position.

 **Simmons** : How? We only have one radio. We would need a third point to triangulate.

 **Grif** : Okay, well let's just pick a point between her and us.

"Is he serious? Someone please tell me he's not serious." Weiss said. The others only responded in silence. Weiss groaned.

 **Simmons** : What? That's not a triangle you idiot, that's a line!

 **Grif** : Right, a line that we'll follow straight to Tex! It's the perfect mathematical plan!

'I want to punch him. I honestly want to punch him.' Weiss thought annoyed as her hands turned into a fist (AN: Iron-Mantis everyone!)

 **Simmons** : Hey Grif, why don't you just stick to criticizing other people's ideas, instead of coming up with your own.

 **Grif** : It does seem to be my talent.

"Your only talent." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : I could simulate a third radio by using some of this sand, and the heat from the jeep's tailpipe to make an enormous refractory lens. And then-

 **Grif** : Or we could just listen to the coordinates she's sending.

 **Tex** : ( _over the radio_ ) My coordinates are two two niner delta, by one point three seven gamma.

"I don't understand the coordinates." Yang said while scratching her head,

"You're not supposed to. Codes like Delta or Gamma are used to hide coordinates from the enemy." Blake explained.

_They talk over her again._

**Simmons** : Uh yeah, we could do that too. ...What's wrong Sarge?

 **Sarge** : ( _sigh_ ) Nothing.

 **Simmons** : You really wanted to make the lens, didn't you?

 **Sarge** : You're damn right!

"Y-Y-You k-know I-I w-wo-wouldn't m-m-mind se-seeing one." Ruby said,

'Then she should've been with me a few years ago.' Weiss thought as she remembered what the Schnee Scientist tested. It was never tested again due to burning a hole into the Main House… and into someone's eye. He went blind. Though, she heard that they were using it for something else before she left for Beacon.

 **Simmons** : Well we can make it later, when we have more time.

 **Sarge** : Awwww, don't patronize me.

 **Tex** : ( _over the radio_ ) I need you guys to come right away. Or better yet, send someone who can fight.

"So Tex wants the Reds & Blues to assault a base with turrets and possibly traps if O'Malley really is a stereotypical villain." Yang deadpanned, "They're fucked."

"But there's only that Red guy from Battle Creek and Lopez, who has no body I may add, defending the place." Weiss pointed out,

"But then again, they are the Reds & Blues." Blake said. They thought for a moment before Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(It's a Biological Fact)**

_Fade in on the Boys and Tex outside O'malley's base near the Warthog._

**Tex** : What took you guys so long to get here?

"T-There i-i-is o-o-only o-one c-car w-with t-thr-three se-seats." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons** : There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

The RWBYs groaned as they knew something from our favourite sexually ambiguous pink soldier was coming.

 **Donut** : It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

"Don't you dare say anything!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Grif** : Hugh, please, let's not tell the story.

"Better left unsaid." Yang added in, agreeing with the Lazy Orange & her snow white teammate,

"Y-Yep." Ruby muttered from her hiding place, wherever that was. Blake only blushed, somewhat curious about the story (AN: Again, jgresidentevil everybody!)

 **Grif:** Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

 **Sarge** : What you find, Tex?

 **Tex** : Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now, and he's got some help, one of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

 **Caboose** : Oh, I like them. They were funny.

 **Tucker** : Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a flag.

"News alert! So did you to the Reds!" Yang said, "No wait, that was only Church. Wow, I just realized that Church is the only one taking the war seriously."

"No kidding…" Blake muttered as she was reminded of a certain Red Leader.

 **Caboose** : I try not to remember the bad things about people.

 **Tucker** : That's all they tried to do, there were no good things.

 **Caboose** : That's okay. I have a really bad memory-wow look, a beach!

"Really kinda wish O'Malley was still possessing Caboose." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : Shut up Caboose. What's yer plan, Tex?

_As Tex explains her plan, we see a nice, majestic, panoramic view of O'Malley's base, like it's a movie or some shit like that._

**Tex** : Well first we have to breach the outer wall.

 **Caboose** : Oh. I love breaching!

 **Tex** : Then, we have to get past another wall.

 **Grif** : Two walls? Some people are so materialistic.

 **Tex** : The second wall has a guard tower, and an enormous razor-sharp spinning blade.

 **Simmons** : What that thing? It's spinning like two miles an hour.

"I think it's a windmill or something." Blake muttered, "A very shitty one at best."

 **Tex** : I didn't say it'd be hard to get past. After that, we have to pass the gun turrets, and break in to the building.

 **Sarge** : And then we attack O'Malley.

 **Tex** : No. That's when we plant, this.

 **Caboose** : ...We're planting a volleyball.

 **Tex** : It's not a ball, it's a bomb.

"A bomb, because the last one went ssssssooooo well." Yang said sarcastically.

 **Caboose** : We're planting a volley bomb?

 **Tex** : I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.

"Wait, WHAT!?" The RWBYs yelled out in disbelief, 'There goes the last sane person in Blood Gulch.'

 **Tucker** : You scouted it.

 **Tex** : Yeah.

 **Tucker** : If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?

"That's actually a good point." Blake said as her eyes narrowed, "Why didn't she do that? It's a little bit out of character for Tex."

 **Tex** : ...I can't carry it.

 **Grif** : What?

 **Simmons** : What was that?

 **Tex** : It's too heavy, okay? You happy?

 **Grif** : Yeah kinda.

"Once again, Sarge's handy work, people!" Yang said, figuring out that Sarge didn't want the Blues to have a super strong robot against them.

 **Tex** : I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

 **Grif** : See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call.

 **Tex** : ...

The RWBYs were with Tex (Ruby begrudgingly), as they didn't say anything except glare at the Orange soldier, with their Auras flaring up.

**(Meanwhile in an unknown place/dimension)**

*Shiver* "Why do I have the feeling that I'm going to die?"

"Shut up numbnuts and watch the god damn movie! Oh! That does not look pretty! I like it!"

**(Back to Beacon and your regular reading of React Watch Believe Yikes)**

**Grif** : Please don't kill me.

 **Sarge** : ( _walking to the volley bomb_ ) Ahh, go ahead and kill him. We could use the armor for spare parts. Here, this thing doesn't look so heavy, let me t-yooo that thing ain't movin'!

 **Caboose** : I can carry it.

 **Tex** : I guarantee you'll need two people.

 **Tucker** : No it's true, he's got crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

"Then God is one messed up son of a bitch." Yang muttered, 'You know that reminds me, I should break out Cards Against Humanity one day.'

 **Caboose** : ( _lifting the bomb_ ) See...

 **Sarge** : Great Paul's Bunyan, he's like an ox.

 **Caboose** : But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

 **Grif** : Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it a-

_Caboose hands over the bomb to Grif, who promptly drops it, making the screen shake_

"I bet I can lift it myself." Yang stated a bit smugly.

 **Grif** : Wheaugh! Hugh. Okay, you can carry it.

 **Sarge** : Alright, then we'll storm in there, blow up O'Malley, leave Grif for dead, and maybe find some clues about what happened to Church and Lopez.

 **Tex** : You mean your robot? He's in there with him.

 **Sarge** : Lopez is in the building?

"Some of him at least." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to the Lopez head and Doc/O'Malley/Baron Von Evil Satan._

**Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  That red guy is really starting to get on my nerves.

"Any Red can get on your nerves!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Doc** : He keeps asking me if I've accepted the flag as my savior. I'm just not comfortable talking about religion in the workplace.

 **O'Malley** : Oh no, here he comes.

 **Red Zealot** : Master, Headmaster, I have finished the duties you assigned me.

 **O'Malley** : You polished all the curtains?

 **Red Zealot** : Yes! And the ammunition too! It was like cleaning the impurities from my very essence!

"What's the point for polishing bullets?" Blake asked rhetorically as she face palmed.

 **O'Malley** : What about the evil windmill?

 **Red Zealot** : I greased the engine and filled it with gas. It was like giving my own soul a tune-up!

 **O'Malley** : Yes yes, alright fine. Why don't you see about patching up some of these holes in the walls? I think there's some sinister spackle in the tool shed.

"Does he really have to have evil adjectives?" Weiss asked.

 **Red Zealot** : Excellent idea, Sir. It will probably help keep out that crowd of people that's been gathering on the beach.

 **O'Malley** : Yes of course, all the people on the beach, blah blah blah blah blah. Wait. What did he say?

_Cut back to Tex and everyone else, with Donut fucking around in the jeep._

"Don't you fuck with the jeep, Donut." Yang growled,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T FUCK WITH THE JEEP!' RWB thought.

 **Tex** : Wait let me get this straight. The biggest threat we know of is in that building, and you don't want me to blow it up?

 **Simmons** : We can't, we need Lopez's head. It has valuable information stored in it.

"Information that is effective as Sarge's plans." Blake muttered to herself.

 **Tex** : Sorry, I'm going with the bomb. But hey, here's an idea, maybe you could find your buddy's head in the rubble when we're done.

 **Grif** : Come on, we can't lift a bomb but we can dig through rubble?

 **Tex** : Sorry, but there is no way I'm letting O'Malley get away this time.

 **Tucker** : Just hire her.

 **Grif** : What?

"S-Sh-Shit, w-w-we fo-for-for-forgot that T-T-T-Tex i-i-is a-a m-me-merc s-s-s-so sh-she'll d-d-do a-a—any-anything th-thi-thing f-f-for m-m-money." Ruby said, 'M-M-Maybe sh-she r-r-ran ou-out o-of me-men t-t-to m-mo-mooch o-of-o-off of.'

 **Tucker** : Hire her to help you get Lopez back. She'll do anything for money.

 **Tex** : That's not true.

 **Tucker** : It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.

 **Tex** : Which one's Grif?

"She's quick to respond." Blake stated, still disgusted at Tex's mind set.

 **Tucker** : See, she's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come help us.

 **Grif** : ( _pointing at Simmons_ ) He's Grif.

 **Simmons** : How do we pay her, we don't even have any money. We don't even know what money is in the future.

 **Grif** : Yeah, they could have shells, or laser beams for currency.

'I am seriously tempted to maim him.' Weiss thought angrily.

 **Simmons** : Laser beams?

 **Grif** : Hyeah. That would be the coolest wallet ever.

"That could blind/kill you when you open it." Blake muttered.

 **Tucker** : Why don't you trade her a favour?

 **Grif** : Huh?

 **Tucker** : Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favour. That's how these Freelancers get stuff done, right?

 **Tex** : That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.

 **Simmons** : Okay, we'll do it.

 **Grif** : Wait just a second. What would we have to do...

 **Tex** : It all depends.

 **Grif** : Depends on what.

 **Tex** : Onnn, what I need. To do some future job.

 **Grif** : But, it could be anything.

 **Tex** : That's right, anything.

 **Grif** : ... ... ...Like gay stuff?

' _Please let it be gay stuff!'_

'Shut. The Fuck. Up.'

 **Tex** : I have no idea.

 **Grif** : Well can we rule out the gay stuff?

 **Donut** : Hey, how come I never get to help?

"Not even going to comment." Weiss said, flat out, 'Too easy.'

_Cut to Caboose holding the bomb in front of Sarge, for no particular reason._

**Sarge** : No, no, what're you doin'? Don't lift with your legs, your back's the strongest muscle in your body. And look man, your knees aren't even locked, how do you expect to stand up straight? Come on, put your groin in to it. And stop exhaling on every lift. The goal is to hold your breath as long as possible. Under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs. Herrrr. Groin it out.

 **Caboose** : Can't I just pick this up when we are ready to go?

"The smartest thing Caboose has ever said, people!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

_Caboose drops the bomb, and the screen shakes._

**Caboose** : Ahhhh...

 **Tex** : Okay, we're ready to go!

 **Caboose** : Crap.

The RWBYs stayed quiet and stretched so they could get prepared for the next round of episodes, "So… anyone want nachos?" Yang asked,

"Why not?" Weiss answered. She never had nachos before,

"I could go for some." Blake said, pretty hungry,

"Al-Al-Already d-d-done." Ruby said. Suddenly, a bowl full of Mexican flavored chips with cheddar melted over it appeared out of nowhere, "Wh-Wh-What's w-wrong B-Bl-B-Blake?"

"Nothing." Blake answered with barely restrained rage in her voice, "I just need to burn off some energy." She said as she walked out of the room. The others didn't know that Blake would spend the next hour in Forever Fall.

Where all Ursa shall feel her wrath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	24. Ninja vs Ninja! The Ultimate Ninja Showdown for the Title of Ultimate Ninja, Ninja Style! Ninjas! (Heavy Metal, Roaming Charges, Silver Linings)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth!
> 
> Load Game... Start!

During their time at Beacon, the team consisting of Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang have been called by many different names, as well as getting named individually. Ruby was officially called the Chibi-Grimm Reaper, Weiss was the Ice Queen from Dust and Yang was known as the Angel with a Shotgun. Blake barely took note of the names she's been called, mostly because of what they called her during when she was in the White Fang and a little now and then since her secret was out.

Thief.

Killer.

Liar.

Degenerate.

Psycho.

Heartless.

Beast.

Animal.

Monster.

 _Grimm by another name_.

Pussy Cat.

Each one hurt her somewhere she didn't want to say or show. But every person had to agree with one name.

Kage no Kami. The God of Shadows.

She wondered why she was given this generous name by the other students but she didn't care. She was actually… happy with the name. It fit her so perfectly. Hell, if she had an Aura Mode, she'd probably be able to use shadows to her advantage and max out her stealth to the point where she wasn't even there to begin with.

So why is Ruby taking that title away from her?

She knew she wasn't doing it on purpose. She tried to not to, oh how she tried, but she couldn't escape it. She was jealous. She was never jealous. And not just jealous, she was literally dripping with jealousy, and maybe some blood and maybe a few bits of guts here and in her hair. She knew right then and there as she was brutally destroying her 18th Ursa that she was the jealous type. And she was not going to be outdone by this, this, "Stealth Bitch." She said through gritted teeth as she smashed another skull into a tree after using it like a mace, spattering the brain that was still in the skull, "If she wants to play dirty, let's play dirty."

' _Oh… I like the sound of that, Pussy Cat._ ' Her other self, after years of putting it off, Noire sang out (AN: Autistic-Grizzly & neogoki for the name!), ' _I like it. C'mon me! Get mean!_ '

"Yeah."

' _Get angry!_ '

"Yeah!"

' _You don't making fucking lemons; you make motherfucking lemon grenades and burn her motherfucking house down!_ '

"I wouldn't go that far but YEAH!"

' _ARE YOU PUMPED AND READY!?_ '

"FUCK YEAH I'M PUMPED!"

' _NOW GET OUT THERE AND FLUSH HER ASSHOLE WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!_ '

"YE-Wait, what did you say?"

' _FLUSH HER OUT!_ '

"Oh, I thought… oh, okay. Anyway, YEAH!"

' _TO MOTHER! FUCKING! BATTLE! Also you really need to get a bit dirty with her so I can update your porn file for next week_.'

"YE-Wait, what?"

**(At RWBY's dorm…)**

"It's not going to work, Yang." Weiss groaned again the 3rd time this hour, "You've already tried that  _5 times_ already."

"I've got nothing else, alright!" Yang yelled as she slammed a plate of cookies and milk into the table. It was packed full of Dr-WOW-zee!TM, just enough to put Ruby in a coma for the next month, or a few hours in Yang's case. Yang didn't know that though since it was the only stuff that could bring her a good night's sleep when she's around Ruby… and herself. She just wanted to see her sister in the flesh. Anyway, when Ruby  **somehow** ate  _around_ the drugs in the cookies and throw the milk away while Yang was crying in Weiss' shoulder (which she reluctantly gave), the door burst open, stopping the girls in their tracks.

And their jaws dropped.

Right in the doorway was a woman in all black. She had high-heel combat boots and cargo pants tucked into them. She was also wearing a turtleneck with her midriff out in the open, more than Yang since the sweater stopped right under her breast. She also wore fingerless gloves with black metal plating on the back of her hands. The girls looked up her body as they finally reached the head, seeing long, pitch black hair tied up into a pony tail with her cat ears clearly visible on her head. Her bow was now her headband. She also had a black courier bag to match with the look, almost bulging with many items that no one could even use.

This is Blake Daisy Belladonna. She is the God of Shadows. And she is looking for Ruby Rose (AN: This change is based on neogoki's review!).

Save Game… Quit!

' _Not. Today._ '

'Shut up.' Blake thought as she strutted into the room as badass as she could, "Hello, Yang. Hello Weiss. Ruby."

"B-Blake?" Yang asked, "What. The fuck?"

"Oh my God…" Weiss muttered as looked at the cat girl, "What's with the change of look?" Blake only leaned and whispered,

"I'm beating Ruby at her own game." And then she disappeared. With Weiss & Yang only visible, they quickly looked around to try and find the hidden girls, but to no avail,

"You've gotta be kidding me." Weiss muttered, "We have to deal with two disembodied voices now, aren't we?"

"Don't act so surprised." Blake's disembodied voice said, "You saw this coming."

"No I-Actually, now that I think about it, I kinda did." Next thing she knew, another point was added to the score, "Fuck!" She then heard Blake growl,

"I. Will. Find you, Ruby Rose." She growled as she reached into her bag, "Even if it's the last thing I do." Ruby couldn't help but whimper but she tried to make as a determined face as she possibly could (and that was an achievement for her),

"Br-B-Bring i-i-t o-on, b-b-bi-bitch!" Ruby yelled out before quietly saying, "S-Sorry…"

"Game on, my friend." Blake said with a smirk. While this was happening, Weiss and Yang were slowly reaching for the remote, hoping that more Red vs Blue might hold off the on-coming Ninja War, "Game on."

"Uh… should we watch a bit more Red vs Blue before everyone dies in this room?" Yang asked weakly. Ruby & Blake looked at the two visible girls before looking at random directions, hoping it was their opponent, "Please?"

"Alright." They say at the same time. The two girls in the light sighed in relief as they got settled in their chairs, 'Get comfortable, dear Ruby. Because you won't be there much longer.'

'I-I-I'm sc-s-sc-sca-scared.' Ninja Ruby thought,

'M-Me too.' Real Ruby thought as well, with Ninja Ruby still wondering who was talking,

"Hurry up and play the episode." Yang said, suddenly having the feeling that this day won't end well. Weiss had that feeling too so she grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Heavy Metal)**

_Sarge talking to various dirtbags._

**Sarge** : Okay, listen up dirtbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I have got two options we can use.

"Oh, this will  _not_ end well." Yang said as she groaned.

_Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Sarge's plan._

**Sarge** : Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.

The RWBYs then proceeded to face palm, "That plan is so stupid." Weiss muttered, "They're gonna get mowed down like Fu-animals." Weiss had to berate herself. She still had a grudge against Faunuses. Or was it Fauni? Faunus meaning a plural? 'Stupid teachers not making me more smarter at English.'

"B-B-But di-didn't y-y-you s-s-su-suggest that a-at t-the A-Atlas-"

"Ruby!" The girls yelled out in unison,

"R-Ri-R-Right."

_Cut back to Sarge and the dirtbags._

**Tucker** : Oh yeah right, they're not gonna get surprised, they're just gonna start mowing us down.

 **Sarge** : That's the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

"W-W-Wouldn't i-it ma-make m-more se-sense i-if Ca-Ca-Caboose w-w-was i-in t-the ba-back?" Ruby asked, "Th-That wa-way, i-i-it de-decreases t-the ch-chances th-tha-that a b-bu-bullet w-w-will h-h-hit th-the b-b-bomb a-a-and ki-kill e-eve-everyone."

"That… actually makes sense." Blake muttered, not noticing that Yang & Weiss were disturbed by the fact that they didn't care about the soldiers surviving in a sense. They then noticed that the shadows around the room had become bigger so they didn't take any chances and moved away from the shadows.

 **Simmons** : Don't you think Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?

 **Sarge** : Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

"When everyone is dying, I'm sure it's failing." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker** : How're you gonna know if it's not working?

 **Sarge** : If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.

"Great plan there." Weiss muttered sarcastically.

 **Caboose** : ( _holding the bomb_ ) I think that's a good plan.

 **Grif** : Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

"Wait for it…" Weiss said. She knew what was going to happen but she couldn't resist.

 **Sarge** : Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

_Cut to a black and white re-enactment of Grif's lifeless corpse riding up on the windmill._

**Grif's lifeless corpse** : Bleah!

Weiss sighed as she saw her score increase, "God damn it."

"You really want to win by Season 10, don't you?" Yang joked, "Don't worry, if we get around to it, we'll watch Season 11 & 12 to help further your lead." When Yang saw the cover and saw the BIG FUCKING ROBOT behind the Red and Blue soldiers, she spent a good few hours in the bathroom. She still wondered why there were yellow accents on the Blue though.

_Cut back to Sarge addressing the audience._

**Sarge** : I think we can all agree given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.

_Nobody responds… cockbites_

**Sarge** : Okay, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the Warthog-

The girls suddenly heard 100 Beowulves growl angrily as Yang's hair started shrinking some shadows, forcing Blake to go deeper, ' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ '

'Shut up!'

 **Grif** : ( _to Tex_ ) I'm hoping you've got a better idea.

 **Sarge** : ( _under Grif's line_ ) We build what I like to call "the Grif Cannon."

"Fuck. That." Yang growled, "I WANT A SARGE-ZOOKA!"

 **Grif** : Hoh man...

 **Sarge** : Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall. ...Or we paint it a very disgusting color.

"Tr-Tr-Tried th-that o-on-once. It fa-fai-failed." Ruby muttered, "T-T-Too g-g-gaudy."

_Cut to O'Malley ranting about something._

**O'Malley** : Hahaha, fools. They don't stand a chance against us, hahaha. Do they men?

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  No. We will crush them.

"If you could count a bodiless robot and a Flag Worshipping idiot with infinite respawns as your army, sure, you'll definitely crush them to dust." Weiss said.

 **Red Zealot** : The Flag is on our side. We will be victorious!

 **O'Malley** : Stupendous! To your battle stations, on to crushing victory! The fools don't stand a chance against our might! Muahahaa.

 **Red Zealot and Lopez** : ...

 **O'Malley** : What're you still doing there?

 **Red Zealot** : I forget. Which battle station is mine? I'm still learning my way around the fortress.

 **Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  I need someone to carry me. I have no torso.

And again, Weiss face palmed at the stupidity of the so-called antagonist of the series, "Seriously, worst. Villain. Ever."

"Of all time." The others added in. Suddenly, everyone shuddered, 'Why do I have the feeling that I'm ripping someone off?' Weiss thought, 'My father does that for a living.'

_Cut to Sarge on a ramp, talking over radio sounds for a bit._

**Sarge** : Okay, is everyone ready? Donut, Caboose and I will move the bomb down the staircase and along the left side of the base.

 **Caboose** : ( _holding the bomb and talking as if he's in labor_ ) Please hurry, I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.

"He sounds like he's in labor." Yang said as she grimaced,

"Wh-W-What's la-labor?" Ruby asked,

"U-Uh… working! That's right! Working!" Yang quickly answered.

 **Donut** : Man that does look heavy. You really should consider wearing some kind of supportive undergarment.

"Oh lord." Weiss muttered as she prepared for what's coming.

 **Caboose** : U-no thanks. I can do it.

 **Donut** : Come on now, don't be shy. You can borrow one of mine! I'm thinking something with lace. Lace is totally in right now!

' _Well, it is._ ' Noire said knowingly, ' _You have a bunch of it under those clothes of yours Pussy Cat._ '

"Still can't believe you talked me into wearing them." Blake muttered quietly, hoping that no one heard. She was wrong.

_Cut to a random sniper rifle._

**Tucker** : Ooh, sniper rifle!

 **Tex** : ( _taking it_ ) I got it.

 **Tucker** : Fuck.

Ruby couldn't help but feel jealous right then and there. She read on the Halo wiki that their Sniper Rifles zoomed in, and she was still trying to find a way to do that without modifying the scope. She couldn't remember why but she was determined to.

_Cut to Simmons and Grif doing something._

**Simmons** : Copy that Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, you and the two bullet magnets move up the right side and try to cause some kind of distraction.

 **Simmons** : Any suggestions?

"Maybe shooting at them?" Weiss suggested.

 **Sarge** : As long as it draws their fire away from us and towards you I don't care.

 **Donut** : Try some dance moves! Oh! You could do a musical number!

The RWBYs shivered at the thought, 'The horror that will happen if there really is a Donut Musical.' They thought.

(Team JNPR)

Somewhere out there, the JNPRs shivered, "You know, I found this song and I never listened to it. Wanna hear it?" Jaune asked,

"Sure, why not?" Pyhrra said. And thus, they spent the next hour listening to Donut: the Musical.

(Team RWBY)

'Why do I feel like we jinxed it?' Blake thought.

 **Sarge** : Get off the radio, Donut!

 **Simmons** : Alright, looks like we're on our own guys. Tex, how does it look from up there?

_Pans up to Tex who's actually in a reasonable tactical position._

**Tex** : I don't see any movement... but the guns are definitely online.

 **Tucker** : You know what, I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

"I kinda miss the old days when weren't yelling at a TV." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : It's okay. We hate you too man.

 **Sarge** : Okay, let's move out!

_Cut to O'Malley looking down on them from his high vantage point in the Fortress! Of! EVIL! And asbestos._

**O'Malley** : Huhah, here they come. Get ready.

_Cut to The Red Zealot taking up one of the turrets._

**Red Zealot** : Prepare to be cleansed, infidels!

_Cut to Lopez's head on the other turret._

**Lopez** :  _(Spanish)_  I will not let them cross the border.

"Like he can use a fucking turret." Blake said, "He's just a head."

"But remember, Pussy Cat, we have seen the physically impossible." Yang pointed out, still pissed that she doesn't know how to skull fuck someone.

_Cut to Simmons and the bullet magnets in a cave or something._

**Simmons** : Alright, so far so good. Sarge, we are in position.

_Cut to Sarge in front of a sign that says Camp Froman._

**Sarge** : Roger that. We are also in position. No sign of the enemy.

"That's because there are only 3 guys in the entire base!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Donut** : Mahan, this is the easiest fortress invading mission, of all time.

"Oh god damn it! FUCK!" Weiss yelled out, "FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!" She then jumped off her chair and walked out of the room and spent a few minutes yelling about 'Ripping off Donut' and bullshit like that until she came back with gritted teeth,

"Definitely acting like Church." Yang muttered, cuing Ruby to quickly adding a point to the Same Character score.

 **Caboose** : Maybe for you, this thing is heavy, for me. ( _Drops the bomb_ )

_As Caboose drops the enormously heavy bomb, drawing the Red Zealot's attention._

"That's bad." Yang stated.

 **Sarge** : Careful with that thing, Caboose!

 **Donut** : Uh... Sarge?

 **Sarge** : You could blow us all to smithereens!

 **Donut** : Sarge, I'm pretty sure that guy up there with the gun, sees us.

 **Sarge** : You wanna blow people to smithereens, at least make sure Grif is nearby.

"How about chunks of meat full of holes?" Blake said.

 **Donut** : Duck!

_Red Zealot opens fire._

**Sarge** : What the-?

 **Caboose** : A duck? Where? I love ducks.

 **Sarge** : Get down, idiot.

_Cut to Lopez somehow firing on the bullet magnets._

"Wha-Ho-HUH!? That doesn't even make any sense!" Weiss exclaimed,

"I told you about the physically impossible." Yang said,

"SHUT UP! It just, it just…" Then Weiss flopped back into her chair, "I give up."

"I-I-I th-thi-think W-W-Weiss i-is br-bro-broken." Ruby said as an icepack appeared on Weiss' head, causing Blake to smile, 'Just a few more and I can find her location.'

 **Grif** : We're under fire, Sarge we're under fire!

 **Sarge** : Good! Now jump up and draw them off.

 **Tucker** : What'd he say?

 **Grif** : He was breaking up. I think he said something about staying here, and not doing anything risky.

"Lazy bastard." Blake muttered,

"C-C-Can y-you bl-b-blame hi-h-him?" Ruby said, "H-He'd g-ge-get s-sla-sl-slaughtered."

 **Simmons** : Tex, see what you can do about that gun!

 **Tex** : You got it.

_Tex shoots the Lopez head off his gun._

**Tex** : Hyeah, headshot!

"That's the only thing you can hit." Weiss said, hiding the urge to exclaimed, "BOOM, HEADSHOT BITCH!" (AN: classicalass everyone!)

 **Grif** : Nice shooting, Tex.

 **Simmons** : Tucker. You and Tex head up across that bridge. Try to take out that other turret. We'll head in to the base and see if we can find O'Malley.

 **Tucker** : Why do I have to go up against a machine gun, and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

 **Simmons** : The guy we're seeking has a rocket launcher.

"More hide, seek and die." Yang said, "Very popular at Sanctum last time I heard."

 **Tucker** : Oh, right. Uh, have fun doing that.

_Cut to Sarge and co._

**Sarge** : Caboose, we'll hold them off from up here. You take the bomb and try to sneak in the front of the base.

 **Caboose** : Okay.

 **Donut** : Wow, Sarge. You actually decided to sacrifice yourself for someone else!

"I'm not even going to say it." Weiss muttered as she glared at the score sheet, seeing that she got another point.

 **Sarge** : Quiet Donut! I'm gonna need your help. When the turrets kill Caboose, I'm gonna need you to carry the bomb in to the base.

"Kinda expected that." Blake said. She gained a half point on her score.

_Cut to Tex and Tucker at the big windmill thing._

**Tex** : I can't see him from here. Let's move out. ( _Runs across the fan_ )

 **Tucker** : Okay, but jus- ( _falls down behind the fan_ ) Whoahoa! Ah!

"How can he miss that!?" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Tex** : Tucker! Are you okay?

 **Tucker** : Yeah I'm okay, I dropped down in to some kind of hole.

"Oh great, he isn't Tucker anymore." Yang said as she rubbed her forehead,

"Who is he then? Edgar?" Blake joked, referencing Weiss' favourite teacher,

"Why not? After all, Edgar's the one in the hole." Suddenly, a plastic crown crashed through the window,

"You know the school's going to run out of windows soon." Weiss said as she went to get another window. While she did, Yang picked up the crown and saw a note attached to it,

'The Mad King Approves. March on Yang Xiao Long.'

Yang looked out the window to see who kept throwing crap through the window before shrugging and putting on the crown, "Where does this stuff come from?" Weiss asked as she used some Fire Dust to fit the window in place, "Better yet, who the fuck keeps throwing these through our window!?" Suddenly, a laptop crashed through the window. Weiss raised an eyebrow and opened it up to see that 1) Had no internet connection and 2) A Note.

'You don't want to know how.

-U & H (AN: From Autistic-Grizzly!)'

 **Tucker:** Can you give me a hand?

 **Tex** : Oh. Let me take out this turret. I'll be back for you later.

'Betraying Bitch!' The Rubies yelled out in their mind.

 **Tucker** : What is that? Hoaho, what the hell is this?

_Cut to Simmons and Grif at the other giant fan thingy._

**Simmons** : Okay Grif, we just need to jump through here.

 **Grif** : Okay, go for it.

 **Simmons** : Me? Why me first?

 **Grif** : Because, I don't wanna die?

"Aw, are you scwared of the bwig fan bwade going two miles an hour?" Yang said in a cutesy voice.

 **Simmons** : But this thing's moving super slow. See?

_Ten seconds later the fan blade goes by, complete with huge WHOOSH sound._

"God that is slow." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : Nice knowing you Simmons.

"I hope you get hit by the blade!" Weiss called out.

_Cut to Sarge._

**Sarge** : No, shoot the guy with the bomb! You're ruining the plan!

"Yeah, blow up the guy with the bomb and set it off! Great strategy!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Tex** : I'm pinned down, I need assistance!

 **Tucker** : ( _arriving next to the Red Zealot_ ) Hey asshole. ( _Flips out some glowing blade thing_ )

 **Red Zealot** : Heuh?

_Tucker steps forward and slices the Red Zealot in the groin, sending him flying off the base to land on the ground below, on his face._

"HOLY #$&?~*$# %#$*& IN MY CLUNGE!" Yang yelled out with a word too horrible to write, "Did  _not_ see that one coming!"

"Oh my God, Yang!" Weiss yelled, "That has to be the filthiest word I've ever heard!" She scolded until she crossed her arms, "I'm impressed."

"How… do you even spell that?" Blake asked as she scratched her head. All she could make out was a 'Z'. Or was it a 'Q'? ' _I may like dirty talk but even for me it's too far._ '

"I think Ruby knows how to spell it…" Yang muttered, "Right Ruby?" No response, "Ruby?" Still no response, "Ruby?" This time she did get a response.

Too bad the table had to suffer.

"FUCK! A! DUCK!" Yang yelled out as she saw (yes,  _saw_ ) her sister crash through the table, "RUBY!" There was a silence as they looked at the unconscious red cloaked ninja. Instead of seeing if she was okay though, Blake had other ideas,

"GET HER!" The Faunus exclaimed as she jumped out of her hiding spot. Weiss' eyes widened before jumping from her seat too. The two rolled over the table and Blake proceeded to make sure she wouldn't escape, "You won't hide from me ever again! Why aren't you joining Yang? I thought you wanted to see your sister!"

"One, that's not Ruby." In Blake's head, you could hear the record in her head scratch to a halt as she looked down, 'Maybe I've shouldn't have done that.' Blake thought as she got off the Heiress, who now had white cat ears on her head, a white leash and collar and a white, fluffy tail. Oh, and she was growling like a lion,

"A tail?" Weiss growled as she grabbed the fake tail,

"To keep track of yo-I mean Ruby." Blake squeaked,

"A collar!?"

"To keep her from escaping, ya know?"

"Ears!?"

"That was just for fun and to fit with the tail and leash." 'And a little bit of revenge.'

"FUCKING WHISKERS!?"

"We-actually, no idea how those got there. They look nice."

' _You just dug your own grave._ '

'I know.' Blake thought as she saw Weiss slowly approaching her, "You'll see me next week!" Blake quickly said as she disappeared,

"I. Will. Find you, Blake Belladonna!" Weiss exclaimed, "Now, where's Ruby?"

"And that brings me to two." Yang said, "Ruby, are you okay?"

"Ye-Yes." Ruby stuttered, now even more scared of Blake & Weiss,

"B-Bu-But, sh-she was just there." The two said as they stared at the spot Ruby fainted at… then noticing something else,

"And three, the table's fixed." Yang said as the other two groaned. Blake was about to un-pause the video until she had an idea, 'If Ruby did what I think she did maybe…' She got giddy at the plan as she turned on her advanced sense of smell.

And immediately turned a sickly green.

"What's wrong, Blake?" Weiss asked as she heard the brunette groan,

"N-Nothing." Blake said she blushed while she was resisting the urge to vomit right then and there, ' _Wow, she's one fast daughter of a bitch. Did that sound offensive?_ '

'It's all over me… all over us…' (AN: A combination of reven228 & Halomaniac117's jokes!)

 **Red Zealot** : My quest is over... I can see the flag... It's so, flappy... Hegh-bleahhhh…

"Another dramatic death for a stupid idiot." Yang said.

 **Tex** : Hey, where'd you get that?

 **Tucker** : I dunno, I found it in the hole. Pretty cool. Look what I can do. ( _Swings it in the air_ )

 **Tex** : Hey, you wanna trade it for the sniper rifle?

 **Tucker** : No thanks, I'm good.

"You know she's going to steal it the first chance she gets." Blake said in a flat voice,

"Well, maybe it can be like a Keyblade." Yang said, getting Weiss' attention,

"Huh?" The Heiress wanted an explanation, even though she kinda knew the answer,

"You know, a sword that can only be wielded by it's wielder. The Wielder doesn't choose the weapon, the weapon chooses it's Wielder." Yang explained. To be honest, this wasn't new information to Weiss. She  _may_ have played Kingdom Hearts to 100% Completion once or twice… 13 times for each installment,

"How do you know all this?" Blake asked,

"Would you be surprised if I told you during her early days before she even thought of her Scy-ifle that she made every single Keyblade in each game just to improve her skill, and they worked?" There was a small silence before they all said 'No'.

_Cut to Caboose wandering around aimlessly._

**Caboose** : X. I'm looking for an X.  _(Shows the X Tex made)_ That, is a plus sign. Not an X. I need to find an X.

"Doesn't that remind me of something?" Blake muttered, remembering the first time they played Capture the Flag.

 **Church** : ( _from nowhere_ ) Hello? Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

 **Caboose** (& RWBY): Church?

"Oh my fucking God!" Yang exclaimed, "CHURCH IS TALKING TO CABOOSE THROUGH SPACE AND TIME!" This was met with another length of silence and some stares before Weiss spoke up,

"That has to be… the worst, illogical thing you've ever said, ever. Of all time. And beyond."

"New catchphrase?" Yang asked. Weiss only glared at her,

"Shut. Up." Weiss growled as she put her hand on Myrtenaster, "Or I'll freeze you in a block of ice and throw you off the cliff and hope you shatter into a million pieces AT THE BOTTOM OF EMERALD FOREST AND GET EATEN BY EVERY #$&?~*$# %#$*& GRIMM IN THE #$&?~*$# %#$*& FOREST!" Again, another silence was made. Now with added cricket chirping action,

"I-I-I ne-nev-ne-never he-heard i-i-it u-us-used li-l-like th-tha-that." Ruby said,

"Wh-What does it even mean?" Blake asked,

"You don't want to know." RWY quickly answered before Ruby picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Roaming Charges)**

_Fade in to Church in the past._

**Church** : Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?

_A wall raises, and Church moves past it to a computer._

**Computer** : Hello. you are early.

"Early? How does that computer know that?" Weiss asked as she became a bit suspicious.

 **Church** : Me?

 **Computer** : you are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years.

"Holy shit…" Yang said, "Almost 2000 years." As Yang was saying that, Real Ruby was tempted to build a bomb and see if time travel really worked if it happened.

_(Alternate Universe!)_

Standing in the rubble of what's left of Beacon were 4 girls, "Well, that didn't work." Ruby said as she giggled a little,

"I hate you Ruby. I truly do." Weiss said as she pulled herself out of what's left of the Teacher's Lounge,

"Oh c'mon Weiss. You know you love me after last night." Weiss only blushed,

"Yeah… kinda do."

_(The Real Universe!)_

'Probably a bad idea…' The Real Ruby thought, 'Wouldn't hurt to try it though.'

 **Church** : What is this place?

 **Computer** : This is the housing facility for the great weapon. I am the keeper of the great weapon. You are the great destroyer. You will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people. ...Welcome! How may I be of assistance?

"That is one friendly computer right there." Yang said, "Even in the face of death, it'll help."

"W-Wa-Wait, wh-wha-what d-did it sa-say a-ab-about Th-The G-Gre-Great W-We-Weapon?" Ruby asked.

 **Church** : What're you talking about?

 **Computer** : Your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy.

 **Church** : Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

 **Computer** : The great prophecy warns the great destroyer will be a blue being.

"But, Church is Cobalt." Blake pointed out, "The only Blue guy is… oh shit."

 **Church** : And you think that's me.

 **Computer** : The blue being will be known as the stupidest life form in the universe.

"Oh shit…" Weiss said, realizing who it is,

"You know, it kinda makes sense." Yang muttered,

"I-I-It's e-ei-either in-i-insulting o-or f-fe-fear br-bri-b-bringing." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence.

 **Computer** : Correct.

 **Church** : Oh crap.

_Text screen: 1,856 years in the future._

_Cut to unarmed Caboose._

**Caboose** : Mister Sergeant! Mister Sergeant! Come quick!

 **Sarge** : You'd better have a damn good reason for interrupting our search. Can't you see this is an extremely organized and highly motivated operation!

_Text screen: 2 minutes before that._

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Grif** : Yeah I'm bored, I wanna stop doing whatever it is I'm pretending to be doing.

"The example of a highly organized and motivated soldier here, people!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : You're supposed to be helping me look for Lopez, meat sack. You said you saw him up here.

 **Grif** : We saw his head.

 **Sarge** : Just the head?

 **Grif** : Yeah, it was operating the right turret.

 **Sarge** : How was he pullin' the triggers?

 **Simmons** : He's very determined.

"When you're trying to kill those who made you practically a gag to all robots, I'd use my teeth if I have to." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : You're sure it was Lopez.

 **Grif** : Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air, so either that was Lopez, or this is Mexican New Year.

"Is there such thing as a Mexican New Year?" Yang asked Blake, who shrugged.

 **Sarge** : Well where's his head now?

 **Simmons** : I don't know, Tex shot it. Hey, Tex!

 **Tex** : What?

 **Simmons** : When you shot Lopez's head, where did it go?

 **Tex** : How do I know?

"Because he would be the one guy firing a turret with no hands." Yang said, "Or a body for that matter."

 **Simmons** : Are you sure you hit it?

 **Tex** : ...

"D-Don't. Insult. A Sniper." Ruby growled without much of a stutter which freaked her teammates out. There were four things that'll piss her off enough to temporarily resist a Phase.

1) Tell her she missed.

2) Be a horrible Sniper in any form.

3) Call her weapon stupid and overly-flashy

4) And for the love of God, DON'T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT UNCLE QROW!

 **Simmons** : I mean is it possible that you missed?

 **Tex** : ...

 **Simmons** : I mean just this one time, it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.

 **Tex** : ...

"I'll take that as a 'No'." Yang said, talking for Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, she says she doesn't know.

_Cut to Tucker with his big blue, bladey thingy, and Donut with his crappy little bitch of a gun._

**Donut** : Wow, that's sweet! I like the glowing part. Wh-h does it make cool noises when you swing it?

"All swords make cool noises." Blake stated. Weiss sighed as her sword didn't really do that.

 **Tucker** : I don't think so... no, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is then it does, it goes whoosh whoosh, whshsh, whshthsh, whithishsh, wh-kch, chchchchc, whshsshh, hhshshsh ing, ching, whsch, wheouw. ( _swings the blade a couple times, making it whoosh in the air_ ) See?

"It sounds more like a 'Swish' to me." Yang said.

 **Donut** : And you found that in a hole?

 **Tucker** : Yeah dude I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

"You'd think he would tell that a bit more epically." Weiss pointed out, "I guess he's a bit of a realist."

 **Donut** : You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

 **Tucker** : Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

 **Donut** : Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

"Oh my God." Weiss groaned as Blake gave a relieved sigh that she was in the shadows, ' _You gotta study up on more holes.'_

'Yeah… wait, what?'

 **Tucker** : Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

_Cut to the Reds (but not pinky) in a hallway._

**Sarge** : Caboose, what're you yammerin' about? Did you find Lopez?

 **Caboose** : Someone meaner!

 **Sarge** : O'Malley?

 **Caboose** : Meaner!

"Weiss?" Yang said, only to be glared at by said Meaner Person.

 **Grif** : You found someone meaner than the guy trying to destroy the universe.

 **Caboose** : Yes!

 **Church** : ( _in the console behind a BSOD_ ) Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

They couldn't help but laugh at the fact that even though Caboose at least wanted to be friends with, he considers Church as the Great Destroyer of Everything.

 **Caboose** : See? It's Church. And he's meaner than ever!

 **Church** : Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

 **Caboose** : Church. I can hear you. Can you hear me?

 **Church** : Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

 **Caboose** : Church. I can hear you. How are you?

"I think Church is on repeat." Weiss said, figuring that it was a recording.

 **Church** : Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

 **Simmons** : I think it might be a recording.

 **Grif** : Quiet, I wanna see how long this lasts.

"Way ahead of you." Yang said, holding a bucket of popcorn and a stopwatch.

 **Caboose** : Church. I can hear you. Do you miss me?

 **Sarge** : Move over, brainiac, let me see if I can get the rest of this thing to play. ( _Starts fidgeting with the console_ )

 **Caboose** : I carried the bomb and found Church. I, am a very important person.

"No, you found a recording of a guy 2000 years in the past and probably dead." Blake said.

 **Grif** : Yes we're very impressed...

 **Sarge** : Hmm. I think I can reroute power from the main coupling to the memory storage compartment. Grif, we may have to use some of your circuitry from your armor's life support system.

 **Grif** : Or, I could just hit the play button.

 **Sarge** : Are you sure? I'm already down here.

 **Grif** : I'm sure.

 **Sarge** : I already got the access panel off and everything.

 **Grif** : Pressing play.

 **Sarge** : Alright fine.

 **Church** : Caboose, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't. Touch. Anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he actually did." Weiss muttered, "Wait, where did the bomb go?" Suddenly, their eyes widened with the biggest 'Oh Shit' on their faces,

"Maybe the bomb was a bad idea." Yang stated.

 **Caboose** : Mmmmmmnooo... that doesn't sound like me. I like people. And buildings also.

 **Simmons** : Caboose, what did you do with the bomb you were carrying?

 **Caboose** : I put it on the X, like... I was s'posed to.

 **Simmons** : Uh oh.

 **Grif** : I think we'd better get outta here.

 **Church** : Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there.

"'G-G-Glo-Glowing We-W-Weap-Weapon'?" Ruby squeaked, "O-Oh n-n-no."

 **Simmons** : Uh oh.

 **Church** : And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building.

_Tucker and Donut walk in, with Tucker brandishing the glowing weapon thing in plain sight._

**Tucker** : What's up, dawgs?

"Oh, they are so fucked." Blake groaned,

"Wait, what's wrong with all of that crap?" Yang asked, "They could always just es-"

 **Church** : Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped.

_The places starts locking down, trapping them inside._

"Oh. Well, they're fucked."

 **Donut** : Automatic garage door, cool!

"Not cool! It's anything BUT cool!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Caboose** : Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or... say them ten seconds earlier!

_Radio sounds._

**Sarge** : Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.

 **Tex** : I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.

"It's better to have a detonator than a timer." Blake pointed out.

 **Grif** : A countdown timer?

 **Tex** : No, a count-up timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer you idiot!

"Countdowns are so cliché." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : I think we might be in trouble. Ah fudgepumps.

_Text screen: meanwhile, at a different time._

_Cut to Church in the past._

**Church** : Just don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything.

 **Computer** : Message recorded. Do you think it will work?

"No." The RWBYs say without hesitation.

 **Church** : No. Like you said man, that guy's dumb as a rock! But at least he has some slightly less stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time.

_Text screen: t minus 3 minutes._

**Sarge** : Just three minutes left on the bomb!

 **Donut** : Whah! We're all gonna explode and die!

 **Grif** : Simmons come over here; help me chew on this wall. We can eat our way out!

"What a way to help there!" Yang said sarcastically.

_Text screen: t minus 975,513,603 minutes._

**Church** : Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?

 **Computer** : No. But working at full capacity, I could create a teleporter in approximately 1,000 years.

"Only 856 years early." Blake said, "Efficient."

 **Church** : A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?

 **Computer** : Did you hear the one about the positronic brain?

 **Church** : Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the...

 **Computer** : Yes. that's it. I just love that one. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"How does he-I don't even wanna know." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny.

 **Computer** : How about the one with the Jewish simm chip and the Irish expansion slot?

"Hey! We got innocents over here!" Yang exclaimed as she pointed at a random direction, hoping it was Ruby.

 **Church** : Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean.

 **Computer** : Hey. Pull my dongle. Come on you big baby. Just one pull. It won't kill you.

"So, we have a bomb with only two minutes left and Church is potentially the only one who can stop it/prevent everything that will happen." Weiss clarified, "Any bets?"

"I bet no matter what he does, everyone's going to die." (Yang)

"I'm with Yang." (Blake)

"M-Ma-Maybe Ch-Chu-Church w-wi-will me-mess u-up en-en-enough t-ti-times a-an-and ge-g-get s-sent ba-ba-b-back t-tha-that h-he w-wi-will ev-e-eventually ma-make i-i-it ri-r-right." (Ruby)

'I know who's not winning.' WBY thought at the same time as Yang picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Silver Linings)**

_Fade in to the bomb, counting down the last few seconds to 2:00_

**Grif** : Howh, just two minutes left.

 **Sarge** : Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die!

"Unless Church somehow saves everyone." Weiss muttered,

"So Sarge was right about being pessimistic?" Yang asked rhetorically.

 **Simmons** : I think that that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir.

 **Tucker** : ( _hitting the window shutters with the ultimate weapon_ ) What if we just beat on these window shutters together? We can get 'em open.

 **Sarge** : No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!

"The Coward's Way out is accepting fate!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Tucker** : ( _jumping up in the now open window_ ) But I can see daylight!

 **Sarge** : It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.

_Cut to the computer with Church_

**Computer** : teleporter complete. slightly behind schedule.

 **Church** : ( _with a white beard all the way to Tibet_ ) You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes.

"Not that type of miracle." Weiss said.

 **Computer** : knock knock.

"Shut up!" (RWBY)

 **Church** : Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?

 **Computer** : yes. do you have a plan yet?

"It's called not dying and or fucking up." Yang said.

 **Church** : I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time.

"You'd think he would rust or something eventually." Weiss muttered.

 **Computer** : and?

 **Church** : Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying.

"That could work." Blake said, "If he didn't die, Tucker wouldn't call for Tex, meaning O'Malley wouldn't escape and prevent everything from happening."

"You know he's going to screw it up somehow." Weiss pointed out,

"Yeah, but there's always hope."

 **Computer** : ( _with a glaring typo_ ) thats a given.

 **Church** : And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.

 **Computer** : because you secretly love her.

"R-Re-Really ho-h-hope th-they g-g-get t-to-together." Ruby muttered to herself, though her team mates clearly heard it, confusing them even more because they know that Ruby wants Tex dead.

 **Church** : Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her.

 **Computer** : sounds easy.

"Except that he's a horrible shot." Yang stated.

 **Church** : Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze.

 **Computer** : ready to transport.

 **Church** : Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years.

 **Computer** : it's gary. but thanks for asking. see you in a few hundred years.

_Church with a beard all the way to Tibet teleports away, and is instantly replaced by Church with no beard to Tibet running up to the same spot_

"Well, that was fast." Weiss said, "I guess 850 years is a lot quicker than we realize."

 **Church** : Computer, you've got to send me back!

 **Gary** : to blood gulch? you just left.

 **Church** : No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!

"He fucked up majorly, didn't he?" Yang said with a groan.

 **Gary** : how?

_Cut to Blood Gulch, with Sarge constructing Lopez's lower half_

"I guess this is before the series started." Blake pointed out.

 **Grif** : ( _in the Red Base_ ) Hey Sarge!

 **Sarge** : What now?

 **Grif** : Command's on the phone, they want to talk to you about some kind of upcoming delivery!

 **Sarge** : Dag, nabbit! I'm never gonna finish this mechanized robot at this rate! I'll be right there. Now don't you go anywhere Lopez... Hee hee heh heh.

_Future Church arrives next to Lopez after Sarge runs in to the base_

**Future Church** : Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t- Ah who'm I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirt hole any more appealing. Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon. ( _Looks down_ ) What's that... ( _sees two switches, one significantly larger than the other, and kicks dirt on the smaller one_ ) You just got an upgrade pal.

_Church runs off as Sarge returns_

**Sarge** : Oh no, how did all this dirt get in Lopez's switch? It better not short out when I use it. Could take out both the leg motors.

"Oh shit." The girls say,

"He just fucked himself over!" Yang exclaimed,

"Why do I have the feeling it's going to be another common occurrence?" Blake muttered.

_Cut to Church running somewhere_

**Future Church** : I wonder just how early I am.

_Cut to Past Church on Blue Base_

**Past Church** : Did they come out!? Tucker!

 **Tucker** : ( _in standard blue armor; out by the teleporter receptacle in the Gulch_ ) What!?

"Wa-Wait, I-I-I thou-thought h-he h-has t-t-teal ar-arm-armour." Ruby said,

"Maybe he was the rookie back then." Weiss guessed.

 **Past Church** : Did it come out the other side!?

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but they're all black and smoking! Maybe you've got it turned up too high!

 **Past Church** : What're you talking about, I don't see a knob or anything on this thing. Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here!?

 **Tucker** : What, that would never work!

"Says the guy who'll blow up a ghost." Weiss muttered.

 **Teal Soldier** : Hey men, sorry to interrupt, would you mind huddling up fellas?

"Okay, I don't remember seeing him." Yang said, "And why is he wearing Tucker's armour colours." Blake & Weiss couldn't help but flash back to when Donut wanted Sarge's armour, and since this guy has Tucker's armour, they knew it will not end well.

 **Tucker** : Be right there, Captain Flowers.

"He's the Leader of the Blues." Blake said, "He sounds… nice."

 **Flowers** : How are you adjusting to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Church?

 **Past Church** : Fine. Little warm, but, okay.

 **Flowers** : That's great. You have any problems at all, you let me know.

"Wait, he's actually CARING!?" Yang exclaimed. Now that the RWBYs thought about it, the Blues were assholes while the Reds were jerks so when they saw the Captain actually asking if he was alright, well, they couldn't help but smile.

 **Past Church** : Umm... Okay.

 **Tucker** : What's up Sir?

 **Flowers** : Sir, Tucker... I told you to call me Captain, or Cappy, er... I don't want silly things like rank to interfere with our team dynamic.

 **Tucker** : You got it, Cappy.

"He's a like father." Weiss said, 'Someone I'd actually like to be real apart from that bastard.'

 **Flowers** : I think I'm commanding the finest army, in all of Blood Gulch.

 **Tucker** : Isn't there only one other army, those Red guys?

 **Past Church** : Yeah, you know, the enemy?

 **Flowers** : I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. ...And yes, also those Red guys.

"I'll take that to heart." Yang said, genuinely meaning it. She liked this guy more with each passing second.

 **Past Church** : Yeah I've been thinking about our orders from Command... uh, Cappy. And I gotta tell you, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.

 **Tucker** : I think we should listen to this guy Captain, he seems to know plenty about being offensive.

 **Past Church** : Can it, shit bird.

 **Tucker** : See?

"That kinda ruined the moment." Weiss muttered.

 **Flowers** : Men your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

"W-Wow," Ruby said, "H-He's ac-act-actually v-ve-v-very n-ni-nice. A fa-fat-father f-fi-fig-f-figure."

 **Past Church** : Uhm... thank God for the chain of command?

 **Flowers** : Now. I know you're worried about our mission. But I can tell you this. There's nothing, more important to me, than the safety, and well-being, of my men. Or my name, isn't Captain. Butch. Flowers.

"I'm not even going to say anything about his name." Yang said.

 **Tucker** : Does that mean we all get Sniper Rifles?

 **Flowers** : I'm gonna put in an order for yours tomorrow, Private Tucker. But I need to get some shut-eye first.

"Maybe that's why Tucker never got a Sniper Rifle. Captain Flowers died before he could give one to him." Blake said in realization. The RWBYs suddenly felt a stab through the heart. For the first time since they've started watching, they wanted Butch Flowers to live. And they hoped Church would fix that.

 **Tucker** : Awesome. But it's like three-fifteen in the afternoon.

"You know, I feel like taking a nap sooner or later." Blake muttered as she got out of the shadows and sat down on a chair,

"Good to have you back, Blake." Yang said with a smile. Ruby couldn't help it but follow Blake's lead. She appeared on a chair next to Blake, who just shrugged went back to watching. Ruby wanted to say something but now being visible, she felt… uncomfortable about being seen.

 **Past Church** : You're forgetting about the time change, Tucker.

 **Tucker** : Oh yeah, it's like three-eighteen. Why the hell is daylight savings time here only three minutes?

 **Flowers** : Good question, Private Tucker. It'll have to wait for another day; some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking metro-sexual good looks.

 **Tucker** : That's true.

"Wow, caring and a smooth talker." Weiss said, fairly impressed.

_Cut to Future Church behind a rock, watching the situation_

**Future Church** : Holy crap, Captain Flowers is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once.

_Cut to Flowers inside Blue Base_

**Flowers** : Huh, and now to go to sleep, standing up with my eyes open, as is my custom.

"What a strange custom." Blake muttered, "I'm kinda impressed.

 **Future Church** : Captain Flowers!

 **Flowers** : God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?

 **Future Church** : Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well.

 **Flowers** : Course I remember you Church, I just saw you two minutes ago.

 **Future Church** : Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.

"HEART ATTACK!?" The RWBYs yelled out,

"Please live…" Ruby whispered quietly.

 **Flowers** : That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.

 **Future Church** : And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird, and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen.

"Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please…" The RWBYs chanted in unison.

 **Flowers** : I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Church.

_Future Church steps up and injects Flowers in the wrist for some reason_

**Flowers** : Thank you, son. Feeling much bett- ...better. ...Agh.

"That doesn't sound good." Blake said worryingly.

 **Future Church** : What. What's the matter?

 **Flowers** : That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin.

Suddenly, the girls heard mental glass shattering and their view on Red vs Blue coming back into play. Blake quickly turned her head to Ruby, who already disappeared. She screamed in frustration and went back to the shadows for more plotting, "H-HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?" Weiss exclaimed,

"Remember, physically impossible~" Yang sang out,

"Oh fuck you." Weiss said as she flipped the bird,

"Says the girl in the cat costume…"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

"Nothing~"

 **Future Church** : Umm...

 **Flowers** : ( _squatting_ ) Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing... ( _Falls over_ ) Church. Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here.

 **Future Church** : What, what is it?

 **Flowers** : Hurkh...

 **Future Church** (& RWBY): Aw, crap.

 **Flowers** : Blah.

"Oh my God, he killed Flowers!" Weiss yelled,

"You fucking bastard!" Yang added in.

_Past Church and Tucker run in to the base, and Future Church bails_

**Past Church** : No Tucker, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow. Captain, what time did you wanna- Captain? ( _Runs over to Flowers and checks for a pulse_ ) Hoooly crap, he's dead Tucker. I think he might have had a heart attack in his sleep.

 **Tucker** : Dude, that's horrible. This is a sad day. I got dibs on the armor!

"And that solves the mystery of Tucker's armour." Yang said.

_Cut to Future Church looking back at Blue Base_

**Future Church** : Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage.

_Cut to black screen with white text: "a few weeks later"_

_Cut to Future Church hiding in the shade_

**Future Church** : Man this sucks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet.

 **Donut** : Hi!

"There's the pink guy." Blake said, "Though, not exactly pink."

 **Future Church** : Uhmm... Hello.

 **Donut** : Do you have any elbow grease?

 **Future Church** : What're you talking about?

 **Donut** : How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?

 **Future Church** : What? Look man, there's only two places in this God damn canyon.

 **Donut** : Look I just came from Red Base.

 **Future Church** : Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way.

 **Donut** : Okay, thanks mister!

Cue the RWBYs face palming, "He just directed Donut to Blue Base…" Weiss groaned,

"Cuing what happened to cause his death." Blake finished.

 **Future Church** : Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?

 **Donut** : Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys. Seeya later. ( _Takes off_ )

 **Future Church** : Yeah thanks. What an idiot. ...Wait a minute.

_Cut to Caboose and Church during episode 4_

**Caboose** : My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

"Do you hear that?" Yang asked, getting the attention of the others, "It's sound of your dad getting castrated with a rusty spoon!"

'Déjà  _vu_.' Blake  & Noire thought.

 **Past Church** : Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

 **Tucker** : No, I think he called her a slut!

 **Donut** : Oh sweet, they sell tanks!

 **Future Church** : ( _on the hill behind Donut, whispering_ ) Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!

 **Donut** : Is that the guy from the cave? How'd he get down here so fast?

"Because he sucks." Blake said flatly, "He just fucking sucks at everything."

 **Past Church** : ( _turning around_ ) Tucker, are you laughing at me?

 **Donut** : Excuse me, Sir, can I ask you a question?

 **Future Church** : Oh crap.

_Donut runs out of Blue Base carrying the flag_

**Caboose** : ( _emerging from Blue Base_ ) The General stopped by, and picked up the flag! ( _returns inside the base_ )

 **Past Church** : Wait a second... what did he just say?

_Past Church and Tucker run in to the base. Future Church turns to see Sheila_

**Future Church** : There's Sheila. Sheila! ( _Runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol_ ) Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!

"Sheila!" Yang cheered at her return, "STOP SHOOTING HER YOU BASTARD!"

'Hop aboard the Fetish mobile.' The other girls thought at the same time.

_Cut to Past Church running off of Blue Base from Caboose_

**Past Church** : Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

 **Future Church** : ( _running around back of Sheila_ ) Aw crap crap, come on, activate!

 **Sheila** : Thank you, for activating, the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.

"Wait, what?" Weiss said, "I thought her name was Sheila."

"Who cares!" Yang yelled out, 'As long as she's back, it's fine with me.'

 **Future Church** : Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?

 **Phyllis** : Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila.

"Well, that solves that." Weiss muttered.

 **Future Church** : Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.

 **Sheila** : Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled.

 **Future Church** : Yeah, comon comon, hurry.

 **Sheila** : Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.

 **Future Church** : Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

 **Future Church** : Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol.

 **Sheila** : "Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targeted by Auto-lock.

"Oh shit…" The RWBYs say,

"Well, that explains that." Yang said. Ruby raised an eyebrow. She knew Church would be team killed but now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember what she did after the episode… or the moment when Church got killed.

 **Future Church** : Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.

_Caboose enters the tank_

**Future Church** : I want the other thing.

 **Sheila** : Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

 **Caboose** : Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

 **Sheila** : Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

 **Future Church** : Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.

 **Sheila** : This tutorial program, is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving. ( _Drives off_ )

 **Future Church** : ( _left behind_ ) Wait! Oh my God, no!

 **Sheila** : ( _driving_ ) I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.

"Kinda like Lopez." Blake muttered.

 **Future Church** : ( _chasing after on foot_ ) No no no no no no no no no no n-

 **Past Church** : ( _standing on the cliff in episode 8_ ) Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

 **Sheila** : New target acquired. ( _Spinning turret around at Church_ )

"4…" (Yang)

_Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Church_

**Caboose** : That's not a target. That's Church.

"3…" (Blake)

 **Sheila** : Target locked.

"2…" (Weiss)

 **Caboose** : What?

"O-One." (Ruby)

 **Past Church** : What? Oh, son of a bi-

 **Future Church** : ( _looking on from behind foliage_ ) Oh NO! I'm the team-killing fucktard!

The girls gaped at the fact that Church was responsible for his own freaking death, "So, Caboose didn't really kill Church with Shelia." Yang stated,

"Yep." Weiss answered,

"It was Church from the future who disabled the Friendly Fire protocol that would stop the tank from shooting Church." Blake said, stating the obvious,

"Yep."

"N-Now I-I f-fe-f-feel b-bad." Ruby said sadly (AN: snake screamer everyone!)

 **Tucker** : You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

 **Sheila** : ( _spinning turret around_ ) New target acquired. ( _Drives off_ )

 **Tucker** : ( _running along the cliff_ ) Caboose, wait!

 **Future Church** : ( _arriving next to his own dead body_ ) Ah, here we go. ( _Picks up his own dead body's sniper rifle_ ) Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody.

_Cut to Caboose inside Sheila, just the way she likes it_

**Caboose** : I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

 **Sheila** : Night vision engaged.

 **Tucker** : Rookie, get out now.

_Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank_

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO!" Yang yelled out, with each 'No' becoming more filled with worry.

 **Caboose** : Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

 **Sheila** : Driver canopy open. ( _Caboose gets out and runs off the tank_ ) Thank you for using the M808B Main Battle Ta-

"Here it comes…" Blake said as she prepared for the worst.

_Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards_

(Team JNPR)

"Stop the goddamn track!" Pyhrra yelled as Jaune desperately tried to change songs,

"I'M TRYING! DON'T PRESSURE ME WOMAN!" Jaune yelled at his partner as he kept up his work. Ren was desperately trying to ignore everything and Nora… she was singing along,

"Let me blow you… away!" Nora sang,

"SHUT UP!" The two yelled. Suddenly, clear as day, they heard a massive "WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!", just like the last one from a few weeks ago,

"… So… you mind changing songs."

"Yep."

 **Caboose** : Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running.

_Past Church materializes as a ghost behind Future Church on the cliff_

**Past Church** : What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?

 **Future Church** : Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot.

 **Past Church** : So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?

 **Future Church** : What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest.

 **Past Church** : Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence...

"That's just sad." Blake muttered, "Dying, going back in time and discovering you're a nerd."

 **Future Church** : Man... First I kill myself, then I realize I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me.

_Cut to Tucker and Caboose running up to the cliff_

**Tucker** : One second Caboose, I wanna get Church's sniper rifle.

 **Future Church** : Uh oh. ( _Hides_ )

 **Tucker** : Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Caboose, let's go call Command.

 **Caboose** : Um... Shouldn't we bury Church?

 **Tucker** : Fuck that, has he ever buried us?

"Translation: Too fucking lazy." Yang said.

_Cut to Grif on Red Base_

**Grif** : So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.

 **Donut** : Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?

 **Simmons** : What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

"You have to admit, he did better than you idiots." Weiss pointed out.

 **Donut** : Still, you think there's a shot?

 **Simmons** : Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.

'Not even going to comment.' The RWBYs thought.

 **Grif** : Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?

_Cut to Tex turning around_

**MAN!Tex** : Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

"You know, now that I think about it Tex's voice did sound fake." Yang muttered.

 **Caboose** : Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...

 **GURL!Tex** : Yeah. You do that. Wimps.

_Cut to Future Church spying on the Reds through the sniper rifle from behind a rock_

**Future Church** : Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?

 **Donut** : The best thing about the military is all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the first time.

 **Grif** : Yeah that's great.

_Invisible Tex runs across in front of Future Church_

**Future Church** : What the, what was that?

 **Donut** : Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do back on the old farm. Just sit back, think about things, and then repress those thoughts immediately...

'What happened at the farm?' Blake thought,

' _GIVE US DETAILS! NOW!_ ' Noire yelled.

 **Simmons** : Doesn't this guy ever shut up?

 **Grif** : Hyeah, I'm wondering the same thing.

_Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the Red base, then cut to Grif_

**Grif** : What the fuck?

 **Donut** : ( _with the grenade magically attached to his head_ ) What?

_The grenade explodes_

**Grif and Simmons** : Son of a bitch!

_Cut to Future Church's view through the sniper rifle of Grif swinging at nothing_

**Grif** : Simmons, help me fight, I'm too good looking to die.

"Still ugly!" Yang yelled out.

 **Future Church** : Where'd he go?

 **Simmons** : Eek! I'm gonna faint!

"PUSSY!" Blake yelled out too,

_Cut to Future Church's view of Sarge following Tex in to Red Base_

**Future Church** : Aw, shit! Tex! Don't go in there! ( _Drops the sniper rifle and charges after them_ ) Awgh, I gotta do somethin'.

Blake could only slap her forehead in frustration, with the slap audible enough to be heard be confused at,

"Why did you do that?" Yang asked with confusion in her voice,

"Just give it a minute."

_Cut to Future Church sneaking up behind a wall inside Red Base_

**Grif** : Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Many growls were sent at Grif as they glared at the TV.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, Grif. You watch the prisoner. Lopez and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Simmons, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine.

 **Simmons** : Yes Sir!

 **Grif** : Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...

 **Tex** : Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

 **Grif** : Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?

_Tex leans in at Grif quickly then leans back. Grif flinches and steps back_

**Grif** : Aaah, not the face!

"No, IN THE BALLS!" Yang yelled out.

 **Sarge** : ( _from the top of the base_ ) Grif, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.

 **Grif** : Coming Sir.

 **Simmons** : Did you hear that?

 **Grif** : I don't see any... ( _Sees Caboose running across the Gulch_ ) Uh uh, yep, there's one. ( _Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it_ ) Why is he just standing there?

_Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock_

**Tucker** : Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

 **Caboose** : They can't see me. I can't see them!

"Still an idiot." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : That's because you're facing the rock.

 **Caboose** : ( _looks at the base_ ) Oh. Right. ( _Ducks behind the rock, finds the sniper rifle Church left there_ ) Look! A telemascope!

"Ah… shit." Weiss cursed as the team realized Church's mistake and Blake's face palm.

 **Past Church** : Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ...other Red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.

"Still horrible acting." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : ( _turning around to face Tex_ ) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

_Past Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down_

**Simmons** : Ow, geez, the back of my head!

 **Tex** : What the hell are you doing!?

 **Past Church** : Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.

 **Tex** : Okay.

_Tex and Past Church run off_

**Future Church** : ( _stepping in to the middle of the base_ ) Oh right, that Red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an- Oh no.

"And… the last horse has crossed the finish line! Winner: Fate & Time! Loser: Leonard Church!" Yang declared.

 **Simmons** : ( _waking up and standing up_ ) What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!

 **Future Church** : Yeah, that's great. ( _punches Simmons in the face_ )

 **Simmons** : Ow, geez, the front of my face!

_Future Church runs up to the entrance of the base and watches his past self in Sarge's body get shot in the head by the sniper rifle he left behind for Caboose to find._

**Future Church** : You gotta be kidding me!

 **Caboose** : Tucker did it!

"No Caboose, you did but if Church didn't leave his Sniper Rifle, none of that would've happened." Blake said,

"Yep, he's a Time Jinx. Get it, 'cause he went back in time to stop the trouble but ended up BEING the tr-"

"WE GET IT YANG!" RWB yelled out (AN: snake screamer! Still running out)

_Cut to a black screen with the words "many unsuccessful attempts later"_

_Cut to Sheila attacking the Red Base in episode 19_

**Sheila** : Target locked. ( _Fires_ )

_Donut comes up from inside the base, and speaks as Future Church fires four sniper shots at him and misses horribly with each one_

"Still the WORST SNIPER EVER!" Ruby yelled out, getting angry at Church's display,

"Of all time!" Weiss exclaimed before cursing in frustration.

 **Donut** : Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?

 **Future Church** : ( _reloading the sniper rifle_ ) Oh my God, how did I miss?

"BECAUSE YOU SUCK!" The RWBYs yelled for the millionth time.

 **Grif** : That chick in the black armor's back!

 **Donut** : ( _as Church continues missing him horribly_ ) What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?

 **Future Church** : GOD DAMMIT!

Okay, Ruby definitely doesn't remember this part very well.

 **Simmons** : That's the one.

 **Donut** : Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. ( _Runs up to the edge of the base and yells_ ) Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!

_Donut throws a grenade. Various camera angles follow it on its long journey through the sky, and everyone in the Gulch watching it go_

"Still a fucking awesome throw." Yang muttered.

 **Future Church** : ( _firing at the grenade four times and missing each time_ ) FUCK! THIS! HORSE! SHIT!

_Cut to Caboose and Tucker_

**Tucker** : Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

_The grenade lands right in Tex's lap, inside the tank_

**Tex** : Aw crap!

"Ah shit!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Donut** : Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore! ( _Dirty whore echoes at least twice in the Gulch before the tank finally explodes_ )

"OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" Yang yelled as she cried at the currently wearing cat cosplay Heiress.

 **Future Church** : ( _speaking over Donut_ ) Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave.

 **Past Church** : ¡Dios mío, no!

 **Caboose** : That looks like Church.

_Radio sounds_

**Caboose** : Come in, Church. Is that you, Church?

_Morse Code is audible, reminiscent of when O'Malley moved from Caboose in to Doc_

**O'Malley** : ( _Caboose-style evil laugh_ )

"And… got Caboose infected. Great!" Yang exclaimed,

"Wait, didn't O'Malley infect Caboose before Tex died?" Blake asked,

"Hey, Church fucked up with the timeline, so maybe some things have changed without him knowing." Weiss explained, "Maybe he noticed Past Church."

"Well, we can think of that tomorrow." Yang said as she yawned, "Time to hit the hay."

"Really?" Weiss said as she looked at the clock, "Whoa, midnight already?"

"Let's just get some sleep." Yang said as she went to the bathroom. Weiss sighed and waited. A few minutes later, everyone was asleep, with Ruby saying that she'll be sleeping somewhere else. The only person not sleeping, however, was a cat girl,

'Operation Trapper is online.'

' _I like this plan Pussy Cat. I hope at least one of them works. Especially the binding one._ '

'I'M NOT USING THE BINDING ONE!'

' _Are you sure…?_ '

'Yes, Noire you perverted fuck.'

' _I am you.'_

'Shut the fuck up and tell me where to put these.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	25. Ninja Suck! (Episode 50 Part 2, Have We Met?, Let's Come to Order)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue are... you get the drill by now.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was late at night as the RWBYs peacefully slept. Except a certain cat girl. ' _…now set the black wire to the yellow wire…'_

'I got it Noire.' Blake thought as she laid the final trap, thinking why she set the wire combination to correspond with her team colours, 'Red to White to Black to Yellow, I got this.'

' _Just making sure. Don't you remember the last ti-_ '

'Don't talk about it.' Blake growled before going back to the trap, 'We've already discussed this.'

' _Oh shut the hell up and get back to the bomb._ '

'It's not a bomb; it's a knock-out grenade.'

' _So a non-lethal grenade modified to set off at the sight of a large amount of red clothes._ ' Noire muttered, ' _A trip mine?_ ' Blake could only sigh,

"Yes, it's a trip mine." Blake muttered, "Okay Noire, let's go find the daughter of a bitch."

' _And stick a nice big-_ '

"No." Blake flat out said, causing Noire to sigh,

' _Fine_.' Blake sighed and went and checked the cafeteria first before searching the library. She even checked every broom closet in the school before checking all the dorms before finally ending up back at her team's dorm, ' _Find her, Pussy Cat?_ ' Blake growled in response,

'No.'

' _Have you tried the bookshelf?_ '

'Already checked. Nope.'

' _You checked under her bed?_ '

'Weiss is under her bed.'

'…  _Did you still check?_ '

'SHE ISN'T THERE NOIRE!'

' _You know, it's going to take some getting to being called Noire, Pussy Cat._ ' Noire pointed out, ' _Anyway, how about your bed?_ ' Blake face palmed,

"My other is an idiot. My other is a motherfucking idiot." Blake muttered before responding, 'I already checked under my bed.'

' _You know I can hear everything you hear. And remind me to give you nightmares._ ' Blake sighed,

'Noted.'

' _Have you checked IN your bed?_ ' Blake raised her eyebrow at that sentence,

'That's stupid! Why would she hide in my bed?' Noire went silent for a few seconds before responding,

' _She knows you'll never look there._ ' Blake thought for a second and shrugged and checked,

'Not here either.' Noire thought for a second before smiling evilly,

' _Have you tried Yang's cleavage yet?_ ' Blake's eyes widened as she stayed silent for a few minutes, ' _You're actually thinking about it, aren't you Pussy Cat?_ '

'Y-You s-si-sick f-fuc-fu-fck.' Blake thought with a Ninja Ruby style stutter (AN: classicalass everyone!). She sighed as she saw the time so she switched to her bed robes and went to bed, not noticing the soft snores filling her ears.

(NEXT DAY!)

"You motherfucker." Weiss growled during breakfast in the cafeteria. She was still in her cat costume, "You used SUPER GLUE!?"

"D-Don't worry Weiss," Blake said from the shadows while Ruby was plowing through pancakes, "It'll wear off… in a week." Weiss couldn't take it anymore and excused herself from the table, before letting out the biggest stream of swears in Remnant history, adding new words in the Big Book of Swears and new ways to use the word 'Fuck', all while Yang was writing all of this down, Blake trying to spell those words and Ruby wondering what 'Gammy' was. After having a filling breakfast and a new set of swears that will be saved for a special occasion, the girls set up for another 3 episodes of Red vs Blue,

"So… any words?" Yang asked as she grabbed the remote,

"START THE EPISODE!"

"Alright! Alright! Yeash, you don't have to yell it out." Yang muttered as she pressed play.

**(Episode 50 Part 2)**

_Fade in to Past Church, Caboose and Tucker standing in front of the tombstones near Blue Base, with Future Church watching from afar_

"I-I-It's go-g-good t-t-to s-se-see T-Te-Tex's g-gr-g-grave a-aga-again." Ruby said, causing Yang & Weiss to shift away in random directions.

 **Past Church** : Um... Maybe somebody should say something.

 **Tucker** : Okay, go ahead.

 **Past Church** : Not me, jackass. I'm not gonna eulogize myself.

"That's something you don't hear every day." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

"Of course you do." Blake said as she groaned.

 **Caboose** : Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved

 **Past Church** : No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.

 **Caboose** : We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.

"That must be the worst eulogy ever. Of all time." Weiss said before face palming, 'I'll eventually get it out of my system and onto a T-Shirt. Just wait out the storm.'

 **Tucker** : Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock.

"This man has no shame." Weiss muttered.

 **Past Church** : Hey Tucker, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?

"Y-Y-You ma-made a-a-a mis-mistake. A-All o-o-of th-them h-ha-h-have n-no sh-s-sha-shame." Ruby said,

"What about Caboose?" Yang asked,

"I'm betting Caboose doesn't even know the word 'Shame'." Blake said.

 **Tucker** : No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.

 **Past Church** : Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here.

_Cut to Future Church_

**Past Church** : I've been through so much. At least help me paint my body blue.

 **Future Church** : Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.

_Cut to past Church and Tucker trying to activate the repair function in episode 23_

**Past Church** : Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!

 **Tucker** : Found it?

 **Past Church** : Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

 **Tucker** : What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.

"In Celsius, idiot!" Yang exclaimed, she couldn't resist.

_Future Church runs by inside the base, and the camera conveniently cuts to him there_

**Future Church** : Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command? We really need to standardize the way we handle our information.

_Back outside_

**Tucker** : Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

 **Past Church** : Well, give it a flip.

 **Tucker** : I don't wanna flip it.

' _I do. Just us a lot of lube._ '

'NOIRE! Please just shut the hell up! You can perv out at night when everyone's asleep.' This caused her other self to sigh sadly,

' _You're a Party Pooper, ya know that? But then again I could always modify your dreams to see what happens if were actually gay…'_

*Sigh* 'Fine. But not Ruby. She's way too young. Deal?'

' _Deal._ ' (AN: Autistic-Grizzly!)

_Back inside to Future Church standing in front of Cabose's Importent Lists of Stuf_

"Caboose literally misspelled almost every single on that list." Weiss muttered, "And it's C-A-B-O-O-U-S-E."

'You know, I'm not even that tempted to even correct that.' Blake & Yang thought.

 **Future Church** : Okay, here we go.

_Radio sounds_

**Future Church** : Come in Blue Command, do you read me.

 **Vic** : ( _through static_ ) Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.

 **Future Church** : Uh yeah, this is, uh, Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers.

The girls sighed at the name. He was actually the first guy they actually liked to live in the series. It was sad that he died of an aspirin overdose, giving them more reasons to hate Church.

 **Vic** : Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it.

"Not matter what, either from dying or a promotion, you should always give Flowers." Yang punned. She quickly flinched when Weiss looked at her,

"Too easy." She muttered before turning back to the TV. Yang gave a sigh of relief, until a note landed on her head. It said:

'I got it.'

"What?" Yang managed to say before getting about a few hundred pounds of beans landing on her head, "Hah! Joke's on you, I like beans!" She said smugly as she started eating the beans on her hair. For some reason though, she heard a lot of glass shattering. Meanwhile, Ruby already had nose plugs. As well as placing some in Weiss' pocket and burning the rest. The war had begun.

 **Future Church** : Uhm... promoted.

 **Vic** : Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?

 **Future Church** : Good. Listen up Vic, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top.

"Very subtle there, Church." Blake muttered.

 **Vic** : I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. in a ditideepti and all that.

 **Future Church** : Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne, as far away from here as possible.

 **Vic** : Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means.

 **Future Church** : Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me.

 **Vic** : Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch.

"Oh God no." Weiss groaned, already seeing the scene unfolding in her mind. When she saw her score increased, her eye twitched.

And promptly threw the thing out the window.

'I-I-I ha-had u-un-uni-unicorn dr-d-drawings o-on i-it.' Ruby thought sadly, 'And they were really cute.' Real Ruby thought as well, 'Y-Yeah…'

 **Future Church** : Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.

 **Vic** : Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything.

 **Future Church** : What?

 **Vic** : Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool.

 **Future Church** : Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?

 **Vic** : I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude. ( _Transmission ends_ )

 **Future Church** : Well that should take care of at least one problem.

"Nope, I think he just cause it." Weiss muttered, "That guy's a friking moron. Now he's back to square one."

 **Vic** : So... Red and Blue are the same. Well I gotta make some phone calls.

"He just sent Wyoming to kill Tucker, didn't he?" Blake groaned as she face palmed,

"Like I said, a Time Jinx." Yang muttered, before taking another scoop of beans, before realizing something, "Wait, doesn't that mean the Red vs Blue war is real?" It took a few seconds before everyone yelled out,

"FUCK!"

_Cut to Simmons looking up at Past Church paralyzed from the waist down_

**Simmons** : What the hell are you guys doing?

 **Tucker** : Aw crap, the Reds are here.

 **Past Church** : What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything?

"'Cause you're a fucktard!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Future Church** : ( _inside the base_ ) Oh what the hell? Vic just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!

"PINK SPRINKLED BALLS FULL OF POOP!"

"She's really getting creative with her cursing." Yang noted.

_Cut to Past Church as a ghost talking to Caboose and Tucker_

**Ghost Church** : Guys, I keep telling you, if we have Lopez remove any of Sheila's pedals, she's not gonna function properly.

 **Tucker** : Maybe we could just get Lopez to give Caboose more feet.

 **Caboose** : Oh! I like that idea! I have always wanted to be taller.

_In the background, Future Church runs up to Lopez and Sheila, and the camera once again conveniently cuts to them there, as if it was scripted or something_

**Future Church** : Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and them um, possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin' up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye. ( _Runs off_ )

"I… I don't know how to respond to that." Blake said,

"I do!" Yang spoke up happily, "YOU FUCK! YOU JUST STARTED THE ROBOT ARMY YOU MOTHERFUCKER! NO, FUCK MOTHERFUCKER,  _FATHER_ FUCKER!"

' _You know, that doesn't sou-_ '

'For the love of God Noire, I don't even know where my parents are!'

 **Lopez** : I don't trust that guy. He seems shifty.

 **Sheila** : Me neither, but I have to admit, I liked his Robot Army idea.

 **Lopez** : Me too. We should do that.

 **Lopez** : I could build a one man flying vehicle with rocket launchers using the extra parts we have.

 **Sheila** : Great idea. Let's hide it in the cave, so they won't find it.

"God damn it, it's not even a fucking artifact!" Weiss complained,

"Aw… is the Neko irritated by all the stupid?" Yang asked, causing Weiss to growl at her, "That's not helping you Weiss."

"Oh fuck you! You ate beans off of your hair!"

"BEANS ARE AWESOME!"

 **Lopez** : Agreed.

_Cut to Future Church over a hill_

**Future Church** : Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters...

_Cut to Donut talking to Grif behind the Warthog_

**Donut** : Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?

 **Grif** : Oh God!

'It is a disturbing, yet slightly erotic image.' Blake admitted in her mind.

 **Future Church** : ( _messing with the Red teleporter_ ) Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Tucker was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh.

 **Tucker** : Curses!

"Like every stupid evil villain." Yang said, "And O'Malley."

_Sheila runs in to the Warthog... again_

"OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

'We're going to need a therapist after this.' RWB thought at the same time.

 **Lopez** : ( _in flight_ ) Ayayay... Frejoles.

_Sheila runs in to the base, sending Future Church flying backwards_

**Future Church** : Yow!

_The teleporter short circuits_

"That explains why the teleporter malfunctioned." Weiss said.

_Cut to Future Church waking up after about 5 episodes of being unconscious, somehow undetected by the Reds_

**Future Church** : Oh... What the hell happened? Where am I? When am I?

_Cut to the Parabola of Mystery_

**Tucker** : Uh, Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

 **Ghost Church** : What?

"Has he really been unconscious for 5 episodes?" Yang asked rhetorically.

 **Tucker** : I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle, just a side-note.

"Who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!" (You know who)

 **Ghost Church** : Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion, Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!

"ASSLESS IN MY CHAPS!"

"You know, I think you already did that." Blake said, "I could be wrong, but it wouldn't hurt."

 **Tucker** : Alright, alright, sorry.

 **Future Church** : Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless...

"He's going to get a rocket launcher and try and shoot O'Malley but instead hit Tucker, isn't he?" Weiss said. For a nano-second, she thought she saw a flash of red,

"A-A-Aw…" Ruby groaned, realizing that the score sheet was gone.

_Cut to Sarge_

**Sarge** : Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!

"For you, that is!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Grif** : Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?

 **Simmons** : Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.

 **Sarge** : No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ( _Charges up the hill_ )

 **Tucker** : Wait everyone, stop fighting!

"Here is comes…" Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, come on!

 **Tucker** : It's all a lie!

 **Sarge** : Let's go! Haha

 **Tucker** : Red is Blue! Blue is Red!

 **Sarge** : Yeah, kablammo!

 **Tucker** : We're all the same!

 **Sarge** : Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

"Yeah, we get it. You want murder. Get on with it." Weiss said.

_Future Church arrives at a random rocket launcher lying in the middle of the valley_

**Future Church** : God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. ( _Picks it up_ )

 **Ghost Church** : ( _in background_ ) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!

 **Future Church** : ( _homing in on O'Malley in the scooter_ ) Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy.

_Future Church fires a rocket at O'Malley, but misses and hits Tucker in the back_

**Tucker** : It's all the- Waaaaaa son of a bitch!

"OH! So close, yet, so far." Yang said.

 **Future Church** : WHAT THE HELL!? The targeting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.

"Wow. Just, wow." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!

 **Future Church** : Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.

"We all do Church. We all do." Blake said, "Hey, Ruby? Do you mind if you can get me a glass of water?"

"S-Sure." Ruby responded. A few seconds later, a cup of water was on the table an-

*BOOM!*

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Yang exclaimed as she saw a puke green cloud coming out of nowhere, "THE FUCK, IS THAT POISON?"

"Actually it's a mix of various chemicals from the janitor's closet and a special Cat Faunus recipe." Blake explained,

"You made that!?" The two visible girls exclaimed, "WHY!?"

"To capture Ruby."

"I-I-I'm n-n-not a-an an-a-ani-an-animal." Ruby said,

"How about you come out and show me, then I'll stop hunting you down." Blake said as she pulled out a net from her bag, 'I know this is a school for Hunters and Huntresses but where do they get all of this stuff?'

' _Sorry Pussy Cat, it'll take too many chapters to explain._ '

'Wait, what?'

' _Don't worry about it._ '

'Okay…'

"W-Well, i-i-if y-you're n-no-not go-goi-going t-to gi-give u-u-up a-and p-play di-dirty I-I-I wo-wo-won't ho-hold b-ba-b-back." Suddenly, a photo appeared on the table, face down. Yang raised an eyebrow and picked it up. She looked at Weiss before turning the photo over. As a result, their jaws dropped,

"Wow, is Sun really that flexible?" Yang asked, "I wonder how he's doing that."

"For a Faunus, he has nice abs." Weiss said, "And also you, Blake."

"Oh! What's that over there? In the background."

"Is that a bed?"

"No, it looks more like a, a car. Hey, didn't you take a bit of a road trip with him once?"

"Yeah… you came back happier than Ruby… and all your clothes were wet and you never told us why. It was like you lost yo-"

"IT WAS RAINING!" Blake quickly answered as she quickly made the photo* disappear, "Ruby…" Blake growled,

"P-Payback. S-Sorry." Ruby said simply before grabbing the remote, "C-Can w-w-we wa-w-watch an-another ep-e-episode pl-please?" Blake was about to say something about changing the subject but stopped herself, 'While Ruby's distracted, I can set up more traps!'

"Okay." Blake grunted. Ruby narrowed her eyes before pressing play.

**(Have We Met?)**

_Fade in to Future Church watching Donut, Tex and Tucker before they go in the teleporter to Sidewinder_

**Sheila** : Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

 **Tucker** : Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

"Still wondering how she does that." Blake muttered as she started setting up a web trap,

"Because Shelia's amazing." Yang said dreamily as she sighed with a sparkle in her eyes, causing Weiss to back the hell away.

 **Donut** : Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

"Still wrong species." Weiss said.

 **Sheila** : Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.

_Tex runs through the teleporter, then Donut_

**Tucker** : Bye Sheila, we'll come back for you soon.

 **Sheila** : I'll be waiting.

_Future Church runs across the Blue Base to Sheila_

**Sheila** : Church! I thought you left with Grif. Back already?

 **Future Church** : I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?

"Aw… I guess he does care for Shelia, even though he got killed by her." Yang said, "It was so god damn awesome."

"Despite the fact that it caused your sister to go into her Aura mode?" Blake whispered,

"Well, um, that made it slightly less awesome."

 **Sheila** : No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder.

"Just like Beacon's training robots." Weiss muttered before everyone shuddered. They did  _not_ want to go through that again.

 **Future Church** : Yeah, tell me about it. There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right.

 **Sheila** : What is it?

 **Future Church** : Okay, here's what I need you to do. ( _Whispers_ ) I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait,

 **Sheila** : Alright.

 **Future Church** : And give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call.

 **Sheila** : You got it.

 **Future Church** : Thanks Sheila. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.

 **Sheila** : That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.

"T-T-Too mu-much in-i-inf-information, S-Sh-Shelia." Ruby stuttered, kinda fearing Blake's next move.

 **Future Church** : Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila.

_Future Church runs through the teleporter_

**Sheila** : Maybe I should shut down now, and save a little power.

_Sheila powers down and the camera does a step by step pan back in a blatant attempt to signify the end of our time in Blood Gulch._

"I think our time in Blood Gulch has ended." Yang said, "OR IS IT!?"

_Cut to Wyoming outside Past Church and Grif's cell_

**Wyoming** : Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well.

 **Past Church** : When I get outta here-

'Still in love with the bitch.' Real Ruby said, 'Se-S-Seriously, w-wh-w-what's w-with th-t-the vo-voices i-in m-my he-head?'

 **Wyoming** : But you won't! Everyone here is dead now, no one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu huh, cheerio! ( _Runs off_ )

_Cut to Future Church at the cell's control console, with a sign saying "Note: Please don't release prisoners - Thanks, Mgt"_

"You don't fucking say!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Future Church** : Man, there is no way Grif can disarm that bomb. I better let him out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off.

"And that solves how they got out." Blake noted.

_Cut back to Past Church and Grif_

**Grif** : You should try showering in Cell Block C. Those guys are animals.

' _So are you, Pussy Cat._ ' Noire said, ' _In and out of battle._ ' Blake only blushed,

'Shut up and let me set traps and watch!'

 **Past Church** : Alright, here goes.

_The gate rises, just like it did the last time_

**Grif** : You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all.

 **Past Church** : What, I didn't do that, somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go.

 **Grif** : Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

"Still as dumb as ever." Weiss muttered.

 **Future Church** : Alright, now to find Tex.

 _Cut to Wyoming and Tex, who's tied to a tree using rope bigger than your arm_.

"That is one thick rope." Yang said, "I could break out of those easily."

 **Wyoming** : Sorry about this Allison. Just following Omega's orders.

 **O'Malley** : Wyoming, I need you to get in position. Don't forget that Vic fellow is giving us a bonus if we kill Tucker. Would really help fuel the whole "conspiracy theory" he's made up.

 **Wyoming** : Right-O mate.

 **Doc** : As the one person here who really does work for Red and Blue, I think what we're doing is despicable! O'Malley, can't you look in your heart and see that maybe if we do this right, that Red and Blue could work together? Maybe we could end this crazy war. Wouldn't that be great? Come on guys, let's live the dream!

"Yeah! Live the dream!" Yang exclaimed.

 **O'Malley** : I like the way wars end now. When one side's completely dead, and the other side wasting away in nuculer winter.

"You know, that place sounds really similar to Remnant." Blake said sadly.

 **Doc** : It's pronounced 'nuclear.'

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up. Crying at the folly of their own hubris!

 **Doc** : Wars also end in treaties.

 **O'Malley** : Aouwh, shut up already.

_Cut to Future Church spying on everyone, like he's James Bond or something_

**Future Church** : Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Church. Uh... I have money. Oh man, where is she?

_Another Church approaches from behind the rock behind Future Church_

"Wait, what?" The RWBYs say,

"I guess Church messed up and now he's literally back to square one." Weiss said,

"He's the worst time traveler ever." Blake said,

"Of all time." Yang added in. Weiss growled at her when she said that.

 **Futurer Church** : Psst! Hey, hey buddy! Hey!

 **Future Church** : Huh? Who're you?

 **Futurer Church** : Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp.

"Don't tell me. He messed up so many times that there are more than 2 Churches." Yang said,

"I'm betting there's about a couple hundred." Weiss said.

 **Future Church** : Us? Who's us? Back from where? What's goin' on?

_Cut to Bomb Church during the countdown_

**Past Church** : Man this blows, you guys suck.

_Rocket launcher gets shot out of Tucker's hands_

**Tucker** : What the hell!?

 **Wyoming** : Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.

"Again." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : Uh guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

 **Tucker** : Uh oh.

 **Past Church** : What? Oh, son of a-

"And… cue the explosion!" Yang exclaimed.

_Halo explodes... again..._

_Cut back to Future Church leaving in episode 50_

**Gary** : see you in a few hundred years.

 **Future Church** : Computer, you've got to send me back!

 **Gary** : to blood gulch? you just left.

 **Future Church** : No no no, not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!

 **Gary** : how?

 **Future Church** : Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here.

_Future Church 2 pops in to place_

**Future Church 2** : Yeah, me too.

 **Future Church** : What the-

 **Future Church 2** : Let me just put it this way pal.

_More Churches start popping in to place. One of them is yellow_

"That is not good for the space-time continuum." Yang muttered,

'Did I just see a yellow one?' Blake thought.

 **Future Church 2** : Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does.

_The Churches continue popping in to place and fill the room_

**Gary** (& RWBY): uh oh.

_Cut to many many many Churches talking amongst themselves at the top of the ramp_

**Future Church** : ( _running up the ramp_ ) What the hell is all of this?

"The worst family reunion ever. Of all time." Weiss growled out that last part, 'Just wait out the fucking storm!'

 **Future Church 2** : Oh, here he is. Late again.

 **Future Church** : Who are you guys?

"J-Jerks." (Ruby)

"Assholes." (Weiss)

"Idiots." (Blake)

"Cunts." (Yang)

"Dumbasses." (RWBY)

 **Future Church 2** : We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again.

 **Future Church 4** : I know that man, you told me last time.

 **Future Church 2** : I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!

 **Future Church 4** : Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this.

 **Future Church 9** : Dumbass.

"This is going to get confusing quickly." Weiss groaned as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

 **Future Church 4** : Hey, shut up.

 **Future Church** : How did all you guys screw up?

 **Future Church 2** : Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.

"Seriously!? They asked questions while a bomb is counting down to zero? No wonder they suck." Blake said.

 **Future Church 3** : Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time.

"I-It i-isn't a-a v-ve-very go-g-good i-id-i-idea t-t-to d-di-disarm b-b-bo-bomb wi-w-with ex-e-exp-explosives." Ruby pointed out.

 **Future Church 4** : And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

The RWBYs didn't even dare to comment on that.

 **Future Church** : Why did you do that?

 **Future Church 4** : I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while.

"That is really disturbing." Yang said as everyone shifted away from the TV.

 **Future Church** : Well, what did you do?

 **Yellow Church** : Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it-it didn't work.

"What the hell did he do?" Yang muttered, genuinely curious on what happened.

 **Future Church 72** : So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand.

"He said beforehand twice." Weiss pointed out.

 **Future Church 4** : You said beforehand twice.

"FUCK! THIS! HORSE! SHIT!"

 **Future Church** : Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-

 **Future Churches** : That won't work.

 **Future Church** : Hey I got it, who's the last Church?

 **Future Church 4** : Huh?

 **Future Church** : Which one of you, is the latest version of me?

 **Future Church n** : Um, I guess that would be me. I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done, even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version.

 **Future Church** : Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then.

 **Future Church n** : What do you mean?

 **Future Church** : Well, if you're the last Church, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, still trying to get it right.

"He's actually right." Blake said, "And if he never got it right, there would be an infinite amount of Churches."

"And a lot of migraines." Weiss muttered.

 **Future Church n** : I see.

 **Future Church** : Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already.

"I hate time travel." Yang muttered, "And that's why I don't like Doctor Who!" Suddenly, she got felt a burning sensation on her right cheek. It took her a good few seconds to say that she just got slapped. A lot. She even felt more than a few went for seconds. And thirds. Even tenths, 'I feel ashamed of myself now.' (AN: Okay, even though I don't watch Doctor Who myself, just say Jam if you do. I'm interested in the show but I have a few shows I want to watch before then),

 **Future Church n** : Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea.

 **Future Churches** : Thanks!

 **Future Church 872** : Thanks.

"Too late!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Future Church n** : Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys.

 **Future Church** : What're you gonna do?

 **Future Church n** : You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise.

_Future Church n runs off towards destiny... down the hall_

**Future Church 2** : So what did you do?

 **Yellow Church** : Oh man, seemed like such a good idea at the time.

_Cut to Tex back on Sidewinder_

"Oh come on! I want to see how he became yellow!" Yang exclaimed, "I want details!"

Blake sighed at her partner, "Yang, it's not exactly important."

"But we have to know! Did he mess up reality so he always had yellow armour at some point between Captain Flowers, God bless him, and the bomb exploding? Was it to pretend he was the leader of a different army? Did he unleash something so horrible that he fucking pissed himself to the point of staining his armour yellow at the very presence of this almighty being!?" Yang was breathing heavily after this, which was the only noise in the room. Weiss then decided to break it,

"One, that whole pissing your armour yellow is disgusting and two, maybe he just wanted to change armour colour for some reason or another."

"But here's the question: What made him change?" Yang asked while smiling, 'Man, I can be deep sometimes.'

"Maybe he just got tired of wearing armour from one of the worst armies in existence." Blake was about to stop this conversation before it went on for longer than the actual episode, until she suffered a flash of drowsiness, 'The stupid knock-out gas is still in the air.' Noire saw this opening and quickly went to work before Blake's eyes became pale lightish-red and her pupils became slits,

" _Or maybe he decided to embrace his heritage as your and Weiss' secret love child._ " Noire!Blake suggested as she smiled evilly,

"I guess that make sens-" Then Yang realized what her partner/best friend said, "WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?" The two "lovers" looked at each other and blushed as Weiss stared poking her fingers together, Ruby-style, before her expression changed from disbelief to Weiss' Gamer Rage,

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING SLUT OF AN ASSHOLE! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE HUMAN ANATOMY, MORE OR LESS THE HUMAN FEMALE ANATOMY AND REPRODUCTION SYSTEM!? YOU CUNT ASS FUCKER SHIT! GO BACK TO SCHOOL YOU SHIT AND FIND OUT THAT MY FOOT WILL BE UP YOUR FUCKING ASS AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE TO DOOR TO GO TO YOUR MUMMY AS YOU CRY ABOUT HOW WEISS MOTHERFUCKING SCHNEE KICKED YOUR ASS IN ENGRISH AND TOLD EVERYONE YOU SUCK PROSTITUE TRANVESTITE BALLS AS YOU JERK OFF THE CAFETERIA LADY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE AS EVERYONE THROWS MONEY DOWN YOUR ASS WHILE YOU'RE GETTING ANAL RAPED BY PENNY AND HER ASSORTED COLLECTION OF HELLO KITTY DILDOS! YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING PRINCESS, YOU SON OF A BITCH! AND YES, I SAID  _SON_  YOU BITCH! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE A GIRL N*****!" When Weiss finished, she looked like she just got out of a mental institute, with her hair in a mess and her clothes looking pretty disheveled. When she looked around and saw Yang hiding under Blake's bunk as well as a large wet spot on Yang's chair, she quickly clean herself up and said, "Uh, I mean 1) I would  _never_  get 'involved' with Yang." Emphasized with air quotes, "2) It would be physically impossible for us to bear a child together unless one of us somehow grows a penis, a scrotum and testicles and 3) I would  _never, **ever,**_  get 'involved' with Yang."

"You said that twice." Yang pointed out as she got out of her hiding spot, 'Amateur.' The Ninjas thought at the same time,

"I just wanted to get it through their thick skulls that  **we're not lesbians**!" Weiss explained as she quickly shifted her eyes in a fandom direction, hoping it was Blake, who technically wasn't there,

" _Are you sure? You two have been spending a lot of time together lately_." Noire!Blake pointed out,

"It's only because you and sis are having this stupid Ninja War and-now that I think about it, shouldn't Ruby have responded to this by now?"

"Y-Yeah. I-I-I di-d-did. I-I-It's o-on-on t-th-t-the t-tab-ta-table." Yang raised an eyebrow as the two non-ninjas looked as saw a thin box with pale yellow wrapping paper,

"What's this?" Yang muttered to herself as she unwrapped it and pulled the object from the box. It was picture of Weiss & Yang looking at each other, blushing like earlier, Photoshopped (professionally) so it appeared that their noses were touching. Oh, and the frame was in a shape of a heart with the words 'Bright Ice Forever!' Weiss just stared in horror as she grabbed the picture,

"I. Hate. NINJAS!" Weiss yelled to the heavens as she snapped the frame in half, but the picture was still intact. As soon as the picture hit the ground, Blake came back,

"Like I said, who cares?" Blake said, like nothing has ever happened, "And did I hear something about Hello Kitty Dildos?" (AN: mewdrei everyone!)

 **Tex** : Church! O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up. Get me outta here!

 **Future Church n-17** : You got it. Wait a second, would this be a good thing, or a bad thing?

"I-I-It's a-a-a b-ba-bad th-t-thi-thing." Ruby muttered.

 **Tex** : How is setting me free a bad thing?

 **Future Church n-17** : I'm not sure. If I set you free, will you promise not to get close to me?

 **Tex** : I'm already close to you.

 **Future Church n-17** : No no not me me, the other me me, the one with the bomb.

 **Tex** : What?

"I'm with you sister." Blake said, 'Did I blank out during the conversation Noire?'

' _No *pant* you did *pant* miss *pant* a thing *pant*._ ' Blake raised an eyebrow at her tired-sounding personality but she just shrugged and ignored it.

_Enter Future Church n stage left_

**Future Church n** : Oh right, I forgot, I already set Tex free one of the other times. Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex.

 **Tex** : I'm totally confused.

 **Future Church n** : Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell him that it's okay to set Tex free.

"S-So-Son o-of a-a-a bi-b-bit-bitch." Ruby muttered.

 **Future Church n-17** : It is?

 **Future Church n** : Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay.

 **Tex** : Seriously, this is really confusing.

 **Future Church n-17** : Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya! ( _Runs off_ )

 **Future Church n** : Good luck! ( _To Tex_ ) Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it. And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... well, for a lot of stuff.

"Wow, I guess he really isn't that selfish after all." Weiss admitted, "I kinda respect him for that."

 **Future Church n:**...But, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor.

"And… all that respect is gone."

_Tex runs off_

**Future Church n** : I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! No no no wait, a motorcycle!

"I miss Moto-kun." Yang sobbed,

"It's just a motorcyc-" Blake was then interrupted,

"YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND BLAKE!"

'Next stop in the Fetish Mobile, Crazy Town.' Blake thought.

_Cut to Tucker getting the rocket launcher shot out of his hands for the n+1th time_

**Tucker** : What the hell!?

 **Wyoming** : Sorry Private Tucker but I always get my man. Say goodbye mate.

 **Simmons** : Uh guys? I hate to interrupt, but, zero seconds.

 **Tucker** : Uh oh.

_Future Church n approaches from behind Caboose_

**Caboose** : Church!

"This is the longest zero seconds ever." 'Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, don't say it,' "Of all time!" 'I hate me right now.'

 **Future Church n** : What can I tell you dipshit? For better or for worse, I'm back.

_Halo explodes, for the millionth time, and we fade in to Sarge going ape-shit about the bomb_

**Sarge** : We're all gonna die, starting with Grif! Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye! Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine.

"That's not a pretty image." Blake said, "Going back to the future only to be greeted by Sarge."

_Future Church n, who for the sake of convenience shall simply be called Church from this point forward, pops in to existence and drops down behind Caboose_

**Church** : Hey everybody, what's up?

 **Caboose** : I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!

"Didn't you say that to Ruby that one time we were out?" Weiss asked,

"I thought we were all going to die!" Blake defended,

"Pessimist." Yang muttered. Who knew violence was the answer to disarming it?

 **Church** : That won't be necessary, Caboose. Hey Gary, how ya doin'?

_The computer in the future ends up being Gary, and returns to the green text_

**Gary** : not bad. although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy.

"Sidewinder sure got an upgrade." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : The computer can talk?

 **Grif** : The computer's name is Gary?

 **Gary** : how have you been, church?

 **Church** : Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please?

 **Gary** : no problem.

_The bomb defuses at 0:01, just like all good television bombs do._

Yang went to her luggage and grabbed a buzzer button you find on Game Shows. She went back to her seat and pressed it, "That was easy." The button said,

"Did you really have to do that?" Weiss asked,

"Yes. Yes I do." Yang replied happily.

 **Sarge** : Gahr, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-

 **Gary** : you didn't ask.

 **Sarge** : Ehr, ferkin derglers.

"We should add that to the dictionary." Blake muttered sarcastically,

"I-I-It's a-al-aready i-in i-i-i-it." Ruby said. Before anyone could ask, a large dictionary landed on the table with a big thud. Yang had to sigh and looked up the words,

"'Ferking means…" Yang drifted off quickly as she saw the meaning, "Oh shit."

"What? Ferking doesn't sound that," Weiss was about to finish the sentence but she saw the definition, "Bad."

"I'm not going to search up derglers." Yang said as she threw the book out the window.

 **Church** : Man, it is really great to see you guys.

 **Tucker** : You seem like you're in a good mood.

 **Church** : I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-

 **Caboose** : They could be worse.

"Nope." The RWBYs say.

 **Church** : Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

"There we go."

 **Caboose** : Where have you been?

 **Church** : You want the long version or the short version?

 **Caboose** : I will take the easy version please.

 **Tucker** : Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?

"So… next episode?" Yang asked,

"I-I-I'm go-g-g-going t-to g-ge-get s-so-s-some w-wa-wat-fuck it, m-milk." Ruby said. A few seconds later…

*SPLAT!*

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ON ME!?" Yang exclaimed as she got spattered with white stuff, "Pussy Cat?"

"You don't want to know." Blake simply answered as she picked up the remote,

'I-I-It sm-smells l-like co-coconut.' Ruby noted, 'W-W-With a-a-a hi-h-hint o-o-of t-tu-t-tuna.' When Ruby snapped ut of her thoughts, the next episode started playing.

**(Let's Come To Order)**

_Fade in to the Blues, with Tucker holding the weapon of mass destruction and now a source of Ruby's fantasies_

**Church** : You got this thing where?

 **Tucker** : Right up there.

 **Caboose** : So... You went back in time, and didn't change... anything.

"The only one in history people!" Yang exclaimed,

"How would you know? Maybe this is an alternate reality and the original reality is that Ruby's at Vale, Weiss is on tour and me and Yang are at the beach." Blake said,

"O-O-Or w-we-we d-d-don't ex-e-exist a-at all." Ruby suggested,

"You know, I just wish we aren't some sick person's fantasy." Weiss said, causing some eyebrows to rise. When she only noticed Yang's, she decided to elaborate, "C'mon, we are young, cute, attractive girls trapped in a school with nothing to do and all we have is each other! If it  _was_  some sick person's fantasy, we'd be doing it 24/7 until summer ends but instead we're all yelling at each other and at TVs as we slowly edge towards insanity as we watch a Sergeant McNasty, a Jerkass, a Cuckoolander, a Lazy Asshole, a Kiss-Ass Smart-Ass, a Pervert and a Stupid Evil Villain that embodies every single bad villain trope. I think we're safe from the fantasy thing." Weiss then sat down, not knowing that everyone was thinking,

'Oh my God, this is my life now.'

 **Church** : Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer.

"Who screws up so many times over." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : I would have tried to save your life. ...From me!

 **Church** : Yeah I didn't think of that. Hey, Tucker I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing.

 **Tucker** : You're just pissed because you don't have one.

 **Church** : No, you must have me confused with Tex. She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.

_Cut to Tex staring at the weapon like it's the last piece of cheesecake_

"She must really like that sword." Yang noted,

'IT'S MINE, BITCH!' Both Rubies yelled out in their mind, 'Get your fucking own!'

 **Tex** : ...That's not true.

 **Church** : You haven't taken your eyes off it.

 **Tex** : Yes I have.

 **Church** : Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?

 **Tex** : I'm looking at you right now. ( _Still looking at the sword_ )

Weiss and Blake unconsciously gripped onto Myrtenaster and Gambol Shroud, just to make sure it won't be stolen.

 **Church** : Nu-hoh you're not!

 **Tex** : I've already seen you. Not too impressed.

"That's because he's in armour." Yang said, "But for some reason she's right."

 **Caboose** : I would have tried to save Tex, too...

 **Church** : Well I didn't Caboose, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I sure as hell didn't make millions of copies of myself trying to keep the bomb from goin' off.

 **Caboose** : Oh. Because that was my next suggestion.

"No it wasn't." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline.

 **Caboose** : Time, line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round.

"You know Caboose is right." Blake said, surprising the hell out of her teammates, "If you change anything at all, time will correct itself, basically looping over and over and still getting the same results. Caboose may not know what he's talking about but he just basically explained why Church couldn't change the timeli-time _circle_."

"So the Line is a Lie. Got it." Yang said.

 **Tex** : Man, that thing is really shiny.

 **Tucker** : Yep.

 **Church** : Tucker man, I still think- computer told me that thing is a very important relic, for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that.

 **Tucker** : Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe, me, or some super-smart stupid talking computer?

"I'd listen to the computer." Yang admitted.

_Cut to Sarge addressing Grif and Simmons_

**Sarge** : Men, thanks for meeting on short notice. And so covertly.

 **Grif** : No problem. I had to move my lunch with the Pope, but uh, he was cool with it. He owes me. I helped him pick the hat.

"Wh-W-What's a-a-a P-Pope?" Ruby asked,

"Oh tha-actually, I don't know." Weiss admitted, "It could be some important guy in a stupid hat."

 **Simmons** : Shut up.

 **Sarge** : I don't want the Blues finding out about this meeting, so I want us all to agree here and now we're gonna keep this between ourselves.

 **Grif** : Sir I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly buddy-buddy with those guys anyway.

 **Simmons** : Eh, I'm not really in the market for new friends. I'm not sure that I'm happy with the current crop.

"Aren't you anti-social?" Yang said, 'No wonder Ruby compared herself with Simmons.'

 **Grif** : No offense Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Grif, tell us what you discovered on the radio.

 **Grif** : Me!?

 **Simmons** : Um, actually I'm the one who heard the distress signal.

 **Sarge** : Uh huh, see I thought-

 **Grif** : Yeah, I can't use the radio.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, I discovered the distress signal. That was me.

 **Sarge** : I don't know how I got that mixed up.

"You're old and senile. Of course you would." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : It's okay sir, as long as everyone's clear, who heard it first.

 **Sarge** : Sorry about that Simmons.

 **Grif** : Why do you care?

 **Simmons** : No really sir, it's no problem. I think it's important to get proper credit when some of us are working hard discovering distress signals on the Warthog's radio, while others are hanging out in the back seat, monkeying about!

"Sound familiar?" Weiss asked Yang,

"Uh… nope!"

'Of course.' Weiss thought as she face palmed, remembering all the shit Ruby & Yang did while going to mission locations.

 **Grif** : Okay, first off, monkeying about? And secondly, I don't think listening to the radio classifies as working. And thirdly, monkeying about? Come on, dude.

"He just said it twice." Blake said, "And Sun does that all the time."

' _Like when you and him were,_ '

'Shut up Noire. Just shut up and let me watch.'

 **Simmons** : It's a real phrase.

 **Grif** : Bullshit, that's what you said about horse-doodling.

"Sounds dumb." Yang said without thinking, before flinching just in case RT made a return. She sighed in relief as nothing came.

 **Simmons** : People say it all the time.

 **Grif** : What people.

 **Simmons** : Oh lots of people, all the time. But nobody you would know.

"So absolutely no one says that phrase." Weiss clarified.

 **Sarge** : No need to get upset fellas, I think we're all clear now. Simmons is the one who heard the distress signal, and Grif was the one monkeying around.

 **Simmons** : About.

 **Sarge** : Say who now?

 **Simmons** : Monkeying, about.

"Sh-Shut u-u-up Si-S-Sim-S-Simmons." Ruby said.

 **Grif** : Yeah, people say it all the time sir, you'll wanna get it right. Otherwise you'll sound like a jackass.

"He's already jackass, jackass." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Can we please get back to the purpose of this meeting!?

 **Grif** : Yeah, what is the purpose exactly?

 **Sarge** : I wanted Simmons to tell us he heard a distress signal on the radio. Okay, go ahead Simmons.

 **Simmons** : ... Uhm, I heard a distress signal, while listening to the radio.

"Great Simmons! Very informative! You get a promotion to Kiss-Ass Level 69!" Weiss exclaimed, 'Oh God, I'm turning into Yang.'

 **Grif** : I know, I was in the car with you when you heard it. In fact, why are we even having this meeting? Everyone here already knows you heard a distress signal on the radio.

 **Sarge** : I just wanna make sure everyone is on the same page.

 **Grif** : Same page? There's only one page! You know what the page says? Simmons heard a God damn distress call on the radio, the end.

"I would read that." Blake muttered, "Just make it 299 pages longer."

 **Simmons** : Oh look, down there at the bottom it also says P.S. Grif was monkeying about.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" (brought to you by RWBY)

 **Grif** : Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings, the only person who doesn't know is Donut, and he's not even here!

 **Sarge** : That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting.

_Cut to Donut distracting the Blues. Tex is still staring at the weapon_

**Donut** : And that's the story of how I saved Christmas!

"Been there. Done that." The RWBYs say in unison. And yes, it did involved Yang in a Santa bikini.

 **Caboose** : I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit.

 **Church** : Hey wait a second, why are we letting this pink guy distract us?

 **Donut** : I'm not distracting you.

"Yes you are." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah you are, while we're sitting here jabbering the Reds are over there monkeying about!

 **Donut** : Yes!

"Finally! We can get a break!" Weiss exclaimed as she stretched, "I'm going to go train for a bit." Weiss then grabbed Myrtenaster and went out the room. She wasn't even 10 feet away from the dorm when suddenly, a large amount of explosions, "Too good to be true." Weiss muttered as she walked back. When she opened the door, the whole room was covered in a lot of stuff, from netting to foam. And in the middle of it all was Yang, who was covered in a lot of white stuff and licking some of it off of her hands,

"This is good. What is it Pussy Cat?" Yang asked. She was only met with silence, "Pussy Cat?"

"L-Let's just say a lot of people like stuff like that." Blake answered as she blushed. Yang shrugged and rubbed some of it all over her skin,

"Wow! This feels great! C'mon Weiss, this stuff is amazing! My skin feels like a baby's butt." Weiss only gave her a deadpanned look,

"I'm not cleaning this up."

*SLAM!*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	26. Season Finale-Ninja Arc Over! Get the Hell Out! (Hello, My Name Is Andrew, Defusing the Situation, Calm Before The Storm, The Storm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Load Game... Start!

"Wow." Weiss said as she looked around the dorm, "You actually cleaned everything up Yang."

"Well, with Blake doing who knows what too scared to pick up a mop, I may as well." Yang explained as she wiped off some sweat, "And it was pretty easy. I ate some of it and saved all of it in jars."

"So that explains all the milk in the kitchen." While Weiss & Yang were having this discussion, Blake was blushing madly,

'Do they even know where all that came from?'

' _C'mon Pussy Cat._ ' Noire said, ' _Don't say you didn't enjoy it._ ' Blake paused her thoughts for a second,

'It was pretty fun. But I'm kinda worried when they find out that I put in tuna-flavoured,'

' _Pussy Cat, just let it happen. It will be pretty funny seeing their reactions. Maybe even get Ruby to laugh so much that she'll fall from her hiding place._ ' Blake eyes widened at that,

'You're a genius.'

' _And that's why I'm awesome! You should thank me by indulging into another session of h-_ '

'Fuck. You. Later.' "Hey, we only have 4 episodes left. 4 episode marathon?" Blake asked,

"Sure, why not." Yang replied as she saw the remote disappear, guessing that Ruby took it. Ruby was preparing for the inevitable for Yang's Legendary Explosions, with gas masks for her and Weiss and everything, "Is everyone ready to start!?" Yang asked as she picked up a bowl of popcorn and saw a hand-full getting taken away,

"Ready!" Blake called out,

"Get on with the show!" Weiss said as she got her own bowl,

"G-G-Get re-r-ready f-f-fo-f-for t-th-the l-l-la-l-las-l-l-last ep-e-ep-e-e-episodes o-o-o-o-of-o-of,"

"Get ready for the last episodes of The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 3!" Yang interrupted, getting fed up with the stutter, "GET ON WITH IT!"

"O-Okay." Ruby muttered quietly as she pressed play.

**(Hello, My Name Is Andrew)**

_Fade in to Tex overlooking the Reds_

**Tex** : See? They're down there, messing with the radio.

"Do you mean 'Monkeying about'?" Yang asked, only to get fruit thrown at her, "Oh come on! That wasn't even a pun!"

"We just wanted to get rid of some leftover food." Weiss said as she put away her basket Ruby gave her before she went and became a bitch. Yang just growled.

 **Church** : Oh, so that's what they're doin'.

 **Tex** : Yeah. They must be plotting something.

 **Church** : Or, maybe they're just listening to the radio.

 **Tex** : I know plotting when I see it. That's plotting.

"Ruby said that when we were spying on Torchwick." Blake muttered, remembering that mission. Luckily, nothing went wrong… until the end and Yang got caught in a trap.

 **Tucker** : Maybe they're scheming.

"And that's what Yang said." Blake then remembered a very weird piece about that plan, which was used at the Beacon Assault, 'A Dust Cannon with humans for ammo.' Roman said. Apparently, he had a lot more resources other than the White Fang banding with them, 'So lucky that they're under new management.' Blake thought as she smirked.

 **Tex** : No scheming looks different. That's definitely plotting. They're gonna try something.

"This is a suspiciously familiar argument." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Why? I already told them Red and Blue are the same, it's all a conspiracy.

 **Church** : And I told you that's not true. Vic just made it up to confuse us.

 **Tucker** : That just means he's part of the conspiracy.

"C-Co-Conspiracy The-T-Th-T-The-Theorist m-m-m-mu-much?"

 **Church** : But he's the one that told you Red and Blue are the same.

 **Tucker** : Exactly.

 **Church** : Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?

 **Tucker** : Exactly.

"Brain… not… processing!" Weiss exclaimed, "Brain cells… shrinking!"

 **Church** : You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?

 **Tex** : Look, I don't care about Red, or Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there.

 **Tucker** : Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth.

 **Church** : Secret messages about what!?

 **Tucker** : Exactly.

"I need a drink after this." Weiss muttered, causing Yang to raise an eyebrow, "What? I DRINK FANCY EXPENSIVE WINE, MOTHERFUCKER!"

 **Caboose** : They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio.

 **Church** : What makes you say that?

 **Caboose** : Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car, the Boss Hogg, when Simmin, heard a distress signal, on, the radio, and Gruff was in the back seat. With a monkey.

Blake cleared her throat before taking a deep breath, "Warthog,"

"Puma."

"Shut up Yang. Simmons, Grif and Monkeying About." Blake looked and saw Weiss & Yang holding up a 10 and 8.2 respectively,

"G-Gr-G-Gra-Grammer N-Na-N-Nazi." Ruby muttered, which Blake clearly heard,

"Coward." Blake muttered as well.

 **Tucker** : Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong.

 **Church** : How do you know all this Caboose?

 **Caboose** : Andy told me.

"Andy, who's Andy?" Weiss asked.

 **Church** : Andy, who's Andy?

"Why do I even bother?"

 **Church:** Are you, are you Andy?

 **Tucker** : I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker.

 **Church** : Not, I know, what's your first name?

 **Tucker** : Lavernius.

"That's a weird name." Yang commented,

"Really, Yang Xiao Long?" Weiss Schnee asked. This shut Yang up.

 **Church** : Lavernius, well then who's this Andy g- wait a second... are you black?

"Black!?" The RWBYs exclaimed,

"A-A-As i-in-i-in Bl-B-Bla-B-Blake B-Bl-Black?" Ruby asked,

"I think it's an authenticity." Blake guessed,

"Pussy Cat, what languages can you speak?" Yang asked,

"Japanese, Spanish, Chinese, Hungarian, French, Indian, Blargian, and Latin."

"I-I-Isn't th-t-that e-ei-e-e-eight?" Ruby asked,

"Blargian isn't considered a real language." Yang slammed her fists down,

"I pieced together all the evidence and I have come to a conclusion. He's Hungarian!" Weiss slammed her fists down next,

"OBJECTION!" Weiss exclaimed, "Hungarian isn't a real authenticity! And he's Indi-" She got interrupted by Blake when she slammed her fist against the wall she was standing on (She has really sticky shoes),

"HOLD IT!" Blake yelled, " _Blake, please elaborate that there are more languages than those_."

"Huh?" The RWBYs said, "Did you just ask yourself to elaborate about more than different languages?" Yang asked,

"Huh? What're talking about?" Blake asked before shaking her head, "Oh! I remember. There are about 56 other languages, all of them from ancient times and used by either the police, military and the White Fang to confuse enemies and keep messages secret." Weiss sighed, as she asked Blake what they were.

(A few minutes later…)

"HE'S FROM UKNOWHIAN LAND!" Yang exclaimed,

"Fuck that, HE'S WAS A PYTHAGORAS!" Blake yelled,

"No, I'm telling you he's POKEMON!" Yang screamed out,

"I-I t-th-t-thi-think h-h-he's A-A-Af-Afric-Afr-African." Ruby added in quietly,

"SHUT UP RUBY!"

"S-Sorry."

"You know we're not getting anywhere with this." Weiss pointed out,

"Let's just watch the god damn episode." Blake agreed,

"I still think he's a Pokémon." Yang muttered (AN: Based on something from Rt fan)

 **Tucker** : Me?

 **Church** : Yeah.

 **Tucker** : Does it matter?

"Kinda." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : No. I'm just curious.

 **Tucker** : Well if it doesn't matter then why are you curious?

 **Church** : I don't know, I guess that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.

 **Tucker** : You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

"You know, I'm actually surprised he doesn't know." Weiss said.

_Cut to the Reds, with Gruff Grif sitting in the Hogg_

**Distress Signal** : Distress, distress, help, we don't need any more distress, distress, whoah man, it's a lot of distress.

"That is one distressful signal." Yang stated.

 **Simmons** : That's all it says, it doesn't even say where or who.

 **Sarge** : We know who it is, it's on the Red Army open channel! That means the Reds have survived in to the future. Doncha see what this means?

"There are more flag worshipping idiots?" Blake squeaked, 'I really hate to meet them in real life.'

 **Grif** : Hughhhhhhh, that we have absolutely no hope of ever getting out of this army.

 **Sarge** : No, it means we must have beaten the Blues! Otherwise there wouldn't be any Reds left. Finally, victory is ours! Wait a minute, this means I missed the entire war, aw dammit!

"…I have no words." Weiss admitted,

"Us too." The others said as well.

 **Grif** : Yeah, everything must be great. That's why they sent out a distress signal.

 **Donut** : Maybe it's not a distress signal. Maybe it's a de-stress signal. Maybe it's an open invitation to some formal ball!

"Every princess's fantasy." Blake said, "And Donut's."

 **Grif** : Oh-kay, let's go with Sarge's version.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, have you tracked the source?

 **Simmons** : Well Sir, all I can tell is the direction, I have no idea how far it is.

 **Sarge** : Why not? I thought you were our Unofficial Science Officer.

"What?" Yang asked.

 **Simmons** : That just means I'm smart.

"Oh."

"D-De-Deja v-v-vu." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:** If you want me to multiply two big numbers in my head, that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with no equipment!

 **Grif** : What's thirty-two times, fifty-six?

 **Simmons** : Thirty-one thousand, four hundred fifty-two.

Weiss pulled out a calculator, "Nope, it's 1792, cockbite."

 **Sarge** : Is that right?

 **Simmons** : Yes.

"Nope." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : That's pretty impressive.

"No it isn't." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Eh, you know, it's a gift.

"A very  _special_ gift." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to a shot of the unexploded bomb, and Caboose talking to the Blues_

**Caboose** : This, is Andy. Andy this is Tex, and Tucker. Uh, the black one is Tex, and the other black one is Tucker.

"One, that's racist! And Two, he's talking. To a bomb. That nearly killed them all not even an hour ago." Weiss said slowly,

"He's not dumb, he's fucking insane." Yang said.

 **Tucker** : Andy's the bomb?

 **Caboose** : Uhhh, Andy prefers the term "Explosive American."

'A-Mer-I-Can?' The RWBYs thought slowly.

 **Tucker** : Are you making fun of me?

 **Caboose** : He told me all about what the Reds are up to. Didn't you Andy...

 **Andy** : ...

"Very talkative, isn't he?" Yang mumbled.

 **Caboose** : Yes. -and then we talked about, all our adventures, did you know that he used to know Sheila? Isn't that right Andy?

 **Andy** : ...

"I miss Shelia." Blake said sadly. At least they could believe it,

"Me too." Yang sobbed.

 **Tucker** : Ehm, Caboose, are you hearing the bomb talk right now?

 **Caboose** : Say something Andy. You are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

 **Tex** : Caboose, I think you're losing it.

"Us too, dude." Weiss said.

 **Tucker** : Also I wouldn't really call us 'friends,' we're more like acquaintances or, people who work with other people they hate.

Weiss gave a look to Yang who only embarrassingly rubbed the back of her neck and grinned.

_Cut to Church talking with Gary_

**Church** : Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the Alien race that needs Tucker's sword.

 **Gary** : i do not know anything about them.

"Wow." Blake muttered as she face palmed, "Just wow."

 **Church** : You don't know anything about the Aliens that programmed you?

 **Gary** : correct. instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race.

"Well that's just fucking useful right now." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : You mean Humans.

 **Gary** : that is not what they call you. but correct.

 **Church** : Why, what do they call us?

 **Gary** : ...shisno.

Blake & Noire smirked at the same time, 'New  _ammo_.'

 **Church** : That's an insult, isn't it.

 **Gary** : perhaps this can best be explained in the form of a knock knock joke.

 **Church** : ( _sigh_ )

 **Gary** : knock knock.

 **Church** : Who's there.

"SHUT THE HELL UP! KNOCK KNOCK JOKES SUCK!" Yang yelled out,

"So do puns…" Blake muttered,

"PUNS ARE AWESOME! DON'T KNOCK IT 'TIL YOU TRY IT!"

*Splat!*

*Sigh* "I kinda saw that coming." Yang muttered as she wiped off the Dragon Fruit.

 **Gary** : you are

 **Church** : You are who?

 **Gary** : you are a dirty dirty shisno. ha ha ha.

"WEAK!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Church** : Alright, what does it mean?

 **Gary** : what is the most foul-smelling animal on your planet?

Everyone shuddered at that, 'Static Flatus, the lightning farter skunk.'

 **Church** : Uhm, a skunk. Wait so Shisno means skunk?

 **Gary** : not exactly. does a skunk defecate?

 **Church** : Yes...

 **Gary** : and does the skunk's defecation in turn produce its own excrement?

"OH! That is just wrong!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Church** : Ew, no

 **Gary** : then there is no equivalent for shisno in your language.

 **Church** : Gross.

 **Gary** : like you would not believe.

"N-No m-m-mo-more i-in-inf-in-i-information." Ruby said as she clutched her head, trying to repress the image created in her head.

 **Church** : Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?

 **Gary** : the bomb? no. never.

 **Church** : Yeah, I didn't think so.

"We thought so either." Blake muttered.

 **Gary** : andy and i are not on speaking terms right now.

 **Church** : Heh heh yeah. Wait, Andy?

"Wait, what?"

 **Gary** : correct. he is kind of a jerk.

 **Andy** : I'm not the jerk, you're the jerk, jerk!

"DID IT JUST TALK!?" Weiss exclaimed as she flipped out of her chair,

"Wait, Tex made a talking bomb named Andy?" Yang asked as she was now questioning Tex's logic.

 **Gary** : that was very rude.

 **Andy** : Ah, shut up ya Shisno!

"What's the point of making a talking bomb?" Blake had to ask,

"U-Uh… c-co-c-con-convenience?" Ruby answered, "An-Anyway, ne-nex-next e-ep-e-episode?" Ruby asked as she dropped the remote on Weiss,

"OW! SON OF A BITCH!" Weiss yelled out in pain,

"S-Sorry."

"HOW HEAVY IS THIS REMOTE!?" Weiss asked as she picked up the… not the remote, "It's a rock." Then the rock disappeared,

"I-I-It's o-o-okay T-T-Terra-chan, i-i-it's a-a-alright." Ruby whispered as she stroked the flat rock, "Th-They s-s-sa-said I-I co-couldn't ha-h-ha-hav-have a pu-pup-p-puppy…"

"She made Terra-chan up when I got Moto-kun." Yang whispered to Weiss before she cried, "MOTO-KUN! WHY!?" Weiss finally snapped at Yang,

"WILL SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID BIKE!?" Yang quickly gave the death glare,

"Shut. Your. Mouth." Yang growled slowly,

"S-Sh-She d-do-does ha-h-ha-have a-a-a p-p-po-poi-po-point." Ruby pointed out, "Re-R-Remember t-th-t-the tr-tro-t-trouble y-yo-you g-go-g-got i-in wi-wit-with i-it? L-Li-Like t-th-tha-t-that ti-t-time y-yo-y-you tr-t-tried t-t-to b-be a-a c-c-c-cop?"

(FLASHBACK!)

"HALT IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!" Yang yelled in her police costume,

"OH SHIT, IT'S THE CRAZY CHICK AGAIN! DRIVE YOU IDIOT! DRIVE!"

"I'M TRYING!" His accomplice yelled at him, "I HAVE TO WATCH THE FUCKING ROAD!"

"EVIL BEWARE MOTHERFUCKERS! MOTOCOP AND MOTO-KUN ARE HERE!"

(END FLASHBACK!)

"Right, I remember that." Blake said, "That was Yang?"

"Y-Y-Yep. Sh-S-She g-go-got a-ar-arrested f-fo-for be-b-bei-being a-a v-vig-vi-vigilante. An-And th-then th-there w-wa-was t-th-the t-ti-t-time we-we g-go-g-got he-her a sc-sco-s-scooter…"

(FLASHBACK!)

"Scooter Patrol, Scooter Patrol, Scooter Wheelie~AH SHIT!"

*CRASH!*

"Sc-Scooter Patrol down."

(END FLASHBACK!)

"Sh-S-She ke-kept s-si-sin-s-singing t-th-t-tha-that s-st-stu-s-stupid s-so-song un-u-u-until sh-s-she g-go-got he-h-her bi-b-b-bike ba-back." (AN: From reven228)

"Can we stop talking about Yang being the worst police officer ever, of all time." 'FUCK!' "And back to watching?" Weiss asked. When she was sure everyone was ready, she pressed play.

**(Defusing The Situation)**

_Fade in to the Blues_

**Tucker** : You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk.

 **Caboose** : I'm not telling you that, he's telling you that.

"Well, he's right ya know?" Blake pointed out.

 **Andy** : Yeah, and I'm standing right here. You can talk to me.

 **Tucker** : If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this.

"Maybe he has an explosive personality." Yang said, with everyone's response being shown through more fruit.

 **Andy** : What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?

"It's a freaking bomb! Of course I won't talk to it." Weiss said, "Especially if it almost killed us all not even a moment ago."

 **Church** : Maybe it's a good idea not to piss off the explosive device.

 **Tex** : I agree.

 **Church** : I wasn't talking about you Tex.

 **Tex** : Hey, why don't you suck my –

' _Dildo, dildo, dildo, DILDO!'_

'I swear to God, as soon as I find out how to, YOU'RE LEAVING MY HEAD!'

' _No I won't~'_

'Just shut up…'

 **Tucker** : Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?

 **Church** : Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it.

 **Tucker** : Oh. That's not good.

 **Andy** : I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And no one did ask me which I find insulting!

"Oh shit no to the shisno!" Yang, once again, punned,

"For the love of fucking God, I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR TOUNGE AND FEED IT TO THE GRIMM!" Blake yelled at the punny blonde, "Puns suck!"

"No they don't." Yang muttered as they kept watching.

 **Church** : Alright, alright calm down Andy, calm down.

 **Andy** : Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!

"A calm person doesn't yell." Weiss said calmly,

"B-B-Bu-B-But y-you're n-n-n-not ca-c-cal-calm mo-m-most o-o-of th-t-the t-ti-time." Ruby pointed out,

"Shut the hell up Ruby before I tear gas the room." Weiss replied calmly as she pulled out the gas. This shut the Ninja Rose up.

 **Church** : Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown.

 **Andy** : ( _under Church_ ) Look at me! I'm calm!

 **Caboose** : Andy, everyone here is your friend. And no one wants to hurt you.

 **Andy** : Yeah right.

"Unless you do Tucker's method of disarming bombs." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?

 **Andy** : Being in the middle of a huge explosion!

"Too happy!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Church** : Less happy place Caboose, less happy place.

 **Caboose** : Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-

"SHUT UP!" (RWBY, at the same time of following dialouge)

 **Tex and Tucker** : NO!

 **Church** : ( _at the same time_ ) Duck!

_Cut to the Reds, Simmons in the Warthog and Grif next to it_

**Simmons** : Okay. I'm ninety-five percent certain that the distress signal is coming from that way.

 **Sarge** : Excellent work Simmons. Alright men... and Grif. Let's get ready to roll.

 **Grif** : Only ninety-five percent certain?

"You got to have variables into account." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : Grif, if there's one thing that I've learned in working with you? It's that there's always margin for error.

"Like I sai-"

"BURN!"

*Sigh* "Yes Yang, that was a burn."

 **Sarge** : Excellent comeback Simmons. That's a burn.

 **Simmons** : Thank you Sir.

 **Grif** : Har har. Look who's so smart. It's pronounced margarine dumbass.

"Margarine is something you put on bread." Weiss explained, "A margin is the difference of success and failure or to that degree. Like Grif's intelligence and the mind of A GRIMM!"

 **Simmons** : Seriously, if I ever meet the guy that assigned you to our squad, I'm gonna kill him.

 **Grif** : Well if you're ninety-five percent certain it's that way, which way's the other five percent?

 **Simmons** : Whaddaya think, all the other directions.

 **Grif** : Then I think that's the way we should go.

 **Simmons** : You might be, the dumbest person I have ever met.

"Of all time."

*HEAD DESK!*

 **Grif** : And I think you're just covering your ass.

 **Donut** : ( _running up_ ) Hey Sarge!

 **Simmons** : What? I'm not covering my ass, you're the one trying to cover yours!

 **Grif** : No way.

"If I just jumped into this conversation, I'd be backing the hell away." Yang admitted.

 **Sarge** : Stop arguing you two. Simmons isn't covering his ass, and Grif certainly isn't coverin' his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, whadda you want?

 **Donut** : Uh... is that a trick question?

 **Sarge** : Donut...

 **Donut** : Well, I was up on the windmill again, and I think I found a route we can take outta here.

"And that place was just starting to feel like home." Weiss muttered sarcastically.

 **Sarge** : Great! Simmons, load up. Donut, you back up Simmons.

 **Donut** : Yes Sir, okey dokey.

 **Sarge** : Grif, you get in the base and distract the Blues while we get ready to leave.

"Another last ditch effort to ditch Grif." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : You're sending Grif?

 **Grif** : Mokay, be right back.

 **Simmons** : Grif!? Don't you remember the last time you sent him to distract Command during our surprise inspection? He told them we were all in the base doing last minute cleaning, because we all had Cholera, and we were in quarantine for a month. My ass still hurts from all the shots we got.

"Oh God, they went through that too scenario too!?" Yang shouted out, bringing up very bad memories,

"No! Do  _not_ bring that situation back up!" Weiss snapped, "I don't need to remember how the Dorm Leader was inspecting rooms and we were forced to get so many fucking shots I swore for a second there I was a pin cushion!"

"I-I sa-s-said I-I w-w-w-wa-was s-sorry." Ruby whimpered,

"You made them think we had rabies too!" Blake growled, "My ass was running out of places to stab by then."

"And then you somehow convinced them that it could all be cured through our bowels." Yang added in, "WE ALL WERE FORCED FED A TRUCK LOAD'S WORTH OF LAXITIVE!" As if on cue, Yang's stomach growled, but she had a strong stomach so it'll probably take a few more episodes for it to kick in, "EACH!"

"S-Sorry…"

"And when that didn't work, they,"

"I SAID WAS SORRY!" Ruby yelled out, freaking her teammates out, "S-Sorry."

"I-It's okay Ruby. We're sorry too." Weiss said before they went back to watching (AN: Iron-Mantis everyone!)

 **Donut** : Yeah, you could say that again, mine hurts too!

 **Simmons** : You weren't even there, Donut.

 **Donut** : Oh. I thought we were just sharing stuff.

 **Grif** : ( _from near the base_ ) Wait a second, you guys better not just be sending me so you can run off once I'm inside!

 **Sarge** : Of course not moron, now hurry up!

"In 3. 2. 1." Yang counted down.

_Grif enters the base_

**Sarge** : Okay, everybody in the jeep.

"There we go."

_Cut to Grif entering the base, eavesdropping on the Blues_

**Caboose** : You are in a cool river, where no one disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

 **Tex** : Breathe in through your nose ( _takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth_ ) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose ( _takes a breath_ ), and out through the mouth.

Yang really wanted to say something about that, but in all honesty, she was creeped the hell out by all of that.

 **Church** : Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

 **Gary** : hey andy, knock knock.

 **Andy** : Who's there.

 **Gary** : inner peace and serenity.

 **Andy** : I already heard that one.

"This is creepy beyond belief." Weiss said, slightly creeped out, "And I know why they're doing it."

_Grif backs cautiously out of the base of crazy people, and returns to the Reds_

**Sarge** : And when we get there, we'll radio Command and say we need a replacement, because we have absolutely no idea what happened to- oh Grif!

 **Simmons** : What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.

"It was more of observing something very disturbing." Blake said, also creeped out.

 **Sarge** : What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?

 **Grif** : You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.

"I-I wo-wou-w-would qu-q-quit b-b-be-being a-a Hu-H-Huntress i-i-i-if I-I sa-s-saw s-so-something li-l-li-like th-t-that." Ruby admitted.

 **Sarge** : If only I could make that happen dirtbag.

 **Grif** : I mean it, just tell me where to turn in my gun, I'm done.

"Please tell me this is the end of the episode." Weiss said.

_Camera zips around the terrain, through some nooks and one cranny, to the Lopez head and a robot army_

**Lopez** : Come my robot army. Today is the day of our glorious victory.

"Oh shit…" The RWBYs said,

"Wait, how did Lopez build any of them?" Yang asked,

"He must be one determined bodiless robot." Blake answered.

 **O'Malley** : Huhuhuhahaha. Careful you fools, I need the device intact, muhahahahahahahaha. Now kill all those fools! And those fools over there. And, those fools. Leave no fool left unkilled. This army has a no fool discrimination clause, muahaha.

 **Doc** : I like that we have a no fool discrimination clause. It makes us progressive!

 **O'Malley** : Shut up you fool.

"Too many 'fools' in one minute." Weiss muttered before the remote disappeared, "O'Malley is getting worse and worse each episode until he becomes a flat-out villain." Weiss said as she pinched the bridge of her nose,

"He's getting more evil each episode?" Yang guessed,

"Nope, he's just getting worse and worse until he's a flat-out moron."

"I'm just glad I'm a Hero." Blake said as she gave a sigh of relief,

"Bu-But di-d-didn't I s-se-s-see y-you st-s-steal Py-P-Pyhrra's pa-p-pan-panties be-"

"OLD HABITS DIE HARD!" Blake interrupted, 'I need to set down more traps.'

' _I've got the locations._ '

'Thanks O.B.'

' _O.B?'_

'You know, Other Blake. I can't keep calling you Noire all the time.'

'… _Stick with Noire.'_

'Yep.' Blake then aimed at the TV and pressed play.

**(Calm Before The Storm)**

_Fade in to Simmons talking to Sarge from the safe confines of the Warthog_

**Simmons** : Okay, so let me get this straight... they were talking, to the bomb.

 **Grif** : Dude, I don't know. They mentioned something about candles and a bubble bath, and they were playing some kind of a New Age CD. It's like a Yanni fan club meeting.

"The fuck is Yanni?" Yang asked,

"Some pianist according to Google." Blake answered as she looked it up,

"Hehehehe, pianist."

"Like a young kid trapped in a woman's body." Weiss muttered, "A young kid with Shot-Gauntlets and a grasp of every swear in the English language."

 **Sarge** : That makes no sense at all. Did you wanna translate for us Pinky Pants?

 **Donut** : My guess is that they're trying to get the bomb to do something for 'em.

"Yes, by not exploding." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : And all that sweet talk and candles will work on a bomb.

 **Donut** : It would work on me!

"That's because you're more 'wo' than 'man'." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : Doncha see what they're tryin' to do?

 **Grif** : No. Isn't that the point of this conversation?

 **Sarge** : The Blues are obviously trying to coax the bomb in to rearming. They're about to launch an attack. On us!

"You know Tex could always rearm the bomb. She did make it." Blake pointed out, "Then again, she did make a talking bomb…"

 **Grif** : Why would they do that?

 **Sarge** : Because they're Blues. Somebody get this kid the manual.

 **Simmons** : Oh-ho, I hate the Blues.

 **Sarge** : That's the spirit Simmons.

_Cut to several Lopezes in formation_

**O'Malley** : Hoohoohoohohahaha. And now the hour is at hand. It is time, my robot minions.

 **Doc** : He means robot miniones. Where's your cultural sensitivity?

"Evil doesn't have sensitivity." Yang said evilly, "That's why they suck at shooters."

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up. At last, we will seize our destiny!

 **Doc** : Do we really have to seize destiny? Can't we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?

 **O'Malley** : Quiet you fool. And quit sending me those invites. They're repulsive. Prepare for battle! We will break upon their fortress like an evil wind!

 **Doc** : Oh.

 **O'Malley** : Crushing our opponents with lightning speed! Attack!

 **Robot Army** : Charge.

_The Robot Army starts walking slowly forward_

"Th-T-This, i-i-i-is o-o-odd-od-oddly fa-f-fa-familiar." Ruby said.

(FLASHBACK!)

"Wow… I'm so scared. Roman sent us the slowest robots in existence with big guns. I'm so scared. I am literally trembling in my high heeled boots as they approach us menacingly. Peeing in my panties as they take the smallest steps I've ever seen."

"Weiss, your jinxing it."

"Oh grow up Yang. A snail can walk faster than them! A fish can walk faster than them! I mean, is Torchwick  _really_  that stupid!? Hell, at this rate it'll take a whole day to hit us."

" **PARTIALLY CORRECT. PROGRAM STATES THAT TEAM RWBY MUST BE ELIMINATED IN 24 HOURS EXACTLY. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION IN 3. 2. 1. DESTROY!** "

"You had to jinx it."

"Shut up, Blake. You got beaten by a guy with a cane."

(END FL;ASHBACK!)

'And that was the longest battle in our lives.' Real Ruby thought.

 **O'Malley** : You there, hurry along. And you in the back. You- Lopez, can't you speed them up?

 **Lopez** : This is their maximum velocity.

 **O'Malley** : This isn't what I asked for.

 **Lopez** : You said you wanted a day of victory. At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.

" Lopez is very specific, huh?" Blake said.

 **O'Malley** : Heuh...

 **A Robot** : Charge.

"Like a snail." Weiss said, only to get slapped in the back of the head,

"Jinx." Yang simply said when Weiss glared at her.

_Cut to the Blues_

**Church** : So we cool here?

 **Tucker** : I think we're finally calmed down.

 **Caboose** : Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all anymore.

"Both emotionally and physically." Yang added in.

 **Andy** : Hey, are you talkin' about me?

 **Church** : What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever.

 **Andy** : Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me.

 **Church** : No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.

 **Tex** : Excuse me?

 **Church** : ( _whispering to Tex_ ) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. ( _To Andy_ ) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.

'SAY YES!' The Rubies (and I mean  _all of them_ ) yelled out, "Ow." Ninja Ruby said as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Tex** : Church...

 **Andy** : I don't know...

 **Tucker** : Come on Tex.

 **Tex** : Yes. We're talking about me.

'FUCK YOU BITCH!'

'Why do I have the feeling Ruby is yelling. A lot of Rubies.'

 **Andy** : Sounds like you're patronizing me.

 **Tex** : No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.

Ruby could help but laugh at that while the others settled for a snicker, 'Badass being a Bitch.'

 **Church** : Heh heh, keep going.

 **Tex** : And I need to be calmed down all the time.

 **Church** : Or what happens?

 **Tex** : Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.

"…Well, that's one valid reason." Weiss said.

 **Church** : ...I see your point.

 **Caboose** : Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.

 **Tucker** : Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.

*Sigh* "I miss that tradition." Yang said, remembering all the nuts she's cracked in one night. She was sure she made a few lose fertility but they were assholes, jerks and rude people who hit on her. Cardin for example.

 **Caboose** : That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.

"No wonder he got visited every night." Blake muttered, but couldn't help but picture Tex in a Tooth Fairy Costume. And since she wasn't sure what she looked like under her armour… you should get the picture.

 **Andy** : Well, she sounds like a real handful.

 **Tex** : Alright listen you little noob firecracker.

 **Church** : Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile.

 **Tex** : I am so gonna remember this Church.

"A-Already re-r-re-rem-remembered," Ruby said happily as she pulled out the tape of Tex insulting herself.

 **Caboose** : You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.

 **Church** : Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.

_Explosions happen outside the base behind him_

"Well, there goes the calm and peaceful!" Yang exclaimed, ready for more action scenes.

 **O'Malley** : ( _from outside_ ) Attack, my robot minions.

 **Church** : I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.

"That has been happening a lot lately." Weiss said, "To them and us."

_A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds_

**Sarge** : What the hell was that?

 **Simmons** : It sounded like a huge explosion!

"No shit, Sherlock!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Chantilly lace! That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.

"Still messed up logic there." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?

 **Sarge** : Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

 **Grif** : ...We're in battle?

"I guess the explosion wasn't much of a clue." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!

 **Donut** : Yes Sir.

 **Sarge** : Scream like a woman!

 **Donut** : Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! ( _Runs wildly and continues screaming through the rest of the episode. See below_ )

"Perfect for the lightish-red man-woman." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Grif!

 **Grif** : What.

 **Sarge** : Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

 **Grif** : I don't think I've been trained on that.

"Too lazy to die. How sad." Blake muttered. She actually meant that.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, kiss ass at will.

 **Simmons** : You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man Sir.

 **Sarge** : Excellent work Simmons. Incoming.

_Sarge and Grif duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads_

**Sarge** : Grif, you're up.

 **Grif** : Permission to assist Donut, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.

 **Simmons** : Good call Sir!

"They're all going to die." Weiss flat out said,

"Yes. Yes, they are." The others added in.

 **Sarge** : You're on your way to a medal, Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around. Purple Heart for Grif, Pink Heart for Donut, and a Brown Nose for Simmons.

"Okay, it's the last episode." Yang stated as she picked up the remote, "Any predictions." This was answered in silence before everyone agreed and said,

"They're going to die."

"Pessimists." Yang muttered, though secretly agreeing and saying, "Time to end Part 3 of the Blood Gulch Chronicles!" before she pressing the all-powerful play button.

**(The Storm)**

_Fade in to the fan in front of the base, which the Robot Army (eventually) walks past_

"Worst opening scene ever. Of all time." Weiss said. She felt that it was justified to add that last part.

 **Robot Army** : Charge.

 **O'Malley** : Hu hu hoh, for God's sake. Will you hurry up! Lopez, I'm disappointed in your work. These minions are much too slow.

 **Lopez** : I think they are moving along nicely.

 **O'Malley** : You fool! You don't even have legs, and you still got up here faster than them!

"Which is still physically confusing and impossible." Blake muttered.

 **Lopez** : Hey, you're the brains in this operation. I'm just the brawn.

"You know, we're going to run out of shit to say about Lopez not having a body." Yang pointed out, "But it's sssssooooo easy to make fun of. Hey, the bodiless brawn of Spanish Land!"

 **Doc** : They may be slow, but their posture is excellent!

 **O'Malley** : Huhhg...

 **Doc** : A for effort, Lopez!

_Cut to Sarge_

**Sarge** : I think they're distracted. Let's use this chance to slip away.

 **Simmons** : Great idea, Sir. I have a lock on the distress signal. We can head right for it.

 **Sarge** : Good thinking Simmons. Everybody in the jeep.

 **Simmons** : Shotgun!

 **Grif** : Shotgun! Fuck.

 **Donut** : Shotgun's lap!

 **Simmons** : Fuck!

"Well, that got switched around pretty quickly." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : There's just no room for four people. Someone will have to jog alongside. Grif?

 **Grif** : Jog? What's that?

"Of course…" Weiss muttered as she face palmed, "He doesn't even know what a 'Jog' is."

 **Simmons** : It's like running slowly, dear God you don't know what jogging means?

 **Grif** : Yeah, you lost me at running. Sorry, it's not in my contract.

"Um, I'm sure it's on the contract of being a soldier. Like our's." Yang said. Weiss only raised an eyebrow,

"I don't think Beacon has contracts." Weiss pointed out,

"Did you sign one?"

"No, my butlers & maids did that for me."

"Well, me and Ruby signed them and I'm sure Blake did as well. Ruby? Do you mind?"

"N-Not at-at-at a-al-all." Ruby said. A few seconds later, four sets of papers appeared on the table. Weiss saw her one and read it,

"Yang, they're not contracts."

"Huh?"

"They're liability papers in case we die." Weiss read a little bit more, "For a variety of situations including being mauled by an Ursa to… space/time travel? Beacon really is prepared for anything."

 **Donut** : Oh, don't worry, I'll do it. Just give me one second while I put my jogging shorts on.

 **Grif** : Wait. I wanna reconsider.

 **Donut** : Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?

 **Sarge** : No one's fallin' for that twice, Donut.

"I don't want to know what happened." Blake said, 'But I kinda want to at the same time.'

_Cut to Tex peering out a window at the Robot Army_

**Tex** : Alright, I think I can take 'em. I just need a better weapon.

"U-U-Use y-yo-your o-o-own sk-s-skull an-and us-u-use i-i-it a-as a-a-a fl-f-flail." Ruby suggested,

"We have officially run out of areas to shift away from." Yang stated, "Ruby, can you,"

"N-N-No!"

"Aw…"

 **Tucker** : Want me to help you find one?

 **Tex** : Mm, why don't you just give me your sword?

 **Tucker** : No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.

"That's what she just said." Blake pointed out.

 **Tex** : That's what I just said.

"At least I have a respectable character to copy." Weiss only growled in response, "Oh shut up, ya shisno."

"Oh fuck you, Faunus." Weiss said as she flipped the cat girl off, where ever she was,

"Says the girl in the cat cosplay!"

"We-you know, I give up. J-Just fuck you, dude. Fuck you."

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

 **Tex** : You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God, Tucker, look! Hot chicks.

 **Tucker** : Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.

"Well, at least he isn't," Yang was interrupted when Weiss held up her hand,

"Wait for it."

 **Tex** : Now the hot girls are makin' out.

 **Tucker** : Okay, that's worth the risk. ( _Turns around_ ) Eauhw, crap.

_Tex hits Tucker from behind and knocks him out, just like she planned_

"And thus his perverted tendencies have become his downfall." Blake muttered.

_Cut to Caboose talking with Andy... the bomb_

**Caboose** : Just stay calm Andy... everything will be fine.

 **Andy** : I'm okay, really. I like explosions. You on the other hand look a little nervous.

 **Caboose** : You know, I always get a little nervous during battles. ...I think it's 'cause we never win.

 **Andy** : Eh, don't sweat it. If they get in the base, I'll just explode and kill everybody.

 **Caboose** : Wouldn't that kill us too... Andy?

 **Andy** : Hey. You can't make an omelets without blowin' up a few eggs.

'That's what Yang said at that mandatory cooking class.' Real Ruby thought, 'A-Am I-I-I in-i-ins-insane?' Ninja Ruby thought.

 **Caboose** : ( _long pause_ ) ...I like eggs.

 **Andy** : Me too.

_Cut to Church talking to Gary_

**Church** : Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?

"Then it would be Great Destroyer _s._ " Blake pointed out.

 **Gary** : no, the great destroyer is a single person who will come to claim the great weapon

 **Church** : Yeah, that's great.

 **Gary** : prepare, one and all. the fulfillment of the great prophecy is at hand.

 **Church** : So you have no good news for me today.

 **Gary** : orange you glad i didn't say banana?

"WEAK!" Yang exclaimed,

"Are you seriously going to do that for every weak joke?" Weiss asked in annoyance,

"Yep." Weiss could only sigh and face palm at the answer.

_Cut to the Reds' jeep careening under bare minimum control down a really gradual slope behind a robot_

**Sarge** : Let's go men.

 **Grif** : One of them's following us.

 **Sarge** : We're going too slow! We have to leave someone behind.

"So, a military-grade all terrain vehicle can't carry more than 3 people?" Yang asked, "The military are really cheaping out of some stuff."

"You have to remember that the jeep was rebuilt with limited resources so it may have affected it's horsepower." Blake said.

 **Grif** : Not it.

 **Simmons** : Not it.

 **Donut** : What? No way! You're leaving me behind?

 **Sarge** : Sorry Donut, but military law is very clear in regard to the "not it" methodology for making decisions.

"I-I-Is th-t-that tr-t-true?" Ruby asked,

"No." The others quickly responded.

 **Donut** : Aw man, there's still so much about the army I don't understand.

"It's the other way around, dumbass." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Here he comes!

"At 0.2cm an hour!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Donut, you hide here and wait for the guy tailing us. Then when he passes, shoot him square in the back and watch him die. Just like John Wayne would have done.

 **Grif** : Hurry up guys, he's getting closer! No wait, no he, yeah he is getting closer. No, yes!

 **Donut** : All this retreating, and shooting people in the back, doesn't sound very noble.

"War isn't noble unless you die for your cause. Applies to both sides." Blake muttered. It was one of the things the White Fang told her before they underwent new management, 'I guess that's one thing that'll keep with me until the end.'

 **Sarge** : We're not retreating, we're advancing! Towards future victory!

 **Donut** : How'm I gonna find you guys?

 **Simmons** : Just follow the distress signal to its source, you'll find us there.

 **Donut** : But I don't have a way to track it!

 **Sarge** : ... Excellent point Donut.

_The jeep drives off, thoughtfully carrying Sarge, Grif and Simmons with it_

Blake had to admit, even though she didn't really like anyone in the Reds, she had to admit that was just cruel to leave him to deal with the robot… but then again, the robot was going as fast as Big the Cat, 'He is the shame to all Cat Faunus everywhere.

 **Donut** : Thank you Sir. Ohh... ( _Sighs. Lip smacking sounds as he watches the robot painfully slowly advance_ ) Uhh, God. Well, I've got some time.

_Cut to the robot army shooting one at a time at ...something_

**Robot 4** : Attack.

 **Robot 1** : Attack.

 **Robot 3** : Attack.

*Yawn!* "You know what; I officially declare that O'Malley's army are worse than either the Reds or Blues." Yang said,

"Really?" Weiss & Blake asked,

"At least the Reds & Blues were entertaining." Yang mumbled.

 **O'Malley** : ( _evil laugh_ ) Fastar! Fastar! Pathetic. Lopez! How do I say faster in Spanish?

 **Lopez** : Como dice socero, socero. Socero socero socero, cerocero.

 **O'Malley** : Yes... So okay... What? Okay, got it.

 **O'Malley** : Huhuh, soy un pendejo púrpuras que gusta tomar aceite.

 **Caption** : Hey everyone! I am a purple jerk and I love to drink motor oil.

Blake held back the laughter coming from her throat, 'Oh my God, I should really get more people to insult themselves in different languages more often.'

' _Make 'em talk dirty to you! Make them say that they are your slaves an-'_

'For the love of God, Noire, SHUT THE HELL UP!'

 **O'Malley** : That was rather looong to mean hurry up.

 **Lopez** : It's a very poetic language.

 **Donut** : ( _arriving behind a rock_ ) Oh man, it's that creepy dude! I wonder why he's insulting himself.

 **Donut** : Qué curioso.

 **Caption** : How strange.

Suddenly, something in the team's head shattered, "DONUT CAN SPEAK SPANISH!?"

"You know, if Donut was there more often, maybe they would be able to understand Lopez better." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Ooh, the motorcycle!

"Moto-kun…" Yang sobbed,

"D-Do y-y-yo-you w-w-w-want t-to pe-p-pet T-T-Terra-chan?" Ruby asked as her pet rock landed on Yang's lap,

*Sigh* "Yes." Yang said tearfully as she petted it,

"What is up with their family and inanimate objects?" Weiss whispered as she kept a straight face,

"I just hope it doesn't affect us." Blake whispered back.

 **O'Malley** : Mi cola es muy grande. Y mi gusta frotar mi cola. Y quiero oler mi cola e también besar, a mi cola.

 **Caption** : My butt is very big. And I like to rub my own butt. And I like to sniff my own butt and kiss my own butt.

"Very mature there, Lopez." Weiss muttered.

 **O'Malley** : Are you sure cola means evil?

 **Lopez** : Hey boss, someone is stealing your vehicle.

 **O'Malley** : Ueuh, drat! I only had two payments left!

"Of something Lopez built and that their 2000 years into the future where possibly there's no insurance policy? What a great use of money." Yang muttered, 'SHE'S PETTING HER TOO MUCH!' Both Rubies yelled out in their mind, 'C-Can't r-ri-risk ge-g-getting s-sp-s-spotted n-now. I-I-I'll ge-get i-it wh-when sh-s-she's n-n-not t-t-touching h-h-her.'

 **Lopez** : Do you have insurance on it?

 **O'Malley** : Of course not. It's a scam.

"Again, great use of money."

 **Lopez** : Why not? We live in a bad neighborhood.

 **O'Malley** : Of course we live in a bad neighborhood. We're evil doers! We're what makes the neighborhood bad.

_Cut to Church_

**Church** : Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

 **Tucker** : Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

 **Church** : Hey good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.

"That backfired." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

 **Church** : Hey, where's your weapon?

 **Tucker** : Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!

 **Church** : Oh man, this is not gonna be good.

"Wait a minute." Blake said as she paused the video, "Gary said that the Great Destroyer would be the one who'd claim the sword, so that would mean that it would be either Tucker or…"

"T-Tex." Ruby growled, 'E-Even m-m-mo-more re-r-rea-reasons t-to ki-k-kill h-her.'

_Cut to some shadowy form walking to the edge of a cliff overlooking the robot army_

**Robot 7** : Attack.

_A plasma grenade lands on the middle robot_

**Robot 4** : Hey! A spid-

_The grenade explodes, with the expected result_

"Yep, that's definitely Tex, the Great Destroyer of an entire alien race." Weiss said with a monotone voice,

"You're taking it surprisingly well." Yang pointed out,

"Well, you do get used to completely wiping out an entire species."

"…Weiss, that's just dark and kinda disturbing." Blake said.

 **O'Malley** : What was that!?

 **Doc** : Uh oh.

_More plasma grenades take out the rest of the robot army. Conveniently cut to Gary_

**Gary** : the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near.

_Cut to O'Malley and Lopez hiding behind rocks_

**O'Malley** : Lopez, do you see anything?

 **Lopez** : No, just dead robots everywhere. My beautiful robot army destroyed.

 **O'Malley** : I'm going to sneak around the side. Let me know if you see anything. Lopez. Lopez! Lopez! ( _turns around to see that shadowy figure approaching_ ) Ho no! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

"Oh! O'Malley is so fucked!" Yang exclaimed.

_Cut to Simmons leading the Reds through a cave_

**Simmons** : Just a little further guys.

 **Sarge** : You stole that thing all by yourself?

 **Donut** : Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.

"…Not even going to comment on that." Blake said, with everyone agreeing,

"I want that hoverbike." Yang said,

"You want a lot of things, but you can't get everything." Ironically, Weiss said that. Though, it was probably something from Professor Port or something.

 **Sarge** : I'm so proud of you.

 **Donut** : Hyeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!

 **Simmons** : Okay, the source of the distress signal is right outside this-crap!

 **Grif** : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_The camera moves back in stages to reveal they're back in Blood Gulch_

**Grif** : This sucks.

Weiss paused the video and stood up on her chair before falling to her knees and taking a deep breath. Yang put her hands on her ears and whispered, "3. 2. 1."

Then the heiress unleashed hell.

(Team JNPR)

The cursed song has only been replayed 15 times, and yet it made Pyhrra & Jaune switch with Ren & Nora, with Ren driving as Nora was a horrible driver and was still singing along with the song and he had ear plugs on so he wouldn't listen to the song, as the Amazon cried on the Warrior's lap, "MAKE IT STOP!"

"I'M TRYING!" Jaune cried out as he smashed his Scroll against the window, hoping it would break. It didn't, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?"

"SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!" Pyhrra cried out more as she banged her head against one of the windows, "JAUNE! PLEASE! SHOOT ME! ANYTHING! PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!"

"I'M TRYING FOR GOD SAKES!" Jaune yelled as he kept trying to destroy the Scroll, Suddenly, the team all heard a big, fat 'NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' from somewhere. They all stayed quiet after that until Jaune broke the silence,

"Battery ran out."

(Back to Team RWBY & RvB)

After Weiss fixed the windows, they continued the episode.

_Cut to Church and Tucker surveying the robot army carnage_

**Church** : Wow. She really did a lot of damage.

 **Tucker** : Are you surprised?

 **Church** : No, not really, I guess not.

"She is one violent daughter of a bitch." Blake muttered.

 **Tucker** : I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side.

 **Tex** : Who's on our side? Whoa! Who killed all the robots?

"Wait, what?"

 **Church** : You did.

 **Tex** : No I didn't.

"HUH!?"

 **Church** : What?

 **Tex** : I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on.

The girls jaws dropped and turned to Yang, "I swear, if it's a Key, I'll eat dirt for the next week." Yang replied to the looks of disbelief.

 **Church** : Wait a second. ( _Runs off_ )

 **Tucker** : Just push the power button.

 **Tex** : I did, that didn't work.

"Be-B-B-Because i-it o-on-only w-wo-w-works f-f-for on-o-one pe-p-person." Ruby stated.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, that's surprising.

_Cut to Church and Gary_

**Gary** : the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near. the great destroyer has arrived. ( _continues as Church talks_ )

"We get it! The Great Destroyer is here! Now who  _is_ he Great Destroyer!?" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Church** : Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?

 **Gary** : ...

 **Church** : Gary?

 **Gary** : knock knock.

"Oh God." The girls groaned.

_Cut to a shot of Church, with an alien sneaking up on him_

**Church** : ...Who's there?

"OH GOD!" Weiss yelled out, "Fucking alien!"

"Well, that's not freaky." Yang stated,

"Does it have pincer mouths?" Blake asked rhetorically,

"I-It's B-Blue." Ruby said, "I-I-It's t-th-t-the Gr-Great D-D-De-Destroyer."

"You know, I think that's enough RvB for one week." Yang said as she turned off the TV and stood up,

"RvB, Yang?" Weiss asked with a raised eyebrow,

"Well, it's more convenient than saying Red verses Blue all the time." Yang defended herself, "Anyway, it's lunch time and I want some ham!"

"Yeah, let's go." Blake said as she reappeared behind them, seeing that her Ruby Capturing Plans had failed, "I'll go make some tuna steak as well." The girls (apart from RWBY, who was still too afraid to come out) nodded and went out the dorm. Not even a second later, there were a lot of explosions, gears turning and other machine type sounds were blasted out of the room,

"Not even a minute." Weiss muttered with a groan before looking around and saw Blake ecstatic face. The cat girl quickly ran to the room and opened it up. It was a giant mess again but right in the middle of the room…

Was Ruby in an upside down cocoon with duct tape on her mouth.

"YES! YEAH!" Blake cheered as danced around bit in celebration. It was cut off when Yang & Weiss ran past her and ripped the duct tape off of Ruby's mouth. The red cloaked girl was still pretty dazed until her vision cleared up and saw the two young women looking at her with worry on their faces,

"Ruby, what the hell happened?" Yang asked. Ruby tried to escape. She didn't like being seen right now. She hated it. She started hyperventilating as she tried to run away, "Ruby?" Now the bandages felt like they were crushing her as her breathing started to go faster. She couldn't speak. She just wanted it to be over. So she took the easy way out.

And fainted right on the spot.

"Ruby?" Weiss asked as she saw her partner's eyes go swirly, "Ruby? Ruby!" Weiss yelled out as she started shaking the cocoon before getting out Myrtenaster and slicing her out of there. She quickly pulled out her Scroll and scanned her, "Not another coma…" Weiss muttered before glaring at Blake, "WHAT THE HELL BLAKE!?"

"U-Uh, um, it was by accident! I didn't mean t-"

"Shut up Faunus." The Heiress growled as she picked up Ruby, "Don't even bother visiting her." Weiss said as she walked past her, "I won't let you." Was the last thing Blake heard from Weiss. It would be an entire week before they started talking again. Blake turned to Yang,

"I-I'm sorry Yang. I didn't mean t-" She was interrupted when Yang threw her a mop and a mop bucket full of water before leaving without another word, leaving the Faunus to wallow in the leftovers of her actions,

' _It's your fault, you know?_ ' Noire said, without a joking undertone in her voice. Rather, it was a sad one,

'Yeah. It was fault.' Blake thought as she sighed and looked around the room, "All my fault." She sighed again and put the mop in the bucket. It was going to b-

"WAIT!" Yang exclaimed as she burst into the room, "I forgot something." She said as she bent over, with her ass aimed at Blake…

And proceeded to do the longest, unwomanly thing known to women.

"YOU CAN SMELL THE BEANS, HUH, YOU FUCKER!" Yang yelled out after she was done before exiting the room, "See ya next week!" Was the last thing she said before slamming the door shut and locking it from the outside, with other locks just to be safe. Blake tried not to breathe as she tried to open a window, only to see Weiss' glyphs had sealed them shut. Blake's eyes watered as she knew for a fact that this was going to be a long summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	27. JNPR-We Need Heroes!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes, dialogue and songs come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Pyhrra parked the truck at a motel, after listening to Donut: The Musical for the past 12 hours. Nora memorized the lyrics. Jaune "officially" deleted the song. And Ren was just… Ren, I guess. Anyway, after getting their rooms (and thus, spending what was left of the school job), they all went to sleep, too tired from all the driving and attempts of suicide. Pyhrra, however, was getting insomnia. She couldn't sleep, and not from the song. No, she always had that gut feeling that something was wrong and she had to fix it. Maybe it was the fact they they've decided to cheat and use RvB songs, and someday Jaune will find something about Red vs Blue. So, as she finally got some sleep, she made a plan. Get the others back to their homes, grab Jaune's Scroll and destroy as soon as she could. Okay, she had to admit that was overreacting and she could probably find a more sane idea, but she was too worried about them finding the episodes than anything else.

And it was not like the level of the RWBYs.

She groaned, remembering the last time they invited them to a movie. They overreacted to so many fucking things that they kicked them out of the movie. Literally. Even Nora joined in and she was considered to have a machine gun for a mouth. And they were watching Frozen for God's sake! They wouldn't (in Jaune's words) 'SHUT THE HELL UP AND ENJOY THE SHITTY MOVIE!'

And it was supposed to be a not-really-but-kinda date that she planned.

"C'mon Pyhrra! It's almost the end of the year! Hurry up and ask him!" Yang once said to the Warrior. To be honest, she barely even touched a guy outside of battle or training. Out there, she was this strong woman, ready to fight anything and everything thrown at her. But when it came to normal stuff, like playing sports that don't involve blood being removed from the body or asking someone out, she was just another teenager. Hell, Jaune asked Ruby to that one dance they had (before shit really went down) near the end of the first semester. Sure, she knew that it was just a friendly dance but she couldn't help but feel a little jealous, from both Jaune's courage and Ruby. She sighed and settled in her mattress, 'Maybe I need to sleep on this before I do anything drastic.' She thought as she closed her eyes.

(NEXT DAY!)

It was morning as Jaune & Ren were having breakfast that the Sarcastic Stoic in Green had prepared. Nora was out doing who-knows-what (probably take another Grimm away from its mother) while Pyhrra was looking for new jobs and gigs they could use for more Lien. Even after a whole school year, he and Jaune didn't really talk much unless it was planning/executing plans. So the whole breakfast was in almost complete silence. Jaune got fed up with it and decided to start off a conversation, "You know, you don't really have to cook." He said as he pushed away his barely eaten plate. He wasn't feeling hungry this morning. Ren sighed and put his fork down,

"Jaune, just eat your breakfast."

"C'mon dude! I keep telling you this every time you make something, I can cook for myself." Which was a complete lie. He wasn't as bad as Yang though. At least his cake doesn't explode… usually. He just likes to brag a bit, "Okay, I understand why Nora has this obsession with your pancakes but I'm fine cooking my own breakfast." Ren looked at him weirdly before picking up his plate,

"Fine. It'll save me some time in the morning anyway." Ren said as he moved over to the trash bin, "Good-bye waffles." He said as he scraped the food into the bin. Jaune's stomach growled at that moment, making him realize his mistake, 'Aw man.' "Good-bye pancakes. Good-bye strawberries. Good-bye whipped cream. Good-bye ice-cream. So long maple syrup. Bon appetite, trash can." When the trash finished Jaune's breakfast, Ren went outside, "I'm going to check the band equipment. It shouldn't be too long." Then he went off. Jaune waited until he was sure his teammate was gone before rushing to the trash can. He quickly scoops up his breakfast and put it in a hat since he couldn't find a plate. Now that he realized it, he was starving so he didn't even take off anything that was supposed to be in the trash and just ate. Suddenly, timed stopped as he heard the door click, 'OH GOD, IT'S REN! Can't let him see me like this!' Jaune thought as he wiped away the crap on his mouth and put on the hat,

"Guys!" Pyhrra said excitingly, "I've got us a-huh?" Pyhrra and Jaune just stared at each other, "Uh… why is there syrup dripping from your head?"

"Um, uh, why isn't your head leaking syrup?" Jaune retorted weakly, "Have you thought of that?" Pyhrra sweatdropped at the Leader of the team,

"Uh… sure." Pyhrra muttered before sitting in Ren's seat (AN: From Iron-Mantis!),

"Anyway, you have a gig for us?" Jaune asked,

"Well…" Pyhrra drawled out as she rubbed the back of her neck, "It does involve instruments, but not our's."

"Don't tell me we have to play polka again."

"Oh NO! We are NOT doing that again! I'm saying we're in a competition. The winner gets 20,000 Lien."

"Sweet, we'll be set for the entire road trip!"

"Yeah, but here's the thing…" Pyhrra then pulled a flyer from out of her (ahem) assets, "Well, take a look for yourself." Jaune blushed and grabbed the note,

"We're playing Guitar Hero for 20,000-freaking-Lein!?" Jaune exclaimed as they approached the place where the competition was being held at a week later, "Wow, they really take stuff like this seriously."

"Hey, it's 20,000 Lien for playing a video game. How hard can it be?" Ren asked rhetorically,

"Well, when I was younger I always wanted to be a rock star." Nora admitted,

"You made that up just now, didn't you?" Ren stated,

"No!" Nora retorted, "Kinda. Anyway, I always wanted to be a rock star and perform on stage! And trash a hotel room! And make-out with groupies! And take medicine everyday!" The team stopped when she got to the 'Making groupies' part,

"Aren't groupies supposed to be girls?" Jaune asked,

"I thought they would be guys too."

"And what do you think is in that 'medicine'?" Pyhrra asked with air quotes to emphasis the word,

"I don't know, but they said it would help you relax and help you when you're down." They all stayed quiet at Nora's knowledge about drugs and spent the rest of the walk in silence, "What? Guys? Hey! Wait up!"

(A few hours later…)

"And that was Team IBLS with Cliffs of Dover with a score of 4,650,000 points, landing just behind HERO!" The announcer… announced. Jaune's heart was beating pretty fast now since after the next band, they were on,

"Who knew some of the other teams would be here." Pyhrra muttered as she was practicing a bit. Jaune was on the Mic, Pyhrra on Guitar, Ren on Bass and Nora on Drums, "And it's only been a month at least since we've seen them."

"Well, maybe they heard about this and are doing it for fun." Red guessed, since one of the bands sucked, but they were having a lot of fun. Though, this pissed off some of the people who take things way too seriously. Anyway, when the lights dimmed, everyone quieted down,

"Alright, we have another set of Hunters and Huntresses here, making it a total of 4 teams from Hunting schools! And guess what, they helped protect Beacon Academy from certain destruction!" JNPR looked at each other. They were a lot of people protecting Beacon that day,

"They said Hunters & Huntresses, so it can't be the single-gender teams." Jaune whispered,

"Well, I can't think of any other right now." Ren replied, "I wonder who…"

"Welcome on stage Velvet Scarlatina, Sun Wukong, Penny uh… Rotors, I guess. It says here that they don't know her last name. And Hiro X. Ignotis! They are RVIW (AN: Pronounced  _review_ )!"

"Wait, WHAT!?" the JNPRs exclaimed as they saw the curtains rise up to see Velvet on Drums, Sun on Bass, Penny on Guitar and a guy on Mic who's about Ruby's age if they only took height to account. He wore a black hoodie, with the hood up to hide his face. He also wore olive green cargo pants, red Converses and black gloves,

"Salutations, everyone!" Penny greeted with a smile, "Glad to be here!"

"Sup." The monkey said lazily, "I just want everyone to know we're going to kick your ass!"

"Don't be mean, Sun." The bunny scolded, "We should respect our opponents."

"Doesn't mean we can hold back." The guy in the hood said before he stepped up to the Mic, "Hey! We are RVIW and we're playing Can't Trust Anybody Now!" Pyhrra gasped and choked on her drink at that part, 'That's one of the songs!'

"Pyhrra, you okay?" Jaune asked as he patted her back. He thought the songs he downloaded were pretty common, "I didn't know that was in the song list."

"Bands can use custom songs if they want to, as long as it's fair." Ren pointed out as the band prepared,

"I'm okay!" Pyhrra quickly said as she got back on her seat, 'There goes another hour of sleep.' She thought as the song started.

 **Sun & Penny: **It's getting pointless

 **Hiro:** Trying to keep up this game

 **Sun & Penny: **Broken friendships

 **Hiro:** Watching pleasure turn to pain

 **Sun & Penny: **All around us

 **Hiro:** Lines are being drawn between

 **Sun & Penny: **Don't believe them

 **Hiro:** They try to tell us we're a team!

We like to think that there is something good to hold on to

One simple reason keeps us hanging on!

 **Sun & Penny: **Hanging on!

 **Hiro:** They're out to break us down

To run our lives

To rule our minds

Our days of destiny are

 **RVIW:** GONE…!

 **Hiro:** But when your dreams have turned to fear

And it's pretty goddamn clear!

That you know you can't trust anybody now!

 **Sun & Penny: **You think they help us

 **Hiro:** You think they give us everything

 **Sun & Penny: **They'll just use us

 **Hiro:** Whatever bitter end it'll bring

 **Sun & Penny: **It gets harder

 **Hiro:** They'll sacrifice you for their needs

 **Sun & Penny: **Wake the fuck up!

 **Hiro:** They'll have us crawling on our knees!

You always dreamed that there'd more to life than all the lies

A place you'd find where you weren't all alone!

 **Sun & Penny: **All alone!

 **Hiro:** But now you look around, at what you've learned

And face the truth!

That you may never find

 **RVIW:** A HOME…!

 **Hiro:** Now your smiles have turned to tears

And it's pretty goddamn clear!

That you know you can't trust anybody now!

"Oh."

"My."

"Fucking."

"God." The JNPRs muttered as RVIW finished the song. They scored 7,999,900,

"Well, we're boned." Ren said flatly, "We should've went for DDR."

"Not everyone right here is a dancing legend." Jaune said, "We are so screwed."

"No we're not!" Pyhrra exclaimed, "If they're playing that, we're playing…" She quickly grabbed Jaune's Scroll and searched through the songs,

"Hey!"

"We'll play…" She then smirked at what she saw, "Fragments."

"I thought there were trumpets in it." Jaune stated, causing her to sigh,

"Just come on!"

(A few minutes later…)

"Another great performance by Team RVIW, taking 1st place from Super Sausage Fiesta by an amazing 3 million points! Well, 2.9 million but it still counts! Now, the final team from Beacon Academy, who actually has faced Roman Torchwick and won, Team JNPR!" the announcer exclaimed as the curtains raised up. Jaune walked up to the Microphone and yelled out,

"We're team JNPR and we're here to kick your ass!"

"That was my line!"

"Shut up Sun! Pyhrra!"

"Got it!"

 **NPR:** Screams…

 **Jaune:** In the silence.

 **NPR:** Voices…

 **Jaune:** Fill your brain.

 **NPR:** Tremble…

 **Jaune:** In the process.

 **NPR:** Whispers…

 **Jaune:** Feed the pain…

 **JNPR:** We are just fragments and pieces,

 **Jaune:** We are controlling the game.

 **JNPR:** Don't even know our own secrets,

 **Jaune:** When it's all over

 **Jaune & Pyhrra: **We all will pay!

 **JNPR:** Cover up your eyes now and wait for the darkness.

Try to fall asleep fast and pay for the blindness.

You don't want to see what's growing deep now inside us.

What we've all become is just lies and disguises.

 **Jaune:** Megatragic automatic physic

Let him have it, cost benefit, this means war.

Stick with it, sphinxed with it,

Damndest apocalypse shit to the cataclysmic say no more.

Carry at, must attack, camel back it,

Till' their body cracks, snap and pop.

No hope, no escape, dying is the only fate,

Give it all you've got till the last man drops.

 **NPR:** Dreams…

 **Jaune:** All have left you,

 **NPR:** Smoke…

 **Jaune:** Hides the way.

 **NPR:** Broken…

 **Jaune:** Every promise,

 **NPR:** Shadows…

 **Jaune:** You're not there…

_(Guitar Solo!)_

**JNPR:** Cover up your eyes now and wait for the darkness.

Try to fall asleep fast and pay for the blindness.

You don't want to see what's growing deep now inside us.

What we've all become is just lies and disguises.

 **Jaune:** Roll a thousand miles a minute, can't stop tell em'.

There's no time to take a deep breath just go.

Roll'em over tank style,

Crush'em into a dust pile,

Hit em' till he screams no, twisted yo.

Move ahead, push them back, stop them like a heart attack,

Life is in need of this breast plate help.

If you can't take the heat, this is where you shouldn't be,

Step aside I'll do it by my Goddamned self.

"Oh! That was one hell of a song there folks!" The announcer declared, "The scores will be ranked shortly, so stay right there."

"That was great!" Velvet said as they approached the JNPRs, "I hope one of us wins."

"One of us will win." Ren said flatly, "We scored pretty high and we used our Star Power pretty effectively."

"Well, no matter who wins, we'll split the prize, right?" Sun suggested. 20,000 Lien was a lot so they all nodded,

"That sounds like a wonderful idea Sun." Penny said, "They better hurry up before Sir grabs me again and tells me I've been bad." Everyone was still wondering who 'Sir' even was, and they all had bets that it was either her father or her creator,

"What's… wrong with her?" Hiro asked, "I only went with them since they only needed one member." Pyhrra narrowed her eyes at the black-hooded boy, "Why are you staring at me like that? I have eyes under this thing, you know?"

"How do you know that song?" The Amazon asked,

"Internet." He simply answered. She just sighed before getting an idea,

"Take off your hood." If her hunch was correct, he would hesi-

"Sure." He pulled off his hood and revealed a tanned face with dark brown eyes, black, unruly hair and navy blue glasses, "Kinda got sweaty in there."

"Why were you wearing a hood this whole time?" Ren asked, "It looked like your were hiding some secret." He just rubbed the back of his neck,

"I thought it would make me look cool!" This caused everyone but Penny to face vault,

"I thought you looked ice cold Hiro!" Penny exclaimed,

"Okay, does she understand anything in modern language/slang?" Hiro asked,

"We're… not sure." Sun admitted, "Hey, they're putting up the rankings now!" The two teams looked and their jaws (apart from Ren's and Penny's) dropped as they saw the top three.

_1ST) JNPR & RVIW 7,999,900_

_2ND) Super Sausage Fiesta 5,489,230_

_3RD) IBLS 4,650,000_

"Second and third will get a consolation prize of 1000 Lien. And since there's still another 1000 Lien and there are two bands in first, we'll give it to the winner of a rap battle!" The audience cheered at that. The two teams looked at each other,

"We are not splitting that." They both say at the same time before getting up on stage,

"Alright, this is a no rules battle, meaning you can cuss all you want." The announcer exclaimed, "Get ready in 3. 2. 1! PRAY!"

 **Hiro:** I ain't trickin the narrative, People say it's suicidal it's arrogance

Crucify me as heretic, parascend to embarrassment

Heralding under marriages, pocketed in it's garishness

Murders splurges is fervently, gather me, it's inheritance

Kill the messenger, knock em' down and blow across a blessed verse

Massacre the hours till the power aches and seconds hurt

Fate is half a mistress, but the rest of her's a passenger

She is tragedy to those whose death defines and makes her work

 **Sun:** I don't believe in time, stick a knife into my spine

Watch the shadow bleed me dry then take my eyes and leave me blind

Heavens hell is no surprise I'm just here to scrutinize the euthanized

Despise the sacrifice but never eulogize

 **Hiro:** I sworn to elegance, decadently in sentences

 **Sun:** Maybe I'm just a veteran running out of his medicine

 **Hiro:** Maybe a definite epitaph would've been generous

 **Sun:** But all I get's a whisper

 **Hiro:** Yo where the fuck is all of that shit?

 **Velvet & Penny: **Pray for the day that the lies don't find you!

Pray that the end isn't right behind you!

"Oh fuck no." Pyhrra growled as Hiro pointed at her when he sang out 'Fate is half a mistress' and at any mention of a female in that verse,

"Oh fuck yeah." Hiro said with a smirk, "Beat that." Jaune glared at him and told Ren something,

"Let me do this. Alone." Ren nodded and let Jaune take the stage.

 **Jaune:** Yo Listen Yo, So pick your poison

Shotgun shell to the face, Or pull this sidearm from my waist

Ruin the whole scene, I ain't coming from a civilized place

Where violence is preferred to sitting and saying grace

The young warlocks ain't got patience or respect

Cause the animal within don't even speak that dialect

And all they know is war, So you better come correct

They'll catch a bullet to the head just for dramatic effect

These savages is mean and only understand gun fire

Don't get caught slippin up in the jungle squire

They want your honor so believe in one simple fact

Just for that they'll take your face off just like that

Lies and deceit, Disguise and critique

The O's the P's and Q's, Wit' everybody you meet

And trust is a weakness on this side of the fleet

'Cause they'll fake showin' loving and leave you bleedin' in the street

And that's real!

"And… we lost." Hiro muttered, causing Pyhrra to smile at Nora as they sang the last few lyrics.

 **Pyhrra & Nora: **Pray for the day that the lies don't find you!

Pray that the end isn't right behind you!

The audience cheered after that as the announcer exclaimed, "Winner: Team JNPR!"

"Hehehe." Hiro chuckled, "You deserve it, dude." Then he turned to Pyhrra, "Sorry for that. I kinda wanted to win."

"It's okay." Pyhrra said, guessing that he was just some guy who ended up finding a song, until he leaned in an whispered,

"Oh, and call the RWBYs soon. I think they have something to say about your secret." Pyhrra's eyes widened and looked at him in disbelief,

"What?" She said quietly,

"Maybe I know, maybe I don't. Just tell your friend to look past the red and into the black and white." He said before going to his team and went on congratulating the other JNPRs, letting Pyhrra stand there, frozen in disbelief. She suddenly got a phone call and went backstage to answer it,

" _Who was he?"_ The man (let's call him… Duster), " _What did he say?"_

"Um, let's just say that we've been compromised. Warn the Wh-"

"Pyhrra!" Jaune called out, freaking the red head out, "C'mon on out, they're giving us cake! I heard one of the guys in IBLS are big eaters!"

"Coming!" Pyhrra called out before going back to the call, "Just warn  _them_ , okay?"

" _Got it. And Nikos."_

"Yes?"

" _You were great out there._ " And then he hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	28. Creeping Rose (Familiar Surroundings, Hunting Time, Fight or Fright)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue are straight from the wiki! So blame them if there's something wrong.
> 
> Load Game… Start!

"And I'm like, 'Oh hell no!'" Yang told Weiss, a week later after Ruby went into another coma, "So I grab two baseball bats and ran at them! One of them was smart enough to run away but one idiot was all like 'Oh, she's just some kid! I can take her on.' Boy, he did NOT see that swing to the nuts."

"And you put him in the hospital, didn't you?" Weiss guessed,

"Girl, that guy shat his wheelchair when he saw me!" Yang laughed, "And that's why you don't mess with my friends." (AN: Okay, I have to admit something. What Yang did actually happened. Seriously! My friend (who will go by Karma from now on) literally grabbed two bats, hit the guy in the nuts and proceeded to beat him until he needed to go to the  _hospital_! Though, it was justified. The guy and his smarter friend were teasing my Karma's old friend who was about 2 or three years younger and lost his leg in a car crash. They fucking kicked his crutch for God's sake!)

"Hey, do you think we've been too hard on Blake?" Weiss asked after Yang's laughed died down. The whole time Ruby's been unconscious, Yang & Weiss made it their job to ignore Blake, with her causing Ruby's coma and messing up the room. It was easier than you'd think since Blake spent most of her days cleaning up the dorm room. Weiss was starting to get worried when she overheard Blake talking to herself something about 'Perverted Bitch' and plans on making another body or a clone, with the occasional crying. Weiss was going to go in there and comfort the cat girl (and maybe get some revenge for putting her in that neko costume), but Yang dragged her away,

*Sigh* "Weiss, we're just disciplining Blake so she will never do that again." Yang explained, "That way, we won't kill each other before summer ends."

"You do know Blake is 17, right? She can learn from her mistakes."

"Yes." Yang then paused before saying, "But I don't want to see Ruby hurt and I really want to make it through the summer without any more injuries."

"Well, that's not going to happen at this rate." Weiss pointed out, "I bet by the end of the week, Ruby will be in another coma and at least one of us will be joining her."

"You know, all of this can be avoided if we just stop watching Red vs Blue." Yang suggested. There was a silence as they looked at each other before Weiss said,

"But, I kinda want to know what happens to Church and the alien." Yang raised an eyebrow before grinning,

"Weiss…?"

"Yes?"

"Do you, the Heiress of the Schnee Dust Company,  _like_ Red vs Blue?" Weiss scoffed in response,

"Of course not! There are a number of things I hate,"

'No surprise there.' Yang thought,

"War, idiots and irrelevant situations. So in no way in hell will I ever like RvB in any alternate dimension, alternate timeline or alternate fucking personality!"

"Weiss so serious?" Yang punned, only to get decked with a pancake, "OH COME ON! It wasn't th-"

"Yes it was." Weiss interrupted. Then her watch beeped, "Sorry Yang, I have to go check on Ruby. I'll see you later."

"Yeah, I'll see ya later Weiss." Yang said before Weiss turned the opposite direction they were going. Yang sighed as she started making her way to the training grounds, "Ruby…" Yang muttered as she walked, worried about her sister's mental health. She then started thinking, 'Hm… I may not be the smartest member of the team,' Justified by her straight C-, 'But I think after every season, we somehow end up putting her into a coma then when she wakes up, the next Phase starts.' She then pulled out the List of Ruby Phases, 'Alright, so Emotional Ruby was finish at the end of Season 1. Bitch/Church/Weiss Ruby,' Yang audibly did an animalistic growl while she heard Weiss sneezed (it's a very big, echoic hallway), 'Was done after Season 2. We just had Ninja Ruby pass last week, so the next Phase is…' Yang's eyes turned into white circles as she saw the next Phase on the List of Doom, "No. No no no no! Nonononononononoononononononononoononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononoonononononononoonononononononononononononononononononononononoononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono NO!" Yang exclaimed, remembering what happened last time, "RUN AWAY!"

(A few minutes later…)

"Done!" Blake breathed out after throwing the mop back into the janitor's closet. She was back in her normal clothes now, with her bow back on her head, hiding her cat ears. She knew that her team knew but she grew attached to the bow on her head and never bothered to change her look. She was about to leave, when she noticed a mess of blonde hair in the corner. She checked and saw it was Yang in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, "Yang, what's wrong?"

"BLAKE! RUBY IS GONE!" Weiss exclaimed as she burst into the room before seeing Yang, "What happened to her?" Blake shrugged before putting a hand on Yang's shoulder,

"Yang, what's wrong? Do you know happened to Ruby?" Blake asked. She jumped back when Yang looked up, revealing a smile of a mad woman,

"She's here~" Yang sang out strangely,

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…" A ghostly whisper passed through, causing a shiver to go down their spines,

"Who?" Blake asked, already regretting the answer,

"The devil herself."

"B-Blake?" Weiss asked as she shivered,

"Y-Yes?" Blake replied in the same state,

"G-grab duct tape, nails and a lot of boards."

"On it!" Blake said as she ran for the door,

"It won't help. She'll find a way in." Yang said with no hope in her voice, "…And kill everyone." Weiss grabbed Yang's collar and pulled her up before slapping her face repeatedly,

"SNAP! OUT! OF! IT! WOMAN!" Weiss yelled at her, with each word emphasized with a slap,

"Thanks Weiss, I need that." Yang said, before she got slapped again, "OW! WHAT THE FUCK!?"

"Just making sure." Weiss said, before slapping Yang again, "And that's just in case we lose you again."

"Okay." Yang said as she rubbed her sore cheeks, "Sorry for going loopy back there, I was having flashbacks."

"Of what?"

"Of Cr-" Blake interrupted Yang as she burst back into the room and hiding under her bed, "Oh no."

"What's happening!?" Weiss exclaimed before Yang turned to Weiss,

"Cr-Creepy Ruby." Yang said, with her voice barely audible, "This is going to suck major balls." Not even a millisecond later, the door slammed open, with the hallway being covered in shadows. Weiss & Yang held up their arms to protect themselves from the wind coming through the door. When they set their arms down and as Blake climbed out of her hiding spot, a pair of eyes snapped open in the darkness, clearly visible as they were somehow glowing. Though, considering that it would always happen, it wasn't much of a surprise. What was the surprising was that Ruby's clock was glowing and that they eyes were plain white, no pupils or anything. Just white circles,

"Hi guys!" Ruby greeted happily. The sad thing about this Phase,  _she doesn't KNOW she's being creepy_ , "What's wrong?" With her creepiness emphasized with the triple-layered voice, "How did I end up in the infirmary?"

"Uh, um, well," Blake tried to say something but she was too scared to, 'She is not a ghost, she is not a ghost, she is not a ghost!'

' _Blake?'_

'Yes Noire?'

' _Are we going to die_?' Blake looked at Creepy Ruby's eyes,

'Yes. Yes we are.' "I've never been so scared in my life. It looks like she's staring into my soul." Blake whispered,

"Yep, our situation is pretty bleak with Ruby stuck in this mode. It's hopeless, like Pyhrra asking Jaune out." Yang replied, causing Blake to raise an eyebrow,

"Pyhrra likes Jaune?"

"More."

"Like- _like_?"

"More."

"Uh…  _lesbians_?"

"What th-I meant, you know what, never mind." (AN: From Iron-Mantis)

"She isn't that creepy." Weiss admitted truthfully. Suddenly, Ruby flashed in front of her, causing her to fall on her ass,

"What was that Weiss?" Ruby asked. Weiss quickly retracted her statement as she saw that Ruby's hood was up and the cloak was covering her body, making it seem like she was a ghost, with plain white circles for eyes,

"U-Uh, I mean uh… BLAKE DID IT!" Weiss exclaimed as she quickly hid under her bed. Ruby raised an invisible eyebrow and went over to Blake,

"What did you do to me?" Ruby asked. Blake was so close to pissing herself just because Ruby was near her. She couldn't think of a lie, so she blurt out the truth,

"I laid traps for you since you kept escaping out sight and we couldn't see you and you got caught in one and somehow it knocked you into a coma for a week, please don't rip out my soul!" Ruby leaned in, causing Blake to both shiver and sweat. She narrowed her eyes… before hugging her, with arms still under her cloak,

"I forgive you Blake. I know I was frustrating you, but now you can see me. I'll be at your side. Forever."

"She's touching me." Blake squeaked, "Someone help me."

"Just let it happen, Blake. Just let it happen."

"Wait, did I read this wrong?" Yang asked Weiss, ignoring the Faunus. She joined the White Mage under her bed a long time ago, "I thought she'd forget about when she was extremely happy or sad and that she can't feel emotions anymore." Weiss thought for a few seconds before her eyes widened,

"Yang?"

"Yes?"

"It's either you got the Phase wrong or there are Phases where there are  _different versions of that Phase!_ " Yang's heart stopped for a few seconds before she muttered with defeat in her voice,

"We are so fucked." (AN: A combination of duragon146 and jgresidentevil's jokes!)

(A few minutes later…)

"Are you sure you don't want a chair, Ruby?" Weiss asked after they set up for another season of Red vs Blue,

"I'm sure Weiss. I feel like standing." Ruby replied, "But why are you all at the other side of the room?" Ruby had to ask as she looked at her friends, who were at the furthest wall from the creepy girl, "Don't you want to see the TV?"

"D-Don't worry Ruby. We can see just fine!" Yang said,

"Well, I could at least bring over the table for you."

"NO!" WBY yelled out,

"We're fine Ruby! You just stay there!" Weiss said, 'And as far away from us as possible.' She mentally added,

"Okay girls!" Ruby exclaimed, "Let's start Part 4 of the Blood Gulch Chronicles!" The girls freaked out because Ruby had pressed play without even touching the remote,

"Wanna put her in a coma after this?" Blake asked Weiss,

"I'll go grab some baseball bats."

**(Familiar Surroundings)**

_Fade in to Grif screaming on the top of a cliff_

**Grif** : Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Nohohohoooooooooohaoooooooooooooo!

"Well, back to Blood Gulch." Yang muttered sadly, she kinda liked the change of scenery. Better than dirt, rocks and more dirt,

"Hey, considering that the season is called Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 4, I find that hardly surprising." Blake pointed out.

 **Donut** : Is he ever gonna stop screaming? He's been up there for hours.

"Drama Queen much?" Weiss said,

"Says the girl who was screaming at me for an accident." Ruby muttered, which came out coldly to the others,

"I'm sorry Ruby." Weiss quickly apologized. She realized she never said sorry to her for that incident. She was a bit of a hypocrite since she did shake that bottle of Dust.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, shut him up!

 **Simmons** : Hey Grif, shut the fuck up! Get down here and help us check out the base!

 **Grif** : No! No! Noooooooooooooohohohooooooooooooooo!

"Okay! We get it! Blood Gulch sucks! Now shut the fuck up!" Yang exclaimed,

"Yang, how would you react to coming to one of the worst places in history?" Blake asked,

"Oh, I would do what Gri-" Yang quickly stopped herself and flipped her partner off, "Oh fuck you."

 **Simmons** : I don't think he's even listening to us.

 **Grif** : Noooooooo actually that time I was answering your question noooooooooooo!

 **Sarge** : Heugh.

 **Grif** : Noooooooooooooooooooo-

"How much air is in his lungs?" Ruby asked. Blake hesitated to answer but kept her fear down to answer,

"Correction, Simmons' lungs."

"Oh, right. Forgot." Yang then realized something, 'Wait, what memories were locked out?'

 **Sarge** : Go up there and get him Simmons.

 **Grif** : -oooooooooooooooooooooo-

 **Donut** : If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff.

"And he'll break his neck. The armour will not help him as his spine splits into two, instantly killing the brain, as the bone tears through his neck muscles and skin, showing his spine to the world. Then, if someone would stand his corpse up, his head would hinge on the flesh that won't let go, as Sarge would use his shotgun to blow his head off, in case he becomes a zombie and eats the delicious flesh of its enemies." Ruby added in. The girls quickly moved even further away from Ruby,

"We're already running out of space and no way in hell I'll move closer." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Cancel that order, Simmons!

 **Grif** : -oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-

 **Sarge** : Donut, get me a sniper rifle.

 **Donut** : Yes sir.

 **Grif** : -oooooooooooooo.

_Cut to the Blues back wherever they are after all this time_

**Tucker** : And he says "Did I read it? I already ruined it!"

 **Tex** : That's disgusting.

 **Caboose** : I don't get it.

"I don't even want to know." Weiss muttered.

_Church materializes out of thin air_

"Okay, what happened to him?" Yang asked,

"Do you think the alien killed Church?" Blake asked,

"I don't think so. The only one who can kill Church is Caboose."

 **Church** : What, the fuck, was that.

 **Caboose** : Hey Church!

 **Tucker** : Hey.

"He doesn't care much, does he?" Ruby muttered.

 **Tex** : Huh?

 **Church** : Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

 **Tex and Tucker** : What happened to your body Church?

 **Caboose** : What happened to some... body... Church?

"10 points to you, Caboose!" Yang exclaimed, "So now, you are at -90!"

 **Church** : Hell if I know. All I know is, I was sittin' there talkin' to Gary, and-

 **Tex** : The bomb?

 **Church** : No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.

 **Tex** : Neh, I don't even remember most of your names half the time.

"Hey, I hate Cardin Winchester but at least I have the decency to remember his name." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : I know my name! You can ask me, if you forget.

"We'll get right on that." Yang muttered, "When we're dead."

 **Church** : Hey, can we please focus on me?

 **Caboose** : By the way, he's Church.

 **Church** : Yes, thank you Caboose, she knows.

 **Caboose** : He is the mean one.

 **Church** (& Weiss): Thank you, Caboose.

Weiss calmly stood up from her chair, went to the nearest wall and banged her head on it, went back and sat back down, "Like looking at a Gender-Bending mirror." Yang joked. She got rewarded for her joke with a slap to the back of her head.

 **Caboose** : See, he is mad. Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking, then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

 **Church** : ... Okay. I was talking to Gary and-

 **Caboose** : Told you so.

 **Church** : God dammit!

 **Caboose** : Classic Church.

"Angry, an asshole, a horrible shot and the worst person to ever live and then relive again." Blake said.

 **Tucker** : I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurism.

 **Church** : Anyway, I was talking to Gary about the Great Destroyer, who at the time we thought was Tex.

_Fade to Church's story_

**Gary** : the great destroyer has arrived. the end is near.

 **Church** : Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?

"Ruby." WBY muttered unconsciously. Ruby heard it and turned around. They thought she was angry, so everyone pointed at Weiss, who was pointing at Blake. Ruby was about to say something but shrugged and went back to watching.

_Cut to the present_

**Church** : And that's when I turned around, and I saw...

_Cut back to Church's story, where Church turns around and Caboose is standing in the way_

**Caboose** : Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

"Well, that's breaking the forth wall." Yang muttered,

' _Oh, c'mon Blondie. You do it all the time._ ' Noire said,

'What?'

' _Nothing Pussy Cat._ '

 **Church** : What the- Caboose, get outta the story man. No it wasn't O'Malley.

 **Caboose** : What was it?

 **Church** : Stop interrupting me, and I'll tell you.

 **Caboose** : A helicopter?

"Heli…copter?" Weiss said slowly, but Yang knew what it was automatically,

"It's a f-flying vehicle!" Yang squeeled, wanting to see one herself,

"How would you know?"

"I love vehicles, and my gut is telling me that it is." '"Love" is one word for it.' RWB thought as they saw Yang looking dreamily into space, imagining its design. Loaded with guns, missiles and cup holders. You can't forget the cup holders.

 **Tucker** : Yeah Caboose, shut up.

 **Church** : Hey, Tucker, you're interrupting now too. Everybody just get outta here.

 **Tucker** : Me? I'm just tryin' to punch up the storyline. Check this out.

_Tex with Tucker's voice steps to the ledge_

"And now, another performance of shitty proportions brought to you by Lavernius Tucker." Weiss introduced.

 **Tucker** : Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armour? This breastplate is so itchy.

The RWBYs cleared their throats before Weiss counted down from four to zero, with all of them yelling out, "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"

_Cut back to the present_

**Tucker** : Bow chicka bow-

_Tex levels her gun at Tucker_

**Tucker** : -whoa, story's over.

 **Tex** : You're a pig.

"They do say pigs are delicious." Ruby said, causing Yang to look worryingly at her, "Sorry, I just haven't eaten in a long time." Ruby explained, reminding her that she should get something from the kitchen after the episodes were done, 'I feel like meat today.'

 **Tucker** : I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

"Not even going to comment." Blake muttered, 'I do like sailors…'

 **Tex** : Just tell us, what did you see?

 **Church** : Um, it was a really big... thing.

 **Tex** : That's your story? You saw a big thing.

' _I know where this is going_.' Noire said as she sent Blake an image of her giving a lecherous look,

'Shut up already!'

 **Tucker** : Eh, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

"And they're all doing anal at the end." Yang muttered,

'GOD DAMN IT YANG!' Blake yelled at her partner in her head as she imagined the image.

 **Church** : Well I didn't really get a clear look at it.

 **Caboose** : At Tucker's big thing.

"I think he and Donut are related or some shit." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : No dumbass, at the big thing in the base that attacked me. All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth.

 **Tucker** : Kinky.

"No it's not!" Weiss, Blake & Yang exclaimed, with Ruby not knowing the word 'Kinky', 'I don't think teeth is kinky…' Blake mentally added.

 **Church** : Seriously dude, cut the shit. We've got a situation on our hands.

 **Tex** : Well how did you fight it off?

 **Church** : Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there.

"A soldier worthy of a medal called WUSS OF THE YEAR!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Tex** : You're telling me you left your body behind?

 **Church** : I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight.

"Well, bodies might weigh you down but it is important to take care of anything you need to do and soon that weight will be off your shoulders… and possibly a river. Of tears." The creeped out girls moved forward before going the hell away from Ruby, 'Next time we watch a season, we get a bigger room.' They thought.

 **Caboose** : I know the feeling.

 **Church** : What is that supposed to mean?

 **Tucker** : Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church! Haha!

 **Tex** : He didn't scare the crap outta him, he scared the soul outta him.

Weiss quickly grabbed the remote and pressed pause. There was a beat, before everyone started laughing, "Oh my God! HE FUCKING SUCKS!" Yang laughed,

"I heard the saying about jumping out of your own skin but this is just ridiculous!" Weiss managed to say. They kept laughing until they noticed Ruby's laughter. It was creepy as hell. It was on the line of being crossed between the laughter of a good evil villain, a monster and a demon. And let me tell you, panties were shitted in,

"R-Ruby, p-p-please st-stop la-laughing." Blake stuttered,

"Aw… I thought my laugh was cute." Ruby said sadly as she gain dark clouds above her head. After changing into new underwear, the episode resumed.

 **Tucker** : Oh it's Church, what's the difference? His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul.

"Oh, so he's literally full of crap! That makes so much sense!" Yang said.

 **Church** : For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

 **Tex** : Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours.

 **Tucker** (& Blake): Bow chicka bow wow.

Everyone looked at Blake as she said Tucker's catchphrase, with Blake herself being surprised before growling, "Uh… Pussy Cat? Why are you angry?"

"I'm just thinking about killing someone very close to me." Blake growled out, 'God damn it Noire! How are you even doing that!?'

' _I'm not telling~'_  Blake sighed before realizing that everyone, even Ruby, was moving away from her, "I didn't mean you guys!"

"I'm going to grab some therapy books after this." Weiss said as she moved away,

"I'm joining you." Yang said. And when Yang wants to study, you know things are serious,

"Me too." Ruby spoke up,

"D-Don't worry Ruby. We'll take care of it." Weiss said. She didn't want Ruby to be there since they'd be too scared to study.

 **Tex** : Oh shut up.

 **Church** : Shut up Tucker.

 **Tucker** : Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow!

' _Oooohhh, I'm starting to like this guy.'_

'He's a fucking perv Noire!'

' _You are too._ '

'SHUT THE  _FUCK_  UP, BITCH!'

 **Church** : Tucker. Shut up.

 **Tucker** : I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

"He's quoting every bad porno movie." Yang muttered, "And who'd the fuck would get with a plumber?"

"Princess Peach." Weiss answered without thinking,

"Who?"

"No one!"

 **Church** : Tucker!

 **Tucker** : So I hear you got sisters. Bow chicka- who're twins! -wow wow!

"Why is that so special?" Ruby asked, but the others were too distracted/too angry to answer Ruby's question.

 **Church** : Shut up.

 **Tucker** : Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

 **Church** : Shut up.

"How about 'Bow-Chicka-Fuck-You'!" Weiss exclaimed as she raised both of her middle fingers at the TV.

 **Tucker** : Bow chickachicka-

 **Church** : Shut up.

 **Tucker** : -gow wow chicka-

 **Church** : Shut up.

 **Tucker** : -chicka bow bow chickachickachi bow bow!

 **Church** : Shut up!

' _Oh, I am **so** using that._' Noire said,

"No. Fucking. Way!" Blake said through gritted teeth,

' _You can't stop me. Daisy Noire Belladonna and I will keep coming until I'm finished, and come some more! Bow Chicka Bow Wow!'_ Blake raised her eyebrow,

'My middle name is your first? Why?'

' _Don't blame me, blame the dick on the computer._ '

'Huh?'

' _Nothing._ '

"Blake, you spaced out for a second. You okay?" Weiss asked. Blake snapped out of it and shook her head,

"Yeah, just start the next episode." Yang raised an eyebrow before shrugging, grabbing the remote off Weiss and pressing play.

**(Hunting Time)**

_Fade into Grif still yelling like a walrus._

**Grif** : Nooooooooooo- Whoa!

_He starts running back and forth to avoid sniper shots._

**Grif:**  No! No no no!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, come one, come all and take pot shots at our favourite lazy orange soldier! 10 Lien per magazine! Come play Shoot the Grif!" Yang said in a cheesy carnie announcer voice, "Don't worry, we long range tasers for the kids!"

"Really Yang?  _Really_?" Blake asked with a raised eyebrow,

"What? I couldn't resist."

 **Sarge** : That was close!

 **Simmons** : Thank you, sir!

 **Grif** : Nooo!

 **Sarge** : Donut, you're going outta turn.

 **Donut** : I thought I went after Simmons.

 **Sarge** : No, we go in line. It goes you then me, then Simmons, then back down to me then you, then me then me, then Simmons then me then me then Simmons, me, me Simmons you Simmons me me me Simmons you. Me. Then me again. It makes perfect sense!

"Huh? Isn't Sarge going more times than the others?" Ruby asked,

"Actually, if we go by Sarge's turn system, Sarge will go 12 times, Simmons will go 6 and Donut will go 4 times." Blake replied, "That means Sarge will go 2 times the turns of Simmons or 3 times for Donut."

"That doesn't seem fair." Weiss said sarcastically,

"Weiss, this is  _Sarge_ we're talking about. To him, anything involving a dead Blue or Grif is fair." Yang pointed out.

 **Simmons** : But doesn't that mean you go twice as much? Or, ten times as much?

_Sarge fires._

**Grif** : Ow!

 **Sarge** : This is the best game since Grifball.

"Grif… Ball?" Yang asked, "The fuck is that?"

"A game consisting of two teams armed with modified hammers that are able to produce a small shockwave of force and swords with a ball in the middle. In the game, someone must pick up the ball and becomes "Grif". The "Grif" must make it to the enemies' goal without dying and score. First to 8 wins."

"Weiss, how do you know that?" Blake asked, surprised by Weiss' knowledge,

"It was one of the gametypes in the Halo games. Apparently, the developers loved RvB so much that they helped them produce more videos as well as put them into their games. Grifball was one of them."

"They are one messed up company, aren't they?" Yang said, before she got whacked in the head by an invisible force 7 times before getting hit in the back of the head with a metal ball, "OH GOD DAMN IT!"

"You know, Grifball doesn't sound that bad to play in real life if the weapons were non-lethal." Ruby said,

"Wait, I forgot something." Weiss said, "After each score, the ball explodes after each round." Yang & Blake's didn't want to play the game in real life after that sentence,

"I still want to play with the exploding ball!" Ruby exclaimed happily, while everyone was backing away from Ruby, eventually hitting the wall.

 **Grif** : I'm not comin' down!

 **Sarge** : Hey Grif! Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival!

_Sarge fires again, but misses as Grif ducks._

**Sarge** : No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!

"Okay, have to admit that Grif has a really fast reaction time." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : Wait a minute, that was my turn!

 **Sarge** : This is the Lightning Round.

 **Simmons** : Who's in the Lightning Round—

 **Sarge** : Me.

"Of course." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : Alright, fuck this, I'm comin' down!

_Sarge fires again_

**Grif** : OW! I said I'm comin' down!

"My bet he hit him in the ass." Weiss said,

"I bet thigh." Yang joined,

"Right shoulder." Blake added in,

"Lower back, right side, went through intestines and grazed the kidney, exit wound left side of the belly button." Ruby betted. The girls were extremely creeped out how specific Ruby was.

 **Sarge** : Hyaha, buzzer beater! Take that you stupid duck.

_Cut to Caboose, Tucker, Tex, and Ghost-Church standing outside the complex_

**Tucker** : We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there.

 **Caboose** : Or, eating Church!

"Yes, because aliens  _love_ metal and bits of a shitty soul for lunch." Weiss said sarcastically,

"You don't know that." Blake pointed out.

 **Tex** : Alright then. Let's roll.

 **Church** : Okay... Here we go...

_Brief silence._

"Whoa, Speed Racers! Slow down!" Yang exclaimed sarcastically.

 **Tucker** : ...Uh, we're not moving.

 **Church** : Yeah, yeah, okay. ( _clears throat_ ) Here we go.

 **Tucker** : ...We're still not moving.

 **Caboose** : Does talking count as moving?

"No, it counts as wasting our time." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex** : ( _stepping forward_ ) All right, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.

 **Tucker** (& Blake): Bowchickabowwow.

"FUCK!"

"Welcome to the club, Blake." Weiss said,

"Well, you're a copycat now, huh Pussy Cat?" Yang punned, not seeing the foam bat Weiss grabbed from the equipment shed coming at her skull.

 **Tex** : Never mind, Tucker's in front.

 **Tucker** : Eh, it was worth it.

"Eh, it was worth it." Yang said as she dizzily stood up and went back to her seat,

"Irony~" Ruby sang out, which sounded like breaking glass.

_Cut back to Blood Gulch, outside the Red Base._

**Sarge** : All right, men. Stay out of sight. We have to be prepared for anything.

 **Grif** : Uh, why are we hiding from our own base?

 **Sarge** : Because, we have no idea what's inside.

"It's in the middle of a boxed canyon with all the soldiers there going AWOL. I don't think anyone is in there, Sarge." Blake pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Anything could have occupied the base after we jumped into the future.

 **Donut** : Oh my God! What if we're in there?

"What." Weiss said.

 **Grif** : Yeah—no, wait. Aren't we out here?

 **Donut** : I mean past versions of ourselves. We could go in there and meet ourselves. Oh man, we'd be best friends, we'd have so much in common. Finally, someone who shares the pain.

"…Nope. Ju-Just nope. This is just too god damn stupid." Yang said, "Too fucking stupid to comment on."

 **Simmons** : Donut, that's not how time travel works. We don't leave copies of ourselves behind, and even if we did they'd all be eight hundred years old. They'd all be dead by now.

 **Donut** : Speak for yourself, I could live to be eight hundred. I'm on this awesome diet!

 **Sarge** : Still doing that high fat-low fibre-liquid diet where you drink nothing but bacon grease?

"He won't live to 800, but he will gain 800." Ruby muttered, "Though, he will suffer from a fatal heart attack and release his bowels as his heart painfully fails."

 **Donut** : Nah; that was just a fad.

 **Sarge** : What's the new one?

 **Donut** : I only eat foods that begin with vowels.

 **Simmons** : That sounds really hard, what did you have for breakfast?

 **Donut** : Eggs and Oreos. And for lunch I'm having asparagus... and Oreos.

"There's also apples, oranges and ice-cream." Yang pointed out,

"And where do you think they'll get something fresh like apples?" Blake asked, quickly shutting her partner up,

"There's also yams." Ruby added in,

"Y isn't a vowel." Weiss said,

"YES IT IS!" Ruby yelled out in her demon voice as her shadow grew to look like a monstrous wolf,

"Y-Y-Yes R-Ru-R-Ruby."

 **Grif** : Holy crap, I've been on that diet for years! I had no idea I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs! And I don't even know what asparagus is.

"So, all he's been living off was Oreos? Sure, they're good for a while but you get sick of them after a while." Yang said, not knowing about some people suffering a lot of really stale Oreo poisoning.

 **Sarge** : All right men, stop your chatterboxin'. We've got to keep our eyes open for any sign of enemy activity.

_A tank closely resembling Sheila rides by in the background._

**Sarge** : I can't have you not paying attention. You have to be alert!

"So, does a wandering tank count as an enemy?" Weiss asked,

"Wait, 'wandering tank', Blood Gulch, enemy to the Reds! HOLY SHIT IT'S SHELIA! YOU HAVE RETURNED, MY LOVE!" Yang exclaimed happily as she shed a few tears,

"She didn't technically le-"

"SHUT UP AND LET ME ENJOY THE MOMENT, BLAKE!"

_Grif, Simmons, and Donut follow the tank with their eyes and heads._

**Sarge** : Constant vigilance. Composed, attentive!

_The three stooges look back at Sarge._

**Sarge** : See? That's much better.

"Says the guy who doesn't notice the 20 ton tank." Blake muttered,

"SHE'S TEN TONS, BITCH!"

'And… the fetish mobile has arrived.' RWB thought in unison.

_Cut to Tucker sneaking up on an empty hallway._

**Church** : Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?

 **Tucker** : No way, I'd rather have a gun.

"And the glow would blow them instantly." Weiss added in,

"Bow chicka bow wow." Blake/Noire said before she covered her mouth, 'At least I'm not alone in this.' Weiss thought with a smile.

 **Church** : But I've got a gun.

 **Tucker** : What're you gonna do, shoot it with ghost bullets?

 **Church** : Okay yeah, that's a good point.

 **Tucker** : Hey I'm Casper, the Friendly Bullet.

"You know, I can hit you in the fucking soul if I wanted to." Ruby said, "I just… don't know how."

'For the love of God, that would be awesome but if it's in her Aura mode, fuck that.' Yang thought.

 **Tex** : ( _from below_ ) Hey, see anything?

 **Tucker** : Nope!

 **Church** : You know; Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something.

"I keep forgetting about the bomb." Blake muttered before realizing something, "That's something you don't say every day.

_Church heads for a window._

**Church** : Hey. Andy. Andy!

 **Andy** : Hehehey, look who's back! The dickhead!

"You're a fucktard too!" Yang exclaimed,

"Really Yang?" Blake asked as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

 **Church** : Hey, up yours.

 **Andy** : You back for another beatin'? It must be asskick-o'clock!

 **Church** : Where's that big alien thing?

 **Andy** : I don't know, last time I saw him he was halfway up your ass.

 **Tex** : Is this bomb giving you a hard time?

 **Andy** : I see you brought a girl with you. What're you gonna have, a crying contest?

"Oh, I am  _so_ disarming that little fucker." Weiss growled as the others felt the same rage,

"He will die a gory, unbelievable death where no one will ever find him." Ruby said through gritted teeth. The others wondered how gory chopping up a bomb would be, but Ruby has been known to do the impossible. Seriously, she actually punched God in the balls that one time during the Atlas Incident. Don't ask how; just assume that it was a dream.

 **Church** : Hey look, there's my body, right there.

 **Alien** : Blargh.

"HOLY SHIT!" Weiss & Yang exclaimed,

"Aw… it sounds cute." Ruby cooed,

"It just said 'Surprise motherfucker!'." Blake translated, she did learn Blargian. And since no one spoke Japanese or Latin in Vytal, she felt relieved she could translate a bit just for practice.

 **Tucker** : Huh? There it is!

 **Church** : Jesus, run!

 **Tex** : Crap!

_Tucker, Church and Tex fire randomly in every direction except the one the alien is in_

**Tucker** : Oh my God oh my God oh my God what the fuck is that thing!?

"I don't know, but it can't be worse than Creepy Ruby." Yang muttered,

"What?"

"Nothing!"

 **Church** : Run!

 **Tucker** : Women and children last!

"Wow. Just, wow." Weiss muttered, "And aren't we technically children?"

"Hey, you know the old saying: 'Old enough to kill, old enough to drink, party at clubs and do it." Yang replied, "You know, sex."

"So, that also counts Ru-"

"RUBY IS AN EXCEPTION!"

_All three jump from various orifices of the building toward Caboose_

**Church** : Run run run run run run runn!

 **Andy** : Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's fuckin' hilarious!

 **Tucker** : Ahhh, run run run run run!

 **Caboose** : Did we win?

"No, you lost before you even started!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Tucker** : Yeah Caboose we won, this is our victory lap!

 **Andy** : Hey come back in, I think you're tirin' him out!

_Andy continues to laugh derisively._

**Andy** : You're killing me! Haha ha  _(cough)_

"So, how long do you think the alien will take to kill the Blues?" Yang asked, "I bet 5 minutes tops."

"Well, Tex is a tough soldier. I bet she can kill it." Blake said,

"Then again, they have Caboose." Weiss pointed out,

"But about when he gets mad?"

"Then they have Tucker."

"He's actually pretty good with his sword." Yang said,

"Then they have Church." There was a silence after Weiss pointed out that little fact before Ruby said,

"That's actually pretty sad, considering the Leader is the weakest link."

"Yep." Blake said as she picked up the remote, "Next episode?"

"Next episode!" The others exclaimed as Blake pressed play.

**(Fight or Fright)**

_Fade in to Grif, Simmons and Donut standing in front of the Warthog_

**Simmons** : I'm telling you it was here. It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned, and it went zoom right behind you!

 **Donut** : Well it really sounded like Ehhhhhhhhrchugachugachur-ah my leg ah!

"One, Shelia doesn't have legs and two, no one there was getting ran over." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : That's not the important part of the story, Donut!

 **Sarge** : Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality.

"Heterosex-wha?" Ruby asked,

"Gay!" Weiss snapped, finally having enough of Ruby not understanding common words,

"Happy?"

"For fuck's sake, Ruby! Gay is when one person loves another person who is also the same gender as him/herself!"

"Ooooohhhhh… I didn't know. I just assumed what my parents called them."

"What?"

"Yaoi and Yuri."

" _Oh sister, we have a lot to talk about_." Noire!Blake said before switching back to Blake, 'Are you getting stronger or something!?'

' _Yep_.'

'HOW!?'

' _Not telling~'_

'Fuck you, bitch.'

"You ready to make a run for those psychology books?" Yang whispered to Weiss,

"After this episode ends, yes."

"Fangirl~"

"Shut it, Blondie."

 **Simmons** : No I'm not, Donut saw it!

 **Donut** : Yeah.

 **Sarge** : Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

 **Donut** : Yeah.

"That's because he's dumb." Weiss muttered,

"You don't have anything better than that?" Blake asked,

' _Hey, don't blame her. He's still tired from last night._ '

'"He"?'

' _Forget it.'_

'My other is totally fucking insane…'

' _I HEARD THAT!_ '

 **Sarge** : Aw hell, he'd eat a spoon full of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate.

 **Donut** : ( _gasp_ ) That's not true!

 **Sarge** : Huhuh, so that's where you draw the line?

 **Donut** : No I mean it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate, right? Seriously, right?

"…No. Just, no." Weiss said, having seen the peak of Donut's stupidity.

 **Simmons** : Okay, Grif saw it too. We all saw it.

 **Grif** : I don't know what you're talking about; I didn't see a damn thing.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Grif** : Tank you say? I have no idea what you're talking about. I was too busy paying attention to our Sergeant while he gave us our orders.

"Oh, that fucking lying cockbite. He's fucking selling his teammate out." Blake growled, but froze as she saw Ruby turn around. Suddenly, words formed in her head,

**Of course he lies! To him, this is just payback for Simmons being the team kiss ass.**

'Wait, did she ju-WHAT!?' Blake thought as she shook her head, 'Her Semblance is speed, not mind reading. There's no way she could do any of that! I'm just going crazy!' She reassured herself as Ruby focused back on the TV (AN: From Iron-Mantis!).

 **Simmons** : Oh really, well what did he say?

 **Grif** : Something inspiring about beating the Blues, and the base or the flag er, or something. I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too, I was getting a little emotional at the end.

 **Sarge** : You see Simmons? Some soldiers know how to pay attention.

"Nope, soldier know how to lie though." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Wow, that might be the first time you've ever actually compli-

 **Sarge** : Shut up dirtbag.

 **Simmons** : Grif, you just told us two minutes ago that you saw it.

 **Grif** : Hyeah, I know, but it's a lot more fun this way.

"It is fun doing shit like that." Blake said. She did have a bit of fun while she was in the White Fang. She was a bit of a prankster in her younger years.

_Cut to Tucker, Caboose, Tex and the ghost of Church outside the complex_

**Church** : Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there.

"Probably getting raped by the alien." Ruby muttered.

 **Andy** : Heh haeh, you never looked better!

 **Church** : Hey shut up, Andy! You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

"How about actually hitting it first." Weiss said, "Like he could've got a shot in."

 **Tucker** : A few more times? How about one time?

 **Church** : Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.

 **Tucker** : Yeah right.

 **Tex** : You didn't hit anything but the wall.

 **Church** : How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards.

 **Tex** : This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

"That was actually a pretty amateur move." Blake stated, "She should've switched to a side arm. She could've used a Pistol at least."

 **Tucker** : Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets.

 **Tex** : You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter.

 **Tucker** : Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?

 **Church** : Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.

 **Tucker** : ...

 **Caboose** : ...

"Awkward~" Yang sang out,

"I don't think 'Hero' is the right word." Weiss said.

 **Church** : What?

 **Tucker** : Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a participant?" Or maybe bystander?

 **Church** : Shut up.

 **Caboose** : Or a decoy.

"It's more like bullet magnet to me." Yang said.

 **Church** : Hey, Caboose, don't help him okay?

_Tex goes in_

**Tucker** : Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?

_Sound of a punch or something, and Tex's ghost materializes behind them_

**Tex** : Oh crap.

"YEAH, TAKE THAT BITCH!" Ruby cheered,

"Shit, that alien really fucked Tex up." Yang said with a grimace. Taking someone like Tex down in just a few seconds is one amazing feat,

"She didn't make it that far, did she?" Blake stated,

"Maybe this alien really is the Great Destroyer." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Nope.

_Cut to Grif and Sarge watching Simmons watch Donut flying the motorcycle_

**Simmons** : Come on Donut, give someone else a turn!

"Don't give it to Simmons." Yang said, "Give it to me." Blake & Weiss shifted away as they saw the Blonde Brawler drool.

 **Donut** : Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys a bunny hop I'm workin' on. Look! N- no wait, now, he- look, look- awh, oh man, I was totally doin' it earlier, why weren't you guys watching then?

 **Simmons** : I need it to find the tank!

 **Donut** : Wheeeee! Woooooo! Woohooo!

 **Sarge** : Grif. I wanna share something with you. And you can't let Simmons know.

 **Grif** : Whatever.

 **Sarge** : I think that Simmons has gone mad. It's probably some kind of Time Travel Post Traumatic Repetitive Stress Syndrome. In scientific terms, he's developed Cranial Insanitosis. Basically, he's gone bonkers.

"Could've just said he's insane. Which he isn't." Weiss said.

 **Simmons** : ( _over the radio_ ) Sarge, I'm not crazy, I really saw a tank.

"He isn't good at keeping shit secret, is he?" Ruby stated.

 **Sarge** : And apparently he's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power. Clear your mind Grif, he can hear your thoughts!

 **Simmons** : No, you guys just left your mics on again. I keep telling you not to do that 'cause you're just wasting the batteries. Oh and guess who rechar-

 **Sarge** : Clearly he's sabotaging us with his superior technology.

"'Superior'? He has a fax machine for an ass!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge:** Grif, I need you to step up to the plate. You're my number 2 man now.

 **Grif** : Does that mean more work?

 **Sarge** : Of course. You'll have to do Simmons' regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.

 **Grif** : So basically just Simmons' duties then.

"Which is just kissing his ass and eating out the poop." Ruby said, "Delicious, delicious poop."

"I want Bitch Ruby back." Blake said as she turned green.

 **Sarge** : Right. Luckily we still have Donut, so no-one has to fill in his shoes. Donut! Combat situation!

 **Donut** : Yes Sir, I'm on it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa! ( _continues screaming like a woman_ )

"Wrong situation!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : What a pro. Simmons, I mean Grif! Establish a perimeter!

 **Grif** : Huh? What's that?

 **Sarge** : Make a border around us, and make sure no enemy crosses it.

"The only enemy to the Reds is insanity." Weiss muttered, "And it's already won."

"What about O'Malley?" Yang asked,

"Oh fuck O'Malley, he's the worst villain ever. Of all time." Weiss then cursed as she picked up the foam bat and whacked her head with it.

 **Grif** : Huh, that sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just go back to being number 3 again?

 **Sarge** : Number 3? Whaddaya mean 'Number 3?'

 **Grif** : Oh right, Donut. Can I go back to being number 4 then?

 **Sarge** : And Lopez.

 **Grif** : Fine. I'll be number 5, I don't care.

"He looks more like a -7 to me." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : I don't know, that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.

 **Grif** : But he's the enemy!

 **Sarge** : I'm not real particular. Now get to work on that perimeter! Bogey approaching!

 **Simmons** : Sir I really think we should be looking for that tank.

 **Sarge** : Hold on a minute. Let's just take it easy there, Private First Class Dick Simmons.

"Pfft, 'Dick'." Yang giggled,

"Very mature Yang." Weiss said as she rolled her eyes.

_Grif starts drawing in the dirt with a sniper rifle_

**Simmons** : But I- hey, what? Why did you use my full name?

"Now that I think about it, there's always a Dick up Sarge's ass." Yang said, causing Blake to blush madly,

' _Yang, you are now my favourite RWBY._ '

'Hey, what about me!?' Blake thought as she growled on the outside,

' _Meh, you're a close third.'_

 **Sarge** : Grif, what in Sam hell are you doin'?

 **Grif** : I secured your perimeter Sir. Now I'm gonna go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time! ( _Starts running to the base_ )

 **Sarge** : Honeymoon's over, numbnuts! You're back down to number 7!

"Nope, I take that back, -13." Yang said,

"Really, because he's more of a -14 to me." Weiss said,

"Well, if he keeps up his diet, he'll be negative one life." Ruby said darkly, "…I love puppies, right Terra-chan?"

"Where did she get that rock?" Blake whispered to Yang,

"She bought it with 20 Lien on the internet."

 **Grif** : Oh yeah? Well I saw the tank too!

_Cut back to the Blues and the dead Blues_

**Tucker** : Maybe Caboose should try talking to him.

 **Caboose** : Uhh, what would I say?

 **Tucker** : Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church.

"Again, another thing you wouldn't say every day." Blake said.

 **Caboose** : Mmm... good times.

 **Church** : You know I actually like that idea.

 **Tex** : You do?

 **Church** : Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

'… _there's always getting fucked by the alien._ '

'WHAT THE FUCK!? I AM TOTALLY NOT INTO BEASTIALITY/SPECIEATILY!'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…Anymore.'

' _Yes you are._ '

'Oh shut up you.'

 **Caboose** : I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!

"Wrong quality." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Get away from me freak!

 **Church** : You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

 **Tex** : ( _at the top of the ramp_ ) There's my body.

 **Church** : Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you.

 **Tex** : You know I wonder, if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?

"…well, it's a possibility." Yang said,

"Yang, remember. Ghost bullets." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now.

_Cut to Caboose sneaking up on the bomb_

**Caboose** : Hey Andy. Say, have you seeeeen, it's a big uh, slimy, like alien looking thing it's uhhh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you. Oh.

"Well, that was a good few episodes." Ruby said, "I'm gonna go to the kitchen." Then Ruby used her Semblance and ran to her destination, leaving rose petals in her wake,

"Alright, TO LIBRARY!" Yang announced as she, Blake and Weiss stood up and ran towards the door. When they opened it, they were met with the tortured scream of Ruby. The girls froze in place as soon there heard it, their pupils dilating,

"Sorry girls, I just wanted to test if I could scare someone's soul out of their body." Ruby apologized. The others didn't respond in any way, "Girls? RWBY?" After a few more minutes, Yang was the first one of come back to her senses,

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Blonde screamed before calming down,

"Yang, what happened?"

"N-Nothing." Yang managed to say between breaths, "I just had… an out of body experience." That's when Blake came back,

"HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT IN MY VAGINA!" Blake yelled out,

"Blake! Language!" Yang scolded,

"Oh c'mon! You swore in British slang. And we've swore so many times before."

"Uh, well, Ru-fuck you, asshole." Yang said as she flipped off the Faunus before turning to Ruby, remembering something from earlier, "Hey, Ruby? What do you remember before coming to Beacon?"

"Why?" Ruby asked,

"Out of curiosity."

"Well, I remember that you were adopted but you never told me why, I discovered the sweet taste of chocolate chip cookies, my parents died, that one Christmas incident where you dressed up like a hot Santa…"

"Wait, hold up. Go back! What did you say?"

"You were adopted."

"Forward."

"Cookies?"

"A little more."

"You dressing up li-"

"No! Back!"

"You were ad-"

"UGH!" Yang yelled out as her hair ignited, "DID YOU SAY YOUR PARENTS DIED!?"

"Yes." Ruby said flatly. Yang calmed down and asked,

"And, are you… upset?"

"Yeah, but it's a part of life, ya know? Everyone will die someday, it's just when we're not sure about." Ruby said sagely,

"I guess the maturity carried over." Blake whispered to Yang, who was relieved that she wouldn't go into her Aura mode,

"I just want to think about how my father was mauled by a Death Stalker, his gut spilling out as he slowly bled out before the poison kicked in, causing him to die extremely painfully as my mother watched her only love's life slip away as more Grimm approached her. She ran, oh she tried to run, but eventually the Grimm had caught up to her as they ripped her apart, piece by piece, limb by limb, organ by organ, as they destroyed her flesh like it was nothing but paper. After a few days, they sent a search team. They found the places of their deaths and vomited, with some of it on my father's brain. What was left of my father was recovered but my mother was never found. The Grimm had torn her into so many pieces that no one could find what was left, just lots of her blood. There was barely anything left to bury so they got whatever what was left of my father and got anything with my mother's blood on it and cremated it into one big pile of ash. They gave what was left of their weapons to me and the urn with their ashes. It's still in my room today. Sometimes I would stare at it for hours, maybe a whole day, wishing that I could travel back in time and save them." There was a very long silence after that before started speaking again, "...I punched God in the nuts once."

"Y-Y-Y-Yes Ru-R-R-Ruby. Y-Yes you did." Yang said with a smile on her face, trying to hide her extremely creeped out and scared shitless face, "Blake, will you escort me to the library  _now_?" Yang asked, with her eyes saying ' _RUN FOR YOUR SHIT!_ '

"S-S-Sure." Blake managed to say before the two walked down the hallway and after turning a corner, Blake grabbed Yang's jacket and ran, dragging the Brawler with her. Ruby looked at the still frozen Weiss before shrugging and walking away to the kitchen. After she left, Weiss collapsed to the ground like she was made of jelly.

Like there was no soul in there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	29. Reviewer Special!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still avoiding confusion.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

**(RWBY Attempts To Play Halo: Reach)**

**(Idea from OrangeGalen)**

"So, everyone ready for a game night?" Yang asked as she put on her headset. After a good few weeks of watching Red vs Blue, they decided they needed a well deserved break from the stupid, and do stupid shit themselves. Everyone decided to take separate rooms, TVs and consoles. Ruby used the TV they used to watch the episodes, Weiss took what was left of the Teacher's Lounge (which she was sure was relatively safe), Blake was in the Ballroom and Yang took the cafeteria. How they got an internet connection, or the fact they could've used said internet to contact anyone was ignored because they were too busy trying not to kill each other over who got which room,

"WHAT IS GAME NIGHT!?" A young voice blasted through the speakers of their headsets,

"GOD DAMN IT RUBY! YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL INTO THE MIC!" Weiss yelled into the mic,

"But I just wanted know what was Game Night…"

"Ruby, Game Night is just us playing a couple of games. At night." Blake answered before they all booted up their 360s, "Anyway, Weiss. What game did you pick?" She asked since Weiss already put the disc into their consoles,

"Halo: Reach."

"…No."

"Huh?" Yang asked,

"No!"

"What is it Blake?"

"I am not playing a game that Red vs Blue was filmed in!"

"Actually Blake, Reach was only used for one entire season." Ruby stated as she looked at the cover of Season 9,

"I'm still not playing."

"Blake, I swear to God if you don't I will hunt you down like the animal you are and HANG YOU UP ON MY BEDROOM WALL!" Weiss threatened. Halo was her favourite franchise after all. Blake didn't want to be skinned so she quickly entered the game, with the others following soon after,

"Alright, DeadRose15 is a lobby!" (Ruby)

"Princess_Of_Dust is online." (Weiss)

"BeautifulBeast is waiting for you, slowpokes." (Blake)

"Alright, Aft3rburn3r is online!" (Yang)

"Joining." The others say at the same time and soon, they were all in the same lobby. Weiss gave them accounts which where all of them were at max level for some mysterious reason so they had a lot of variety to work with. Everyone checked each other's profiles and looked at their armour. Ruby was using the Scout set with a black visor, with the colours being red as her primary colour and black as her secondary. Weiss was using the EVA set, which made her Spartan look incredibly tough to fight. It was also easily mistaken by everyone else that she was using a male character. It was white and cobalt with a gold visor. Blake didn't know what to pick, so she chose the most unique set, which was the Pilot. What made it special? The visor was gone, leaving a skull in its place. Her armour colours were black and purple. Yang decided to go for the Grenadier set, with yellow and orange everywhere on her armour,

"Holy shit, Blake. What the fucked happened to you?" Yang asked as she looked at her partner's helmet,

"Ah, the Haunted Pilot helmet. Unlocked after getting everything but that." Weiss said,

"How would you know?"

"Uh… Halo wiki." Yang was about to ask further questions but got interrupted by their Leader, who was also the host of the match,

"Okay, which game mode does everyone want?" Ruby asked as she scrolled through the game mode, until she saw one in particular, "Grif…ball?"

*Sigh* "Why not?" Blake said, bothered by the fact that they were doing a game mode based off RvB but she was interested in what it was. Ruby quickly set the game up, with the map being the Grifball court and the score limit set to 1 since they wanted to test the other modes. After a few more minutes, the teams were chosen. It was Ruby & Weiss in Red vs Blake & Yang in Blue,

"So, it's partners, huh?" Yang stated with smirk on her face as the timer counted down to the start of the match,

"Well, GAME ON!" Weiss exclaimed as the timer hit zero.

_-White Rose VS Bumblebee-_

"Alright, we're in." Weiss said as they entered the court. Everyone had Gravity Hammers and Energy Swords on them, with a lone ball in the middle. They all quickly started rushing towards the ball. Weiss was the first one to get a kill when she switched to the Sword and used to dash up and kill Yang while Ruby killed Blake. Yang cursed as Ruby grabbed the ball, turning orange, "Ruby, your armour changes colour when you pick up the ball, so you're an easier target! Watch your back!"

"Got it, We-" She got interrupted when Blake slammed her hammer into Ruby's helmet and killed her and grabbed the ball. Yang was escorting her to the goal, with Ruby & Weiss charging at them. It was pretty scary seeing Weiss' Spartan charging at then with an intent to kill so they quickly changed directions, splitting up. But they were ready as they switched to their swords and killed them both at the same time, with Weiss grabbing the ball,

"Ruby, LAUNCH ME WITH THE HAMMER!" Weiss yelled as she saw the approaching team,

"You can do that?" Ruby asked,

"Just do it!" Ruby shook her head and slammed her Hammer while Weiss jumped, launching her over Yang and towards Blake, who had her sword ready, but Weiss quickly got out her Gravity Hammer and killed Blake. Weiss smiled as she was about the get the win, when Yang came out of nowhere, killed her and grabbed the ball and running towards her goal. Ruby was about to kill her but Yang had a faster trigger finger and bashed the bomb into her before she could. Blake was running towards the goal to distract the Reds, which worked as Yang made it to the goal, getting them the win,

"OH FUCK YEAH! WE WON!" Yang cheered as Blake went up to her,

"Wait, isn't that a bomb?" Ruby asked. Her question was quickly answered as Yang & Blake were flung into the air, causing the losing team to laugh,

"Hey, at least we won!" Yang said,

"Yeah, sure, but next game we are so beating you." Weiss said. She was done playing soft. Time to go hard,

' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow.'_

'Huh, what? THERE WASN'T ANYTHING PERVERTED SAID, YOU FUCK!'

' _Well, my Pervert senses were tingling._ ' Blake sighed as Ruby selected Capture the Flag and started the next match, which was in the Blood Gulch clone (AN: Never learnt the name), as the teams were selected. It was Team Warthog in Blue and Team Puma in Red,

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Weiss muttered as she saw the map and her partner,

"Well, how about this? Whoever loses has to call the Jeep either Warthog or Puma, depending on what you chose, for the next 3 seasons." Blake suggested,

"Well, what are we waiting for then?" Ruby asked, "GAME ON!"

_-Warthogs VS Pumas-_

"DIBS!" Yang exclaimed as she automatically went for the tank,

"Wait, Yang we have to take the Puma!" Weiss said,

"Warthog, motherfucker!" Blake yelled as she and Ruby drove in, with Blake being behind the wheel and Ruby on the turret, quickly killing Weiss. Yang quickly used the tank to destroy the Jeep, but Ruby got off before it exploded and used the Bubble Shield Armour Ability to block Yang's shots,

"Blake, I'm pinned!" Ruby yelled as she got out her Rocket Launcher to kill Yang in the tank but couldn't since she would almost kill her as soon as a foot stepped out of her shields, "I saw some ATVs back at base, get one before FUCK!" She cursed as Weiss snuck up on Ruby and assassinated her, just as the shield went down,

"Yang! Stop shooting! I go-" She didn't finish her sentence as Yang blew her up with the tank, "WHAT THE FUCK!? YANG, YOU PIECE OF MOTHERFUCKING, TEAM-KILLING SHIT!"

"Sorry Weiss! But at least your closer to being Ch-" Yang then got sniped by Weiss, as the Secret Gamer Girl took over Yang's position and started driving towards Blue Base, "What the Fuck!?"

"Sorry Yang but you're a liability." Weiss said as she got her Gamer face on, "No more holding back."

"Uh, I don't think you can do it alone Weiss." The Princess only smirked,

"Watch me." She simply said as she approached the enemy base. Blake grabbed a Rocket Launcher and started shooting at Weiss, but quickly got killed as soon as she fired the second rocket. Weiss got out of the tank and made her way into the base, where she met Ruby. Weiss was faster as she pulled out a Shotgun and killed her before she could retaliate. Weiss then killed Blake again and stole the flag, "Get a Puma, Yang because I've got i-" She then got interrupted by her teammate in the game as she used said vehicle to slam her against the base, killing her,

"Okay, I'm here! Where are you?" Yang asked as she exited the Puma, then she saw the body and flag next to her, "Oh schnitzels." Yang muttered after realizing her mistake. She quickly grabbed the flag and started making her way to base on foot,

"God fucking damn it Yang! Ugh, I've got a Mongoose and I'm coming to pick you up!" Weiss said as her Spartan got on the ATV,

"Um. You better hurry, because I thi-" She then got killed as Ruby had finally found a Sniper Rifle,

"BOOM! Headshot!" Ruby said as she quickly closed in on Weiss. The Heiress saw this coming jumped off of her ATV and used the Dodge Armour Ability to make her harder to hit, "Come on and stay still!"

"Not happening!" Weiss retaliated as she quickly got out her Spartan Laser and start strafing while aiming at the Sniper,

"Hey, what's th-OH!" Ruby yelled out as the Mini-Death Ray killed her, "Oh my God!"

"I have to get one of those." Yang muttered as approached the base and grabbed the flag, "I have it Weiss!" Yang said as she saw her teammate coming at her with an ATV,

"Hop on!" Yang did and they started making their way back to base,

"Blake! Hop on and let's kill these fuckers!" Ruby said as Blake got on the Mongoose with a Rocket Launcher equipped,

"Shit, they're coming!" Yang exclaimed before an explosion flipped them over, "And they have Rocket Launchers!" Weiss knew Yang wasn't skilled enough to outmaneuver them, so she said,

"Yang, get the flag and run on foot. I'll hold them off." Yang nodded and got off and started running to the base. Weiss quickly got out her DMR and started shooting at Team Warthog. Ruby got off and faced Weiss while Blake went on the kill Yang. The two girls standing in the middle of the canyon narrowed their eyes at each other before they started shooting. Weiss quickly used her Dodge to get out of the way of Ruby's Sniper Bullets, some almost hitting her head, before she tried getting shots in on her own. Ruby, however, was using the Bubble Shield so Weiss rolled in and tried to bash Ruby. In a panic, Ruby shot off a few bullets. The bullets bounced around and eventually killed both of them. Blake quickly caught up to Yang on her ATV, as the Red tried to escape from getting splattered. Just as she was though, she got Sniped by Weiss, "THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING PRINCESS, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Thanks Weiss!" Yang said as she entered the base. A few seconds later, the match was over. Red/Puma Team won, "YEAH BABY! WE WON!"

"OH FUCK YEAH! EAT IT, BITCHES! EAT! MY! FAKE! DICK! GO HOME TO YOUR MUMMIES AND CRY ABOUT HOW YOU JUST GOT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS KICKED BY THE VYTAL MLG CHAMP 20 MOTHERFUCKING TIMES IN A ROW, SHITHEADS! GO BACK TO WUSS SHOOTER 198-SHIT AND COME BACK SO I CAN KICK YOUR FRAGILE LITTLE VIRTUAL ASSES EVERY! FUCKING! TIME! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *Takes in deep breath* FUCK YOU!" Weiss cheered, suddenly noticing the empty lobby and the appearing messages.

_DeadRose15 is now Offline_

_BeautifulBeast is now Offline_

_Aft3rburn3r is now Offline._

"Oh." Weiss said as she looked at the screen, "Meh, probably experienced too much of my awesome."

**(RWBY meets Shelia)**

"Well, that was one hell of an episode." Weiss said after watching another set of RvB episodes, "What do you think about that last part?"

"…I have no words." Blake muttered as she left to room. Ruby went to go grab something to eat (most likely cookies) while Yang felt pretty sleepy so she went to nap for a few hours. Suddenly, there was a large boom coming from the outside, waking the blonde up. She quickly ran out and start dashing to the courtyard. When the team arrived, they gasped,

"Oh."

"My."

"Fucking."

"SHELIA!" They said in their team order after the dust cleared, revealing the tank,

"Hello, my name is Shelia. And, wait, hold on. Where am I?" The tank asked,

"We were wondering that too!" Weiss exclaimed, "How  _did_ you get here?"

"Well… all I remember was Simmons fixing the teleporter before there was a flash of light and POOF! I'm falling from the sky."

"That would explain the crater." Blake muttered,

"Yes. According to my scanners, I am not in my own world anymore. Protocol dictates that I should gather as much information about my current situation. Who are you girls?" Shelia asked,

"My name is Ruby Rose!" Ruby introduced happily introduced herself before pulling out her weapon, "And this is Crescent Rose."

"Oh my! What a large weapon! Aren't you a little young to wield a scythe?"

"I get that a lot." Ruby muttered as she stepped back and let Weiss introduce herself,

"Hello uh… Shelia. My name is Weiss Schnee." Shelia turned her turret towards Weiss for a few second before speaking,

"My sensors are indicating a high level of Bitch in the area, and you are the source. Are you the female version of a soldier I once knew and killed?" Shelia asked,

"GOD FUCKING ASS!" Weiss yelled out angrily as she stomped away from the tank, "FUCK THIS NOISE! I'M OUT! PWEACE!"

"She definitely is a gender-flipped Church." Shelia noted,

"You should've seen her last week." Blake said before she turned to Shelia, "I'm Blake Belladonna." Like she did with Weiss, she scanned Blake with her cannon,

"Hm… that's odd. I do detect that you are a human, but not completely. Are you the by-product of interspecies intercourse?"

"Oh, WHAT!? NO!" Blake exclaimed,

' _But you want to engage in these "activities"._ '

'Shut the hell up Noire!'

"I also detect internal conflict. Are you alright?"

"Yes!" Blake lied before she removed her bow, "And I'm a Faunus by the way. It's someone who just has animalistic features."

"A unique species. Would you mind to come back with me and be dissected by our top scientists?" Shelia asked,

"No no! I'm fine with my body not being torn into, thank you." Blake said before she noticed that her partner was frozen. And drooling, "Uh… Yang?"

"Huh? Wha-?" Yang said as she snapped out of it before she pulled off her scarf, "Hello Shelia, my name is Yang Xiao Long and your cannon looks a little dirty. Do you mind if I clean it up?" Shelia looked a little surprised (I don't know how, just go with it),

"What? But no one has ever touched my cannon, unless they were splattered all over it." Yang walked up to her and smiled deviously,

"Well, let me be your first." Shelia's moans and Yang's pervert giggles went on for hours and into the night, where the other RWBYs had a sleepless night for various reasons. The next morning, Blake's sheets were wet. And so was Weiss'. And also was Ruby's. And the floor was too…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	30. Things Just Got Creepier (Fair Competition, Lost In Triangulation, The Hard Stop)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! All Red vs Blue dialogue and scenes aren't from me, they're from the wiki itself and everything is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"Ugh… what happened?" Weiss asked as she got up from the floor, "I think Ruby scared me, Blake & Yang and… shit, did I just faint!?" Weiss then looked around and saw no one in the hallway, "I guess I could look for the others. I forgot what I was going to do before Ruby scared us."She brushed off any dust on her and started making her way to the library to try and find a way to cure Ruby's MPD and hopefully do it before Ruby gets even creepier,

"C'mon, where's the fucking book about sugar-induced multiple personality disorder!?" Yang asked loudly as she looked at the Psychology section, "You said it was here, Blake!"

"I said I found a book on MPD once, not anything specific." Blake replied as she pulled out another book titled 'The Wonders Of the Brain'. Currently, she has 4 other books, one of them being called 'Sugar, the Grimm's breakfast', 'Noire, can you search my memories and help me find that book?'

'… _No._ '

'WHAT!? Why!? I demand to know!'

'… _I want Perverted Ruby.'_

'WHAT!? Do you know what Ruby will potentially do to us, do to me!? I remember Yang told me that she developed a sort of secondary Semblance and can destroy clothes. CLOTHES! I do  _not_ want to walk around Beacon in all-natural clothing!'

' _Oh come on, I know you want to see Yang's boobs again._ '

'Well, a lit-NO! I AM NOT A LESBIAN! I AM A STRAIGHT FAUNUS WHO LIKES DICKS!'

' _How do you know Yang doesn't have one?_ ' Blake growled as she accidently tore a book in half,

'You. Sick. Little. Fuck.'

' _I just try to make the world a better place for me._ ' Blake sighed as she went to Yang to help her find a book on ways to trap someone, not noticing Weiss entering the library,

"You should close the door, you know? We need as much protection as we can get." Weiss told the two as she walked in before noticing that she didn't get a response, "Yang? Blake? Are you in here?"

"That's not it Yang. That's on how to drive APCs." Blake pointed out, telling Weiss that they were here,

"Aw… I thought it was on tanks."

"APCs aren't even close to what tanks are. Do you know anything about military equipment?"

"Well, they did teach us about that back at Signal but I sorta ignore everything that didn't involve tanks."

"What is with you and tanks?"

"BECAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME!"

"Yang!" Weiss called out as she walked up to the two, "We may be alone but this is still a library and we should stay as quiet as possible." When she saw that Yang wasn't responding, she stood in front of her, "Hello! Yang! I'm right here! Are you ignoring me? What did I do!?" Weiss exclaimed as she waved her arms around. Blake then shivered,

"Do you feel like the temperature dropped a few degrees?" Blake asked,

"Not really, Pussy Cat. It'll take more than a few degrees to freeze me!" Yang replied,

"What about when Weiss blew u-"

"DUST DOESN'T COUNT!" Weiss was getting angry now since they were clearly ignoring her,

"HEY! I'M RIGHT HERE!" Weiss yelled at them as she flailed around,

"You hear something?" Yang asked,

"Nope." Blake answered, "Hey, do you thing Weiss is awake yet?"

"You know, we should go check on her." Before Weiss could say anything about it, Yang & Blake walked  _through_ her and went out of the library, leaving the ghost of their teammate girl frozen in the room,

"D-Did they just faze through me!?" Weiss exclaimed. She decided to test this out and went into a section the library where there were lots of shelves, closed her eyes and started running. After a few seconds, she stopped running and opened her eyes and saw she was outside.

The library was 15 floors up.

Weiss wanted to really make sure so she looked at her hands, "Great, I really am a ghost. I'm fucking becoming Church every week." Weiss muttered as she looked at her transparent hand, "How the fuck did I die?" She thought out loud, though no one could hear her. Suddenly, she remembered what happened before she blacked out and clenched her fists and growled out one name,

"Ruby."

(Kitchen)

Ruby hummed a tune that was supposed to be the theme song of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and came out as Silent Hill as she as she made her steak sandwich with lots of ketchup, though if anyone would look they would think she was making a sandwich made out of human organs and lots of blood. That's when Weiss came through the door, "RUBY!"

"Huh?" Ruby then turned to the ghost of her partner, "Oh, hey Weiss! Do want some?" Ruby asked as she offered her a bite,

"No!"

"Well, more for me." Ruby then took a bite, leaving a bite mark in the shape of shark teeth, with the sandwich now dripping with ketchup. Weiss somehow turned green,

"A-Are those organs?" Weiss had to ask, worried that the meat in Ruby's sandwich was her own,

"No, it's steak." Weiss floated up, ignoring the walls, and looked at Ruby's sandwich,

"You do know you have to  _cook it_ first, right?"

"I'm sure my stomach can handle it, I did drink that fiber shake and survived."

"Well, you should at le-" Weiss interrupted herself and shook her head, "No, wait, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY AT YOU!"

"Why?" Ruby asked, worried about what made her partner/best friend angry. Weiss' eye just twitched,

"Don't you notice anything  _different_ about me?" Ruby raised an eyebrow and walked around and studied the transparent, hovering, slightly glowing young woman, "Well!?"

"Um… you have a new hair style?" Ruby guessed, which was true since Weiss' hair wasn't done up, unlike her physical form, "You look nice." Weiss then started shaking with rage, "Weiss?"

"YOU KILLED ME YOU DOLT!" Weiss snapped, "YOU FUCKING KILLED ME! YOU GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK OR SOME SHIT AND YOU KILLED ME!" She then leaned in burned holes into Ruby's white circles for eyes, "Now I can never be an official Huntress, I can never experience the world, I can never  _ever_ fix my parents' company, and I will never forgive you. I will fucking haunt your ass until you die and I will make sure you die a pointless, pathetic death." She then heard sniffling from Ruby as she saw blood tearing up in Ruby's eyes, 'That's not healthy.' "Ru-Ruby, I didn't mean it, I was just." Then Ruby hugged the ghost girl,

"I-I'm sorry Weiss!" Ruby sobbed out (though it came out as a banshee screaming), "I'm sorry I killed you! I thought you would die an honorable death as the Grimm slaughter you, as they tear you limb from limb as they rip out you eye and eat it while the others tear into your stomach and use it to beat you to death. But you would go down fighting as you would kill some of them with Myrtenaster before they tear your arm off and throw it away like it was nothing before pulling out your intestines and using it to hang you, as you slowly bleed out as your organs spill on the ground below!"

"That makes it better." Weiss said, extremely creeped out by the fact that Ruby planned out her death. She tried to get out of Ruby's grasp until she realized something, "Um, how can you see me? Let alone hug me?"

"I don't know!" Ruby replied while crying uncontrollably,

"Uh, well, do you mind letting go of me?" Weiss asked. Ruby wiped away a few of her tears of blood before letting go, "Now, can you bury me? Seeing that I can't pick up stuff." Weiss then tried to pick up a knife, only for her hand to faze through the table, "See?" Ruby nodded and started making her way to their dorm while she ate her sandwich.

(RWBY's Dorm)

The door swung open while Yang & Blake were setting up for the next set of RvB episodes. They turned their attention to the creepy girl in the red cloak and tried to ignore her, hoping she would go away. Ruby saw that they put Weiss' body on her bed so she walked up and picked her up bridal style, "Ruby, what are you doing?" Yang asked,

"I'm burying Weiss." Ruby said sadly, earning a huge 'WHAT!?' from the two other girls. Blake looked at Yang before asking,

"Why?"

"Weiss told me." Ruby said as she pointed at the ghost of Weiss, but to them it was just a blank space. The sane girls imagined an outline of Weiss before looking at the Heiress herself,

"I think your sister has officially snapped." Blake whispered to Yang,

"Don't remind me." Yang quietly groaned, "Last time, she kept saying that she saw dead people. And Heartless. And Nobodies. And that one guy from 7th Heaven…"

"Uh… Ruby, are you okay?" Blake asked,

"Shit, they think you're insane." Weiss told Ruby, "We have to prove I'm dead somehow…" Weiss started thinking while Ruby played with Weiss' body, before realizing something,

"Uh… Weiss?"

"Shut up Ruby, I'm thinking."

"But you're,"

"I know I'm dead and I have all the time in the world now and I should hurry up but for the love of God Ruby, shut the fu-"

"LISTEN TO ME!" Ruby yelled at the ghost in her demon voice, freaking everyone out, "Weiss, you. Are.  _Alive_."

"Of course Weiss is alive." Yang said she hesitantly grabbed the Heiress' body and unceremoniously threw her onto her bed, but not before hitting the wall. Weiss just glared at the blonde, "We found her just lying there in the doorway so we checked if she was alive or not. Don't worry about her, she just in coma. I guess she popped a vein or something and needed some sleep I guess."

"No, all I need is MY SOUL BACK IN MY BODY!" Weiss yelled out as she tried to punch the Brawler, only to make her shiver,

"Hey, do you ever feel like a ghost just slapped you?" Yang asked,

"W-Wh-Where!? I-Is th-t-the sc-s-s-sc-school ha-haunted?" Blake stuttered as she hid behind her partner,

"No, but it will be soon!" Weiss then ghost punched Blake, who yelped and hid under her bed,

"Weiss, stop punching our teammates!" Ruby scolded as her voice got deeper, "It's not nice."

"Says the girl who scared my soul out of me!" Weiss retorted. They continued fighting until Yang finally had enough and exploded, causing smoke to go everywhere. Yang quickly grabbed Ruby's shoulders and turned her around so she faced her,

"Ruby! Weiss is asleep! She is not there!" Yang growled out,

"Weiss is here! She's just a gh-" Ruby didn't finish her sentence as Yang put one finger on her lips,

"Shut up, Ruby! For the love of God, Weiss is in a  _coma_. You're already creepy enough! And I know what you were about to say but Weiss is… not… a ghost." Yang slowly said as she looked over Ruby's shoulder and saw that the smoke she created was making an outline of a person. A girl to be exact, "W-Weiss?"

"YES!" The ghost girl exclaimed as she flailed her arms around. Yang looked at Ruby before looking at the outline of Weiss before doing the only logical thing she could think of.

She fainted.

(A few hours later…)

"Huh, what? What happened?" Yang groaned as she sat up properly since she was on a chair. She saw Ruby next to her, "Ruby, I had the strangest dream that somehow you actually  _did_ scare Weiss's soul out of her and now she's a ghost. Crazy, huh?" Ruby just raised an eyebrow,

"Yang, that wasn't a dream. Weiss really is a ghost. Actually, she's right next to you." Yang eyes widened before turning to the other side, only to see a pickle on the chair,

"Why is there a pickle there?"

"To represent Weiss sitting there until we figure out how to communicate with her and get her back in her body." Ruby answered before she leaned in, "And if you say I'm crazy again, that pickle will be used to suffocate you."

"U-Uh, sure."

"I still don't think a pickle was a good idea." Weiss said as she crossed her arms, "You could've used Myrtenaster."

"Hey, where's Blake?" Yang asked. Ruby & Weiss only pointed to the ceiling. Yang looked up and saw that her partner was using Ruby's bed and pulled it up so it was almost against the ceiling,

"No! Just, no fucking way! I am not sitting near a fucking ghost, even if it is Weiss." Blake called out from her Safety Bed,

"You do know I can float, right?" Weiss pointed out, which Ruby repeated,

"I have Holy Water and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"That only works for zombies and vampires!" Yang told her partner, who cursed and muttered stuff about her old partner and 'how it was amusing him', "Alright, enough talk! Let's start!" Yang said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Fair Competition)**

_Fade in to Sarge talking to people_

**Sarge** : Alright men. Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-

 **Simmons** : The tank was real!

"You damn right it is!" Yang exclaimed,

"The downsides of being bodiless: Unable to tell someone to shut the fuck up." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : And he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-

 **Simmons** : Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge, that was Donut wearing a powdered wig!

 **Donut** : Over- huhem, ahuhh, ( _in a deeper voice now_ ) overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.

"You'd think Donut would be the Sherriff." Blake said,

"Why?" Yang asked,

"I dunno. I guess it would make sense."

' _You just want to see if Donut would play a good cop or bad cop, don't you?'_

'Shut up. And I don't think Sheriffs work like that.'

' _I guess. Oh, and let me do something._ ' Blake was about to ask what she was about to do but couldn't since she felt a flash of pain hit her. She clutched her head for a few seconds before it faded away,

'What the fuck was that, Noire!?'

' _Look at Weiss._ ' Blake hesitated but she did what her other wanted and looked,

'Noire, I can see Weiss.' Blake thought as she blushed. Weiss was transparent so she could clearly see the pickle between her legs,

' _Yep, and I'm working on a way to help Yang. I just want to say you may see her, but you can't hear her._ '

'Thanks Noire, I can kinda read lips anyway. But, how will you help Yang?'

' _I think I figured it out, but let's wait and see_.'

 **Sarge** : We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command, here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

 **Simmons** : WHAT!?

"Great, just what we need. A replacement kiss ass for the kiss ass." Yang said sarcastically.

 **Sarge** : And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cookooness, and since Grif is ineligible-

 **Grif** : Or because I don't wanna compete?

 **Sarge** : Because you're ineligible!

 **Grif** : No, I just don't want to compete.

 **Sarge** : Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!

 **Grif** : ( _sigh_ ) Whatever.

"So… why is he ineligible?" Ruby asked,

"Because he's Grif." Weiss answered,

"Because…"

"Okay, I know you and Weiss are having a conversation but for the love of God, don't do shit like that." Yang begged. The two looked at each other before shrugging and going back to watching.

 **Donut** : I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.

"Ah crap, the only thing I have in common with Donut." Weiss said before quickly covering her mouth. She looked around and saw that no one heard it, even Ruby, "Perks of being a ghost: No one can hear you talk shit about them."

 **Sarge** : Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.

 **Donut** : Huh?

 **Sarge** : We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin.

"Go wrench! You're better than Donut and Simmons combined!" Yang cheered as she ripped off her clothes to show her 'Team Wrench' T-Shirt,

"Where did you get that, let alone when did you put that on?" Blake asked,

"I have a lot of T-Shirts." Yang answered, blushing a little, "Do you want a 'People Like Grapes' one?"

"No thanks."

' _Anyway, you already have your "Sexy Little Bitch" T-Shirt in your bag.'_ Blake decided to not to say anything back, since it was her favourite T-Shirt next to 'Cats are Awesome' one.

 **Sarge:** Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.

The girls freaked out when they heard a child of a Grimm and a demon crying, "I wanted the rock to win." Ruby sobbed out as she stroked Terra-chan,

"Come on! We just found out about the stupid competition!" Weiss exclaimed (AN: Joke from classicalass!)

 **Donut** : Hyes. You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that, bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!

"My bets on the skull." Blake said, "Go Jimmy!"

 **Sarge** : You will be competing against each other in a series of grueling events, in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course, Grif! Get the alligators!

"He means props." Yang said.

 **Grif** : I thought I was ineligible.

 **Sarge** : To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.

 **Simmons** : Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit,

"'Marginally successful'?" Weiss said with skepticism in her voice.

 **Simmons:** I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me,

"Who turned you into a cyborg for no apparent reason." Blake pointed out.

 **Simmons:** I had the respect and admiration of all my peers.

"And didn't he say that he hated his "peers" after being turned into a cyborg and Donut smashing his spleen balloon?" Yang asked,

"He was better when he was a tolerable kiss ass, who was kinda bright." Blake muttered,

"And now he is an utter whiny, insecure kiss ass." Ruby finished, "Who will die as his mind slowly descends into madness."

'We're fucked then.' Weiss thought (AN: From Atrum Ferox!).

 **Simmons:** That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

 **Sheila** : I don't think so.

 **Simmons** : Shut up, you ruined my life.

"Don't blame Shelia." Yang said in an oddly calm voice, "Or else I'll hunt you down and TEAR YOUR SKULL OUT AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!"

"You still don't know how to do that, Yang." Blake pointed out,

"SHUT UP PUSSY C-ACK!" Yang didn't finish as our Friendly Neighborhood Creep in a red hood grabbed her shoulder and turned her around to face her, her eyes staring into her soul, 'Oh cock.'

"Yang, you're overreacting to Shelia getting talked down upon. Your embarrassing yourself, sister." Ruby said without even blinking,

"O-Okay. Sorry." Yang said, scared out of her wits, wishing that she had any other Ruby apart from her and Perverted Ruby (AN: From Iron-Mantis!).

_Cut to Caboose talking to ...nobody?_

**Caboose** : I think I will call him Crunchbite.

 **Andy** : Eh, that's a stupid name.

"It sounds like a name for a cereal." Ruby said,

"Considering this is Caboose we're talking about, I'm not surprised." Weiss muttered while trying to pick the pickle up, 'She had to use a pickle…'

 **Caboose** : Uh, well I think it's better than your suggestion. Crouchosaurus?

"Okay, I have to admit that's dumber." Blake admitted,

"Wait, what are they talking about?" Yang asked.

 **Church** : Caboose, who're you talkin' to- HOLY SHIT!

 **Alien** : Blargh!

"OH SHIT, IT'S THE FUCKING ALIEN!" Yang yelled out, "Kill it with fire!"

'Of course she would say that.' Blake thought before she spoke up, "You do know it's an intelligent being, right? It even has its own language."

"What? Blarghian?" Weiss asked, which Ruby repeated to the others,

"Yep. And I understand it perfectly."

"Okay, what did it say?" Yang asked. Blake took in a deep breath and paused for dramatic effect as she translated,

"'What!?'"

"Real helpful there." Weiss muttered, "Ruby, tell Blake to translate for the alien." Ruby nodded and relayed Weiss' message. Blake hesitated since this was a request from a ghost but she said yes.

 **Caboose** : Stop! He is my friend.

 **Alien** : Blargharg.

"(Wait, I thought you two were dead.)" Blake translated, "(What's going on here?)"

"Well, they are technically dead." Ruby pointed out,

"Oh, don't get me started." Weiss muttered as she glared at the pickle.

 **Caboose** : He is not going to eat anybody.

 **Andy** : Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat.

 **Alien** : Blargh.

"(Nevermind.)"

"Well, they are a few thousand years in the future, they must stink." Yang said.

 **Tex** : He thinks we stink?

 **Alien** : Blargh blargh.

"(I apologize for the previous attack, and I'm requesting your help.)"

"'Request', 'Help' and 'Blue Team' do not fit together well." Blake muttered.

 **Tex** : It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here.

 **Alien** : Largh?

"(Hey, I'm right here!)"

"That means the alien is delicious." Ruby said as she licked her lips, causing Yang to move away. Weiss wanted to join her but right now Ruby's all she has right now to help communicate with the team.

 **Church** : Caboose, what the fuck man, are you sure about this thing?

 **Caboose** : Absolutely, he has not tried to bite me, at all.

 **Alien** : Hnnk!

"(Hello!)"

 **Caboose** : Since he bit me the first time.

"I guess that was a test bite." Yang said chuckled a little, "And he/she did not like the taste of stupid."

 **Andy** : Heheh yeah, that was hilarious.

 **Caboose** : I think I might need a tetanus shot.

 **Alien** : Blargh blargh, largh hnnk blargh.

"(Do you not know Blarghian? How can you people not understand Blarghian?)"

"It's either a dead language or it's an alien language no human can understand or speak." Blake guessed,

"How, it's just a bunch of 'Blarghs' and 'Honks', it isn't  _that_ complicated." Yang said. She was then hit with a series of said 'Blarghs' and 'Honks', provided by Blake,

"Translate that."

"Uh… um… Laser, Portal, Fern, Gringo?" Yang guessed,

"Not even close." Blake said with a smirk, "I called you a bitch." Yang could only grumble, "And that's why I like being a Faunus, bitch."

 **Church** : Whoa, that thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate. ( _cough_ )

"Okay, now that's a smell I don't want." Ruby said, "I'd rather have human flesh on a spit than that." And thus Yang went further back, wishing Blake her with her.

_Tucker starts coming down the ramp_

**Alien** : Largh, blargh!

"(Now what do I do, my quest can only end in failure now!)"

"Crunchbite is on a quest?" Weiss asked, since there was no other name for it, "But of what type?"

 **Andy** : I don't think he liked that.

 **Tucker** : Whoa, man, what is that stench?

 **Alien** : Hargh.

"(Oh great, another one.)"

"His/Her day is getting better by the minute." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker** : Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?

 **Alien** : Largh.

"(I can't believe this.)"

"I can't believe that actually happened once." Blake muttered as she remembered the young skunk Faunus doing the exact same thing. Okay, sure, inside the hamsters were stink bombs and they were doing that in front of Human Security while some dickbag fucktard was talking about putting a L.E.A.S.H (Or Locator Electric-powered Acquisition Sensors chips to save Humans) on Faunus but never the less the same situation.

 **Tucker** : It smells like old yogurt.

 **Alien** : Largh, whargh, wharharhrgh.

"(My species hope for a bright future, ruined due to the inability to communicate.)"

"True that." The ghost girl muttered.

 **Tucker** : Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?

 **Alien** : Hnnk!

"(There is no hope!)"

"Hope vanished as soon as you befriended Caboose. I think you did." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : That's exactly what he said right before he bit me.

 **Alien** : Largher, hnnk! Hrarhrh.

"(But I can't despair, I must keep trying! Please, warriors.)"

"'Warriors' isn't the correct term. Or 'Soldiers' apart from Tex." Blake muttered.

 **Tex** : You understand what he's saying?

 **Alien** : Largh... ( _etc, just kinda keeps going in the background_ )

 **Church** : Whey hey wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think that blarghs come after honks. Or, vice versa.

"Nope, it's honk after two blarghs and three blarghs after two consecutive honks." Blake said, "Oh, and the alien is saying (If you can understand anything I'm saying, I need your help in retrieving the great relic. It is the hope for my people in their darkest times.)"

"That must be one hell of a relic." Weiss muttered, "Sorta like… Excalibur or some shit."

 **Caboose** : I think, I think blargh means, me, or, apples. Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick, is- is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department.

"(Please, I will be in you debt if you help me find the relic.)" Blake translated while Caboose was speaking.

"I-I'm not even going to comment on that." Weiss muttered, "And like anyone would hear me."

"I can~!" Ruby said in a singing voice which came out as every heavy metal band performing at the same time,

"Shut up Ruby."

"I could always destroy your brain right now if I wanted to!"

"I am sorry Ruby for my outburst. That was unnecessary and uncalled for."

"(The ancient text says it is in shape of a sword.)"

"You mean Tucker's Sword?" Ruby asked, jealous that the perv got an awesome weapon, "The prongs…"

 **Church** : Mister Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?

 **Alien** : Wharrrgh!

"(Yes, yes! I understand you!)"

 **Church** : I have no idea if that means yes or no.

"(My people are desperate.)"

"Question is: Are they  _that_ desperate?" Yang asked.

 **Caboose** : Totally blows away your vica versa theory. Sorry.

 **Tucker** : You two are retarded. You're not gonna be able to figure out alien language by experimentation, give it up.

"(If you help us, you will live forever through our songs of great heroes.)" Blake translated while Tucker was speaking, "And that's why you should have a translator." Blake said with a smirk, referring Tucker's dialogue.

 **Church** : You don't know that!

"(Wait, let me teach you my language!)"

"Still won't help." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal? It could be part telepathic, or via smells. Whoh.

"(I am a skilled teacher. With an intelligent student, I am sure the basics will be learned with ease.)"

"Still won't help." Ruby muttered.

 **Church** : Well if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already. Jackass.

"BURNED!" Yang exclaimed, only to feel a shiver go down her spine, "R-Ruby?"

"Not me." Ruby said, "Weiss slapped you." Yang glared at the pickle and flipped it off.

 **Alien** : Hnnk!

"(I will not rest until you understand me!)"

"Well, get comfortable with staying up all night because you won't be getting any sleep any time soon." Blake said.

 **Church** : Oh shut up, you're not helping.

"(Please give me a chance!)"

 **Caboose** : Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!

"(What are you talking about?)"

 **Church** : What? What was it?

 **Caboose** : It was a voice, saying, "Blargh blargh blargh honk."

"(Oh dear.)"

"Didn't believe it could for one second." Weiss said,

"Yeah!" Ruby agreed.

**_Only I can do that!_ **

The WBY's eyes widened as they heard Ruby's voice in their head looked at her, who was menacingly eating some chips (Don't know how, just go with it), "What?" Ruby asked with her mouth full,

"Nothing!" WBY quickly said, all while repeating in their heads, 'Her Semblance is speed, her Semblance is speed, her Semblance is speed…'

 **Church** : That wasn't in your head Caboose, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain figures out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened.

 **Caboose** : ...

 **Alien** : ...

 **Caboose** : ... That's not true.

"Oh dear blargh." Yang muttered,

"You just said 'Apple' Yang." Blake said,

"Oh shut up!"

 **Caboose:** Wait! I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me! Quick, Tucker, get a ladder!

(Alien continues blarging)

"Translation?" Ruby asked, knowing Weiss was about to ask. Blake smiled and translated,

"(Okay, I can see my work is cut out for me, but I will not give up. This quest is too important for my people. This shall be my first trial, show no matter the difference, all can find common ground and communicate.)" The others were speechless as they thought over the alien's words,

"That is one awesome alien." Yang said as she smiled before turning to Ruby. She was still scared but she had to try, "H-Hey, Ruby?"

"Yeah?"

"You're our common ground to communicate with Weiss." Ruby smiled happily (though it came out as a slasher smile) and nodded, "So, next episode?" Yang asked as she threw the remote up to Blake. The Faunus quickly grabbed it and nodded before pressing play (AN: All Alien Translations are from dariuseng. Thank you!).

**(Lost In Triangulation)**

_Fade in to Sarge in the Gulch_

**Sarge** : Alright dirtbags, after the third round of the competition, it's still anyone's contest.

"Donut: The only person to match up with a wrench and a skull." Weiss muttered.

 **Donut** : Yeahah, burn wrench, anyone includes me! Hahah.

 **Sarge** : Donut was leading after the obstacle course, and talent contest.

 **Donut** : Awesome. Whodihoo!

"What can a skull do? Play dead?" Blake asked rhetorically.

 **Sarge** : But then the mysterious skull pulled ahead during the question and answer session.

 **Donut** : That doesn't seem physically possible.

"Well, that proves that Donut has a thick skull!" Yang punned (AN: I think), only for Ruby to aim a fruit bazooka at Yang's hair. You can tell what happens next.

 **Sarge** : So the standings are the skull, Donut, and in third the wrench. Which is the current crowd favourite.

_Cut to the warthog with pro-wrench propaganda on it_

**Warthog** : ( _beep beep beep_ )

"Yay!" Yang cheered as she showed her 'Team Wrench' T-Shirt again, "Wrench FTW!"

"No, Team Rock will win!" Ruby retorted as she got out her 'Team Rock' flag,

"Uh… isn't the rock gone?" Weiss pointed out,

"TERRA-CHAN IS NOT OUT!" Ruby yelled out in her demon voice, "TERRA-CHAN WILL WIN!" When Ruby calmed down she saw Weiss in a corner in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, "Sorry Weiss." She only responded with a weak,

"Go Terra-chan." Making the Creepy Girl smile.

 **Grif** : Haha, maybe the skull will be your new sidekick. Hey Sarge, how can I kiss your ass if I don't have any lips?

 **Sarge** : And in last place Grif.

 **Grif** : What? I thought I was ineligible.

 **Sarge** : Ineligible to win, dead man. Luckily there's no chance of that happening since the last round is the evening-wear competition.

 **Donut** : Whohoa, you're in trouble now skull.

"I bet Donut has a fancy dress." Yang said,

"I'll take that action." Blake replied.

 **Grif** : Then can I quit?

 **Sarge** : Course not, only eligible contestants can withdraw from the competition.

 **Grif** : ( _sigh_ )

"Okay, I have to admit that was a dick move by Sarge." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : I guess you'll just have to settle for fifth place turdbelly.

 **Grif** : Fifth place? Should I even ask who's in fourth?

 **Sarge** : I'm reserving fourth place for any late entries, who would obviously be better than you. Such as a turd, or a turd farmer.

"And that's even more of a dick move!" Yang exclaimed.

_Cut to Church talking to Gary_

**Church** : Hey Gary, is there any way that you could translate what this big alien is saying to us?

 **Gary** : no

"Unless you have 4 years of Blarghian behind you." Blake said. By now, Weiss was back in her chair, still annoyed about the pickle between her legs,

"God damn it." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Aw come on man, isn't this one of the aliens that built you?

 **Gary** : yes, but i do not know much about those creatures. i was only programmed with knowledge of the shisnos. i mean you.

"Well, it makes sense in context." Weiss pointed out, "What's the point of storing information about their own species while someone from that species can tell you?"

"It's just the problem with communication." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Yeah listen man, that word is really startin' to bug me a little bit.

 **Gary** : you did not even know what it meant until i told you.

"It still sounds offensive." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : I know but you just say it so much.

 **Gary** : i only say shisno in context. like when talking to a shisno or about a shisno. i think i see what you mean shisno.

 **Church** : So you'll stop.

 **Gary** : inter-species prejudices take a long time to overcome. but i will try.

 **Church** : Thanks.

 **Gary** : luckily, i am not lazy like a shisno.

"Really making an effort there, Gary." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah it's pretty clear you mean to give this your best effort.

 **Gary** : i think the important thing is that i am trying.

"Barely." RWBY muttered at the same time.

_Cut to Church wandering the halls or something_

**Tucker** : Okay. Church, is trying to get a translator. So that we can talk to each other.

 **Church** : Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language, speaking slowly is not gonna help.

"So will listening slowly." Weiss said, "I've tried."

 **Tucker** : What? I'm talking to Caboose.

 **Church** : Oh.

"I am not even surprised." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : I don't understand. Are- are- are you Hungary? Tucker are you Hungary? Are you cold?

"It like talking to a baby!" Yang exclaimed, "A 20-30 year old baby with the mental capacity of a two year old retarded rat."

"We are  _really_  getting creative with the insults, huh?" Blake stated,

"Perfect to use on our enemies." Yang said with a smirk.

 **Tucker** : What? No.

 **Caboose** : Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?

 **Tucker** : Dammit no, Caboose I'm not cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again I'm gonna kill you.

Weiss couldn't help but chuckle a little, remembering that one time Ruby did that to her. Oh, she was pissed back then couldn't help but laugh when she looked back, especially the ensuing fight with lots of ketchup and mustard being thrown around. And then Yang got what is now Ruby's fruit bazooka.

 **Caboose** : Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.

 **Tucker** : Fluffy?

"Fluffy sounds like the worst name for an alien ever. Of all time." Weiss said, "FUCK!" 'Even as a ghost I KEEP SAYING THAT LINE!'

 **Caboose** : Fluffy! The alien that only loves!

"That sounds like the stupidest-" Blake began, only to be interrupted by Ruby, who was staring at her, causing her to shiver madly,

"I like Fluffy." Ruby told her,

"Did I say stupid? I meant the most awesome name ever. Of all time." Ruby only just stared at her,

"Weiss does it better." She told her,

"Really? 'Cause I heard stu-"

"Shut the fuck up, Yang." Blake said before her partner finished. (AN: From snake screamer everyone!)

 **Tucker** : He's got to have a name. Why don't we just ask him? Hey alien dude, what's your name? Name. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.

 **Tex** : Hey!

"THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH-PANTS!" Ruby exclaimed in an evil voice, "DEAL WITH IT!"

"She's even scarier when she's angry at Tex." Yang whispered to herself as she backed away,

"At least you can move your chair, I can't even touch a pickle!" Weiss exclaimed as she tried moving the pickle and cursing in frustration.

 **Tucker** : Well that's what we call you.

 **Caboose** : Not me, I call you Mrs. McCrabby.

 **Tex** : Thanks.

"Because that makes  _everything_  better…" Weiss said sarcastically as she gave an eye roll. Well, as close as you can get as a ghost.

 **Church** : What, is your name?

 **Alien** : Hernk Hurnk.

"Translation?" Yang asked Blake, who blushed at the Alien's honks,

"Um… I don't know that word." Blake lied. Yang raised an eyebrow before shrugging and going back to the episode.

 **Church** : Your name.

 **Alien** : Hernk Hurnk.

 **Church** : Nayymuh.

 **Tucker** : Just keep repeating it Church, I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own.

"And it'll take… a few decades at best." Yang said as she checked the imaginary watch on her wrist, "Don't worry, we have a whole summer."

 **Church** : He is Tucker. Tucker. You are?

 **Alien** : Hernk Hurnk.

 **Church** : No no. No. Not "honk honk." Name.

 **Alien** : Hernk Hurnk.

"What is he/she saying!?" Weiss exclaimed, with Ruby repeating it. Blake lowered her head until her eyes were only shown. She did say she could kinda read lips.

 **Church** : Okay, I give up, all this guy says is honk honk.

 **Tex** : Well have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?

"That is  _not_  his name." Blake muttered as she went even redder, 'His name is one of the hottest names I've ever heard.'

'… _You wanna do him, don't you?'_ Noire said as she sent an image of her having a perverted just sighed,

'Ju-Just fuck you Noire. Fuck you.' Blake thought in a defeated tone, having ran out of come backs.

 **Alien** : Glwargh?

 **Tucker** : Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

 **Church** : Hyeah, I mean seriously, what kind of name is Honk Honk?

'Names that should never be said.' Blake thought, 'I think I remember that anyone who hears that name in English goes into heat automatically.'

' _Really…'_ Noire thought with an evil smile coming upon her face, ' _Okay, Yang can wait. I have evil planning to do._ '

 **Alien** : Glwargh?

"He said (What?)" Blake translated,

"Doesn't really contribute to anything." Yang pointed out.

 **Church** : Hey, big alien, is your name Honk Honk?

 **Alien** : Lwargh.

"(No.)"

"Okay, now it does."

 **Church** : Hey wait a second, I think blarg means yes. Alien, does blarg mean yes?

 **Alien** : Blarg.

"No!" RWBYs called out, with Blake getting frustrated and yelling out,

"IT'S NO YOU FUCKTARD!"

 **Church** : Holy shit! Blarg means yes, he just said yes blarg means yes. I speak alien!

"No you don't! All you speak is a whole lot of bullshit!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Tex** : Yeah, unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes.

 **Church** : What, no way. Hey alien, am I right?

 **Alien** : Blarg.

 **Church** : Haha, see? The fuck do you know.

"Apparently, a lot more than you in Blarghian." Yang said.

_Cut to Sarge_

**Sarge** : After the final tabulations, we've declared a winner! Grif, the envelope please.

 **Grif** : Envelope? We don't have any envelopes, this is the army.

"Hey, don't you have to send letters home?" Blake pointed, only for everyone to look at her like she was crazy, "On second thought, I don't think it's worth the effort to send letters."

"Sarge probably doesn't even have anyone to write to." Weiss muttered before sighing, "A lonely existence indeed."

 **Sarge** : Donut's the winner.

 **Donut** : Hoh, yes!

 **Simmons** : Well, my life's officially over. Time to go kill myself.

"Hey, suicide is always an option." Yang said before realizing what she just said, "…Well, I'm ashamed of myself. Someone hit me."

"Gladly." Weiss said with a smile, "Ruby, Foam-Bat her!"

"Done!" Ruby replied as she did what Weiss told her and whacked her in the back of the head,

"Thanks Ruby." Yang said dizzily as she stumbled back into her chair.

 **Sheila** : Wait for me!

 **Simmons** : Look, no offense imaginary tank, but I don't believe in you. You're just a product of my imagination.

 **Sheila** : Actually, I'm a product of the military contractor that made the lowest bid. I'm a little ashamed of that.

"That… that actually makes so much sense." Blake said in a flat tone,

"No matter how shitty your military contractor was, YOU ARE STILL AWESOME!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : Well leave me alone, I can't have some imaginary tank ruining my excellent reputation. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go dig a hole to live in.

"Real rep booster right there." Yang muttered, "You will be known as 'The Maroon Kiss Ass of Holia'!"

' _Okay, that is just too easy._ ' Noire said as she giggled perversely, ' _So many holes, so little time._ '

'Just ignore her Blake. Just ignore the perverted little bitch in your head and focus on the episode.'

_Simmons runs off a little bit_

**Simmons** : ( _sigh_ ) I wish Grif was here. I could convince him there was food in the ground, then he would dig half the hole for me. Or, maybe a third of a hole. Then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal. On second thought I don't wish Grif was here.

The team couldn't help but chuckle a little, imagining just plain giving up; flip Simmons off for lying and diving into a tub of oatmeal.

 **Sheila** : You can live with me.

"Best. Roommate. Ever." Yang said as she gazed off into space with a dreamily look on her face,

"Great, a new reality TV show. A blonde and a tank, where one has a fetish for cars and the other has a fetish for killing people." Weiss said, "You know, I would actually watched that."

 **Simmons** : Just ignore it, it's not real.

"Yes." Ruby as she laughed evilly, "Pretend that the tank is not real. Drive yourself mad and into insanity as your mind deteriorates, causing you to eat your own eyes. And they will be a delicious pair of balls. Go on, it amuses me." Yang could feel a shiver go down her spine as well as her ribs starting to crack as Weiss tried to grab onto her and Blake came down from her Safety Bed and grabbed onto her teammate, seeing that the bed would not stop a Creepy Ruby,

"Wait, Pussy Cat! What are y-" She didn't finish her sentence as Blake accidently grabbed one of her boobs, causing her to moan. Blake quickly blushed and went back to her Safety Bed. Noire didn't even make a comment about obvious targets for perverted comments, she was just that scared of Ruby. Meanwhile, Ruby had to shake her head. It went cloudy for a second but it cleared up after a few seconds. (AN: snake screamer everyone!)

 **Sheila** : I have my own base. In fact, I've made lots of renovations since you all left. See?

_Simmons turns to see Blue Base_

"And you wonder: how she renovated Blue Base with nothing but dirt, rocks, gun parts and a cannon?" Blake asked,

"Because she's awesome like that!" Yang exclaimed as she raised her arms into the air,

"And?" Weiss asked,

"And?" Ruby repeated,

"Uh… well, um… SHUT UP!"

 **Simmons** : Hey, that's the old Blue base.

 **Sheila** : Yes! I was sent to guard it from something. I can't really remember what... some of my memory banks have failed over the years. Do you remember what the Blues were fighting?

"That might be a little awkward." Ruby said, "If she finds out, she'll blow Simmons into tiny little chunks of meat. Great for baiting Grimm." Right now, Blake was wishing that there was a higher ceiling.

 **Simmons** : Uuuuuuh I think it was pirates.

 **Sheila** : Are you sure? I think it was another army. I think they were a different colour.

"Red." The RWBYs said at the same time.

 **Simmons** : No, it was definitely pirates.

"Red Pirates." Ruby said, "Where they hate the sea for being blue.

 **Sheila** : That doesn't sound right.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, pirates. And, I think there were some ninjas that were working with them.

"Red Ninjas." Weiss muttered, "Who love blood. Lots and lots of blood."

"And the organs Weiss, you can't forget the organs."

*Sigh* "Yes Ruby. And spilled organs."

 **Sheila** : Neaw, I don't think so.

 **Simmons** : And I think they had travelled, from another planet.

"Yeah, it's called Bull-Shit-Fuck-You 69." Yang muttered,

' _Hehehe, sixty-nine_.'

'Real mature Noire…'

 **Sheila** : Incorrect.

 **Simmons** : I think it was called Cowboyland.

"Bull-Shit-Fuck-You 69." Yang repeated after herself,

"Where a lot of bullshit  _really_ goes down." Weiss added in, though Yang didn't hear.

 **Sheila** : Negative.

 **Simmons** : And they were here to rustle up some cattle.

"In a canyon in the middle of nowhere and the only water source is your urine." Blake muttered.

 **Sheila** : No.

 **Simmons** : But the Blues were gonna stop'em.

 **Sheila** : Naw.

 **Simmons** : No wait- monkeys. Monkey pirates.

"Okay, now this is just getting sad." Weiss said as she pinched the bridge of her nose… I guess.

 **Sheila** : Nope.

 **Simmons** : From ...Uranus.

"Uranus is Red!" Yang exclaimed, "Okay, that sounded wrong."

"What's Uranus?" Ruby asked,

' _Well, your anus is,'_

'Shut. Up. Noire.'

 **Sheila** : My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely. And my bullshit meter agrees.

"I wish we had a bullshit meter here." Yang muttered, "That way, we can make sure bullshit like Ruby's MPD and Weiss dying and turning into a ghost wouldn't happen." The Ghost Heiress only sighed,

"I'm not dead. Ruby scared my fucking soul out of me and I don't know how to get back in my body." Weiss told Yang, even though she knew she wouldn't hear,

"She's becoming more like Church every day!" Cue Weiss Ghost Punching her,

"START THE NEXT FUCKING EPISODE!" Ruby quickly grabbed the remote and pressed the commonly used button called play.

**(The Hard Stop)**

_Fade in to the building the Blues are in_

**Tucker** : Church! Chuu-urch, hey Church!

 **Church** : I'm right behind you dumbass.

 **Tucker** : Oh. Hey Church, do you have a knife?

"Well, this is starting off great." Yang said.

 **Church** : No. That's a weapon dude, ask Tex.

 **Tucker** : She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff I think.

"What? Like castration? Because I will gladly provide." Of all people, Weiss said. She has used Myrtenaster to turn men into women.

 **Church** : Huh? Like what?

 **Tucker** : Hai don't know, I stopped asking questions at 'girl stuff'.

 **Church** : What're you two guys doin'?

 **Tucker** : We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.

"Oh, that explains the whiteboard." Weiss said,

"That fuck!? It looks like a 4 year old wrote that shit!" Yang exclaimed, "I can't even read the majority of it! Apart from 'Give Tucker Money'."

"I didn't expect Tucker to have horrible penmanship." Blake admitted.

 **Church** : How're you gonna do that?

 **Tucker** : People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard.

"Oh son of bitch…" Weiss groaned, 'I hate my tutors. I'm truly is hate them.'

 **Church** : Maybe you should try learning his language.

 **Tucker** : Fuck that, we got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.

"Sounds like a dumb name for a place." Yang muttered, before getting set on fire, "Oh God dammit…"

"OH SHIT! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?" Weiss exclaimed as Yang spontaneously combusted, her only answer coming from a rock getting through the window, passing through Weiss straight into Yang gut. As Yang ran to the bathroom while holding onto her stomach, Weiss read the note.

'Don't. Fuck. With Earth.

-U & H, RT & LKAB

P.S from U & H: I like fire.'

"I have new enemies now…" Yang groaned after she read the note, only for another rock to come through the window, which still hit Yang but Ruby caught.

'We're not your enemy. We're just abusing you for entertainment value.

-U & H'

"They're probably laughing at your torture Yang." Ruby said until she got an idea and a sadistic smile, "I wonder what would happen if we actually tortured you?" And thus, an Xbox 360 controller (which was orange and had a marijuana leaf on it) crashed through the window and hit Yang once again,

"I think I'm getting bruises." Yang moaned in pain, "I need a helmet…" While she was on the floor, Blake grabbed the controller and read the note on it.

'NO TORTURE, RUBY! Real torture is unethical.

-RT

P.S: We ran out of rocks.'

"Kinda noticed." Blake muttered as she looked at the controller. Suddenly, the controller glowed brown, "YOLO!" Blake exclaimed randomly before quickly covering her mouth and throwing the controller, which hit Weiss' body in the eye, causing her scarred eye to have a black eye for company,

"Oh, fuck you Faunus." Weiss growled out as she saw her body getting hit with the 'YOLO' controller.

 **Church** : Tucker there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.

 **Tucker** : Hyeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101, remedial kick-ass.

"There's also Japanese and Latin." Blake pointed out, "Semper Fi, bitch!"

"I think I know a bit of Latin." Yang groaned out as she went back to her chair, "'Tanti Non Sumus', right?" Blake nodded, "Good, because I have no fucking clue what I just said."

 **Church** : Alright, there is no way this is gonna work.

 **Tucker** : Yeah it is, we got visual aids and everything.

"Your 'visual aids' suck dick!" Weiss exclaimed, "They suck dick so much that they suck dick at sucking dick!"

' _Becoming more like Church every day._ '

'What was that Noire?'

' _Nothing!_ '

 **Church** : Where the hell'd you get those?

 **Tucker** : We made 'em. Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets- it was loaded with crayons. I just need to cut one of these things, you have a pocket knife?

 **Church** : Hey if you need to cut something, why don't you just use that big sword o' yours?

 **Tucker** : Oh right. Duh.

_Tucker draws the sword, though not with one of Caboose's crayons_

**Alien** : Whargh? ( _sees Tucker holding the sword_ )

"Oh, you know will not end well." Yang said.

 **Alien:** RHURRRRRRRGH!

_The Alien jumps Tucker and beats the ever-living shit out of him, and some shit that was never alive as well as shit that came back as shit zombies that make more shit and now being re-killed by the shit beating alien, and just keeps hitting him until further notice. So yeah, the alien is hitting Tucker and won't be stopping anytime soon._

"Yes. Yes! DESTROY HIM! RIP OUT HIS SPINE AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT!" Ruby exclaimed,

"Yeah! Keep it up! Go for the crotch! Don't let up!" Weiss ordered,

"Thank you God for answering my prayers!" Blake said as she laughed at Tucker's unfortunate beatdown, "And now, can you take care of the Creepy Ruby problem and put Weiss back in her body?"

"HAHA! Take that you fucking douche! Karma's a bitch, and so are punches!" Yang cheered as she started laughing evilly (AN: From NebulaXYZ from a long time ago!).

 **Tucker** : Ahh, what the fuck!?

 **Church** : Whoa! Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you.

"Hmm… I think the alien's beating Tucker since he has the sword, and based on what Tex said, he wants to kill Tucker since the sword only works for him now and he needs that sword to save his species." Blake theorized,

"So… the alien hates him because he had the sword." Yang simplified,

"Basically."

 **Tucker** : Aaaaaaaah, get this fucking thing off me!

 **Church** : Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight.

"Well, from our advanced analysis and observations, the alien's fight style is based on hitting its target, or our test subject Lavernius Tucker, over and over and over again." Weiss said a little jokingly,

"Well, we better evaluate him when he rips Tucker's arms off before he shoves it up his ass, de-spine him before re-spine-ing him after using it to stir his internal organs to make a nice soup and force feeding it to him." Ruby said, "But not without some seasoning and some bread to go with it."

"Note to self: Never let Ruby make soup." Blake said, with Yang quickly agreeing,

' _Uh… Blake?'_

'Yeah, Noire?'

' _I-I have to go and hide in the recesses of your mind now._ '

'C-Can I come with you?'

' _Hey, someone has to control this body._ ' Noire said as her voice faded away. Blake couldn't help but hyperventilating,

'Shit, things are really bad when Noire goes into hiding. Ruby really is that scary.' (AN: classicalass everyone!)

 **Tucker** : Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

 **Church** : Now hold still. For science.

 **Tucker** : Not the face, not the face!

"In the balls! In the balls!" Yang exclaimed, "DESTROY HIS MANHOOD!"

_Cut to Blue Base back in the Gulch, to the sound of the radio tuning in to something_

**Simmons** : Sarge, can you hear me, Sarge, come in. Sarge, Sarge do you read me, this is Simmons, come in.

 **Donut** : Hello, Red Army HQ. We don't stop until every Blue is dead.

"What a great greeting." Weiss said sarcastically, "Very Family-Friendly."

 **Simmons** : Donut, let me talk to Sarge.

 **Donut** : For help in English, press or say 1.

 **Simmons** : One.

"Yep, aren't that smart, huh Simmons?" Yang said,

"He wasn't that smart to begin with." Weiss pointed out.

 **Donut** : Para Español, marque número dos.

"Oh, I know this." Blake said, "(To check Spanish, press 2.)"

"Wow, Donut really knows his Spanish." Weiss stated,

"Not really. I just corrected it. It's actually (To check Spanish, number 2.)"

 **Simmons** : One. Wuuunnnnah. Wu- God dammit. ( _presses one on the keypad_ )

 **Donut** : For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press one too, as in also.

"Busted." Yang said, "Dick Simmons is definitely not a Dutch-Irish name."

"How do you know?" Blake asked,

"Meh, doesn't sound like it."

 **Simmons** : Donut!

 **Donut** : Oh, hey Simmons, what's up?

"Okay, that was not a answering machine." Blake said.

"Didn't fall for it for a second." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons** : Donut, put Sarge on.

 **Donut** : Oooh, yeah, Sarge is reeeally busy. Things have really picked up since you left, uhh...

 **Sarge** : Donut, I'm not here.

"You left your radio on, asshole!" Weiss called out.

 **Donut** : Leh, luh, let me see, do you mind if I put you on hold?

 **Sarge** : Just take a message.

 **Simmons** : Donut stop screening my calls!

 **Donut** : Sorry Simmons, Sarge isn't available at the moment. I'll tell you what I can ask him to call you back but, it's really better if you have an appointment.

"For what!? The only appointments he would have are either an attempt to kill Grif or doing jack shit!" Yang exclaimed,

"You can't forget being a dick to the Reds." Ruby pointed out, "I would've killed Grif years ago if I was their leader. And Simmons. I'd keep Donut in the basement, only being fed once a week. While he's there, maybe I'd turn Lopez into a coffee maker. God, he'd make the best Spanish coffee."

"I really wish it was Yang who could hear me." Weiss said as she floated away, only to be pulled back into her seat. Ruby just looked at her and she froze right in place, with the pickle still between her legs,

"Stay. Here." Ruby said slowly, "We don't want you going to the afterlife, don't we?"

"Y-Y-Y-Yes Ruby." Weiss stuttered.

 **Simmons** : Oh for the love of God I can hear him, Donut. Would you just tell him that I've captured the Blue Base and- ...and taken possession of their tank.

 **Donut** : Right right, Simmons...

 **Sarge** : Tell him you've got call waiting.

 **Donut** : Blue-

 **Sarge** : No no-

 **Donut** : Base-

 **Sarge** : You're going through a tunnel!

"Sarge, give it up. Everything you're doing is not working." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Taaaaaaaaaaank. Tank.

 **Simmons** : Are you really writing this down?

 **Donut** : Look I have to go, we have a conference call with Grif in five minutes. He's pitching ideas for how to use your rations. Gotta run! If anything comes up, we'll call you. And Simmons?

 **Simmons** : What...

 **Donut** : This job is the best! I can't believe you quit! ( _Turns off the radio_ )

"'Quit'? More like fired." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : ... ... ... That's it, I'm gonna kill 'em all.

"Okay, okay, okay. Stop there." Weiss told Ruby, who quickly responded,

"Oh, what the hell!? We were getting to the good parts!" Yang said,

"Good parts. In Red vs Blue." Blake said flatly, "Really?"

"Shut up." Yang quickly said, "Anyway, why did you stop it, Ruby?"

"Weiss wanted me to." Ruby answered,

"Weiss, why?"

"Oh, this is just bullshit." Weiss said ignoring the blonde. Ruby then repeated what Weiss said,

"What do you mean?" Blake asked. Weiss just scoffed,

"Isn't it obvious? Simmons may hate his team but he doesn't hate them enough to kill them. They may be assholes in their own right but from what I've seen, he doesn't really care. He just wants attention. This is basically a cry for attention since Sarge is ignoring him and he respect Sarge like he was his father, and with that respect for him gone, he will do anything to get their attention. Even bluffing an attack." Weiss explained, "Just you wait, in a few seconds he will walk up to the base, shoot at them a little and say he wants to be back on the team, even as a lowly grunt." Ruby the repeated everything Weiss said, "And now, we wait." Weiss then signaled Ruby to un-pause the video, which she did.

 **Simmons:** Hey Sheila, lock and load! We got somewhere to go!

And Weiss theory shattered at those two sentences, "Yep, he's definitely going to attack the base." Yang said, "He's just bringing a tank with him to further con-oh, who am I kidding? HE'S GOING TO FUCK SOME SHIT UP WITH SHELIA BABY!"

_Cut back to the Blues' building, with the Alien still beating Tucker in the back of the head on the ground_

**Tucker** : Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

"Man, he can really take a beating." Blake noted,

"Well, he did survive a rocket and came out just fine." Weiss pointed out, 'Yeee-ep. Still can't hear me.'

 **Tex** : Alright bomb, we need to talk.

 **Andy** : Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?

"Tex isn't that boyish." Blake stated, "She's just more of a take charge kind of woman."

' _Submissive~'_

'Oh dear God, why did you give me this succubus?'

' _He got bored, Pussy Cat. He got bored._ '

 **Tex** : Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?

 **Andy** : A lady, who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.

"Well, it's true, I guess." Yang said.

 **Tex** : Uhhh, I knew this was a bad idea.

 **Andy** : Hey Tex, why you got black armor, couldn't find any in flannel?

 **Tex** : Listen jackass-

 **Andy** : Flannel!

 **Tex** : I put you together, I can take you apart.

"Preferably explosively." Ruby said, 'Please blow her up now, please blow her up now, please blow her the fuck up now…' Ruby thought. For some reason, the others knew what Ruby was thinking and they all slowly tried to move away, with Weiss being unsuccessful since Ruby pulled her down with a bit more force.

 **Andy** : Hey whaddaya mean?

 **Tex** : Bombs, come with remote detonators dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but none-the-less, a memory.

 **Andy** : I think you're bluffin'. ...Dyke.

 **Tex** : Okay, strike two.

 **Andy** : Alright. Whaddaya want?

 **Tex** : Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.

"That would explain how Andy could talk and think, even though many of them are insulting to many species and genders." Blake said, "Tex must've used parts of the robot's vocal devices and took a part of it's brain to help with the countdown process. Pretty genius to me."

"NERD!" Yang exclaimed automatically after her partner was done. Weiss only gave Ruby a look. The creepy girl in red nodded and pulled out the fruit bazooka and aimed it right at her sister's head. After a few hours of cleaning up, they continued watching.

 **Andy** : Yeah, sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.

The others blushed while Ruby was clueless on what 'Personal Devices' meant, 'Like a phone or something?'

 **Tex** : Whoa- okay, can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?

 **Andy** : Of course! But what's in it for me?

"Out of the job again." Blake muttered sadly, 'I love translating shit.'

' _Plus, guys think it's sexy.'_  For once, Blake agreed.

 **Tex** : Let's put it this way. You don't push my buttons, and I, don't push yours.

 **Andy** : Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!

 **Tex** : Deal. Come on. ( _starts walking, then turns around_ ) Well are you coming?

 **Andy** : What'm I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up ya dumb bitch!

"I like this bomb." Ruby said. Yang was about against the wall at this point, 'Thing to add to what to do to prepare for the next season: Use the Ballroom.' Yang thought.

 **Tex** : Great, I can tell this is starting off well.

 **Andy** : Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe-

_Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud_

"You deserved it, you dick!" The RWBYs exclaimed.

 **Andy** : Heyy, aw come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin', it's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!

"And that ends another set." Yang said as she turned off the TV before looking at the time, "And one fucked up morning." She then yawned, "God damn, it feels like midnight."

"Well Yang, maybe you should get some sleep." Weiss suggested, with Ruby repeating it, "You should while me & Blake find out a way to put me back in my body." Ruby then suddenly remembered some about ghosts. Ruby looked at Weiss before grabbing her, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

"Ruby! What are you doing!?" Blake exclaimed as she got down from the Safety Bed,

"Putting Weiss back in her body!" Ruby answered as the ghost struggled in her arms, trying to get out. Ruby closed her eyes, turned in the direction where she thought Weiss' body was and yelled out, "I hope this works! I hope after this you'll forgive me for doing this to you!"

"Ru-BY!" Weiss yelled as the young girl threw her. There was a silence after that. Ruby opened her eyes and saw Weiss' ghost anywhere in sight. Instead, she saw Yang just standing there,

"Yang, why are you standing there?" Ruby asked. Yang could only twitch as she felt a massive drop in temperature in her body,

"Higakergerk!" Yang said as her twitching increased before she blacked out and collapsed on the floor. Ruby looked at her older sister worryingly before turning to Blake, who had already ran the hell out of there,

"…Is Yang a ghost now?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	31. Help Us (Previous Commitments, Looking for Group, Exploring Our Differences)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh... All RvB scenes and dialogue are the property of Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Yang had a story she wanted to tell her friends. How she went to the beach, dated a few guys, got a tan and teased the hell out of the Pussy Cat herself. That was the dream she had for summer.

She didn't expect to be trapped in Beacon, watch soldiers kill each other while her little adopted sister was going through 10 different personalities, getting hit by random rocks, being targeted by people she had no fucking idea who they were, dealing with the ghost of her friend and getting the shit scared out of her daily, all while restraining themselves from killing each other.

Getting possessed by said ghost just made things worse.

"Yang, are you alright?" Blake asked with worry in her voice as her partner sat up. Ruby was also there, except way too close to Yang's face than a human being should be. The blonde rubbed her eyes, seeing that she was out for an hour and opened her now pale blue eyes, meeting with Ruby's blank ones,

" **Ruby?"**  Weiss said through Yang's body,

"Weiss?" Ruby asked. Yang quickly shook her head and looked at Ruby, now back to her usual lavender,

"No! I'm not Weiss!" Yang said before she shook her head again and looked at Ruby with pale blue ones,  **"But I am Weiss! But…"** Yang then took over and gritted her teach as she fought for control over her, "I…  **am…** definitely… **Weiss** /Yang!" The ghost Heiress and the Brawler exclaimed at the same time before noticing Ruby was invading their personal space. Yang and Weiss squeaked and quickly crawled away, "Ruby! You were kinda invading my personal space back there!"

"I just wanted to see if you're alright." Ruby said as she rubbed her arm. Weiss quickly took over and glared at the creepy girl,

" **Well, as you can see _we_ are perfectly fine." **Weiss said through gritted teeth before switching to Yang, "Well, at least you have a body now. I'm willing to share." Yang said, trying to make light of the situation they were in before switching to Weiss,  **"I want MY body, not your brutish one!"** "Hey! You possessed me! At least I own this body!"  **"No, Ruby threw me into your body! And by the way, your body isn't as flexible as my one! I have elegance! Grace! Motherfucking finesse to it!"** "At least MY body is hot! I motherfucking burn, bitch!"  **"You take that back, Yang!"** "Make me." **"Apologize."** "No you!"  **"No you!"** "No you!"  **"No you!"**

"WEISS! YANG!" Blake exclaimed, having enough of the fighting,

" **Hu** h?" Weiss/Yang said as Weiss was in the middle of pulling Yang's hair out and turning to the Faunus,

"Look, I know you two hate sharing a body! I know I would,"

' _Do, Pussy Cat, Do.'_

'Shut up Noire.' "But right now, this is a perfect way to communicate with Weiss until we figure out a way to get you back into your body or at least communicate with you when you're not out possessing people."

" **Ruby. Threw me. Into Yang."**

"Whatever, all we need is time and some information on the, the, the, the, the,"

"Supernatural." Ruby finished, "Where the demons and devils will rise and kill everyone and will eventually conquer the world while everyone will be slaves."

"R-R-Right. The s-su-s-superna-na-natural." Blake stuttered out, shivering at the word while moving away from Ruby, "Magic, witchcraft, g-g-g-g-g-ghosts."

' _Slaves, huh? I wonder…_ '

'YOU ARE NOT BECOMING A DEMON OVERLORD! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A BODY!'

'… _You don't know that.'_

'YES I DO!' Blake then sighed outwardly, 'Why did mother give me those erotic books?'

' _Because, you know, sharing is caring._ ' With that thought in mind, this made Blake hope her other was lying. That, or she didn't have someone Noire to deal with. Unfortunately, she was wrong,

"Eh… I don't know…" Yang said, "Couldn't we just do that later?" Weiss groaned in Yang's head and switched with her,  **"Yang, you're the laziest person I know right now."** "Says the girl who's too lazy to use her body!"  **"I WAS THROWN IN HERE!"** "I'M STILL MAD YOU TOOK MY BODY!"  **"Oh for the love of God, IF YOU WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE, BLAME RUBY!"** As soon as she heard her name, she quickly ran up to them and invaded their space again,

"What was that?" Ruby asked innocently, but came out as anger,

'You see! I don't want to blame Ruby so I have to blame you for getting the shit scared out of you.' Yang thought,  **'I guess you're right but at least blame someone else.'** 'But the only other person here is…'

"BLAKE,  **THIS** IS  **YOUR** FAULT **!"** Yang & Weiss yelled at the innocent cat girl,

"What the hell!? Why!?" Blake demanded,

" **I don't know, you could've _stopped_ Ruby from grabbing me!" **Weiss said, but knowing that Blake would be too scared to,

"But, uh… you know, Ruby and," Blake tried to say, only for Yang to stand up,

"Bup bup bup!" Yang said as she used her fingers to clamp her partner's mouth shut, "No more words. We're going to watch more RvB until Little Miss Ghost Princess is out of my body." She then leaned in and whispered into Blake's human pair of ears, "I'm sorry Pussy Cat but it was either blame you or blame Ruby."

"You're a bitch sometimes, you know." Blake whispered back,

"I am not a bitch... most of the time."

"I wasn't talking to you." Yang's eyes turned into Weiss', allowing the Heiress to flip her off,

" **Just shut up and start the next set of episodes."**  Weiss growled out as she moved Yang's body to her chair and started eating the pickle that was on it. It was going to take some getting used to since Yang was so uh…top-heavy. Blake sighed and took Yang's old spot, knowing that since Weiss was in Yang's body, she couldn't hurt her with her ghost powers. Though, she didn't take in the fact that Weiss could use Yang's body to fuck her up physically, but Weiss didn't know that as well so she was safe. When Ruby took her spot in the middle of them, they quickly shifted a step to the left before Blake picked up the remote, hoped to God that she wasn't next and pressed play.

**(Previous Commitments)**

_Fade in to the Blues... more or less_

**Church** : You have got to be kidding me. There is no way I'm gonna let this happen.

 **Tex** : I told you, he can do it.

 **Andy** : Yeah, I'm qualified.

"Yeah, qualified to be a jackass." Blake muttered, while keeping an eye on Yang, making sure Weiss doesn't take Yang's body over permanently, 'It pays to be paranoid.'

 **Church** : Listen I don't doubt, that he can do it. I doubt that I want him to do it.

 **Andy** : Why?

"Well, let's see: You're sexist, you're a bomb who probably wants to blow up and kill everyone and you're overall a total dick." Yang said, "And not to mention just plain rude."

 **Church** : Well you know what Andy? You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals.

 **Andy** : That's bullshit! You're only saying that 'cause you're a racist.

 **Church** : Racist- bombs are not a race!

 **Andy** : Eh, shut up ya dirty Shisno.

" **Wanna add racist and a hypocrite to that list, Yang?"** Weiss asked before switching to Yang, "Definitely."

"All that head shaking isn't healthy." Ruby pointed out, "If you do it too much, you'll snap your neck and cause both of you to be ghosts, watching over us as we bury Yang's body in a shallow ditch in Emerald Forest. And maybe Weiss' too just in case we can't find a way to return you back into your frail, delicious body." Yang quickly switched with Weiss, who had to ask,

" **Uh… why delicious?"** She asked, worried that Ruby was becoming a cannibal,

"Your skin tasted like vanilla."

" **That's because you licked vanilla ice-cream off of my cheek during the Vale Festival."**  Weiss reasoned before forcing Yang's body to shift away from Ruby regardless of what she meant.

 **Church** : We finally make contact with an alien being, and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through a bomb? Am I the only person who has a problem with this?

"Many people will have a problem with it." Yang said, "Especially the bomb part."

 **Andy** : Well unless you've got your English to Blarg-blarg dictionary, I don't think you got a choice, now do ya.

 **Caboose** : I had one of those, but I threw it out. It didn't have many pictures.

"Well, they don't." Blake said as she pulled a English to Blarghian dictionary out of nowhere,

"Where did you get that?" Yang asked,

"I always keep one on me in case I forget a word."

"But what about," Ruby then shushed them demonically, causing them to shut up.

 **Tex** : I'm sure this'll be fine.

 **Church** : You know I feel that I'm gonna regret this, but I feel even more that I just don't care, and that watching this whole thing unravel might be kinda interesting. Go for it.

 **Tex** : Alright, where's the alien?

" **He forgot, didn't he?"** Weiss said as she pinched the bridge of Yang's nose as she shook her head,  **"You had one job Church. ONE JOB!"**

 **Church** : Oh shit, I forgot.

_Cut to the alien still beating the shit and shit zombies out the back of Tucker's head_

**Tucker** : ( _with each strike, as if bored_ ) Ow, ow, ow...

"Wow, he actually kept going." Blake said in disbelief, "He really wants to kill Tucker, doesn't he?"

"It almost sounds like… he's bored." Yang muttered, "You're beating is ineffective my alien friend."

"It's no fun when you're just hitting him over and over and over again." Ruby said with a pout. It came out as a wicked smile, causing the girls to lean away (AN: From classicalass!).

_Cut to Donut riding around in the purple thing_

**Donut** : Grif. Oh Griiiiiiiif... ...Grif!

 **Grif** : Huh, great.

 **Donut** : There you are, where've you been?

 **Grif** : Right here.

 **Donut** : I've been lookin' all over for you. I looked in the base, I looked around the base, I looked on top of the base, I looked in the base again-

"Okay, we get it! You looked everywhere! Get on with it!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Grif** : I think you need to learn what "all over" means.

 **Donut** : Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back to the base, and-

 **Grif** : No, I'm not going to do it.

 **Donut** : No? But I didn't tell you what he wants.

"It's Sarge, Donut. He either wants Grif dead, miserable or doing work that he doesn't want to do." Blake said.

 **Grif** : Donut it's Sarge. I know he doesn't want me to come in to the base to help him eat ice cream, he wants me to do stuff. Work stuff.

 **Donut** : But-

 **Grif** : Listen Donut, I know you're ridin' high on your new promotion right now, but don't think you can order me around. Me and Simmons we had a system. He didn't try to tell me what to do, and I didn't ignore him.

 **Donut** : Wait you ignored him all the time.

 **Grif** : I'm sorry, wha I wasn't listening to you. See, the system works. Learn the system Donut.

" **I kinda wish we had that system in the first few days."** Weiss muttered before switching to Yang,

"Then you'd probably end up like Grif & Simmons." Yang said as she chuckled a little, before her hands started choking her,

' **I swear to God, of you say that again I will kill you.'** Weiss growled out in Yang's mind,  **'I'm already Church. Don't make me Grif.'** "O-Okay." Yang wheezed out before Weiss let go, 'Am I really strong enough to choke myself to death?' Yang thought as she looked at her hands, 'That would explain when Uncle Qrow stopped giving me puppies… after this, I'm apologizing to Ruby.'

_Cut to Simmons painted blue on top of the cliff, spying on Grif and Donut through the sniper rifle_

"Okay, now I know he's taking it seriously." Blake said, "If he's willing to switch to the Blues, he really wants to return to the Reds, even though he's faking being a Blue." Yang only gave Blake a confused look,

"All I heard was Red, Blue and Fake." Yang said,

' **How could you not understand that? It's simple!'** Weiss exclaimed in Yang's mind,

'I know I can! I'm not that dumb! Are you messing with my brain in there?'

' **No…'** Weiss said as she searched through Yang's memories, accidently bringing up something that ruined Yang's innocence,  **'What's th-Oh. OH! HOLY SH-OH MY GOD, I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THAT! OH GOD, MY SOUL! MY GOD DAMN SOUL!'**

 **Simmons** : Look at those jerks. They don't know how good they have it. Alright Sheila, remember the plan. We don't wanna hurt them, I just wanna make them totally jealous for kicking me out. How does my armor look, am I all blue?

 **Sheila** : Yes!

"Apart from the bits of maroon!" Yang pointed out before a shiver went down her spine, 'I hope didn't find the time I walked into my grandparents' room that one time.' She then shivered, 'Why young me? Why did you want to join them?'

 **Simmons** : Okay, let's start Operation Blue with Envy. You know 'cause normally it's green, but I'm gon- I'm blue, but it doesn't make any sense to say y- you know.

"Hurry up and kill someone already." Blake groaned, making Yang (as well as Weiss) look at her weirdly, "What? I just want something to happen apart from talking and complaining."

" **But that's what we do every season."** Weiss said before realizing what she said,  **'You're rubbing off on me Yang.'**

'Well, you are kinda like the Yin to my Yang right now.' Yang punned. Weiss sighed as she forced Yang's body to grab a tomato and mash it in her face, 'Of course…'

 **Simmons:** Attack! ( _loudly so Grif can hear_ ) Hey Sheila, you know what's great? Being on Blue team, it's so awesome. Way more awesome than being on that ol' Red team. Anyone can be on Red team where you have to share a base, on Blue team, I get my own base.

"That's because the real Blues aren't even there." Blake muttered,

"That, or there were Red & Blue teams there after they fought a bloody and gory war, trying to gain possession of the useless flag. They eventually wiped each other out though, as their corpses started to decay and eventually leave only dust, blending into the rocks. Their armour went next as they rusted into shells of its former users, and like all things, became the dirt underneath them." Ruby said. The girls shifted further away from their leader, while amazed that Ruby could make rusting armour creepy.

 **Grif** : Is that Simmons? Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue!? Have you finally lost it!?

 **Simmons** : This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.

 **Sheila** : Firing main cannon. ( _fires_ )

" **Okay, I have to admit that I don't care if they care or not, I just want to shoot the bastards."** Weiss admitted, "Aw… you really are rubbing off me." Yang said as she hugged herself,

'It's official. Hell has frozen over.' Blake thought in fear, 'I think the only sane person here apart from me is Ruby.'

' _I'm right here, you know!'_

'Correction: Ruby  _is_ the only sane person here.'

_Cut to Donut and Sarge_

**Donut** : I did my best Sarge, but Grif said he wouldn't come help.

 **Sarge** : Son of a Ben 'n' Jerry, who's gonna help me eat all this ice cream we found?

"Wait, they actually have ice-cream in their freezer!? But they're in the future! Let alone, THE ARMY!" Yang exclaimed, "Wait, THEY HAVE FREEZERS IN THE FUTURE!? Wow, tech hasn't advanced that much, has it?"

"They must've had a pretty good freezer if it could survive in Blood Gulch." Ruby pointed out, "A good enough freezer to cool even an innocent soul into a block of ice, allowing you to cut it with a knife and into nice slices, where you can put it in sandwiches and eat them, gaining the power and knowledge of the now soulless person. But you must have a sharp, easily concealable knife." Then she pulled out Crescent Rose, which somehow changed designs and was looking pretty much like Death's Scythe from Dante's Inferno, "Or my baby. That should suffice."

"Okay Ruby, no more ice-cream for you." Yang said before pausing and adding in, "Or sugar for the next 3 years." (AN: From Warlord-Xana!)

_Sheila's first shot hits the side of Red Base_

**Donut** : Aaaahh, we're under attack!

"Well, no shit Sherlock! Go write a book about it!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Sheila** : Target locked.

 **Sarge** : Donut, you formulate a retaliation strategy. I'll secure the rum raisin.

"Sarge in a nutshell, everyone!" Yang said. Weiss could help but giggle quietly,  **'I have to admit Sarge does have his moments…'**

_Cut back to the Blues... except for Simmons apparently_

**Tucker** : Oh-hohohoh, man. I'm gonna die.

 **Alien** : Blargh arg-honk, largh, lwargh.

"Oh, I know this." Blake said, "(It looks like I cannot kill you, but I cannot give up, not yet anyway.)"

"That thing really wants Tucker's sword, doesn't he?" Yang said,

' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ '

'OH FOR FUCK SAKE, NOIRE!'

 **Caboose** : What's he saying now Andy?

 **Andy** : Look guy, if you want me to translate for ya, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, what's he sayin' now Andy, what's he sayin' now? I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!

"If I wasn't a Huntress, I'd probably be a translator." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : That's what he said? That's a weird thing to say. Uh, tell him I said okay, I will not ask any, more of uh... that and also, no.

"…No words." Yang said flatly,  **"I didn't even understand even an eighth of what Caboose just said."** Weiss admitted, "That's how I feel when I listen to Professor Ca-Oobleck!"

"Yang, that's how everyone feels when they listen to him, they do have the same voice after all." Ruby pointed out. This caused the girls to shiver at the thought of Caboose teaching a class. They were sure he was going destroy Beacon with nothing but a pencil and a book.

 **Church** : I think I need a translator just for Caboose.

 **Alien** : Wuarrrrgh!

"And the alien agrees and he's kinda pissed!" Blake translated as she rubbed her forehead, "And I don't think I can speak Stupid."

 **Andy** : Okay basically he's uh, he says he's pissed off.

 **Church** : Oh rea- yea- no kidding. Tex, are we paying for this service?

"It's a bomb. What are you going to pay it with? Money? Gunpowder? A chance to blow up an entire base!?" Yang exclaimed, "Make it Red Base. I WANT THE PURPLE THING!"

' _Where do you want it, in the rear or right in the front?'_

'Shut. Up, Noire!' Blake thought angrily, not adding in that it was actually pretty good,

' _Soon, my Pussy Cat. Soon.'_ Noire thought as she went back to work.

 **Tex** : Just give him a chance.

 **Alien** : Blargh, largh, wahublargh.

 **Andy** : He says he came to claim some type of thing, and that the teal one took the thing...

 **Alien** : Blarg blaargh.

 **Andy** : And that now the thing is gone.

 **Tucker** : Who's the teal one?

"You are, idiot." Blake muttered.

 **Tex** : You are, idiot.

"Well, at least I have someone respectable." Blake then glanced at Yang, who turned into Weiss and flipped her off.

 **Tucker** : No way, I'm aqua. Teal's out.

"It looks teal." Yang said,  **"No, it's definitely aqua."** "It's teal."  **"Aqua."** "Teal."  **"Aqua."** "Teal!"  **"Aqua!"** "TEAL!"  **"AQUA YOU LITTLE SHIT!"** Weiss then punched Yang in the face, "Hey! Oh, you want to play rough now? Well take this!" Yang exclaimed as she tackled herself to the ground. While Yang was killing herself, her teammates were on the sidelines looking at the one person cat fight,

"Blake, why do have that?" Ruby asked, pointing at Blake's video camera,

"Blackmail." Blake simply answered as she recorded the whole fight. Eventually, Yang & Weiss stopped fighting since no matter what they did, both would get hurt, "You two done?" Yang nodded, "Good, now let's continue." Blake then un-paused the video.

 **Church** : That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken it's right there.

 **Alien** : Argh blargh!

 **Andy** : He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from his resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.

" **WHAT!? THAT WAS A TRIAL!?"**  Weiss shouted out, remembering Tucker's long and gruesome trial to obtain the sword, which was right in front of him as he fell about 5 feet, **"You know what, I'm taking Yang's awesome alien comment, because any race that thinks falling through a hole is a holy trial trail deserves one big punch to the face."** Weiss the switched with Yang, "Now hold on, maybe it was a mistranslation. Pussy Cat, what did he really say?"

"Uh… actually, that's what the alien said. Andy is doing his job as a translator perfectly." Blake said with a small blush,

"Oh, okay then. In that case: ALIEN TRIALS SUCK DICK!" (AN: From Iron-Mantis!), "Oh, and nice pun by the way." It took Weiss a few seconds to go back and remember what she said before face palming while Yang was pelted by the fruit-zooka.

 **Tex** : Uh oh.

"Well, that race is fucked."Blake muttered, "Their Hero is an idiot pervert and the trial is as simple as falling into a hole."

"All hope is lost. KILL EVERYONE! EVEN THE CHILDREN! THERE IS NO HOPE LEFT! EVERYONE MUST DIE BEFORE THE END HAPPENS!" Ruby yelled out, all while not noticing everyone else shifting as far away as they could.

 **Tucker** : Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

"Don't say that." Blake said as everyone (yes, even Ruby) shivered at the thought of Caboose being God.

 **Church** : This all sounds like bullshit to me.

 **Tex** : No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?

 **Church** : Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. Mean you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.

The girls were pissed at why Tex couldn't wield the sword, but giggled a bit when they realized that she, one of, no, THE smartest person in the entire canyon of Blood Gulch couldn't work a TV.

 **Tex** : Alright then you little smartass, you pick it up and try it.

_Church looks at the sword, then at the alien's big teeth_

**Alien** : Hur hur hur hur.

"It's almost like he's daring him to." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Nah, I'll take his word for it.

 **Alien** : Blargh blurg blabu blarg.

 **Andy** : And now you gotta go with him, to fulfill the prophecy.

 **Tucker** : Fuck you.

 **Alien** : Blar blarg blargh, hnnk hnnk.

 **Andy** : Heh heh heh, good one. Uh oh yeah, he... he's not too thrilled about it either.

"I'd rather kill everyone." Ruby said darkly,

" **I don't even want to spend a minute with him."** Weiss said,  **"Let alone an entire quest."**

"I would get fucked by a ghost before I even think about spending any amount of time with him." Blake said,

"I'd shoot myself." Yang plainly said.

 **Tucker** : See I knew this was a bad idea. Sorry to fuck up your quest, dude, but I'm not goin'.

 **Andy** : Aaand if you don't go, he'll destroy the base, and kill everybody here.

"…On second thought, I'd rather go." Ruby quickly said, "Then I'll kill everyone."

" **There better be a reward at the end."** Weiss muttered,

"I-I was joking about getting g-g-g-g-g-ghost raped, just don't let the alien rape me." Blake said nervously,

"I'd still shoot myself." Yang said plainly.

 **Church** : ...Alright well have fun guys.

 **Tex** : Hey a quest sounds fun, come on Tucker!

 **Andy** : Aheh, I think he should stay here, 'cause, I like that killin' everybody option.

There was a silence after the episode ended before Yang broke the silence, "So… Tucker's going on a quest now, huh? How do you think it would go?"

"Well, first, Tucker would-" And due to the horrible description of how Tucker's Quest would go and the fact that the author is undoubtedly lazy as fuck, the rest of the dialogue has been censored. Let's just say there was a lot of blood, gore and she somehow threw monster robot ninja zombie pirates and a mech battle in, all while creeping the hell out of her teammates. Unintentionally, of course.

"S-So as well as you'd think it would." Blake said as she shivered, "Let's just start the next episode." Blake whispered to Yang quickly. Yang switched with Weiss, who nodded, picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Looking For Group)**

_Fade in to the Blues plotting their valiant assault_

**Alien** : Blargh blargh blargh, blargh.

 **Andy** : Then after we cross the Burning Plaine of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

"Oh blarghing hell to my honking blargh." Yang muttered, "They sure use Blargh and Honk a lot."

"You do know you just said (Oh cunt saucing hell to my awaiting anus). Right?" Blake said as she blushed at the image in her head, "Even in different languages, you somehow figure how to swear."

"It's a genetic trait." Yang said with a warm smile.

 **Caboose** : The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow.'_

'I-I don't even see how or why you picked up on that but fuck you, Noire.'

 **Tucker** : This is so dumb, I'm not doing this.

 **Church** : Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself.

 **Tucker** : I know! And I'm so used to picking up things, and not letting them get attached. ...I'm talkin' about women.

" **Oh, like any woman would get attached to you!"** Weiss exclaimed.

 **Church** : I know, yes, I got it.

 **Tex** : Don't worry Tucker, we're not gonna send you alone.

 **Tucker** : You're coming with me Tex?

 **Tex** : Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

"Isn't she a soldier?" Yang asked, "She does dangerous stuff all the time!"

"Then again, they are the Reds & Blues." Blake pointed out.

 **Tucker** : Well I'm not goin' with Church, that guy's a worse fighter than I am.

 **Church** : Well you're in luck then, because I'm not goin' either.

 **Tucker** : What? Then who?

 **Caboose** : ...

"Well, they're fucked." Yang said,

"Please don't die." Ruby muttered, "I don't want you to get killed by the enemies of the alien's race, as they use their advanced weaponry to mutilate you. Please don't get your organs torn out, or you eyeballs sucked out of their sockets, but still attached to the skull. Please don't use their intestines as rope and use it to tie their arms up and cover them in flammable liquid and set them on fire and watch them burn alive, as their flesh melts off and leave only the charred bones behind. Please don't eat what's left of the flesh and use the bones as decorations to their armour. Please do-"

" **W-W-We get it Ruby."** Weiss stopped her from going on,  **'…Ah shit, now I'm going to have nightmares about that.'**

 **Tucker** : No fuckin' way. I'm not goin' with him.

 **Caboose** : Oh, oh, oh, I hope we meet a Cleric along the way. None of us knows how to heal.

"Life's not a video game." Blake muttered, "Or some shitty Role Playing Game."

 **Alien** : Blarhun?

 **Andy** : He says he's a healer.

"Is that really what he said, 'cause I remember him saying he was a teacher." Yang said,

"Well," Blake said in her teacher/translating voice, "Technically the Blarghian word for teacher and healer are the same in this context."

"Which is good!"

" _Except,_ " Blake continued, "It is not always a good thing if I heard it right."

"Really? Why?"

 **Caboose** : Oh good.

 **Andy** : Heh heh, not really, they eat their wounded. Heh heh heh.

"That's why." Blake said as put away the fake glasses she put on,

"At least he's putting them out of their misery." Yang said weakly before switching with Weiss,  **"Yang, that was dark."** "Have you ever heard of mercy killing!?"  **"Yes, and I'll never do it to people I have already had my revenge on. I want them to suffer until they die naturally."** When Yang resumed control, her eyes widened and shut up after that, extremely disturbed by Weiss now (AN: From snake screamer!).

 **Caboose** : Just like chiropractors.

'Wait, do chiropractors  _eat_ people?' Real Ruby thought in panic, 'I really need to ask Yang after this. Fuck, I'm even scaring myself. SOMEONE HELP ME!'

' _Meh, later.'_

'Huh? Who was that? It kinda sounded like Blake…'

 **Tucker** : This is a joke, right, you're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?

 **Church** : What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothin' wrong with me.

"I would take it as well. He's a bit of a liability when he's not angry." Blake said, "And he does have crayons for bullets…"

 **Caboose** : Okay, so, um, Tucker is a fighter, uh, Crunchbite is the healer, and I am the powerful... and intelligent, wizard. Morphumax.

 **Andy** : What the hell does that make me?

" **I'm sure he could be a good assassin."** Weiss said jokingly,  **"Stealthily blowing shit up since 1999."**

 **Caboose** : You're the good looking and stealthy archer.

 **Andy** : A bow and arrow- I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!

"It's Caboose, get used to it motherfucker." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.

 **Tucker** : I'm gonna fuckin' die.

"For once, I agree." Yang said.

 **Church** : Hyeah I guess this is it Tuckeher. Nice knowin' ya.

 **Tucker** : Hoh, you better hope that I don't die, 'cause if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids.

 **Church** : You have kids?

 **Tucker** : Heheh probably.

" **Oh for the love of God, YOU'RE A FUCKING VIRGIN ASSHOLE!"** Weiss exclaimed.

_Slice to Simmons and Sheila sieging the Salmon side's structure_

**Sheila** : Firing main cannon.

 **Simmons** : Yeahah, take that. Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it Blue-uh damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought.

"This is what you get for spending too much time with the Reds." Yang muttered as she shook her head sadly, "SHELIA, DESTROY THEM FOR THIS TREACHERY AND ACT AGAINST HUMANITY!"

 **Grif** : Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

 **Simmons** : What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base. I mean the Red base, fuck!

 **Donut** : Defense is established Sarge!

_A tank shell strikes Red Base_

**Donut** : Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.

"Those were pretty crappy defenses then." Blake said,

"NO ONE CAN MATCH THE POWER OF A TANK!" Yang yelled out,

"Apart from Anti-Tank Weapons like bazookas."

" **Blake, give up. Please, she keeps hitting me with shit about tanks! And don't get me started on Moto-kun."** Blake then raised an eyebrow,

"'Moto-kun'?" Blake asked. Weiss' eyes widened,

" **Oh my God, I'm becoming Yang."** She realized in horror,  **"GET ME OUT OF THIS BODY!"**

 **Grif** : Killing our own team huh, that's cool. Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?

 **Simmons** : I'm not crazy Grif, you just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank.

 **Grif** : I listened to you.

 **Simmons** : You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!

 **Grif** : Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and, everything kinda sucks now.

"Everything is all fun and games until Donut becomes the boss." Blake muttered, 'Noire, how are you going with that little project of yours?'

' _I think I have a way, just give me another few episodes.'_

'You mean minutes? Noire? Noire… she shut me out didn't she?'

 **Simmons** : Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now you dumb Blue bitch. Red bitch, fuck, you know what I mean!

 **Sheila** : Firing main cannon.

 **Sarge** : Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set.

"You will die now as the poisonous gases produced from these chemicals enter your lungs and dissolve all your organs, starting from the lungs and ending at the heart." Ruby said as she put on a genuine slasher smile, 'Please! Someone knock me out now! I'm so close to peeing myself now!' Real Ruby yelled out, hoping someone could hear her,

'Let's just hope we'll make it to the end of the week.' The others thought.

 **Grif** : I don't think killing Sarge is much of a punishment for me. Just come back to the base man. I'll let you boss me around again.

 **Simmons** : I don't know, I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear.

 **Grif** : I am, see, it's just like old times! Come on buddy.

 **Simmons** : Will you help me clean my armor?

 **Grif** : How 'bout I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Donut to do it later?

 **Simmons** : Hah, good ol' Grif.

"You know, it's kinda nice to see that Grif kinda cares about Simmons." Blake admitted, "In a sort of weird, idiotic way."

 **Sarge** : Simmons, is that you?

 **Simmons** : Yeah Sarge, but don't worry. We got-

 **Sarge** : Simmons, I can understand you're going crazy and seein' imaginary tanks!

"THE GOD DAMN TANK IS DESTROYING YOUR BASE!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : The tank is right there for the love of God.

 **Sarge** : And I can obviously understand why you'd wanna attack your own base.

 **Simmons** : You can?

" **Because he thinks you're crazy Simmons."**  Weiss pointed out.

 **Sarge** : But painting yourself blue? Dear God man, doncha have any shame at all?

"No, you just suck as a Leader." Blake muttered, "A 15 year old girl is better than you!"

 **Grif** : Hey Sarge, you should also note that he missed a coupla spots.

 **Sarge** : Grif, what in Sam Hell are you doin' out there? At least Simmons has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan!

 **Simmons** : Thank you Sir. I mean suck it Blue! God dammit, I mean Red.

 **Sarge** : But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort. I never expected this from you.

 **Grif** : Aoh up yours.

 **Sarge** : What was that?

 **Grif** : Up yours Sir.

 **Sarge** : That's better!

Weiss groaned after the episode was over as she leaned forward,  **"My God, your stupid boobs are so heavy!"** "My boobs aren't heavy! You just aren't used to them." Yang defended, "Also, I have my boob guards on."  **"Those things!? They weight like a ton!"** "Well, if you trained your body a bit more then you might be able to carry them."  **"Why do you even have them on!?"** "You know, just in case."

"It pays to be paranoid." Blake spoke up,

" **Oh shut up! You have plans for everything!"** Weiss exclaimed,

"Hey, I have to be prepared for anything. Like maybe some former White Fang members want to have revenge on me or Adam coming back."

"Well, you don't need those plans. We're here to help you Blake, and don't you forget it." Yang said, causing Blake to smile,

"Yes, we will destroy anyone who wants to hurt our friends!" Ruby exclaimed, "We will chop their limbs off! We will torture them with water and electricity until they stop! We wi-"

"Okay! Ruby! We get it!" Yang interrupted before she started getting the creepy/fucked up part, "Just start the next episode!"

"Okay!" Ruby said happily with her demonic smile and pressed play without touching the remote.

**(Exploring Our Differences)**

_Fade in to a distant shot of the Blues, yet their voices are just as loud as they normally are_

**Church** : Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.

 **Tucker** : What? I'm the cleanest guy here.

"But has the dirtiest mind." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.

 **Tucker** : I hate you.

 **Crunchbite** : Blorgh!

" **What is this guy's name anyway?"** Weiss asked. Blake blushed and tried to think of one,

"Uh… Crunchbite! Yeah! His name is Crunchbite." Blake answered. Weiss raised Yang's eyebrow before shaking her head and letting Yang take over,  **'It's better than calling him Alien all the time.'** She thought.

 **Andy** : He doesn't wear any pants.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, we noticed. If we meet anybody on this adventure, that might have to change.

 **Andy** : Why, we're used to being naked. Free-ballin', come on! Commando.

"Dude, you don't even have a pair of nuts! Only one ball, my friend." Yang said,

"He's also a bomb, so bombs don't need clothes." Blake added in,

"Unless it's a self planting bomb that will disguise itself as a human and waits for the opportune moment to set itself off, killing dozens, hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS of people in a gory explosion, as their skin disintegrates into dust while the explosion consumes all the innocent souls in the area, sending them to be judged to either go to heaven or hell. Either way, they will die, leaving nothing but limbs and blood everywhere." Ruby said as she laughed evilly,

'Another thing to note: Never let Ruby learn about bombs.' Yang thought, 'You got that Weiss?'  **'Yep.'**

 **Tucker** : Let me just put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.

 **Tex** : Huh what- oh, fyeuh uhm, yeah, uh- I was just admiring his, his Alien, muscle structure.

 **Tucker** : Yeah one particular part of his muscle structure.

 **Tex** : Well that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion, opinion. That's, that's it.

Yang blushed freely while Weiss was fighting off one as Ruby was wondering what was happening. While this was happening, Blake looked… interested, ' _Wow, Tex is really like Blake if she's checking out stuff like that on aliens.'_ This snapped the Faunus out of her trance,

'Huh. wha-I-I don't do that! I was… checking out his armour.'

' _Sure, keep telling yourself that. But since there are no guys here anyway, you just have to settle with a couple of cute girls._ '

'I DON'T DO THAT EITHER! For the love of God Noire, I have to keep telling you. I. AM.  _STRAIGHT_.'

' _And yet you own and read every Yuri manga in Vytal. Maybe all of Remnant.'_ Noire retorted with a smirk on her face as she saw Blake turning red in both embarrassment and anger,

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Blake yelled out as she stood up, freaking out Yang & Weiss. When she saw Yang moving away slowly, she sighed and sat back down (AN: From Warlord-Xana!)

 **Church** : Smooth.

 **Caboose** : You told me it was another arm.

This caused the girls to blush even redder, close to Ruby's cloak. Speaking of which, she thought everyone was going to spontaneously combust if they were that red.

 **Crunchbite** : Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!

 **Andy** : Hey Caboose- high five!

 **Caboose** :  _(Quietly)_  I don't want to do that anymore.

' _I do~'_

'AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO WORK ON SOMETHING!?'

' _Huh, wha-oh that! Right, I already finished it. Let's just wait until the episode's over. Things are starting to get good.'_

 **Church** : Tucker come here, I want to talk to you for a second. Listen, just drop off this weapon, and get back to Blue Base as fast as you can.

 **Tucker** : What if I have to kill stuff dude? I'm a lover, not a fighter.

"And yet you kicked ass!" Ruby exclaimed, wishing she had Tucker's sword on her,

' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow.'_ Blake just gave a defeated sigh in response.

 **Church** : Hey now Tucker I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well. We're both just a couple of lovers.

There was a bit of a silence after that as they thought about Church's talk, and what the meaning behind it meant.

Until Yang ruined it.

"G-HEY…!" And thus, Yang got the biggest pelting of fruit ever. Of all time.

Also, she mysteriously got set on fire while she was hitting herself with an apple.

 **Tucker** : ...That sounded kinda gay dude.

 **Church** : Yeah it did. Uhm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.

 **Tucker** : Our Captain died. You're just the guy pretending to be my boss.

"Huh. No wonder the Blues suck." Blake muttered while Yang was in the bathroom, "They have Church for a Leader."

 **Church** : We, you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.

 **Tucker** : Except that I'm not.

 **Church** : Echch, whatever! Listen, I just, as, as someone in an employee/manager relationship-

 **Tucker** : Which doesn't exist.

 **Church** : Heuhhhhhhh...

" **Makes me happy that I'm not the Leader sometimes."** Weiss said as she looked at Ruby. They weren't perfect and they would fail missions at times, often because one of them were too injured to go on or something happened like Roman sending his henchmen on them and causing the client to send for a different team. And every time they failed, Ruby would always blame herself for it. No matter what the situation was, she would always link it up to herself. The only time when she was right to blame herself was at the Atlas Incident. Weiss shivered,  **'First rule of the Atlas Incident: Don't talk about the Atlas Incident.'**

 **Tucker** : Why did you pull me aside again?

 **Church** : You know I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or, something but now I, just don't care.

 **Tucker** : I'ma go man.

 **Crunchbite** : Huuuuur!

 **Andy** : Hey lady! Come on, hustle up! If you gotta use the bathroom, do it now 'cause I'm not pullin' over.

"I'm sure they don't have a car since the Reds took the Jeep and that purple thing." Blake said.

 **Church** : You know I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not goin' with them.

 **Tex** : Why? Quests are dangerous.

" **Tex, from what it looks like it's an escort mission. Nothing too special if your escort can defend himself and isn't as annoying as hell. The way I see it, this would be the easiest thing to do right now."** Weiss said before switching with Yang, "Uh… how would you know?"  **"When you're an Heiress to one of the biggest producers of Dust in the world, you pick up a few things. Especially when you have a Dust by your side." 'And maybe a few hundred hours in Kingdoms of Heart doesn't hurt either.'**

 **Church** : Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or, an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex.

"I bet he got Tex at reward." Blake muttered, "Seen it a mile away."

 **Church:**...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you. ...Huhhh, I really shoulda seen that coming.

_Cut to Sarge scoping Simmons walking Grif to Blue Base through the sniper rifle's scope_

**Sarge** : Well, this is a tough one. Simmons appears to have captured Grif. Which means we're down a man. And now that man has taken Grif prisoner. So does that make us even? What's one plus a turd? Dammit only Grif can screw up math!

" **No Sarge, only you can fuck up logic _and_ math."** Weiss said.

_Cut to Simmons walking Grif down the ramp in to Blue Base_

**Simmons** : Hurry up Grif.

 **Grif** : You know Simmons; you don't make a very good hostage taker. My last prisoner experience was much cooler.

"Your last prisoner experience lasted only a few hours, ya fucktard!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Grif** : You haven't even yelled at me one time.

 **Simmons** : You're doing everything right. I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations. Like when someone drinks milk out of the carton!

" **Well, he's definitely the nicest hostage taker ever. Of all time."** Weiss said before face palming and exclaiming,  **"FUCK! Even when I'm possessing Yang, I keep fucking saying that stupid line!"**

 **Grif** : Come on Simmons I'm a prisoner. You should be jabbing me in the back with your gun and saying get moving scum!

 **Simmons** : ( _jabs him in the back with his gun_ ) Get going!

 **Grif** : Louder!

 **Simmons** : ( _jabs him again_ ) I said move!

 **Grif** : Yeaheaheah, that's it!

"That awkward moment when you realize you have to take tips on being a hostage taker from the hostage himself." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : ( _jabs him again_ ) Move it soldier!

 **Grif** : Okay, seriously? That hurts.

"BREAK HIS SPINE! Crack it and watch as Grif's life fades before your very eyes, as you are slowly eaten away by the guilt of killing your teammate, and in no way in hell is he coming back." Ruby said, only to receive a glare from Weiss in Yang's body. When Ruby looked back at her, she quickly turned her head and started whistling a tone-deaf version of Mirror, Mirror. Yeah, Yang was a horrible whistler and Weiss wasn't helping it.

_They arrive in the middle of the base_

**Grif** : Man, these guys really like blue lights. I mean, I know this is Blue Base and all but come on, you don't have to beat us over the head with it.

"Hey, Blue Base is basically like Red Base, except it's Blue so they have to tell the difference somehow." Blake pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Get in the hole.

 **Grif** : You have a hole? Whoa, now that's cool. I take back everything I said, this is much creepier than my last time in the joint.

"I miss Edgar." Yang said dreamily, "Too bad I had to slaughter him into chunks."

 **Simmons** : ( _hits him_ ) Move!

 **Grif** : Dude, if you keep doin' that, this is gonna get old quick.

" **Ain't that the truth."** Weiss muttered, remembering Tucker's incident with the alien. Or "Crunchbite".

 **Simmons** : I said in the hole! ( _Step 1: hit him and he falls in the hole_ )

 **Grif** : Ow!

 **Simmons** : Who's the bad hostage taker now, bitch!

 **Grif** : ( _Step 2: materializing behind him, repeat step 1 through 2_ ) Um, I think I found a design flaw in your hole.

"Seriously!?" Yang exclaimed, "That has to be the worst hole ever!"  **"Of all time."** Weiss then sighed and took in a breath and yelled out a great big,  **"FUCK!"**

 **Simmons** : What? Get back in there! ( _hits him_ )

 **Grif** : Woohoo! Look who's back.

 **Simmons** : God this sucks.

 **Grif** : Seriously dude, you have to try the hole. It's really fun.

"I wouldn't mind a chance." Blake admitted, "It's better than sitting here."

 **Simmons** : Ugh, what're you doing? Get back down in there. ( _hits him_ )

 **Grif** : Wheee! Look I came out backwards this time!

 **Simmons** : You're supposed to s- you're the prisoner, stay down there.

'Okay, the episodes are done Noire. What did you plan?' Blake thought,

' _Just give me a second.'_ Noire said as she worked her magic. After a few minutes, Blake felt a shock go through her spine and into her arms. Whatever it was, it caused Yang/Weiss to move the hell away,

'Noire, what did you do?'

' _Just ask Ruby._ ' Blake raised an eyebrow before hesitantly asking the creepy girl,

"Oh, your hands are on fire." Ruby said like it was nothing special. Blake's eyes widened and looked at her hands. They  _were_ on fire. Her hands were engulfed in a white fire. It wasn't wild and out of control. Rather, it was peaceful and calming,

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Blake exclaimed,

' _Pussy Cat, calm down and listen to me.'_ Noire commanded calmly. Blake took in a few deep breaths and nodded when she was okay, ' _Alright, I want you to go to Yang and grab Weiss' soul!'_

'HUH!?'

' _Blake, stay calm! You need to do this before your soul gives out!'_

'A-Alright.' Blake thought as she ran up the possessed blonde, 'How did you get me this thing anyway?' Blake asked as she stared at her flaming white hands,

' _I borrowed it from someone. He owes us a favour.'_  Blake raised an eyebrow, wondering what kind of person would do that, or wondering who that person was since as far as she knew, no one owed her a favour. She thought about it before shrugging. She guessed that she just had to reach in to Yang and grab Weiss' soul, but from where was the question,  _'Try the stomach. Souls go there all the time._ ' Blake nodded and did her work,

"Hey, Blake? What's with your ar-" Yang got cut off when she saw her partner reaching  _into her stomach._ Eventually _, her entire arm was in there,_ "The hell!? BLAKE!?"

"Give me a second!" Blake said as she searched for anything she could grab onto. After a few minutes, she felt something. She didn't care and hoped it was Weiss' soul as she grabbed it and pulled it out with all her might, before the soul finally got detached from Yang's body, causing the cat girl to fall on her ass. She felt the flames flicker out, her Aura weakening significantly as well as tiring the girl out. Before she blacked out, she saw red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	32. Friendly Terms (Setting a High Bar, Getting All Misty, Talk of the Town)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can still suggest jokes/reactions if you want to for Season 9! All RvB scenes and dialogue are RT property!
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Daisy Noire Belladonna.

Those were names that Blake learned in just a few minutes to hate no matter what that cost was. Of course, two-thirds of that name was her own name but that wasn't the point. She hated the person who was in her head, feeding her perverted images. Telling her to do things she would never do (in real life). Corrupting her from the inside out.

And she was standing right in front of her.

Well, not exactly. Actually, Blake was in her mindscape, where her other personality "lives" in. Blake glared at her "twin" in front of her, who only smirked in response. It seemed Noire wasn't very creative, seeing that she was wearing the outfit Blake put on when Ruby was in her Ninja Phase. The only difference was that the bow was completely gone and the outfit was that little bit smaller, showing off more cleavage than Yang and black short shorts. She was also wasn't wearing shoes. The mindscape itself wasn't anything special. It was just endless darkness everywhere. Blake liked it that way. Minimal, nothing interesting. Just so by the off chance Noire would get bored out of her mind, literally. But the more she glared at the succubus in front of her, the more she smirked, and it irked her to no end, "Noire." Blake said flatly,

" _Pussy Cat_." Noire replied in an amused voice, " _What brings you here into my domain?_ "

"You  _my_ domain." Blake pointed out, "This is my mindscape, not your's."

" _Or is it?_ " Noire asked rhetorically. Blake was about to ask why she said that, only for the pink-eyed version of Blake to snap her fingers, causing Blake's mind to rumble. Suddenly, there was a table (with Yaoi manga included), a black leather couch, a TV, a fridge, basically everything that was seen in a normal apartment. The bed, however, was big enough for 5 people, " ** _We_** _share this place. Whatever power you have in here, I have the exact same."_

"Get out of my head, Noire." Blake growled out as her bow faded away, revealing her cat ears, "I control my mindscape. You, are powerless." Blake then deleted everything Noire created and replaced it with Forever Fall, "I've already had enough to deal with already! Don't make me put you on the list!" Noire just shook her head giggled lightly, making Blake even angrier. Noire slowly walked up and around her other,

" _Look at this. You've barely paid attention to me before. And now, thanks to Red vs Blue, you want to kill me now, don't you?"_ Noire whispered in a seductive voice, " _But I was just having fun, Pussy. Don't ruin that for me."_

"If you're going to copy Yang, at least call me Pussy Cat." Blake said through gritted teeth, 'God, I hate that name.' Noire thought for a second before shaking her head and grinning, showing off her sharpened canines,

" _Hm… nope. I like Pussy Cat, but I feel it's more fitting to call you Pussy."_ She then leaned into Blake's cat ears, " _Don't you love being called Pussy? You love Pussy, right?"_ Blake blushed madly before shaking her head and jumped away, pulling out Gambol Shroud in the process,

"One, for the last time: I AM STRAIGHT! Two, never call me Pussy again. Three, you know so far Red vs Blue taught me one thing." She then aimed her Pistol Whip at Noire's head, "And it's to kill someone I should've done a long time ago."

" _But y_ ou  _can't._ " Noire whispered into her ear from behind Blake, causing her to freeze, " _You're too much of a Pussy to do it. Plus, you need me to help with your little ghost problem."_ Blake shivered as her eyes widened,

"Wh-What?" Noire then grinned evilly,

" _Despite you screwing up the Soul Extracting Process, you've made my job a whole lot easier. All I need to do is enter Yang's mind and modify it. Then, all you have to do is sit back and watch the magic happen."_ Blake gritted her teeth. This is why she keeps things to herself. Noire was using her fear of ghosts against her. She wanted to yell. She wanted to destroy something.

But, she couldn't.

She sighed in defeat as she fell to her knees as Forever Fall faded, replacing it back with Noire's apartment set-up, "Okay, you can help. But after this I want you out of my life!" She expected for Noire to smile, but instead, she frowned and sighed sadly,

" _Blake, I'm only trying to help you. I'm not the enemy."_ Noire said as she put a hand on her other's shoulder, " _Hell, apart from taking control of your body and masturbating while you were asleep, I've done nothing wrong!_ "

"Wait, what was that?"

" _Nothing! Nothing at all!"_ Noire quickly said as she waved her arms in front of her while blushing madly, remembering those moments of loneliness, " _Anyway, all I want to do is help you! That's it!"_ Blake looked up and narrowed her eyes,

"And that's all you want to do."

" _Yes! My goal in life is to make people happy!"_ Blake shook her head and smiled,

"You do know you're not exactly real, right?" Blake pointed out as she stood up, "You don't have a life."

" _Well, I guess I owe my life to you. You did technically create me."_ Noire said before slowly hugging Blake, " _I apologize for all those perverted comments and all future ones."_

"So you're going to stop?" Blake asked, relieved that she could stop blushing all the time,

" _Oh fuck no. I'm just preparing myself for the future."_ Blake couldn't help but sigh as Noire let go, " _Anyway, since we're on friendly terms, I guess we should start acting like it."_

"Yeah." Blake muttered as she scratched her cat ears,

" _I'll be like the little sister you've always wanted, but is living inside your head!"_ This cause Blake to stop what she was doing and remember Ruby and all the shit she's been through so far, causing her to shiver, " _Okay, bad choice of words. Friends?"_ Blake sighed as she took her other's hand a shook it,

"Friends." Just then, Blake started to fade away,

" _Well, looks like you're waking up now. Talk to you soon."_ Noire said before Blake faded away completely. When she was sure she wasn't listening, she let herself chuckle evilly, " _Oh Pussy, you should know better."_ Noire said as she looked at the furniture behind her, " _Oh well, it's going to be a very interesting situation huh?"_ She then laid down on the couch and picked up the remote, " _All in due time, my friend. All in due time…" S_ he then let out an even louder O'Malley-like laugh as she imagined all the chaos she would bring upon Beacon, before coughing like a sick woman, " _Okay, never doing again."_ Noire said as she spit out a hair ball and pressed the Power On button on the remote.

(In reality)

"Ugh… what happened?" Blake groaned as she rubbed her head, "I feel like I got hit with a brick."

"I WISH YOU GOT HIT BY ONE!" An angry voice yelled at the cat girl,

"Huh?" Blake opened her eyes and saw our favourite creepy girl in red stare at her while being way too close for comfort, "FUCK!" Blake exclaimed as she jumped away and hid under her bed, "R-Ruby, don't do that again."

"What did I do?" Ruby asked innocently. Though, it didn't sound very innocent. Considering that she sounded like she was really pissed off at her,

"U-Uh…"

"Ruby, let me handle this." The voice from earlier said. Blake poked her head out and gasped,

'That's what Noire meant when she said I screwed up.' Blake thought as she looked at the annoyed girl in front of her. She looked like Yang, except she had messy, pure white hair, pale skin, pale blue eyes and even a scar on her right eye. She was Weiss in Yang's body, but a little bit more Weiss in her look, 'Oh shit.'

"Hello Faunus." Weiss said in a sickly sweet tone as she pulled Blake out from under the bed with her new strength. Blake winced. When Weiss called her a Faunus, you know something's wrong, "How was your nap? Did you sleep well?"

"Y-Yes." Blake stuttered out, "Um, how are you?" Blake mentally slammed her head against the wall as soon as the first word came out of her mouth,

"Oh, I've been good. Got myself a new look by SWITCHING BODIES WITH YANG!" By now, Blake was sure she should be deaf by now, "FOR FUCK'S SAKE! HOW DID YOU DO THIS!?"

"U-Uh, um…" Blake wanted to blame Noire, except they would think she was crazy like Ruby since there wasn't any evidence that she existed and she hasn't told them about her yet, "I-I-I can expla-wait, where's Yang?"

"Right behind you." Yang said. Blake slowly turned around and saw the ghost of her partner, her red eyes glowing at her, "Yeah… are you going to fix this anytime soon?" Yang asked as she floated up to Weiss body, "Because I want to end the season without anymore causalities."

"S-Sure." Blake said, "Right after I faint."

*THUD!*

(A few hours later…)

"S-So, h-h-how c-ca-can I s-s-see you?" Blake asked after waking up a few minutes earlier. They were about to watch another set of Red vs Blue,

"Well, I can explain." Ruby spoke up, freaking out the girls slightly since they didn't even notice her, "Because you two are partners, your souls are connected since you've supported each other more than me or Weiss, which would explain why I could see her. And since I did this in the first place, it's obvious for me. And Weiss is already a ghost."

"So… since we've gone through hell together and become closer because of it, even when our souls are out of our bodies, we'll see and hear each other no matter what. Our souls are permanently connected. We're really that close as a team. That was deep Ruby." Weiss said as we wiped away a tear,

"Yep. And when one of us goes to hell, we'll drag the others with us, even if they're not dead. And they, we'll suffer eternal damnation together, FOREVER!" Ruby exclaimed, causing the others to back up in a corner as Ruby's shadow started growing as the light dimmed around her,

"So… wanna start the episodes now." Yang squeaked,

"Yep." Weiss said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Setting a High Bar)**

_Fade in to some burnt looking plains_

**Andy** : Hey, he's been explaining to me everything we should encounter. The legend's pretty old, but the details are pretty clear.

"Hey, from what we've gathered the Alien and his race are very religious. The legend must've been repeated over and over again, with no deviations in the sayings." Blake theorized.

 **Tucker** : Listen dude, I don't care what you say, I'm not killing any monsters.

"With your skill, you can barely hurt a fly." Weiss muttered,

"But didn't Tucker take down that robot?" Ruby pointed out,

"Ugh, please. That was just one, and it would take all day for the damn thing to make any progress."

 **Andy** : Hey, don't interrupt! It's hard enough to translate without yo-

 **Tucker** : Oh well if this little quest depends on me killing stuff, we might as well just stop here.

 **Andy** : Eh, don't be a chicken.

 **Tucker** : I'm not chicken. I'm just... okay, I'm chicken.

"WUSS!" Yang exclaimed,

"Yang, even though you're a ghost WE CAN STILL HEAR YOU!" Weiss yelled back at the blonde ghost,

"I know but…" Yang then started floating upside-down, "It's kinda fun, being a ghost and all." Weiss' eye twitched before sighing and going back to watching, "What?"

 **Crunchbite** : Blarh? B-blar blarg.

 **Andy** : Blargy blarg, blarg, blarg honk.

 **Crunchbite** : Wharg hnnk!

 **Tucker** : What's he saying?

 **Andy** : He wanted to know what a chicken is. I told him it's this nasty little bird that humans eat. And you also eat the white things that shoot out of its butt.

Blake shuddered, remembering where all those eggs came from back in her days in the White Fang, 'I should've known why people hated eggs.'

 **Tucker** : You know you could have cleaned that up a little bit.

 **Andy** : I did! They don't come out of its butt you know.

"You don't know that." Blake muttered as she shuddered again,

"Uh… Pussy Cat?" Yang spoke up as she put her hand on Blake's shoulder, making her shivering worse, "Is it your fear of eggs again?"

"I-I'm not scared of eggs, I just… have bad experiences with eggs." Yang could only raise her eyebrow and went back to watching.

 **Crunchbite** : Hargh!

 **Andy** : Heh yeah, they're pretty disgusting.

 **Tucker** : Chickens aren't that bad.

"Yeah, chickens aren't that bad." Ruby said, "Whenever me & Yang would go to a petting zoo, I would hug one with all my strength until they fell asleep. But other kids would get jealous and would cry at the sight, and I would always smell funny at the end. Then, we would eat roasted chicken for a week."

"Is that true?" Weiss asked Yang as she leaned away from Ruby,

"Girl, that's why we're banned at the zoo." Yang said, remembering every zoo that they went too was "closed" the second they stepped one foot in.

 **Andy** : He was talkin' about you guys. He's not a big fan. I'm not either.

 **Crunchbite** : Hrnk.

 **Andy** : Earth sucks.

"Earth does suck! That's why I like fire!" Yang exclaimed, until a rock smashed through the window and hit Yang, "OH, WHAT THE FUCK!? I'M A FUCKING GHOST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Blake picked up the note and read it out loud,

"'We warned you not to fuck with Earth, Yang.' U & H. Who the fuck is that?" Blake asked,

"Whoever this person is, I want him to stop breaking windows!" Weiss said, "Seriously, we've ran through a third of the window supply now and enough broken glass to make life-sized glass sculptures of us!"

"Which you did." Ruby said as she pointed to the glass sculptures of them in the room. They were getting  _really_ bored that day.

 **Tucker** : Hsh, Earth does not suck, Earth rules. We invented the telephone.

 **Crunchbite** : Arg l largh.

 **Andy** : He says they invented the telephone too. And they did it a thousand years before you did.

"Hey, it could've been a million." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker** : Oh, well what'd they have to say on it, "blarg blarg honk honk?" Who the fuck wants to hear that?

Blake blushed at what Tucker said, "What did he say?" Yang asked. Blake shook her head,

"Let's just say it's worse than Bitch Ruby." The girls shuddered at the memories. Ruby, however, was wondering why they were shivering. All she could remember was that fiber-shake and lots of fire.

 **Crunchbite** : Blarg honk.

 **Andy** : Okay. These are the Great Burning Plains we talked about.

 **Caboose** : They don't look burning... they look burnt. Hey, I recognize this place.

 **Andy** : Get ready. He's gonna distract the monster, and you use your heroic powers to swoop in-

 **Tucker** : Heroic powers?

"The power he has is the power to drive away women." Weiss said, "It's a very potent power."

 **Andy** : Yeah. You're the big hero from that prophecy, ain't cha?

 **Tucker** : Oh right. Boy are you guys gonna be disappointed. ( _draws the sword_ )

 **Andy** : And don't forget, go for the weak spot in the armor.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, and where was that again?

 **Andy** : We already went over this!

 **Tucker** : Apparently paying attention to lame biology lessons isn't one of my superpowers.

"Hey, biology maybe lame, boring, tedious, gross, mind-numbing, degrading, stupid, dumb, sleep-inducing-"

"Hurry up, Yang." Weiss interrupted,

"Right. Anyway, it's all of those things but without it fighting Grimm would be a lot harder."

"Who knew that a Regurgitatior's weakness was it's tongue?" Blake said, before Weiss shuddered, 'Why does everything bad happen to me?' Weiss thought as she looked at Yang's hands.

 **Crunchbite** : Blargh!

 **Andy** : Be quiet!

 **Crunchbite** : Argh!

 **Andy** : Get down!

 **Crunchbite** : ( _quietly_ ) Warg, warg arg. Warg, larg!

 **Andy** : He just wants a moment's peace before the plan fails and we all get killed.

"You know, I kinda expected that." Weiss muttered,

"Hey, the Blues aren't that bad, right?" Yang said, before everyone in the room looked at her like she was insane, "…Help me."

 **Crunchbite** : WHRRRRRRRRRRRG!

 **Andy** : Oh, sorry... I wasn't supposed to translate that last part. Yuh, he says, yuh don't worry, everything will be fine. ...Stick to the plan.

 **Caboose** : Okay. Are we adding "get killed" to the end of the plan?

"Yes Caboose. Yes." Blake muttered.

 **Crunchbite** : Wlarg!

 **Andy** : Go!

_Everyone jumps over the ridge... cliff... whatever, it's a thing they jump over_

**Crunchbite** : Wurg!

 **Andy** : What happened?

 **Tucker** : To what?

 **Andy** : The big monster. It's dead, look!

_Check it out, the skull of a cow_

"Yeeee-ep-pah!" Yang said, "That is one dead cow."

"Well, that was anti-climatic." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : That thing? You gotta be kidding me.

 **Andy** : You guys were here already?

"Nope. The cow probably died from the heat caused by the Great Burning Plains." Blake muttered,

"Crunchbite isn't that smart, is he?" Ruby said,

"Well, he is an alien from an alien planet. He doesn't know about these 'Earth' customs." Weiss pointed out.

 **Caboose** : Yes. Uh, before now.

 **Tucker** : That's what 'already' means, Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Ohhh, then just yes.

 **Crunchbite** : Whar, war.

 **Andy** : You already killed the monster?

 **Tucker** : Dude, that's a cow skull. I kill about ten of those things every time I eat lunch.

"That's what I did a few hours before." Ruby said, "They were delicious. The flesh coming off the bone, the blood spurting out of the meat with each bite, the fat of the animal being sucked dry. Mm… meat…" Ruby then started drooling, "The flavor of uncooked and untouched meat."

"Uncooked?" Yang asked Weiss as they were moving away from Ruby,

"Don't ask. I was mortified at the thought." Weiss replied.

_Cut to Sarge spying on the Blues Simmons team_

**Donut** : How's it going Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there for far too long. He's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in just a matter of hours, Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror. ...But in answer to your question things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.

"'A little warmer'? There's barely even any grass there!" Blake exclaimed,

"I like Sarge now." Ruby muttered quietly.

 **Donut** : But Sarge, aren't you afraid he'll give away valuable information?

 **Sarge** : Why would Simmons give Grif information?

 **Donut** : No, I mean what if Grif tells Simmons valuable information about our operations.

 **Sarge** : ...

 **Donut** : Yeah, that sounded smarter before I said it.

"He was smarter when it was Season 1." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : I bet.

 **Donut** : Speaking of operations though, remember how I told you I wanted to incorporate more positive reinforcement techniques in review sessions?

 **Sarge** : Donut, for the last time, me calling you a worthless turd is not a review session!

 **Donut** : And remember how you said any proposals had to be submitted in hand-written triplicate, with no less than one hundred pages?

 **Sarge** : Yes, which would take weeks. ...You're finished, aren't you?

 **Donut** : Only if calligraphy's okay, and I dotted all the I's, with hearts. Heeheehee! Heeehee!

"These guys have  _way_ too much time on their hands." Yang said,

"Yang,  _we_ have too much time on our hands." Blake pointed out, "Have you seen the melted glass sculptures of us?"

"We are trapped in a school full of shit we can mess with. It's understandable."

 **Sarge** : Ghuh...

 **Donut** : Let me just give you a little teaser on some of the changes. Think "mauve"...

 **Sarge** : Aw, Donut!

 **Donut** : What, you don't like it? Mauve is a form of red.

 **Sarge** : Noh, it's not that. I just realized that my only way out of this situation, is to launch a rescue mission to save Grif! I've got me one of them... uh, Donut, what's a fancy word for choosin' between two things you don't wanna do?

 **Donut** : Uh, conundrum? ...Dilemma. ...A threesome with cheerleaders?

"Okay, I have to admit if I was a guy I would do that last part no questions asked." Yang admitted,

' _Oh… Yang. I didn't know you were one of us.'_

'Ugh, shut up Noire.'

 **Sarge** : I'm gonna go with conundrum.

"Wanna start the next episode now, since we don't have much to talk about?" Weiss asked as she passed the remote to Blake,

"Yeah, sure. Why not?" Blake replied, 'This is kinda nice. I just hope this lasts a bit longer.' She thought, enjoying the peace before pressing play.

**(Getting All Misty)**

_Fade in to Donut and Sarge attacking the Blue Base ...sort of_

**Donut** : If you don't like the plants idea, how do ya feel about a fountain in the armory? That place is so gloomy.

"Donut, the water would probably rust everything in the armory and make everything useless." Blake said, "Good-bye lightish-red, hello reddish-brown."

"Well, it's an upgrade for Donut at least." Yang muttered as she got a little bored and started swimming through the air.

 **Sarge** : Come on, Donut, give it a rest already. I agreed to let you use Grif's helmet as a decorative bird bath, didn't I? Don't oversell.

 **Donut** : Okay, but I have just one more idea. I'm gonna say two words, and then walk away. Chantilly, lace.

"Oh dear god." Weiss muttered and she felt a little migraine coming, 'Oh God, they're worse in Yang's body.'

 **Sarge** : Unless you're about to start singin' a Big Bopper song, I think the best part of that idea is the walkin' away.

 **Donut** : Let it simmer.

 **Sarge** : Hmm, no sign of any defenses. I think we might be catching Simmons at a weak moment.

"Which is every moment." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Hmm, no sign of the tank either.

 **Sarge** : Dear God, the madness is spreading! It's only a matter of time before it takes me!

"I think it already has." Ruby muttered, "May his brain melt out of his ear, from his helmet and onto the ground, as Donut watches in horror as his Sergeant dies a painful death.

_The sound of Grif coming up from the hole_

**Grif** : Wheeeeeeeee!

 **Donut** : Did you hear that? It sounds like they're having fun in there.

' _I always wanted to try out a hole that keeps coming back for more.'_

'Shut up Noire… and later.'

' _She's giving in.'_  Noire thought, ' _Just a little bit more time._ '

 **Sarge** : Clearly Grif has become so stupid, he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness! Simmons must be doing absolutely diabolical things to him! Let's give him a few more hours, see if he escapes on his own.

"If that was true, I would barge in and shoot everyone without hesitation." Yang said,

"But, you've never actually killed anyone, at least humans." Blake pointed out,

"Hey, if my friends are in danger, I'm willing to break that streak."

 **Grif** : Simmons I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!

' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow.'_

'Oh, for the love of God…'

 **Simmons** : Grif just stay down there like you're told.

 **Donut** : Well that's my cue, let's go!

_Cut to Simmons inside the Base, like the good Blue/Red he is_

**Simmons** : Grif, stop it I need your help.

 **Grif** : ( _still going in and out of the hole_ ) Go ahead, I'm listening.

 **Simmons** : Would you stop riding that stupid grav lift?

"I can't blame him, it looks fun." Out of all people, Weiss admitted.

 **Grif** : I can do both at once. And why don't we have one of these things?

"Well, Sheila is a Blue, so she's bound to make more upgrades to Blue Base rather than Red Base." Blake pointed out.

 **Simmons** : The tank's been making upgrades to the base over the last few hundred years.

 **Grif** : How did it do that without any tools? ...Or arms?

"Because Shelia is that awesome, asshole!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : I don't know, a lot of what she says doesn't match up. I think she might be lying to me.

Weiss & Blake looked at each other before slowly moving away from the Blonde Brawler after hearing a large amount of growling. That, or a dragon getting ready to fuck with a village.

 **Grif** : You think the enemy's weapons are lying to us? What a surprise!

That's when Weiss & Blake decided to hit the deck as Yang burst into flames, "Take. That. Back, you lazy excuse for soldiers." Yang growled out, sounding as demonically as Creepy Ruby, before switching to a more sweet voice, "Or I'll rip your heads and spines out and use them as dual flails." Everyone there was freaking out, apart from Ruby. She was roasting marshmallows over Yang's head,

"Do you want s'mores, Yang?" Ruby asked,

"No, I'm fine." Yang answered, "…Maybe after this episode."

"Wait… how is Ruby-" Blake tried to say before interrupting herself, "You know what, I'm not even going to ask."(AN: From classicalass!)

 **Simmons** : It seems like a setup, I just can't figure out how.

 **Grif** : ( _getting punched or something_ ) Ow!

"I have a feeling that was Sarge." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : I don't know, if I can piece it together maybe that'll help fix things with- Sarge!?

"And I was right."

 **Sarge** : Hello, Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Where's Grif?

 **Sarge** : Well this here's a rescue operation. He's unconscious down below, being prepped for evac.

 **Simmons** : If it's a rescue operation, why did you knock him out?

 **Sarge** : Well, all work and no play, you know, heh heh heh.

"Worst hostage retriever ever." Weiss muttered, "Of all time, FUCK!"

 **Simmons** : That's dumb.

 **Sarge** : I think you know the proper procedure for submitting complaints, Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Heugh, I'll get my calligraphy pens.

"You know he isn't a part of the Reds anymore, right?" Yang said, "His suggestions are invalid."

 **Sarge** : Don't bother. I think you also know how we treat traitors on Red Team! ( _Cocks his Shotgun_ )

"Well, that's basically Sarge's answer to everything." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion.

 **Sarge** : I don't think so. Simmons, just remember, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

 **Simmons** : I seriously doubt that, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you.

 **Simmons** : I don't buy that either.

"I bet it's going to hurt Simmons more than it'll hurt Sarge." Weiss said, before looking at Ruby, 'You know, lately Ruby hasn't been saying much. I wonder why.'

 **Sarge** : Well I am the one who has to clean the shotgun later, and those solvents smell so-

_Church sneaks up on Sarge and knocks him out with the butt end of his sniper rifle. The same one Tucker still hasn't gotten to hold_

**Church** : Booya!

"OH! Did  _not_ see that coming!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Geegagawboh!

 **Simmons** : Ooh, the back of your head.

"Okay, I have to admit that was pretty awesome." Blake admitted,

"Okay, now take that Sniper Rifle. Shove it right up his ass and shoot! Destroy his insides starting from the rectum and ruin his digestive system before ripping apart the liver, spreading all the poisonous juices from within, disintegrating vital organs. Then, the bullets will go through the soft flesh of you, travel up the spine and out the head, but only through the back of the brain, blinding you for the rest of your life before the second bullet goes through the control center of the brain, killing you like it was nothing." Ruby said. By now, the others had their backs against the wall.

 **Church** : Well that was close. I've always wanted to say "booya" too, that was awesome. ...Booyeah.

"And… that made it less awesome." Blake muttered, still shivering at the images Ruby described.

 **Simmons** : Where the hell'd you come from?

 **Church** : Huh? Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over our base after we left. Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past.

 **Simmons** : Why would I be afraid of someone from the past? People from the future are scary. People from the past are savages and idiots.

 **Sarge** : Whaoweaugh, what the, who hit me?

"Ladies and gentlemen, the prime example of the past!" Yang said in an announcer voice, "Now with more asshole action."

 **Simmons** : Hurry, quick, before he wakes up, help me get this guy in the hole.

 **Church** : We have a hole? That's kickass!

"You said it." Weiss muttered, remembering what Ruby did to those who fucked with her. She always had a smile on her face as Ruby went to town with 'The Burning Tar of Lost Love' and 'The Needles of Heart Break'. That was the best Valentine's Day ever. Of all time.

_Cut to a dirty, nasty swamp where Tucker and friends are... sounds like an early morning cartoon, doesn't it?_

"What is that place, 'The Great Shitty Swamp Plains'?" Yang asked rhetorically, but immediately regretting it as Ruby went on about catching horrible diseases and other crap that would cause a slow, painful death. Everyone was going to have nightmares after this. Even Real Ruby.

 **Andy** : Alright. This, is the Great Swamp. We can rest here a while before we move on.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, let's rest in a swamp, that makes sense.

"What about the illness that destroys all the bone, leaving only the flesh of the victim?" Ruby asked,

"I don't think that exists Ruby." Blake said, before whispering to Yang, "It doesn't exist, right?"

"Tell that to my grandparents." Yang said with a very happy, warm smile. Blake decided to let that go and focus on the TV.

 **Andy** : Save your energy Tucker, you're gonna need it.

 **Tucker** : Aw screw that. So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster. What's next, we gonna open an unlocked door? Rescue a Princess from herself?

"Kill an extinct race?" (Ruby)

"Defeat a retired villain?" (Weiss)

"Steal unclassified documents?" (Blake)

' _Steal someone's virginity when he/she has already had sex?'_ (Noire)

"Beat the shit out of someone in the hospital?" (Yang)

"All of the above?" (RWBY)

 **Andy** : Hey Caboose. What's wrong?

 **Caboose** : I think something is following us.

"It's probably Tex." Yang guessed.

 **Andy** : Yeah. It's been on us since we left. Part of the prophecy talks about something evil that tries to take the Great Weapon.

"Tex isn't evil, per say. She's just… really, really mean." Blake said.

 **Tucker** : You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon? It can have it.

 **Andy** : It's attracted to it. It can't live without it.

"Swords aren't everything." Weiss said, only for Ruby to actually glare at her, with her creepiness enhancing it 100 times worse. When Weiss noticed, she almost got scared out of Yang's body,

"Never say that again." Ruby growled out as she got out Crescent Rose, "Or else that little soul you have will be ripped to shreds."

"O-O-Okay."

 **Tucker** : That doesn't sound good. Hey Caboose, come here and hold my sword.

"No matter what, the sword won't work for anybody but Tucker." Blake said, "It's a part of him now, like us with our weapons."

 **Andy** : It's okay, we got a plan. We can make camp, and then we'll tell ya about it.

 **Caboose** : I love camping!

"I still have s'mores, if anyone wants one." Ruby said as she started eating one. Weiss was feeling pretty hungry so she went to grab one, only for Ruby to snatch it away, "Except you."

_Fade out, then back in to ...the same place? What kind of useless dissolve was that? Oh yeah, Tucker's sleeping and snoring_

**Tucker** : ( _snore_ ) ...twins... hm, huh? Hey, guys? Andy? ...Caboose? Alien thing? ... ...Guys? Anybody?

"I think Andy's plan involves Tucker as bait. More specifically, his sword." Blake said.

_The whatever it is that's following them slowly sneaks up on Tucker as he says this_

**Andy** : Now Caboose!

 **The Alien** : WHARRRRRG!

_Crunchbite jumps on it and starts pummeling it. Go alien dude!_

"Wow, I guess it is the Alien's fighting style." Yang muttered, "It's super effective."

 **Andy** : We got it!

 **Caboose** : Is it safe to come out yet?

 **Andy** : Caboose, you were supposed to help.

"Unless it involves team-killing, Caboose is pretty much a burden." Blake said,

"Then again, it could be Tex and she is a part of the Blues, even though she's merc." Yang pointed out.

 **Caboose** : I was helping watch.

 **Andy** : What if somethin' had happened?

 **Caboose** : I'm sure I would have seen it.

"A real Guardian Angel there, Caboose." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Hey what the hell, where did you guys go?

 **Andy** : We laid a trap.

 **Tucker** : A trap? You left me all alone!

 **Andy** : Heh heh heh, you can't have a trap without bait!

 **Tucker** : I was the bait?

"Hey, it was either the Alien, who is important for the quest, Andy, who would kill everyone without a second thought, or Caboo-" Blake paused for a few seconds, "Actually, Caboose would've made great bait."

 **Caboose** : I thought you did a very good job.

 **Tex** : Get off of me you stinky idiot!

 **Tucker** : Tex?

"I was right." Yang muttered, "Even though I do respect Tex, mercs only like two things usually. Money and killing."

 **Tex** : This is some greeting. I come to help you guys and ya ambush me.

 **Andy** : You weren't comin' to help, you were comin' to steal the sword!

 **Tex** : No I wasn't. I was coming to steal your reward.

 **Andy** : There is no reward. The reward, is the sword.

"Wow, that rhymes!" Ruby exclaimed, "Now, take the sword and plant some mines, one misstep and they become a mist so fine!"

"She even makes rhyming creeping, holy shit." Blake whispered they backed away from the girl,

"After this season, we put her in a pit." Yang said, floating away,

"And now we go, and fear for our wit." Weiss finished off.

 **Tex** : Oh. Thennn yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword.

 **The Alien** : Hurn, blarrr.

 **Andy** : Oh yeah yeah, and also the salvation and emancipation of his species for all eternity.

 **Tex** : Tell you what. I'll go fifty/fifty. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.

"It won't work for you but you can dream." Weiss muttered.

 **The Alien** : Hurhonk?

 **Andy** : Deal.

 **Tucker** : What do I get?

 **Tex** : You get to live, but no guarantees.

"Well, she needs Tucker to die in order for the sword to work for her so it's guaranteed he'll die." Blake said.

 **Tucker** : That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.

"I'm so glad he isn't in our universe." Yang said with a sigh of relief, "If he saw me, I'd be hit on 24/7."

 **Tex** : I'm a woman, and somehow... I don't feel any luckier.

 **Tucker** : I said fine ladies.

 **Andy** : What do you want Caboose?

 **Caboose** : I want a pony.

"I want to too." Ruby admitted, "Only if it's on fire and can faze through solid objects when it wants to so I can ride it and really become a Chibi-Grimm Reaper!"

"NO PONIES!" Weiss exclaimed, "Don't you remember what happened last time you wanted to ride something?" The other girls groaned, "How did you even get a velociraptor Grimm to not kill you!?"

"You mean the RWBYsaurus? I got it because I was bored."

"And did I really have to come with you?"

"You're my partner, Weiss!" Ruby said as she hugged her, which was weird since she was in Yang's body. What made it creepy was that shadow arms started to hug her too, "And it was fun!"

'I've read enough hentai to see where this is going.' Blake thought with a blush as she saw one of the shadow arms reaching for one of Yang's boobs,

"Hey, hands off my body, bucko!" Yang exclaimed as she saw it too. The shadows quickly retracted back into Ruby, "Anyway, next episode?"

"Yep!" Ruby said as she looked at the remote. If you looked closely, you could see it sweating before it pressed play.

**(Talk of the Town)**

**Tucker** _( & Noire)_: Bow chicka bow wow. ( _still showing the title card; it's episode 69_ )

'God fucking damn it in my ass…'

'Why is everyone blushing?' Ruby thought as she looked around.

_Fade in to Blue Base in the Gulch_

**Church** : Man, Sarge is frickin' heavy. Hey Blue guy where'd you go I need some help.

 **Simmons** : Listen Donut, Church thinks I'm a Blue guy, so whatever you do just pretend like you don't know me.

 **Donut** : I don't know you.

"He's too god damn dumb to tell the difference." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, just like that, good job.

 **Donut** : No, I'm serious, I have no idea who you are.

_Sarge's limp, lifeless body falls down from the ceiling in the background_

"That has to be so far the best scene of the series." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Okay, stop practicing, here he comes.

"Donut wasn't even practicing in the first place." Weiss muttered as well.

 **Donut** : So does that mean you're not gonna tell me who you are?

 **Simmons** : Okay, that's a little too far, no-one's gonna buy that.

"Dude, it's convincing enough now hurry up!" Blake said.

 **Church** : Euh, you know I could have used some help new guy, thanks.

 **Simmons** : ( _in some weird voice_ ) I was just securing this prisoner. Which is interesting, considering that I have never met him before.

"The fuck is that accent?" Yang muttered, "It sounds like a retarded talking monkey."

"And that turned out well." Ruby muttered before crying blood, "Poor poor Brandon…"

 **Church** : Why is that interesting?

 **Simmons** : ( _still in that weird voice_ ) I don't know.

 **Church** : ...Is something wrong with your voice?

 **Simmons** : Oh I was just disguising it, so the prisoner wouldn't think he knew me.

"Because he doesn't know he was you!" Yang exclaimed,

"I have a feeling that this is going to get confusing." Blake muttered,

"Yeah…" Weiss groaned as she rubbed Yang's temples.

 **Donut** : What?

 **Simmons** : But he doesn't. Do you prisoner?

 **Donut** : Um... no?

 **Simmons** : Right. ( _whispering_ ) Good job Donut.

 **Donut** : Wait, is this some really weird form of torture?

' _If you want weird torture, try some string, paper, a stapler, a pencil and a sharpener for good measure. Now all you do is pull down his pants…'_

'You know a lot more than I do, you know that?'

' _Well, I did have a really shitty name in mind.'_

'What?'

' _Other Blake. O.B. for short.'_

'Okay, that's just lazy Noire.'

' _I know, right?'_

 **Church** : Well okay, help me load these guys in the jeep before they wake up.

 **Simmons** : Okay. Donut, grab the ankles.

 **Donut** : Okie dokie. How's this?

 **Simmons** : Sarge's ankles Donut.

Weiss couldn't help but face palm, 'Huh, Yang face palms harder than me.' Weiss thought.

_Cut to Crunchbite leading Tucker, Caboose and Tex through a tunnel of some sort_

**Andy** : Step it up guys, we're almost there.

 **Tucker** : I'm tellin' you, the alien has really been creepin' me out lately. Every time I wake up he's hovering over me. It's really weird.

' _Oh… do I sense a little bit of speciality in the show?'_

'Shut up Noire. Please.'

 **Tex** : I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword. I mean, my sword.

"Even though I hate to admit it, it's Tucker's stupid sword." Yang muttered, "Would be better with Tex though."

 **Caboose** : Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

 **Tucker** : Maybe he's trying to figure out what I taste like.

"I heard people taste like chicken…" Ruby muttered. Even before she said that, they were backing the hell away.

 **Andy** : Hurry up ya idiots.

 **Tucker** : Man did it get a lot colder all of a sudden?

 **Andy** : Of course it did. They don't call it the Great Freezin' Plains for nothin'.

"I bet you'd like it there Weiss." Yang said as she tried to nudge her arm, only for it to faze through, "Okay, I'm getting tired of this. Ruby, help me!"

"Ruby, do  _not_ help her." Weiss growled out before Ruby could even stand up, "I don't want Yang running around in my body."

 **Tucker** : Whoa.

 **Caboose** : I'm just glad, I brought my mittens.

"I'm sure your armour has some sort of heating system to help survive in the cold." Blake said.

 **Tex** : The snow is the least of our problems.

 **Andy** : Why?

 **Tex** : I assume we have to get in to that big temple base thing?

 **Andy** : Yeah...

 **Tex** : Well, it's got about two dozen guards on its walls.

"Why would there be a ton of guards at a temple?" Yang asked, "All there could be is some sort of religious artifact."

"Yeah, 'religious'." Weiss muttered to herself, before remembering a past episode, "Religious… equals worship…"

"Equals something worth protecting!" Blake spoke up as she caught on, "And if there's some sort of item that people worship is worth protecting that means,"

"Oh shit." Ruby said as she paled (even further than she usually is), "The fucking Red & Blue Flag guys." The RWBYs groaned in unison, getting ready for the idiocy to come.

 **Caboose** : Oh no.

 **Tex** : Yep. Doesn't look good.

 **Caboose** : No no no, I mean I lost one of my mittens? Um... we have to go back.

"So you're willing to go back through a ton of snow, a swamp with the potential to be infected with hundreds of illnesses and a burning desert after days of walking, for a mitten." Weiss said flatly, "…Wow."

"Then again, this is Caboose we're talking about." Blake pointed out.

 **Tucker** : Caboose we've been walking for days. We're not goin' back for anything.

 **Tex** : Suggestions Andy?

 **Andy** : I say we let Tucker storm in and take 'em out in a mad rush, and while he's got 'em distracted, we finish the quest.

 **Tucker** : On second thought, personal warmth is very important. Let's go get that mitten! It'll be like a mini-quest.

"WUSS!" Yang yelled out, before getting punched by Weiss, "WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Hey! Tucker could die and we don't have enough information on the sword! For all we know, the Great Weapon will die with him if he dies." Weiss explained,

"How are you able t-wait, are you worried that Tucker would die?" Weiss blushed before looking away,

"Sh-Shut up!"

"Fangirl~"

 **Tex** : I think surprise is the key.

 **Andy** : What ya thinkin'?

 **Tex** : Let me take them out, one by one. They will never know what hit them.

 **Andy** : Ya think you can kill 'em all without alerting the rest?

 **Tex** : Just watch me.

_Tex uses her cloaking ability to... you know... cloak_

"Oh right, forgot about that." Blake said,

"Huh, I wonder when or why Sarge installed that into Tex's body. He probably doesn't want a 'dirty Blue' sneaking up behind him knocking him out." Weiss said,

"Hey, it's one of life's great mysteries." Yang replied.

 **Andy** : How can I watch ya, you just turned invisible.

 **Tucker** : And yet, I was still able to check out her ass. That's why I'm a pro.

"PERVERT!" The RWBYs exclaimed.

_Cut back to the Gulch, where Church and Simmons are dropping off the Reds in front of their base_

**Church** : Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.

 **Donut** : Well what do I tell them?

 **Church** : I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

"Well, that's unnaturally nice of him." Weiss admitted as she felt a little warm inside, before trying to bury it under as much ice as possible. She was not willing to admit. Not yet.

 **Donut** : H-i always did wanna be a hero... H-and a liar.

"That's kinda conflicting." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Well then it's your lucky day.

 **Donut** : Don't you want anything?

 **Church** : Like what?

 **Donut** : Well, every time someone surrenders they take somethin'. Like when we took the medic, and you guys took Grif's dignity.

"Like he had any to begin with." Yang muttered, "And they both kinda sucked." Yang then held back a laugh, remembering Grif's speech.

 **Simmons** : Hyeah, like that ever existed. Uhhh, I mean, which one is Grif? Is he the yellow one?

 **Donut** : And this time you guys don't want anything?

 **Church** : Well, technically you're not surrendering. This is what we call in the Military, a "total asskicking." Oh, and also, we're taking your car.

"Okay, now that's something." Yang said, "Fuck it, BLUE TEAM HERE I COME!" Yang exclaimed as she ripped off her shirt to reveal nothing underneath. Weiss and Blake quickly blushed at the sight, "Oh shit!" Yang quickly imagined the shirt she wanted before it appeared. It was a blue shirt with a motorcycle on it doing a backflip, with words underneath it saying 'Go… BLUE TEAM!', "There we go."

 **Donut** : What? You're leaving us out here, without any transportation? We'll die!

 **Church** : Die of what?

 **Donut** : Exposure! We're stranded! This is murder.

"Your base is right there. I can see it." Weiss said, "Seriously, it's, like, right in front of you."

 **Church** : Your base is right there, I can see it.

"FUCK!"

 **Donut** : You may as well just feed us to the buzzards right now.

 **Church** : You could have walked back to the base in the time we've been discussing this.

"You could've done it before the whole conversation even began." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Go. Just sign our death warrants.

 **Sarge** : Rrouw. Gourough. What's goin' on?

 **Church** : Hey, take care o' that guy.

 **Simmons** : ( _whispering_ ) Sorry about this Sarge, but look at it this way, you were right; this does hurt you more than me.

"Ah… the sweet smell of revenge." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Is that you, Simmo- ( _smacked in the head_ ) goh, knocked out again.

"Well, that was a thing." Yang said, "So, WHEN AM I GOING TO GET BACK INTO MY BODY!?" Yang exploded,

"Uh, um…" Blake reverted back to her stuttering state, 'Noire, help me.'

' _Already done._ ' Blake's hands then flickered alight into white fire, ' _Second time's the charm.'_

'And let's not go for a third.' Blake then grabbed Yang and threw her back in her body, reverting her body back to normal, before reaching in and successfully getting Weiss' soul, 'Okay, now all I have to do i-ugh!' Blake was then hit with a wave of fatigue. She knew she was running out of time as her vision blurred. She used all her strength to keep pushing on, and gave out as soon as she felt skin. She threw Weiss into her body and fainted right on the floor, but not before speaking a few words,

"Let's hope I didn't screw up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	33. Tex Must Die (Sneaking In, You Keep Using That Word, Getting Debriefed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I hate younger me. All RvB scenes and dialogue are Rooster Teeth property and is copied off the wiki.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

'Ugh… where… am I?' Weiss thought as she stood up. She looked around and saw nothing but pitch blackness everywhere, 'Please don't tell me Blake actually caused me to go into the afterlife. Or worse, trap me in Ruby's body.'

"Actually, you're in mine." A voice said behind her. Weiss jumped a little and turned around and saw the cat girl herself, "Hello Weiss."

"Oh God damn it." Weiss muttered angrily, "Why does everything happen to me?"

"I think it's karma coming back and biting you in the ass for your treatment of Faunus." Blake guessed,

"Nope, that happened while you were sick." Weiss then shivered, remembering everything that happened that day. She even thought Velvet was behind one (if not all) of those karmic revenge plans. And she had a sneaking suspicion Blake was faking it… "Wait, I thought I was thrown into Ruby if my memory is correct." Weiss pointed out, remembering seeing red before,

"Okay, that's because I was looking at Ruby while you were in my body before I fainted."

"Then why didn't I possess Ruby." Blake stayed quiet for a moment before speaking again,

"Well… while I-my hand were on fire, I could see that Ruby had a sort of force field around her. My guess is that you bounced off that and you landed in my body."

"Okay… wait, how are you able to do that anyway?" Blake hesitated, 'Think, think, think, think, think, GOT IT!'

"Hey! Look! NEVERMORE!" Blake exclaimed as she pointed upwards. Weiss couldn't help but look at where Blake pointed at,

"Wait, isn't that the head of the Nevermore Ruby KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" Weiss screamed out as she was kicked by Blake in the crotch and up into the 'sky', with a sonic boom to emphasize the power Blake put into the kick, "YOU FUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

*Ding!*

With added sparkle.

"Phew! That was close _._ " Blake said as she shed her clothes to reveal a more skimpy set up, " _Almost caught me there."_ Noire then looked around to make sure her other wasn't here and smiled, " _This is perfect. All going to plan."_

(RWBY'S Dorm)

"How long has Blake been knocked out/Weiss been in there?" Yang asked, now back in her body. Ruby checked the clock,

"It's been a few minutes. She's been unconscious 2 minutes longer than last time." Ruby answered before pulling out Crescent Rose, "Too long… Crescent Rose, this is the perfect time to use you." Before Ruby could lift her weapon up, Yang quickly took it away,

"Ruby! No! You are not using Crescent… Rose… to…" Yang now started to regret her life-defining decision as Ruby's shadow started growing in size, becoming more demonic as the lights around them dimmed as Ruby's eyes regained their irises and pupils. Except this time, they weren't innocent silver.

It was Blood Red, with 5 commas surrounding the pupils before turning into a 7-pointed star shape (AN: Never actually watched much of the anime so please correct me on some details). Ruby glared at her sister as she only uttered one word:

"Tsukuyomi."

(2 seconds later)

"-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Weiss exclaimed as she exited Blake's body, causing said Faunus to wake up, and slamming into the ceiling (Just deal with it), "Ow…" Weiss groaned as she fell through the ground and landed at ground level, a good few stories below. While Weiss was slowly floating back up to the dorm, Blake saw staring in disbelief, shock and curiosity on how Ruby was causing Yang to excrete any and every bodily fluid known to man and woman, all while Yang was silently screaming at the horror she was seeing. What was she seeing?

Ruby brutally dismantling Moto-kun, and then moving onto the Jeep, and then finally Shelia. And repeating it for a whole year in that world.

Should I mention that Yang crying blood?

After Ruby finished, Yang collapsed to the ground, still shitting, pissing and lactating on herself, while Ruby just stared at her. Unfazed by the gross horror unfolding in front of her, "Don't take Crescent Rose." Ruby said flatly as she turned and walked away, as the scene around her turned back to normal, "So… does anyone want ice-cream?" Weiss had just arrived to see the brave, bold and cocky blonde ruining her reputation every second, so she looked at Blake, who looked back, and slowly shook their heads at Ruby, "I think we have strawberry…" They looked at each other one last time before nodding. When Ruby left, Weiss & Blake ran/floated away to a janitor's closet to both hide and get supplied to clean up the mess Yang made, who was still making the mess worse while unconscious, still suffering the effects of Ruby's stare.

(One Hour Later)

"We had to resort to this, huh?" Blake said as she started setting up for the next set of episodes. She would've let Yang do it, but she was… occupied,

"We have no choice." Weiss told Blake, "And we're lucky we had the materials."

"What are you talking about?" Ruby asked as she walked into the room with a tub of strawberry ice-cream, seeing Blake putting new batteries in the remote (apparently they fried after Ruby used it), Weiss on a chair and Yang in a tub with a lid on it with a hole in for her head.

Yeah… she stopped shitting, bleeding etc.  _but_ she was still pissing herself so Weiss & Blake had to put her in a improvised tub, cut a hole for her head and hair and put her placed her in the tub in nothing but a bikini. She couldn't wear panties because… you know,

"Sup Yang." Ruby greeted happily (like a crazy woman with a scythe to grind), "How's it going?"

"Oh nothing, except I CAN'T STOP PISSING MYSEL-Oh God!" Yang exclaimed as she was reminded of the horror and started pissing herself even more, "This stupid tub will be filled by the end with my own pee."

"This is starting to get disgusting." Weiss muttered as she turned green, "Anyway, let's start the show! Blake!"

"You're enthusiastic, aren't you?"

"Shut up!" Weiss quickly said as she blushed, "Just start the goddamn movies!"

"Alright…" Blake muttered in an amused tone as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Sneaking In)**

_Fade in to the Blue guys guarding the temple base thingy that Tex is supposed to attack_

**Blue Grunt 1** : Hey Reds! We're guarding the shit outta this wall, you suck!

 **Red Grunt** : Your wall's easy to guard, try ours!

"Well, it depends on the positioning of the walls and type of wall. Is it directly facing a possible entry point from the sides where they can attack from and slowly chip away or is it the entrance where they'll launch a full on assault on." Blake said,

"Still can't believe that blonde idiot's plan worked." Weiss muttered, remembering they and JNPR had to team up to take down an entire castle,

"Well, he has been learning." Yang pointed out.

 **Blue Grunt 2** : You don't even have a roof up there, you suck. What're you guarding it from, birds?

 **Red Grunt** : You suck.

 **Blue Grunt 2** : You suck.

 **Blue Grunt 1** : You suck.

 **Red Grunt** : You suck.

 **Blue Grunt 1** : You suck.

 **Blue Grunt 2** : You suck.

 **Blue Grunt 1** : You suck.

 **Red Grunt** : You suck.

"You all suck!" Yang exclaimed, "You suck harder than a whore in a whore house full of nothing but whores, whoring out their bodies to other whores who whore out in the street!"

 **Blue Grunt 2** : No you do!

"FUCK!"

"Okay, I have to admit: You got burned." Ruby said with a slight giggle, which came out as a sadist laugh,

"You know, I'm surprised no one has called one of us a whore/slut yet." Blake pointed out,

' _Do you want me to call you my little slut?'_

'Not now, Noire.'

' _I didn't hear a No!~'_ (AN: From classicalass!)

 **Red Grunt** : We suck. No you suck.

 **Blue Grunt 1** : Okay never mind.

 **Blue Grunt 2** : You suck!

 **Tucker** : Oh, those guys? How did they get here?

"By the most ineffective bomb ever." Weiss muttered, "Of all time." She then proceeded to curse and face palm.

 **Caboose** : Shoosh. Tex told us to be quiet.

 **Tucker** : Caboose, we're three hundred yards away. I don't think they heard us.

 **Red Grunt** : I think I heard something.

 **Tucker** : I'm sure that was, just a coincidence.

"Those Grunts have a really good hearing range." Blake noted, "Not as far as Faunus' but good enough for a human."

_Tex arrives inside the temple_

**Andy** : Alright. After she takes out those three one by one, we probably stand a chance.

_Tex starts beating on one of the Blue grunts_

**Blue Grunt** : Ow, what the fuck, that hurt! Ow!

 **Andy** : Or maybe not.

"Freelancer Tex, everybody!" Yang exclaimed, "The true master of stealth and subtlety!"

'Please get caught, please get caught, please get caught and FINALLY DIE!' Ruby thought frantically in her head. When the others saw Ruby's hopeful face, they slowly started backing away.

 **Blue Grunt** : Ow! Ow! Jesus! Ow! Stop it!

 **Tucker** : Uh oh.

"Keep going Tex! May the Religious Flag Man die a horrible death, full of agony, despair, misery and darkness as you bash your gun into his skull, cracking it as the brain starts to turn into mush, as his body starts decaying as soon as he dies a painful and humiliating death, at the hands of the  _bitch who hates everybody_." Ruby said she started laughing like a madman. And that is not a typo. Also, she wanted one of the grunts to notice the bloody pile blow Tex's cover and finally destroy her.

 **Blue Grunt** : What the fuck? Ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

"What the hell!? She's just got their attention!" Weiss exclaimed, "She'll be busted in seconds!" Blake just turned her head towards the ghost of the Heiress,

"Uh… I don't think so Weiss, they don't seem to be even paying attention. That, or they don't care."

 **Second Blue Grunt** : Heugh... So, did you watch the game last night?

"See?"

 **Red Grunt** : Yeah, go Red.

 **Second Blue Grunt** : Fuck that, Red sucks.

Weiss looked genuinely confused and lost, "Why are they not noticing Tex beating the guy shitless!? I know they're idiots and their whole existence depends on a flag but this is stretching it!"

"No offense, but I think it really has to do with the flag. They don't care about others, only the Flag God and all that's flappy. So I think,  _maybe,_ they ignore everything but the flag and let others die. It's Flag or Death in the mind of the Red and Blue Flag Guys." Yang said, "As you can see…" Yang then tilted her head forward towards the screen, just as Tex was lovingly spraying bullets into the man's everything with a very loud and less-than-stealthy gun.

 **Blue Grunt** : Now you're shooting me! Give me a break, this sucks! What the fuck did I ever do to you?! COME ONNNN!

 **Tucker** : What the fuck, are they deaf?

"Oh man… Tucker just jinxed the entire thing." Yang muttered, surprising Weiss,

"What? But just said, unless it's the all-powerful Flag of Gods, that they would ignore everything and won't pay attention to anyone, even as they're dying horrible deaths."

"But you forget, my dear Ghost. The universe enjoys nothing more than fucking with people in situations like this. Casing point,"

_A sniper shot hits behind Tucker_

**Tucker** : Oh right, that you heard?

"Told you so!~" Yang sang out,

"Oh shut up, you're in a tub pissing yourself." Weiss retorted,

"I think it st-no wait… nope, just got worse."

"How the hell did you see that coming anyway?" Blake asked, surprised,

"'Cause I'm Genre-Savvy in fighting, bitch! When you've been to one bar-room brawl, you've been to war and beyond." Yang said proudly before sighing dreamily, remembering all the heads she's bashed in and all the manhoods destroyed that night, all caused by some idiot uttering the words 'There are no chicken strips' (AN: From snake screamer!)

_THE SIEGE BEGINS! A plasma grenade lands on the Blue grunt at the turret and blows him up_

**All the Grunts** : Huh?

 **That First Blue Grunt** : What?

 **Tex** : Hiya fellas. Who's next?

 **All the Grunts** : Charge!

"Ruby?" Blake asked,

"Yes?" Ruby said as she got close enough to make her flinch,

"C-Could you st-s-st-start Tex's Kill Counter please?" Yang raised an eyebrow,

"We have one of those?"

"Yes." Ruby answered. The girls freaked out when they saw an electronic scoreboard. There was another title but it was painted crudely over with the words 'Tex's R & B Flag Guys Kill Count' on it. They were sure she ripped it out from the Gym but they couldn't help but wonder,

"WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?" Weiss yelled out. Blake just shrugged (AN: From Autistic-Grizzly!)

_They charge, Tex mows 'em down with two SMGs, proving once and for all that she's a total badass_

"How many so far?" Yang asked,

"69." Ruby answered,

' _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ '

'SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!'

 **Tucker** : That went well. So much for a sneak attack.

"That went way worse than our first stealth mission." Blake muttered.

_Cut to Donut talking on Red Base back in the Gulch_

**Donut** : And that's how I rescued you both, and saved the day. The, End. Any questions?

 **Grif** : Donut, that was the longest story I have ever heard. And I don't think I believed a word of it.

 **Sarge** : And quite frankly I found the showtune in the middle to be a little over the top.

"And I have a song for it." Ruby said. WBY looked at her weirdly,

"You do?" They asked. Next thing they knew, Ruby had a electric guitar in her arms and started singing in a sort of Death Metal voice. You can make up the music.

OH GOD, THERE'S NAPALM EVERYWHERE!

THEY'RE MOWING US DOWN!

THEY'RE IN THE TREES, MY FRIEND!

NOW IN FIRE, WE DROWN!

No, you're having Vietnam Flashbacks

And we're rocking out with ease

You're in an old retirement home

Because you just survived the siege

(OH GOD, THEY'RE IN THE TREES)

And now look up at the stars

And see friends in the sky

Who got killed in 'Nam

And would be better if you'd died!

"So… how was it?" Ruby asked her traumatized team,

"The fuck is Vietnam…" Yang muttered (AN: Okay, I got that joke off of a teh smarty video while they were playing Cards Against Humanity. I think it was episode 96 roughly.)

 **Donut** : Every word is absolutely true. It was the best military operation that you two ever slept through.

 **Grif** : If everything went so well, then where's our jeep?

 **Donut** : Well, I have a song I'd like to sing about that.

"NO!" WBY exclaimed, while Ruby muttered about wanting to hear it.

 **Grif** : Forget it.

_Cut to Church and Blue Simmons spying on the Reds through Church's sniper rifle_

**Church** : Okay, that red one? That's Sarge. He's their leader, which is lucky for us because... well he's not that good a leader.

"You aren't too but at least you kinda care about your charge." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : Okay.

 **Church** : And the one next to him is Donut. I like Donut, he's pretty harmless man, I, I don't think he'd hurt a fly.

"I guess Donut's alright if you ignore the innuendoes." Blake admitted,

' _But you can't, can you?'_

'Shut. Up.'

 **Simmons** : Yeah, plus he's a little...

 **Church** : A little, what?

 **Simmons** : You know.

 **Church** : No I, no I don't know.

 **Simmons** : You know, he's kinda in to, girly stuff like ...feelings, and... da- you know.

"Okay, okay, stop. I admit, Donut is a bit… ambiguous but that doesn't mean he's a bad guy." Yang said, "He is dumb though."

 **Church** : Uh, I think you might be projecting, there.

 **Simmons** : I'm not projecting, I'm just stating an observation.

 **Church** : I don't know man. You seem pretty defensive for somebody who's not projecting.

 **Simmons** : His armor is pink.

"Okay, is Simmons a homophobe?" Blake asked rhetorically.

 **Church** : Pink, I wouldn't say pink, maybe... you know, slightly less red, but-

 **Simmons** : It's pink, trust me. I know pink when I see it.

"It's lightish-red." Ruby muttered,

"Ruby, it's pi-"

"IT'S LIGHTISH-RED YANG!"

 **Church** : Uh yeah, I bet. You wanna talk about it?

 **Simmons** : No.

 **Church** : And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy, and really annoying.

"Which is true." Weiss muttered as she crossed her arms.

 **Simmons** : Yeah.

 **Church** : But, at least he's smart. In fact I think he might be the smartest one of the bunch.

"Wait, what?" Weiss asked in disbelief,

"Well, I guess he is smart. He's just too lazy to use his brain." Blake stated.

 **Simmons** : You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

 **Church** : No I mean all of them put together man, there's this other guy, who hangs around, in maroon armor? I haven't seen him in a while but he's a freakin' know-it-all man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Church** : Yeah he walks around like he owns the place, and, you know he- you know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.

 **Simmons** : What do they say?

 **Church** : Oh just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also that, you know, he's not as attractive as other people are.

 **Simmons** : ( _Sniff, then as if holding back tears_ ) Man, he sounds like a real jerk.

_Simmons runs off_

**Church** : Hehey, where ya goin'?

 **Simmons** : I have to use the bathroom.

 **Church** : Well, u-hurry up man, I wanna finish your orientation before you have to make me dinner.

 **Sheila** : ...You do know that's Simmons, right?

 **Church** : Oh yeah.

Ruby picked up the remote and turned off the TV, with no one arguing. They sat there in silence for a few seconds, letting those last few lines sink in, "I'm… going to the kitchen." Ruby said as she dashed off,

"Uh… yeah, I'm going to go and… clean the music equipment!" Weiss said as she dashed off,

"Oh, uh… look at that! I think left a textbook back at Professor Port's classroom. Be right back!" Blake quickly said as she dashed off,

"And I'll be… at the Library." Yang told herself as jumped out of the tub and she walked out of the room. After arriving at their destinations, they all took in a deep breath,

And laughed as hard as they could.

After a good few minutes, they arrived back at the dorm after getting rid of any evidence of laughter, "Okay, starting the next episode now." Ruby said, still trying to stop herself from laughing at bit more, before pressing play.

**(You Keep Using That Word)**

_Fade in to Church admiring the Motorcycle, the Warthog, and Sheila_

Yang had to hold off a squeal, 'So. Many. Vehicles.' Yang thought as she drooled,

'Okay, this is starting to get borderline disturbing.' Weiss thought, 'After all of this is over, I'm getting a therapist. And maybe a witch doctor or some shit to prevent me from being a ghost again.'

 **Church** : Look at this Sheila, this, is a thing, of beauty, what I have here. I am amazed.

 **Sheila** : Whatever.

"Shelia's a bit angry." Yang muttered, "Is it something with Church? BLOW HIM THE FUCK UP!"

 **Church** : We have got every, single vehicle in this canyon. We are unstoppable. This is- I have my own fleet. I have my own fleet of cars.

 **Sheila** : Three vehicles and only one guy to drive them. Big deal.

"You could always run them over and let their guts, blood and brain goop splatter across the windscreen." Ruby suggested.

 **Church** : No the important thing is that they, don't have any vehicles to ...hey is there a problem here?

 **Sheila** : Problem? Why would there be a problem?

"Someone's a little agitated." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Ah-sh-e-a, I don't know. You just seem uh, ...you know... agitated.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

"Well, at least you didn't say the entire sentence exactly." Blake said, before sheepishly grinning at Weiss' glare.

 **Sheila** : You think I'm agitated.

 **Church** : Well uh- I- I didn't mean, well I- I didn't mean-

 **Sheila** : No, it was your word. Agitated. You said "You sure seem agitated, Sheila." So I guess that means I'm agitated. Don't I seem agitated, Church?

"It's more like 'Annoyed' by now." Yang said.

 **Church** : I'm just, I'm just saying you seem a little, upset.

 **Sheila** : Oh- so now I'm upset. Which is it Church, am I agitated or am I upset?

"I think Shelia is acting like a bit of a bitch." Blake muttered, before instantly regretting it as she saw Yang's eyes becoming red, "I-I mean it's all Church's fault and that we should put all our effort into killing that bitch of a g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!" Yang, not satisfied, went back to watching.

 **Church** : I don't, I mean I don't really- I could, I could go get a dictionary.

 **Sheila** : Why would I be upset?

 **Church** : Uh, I don't-

 **Sheila** : Well, would you be upset if I got a bunch more Blue guys to come hang around and help me?

"Well actually, there are other people on their team." Weiss pointed out.

 **Church** : Well actually there, are, three other guys on the squad.

"FUCK!"

 **Sheila** : Exactly. This isn't a parking lot Church, it's a team, a family.

"One fucked family, but a family never the less." Blake muttered.

 **Sheila:** Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?

"Let's see what the vehicles have done in the canyon." Blake said, "First Shelia killed Church,"

"By accident!" Yang defended,

"Have almost killed them, even if they were built/sent to the team using them," Weiss added in,

"It was Sarge's fault!"

"And Sheila caused Simmons to be kicked off the Red team, eliminating the numbers advantage they have and know will die unless a) Get Simmons back since he possibly has information on the Blues now or b) they somehow steal back a vehicle from them." Ruby finished,

"We-actually, I want the Reds to die. More than the Blues." Yang admitted, 'But they are pretty funny…'

 **Church** : Right, including the time that you killed me.

 **Sheila** : How about, if I suddenly decided, I wasn't the Blue team's tank? What if today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?

"DON'T DO IT!" RWBY exclaimed,

"Don't! They'll drive you insane as Sarge will tear you bolt by bolt, giving you horrible functions that I cannot fathom. The mere thought of the Reds acquiring a tank is nothing short of borderline insanity and will cause the destruction of the canyon! IT WILL BE THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!" Yang cried out,

"And beyond." Ruby quietly added in,

"AND BEYOND!"

 **Church** : They're just cars, Sheila.

 **Sheila** : I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that.

"Me too Shelia." Yang said as her hair started to flicker alight.

 **Church** : Hey is there like a... jealousy, setting, somewhere on you that I can you know, ...turn off?

 **Sheila** : Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?

_Cut to The Alien holding the Andy during the battle_

**Andy** : Tucker, use the Key and open the gate!

 **Tucker** : Key, what key, I don't have a key!

 **The Alien** : Wharrh.

 **Andy** : Your sword! Use the sword!

"Mother of God…" Yang said as she put on her aviators only to slowly pull them off, "It really  _is_  Keyblade."

 **Tucker** : Oh God, the sword is a key? Just when I thought this couldn't get any lamer.

"Yang! Stop predicting everything like one-eyed people and monsters trying to kill the BGC!" Weiss exclaimed, "What's next? Tucker's going to get pregnant by some parasitic embryo and give birth to an alien baby!?" Blake blushed as she imagined the scene,

"Um… that could happen." Blake said quietly,

' _Specialtiy!~'_

'Oh my God, is there a mute button in there?'

' _Nope. And there never will be.'_ Blake got creeped out since Noire started laughing evilly now (AN: From Cure Rider Phoenix!).

_Tucker strikes the hologram with the Key/Sword, opening the gate to reveal a vehicle_

Weiss and Blake jumped in their seats as they heard a moan before turning their head towards Yang, whose face was visibly red. They decided they didn't want to know what was happening in the tub and decided to see if Glynda had any alcohol in her office.

 **Tucker** : What is that thing?

 **The Alien** : Blarg blarg, blarg blarrgh!

 **Andy** : The ship!? What ship? No-one told me about a ship! Hey, come back here ya stink nugget!

 **The Alien** : Wharg, whargh!

_The Alien jumps in the ship and takes off_

RWB heard an even louder moan as Yang's head sweating now. When she noticed, she quickly said, "I ran out of pee."

 **Random Grunt of Unknown Color** : Get her!

_Tex jumps off the base and looks up at the ship_

**Tex** : Hey, what's that thing!? Where's he going?

"Wait, he said that the sword was the key to his planet's salvation so…" Blake muttered,

"The Alien was his homeworld's only hope of surviving!" Weiss finished off, "He just wanted to go home, and the Sword is basically the key to garage to his ship!"

"Okay, things just got real now." Yang said, 'I still want the purple ship.'

 **Andy** : I don't know! He just kept saying, "There it is, there it is!"

 **Tex** : I thought you said there was no reward at the end of the quest.

 **Andy** : I didn't know!

"There is no reward because the Alien has nothing to give! He's like a Hero of an RPG! Heroes only pay for three things: Weapons, Armour and Potions. HEROES DON'T PAY FOR ESCORT MISSIONS!" Weiss exclaimed,

"Okay, seriously, how do you know all the stuff about video games?" Yang asked. Weiss started to sweat but quickly put up a lie,

"Uh… stupid… nerdy… idiot Schnee Scientist." Weiss muttered angrily, "All those theories about creating a new type of Dust and teleportation…"

 **Tucker** : If you're pissed about that, wait until you find out that this sword, is really a key.

 **Tex** : A what? Andy...

 **Andy** : Hey don't blame me, I'm just the translator!

 **Caboose** : Um, I think the Alien is coming back.

_The Alien lines up the Blues in the sights of the ship_

"About the Alien being a Hero… yeah, complete lie." Blake said, 'And he had such a bi-NO! You will not go that path Blake. You will not go that path…'

 **Caboose** : Bad Alien! Go away!

 **Tucker** : Uh oh.

 **Tex** : Get down!

_Tucker and Tex move, revealing a Red Grunt_

**Random Red Grunt** : What?

_The Alien kills the Red Grunt with the ship's weapons_

**Random Red Grunt** : Ohoh, hurk blarg.

"Okay, I retract my previous statement." Blake said,

"Wow, I guess the Alien really is a Hero." Ruby said, "He may not like them but the least he could do is let them escape alive, maybe with a few broken arms, legs and a faulty servo or two." 'Or maybe some scrap metal…' Ruby thought as she glared at Tex, 'C'mon, Crunchbite, I know you want to!'

 **Caboose** : Ohhh, he wasn't coming to kill us. He was saving us. That's a good Alien.

 **Tex** : Well, a deal's a deal, he owes me that ship.

Weiss told Ruby to pause the video as she sighed in disgust, "No he doesn't." Weiss growled, now genuinely sick of Tex's greed, "You wanted the Sword, and he never agreed to give you his ship. Plus, regardless of what she does, he still needs it to go home and save his homeworld. What pathetic excuse, for both gaining something of value and most importantly, a pathetic excuse for a human being. I'm with Ruby: Tex should die."

"Me too." Blake spoke up, "Although the Alien did doubt them and did beat Tucker like he was a training dummy, he didn't do much to them and helped them. And he could've easily gone off by now and let them die, but instead chose to save them and help from the air. Crunchbite really is a Hero and deserves to go back home."

"I'm joining the 'Tex must die, again' club too." Yang said, "Tex has gone too far now. I can take her shooting at Caboose, I can take her killing the Reds and threatening the Blues and I will take into account that she is a mercenary, but this is just too much. She wanted Tucker's Sword and the Alien never promised to give her his ship. There really is no reward for the quest, and that's the way it should be in the first place."

"YES!" Ruby exclaimed, "We hate Tex now, right?" The others nodded, "Now, let's hope she dies before the season ends!" Ruby then un-paused the video.

 **Tex:** Andy, tell him to bring that thing down here and-

_A rocket hits the ship_

**The Alien** : Blarg!

The girls stared at disbelief as they saw the Alien die in a big ball of plasma and fire, "…Fuck." They said quietly and sadly,

"Well, that planet's screwed." Yang muttered.

 **Andy** : You still want me to tell him? 'Cause, I think it's down already.

 **Wyoming** : Tex!

 **Tex** (& RWBY): Wyoming!?

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Blake exclaimed as she stood up, "YOU ENTITLED PIECE OF BRITISH FUCKING SHIT! YOU FUCKED A WHOLE PLANET YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DESTROYED AN ENTIRE RACE WITH THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER! I swear, if you were real I will hunt you down like the deer you ware and make sure you die a horrible, slow and humiliating DEATH!" To no one's surprise, Yang didn't even bother to say anything about Wyoming. She was still pissed that the Alien died like it was nothing,

' _Looks like Pussy Cat have become a Lion, huh?'_  Noire thought, actually proud of her, ' _And now to annoy the shit out of her.'_

 **Caboose** : Connecticut!

 **Tucker** : They're not playing a game, Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Well, if they were, I woulda totally won.

 **Wyoming** : Well it appears I've spoiled your little game. So sorry chums.

"Fuck you, Wyoming!" Weiss exclaimed as she flipped the White British Sniper off.

 **Tex** : That was my ship.

"It was the Alien's!" Yang yelled out.

 **Wyoming** : Oh dear, then I stand corrected: I'm not sorry.

 **Tex** : You're gonna pay for that.

 **Wyoming** : All out of change at the moment. Get you next time. Cheerio!

 **Tex** : Get back here!

_Wyoming runs off, and Tex chases him_

"At least we have a break from that bitch." Blake said as everyone gave a sigh of relief.

 **Tucker** : Huh, that didn't go quite the way I expected. You think we should wait for her to come back? Or finish the quest on our own. Or just go home.

_Trumpets_

**Grunts** : Charge!

"Yeah, Tex is gone, the quest sucked and failed and now the Grunts are coming back to kill you. Now's a good time to run." Weiss said.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, let's go home.

_Cut to Church and Simmons in Blue Base_

**Church** : You okay there, Blue guy?

 **Simmons** : I'm fine, I, I told you it's just allergies.

"And those were the wussiest allergies ever." Yang said,

"Of all time." Weiss added in, "FUCK!"

 **Church** : Oh yeah? You know I never heard someone say boo hoo hoo when they sneezed.

 **Simmons** : I'm fine.

 **Church** : Good, well then now I can give you your orders. Um, first of all that jeep, out there is really dirty, and I think that-

 **Simmons** : What, why're you giving me orders?

"Because he's the leader of the Blues after Captain Flowers, God bless him, died." Weiss said,

"Wait, when Doc came, why did they ask for Tucker instead of Church? I know he was dead by that point but why?" Blake asked, but didn't get an answer.

 **Church** : Uh, because, that's the way the Blue team works?

 **Simmons** : Technically, you're the new guy. I should be telling you what to do.

"When Caboose & Tucker come back, he kinda out rules you since he has more followers." Yang said, "Although, the term 'Follower' is used loosely, if that's even possible."

 **Church** : Uh, I don't think so man, see back in the day, uhh the way this worked was Command would call, me, and give me the orders and then I would pass them along to everybody else. Kay it works like this I would get on my radio like this and I'd say, uh, uh "Come in Blue Command, come in, this is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read me?" And then normally this uh, really annoying guy would come back and he would say-

 **Vic** : Hello, hello, come in, hello.

"Oh shit! It's Vic!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : Wow, that was a pretty good impression. Can you do Arnold Schwarzenegger? "Ah'll be bahck."

"Who the fuck is that guy?" Weiss asked,

"He was a robot from Germany who was sent from the future to kill someone and ultimately failed his objective and decided to become an actor before becoming president of a state and fucked so much shit up when he lost 20 approval points and ate his vice president's guts as he ate steroids and shot lasers out of his eyes and killed skateboarders everywhere, eventually causing a skateboard revolution. But he completely tore them to shreds as he used his feet to rip off their arms and beat them to beat with it. He is now retired in a summer home, destroy innocent babies." Ruby said,

"O-Okay Ru-R-Ruby, n-no m-m-m-more ex-ex-explanations. W-We ge-g-get it." Yang stuttered.

 **Church** : That wasn't me. Uh, hello?

 **Vic** : Hello, come in Blood Gulch, can you hear me, hello, try the veal, hello.

 **Church** : What? V- Vic? Is that you? It's been eight hundred years, how have you survived so long?

 **Vic** : No no hey dude, Vic's dead. This is Vic's great great great great great great great great-

 **Simmons** : Asta la vista, baby!

 **Vic** : -great great great great great great great great great great grandson... Vic Junior.

"Wait, how did Vic get a kid? Didn't they," Ruby sobbed a little before continuing, "Perform a vasectomy?" The others slightly considered telling her about sperm banks, but after remembering Yang's lie about shooting storks, they kept quiet and continued watching.

 **Church** : And you work- and you work with Blue Command?

 **Vic** : Hoh right dude, good one dude, "Blue Command." Wink!

 **Church** : Wait a minute, what, wait, what does that mean? What does that mean, does- is the war over? Did we win?

 **Vic** : Dude, I got a lot to catch you up on.

"So… so far the quest failed, Simmons is in Blue team and Vic somehow has a kid or he adopted one many, many years ago that looks slightly like him and now has a great great great ect. Adopted grandchild." Yang summarized, "Yep, some pretty fucked up shit."

"Yang, we're experiencing some pretty fucked up shit." Blake stated as she pointed to Weiss, "Do you not see the gh-g-ghost there?"

"Just pass me the stupid remote." Blake shrugged and placed the remote on the lid. Yang then used her head (literally) to press play.

**(Getting Debriefed)**

_Fade in to Grif talking to Sarge ...or Sarge talking to Grif, depending on your viewpoint_

**Grif** : You wanted ta, see me, Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Yes Grif, I think it's time we buried the hatchet. Started workin' more closely together.

"Knowing Sarge, something that would literally end the world and other universes." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : Say what? Isn't that like a sign of the apocalypse or something?

"Like I said: end of the world, destruction of universes."

 **Sarge** : As you know, I've never liked you. Not even a little bit.

 **Grif** : Really.

"Now, are there any real news?" Weiss asked rhetorically.

 **Sarge** : You've always been lazy, insubordinate, and I suspect that underneath that helmet, you're probably extremely ugly to boot!

 **Grif** : No argument here.

"Come on and get on with it!" Yang exclaimed, "We all know that shit so hurry up give us new information."

 **Sarge** : Over the years I've been so disappointed in your work, I've slowly stopped giving you things to do. Most days, I forget ya even exist.

 **Grif** : Yeahhh, it's been a good run.

 **Sarge** : But I think we all need to realize that Simmons, is not comin' back. Red Team is just gonna have to make due with the few worthless soldiers we have left.

 **Grif** : Wait, didn't this start out as a pep talk?

"A pep talk? That must be the worst pep talk ever!" Weiss exclaimed, "Of all ti-NO, only two person set Weiss. Only two per set." After a good few milliseconds, Weiss blurted out, "Of all time. FUCK!"

 **Sarge** : We may never know why Simmons left-

"You drove him out, ya idiot!" Yang exclaimed, "Some Leader you are."

 **Grif** : Yeah, maybe he was overwhelmed by all the positive reinforcement you give out.

 **Sarge** : But the fact of the matter is we're at war! If we're gonna win this thing, we need to work together! We need to put aside our disgusting laziness and our constant attempts to kill each other in our sleep.

 **Grif** : I've never tried to kill you in your sleep.

"At least Grif never attempted to kill Sarge, so at least he cares." Weiss said, "Then again, he would be just too lazy to."

"And if he did, he would first choke Sarge with Oreos and vodka before shooting his voice box so no one could hear him scream as Grif would start stabbing him to death while Donut watches in horror, before Grif forces him to help him kill him by cutting off his penis and his balls before force-feeding it to him, until Grif has had enough and snaps his neck and letting him fall to the ground and stay there, as his body decays. There wouldn't be armour left because Donut would steal it." Ruby said,

'So. Much. Sadism.' WBY thought, 'I don't think I can handle anymore.'

 **Sarge** : Dammit Grif this is a compromise. I realize I'm gonna have to give up some things as well.

_Cut to Simmons walking up to the Red base, with Donut standing on the roof looking down_

**Donut** : Halt! Who goes there?

 **Simmons** : Donut, it's me.

 **Donut** : Oh right, you. Whadda you want?

 **Simmons** : I wanna talk to Sarge. I just found out some info. Wait, why'm I answering your questions?

"I guess he's relaying that Command is still online, at least for the Blues." Blake guessed.

 **Donut** : I said hold it!

 **Simmons** : What's your problem, Donut?

 **Donut** : Sarge told me not to let anyone in the base, and I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

"But does that also include your friends?" Yang asked, "Your non-existent friends and teammates?"

 **Simmons** : I'm not the enemy.

 **Donut** : Oh please, you're dressed in Blue! F.Y.I. there's kind of a theme around here. You're Blue, I'm Red.

 **Simmons** : More like pink.

 **Donut** : I have a gun?

"Not even going to ask why." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : Okay, okay. I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

 **Donut** : You helped the Blues.

 **Simmons** : And fooled them.

"Not even for a fucking second were they convinced." Yang said.

 **Donut** : You knocked Sarge out. Twice!

 **Simmons** : Once again Donut, to fool the Blues.

"And some sweet, sweet revenge." Weiss said before mumbling angrily, "Stupid scientist trying to figure out how to use revenge as a fuel source..."

 **Simmons:**...And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures, but look just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell even Grif knows it's me.

 **Donut** : Oh sure, everyone knows who you are but me.

"Because everyone does, you idiot!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : No, the Blues don't know either.

_Cut to Church and Sheila_

**Church** : Hey Sheila where'd that Simmons guy go that was spyin' on us?

 **Sheila** : I don't know, why don't you go ask your new jeep?

"Okay, I have to admit that Shelia is getting really jealous." Yang admitted, and that's saying something.

_Cut back to the portcullis_

**Sarge** : What's all this racket?

 **Donut** : There's an enemy tryin' to get in to the base.

 **Sarge** : Where?

 **Donut** : Right there.

 **Sarge** : ...Where, behind Simmons?

"Hell, even fucking Sarge is smarter than you!" Blake exclaimed, 'Yep, starting to regret it.'

 **Simmons** : He means me, Sir.

 **Donut** : Ohhh, Simmons. Why didn't you tell me it was you?

 **Simmons** : Donut I did tell you it was me.

 **Donut** : Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."

 **Simmons** : I am me.

 **Donut** : But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

"Ugh… I think my brain is frying…" Yang groaned.

 **Simmons** : That's because Ah'm me.

 **Grif** : And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

The RWBYs shivered, remembering the pronoun club. They didn't even survive a week. Or a day. Or an hour to say the least. Okay, to be honest, they even last half an hour.

 **Simmons** : Well, now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

 **Sarge** : I don't want to hear it, Blue.

 **Simmons** : What? This is valuable information about the war.

 **Sarge** : There's no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

"You know, it's sounding more like double agent." Weiss said,

"Dick. Dick Simmons. License to kiss ass." Yang said in a British accent.

 **Simmons** : But Sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

 **Donut** : Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father, that he displaces on you.

"Okay, you what? I'm already confused enough from Donut and now I'm just getting a migraine from all of this shit." Weiss muttered,

"How can a ghost have a migraine when you technically don't have a brain? Or a body to feel pain?" Ruby asked,

"J-Just don't ask."

 **Simmons** : No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

"And for sweet, sweet revenge." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Alright, enough. The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is gettin' Court-Martialed.

 **Grif** : Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror. Well, I'll go pack mah bags... Nice workin' with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

The others could help but let out a little laugh. Barely audible and barely notable, but full of happiness.

_Cut to Tucker and Caboose who's carrying Andy approaching Blue Base_

**Church** : Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes, what's up guys?

 **Tucker** : Meh.

 **Church** : Hey where's Tex?

 **Tucker** : Gone.

"Hopefully dead by now." Ruby mumbled,

"Okay, I just the 'TexMustDie' club but I don't want her to die that early." Yang admitted, "Anyway, I want to see the death, you know?"

 **Church** : Where's the alien?

 **Tucker** : Dead.

"Wanted a hero's death but protecting the Blues still counts." Blake said.

 **Church** : Well how'd the quest go?

 **Tucker** : Failed.

"As epically as you can guess." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah you know I, I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I.

 **Andy** : Eh I wouldn't say "failed," but these guys definitely screwed it up royally.

 **Tucker** : What? We didn't do anything!

 **Andy** : Exactly. You let Tex do all the work and got the alien killed.

"You know, since they wouldn't need Andy soon enough they could've easily rolled him in and blew up the temple as long the ship was intact in the end." Blake pointed out, "What's the point of keeping a translating bomb? Bowl it in and detonate that shit."

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do. So, technically we didn't screw anything up.

 **Caboose** : It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple.

 **Church** : Well is Tex okay?

 **Tucker** : She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.

 **Church** : Tex?

 **Tucker** : Yeah.

 **Church** : Wyoming?

 **Tucker** : Yes.

"Repeat Club meeting over, see ya next week!" Weiss said. Okay, Repeat Club went  _way_ better than Pronoun Club.

 **Caboose** : Massachusetts.

 **Tucker** : Seriously, stop it.

 **Church** : Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?

 **Tucker** : Tell you when, we just got here.

 **Church** : Yeah but you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest.

"Hey, you asked bitch. Deal with it." Yang said.

 **Andy** : Eh, I really wouldn't say "failed" here...

 **Tucker** : This conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry, where's the food.

 **Church** : Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible. Okay?

 **Tucker** : Well here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We, suck.

 **Church** : I said new information.

"How about this? Never let anyone perform a quest. Ever." Blake suggested.

 **Tucker** : Don't we have anything to eat in this place?

"And another set is done." Yang said before she shifted around in her tub, "Hey! I actually stopped pissing myself!"

"But the tub looks kinda… full." Weiss noted. Yang shifted again to feel it's weight,

"Oh yeah!" Then Yang blushed as she realized something, "So… uh… here's the awkward part: Who'll help me push this thing into the bathroom and help me shower. I can't feel my legs anymore…" As soon as that was said, Ruby & Weiss dashed off, leaving Blake behind. The cat girl looked around before cursing and started pushing the tub containing Yang into the bathroom,

' _Hey, at least you get to see one fine piece of ass.'_

'Just shut up Noire and leave me alone. I've about had enough for one day.'

' _Just as I was hoping._ ' Noire thought as she cut off the connection. She had preparations to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	34. Season Finale-Cupcakes (Under The Weather, Right To Remain Silenced, Things Are Looking Down, Two For One, The Arrival)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue are copied off the wiki and is Rooster Teeth property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

How long has it been since they've saw another person other than each other? Days, weeks, months, years? They were pretty sure it was just a month but it felt longer, as they slowly dipped into insanity. The more Red vs Blue they watched, they couldn't help but watch more. But they knew the more they watched, the more they had to resist the urge to kill each other. They needed someone, anyone different to talk to.

Ruby's Phases was kinda like that.

With each personality, Weiss, Blake & Yang felt a little bit of relief deep inside of them. They had someone completely different to talk to while still having a familiar face. And now that they thought about, best way to keep themselves and Ruby safe was to work together and do whatever they can to protect themselves. So, after Yang got cleaned up, she called in a team meeting without Ruby, "Alright, we have at least one week until Ruby becomes the most perverted motherfucker in the entire world of Remnant. Any suggestions?" Yang asked as they sat in the ruins of the Teacher's Lounge,

"Hm… we still have a lot of duct tape left, some rope and chains and 7 padlocks." Weiss said, floating in a sitting position, "We could bound and gag her and throw her in a closet, but I think I need her to send me back in my body since she did this to me."

"But I have still have my powers." Blake pointed out as Noire activated it for a few seconds to show, "Maybe I can…"

"NO!" Weiss quickly interrupted, "Every time you used that you either trap into one of your bodies or one of you becomes a ghost while I possess your body!" Weiss exclaimed as she squeezed large imaginary breast, "Seriously, I can still feel Yang's boobs and they're fucking heavy, even without the boob guards."

"They're not that heavy." Yang said, before the others looked at her weirdly. "Okay, they're big but their surprisingly light."

"That's because you grew up with them!"

"At least I'm not as flat as a washboard!"

"You take that back! My boobs are fine! Your ones are just monstrous!"

"You wanna go now!?" Yang exclaimed as she activated Ember Cecelia,

"You can't touch me!" Weiss pointed out as she pulled out the ghost version of Myrtenaster,

"Are you sure?" Yang asked as she lit her hair on fire,

"Oh, I know so!"

"GIRLS!" Blake exclaimed as she stood between them, "There's no reason to fight! Yang, shut up about your boobs. Weiss, they're fine. And seriously!? How did this meeting go from stopping Ruby's Perverted Phase to boobs!?"

' _Aw… couldn't you break it up when we were at the good part?'_ Noire whined,

'Shut up.' Blake thought before she said, "You know what, let's just go with the original plan and knock her the fuck out and stuff her in a closet." The others sighed as they muttered in agreement, "Alright, now, where's Ruby?"

"You called?" Ruby said as she burst through the door, giving the girls heart attacks (yes, even the ghost in the room),

"Holy shit Ruby, were you listening!?" Yang asked as her heart started to rest,

"No. I was hunting you guys down to tell you that there are five episodes left of Season 4. Wanna finish it off?"

"Sure." Weiss answered as Ruby walked out to prepare for the final episodes. Just as Ruby shut the door, Weiss quickly whispered to Blake, "Bring the foam bats."

"And maybe a taser if we have any." Yang said as she got up, "And make sure to bring and hide as much crap we need as you can."

"Got it." Blake said as she dashed off,

"Weiss, look in the library and see if there's any book on the paranormal and stuff about ghosts."

"On it, Yang." Weiss said as she floated off,

"And I'll be helping Ruby set up for the last set of episodes for the week." Yang said to herself before smirking, "Be prepared my future perverted sister, because you won't be groping anyone anytime soon."

(RWBY's Dorm)

"Okay, are we all set?" Ruby asked as everyone got a chair, even Weiss. Sure, she just floated but she liked a bit of normalcy in her life,

"Yep." Weiss said as she looked at her body again and sighed, 'Well, this is going to be one hell of a story to tell my children. And everyone else.'

"Get on with the show." Blake called out as she checked she had everything in the right hiding spots, 'Let's just hope it works.'

' _No it won't_.' Noire thought, ' _There's more to that than physical violence.'_

"Hurry up and press play, Ruby." Yang exclaimed as she grabbed some nachos0, 'My God this is good shit.' Yang thought as she ate some, 'I wonder why I've never tried nachos with meat before. But a better question would be where did the chunks of meat come from? It doesn't taste like anything I've ever tasted.'

"Alright! Time to play the final episodes of Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 4!" Ruby yelled out as she pressed play.

**(Under The Weather)**

_Fade in to Blue Base, with Tucker moaning as he often does_

**Tucker** : Uuuuuuuhuuugh... Uuuuuuhhhohgaawwwwd…

"He doesn't sound healthy, does he?" Yang muttered,

"Probably caught something from the swamp like diarrhea or some shit." Blake guessed,

"Or it's some disease that makes the infected lose control of their nervous system and only cause them to moan in pain as they die slowly from their heart slowly disintegrating into dust as the other organs rot rapidly." Ruby said,

"Seriously? This early?" Weiss said flatly, getting used to Ruby sadist mode,

"What? I was just saying Tucker might be infected by some horrible disease and what it could do to him." Weiss wanted to go further but she knew it was useless so she went back to watching, deep down a little worried that Tucker might be dying… again.

 **Church** : Man, he sounds terrible.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp.

"See, he must've gotten infected there." Blake stated.

 **Church** : Swamp, you guys were in a swamp?

 **Caboose** : Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all.

"Then you haven't been in Atlas' swamps." Weiss muttered before having a mini-flashback, 'Oh God, they're in the water, they're in the water…' When they saw Weiss shivering, they knew what she was thinking.

 **Church** : Is this why you guys came home so fast?

 **Caboose** : No, we came home because the alien died, eyand because the uh glowing sword turned out to be a uh glowing key.

"Keyblade." Yang muttered, "Where the weapon chooses its master. Apparently, that one is the mentally challenged one of the bunch."

"He could get better you know, since it's stuck with him until he dies." Weiss pointed out.

 **Church** : Yeah a glowing key that can still stab people.

 **Caboose** : Right.

 **Church** : So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.

 **Caboose** : Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

"You know, it actually makes sense." Blake admitted, "At least at Caboose's standards."

"Which is set very, very low." Yang said.

 **Church** : God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.

 **Caboose** : Yeah. I have a really good time.

 **Church** : Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

"That's what you do on a daily basis, my friend." Weiss said. She then noticed everyone looking at her weirdly.

"'My friend'!?" RBY exclaimed at the same time,

"Sh-Shut up!" Weiss stuttered out while blushing as red as a ghost could. She was never going to admit it or even acknowledge it. She had standards damn it!

 **Tucker** : Uuuuuhhhhhhhoh...

 **Church** : Hey Tucker, you okay?

 **Tucker** : Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?

"Uh, because it might be contagious? And you've got to think about the health of the unit, even if it's just one guy." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Uh, because it might be contagious? Aaand because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole.

"Fucking God dammit." Weiss muttered under her breath.

 **Church** : I came up with that pretty fast.

 **Caboose** : And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that's just gross!

"Squamish little guy, aren't ya Church?" Yang said, "Man up! Because war has gore and if you can't handle the gore you can't score and win the war!"

"Those rhymes were a crime, Yang." Blake said before face palming.

 **Church** : Hey wait a second, you don't think that sword-

 **Caboose** : You mean the key?

 **Church** : No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?

"Well, the sword does look like it's made of a mysterious substance and it could be dangerous for humans to use." Blake said, "It could be another possibility why Tucker is sick."

 **Caboose** : I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.

 **Church** : We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

"Or he's becoming the Incredible Hulk." Yang joked.

 **Caboose** : Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

 **Church** : Wait now- why would solar power make him sick?

 **Caboose** : Is he Republican?

"BURN!" Yang yelled out,

"I don't get it." Ruby said. Yang was about to explain, when she realized that she didn't know herself. It just sounded like a burn.

_Cut to a great view of Blue Simmons through the opening of the ramp, flanked by Grif and Donut_

**Simmons** : Okay listen guys, do you want important information about the war or don't you?

 **Grif** : I don't know man, this is a pretty exclusive club we've got here. If we let one Blue guy in, we might have to let the next one in, and the next one, and then there goes the neighborhood.

 **Donut** : Yeah, pretty soon we'll have to let in women. And who wants them?

"You let Donut into Red team, and he's the most girlish man in the canyon." Blake said as she stole some nachos from Yang.

 **Grif** : Hhyeah, then we'd be talking about interior decorating and reality T.V. shows all day. No thanks.

"Okay, we don't like stuff like that!" Ruby exclaimed, "We like movies where the protagonist gets tortured to no end until he dies a horrible death, violence and everything in between!"

"Though civilian girls do…" Yang muttered, "Stupid whores."

 **Donut** : Grif, it kinda ruins my point when you just mention the good stuff.

 **Simmons** : I'm sure the Blues are using the information right now to plot an attack against us.

_Cut to Blue Base, Tucker Vomiting all over_

**Church** : That better have been in your bucket!

 **Caboose** : I'll get the mop.

"That is one diabolical plot." Blake said sarcastically,

"Hey, it could be worse. Caboose could slip on Tucker's vomit and snap his neck while the mop stabs Church in the eye, causing him to trip and set off his gun and headshot Tucker, as the bullet destroys the control centre of the brain and out the back of his head, instantly killing him." Ruby said,

"Tw-Two times a-al-already." Blake stuttered as she shivered at the detailed image in her head, "Th-That's a n-n-new re-r-record."

_Cut back to Grif et al_

**Grif** : Well you can forget it. You heard Sarge, there's no way we're letting you in the base dressed like that.

 **Donut** : Seriously, the Blue and Red thing is so last year.

_Cut to Simmons, now back in maroon armour._

**Simmons** : Well how 'bout this?

"Holy shit! He's fast!" Weiss said in disbelief and amazement,

"Faster than Blake." Yang added in, only for the Faunus to glare at her.

 **Grif** : How did you change so fast?

 **Simmons** : I've always been a fast changer. I'm very shy.

 **Grif** : Is that why you wear your underwear in the shower, too?

' _Oh… is he getting lonely? Oh God, let me out and let me see the Yaoi!'_

'Shut up Noire.' Blake thought as she blushed, 'Anyway, Grif & Simmons probably share a bathroom so they're bound to see each other naked or, in Simmons case, military-grade underwear.'

 **Simmons** : I also never use the bathroom at the base. Only at home.

 **Grif** : Dude, we've been stationed here for like three years.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, it's gonna be a very eventful homecoming.

"I wonder how large his shit would be by now." Yang wondered out loud,

"Yang, that's gross!" Weiss said,

"What? It's a genuine question, Weiss! Don't tell me you're not interested on big it is." Weiss stayed quiet at that point because she was curious how big it would be, "Hah!"

"Oh shut up, you brute."

_Cut to Church looking down on Andy not because he believes he's better, but because he's significantly taller._

**Church** : Andy, what in the hell happened to Tucker in this little adventure you guys took?

 **Andy** : How should I know?

 **Caboose** : He ate all my food and just threw it up. Coulda just thrown it on the floor, 'n' cut out the middle man.

"Like the time Yang wanted to bake something faster than it should be." Blake growled,

"Oh c'mon! Class was almost over and we-"

"YOU BLEW UP BREAD FOR CHRIST SAKE!" RWB yelled at the blonde with Ruby's demonic voice having a nice touch to their anger, as they were still pissed about Yang's cooking methods,

"We were stuck with 3rd degree burns for a week while you had to do missions with JNPR!" Weiss added in, "My skin felt like it was on fire for an entire week and you had to sleep outside because our yells of pain were keeping you up!"

"Oh yeah…" Yang said, before her fist fazed through Weiss' ghost, "I flunked three tests that week because you didn't help me study!"

"We were in pain." Blake said slowly, "All you would've heard was us screaming about how our skin felt like it was in the oven. Don't blame us, blame yourself." Yang was about to retort, but realized she shouldn't blame her teammates. And what she meant by 'study' was 'not procrastinate'.

 **Church** : Yeah plus now he's moody as hell. I went to ask him if he's feelin' better and he practically bit my goddamn head off.

"Wait… mood swings?" Blake muttered,

"Puberty?" Yang guessed, only to get slapped in the back of the head.

 **Caboose** : I bet he just would have thrown up your head later. And then you could just put it right back on, it'd be fine.

"You know, I'm tempted to take Church's suggestion and explore the mind of Caboose." Weiss said as she looked at her hands.

 **Andy** : He was fine on the trip, maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

 **Church** : Did you guys come in contact with anything weird, like any strange plants or animals er, like superflu viruses er, porn stars?

The RWBYs blushed at the last part, except Ruby, who was wondering what a porn star was.

 **Andy** : Oh yeah, there's one thing I forgot to mention. We invaded a secret biological warfare lab, run by porn stars. Tucker licked all the Petri dishes, even though we told him not to. Then he got thirsty, so he drank everything in the test tubes. You think that had anything to do with it?

' _I can see it now…'_  Noire said as she cleared her throat,  _'"Professor Dick, we have discover a new substance that could cure STI."'_  Noire then switched to a deeper voice,  _'"Where is the sample?"'_  Noire then switched back to a sensual voice,  _'"The sample can only survive in a woman's reproductive system and can only be released by org-"'_

'NOIRE! SHUT! THE HELL! UP!' Blake yelled out in her mind as she blushed furiously. Weiss wondered why Blake was blushing so she guess since she was a ghost she would be able to see what's going on in the Faunus' mind. Without Blake noticing, she touched the back of her head and suddenly, a rush of images flooded her mind. When she reviewed them, it caused her to blush madly,

'Holy shit… has Blake always been that dirty!? I mean, I've seen that Ninja of Love book but WOW!' Weiss thought as she looked at the cat girl, 'And did I hear a second voice in there?'

 **Caboose** : I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen. I would have remembered that part.

"I doubt he would even remember his own age." Blake muttered before looking at the blushing ghost, 'What's her problem?'

' _Maybe she's seen too many things.'_

 **Andy** : Aw come on, you're surprised he's sick? I've never seen the guy wash his hands, not once! One time I saw him pick his nose at the pay phone.

"One, I don't think there would be a sink and hand sanitizer in the middle of the desert and don't get me started on the swamp. Two, picking your nose doesn't mean you get sick and start bashing heads in. And Three, ew." Yang said.

 **Church** : I'm just worried, man, who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know Caboose could be next. Wake up tomorrow morning he's throwin' up, runnin' a huge fever, next thing you know he's bleeding out of his eyes 'cause his internal organs are liquefying. And I'm gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death. That's not gonna be any fun.

"I like Church now." Ruby muttered quietly, 'It's almost like we share the same mind. Almost. That goes to Weiss.' she thought.

 **Caboose** : I'm gonna go take a vitamin.

 **Church** : Oh don't bother, it's too late for you anyway. We need to start thinking about me.

"Isn't Church a robot? He can't get sick, you know." Blake pointed out,

"And how does he vomit? Unless it's motor oil I don't think robots puke." Weiss added in.

 **Andy** : Tell ya what. Send me in, and I'll run clean-up. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything.

 **Church** : Andy, I am not letting you blow up the base.

 **Andy** : Comon, just a little explosion! Five, ten megatons tops. Aya all your scary germs will be gone. Nothin' left but the cockroaches! Germ free cockroaches.

"And a big fat crater where Blood Gulch used to be. You can't forget the crater." Yang said,

"But in the end, it'll still be Blood Gulch. More suckish than ever." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : But then Tucker will be dead too.

"And so will everyone else, as their guts will spill all around the crater where it will fossilize and make the people of the future think they were cave men there before they died a magnificent explosion." Ruby said as the others shifted away.

 **Andy** : See? It's the perfect plan!

 **Church** : No, but that does give me a good idea. Technically, you can't get sick. So why don't we send you in there to take care of Tucker, you can figure out what's wrong and report back to us.

"There's only one problem." Yang spoke up, "HE HAS NO ARMS! Well, most of the time."

"Wait, huh?" Weiss said in a confused tone, "What do you mean?"

"I mean he doesn't have arms unless he's armed." Yang punned. RWB looked at each other before Ruby pulled out the fruit bazooka. After a few minutes of fruity hell, they continued watching.

 **Andy** : I ain't no nurse. I go in there, all you're gonna get, is an explosion. You want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor.

 **Church** : What did you just say?

 **Andy** : I said you don't need me. Ya need a doctor.

 **Caboose** : Please don't do it.

_At an evil lair, somewhere nearby..._

_The sound of a phone ringing_

**O'Malley** : For the love of evil, someone get the phone!

 **Lopez** : Why don't you get it?

"Oh my God, he's actually alive!?" Yang exclaimed, thinking the Alien killed the A.I,

"And when did he get the evil lair?" Blake muttered to herself as Ruby laughed demonically,

"Yes, invite your worst enemy into your base. That would make it easier for him to-"

"Let me guess," Weiss snapped, interrupting her partner, "Kill them in their sleep? Rip off their testicles and make them force-feed each other's balls? Cut open their stomachs and rip out their organs?" Weiss was on a roll now as her tone got harsher with each word, "Decapitation? Flying limbs? Squished eyeballs!? Pain!? TOUTURE!? FOR FUCK SAKE, WE GET IT RUBY! YOU LIKE DARK AND DISGUSTING THINGS TO HAPPEN TO PEOPLE! SHUT UP ABOUT IT, YOU CREEPY LITTLE BITCH AND ENJOY THE SHOW!" Weiss yelled out as her ghost grew to a monstrous size, her ghost scar glowing and her eyes going red. After her rant, she saw Ruby shivering, causing her to return to normal. She went up to Ruby and saw her close to crying tears. Not bloody tears. Actually, human tears,

"I-I was gonna say wreak their stuff…" Ruby muttered quietly. Weiss felt bad so she decided to hug Ruby. To her surprise, she hugged back. After a few awkward moments, Weiss was going to let go, but Ruby wouldn't. Instead, she leaned into Weiss ear,

"You were enjoying the show?" Ruby whispered before letting go and smirking with a teasing look in her blank, white eyes. Weiss looked and saw that Blake and Yang weren't commenting on her outburst, thus confirming they didn't hear something she would never admit out loud, but accepted with all her heart.

She liked Red vs Blue (AN: From aceman88!).

 **O'Malley** : You fool! Can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot? What do I pay you for?

 **Lopez** : To clean up after all your failed plots.

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up you fool. You don't even have a body.

 **Lopez** : Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.

"Snarky, aren't we Lopez." Weiss said as she smiled a little, "I can't blame you. Super villains generally suck at plots. And it's always the heroes that save the day."

"What? Are you saying the Reds and Blues are heroes?" Yang asked, causing Weiss to blush a little,

"Well, it's either them or some asshole in spandex."

"Aren't the Reds and Blues technically wearing spandex under their armour?"

"I don't think so…" Blake spoke up, "But I wouldn't be surprised if Donut was." Weiss giggled a little, imagining the scene,

"Me too."

 **Doc** : Why all this bickering? Can't we all just get along?

 **O'Malley** : And answer the damn phone!

 **Lopez** : Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?

 **O'Malley** : I find you far too sarcastic for just a head.

"Well, that episode's done." Yang said as they set up for the next episode, "Hey, you know that rant about dark shit reminded me of Halloween."

"Don't talk about it." Weiss quickly said as she groaned. You see, Ruby & Weiss were sort of angry at each other and for revenge they wanted the other to wear a costume they both made each other. Now, at this point in the year Ruby & Weiss had a system. When they wanted to resolve a fight, they would bet something and decide on a competition decided by Yang or Blake. Too bad they were going to a Halloween party (without Blake since she hated the costume Yang picked out) in a few minutes so they decided to do a coin flip, with Yang as the commissioner.

They both lost.

Three times.

On a double-headed coin.

And both girls said heads.

And so for Halloween that year, after many death threats and "convincing" from Yang, Ruby went as a knight with a diaper, bib and a pacifier, Weiss as a frilly French Maid Princess and Yang as Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy. Ruby & Weiss' costumes were surprisingly comfortable, embarrassment aside. At the party, Ruby got teased about being a 'knight in baby armour, Yang's maternal instincts kicked in and beat the crap out of the people who did, but not without taking photos of her sister because they looked cute as well as potential blackmail material. Luckily, Ruby had a helmet and Weiss wore a mask so no one knew outside of RWBY who were in those costumes, except for that one poor Beacon Student who saw Weiss take off her mask and she had to threaten to castrate him if he told anyone about her get up. Weiss groaned as she remembered another part.

(Flashback!)

"I will PAY you not to show that photo to ANYONE!" Weiss begged as she looked at the photo depicting her doing some very indecent while under the influence. Yang grinned as she raised an eyebrow, "Just don't show it Ruby especially."

"How much money we talkin'?"

(Flashback End!)

For some reason, Noire knew what happened that night and decided to save it a special occasion, like the one coming on a later date. Anyway, when they were ready Weiss took over Yang's body and pressed play on the remote before exiting it, 'New trick.' Weiss thought as she heard the catchy theme of Red vs Blue.

( **Right To Remain Silenced)**

_Fade in to Red Base_

**Simmons** : Sarge, finally, I need to tell you what the Blues are planning.

 **Sarge** : I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!

"What a great greeting to the worst double agent ever." Blake muttered,

"Of all time." Weiss added in, "FUCK!"

 **Simmons** : Good to see you too Sir.

 **Grif** : We didn't let him in the base.

"He let himself in, because he's arrogant like that." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : He's standing right here.

 **Grif** : Well obviously he penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Donut established.

' _Hehe, "penetrated". Such a Donut like thing.'_

'Oh for the love of all Faunus…' Blake thought she rubbed her temples.

 **Simmons** : Defense protocol? You asked me what the password was.

 **Grif** : And you knew it.

 **Simmons** : I guessed it. By the way, the password was 'password.'

 **Grif** : It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess!

"Another horrible use of passwords brought to you by Red Team." Yang said in a voice that sounded like she was in a commercial,

"No, you got that wrong." Weiss spoke up, "It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess it wrong."

 **Sarge** : Diabolical.

 **Simmons** : A password should contain at least one number, and one letter. For example, your password would be "2dumb2live".

"BURNED! AND IT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE THIS TIME!" Yang exclaimed,

"That last one made sense if you're into politics." Blake pointed out,

"Politics, shamalitics. Who the fuck cares about that shit? We're Huntresses! We don't need to worry about that."

"Well, they're considering a policy for all Huntresses to cut their hair short." Blake lied. She smirked as Yang started brushing her hair,

"Uh… maybe politics aren't that dumb." Yang said as she shush her hair, creeping Weiss and Blake out, "But if they fuck up, I'm destroying everything they own." Blake was about to point out that the government technically owned Beacon and Signal but decided against it, fearing that somehow it would drive Yang insane.

 **Sarge** : Excellent burn.

 **Simmons** : Thank you Sir.

"Wait for it." Weiss quickly said.

 **Sarge** : Traitor.

 **Simmons** : Dammit.

"There you go." Weiss then shifted a little, "Wow, it kinda feels weird when it's Simmons instead of Grif."

 **Sarge** : Grif's stupidity aside, I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason.

 **Simmons** : How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the Blues?

 **Sarge** : No! We have to have a trial. Right here, right now.

"A trial? Seriously?" Blake said flatly, "What."

"Prepare the guillotine and slice Simmons' head off." Ruby muttered quietly, "And may his body be hanged, drawn and quartered."

 **Simmons** : What? We don't even have a judge.

 **Sarge** : Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.

"What!?" Yang exclaimed, "Okay, there's gotta be a catch, right? Because the person who made Sarge a judge should be put on trial for violation of the Basics of Human Rights."

"There was never any Faunus Rights though…" Blake muttered angrily.

 **Grif** : What level? Municipal? Federal?

 **Sarge** : Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed.

"…No words. J-Just," Then Weiss face palmed. She may like the show now but she couldn't help it. It was just too stupid. Funny, but stupid.

 **Simmons** : I don't recognize the authority of this court.

 **Sarge** : No-one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

 **Simmons** : But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?

 **Sarge** : Nonsense! Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources.

"I do not want to know what Sarge did to any of those 'guilty' animals." Yang said with a grimace,

' _I got a pretty good guess, Yin-Yang._ '

'Oh, now  _you're_  making up nicknames? Yang was bad enough with her puns…' Blake thought with a groan,

' _Well Pussy, expect a lot more from me.'_ Noire said. While Blake groaned, Noire started thinking, ' _Ugh! She isn't annoyed enough. Don't tell me I have to use my last resort… God, this is going to suck.'_

 **Simmons** : But I'm not guilty until you hold trial and convict me.

 **Sarge** : So you admit it's a foregone conclusion!

 **Simmons** : No- wait, I mean no- yes-no, that was right, I think.

"Okay… yep, there's the migraine." Weiss said as she groaned, "This is what I get for listening to Sarge's logic."

 **Grif** : Okay, this is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court. Permission to sigh and walk away Sir?

 **Sarge** : Permission denied.

"I have to admit if I was Grif I would ask that too." Yang admitted.

 **Sarge:** If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him!

 **Simmons** : Whowowowhoa wait a second, I prefer to defend myself.

 **Sarge** : I knew you'd say that, and as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself, has a fool for a lawyer. And that fool is Grif.

 **Grif** : Who's the prosecution?

 **Sarge** : Why I am of course.

"What is he next? The jury?" Blake asked rhetorically,

"No he wouldn't." Weiss scoffed, "Why waste even more resources on other people's opinion when you have a 'higher power' right there."

 **Simmons** : You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest.

 **Sarge** : I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection.

"This might be the dumbest trial ever." Blake said as she crossed her arms, "Of all freaking time." Ruby looked at Blake as soon as she said that. Blake flinched, thinking that Ruby was angry at her,

"Weiss still does it better." Ruby simply said as she turned back to the screen, allowing the Faunus to let out the breath she didn't know she held in.

 **Grif** : Uh, we'd like to enter a plea.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Grif** : Look it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.

 **Sarge** : I'm listening.

"Okay, you know it's bad when Sarge is listening to Grif." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

"There has to be a rule that prevents people bringing clothes like that." Blake muttered as she blushed at the image of Donut in short shorts,

"You know, I can picture him like he was a ratchet cop." Yang said off-handily,

"Wait, isn't a ratchet a tool?" Weiss asked,

"No." Ruby surprisingly answered, "A ratchet is a diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every man's eye candy. Unfortunately, she's wrong and actually an overweight bitch with 4th grade education."

"How do you know this?" Yang asked, surprised at Ruby's knowledge,

"I met one." Ruby simply answered, "I think she's still in the hospital…" The others looked at each other and decided to leave that incident alone.

 **Simmons** : Uhh, Officer Hot-pants.

 **Grif** : Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake_

"Cake…" Ruby said as she drooled. She then got an idea and rushed off into the kitchen. Yang quickly paused the video and waited for their leader. When she returned, they un-paused it, not even bothering to ask what she did.

They would later regret that decision.

 **Simmons** : Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

 **Grif** : Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

' _Ah… the classic "Man in a Cake". You just can't beat it. Especially when baby oil is involved.'_

'I swear to God Noire, next time I'm in my mindscape I will lynch you so fast it ain't even funny.'

' _Only one problem. I WILL NEVER DIE!'_ Noire then started laughing evilly before hacking up a hair ball.

_Cut back to Law & Order: Red Edition_

**Sarge** : Hrh, okay. We'll commute Simmons' sentence in favour of time served.

 **Grif** : With time off for good behavior.

"Well, that was unnaturally friendly." Yang said,

"They really don't want Officer Hot-Pants, do they?" Weiss muttered,

' _I know who does.'_

'Ugh…'

 **Sarge** : No-one wants a messy trial.

 **Grif** : I also think he should pay a hefty fine, which we can split.

 **Sarge** : Agreed.

 **Simmons** : But I didn't do anything.

"Well apart from knocking out your C.O, firing at your own team with a tank, helping the enemy in some ways and switching teams because you were throwing a big fat tantrum. Do we need to go on?" Weiss said with a small smile on her face, imagining if she actually told that to Simmons. His face would be priceless, even though she has never seen a human face yet. Only robots and helmets.

 **Grif** : You just keep your mouth shut. And don't talk to the Press.

 **Donut** : Hey, what's goin' on in there?

 **Sarge, Grif and Simmons** : Nothing!

_Cut and pan down to O'Malley doing his thing_

**O'Malley** : Huhahahahahaah, now be careful. Don't give away our position with maniacal laughing. We don't know what to expect from these fools.

"Except failure, hypocrisy, stupidity and overall asshole-ish behavior from both sides of the conflict." Blake muttered.

 **O'Malley:** This could all be an elaborate trap! And we don't want to be caught off-guard.

 **Doc** : You mean get caught in a trap before we have a chance to spring our trap.

 **O'Malley** : Precisely you fool, now shut up. At least we have a lookout. Lopez! What do you see up there?

 **Lopez** : Nothing much. Just like always. Man, this place sucks.

"Blood Gulch sucks in general. Seriously, why do they even bother to put bases there!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Well, not all places have to be paradises in war." Blake pointed out, "And even if they were, it would be ruined in a week, two weeks tops."

 **O'Malley** : I haven't been here in some time, which one is the Blue Base?

 **Doc** : It's the Blue one.

 **O'Malley** : Hou yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design. Hmm, it's quiet, too quiet.

_A sniper shot rings by O'Malley's head_

"Is that loud enough for ya, O'Malley?" Yang said smugly with a small smirk.

 **O'Malley** : Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

 **Church** : Alright hold it right there!

 **Lopez** : I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

"When did Sarge install a Snark Feature in Lopez?" Weiss asked rhetorically,

"He didn't install it, Lopez developed it all by himself." Yang answered,

"I was being rhetorical."

"I know, I just wanted to answer."

 **O'Malley** : Yes I see that, thank you for keeping us informed, you moron.

 **Church** : Yeah that was just a warning shot O'Malley. You make any funny moves, the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your visor.

 **Caboose** : You think you can make that shot from here?

"Oh fuck no." The RWBYs said in unison.

 **Church** : Uh, probably not, I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God I think somebody fucks with the sights on this thing when I'm not lookin'.

"No, you just suck." Ruby said, "You're a shame to all snipers everywhere and you should be sent to a firing line to make amends of breaking the most important commandment that all Snipers follow."

"Which is…" Weiss couldn't help but ask,

"Don't miss."

 **O'Malley** : I knew it! This was just some elaborate scheme to lure us in to an ambush!

 **Church** : First of all, I don't know if calling you on the phone and inviting you over? I don't know if that qualifies as an elaborate scheme. And secondly, we're not ambushing you. We just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit.

 **O'Malley** : I'm not very big on rules, you know.

"You're not very big on actually being evil." Blake muttered.

 **Doc** : It's true! We had this system back at the evil lair where we each clean on different days, but I always end up doing it!

"That's because you're sharing the same body." Weiss pointed out.

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up!

 **Doc** : And he always leaves the milk out!

 **O'Malley** : You fool! Be quiet.

 **Doc** : And don't even get me started on the phone bill.

 **Church** : Hey Doc, I see you're still swimmin' around in that head somewhere too.

 **Doc** : Well it's not the ideal situation, but any relationship requires work if you-

 **O'Malley** : You fool! This isn't a relationship; I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans. When we're done, I'm going to throw your rotting carcass in to a swamp, and let the beasts feed on your entrails, huhuhuhuhahahahaa.

"Okay, seriously is it 'Copy Creepy Ruby Day' today?" Yang asked, "Because if I hear another description of a gory scene, I'll vomit."

"Don't worry Yang; my cupcakes will make you feel better." Ruby said, causing a lot of raised eyebrows,

"When did you,"

"When I was out."

"Okay…" Yang then started whispering into Blake's ear, "We did get rid of all the sugar in the school, right?"

"I'm sure we did." Blake answered, not knowing Ruby kept a sugar cane farm hidden somewhere in Beacon, as well as fruit farm just used for throwing fruit at Yang.

 **Doc** : I love you too buddy.

 **O'Malley** : Oh shut up.

 **Church** : Well don't get any bright ideas about jumping in to anyone else today, O'Malley. We've all got our radios off, and we've all got our minds cleared. We're not thinking about anything. For some of us that was easier than others.

"Let me guess. He's blue, like's team-killing and he's a big idiot." Yang said,

"Hey, Caboose hasn't killed Church in a few seasons. And he doesn't like team-killing, he just does it accidently or he doesn't know better!" Weiss retorted,

"You're defending Caboose?" Blake asked in disbelief,

"Well, apart from his stupidity, he's the nicest person in the canyon next to Donut." Weiss then blushed a little, "And… he's kinda my favourite character." Weiss mumbled out the last part, but Yang clearly saw what on Weiss' face on what she just said,

"Fangirl~" Yang sang out, only to be surprised to see the Heiress not even paying attention to what she just said. Instead, she was focusing on the TV. None of them saw Ruby looking at Weiss as she the ghost crossed her arms and got as comfortable as a ghost could get.

 **Caboose** : I just finished thinking about something, and didn't start thinking about anything else.

 **Church** : So here's how this is gonna work: You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Tucker, you're gonna tell us what's wrong, and then you're gonna leave.

"Which is a horrible idea since I'm guessing Tucker's illness isn't normal and would take a doctor to cure him, and Doc is the closest thing they could get to a doctor." Blake stated.

 **O'Malley** : Hmm, and what do we get?

 **Church** : Whaddaya want. And I should warn you, Tex is not here. So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother.

 **Doc** : Well a standard physical usually requires a twenty dollar co-pay. Hey, ask him what kind of health insurance plan they have.

"Shouldn't Command cover that?" Yang pointed out,

"Command is full of idiots. I don't think they would cover a small fee." Weiss muttered, "Cheap bastards."

 **O'Malley** : You fool, let me negotiate. We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is, until we need it! Huhuhuhuahahahaha.

 **Church** : No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is!

 **O'Malley** : Huhuhuhuhuhuh, oh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering, if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening. What I want is something pure evil, aaahahahahahahahahaaa! I'm also being told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.

"I don't know… what O'Malley might ask for maybe to get Tex so he can possess her, which is really bad." Blake said,

"Then again, Tex could easily kick their asses and probably kill them for betraying her." Yang pointed out, "Even though she would in an instant if someone had the cash."

 **Church** : Alright, fine.

 **O'Malley** : Hah, huhaha you fool, and we want the twenty dollars up front!

"You evil, evil bastard." Blake said sarcastically.

 **Church** : Fine!

 **O'Malley** : And in cash...

 **Church** : Oh whatever!

 **O'Malley** : Ah you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles! Or at least a thirty day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools!

"You evil financial bastard!" Yang exclaimed, "Fuck you O'Malley!" Weiss just stared at her,

"Seriously Yang?"

"What? They would've saved about 5 bucks!"

"I-I-I, I'll just shut up now and regret later."

 **Church** : Caboose, give me twenty dollars. Wait, give me thirty dollars.

"Thirty bucks!?" Yang exclaimed, "Fuck. That. If it was me it would be 50, 60 tops!"

"Stop being greedy Yang." Blake said as she picked up the remote, "We have plenty of Lien on us."

"Yeah, I know but it wouldn't hurt to have a few more." 'And maybe save up for certain vehicles.' Yang mentally added in. Blake raised an eyebrow before shrugging and pressing play.

**(Things Are Looking Down)**

_Fade in to Sarge leading Simmons and Grif across the Gulch at what could almost be called a run_

**Sarge** : Come on, double time men! That goes double for you, Grif.

"Wouldn't that mean quadruple time?" Yang pointed out,

"With Grif's implied weight, it should triple double time." Weiss said.

 **Grif** : Why are we always double timing, anyway? Can't we ever half-time? Or how 'bout no time?

 **Sarge** : No, numbnuts. According to Simmons, the Blues have already re-established contact with their Command.

"It's the same Command. The whole Red vs Blue War is pointless." Weiss muttered, "It's like Command doesn't want either side to win at this rate."

 **Grif** : What? That's why we're running?

 **Sarge** : Of course. By now they could be receiving reinforcements. Or taking advantage of some new technological weapons development.

"And like all problems, the best way to solve it is to run the hell away from it." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Or maybe their Command has been giving them the same generic orders ours always gives us like, "Try to win" and, "Do better than you're currently doing." I swear, sometimes I think they don't even know our names.

"'Try to win'? 'Do better'? They're not even trying to sound convincing." Blake said, "They should've at least give them tactics they knew that wouldn't work."

 **Sarge** : That's just what I wanted you to hear. The conversations I had with Command always provided vital intelligence.

 **Grif** : Like what?

 **Sarge** : Like the location of the Blue base.

 **Grif** : Right there.

"On the other side of the canyon." Yang added in.

 **Sarge** : And the number of soldiers they have.

 **Grif** : Three.

"Plus a bomb that could kill everyone with a click of a detonator, a medic who dropped out of med school and killed more than he save (which was none) with an A.I that's trying to be the worst villain ever and succeeding with flying colours." Weiss said, "Wow, the Blue are getting more action than the Reds."

"What do you expect?" Ruby asked, "They've got an idiot who can rip their spines out by accident, a perv whose sword can unlock death itself and an angry man possessing a robot. It's safe to say the Blues aren't catching a break any time soon."

 **Sarge** : Also, the location of the base.

 **Grif** : Auh, you already said that one.

 **Sarge** : I meant our base.

"Wow. Just wow." Blake muttered as she rubbed her temples,

"Considering they have people like Donut, I'm not surprised." Weiss commented.

 **Simmons** : Weren't we the ones that provided them the Intel in the first place?

 **Sarge** : Initially, yes. But Command processes our raw data and gives us back the key details.

"Key details? The whole point of gathering Intel is give people information they don't know. 'Key details' should've been packaged along with the 'Raw data' which should already hold onto those details." Blake said, "This Command is completely useless. It's better for the Reds and/or the Blues to just keep the information themselves and fill in any holes they don't know by themselves."

' _Hehe, you don't mind filling those holes for them, don't you?'_

'Real mature there, Noire.'

 **Sarge:** You may recall they sent us plans of the next phase of the war. They were stored in Lopez before he was kidnapped.

"Kinda forgot why the Reds were doing all if that to get a robot's head that hates them with a passion." Yang admitted.

 **Grif** : You mean before he ran away.

 **Sarge** : No, I mean shut up, Grif.

 **Simmons** : But how do we even know he still has the plans? Last time we saw him, all that was left was a head. Maybe he stored the files in his legs, or his chest.

"If I remember correctly, all information should stored in the head of a robot because it's smaller and harder to hit. If it was anywhere else and it was during a war situation, it's more likely for soldiers to aim for the torso rather than the head because it's a bigger target." Weiss said, causing the others to look at her weirdly, "Stupid Schnee Scientist." She mumbled.

 **Sarge** : You idiot, who stores memories in their chest? Don't you know anything 'bout biology? The chest is strictly reserved for digestion.

"Unless you're in the Kingdom Hearts universe." Yang said, "Where everything is stored in the heart."

 **Grif** : Maybe they'll send us more reinforcements like last time. Donut's arrival was a real turning point in the offensive.

"It only gave them a one guy advantage, and he didn't do much." Weiss said, 'Well, apart from almost dying a few times and being funny in his own weird way.'

 **Sarge** : Where is Donut?

 **Simmons** : There he is. Looks like he's talking to something.

 **Sarge** : Looks like a rock. Grif!

 **Grif** : What.

 **Sarge** : I need information on that rock, ASAP! Approach the target via flanking maneuver and establish defelade at that ledge, Point Alpha!

"It means walking to the cliff and seeing why Donut is talking to a rock." Blake said before she sighed, "I guess Blood Gulch is affecting Donut now."

 **Grif** : Or I could just look through the scope of the sniper rifle since that's worked the last eight hundred times.

 **Sarge** : Yeah alright fine, take all the fun out of it.

_Grif looks through the scope and sees Donut talking to Lopez_

**Sarge** : I like my way better. It was more dangerous for you.

"Donut is talking to Lopez, I don't think it would that dangerous." Weiss muttered,

"Except if Grif falls off the cliff, snaps his neck and dies as an orange, twitching pile of flesh." Ruby pointed out, "Then his body will decay in the sun as it loses body mass and eventually leave nothing but a stain in the dirt behind."

 **Grif** : Sarge, I have great news. Looks like you're gonna get your plans after all. And I'm not gonna have to do any more running. So everybody wins.

 **Simmons** : What about me? I didn't win anything.

"All he won was debt and the distrust of his commanding officer." Yang said as she ate the last of the nachos.

 **Grif** : Oh don't worry about it, I'm sure there'll be somebody's ass you can kiss.

_Cut to Church and Doc on Blue Base looking down at the camera._

**Church** : Andy this is Doc, Doc this is Andy. Uh Andy, Doc is uh he's here to help Tucker. And he's also our worst enemy. You know- besides the Reds. And, Tex on, certain days.

"Which is practically every day." Ruby muttered bitterly, "So glad she's gone."

"For now." Weiss & Yang said at the same time.

 **O'Malley** : Well thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball... hello bowling ball.

 **Andy** : Actually, I'm a bomb.

 **O'Malley** : It can talk?

 **Andy** : Why is that the first thing everybody says to me?

"Well, it isn't exactly normal meeting a talking, translating bomb." Blake said,

"Especially when he was specifically designed to blow up and kill you." Weiss added in.

 **O'Malley** : A talking bomb, you say... Hmm I could use a fellow like you in my organization.

 **Church** : Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

"Well, shit." Weiss muttered.

 **O'Malley** : I see... Well this is certainly awkward.

 **Andy** : KABOOM!

 **O'Malley** : Satan's bunyon!

 **Andy** : Hah hah hah hah, heh, I was just kidding. I didn't really explode. Hahahahaha.

 **Church** : Heh heh, good one.

The RWBYs giggled a bit at that part, admitting it was a pretty good joke, before regaining their composure.

 **O'Malley** : Yes, highly amusing.

_Cut back to the Reds, who seem to have caught up with Donut and Lopez. Shouldn't be hard, since those two weren't moving. I mean come on, one doesn't even have a body!_

**Sarge** : Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

 **Donut** : Right here.

 **Simmons** : How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

 **Lopez** : No.

 **Grif** : Well if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

Blake sighed as she face palmed, "Spanish for 'No' is 'No'. Actually, many languages say 'No' for 'No'. I don't even think 'No' was originally an English word."

"Good to know." Yang muttered, before getting hit by a pear, "OH SON OF A BITCH!"

"It was a pun." Ruby simply said as she sat back down.

 **Donut** : I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

"No, it takes years and years to learn just one! 4 years is too short, let alone 4th grade knowledge about it." Blake said,

"Wait… you said it would take years to learn a language, right?" Yang asked. Blake nodded in response, "Then how do you know nine different languages?"

"That's easy. It's bec-" Blake then paused as she realized something, "Um… well, uh… I kinda… don't remember." Weiss took over Yang's body and paused the episode before becoming a ghost again,

"Hold on. You said you can speak 9 different languages, six of which we have never heard of." Blake nodded, "And it would take many years, years that you have yet to experience, to just learn one." Again, Blake nodded, "And now you're telling us that you don't remember how you learn all of that in a matter of 17 to 18 years." Once again, Blake nodded, "How the fuck does that work?"

" _Because God was bored._ " Blake said before shaking her head. The others looked at each, wondering why the Faunus said that but decided to leave for a later date.

 **Sarge** : What've you two been talkin' about?

 **Donut** : Oh, the usual Spanish faire. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

"And that's the proper way to speak to some in Spanish." Ruby said sarcastically, "Now, the question is: How to say 'Where's a furnace' in Spanish…" With that said, the girls moved away from the creepy girl.

 **Lopez** : Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

 **Sarge** : Ask him where he's been, no- ask him where he's going, wait- ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

"Aw…" Yang said, "He didn't miss you, he was happy he was away from you idiot ever since he started speaking."

 **Donut** : ¿Lopez, que es el tiempo? Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo quiere jugar a tenis. Yo comido un lápiz. Adios!

 **Caption** : Lopez, do you know what time it is? I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis. I ate a pencil.

 **Lopez** : ...

"It was… going well I guess, up until the last part." Weiss mumbled while Blake was left speechless at Donut's Spanish Skills.

 **Donut** : Hmm, looks like he's not talkin' Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Allrright he wants to play tough, uh? I built in override codes for just such an event. Lopez! Give me root access, priority Delta One!

 **Lopez** : Priority Access requested. Please state the Access Code.

 **Sarge** : The Access Code is... access code.

"…" (Ruby plus creepy staring)

"Oh fuck's sake." (Weiss plus face palm)

"Very creative." (Blake plus eye roll)

"What." (Yang plus disbelief)

"I saw that coming." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons** : Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me.

 **Sarge** : Ah, bitch about it later.

 **Lopez** : Access Code accepted. Greetings Sarge, would you like to play a...

 **Sarge** : Lopez, replay the Intel message from Command.

 **Lopez** : OK.

 **Grif** : See, OK now I'm telling you this guy's faking.

"Oh for the love of Dust…" Blake groaned.

 **Vic** : Hola, hola. ¿Eses tú escuchar mí? Hola.

 **Caption** : Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Hello.

"Ah shit!" The RWBYs exclaimed,

"The fuck!? How is the entire recording in Spanish!?" Yang yelled out, "Fucking Hell, doesn't even make sense!"

"Sarge can always somehow fuck something up." Weiss muttered, "Next thing you know, he somehow screws up making a sandwich." Blake couldn't help but shiver, remembering particular incident during the school year.

Okay, she had a 'small' brain fart and, against all logic and reason, made a sandwich so bad they had to evacuate Beacon. And don't get her started when Weiss' Dust supply landed on the sandwich while everyone was running away. Things did not go well that week.

 **Vic** : Hola hombres de Gulch Sangrosa, gracias por la información, muy provechosa.

 **Caption** : Hey Blood Gulch Dudes, thanks for the information, very helpful.

 **Grif** : Oh come on, the recording is in Spanish? That doesn't even make any sense!

 **Simmons** : This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to, Vic Junior. I'll bet his kids changed sides.

"Or they never left." Blake muttered.

 **Vic** : _(continuing in Spanish)_ After analyzing the data you provided...

 **Sarge** : Eggs Benedict Arnold, those dirty traitors. No offense Simmons.

 **Simmons** : None taken Sir.

"Wait for it." Weiss said as she held her hand up.

 **Sarge** : Traitor.

 **Simmons** : God dammit.

"There we go." Weiss then shivered, "Yep, still weird."

 **Vic** : ...we have calculated a fool-proof plan for winning the war.

"Which takes fools to execute." Yang said.

 **Donut** : Wait, how does Vic have kids? I thought he had a vasectomy.

_Everyone looks at Donut, and even the recording pauses_

There was pause as Yang paused the episode. It was quiet in the dorm for a few minutes, "…FINALLY!" The RWBYs cheered in joy,

"LOGIC! PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS LOGIC!" Weiss exclaimed happily as she hugged Blake, with Blake hugging the ghost in return, while crying tears of joy. After a few minutes of cheering, they went back to watching.

 **Donut** : Well that's just what I heard.

"And that's why we believe you!" Yang exclaimed happily, "Hooray for Donut!"

"I'm so glad I'm baking cupcakes." Ruby muttered before dashing off to go check on them before returning back to her spot.

 **Vic** : Here are your orders: eliminate the enemy. Good luck.

And once again after pausing the video, silence fell upon the room, with only one noise, "What."

"And… there goes the happiness." Yang said as the girls groaned.

 **Sarge** : We've got to figure out what he's saying. Donut, can you translate or can't you?

 **Donut** : Uh I think he's saying something about losing his passport.

 **Simmons** : Well, when I was in Blue Base Church mentioned they built a translation device out of an old bomb.

"That could still explode in your face at any moment." Weiss added in.

 **Sarge** : E-Gads, no doubt to decipher their plans to destroy us! If we don't translate the tactical plans Lopez is saying, we're all doomed!

"Okay, I can see where this is going. They need Andy to translate their useless plans so they need to steal him, but I can think of a better use for him. If they manage to grab Andy, they could easily hack into him and set him off right inside Blue Base." Blake pointed out.

 **Vic** : Also, try to do better and please win.

"Which is  _way_  more effective than what Command is giving them." Yang finished.

 **Vic** : See ya.

 **Sarge** : That information could save our very lives!

"Or get you kill! I prefer my option and let it blow you into red mists!" Ruby called out

 **Simmons** : Why don't we sneak in to Blue Base, grab the translation device, and use it on our message?

 **Sarge** : I agree.

 **Grif** : Let me get this straight: We're going to steal a bomb from our enemies - a bomb that can be remotely detonated I might add - and then we're gonna bring it back to our base, and all huddle around it. What a great plan.

 **Simmons** : Well sure, it sounds stupid when you say it like that.

"That's because it is stupid!" Yang said, "It's so stupid in so many ways that you need the most powerful calculator in the entire universe to even list half of the mistake they're making! No, a fucking quarter!"

"Yang, you need to calm the fuck down!" Blake exclaimed, "My God, you keep getting too worked up over nothing…" Yang scoffed,

"No I don't!" Yang retorted childishly,

"Oh really?" Weiss asked, "Remember that time we went to Burger Queen?"

(Flashback!)

The doors busted open as a very angry, red eyed and very-much-on-fire Yang stormed into the fast-food restaurant with a half eaten burger in her hands. As she approached the counter, the employees had to grab fire extinguishers as Yang had set fire to a soda machine. The part where it keeps the ice to be exact. The woman at the counter was having a boring day so far until the blonde came and started setting crap on fire. Now, she now feared for her life as the Brawler walked towards her. She could see the three other girls she came with chasing after before arriving at the door, tired as hell, "Yang! Don't do this!" Ruby begged loudly, "He has so much to live for! Or is it a she? I don't know who but YANG, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yang, restrain yourself!" Weiss yelled out, "It's only a burger!"

"Don't even bother." Blake said flatly, "She did this back at PRG (AN: I want guesses on what that stands for."

"But we have to try!" Ruby said as she pulled out Crescent Rose, "At all costs."

"Ruby, look at the sign." Weiss said. Ruby looked at where Weiss was pointing and saw a sign with a silhouette of her scythe with a cross through it, saying:

_We have experienced some difficulties so please no Scythes, Sniper Rifles, Rapiers, Dust, Chain Scythes, Dual Katanas, Bladed Sheaths, Red Cloaks, members of the Schnee family, Cats and those without drivers license for motorcycles in the store please. This is temporary. Have a nice day! :)_

"Why do you think we all ate outside?" Weiss asked rhetorically, "Or had Yang do our orders?"

"Or why they borrowed Crescent Rose from you a few minutes ago to do that sign?" Blake added in,

"Oh yeah…" Ruby muttered before yelling out a battle cry and charging at the door, only to be shocked by an invisible barrier, "S-S-So th-th-th-that's wh-wh-wh-wh-why." She said as she twitched around uncontrollably,

"We tried to warn you." Weiss said as used a little bit of special Dust to un-paralyze Ruby, "Now, where were we?" It took them a good few seconds before they remembered what they were doing,

"YANG, NO!"

"WHO MADE THIS SHIT!?" Yang yelled out as she slammed the burger onto the counter, causing the woman behind it to cower in fear, "WHO! MADE! THIS! SHIT!" Yang yelled again, as she slammed her fists on the counter in time with each word. The woman behind the counter was hiding under it now as she winced at every slam she did to the counter. She knew she was going to get fired unless she somehow drove the crazy chick away from the restaurant so she grabbed the receipt attached to the burger and read it,

"Who did Order 013?" She mouthed out to the other employees. One guy raised his hand. He looked like a total wimp, with a pizza for a face and wearing braces. 2 seconds later, he was pushed to the counter. He cursed under his breath before facing Yang,

"H-How m-m-m-may I-I h-h-h-h-help y-y-you?" He stuttered out, fearing for his life. Yang grabbed his uniform and gripped it tightly,

"Did you make this burger?" Yang growled as the guy started to sweat. He nodded in fear and waited for the on-coming pain. But it never arrived. Instead, he got a kiss on the cheek, "This is actually pretty good. Do you mind making my burger every time I'm here?" She asked sweetly. He nodded as the blonde let go, "Thank you." She then left the Burger Queen, before coming back and grabbing her burger,

"I think I'm in love." The wimpy dude said as he stared at the blonde,

"Dude, you don't have a chance." A guy with his black hoodie up told the wimp as he ate some fries, "She also has a crazy sister so don't even bother." The employee looked at the guy,

"Who the hell are you?" The guy in the hoodie just looked at him and shrugged,

"Just some guy who got bored."

(Flashback End!)

"And this is why you're banned from entering any Burger Queen for the next 12 years." Weiss finished off the story,

"At least the guy became the manager of the place." Yang said before drooling, "My God, his burgers are good." The girls looked at each other before going back to the episode (AN: From reven228!).

 **Sarge** : Go on, let's move. Somebody grab Lopez's cabeza.

 **Donut** : Of course.

 **Sarge** : That's not the cabeza Donut... and that's not Lopez!

"What's a cabeza?" Yang asked before turning to Blake, "Pussy Cat?"

"Easy. It means (Head)." Blake said, "At least he got something right."

"I wonder what Donut grabbed instead…" Ruby muttered, "And did he rip it off so fast that Sarge felt no pain."

' _Probably the other type of head.'_

'Shut Uuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppp…'

' _You know I won't.'_

'Just shut up.' Blake thought as Yang grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Two For One)**

_Fade_   _in to Doc walking up to Andy, Church and Caboose far from Blue Base_

 **Tucker** : ( _off in the distance_ ) Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!

"Well that explains why they're that far from the base." Yang said as she grimaced, "God, that sounds horrible. It sounds like he's puking his guts out."

"His stomach will go first after turning inside out and causing all the stomach acid to land on his other organs and start slowly disintegrating them before he pukes them out. Then, as he stares at his guts, his liver will implode while his heart starts to fail before finally dying in a pile of his own organs." Ruby added in,

"I suddenly don't want a burger anymore." Yang said as she turned green,

"Don't worry. Cupcakes are on the way!"

 **Doc** : Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

 **O'Malley** : That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket," huhuhuhuheuw.

 **Church** : Uh, sorry I'm busy.

"Because standing around and doing nothing is very important." Weiss said sarcastically as she eye rolled.

 **Doc** : Caboose?

 **Caboose** : I can't.

 **Doc** : Well why not?

 **Caboose** : Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. ( _cough cough cough_ ), coughing.

All eyes turned to Yang as she scratched the back of her head while having a sheepish look on her face, "What? I really am allergic to bees!"

"Yang…" Ruby said, causing the girls to jump, "For all my life with you I know for a fact that you are not allergic to bees and that you got stung by one twice before coming to Beacon."

"Grimm and bugs are two different things." Yang defended herself.

 **Doc** : Ohokay, just more fun for me.

"And no fun for O'Malley." Blake muttered,

"You financial bastard." Yang muttered angrily under her breath.

_Cut to Sarge watching Doc depart to the base through the sniper rifle_

**Sarge** : Well, you won't believe this; it looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley. Those dirty backstabbers!

 **Grif** : Our enemies teamed up with our enemy. How is that a backstab?

"Sarge kinda has a point." Weiss pointed out, "The Reds and Blues did work together against O'Malley and by his viewpoint they've teamed up to kill the Reds." By now, the others were wondering what happened to Weiss since she's sympathizing with Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Exactly! No good two-timers! Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translator thing so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.

 **Lopez** : You're just going to be disappointed.

"Is there a word worse than 'Disappointed'?" Yang asked, "Because I really want to use that word."

 **Sarge** : I agree Lopez, time is of the essence.

 **Lopez** : Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?

"Well, I thi-the things is th-logic dict-I got nothing." Blake said as she groaned.

 **Sarge** : Heh heh heh, good one amigo.

 **Lopez** : Oh God, someone please kill me.

 **Sarge** : I see the bomb. He's right next to Caboose.

 **Grif** : Which one is Caboose again? I get confused. Is he the stupid mean one ( _camera pans to Sarge_ ),

"Not. One. Word." Weiss growled out slowly as she grew a little in size and her eyes flashing red. Yang decided to just giggle quietly.

 **Grif:** The stupid annoying one ( _camera pans to Simmons_ ),

"He hasn't been that annoying lately." Blake said, "Well apart from when he's being a pervert or yelling out 'Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

' _Oh shit, that reminds me. Bow Chicka Bow Wow. Bow Chicka Bow Wow. Bow Chicka Bow Wow. Bow Chicka Bow. And a Bow Chicka Bow Wow for good measure.'_

"God fucking Jesus' ass…" Blake muttered quietly as she crossed her arms and tried to focus on the TV.

 **Grif:** Or the stupid stupid one ( _camera pans to Donut_ )?

"Okay, I have no objections on that." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Stupid stupid.

 **Grif** : Oh yeah, right. What an idiot.

 **Simmons** : Yeah totally.

 **Donut** : Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious, but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why don't we just shoot 'em?

Once again, there was another silence in the dorm as Ruby paused the episode, "…Logic Party?" Ruby asked.

"Logic Party." The rest of the team simply answered. One Logic Party later, they went back to watching, know that Sarge would probably come up with some type of bullshit.

 **Sarge** : Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill yer enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

"GO TO HELL! DIE IN THE ETERNAL FLAMES AND FOREVER BE BURNED ALIVE!" (Ruby)

"Worst. One-Liner. Ever. Of all time. FUCK!" (Weiss)

"…Wow…" (Blake)

"That one-liner was bad and should feel bad!" (Yang)

 **Grif** : ( _sigh_ ), oh my God.

 **Sarge** : Or my personal favorite, "You've just got Sarged." Hhheh heh heh, classic.

"That is definitely not a classic." Yang muttered, "Classic one-liners are: 'Yippe Ki Yay, motherfucker', 'I'll be back!', 'THIS! IS! SPARTA!', 'Consider that a divorce.', 'Welcome to Remnant.', and 'Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.' Those are classics."

 **Lopez** : I mean it, I want to die.

 **Sarge** : Hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes, it hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says: we're all equals as men.

"That's actually kind of wise if you think about it." Blake said.

 **Sarge:** Except I'm slightly more equal 'cause I'm still alive and you're dead. Of course dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is also totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.

"And there goes the wisdom, after being killed by stupidity with a knife made out of ignorance." Yang said in a philosophical tone.

 **Grif** : See? That right there is why society is going downhill. Everyone's in such a hurry these days-

 **Simmons** : Yeah yeah yeah, we get the point, wasting time, okay what was the plan Sarge?

 **Sarge** : You fellas stay here. I'm gonna head up there with Lopez and get that device. Get it Lopez, head up there. Score two for Sarge, ding ding.

Suddenly, there was a tomato splattered on the middle of the screen. All eyes automatically fell upon Ruby who was not-so-subtly hiding away a basket of fruit.

 **Lopez** : Dios mío.

_Cut back to Doc, Andy, Church and Caboose_

**Doc** : Hey guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

 **Church** : What is it Doc.

 **Doc** : You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

"He's dying." Ruby said, "He's dying of a disease that's slowly going from the bottom of his body and up to his brain, slowly taking it over until he only has a lust for flesh and start eating everyone in the canyon, ripping them limb from limb as they're eaten alive, armour and all!" As soon as she said the word 'disease', WBY started backing away from the red cloaked girl.

 **O'Malley** : Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

"Okay, what is he talking about?" Weiss asked, but didn't receive an answer.

 **Church** : Just tell us Doc, we can take it.

 **Doc** : Your friend is-

 **Caboose** : Dying? Oh no!

 **Doc** : No, he's not dying, he just has-

 **Caboose** : No chance to live. I knew it!

"Stop interrupting! I wanna know what's happening to Tucker!" Yang exclaimed,

"Why are you so desperate?" Blake asked,

"Well, I wanna see if it was from the swamp, sword, the Alien or Caboose." Blake was going to ask why she thought Caboose was one of the factors in Tucker's sickness, before realizing it was a viable option.

 **Church** : Caboose? One more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

 **Doc** : How do I say this, your friend is ... ...

"We don't have all summer, you know." Weiss said as she looked at an imaginary watch around her wrist.

 **Church** : Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

'Hurry up already. It's not like he's pregnant or something. That's impossible.' Blake thought. Noire saw an opportunity to be a bitch and maybe drive Blake off the edge so she went for it,

' _I'm betting he is.'_ Blake groaned outwardly,

'Ugh. Noire, I know I've read too many MPREGs for my own good but for the love of God it's impossible for male to be pregnant. Unless it's a seahorse.'

' _Wanna bet on it?'_ Blake saw an opportunity to be finally be free of her other personality so she went for it,

'You're on.' Noire smirked within Blake's mind, 'What are the terms?'

' _Well, if I win, you owe me a favour that is valid until the end of the summer.'_ Blake wanted to decline that since she knew Noire would make her do something fucked up but she also knew Noire wouldn't really embarrass her in front of her teammates so she agreed with it.

'And when  _I_  win, you have to leave me alone until… Season 7.'

' _Aw… I thought you wanted me gone forever.'_

'Oh, I would love to but until I get a therapist you're not going anywhere so I may as well hold you off for a season.'

' _Okay. I agree with these terms, Pussy.'_

'Now  _all_ I  _have_ to  _do_ is  _win_.' Both Blake's thought at the same time.

 **Doc** : No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

And for what it looks like to be the last one of the set, the dorm was in utter silence as the RWBYs processed the fact of a man getting pregnant.

 **Caboose** : Oh good. ...Wait what?

Before reacting accordingly.

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?" RWY exclaimed in disbelief while Blake was speechless at the fact that Noire was right and that she lost the bet,

"B-B-But, the stork…" Ruby said as everything seemed to get darker around her, "Wh-Where's the s-st-stork? A-And v-v-v-vasectomy g-g-gun?"

"That isn't even physically possible!" Weiss said as she gripped her head, still trying to process the information,

'A-At least it's just a favour. What can she do with it? Make me read more erotica?' Blake tried to look at the bright side of things, thinking the damage to her image was going to be very minimal. She would later fine out she was horribly wrong,

"I'm starting question our very existence as females." Yang said as she looked away from the TV, before Blake slapped her and grabbed her collar,

"YANG! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" Blake yelled at her, "Okay, so one guy gets pregnant and defies all reproductive science but there must be some logical explanation about how Tucker has a baby in his… 'something'…" Blake whispered the word, not sure where he was keeping it, "But we've been through worse so don't start freaking out now." Yang nodded as everyone calmed down (enough) to continue watching,

' _Should I mention I win?'_ Blake's head then dropped as a dark cloud loomed over her head, uttering three words,

"Fuck My Life." (AN: A joke based on Autistic-Grizzly's review!)

 **O'Malley** : Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

 **Church** : Alright, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway.

 **Doc** : No it's true, we found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. ...I think.

'Please just say he has two hearts, please just say he has two hearts.' WBY thought repeatedly in their minds, not wanting to explain to Creepy Ruby in fear that she would rain her wrath upon them (AN: From Iron-Mantis. Didn't want to use the entire thing because of personal reasons).

 **Church** : How is that a logical explanation? Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

"One, I'm sure Caboose doesn't know how use his, uh, 'thing' and Andy doesn't have one to begin with." Blake said, being careful to avoid any thing sexual. Which is way harder than it looks like seeing that she has the embodiment of sexuality in her head.

 **Andy** : Haha, don't look at me, Tucker's not my type.

 **Caboose** : Pshah, me neither. And, uh maybe we should um have the doctor explain, uh just how, babies are made, yknow uh in case someone, in the group, uuh may not exactly know how, that, happens.

"I know; it comes from the stork." Ruby answered happily enough, though it came out with a tone of malice. While they were scared of Ruby, they couldn't help but compare Ruby's & Caboose's knowledge about the reproductive system (which is none) and suddenly doubted their team's survival in future years for a moment.

 **Church** : Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

"Is he going to give Tucker a vasectomy?" Ruby asked Yang,

"No." Yang answered, feeling bad she has to keep lying, "He'd probably miss both shots. Even at point-blank range."

 **O'Malley** : No: you said we had to tell you what was wrong; you didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool, hahahahaa, read the fine print, classic blunder. Hmhm.

"All contracts always have a loophole." Weiss muttered, remembering a good example. Her parents said she couldn't be a Huntress but they didn't say she couldn't learn  _how_  to be one. And she knew if they replace or rip up the contract, it would take a month to write up another one. Just enough time for her to get on an airship to Beacon.

 **Doc** : First of all, I am right. And we are going to help him.

 **Church and O'Malley** (& RWBY): What?

 **Doc** : Look no-one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this, or how to help him, but with heart, and true determination, we can get him through this!

"Well, this is the moment where Tucker goes to hell." Yang said, feeling sorry for the Teal Swordsman.

 **Church** : Yeah we don't want heart and determination Doc. What we want is a degree. From an accredited medical institution.

 **Andy** : Yeah. Or four years equivalent work experience!

"And maybe an actual doctor since medics heal the wounded, not fix them, and I'm pretty sure they're not necessarily trained to deliver a baby, especially from a man." Weiss added in,

"Why is it weird for a man to deliver a baby?" Ruby asked,

"Because women are mostly trained to handle storks when they reach 21. Very few men are chosen to do that." Yang lied, feeling worse with that lie.

 **Doc** : ( _sigh_ ). Come see for yourself.

 **Church** : Fine.

 **Caboose** : Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaard this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started.

The girls blushed as they remembered what Tex implied what Tucker did at his rock, with Ruby still in the dark. She was starting to get a bit ticked off so the shadows in the room started to darken. This didn't go unnoticed by the others, with the feeling of dread now in the room.

 **Church** : Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

 **Caboose** : What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy.

 **Church** : Hey, no-one is pregnant. And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this... we gotta have a little talk man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

 **Caboose** : ...I'd like that.

The girls were shocked at how sincere Church sounded in that conversation. And now that they thought about it, he barely said anything mean to him at all even when he was talking to his worst enemy and a bomb, "D-Did Church and Caboose have a friendly conversation?" Weiss asked in disbelief,

"Without Caboose getting on Church's nerves and Church not yelling? It's blows my mind." Blake said, also in the same state of shock. Yang however, was just getting out of it,

"Wow, that's surprising. What's gonna happen next? Like Church is gonna turn out he's a-" Suddenly, she felt Crescent Rose's blade against her neck as Ruby's blank eyes stared into her soul,

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." Ruby growled out as she gripped onto her baby harder before holding it near Yang's prize possession: her hair, "I am sick of you and everyone guessing what's gonna happen next and getting it right!"

"B-But R-Ruby, I-I wa-was g-going t-to sa-say,"

"NO!" Ruby yelled out as the room darkened around her as her voice became as demonic as it possibly could get. If anyone heard her now, they wouldn't know if she was human or not, "I WANT TO BE SURPRISED! I swear if you predict anything else, I will make you  ** _bald_** and much,  _much_ worse if it's really important. And that's what I can only do with Crescent Rose. Got it,  _Yang?_ "

"Y-Yes ma'am!" Yang answered, scared a quarter away from ending up like Weiss,

"Good." Then Ruby turned to the ghost and cat girl, who were already wetting themselves. Well, it was more of Blake and Weiss' body wetting themselves while Weiss' soul was expelling ectoplasm everywhere on Blake's bed, "That goes for you two as well!"

"Yes ma'am!" The two girls quickly answered as well. Ruby, now satisfied, went back to her seat,

"Now, why is Church reading a book to Caboose?" Ruby asked herself. Yang finally had enough of lying at that point,

"Ruby?"

"Yes Yang?"

"After this… wanna go to the library later, just the two of us not as teammates, but sisters. I found a book we can read together that will answer all your questions." Ruby looked down for a moment in thought before smiling a sweet smile at her sis,

"I would like that." (AN: From aceman88!)

 **O'Malley** : Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, hmhm. Let me get you started: there's three holes. Hahahahahahaaaaa.

' _I bet Pussy can name all of those holes.'_

'I really wish you didn't exist right now.' Blake thought as she groaned.

 **Doc** : Oh gross.

 **O'Malley** : I meant in the bowling ball.

_Church and Doc head off to the base, leaving Caboose and Andy alone in the Gulch. Sarge is sneaking up on them, making stupid sneaking-up noises. You know, like every good spy should do in situations like these._

**Andy** : Hey Caboose. Level with me pal. I don't, really look like a bowling ball, do I?

"Well, in my honest opinion, bowling balls are lighter than you." Yang said, "Not even robot can carry you and the only one who can, could set you off at any moment and kill everyone."

 **Caboose** : No Andy, you're not nearly that fat.

 **Andy** : 'Cause I've been working out ya know. Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-

 **Sarge** : Yoink!

 **Andy** : Whaaa?

"And did any of those exercises do you good?" Weiss asked rhetorically, "Especially when you have no arms to perform them? Or have fat to burn or muscle to gain?"

 **Caboose** : Andy? Andy? What happened to you?

 **Lopez** : Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.

 **Caboose** : Andy. You turned in to a real boy!

"Well, more like a robot but that's as close as you can get when you're Caboose." Yang said,

"Also, just to add," Weiss said before face palming, "What's the point of using Lopez to replace Andy when you needed Andy to translate for Lopez!?"

"Sarge works in mysterious and extremely confusing ways." Blake answered.

_Cut to Sarge back with the Reds_

**Sarge** : See boys, now that's how you run a successful op. In and out like well-lubricated lightning.

"He means greased lightning." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons** : Where's Lopez?

 **Sarge** : Heh heh, I pulled the old switcharoo. Lopez was the same size and shape as this feller, so I just swapped him out. Just like Indiana Jones woulda done. Heh, they'll never even know he was missing. Thank God he's a little lighter than the last time we saw him.

 **Andy** : Finally, somebody noticed. D'you know how hard it is to maintain this figure?

 **Grif** : You swapped Lopez, for the bomb. Permission to speak insultingly, Sir?

"Permission granted." The team said in perfect unison.

 **Sarge** : Permission denied. Yer just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first. Heh heh heh. Now let's translate. Where's Lopez?

"3." (Yang)

"2." (Blake)

"1." (Weiss)

"0." (Ruby)

 **Sarge:**... Ah, hell, I'll be right back.

_Cut back to Caboose talking with Andy the Lopez_

**Caboose** : Now you see Andy now we can go fishing, and you don't have to be the bait any more, and we can hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire any more, and we can riding together, and now we can hold hands,  _(voice breaks)_  and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together.

"Uh… Andy can't do any of those things and like hell Lopez could right now." Yang said.

 **Sarge** :  _(from a distance_ ) Hey Caboose! You hear something behind you!

 **Caboose** : I do? I wonder what's causing it.

_Caboose turns around, Sarge runs in and takes Lopez's head_

**Sarge** : Double yoink!

 **Caboose** : Andy? Oh, my GOD! ANDY!

_Cut to reveal that Sarge swapped Lopez's head out for a skull_

"Oh dear god." Blake muttered, "Poor Jimmy."

 **Caboose** : You're dead! How did this happen? You were so young! It's all my fault! I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking!

"What smoking? He doesn't even have any lips or lungs to burn!" Weiss exclaimed. She already decided to try and hide the fact she likes the show now through complaining, but still trying to be nicer with her comments,

"Well, technically bombs do leave a lot of smoke when they blow up." Yang replied,

"Actually, most of it isn't smoke, it's the dust that gets kicked up." Blake corrected.

 **Caboose:** It worked so fast! You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding!

"He does realize he has a tank, right?" Yang stated,

"I still think Caboose is in love with Shelia and doesn't see her as a tank." Blake replied, "Kinda sweet really, in a sort of weird sick way."

"Ah… love holds has bounds even when one's a tank the other is an idiot." Ruby said dreamily, which creeped out her teammates to no end,

"At least they have something in common." Weiss spoke up, "They're both weapons of mass destruction." (AN: From Iron-Mantis!)

 **Caboose:** You hear that God, are you proud of yourself? Now that you've created a world without large explosions. Why couldn't you just take Tucker instead? He can't explode. At least I don't think he can. But even if he could it wouldn't be the same. Andy's exploding was special. My God. Why? Oh Andy.

"And thus ends another episode." Yang said as she hesitantly gave the remote back to Ruby, "Okay, we're at the final stretch. Ready girls?" Yang suddenly felt cold as she saw Ruby staring at her,

"My line." She simply said,

"S-Sure."

"Ready girls?" Ruby asked as she picked up the remote,

"Ready!" The rest of the team called, 'To end the week knock you out!' They mentally added in,

"Alright, time for the finale for the Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 4!" Ruby called out as she pressed play.

**(The Arrival)**

_Fade in to a wide shot of Blue Base_

**Church** : Uhh, I don't believe this.

"Me too Church." Weiss muttered as she stared at her transparent hands and sighed, 'So this is what Church feels like when he's a ghost, huh? God, my life sucks right now.'

"Afterlife, Weiss." Ruby corrected,

"Yeah, afterli-huh?" Weiss then noticed what Ruby just said she started slowly backing away from her.

 **Doc** : It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.

 **Church** : I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.

 **Doc** : Yeah also that.

 **Church** : And infectious diseases.

 **Doc** : Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything.

"You know it isn't that expensive to buy different coloured lights for the thing." Blake said, "Seriously, is Command really that cheap?"

"Considering what orders they're giving them, I wouldn't be too surprised." Yang replied.

 **Doc:** It takes a while to figure out the difference. ( _Doc starts using his medical tool_ ) Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.

 **Church** : If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it!

"That is one accurate Medical Scanner." Yang said flatly,

"Well, I guess there is some importance to having functions like that." Weiss said as she scratched her head, "No idea how or why but there must be."

 **Doc** : And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green  _causes_  impotency! My bad Church.

before remembering something, 'Crap! Cupcakes!' She quickly used her Semblance and got the cupcakes out of the oven and letting them cool on a counter before rushing back to the dorm.

 **Church** : Oh, that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway.

 **Doc** : See, these tools can be confusing sometimes. That's why doctors have to go to school for so long. Not that I'm actually a doctor mind you.

"Well, most doctors and medics have something called 'Degrees in Medical Science'." Yang said slowly, like she was talking to an idiot. Or Caboose. And sometimes Ruby or Jaune on occasion.

 **Church** : And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis.

 **Tucker** : Uogh, what diagnosis?

'Well, at least he isn't vomiting up his organs anymore.' Weiss thought, relieve that Tucker was okay.

 **Doc** : Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.

 **O'Malley** : Huhahaha, yes, with a bastard. Muhuhahahahahaha.

"BABIES AREN'T BASTARDS!" The RWBYs yelled out,

"Even though we don't know who the father/mother is!" Yang added in,

' _More likely a father but that's just me.'_

'Shut. The Hell. Up, Noire.'

 **Tucker** : It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend.

"I'm sure he hasn't been in town for a few  _years_." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic man, he's got no idea what he's talkin' about.

"Well, I have to say he does have some medical knowledge but also having a crazy A.I in your head doesn't exactly support the fact that you're a professional medic." Weiss pointed out.

 **Doc** : Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?

"And that doesn't help."

_Cue Caboose runs in holding Andy the Lopez's head the skull_

**Caboose** : Doctor! Help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him.

"You can't fix a dead person." Blake said as she sighed, "Unless you're a taxidermist."

"What's a taxi-"

"Something you don't want to know." Yang quickly answered.

 **Church** : Whoa whoa whoa, Caboose, what happened, who's dead?

"Not Andy." Weiss said, "Or anyone in particular."

"Apart from Tex." Ruby muttered bitterly.

 **Caboose** : Andy! Andy's dead. Look!

 **Church** : Okay, that's disgusting.

 **Caboose** : Doctor Doc, please help him.

 **Doc** : Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him; my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition.

"Especially when it happens in a matter of 2 seconds." Blake said.

 **Church** : Where did you get that?

 **Caboose** : First Tucker dies and now Andy!

 **Doc** : Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant.

"You know, that would make so much more sense than that." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!

 **Church** : Stop that.

 **Tucker** : Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time, it's gonna take a little while to get used to this.

 **Church** : You're not pregnant.

"Kinda invalid when the pregnant guy says he's pregnant." Yang stated.

 **Caboose** : I was just standing outside the base, and someone told me to turn around and when I did, Andy...

"It's actually kinda sad." Blake admitted, "Even though he is dumb, I think he genuinely cares about Andy. Even when he almost killed them all in a fiery explosion."

"You know, I think most of his friends are machines." Weiss noted,

"He considers Church a friend." Ruby pointed out, "Even though Church wants nothing more but to rip Caboose's spine out."

"But Church is possessing a robot so he technically counts as a machine." Yang pointed out before they all turned back to the TV.

 **Church** : Whoa wait, who told you to turn around?

 **Caboose** : I don't know! But they were very helpful.

 **Church** : And let me guess, when you turned back around, Andy was gone.

 **Caboose** : Yes. He was... gone.

"Stolen by a Red bastard." Yang muttered as she shook her head.

 **Church** : Huhh, everybody stay here. I'll be right back.

 **Doc** : Wait, what do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?

 **Tucker** : It's not mine.

"Dude, it is yours no matter what." Blake said, "You're going to be a… uh… daddy? Mummy? Uh… birth… giving… parent… guy?"

 **Church** : He is not pregnant!

"Just telling yourself that Church." Yang said as she leaned back on her chair and stretched, "You'll give in soon enough, like everyone does at some point."

 **Caboose** : And what about Andy?

 **Church** : And that's not Andy, just look, stay here!

 **Tucker** : Ahw, would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

"Oh my God, it's coming isn't it?" Weiss mumbled to herself before she realized something, "Wait, where is it coming to come out of?"

"You probably shouldn't know for your sanity's sake." Blake advised the ghost, hoping she wouldn't get scarier than she already is. But then again, Blake was getting over her fear. Not completely but slowly getting there.

 **Doc** : Oh boy, Caboose? Better go boil some water.

 **Caboose** : How can you think of soup at a time like this?

_Cut to Andy translating Lopez's message from Red Command. It sucks even more balls in English._

**Andy/Vic:**  Here are your orders for winning the war. Eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing. And, please win, thank you.

 **Grif** : That's totally, totally lame. And not at all surprising. Which is also totally, totally lame.

"Amen, Grif." Yang muttered to herself as she cried a little, "Amen."

 **Simmons** : I don't know 'bout that Grif, I think there was actually some valuable tactical information in there. Right Sarge?

"You know, I honestly expect Sarge to say something that make those orders sound informative and somehow win the war against the Blues." Weiss said before declaring loudly, "Just watch as he says,"

 **Sarge** : Simmons have you lost your last marble? That was pure nonsense!

And for the final time (for real this time), a stunned silence fell upon the room as they stared in disbelief at the TV, "D-Did Sarge, a man known to rely more on Command than his charge, just say something from Command is pure and utter nonsense!?" Yang exclaimed as she snapped out of it,

"It's the end of the world as we know it." Blake said quietly before they continued watching.

 **Simmons** : Oh, that's what I meant.

 **Sarge** : Eliminate the enemy, what kinda plan is that? I think Command has lost it.

"They never had it to begin with, damn it!" Yang shouted out, "Screw! Them!"

 **Grif** : Lost it? When did they have it?

"BURNED!" The RWBYs yelled out, now getting pretty worked up now.

 **Donut** : Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now!

"What's Church doing?" Ruby asked, "He'll get killed if he goes out alone… no, wait. Scratch that. Do it Church! Go and get destroyed and riddled full of bullets and holes!"

 **Grif** : Hey, let's eliminate him! Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list!

 **Sarge** : Uhh, I'm just so depressed.

"Because your once all-and-powerful Command turned out to be a fraud? Yeah, I would be too." Weiss said coldly, 'They should pay for their lies.' Weiss thought that part.

 **Sarge:** I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass...Jackass. I'll kill ya!

"And… Sarge is back." Blake muttered.

 **Donut** : Nah, I don't think eliminating him is gonna be easy. It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.

Yang then began to drool at the very thought of Shelia coming back in action, "Oh yes… go Sheila… DESTROY THEM ALL!" This caused Blake & Weiss to move away from the blonde,

"I don't know who disturbs me more. Ruby or Yang." Weiss whispered to Blake, who agreed completely (AN: From Chaos Lord Roscoso!)

 **Simmons** : What're you talking about Donut, the tank isn't coming out here. Look it's not even moving.

"Because Shelia doesn't need to move!" Yang defended the tank, "SHE WILL DESTROY YOU FROM BLUE BASE!"

"Which is possible." Weiss whispered to herself, remembering her favourite pastime in online matches that have tanks: Tank Sniping, where the gun is a cannon and the bullet is a missile. She would somehow get headshots.

 **Donut** : Yes it is, look!

 **Grif** : Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known Command was stupid all along. It can be hard at first but you'll get used to it.

"I'm betting he got used to it as soon as he heard the first generic order." Yang thought out loud.

 **Sarge** : Just leave me alone. ( _Sarge starts crying_ ).

 **Simmons** : Donut, I am looking, if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.

 **Donut** : It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!

 **Simmons** : What tree, there aren't any trees out here!

"Oh God, he's actually hallucinating." Weiss muttered, worried about the pink soldier's sanity, "But there are a lot of rocks to compare."

 **Grif** : You wanna call me an idiot Sarge? That always makes ya feel better.

 **Sarge** : Oh, shut up moron.

 **Grif** : Heh, feels better, right?

 **Sarge** : Yeah I, guess a little.

"And all is right in the world." Yang said, "And now cue the explosion."

 **Simmons** : Nope, not moving.

 **Donut** : Yes it is! See, look closer!

 **Sheila** : Firing main cannon.

_Sheila fires in to the rock behind Simmons and Donut_

**Simmons** : Okay, you're right, it's coming this way.

As soon as Yang saw Ruby picking up her weapon, she quickly grabbed the helmet left over from Ruby's old armour from her Bitch Phase and put it on, "IT WASN'T THAT FAR! IT WASN'T THAT FAR!" Yang yelled out as she shielded her head, but mainly her hair, "NOT THE HAIR! ANYTHING BUT THE HAIR!"

"I know. I also expected that." Ruby said flatly before taking off the helmet and leaning into her sister's ear, "But I like the smell of fear radiating off you now. And it is delicious." She then slowly licked up Yang's ear, causing the Brawler to be even more creeped out, "Like the cupcakes I've baked. You want one Yang?" Yang couldn't help but nod, one because she was scared shitless. Two, she was hungry, "Hooray!" Ruby cheered before turning to Blake & Weiss, "You want some cupcakes later?"

"Um… I'm a ghost… I can't eat anything." Weiss pointed out as she sweatdropped,

"Sure, why not?" Blake replied, feeling hungry herself. Weiss groaned, as she realized she hasn't eaten anything since her soul exited her body and she was probably as hungry as hell.

 **Donut** : RUUUN!

_The Reds scatter ... all behind a single rock._

"Real effective strategy there! 10 points for the Reds!" Yang called out in an announcer voice.

 **Donut** : We're gonna die!

 **Sarge** : Run men!

 **Simmons** : Ah, run away!

 **Grif** : No!

 **Simmons** : Please don't kill me!

 **Grif** : No!

 **Simmons** : Not the fucking tank!

 **Donut** : Run!

"I guess all that training and running paid off, huh?" Blake said, slightly amused that the Reds are doing what they do best: Running the Hell away from tanks.

_Cut to the Reds behind their rock_

**Sarge** : Regroup men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo.

 **Grif** : Uhhhh...

"He forgot again, didn't he?" Blake muttered as she rubbed the bridge of her nose, 'You'd think he'd learn by now.'

 **Sarge** : Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget.

 **Simmons** : Already on it, Sir.

"At least Simmons learned." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : Return fire men! I'll call for reinforcements. Come in Command, come in!

 **Vic Jr.** : Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on, that sounds like fun.

"Why is he calling Command?" Yang asked, "All they've done is make things worse for both sides or barely did anything at all!"

"Well, they did send for a bombing run back at Season 1…" Blake said, before she saw Yang with a dark cloud over her head,

"D-Don't remind me." Yang sobbed.

 **Sarge** : Vic, we need help. Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.

 **Simmons** : Okay, how 'bout we give them our base?

 **Donut** : Oh, good idea! We could live in the caves!

 **Simmons** : We could let them kill Grif!

 **Sarge** : Simmons you're supposed to negotiate their surrender, not ours! Vic, are you still there?

"Okay, why the Blue's surrender when all you have is guns against a MOTHERFUCKING TANK!?" Yang exclaimed. Blake tried to think of a reason but decided to do a simple answer,

"Sarge is insane."

_Simmons', Grif's and Donut's heads emerge right to left from above their rock in a comical way_

**Simmons** : Hey Blues!- Up- I mean, Blue! We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender!

 **Church** : Wha- why would I-

_Sheila fires, loudly_

**Church** : Hey, hold on a second Sheila. Why would I surrender!?

_The Reds mumble something including the word sandwich at least twice behind their rock before re-emerging_

**Simmons** : Uh, because you're outnumbered!

"OUTNUMBERED!?" Yang & Weiss exclaimed,

"It's fucking 4 to TANK! How is that outnumbered!?" Weiss added in,

"Told ya Sarge is insane." Blake said flatly, "Simmons just takes after him."

 **Church** : Bullshit dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

_The Reds mumble something actually incoherent behind their rock before re-emerging again_

**Simmons** : We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

"Oh dear lord." WBY groaned as they face palmed,

"Well, he's right, you know." Ruby said.

 **Church** : WHAT!?

 **Simmons** : Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered, and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered, and we gave you the jeep. Now, that means that ( _trails off_   _to some crap about how the guy with the tank should surrender. Completely useless information right now so…_ )

"Shut up already!" Weiss yelled out.

 **Church** : Sheila, shut him up.

_Sheila fires at them_

**Simmons** : Son of a bitch!

"Thank you Church!"

 **Donut** : Is that a no?

 **Church** : Okay look guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really,  **REALLY** , don't have time for this horse shit right now!

"And that sums up the whole season. Good night everybody!" Yang called out.

 **Grif** : Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

 **Church** : HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

 **Andy** : ( _laughing_ ) Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him.

"Hey, wait, what?" The RWBYs said as soon as they heard that,

"What did he just say?" Weiss asked, "I didn't get that what he said. For a second there I thought Andy said the Alien impregnated Tucker."

"Um… that's exactly what he said." Blake answered, hearing clearly as her cheeks reddened, "The Alien impregnated Tucker." Yang's brain then shut down but Weiss was still skeptical,

"But Tucker doesn't have," Weiss looked at Ruby before continuing, "The 'parts' required for a baby. So how would the Alien impregnate him?"

 **Andy:** That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Hahaha! But you already knew that, right? Right?

"I guess that answers your question." Blake said, only to see Weiss in the same state as Yang, "Ah shit." Blake muttered as she and Ruby waited for the two to wake up before they started the episode up again.

 **Church** : What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

 **Andy** : Uhh, I mean uhh, Alien baby? How could that have happened? I am just as shocked as you are...

_Radio sounds_

**Caboose** : Come in Church come in.

 **Church** : Caboose, what did I tell you man, you're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great - now I'm on the radio too.

"Oh shit!" Weiss cursed as she face palmed. Blake already knew and copied her while Ruby & Yang were in the dark, "Don't you remember, the Reds used their radio! O'Malley must've used it to jump to another host!" She explained,

"Or an entire Command Centre." Blake said in realization, causing the others (apart from Ruby) to gasp, "O'Malley must've used Sarge's link to Command and went there! He now has access to all military equipment, including weapons of mass destruction. Command may not know what to do with them but an A.I does." Only one thought passed through their minds,

'Blood Gulch is fucked.'

 **Caboose** : Oh that, that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio aaand, O'Malley is gone.

 **Church** (& RWBY): Oh my God!

"They're so fucked." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

_Cuts to Blue Base where Tucker is giving birth to the Alien Baby._

**Tucker** : Ohh, hee hee hee hooo, huuugggghhh...

 **Doc** : Congratulations, it's a - thing. Eugh.

"Yay! The stork arrived!" Ruby cheered before she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned and saw it was Yang,

"Ruby, we're going to read  _a lot_ of books after this." Yang said.

 **Alien Baby** : Honk honk, whaaargh, whaaargh!

"It takes after it's… Biological Alien Parent." Blake said, "Yep, that should do."

 **Church** : What was that?

 **Caboose** : Ohwell, that's the other thing I called about, um, Tucker had his gross baby.

 **Tucker** : It's not mine!

"IT'S YOURS YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" The RWBYs screamed at the TV.

 **Church** : He is not PREGNANT! Sheila? Stay here. If anybody moves, shoot 'em.

 **Donut** : A baby, wait up! I wanna see!

 **Sarge** : Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.

 **Donut** : But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!

"He's right, you know." Weiss said, "Wait… I have a feeling that he just jinxed,"

_The ship lands square on Donut's head_

"…it."

 **Simmons** : Ship's here.

(With JNPR & RVIW)

"We couldn't figure out another name, alright!" Hiro explained while RVIW & JNPR were eating lunch, "Seriously, what can you get with SHPV or IWSR!?"

"Uh… WISR (pronounced  _wiser_ ), uh… yeah, I got nothing." Jaune said as he continued to eat his burger,

"See! And that's why," Hiro then stopped, "Hey, you hear that?"

"What?" Ren asked before they all heard a large 'HOLY MOTHERFUCKING ASS FULL OF SHIT! FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!' which cracked a few windows in the restaurant, "…okay."

"Mother of God…" Sun muttered as he ate more pancakes with bananas on them, "I may swear sometimes but I don't have a sailor mouth. I wonder who yelled that."

"Anyway," Hiro said, continuing the conversation he and Jaune were having, "RVIW works, even though 'Rotors' isn't Penny's real last name I think. He told me it."

"What?" Pyhrra asked as she dropped her fork, "Who are ' _they_ '?"

"My caregiver!" Penny answered happily, "Who entrusted my care on friend Hiro!"

"Wait, WHAT!?"

(Back to RWBY)

 **Grif** : Shotgun!

"And that's the end to Season 4." Yang said she leaned back, "Next is the final season for the Blood Gulch Chronicles."

"And I still don't have my body back." Weiss said as she looked at it,

"We'll figure it out eventually." Blake said just as Ruby slammed the door open with her foot since she was carrying a tray full of black cupcakes. They weren't burnt, but it looked like Ruby used food coloring to make it black,

"Dig in!" Ruby exclaimed happily. Yang and Blake sighed and started to eat the cupcakes, and were surprised to see that it was velvet red inside,

"Hey Ruby! This is good! What did you use to make it so good?" Yang asked as she stuffed her mouth with Ruby's "Special" Cupcakes, "You've got to tell me!"

"Grimm."

"Yeah, okay Ruby. Seriously, what did you use to make this stuff so awesome?"

"Grimm." Suddenly, the team realized that Ruby was completely serious about what she used, "Had to add extra eyeball fluid to make sure the consistency was right but I'm glad you like it."

"I am so glad I don't have a body." Weiss said as she saw Blake and Yang turning green. Weiss would later figure out how to possess objects and knock Ruby out later that day, but at that moment, seconds before they rushed to the bathroom to vomit, Blake & Yang looked at each other and they knew this was going to be a long summer (AN: From nightelf37!).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	35. Mini-Series: Out of Body (Out of Mind)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why don't they have an upload feature?
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was another normal morning in Beacon Academy, as the trapped team all woke up. Well, Blake & Yang anyway. Ruby was put into the infirmary yesterday and most likely still in her coma while Weiss couldn't sleep a wink, because she couldn't, "Morning Yang." Blake said as she yawned and stretched like the cat she was,

"Good morning Pussy Cat." Yang said as she yawned before looking at Weiss' body, "Morning Weiss."

"Morning." Weiss said as she floated up to Yang's face with a sickly sweet expression on her face, "Did you sleep well? What dreams did you have? Can you tell me about because I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT!"

"Yeash, bad dream?" Yang asked,

"It's more like NO DREAM FOR ME!" Weiss yelled at the blonde, "I stayed up all night because whatever I did, I couldn't sleep!"

"Well, you are a ghost. You don't need sleep." Blake pointed out,

"I know that but I really want my body back!" Weiss started sobbing a little, "It's starting to get to me." Yang quickly hugged the Heiress as soon as she saw the tears (well, what Yang considers as tears) starting to form in her teammate's eyes,

"It's okay Weiss. We'll find a way to put you back in your body one way or another." Yang assured the ghost, "And we won't give up until we do." Weiss wiped away a few tears before smiling at the Brawler,

"Thank you." Just as she said that, a beeping sound was heard, "Ah shit."

"What?" Blake asked as she exited the bathroom, now fully clothed,

"I have to go check on Ruby now."

"Don't worry Weiss. I'll do it for you." Yang said. Once again, Weiss smiled before frowning,

"I'm going with you just in case you fuck something up and I need to possess your body." Yang sighed as she rubbed her forehead,

"Well, my body is ready." Just as she said that, they heard the door knob getting turned. Blake quickly looked at Yang, who quickly hid under the covers, before looking at Weiss, who quickly possessed Myrtenaster just in case. Blake then hid in shadows and waited for the enemy to walk through. Things started to get tense as the person slowly opened the door. Yang grabbed her gauntlets from under her pillow and put them on. Weiss started charging up her Ice Dust and Blake was ready with her ribbon and a ball gag. They waited for Blake's signal to attack the door opened to reveal…

"Morning guys. Does anyone want pancakes?"

"GET HER!" That was signal.

"Huh, wait, AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(A few minutes later)

"Mmph! Mmph phm mmph mm mph mmph! (Girls! Get me out of this thing!)" Ruby yelled through her ball gag as she flopped around like a fish on the floor, wrapped in Blake's amazingly strong ribbon and some duct tape for good measure,

"Not until you prove you're not in your Perverted stage!" Yang said as Blake pointed her sharpened sheath at Ruby, "Or else Crescent Rose is going to have a nice little skydive into Emerald Forest." Ruby turned her head and saw in horror her precious scythe floating outside the window with a white glow around it. She started flopping around even more, wanting her baby to be safe in her arms, only for Yang to lift her up and start shaking her, "Tell us now!"

"Um… Yang, she can't prove it if she has a gagged and you're throwing her around everywhere." Blake pointed out. Yang stopped shaking her now dizzy sister and put her gently on the ground before taking off the gag,

"Sorry Ruby."

"SORRY!?" Ruby exclaimed as she stared at Yang with rage in her eyes, "All I wanted to do was make pancakes and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!? Seriously! All I wanted to do is apologize for, uh… myself for the past few weeks." Weiss heard Ruby's sincere tone and felt sorry for her so she brought Crescent Rose inside, used it to cut off the duct tape and told Blake to release her from her ribbon. Blake was hesitant at first but when Ruby pulled out the big guns (The Innocent Puppy & her Chibi Mode combined), she relented and let her go, "Thanks Weiss."

"It's okay." Weiss muttered as she un-possessed Ruby's scythe, "I'm just glad we had our team Leader back and not some bitch, ninja or a creepy girl." Everyone shuddered at the memories before they all turned to Ruby,

"So… you're not going through the Phases anymore?" Yang asked with hope in her voice. Ruby didn't want to break it to her so she just sighed,

"Nope. They're far from over." Yang groaned as she slumped down,

"But, you're normal now. Shouldn't it be over?" Blake said,

"No, I think this is temporary." Ruby said with a sigh, "And there's more to it."

"What?" Weiss asked, "What about?"

"Switching between Phases."

"Ruby, all you do is get knocked out, put to sleep for a week before waking up with a different personality." Yang pointed out,

"But that's the thing. There's more that. Knocking me out physically won't solve anything. I'll probably still be in that Phase regardless."

"But what about when Yang hit you a few weeks ago?" Blake asked,

"I was unconscious before Yang slammed into me."

"Why?" Weiss asked. Ruby took a deep breath and said,

"My brain fried." There was a silence in the room as they wonder what she meant by that. Yang the decided to break the silence,

"Huh?"

"I think I know what she means." Blake spoke up after thinking it over, "Her mind can't comprehend certain factors that cause it to shut down and let another mind take its place. So, for example, when Yang ruined our chance of escaping from Beacon, Emotional Ruby couldn't handle it and switched with Bitch Ruby, which also explains why she was angry at Yang all the time."

"That's it. Thanks Blake." Ruby said, "Oh, and sorry for putting you in a cast. I have to admit making Bitchy Me say all that stuff was pretty funny." Blake smiled a little,

"I do my best." Blake said as she curtsied, "Anyway, so all we have to do is find out how to overload your brain so you switch Phases faster and we can go through the rest in just a few more weeks."

"That's basically it." Ruby said before a silence fell on the room again. Ruby started whistling before asking, "So, what do we do now?"

"Well, me & Yang were about to check but since you're okay for now, I guess we have nothing to do but…" Weiss then mumble incoherently as she rubbed her shoulder,

"What was that?" Blake asked. Even with her hearing she couldn't understand Weiss,

"Well, maybe should…" Weiss still mumbled but she said it a bit clearer, allowing them to know that there were actual words in that sentence,

"What? I didn't get that." Yang said as she leaned in closer, "You said something about matching Ned and a zoo?"

"Fuck it." Weiss muttered before saying it loud and clearly,

"I wanna watch Red vs Blue!" Weiss was surprised to see Ruby saying it as well. Yang & Blake just stared at the two in disbelief,

"But I don't wanna!" Yang whined,

"Yeah, we had enough RvB for a week." Blake added in,

"'RvB'?"

"You know what I'm saying! Can we just have a break?"

"But c'mon…" Ruby whined like her sister before turning on her Chibi Mode again, "I haven't watched it with me in control for a month! Let me watch it. Ppppppllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeee…" This went on for a good 3 hours as Ruby begged the two to watch more, following them everywhere (even the bathroom) before they finally relented, mostly because she was annoying everyone and Ruby was starting to turn standard issue blue. So after Yang set up for another session and put in the Season 4 DVD, Ruby was searching the Extras and found a few peculiar words.

Mini Series: Out of Mind

"What the heck is 'Out of Mind'?" Ruby muttered to herself. Blake overheard what she just said and looked at the screen,

"Huh." Blake said, "Well, since we've already watched Season 4 we may as well watch this 'Mini Series'"

"WHAT!?" Yang yelled out as she came back with popcorn, "There's a Mini-Series now!?"

"Well, we better watch it." Weiss told her as she floated to her seat, right next to Ruby. She was actually eager to watch it, wondering what was going to happen in it

"Oh, c'mon! Why? We watched an entire season yesterday!"

"Because I take pride in the fact that I make sure to follow the plot and if it somehow turns out to be important I would hate myself for it." Weiss explained in a posh tone,

"And you like Red vs Blue." Ruby added in,

"And I like Red vs B-" Weiss quickly stopped herself and scoffed instead, "No, I do not."

"But didn't deny it yesterday." Yang said with a smirk,

"I was paying attention to the story. Anyway, I have standards damn it! And those standards say 'Shut up, sit down and watch the fucking thing!'" Yang knew if she angered Weiss anymore she would probably haunt them, even when they put her back in her body. So she sat down and passed the remote to Ruby,

"Is everyone ready?" Ruby asked. Her teammates responded with a quick 'yes', "Alright! Time to start Out of Mind, the Mini-Series!" Ruby then pressed play (AN: From Iron-Mantis!).

**(Part I)**

_Cut through various scenery shots during the flashy new title panels, eventually settling on a front gate with Wyoming walking through it_

"Fancy." Yang muttered, "I guess they got a bigger budget."

"I guess they had more money available considering that these episodes are way shorter than the normal ones." Blake guessed.

 **Wyoming** : You there, look alive.

_Wyoming goes through the door, and as the Guards chatter Tex, invisible, sneaks up behind them_

"You got to be kidding me." Ruby muttered, "The stupid Mini Series follows freaking Tex of all people."

"Who would you expect?" Weiss asked rhetorically. She didn't like Tex but it would be interesting to see what happened after she left the others back at the temple.

 **Blue Guard** : Crikey, boss seems like he's in a bad mood today.

"What a shitty accent." Blake said, "And who the fuck says 'Crikey' these days?"

"British accents are better." Yang muttered,

"Even when the murderer of a hero of an entire race has one?" Weiss asked Yang,

"Hey, to be fair, it was technically a combined effort." Ruby said, "A chain of unfortunate events, if you will."

"You just got it off the book, didn't you?" Yang said flatly,

"No!" Ruby exclaimed while hiding said book under Weiss' bed, "You don't have evidence!"

 **Red Guard** : No kidding.

 **Blue Guard** : What's gone up his bum eh?

"Probably a load of cash." Yang muttered, "Hopefully a sniper rifle barrel soon."

"And bullets. You can't forget as many bullets as you can stuff up his ass." Weiss said. Blake was waiting for a Noire comment but was surprised to see she wasn't even watching, 'Finally, peace.' Blake thought.

 **Red Guard** : What do you think tomorrow is?

 **Blue Guard** : Hold on a bit... You hear that?

 **Red Guard:**  Hear what?

 **Blue Guard:**  You hear that?

 **Red Guard:**  Hear what?

 **Blue Guard:**  Come on you gotta hear that one.

"You know, Tex isn't that stealthy now that I think about it." Blake said, remembering all the times she's gotten caught. It wasn't that many but she did get caught by Sarge _._

 **Red Guard:**  Hear whaa-ooooh crap.

_Tex punches the Red Guard in the face and knocks him out, then goes visible and runs down a hallway as the Blue Guard shoots at her_

**Blue Guard** :  _(honing in)_  Gotcha now, mate! What's that noise?

_Blue Guard looks down and sees a glowing blue spider grenade attached to his foot_

**Blue Guard** : Crikey!

_The grenade goes off, shooting the Guard very high in the air_

**Tex** : Hope I didn't scare ya fellas.

"But you have to admit she gets the job done." Yang said, "An aspect a merc should always have."

 **Blue Guard** : Crikeeeeeeeeeeeeeey  _(lands behind Tex as she walks by)_  ...Bollucks.

 **Tex** :  _(in voiceover)_  I'd been tracking my old friend, Wyoming, hoping that he'd lead me to his boss.

"Who's probably O'Malley." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex:** But I wasn't having any luck, until he came here. Now I hate locked doors, but at least that means there's something, or someone, worth lockin' up. Still, I have a pretty good sixth sense, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was walking right in to a...

_The locked door she was talking about opens suddenly, and Wyoming drives a jeep at her face_

**Tex** :  _(backing up swiftly)_  Crap!

"It's a trap!" Yang yelled out.

_The jeep goes up a slope and gets stuck_

"Dammit." Ruby muttered under her breath.

 **Wyoming** : Well well, look who abandoned her mates to follow me. I'm flattered of course, but you'll pardon me for not acting surprised, Tex.

 **Tex** :  _(in voiceover)_  Oh, by the way? I'm Tex. And yes, I know it's a guy's name.

"…Never thought about that." Blake said.

 **Wyoming** : And it seems you've killed my two best guards. Oh bugger.

 **Tex** : Oops. Sorry 'bout that.

"Wait, really? Aren't they enemies?" Ruby asked, totally confused about Tex apologizing,

"Ruby, she's being sarcastic." Yang told her,

"Oh."

"And hold on, you're normal right?" Blake asked,

"Yeah…"

"And you're not bothered by the fact that you just saw two soldiers die?"

"You know, after watching a few deaths you kinda get used to it." Ruby answered in a more serious tone, "Also, I hated that guy's accent." She joked.

 **Wyoming** : Perish the thought, my dear. Tomorrow is pay day; you actually saved me quite a bit of money. Kill anyone else and I might have to start paying you commission.

"Asshole." Blake muttered, remembering how Torchwick had a similar view on his own men. She was glad he was gone, but for how long was the question (AN: From Iron-Mantis!)

 **Tex** : Where is he?

 **Wyoming** : Oh right, and here I thought you were spending all this time trying to get close to me. Tisk tisk.

 **Tex _:_** Cut the shit. Where is he?

 **Wyoming** : Yes, he asks about you too, Tex. It's almost as if you two are on the same mind.

 **Tex** : That's not funny.

"Well, they're both mean as shit." Yang stated, "Except one's a useless villain and the other is an effective anti-hero."

"And that using 'Anti-Hero' loosely." Weiss added in.

 **Wyoming** : Sorry, but I can't play matchmaker today, I'm entirely too busy.

_Wyoming backs the jeep off the incline, and Tex jumps on the side and starts punching him in the face. He runs the jeep against the wall to get rid of her and drives off_

**Tex** : Dammit!

 **Wyoming** : Ta ta for now!

'My God, it's so sexy…' Yang thought as she drooled. Ruby was somewhat glad she could move away from her sister.

 **Tex** :  _(in voiceover while chasing him on foot)_  So here's my problem: Wyoming was my only lead. Losing him would mean losing any chance of finding his boss. There was no way I was gonna let that happen. Wyoming didn't know it, but he was gonna lead me right to him.

"So she can't kill Wyoming." Weiss muttered,

"Yet." Blake added in.

_While going on and on as women often do (Sexist, by the way. -UknownHero), Tex picks up a random sniper rifle and loads it with a tracking device and shoots the back of Wyoming's car with it_

**Voice on Radio** : Come in Wyoming.

 **Wyoming** : Wyoming here, go ahead.

 **Voice on Radio** : Did she take the bait?

 **Wyoming** : Indeed. Hook line and sinker, mate. Hook line and sinker.

 **Voice on Radio** : Excellent. Hm hm hm hm ha ha ha ha haa.

"Wait, did O'Malley plan that himself or was it Wyoming?" Ruby asked,

"I don't know." Yang answered, "What I do know is that Tex is walking into another trap. Anyway, next episode?"

"Next episode." Weiss said as she took over Yang's body and used it to press play before going out,

"I needed aspirin anyway." Yang groaned while rubbing her head, trying to soothe her headache caused by the Heiress,

"Sorry." Weiss quickly apologized before turning to the video.

**(Part II)**

_Credits come in with several recruits running across the screen as the voice booms over the loudspeaker_

**Unknown Voice** : Alright I wanna see some hustle out there! I mean the, hard work kinda hustle not the, disco or legal scam kinda hustle. Apologize for the confusion on that earlier.

"Are… all Red and Blue armies this stupid?" Blake asked,

"Well, you can't blame them. We have our own." Weiss pointed out, remembering their first gym session. Jaune will forever be known as 'The Hustler' as well as many other names.

_Special Forces Training. The voice continues mostly inaudibly in the background_

"Tex must be having a flashback to her training days." Ruby said, "Before she became the cybernetic bitch we know today."

 **Church** : Your armor looks good. A lot better than this regulation blue stuff they give the rest of us.

"And you will soon learn to hate regulation blue when you get to Blood Gulch." Yang said.

 **Tex** : They told us each one has a unique ability. I've been tryin' to figure out what mine is-

"Well, it's either stealth and sabotage or generally being a bitch." Ruby said, "Now that I think about it, if Tex was in the Special Forces, why is she a mercenary rather than doing more serious and complex military operations?" It was actually a good question, but no one knew the answer. Things weren't adding up.

 **Church** : Tex you know, you don't have to do this.

 **Tex** : I'm not doing it because I have to.

 **Church** : It's just that, there's all these rumours about these experiments they're running, they're... taking computer programs and puttin' 'em inside of people's heads. Just sounds a little, crazy.

"And having more than one mind sucks." Blake muttered, 'Speaking of another mind, where's Noire?'

 **Tex** : You know I can't talk about it with you.

 **Church** : I know.

 **Tex** : Technically you're not even supposed to be here.

 **Church** : I know.

 **Jimmy** : Hey Leonard, come on.

 **Church** : Yeah hold on a second Jimmy!

 **Wyoming** : Yes I think it best you go, Private. We've got real military work to do here. Perhaps you should go back to your training. Learn how to get shot properly. Hmhmhm.

"Okay, that is just Weiss cold!" Yang exclaimed, only to get hit with a kiwi fruit. Yang just sighed as she wiped off the fruit from her cheek.

 **Church** : Yeah thanks. I was already leaving.

_Church walks a little, then stops_

**Unknown Voice** : Never leave a man behind... except when it's to save them from danger, you should probably let women and children go first, and come back for the men later.

 **Church** : Tex I... just be careful.

 **Unknown Voice** : Just give us your best judgment.

"So, he's deciding to let Tex go." Blake said, "That's actually sweet of him to do that, to willingly let go of what possibly is his only love, knowing that it would mean that he'll never see her again or at worse, get her killed." Ruby stayed quiet for a few seconds before shaking her head,

"Well, at least we know Church is a good guy to have around." Ruby said, "He may have anger issues and a horrible shot but underneath it all is a loyal soldier and a good man."

_Fade to the present. Tex gives a stirring monologue about the events happening on screen, below_

**Tex** : ( _voiceover_ ) He was right about the rumours: every operative was paired and implanted with some kind of modified A.I. They were supposed to make us faster or stronger, or in my case, just plain meaner.

"And that worked all too well." Yang muttered.

 **Tex:** The experiment worked for a while, then people just started goin' crazy. So they scrapped the project, and began removing the A.I. modules and deleting them one by one. Problem was, some of the A.I.s didn't wanna be deleted, resisting the removal process.

"That's what you get for having sentient A.I." Weiss said, "They're only there to run equipment. Nothing more."

 **Tex:** The one in my head, Omega, was one of the difficult ones. Since they couldn't erase him they decided to erase both of us. And that didn't go over so well.

"That explains why she's a merc." Blake pointed out, "She went AWOL and worked as a merc, which also explains the voice modifier from before."

 **Tex:** By the time we escaped the facility it was pretty clear I had to do something to get rid of Omega for good. Unfortunately, it's pretty hard to hide your thoughts from somethin' that lives inside your head. It wasn't that long before he figured out how to jump outta me, and in to other people using the radio. So removing him was the easy part. Killing him, was gonna be a different story. And as much as I hate to admit it...

 **Tex** : I'm gonna need some help.

"Hey, everyone needs help sometimes." Ruby said as she looked at her teammates and smiled, "Well, two down, three to go. Blake?"

"Got it." Blake said as she picked up the remote. She wanted to get this session over and done with so she aimed the remote at the TV and pressed play.

**(Part III)**

_Credits come in over shots of a city, which later pan down to reveal someone at a door_

_Commercial District. Tex comes up behind the guy at the door and points her gun at him_

**Tex** : Alright freeze!

"Okay, I'm confused." Yang said, "She said she needed help and now we cut to some guy picking a lock while Tex is playing vigilante and arresting him. I don't get it."

"Well, maybe there's more to this thief than we know." Weiss told the blonde before going back to the TV.

 **Guy** : Oh... Sorry officer, I uh, lost my keys to my shop here and I was, trying to figure out a way to, you know um...

 **Tex** : You never were a very good liar York.

"'York'? She knows this guy?" Blake muttered to herself, "From where exactly?"

 **York** : York, haven't been called York in a really long time. Hello Allison.

 **Tex** : I haven't been called Allison in a really long time. You down to petty theft now York? Seems like a waste of your talents.

"Said the girl hired to capture a flag." Ruby said with a small smirk.

 **York** : Hey, whatever pays the rent. There's not much call for a former infiltration specialist these days.

"His life must suck." Yang thought out loud, "I mean, something must've caused him to go from an infiltrator to a petty thief."

"But what caused it is the question." Weiss added in.

 **Tex** : I think that's about to change. There's a place I need to get in to and they don't want me to get in to it.

 **York** : You know, they never do? What do you think D, should we trust her?

_A glowing green avatar pops up next to his shoulder_

"Holy shit!" Ruby exclaimed, "What is that!?"

"I think it's an A.I." Blake guessed, "He's more than a thief. He used to be a Freelancer."

 **Delta** : Hmm, that depends. Is he still with her?

 **Tex** : What the, you still have yours!?

 **Delta** : ( _Changing colours to red_ ) Alarm, threat level raised. 71% chance of violent outcome.

"Actually, this guy is really accurate." Blake stated, "He must be one of the better ones."

 **York** : Okay, take it easy.

 **Delta** : ( _returning to green_ ) Chance of defeating Agent Omega Texas in combat is extremely unlikely.

"Probably kick him in the balls and beat him with his own skull." Yang muttered bitterly. She still wanted to learn how to do that.

 **Tex** : What's going on here?

 **York** : Thank you D. Look, put the weapon down Tex. Delta's not a threat to anyone, never was. You know, if anyone should be nervous about onboard passengers around here it should be me.

 **Tex** : Well don't be nervous. Omega's gone.

 **Delta** : Chance of defeating Agent Texas: still very unlikely.

"Just less ball kicking getting straight into the skull fucking." Weiss said.

 **York** : Okhay, I get it. Thank you, retire now.

 **Delta** : Executing. (shuts off)

 **York** : Let's go inside.

_Slowly cut to York and Tex inside an arbitrary building, as is their way_

**Tex** : Nice place, you furnish it yourself?

 **York** : Actually, I had an interior decorator help me. ...She's dead now.

"They really don't want to leave any loose ends, don't they?" Blake muttered.

"Well, at least she left a decent mark on the world." Yang said with a bit of a grim tone,

"Yang, that's kinda dark." Ruby said with a grimace.

 **York:** Look, Tex, are you absolutely sure he's not anywhere in that head of yours?

 **Tex** : Omega's gone. That's why I'm here.

 **York** : Oh. Let me guess: he's gone, but that's not good enough. You wanna kill him too.

 **Tex** : He spent a lot of time in my head, York. You know what it's like: whatever they think, we think. Whatever we know, they know.

 **York** : Hyheah, I'm familiar. Remember all Reggie's dumb knock-knock jokes?

"Please don't tell me they're bad as Yang's puns." Ruby groaned,

"For the love of God, they're not th-"

"Yes they are." The others quickly interrupted Yang, "Nothing can make them better."

 **Tex** : You dork, this is serious. Omega wants to do a lot of bad things. I already know where he is, I just need your help to get in.

 **York** : Why?

 **Tex** : He's not alone. Wyoming.

 **York** : Uhh, speak of the devil. Okay, let's say I do this. What's in it for me?

 **Tex** : Payback. How's the vision in your eye?

 **York** : Still blurry... Hurts when I read.

"Doesn't that remind me of someone." Blake said quietly as she glanced at the blonde,

"What?"

 **Tex** : Well then, how 'bout a little revenge?

 **York** : You know, technically, you're the reason I have one bad eye.

 **Tex** : No, technically I'm the reason you still have one good eye.

"So she caused York to lose one of his eyes, but was able to save the other." Ruby clarified,

"Well it's better to lose one eye than it is to lose both." Yang said, "I mean, he would be blind by now if Tex didn't save his other eye."

 **York** : Hhhh, whad daya think, D?

 **Delta** : ( _reappearing_ ) Agent Texas poses a serious risk to any mission. The spontaneous ejection of A.I. can be catastrophic to the psyche of an agent.

"That would explain why Caboose got even stupider." Yang said, "He had O'Malley in his head and was forcefully ejected by Tex & Church."

"And they might've worsened the problem." Blake added in, "Since they were in Caboose's mind and the left without much warning, they probably doubled the damage caused. They're not but having 4 minds in one body would probably drive him insane."

"Insane, huh?" Weiss muttered as she looked at Ruby, 'Well, Ruby's totally fucked.'

 **York** : She seems okay to me.

 **Delta** : May I remind you what happened when Program Gamma removed itself from Agent Wyoming.

 **York** : That won't be necessary, D. Look, what's your recommendation? We in or we out?

 **Delta** : Tactical Matrix is incalculable. Outcome is uncertain. Chance of success is unknown. But, a little payback would be nice.

 **York** : We're in.

"And that's what matters overall." Yang said before picking up the remote, "C'mon, we're almost finished! Next episode?" The others nodded before Yang pressed play.

**(Part IV)**

_Credits come in panning down a very tall building_

**Tex** : Okay, I'm officially worried. There hasn't been any movement for days. It looks like they've bunkered down, or left.

"He must've left for Blood Gulch by now to take care of Tucker." Ruby guessed, "Wow, it's going to be really awkward when she finds out where he's gone from the Gulch entirely."

 **York** : Yep. What do you think, D?

 **Delta** : If Omega is inside the building, we must enter to locate him. If he has already left, that building contains the only clues to his current location. In either scenario, we must-

"Get into the building either way and find his answering machine. Got it." Yang said, trying to make light of the situation.

 **York** : Let's go.

_York and Tex run along the desert plain toward the building_

**Tex** : Okay then, stick to the plan. We split, maintain visual, no radios, movement on fours. Sync?

 **York** : Synced.

 **Tex** : Go.

_York runs forward_

**Delta** : ( _in his head_ ) York, I am concerned. I have been monitoring Agent Texas, her vital statistics are well above normal.

"That's because she's a robot." Blake said, "Wait, how does she even have vitals?" Blake was now a bit suspicious now. How can a smart A.I mistake wires and batteries for vitals?

 **York** : I'm sure she's just tense, D.

_Tex runs by_

**York** : Okay? I am too, and I'm not fighting something that lived in my head for a few years.

 **Delta** : ( _appearing and running too_ ) Agree, but the anomaly is worth noting. Once we encounter the target her emotions may make her actions erratic.

"Well, so far she's kept her emotions in check." Weiss said, "Well, apart from her greed."

 **York** : What can I tell ya? Just one of the things that makes us human, D.

 **Delta** : ( _catching up_ ) Excellent point, York. I was not looking at it from a flawed perspective. I will try to do so in the future.

"'Flawed'?" Yang said, "It's called having humanity."

 **York** : Well it sure would make these conversations easier. Thanks for coming down to my level, D.

 **Delta** : I am here to assist.

_Tex and York run in to the base and join up inside_

**Tex** : No vis.

 **York** : No vis.

 **Tex** : There it is, bust the lock and this teleporter will take us up top.

 **York** : Whoa whoa, you said an encrypted lock. This is a holographic lock.

"A holographic lock? That doesn't seem like a very effective lock." Weiss said, "Then again, it could be very complex as well if they've developed technology enough."

 **Tex** : Is there a difference?

 **York** : Yeah, hence the two names.

"Kinda obvious." Blake muttered.

 **Tex** : So can you open it or not?

 **York** : Of course I can! It's just much harder. I just brought it up 'cause I wanted you to realize how kick-ass I am.

"Bragging much?" Yang muttered before giggling a little, "You know, I kinda like this guy."

"That's because you brag about us daily." Blake said in a deadpanned voice, "Why do you think everyone knows that I'm Faunus?"

"I thought Ruby blew it."

"Hey!" Ruby yelled out, "I didn't go to prom just to drunkenly announced it while the band was playing!"

"The song sucked!"

"That was one of the songs I wrote, you asshole!" Weiss exclaimed,

"It still sucked!" Weiss' eye started to twitch as she was extremely tempted to start another fight with Yang again and probably throw her out the window. But she calmed down so she wouldn't blow a fuse,

"Well, it may not have been my greatest work but at least be sensitive to my feelings, thank you." Weiss said calmly, "Now please, can we get back to watching before I possess Myrtenaster and freeze you to a wall before shaving off any hair you have on your body with rusty razor and hang you outside for the rest of the summer. Naked." Weiss said in a clear and orderly manner. Ruby & Blake were already as far away from them as possible and Yang saw a look in the Ice Mage's eyes that said that she would do it without any hesitation. After a few minutes, Weiss took Yang's silence as a yes and continued the episode.

 **Tex** : I'm convinced, get to work.

 **Delta** : ( _reappearing_ ) York, why are we doing this? Killing Omega will not repair the damage he did to your optic nerve.

 **York** : I'm not doin' it to fix my eye, D. I'm doin' it because my eye is broken.

"So Omega made Tex do it, and when Tex regain control she was able to save one of his eyes." Ruby theorized, "Now it makes sense."

 **Delta** : I apologize, but that does not make sense to me.

"…Okay." Yang said flatly.

 **York** : Omega and Allison were always the best. No one could compete with them. Not me, not Wyoming not anybody. Trying to beat them when I should have given up is how I got hurt in the first place.

 **Delta** : Oh, so it is pride. I was registering an emotion, but I incorrectly categorized it as "stupidity."

 **York** : Yeah, they're closely related.

"So close you can't even tell the difference." Yang said as she passed the remote to Ruby,

"Okay, one more episode before we... um…"

"Find a way to put me back in my body." Weiss finished for Ruby, "I don't want to spend another day without my soul in my body!"

"Right. Our mission is to find out how to put my partner back in her body!"

"Woo!" WBY cheered,

"For 200 Lien each straight from her pocket."

"Woo!" Blake & Yang cheered,

"Woo!" Weiss cheered before realizing what Ruby just said, "Wait, what? HEY!"

"I'm joking." Ruby said with a giggle, "Anyway, time to watch the final episode of Out of Mind!" Ruby declared as she dramatically lifted the remote up before slowly aiming it at the TV and pressing play.

**(Part V)**

_Credits come in over Tex preparing for battle, and York opening the teleporter_

**Tex** : Okay I'll take the lead. Give me fifteen seconds then follow, sync?

 **York** : Sync.

_Tex runs through the teleporter_

**York** : I need you to stay tight D, watch my bad side.

 **Delta** : Of course, watching left. Execute in, three, two, one, execute. Good luck.

 **York** : Thanks.

"That's not good." Blake said, "He has a big weak spot on his left side and if Delta warns him about something coming on his left, he might not have much time to react."

"He should've quit the military sooner." Weiss muttered, "No, he has to quit now. It's not worth it if he has a high risk of getting killed because of his disability."

"Hey, Tex is dead and you don't see her complaining." Yang pointed out,

"But she can still die." Ruby whispered to herself, "And if her body is too damaged she won't be able to get back up until she gets another one."

_York runs through the teleporter and joins the firefight_

**York** : Tex, sitrep!

 **Tex** : Five of them at three six and three O!

"Uh… what?" Yang asked, "I don't understand what she just said."

"That's the point Yang." Blake replied, "Military code is hard to translate and somewhat confusing. Even I don't know what the hell she just said."

 **Delta** : Three Alpha mark. I do believe I've received the next part of the sentence.

 **Tex** : ( _shooting one_ ) Dead one at three, one down, cover my thirteen!

"Yep, definitely confusing." Ruby said, wondering why Tex just said 13 while there's only 12 hours on a clock.

 **Delta** : Problem, beta and small explosives needed.

"I think that means grenade." Weiss said, 'Never heard that in Call of Duty.'

 **York** : Ace?

 **Tex** : Y, stop thinking! Go low!

 **York** : Copy.

 **Tex** : Next reload, let's split up, you go Bravo.

 **York** : Copy. D, need a speaker for mark.

 **Delta** : Speaker active.

 **Tex** : Copy.

 **Delta** : Mark.

 **Tex and York** : Mark!

_Tex and York run out and slaughter everyone_

**Delta** : Reloading. Three. Enemy eliminated. 92% efficiency. 36 rounds of 39 fired.

"This is actually very organized attack. They're out numbered but they're mowing them down like it's nothing." Blake said, impressed that there's some serious military action going on.

 **Tex** : Dammit, jam! Cover, cover cover!

_Wyoming fires at York on his way by_

**Delta** : Alarm!

_Wyoming hits York on his vulnerable left side. Tex throws a grenade to move Wyoming away_

"Damn it!" Yang exclaimed, "Fucking Wyoming." She said through gritted teeth,

"I was right." Blake muttered to herself in a grim tone,

"He should've stayed back." Weiss muttered,

"Oh come on! I liked York!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Tex** : York, are you okay?

 **York** : It's that damn left side.

 **Tex** : D, info.

 **Delta** : York has sustained two wounds to his upper-left chest. Recommend evac stat.

"He's not going to make it. He's not fucking going to make it." Weiss said as she shook her head.

 **York** : Just, need a minute. Heahh.

 **Delta** : Administering field stint, and analgesic.

 **York** : Wait, Tex, don't, don't let 'im-

 **Delta** : York is now unconscious. Alarm: target Alpha has reloaded.

"He's going to kill Tex if she doesn't get out of there." Blake said, "She has to leave now, no time to bury the dead."

 **Tex** : How bad is it D?

 **Delta** : York will not survive.

Yang sighed sadly as Delta gave the confirmation, "I hope someone kills the bastard." She whispered to herself.

 **Tex** : Okay D, hop in to me. I'll host you until we get outta this.

 **Delta** : Thank you Allison, but I would prefer to stay, with York. He will need me to maintain his pain medication.

"He wants York to die painlessly." Ruby said,

"And that's what you get for having sentient A.I." Yang told Weiss, "Sometimes, they're more human than humans themselves."

 **Tex** : An A.I. can't fall in to enemy hands, D. If you're in there when he dies, you know what the armour's protocol will do to you.

 **Delta** : I would prefer to stay with York.

 **Tex** : That's very kind of you D.

 **Delta** : It's just part of what makes us human, Tex.

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Yang said as she wiped away a tear.

_Tex walks out toward Wyoming, who shoots her in the front... a lot... but she doesn't go down. Instead, she turns in to a hologram, and the real Tex flanks him unawares_

"Okay, when did she get a hologram thingy?" Yang asked in disbelief,

"Another wonder of the Red vs Blue universe." Blake answered.

 **Tex** : Don't move.

 **Wyoming** : How in bloody hell?

 **Tex** : Thanks for the light show, D.

 **Delta** : I'm here to assist.

"Well, another wonder solved." Ruby said.

 **Wyoming** : Bollocks.

 **Delta** : However I am afraid I will not be able to assist you further. York's armour is beginning to shut down.

 **Tex** : I understand.

 **Delta** : Good luck to both of you.

 **Wyoming** : Both of us? You must be failing if you wish your enemy luck.

 **Delta** : Good and evil are human constructs, Reginald. I was merely attempting to be courteous. ( _shuts down)_

"That's actually a wise and logical phrase." Blake said, "No one is good or evil. They just want to do what they think is right or to their benefit."

 **Wyoming** : Well one more Freelancer gone. I'm afraid the reunion committee will be none to happy to hear about that.

 **Tex** : Can it. Tell me where Omega is and don't play dumb with me.

 **Wyoming** : Hardly. I do believe our dear Omega is currently killing all your friends in that miserable canyon.

"Actually, he's either helping Tucker puke into a bucket or somewhere in Command's systems." Weiss said.

 **Tex** : What? Why?

 **Wyoming** : I might have mentioned you were there. He's quite keen to make your acquaintance again.

 **Tex** : But you saw me at the snow fortress!

 **Wyoming** : Tex may I remind you I still have a contract on some of those people at Blood Gulch. I figured why not kill eight birds with one stone, eh?

"Fucking Vic." The RWBYs muttered bitterly.

 **Tex** : Well, you just signed his death warrant.

 **Wyoming** : Afraid not my dear. You see he's already moved on to someone else, and you'll have no way of telling who.

 **Tex** : Who did he jump in to?

 **Wyoming** : Huh, hmhmhm, that dear Tex is between me and Omega. Oh, but you'll find out soon enough.

 **Tex** : You know what? You don't have to tell me. All I have to do is pummel you senseless, rip off your helmet, and access your communication logs. I'll know exactly where he is.

"That's one way." Yang said, "Or you can FUCKING-(AN: Uh… yeah, um… I can't make anything up that accurately describes how badly she wants Wyoming dead, plus my laziness and time constraints, so imagine as many bleeps as you can imagine in 5 minutes before continuing this chapter)-WITH A RUSTY SPOON!" The others were in horror on the description of what Yang wanted Tex to do to Wyoming, and knew it was another nightmare they had to experience before they got any sleep,

"So… you want Tex to kill Wyoming?" Blake asked in a flat tone,

"I want  _anyone_ to kill him. Over and over and over again."

"Okay… let's get back to the episode." Ruby said as they all went back to watching.

 **Wyoming** : Uh, hm. I see. Well in that case, perhaps I shall tell you.

 **Tex** : Nah, I like my way better.

_Tex knocks out Wyoming_

"Oh. That's done." Ruby said as everyone relaxed, "Well, that was surprising."

"Yeah." Weiss responded, "I didn't see any stupid stuff. This Mini Series is actually quite serious."

"Yeah. At least we had a break from Blood Gulch." Blake said,

"So… what do we do now?" Yang asked,

"Well, first, help me get back my body  _you keep forgetting to do!"_ Weiss exclaimed, "And you have to say my songs awesome."

"One, we'll do that as soon as possible. Two," She then leaned into Weiss' ear, "I never liked them."

"What?" Weiss growled out, thoroughly getting pissed. She didn't think and whispered out the first thing that came to her mind and into Yang's ear,

"I always hated your hair."

(2 seconds later)

"TAKE IT BACK!" Yang, on fire and all, yelled as she lifted Weiss' soul up into the air, 'I'm going to die. I'm going to freaking die.' Weiss thought as she saw her life flash before her, "TAKE IT BACK YOU BITCH!"

"Yang calm down!" Blake yelled out, "Ruby, for the love of God, SING!"

"I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING!" Ruby yelled out, hiding behind Blake, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"TAKE IT BACK!" Yang repeated,

"I'M SORRY!" Weiss yelled out, not wanting to go to the afterlife,

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Yang was too angry to even hear her own thoughts, let alone the other RWBYs yelling out that Weiss apologized. Yang finally had enough and closed her eyes and let loose a throw in a fit of rage, without thinking of the consequences. There was a silence in the room as Yang calmed down. The others looked around couldn't see the ghost of the Heiress anywhere, "Weiss?" Yang asked quietly fearing the worst. If she did what she think she just did, she's fucked. If she's somewhere in the mortal plain, she's still fucked. They waited for a few seconds before they started hearing something.

A groan.

They all turned to Weiss' bed and heard the girl in white groan, "Ugh…" Weiss groaned, now back in her body, as she started to get up from her bed, "Why am I so tired?" Weiss said tiredly as she leaned on a wall. It took her a few seconds to realize what she was doing.

She was leaning on a wall. Not fazing through the wall. Not transparent. Not a ghost.

"Yang…" Weiss said quietly,

"Y-Yes?" Yang responded fearfully, scared that she was pissed. Another silence fell upon the room as Weiss gathered up her energy before she yelled out two words,

"THANK YOU!"

"Huh? WHOA!" Yang yelled as Weiss jumped her and started hugging her 'savior'. Weiss couldn't express how much joy she felt about getting her body back so she started to do what her mind started to tell her and started kissing Yang's cheek. It was starting to feel awkward for Yang so she was going to tell Weiss to stop.

Until both of their worlds shattered right in front of their eyes.

They were there for what seemed like a eternity, frozen, in shock of what they just did. All colour drained from their faces as they saw into each other's eyes that they've made a grave mistake.

They stole each other's first kiss.

Sure, they dated a few guys but it never went past hugging and kissing their cheeks. So, they laid there, frozen, until Weiss snapped out of it and got off the busty blonde, who stood up a few seconds later,

"We shall never speak of this. Ever." Yang said, still shivering from the event. Weiss couldn't form words so she just nodded. Then they realized something else. They turned to the girls who had watched the event. They two walked up to the girls and poked them to confirm their frozen state. But Weiss poked too hard on Ruby and caused her to collapse onto the floor. Yang did the same with Blake and ended up with the same results. They both silently agreed to put them into the infirmary and never speak about the event and bring it to their death beds. As Weiss dragged Ruby to her bed and Yang piggy-backing Blake, they never saw the smirk on the cat girl's face,

' _Pulling out the big guns.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	36. JNPR-Waking Up Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from the Trocadero webpage, and is not owned by me. All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Py…

…y…ra

Pyrh…

Pyrrha…

"PYRRHA, WAKE UP!" Nora yelled at the Amazon with a bullhorn. Pyrrha's snapped open as she flopped out of her bed and landed face first onto the ground. She groaned as she slowly got up and took the bullhorn away from the talkative girl,

"Nora, I thought we threw this away." Pyrrha said as she rubbed the sore spot on her forehead,

"Hey, you weren't waking up so we gave it to her." Sun told them as he dealt out a few cards while chuckling. Pyrrha then realized that she was on a bus. Not just any bus, it looked like they were going on tour, "You should've seen the look on your face!" The Warrior glared at the Monkey Faunus. Currently on the bus was herself, Nora and RVIW, with them playing Poker. Jaune & Ren were driving behind the b us in Tex's truck. Pyrrha was about to ask how or why they were on a tour bus when she suddenly got a headache,

"Ugh… what happened?"

"I don't know." Hiro said as he checked his cards, "I found you knocked out in an alleyway while you were out."

"Out?"

"Don't you remember?" Velvet asked, "You were dropping off our money in the bank. We gave you our numbers and everything!"

"I did?" Pyrrha groaned as she saw there was a bottle of aspirin on the counter. As she grabbed it and started pouring herself a glass of water, she was trying to remember what she did after that night. She remembered something about going to the bank the next day but that was about it. Everything was a blur after that, "How long was I out?"

"5 days." Nora answered, "Jaune was worried you wouldn't wake up but I knew you'd pull through." Nora was relieved to see her teammate waking up. She even started doubting she would wake up after a few days passed, "So… what were you dreaming about?"

"Huh?" Pyrrha wasn't paying attention as she was still dealing with the fact that she has been in a coma for about a week. She was stronger than that. She must've gotten blindsided wh-"Wait, what happened to the money we had?"

"Stolen." Hiro sighed out as he folded, "Some asshole must've gotten you in the back of the head. Lucky I went out to buy some food, or else something worse might've happened to you." Hiro then sighed as Penny showed her cards, "Oh, COME ON!"

"I win the Poker!" Penny cheered as she drew in her ever growing pile of chips, "I now have approximately 4 thousand fake Lien, excluding tax deduction."

"Are you sure you're not a robot?" Hiro asked, before getting his head smacked by Velvet,

"Don't be insensitive!" Velvet scolded the boy in black, 'Even though I think she is. I mean, she bleeding has my entire lifesavings!'

"So, where are we going?" Pyrrha asked, now feeling like herself again,

"We're going to another city to make some money to get ourselves home." Sun said as he passed the cards to Velvet,

"How?"

"Singing, of course!" Nora answered enthusiastically, "Hiro said that we'll be busking on the street and make money that way!"

"Busking?"

"Street performing." Hiro said as he threw his chips in,

"So… we'll be hobos?"

"We'll be  _singing_  and  _dancing_ hobos." Hiro said as he went all in, "All we need now is songs to sing for a couple of hours. And I know just the songs we can play. Jaune helped me pick them."

"What songs?" Pyrrha asked as she turned on her Scroll. If it wasn't on the list, she was screwed,

"Me & Jaune decided to do it based on albums. RVIW has Flying By Wire. JNPR gets Ghosts That Lingers." Pyrrha gave a sigh of relief. As they avoided any character song they were good, "Anyway, we'll be getting to the city in a couple of days so you better get Nora to help you learn how to play them."

"Okay." Pyrrha said as she grabbed a guitar. She was about to go into the back with Nora when she realized something, "Hey, who's driving the bus?" There was pause in the Poker game as Hiro groaned,

"God dammit, I just won." Hiro muttered as he stood up, "Uh… I'll be right back." He said as he moved to the front of bus. A few seconds later, the road was a lot smoother and less 'In the middle of nowhere'. Pyrrha wondered how the bus was even running, before shaking it off and moving to the back of the bus with Nora.

She had songs to play.

(A few days later)

(With JNPR)

"Pyrrha, you okay?" Jaune asked as they set up their equipment. They chose a spot in the middle of a park where they were sure lots of people would walk by,

"I'm fine Jaune. I'm perfectly healthy." Pyrrha answered as she tuned her guitar and made sure mic was good. She was starting to get a bit more sleep now which made her relax a lot more. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that made her lose all the money from the competition. Sure, her team & RVIW forgave her but she couldn't help but blame herself for getting robbed. She was surprised that they didn't take anything else from her or kidnap her. It was strange but it didn't matter now. They needed to make some major Lien if they wanted to get home, "Anyway, when are we starting?"

"Now I guess." Jaune said as Ren, who was on keyboard, gave the signal to start. He grabbed his bass and cleared his throat before approaching the microphone, "Alright, we're JNPR and we're doing a few songs for today. Please donate to the JNPR fund and help us get back home." He then looked at Nora, who was on drums, started one of the songs. It was going to be a long day.

(With RVIW)

"Okay, I just got a call from Ren and he said they're playing now." Hiro informed the band as they got set up. They were in the city, with their equipment set up underneath a statue of some important figure with a few benches scattered around for people who wanted to listen, a good place to start. Hiro and Velvet were singing and playing guitar and bass respectively, Sun on drums and Penny on keyboard. Hiro looked to make sure his band mates were ready before he started talking into the microphone, "Okay, we are RVIW and we need to get back home. We're playing a few songs today and we hope some of you out there will donate to the RVIW, Go Home Fund. We're starting off with uh… Hero Superstar so sit back and I hope you enjoy!" Hiro then started playing, cuing the song.

 **Hiro & Velvet: **Set my watch to, your time, my time is slow…

Tune my strings to, your song, my song is slow…

And I can't play the six string.

And I can't play the six string.

And I can't play the six string…!

I'm gonna be a guitar

Hero Superstar

Whenever you are

There ain't nothing that I'd rather be doing with you

( _Guitar solo!)_

Don't move, too fast, ready, steady, go…

Don't move, too slow, ready, steady go…

Still I can't play the six string.

Still I can't play the six string.

Still I can't play the six string…!

I'm gonna be a guitar

Hero Superstar

Whenever you are

There ain't nothing that I'd rather be doing with you

And I know we'll be alright…

When it's day, you say good night…

I'm gonna be a guitar

Hero Superstar

Whenever you are

There ain't nothing that I'd rather be doing with you!

When they stopped playing, they found out a crowd had formed around the band, hell even a few hundred Lien was already in the guitar case Hiro put down, "Thank you! Thank you! We'll be here all day, just keep donating!" Hiro said as he started the next song.

(With JNPR)

While that was happening, JNPR also had attracted a crowd. They had more people listening but less money made. Jaune knew it was enough money for food for a week but it's didn't hurt to earn back all the money they've lost, "Thank you everyone for coming, next we'll be playing Colours! I hope you enjoy!" Jaune called out. The crowd cheered, causing the team to smile. Jaune started the song as they started to sing.

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **Cyan is, the sparkle in sky

Yellow sun, reflected in your eye

Red flows through, the passion in your art

Cobalt Blue, the wisdom in your heart!

When we're together…

Colours don't matter much to us!

When we're together…

8-bits is enough for us!

Corazon feathers…

Flying inside a copper line!

When we're together…

They are yours and they are mine!

( _Instrumental break!)_

Dark is for, the killer that's inside

Light surrounds, the goodness that you hide

Purple hearts, are tugging at our sleeve

We stole fire, now there's nothing left to thieve!

When we're together…

Colours don't matter much to us!

When we're together…

8-bits is enough for us!

Corazon feathers…

Flying inside a copper line!

When we're together…

They are yours and they are mine!

The crowd cheered again as they yelled out more. The team couldn't help but be flattered by the applause. Jaune looked at them and they nodded. They wanted to do the extra song they practiced, "Okay, you want more? You got it! We're doing Contact! Ready, guys?"

"Ready." Ren said as he changed the sounds his keyboard played,

"Ready to rock!" Nora yelled out as she twirled her sticks in the air,

"Ready." Pyrrha answered with a smile. Jaune smiled back as Nora started whistling.

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **We've been here so long...

Still I remember

The rainy September

Contact...

Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten

Am I transmitting?

Is anyone listening?

Contact...

Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten

Am I still willing

To foot all this billing?

Contact...!

We are green and grey...

The longness of semper

Still I remember

Contact...

Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten

Am I transmitting?

Is anyone listening?

Contact...!

( _Instrument break!)_

Riding on our shiny metal horses

Singing a rider's song...

One of will be forgotten

The other one's be wrong...

Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten

Am I still willing

To foot all this billing?

Contact...!

When I think of you...

Your name's in the sky

Ninety feet high

Contact...!

( _Instrument break!)_

Riding on our shiny metal horses

Singing a rider's song

One of will be forgotten

The other one's be wrong...!

 

After a few more sings, the crowd dispersed at the end as night started to fall upon them. The teams met up back at the bus and count their money, "We have approximately 2000.83 Lien in these two guitar cases." Penny counted as soon the cases were put on the table RVIW used for Poker,

"Are you sure you're not a ro-OW!" Hiro got interrupted with Velvet slapping the back of his head, "Sorry!" He then sighed, "We just have enough for enough fuel and food for the next city. We need to work at a proper place rather than in the street."

"How? We're not aware of anyone needing a band." Ren pointed out, "We've been lucky so far but we'll eventually run out of money and we be able to move on."

"Apart from some concert in the next city." Sun said as he pulled out a flyer from out of nowhere. Pyrrha took it and read it,

"It says here that there's a special concert just a few days from here and that we'll be paid 100 Lien each and, if the audience likes our song, 1000 Lien. All we need to do is write a song based on a topic." Pyrrha said as she got a soda from the fridge,

"What's the topic?" Jaune asked as he hauled RVIW's equipment inside the bus. Pyrrha opened the can and scanned the flyer to see the topic, but didn't find anything about it. All there was just the words 'Opposites Attack'. She had a feeling what it was but shook it off. It was nonsense! No one could know about that except for herself, Duster and the W- "Well, what did it say?"

"It doesn't say anything about the topic. Just 'Opposites Attack'." Pyrrha answered as she set down her drink,

"I have a feeling that I know what the topic is." Hiro muttered as he smirked. Pyrrha narrowed her eyes before they shut as she yawned. They realized what time it was so they all went to different places to sleep. Pyrrha took Tex's truck as he bed for the night as she got herself comfortable and went to sleep. She started to dream about coming home to her family, meeting up with old friends, shadows, finally getting Jaune to date he-

'Huh?' She thought as she realized what ran through her mind as her dream started to change.

She instantly recognized it as the town they were in a week ago. She saw herself walking down the street with the cheques in hand before turning a corner. She decided to follow herself and find out what happened. When she caught up with herself, she saw that she was in an alleyway, probably the same one she was found in. What surprised her was that her dream-self went and hid behind a trashcan. She wondered why until she saw shadows battling one another in the alley, with one of the shadows winning. It was too blurry to see who the shadow was or what was happening but after a few minutes, the smallest shadow was left standing, seemingly unhurt. She heard her dream-self gasp as the shadow turned around, but never revealed his/her face to the Real Pyrrha. The Dream Pyrrha got out her weapons and started battling the smaller shadow. She realized now that the shadow had taken down the other shadows with wrist-mounted dart launchers, with the darts apparently made out of metal as she saw herself use her polarity Semblance to deflect them away. She saw the shadow switch the ammo in his dart launcher. She wonder what it was until another thought ran through her head,

'Toothpicks?' Suddenly, a small pain ran through her arm before going numb. She realized now that her Semblance was useless now and that shadow must know about acupuncture because she just saw the Dream Pyrrha kneel down, her right arm and her left leg now useless and her sword thrown away. But she knew that she wouldn't give up as she saw herself stand up and start attacking the shadow with only her shield. She smiled to see that she went down fighting. Heck, it looked like she was winning, even when the shadow picked up her sword and started using it for itself. She had to admit he was a natural. What finally got was another shadow which came out of nowhere, who whacked her right in the back of the head with a blunt object. The dream went black after that. She knew now that she must've saw something she shouldn't have and stole the Lien as compensation. But what really got her, right before she woke up, was the voice right before she fully went into that coma.

"Hell, she owes a new truck anyway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	37. Boned (You Can't Park Here, Got Your Back, Baby Steps)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is Rooster Teeth property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

' _Soon, my plan will come into fruition. Just you wait, Pussy.'_

It was another day as Beacon Academy, just like any other day. The sun was shining down with its intensive waves, the birds were singing a merry song and the men, women and children of Remnant started to wake up and start their day full of happiness and cheer, as they all went to work or hung out with their friends, enjoying summer to its fullest. It was certainly the perfect summer to many, if not everyone in world.

Too bad the RWBYs would never experience that. Especially when your friends are driving you insane, your day is spent doing the same thing over and over again for the past month along with many other things that would drive one insane, including yourself. So, we open up this chapter with Yang & Weiss, the only members of the team still retaining their consciousness, sitting down in the library, trying to break the daily routine of walking around and training for something a little bit more… personal, if will.

"Y-You… wh-wh-what?" Yang said in disbelief as she stared at the blushing heiress. It was times like these where Weiss wished she was a ghost again. She knew she never should've taken Yang's idea. But… she so bored that she couldn't help it and blurted it out. It was shameless and outright barbaric, but her own boredom had consumed her made her tell her deepest, darkest secret,

"Y-Yes." Weiss said as she nodded quickly as she squirmed in her seat,

"And you,"

"Y-Yep."

"And th-then you,"

"Y-Yes." Right now, Weiss couldn't look into Yang's lilac eyes so she stared at the ground. She was pretty sure her face was about as red as Ruby's cloak. Yang just leaned back on her chair, trying to take in the new information. She knew she had some dark secrets but…

"You, the Pure Heiress of the Schnee Dust Company, the second-in-command, the W in the greatest team in Beacon history, the person who fought Cinder Falls and lived, and the person who had died and be revived in two days,"

"Thank you Yang, by the way." Weiss said as she smiled warmly. Yang giggled a little before continuing,

"Anyway, you, Weiss Schnee, have a fetish… for sharks." Weiss' smile melted into an embarrassed look as she started shivering,

"N-Not sharks." Weiss corrected a bit nervously, "Sh-Sh-Shark  _P-P-Plushies_."

"Right…" Yang drawn out the word as she rolled her eyes, "And having shark penises makes it all better."

"T-Th-T-They're n-n-not real!" Weiss exclaimed before quietly muttering, "I-I sew them on…" Yang couldn't help it but laugh in her face as she fell of her chair. Weiss got mad as Yang's reaction, "I-I-It ga-gets l-l-l-lonely i-in m-my r-ro-r-room!" Yang just laughed even harder, much to Weiss' embarrassment. She just wanted her life to be over. But since suicide wasn't the answer and she definitely didn't want to be a ghost again, she decided to change the subject, "H-Have you found a way out of the school yet?" Yang slowly stopped laughing as she got back in her chair,

"Not really." Yang answered, "Why are you even asking? The airships are long gone and there's no way off campus."

"Oh come on, Yang! Professor Ozpin wasn't that dumb enough not to have other ways out of the school!"

"Weiss, the only way out of Beacon was the airships and the side entrance not many people know about. That's it." Yang told the Heiress. Yang felt smart as soon as she saw Weiss' face. It couldn't be replicated. Hell, she wished she didn't smash her Scroll so she could take a picture of this wonderful moment,

"Yang." Weiss said flatly, gaining the blonde's attention back,

"Yeah?"

"There is a side entrance. To Beacon. Right there since the academy was built." Yang was confused now, 'What is Weiss talking about it? All I said that there was… a…' Suddenly, Yang connected the dots and it all clicked. Throughout the school, a 'THERE'S A FUCKING SIDE EXIT!' could be heard.

(A few minutes later…)

"THERE IT IS!" Yang yelled out as the two girls ran towards the side exit. It was elegant, yet simple at the same time, with the school logo on each door. It was rusted though, like no one had used that entrance for years. But to Weiss & Yang, it was like God sending down the greatest gift known to mankind. For a month and one week now, they had hope. The hope of escaping the nightmare. To escape Beacon and go their separate ways, "IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!" Yang exclaimed as they stopped in front of the entrance, as she collapsed onto the ground and cried happy tears,

"It's okay, Yang. Cry." Weiss told her as she cried freely as well. They were so close to freedom now. All they needed to do was smash the lock and open gates. After letting the tears run out of their systems and agreeing to get Blake & Ruby as soon as they make to Vale, Yang walked up to the entrance. She took in a deep breath, cracked her knuckles and proceeded to check if the rusty lock could break easily.

Then the defenses kicked in.

Next thing Weiss knew, a red grid appeared in front of Yang just as she was about to touch it. She was too late to warn Yang as the Brawler got shocked with roughly the power of a lightning bolt cast from Dust. Which were about two-thirds as powerful as a real one. Weiss winced as she saw Yang on the floor, twitching, as smoke came off her. She even saw Yang's skeleton, and it was not pretty to see, "Yang, are you okay?" Weiss asked. Yang slowly stood up, shook off the soot,

"I am fine." Yang said robotically, "Perhaps another attempt may be successful and will unlock this gate."

"No, wa-" Once again, Weiss was too late as she saw her friend get shocked the same way she did a few seconds ago. As soon as Yang was conscious again, Weiss helped her up,

"I'm fine. I'm fine." Yang said breathlessly, but most importantly normal, as she shook off any shocks running through her body and stood on her own weight, "Maybe if I try again…" She muttered as she started walking towards the gate again, before Weiss used her glyphs to restrain her, "Huh? Hey! Let me go!"

"Yang! For the love of God! You will die, if you touch the gate again." Weiss said slowly, fearing that the electrical shocks may have damaged her brain. She quickly used her Scroll to check the Brawler's brain and, to her complete shock, saw that it was normal, which worried her to no end. And now that she noticed, she does smell something very familiar… Weiss quickly shook her head of all in-pure thoughts and focused on Yang, "Okay Yang, I'll release you from my glyph. If you try and touch the grid again, I will be forced to restrain you for the rest of your life and/or become Schnee property for your own safety. Are. We. Clear?"

"Yes Weiss..." Yang answered, like this was the hundredth time she's heard that threat. Weiss let the glyph dissipate and waited a few minutes to see if the blonde was still going for the gate, "So… shark plushies, huh?"

"God fucking damn it." Weiss muttered, still regretting her decision. Then her watch beeped, indicating Weiss it was time to check-up on Ruby & Blake, "Well, I better get going. It's time for Ruby and Blake's check-up."

"I'll go with you." Yang said as they started walking back to Beacon, "Okay, I've been through that gate hundreds of times, so why does it have a fucking defense system!?"

"Well, considering all the Grimm and henchmen Roman sent out 2 months ago, it's not much of a surprise."

"But when the hell did they install it!? The thing would have to cover Beacon, Emerald Forest and Forever Fall!"

"Well, we were gone for a long time on that mission…" Weiss muttered to herself. She knew it wasn't a good idea to take it, considering it took a full month to complete. But she was wondering  _how_ they got it up. It was just another mystery in the school of Beacon, "Anyway, the past is the past, and in no way we're getting out of here. Let's just get through the summer."

"By now… it's more about survival than anything else." Yang said as they spent the rest of the walk in silence. When they got to the school grounds and started making their way to the infirmary, they started to get somewhat nervous, for both Ruby & Blake and for themselves. Ruby was still knocked out after finishing another season of Red vs Blue, only this time, she was accompanied by Blake. It had been an entire week and the two were starting to get worried. They checked both of their brain activity and it was pretty random and unreadable to the app. Oh, and things got really awkward between Yang & Weiss. They were still… uncomfortable after the kiss the two had. They  _tried_ to forget about it and remain friends but they couldn't help but think about it. Did a guy's kiss feel different? Does it count? Who stole their first kiss first? And with the knowledge of what Phase Ruby was going into next didn't make them feel any better… even though Weiss secretly wanted a bit of "loving" in hopes to increase her breast size to at least Ruby's level. Weiss had to admit to herself that Yang was right and she really was 'flat as a board'. As they walked, Weiss had one question,

"Yang, there's something I have to know." Weiss said out of the blue,

"What?" Yang simply asked. Weiss took in a deep breath, fighting the blush at the sheer embarrassment from the question, 'Why me?'

"How did Perverted Ruby come… into existence?" Things went quiet as Yang stopped walking, before catching up to Weiss and rubbing the back of her neck,

"To be honest, I have no freaking clue."

"EH!?" Weiss was definitely not expecting that answer, "Then how-!?"

"I don't know! All I remember was waking up one day and she was fucking sucking on m-" Yang didn't finish as they heard a loud crash, coming from the infirmary. Weiss just sighed,

"Looks like she's up and at it." Weiss said flatly as she rubbed the bridge of her nose,

"Yup, we better stop her before she gropes Blake in her sleep." Yang said as she activated her gauntlets and it to propel her forward,

"What the fuck!?" Weiss exclaimed as she saw the hole in the floor, "Yang!"

"It's way more fun this way!" Yang yelled from down the hall as she kept up her rhythm of landing a shooting. Weiss sighed with an annoyed look on her face before getting out Myrtenaster and casted some Speed glyphs to catch up to the fiery blonde. They didn't know but it was going to be the longest day in their lives.

(A few seconds later…)

As they approached the infirmary, they could hear moans before being followed by giggles, getting clearer the closer they got. They stopped right in front of the infirmary door and pressed their ears against it to confirm where the sounds were coming from. Ruby was definitely awake but what surprised them was the sound of a second voice, "Huh?" They two got out,

"It sounds like Blake's awake…" Weiss whispered to Yang as they stepped back, 'I have a bad feeling about this.'

"But…" Yang said, "There's something… off about Blake."

"How?"

"I don't know but," Yang then cocked her gauntlets, "I'm not taking any chances." Weiss knew what she was going to do and quickly grabbed her arms,

"Wait a minute Yang. Before we jump to conclusions, we need to assess the situation."

"You mean eavesdropping?" Weiss was about to argue that it wasn't eavesdropping and was merely collecting information from a obscured location but instead, she just sighed and casted a glyph that would act like a speaker on the door so they could hear the conversation without having to press their ear against it. Simple and elegant. But what they were hearing in the room was anything but,

"Ooooooooh Noire-chan, you naughty little girl. Who would've thought someone like you was in there?" One voice they heard said, "Oh my God, they're soooo firm." The two outside blushed, knowing who the voice was,

"Ruby…" Weiss shivered, "It is time."

"Wait a minute," Yang muttered to herself as the two inside proceeded to giggle, "She just said 'Noire'. Who the fuck is Noire? And what is she doing with my sister!?" Yang then cocked her gauntlets (again) and was about to charge at the door, only to be held back by the Ice Mage,

"Collecting information, Yang. Nothing more." Weiss whispered to her. Yang calmed down enough to stand down and collect the information needed,

" _The same could be said about you too, Ruby-chan."_ Another voice said, _"Oh dear God, that's hot. More. More! MORE! YES! YES! YES!_ "

*Mental glass shattering*

"BLAKE!?" The two outside the infirmary exclaimed as they stepped back from the door. When they heard moans coming from the door, they knew they had to act now, before this 'Noire' raped their Leader who would happily accept it,

"Fuck getting info, let's fuck shit up!" Yang yelled out as she (once again) cocks her gauntlets, "You know, this is gonna suck, right?"

"Please don't say suck." Weiss quickly responded as she got out her weapon and shakily grabbed the doorknob, "On the count of three. One."

"Wait, is it 1-2-3 then go or is it go on three?"

"Are we really having this conversation right now?"

"Well it's important to clarify!"

"Is that a…" They suddenly heard Ruby's voice from the door, who was clearly in disbelief,

" _Yes it is._ " The other person, Noire, answered with an audible smirk on her face,

"Fuck it." Weiss & Yang said in unison as they ran at the door, "THREETWOONEGO!" They then slammed door open and was about to unleash hell on the scene, when they came across a scene they didn't really want to see. Ruby was fine. She had her normal clothes on and everything. But what they didn't expect was who Noire was. She looked exactly like Blake except with lust pink irises. Her outfit was basically her ninja outfit if she was a stripper, a couple breast sizes bigger than Blake and she had fangs. All the qualities of a succubus. Or a sexy vampire. Okay, in all honesty, she pretty goddamn sexy to the team. And Yang couldn't help but do a mental 'Kawaii!', seeing the Faunus' ears be more pronounced. They weren't bigger but something about them made them stand out more. Anyway, the scene was just the two perverts sharing their porn collections and pictures of people.

Pictures of people they Photoshopped naked. And yes, that includes everyone they know, including themselves.

"Hm… no… that's not right." Ruby said as she studied the photo Noire showed her, "Pyrrha's nipples are brown, not pink. And Ren is way bigger than that."

" _Hey, you try and Photoshop a foursome_." Noire said as she took the photo back. She then noticed the frozen girls at the door, " _Oh, we didn't see you there. I'm glad you could join us, we were about to move onto Freezer Burn. Ruby did this and her pictures are… simply exquisite._ " It literally took a good five minutes for the non-perverted girls to process the scene, unfreeze themselves and yell out,

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING!?"

"Oh, just going through precious memories." Ruby answered as she picked up another photo. She giggled a perversely and showed the picture to Yang & Weiss, "Like this moment. Oh, you two looked so cute together." Now they were mortified. It was moment where they stole each other's first kiss, but Photoshopped to look like they were naked and that Yang was fingering Weiss. While Yang was, once again, frozen, Weiss saw the Blake imposter and quickly grabbed her,

"Okay, who are you!? What have you done to Blake!? WHEN DID YOU TAKE THAT PHOTO!? I WANT TO BURN IT BEFORE I KICK YOUR-Huh?" Weiss stopped screaming when she saw Noire twirling a pair of white panties with her finger, "Who's that?"

" _Hm… well to answer your questions: My name is Daisy Noire Belladonna but call me Noire, Pussy is somewhere safe, a week ago with a hidden camera, you can't. You have no fucking chance and these,_ " She then placed it on Weiss' tiara, " _Are yours._ " She then shared a laugh with her perverted friend as Weiss froze on the spot and let go of the girl in black, " _Now, if you would excuse me, I would like to watch Season 5 of Red vs Blue so I'll be in your dorm setting things up._ " She then dashed off with an even faster speed than Blake,

"Oh Yang-onee-chan~" Ruby sang out in a playful tone, "We still haven't finished what we started all those years ago, have we?" Yang snapped out of it as Ruby jumped off her bed,

"Wait, what are you," Yang didn't finish as Ruby dashed past her in a cloud of roses before appearing outside. Yang couldn't see Ruby's symbol on her shoulder as she looked at her perverted little sister,

"Ruby, what did you just d-"

"Rose Break." Ruby said casually as she dashed off to find her new friend,

"Oh shit." Yang groaned before she exploded into rose petals. Weiss was blasted back into reality as she heard the explosion. She looked back and saw in disbelief what Ruby did to her adopted sis. All she had was her gauntlets, and nothing else, "Now I remember where she got it from." Yang muttered, not even bothering to cover herself up to punish herself for letting the young girl watch Highschool DxD, "Well, at least I have a back-up plan."

"You do?" Weiss asked, still processing everything that had happened,

"Yep. Because I know the weakness to Rose Break." Yang said as she dashed out of the room, "Don't wait up for me!" Weiss was left alone now, with Ruby & Noire doing who knows what and Yang streaking around the school,

"Fuck My Life." Weiss said as she fainted on the spot (AN: jgresidentevil everyone!).

(2 hours later…)

(RWBY's dorm)

After Weiss woke up and the room was set up for another season of Red vs Blue, all they had to do was wait for Yang to arrive back at the dorm. Weiss really wanted to kill her since she was alone with the two perverts and if she had to be a victim of groping and molestation she should at least have a friend to suffer with her. She was certain Ruby was planning to do some dirty things to her and this Noire had a lot of questions to answer concerning her Faunus teammate. Blake never really went deep into her past apart from when she was in the White Fang, but was it possible that Blake had a sister? And if so, how did she get past the defense systems? She needed more information. Weiss was taken out of her thoughts as Yang opened the door to reveal why she left.

She was in form-fitting armour, showing off her body perfectly while still looking protective. It was (obvious) gold with ruby accents, matching with Ember Celia which perfectly fitting into the armour. She didn't wear a helmet but from Yang's confident smirk Weiss knew that she felt safe in that (AN: If you can't imagine it, picture Aqua's armour from Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep except gold), "So you likey?" Yang asked as she twirled around,

"You look good Yang." Ruby complimented before smiling deviously, "But you would look better without it." She then tried to jump Yang, only for Noire to pull her back,

" _Ruby-chan, your gift won't be effective against Yang."_ Noire said as she sighed, " _Your power only works on clothing. Nothing else._ "

"Aw…"

" _Unless…"_

"Unless?" RWY asked in varying tones. Ruby with hope. Weiss with disbelief. Yang in horror. She did not put anything under this armour,

" _Oh, nothing."_ Noire said as she giggled and gave the remote to Ruby, " _Are you ready?_ "

"Yes, Noire-chan." Ruby said, "Girls, it's time! You wanna watch or not?"

"Well, as long as she's not touching my ass…" Weiss muttered as she (hesitantly) sat next to Ruby,

' _This will be one interesting season._ ' Noire thought as she imagined Blake's face after she was done, ' _Especially with me around._ '

"Don't count on it Weiss." Yang said as she sat down next to Noire, 'Whoever this is, I will find out what happened to Blake.' Yang thought, wanting her partner back, so she could use her as a human shield,

"Alright, it's time to start the finale!" Ruby declared, "It's Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 5!" She then pressed the all magical button that is play.

**(You Can't Park Here)**

_Fade in to Blue Base._

_Church enters as thumping sounds are audible within_

"…Please tell me they're doing it in there." Ruby begged, "I WANT MORE MPREG!"

" _Later, Ruby-chan._ " Noire said, " _I'll show you some Mpreg fanfics later._ "

"Wait," Weiss cut in, "How do you know babies are conceived through… intercourse?" Weiss really wanted to avoid the word,

"You mean sex?" Ruby asked, "Weiss-chan, I'm not that dumb. I know babies are made through hot, passionate, sweaty, dirty, loud, magical…" Ruby then drifted off into her own perverted world as she drooled. Noire had to snap her fingers to snap Ruby out of it, "Sex." What? There's no point of having a Perverted Ruby when she doesn't know about sex and various sex positions for various places. The other personalities just don't know,

" _You got that right."_

"Wait, huh?" Yang asked, "What're you talking about?"

" _Nothing._ " Noire said as she grinned a little, " _Just the future._ "

 **Church** : Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?

 **Doc** : Church, everything's fine. The patient is just resting.

"He's either talking about Tucker or the baby." Weiss said, "Either way, he must be one restless sleeper."

"And you won't be getting any soon enough when I'm done with you." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Doesn't sound like he's resting.

 **Doc** : That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival.

 **Baby Alien** : Blarrrrrrg.

" _Aw… it sounds so cute._ " Noire said, causing Weiss & Yang to move away from her.

 **Doc** : He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.

 **Church** : Tucker, fed, the baby? Gross.

"Definitely an Mpreg." Ruby said,

"Men don-you know what, I'm not even going to argue." Weiss said as she shook her head.

 **Doc** : Actually Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village.

"It'll take a village to feed it for a week." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : How'd you get him to agree to that?

 **Doc** : It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.

"Like regular Ruby." Yang muttered to herself, knowing her younger self made Ruby do a lot of her chores, 'Man, was I lazy back then.'

"Oh dear God." Weiss muttered as she rubbed her forehead, "We are so fucked."

"You got that right." Ruby said,

"Let me rephrase that: We are double fucked."

" _You're just making it worse for yourself, you know._ " Noire said with a smirk, " _And I wouldn't mind a threesome. Or a foursome._ " Weiss decided just to shut up now, seeing that she was digging her own grave.

 **Baby Alien** : Blarg honk, honk!

 **Church** : He hates needles.

 **Doc** : No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!

"Well, it's for the baby…" Yang muttered as she rubbed the back of her neck, "But I would not go that far if it kills me."

_Caboose emerges behind Doc_

**Doc** : It's like a miracle to see nature at work.

 **Caboose** : I feel dizzy!

" _That's not a good sign. But I guess dizziness is a side effect of blood loss._ " Noire said, " _And from the looks of it, the little guy must've drank a lot._ "

 **Church** : Um, is he gonna be okay?

 **Doc** : Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. I'n't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.

"Is the brain damage thing still a possible theory?" Weiss whispered to Yang,

"Well, it may have helped the Phases a little." Yang whispered back.

 **Caboose** : ( _looking around randomly_ ) Oooooh...

 **Doc** : Anyway blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-

 **Caboose** : I think I'm going to stop standing up now.

_Caboose collapses in a convenient heap_

Ruby couldn't help but wince a little, 'Is that going to happen to me whenever I go White Rose?' Ruby thought, before giggling, 'Hehe, White Rose…'

 **Doc** : Or passing out.

"Note to self: Never let an alien baby drain your blood, or let Doc take care of you." Ruby said, with her team agreeing. (AN: Some reactions from Iron-Mantis. Couldn't really fit in all of them and I already wrote in some so sorry)

 **Caboose** : Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice.

" _That's one hell of an inheritance."_ Noire said,

"You know, it'll be kinda sad if Caboose dies." Weiss muttered, "I know he's an idiot but fuck, I don't want to see him die."

 **Baby Alien** : Blargblargblargblargblargblarg!

 **Church** : How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?

 **Doc** : Sleeping? He's not sleeping... He's in a coma.

" _Aw… the baby doesn't have a mother…_ " Noire said, " _Father… parent… guy._ "

"You know, for a perv you seem to like babies a lot." Yang pointed out,

" _Well, sex is the main way to conceive a child. I just happen to encourage it._ "

"But you've been hitting on me for two hours straight!" Weiss exclaimed,

" _That? It was just to sate my desires._ "

"Maybe we can after this." Ruby suggested, "Maybe a little show before hand?"

"But we're watching a show right n-" Yang then paused, before blushing upon realizing what Ruby was suggesting, "Well, now I'm definitely not getting out of my armour."

' _We'll see about that._ ' Noire thought as she smirked.

 **Church** : Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc. I'll take care o' this.

 **Caboose** : I can't feel my torso.

 **Doc** : I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.

"Well, at least he's a good enough doctor to take care of the baby while Tucker's in a coma." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.

" _YOU MURDEROUS FUCKING SHIT!"_ Noire yelled out, surprising the girls, " _I swear if you lay a God damn finger on him I'll fucking tear off your arms and your skull and BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH BOTH OF THEM BEFORE I GET MY FRIEND TO SEND LIGHTNING BOLTS UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!_ "

'Questions to ask Blake: Find out from Blake if she has a twin sister and if said sister loves babies.' Yang thought.

 **Doc** : Well now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too.

"Which would probably be a gun." Weiss muttered, disgusted. Sure, the baby was wrong in so many ways and a freak of nature but it's still young. That's why Hunters wouldn't kill any younger Grimm or mothers, only when they reach full maturity. They were monsters but it doesn't mean it was an excuse to kill everything. Anyway, if they did cause the Grimm population to go extinct, they would be out of the job.

 **Caboose** : I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me?

"Okay, seriously, can someone give Caboose a blood transfusion!?" Yang exclaimed, "At least give it straight to the brain!"

 **Church** : I tell you what - I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?

" _I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR BALLS WITH MY BARE HANDS!_ "

"Okay, whoever this chick is, she gets angry way faster than Blake." Yang whispered to Weiss,

"Yeah…" Weiss responded, "I bet she's just Blake expect insane."

"I'm betting she's Blake's sister."

"The usual?"

"The usual." (AN: What should the usual be because I'm out of ideas)

 **Doc** : Sorry.

 **Church** : Doc - Seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.

 **Doc** : Church, don't make me pull rank on you.

 **Church** : Rh-rank? What the fuck- I outrank, you don't outrank me I'm a Captain!

"No, Church is just a Private and no one can replace Flowers, bless his soul." Ruby said.

 **Doc** : No, you're a Private with a dead Captain. The last time I checked, that makes you a Private. With a dead Captain.

"Doctor Obvious, everyone!" Yang called out.

 **Caboose** : My body... is trying to die.

"And for fuck's sake! Someone give him blood!" Weiss added in.

 **Church** : W-okay fine, then we're both Privates, you don't outrank me.

 **Doc** : No, I'm Medical Super-Private, First Class.

"That's not a real rank." Ruby spoke up, "I may not know much about the military but I'm sure he's lying."

 **Church** : That's not a real rank.

 **Doc** : Yes it is.

"WHAT!?" RWY exclaimed,

"Since when!?" Weiss added in.

 **Church** : Since when?

"FUCK! ME!"

"I'll do it." Ruby said as she raised her hand.

 **Doc** : Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.

"Wow. Just, wow." Yang said as she face palmed.

 **Baby Alien** : Harrgh!

 **Church** : They promoted you for that!? You haven't even used your weapon!

 **Doc** : Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people Church, leadership is about being able to tell others to fire bullets and stab people.

"Oh, really…" Weiss muttered as she looked at Ruby, remembering one plan Ruby came up with when they went out killing Grimm.

 **Caboose** : If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn in to one of them?

"If you don't pregnant first." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Shut up Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Blaaaaaaaaaa-

 **Church** : Shut up Caboose.

 **Caboose** : -aaaaarg. Oh no, don't let me turn.

" _Don't worry, we'll shoot you if you do_." Noire promised.

_The sound of some ship falling heavily to the ground is heard. The ground promptly shakes, like a seizing toddler_

"Well, I think the ship just landed." Ruby said.

 **Church** : The hell was that!?

 **Caboose** : I didn't feel anything.

 **Church** : I'll be right back- don't feed any more of our soldiers to the Alien.

_Church runs off_

**Doc** : Okay, but I can't make any promises.

 **Caboose** : Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.

"Okay, when  _Caboose_ says you're a horrible doctor, you know you suck." Yang said.

 **Doc** : Oh shut up Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Now he's cursing at me.

"Well, at least Doc manned up a bit." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to the large spaceship which has fallen almost directly on Donut_

**Sarge** : Simmons, status report. ( _coughs_ )

 **Simmons** : Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Are there any other injuries?

 **Simmons** : No Sir!

"Well, Donut is definitely fucked." Ruby muttered,

" _You may never know._ " Blake's other told Ruby, " _He might've survived. Donut almost died hundreds of times._ "

 **Sarge** : You sure?

 **Simmons** : I think so.

 **Sarge** : Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing. Purely by coincidence?

 **Simmons** : Uh, I don't kno-

 **Sarge** : No one orange?

"No one fucking died!" Weiss yelled out, "Apart from Donut." 'Dammit, I liked him.'

 **Grif** : Uhgh, I'm fine.

 **Simmons** : Sorry Sir.

 **Sarge** : Oh dehrh. I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.

"Oh for the love of God, just shoot him if you want him dead so badly!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : What about Private Donut, Sir? There's no way he survived that. Poor Donut. I'll miss him like a sister.

 **Sarge** : I'll miss him like... well, like someone I knew but that I don't really wanna reflect on how deep our relationship went.

"And that's how deep Sarge will ever go." Ruby said.

_As Sarge is talking, a tapping sound is heard and continues_

**Simmons** : Wait a second, do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.

"It is…" Yang muttered, "Holy shit, is Donut still alive!?"

" _Or it could be someone inside the ship who's tapping_." Noire pointed out.

 **Grif** : All I hear is you guys talkin' about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.

 **Simmons** : Listen, there it is again!

 **Sarge** : You're absolutely right! That sounds like Morris Code.

"It's pronounced Morse." Weiss corrected, "Idiot."

 **Simmons** : Um, excuse me Sir, it's actually not Morris Code? It's Morse Code, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Morse, heh. That sounds ridiculous. I don't think so.

 **Simmons** : Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio. Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.

" _I wouldn't mind trying some._ " Normally, this would disturb the team but they did force Blake to eat cat food that one time… and she enjoyed it.

 **Sarge** : And that cat was one of our finest military minds, don't you see? That just means Donut is alive and trying to contact us! Now, get to tappin'.

 **Simmons** : Maybe we can lift the ship off of him somehow.

 **Sarge** : Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was one woman who lifted a car off her baby.

 **Grif** : You want me to call Donut's mother?

 **Sarge** : Don't make me angry, Grif. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if only there were some way to tap in to our inner rage, like that Hulk fella. Dang nabbit! There's never any gamma radiation around when you need it.

"How about have your shotgun painted orange or blue." Yang suggested.

 **Simmons** : Well what if we tried getting in to the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship-

 **Sarge** : Or, we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship-

"Simmons' plan is better." Ruby said, 'Though, having clones doesn't sound that bad…' When they saw the perverted look on Ruby's face, Weiss & Yang quickly shifted away.

 **Simmons** : I think that the jack in the Warthog might be able to lift it...

 **Sarge** : Could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic! Or both.

" _Simmons' plans: 2. Sarge's plans: -0._ " Noire called out, " _An anti-zero, if you will_."

 **Simmons** : Or we could try digging underneath the hull.

 **Sarge** : I've got it! A levitation ray. I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.

"Someone shoot him. Please, someone shoot him." Weiss begged.

 **Simmons** : But Sir!

 **Sarge** : Simmons there's no time to chat about your crackpot theories! ( _gets in the Warthog_ ) This is a crisis situation. Time to save us all, with science.

_Sarge drives off_

**Sarge** : Pshew! Off.

 **Grif** : Uhf, Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he.

"And the stupidity continues!" Ruby exclaimed before muttering, "What a way to start the season."

" _You can say that again."_

 **Simmons** : And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.

"I'm surprised there's even a platoon to begin with." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?

 **Grif** : Fuhuck off, Blue. A ship just crashed on one of our guys.

 **Church** : What, this ship?

 **Simmons** : No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.

"What a weird and unfortunate series of events that was." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Where'd it come from?

 **Grif** : It's a spaceship, it came from space.

"Dumbass." WYRN (pronounced  _wyvern,_ corruption of RWBY) muttered in unison.

 **Church** : ... ... ... Dibs.

"Wait, what?" Yang said.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Church** : Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.

 **Simmons** : No it isn't jackass, we found it first.

 **Church** : Yeah but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?

" _Well, technically he's right._ " Noire stated, " _It's his now."_

"How?" Weiss asked with skepticism on her face,

" _Would you disagree with a guy with a tank?_ "

"Oh, right… I forgot about Sheila."

"HOW COULD YOU FORGET SHEILA!?" Yang yelled out. Weiss was about to respond before she realized something,

"Wait, why isn't aren't reacting to the ship in any way?"

"Well, I found an alternative to suppress it." Yang quickly answered, while touching the small battery pack in her armour, "But let me squeal for a second." She then turned off the battery pack, and promptly flopped over. Weiss quickly aimed her rapier at the two perverts,

"Don't even think about it." Weiss growled out,

"Weiss-chan, we're above that, you know." Ruby said as she pushed Myrtenaster away, "We want our lovers to accept our gift of pleasure."

"Which is…?" Weiss asked in morbid curiosity. Ruby responded by tapping a few spots on Weiss. The Heiress was about to say something, before a sudden rush of pleasure ran through her and made her faint,

" _Nice one._ " Noire said as they high-fived. After the two woke up, they continued the episode.

 **Grif** : You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous.

 **Church** : Yehehah, yes I can. Dibs- see? I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my ship, tomato can.

 **Simmons** : Don't call me tomato can.

 **Grif** : Try and take it then.

 **Church** : Um... okay. Sheila?

 **Sheila** : You bet.

 **Grif** : Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?

 **Simmons** : Yeah, kinda.

"Seriously, WHAT IS PEOPLE WITH FORGETTING ABOUT THE TANK!?"

"LET IT GO, YANG!" WRN exclaimed, "LET IT GO!"

 **Sheila** : Now step away from the ship, tomato can.

 **Grif** : Ha ha, tomato can.

 **Sheila** : You too, lemon head.

 **Grif** : Hey I'm orange, not yellow!

 **Sheila** : ( _in a weird voice_ ) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

"I don't like that laugh." Ruby said as she passed the remote to Noire,

" _Maybe something's wrong with Sheila_." Noire guessed,

"NOTHING IS WRONG WITH SHEILA!" Yang yelled out, "START THE NEXT EPISODE!"

" _Fine._ " Noire said as she pressed play.

**(Got Your Back)**

_Fade in to the spaceship._

**Church** : What the hell is that tapping noise? Sounds like Morris Code.

"Morse Code, asshole." Ruby muttered, 'I wonder if any of us like anal.'

 **Simmons** : Morse.

 **Church** : Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

 **Sheila** : Ah huhah, sounds like fun. ( _trains her turret on them_ )

"Life's answer to everything." Yang said, "Tanks and blowing shit up."

"Yeah, in the movies." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Well what does it say?

 **Grif** : It says "tap tap tap." We don't know.

 **Simmons** : We were trying to translate it when you showed up an interrupted us.

 **Church** : No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around doing nothing. Just like the last fifty times I interrupted you guys. Oh wai-wai-wait, listen listen! Listen, it says, "Red... sucks... balls." Hey, look my new ship can talk! And it knows things. That's a good ship.

"Oh, now he's just rubbing it in their faces." Ruby said, "And their bodies. And their pe-"

"We get it Ruby!" Yang quickly interrupted as she blushed,

" _Oh c'mon, let her get it out of her system._ " Noire said, " _She'll be fine tomorrow._ " ' _If she isn't in another coma_.'

 **Simmons** : It's not your ship, it's our ship. We called it, and it came.

 **Church** : I don't know, I don't see any markings on it.

 **Simmons** : It landed on Donut!

 **Sheila** : That was fantastic.

Weiss, Noire & Yang leaned back a bit. That was a line they expected Creepy Ruby to say. And from the rate Perverted Ruby was going, she was going to be the next Tucker.

 **Church** : How in the heck would that mean- oh wait, the pink guy? Oh I actually liked him!

 **Grif** : Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?

"How should we know? Personally, I'm surprised that Church likes Donut… in a platonic way!" Yang quickly added,

"Well, to be fair, anyone who isn't Caboose is probably better… plus Donut's arguably the nicest one of the Reds, if not the entire canyon." Weiss said as Noire & Ruby grumbled about Yang's quick add (AN: From snake screamer!)

 **Simmons** : You can't have the ship.

 **Church** : I'm not asking for it: it's already mine. Right Sheila?

 **Sheila** : Actually, I kind of like it. I think it is mine.

" _Well, you can't exactly disagree with a tank._ " Noire muttered.

 **Church** : Hey are you okay?

 **Simmons** : ( _under his breath_ ) I think there's something wrong with the tank.

"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SHELIA!" Yang yelled out.

 **Grif** : Yeah, I noticed.

"AND YOU TAKE IT BACK!"

"Yang, please shut up." Weiss said flatly.

 **Simmons** : I've got an idea.

 **Grif** : Whoa, okay hold on a second. Before you get too deep in to this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to our plans and that tank.

 **Simmons** : Come on Grif, I think the tank's malfunctioning.

 **Grif** : Well only one part of it has to function for me to get turned in to a cloud of orange mist.

"Which one? The barrel or the ammo?" Ruby asked, causing Weiss & Yang to blush.

 **Church** : Okay, just be cool.

 **Sheila** : I am cool. You be cool.

 **Sarge** : Bad news, fellas, I couldn't find that levitation ray, but I did find the remote control to- hey, what's goin' on out here?! Whaddaya think you're doing you lousy Blue?

 **Church** : I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this spaceship.

 **Sarge** : Dibs!

 **Grif and Simmons** : Too late.

 **Sarge** : Dangnabbit! Why do I ever leave you two to guard anything? Everybody knows about the International Dibs Protocol! And the No Takebacks Accord.

"Worst. Protocol. Ever. Of all time." Weiss said, "FUCK!"

_Sheila starts driving off_

**Church** : See guys, this is our ship. And by ours, I mean mine, and my... eighty ton... ...friend.

 **Sheila** : Bye everyone.

"And your eighty ton friend has left." Yang said, "You deserve it, ya bastard."

" _And I agree._ " Noire spoke up.

 **Church** : Uh...

_All the Reds cock their weapons and point them at the Church_

**Church** : I'm gonna be right back.

"With what?" Weiss asked, "All you have is two practically dead teammates, a bad medic and baby."

" _Maybe the baby will be so cute that they won't shoot._ " Noire replied,

"But they probably wi-"

" _They. Won't. Shoot."_ Noire growled out, causing the girl in white to shut up.

 **Sheila** : Uh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

 **Sarge** : Hey Blue! You know that ship you called dibs on? Well I got next! Hah! Now the ship is mine again!

"Okay, that was a nice counter for Sarge." Yang admitted.

 **Simmons** : Excellent strategy, Sir.

 **Grif** : Jesus, remember when we used to solve problems with violence? Ah, the good ol' days.

"We do that on a daily basis." Ruby said, "But there are other ways, like seduction or a good fu-"

"Okay, we get it." Yang said with a blush.

_Cut to Tucker and Caboose sprawled on the floor of Blue Base_

**Church** : Caboose, where's Doc?

 **Caboose** : Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

 **Church** : Well actually, that's because he was, born today. Like, an hour ago.

"And he's already decimated the Blue Team." Weiss muttered before her eyes widened in realization, "My God, the fucking baby alien just did what the Red Team will never do." Yang couldn't help but chuckle a little,

" _That's our little guy._ " Noire said as she had a look on her face like she was a proud parent.

 **Caboose** : We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

The girls shivered, remembering what happened when Nora tried to scrapbook. It did not go well.

 **Church** : Where's Tucker?

 **Caboose** : Still in a coma.

 **Church** : Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

_Church exits back the way he came_

**Caboose** : I'm fine by the way! Don't worry about me. ...I'm so cold.

"He's so going to die." Weiss said, "Now I'm feeling sorry for Caboose."

"Yeah," Yang sighed, "Seriously, will someone help this guy already!?"

_Cut to Sarge in front of the ship_

**Sarge** : Quit yer yammerin'. Let's see if we can get this thing movin'. I was thinkin' about our discussion earlier, and a-

 **Simmons** : And you decided to use one of my ideas?

 **Sarge** : Course not! I've got a new much more realistic plan for lifting the ship. If Donut is underneath, all we need to do is enrage him to the point where he can lift the ship and our work is done. Now quick, help me think. What would make Donut furious?

 **Grif** : I don't know, have you tried sharing your plan with him? That'd probably do it.

"BURNED!" Yang yelled out.

 **Sarge** : Hey Donut! I was back at the base reading some of your fashion mags - they said that pink is no longer the new black! Turns out black is the new black, and pink is the old black. Which is now white! And it's after Labor Day, you know what that means –

 **Grif** : Oh dear God.

 **Sarge** : Also we needed to do some minor rust repairs on the Warthog's drive train. The bad news is that the only lubricants I could find were your imported hand creams! The good news is, the jeep now smells like lilacs. Rusty metal lilacs.

"These are the worst insults ever." Yang muttered,

"Of all time." Weiss added in, "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

 **Grif** : This has got to be th-

 **Sarge** : This doesn't seem to be working. Alright, time for Plan B.

 **Simmons** : Break in to the ship, and see if we can raise it-

 **Sarge** : No, Plan B is to try to induce super powers in Grif. Simmons, get my jar of radioactive spiders out of the Warthog. Come here Grif, I need to borrow your neck.

"It isn't a comic book." Weiss muttered, "If you get bitten by a radioactive spider, you'd probably die. Not spin a web any size and catching criminals just like flies. No, he'll be suffering from cancer and hair loss."

"How would you know that?" Yang asked,

"You don't wanna know." Weiss answered as she winced, 'Stupid Schnee Scientists.'

_A loud metallic creaking comes from the ship_

**Grif** : Did you just hear that?

 **Sarge** : Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working! Quick Grif - get me a list of the latest celebrity break-ups! Simmons, help me out!

 **Simmons** : Hey Donut! I hear they cancelled daytime television.

" _I hate daytime television_." Noire muttered, " _Everyone hates daytime television_."

 **Sarge** : Hey Donut! Command called. They rejected your new definition for fire in the hole. They're gonna stick with the old one.

"Oh dear lord." Weiss muttered,

"Oh… kinky." Ruby said, causing Weiss to groan even more.

 **Simmons** : Oh Donut! I heard that the Winter Olympics is gonna focus even more on snowboarding next time.

 **Grif** : I can't take this. I'm gonna go watch some football.

"Foot… ball?" Ruby asked, "What the hell is that? Sounds dumb." Suddenly, Ruby got hit with a football, "OH GOD, IT HIT ME IN THE EYE!"

"Welcome to the club." Yang said as she grabbed the note attached to the football.

'You have committed a sin. 'Merica, FUCK YEAH!

-RT

P.S from U & H: No offense.'

Yang raised an eyebrow of what this 'Merica' was before scrunching the note up and throwing it in the pile of notes before helping Ruby up. She instantly regretted it as Ruby started feeling up her armoured boobs, "Close enough." She heard from the perverted girl.

 **Sarge** : Grif's been using your paisley thong as a slingshot!

"Alright, no more bullshit. NEXT EPISODE!" Yang yelled out as she took the remote away from Noire as soon as Ruby let go,

'She really wants to burn through these episodes.' Weiss thought, 'Well, I don't blame her.' She sighed as Yang pressed play.

**(Baby Steps)**

_Fade in to Church approaching Doc_

**Church** : Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call Command.

 **Doc** : ...

" _He's probably still mad from threatening to kill the little guy._ " Noire guessed before growling, " _He should be._ "

 **Church** : Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place, to Doc.

 **Doc** : Don't you wanna say hello to our new friend?

 **Church** : What?

_Church looks down at a very small, teal alien_

Noire literally a cute overload and climaxed all over her seat, " _It's. So. Kawaii!"_ She squealed. Yang & Weiss were in disbelief at the size of the alien baby, seeing how it caused so much trouble in just a few... hours. Ruby was in between. Slightly disgusted but couldn't help but squeal a little.

 **Baby Alien** : Honk?

 **Church** : I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

 **Doc** : Take your time. This is a big moment.

 **Baby Alien** : Blarg.

" _He takes after his biological parent._ " Noire said as she wiped away a tear,

"You, are messed up." Yang said flatly, "What the fuck is wrong with you, and what happened to Blake."

" _Oh, she's… somewhere safe._ " Yang now added another possibility of who Noire is: Catnapper.

 **Church** : I can't deal with this right now.

 **Baby Alien** : Hnnnk!

"Hey, can you translate that uh… Noire?" Weiss asked,

" _Sorry, but I can't because 1) I don't know Blarghian and 2) he's probably talking nonsense since he was just born, even if he was from an advanced race._ " Noire replied.

 **Church** : Shut up, you're disgusting. Doc, what is Vic's number?

"Oh come on! He must've called Vic hundreds of times by now!" Weiss exclaimed, "Doesn't he have him on speed dial by now?"

"I think they enjoy the delay." Yang guessed, "Vic is annoying."

 **Doc** : What for?

 **Church** : For reinforcements. Wait, unless, you've had like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes.

 **Doc** : Uh, nope.

 **Church** : Then yeah, reinforcements.

 **Doc** : Well I did just change a dirty diaper-

"And diapers are effective grenades…" Ruby muttered, 'You know, this has been on my mind but… is there such thing as a poop fetish?' (AN: Oh come on! I put in cars as a fetish and I just put in shark plushies! Come on, by now you should expect this from this fic)

 **Church** : That doesn't count.

 **Doc** : I don't know, it was a real doozey. Number two.

 **Church** : Doc, focus! Vic's number, what is it?

 **Doc** : Come on Church, everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

 **Church** : Oh right. Vic's jingle.

"Prepare your anus for crap!" Yang yelled out,

" _You should too_." Noire said to no one in particular.

 **Doc** : ( _singing_ ) If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click click click click, just call me up at five five five, V-I-C-K.

Ruby, out of morbid curiosity, called the number on her Scroll, "Hello? Is, anyone there?"

"Oh, hi." A guy's voice greeted, "H-Hey, wait, when did you get my number? Wait,  _how_ did you get my number?"

"Oh, sorry!" Ruby apologized, "…Do you want phone sex?"

"Wait, what? Uh, wait a second." There was a bit of noise in a background, like there was a small battle, before the guy's voice came through, "Sorry, had to deal with a friend. Anyway, sorry but no. We could talk again if you want, just without the sex part, you know?"

"Sure, but no promises." Ruby then giggled, "Hey, who're you anyway. Your name isn't Vic, is it?"

"Oh fuck no. Name's Hiro X. Ignotis, Or 'of the unknown' if you will. I don't know why I blurted out my name but hey. YOLO!" Then there was more noise happening in to background, "Uh… I have to call you back later. My friend is uh… going into labour um… with my child. From Canada. God I hate you." Then he hung up as Ruby heard giggles from a woman. Ruby cheered a little, seeing that she made a new friend. Too bad she ran out of credit as soon as he cut the connection,

"Wait, what the hell is Canadeia?"

"Huh?" Weiss asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Weis raised an eyebrow before turning to the TV.

 **Church** : You know it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed. Or if his name actually ended in a K.

"Huh? But, I always thought it was!" Yang said, "Who the fuck spells Vick without the K!?"

 **Doc** : Oh, music is a great way to learn things. That's how I studied for the MCAT.

 **Church** : You passed the MCAT?

"Wait for it." Weiss said as she put her hand up.

 **Doc** : Nha ha ha hah, not even close.

"There we go."

 **Doc:** But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song "Miss Independence." It teaches you all about the lymphatic system. ( _singing_ ) Doum, d-doum, lymphatic system-"

"You suck!" WYRN yelled out.

 **Church** : Hey, shut up I'm on the phone.

 **Baby Alien** : Honk!

 **Church** : And do me a favour, kill that fucking thing, would you?

" _Go kill yourself._ " Noire muttered.

_Familiar radio sounds_

**Vic** : Hey dude.

 **Church** : Vic! Hey, it's Church.

 **Vic** : This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta.

"Going into voicemail. Of course." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Hey Vic, this is Church I need ta-

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : You have reached the voice mail system.

 **Church** : ( _sigh_ ) Okay okay, come on.

"C'mon hurry up already." Weiss said impatiently.

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : To leave a message, just wait for the tone.

 **Church** : I know how to leave a goddamned message.

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : When you are finished recording, just hang up. Or press pound for more options.

 **Church** : Really, hang up, no shit. I was just gonna keep talkin' until he decided to check his voice mail.

"C'mon, let's get to the action already!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : For delivery options, press five.

 **Church** : Just give me the damn beep!

"Give him the beep!" Ruby yelled out.

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.

 **Church** : Come on!

" _It's not even in order._ " Noire muttered.

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : To repeat this message, press nine.

"HURRY THE FUCK UP!" WYRN yelled out.

 **Church** : I will fucking stab you computer phone lady.

"Fuck her shit up!" Yang added in.

_Cut to the tapping of Sarge's spaceship_

**Grif** : That tapping is gonna drive me insane. We either need to get Donut outta there, or find a way to kill him.

"Still think he's dead." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : Donut, can you please stop tapping. We heard you. You're crushed and you're in mortal danger, we get it.

 **Grif** : I can feel the tapping in my brain!

 **Sarge** : Well I have to admit it, I'm stumped! I have no idea how to get him out.

"Use Simmons' plans!" Yang yelled out, "Is that so hard!?"

"For Sarge's mental capacity? Yes." Ruby answered.

 **Grif** : Geez! How long would it take him to starve to death? When was the last time he ate? ...Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self destruct mechanisms in to our armour? Can't you just use Donut's?

"Don't blow up the ship." Yang growled out,

"Wait a second." Weiss told Yang.

 **Sarge** : No, sadly that's just you, Grif. Although I could activate yours if you'd like.

 **Grif** : How would that help?

 **Sarge** : Well the situation would be a little less annoying.

" _Well, sucks for him_." Noire said, " _Maybe I could suck you off too Yang._ "

"NO!" Yang yelled out, "I'm never getting out of this armour even if you beg me!"

" _You want a submissive type of girl? I could easily do that._ " Noire then smirked, " _But that pesky armour is getting in the way so I cannot._ " ' _For now._ '

 **Simmons** : You want me to get the activation code Sir?

 **Sarge** : Nah. The activation code is just "activation code." Keep it simple.

"Every freaking password…" Weiss muttered, "And so much fail."

 **Simmons** : I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

 **Grif** : Uhoh my God, is it getting louder?

 **Grif** : I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.

" _Don't be so sure._ " Noire said.

_Cut back to Church on the phone_

**Vic's Voice Mail** : To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.

 **Church** : There is no eleven, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

 **Doc** : Ooh, language.

"C'mon, think of the children." Yang said.

_Back to Sarge_

**Sarge** : Men, it pains me as your leader to say this, but I think we need to admit defeat. Years of experience on the battlefield and I've finally met my match. I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship. A ship full of enemies, maybe, but never just a ship itself! Bravo, ship. Bravo.

 **Simmons** : Don't give up yet Sir, I'm sure we could find a way to-

 **Sarge** : Ah, Simmons it's hopeless. Let's start assigning duties for our retreat.

_The ship's door starts opening behind him_

"Okay…" Weiss said, "Maybe they didn't fail."

"D-Did they just stupid the door open?" Yang asked rhetorically.

 **Simmons** : Uhhh, Sir-

 **Sarge** : Simmons you can pack up all the toiletries and remaining MREs. But make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to tell 'em apart again.

"Thanks for letting that happen Yang." Weiss muttered bitterly,

"Huh? What? When did I do that!?" Yang asked,

"Oh, you didn't, but I'm saying it now to avoid future headaches." Yang just stuck her tongue out at Weiss while she pulled down the bottom of her left eye, since the swears and profanity she was thinking of would probably be misinterpreted by the currently perversely possessed girls.

 **Grif** : Sir, you really should turn around.

 **Sarge** : Sure, and give the ship a chance to rub it in. No dice.

"He does realize the ship doesn't talk, right?" Yang stated,

" _Considering what Sheila just did, I'm pretty sure he's covering his bases just in case._ " Noire responded (AN: From snake screamer!)

 **Simmons** : Sir the door's open, that means we won. Another victory for the glorious Red Army.

 **Sarge** : What? I mean of course it is! Looks like my plan worked! Chalk up another one in the win column for Sarge! Hey who's that guy? Let's shoot him.

"And thus we end another set of Red vs Blue episodes." Yang said as she turned off the TV,

" _Hey, Ruby-chan._ " Noire said as the other perverted girl leaned in, " _Let me show you something._ " Ruby was wondering what Noire was going to show her, and was excited to see what it was. Suddenly, a shock went through her as her cloak turned pitch black, " _Break it._ " Noire whispered into Ruby's ear, causing her to smirk,

"Oh Yang-onee-chan~" Ruby sang out, "I got a surprise for you~"

"What? WHOA!" Yang yelled out as Ruby passed her in a cloud of black rose petals. Yang couldn't see Ruby's black symbol on her shoulder as she looked at her perverted little sister,

"Ruby, what did you just d-"

"Rose Break: Level 2." Ruby said casually as she dashed back to her seat, next to her new friend,

"Why me?" Yang groaned as armour burst into black rose petals,

"Yay!" Ruby cheered as she jumped her sister, "My Yang boobs." Ruby sighed out as she rubbed her face in them, causing Yang to moan,

"Okay, I'm breaking this up." Weiss said as she pulled out her weapon. She was going to stand up, only to find out that she was tied to the chair,

" _Ruby-chan._ " Noire called out before tightening the ribbons around Weiss' wrists and ankles. Next thing Weiss knew, she was at the same state as Yang. Weiss tried to struggle but for some reason, she couldn't find the strength to do it. Noire stood in front of her with a devious smile, " _You wanted some loving to your breasts, huh?"_ Noire asked, causing Weiss to gasp and blush. She never told anyone about it and somehow this shameless Blake imposter knew. She really wanted to get out, but a small part of her wished to stay, " _Well, you got your wish._ " Weiss could only utter one word at that,

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH they're warm!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	38. Between One and Fuck (Sibling Arrivalries, The Grif Reaper, In Memoriam)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

' _Ah… Pussy, you're friends are so much fun to play with. I wish you were here to join me and you other friend. Maybe we can do something a little more… exciting._ '

Weiss quickly shut the door behind her as soon Yang jumped in. Right now, they've just escaped their groping session and are now hiding in a broom closet that Yang had hid a set clothes in just in case something like that happened. It was surprisingly big enough for closet, allowing at least 3 people inside before it started to feel claustrophobic. After waiting for Ruby & Noire to pass by the closet, they quickly put on the spare set of clothes and sat down, "That… sucked." Yang said, out of breath from both the running and Ruby's groping,

"Don't say suck!" Weiss said, getting annoyed before shivering, "Oh crap, I still feel them."

"Me too." Yang said as she rubbed her boobs, feeling a little uncomfortable, "You've got to fucking kidding me." She groaned as she slumped down,

"What?"

"I think they've gotten bigger." Weiss unconsciously felt her own breasts and noticed her bra was feeling a bit smaller. Not uncomfortable, but it felt different, "What are we gonna do?" Weiss liked the fact that her bust size was growing but seeing Yang looking defeated wasn't worth it. She sighed as she looked outside before rushing to find her hidden Dust supply. She did trust her teammates with her life, but everything else was off limits, especially her Dust supply, and especially  _that_. She got into the RWBY dorm and grabbed her key under her bed and a fancy white crowbar. As soon as she heard footsteps, she opened open the window and jumped out, using her Air Step glyphs to help her land safely and get to her destination faster: Beacon Cliff. But not without giving herself an eleven out of ten.

When she got there, she counted from left to right to find the launcher she used in the Initiation, 'I was at least 7 or 8 students from Ruby and Jaune was last so…' She figured out which one and ran up to it. She used the crowbar to get the pad off and grabbed the white suitcase she hid in it as soon as she got it 3 weeks after the first day at Beacon. It was labeled:

Experimental Dust

Her father was at least generous enough to send her what could possibly either make Myrtenaster a God-Slaying Weapon or destroy everything that could exist, including reality itself. In the note he sent her, it would take another decade to perfect but since they still needed to be tested, why not send to someone with a Dust-powered weapon who could test it out on Grimm? As soon as she saw the case and its contents, she quickly wrote it off as either impractical or too dangerous to use yet, so she sent false results back, saying that the Dust provided wouldn't work and needed to be improved. Also, she also said she used it all just in case her father wanted it back. She knew she could do anything to destroy the contents inside it so she had to hide it until it could be disposed of safely.

Now, it was her and Yang's only hope.

She took in a deep breath and unlocked the case. Now, she had to find the right Dust. She picked up the gold Dust and read the label to herself, "Gold Dust: Gives the user temporary invincibility and increases the effectiveness of Aura based abilities as well as the user's Dust by 20%. Caution: Reduces user's lifespan by one year every 10 seconds." Weiss sighed and put it back before picking up another one, "Clear Dust: Turns user invisible to those without souls. Caution: Does not affect humans or Faunus." She sighed again and picked up another one, "Grey Dust: Causes all Dust in a radius of 5 miles to be rendered useless. Caution: May weaken the user's Aura." Once again, she sighed and grabbed another bottle, "Black Dust: Causes the user to have increased strength of up to 200%. Caution: Do not breathe in this Dust. May cause loss of Aura permanently _,_ blackening of skin, muteness and  _insanity_ until effects wear off but may be irreversible unless the user has powerful soul." Weiss slowly put that bottle back, wondered why they sent that for her to use and picked up another bottle, only to groan, "Purple Dust." She muttered. She knew it was useless so she threw into Emerald Forest. Never to be seen again. Except…

(6 months ago)

It was peaceful night at Beacon Academy…

*ROAR!*

Until that happened.

"What happened!?" Ruby exclaimed as she saw the state of JNPR's dorm room. Everything was ruined in a matter of seconds before it was over in the exact amount of time. Nora was just in the middle of smashing one of the Ursi's head in just as the RWBYs showed up, "Oh my God…" the RWBYs muttered as they saw the destruction in awe before seeing the 3 dead Grimm in the middle of the room and splattered over the walls,

"I have no idea." Pyrrha answered between breaths. She was half-dressed because she was about to take a shower and only managed to take off her armour before the Grimm appeared in the room

"How did a *wheeze* Grimm *wheeze* get in here!?" Jaune exclaimed. He literally just finished training with Ren when they showed up, "Why *wheeze* can't anyone *wheeze* give us a break?"

"You know we have to pay for this." Ren said, not even out of breath from the fight, "The school doesn't pay damages caused by students, even if the majority of the damage was caused by Grimm."

"That was fun! I wanna do that again!" Nora yelled out of nowhere. The others in the room was about to yell at her before they heard another roar, coming right from across the hall. Where the RWBY's dorm is,

"Oh, you've got to kidding me." Weiss muttered as she ran back to her dorm in hopes to save the homework due in tomorrow,

"You had to jinx us, huh Nora." Yang said as she followed Weiss,

"Oh crap! I left Crescent Rose in there!" Ruby exclaimed as she disappeared in a puff of rose petals, "MUMMY'S COMING!"

"I guess we'll see you tomorrow." Blake said as she sighed and followed her team. The sounds of a fight echoed around the school before everyone heard Yang yelled out,

"WHY THE HELL ARE THERE BEOWULVES IN OUR DORM!"

"JUST! KEEP! FIGHTING!" Weiss yelled out to the blonde as she took down one of many Grimm in the room. It was going to be a long night.

(Present!)

"Why did they send me two?" Weiss asked herself after throwing away another bottle of Purple Dust. She sighed again and picked up a bottle of pink Dust. When she read the label on it, she smiled, 'You may have won one fight, but you haven't won the war.' She thought as she put the bottle into one of her jacket pockets before putting back the Experimental Dust before going back to Beacon and arriving back at the closet,

"Took ya long enough." Yang said as she stopped adjusting her bra, "Where did you go? Did Noire or Ruby see you?"

"Yang, don't worry." Weiss said as she pulled out the bottle and popped the cork off, "Yang, I need you to put this Dust on your clothes."

"Um, okay…" Yang grabbed and did as she was told before Weiss took it back and did the same, "Wait, what is this stuff."

"Wait a minute…" Weiss said as she looked at the label. Yang didn't know what Weiss was doing but she was going along with it, so she waited. After a few seconds, she felt the Dust she put on herself activating, causing her to feel a little weird. Suddenly, she saw her hair glowing as she started to get up before getting lifted up from the ground, with Weiss doing the same, "It's actually working!"

"What the fu-" She didn't finish her sentence as they both exploded into a blinding pink light. After a few seconds, the both dropped down onto the floor and used the equipment in the closet to keep themselves standing, "Wh-What was that?" Yang asked before seeing Weiss' eyes flashing pink before going back to normal, "Holy…"

"Yang, trust me on this." Weiss said as she held up the almost empty bottle, "We're safe."

"How? Why? C'mon woman, give me answers!"

"Yang, please keep this a secret okay?" Weiss then went on to explain how she got the Experimental Dust and why she had it in the first place. Yang was still confused though,

"Wait, what does that Pink Dust do?" Yang asked. Weiss sighed before smiling,

"Pink Dust suppresses all Semblances in the area, including Ruby's 'special' abilities." Yang's eyes widened as she learned this,

"B-B-But that's impossible!"

"Anything's possible with just a bit of Dust." Weiss told her, "Just a word of warning though. This is not permanent and would only last a day, a RvB season at most,"

"'RvB'?"

"Shut up." Weiss growled before calming down, "Anyway, like I was saying this Dust will only last us a day and we can't use our Semblances as well."

"Huh?" Weiss sighed and demonstrated by trying to cast a glyph, only for it to fail completely, "Aw man…" Yang groaned, "You know, I like my hair being on fire. People say it makes me hotter." Weiss then threw a mop bucket at her, which she dodged, "Hey!"

"Your puns suck." Weiss said before leaving the closet. Yang sighed and followed her back to the dorm. When they arrived, they saw Noire showing Ruby different types of knots,

"Oh, back again I see." Ruby said as she put down her ribbon and rubbed her hands together, "Are you ready for more?" She was about to get up until Noire held her wrist and forced her to sit back down,

" _Ruby, don't._ " Noire said as she looked at the two, " _I detect Dust on them_."

"How would you know?" Yang asked, a little bit worried,

" _It's an application_." Noire then showed her Scroll, with it reading positive on the Dust Identifying Computer for Kids app (it was free), " _Anyway, there's nothing we can do Ruby_." Ruby sighed, wanting to feel Weiss' boobs next, before she sat down and grabbed the remote, " _So, are you two just going to stand there or are you going to watch?_ " The two Dust covered girls heard the anger in Noire's voice and smirked before sitting down in their respective spots. Ruby sighed before perking up,

'Dust doesn't last forever, so…' Ruby then smiled deviously, 'Do not worry my lovely pairs, we will be together, you'll just have to wait.' Ruby thought as looked at Noire, who also had a devious smirk. She knew something was going to happen, but decided to keep it on hold until the end. She pressed play.

**(Sibling Arrivalries)**

_Fade in to the ship from above_

**Vic's Voice Mail** : To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.

"It's still going!?" Ruby exclaimed, "Holy shit!"

 **Church** : I hate you!

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : *beep*

"Oh God,  _finally_." Yang said, relieved that was over. Weiss only held her hand up,

"Don't count on it." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Vic, it's Church, I need y-

 **Vic's Voice Mail** : I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.

"Told ya so." Weiss said as she laughed a little, 'He really doesn't get a break, does he?'

 **Church** : Uhchmmm I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

"I don't blame you." Yang sighed, "I'd do it too, Church."

 **Doc** : Uh, what was all that about?

"Well, it's basically the Blue team being royally screwed due to half the team being knocked out and the half that's left, sucks." Weiss explained, "Their lucky the Reds are distracted by the ship because if they weren't, they could attack and they would be dead."

" _Hm…_ " Noire muttered, " _'Royally screwed', huh_?" Noire smirked at Weiss, causing her to face palm, " _I guess I could be the king and you could be my queen…_ "

"Goddamnit."

 **Church** : Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down, and I think th-

"FUCK!" Weiss yelled out while slamming her head against the table, almost snapping it in half,

"She is  _not_  taking being Church's twin well, isn't she?" Ruby whispered to herself, before shutting up after seeing Weiss glare at her.

 **Doc** : No it's not, look! Caboose is already back in action.

_Cut to Caboose emerging from Blue Base in the distance_

**Caboose** : I'm okay! I'm okay!

"Whoa! How is he even up?" Yang asked. She got her answer in the next 2 seconds.

_Caboose collapses again, but this time in the warmth of the sun_

**Caboose** : I'm not okay!

 **Doc** : He's fine.

"Uh… no, he isn't Doc." Ruby said,

" _At least he's in the sunlight._ " Noire pointed out, " _That floor must've been freezing. Though, it could easily be cured b-_ "

"Okay, okay we get it!" Weiss quickly interrupted.

 **Church** : Like I was saying, half the team is down, and the half that's left, sucks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead.

Weiss just sighed, giving up any hope of not being compared to her least liked character. She liked the guy, but she just irritates her without him even realizing it.

 **Baby Alien** : Hnnk!

 **Church** : Oh right, and I have to kill this fucking thing.

" _HURRY UP AND JUMP OFF A CLIFF!_ " Noire yelled out, " _You know, I wish that fucking ship landed on him rather than Donut._ " Noire muttered to herself before she sighed (AN: From Chaos Lord Roscoso!)

 **Caboose** : Also I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

 **Church** : Oh I forgot that part! The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile... awesome.

"That would be kinda awesome." Yang said, "But it'll only affect Caboose."

"Huh? Why?" Ruby asked,

"Well, because the weapon might only affect standard issue blue, which only Caboose is wearing." Yang heard Weiss sigh,

"Yang, Church is wearing blue armour. Tucker is wearing blue armour. The entire  _Blue Team_ is wearing armour." Weiss said,

"No, Church is wearing cobalt. Tucker is wearing teal." Yang pointed out, "Not exactly blue."

"Yang, blue is blue. Those other blues just happen to be lighter shades of blue!"

"No, cobalt and teal are completely different colours!"

"Fucking hell Yang, BLUE IS FUCKING BLUE!" Weiss yelled out as she jumped up from her chair, with Yang doing the same, "THAT'S FUCKING IT YANG AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT! THERE IS ONE TYPE OF BLUE AND IT USES TONES TO MAKE THEM DARKER OR LIGHTER!" Yang's hair would be on fire now, if her Semblance wasn't suppressed,

"Shut the  _fuck_ up Princess, THOSE DON'T COUNT AS BLUE! THEY'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLOURS! TEAL HAS A FUCKING GREEN TINT TO IT AND YOU KNOW IT,  ** _AND THAT MAKES IT A DIFFERENT COLOUR YOU PIECE OF SHIT!_** "

" _Fight! Fight! Fight!_ " Noire called out as she had action figures of Yang & Weiss smash together before she made them make out, " _Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!_ "

"SHUT UP!" Weiss & Yang yelled out before sitting down,

"Got that out of our system?" Weiss asked,

"Yep." Yang answered, "… Teal isn't really blue." Weiss only answered with a middle finger.

 **Doc** : Hmm. Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict.

 **Church** : Doc, I don't think the situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. Could be a whole new squad! Or a Freelancer! Or-

_Cut to the Reds mid-sentence, standing in front of a new person in yellow armour_

**Simmons** : Grif's sister?

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!?" WYRN exclaimed,

"Grif has a sister!?" Yang exclaimed,

'Please be let there be incest, please let there be incest.' Ruby thought,

"There has to something wrong with her." Weiss quickly said, "There  _has_ to be something wrong with her to make her join the Reds, even if it's with her brother."

' _Gang bang. Hot, sweaty, gang bang_.' Noire thought as she started to get really sweaty.

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah. Isn't that cool?

 **Sarge** : You know I always knew there was a genetic possibility that Grif would have blood relatives. But I always held on to the hope that he was the horrible by-product of an experiment on a turd manufacturing plant!

"No, he would be a by-product of lard." Yang muttered, "Then came the sibling."

 **Grif** : Go home.

 **Grif's Sister** : What?

"Huh?" Ruby said.

 **Grif** : Go home, right now. Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home.

 **Grif's Sister** : Whatever. Make me.

 **Grif** : As much as I don't wanna spoil my reputation as a do-nothing slacker, I will not hesitate to beat you senseless and drop you in that ship myself.

"Wow…" Weiss said,

"Huh? What is it?" Yang asked, "Is something wrong?"

"No, it's just heartwarming to see Grif actually caring about someone and getting his sister to go back home, knowing that even thought the Blues aren't that dangerous he's not taking any chances." Yang's eyes widened before going back to the TV. Yang guessed she would do what Grif was doing if she and Ruby were in a similar situation.

 **Grif's Sister** : I thought you would be happy to see me.

 **Grif** : How did you even get here, we're in the future!

 **Simmons** : Hmm, I think I know how. Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light drive?

 **Grif's Sister** : Which one is the hippie drive? Is that the one with all the knobs or is it the other one with all the knobs?

"How did she even make it out of the atmosphere?" Weiss muttered as she rubbed her head,

" _There's something called auto-pilot, Weiss-chan_." Noire said, " _I should know. My body went on auto-pilot when I was plowing the state baseball team._ "

"Though, it is difficult." Ruby spoke up, "Like pissing into a urinal."

"Yeah…" Yang & Weiss said, "…Wait, what?" (AN: From reven228)

 **Simmons** : Yeah, she probably came here just using the light drive. And as Einstein theorized, in his theory of relativity-

 **Grif** (& Yang): English.

"Son of a-"

 **Simmons** : When you travel near the speed of light, time slows down for you. Essentially she came forward in time by travelling at light speed.

"Is that true?" Ruby asked,

" _In theory, yes._ " Noire answered, " _But it hasn't been tested yet._ "

 **Grif** : That's stupid.

 **Simmons** : No, that's science. Didn't you ever read the famous science fiction story where the astronaut watches his baby son being born, but then he gets in a ship-

 **Grif** : No.

"Science fiction doesn't count." Weiss said, "We need facts."

 **Simmons** : Well, did you ever read the one where-

 **Grif** : No.

 **Simmons** : How 'bout-

 **Grif** : I didn't read any of them!

"No surprise there." Yang muttered.

 **Grif's Sister** : Hey. Who's the nerd?

 **Simmons** : Excuse me, I'm not a nerd. My Mom says there's nothing shameful about being smart.

"NERD!" Yang yelled out,

" _Wait… hold on._ " Noire said, " _Grif's sister is wearing yellow armour and by the looks of it, she isn't that bright…_ "

"What is it, Noire?" Yang asked,

" _Oh, nothing…_ " Noire said before smirking a little, " _Sister._ " ' _Blake, you owe me if this doesn't work._ ' Noire thought, leaving a slightly confused Yang.

 **Sarge** : Alright Missy, there's just one thing I don't get. How'd you join the Army?

 **Grif's Sister** : What do you mean? I just signed up.

"Man, the army must be really desperate if they're accepting people like her." Yang said, "She isn't that smart and by the looks of it, she never got into basic training." Little did she know, Sarge's next few sentences would've set Beacon on fire if it wasn't for the Pink Dust.

 **Sarge** : But you're a... you know you you got lady parts.

 **Grif's Sister** : So?

 **Sarge** : So unless this is the cooking and sewing Army-

"FUCK YOU SARGE!" Yang shouted out as she nearly destroyed the TV. She would've, if Weiss & Ruby didn't grab her arm. Well… it was more like Weiss grabbing her arm while Ruby was "helping" by grabbing her boobs to keep her calm.

 **Grif's Sister** : No, I went to join the real Army.

 **Sarge** : Does your gun shoot brownies?

 **Grif's Sister** : What?

"Huh, why is he acting this way now?" Weiss asked, "Is he retarded? Doesn't he realize Tex is a woman?"

" _I think in his mind Tex is some kind of monster, which isn't too far off considering how violent and deadly she is._ " Noire answered. Ruby snickered a little since in her mind, it counted as a burn on Tex (AN: From snake screamer!).

 **Simmons** : You'll have to excuse Sarge, he comes from the old school.

 **Grif's Sister** : Thanks. By the way, nobody says "old school" any more. Actually, they told me I was too young. So I grabbed an extra suit of armour, and boosted a shuttle.

"Well, that explains her landing strategy." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Glad you learned something from me.

 **Grif's Sister** : Nohoho, I'm just kidding. I always wanted to do something like that.

 **Grif** : But why did you join the Army? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

"Really?" Yang said, "You're saying this now after Sarge suggested radioactive spiders, clones and the Hulk just to lift up a ship."

"And you can't forget getting pregnant, even though that person is a guy." Ruby added in.

 **Grif's Sister** : Well, you always looked after me when Mom ran away to join the circus.

"Wait, wait, wait, hold on." Weiss said as she paused the video, "Isn't it the other way around? Fuck, this is just straight up abandonment!"

" _Don't question it and keep watching._ " Noire said as she took the remote and continued the episode.

 **Simmons** : W-wait a second, hold on. Your Mom is in the circus? You know, at first I didn't like you, but you've already made my insults forty-five percent more efficient by just saying one sentence.

"It could become 55% if you add anything like what she does or, better yet, what Grif's sister did before coming into Blood Gulch." Yang said,

" _You said it Sister._ " Noire said. Yang didn't know why Noire was calling her that but she was starting to like nickname. She was going to regret the decision very soon.

 **Sarge** : Was your Mom a flaming sword swallower? We could use somebody to replace Donut.

 **Grif's Sister** : Nope. You know how circuses have a bearded lady, and a fat lady? Well, my Mom plays both, 'cause she's like, super-talented.

"Well, that's more genetic but… that counts, I guess?" Ruby said, 'I wonder what mum is doing?'

 **Simmons** : Oh my God. Is it okay if I record everything you say?

" _Done._ " Noire said as she pulled a tape recorder from out of nowhere.

 **Grif's Sister** : Sure! Anyway, Grif always looked after me, but when he went away, I didn't wanna be alone.

 **Simmons** : Okay, let me get this straight. You felt scared, being alone, so you decided to join a war.

 **Sarge** : She's a Grif alright.

"If she's that stupid, then imagine Grif's grandmother." Weiss said, causing the others to shiver.

 **Grif** : Wait a minute, she was the one who was tapping!

 **Simmons** : Duh.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Yang exclaimed as she saluted, "Stating the obvious everyday!"

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah. I was wondering why you guys didn't answer.

 **Simmons** : None of us know Morse Code. It's outdated.

 **Grif's Sister** : Don't you mean old school?

 **Grif** : No, don't you get it? If she was the one tapping, then what happened to Donut?

_Cut to a an immense underground cavern, with muffled voices coming from above_

"Holy shit…" Ruby muttered, "The underside of the canyon is freaking hollow!"

"So… about having precious minerals underneath the canyon…" Yang said as she slowly turned her head towards Weiss, "Yeah, that doesn't exist."

 **Donut** : A baby, wait up! I wanna see!

 **Sarge** : Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.

"Wait a minute…" Weiss muttered, "Holy shit, prepare for impact!"

 **Donut** : But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!

" _In 3… 2… 1_." Noire counted down, " _Boom._ "

_The ship lands, and Donut falls into the cavern._

**Donut** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-

"Hurry up and hit the bottom already!" Yang called out.

 **Donut:** -HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_After a good six seconds, he goes to the bottom with a thud._

**Donut** : Ow.

"There we go." Weiss said as she picked up the remote. So far, with Yang not exploding or Ruby trying to attempt a Rose Break, the Dust was working, which was good. Though, she does feel a little weird. She guessed it was just a small side effect. Anyway, she quickly turned to the TV when Yang pressed play.

**(The Grif Reaper)**

_Fade in to a view through a sniper rifle that's moving jerkily and randomly_

**Church** : See him there? Right there, the yellow one.

 **Caboose** : The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

 **Church** : The other yellow one. Dumbass.

"Well, Grif did kinda look yellow back at Halo 1." Yang said, "But he's clearly orange here. His sister on the other hand really is yellow."

" _Maybe the people who made this is making fun of the fact that fans mistaken Grif's armour for a different colour."_  Noire theorized,

"That actually… kinda makes sense. Thanks Noire."

" _Anytime, Sister._ "

 **Caboose** : Oh, that new yellow person, y-oh yes of course, yes. Uh, he looks very scary. Yes and uh, I know that because I am looking right at him, right now, yes. He is yellow. This is very interesting.

"Wait, he thinks Grif's sister is a guy?" Ruby said, "Why?"

"Well, in-universe, with all that armour it's easy to confuse genders. In the game however, I don't think there's an option to switch genders. That or male and female character models are too similar to tell them apart." Weiss explained,

"Seriously, how do you kn-"

"Shut up Yang and watch the stupid episode." Weiss quickly growled out.

 **Church** : *sigh* You don't even see him, do you.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, I don't- I don't even know how to use this thing.

"And yet, get a perfect headshot when it's Church." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Oh man, this is no good. Yellow armour. What does yellow armour mean, is that like some kinda... special ops guy or... man, this can't be good for us.

 **Caboose** : What if it's a new gun.

 **Church** : What? Why am I even talking to you, it's a person! In yellow armour, we already established that!

" _It could be a robot to them_." Noire said, " _Like a… sex doll I have._ "

"Yeah…" Weiss said, "Wait, what?"

 **Caboose** : Oh, now wait maybe they got their own medic.

 **Church** : A medic? Caboose. We're not that lucky.

"Like Blake keeps saying," Yang said as she put on a pair of cat ears, "'It's better to have a medic than a gun'." She said in a Blake like voice. She quickly threw away the cat ears when she saw Ruby pull out a fake tail with beads on the end, 'Okay, where does she get this stuff.'

_Cut to Doc with a noticeably larger baby alien_

" _Hey, the little guy grew up._ " Noire said as tears well up in her eyes, " _Like it was only yesterday."_

"It was an hour ago." Weiss pointed out,

" _They grow up so fast._ " Weiss couldn't help but face palm at the emotional 'twin' of Blake.

 **Doc** : See, my suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur?

 **Baby Alien** : Honk?

 **Doc** : Pull.

 **Baby Alien** : Hnnnk.

"Close enough!" Yang called out.

 **Doc** : Great! Once we learn all the colours, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

"Tell that to the Reds & Blues." Ruby muttered.

_Cut back to Church and Caboose_

**Church** : Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. Probably trained in, knives or... ball-kicking or somethin'.

"We have licenses." Ruby said as everyone pull out their 'Scrotal Damage Control in Self-Defense' licenses, allowing the girls to legally kick someone in the nuts and not pay the hospital bills.

 **Caboose** : Maybe he's an alien.

 **Church** : An alien that looks just like the rest of us?

 **Caboose** : And that is the scariest kind of alien.

"Well, it's true." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Why are you, even here, it would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone, and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better.

_In the background, Tucker emerges up the ramp from inside the base and starts approaching_

" _Hey, Tucker's awake_." Noire said,

"Ah shit." Yang muttered to herself, 'Three perverts. I have to deal with three perverts.'

 **Tucker** : Uh, whudldldluh. Bludludldldlah.

 **Church** : Oh well, look who's awake.

 **Tucker** : What the fuck happened?

"To save a lot of time: You got knocked up, you got knocked out." Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : Oh, well, um, uh as you may remember, uh you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from de-

 **Tucker** : Can I get the short version of this?

 **Church** : Yeah, you got knocked up, you got knocked out.

"FUCK MY ANUS!"

"Oh, I will." Ruby said, causing Weiss to blush and groan.

 **Tucker** : Oh right, I need to start workin' out. Lose this baby weight.

"Yep, not something you hear every day." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, you know, we, we should all start working out, you know, uh, especially some of us.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

 **Church** : Are you guys talkin' about me?

" _Well, I did notice some jiggle physics going on…_ " Noire muttered.

 **Caboose** : We ah didn't wanna say anything.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, that's why we said something. Fatty!

"He does know he's a robot, right?" Weiss asked,

"You know, you kinda forget about when there's a lot of other shit going on." Ruby replied. Weiss couldn't help but agree.

 **Church** : Hey back off guys, I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

 **Tucker** : Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?

 **Caboose** : He said it.

 **Tucker** : What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?

" _Which one? The one between the legs or the one between the legs?_ " Noire asked,

"What are yo-" Weiss didn't finish her sentence as she realized what Noire was implying, and promptly blushed,

"Bow  _Chicka_ Bow  _Wow_." Ruby  & Noire said at the same time.

 **Caboose** : That's Church.

 **Church** : He means the ship, Caboose.

 **Caboose** : He said it.

 **Church** : The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, and a new soldier.

 **Tucker** : Who, that girl?

"Wait, what did he say?" Yang asked.

 **Church** : Wha- Girl? That's a girl?

 **Tucker** : Duh. The yellow one, right? The one talking to Simmons?

"Holy crap, he has really good eye sight!" Weiss said, "Almost inhuman!"

" _Or Faunus level at least._ " Noire added in, " _I guess all that peeping really paid off._ "

 **Caboose** : Wow, you have really good eyes!

 **Tucker** : I have to. I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle.

"Or that." Ruby said, "Although…"

"YOU ARE NOT PEEPING ON ANYONE!" Yang & Weiss quickly yelled out,

"I was joking! I was joking!" 'I am  _so_  not joking.' Ruby thought, planning to see a real-life shower scene, courtesy of the Blonde Bombshell and the Icy Beauty, with her new friend.

 **Church** : You're positive that's a girl. How can you be sure?

 **Tucker** : Dude, look who you're talking to.

"Who, because I don't see a proper expert anywhere." Yang said.

_Cut to Grif's unnamed Sister in front of the ship_

**Grif's Sister** : The cool thing, is that I was lucky enough to get sent here! They said your Commander died, and I needed to replace the missing man.

"Donut was a Commander?" Ruby said,

"I think they're referring to…" Weiss thought for a second before giving up on finishing the sentence. There were only two official leaders in the entire canyon. Sarge & Flowers ("Bless his soul").

 **Sarge** : What? Our Commander's not dead, I'm our Commander!

 **Simmons** : And an excellent one at that, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Thank you Simmons.

'Kiss Ass.' WYRN thought.

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah. Your Commander died. And one of the troops is going to be promoted, and I was sent to replace the missing troop!

 **Simmons** : Wait, w-what's this about a promotion?

"Looks like Simmons is interested." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : Sounds like Command made some kinda mistake.

"Yeah, that's probably it." Ruby said, "It could be some other C.O from another place or something."

 **Grif** : I don't know Sarge, I thought you said Command never makes mistakes. That must mean you're dead.

 **Simmons** : Seriously, what was the promotion thing? I'm sure I heard something about someone getting promoted.

'Maybe Simmons is too interested in this promotion.' Weiss thought as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Grif's Sister** : They said one of your troops would be promoted to replace your dead C.O.

 **Simmons** : One like me? A maroon one?

 **Grif's Sister** : Hey, you're really scary. That's kinda hot!

" _It kinda is._ " Noire said, causing Weiss & Yang to move away.

 **Grif** : Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.

 **Sarge** : Don't be stupid, Grif. How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?

 **Grif** : Well if Command was wrong about you dying, Sarge, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like, like what if the Blues don't suck? ( _gasp_ ) What if the Blues are awesome? This changes everything!

_Cut to Sarge's gravesite, with everyone standing around the hole, including the deceased_

WYRN had no words to describe the mixed feelings they were having right now. Some were filled with joy, confusion… but mostly joy. Yang decided to break the silence, "…SHOOT THE FUCKER AND BURY HIM!"

"Better die a Red than admit being a Blue is awesome." Weiss muttered. She was starting to like Sarge, mostly for his humor. But him as a human being, there was no redemption,

"I don't know if I should be happy, sad, confused or… fuck it, YAY!" Ruby cheered,

" _It's going to be 28.5 again._ " Noire muttered.

 **Simmons** : Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to pay our final respects to Sarge.

"Correction: Their only respects to Sarge." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : But I was so young! And violent!

 **Grif** : And that's what makes this so tragic.

"True that." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : Mnohho.

"Um… is it reverse psychology or is it Sarge being Sarge?" Ruby asked,

" _Don't think too hard about it._ " Noire replied as she grabbed the remote, "Anyway, next episode?"

"Next episode!" The others called out. Noire smirked as she pressed play.

**(In Memoriam)**

_Fade in to the Reds for Sarge's service/The shittiest funeral ever. Of all time._

**Simmons** : And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge.

"Oh boy." Weiss muttered as she rolled her eyes,

"Here we go." Yang added in, "And now introducing the Butt Monkey of the glorious Red Team: Grif!"

 **Grif** : Hey everybody, it's great to be here. Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge. I mean besides, "good riddance." Hoooo.

"Insensitive, much?" Ruby muttered,

" _Especially when the deceased is listening_." Noire said, ' _The effects should kick in soon.'_  Noire smirked as she thought about the reactions. This was going to be priceless.

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah-

 **Grif** : But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing!

"This is getting worse and worse by the word." Weiss muttered, "Then again, they don't really like Sarge. Well, apart from Donut and probably Simmons."

 **Grif:** Hahahahaa, you know what I'm talking about.

 **Sarge** : Come on, is this a remembrance or a roast?

"I think it's more of a chance to disrespect your memory Sarge." Yang said, "No, wait. They're respecting it like the same respect you gave your charge."

 **Grif** : Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talkin' about glazed donut holes, if you know what I mean. Hiyoooo.

 **Simmons** (& WYRN): Too soon!

"Keep going!" Ruby called out.

 **Grif** : Hey now.

 **Sarge** : This is the worst funeral I've ever had!

"Of all time." Weiss muttered, before sighing.

 **Sarge:** You losers better step up the crying, pronto!

 **Simmons** : Oh, don't worry Sir, I've written a stirring speech that's sure to tug at everyone's heartstrings.

"It's going to suck, isn't it?" Yang said,

" _Well, speeches don't suck but I do_." Noire said happily, causing Yang to face palm, 'I have to be more careful next time.'

 **Sarge** : Good to hear it, now get with the eulogizing!

_Simmons runs up to the front_

**Simmons** : On it Sir.

 **Grif** : And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons'-

 **Simmons** : Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

"Damn it." Noire & Ruby muttered as the snapped their fingers.

 **Grif** : Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the Laugh Cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

 **Grif's Sister** : Whoohoooo!

"You know, I could go for a drink." Yang said,

"I might come with you." Weiss said, "Just to stop you from getting drunk because of," She then looked at the two perverts, who smiled and waved, "You know."

"That reminds me, we need to take a shower." Yang then sniffed her armpit and grimaced. Weiss got thinking before having a flash of brilliance,

"Don't worry, I have something special for them." Weiss said with a smirk, "Just wait, it'll all come together."

 **Grif** : Not you!

 **Grif's Sister** : Aw.

"Can I get a drink Yang?" Ruby asked while putting on the cutest face she could pull off,

"Aw…" Yang said, looking like she was giving in, before her face did a 180 and did a face Ruby knew too well, "NO!"

 **Simmons** : Okay, whatever, get off. Hello everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend Sarge.

" _The_   _kind of friend that treats you more like meat shields than buddies_." Noire said.

 **Grif** : Boo, you suck.

"Fuck off, kiss ass!" Ruby yelled out, freaking the girls out.

 **Simmons** : Grif, get off the stage!

 **Grif** : Uh, sorry.

_Grif retreats to the peanut gallery_

**Simmons** : Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

 **Grif** : Boooo, you suck!

"Fuck off, kiss ass!" Ruby yelled out, once again freaking the girls out.

 **Simmons** : As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader, and he was a great inspiration to all his troops.

"To die in a fire." (Weiss)

 **Sarge** : Hh, Simmons was right, this is so emotional. Where's my hankie?

 **Simmons** : He was a man of honour, discipline, and character.

"And huge bloodlust, large enough to give him a boner." (Yang)

 **Sarge** : It's like he's saying what we're all thinking.

 **Grif** : If he was saying what I'm thinkin' he'd be yawning while he said it.

 **Simmons** : But perhaps his greatest accomplishment, as a military man...

"With the worst track record in history." (Ruby)

 **Sarge** : Tell it!

 **Simmons** : And a friend...

" _Of an Abusive Father_." (Noire)

 **Sarge** : Preach on, preach on.

 **Simmons** : Was developing my considerable skills as a soldier and a leader.

 **Sarge** : What?

"Wait, what did he say?" (WYRN)

 **Simmons** : As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap in our command structure. A gap that is best filled by Sarge's right hand man. A man that has a vision for the Red Team.

 **Grif** : Sarge is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classy.

"The fuck!?" Yang exclaimed, "My God, he really wants to be the leader doesn't he?"

"Or he's insane." Weiss said, "No person should campaign during a funeral!" 'Except my father.' Weiss mentally added, remembering what happened when she was 4 and was attending her grandfather's funeral, 'Then again, it was an emotional & effective campaign…'

 **Simmons** : The Red Army is faced with a difficult choice. The choice of who will lead us to glorious victory. Let's hope they choose a great candidate. A candidate whose armour is actually a shade of red. Sarge would have wanted it that way. Choose Simmons. It's the only thing Sarge did in life, so don't let his whole existence be in vain. In closing, somebody died, vote for me.

"Wow, I get that he might still be mad about the tank thing but wow. That is just  _mean_." Yang said, slightly disgusted.

 **Grif** : Ahawesome speech!

"And with Grif to top it off! Great timing with that remark!"

 **Grif's Sister** : Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?

 **Grif** : Pretty much. Just run with it. It's the only thing that keeps you from going insane from boredom.

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah... or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine.

"Excuse me for a second." Weiss said as she paused the video, and quickly ran out of the room. The mention of medical supplies reminded her of a more effective alternative than the Brown Dust she had in the Experimental Case of Dust. And  **NO** , it isn't morphine. After a few more seconds, she came back, "Okay, keep going."

 **Grif** : Hyeah. Wait what?

 **Simmons** : Hey Sister, you're up.

 **Grif's Sister** : Awesome!

_Grif's Sister swaps places with Simmons_

**Grif** : Ooh ooh ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky.

" _Oh, I have about a million more on stand-by_." Noire said.

 **Sarge** : You couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could ya.

 **Simmons** : Your death was in the past, Sarge, and we need to look to the future. A future filled with Simmons.

"No one would vote for you, treacherous fucktard!" Weiss yelled out,

" _From Iron-Mantis, everybody._ " Noire muttered,

"What was that?"

" _Nothing_!"

 **Grif's Sister** : Hey everybody. Um, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was very old, and that's gross.

 **Grif** : Eh-heheh, I wrote that line.

"Of course he would." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once.

 **Grif's Sister** : Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead too. And if they're not then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

"That has to be the most saddest, shittiest and downright stupidest speech ever." Yang said flatly,

"Off all time." The others said at the same time, with Weiss adding in a frustrated 'FUCK!'.

 **Sarge** : This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony. Where's the flag folding? Where's the twenty-one gun salute?

 **Simmons** : Sir, the flag is an important part of our inventory. We can't just go around having impromptu foldings because we feel like it.

 **Grif** : And I was in charge of the twenty-one gun salute. Unfortunately we don't have twenty-one guns, so you'll have to settle for what I call the double-bun salute. It starts in just a few moments.

"What's a double-bun salute?" Ruby asked. Her question was automatically answered when Noire shoved her ass in her face, "Oh… heh, this is a great view."

" _I'm glad you like it, Captain._ " Noire replied before Yang & Weiss pulled her away and threw her into her seat.

 **Sarge** : Uhgh, I'll just get in my grave now.

"Yeah, you go do that." Yang said as she sat down as Ruby sobbed, missing her perfect view.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, maybe that's for the best Sir.

 **Sarge** : Oh, come on, who dug this grave? It's not nearly regulation.

"It's a hole. Get in it!" Weiss exclaimed,

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby & Noire said,

"SHIT!"

 **Grif** : Uhg, Simmons let's cover his head first.

 **Sarge** : Come on, you call that buryin'? I've had Girl Scouts bury me better. Put yer backs in to it.

 **Simmons** : This might be a bad time to ask, but... have you finished that letter of recommendation I asked for?

"Shut up and bury him!" Ruby yelled out.

 **Sarge** : Step to it men, bury faster! I'm not getting any deader. Come on, double time you maggots! Oh hey look, maggots. Maybe these guys know what they're doing.

 **Grif** : He's the chattiest corpse I've ever seen.

 **Sarge** : Work that shovel like a hoe. Work that hoe like a shovel.

" _Well, episode's done._ " Noire stated, " _And now to-_ "

*THWICK! THWICK!*

"OW!" Both Ruby & Noire shouted out as they were hit with darts, "What the h-" Noire stopped as she felt her body stiffening, darting her eyes she saw Perverted Ruby doing the same, "What the hell is going on!?"

"HA!" Weiss cheered as she danced a little, "Paralyzing Potion stuffed in syringes, For The Win! Courtesy of the Beacon Medical Facilities!" She then leaned in on Noire's face, "Oh, and don't worry. It will only last an hour or two."

"Oh thank God." Yang said as she stood up, "I can take a shower without worry for a while." She then retrieved her bathroom equipment and headed over to the JNPR's shower while Weiss took the RWBY's. Noire sighed as she look away,

" _God damn it, Iron-Mantis._ " Noire muttered,

"What?" Ruby asked,

" _Nothing._ " Noire said as she sighed sadly,

"Oh, c'mon Noire. The effects will wear off. Then we can do whatever we please."

" _It's not just that, Ruby-chan._ " Noire sighed, " _It's just… I won't get to see their reaction_."

"Huh?"

" _You know the Dust they put on themselves?"_

"Yeah…"

" _Well… it has a very beneficial side effect._ " Now Ruby was curious,

"What's the side effect?" Noire smiled deviously before she laughed evilly and uttering one word,

" _Aphrodisiac._ "

(With Yang!)

"Whew! That's refreshing." Yang said as she got out of the shower. The bathroom was pretty steamy and started fogging up the mirror. Yang like it hot. Anyway, as she was putting on a new bra, she noticed that she still felt hot, even after stepping out of the shower a few minutes ago. It would usually take a few seconds for her to cool down, 'I guess the Pink Dust is affecting me a lot more than I thought.' Yang thought as she put on the bra. Suddenly, she felt herself getting hotter, causing her to start panting. She had to hold onto the sink just to keep her from collapsing onto the ground. She looked in the mirror and saw her eye colour had a pink tint to it. Suddenly, all the heat focused onto one spot.

Her crotch.

"Oh shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	39. Are We Halfway Yet? (Strong Male Figure, Yellow Fever, Brass Tacks)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why didn't I just put up a disclaimer... All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

' _Pussy, your friends are starting to become more of a challenge to play with. But don't worry, I always get what I want._ '

You know, by now the girls should've gotten used to all the crazy situations that they're thrown into by now. Fighting giant monsters, being on the run, fighting an army, saving the world (more than once), almost dying from a pineapple and taking down an entire criminal organization was just some of their achievements. But to the RWBYs, it was just another week for them and occasionally a day. They should be strong enough to take on anything.

Well, they were dead wrong.

Apparently, God loved to fuck with them on a daily basis, triggering things that would never happen in their normal lives. They were sure no one would believe that Ruby had sugar-induced MPD, Weiss having the weirdest fetish between the team, Blake having gone missing and being replaced by a perverted imposter and Yang getting hit with rocks from another dimension and getting set on fire for random comments, all while being trapped at Beacon for the summer. And now, they were in their weirdest and most dangerous situation yet.

Weiss & Yang being under the influence of an aphrodisiac while two perverts were in the vicinity. And like hell they were dealing with it well. So now, we see the two influenced girls in the middle of the hallway right outside of the dorm, with the Blonde Brawler glaring at the Ice Heiress, "O-Okay, I-I admit. I  _m-may_  have b-b-basically skipped the l-label on the P-Pink Dust after re-reading, but at least the p-perverts didn't get a c-chance to see thanks to the p-paralyzing potion." Weiss said with stutters in between, trying hold back the feeling in stomach. She considered going back to Beacon Cliff and grabbing the Grey Dust but she didn't want to risk it as 1) she'd probably make the problem worse 2) she wouldn't have the strength to use the crowbar and 3) she didn't want to relieve herself in the middle of going there. It was days like these that she missed her Sharkie-chan (AN: Trademarked by ElfCollaborator),

"I k-know." Yang growled out as she also held back the same feeling Weiss was experiencing, "That's w-why I'm n-not punching you i-in the face right n-now." Yang took in a deep breath before asking, "O-Okay, wh-when does the effect of that p-potion wear off?"

"W-Well, it should be on f-for another hour. I-I hope." This raised Yang's eyebrow,

"'I h-hope'?"

"Well, that st-stuff isn't exactly h-human/Faunus tested. It's supposed t-to be used on G-Grimm. N-Nothing else."

"S-So Ruby & Noire might be foaming from the m-mouth right now in the middle of the r-room!?" Yang shouted out, worried about the two, "Weiss!"

"T-The only way to f-find out is t-to go in." Weiss said as they turned to the door. They both swallowed some saliva and look at each other. They both knew if they were in danger, they had to act very quickly or else they would die. If they were healthy, they were screwed (literally). They looked at each other one more time before opening the door.

And were instantly groped by Noire & Ruby.

"My boobs." Ruby said as she grabbed Weiss' breast, causing the feeling to get worse,

" _Oh come on, Ruby. We can share."_  Noire told her as she rubbed Yang's assets, making her feel even worse than Weiss,

"W-W-Weiss." Yang managed to say as she held back a loud moan,

"Y-Y-Yes?" The Heiress asked as she pressed her thighs together,

"I-I-I-I th-t-t-think t-th-t-they're h-h-h-healthy."

" _Of course we are._ " Noire said as she pulled out the syringe Weiss threw, " _It says here, '_ If a human or Faunus is injected the this paralyzing formula, the effect is reduced to 10 minutes instead of the usual 2 hours.'  _You really need to read the labels Weiss-chan_." Noire then threw a pervert grin at the two, causing them blush, with Yang glaring at Weiss again,

'I really need to read labels.' Weiss thought before her mind went blank. When she woke up, she was on her chair and staring at Noire's ass. Right now, they were getting set up to watch another set of RvB episodes, "U-Uh…"

" _Hm?_ " Noire looked behind her and saw that Yang & Weiss were waking up from orgasm-induced mini-coma they had, " _Oh, you're awake. Liking the view?_ "

'Yes.' Yang thought unconsciously until she shook her head, 'Fuck! The Pink Dust is getting into my brain. And shit, I'm still horny.' "N-No." Yang responded, not trusting herself to form entire sentences, "P-Please hurry up a-and start up the episodes!"

" _Okay Yang_." Noire said as she gave the remote to Weiss. Her hands were shaking but she managed to grab it and press play, " _Intro brought to you based on Iron-Mantis' joke._ "

"What?"

" _Nothing._ "

**(Strong Male Figure)**

'Doesn't exist in this universe.' Team WYRN thought.

_Fade in on the Alien_

**Church** : So this is it Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

" _I'll show you monstrosity!"_ Noire yelled out, " _When I'm done with you, you'll be the abomination of nature!_ "

"She really h-has maternal feelings for T-Tucker's kid…" Yang muttered before she realized something, "Wait, a-a-are you… holy shit, a-are you a mother!?" Noire giggled a little,

" _No, but I'll gladly_ ," Noire then jumped onto Yang's lap, causing a pleasurable shock to go through her system and twirled Yang's hair between her fingers, " _Be the mother of your children_." She whispered into the blonde's ear. Yang quickly pushed her off,

"H-HOW DOES THAT E-EVEN WORK!?" Yang exclaimed,

" _Not telling~_ " Noire replied as she got back on her chair and winked,

"D-Did you just give the TV a wink?" Ruby asked,

" _Nope_." Noire quickly answered, " _Brought to you by Autistic-Grizzly_."

"What?"

" _Nothing._ "

 **Tucker** : Uh, what do I do?

" _Bond with your child, that's what._ " Noire said,

"O-Okay, w-when you say 'bond'," Weiss started off before getting interrupted by the Faunus,

" _I mean like a normal parent and child. Father/Son bonding._ "

"And t-that's normal?" Yang said skeptically as she pointed to the 'family', 'It's going to be one awkward family reunion for Tucker…'

 **Church** : Why're you asking me?

" _Yeah, why're you asking the asshole who wants to kill it?_ " Noire growled out,

"Well, it's either him, Doc or Caboose." Ruby pointed out,

" _Well at least Doc cares about the little guy!_ "

 **Tucker** : I don't know how to be a Dad. This isn't the way I planned it.

"H-He planned this? Wow Tucker, I-I had no idea." Weiss admitted, genuinely surprised.

 **Church** : You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

Weiss just sighed and face palmed, "Dammit…"

 **Tucker** : No no, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal Father-Son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send cheques to some woman I hate.

"Why d-does that remind me of some sitcom we u-used to watch…" Yang said as she tried to remember the show,

"What was it called again?" Ruby muttered to herself, remembering that she watched it with Yang,

"Two and something or some other c-crap."

"What, like two girls and one cup?"

"NO!" Weiss & Yang yelled. They watched that video and it was not a pretty experience. Noire, however, brushed it off. Apparently, she's seen worse. A lot worse.

 **Caboose** : It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my Mom.

"Aw…" WYRN said at the same time, 'Wait, doesn't that mean Caboose's parents are divorced?' Yang thought.

 **Church** : Alright look let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.

 **Tucker** : Hey don't leave me here with him, what'm I s'posed to say?

" _Why don't you teach him the ways of the Super Pervert and maybe we'll talk._ " Noire said,

"I swear to God, if Noire s-somehow gets in contact with Jaune…" Weiss muttered.

 **Caboose** : Ask him if he likes baseball.

"That w-works too." Yang muttered. Weiss just looked at her,

"Yang. He was b-born hours ago." Weiss told her flatly, "Seriously, how does that even w-work!? It's an alien baby Yang."

 **Church** : It's an alien baby Caboose.

Weiss just growled as Ruby leaned in and smiled at Weiss, "I love 'em feisty, you know?" This sent shivers down Weiss' spine, which both scared her and excited her at the same time.

 **Caboose** : Ask him if he likes T-ball.

 **Church** : Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

 **Tucker** : Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

"Well, his species seems to tell elaborate and complicated lies to people, seduce them and then impregnate them… ah shit…" Weiss muttered the last part as she realized what was going to happen next.

 **Church** : Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them, and then impregnate them. So, why don't you start with that? You know, common ground.

 **Tucker** : Yeah I think I'll just stick to baseball.

" _Yeah, stick with baseball._ " Noire said, " _It's America's favourite pastime after all._ "

"Ameri-what?" Ruby asked,

" _None of your concern._ "

 **Caboose** : Tell him about how his Dad got to third base with you.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby quickly said, "And with extra Wow Wow! I didn't expect something like that coming from Caboose." Noire sniffed a little,

" _Our stupid little idiot is growing up into a fine man_." Noire said. Weiss  & Yang were wondering now when this Phase was going to end, and when Noire would leave, " _From Chaos Lord Roscoso._ "

"What?"

" _Nothing._ "

 **Church** : Caboose!

_Cut to outside the Red Base, now sans the falsely-deceased Sarge_

**Grif** : So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?

 **Simmons** : Oxygen?

"You know, the first element of the p-periodic table that allows life to be possible on any p-planet and helps us survive and is part of the l-liquid called water. Maybe you've heard o-of it." Weiss said sarcastically.

 **Grif** : Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.

 **Simmons** : Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity.

 **Grif** : He's buried six feet underground. I don't think he's got much chance for activities.

"Unless he eats his way out again." Ruby muttered, causing the girls to shiver.

 **Simmons** : Well, I don't think you're an authority.

 **Grif** : Authority? We didn't even use a coffin, we just threw a buncha dirt on him.

" _Okay, now you know the Reds & Blues are the same_." Noire said, " _They do the same amount of work in burying the dead. Disrespectful pricks_."

 **Simmons** : No; I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

 **Grif** : You know that trick?

 **Grif's Sister** : I learned from the best!

"That's one hell of an older brother right there." Yang said, "And one hell of a Grif."

 **Simmons** : Well, as your new Commander you're both gonna learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

 **Grif** : You mean after we dig up Sarge.

 **Simmons** : ( _drawing a shotgun_ ) No I mean right now, Grif.

"I thought Sarge was buried with his shotgun." Weiss muttered,

"Wait a minute, what're girly laps?" Yang asked, ignoring what Weiss just said.

 **Grif's Sister** : What're girly laps?

Yang froze for a second before brushing it off. It was purely a coincidence, right? ' _Oh, you have no idea Sister._ ' Noire thought as she saw Yang's expression.

 **Grif** : Hey, Simmons? I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun.

_Simmons cocks the shotgun_

**Grif** : And I really don't think he's gonna like you threatening me with it. ...Well okay, he might like that part.

"Like it?" Weiss said, "He'll probably sing a-a sonnet about it."

 **Simmons** : As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running, right now.

 **Grif** : But what about Sarge?

"Wow, out of all the Reds, I would've expected Grif to be the most happy about Sarge being buried." Yang said, getting nods from the others,

" _Well, maybe it's because Simmons is actually making him do work._ " Noire suggested.

 **Simmons** : You heard what Command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

 **Grif's Sister** : Aspirin overdose.

"Wait, WHAT!?" Ruby, Weiss and Yang yelled out while Noire sighed and muttered 'Knew it'. Yang quickly paused the video and stood in front of the group,

"Wait, calm d-down!" She said as a small jolt of pleasure ran through her body caused by standing up too quickly, "It might not be who we're thinking of. Let's face it, the g-girl's not that bright." The others nodded as Yang slowly sat back down,

" _Thank you Sister for calming everyone down_." Noire said,

"Thanks." Yang replied. But something in the back of her mind was telling her that she would regret it. Too bad she never listens to it.

 **Simmons** : See, Sarge is dead of a- an Aspirin overdose? Really?

 **Grif's Sister** : I know! I didn't think it was possible. And trust me, I've tried.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, wait- what?

The girls didn't want to make a comment on that, but shifted away from Noire when they saw her rub the back of her neck with a small blush on her face.

 **Grif** : Simmons, don't be stupid! He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt.

"You're wasting your breath Grif." Ruby said as she sighed, "Simmons has obviously lost it."

" _Brought to you by Iron-Mantis._ " Noire muttered,

"Seriously, what the fuck are you s-saying?" Yang asked, wondering why she kept saying random names,

" _None of your business, Sister._ "

"Yeash, I was j-just asking…" Yang muttered as she leaned back on her seat.

 **Simmons** : If I say he's dead, he's dead. I'm the leader! Me! And being the leader means you have to make tough decisions. Like, just for talking back, you can't do girly laps.

 **Grif** : You've gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Uh hoh hoh, on the contrary. I think I've gone blind with very real power.

"He's not blind from p-power." Weiss said, "He's insane with power."

"And that's why he's Second-In-C-Command." Yang added in, "Still have the power but still underneath a higher one."

"So what, you want someone on top while you do all the work on the bottom?" Ruby asked,

"Yes." Yang said without thinking. She realized her mistake when she saw Weiss' jaw dropped, "N-NO! I MEAN NO!"

"Of course you do Yang-onee-chan." Ruby replied with a smirk. Yang just gave up and sighed and went on to another subject, "Okay, seriously, what the fuck are girly laps!?"

 **Grif's Sister** : Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps!?

"Oh my…" 'Okay Yang, calm down! She may wear yellow and she isn't the smartest around but it's was only a few lines! She is not you!' Yang thought frantically in her head, 'Shit, I'm becoming Weiss.'

 **Simmons** : Both of you, shut up. You're running. I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.

"Maybe that'll clear things up." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif's Sister** : Why're you calling Red Command?

 **Simmons** : For con-fir-mation. Stop asking questions.

" _Hey, she's new. She has the right to ask questions_." Noire said.

 **Grif's Sister** : You keep talking about them. Why don't you call our guys?

 **Grif** : Our guys?

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah, the Blue guys.

"Wait, what?" Ruby said.

 **Simmons** : Excuse me, the whazzawha?

 **Grif's Sister** : The Blue guys. The guys that sent me here. In the big ship.

Suddenly, there was a lot of mental glass shattering, "Well," Weiss said after a small silence, "She's a dumbass."

"For the love of God, is she fucking colour blind or something!?" Yang exclaimed,

" _Wait for it…_ " Noire said as she held her hand up.

 **Simmons** : Grif?

 **Grif** : Uhh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my Sister is color blind.

 **Simmons** (& RWY): WHAT?!

 **Grif's Sister** :  _(whispering to her brother)_  I don't get it, what's the grey guy so upset about?

 **Simmons** : But girls can't be colour blind!

"L-Logic. Self-destructing." Weiss managed to say as she clutched her head while her brain started to shut down,

" _She isn't fucking colour blind_." Noire spoke up, " _She's just too stupid to tell the difference between colours._ "

"Okay, there m-may be the biggest idiots in the u-universe in that canyon but be honest." Yang said as she put her hands on her hips, "No one is t-that dumb." The team thought for a moment as they reviewed their past. It took them 20 seconds to decide, "Ignore what I j-just said."

 **Grif's Sister** : Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either. But guess what!

 **Grif** : Yeah! Wait what!?

" _Why don't we test it out ourselves?_ " Noire suggested as she leaned against Weiss,

"N-No, no. I'm fine." Weiss said as she moved away from her, 'Anyway, I've already tested it hundreds of times.' Weiss thought before shaking her head, 'What the fuck is wrong with me!?'

 **Simmons** : I can't believe it. With such a simple espionage plan the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick quick, get me a shovel! Uho, Sarge is gonna be pissed!

"He does know Grif's Sister has no clue which team she's on, right?" Ruby asked,

"Oh my God…" Yang said as her eyes widened, "Fuck, he's b-becoming more like Sarge every second!"

"Well, so much for the smart guy." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Hey, Simmons, if she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?

_Cut to Donut in the underground_

**Donut** : Ohh, ohh, uh- Uhhh, ohhh. Uhhhhh. What happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while. ( _random tune humming_ )

" _Well, that was certainly an interesting episode._ " Noire said as she picked up the remote, " _And we know Donut's alive so that must count for something. And also we know that the Reds & Blues make big holes. Bow Chicka Bow Wow._"

"Ass." Weiss muttered as she took the remote from Noire. So far, the Pink Dust hasn't affected them that much apart from a bit of stuttering but she had a feeling that it would get worse as time goes on. She sighed and decided as soon as she had the chance, she would grab the Grey Dust. But right now, she wanted to see more antics so she pressed play.

**(Yellow Fever)**

_Fade in to the Reds and Grif's Sister_

**Simmons** : Oh my God what's wrong with you, why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

 **Grif's Sister** : Because-

 **Simmons** : And don't say "because nobody asked"

 **Grif's Sister** : But nobody did ask!

"She's right, y-you know." Yang said,

"She's w-wearing yellow armour! They have the r-right to assume that she's a Red." Weiss pointed out,

"I'm j-just saying what's obvious."

"Oh shut up Yang." Ruby spoke up, "You just like her because she wears yellow." Yang scoffed,

"Hah! As if! I am not like Grif's Sister." Yang said as she leaned back,

' _Yeah, keep telling yourself that._ ' Noire thought as she smirked.

 **Simmons** : God dammit.

 **Grif** : So what if she is a Blue? We'll still keep her.

 **Simmons** : We can't do that. She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her.

 **Grif's Sister** : Do I get to do that? That would be awesome!

The girls looked at each other before they shifted away from the TV, "Well, at least s-she's willing to do anything." Weiss muttered, "I… respect that, I guess?"

 **Grif** : No she wouldn't. Besides she's colour-blind. We'll just tell her we're Blues.

 **Simmons** : Uh, hello, we already told her we're Red? Idiot.

 **Grif** : Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're Blue now.

 **Grif's Sister** : Woohoo, go Blue, let's win!

"…Wow. J-Just wow." Yang said, amazed by Sister's stupidity, "You k-know, I kinda want Tex b-back now."

 **Grif** : See?

 **Simmons** : Oh please, she'll figure it out.

 **Grif** : No she won't. In high school she got kicked off of the cheerleading squad three times for rooting for the wrong team.

"Okay, I've heard of cheerleading so I know that's real…" Ruby muttered as she adopted a thoughtful look, "Why don't we have one in Beacon again?" she asked,

"'Cause c-cheerleading is fucking stupid." Yang said,

"'Cause we have no sport t-teams." Weiss added in,

" _And because no cheerleader in their right mind would perform cheers for us in an area full of monsters, and would probably attract Grimm to our position and possibly get slaughtered._ " Noire finished off, " _Then again, it would be nice to see some ripped clothing before we save them. Then they'll owe their lives to us and we can make our slaves and, oh God, that would be one hot eightsome._ " Noire said as she drooled. Weiss & Yang quickly moved away as soon as Ruby joined in the daydream, " _Oh, right. By snake screamer._ "

"What w-was that?" Weiss asked,

" _Nothing._ "

 **Simmons** : No, she can't stay. I know, we'll tell the Blues that we took her prisoner. Maybe we can get something outta this mess.

 **Grif** : No way, we can't send her over there, they'll kill her!

 **Simmons** : Why would they kill her Grif, she's Blue. It's not like the Blue team goes around killing its own members.

"Oh, they irony." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif** : Oh, right, because she's a Blue. And if she's over there, then the only people that would be trying to kill her, would be us.

 **Simmons** : Exactly.

"And that is one f-fucked up situation." Yang muttered. She did not want to get into situations like that.

 **Grif** : And that means she'd be safe. Because we're like the shittiest team ever.

 **Simmons** : Well, I don't know about that. As our new leader, I have some pretty bold plans to-

" _Suck a lot of dick._ " Noire finished off as she licked her lips.

 **Grif** : But you're not the leader. It was a misunderstanding. You're the guy who buried our leader.

 **Simmons** : You helped! We're in this together.

 **Grif** : No, I made digging noises with my mouth. Remember?

"You know, I think G-Grif's laziness actually s-saved getting chewed out by Sarge." Yang noted,

"But remember, h-he'll find some reason t-to blame him." Weiss pointed out. Yang couldn't help but agree.

 **Simmons** : Oh God, get me a shovel! ( _runs off toward the base_ )

 **Grif** : Yeah, um... Okay, you're a Blue.

 **Grif's Sister** : Touchdown! Woohoo, go Blue!

"She has no idea who she's actually cheering for, is she?" Weiss stated as she face palmed,

" _I think she doesn't know what's happening half of the time._ " Noire said, " _You know, like Yang._ "

"Yeah…" said Blonde muttered, "Wait, w-what?" She shook her head and glared at the succubus, "How do you even know!? We've literally met, like, an hour ago!"

" _Pussy tells me stuff about you._ " Noire then smirked evilly in her mind, " _Like how Ruby still has pictures of Nora's hammer, Weiss' shark plushy collection with 'elegant' modifications and Yang just being plain stupid._ "

"I don't masturbate to weapon pictures!" Ruby quickly exclaimed as she blushed. She may be a pervert but like hell she would reveal her collection of weapons over the years,

"I DON'T LIKE SH-SH-SHARK PLUSHIES!" Weiss yelled out while blushing madly, 'Please don't tell me she found my back-ups.'

"I! AM NOT! STUPID!" Yang shouted at the girl in black as he eyes went red. Sure, she didn't have the best grades but at least she had something no one else had on her team: Street Smarts,

" _Keep telling yourself that, Ruby-chan. Yes you do, Weiss. And Yang, Street Smarts don't count._ " Noire told them as she laugh evilly in her mind, ' _My plan is coming into fruition! Today is the day when I shall be released! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!_ ' She then proceeded to laugh evilly on the outside before spitting out a hairball. When she sat back down, she noticed that the others, even Perverted Ruby, were significantly further away from her, ' _Like I said, all according to plan._ '

 **Grif** : No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you've gotta get outta here before Simmons digs up Sarge.

 **Grif's Sister** : I love digging, I want to help.

 **Grif** : No, you're leaving.

 **Grif's Sister** : Where're we going?

 **Grif** : The other base.

 **Grif's Sister** : The Red base?

 **Grif** : No, the Blue base.

 **Grif's Sister** : We have two bases? Awesome!

"Idiot." WYRN muttered.

 **Grif** : Move!

_Cut to Church and Caboose on top of a hill near Blue base as Tucker approaches_

**Tucker** : Hey have you guys seen Doc? I need him to babysit for a while.

 **Church** : Yeah I got him talkin' to Sheila. She's been actin' real wacky lately.

 **Tucker** : Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your average talking tank?

"HAVING A TALKING TANK IS AWESOME!" Yang yelled out, 'Good to see her obsession hasn't died down.' The others thought.

 **Church** : Don't be snarky.

"Oh, come on. You guys practically snark every day." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Sorry dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!

"…Yep, still not something you hear every day." Yang said.

 **Church** : Yeah, Sheila's been acting kinda distant and weird. Plus she's been saying these random threatening things. Kinda reminds me of somebody else.

"Oh shit." Ruby muttered, "Hey, do you think Shelia's infected with O'Malley?"

"P-Possibly." Weiss answered, "They are so fucked if he is."

 **Tucker** : So why is Doc talking to her?

 **Church** : What you didn't hear the "threatening" part I just said? I'm not goin' over there.

"Probably scared that h-he might get blown u-up again." Yang guessed.

 **Tucker** : Why not send Caboose? Aren't they like, in love or something?

 **Church** : Dude, I've had all the cross-species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose runnin' around with a hundred and thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil-spawn is enough for me.

"And I do not want to see that c-combination." Weiss said,

" _Though, that would make an interesting porn genre._ " Noire pointed out, " _Man-on-Machine action._ "

"T-Thank you for putting that i-image into my head." Yang said as she groaned, regretting imagining it in the first place,

" _You're welcome, Sister._ "

 **Tucker** : Don't talk about my kid like that.

 **Church** : What's your deal?

 **Tucker** : I don't know, I think I'm kinda getting in to this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. Gruuhgh.

" _Aw… he's starting to care for the little guy._ " Noire said as her eyes started to well up with tears.

 **Church** : Of course you are. That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for Dad of the Year.

 **Tucker** : Don't judge me.

"Yeah, considering it was pretty unexpected." Ruby added in, "Doc knows a lot more about babies than Tucker so he's doing the right thing to let Doc babysit him while he learns how to become Dad of the Year!"

"Which will take m-many more years." Yang quietly added.

 **Church** : Anyway, Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and give her a little tune-up.

 **Tucker** : But Doc's not a mechanic, he's a doctor. 'n not a doctor, a medic. I guess he's not really a medic either 'cause he's never really helped anyone. He's just some, annoying guy that we know, with purple armour, who's annoying.

"T-That's actually an a-accurate description." Weiss said.

 **Tucker:** Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.

 **Church** : I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.

_Cut to Doc in front of Sheila_

"Don't you fucking dare make her inoperable, Doc." Yang growled out, "I. Will. End. You."

 **Doc** : Yeah maybe Yoga lessons weren't such a guhood idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter... out through the manifold... in through the air filter... out through the manifold.

_Sheila aims at Doc's forehead_

**Doc** : Uh, okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry, that isn't me.

"I don't know…" Ruby muttered, "You  _are_  pretty irritating."

 **Sheila** : Sure.

_Cut to Church looking at Sheila through the sniper rifle as she aims directly at him_

**Church** : Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

"Doesn't help h-he's giving Sheila yoga lessons." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Hey Blues!

 **Church** : Aw crap, here we go. They must have figured out how fucked up our team is right now. Oh shit, they even brought their new guy t-

 **Tucker** (& WYRN): Girl.

" _Asshole_." Noire added.

 **Church** : What ever! Just play along. Act like our team is okay, and we have everything under control.

 **Tucker** : Please, I been puttin' on that act fer like three years now.

"Nice acting, Tuck." Weiss whispered to herself.

 **Church** : What do you want, Red?

 **Grif** : I got a prisoner for you!

 **Church** : What'd he say?

 **Tucker** : He says he has a prisoner for us.

 **Church** : Oh what, they're giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

 **Tucker** : Reds aren't that smart.

"Which is completely true." Yang said, "Especially when everything is going to shit for them."

 **Church** : Okay normally I would agree with that. But this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

 **Tucker** : Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my ear plugs and hide all our food?

"Well, he isn't that loud, or loud at all, but he is pretty fat." Ruby pointed out.

 **Church** : Up yours dickhead. Why would they wanna give us one o' their guys?

 **Tucker** : Why're you asking me?

"Good point." Yang said.

 **Church** : Oh right. Why're you giving us one o' your guys as a prisoner?

 **Grif** : She's one o- your guys! She came to our side by mistake! What's their deal, why aren't they going for this? We have to hurry. I gotta get back before Simmons digs up Sarge.

"He has t-to." Weiss spoke up, "If S-Sarge finds out she's a Blue before s-she's actually in the Blue Team, he'd kill h-her without remorse."

" _Then again, he probably never hit a girl in his life._ " Noire pointed out,

"Wait, didn't he take out Tex back in Season 1?" Ruby asked,

" _He thought Tex was a guy back then. And it kinda shows_." Ruby couldn't help but giggle a little at the latest insult to Tex. But then she thought it over, 'You know, for some reason I feel like I'm going to regret hating her.' She thought, but quickly dismissed it, " _Based on hylianodst's review._ "

"What?"

" _Nothing._ "

 **Church** : I don't buy this. Whadda you want for her?

 **Grif** : Uhm, nothing. It w- it was an honest mistake, uh you can have her back now, no harm no foul. Well, look can we hurry this up?

 **Church** : Yeah, this is bullshit.

"I-I have to admit, i-if I was in a situation like that, I-I would be pretty skeptical." Yang admitted. The others nodded their heads, admitting doing the same as well in that situation.

 **Tucker** : Ask for something else.

 **Church** : Uh, we want something else.

 **Grif** : What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

" _This is the worst negotiation ever_." Noire said, hoping to hear the three magical words of…

"O-Of all time." Weiss said, "BASIL NUTS!" Noire looked at the Heiress with a disappointed expression,

"' _Basil Nuts'_?  _Really?_ "

"Oh, s-shut up."

 **Tucker** : Got any money?

 **Grif** : Fuck you dude! Get going, call me if you have any problems, and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of Mom.

"You mean the fat, bearded lady who left you guys for the circus?" Ruby asked rhetorically, "Yeeeeaaa-aaaahhh, it's kinda hard to imagine your family getting more embarrassed then that."

 **Grif's Sister** : Don't do me any favours, bitch.

 **Church** : What else was on the ship?

 **Grif** : What do you mean!?

"You know, like guns or weapons. Something of that variety." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Yeah like guns, or weapons...

"You've got to be fucking kidding me…" The Ice Mage muttered as she groaned.

 **Tucker** : Or snacks! Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to.

 **Grif** : Nope, just the girl. Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

"B-B-B-B-B-B-BURN, BITCH!" Yang shouted out.

 **Tucker** : That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

 **Grif's Sister** : Woohoo!

"Okay, I spoke too early with my burn."

"Don't worry Yang. I'll take care of it for you as your sister." Ruby said as she stood up, "YOU GOT BURNED, BITCH!"

 **Grif** : God dammit! Never mind, just send her back!

 **Church** : No takebacks!

 **Grif** : Ahw, what the fuck!?

"Hey _, it was your idea to let her go over there in the first place. All you can do is blame yourself_." Noire said, " _From snake screamer._ "

"Huh?" Ruby asked, "What did you say?"

" _Nothing._ "

_Simmons approaches from the rear-_

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow!_ " Noire said,

"Seriously, there was n-nothing to perv about!" Weiss exclaimed,

" _You must be hearing things._ "

_-and joins Grif_

**Simmons** : Oh my God Grif he's gone!

 **Grif** : Who's gone?

 **Simmons** : Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there.

"Shit, he must've fallen into the cavern with Donut." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif** : What? Did you dig in the right spot?

 **Simmons** : Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

"Okay, take a c-chill pill dude." Yang said as she took out a bottle labeled with two words. 'Chill Pills'.

 **Grif** : Oh calm down.

 **Simmons** : Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Awh, at least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what're you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

"Oh… this got a-awkward fast." Weiss said.

 **Grif** : Uhhh, nothing. So that uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

 **Simmons** : Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues?

_Grif starts backing away..._

**Simmons** : What's she doing over there? ...Why're they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Whoa they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif, hey! Where'd he go?

"Okay, I have to admit that's kinda awesome for the Blues to do that for Sister, especially with all that armour on." Ruby said as she picked up the remote. The others couldn't help but agree. They were already treating her way better than the Reds ever will. It was only a matter of time before they realized her IQ. Ruby threw the remote in the air for style points and pressed play.

**(Brass Tacks)**

_Fade in to Church talking with Sister_

**Church** : Well uh, welcome to Blue Team. I guess we should probably give you uh, some kind of orientation or somethin' like that. So this is the uh, this is the base here. This is the outside of the base. ...Inside's on the inside... go through that door, right there, get to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here, there's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller, does the same thing though. Uh, it's got a basement, ...nuhm, there's a middle part 'n' there's a top part... got some, you know blue flags here, on the outside, 's come in handy when you're, you know tryin' to identify the colour of the base, it's blue. Anyway, that uh pretty much covers the base, so... anyway, yeah, that's it.

 **Sister** : Cool.

"He could be a tour guide after the war is over." Yang said sarcastically, "Stupid tour guides…" The girls discovered her annoyance to tour guides when she almost blew the poor guy off the largest building in Vytal (AN: Bow Chicka Bow Wow),

" _So, he's joining in, isn't he?_ " Noire said out of nowhere,

"What're you t-talking about?" Yang asked,

" _Stuff._ " She simply answered. The girls didn't press any further.

 **Church** : I'm Church, I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the Blue Team is: don't kill the leader. That's me.

"Yeah, that rule isn't too popular with the B-Blues." Weiss muttered.

 **Sister** : That's it?

 **Church** : That's it.

 **Sister** : Sounds easy.

 **Church** : Yeah well we're, still waiting for someone to follow that rule.

Weiss couldn't help but laugh a little. Sure, if it was her she would choke out the person who killed her but right now she just wanted to laugh at someone else's stupid problems.

 **Church:** So anyway, uh tell me about yourself. What's your training?

 **Sister** : Training?

 **Church** : Yeah. What've you been told so far.

 **Sister** : Oh right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. ...Did I pass?

"Yep, Command must be really getting desperate." Yang said, "That, or running out of money to train people like her."

 **Church** : No, I mean like what kind of military training do you have. Weapons?

 **Sister** : Uh, those sound violent.

"That's the point of weapons." Ruby said as everyone pulled out their own, "We just have different styles on how we execute these acts of violence."

" _Yeah, like missionary, doggy style, 69, meatspin,_ "

"Wrong styles." Ruby said as the others blushed as they imagined themselves doing things like that. The Pink Dust was really starting to get to them, "But nice thinking."

 **Church** : Operations?

 **Sister** : I don't even know how that works.

 **Church** : Communications.

 **Sister** : Say what?

 **Church** : Huhhhh, intelligence?

"Wait for it…" WYRN said as they leaned in.

 **Sister** : Uhhh, huh?

 **Church** : Hhh, great.

"Real shocker there." Yang muttered as they leaned back,

" _Thank you for stating the obvious Sister_." Noire said,

"You're welcome." Yang said with an eye roll, before she stopped and started thinking. After a few seconds, she groaned, "Ah… fuck me."

"Which style?" Ruby asked, causing Yang to groan more.

 **Sister** : Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need. Unless you wanna see my ping pong ball trick.

 **Church** : Yeah... wait, what?

Yang groaned even more. She knew the trick Sister was talking about. She… could do it herself, but only when she was alone. Apart from that time Ruby walked in to her doing it back home.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons running from right to left_

**Grif** : Slow down!

 **Simmons** : There's no time, Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge, and then finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole.

 **Grif** : You dug a hole, and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

" _Why don't we test it out ourselves on other holes?_ " Noire suggested with Ruby nodding. Weiss & Yang quickly covered their crotch in response. Too bad they cover it  _too_ quickly, as they felt a massive jolt go through their bodies. They were pretty close now but like hell they were going to give up.

 **Simmons** : No no no, I mean a hole at the bottom. It opened in to some kind of, big cavern.

_Grif stops running_

**Grif** : A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?

"W-W-What? Are y-y-y-you sc-sc-scared of big, bad b-b-b-bats?" Yang asked as she bit her bottom lip, 'Fuck! I need to get away from everyone soon.'

"P-Please d-d-don't talk a-about b-bats." Ruby stuttered as she remembered the team's experience with the Cave Devil Grimm. That was not fun.

 **Simmons** : I don't know, why, are you afraid of bats or something?

 **Grif** : Afraid of bats, no. Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

 **Simmons** : I didn't see any bats, okay?

 **Grif** : Did you hear any bats?

 **Simmons** : No.

 **Grif** : Did you smell any bats.

 **Simmons** : I don't know what bats smell like!

" _They smell like bat shit and blood_." Noire muttered to herself.

 **Grif** : And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

 **Simmons** : It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.

"W-W-W-Well, s-s-sucks for t-t-t-them." Weiss said, really trying to restrain the feeling in her gut.

_Cut back to Church and Sister, now joined by Tucker and his mutant baby_

**Church** : And this, is Tucker.

 **Tucker** : Sup.

 **Sister** : Hey.

 **Church** : Tucker's job is to do... what, I guess nothing.

 **Tucker** : I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on Blue Team, Rookie: be cool.

 **Sister** : I thought the only rule was "don't kill the leader."

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

"Really?" Ruby said, "Because you're already breaking the 'Be Cool' rule."

 **Sister** : Awesome, on the Red Team, we make that rule-

 **Junior** : Rawr, rawr rawr.

 **Sister** : Oh cool, you have a dog?

" _It. Is. A baby, you DUMB PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!_ " Noire yelled at the TV. She was about to destroy the TV in a fit of rage if the others didn't restrain her (ignoring Ruby's suggestion to hold her down with bondage ropes).

 **Tucker** : Uh, that's not a dog, that's my kid?

 **Sister** : Oh, cool, you have a kid that looks like a dog?

 **Church** : Nice save.

" _I WILL MAKE YOU AND TREAT YOU LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!_ " Noire yelled as she tried to attack the TV again,

"H-H-H-Hey, R-R-Ruby?" Yang whispered to her perverted sister,

"Yeah?" She replied,

"Y-Y-You know t-t-those r-r-r-ropes,"

"Don't worry Yang-onee-chan, I'll get them later."

_Cut briefly to Caboose exiting Blue Base toward the ramp_

**Church** : Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose, come here!

 **Sister** : I thought about having a kid once.

" _O-Okay, I can forgive you for that_." Noire said as she calmed down.

 **Tucker** : Oh really? It's a lot of work.

 **Sister** : Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

 **Tucker** : Heh, yeheah... wait, what?

Noire stood up and walked out of the dorm. They waited 20 seconds after Ruby paused the episode for Noire to do something, " ** _FUCKYOUSISTER_** _!_ " They heard echo from somewhere in the school, " ** _FUCK_** _BEING MY **FUCKING**  DOG! I WILL  **FUCKING**  DRAG YOU TO MY  **FUCKING**  TORTURE CHAMBER,  **FUCKING**  STRAP YOU ONTO THE  **FUCKING**  TABLE AND  **FUCKING**  MAKE YOU MY **FUCKING**  BITCH BEFORE I  **FUCKING**  WHIP YOUR  **FUCKING**  ASS UNTIL THERE'S NOTHING  **FUCKING**  LEFT OF IT BEFORE I  **FUCKING**  HANG YOU FROM YOUR  **FUCKING**  ANKLES AND **FUCKING**  PROCEED TO MAKE YOU  **FUCKING**  WISH YOU WERE  **FUCKED**  AND  **FUCKING**  DEAD AND BECOME MY  **FUCKING**  SEX SLAVE AND MY PERSONAL  **FUCKING**  TOY!_" There was a silence after that as the girls in the room processed everything Noire jus-" _AND, **FUCKING**  HELL, I AM NOT  **FUCKING**  DONE YET!_" No wait, she's still going, " _I WILL SHOVE EVERY! SINGLE! **FUCKING**! TOY! I OWN AND MAKE YOU JUST  **FUCKING**  DILDOS AND  **FUCKING**  ANAL BEADS ON THE INSIDE BEFORE I  **FUCKING**  MAKE YOU BEG FOR MY  **FUCKING**  STRAP-ON BUT NOT BEFORE SUCKING EVERY  **FUCKING**  DICK AND  **FUCKING**  VAGINA IN  **FUCKING**  REMNANT AND  **FUCKING**  VOMIT OUT THE  **FUCKING**  CUM AT MY  **FUCKING**  FEET BEFORE I STRAP YOU BACK ONTO THE  **FUCKING**  TABLE AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR A  **FUCKING**  WEEK FEEDING YOU ONLY  **FUCKING**  WATER AND  **FUCKING**  BREAD BEFORE I ACTUALLY  **FUCKING**! **FUCK**! YOUR!  **FUCKING**! WHORISH!  **FUCKING**! BRAINS! OUT OF YOUR  **FUCKING**  ASSHOLE, YOU  **FUCKINGFUCK**  OF A  **FUCKFUCKING**  BITCH!  **FUCK**!_ " Again, RWY waited for Noire to come back into the room, " _Sorry if you've heard my outburst, I just needed to get that out of my system_.  _Sorry if I overreacted._ " Noire told the team calmly as she sat back down on her seat. She looked around and saw Yang & Weiss horrified and Ruby staring at her in amazement, " _So, shall we continue?_ " They decided not to ask how, why or when Noire does all that stuff but they decided that it was better left unsaid and forgotten (AN: I had to go back and add more 'Fuck' in Noire's "speech").

 **Church** : Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you'd possibly need to know about Blue Base.

 **Caboose** : Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

 **Church** : Caboose, what did I tell you.

 **Caboose** : That there are no regular girls.

"W-W-Well, i-i-i-it's t-t-t-t-true." Yang said as she looked at her adopted sister in red with MPD and mummy issues, an Heiress to a multi-billion Lien company with daddy issues, pictured Faunus who's bad at hiding her identity and betrayed a formerly peaceful terrorist group before going peaceful again and looked at herself. The adopted older sister of Ruby who lost her parents a long time ago and loves the sensation that comes from a new car/tank/plane/any-type-of-vehicle smell and can literally set anything on fire. Even water.

 **Church** : Exactly. Alright, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, aaand just don't bother me. Or Tucker.

 **Caboose** : What do I tell her?

 **Sister** : Well, I already know the rule.

 **Caboose** : I hate that stupid rule.

"Of course you do." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker** : Go show her Doc and Sheila.

_Caboose turns to look back toward Blue Base, where Doc and Sheila are hanging out_

**Caboose** : The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

_A black figure is seen sneaking behind Church, Tucker, and Junior._

"W-W-W-Wait a-a-a-a m-m-m-minute, w-w-w-who's t-t-t-t-that?" Yang asked. Ruby instantly recognized the figure though and growled out her name,

"Tex."

 **Church** : You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. ...And further away.

 **Sister** : Who's the black one?

 **Church** : The black one?

 **Sister** : Yeah, the one in the black armour? The one standing right behind you guys.

 **Caboose** : The black one, yeah. ...Wait, what?

"W-W-W-Well, t-t-t-that's i-i-i-it f-f-f-for t-t-t-this s-s-s-s-set." Weiss said as she turned off the TV, "W-Well, I-I-I n-n-need to t-t-t-take a sh-sh-shower r-r-r-right n-n-now s-s-s-s I-I-I'll b-b-be r-r-right b-b-b-back." She was about to leave when she felt Ruby grab her hand. She cursed under her breath as she felt another shock go through. She turned around and saw Noire make Yang shivering mess as she poked the Brawler in the right places. She wondered if Ruby could do that to her. She shook off the impure thoughts as Ruby started speaking,

"Don't even bother Weiss-chan." She said, "We know you're suffering from your 'urges' so, me & Noire will give you a proposition. You let us sate your desires in exchange for… a favour." Weiss saw the devious smirk on Ruby's face and was going to say no. She had to get that Grey Dust before the effects get worse. Then again, she read somewhere that it was more satisfying to have someone do it for you than doing it yourself…

"NO!" Weiss yelled out, now losing the stutter caused by the Pink Dust's effects, "I have standards, damn it! And I will never,  _ever_  give into your perverted desire to fuck me!" Ruby only chuckled in response,

"'Fuck you'? As much as I would like to, Noire won't let me as she wishes to lose her own innocence first." This surprised the Dust User. Who knew Noire still had her virginity? "Anyway, I will do nothing of the sort until you accept it. All I will do is," Ruby then whispered into Weiss' ear. She blushed as Ruby went on. It wasn't sex in a sense but it was dangerously tipping over the edge of it. And she could do all of that without ruining her clothes? It was almost too good to be true, even when Ruby added in that she could get rid of the Pink Dust on her skin. But this was a difficult decision. Should she give into Ruby and let her do her thing, but get rid of her standards? Or, should she wait out the storm and reject Ruby's offer?

You decide.

…

…

…

…

…

…Not.

"Fuck. That." Weiss said as she pushed Ruby away and started making her way over to Yang, Myrtenaster in her hands. Ruby was going to stop her, but Weiss saw this coming. She ducked at the last second and rolled away. She quickly grabbed Crescent Rose and aimed it Noire while charged up her Ice Dust and blasted Ruby with it, freezing her to the wall. Noire quickly noticed Ruby trapped and was about to save her when she turned her head and saw the wrong end of the Scy-ifle. Weiss kept her eyes on Noire as she helped Yang up, whose clothes were pretty messy now, "You okay?"

"I-I'm f-f-fine." Yang said, out of breath, "S-So, w-what d-do w-we d-do n-now?" Weiss looked at Yang and smirked. As Noire looked at the end of the barrel of Ruby's gun, something inside her was starting to awaken.

'Ugh… where… am I?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	40. Now We Are (The Nesting Theory, Splunked, The Haystack)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh... I just remembered the longest chapter in this fic is in a couple of chapters. That's gonna be Hell. All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

' _Pussy? You're awake? Well, it doesn't matter now. Enjoy the show._ '

" _Do you think we went too far_ ,  _Ruby-chan?_ " Noire asked,

"Um… maybe. I don't know." Ruby responded while hanging upside down. Weiss & Yang had tied the two perverts in duct tape & chain cocoons and had gotten rid of the Pink Dust in their system (even though it took a few hours more than it should've). Now back at their full strength and wanting answers, it was interrogation time. Yang paced around the room while Weiss aimed Crescent Rose at the two's heads. They knew it was going too far but they were really starting to crack now as they felt the days grow longer and their sanity really starting to slip. Ruby was silently growling at her but she knew if she made one false move, she was a goner. The blonde kept walking in circles before she smashed a vase onto the floor and went up to Noire. No one knows how she got the vase. Just go with it,

"Alright, we want answers now!" Weiss said as she pointed both Myrtenaster & Crescent Rose at Noire menacingly, "Who are you, and what have you done to our friend!?" She growled out as she leaned in. Noire smirked as she looked at Weiss seeing that she had grown at least a cup size from their experience together, "AND STOP STARING AT MY CHEST!"

Noire sighed before she spoke, "Alright _, alright. Jeez, you don't have to yell Weiss-chan_."

"And don't. Call me. Weiss-chan." The Ice Heiress said as she pressed the gun against her skull, "Talk. Now."

" _Okay, like before. My name is Daisy Noire Belladonna, or Noire to my friends, and…_ " She paused for dramatic effect, annoying the two girls pointing their weapons at the Faunus' head, " _I'm Blake's twin sister._ "

"EH!?" Yang exclaimed as she looked at Noire in disbelief, "How can that be!? Blake never told us she had a sister!" Noire then sighed sadly and shrugged her shoulders as best as she could,

" _That's 'cause I never got the chance to tell her, she just originally thought I was a crying spirit and she let me take residence in her body after mine died._ "

"Yeah… wait, WHAT!?" RWBY yelled out, "You were dead!?"

" _Yeah, isn't that obvious?_   _I did say 'spirit' & 'died'._" Noire pointed out. The girls decided to drop their weapons as Noire explained further, " _Basically, my body's umbilical cord choked my real body and killed me before I was even born. I was crying for years before Pussy Sis heard my spirit and offered to let me stay in her body with her. Basically the same situation as that one manga I read, 'Teizokurei Monophobia' or Ghost Talker's Monophobia in English… that manga series being part of the reason why Pussy's afraid of ghosts._ " The two unbinded girls looked at Noire in disbelief at her explanation,

"You're serious?" Yang got out, remembering one time she read that manga, "This isn't another shitty ghost story like Weiss'?"

"Hey!" Said former ghost exclaimed,

"Sorry!"

"Too soon, Yang." Ruby told her sister before turning to Noire, "Is it really true?"

" _Yup!_ " Noire happily said as she swung back & forth from her binds, thinking she may as well enjoy it, " _Every single word I've said is true._ "

"Then why are you…" Weiss started,

" _Perverted, kinky, horny, kinda fucked up_?" Noire responded, soon noticing the girls blushing, " _That… actually came naturally from me reading over Blake's shoulder while she read the Ninja Of Love series… man, I love those books_.  _I wonder if Pussy still has the 6th book…_ "

"I knew they were smut…" Yang muttered, remembering all the times Blake said it was 'creative literature', before saying, "Okay then, moving on…" Yang turned her head towards Ruby, "I heard you talking about how you knew the other personalities. Mind explaining?" Ruby gave off a cat-like grin,

"Sure Yang-onee-chan!" While Ruby proceeded to explain how she knew, Noire was grinning, ' _Holy shit, they actually bought that bullshit! I was actually born roughly during Season 2 or 3. Hooray! Thank you jgresidentevil!_ "

(Meanwhile in Blake's Mindscape)

Blake just stared at the TV as she processed everything Noire just said and thought, and responded accordingly, "…BULLSHIT!" 'I swear, when I get out of this cage…' Then she realized something and face palmed at her own stupidity, "This is  _my_ mindscape." She then fazed through the bars, "And I can do whatever I want."

"Apart from getting out right now."

"Yeah." Blake responded to the mysterious person behind her, "Wait, what?"

(Back to reality)

"Well… that was, uh…" Weiss was now trying to respond to Ruby's explanation about how she knew about the Phases. It involved a lot of psychology terms and stuff about the brain she couldn't understand or cared to listen to, "You know what, let's just stop this conversation and watch more RvB. I'm already confused enough."

"You're telling me." Yang said as she sat down and grabbed the remote. She waited for the others to take their places, "Alright, let's get this party started!" She declared as she pressed the commonly used button in the world of home videos, play.

**(The Nesting Theory)**

_Fade in to Grif and Simmons looking straight down_

**Grif** : Yep, that's a hole alright.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby said,

"Really Ruby? Really?" Yang said,

"Yep."

"We are starting to run out of stuff to say, aren't we?" Weiss muttered,

' _From Autistic-Grizzly._ ' Noire thought, ' _You see, I'm listening._ '

 **Simmons** : That's what I told you!

 **Grif** : Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

"Does he not see the giant hole in the ground?" Ruby asked rhetorically,

" _We can't see the hole in the ground, Ruby-chan._ " Noire pointed out, " _Halo 2 doesn't have much of a dynamic environment._ "

"What?"

"She means that the environment doesn't change in reaction to something happening." Weiss explained, "For example: if one throws a grenade, it would leave a hole rather than leaving a burn mark or leaving no evidence of a grenade blast at all."

"Seriously, how do you know all this crap about video games? Do the Schnees help publish games!?" Yang asked,

"No…" Weiss answered, not mentioning that almost every game she plays had a Schnee symbol on the cover art or within the game itself.

 **Simmons** : Right. I think it fell through that hole in to the cavern.

 **Grif** : Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury 'em. That's part of the circle of life you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats, that would just be interfering with God's divine plan.

"If it's God they're messing with, God must be one messed up son of a bitch." Yang said, before a rock smashed through the window and hit her, "OW! Hey, haven't seen these things in a while." Yang said as she read the note on it.

'You're right, but I still don't like it. Just remember, God can set you on fire.

-U & H'

Yang was about to scoff and throw away the note away, until she realized why she keeps getting set on fire from out of nowhere. She knew she'd better watch her mouth from now on.

 **Simmons** : Okay, A, Sarge wasn't dead; B, decomposing takes months, not minutes; C, his armour would still be here; and D, shut up, you're going down there. Now.

 **Grif** : Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck, we'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you 'you suck'.

 **Simmons** : Shut up and get in the hole Grif!

"Isn't that familiar…" Weiss muttered, remembering Simmons attempts at putting Grif into a hole when he was a Blue. She had to admit, seeing someone pushed into a hole is pretty relaxing, strangely. Especially if it was someone she hates.

 **Grif** : You suck Simmons. Hoho man, this new system's already workin' out great! We should have thought of this years ago.

 **Simmons** : Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered. We already lost Donut and Sarge, now it's four on two. The Blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now. At any moment they're gonna come over that hill, guns blazing yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

"Considering Tex just showed up, they'll be running to their base with her shooting at them, yelling 'RETREAT' instead." Weiss predicted, "And after that whole ordeal with York & Delta, I bet she's pissed."

_Cut to the battleground that suddenly surrounds the Blues as Tex ruthlessly shoots at them_

**Church** : RETREAT!

"Son of a bitch… seriously!? How many times do I have to correctly predict what happens until this stops!?" Weiss really wanted to curse but she wanted to avoid saying fuck around Noire & Ruby,

" _My bet, when we get T-Boned while in the air and not explode._ " The 'spirit' of Blake's 'twin' said.

 **Tucker** : Aaaaaaahhhh!

 **Caboose** : Running, running, running, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

"Yeah, they better run from the pain coming at them." Yang said, "Though, I don't think it would be very effective."

 **Sister** : Who is that?

 **Tucker** : That's Tex.

"Yeah, the fucking bitch." Ruby muttered,

" _You know, with that type of hate you're gonna regret it later, right._ " Noire told the red-cloaked girl,

"I don't care, as long as she dies, I'm fine."

"You should really get out of that mindset Ruby." Yang spoke up,

" _Hey, why don't you? You hate everyone else as much as Ruby._ "

"Hey, Weiss does too!"

"Sorry Yang, but I like Caboose & Donut and I do tolerate the other team's stupidity." Weiss said, "You're on your own for this one." Yang decided to shut up at this point, feeling like the situation would get worse if she retorted,

" _Good._ " Noire said before muttering, " _Hypocrite._ "

 **Sister** : Whoah, he's a badass.

 **Caboose** : ( _hit_ ) Ow.

"That was a Headshot, I think." Yang commented, "I know Caboose has a thick skull but hell, he's one resilient man."

" _See, it's easy to give props to someone instead of yelling about how stupid they are._ " Noire said, " _Isn't it fun?_ "

"No comment."

 **Sister** : He's kinda hot.

"How does she not…" Yang started,

"Nobody knows Tex is a girl unless they hear her talk." Weiss interrupted, "Seriously, you should know by now."

_The Blues heroically take cover behind their base and not die_

**Tucker** : Tex isn't a guy, she's a girl.

 **Sister** : Oh, sorry. She's a badass. She's kinda hot!

 **Tucker** : She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

 **Sister** : Oh yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore?

"Is she really asking that question right now!?" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Church** : Are you seriously asking that question right now?

Weiss just sighed after that sentence.

 **Caboose** : Last time I was shot, I got a Purple Heart. Yeah uh I hope this time, I get a Purple Lung. You see eventually I, I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

"Wait, what about Doc?" Ruby asked,

"He's wants to make friend, not an idiotic, shit-for-brains do- _medic_ who thinks that abomination of nature is FUN!" Weiss yelled out,

" _FUCK YOU WEISS!_ " Noire yelled back, " _DON'T EVEN THINK OF TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE GUY LIKE THAT!_ "

"I-I was talking about T-Tucker." Weiss stuttered out, shaken from Noire's shouting. Noire sat back down on her seat and rubbed that back of her neck,

" _Oh… I'm pretty sure what Caboose actually needs is a Purple Brain._ " ' _Cue dialogue in 3… 2… 1…'_

 **Tucker** : Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain.

"Oh dear lord." Yang said as she groaned, 'May they never meet.'

 **Caboose** : You're just jealous, 'cause you have no friends.

"Which is technically true, I guess." Weiss said.

 **Tucker** : Why is she shooting at us?

 **Church** : How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

"That's a good point." Ruby muttered, 'Bitch.'

 **Tucker** : Well, go out there and tell her to stop.

 **Church** : Yeah, I'll get right on that.

 **Sister** : Uh, aren't you like, the leader or something?

 **Church** : Uh- yes Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you, our Field Negotiator.

 **Sister** : Awesome!

"At least I'm smart enough to know that isn't awesome." Yang said.

 **Church** (& Weiss): Yes, congratulations we're all very proud of you.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"Why are you mad?" Ruby asked, confused, "Technically both you and Church did a double sarcastic insult on Yang."

"…Good point. Thanks Ruby." Weiss conceded with Yang muttering, now annoyed that her sister turned against her, "Oh, and you burned, bitch!"

 **Church:** Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

 **Sister** : Cool.

_Sister stands up in to the line of fire without a care in the world_

**Sister** : Hey, Tex! Stop shooting you  **stupid bitch**!

"Okay, I have to admit, I would say that." Yang admitted,

"' _Would' or 'Have'?_ " Noire said as she smirked while Yang groaned. In Blake's mind, Blake couldn't help but groan. They were pinned down during one mission and Yang had the bright idea to yell that at the enemy. She got shot at instantly.

 **Tucker** : Nice negotiating.

 **Church** : She's not firing. I think that actually worked.

" _To be fair, if I heard anyone who was actually brave enough to insult Tex I would think I was a Blue as well._ " Noire admitted.

 **Church:** Maybe she's outta ammo. Let me check.

_Church stands ups *BANG* and is immediately shot in the head, leaving a standing ghost and ugly body behind_

**Church** (& Weiss): Nope, she still has ammo.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

" _Are you swearing like that because you're fond of the show and it's classic catchphrase, or is it just to avoid the word 'Fuck' during this Phase_?" Noire asked,

"I don't have to answer that." Weiss replied as she crossed her arms, turned her head away and her chin held up high,

" _Okay, so both then_." Weiss gave up and just sighed  & groaned, ' _The ultimate joke brought to you by aznalpha, Warlord-Xana, RT fan, Cure Rider Phoenix & Hazzamo_.' Suddenly, a red brick smashed through the window and hit Noire's head. She didn't feel it (Blake did though) until she heard it drop to the floor. She saw the note and picked it up, " _Oh God, did upset RT or U & H or something?_" She asks herself as she unfolded the note. She was surprised to see that it was long, had millions of spelling errors (AN: Corrected for your convenience) and written entirely out of red crayon. It read:

' **Dear Noire Something Whatever, or as I call you 'Almost Legal Sexy Cat Lady of RWBY',**

**I've noticed lately that you have been breaking the fourth wall a lot and I gotta say, it's all fucking amateur hour. I mean, why bother acknowledging the existence of some random fuckers (and the occasional fuckettes but let's face it) if you don't have fun with it. Like telling a few crappy jokes at their expense of using your awesome sword gun thing to slice a few heads off. Oh that reminds me, tell your soon-to-be-actual-awesome-standard-crazy friend Ruby that I wantz her scythe… rifle… scy-file? Is that what it's called? It says here on the official fan site that it is. Oh, who gives a shit, it kills things and that's all that matters. I'll show those black doggies my awesome skillz with that thing… Shit, getting off topic, ignore that last part and continue reading the greatness in my words! Look, what I'm trying to say is, if you're gonna break the fourth wall, learn from the master (and no I don't mean Ferris Buller. Shit, who the fuck names their kid after a carnival ride any way!? And a boring one at that!?). Okay we good? Good. Because I got some Fan Fiction of my own to write and I can't do that on an empty stomach. I'm off to pick up some chimichungas and a twelve-pack. No wait, make that a 24 pack. I'm having a contract over later and he's an alcoholic and I need to poi-I mean sweete-fuck it, splatter his brains out while I chug his beer down. Point is, I need beer & food if I'm going to write this fiction crap, and I might as well be drunk while I do! Well, at least try due to my healing factor but hey! MORE BOOZE FOR ME!**

**With Love**

**The Merc With The Mouth, The Regenerating Degenerate, The Amazing Guy Spider-Man Copied, The Best There Is At Whatever Wolverine Does, Totally Not A Parody Of Slade Wilson AKA Deathstroke, Wade Wilson AKA Deadpool. <3 And some jackass named Scam Man.**

**P.S: If you want to join the exclusive club of Fourth Wall Breakers along with that stupid kid from Save By The Bell and Scarecrow (hate that guy, by the way), there's a vacancy available only if you assassinate Matthew Broderick (We don't need to remember that awful Godzilla movie anymore thanks to that killer reboot! Oh, and that shitty Spider-Man 3 movie. Ugh! You know what, just kill that guy too. [I know it has no monsters but fuck it was ba-wait, IT'S BY SAM-FUCKING-RAIMI!? Well, you should still kill him.]** **)**

**P.S.S: Could you give me your hot partner's digits when she becomes legal, I may be a perverted killer for hire but at least I'm a respectable perverted killer for hire!**

**P.S.S.S: GOD DAMN IT UKNOWN! DON'T FUCK WITH THIS LETTER! But if you do and make me more awesome, good for you! But if you do it again, I'll kill ya.** (AN: Duly noted)

**P.S.S.S.S: Hey, Reader! If you're reading this in Nolan's voice, go out and buy my game. It should be 20 bucks by now but add in another fifty just in case! It all goes to the Deadpool Relief Fund. Together, we can help Deadpool become super rich, eat all the tacos in the world and let him blow shit up. And if you already have it, play it again and actually beat it this time! No just the final level, 100% everything!**

**P.S.S.S.S.S: Also, if you're reading this Ryan Reynolds' voice, WATCH MY FUCKING MOVIE AGAIN BEFORE I CHOP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND MAKE YOUR EYES WATCH IT! And bring popcorn! Buttered of course.**

**P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S: …Bye Bye.** '

Noire & Blake, inside her own mind, looked at the note and they both said, "What. The. Fuck." 'Wait, who's Uknown?' Blake thought, ' _Oh… shit._ ' Noire thought as well.

 **Tucker** : Nice recon work.

 **Church** : I'm gonna go get my body back.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, good idea.

"Good luck with that." Yang added in.

_Cut to the inside of the cavern, as Grif falls screaming to the ground and lands on the front of his face_

The girls couldn't help but snicker a bit as they saw Grif face plant onto the ground, "That would've been a good screen saver." Ruby said, with the others agreeing.

 **Simmons** : ( _landing gracefully behind him_ ) Tada!

 **Grif** : ( _standing up_ ) Ugh, you didn't have to push.

 **Simmons** : Yeah I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper... This guy!

"Why do they keep getting all the cool stuff?" Yang muttered, "Freaking tanks and cars…"

_Back to the Blues courageously behind their base_

**Church** : Hey Tucker, is my body on straight?

"Amen Church." Weiss muttered as she looked at herself, "I still wonder if I'm back in this body properly after that whole ghost thing." Yang was about to point out that that's impossible, but Noire beat her to it. Yang just settled for grumbling.

 **Tucker** : Dude I don't even know what that means.

 **Tex** : Freeze! Nobody move.

 **Tucker** : We're already not moving. You could have just said "everyone keep doing what you're not doing."

 **Tex** : Shut up!

"So this takes place after Out of Mind… so Tex knows Doc doesn't have Omega anymore." Yang said,

" _But the million Lien question is: Where is he now?_ " Noire said.

 **Tucker** : Whatever.

 **Church** : Tex, what is your problem?

 **Tex** : My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc any more. He's jumped in to somebody new, and I'm not trustin' anybody, until I find out who.

"They already know Doc doesn't have an A.I… but they don't know where he is right now." Weiss stated,

" _I just said that_." Noire said,

"I know, just clarifying it for myself and others."

 **Church** : Yeah, we already know all that. We're on top of the situation.

 **Tex** : You are? Then who did O'Malley jump in to?

 **Church** : Oh. Yeah I meant, I meant we were on top of everything right up until that point.

 **Tex** : Typical.

 **Sister** : Who's O'Malley?

"The Worst Villain Ever." Ruby muttered,

"Of all time." Weiss added, "Damn it!"

 **Tucker** : Eah, it's just some computer program that wants to destroy the Universe. He infects people around here from time to time, but neh, it's no big deal.

"Like they said: Worst Villain Ever. Of All Time." Yang said.

 **Sister** : Sounds scary.

 **Tucker** : Naw, it's all good baby, I'll protect you.

 **Sister** : Hyeah, that's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop scratchin'.

 **Tucker** : Okay, never mind.

" _Ooooohhh…. What did the last guy do_?" Noire said, interested on what this person did,

"Something I don't wanna know." Weiss muttered as she moved a bit away from Noire.

 **Church** : None of us are infected Tex, but I am a little worried about the tank. She's been actin' really weird lately. Can an A.I. implant in a ... Tex?

 **Tex** : Who's the girl?

 **Church** : What? Who Sister? Oh she's just a new recruit.

"Bad move from Church." Yang said, "Things are gonna get pretty ugly soon."

 **Tex** : You mean to tell me I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourselves a new girl?

 **Church** : Oh. Um...

" _He just dug his own grave, didn't he?_ " Noire muttered, ' _Sounds like someone else I know._ '

 **Tucker** : Whoa. Tread lightly dude, tread lightly.

 **Caboose** : You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right, just, now.

"Well, that sucks for the Blues." Yang said as she gave the remote to Weiss, "Then again, it sucks for the Reds too, now that I think about it…"

"So, basically, everyone's screwed to varying degrees." Weiss summarized, "Let's just see if things get better or worse." Weiss then pressed play.

**(Splunked)**

_Fade in to Sarge in the cavern_

**Sarge:**  Yeaow, what in the... stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we run all those drills for?

" _Hey, you have to be prepared for anything_." Noire muttered as she leaned back.

 **Sarge:** So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh. Not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway?

"God." WYRN answered quickly, "Rule One of Heaven: Thou not allowed to fuck with God."

 **Sarge:** Need to get me a couple o' Marine Angels, get this place spic 'n' span in no time.

" _I wonder if you become they fallen angel if they do a mortal…_ " Noire thought out loud, " _Better yet, what happens if_ I _fuck them…_ "

"Don't put that image into my head." Weiss groaned as she imagined Noire riding one like a pony, saddle and all, 'Though, I am curious…'

 **Sarge:** You know now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even that new Bible they rewrote in twenty-forty, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut.

"Who's Ben Stiller?" Ruby asked,

"I don't know, some douchebag or some shit." Yang answered.

 **Sarge:** Wait a minute, afterlife!? Underground cave!? What if this isn't Heaven! What if it's... noh, it couldn't be. Could it?

"It's not freaking Hell, Sarge." Weiss said.

 **Donut:**  Oh hey Sarge. What're you doin' down here?

 **Sarge:**  It is! Oh, it is.

" _Well, it kinda is for Sarge right now_." Noire said, "He can't really stand Donut for long."

_Cut to Caboose, Tucker and Church watching Tex and Sister from afar_

"Well, at least Tex isn't murdering Sister right now." Yang said, a bit relieved that Sister was okay, at least for now.

 **Church:**  Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us.

 **Tucker:**  Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means.

"Threesome." Ruby & Noire said as they smiled lecherously, " _I'd pay to see that_." Noire said as imagined the scene,

"I'll get the camera." Ruby said and was about to dash but was stopped by Yang, who grabbed her cloak, "Aw c'mon!"

"Don't even bother Ruby Rose." Yang said in a stern voice, "I'm sure there's no porn in Red vs Blue so don't even bother trying."

 **Caboose:**  Yeah. Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racket.

Ruby sighed as she remembered one of her first attempts at making a weapon without Qrow's help. It went from a sword, to a crossbow to somehow a gun that shoots guns. Sure, it was a bit counter-intuitive but at least the guns it shot out exploded.

 **Church:**  Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

 **Tucker:**  Oh why not.

 **Church:**  Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months, they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a twelve hundred dollar phone bill. That's fact.

Weiss quickly paused the episode before she glared at the others, "Wait a minute, you guys said that 1200 Lien phone bill was my 25%!" Ruby laughed nervously, Blake in her head was feeling guilty and Yang was reminding herself that they had to. Ruby spent her share to repair Crescent Rose after a really nasty battle, Blake spent her share on Dust she needed to replace all the Dust in Weiss' weapon and Yang spent her share on fire-proofing her uniform after a very particular incident involving Nora and testing a new type of grenade,

"Whoops!" Yang said as she "accidently" un-paused the episode, "Look at that, interesting shit!" Weiss sighed as she knew she couldn't resist watching more,

"I'll remember this." Weiss told the girls as she turned back to the TV,

' _You can thank RT fan for that save Pussy._ '

 **Tucker:**  Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds.

"The Reds aren't that perverted. Right?" Yang said as she looked at her teammates, "Right?"

"Well, a few years alone can really change someone. A few years without another gender can  _really_  change someone." Weiss said. She got that from personal experience. Let's just say she used to go to an all-girl boarding school before being home schooled by a tutor and let's leave it at that.

_Back to the cavern_

**Sarge:**  Nooooo. Moooan.

 **Donut:**  It's been crazy down here Sarge.

 **Sarge:**  Noooo.

"Okay, what the fuck is he doing?" Ruby asked, "He sounds like he's a crying ghost or something."

" _Well, thank you Ruby._ " Noire muttered (fake) angrily as she crossed her arms, " _Glad to see you're dealing with the fact that I **died**_   _so well._ "

"Sorry! I forgot! It must've been hard for you." Ruby quickly apologized. She stuck her hand out at Noire, "Friends?" Noire couldn't resist the face Ruby was making, and she knew that even if she was actually angry, it wouldn't be for long,

" _Friends, Ruby-chan_.  _Also, it may have been hard but it made me even harder. Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ " Noire couldn't help but giggle as the other girls groaned.

 **Donut:**  You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found.

 **Sarge:**  Sorrowful sounds. Pleas for forgiveness.

 **Donut:**  Sarge, keep it down.

 **Sarge:**  I have sinned.

"You have sinned so many times that I'm sure you sinned your armour before sinning everywhere in the base, covering your charge in sin and making them do sinful acts where they spread more of their sins around until the whole canyon is covered in their sins." Ruby said, causing the girls to blush, "…I'm talking about semen."

"W-W-We ge-get it R-R-Ruby." Weiss stuttered, "L-L-Loud & C-Cl-Clear."

 **Donut:**  We don't want them to hear you.

 **Sarge:**  Donut. Don't interrupt my repentful moaning. If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

" _Actually, he doesn't_." Noire said, " _I think Hell was created to make people pay for their sins and learn from them, and won't stop until they do. Then they're allowed to go to Heaven._   _God only does this stuff because they must pay & learn their lesson, not because he likes it._"

"When did you become religious?" Yang asked,

" _I'm just stating what I know_." Noire answered before looking away, " _Then there's our God._ "

"What?"

" _Sorry, I was just talking to myself._ "

 **Donut:** This isn't Hell, Sarge! And you're not dead.

 **Sarge:**  Repent! Repent!

 **Donut:**  Come on Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I've found some really crazy stuff. Look!

_Donut and Sarge peer at a Blue facility from a distance._

"Oh great, there's a Blue Base right underneath Blue Base." Weiss muttered as she face palmed, "Smart thinking Command." She said sarcastically, "Let me guess, there's a Red Base under Red Base as well."

 **Sarge:**  Why that fort looks like a Blue Base. And just when I thought Hell couldn't get any worse.

 **Donut:**  Yeah, but look at that.

_Donut points at a big purple thing._

"Oh my God, it's another floaty thing." Yang said as she stared at it, "Seriously, we've been good! Why do they get all the cool stuff!?"

"They're on an alien planet in the future, Yang." Ruby pointed out to her sis, "Emphasis on 'Alien' & 'Future'."

 **Sarge:**  What in the hell is that thing?

 **Donut:**  I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs.

 **Sarge:**  Donut why didn't you report this?

 **Donut:**  I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell.

"And that's a clearly valid reason as well." Weiss said.

_Queue radio sounds_

"Speaking of which."

 **Simmons:**  Come in Sarge, are you there?

 **Sarge:**  Hello, is that you Simmons?

 **Donut:**  No, I'm Dooonut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

"He doesn't realize Sarge is talking into the radio, is he?" Yang muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Shut up, Donut.

 **Donut:**  Uh, okay?

 **Simmons:**  Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay.

 **Sarge:**  Fine. What's your location?

 **Donut:**  I'm standing right here, next to you!

 **Sarge:**  Shut up!

" _Yeah. Shut up Donut and let the man speak._ " Noire said.

 **Simmons:**  We're looking for you right now, this place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some kind of peninsular outcropping.

 **Sarge:**  Euh, you're on top o' Grif's what?

Ruby thought for a moment before saying, "C'mon, put you your heads together and figure it out."

"Sarge & Donut aren't exactly on the same level." Weiss informed the perverted girl,

"One may be bigger, one may be smaller, what's important here is that when they put their heads together, magic will happen." Yang started thinking about what Ruby was saying and put it into a different context, before blushing accordingly. Weiss saw the Brawler blush and realized what Ruby was saying, "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

 **Donut:**  Grif isn't anywhere around here.

 **Sarge:**  Donut, I told you to be quiet!

 **Donut:**  Well stop asking me stuff then.

 **Simmons:**  No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.

 **Sarge:**  Roger that, I've got Donut. You sit tight and we'll find you.

 **Simmons:**  Roger that. Simmons out.

 **Grif:**  Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?

"That must be one short ruler then." Weiss muttered. She then noticed the stares pointed directly at her, "What?" They proceeded to do different things to show respect. Ruby proceeded to high-five the Heiress, Noire nod respectfully and Yang proceeded to say her favourite word in the English Dictionary,

"BURN!"

 **Sarge:**  I just talked to Simmons on the radio.

 **Donut:**  Ooohohoh, the radio.

 **Sarge:**  I told him to hold still, we'll come to them.

 **Donut:**  Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is. There's no landmarks or anything, just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack.

 **Sarge:**  He said they were standing on some kind of a, penis nu-

 **Donut:**  Oh! I know where that is. Let's go.

"There's a penis rock?" Ruby said as they relaxed for a bit before starting the next episode, "I wonder how that feels."

" _Don't try it._ " Noire quickly informed Ruby, " _Blake tried it once out of curiosity once and it was not pretty._ " Inside Blake's mind, Blake was getting angry. She never did that! Not even when she was desperate! She was shaking in rage how Noire was going to tell lie after lie about her and was probably going to ruin her life in the process. She needed to act. Now,

"Let's show this bitch who she's dealing with." Blake told her partner-in-crime, who nodded in response. Back in the real world, Ruby had picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(The Haystack)**

_Fade in to Grif and Simmons in the underground lair._

**Grif** : I heard something that time.

 **Simmons** : You didn't hear anything.

 **Grif** : There, did you hear that?

 **Simmons** : Yes, I heard water dripping.

 **Grif** : Sounds like bats!

"Paranoia, much?" Weiss muttered. His fear of bats was stupid. Bats are harmless… unless you count the Cave Devil, then you're screwed.

 **Simmons** : Bats, aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip.

 **Grif** : Bat-water!

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na BAT-WATER!" Yang sang out, "Wow, that was lame."

"Never do that again." Ruby said flatly, "Ever."

" _Well, there's always Bat-Dick._ " Noire spoke up,

"Huh?" Noire pulled out Blake's Scroll and showed her a picture of a well-endowed bat, "Holy shit. Wait, why does Blake have a photo of this?" Blake, meanwhile, face palmed. She forgot to delete that photo after Yang downloaded on her Scroll just to see Jaune's reaction while Yang's was being repaired, 'I must be the unluckiest Faunus in the world right now.' She thought.

 **Simmons** : There are no bats!

 **Grif** : You don't know, what if you're wrong?

 **Simmons** : Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body-armour. It's designed to deflect bullets, and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do?

"…Why can't they just us the cool stuff already." Yang whined,

"Alien, Future, Military-Grade, ring any bells?" Weiss told the Blonde,

"I know but, we should at least teleport by now."

"Don't talk about teleportation." Weiss groaned, "Purple Dust doesn't fucking work!"

"Huh? Purple Dust?"

"Just shut up & watch the episode." Weiss grumbled as she sat back down on her seat.

 **Grif** : ...So basically you're saying that you think there's bats.

"Just go with it Simmons." Ruby said as she sighed, "He's obviously too scared to think straight."

 **Simmons** : Sure, why not.

 **Grif** : I'm getting the fuck outta here.

 **Simmons** : No you're not Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.

 **Grif** : At least let's go stand by the light.

"At least it'll help them see better and give Grif a bravery boost." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict "no moving" policy.

"It's like a few feet away, Simmons." Ruby pointed out, "Man up already and break the rules!"

"Of course you would say that." Weiss muttered as she stretched a little.

 **Grif** : But the light-

 **Simmons** : No.

 **Grif** : -would help us see the bats!

 **Simmons** : NO.

 **Grif** : And their fangs!

 **Simmons** : NO!

 **Grif** : Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.

"Is Simmons afraid of snakes?" Weiss asked,

"Bah, I'm not afraid of snakes." Ruby boasted, "The trick is to make sure to keep an eye on both heads."

"Ruby, not all snakes are like King Taijitus." Yang told her younger sister,

" _Listen to Sister over there_." Noire spoke up " _You got to remember that there are still animals out there not out to destroy Humanity._ "

 **Simmons** : You're an asshole Grif, why would you bring up snakes?

 **Grif** : I'm just saying. I know you don't like Snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they-

 **Simmons** : Alright, screw it, I'm gonna go stand by the light.

"Wimp." WYRN muster at the same time, ' _Thank you Iron-Mantis. You're doing a really good job on the jokes. That goes for everyone too._ ' Noire thought.

_Cut to Blue Base, then to Doc approaching_

**Doc** : Okay, I talked to Sheila, you guys were right: she definitely seems a little odd.

 **Church** : Yup, so whaddaya think?

 **Doc** : I, think she seems like there's something wrong.

"That's already obvious Doc." Weiss said, "But can you really blame him. He isn't really trained to fix tanks. Or trained at all."

 **Church** : That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man. Because we knew something was wrong.

 **Doc** : I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

 **Church** : How about fixing her?

 **Doc** : Well surprisingly my medical training didn't cover internal combustion.

 **Church** : What a shitty medical school.

"It's called having a degree in engineering, something a medic wouldn't have." Yang said.

 **Tucker** : Yeah where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

"Uni-what-ery?" Ruby asked, "What's that?"

" _You know, I would explain but I really just don't want to._ " Noire said as she yawned a little,

"It's only 12pm." Weiss said as she checked her Scroll,

" _I know, I just feel like taking a cat nap_."

 **Doc** : Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! Who's Jamaica State's Fighting Irish.

 **Church** : That's Notre Dame.

 **Doc** : Well since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws. So-

"He doesn't have to have a medical certificate to actually be a medic there, isn't it?" Weiss guessed.

 **Church** : Never mind. Just go back down there, and see if you can reboot Sheila.

 **Doc** : Reboot her?

 **Tucker** : Yeah dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and then you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

"I don't think that would help if she's infected…" Yang muttered.

 **Doc** : I don't think that'll work.

 **Church** : Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter...

 **Tucker** : Yeah, I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs worked out.

"I have to agree with the guy who keeps getting covered in soot 'cause of the damn thing." Ruby muttered as she crossed her arms.

 **Church** : We even rebooted Caboose's armour once. Although, that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

 **Caboose** : It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side-effects.

"Ah shit." Weiss whispered to herself, "Getting drained of his blood, having multiple minds at once and getting them forced out, and now a lot of dead brain cells caused by the loss of oxygen. He's taking more brain damage than a normal person should be taking."

 **Doc** : No, I mean I don't think it'll work because I'm not going back down there. She's not exactly in the best of moods.

_As if on cue, Sheila fires a shell up in the general direction of the gathering_

**Doc** : See?

"Well, you've got to hand it to Doc, he might completely suck at being a medic, but he knows not to risk his neck to mess with a tank that's possibly possessed by an evil A.I." Ruby said,

" _Or on her period._ " Noire added in, ' _Thank you snake screamer._ '

 **Church** : Yeah, we need to get someone sneaky down there who can turn her off.

 **Doc** : How 'bout Tucker?

 **Tucker** : Who me? No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker.

 **Doc** : Oh, that's your response to everything.

 **Tucker** : What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker. ...How 'bout Tex?

"Not a very good choice since she's not exactly in a trusting mood." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah we couldn't afford it. If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kinda dumb, so that we could fool them in to betraying that trust, for our purposes...

"Someone very, very blue." Yang added in,

"This is not gonna end well." Weiss muttered.

_Church and Tucker both look back at Caboose_

**Caboose** : Hey... everyone is looking at me. ...I love when they do that- Hi everybody!

_Cut back to the vast underground lair, and two bodies lying motionless on the ground_

**Donut** : See? And these are the two bodies I was telling you about. At first I thought they were sleeping, but then I realized they were dead.

"Wait a minute…" Ruby muttered as she studied the bodies, "Shouldn't have the bodies decayed by now?"

"Yeah…" Yang said as she looked at the bodies, "If they really were in the future, the bodies would've been long gone and only leave armour. And if it wasn't, they should at least show a sign of decay. But they still look fresh."

" _Game limitations_." Noire simply said before going back to the TV.

 **Sarge** : Blues never sleep, they're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that "scheniving."

 **Donut** : And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because their blue armour.

"Yeah, you could go with that." Weiss said.

 **Sarge** : Yeah that too. You know at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal, but it's amazing how a couple o' Blue corpses can really spruce up the place, make it feel like home.

 **Donut** : Yeah, we could hang a couple o' drapes, get some wicker chairs, oh, this place will be fantastic.

"Yeah, sit in your good ol' wicker chairs and watch Blue bodies burn, because that's everyone's favourite pastime." Yang said.

_Cut to an alternate viewpoint of Sarge and Donut. After a brief silence, Sarge turns towards the camera._

"Hm, a mysterious on-looker…" Ruby whispered to herself, "What is it up to?"

 **Donut** : Everything okay Sarge?

 **Sarge** : What? Oh yeah. It's just that I can't shake this feeling. The feeling that we're beinnnggg watched- ha, got ya! D'aw, son of a-

 **Donut** : Um, that was pretty dramatic.

" _He does have a flare for drama_." Noire noted.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, it usually works better if someone is standing there when I do that. ...Kind of like now- dammit. I'm normally not wrong about this kind of thing, hello- durka dur.

 **Donut** : Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?

 **Sarge** : No, stupid, motion-activated proximity radar. It's standard issue. I guess I need to get mine calibrated. Hey, what the heck is that thing?

"Whatever it is, it's probably not good." Ruby said.

_Cut back to Simmons and Grif_

**Simmons** : Sarge should be able to see us here, right?

 **Grif** : Yeah, who cares. Hey Simmons I was thinking, if we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?

"It could be an old mining area where the Reds & Blues actually fought for resources rather than flags and abandoned it when it ran out." Yang guessed.

 **Simmons** : That's a pretty good point... Grif...

 **Grif** : What the- are you okay?

_Simmons has been shot with a glowing purple dart of some kind_

"Okay, where did that come from?" Ruby asked as she saw the rather large dart hit Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, why do you ask?

 **Grif** : Huh, you got a pink thing on you.

"It's more of a hot lightish-red." Ruby corrected,

"Pink."

"Whatever!"

 **Simmons** : Wha? Like a snake? Get it off...

_Simmons collapses_

"Snakes aren't pink, Simmons." Weiss said as Simmons, "And they don't exactly shoot darts!"

 **Grif** : Simmons? Simmons? ...Huh?

_Grif gets shot with a dart in the neck_

**Grif** : Ow.

" _Oh, that has go through the jaw_!" Noire said as she winced.

_Nine more to various parts of his body_

**Grif** : OW!

"And maybe a few limbs." Yang said as she grimaced.

_One more to his crotch for good measure_

The girls quickly crossed their legs as soon as they saw that, "Okay, I even felt that." Blake said as she was setting up. It was almost done.

 **Grif** : Oh wow hey look, bat-people. Please don't eat me bat-people.

"There are actual bat-people!?" Yang exclaimed, "Okay, maybe Grif irrational fear of bats might be helping."

" _Well, that's another set down for the count_." Noire said as the girls relaxed, " _You know, I haven't actually played with Blake's body yet._ " She sat up and looked at it, " _I wonder if she really had sharp ni-OW!_ " Noire clutched her head in pain as she went to the floor,

"Noire! What's wrong?" Ruby asked, worried about her friend. Noire shook her head as she sat up,

" _I-I'm not sure._ " She answered, " _It feels like someone just blasted a shotgun into my-OW! FUCK!_ " Noire clutched her head again as she felt two sharp pains hit her. Inside her head, Blake was wielding a ridiculously large mini-gun and shoot wildly while her partner was going to town with giant swords the size of cars,

"HEY BITCH!" Blake yelled out as stopped firing and replaced it with a Bat-Zooka, "GUESS WHAT? THE PUSSY CAT'S BACK AND SHE'S BRINGING A FRIEND!" She then proceeded to slam the bat into the ground while shooting multiple rockets out. Back in the real world, Noire was barely standing,

" _Stop it, you're gonna-OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW_!" Noire finally gave up and dropped to her knees,

"Oh God! Noire, are you okay!?" Ruby asked frantically while offering a hand. Noire slapped it away as she slowly stood,

" _I-I-I_ ," Noire struggled to form words as the girls looked at her, " _I need fresh air!_ " Noire rushed out of the room as she cried tears of pain. Ruby quickly stood up and was about to follow her, but Yang stopped her,

"Ruby, stay here. It's better if I go comfort her. I am Blake's partner, and by extension Noire as well, after all and she's technically been with me & Blake from the start." Yang said as she grabbed a box of tissues and med-kit they kept in their room just in case, "Don't worry about her." Ruby hesitantly nodded, "I'll also let you play with Weiss if you wanna calm down."

"WHAT!?" Yang glared at the Heiress, causing her to sit down in shame,

"I'll be back soon, okay?" Yang told Ruby, who nodded. Yang nodded back and went out to find Noire (AN: From aceman88). After a few minutes of silence, Ruby looked at Weiss with a lecherous grin,

"Wanna play dress up?" Ruby asked. Weiss didn't want to talk so she quickly waved her hands around to signify that she didn't want to. Suddenly, her left arm went dead. She looked at it and saw that her left arm was dead, and the ghost of it was left,

"I knew I didn't put this body on right." Weiss muttered to herself. Suddenly, she had a spark of brilliance. She saw last time that she used her ghost form to access Blake's mind, and possibly found Noire while in there. If she used it right, she could Real Ruby back and keep her in control for the rest of the summer. She knew she had a bad run with being a ghost but it couldn't hurt if it was just one of her arms, right? She took the risk and accessed Ruby's mind. After a few seconds she took it away and regained control of her left arm. She couldn't believe what she just saw in there. Or rather, what she didn't.

She was gone.

Real Ruby is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	41. Past The Limit (Terms and Provisions, Missed Direction, Where Credit Is Due)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes & dialogue and scenes are from the wiki itself and are RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

' _Blake, stop this! Please! Oh God, it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! STOP! STOP! STOP!_ '

As Noire clutch her head in pain, trying to relieve the excruciating pain in her head, Blake & her partner was observing the scene. From the looks of it, she was a wreck. Her hair was messy, her clothes were disheveled, her eyes were red from all the crying and her cat drooped down. She looked totally pathetic. The two almost felt sorry for her.

Almost.

"Should we lighten up?" Blake's partner asked as she got herself a giant hammer. Blake thought for a moment as she closed her eyes,

"I've been dealing with her for weeks. She kept talking to me about trying to do things I would never do to the team. She has mocked me. Annoyed me. Taken me to the brink of insanity I, the one who created her, never knew that was inside of my own mind. I've haven't done anything wrong to deserve her. I've paid for my sins through my blood, my soul and blood of creatures that threaten both Faunus & humans. I've done things I'm not proud of today, or will do things that will send me straight to hell. But her very existence has driven me to a point where I can't stand it anymore!" She shouted out as she turned to her partner, "And you're telling me after all of that, after weeks of torture, manipulation, and images that would make a person physically sick, to let up the punishment she truly deserves!? To what she did to you as well!?" Her partner looked down before looking at her with rage in her eyes, "That's what I thought."

"Uh… wait, why are we doing this again?" Blake stopped what she was about to do as she looked at her partner,

"Wh-What!?" Blake exclaimed, "H-Haven't you seen what she's done?"

"No… don't you?" Her partner asked, "You said before you can't watch the episodes. I can't see it too, or anything that happens right before or during." Blake's jaw dropped at that. It was true she couldn't watch the episodes but she could see what her team's reactions were and what Noire does with her body. Hell, she watched it with her. Though, that would explain why she was oddly quiet,

"A-Are you blind or something!? You know what, screw it." Blake said as she got out a weapon, "I need more revenge." Her partner nodded as she slammed her hammer into the ground.

(Real World!)

" _FUCK!_ " Noire yelled out as she felt another imaginary hammer smash into her head, " _P-P-Please, j-j-just st-s-stop…_ "

"Noire!" Noire looked up and saw Yang running up to her with a first-aid kit and an ice-pack. From the looks of it, she was worried, "Are you okay?"

" _Y-Yeah._ " Noire lied, " _I'm fi-AH!_ " Noire clutched her head as another powerful headache hit her,

'You piece of SHIT!' Blake yelled in her mind as she slammed down a gravity hammer,

" _OW_!"

'Taking over  _my_ BODY!' Her partner slammed her own hammer after Blake said this,

" _AWWWWWW_!"

'Making up LIES!' Cue Blake throwing plasma grenades,

' _P-Please, st-stop._ ' Noire thought as she sobbed,

'Ruining  _my_  REPUTATION!' Blake pulled out a Lollipop Chainsaw and stabs it into the ground,

' _Please…_ '

'And most of all,' Blake said as she pulled out a flamethrower, 'Trying to turn  _my_  best friends into your playthings and trying to destroy whatever we have LEFT!'

" _IT FUCKING BURNS!_ " Noire yelled out as she flopped over and collapsed on the ground, ' _Why have you forsaken me classicalass?_ '

"Noire." Yang said as she helped the cat girl get onto her feet, "Answer me truthfully. Are you okay?"

" _I-I told you, it's just a headache._ " Yang narrowed her eyes as she saw Noire smile, trying to hide the pain. She knew that it was fake. It was the same smile Blake gave her when she was in heat a couple of months ago. Luckily, Ozpin gave her some special Dust that would help suppress it until it passed. And even more luckily, she spent all of her time chasing Sun. It was good to know she wouldn't jump girls or else she would've slept in a cage, " _I-I just need some fre-FUCK!_ " She stumbled around before leaning on Yang,

"Noire, stop lying." Yang said sternly as looked at the state Noire was in, "Tell me. I'm not your enemy. You can trust me." Noire saw something Yang's eyes and she knew she should stop lying. She wanted to forget the plan she had set up and actually enjoy being on the outside. To be… real for once. Blake saw and felt what Noire was feeling and ordered her partner to stop. She felt guilty. Blake sighed as she knew she was going to regret this later,

'Fine, I'll stop. But you're going back after Season 5.' Blake said as she made all the weapons disappear,

' _Th-Thank you._ ' Noire told Blake before looking at Yang, " _Don't worry Yang. I'm fine now. Thanks for worrying about me_."

"Hey, that's what friends are for right?" Yang responded as she gave Noire a smile, causing her to smile back, "I'm just glad you're okay. That must've been one hell of a headache."

" _No kidding._ " Noire said before looking down with a sorrowful look on her face, " _I-I'm sorry. For everything I've done to the team. And violating Blake's body. And making Ruby molest you to no end. And stealing your panties when you weren't looking._ "

"Don't worry ab-wait, what?" Noire looked sheepish as she held up Yang's bumblebee panties. Yang blushed as she took them back and put them on, "How do you do this stuff!?"

" _I'm fast, bitch_." Noire stated,

"You know what, I don't care, as long as you're enjoying living again." Yang said as she started leading her back to the dorm, "And, can you convince Ruby to be a bit less… physical with us."

" _Don't worry, I'll let Ruby-chan know._ " Noire said as they walked, ' _Doesn't mean I can't be a pervert._ '

'I'm already regretting this.' She heard Blake mutter in her mind, 'Just enjoy yourself Noire.'

' _Thanks Pussy_.' Noire told her before walking into the dorm. She was about to talk to Ruby about the new rules, only to be stopped by Weiss. From the sound of it, Weiss found out what was happening to Ruby,

"What is it Weiss?" Yang asked as Weiss approached the blonde. She was so deep in shock that she couldn't form words, well at least real words, "What is it, girl?"

"Niht. Dtrdnsea. Neacchs. Noe wot namy! Wyntet uorf!" Weiss tried to say something in English, "BURY!"

"Is Little Jimmy stuck in the well again and we need to get him out and bury him because he died 5 years ago at the age of 99?" Weiss stared at Yang in disbelief at her interpretation of her gibberish, 'Are we getting dumber by the week!?' Weiss thought before snapping out of her shock and grabbing Yang's collar,

"RUBY IS GONE!" Weiss yelled into the Brawler's ear,

"But she's ri-"

"No you dolt!" Weiss interrupted Yang by growling, "My Ruby! Your Ruby!  _Our_ Ruby!" She then leaned to the side and glared at Noire, who waved in return, "Well, except her." It took Yang a few seconds to realize the type of shit they were in right now,

"Oh you've  _got_ to be kidding me." Yang muttered as her eyes widened,

"Yang, we have to track her down! Find thermal cameras, ghost trackers, a trail of cookies, ANY THING THAT CAN TRACK FUCKING PARANORMAL RED RIDING HOOD! WE HAVE TO FIND HER BEFORE, BEFORE, BEFORE!"

" _How do you know she's a ghost?_ " Noire pointed out, " _The ghost thing's been overused already._ "

"SHUT UP, YOU PERVERTED FAUNUS!" Weiss shouted at her as she tried to burn holes in her heart with her eyes, "You did something to her and now she's fucking gone! I SWEAR TO THE SCHNEE FAMILY FORTUNE AND GOD IF YOU FUCKING GOT RID OF HER I WILL,"

"Weiss!" Yang yelled out as she turned the Heiress around to face her, "Calm the fuck down! We don't know if she's gone-gone or she's still in her mind and just really deep inside herself."

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ "

"Having a moment here Noire. Anyway, just take deep breaths. Come on, breath in from the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth." Weiss was doing what Yang had instructed her to do but it wasn't calming her down much but it was an improvement, "Atta girl. Do you feel better now?" Weiss nodded, "Good, now where's Ruby?"

"Right here." Ruby answered, causing the girls to jump a little, "I brought popcorn!"

" _No physical perversion Ruby-chan._ "

"Aw…" Ruby said sadly as she threw away the popcorn, causing a small cloud of pink smoke to float into the air before dissipating, "There goes that idea. I worked so hard to find that Pink Dust…"

"Wait, you found my secret Dust supply!?" Weiss exclaimed,

"Well, the white crowbar was a dead giveaway." Ruby said, causing Weiss to groan, "I even brought this for Blake when she comes back." Weiss' eyes widened when she saw Ruby pull out the bottle of Purple Dust,

"THAT SHIT DOESN'T WORK!" Weiss yelled out angrily as she snatched it away from Ruby and threw it out the window, "Seriously!? 3 bottles!? My God, Schnee Scientists are idiots! Why!? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO DASH MY DREAMS!? I WILL BE KNIGHT! I WILL BE! I'LL SHOW THEM! I'LL SHOW EVERYONE!" Everything went silent except for the heavy breathing coming from Weiss and cracking of the ice in the room due to Weiss exploding again. Luckily, Yang quickly used her flames to prevent anything freezing them,

" _Uh… are you okay Weiss_?" Noire asked hesitantly,

"I'm fine." Weiss answered as she calmed herself down and looked around the room,

"You wanna talk about it?" Ruby asked,

"No."

"You wanna talk about wi-"

"No!" Weiss interrupted Yang before melting the ice on her seat, "Let's just watch some more RvB." 'That will calm me down.' Weiss mentally added. After Yang defrosted the chairs, Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Terms and Provisions)**

_Fade in to Church, Tucker, Caboose and Doc looking down on Sheila on one side, and Tex and Sister on the other_

**Church** : Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favours for this one.

" _At_   _least she won't break her_." Noire muttered, " _If O'Malley returns, they need all the help they can get_."

 **Tucker** : What favours could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

 **Church** : She didn't dump me Tucker, it was mutual.

 **Tucker** : Mutual in what way, mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

"BURN!" Yang yelled out,

"They're getting better at their comments." Ruby pointed out, "The snark is powerful in this one."

 **Church** : Yeah, that way. Come on Caboose, let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

 **Tucker** : Yeah right. Hey when she kills you I'm gonna sell your armour to that pink guy on the Red team. I hear he's in the market.

"Real classy Tucker…" Weiss said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Doc** : Hey who's the yellow soldier?

 **Tucker** : That's just Sister, she's new.

"And easy to bed." Ruby said as she giggled perversely.

 **Doc** : No one told me about a new arrival. I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty.

 **Tucker** : Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F.I.N.E.

"We  _approve_!" Ruby  & Noire agreed with the Teal Swordsman.

 **Tucker:**...That spells fine.

"You don't need to explain it, dude." Yang said, "He isn't that dumb."

 **Doc** : Thanks. But I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

 **Tucker** : I'm a doctor - a doctor of love. PhD. Certified Loooveology, General Harasstitioner. Sexicologist.

" _Really? I already got my degree too_!" Noire said as she pulled out her Degree in Loooveology and Sexology,

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Weiss exclaimed, "Who the fuck makes a PhD for that stuff!? Better yet, who teaches it!?"

" _Uh… there's something called 'Fertility Specialist'_." Noire pointed out, " _Maybe you've heard of it._ "

 **Doc** : First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty. And also, PhDs? Heh, not really doctors!

 **Tucker** : Dude you're a dork.

" _Yeah, I agree with Tucker_." Noire spoke up, " _What a freaking dork._ "

 **Sister** : Hey!

 **Tucker** : What's up Sis, what'd you and Tex talk about?

 **Sister** : Oh, she was just talking about everyone here. How you're all idiots and jerks, and you guys are her idiots and jerks, and if I try to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back, and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry, and everyone would hate me... you know, girl stuff!

"Seems about right for us…" Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker** : Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff. This is Doc.

"Oh c'mon! Donut's more girly than Doc!" Yang said,

" _You know, they would get along really well if they meet_." Noire muttered to herself.

 **Sister** : Hi.

 **Doc** : Uh, hello, nice to meet you I'm the medic, eh if it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come to Base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

 **Sister** : Sure, lead the way. Seeya Tucker.

"Wait, WHAT!?" Yang & Weiss yelled out in disbelief,

"And he said Doc was a girl…" Yang added in. Ruby & Noire just stared into the screen with their jaws hanging down, completely in shock by what just happened.

 **Tucker** : ...What the fuck just happened?

"That's what we like to know!" Ruby shouted out in shock. She knew Sister was easy but she guessed she would put in a bit of effort,

"Well, at least he's technically a medic, unlike that other guy who did those 'examinations' during the first few weeks of school." Yang added, still very much pissed off after that time that faker asked for 'physicals' from all the Huntresses. When they learned the truth from Jaune (he could literally smell the perversion dripping off him), well… let's just say he still needs a new pair of nuts. And maybe a replaced pelvis. And possibly a new eye thanks to Velvet,

' _Thank you Cure Rider Phoenix for the joke with an added modification from DraxiusKnight7._ '

_Cut to Donut standing over Simmons' lifeless-looking body_

**Donut** : Sarge, I found Simmons; he's over here, sleepin' on the job.

 **Simmons** : Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged.

 **Donut** : Sorry Sarge, he's not sleeping; he's doing drugs.

" _Don't do drugs kids._ " Noire said as she winked to the side, ' _Well, that's my PSA for the year._ '

"Who is she talking to?" Yang whispered to Weiss,

"Blake maybe?" Weiss guessed.

 **Simmons** : Hh, shut up Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked. Oh they must have used some kind of tranquilizer on me and ...Grif? Hey where's Grif?

 **Donut** : Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs.

"Did he land on his head or something?" Yang asked, "Because shoot me if it ever happens to me and I start acting like that."

 **Simmons** : They must have taken him.

 **Sarge** : Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?

" _Kidnappers? Hostage takers? Rouge Soldiers? Rapist? A paranoid Batman? The list goes on_." Noire added in.

 **Simmons** : The people who ambushed us. We have to find him. Luckily I implanted a tracking chip in his armour. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock on to his signal in just a few seconds.

"Well, he is crafty." Ruby pointed out, "And so am I."

 **Sarge** : A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless. Well, Grif, we'll miss ya. You were a good soldier. Using the broadest possible definition of "good." And "soldier."

"Well, from all possible definitions I can determine that good being "not great, but adequate" and soldier being… well soldier." Weiss said. Though, Sarge was starting feel funnier to her…

 **Simmons** : I've got his signal.

 **Sarge** : He's probably a million miles away by now!

 **Simmons** : Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

" _About a good few minutes away, give or take._ " Noire muttered.

 **Sarge** : But who knows what direction!?

 **Simmons** : That direction.

"Just delaying the inevitable there Sarge." Yang spoke up, "Grif is a main character, and what probably makes 30% of Red Team's humour. The others are about 20%."

" _So… you're admitting that the Reds are funny._ " Noire said with a smirk. Yang blushed in embarrassment and quickly shook her head,

"What!? No! I'm just stating facts!"

"So you admit that it's a fact that the Reds are funny." Weiss said, "Yang, you're digging your own grave."

"No I am not!"

"Denial~" Ruby sang out,

"Oh shut up." Yang grumbled as she slumped in her chair while Weiss quietly laughed. She was not going to admit it until her whole team does. And even then, she wasn't sure she would be convinced by then. I mean c'mon, all they do is stand there and talk and occasionally do something else. What can they do to improve RvB between Season 5 & 6?

 **Sarge** : Exactly. We did our best Simmons, now let's head back to Base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?

 **Simmons** : I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.

"Well, it's better than a tranquilizer." Ruby muttered, "Crappy range though. It would be a miracle if someone made a Sniper Shotgun."

"And I wouldn't mind that." Yang added in.

 **Sarge** : Eugh, what direction did you say?

 **Simmons** : That way, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Come on, let's go.

_Cut to Sheila approaching over a hill toward three Blues_

**Church** : So Caboose is gonna be up front talking to her, and then while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

 **Tex** : Okay, I'll do it.

"Well, that was easy." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Uh- wha- that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

"Well, revenge is at stake and probably the fate of the entire world if O'Malley gains access to anything important." Weiss said, "Actually, she owes them if O'Malley is in there. They did make up the plan _._ "

 **Tex** : No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands it should be you.

 **Church** : Oh well in that case we wan-

 **Tex** : Forget it, deal's done.

 **Church** : Dammit.

" _You lost your time frame there_." Noire muttered.

 **Caboose** : Hum, how should I distract Sheila?

 **Church** : Just talk to her, keep her attention, that's it.

 **Caboose** : I don't know, uh... we kinda have a history? Ea, she may not want to talk to me.

"Well, there was drama with Lopez and being gone for a few thousand years without much of a good-bye." Ruby said.

 **Church** : So? Tex and I have a history, doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

"No, you two don't." WYRN said flatly.

 **Tex** : I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

 **Church** : Hoh, get off my back woman, can't you see I'm working here?

 **Tex** : Please, you call this working?

"Like an old married couple." Yang muttered,

" _You know, we could end up like that one day._ " Noire said as she gave her a seductive look,

'…I'm letting this one slide.' Blake told her,

"Physical perversion. Physical perversion!" Yang quickly called out,

"Hey, physical perversion means no groping or touching. That is more… suggested perversion _._ " Ruby pointed out,

"She's right you know." Weiss admitted as she giggled a little,

"DON'T SIDE WITH THEM!" Yang yelled out.

 **Caboose** : See, e- this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila. Only with more getting shot by tanks.

"Unless you happen to own a tank." Weiss said, "Which is highly unlikely." 'Unless you're a Schnee.' Weiss added in her mind. Her father said that there were very dangerous people out there… actually, now that she thought about, she had it on call. And she had to sympathize with Caboose's reasoning.

 **Church** : Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.

"Or completely 'miss' and hit you directly." Yang added.

 **Church:** Just smooth talk her.

 **Caboose** : I don't know how to do that.

" _It'll come naturally; just don't say anything bad about her. Like how she likes to kill, or acting like she's insane, or how she would target your best friend, or how she's a 10 ton tank and fires her load like it's nothing._ " Noire said. Ruby cleared her throat and said 4 simple words,

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

 **Church** : Just tell her she's pretty, or that she's got that new-tank smell or something. Compliment her treads, it doesn't matter.

 **Caboose** : I don't know...

"I swear to God, if he says the wrong thing I'll…" Yang growled as she cracked her knuckles,

"You do know that causes arthritis right?" Ruby told her sister,

"Actually, it doesn't." Weiss pointed out, "People just happen to find it annoying."

"Oh, thank you Weiss." Ruby said as she cracked her knuckles, "The More You Know~"

 **Church** : It's easy. Look here, just practice on Tex, she's -womanish.

 **Tex** : Pardon me?

 **Church** : Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you wanna try this on your own?

_As if on cue, a shell from Sheila explodes behind Tex_

"Okay, why does that keep happening every time they need to prove a point?" Ruby asked,

" _The universe works in strange ways, my friend._ " Noire answered.

 **Tex** : I see your point.

 **Church** : Go ahead.

_Tucker approaches behind Caboose and Church_

"And may the fail being." Yang said slowly.

 **Caboose** : Hello Tex.

 **Tucker** : Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off.

"I still don't believe it either." Ruby muttered to herself, with Noire just choosing to sigh.

 **Church** : Shut up Tucker, don't interrupt.

 **Tucker** : Interrupt what?

 **Caboose** : Tex, I think you are pretty,

" _Oh, ain't he a sweetheart._ " Noire said as her eyes welled up a little, " _Even though he's probably never seen her face._ "

"But he's hitting on Tex, and let's hope she doesn't hit back." Weiss pointed out.

 **Caboose:** And you haven't hurt my body in a long time?

"See? He's as much in danger hitting on Tex than being in an all-out firefight."

 **Caboose:** So I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands, and you would go with me? And when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend.

" _See? He's still a sweetheart, even if he is dumber than rocks, he's the sweetest guy you'd probably meet._ " Noire said as she wiped away a few tears,

"You do realize this is just to find out where O'Malley is, right?" Yang spoke up,

" _Hey, in a canyon full of assholes you'd grab onto anything you can get._ " ' _Thank you Autistic-Grizzly for another joke._ '

 **Tex** : I think that would be, nice, Caboose. We should, definitely, do that.

 **Tucker** : What the hell? Tex have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody get with me, the love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world.

 **Tex** : ...

"Tex, is not amused." Yang announced in a commentator's voice.

 **Church** : Hey, don't look at me, he's not part of the plan.

_Tex punches Tucker out_

**Tucker** : Ow! What is going on around here!?

 **Caboose** : I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

"Hey, when Caboose is sticking to his own material, you know you suck." Yang said as they prepared the next episode. She saw Weiss struggling with something. Worried, she walked up to the Heiress and ask if she was alright,

"I-I am b-b-but…" Weiss didn't want to but, she couldn't hold it any longer, "Pfft… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Weiss  _laughed_ as she fell off her chair, "Oh my God, that was hilarious! Good going, Tex!"

' _He has no sense for dramatics or flare, doesn't he?_ ' Noire thought as she saw a laughing Mage and a confused Brawler, ' _Oh well, his choice._ '

"Why is Weiss laughing Noire-chan?" Ruby asked. She didn't get an answer apart from Noire telling her to watch what was happening,

"Weiss, are you insane!?" Yang exclaimed as Weiss gathered herself, but giggling occasionally, "Tex has punched someone a few times already and NOW you laugh? What the hell!?"

"You know what I've learnt Yang?" Weiss asked as she looked around the dorm, "We, are fucked. We are going to probably kill each other before summer ends and leave no bodies behind. And for the past month, I've came to the conclusion if we're going to survive, we have to give up what we have locked up, get the FUCK used to what's going to happen and give into the insanity, situations & antics that follow."

"What are you saying?" Yang asked,

"It means I don't give a flying  _fuck_  anymore!" Weiss shouted out at Yang, "I don't care what you think or anyone else. My name is Weiss Schnee, the Dust Mage, the Ice Princess, the Gamer Queen that pwned so many fucking n00bs and veterans alike in one sitting and slain 200 level monsters while I was Level 10 and using starting equipment, the fucking heiress to the Schnee Duct Production Company, and most of all the W in the greatest team in Beacon and my greatest friends, RWBY! I have with dealt with a girl with MPD and sugar addiction who probably has Type 2 diabetes right now, a chick with a fetish for tanks and action, two chicks with fetishes for everything, tsuder-no, not a tsudere, a total fucking abusive and insensitive piece of shit, ninjas, a demon spawn, a really sensitive girl who can't stop herself from getting comas every week, being a cat girl for a day because of super glue and bad positioning, getting trapped in a closet with three other girls, getting my first kiss stolen by another girl, destroying a Teacher's Lounge because of a stupid argument, pooping my goddamn guts out from eating cereal 2 fucking years past their expiration date, becoming a fucking ghost for God's sake and possessing a body and reading freaking minds! And it's only been a fucking month and all because of shitty timing! So you know what? I don't care anymore!" Weiss then looked up angrily and pointed up at the ceiling, "COME ON WORLD! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! ALL I WANT TO DO END THE SUMMER AS HAPPY AS I CAN BE! THROW EVERYTHING YOU CAN FUCKING THROW AT ME, BECAUSE FUCK YOU, I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I LOVE AND LOVE WHAT I DO, AND I LOVE WATCHING RED VS BLUE!"

There was a silence after that as Weiss, finally giving in, had just revealed that she loved Red vs Blue. The girls stared at her as she calmed down. Ruby found this unexpected. Weiss was the last person she would expect to like a show like RvB. Blake was also in shock as well, but more from Weiss' speech than the actual message. Noire smirked a little, she always had a feeling. Yang was in the most shock. She was joking around whenever she would bring it up. But this, the whole thing about Weiss giving in and accepting the facts, was utterly mind-breaking. She was supposed to be the pure Heiress of Beacon. But as the days passed by them, they learned that wasn't the case. And when it hit summer, it was confirmed even more. And from the looks of it, she didn't care anymore about her image. She was just Weiss, and she  _loves_ Red vs Blue. Sure, she had her complaints but hey, it was a part of her to criticize stuff. From major stupidity to the small things. She pushed the limit, and she was never going back.

"Hey, that rhymed. Maybe I should make that into a song for my next concert…" Said official lover of RvB muttered to herself, "Oh, sorry. Just talking to myself. So… next episode?"

' _She is one hell of a drama queen._ ' Noire thought before taking her seat, " _Alright. It's not like we have anything better to do, Fan Girl_."

"Sure, why not." Ruby said as she sat on her chair,

"Well, You Only Live Once, right." Yang said as she chuckled a little before sitting down, "Ruby?"

"Okay!" Ruby responded as she grabbed the remote, "With new vigor and a fan in our midst, w-"

"HURRY UP AND START THE NEXT EPISODE ALREADY!" Weiss yelled out,

"Alright! Alright! You got it boss." Ruby quickly said as she fumbled around with the remote and pressed play.

**(Missed Direction)**

_Fade in to Tucker wandering around outside the Blue Base_

**Tucker** : Junior... Junior! Hey Junior, where'd you go?

"Of all names it had to be Junior…" Yang muttered as she rubbed the bridge of her nose, "Him and his stupid Bat-Zooka."

" _JUNIOR IS AN AWESOME NAME!_ " Noire shouted at Yang, " _It perfectly fits for the little guy! Also, bonus points for having Noire in it._ "

"Yeah, just take out the 'J' & 'U', switch 'I' & 'O' around and add an 'E'." Weiss said.

 **Junior** : Hooonk.

 **Tucker** : There you are.

_Junior is inside the base._

**Junior** : Hnnnk!

 **Tucker** : You little rascal.

"Flowers (bless his soul) is rubbing off of him." Ruby muttered,

"Hey, it's his kid, what are you going to do about it?" Weiss said.

 **Junior** : Hnk!

 **Doc** : ( _from around the corner_ ) Okay Sister, any other conditions I should know about?

 **Sister** : Uhm, let's see, you know about all the ways I'm contagious, so I don't know if there's anything...

"I-I don't know how to respond to that." Yang admitted. Noire gave her a look that said she probably knew how contagious a girl could get, "…I'M NOT SISTER!"

" _Whatever you say, Sister._ " Noire said as she rolled her eyes and turned back to the TV,

"SHUT UP!"

_Tucker walks toward the voices and sees Sister's armor lying on the ground without her in it_

Ruby gleefully rubs her hands together and says, "I've got a good feeling about this."

 **Tucker** : Hey, what's going on here?

 **Sister** : Oh! I'm colorblind.

 **Doc** : Really? That's weird. But I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.

" _OH_  HELL  _YES_!" Noire  & Ruby shouted in excitement,

"What are you two getting all excited about? There's nothing on screen apart from Sister's armour." Weiss said before chuckling a little, seeing that Doc is getting more action than Tucker, the self-proclaimed 'Lady-Killer',

" _Shut up and don't ruin this for us_!" Noire said back as the two perverts leaned in, towards the TV.

 **Sister** : Sure. Like this?

 **Doc** : Hwhoa, yeah! You're really limber. And in really great shape.

The two leaned in closer to the TV. They were starting to get pretty excited.

 **Sister** : Hyeah I am.

 **Doc** : I'm not playing against you in Twister.

"Don't remind me." Weiss muttered. Who knew Nora & Ren were that freaking flexible?

 **Sister** : Check this out.

 **Doc** : Wowzers. I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.

Ruby & Noire leaned even closer to the TV. It sounded like things were getting intense.

 **Sister** : That's cool. Sorry my body's a little hot.

 **Tucker** : Hey do you guys need any help in there?

 **Sister** : Huh? Is someone spying on us? Yessss. Hot.

"Oh… Exhibitionalist. Nice." Ruby said as she leaned even closer to the TV (AN: Don't judge me).

 **Doc** : No, we're good. Hey, Sister? Do you want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...

 **Sister** : Eh. I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.

" _That depends on how effective you can use those as weapons, I've tried before but never really mastered it_." Noire muttered as she leaned even closer to the TV. It was starting to obscure Weiss' and Yang's view of the TV.

 **Tucker** : I could just walk around this corner if you need me to. It wouldn't be a problem.

 **Doc** : We got it! Hey sorry I got you all wet before. I don't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.

 **Sister** : That's okay, I think it'll actually help. Squeezing these puppies in to the armor can be a little difficult.

"Reminds me of a similar problem 'someone' else had." Ruby muttered while not-so-subtly glancing at Yang before she continued getting closer to the TV screen. Yang just rubbed the back of her neck, remembering when she brought home a bucket of lard home one day. She loved that stuff.

 **Tucker** : Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.

 **Doc** : No thanks Tucker, maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'd probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine- hey, are you double-jointed?

 **Sister** : Hyeah.

By this point, both Ruby and Noire were so close to the TV their faces were pressed up against the screen and rubbing drool all over it, all while on all fours. Weiss was about to complain when she noticed Ruby's butt was sticking up in the air right in front of her, giving the Heiress a nice view what was under her skirt. This caused her cheeks burned a deep red and she quickly turned away, glad that she was no longer under the effects of Pink Dust. Otherwise, things could've gotten much worse. Noire noticed Weiss' reaction at the corner of her eye,

" _What's the matter? Enjoying the view Weiss-chan?"_ Noire asked as she smirked,

"SH-SHUT UP!" Weiss said as her whole face became red, ' _Thank you artark for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

 **Tucker** : Great.

 **Junior** : Hnnk!

 **Tucker** : Don't rub it in.

 **Junior** : Blarg?

_Cut to Sarge, Simmons and Donut roaming the vast underground cave_

"Aww, come on! I wanted to see her! I want to know if her boobs are as big as Yang's!" Ruby whined, "They could've at least shown some cleavage!"

"Alright, why are you so obsessed with Yang's breasts?" Weiss asked, "I mean she's your own sister for crying out loud! Seriously, what is wrong with you!?"

"I can't help it." Ruby answered with a shrug, "I'm a pervert, and it's not my fault she reached puberty at age 10 and is the sexiest person in the building right now." Yang blushed and covered her chest while she added to the list of things to do before summer ends was get revenge and make the black succubus pay for comparing her to Sister, ' _And also aceman88 for the joke, thank you._ '

 **Simmons** : Come on, Grif should be right over here.

 **Donut** : Don't listen to him Sarge, he's just tryin' to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month when he asked for more money? It was for drugs!

 **Sarge** : That was part of a budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.

"C'mon, even Sarge knows Donut. Let it go!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Donut** : Enabler!

"No idea what that is." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : I see something.

 **Sarge** : Ah! There's my shotgun! Mission accomplished, excellent work men!

_Sarge picks up his shotgun._

**Sarge** : Let's hang up a banner.

"Uh… aren't you forgetting something?" Ruby asked rhetorically.

 **Donut** : There's Grif.

 **Sarge** : Oh right, and Grif. Excellent- somethinerother, you... peopl- why do I even bother.

"I don't know, but it's good to know you at least show acknowledgement to a degree." Weiss said,

"I'm going to have to get used to this." Yang muttered to herself, not exactly use to Weiss making nicer comments about Red vs Blue.

 **Grif** : ( _moans_ ) What happened? What'd you do to me?

 **Simmons** : We got knocked the fuck out, and the people who did it must have taken you.

 **Grif** : Oh, right. Uh, they kept askin' me questions. They wanted information.

" _Could it be Rouge Soldiers, or thieves wanting access to the Red's weapons_?" Noire asked herself, literally,

'I don't know, but there has to be more to it.' Blake responded.

 **Sarge** : Information- what did they-

 **Simmons** : Whoa whoa whoa they wanted information and they took you? Why wouldn't they take me?

"I-Is he getting jealous for not getting kidnapped!?" Yang asked in disbelief, "Wow, he's really sensitive about his intelligence."

"Even when he isn't." Ruby added in.

 **Sarge** : What did they look like?

 **Simmons** : Sarge, please! I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?

 **Grif** : What're you, jealous? Geez!

"They freaking don't know you Simmons! Grif happened to be unlucky enough to be chosen." Weiss said, "Wait, you know what, if they chose Simmons, he would probably spill every secret the Reds have, and Sarge would get him shot because of that, meaning the kidnappers just saved his cyborg ass from a shotgun. BE GRATEFUL, ASSHOLE!"

 **Simmons** : No, I just think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.

 **Grif** : Yeah, you're jealous.

 **Sarge** : Besides, takin' all the fun outta interrogating.

"Well, it's true." Yang muttered.

_Cut to Sheila, with Church and Caboose looking on from behind a grassy knoll_

**Caboose** : I don't know what to say.

 **Church** : Don't be nervous, just go out there, hold her attention, and don't say anything stupid. No wait- be natural. Say stupid stuff. Go!

_Caboose walks up to Sheila and Church stays put_

"How long do you think he'll last?" Weiss asked,

"From how Sheila's acting right now? 5 minutes if he doesn't screw up." Ruby answered.

 **Caboose** : Hello, Sheila. How are you doing?

 **Sheila** : Oh, hello Caboose. Actually, I'm not functioning at my optimal capacity. My internal diagnostics indicate I am having mechanical issues. How are you?

"WHAT!?" Yang yelled out, "Please don't say…"

" _That Sheila's dying?_ " Noire finished, " _Well, maybe it could be why Sheila's firing missiles randomly. There's hope in everything, Sister_."

"Thank you. And I'M NOT SISTER!"

"You keep telling yourself that." Weiss said as she giggled.

 **Caboose** : ...Um...

 **Church** : ( _whispering loudly_ ) Caboose! Say good.

"Looks likes Church is Caboose's wingman." Yang said, "Let's see how long he lasts."

 **Caboose** : What? Oh, good! Ubub- pretty good. Really good. I am great. I am absolutely perfect.

"You're over selling it, Caboose." Ruby said.

 **Church** : That's too good.

 **Caboose** : Now I am depressed. I am- doing- bad. I... I don't know if I can go on.

"You're still over selling it." Ruby said.

 **Sheila** : You seem, distracted Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Uh, I am not distracted, I'm not distracted, I am distracting, see, that's different 'cause I'm doing it to you!

 **Sheila** : What?

 **Church** : What?

"What!?" WYRN exclaimed,

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ "

"I don't even think that counts!" Yang shouted at Noire.

 **Caboose** : I mean I'm very distractible! Aheah, with a high degree of distract-ivity...ness. ( _clears his throat_ )

 **Church** : Change the subject!

 **Caboose** : Okay! Sheila, have you seen Tex?

"WRONG SUBJECT!" Weiss yelled out, "Talk about crayon bullets or something!"

 **Church** : ( _loud_ ) What? I mean- ( _quieter_ ) What?

 **Sheila** : What?

 **Caboose** : Sheila do you know what my favourite thing to do is? Not look behind myself. You should try not doing that.

 **Sheila** : ...

"Sheila, is not amused." Weiss said in a commentator's voice.

 **Caboose** : Do you like to collect stamps?

"Oh, so they're going to die." Yang muttered,

"Hey, don't be pessimistic." Weiss said with a smile, "Sheila won't shoot him, I think she's the only one who cares about Caboose and actually shows it."

"She might do some warning shots though." Ruby muttered as she leaned back.

 **Church** : Hey Caboose? I think it's wrong for us both to die because you're an idiot, so I'm gonna take off now, okay I'll see ya bye.

" _Coward_." Noire muttered.

 **Caboose** : Please don't go.

 **Sheila** : I am not leaving.

 **Caboose** : Oh good. Good... Stay.

 **Sheila** : You are acting strangely. And I would like to find out why.

"You know, that's exactly Church's mind set right now." Weiss said, "That's the whole reason why they're rebooting Sheila right now."

 **Caboose** : Oh. Okay. Um-

 **Sheila** : Caboose, the Omega A.I. has been missing, and everyone has been attempting to find him. If you continue to act erratically, they may mistakenly think he is inside of you, and take drastic measures against you.

"Yeah… we don't want that to happen, do we?" Ruby said, feeling a bit awkward that the Blues were taking drastic measures because she was acting erratically, and think the Omega A.I is inside her.

 **Caboose** : Oh. I wouldn't want them to do that.

 **Sheila** : Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.

"Wait, WHAT!?" WYRN yelled out,

"Don't turn off Sheila! Don't turn off Sheila! SHE WON'T KILL YOU ALL BUT I WILL IF YOU DO!" Weiss just stared at Yang with a concerned look on her face,

"You do know this is just a show, right?" She asked, "They don't exactly exist."

"Wh-Say that to yourself! You acted like it was real for, what? A month!? Seriously, you're a fucking hypocrite!"

"Hey, I may like RvB and I'm an heiress but can't I be insane once in a while." Yang had to admit she had a point.

 **Caboose** : You do? Where?

 **Sheila** : He is inside Bluuuuuuoooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrr...

 **Tex** : Got it!

"Son of a-"

" _Weiss is right, it's just a show._ " Noire interrupted Yang. Yang just grumbled incoherently before turning back to the TV.

 **Caboose** : Who is Blurrr? ...Blerrrr.

"Oh, it's done now. Okay." Yang said as she stretched a little, "Well… it's kinda weird having nice comments now. Especially from Weiss of all people."

"Yeah, kinda." Ruby admitted as she scratched her hair, "Anyway, so… next episode?"

"NEXT EPISODE!" the other girls called out as Noire grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Where Credit Is Due)**

_Fade in to the Blues_

**Church** : You want us to turn her back on again. After we just went through all that trouble to shut her down.

 **Caboose** : But she said she knows where O'Malley is.

"She's the only lead they have right now. It's better to take risks now than later." Weiss said, remembering the big risk of facing Cinder alone while Ruby & Yang got Blake to safety, "Or else regret it later when everyone dies."

 **Church** : Maybe she was lying. How could she possibly know that? What do you think Tex, can we turn her back on again? Disable her guns or somethin'?

 **Tex** : Not a chance, she's a wreck back here. I'm not even sure how she was operational anyway.

"WHY!?" Yang cried as she hugged Ruby, who would've enjoyed it if Yang was crushing her ribs into dust,

" _It's been a thousand years Yang. She's pretty old. It's a miracle that Shelia was still functioning in the first place._ " Noire explained to calm down Yang, but mostly to loosen the grip on Ruby as she was starting to turn a lightish-red.

 **Caboose** : Oh, I know, uh, we could put her inside my head! Like O'Malley. I've got lots of extra room in there.

"Yeah, I bet." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah, I bet,

"Why, just why?" Weiss muttered angrily. She liked the show, but she really wanted to stop being compared to Church.

 **Church:** And, no. She's not that kind of A.I.

" _I guess she would take too much space and probably overload the helmet_." Noire theorized.

 **Tex** : She could only be moved over, if we had a similar class of vehicle.

 **Church** : Yeah, if only we had some other kind of big vehicle that we could move her in to. We can't use the warthog 'cause that doesn't have anything... Wait a minute. Tex... the ship? Could we move her in to one of those on-board computers?

"Yes you can! Tell me, tell me now!" Yang demanded as she let go of Ruby, who was a nice shade of blue at that point,

"Uh… shouldn't we help her?" Weiss asked as Ruby tried to get up and utterly failing to do so,

" _Don't worry, she's fine. Right Ruby-chan?_ " Noire said as the two looked at the air-deprived 15 year old,

"Mummy?" The red cloaked girl wheezed out as she stared into space, "Why are you here? I thought you and daddy were going out."

" _See? She's fine_.  _She just needs a glass of water._ "

"Someone… help me… please?"

'And a restraining order.' Weiss mentally added to Noire's suggestion before using some Wind Dust to help her breathing and gave her a water bottle, which she drank in on big gulp. Once she regained her mind, they went back to watching.

 **Tex** : If we set up a hardline, yeah, I bet we could do it.

"HOORAY!" Yang cheered while happily jumping up & down with her ever so large chest jiggling a bit, causing Noire to whistle out a wolf call,

'Noire…' Blake growled out in her head,

' _What? I'm not doing anything perverted to her like groping. I'm just admiring my, well **our** , teammate's physique_. _Anyway it's more auditory perversion more than anything._ ' Noire told the true cat girl. Blake growled, but let it go, ' _Thank you… random Guest for the save_.'

_Tucker comes running out of the base_

**Tucker** : Church, wait!

 **Church** : Huh?

"What is it? Is something wrong with Junior?" Weiss asked, genuinely worried about Tucker's child.

 **Tucker** : Church hold on a second I've got something to tell you!

 **Church** : Tucker what, what is it?

 **Tucker** : I just wanted to say, I got a hardline Tex can use.

"Oh God." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker** (Noire & Ruby): Bow chicka bow wow.

The two non-perverts just sighed after that,

 **Tex** : How did you even hear that?

 **Tucker** : Phh I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

" _My hero_." Noire said with wide, sparkling eyes,

"I really hope that next season is more serious, and it has a break from Donut & Tucker." Weiss muttered,

"Huh? But I thought you liked Donut." Ruby asked,

"Oh, I do, and maybe Tucker sooner or later, but with Donut not shutting up about drugs was both extremely annoying and that makes me think that it's difficult to have serious scenes with him present. I don't know, maybe he'll change, but I'm hoping Donut would at least show up as a cameo or in the bloopers and next time we see Tucker, he'll be a very competent soldier. Just a bit of training and breaking that 'lover not a fight' mind set and he'll dominate the battlefield."

' _Thank you rt fan. By the way, if there are transcriptions on the bloopers, he'll put that into consideration._ '

_Cut to the Reds in the cave, with Grif shaking off the effects of having been forcibly unconscious_

**Sarge** : Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?

 **Donut** : He's been chasing the dragon.

"Okay, what the fuck is he talking about?" Yang asked. She, of course, didn't get an answer.

 **Simmons** : Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.

 **Donut** : That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!

" _I did that a long time ago…_ " Noire muttered. This caused the others (yes, even Ruby) to move away from Blake's "twin", ' _A different kind of devil, by the way_.'

 **Simmons** : Shut up!

 **Donut** : He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the Technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.

 **Simmons** : Will you stop, Donut? All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo, is making me actually want to try drugs.

"Same here." Weiss said, 'I better get the Schnee Scientist to work on that memory erasing drug.'

 **Donut** : Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

"Yeah, yeah, go jump down a ditch." Ruby said, "C'mon, hurry up and get to something more interesting!"

 **Simmons** : Yeah, that sounds like fun.

 **Sarge** : Who knocked you out, Grif? Was it those dirty Blues?

 **Grif** : No, some kind of bat-person.

"Batman?" (Weiss)

"Man-Bat?" (Yang)

" _A man who looks like a bat_?" (Noire)

"A bat that looks like a man?" (Ruby)

"Everything in between?" (WYRN)

'Whatever they're talking about, I don't want to know.' Blake muttered to herself.

 **Sarge** : Bat-person!?

 **Simmons** : Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talkin' about.

 **Sarge** : Grif doesn't know what he's talkin' about, eh? Stop the fuckin' presses.

"First time I've heard Sarge swear in a while." Ruby stated, "Or anytime for that matter."

 **Simmons** : No. I mean specifically right now. Whatever chemical they used to knock us out may be affecting his perception or his memory.

 **Donut** : And it could cause undue stress to his family, and seriously impair his ability to operate a me-

 **Simmons** (& WYRN): SHUT UP DONUT!

"TRANQUILIZERS! DOES HE UNDERSTAND THAT CONCEPT OF TRANQUILIZERS!?" Yang loudly added in.

 **Grif** : I wasn't hallucinating. There was some kinda crazy bat thing, and another guy, and they were talkin' about a kid. And a sword. Some kinda deal they made.

" _What is this, the Sword in the Stone scenario or something_?" Noire muttered.

 **Donut** : Hokay wait, is this a joke? This is a prank on me, right? You guys found my Harry Potter fan fiction.

"God, I hate fan fiction." Weiss muttered, only to be met with a bitch slap, "OW!"

" _Don't you talk shit about fan fiction!_ " Noire growled at the Heiress, " _Fan fiction is full of well crafted stories, deep characters, plot lines that are better than the original and a great way of expressing one's imagination through the use of other characters! And it isn't piracy! Piracy should be classified as using a product for money without the consent of the creator! Fan fiction is none of that! People take time out of their day to make something original! They're not copying, they're making their own stories, just borrowing characters and elements from other types of media, and everything else is theirs! Also, FAN FICTION IS FOR FREE! NO ONE IS MAKING ANY MONEY OUT OF IT, THROUGH BOTH TRANSFER OF CASH OR VIRUSES!_ " She then sat back down on her seat, " _And there's lots and lots of porn, from both sides of the scale._ "

'I better watch my mouth around Noire.' Yang thought as Weiss pulled herself back on the chair.

 **Grif** : This has nothing to do with you, Donut.

 **Donut** : Hokay, right, sure. Well if the bat person turns out to be a sailor, and the guy turns out to be a bartender, and the sword turns out- well, let's just say this all sounds a little too familiar.

"Crappy fan fic, much?" Ruby said.

 **Grif** : I'm telling the truth! This really happened.

 **Sarge** : Sure, we believe you buddy! Note to Simmons, Grif has gone mad. Need to kill him ASAP.

"Very subtle there, Sarge." Weiss said with a small chuckle, "You gotta work on that."

 **Grif** : I'm not crazy!

 **Sarge** : Second note to Simmons, Grif has developed super hearing. Possibly acquired from the bat people! Post-note: original plan still applies.

" _Well, I know people have developed a sonar sense after going blind…_ " Noire muttered. Okay, Blake met them but it still counted, right?

 **Grif** : Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb, the bomb!

"The bo-Oh!" Yang said, "Andy! I forgot about him. I wondered what happened to him after the whole thing."

"And now he's working for kidnappers. Great." Weiss muttered as she rolled her eyes, "And they also have a freaking bomb so that's a bonus to them."

 **Simmons** : Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."

 **Grif** : The bomb was there! That's how I could understand what was being said. They needed him to translate.

 **Sarge** : The bomb? You mean that loud-mouth guy?

"Yeah… surprisingly, he's the only loud mouth in the canyon." Ruby stated.

 **Grif** : Yeah, the enormous ball that's always ready to explode.

 **Donut** : Hokay seriously, there's coincidence, and then there's outright plagiarism. I'm gonna have to sue somebody.

" _One, you can't sue someone for plagiarism for a fan fic_." Noire said as she rubbed the bridge of her nose, " _And two, shut up Donut before I castrate you, and that's coming from me_."

_Cut back to Church and Tex standing over Sheila and the ship, with a big wire going between them_

**Tex** : She's all set. Transfer should take a while.

"Oh thank God, she's safe." Yang said, now relieved that Sheila would survive. Even better,  _she can fucking fly now,_

"Yang, I know what you're thinking but Sheila is specifically designed to train uncertified tank drivers. What does she know about space ships?" Weiss asked,

"Who the fuck cares! Maybe in the database or some manual, she'll learn. And when she learns, Hell will be unleashed." Yang said with an evil smile,

"It doesn't have guns." Ruby pointed out,

"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"

 **Church** : Um, are we sure we wanna put her in this ship?

 **Tex** : Mm, it's still flyable, but I'm gonna remove the ignition coil just to be sure. If O'Malley is in her somewhere, they aren't goin' anywhere without it.

 **Church** : You want me to hold it?

 **Tex** : Are you kidding?

"He'd  _probably break it, or reinstall it and fly out of Blood Gulch_." Noire guessed, " _The last one is more likely_."

 **Church** : Well, thought it was worth a try.

 **Tex** : Hey Caboose? How's it goin' in there?

_Caboose is revealed inside the ship_

**Caboose** : Looks good. Although I have to tell you the ship looks a lot bigger on the inside than the outside.

"You can say that again…" Ruby whispered to herself as she stared at the ridiculously large interior. She kept an eye on Yang just in case she started having mini-orgasms.

 **Tex** : How's the readout?

 **Caboose** : Well, all the red lights are red, and all the blue lights are blue.

 **Tex** : What about the green lights?

 **Caboose** : Those are black.

"And that's bad." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex** : When the green lights turn green, and the red lights turn black, I want you to get a hold of me right away.

 **Caboose** : Uh okay. Uh, what about the blue lights?

 **Tex** : The blue lights don't matter.

"Artistic effect, I guess." Yang guessed, "But everything has a reason to exist."

 **Caboose** : Then why do they-

 **Tex** : Okay, okay thanks Caboose, good job!

 **Caboose** : Oh, okay.

_Cut to Grif lying face-down next to Andy_

"Flashback time!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Andy** : Hey Grif, just tell 'em where the kid with the sword is, and you can go.

"Oh yeah, he's just a few thousand years in the past and ruling a kingdom." Weiss said, "Hey. Why don't you set off Andy and go back in time like that?"

 **Grif** : Wha? A-Andy is that you? Why are you helping monster people?

 **Andy** : Hey, gotta make a livin'.

"All you can buy is explosives, and more explosives." Ruby muttered.

 **Green Alien** : Hnk. Hnk? Wnkwnk. Wrear.

 **Andy** : He says someone's comin'. Eh we gotta go!

_The Green Alien and another alien run off, presumably carrying Andy_

**Andy** : Seeya Grif! By the way, you look like shit! Zing!

" _Yeah, well good luck getting paid, you traitorous piece of shit_." Noire growled out, with a bit of Blake seeping out.

 **Grif** : Uoh, okay, bye. I'm gonna, to go to sleeping again...

_Fade to present time_

**Grif** : And he was translating between the two of them, too. So if we find Andy, he can tell us exactly what's going on.

 **Sarge** : Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.

"Wait. WHAT!?" the WYRNs yelled out.

 **Simmons** : Thank you Sir.

"SHUT UP, KISS ASS!" Yang yelled out, "Give credit where credit's due, and it's Grif's credit he's sticking up his ass!"

"A little bit gross but YEAH!" Weiss agreed with the blonde.

 **Grif** : Simmons!? I just told you everything!

 **Sarge** : But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.

"You can't be stealthy when YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS!" Ruby shouted.

 **Grif** : Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!

 **Sarge** : Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!

 **Grif** : He had nothing to do with that!

" _Chance cannot be controlled unless you have certain number of set pieces, and Simmons doesn't have any_!" Noire yelled out as well.

 **Sarge** : But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.

 **Grif** : By trying to bury you alive!

"You know what, fuck this!" Yang said as she got out of her chair, "I'm gonna go training!" She yelled out as she left the room.

(YANG RAGE QUITS!)

 **Sarge** : A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection, proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.

"I'm quitting too!" Ruby declared as she stood, "Fuck Sarge's logic, I'm gonna go build a house!"

"What?" Weiss had to ask,

"Birdhouse! I build birdhouses when I'm angry  ** _okay_**! And also sing, but I don't feel like it right now so GET OFF MY BACK WOMAN!" Ruby answered as she stomped out of the room.

(RUBY RAGE QUITS!)

 **Simmons** : Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.

 **Sarge** : Oh, don't spoil it.

" _I'm gonna go too_." Noire said as she stood up, "I  _need to do something before the season ends_." She then left the room, leaving Weiss alone to her own devices.

(NOIRE RAGE QUITS)

"OH SHUT UP!" Was heard from behind the door outside the dorm. Weiss waited a few seconds before taking out Season 5 and putting in Season 1. She wanted to re-watch it without negativity, no mean comments and enjoy herself. She may be trapped in Beacon for the summer, but she may as well enjoy it as much as she can.

(Blake's/Noire's mindscape)

"What… just happened?" Blake's partner asked as she saw Blake's confused look,

"I don't know…" Blake answered simply, "But… I think the others just rage quitted Red vs Blue."

"Huh. That's a first." Her partner said as she looked around, "So… what do we do now?"

"Well, we can find a way out of here and get my body back. C'mon Ruby, we have a lot work to do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	42. My Life Is A Progress Bar (Biting The Hand, Tucker Knows Best, Loading…)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate everything. All RvB scenes and dialogue are from the wiki itself.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

_*Sigh* 'It's almost over Pussy before my plan is complete. Don't worry though, I have a lot of things planned in the future._ '

'Hmph. Bring it on Noire. You have your army, I have mine and she's Red-y. God, I'm turning into Yang…'

" _3 hours. It took 3 hours_." Noire muttered while she face palmed as everyone arrived back for the next set of episodes, three hours later. Weiss had just gotten through Season 3 before Noire came in, and switched DVDs to Season 5 and getting back to where they were. Now, the girls were now ready to finish off the season, " _It took him 3 fucking hours to start this thing_."

"Hey, we needed a lot of cooling off after that." Yang said as she sat down, thinking Noire was talking about her, "But fuck, that was a whole load of bullshit from Sarge."

"You know, we've never swore this much during the year, have we? Hell, I think this is the first time we've swore all year." Ruby pointed out, "I mean; I know we should be polite and keep our thoughts to ourselves but we're all friends here, right? We can swear when we're alone."

"Ruby is right." Weiss spoke up before she took a sip of soda, "Maybe it's because no one's here we can be a bit more free with our language and speak our minds." She then leaned back, "I mean, like we'll get a detention for every swear we say."

" _Don't jinx it, Weiss-chan_." Noire said as she picked the remote, " _Anyway, want to get straight into it? I think we've been up…_ " Noire checked Blake's Scroll and saw the time, " _Holy shit, it's almost 6am_."

"WHAT!?" The others yelled out, "Holy crap, how long have we've up for?" Yang asked before yawning a little, realizing how tired she was, "Better yet, where did the day go?"

"Well, with all the running away, fighting and watching the episodes, time goes by pretty fast." Weiss answered before rubbing her scarred eye, "Anyway, let's get this over with and get some sleep!"

" _Okay, let the games begin_." Noire said as she pressed play.

**(Biting The Hand)**

_Fade in to Church_

**Church** : You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.

"Well Church, you're not the best at bossing people around." Weiss said,

"Especially when you hate them…" Ruby added in.

 **Tex** : I had to leave, I found Wyoming.

 **Church** : Yeah, Tucker told me, what happened?

"I gotta admit, I'm curious what happened as well." Yang admitted, "What happened to Wyoming after Out of Mind?"

 **Tex** : I thought I tracked him back to O'Malley. But, by the time York and I got there-

 **Church** : York- your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?

"Caro-lina?" Ruby said the name slowly, "Who's that?"

(JNPR & RVIW!)

Pyrrha suddenly shuddered for some reason as a beat of cold sweat went down her brow, "Pyrrha, you alright?" Jaune asked after failing to get Pyrrha a bracelet from a claw machine. He was down to his last 10 Lien. The teams had went to an arcade for a break. Penny was kicking Sun's ass in Time Crisis, Hiro & Velvet were trying to beat each other at DDR in Space Invaders by S3RL (AN: Makes really great music by the way. He's on Youtube. Warning: Rave Music) and Ren was watching Nora prepare herself for a Test Your Strength Machine,

"I-I'm not sure…" Pyrrha muttered while Nora cheered after winning herself a giant plushie sloth. For some reason, it even made noises, "Oh you've gotta be kidding me." Pyrrha said in disbelief as she hears the noise. It sounded just like something a sloth would make,

"Maybe we should leave if you're not feeling well." Jaune suggested. It warmed Pyrrha's heart knowing that Jaune was worrying about her, even when she hear a real life gunshot near them,

"I'm fine. Really." Pyrrha said as she cheered up a little before throwing Jaune into a photo booth before getting in with him. She may as well make some memories while embarrassing Jaune.

(Back to WYRN)

' _When are they gonna make out_?' Noire thought.

 **Tex** : She was already dead.

"Damn. Whoever this Carolina woman was must've been close to York." Ruby said, "Tragic romance sucks…"

 **Caboose** : And what about Bermuda?

 **Church** : That's not a State, dumbass.

 **Caboose** : Portland?

 **Church** (& Weiss): Shut up!

Weiss growled as she crossed her arms, 'Every fucking time…'

 **Tex** : But he still had Delta.

 **Church** : Delta; the A.I.? How? I thought they took them- wait a minute wait a minute, how was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

"You know, that never really cross my mind." Yang muttered, "How did York survive all those years?"

 **Tex** : I thought it was because of his armor. You know all the Freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.

"I might like this show, but even I still think that's stupid." Weiss admitted. She proceeded to explain further when she saw the confused looks, "Seriously, it's supposed to only heal injures, not something that grants immortality."

" _It doesn't matter; it still didn't help York in the end anyway._ " Noire said as everyone bowed their heads in mourning for York, " _Alright enough mourning, back to the show._ "

 **Caboose** : And, horrible meanness.

"That's all natural, Caboose." Weiss said.

 **Church** : No dude, that's all natural.

"I give up…" Weiss muttered as she rested her face in her palms.

 **Tex** : York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's somethin' going on Church, with a lot of people working against us.

"Oh great, not another conspiracy!" Ruby moaned, ' _Nice choice of words.'_ Noire thought,

" _Well, considering Command is probably still out to kill Tucker about the whole 'The war is a lie' thing, you can't really say you didn't see this coming._ " Noire said.

 **Church** : Well what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

 **Tex** : He didn't, before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there, and the next he was gone.

"Kinda like Blake's Shadow Clones." Yang said. She was still having trouble believing Blake could make solid clones, even though she said it was her Semblance. She always thought she was moving so goddamn fast that she was creating after images.

 **Caboose** : What about the second after that?

 **Tex** : Can I kill him?

 **Church** : No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So, Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?

 **Tex** : I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

" _It is possible since Simmons is able to do it_." Noire pointed out, " _And Freelancers do have more advanced technology than the Reds & Blues_."

 **Church** : How is that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is- ...Wait a minute. Each Freelancer had an enhanced suit of armor and an A.I., right?

 **Tex** : Right.

 **Caboose** : Right.

"Nice work Caboose." Weiss congratulated the Blue Idiot, "Good to see you're catching up."

 **Church** : Your armor was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega.

 **Tex** : Right.

 **Caboose** : Wrong. Oops, missed that one, can we go back?

"And he lost it." Yang added in,

"Hey, at least give him props for lasting that long." Weiss said. Yang agreed, but didn't say anything else

 **Church** : What was Wyoming's A.I.?

 **Tex** : Gamma.

"Gamma…" Ruby muttered to herself as she repeated the name, "Wait… doesn't that sound like…!?"

"What is it Ruby?" Yang said, but had a feeling what Ruby was about to say,

"Gummy!" Ruby answered, causing everyone else in the room to face fault, 'Well, it's good to see her child side again.' Yang thought as everyone got up. She then noticed that Ruby had a camera and was looking through photos and giggling perversely. She quickly took it away and smashed it, "It had photos!"

"What? Like anyone uses cameras these days." Yang reasoned as she threw away the remains.

 **Church** : Huughh. I gotta make a phone call.

"How about using a phone as a phone?" Weiss pointed out. She saw all the apps Yang downloaded on her Scroll. Now it was more of a portable gaming device than anything else,

"Touché." Yang said, ' _Thank you Chaos Lord Roscoso for the joke, also aceman88 for the Healing Unit thing._ '

_Cut to O'Malley's old base, with the sound of a phone ringing_

**Gary** : hello.

 **Church** : Hello, this is Church Gary. Or should I call you Gamma. Have you been lying to us?

 **Gary** : lying is such a shisno concept. i mean human concept

" _Oh, he is so lying_." Noire muttered, " _Also, shit no to the Shisno."_

"That was my line…" Yang muttered, clearly a bit upset.

 **Church** : You're a computer, I thought computers can't lie.

 **Gary** : they can if they are programmed to lie.

"Well, it's true." Weiss spoke up.

 **Church** : Were you programmed to lie?

 **Gary** : ... no...

 **Church** : God dammit.

"At least be programmed to lie like you're telling the truth." Ruby said, "But here's the question: Can we believe Gary now?"

" _No. No you don't_." Noire answered.

 **Gary** : i have to go, church.

 **Church** : Wait a minute, what about the Aliens, how do we-

 **Gary** : goodbye.

 **Wyoming** : Hmm, do they know?

 **Gary** : there is nothing to worry about. we are close to the end. we will not be stopped now.

"You know, Gary & Wyoming are becoming more evil." Weiss muttered, "Hell, they're even more evil than O'Malley."

"Weiss, Jaune is more evil than O'Malley." Ruby told her partner flatly, "And that's saying something."

 **Wyoming** : We should keep going, hop in.

_Back to Church, with his radio making those o-so-familiar connection sounds_

**Vic Jr.** : Hello, ringading, Blue Base, come in, let's go hello, come in.

 **Church** : Hello? Vic, is that you?

 **Vic Jr.** : Hey dude, how's it goin', been a while since we spoke.

"Well, shit goes down and when shit goes down you don't have much time to talk about shooting someone." Yang said.

 **Church** : Why're you calling me?

 **Vic Jr.** : Everything been goin' good yeah that's great listen don't have much time to talk, uh been discussing things here at Blue Command, we think everything isss bad, and now is the time to go attack the Red Base. Turns out the Reds are up to no good, and somebody needs to kill 'em. A good way to do that might be to send some people through the caves, yeah, take 'em by surprise, anyway, can't talk, gotta go, seeya la vista.

"Okay, that's suspicious." Weiss said, "Vic is obviously hiding something and it involves the caves & the Reds."

" _Well there are underground bases there. Maybe they weren't supposed to find out about them_." Noire guessed, " _Either way, Command's lies are starting to fall apart._ "

 **Church** : Waitasecond waitasecond wait- Why do people keep hanging up on me!?

"You're a hanging up type of person Church!" Yang answered.

_Cut to the Reds entering a structure via a bridge, in their vast underground lair, and coming across a view screen switching between shots of the Canyon_

"So maybe that's what Vic's hiding…" Ruby muttered, "The computer in the caves."

 **Sarge** : Huh, what's all this business?

 **Simmons** : It looks like a bunch of computer equipment, Sir.

"Thank you Captain Obvious." Yang said as she mock-saluted and rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge** : Excellent analysis, Simmons.

 **Donut** : And it's attached to some kinda T.V. thing.

" _Thank Lieutenant Obvious_." Noire said as she did the same thing Yang did with Simmons.

 **Sarge** : So it is. Astute deduction, Donut.

 **Grif** : It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!

"And… actually, very useful information Grif." Ruby said, who was about to do the same thing Yang & Weiss had done.

 **Sarge** : Ah yes, another incredible observation from the stating the obvious department. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.

"BULLSHIT!" WYRN yelled out.

 **Grif** : Huhhhhhh.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, Donut- you two stay here. Grif's gonna continue to help look for Andy.

 **Grif** : Fine. ( _wandering off_ ) Huhh, I hate my job.

"I'd hate any job with Sarge around." Yang muttered.

 **Donut** : Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Mahan, so many good memories.

"Please elaborate." Ruby said as she leaned forward,

" _Is there footage? Because I would pay to see stuff like that_." Noire said as she copied Ruby. Not wanting another view, Weiss pulled them back to their seats, " _Aww…_ "

 **Simmons** : I hope this thing isn't connected to the internet.

 **Sarge** : Euh, the Blues must've set this up. Crafty devils. Spying on us all along. ...What's all that?

 **Simmons** : That looks like Blue Base.

 **Sarge** : Why would the Blues spy on themselves?

"Because the Blues never built it!" Weiss answered loudly.

 **Simmons** : Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might've.

 **Sarge** : Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just wanna see themselves on T.V. Boy I bet they have those stupid liberal equal time laws. Commie Blue bastards.

"No idea what the hell he just said but fuck that, Sarge." Ruby said.

 **Simmons** : What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us.

 **Donut** : Wait a minute, how could an ancient civilization be more advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?

 **Simmons** : They could have mysteriously disappeared, only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology.

 **Donut** : ... ... That's gay.

"You're gay!" Yang exclaimed while glancing at Noire,

" _I'm bisexual_!" Noire yelled at Yang,

"Oh, says you 'Officer Hotpants'!" Ruby shouted, "Not like I mind that image."

"Nice comeback, Yang." Weiss said at the same time as Noire & Ruby while rolling her eyes.

 **Simmons** : Oh let's finish this fight later.

" _Cue credits_." Noire muttered to herself.

 **Sarge** : Look, what's that?

 **Simmons** : Hhh! That looks like Sister's armor.

 **Donut** : Oh no, what happened to her?

"She's having a physical exam done by Doc." Ruby replied, 'I still wanna know how he can get away with that.'

 **Sarge** : Clearly she's been disintegrated.

"No she wasn't." Weiss added, "She's alright. Although a bit cold."

" _Hey, we know that, but the Reds have no idea._ " Noire pointed out, " _If I was in that situation, that would be a viable option_."

"Eh, that's true." Weiss muttered as she rubbed the back of her neck, "But at least having something more realistic, like torture or some shit."

" _Into BDSM, Weiss-chan_?"

"Shut up." Weiss quickly answered as her face went red.

 **Simmons** : Why would they do that? Oh, we can't tell Grif. He's gonna be devastated.

 **Grif** : Tell me what.

 **Sarge** : Tell you that your sister's been vaporized by the Blues.

 **Grif** : What!?

"Real subtle there Sarge." Yang said with sarcasm in her voice.

 **Simmons** : Sarge!?

 **Sarge** : Heh heh, it's just like rippin' off a band-aid. Quick and incredibly painful.

"You have no idea." Weiss commented, remembering when she ripped off a then-experimental Schnee band-aid made to heal wounds instantly off. Let's just say it caused more pain than when she received the wound. On a side note: She discovered her potty mouth at age 8.

 **Simmons** : We just talked about this, I thought we agreed not to tell him.

 **Grif** : What?

 **Donut** : You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge.

"When do you think they'll realize Sister is actually alive?" Ruby asked her perverted friend,

" _Probably by the end of the episode._ "

 **Sarge** : Son, the only thing I need to do is stay Red and die.

"Which is probably what's always on his mind every day." Weiss figured.

 **Grif** : What?

 **Simmons** : I'm really sorry Grif. She's dead.

 **Grif** : How could this have happened? Oh man, that was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her.

 **Simmons** : This has to be hard Grif. I, don't know what to say.

 **Grif** : I-I just, I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever. I'd give anything to see her again and just to talk to her one last time, and I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.

"Man, Grif really cares about his sister, doesn't he?" Ruby asked, surprised with how Grif was reacting,

"You do know that Sister, who I am  _not_ ," Yang said as she glared at Noire, who wasn't even looking, "Is still alive, right?" She reminded her little sister,

"I know, it's just surprising to see Grif acting like this."

"I have to agree with Ruby." Weiss added, "The entire time we've known Grif, he never gave a shit about, well, anything. To see him acting like this when he just found out his sister is dead… it's an amazement. It just shows that everyone has a soft side and how emotional they can get." Everyone sat there in silence, taking in Weiss' Wise Words of Wisdom, "So… how long do you think it's gonna take until they screw this over?"

Noire looked at her (or should I say Blake's) wrist watch, " _Knowing this show, they'll do just that in 3… 2… 1…_ "

 **Donut** : Oh hey, look! She's not dead, she's just naked!

 **Grif** : What! That little slut, I'm gonna kill her!

"There it is." Team WYRN said in unison.

 **Simmons** : Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!

"Do it, do it, do it, DO IT!" Noire & Ruby begged,

"They do know that we can't even see her naked, right?" Yang asked the two,

"At this point, I chose to ignore whatever you guys do." Weiss responded, ' _Thank DraxiusKnight7 for the jo-no wait, here's another one. Oh… I like this one._ '

"Oh I just remembered!" Ruby shouted, getting up and running out of the room,

"What was that about?" A very confused Yang whispered to Noire,

" _No idea."_ The succubus Faunus answered. It was at that point that Ruby burst into the room, carrying a life-sized shark plushie,

"I got you a gift Weiss!" Ruby said happily as she showed it to the Lover of Shark Plushies. Yang was about to ask how she got that, before remembering the time she beat up that guy in the life-sized shark costume who was stalker her and took his costume as a prize. She quickly she herself up. Weiss stared at the toy for a moment, 'Okay, stay calm, it doesn't have any "additions", no reason to be turned on.' She thought as Ruby gave her the toy and pulled out a small device with two buttons,

" _What's that Ruby-chan_?" Noire asked, curious about the device in her perverted friend's hand. Ruby pushed a button, which cause twin dildos emerged from the plushie and dangerously close to Weiss' face,

"Did you know sharks have two penises? They also do this too!" Ruby then pushed the other button. Suddenly, the dildos started to vibrate, causing Weiss to just stare at them,

" _What do you think Weiss-chan_?" Noire asked. Weiss didn't even respond as she stared at the best Christmas present anyone could give her, before fainting. A quickly splash of hot water (courtesy of Yang) and a bit of attempted murder, Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play, ' _Thank you Epsilon246 for the joke.'_

**(Tucker Knows Best)**

_Fade into the caves where the Reds are_

**Grif** : PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you? Don't embarrass the family!

"Your family!? You mean the one that has a lazier-than-hell son, a horny slut of a daughter, and a mother who ran away to join the circus? Yeah, it's kinda hard to embarrass that family." Weiss commented.

 **Simmons** : I don't think she's embarrassing -whoa, why is she doing splits?

"Why can't we see it now?" The perverts whined.

 **Sarge** : Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

"What's a Facebook?" Ruby asked, "Sounds dumb. We Vytalians have Bookface!" Yang prepared for something to happen to Ruby, but got a little ticked off when nothing happened.

 **Simmons** : Does this thing take dollar bills?

"That gives me an idea." Noire muttered before speaking a robotic voice, "To see more pornography or naked ladies, put in 100 Lien to see more." Noire thought this idea would make her-I mean-them rich.

 **Grif** : Come on, that's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

 **Simmons** : So? She's not our sister.

 **Grif** : Stop, looking at her!

"For once, he has a point." Yang spoke up, "It's disturbing, creepy, and c'mon! It's his sister!"

"Oh c'mon Yang! Give them a break; they haven't seen a female body in years! Do you know what kind of torture that is!?" Ruby tried to defend the Reds, "And it's just seeing her naked. It's not like they're hurting anyone. They should be glad to see what God has given the world."

"IT'S DISTURBING AS HELL!" Weiss shouted.

 **Simmons** : Why does Donut get to look?

 **Donut** : Hey, why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

 **Grif** : That's why Donut gets to look.

"So about Donut being gay…" Yang muttered,

" _Yang, shut up._ " Noire said as she looked at the blonde, " _You're being stereotypical. For all we know Donut is straight and is more in touch with his feminine side. So shut up and stop calling Donut gay, you asshole._ " Yang was going to respond, but instead just looked down in shame.

 **Sarge** : Ohhh, look, she's puttin' her armor back on. Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting her armor back on. Good work Soldier!

" _Wow, even Sarge was disappointed at Sister putting her armour back on._ " Noire commented, ' _Thank you to aznalpha for the joke._ '

 **Grif** : Don't patronize me.

 **Simmons** : It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.

 **Sarge** : What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty backstabbers.

"For once, Sarge might be right on this one." Yang muttered,

"There has been times Sarge has been right, you know." Ruby reminded her sister,

"I don't know, you sorta forget when there are a lot more fails than wins."

 **Donut** : I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us?

 **Sarge** : Dirty frontstabbers! Simmons, what're they saying?

 **Simmons** : I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. And without any sound it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

 **Sarge** : Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

"Wait, hold on one second." Weiss said as she went back to the beginning and got rid of all the sound, "Wow, they do look ridiculous!" Weiss said as she laughed a little before going back to the part where they were up to and turning back the volume on.

_Cut to the Blues all gathered on top of Blue Base_

**Church** : Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red base right away. I don't know why but, I guess we're gonna do it.

 **Tucker** : Attack? Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?

" _They are the military_." Noire muttered as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Church** : And for some reason he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves.

 **Tex** : Why?

 **Church** : I don't know, who cares? So, me and Tex and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle.

"They should've taken them by behind when they had the chance." Ruby said, "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

"Well," Weiss started, ignoring Ruby's comment, "Vic didn't count on one thing: The Blues not giving a single fuck about Command, and taking the lazy route."

 **Tucker** : What about my kid he can't go in to battle!

 **Church** : Doc, Sister and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves.

" ** _FUCK YOU CHURCH!_** " Noire yelled at the TV, " ** _I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND I HATE ALL THE BANDS YOU LIKE!_** "

 **Tucker** : Oh.

 **Church** : We'll find you after the battle's over. Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens I want to be buried as far away as possible from these two.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full o' beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah, you know what, it's all in my will.

"That's one way to be remembered." Weiss muttered,

" _At least the little guy will see his father every day, even if he does die."_ Noire said as she blew her nose.

 **Caboose** : What about me? Can I get lost too?

 **Tex** : No Caboose, I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.

 **Church** : Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her altogether.

"You better not fuck this up Caboose." Yang growled as she raised her fist.

 **Caboose** : Oh that would be bad.

 **Church** : Right, otherwise how would you accidentally kill people?

"A lot of different, surprising and somehow ingenious ways, my friend." Ruby said,

 **Caboose** : Hmm, well I suppose I could always-

 **Church** : Shut up that was rhetorical, Tucker come on, let's get going.

 **Doc** : When should we go?

 **Church** : Dhe-a- I don't care. Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain. Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh.

"We'll keep that in mind, Church." Yang said with a smirk.

 **Tucker** : Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

 **Doc** : Tucker he's only three days old.

" _They grow up so fast_!" Noire cried as she sobbed into Yang's shoulder,

'Help me.' Yang mouthed to her other teammates,

'No.' They mouthed back while they shook their heads,

'You guys are assholes.'

 **Tucker** : Yeah, they grow up so fast.

"Oh dear God." Weiss muttered as she face palmed.

 **Church** : Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

" _Shut the fuck up before I shove grubs up your ass."_ Noire growled in a very Creepy Ruby way, which caused Ruby, Weiss & Yang to wince and move away from her.

 **Tucker** : The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers. Invest in real estate,

"That's what my family does." Weiss muttered, "Good thinking, Tuck."

 **Tucker:** There's no such thing as a permanent record,

"Tell that to Ozpin…" Yang muttered before her eyes widened, "Does anyone know where they keep permanent records in Beacon."

"One, no. Two, if we did, we won't tell you. And Three, all permanent records in Beacon are digital so don't bother trying to burn them." Weiss told the Brawler. She then saw a look in her eyes, "YOU'RE NOT BURNING DOWN THE SCHOOL SERVERS! I HAVE STRAIGHT As ON THAT!"

"And one detention~" Weiss paused for a moment before shaking it off and telling Yang that the server room was locked and behind a lot of security measures in case of students wanting to mess with the system. But hey, she didn't say it could stop Yang Xiao Long, did she?

 **Tucker:** Always eat breakfast,

"The most important meal of the day…" The RWBYs (As in no Noire) said, like they've said millions of times before, and rolled their eyes.

 **Tucker:** All the girls on the internet are actually dudes,

"Hey, there are lots of girls on the internet." Ruby said, slightly offended, "Of course, there are a lot on porn sites but there are definitely girls on the internet!"

 **Tucker:** And you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever.

'Last time I do that.' Everyone thought in their heads. Ruby for a sewing machine to repair her cloaks, Weiss on that fan powered by Wind Dust, Blake for a special cat food, Yang for having the fire department on speed dial on her Scroll and Noire for giving away an extended warranty on her soul.

 **Tucker:** Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them they're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

The girls stayed quiet at that part. They did like guys who would compliment them while being assertive at the same time and not afraid to speak his mind, even if it meant pissing them off. So, in a sense, Tucker was right.

 **Church** : Tucker let's go!

 **Tucker** : Okay little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." (Ruby)

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow_." (Noire)

 **Junior** : Bow chicka honk honk.

" _He's_   _grown up so much_." Noire said as she cried happy tears, " _He's finally seeing his true calling._ "

"To fuck bitches, get money?" Yang asked, remembering that stupid, horribly offensive song,

" _I was gonna say being a pervert but that works too._ "

 **Doc** : Hunh, I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

 **Tucker** : Teach? You don't teach that. That shit's genetic.

'Let's just hope some of Noire doesn't get in there.' Yang thought, remembering the rumours about Blake dating Sun, which was strongly likely since everyone in Beacon thought they were perfect for each other and the looks they were giving each other, 'I wonder what he's doing now.'

(With RVIW)

"HOW CAN YOU GET NEGATIVE TWENTY  **MILLION**  POINTS IN TIME CRISIS OF ALL GAMES!?" Hiro yelled at the monkey boy as he stared at Sun abysmal score while Penny was still playing. She was at the final level and hasn't lost any health, "FOR FUCK'S SAKE MAN, YOU EVEN SHOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT IN REAL LIFE SOMEHOW! HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!? I MEAN SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY!? I know Penny might be a robot but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU SUCK!"

(Back to WYRN)

'Meh, I'm sure he's fine.' Yang thought before going back to watching.

_Cut to Tex, Church and Tucker walking along the plateau on the side of the Canyon toward Red Base_

**Church** : I don't see anything.

 **Tex** : I'll move up. You two stay here.

 **Tucker** : You want us to cover you?

"Against an empty base? Go ahead." Yang said.

 **Tex** : Yeah. Cover me. That way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away.

 **Tucker** : Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.

"Actually, you don't have to be a bitch about everything." Ruby muttered angrily.

_Tex approaches Red Base, while Church looks on through the scope of the sniper rifle_

**Church** : I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

"Yeah, down a hole and in a cave crawling with aliens and shit that wants kill you." Weiss said, "Oh, and you can't forget the computer spying on all of Blood Gulch.

 **Tucker** : Uh, what do you see?

 **Church** : I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

 **Tucker** : Man I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

"At least you have your sword, Tucker." Yang said, "And at least you can kill someone with it."

 **Church** : Oh yeah boo hoo, all you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

 **Tucker** : Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

'Yep, definitely the male versions of Ruby & Weiss.' Yang & Blake thought, remembering the comment they thought of at the first season, 'Ah… memories…' (AN: Hey, have call backs from the previous chapters in your jokes if possible. I wanna celebrate the Season 5 finale!)

 **Church** : Can I use the sword?

 **Tucker** : Oh hell yes!

 **Church** : Fine, here.

" _Okay, somehow Tucker will either be better at using the Sniper Rifle than Church or he'll be worse than Church and somehow shoot backwards_." Noire said, " _Either way, it'll be interesting_."

 **Tucker** : Oh kickass! Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

 **Church** : Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

"Keyblade~" Yang sang out.

 **Tucker** : Now how do I- wait what is this thing?

 **Church** : Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

_Tucker shoots Tex right in the ass_

Weiss & Yang prepared for every comment Ruby & Noire were about to spout out. It was going to involve a lot of jokes about anal, and how Tucker shot his ammo into Tex's ass, or how Tex's ass will be sore in the morning and every single dirty joke they could think of. But they just sat there. Silent. Not even blinking, "Meh, too easy." Ruby responded at the dumbfounded looks the two non-perverted girls have,

" _What? I mean, we can comment on how Tex got shot in the ass but…_ "

"You actually ran out of material!?" Yang finished off Noire's sentence,

" _Oh, fuck no. I mean we'd be here for a week just trying to get through them all._ " Noire then picked up the remote and continued the episode, " _Anyway, I think you two already covered those. You two have dirty minds._ " Weiss & Yang just stared at Noire, realizing that in reality, they did cover all the jokes. They sighed as they had given up and decided to accept whatever hits them, " _Also, she's gonna feel that in the morning. Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ "

 **Tex** : OW!

 **Church** : What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

 **Tucker** : Oops! That was an accident.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby said, "Now that's an opportunity!"

 **Church** : We're s'posed to be sneaking up on 'em, dumbass. They're gonna hear us, gimme it back.

 **Tucker** : Um, yeah, okay take it back.

"Well, Church just screwed himself over." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these year- Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

_Tex punches Church in the face_

"Oh! Nice right hook Tex!" Weiss said as she acted out the scene.

 **Church** : OW! What the fuck did I do!?

"You let Tucker get the Sniper Rifle." Ruby answered as she mentally kicked Tucker out of her list of Best Snipers. She really had hope for him after he saw that Sister was a girl.

 **Tex** : Asshole!

" _A suitable name to call out._ " Noire noted, " _Considering there's a bullet shoved up her ass servos._ "

"'Ass servos'? Really?" Yang asked as she looked at Noire in disapproval,

" _What else can you name it? Rectal Wires? Sphincter cords?_ "

 **Tucker** : I told him to be careful with that thing; he's just not very good with it.

"That's the understatement of the century." Yang said as everyone got ready for the last episode, "So… how's everyone doing?"

"So far… actually pretty well." Weiss admitted, "You know, usually I would be pretty angry by the end of the second episode but now I'm actually enjoying myself."

"Okay I guess." Ruby answered as she stretched, "Pretty well."

" _I could be better._ " Noire admitted, " _Could be worse though. So Yang, how're you doing?_ "

"You know what I realize." Yang said as she looked out the window, "My life is like a progress bar, and I'm sitting on the couch waiting for the goddamn thing to load already so I can get to the good bits! And when I get there, oh my God, it'll be worth it." There was a silence after that, trying to figure out what the hell Yang was saying,

"That was literally the worst analogy ever." Ruby told Yang flatly,

"Of all time." Weiss added in, "FUCK!"

" _That didn't even make an ounce of sense Yang._ " Noire said as she gave the remote to Weiss, " _Are you going insane or something?_ "

"I-I mean, the thing meant," Yang tried to explain herself, but realized that staying up late was starting to affect her brain, "Just start the stupid episode."

"Gladly." Weiss answered as she pressed play.

**(Loading…)**

" _And you were saying stuff about loading, huh_?" Noire said as she nudged Yang,

"Shut up, the lack of sleep is frying my brain." Yang mumbled as she yawned.

_Fade in on the computer readouts inside the ship_

**Sheila** : Hello, and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute. Where am I?

 **Caboose** : Sheila! You're awake! I am so happy, look- we got you a new place to live. Now you are the big ship lady.

"YES! OH YEAH BABY! IT WORKED! IT FUCKING WORKED!" Yang cheered with her voice as loud as it can go,

"Yang, shut up. It's already 5:30 in the morning and you're getting pretty loud." Ruby said as she yawned,

"The only people who can hear us is us and like anyone will be woken up!" Yang reasoned with her sis. She just shrugged in response, unable to come up with a good explanation about why she should stay quiet.

 **Sheila** : I like it. It is so roomy. Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.

"What did you say about the tank." Yang growled before being held back by the others.

 **Caboose** : And now... you can fly.

 **Sheila** : Are you the pilot Caboose? Shall I run the tutorial program?

"I don't think she has the proper tutorial program for a space ship." Weiss muttered as she slapped herself a bit to stay awake.

 **Caboose** : Mmm, yeah. Uh, let's not do that right now.

_Cut to the underground view screen the Reds are looking at_

**Sarge** : Look they're invading our base! And we're not even there to defend it. Oh the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've all been training for!

"You've trained for your death, being trapped in a cave with advanced tech, getting captured by aliens and having the Blues captures your base while all that is happening?" Ruby asked rhetorically, "Well, you must be one crazily-prepared man."

 **Grif** : Training? We haven't done any training. Wait, is sleep considered training?

"Does meditation count as training?" Yang asked Noire,

" _It depends. Is it training to go to your happy place while you're getting tortured by people who desperately want to kill you?_ " Noire asked Yang.

"Uh… yes…?"

" _Then yes._ "

"Sweet."

 **Sarge** : Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. Simmons? Simmons!

 **Simmons** : Uh huh, yeah, I agree. Everything you say is right, Red Team's great... hooray.

"He's not even paying attention or caring about the Red's Base being captured, doesn't he?" Ruby muttered, "He must really want to see someone naked again."

" _In all honesty, so do we_." Noire added in as she hoped for more action.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, stop watching those T.V.s.

 **Donut** : Yeah Simmons, give it up. There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there.

 **Simmons** : Shut up, you don't know that. Stop saying that. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

"PERVERT!" Weiss & Yang yelled out,

"COWARD!" Noire & Ruby shouted,

"NERD!" WYRN exclaimed.

 **Sarge** : Men, this won't be easy. The Blues will be totally bunkered down. At both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! But we're the Red Team.

_A flag lowers behind Sarge, with someone singing_

"Wait, where did the flag come from?" Yang asked,

"The flag? Who's singing is a better question!" Ruby pointed out, not noticing Noire singing almost exactly like the guy who was singing in the episode.

 **Sarge** : Sure, you might not be the best squad... might not be smart... or energetic, or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit.

"This pep talk is getting less peppy by the word." Weiss muttered as she crossed her arms and leaned back.

 **Sarge:** However-

 **Donut** : Where did that flag come from?

 **Grif** : Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag. How about who's singing?

' _Hey, I'm breaking forth walls like it's my job._ ' Noire thought as she kept singing, with the girls somehow oblivious to it.

 **Sarge** : But with precise operations, and proper communication, we will emerge victorious!

"And maybe a bit of skill might help you not die!" Yang called out.

 **Sarge:** With a little luck, one of us in particular, will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly.

"Of course." Ruby muttered as she looked at Noire.

_The singing stops_

' _That was close._ ' Noire thought as she wiped off some sweat. Breaking two forth walls is hard work.

 **Simmons** : Why don't we just take over Blue Base?

 **Sarge** : Nonsense! At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!

"Which none of them have since they don't have turrets and no one can drive the tank!" Yang exclaimed, "So, in layman terms, they're boned."

 **Simmons** : Blue Base has no one in it.

 **Sarge** : What?

 **Simmons** : Look, see? They're all gone.

"Well, maybe Sister, Doc & Junior but they're pretty harmless." Weiss said.

 **Sarge** : Where'd they go?

 **Donut** : They went to Red Base. That's what we've been talking about.

 **Grif** : But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base? I'm all turned around down here.

" _How about figuring how to get out of the cave first. If the cave is under Blood Gulch, they could easily make their way up and get to one of the bases_." Noire told the Reds.

 **Donut** : I have an idea.

_Cut to the Reds standing over the bodies of the two Blue corpses_

"Oh right, forgot about them." Ruby said.

 **Donut** : See, these are dead Blues.

 **Sarge** : Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses. Sicko.

"Hey, they're Blues and they're dead. Go nuts." Yang muttered sarcastically.

 **Donut** : Don't you get it? When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too.

 **Simmons** : I thought the Blues had three dead guys.

"Holy shit, wait!" Weiss exclaimed as she stood up, "Where's Flowers' body!?"

"Oh fucking hell, someone must've took it!" Yang answered, "And shouldn't the bodies have decayed by now!?"

" _Another mystery waiting to be solved_." Noire muttered as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Donut** : So that means, we're standing right underneath Blue Base. All we need to do is head up, and take 'em from behind.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby quickly said, "Also, that's actually pretty smart. Good work soldier."

 **Sarge** : Cavernous conundrum he's right! Let's go men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! On to glorious victory!

 **Simmons** : Technically that's not victory. It's more like a stalemate.

" _Or a Catch-22, arrest, check, delay, draw, gridlock, impasse, pause, standoff, standstill, tie, the list goes on_." Noire said, naming off every synonym she could find on Thesaurus Dot Com, " _Though I prefer the term 'Deadlock'_."

 **Sarge** : On to equilibrium then?

"Close enough!" WYRN said.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, that'll work.

 **Grif** : Huhh, this war sucks.

"Every war sucks Grif." Weiss muttered, "And war never changes."

_Cut back to Caboose and Sheila_

**Sheila** : Diagnostic complete.

"Oh yeah, she's back bitches!" Yang cheered, only for everyone to tell her to shut up.

 **Caboose** : Um, Sheila have you seen Tex?

" _He really has a short term memory, doesn't he_?" Noire noted as she rubbed her chin.

 **Sheila** : No. I have been running a diagnostic on my new home. I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear. But I require a replacement ignition coil to become functional. Do you have an ignition coil Private Caboose?

 **Caboose** : Um no, uh but Tex wanted me to tell her when you started talking. Um... and I'm supposed to find her.

 **Sheila** : My sensors indicate she is at the Red base.

 **Caboose** : Om no that's the worst kind of base.

"HEY!" Ruby shouted out, "Red isn't that bad of a colour."

"Red Team." The others said automatically,

"Shut up! They don't count!"

 **Sheila** : Why did she want to speak to me?

 **Caboose** : Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is.

 **Sheila** : Oh. Of course. Would you like to know where O'Malley is Caboose?

"Finally we're getting somewhere!" Weiss exclaimed as she threw her arms up in the air.

_Cut to the cave Sister, Doc and Junior went in_

**Sister** : So by the time I got home it was 4am, and when my Mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding around on the train all night, which I guess is technically true...

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow_." Noire said, " _She must be fun at parties._ "

"Yeah…" Yang responded sarcastically as she rolled her eyes,

" _Kinda like you, Sister._ "

"I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Yang." Ruby told her as she giggled a little, only to stop when she saw Yang's hair starting to flicker, "Okay, I'll shut up now."

 **Doc** : Uh yeah, we don't have to talk about stuff anymore. Let's just walk. And not talk. Ever again.

'Not even going to comment.' Everyone thought as they shifted in their chairs and yawned.

 **Sister** : Come on little guy, hurry up!

 **Junior** : Hnnnk!

 **Sister** : Oh my God, head.

"Bow  _Chicka_ Bow  _Wow_." Ruby  & Noire quickly added.

 **Doc** : Okay please, really, no more stories.

"Okay, I'm curious but what the hell did she do before coming?" Weiss muttered to herself, "Better yet, what was her job?"

"I have a pretty good feeling I know what it is." Yang said as she blushed a little.

 **Sister** : Seriously, it's a head. Look.

 **Doc** : Huh?

 **Lopez** : Yo.

"Hey! Lopez! Forgot you were even in Blood Gulch!" Ruby said, "And your Spanish still sucks!"

 **Doc** : Oh. It's you.

 **Lopez** : Whatever. Some way to treat your sidekick. Gone for days and you don't even look for me.

" _Well, technically Lopez is O'Malley's sidekick and it was possessing Doc so he could have a body, and since Doc wasn't in control he had no purpose in finding Lopez._ " Noire explained, " _Anyway, he was too busy seeing God's gift to the world._ "

 **Sister** : You know him?

 **Doc** : You speak Spanish?

 **Sister** : Uh, of course I do, it's the year twenty-five hundred and I'm from America.

"Like any of that will help." Weiss muttered.

 **Doc** : Aoh, cool. Tell him O'Malley is gone.

 **Sister** : O'Malley no está aquí ya fue.

"Hey, can you speak Spanish Noire?" Yang asked the cat girl replacement, guessing that she would've learned Spanish along with Blake,

" _A little. Yeah_." Noire answered, " _Why?_ "

"Do you mind translating?"

" _Oh, sure. She said,_ (" _O'Malley are here and was_.")." Noire translated, " _God her Spanish sucks._ "

 **Lopez** : Your Spanish sucks.

" _That's what I just said_!"

 **Sister** : Who's O'Malley?

"Some dick. That's all you need to know." Ruby said flatly.

_Cut to the Red Base, which the Blues have handily taken over_

**Church** : Alright well, I guess let's break up in to teams and search the base.

 **Tex** : Got it.

_Radio sounds_

**Caboose** : Tex! Tex are you there Tex? I know who O'Malley is!

"Good, now go find the bastard and shoot his balls off!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Tucker** : It looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?

 **Church** : I s'pose so. I guess we have, two bases, in the middle of a box canyon now.

 **Tucker** : Whoopdie fuckin' doo.

"Déjà vu much?" Weiss muttered, remembering the first episode.

 **Church** : Right Tex?

 **Tex** : ( _aiming her gun at Church_ ) Don't move, O'Malley.

"Oh shit." Ruby whispered to herself,

"That doesn't seem right…" Weiss muttered as she narrowed her eyes,

"Okay, did not see that coming." Yang admitted,

" _Oh c'mon, he's mean all the time. It's the perfect place for O'Malley to hide in_." Noire said.

 **Church** : Oh, crap.

"Well, shit went down pretty quickly." Yang said as she turned off the TV and stretched, "Are any of you feeling tired?" Everyone shook their heads. Apart from some yawning, they weren't that sleepy, "So… what do we do now?" There was a silence after that as they tried to figure out what to do to help them get to sleep,

"Screw it." Ruby said as she sighed, "Why not!?" Cue another random musical number.

 **Ruby:** When you walk away

You don't hear me say

 **Ruby & Weiss: **"Please…

 **Yang:** Oh baby…

 **Noire:** Don't go."

 **WRYN:** Simple & Clean is the way that you're making feel tonight

 **Ruby:** It's hard to let it go.

 **Weiss:** You're giving me

Too many things, lately

 **Yang:** You're all I need…

 **Weiss & Yang: **You smiled at me…

 **Yang:** And said:

 **Ruby & Noire: **"Don't get me wrong, I love you,

But does that mean I have to meet, your father?"

 **Weiss & Yang: **When we are older you will understand

 **Weiss:** What I meant when I said:

 **Yang:** "No, I don't think,

 **WYRN:** Life is quite that simple."

 **Ruby:** When you walk away

You don't hear me say

 **Ruby & Weiss: **"Please…

 **Yang:** Oh baby…

 **Noire:** Don't go."

 **WRYN:** Simple & Clean is the way that you're making feel tonight

 **Ruby:** It's hard to let it go.

 **Weiss:** The daily things…

 **Noire:** Like this and that and what is what

 **Weiss:** That keeps us all, busy

 **Yang:** Are confusing me…

 **Weiss & Yang: **And that's when you came to me…

 **Yang:** And said:

 **Ruby & Noire: **"Wish I could prove I love you,

But does that mean I have to walk, on water?"

 **Weiss & Yang: **When we are older you will understand…

 **Yang:** It's enough when I say so

 **Weiss:** And maybe,

 **WYRN:** Some things are that simple

 **Ruby:** When you walk away

You don't hear me say

 **Ruby & Weiss: **"Please…

 **Yang:** Oh baby…

 **Noire:** Don't go."

 **WRYN:** Simple & Clean is the way that you're making feel tonight

 **Ruby:** It's hard to let it go.

 **WYRN:** Hold me…

 **Weiss:** Whatever lies

 **WYRN:** Beyond this morning…

 **Noire:** Is a little later on

 **Yang:** Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me all…

 **WYRN:** Nothing's like before!

 **Ruby:** When you walk away

You don't hear me say

 **Ruby & Weiss: **"Please…

 **Yang:** Oh baby…

 **Noire:** Don't go."

 **WRYN:** Simple & Clean is the way that you're making feel tonight

 **Ruby:** It's hard to let it go.

 **WYRN:** Hold me…

 **Weiss:** Whatever lies

 **WYRN:** Beyond this morning…

 **Noire:** Is a little later on

 **Yang:** Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me all…

 **WYRN:** Nothing's like before!

 **WYRN:** Hold me…

 **Weiss:** Whatever lies

 **WYRN:** Beyond this morning…

 **Noire:** Is a little later on

 **Yang:** Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me all…

 **WYRN:** Nothing's like before!

As soon as the song finished, everyone was tired and decided to hit the hay. Tomorrow was a new day. And it was going to be one hell of a day.

(Meanwhile in Blake/Noire's mind)

"I can't believe it." Blake muttered as she found a piece of paper titled "Weaknesses", "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

"It's the only way we can get our bodies back, Blake." Ruby said behind, since Blake didn't want her to see it, "If we don't, we'll be trapped in here forever."

"I know but…" Blake looked at the paper again, "We can't do anything."

"You say what now?"

"I'm saying…" Blake sighed as she stuffed the paper in her stockings since she didn't have any pockets, "We're gonna have to trust Weiss & Yang on this one."

"What are we going to do by then?" Ruby asked, upset that she was useless now,

"The only thing we can do Ruby."

"Hope & pray?"

"Oh fuck no. Noire's having a good dream and I am more than willing to fuck it up. C'mon Ruby, let's see if you can pull off a real Grim Reaper."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	43. Season Finale-The Battle (The Wrong Crowd, Uncommunicado, Same Old, Same Old, Repent, the End is Near, Why Were We Here?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh... All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game...Start!

' _Finale time, huh? Well, it's been one hell of a ride but I need a break for a bit. I'll see ya on the other side Pussy._ '

'Beacon Academy. The most well-known and prestigious school for teaching up-and-coming Huntsmen and Huntresses in all of Remnant, in order to defend the light from flickering out. The school, throughout the many years it has been open, has produced some of the greatest warriors known to mankind, and has given birth to various heroes, with people like Qrow, Glynda Goodwitch, Summer Rose and the Arc family, and will continue to produce these heroes as long as it stands. Sure, the teachers there can appear strange, weird or downright freaking nuts, but they are teachers for a reason. They are the best of the best and will give their wisdom to students both in the classroom and out of school grounds. This would be the perfect place to begin a story of heroes; honourable men & women willing to sacrifice their lives to improve the lives of others have and protect what humanity had to offer out of its short existence on the planet. To be about how they went from normal teens to mature people willing to defend the world, even from itself.

Too bad this isn't that type of story.

No, my dear readers, this isn't your normal story. This isn't about saving the world, getting revenge, getting over a dark past or even about friendship for that matter. No, this tale was both a story, but not a story at the same time. It was about a What-If. Not one What-If. Multiple.

What if there was a story that was never supposed to exist in the universe?

What if after an unfortunate event a group of people were trapped in a school with nothing to do?

What if they were Team RWBY?

What if they could only watch Red vs Blue?

What if there was more to them than meets the eye?

And, what if it changed them, for better or for worse?

Well, you get a piece of shit crossover crack story from FanFiction and the author regretting even putting the fucking thing up in the first place and getting banned from the site for all eternity and the author committing suicide afterwards before his body gets dragged off to Hell by Satan himself as he burns at the 18th level in Hell while his family spits on his grave and burns h9s pitoiful; soll ad bnqwdiowDJFQBJKqwfbjkajwnqcder wcasckbjbaswlbhukascfguz sevfi k hqw k bgwdjkaHAwrklahukwerhuireuilwqwr43gui w4u34wy8 iw3rq hilawe,aefr bhkRJ ,.B . M Bq jhQK HKK Qkhksmfnjfjxdfks123o0=kscejsdzasdaswejasweuaswe.''.zxsferfgxrhcbfvjbkzasdffxfrgcthvyjbuknl;ljubgyjgtfhdrxrgchb, /jkgyiftjdrhsegfawDefdertyjguhijo ;kp'[ weawnsklfasnkljunh SNHJHJXDDJ

Rch niKo/;.lymjukdnhsrzxgcfvhbjnk/;'OH AWERQYUIOPqwr bhuiQ3R UIGHJaQ2C32C3Q2C PQWCRYIOOJPQOPNJOPIOH QWRNIOHJQWHUIOQR ctOS WOHYIERQWNsUsOIO wrio!'

" _FUCKING HELL!_ " Noire yelled as she slammed the keyboard against the table along with her head. At least, in her dream. Yes, Noire was dreaming about writing a FanFiction about RWBY. Well, actually herself and the other girls to be specific. And right now, she was pissed because the only follower she had on her fic ' _i have sex with everyone in card captor sakura because why not.'_ Just un-followed her, " _I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MURDER YOU IN YOUR EYE HOLES, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!_ " She yelled at the monitor as she threw her keyboard against a wall, right near the shadow where Ruby & Blake hid in,

"Are you sure we should do this?" Ruby quietly asked from under her skull mask, "It looks like she's already having a nightmare." She shifted a little in her black robes as she kept a hand on the black version of Crescent Rose, "And a very intense one at that."

"One, I did that." Blake whispered as she put away her Scroll, "Even though it was a lot more 'stimulating' than I anticipated, I want her to suffer. Two, do I have to remind why you're here?" Ruby looked down before looking Blake in the eyes,

"I know and I want to get out of here as much as you do but, is this  _really_  helping our situation?"

"I don't think so but this, this is revenge for the years she's tortured me."

"I thought you said she's been here for a month or so?"

"I feels like years, Ruby. And let me tell those years have not been kind." Blake then saw Noire yelling at the top of her lungs after seeing she had -10 friends on something called Facebook. Blake knew it was time bring out her secret weapon: Reaper Ruby, "Okay, you're up. Go get her. Make sure you break out Crescent Rose."

"I got it, I got it." Ruby whispered before she left the shadows and approached Noire from behind. She made sure that Noire wasn't looking, as she was too focused on making fake profiles to fix her own, before hooking the scythe blade around her neck, "Noire," Ruby said in an altered voice thanks to Blake's control over her mind, "You have committed many sins, many crimes that has even disgusted the Devil himself, and God himself as asked me, the Shiniyami,"

"Shinigami!" Blake quietly corrected Ruby from the shadows, trying not to blow her own cover,

"Shinigami!" Ruby quickly said, trying to cover up her mistake, "The Shinigami of Remnant to retrieve your soul so it may be eaten by the demons that dwe-"

" _Shut up Ruby._ " Noire told the young girl flatly, still focusing on the computer, " _The only sins I've committed are perversion & lying, the Devil worships  **me** , I know God personally and he gave me permission to do whatever the fuck I want as long as it's in good tastes, and I have no soul to eat, and even if I did, it would be Blake's soul meaning you'll kill her as well. Now please leave before the traps set off and kill the both of you._"

"What traps?" Ruby & Blake say before the lights came on and revealed ceiling turrets, laser cannons, a pit of acidic lava, an angel with a shotgun, an assassin with a hidden blade, landmines, a bear trap and a broom closet that leads to an alternate dimension for some reason. Oh, and Noire was aiming a SAW fro, Halo 4 at both of them, "Oh… those traps, huh." There was a silence as Ruby & Blake processed how screwed they were,

"So… running?" Ruby asked,

"Of the fast kind." Blake added,

" _Right now._ " Noire finished off as all the traps set off. After narrowly escaping a lot of pain (they couldn't die but it still hurts), they quickly escaped Noire's dream, threw themselves out the door and quickly slammed the door shut. They kept pushing against the door for a few more seconds, making sure all of Noire's traps were still in the room, before they sighed and slid down to the pitch black floor. They breathed heavily as they contemplated what they were going to do next,

"S-So," Blake said when she finally caught her breath, "Plan B?"

"Plan B." Ruby answered as she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the door, "So… what did Noire write?"

"It's rated M, mature audiences only."

"I'm mature!" Ruby exclaimed childishly as she puffed out her cheeks. Blake couldn't help but laugh at the expression Ruby was making,

"Only eighteen and over can read it."

"You're 17!"

"Meh, close enough." Ruby grumbled as she got comfortable. It was going to be a long day tomorrow.

(NEXT DAY!)

Back in the land of reality, Ruby woke up smiling. No perversion in the smile. No ulterior motives. No mischievous plans to grope the others in their sleep. No, it was a pure, honest-to-God smile. Why is she smiling, you may ask?

It was time to finish it.

To finish the last episodes that finally ends the Blood Gulch Chronicles. It was an exciting day for her, wondering what the next few seasons would have in stall for her. She could barely sleep that night as she was too busy wondering what was going to happen next and how the season would end. After she did a few stretches, she jumped out of bed, reminded herself to take a shower, ate a nice, healthy, diabetes-inducing breakfast, brushed her teeth, took the shower she reminded herself to do an hour ago, changed clothes and set up the TV for the final 5 episodes of the Blood Gulch Chronicles. All she needed was her friends awake, and she knew just how to do it,

"Is that an airship outside?"

"WHERE!?" Weiss & Yang exclaimed as they looked out the window. The noise caused by the two caused Noire to stir and eventually awaken. When they saw that there were no airships, they glared at their Team Leader, "Ruby…" They growled,

"Sorry, but it's better for your ears." Ruby said as she pulled out a bullhorn, "You don't want me to pull this out, do you?" The two girls sighed as they rubbed their eyes and checked the time,

"It's 2am Ruby." Weiss mumbled, still a bit sleepy. It took her a few seconds to realize what time it was, "IT'S 2AM RUBY!"

' _Call back, anyone?_ ' Noire thought before she spoke up, "Well _, we're awake and there's no point going back to sleep. Let's get changed and get ready for the last few episodes of the episode_." The others sighed before nodding and getting ready. A few minutes later, it was time for the finale,

"So, is everybody ready for the Season Finale of the Blood Gulch Chronicles!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"Hurry up Ruby!" Weiss said as she leaned in, wanting to know why Tex was threatening Church,

" _Well, as ready as we'll ever be._ " Noire muttered while letting Blake see the episodes. It was her last day in her body and she may as well give the girl a break,

"Start it up!" Yang yelled out as she grabbed a bowl of popcorn,

"Alright girls!" Ruby declared, "It's time to end it all! Let's finish the last five episodes of the Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 5 and the Chronicles itself!" Ruby then threw the remote in the air and pressed play.

**(The Wrong Crowd)**

_Fade in on the underground cave_

**Sarge** : And then Donut will use all our grenades to bombard the base, while we move forward in an advanced cover-fire formation.

"There's no one in the goddamn base! You're wasting resources!" Yang exclaimed, "Anyway, you'll ruin the base anyway."

'Did Yang just say 'Anyway' twice?' Blake asked to herself.

 **Grif** : Got it. And nobody hurts Sister. That's my job.

"And what a great job you're doing…" Weiss muttered as she rolled her eyes, remembering that Church sent Sister with Doc & Junior into the caves, hoping they would die somehow.

 **Simmons** : Why does Donut get to stay on the sidelines?

 **Sarge** : Because, he's got a great arm. Heh, he coulda gone pro.

 **Donut** : It comes from years of tossing.

" _Those must be lllllooooooonnnnngggggg training sessions, huh_?  _He must've been tired & sweaty after all that tossing_." Noire said as Weiss & Yang blushed and Ruby giggled.

 **Sarge** : And as discussed, in the event that we are cornered and no other options exist, Donut will make sure to save at least four grenades, one for each of you. And two for Grif.

 **Donut** : Anyone have a preference of Frag or Sticky? Tell me now, I don't want any complaining later on.

"Frag." (Weiss)

"Frag." (Yang)

"Sticky." (Ruby)

'Frag.' (Blake)

"Sticky." (Noire)

'Of course they would…' Blake muttered to herself as everyone looked at each other.

 **Simmons** : Frag, no wait Sticky.

 **Grif** : Surprise me.

"Sticky it is then." Weiss said, figuring that Sarge would want Grif to have the least chance of survival.

 **Simmons** : I'm gonna change back to Frag.

 **Donut** : Hey Sarge, have you thought about calling for reinforcements? Like when we called for the ship.

 **Grif** : You mean the ship that crushed you while bringing more Blue soldiers? Yeah maybe we shouldn't do that.

"Nice suggestion there, Grif." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : It's worth a shot. They owe us one now.

" _They owe you a lot, Sarge_." Noire muttered.

_Radio sounds, and as Sarge speaks there's an echo in the cave_

**Sarge** : Come in Command. Are you there? Vic, are you there? Come in! Is this thing on?

 **Simmons** : Does anybody hear that echo?

 **Donut** : Yeah, we're in a cave Simmons. Caves echo. Duh. That's how bats navigate.

'No, there's something more to that.' Blake said, 'Like it's coming from somewhere near-by.'

 **Simmons** : No, it seems like it's coming from back the way we came.

 **Grif** : Did you say bats, what bats? Were you talking about bats?

"Paranoia at its finest, people." Ruby said.

 **Donut** : Um, just, bats in general.

 **Grif** : Don't bullshit me dude, I heard bats.

 **Vic** : Hehehey, rojo amigo. What's goin' awn?

 **Sarge** : Vic, we need help! The Blues have executed a brilliant plan,

"That was jump started by the man you're talking to." Weiss pointed out.

 **Sarge:** And it looks like we've fallen for it perfectly.

"All because of your & Simmons' obsessions." Yang added.

 **Sarge:** No doubt they're celebrating at our very own base as we speak.

_Cut to Red Base, where Tex is celebrating by threatening Church's life. She's so cheerful_

" _That's one hell of a gun party._ " Noire said.

 **Tex** : Don't move.

 **Tucker** : Ooh, busted! Kill him Tex, I've got fifty-to-one odds if his next death is caused by anyone but Caboose.

"That's horrible!" Ruby exclaimed, "Trying to make money off of your friend's life like that. That's just sick, right Weiss…. Weiss?"

"Huh, oh, yeah sure, whatever you say." Weiss said as she finished a drawing on a large piece of cardboard. She flipped it around and showed the girls, "Alright, here's the pool on whenever Penny's a cyborg, an android or is completely organic. 50 to 1 odds on that last one."

"Why am I not surprised?" Yang muttered as she shook her head while taking out her wallet, "Put 30 Lien on android!" What? She may as well since she was running low on funds,

' _Thank you Rt fan for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

_Back to Sarge_

**Sarge** : We're going to die if we don't get some help over here Vic.

 **Vic** : Uh hey dude it's Vic Junior. We already covered that.

"Shut up Vic! I don't know if you've been cryogenically frozen or have a sperm bank but I do know is that you lie!" Weiss exclaimed, "Tell the truth!"

 **Sarge** : Hrr, Vic Junior. We're going to die if we don't get some help over here.

 **Vic** : Okay dude, calm down, take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill take one of those chill strips, you put it on your tongue it dissolves, chill. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll- oh, no oh man, I gotta go bye, try to win.

 **Sarge** : Hello? I don't hear any hold music. Please don't transfer me to India. Hello?

"Vic is really trying to get them killed, isn't he?" Ruby muttered.

_Cut to another part of the cave, with Sarge's words echoing in it_

**Sarge** : Vic Junior. We're going to die if we don't get some help over here.

 **Vic** : Okay dude, calm down, take a chill pill. If you don't have a chill pill take one of those chill strips, you put it on your tongue it dissolves, chill. I'll try to help, but someone's been here monkeying with my equipment. Just give me a second and I'll-

 **Simmons** : Hello? Hello. Who's there?

'Busted~' Blake thought.

 **Vic** : Oh, no oh man, I gotta go bye, try to win.

"Wait, what? What the hell just happened?" Yang asked in shock,

" _Well, if I'm watching this right, it appears to imply that Vic is a computer and never existed to begin with._ " Noire replied,

"Wait, that doesn't make any sense. If he's a computer and he built the computer down there, then why in hell is he spying on everybody and giving them orders?!"

"Hmm…" Weiss hummed, "Looks like one of the things we thought was just Church messing with the timeline is actually true. There is a conspiracy going on with the Reds & Blues, but the question is for what reason?"

"Well, whatever it is, I hope they save it for something like next season. Things are already heating up as it is, even without a conspiracy mixed in." Ruby said as she resumed the episode.

 **Simmons** : Who's talking down here? Hello?

 **Sarge** : Oh, yes I'm still here Vic. We need help!

"Sorry Sarge, but it's not the possibly treacherous A.I but your kiss ass of a lieutenant." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Simmons, is that you?

 **Simmons** : Yyyes?

 **Sarge** : What the- do you work at Command now? When were you promoted?

"He didn't and he doesn't." Weiss said, "Though technically he is working very near it."

' _Thank you snake screamer! You're a big help!_ ' Noire thought with a smile.

 **Simmons** : I don't work at Command, you called me here. It looks like this monitoring equipment is interfering with our radios. Or something.

 **Sarge** : Diabolical. Well get yer keester back here. Red Command is useless.

"Smartest thing Sarge has said all season." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif** : There's a newsflash.

 **Sarge** : Shut up Grif.

 **Grif** : Did that order come from Command?

 **Sarge** : In fact it did. And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!

_On the screen Simmons is watching, Sarge runs across and beats on Grif_

" _Okay, I have to admit that was a smart play on Sarge. Abusing the fact that Command is useless and making his own orders._ " Noire admitted,

'You know what? I agree.' Blake admitted too.

 **Simmons** : I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.

"Well, the term 'donated' can be used loosely in that situation." Weiss said.

_The screen changes to Red Base, which we slickly switch to_

**Church** : Tex I am not O'Malley.

 **Tex** : Bullshit. It all makes sense now. You were the one that told Gary where we were, you were the one that wanted me to disable Sheila by moving her to the ship, and you wanted the ignition coil once I'd removed it.

"It just a coincidence Tex." Weiss informed, "It doesn't make him evil, just a very bad leader."

 **Church** : That's all coincidental. It doesn't make me evil. Just makes me a bad leader.

"Why? Just why?" Weiss muttered as she face palmed.

 **Tex** : Why would Caboose tell me it was you?

 **Church** : You're getting information from Caboose.

"A better question is why are you believing anything Caboose says?" Yang asked rhetorically,

' _Thank you asnalpha for the joke. Sometimes it's the little things that count._ ' Noire thought.

 **Caboose** : ( _over the radio_ ) Thaaat's right.

 **Church** : Dude, I'll tell you what. If you get me killed again, I gotta tell ya, this time I'm gonna be a little pissed.

"Well,  _maybe_ a little more than just pissed." Yang muttered.

 **Caboose** : Sheila told me that O'Malley might be inside Blue Leader.

 **Tex** : And that's you.

'Not really…' Blake whispered to herself as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Church** : Sheila's crazy, remember? Besides I was never officially promoted to Blue Leader anyway. That's... Oh no.

"Oh no…" Noire said slowly as she realized what Church meant.

_Cut to Doc and Sister back in their cave_

**Doc** : So that's how you got here Lopez? What a strange, yet totally believable story.

 **Lopez** : Who's that guy?

_The camera pans left to reveal someone in blue with a teal alien_

"Holy shit! Another alien!" Yang exclaimed, "Wait, what's with the random guy in blue?" She asked,

" _He's not a random guy. We know him._ " Noire answered, " _Quite fondly in fact._ "

"We do? When? How?" Weiss asked. Noire just pointed at the TV.

 **Blue Solider** : Hi there. I don't think we've met. I'm Captain Butch Flowers. And this, is my friend.

"WHAT!?" Weiss, Yang & Ruby shouted in shock as Noire instinctively covered both of her sets of ears as best as she could,

" _While I'm angry, I'm at least glad Iron-Mantis allowed me to be aware of what was happening next to partially save my ear drums._ " Noire muttered,

"What did she say!?" Ruby asked, shaking her head to get rid of some of the ringing in her ears,

"I don't know!" Yang replied while clearing her ear canals. After a few minutes, they continued the episode.

 **Sister** : Hi nice to meet you! Hey, wait, wasn't I sent here to replace you?

 **Junior** : Honnnk?

 **Omega Flowers** : Hey there little guy. I've been waiting a very, very long time to meet you. Muhuhuhuha, muhohohoho, muahahahahaaa.

"Now that's kinda fucked up." Weiss muttered, "Reviving a dead man to do your bidding."

"Isn't that what zombies are half the time?" Ruby asked,

" _Well, it's sometimes caused by some guy who wants power or the government…_ " Noire added.

"Okay, I know where this is going so before we spend an entire hour talking about zombies, can we please get on with the show?" The girls looked a bit sheepish when Weiss said as Ruby handed her the remote, "Thank you, now for shit to go down." She then pressed play.

**(Uncommunicado)**

_Fade in on the Blue standoff at Red Base_

**Church** : I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you, it's Flowers.

 **Tucker** : Liar, Flowers is dead.

"Hey, anything can happen in the RvB Universe." Weiss said, "From ghosts to time travel, nothing is safe."

 **Church** : Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker? Where did they go? I certainly didn't sneak over here and scare them off in my spare time, when I wasn't dealing with you and Tex, and that new yellow freak, and that stupid disgusting kid o' yours.

" _SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PIECE OF ASSHOLE LOVING SHIT!_ " Noire shouted,

"Don't you liked anal?" Ruby asked, causing Blake to groan in her mindscape,

" _THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!_ "

 **Tucker** : Okay, okay. Man, I hope if Flowers is alive that he doesn't want his armor back.

"Graverobber." The girls mumbled angrily.

 **Tucker:** Hey, what's up with the Reds?

 **Tex** : Where are they?

 **Church** : Who knows. Maybe it's lunch time. Maybe the Red army doesn't pay overtime and they all just went home.

"I don't think soldiers get paid overtime, with all the dying, shooting and all." Ruby said, "I think they get paid a lot though."

 **Tex** : All their stuff is here. I don't think they evacuated.

 **Tucker** : What do you think Tex?

 **Tex** : I think we may have walked right in to a-

 **Wyoming** : A trap?

"Fucking Wyoming!" The girls growled out.

 **Tex** : Wyoming.

 **Church** : Okay see? Now, if I was O'Malley, I would've known that was gonna happen.

"No a good time to point out the obvious Church! You got a lot of things to worry about right now, like not dying again!" Yang said.

_Cut to an anonymous cave_

**Grif** : Shouldn't we rethink this plan?

 **Sarge** : Why?

 **Grif** : Well, now that Simmons has cut us off from Command, we're attacking the enemy base with no support.

'Like there was any support to begin with.' Blake muttered,

'Blake, what are you doing?' Ruby asked as she came back from looking around,

'Nothing, Noire just let me watch the last of Season 5.'

'Cool. Popcorn?' Blake shrugged and grabbed a hand-full.

 **Simmons** : I didn't cut us off from Command.

 **Grif** : You interrupted the radio transmission!

 **Simmons** : No I didn't. Whoever Sarge was talking with was already down in that cave. I just walked up and started talking to Sarge in the middle of it.

" _Uh… that's called 'interrupting'_." Noire pointed out in a flat tone.

 **Grif** : What the fuck do you think interrupting means?

 **Sarge** : Can it, you two.

 **Andy** : Yeah, you're givin' me a headache.

"Looks like Andy has outlived his usefulness to the Aliens, huh?" Weiss said, "Let's see how long it takes for them to realize to never leave a bomb alone and in Red hands."

 **Simmons** : Andy, is that you?

 **Andy** : No, I'm the other talkin' bomb. Francis. Pleased ta meet ya, ya dickhead.

"Nice to meet ya too, jackass." Yang greeted with a sweet smile.

 **Simmons** : I thought you were busy helping the enemy.

 **Andy** : Nah, they didn't need me anymore. Apparently that revived guy learned enough alien language to get by. And then it was "what have you done for me lately?"

"One, Flowers knows Blarghian? And two, not blow any of you up." Ruby pointed out.

 **Grif** : Hey, what was that deal they were talking about when I was all drugged out?

 **Donut** : Grif, I'm prouda you. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

 **Grif** (& WYRN): Fuck off, Donut.

"Enough with the drugs already!" Weiss called out.

 **Donut** : Baby steps Grif.

 **Andy** : That new alien is here to find the old one, and he revived the blue guy to help him. But then somethin' happened to him. I don't know what; started actin' all, funky.

" _So when Flowers was revived O'Malley infected him and judging by when O'Malley left Doc it's likely that he detected the life signature and jumped into him as soon as possible since Flowers is the wisest & highest rank out of the entire canyon_." Noire guessed correctly.

 **Simmons** : The alien revived him.

 **Andy** : Yeah. They don't treat life and death the same way we do.

"What? With happiness and apathy?" Yang asked,

"I'm surprised you know the word." Weiss admitted,

"I'm not that dumb!" Yang shouted at the Heiress,

" _Keep telling yourself that, Sister._ " Everyone else said as they rolled their eyes. She smirked when she heard Blake giggle in her mind,

"I'M NOT SISTER!"

 **Andy:** Fact that little guy that everyone thinks-

 **Sarge** : We don't have time for this. Let's go, men.

 **Andy** : Wait, take me with you!

"How? No one can carry you." Weiss pointed out, "It'll probably take the whole team to carry the thing and it'll slow them down."

 **Sarge** : Andy, we're going into battle unmanned, low on ammo, and with no support. What use could we possibly have for a bomb?

"…I-Is-Is he, just wow…" Ruby said, not believing Sarge's words, "Just freaking wow…"

 **Andy** : I could always act as a lookout...

"Useful…" Yang muttered.

 **Andy:** Or a spy...

" _Not as useful…"_ Noire muttered.

 **Andy:** Or a chef?

"Completely useless…" Weiss muttered.

 **Andy:** Or you know, you could always, use me as a bomb...

"And right on the money!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Andy:** Oh, hey Lopez.

 **Lopez** : Up yours.

_Cut back to the Blues and the British Freelancer_

**Tex** : Wyoming.

 **Wyoming** : Ah yes, hello Tex. So sorry to sneak up on you when you were busy quarrelling about, well whatever it is exactly you people do here. I'm guessing some kind of ditch digging or something.

"Nah, it's trying to kill each other and betting on each other's lives more than anything else." Yang said.

 **Tucker** : Blue Team doesn't even have shovels. Which kinda sucks because our guys are the ones who keep dying.

"Command or whatever they are should've at least given them a shovel by now." Yang noted, "But I guess a computer can't order a shovel by themselves unless it have the money."

 **Wyoming** : And it looks like that trend is going to continue.

" _Well, mostly to Church_." Noire said.

 **Church** : Oh what, y-yer here for Tex? Because if you are she's right there. All yours buddy. Go for it.

 **Tucker** : Yeah. Ladies first!

"You  _betraying_ assholes." Blake & Noire growled as they glared at the two Blues.

 **Wyoming** : Not at all. I'm here for your little friend. He's very important to a lot of people.

_Church speaks over radio sounds_

**Church** : Ahuh-huh-huh excuse me.

"You sneaky bastard though." Yang said with a smirk, impressed that Church was able to cover up using his radio in front of the Freelancers.

_Cut to Caboose inside Sheila, with all that entails_

**Caboose** : Now that Church is possessed by O'Malley and is evil, do you think we'll have to kick him off the team? Then it would be just me and my sidekick Tucker. That's not a lot o' people on the team... Also I don't like Tucker. Oh, I know: maybe we could convince one of the Reds to switch sides! Then we can give them Tucker. That would fix both problems!

"You still have the A.I that wants to kill everyone though." Ruby pointed out, "And that's bad."

" _Well, when you're Caboose you don't particularly care_." Noire responded.

_The phone starts ringing_

**Sheila** : I don't know, that doesn't seem like it would work.

 **Caboose** : Oh, Church is calling me. Prob'ly to ask me to be his new best friend. Or to infect me with a horrible computer virus. Excuse me for a minute Sheila. I have to take this.

"Not even going to try." Weiss said as she shook her head.

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

_Caboose clicks on the radio_

**Caboose** : Yes! Hello evil Church. What can I do for ya?

"Oh, let me tell you…" Yang started off before getting her mouth covered by Weiss.

 **Church** : So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us.

 **Caboose** : Uh, my name is Caboooose...

"Oh, this is not going to end well." Ruby muttered as she shook her head,

" _Really? You're asking someone who talks to vehicles, formed a one-sided relationship with a tank, has a small grasp on reality and thinks someone who talks a lot of shit and hates his guts is his best friend, to help you and think he's coming to rescue you? I think you put too much faith in the little idiot, Church._ " Noire commented, ' _Thank you aznaplha for another joke._ '

 **Church** : And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble.

 **Caboose** : Uh that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number.

"There are only 3 possible numbers he could call: Tucker, Caboose & Command." Yang said before she sighed, "Like he knows that…"

 **Church** : Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming.

 **Caboose** : Ah Red Base no, uh, I'm in the ship. The shiiiip. Sheila, I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, uhm, he's talking nonsense.

"You talk nonsense most of the time Caboose." Weiss pointed out, "But that what makes to show a whole lot more enjoyable."

 **Church** : If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone for instance, in blue armor. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about, and tried to fucking help us, and then we would be saved.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, he's definitely crazy.

"Why do we even bother…" Ruby muttered before gasping at what she saw on the screen.

_The tank drives off in the background_

**Caboose** : Hey Sheila, where's the tank part of you going?

'This might go bad…' Blake said as she watched the tank closely.

_Cut back to Red Base, with Wyoming holding everyone hostage somehow_

**Wyoming** : Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, what are you, the narrator now or something?

"Yeah, that whole thing about subtly telling your teammate about danger while in front of enemies only works in the movies." Yang admitted, regretting the mistake she made after getting busted during a stealth mission.

 **Church** : I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming, ambushing us, at the Red base.

 **Tucker** : We know.

 **Church** : Wyoming. The bad guy.

 **Tucker** : We know!

"Caboose isn't coming Church, let it go!" Weiss shouted before groaning, 'I just had to say 'Let It Go'…'

 **Church** : And we're here at the Red base. Which isn't the Blue base. Or the caves, or the cliffs, or that weird tree, or the windmill.

" _We get it dude, they're standing right there!"_ Noire exclaimed.

 **Tucker** : We get it dude, we're standing right here.

"Oh dear God." Weiss groaned, 'Please God, let me survive this summer. Please?'

 **Church** : Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you wanna write this down?

 **Tucker** : No!

 **Wyoming** : I think your friend here has lost his marbles.

"Nope, he lost his marbles when he died." Yang said, "I guess they're still on his armour that they buried."

 **Tucker** : Oh, you wanna see crazy, wait until you try to take my fucking kid. What do you want with him, anyway? He never did anything to you.

" _YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING THE LITTLE GUY, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE SWEENY TODD AND BAKE YOU INTO A PIE! WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND ICING SUGAR!_ " Noire yelled out before Yang pulled her into a hug and shushed her,

"Easy Noire, it's okay. Maybe you'll get reborn as Blake's child and get to be a mother or get yourself another body. Just stay calm." Yang whispered as she stroked Noire's hair, "It's alright."

" _I'm still thinking about being the mother of your children._ " Noire said as she snuggled in Yang's arms, causing her to stop stroking her hair and widen her eyes,

'Don't you even dare Noire!' Blake growled, 'We're too young!'

"No Noire! Bad kitty!" Weiss said as she sprayed Noire with a healthy dose of water,

'Really!? Weiss should know that doesn't work!' Blake exclaimed, 'We're losing our minds…'

"Sorry Noire, but you're not my type." Yang said as she slowly pushed her away, "Or my gender. Or in the right body, seriously, when are you going to go back to being a spirit and not using my friend's body?"

" _Meh, later_." Noire answered.

 **Wyoming** : It's not what he did, it's what he's going to do. That child is very special.

" _Our child will be very special…_ " Noire mumbled while in dreamland, " _Wait, what?_ " ' _Uh… I guess thank you Autistic-Grizzly for the joke._ '

 **Tucker** : Yeah, I know. I guess I should have read to him more, or something.

 **Wyoming** : Not that kind of special, you half-wit. I mean he's important.

 **Church** : Red Base. No one is in the State of Wyoming!

"LET IT GO ALREADY!" WYRN yelled out.

_Cut to the Reds mustering in the Gulch_

**Sarge** : There's the base.

 **Simmons** : It looks like they're in trouble. Is that that bounty hunter guy? That guy's a dick.

"At least he's bigger than you in more places than one." Ruby said,

"BURNED!" Yang yelled out, "But still, the guy's a big dick."

 **Sarge** : Hah! The Blues have overextended themselves and spread their forces too thin! Classic blunder. Change of plans, men. Instead of hitting Blue Base, we're going to take back our own base!

"You don't want Grif's Oreos to be crushed, do you?" Weiss asked rhetorically.

_The tank rolls by toward Red Base_

**Grif** : Tank!

 **Simmons** : Oh shit!

 **Sarge** : Rechange of plans, men!

"Yeah, it's called Operation: RUN THE FUCK AWAY!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Grif** : Fuck this!

 **Sarge** : Blue Base it is.

"Yes! YES! DESTROY WYOMING SHELIA! DESTROY HIM AND HIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SOUL!" Yang exclaimed as she started to laugh evilly, "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DESTROY THAT FUCKER! THANK YOU SHEILA!"

"Uh… Yang? Shelia is in the ship, not the tank anymore." Weiss reminded her, "And like hell she can control it from the ship. It could be ready to kill the Blues instead." She predicted, "The question is who."

' _Thank you aznalpha._ ' Noire thought.

_The Reds run towards Blue base. Cut to Red base._

**Wyoming** : That little alien of yours has a very important destiny to fulfill. And we're going to make sure he does it.

"'We'? You and what-fucking-army? Gary? You need him to run your teleportation equipment or else you're screwed!" Ruby pointed out, "Wait, how can Tex use her equipment when she doesn't have an A.I?"

"Maybe there's some equipment that don't need A.I." Weiss guessed.

 **Tucker** : Well he's not here, so guess what. You're shit outta luck.

 **Wyoming** : I'm well aware; my partner's taking care of that little acquisition right now. I'm just here to tidy up a bit.

" _So_   _Wyoming is only taking them hostage so they wouldn't interfere with O'Malley's plan_." Noire muttered, " _And they know the Reds won't help so from the ways things look right now, O'Malley has nothing stopping him from taking over the world._ "

"For the worst villain ever, he is one effective asshole." Yang said,

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ " Noire quickly said, ' _Wow, 6,000 words in and no Bow Chicka Bow Wows. I need to watch out for more opportunities._ ' She thought.

 **Tucker** : How'd you sneak up on us anyway? Tex, I thought you were s'posed to be good at this stealth stuff.

 **Tex** : I am.

_Tex turns invisible_

**Tucker** : Wow, that's awesome. Good for you.

"Now go kick some ass and kill O'Malley already." Weiss said, "You have a universe to save!"

"Never thought I'd hear that during an episode." Ruby admitted.

 **Wyoming** : Oh no, Tex has gone invisible. Whatever shall I do? Fretting, worry.

"Oh, don't be such a dick about it." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Dude I wouldn't sound so smug. She kicked your ass last time and you weren't outnumbered like ya are now.

_The tank rolls up to Red Base_

**Church** : Haha yeah! Hey it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How ya like that, Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Boo ya, mother fucker!

"Not your tank, someone else's." Weiss said.

 **Wyoming** : Ho ho ho ho ho, your tank? Hu hu hu hu hu...

 **Gary** : Knock knock, Church.

" _Gamma's, to be specific_." Noire finished, " _Things are not looking good for the Blues._ "

 **Church** : Oh shit.

"Oh shit indeed." Yang muttered, sad that the tank was now in the hands of the bad guys.

 **Church:** …Why is it that something dramatic seems to happen exactly every five minutes? I mean, I can't possibly be the only one out here noticing this trend.

 **Gary** : Firing main cannon.

" _Lampshading much?_ " Noire muttered as she picked up the remote, ' _Two more episodes until I complete my plan._ ' " _So, shall we continue?_ "

"Hold on Noire." Weiss said as she held her hand up, "You know what I just realized?" She then turned her gaze to Ruby, "If it wasn't for you finding those Red vs Blue DVDs in your basement we probably wouln't be stuck here, slowly going insane and all this crazy shit happening to us wouldn't have happened in the first place! You're as much to be blamed for all of this as the rest of us!" She then turned her gaze away from the girl, "…But mostly Yang."

"Hey! I didn't do anything to get us trapped here!" Ruby exclaimed, "Sure, I do admit it's my fault for finding the DVDs but I didn't do anything to get us trapped! And neither has you, Blake, Noire and Yang! Right guys?"

" _Right, Ruby-chan._ " Noire responded as she nodded. Blake nodded as well,

"Yeah, right… we're all innocent…" Yang said a bit more weakly compared to Noire's response, 'Oh crap… I forgot, didn't I?' Yang thought as she felt the pocket in her jacket containing the time when they were supposed to leave for the summer. She quickly pulled it out and burned it without anyone noticing. Well, as far as she knew, "We weren't responsible for anything! Why do you blame us Weiss? Why? Blame the school! Because we didn't do anything to deserve this whatsoever and we should blame the people who left us here and not the victims of their carelessness! And even if by the off chance that it  _is_ one of us, we should forgive and forget, the past is the past and it only makes us human and humans make mistakes everyday and we should thank God we're safe, healthy and totally won't kill anyone in this room right now!" Yang then laughed a little nervously as the other girls just stared at the blonde, wondering what the hell she was saying,

"Okay…" Ruby said, wondering if her sis was going insane, "Um… Noire-chan? Anything else you want to add?"

" _Well, of course if Ruby-chan never found the DVDs then we wouldn't be having this crossover story in the first place with all these stu-I mean awesome fans liking this story for some reason and I wouldn't even be born from the writer's boredom and we wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place. Everything exists for a reason, Weiss._ "

"Yeah, like she said, everything exists for a reason Weiss." Ruby said while smirking, right before realizing what Noire just said, as well as the other girls, "You say what now?"

" _U-Uh, I mean… uh… help me Uknown._ "

"Who the fucking hell is Ukn-"

(Rewind!)

"Okay…" Ruby said, wondering if her sis was going insane, "Um, Noire-chan? Anything else you want to add?"

" _No, Ruby-chan. I have nothing else to add._ " ' _Sorry artark but there are some jokes that cannot interfere with the world._ ' Noire thought before taking in a deep breath and pressing play.

**(Same Old, Same Old)**

_Fade in to Caboose listening to Church from inside Sheila._

**Church** : Haha yeah! Hay it worked! I can't believe Caboose came through! How ya like that Wyoming? We even have our tank now. Booya mother fu-

 **Caboose** : Sheila, um did you send the tank out there to, help them?

"That would be a big fat 'No', my idiot of a friend." Weiss answered.

 **Sheila** : Negative.

 **Caboose** : Oh, so the tank went out there, on its own.

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

"Hell, even Caboose doesn't believe what he just saw!" Yang exclaimed, "And it's freaking Caboose!"

 **Caboose** : Sheila, I think they might be in trouble.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Ruby said as she half-heartedly saluted.

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

 **Caboose** : I, should help them!

" _Yeah, you go do that_." Noire said before leaning into Ruby's ear, " _10 Lien he's going to shoot Church first._ "

"20 if he kills Tex & Church." Ruby whispered back,

" _Deal._ "

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

 **Caboose** : I could go out there-

 **Sheila** : Negative.

 **Caboose** : And help them beat Wyoming-

 **Sheila** : Negative.

"Oh, he is  _so_ gonna die." Yang muttered as she shook her head.

 **Caboose** : And save the day-

 **Sheila** : Nope.

"Caboose, I know most of your plans might kill others but you're definitely going to die if you even get near Red Base." Weiss said, worried for the Idiot Blue, "And I don't think there are anymore robots to possess."

 **Caboose** : And everyone will love me!

 **Sheila** : What?

" _People do love you_." Noire said, " _Just really, **really**  deep down._"

 **Caboose** : Especially Church!

 **Sheila** : My sensors indicate you don't stand a chance.

"How much of a chance does Caboose really have?" Ruby asked. Blake pulled out a calculator out of nowhere and started punching in numbers,

'Times the number of times he's team killed and divided by his possible I.Q…' Blake muttered to herself, 'Got it. 0.0000000000001%.' She then made the calculator disappear into thin air, "Yeah, he's not gonna make it.'

 **Caboose** : Thanks Sheila! This is a great plan!

_Cut to the standoff at Red Base_

**Wyoming** : You know I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank completely unattended. It was very kind of you old chap. Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier.

"Okay, that was a  _really_  bad move on their part, but I guess they had no choice." Yang muttered,

" _They could've at least kept Sister & Doc at the Base just in case._" Noire pointed out, " _Then again, they probably wouldn't notice._ "

 **Church** : Yeah? Well, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo.

"It's a wonder we're still alive today…" Weiss muttered to herself, wondering how long it would take until they would start actively trying to kill each other.

 **Wyoming** : If it makes you feel any better your death is for a very noble cause.

"'Noble'!? You're trying to kidnap a child!" Ruby exclaimed, "A very uh… special child born under very specific circumstances but a child never the less!"

 **Church** : What do you want with Tucker's kid anyway?

 **Tucker** : What? How did we get here?

"Uh… does he have short term memory loss or something?" Yang asked,

"Maybe it's the stress of the situation." Weiss guessed.

 **Church** : Tucker.

 **Tucker** : What!?

 **Church** : What's wrong with you?

 **Tucker** : With me? What's happening?

 **Church** : Um... we're being held prisoner? Where the hell have you been?

" _Either in his head thinking dirty thoughts or somewhere else_." Noire said as she narrowed her eyes, ' _Something's up…_ '

 **Tucker** : What? How? I'm so confused.

 **Church** : What do you mean how? Are you retarded?

 **Tucker** : But Tex! She-

 **Church** : No. Tex will take him out.

"Dammit Church! You blew her cover!" Weiss exclaimed,

"But Tex is invisible, Wyoming doesn't know where she is." Ruby pointed out.

 **Wyoming** : Oh right, Tex. You mean, her?

_As Wyoming says "her" he lunges forward and punches the invisible Tex, knocking her down and out_

"Holy shit!" The girls exclaimed,

'How did he know?' Blake thought. Was it because she set off Wyoming's motion tracker? No, that would be a rookie mistake she knew Tex wouldn't make. Could it be the shimmer from the invisibility enhancement? There has to be a logical reason how Wyoming knew,

"Looks like she got her  _Tex-ASS_ kicked!" Yang punned. Suddenly, she ducked under an apple thrown by Ruby, "Sis, what's wrong? Your face is all  _Rosey_." She didn't blink when she tilted her head to avoid a watermelon, "Aw… why did you throw that? I thought you like  _melons_." She quickly caught the orange thrown at her face, "Geez Ruby, get a  _Grif_." She then proceeds to point at the orange with a cheerful smile on her face,

"God dammit Yang! Stop it!" Ruby ordered. Yang's grin became a frown as she quickly crushed the orange with her bare hands,

"Fuck that noise!" Yang shouted, "I've had it with you and little miss 'Pussy Galore' over there making all sorts of stupid fucking sex jokes and not even getting punished while I always get crap thrown at me for making puns or insulting some crappy made-up place called 'Americanda' or some fucking shit!" She then proceeded to roundhouse kick a rock from 'RT' back out the window and headbutt another rock from 'U & H' and destroying it while burning the note, which was blank, "So know what!? It's time for you to  _punic_ , because I feel a  _pundemic_ is about to start!"

"No!" Ruby exclaimed in horror before she used the Fruit Cannon to fire a tomato at Yang. The  _Punning_  Blonde quickly activated Ember Cecilia and  _pun_ ched it into smithereens,

"You know, I think Caboose get's up early on Sunday mornings for  _Church_." The grapes proceeded to feel Yang's wrath as she destroyed them as well, "I always thought it took too long to finish Jaune's  _Arc_." Yang quickly dodge rolls out of the way of a rock melon, "Ney Noire, do you always like all things that are  _Long_?"

" _One, Bow Chicka Bow Wow. Two, FUCK YOU YANG!_ " Noire yelled as she threw a cu _cum_ ber, which Yang caught and snapped in half,

"That's the exact thing I did to Roman's  _Torchwick_." Yang punned again with a dashing smile, "Man, this is so much  _pun_."

"Yang, stop acting like you're younger than Ruby and let's watch the show." Weiss said, annoyed by Yang's immaturity,

"You know, Weiss, I've been meaning to tell you that skirt is kinda too short, you might end up getting a cold and  _Schneezing_ all day." Yang punned once again. Weiss quickly took a lemon out of Ruby's basket and threw it at Yang, only for it to join fate with the tomato, "Oh, you don't have to be  _sour_ about it, because I have a million of them, and you'll hear every single one!"

(Two pun/fruit & vegetable-filled hours later)

"I wonder if Donut does or  _Donut_ like guys!" Yang quickly punched a pineapple into oblivion, "I hope Doc doesn't get  _DuFresne_ for murder!" She sidesteps away from a thrown banana, "I'm sure Nora enjoyed her  _Ride of the Valkyrie_ on that Ursa!" Yang does a handstand and kicks a mango out the window, made more of holes than glass, "I'm sure she wouldn't  _Lie Ren_ we met in the forest!"

"Mother of God, she's still going!" Weiss exclaimed in a panicked tone as she reached for more fruit, only to find out that there was none, "And we've run out of stuff to throw!" She was about to ask the others to get more when she saw the state of the girls. Ruby was in her chair in a fetal position, rocking back and forth and Noire banging her head on the table,

"Make her stop. Make her stop. Somebody please make her stop." Ruby chanted, sounding close to breaking down,

' _Why? Why did you make her puns fucking canon in Volume 2_?' Noire thought as she slammed her head even harder, ' _Oh, and to aceman88, FUCK! YOU!_ ' And with that thought, she proceeded to break the table in half, causing Yang to stop punning for a second,

"Well," Yang said as she stared at the broken table, "I guess we've found a  _breakthrough_ in our relationship." The girls looked up and gave a look to each other, telling each other it was time,

"Yang…" They said in unison as they looked at the blonde and stood up, "We are not sorry."

 **Ruby, Weiss & Noire: **And I'm like:

"Baby, baby, baby, OH!"

"Okay! I'll stop!" Yang quickly interrupted her anti-song, "I'll stop making puns! For now at least." The other girls looked at each other,

"Meh, close enough." Weiss said as everyone went back to their seats and resumed the episode.

 **Wyoming** : Poor Tex. Never could figure out when she'd been beaten.

 **Church** : What? How did you know where she was?

 **Tucker** : What do you mean, that's where she was before.

"Okay, what is Tucker talking about?" Ruby asked, but didn't get an answer.

 **Church** : Before what? Tucker, have you gone insane?

 **Wyoming** : Wait a minute, what's going on?

 **Gary** : I think he knows.

" _He knows what_?" Noire muttered. She had a good feeling what it was, she just wasn't sure.

 **Wyoming** : I think you're right.

_Caboose comes charging over the hill, doing his very best "The Cavalry" impression_

**Caboose** : Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

"Oh shit, CABOOSE!" WYRN exclaimed.

 **Wyoming** : It's the idiot, take care of him. Quickly.

 **Gary** : Right.

"Don't you fucking dare!" Weiss growled, but she knew what was going to happen. Caboose was about to become a victim of his own stupidity and his undying loyalty.

 **Tucker** : Caboose, no, stay back! Don't get near the tank!

_Gary fires the tank's secret machine gun at Caboose, killing him_

**Caboose** : Uuuhhh!

 **Church** (& Weiss): Caboose! Noooo!

" _Aren't you annoyed that you said the same thing as Church again_?" Noire asked, genuinely curious,

"Why would I in this situation!?" Weiss replied loudly, angry that Caboose died, before continuing in a much softer tone, "Despite all the times Caboose has annoyed & killed him, he actually cares about all of his subordinates, unlike Sarge who actually tried to kill Grif. This moment just proves who Church is a better leader than the Red dunce and that he's more human than him." YRN just sat on their seats in silence, unable to think of a response for the moment. It got kinda awkward, so Yang decided to break the ice,

"Are you jealous?" The Fiery Blonde asked teasingly,

"A little." The Dust Mage admitted sheepishly,

"I thought we worked through this." Ruby reminded Weiss. Weiss stopped looking sheepish and sat up straight,

"We did, but it doesn't mean I don't think that I would be a better leader if I had the chance to prove it." Weiss said with an aura of confidence around her, which did not give confidence to her teammates. Noire, Yang, Blake & Real Ruby took a moment to imagine that scenario and shuddered. Blake's mindscape temporarily became a very dark place to be in after that,

' _Well, thank you for saving us from a very horrible mistake Rt fan._ ' Noire thought while she shivered.

_Cut to the Reds watching from the safety of their conquered Blue Base_

**Sarge** : Whoa. Looks like the blue one just got killed by the tank.

 **Simmons** : A Blue got killed by their own tank? Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.

"You don't fucking say!" Yang shouted.

 **Grif** : Hehey, speaking of getting tanked, we should see if the Blues have any beer around here.

 **Sarge** : Hey-o!

"Okay, Tex failed at stealth, Caboose dies and now Sarge giving props to Grif?" Ruby said, "Oh my God, it's the end of the world."

_Cut to Red Base, where Gary is firing the tank cannon at the Blues_

**Tucker** : Go, move!

_Tucker and Church run down the ramp and out in to the canyon_

**Tucker** : Look out!

 **Church** : Caboose, Caboose! Ah, fuck he's not moving!

"There's no point. Without Doc, he's already dead…" Weiss said before sighing sadly,

" _Hey, nothing's impossible in Blood Gulch_." Noire reminded Weiss as they focused on the screen.

 **Tucker** : I'm telling you he's dead. Just like last time.

"'Last time'!?" The team exclaimed.

 **Church** : Tucker, you are gonna start making sense right, now. That's an order.

 **Tucker** : This already happened. Wyoming shot Caboose, Tex jumped Wyoming and knocked his gun away and then-

 **Church** : Tex is unconscious!

 **Tucker** : Fucking A, I know, that's what I'm saying!

"What the  _fuck_ is happening!?" Ruby shouted, "I'm getting more confused by the second."

_Church leans out over the rock and shoots Wyoming in the gut with the sniper rifle_

**Wyoming** : Awh!

"YEAH! Take that, ya bastard!" Yang cheered. The others smiled, seeing that it was the first time Church actually hit someone and got a fatal shot without medical attention, "Good work, Church!"

"There's still the tank though." Weiss pointed out,

"Shut up! Let's be happy that Wyoming is finally gone."

 **Church** : Oh- I hit him! I hit him! I can't believe I hi- I mean, I knew this sniper rifle was awesome.

 **Tucker** : This is just like last time! Once Wyoming lost everything seemed to-

_The camera pans back and Tucker and Church are returned to Red Base in front of Wyoming_

"Whoa!" The team exclaimed, surprised at the sudden scene change,

"No way…" Ruby muttered, realizing what Wyoming is able to do,

'It isn't teleportation.' Blake said as she rubbed her forehead, 'His armour enhancement is time distortion.'

 **Tucker** : Reset.

"Wyoming has a fucking reset button." Yang growled, before realizing something, "Oh shit."

" _Tucker is unaffected by the resets and remembers everything_." Noire said, " _Meaning that for the Blues to win against Wyoming, Tucker has to break the loop and stop Wyoming before he can reset_.  _Which will be difficult because Wyoming can reset any time he wants._ "

 **Wyoming** : You know I really can't thank you enough for leaving your tank completely unattended. It was very kind of you old chap. Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier.

 **Church** : Yeah? Well, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo.

 **Wyoming** : If it makes you feel any better your death is for a very noble cause.

 **Church** : What do you want with Tucker's kid anyway?

"Yeah, yeah, we get it, get to the different stuff." Weiss said, wanting to see what Tucker does to change the timeline.

 **Tucker** : What is going on?

 **Church** : Um... we're being held prisoner? Where the hell have you been?

"I don't know, the usual. Time travelling and stuff." Yang said.

 **Tucker** : Church don't you remember any of this?

 **Church** : Tucker, what the fuck are you talkin' about?

 **Gary** : He knows.

 **Wyoming** : How the devil is he keeping up with us?

" _Hm, I guess because he has the sword it prevents memory loss from the resets_." Noire whispered to Ruby, " _That's one awesome sword. Makes time feel like it's not moving at all._ "

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby said.

 **Gary** : Irrelevant. Eliminate him.

_Gary fires the tank cannon at Tucker and misses_

**Tucker** : Go, move! Tex look out, he knows where you are!

_Tex rematerializes as Tucker and Church make their way back down to the canyon_

**Tex** : ( _rematerializing_ ) What?

"Just get out of there, find the hole and stop Omega!" Weiss exclaimed,

"This might be a good time to do a reset." Yang said.

_Caboose saunters over the hill_

**Caboose** : Church! I am coming to help! Don't start without me!

 **Tucker** : Oh, shit I forgot about Caboose!

_Caboose is sniped in the face_

The girls winced as they saw Caboose getting killed again. But this time, a victim of Tucker's negligence.

 **Caboose** : Eh! I am dead!

"Especially when that happens!" Ruby added in, "Goddamn it, not again!"

'Famous last words.' The others thought.

 **Church** : Caboose! Noooo!

_Back to Blue Base_

**Sarge** : Yowza! Looks like the blue one just got sniped!

 **Grif** : Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should see if the Blues have any ...beer around here?

"Yeah… it was better when he was shot with the tank." Weiss admitted, "Okay, I feel horrible now."

 **Simmons** : What the fuck's that supposed to mean?

 **Grif** : I don't know. Sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it.

" _Meh, you'll get it on the next loop_." Noire said, " _That, or it gets worse._ "

 **Simmons** : Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.

_Back to Tucker and Church_

**Tucker** : Aw crap.

 **Church** : Whaddaya mean 'aw crap'? Caboose just got killed.

"Well, you kinda get apathetic when you see him die, like, 50 times already." Yang admitted.

 **Tucker** : Yeah I know, but I'm pretty sure it's okay. Somehow Wyoming keeps looping us through the same events over and over again. And no one but me seems to remember. I don't know how, but every time he gets hurt things just start-

_Back on top of Red Base in front of Wyoming_

"Reset!" WYRN called out.

 **Church** : Yeah? Well, great, glad we could help. I'm sure if you give us enough time we'll just kill ourselves. Save ya some ammo.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, what do you want with my kid anyway?

 **Wyoming** : You don't, remember?

 **Tucker** : Remember? You never told me anything.

"And this time it worked." Weiss said sadly, 'Great Caboose is going to die and Omega's going to take over the universe. What a fucking world they live in.'

 **Gary** : I think it worked, that time.

 **Wyoming** : Apparently. Keep your eye on him next time.

 **Church** : The fuck are you guys talking about? Oh you know what, never mind. Keep talking. Waste time until Tex kills you.

"In 3… 2… 1." Ruby counted down, wanting to see the knock out again.

 **Wyoming** : Oh right, dear Tex. You mean, her?

_Wyoming lunges at Tex and knocks her down and out again… not that she remembers the first time._

"Heheheh, still as funny as the first time." Ruby said between a giggle.

 **Wyoming** : Oh poor Tex. Never could understand when she was-

_Tucker steps in behind Wyoming and stabs him through the chest with his sword_

**Tucker** : Beaten!?

All the girls' mouths were wide open in shock. They weren't something like that to happen, especially from Tucker, who keeps saying that he was a lover not a fighter or whatever, 'I guess the lover just became a fighter.' Blake said with a smile.

 **Wyoming** : Oh dear!

_Tucker pulls out of Wyoming and Wyoming falls to the ground_

**Gary** : Reggie.

 **Tucker** : That's right bitch. I take care of my kid.

" _GO TUCKER_!" Noire cheered, she being the first one out of the girls to recover, " _TAKE THAT YOU BRITISH BITCH!_ "

"Don't underestimate a pervert." Ruby said with a smirk,

"Okay, that was impressive." Weiss admitted, "Great planning on your part Tucker."

"That was awesome!" Yang cheered as well before sighing, "Still wish Wyoming died just a few more times."

' _Thank you Iron-Mantis!_ ' Noire thought.

_Caboose comes trundling over the hill_

**Caboose** : I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

_Tucker picks up a sniper rifle and shoots it at Caboose's feet_

**Tucker** : Caboose, get the fuck outta here!

"And he  _finally_ gets the Sniper Rifle!" Weiss added, "You deserve it."

"I'm surprised he didn't hit Caboose in the foot." Ruby muttered. She still didn't consider him a good Sniper yet, but only time would tell if he would get on the list.

 **Caboose** : Okay bye, I don't wanna help any more.

_Back to the Reds at Blue Base we go_

**Sarge** : Whoa. Looks like the white guy just got stabbed.

 **Grif** : Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... I think I have a headache all of a sudden. For some reason I want a beer.

" _Joke got worse_." Noire muttered.

 **Simmons** : Man I just had the weirdest sense of... meh what's that thing called? When you, think you've done something, but you don't know if you did it?

"Déjà vu." WYRN answered.

 **Grif** : How the fuck should I know?

_Cut to Church and Tucker fleeing from the enraged Gary_

"I guess Gary is pissed about having his partner in crime getting killed by an idiot." Weiss guessed, "Serves him right."

 **Church** : Tucker, how did you know that was gonna happen?

 **Tucker** : 'Cause of Wyoming. You know how Tex said every Freelancer had an A.I. and a special ability?

 **Church** : Yeah.

 **Tucker** : I think Wyoming can loop us through little segments of time, and he just keeps doing it over and over again until he wins.

"That would explain how he escaped from Tex. He paused time and left before it resumed." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Wait, what? How many times did we loop?

 **Tucker** : Who knows? Doesn't matter now. That cocksucker's dead.

 **Church** : No no, it does matter. Don't you remember when we came here to begin with? I got stuck in a loop, and every time I went back, I left a bunch of-

_Church and Tucker run in to the bottom of Red Base, where they encounter seven Wyomings waiting patiently for them_

" _Oh, right…_ " Noire said as they stared at the Army of One, " _Kinda forgot about cloning thing, huh?_ "

"Yep." The others responded.

 **Church** : Copies.

 **Wyoming** : Hello. Hwahahahaha.

 **Wyoming 2** : Hehehehaha.

 **Wyoming 4** : Hohohohohohohoho.

 **Wyoming 7** : Heh heh heh heh.

 **Wyoming 5** : Heh ho hohohoho.

 **Wyoming 3** : Huh huh huh huh huh.

"Alright, we're on a roll now so let's keep going." Yang said as she grabbed the remote, "No more monkeying about."

" _No one says that, Sister_."

"I'm not Sister! Do you want me to pun again? I still have a few thousand more!" The girls shivered before shaking their heads, "Good." She then proceeded to press play.

**(Repent, the End is Near)**

_Fade in to Flowers in the underground lair talking to the computer_

**Flowers** : Yes, everything is coming together as planned. And these fools still have no idea. Once the young one gets his sword, there will be no stopping us.

"Let the guy rest in peace already!" Ruby yelled out,

" _They don't care Sister. All they want is the little guy to get Tucker's sword and rule the universe._ " Noire told the blonde. She didn't listen to Yang telling her that she wasn't Sister.

 **Vic** : Hey, what about the other guy dude, does he know about the thing with the thing?

"Fucking bastard." Yang muttered.

 **Flowers** : No that beast does not suspect anything either. Everyone has played right in to our hands. Muuhuhohuhhahahahaaa. ...Okay maybe that was a little loud. Huhahahaaa. There. That's better.

_Cut to Tucker and Church fleeing from all the Wyomings_

**Wyoming 6** : They're getting away!

"Finally! At long last, violence! Sweet, sweet VIOLENCE!" Yang cheered,

'Hop aboard the Fetish Train.' Weiss thought as she moved away from Yang.

 **Tucker** : Come on!

 **Wyoming 1** : Cut them off!

"Hold on, why does Tucker remember all the resets?" Weiss asked,

" _It'll come up eventually_." Noire replied, already knowing how Tucker was unaffected.

 **Church** : Why aren't you being affected by any of this?

 **Wyoming 3** : Remember the sniper shot.

 **Tucker** : He said it has something to do with the sword!

" _See_?" Noire said, " _It's the sword_."

_Tucker turns and shoots Wyoming 4 in the head with the sniper rifle_

**Wyoming 3** : I told you to watch for the sniper shot.

"Alright, I take it back; he's actually a damn good shot. He should've definitely had the Sniper Rifle the entire time instead of Church." Ruby admitted, impressed that he was able line up a headshot in seconds. No, not seconds, without even aiming, Noire smirked as she saw the opportunity,

" _You could say he's the best Sniper ever._ " Noire said and waited for the classic three words,

"In all of Blood Gulch." Okay, didn't expect that,

" _You say what now_?" Noire asked, wondering if her ears were deceiving her. Weiss just looked at her, dead in the eye,

"I'm sick and tired of saying Of Al-" Weiss stopped herself from saying the cursed words and continued, "'You know what', it's getting old and annoying! So unless some new character appears on this show, maybe some guy who's better than the Reds & Blues put together, and who's voice kinda sounds like Professor Ozpin starts to say the fucking phrase, then I swear on my name as a Schnee to never say that stupid phrase again!" She declared, "…Tomorrow."

' _Oh, well then, that one would definitely appear soon._ ' Noire then sighed, ' _My God, Creepy Ruby was right. This prediction stuff is stupid. Oh, and thank you aceman88 for the joke. Oh, and from here on out until Tucker goes to Caboose is Cure Rider Phoenix's joke._ '

 **Church** : Who said? When?

'This is why time travel sucks.' Blake said, 'No one has no fucking idea what's going on half of the time.'

 **Wyoming 5** : I've got to get my sight!

 **Tucker** : Just trust me!

 **Wyoming 7** : Get off the ledge you fool!

_Tucker turns and shoots Wyoming 1 off the top of the base_

"Well, he warned ya, fucker." Yang said as her eyes stared at the deaths of Wyoming. It was glorious.

 **Wyoming 1** : Ah- Ooph!

 **Tucker** : The cliff! Head for the cliff!

 **Wyoming 2** : This time flank him!

"Why the cliff?" Ruby asked.

 **Tucker** : That's where Tex will be!

"Oh."

"Aw… you're growing up to be me." Yang said as she hugged Ruby, who was getting a nice view of her assets, 'Let me die right now.' Ruby thought, wanting to die happy in Marshmallow Hell while Noire glared at her. She sighed when Yang let go and put her back on her seat.

 **Church** : Are you sure?

 **Wyoming 7** : Hey, hey!

 **Tucker** : No, not that way!

 **Wyoming 7** : Now I've got you!

_Tucker aims at Church's head, and Church ducks, allowing Tucker to shoot Wyoming 7 in the face_

"Boom! Headshot!" Weiss declared, "50 points to experience!"

 **Wyoming 7** : Ah!

" _Wow, he's being a badass right now_." Noire then drifted off into Imaginationland, " _A decent fighter, a great pervert and also a caring parent when he wants to be? I think I'm in love._ "

'OH HELL NO!' Blake shouted in Noire's mind.

 **Church** : Hey you know what, I kinda like this new all-knowing badass Tucker. He's certainly a lot better than the old one.

_Church heads off between some rocks_

**Tucker** : No Church wait! The other way!

 **Gary** : Knock knock Church.

"Who's there? TANK ACTION, BITCH!" Yang shouted, getting more excited with every passing second.

 **Church** : Son of a bitch!

_Gary fires the tank's cannon at Church, who evades and rejoins Tucker_

**Tucker** : I meant the other other way. My bad dude.

"Meh, we all have our moments." Ruby said, remembering their near fatal mistakes. It reminded her that she should train in her awareness when she has the chance.

 **Church** : I take back what I said! You still suck.

 **Tucker** : Okay Tex perfect, now listen.

 **Tex** : What the hell? Why do you guys keep giving away my position?

" _They_   _already know where you are Tex_!" Noire called out.

 **Tucker** : It doesn't matter, they know you're here anyway. DUCK!

_Church and Tex duck, and a sniper shot goes through where both their heads used to be._

" _See_!"

 **Wyoming 3** : Once I hit a towel.

"You suck Wyoming!" The girls exclaimed.

 **Tucker** : See?

"Okay, I have to admit Tucker is becoming a badass." Yang admitted.

 **Church** : Tex, this is almost gonna be impossible to explain, but he knows exactly what's going on, and we just need to trust him.

 **Tex** : Trust him. Ten minutes ago he shot me.

"Right up the ass." Ruby added,

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow_." Noire quickly added as well.

 **Church** : Yeah well that's I mean... you know, come on. Kind of a bitch. But don't worry, now that we're together, I'm sure he has an awesome plan. Right Tucker?

 **Tucker** : Right, now you guys stay here and distract the Wyomings. I'ma go take care of that fuckin' tank.

"What!?" Yang growled, before remembering who was in it, "Ugh, don't scratch the paint job!"

 **Church** : Distract! How?

 **Tucker** : Not getting killed is a great way to start! Watch your back!

_Shots hit the ground near Church's feet_

"Great job, by the way." Weiss said sarcastically (AN: Remember: Cure Rider Phoenix)

 **Church** : Geez!

_Tucker runs over the hill and rejoins Caboose_

**Tucker** : Caboose, are you ready to help? I need you to do something.

 **Caboose** : Great!

"You know, I'm really starting to like Tucker." Weiss said out of nowhere. She turned to her friends to see that they were just staring at her, "What?"

"You do realize what you just said, right?" Yang asked her,

"I know."

"And you do know that you're talking about Tucker, right?"

"Hey, he's actually being an effective soldier and, I know this'll leave a bad taste in my mouth, is being a kinda a total fucking badass right now." Weiss explained, gagging a bit after finishing her sentence,

"Well, she has a point." Ruby added.

 **Tucker** : I need you to run out there and get the tank to shoot at you and try to draw it closer to the ship. It's gonna be really dangerou-

 **Caboose** : Okay!

"He sure was quick to respond, huh." Yang noted,

" _And he sure wants to be of help to the Blues_ , don't ya think?" Noire added,

"Well, it  _is_  Caboose. He's usually dumb enough that he goes along with whatever anyone asks him to do." Weiss then nonchalantly looks at Ruby, "Just like someone I know."

"You got that ri-" Ruby quickly caught on with what Weiss just said about her, "Hey!" Weiss scoffed,

"Oh please don't tell me you forgot about the time when we asked you to be a decoy for that big Grimm a few months back?" Inside Blake's/Noire's head, Ruby remained silent after hearing about that comment,

'I just wanted to help…' Blake just patted her back to help her feel better and cheer her back up.

 **Tucker** : Caboose, that's why I always liked you. Everything falls in to two categories. Either you don't understand it, or you just don't care.

"Hey, that's sort of like how Nora goes." Yang brought up, remembering some of the fun antics. Some horrifying or logic breaking, but fun never the less,

"Yeah, but she also has a 3rd option: Blow the shit out of it." Weiss added, remembering that one joint mission with JNPR to stop an operation done by the White Fang, 'I still don't know how she was able to activate a crane with goddamn explosives! Why did we give her the C4….?'

 **Caboose** : Yeah, I don't really know what you mean by that. But I guess it doesn't matter.

 **Tucker** : Exactly.

 **Caboose** : Why didn't you have Tex or Church help? Is it because I'm the best?

" _It's mostly because Church is a complete an utter asshole and Tex doesn't trust him at the moment since he was the one who's first time with a Sniper Rifle ended up with shooting her right in the ass._ " Noire stated, " _Oh, and Bow Chicka Bow Wow._ "

 **Tucker** : No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now.

"That's  _my_  thing!" Weiss complained,

" _Oh, your thing saying something only for the character to say the exact thing_?" Noire questioned her. Weiss merely stayed quiet and looked back at the screen,

"Shut the fuck up." Weiss mumbled before looking back at the TV.

 **Caboose** : Really? Why not?

 **Tucker** : Eh, because I got to use a sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round in to her ass.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." (Ruby)

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow_." (Noire)

 **Caboose** : Hey chicka bum-bum.

"GODDAMMIT! YOU RUINED IT, CABOOSE!" Ruby & Noire shouted at the screen. Meanwhile, Weiss & Yang were covering their mouths in an attempt to hide their laughter,

"Okay, you gotta admit that was a  _little_  funny." Yang whispered to Weiss,

"I know, right?" Weiss whispered back.

 **Tucker** : Caboose, what did I tell you about that!?

 **Caboose** : Sorry, sorry.

"You should be." Ruby grumbled, "You ruined it for us."

' _Thank you DraxiusKnight7 for the joke._ '

_Caboose heads boldly toward the tank_

**Caboose** : Hey. Big mean tank jerk. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

_The tank starts heading toward Caboose_

**Caboose** : Dah, that's more like it. ...Uh oh. Uh- okay, uh Tucker, uh, uh here it comes. Tucker? ...Tucker. Um, yeah, I- I I didn't really mean anything, I I just wanted to say um... Hi?

_Tucker comes up behind the tank and attaches a cable_

**Tucker** : Now Sheila!

 **Sheila** : Affirmative.

"Smart Tucker." Weiss muttered, "He used Caboose as a distraction so he could download Gary into Shelia, where she could trap him and allowing the Blues to take over the tank."

 **Gary** : What nuuuuuuuu...

 **Tucker** : Did you get him Sheila?

 **Sheila** : I have him! He is currently isolated behind a firewall. He is attempting to get through, but it will take some time. He is not that smart.

 **Gary** : I heard that.

"Not an intelligent Artificial Intelligence, is he?" Yang said as she snickered.

 **Tucker** : Great. Caboose, stay here, I'll be back in a bit.

 **Caboose** : Okay, but I still don't know what's happening. Good tank? Nice tank?

" _Offline tank_." Noire finished.

_Cut to the Reds watching the ongoing battle between the Blues and the Whites, of which there are now six, meaning two were not initially visible_

**Simmons** : Man, that seems like a really big fight.

 **Sarge** : Yeah. Looks like they don't stand much of a chance. Ah, those Blues are finally getting what they deserve. I always knew this day would come.

"Really Sarge? You really knew that a bunch of British assholes cloned from time travel would kill the Blues while at Red Base while you sit back and enjoy the show from Blue Base?" Ruby asked, looking very skeptical, "Yeah, sure. I can definitely imagine it from Season 1." She said sarcastically.

 **Donut** : You mean you knew that the Blues would be killed by an unknown group of cloned enemies while in control of our base, and while we were in control of theirs? Seriously? You knew that was coming.

 **Sarge** : Absolutely. It's so obvious. Durrr. What a glorious day to be Red.

"Wow. Just, wow." Weiss said as she shook her head.

 **Grif** : And the best part of it all is that the Blues are finally gonna be driven out of the canyon, and we get to sit on the sidelines. Man, someone does all the battling and we just have to kick back and let 'em take the glory, while we enjoy the benefits. We don't have to do anything.

 **Sarge** : Rrrr...

"Dude, you just dug your own grave." Yang said.

 **Grif** : Hhhh... You know, one of these days, and I don't know when, I'm gonna learn to shut my fuckin' mouth.

_Cut to now eight Wyomings firing on the Blues_

**Church** : Okay, I'll take the ones on the right, you take the ones on the left.

 **Tex** : There's twice as many on the left.

" _I'm sure you can deal with them and Church is a really bad shot so I think 3 or 4 should be enough for Church to feel like a man_." Noire said.

 **Church** : I know, I can count.

 **Tucker** : Just keep backing them up!

"You know, Tucker is leading the team way better than Church." Ruby noted.

_In the background, there's familiar music playing. The volume increases as time passes._

**Church** : Why, what are we waiting- wait a sec. The hell is that music!?

"Oh no…" (Ruby)

"Oh heck no…" (Weiss)

"Oh fuck no…" (Blake/Noire)

"OH FUCK YEAH!" (Yang)

_The Reds come barreling over the hill in the Warthog, bowling over most of the Wyomings on the left, and Sarge shoots Wyoming 10 in the face_

"Now that's riding  _shotgun_!" Yang punned before punching a tomato away from her face,

"God damn it." Ruby grumbled. That one was spoiled over 10 years ago.

 **Sarge** : Yaaaa, now that's what I call ridin' shotgun! Blammo, haha!

"Oh dear God…" Weiss muttered as she face palmed.

 **Simmons** : Excellent shot, and follow-up one-liner Sir.

 **Sarge** : Thank you Simmons.

" _Okay, you have to admit that was kinda fucking awesome_." Noire said. The others slowly agreed.

_Wyoming 2 tries to mount the driver side of the Warthog, and Sarge shoots him_

**Sarge** : Now get to blastin'.

 **Simmons** : On it Sir.

_Simmons starts firing the chain gun on the back of the Warthog, cutting down Wyomings 3 and 8_

"Suck it Wyoming! SUCK IT!" Yang shouted as she rooted for the Reds. What? It's either the guys with a Sniper Rifle as their main weapon or the guys with the chain gun and car. Your choice.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, suck it Blue! And you too White! Suck it crackers!

"'Crackers'? What the hell does that mean!?" Ruby asked.

 **Grif** : Crackers? I thought you were Dutch Irish?

 **Simmons** : Fuck that shit. Shut up and drive, bitch. Yeahah, get some, suck it tits. Ohoh, you want some, how about this?

"More. More! MORE!" Yang shouted out.

_Grif drives over Wyomings 5, 12 and 13, while Simmons shoots Wyomings 6, 9 and 11_

**Simmons** : You like that? Yeah, I got plenty more here! Take that ya honkey mother fuckers!

"Yes! YES! OH GOD YES!" Yang cheered right before fainting with a smile on her face. After a few minutes, they resumed the episode,

' _Joke inspired by part of Cure Rider Phoenix's review._ '

 **Caboose** : Hey Reds! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

 **Church** : Uh, is he gonna be okay?

_Caboose runs away from the Warthog, which follows him diligently_

**Caboose** : I am Caboose! The vehicle destroyer!

"I'm gonna guess he is." Ruby said, "He'll somehow destroy the thin by the end of the season."

 **Tucker** : ...Yeah, probably.

 **Church** : Hey one of them's still alive.

 **Wyoming** : Uuuhhh.

"Barely though." Weiss said, "It looks like they don't have much time to get information out of him."

 **Church** : What's your plan, Wyoming? Why are you here, and what do you want with Junior?

 **Tucker** : He already told me! My kid is the last part of that big prophecy we thought failed. He's supposed to become some big religious savior for their whole race. Or some crap.

"What?" WYRN said, "Junior's the Hero of his species!?"

" _So the Alien was only there to impregnate Tucker, he knew that it wasn't going to survive for very long_." Noire told the girls, " _The little guy is the son of the original Hero maybe, and the Alien knew he was destined to die so he passed on his legacy before he died. The purple ship was probably there just in case he lived._ "

 **Tex** : What?

 **Tucker** : Yeah, so they wanna make Junior fulfill the prophecy and have O'Malley infect him. Then they can use him to enslave all the aliens by corrupting their religion from the inside.

"Th-That's just sick!" Ruby exclaimed. She knew there were people evil enough to do that but using a child, a baby barely a few days old, against his will to corrupt a religion just so O'Malley could rule an entire race? She was sure even Cinder Falls would gag at the thought,

"Disgusting." Weiss growled, having the same thoughts as Ruby & the rest of her teammates,

'Monsters…' Blake thought in disgust,

" _You bastards._ " Noire was starting to see red at that point, she really wanted to murder Wyoming and anyone helping him,

"This is, this is just messed up." Yang muttered as she shook her head.

 **Church** : Okay. That's disgusting.

 **Wyoming** : No, that's our job. To win the war at any cost.

"A STUPID FUCKING WAR!?" The team yelled,

"Maybe if humanity is desperate enough, they would but this is borderline fucked up!" Ruby said.

 **Church** : Yeah well good luck. Now that we have you, all we need to do is stop O'Malley. And Tex will be more than happy to do that.

 **Wyoming** : Oh on the contrary, my friend. Now that she knows our plan, not only will she not stop us; our dear Tex is going to help us.

"Oh like hell she would!" Yang exclaimed, "She's been wanting to kill O'Malley since she died so she may as well finish the job!"

 **Church** : Oh yeah. I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley. I'n't that right Tex. Tex?

 **Tex** : He's right. This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting on a open channel.

" _YOU TRATIOROUS BITCH_!" Noire yelled as she tried to attack the TV, only to be held back by the others, who only glared at Tex.

 **Church** : Tex! What are you doing?

 **Tex** : You want me O'Malley? Come and get me.

Weiss shook her head in disgust as she turned off the TV to let the girls get some rest. She checked her Scroll to see what time it was. It was roughly fifteen minutes until sunrise, "Should we…continue?" Weiss asked, not sure if they should. Yang was the only one to look up,

"Yes." Yang answered, "We can't stop now. Not after everything we've been through. Everything we've done to get to this point. We're at the brink of insanity and you want us to stop? To destroy what we've fought so hard to get to? To give up and make it seem like we'll be normal after this?" She then stood up and passed the remote to Ruby. She took a deep breath and looked at Weiss, "You said it yourself: Give into the insanity, right? Well, we're all on the edge, we may as well take the leap." She said with a smile,

" _Yang's right_." Noire spoke up, " _We got this far, we shouldn't stop now._ " ' _All these dramatics for watching a show on the internet._ '

"O-Okay." Weiss said as everyone prepared for the last episode, "Ruby?" The red cloaked girl looked up and looked at the TV. It was now or never, right?

"Okay." Ruby said quietly before grinning madly, "It's time finish what we've started! There's no going back, no giving up! Prepare, Team RWBY! Why Are We Here to We Were We Here, this is the finale! It's time to finish Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles!" Ruby's voiced echoed around the school as she pointed the remote at the TV, making sure to aim it at the sensor, pressing the Power On button before, with her team behind her in case the insanity starts to take over, pressed play.

**(Why Were We Here?)**

_Fade in to the Reds hunting down Caboose in their jeep. Caboose is hiding behind a tree._

**Simmons** : Hey Caboooose.

 **Grif** : Caboooose.

 **Simmons** : Come out so I can shoot you ya fuckstick!

" _I have a few right here_." Noire said and was about to pull them out only for Yang to stop her,

"I would say it wouldn't be the best way to lure someone out, but then again it's Caboose." Ruby said, "And now that I realize, why is there a tree in the middle of a box canyon?"

"Why are there two armies in the middle of a box canyon?" Weiss pointed out. Ruby quickly shut up.

 **Grif** : Where did Caboose go?

 **Sarge** : I don't see him. Caboose!

 **Simmons** : Come out Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!

 **Caboose** : Don't listen to them, it's a trick!

"I-I don't know how to respond to that?" Yang said, completely still amazed by Caboose's stupidity.

_The Warthog's radio starts picking up the Blues_

**Tex:** _(over radio)_ This is Freelancer Tex broadcasting on an open channel.

The girls swore they heard some Beowulves inside the room. They guessed it was Ruby. Hey, they hated Tex for what she was doing but she didn't have to look like she wanted to murder her, "It's just a show, Ruby." Weiss told the girl as she patted her back.

 **Church** :  _(over radio)_ This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel.

" _Nice one Church._ " Noire said with a smirk, " _Turning on your radio to hide Tex. And since the Reds can hear it too, there's chance they'll turn on their radios. It isn't a permanent solution but maybe it'll give them enough time to foil the plan_."

 **Grif** : Why are the Blues on the radio?

 **Simmons** : Who knows?  _(radio turns on)_  Hey Blues, shut the fuck up, get off our radios and quit running our batteries down!

_O'Malley shoots in to Simmons' open radio frequency_

**O'Malley** : Do it now, or I will kill every last one of you! And then everyone else here as well! Just to prove a point! Mahahahahahahaha!

"Uh… I think I found a hole in that plan." Ruby spoke up, "Now we have an evil kiss ass."

 **Grif** : Whoa Simmons, hey. Don't you think that was a little over the top?

 **O'Malley** : Suck it you fool!

 **Sarge** : And what's wrong with your voice?

"Well, there's the wimpy undertone, the smart ass tone, the arrogance and the kiss asssary in every word you say." Yang listed off, "The list goes on, dude."

 **O'Malley** : Nothing. Why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. Ever think about that, cocksucker?

" _Still with the wimpy undertone_." Noire said as she laughed a little.

 **Grif** : Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?

"Well, he ain't exactly Simmons." Weiss added.

 **Simmons** : I mean cocksucker, Sir!

"A kiss ass even when insulting his Leader." Ruby muttered as she shook her head in disappointment.

 **O'Malley** : Muahaha, hahaha.

_Cut to the Blues, and Tex executing the last Wyoming_

**Church** : This is Private Church broadcasting on an open channel.

 **Tex** : What are you doing?

 **Church** : I'm making you harder to find. Tucker! Turn on your radio!

" _Bad idea. If Tucker turns on his radio, that means the sword is in Omega's hands, defeating the whole purpose of turning on the radio_." Noire said, " _Plus, you'll be losing a very good soldier_."

'You're just saying that because he's just like you.' Blake called her out,

' _Am I? Am I really?_ '

 **Tucker** : Fuhuck that! If O'Malley gets me he'll get the sword.

 **Church** : Attention all Blues! Turn on your radio and start broadcasting right now!

 **Caboose** :  _(over radio)_ Okay, I'm on the radio too now! This is fun! What do you want to talk about?

 **Church** : Well, he can't find you now Tex.

"No, it's just delaying the inevitable." Weiss said, "Doesn't mean it's a bad thing."

 **Tex** : Don't get involved Church. Omega wants me, he can have me.

 **Church** : Why, so you can kidnap Tucker's kid? And enslave an entire race?

 **Tucker** : Yeah what's up with that, bitch?

 **Tex** : We have to win the war, Church.

"Fuck the war!" Yang exclaimed, "They're fucking in the future! The war should've ended hundreds of years ago and if it has gone on over hundreds of years, both sides of the war will turn on Tex since she'll be a common enemy and she'll be listed as KIA and assume she faked her own death and went into cryo in order for her to rule the universe in the future!" The girls just stared at the Brawler after her analysis,

" _That's… actually pretty logical._ " Noire told her. Yang only smirked,

"I told ya I'm not Sister."

" _Whatever Sister._ " Yang just groaned after that.

 **Church** : Well what about after? You think Omega's just gonna stop after he gets a whole species for an army? He's gonna take over everything Tex, and you're not gonna be able to stop him!

 **Tex** : I guess we'll find out.

'No. This is reckless. Not even Torchwick will take that option.' Blake said.

 **Doc** : Hehey, uh Church? It's Doc. Yeah uh, you remember that Blue Leader guy down here? Weuh he's just keeled over.

"Rest in Peace, Captain Butch Flowers." The girls said as they saluted.

 **Doc:** So I-I think O'Malley's on his way. Just FYI.

 **Church** : Tex, shut off your radio.

"Like that'll convince her." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex** : I would get away from me if I were you.

 **Church** : Doc, any idea where he went?

 **Doc** : I have no idea. And that alien buddy of his took off with Junior too. If you want I could look for them on this computer down here.

"Oh right, the computer!" Ruby realized, "He coul-wait, it has no sound. Never mind!"

 **Church** : Computer? What?

 **Doc** : Yeah. It's showing us the whole canyon. What's with all the dead white guys?

"That sounds kinda racist." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : What computer? Well whatever, listen. Just keep looking for him, and tell me if you find him.

 **Doc** : Okay.

"Suspicious behavior is a clue but the dead giveaway is the speech patterns." Weiss noted, "Too bad the computer doesn't have speakers."

 **Sister** : Hey uh, shouldn't you try to help this guy?

 **Doc** : What?

 **Sister** : Aren't you, like the Medic or something?

" _She's right, you know. Someone will eventually get shot and Doc is the closest thing to a Medic in the canyon_." Noire pointed out.

 **Doc** : Yeah okay whatever, shut up you talk too much.

 **Sister** : Hey! You think I could use this thing to check MySpace?

"Sounds old and stupid." Ruby said as she leaned back, "Just like Sarge."

"BURN!" Yang shouted.

_Cut to the Blues initiating a Mexican standoff between Tex, and Church and Tucker_

**Church** : Tex, is he in there?

 **Tex** : No. Is he in you?

" _It's like Trouble in Terrorist Town all over again_." Noire muttered, wondering why people would say they were Innocent even though everyone has an equal chance to be the Traitor. Also, she was confused. The Traitors were the good guys, right? Or was it the Innocents? This game confused her.

 **Church** : Bullshit, I think you're lying. I think that-

 **O'Malley** : Nothing, why does something have to be wrong with my voice? Maybe something's wrong with your voice. You ever think about that cocksucker?

"Is in Simmons." Weiss finished off the sentence.

_Tex knocks down Church and heads for the Reds_

**Church** : Fuck! Tucker, stop her!

"KICK HER TRAITOROUS ASS!" Ruby shouted.

_Tucker tosses a grenade at Tex and misses, and we cut to the Reds, with Donut showing up on the Motorcycle_

Yang shivered at the sight of the Motorcycle making a return, 'That reminds me.' She then started to drool, "Moto-kun, I miss you." She sighed as everyone shifted away from her,

"It's alright Terra-chan, the crazy lady won't hurt you." Ruby said to comfort her pet rock as she petted it, causing the possibly only sane girls to move the hell away from her.

 **Grif** : Hey, who are you calling a buffoon? I am not a buffoon. I don't even know what a buffoon is!

" _Noun. A ridiculous but amusing person; a clown_." Noire defined the word straight out of a Google search.

 **Sarge** : Both o' ya shut up.

 **Grif** : Seriously, what is that? Some kinda monkey? It's a monkey isn't it?

'It's Sun Wukong.' Blake answered, 'Which is surprisingly fitting for the question.'

 **O'Malley** : You fool!

 **Church** : Hey Reds!

 **Sarge** : Freeze, you dirty Blue!

_The Reds aim at Church_

**Church** : N-n-n-n-n-no. Hey, I'm here to help. Omega's on the loose, and I think he's infected one of your guys.

 **Sarge** : Infected? Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men!

_Sarge turns and shoots Grif in the stomach with his shotgun_

"That's definitely normal for Sarge." Weiss said, not even worried that Grif got shot. She's sure he's been through worse.

 **Grif** : Ow! What the fuck!?

"At least they know it isn't Sarge or Grif." Yang muttered.

 **Church** : I didn't say who-

 **Grif** : Ow!

 **Church** : -I think it's actually Simmons.

 **Donut** : That's okay, that's how all our emergency plans begin.

_Simmons runs up to the jeep turret as Grif gets back up, after Sarge hits him in the ribs with the butt end of his shotgun once for good measure_

"Yeah, I'm starting to feel sorry for Grif." Ruby said.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, get off that gun right now!

 **O'Malley** : No!

 **Sarge** : What did you say to me?

"Oh… someone's in trouble…" Yang said like she was 6 years old.

 **O'Malley** : I said no, hahaha! How do you like that? No!

 **Sarge** : Well since you asked, I don't like it at all!

" _That was rhetorical_." Noire told Sarge.

 **O'Malley** : Fi-irst, I'm going to kill you. And then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the Universe. From now on, everyone will kiss my ass, hahahahaha!

 **Church** : Uh, yeah, it's definitely Simmons that got infected.

"Thank you Lieutenant Obvious." Weiss said as she half heartily saluted.

 **Sarge** : Well no shit. Donut! Initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!

 **Donut** : On it Sir!

_Donut turns toward Grif and fires his machine gun in to his chest a few times_

"Oh! He'll be sore in the morning." Ruby muttered as she winced a little, "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

 **Grif** : Ow-how-how-how.  _(gagging sounds)_

 **Sarge** : Donut! I said Plan Eleven!

" _Aren't_   _all your plans starting with Grif dying to make sure he doesn't die before you_?" Noire commented, ' _Thank you aznalpha for the joke_.'

 **Donut** : Where am I gonna get a steamroller?

 **Sarge** : Simmons, do not fire that weapon. That's an order!

 **O'Malley** : Too late Sarge! Simmons is getting a promotion. Mahaha, mua-

_Tex creeps up on Simmons and knocks the O'Malley out of him._

**O'Malley** : Ow, the back of my lower legs! Ow, the side of my head! The back of my face! The front of my front!

"'The front of my front'…" Ruby & Noire muttered to themselves, "I wonder where that is. Can you show us?" Ruby asked as she reached for her targets,

"NO!" Weiss & Yang shouted out as they shielded their assets while Noire smacked the back of Ruby's head, reminding her of the deal.

 **Tucker** :  _(from a distance)_  Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

 **Church** (& Weiss): Thanks for the update!

'This is my life. This is my fucking life.' Weiss thought as she sighed.

 **Sarge** : Tex I know now might not be the best time, but I'd really like you to consider coming over to the Red team. Technically you know black is just a really dark shade of red. We'll talk later.

 **Caboose** :  _(over radio)_ Church, are we still talking on the radio?

_O'Malley returns through the air to Caboose via radio_

**O'Malley** : Muhahahahaha! 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?

"Back where you belong: Inside an idiot." Yang said as she crossed her arms.

_Tex runs toward Caboose, dumps her body, and Spirit Tex enters Caboose_

**O'Malley** : Hegagergerk!

 **Church** : Heuh, crap. Sarge, I need you to do me a favour. If I'm not outta there in ten minutes, I'm gonna need you to disable that ship. 'Cause if Tex gets out of here with O'Malley and that kid, there's no one that's gonna be able to stop her.

_Church leaves, heading toward Caboose. Tucker walks up next to Sarge._

**Sarge** : What the hell is he talkin' about?

" _The world and the universe is fucked unless you disable the ship, basically_." Noire answered.

 **Tucker** : Oh. Tex and Omega have some kind of stupid plan to enslave the whole alien race. But Church thinks if she does, she's gonna become the Queen of the Universe or some shit.

 **Donut** :  _(gasp)_  Queen of the Universe? No one even told me we were having a competition!

The team shivered at the thought of Donut being Queen of the Universe. It was kinda horrifying. And kinda delicious if you were Yang, who was imagining Planet-Sized doughnuts. She hadn't had a doughnut in a long time.

_Cut to Church popping in to the derelict metal that is apparently the inside of Caboose's head_

**Church** : Oh crap.

(Blake's Mindscape) (AN: Like in Rooster Teeth, the plot stops for one joke)

"Hey, Blake?" Ruby asked the real cat girl, "Remember in RvB when Church and Tex went into Caboose's head and met all the mental images of everyone?"

"Unfortunately, yeah?" Blake answered, wondering where this conversation was going to go to,

"Well, we've been inside your head for awhile now, how come we haven't met  _your_ mental images of everyone?" Blake scoffed as she rolled her eyes,

"Ruby, that was just something from the show, that kind of idiotic stuff doesn't hap-"

"Maybe you should look to your left, you dunce!" A very familiar voice yelled out from the left of them. Surprised, the two got up and went in the general direction the voice was. When they arrived at their destination, they saw that they were in a replica of their dorm room, and the voice was coming from a very peeved Weiss Schnee, but for some odd reason she had a silver tiara with a beautiful sapphire jewel in the middle, which glinted in the light,

"Weiss? Weiss Schnee? Is that you?" Ruby asked as she stepped closer, "How did y-"

"That's  _Princess_ Weiss Schnee to you, dunce peasant!" 'Princess' Weiss interrupted as she glared at the girl like she committed a crime,

"…Is this  _really_  how you see Weiss as?" Ruby asked Blake while the Princess got even more angry seeing that she was ignoring her and talking to that Faunus scum,

"More or less…" Blake answered while she gave Ruby a nervous smile,

"Dunce! Dunce! Dunce!" Weiss shouted before pointing at Ruby, "You're a dunce," Then to Blake, "You're a dunce," Then forward at some random direction, "You're a lonely dunce," And lastly to the right, "And you're a dunce!" The real Ruby & Blake follow Weiss' finger and saw Yang sitting on her bed, except with a very key difference.

Her boobs were about as big, if not bigger, as her head. And yes, she doesn't wear a bra.

"Take a chill pill, Princess, you don't want your  _Weiss_ cold demeanor to melt, do you?" M.I Yang (AN: What does M.I stand for?) punned even worse than the original as she got up, her boobs almost falling out of her clothes. Ruby just stared in horror at her sister's gargantuan boobs while M.I Yang looked at Ruby with a smirk, "Hey sis, what's wrong? Did Blake steal your tongue? That bad old Pussy Cat. Now, if you excuse me, I need to train." She then started punching her breast like they were punching bags. And this time, they did fall out. The horror of nipples the size of CostCo Pizza (AN: I mean, c'mon! A slice equals one plate!). Ruby slowly turned her head towards Blake with the most horrified expression on her face, a face Blake hasn't seen since they discovered the shrine to them,

"What. The Hell. Is wrong with you?" Ruby managed to say, still in total shock and horror. Blake just rolled her eyes,

"Oh come on, you can't tell me THAT isn't like your image of her." Blake retorted,

"I-We-You se-okay, you gotta a point." Ruby admitted as she looked around, "Now I'm just worried what you think of me." As if on cue, a red blur passes both of them before it finally stopped to reveal another Ruby holding a cookie jar (like we haven't seen enough…). But like Yang, with one key difference.

It was Ruby when she's in Chibi Mode,

"Wowcoolanotherme!" Chibi Ruby cheered in a fast pace. It was like she was on the ultimate sugar rush, "HimecanwebefriendswannaseemyCrescentRosewhat'syourfavouritecookieILOVECOOKIES!" She the ripped the lid off of her cookie jar and proceeded to destroy the supply of biscuits with about the same speed as Real Ruby. Blake just watched in confusion of the chaos in the room, with Weiss yelling at everyone and calling them dunces, Yang punching her boobs and Chibi Ruby pestering Real Ruby, who just noticed something,

"Why is your version of me wearing a diaper instead of a skirt?"

"Okay now! We should go now! Can't stop Noire by standing here!" Blake quickly said as she pushed Ruby out of the room,

"We aren't doing anything!" Ruby argued, "Anyway, I wanna see how you see team JNPR as!"

"Trust me, you don't wanna know." Blake said as she dragged her past the JNPR replica dorm room, where shouting can be heard,

"I AM NORA VALKYRIE, QUEEN OF ALL GRIM, AND YOU ARE MY PLAYTHINGS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" You can probably guess who said that, as well as the next few,

"HELP ME PYRRHIC!"

"I'LL SAVE YOU JOAN!"

"Alright, who gave Nora Edgar again?"

"And why does Jaune sound like a girl & Pyrrha a man!?"

"Keep walking Ruby! Just keep walking!"

(Reality)

' _Uh… thank you aceman88…_ ' Noire thought, ' _The fuck just happened?_ '

_Cut back to the Reds & Blues in the real world_

**Sarge** : What in Sam Hell just happened here?

 **Grif** : I'll tell you what happened, my own fucking teammate-

_Simmons walks up and shoots Grif in the side of the head_

**Grif** : Ow!

" _Simmons is back_." Noire said, " _And as much of a kiss ass as ever_."

 **Sarge** : Nice to have you back Simmons.

 **Simmons** : Thank you Sir, good to be back! Cocksucker.

 **Sarge** : Alright then, let's go blow up that ship.

 **Tucker** : Hey, Church said to wait 'til he gets out.

"Hey, may as well do it now than later." Weiss muttered, "You don't want to take any chances."

 **Sarge** : Well that's a nice idea son, but blowin' up stuff ain't a democracy. Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

 **Simmons** : Well, if you recall, we recently saw Andy the bomb and Lopez in one of the caves. So-

 **Sarge** : Of course! Come on men! Let's got ask Lopez if he knows where we can find some explosives!

 **Simmons** :  _(sigh)_  Excellent plan Sir.

"Well, at least a reluctant kiss ass." Ruby added, "At least there's character development."

_Back to Church in the depreciation that is Caboose's inner workings_

**Church** : Man, this place has really gone to Hell. I guess maintenance isn't a priority. Caboose! Tex! Anyone in here!? What was that? Caboose? Tex? Omega?

 **Mental Simmons** : Freeze! Look! I captured someone! I am the best! I mean, I'm the best one that isn't Caboose!

"Back to the insanity." Yang muttered,

'You're telling me…' Blake said, still trying to get Ruby away from her mental images, hoping she doesn't see how she sees Sun.

 **Mental Grif** : ( _voice all scratchy_ ) Great job Simon!

 **Mental Simmons** : Thanks orangish guy whose name I really don't remember.

 **Mental Donut** : ( _female voice_ ) Let's all go shopping to celebrate.

Suddenly, there was a lot of growling in the room as the girls glared at the mental image of Donut. Also, the team only shop when they need to. Or it's a birthday. Or it's for a party. Or after a mission. Or after class. Or it's a weekend. Or to relax after something dramatic. Or they were bored. Especially when they're bored. Actually, that reminded them they really needed to go shopping after the summer ends.

 **Mental Sarge** : Dar, let's be making him walk the plank.

"He sounds more like a cowboy more than anything else, if he wasn't a Drill Sergeant." Weiss pointed out. The girls just stared at the Heiress in disbelief, "Oh c'mon! I'm just saying what everyone was thinking right now!" The others thought for about a few seconds before going back to the TV,

'She is kinda right.' They thought at the same time.

 **Church** : Oh. Hey Reds. Hey have you guys seen Omega or Tex?

 **Mental Simmons** : Stop asking questions, you! We don't like questions in here. Thinking of answers makes people's heads hurt.

_Mental Tucker drops in from above_

**Mental Tucker** : Hey guys, what's up?

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!" Yang shouted as she tried to make amends for that horrible pun, only for her team to hold her back.

 **Church** : Tucker, how did you get in here?

 **Mental Tucker** : I'm in here all the time. I have this sword now. You might think it's cool but it isn't. Nobody wants to play with it because it's dumb, and even though I don't let people play with it no one cares anyway. Because it's dumb.

"I want to play with it…" Ruby whispered. It was unknown if it was meant to be perverted or Ruby's obsession with weapons.

 **Church** : Oh, right. Tucker.

 **Mental Tucker** : Also I'm stupid and ugly. And my butt stinks. Like a butt.

"So childish, yet so destructive." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Alright alright okay, okay, guys listen. I need you to take me, to Mister Caboose, can you do that?

 **Mental Simmons** : *gasp* Why would we do that?

 **Church** : Oh, uh because I am... ugh... because I'm, his best, friend.

"I can almost feel the bile running up his throat." Yang said as she clutched her own throat before gagging a little.

 **Mental Simmons** : Oh, nice to meet you.

_Cut to the Reds bringing Church to Mental Caboose_

**Mental Sarge** : Jolly good day, Mister Caboose. We be havin' a prisoner for you we do.

" _Getting a little bothered, Yang_?" Noire asked as she wiggled her eyebrows,

"S-SHUT UP!" Yang yelled as she puffed out her cheeks and looked away, all while blushing.

 **Church** : I thought you had a pirate accent?

 **Mental Sarge** : Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yurrr.

"Oh, he's very consistent in the real world." Ruby said, "Just look at every threat and gun aimed at Grif."

 **Church** : Caboose, hey, it's me Church.

 **Mental Caboose** : Yes. Hello Church. You must be very happy to see me.

 **Church** : Yeah, right, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin' puke.

"I wouldn't blame him. I would do the same if I had to friendly to someone I don't particularly like." Weiss admitted, 'I had to go to the bathroom 3 times a day just to tolerate Jaune.'

 **Mental Sister** : ( _male voice_ ) Hey what's up.

"Oh."

"My."

" _Fucking_."

"God." WYRN said as they heard the voice,

"I-Is Caboose really that confused about genders!?" Yang exclaimed, "What the fuck is wrong with him?"

"There's a lot of things that's wrong with Caboose, but that's why we love him for it." Weiss said as she patted the Brawler's back.

 **Church** : Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

 **Mental Sister** : Yep. I'm Sister... Church's twin brother.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me, Caboose." Ruby said as she face palmed, 'So this is a face palm, huh?' "Hell, even Caboose's version of Sister knows that, that, I can't even find a word to explain that!"

 **Mental Sister:** I came here in a spaceship, that came from the moon.

"I'm pretty sure Blood Gulch has no moons." Weiss muttered,

" _Wanna see mine_?" Noire asked,

"NO!" Weiss & Yang shouted,

"I want to." Ruby spoke up,

"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED!"

"Aw…"

 **Mental Sister:** It crashed next to Blue Base, and now I live with Caboose, and the people from the tail section of the spaceship, live on the other side of the island.

"Sounds like one shitty and confusing show." Yang said, before bracing herself for the worse. When she saw that there wasn't anything hitting her, she did a quick cheer. Then a rock hit her, "WHY!?" She yelled out as she threw the rock away and read the note,

'You'll slip up. It's inevitable.

-RT'

"Why does everyone hate me?" Yang asked as she cried anime tears.

 **Church** : What the fuck that's like wrong in eight different ways.

"Yeah. I know. Tell me about it." Weiss & Yang said as they rolled their eyes.

 **Mental Sister** : Yeah. I know. Tell me about it.

The two copycats just looked at each other in disbelief as they heard the sentence. It was quiet until they felt they needed to clarify something.

"I'M NOT CHURCH!"

"I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourselves that." Ruby & Noire said in unison as they rolled their eyes.

 **Church** : Caboose, do you ever listen, to anything that we tell you?

"Like Tucker said: Everything falls into two categories. Either he doesn't understand it, or he just doesn't care." Ruby answered.

 **Mental Caboose** : New Church is my best friend.

 **New Church** : I would argue with that too, but... what's the point.

"He must've been in there for a lllllllllllllloooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg time." Yang muttered, "I, for one, feel sorry for him."

 **Mental Tucker** : Did I mention that I had a baby but I won't tell anyone how babies are made? Not that it matters because everyone knows how anyway. Stupid babies!

" _I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL, CABOOSE!_ " Noire shouted while being held back by her friends.

 **Church** : Okay enough. Has anybody seen Tex or Omega? I'm in kind of a rush.

 **Mental Simmons** : I haven't, but you know who might know? Those two new people that we saw fighting over by the ramps. We could ask them.

'Great. Tex found him first, this could be bad for the others.' Blake said, 'At least O'Malley thinks Tex is still the enemy.'

 **Church** : Okay. Let's go do that.

_Cut to Church spying on Tex and Omega, both in black armour, quietly conversing_

' _Well, so much that, Pussy Cat_.' Noire thought, ' _Hey! That rhymed! Yay, rhyming!_ '

'My body is being controlled by a two-year-old.' Blake thought as she face palmed, 'No, scratch that. A one month-old perverted little girl.'

' _Thank you_.'

 **Church** : Oh shit, they're not fighting, that's bad for me. Alright Tucker quick, I need you to jump out there, and kill'em with your sword. If they die in here, they get forced out of Caboose's head.

"Uh… wouldn't that mean Omega's free to take over other minds? It's better to keep him in one place that let him go around. Kill Tex instead, that'll fuck things up for her and Caboose is basically harmless even if he is infected." Yang said,

"But Tex might kill Caboose if she gets forced out first." Weiss pointed out, "I don't think there's a win in this situation."

 **Tucker** : No way that sounds scary, you do it. I wanna get back to my busy day smelling butts.

' _That doesn't sound like a bad pastime…_ ' Noire thought. Weiss & Yang quickly started moving away from the perverts when they saw their interested faces.

 **Church** : Dude I can't, your sword only works for y- ...Wait a minute. There's no possible way he understands that, fuck it give me the sword dude.

"Why does everyone gets to play with Tucker's sword?" Ruby sobbed as she slumped down, "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

" _Nice one, Ruby-chan_." Noire said as she high-fived the sobbing Scythe Wielder.

_Cut to Sarge dropping off Andy and Lopez next to the ship_

**Sarge** : Okay Andy, we're gonna need you to get in that ship and explode. You think you can take out the whole thing?

" _Didn't_   _Church say disable, not destroy the ship_?" Noire asked,

"Oh c'mon! We've seen bombs on the show! They're either useless, ineffective at killing or just plain retarded!" Weiss said, "I'm sure the ship will be disabled."

"Um… but Andy was built by Tex, not Sarge." Ruby pointed out, "Yeah… this could be bad."

"Don't you fucking kill Shelia or destroy the ship!" Yang growled.

 **Andy** : You bet! Just say the word and I'll detonate. Man, this is gonna be great!

 **Sheila** : Hello Lopez.

 **Lopez** : Sheila? Is it you?

"Two lovers reunited." Ruby said as she sighed, "Now let's get to the robot sex scene already."

"RUBY!" Weiss & Yang shouted at the girl,

"Kidding! Kidding!"

 **Sheila** : Yes. It is good to see you again.

 **Andy** : Hoh, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend's put on a little weight!

"Yeah, say that while she's crushing you like the bug you are." Yang said sweetly.

 **Donut** : Andy, that's rude.

 **Andy** : What? You were all thinkin' it. I mean, I'm just saying. Someone should seriously consider switchin' to unleaded.

" _Maybe you should try using ANFO Andy. Might fix your attitude._ " Noire said.

_Cut back to the Tex-Omega conference inside Caboose's head_

**Tex** : But I have your word that none of them will be hurt.

"Huh, I guess Tex doesn't want the Reds & Blues involved." Weiss muttered as she shifted in her seat.

 **Church** : Tex get away from him!

_Church draws the sword and charges O'Malley, killing him._

"The only time he kills someone in a long time; it's with Tucker's sword." Yang said before she sighed, "He cannot get a break with his Sniper, can he?"

" _What about when he shot Wyoming_?" Noire asked,

"The resets don't count."

 **Church** : Fuc- Deawn! Booya!

 **Tex** : No! Dammit Church!

_Tex levels at Church but misses. Church runs up and kills her with the sword too._

"Double kill." Weiss said, trying to imitate the voice in Halo Multiplayer.

 **Church** : Awesome, I'm like a fuckin' Jedi. Aw fuck they're both dead. Quick, somebody kill me. Quick, hurry please, somebod- anybody! Please, just fucking kill me!

 **Mental Simmons** : Why?

 **Church** : Because I need to get outta here, come on please, hurry, quick just kill me please! Hurry it'll be fun, I'm a dick.

 **Mental Simmons** : None of our guns work, we just have them for show.

 **Mental Donut** : Mine is just a purse.

"…Well, that isn't a bad idea." Ruby admitted, "Have a purse looking like a gun could really save some women from rape. Now to figure out how to make it shoot…" She had a lot of planning to do after this season.

 **Church** : Gah, you know, never mind.

_Church picks up some fallen frag grenades and throws one at his own feet._

**New Church** : Hey can I ask you one quick que-

_The grenade explodes, killing both Church and New Church, and Church returns to the real world_

**Church** : Caboose, what happened?

 **Caboose** : Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker which was awesome, and took his sword. Also, someone may have been surprised by that, and peed his pants, just a little bit. Or a lot.

"Okay, TMI, my friend." Yang said as she grimaced.

 **Church** : I was only behind him like thirty seconds, what the fuck where is she!?

 **Caboose** : She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

" _Damn it! Tex has the ignition coil too meaning once she finds O'Malley and gets the ship off the ground, it's all over_." Noire said.

 **Church** : Fuck! What bout O'Malley, where's he?

 **O'Malley** :  _(over radio)_ Uhuhuhuha! That's the problem with living in a Patriarchal society; men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!

 **Church** : Never mind.

"Damn it, they're almost out of time." Weiss whispered, "The only hope they have left is Andy."

_New Church pops in to the real world next to a fallen Wyoming_

**New Church** : Huh? What is this place? Hey buddy, are you okay? What's that noise?

_Wyoming's time loop mechanism triggers, sending New Church, who is yellow, back to the army of time-looped Churches on Sidewinder_

**Yellow Church** : ...

 **Churches** : ...

 **Yellow Church** : Well fuck.

"Well, let me pause out of the moment and say that solves the case of the Yellow Church." Yang said, "And now, FUCKING GET TO THE SHIP BEFORE EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT!"

_Cut to Flowers walking up to Tucker_

"Or we could do that." Ruby said, smiling about the fact that Flowers is revived now. Maybe the Reds will die before the season ends.

 **Flowers** : Hello fellas, how's everything going out here?

 **Tucker** : Not good. Hey, you don't sound evil any more.

 **Flowers** : Thanks for noticing Private, yeah, being possessed by an evil force can be difficult at times, but with a little hard work, and positive thinking, you can overcome anything.

'I'll take that to heart.' Blake said as she wiped away a tear.

_As the conversation continues random sniper shots hit the grassy mound behind Flowers_

"Ah… SHIT!" Everyone groaned, knowing what was coming.

 **Tucker** : I think you mean hard work, positive thinking, and no longer being useful as a pawn in their evil plan.

 **Flowers** : Hyeah, that too. So, who are we fighting today?

 **Tucker** : Uh, you know, the usual. Tex, Red Team-

 **Flowers** : Red Team, those old rascals. Some things never change. They still wearing red armour these days?

"…I just realized maybe Flowers is too much of a dad for the army." Yang stated, "A good guy, sure, but maybe a little too nice to the opposing side."

 **Tucker** : Umm, yeah.

 **Flowers** : Oh, Red Team.

 **Tucker** : Hey, I could use some help.

"Yeah, like  _killing the goddamn A.I that possessed you_!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **Flowers** : You bet. And I have some information about the Reds that will guarantee our victory.

" _Close enough_!" Noire exclaimed as well.

 **Tucker** : You do?!

 **Flowers** : Ahai certainly do. Would you like to hear it?

 **Tucker** : Yeah I wanna hear it!

"Hurry up and end the war of Reds and Blues and flags already!" Ruby shouted.

 **Flowers** : Great! Because I'm just about to tell you!

 **Tucker** : ...

 **Flowers** : ...

"C'mon Captain, it doesn't take a year to tell a plan that could destroy the Reds already." Yang said impatiently.

 **Tucker** : Okay, why aren't you telling me?

 **Flowers** : Good question. I seem to be dramatically pausing for some-

_Flowers is sniped in the head from off screen_

**Flowers** : Herk, bleah.

"WHY!?" The girls, both in reality and in the mindscape, yelled out as they saw Captain Butch Flowers dying… again, "Rest in Peace, Cappy." The girls said as they saluted, "…Again."

 **Tucker** : Well good riddance. I wasn't giving this armour back anyway.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!" Weiss shouted as she tried to murder Tucker, only for the others to hold her back, "No wait, MY FATHER WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!"

_Cut to Sarge, Grif and Simmons holding guns on the O'Malleyed Donut_

**Simmons** : Wuho easy Donut. You've been infected by a computer virus, and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

 **O'Malley** : Wuhuhuhaa, huha! No! It's my body! It's my choice! And another thing: why do I do as much work as you guys, but I only make ninety-two percent-

"For the love of God, I WILL  **DESTROY**  YOUR SOUL IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP DONUT!" Ruby shouted as her cloak temporarily turned white before going back to crimson red after she calmed down. Yang picked up one of the white petals and saw that it was covered in blood, 'Wait, I thought she got over the death thing. Why does her Aura mode still cause blood loss?' Yang thought.

_Tex beats Donut in the back of the head and knocks him down._

**Sarge** : Hey, don't hit my soldiers without my permission.

 **O'Malley** : I'm the one who gets to hit mah soldiers. Wahahaha, yeah! Eat lead, world. Drop and give me infinity.

" _The Drill Sergeant from Hell_." Noire said, shivering after imagining if Sarge had been infected as long as Caboose has. That, or Glynda Goodwitch.

 **Grif** : Sarge, you've finally gone crazy.

_Tex vanishes and reappears behind Sarge, knocking him down, and O'Malley shoots into Grif_

**O'Malley** : Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work... I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

_Grif actually falls asleep inside his armour_

"I-I'm just amazed." Yang muttered as she shook her head, "Why can't I do that?"

"Because you try?" Ruby pointed out.

 **Doc** : We're here, is anyone hurt?

_O'Malley moves back to Doc_

**O'Malley** : Anyone need to be killed? Huhuhahahahuhuhuh!

"Full circle." Weiss muttered, "Meaning that O'Malley is out of people to jump to apart from Tex."

 **Church** : I know that laugh! Nobody move!

_O'Malley moves to Church_

**Church** : You know uh... I don't really feel all that different. Mha, mhu mha, mhu mhu, mhuh. Uh, nuh, feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird, ah, amean, expected more-

"I think Church is as mean as any living human can get." Ruby said as she and the others snickered, 'Wait a minute, doesn't that mean Church is more of an asshole than Tex!? Holy shit…'

_Tex hits Church in the back of the head._

**Church** : Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone? ...Tex?

 **Tex** : Church run!

 **Church** : Tex, don't!

_O'Malley jumps back in to Tex_

" _It's too late_." Noire said coldly, " _The universe is fucked_!"

 **O'Malley** : You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in. Nahah!

 _Tex/O'malley grabs Wyoming's helmet and runs_ in to the ship'

 **Church** : Wait, Tex you don't want to do this!

"It's too late Church, nothing can stop her." Weiss said, "Apart from,"

"Andy!" The girls exclaimed,

"Andy…" Ruby whispered as she looked up at the screen, "Destroy her."

 _Tex/O'malley enters the ship, where the Green Alien and Junior are waiting, carrying the Wyoming helmet_.

 **O'Malley** : Sheila, are you ready?

 **Sheila** : All systems online. Ignition coil activated. Starting thrusters.

"C'mon Sarge, Simmons, anyone from the Reds, you're the only hope for the universe!" Yang exclaimed, "Wow, never expected to say that."

 **O'Malley** : Launch when ready.

 **Sheila** : Please, take your seats. Launching in three, two, one.

 **Church** : Tex, don't, do this.

 **Sheila** : Liftoff.

 **Tex** : Goodbye.

"W-Wait." Ruby said as she picked up the remote and rewinded to make sure she heard it right. Tex just said goodbye. It wasn't just a quick one, nor one where it was just to say goodbye to the planet. It was just a soft, sad goodbye that should be directed at someone, someone that the person cares for. She learnt from Pyrrha that saying goodbye was like saying that you were leaving forever. That's why she would say 'See ya later' or just a plain 'Bye' or something like that whenever she would leave or something ever since. But never a  _good_ bye. And from what she saw… "Don't blow up the ship."

"What?" The team asked,

"What did you say?" Weiss asked,

"Don't blow up the ship!" Ruby begged.

 **Church** : We have to stop her right now!

"Stop the ship right now!" Ruby begged as she started to feel the guilt building up.

"What are you talking about Ruby?" Yang asked.

 **Sarge** : No problemo Blue. Andy you there?

 **Andy** :  _(from inside the ship)_  I'm here coach!

 **Church** : What's going on!?

"PLEASE!" Ruby shouted as she started shedding tears,

"What's wrong, Ruby?" Noire & Blake asked their versions of the young girl, with Real Ruby reacting the same way.

 **Andy** :  _(from inside the ship)_ Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer.

 **Sarge** : Ready for your job soldier?

 **Andy** :  _(from inside the ship)_ You bet!

 **Sarge** : Alright then son, do what you were born to do. Detonate.

"NO!" Ruby exclaimed,

"Ruby, tell us why you don't want Tex to die!" Yang said, wanting to know why despite everything Tex has done,

"Guys, don't you get it? Tex isn't going to help O'Malley rule the universe! She's sacrificing herself to kill O'Malley and leave the Reds & Blues alone!" Ruby then turned back to the screen, "And… she's doing this for Church."

"How do you know?" Weiss asked softly,

"She said goodbye." The girls saw their Leader crying as the scene went on. They didn't know why Ruby answered that, but after a few seconds, they realized why.

Ruby never said goodbye, because she knew she would come back.

 **Andy** :  _(from inside the ship)_ Hey, you want me to start from ten or three? Come on let's build it up a little bit, suspense it'll kill 'em. Ten!

 **Church** : I told you to disable the ship-

 **Andy** : Nine!

 **Church** : -not destroy it!

 **Andy** : Eight!

 **Sarge** : Oh well, score one for the Red Team I guess.

 **Andy** : Seven!

 **Tucker** : What about my kid?

 **Andy** : Six!

 **Sarge** : Oh right-

 **Andy** : Five!

 **Sarge** : -score two.

 **Andy** : Four!

 **Church** : Andy! Do not-

 **Andy** : Three!

 **Church** : -detonate, can you see her heading?

 **Andy** : Two!

 **Church** : Do you know where she's going!?

 **Andy** : One!

_The ship, having lifted off in to the air, disintegrates in a blue-green flash_

**Church** : ...Tex?

" _Goodbye Tex_." Noire said softly while Weiss  & Yang comforted Ruby. After a few minutes, everything started to settle down and Ruby went back to being somewhat normal, even though she was saddened over Tex's death. They continued, not knowing what the future would bring.

 **Grif** : Boo, no explosion! That sucked.

_Grif looks down and misses a great big explosion in the sky_

"O-Okay, I have to admit that was an awesome explosion." Ruby admitted, causing the girls to sigh in relief. She was back. Not really back since the real one was still in Blake's mind and the one occupying was perverted but still back in a way.

 **Sarge** : Haha, blammo!

 **Donut** : Wow, that explosion was awesome!

 **Grif** : What explosion, I didn't see it, do it again!

 **Tucker** : Uh Church, what should we do?

"Yeah? What do we do now?" Yang asked.

**(Fight! Fight! Fight! SHIT!)**

**Sarge** : Yeah Blues, what're we gonna do? Maybe we can all cry big blue tears over our busted ship. And who busted it? Oh that's right, Red Army busted it! Then they killed the girlfriend, and the gross little snot monster.

"SHUT UP!" Ruby & Noire yelled out, "GO DIE IN A HOLE!"

 **Sarge:** I always thought women and children first men-

_Sarge gets shot in the chest and right in the nads_

**Sarge** : Oh, son of a bitch!

"OH SON OF A BITCH!" WYRN shouted,

"I-I-I didn't mean it!" Ruby exclaimed, 'Oh God, what have I done!?' Yang saw Ruby's horrified look and decided to comfort her sis,

"Don't worry Ruby, he bad mouthed the dead, he may as well join them." Yang reasoned, "C'mon, it was only one guy. What could happen?"

 **Simmons** : Sarge?

_Church reloads the sniper rifle_

"Nice shot." Weiss said, impressed, "I guess when he's angry, he's a marksman."

 **Simmons** : Sarge?

 **Grif** : Okay hey, we killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

 **Simmons** : Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically that means we killed two people, and they only killed one.

" _Oh right_ …" Noire muttered, " _Yeah, kill Simmons too_."

"The hell!? Noire!" Ruby shouted,

" _What? He's next. Watch_."

_A sniper shot hits Simmons in the front of his face_

**Simmons** : Son of a bitch!

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"I hate my big mouth." Yang muttered, knowing where this was going.

 **Grif** : Okay now we're even, seriously!

_All the Blues level their guns at the Reds, and Grif throws a grenade at the Blues before he and Donut scatter_

**Grif** : Every man for himself!

 **Church** : Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

"10 seconds. I'll give it 10 seconds." Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : Okay.

 **Church** : And don't shoot me this time!

"Famous last words." Ruby quickly added.

 **Caboose** : Okay!

_Caboose gets in Sheila and immediately shoots Church with the cannon_

**Church** : Son of a bitch!

" _I don't think he's coming back from that one_!" Noire exclaimed, " _Oh, everyone is so going to die_."

 **Caboose** : Wait, what was that first part again?

_Grif hops on the back of the tank and pulls open the access panel, setting it on fire_

"YOU FUCKER!" Yang yelled out.

 **Caboose** : Abandon ship! Running running running!

_Behind him the tank blows up_

"WHY!?" Yang sobbed as she hugged Weiss, who was turning standard issue blue. It took Noire & Ruby to stop her from killing her.

_Cut to Sister and Tucker_

**Tucker** : Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

 **Sarge** : Aha, got ya Blues.

"No. No. NO!" Ruby shouted, "I am not experiencing Episode 28.5 again! NO!"

 **Tucker** : Sarge? I thought you were dead!

 **Sarge** : I was dead. Doc revived me.

'Oh thank God, some logic.' Blake sighed in relief as their sanity was saved.

 **Doc** : That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to help-

_Sarge shoots Doc in the chest_

**Doc** : Son of a bitch!

" _Well, there goes logic_!" Noire said.

 **Sarge** : Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else.

_Sister slowly levels her gun at the side of Sarge's head, and shoots him in the neck, spinning him around before he falls_

**Sarge** : Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

"YOU SHOT THE FREAKING MEDIC, DUMBASS!" Everyone shouted at the TV.

 **Tucker** : Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it. The Reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

 **Doc** : Actually I'm not dead. If you could just hand me my first, aid ki-

_Tucker turns and unloads some machine gun rounds in to Doc_

"And… now he's dead." Weiss muttered as she winced.

 **Doc** : Ohsonofabitch.

 **Tucker** : And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin.

"Oh God no…" Weiss & Yang groaned,

"Oh God yes!" Ruby & Noire cheered.

 **Sister** : Ooh, yeah.

 **Tucker** : Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover, and not as a fighter?

'C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!' The two perverts begged in their minds.

 **Sister** : I never thought about that, uh huh.

 **Tucker** : I've always wanted to go out-

 **Sister** : Hey ah, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action?

"YES! FINALLY!" Ruby & Noire cheered.

 **Tucker** : Bow chicka bow-

_Tucker gets shot in the head_

**Tucker** : OW!

"NO!" They cried as they slumped back into their seats,

"Thank God." Weiss said as the two non-perverts sighed in relief.

 **Grif** : Stay away from my sister!

 **Tucker** : Son of a bitch!

 **Sister** : Grif, I liked him, he was nice to me!

_Sister shoots Grif and kills him_

"Revenge, bastard!" Ruby yelled out, who was starting to lose her voice.

 **Grif** : Son of a bitch!

_As Sister reloads, Donut runs her over on the motorcycle_

**Sister** : Son of a bitch! I can't believe you hit a girl.

'I can't believe this is happening.' Blake muttered as she groaned. Actually, she was starting to feel pretty sleepy and Ruby was starting to fade away…

 **Donut** : Whatever bitch! Reow!

"Wait, what's happening?" Ruby asked as she looked around.

_Caboose runs off, picking up a rocket launcher_

**Donut** : Now it's time to pound some caboose. Woohoo!

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow_." Noire quickly said,

"What?" Ruby asked,

"HUH!?" Weiss & Yang exclaimed.

_Donut chases Caboose to the cliff, but Caboose shoots the rocket launcher at the motorcycle and blows it up, along with most of Donut_

**Donut** : Son of a bitch!

 **Caboose** : I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me.

"H-H-How!?" RWY exclaimed as Noire fell asleep, 'How did he last that long!?'

_The bike falls on Caboose from above, killing him_

"And the universe fixes everything." Weiss said as she rubbed the bridge of her nose.

 **Caboose** : Son of a bitch.

"…Well, that was a downer." Yang said as she turned off the TV, *Sigh* "I guess not all stories have a happy ending huh?"

"Wait a minute…" Weiss muttered, "It's been a month now. Surely someone should be looking for us now! Hell, I even think my parents should've sent a search party by now! Why did I realize this just now?"

"Uh… W-Weiss." Ruby stuttered as she stared out the window, "G-Girls?"

"Seriously! They may use me as a test subject but in no way that they would let their daughter die alone!" Weiss continued, ignoring Ruby and her increasingly worried face,

"N-Noire?" Ruby squeaked as she looked behind her, only to see that Noire was starting to wake up like she took a nap, but what caused Ruby's eyes to widen was the fact that Noire's eyes were yellow, not hot pink, "G-Guys!? Listen to me!"

"Oh, I may not like my parents for all the loneliness they've caused me,"

"Weiss, we better,"

"And don't get me started about the brutal training sessions with that stupid tutor!"

"Oh dear God." Yang said as she stared out the window, unable to move due to the fear she was experiencing,

"And the stupid fucking lessons, but by now they should've went out,"

"W-Weiss…" (Ruby)

"Got together a search team,"

"What's happening?" (Blake)

"Sent out ships,"

"Well, shit." (Yang)

"AND SAVED US BY NOW! Hey, wait. Isn't th-"

*CRASH!*

*BOOM*

*EXPLOSIONS*

That was the sound of a very large and expensive ship sent by the Schnee Dust Company crashing into Beacon Academy after losing control. Sadly, there were no survivors. Well, physically at least…

"I tried to warn you guys." Ghost Ruby said as she shook her head and sighed. Somehow, Crescent Rose was still with her,

"Goddamn it, NOT AGAIN! Just when I got my body back!" Ghost Weiss whined,

"Except this time, we actually are dead. No more being alive." Ghost Blake said as she stared at what's left of them. It was not a pretty sight,

"Well, on the bright side…" Ghost Yang muttered as she looked past them. The Ghost RWBYs raised their eyebrows as they looked behind them and saw their dead loved ones, from parents & relatives, to friends who were slain too early and people they knew fondly, "… I guess it isn't all bad…" The ghost of the team then started walking towards the light, "So… what do we do now?" Ruby looked at her sister with tears in her eyes as the light in front of them brightened,

"Enjoy the moment I guess." Ruby answered as the light engulfed the team as they walked forward. Sure, they were sad that they died, but the past was the past and with their loved ones in front of them, they never looked back.

(Completed Ending F: RIP RWBY)

**(Alternate Viewing)**

**Church** : Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.

 **Simmons** : Sarge... Are, we fighting?

"No Simmons. No you're not." Yang said as she sighed.

_Sarge gets on the radio to Command_

**Sarge** : Vic. Come in, Vic!

 **Vic** : Yeah dude, whadoyou want dude.

 **Sarge** : We need you to send reinforcements, or an air strike! We got the Blues on the run. We can wipe them out for good this time.

"Oh c'mon Sarge! You just killed 2 Blues, save it for another day." Ruby said as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Vic** : Nope, nuh-uh.

 **Sarge** : I'm tellin' you it's gonna- excuse me?

 **Vic** : I said no, we're not helping you dude. You blew up our ship and screwed up our plan. Dirty business. So you have your little fight and you leave us out of it from now on.

"What th-fucking hell!" Weiss shouted, "It's Command's goddamn fault they're there in the first place and now they're just leaving them to die!? What the fuck, Vic!"

'These types of things should be illegal.' Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : But, but the Blues, and... the winning and the, the killing of the Blues, and the murder! Isn't that why we're here? They have a base, we have a base, they have to die! Vic! Vic! Viiic? Vic! Hruh! Fugahugafuh.

" _Even_   _idiots have their limits, and Sarge just reached his_." Noire commented.

 **Simmons** : Sarge, where are you going?

 **Sarge** : To get some answers.

_Cut to Sarge in front of the underground computer, with Simmons and Grif looking on from afar_

**Sarge** : Vic! I know it's you, answer me! What's going on? Why are we here? Why aren't you helping us?

"I forgot that Vic is a computer." Yang spoke up, "It doesn't excuse the fact that he's abandoning the Reds & Blues to fend for themselves."

 **Simmons** : What's he doing?

 **Grif** : He's going crazy! That's what he's doing. This is awesome!

" _Well, it is nice see Sarge being fed up with Command and doing what he should've done a long time ago_." Noire admitted.

 **Sarge** : Vic! Either you start answerin' me, or I start blastin'.

 **Simmons** : Um, Sarge, we don't know what that computer does. It may control more than we think. Taking it offline might be catastrophic.

"Like a computer can control the universe." Ruby muttered as she rolled her eyes.

_Vic's ugly mug appears on the computer's screen_

**Vic** : Dude. You should listen to him dude.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP VIC, YOU BASTARD!" WYRN shouted.

 **Sarge** : I know more than you think, Simmons. If my theory is correct, then deactivating this machine could tear apart the very fabric of reality! But that tear would start under Blue Base! Which means for a few sweet nanoseconds, Red Army would enjoy glorious victory before being sucked in to oblivion! Hahah, score.

" _What a Pyrrhic Victory_." Noire muttered, " _Even after all that, Sarge still wants to win even if it means the destruction of the universe._ "

 **Donut** : Sarge, I'm scared!

_Grif hops on the radio to the Blues_

**Grif** : Hey Blues! I think you should get down here. Sarge is messing with that computer that's connected to everything, and I think he's trying to shut it down.

"I guess he doesn't want Sister hurt." Weiss said.

 **Church** : So what? Shut down your computer. What do we care?

_The Blue Base rocks_

"Uh… I think you should care." Yang quickly added, surprised that Simmons was right and Sarge was destroying the only thing that kept them from dying.

 **Church** : What was that?

 **Sarge** : How'd you like that? Here's another!

 **Vic** : Ow dude! That was my heat sync. Now where the fuck am I gonna sync my heat?

"You can sync your heat IN HELL!" Ruby exclaimed while shaking her fist at the screen.

_A giant rock spike falls down in the background_

**Grif** : Whohoa, hey Sarge, I'm really glad you realized Command's full of shit and all, but could you be a little more careful? I almost got killed by a stalagmite!

 **Donut** : Grif it's stalagtites. Stalagmites are the ones that grow up from the ground.

" _Uh… it's pronounced 'stalactites'_." Noire corrected, ' _Wait, why am I correcting Donut while the world falls to pieces behind him?_ '

 **Grif** : Who cares? The point is, I almost got killed by a huge fucking-

_A stalagsomething or whatever falls from the ceiling and crushes Grif, killing him_

"SON OF A BITCH!" The girls shouted,

"I don't think he'll be getting up from that one." Weiss said as she winced, 'Well, Sarge got his wish, I guess.'

 **Grif** : Ow.

_Vic turns off the computer_

**Sarge** : Yeah, I did it! I shut him down! And there are absolutely no negative repercussions.

_The screen starts showing a strange message_

"Absolutely no negative repercussions apart from the world ending." Yang said, "Good luck with that."

 **Sarge** : What the hell is this?

_The screen says "Congratulations player! You have winner! Thank you for playing RED vs BLUE Please play the Red vs. Blue 2 The adventure begins to continue again... Coming Winter 2004 soon! Copyright Kobayashi Games Ltd._

"Wait, what?" The girls said.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, I am the winner of the what the hell am I lookin' at?

_A credit roll begins with all Japanese names, then abruptly stops and goes to a Halo 2 game summary screen_

There was a silence as the girls processed the facts that have been thrown at them, "…IT WAS ALL A FUCKING VIDEO GAME!?" Yang shouted out,

'That… makes so much sense.' Blake said as she rubbed the bridge of her nose,

"I gotta stop playing video games…" Weiss muttered as she started regretting her life choices,

"I-I-I can't, I-I-I c-can't." Ruby managed said, completely broken about the fact that all the drama and insanity was just a video game.

 **Grif** : What the fuck was that?

 **Simmons** : That was the weirdest match I've ever played.

 **Church** : Dude that sucked, I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds.

 **Caboose** : Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming in to the mic.

 **Tucker** : Bow chicka bow wow!

 **Church** : Dude! Shut up.

 **Caboose** : See?

 **Tucker** : Bow chicka bow wow!

 **Church** : Alright that's it, I'm muting him.

 **Sarge** : Alright, let's play another.

 **Donut** : Dude I am not wearing that armour again.

 **Church** : Yeah same teams, new map.

 **Everyone** : New map!

"…Well, I'm gonna go jump out the window." Yang said as she walked up to said window,

"Us too." Weiss said as everyone got up and proceeded to jump out the window. And thus ends the series of React Watch Believe Yikes.

"And that's what I've got so far, Monty." Joel Heyman, the voice of Michael J. Caboose, said as he turned off the TV, "So, what do you think? Do we have a Mini-Series for RWBY?" He asked. Monty Oum, the creator of RWBY, just got up and left. No words. No emotion. He just left. Joel sighed as he grabbed the DVD out of the tray, "Oh well." Joel said, somehow now in a Mocap suit with bright pink bra on it, "There's always next season."

"Gay bar's that way, Joel." Geoff Lazar Ramsey said as he walked past the man in tights before laughing his ass off in the next room about how ridiculous Joel looked,

"Oh shut up you, I gotta ma-"

"WE'RE NOT DOING IT AGAIN!" Lindsey, Kara, Arryn and Barbara shouted from somewhere else before they all went to record their lines for the next season of RWBY, all of them thinking that Joel's suggestion would never take off.

(Completed Ending B: Joel's Suggestion)

**(That Actually Happened!?)**

**Andy** : Four!

 **Church** : Andy, do not detonate!

"For the love God, don't blow up the ship!" Ruby begged as she cried.

 **Andy** : Three!

 **Church** : Can you see her heading?

 **Andy** : Two!

"PLEASE!" Ruby shouted, while trying to ignore the girls trying to comfort her.

 **Church** : Do you know where she's going?!

 **Andy** : One!

_The ship, having lifted off, disintegrates into a blue-green flash_

**Church** : Tex?

"FUCK!" Ruby cried out as she started sobbing on Yang's shoulder.

_Where the ship disintegrated, a small explosion occurs_

**Church** : Tex?! Nooooooo!

_Scene wafers to Church lying on the ground in Halo: CE_

"Wait, what's happening?" Weiss asked as she saw the scene.

 **Church** : No...Tex...

_Tucker covered with the "black stuff" appears_

**Tucker** : Church! Wake up!

"A-Are we back in time?" Yang asked, "What the hell is happening!?"

" _We'll find out soon enough_." Noire reassured her teammate.

 **Church** : Meguhulwha? Tex? Tex, is that you?

 **Tucker** : Tex? No, it's me Tucker. Who the fuck is Tex?

 **Church** : Wha, what's goin on? Where am I?

"Blood Gulch, I guess." Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker** : You got shot by the tank, the new rookie did it.

_Caboose walks up_

**Caboose** : Yeah, sorry. Um, that tank is kinda hard to use, and I didn't have the proper training.

"Wait, hold on…" Yang muttered as she narrowed her eyes before the girls all gasped. There was a silence as the girls processed the facts that have been thrown at them, "…IT WAS ALL A FUCKING DREAM!?" Yang shouted out,

'That… makes so much sense.' Blake said as she rubbed the bridge of her nose,

"I gotta stop reading 'The Wizard of Oz'…" Weiss muttered as she started regretting her life choices,

"I-I-I can't, I-I-I c-can't." Ruby managed said, completely broken about the fact that all the drama and insanity was just a dream.

 **Tucker** : Yeah dude you were out for a few minutes, I thought you were dead. You kept moaning about the future and aliens and stuff.

"It was all a stupid, convoluted dream…" Weiss muttered as she shook her head. All that insanity for nothing… "Fuck it, I take back everything. I HATE THIS SHOW!"

_Church gets up_

**Church** : ( _sigh_ ) Man, I had the weirdest dream. There was an evil computer program, and a bomb, and my ex-girlfriend was there...

 **Tucker** : Boring.

" _Actually, it's a lot more exciting than you think_." Noire said as she crossed her arms and relaxed.

 **Church** : Yeah, and you were there Tucker, and you were there too rookie, and the tank was there...

_Screen pans left, to reveal a green colored soldier_

**Jenkins** : Was I there Church?

'Okay, I don't remember that guy.' Blake said, 'Church must've forgot about him.'

 **Church** : No, Jenkins, you weren't there. I don't know why, guess I just forgot about you. Sorry.

 **Jenkins** : Ah, oh well. Maybe next time-

_Simmons and Grif run from the cliff to them_

**Simmons** : Freeze Blues!

"Oh right, forgot about the whole Red vs Blue situation." Yang said, "I guess with all the crap that happened the war is kinda pointless now."

"The war was pointless to begin with!" Weiss exclaimed.

_Blues turn to them_

**Tucker** : Oh shit! Run!

 **Church** : No! Nonono, it's okay, we actually worked with these guys.

"In a dream!" Ruby reminded, "Dude, they're your enemy and will shoot you without a blink."

 **Simmons** : Huh?

 **Tucker** : What?

 **Church** : Yeah, I mean, we still had our differences and everything, but we came to overcome those to face a common challenge-

_Simmons and Grif open fire on Church and Tucker_

" _Okay, you have to admit you saw this coming_." Noire said.

 **Church** : Chigchugaow!

 **Tucker** : Whawhatwhaaa!

_Simmons and Grif pause and begin to open fire on Caboos0e and Jenkins_

**Caboose** : Ahhahhhahhhhhhh!

 **Jenkins** : Auhhhh!

"Well, Reds win. Woo…" Weiss muttered, even though she kinda wished the Blue would win.

_Grif switches to pistol and lowers it, followed by Simmons_

**Grif** : What the fuck was that guy talking about?

 **Simmons** : Who cares? I'll get Sarge on the radio.

 **Grif** : Aite, sounds good.

"Who the fuck says 'Aite' these days?" The girls muttered in unison as they shook their heads.

_Grif runs towards the cliff and around the corner, while Simmons contacts Sarge via radio_

**Simmons** : Hey Sarge, we cleared out this sector, what do you want us to do?

 **Sarge**  (radio): Good work Simmons, get busy packin, let's move on to the next zone.

_Simmons runs toward the cliff and around the corner_

"Well, that was… interesting." Ruby said slowly as she turned off the TV, "So, what do we do now, Yang?" She asked. She gasped when her adopted sister turn and stared at her with a blank face. No eyes. No mouth. Not even a nose. Pure blank, "Wha-WHAT!? Weiss, what's happening!?" She then turned to see Weiss' ghost killing herself with a foam baseball bat, "HUH!? Noire! Help me, I'm going insane!" She then turned and saw Blake making out with Noire, "B-B-B-B-But, incest, echii, hentai, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!? HELP ME! SOMEONE HELP ME!" Noire paused from making out with her 'sister' and looked at Ruby,

" _This a dream, Ruby-chan. None of this is real_." She then went back to making out with the Faunus. Ruby's mind was literally cracking, and the world around her showed it. She couldn't handle the insanity anymore, so she did the most logical thing she could think of,

"I really hope this is a dream!" Ruby said as she grabbed a gem out of nowhere and smashed her head against until she knocked herself unconscious.

Darkness. All she could see was darkness. But like all darkness, there was always going to have a spark of light. She could hear the echoes of her teammates. It wasn't real. The whole thing wasn't real. It was all a dream after all.

"RUBY, WAKE UP!" Yang yelled at the napping girl with a bullhorn,

"Huh!? What!?" Ruby shouted before yawning, "Oh sorry, we were packing right?"

"What were you dreaming?" Blake asked as she shut a black suitcase, "You mumbling in your sleep about red, blue, idiots and g-g-g-g-ghosts."

"It was just a nightmare." Ruby answered, but she wasn't sure if it was a nightmare or a dream, "I'll go finish packing now."

"You better. The ships will be leaving soon and I have a tour to get to. I don't want to disappoint my fans." Weiss reminded the Leader. After a few more minutes, the girls were ready to leave for the summer and go their separate ways until the next school year starts,

"Hey, Ruby?" Weiss asked for her Leader and partner,

"Yeah?" She replied,

"What was that nightmare about? It must've been pretty intense." Ruby giggled as she remembered the dream fondly, strangely enough,

"Well, it all started when Blake said,"

"Uh… guys?" Blake said as she looked out the window,

"What is it Pussy Cat?" Yang asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Um… I hate to burst your bubbles but, uh… where are the airships?" Time literally froze around the team as they heard those words. The girls quickly threw their luggage away and looked out the window. It was true. Horribly true. Unfathomably true. And to Ruby, all too familiar.

They were trapped in Beacon. For three whole months.

The RWBYs stared out the window, unable to move or make a sound as they processed the fact that they were stuck there for the whole summer. Ruby, however, was reacting… differently,

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN! NOT FUCKING AGAIN! WHY!? JUST, WHY!? *breathes in deeply* NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! JUST FUCKING NO! Fuck it; I'm gonna go build a house." And thus Ruby learned something very important that day.

Some dreams do come true.

(Completed Ending A: Yes, That Was Canon)

**(The Very Lazy Ending)**

**Andy** : Four!

 **Church** : Andy, do not detonate!

 **Andy** : Three!

 **Church** : Can you see her heading?

 **Andy** : Two!

 **Church** : Do you know where she's going?!

 **Andy** : One!

 **Church** : Tex! Come back!

_The ship screeches to a halt and turns to face the group_

"Uh… she came back." Yang said while Ruby gave a sigh of relief.

 **Grif** : Hey look she's coming back. How 'bout that?

_The ship faces them but doesn't move_

"Hey… uh… do you think the military put weapons on the thing?" Weiss asked,

" _Who wouldn't_?" Noire asked, " _Yeah, they're kinda fucked_."

 **Grif** : That thing doesn't have, uh, have weapons on it or anything, does it?

_The ship fire a missile at the group_

**Sarge** : Aw snap.

"Well, shit." RWBY said flatly.

_The missile explodes in the middle of Church, Sarge, Simmons, Donut, and Grif, killing them and perhaps Tucker and Caboose off screen_

"Uh…" Ruby said, trying to find a response to that, "So… what do we do now?"

"…Wanna go play video games?" Weiss suggested, wanting to forget the short but ridiculous ending,

"I think there's an Xbox One in Ozpin's Office." Yang said as everyone got up,

" _Dead Rising 3, anyone_?" Noire suggested as she got out the game, " _I have DLC~_ "

"Let's just go." Ruby said as everyone left. They spent the rest of the summer playing, and getting addicted to, video games and generally being lazy. When everyone came back after the summer break, let's just say the sugar really got to Ruby and the team. Apart from Weiss. She could control herself. She would later regret that two hours into the school year.

(Completed Ending D: Weiss' Boot Camp)

**(Epilogues?)**

_The ship disintegrates into a blue-green flash_

_Church walks next to Tucker_

**Tucker** : Uh, Church, what should we do?

 **Sarge** : Yeah Blues, what are we gonna do? Maybe we should cry big blue tears over our busted ship. And who busted it? Oh that's right. Red Army busted it! And they killed the girlfriend and gross little snot monster.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ruby & Noire shouted, "GO DIE IN A HOLE!"

I always thought women and children first mis-

_Sarge gets shot twice by sniper rifles. One in the head, one in the other head._

**Sarge** : Oh son of a bitch!

"OH SON OF A BITCH!" WYRN shouted,

"I-I-I didn't mean it!" Ruby exclaimed, 'Oh God, what have I done!?' Yang saw Ruby's horrified look and decided to comfort her sis,

"Don't worry Ruby, he bad mouthed the dead, he may as well join them." Yang reasoned, "C'mon, it was only one guy. What could happen?"

_Music begins_

"Wait, why is there music?" Weiss asked.

 **Text** : After his tour in Blood Gulch, Sarge was awarded the Badge of Redness, but had it revoked when he would not reveal his real name for the certificate. He commanded various Red Forces throughout the following years and was eventually killed at Gemini 8. He died exactly the way he wanted: after Grif.

"Wait, SARGE LIVED!?" The girls exclaimed,

" _And_   _he died during an actual war on a different planet!? Well, that's actually fitting_." Noire admitted, "Also, he got his wish.  _Grif dies before him_."

 **Simmons** : Sarge? Sarge!

_Cuts to Simmons death scene_

_Simmons gets shot in the face by a sniper rifle_

"HOLY SHIT!" WYRN yelled.

 **Simmons** : Son of a bitch!

 **Text** : Simmons stole Sarge's identity after his death and attempted to resume his life. He was discovered and court-martialed by the Red Army. He is currently awaiting execution in a military prison.

"Insanity at its finest." Yang muttered.

 **Grif** : Everyman for himself!

_Cuts to Grif's death scene_

_Grif gets shot in the head by a pistol_

**Grif** : Son of a bitch!

"FUCK!" The girls shouted.

 **Text** : Grif was killed by Sarge shortly before his death.

"You'd think Grif would've left the army before Sarge dies…" Yang muttered.

 **Church** : Caboose! Get in that tank and give me cover fire!

_Cuts to Church's death scene_

**Church** : And don't shoot me this time!

"Famous last words." Ruby quickly added.

 **Caboose** : Okay!

_Tank fires on Church_

"OH MY GOD!" the team freaked out.

 **Church** : Son of a Bitch!

 **Text** : Church is an Anger Management social worker in Quincy, IL.

'Irony at its finest.' Blake muttered.

 **Tucker** : I don't want to die a virgin.

 **Sister** : Ooh...

"YES!" Ruby & Noire cheered.

_Cuts to Tucker's death scene_

**Tucker** : Bow-chicka-bow-

_Tucker gets shot in the head with a battle rifle_

"NO!" Ruby & Noire sobbed,

"Thank God." Weiss & Yang sighed in relief.

 **Tucker** : -ow!

 **Text** : Tucker went AWOL shortly after the events of the Blood Gulch Chronicles. He was last spotted on a stolen ship, on a heading towards the alien home world. His current whereabouts are unknown.

" _Uh… I guess at the alien home world, helping the little guy_." Noire guessed.

 **Sister** : I liked him, he was nice to me!

_Cuts to Sister's death scene_

_Sister gets run-over by Donut's motorcycle_

"OH SHIT!" the girls… actually, I'm running out of words that are not shouting so let's open up the thesaurus… ah, here we go, bellowed.

 **Sister** : Son of a bitch!

 **Text** : Sister works as an etiquette coach at the prestigious Paris Hilton School for Girls.

"What a dumb name…" Yang muttered. Suddenly, a teddy bear landed on her lap with a note attached to it, saying:

'Thank you for not saying you wanna be her

From: Earth'

"Oh, sweet!" Yang whispered as she hugged the teddy bear. It looks like things were looking up.

 **Sister** : I can't believe you would hit a girl!

 **Donut** : Whatever bitch. Reow!

_Cuts to Donut's death scene_

_Caboose fires a rocket at Donut in his motorcycle_

_Donut flies off hitting the ground then the cliff wall_

"BUTTER NUGGETS!" Team WYRN clamoured (apparently that's a word).

 **Donut** : Son of a bitch!

 **Text** : Donut married an exotic dancer named Tiffany. They have twelve children.

"About Donut being gay…" Ruby started,

"Oh, shut up! I was wrong okay!" Yang interrupted,

"Just saying, yeesh."

 **Caboose** : I won! I am the greatest!

_Cuts to Caboose's death scene_

_Donut's motorcycle hits Caboose on the head_

"MARIO KART 8!" The girls yelped,

" _Now in a store near you_." Noire quickly added, " _I should be getting paid for that!_ "

 **Text** : Caboose sold his life story to a software company based in Redmond, WA.

_Music ends_

_A small jingle plays_

**Text** : They based a popular video game on it.

"That must be one hell of a video game." Weiss said, wanting to see how it plays. And maybe lock herself in the

 **Caboose** : Son of a bitch.

_Cut to black._

"Well, I guess that's it." Weiss said as she turned off the TV, "What do we do now?" The girls paused and looked down, not knowing what to do now. They looked out the window and decided together what to do,

"Train."

**(Ruby)**

Ruby went on to become the Headmistress of Beacon Academy after Ozpin had retired. She went on to produce the greatest known Huntsmen & Huntresses in recent history. She is now planning out a new Initiation in order to have an increased survivability rate yet produce more students worthy of attending Beacon. Also, after a failed lunch plan, 50% of the school now has diabetes, not including the staff. She's also happily married… to Crescent Rose. They even have (somehow) human children. They became the first Meister & Demon Weapon.

**(Weiss)**

After showing her parents what she could do, she went on to be the first a Huntress/singer/CEO, cleaning the Schnee Duct Company of corrupt people and increasing productivity with the introduction of Faunus workers. She now spends a lot more time at home thanks to the company being able to support itself without her around, at least for a few days, allowing her to teach her two children, who continually try to escape her training* sessions (*See: Torture).

**(Blake)**

After gaining her body back and graduating, she is now the Leader of the White Fang, a former terrorist group now political party/police force specializing in stealth and infiltration. Thanks to her, any racism against her species was quickly forgotten and now everyone is considered equal. She was the first to marry out of the team, with Sun Wukong as her husband. She currently has no children, much to her relief. Noire eventually disappeared from Blake's mind, seeing that all of Blake's desires being sated, but did promise to return someday.

**(Yang)**

After graduating from Beacon, she went on to travel the world and help as many people as she could while performing her job as a Huntress, earning her the nickname "Flash Fire" as she would be at one place for a moment before being gone the next. That, or because of the flash fire she caused at the first place she travelled to. She's the only girl out of the team to not be married but has a boyfriend back a Vale. She's planning to retire in a few years and settle in Vale.

**(RWBY)**

Every summer of every year, the girls would come together at Vale, cancelling all their plans for the next 3 months, and go to Beacon, where they would watch Red vs Blue, from Season 1 to 10. They plan to bring their families with them when they're old enough.

Or at least strong enough to defend themselves from all the shit that goes down. Beacon has been rebuilt five times already and Ruby wasn't looking forward to a sixth.

(Completed Ending C: Years After)

**(Aliens Suck)**

_The ship disintegrates in a blue-green flash_

**Church** : Tex?

 **Grif** : Boo! No explosion! That sucked.

_Where the ship disintegrated, a small explosion occurs_

"That's your explosion!" Yang exclaimed, "And it was awesome!"

_Church next to Tucker_

**Tucker** : Uh, Church, what should we do?

 **Sarge** : Yeah Blue! What are we gonna do? Maybe we can cry big blue tear over our busted ship. An-

_Plasma bolts hit Sarge from off screen_

"Wait, where did that come from?" Weiss asked.

 **Grif** : What the hell? Where'd that come from?

 **Church** : Oh shit! Alien invasion! RUN!

"WHAT!?" Ruby shouted before sitting back down on her chair, "Out of all things…"

_Cut to incoming alien invasion, with a Spectre heading toward them and a Banshee flying overhead_

**Unknown Alien** : Blarg blarg blarg!

_Switches to Blue team aliens with a Wraith_

**Teal Alien** : Blarg blarg blarg!

 **Cyan Alien:**  Honk!

 **Teal Alien** : Blarg blarg blarg!

"Uh… this is oddly familiar." Yang muttered, "Don't tell me there's an alien version of the Reds & Blues?"

" _It looks like it, Yang_." Noire said, causing her to groan,

"Fuck."

_Switches to a pink alien pulling out a energy sword_

**Pink Alien** : Blarg!

" _Bow Chicka Bow Wow_." Noire quickly added,

"I-I'm not even going to comment." Weiss said, "Let's just shut up and watch because I don't think we can make as many comments as we used to."

_Fades to black, then switches with the bottom of a red flag on a wall_

**Maroon Alien** : Blarg.

 **Orange Alien** : Honk.

 **Maroon Alien** : Blargety blarg blarg honk?

 **Orange Alien** : Blargety blarg blarg blarg blarg? Honk honky blarg? Blargety blarg blarg blarg, blargety blarg blarg.

"Uh… I think it's safe to say it's the first episode all over again." Ruby said hesitantly, "Nice recreation though."

_Screen goes switches between the two for a few seconds_

**Maroon Alien** : Blarg?

_Screen goes to a Beam Rifle scope pointed at Red Base, then to the Teal and Cyan aliens_

**Teal Alien** : Uh, Blargety blarg blarg?

 **Cobalt Alien** : Honk...

"I-I-I-I can't, I can't respond to-j-just, just turn it off." Ruby said as she leaned forward and covered her eyes with her hands before shivering, "So… what do we do now?" Suddenly, the roof of the dorm was ripped out as a bright light shone above them, as well as lifting up the entire school,

"HOW ABOUT STOPPING AN ALIEN FUCKING INVASION!?" Yang yelled out as she activated Ember Ceclia,

"That sounds like a good idea!" Weiss said as she quickly grabbed Myrtenaster,

"WHAT FUCK IS HAPPENING!?" Blake yelled out as she grabbed Gambol Shroud, now back in her body while she transferred Real Ruby back into her body with the powers Noire left her,

"A LOT OF STUFF!" Ruby yelled back as she turned Crescent Rose into its scythe form and glared at the light, "WHY CAN'T WE GET A BREAK!" Those were the last words Ruby would say in Remnant in a long time, as the team disappeared for 5 years. When they came back, they weren't the ones who left all those years ago. RWBY was dead. The Goddesses of Death were born, and they were ready to get what they were denied for so long.

Remnant.

And cookies.

And Dust.

Cat food.

Hair-care products.

Okay, they were denied a lot of things as Queens of the Universe.

(Completed Ending E: Changed)

**(The Real Ending)**

**Church** : Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.

"That's a good idea." Weiss said as she sighed. That was enough drama for one day.

_Church starts walking away, and Tucker follows him_

**Tucker** : Hyeah, fuck this.

 **Simmons** : Sarge... Are, we fighting?

"No Simmons. No you're not. Save some bullets for tomorrow" Yang sighed.

 **Sarge** : No Simmons, I think they've had their ass kicked enough for one day. Let's leave some for tomorrow.

" _I could've said it better myself_." Noire muttered.

_Slowly fade to Caboose and Church on top of Blue Base_

**Caboose** : Church.

 **Church** : Yeah.

 **Caboose** : Ya ever wonder why we're here?

"It's one of life's greatest mysteries, huh?" Ruby said before sighing, wondering why they exist in the first place, 'Maybe we'll find out one day.'

 **Church** : You know Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders, and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or because they're Blue, but because ya know them, and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them, because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

"You know, I agree with him." Weiss admitted,

"What a shocker…" Yang said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes,

"Yang, I'm serious. I do agree with him." Weiss then proceeded to stand up and make the best speech of her natural life, "Are we to judge someone by their colour or appearance? Are we ready to hate someone just because they're different? Are we going to exclude anyone because they're not to society's standards? If we are, the world we live is as good as gone. We, as a species, must survive; live with each other if we're ever going to stand a chance against the Grimm! But with all the fighting, wars we're having, against each other, it's  _sickening_! More so because we're basically saying some people don't have the right to exist. Take us and Faunus for example. I know now that we feared the Faunus because of their enhanced abilities and their quick adaption to the wild while we humans were struggling to even survive each other. The wars, the hate born from humanity's fear of something better than them and being able to survive longer, I'm almost ashamed to call myself a human after I really saw the truth. Today, we have not changed. We still fear, hate the Faunus because we think we're better than them. But we're not. No, the only hate that should be born is the hate for injustice. Violations against basic human  & Faunus rights. To hate someone because we know who they are, and cannot stand them for more than a few seconds before vomiting on their feet. But, it's an action we should be grateful for. To know that you are hated because of who you are, not what you are." Everyone clapped at Weiss' speech as the Heiress bowed down. Noire switched with Blake since she wanted Blake to hear Weiss' words. She also put Ruby back in her body. No point in leaving her there alone, apart from Blake's mental pictures of everyone she knows,

"Well said, Weiss." Ruby said as she smiled at her teammate,

"I'm proud of you, Ms Schnee." Blake congratulated the young woman,

"Awesome stuff, Princess." Yang spoke out as she gave Weiss a thumbs-up. Weiss cleared her throat as she started speaking again,

"So, in having that and gathering what I've learned from the show, I just want say I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!" A lot of glass, both real and mental, shattered at that moment. The record screeched to a halt (Yang brought it in to add inspirational music during the speech) just as everyone stopped clapping,

"You said WHAT!?" Ruby asked, wanting to know if her ears were deceiving her. Weiss growled as she pointed at Ruby,

"I hate YOU for having so many fucked up personalities in your head!" She then turns to Blake, "I hate YOU for being an annoying, perverted bitch!"

' _Well, I love ya too, you fucking bitch._ '

"I'm Blake, Weiss!" Blake growled at the Heiress,

"Oh right." Weiss said, now correcting her mistake, "I hate YOU for  _letting_  a stupid, perverted bitch in your body, AND I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S YOUR DEAD TWIN SISTER!"

"She's not my-"

"And I hate YOU most of all!" Weiss shouted and pointed at Yang,

"What did I do!?" Yang retorted as her hair went alight,

"'What did you do'?" Weiss repeated as she laughed before shaking in anger, causing Yang's hair to snuff out, "WHAT DID YOU DO!? I remember now. YOU were supposed to check the airship schedule! YOU promised to check them the day before we were supposed to leave! It's because of you I've had to be a fucking cat girl for a day, get trapped in a closet with three other girls, get my first kiss stolen by another girl who I hate the most, destroyed a Teacher's Lounge because of a stupid argument, pooped my goddamn guts out from eating cereal 2 fucking years past their expiration date, be a fucking ghost for God's sake and possessed a body of someone I hate and reading freaking minds and ate  _motherfucking Grimm_. Also, I ALMOST DIED! So basically, DROP DEAD!" Weiss finished her rant as she took heavy breaths while Yang just looked at her with a hurt expression and tears forming in her eyes,

"Get out." Ruby said quietly,

"What?" Weiss was about to say only for Ruby to get up and slam her against the wall,

"GET OUT!" Ruby shouted at Weiss, "IF YOU HATE US SO MUCH, THEN, then!" Ruby just yelled up at the ceiling and threw Weiss against another wall and started stomping out of the room,

"R-Ruby." Weiss groaned in pain as she clutched her ribs, "R-Ruby…"

"If you hate us so much, why is there even a team to begin with?" Ruby said as she stopped at the door, "Team RWBY's dead. I never want to see your fucking face again." And in a flurry of rose petals, she was gone,

"G-Guys?" Weiss tried to stand up but fell to the ground. She must've cracked a rib or something and her left arm was bent the wrong way. She tried to reach out to Yang or Blake, but they left as well, leaving Weiss to cry on the floor, broken & forgotten (AN: Thank you aceman88 for this ending).

(Completed Ending -0: Broken Up & Forgotten)

**(The Real _Real_ Ending)**

**Church** : Do whatever you want. I'm goin' home.

"That's a good idea." Weiss said as she sighed. That was enough drama for one day.

_Church starts walking away, and Tucker follows him_

**Tucker** : Hyeah, fuck this.

 **Simmons** : Sarge... Are, we fighting?

"No Simmons. No you're not. Save some bullets for tomorrow" Yang sighed.

 **Sarge** : No Simmons, I think they've had their ass kicked enough for one day. Let's leave some for tomorrow.

" _I_   _could've said it better myself_." Noire muttered, " _Whoa. Déjà vu…_ "

_Slowly fade to Caboose and Church on top of Blue Base_

**Caboose** : Church.

 **Church** : Yeah.

 **Caboose** : Ya ever wonder why we're here?

"It's one of life's greatest mysteries, huh?" Ruby said before sighing, wondering why they exist in the first place, 'Maybe we'll find out one day. Just not right now.'

 **Church** : You know Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders, and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or because they're Blue, but because ya know them, and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them, because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

 **Caboose** : ...

 **Church** : ...

Weiss coughed after the speech, "Well, that was… wise, I guess." She muttered,

"Well, at least there's a lesson in all of this." Yang said as she rubbed the back of her neck,

"Let's just all agree that to hate someone, you have to hate them personally, okay?" Ruby summarized,

" _Amen to that, Ruby-chan_." Noire said as she sighed.

 **Caboose** : I meant why are we up here in the sun, when we could be standing down there in the shade.

 **Church** : Oh. Yeah okay, let's go stand in the shade.

The girls face palmed and groaned as they shook their heads, "All that shit for nothing…" Ruby muttered, "But a lesson to take something from."

_Church and Caboose walk to the shade._

_Cut to Grif and Simmons on a cliff, with Grif watching the Blues through a sniper rifle_

"This looks familiar…" Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : What're they doing?

 **Grif** : What?

 **Simmons** : I said what're they doing now?

 **Grif** : I don't know man, talking. That's all these guys ever do, they just stand around and talk.

 **Simmons** : ... What're they talking about?

 **Grif** : You know what? I hate you.

 **Simmons** : Yeah. I hate you too buddy.

'They're like the male versions of Ruby & Weiss.' Yang & Blake thought before they groaned.

 **Sarge** : Hey ladies, get down here! I built a new vehicle from some old Warthog parts we had laying around!

 **Donut** : It's an ATV! It's Hawhawsome!

" _Nothing stupid this time_. Like Warthog." Noire muttered,

"IT'S A PUMA!" Weiss & Yang shouted,

"WARTHOG!"

"PUMA!"

" **WARTHOG**!"

" **PUMA**!"

"ENOUGH!" Ruby yelled out before talking in her inside voice, "Chupathingy." The girls groaned as they nodded, agreeing to go with the name again,

'I still think it's a Warthog/Puma.' The team thought at the same time.

 **Sarge** : Front 'n' center on the double! We need help naming this thing. And nothin' stupid this time.

"Like something better than Chupathingy?" Yang said, "What? I had to ask."

_Grif and Simmons start running down to meet Sarge and Donut_

**Simmons** : I get to name this one.

 **Grif** : Why?

 **Simmons** : Because you named the last one.

 **Grif** : Hey Simmons? Just one thing.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Grif** : Shotgun!

 **Simmons** : Fuck!

"And that ends the last episode of the Blood Gulch Chronicles." Ruby said as she turned off the TV, causing the girls to relax and sigh. It was over. No more insanity. No more antics. Just peace and quiet.

For about ten seconds or so.

"So… when is Blake getting her body back?" Yang asked. She missed Blake's yellow eyes and personality and she wanted her partner back,

" _Never_." Noire said casually,

"WHAT!?" RWBY shouted out,

" _You heard what I said: Never. Forever. Until death. Bitches, I'm fucking staying_."

"Noire-chan, I love you. I really do, but GIVE ME BACK BLAKE!" Ruby yelled at her friend,

" _Pfft! I don't care. I wanna have as much fun as I want before I go back_."

"And you'll take Blake's life to have that much 'fun'!?" Weiss asked in shock,

" _If I have to, yes. It'll take a Faunus lifetime to do everything I want_."

"But what about Blake? What about your sister?" Yang asked,

" _Really believed that bullshit? Hah! You make me laugh. I'm Blake's other personality, her perverted side if you will. I'm not the spirit of her twin sister; I'm just Blake who wants to get some action. And I thought you guys were the '_ greatest team in all of Beacon history'." Noire said mockingly, " _I guess that old coot of a Headmaster makes mistakes_." Yang looked at her teammates and knew that they  _really_ wanted to murder Noire and Ruby saw in Noire's eyes Blake wanting blood too. She was about to go punch the girl when she started realizing something. All the chances. All the flirting. All the perfect moments to…

'I'm gonna regret this.' Yang thought as she walked up to Noire, "Hey Noire!"

" _What is it, Sister_?" Noire asked before Yang tilted her chin up while smirking,

"Pucker up, pervert." Yang said before she leaned in,

And seal Noire's fate with a kiss.

It was a quick one really. Nothing too special. But Yang knew, oh how she knew, what a simple kiss could do to the pervert. Yang had discovered her weakness the instant she reviewed her memories. The perfect chances to make out with Ruby. The moments where they could be doing it in the dorm room but instead searched for them outside. All the tricks, traps, everything.

She was all bark. But she had no real bite.

There was nothing coming out of Noire's mouth as she tried to process what had just happened. Yang, had kissed her. Right on the lips. Her eyes rolled at the back of her head as she collapsed onto the floor, unconscious. A few seconds later, she opened her eyes, now an amber yellow, as she stood up. Before anything could be said, Blake quickly spoke,

"Ruby is in my head."

Weiss & Yang turned to Perverted Ruby, who was blushing madly but not in a coma. Time to change that, 'I hate myself.' Weiss thought as she walked up to Perverted Ruby, "Ruby…"

"Wh-What?" Ruby said, starting to panic, "I-I-I was joking! Y-Yeah! W-W-We're all fr-friends, an-and friends don't k-k-kiss each other! Please don't please don't please don't!"

"This, is from Season 1." Weiss said as she grabbed Ruby's collar,

And broke her.

Blake acted fast as Ruby's mind overloaded as Weiss pushed her away. Blake activated the powers Noire gave her and grabbed Ruby's head and started transferring Ruby back into her body. After a few seconds, she let go as they both fell down, with Weiss & Yang doing the same afterwards. The RWBYs laid on the ground with their heads near each other, all of them heavily breathing as they tried to calm themselves down from the events.

It was over.

"So." Ruby said, now awake and back to normal, even just temporarily, "We shall never speak of this again."

"Yep." (Weiss)

"Definitely." (Blake)

"Amen." (Yang)

And with that, they fell asleep, tired from everything that's happened… so far.

(Next day)

Everything was back to normal, well at least as normal as it can get. Blake was back and washing away all the sins Noire has committed, Weiss was training as hard as she could, Yang was wandering around Beacon, and Ruby was on the roof top, looking at the morning sky while her cloak fluttered in the wind. Everyone sighed at the same time as they all looked up. Noire was gone, the Phases were suppressed for a little bit and the girls were finally at peace. But they wondered how long it would last. Hell, the maximum was at least a week and that was on the first week of being trapped, but they still had hope and that's all that mattered. Ruby sighed again as she rubbed her skull, "You okay, sis?" Yang asked from behind the Rose, causing her to jump a little, "Sorry."

"It's okay." Ruby said as she sighed and looked up at the sky, "I'm fine Yang."

"Really? Then do you mind explaining this?" Yang then held up Crescent Rose, "You take Crescent Rose everywhere, Ruby. Why did you leave it behind?"

"I don't feel like carrying it." Ruby answered. It took a few seconds before Ruby snatched her baby back, causing Yang to giggle, "Oh shut up."

"Sorry," Yang chuckled before she went into her other pocket and pulled out a white rose petal with dried blood on it, 'Nah… I'll ask her about it later. I just want to enjoy the moment right now.' Yang thought as she put it back and joined Ruby at sky gazing, "Nice, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Ruby whispered to Yang as she sighed, "When will things get back to normal Yang?"

"Either when the summer ends or we die." Yang answered as they both sighed,

"It's gonna be a lllloooonnnngggg summer, huh?" Ruby said as she chuckled, "But we'll go through it together, right?"

"Yep." Yang said as she smiled at her adopted sister, "So… what do we do now?"

"I don't know." Ruby said as she laid down on her back and looked at the sky, "The future isn't exactly set in stone after all and there's still a lot more stuff we have to get through." Yang joined her as they stayed quiet for a few seconds before Yang quickly sat up,

"Oh! That reminds me! Blake found something on the Season 5 DVD, a Mini-Series. It's called Recovery One. Weiss was begging me to get everyone together and watch it. Wanna come? We've got popcorn~" Ruby thought for a moment before shaking her head,

"I think I've had enough Red vs Blue for a while." Ruby explained herself, "You guys go on without me."

"Okay…" Yang muttered as she stood up, "Enjoy the sky."

"Enjoy the show Yang." Yang scoffed,

"What!? Pfft! As if!" Yang said as she walked away,

"You keep telling yourself that, Sister!" Ruby shouted back,

"GOD DAMN IT!" Yang shouted from the stairwell. Ruby laughed as she looked up at the sky and wondered about the question that plagued her mind.

We are they here?

Is it because of a simple twist of fate or was it because of a simple error? Ruby pondered about how they got here first instead of the why, trying to reverse engineer the situation. She sighed as she had no idea how to do that but she did know this.

It happened.

It's a part of her life now.

And there was no use changing it. Fate was fate. And well, she didn't exactly believe in fate. And if it did, fate would be her bitch. So, right there on the rooftop, she decided.

If fate got her stuck in Beacon with her friends, she may as well enjoy it. And it's all going to start from three simple words.

Red vs Blue

And hell, if she was going to be stuck in Beacon for a whole summer, she better start making some good memories.

"Save some popcorn for me guys!"

So, it was decided. Team RWBY knew it was going to be a long summer. But what they didn't know was that it was going to be a life-changing one.

And they were going to enjoy every single minute.

"I'M NOT SISTER BLAKE!"

When they aren't killing each other.

(Completed Ending S: And the Story Continues…)

(Achievement Unlocked: Halfway There… 500G)

-Reach Chapter 43: The Battle-

And the insanity continues. May God have mercy on their souls. And their minds. Definitely their minds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	44. Mini-Series: The Recovery (Recovery One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER! All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Blake was having a good day. Noire was gone. Her body was hers again (after some thorough cleaning). And world just seemed just a little… brighter. Maybe it was because her mind was a very dark place or that she missed the outside world but today Blake walked with a skip in her step as she walked around Beacon, enjoying the smells and sights she missed greatly. She remembered that she & Ruby spent the rest of the day yesterday catching up on the episodes and it was peaceful for once. There was no arguing, no fights, just her and Ruby watching Red vs Blue together in silence while making the occasional comment.

And it was boring as hell.

Don't get her wrong. She enjoyed the show (now that she would admit it out loud to her teammates) but she was used to all the antics that happen during their viewings and it was entertaining to see some interactions with the different Phases of Ruby with Weiss & Yang. Maybe it was the Cabin Fever or the fact that she was with her friends but she knew one thing.

Nothing was normal anymore. They've changed.

For better or for worse, she didn't know. All she knew was that they couldn't turn back now and just keep going. Anyway, when she was done exploring Beacon she decided to start the 6th book in Ninjas of Love series. She went back to the dorm, laid on her bed, pulled out the book and started reading. As she read, she couldn't help but glance at the TV in the middle of the room. They never bothered to put it back since they were too lazy to and it was a drag to return back to the Teacher's Lounge, 'We'll probably get a massive bill for that.' Blake thought as she focused back on the book. It was nice & quiet for a good few minutes before Blake sighed, bookmarked the page she was on and got off her bed. She set the TV back up and put the Season 5 DVD into the DVD Player and turned the TV on. She played around in the menu, finding a few Easter Eggs like Sheila's Sexy Adventures, 'I can't wait to use this on Yang.' Blake thought as she grinned evilly before seeing something in the Extras menu, "What the…" Suddenly, the door burst open behind her,

"Have you ever had the feeling you've been missing something  _really_  important?" Yang asked. The feeling has been bugging her for a good feel weeks now and she isn't sure why,

"No. And even if I did I would find it eventual-" Weiss then stopped as she saw Blake looking at the TV, "What are you doing?"

"Check this out." Blake answered. The two shrugged and walked up and looked at the screen,

"What the heck is a 'Recovery One'?" Weiss asked as she narrowed her eyes, "It says here it's a Mini-Series." She then turned to the others, "Wanna watch it?" Yang & Blake looked away,

"I don't know. The last Mini-Series caused the whole Noire situation and Perverted Ruby." Yang said as everyone in the room shuddered, "That wasn't fun."

"Yang, it was your fault that happened." Weiss said, as if it was a fact. Yang frowned at the Heiress,

" _My_ fault?  _I_ didn't go all smoochy smoochy in the first place!" The Brawler retorted. There were sparks between Team Puma as they glared at each other,

"It's your fault!"

"No, it's your fault!"

"Your fault!"

"Your fault!"

"Your fault!"

"Your fault!"

"Your fault!"

"Your fault!"

"GIRLS!" Blake shouted, interrupting the argument, "Who the fuck cares! It happened! And in my opinion, it's both of your faults!" Blake then cleared her throat as she calmed down, "So everyone calm down and apologize or else I'll rip your throats out with my bare hands." Yang & Weiss looked at each other before apologizing, "Now, what do we do?"

"Isn't it obvious? We watch Recovery One." Weiss answered as she took a seat, "Yang, go and get Ruby. I think she's on the rooftop." Yang nodded as she went out to grab Ruby. Blake took this moment to ask why, "Well, it's part of the story and if we leave this out we might be leaving something very important out and we might get confused."

"You just want to watch more Red vs Blue, don't you?" Blake said with a smirk. Weiss blushed a little before nodding yes. After a few minutes, Yang came back,

"Ruby said to go on without her." Yang told Weiss & Blake as she sat down, "I can't blame her. It has been a rough few weeks."

"Oh well. I'll tell her about it when she's ready to watch more." Weiss said after she sighed before picking up the remote, Blake then remembered something Noire did while she was in her body and mentally smirked,

"Well,  _Sister._ I guess Ruby just needs a break so she can recuperate." Blake said as she started counting down in her mind,

"Yeah, she d-" Yang paused as she repeated the sentence Blake had just said, "…I'M NOT SISTER, BLAKE!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Sister." Blake said with an eye roll before she chuckled at Yang's angry face, 'Thanks Noire.' Blake thought before reminding herself Noire wasn't in her mind anymore. Weiss giggled before she turned to the TV and pressed…

"I'M HERE!" Ruby yelled as she tumbled through the door, landed on her feet before jumping up in the air, do a few twirls and landed on her chair while snatching the remote off Weiss. Yang gave her a 10. Blake gave a 9.8. Weiss gave a 9.1, earning a Boo from Yang, "Did you save some popcorn?" Ruby asked, a little out of breath from using her Semblance to get to the dorm in time. She looked at the table and saw there was no popcorn, "Aw…"

"Don't worry, we'll get some popcorn after the first part, okay?" Blake said. She smiled when Ruby nodded, "Okay, are we gonna start this thing or not." Ruby and her team then turned to the TV dramatically,

"The Battle of Noire is finally done! Now it's time for a Mini-Series! Recovery One!" Ruby declared, 'Hey, that rhymed.' Ruby thought as she pressed play.

**(Recovery One)**

_Fade in on a dead red body and a dead blue body._

"What a cheery sight." Weiss muttered sarcastically. Right there they knew it was going to be another drama filled Mini-Series like Out of Mind.

_In comes a soldier in dark armor with yellow highlights who leans down over one of the bodies and starts fidgeting, causing a green glow to emanate upon him_

**Voice** : Prime display activated. Restoring functions.

"Wait a minute, isn't that…" Blake started.

_The voice is revealed to be an A.I._

**A.I.** : Hello, how may I be of assistance to you?

"Delta!" RWY exclaimed,

"Wait, I thought Delta was supposed to be deleted after York, bless his soul, died." Ruby reminded the team,

"A glitch, maybe. His armour must be a good few years old and something is bound to malfunction." Weiss guessed,

 

 **Soldier** : Instruction: identify yourself.

"Wait a minute... yeah, hold on. Holy shit, that's Professor Ozpin!" Blake pointed out. The girls just looked at her like she was crazy, "What?"

"Um… Professor Ozpin doesn't sound like that." Weiss said,

"Yeah, he's more fatherly and warm while this guy, he sounds like he's seen some shit that could really mess with you for the rest of your life." Yang added. Blake was about to go further but the girls just wrote it off.

This guy was not Ozpin. Not by a long shot.

 **A.I.** : Executing; I am intelligence program Delta, as created for the special operative program Freelancer. I have been assigned to agent Foxtrot Twelve. Or, York. My assignee was recently killed in combat.

"Isn't that obvious." Yang muttered as she rolled her eyes, "But I guess it can't be helped."

 **Soldier** : I noticed. Hold on.

_Radio sounds_

**Soldier** : Come in, Command. This is Recovery One. I've located the Delta A.I. He appears intact.

"So this guy is Recovery One." Weiss muttered, "And from what the name implies, he's a guy who recovers equipment, specifically A.I."

 **Command** : This is Command, we need a full inventory of the carrier's equipment before it's decommissioned.

 **Recovery One** : Why do you need that?

 **Command** : Recovery One, please respond to the directive. Perform a complete inventory.

 **Recovery One** : Roger Command. Recovery One out. Delta, instruction: run a full system diagnostic, with detail on armor components, analyze inventory.

"That's… kinda odd." Blake spoke up, "He's treating Delta like tool. York, Tex, Wyoming and even the BGC treated O'Malley and Gary like they were human even though they were evil."

"Maybe that's what Freelancers see as A.I. Tools. I guess when you spend enough time with them, they're basically human to you." Weiss commented, "But it doesn't mean you have to like them."

"Wait, what the hell does BGC mean?" Yang asked,

"You know, 'Blood Gulch Crew'. It's better than saying the Reds & Blues because there are multiple Red and Blue teams." Blake answered, "What? Isn't it obvious?"

 **Delta** : Executing, result: all components present. Armor at 70% peak capacity.

 **Recovery One** : Not bad for an old locksmith. Hey, need you to start a countdown for me. One hundred on the clock.

"A countd-He's blowing up York's body!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"That is just sick and wrong…" Yang muttered as she shook her head,

"I can't blame him. The equipment York has must be very high-tech and Command doesn't want it in the wrong hands. It's very common for the military to destroy equipment they can't use." Blake said, "But at least take the body out of the armour. This is just disrespectful, to the person's life, his family and friends."

 **Delta** : Initiating. One hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eight. May I make an inquiry?

 **Recovery One** : Go ahead.

 **Delta** : Why was I not destroyed?

 **Recovery One** : What?

 **Delta** : When an assignee is killed in action, protocol dictates that all intelligence programs be destroyed.

 **Recovery One** : Yeah that's what they told me at first too. But you were encrypted until you could be recovered. I'm here to recover you.

"Why would they do that?" Yang asked,

"Well, it's possible that A.I are very valuable and there's no point in destroying them as they could turn the tides of a war. By encrypting them, it'll be basically useless to anyone else but the ones who created them." Weiss answered.

 **Delta** : Recovery carries risk. Destruction ensures that an A.I. will not fall in to enemy hands.

"But it also means it won't be in allied hands as well." Blake said.

 **Recovery One** : Are you complaining?

 **Delta** : Not at all! Just noting a discrepancy.

 **Recovery One** : What do you want from me guy? You cost a lot of money, okay? It's cheaper to recover you than it is to delete you. Go bitch to the accountants.

"Someone's being a Mr. Grumpypants." Ruby said, "Also, there are three deleted now thanks to the ship exploding so you're still two in the hole."

 **Delta** : If I have offended you, I do apologize.

 **Recovery One** : Yeah, I'm all busted up about it. Now, store yourself in a portable component, okay? I'm moving you.

 **Delta** : You could insert me in to your own A.I. slot. I do not show it as occupied.

 **Recovery One** : I don't think so.

"I would say something about it being perfectly safe but after five seasons worth of A.I-caused problems and situations I can't really blame him." Yang said as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Delta** : If you are having difficulty, I can walk you through the implantation procedure.

 **Recovery One** : I don't do that.

 **Delta** : Are you Agent Washington?

"Agent Washington?" RWBY repeated,

"Weird name we've never heard of, an agent, professional, and kind of a dick…" Weiss listed off, "All the characteristics of a Freelancer." Suddenly Weiss shivered,

"What's wrong?" Ruby asked,

"I-I don't know." Weiss answered as she rubbed her head, 'I feel like… I'm going to rip someone off again…'

 **Recovery One** : That's me.

 **Delta** : Then I understand. You had, difficulties with your assigned A.I. unit.

'What does Delta mean by "difficulties" specifically?' Blake thought, 'What happened?'

 **Washington** : Difficulties? Yeah, I suppose that's a word.

 **Delta** : In that case, I must insist that you terminate my program. Destruction ensures that an A.I. will not fall in to-

"Yeah, yeah, we get it, are you suicidal or something?" Yang asked,

"No, he's just doing the most logical option." Weiss said.

 **Washington** : Look, Delta, just relax. I don't think you're in any danger of getting hijacked by one of the four dead guys here with us.

 **Delta** : Three.

 **Washington** (& RWBY): What?

 **Delta** : My sensors indicate only three inert human forms. Yourself and one other remain active.

"That could be bad." Blake muttered.

 **Washington** : Wha-

_Several rifle rounds shoot past Washington's head_

"Really,  _really_ bad!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Washington** : Huh!

_Washington starts running_

**Washington** : Great, thanks for telling me!

 **Delta** : I suggest you return fire.

"Thank you O.A.I!" Yang said as she mockingly saluted,

"O.A.I?" Blake repeated, confused,

"Obvious Artificial Intelligence." Yang answered, "What? Isn't it obvious?"

 **Washington** : Ya think?

_A plasma grenade lands at Washington's feet_

**Washington** : Son of a-!

_Washington and a white soldier run past each other shooting, and Washington comes up dry_

"I guess Wyoming came back for York's equipment and Delta." Weiss guessed, "This is why equipment should be destroyed automatically."

 **Washington** : Dammit.

_The white soldier reloads, then retreats_

**Washington** : What the hell?

"I guess he has more important things to do than retrieving detonating armour." Blake said, "Like winning a war that should be long over."

 **Delta** : Perhaps he realized that York's equipment was charged to detonate. Currently T-minus four,

 **Washington** : Instruction! Storage, now!

 **Delta** : Executing.

_Delta disappears back in to York._

**Delta** : Two. One.

_Washington collects Delta and jumps off the building as York's body explodes behind him, and lands below_

The girls couldn't help but wince at the sight before looking at each other. They didn't even dare to imagine doing that a friend or each other. It was just too… hard to do. And this guy had to do this every day to his own teammates. The team just sighed and shook off the dark thoughts.

 **Washington** : Well, at least that was easier than the last one.

_Radio sounds as Washington starts jogging_

**Command** : Recovery One, this is Command, we have a Level One distress signal, immediate response necessary.

 **Washington** : I just wrapped that up, Command. I'm headed home.

 **Command** : Negative, Recovery One, this is a new signal.

"Already? How many Freelancers are there?" Ruby asked,

"A better question is: how many are left?" Yang replied.

 **Washington** : That's the fifth one this month.

"Not many, I guess." Blake said before she sighed.

 **Command** : Affirmative.

 **Washington** :  _(sigh)_  Alright, send me the coordinates.

_Washington reaches his jeep and drives off. The screen cuts to black._

**Washington** : I'm on my way.

"That was…"

"Dark." Blake finished Ruby's sentence, "Another Mini-Series where there's more drama than comedy."

"Well, maybe this is setting up for future seasons." Weiss said as she grabbed the remote,

"Whatever happens, let's just hope there's no more openings with dead bodies." Yang said as Weiss pressed play.

**(Recovery Two)**

_Fade in on a light purple soldier with a green trim standing over a dead darker purple soldier_

"Son of a-" Yang cursed before sighing, "Well, it's official. This is going to be one emotional and drama filled Mini-Series."

 **Washington** : What I don't get is the motion tracker. No one can get by one of those while they're active. You sure you don't have anything in your logs? ... South. You with me? South!

 **South** : What?

"It looks like she's in mourning." Blake muttered.

 **Washington** : I need you to concentrate, South. Okay? I know he was your brother, but the sooner I can piece together what happened, sooner we can track this guy.

The sisters' eyes widened as they looked at each other. Ruby hugged Yang while the blonde comforted her, "Give the chick a minute." Blake said as she shook her head sadly, "She's in grief. Just one minute to let it out."

 **South** : Right, uh, sorry.

 **Washington** : Don't sweat it. Now, your logs. Nothing?

 **South** : No, not even a ping.

 **Washington** : And you didn't hear anything.

 **South** : I heard him- I heard him scream. I came around the corner, and then, ...nothing.

"T-Th-That, I-I can't, I do-don't." Yang couldn't form a sentence as she kept comforting Ruby. She didn't want to say anything, fearing that it would just make her feel worse.

 **Washington** : You mean you didn't see the attacker?

 **South** : No, I mean nothing. I heard him scream, I headed towards him, and then suddenly you're standing over me asking me if I'm alright and telling me my brother is dead.

"She must've been knocked out by whoever attacked her brother." Weiss guessed, "I don't give shit if it's real or not, I want whoever did this dead."

 **Washington** : Yeah. You were out about eight hours. North's armor started a level one distress and they got me here stat.

"First York then Tex, Junior and Shelia and now this North guy. Everyone's dying this week." Yang said as she sighed sadly,

"Please don't say 'Dying'." Ruby said as she rubbed her eyes and wiped away a few tears, 'I want the old Red vs Blue back.'

 **South** : Yeah...

 **Washington** : Level one, South. Something you wanna tell me?

 **South** : I'm sure you already know.

 **Washington** : I need you to confirm it.

 **South** : He still had Theta.

"Another A.I? I thought they were expensive." Blake muttered. Some things weren't adding up.

 **Washington** : Well I didn't find Theta on him, South. Did you take it?

 **South** : No, I don't have it.

"Whoever killed North must've taken Theta before he left." Yang guessed, "But why didn't this guy kill South as well? She's… better off being with her brother."

 **Washington** : Do you still have yours?

 **South** : No Wash, I never  _had_  one. I was in the implant group behind you, remember? And after what happened to you,  _nobody_  got any more.

"Probably for the better." Ruby said, "That explains why they started removing A.I." She then remembered that Tex said that they were deleting A.I, but she just guessed that some A.I were meant to be destroyed.

 **Washington** : Don't sound so bitter.

 **South** : Of course not. Bitter wouldn't win the war, right?

"A lot of sweet will with a hint of sour." Yang added before hearing her stomach growl, 'Well, after this, off to the kitchen for me.' She thought.

 **Washington** : ...I have to take care of your brother now, South. You might not want to watch this part.

 **South** : Can I, have a few minutes alone with him first?

 **Washington** : You can have one minute.

"That's just cold." Blake muttered as she shook her head, "But you can't be too safe. The guy who killed North might be around."

 **South** : I guess I should say thank you.

 **Washington** : I guess you should get busy. Your minute's already started.

"If it was anyone else, give me a year." Yang said.

_Washington walks away, but not too far, and we hear radio sounds_

**Command** : This is Recovery Command responding secure.

 **Washington** : Command, this is Recovery One.

 **Command** : Hello Wash, we have you secure, go ahead.

 **Washington** : I'm on the scene.

 **Command** : What's the status of the twins?

 **Washington** : North is KIA. South is still functioning.

"A nice way of saying North is murdered and South is in grieving." Ruby said coldly.

 **Command** : What is the status of North's A.I.?

 **Washington** : You guys knew he had Theta?

"What's up with Command? Why all the lies? What the fuck are they doing?" Weiss asked, starting to get ticked off by all the deceit in this military.

 **Command** : Recovery One, please respond to the previous inquiry, what is the status of the artificial-

 **Washington** : It's not here, okay? It's gone. This one's gone too.

"How many A.I did they lose? And what the hell is killing all these Freelancers?" Blake asked,

"It took a fucking bomb to kill Tex. Tucker only killed Wyoming due to him being immune to the resets. And now there's this guy killing Freelancers like flies and taking their A.I. What is happening?" Ruby said, unable to comprehend how all these men & women dying like it was nothing. It was horrible.

 **Command** : Understood. Please wait for directive. ... Find out what you can, clean up the agent, and report back.

 **Washington** : Already on it.

 **Command** : The whereabouts of Theta are top priority, Recovery One, you of all people do not need to be reminded.

"How about the lives of other Freelancers!" Yang shouted, "You're letting them die, you fucking pricks!" It took Blake & Weiss to calm her down before continuing the episode.

 **Washington** : No. You're right. I don't need to be reminded of anything.

 **Command** : The mission is now Level Zero.

"That doesn't sound good." Weiss said. She didn't entirely understand the different levels but all she knew was that Level Zero was something no one wanted to hear.

 **Washington** : What?

 **Command** : We need a full recovery of the current incident.

 **Washington** : Are you serious?

"I don't think they're messing around to say something like Level Zero." Blake muttered, "And it sounds like Agent Washington doesn't want to do it."

 **Command** : Recovery One, please confirm the previous directive. ... Recovery One please confirm you're now level zero, you are ordered-

 **Washington** : Yeah. I got it.

_Washington walks back up to rejoin South_

**Washington** : Time's up. I'm sorry.

"Give her a bit longer. I would need more than a minute to look at the last sight of a loved one." Ruby admitted.

 **South** : I always thought, being a twin was, a hard thing.

"Try not having much of a family to begin with." Yang muttered angrily before calming down.

 **South:** Everyone always finds a way to put you together. It's like you're not considered two people. Even when we were kids, our parents dressed us alike, and when we joined up and got sent to the program, they stuck us together.

"Well, people do expect twins to have a very close relationship and be able to work well as a team." Weiss said, "But, not all twins are like that. Have you ever heard of evil twins?"

"Don't. Start." Blake growled as she glared at Weiss. She did the smart thing and moved away.

 **South:** People thought we were special somehow I suppose. I used to hate that. All I ever wanted was to have my own life. And here I am now, just wondering how I'm gonna live without him.

"Maybe the best way to do that is to live out your life." Ruby suggested, "Quit the military and live like a normal person."

"Why that?" Yang asked,

"Because… I would do that too."

 **Washington** : Yeah.

_Washington raises his pistol at South's head and fires as the screen cuts to black._

*Gasp* "That's what Level Zero is!?" The RWBYs exclaimed,

"Fuck it, COMMAND SUCKS DICK!" Yang shouted, "THEY SUCK SO MUCH DICK, THEY SUCK DICK AT SUCKING DICK!"

 **Washington** : I wouldn't go worrying about that if I were you.

"Yeah, worry about the assholes who DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT HUMAN LIFE!" Weiss shouted before calming down and passing the remote to Blake, "I don't think I can handle this much drama…"

"It was all shits and giggles in the first five seasons and now  _this_!? It's just all too sudden." Yang muttered,

"Something tells that we're going to be in for an interesting 5 seasons." Ruby said as she rubbed the bridge of her nose,

'We need a fucking break. I don't care what, please God give us a break.' Blake thought as she pressed play.

**(Recovery Three)**

_Fade in to Washington standing over North and South_

**Washington** : You're dead now. Remember that.

"Of course she's dead you fu-" Weiss interrupted Yang by raising her hand,

"Wait for it."

 **South** : ( _getting up_ ) I don't understand any of this. And my ears are still ringing from that shot you fired.

"He shot his gun to trick Command and get South off the active list so Command won't hunt him & her down. Smart." Blake said, impressed. It was simple but it was one of the most effective strategies to use when you're going to defect. Blake considered that when she needed out of the White Fang but settled for the good, old fashion "Betray and Run".

 **Washington** : It had to sound good for the radio. One second, I need to talk to somebody.

 **Delta** : Hello, how may I be of assistance?

 **South** : What, is that your A.I.? I thought it killed a-

 **Washington** : Pipe down. We don't have time for explanations.

"We want one!" Ruby exclaimed, "And what about his A.I? I specifically heard the word 'killed'."

"Maybe it caused Washington to kill his own teammate." Weiss guessed.

 **Washington:** Delta, have you been monitoring the situation?

 **Delta** : I have.

 **Washington** : Are we set here? Is she clean?

 **Delta** : Can I interpret that to mean "is South now off of Command's active register?"

"For an A.I, he is one snarky computer program." Yang commented, "I'm starting to like this guy."

"Because it's  _way_  smarter than you?" Ruby joked, only to earn a punch in the arm from Yang,

 **Washington** : Yes.

 **Delta** : Affirmative.

 **South** : W-wh- What register?

"It means Command thinks you're dead and now off their hit list." Weiss summarized in layman terms.

 **Washington** : Instruction: give me thirty on North's clock. Hold on the log.

 **Delta** : Complying. Completed.

 **Washington** : Now, log to Command and include a similar description of South's termination.

 **Delta** : That would be dishonest.

"But it'll be doing the right thing." Blake said, "Sometimes you have to work in the dark to aid the light."

 **Washington** : Yes. It would.

 **Delta** : Executing. Completed.

"That is freakishly quick, even for an A.I." Ruby commented.

 **South** : Wait a minute, w- how did you get him to lie?

"It could be a program override," Weiss guessed, "Or Delta  _wants_ to do it."

 **Washington** : There's a lot you don't know. We're moving. Delta, storage.

 **Delta** : Complying...

_Delta's avatar fades._

"And thus a Freelancer is saved." Ruby said with a breath of relief, "Finally, one that doesn't die."

"Don't be so sure Ruby." Blake said as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Washington** : Go.

 **South** : No.

 **Washington** : Excuse me?

 **South** : I am not moving an inch until you tell me what the hell is going on.

"Well he was going to leave her without explaining what he's done." Yang pointed out.

 **Washington** : Fine. Stay here with your brother then. Everyone thinks you're dead anyway. And in fifteen seconds, that will be true.

 **Delta** :  _Ten_  seconds.

"All the more reasons to escape." Ruby spoke up.

 **Washington** : No sweat off my back, just one less lie for me to live.

 **South** : Hh, well... shit.

_North's body detonates, and we fade to a view overlooking the water from atop a building with sounds of controlled rifle firings_

**Delta** : I have been monitoring the comm channels.

 **Washington** : Try again. I need you as accurate as possible if you're going to cover me.

"Be safe or be sorry." Blake muttered.

 **Delta** : Still no activity to indicate that Command suspects South is still alive.

 **Washington** : Good. That means we're clear.

"Don't be so sure Wash. Things happen that might screw you over." Weiss said.

 **Delta** : As much as you can be. And I would prefer if you did not use the word "we".

 **Washington** : Hyeah, h- okay Delta. I promise to take the fall if we get caught.

 **Delta** : ...

"You said the 'W' word~" Yang sang out.

 **Washington** : Right, sorry. If I get caught.

 **Delta** : Thank you.

 **Washington** : Now, South.

_South stops firing at pylons_

**Washington** : I need you to test something.

"That's never a good sentence." Ruby said, wincing at every time those words were used on her. Mostly by Penny. Those weren't very pleasant experiences. She still had the scars to prove it.

 **Delta** : I have concerns about our next action. Agent South never rated for something like this.

 **South** : Rated for what? What have you gotten me involved with?

 **Washington** : I didn't get you involved in anything. It did when it came after your brother.

"It's all about revenge, huh?" Yang muttered before looking up at the screen with red eyes, "I wouldn't mind getting the bastard myself."

 **Delta** : Agent Washington believes that something is hunting the Freelancers one by one.

'Oh dear God…' the team thought as they shook their heads. Something out there was hunting other humans like they were animals. And from what they've seen about the Freelancers, the thing hunting them down is either insanely strong, or insanely smart. Or both. The girls didn't want to imagine someone that insane.

 **Washington** : In the last month I've been ordered to the sites of five different dying Freelancers in an effort to recover their intelligence programs.

 **South** : Why you?

 **Delta** : Agent Washington's experience with the Epsilon program makes him a primary candidate for recovery.

 **South** : Epsilon? Epsilon went insane and killed itself inside his head! And from what I heard from the other recruits, he went nuts himself. Weren't you certified Article Twelve after that? Unfit for duty.

"And of course, they send the crazy guy after something insanely strong!" Weiss exclaimed before she sighed, "What is wrong with this military?"

"I don't know. Wash has been cool and collected the whole time. Maybe they were just rumours." Blake guessed, "But an A.I committing suicide in your mind… I'm surprised he's even like that."

 **Washington** : The people who certified me were the same people that uncertified me. Which, once they needed me, they did. Funny how the system works.

 **Delta** : In either case, he is the logical choice. It is highly unlikely Wash would attempt to steal an A.I. for his own purposes.

"I… guess that makes sense." Yang spoke up, "Sending out a guy they know wouldn't even think of putting an A.I into his brain to recover A.I."

 **Washington** : Every Freelancer I've seen in the last four weeks has had three things in common: their A.I. was missing - but Delta here was left somehow; I think that was a fluke.

 **Delta** : My assignee was killed in an unrelated firefight.

"Born from revenge and a favour." Ruby added.

 **Washington** : The agents were also dead, but for some reason you were left alive. And I wanna know, why that is.

 **South** : You said three things. What's the third one?

 **Washington** : During training, what enhancement did you get?

 **South** : My armor enhancement? I can make a domed energy shield. Why?

"I don't like where this is going…" Yang said as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Washington** : Can you do it now?

 **South** : Sure I h- wait a second-

 **Delta** : The third thing they all had in common was that their enhancement was removed.

 **Washington** : Just like yours. The Freelancers are being killed, South. And someone, or something, is stealing their A.I. and enhancements.

"So it's something wanting more power and since armour enhancements need A.I to help them run, it'll steal them as well. And I don't think those Freelancers were willing to give up their stuff." Blake summarized, 'Everyone wants more power these days…'

 **Delta** : And now Agent Washington is trying to escort us back to headquarters as quickly as possible-

 **Washington** : No. I'm not.

 **Delta** : Excuse me?

 **Washington** : We don't need to. I've been following the trail of this thing for a while now. But once I got you Delta that changed. Now we're the ones being followed. South being left alive was nothing more than bait to slow me down. This thing has already killed four different Freelancers, South.

"And with her brother dead, I guess it's time to take this thing down before it kills more, gets even more powerful and becomes unstoppable." Ruby said, "And maybe a little revenge would be nice."

 **Delta** : All agents with higher battle ratings than Wash.

 **Washington** : Yes, thank you for pointing that out Delta.

"I don't think he's very thankful…" Yang muttered, "I mean, he doesn't stand much of a chance unless he has some help."

 **Washington:** I'm not going to be able to take it out by myself. Someone has to help me, protect Delta as well.

 **Delta** : I see now. That is why you want me to implant in South.

 **South** : Excuse me? In who?

 **Delta** : The only way to properly protect me in combat is to integrate me in to your armor. Agent Washington will not allow me to do that.

 **Washington** : And somebody has to.

"But that'll put South at risk of joining her brother." Weiss pointed out, "Why can't they just delete Delta already and run away!? Recovering them is causing more trouble and that thing  _will_ find where ever Command is storing the A.I."

"Yeah, why can't they set off an emp!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"Yeah, an emp should really fuck with this thing." Yang agreed,

"It's E.M.P." Weiss & Blake corrected,

"Emp."

"E.M.P."

"Emp!"

"E.M.P!"

" **EMP!** "

" **E.M.P!** "

"GIRLS!" Ruby shouted, "For the love of God, THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE THE WHOLE CHUPATHINGY THING AGAIN! SO SHUT UP AND WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW!" After that, the girls sat down and resumed the episode,

'I still think it's an emp/E.M.P.' They thought.

 **South** : I can't, a-I haven't been rated for implantation.

 **Washington** : Well, make up your mind quickly. It's here.

 **Delta** : My motion sensors-

 **Washington** : Are going to be useless. South, get Delta in your head now, and flank left. We have to stand against this thing here-

_A rocket sails over Wash's head and hits the wall behind him_

"Uh, thing's here!" Yang called out, "And really,  _really_ pissed."

 **Washington** : Move!

_South approaches Delta_

**Delta** : I should warn you: the first implantation can feel a little... odd.

"Odd? Well, I suppose that's a word." Weiss said while Blake passed the remote to Yang, "So… how's the Mini-Series so far?" Everyone went quiet at that part. There was so much death, so much messed up things. By now, they were starting to miss the good ol' days of just two guys talking to each other and shooting at something on occasion. Weiss took the silence as the answer and sighed,

"Let's just get this Mini-Series over with." Yang said as she pressed play.

**(Recovery Four)**

_Fade in to an A.I. lying on the ground. Cut to Washington, inside an enclosed room._

**Counselor** : Agent Washington? Agent Washington?

 **Washington** : Sorry, what were you saying?

"Okay, so this is obviously a flashback. I'm just wondering who the hell that guy is talking to Wash." Yang commented,

"It could be his superior." Blake suggested, "Part of the guys who got him the Recovery job."

 **Counselor** : Were you thinking about Epsilon again, Agent Washington?

 **Washington** : No.

"He's… lying I think." Ruby said, recalling the A.I that was lying on the ground earlier, "That A.I from before must've been Ep-pill-son."

"Epsilon." Weiss corrected,

"Epsilon. Thanks Weiss."

 **Counselor** : What happened with Epsilon was not your fault, Agent Washington.

 **Washington** : I didn't think it was.

"You can't really do much when you're A.I self destructs as soon as it's in your mind." Yang muttered, "That must not be a fun experience."

 **Counselor** : We have safeguards for the unstable emotional patterns of an artificial intelligence. Sometimes these algorithms fail.

 **Washington** : Oh. So then it's your fault.

 **Counselor** : We prefer to think of it as no one's fault.

"That no one being the guy who created Epsilon in the first place." Ruby added.

 **Washington** : Really.

 **Counselor** : Just a possible, but rare, unfortunate outcome.

"An easy way of saying that you guys fucked up badly." Weiss said.

 **Washington** : How convenient.

 **Counselor** : Are you having new feelings about the incident?

 **Washington** : No. Just the same old feelings. You know, that I had another person in my head, and I got to experience first-hand as their mind unraveled while mixed with my own. That I still have trouble distinguishing between its disintegrating thoughts and mine. You know; the usual.

"Fun." Blake said as she winced, 'He's mental state must be really messed up.'

 **Counselor** : What about the hostility from other agents who lost out on assignments once we suspended the use of implants?

 **Washington** : What about them? Am I supposed to feel bad for them, er something?

"Dude, you should feel jealous that they weren't first." Yang stated,

"That's horrible Yang!" Weiss shouted,

"Hey, if you were in that situation and knew what was coming, what would you do? Let yourself go crazy or let another person suffer the same fate?" Weiss went quiet after that and looked down in shame, "That's what I thought."

 **Counselor** : Do you think you could work with an A.I. or another agent ever again?

 **Washington** : ... No, I don't.

 **Counselor** : Good. Then we have a job for you.

"I guess that's why Wash is perfect for the job." Blake muttered, "Unwilling to put an A.I in his head and unwilling to work in a team."

"He'd be screwed in Beacon." Ruby commented, "You need to work together or else you'll die on your first mission."

_Snap back to the present, with Washington in a firefight_

**Washington** : South! I need you out here now! Get over here right now, South! Where are you!?

_Cut to South's point of view, which is hazy and has Delta in the middle of it_

**Delta** : Keep breathing. Hearing my voice internally can be jarring, at first. I am told it helps clear the mind to concentrate on one thing.

"Uh, how about not speaking because I don't think South is dealing with it well." Weiss said as she rubbed the back of her head. She was lucky she wasn't insane as Ruby or Blake with their MPD bullshit. All she has to worry about was not becoming a ghost again and resisting the urge to kill Yang, 'She fucking did it.'

 **Delta:** May I suggest that you try-

 **South Dakota** : Will you please not talk for a second, that might help!

 **Delta** : Technically, I am not talking.

"It's noise to her brain, just shut up and let her get used to it!" Yang exclaimed.

 **South** : Delta. Please!

 **Delta** : My apologies.

 **South** : Okay, I'm feeling better.

 **Delta** : Remember to keep breathing.

"You know, to stay alive and hopefully not die from the horrible monster out to get you." Ruby said, "No pressure."

 **South** : Yes, I'll keep that in mind. How many enemies?

 **Delta** : I do not detect any on my sensors. But the gunfire would indicate that we are facing only one. This is an atypical enemy. I can offer no advice.

"So… they're screwed, aren't they?" Blake guessed.

 **Washington** : South, I need you out here now!

 **South** : I'm on my way!

 **Delta** : I have functions that could assist in battle. Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

"How about after a battle when you're not a big fat target." Weiss said sarcastically.

 **South** : Are you kidding me?

_South arrives behind Wash at a building's corner, under fire_

**South** : Wash, I'm here.

 **Washington** : Good, I need help on the left. This guy moves fast, so keep your eyes open. South, you okay?

 **Delta** : She is experiencing difficulty with my presence.

"Understatement of the century." Yang muttered.

 **Washington** : How difficult?

 **Delta** : Patient has trouble-

 **South** : I'm fine! Let's get this guy.

 **Washington** : No.

 **South** : No?

"No?" The RWBYs say at the same time.

 **Washington** : See that ship?

_Cut to a parked Alien sip sitting on the edge of an incomplete ramp._

**Washington:**  You get to it and take off. Get yourself and more importantly Delta back to base. I'll cover you as best I can.

"He's risking his life to get South out of there and keep her from suffering the same fate at her brother." Blake said, "That's very noble of him."

 **Delta** : Wash, is your armor adequately compensating for your wounds?

 **South** : You're hit?

 **Washington** : Just twice, I'm fine.

"He must be really resilient to pain." Weiss muttered.

 **Washington:** Movement on twos. On my mark: sync.

 **South** : But-

 **Washington** : Sync!

 **South** : Sync!

 **Washington** : Move!

_Washington moves from cover, but South immediately shoots him in the back._

"WHAT THE HELL!?" the team shouted, "SON OF A BITCH!"

"You fucking traitorous bitch! DIE!" Yang yelled as she tried to attack the TV while her Aura ignited. Although the others were holding her back, they were very tempted to sic Yang on South if this was happening in real life.

_Washington screams in pain. Delta's color changes to red, then a dark purple._

**Delta** : Alarm! Friendly target, cease fire!

"Well, that ain't exactly Friendly Fire!" Ruby growled as she glared at South while pulling Yang back onto her seat.

 **South** : Calm down, just stacking the deck in our favor.

"'Our'!? You mean your favour!" Blake yelled.

_South steps in front of her adversary, who is glowing, changing colors, and reloading a large explosive weapon._

**South** : Listen to what I'm about to say, because you have a choice. Wash is dead. I put a timed charge on his body. So if you want his equipment you'd better get it, now. Or, you can come after us, and lose it for sure. So, what's it going to be? Chase us in hopes of beating us? Or go for the sure thing, and find us another day.

"She's selling out Wash so she could escape clean and not having to worry about the Freelancer Killer!" Ruby said as she gritted her teeth, "Fuck it, I don't care if it gets more powerful, kill her! Destroy her! Make her suffer." The girls nodded as they all thought the same thing,

'South must die.'

 **Enemy** : ( _growls_ )

That snapped them out of their thoughts about South, "Monster." They all said at the same time.

_The adversary runs off to the right_

**South** : Smart move.

"You're only delaying the inevitable." Weiss said as she tried to burn holes in South's armour.

_South flees. Radio sounds_

**South** : Come in Command.

 **Command** : Hello Recovery Two, what is your status?

"Oh fucking hell, YOU SUCK FUCKING DICK COMMAND!" Yang yelled, "LIES! LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES! WHEN WILL THE LIES FUCKING STOP!?"

"Yang may have officially snapped." Ruby whispered to Weiss, who only nodded in response.

 **South** : Mission accomplished Command. We were able to draw out the enemy, just as you projected. Sending logs now.

 **Command** : Excellent news. We'll use the data to devise a new strategy to combat it. What is the status of Recovery One?

 **South** : KIA. The enemy took him down.

"No, Not-So-Friendly Fire to the fucking spine!" Weiss shouted.

_South gets in the ship and starts slowly flying away_

**Command** : Understood. Was Wash ever aware of your efforts at any time?

 **South** : Negative. He acted exactly as the profile predicted. He even set up the encounter.

"Everything was planned from the very beginning." Yang said, finally calming down as everyone sat back down, "Just to find attack patterns in whatever is hunting the Freelancers down."

"Command sucks." Ruby could only say.

 **Command** : Return to base, we'll rate you for implantation as agreed.

 **South** : Negative.

 **Command** : Say again, Recovery Two?

 **South** : Negative. You got what you wanted, and I have my A.I. now. You won't be hearing from me again. Goodbye.

"She's even betraying her superiors. I hope whatever finds her finishes what it started." Blake said coldly.

_Cut to Washington's lifeless body lying on the ground. The enemy stands over him._

**Command** : South, you know we have other agents. We will find you, South.

_Cut to black._

**South** : It's not you I'm worried about.

"Oh, if you were real, the only thing you should worry about is us hunting you down like the Creature of Grimm you are." Ruby said as everyone nodded. After a few minutes, everything started to settle down as reality started to settle back in, "Well, um, that was…"

"Intense." Weiss finished as she leaned forward and processed everything that's happened. She turned to Blake, only to notice something sticking out of her bra, "Hey, do you stuff your bra with paper?"

"Huh?" Blake looked down and saw a piece of paper sticking out of her bra and quickly pulled it out. It was a letter to her so she opened it as everyone gathered around and read out loud what it said.

**(Noire's Five Part Ultimate Plan)**

**Step 1: Get Blake pissed enough to force me out of her body by any means necessary.**

**Step 2: Make sure she gets Real Ruby out of Blake's body (to preserve her innocence somewhat) and back into hers for Recovery One.**

**Step 3: Turn in my favour.**

**Step 4: Write down that Professor Ozpin's Scroll is in his office ready to use and his password to his Scroll is AMENDS and that the number to escape Beacon is 555-851-715** (AN: Not real) **and give to the RWBYs.**

**Step 5: Laugh at dumbstruck faces. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU GUYS LOOK SO FUCKING STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Blake, if you're reading this with the others (and I know you are), Ruby probably got her brain overloaded by now so you & the others may want to carry her into the Infirmary. Enjoy Cuddle Ruby! I'm sure she'll be a  _very_  nice person to meet. Also, tell Yang that I may have accidently did something to fuck up the Phases. All I know is that the Blake*Star-I mean, Black*Star Phase is gone. Please know that every I've done was for entertainment value, and for that I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me. And no, I won't stop being a pervert. That's what people love about me. But I will shut up more, like I'm barely there. Just like I was back in your mind Pussy. It's just... well, let's just say there will be changes. I'm not gone Pussy. Everything exists for a reason after all.**

**With Love**

**Daisy Noire Belladonna**

**(=*o*=)**

Suddenly, there was a thud behind the girls as they saw that Ruby's brain just overloaded. The conscious girls just looked at each other and the time. It was about 11pm. The girls sighed as they felt too lazy to move Ruby into the Infirmary so they decided to put her on her bunk until tomorrow where they'll put her back on her usual bed, "Well, there she goes again, like fucking clockwork." Weiss muttered as she shook her head. Yang picked up Ruby and carried her over to her bunk,

"I guess next week it's time to start the next season." Blake said as she looked at the unconscious Grimm Reaper, "Hopefully we don't go nuts this time around."

"I wouldn't bet your nine lives on it if I were you, Pussy Cat." Yang spoke up after tucking Ruby in and giving her a quick kiss on the forehead,

"You're just lucky we're out of fruit." Blake growled at Yang's teasing expression,

"Ruby's next Phase is the cuddly one right? At least it won't be as bad as the others were, right?" Yang's look suddenly turned to a silent, grave look, causing Weiss to start regretting her sentences, "Right, Yang? Right?" Yang's look only worsened, causing Weiss to start worrying more, "Cuddle Ruby can't be as bad as Bitch Ruby, or Creepy Ruby? Perverted Ruby?" Yang's looked worsened to the point of no hope as rain started to fall upon the school and the sounds of distant thunder fill their ears. Weiss & Blake knew this was a bad sign so they both gulped in fear.

The apocalypse was coming.

"Pfft! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yang laughed as she pointed at the two shocked girls, "Oh my God! You two should've seen your faces! I was looking all like 'Oh no, we're in trouble' and you were all like 'We're all doomed! Doomed! Dooooooooooooooomed!' Oh man, that was freaking priceless!" When the two pranked girls snapped out of their shock, they wanted the Blonde's blood. But they resisted and only glared at her instead,

"I hate you sometimes." Blake said as she tried to burn holes in Yang's eyes. Yang finally started to stop laughing at their expense and started wiping away the tears from all the laughter,

"Sorry, but don't worry, Cuddle Ruby is practically the most normal one of her Phases, just a bit more cuddly than usual, and if you can deal with the side effects," Yang then rubbed her breasts a bit to show what happens, "Her hugs are like magic."

"Remind me if I ever become a ghost again to possess her and dye her hair poop brown." Weiss whispered to Blake. Blake just nodded in response (AN: Thank you aceman88 for the joke!). Everything was now quiet in the room as they yawned and waited for something else to happen. They weren't tired, but they felt like they were missing one little detail…

And then the bomb dropped.

(Ozpin's Office)

It finished just as fast as it begun. Yang destroyed the door to Ozpin's Office (even though it was already unlocked), Blake grabbed the Scroll and threw it to Weiss, who quickly unlocked the phone before Yang grabbed it and started punching in the number.

This was it.

Escape.

True happiness.

And it all relied on who was on the other end of the phone.

Yang pressed call.

*Ring*

*Ring*

*Ring*

*Beep*

"HELLO!?" The WBY shouted into the Scroll,

"OW! Yeash! Don't yell. Alright, UknownHero here. How may I help you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	45. JNPR-Opposites Attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes, dialogue and songs come from the wiki and are owned by RT.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"What's a UknownHero?" Yang asked into the phone. The girls were extremely confused about the name. Who names their kid UknownHero anyway?

"What are you *static* tunnel." The guy said, the static cutting off his voice, "Okay, out of the tunnel. Anyway, what kind of stupid name is UknownHero? My name's Hiro! Maybe you just misheard me." Blake raised an eyebrow before Yang passed her the phone,

"Hiro, you sound… young." The cat girl said,

"Yeah, I'm 15. Look, if this is the wrong number you're looking for I'm hanging up."

"NO!" Weiss shouted as she snatched the phone away, "We are trapped in Beacon Academy and we're fucking damn close to killing each other and my partner is in a coma, so for the love of God, DON'T YOU FUCKING HANG UP THE PHONE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SKIN YOU ALIVE!"

"Okay! I won't han-wait, did you say Beacon?" WBY looked at each other before going back to the phone,

"Yeah…" Blake answered, "Why do you ask?"

"Hold on a minute." The girls waited as they started to wonder who this person was and why Noire gave them his number, 'There has to be a reason.' They thought before they heard a very familiar voice,

"Hello?"

"PYRRHA!" They shouted, "HELP US!"

"Stop shouting!" Pyrrha yelled back before calming down, "I already have enough problems and making me deaf won't help."

"Sorry, it's just… it's good to hear someone else's voice." Yang said as they started to tear up. Finally. Contact to the outside world. They almost forgot the voices of their friends. Now, there was hope. They were going to be saved, "Hey, wait, 'problems'?"

"Uh…" Pyrrha said as she had a flashback to a few hours ago.

(A few hours earlier…)

Pyrrha needed answers.

It's been a week since they had to go street performing and Pyrrha decided she had enough. There were questions she wanted answers to but the most important question she wanted to ask was at the back of her mind until now.

How did Hiro know?

He knew about the episodes. He knew about her friends. He even knew about the secrets she's kept since she found out. And what did it have to do with the RWBYs? She started searching her memories, trying to figure out what was happening and trying to find connections.

_The others will get suspicious about me somehow getting a large amount of Lien in a short amount of time and considering that we're practically together all the time now since I'm the only one who can drive._

"Huh?" She let out. It was from a few weeks ago. She remembered that it was after they decided to be a travelling band to get back home. But, wasn't Ren driving the truck right now with Sun? This was confusing her. Then she remembered the score on the leaderboards when they first met RVIW.

_1ST) JNPR & RVIW 7,999,900_

_2ND) Super Sausage Fiesta 5,489,230_

_3RD) IBLS 4,650,000_

But she remembered the announcer saying that IBLS was behind HERO. Team HERO should've gotten third. And they didn't drop out. They stayed the whole night. She started noticing little things that didn't add up, discrepancies in multiple occasions. Wasn't there something called 'Minimum Wage', yet the guy who hired them back at the school was paying them way less? Why was there a perfectly healthy tree in the middle of the desert? Why were there so many families with names in the song 'On Your Knees'? And how did Hiro get a tour bus? What was going on?

She had to know.

"Pyrrha, are you alright?" Jaune asked, snapping her out of her thoughts, "You're sweating."

"It's nothing." She answered as she flashed him a fake smile. Jaune narrowed his eyes before shrugging, "What do you want Jaune?"

"Well, you know the concert we're going to right?" Pyrrha nodded as she went to grab some water, "Well, we found out the topic on the website."

"What is it?" She asked before drinking,

"Red vs Blue." Cue the spit take,

"WHAT!?" Pyrrha exclaimed as she caught her breath, "What did you say!?" Jaune grabbed a towel and dried off his face,

"I said Red vs Blue. Is there a problem?" Pyrrha looked down before shaking her head, "Pyrrha, you've been weird since the start of the summer. I'm your partner; you can tell me what's wrong." Pyrrha didn't want to blow her secret away since that would probably screw so many things up.

Then again, he was going to find out eventually…

"W-Well, Jaune." She started, stuttering, "The thing is th-"

"Hey guys! I wrote song! Everyone come here!" Nora shouted from the back of the bus, "C'mon guys, we can use it for the concert!"

"We're coming!" Hiro shouted from the front as he made his way to the back with Penny & Velvet in tow,

"We can save it for later." Jaune said as he followed everyone else. Pyrrha sighed before going to the back, where she found everyone (apart from Sun & Ren) there, with Nora at the center of attention with a keyboard,

"U-Um… Hiro, a-a-aren't you supposed to be driving?" Velvet asked nervously, in fear of crashing and dying,

"Don't worry. The bus has an auto drive." He answered as Nora got everyone's attention,

"Alright guys. With this song we'll win the thing for sure!" Nora declared,

"Uh… it's for a charity." Jaune reminded the Hyper Hammer Wielder,

"But we still get more income meaning we can arrive at our homes in approximately 3.5 days." Penny said,

"I still have the bet on robot." Hiro muttered before getting slapped at the back of the head by Velvet. This was another discrepancy to Pyrrha. She's never seen Velvet do that to anyone back at Beacon. Something definitely smelled fishy here and she was going to find out. One way or another. She snapped out of her thoughts when Nora pressed a button, playing of those stock beats keyboards always have.

 **Nora:** I am Blue, I'm fighting with the Red

 **Nora (deeper):** I am Red, I'm fighting with the Blue

 **Nora:** Why don't we just get together?

 **Nora (deeper):** And make ourselves a little, purple!

The song instantly stopped after Nora finished singing. In everyone's mind, they all thought, 'That's friggin' gay.' But decided to shut their mouths. They didn't want a sad Nora.

And then keyboard spontaneously combusted.

"Aw… the keyboards broken now." Nora said, a little depressed before going back to her cheery self, "So, you guys like it?"

"Uh… I'm gonna get a fire extinguisher now to put out the fire." Hiro said as he left, not wanting to say anything about Nora's abysmal attempt at a song,

"It was… unique." Velvet muttered as she looked away,

"I have no words." Jaune said as he nervously laughed a little. Pyrrha decided it was better not to say anything,

"That was spectacular, Friend Nora!" Penny exclaimed as she hugged other orange hair girl, "We should definitely use your song for the concert!"

"NO!" Everyone (And I do mean  _everyone_ ) shouted,

"We mean we're not using it! It's not the right time and we should save it for something else!" Hiro quickly lied as he beat the fire with the extinguisher (literally. He smashed it along with the keyboard), 'Like a torture device.' He mentally added, "Anyway, I'm sure me & Jaune can find a few songs. Right?"

"Uh… yeah right!" Jaune quickly said, "Let's go and find them, right now."

"Let's." Hiro said as they went to the front of the bus,

"We're gonna practice now. Come on Penny!" Velvet said as she pulled the possibly robotic girl away and to some other part of the bus. Pyrrha, still not saying anything, just left to do some thinking.

Nora assumed those answers meant she was awesome at song writing.

(Some time later…)

"You what!?" Pyrrha quietly shouted into her Scroll. Right now, JNPR & RVIW were at the benefit concert and were getting ready to sing their songs. It was the usual set up for the JNPRs. Jaune was playing the bass, Pyrrha was on guitar, Ren on keyboard and Nora on drums. Hiro was playing the guitar, Velvet doing the same as Hiro, Penny on bass who would switch to a double layered keyboard, which had a few different sounds installed, when the time was right and Sun on drums. Everyone was singing. Anyway right now, Pyrrha  _really_ wanted to murder someone, "You sent them out to  _what_!?"

" _I had to_." Duster said, " _The secret cannot be revealed. So far their efforts have been for nothing but we'll get 'em eventually_."

"But did you really have to involve the  **White Fang** to do that!?"

"Pyrrha, hurry up, RVIW's going up!" Nora called out. Pyrrha quickly cursed before hanging up and grabbing her guitar. She got to the others as RVIW went on stage. There were a lot of people here to watch the concert, about 10,000. It was currently night time, making the lights stand out. They were mostly red and blue but there were some white lights too. Anyway, Team RVIW got ready as the people cheered for them,

"WHAT'S UP!?" Hiro shouted into the microphone, causing more cheering, "We are Team RVIW and we're doing a song that should fit. Alright! 3! 2! 1!"

 **Hiro & Velvet: **Tell me why you're here, you can walk away right now.

No would stop you, you're free to choose your own way.

Don't be afraid, of choice you make it's alright…

Questions remain; they will linger on like memories.

Were you right to…

Give your life to…

Someone else to run for it for?

Do you wish you…

Kept your life to…

 **Sun:** Be somebody!

 **Hiro:** Good to conquer evil!

Lies to fight the truth!

Are any of us only,

 **Penny:** Saints or sinners?

Or is it always…

 **RVIW:** Red vs Blue?

 **Hiro:** Tell me why you're here!

 **Sun:** Do even know yourself?

 **Velvet:** Do you belong here?

 **Penny:** You don't fit anywhere else…

 **Velvet & Sun: **Don't feel betrayed!

 **Hiro & Penny: **Only we can wipe the slate clean!

 **Hiro:** Does it even matter?

 **Velvet:** It only matters,

 **RVIW:** That we're here…

 **Hiro & Velvet: **Were you right to…

Give your life to…

Someone else to…

 **Sun & Penny: **Ruin it for you?

 **Hiro & Velvet: **Do you wish you…

Kept your life too…?

_(Instrumental break!)_

**Hiro:** Good to conquer evil!

 **Velvet, Sun & Penny: **Oh… oh-oh-oh…! Oh… oh-oh-oh oh-ho…!

 **Hiro:** Lies to fight the truth!

 **RVIW:** Are any of us only,

Saints or sinners?

Or is it always…

Red vs Blue!

"Thank you everyone for listening, and good night!" Hiro shouted into the microphone before the band left the stage, "Okay guys, you're up. Good luck." Hiro said before grabbing his stuff, "I have to go somewhere to meet a close friend of mine. Sun, you mind recording the performance for me?"

"Sure." Sun said as Hiro threw his camera at him, which he caught with his tail,

"Nice catch. I'll see ya guys back at the bus!" He then ran off to who knows where. Pyrrha decided to try and find Hiro after their song was done. Anyway, it was JNPR's turn now. The team went to the stage and set up before they faced the crowd. Jaune would usually be nervous with this many people seeing him but he looked at his friends and knew they would catch him when he would fall,

"We are Team JNPR and, well this is our song. Go for it, Pyrrha!" Jaune said. Pyrrha nodded and started the song that started everything.

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **Roses are Red

And Violets are Blue

One day we'll cruise down Blood Gulch Avenue

It's Red vs Red

 **Ren & Nora: **And Blue vs Blue

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **It's I against I

 **Ren & Nora: **And Me against You...

Violets are Blue

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **Roses are Red

 **JNPR:** Living like this we were already dead…

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **Hop in my car

I don't have any doors…

 **Ren & Nora: **It's built like a cat

It lands on all four…

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **My car's like a puma

It drives on all fours…

 _(Instrumental!_ )

 **JNPR:** Red vs Red

Blue vs Blue

"Thank you everyone for listening and I hope you enjoy the rest of the night!" Jaune called out before they all left the stage as the next band went on. Pyrrha started packing up her equipment before she grabbed her things and started leaving,

"Pyrrha, aren't you gonna stay for the rest of the performances?" Ren asked her on her way out,

"Sorry, but I'll meet you guys back at the bus. I'm gonna go buy some food." Pyrrha lied as she went out,

"She's being very distant lately." Velvet said as Jaune sighed,

"She is quite a distance away from us, friends. Estimated distance: 30 feet." Penny said, causing everyone present to face palm. After a few more performances, the concert was over and got their money. JNPR got the bonus money since everyone liked the song. Anyway, everyone got back to the bus and waited for their last teammate to come.

(With Pyrrha)

Pyrrha ran, trying to find the source of one of her questions, but to no avail. She saw him one minute and the next he was gone. She didn't know if she lost him in the crowd or he went in a different direction. She sighed before she started making her way to the bus.

Until she heard fighting.

Pyrrha heard the sounds of a struggle in a near-by alleyway. She had a quick flashback to when Tex and some other guy robbed her before shaking her head, 'Don't engage. Observe and escape with the information.' Pyrrha thought before making her way to the location. She hid behind a dumpster as she observed the scene. She narrowed her eyes. There were two figures fighting against a lot of people. One was taller than the other and was wielding a strange weapon, even for Hunter standards. It was a sword, but the blade was a chain with electricity flowing through it, causing it to become like a bat of sorts from what she can see. Suddenly, she heard a familiar sound.

"Wrist-Mounted Dart Launchers." Pyrrha whispered to herself, 'This is the guy who fought me.' She thought. Suddenly, one of them kicked someone out of the alleyway, 'Oh my…'

It was a White Fang member in the old uniform.

Pyrrha almost blew her cover by gasping before looking at the scene. Just as the moonlight reach its peak, it revealed many, and I mean  _many_ White Fang members that were unconscious, dying or dead. The figures were standing in the shadows so Pyrrha couldn't make out any features but she had a gut feeling who one of them were,

"You know you could've taken them on by yourself, right?" The older one pointed out. Pyrrha knew it was a woman, but she had a familiar voice. She just couldn't put her finger on it,

"I know, but it isn't very fun, is it?" The shorter one, obviously male, said as he took a few deep breaths, "Anyway, it wouldn't be interesting, huh?"

"You really have a flare for dramatics." The woman said sarcastically. Pyrrha knew she rolled her eyes in the darkness. She then saw the woman pull out a crumpled piece of paper and gave it to the boy,

"What the fuck's this?" He asked,

"It lists all your mistakes, slip-ups, you know. Stuff you should fix. You can thank my people for that."

"Yeah. Sure. Great." The boy said as he burned the paper behind his back. Pyrrha was surprised to see that he had a Semblance like Yang's. That, or he had a mini-flamethrower in his Dart Launchers, "Anyway, what do you want? I'm on a schedule here."

"You know what I want." The woman said as she opened her eyes, revealing hot pink irises, " _I'm here to turn in a favour._ "

(Present!)

"Hello… Pyrrha! Is anyone there?" Yang said, snapping Pyrrha out of her thoughts,

"I'm sorry." She quickly apologized before telling WBY why and how she ended up on a tour bus, "…and that's why we're here."

"Yeah, great story Pyrrha but we're also fucked up the ass in shit." Weiss said. Pyrrha gasped. She herself rarely swore and out of all the people she knew, Weiss was a potty mouth. Something was definitely wrong with the universe, "Hello? Pyrrha!"

"What's the problem?" Pyrrha asked,

"We're at Beacon and we can't get out. Ruby's in a coma, Weiss is going insane, my own sanity is in question after 'certain' events and we've ran out of fruit to throw at Yang for her stupid fucking puns!" Blake answered,

"Oh come on! They're n-"

"Yes they are." Everyone on the bus interrupted Yang. Even Penny. Freaking  _Penny_  thought Yang had bad puns,

"Wait, did you just say Ruby's in a coma?" Pyrrha asked,

"Yeah, it's actually becoming a bit of a routine. She would get knocked out for week after the season, we wait a week, she under goes a personality change, shit goes down, repeat. Don't worry, she's fine for the most part. As long she isn't trying to kill us…" Weiss muttered that last part. Pyrrha raised an eyebrow,

"Huh? 'Season'? What are you talking about?" She asked,

"Oh yeah! Ruby found DVDs and we're watching Red vs Blue to pass the time." Yang answered, "And Weiss is a fan girl now. Anyway, can you  _please_ get someone to help us." No response, "Hello? Hello…" Hiro picked his phone off the ground, as Pyrrha was too busy picking up her jaw off the floor,

"Um… Pyrrha's not on the phone right now. I could always call the police an-HOLY SHIT!" Hiro screamed as the bus made a giant U-Turn. Hiro went to the front of the bus to see Pyrrha driving with a crazed look in her eye, "Pyrrha! You almost fuc-"

"Shut up Hiro!" Pyrrha shouted as she turned her eyes back to the road, "We're going to Beacon! Fuck home! We're saving Team RWBY!"

"Hey, you're RWBY right?" The girls said yes to Hiro, "And you're trapped at Beacon." Again, they said yes, "Okay, we'll see ya soon." He then hung up.

(With WBY)

"'See ya soon'?" Yang repeated in a high pitched tone, "As in, they're coming?"

"Yep." Blake answered. There was nothing but silence in the room as the girls processed the information,

"…Party?" Weiss asked,

"Party. WOO! FUCK YEAH! WE'RE SAVED! WE ARE FUCKING SAVED!" Yang shouted as she gave Weiss & Blake bone-crushing hugs, "YES! YES! YES!"

"Yang. Ribs. Not surviving." Blake wheezed out. Yang looked sheepish as she let go, "Now we can cheer."

A giant 'WOO' could be heard from where the JNPRs were right now as they celebrated through the night, knowing that help was on their way. Will they get to them quick enough before they're sanity deteriorates? Will they survive until then? Well, they didn't care. They had hope and that's all they needed.

Too bad it would take another 5 weeks for them to get there.

(With JNPR)

Pyrrha had been driving all night, hoping to get to Beacon before the RWBYs found out. But she knew she would crash if she slept on the wheel so JNPR & RVIW stopped at a motel and spent the night there. Pyrrha's insomnia returned in full force, staying wide awake even past midnight where everyone else was either asleep or rutting like bunnies. Pyrrha sighed as she got out of bed and went outside to get some fresh air and some thinking time, 'Out of all people, it had to be them.' Pyrrha thought as she slammed her head against a wall, 'Don't stress Pyrrha. Just get to Beacon, destroy the DVDs and…' Pyrrha snapped out of her thoughts as she heard her Scroll vibrate from inside the room. She grabbed and went back outside before looking at the Caller ID. She sighed before answering, "What do you want Duster?"

" _Kill Hiro X Ignotis. His existence cannot continue_." Dial tone. Pyrrha just smashed her head against a railing,

"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	46. Preferable Alternatives (Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue are from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was a bright morning as JNPR & RVIW had breakfast at the motel, discussing about random stuff like video games to how they'll get the RWBYs out of Beacon. While they talk, Pyrrha was thinking, taking glances at her target. Was she really gonna do this? She knew Duster was paranoid but to get her to kill someone just as innocent as a puppy, she knew he was going crazy. There was no way in hell she would do it.

But then again, it did mean the existence of Remnant and their minds…

"Pyrrha, your pancakes are getting cold." Ren said, snapping her out of her thoughts. Pyrrha shook her head before eating a few pieces before pushing her plate away. She wasn't that hungry anyway. Pyrrha excused herself to go to the bathroom. She washed her face before looking in the mirror. She saw clear signs of lacking sleep on her face and she felt like crap. She couldn't sleep due to all the worrying about how she was going to fix everything without anybody to help her. She sighed before looking at herself in the mirror, reminding herself that she was strong and ready to combat any threat. She knew now enough was enough. She was gonna do what she should've done a long time ago. To take down the source of paranoia and forced a burden on her shoulders.

All she needed was a golden opportunity.

(A few days later at Beacon)

It was nighttime as the shattered moon shone upon the school. It was relatively peaceful. After the WBY found out about their rescue, they partied for a whole day before they had enough and went back to their daily routines. Now, it was almost a week after their call for help and two shadowy figures were conversing on the school grounds, "So, you think they're ready?" A shadow asked. It sounded male,

"I've been observing them for days. They're ready." The other shadow answered while looking at the other shadow with her pink eyes, "You have plans?"

"What do you think? I've been planning for years now." The shadow then looked at the lone window with the only light on, "They have to know, ya know?"

"And what about the future, after this."

"Plans for that too." The male shadow said as he grabbed a large crystal from his pocket. It had a small glow in the middle, "This is gonna be fun."

"Why are we doing this anyway? Why do we have to do it? It could easily be someone else."

"Like I keep telling you. Everything exists for a reason, and we are part of that philosophy. Now, do you want me to do your favour or not? I'm working triple time for you."

"Fine! Fine. Let's just go already before dawn. We don't want to get caught." The female shadow said as she looked back at the school before sighing. She saw a girl in black look out the window for a few seconds before walking away, probably back to her dorm. The female shadow could only sigh, "The things I do for my boss." She muttered before she disappeared into thin air, like she wasn't there to begin with.

(Morning!)

"So, how's it been back in the world of the living Pussy Cat?" Yang asked as she munched on some toast. Blake sighed from eating her tuna sandwich and rubbed her forehead,

"Yang, I would like just to forget about the 'event' and get on with my life." She said before going back to breakfast,

"I don't know Blake. We weren't expecting you to have this much of a… indecent side to yourself." Weiss said, taking a break from eating her apple, "Who knew Noire was… well, I don't know how to describe it."

"Let me tell you guys something." Blake said as she put down her sandwich, "Noire is something I regret making. She is a mistake. From the little time I've known her, I wanted to kill her, maim her, make her regret even existing. She took over my body at multiple occasions and had annoyed me to the point of mental breakdown. So, for future reference, she is my worst nightmare I had to endure for  _weeks_ and I don't want to even acknowledge that she existed, so shut the fuck up and let me eat my goddamn sandwich." She then picked up her sandwich and resumed her task. The others just went quiet as they went back to eating. Tensions were high as after so many weeks cut off from the outside world, they saw light at the end of the tunnel. But they were starting to question if they would ever make it to that light. Weiss got out Ozpin's Scroll and looked through it, bored as hell. Yang wanted the tension to be gone. Suddenly, her mind went into overdrive as she yelled out the first thing she could think of,

"WAFFLE!" Yang shouted out,

"What?" Weiss asked before Yang hugged before her and Blake,

"Guys, this is too much drama and we aren't having enough fun! W.A.F.F.L.E! We're All Friends, Friends Love Eachother!" Yang explained herself as she smiled,

"' _Eachother'_  is two words." Blake corrected. Yang's smile broke as she face palmed and groaned,

"Fuck." She cursed before smiling again, "Okay! Whatever! W.A.F.F.L.E.O! Let's just agree that we need to relax. Enjoy our time together. Be… happy!"

"Yang, we've been together for a month and I want to kill all of you." Weiss admitted in not a happy face,

"Just admit we're gonna die here." Blake said flatly. Yang only frowned at her,

"Blake, don't be a pessimist! We're gonna survive! JNPR will save us and…" She tried to think about something else but she gave up before getting depressed, "Who the fuck am I kidding?" She muttered, "We'll either die from suicide or kill each other. I give up." The girls then sat down where they were and banged their head on the nearest thing, "I hate us."

"We know. We us too." Weiss & Blake said at the same time. They stayed like this for a few seconds before Yang spoke up,

"…I want my Moto-kun." (Yang)

"I miss Sharkie-chan." (Weiss)

"Hentai, wherefore thou?" (Blake)

"What happened here?" The girls looked up lazily to see Ruby awake. They went back to their boring, depressed state,

"Oh. Hey Ruby." Yang said without any energy in her voice, "We're gonna die."

"I hate my life." Weiss spoke up,

"I'm too depressed to die." Blake muttered. Ruby frowned as she looked at what-was her teammates. Her charge. Her friends. It was time for her magic to get to work,

"Girls! Is this how a team from Beacon, one of the greatest schools in the world, acts like? This? Lazy, pathetic and goop!?" She said the others looked up, "No! We are RWBY! We don't give up until we die! All you guys need is just a big fat hug!"

"How is a hug gonna help us?" Weiss asked. She got her answer in form of a hug from Ruby. She was about say something but suddenly, she felt energy flow through her veins as her depression started to fade away and be replaced with calm thoughts. When Ruby stopped, she wanted more until she returned to normal, "What the hell was that?" After Ruby hugged her other teammates, Yang was able to answer,

"Well Weiss, that was the magic of Cuddle Ruby!"

"That's… kinda lame." Blake admitted,

"But you have to admit that her hugs are awesome." Blake just nodded as the girls sighed dreamily,

"Now, with that out of the way, let's start the next season." Weiss said as she made her way to the dorm,

"Hey, Ruby? How many hugs do you have in you?" Blake asked as they walked out of the cafeteria,

"A lot." She answered simply,

"Good, because I have a feeling that we're gonna need a lot of them." Blake then sighed, 'After what happened at Recovery One, who knows what might happen?'

(RWBY Dorm!)

"So, which season is it again?" Ruby asked as she searched through her DVD collection,

"It's Season 6. What, did you forget?" Weiss answered as she put down the bowl of nachos on the table before going to fix up the TV,

"No, it's just that there's nothing on Season 6. Just a lot of Re-something."

"What is it Ruby?" Yang asked as she put down the couch, large enough for 4 people and just enough room in case of something disturbing them, she and Blake brought in from the Teacher's Lounge. It was the only thing that survived,

"Can't find the right season. All I can see is a lot of 'Re'." Yang walked up and grabbed any DVD case that had 'Re' in the title,

"Reconstruction, Recreation and Revelation…" Yang muttered, "Huh. Is this uh… Recollection or something?" Yang then leaned back and dodged an orange thrown at her, "Okay. Let's just start with Reconstruction because there's this big fucking guy on the cover." She then took out the DVD and put it in the DVD player,

"Thanks Yang!" Ruby said as she hugged her sister,

"Anything you want Ruby." Yang said in a dream-like state,

"She's getting good at it." Weiss cursed before sitting down on the couch,

"We all grow, learn and adapt Weiss. You should know this by now." Blake pointed out as she sat down as well. As soon Ruby & Yang sat down, the red-cloaked girl grabbed the remote. Out of boredom, Blake scratched the team name into the back,

"Alright, are we ready!?" Ruby asked,

"Let's see what RvB has in store for us." Weiss said as she crossed her arms,

"My body is ready." Blake muttered,

"Let's start the show!" Yang exclaimed,

"Okay! The Blood Gulch Chronicles is over! It's time to start anew! Get ready for the Recollection! It's time to start Red vs Blue: Reconstruction!" Ruby declared as she pressed play.

**(Chapter 1: The Situation)**

" **It is undeniable and I may say fundamental _quality_ of man that when faced with extinction… every alternative is preferable."**

"I have to admit, that's true, but are we really willing to sacrifice our morals for the good of humanity and existence?" Weiss muttered.

_Fade in to dead bodies in grey armor. One with red highlights, one with blue._

"Well, that's just great." Yang said sarcastically, "As if we didn't see enough dead bodies laying around…" Ruby proceeded to hug her sister to make her feel better.

_The scene is then followed by a massive reconstruction effort_

"What's going on here? Some kind of reconstruction effort?" Blake spoke up, "Why do they need 72 soldiers?"

"Well, it is in the title." Ruby said as she pointed at the screen.

_Red vs Blue  
Reconstruction_

"Well, that explains why the season is called that." Yang said, "And by the way, nice graphics upgrade."

"I guess they moved over to Halo 3 now." Weiss muttered.

 **Voice** : To the Director of Project Freelancer, from the Oversight Sub-Committee Chairman.

"I guess this Director guy was in charge of the Freelancers." Ruby guessed, "And with all the dead Freelancers, he must be in  _really_ hot water." The girls then collectively sighed, remembering all the fallen Freelancers they've seen. Some they hated, some they actually liked. Ruby just hugged Blake, remembering Tex's sacrifice,

"It does seem Red vs Blue is starting to get quite serious if Recovery One was any clue." Weiss spoke up before shaking her head, 'And why do I keep getting a bad feeling?'

_Cut to a soldier calling his captain over to a cave entrance._

**Soldier** : Captain Rivas! We've got something over here!

"Hey, isn't that CGI?" Blake noted, "I guess whoever made this got an increase in staff."

 **Chairman (voice over)** : Dear Director, I want to thank you in advance for your openness in response to our Sub-committee's request for more information.

_The captain and several other soldiers run over to the cave where they find a soldier in red armor hiding._

"Hey, they found a Red." Yang said, "Wait a minute, he's a Red. Doesn't that mean that place used to be a Red and Blue battleground?"

"He must be the only survivor." Blake realized,

"Weiss, hold me. It's not funny anymore!" Ruby said before clutching onto Weiss.

_The scene then fades to the Red soldier being escorted by two grey soldiers through a video surveillance hallway at a UNSC Ops center._

**Chairman (voice over)** : We were... disappointed that your Recovery force reported a total loss at Outpost 17-B. We had hoped there would be at least one soldier left that could shed some light on the situation. I know that your agency has enjoyed a high degree of freedom with very little scrutiny in the past few years.

"Outpost 17-B. That must be the location of the operation." Blake said as shook her head, "But wait, they have a survivor right there. Is the operation being covered up by the real authority?"

"Blake, Command lies. And I'm sure whoever's running it is keeping a lot of secrets." Weiss reminded the Faunus, 'Wash had to learn that the hard way.'

"A total loss…" Ruby muttered as she hugged herself, 'No one escaped. Almost everyone died. Who did this?' She clutched Crescent Rose, trying to calm herself down.

 **PA Voice** : Attention, all personnel: decks kilo one, delta one, sierra one... ...are closed for maintenance.

"Wow… fail." Yang said flatly.

 **Chairman (voice over)** : It is not our intention to disrupt such a, "progressive" military program; but instead to find a way we can work together, in a manner that befits all our responsibilities. I am certain that you will agree. And we look forward to making this review process as painless as we possibly can.

"I can't help but hate this guy for some reason." Weiss admitted, "Just something about his voice ticks me off."

_The Red soldier is brought to a room with several large view screens with various displays on them, the Counselor's face appears on the screen in the center of them._

**Counselor** : Thank you gentlemen, would you please excuse us?

"Shadowy, even when it's not face to face." Yang muttered.

_The two soldiers walk away, leaving the Red soldier in the room._

"M-Maybe we'll get some answers now." Ruby said as she held Weiss tightly. Weiss felt Ruby's magic starting to wear off, making her blush a little while Yang snickered.

 **Counselor** : You are Private Walter Henderson, correct?

 **Henderson** : Yes Sir!

"Huh. He seems to be just a normal soldier, at least compared to the BGC." Blake noted,

'So he isn't a dick. Good to know.' Yang thought.

 **Counselor** : You can dispense with the formalities, Walter. Please feel comfortable to speak as candidly as you wish. Can you tell us what happened at your outpost, Walter?

The RWBYs leaned forward in anticipation, wanting to know answers about what had happened.

 **Henderson** : Yes Sir-ah, yes. I had been there about six months. Everything was pretty much like normal and one day this... ship... crashed.

"Wait, a ship?" Ruby muttered before gasping, "Could it be?"

 **Counselor** : I see. Is this the ship to which you are referring?

_A holographic representation of the downed transport ship appears._

"That's Tex's ship!" Ruby exclaimed,

"Sheila." Yang said quietly,

"The ship didn't blow up, it crash landed." Blake said,

"Probably thanks to Wyoming's helmet that they got transported into the future." Weiss added, "But how long into the future is the question."

 **Henderson** : Yeah. Yeah that's it.

 **Counselor** : Please, tell me what was on the ship, Walter.

"An Alien baby of a pervert, a bitchy Freelancer, a dead, British guy's helmet, a bomb, another alien and 3 A.I, two of them being total assholes and one being one of the nicest people in Blood Gulch." Yang listed off.

 **Henderson** : I don't know. The Blues got there first. They fought us off while they cleared it out. Took the stuff back to Base. By the time we got a hold of it, it just seemed like a regular old transport. Our engineer said some of the wiring had been messed with but he didn't seem, you know, worried about it or nothing like that.

"I don't like this." Blake said, "This seems too… odd, I guess. I can't think of a word."

 **Counselor** : I see. Thank you for that.

 **Henderson** : But whatever was on the ship, must have been what started the whole thing.

"'Thing'? What thing?" Yang asked.

 **Counselor** : Please Walter, define "thing."

 **Henderson** : The infection.

The RWBYs raised their eyebrows and looked at each other before going back to the screen.

 **Henderson:** The Blues just stopped fighting us. Some of them set up camp outside their base and trapped the rest of their team inside; blew up their comm tower for some reason. Their own comm tower... Then they blew up ours. That's why we couldn't radio for help, we couldn't figure out why they would do that. After that, nothing. No word from them at all. The CO sent a squad over... all the Blues were dead. They had killed each other.

"WHAT!?" The RWBYs shouted,

"T-They killed each other!? But the BGC…" Yang was trying to make sense of the situation,

"It was Omega." Weiss realized, "Or O'Malley, whatever, it was him. If he was controlling even the most moderate of soldiers…"

"Oh dear God." Blake finished as she shook her head, "I guess that shows how the Reds and Blues can deal with a situation better than a normal soldier."

 **Counselor:** Why do you think they did that?

"Because they didn't know what to do." Ruby said, "All because of a psychotic A.I…"

 **Henderson:** I don't know. They had torn the radios out of their helmets and dismantled their computers. The CO said they were trying to build something...but I saw all the stuff, no way! They were trying to break it.

The RWBYs looked at each other and started worrying. What if that happened to them and they didn't know what to do? They didn't want to think about any further, fearing that it would cause them to rethink their whole lives and their views on each other.

 **Henderson:** And there was another body in there too. Not a Blue, somebody else. Actually, she looked like him.

"That confirms it was Tex." Yang muttered, "Hey, wait a minute…"

_Henderson looks over to a grey clad soldier standing in the corner._

"Isn't that Agent Washington from Recovery One?" Ruby asked,

"No, it can't be." Weiss said, "South… killed him, didn't she?"

 **Counselor** : Don't worry about him for now, Walter. Please, continue.

 **Henderson** : We brought all the equipment back to base and brought it online. And that's when the infection started for us.

"Oh God." Weiss said as she shook her head, seeing where this is going.

 **Counselor** : The soldiers became... sick?

 **Henderson** : No. They just... they were different. Off. We would catch guys getting into areas they shouldn't get into. But the weird thing was, a guy would go crazy, act up, and then we would throw him in a cell, and he would be fine. Then another guy would go nuts, disobey orders. Like trying to bring the comm tower back online even though we were told to leave it be. Maybe they knew it was coming.

"What?" Weiss said, surprised. She thought it was going to be what happened to Blue Base,

"W-What was coming?" Yang asked hesitantly.

 **Councilor** : They knew what was coming?

 **Henderson** : At first we thought it was help. It ransacked Blue Base, searched all the bodies... then it came after us. Seemed focused on the guys that were infected. Eventually, it just started killing everything.

Ruby hugged Yang in comfort, wondering why it would just start killing with remorse. "It's that monster that killed all those Freelancers!" Weiss gasped, "It came for the A.I and the equipment on the ship!"

"Omega, Gamma, Invisibility and Time Distortion." Blake added, becoming more worried about the monster's power by now, 'What is this thing?'

 **Counselor** : Could you describe it for us, Walter?

 **Henderson** : Not really. It moved fast, when we first saw it, and after Blue Base it was... it was different.

 **Counselor** : In what way, different?

 **Henderson** : It looked... like it wasn't there. I don't know how to explain it.

"Yep, that fucking monster can go invisible now." Yang groaned, wondering how the military will deal with it,

"It won't be long until it's unstoppable." Ruby said

 **Counselor** : That's alright. I know this has been difficult for you Walter. We're going to do everything we can to help you.

_Two soldiers in grey walk up behind Henderson_

"They're recovering him." Blake muttered.

 **Counselor** : Please, follow these men to your new quarters. You'll be with us as long as absolutely necessary. You have my word.

_Henderson follows them out of the room_

**Counselor** : Agent Washington, what do you make of all this?

"WHAT!?" The team shouted.

 **Washington** : I think it sounds like exactly what I encountered.

 **Counselor** : Mhm.

 **Washington** : Except it's stronger now, and becoming more so all the time.

"Okay, wait a second, how the fuck are you alive Wash!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Wash?" RWB asked,

"Well, it seems better to call him Wash for short like how Tex's full title is Texas and we generally just call her Tex." Yang explained herself, 'And Wyoming "Dickbag McFuckyoubitch".' She mentally added,

"Well, I guess that makes sense…" Blake said as they went back to the show.

 **Counselor** : Does that concern you?

 **Washington** : It doesn't make me excited.

"We'd worry for your sanity if you did." Ruby said as she hugged Weiss even tighter than before. Now it was downright embarrassing as Weiss blushed even harder.

 **Counselor** : You've been through alot with this program, Agent Washington. The Epsilon A.I. we assigned you-

 **Washington** : Has already been discussed to death. I'm over it.

"I wonder what they did with Epsilon after the whole thing." Blake thought out loud, "Did they delete it?"

 **Counselor** : Now your, physical problems... because of your last encounter-

 **Washington** : I'm better now. Mentally and physically.

 **Counselor** : Our profile of you disagrees with your assessment.

"Hey give the guy a break, ya jerk! He was shot in the back!" Yang shouted, "Hell, I'm just glad he isn't crippled!"

 **Washington** : Look, the last mission I ran against this thing, I got shot in the back by my own partner.

 **Counselor** : Agent South. We feel some... responsibility for that.

_A video appears on the screen showing South shooting Washington in the back_

The girls shook in anger as they watched the video the Counselor showed on the screen, 'You fucking bitch.' They thought.

 **Washington** : Yeah, you should. If I hadn't had York's healing unit, I'd be dead now.

"It didn't help York when he was shot." Weiss muttered as she shook her head sadly.

 **Washington:** So while this isn't ideal and I don't feel like sticking my neck out for you guys, if it puts me on a path that leads to her, you can trust me at least that far.

 **Counselor** : So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge?

"Oh, you bet your ass!" Ruby exclaimed,

"More than you know." Weiss growled,

"Why do you even ask?" Blake asked angrily,

"After what that bitch did, why wouldn't I?" Yang said as she cracked her knuckles.

 **Washington** : More than you know.

 **Counselor** : Excellent. Now that our agency is under investigation, the Director feels it is important for us to be as open as possible. With each other.

"Looks like the Director is hiding a lot of secrets from the Oversight Committee." Weiss noted, not even reacting to repeating what Wash had said.

 **Counselor:** If our suspicions are correct, the Meta has made another addition: the Omega A.I.

 **Washington** : It was Omega and... Tex right?

"And Gamma as well." Ruby said, "The… Meta must've found Gamma while ransacking the ship."

 **Counselor** : Yes, it was.

 **Washington** : The Meta doesn't leave much behind. It's gonna be hard to track.

 **Counselor** : We think the best place for you to start, would be the Omega's last known location. The soldiers there have the most experience with our program.

"Wait, what?" Yang asked.

 **Washington** : I see. So I should contact these experts-

 **Counselor** : We do not like the term "experts."

"Oh don't tell me." Blake groaned.

 **Washington** : Because no one really knows what our program is doing?

 **Counselor** : Let's just say the term "expert" is a little too... complimentary in this particular case. Do you still have your old suit of armor?

"Oh you've  _got_ to be kidding me." Weiss muttered.

 **Washington** : Of course. Wait... why?

_Washington suddenly appears in Blood Gulch in older looking armor with the same colors_

**Washington** : Oh, great.

"Fuck." Ruby swore,

"Well, it's back to Blood Gulch for Wash." Weiss said,

"May God have mercy on his soul." Yang prayed, "And his mind. Definitely his mind."

"Huh." Blake said, suddenly having a feeling in her gut. It was weird and unnatural but somehow familiar, but she shook it off, "Okay, let's see how Wash will deal with the Reds & Blues of Blood Gulch." Blake then pressed play.

**(Chapter 2: "Experts")**

**Voice** : A response, from the Director of Project Freelancer. Dear Chairman.

"A southern accent just like Sarge. Great." Yang said sarcastically.

_Fade in to the old familiar Gulch_

**Director** : While I am obligated to assist your investigation, I ask that you not waste my time with irrelevant questions. My agency is normally unconcerned with such minute directives as troop reassignment. Except of course, in the most critical of matters.

"He seems to be a very strict and no-nonsense type of guy." Blake noted, "Perfect for a military program."

_Cut to Washington in front of an apparently abandoned Blue Base_

**Washington** : Hello? Hello. Anybody here?

"Well, this is odd." Weiss said, "Is Blue Base abandoned?"

"I guess after the whole thing with Omega, Command must've disassembled the Reds & Blues in Blood Gulch." Blake guessed, "I would be surprised if they didn't."

_Radio sounds_

**Washington** : Recovery One calling Command. Come in Command.

 **Command** : Go ahead Recovery One, we have you.

 **Washington** : I'm at Outpost 1-A. Looks deserted.

 **Command** : Roger that. See if you can find any evidence that would suggest where they all might have-

_A yellow and angry soldier appears in the base_

"Oh right. Totally forgot about Sister." Ruby said before everyone looked at Yang with shit-eating grins. Yang could only growl and shout,

"I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that Sister." Blake said with a smirk,

"Is it about the whole 'Pussy Cat' thing?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

"At least Blue Base isn't totally abandoned." Weiss said.

 **Sister** : Hey! A-hole! What's with all the noise? People are trying to sleep here!

 **Washington** : Um... scratch that Command. It appears I've found someone. Recovery One out.

_Sister descends the ramp slowly, as if hung-over_

**Sister** : Ohhh man.

"Okay, why is there beer in the military?" Weiss asked before rubbing her forehead, "No, scratch that, why is  _she_ in the military?"

"One of life's great mysteries, Weiss." Yang simply said as Ruby hugged Weiss.

 **Washington** : Hi. I'm Agent Washington. This is Blue Base, correct?

 **Sister** : It was.

 **Washington** : Was?

 **Sister** : Everybody's gone. Transferred. Something about this base being obsolete now, or, whatever.

"Yeah… they should've done that a long time ago." Ruby pointed out, "All they would do was stand around and talk."

"I have a feeling those days are coming to an end." Blake muttered.

 **Washington** : Rright. Where did they go?

 **Sister** : I don't know! All different places. Nobody told me anything.

"Probably to get the fuck away from you." Weiss muttered,

"Slut." Yang added.

 **Washington** : Well, I'm trying to locate some people who have experience with the Freelancer program.

"The closet thing you have to an 'expert' on the Freelancer program is Church, and he practically hates every Freelancer in existence." Blake stated, "Hell, the only Freelancer he likes is Tex and even that's a stretch."

 **Sister** : Freelancer? Is that the band we had here last night?

"Hold on, where did she get a band to play in the middle of a box canyon for one person?" Ruby asked,

"A better question is how is, she still alive?" Weiss replied, "You know, from what I can tell, maybe only 1 or 2 years have passed since the Chronicles."

 **Washington** : You had a party here?

 **Sister** : Hyeah! I throw raves every night. Charge five bucks a head. Last night, I made ten bucks. Ooah ooah! Nice.

"Okay, where is she getting all this shit!? And who in their right mind would go to a rave in the middle of a box canyon, let alone two!?" Yang exclaimed, "You know what, I give up! Ruby, hug me!" And Ruby proceeded to do just that, "Man that feels good."

 **Washington** : You use the base for raves? That doesn't seem like the proper use for official resources.

 **Sister** : What're you, like a cop or something?

 **Washington** : No.

 **Sister** : 'Cause if you are, and I ask you, then you have to tell me. That's totally a law or something.

"Actually Sister, there's actually something called being an undercover cop. Dressing and acting like a civilian or even a criminal and waiting for someone to commit a crime. So in all sense, there's no law and if someone asks you if you were a cop, you can say no." Blake pointed out.

 **Washington** : I'm not the police. And that's not a real law.

 **Sister** : Well if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? Busted!

"It's called general knowledge, bitch." Weiss spoke up, "And in your logic, everyone's a cop."

 **Washington** : You caught me. Hey, is there anybody else... smart... here that I can talk to?

"If you want smart, get Simmons. If you want answers, get Church." Ruby answered.

 **Sister** : Hyeah, right. Like I'm gonna tell you. I don't rat people out. Cop.

 **Washington** : Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity.

 **Sister** : Hyeah? Whatever! Good luck with being a cop, cop!

"Will you just her already? Please?" Yang begged, "I DON'T WANT TO BE SISTER!"

"So you admit you're Sister." Blake said with a smirk. Yang just glared at the Faunus with red eyes, causing her to shut up.

_Cut to Washington approaching Red Base, and some more radio sounds_

**Washington** : Come in Command.

 **Command** : Hello Washington. We have you? How was the investigation at Blue Base?

"About as well as trying to beat Yang with only your fists." Ruby said before Weiss & Blake groaned, 'You're no gonna always have a weapon, she said. You need to practice hand-to-hand combat, she said. You'll overwhelm her! Stupid Goodwitch.' They thought bitterly.

 **Washington** : Enlightening. Going to try the Red Base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more...

_A pink popup of Donut springs up for no apparent reason_

"Is that a cardboard cut-out of Donut?" Ruby asked rhetorically.

 **Washington** : ...normal.

"Actually, this is kinda normal for Reds." Blake admitted, "At least maybe Sarge."

 **Sarge** : Halt, in the name of the red- *clears throat* I mean "lightish red army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get in to a big uhn-uh slap-fight!"

"Oh my God!" Weiss exclaimed as she laughed, "This is fucking pathetic! I could mimic Donut better than you!"

"I guess Sarge didn't want any Blues to take Red Base while he's somewhere else." Yang said.

 **Washington** : Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.

"Maybe when things are actually normal." Blake added as she snickered a little.

 **Sarge** : Don't come any further, ooh la la.

"Okay, over-exaggeration much?" Yang said.

_As Washington continues approaching, a maroon popup of Simmons springs out from behind a rock_

**Sarge** : This is your last warning, stay out! I love math!

 **Washington** : What in the...

 **Sarge** : Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!

"I'd rather die." Team RWBY said in unison.

_Washington continues on and an orange popup of Grif filled with bullet holes seems to appear from out of nowhere_

"Well, totally expecting that." Weiss said,

"No matter how many years pass, he'll still try and kill Grif." Ruby said while shaking her head and sighing, "He can really hold a grudge."

 **Sarge** : And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?

 **Washington** : This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.

"You should've figured it out at Blue Base, Wash!" Yang called out.

_Sarge pops up in front of Washington_

**Sarge** : Yeah, freeze intruder! Stop yer intrudin' right there.

 **Washington** : Who made these things?

"A very senile, insane and determined Sergeant of the Blood Gulch Red Army of Outpost 1-A." Weiss answered.

 **Sarge** : I did.

The RWBYs had to admit though, that was impressive of Sarge to mislead his enemies to think he was a pop-up. He could've shot Wash right then and there. A great surprise attack against one person.

 **Washington** : Wait, you're real?

 **Sarge** : Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got it. Heh heh.

"You have to admit, he could've killed Wash before he even stepped into Red Base." Ruby pointed out, "He's still a dumbass, but a dumbass with unpredictable tactics."

 **Lopez** : ¿Esta todo bien aquí?

 **Caption** : Everything OK out here?

Blake's eyes widened when she heard Lopez, "Well, at least Sarge has company." Yang said, "Too bad he hates him."

"Wait, hold on." Blake said as she rewinded back before pressing play but not reading the dialogue, "What the fuck?"

"Blake, what's wrong?" Weiss asked as Blake paused the episode,

"I don't understand."

"What?"

"I can't translate what Lopez just said!" Blake exclaimed,

"Wait, I thought you learned, like, 9 languages in the White Fang?" Ruby spoke up,

"I did!" Blake said before she started thinking, "I think. I-I remember being taught some codes but everything else…"

"Blake, are you going insane?" Yang asked with worry in her voice,

"No, I'm not! J-Just… confused." Blake groaned as she rubbed her temples,

"Okay Blake, after this is over we'll figure out what happened." Ruby suggested. Blake nodded, "You wanna hug?"

"Yeah, I would like that." Blake said as Ruby hugged her while she continued the episode, 'What the hell's going on with me?' Blake thought before looking back at the TV.

 **Sarge** : We're fine, Lopez. Just caught myself a dirty Blue. How many does that make this week?

 **Lopez** : Uno.

 **Sarge** : Yahtzee. We're on a hot streak!

"Zero Punctuation." Yang said without even thinking,

"Yang, you have zero punctuation. Your essays are abysmal." Blake said, getting snickers from Ruby & Weiss. Yang could only chuckle a little and rub the back of her neck.

 **Washington** : Uh, I'm not actually a Blue. I'm from Command.

_Sarge lowers his shotgun_

**Sarge** : Command, no kiddin'. I didn't think we were due for inspection.

"You aren't. No for another infinity." Weiss said, giggling a bit from her own joke.

 **Washington** : You're not. I was hoping you could tell me about the soldiers transferred out of this outpost.

 **Sarge** : You mean Grif and Simmons? Those traitors. I told 'em not to go! The battle here isn't even over yet.

"Uh… the battle looks pretty over to me Sergeant." Yang said as she looked at the canyon.

 **Washington** : Um, it looks over to me.

 **Sarge** : Not while there's a single Blue left in this canyon. Which there is: a single Blue. Victory, or death.

"He is really determined, isn't he?" Ruby commented,

"It's the raging insanity." Weiss told her little sister.

 **Washington** : I see.

 **Sarge** : That's why I refused my relocation orders. Obviously Command wasn't thinkin' clearly.

 **Washington** : So, you're AWOL then.

 **Sarge** : I uh... A-what?

"Absent With Out Leave." Blake answered, "Also known as Traitor to everyone else. Hypocrite."

_Cut to an over the shoulder shot of Sister_

**Sister** : Don't tell him anything until you talk to a lawyer! You have rights!

"You lost those rights when you became a Blood Gulcher!" Yang called out.

 **Washington** : I'm not a cop!

 **Sarge** : Hey! Beat it ya little tramp! Ya see why I can't go?

 **Washington** : Why not just attack her and win then? It would take about ten seconds.

"Dude, this is a great time to use the 'Shotgun to da Face' strategy." Yang suggested, "It could all be over in 10 seconds if you just shot the bimbo."

"5 seconds for us." Ruby added, "No wait, two."

 **Sister** : You're old and I hate you!

 **Sarge** : That's the problem!

"That your old and she hates you?" Yang asked.

 **Sarge:** I can't attack a girl. So we're locked, in an epic stalemate.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Weiss groaned as she face palmed.

 **Washington** : You're kidding me.

Suddenly, the girls heard mental glass shattering as Weiss looked up, "Uh… at least didn't say exactly what he just said." Blake said,

"For the love of God, PLEASE DON'T BE ANOTHER CHURCH!" Weiss shouted to the heavens.

 **Sarge** : Plus she's cookin' somethin' up. And I gotta be ready. I hear her runnin' training ops every night! I see them out there with their glow sticks and their tribal drum beats: oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka.

"Because all training ops have rave music." Yang added sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Washington** : Well. This has been really... informative. But I need to find someone who has experience with artificial intelligence.

 **Sarge** : Alright. You want Caboose then. He got infected for a little while I think.

"Can anyone remember Church dated a fucking Freelancer and knows shit about them?" Ruby asked. The others shook their heads in response,

"Well, it'll be good to see Caboose again." Weiss admitted.

 **Washington** : Great. Caboose! Do you know where he is?

 **Sarge** : Of course. We intercepted the Blues' orders. I got it right here. Lopez!

 **Lopez** : Sí.

"I don't even know what he just said then!" Blake exclaimed,

"It's yes." Yang spoke up,

"I DON'T KNOW THAT!" Blake shouted at Yang. Ruby had to hug her to calm her down, "Thanks Ruby." She said as she took deep breaths,

"Anytime Blake. Anytime." Ruby said with a smile.

 **Sarge** : Get this guy the Blue Team relocation orders.

 **Lopez** : Sí.

'I still don't understand.' Blake thought as she groaned,

'It has to be something about Noire, isn't it?' Weiss thought. She guessed she had to break out her ghost powers if she wants know. Maybe Noire left something behind.

 **Sarge** : Lopez probably converted it in to Spanish, so they might be a little hard to understand.

Blake was about to say she could translate it but kept quiet.

 **Washington** : Yeah. They wouldn't be the first thing today.

 **Sister** : Shut up cop!

"SHUT UP, SISTER!" The RWBYs shouted back. After a few minutes of hugs and calming down, Weiss picked up the remote and played the final episode of the set.

**(Chapter 3: What's Your Name Again?)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director, due to your "busy" schedule, we have begun interviewing members of your staff. I'm certain you will let us know if this bothers you.

"Which it probably will." Yang muttered.

 **Chairman:** However our debriefings keep coming back to a single subject at Outpost 17-B. Can you explain to us what this Meta is, and what your plans are to deal with it?

"It's some monster who kills Freelancers, steals their equipment and A.I to become more powerful." Ruby answered, "The plan: hunt it down like the animal it is and destroy it."

"I don't think that would be so easy, Ruby." Weiss said, "It's not your normal monster. No, it's worse than Grimm."

_Miller runs down a ramp to Washington_

**Miller** : Oh no! Hell no! Excuse me, sir, but no goddamn way!

"Apparently this guy doesn't like Freelancers." Yang muttered, "I know they aren't the luckiest but what did they do to him?"

"I think it's just he's from Command than a Freelancer." Blake responded.

 **Washington** : You must be Lieutenant Miller.

_Outpost 28: Rat's Nest is written on the bottom left of the screen_

"What a peaceful place." Weiss muttered while rolling her eyes, "Like Blood Gulch."

"At least it's indoors." Ruby pointed out, "They have air conditioning."

 **Miller** : I got Reds comin' out of my ass here boss, and you wanna take away one of my men for a...what did you say this was for?

 **Blue** : Secret mission, sir.

 **Miller** : Aw, you gotta be-a what!?

"You have to do it Miller~" Yang sang out, "He's from Command~"

 **Wash** : I think you have bigger issues than troop assignment, soldier. Like getting some of these vehicles back in working order. ( _Wash indicates to the burning tank and wrecked jeep_ )

Weiss & Blake moved away from Yang when they saw her starting to ignite while hugged her sister. She calm down enough to continue the episode.

 **Miller** : What do you think I'm talkin' about? This is YOUR fault! You sent us the new guy; he said he was good with vehicles. All he does is talk to 'em. Talk to 'em! What the hell is that all about? And now look at the damn things!

"Something tells me this is Caboose's doing." Blake muttered,

"Wait, they don't have a tutorial program for tanks?" Yang asked,

"By now, the Rat's Nest soldiers should know how to operate one. They don't need a tutorial." Weiss answered,

"Sheila was nice though, apart from the killing and junk." Ruby said.

 **Wash** : I don't need to discuss your problems. I have orders, and those orders say I need Private Caboose and I need him now. He has information that could be vital to this-

 **Miller** : Wait a second, Caboose? You're taking  _Caboose_? And I don't have to pay you or anything like that?

 **Wash** : Is that a problem?

"Nope. That's more of a solution to Miller's problems, Wash." Yang said, "I'd pay you to get rid of an idiot for me."

"Don't you call Jaune an idiot?" Ruby reminded Yang,

"A  _total_ idiot, not a lovable idiot. Total."

 **Miller** : A problem? Hehe, hell no! It must be Christmas morning n' no one told me. You stay right there, I'll get 'im for you. Private Jo-a-nes? Jo-a-nes? Jo-a-nes, where the hell are ya!?

"Doesn't he mean Joans?" Ruby said,

"Wait for it Ruby, it could actually be how they pronounce his name." Blake replied.

 **Joans** : ( _sigh_ ) Sir, for the millionth time, my name is pronounced 'Joans'.  _Joans_!

 **Blue** : Shut up, Jo-a-nes!

"It's official, all Reds & Blues are dumbasses." Yang said as the girls face palmed, 'Joans kinda sounds hot.' Yang thought, 'I wonder who voiced him…'

 **Joans** : Seriously, lots of people have the name, it's very common. How am I the first person you've met called Joans?

"Actually, that's the first time we've seen someone named Joans. Even in Remnant." Blake pointed out. She couldn't help but look at Ruby for a few seconds before shaking it off and going back to watching.

 **Miller** : Jo-a-nes, I need ya to go down to the brig, untie Caboose and get him up here.

 **Joans** : Me... alone?

"Oh c'mon! Caboose is tied up, what is he gonna do? Stupid you to death?" Yang said,

"But what happens when Joans unties him?" Weiss pointed out.

 **Miller** : Double time, Jo-a-nes.

 **Joans** : It's pronounced...never mind, Christ.

 **Washington** : You keep him in the brig?

 **Miller** : We keep him _tied up_ in the brig. I'm not taking any more chances.

_Gunshot, Joans cries out in pain, Caboose runs on. Strangely (for those with a functioning brain capacity), he's wearing a Mark V Helmet._

**Caboose** : Be careful.

"Oh! That did not sound pretty!" Ruby exclaimed as she winced,

"That must be a new record." Weiss muttered, "10 seconds and he's already team-killed someone."

"Wash is fucked." Blake sighed,

"Did he downgrade his helmet?" Yang asked, completely now used to Caboose's team-killing ways, "That's the Halo 1 helmet, isn't it."

 **Miller** : ( _to Wash_ ) You'll understand soon enough.

"Like, 20 seconds ago." Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : You wanted to see me, Principal Miller?

 **Miller** : Where's the guy I sent to get ya?

 **Caboose** : Oh, him, yeah...um, he let me out then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. But we don't think it was anybody's fault. Everybody agrees it was an accident.

"J-Just, wow. Just fucking wow." Ruby said, amazed by his speed at team-killing.

 **Miller** : Jesus! Would someone go and check on him?

_Blue runs off to check on Joans_

**Miller** : This here is Special Agent Washington, from Blue Command. He has something fantastic he needs to talk to you about.

 **Caboose** : Command? Oh no, they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom, is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no.

"D-Did he get fucking dumber!?" Weiss exclaimed, "Holy shit, this is going to be a long season." She groaned,

"You wanna hug?" Ruby asked,

"Yes Ruby. Yes I do." Weiss then hugged Ruby and let out a sigh of relief, "Ah… that's better."

 **Wash** : What is this? I don't...

 **Miller** : Hehe, you see, he's yours now. Hehe, no take-backs.

"That's a thing in the rulebook, isn't it?" Yang said, remembering Sarge saying something about it one or two seasons ago.

 **Caboose** : Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it, my brother's dead!

 **Wash** : What... no, nothing like that.

 **Caboose** : Oh, good, because I don't even have a brother. H-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day.

"That is pretty sad?" Blake muttered, "Uh… I don't know how I would respond to that situation apart from indifference."

 **Wash** : No one died!

"Except maybe a few Freelancers and…" Yang let the Blue soldier finish off her sentence.

_Blue runs on_

**Blue** : Jo-a-nes is dead, sir.

 **Wash** : Ok, no one besides him.

"Rest in Peace, I guess." Ruby said, "May your name be actually pronounced correctly at your funeral."

 **Caboose** : Once again...nobody's fault. Pst...I think the new guy did it.

"You're the new guy, Caboose." The girls groaned out.

 **Wash** : Private Caboose, you were stationed at Blood Gulch, correct?

 **Caboose** : Yeah...that was fun.

"Yeah, almost getting killed and doing nothing all day is 'fun'." Weiss said,

"Uh, Weiss, we do that for a living." Ruby pointed out. Weiss wanted to go further but decided to stay quiet.

 **Wash** : And our records indicate that you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point. The Omega AI, is that correct as well?

 **Caboose** : Yeah...that wasn't as much fun.

"And now we get some logic." Yang said.

 **Wash** : Ok, well I need you to come with me. I'm investigating a critical issue and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me.

_Cue long, awkward silence._

"C'mon Wash, let it process. You're gonna be dealing with things like that in the future." Ruby spoke up.

 **Wash** : And I just realized how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud. Nonetheless, I need you to come with me.

 **Miller** : Can I have a word with him first, sir?

"Aw… does Miller care for Caboose even after all those team-kills?" Yang said, "He's insane."

 **Wash** : Sure, I guess.

_Miller and Caboose walk over to the barrier._

**Miller** : Now Caboose, I know we didn't always get along.

 **Caboose** : I got tied up.

"For many good reasons, my friend." Weiss added.

 **Miller** : Right. But all these mistakes…I know it's not your fault. You seem like a good kid, you're just a little...confused.

"And may have a minor case of serious brain damage." Blake spoke.

 **Caboose** : Yeah...he is.

 **Miller** : But I wanna give you a piece of advice. This guy looks like a tough customer, and you're bound to get into some situations that maybe you're not prepared for.

 **Caboose** : Right, like a rodeo.

"It's more like a rollercoaster to me." Ruby said.

 **Miller** : Now if that happens, if you find yourself in danger, or if you're in a situation where you think something bad is going to happen, I want you to remember just one thing. Never,  **EVER**  come back here.

"Good advice there." Yang muttered.

 **Caboose** : Ok.

 **Miller** : No, I need to know that you understand. I need to hear you say it.

 **Caboose** : Don't ever go backwards.

"Close enough, Caboose. Close enough." The girls say in unison.

 **Miller** : ( _sigh_ ) I guess that's about as close as we're gonna get. ( _To Wash_ ) He's all yours!

 **Wash** : Great, let's get going.

 **Caboose** : Ok.

_Caboose walks off with Wash._

**Caboose** : Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet!?

"That can get annoying." Ruby said. Suddenly, she felt glares fall upon her. She looked at her friends and saw it was them glaring at her, "What?"

"You do the same thing whenever we go out on missions." Weiss stated,

"I do not!" Ruby argued childishly,

"Oh really?" Yang asked, "Remember when you were 5 years old and went on a vacation?"

(Flashback!)

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" A young Ruby asked repeatedly. Meanwhile, Yang in the front seat was getting a headache,

"Ruby, can you please be quiet?" The 7 year old blonde asked,

"I'm bored! When are we getting there?"

"In several hours! We just left home about a minute ago!" Yang exclaimed as she pointed at the house behind them,

"Okay!" Ruby then stayed quiet as the car drove on the road to their destination… for about 3 seconds, "Are we there yet?"

"BUBBLES!"

(Flashback End!)

"I was young back then!" Ruby defended herself,

"You did it several times when we went out on missions as well." Blake added, "Like our first mission."

(Flashback!)

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Ruby asked repeatedly since leaving Beacon, which was about 20 seconds ago. Weiss was getting a migraine during this while Blake was reading a book with ear muffs on, on both her sets of ears,

"Ugh… is she going to do this every time we go out on a mission?" Weiss asked,

"Nope," Yang answered,

"Good." Weiss then sighed in relief. The sigh was proven to be useless as Yang wasn't done,

"She does that every time we go out."

"God-freaking-dammit."

(Flashback End!)

"Well, I was…"

"You even did it during our last mission of the year!" Weiss reminded her Leader, " _Before_ we got trapped! Remember?"

(Flashback Combo!)

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Ruby asked repeatedly… again,

"I thought she would be over that." Blake said, a little irritated (okay,  _extremely_ irritated),

"I always thought the same thing too." Yang replied, being the one with the most experience with her, "But she still does it."

"I'm hungry. I'm thirsty." Ruby started complaining,

"We'll eat later Ruby, so be patient." Weiss requested, almost begging, her Leader,

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Well, why didn't you go before we left!?"

"I didn't have to go then!"

"PEE ON THE FLOOR THEN YOU BIG BABY!" Yang shouted.

(Flashback End!)

Ruby remained quiet at this time, "Do we have to go over some more exam-"

"No!" Ruby quickly interrupted Yang. The Fiery blonde only smirked,

"That's what I thought." (AN: From DraxiusKnight7!)

 **Wash** : Just...try and be quiet, ok.

 **Miller** : ( _To Blues_ ) Boys, this is a great day. Things are finally changing for us, I can feel it.

 **Blue** : Should we bury Jo-a-nes now, sir?

 **Miller** : Fella's, let's just enjoy this moment a little longer, hehe. He's not going anywhere.

"Way to respect the dead, asshole." Yang muttered.

_Caboose and Wash walk off in distance, watched by a blue figure._

"Huh. He doesn't look like a Blue from Rat's Nest." Blake noted, "The helmet's different."

 **Caboose** : ( _In distance_ ) I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I need to go to the bathroom again...

_Cue creepy music._

"That doesn't sound good." Ruby said, starting to have a bad feeling.

_The Blue figure changes color to white, then turns to face the screen, which blacks out._

"Oh shit." Blake muttered,

"That can't be…" Weiss said,

"It is, isn't it?" Yang said as she looked at her teammates,

"That was the monster. The Meta." Ruby said, "They aren't the Hunters, they're Hunted." The girls looked at the black screen. They knew right then and there that this was not going to be a normal RvB season. No, it was going to be a long one, full of hardship and moments of surprise.

And they were sure they were no ready for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	47. Cold Motherfuckers (Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

All around the world, things start to change. It's a very common fact. From people's minds, to the buildings and even the land they live on. Everything changes, for better or for worse. Some may welcome these changes and make the most of it, while others would take time getting used to it or reject the change all together. And right now, the RWBYs were experiencing a change of tone in the show they were watching for five weeks straight.

But, they didn't know how to react to it.

It was a nice change of pace and it did balance out all the conspiracies and crazy situations from the last five seasons, but this was all too sudden. Suddenly, soldiers were dropping like flies while a monster is out killing people with no other goal apart from gaining more power. Then there were the betrayals, lies and twists going on. It was… all too sudden for a show focus so much on comedy to have such a dark tone to deal with the next season. They were going to get used to it eventually but were they willing to accept it was the question. They needed a few minutes to get the episodes to process, "Well… that was…"

"Unexpected? Surprising? Yes." Blake finished Yang's sentence, "I… kinda like this new tone."

"Really?" Ruby asked, "Why?"

"Well, there's a lot tension now in the story and I doubt that everyone will survive the whole ordeal."

"You've had doubts since Season 1." Weiss pointed out,

"I know but this is actually serious. No more 'taking over the world' plots, g-ghosts or prophecies. There are only greed and deceit left. A bit of a more realistic plot with a more serious goal that  _could_ actually happen if our technology gets advanced enough." Blake explained, "I think this is a good step forward in the series."

"You have to admit you kinda miss the old antics of the Reds & Blues, right?" Yang said. Blake only rolled her eyes,

"I do, but I have you guys to fill that hole." The girls waited for a second before remembering Noire wasn't here anymore. It was… actually very awkward now. And Blake suddenly felt very bad for having such an opportunity go to waste, "Anyway, I'm surprised Ruby hasn't brought up the Meta's weapon yet."

"That's because I haven't got a good look at it yet!" Ruby exclaimed, "I think it's a big knife. Or a rifle. A knife and a rifle? A kni-fle?"

"Well, we'll get to see it in action soon, then you can see if it's a kni-fle or not." Yang said, not sure if she should say 'Fortunately' or 'Unfortunately', as she picked up the remote, "So, more episodes?"

"Yeah, we've had enough time to calm down, so let's keep going." Weiss said as she got comfortable. Blake and Ruby nodded as they got ready for the next set, wondering what was going to happen next,

"Let's see what Wash & Caboose are up to now." Yang said before taking in a deep breath and pressing play.

**(Chapter 4: Resentful Reunion)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to a remote base of some sort, with Washington and Caboose approaching the structure_

**Director** : Rest assured we have the situation under control.

"Tell the Chairman that when Freelancers stop dying every single day." Yang said.

 **Director:** While the Meta is proving to be an elusive enemy, our Recovery agent is already closing in on it.

"Actually, it's the other way around. The Meta is closing in on Wash." Ruby spoke up, "No, wait, it's right behind him."

 **Director:** I expect this incident will reach a conclusion soon, and I will be able to return to my research. Hopefully, without further interruption.

 **Washington** : And you're sure this is where we can find this guy?

 **Caboose** : I think so. We all found out our new orders at the same time; he tried to hide his from me so I would not know where he was.

"Really? I can't imagine why." Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled eyes.

 **Washington** : Really. I can't imagine why.

"OH COME ON!" The Heiress shouted,

"I wonder if you're Church and Wash's love child..." Yang thought out loud, causing Weiss to glare at her with intense hate,

"OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP YANG!"

'Well it's the truth.' Yang thought as they went back to watching.

 **Caboose** : I said it was like a game of hide and seek, and he said that that was right; he was going to hide from me. And the only way he could win, is if he dies without ever seeing me again.

"They're looking for Church, aren't they?" Blake said in a flat tone, "At least he has the most knowledge about Project Freelancer."

"But like hell he's gonna help someone from Freelancer since they pretty much ruined his love life and Caboose." Weiss pointed out.

 **Washington** : And he knows about Freelancer as well.

 **Caboose** : Oh, yeah, he knows the most. He knows uh, all about your A.I. game. He dated Tex!

 **Washington** : Agent Texas?

"Is something wrong with that?" Ruby growled, "She may have been a bitch but at least… uh…"

"You can't think of anything, can you?" Yang teased a little, causing Ruby slump in the sofa, "Don't worry. She has a  _lot_ more personality than Wash."

"Thanks Yang." Ruby said as she awarded her sis with a hug.

 **Washington:** Um, how could a person-

_A sniper shot rings out between them_

"Not a good time to talk about Church's relationship status right now." Blake muttered.

 **Voice:** Fuck!

 **Washington** : Sniper! Get down!

 **Caboose** : Huh?

 **Voice** : Okay, that was your one warning shot! The next one's goin' right between your eyes!

"He'll still miss Caboose's brain." Yang joked,

"If he can actually hit him." Weiss added, knowing who it is. Only one person they knew can mess up a perfect headshot.

 **Washington** : Private Caboose! Get down!

 **Caboose** : Wait a minute-

 **Voice** : Alright! I warned ya! Sayonara, biatch!

"That was… Spanish, right?" Blake asked,

"No, I think it's Japanese. Maybe?" Ruby guessed,

"It's more French to me…" Weiss muttered,

"Pokémon?" Yang said with a raised eyebrow.

_Another sniper shot misses Caboose_

**Voice** : Aw come on, what the fuck!?

"I think it's safe for Wash to come out now." Yang said, knowing who it was.

 **Washington** : Caboose!

 **Caboose** : I know that voice! Church! Church! It's me! Your all time best friend!

"In the loosest possible use of that term imaginable!" Weiss added.

 **Church** : Caboose? Caboose is that you?

 **Caboose** : Yes! Church, it's me!

_Church starts firing at Caboose a lot, and missing, a lot._

The girls weren't surprised. Actually, they were expecting Church to pull out a rocket launcher when he found out it was Caboose, "Yep, can definitely feel the love from those bullets." Ruby muttered.

 **Caboose** : I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me!?

 **Church** : Fuck! I missed him!

"So. Many. Times." The team said slowly,

"He got worse, didn't he?" Blake said quietly as she shook her head, 'Red vs Blue, doing the physically impossible every episode.'

 **Caboose** : I knew you did!

 **Church** :  _Go away_!

 **Washington** : This is your friend?

 **Caboose** : Yeah.

_The shooting resumes_

"Well, the closest thing you'll ever get to a friend in Blood Gulch." Weiss said, "I mean, c'mon, he should've gotten a bigger gun by now. He cares about who he kills, you know?"

 **Washington** : And he's shooting at you.

 **Caboose** : Well, at me and stuff around me.

"Mostly stuff around you." Ruby said.

 **Caboose:** Yeah, it is kind of like our thing. So he acts like he doesn't like me, but he really does.

"Well, he did care when Caboose died before Wyoming reset everything." Blake commented.

 **Caboose:** Oh and he might bring up something about me killing him, but that's only the truth. Uh it's a joke. *inhale* You could play along if you want!

 **Washington** : Wait, that doesn't make any sense. You did what? You-You killed him?

"I guess that's a secret to everyone, huh?" Yang said, "Can't really blame him, actually."

 **Church** : Hey, scram, seriously! Get the fuck outta here.

 **Caboose** : Hey Church! This is Agent Washington! He needs to speak to you.

 **Church** : Agent Wa- You brought a Freelancer here? What's wrong with you!?

"A lot of things, Church. A lot of things." Weiss said as she rubbed her forehead, "But right now, lives are at stake so shut the hell up."

 **Washington** : Open this gate.

 **Church** : Uh, no can do bud. See this is a secure facility: nobody in, nobody out. Sorry, I guess you'll have to come back, never.

 **Washington** : Oh no, then I guess we'll have to just walk through the huge hole in your secure wall.

_Camera aims at the huge hole in the wall_

"You really didn't think that  _hole_ thing through, huh?" Yang punned before having to punch a soda can. She looked at Ruby with a questioning look,

"I'm still growing the fruit supply, alright! It takes time!" Ruby exclaimed as she puffed out her cheeks.

 **Church** : Fine, I'll open the fucking gate.

_Cut to the inside of the base_

**Church** : Okay well, sorry the place is so messy. I would have cleaned up if I'd known you guys were coming. But hey, no one called ahead.

"He'd probably set up turrets if they called ahead." Weiss muttered.

 **Washington** : How long have you been here?

 **Church** : How long? Um... What day is today?

 **Washington** : Today is Tuesday.

 **Church** : I've been here fourteen months.

"OVER A YEAR!?" The girls exclaimed, before looking at each other. What if they were trapped in Beacon for a full year? They shivered at the thought, from the insanity it might cause to the bills that would give a Schnee a heart attack. They decided to shake off the thoughts and save it for another time.

 **Washington** : What? Over a year, by yourself? Alone?

 **Church** : Yeah, it's been um... it's been great, I mean just, just it's been great. Really great.

"I have a feeling it wasn't that great." Blake said, 'I'd probably won't last a month by myself.'

_The radio sounds_

**Command** : This is Command calling Recovery One, come in Recovery One.

 **Washington** : You are really an odd group of people.

"You don't know the half of it Wash." Weiss said as she shook her head. She felt sorry for the poor guy,

"You don't say." Ruby spoke up,

"Seriously, if you don't count Sheila and Lopez as members of the teams but you can only count Tex as a Freelancer, then Wash has already met 5 out of the 10 members of the Blood Gulch Crew." Weiss explained,

"Huh, I never noticed that." Yang admitted,

"Well, math isn't your strongest subject, Sister." Blake pointed. Yang groaned and shouted,

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." RWB said as they chuckled (AN: From Rt fan!)

 **Washington:** Hold on. This is Agent Washington. I found some Blue team members that have extensive experience with Omega.

 **Church** : Did he just say Omega?

 **Caboose** : Yeah. And some other words too.

"You know, stuff like 'Blue', 'experience' and 'team'. Get with the program." Ruby joked.

 **Command** : Excellent Agent Washington, please stand by for orders.

_The camera pans behind someone invisible who then darts off before Caboose looks where he was_

"They're not alone." Weiss said as she narrowed her eyes, "That might've been the Meta."

"Wash might think he's the Hunter, but he's the Prey." Blake added.

 **Command** : Now that you have reassembled the Blues, you should head to Outpost 17-B. See what clues your team can gather there based on what they know.

 **Washington** : Roger that.

 **Command** : They want you to stop the Meta at all costs. This is a Level One directive. Good luck Wash. Recovery Command out.

"Nickname basis, huh?" Ruby noted, "They must've been working with each other for a long time."

 **Washington** : Recovery One out. Come on, let's move out.

 **Church** : Move out? Hey at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or somethin'? I'm not goin' with you.

 **Caboose** : Yes! You are not in our buddy club!

"Your club fucking sucks ass! Go join a better one!" Yang called out.

 **Church** : Shut up Caboose, and what did I tell you about that armor, when we had to pick new suits?

 **Caboose** : You told me to upgrade.

 **Church** : That's not an upgrade! This is Mark Six armor, that's Mark Five. This is an upgrade.

"Church is right. He needs an upgrade. Caboose might be missing some vital safety features that could save his life some day, or at least have stronger armour." Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : In a Top Ten list, five is better than six.

 **Church** : We're not a top ten list!

"Well, maybe in a Top Ten Worst Soldiers…" Ruby muttered.

 **Washington** : How do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other?

 **Church** : We don't, that's part of our charm. Quit fuckin' it up!

"That pretty much summarizes the Blood Gulch Chronicles as a whole. Maybe the entire series." Blake said.

 **Washington** : Look, I know you guys are all wrapped up in your little "Red vs Blue" battles-

 **Caboose** : Blue vs Red battles. No one says Red vs Blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.

"I'm not even going to comment." Weiss said as she shook her head, 'You'd think I would be used to it by now…'

 **Washington** : But this is important. Actual military operations. Not your fake simulation stuff. Something is hunting our top agents, and I need all the help I can get to stop it.

"We know Wash. Some monster is kill-wait. 'Simulation'?" Ruby said in surprise, "What!?" Ruby reflected the team's reactions. What did Wash mean by 'simulation'? They had real, working guns, armour, military vehicles, got orders like any other soldier and there was a real chance of death at anytime. Sure, they weren't the smartest but they had to be soldiers, right?

Right?

 **Church** : Stop it? If it's killing Freelancers I want to start a fan club for it, build it a website.

"Innocents are dying, Freelancer or not! Don't you care!?" Yang shouted,

"Well, with all the shit the Freelancers put him, his team and Tex through he's glad there are less people out there trying to fuck his life up even more." Blake told her partner.

 **Washington** : And now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more powerful than ever. It gains new abilities every time it kills-

 **Church** : Wait wait wait, whoa- you found Tex's ship?

 **Washington** : We believe so.

 **Church** : Where?

"I guess he just wants to see the body." Weiss said softly, "To say his last goodbyes." Ruby hugged Weiss to comfort her a little, "Thanks."

 **Washington** : Come with me, and I'll show you.

 **Church** : Okay, I'm in.

 **Caboose** : Yes, this will be the greatest road trip ever!

 **Church** : If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now.

"Oh, come on Church. Stay positive for once in your life." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : Okay. I will be very depressed about how awesome this will be.

_The Meta de-cloaks on the base_

The girls shivered in fear of the sight of the Meta. It was a big, and they were surprised it was able to sneak its way there without blowing its cover despite its size. They were sure it would take half of Beacon to take it down. Maybe.

_It pulls out a pad and starts meddling with a recording he made of Washington's conversation with Command to create new audio, then sounds the radio with it._

"It's a fucking genius." Ruby whispered as the RWBY's eyes widened. Now, they've fought a lot of enemies at their time in Beacon. From Grimm, to White Fang, to even "students" they were once close with like Emerald or Mercury. Sure, they were tough and skilled but never that smart, above an average fully-trained Hunter at most. Cinder was just plain evil. But this Meta could think, plan very complex operations and would get better and better every day. It wasn't human, Faunus or even a monster.

It was much worse.

 **Command** : This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.

 **Sarge** : This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

"Oh dear God…" The RWBYs groaned,

"If you're gonna try and kill them, at least don't send the Reds." Yang said.

 **Command** : Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues.

 **Sarge** : I knew it! I knew he was a Blue!

 **Command** : Gather your team; we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a Level One directive. Good luck Red Base.

 **Sarge** : Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?

"You can never have enough soldier poison." Weiss said sarcastically, "Seriously, does he know where Grif is and mailing him a poisoned Oreo or something? …Maybe a turd?"

 **Command** : No. Good luck Red Base.

 **Sarge** : What about the robot nuts?

"So glad Noire isn't here." Blake said with a sigh of relief.

 **Command** : No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.

 **Sarge** : Well you don't have to get so te- ...

_Meta closes the connection_

**Sarge** : Hello? Hello, can you hear me? ...How 'bout now? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar. ...Hello? Can you hear me now?

"And that's what you get for living in a box canyon. Insanity, death and bad reception." Ruby said.

_Meta sees someone in purple armor off to the side. South steps out from behind a broken wall with Delta activated_

The RWBYs clenched their fists as they saw South, "What the fuck is this bitch doing here?" Ruby asked through gritted teeth,

"Well, it isn't for apologizing." Weiss said angrily,

"She has a lot of nerve even being near Wash." Blake said emotionlessly,

"Oh… I hope she has a Will ready because she'll be seeing her brother soon." Yang growled, "And don't you fucking kill her yet, Meta. Let Wash finish the job."

 **Delta** : I still believe this course of action is dangerous. If we are following Agent Washington, logic would dictate that others could be as well.

_Meta hops down the wall and sneaks towards them._

"Next episode." Yang quickly said as she passed the remote to Blake,

"Don't you think we should wait a-" Yang quickly glared at her partner with red eyes,

"Blake, I want to see South  _dead_  before this set ends, and I want to see her dead  **NOW!** " Yang shouted as flames went everywhere. Ruby quickly hugged Yang, letting her magic do the work. Yang felt herself feel a bit sleepy as she calmed down before finally feeling at peace and sitting back on the couch, "Ruby…"

"Look Yang. I want South gone as much as the next person but getting mad about it won't help. Just stay calm. We'll go through this together, okay?" Ruby said, giving her adopted sister a warm smile. Yang nodded and took in a deep breath before letting it out,

"Thanks Ruby." Yang said before turning to Blake, "So… next episode, Pussy Cat?"

"Next episode." Blake answered with a smile. She turned to the TV and pressed play.

**(Chapter 5: Better Distractions)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to a base somewhere, with barricades and people behind them_

**Chairman** : We can all understand that the shift from autonomy to oversight can be a difficult adjustment for anyone, but especially someone of your standing. In that spirit, we have attempted to accommodate your brief explanations to our serious inquiries. None the less, I feel compelled to inform you, that even our trust has its limits.

"Especially when the Director is abusing their trust to keep things under wraps." Ruby muttered.

_Cut to Washington talking with a Private dressed all in black_

**Private** : Sorry Sir, those are my orders. No-one can approach the crash site. You can't come in. Sorry.

"Well, you can't be too careful. But we already know the ship's been cleared out by the Reds & Blues in Valhalla." Blake said,

"Nice name for a war ground, by the way." Yang commented.

 **Washington** : I need to see that ship. Check my clearance if you need to.

 **Private** : I know sir, but, it won't matter. They said I can't let anybody in. Anybody.

 **Washington** : I have orders from Command, Private.

"Pulling rank is a low blow, dude." Yang said, "Wait, how high a rank is a Freelancer anyway?" The others shrugged and went back to watching.

 **Private** : So do I. These came from the Director himself.

"That's odd." Weiss noted, "Why would the Director take interest in this crash in particular? As far as we know, he doesn't care about the deaths of other Freelancers."

"Maybe Tex used to be the top Agent before the Project fell apart." Ruby guessed, "She is kind of a badass."

'Everyone probably says that about her.' Blake thought, 'It's nice to see Ruby complimenting Tex now.'

 **Private:**...Look sir, I'd- I'd like to help you, I really would, but this investigation thing... apparently they've started talking to people within the Recovery force. Now everything's getting locked down. You get Command to call me and tell me different, I can let you in. Until then, there's nothing I can do. You can use Red Base if you wanna make some calls. That facility's already been swept.

 **Washington** : Fine, I understand.

_Washington walks back to Church and Caboose_

**Washington** : *sigh* We have a problem.

"Because it isn't Red vs Blue without problems." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : I hope it isn't a math problem.

Before the others could look, Yang growled and let her hair catch on fire, causing them to stop and go back to watching the episode.

 **Washington** : They've got the crash site locked down.

 **Church** : Oh great. We couldn't have found that out on the radio? We had to walk here?

"Well, there's a chance that the conversation could be intercepted and somebody could use it to track Wash. You can't be too careful, Church." Blake said.

 **Washington** : They said we could use this base if we want.

 **Church** : Wow, the empty concrete base? Is it our birthday?

 **Caboose** : I want cake.

"I want the cake." Ruby said. The others didn't bother to question why she would rather get a cake than an entire military base. Instead, they told her that they were never gonna give her cake for the rest of the summer.

 **Church** : Can't we find somewhere nicer to hang out? Hey maybe there's like a, cool nightclub nearby that you can't get us in to either.

'Unless you have Yang with you.' The girls thought without any hesitation.

 **Church:** That would be awesome.

 **Washington** : You two just, stay here. I'll go draw off the guards. When I give you the signal, use that grav-lift.

"Ugh…" Weiss groaned,

"What is it, Weiss?" Blake asked,

"Nothing. Just, nothing." Weiss replied, remembering all the tests the Schnee Scientists had performed for a launcher powered by Dust. There was so much red on that wall that day. Something to note: The paint job was gaudy,

"You wanna hug Weiss?" Ruby asked,

"No." Weiss answered before thinking about it, "…Fuck it. Why not." Ruby then hugged Weiss, "Oh… that's the good stuff."

 **Church** : The what? How do we use it?

 **Washington** : Just step in to it. It'll do the rest. Meet me at the ship.

 **Church** : Okay, what's the, signal?

_Church turns around, and Washington is already gone_

"Freelancers seem to do that a lot, don't they?" Yang commented.

 **Church** : God dammit, I hate when they do that.

 **Caboose** : When they do wha- hey! Where's Agent Washington?

_They wait a while._

**Caboose** : What do you think he'll do for a distraction?

 **Church** : Who knows, probably like, you know, make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

"If it were me, I'd probably make a giant explosion." Yang said with a shrug,

"Yang!" Weiss scolded as she paused the video,

"What? It's boring, not to mention clichéd that you have to use a rock." Yang pointed out, "Not only that, an explosion is noisy as hell and it'd probably cause a bit of a panic. That would definitely keep the soldiers there busy for a while."

"…She's got a point." Blake said,

Weiss huffed, "Whatever." She said before un-pausing the video.

_In the distance a vehicle is blown in to the sky and a siren starts sounding_

The team just stared at Wash's distraction, "…Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this but… that was spot on. Good work." Blake said,

Yang smirked smugly, "You know it!"

 **Church** : ...Or he could do that.

 **Caboose** : I think he is better at distractions than you are.

"BURN!" Ruby & Yang shouted.

 **Church** : Yeah.

 **Washington** : ( _over the radio_ ) Okay, come on out. But come quietly.

 **Church** : Okay, let's go. ( _Proceeds to go over to the grav-lift_ )

 **Caboose** : Um, yes, I don't want to. Uh, you see I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.

"It's just a launcher. What's the worse it can do?" Ruby asked,

"You could be Jaune at the start of the year." Blake answered,

"But come on Caboose, don't be a baby. How bad could it be?" Weiss said.

 **Church** : Oh don't be a baby. How bad could it be-

_Church steps in to the grav-lift and is hurtled, limbs flailing, through the air_

**Church** : -EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_Church lands, bounces, skids, hydroplanes, and eventually smacks up against the side of a jeep behind two soldiers, making "oof" sounds the whole way._

The girls just stared after pausing the episode. There was a bit of silence before they tried to stifle their giggles… before they began to burst out laughing, "Oh my God!" Yang shouted between a laugh, tears forming in her eyes, "Besides sucking at using a Sniper Rifle, he has the shittiest luck ever!"

"Of all time!" Weiss agreed. Even if she basically repeated what Church had just said (for the most part) and said those cursed words for the millionth time, she let those slide. It was THAT funny! Anyway, after everyone stopped laughing they continued the episode (AN: From Yue Twili!)

 **Church** : That was fucking bullshit!

 **Soldier 1** : Did you just say somethin'?

 **Soldier 2** : ...Whuh?

"Best of the best the military can offer, folks!" Yang exclaimed,

"This is why I doubt many will survive the whole thing with the Meta." Blake said with a groan,

'So about Reds & Blues being real soldiers…' Weiss thought,

"Why do they keep hiring people like them!?" Ruby called out.

 **Washington** : I said quietly, what part of quiet don't you understand?

 **Church** : What part? How 'bout the part where I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air, by the God damn throwing thing!?

"Well, they're not exactly professional Wash. Seriously, you should know by now." Ruby said.

_Time passes, and a tank rolls by_

**Washington** : They didn't see us, okay. Stay out of sight. Do you recognize this ship?

 **Church** : Yeah, this looks like it.

 **Caboose** : Sheila? Sheila. Are you okay?

'Please, please, please, please, please, please.' Yang chanted in her head as she crossed her fingers. The others, meanwhile, shifted away as they saw Yang's expression. It was almost like she was  _begging_ ,

'Back on the Fetish Train…' they thought with an outward groan.

 **Washington** : Um... what is he doing?

 **Church** : Oh, yeah we uh, we transferred our tank's training program in to the ship, so that it could help us repair it.

 **Washington** : Did you inform Command that you moved the program to the ship?

 **Church** : Yeah, we're not really big on paperwork.

Weiss glared at Ruby, who only looked away sheepishly while whistling like nothing happened, "You're just lucky Professor Ozpin didn't find out I wrote all those mission reports instead of you." Weiss said through gritted teeth, "It's supposed to be the Leader's job."

"But I had homework due…" Ruby whined childishly, "Pyrrha was doing the mission reports."

"That's because she likes Jaune, Ruby. It doesn't count." Blake pointed out, "Anyway, Jaune doesn't have the biggest vocabulary." The RWBYs decided to leave it at that and go back to watching.

 **Washington** : That's actually a good thing in this case. If they don't know it's there, they may not have tried to activate it.

_Washington opens a panel in the ship and something slumps out that turns out to be a diagnostics screen_

**Washington** : Ah ha, here we go.

 **Sheila** : ( _lethargically_ ) Hello, and thank you for activating the- wait, where am I?

"YES! YES!" Yang cheered, "You're alive!"

'Barely.' Blake thought as she looked at Shelia's state,

"I thought you like tanks." Ruby said,

"I do, but a fucking talking ship is  _way_ better!"

'Can I please leave the Fetish Train? Please?' Weiss begged to God.

 **Caboose** : Sheila?

 **Washington** : Program, instruction. Run a full diagnostic, and load the logs from your last flight.

 **Sheila** : Affirmative. Excep-exception: the system has taken dam-taken damage. I am functing- I am functioning at minimum capacity-ity-ity-.

"It looks like if Sheila does anything, she's risking turning off permanently." Blake noted, "But, she's pretty much their only lead right now."

 **Washington** : Program, instruction. Override exception and-

 **Caboose** : Do not talk to her like that, she is not a program!

"You might want to watch out what you say Wash or else you'll end up being thrown six feet under." Weiss said.

 **Washington** : Whoa. What? Calm down.

 **Church** : Hey I'm just gonna, stand behind Caboose, for a couple minutes. You know for safety reasons.

"He's still gonna somehow kill him." Ruby said, with everyone agreeing.

 **Sheila** : Port engine destroyed.

 **Washington** : Okay. I only want to replay the logs from the crash. So can you please get it-

_Church backs away further_

"Don't. Call her. An 'it'." Yang growled. The girls really wished they had chairs right now instead of a sofa. They were outside in the hallway and they could always get it, but they were kinda too lazy to,

'What have we become?' Weiss thought with a groan.

 **Washington** : I mean her, to do that.

 **Sheila** : Stabilizer offline.

 **Caboose** : Sheila, um, would you go ahead and do that ah thing that he just said, to me?

 **Sheila** : Begin-beginning playb-playback.

_The screen starts playing the log, with a warning siren and sounds of things hitting each other in the background_

The team winced as they saw the scene, but mostly Ruby, "This is Tex's last moments." Blake muttered as everyone sighed in sorrow.

 **Sheila** : Warning, warning, system failure.

 **Tex** : Sheila! damage report, now!

 **Sheila** : Port abort, destroyed. Rear stabilizer offline. Navigation, offline. And my system clock does not match interior records.

 **Tex** : Did Gamma get loose!

 **Sheila** : Negative, but I do not know how much longer I can contain him.

 **Tex** : Computer, what about there? In the canyon, can we land?

 **Sheila** : Analyzing data.

 **Tex** : Just tell me, can you get us there?

 **Sheila** : I am unable to calculate-

 **Tex** : Sheila, give me manual control, now!

 **Sheila** : Acknowledged. Manual control, activated. Warning: decompression. Rear doors, open.

 **Tex** : Where're they going? Close the hatch!

 **Sheila** : Rear doors open.

 **Tex** : Wait!

Ruby hugged Yang at this point, who only patted her head trying to comfort her, "She sounds so… scared. Desperate. It's… sad." Weiss said, unable to think of a word to describe it. And even if she did, she felt like it wouldn't do her justice.

 **Sheila** : Acknowledged. Warning.

 **Tex** : What happened to-

 **Sheila** : Altitude critical. Brace for impact. Brace for impact.

 **Tex** : Hold on!

 **Sheila** : Brace for impact.

 **Tex** : Everybody just hold on-

_The recording ends with a sustained beep_

"Rest in Peace Tex." Ruby said quietly as she hugged Yang tightly.

 **Washington** : Okay, so after that the ship crashed here. And from what a survivor told us the Blues got here first and offloaded the bodies and equipment. Then they started to get infected.

"I know he's supposed to be professional but at least show some kind of emotion." Yang said.

 **Caboose** : Infected? What were they doing with the bodies?

"Huh, I didn't know Caboose had even an inkling for necrophilia." Yang said, now calm. She knew Sheila was okay as long as she had enough power to function, she would be alright,

"It could've been something else, like an autopsy for space germs, or getting a disease. But no, you had to choose the option that makes me want to throw up." Blake muttered,

"Oh! Like you haven't thought of it!" Yang retorted,

"What's necrophilia?" Ruby asked. The older girls froze for a second before Ruby's partner started talking again,

"Um… maybe you shouldn't know." Weiss answered, "But we're gonna have a talk after this."

 **Church** : Gross, shut up.

 **Caboose** : No really, what were they doing with the bodies.

"Anything but that, at least I  _really_ hope so." Blake muttered as she turned a bit green (AN: A part of Iron-Mantis' review)

 **Washington** : They said their men started acting erratically. And for some reason they destroyed all their radios and their own comm tower.

 **Church** : Okay, okay. That was definitely Omega.

 **Washington** : You had a similar experience?

"Similar? No, it's was exactly the same." Weiss called out, "Apart from, you know, all those soldiers dying. And the amounts of weird that happened before."

 **Church** : Yeah, similar? Exactly the same.

"At least you extended the response." Ruby said as she Weiss groaned loudly. A quick hug and everything was fine. Well, until Episode 6.

 **Washington** : It all adds up then. Omega was the one who inherited that trait.

"Inherited? An A.I had that ability before Omega?" Yang asked,

"Maybe they based O'Malley off of another A.I. If worse comes to worse, we might need to teach Ruby Sex Ed." Blake answered. Though they didn't know it, Noire had sent some Sex Ed lessons into Real Ruby's mind during the transfer to her mind. She now knows that there are no storks. Only swords, sheaths and whips (It was a very unique lesson). The other personalities didn't know this however. But Real Ruby had a very good plan for frying her brain.

 **Washington:** During training they discovered he could move from suit to suit. For some reason he preferred Agent Texas.

"Maybe they bonded." Weiss guessed, "A one-sided bond."

 **Washington:** They tried to reassign him but he always made his way back to her somehow.

 **Church** : So where's your A.I.?

 **Washington** : I don't have one. Any more. It's a long story but it's why I was chosen for this job.

 **Church** : Okay, okay I knew I had heard your name before. You're that guy that went nuts, right?

"Not nuts! Just… uh… changed, I guess." Yang said, "He's still a bit of a dick."

 **Washington** : I didn't do anything. My A.I... lost control of itself.

 **Church** : Riight. It just happened to do it while it was inside your head.

"It's not his fault." Blake said, "It's the Project's fault. They should've known or at least tested that Epsilon was stable. Maybe then they could fix it."

 **Washington** : Right.

 **Caboose** : We have a lot in common Agent Washington.

The girls leaned back as they realized this, "For some reason, I'm starting to doubt they'll be able to take down the Meta." Ruby said, speaking for her team.

 **Washington** : No we don't. And don't ever say that again.

 **Church** : Where's Tex's body?

 **Washington** : According to the prisoner, it should be in Blue Base.

 **Church** : Take me to it, I want to see it.

"She is his ex and it's not like it's going to infect him. They do have robot bodies." Yang said.

 **Washington** : What? I don't think so. That's their main-

_Beeping sounds overlap Wash's last few words, then Command starts talking to him over the radio_

**Command** : Recovery Command calling Recovery One, level zero.

 **Washington** : I have you, Command, level zero. Go ahead.

 **Command** : We have a beacon Wash. Pulling the data now. Stand by for ID and coordinates.

"Shit, not another Freelancer." Weiss whispered, "Seriously, why does the Meta want power? Is it really worth the death of some people?"

"People do anything for power Weiss." Blake said before looking at the Heiress, "But the bigger they are, the harder they fall."

"Emp. All they fucking need is an emp." Yang muttered as she shook her head,

"E.M.P."

"Shut up."

 **Washington** : I received it here too. Standing by.

 **Church** : What was that?

 **Washington** : That was my recovery beacon. It means an A.I. somewhere is in jeopardy and I have to find it before- ...something, else, does.

"Like the Meta, some asshole, some other asshole, enemy soldiers, the list goes on." Ruby said.

 **Command** : Coordinates locked, transmitting now.

 **Washington** : Receiving coordinates for recovery target. Do we have an ID?

 **Command** : Affirmative, it is from the A.I. Delta and-

 **Washington** (& RWBY): Agent South.

"Die." The team said darkly, "May your soul go straight to Hell!"

 **Command** : Roger that, Agent South Dakota. Vital reports look bad, yeah she's in trouble Wash.

 **Washington** : Yes. Yes she is.

They didn't even stop to talk. They wanted the bitch dead. So, Weiss got the remote and pressed play, "Karma is coming back for you South." Ruby said, "And you better bet your fucking ass you won't survive."

**(Chapter 6: Old Friends)**

**Director** : ( _voice over_ ) Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to some rocky terrain, with Meta shooting at South inside a Domed Energy Shield_

"She doesn't even deserve to be killed by that!" Ruby shouted, "It's too awesome for her!"

"It's a freaking grenade launcher." Weiss muttered, "We have Scy-fles, Shot-Gauntlets, a Revolver Rapier, a Spe-ord-ifle (AN: Don't bother trying to pronounce it) and a fucking Grenade Launching Hammer, and the best they could come up with, was a grenade launcher with a knife built into it."

"IT'S STILL TOO GOOD FOR HER!"

 **Director** : ( _voice over_ ) The Meta is nothing more than an entity seeking to increase its power, in these confusing days after the war. From my perspective, that seems to be a very common occurrence at the moment.

"More like every day since the start of time." Yang said, "Also, Wyoming, if you're listening, war's over asshole. Go suck a scone, ya British Bitch."

 **South Dakota** : Delta, report.

 **Delta** : Your suit's energy reserves are nearly depleted. The shield will not-

 **South** : How much longer?

"Not long enough for you to survive." Blake said.

 **Delta** : The Meta will breach our barrier within sixty seconds. I suggest that you prepare your grenades while I divert power from your armor's non-essential systems.

 **South** : No.

"What?" The RWBYs say as they glared at the purple Freelancer.

 **Delta** : You have a better plan?

 **South** : Keep the shield up as long as you can. When it starts to falter, transfer yourself to the storage unit.

 **Delta** : I think I would be more useful in my current state.

 **South** : I'll dump my shield generator at the same time. There's no way that thing can resist the both of you.

 **Delta** : You are... abandoning me?

 **South** : It's my best chance to get out of this.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Yang shouted, "You shot Wash, left him for dead for the Meta, stole Delta, betrayed Command, who by the way were your only allies at that point, and now you're giving up Delta to the Meta and your shield so you can escape!? What the hell!?"

"God, she's a fucking coward." Weiss said as she shook her head,

"She doesn't care anyone but herself." Blake muttered angrily,

"Can someone  _please_ shoot her already! Why does she even exist!?" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Delta** : South, protocol violations aside, this seems to be a very short term solution. The Meta will only grow more powerful by integrating me in to-

 **South** : Program override, acknowledge last directive.

"Wash, for the love of God, shoot the fucker." Yang growled.

 **Delta** : Acknowledged. Preparing storage unit.

 **South** : Get ready.

 **Delta** : Shield failure in five, four-

 **South** : Get ready to eject.

 **Delta** : Three-

 **South** : Transfer to storage.

 **Delta** : Two-

 **South** : On my mark-

 **Delta** : One.

 **South** : Now!

_A grenade goes off at the perimeter of the shield, and Church, Caboose and Washington come over the hill in two jeeps_

**Washington** : There they are!

"I should say you're lucky South, but I would be wrong." Weiss said.

 **Delta** : New targets encountered.

 **Washington** : Don't let it get near her!

_The vehicles all crash and are abandoned and people start firing at each other, with Washington behind a rock and Church and Caboose behind a wall_

"So, we have a monster against Caboose, Wash and Church. I don't like these odds." Ruby muttered.

 **Washington** : And don't let her get away!

 **Church** : Her? Isn't she a Freelancer like you?

"No, that's disrespect to the Freelancers." Blake said, remembering Tex & York's deaths, "She's a traitor to humanity."

 **Washington** : Yeah, just don't let her leave!

 **Church** : Okay! Caboose!

 **Caboose** : Hello.

 **Church** : Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.

 **Caboose** : Okay!

_Caboose stands up and "helps" South with his gun_

"Oh! Well, that takes care of South." Blake said with a small wince, "Nice shooting Caboose."

 **South** : Ah, son of a-!

 **Delta** : Alarm, friendly fire!

"Nah, that's karma bitch!" Yang exclaimed as she smirked,

"You know, Caboose can be an effective soldier if you know how to order him around." Weiss noted.

 **Caboose** : Um, she got in the way when I was trying to help her.

"Don't worry Caboose, you helped the team." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Okay we're good!

_Meta walks forward and goes invisible. Wash joins Caboose and Church behind the wall_

**Washington** : Damn. It's gone invisible. Keep an eye on your motion trackers, and watch your perimeters, look for a shimmer.

 **Church** : It turned invisible? What is this thing?

"A monster." (Ruby)

"Insane." (Weiss)

"A power hungry, walking tank." (Blake)

"A product of some pretty fucked up shit." (Yang)

 **Washington** : It takes the equipment of other Freelancers, it must have picked up cloaking from Tex.

 **Church** : Wait a second, any equipment?

 **Washington** : Yes! ...Why?

 **Church** : Shit, Wyoming. Cover me!

"Oh shit, it has time distortion from Wyoming!" Blake exclaimed.

_Church jumps over the wall and runs forward_

**Washington** : What? Wyoming? Caboose, cover him. Grab those spike grenades.

 **Church** : No! Don't let Caboose help me!

"You're gonna get him killed again!" Ruby added.

_The Meta de-cloaks and fires very large shells at Church_

**Washington** : There it is!

 **Church** : Hey! How 'bout a little help out here?

 **Washington** : On it. Caboose! Toss that grenade!

_Washington tosses a frag grenade over the wall. Caboose throws his spike grenade right into the wall, where it sticks for a few seconds for dramatic effect._

The girls' jaws literally dropped to the floor as they saw Caboose do the stupidest thing he's ever done in the entire series, "Well, kinda expected that." Weiss said as she chuckled a little.

 **Washington** : …That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

 **Caboose** : Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way.

Weiss slowly stopped chuckling as she heard those words. The others' jaws would've dropped to the bottom of the planet if their jaws reached that far, "I-I… I have to go." Weiss said tonelessly as she paused the episode and left the dorm,

"Um, you think she'll be alright?" Ruby asked. Her question was answered as an Alpha Beowolf smashed through the  _wall_ , completely missing the window as it smashed against the door. It was heavily mutilated and even thought they knew the Grimm's anatomy, it was barely recognizable as all the guts and flesh splattered against the wall. Then Weiss came through the window, grabbed Myrtenaster, kicked what was left of the Beowolf out the window and went back outside,

"Uh…" Blake was unable to make words as RBY looked outside and saw that half of Forever Fall was _gone._ And Emerald Forest looked like _Jack-fucking-Frost came by and pissed all over it while dumping liquid nitrogen._ Blake was the only one able to see Weiss, her very Aura taking shape of Knight's armour and her Rapier now a Great Sword, killing everything in her path while freezing everything, "Uh… I think, I think Weiss unlocked her Aura Mode."

"…Okay…" Ruby said slowly,

"Ehehehehehe…" Yang chuckled nervously, "D-Don't worry, I've dealt with this before with Ruby. By my count, she should be stopping right about…"

" **FUCK EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE!** " Weiss shouted as her armour exploded, covering everything in snow,

"…now." Yang finished as she dug herself out of a mound of snow, "See, only a few minutes. She's fine."

"Yang, it's snowing now." Blake said as they looked up and saw that it was snowing, with dark clouds and everything, "And it's supposed to be freaking summer."

"And I think Weiss is dead." Ruby said. Weiss somehow landed back at Beacon, the snow caused by her cushioning her fall. She saw flat on her face while in (ironically) a snow angel pose. The girls decided to jump down from the hole in the wall to get to Weiss to see if she was okay. As it turned out, she just tired herself out, nothing to worry about. Though, she felt like pure ice before her temperature went back to normal. Yang repaired the window and wall with some wood from Forever Fall while Ruby & Blake took care of Weiss, with Ruby warming Weiss up with her hugs and Blake getting as much stuff to get Weiss warm. After that, the sun started to shine through, melting the snow as Weiss woke up,

"He's right. That was the worst throw ever. Of all time." She said as everyone went back to the sofa and continued the episode.

_Washington and Caboose both jump the wall as the grenade goes off, propelling them higher. At the same time Church fires a rocket at the Meta's head before the Meta freezes time._

"So close, yet so far." Blake said. She was impressed Church at least had a perfect shot at the Meta and he even would've gotten a headshot with a  _rocket launcher_  if the Meta didn't have Wyoming's equipment,

"Wyoming, finding ways to screw over the Blues even when he's dead." Yang said.

_The Meta backs away from the rocket, walks over underneath Wash and pulls his pistol and aims at him, then suffers some kind of electrical charge and time resumes as he flees_

"Looks like the Meta has a few glitches with all that equipment and A.I." Weiss muttered tiredly. She was still beat from her whole rampage. She felt like sleeping for a year, but on the bright side there's a lot less Grimm in the world.

 **Washington** : What? Where did it go, what happened?

 **Caboose** : You don't remember? You threw a grenade that landed in between us. But don't worry, I saved you.

"Really Caboose?  _Really_?" Ruby said, "You know what, I give up."

 **Church** : It used Agent Wyoming's stupid time thing from the ship! What's wrong with you, why didn't you tell us it could use equipment!?

"….Good point." Yang admitted.

 **Washington** : Why didn't you tell me that Wyoming was on the ship!?

"And nice rebuttal from Wash." Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : And why didn't someone give me something to yell about?!

"Because you're the only innocent in the entire thing." Blake said quietly.

 **South** : Mmm, ah... ( _continues to groan_ )

"But I can tell you who isn't." Ruby said as the girls collectively growled.

 **Washington** : Delta, are you here?

_Delta emerges_

**Delta** : Affirmative, I am undamaged. However Agent South is seriously wounded. May I suggest moving me to a new host.

"Could be good or bad actually. Getting Delta away from South is good, but now they'll hunted down by the Meta." Blake said,

"Like they weren't before." Ruby added.

 **Washington** : Roger that. I don't trust her anyway. One of you two take him.

 **Church** : Um... I don't think that I can-

 **Caboose** : I'll do it! I like meeting new people.

"Good thing it's Caboose. He could probably take on the Meta and he might even get a few brain cells." Yang commented.

_Caboose walks over and kneels next to her, allowing the A.I. to jump into him_

**Washington** : Delta, what happened?

 **Delta** : I agree with the simulation trooper. The Meta has most likely acquired both a temporal distortion unit, and an A.I. capable of running it. In this case, Gamma.

"There it is again. 'Simulation'." Weiss said, "What the hell does he mean by simulation trooper anyway? They aren't the best soldiers, sure, but what's the point of calling it a simulation when everything they have is real and people can really die?"

"Looks like Command has a  _lot_  of explaining to do." Blake said as she narrowed her eyes. She didn't like this. Not one bit.

 **Washington** : Well, why didn't it kill us then?

 **Delta** : I am sorry, but I do not have enough data to formulate an answer. I think we should simply be happy it is gone.

 **Church** : That makes sense to me.

"Let's just be happy that they're not dead yet." Yang said as she did a quick sigh of relief, "Now, to more important matters."

 **Caboose** : I also agree with the glowing person. Everyone else sees the glowing person, right?

"Yes Caboose. Yes we can." Ruby said as she gave the TV a quick hug,

"Kinda creepy there Ruby." Weiss said as she shifted away. The red cloaked girl only shrugged in response.

 **Delta** : It is possible the Meta has been injured in some way, and is retreating to repair itself.

 **Washington** : So, if we can find it before it does, we may actually stand a chance of beating it.

"But we all know things don't always go to plan." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Either way, I don't think we should be hanging around here.

 **Washington** : Then let's get moving.

 **South** : I can-, I can't walk on my own.

"Who said you were coming?" Blake asked rhetorically as she gave out an animalistic growl.

 **Washington** : Well I guess you'd better start crawling. If you think I'm leaving you here to escape you've got another thing coming.

 **Delta** : Agent Washington, if I may. Before you arrived, South attempted to turn me over to the Meta, to save herself.

"Strike one." Ruby said as she clenched her fists.

 **Washington** : Really.

 **Delta** : Much like she wounded  _you_  to escape in our previous encounter with it. And as I have learned, in our travels, her brother North suffered a similar fate.

Yang almost murdered the TV, hoping she could just reach in and snap her neck. If it wasn't for the others, she would've destroyed everything in the room, "Strike two." Weiss said emotionlessly.

 **Washington** : What a team player.

 **Delta** : It is highly probable that she will turn on us again soon, and in her current physical state, she will only hamper our progress.

 **Washington** : What are you suggesting?

 **Delta** : ...That we do not allow her to hamper our progress.

"Strike three." Blake said in a flat voice.

 **Washington** : Okay.

_Washington loads his pistol and aims it at South_

**South** : Oh come on, Wash. What're you gonna do, shoot-

_Wash shoots South right in the face_

"You're out." Yang finished with no hint of emotion in her eyes, "Rest in Chaos, South Dakota, because that's all what you'll be getting in hell."

 **Washington** : Yes. Good suggestion.

 **Delta** : You're welcome.

 **Church** : Dude, you guys are some cold motherfuckers.

 **Caboose** : I just want everyone to know that I have no problems walking. And I take full responsibility for the grenade incident.

"Just turn off the TV." Weiss said as Ruby turned it off. They sat there in silence as they started thinking over the episodes they've just watched. So much has happened in so little time. They knew they were going to be in for a rough day. They didn't know when it was going to end, or when the classic tone of Red vs Blue was going to return. But they do know this.

Everything after was never going to be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	48. Overkilling it (Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and I'll only use what's available there.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"So… how's everyone doing?" Yang asked out of the blue. It's been a few minutes since their last set of episodes and right now, they were just thinking how the season would progress, what the Meta was, the reason for its pursuit for power. They knew everyone wanted power for their own reasons. Some people would gain power to protect the people they love, others would use that power to protect the world, others however wanted power for control over people. Each person has his/her own reason for their pursuit of power. To do what they think is right. Whenever or not is it for the world or themselves, it depends on the person using it,

"I don't know really." Weiss spoke up, "I'm just… wowed. Who knew whoever created RvB had a flare for drama."

"Or they switched writers." Blake added, "Anyway, we should get through these as quickly as possible. This show is not good for our sanity."

"Then again, we'll go insane quicker without it." Ruby pointed out before picking up the remote, "It's pretty much a lose/lose situation." The team sighed in unison, thinking over the situation they were in. Sure, they were getting rescue but when will it come? Will it be too late? Were they dead already just living like this? "What's gonna happen to us?"

"Only one way to find out." Weiss muttered before she grabbed the remote from Ruby and pressed play.

**(Chapter 7: History Lesson)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to the inside of a sewer pipe that leads out to South's corpse_

**Chairman** : Your program was granted the use of a single artificial intelligence unit, for implantation experiments. Yet, the department records clearly show, multiple agents in the field with implants, during the same timeframes. Surely this must be a logging error, and we anticipate a corrected document soon.

"No, it's correct." Ruby said, "But how did they get A.I when they were only allowed one?"

"Maybe they made copies of the A.I they were given. Or at least based their A.I off that one." Blake guessed,

"Either, something isn't right in the world of Red vs Blue." Weiss said as they went back to the show.

 **Church** : Okay. I have a great idea. Let's all put down our guns, and not shoot anyone else that we're trying to help.

 **Washington** : Relax.

 **Church** : Exactly. Let's all relax.

"Church, you aren't a therapist." Yang said, "You're more suited for anger management."

'Why do I have the feeling I'll be hearing that a lot?' Ruby thought while rubbing her chin.

 **Washington** : Agent South had already shot me in the back once before, and she tried to give up Delta to the enemy. I wasn't going to wait around to see if she decided to do it again.

"Actually, she could still be alive. Double tap her just in case." Ruby said, remembering that someone could survive a headshot if the person misses the center of the brain,

"It's a waste of ammo." Weiss pointed out, "Anyway, with the Meta running around, he needs all the ammo he can get."

 **Church** : Right, okay sure...

 **Washington** : Stop talking to me like that.

 **Church** : We're not talking to you like anything.

 **Caboose** : No one is talking to you like this...

"The Blues are starting to sound like one of those bad daytime therapy shows." Blake muttered.

 **Washington** : You don't need to treat me like that. I'm not crazy, okay? I'm totally completely sane. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go blow up this dead body.

"Okay, not the best follow up to convincing someone you're sane." Weiss commented, "Then again, it is his job to blow up dead bodies."

 **Church** : Hey hey uh, uh, green guy.

 **Caboose** : I'm blue.

"Delta, idiot." Yang said, "Unless you're Sister."

"Like you." Ruby joked as she chuckled,

"Oh, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!"

"Until it stops getting funny." Weiss said as she giggled a little, causing Yang to just groan.

 **Church** : Delta.

 **Caboose** : Oh him.

 **Delta** : Hello. How may I be of assistance?

 **Church** : Hey yeah, uh, what's the deal with this guy?

"A whole lot things, Church. A whole lot of things." Weiss muttered.

_In the background, Wash shoots the body several times with an assault rifle_

**Delta** : Destruction of unused armor or equipment is standard recovery procedure.

"Yeah, but he could've made the armour detonate. Just get Delta to do it." Blake pointed out,

"Are you complaining? C'mon Pussy Cat, the bitch deserves it." Yang said, "Anyway, I guess this is Wash's way of releasing anger."

"I know, but like Weiss said, it's a waste of ammo. She isn't even worth the bullets." Blake said in an angry tone. A quick hug from Ruby calmed her down though.

 **Church** : Yeah, no, I mean is he like a whack-job or what?

_Wash tosses a plasma grenade at the body, and it blows up_

"At least save the grenades for the Meta. Yeash!" Weiss said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Delta** : Are you aware of his experience with Epsilon?

 **Church** : Epsilon, oh you mean his A.I.?

_South's body is well and fully on fire, completely engulfed in flames_

"Okay, where did he get the flamethrower?" Yang asked. The other girls just shrugged, starting to think Wash was going a  _little bit_ overboard with destruction of equipment, but they couldn't deny that fire was a good way to get rid of evidence thanks to Yang's Semblance. That also reminded them to find the surveillance room and destroy the tapes showing all the… "events" that had happened to them. No point of giving security heart attacks or masturbation material.

 **Delta** : Correct. Epsilon was an... unstable intelligence unit that had to be deleted. Its integration with Washington's mind concerned our superiors.

_Wash tries rolling things on to the corpse_

"Are those… explosives?" Ruby asked,

"I think so, either that or he's burying the body under a pile of crap." Weiss answered.

 **Church** : What do you think?

 **Delta** : I believe that Agent Washington's sanity is well within acceptable deviations, for now.

 **Church** : Wow, what a ringing endorsement.

_A larger explosion involving several crates, then one more for good measure_

"Yep, definitely explosives." Blake said, "He putting all this time, effort and resources into destroy the traitor when he could be out and tracking down the Meta."

"I'm going to say this again, she deserved it. Plus, it must be  **very** therapeutic for Wash." Yang pointed out, "And hell, I have to admit I would've done it."

"Yang, you're the very definition of 'Overkill'." Weiss reminded Yang while pulling out the dictionary and showing her the definition of Overkill, with Yang's face on it, "Remember." Yang just nodded while rubbing the back of her neck.

 **Church** : I'm filled with confidence.

"Oh, c'mon Church, you have to admit you've been through worse." Ruby said, "I mean,  _a lot_ worse."

 **Washington** : Okay, all done. Delta, I called Command. They wanted me to pass along condolences at South's passing.

 **Delta** : Thank you. I will be sure to archive that sentiment.

"Make sure it's somewhere unreachable and hidden under lots and lots of code!" Blake called out.

 **Church** : What did you tell them?

 **Washington** : I told them Caboose did it. Apparently they already have a shortcut on their keyboard for reporting his team kills.

 **Caboose** : Control-F-U.

"SELF BURN!" Yang shouted,

"Wait, did Caboose just burn himself?" Ruby asked,

"No, wait! You got it wrong. Command is mission  _control_. So it means 'Control Fuck You'. C'mon, didn't you hear the shortcut?"

"Um… sorry, I guess?" Ruby replied, still a bit unsure about the burn,

*Sigh* "Whatever." Yang told her adopted sis before pouting (AN: From snake screamer!)

 **Washington** : I would have told them you shot her, but, I wanted it to be believable.

 **Church** : Hey. My aim is fine.

"BULLSHIT!" The RWBYs shouted,

"You can't even hit a fucking bolder 20 feet away!" Ruby loudly added in (AN: From MASTER-OF-SURPRISE).

 **Washington** : And yet, the Meta managed to dodge your rocket somehow.

 **Church** : No no, not dodge. It was there one second, and it was gone the next. That's how I knew it was using Wyoming's power.

"Anyway, he would've gotten a headshot with it. You have to admit that was pretty impressive." Blake commented. The others nodded,

"Wyoming's ability is so over powered though." Weiss muttered, "The Meta could literally survive anything that can be thrown at it."

"But it probably takes a lot of power to run." Blake added.

 **Washington** : And he was on the ship with Tex?

 **Caboose** : His head was.

 **Washington** : His head?

 **Church** : His  _helmet_. Not everybody is as twisted as you are, Wash. Tex, took it for some reason.

"If only you knew, Church." Ruby said quietly as she looked down at her feet. Blake hugged her to comfort her, "Thank you."

 **Caboose:** That's why the ship took a year to crash. (AN: Not accurate as far as I know. I just added it in)

"So, the Reds & Blues got disbanded roughly around the time Tex left, give or take two months." Weiss muttered.

 **Washington** : So if the Meta has Wyoming's powers, it's even more powerful than we thought.

 **Caboose** : And as scary as someone thought it was to begin with. Back to square one. Scary square.

"Yeah, they didn't really make any progress apart from getting Delta. And even that might be a setback." Yang noted, "They're not any closer to taking down the Meta."

 **Washington** : Oh great, looks like it took one of our cycles.

"It's an ATV." Yang said, a bit ticked off.

 **Washington:** So, what do we do?

 **Church** : What're ya, askin' us? I thought you were like the big know-it-all super agent guy?

 **Caboose** : I would go home.

 **Church** : Yeah dude, retire. You got any savings, like a, 401K or something?

"You know, Wash should really retire after the whole Meta thing." Ruby suggested, "I think he's already had enough of the army for a lifetime."

"Maybe he isn't ready become a civilian again." Blake told her Leader, "Maybe he's just too good at his job to just quit." Ruby thought about before nodding. She couldn't exactly picture Wash doing a mundane thing.

 **Washington** : Delta, can you shed any light on this?

 **Delta** : Not without further data.

 **Church** : So why does it want these A.I. things anyway?

 **Washington** : A.I. help us in battle, depending on their functions. We couldn't run half our equipment without them. And if you get your hands on a smart A.I., you can be damn near unstoppable.

"Unless you have an E.M.P on you." Weiss pointed out, "I'm sure they've invented E.M.P grenades by now, or at least researching it."

 **Church** : What, like smart like Delta here?

 **Washington** : Not exactly. He's just the logical one of the family. Smart means something entirely different for A.I.s than it does for people.

 **Caboose** : Now let's not go throwing around words like smart for no reason.

"You probably wouldn't understand it anyway." Yang said.

 **Delta** : Wash is correct. We are more analogous to what you would call a "fragment."

"Fragment? As in a piece of something?" Blake said as she raised an eyebrow before narrowing her eyes, "I thought they were copies."

"Maybe they copied a part of an A.I and just formed the rest to make a full A.I." Weiss guessed, but she wasn't so sure. Why call these A.I fragments?

 **Church** : Actually, I don't care, so I wouldn't call you guys anything.

 **Delta** : There is one smart A.I. in the Freelancer program.

The girls leaned in closer. They knew so far that Project Freelancer was given an A.I and then somehow got more. Something wasn't sitting well in their stomachs but they didn't know what.

 **Washington** : Delta-

 **Delta** : The Alpha is a fully formed-

 **Washington** : Delta! That's enough.

 **Church** : What's Alpha?

 **Washington** : The Alpha A.I. It's nothing, it's a myth. A fairy tale.

"I don't think it's a myth." Ruby said, "If the Project was given one A.I, the others must've come from somewhere."

"And I guess this is the reason why the Meta is killing Freelancers." Weiss spoke up, "The Meta must've known about this Alpha and collecting A.I to create a second Alpha."

"That's highly likely, but we still don't know why it wants power." Blake pointed out,

"Whatever the reason, it can't be good." Yang said.

 **Delta** : It is hardly a myth. Agent Washington, you must have memory of the Alpha-

 **Washington** : Delta! Command. Offline.

"Okay, that's suspicious." Weiss said as she narrowed her eyes, "Did Wash find the Alpha and just kept it a secret?"

 **Delta** : Complying.

_Delta turns off_

**Church** : Oh. Sounds like somebody has a secret.

 **Washington** : I just get tired of hearing these things talk about their Alpha. And you will too.

"But I wanna know what the hell this Alpha is!" Ruby exclaimed. The others agreed. Whatever this Alpha is was the key to becoming superhuman. Or, in the Meta's case, a true monster.

 **Washington:** They get obsessed with the idea of it. It seems like it's all they care about sometimes.

 **Church** : But what is it?

 **Caboose** : Yes, if it's something really scary, you don't have to tell us.

"I think Caboose is actually sympathetic here." Blake said, "Maybe it's just something sensitive to Wash to talk about."

 **Washington** : The whole purpose of the program was the study soldiers with experimental A.I., but rumor has it, they could only ever get one. So they had to copy it. The original was Alpha, then Beta, and so on.

 **Church** : They copied them? Yeah, I k- I like that. I guess if one is annoying, then twenty of them are gonna be awesome.

"How many A.I does the Meta have by now?" Yang asked, "How many Freelancers has it gone through for one A.I?"

"My estimate: Too many." Blake answered.

 **Washington** : The copies became obsessed with this idea of the Alpha, the original. In debriefings they would always steer conversations toward the topic of the Alpha. Where it was, if they could see it. Some even took- drastic steps.

 **Church** : Like, shooting their partner in the head drastic? Or-

"THE BITCH WAS A BACK-SHOOTING TRAITOR!" The RWBYs shouted,

"Screw it, I want to punch that pathetic pile of shit." Yang growled as she cracked her knuckles.

 **Washington** : I told you, she shot me in the back first!

 **Caboose** : And we believe you. Even though we don't think shooting a friend in the back occasionally, is that big of a deal.

"And that pretty much sums up Caboose's mindset." Weiss said and she face palmed.

 **Washington** : Some Freelancers tried to get to Alpha on their own. They broke in to the secret storage facility where it was kept. They almost got to it. After that they shut down the-

_Beacon sounds_

"Oh God fucking dammnit!" Blake cursed,

"Holy shit, how is the Meta working this fast?!" Yang exclaimed,

"It must be a lot more powerful than we realize." Ruby said as shifted in her spot. She really didn't want to face this thing alone now.

 **Washington** : My recovery beacon!

 **Church** : Oh, great! We thought the Meta was hurt, but apparently he's just busy killing more of your buddies.

"Oh, don't be so cold hearted. They may not like who they were working for but they're human like you!" Weiss said.

 **Washington** : Pipe down.

 **Command** : Recovery One, come in, level zero come in.

 **Washington** : Go ahead Command.

 **Command** : Wash, we have a beacon.

 **Washington** : I'm getting it too. Do you have coordinates and an ID?

 **Command** : Are you sure about this I mean this is how we can be-

The team raised their eyebrows. What the hell was happening? From the sounds of it, it looked like this Freelancer was pretty special to Command. But they all knew that whatever this Freelancer was, they didn't want the Meta to get to him/her first.

 **Washington** : Command, you're breaking up on me, please repeat, how what can be-

 **Command** : Hold on, I'm not talking to you Wash. And, and you're sure. Okay. It's Agent Maine, Wash.

 **Washington** : What?

"What's so special about this Maine guy?" Blake asked.

 **Command** : Please confirm last transmission Agent Washington.

 **Washington** : Maine, how can that be? If-

 **Command** : Please confirm, Recovery One.

 **Washington** : Yeah, it's him. It's the Meta.

"WHAT!?" The RWBYs shouted in disbelief,

"I guess you could call the Meta the  _Maine_ antagonist." Yang punned,

"This is not a time for your horrible puns, Xiao Long!" Weiss shouted as her, "Holy fucking shit, THE META'S A FREELANCER!?"

"THE META WAS HUMAN!?" Ruby shouted as well. Blake couldn't speak as she was totally in shock that this one person wanted power so badly that it sacrificed its humanity. What kind of monster was it, she may never know. But she did know that the Director had a lot of explaining to do.

 **Church** : What!?

 **Washington** : Command, give me those coordinates now.

 **Church** : The Meta is a Freelancer?

"Yeah, we can't believe it too Church." Ruby said as she shook her head. This wasn't right. This wasn't right at all,

"Ruby, group hug, now." Weiss said, still freaking out she was the same species as the damn thing. Ruby quickly pulled everyone into a group hug and was trying her damn best to calm everyone down. After a few seconds, she heard Yang snore. She opened her eyes and saw everyone had fallen asleep,

"Huh?" She said as she let go of her teammates. She looked at her hands and realized something, "Oh…" She realized. It turns out that her magic wasn't what she expected. She didn't calm down her teammates, her Aura became a sedative and put everyone into a blissful sleep if she put enough power into it. Anyway, she needed to wake up her team so they could continue watching so she decided to get out Crescent Rose and fire it at the ceiling. The sound of the gunshot and some of the ceiling coming down on them woke them up,

"Huh? What? What happened?" Weiss asked as she slowly stood up, still a bit groggy from her nap, "Did we faint?" They tried to search through their memories but came up with nothing. All they remembered was getting into a group hug and then blacking out,

"Did you have something to do with it Ruby?" Blake asked. Ruby didn't want to tell anyone about her power since she wouldn't get anymore hugs so she shook her head. The others jus sighed before going back to the couch and went back to watching.

 **Washington** : Command. Command, come in! Delta, what's happening?

 **Delta** : Our transmission is being jammed.

"I guess the Meta doesn't want Wash to know where it is." Blake muttered.

 **Washington** : Tell me you got the coordinates before we lost it.

 **Church** : A Freelancer-

 **Delta** : I am sorry, I did not.

"Crap, they really aren't getting anywhere fast." Weiss said, "This thing is really elusive for something so brutish."

"It's smart. It's strong. It's almost unstoppable." Yang said, "This is getting bleaker by the minute."

 **Church** : You have got to be kidding me.

 **Delta** : I did receive bio-com data with the identification though. It appears as though the Meta is experiencing mass power fluctuations.

 **Washington** : Power?

 **Church** : Maybe all that A.I. and equipment can't run on one suit of armor?

"So it's running dry and without power, it'll be back to being human." Ruby said,

"Meaning they'll be facing it on equal grounds." Weiss added, "And with Church & Caboose as support, Wash could take it down easily."

 **Delta** : That is an excellent analysis. The Meta is most likely dangerously low on power, and will attempt to augment its energy in some way.

 **Washington** : Then we need to get to it fast. But where?

 **Church** : ...

 **Caboose** : ...

"They know where, don't they?" Ruby said with hope in her voice. They might be able to kill it for good,

"But where exactly?" Blake asked.

 **Church** : We uh, we might know where it's going.

_Cut to the giant windmill on Zanzibar, and the Meta running across the screen cloaked._

"Oh dear God." Weiss muttered,

"O'Malley's shitty base." Yang added,

"Well, the Meta does have Omega on him and probably told the Meta where to go." Blake guessed,

"They better hurry though before it charges up." Ruby said.

_Cut to Zanzibar, where two Red soldiers can be seen walking along the wall structure._

"It looks like Command found this place and made it a Red and Blue battleground." Yang noted, "But why there?"

 **Dellario** : I just wanna know why we have wall duty for the third day straight and Tubbs pulls motor pool every time.

 **Burke** : Not every time...

 **Dellario** : Every time! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,  _today_!

"It must be a sucky Thursday for you guys then." Ruby said, "Especially when there's a power hungry monster somewhere around there."

 **Burke** : Today  _is_  Wednesday, Dellario.

"Okay, correction, it must be one sucky Wednesday for them." Ruby corrected herself.

 **Dellario** : Exactly! And where's Tubbs? Motor pool!

_Dellario and Burke watch Tubbs from an opening. Cut to Tubbs from afar, who is seen sitting inside a Warthog. Cut back to Dellario and Burke; the camera slowly zooms in on Dellario as he speaks._

**Dellario** : Look at him down there. What's he doing? Nothing.

 **Burke** : So what, what're we doing?

 **Dellario** : We're on guard duty.

 **Burke** : He's on guard duty too.

 **Dellario** : Yeah, but he gets to sit still while doing it. We have to walk.

"He's the Grif of the Zanzibar Reds." Yang said as she rolled her eyes, "Lazy bastard…"

 **Burke** : ( _scoffs_ ) You complain too much.

 **Dellario** : I don't complain too much Burke. You don't complain enough. I have to complain more just to keep up the average. You know what I mean?

"Oh, for fuck's sake, someone please shut him up." Ruby complained.

_Burke doesn't respond._

**Dellario** : Burke? Burke?!

_Dellario looks over to his right, where he finds the Meta standing in Burke's spot, colored in red armor._

The RWBYs collectively gasped in horror, "Holy shit!" Weiss cursed, "That thing's better at stealth than Blake!"

"He wasn't even there a second ago." Blake added as she shook her head,

"O-O-Okay, when I-I said to sh-sh-shut him up, I didn't m-m-mean like t-that!" Ruby stuttered as she leaned back.

 **Dellario** : Hey, Burke... where'd you get that helmet?

_The Meta quickly kills Dellario. Cut to black._

The girls freaked out and jumped off the couch as the kill happened so fast. Some minutes passed as the team slowly collected themselves. Finally, Ruby broke the silence, "I don't think I wanna deal with someone like the Meta."

"I don't think I want to deal with someone even related to the Meta." Yang said as everyone got ready for the next episode,

"So, let's lay down the facts we know." Blake said as she got out a piece of paper and started writing down what they knew, "The Meta was a Freelancer who became power hungry enough to kill other Freelancers and Project Freelancer was only supposed to receive one A.I, which is the Alpha. All other are 'fragments' of the original Alpha and Wash knows something about it. Any theories?"

"Well, there's always the possibility that they copied certain aspects of the Alpha, filled in the code needed to create a full A.I and implanted them into Agents." Weiss guessed,

"Or they just started from scratch and based their A.I on the Alpha and were only able to get one thing about the original right." Yang spoke up,

"I don't really have anything." Ruby admitted, "All I know is that the Meta is trying to make its own Alpha through the other A.I so it could run all the equipment in its armour. I'm just wondering why. There's always a motive to every bad guy."

"Well, maybe we'll find out later in this season. Let's keep going." Blake said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Chapter 8: Blood Hits The Fan)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to a mechanical factory of some sort_

**Director** : I understand your concern that increased activity would bring increased risk. However, our fail safes are simple but foolproof. A dead or dying agent's beacon automatically notifies our recovery team, and we will be on the scene immediately, to secure all the Military's property.

"And you have a few dozen dead Freelancers to show that your fail safes are foolproof." Weiss said as she shook her head, "Next time, aim for Caboose-proof and then it'll be effective against the Meta."

 **Washington** : Look, there's our cycle. The Meta must be here.

 **Church** : Yeah because, no one else in the Military would have a standard issue motorcycle, just like that.

"It's an ATV!" Yang shouted.

 **Caboose** : Also, the piles of dead bodies might have been a clue.

"And thanks for stating the obvious Caboose!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Washington** : Just keep your heads down, and your eyes open. I'm going to advance along that wall. You two take Delta and move up along the other side.

 **Church** : Okay.

 **Washington** : Don't use the radio unless it's absolutely necessary.

 **Church** : Okay.

"Okay, they get it. Get going, the Meta's getting closer to powering up and you need every second you have." Blake said.

 **Washington** : And don't make a move until I do.

 **Church** : Okay.

 **Washington** : And no screw ups this time.

 **Church** : Okay! Are we gonna sit here on the beach all day, or are we gonna go get this thing?

"Yeah, get a tan while you're there." Yang said before sighing. She really wanted to go to the beach this summer.

 **Washington** : We only have one chance at this before it gets back to full power. I can't take any chances that you guys are gonna botch this.

"Oh c'mon! Caboose, maybe, yeah! But Church isn't going to botch it!" Ruby said, "Maybe."

"You are filled confidence, aren't ya, Ruby?" Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Delta** : Agent Washington, perhaps it would be best if I assisted you in battle rather than helping Caboose.

 **Washington** : No.

"Give it up Delta. After Epsilon, he won't put any A.I in his head." Blake spoke up.

 **Delta** : Statistically speaking, a Freelancer would be much better trained to use my-

 **Washington** : I said no. Now get going.

_Caboose and Church enter the building together, separate from Washington_

**Church** : Pst, hey, Delta!

 **Delta** : Yes. How may I be of assistance?

_While Church and Delta talk, Church and Caboose move inside the building, up and down stairs, past bodies, etc_

"The Meta must've wiped out the entire base before they got there." Yang muttered as she shook her head, "And this is just when it's on low power?"

"They better hurry then." Weiss said as they went back to watching.

 **Church** : Hey, can I ask you a couple questions about this Freelancer program?

 **Delta** : Certainly, I will answer what I am capable of answering.

"Finally, some answers!" Ruby cheered.

 **Church** : This Alpha thing, wh- why doesn't Washington want you to tell us about it?

 **Delta** : I believe Agent Washington is uncomfortable discussing our program in any fashion. He was one of the many failures during the implantation process.

"I guess the Meta could be classified as the program's ultimate failure then." Weiss muttered,

"Or its greatest success." Yang added in. The girls shivered at the thought. But that made them wonder, who was the real monster if that was true? The Meta, or the Director of Project Freelancer? They put it at the back of their minds as they continued watching.

 **Church** : One of the failures- how many were there?

 **Delta** : Several. The Director felt time was limited, and escalated the pace of experiments. I would classify Agent South as another such "failure."

"Oh… I have a million other classifications other than 'failure'." Blake muttered as she clenched her fists.

 **Church** : Ay yeah, but she didn't even get an A.I.

 **Delta** : Correct. Agent South Dakota and her brother North were merely another kind of experiment. What would happen if one agent received an A.I. unit, and the other did not?

"So she killed her brother because he had an A.I and she didn't!? What the fuck!?" Yang exclaimed angrily,

"Jealousy can make monsters out of everyone." Blake told her partner before sighing.

 **Church** : I guess we found out how well that worked.

 **Delta** : Precisely.

 **Church** : I still can't believe she killed her own brother.

"Neither can we." Yang said with a sigh. It was so messed up abusing a sibling rivalry for what? Science? Results? Out of pure curiosity? Each one disgusted her to no end.

 **Delta** : She put him in a position to  _be_  killed. South rarely worked in a direct fashion.

"And that makes it even worse, which I didn't think was possible!" Ruby growled, "The spineless coward can't even do the deed herself!"

 **Church** : What a bitch.

"To put it mildly." Weiss added (AN: From anotamous!)

 **Delta** : Other experiments like the Dakotas were common towards the end. For instance, Agent Carolina was implanted with  _two_  A.I.s at one time.

"Carolina? The same Carolina Tex & Church were talking about?" Blake said, "I guess that's how she died. Having three minds at once must've killed her brain or something."

 **Church** : Two of them? That would drive me nuts.

 **Delta** : Indeed. She only functioned for a short time, and not very well while she did. Having three minds at one time proved far too... taxing.

"That's a word you could use." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : Well yeah, but if Agent Maine has more than one A.I., wouldn't he be having problems too? Like that Carolina chick?

 **Delta** : Undoubtedly. Agent Maine's power symptoms are only a small indication of what must be happening inside his helmet.

The girls shivered at the thought, "I really don't want to know what's going on in the Meta's head." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Oh great, powerful and crazy. What a winning combo.

_They reach the mechanical room in the initial fade in, and the Meta is there on a lower level_

**Delta** : Warning. Enemy target detected.

 **Caboose** : I see it yep, there it is.

"Yes, thank you Caboose for stating the fucking obvious." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Yes, thank you for stating the obvious.

"Fucking why!? Just why!?" Weiss shouts as she smashed her head against the table,

"And next thing we know, further proof you're Wash & Church's love child." Yang joked, only to get a growl from the Heiress.

 **Church:** Look, there's Wash.

_Wash is set up on the other side of the room on the same level as Church and Caboose_

**Church** : I hope he gives us some kind of-

 **Washington** : NOW!

_Wash throws a plasma grenade down and it explodes_

**Church** : Signal.

"Yeah, the whole 'exploding Chupathingy' would've been a major hint, huh?" Ruby spoke up,

"This is just reckless." Blake muttered, causing everyone's focus to turn to her, "Wash should've shot the Meta in the head while in stealth. He had the perfect shot. Also, if that doesn't kill it, it would be surprised. Then he should've thrown the grenade, stunning it and then finish it off. Instead, he's attacking it head-on. This will not end well."

 **Washington** : ( _firing_ ) Move up!

_A totally awesome battle between Wash and the Meta ensues in which the corpses get hit more than they do. Wash gets the first blow, but the Meta gets the last, smashing Wash against a fence before bashing him to the ground before leaving the room_

The girls winced at the blow the Meta gave Wash before leaving the room, "Losing to such a weak weap-" Weiss stopped herself as she saw Ruby glaring at her with a dark aura around her, reminiscent of Creepy Ruby, "U-Um… Y-Y-Yang? Wh-Why is s-she looking at m-m-me l-like t-th-that?" She stuttered out,

"Weiss, she may be Cuddle Ruby but she's still Ruby, our Leader and local weapon nut." Yang answered in a deadpanned tone, though now having slight comprehension at what her teammates felt about her very healthy obsession with vehicles,

"U-Uh, um, I mean a somewhat weak weapon is what I would say about other compared to that awesome piece of weaponry, please don't hurt me!" Weiss quickly said as she shielded herself. The dark, creepy aura around Ruby disappeared but the young Leader still looked at her partner with suspicion before shrugging and went back to watching (AN: From Iron-Mantis!)

 **Washington** : Don't just stand there, after it!

_Church throws a grenade and hits nothing_

**Delta** : If I may, I recommend that Caboose and I flank to the right and attempt to surpri-

"Shut up and get going! It's getting away!" Yang shouted.

 **Church** : Just do it!

_Caboose runs off to the side and Church and Wash come up to a balcony, watching the Meta run from the building_

**Washington** : There, use your rifle.

The RWBYs just face palmed all at the same time, "Have you not seen Church's sniping? Are you blind!?" Blake exclaimed.

 **Church** : My rifle?

 **Washington** : Shoot it!

_Church fires and hits the windmill blade_

**Church** : Dammit!

_The bullet ricochets 8 times (with Church and Wash both following the ricochets with their heads) before finally going through the Meta's calf_

"Okay, 2 out of 10 for accuracy, a 0 for lethality but a 10 for style." Weiss said,

"As the team's official Sniper, I approve!" Ruby said with a nice guy pose, causing Yang to smile.

 **Church** : I got it, yes! Did you see that what a shot! I'm awesome!

 **Washington** : It only counts if you call it!

 **Church** : Oh bullshit dude!

"No bullshit, that's an actual rule." Ruby said.

_They arrive at a blood pool_

**Washington** : Look, there. Come on. Quietly.

_Tejano music gradually approaches from a distance, getting louder._

**Church** : Okay.

Blake then started to hear something, "Hey… what's that? Do you hear something?"

"No," Weiss absently replied… before she started hearing it as well, "Wait, yeah."

 **Washington** : Hey, do you hear something?

 **Church** : No? Wait, yeah.

Weiss just buried her face into her hands, "Goddammit…" Ruby then hugged her, causing her to sigh blissfully, "Thank you."

"Anything for a friend." Ruby said with a smile.

 **Washington** : What is that? Music?

 **Church** : What? Oh no.

 **Grif** : Yahaha, woohoo!

"Oh no..." (Ruby)

"Oh shit..." (Weiss)

"Oh fuck…" (Blake)

"Oh yeah! The Chupathingy has returned for vengeance!" (Yang)

_The Reds come charging over the hill in a Warthog_

**Sarge** : Ah!

 **Church** : Crap, what're they doing here?

"That's what we're wondering!" Ruby exclaimed before realizing something, "Shit, the radio transmission the Meta sent Sarge!" The girls groaned,

"Why do the Reds have to ruin everything?" Weiss groaned.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, suck it Blues!

 **Sarge** : It's Red Army! There's nothin's gonna stop us now!

_The immediately run in to a windmill blade and are stopped_

"Except for that fan blade." Blake said as most of the team face palmed.

 **Grif** : Aw shit wall! Aw fuck this!

 **Sarge** : Dammit! Grif you broke the radio.

 **Grif** : Good!

"After all that, he's worried about the radio and not the jeep?!" Yang shouted, "That's total bullshit!" The girls looked at each other before they moved away from the blonde brawler,

'I'm starting to regret using the couch now...' Ruby, Weiss and Blake thought (AN: From Yue Twili!).

 **Washington** : Who are they?

 **Church** : They're the Reds from our canyon.

 **Grif** : Double-fuck, windmill blade!

"And there goes the Chupathingy…" Ruby muttered while Yang growled,

"Every fucking jeep they somehow wreck…" The blonde muttered.

 **Church** : Look Wash, I don't know how they found us, or why they're here, but we don't have anything to worry about.

_The Warthog starts being raised up by the windmill blade_

"Uh… that's something to worry about." Blake said in a flat voice.

 **Church** : Seriously. Not a thing. These guys are idiots. They can't do anything right.

_The gun on the back of the Warthog cocks_

"But you can't do anything right either." Weiss pointed out as Yang started laughing like a madwoman.

 **Washington** : Uhm, we might wanna take cover.

_Simmons starts firing it at them_

"DESTROY!" The brawler shouted.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, take it Blue! Suck it! Yeah, that's right!

 **Church** : Aw crap, run!

 **Simmons** : Let's go! Assholes!

 **Washington** : Wait a minute, where's Caboose? Where's Delta?

"Oh shit, Caboose! Shouldn't he be with Delta…" Ruby started before trailing off,

"Against the Meta…" Weiss added,

"By himself." Blake finished,

"Well, shit." Yang said.

_Cut to Caboose's lifeless body as the Meta comes upon it. Delta appears, surrounded by 6 other captured A.I._

"Fuck! Caboose!" The girls shouted out,

"Is he alive?" Ruby asked with worry in her voice, 'Please be alive.'

"You idiots. You goddamn fucking idiots!" Weiss said through gritted teeth, "You assholes left Caboose to fight the Meta by himself!"

"Six A.I. Six fucking A.I." Blake said as she shook her head, "And it's about to become seven."

"Why do bad things happen to good but stupid people?" Yang asked, "Why can't they happen to assholes?" The team sighed sadly at the same time while shaking their heads.

 **Multiple A.I:** You're with us now, Delta. Welcome back, Delta… we missed you Delta. We missed you…

"Okay, you don't have to rub it in with the Meta getting a new A.I but fuck, you don't have to make it creepy." Yang said as she passed the remote to Ruby,

"And anyway, if the Meta is killing Freelancers and stealing their A.I, why are they welcoming Delta?" Weiss asked, "Is it because the Meta is messing with them?"

"Maybe it's because they want the same thing: To create a new Alpha." Ruby suggested,

"Or the Meta is their puppet." Blake spoke up, "And it's so deep into insanity that it'll do anything for the A.I."

"Look, we don't know but I do know that we need to get through this season." Ruby said as she squeezed the remote in her hands, "So no more talking. Let's do it." Ruby then pointed the remote at the TV and pressed play.

**(Chapter 9: Out Ranked)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to Blood Gulch_

"Flashback time!" Ruby declared,

"Wow, Blood Gulch looks even shittier than before, if that's possible." Yang noted,

"We experienced HD graphics. We can't go back." Weiss said before paying attention to the Chairman's letter to the Director.

 **Chairman** : I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target, was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence. If so, where did these additional A.I. come from? And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?

"Maybe the Director got them illegal means." Blake guessed, "Wouldn't be the first time something similar to that happened, even in the real military. There are people willing to go the extra step."

_Radio sounds_

**Command** : This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.

"Oh God, this again." Weiss groaned.

 **Sarge** : This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

 **Command** : Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues.

 **Sarge** : I knew it! I knew he was a Blue!

 **Command** : Gather your team, we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a level one directive. Good luck Red Base.

 **Sarge** : Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?

"Still wondering why Command is giving Sarge soldier poison." Yang muttered.

 **Command** : No. Good luck Red Base.

 **Sarge** : What about the robot nuts?

"And for the love of God, order a new speech unit or something!" Ruby exclaimed, "Fix Lopez! Seriously, you broke him, you fix him."

 **Command** : No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.

 **Sarge** : Well you don't have to get so testy. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar! Hello?

_Sarge runs down the ramp from Red Base to find Lopez standing idly doing nothing_

**Sarge** : Can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Stupid 4G network.

"Dude, it's all about 5G motherfucker!" Yang said as she went to get her Scroll, before remembering she smashed it weeks ago, "Really wish I didn't smash my Scroll."

"We all do, Yang. We all do." Blake said, still ticked off they had no communication to the outside world for five weeks. She also made her make a mental note to call the JNPRs to see how their rescue was going.

 **Sarge:** Lopez!

 **Lopez** : Sí.

 **Sarge** : That was Red Command.

 **Lopez** : Sí. Yo sé.

 **Caption** :  _Si. I know._

Blake sighed sadly, she still couldn't translate for her life. She missed knowing all those languages, 'Wait, when did I learn those languages again?' She thought before shaking her head. It wasn't important right now.

 **Sarge** : Were you listening to my call?

 **Caption** :  _I record all our calls for quality assurance._

 **Sarge** : They said those dirty Blues are up to no good!

 **Lopez** : Esa llamada sonaba extrana a mí.

 **Caption** :  _Actually that call sounded strange to me._

 **Sarge** : I agree! We have to stop 'em. No matter what the cost.

"You know what, buy a fucking Spanish to English dictionary if you're gonna go through the trouble of faking a conversation." Weiss said, "I'm getting tired of Sarge doing that."

 **Lopez** : Alguien caricio otra llamada.

 **Caption** :  _Almost like someone took another call and chopped it up._

"At least Sarge did something right. Make Lopez a hundred times smarter than him." Ruby said as she sighed.

 **Sarge** : You're right! I shouldn't be here flappin' my gums, I need to shake a tail feather!

 **Lopez** : Sí, usted se va para su misión falsa...

 **Caption** :  _Yes, you should go on your fake mission right away..._

 **Sarge** : I gotta reassemble the team! And I know I can't get Donut, so that leaves just Simmons... and Grif.

"Wait, why can't you get Donut?" Yang asked,

"I don't know but his grenades would definitely help a lot." Blake replied.

 **Lopez** : ...y quienquiera enviado la llamada le matará.

 **Caption** :  _...and you will most likely be killed by whomever sent that fake message._

"Very nice estimation Lopez. But we would've also accepted 'mutilated', 'destroyed' or 'completely fucked up'." Weiss said, "Yep, Sarge is fucked."

 **Sarge** : Ah, good point! Maybe I'll get lucky and Grif was killed. Not in a glorious manner like battle of course, but doing something menial and humiliatin'! Maybe he drowned in a toilet while cleaning it.

 **Lopez** : Pendejo.

 **Caption** :  _You're an idiot._

"That's what we've been saying for the past 5 weeks, Lopez. It ain't anything new." Ruby spoke up.

 **Sarge** : I know, I know, I'm hopin' for too much. Lopez, pack m'gear. I gotta get goin'!

 **Lopez** : Se hace ya. Lo embalo diario deseó que usted se fuera.

 **Caption** :  _It's already done. I pack it every single morning in hopes that you will decide to leave._

"Which probably would be never or until he dies." Blake stated.

 **Sarge** : Good ol' Lopez, dependable as always. Now Lopez-

 **Lopez** : Oh dios... por favor. No quiero tener un momento.

 **Caption** :  _Oh God... please. I don't want to have a moment._

"Aw… are you gonna miss him after everything he's done for you?" Yang asked, "Wow, you must have some fucked up programming."

 **Sarge** : I know we've had a lot of good times together-

 **Lopez** : No haga esto.

 **Caption** : _Don't do this._

"Seriously, don't do this. Leave Lopez alone so he can actually have a bit of peace." Ruby begged, feeling sorry for the robot.

 **Sarge** : You've always relied on my guidance and protection.

 **Lopez** : El adolescente le derrotó.

 **Caption** :  _You couldn't even win the fight with that teenage girl._

"Which Lopez will probably take care of after Sarge leaves." Blake said,

"I don't know if I should be sad that Lopez will be killing Sister since that's Grif's sister, or happy Sister is going to die so I won't be compared to her anymore." Yang admitted,

"Don't worry Sister, you'll always be Sister to us!" Ruby said with a grin as she hugged Yang, only to be pushed off as her sis yelled to the very heavens,

"FOR THE LAST TIME,  **I'M**!  **NOT**!  **SISTER**!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that Sister." The others say as they roll their eyes. Yang groaned slammed her head against the table. It was going to be a long summer for her.

 **Sarge** : But you're going to be on your own now.

 **Lopez** : Bueno.

 **Caption** :  _Good._

 **Sarge** : I prepared you for the world as best I could.

 **Lopez** : Usted me programó en Español.

 **Caption** :  _You programmed me in a language that no one here speaks._

"At least you get to openly insult them in every way possible." Ruby said, "That's a bonus."

"Then again, he can't actually warn the Reds of danger or really useful information." Weiss pointed that.

 **Sarge** : So take care of yourself. And always remember that I'll be thinkin' of ya.

 **Lopez** : Voy a ir vedar que la el segundo es tu van.

 **Caption** :  _I am going to erase every memory of you the second you are gone._

"Lucky…" The RWBYs muttered bitterly as they whispered a small 'darn'.

 **Lopez** : Apenas como ... y ...

 **Caption** :  _Just like I did for_  [FILE DELETED]  _and_  [FILE DELETED].

"He probably deleted the memories of Grif & Simmons." Blake guessed.

 **Sarge** : Nope. No words, Lopez. I'll see you again. In a better place. Adios amigo. Adios.

 **Lopez** : Vámonos viejo hombre estúpido.

 **Caption** :  _Just go, you stupid old man._

"And never come back! We've had enough of Blood Gulch for a lifetime!" Yang called out.

 **Sarge** : I'll miss you too Lopez! Every single day. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

 **Lopez** : Menos hablando. Yéndose.

 **Caption** :  _Less talking. More leaving._

"No tears shall be shed. Only joy." Weiss said with a small smile.

 **Sarge** : Me too Lopez! Me too!

 **Lopez** : El pedal está a la derecha.

 **Caption** :  _The gas pedal is on the right._

 **Sarge** : Heh heh. Now to find Grif and Simmons. I can only imagine what amazing adventures they must be having right… now!

_Immediately cut to Grif and Simmons in front of a Red Team firing squad._

"That must've been one hell of an adventure!" Yang said as she leaned back,

"What the fuck did they do?" Blake asked,

"Better yet, why is Grif still in the army?" Weiss asked as well,

"Small steps, people. Small steps." Ruby said as everyone went back to watching.

 **Red Mutineer** : Any last words?

 **Grif** : Yeah. You guys suck.

"Famous last words." Weiss muttered.

 **Red Mutineer** : Ready! Aim!

 **Simmons** : Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

"You know, now that I think about it, kinda saw this coming." Blake admitted.

_Cut to Sarge pulling up next to the dead Blues_

**Sarge** : Hello? Anybody here? Anybody alive? No, good. Blue sucks! Heh heh. Hhm, I don't think Simmons and Grif would have switched to Blue Team, but if they did it might explain why they all died.

"They don't suck that much." Yang said before she thought about her sentence, "Retract that, they'd probably get everyone killed. Grif would be too lazy or scared to fight and Simmons isn't that great of a fighter." While Yang was talking, Blake narrowed her eyes as she noticed a strange symbol on a pillar. She's never seen anything like it and she was sure it was not graffiti from the Blues. She put it at the back of her mind for now.

_Back to Grif and Simmons_

**Simmons** : Wait, wait wait wait.

 **Red Mutineer** : What?

 **Simmons** : Hey, uh, don't we get a last request? You know any- anything like that?

"He's delaying the firing squad so he could live longer." Ruby muttered, "Smart, but it won't work for long."

 **Red Mutineer** : What do you want?

 **Grif** : How 'bout for starters you suck my-

 **Simmons** : Shouldn't you at least read us our charges?

 **Red Mutineer** : You know what you did. You were in charge of our ammunition. And you lost it all.

"Okay for one thing: Never trust Grif with ammo. And two, oh c'mon! You could always get Command to send you more ammo. Just be strategic and use plans that don't require much or any ammo. And three, losing ammo don't mean you can execute them." Blake pointed out, "Plus, all the Blues are dead. No point in using ammo."

 **Grif** : Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo? Also, lost and sold to the other team? Two totally different things.

"Okay, now there's a reason for an execution!" Weiss said.

 **Red Mutineer** : Oh you're just delaying.

 **Simmons** : Yes that's true, but it's also true that you have to read us a list of charges. It's in the Red Army Handbook, section on firing squads, subsection 2.9c. page 94 third paragraph.

"NERD!" Yang shouted,

"Hey, if you were in a situation like that, what would you do? Be cool and die now, or be a nerd and die a few minutes later?" Weiss asked. Yang groaned as she muttered,

"Die a nerd…"

"Thank you." Weiss said smugly before turning back to the TV.

 **Grif** : You are going to die a nerd. So sad.

 **Simmons** : Do you want to die in the next two seconds or do you want to die a nerd with me five minutes from now?

"FUCK!" Yang & Weiss shouted,

"Don't worry Yang, we'd all do it." Ruby said in a comforting voice as she hugged the two,

"Thanks…" Yang said, almost drifting off to sleep. Ruby quickly noticed and stopped hugging them, causing them to wake up. They didn't know why they felt sleepy but decided to save it for another time.

 **Grif** : ...

 **Simmons** : Well?

 **Grif** : I'm thinking.

"It isn't that hard of a choice Grif." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**...Fine, yeah, what he said, section whatever whatever.

 **Red Mutineer** : I think you're bluffing. I never read that.

 **Grif** : Uh, did you read the Red Army Handbook?

 **Red Mutineer** : Ih... uh... no.

 **Grif** : That's because nobody has, except for him.

"And I think Sarge as well." Ruby added.

 **Grif:** He's memorized it.

 **Simmons** : In three languages.

"Please teach me." Blake whispered.

 **Red Mutineer** : Uh, what do you guys think?

_The Red Mutineer discusses the matter with the firing squad_

**Grif** : Is that a real rule?

"It probably isn't but hell, there's always hope." Weiss said as she got a bit more comfortable in her seat.

 **Simmons** : I have no clue, but they'll either read the book or read the charges.

 **Soldier** : Okay.

 **Simmons** : Either way we're alive for a few more minutes.

 **Red Mutineer** : Yeah, we decided that sounds like too much trouble. So we're just going to shoot you and say the Blues did it.

"Ah… the classic lazy fucktard option. How you've never failed us." Ruby said dreamily.

 **Simmons** : Oh, wait. I didn't think about the "fuck it, we're lazy" option.

 **Grif** : Nyeh, I thought of it. I just didn't wanna explain it. Fuck it.

"And this is probably why Grif was sent to… hey, that's Rat's Nest!" Yang realized, "Wait, oh shit, that's Rat's Nest."

"The Meta must've killed them all before it left." Blake guessed, 'That would explain the strange symbol.' She thought.

 **Red Mutineer** : Ready weapons!

 **Simmons** : Grif, this looks like it's it. Listen, there's something I always wanted to tell you.

 **Grif** : I have something I wanna say to you too, buddy.

 **Simmons** : You first.

 **Red Mutineer** : Ready!

 **Grif** : It was me that stole your identity and ran up all those credit card charges at the pawn shops and peep shows. Sorry.

Blake held back a laugh before she collected herself. She had to admit that was pretty funny. Don't get her wrong, she would maim him if it happened in real life but right now it was just down right hilarious.

 **Red Mutineer** : Aim!

 **Grif** : Whew! I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest! So what do you wanna say to me?

 **Simmons** : Hhhh, I seem to have forgotten. Hey asshole, can we hurry this up?

"Oh c'mon, I wanted to see what Simmons wanted to say." Ruby whined.

 **Red Mutineer** : Fire!

_The firing squad fires, but Sarge drives between them and Grif and Simmons and the Warthog blocks all the bullets in the flank_

"Just in the nick of time." Weiss said.

 **Sarge** : Simmons! Grif! There ya are.

 **Simmons** : Are we dead?

 **Grif** : Well if we are then Hell looks just like the army. Big surprise there.

"Seriously, quit the army already. I'm surprised you're even still alive." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : I've been lookin' everywhere for ya.

 **Simmons** : Sarge?

 **Grif** : Yeah what?

 **Sarge** : What in hell are you two doing?

"Oh, same old, same old. Getting killed by your own team, nothing new." Ruby said sarcastically.

 **Simmons** : We're being executed by our own men, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Cut it out. I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

"That is fake and a suicide mission." Yang added.

 **Red Mutineer** : Who the hell is this guy?

 **Sarge** : Oh, what is this? Insubordination? Aye yah!

_Sarge punches the Red Mutineer in the face with his shotgun_

"Oh! Right in the face!" Ruby said as she rubbed her cheek, "I could definitely feel that one."

 **Sarge** : Heyah! Come on you two, let's get a move on! Where's yer commanding officer?

 **Simmons** : ( _pointing at Grif_ ) He's right there.

Everyone just stared at the screen after hearing those words, "Wait, Grif is the leader of a Red team?" Weiss asking what's on everyone's minds,

"Actually, that would explain why they were about to execute them." Blake stated. 'It happened even on the White Fang.' She thought back to the time when one of the commanding officers led them on a raid onto a cargo ship, but completely forgotten the ammunition and Dust. The raid was a bust and he was executed the next day. On the bright side, he was a complete dick and he'd hit on her more than once,

"But wait, why was Simmons about to be executed?" Weiss asked,

Blake merely shrugs. "I dunno, accomplice? Either way, Grif must be the worst leader ever."

"Of all time." Weiss, realizing what she just said, smacked her forehead and groaned, "Seriously... just, why?"

 **Sarge** : ... Where, behind Grif?

"No, Grif's, apparently, the C.O of that team. You know, the ones who were about to kill him." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Sergeant Grif is our C.O., Sir.

"Now he's a Sergeant?!" Ruby exclaimed, surprised. "Why did they promote him?"

"Hey, it's Command. I'm pretty sure they weren't thinking clearly." Yang replied, 'Like they were thinking clearly to begin with.' She mentally added.

 **Sarge** : Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

 **Simmons** : No no listen to me. Grif is our commander. He was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.

"Well, that explains why Grif was promoted." Weiss added,

"But still, why Grif out of all people?" Ruby asked again,

"Actually, it makes sense." Blake spoke up, "Remember when Simmons was the temporary Leader of the Reds? He went mad with power. So it was either a guy who would abuse his power who would probably kill everyone, or a guy who's too lazy to care when everyone dies."

 **Sarge** : But who's in charge!?

"It's Grif, you fucking idiot!" Team RWBY shouted.

 **Simmons** : Sergeant Grif!

 **Sarge** : Okay see, I can hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense. Did ya have a stroke?

"Are you fucking deaf?! Grif  **is**  the Commanding Officer!" Weiss yelled.

 **Simmons** : Grif is a Sergeant. He's the same rank as you now.

 **Sarge** : That's who I'm talkin' about. Where is he?

 **Simmons** (& RWBY): He's right there!

"You stupid fucking senile old man!" Yang added in.

 **Sarge** : So, he's invisible.

"You know, I think he can't comprehend the idea of Grif being a leader." Blake stated,

"How?" Weiss asked, "Simmons clearly stated the reason why Grif was promoted, which is, by the way, a horrible decision by Command, so how could he not comprehend it?"

"That may be due to the fact that Sarge completely hates Grif. This may be speculation, but maybe Sarge hates Grif so much, that his mind can't seem to agree with the idea of Grif leading a squad or even being the same rank as him. So his mind blocks anything & everything that's telling him that Grif is a leader." Everyone thought about that for a while,

"Are you sure about that?" Yang asked Blake.

 **Grif** : Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

"There's your answer." Blake pointed out with a smug smile on her face.

 **Red Mutineer** : Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, 'cause this one sucks.

_Sarge punches the Red Mutineer in the back of the head this time and knocks him down again_

**Sarge** : Gah. Never talk that way about a superior.

"Did Sarge just defend Grif?" Yang asked, a little surprised,

"Knowing him, he probably didn't." Blake replied.

 **Grif** : Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it, Simmons is a witness!

"Not really, but it can be considered a compliment. Close enough, right?" Ruby added.

 **Simmons** : I don't even wanna get involved.

 **Sarge** : What's going on in this outpost? Insubordination, invisible Sergeants, Simmons has had a stroke!

 **Grif** : It totally counts.

"That dude just takes any compliment he can get, does he?" Yang questioned,

"Considering his history in Red team, I say that's not that far from the truth." Weiss answered (AN: From DraxiusKnight7!).

 **Sarge** : You two just get in the jeep. We're gettin' out of here. I'll explain on the way.

 **Simmons** : Shotgun!

 **Grif** : I outrank you, get in the back.

 **Simmons** : Fuck!

"Well, at least you have a turret with you." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Son, tell your Sergeant I'm taking these two with me. He can call Command for verification.

 **Red Mutineer** : But, you're taking our Sergeant.

"Who will not do it to save his life." Ruby added, "Anyway, he's just relieved that he's still alive."

 **Sarge** : What? I can't hear you!

_The jeep drives away_

**Sarge** : Engine's too loud.

"Yep, completely blocking every word about Grif being a Sergeant out." Blake muttered, "Oh, this is going to be a long season."

 **Red Mutineer** : What the hell just happened?

 **Soldier** : Hey guys? The Blues are all dead.

 **Red Mutineer** : Euh, I'm going to go lie down.

"Yeah, you go do that. There'll probably be more Blues by tomorrow anyway." Weiss said.

_Back at Blood Gulch, Lopez is standing alone in the middle of the canyon_

**Lopez** : Así.

 **Caption** :  _Great._

 **Lopez** : Ahora estoy solo.

 **Caption** :  _Now I'm lonely._

"It ain't so great having no one to talk to, huh Lopez?" Ruby said smugly, "I'm just happy my friends are here to keep me sane."

"Yeah…" Weiss said as she looked away,

"Totally sane." Blake muttered as she shifted away from Ruby,

"Completely normal in every way possible." Yang added as she laughed nervously. With everyone thinking the same thought,

'We're all going to kill each other by the end of the summer.'

 **Lopez** : Sigh.

 **Caption** : (Lopez sighs)

The girls gave a sigh of relief as Weiss turned off the TV, "Well, that wasn't that bad." Yang said as she stretched before noticing they were out of food in the room and heard their stomachs growl, "Well, I think it's time for lunch."

"I found some fish in the kitchen earlier." Blake said as she stood up,

"And I know how to make the best french-fries." Ruby said as she stood up as well,

"Why don't we eat something healthy for once this summer?" Weiss asked as everyone started leaving the dorm,

"C'mon Weiss, we always burn off the fat later." Ruby told her partner, "How about we go out hunting after lunch. We haven't killed some Grimm in a while."

"Emerald Forest is still snowing and I'm sure the Grimm population is zero in Forever Fall." Blake reminded the team,

"Yeah… but we'll think of something right?" Yang said as she shut the door, leaving the room empty and quiet. That was until the window to the dorm opened up and a woman with hot pink eyes in black ninja costume climbed in. She looked around to make sure there were no traps and made sure the team wasn't anywhere near the dorm before finally letting out a sigh,

"The things I do for my boss." She said before she reached into her bag and pulled out a couple of small devices. She quickly attached them anywhere where it couldn't be found and even put a device on the TV. She then found Weiss' suitcase full of different types of Dust bottles and bagged at least 20. Then she went to Blake's bed and found a strand of black hair on the pillow and put that in the bag as well. Finally, she pulled out a note and wrote on it and stuck it on the TV before jumping out the window and landed in a tree, "I hope they like my calling card." She muttered as she pulled out a purple crystal and disappeared in a flash of purple light. When she arrived at her destination, she smirked under her mask as she remembered what she put on the note.

RT was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	49. Noticing Details (Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself. God, I'm so TIRED! And it's 7pm right now.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

The girls sighed as they went back to the dorm, now wanting to relax after a really rewarding hunting session. They went to the couch, sat down and started sighing with relief as the closed their eyes to help them relax, "Is it me, or were there less Grimm in Emerald Forest than we usually encounter?" Blake asked,

"Well, it is still snowing and I'm pretty it's going to take a while before everything goes back to normal." Ruby answered, "But hell, they were really going all out on us."

"Well, we did kinda destroy half of their home." Yang pointed out,

"Whatever. After that battle with that Boarbatusk, I'm out of Dust." Weiss said as she stood up and grabbed her suitcase full of spare bottles of Dust and opened, only for her to glare at the others, "Alright! Who the  _fuck_  stole my Dust!?"

"Huh?" Ruby said as she opened one eye,

"That's all the Dust I have until we get out of Beacon and one of you found it decided to take half of it! Who did it!?" Weiss shouted, angry that she barely had enough to refill Myrtenaster,

"What are you-" Yang started as she got up and looked around the room, "Wait, what the fu-why does it look like we just got robbed!?"

"WHAT!?" Ruby exclaimed, "How did anyone get in here!?" Blake was about to give her guess about how it happened before noticing a note was stuck on the TV. She raised an eyebrow as she got up and picked it up. She read out loud what it said,

"' _RT was here_.'" Blake said, "Wait, what?"

"RT!?" Yang shouted as snatched the note out of the Faunus' hands, "Fuck! It's that jerk who keeps throwing crap at me!"

"Who?" Weiss asked,

"What the-you didn't notice!?" Yang was tempted to pull out her hair until she was bald but resisted the urge, "It's the reason we have those!" Yang shouted as she pointed at the glass sculptures of the RWBYs, "And that!" She then pointed to the large pile of rocks and paper in the corner of the room,

"Why haven't we noticed…" Blake muttered to herself before shaking her head, "Okay, something is  **definitely**  wrong here."

"Well, whatever it is, we're gonna have to find out soon or else we won't make it to the end of summer." Ruby said, "Yang, get my magnifying glass and pipe!"

"Nora has them." The Blonde told her sister without missing a beat,

"Damn it." Ruby cursed, "Oh well, Blake, do you notice anything else that might be a clue." Blake looked around before shaking her head. Apart from some disturbed objects, everything else was clean. There was no other evidence that could lead to whoever done it and it was probably hopeless,

"Great, we have thief trapped here with us. Great." Yang muttered as everyone sat down on the sofa, "Can things get any worse?" Weiss then slapped Yang in the back of the head,

"Yang! Do  _not_  jinx us!" The Heiress growled, "We have enough shit we have to go through already and for the love of God, don't add to that!"

"Alright! Alright! Geez, calm down!" Yang said, "We'll find whoever did this later. Right now, we need to calm down, relax and relieve stress."

"So… more RvB?" Blake asked. Yang sighed as she nodded,

"It may drive us insane, but it's the only way we can keep our sanity together for longer." She then looked at Ruby, "And a lot more hugs."

"Okay!" the red cloaked girl said as she saluted before hugging her partner. Weiss sighed as she started to drift into dream, only to be brought back to reality when Ruby let go,

"Alright, time for another set!" Ruby declared as she turned on the TV, put it back on to Reconstruction and pressed play.

**(Chapter 10: Idiotic Intervention)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to the firefight between the Reds and the Blues_

**Director** : Our records in this matter are impeccable, and I will refer you to them. It is true that we were granted the use of only one A.I. program, yet with special permission to conduct our experiments. That is all we were allowed to do, and that is all we have done. Of course, I am sure that you will agree, that the core mission of any scientific endeavor, is to find creative solutions to ...unexpected problems.

"Like every contract in the history of Remnant, there's always going to be a loophole." Weiss said,

"And what he just said is true. People need creative solutions to solve unexpected problems." 'At any cost.' Blake mentally added the last part.

 **Washington** : Where did these guys come from?

 **Church** : I have no clue!

 **Washington** : Do you think they're working with the Meta?

"Well, he is  _kinda_ right…" Ruby said as she scratched the back of her head.

 **Church** : Working with them? These guys don't do much working of any kind, so... no.

 **Washington** : Look, there's Caboose.

 **Church** : Is he dead?

 **Washington** : Hold on. Let me pull up the biocomm. Check his pulse rate.

_Wash does just that while looking at Church. The BioScan shows the following:_

_Pvt. Michael J. Caboose_  
Status: Critical  
Hr: 120 bpm  
Bp: 40/120  
Brain Activity: UNK  
Dist: 47.12

"You know, I'm not even surprised." Yang muttered as she shook her head when she saw Caboose's brain activity, "It has to be in the negatives, or at most the single digits."

 **Church** : Uh... you can monitor our vitals?

 **Washington** : I can check on the whole squad during combat. Keeps me up to date. It doesn't work on you for some reason.

 **Church** : Yeah uh ah, sure there's a... perfectly, logical, explanation for that.

"You know, stuff like glitches, faulty equipment, not having vitals in the first place, being a g-ghost. The usual." Blake said.

 **Washington** : We need to get to him. My HUD says he's alive but hurt.

_Church ducks out and fires up at Caboose, then comes back in_

"You know, you really get used to these guys shooting at each other." Weiss spoke up, "I don't know if I should be worried or sad."

"Probably both." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : How 'bout now?

 **Washington** : Stop that! And you missed him.

 **Church** : Fuck! Sun was in my eyes.

"He managed to hit the Meta with an amazing ricochet shot from miles away, and yet he can't even hit something fifty feet away." Ruby said as she shook her head, "I am just amazed."

"The Reds & Blues of Blood Gulch, amazing the sane every day!" Yang called out.

_Cut over to the Reds, firing from behind cover._

**Sarge** : Simmons, keep firing. Don't let up!

 **Simmons** : Yes Sir!

 **Grif** : And get the grenades out there!

 **Simmons** : Yes Sirs!

"Well, Doc did say leading was about telling other people to stab and shoot other people." Blake said, noting that Sarge and Grif weren't even trying to help, 'Then again, Grif is too lazy to pull a trigger and Sarge's shotgun won't even make it a fifth of the way there.'

 **Sarge** : Grif, stop confusing everybody. I'm callin' the shots.

 **Grif** : We're the same rank now, I can do whatever I want.

 **Sarge** : You're not qualified to lead in battle!

"As much as I hate to say it, he's right." Weiss admitted, "Grif just got promoted because Sarge wouldn't come with them, and he isn't exactly the type of guy you want watching your back."

 **Grif** : Qualified? How hard could it be? Simmons, you're doing a terrible job, and you should try to win harder. I mean try harder. To win.

"That has to be the worst leading ever." Yang said as she shook,

"Of all time." Weiss said without thinking before she shouted, "FUCK! ME!"

"You cannot stop saying that, can you?" Ruby said before she giggled. Weiss just groaned and buried her face into her hands, not wanting to speak.

 **Sarge** : That was awful.

"No kidding." Blake said.

 **Grif** : I learned it by watching you.

"That explains  _so_  much." Weiss said as she sighed, "And yet, another reason why you were getting executed by your own team."

 **Simmons** : Excuse me Sir.

 **Grif and Sarge** : What?!

 **Simmons** : (sigh) Never mind.

"Oh, this is going to get so confusing." Yang muttered, "And this is coming from someone who has a sister with multiple personality disorder."

"All you can do is hope Simmons." Ruby spoke up, "Hope that one of them will kill each other so you can focus on kissing one ass." (AN: From Autistic-Grizzly!)

_Cut to the Meta watching the fight on a video screen, and changing colour to red_

"He's trying to pass off as a Red like he did with the Blues back at Rat's Nest." Yang muttered, "They're running out of time. They need to end it before it gets worse."

 **Sarge** : ( _on the screen_ ) Simmons, aim for his bullets! Try to deflect them in mid air. Grif, come here! Your face can be used as a shield.

_The Meta walks down toward the battle, and the screen he was looking at starts flashing "Generator Malfunction"._

"That can't be good." Weiss muttered.

_Cut back to Wash and Church_

**Washington** : We have to end this. Caboose is hurt, he could be losing blood.

 **Church** : Ah, let him be. A little brain damage might actually be good for him.

"He already has brain damage!" Yang shouted out, "Seriously, I'm just amazed he still has enough brain functions to actually stay alive."

 **Washington** : Well what about Delta? The Meta could have grabbed him, or he could be trying to-

_All at once power goes out_

"That is  _definitely_ not good!" Blake exclaimed, "They're out of time!"

 **Grif** : What was that?

 **Church** : What was that?

 **Washington** : Oh no.

_Power comes back on_

**Washington** : The Meta! He must be powering up. We can't waste any more time with this nonsense.

_Washington steps out and starts talking through a built-in megaphone of some sort_

**Washington** : Red Team. Attention, Red Team. Cease fire. Cease, fire.

"Hey, is that megaphone?" Ruby asked,

"They get all the cool stuff…" Yang muttered as she looked down sadly. A quick hug from Ruby cheered her back up.

 **Church** : Hey how do you do that megaphone thing with your voice?

 **Washington** : It's a voice amplifier. It's standard issue, all our suits have one.

"Wait, so they have motion trackers, voice amplifiers and armour that is designed to absorb bullets to explosions, and yet we've never seen them use any of that at all." Blake said, "Shouldn't they be trained to know that type of stuff?"

"Maybe when they upgraded, they didn't bother telling them about the new features." Weiss guessed.

 **Church** : They do?

 **Sarge** : What do you want?

 **Grif** : Yeah, what do you want?

 **Sarge** : Shut up, Grif!

 **Grif** : That's "shut up Grif Sir."

"Because respect is important on Red Team." Ruby said sarcastically.

 **Washington** : We are not your enemy. My name is Agent Washington. I am part of a special task force-

 **Church** : Testing, te- holy shit, it does work! This is badass.

 **Washington** : Stop that!

 **Church** : Ah! Don't use that thing right next to me. You're killing my ears ya douche.

"One, you don't have ears. And two, you're the one probably killing his ears." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Wahoh no, we're not fallin' for that again.

 **Washington** : I am a special agent. From Command!

 **Church** : And this is the voice of God.

"Oh dear God…" The RWBYs groaned.

 **Church:** Give up your evil ways. Join the Blue Team-

_Washington punches him_

**Church** : Ow! Hey come on, seriously, you're gonna break it.

"Seems to be working just fine to me." Ruby said. Meanwhile, Weiss was in thought,

"What's up?" Yang asked,

"You know, I think I remember an app like that on Ozpin's Scroll." Weiss replied,

"Really?" Blake spoke up with an eyebrow raised. Weiss just cups her chin, digging through her memories to remember the moment,

"I don't really know. All I remember is seeing an image of a megaphone on it, so I just assumed."

"Why are you bringing this up?"

"Well, I remember seeing something like that on my Scroll. I wanted to try it out but I never got the chance and I think I deleted it to make room for more useful apps."

"Well, let's see for ourselves." Ruby said as she paused the episode and got up. The girls all stood up and headed over to the Headmaster's office, still with its door blasted off its hinges thanks to Yang, and found the Scroll still sitting on the desk. They went up to it and looked in it to see several apps, all looking very important to them, and found the very megaphone app Weiss had mention to them, "Well, what do you know?" Blake said, rather surprised since she rarely used her Scroll except for calls,

Weiss, who was holding said Scroll, got an idea, "You guys wanna try it out?"

"But what about the episode?" Ruby asked,

"Bah, it's not like it's going anywhere." Weiss stated, "Besides, we practically have all the time in the world." The team looked at each other for a while. Yang eventually just shrugged her shoulders,

"Meh, it won't hurt to kill some time." The Fiery Blonde said. Blake also shrugged her shoulders,

"Fine by me." Blake said. With everyone agreeing, Ruby pumps her fist in the air,

"Alright, let's go outside!" The Leader of the team called out.

(Outside)

The team went outside and stood in front of the statues to both test out the app and so that Team JNPR or anyone in the surrounding area could find them and save them, "Okay then, let's try it out." Ruby declared as she pressed on the app. The screen then changes to just a white circle with a blue background. They were confused at first, but then shrugged, figuring out it was part of the app. As a test, Ruby decided to yell into the thing,  **"HELLO!"** The result was an incredibly loud and ear shattering noise that echoed around Beacon and the surrounding area,

"Holy crap, that's loud!" Weiss cried out while covering her ears,

"WHAT!?" Blake shouted while covering both sets of her ears,

"Hey, it actually works." Ruby said, totally unaffected by the app,

"Let me try!" Yang said as she took the Scroll out of Ruby's hands and yelled into it like her sister,  **"THIS APP IS NO PHONE-Y!"**

"Out of all the things you could've said, and chose to use a fucking pun!?" Weiss asked, annoyed as she yank the Scroll out of Yang's hands,

"Says the girl who used one at the wrong time!" Yang retorted. Weiss' eyes twitched as she remembered that awkward moment after defeating that mecha she so desperately tried to forget. So in revenge, she decided to test out the app herself,

" **I'M WEISS FUCKING SCHNEE BITCH, AND DON'T**   **YOU FORGET IT!"**

"I want a turn!" Ruby then goes to grab it, but Weiss just pulls it out of her reach,

"You already had your turn!"

"But I was testing it out!" Ruby complained as Yang tried to get it as well,

"Wait, hold on guys." Everyone then stopped and turned towards Blake, who was in thought, "Isn't that app rather loud?" Weiss, Ruby & Yang all nodded as Blake continues, "Then shouldn't it be loud enough to get someone's attention? Especially considering they we're outside?" The three all thought about it for a moment before their eyes widened to the size of plates as they came to realization,

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT!" They all shouted as the girls crowded around Weiss as she brings the Scroll right in front of them,

"HELP US! WE'RE TRAPPED HERE AND WE NEED SOMEONE TO SAVE US! SOS! SAVE OUR FUCKING SOULS! HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" They all shouted into the Scroll. After they cried their plea, they noticed that it wasn't as loud as they hoped,

"Didn't that seem a little quieter that before?" Weiss asked as they looked back at the Scroll, only to notice something very,  _very_ wrong,

"What the fuck!? Out of batteries!?" The RWBYs exclaimed,

"Didn't we have enough power on that thing!?" Ruby asked, absolutely baffled by what had just occurred,

"Man, that app really the drains battery life on that thing." Blake stated,

"Hey, at least we haven't  _drained_ our  _batteries,_ right?" Yang punned, causing everyone else to groan as they started making their way back to the dorm before they all sat down and continued the episode (AN: From DraxiusKnight7).

 **Sarge** : Haw yeah, well, if you're Command, then you'd know our secure code word, wouldn't you?

 **Washington** : What? Oh right. Hold on one sec. The code word is... code word?

"Why do they even bother letting Sarge make up the code words?" Weiss muttered as she shook her head.

 **Sarge** : Baw, dahngit.

 **Simmons** : Sir, what did I tell you about that?

 **Sarge** : Alright men, stand down.

 **Grif** : Stand down? We outnumber them three to two. That's like a three with a two, that's thirty-two percent advantage. You carry the one.

"What made Grif a better candidate for Sergeant than Simmons again?" Ruby asked, wondering about Command's decision.

 **Simmons** : I don't wanna know how you came up with that, but you're actually right. What do you care though, I thought you loved giving up in the middle of battle.

 **Grif** : Doesn't mean I wanna die.

 **Sarge** : Gentlemen. They know the code word. There's nothin' we can do.

"Everybody and their mothers know your code word, idiot!" The RWBYs shouted.

 **Grif** : Everybody knows our code word!

 **Sarge** : Alright, let's try negotiating. Grif, I want you to get out there. See what they want. But first leave your weapons and armor here so they don't feel threatened. Check that; take your weapon and give it to them.

 **Grif** : No. Sarge, you may not think that I'm a good leader, but something about those Blues just doesn't feel right. And I have an uncanny sixth sense. So if you won't help me, I'll just have to get the local Reds to. This guy looks legit. Maybe he can help.

_Grif heads over to the Meta, who walked over next to a jeep while he was talking_

"I don't think he's a Red." Blake said, "Or human anymore."

"Oh, this is going to end badly." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge** : Grif, get back here! You don't know anything about those soldiers. To them Blue could be Red, or Red could be Blue or, they could be an opposite map.

"I'm not sure how to respond to that." Ruby said as she shook her head sadly.

 **Grif** : Shut up old man, and watch how a real leader works. Hey there, soldier! What's your name?

 **Meta** : *some kind of swooshing sound*

"Can he… form any words? At all?" Weiss asked, but no one answered.

 **Grif** : Huh, sounds like somebody has a cold. Anyway, listen. I need your help with some...

_The Meta lifts up the jeep_

"Uh… does anyone remember if Tex had her Super Strength thing when she died?" Ruby asked. Everyone shook, "Well… fuck."

"I swear to God if you throw it…" Yang growled.

 **Grif** : ...thing. Wow. That's a cool trick. How did you do...

_The Meta turns toward Grif_

**Grif** : Uhm... I uh...

_Cut to Church and Wash_

**Church** : Man. It got pretty quiet out there. You don't think they're really working with the Meta, do you?

_Grif runs by, chased by a tumbling jeep_

**Grif** : Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, ooooh God!

"YOU FUCKING MONSTEROUS PIECE OF SHIT!" Yang yelled as her eyes went red and her golden locks setting on fire, "OH, I HOPE YOU FUCK DIE YOU ENTITLED PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!"

"Did she just call the Meta 'Piece of Shit' twice?" Blake asked Weiss as Ruby started hugging her sister, slowly calming her down,

"Like I said ages ago, give into the insanity." Weiss replied. Blake was tempted to but shook her head. She had just gotten rid of Noire and like hell she would give in. She had standards, dammit! Anyway, when everything had settled down, she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Chapter 11: Memory Is The Key)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to the beach of Zanzibar where numerous objects fall from the sky as the Chairman speaks._

**Chairman** : Do your "creative solutions" include the circumvention of the safety protocols that every member of the Military must follow? If they do not, then I fail to see how an enemy has managed to secure not one, but several of your experimental A.I.s. The protocol is not a guideline, dear Director, it is doctrine. And no one is above its rule.

"There are rules for a reason, after all." Weiss muttered,

"Of course you would say that." Ruby said with a slight giggle.

_Cut to Grif running for his life as a tumbling Warthog chases behind him._

**Grif** : Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, ooooh God!

"I'm just noticing now that Grif's outrunning a jeep thrown by the Meta." Blake noted,

"I guess when he's fearing for his life, he'll do anything to survive." Yang said as she resisted the urge to shout at the Meta.

_The Warthog hits 2 palm trees, nearly crushing Grif. Church walks out of his hiding place._

**Church** : Oh my God, that guy got fucked up!

 **Grif** : What the hell was that!?

 **Church** : Aw, he lived? That's bullshit.

"You'd be surprised how many times they've almost died." Ruby pointed out, "Like when Tucker took a rocket to the face."

"Or when Grif got squished by the Chupathingy." Weiss added,

"Or when Sarge took a headshot." Blake also added,

"Or Donut and all the times he almost died, from a grenade to the face to a space ship landing on him." Yang spoke up, "Yeah, these guys are either lucky or made out of iron."

"Nah, I think Caboose's brain is made out of that." Ruby joked.

_Church returns to his hiding place._

**Sarge** : Grif, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, you gotta pay attention in battle! You can't let yourself get distracted by- oh crap, flying jeep.

_A flying Warthog, thrown by the Meta, nearly hits Sarge._

"Where is it getting all this stuff?" Blake asked, "And how many crates do these guys have?"

 **Simmons** : Run!

_Simmons and Sarge retreat, chased by several falling objects of considerable size and mass_

"Dang, that guy's really strong, even without Tex's enhancement. It could probably fight a one-on-one match with Penny and her robotic strength." Ruby said as Blake & Weiss nodded but Yang just looked at her sis in shock,

"Ruby, can you repeat that?" Yang asked,

"What? I just made an assessment that he might be able to handle Penny's robotic strength." Ruby answered, very confused,

"That. You said Penny was a robot, yes."

"Yeah…" Ruby said as she looked at her older sister, slightly concerned,

"Then why did I start a bet about what Penny really is if we already knew!?" Yang asked, "More importantly, why have none of you corrected me!?"

"Well, you see, uh… it's because…" Weiss tried to explain but paused when she realized she had no idea how to answer Yang's question,

"Okay… this is getting weird." Blake said, "Why are we getting these lapses in memories? First, I forget how to speak other languages and now we're just realizing Penny is a robot, even though we already knew. What's next? Yang's not adopted?"

"Yeah, li-" Yang then paused as she realized something very important, "Oh dear God…"

"Well, fuck." Blake muttered, memories coming to back to her, "Shit, what the fuck is happening!?"

"We're going insane. We're going fucking insane." Weiss whispered as she shook her head,

"Let's keep watching the show. We'll sort this out later." Ruby said, with everyone agreeing. But now the team was starting to question themselves. Who was doing this to them? Why is it happening?  _How_ was this happening? Only time will tell (AN: From snake screamer!).

 **Church** : Well. Guess they're definitely not workin' together.

"Really, Church?" Blake said sarcastically.

 **Washington** : Now that he's powered up he's just killing everything. We're next.

 **Sarge** : Move it or lose it.

 **Simmons** : Yeah come on, skootch, skootch.

"Hey, there's enough room for everyone to hide from insane monster." Yang said in comforting voice.

 **Church** : Hey. Get out of here Reds. This is our cover.

 **Simmons** : What is that thing?

 **Church** : You guys remember Tex?

"Who wouldn't?" Weiss said, "You knocked her out, got your ass kicked by her repeatedly, killed her, and you blew her up with her own bomb. Actually, apart from Wyoming, I think she was their only kill on Red Team."

 **Simmons** : Yeheah, the girl who kicked our asses all the time?

 **Church** : Yeah well this thing's like, eight of her.

"I would say ten but your estimation is equally accurate." Ruby muttered.

 **Washington** : It must be at full power now.

" _It's throwing cars_!" Yang shouted, "And perfectly good ones at that." 'I swear to God, if I get my hands on it…' Yang thought as she started choking the air in front of her, causing her teammates to shift away.

 **Washington:** Church, you and the Reds keep it busy. I'm going to help Caboose.

"He better. They're gonna need all the help they can get and I don't want Caboose to die." Ruby said, "Again, if the resets count."

_Washington runs off_

**Simmons** : Did he say keep it busy?

 **Church** : Yeah...

 **Simmons** : How the hell do we do that?

 **Sarge** : Looks like Grif is doing a pretty good job already.

_Cut to a pile of objects of considerable size and mass, with more arriving regularly, and Grif behind it_

**Grif** : Okay I get it! Stop throwing things at me you fucking jackass!

"You're making it worse, dude!" Yang called out,

"Sarge can compliment Grif, he just has to do a life-threatening job really well which has a low chance of Grif surviving" Blake said (AN: From RT fan)

 **Sarge** : Keep up the good work, Grif!

 **Grif** : Ow! Okay, that could have taken out an eye.

"And maybe your entire head." Weiss muttered.

_Cut to Wash arriving at Caboose's limp body_

**Washington** : ( _whispering_ ) Caboose. Are you okay? Caboose. Dammit. Delta, are you here? Delta?

"Too late Wash, Delta's with the Meta now." Blake said with a grim expression on her face.

_Wash places a healing unit next to Caboose in order to revive him. Radio sounds_

**Washington** : Church, I have Caboose. He's hurt, but I'm going to keep him alive with a healing unit. How are you doing with the Meta?

 **Church** :  _(over radio)_  Eheee! We're dying!

"So I take it's going badly, huh." Ruby said, "I thought Grif had it covered."

"I think the Meta just ran out of crap to throw." Yang guessed, "Either way, they're kinda fucked."

 **Washington** : Oh, great.

_Cut back to everyone else except Grif as the Reds' Warthog, playing Tejano music, skids past the room they're all cowering in_

**Sarge** : Hey, come on. We've still got payments left on that thing. You'd better not scratch the paint job.

"Uh… I'm pretty sure you've got more worry about than your insurance and paint job." Weiss said.

 **Meta** :  _(weird swooshing sounds)_

_Cut to Wash holding a chain gun_

"Well, I don't think the Meta's gonna walk away from this." Blake said as Ruby started thinking,

'I wonder if anyone's made a cross-weapon with a mini-gun…' She thought, trying to picture what weapon would fit with it.

 **Washington** : Hi. Remember me?

_Wash approaches and fires at the Meta with the chain gun, successfully hitting it multiple time before the Meta slows time, changes back to white, and leaves_

"Shit, that thing can take a lot of bullets!" Yang stated,

"That could easily punch through armour, how did it survive?" Blake whispered to herself,

"Seriously, Wyoming's enhancement is over-powered." Weiss muttered,

"Great, it escaped and it's more powerful than ever. Way to go Reds." Ruby said, feeling ashamed of her favourite colour.

 **Washington** : It's gone! Dammit! You idiots, we almost had it!

 **Simmons** : Almost had it? We never even hurt it!

 **Church** : He means before you got here! We had it crippled and you guys showed up and fucked everything up!

 **Sarge** : Aw yeah. You guys looked like you had everything under control before we got here.

"Well, they kinda did Sarge!" Yang shouted, "Well, apart from leaving Caboose alone and basically giving the Meta Delta." She muttered as she looked away.

 **Church** : Hey up yours Red. I don't see you doing anything heroic.

"Well, they technically saved the Blues from getting overwhelmed by the Wyoming clones so that counts, kind of." Weiss pointed out.

 **Simmons** : It threw our car at us.

"And it will die for its sin." Yang growled while everyone else was wishing that they had chairs again.

 **Grif** : I'm fine by the way, just in case anyone's wondering.

 **Washington** : Well, the three of you are staying with us now. I can't possibly hope to fight the Meta in this state with just Church and...

 **Church & Washington **(& RWBY): Caboose!

"Seriously, why do they keep forgetting about the idiot's safety?" Ruby muttered as she rubbed her forehead.

"In Wash's case, he has bigger problems. To Church & the Reds, they don't particularly care." Blake replied.

_Cut to everyone up with Caboose, still passed out peacefully_

**Church** : Wash, what's the verdict?

 **Washington** : I don't know. He seems okay. I think he was knocked out, I just can't get him to come out of it.

"The Meta is pretty strong, so I don't expect Caboose to get up anytime soon." Weiss spoke up, "But then again, he does have a pretty thick skull."

 **Caboose** : ( _mumbling_ ) Whuh, I, memory is the key,

 **Washington** : What's he mumbling?

 **Church** : I can't make it out, but... I don't really understand half the stuff he says normally.

"I think he said 'Memory is the key'." Blake muttered, "But what the hell does that mean? Did Delta do something to him?"

 **Washington** : This makes no sense. All his vitals check out. Now why can't I revive him? Hey do you guys know a medic around here by any chance?

 **The Reds** : NO!

"The last medic they had didn't really help much and like hell they're getting another one." Yang added.

 **Church** : Well maybe removing Delta did something to him. Like a, duh a coma or somethin'.

"Hey, you did the same thing with Omega and that didn't leave him in a coma!" Ruby exclaimed, "He just became dumber."

 **Washington** : Yeah, but there's no way to know that for sure. Unless you have a way to see inside his head.

"I can see where this is going." Weiss said as she looked down at her body, 'I guess being a ghost has some advantages…' she thought as tried to disconnect her soul from her body, but ended up only having her left arm working only.

 **Washington:** Prep him for evac, I'll put in a call to Command and get an extract going. This is Recovery One calling Command. Come in Command...

_Washington wanders off up the ramp_

**Simmons** : Hey Blue, why don't you do that thing? You know, the thing you do. The ghost thing.

 **Church** : Yeah, this guy doesn't know about that, so I don't really wanna let him know and freak him out.

"Yeah, he already has enough mental problems and seeing him as a ghost won't really help with that." Yang muttered.

 **Church:** Why don't you go keep him occupied, I'll see what I can do.

_Simmons heads up to join Wash_

**Simmons** : Hey Agent Washington, I think it turns out we do know a medic after all. But he's really far away. Maybe if we run around this corner right here we'll get better reception.

_Church crouches down and leaves his body, then re-enters Caboose's twisted, twisted mind with Wash right next to him_

**Church** : Euh. I hate coming here.

"Well, back in Caboose's head again." Yang said,

"And the insanity that comes with it." Ruby added as Blake raised an eyebrow,

"And it looks like he added Wash to his collection of mental images." Blake pointed out,

"Well, let's see how demented this one is." Weiss said, leaning back on the couch. While that happened, Ruby tilted her head as she started having this strange feeling in her gut,

'Why am I getting the feeling that this might be the last time we'll see what's in Caboose's head.' She thought, but shrugged it off and went back to watching.

 **Mental Wash** : Hello.

 **Church** : Agent Washington?

 **Mental Wash** : Yes. I am Agent Washing Tub.

The team then proceeded to face palm, "So close, yet so far." Blake muttered before they went back to watching.

 **Mental Wash:** How are you doing, Caboose's best friend?

 **Church** : Oh, right. Hi Agent Washington.

 **Mental Wash** : What is this place?

"Not even going to bother." Weiss said quickly.

 **Church** : This is Caboose's mind, so everybody here is pretty much as Caboose sees the world. That means everyone's gonna be either really happy or, make no sense whatsoever.

Blake looked down with a shamed look on her face, recalling the real Ruby seeing her mental images of her and others, 'Please, for the love of God, don't let her say anything about what she saw…' she mentally prayed.

 **Mental Wash** : I see. That's valuable information. I will take that information, and I will keep it in a special folder marked "Secret". Everyone knows, that is the best security there is.

The girls just stared at the screen in disbelief, "That's… actually pretty close to the original Washington's personality." Ruby said, blinking.

 **Church** : I see.

 **Mental Wash** : Don't tell anyone I told you that.

 **Church** : Actually you act a lot like you do on the outside.

 **Mental Wash** : I would like to think that's because I present myself in a very clear and consistent manner.

"Well, that explains a lot." Yang said as she scratched her head,

"But he's still not as close as the real thing." Weiss pointed out,

"Yeah, that's true." Yang shrugged.

 **Mental Wash:** Now if you will excuse me, I need to scare some people who are just trying to help me, and then go fight monsters and robots from the future. Freelancer power, activate!

"At least he has the Freelancer part down." Ruby said with a shrug, but for some reason Yang giggled, "…What's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing." Yang grinned, remembering the times where, when Ruby was little, she would use her cape to pretend that she was a superhero… and sometimes climbed onto the roof and attempted to "fly away", making their dad and Qrow worry and scramble to stop her, 'Ah… good times…' Yang thought (AN: From Yue Twili)

_Mental Wash leaves_

**Church** : Yeah, okay, good luck with that.

_Delta appears, as a normal sized soldier in green armor_

"Holy shit, is that… Delta?" Weiss asked, "Did he escape the Meta?"

"Delta is pretty smart but I don't really think he did." Blake said as she looked down.

 **Delta** : Hello Church.

 **Church** : Delta?

 **Mental Caboose** : Yes, this is my new friend Delta. I believe he has information for you.

"Yep, still fucking weird seeing everyone act like Caboose except Caboose." Yang said.

 **Church** : Awesome!

 **Delta** : Unfortunately, I have been taken by the Meta. This is merely a memory I left in Caboose's mind to help you along your way.

"Well, at least Delta is helping as best as he can." Ruby muttered, "Wait, did he just say that he was a memory?"

 **Church** : Well then how are you talking to me?

 **Delta** : I am not. I merely used logic to determine what questions you would ask, and in what order. Then I left the appropriate responses.

 **Church** : Oh really.

 **Delta** : Yes. Really.

"Okay, kinda freaky there Delta." Weiss said, "Wait, hold on, no A.I should be that smart enough to figure out an entire conversation before it even happens, even if Delta is smart. Well, at least very logical. Point is, how does Delta do it?"

"Maybe technology has gotten so advanced that A.I like Delta are smart enough to predict stuff like that." Blake guessed, "But you're right. Something doesn't add up."

 **Delta:** I left this memory in case you found it. Please tell Agent Washington, that memory is the key.

"Memory is the key?" The RWBYs said, wondering about the cryptic message.

 **Mental Caboose** : Memory is the key.

 **Church** : Memory is the key? What does that mean?

 **Delta** : Wash will know.

"So it's something in Wash's memory?" Ruby guessed,

"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's connected to Wash and it holds the key to stopping the Meta." Blake said.

 **Church** : Okay seriously, does it have to be a riddle? Can't you just tell me what you want me to do? How hard would that be? I bet this is your fault somehow.

 **Mental Caboose** : I just work here.

"And what a great job you're doing!" Yang said sarcastically.

 **Church** : Well if you're in the Meta, then why don't you just help us from the inside?

 **Delta** : Church, I have to be objective. The next time you see me, I may not want you to help me.

"Okay, this supports the theory that when the Meta gets an A.I, it does something to them to make them, but what is it?" Weiss muttered,

"Maybe it has help from the other A.I." Blake guessed.

_Church pops out of Caboose_

**Church** : Delta, Delta wait! "Memory is the key"? What about the Meta, what about-

 **Grif** : Uh, dude?

_Church looks up. Camera reveals Washington & Simmons staring at Church while in ghost form._

"Uh… awkward~" Yang sang out,

"Meh, it was only a matter of time in my opinion. Especially with the whole thing about not having vitals." Ruby admitted.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, turns out I'm not so good at distracting.

"Well, no shit Sherlock!" The RWBY called out (AN: From snake screamer!)

 **Church** : Wash, don't panic, I can explain.

 **Grif** : Yeah, see when Simmons was boring you with random conversation about nerd stuff, he was really just trying to distract you from what the blue guy here was doing.

 **Sarge** : He means explain the fact that he's a ghost.

 **Grif** : Oh, right. Yeah, he can explain that part too.

 **Sarge** : Idiot.

"Well, they lost Delta, the Meta got away, they probably have no way to track it down, and now it's more powerful than ever." Yang summed up the events of their encounter with the Meta,

"But in exchange, they now have the Reds helping them and they now have a possible way to stop the Meta." Blake pointed,

"That isn't really much compared to what they lost." Weiss muttered, "And I think the Reds are more of burden than anything else."

"But at least it's more than they have before the whole thing." Ruby said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Chapter 12: Broken Truth)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to Caboose's mind_

**Director** : I too hold the protocol in the highest regard. The doctrine kept us all safe durin' the Great War. If you are insinuating Sir, that we violated it in any way, or that we were derelict in our duty to the military, well then I suggest you be direct, and tell me exactly how we did so.

"It looks like the Director is saying that he thought everything he did was within the rules, and the Chairman should've been clearer with them." Blake muttered, "Another strategy to convince them that he wasn't doing anything wrong."

_Cut to Church's ghost standing over Caboose's body, surrounded by everyone else_

**Washington** : What is going on?

 **Church** : Wash, stay calm. We can explain.

 **Washington** : I don't want explanations, I want the truth. Now. When were you gonna tell me about this?

"Well, Caboose kinda blew it back at Church's base, but I guess Wash brushed it off as Caboose being stupid." Weiss guessed.

 **Church** : Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning. You see, Caboose here, killed me by accident once. Well actually, more than once.

 **Caboose** : Not my fault. Tucker did it.

"He isn't even there!" Yang exclaimed before sighing, "Well, at least we don't have hear his catchphrase anymore."

"But I doubt we'll go a season without it." Ruby said, "You have to admit, it's sort of a staple in the series." Everyone thought about it before nodding their heads and went back to watching.

 **Church** : Shut up.

 **Washington** : He killed you. As in... dead.

"That's what getting killed means Wash. It ain't exactly rocket science." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Then we reached an agreement. I built Blue over here a new body-

 **Church** : Agreement? More like we kicked your ass, and you didn't have much of a choice of what you wanted to do.

"If I remember this correctly, they captured Donut and traded him for robot bodies for Church and Tex." Weiss said, "And then there was something mayonnaise and something about a crock pot…?"

"I think that's the gist of it." Blake told the Ice Heiress, "Though I think Donut thought Blue Base was a store… again."

 **Sarge** : Who kicked what now?

 **Simmons** : What're you an idiot?

 **Sarge** : You wanna take that back.

 **Church** : You guys totally gave up!

"Oh, now I remember!" Ruby spoke up, "The Blues wanted to negotiate with the Reds because they had Donut but the Reds wanted a surrender from the Blues, so Simmons shot at them and made them surrender. But Blues got them to build two robots in exchange for Donut, and then the whole thing with O'Malley started and blah blah blah, here they are!"

"Nice memory, Ruby." Weiss said.

 **Grif** : Bullshit.

 **Church** : That was the time that Texas kicked your asses all over-

 **Washington** : Stop. Focus. How did you build him a body?

 **Sarge** : With a robot kit of course. I'd already used ours to build our helper. Lopez.

"Huh, I thought they had to work with raw materials to make those robots." Yang said, "But I guess it's way easier to have a kit than start from scratch."

 **Simmons** : And a mighty fine job you did too, Sir.

 **Grif** : Yeheah, it's always great to have a helper no one can understand.

 **Sarge** : Blue Team hadn't used theirs for some reason, and they even had an extra. We used that for your buddy uh, whatsername.

"I'm guessing they either didn't know they had one, or weren't smart enough to build one." Blake guessed.

 **Washington** : And that didn't strike anyone as odd? That you would have a kit to build a robot that looks like a soldier?

"I thought it was just to even the odds just in case a soldier dies." Weiss spoke up as she narrowed her eyes, "Anyway, everyone looks like robots anyway."

 **Simmons** : That's just standard issue equipment. Right?

 **Washington** : What? No. Have you ever run in to anyone else who has one?

 **Simmons** : We don't really get out that often.

"And when they do, they almost die most of the time or do what they do back at Blood Gulch and do nothing." Ruby said,

"Okay, something is definitely up." Yang said as she got a feeling in her gut.

 **Sarge** : Okay, smart guy. If they're so rare, then why did Command send us upgraded ones when we were told to ship out to Rat's Nest?

"Wait, they wanted everyone from Blood Gulch to go to Rat's Nest and yet Church was sent somewhere else." Blake muttered, "I smell something fishy."

"Of course you would say that, Pussy Cat." Yang said as she chuckled a little,

"Oh shut up, Sister."

"Oh! For the love of fucking God, I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Sister." RWB said as they rolled their eyes, causing Yang to sigh grumpily. A quick hug from Ruby restored her attitude.

 **Church** : You guys went to Rat's Nest too?

 **Sarge** : I used some of the spare parts to spruce up Lopez.

 **Simmons** : Spare parts? Did you fix his voice thing?

"Oh… well, that's kinda awkward." Ruby said, remembering that Lopez was still speaking his signature broken Spanish before Sarge left Blood Gulch.

 **Sarge** : You know, I didn't even think about that until just this second. Kind of obvious in hindsight. Probably best not to mention it to him if you see him.

 **Simmons** : Meh, he wouldn't understand anyway.

"He would, and he will break you for that." Yang told the Reds.

 **Church** : Your team sucks.

 **Sarge** : At least our robot isn't the leader of our team. Bluebot.

"Oh, like your team is better!" Weiss retorted, "Let's remember all the times you tried to kill Grif, the time you gave Simmons' organs to Grif and made your Lieutenant a cyborg!"

_Caboose finally wakes up and springs in to the conversation_

**Caboose** : Hey! That's not nice. He means us right?

"Glad to see you up, Caboose." Ruby said with a smile on her face.

 **Church** : Yes, and shut up.

 **Washington** : Stop it! I can't stand this. No more bickering. You have to be the most immature soldiers I've ever met!

 **Grif** : Your face is immature.

"So… these are our guardians of the galaxy?" Yang asked, "A ghost who can't hit a mountain, an idiot with a negative IQ, a senile old man who can't even make a good password, a lazy, immature man-child, a smart kiss-ass with issues and an agent with mental problems. And these guys are supposed to stop what literally is the definition of a monster from getting more power and killing everything in its sight? Yeah… the galaxy's kinda fucked."

"Well, they did save the galaxy once from O'Malley I guess and they dealt with him better than other soldiers. But this whole thing with the Meta might be too much for them." Blake muttered, "But only time will tell what will happen to them."

 **Washington** : Shut up. From now on everyone just keep quiet and don't talk unless I ask you a question. That's an order. I need to figure this out.

 **Sarge** : Hold on, you can't order us around!

 **Washington** : Yes, I can.

"He is from Command after all." Yang stated.

 **Sarge** : What's your rank?

That got the girls thinking. He's a Recovery Agent and a Freelancer, but they were sure they weren't actual ranks. They shook their heads, deeming the thought unimportant for now and went back to watching.

 **Washington** : My rank? You still don't get it, do you? You think you're real soldiers? You're not. You guys are nothing.

"What?" Ruby said, still confused. The others were with their leader. What the hell was Wash talking about?

 **Grif** : Whatever. Your face is... nothing.

 **Washington** : We used your outposts as testing grounds. Practice.

"Wait,  _practice_!?" Yang exclaimed, "What!? I know they aren't the best but… fuck!"

"The whole Red vs Blue war really is a lie…" Blake muttered as she shook her head, "I bet that war Wyoming mentioned was long over and he knew it."

"So Command gave people real guns and armour, shipped them off to who knows the fuck where and used them for what? Target practice!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?" Weiss shouted angrily,

"This is just wrong…" Ruby whispered, "They have the fucking nerve to take them away from their families, their friends, for a war that doesn't even exist! People. Fucking. Died. Church! Flowers! The Blues at Rat's Nest! Tex! Numerous fucking other Reds and Blues all over the fucking galaxy! They all died for nothing! Nothing at all apart from training fucking troops!" Ruby then started growling, "You know what Wash? They may be idiots, and they may not be the best, they may even try to kill each other, but they're twice the soldier you are." The others looked at Ruby in disbelief before they looked at each other,

"They aren't twice the soldier Wash is." Yang whispered, "They're twice the human Wash will ever be."

 **Washington:** You never noticed that you never had anything to do unless a Freelancer showed up, or you made a call to Command?

 **Sarge** : ...You're makin' that up.

"Sadly, he isn't." Blake muttered, remembering everything that had happened from Season 1 to 5, "Also, that means they're not even in the future. They were just knocked out by the bomb and put somewhere else by Command. Fucking bastards…"

"Well, it fits the description of Command: Lying fucktards without a limit." Weiss added,

"But wait, there's something I still don't get." Ruby spoke up, "How did Church end up in the past, make clones of himself, one of which was in Caboose's head, and do all that shit?"

"Well, it looks like Command's Simulation Trooper program just went off the rails and I don't think any amount of lies can put them back on." Yang replied, remembering what Wash had called Caboose & Church a few episodes back.

 **Washington** : Am I? Think about it. Name one thing that ever happened to you that wasn't directly preceded by Command calling you, or sending someone to your base. One thing. ...Anything? No? I thought so.

"Well, you don't have to be a dick about it!" Yang growled.

 **Washington:** You three go assess the vehicles. See if you can find some trail of the Meta while you're at it.

 **Simmons** : Ooh, finally a take-charge leader! I like it!

"Oh… I can feel a Noire joke coming…" Blake groaned as she buried her face into her hands.

 **Sarge and Grif** : Shut up.

 **Washington** : Church, get back in your armor. You're just going to draw attention to yourself like that.

 **Church** : Fine. But first-

 **Washington** : No, no first, get in your armor.

 **Church** : I really think I should tell you what it is-

 **Washington** : Sh.

 **Church** : I have a message from Delta.

 **Washington** : Delta? Why didn't you tell me?

"Oh, shut up, you asshole!" Weiss spoke up, "Sure, I get why but at least listen to what people have to say. You might be surprised by what they have to say."

"Like an old man in an insane asylum who spouts out wisdom, but lost in the insanity." Ruby added.

 **Church** : Oh come on, seriously?

 **Washington** : How did you get in contact with him?

 **Church** : He left a message for me in Caboose's head. Actually for me to give to you. I guess he figured out I would get in there and find it.

 **Washington** : How would he know that? Did he know what you are?

 **Church** : Well I didn't tell him. But he seemed pretty smart. Maybe he just put two and two together.

"That, and maybe Delta looked into Caboose's memories." Blake said, "Caboose may not know what he's seeing most of the time but Delta can… maybe, if the memories are as messed up as Caboose's head."

 **Caboose** : Four!

 **Church** : That wasn't a test.

 **Caboose** : Yes it was I won A-plus.

"You know, I'm wondering why Caboose joined the military in the first place." Ruby said, "Better yet, why they accepted him, or even why he's still there."

 **Washington** : What was the message?

 **Church** : He said "Memory is the key."

 **Washington** : Memory is the key. Did he say anything else?

 **Church** : Nothin' important.

"Apart from Delta not wanting to be saved anymore and now working with the Meta against his own will." Yang muttered.

 **Caboose** : Memory is the key? What does that mean?

 **Church** : He said Wash would know.

 **Washington** : Memory is the key.

 **Church** : Yeah I know, it didn't make any sense to me either. Just sounded like some kind of stupid riddle or somethin'.

"Yeah, he should've been clearer. I know Delta's smart but why say something so cryptic when he could've just said it outright, it makes more sense." Weiss thought out loud, "So why say 'Memory is the key', how is it going to stop the Meta?"

 **Washington** : Gather your gear. We're leaving. Now.

 **Caboose** : I think he's angry because of what you said to him.

 **Church** : Yeah. If I knew it was gonna make him leave I would've said it sooner.

_Cut to Wash arriving at the Reds and an overturned jeep_

**Washington** : What's the status of the vehicles? Report.

 **Grif** : You could have asked nicely.

 **Washington** : You're right, I could. Report.

"Oh, the guy has jokes now. Great…" Ruby muttered as she rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge** : They're all busted. We could probably fix one by takin' parts from all the others. That's one of my specialties. Gonna take a while though.

 **Washington** : How long?

 **Sarge** : Couple-a days.

 **Washington** : No time. We need to start moving ASAP. And we need six seats. You're gonna have to get me two jeeps in a few hours.

"Not possible." Blake said, "He doesn't have Lopez helping him, Grif and Simmons aren't mechanics and they might have the tools to fix the jeep but not the resources they need. They're either gonna have to find another car, or salvage the base and make the parts themselves. The latter is unlikely however as, like I said, Sarge is the only person able to repair the car. They're better off finding another one, but that might take up more time than it should."

"Or they could always, you know, sit on each other's laps." Yang suggested, "Maybe make a side car or something."

"Oh! You're one to talk!" Ruby exclaimed, "You could've killed me on Moto-kun! He doesn't have seatbelts, you know!"

"I told you to hold on!"

"Get a side car and stop speeding!"

"NEVER!" Weiss & Blake just smiled and shook their heads at the bickering sisters. It was stuff like that they made them glad they were a team. When they stopped fighting, they continued the episode.

 **Sarge** : No can do. Not gonna happen.

 **Washington** : Then we'll have to get them somewhere else. And I know exactly where we can find them.

 **Church** : Why, where are we going?

 **Washington** : Delta was right. Memory is the key.

 **Church** : But what does that mean?

 **Washington** : It means that only one thing remembers everything about these A.I. and where they come from. It will know how to stop them. We need to unlock the Alpha.

 **Church** : The Alpha?

"I thought the Alpha was a myth!" Yang said,

"I guess Wash was lying at first." Blake guessed,

"It looks like it's time find the source of all A.I." Weiss said with a smirk, "They're going to find the Alpha figure out its secrets and put a stop to the Meta's rampage once and for all!"

"Oh, the Meta's gonna get it now!" Ruby said as she smiled. Now the Reds & Blues were getting closer to defeating the Meta. All they needed was the power of a smart A.I, "But where is it?"

 **Washington** : And that means we're going home. ...We're going to Command.

"I think it's time for Command's secrets to find out." Weiss said, "Hell, they might even stop whole Simulation program once and for all!"

_After end credits, cut to Doc standing in the middle of the facility_

"Oh. Right. Wash must've called Doc to revive Caboose." Yang said, "Well, that's kinda awkward."

"And now that I think about it, shouldn't Doc know about the whole RvB war being fake since he's also part of Command and not a Red or a Blue?" Ruby pointed out,

"I suppose you're right." Blake muttered.

 **Doc** : Hey guys? I'm here! Anybody?! You guys suck. Stupid windmill.

"Well, at least he's starting to grow a backbone now." Weiss said as she got up, "Now, I'm gonna go out and kill the fucking thief who stole my Dust. I'll be right back." The Heiress then walked out of the room with Myrtenaster in hand,

"You know what, I'm gonna see if I can find this RT guy and beat him up and see what he knows." Yang said as she went out as well,

"You going out Blake?" Ruby asked the Faunus,

"No, I'm going to stay here just in case the thief comes back." Blake answered as she stretched,

"Cool." Ruby said as they sat on the couch in silence for a few minutes, unable to find anything to talk about. That is, until Ruby broke the silence, "Wanna see Yang's Aura Mode?" Blake thought about it for a few seconds before shaking her head,

"Not today." The girl in black answered, "…Wanna sing?"

"Not really…" Ruby replied as she looked away before sighing, "Fuck it, we have nothing better to do." The red Leader said as she got out two guitars out of nowhere and gave one to Blake. Cue another random musical number because why not (AN: Guess what it's from and what the song is!)!

 **Ruby:** It took time, to see the truth…

With puppy eyes, I'm such a fool…

You played your cards right

In a game made for two…

 **Blake:** It's not safe, he blurs my vision

Leaving him's the right decision

 **Ruby & Blake: **Just pack my bags and head on home!

'Cause next to you I don't belong!

I think it's time to say "I'm done!"

 **Ruby:** Between us two, there is no us…

I won't refuse to say "So long!"

My only wish for us is to simply

Move on…!

 **Blake:** It's not safe, he blurs my vision

Leaving him's the right decision

 **Ruby:** It's... not… safe…

 **Blake:** It's not safe, he blurs my vision

Leaving him's the right decision!

 **Ruby & Blake: **Just pack my bags and head on home!

'Cause next to you I don't belong!

I think it's time to say "I'm done!"

 **Ruby:** Packing up my bags

Booking up my flight

 **Ruby & Blake: **ONE WAY!

 **Blake:** Never looking back

It's okay to say

 **Ruby & Blake: **TOO LATE!

 **Ruby:** It's my last night here!

( _Instrumental break!_ )

 **Ruby & Blake: **Just pack my bags and head on home!

'Cause next to you I don't belong!

I think it's time to say "I'm done!"

 **Ruby:** Packing up my bags

Booking up my flight

 **Ruby & Blake: **ONE WAY!

 **Blake:** Never looking back

It's okay to say

 **Ruby & Blake: **TOO LATE!

 **Ruby:** It's my last night here!

It's my last night here…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	50. Plan of Assault (Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"So, any luck on the Dust thief Weiss?" Yang asked as they walked back to the dorm,

"No." Weiss answered in a sad tone, "I checked everywhere in school. Nothing. It looks like whoever this guy really is, is long gone. You find anything out about this RT guy?" Yang just shook her head,

"Same as you." Yang then started to groan, "First, I get pelted with rocks by some fucktard named RT, then someone steals your Dust and now we know someone is messing with our memories."

"Yep, something is definitely wrong." Weiss said as before she realized something, "Or maybe it's us."

"What?" Yang asked they stopped walking,

"Yang, we've been here for weeks now! We're driving each other crazy! We have no one else to talk to and that's making us go insane! Maybe, just maybe, it's all in our heads! Ruby's stupid personalities, my ghost form, Noire and your obsession with Shelia,"

"It's not an obsession! I just like her as a character."

"You just like her because she used to be a tank!" Weiss then groaned as she sat against the wall, "Look at us. We're talking like these characters are real. Yang, we are  _insane_! We're hallucinating! Maybe only days have passed and we don't even know it! Everything we're seeing now is fake! You, Ruby, Blake, even fucking me, everything we know is a l-" Weiss didn't finish her sentence as she got slapped by Yang,

"Did that feel real?" Yang asked as she helped the Heiress up. Weiss held her sore right cheek as she nodded, "Weiss! Hold it together! What happened to girl I once knew!? Sure, she might've been a bitch at times but she kept level head even in the most fucked up of situations! Now. What. Happened. To. Her?"

"Yang…"

"Where is she, Weiss? WHERE IS SHE!?"

"You're sounding like Batman…" Weiss muttered before shaking her head, "Okay, I get it. You want m-"

"WHERE IS SHE!?"

"Yang, okay, calm dow-"

"WHERE IS SHE!?"

"Seriously, stop yelling!"

"WHER-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Weiss shouted at the Fiery Blonde, her ghost form appearing behind her in the same state of rage. This caused Yang shut up as the Schnee started to calm down. When she did, she said, "I'm fine Yang. It's just… it's starting to get to me. I really don't think I can handle it much longer."

"You've got a team behind you, remember? There's to worry about Princess, we'll keep you from going insane as long as we're together." Yang assured her, "Anyway, come on. Let's get back to the dorm before Ruby and Blake comes looking for us." Weiss nodded as she followed her teammate back to their dorm without another word spoken between them,

'I have a team. I'm not alone anymore.' Weiss thought as they entered the room, where the red-cloaked Leader was in the middle of having a discussion with the resident Faunus,

"Do you really think we can take on the Meta?" Blake asked, sounding very skeptical,

"Maybe…" Ruby muttered, "If it's powered down, I bet we can take it down."

"Uh… I would like to remind you that it  _ate bullets_ when the Reds and Blues were at Zanzibar. From a  _chain gun_."

"Nothing my Cross Clips can't handle." Ruby said as she got Crescent Rose and loaded in one, "But I'll probably need all of them."

"They're magazines…" Blake corrected her in a deadpan tone,

"I made them! I can call them whatever I want!" Ruby yelled at Blake childishly before she noticed that Weiss & Yang had returned, "Oh, hi guys. You find anything about RT or the Dust thief?"

"They could be the same person." Blake pointed out,

"Nah. I know enough to say that RT and the Dust thief are two different people." Yang said,

"How?"

"The window wasn't destroyed." Yang then sat down before grabbing the remote, "Alright, time for another set of Red vs Blue."

"Well, press play already." Weiss said as she sat down on the couch as well. Yang nodded at her and began the episode with the press of the play button.

**(Chapter 13: Stupid Unsolvable Problems)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to the Reds in one Warthog being chased by another in Valhalla_

"Well, back to Valhalla." Blake muttered,

"So that's where they're getting their car." Ruby said in realization,

"Wash was serious when he said they needed to break into Command, even if it means taking down allies." Weiss said, "And looks of it, they're not getting that car anytime soon."

"SHOOT BACK YOU IDIOTS! DON'T YOU FUCKING DESTROY THE CHUAPTHINGY AGAIN!" Yang shouted out.

 **Chairman** : Our laws are not designed to outline every possible infraction that may take place! However the spirit of the law is clear. Blatant disregard for the safety and well-being of our citizens, in any form, will always be a punishable offense, regardless of how well, or by whom that offense has been justified.

"He's right." Blake said, "The Meta is killing Freelancers and the Director isn't doing anything drastic to ensure the safety of the people in the program, and is more focused on retrieving equipment." Blake then shook her head, "The Director probably doesn't even care about the Agents, he only sees them as test subjects for his experiments."

"That's messed up." Yang whispered.

_The Reds are in the lead car, being fired upon_

**Simmons** : Here they come!

 **Sarge** : Simmons, what're you waitin' for? Shoot 'em!

 **Simmons** : I can't, the stupid gun is jammed!

"Well, that explains why they aren't shooting back." Weiss said, "And why can't Sarge just switch to a Pistol or something and just at the car. You'd probably get a lucky shot and kill the driver."

"Maybe accuracy and range isn't Sarge's preferred type of combat." Ruby guessed.

 **Sarge** : Step on it, Grif.

 **Grif** : Yeah, no shit!

 **Sarge** : Whose idea was it to steal a jeep from these guys anyway?

"Well, it could be either Sarge or…" Yang then paused as she started thinking, "Wait, you know what, this definitely looks like a Sarge plan to me."

_Cut to Wash and the Blues watching_

**Washington** : Nuhh, I knew this plan wouldn't work.

"Well, that's a surprise…" Ruby said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Church** : We all knew this plan wouldn't work. None of our plans ever work.

 **Caboose** : That's why we carry guns.

"To make you look like you know what you're doing." Weiss said, "Which you guys don't most of the time."

 **Washington** :  _(Mockingly)_  "We can get a car, no problem. We're better with vehicles than the Blues, let us handle this." Why did I even listen to them?

"Because Sarge is in charge of the Reds!" Yang called out, "Hey, that rhymed!"

"It is true though." Blake said, "The Reds have more experience with cars and Grif is pretty skilled in driving from the looks of it."

 **Church** : I told you not to.

 **Washington** : Yeah, well, I already stopped listening to you three bases ago.

"He is kinda smart, he just puts himself above everything else." Ruby said

 **Caboose** : Well that's not very-

 **Washington** : And I never started listening to you.

"Okay, well, that's understandable but at least he's loyal." Weiss also said, "And a pretty good soldier if you know how to command him. Casing point: Crippling South."

_The chase continues!_

**Sarge** : Force them in to the wall.

 **Grif** : On it!

_The pursuing car enters the base_

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't a wall." Yang spoke out.

 **Grif** : Where'd they go!?

 **Sarge** : Did ya lose 'em?

 **Grif** : Looks like it.

_They skid to a stop as the other car works its way through the base_

"Oh, this is definitely not gonna end well for the Reds." Blake groaned.

 **Sarge** : What in Sam Hell? I don't believe it.

 **Grif** : Well Sarge, I guess you owe me an apology. Turns out I'm not such a bad driver after-

_The other jeep emerges from the base right in front of them_

**Grif** : ...all.

"Let me guess. If they survive, Sarge is going to kill him. Slowly." Weiss said, with the others just nodding their heads in response.

_The other jeep's gunner turns the turret toward them_

**Grif** : Aw come on, what the fuck!

_The Blues watch the chase resume_

**Caboose** : Aw man. That jeep has a really big gun.

"Well, no fucking shit Sherlock!" Yang called out.

 **Church** : Don't get any ideas.

 **Washington** : ( _sigh_ ) Well I guess I'd better get down there and save them. I'm really starting to hate this part of the job.

"Well, at least he's getting a lot of practice out of it." Ruby reasoned.

 **Caboose** : Well at least you're getting a lot of practice at it.

"It feels bad, doesn't it?" Weiss asked with smug look on her face as Ruby buried her face in her hands in complete shame. Blake had to hug her to get her leader out of her depressed state,

"Thanks Blake." Ruby said,

"Anytime." The Faunus replied.

 **Washington** : Don't patronize me.

 **Church** : You know, if we let one or two of 'em die we could probably all squeeze in to one car. Just saying, you should think about it.

 **Caboose** : Oh, and if enough of us die, we can fit on a motorcycle!

"IT'S AN ATV!" Yang shouted out, causing the girls to jump a little by the sudden outburst.

 **Church** : Alright good, he's gone. Caboose, you stay here, I'll be right back.

"Okay, what is he doing?" Blake muttered as she rubbed her chin.

 **Caboose** : You're leaving?

 **Church** : Yeah.

_Church leaves his body again_

**Church** : For some reason he doesn't want me to see Tex's body. I'm gonna go try to find her.

"Oh, right, it was at… uh… Red Base, and they didn't have time to check on it." Ruby realized before looking down sadly, "He still wants to say his last good-bye."

"I wonder why Wash doesn't want Church to see Tex's body." Yang muttered, "Maybe there's a possibility that Tex is still out there. Maybe she left her body when the ship crashed. She might be ali-er… active, I guess."

"We can only hope." Weiss said as they continued watching.

 **Caboose** : Um... Don-, don't leave me here with your body. It stares at me, and I don't like it.

"It's a robot designed to be dumb, it's gonna attack him or anything." Ruby pointed out.

 **Church** : You'll be fine.

_Church leaves_

**Church's body** : *humming sound*

"Humming noise might be irritating though." Blake said as she scratched her cat ears.

 **Caboose** : Stop it.

_Back to the chase_

**Simmons** : Got it!

 **Grif** : Great, you unjammed the gun? How 'bout you shoot 'em!?

"If Simmons is good enough on the turret, he might be able to take out the guys in the Chupathingy and leave the jeep intact, getting the car Wash needs to infiltrate Command." Blake said,

"Well, he does have experience on that thing since he's at the back most of the time." Weiss added.

 **Sarge** : Grif, just get us out of this!

 **Grif** : Hold on, I wanna try something. I think I can make this jump!

"Wait, is Grif actually going to do something that could kill him?" Ruby asked with a gasp.

 **Sarge** : Are you insane?

 **Grif** : Yeah, fuck this, brakes!

"No he isn't!" Yang answered in a loud announcer voice.

_They skid to a sideways stop at the edge of a cliff, which the other jeep promptly jumps off of and explodes from gunfire_

"And… there goes the car." Ruby deadpanned,

"I don't think they can repair that." Weiss said in the same tone as Ruby,

"I understand that they needed to survive, but they kinda needed that jeep…" Blake muttered,

"Every fucking car…" Yang sobbed, holding back tears. Ruby had to comfort her with a really big hug before they could continue.

 **Grif** : Uhuh, we're really high.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, got him!

 **Washington** : You idiots! We needed that jeep!

 **Grif** : Uh yeah, and we needed not to die? What's your point?

"I have to go with Grif here." Weiss admitted, "Their car wasn't going to last long anyway if they let the car make it, and I'm pretty sure they would either die from the explosion, be accused of treason, or just shot when they got out of the car. You said it yourself Wash, they aren't soldiers, and they care more about survival than the actual mission."

 **Washington** : There's still six of us. Where're we gonna get another vehicle?

_A gunship rises up behind Wash, and everyone turns to look at it_

"Oh." (Ruby)

"My." (Weiss)

"Fucking." (Blake)

"God." (Yang, who was orgasming at that point)

 **Washington** : ...Oh.

"Awkward~" The RWBYs sang out as they pulled on their collars and gulped.

 **Grif** : Hey, dude? In the future, don't ask for shit.

_Cut to the base, with a couple guards watching on_

**Guard 1** : Looks like the Hornet's gonna get 'em.

 **Guard 2** : Yeah. They blew up our jeep though. That kinda sucks.

"Shouldn't they be more… emotional about seeing their equipment and teammates getting obliterated?" Yang asked as she choked back a sob,

"Maybe they got used to it. Life of being a soldier, after all." Blake replied.

 **Guard 1** : And they killed two of our friends, right?

 **Guard 2** : Oh yeah that too.

"Uh… shouldn't they be, you know,  _helping_?" Ruby asked, "Their friends did just die after all."

"Well, they need someone to guard that base in case someone uses that as a distraction to sneak in." Blake answered, "But they could've at least  _tried_ to help. Have one guy snipe while the other keeps watch."

 **Guard 1** : Still I think -

_Church possesses the guard_

**Guard 1** : Heagurgurk!

"The sounds of possession. Music to my ears." Yang said.

 **Guard 2** : You okay?

 **Church** : Me?

 **Guard 2** : Yeah you. What was that noise?

 **Church** : I didn't, hear any noise.

"Really selling it there, Church." Yang said as she shook her head, "He can't really act for shit, can he?"

"Yeah, he isn't a very good ghost." Weiss added.

 **Guard 2** : It sounded like-

 **Church** : I sneezed.

 **Guard 2** : You sneezed.

"Well, that must've been one hell of a sneeze." Ruby muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah, so anyway, I'm gonna go in the base now, gonna go do some patrolling in there. You know how it goes. Standard ops stuff. Okay seeya.

 **Guard 2** : What're you talkin' about, the CO said to stay out here. Make sure no one gets in the base.

 **Church** : Oh it's okay. I uh, I spoke to the Sergeant. He gave me special orders.

 **Guard 2** : Okay, yeah. Wait, you mean the Captain?

 **Church** : Huh? Yeah right. That guy. Whatever.

"Yeah, he's totally gonna get found out." Blake said, ashamed of his acting, 'I'm pretty sure Ren can act better than him.' She thought.

_Church enters the base and we return to the Reds_

**Simmons** : Run!

_Wash looks to the base and sees one of the guards (actually Church) enter it, and radios Caboose_

"Uh oh, it looks like Wash knows what Church is doing." Ruby said, "Come on! Just let him do what he has to do and keep the fucking Reds alive!"

 **Washington** : Dammit. Caboose! What is Church doing?

 **Caboose** : Oh, uh, doing? Uh why nothing Agent Washington he's just standing next to me watching you get killed by the giant spaceship.

"Which you should be focusing on since it's more than likely going to destroy the jeep." Weiss added,

"Protect the fucking car, dammit!" Yang shouted, to both Wash & Caboose.

 **Washington** : Oh really. Can you put him on then?

 **Caboose** : Oh, I don't think so, um, we're, we're playing a game. Uh called, who can hold still the longest. Uhm, it's a fun game we-

_An explosion shakes the cliff they're on enough that Church's empty body falls over backward_

"I think Church just lost." Blake said, knowing that Wash was definitely going to do something about Church.

 **Caboose** : ...I'm going to have to call you back.

"Yeah, you go do that." Weiss said as she picked up the remote, "So, anyone want to say anything?"

"Yeah, the Reds are fucked and the whole plan about infiltrating Command doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon." Ruby answered truthfully, with nods from Blake & Yang agreeing with her,

"Anything else?"

"Well, uh… nope, nothing. Hurry up and start the show." Weiss sighed and nodded before pressing play.

**(Chapter 14: Unplanned Plans)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to the jeep being chased by the Hornet_

**Director** : Sir, while I appreciate your concern, allow me to correct you in one area. I value all our subjects' well being, but I revere above all else our ability to continue as a species; our ability to survive. And no committee, no bureaucrat, will ever convince me otherwise.

"So he's doing what he does for the good of mankind, huh?" Weiss said as she raised her eyebrow, "Then if it's good of humanity, why all those experiments? And, more importantly, how did the Meta come to be from the Project?"

 **Grif** : Hey I have a question, why do we agree to come along on these things if we're just gonna be the decoy the whole time?

"Because the Reds make a really good distraction." Ruby guessed, "They are easier targets, with Sarge and Grif wearing bright coloured armour and all."

 **Washington** : Looks like you have it under control. I'll be right back.

_Cut to inside the base_

**Church** : Tex? Tex are you here? Tex come on. Tex! Allison?

"Huh, this is the first time I've ever heard him say Tex's real name." Blake noted, "I guess he wants to find Tex and he's desperate enough to say it."

"Love conquers all, even death." Yang said.

_Sound of a gun cocking_

**Guard 2** : Alright, freeze.

 **Church** : Ahw, what?

 **Guard 2** : They told us to be on the lookout for someone acting odd, and you're acting odd.

"Yeah… talking to a dead body is kinda odd." Ruby said, "Then again, what's not odd about the Reds & Blues?"

 **Guard 2:** So hands up.

 **Church** : Hehey, buddy, come on. You don't need to be like all...

_Wash enters behind the guard and knocks him out._

"Oh! Right in the back of his skull!" Yang exclaimed as she winced, "Nice one Wash, but Church could always stop possessing the guy and leave."

 **Church** : ...knocked out. Thanks Wash.

 **Washington** : Church, is that you in there?

 **Church** : Uh yeah, one sec-

_Church appears next to the guy he previously inhabited_

**Church** : There.

 **Guard 1** : What happened? I feel kinda...

_Guard 1 falls over_

"Well, that's pretty convenient. At least they don't have to worry about that guy." Weiss said.

 **Washington** : What do you think you're doing in here?

 **Church** : I had to see Tex's body I uh, ...she's like me Wash.

"In many,  _many_  ways." Blake added, "Yet, so different. But despite everything, he still loves her and I'm guessing he won't stop until he finds her."

 **Washington** : I know all about her Church. Come on, you're not gonna find anything in here.

 **Church** : But where is she? She should be here right? I mean, shouldn't she?

 **Washington** : We've all lost people Church. What's important is that you remember her.

"Memory is the key, right?" Yang punned. The others just looked at her with surprise,

"You know, that's… actually pretty fitting with the whole situation." Ruby admitted, "It's still kinda bad, but it's way better than your other ones."

"I see you're starting to enjoy the fine art of puns."

"They still fucking suck though." RWB said in unison, causing Yang to sigh and slump forward,

"Everybody's a critic."

 **Washington:** And what's even more important is that you don't slow me down while I'm in the middle of a mission!

_Sound of explosion_

**Washington** : What now!?

"Uh… your mission going horribly wrong?" Ruby answered.

_Cut to Wash and ghost Church standing outside the base watching the chase_

**Washington** : What is going on out here?

"What happens to the Reds and Blues on a daily basis." Weiss spoke up.

 **Sarge** : What does it look like?

 **Grif** : We're running from the stupid plane!

 **Washington** : Well, we need to leave. We have a Warthog at Blue Base. We'll take that and you follow me.

"What th-why couldn't they just steal the Chupathingy from Blue Base instead of risking their lives over the one at Red Base!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Maybe Sarge didn't want to use an 'enemy vehicle' and slander the name of the Red Army." Blake guessed, "Though, if he still believes that Red vs Blue War is still real."

"Which he probably does." Weiss added.

 **Sarge** : What about the ship!?

 **Washington** : Well, take it down!

 **Sarge** : Not that simple!

"I don't think a jeep is equipped to take down helicopters and I'm sure the Reds don't have enough experience with taking down helicopters." Ruby said.

 **Grif** : If it's so easy, why don't you do it?

 **Washington** : Fine.

_Wash fires at the Hornet to get its attention, and starts running, in a gunfight with it_

**Church** : Should we help him?

"I have a feeling that Wash has it covered." Yang said.

 **Grif** : We could, or we could take bets on how long he's gonna live. I got ten bucks that says it's less than a minute.

 **Church** : I'll take that action.

The girls (apart from Ruby) just looked away from each other as they blushed madly in shame, remembering about their bet on Penny, "I am so glad I didn't join in." Ruby said, "Oh, and you all owe Jaune money now."

_Wash maneuvers himself up on a cliff and shoots a barrel into the 'man cannon', which hurls it at the Hornet. Washington fires at the barrel as it nears the Hornet, bringing it down._

**Washington** : Okay, now can we go?

"Okay, I have to admit that was pretty fucking awesome." Blake admitted.

_Cut to everyone gathered outside Blue base_

**Washington** : Alright, I need suggestions. The Freelancer Command Facility is an underground complex of secure bunkers and fortified chambers. Let's put our heads together and see if we can figure out a way to get in there.

"It looks like a full-out assault won't do any good since it would probably be crawling with soldiers and they'd definitely lock everything down, plus they don't really have the equipment and resources to take a base head-on, so they're better off sneaking in." Blake analyzed, "Wash might be able to, and Church might be able to pull it off if he doesn't talk to anyone. Everyone else, not likely."

 **Grif** : I have an idea.

 **Washington** : And "let's not do it" is not an acceptable plan.

 **Grif** : Oh. Well you probably should have said that before you asked for suggestions.

"Hey, the Meta might see them as a threat now since they were really close to killing it so they have to infiltrate Command if they want to have a chance of survival." Weiss said.

 **Washington** : Next idea.

 **Simmons** : Why don't we call Command, and ask them what the proper procedure is for invading their headquarters?

"And this is why you're not a leader Simmons." Yang said as everyone face palmed.

 **Washington** : Next.

 **Sarge** : How about we build a makeshift nuclear device, and blow the entire place to kingdom-

 **Washington** : No.

"Yeah, considering that it would probably get everyone sent to jail for life for the murder of a lot of people." Ruby pointed out, "There are good people there, even if they are part of an evil organization after all."

 **Washington:** We have to get in there.

 **Simmons** : Why?

 **Washington** : 'Cause we need to unlock the Alpha.

"Still wondering how the whole 'Memory is the key' thing will unlock the Alpha." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons** : The what?

 **Church** : It's the main A.I. from Project Freelancer. You know all the A.I.s that we've been dealing with over the years? It's where they were all copied from originally.

 **Simmons** : You can't copy an A.I.

"Maybe they found a way to copy A.I." Blake guessed, but her gut was telling her otherwise, 'Something is definitely wrong here.' She looked around and saw that her teammates were thinking the same thing.

 **Grif** : The main one? Fuck that. Those things have caused all of our problems. Why would we go looking for the main boss one?

"Maybe because it might have control over all the other A.I and maybe have the power to turn them against the Meta and disabling its equipment, making it human again." Ruby answered, "Hell, maybe even cure the Meta of its insanity!"

"Impossible." Weiss said sadly, "From the looks of it, it's too far gone. There's nothing left of whoever Maine was, all there's left is the Meta."

 **Church** : That's a good question. Agent Washington? Do you wanna answer that?

 **Washington** : You'll understand everything soon enough.

 **Simmons** : We're not going.

 **Washington** : What? You have to go.

 **Simmons** : Not really.

"I understand." Blake spoke up, "The Reds don't really know Wash well, he's been a dick to them all this time, they really don't get anything out of it and they're risking their lives for something that fucked it up in the first place. Not the best way of convincing them to help."

 **Washington** : We can't infiltrate Headquarters with just three people. You're coming. That's an order.

 **Grif** : Order? You're not our Commanding Officer. We don't even know what rank you are.

 **Washington** : I'm a Freelancer!

 **Grif** : Not a rank dude.

"Well, actually Wash  _was_ a Freelancer because the Project fell and I'm guessing Project Freelancer had no ranks so if we take those into account, all Freelancers are just glorified Privates with just way better training." Yang said. Suddenly, it hit them.

Wash, Tex, York & Wyoming are technically the same rank as Caboose, Simmons, Church, Donut, and Sister. Sarge, Tucker, Grif & Doc are his superiors.

"…Well, that's kinda awkward." Ruby said, breaking the silence,

"I've got nothing to say." Weiss said, amazed. Not by the facts, but by who said it,

"Me too." Blake muttered as she shook her head,

"They really need to give these Freelancers ranks instead of stupid names." Yang whispered to herself as everyone went back to watching.

 **Simmons** : The other Freelancers never gave orders, they just offered to trade favors.

 **Washington** : Okay, then let's bargain. What do you want?

"It's gonna be something stupid, a weapon, perverted, downright fucked up or something actually of use." Weiss listed off, "Let's see where this goes."

_The Reds conference, with random mumbling between the real words_

**Grif** : Three words guys,

 **Sarge** : New base-

"There's the useful one." (Ruby)

 **Grif** : Gold plated vagina.

"There's the downright fucked up one." (Weiss)

 **Simmons** : Shut up.

 **Sarge** : Lasers.

"There's the weapon." (Blake)

 **Simmons** : Always with that.

 **Grif** : Nudie mags.

"There's the perverted one." (Yang)

 **Sarge** : Robots and lasers. Lasers, and robots.

 **Grif** : Milkshake.

"And there are all the stupid ones." (RWBY)

_The Reds turn to the Blues and Washington_

**Sarge** : Alright, we talked about it, and we figured out what we want.

"All you talked about was lasers, robots and a fucking gold-plated vagina!" Ruby shouted out.

 **Washington** : Alright, let's have it.

 **Sarge** : We want you to demote Grif.

 **Washington** : Done.

Cue the RWBYs face palming, "Out of all that, all Sarge wanted was Grif back to being a lower rank than him." Yang groaned,

"That's Sarge for ya. Willing to sacrifice his life just to make Grif miserable." Blake said as she patted Yang's back,

"Well, at least there won't be any more confusion about who's leading the team." Weiss muttered,

"This is why I'd rather join the Blue Team." Ruby whispered to herself, "At least they have more stuff going on in their lives."

 **Grif** : What!?

 **Simmons** : Another wasted opportunity.

 **Washington** : Congratulations. You are now Private Grif again.

 **Sarge** : Got anything lower?

"I don't think there's anything lower than a Private." Yang muttered, "Maggot, maybe?"

 **Washington** : Private,  _Junior_  Grif?

"Not  _as_ insulting, but could be better." Weiss said.

 **Sarge** : I was thinkin' something with an insulting adjective, or... maybe a demeaning adverb...

 **Washington** : How about, Minor Junior Private Grif, Negative First Class?

"Right on the money." Ruby said while Blake was busy stifling a laugh. This didn't go unnoticed, "Blake, what's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing." The girl in black replied. She then started to remember her time at the White Fang. They had ranks and there was a general who got demoted to literally the worse rank for being a total idiot, even worse than Grif's rank current. She couldn't remember what it was and the words were in an ancient Faunus language but she remembered the acronym spelt out D.U.M.B.A.S.S. She couldn't hold it in any longer and started chuckling, causing the others to stare at her with confused looks on their faces before they went back to watching (AN: From a random Guest!).

 **Sarge** : Heh heh, I like the way you think.

 **Grif** : You realize you just doomed us to certain death just so you could insult me, right?

 **Sarge** : Hey if we do get killed at least we'll go out on a high note. Well everybody but you. That's to be expected, you haven't had a high note in five years! Why break the God damn streak.

"Why can't you just shoot him if you hate him so much!? Come on and finish the job already!" Yang exclaimed. The other girls tried to figure out why Sarge let Grif live so long but couldn't find a reason.

 **Washington** : We still need to figure out how we're getting in there.

 **Caboose** : Mister Washington? I have an idea.

 **Washington** : I really shouldn't even bother asking, should I?

"I don't know Wash. I mean, Caboose? An idea? It's rare for him to even think." Weiss said before leaning closer to the TV, "I think he's bluffing."

 **Church** : I don't know, Caboose? An idea? I think he's bluffing.

"FUCK!" Weiss cursed,

"I would say something about not exactly saying whatever Church says, but I give up. You're definitely related Wash & Church." Ruby muttered as she shook her head,

"You seriously gotta stop doing that." Blake said as she chuckled a little,

"Are you sure you're a Schnee?" Yang joked, "Because you're sounding like a Church to me."

 **Caboose** : No uh, it's a really good idea. We drive there.

 **Church** : Yeah, he was bluffing.

 **Caboose** : We're going to Freelancer City, right? The place where Freelancer's from. And this is a Freelancer car! If they think that we are Freelancers, because we are in their car, they will just let us right in!

The team just stared at the screen as they heard Caboose's plan. It was simple, yet ingenious .Sure, he could've said it a lot better but it could work under the right conditions. But there was one fatal flaw to the plan…

 **Washington** : But you don't look like Freelancers. Or Recovery Agents.

 **Caboose** : …They can't see inside of a tank.

_Cut to Project Freelancer - Operational Command Center. Wash and Church (possessing a guy) are in the Warthog, everyone else is in the tank._

"Holy… they're actually going with it." Ruby said in disbelief,

"There has to be a catch. There has to be a catch." Weiss chanted as she shook her head,

"Caboose, you may be dumb, but fuck you can be genius sometimes." Blake complimented,

"You know how the old saying goes: 'Every problem can be solved with a tank'." Yang said as she did a mini-cheer,

"No one has  _ever_ said that.  _Ever_." Blake told her partner, who only turned away from her,

"You don't know that."

 **Church** : There's no, way, this plan is gonna work.

 **Washington** : Just stay quiet. Follow my lead.

"This might actually work if everyone shuts up and let Wash do his thing." Blake said, amazed.

 **Sarge** : Grif! Get off me, you weigh a ton.

 **Grif** : Stop pushing me! Ow!

 **Simmons** : Okay guys, it's hard enough to fit in here ohl! Whll- Who did that?

 **Grif** : Alright, whose hand was that? Is Donut in here?

 **Caboose** : I can't breathe.

"It's your plan, Caboose." Weiss said before wincing, "Okay, that felt weird saying that."

 **Guard** : Alright. Uh, story checks out. Looks like there was a new incident at Outpost 17-B. Glad you fellas made it out okay.

 **Washington** : Yeah, thanks.

 **Church** : Yeah, it was crazy. We lost a lot of good men. Especially Joe, Joe Johnson. He was a great guy. I remember he had a girl back home named... Fritzy.

"Okay, Church. You're over-selling it again. Shut up already!" Ruby said, "And who the fuck would date someone named Fritzy?"

 **Washington** : Stop embellishing. They already believe us.

 **Church** : He also had a dog named Mister Chomps. Anyway he's dead now, it's sad.

 **Guard** : You're clear now. So drive on to Building 3.

"It actually fucking worked." Yang said as she shook her head, "And this is a  _Caboose_ plan!"

"That… makes me kinda afraid." Blake admitted, with the other agreeing.

 **Washington** : Understood. Thanks, soldier.

 **Church** : Can't believe that worked.

 **Washington** : Yeah. Seemed like it was too easy.

"Seriously, I'm still waiting for the catch." Weiss said impatiently.

 **Church** : Wash, you're gonna learn when you work with us, there's no such thing as too easy. You're just being paranoid.

_As they roll into the compound the Meta is seen hanging off the back of the tank_

"Oh. Shit." Ruby said slowly,

"There it is! There's the catch!" Weiss exclaimed,

"This could end really badly." Blake said in flat tone,

"They are  _fucked_." Yang declared, before the girls all realized something,

'It knows where the Alpha is.' They all thought, 'It's going to try and steal the Alpha from Wash.'

 **Washington** : Yeah. You're probably right.

"Fuck, it's gonna try and grab the Alpha!" Weiss said,

"I don't wanna know what happens if it does." Blake muttered,

"Emp, there is something called an emp. Why can't they fucking use!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Great, they led the Meta to Command and now it's gonna try and kill the Reds & Blues, Wash then possibly everyone in the entire damn facility if it gets it." Ruby said as she picked up the remote, "I don't know how, but it's now or never. They either kill the Meta or die now, and there's no turning back." When everyone got over their shock, Ruby took a deep breath and pressed play.

**(Chapter 15: Have Fun. Break Shit.)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to Freelancer HQ, with everyone gathered in a room with long window overlooking outside_

**Chairman** : Please do not attempt to recast this investigation as some type of personal vendetta. Our questions to this point have been fairly standard. Your reactions have not. As such, we have secured all your records and logs by the authority granted us by the UNSC. Now we shall see exactly what it is, that you have to hide.

"It looks like they've had enough of asking the Director questions and is just going straight for the source." Ruby muttered, "It's about time we find out what's the Director is hiding from us, and the Chairman."

 **Washington** : Alright, we got in, but that's only part of our mission. So no celebrating yet.

 **Grif** :  _(sarcastically)_  Aw shit, and I was gonna be in charge of confetti.

"Déjà vu much?" Yang said, remembering a thing or two about the first couple of episodes.

 **Washington** : We still need to reach the A.I. storage facility. Security's tight since the Freelancers tried to break in here.

 **Church** : You mean when they tried to steal the Alpha before?

 **Washington** : Exactly.

"That's a bit weird…" Blake whispered, "Why would the Freelancer break into Command to get the Alpha?"

"Maybe when the Meta came into existence, the Freelancers figured that with the Alpha they could beat it." Weiss guessed, "Something tells me that it didn't end very well."

 **Grif** : The Freelancers tried to break in to their own command facility? That's dumb.

 **Simmons** : That's what we're doin' right now you jackass.

 **Grif** : So? Just because we do something doesn't make it smart.

"No, it makes it fucking necessary." Yang added.

 **Simmons** : *sigh* Tell me about it.

 **Washington** : I have the necessary clearance to get close to the storage hall. The plan is; I'll take Church as a prisoner. If I take more than one of you it won't be believable.

"At least Church is the most sane out of all of them apart from Wash and he's the least likely to screw up." Ruby stated, "Good thing you chose him."

 **Caboose** : Agent Washington, I want you to take me instead.

 **Church** : What're you talkin' about?

 **Caboose** : I will be your prisoner. Let Church go. He doesn't have anything to do with this!

"Oh dear lord…" Weiss groaned.

 **Church** : Caboose, I'm not actually going to be a prisoner. I'm just gonna pose as one so that we can get past-

 **Caboose** : Have a good life Church. Don't worry. I won't tell them anything. They won't get any information out of me. No matter how nicely they ask.

"Well, it may be stupid but you gotta admit that's very noble of Caboose to do that." Yang admitted,

"Just barely though." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Oh my God, just shut up.

 **Sarge** : Sacrificing himself for his CO. What a good soldier. Why can't you two be more like him?

"Uh, because their CO try and kill him." Weiss pointed out, "Sometimes."

"Yeah, not the best rebuttal, Princess." Yang said.

 **Grif** : What, brain-dead?

 **Simmons** : I would sacrifice Grif for you Sir.

 **Sarge** : I know you would Simmons. But it's just not the same thing.

"Huh, that's definitely a first." Ruby said, surprised that Sarge didn't give any amount of praise for a Dead Grif scenario.

 **Simmons** : No but seriously I would. Just give me the word. I'll do it right fucking now, let's go. Bring it.

"I'm guessing he's still bitter about all the stuff Grif said back at Rat's Nest." Blake said, "No wonder he hates the Vegas Quadrant." She muttered,

"What did you say?" Ruby asked, "Why does Simmons hate Vegas?"

"…I don't know." And that creeped her and the rest of the team out a little (AN: From snake screamer!).

 **Grif** : Why are you taking Church? What about the rest of us?

 **Washington** : We're sneaking past seven levels of armed checkpoints. Are you volunteering?

 **Grif** : Uh, it was a hypothetical question?

 **Washington** : The rest of you hole up and wait for us to finish. And don't touch anything.

"Considering you're leaving Caboose, a grown man with the mental capacity of a small fetus, in a room full of stuff he could touch, I think you may want to rethink letting Caboose without his hands tied or totally distracted with something else." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : How will we know when you're done?

 **Washington** : When you see every guard in the base running in one direction? That means we're probably in trouble.

"Particularly if they're running at you guys." Ruby said, "Good luck with that."

 **Church** : All the guards? Whu- yuh- wait, wh-why are we taking Church, again?

"Because you can actually hit something other than your teammates." Weiss answered.

 **Washington** : Just keep the guards off of us, and we'll radio when we're in position. This will be our extraction point.

 **Grif** : Keep them off you?

 **Washington** : Yeah.

 **Church** : Distract them, dipshit.

 **Grif** : How?

"The reason you guys have guns: Shoot them." Blake said.

 **Washington** : Well, this is the center that came up with all the ridiculous scenarios you guys have suffered through over the years. So have fun. Break some shit.

"Yeah, they're already should be consider war criminals by now thanks to them killing their own allies." Ruby pointed out, "But then again, they aren't real soldiers and would assume that they were following another scenario that just went horribly wrong, so they'll probably get off with a warning or something and send them back to Blood Gulch."

"God, I don't want to see Blood Gulch again." Weiss groaned.

_Cut to Washington walking Church up to a checkpoint with two guards in front of a door_

**Guard 1** : Hold on, don't come any closer. I need you to stay right there, Sir.

 **Washington** : Understood. I need access to the next level. The Councilor wants to interrogate another survivor from Outpost 17-B.

 **Guard 1** : What? I thought all the Blues at Valhalla were dead. Where'd this one come from?

"Somewhere faraway place you don't want to visit ever." Blake said.

 **Washington** : I don't have to explain anything to you, soldier. Stand down.

"Once again, pulling rank is a low blow, dude." Yang spoke up as she shook her head with a face saying that she wasn't mad, just disappointed.

 **Guard 1** : Sorry Sir, I didn't mean anything by that-

 **Washington** : Fine. I'll let it go. As you were.

 **Guard 1** : Something doesn't seem right to me. I'm gonna have to call this in.

"Uh… this can't be good." Yang said.

 **Washington** : Absolutely. Call it in. Let me just NOW!

_Washington drops one guard with a quick burst of his Battle Rifle, and Church drops on one knee and empties his entire clip at the other guard at point-blank range. The guard is still standing, unscathed, and just looks at him._

The girls just stared in disbelief as they saw what had happened on screen, "Point blank range…" Ruby managed to get out,

"H-He c-c-can't, he c-co-couldn't…" Weiss barely even managed to form words, let alone sentences,

"Point blank range…" Ruby repeated,

"I knew he was a bad shot but…" Blake couldn't say anymore, she just shook her head and looked away,

"Point blank range…" Ruby said… again,

"How is that even physically possible!?" Yang shouted to the heavens, her words echoing everywhere in the school,

"Point blank range…" Ruby said, as though she was chanting the three words,

"Okay, we get it Ruby. He missed a target literally 2 feet away." Weiss told her partner,

"Point blank range…"

"Seriously, it's starting to get annoying." Blake said,

"Point blank range…"

"Seriously. Stop. Now." Yang growled,

"Point bl-"

"RUBY!" WBY yelled at the girl, causing her snap out of the trance she was in,

"HE FUCKING MISSED AT FUCKING POINT BLANK RANGE!" Ruby shouted, freaking the girls out, "My  _God_! Can he fucking get  _any_ worse!? Why is he a Sniper!? WHY!? JUST FUCKING WHY!?" After Ruby ranted for another 2 hours, Ruby a deep breath and sat back down,

"So, got that out of your system?" Blake asked, wondering how the young girl could yell at the top of her voice for two hours straight,

"Yeah." Ruby then looked at Church, shook a bit (probably in anger) and everyone proceeded to go back to watching.

 **Church** : …Uh, hey can I get a little help I'm, out of bullets.

_Washington shoots the other guard in the face._

**Church** : Thanks.

"Does his bullets curve or something?" Yang asked, still wonder how the hell Church missed.

_Cut back to the Reds and Caboose_

**Simmons** : This patrol was seventeen seconds late. Who's runnin' this place? How inefficient. Sloppy...

"Not everything has to be perfect." Blake said as she took a quick glance at Weiss. The Heiress saw and glared back at her.

 **Sarge** : I'm bored outta my gourd.

 **Grif** : So what? Bored is good. Bored means we're not dying. Boredom I can deal with. I have years of practice.

"What happens why you're actually bored of getting bored, huh?" Yang asked.

 **Caboose** : Yes! Grif talked, I won, I won the who can be the quietest game again.

 **Grif** : Yeah, good job. That's ten in a row for you Caboose. Hey, you know what? We should play again. Best eleven out of twenty-one.

 **Caboose** : Yes. You're all going down.

"That's because he's the only one playing." Weiss said, "And I'm afraid that he's holding in his breath while at it."

 **Simmons** : Heh. We should try holding our breath next.

 **Sarge** : Well that's it. I can't stand just sittin' around. I'm goin' mad with anticipation.

 **Simmons** : We've only been here twelve minutes.

 **Sarge** : Are you sure? My mission clock says three days.

"Holy shit, how off is his clock!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"Ruby, he's been off his rocker since 1963." Blake joked.

 **Simmons** : * _sigh_ * That's because you wouldn't synchronize at the start of the mission, remember? I said we should synchronize, and you said "Why would we synchronize? It's like we're in the future, seeing what the enemy does before they do it. Why would we give up the advantage?"

"That's not how it works, you idiot." Weiss mumbled.

 **Sarge** : Come on, Simmons, who could possibly remember an annoying conversation we had three whole days ago?

 **Simmons** : Twelve minutes ago.

 **Sarge** : Grif, what's your clock say?

 **Grif** : Um, actually mine's a countdown to the next episode of Battlestar Galactica? Priorities dude.

"I am amazed how much they don't care. If they fail and get caught, they're fucked. Even worse, the plan fails and the Meta catches them." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : Ah- ah- I just won again! Man, you guys are really bad at this game! It's- it's like you're not even playing at all!

"That's because you're the only one actually playing." Yang said.

_Cut to Wash and Church in a large room with holographic symbols shimmering on the walls_

**Washington** : Here. This is it.

"Whoa…" The girls say as they looked at room,

"What the hell is that place?" Ruby asked,

"My guess, this is where everything is kept. Secrets, lies, facts, files on people and mostly importantly,"

"The Alpha A.I." Yang finished off Weiss' answer.

 **Church** : Whoa. What is this place?

 **Washington** : It's the storage facility for all the A.I.s. The rejects, the bad variants... everything is here. Everything.

"It's an A.I storage facility." Blake said, "How many A.I does Command have?"

"Fuck that, what about the Meta!?" Yang exclaimed, "There could be enough A.I to make 20 Alphas!" The team's eyes widened as they imagined the crazed Freelancer with so many A.I at its Command.

"Don't put that picture in my head."

"Sorry."

 **Church** : Dear lord, what're all these lights on the walls?

 **Washington** : It's holographic storage.

 **Church** : And one of these things is Alpha?

"This is going to take a hell of a long time, isn't it?" Ruby said, "And with the Meta now in Command, they better hurry and find the damn thing."

 **Washington** : You work on closing that door. I'll find what we're looking for. And when I do, every soldier on base is sure to come running. So be ready.

_Wash approaches one of the walls_

**Wispy voice** :  _Washington... Washington... You suck..._

"I'm starting to question why they have A.I in the first place." Weiss muttered.

_Time passes, with Church playing with a hologram._

**Washington** : Church I got it, get over here. Here, this is it. There.

"Great! He found the Alpha!" Yang said with hope in her voice.

 **Church** : Oh, great you found it already?

_A loud reverberating boom comes from the wall panel_

**Church** : Ah!

"Whoa!" The girls say,

"What was that?" Ruby asked,

"Maybe it was the Alpha affecting Church's robot body." Blake guessed.

 **Washington** : What's wrong?

 **Church** : Nothing I just had like a weird flash- uh, ah!

 **Washington** : Are you alright?

 **Church** : Yeah, I think it's this thing. It's like, sending out images. Is this the Alpha?

 **Washington** : No. This is not the Alpha.

"What?" The RWBYs say in disbelief.

 **Church** : No? Then what is it?

 **Washington** : This, is Epsilon. ...This is my A.I.

"WHAT!?" The girls shouted out,

"I-I-I thought Epsilon self-destructed!" Yang exclaimed,

"It looks like there's more to Wash than we thought." Blake muttered to herself,

"Wait, why get his insane A.I instead of the Alpha!?" Weiss asked,

"And what did Delta mean by 'Memory is the key'? How is memory supposed to unlock the Alpha?" Ruby whispered,

"Well, there's only one way to find out." Weiss said as she gave Ruby back the remote,

"Really, now?" The Leader asked,

"We've come so far already, and I am not waiting another minute!"

"Yeah, me too." Yang said, with her partner agreeing. Ruby looked at the remote in her hands before looking at the screen. She felt a sense of dread fill the room. Were they really ready to find out the secrets behind all the lies? To find the truth behind everything? She gripped the remote in her hands as she made her decision,

"Weiss is right. There's only one way to find out." Ruby said as every got ready, "It's time to end it all! To discover the secrets of Command and mystery behind the Alpha! It's time for the Season Finale of Red vs Blue: Reconstruction!" She declared as she pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	51. Season Finale-Meet Thy Maker (Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Do ever wonder why you're here?

Why you live somewhere, why you're born, or even why you exist in the first place. Maybe because it was by some cosmic force in the universe or just a big fat set of coincidences that can only happen every few billion years. It was questions like these that have pushed humanity and Faunus to learn these secrets of the place they live in and why they exist.

But the most important question could be asked with a simple word: Why?

Why do these things? These answers wouldn't help humanity survive, nor would it even make a slight difference. In world where almost every species was out to kill you, even your own, these answers wouldn't help as you were mauled by a Boarbatusk or ripped to shreds by a Beowolf. But maybe that was it. What was the point of existing if you had nothing to strive to?

Maybe that's why they were watching Red vs Blue.

They needed something to look forward to, something that wouldn't do anything except give them a goal, to make it to the end despite all the drama and situations they had gotten themselves into. It was in their nature, their blood, to find the secrets within the universe, even if it had taken form of DVDs about idiots and soldiers. They had to find out. It was their duty to find out.

At least, that's what Weiss told herself.

"Weiss is right. There's only one way to find out." Ruby said as everyone got ready, not expecting the twist and turns of the last episodes of the season, "It's time to end it all! To discover the secrets of Command and mystery behind the Alpha! It's time for the Season Finale of Red vs Blue: Reconstruction!" She declared as she pressed play.

**(Chapter 16: Alpha)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to the AI Containment Facility_

**Director** : I imagine this investigation of our program is providing you with the kind of attention that politicians crave so much. How very predictable. What has surprised me most about mankind during the Great War, is not our ability to adapt to the new arenas of conflict, but instead, our willingness in victory to so quickly return to the old.

"He's still trying to put all the blame on the Chairman, even though by now he's close to finding out what the Director did and him arrested." Blake muttered.

_Cut to Church and Washington_

**Church** : You mean to tell me we've come all this way for this? Your fucking crazy A.I. Epsilon?

"No, they come all this way to find the Alpha but what I don't get is why Epsilon is so important." Yang said, "Isn't it supposed to be insane? It probably won't cooperate with anyone anyway without destroying their mind."

"Well, whatever it is, Wash has some explaining to do." Weiss said as they went back to watching.

 **Washington** : Yes. I thought it was gone. But Delta told you memory was the key. At first I thought he meant to remember our first encounter. And when I met Delta the first time what I told him was-

_The scene flashes toward Church and we see a flashback of Wash talking with Delta_

"Whoa!" Ruby exclaimed, "I-Is Church having a flashback!?"

"Okay, that is fucking weird." Yang said, "He wasn't even there!"

"Maybe Delta shared his memories with him." Blake guessed, "But… how? I don't think even Delta had enough time to tell Church that warning and give him his memories."

 **Washington** : You were encrypted until you could be recovered.

 **Delta** : Recovery carries risk. Destruction ensures that an A.I.-

 **Washington** : You cost a lot of money, okay? It's cheaper to recover you than it is to delete you.

"You idiots!" Weiss shouted, "Epsilon  _needs_ to be deleted for its own good and everyone else's! But no, they had to store to save money!"

"Yeah, that was a dumb move by Command. Saving an insane A.I that should be destroyed." Ruby said as she shook her head.

_Back to present day_

**Washington** : When they removed Epsilon from me, he was unraveling, casting off all his thoughts. I was sure they deleted him but it's-

 **Church** : It's cheaper to store it than it is to delete it. Right?

 **Washington** : Right.

"And it's caused way more trouble than it's actually preventing." Yang added.

 **Church** : But why are we looking for this thing? What's the point?

 **Washington** : The message specifically said that memory is the key. Delta was telling me that Epsilon was still alive.

"So… Epsilon is an A.I based off of memories?" Ruby asked while having a confused look on her face, "What does it have to do with the Alpha then? It doesn't make sense."

 **Church** : And Epsilon is the key?

 **Washington** : In a way. At the end of the war, things didn't look good for humans. And there were dozens of projects all trying to come up with the magic bullet to win.

"Huh, that's something you don't hear every day." Blake muttered a bit bitterly, 'Kinda like what the Faunus are dealing with now.'

"That's… kinda like Dust." Weiss said as she pulled out a bottle, "If we didn't have it, we'd probably won't be here in the first place."

 **Church** : Right.

 **Washington** : Project Freelancer was one of them. They had their research with aggressive A.I. But they could only get the one, and they needed more to conduct their experiments. So, they got desperate.

"Wait, what do you mean by desperate?" Yang asked, afraid of the answer.

 **Church** : Right. They tried to... they tried to copy it but they couldn't,

"So what Simmons said is true. It isn't possible to copy A.I." Weiss muttered,

"But what did they do?" Ruby asked.

 **Church:** So they-

 **Washington** : All A.I. are based on a human mind. And the Director had a theory. He thought, if we can't copy it, we'll just have to do the next best thing.

"This is it. We're finally going to get answers to our questions." Blake said,

"Yeah. We are." Yang said as she grabbed a soda from a secret stash she had and started drinking it.

_A scene flashes for Church_

**Church** : Ah! They, they split it?

 **Washington** : Just like a human mind when it's broken; it fragments. It fractures itself to protect itself.

Suddenly, Yang did a spit take, "Wait, WHAT DID HE SAY!?" Yang shouted,

"When a human mind is broken, it fragments itself to protect itself." Blake answered. Yang couldn't help but feel a sense of dread go through her body before she looked at Ruby,

'Was Ruby's mind… already broken?' She thought, 'All the personalities, all the phases, are they a product of Ruby's mind breaking apart?' Suddenly, it started to make sense. Ruby's Emotional Phase was to keep herself from getting too over emotional about what had happened, her Bitch Phase was to keep herself from blaming others, her Shy Ninja Phase was to keep herself from just hiding in the shadows, her Creepy Phase was there to protect herself from the darker, more disturbing side of her mind, her Perverted Phase manifested from keeping herself from doing very drastic things. Yang didn't know what the fuck was up with the Cuddle Ruby Phase, maybe it was to stop herself from getting too close to other people just in case something happens to them, and like hell she knew about what the other Phases mean but she did know this.

It was something about Summer Rose.

"Wait a minute, that means," Blake said while Weiss & Yang gasped in horror for very different reasons,

 **Church** (& Weiss): They tortured it.

"THEY DID WHAT NOW!?" The other RWBYs shouted out,

"I-It's not tr-t-true right?" Ruby stuttered before turning to her horrified sister, "Please tell me it isn't true Yang!" Her older sister just shook her head,

"There are some people desperate enough to do anything to win." The Blonde whispered, causing Ruby to hug her sister,

"I think I need a hug." Weiss said as she joined Ruby and Yang, "And something happier." Blake, however, was too stunned to even say a word (AN: From Autistic-Grizzly!).

 **Washington** : Like reverse engineering a multiple personality disorder. They presented Alpha with scenario after scenario of stress and danger.

"And that happened to Ruby all at once." Yang whispered, not audible to anyone.

 **Washington:** When it started to fragment, they harvested those fragments.

 **Church** : The Freelancer A.I.s.

"So that's why Delta called himself a fragment." Weiss muttered before growling, "Those bastards."

 **Washington** : Exhorted little fragments of purified compartmentalized emotion. None of them were a full personality. Some were good-

 **Church** : Like Delta?

"And some were bad." Ruby added, "Like Omega and Gamma."

 **Washington** : Delta was Alpha's logic. It needed to protect itself from analyzing what was happening to it. So it segregated that part of its mind. The part that would be able to understand the horror of what they were doing to it.

"Oh dear God…" Blake said, unable to imagine a scenario horrible enough to make someone split off its logic.

 **Washington:** And when the anger came and threatened to take over, it split that off too. That was Omega; its rage.

"That would explain his love of violence, but that doesn't explain why it was evil." Yang pointed out.

 **Washington:** Gamma was its deceit. Sigma was its creativity. And Epsilon...

 **Church** : Epsilon was its memories.

 **Washington** (& RWBY): And memory is the key.

"So to unlock the Alpha, they have to give back its memories, Epsilon. Who went insane." Ruby stated, "That sounds like a bad idea."

"Well, Wash did say the Alpha split off anything that would be a danger to its sanity, so by now it must be a hollow shell. My guess, all it has left is memories, as everything else belongs to the Meta." Weiss said, "But even with the Alpha, after what Wash said, I don't think the Alpha is powerful enough to take it down."

"Maybe it doesn't need power." Blake muttered, "All the A.I want to do is return to their father. Meet their maker."

"The Alpha doesn't need its power, only its memoires and influence over his 'children'!" Yang realized, "But now there's the problem of actually  _finding_ it."

_Cut to the Reds and Caboose_

**Grif** : Uhh, okay. Now I'm bored. Simmons, promise to do me a favor. If the madness sets in, just shoot me.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea." Ruby said, with her charge agreeing. That is, until they realized what Ruby had just said, and what they agreed to, "Oh fuck…"

"Welp! We're fucked!" Yang declared.

 **Sarge** : Do everyone a favor and shoot him now.

 **Simmons** : Is that an order?

 **Sarge** : Nah, save your bullets for somethin' worthwhile.

"Just shoot him already, ya fucktard!" Weiss shouted.

_While nobody's looking out the window, a transparent shape moves across from right to left_

"Okay, on second thought, I guess the Meta is worth the bullets." Weiss said,

"And this is why they're Simulation Troopers." Blake muttered as she face palmed.

 **Sarge** : Hey Simmons, get over here! Hustle up!

 **Simmons** : What's up Sir?

 **Sarge** : You're good with uh, computers, right?

 **Simmons** : Well I'd like to think so, I mean there's really all different kinds of skill sets. Like you have your binary computation, you have uh bus transport-

"Get on with it!" Yang called out, "We don't have all day!"

"Actually, we do." Ruby pointed out, "We have, like, a month's worth of free time left."

"How long is this summer anyway?" Blake asked,

"I think I remember Miss Goodwitch saying that due to all the crap and shit everyone went through, that this year's summer vacation would last two months and a half." Yang said, "Which is like, what? Ten, eleven weeks?"

"Yeah, around that." Weiss said, "We are not going to last with our sanity intact."

"If we actually make it to the end." Ruby muttered as they went back to watching.

 **Sarge** : Yes or no?

 **Simmons** : Yes.

"Simple question, simple answer. Don't over complicate it, Simmons." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Okay here's what I'm thinin'. If this is Command, and these computers have some of those internets installed on 'em-

 **Simmons** : There's just one internet, Sir, and I don't think it's located inside this building.

Suddenly, it occurred to the RWBYs that they could've used their school's internet to get someone to help them escape Beacon, and decided to keep their mouths shut just in case no one else thought of that. While this was happening, Beacon's internet connection got cut off.

 **Sarge** : They probably have all the information about everything, right? Like in a, spreadabase or, one of them ROM things? Datasheet?

 **Simmons** : I'm sorry, was that something I was supposed to understand? Was that even English?

"What. The Fuck. Is he saying?" Blake asked with a deadpanned look on her face, "I'm pretty sure I know more about computers than Sarge. And all I can do is use Google and look up cat pictures."

"Speaking of cute things, uh… what happened to Zwei?" Weiss asked, worried about the puppy. The last time she saw him was right before the mission that got them trapped in Beacon,

"Don't worry, before we left I got the JNPRs to sent him back to dad." Ruby answered, letting everyone relax, before Weiss realized something,

"Wait, did you put him in a tu-"

"In a tube? Yes."

"Why didn't you put him in a box?" Weiss groaned,

"Because he likes it." Ruby answered happily,

"I'm just glad it isn't here." Blake whispered, making sure no one heard her calling Zwei "It". The last time she said that out loud made her on dog poop duty for a week and that wasn't a fun experience.

 **Sarge** : Come on, man, you know, like all the mainframes, on the Reds and the Blues. Series of Tubes and whatnot.

 **Simmons** : Ookayy, you're using a lot of terms that don't really make sense. I think you're asking me if these computers store all the data on Red and Blue Armies?

 **Sarge** : Control-Alt-Bingo.

"Okay, what is Sarge thinking about?" Yang asked, with everyone preparing for a groan or a face palm.

 **Simmons** : Probably.

 **Sarge** : Could you get into it?

 **Simmons** : Yeah, if I had some time. What're you thinking Sir?

 **Sarge** : Simmons. I want you to erase the Blues.

The RWBYs decided to do both, "What the fuck are you thinking Sarge!?" Weiss exclaimed,

"He's an idiot. He's a total fucking idiot." Blake groaned,

"So, why is Sarge a Sergeant again?" Ruby asked.

 **Simmons** : What, you mean like the Blues from our canyon?

 **Sarge** : No Simmons, all of them. Gone. Erased. As in wiped off the map. Kablooie. Terminate process.

 **Simmons** : Sir, you just blew my mind.

"This is literally the stupidest idea Sarge has ever thought of." Ruby muttered, "And he does realize if they erase the Blues, then there's no point of having a Red army and Command can get rid of the,, basically making the whole Red vs Blue war over, with neither side winning because the Reds have nothing to fight against and the Blues aren't in Command's systems anymore and don't exist. Or, in a worst case scenario, all the Blues are forced to go home to their friends and families while the Reds stay at their bases and the last thing the Reds see of the Blues is them sticking a middle finger up since they don't have to fight anymore and can live without fear anymore." Everyone just stared at the young leader in complete silence, "So I'm guessing we're gonna have to wait until this bites Sarge in the ass, huh?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much all of his plans go." Blake said.

_Cut back to Wash and Church_

**Washington** : As they continued to torture it Alpha couldn't keep its sanity and its memories at the same time. So it had to purge them. That fragment became Epsilon. And I was just unlucky enough to have it assigned to me.

"And now back to the drama." Yang said, "Man, I feel sorry for Wash."

"Me too." Weiss muttered.

 **Church** : So you knew. You knew from the beginning what was going on.

 **Washington** : Mostly. They never told anyone what they did here. I got flashes when they put Epsilon in my head. Memories of what the Director did to it.

_Flashback to Wash and the Counselor_

"How is Church getting these memories?" Blake asked, "I'm sure Epsilon isn't sending them to him since it's too recent."

"This is definitely getting weirder and weirder by the second." Ruby said.

 **Counselor** : So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge?

 **Washington** : More than you know.

_Back to present_

**Washington** : Just like you're getting now. That's why Epsilon went insane; it was meant to. It was all the horrible experiences the Alpha needed to shed to survive.

"And all the evidence of the Director's disregard of the rules." Weiss realized, "If this got out, Project Freelancer would've been shut down and everyone involved would be arrested."

"Including Wash and any other surviving Freelancer." Blake added, "The ones who won't be arrested would probably be the Reds and Blues of the Project, since they had no knowledge of the whole thing."

 **Washington:** And that's why it had to be removed from me.

 **Church** : Did they know that you had the memories?

 **Washington** : I never said a word. But they had their suspicions.

_Flashback to Wash and South_

When the RWBYs saw South, they couldn't be angry at her. It wasn't her fault. No one could stop her from the way she reacted to the whole thing with the . No, it was the Director's fault. If he didn't become desperate enough to make more A.I, thing would've turned out a lot better.

 **Washington** : Do you still have yours?

 **South** : No Wash, I never had one. I was in the implant group behind you, remember? And after what happened to you, nobody got any more.

"It was probably for the best." Yang said, "Those A.I were tainted by the Director's torture!"

"The whole of Project Freelancer was tainted." Ruby added, "That's why the Meta exists, that's why all those Freelancers died, that's why Tex died! IT WAS SOME SICK FUCKER'S FAULT!"

_Back to present_

**Washington** : I would never let them put another A.I. in my head. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to hide what I knew from another program. Which ironically is what led them to think I could be trusted.

"So, he was okay with putting an A.I in his head and helping him, he just didn't want it to find out about his secret. Or else, he could be killed or worse." Weiss realized.

 **Church** : Well what do we do with it?

 **Washington** : We take it, and we get it in the hands of someone who can use all its information. Then they can bring down the person responsible for what was done to Alpha. And to me. And to my friends. They can take down the Director.

"Yeah!" The RWBYs shouted,

"For everyone this bastard let get killed! For Tex, Flowers and who the Meta killed! But most importantly for the Reds and Blues for all the shit he made them do! He! Will! Pay!" Ruby declared.

 **Church** : But what about the Meta? How do we stop him? Isn't that the point? I thought only the Alpha could do that. Are we gonna find it or not?

 **Washington** : No.

"What?" (Ruby)

"Huh?" (Weiss)

"Excuse me?" (Blake)

"What the fuck did he just say!?" (Yang)

 **Church** : No?

 **Washington** : After the first attack on Command, they moved it. They knew the A.I. would just convince their Freelancers to come looking for it again. So they put it in a place where they didn't think anyone could find it.

"Why is he explaining this? What's the point of him telling Church this?" Ruby asked.

 **Church** : But, where? Shouldn't we be there, instead of here?

 **Washington** : Church, I need you to listen to me. Delta was the logic. He was able to figure out things before anyone else. It's why he left a message for you in a way that he knew only you could find, and in a way that let me see you getting it.

"Delta did it on purpose? Why?" Weiss asked, "What are you saying, Wash?"

 **Church** : What are you saying?

Weiss just did a quick groan before she went back to watching, "You inherited a lot of stuff from Church, huh?" Yang joked.

 **Washington** : I'm saying I know what you are. Even if you don't.

"Hold on, where is he going with this?" Ruby asked.

 **Washington:** Why you can seemingly live without a body.

 **Church** : What?

"Because he's a ghost." Weiss said, but started doubting that for some reason.

 **Washington** : It's why they stuck you in some useless backwater canyon where no one ever goes. Then why they transferred every person in your outpost to a different base than you.

"And why there were cameras all over Blood Gulch…" Blake muttered as she slowly started to realize what Wash was saying.

_Flash back to Church meeting Wash and Caboose_

**Church** : I've been here fourteen months.

 **Washington** : What? Over a year, by yourself?

"A person would go insane from being alone for that long." Yang said,

"Unless that person isn't human to begin with." Blake said, causing the girls to stare at her with confusion on their faces.

_Back to present_

**Washington** : It's why you always agreed with everything Delta said.

_Flash back to Church talking with Delta_

**Delta** : I think we should simply be happy it is gone.

 **Church** : That makes sense to me.

"He never questioned anything Delta ever suggested, he just took it as fact." Weiss said, remembering Church's interactions with Delta.

_Back to present_

**Washington** : Why you didn't feel anything when Omega got inside your head.

_Back_

**Church** : Feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird.

"No. Fucking. Way." Ruby gasped as she came to the conclusion Blake had come to.

_Present_

**Washington** : Why you can jump from person to person the way it can.

_Back_

**Washington** : It all adds up then. Omega was the one who inherited that trait.

"Just like an A.I." Yang whispered as her widened to the size of dinner plates,

"J-Ju-Just l-l-li-like an-a-an A-A-A.I." Weiss repeated with a stutter as she looked at her hands, fearing the worst.

_Present_

**Washington** : Church, there's no such thing as ghosts. You're one of them. You're an A.I. You, are the Alpha.

The girls sat in silence as the episode ended, trying to comprehend the facts that had been forced upon them, some more than others. Suddenly, Weiss stood up, her fists shaking and her whole body shivering, as thought as she was desperately trying not to cry, but slowly but surely weakening by the second,

"I-I-I re-r-refuse." The Heiress whispered,

"Weiss?" Yang spoke up,

"I-I re-refuse." She said again with less stuttering,

"What?" Blake asked. Finally, Weiss couldn't hold back anymore,

"I REFUSE!" She yelled out, "I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT I'M AN A.I! I AM NOT A ROBOT! I! AM! HUMAN!"

"W-Weiss…" Ruby whispered before her partner turned to face her, her eyes bloodshot with tears,

"I AM A SCHNEE! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE MY PARENTS MADE ME FROM GEARS AND WIRE RATHER THAN FLESH AND BLOOD! I KNOW WHO I AM! I AM WEISS SCHNEE! MY NAME IS WEISS SCHNEE, HEIRESS TO THE SCHNEE DUST COMPANY AND, AND,  **AND!** " Suddenly, Weiss just collapsed to her knees, as though she was resigning to her fate, "And I don't know who I am anymore."

"Weiss, get a hold of yourself." Yang said softly, "We know who you are."

"Do you?" Weiss asked, "My p-p-pa-p-parents always wanted a perfect daughter in order to uphold their legacy. It's in Schnee tradition to be great." She then closed her eyes, "Maybe they were desperate. Maybe they couldn't make one through natural means. Maybe I'm fake, that I'm not the real Weiss. I was built to be perfect. But, I'm not. I'm imperfect. A mistake. I felt like I wasn't part of the family sometimes. And I guess I know why." She then stood up and took a few deep breaths, "I guess… I am an A.I. I'm not real. All the emotions I feel are just programmed. Why I'm still here and not at a scrap yard, I don't know. But, I know this." She then turned to her teammates, "I'm happy."

And then Ruby punched her in the stomach.

"Don't say things like that." Ruby whispered, ignoring the shouts from Yang & Blake, "You're my best friend Weiss, and I won't stay sitting down while you tell yourself that you were a mistake." Weiss then fell back as she clutched her stomach while she coughed violently, blood dripping from the corner of her mouth. Ruby wiped the blood off of Weiss' face, making the Ice Mage flinch, and showed it to her, "Look, you bleed. You feel pain. And you're scared."

"That's because I thought you were going to hit me again." Weiss managed to say between coughs,

"I'm sorry, but I had to prove to you that you're human. Flesh and blood. Made of muscle and bone. And I thought you were the smart one."

"I am." Weiss whispered,

"Yeah, you're definitely showing that." Yang muttered, only to be glared at by her younger sister,

"Anyway…" Ruby continued, "The point is that you are Weiss, not an A.I or W-3155 or some shit. And even if it turns out you really are one, nothing would change. We're here for you."

"Yeah, we're here until the end." Blake said, "And don't you remember that Yang became a ghost for a bit?"

"And you've seen me bleed. And sweat. And vomit…"

"I don't need to be reminded of that." Weiss said as she turned green,

"Yeah, too much information Yang." Ruby said, "So, who are you again?" Weiss giggled as Ruby helped her up,

"Weiss. No more. No less."

"Good. Now, can we just watch more RvB?" Ruby asked. Weiss couldn't help but laugh as they went back to the couch. Blake passed the remote, but not before whispering something into the Heiress' ear,

"I'm the smart one, bitch." Weiss couldn't help but smirk,

"Oh really?" She asked mockingly,

"And don't you forget it."

"Prove it. Beat me in chess."

"Oh, you are so on."

"Please, don't you remember? I'm Weiss-motherfucking-Schnee, and get ready for the biggest intellectual beatdown in your life."

"Game on."

"Oh I plan to." Weiss said with a confident smile, "Right after this." Weiss then pressed play.

**(Chapter 17: Deny Thy Name)**

**Chairman** : Dear Director.

_Fade in to Church and Wash_

**Chairman** : It is now clear, that your agency and its primary program "Project Freelancer" have abused the trust and freedoms that the Oversight Sub-committee has provided you. Your abuse of the Alpha A.I. will now become the subject of a criminal investigation. I am sorry Director, but you have seen the end of my patience.

"Looks like someone's in trouble~" Yang sang out, "That's right, you cockbites, get ready to pay for your crimes!"

"And with Wash & Church planning to give Epsilon over to the Oversight Sub-Committee, it'll only be a matter of time before the Director is brought to justice." Blake added,

"But, what about Alpha?" Weiss asked,

"Who?" Ruby spoke up,

"Church." Weiss then paused, "You know what, no matter what he is, he's still Church to us and that's all that matters."

_Church and Wash look at each other silently for a few seconds. Very exciting stuff, huh?_

"I guess Church is still processing that he's the Alpha." Ruby guessed, "Understandable. At least he didn't start shouting like  _some_ people."

"I was having a breakdown, alright!" Weiss shouted,

"Good to see you're back Weiss." Yang said truthfully,

"And better than ever!"

_Cut to Simmons typing at Terminal 84-C - Administrator Access Only_

**Sarge** : What're you finding out, Simmons?

 **Simmons** : Looks like all the Blue records are here, I just don't have the access to delete them. I'm trying to work around that right now.

"They have access to them, why can't Simmons just copy all the files on the Blues first and  _then_ delete the Blues, so that way any Blue they come across they already know their weakness." Yang suggested,

"Yang, there are probably hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of files on the Blue Team alone. I don't think stuffing all of that into Simmons' or Lopez's brain would be a very good idea." Blake pointed out, "Also, who told Simmons to delete the Blues despite already knowing that the whole war is fake and pointless and that what their hacking could hold very valuable information about the Blues or even why they're there in the first place?"

"Okay! You made your point. Don't rub it in." Yang muttered as she crossed her arms.

 **Grif** : Ooh, try hacking the mainframe.

"Uh… isn't he already doing that?" Ruby said.

 **Simmons** : This isn't a mainframe system.

 **Grif** : How 'bout cracking it, would cracking it work?

"Is he literally listing off hacking terms from movies?" Blake asked rhetorically.

 **Simmons** : Grif shut up! Stop making suggestions when you have no idea what you're talking about.

 **Grif** : Well, if you want help-

 **Simmons** : I don't want help.

"Grif, he's got this. Shut up and do what you love: Doing nothing." Weiss said.

 **Grif** : Maybe you should explain what's going on, and I could make an educated suggestion.

 **Simmons** : Educated? Okay, fine. This computer is a dedicated interface with a highly developed security protocol. The information we are accessing is stored on a separate database with its own dedicated hardware. That system has its own distinct layer of security. From what I can tell, the two systems verify their identities by trading randomly generated two thousand fifty six bit encryption keys. I'm tryin' to spoof one of those keys right now. So, Grif. I'm all ears. Any suggestions?

"I literally don't know what half of that meant." Ruby said,

"There was something about a spoof, right?" Weiss asked,

"This sounds impossible." Blake spoke up,

"Yep, there's the headache." Yang groaned as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Grif** : …Oh yeah, I've seen that before. You should try uploading a virus to the mainframe.

"Idiot!" The RWBYs shouted.

 **Simmons** : Jesus.

 **Grif** : I find viruses that feature a laughing skull tend to work the best.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Yang shouted before taking in a deep breath and started chanting, "Must. Resist. Murder. Must. Resist. Murder."

"I am wondering how even made it this far." Weiss muttered as RWB started shifting away from the Brawler,

"Is that crown glowing?" Blake asked as she saw the little plastic crown Yang had somehow gotten a few weeks back glowing like it was made of gold. Sadly, her question was not answered, but was probably for the best anyway.

 **Simmons** : Shut the fuck up and let me work!

_Cut back to Church and Wash_

**Church** : …You're a fucking idiot.

"Okay, that was unexpected." Yang said, "I thought, you know, he would uh… you know, I can't think of any other reaction than that."

 **Washington** : That's not the reaction I expected.

 **Church** : You think I'm a computer program.

 **Washington** : Why is that hard to believe?

"Seriously, there's a lot of evidence supporting this!" Weiss exclaimed, "And I don't see the ghost of York or Wyoming around!"

"Well, exce-" Ruby was about to say Tex before she stopped and realized something, "Oh my God."

"What?" Yang asked,

"Tex is an A.I too!" The leader exclaimed, "Wash said there's no such thing as ghosts, right? And the only 'ghosts' we knew was Church,"

"And Tex." Weiss finished off, "She was probably one of the Freelancers who assaulted Command. But, I don't get why she was a Freelancer though…"

"What do you think Tex's real name is then, since it probably isn't Allison?" Yang asked,

"I don't know, Beta? I think Wash said that when he was explaining some stuff about the A.I." Blake answered, "Wait, hold on, if Tex is an A.I and the Meta got Gamma and Omega…"

"Shit, it must've gotten Tex too!" Ruby realized. The girls then looked down in sadness as they thought about Tex and how she's now being forced to work for the Meta,

"Wait, doesn't that mean Church is in love with his own child!?" Yang exclaimed, completely ruining the moment, "What the hell!?"

"You had to bring up incest, didn't you?" Blake groaned with a blush on her cheeks,

"You want that don't you?"

"NO I DON'T!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." Yang said as she rolled her eye, "Meow Chicka Meow Meow." And suddenly, her world was filled with grape soda,

"Well, that's gonna scar me for life." Weiss muttered, referring to both the incest thing and the Cat version of Tucker's catchphrase,

"Let's just hope they something about it." Ruby said as they continued the episode (AN: A request from AkumaKami64! And the cat version of Tucker's catchphrase comes from D.N.K!).

 **Church** : Uh, how 'bout 'cause I'm a person. That I have been my whole life? That I have memories from when I was a kid? And I don't remember being a calculator, dude.

 **Washington** : A.I. are programs based on an actual human mind. You're bound to have some residual memories. They're just not yours.

"And your actual memories are right in front of you, Church. But you might not want it right now though." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Oh you're so full o' shit.

 **Washington** : And after what you've been through it's not hard to imagine you wouldn't-

 **Church** : Oh, st- thi- give me a break dude.

"He's completely serious, Church. Seriously, it's either you're a g-g-ghost, which you haven't seen, or an A.I, which you've seen hundreds of." Blake said.

 **Washington** : Okay, fine. I guess you being a spirit makes more sense.

 **Church** : Fuck yeah, it does. It's way less geeky, asshole.

"Because being a ghost is so in right now." Yang said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Washington** : A spirit.

"A spectre." (Ruby)

"A phantom." (Weiss)

 **Church** : Yeah. That's right.

 **Washington** : A ghost!

"A soul." (Blake)

"A wraith." (Yang)

 **Church** : Boo, motherfucker.

_Back to the Reds_

**Sarge** : Simmons, how's your progress?

 **Simmons** : Good, I'm almost in. This blinking light is really distracting me though.

"Someone better turn that off or else he might mess up delete the Reds instead." Blake muttered, "Like it was a good plan to begin with."

 **Sarge** : What is it?

 **Grif** : Hey guys, I told Caboose to watch out the windows in the next room. That should give us some relief.

"They're gonna get busted eventually, the least they could do is be prepared just in case." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Good. Simmons, if that light bothers you so much, just turn it off.

 **Simmons** : Hey, I got a great idea, how 'bout if someone else does somethin' for once. I'm workin' here!

"Yeah! He's kinda in the middle of the dumbest way to win a war in history!" Weiss called out.

 **Grif** : Heuh, I'll do it.

_Grif hits the light and we hear radio sounds_

**Unknown Speaker** : Hello! Come in Command! Do you read Command? Why isn't anyone answering!?

"From the sounds of it, it looks like whoever this person is, is in trouble." Ruby said, "Which is awkward considering that they're probably not gonna help the poor guy."

'Why does he sound so familiar?' Blake thought before shaking her head, 'Must be my imagination.'

 **Grif** : What should I say?

 **Simmons** : Who the fuck cares, just get rid of him.

 **Grif** : Um, hello. Uh, this is Command. Go ahead.

 **Unknown Speaker** : Finally! Hey! This is a distress call! We need help down here ASAP! Mayday, and all that shit!

"Okay, this guy is definitely in trouble." Weiss said, "It sounds like he's in a war zone or something."

"It's probably a Red or a Blue." Yang guessed.

 **Grif** : Oh, yeah, uh, sorry dude, there's no one here to take your call right now.

 **Unknown Speaker** : What!?

"Yeah, you're kinda screwed there buddy." Yang muttered.

 **Grif** : Can I take a message?

 **Unknown Speaker** : Dude that's bullshit. You guys suck.

"Command always suck, soldier. That's why people hate them." Ruby said with a smile.

 **Grif** : Is that the message?

 **Unknown Speaker** : No it's not the message asshole! Tell them, we found what we're looking for, and it's under the sand. Send, help, now.

"So… he's in a desert?" Weiss asked, "And why can't he be less cryptic!?"

"First it's memory is the key and now this? It has to be a fad." Blake guessed.

 **Simmons** : ( _whispering_ ) What the hell is he talking about?

 **Grif** : ( _whispering_ ) Who the fuck knows? ( _speaking_ ) Under, sand. Uh okay. I got it. As soon as they get back I'll be sure to grab them and uh, slip it to 'em.

 **Unknown Speaker** : Yeah, slip it to 'em! Bow chicka bow wow.

"EH!?" Team RWBY shouted out,

"Wa-W-Was that Tucker!?" Weiss exclaimed,

"Holy shit, we haven't seen him since Season 5." Yang said,

"Wait, why is he in the desert?" Ruby asked,

"A better question would be why is he not with Caboose?" Blake pointed out,

"I guess Command saw his potential and made him an official soldier." Yang guessed, "I never saw myself saying this but congratulations Tucker."

"So I'm guessing Donut's also a soldier now too." Ruby spoke up before giggling, "It would be funny if he was an Infiltrator. He does know his holes."

"Yeah, that would be the day." Weiss said as she rolled her eyes at her partner's immaturity.

 **Grif** : What'd you say?

_Sound of explosion_

"Okay, that doesn't sound good." Yang stated.

 **Tucker** : Oh shit, gotta go!

 **Grif** : Was that who I think it was?

"Oh, it's exactly who it is." Blake groaned, being reminded about Noire's activities with her body.

 **Caboose** : Did somebody here just say something?

_Back to Church and Wash_

**Washington** : Look, you can resist this all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that I need your help to beat the Meta.

"Church is the only one actually close to sane as a Blood Gulcher can get." Weiss said.

 **Church** : Why me?

 **Washington** : Who else, Church?

"Let's see… Sarge plain can't be trusted, Grif is too cowardly and lazy, Simmons just sucks and Caboose is… Caboose." Ruby listed off, "Yeah, you're pretty much the only person Wash can really trust right now so good luck with the Meta."

 **Church** : Why not Tex? She's a ghost, like me. Use her.

"She's most likely with the Meta so she can't really help you there." Yang said as she leaned back.

 **Washington** : But she's not you. Even if I could find her, even if she's still alive I don't think I could trust her. Tex is... confusing. The Director and Councilor always worked so closely with her, she was, like... their favorite.

"Maybe she was another of the Director's experiments." Weiss guessed, "Have an A.I think act like a human Freelancer and see what happens. I'm guessing that's why the Director took interest in the crash at Valhalla and ignored the other Freelancers."

 **Church** : You sound jealous. What's the matter, Daddy didn't love you enough?

 **Washington** : We were a competitive group. We had to be. But she always had special treatment from our superiors. There has to be a reason for that. She is... she's... I don't know what she is.

"I think we know." Ruby spoke up, "She was, is, a human being at heart. Coding. Whatever. She's as human as us and that's all that matters."

 **Church** : Uhuh, what? You don't know something? I thought you knew everything?

 **Washington** : No Church, I don't know everything. You're not going to get all the answers you want. But what I do know is that the Meta and this program are an enormous danger to everyone. And we just need to do what's expected of us.

"And that's what being a hero is all about, to do what's best for the world!" Yang called out.

 **Washington:** Do you think you can-

_An alarm starts going off_

"Uh oh. This might be trouble." Blake said.

 **Church** : Oh great! What is that?

 **Washington** : We've been found out. Quick, grab Epsilon. I'll lead us out. Keep your head down.

 **Church** : Okay, but if this fucking thing sends out any more images, I'm gonna throw it in the nearest trash can.

"Yeah, throw away the expensive, insane A.I in a garbage can. Have maintenance do it for you." Ruby joked.

_Cut to the Reds and Caboose, with the alarm still going off_

**Caboose** : Does anyone else hear that?

"Everyone can hear that Caboose." Weiss answered, "We aren't deaf."

 **Grif** : Yes, we all hear it Caboose.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, did you do that?

 **Simmons** : I don't think so. Hope not.

"There is a slight chance Simmons triggered the alarm by hacking." Blake pointed out.

 **Caboose** : Uh, Red guys? Uhm, White guys are coming? Aaand, they look mad.

_One of the approaching white guys throws a grenade at the building, and the grenade explodes_

**Caboose** : Really, mad.

"And this is why Sarge's idea suck ass." Yang muttered as she shook her head, "Yep, they're boned."

 **Sarge** : Grif, close those shutters!

 **Grif** : On it.

_The shutters close._

"Okay, they're safe but not for long. They need hold out until Wash & Church get back then get out with Epsilon before they're killed so they can get give the A.I to someone who could use it to arrest the Director and make him pay for what he's done to Church and the Freelancers." Weiss said, "Simple enough."

 **Simmons** : Here, I got it! This is every bit of information about the Blues and their soldiers!

 **Sarge** : Can you erase it?

 **Simmons** : I can, but Sarge maybe we should think about this for a moment. What happens if we delete the Blues?

 **Sarge** : It means they never existed.

"No, that proves you're way too loyal for your own good." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : But did you ever stop to think, what does it mean to be Red if there is no Blue? If they never existed what's the purpose of even having a Red army if there's no one for us to fight? Do you understand what I mean? It's like, flip sides of the same-

_Sarge steps forward and pushes the button. The words "BLUES DELETED" appear on the screen_

**Simmons** : ...coin.

"Well." Yang breathed out, "Congratulations. You just deleted everything about the Blue Team and made the entire Red vs Blue war pointless. The Reds don't win since there are no enemies for them to fight, and the Blues don't exist in Command's systems anymore. And even if they do, if they report it they'll think the Red Team is crazy and not count it as a win. Though you may have screwed over the Blues since they can't radio in support, you also screwed over your own team since Command will find it as a waste of resources. So thank you Sarge for making the entire fucking war  _non-existent now_!"

"Well, on the bright side it stopped Simmons' stupid speech." Ruby pointed out.

 **Sarge** : What it means is what it's always meant. We rule, they suck. Don't over analyze it you pussy.

 **Grif** : Oh my God. Where's Caboose?

"Huh?" The girls said as they realized the Blue Idiot was nowhere to be seen.

 **Sarge** : What in the-

 **Simmons** : Where did he go? *gasp* You don't think that deleting him from the computer somehow altered the fabric of reality and removed him from-

_Caboose appears._

**Caboose** : Hey guys. I was just tryin' to find the bathroom. Church always has me go before a big battle. He hates when I ask to go in the middle of one.

"Wow… It's not a good day to be philosophical, Simmons." Blake said (AN: From Warlord-Xana!).

 **Simmons** : Oh...

 **Sarge** : Did you want to finish your thought, Simmons?

 **Simmons** : Naw that's okay, I'm- I'm cool.

"Really…" Weiss said as she rolled her eyes,

"You wanna talk about it?" Ruby asked.

 **Grif** : Come on dude, tell us more about the reality bending computer. I'm hanging on your every word.

 **Simmons** : I don't wanna talk about it.

 **Sarge** : How do we turn this damn alarm off? Maybe it's one of those clap things.

_Sarge claps twice and the alarm stops_

**Sarge** : There we go.

"Well, that's just fucking dumb." Yang said as everyone face palmed,

"Who's fucking idea was to have a clap activated alarm  _in a military base_!?" Weiss exclaimed,

"Command is full of idiots, so it isn't really a surprise." Blake stated as she grabbed the remote, "Anyway, time to see how the Reds and Blues will get out of this."

"And the consequences of the Reds' actions." Ruby added as the Faunus pressed play.

**(Chapter 18: Destiny Hates You)**

**Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to the Freelancers attacking the structure_

**Director** : I don't give a damn about your committee and its opinions of my work. Have you forgotten Sir, we were at war? A fight with an alien race for the very survival of our species? I feel I must remind you, that it is an undeniable, and may I say a fundamental quality of Man, that when faced with extinction, every alternative is preferable.

"Hey, wasn't that the quote from the first episode?" Ruby pointed out,

"I guess it is, but to really see how far someone would go for the sake of humanity, I'm ashamed that I'm the same species as the Director." Weiss admitted,

"Amen." Yang said as she nodded.

_Cut to Church and Wash running up a ramp_

**Soldier** : Over here, over here!

 **Washington** : Get that door!

_The door closes behind them and they arrive with the Reds_

**Church** : What's the status up here?

"Pretty much what happens every time they do something. People try to kill them and there's a low chance that they'll actually make it out alive." Blake said, "They are a really lucky group of idiots, aren't they?"

 **Grif** : Fucked up, 'bout to die, Simmons is a nerd... the usual.

 **Sarge** : Looks like we've got at least half a dozen squads out there. They know our position, and we're outgunned.

 **Washington** : So, what's the plan?

"Get the fuck out of there and ran for your fuck!" Yang answered.

 **Sarge** : Well we were gonna retreat down the hall until you just brought more guards up that way, so now the plan's pretty much to go down swinging. You first.

 **Grif** : Hey Simmons, can you get back on that computer and change my affiliation from Red to Freelancer?

 **Simmons** (& RWBY): Traitor.

 **Grif** : Hey, you gotta go with the winner.

"He does realize after this he'll get arrested not matter what, then he'll actually become the prison bitch, right?" Weiss pointed out, "Prisoners love a fat guy that can cry like a bitch."

 **Caboose** : Um, could you change my job title to something more important like astronaut-oh, I know, Space Marine!

 **Church** : What are you idiots doing?

 **Simmons** : This computer has all of Command's records.

 **Church** : It does? Records on everybody?

 **Simmons** : Yeah. You know, theoretically.

"Well, except you and every other Blue on the database." Ruby quickly added.

_Simmons alt-tab's the screen to something benign to no longer show the big BLUES DELETED on screen_

**Simmons** : Hup du-doo, doo doo, nothin' to see here, doo doo doo doo...

 **Church** : Oh great, now I'll show you that you're wrong.

"Uh… kinda too late for that Church." Weiss said, "Anyway, if the whole Alpha thing is true, they'd probably won't have a record on him."

 **Washington** : What an excellent idea.

 **Simmons** : Wrong about what?

 **Church** : Wash has been trying to convince me, that I'm, an A.I.

"Which is entirely possible." Yang added.

 **Grif** : Hunh? Why would he do that?

 **Washington** : Because he's transparent? He can take over other people, you know, that kind of stuff.

 **Grif** : That's because he's a ghost dude.

"Yeah… those types of abilities are usually connected to g-ghosts." Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Thank you, that's what I said.

 **Washington** : If he's a ghost, why aren't any of the other soldiers turning in to ghosts?

 **Church** : Okay fine, why don't we just settle this? Simmons, look me up in the database.

"Yeah, look him up on a database that doesn't exist anymore." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Yeah I'd like to help, but we may have just kind of, you know, deleted all that stuff for the Blues.

 **Washington** : All of what stuff for the Blues?

 **Simmons** : The everything stuff?

"And all the evidence needed to prove whenever or not Church is an A.I or not with it." Ruby added.

 **Washington** : Didn't I tell you not to touch anything?

 **Simmons** : Yes. But, you also told us to break stuff. This seemed like an excellent compromise.

"It would've been smarter to disband the Blue Armies instead of deleting everything since that would count as a win for the Reds and the Blues get to go home. It's a win/win." Yang pointed out.

 **Church** : Alright, great, that's fantastic now I can't prove him wrong, and I don't get a paycheck. Fucking great, thanks guys.

 **Sarge** : And your side never existed! Which means Red wins. Suck it you non-existent losers!

"Wait, how can you guys win when there are no losers?" Weiss asked as she smirked a little, "It may as well count as a stalemate at best, and at worst a waste of resources."

 **Church** : Doh nobody gives a fuck about that.

 **Sarge** : Sour grapes.

 **Grif** : No way, he's not a computer.

"Has anyone actually checked under his armour before he died? Or at least seen him in a shower?" Blake asked,

"You would've liked that, wouldn't you?" Yang said,

"Ye-" Blake the paused as she realized what she was about to say, and quickly shot a glare at her partner, "Oh, shut the fuck up Sister."

"I'M NOT SISTER! WHY CAN'T ANYONE GET IT THROUGH THEIR HEADS!?"

"Keep telling yourself that, Sister. Someone will believe you eventually." Ruby said as she giggled,

"You're a traitor, you know that?"

"I know, and I regret nothing!"

 **Sarge** : How can we be sure?

 **Caboose** : Maybe we should ask him something only a computer would know.

 **Simmons** : Like what?

"I don't know, binary?" Yang suggested, "Wait, hold on, already done. Totally an A.I."

 **Caboose** : What's nine times eight?

 **The Reds** (& RWBY): Seventy two.

 **Caboose** : Oh my God it's spreading.

"No, it's 3rd Grade Math." Weiss corrected.

 **Grif** : How 'bout this: show me some porn.

 **Church** : What?

 **Caboose** : What?

 **Sarge** : What?

"What?" The RWBYs said as almost the whole team got blushes on their cheeks.

 **Grif** : That's what all my computers do. Oh, oh, uh, uh, steal some music for me. Oh or uh uh, talk about politics and bore the shit out of me.

"He's listing off every illegal thing you can do on a computer isn't he?" Yang groaned, "You are not helping, Grif."

 **Caboose** : Do you have any pictures of cats in serious situations?

As soon as everyone looked at her, Blake growled and got ready to pull out her weapon, causing everyone to shift back to watching.

 **Washington** : Because of the trauma he's been through, he's not going to be able to access most of his functions. He may not even realize his full potential.

 **Sarge** : Not living up to his potential? That means Grif's a computer too.

"Aw… Sarge thinks Grif has potential to be a good soldier…" Ruby said, "Well, I definitely don't really see it."

 **Washington** : It doesn't matter. We don't need him to believe. Until the next time we encounter the Meta.

_There's a loud sound of something landing on top of the building_

**Washington** : What the Hell was that!?

"Uh… I think you're about to encounter the Meta." Weiss called out,

"He had to jinx it." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : Come on, do you even need to ask?

_The Meta half-materializes on top of the building and the Freelancers stop firing_

**Soldier** : Primary target has arrived. Engage, engage!

"I don't think that alarm was for the Reds and Blues, it was for the fucking Meta!" Yang exclaimed.

_Open fire_

**Church** : The Meta, how'd he get inside the compound?

 **Simmons** : What do you mean how, it took us like ten minutes. Not that hard.

"They  _really_ need to up the security at Command." Ruby noted, "First the attack on Command by the Freelancers, then the Reds & Blues sneak into the A.I storage facility and now the Meta is there and killing everything. I am surprised that the place hasn't exploded yet."

 **Washington** : Perfect.

 **Church** : Perfect?

 **Washington** : He's been following us since I found Caboose. I knew he couldn't resist getting his hands on all the stored Command A.I.s. Especially Epsilon.

"Right, even though it isn't a full A.I, it has the Alpha's memories. And that's the closest thing to the Alpha the Meta get." Blake said, "And with all the other A.I with it, it'll be unstoppable."

 **Church** : You knew about this?

 **Washington** : Knew about it? I planned on it. Still have Epsilon?

 **Church** : Yeah, of course.

"It is the key to everything after all." Yang added.

 **Washington** : Good, let's get it to safety. Then we can finish this. Once and for all.

 **Church** : You know I'm starting not to trust you.

 **Sarge** : What do you mean startin' to?

"Good point, Sarge." Weiss admitted.

_Cut to Wash, the Reds and Blues arriving at a garage with several jeeps_

**Grif** : What is this, the motor pool?

"What do you think?" Ruby asked rhetorically,

"There are so… many… Chupathingies…" Yang said as she started to drool. A flick on Yang's forehead got her back to reality.

 **Washington** : Yes. Looks like everyone is outside fighting the Meta. Still, be careful. Red, you grab a vehicle. Caboose, somehow I hate to ask this, but, can you drive?

 **Caboose** : Yes. But not an automatic; only stick.

"Wait, what?" Blake spoke up,

"How is that physically possible?" Weiss asked,

"Uh… it's Caboose. Only he can misspell his own name." Yang answered.

 **Washington** : Why can't you drive-

 **Grif** : We're in a rush, come back to it later.

 **Washington** : Right. Caboose, grab that car. Church, put Epsilon in Caboose's jeep. You guys are gonna make a break for it. Take Epsilon and turn him over to the authorities. They'll know what to do with him.

 **Sarge** : You're not comin'?

"There isn't enough room in the jeeps for everyone and Meta will be still on the loose if they all leave. Someone has to stay to ensure the others escape and get Epsilon to the proper authorities, or else everything they've done is all in vain." Ruby said as she looked down sadly, "There's no other choice. Some people have to stay and there's no grantee that they'll make it out alive."

 **Washington** : No. Church and I are staying. Project Freelancer had one last resort failsafe: a high power E.M.P. that can wipe out all the A.I. in this facility.

"Wait a minute, Church is an A.I! If he gets caught in the emp,"

"He'll die. No ghost, no body, no chance. He'll be dead permanently." Weiss finished off Yang's sentence, "And it's E.M.P."

"Emp."

"Please don't let it be Warthogs vs Pumas again." Ruby groaned.

 **Washington:** Now that the Meta is here we have a chance to take them all out at once and put this entire project out of commission.

 **Grif** : What's an E.M.P.?

 **Washington** : It's an electo-magnetic pulse. It wipes out all circuitry and computers it touches. It will destroy the A.I.-

 **Simmons** : Oh, you mean an Emp.

"Oh, you gotta be shitting me." Blake said as Weiss groaned in annoyance. Both Ruby and Yang smirked as soon as Simmons said that.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, I was just about to say. Sounds like he's talkin' 'bout an Emp.

 **Washington** : Emp? That's not how you say it.

"We know Wash. We fucking know." Team Checkmate said as they face palmed.

 **Sarge** : That's how most people say it. "Emp."

"Thank you Sarge for proving us right." Yang said with a smile,

"Shut up, you're wrong." Blake growled as she crossed her arms in anger.

 **Washington** : No, they don't.

 **Church** : I say it that way.

"Well, technically this proves you're more Wash than Church, since he knows how to pronounce it properly." Ruby pointed out, earning a glare from Weiss,

"Are you saying I'm dumb?" Weiss asked through gritted teeth,

"No!" Ruby quickly said, "Maybe." She whispered to herself,

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" Weiss shouted as she got out Myrtenaster,

"Joking! I was joking!" Ruby quickly said as she shielded herself with Crescent Rose.

 **Washington** : It's initials for Electro, Magnetic, Pulse. That's E.M.P.

 **Grif** : Right. Which spells Emp. Durr.

Both Weiss and Blake looked ready to stab Grif in balls, repeatedly. For 9 hours.

 **Washington** : We don't have time for this. You're wrong.

 **Simmons** : Why don't we take a vote.

 **Washington** : A vote? No. No vote, you're just wrong. There's no vote, it's E.M.P.

 **Caboose** (& Ruby): Not very democratic.

"Oh shut up!" Ruby exclaimed as soon as she saw Weiss & Blake amused faces (AN: From snake screamer!)

 **Washington** : Being wrong isn't a Democracy.

"No, it's a  _dumb-_ ocracy." Yang punned. Suddenly, Ruby raised up the Melon Hammer she found in Team JNPR's closet. It took all her will power to stop herself from playing Whack-A-Mole with Yang just in case her sister countered it, despite the begging looks from Blake & Weiss.

 **Washington:** Church and I will work our way down to the Director's lab while the rest of you escape.

 **Sarge** : What if the Meta follows us?

 **Washington** : No chance. There's no way he can pass up all the A.I. in here. Put Epsilon in the car and let's get moving.

 **Church** : I'm leaving. I'm going with them.

"Wait, what is he doing?" Weiss said as her eyes widened.

 **Washington** : What?

 **Church** : Wash, I don't give a shit about any of this. I hate you, I hate the Freelancers, I hate everything about you guys. This isn't my fight; it's yours.

 **Washington** : It's your fight more than anyone else's!

"Church, Wash is going to die if he faces the Meta alone. If he dies before he sets off the E.M.P, then it's definitely going to be your fight then because it  _will_ find out where Epsilon is and where the Alpha is. Hell, the Meta might know that who the Alpha is and will find it." Blake said grimly, "There's no other way around it. You're practically Wash's only hope right now."

 **Church** : I don't care what you say, no, it isn't.

 **Washington** : Church, you'll never get another shot at fixing all of this. I know you don't believe what I've told you, but you need to ask yourself, what if I'm right? If I am, or if you have any doubts, not finding out will haunt you for the rest of your life. Not just finding out about you but, finding out about everyone close to you as well. It's your choice. What's it going to be?

"What is it going to be?" Yang repeated as she grabbed the remote, "Church can walk away right now and not look back, or he could die stopping the Meta. So, what is it going to be?"

"My guess, he leaves." Blake answered, "The Freelancers have caused enough grief for him, and he isn't exactly willing to sacrifice himself for them, even if it is the right thing. He doesn't care about them anymore. All he wants to do is to be alone. He hates everybody, even his own teammates. I think he was happier back at his base before Wash got him."

"I'm leaning towards Church actually doing what's best and going with Wash, but I don't see it happening." Weiss admitted, "He has nothing to gain from doing it and he doesn't have a reason to help Wash."

"I'm neutral in this." Ruby spoke up, "Maybe he might do it, or maybe he'll leave with the Reds and Caboose. But, does he really want to find out about himself, about everyone around him? I don't know, but I do know that no matter what, not everyone will make it."

"So… any dramatic speeches before we start the finale episode of Reconstruction?" Yang asked. Everyone automatically looked at Ruby,

"Do I have to?" Ruby whined,

"It's kinda become a tradition." Weiss said,

"Yeah, it would feel weird if you didn't do one." Blake admitted,

"You build up tension really well with those." Yang said,

"Ugh! Fine." Ruby finally gave in before pumping herself up, "It's finally time! To end all this drama, to answer the questions we have! It is time for a finale! Today, we finish another season, a season full of twist and turns tha-"

"Yeah, this is getting boring." Yang interrupted her sister, "Finish it already!"

"Okay! It's time to finish off Red vs Blue: Reconstruction! Yang, play!" The Blonde Brawler nodded before she pointed the remote at the TV and pressed play.

**(Chapter 19: Meet My Maker)**

**Chairman** : To the Director of Project Freelancer.

_Fade in to the electronic storage area for A.I.s_

**Chairman** : I write to inform you, that by the authority of this Sub-Committee, officers have been dispatched, to place you under arrest, and we expect your full co-operation. Congratulations are in order, I suppose. When they write the new morality protocols for dealing with A.I., I'm certain they will name entire sections of the doctrine after you. It seems that you will earn your place in history after all, dear Director.

"Hey, despite being practically the good guy here, he's kind of a dick." Yang pointed out, "Sure, the Director has done some pretty bad stuff, but this is just rubbing it in."

_Cut to the Meta fighting the Freelancer soldiers and winning. Then cut to the main characters back in the motor pool. Church is still in the car._

"I guess Church made his decision." Blake said as she shook her head, "I saw it coming, but it doesn't make me feel any better."

 **Washington** : Alright. Stick to the plan. Just run. Get Epsilon out of here. Turn it over to the authorities the first chance you get.

 **Simmons** : Sarge, shouldn't we help him? He won't stand a chance against that thing.

 **Sarge** : We have our orders, Simmons. We have to think about the mission.

"Yeah, right now all they need to focus is getting Epsilon out of there getting it to the proper authorities. Whenever Wash survives or not isn't important, the objective is to escape with Epsilon." Weiss said emotionlessly,

"That's cold, Weiss." Ruby said, "Don't you want Wash to survive?"

"I'm just stating facts. Like you said, not everyone's going to make it out alive."

 **Grif** : Finally an order I wanna follow. "Run away and live."

 **Sarge** : If Agent Wash wants to face him alone, that's his business.

 **Simmons** : Yeah but he doesn't wanna face him alone. It's just that  _some_  people won't help him.

"Damn it Church, why won't you help him!?" Yang shouted, "Sure, he kinda treated you like shit, been a dick to you, and is part of a group you hate with an intense passion but he really needs your help! Do it for Tex at least!"

"I guess he cares more about his own survival than anything else." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : That's not our business either.

 **Washington** : Just drive. When the E.M.P. goes off-

 **Caboose** : You mean the Emp?

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Weiss & Blake shouted as Ruby & Yang snickered, "AND YOU TWO SHUT UP TOO!"

 **Washington** : Stop it. It will destroy Epsilon if you're not far enough away.

 **Caboose** : You got it Mr. Washington.

 **Washington** : Take care of yourself guys. I know that's one thing you're good at.

"Some more than others." Weiss muttered bitterly.

_Wash hits a button and a large door opens upwards_

**Washington** : He's gonna be on you as soon as you clear the gate. Be ready to move. Protect the Blues' vehicle at any cost.

 **Sarge** : Protect the Blues, right, yeah. We'll get riiight on that shit.

"Next thing you know, he shoots Caboose & Church in the face." Ruby quickly said.

_Cut to the Meta, victorious, watching the two jeeps drive a bit and stop_

_Radio sounds_

**Washington** : That's it. Lead the Meta as far away from the base as possible.

"Okay, this is obviously a trick." Blake stated, "Wash is trying to get the Meta away from the Reds and Blues so they can deliver Epsilon."

"Plus, there's no way it's going ignore all those A.I there." Ruby added.

 **An A.I.** : It's a trick.

 **Another A.I.** : Get the A.I.

 **A Third A.I.** : We need them.

"I think the Meta already knows that." Yang muttered, "Unless the A.I are controlling the Meta."

 **Washington** : I just hope there's enough time.

_The Meta runs toward Wash and the base_

**Simmons** : He's fallen for it, gun it Grif!

 **Grif** : Hold on everyone.

"Let's just hope they make it." Ruby whispered, worrying about the Reds and Blues.

_Cut to Wash running through some corridors, pursued by the Meta. Wash enters a large room._

**PA Voice** : Warning. Security breach detected.

"Uh… I'm pretty sure everyone in the entire is either dead or ran away, and I'm sure this place will probably be shut down. Not much use for an alarm anymore." Weiss said.

 **Counselor** : Agent Washington. Good to see you again.

"Hey, it's that guy who gave Wash his job." Yang pointed out, "The guy's a dick for making Wash do all those things."

 **Washington** : Oh, hello. Are you somewhere nearby, Counselor? Somewhere I can say hello in person?

 **Counselor** : Sorry Agent Washington, but we were more than prepared for this... eventuality.

"Yeah, that's definitely a word you could use." Blake muttered, "Bastard knew Wash would kill him as soon as he saw him. Or at least beat him to near-death."

 **Counselor:** I'm afraid we will not be able to see each other in person today.

 **Washington** : Well then you'll excuse me if I don't stop to chat. I'm on a timetable.

 **Counselor** : There is someone else here who would like to speak with you.

_Cut to some type of mechanical eye._

"Okay, what the fuck is that thing!?" Yang exclaimed, "It's like a… eye or something."

"I think that's how the Counselor is speaking to Wash. It's a glorified camera and speaker." Weiss answered, "They're trying to show Wash whose in power, but it isn't working."

 **Director** : Well hello, Agent Washington.

 **Washington** : The Director himself, I should be honored. I  _should_  be.

 **Director** : Yes, I realize it has been a while since we've spoke, David. May I call you David?

"You don't fucking deserve to use that name after what you've done." Ruby growled.

 **Washington** : No, you cannot. You gave me my new name, the least you can do is use it.

 **Director** : I am certain you have a lot of questions, Wash.

 **Washington** : Just one: How do I turn off this speaker?

"He wants nothing to do with you anymore, Director!" Yang shouted.

 **PA Voice** : Warning. Security breach detected.

_The Meta arrives, and Wash puts up a containment field to keep him out. The Meta starts bashing on the containment field in a fruitless effort to escape._

"Okay, maybe an alarm has some uses left in it." Weiss said,

 **Director** : Well. The prodigal son returns. Agent Maine you've caused quite a few problems for us. You will not be leaving this time.

"Shut up! There's no more Agent Maine. He died when the Meta was born, and it's your fault for letting him!" Blake yelled.

 **Washington** : I think I've said that myself about twenty times in the last few weeks. Good luck holding him.

 **Director** : You would be surprised what we are capable of, even from this distance. I suggest you work with us if you expect to survive this.

 **Washington** : I'm sorry, did something about my actions indicate I expect to survive?

"No, but we want you to." Weiss whispered to herself.

_Cut to the Reds and Blues barreling across the landscape_

**Sarge** : Still about half a click to go. Step on it!

"They're almost out of range, but they're running out of time." Blake said,

"I wonder how far a click is…" Ruby muttered, "And if it's far enough from the emp."

"E.M.P."

"Shut up, Blake."

_Back to Wash_

**PA Voice** : Clearance verified. The failsafe is now online. Awaiting activation.

 **Director** : How did you get those codes?

"Maybe from a little A.I by the name of Epsilon." Yang said with a smirk, "Oh, they're fucked now."

 **Washington** : You might be surprised what I know, Director.

 **PA Voice** : Warning, this is a last resort measure. Activating the failsafe will destroy all electronic equipment in this facility, including this terminal. Please confirm.

 **Director** : It was Epsilon. He inherited the memories, didn't he?

"Wasn't it obvious Director? I guess Project Freelancer is about to become nothing more but a memory." Ruby punned,

"That was bad." Yang said as she winced at the pun,

"Oh shut up, that's all I could think of! And they're as good as yours."

"No they're not!"

"Yes, they are." RWB said at the same time. Yang just sighed and went back to watching.

 **Washington** : I've known about what you did since the moment you implanted him in me.

 **Director** : Well then I am very sorry Agent Washington, but Project Freelancer no longer has need of your services. Program, disable interior shield.

"He said WHAT!?" The RWBYs shouted in complete disbelief.

_The containment field Wash turned on turns off_

**Washington** : What?

 **Director** : Agent Maine, please kill Agent Washington.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Yang shouted as her hair went alight,

"You traitor." Blake growled as she glared at the screen,

"You cowardly, slithering, evil, cockbiting fucktard!" Weiss exclaimed as she repressed activating her Aura Mode,

"You, are a fucking asshole! Whatever Tex, Wyoming, South even the fucking Meta have done means  _nothing_ compared to this! Being tried and jailed is way too good for you! You deserve death!" Ruby yelled.

_They both draw their pistols_

**Washington** : Nah-

_The Meta shoots Wash, who falls_

"Wash! No!" The RWBYs called out,

"Don't you fucking die on us!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **PA Voice** : Alert: incoming recovery beacon. Level zero. Immediate response necessary.

"Wait, a recovery beacon!? Now!?" Yang shouted, "But the Meta's right there and I don't think it's critically injured." Suddenly, the team's eyes widened as they gasped,

"Unless,"

"Wash has an A.I." Blake finished Weiss' sentence,

"And who's the only friendly A.I we know that isn't with the Meta?" Ruby asked rhetorically. Everyone looked at each other and knew the answer.

_The Meta advances on Wash, who backpedals toward the wall_

**Director** : Agent Washington I fear this is one recovery beacon you won't be responding to. Kill him Agent Maine.

 **An A.I.** : Where is it?

 **Another A.I.** : Where is Alpha?

 **A Third A.I.** : Where is it?

"A lot closer than you think." Ruby said as she smiled sadly.

 **Director** : The Alpha is not here! It has been moved far away! Attend to the matter at hand!

 **Counselor** : Agent Maine what the Director's trying to say, is we can discuss the Alpha later. What's important, is that you prove that you can be trusted again. We need to trust you before letting you meet the Alpha. Wouldn't you agree?

 **Washington** : You know Meta, why wait? Why don't you meet him, right now?

The girls smiled sadly at each other as Weiss started saying, "Yes, let's meet the angry, pissed off, selfish, can't-shoot-for-shit, mean, cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch we know and love. Known to the Fragments as the Alpha but he is, and will forever will be,"

_Church materializes over Wash's shoulder as an A.I._

**Church** : Hi there.

"Leonard Church of the Blood Gulch Blues!" Team RWBY cried out.

_The A.I.s the Meta has accumulated appear around him, with no way of knowing which is speaking_

**An A.I.** : It's him!

 **Another A.I.** : Alpha!

 **A Third A.I.** : Alpha!

"Time to meet your maker, literally!" Yang called out.

_Cut to the Blues and Reds escaping_

**Grif** : Caboose, watch out for that rock!

_Caboose drives in to a big rock, spilling Church's body_

**Caboose** : Oh no. Church!

"Shit, Caboose! Keep moving or else Wash & Church's sacrifices will be in vain!" Blake exclaimed, "Go, you idiot!"

 **Grif** : What the hell are you doing, why are you stopping, move!

 **Caboose** : His body fell out.

 **Grif** : So what!?

 **Caboose** : He's gonna need it.

"No, he's not." Ruby said as she sighed sadly, "I'm sorry Caboose, but I don't think Church will be able to return this time."

"On the bright side, he's finally going to Heaven after all." Yang added.

 **Simmons** : It's just an empty shell, now get going!

_The Reds drive off_

**Grif** : Caboose move it or we're leaving you!

"Come on Caboose and save Epsilon, the E.M.P's gonna get set off any minute now!" Weiss cried out, "Hurry!"

_Caboose takes one last look before he continues driving, and we return to Wash, Church, and Meta,_

**Church** : You know I can see why you didn't want anyone else in your head. Got some pretty heavy stuff going on there. I think you need to talk to a professional.

 **Washington** : That's too bad. I just lost my job, and we have great mental health coverage.

"The pay probably sucked anyway." Blake joked, "No overtime for being a Freelancer or a Recovery Agent. I am so glad I don't work there."

"Plus, at least you aren't about to die or get arrested most of the time." Ruby added.

 **Church** : How much time do you need?

 **Washington** : Whatever you can get me. When the E.M.P. goes off-

 **Church** : When it goes off, I'll be fine. It only affects computers, remember? And I, am a motherfuckin' ghost.

"Yes you are Church." Weiss said as tears started to form in her eyes, "Yes you are."

_Church enters the Meta, and all other A.I.s follow him in_

**Director** : What's goin' on!?

"Everything you've planned, built and done is about to be deleted!" Yang shouted, "Do it Wash!"

 **Counselor** : Agent Washington, please, there is time. If you would just secure Agent Maine we can discuss this situation, in a more civilized manner.

"It's too late for negotiations, dear Counselor. And remember," Ruby said before smirking, "Don't fuck with the Reds and Blues, and Wash is a whole different story all together."

 **Washington** : No, we can't.

_Wash punches the button_

**PA Voice** : Thank you, failsafe initiated. Activating Emp.

" _Emp_!? You've  _got_ to be fucking kidding me." Weiss groaned as Blake face palmed and the sisters smiled with shit-eating grins.

 **Washington** :  _Emp_!? You have got to be fucking ki-

_The E.M.P. goes off, we see the A.I. storage facility go dark, followed by the briefing room from Chapter 1, the jeeps in the motor pool crackling and sizzling, and finally outside to the edge of the compound._

"So, are you ready to admit that you were wrong about the pronunciation of 'emp'?" Yang asked. Blake and Weiss only looked at each other and nodded,

"Checkmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeee…"

"PAWNCH!"

You could probably guess what happened. While Yang was on the floor, Weiss & Blake gave Ruby a look, daring her to even say anything about that,

"Er… I-I'll stay quiet." Ruby said nervously. When Yang finally got up, it was back to watching for them (AN: From snake screamer!)

_Cut to Caboose and the Reds escaping._

**Simmons** : Here comes the pulse, don't stop!

_The E.M.P. shuts down the Reds' Warthog._

"Shit! The Reds!" Ruby called out,

"They'll be fine Ruby. All we need to worry about is Epsilon and Caboose." Blake said.

 **Grif** : Ah, shit, it stalled!

 **Sarge** : Go go go!

 **Grif** : Get Epsilon out of here, don't worry about us!

"They're so close, they're not gonna screw up now!" Weiss said before she cried out, "COME ON CABOOSE! MAKE IT!"

 **Caboose** : Okay! I'm scared!

_Caboose plows past some sawhorses_

**Simmons** : Watch where you're going!

 **Grif** : No!

"That's a cliff!" Yang shouted, "Caboose, don't!"

 **Caboose** : Nnyaaaaaaaa-

_Caboose drives off a cliff overlooking a river._

"CABOOSE! NO!" The RWBYs shouted.

_Fade to black._

"Caboose…" Ruby whispered as the girls looked down sadly, giving a moment of silence to the loyal Blue Soldier,

"No…" Weiss muttered as she hugged herself,

"Damn it." Blake cursed through gritted teeth. Yang just threw the remote at one of their beds and punched a hole in the wall, all while tears ran down her face,

"You fucking idiot." Yang said as she went back to the couch. Ruby pulled everyone in a group hug as the episode continued.

 **Director** : Dear Chairman.

_Fade in to a stream in the middle of the Valhalla canyon_

"Valhalla." Weiss whispered, "Kinda a fitting name after everything that happened."

 **Director** : I am disappointed by your decision to press charges, but I am not surprised. My only hope is that the courts will see the matters differently than you have. You see, I never had the chance to serve in battle, nor did fate provide me the opportunity to sacrifice myself for humanity as it did for so many others in the Great War.

"He wasn't born to be a soldier anyway." Blake said bitterly.

 **Director:** Someone extremely dear to me was lost very early in my life.

"What did he say?" Ruby asked as she looked up at the screen.

 **Director:** My mind has always plagued me with the question, if the choice had been placed in my hands, could I have saved her? The memory of her, has haunted me my entire life, and more so in these last few years than I could ever have imagined. But given the events of these past few weeks, I feel confident that had I been given the chance, I would have made those sacrifices myself. Had I only the chance.

"He lost someone he cared for. That he loved." Yang whispered as she felt her heart ache, "That he would do anything to go back and save her. Only if he had the chance."

"We all think that, Yang. It's just impossible." Blake said tonelessly.

_Cut to the Reds in front of their jeep_

"Hey, the Reds made it. That's something good." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge** : Men, I just got word from our  _new_  Command. They said that thanks to our brave efforts in bringing Project Freelancer to justice, we can have full use of these former bases to continue our training exercises, until such time as they need them for more official purposes. Whatever the hell that means.

"Typical. The fake heroes get all the credit while real one is six feet under and forgotten. Assholes." Yang spat,

"Yang, don't get angry. They are heroes in their own way. If they didn't help Caboose, everything Wash & Church sacrificed will be useless." Ruby said in a calm voice, "Cut 'em a break."

 **Simmons** : Wow, that's great news Sir.

 **Sarge** : We even got a shiny new jeep. Courtesy of the UNSC.

"Wait, UNSC!?" Weiss exclaimed, "As in, the people who made the Spartans?"

"What?" Blake asked. Weiss just sighed,

"Remember when we found the Halo wiki? Well, I read that the UNSC, or United Nations Space Command, is a military, exploratory and scientific agency of something called the Unified Earth Government. The UNSC probably help started Project Freelancer since that's exactly what Wash described when they started the Spartan Program, a super soldier program. These Spartans helped the UNSC fight the Insurrectionist and helped humanity win against the Covenant unlike Freelancer." Weiss explained, "While the UNSC is way smarter and somewhat nicer than Freelancer Command, it still perform its own atrocities."

"Like…" Ruby said, signaling Weiss to continue,

"Well, they needed subjects for the Spartan Program so they kidnapped select children and replaced them with something called Flash Clones, who were designed to die so that their parents wouldn't be any the wiser that their child was still alive."

"That's horrible!" Yang exclaimed,

"That's not even the worst of it. You see, the Spartan Program was expensive and there were very few Spartans out on the field fighting as a majority would died before they could even get into the armour not to mention the rarity of who can become one. So, they developed a cheaper way to make to them with a higher survivability rate. With these new Spartans, they were mainly sent out on suicide missions. I would go into more detail about the UNSC allowed these people to do for the Spartan Program but we should keep watching."

"I'm surprised you even know all that stuff." Ruby admitted. Weiss just giggled in response,

"Well, I am a gamer, not to mention the best. Come on noob, get with the program."

"Yeah…" Ruby muttered, before she realized what Weiss just said, "Wait, what!?"

 **Grif** : Yeah, but Sarge, what the hell is, uh, shotgun, by the way.

 **Simmons** : Shotgun- fuck!

"Déjà vu much?" Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : What the hell is the UNSC?

 **Sarge** : Dunno, never heard of it. Sounds made up.

"Well, at least they're… smarter than your old Command." Ruby pointed out.

_While the Director talks we cruise back up the river towards the other base_

**Director** : I know that you disagreed with my methods, and that others will as well. This is beyond my control.

"Well, duh!" The RWBYs say as they bonked their heads.

 **Director:** However, I cannot imagine that any court, would be able to convict me, no matter how low their opinion of my actions might be. You must understand one basic fact for all this to make sense my dear Chairman. These A.I., they all come from somewhere; they are all based on a person. Our Alpha, was no exception. And while the law has many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others,

"And with good reason too, and you prove it." Weiss said as she glared a little at the screen.

 **Director:** There are no punishments for the terrors that we inflict on ourselves.

"Wait, where is he going with this?" Blake asked as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Director:** So you send your men. They won't find themselves a fight. They'll only find an old man. An old man tired, but satisfied he did his duty. An old man weary from a mind more filled with memory, than it is with hope.

"I can't help but… I feel kinda sorry for the Director." Yang admitted, "He lost someone dear to him, and he's given up hope. He's nothing more but an old man now. I guess… he really deserves death."

"Yeah, I guess he does." Ruby muttered, "But that won't bring back Church, Tex or,"

_We enter the base and find Caboose there, crouching over the A.I and Tex's body._

"Caboose!" The girls exclaimed happily,

"Oh thank God." Ruby said as she gave a sigh of relief,

"He's fine. He's just alone now." Weiss muttered, "But it's good to see you in good health Caboose."

'Nothing can really kill him, huh?' Blake thought as she chuckled a little,

"You fucking idiot." Yang said as smiled widely.

 **Caboose** : Okay. Time to see if this works.

 **Director** : Sincerely yours, the  _former_  Director of Project Freelancer, Doctor Leonard Church.

"WHAT!?" The RWBYs shouted.

_Red vs Blue  
Reconstruction_

"So… Church was a copy of the Director?" Ruby asked after a long silence,

"Yeah, I guess so." Weiss answered, "That is just sick and wrong."

"Church is dead, Wash is probably dead, the Meta is hopefully has its brain shut down due to his reliance on A.I and although the Project is now gone, the Director is still out there." Blake pointed out,

"Yeah, that's not much of a happy end-" Yang then stopped herself as she remembered, "Wait, was that Epsilon with Caboose in the final scene!?" It then hit them like a ton of bricks,

"FUCK!" They shouted as they collectively face palmed. After that, Blake checked the time,

"We have some time left before we can go to sleep. What should we do?" The Faunus asked. The girls looked at each other and smirked,

"Wanna take a wild guess and say that there's another Mini-Series?" Ruby asked,

"Well, what are we waiting for? Go for it!" Weiss exclaimed. Ruby nodded at her partner, turned the TV back on and found the Mini-Series in the Extras menu,

"'Relocated' huh? They're really going for the whole Recollection thing huh?" Ruby muttered, "Fuck it, LET'S WATCH!" And with that, she pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	52. Mini-Series: Relaxing (Relocated)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was a nice, peaceful day at Beacon as Team RWBY finished off Season 6 of Red vs Blue. It was the usual for them. Mind-breaking revelations, insanity, the pure chaos that unfolded in between, the usual things that would happen to them on a daily basis since they got trapped. And now, they were reading to watch a Mini-Series to finish off the day. "'Relocated' huh? They're really going for the whole Recollection thing huh?" Ruby muttered, "Fuck it, LET'S WATCH!" And with that, she pressed play. But nothing happened,

"Uh… the episode isn't playing." Yang said,

"I know." Ruby responded as she tried pressing play again. Still, nothing happened. Ruby shook the remote before pressing play again. And yet, nothing happened. The red Leader was about to bang the remote against the table, only to be stopped as Weiss snatched it out of her hands. The Ice Mage opened the back of the remote,

"Yep. Out of batteries." She said as she got the spent batteries out, "Anyone have spares?"

"I do." Blake answered as she threw a couple at Weiss, which she caught,

"Um, why do you have batteries in your bra?" Yang asked. Blake only glared at her partner in response, "Okay. Noire. Got it."

"And you don't wanna know how I found them." Yang could only blush while Weiss pulled on some gloves. She quickly put the slightly used batteries in the remote and handed it over to Ruby,

"I don't know if I want to touch it or not." Ruby said as she hesitantly grabbed it. She felt extremely dirty just holding it, "I think it still has Noire's influence in these batteries."

"Among other things." Blake muttered as she shook her head in shame, "Now, can  _please_ start this thing already?" Ruby nodded at Blake,

"Alright girls, Season 6 is over along with all the drama that came with it! Say good-bye to the old and say hello to the new, from the box canyon known as Blood Gulch to the rolling hills of Valhalla! The Reds and Blues are now… Relocated!" And with that, Ruby pressed play.

**(Part 1ne)**

**Grif** : I'm tellin' you, this is a whole new world for us. New bases, new armor; it's a fresh start.

"You're still in a canyon of sorts, you have nothing to do but stand around and talk, you're still in a faction you practically hate and everyone who knows you doesn't particularly like you." Weiss listed off, "Hell, the only differences are that there's only one Blue in Valhalla and that it's a lot greener than Blood Gulch."

"Yeah… that's not much of an improvement." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : Then, why the fuck are we having the same conversations?

 **Grif** : Just think, you know how people say, "If I knew then what I knew now?" Well, that person is you, and you already know it. And the "then" is right now.

"Uh… huh?" Ruby said as she tilted her head in confusion.

 **Simmons** : What?

 **Grif** : Don't you regret anything from our last assignment? Like all your mistakes?

 **Simmons** : I didn't make mistakes, you made mistakes.

"No, I'm pretty sure you've made a lot of mistake too Simmons." Yang said, "Like following Sarge for instance."

 **Grif** : Exactly. You set too high of a bar, and that made it harder for the rest of us.

 **Simmons** : There is no "rest of us," there's just you, and you suck. The bar has nothing to do with it. If the bar was set any lower, you'd just hit your fucking head on it. Or accidentally eat it.

"And it was delicious." Ruby added sarcastically.

 **Grif** : You need to loosen up. We got a good thing going here. I mean, this is an easy gig. We need to make the most of it. You should question authority every now-and-then.

 **Simmons** :  _(stutters)_  I question authority.

"I think he questioned authority once…" Blake muttered, "Maybe? I can't remember."

 **Grif** : Asking Sarge, "Can we have more work?" is not questioning authority.

 **Simmons** : Well, Grif, technically that is a question.

"And it is to a figure of authority." Yang added.

 **Grif** : Stop it.

 **Simmons** : Besides, all you ever do is waste time.

 **Grif** : Waste time? I make time. Every second Sarge spends arguing with me is every second I don't have to do something stupid like clean our guns or whatever it is he's ever making you do.

"Hey! Cleaning guns are important!" Ruby exclaimed as she made sure Crescent Rose was at its best, "Not unless you want the rifling to fuck up. And don't get me started about the blood."

 **Simmons** : You dumbass! We have to maintain our equipment. Otherwise...

_A small explosion occurs under the Warthog that Sarge is working on_

**Sarge** :  _(grunts)_  Son of a bitch!

"That would happen." Weiss finished off Simmons' sentence,

"What the fuck did he do?" Yang growled.

 **Grif** : See? That should keep him busy for at least...

 **Sarge** : Simmons! Grif! Front and center!

"Twenty milliseconds. Thirty if Sarge is having an off day." Ruby said.

 **Grif** : Dammit.

 **Simmons** : Nice plan, jackass. Clearly, it's working flawlessly.

 **Sarge** : Hustle up, idiots!

_Camera moves to Blue Base, where Caboose is involved in an unknown activity_

"Okay, what's Caboose doing?" Blake asked, "Why did he keep Epsilon anyway? He knew full well that he should've given it to somebody, like the UNSC or even that Sub-Committee."

"Maybe Caboose forgot." Weiss guessed. The others shrugged,

"It is likely." Ruby spoke up before looking down sadly, "But now Wash and Church's sacrifices are in vain until Caboose turns Epsilon over. The Director needs to pay for his crimes, even if it is against himself."

_Camera returns to Red Base_

**Sarge** : Men, we've got a situation on our hands here.

"Yeah, because the exploding Chupathingy wasn't enough of a clue." Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif** : Sarge, why do you always call us over when you want to talk to us?

 **Sarge** : What? You want me to write you a letter?

"There aren't any owls around, you know." Weiss said,

"Uh… don't you mean pigeons?" Ruby pointed out. The Heiress scoffed in response,

" _Pigeons_? What sort of person would use those sky rats as messengers of important documents? Owls are more obedient and have been used in my family for generations!"

"Really? Out of all the birds in Remnant, your family choose one that only wakes up at night."

"It was during the Human-Faunus War, alright! It was before discovered that Faunus' had night-vision and thought owls were better to use as messengers because they could fly at night."

"And that's why every Thanksgiving in the White Fang we have owl instead of turkey." Blake said flatly, causing Weiss to gasp, horrified at the thought, "…That was a joke."

"He he he… sure it was." Yang said a bit nervously as everyone went back to watching.

 **Grif** : No. I mean there's two of us. Wouldn't it be more efficient for you to come to us? Instead, we always have to-

 **Sarge** : Shut up, Grif.

"Saw that a mile away." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif** : See, I just bought us ten more seconds before he can give us something to do.

 **Sarge** : Grif, can it!

 **Grif** : Five more seconds.

 **Simmons** : Shut up!

 **Grif** : ...Two more.

"That's about 20 seconds worth of laziness." Weiss said as she checked the clock.

 **Sarge** : We've got a problem, men. I'm trying to upgrade the Warthog's weapons system.

 **Simmons** : The weapons system?

"The chaingun? Isn't it badass enough!?" Yang exclaimed,

"You know what they say: Bigger is Better." Blake pointed out, "Especially around the crotch and chest area." The Faunus quickly added,

"WHAT!?" RWY exclaimed as Blake quickly covered her mouth,

"D-D-Did sh-she j-j-just say s-s-so-something,"

"N-Noire would say? Yes." Weiss finished Ruby's sentence, "B-Blake, a-are you sure Noire is completely gone?"

"I-I'm s-su-sure o-of-of i-it." Blake stuttered out, "Oh God, please don't let me turn into her…"

'Welp, I better break out the boob guards soon.' Yang thought. As soon as everyone calmed down, they went back to watching.

 **Sarge** : Yes, as you'll recall, on our last mission, we encountered that magnetic pulse thingy.

"You mean the em-" Ruby didn't finish her sentence as she saw Blake and Weiss slowly reaching for their weapons as Yang clutched her stomach, "Okay, shutting up now."

 **Sarge:** So, I thought we could upgrade the Warthog to use that technology for a fancy new gun.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, wait." Weiss said, "An E.M.P gun? On a  _car_?  _Really_!?"

"Why can't he just upgrade it to use rockets?" Blake groaned.

 **Simmons** : You mean the pulse that knocked out our car and made it stall? That technology?

 **Sarge** : Yes.

"Oh, this is not gonna end well." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons** : You want to add that to the car and activate it on a regular basis?

 **Sarge** : Mhm.

"Uh… is it possible to um… Electro-Magnetic Pulse-proof a car?" Ruby asked, making sure to avoid the word "emp". Her teammates shook their heads automatically.

 **Simmons** : Specifically in battle?

 **Sarge** : Bingo-bango.

"I admit, it  _could_ be an effective weapon," Blake admitted, "If it was only just a gun, and not attached to a machine."

 **Simmons** : And you're sure that's a good idea.

 **Sarge** : Why wouldn't it be?

"I just noticed right now that Simmons is question authority." Yang noted.

 **Grif** : Don't listen to him, sir. I think it's brilliant. The enemy'll never see it coming.

"Yeah… they won't see a stupid idea on a military vehicle." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : That's because it won't be coming! It'll be shutting down every time we fire our primary weapon!

 **Grif** : Like I said, brilliant.

"They're so gonna die as soon as they shoot it." Ruby said tonelessly.

 **Sarge** : The problem is that we still don't have the power online in the base.

 **Simmons** : Right.

 **Sarge** : So, I'm forced to use only my hand tools. I can't get anything done like this.

"Well, electricity is important but from the looks of it they're doing just fine. I guess it's more for convenience than anything else." Blake said.

 **Simmons** : You want us to get the generators running so that you can use your power tools?

 **Sarge** : No! So I can use the radio to call Lopez. Have him come do it for me.

"Or he's just too fucking lazy." Yang said,

"Wait, how is Lopez going to get from Blood Gulch to Valhalla? Sarge wrecked the jeep and I'm pretty sure the Blues' tank isn't functioning anymore." Ruby asked as Yang shed a tear,

"He's a robot. He could walk to Valhalla. But it'll probably take a few days. A week at most." Weiss answered.

 **Grif** : Nice. Wait, our radios work.

 **Simmons** : Not our helmet radios, dumbass. The long-range ones. The people who were here before us disabled them all.

"Oh right." Blake said, "The Blues took down the Reds' radio tower before they shot each other." The girl in black then sighed, "Now that I think about it, the Blues were trying to save the Reds from Omega. They didn't want to other team to suffer the same fate."

"At least he won't be a problem anymore." Ruby muttered as she looked down.

 **Sarge** : It seems to me, the Blue Base is online. We need to get someone over there to see how they did it. Simmons, it'll be you.

 **Simmons** : Why me?

"Because you're the only one wearing something dark." Yang pointed out, "Sure, it doesn't really help with the grey, blue and green scenery but close enough, right?"

 **Sarge** : I don't think Grif could possibly figure out how electricity works. I'm not even certain he knows what it is.

 **Grif** : The man's right. I have no idea.

 **Simmons** :  _(sighs)_  Whatever.

 **Grif** : No, seriously, I have no idea. I always thought it was some kind of invisible magic.

"Okay, no one is  _that_ dumb." Weiss said,

"Yeah!" Ruby called out, "Because everyone knows electricity comes from invisible Dust!"

"Yeah!" Blake exclaimed, until she realized what Ruby just said, "Wait, what did you say?"

"Um, electricity comes from invisible Dust? It's common knowledge." Ruby said as though it was a fact. The rest of the team… didn't know how to respond to that. They decided to leave it at that and continue watching (AN: A suggestion from the Paragon of Awesomeness! Awesome name by the way!)

 **Simmons** : Shut up.

_Simmons leaves_

**Sarge** : Oh, and see if you can figure out what they've been up to over there. They've been pretty quite lately.

"There's only one guy in the entire base!" Yang exclaimed, "Though, I'm stilling wondering what the hell Caboose is doing with Tex's body and the Epsilon unit."

"Yeah, it is rather strange, even for Caboose." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons** : Fine.

 **Grif** : Okay, great. Now that he's gone, how about we enjoy some "us time." Kick back, make some margaritas.

"I still don't think they should have alcohol in the army." Weiss quickly said.

 **Sarge** : Grif, I need you up on top of the base. See if you can figure out why ours isn't firing that blue bolt-a-ma-jiggy.

"Uh… maybe because the base doesn't have power?" Yang guessed, "Hell, it could be a distress beacon that's still online."

"A fat man climbing a tower will not end well." Ruby muttered as shook her head.

 **Grif** : ( _gulps_ ) You mean, up there by that airlift and the flag?

 **Sarge** : No, I mean on top.

_Fade to black_

**Grif** : Um, do we have a ladder?

"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say they don't." Weiss said,

"Especially one that's about a 1000 feet long." Yang added.

 **Sarge** : Oh, sure, an eight-hundred-foot ladder? Of course not, you idiot! Now get to shimmyin'.

"Well, it looks like it's going to be a Mini-Series about the Reds." Ruby stated, "After having Season 6 being mainly about the Blues, I'm guessing the creators wanted to focus on the Reds just to balance it out." Yang sighed in response,

"Oh, this is going to be a long Mini-Series." The Blonde muttered,

"You know, all of this would be much more tolerable if Zwei was here." Weiss said,

"I'm not sure…" Blake muttered, "I… hold, wait."

"What's wrong Pussy Cat?" Yang asked,

"If you guys had Zwei, where did Terra-chan come from?" The Faunus asked. Yang ran through her memories and chuckled a little,

"Oh, right. Well, Terra-chan was  _before_ Zwei. Dad gave in to getting a puppy when Ruby started creeping everyone out with her back home."

"And why didn't she, um… put her down?" Weiss asked as she glanced at Ruby, who was hugging her pet rock,

"Uh… yeah… you don't wanna know." And with that, Weiss picked up the remote and pressed play (AN: Based on Epsilon246's joke!)

**(Part 2wo)**

_Fade in to Simmons running up a cliff to look at Blue Base_

_Radio sounds_

**Simmons** : Come in, Sarge, come in.

_Camera zooms in on Simmons and fades in to his HUD point of view._

**Simmons** : I can see Blue Base but there's no one around.

"That's because there's only one guy running Blue Base! Church is fucking dead for real this time, Sister is still in Blood Gulch and Tucker's somewhere in a desert fighting a war! He's the last known Blood Gulch Blue left!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Simmons:** There's some kind of light and it looks like somebody's working on somethin'.

"We're gonna have to wait for Season 7, aren't we?" Weiss muttered, "What was the Phase for that again?"

"Girl Ruby, if I remember correctly." Blake answered.

 **Simmons:** I'll have a look closer and see if I can find anyone but I don't think that there-

_Caboose pops up into Simmons' view._

"Okay!" Yang exclaimed as the team jumped a little, "On a side note, wow! Caboose is fucking fast."

"And pretty goddamn stealthy." Her little sister added, until she realized something, "Hey, do you think Caboose has the potential to be the next Meta since he had Church, Tex, Delta and Omega in his head?"

"That's highly unlikely." Blake said, "Caboose may be an idiot, but he's not insane. And I'm pretty sure he cares more about cookies than power."

 **Caboose** : Hello!

 **Simmons** : Jesus! Don't do that!

"You almost gave the nerd a heart attack." Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : Hey Simmons. Uh, were you guys coming to attack me? Uh, because I'm kinda busy right now. Do you think you could attack me later maybe like uh, like next week?

"…Okay, that's extremely suspicious." Yang said as she rubbed her chin in thought, "What the hell is Caboose actually doing? Why is he being so secretive?"

 **Simmons** : We're not attacking you, I'm just coming over to spy on you.

"And you're not doing a very good job at it since you just revealed what you were doing to the enemy." Ruby said, "If they can call each other enemies at this point."

 **Caboose** : Oh, awesome.

 **Simmons** : And figure out how you got your power turned on.

 **Caboose** : Oh, you mean the invisible magic, yeah.

"I, I have no words." Blake said as she shook her head as she realized how much of a dumbass Grif was, "How did he get into the army again?"

 **Caboose:** Uh, you know it was already on when I got here. Very convenient.

"That makes sense. He'd probably fry himself if he tried to turn it back on himself." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons** : And I'm also trying to figure out what you're doing.

 **Caboose** : Doing? Nothing. There's no reason to do anything. Why would I be doing something? I wouldn't, that's why. So I'm not.

"Okay, something is definitely up." Weiss said as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Simmons** : If you're not doing anything then why are you too busy?

 **Caboose** : What?

"Busted~" Yang sang out.

 **Simmons** : You just said we couldn't attack you right now because you were too busy.

 **Caboose** : ...I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

 **Simmons** : Why? You  _are_  doing something, aren't you?

"Isn't that obvious?" Ruby asked rhetorically, "Caboose, what are you hiding?"

 **Caboose** : Ah- Simmons, stop being nosy. Do you want to lose all your spying privileges?

"Because you don't want that to happen." Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

_Cut to Sarge yelling up at Grif, who's climbing the tower on top of Red Base_

**Sarge** : Come on, Grif! Hurry it up!

 **Grif** : Hey, don't rush me! This is high! Shouldn't I have on safety gear or something?

 **Sarge** : You have armor, numb nuts! That's like having a helmet for your whole body. So stop complaining.

"Um, I don't think armour will help when you fall and destroy all your bones." Ruby said, "And isn't Grif already wearing a helmet?"

"Hey, that's the closest thing Grif will ever get to having safety equipment." Blake replied.

 **Grif** : No, I mean, shouldn't there be like a safety rope, or at least some railings?

 **Sarge** : Grif, use yer head! If we had a rope tied up there already, you could just climb up the rope! Stop askin' dumb questions.

"Stop using dumb answers then!" Yang called out before whispering to, "That is a dumb answer, right?" Weiss thought about before nodding, "Thanks."

_Simmons returns_

**Simmons** : Hey, Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, what did you find out?

"Apart from knowing that Caboose has a secret project, nothing they can really use to turn the power back on." Blake answered.

 **Simmons** : Well, I know their base isn't running on brain power.

 **Sarge** : Excellent, that means Grif can still be used as fuel once we get the generators turned on.

"Insert comment about fat being used for fuel here." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons** : Caboose has no idea how their power works. He said it was already on when he got there.

 **Sarge** : Huh, favoritism. Command always did like them best.

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence." Ruby groaned, "First, it was luck the Valhalla Blues left their power on. Two, Command doesn't really have favourites. Three, you deleted the Blues from Command, so they probably don't have knowledge that the Valhalla Blue Base even exists."

 **Simmons** : He said he'd run us an extension cord if we could find one long enough.

"How much would that length of extension cord would cost? 500, 1000 Lien?" Weiss guessed, "And long would it be? You gotta know your math."

 **Sarge** : No way, not falling for that.

 **Simmons** : Ha, I had a feeling you wouldn't.

 **Sarge** : He'd choose just the right moment to cut us off from a valuable resource!

"My guess is Caboose is going to trip on the extension cord while he's doing something and rip the plug out of the socket." Blake said flatly, "That bastard…"

 **Simmons** : A resource we don't even have access to, to begin with!

 **Sarge** : That's exactly right. He wants to soften us up, and then yank the carpet out from under our feet! No way.

"Plus, I bet the Blue Base electricity bill will go off the roof." Yang said.

 **Sarge:** Besides, Grif's on his way to figuring out this problem as we speak. Heh heh.

 **Simmons** : Where is he, anyway?

 **Sarge** : Up there.

 **Simmons** : Wh-what? What's he doing up there?

"Well, I can tell you it isn't exactly for the view." Ruby said.

 **Grif** : Help me Simmooons!

 **Sarge** : I think that blue bolt has something to do with the power and ours isn't working.

"I don't really get why there are blue bolts shooting out of the bases. It could be a hazard." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Jesus Chrihihihist!

 **Simmons** : So why didn't you climb up there?

 **Sarge** : Me? Afraid of heights. I mean allergic.

"Yeah, like how men are always saying that they get something in their eye while watching a romantic movie." Blake said before she chuckled to herself, remembering seeing Sun doing some very un-manly things during an outing.

 **Grif** : Everyone's afraid of heights!

"Except for everyone in Beacon apart from Jaune." Yang quickly added.

 **Simmons** : You have a fear of heights? Didn't you used to jump out of ships in high orbit during the war?

"Wait, WHAT!?" The RWBYs shouted,

"Sarge was actually part of a war!?" Ruby exclaimed, "As in, the same Great War the Director and the Chairman were talking about!?"

"Also, Sarge was an ODST!?" Weiss yelled,

"Ye-wait, huh?" Blake said as she looked at the Heiress, "What did you just say?"

"ODST. Orbital Drop Shock Trooper. Go read it up on the Halo wiki." Weiss answered as she shook her head, ashamed at the cat Faunus.

 **Sarge** : And how do you think I developed that fear? That shit was crazy.

 **Grif** : There's a bird up here fucking with me!

The RWBYs scoffed as they heard Grif say that, 'Pussy.' they thought,

"Pfft! Come on Grif, getting attacked by a bird was so last year." Ruby said (AN: From MASTER-OF-SURPRISE!)

 **Sarge** : Quit makin' friends and get up there!

 **Grif** : Shoo, shoo!

 **Simmons** : Sarge, why didn't you just let him use the ladder?

"Wait, they actually have a ladder?" Yang asked.

_Camera cuts to an extremely tall ladder next to a cliff_

"Does that answer your question, Yang?" Blake said in a deadpanned tone as the girls stared at the ridiculously long ladder,

"How the  _fuck_  did he miss that!?" Ruby exclaimed.

"Oh the bright side, at least Grif got some exercise." Weiss muttered

 **Sarge** : Oh right. I guess we didn't see that before he started up. My bad.

 **Grif** : Goddammit!

"Wow, I guess Sarge hates Grif so much he causes Grif misery subconsciously." Blake commented, "…Why doesn't he shoot him already instead of finding excuses to?"

"Another one of life's greatest mysteries." Yang answered.

_Cuts over to Caboose watching Simmons and Sarge_

"Counter-spying, I see…" Weiss muttered, "What's so big about this project Caboose is working on that makes him all secretive?"

 **Simmons** : How could you miss something that big?

"That's what I said!" Ruby shouted as she leaned back.

 **Sarge** : Well, what can I say, Simmons. I guess you're a bit more observant than the rest of us.

"Well, no fucking kidding, dude." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : No kidding.

_Caboose then starts moving down towards the downed ship_

"Well, whatever Caboose is doing, it involves parts of the ship or Sheila's help." Blake guessed.

_Moves up to Grif on top of the base's giant spike_

**Grif** : Okay, I made it! I'm at the top!

"Okay, gotta admit that's pretty impressive." Weiss admitted.

 **Sarge** : Whaddaya see?

 **Grif** : What!?

 **Sarge** : What do you see?

 **Grif** : What do I see!? I see everything! Because I'm at the top of the fucking world!

"Yeah! From Red Base, to Blue Base, to that weird wall that's there for some reason. Living the dream, my friend." Yang said in mock excitement.

 **Sarge** : Can you see the port where to bolt comes out?

 **Grif** : Yeah, it's right here! But I think it's blocked!

"Well, that explains why it isn't shooting anything out like Blue Base." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : What?

 **Grif** : It's blocked!

 **Sarge** : What's blocking it?

 **Grif** : It looks like a bunch of pieces of a ship.

"Ew…" Team RWBY grimaced, mishearing what Grif had just said.

 **Sarge** : ... That's disgusting. Who would climb all that way up there just to do that?

 **Grif** : I said ship-puh!

"Oh, well that's far less disgusting." Blake said with the others agreeing.

 **Sarge** : Oh right.

 **Simmons** : What kind of ship is it?

"Is that really important right now!?" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Grif** : How the fuck should I know? It's in a million pieces! What difference does it make?

"Plus, he isn't exactly a ship expert." Yang added in a deadpanned tone.

 **Simmons** : Sorry! I'm just naturally curious.

 **Grif** : I'm gonna spit on you Simmons!

 **Sarge** : What do you think, Simmons?

 **Simmons** : Mm, it's really hard to say without seeing it, but I guess he could try to clear the blockage. I'm a little concerned though. If he clears it and that bolt goes off, it could kill him.

 **Sarge** : That's an excellent thought. And what was the concern you said you had?

"Seriously, Simmons, you should know him better by now." Weiss said with a sigh (AN: From Iron-Mantis! Changed one sentence because I didn't fully understand what it said or what it meant).

 **Simmons** : ( _sigh_ s) Nothing Sir.

 **Sarge** : Alright then, let's get crackin'. Kill two birds with one stone. But I'd settle for one bird and a Grif. Heh heh.

_Bird caw_

**Grif** : I said shoo! You stupid fucking bird!

"Oh, birdie no…" Ruby groaned, "Alright, two episodes left. Let's hurry up and finish them before we check up on how team JNPRs is coming with our rescue." Everyone nodded at Ruby as Blake picked up the remote,

"So, any bets on Grif falling?" Yang asked,

"+Oh come on, we all know he's gonna fall." Weiss said,

"Yeah… you're right." And with that, Blake pressed play.

**(Part 3hree)**

_Tilt up to Grif on top of New Red Base_

**Sarge** : Grif, we're gonna need you to clear that blockage.

 **Grif** : How? These pieces are huge! How am I supposed to lift them?

"Uh… call your new Command and get them to fix it? They did give the base to them." Blake suggested,

"Yeah, but that would involve paperwork, faxes and a waiting period and no one likes those." Ruby said. Blake couldn't help but shake her head at her Leader's laziness.

 **Sarge** : Well, they say people in emotional situations can sometimes get super-human strength.

"Didn't Sarge say that while trying to figure out ways on how to lift the ship off Donut?" Yang asked, "Because that didn't work."

 **Grif** : Yeah? Well, what about people in situations where they really don't give a fuck? What kind of powers do they get?

"The power of apathy." Weiss answered as she started filing her nails.

 **Sarge** : Grif!

 **Simmons** : If you can't lift it, just try clearing it with a grenade.

 **Grif** : Um, is that safe?

"No, but it is the only solution they have." Blake said, "Plus, Grif's armour is supposed to absorb explosions so he should be fine."

"Unless the explosion blows him off the tower." Yang added.

 **Simmons** : None of this is safe. You're gonna start analyzing now?

 **Sarge** : Here, Grif, take one of mine.

_Sarge throws a grenade at Grif and misses. The grenade explodes._

"Okay, was Sarge aiming for the blockage or Grif?" Weiss asked before shaking her head, "You know what, I'm just gonna assume it was Grif."

 **Simmons** : Sarge, you pulled the pin out.

"He knows Simmons. He knows." Ruby said, completely unfazed about Sarge pulling the pin.

 **Sarge** : Of course I did. Who throws a grenade with the pin still in?

"People who aren't you." Weiss answered.

 **Sarge:** Hey, Grif, catch this one.

_Sarge throws another grenade at Grif and misses._

**Grif** : No! I'm not catching those.

"He probably pulled the pin out of that one as well." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : Dammit, I can't reach.

_The grenade rolls down the side of the base and explodes close to Sarge and Simmons_

"Oh! Come on, you could've hurt someone with that!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : Aah! Cut it out!

 **Grif** : Yeah! Let me get back to work up here.

"Yeah, he probably has grenades on him." Ruby muttered.

_A rocket flies past Grif_

**Sarge** : Did ya' catch that one?

"WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOOT HIM!?" The RWBYs shouted.

 **Grif** : Okay, here we go. ( _Throws grenade_ ) Oh shit! Where do I go when the grenade is...

_An enormous explosion throws Grif into the air._

"Well, at least that's fixed." Yang said as the girls stared at the explosion,

"At the sacrifice of Grif's bones and/or blood and/or life." Blake added.

_Debris rains down on Simmons and Sarge._

**Simmons** : Oh no, he's falling.

"Well, no shit, Sherlock!" Ruby called out.

 **Sarge** : I see that!

 **Simmons** : Should we try to catch him?

 **Sarge** : Catch him? Hell no. He'll crush us.

 **Simmons** : What do we do?

 **Sarge** : I got a good idea. Let's act like we're gonna catch him, then we don't. It's a win-win.

"Oh c'mon Sarge, don't be a dick to a guy falling to his doom." Yang said,

"Even though he's a fat, last bastard." Blake added quietly,

"Um, shouldn't he have hit the ground by now?" Ruby asked, but received no answer.

 **Simmons** : You used to jump out of ships. Give him some advice!

 **Sarge** : Oh, right. Grif, you should never join that unit! The pay is terrible and the officer is totally disorganized!

"Not really the best advice right now Sarge!" Weiss exclaimed, "But I'll make a mental note!"

 **Simmons** : Advice on how to land!

 **Sarge** : Oh, right. Grif, what you wanna do is...

_After an incredible amount of screaming, Grif hits the ground. Regardless, Sarge continues to talk._

**Sarge** : ...Try to tuck and roll at the last second. That will transfer your momentum to inertia, and invert your ker-splat probability.

"A little too late with the advice, old man." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons** : Hey, Sarge?

 **Sarge** : Yeah?

 **Simmons** : I think he's down already.

"No shit." The RWBYs said.

 **Sarge** : Oh, right.

 **Grif** : Owwww...

"Well, look on the bright side Grif. At least you weren't knocked out by two guys you failed to punch due to weak body strength." Weiss said,

"Hey, I only failed at that because I had nothing to slow me down from  _falling seven stories_ , which extremely weaken my Aura!" Ruby defended herself, "…Plus I think that jerk had a defensive Semblance or something."

"Sure…"

"Oh, don't you fucking patronize me." (AN: From snake screamer!).

 **Sarge** : ( _laughs_ ) Simmons, you are observant!

_Cut to Caboose sneaking around the downed Pelican_

**Caboose** : There you are.

"This is getting weirder and weirder by the minute." Blake muttered.

_Cut back to the Reds_

**Sarge** : Hot ham and cheese, the power's back on.

"Good, now they can check up on Lopez and call Command now." Ruby said.

 **Simmons** : Um, I think Grif is broken, Sir.

 **Sarge** : Sad. I always thought I would be the cause of Grif's death. Ah well fuck it.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, fuck it.

"Like I said, the power of apathy." Weiss said before sighing, "God, I feel sorry for Grif…"

 **Sarge** : Let's call Lopez, and tell him we've got power. Robots love that stuff.

 **Simmons** : And oil.

 **Sarge** : Stop helping me.

"And maybe start helping your horribly injured teammate." Blake added.

_Radio sounds_

**Sarge** : Come in Lopez, señor Lopez, come in. This is Sergeant-

 **Lopez** : Hola. Esta es Barranco de la Sangre. Discurso de Lopez.  
**Caption** :  _Hello? This is Blood Gulch Canyon, Lopez speaking._

Blake sighed as she remembered she couldn't translate or speak other languages. It made her feel bad, "What is Sarge's real name anyway?" Yang asked, "What, is his real name actually Sarge?"

"Like anyone is crazy enough to name their child 'Sarge'." Ruby scoffed.

 **Sarge** : Lopez, it's Sarge. Que paso. Whatya doin'? ...Lopez?

"I think Lopez just realized who he's talking to." Weiss said, "And he was having such a good time at Blood Gulch."

 **Lopez** : Uh, Me disculpo, no puedo utilizar el teléfono. Deja por favor un mensaje...  
**Caption** :  _Uhhh... Sorry I couldn't come to the phone. Please leave me a message and I'll.._.

 **Sarge** : Eh, heh heh. Lopez, you old kidder. Cut it out.

"OH COME FUCKING ON!" Blake shouted, "Fucking  _Sarge_ can understand Lopez's bad Spanish and I can't!? What the actual fuck!? WHY!? FUCKING WHY!?" The Cat Faunus then proceeded to bang her head on the table and started sobbing, "I blame Noire…"

"We blame her. We all do." Yang said in a comforting voice as Ruby hugged Blake.

 **Lopez** : ...le llamaré des tras.  
**Caption** :  _...call you back as soon as I am able._

 **Sarge** : Haha, seriously program, disable lying mode voice verification Bravo niner.

"How is Sarge even understanding Lopez? I mean, did he finally install a translator or some shit into his helmet? Because if he did, that has to be the smartest thing he's ever done in the series." Weiss admitted.

 **Lopez** : Commando acceptado.  
**Caption** :  _COMMAND ACCEPTED..._

 **Lopez** : ¿Qué usted tiene?  
**Caption** :  _OK. What do you want?_

 **Sarge** : I need you at the new base on the double.

 **Lopez** : ¿Por qué?  
**Caption** :  _Why?_

"You know, the usual crap. Probably something ridiculous or something Sarge doesn't want to do." Ruby answered.

 **Sarge** : We got power. Need your help building something awesome. You busy?

 **Lopez** : No. Acabo de matar a esa muchacha encima a la Base Azul.  
**Caption** :  _Actually. Not really. I just killed that girl over at Blue Base. So I'm all wrapped up here._

 **Lopez** : Ganamos a propósito.  
**Caption** :  _We won by the way._

"Fucking yay. Woo. Red Army forever. Suck it, Blue." Yang said in a flat voice, a little bit upset that the Blues lost Blood Gul-, "Wait, what did Lopez just say?"

 **Sarge** : Great! Hey Simmons, we won Blood Gulch.

 **Simmons** : Oh, cool. Suck it Blue.

"He doesn't sound too happy about it." Ruby muttered, before she realized what Lopez said before, "Hold on, Lopez did  _what_?"

 **Sarge** : Oh, and tell Grif his sister's dead.

 **Simmons** : Yes sir!

 **Simmons** (& RWBY): Wait, what?

"Huh. You know, I don't feel all that angry or sad for some reason. I'm actually kinda happy actually." Ruby admitted, "I-I'm a horrible person."

"You know, I don't care about Sister. Or that she died. Or that she was Grif's sister. At all. Really." Weiss said, "I'm going to Hell…"

"This is… underwhelming." Blake muttered, "I-I thought I'd react… more emotionally but I feel nothing." She then sighed, "Welp, I'll see you in Hell, Weiss."

"YES! OH, I AM NOT SISTER ANYMORE SINCE THE BITCH IS DEAD! WOO!" Yang cheered as she danced before sitting back on the couch, "Oh… my ass is so getting haunted."

"Yeah…" RWB said as they sighed, "You're still Sister to us, Sister."

"FUCK!"

 **Lopez** : OK. Estoy viniendo.  
**Caption** :  _OK I guess I can be right there._

 **Sarge** : Great, we'll see you soon. I'll forward you some blueprints of what we've been workin' on.

_Grif wakes up and moans_

**Grif** : ( _weakly_ ) What happened?

"Nothing much actually apart from your sister dying, which we have no attachment to." Ruby answered.

 **Sarge** : Grif, you're awake, good. Lopez is coming here, I need you to stay out of the way.

 **Grif** : Uh, can do.

"He probably can't walk for a few weeks anyway." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, you check the base, make sure everything is online. Lopez is going to need all the power he can get.

 **Simmons** : On it sir.

 **Sarge** : Lopez, you get in the base, start workin' on the plans I sent you.

 **Lopez** : Sí.

"Holy shit!" Weiss exclaimed, "Fuck, I know he's a robot but hell, making it to Valhalla from Blood Gulch should've taken him a few days at least!"

"The power of a machine is unlimited." Blake muttered, "Unless it runs out of power."

 **Simmons** : Wow, he got here fast!

"Even faster than Ruby!" Yang said, only to get a glare from her little sister, "Okay, you have to admit Lopez is faster than you."

"NEVER!" Ruby shouted before muttering, "Stupid robotic speed…"

 **Sarge** : Oh and uh, Grif, one more thing. You might wanna sit down.

 **Grif** : I can't sit, I think both my kneecaps are shattered.

 **Sarge** : Oh, well in that case, Simmons, you'd better be prepared to catch him. He'll probably faint when I tell him his sister's dead.

"Way to set him down easy, Sarge." Blake said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif** : My sister is dead?

 **Sarge** : Oh, you already know! Good. I was worried 'bout how to break the news to you. That could've been awkward.

"It's already awkward!" Yang called out.

 **Grif** : No way. Not true.

"Huh? What does he mean 'not true'!?" Weiss exclaimed, "But wasn't he depressed when he thought Sister was disintegrated?"

"That was because he saw Sister's armour on the floor. He needs evidence before he can believe it." Ruby guessed.

 **Sarge** : Lopez told us himself.

 **Grif** : Yeah right.

 **Simmons** : You don't believe it?

 **Grif** : I'll tell you what, you produce a corpse, I'll believe it.

"See? I'm right." Ruby said a bit smugly.

 **Simmons** : Huh?

 **Grif** : Listen, once when we were kids, we went ice skating, and she fell through the ice. She was under there for three hours, and when they pulled her out, not only was she still alive, she was pregnant.

"Wait, WHAT!?" The RWBYs shouted out,

"Three fucking hours in freezing water and she's  _still alive_. Holy crap…" Weiss muttered,

"How did she get pregnant anyway!? She should've been, what? Ten, twelve years old? And who the fuck did she fuck!? A squid or some shit!?" Yang exclaimed, "How is that all physically possible!?"

"Another one of life's greatest mysteries." Blake answered.

 **Grif:** If you can explain that to me, I'll believe you when you tell me she's dead.

 **Sarge** : Hhhh, I wouldn't even know how to-

 **Lopez** : Hecho.  
**Caption** :  _Done._

"God damn it, Lopez!" Ruby shouted, "No one is that fucking fast!"

 **Sarge** : Hot damn, Lopez is done already. Did you finish the-

 **Lopez** : Sí.  
**Caption** :  _Yes._

 **Sarge** : Well what about the-

 **Lopez** : Sí.  
**Caption** :  _Yes_.

 **Sarge** : And also the-

"He's fucking done Sarge. He did fucking everything." Ruby growled, sounding like she was insulted.

 **Lopez** : Me hacen. Esa significa que hice todo.  
**Caption** :  _I am done. That means I did everything._

 **Sarge** : Caliente daminito, let's go check it out.

 **Lopez** : Está aqui.  
**Caption** :  _It's over here._

_They enter an elevator which will prove to take quite a while to get where it's going_

"So, he managed to build an elevator and whatever the fuck Sarge wanted Lopez to build in under 20 seconds." Yang said, "I'm gonna say this again but how is that physically possible?"

"Like you said Yang: The Reds and Blues of Blood Gulch, amazing the sane every day." Weiss answered.

 **Lopez** : Prensa abajo  
**Caption** :  _Just hit the down button._

 **Grif** : You installed an elevator?

 **Lopez** : Por supuesto. Introduzco su código. Ponga su mano allí. Dé vuelta a esa rueda.  
**Caption** :  _Of course. Now enter your personalized key code. Put your hand on the scanner. Now turn that crank._

"I'm even gonna think about how Lopez does all this…" Blake whispered as she rubbed her skull.

 **Sarge** : Which one, this one?

 **Lopez** : No. La rueda media.  
**Caption** :  _No. The third one down. Fifth one over._

 **Sarge** : Ah, okay.

 **Grif** : How did he build all of this?

 **Sarge** : I told ya, he just needed power tools.

"Is there an actual scientist we know that can actually explain how Lopez is able to build everything?" Weiss asked,

"Uh… Professor Oobleck?" Ruby suggested,

"One, he teaches history. And two, we're not having Caboose help us."

"Oh well, I got nothing." And with that, the girls collectively sighed as they gave up trying to get a reasonable explanation about how Lopez was able to build everything, "…It could be clones."

"Shut up Ruby."

 **Lopez** : Prense su botón cuando empujo los míos.  
**Caption** :  _Now, push your button when I push mine._

 **Sarge** : At the same time?

"I'm guessing." Blake said.

 **Lopez** : Sí.  
**Caption** :  _Yes._

 **Sarge** : You wanna do it like on three or like, three and then go?

 **Lopez** : ¡Apenas agarro! **  
Caption** :  ** _Just push it!_**

"Alright, alright. Don't get mad. Yeash." Yang muttered as she scratched the back of her head.

 **Sarge** : Okay.

 **Lopez** : Esto es el.  
**Caption** :  _Here we are._

_They exit the elevator and walk to a large empty room_

"Oh." (Ruby)

"My." (Weiss)

"Motherfucking." (Blake)

"God." (Yang)

 **Grif** : What the fuck?

 **Simmons** : What the hell is all this?

 **Sarge** : As you know, I've been working on developing a new version of our Warthog. So I had Lopez here build an underground holographically powered simulation room. This is going to allow us, to test the final concepts of my car design. Now check it.

_A blue grid appears on the floor, then a Warthog appears above it, and then the grid disappears._

"Gotta admit, that's pretty fucking awesome." Blake admitted.

 **Grif** : Okay. Now that was pretty cool.

 **Sarge** : Thank you.

 **Simmons** : Hey wait a second, so you built an entire chamber, capable of running holographic simulations, rather than just build the car itself? That doesn't seem very efficient to me.

"Yes, but at least you have something for the future to use and maybe even have actual training simulations." Weiss pointed out before sighing, "I have to admit, I'm jealous that Sarge was able to make a blueprint of something this… advanced. He may be an idiot but he can be fucking genius sometimes."

 **Sarge** : Simmons, sometimes you just gotta go for style points. Hoo-ah.

Before anyone could talk, Yang picked up the remote, said something along the lines of "No more bullshit, let's get this over with. Time to finish Red vs Blue: Relocated." and pressed play.

**(Part 4our)**

_Sarge drives up in jeep, gets out_

"Not even gonna question how Sarge can drive a holo-jeep." Yang groaned.

 **Sarge** : Now this is more like it! Great job on the simulator, Lopez; Good work on the power, Simmons.

"Oh no, not this again…" Ruby groaned.

 **Simmons** : Thank you, sir!

 **Grif** : Simmons?! I'm the one that was almost killed just so you could get the electricity back on.

 **Sarge** : Yep, but it was worth it.

"Like every other plan that involves Grif's death." Blake said.

 **Grif** : You say that every time I'm almost killed.

_Flashback to Halo: CE Sarge, Simmons runs up_

**Simmons** : Sarge! Grif was spying on the Blues and they captured him!

"Wait, was this before the Blood Gulch Chronicles or was it during?" Yang asked,

"Probably before the Chronicles." Weiss answered.

 **Sarge** : What'd he find out? Are they planning something?

 **Simmons** : No, they were standing around talking, like always. But now they're gonna kill him!

"Oh come on, Flowers wasn't ruthless. He'd probably just ask for information and send him back to Red Base." Ruby said.

 **Sarge** : Well, it was worth it.

_Flash to Halo 2 Sarge and Simmons talking_

**Sarge** : The base looks so clean Simmons! Excellent work.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, too bad Grif was almost killed by his allergic reaction to the cleaning supplies.

_Pan to Grif laying pool of blood_

"Um, they're probably gonna need to clean up the blood too…" Yang said as she rubbed the back of her neck, "What is in those cleaning supplies anyway?"

 **Sarge** : It was worth it!

_Flash to Sarge and Simmons standing, with Grif on floor between them and on fire_

"Let me guess, it was worth it isn't it." Weiss said tonelessly, "Though, I am curious how Grif caught on fire."

 **Sarge** : Worth it.

_Flash to present_

**Sarge** : Only because it's always true. There's very few tasks that wouldn't balance out by you making the ultimate sacrifice.

"The cleaning one doesn't need a sacrifice! Just better cleaning supplies that won't kill anyone!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : At least this time we got something out of it. We got power, and a new weapon!

"That's kinda useless now that I think about it." Yang added.

 **Sarge** : Let's test this bad boy out.

_Sarge mounts the turret of Warthog, and points it at Grif_

**Grif** : Whoa, wait a second. Does this hologram jeep shoot hologram slugs, or real slugs?

"Well, considering that Sarge can drive a hologram of a jeep, I'm pretty sure that it will shoot holo-slugs, but will feel like you're getting destroyed by the real thing." Weiss said, "The magic of science, people!"

 **Sarge** : As long as we are in this room, everything will seem real to us. It's all simulated, but your mind makes it real.

 **Simmons** : Ooh, like the Matrix!

"Except with less sense!" Blake quickly added.

 **Lopez** : Si, sin toda la filosofía del esde.  
**_Caption_** _: Right, but without all the Eastern philosophy stuff that no one understands._

"What? Really? That was in there? I wasn't really paying attention to that Neo was shooting people in slow motion." Ruby admitted.

 **Grif** : Alright, fuck this. I'm going to stand over there.

 **Sarge** : Guess what, dirtbag? I don't need you for target practice anymore. I've got my own holo-Grif programmed into the system already.

"Seriously. He's right there. You have a bigger gun than him. You can end your annoyance right now if you just pull the damn trigger." Yang almost begged, "Come on man! You've literally have had millions of chances to kill Grif! Why don't you fucking finish the job!?" The team thought about it for a few second but couldn't find an answer.

_Lopez makes a holo-Grif_

**Holo-Grif** : Hello! I am literally the worst program ever made!

 **Simmons** : Sounds like someone hasn't used Google Chrome...

"GOOGLE CHROME ROCKS!" The RWBYs yelled out, "YOU ARE THE WORST PROGRAM EVER!" (AN: I'm not paid to write that)

 **Sarge** : Locked and loaded, ready to fire at the bloated. Grif... I mean fake Grif... go stand over there.

 **Holo-Grif** : Cool. Whatever.

"If Grif was actually that loyal…" Weiss muttered.

_Holo-Grif runs to center of room_

**Sarge** : This is a magnetized propulsion system. It can fire massive slugs at an outrageous velocity! Check it out.

_Sarge fires, killing holo-Grif and stalling out the Warthog's engine._

"I have to admit, Sarge's weapon could be very effective against other vehicles if used right but the problem is the engine cutting out. They would be sitting ducks until the engine restarts and they have to make sure every shot counts." Ruby analyzed, "But that's only from what I can see now. We'll just have to see how the new jeep goes in a real battle."

 **Holo-Grif** :  _(flying as corpse)_  Blarg! I deserve it!

_Another figure is seen, standing where holo-Grif was_

"What? Who's that?" Blake muttered to herself.

 **Sarge** : Heh heh. See? How awesome is that?

 **Simmons** : Wow!

 **Sarge** : And in 10 short seconds, it will be ready to fire again.

"Ugh, that's enough time for the enemy to slaughter you." Yang said, "The weapon is good, but until they figure out how to improve the fire rate, they're fucked."

 **Simmons** : That's incredible. Wait a minute.

 **Sarge** : Lopez, spawn me another holo-Grif on the pronto.

 **Lopez** : Si.

 **Grif** : Did you guys see that?

"Yeah. I did." Blake muttered, "Who was that? And how did that person get into Red Base?"

 **Sarge** : Shut up real-Grif! We're doing important research over here! Hey Simmons, check this out: I'm gonna shoot the next one in the hoo-hoo.

_Another Grif spawns_

"Prepare to kiss your virtual balls good-bye!" Yang exclaimed, "…Did that sound wrong to anyone?" The others shook their heads. Yang then gave a sigh of relief, 'Oh thank goodness.' The Fiery Blonde thought.

 **Holo-Grif** : Oh, hey guys. What's goin-

_Sarge fires_

_Cut to Blue base. Caboose amid bits of equipment_

**Caboose** :  _(Creepily)_  Finally we're all here. Now we can be together... forever.

The girls shivered as they saw the scene. They thought whatever the fuck the Idiot Blue was doing, it wasn't good. For all they know, Epsilon was as much in danger as it was with the E.M.P (or emp as some people call it) and the Meta.

_Cut back to Red holo-room. A holo-Grif dies, adding to a pile of dead holo-Grifs_

**Sarge** : Alright. Lopez, another holo-Grif.

"Um, I think the new jeep is fine Sarge. No more testing, it works. You're wasting holographic bullets here." Yang said.

 **Lopez** : Esta cosa hase outras blancos  
**_Caption_** _: This thing makes other targets you know..._

 **Sarge** : Bah, let's stick with the fundamentals.

"How about shoot a Blue guy or something. You know, add variety to your fake dead enemies." Weiss suggested.

_Stalled jeep restarts_

**Simmons** : OK, Sarge. Do you mean to tell me this thing fires once every 10 seconds?

 **Sarge** : Yep. It's state of the art.

"Yep, it's state of the art piece of crap." Ruby muttered.

_Another holo-Grif spawns_

**Holo-Grif** : Let's get this over with...

"Even the Holo-Grifs are getting bored of Sarge's lack of variety." Blake said, "What a shocker."

 **Simmons** : But our last weapon fired 10,000 rounds per second.

 **Sarge** : If my math is right, and I think it is, that seems like more than this one.

"No, your math's wrong. Go back to school." Weiss said.

 **Simmons** : Yes, it is.

 **Sarge** : How much more would you say?

 **Simmons** : Well, the chaingun was 10,000 rounds per second, and this would be 0.1 of a round per second. So yeah, it was.

Yang quickly pulled out a calculator and did a quick equation, "And… yep, Simmons is right." She said,

"Why did you do that?" Ruby asked,

"Just making sure after the whole thing about Simmons being smart."

_Sarge fires again, killing holo-Grif and stalling jeep once more. Grif sees the figure_

**Sarge** : It does seem to be lacking in the rapid fire department.

"Well no shit." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : I know I'm not crazy. I just saw something move.

 **Sarge** : Oh well, a good craftsmen never blames his tools.

 **Simmons** : But, we made the tool in this case. Can we blame the craftsman?

"No, you blame Sarge. But if you're Sarge, Grif." Ruby answered.

 **Sarge** : No, Simmons. You and the gun are just going to to have to agree to disagree.

_Five holo-Grifs spawn, in a line_

**Simmons** : Let me take a look. Maybe I can increase the rate of fire.  _(mounts jeep and drives off)_

"Yeah, it's a good idea. The weapon has potential to be very devastating to anything and anyone. It's just that pulse knocking out the engine is the problem." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : And maybe Lopez can find a way to spawn Grifs faster

 **Lopez** : Hase outras blancos!  
**_Caption_** _: It makes other things!_

"Did Sarge really make the entire room just to murder Grif over and over again?" Weiss groaned, "Because that is just a waste of resources."

"Like Sarge hasn't wasted resources already." Yang pointed out.

 **Grif** : Guys, seriously. I know I saw something.  _(approaches line of holo-Grifs)_  Aha! See? This one is weird. It's all lightish-red instead of orange.

"Huh, must be a glitch." Ruby said, "Though, why out of all colors does it have to be light-ish red?"

 **Sarge** :  _(not looking)_  No Grif, I'm sure it isn't

 **Simmons** : You're probably still hallucinating from the charge you took.

 **Grif** : Yeah, I don't think so. Look!

 **Sarge** : Grif, we are busy! You and Donut shut up and stop distracting us.

"Wait, DONUT!?" Team RWBY shouted,

"Holy shit, how did he get to Red Base!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Who cares? I'm just glad to see Donut's alright." Weiss said as she breathed a sigh of relief.

 **Grif** : But I... Donut?!

 **Donut** : Water...

"Uh, I don't think Donut's alright." Ruby said, "The fuck, he sounds like he hasn't drunken anything in days."

"What happened to you Donut?" Blake asked.

 **Grif** : Eeyah! Donut?!

 **Simmons** : Donut?

 **Grif** : Where the hell did you come from?

 **Donut** : Water...

 **Grif** : You came from the water?

 **Donut** : Water!  _(collapses)_

"Donut!" The girls exclaimed with worry in their voices,

"Why isn't Grif getting him water!?" Weiss shouted, "Seriously! He could be dying from dehydration right now!"

"Damn it, we're not losing another Blood Gulcher!" Yang declared.

 **Grif** : I didn't even know you would swim

 **Donut** : Grif! He needs help! It's under... the sand... find him.

"Wait, 'under the sand'? That sounds… familiar…" Ruby muttered before the team collectively gasped,

"Tucker!" They exclaimed,

"Well, it sounds like they have another adventure afoot." Weiss said as she looked at everyone, "And I have a feeling this won't be as simple as saving Tucker from whatever situation he's in."

"Is anything ever simple?" Blake pointed out,

"Well, whatever it is, we'll inevitably be watching." Yang said, "And the insanity that comes with it."

"May God help our souls." Ruby prayed, "And our minds. Definitely our minds."

 **Grif** : Oh boy. That sounds like something that's gonna keep us busy for a few months.

_Sarge and Simmons approach_

**Sarge** : Holy mamma mia. Donut! Where's he been?

"In the desert helping Tucker apparently." Weiss answered.

 **Simmons** : Donut! Grif, what did he say?

 **Grif** : Hm? Who, him? Oh, uh, he just said he wanted some water.

"About… a week's worth of water from the sounds of it." Blake guessed.

 **Simmons** : That's it?

 **Grif** : Yeah, uh, just the water thing, uh, oh! Also that he really missed everyone.

"And probably that too." Ruby said.

 **Sarge** : Why don't I believe you?

 **Grif** : Um, he also said that he liked the new jeep.

_Fade to black_

**Sarge** : Hot damn! I always knew that kid had style.

"Mini-Series, done!" Ruby declared as she turned off the TV, "Well, that wasn't so bad!"

"Yeah! We actually didn't go insane this time!" Yang said, "Well, apart from Blake in the middle…"

"I'm still upset about losing my ability to understand other languages, alright!" The cat girl defended herself,

"Well, with that done, what do we wanna do now?" Weiss asked. Ruby smiled as she said this,

"How about a nice group hug?" Ruby suggested. The girls almost forgot that Ruby was in her Cuddle Phase quickly did what Ruby suggested. They sighed dreamily as they embraced each other. It was times like these that made them glad they were friends. Suddenly, Yang gasped a little,

"Hey, uh, Blake? You're kinda dipping a little there." Yang said. Blake's eyes snapped open as soon as she heard that,

"Yang. That's not me." Suddenly, a lot of mental glass shattered as they looked at the source of the moment breaker. She wore black, high heel boots, a black sweater that cut off right under her boobs, a bow that didn't cover her cat ears and black cargo shorts. Also, she had fangs poking out of her upper lips and hot pink eyes.

And looked almost exactly like Blake.

" _So… did I miss anything_?" Noire asked as the team just stared at Blake's other personality, " _Not very talkative much these days, huh? Well, maybe I should inform you that Ruby just fainted and yes, this is a real, flesh and blood body to anyone that's wondering. And Blake, I know you're gonna attack in about 20 seconds so can I explain myself before you do?_ "

"Wha-"

" _Yang, I never intended to take over Pussy's body, I just told you guys that to piss you off. It's detailed in my fucking plan! Here you go and read it."_  Noire then reached into her sweater and gave a copy to Yang, who re-read the thing.

**(Noire's Five Part Ultimate Plan)**

**Step 1: Get Blake pissed enough to force me out of her body by any means necessary.**

**Step 2: Make sure she gets Real Ruby out of Blake's body (to preserve her innocence somewhat) and back into hers for Recovery One.**

**Step 3: Turn in my favour.**

**Step 4: Write down that Professor Ozpin's Scroll is in his office ready to use and his password to his Scroll is AMENDS and that the number to escape Beacon is 555-851-715** (AN: Not real) **and give to the RWBYs.**

**Step 5: Laugh at dumbstruck faces. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU GUYS LOOK SO FUCKING STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

" _And I did everything. Step 1 I already explained. Step 2 is also self-explanatory. I already turned in my favour. You're getting rescued by me. And now to complete Step 5_." Noire then proceeded to laugh at everyone's dumbstruck faces, well, at least the ones that were actually conscious anyway, " _And Pussy, **now**  you can attack me_."

As Blake was happily thrown out the window, everyone, even the comatose Ruby, knew that it was going to be a very long, but very interesting summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	53. JNPR-All Fun and Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes, dialogue and songs come from the wiki.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Twas another peaceful, relaxing day at Beacon. The sun was… still behind clouds as a result of a very baffling blizzard in the middle of summer, causing the sky to go grey. It was dissipating, sure, but many in Vale assumed it was a freak weather thing or some shit and went about their day. Some, on other hand, thought it was the end of the world as they knew it, complete with all that fun stuff that happened in that 2012 movie.

*BOOM!*

They were half right. You see, it was not going to be the end of the world, but in Yang & Weiss' eyes it was going to be the end of Beacon if they didn't so something about the giant fucking war taking place in the middle of the school.

"They're still fighting!?" Weiss exclaimed as she stared at the battle out the window, "What th-how long has it been!?"

"I don't know, couple days maybe?" Yang guessed as she chewed on some popcorn, "You'd think they would stop to eat or something. This has been going on since Noire threw Pussy Cat out the window. You know, I think she's enjoying it now that I think about it."

" _I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE_!" The two heard Noire shout as she prepared for another assault from Blake,

"Wait, you're  _enjoy this_!?" Blake shouted out in disbelief,

" _Explosions, guns, two beautiful women fighting trying to kill each other and the possible use of slow-mo_?  _How can I not_!"

"You're insane!"

" _I'm not insane_!" Noire shouted as she pulled out a device out of nowhere and attached it to her left shoulder before turning it on, causing it to glow aqua. She pull out her weapon, a sword with a rapier-like guard and the blade replaced with a chain (she calls is "Cat's Tail"), activated the Fire Dust setting and charged at Blake, " _I'm fucking awesome_!"

"SHUT UP!" Blake yelled as she got a clone to take her place, letting it take the hit for her. Before she was able to launch a counter-attack, she saw that Noire was gone. Suddenly, she heard a strange noise behind her and quickly jumped out of the way, just in time to dodge Noire's punch. Blake's eyes widened when she saw that Noire's entire body had changed to look exactly like her, clothes and everything, except she was pitch black. From her skin to her eyes, she looked exactly like a shadow of herself,

" _Like the new Semblance_? _I call it Shadow Stalker_.  _I can copy your strength for at least a few seconds. Sure, maybe Copy-Cat might've suited my Semblance more but Shadow Stalker sounds better to me._ " Noire said smugly as the pure black skin burned away, turning her back to normal,

"God you're fucking annoying." Blake muttered before she charged at her 'twin',

"Are we… going to help Blake kill Noire anytime soon?" Weiss asked,

"DON'T HELP ME!" Blake answered from Weiss' Scroll, "I want to kill this bitch on my own!"

"And that answers that." Yang said before Weiss' watch started beeping, "You better go check on Ruby."

"No, I've been doing it for weeks now." Weiss said as she took away Yang's popcorn, "I think I deserve a break. You know the usual check-up procedure, but I left a note just in case you forget."

"Yes Weiss." Yang groaned, wanting to watch how the fight would end,

"And make sure Ruby eats her vegetables."

"Yes Weiss."

"And make doubly sure she gets her daily dose of fibre."

"Yes Weiss."

"And make sure to change her d-"

"Okay! I get it! Keep Ruby healthy and clean. I'll get right on that, mum." Yang said the last word mockingly as she left the dorm room. Weiss grinned as she went to watch the fight,

"I wonder how Team JNPR's doing." Weiss muttered as she ate popcorn, "I hope they're having luck with our rescue."

(With Team JNPR & Team RVIW)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GET TO VALE!?" Pyrrha shouted out in disbelief. Right now, the two teams were in an airport, trying to get a plane to Vale to save their friends before they would kill each other. And right now, the odds were not in their favour,

"I'm sorry madam, but all flights to Vale have been cancelled." The man at the desk before where you would enter the plane said,

"Why is that? Vale should be fine this time of year." Jaune pointed out,

"That's not what the weather reports are saying." The guy said as he looked up the current weather report for the city, "Says here any planes in and out of Vale are grounded due to some freak blizzard."

"Really!? In this heat!?" Jaune exclaimed,

"But it's summer." Penny stated, "There is no snow in summer."

"How is that even physically possible anyway?" Hiro asked,

"I'm sorry, but you either have to wait the 3 weeks for the weather to clear up or take the bus. The only way in and out of Vale is by car. And from here it could take as long as 4 to 5 weeks."

"But we have friends in Vale that need help!" Velvet spoke up,

"Unless your friends can control the weather, there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry, but that's life." The guy said. Suddenly, Pyrrha walked behind the guy's desk and held his cheek softly,

"I'm sure you'll figure something out." The Amazon said seductively, "You are strong, smart, han-"

"Here's all the money we have. Can you please just get us a plane?" Hiro interrupted Pyrrha's attempt at seducing the guy, which was disturbing everyone. Even Penny,

"Aw… I wanted to see if it worked." Sun joked, only to get elbowed by Jaune, "Kidding!"

"Yeah you were." Jaune muttered before he went to the desk as Pyrrha went back to the group, grumbling that she 'almost had him', "Can you please make an exception? We have Pyrrha-freaking-Nikos. A celebrity, a star, the famous Huntress! And plus, you have a member of the Arc family. You know, the world renowned hunting family, famous for protecting an entire nation and pretty much being awesome in every way. Ring any bells? C'mon buddy, just make this one exception and we'll never mention this again."

"O-Oh my God! You're them! O-O-Okay sir, I'll get a plane right away!" The guy stuttered as he started calling someone,

"The old Arc charm never fails." Jaune said smugly as he walked back to the group,

"Unlike last time. And the time before that. And the time before that." Nora said as she counted off with her fingers, "And the time before that. And the time before  _that_ …"

"Those were flukes! Don't worry guys; we'll get to Vale in no time at all." The two teams then noticed the large team of large security guards walking up to them, "See, look. Here's our VIP escort squad."

"Uh… don't you think they look kinda… angry?" Ren asked,

"I-I don't t-t-think we're V-VIPs…" The Bunny Faunus said nervously. Ten seconds later, everyone was being carried away by their 'escort squad' as the guy at the desk waved them good-bye, counting his Lien,

"Hey! Watch it! Wait, shit! YOU FUCKING DICK! YOU STOLE OUR MONEY YOU COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE! DON'T YOU IGNORE ME! YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! YOU HEAR ME! DEAD!" Hiro shouted as he was being dragged away from the desk, kicking and screaming all the way out,

"And stay out!" A guard shouted as they were thrown outside in the rain,

"That could've gone better." Sun said as everyone got up,

"And we're back to being broke now!" Pyrrha said as banged her head on the wet concrete, "We are so dead."

"Pyrrha, stop overreacting! Calm down!" Jaune said,

"Calm down!? Team RWBY is trapped in Beacon without anyone else and you're telling me to 'stay calm'!"

"Jaune's right, Pyrrha." Ren said, "You need to stay calm. Anyway, you said they were entertaining themselves with DVDs right? It's not like it'll drive them insane."

(With RWBY!)

" _Come here Boo-Boo_!  _Fetch_!"

"You think a cat toy will do anyth-is that a robot do-"

*BOOM!*

(Back to JNPR & RVIW)

"Also, it is unlikely they will kill each other." Penny added, "They are all friends, and I am sure they'll help each other if any of them are in a time of need."

(RWBY!)

"Did anything interesting happen, Weiss?"

"Nothing much, Yang. Noire brought out a cute doggie. That explodes."

"Oh, nice. Can I have some popcorn?"

(JNPR & RVIW!)

"Yeah, I'm sure they're safe." Hiro said, "Right now, we have to worry about making it to Vale."

"How will we do that? There's nowhere we can play at and we don't have enough fuel in the bus to make it to Vale from here." Velvet pointed out,

"But we do have enough to make it to our next destination. Look, I have a few friends in the next city. If we make it there, I can get a job for us to do. It probably won't be much but it should be enough to get us to the next city after that."

"Then…" Nora urged Hiro to go on,

"That's all I've got." Hiro said, causing everyone to groan, "Well, at least it's better than nothing. C'mon and let's get on the bus before your friends try to kill each other!"

'It's a solid plan at least.' Pyrrha thought as they ran to the tour bus, 'What could possibly go wrong?'

(A few hours later…)

'I had to jinx it, didn't I…' Pyrrha groaned in her thoughts. She didn't know how on Remnant they ended up in one of those fancy concert halls that doubled as a hotel, with all these rich people watching them. And like hell she knew why they were here. All she could piece together was that they were hired to offend people enough to drive them out of the concert hall so they can renovate the entire building. Apparently, these people lived here and wouldn't leave no matter what. Now, that wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for one little detail.

They had to offend the people, not make the people hate them. Or else they would be shot. With guns. And that meant they had to wear armour to protect them and hide their identities just in case. Guess what they had to wear?

"I can't believe we're doing this." Ren groaned inside his helmet. He wore dark grey armour with yellow accents on it. And thanks to the magic of technology, he sounded like Wash,

"It's not so bad." Nora told her friend. She was wearing lightish-red armour and sounded like Donut, "It might be fun, and this armour is surprisingly roomy, especially in the crotch area."

"That's because this armour was made for males. I think only Pyrrha's is built for females." Velvet spoke up, wearing orange armour and talking like Grif,

"Well, it ain't exactly built for guys who have tails." Sun complained as he rubbed where his tail should be. He was wearing red armour and sounded like our favourite senile old man,

"Remind me to tell me friend that we aren't all human males." Hiro said. He looked and sounded like Caboose, helmet and all, "God, I sound like dumbass."

"Why am I male again?" Penny asked. She was wearing maroon armour and sounded like a wimpy nerd,

"A better question should be why there's only one set for girls." Jaune pointed out. He wore teal armour and sounded like Tucker, "What do we do now?"

"We sing, I guess." Pyrrha answered. She couldn't believe she ended up in Carolina's armour and all the voice modifier in her helmet did was made her sound older. She knew after this she needed a vacation, "But what should we sing?" Suddenly, Nora gasped,

"I know what song we should do." Nora said,

"What is it?" Hiro asked,

"Just follow my lead." Nora answered as she stepped forward. She snapped her fingers and suddenly a cane and top hat were thrown out. She caught both of them and put the top hat on her helmet. JPR then realized what Nora was about to do,

"Nora, NO!" Cue Nora: The Musical!

 **Nora:** Let me blow you… away…!

You won't believe your eyes and ears today…

You are in for a surprise

When you look into my eyes

You won't be able to deny my ga… ZE!

"What did that pink man just say!?" A male audience member exclaimed,

"Wait a minute Nora… your what!?" Sun exclaimed,

"Come on Sun, you can't deny my deep, penetrating… eye contact! My gaze! What did you think I said?" Nora answered happily,

"Uh… don't ask."

"Don't tell!"

"Does she have  _any_ idea what she's singing?" Hiro whispered to Jaune. The Arc just shook his head, "Well, shit."

 **Nora:** Let me blow you… away…!

There is nothing that I will not do or say…

To entertain a red companion

In this hot and sweaty canyon

Like a stallion, I am bursting through the ga… TE!

"We're not in a canyon!" Another audience member shouted,

"A what?" Penny asked, genuinely not knowing what a stallion was,

"You know, a stallion. A stud! A horse with a big…"

"Don't. Say it." Ren interrupted his childhood friend,

"…Saddle!" Nora finished off, "Now who wants to mount up?"

"Oh God…" Pyrrha groaned. Hiro almost raised his hand but got elbowed before he could,

 **Nora:** Let me start with inquiry

Which I've recorded in my diary

I've got a secret thing I want to say…

"Is that man gay!?" A female audience exclaimed before fainting. People were already starting to leave, but only a few who were easily offended and a few men, 'Whatever the fuck Nora's doing, she better keep it up.' Pyrrha thought. Hiro, Jaune and Sun stepped up and decided to help Nora with the song.

 **Nora:** What's worse than a conundrum?

Or a cheerleader threesome?

 **Hiro, Sun & Jaune: **Bitches!

 **Nora:** Not taking time to enjoy life each day…

You see the fun, will never cease!

As long as we've got elbow grease!

 **Nora, Jaune, Sun & Hiro: **There's really nothing to it

When you're using head… light…

 **Nora** : Flu… id… ah…!

"Nora, you  _do_ know there's no such thing as headlight fluid." Velvet pointed out,

"Depends on what you mean by 'head'!" Nora replied,

"I-I-I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Velvet stuttered while blushing under her helmet,

"I'm just gonna pretend you did!" the teams just sighed after that, "Oh, by the way, there is such thing as headlight fluid!"

 **Nora:** I caught the fever for hot fun

And I'm recruiting everyone

You know, this army needs a little style…

"We're not an army, and I don't think we have the Lien to decorate the bus." Ren said in a flat tone.

 **Nora:** Hold my ankles, stretch my hammies

I hope you like double whammies

'Cause I'm gonna sing and dance until you smile!

 **Jaune, Hiro & Sun: **'Til you smile!

"Well, this is a waste of 4000 Lien." An audience member grumbled as more people left.

 **Nora:** Some soldiers only… work or nap!

While I ride in shotgun's lap!

 **Jaune, Hiro & Sun**: Shotgun's lap…

 **Nora:** The solution's simple

I'll fill 'em up

With my

 **Nora, Jaune, Sun & Hiro:** Po… tent… ial…!

"Is it me, or did this song suddenly get more erotic with Nora singing it…" Hiro muttered. Lucky for him, no one heard it,

"Nora, please, enough with the double entendres!" Pyrrha begged,

"'Double entendre'? Is that anything a like ménage-á-trios?" Nora guessed,

"I give up." Pyrrha groaned,

"In that case…"

"IS THIS GUY STILL GOING!?" An audience member yelled, "Fuck this, I'm going to get plane to Vale!"

"They're grounded!" Jaune called out,

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

 **Nora:** Let me blow you… away…!

Like a needle, I'll get lost inside your hay…

Easy if you know how, just like milking a cow!

( _Cow bell_!)

Like we do it on the farm back in I-O-W-A…!

( _Moo_!)

"What in the world is an 'Iowa' anyway?" Ren muttered,

"Hm, so you actually grew up on a farm in some place called Iowa?" Hiro asked,

"I wish!" Nora replied, "You can spend a lot of time thinking when you're on a farm. And then a lot of time repressing those thoughts!" The teams decided to take one step back when they heard that.

 **Nora:** Let me blow you… away…!

I'm on my knees, just to have a chance today…

If you see me winking, it's 'cause we're both thinking,

( _Smooch_ )

This lightish-red armour looks so ga…rish!

"Where are these sound effects coming from!?" Jaune exclaimed as he looked around the place,

"Uh, what did you just call your armour?" Sun asked,

"Garish! It means totally lacking in good taste." Nora answered with a grin,

"Hm, kinda like this song." Penny muttered, admitting that the song was of bad taste,

"Nora, you  _do_ know that armour is clearly pink,  _right_?" Velvet pointed out,

"It's lightish-red!" Nora whined as she stomped her foot,

"Why does she keep saying that?" Sun said, confused,

"Yes, you are not fooling anyone Nora." Penny told the girl in pink armour,

"Um, are we talking about her armour colour, or something else?" Velvet asked the team,

"Enough talk, you guys!" Nora declared, "It's time for action!"

"NO!" The audience shouted.

 **Nora:** So let me blow you…

 **Jaune, Sun & Hiro: **Blow you…

 **Nora:** Blow you all…

One by one…

Individually…

Or in group…

Blow you…

Away…!

Pyrrha was hoping Nora's rendition of Donut: the Musical would drive everyone out but only half of the audience was gone. The majority who stayed were women. This kinda disturbed her a little but right now they needed to drive the rest of the audience out. Suddenly, she heard Jaune groan, "Is something wrong?" The Warrior asked,

"No…" Jaune groaned, "I just figured out what song we could do to get these people out of here."

"Jaune, that's great! What do we need?"

"Bass for me, guitar for Hiro, tambourine for you, a drum set for Nora, a saxophone for Sun & Ren and microphones for everyone."

"Done." In a flash, everyone had gotten the instruments Jaune requested. Also a request from Jaune, Hiro called in his friend and got Velvet, Penny & Nora new armour. Now Velvet was Tex, Penny was South and Nora was CT,

"Alright, everyone follow my lead!" Jaune called out before groaning once again, "Can't believe I'm doing this. 3! 2! 1!"

 **Jaune:** Everybody here knows about Tucker.

They say I'm a bad mother-

 **Hiro:** Shut your mouth!

 **Jaune:** I could spend all day thinkin' 'bout chicks,

Thinkin' 'bout tootsie roll pops,

How many licks?

Every time a girl walks by,

I can't help, she just catches my eye.

First I see a face,

Then I see a waist,

Then I see myself back at her place.

 **Hiro:** What!?

 **Jaune:** I'm so alone out in this canyon.

Not one single girl in this canyon,

Or anything rhyming with canyon.

So come and see me if you need a new man-yon.

Everybody think I'm so handsome.

If you're in trouble girl I can pay the ransom.

Need a song chick? This is your anthem.

When I see the ladies I say,

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** When the ladies see me they say,

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** 'Cause they know I treat them right.

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** When I think about you I say,

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Wow Wow Wow!

 **Jaune:** Cause I know you're outta sight!

( _Instrumental break_!)

On Blue team,

We do things,

A little bit screwy.

Your girlfriend is my girlfriend,

Just like in the movie.

Not one you rent on Friday,

But one you rent by the highway.

At the truck stop,

Or the bus stop,

With the sexy stuff,

With the aces up.

Now your time is up,

And my mind's made up.

Get here quick so I can wind you up.

I'll turn out the lights and take it slow.

Pull out my sword and make it glow!

You know I could use a good lady,

Take care of my alien baby.

So come on girl tell your men to get lost,

'Cause you know I wanna see you with your helmet off.

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** When I see the ladies I say,

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** When the ladies see me they say,

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** When I think about you I say!

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Wow Wow Wow!

( _Instrumental break_!)

 **Hiro:** Guess who's back in the house again,

Tuck called me up, said he needed a friend.

To play his wing, and do my thing.

Jump on the tracks and make the ladies sing!

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow!

 **Hiro:** All for Tuck, that boy's the truth.

In the canyon or in the booth.

Dr Ruth ain't touching Tuck, 'cause the ladies know he's Dr FUCK!

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** _Ow_! When I see the ladies I say!

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** _Oo_! When the ladies see me they say!

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

 **Jaune:** _Girl_ when I think about you I say!

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **Bow Chicka Wow Wow Wow!

 **Jaune:** 'Cause I know you're outta sight!

When Jaune opened his eyes after the song was done, he saw that everyone in the concert hall was gone. Actually, the place looked abandoned now that he got a good look at it. Almost haunted, 'Huh, this place really needs renovations.' Jaune thought as everyone looked around,

"It looks like the place is entirely abandoned. Nice song choice Jaune." Sun said,

"You… didn't mean it when you sang all that, right?" Pyrrha asked,

"I'm not that shallow Pyrrha." Jaune answered, "Why did you ask?"

"Just checking."

"Let's get out of here. My friend should've wired some money to all of our accounts by now." Hiro said as they everyone started exiting the building,

"'Wired'? That sounds illegal." Velvet said,

"That's what I said! But he told me that it was all perfectly legal." Hiro said confidently as they went out into the street, still in their armour, causing people to look at them, "I assure you that nothing can go wrong!"

 ***KA-BOOM!** *

The two teams froze in place before they turned around and saw that the whole building had just collapsed from a massive explosion. Everyone was fine apart from a few civilians getting injured,

"Well, fuck." Sun said,

"'Renovations', huh?" Pyrrha growled,

"I-I didn't know! Argh! I'm gonna kill that bastard!" Hiro exclaimed before they heard police sirens, "Fuck! Run!" The two teams broke off into a sprint, running away from the scene. They still heard police sirens behind them and shouting, meaning that the cops were chasing them. The armour was weighing everyone down so when they had the chance, they slipped into an alleyway and got out of their armour and putting on their normal clothes, except for Hiro, "You guys go ahead and get to the bus! I'll run and get rid of the armour. If I'm not in the bus in an hour I want you to take it and make it the next town. Assume the worst."

"We're not leaving you for dead!" Ren said,

"Well I'm not dragging you guys into my mistake! I can take care of myself. Go, before the cops find us!" The teams looked at Hiro before nodding and running away. Hiro sighed and put the armour in the large duffel bag the armour was sent in and ran the other direction,

"You guys go ahead. I'm helping Hiro!" Pyrrha said when she stopped running,

"Don't do it Pyrrha. We need to get out of here." Nora said,

"I don't even think he's a Huntsmen! He could die!"

"But Pyrrha…"

"Go!" The teams took one last look at the red-headed Amazon before nodding at her and ran to where the bus was parked. Pyrrha looked at her friends running away before taking a deep breath and ran in Hiro's general direction. She just hoped it wasn't too late.

(55 minutes later…)

'Lost them.' Hiro thought as took off his helmet before he leaned against a wall in a back alley. His armour had dents in it thanks to the bullets the police had shot at him. He was dead tired. All he wanted to do right now was collapse and fall asleep. He removed the rest of his armour, switched it his normal clothes and threw all the armours into a dumpster before he found a gas can and a match. He dumped all the gas onto the armour and lit the match. He took a deep breath and threw the match in the dumpster before closing the lid. He then checked the time, 'Dammit, I won't make it to the bus in time.' He thought, 'Well, at least the others are sa-'

* _BANG_ *****

"I'm sorry, Hiro. But I cannot let you reveal our secret. For the good of Remnant, you cannot roam the land no longer." Pyrrha said tonelessly as she turned her rifle back into a sword and put it back in it's sheath. She then called up Duster, "It's done."

" _Good to see that you're thinking about the safety of others."_ Duster said,  _"Now your objective is to save Team RWBY before summer ends. Can you do that?"_

"Yes sir." She then ended the called and looked at the body in the middle of the alleyway before jumping off the rooftop. She reminded herself that it was her job, her duty, to do what's best for the world around her, to protect it from what could endanger it.

But it didn't make her less guilty.

When she returned to the bus, she told everyone that she had help Hiro escape the cops and had taken a plane back home. She didn't want anyone to be grieving; she wanted everyone focusing on the mission. A few hours later, they were back on the road again. While everyone was eating dinner, Pyrrha kept the bus driving. She didn't know what else was going to happen, but at least she knew this.

She could finally sleep without worry now.

(Back at the previous city)

"Poor sap." The male shadow muttered as he and his partner looked at the body, "Didn't stand chance for a second."

"What should we do with him?" The woman with hot pink eyes asked,

"What do you think? We leave him. Report him to the cops. It is our civil duty to do shit like that."

"You do know we aren't the most civil people on the planet, right?"

"I know that!" The male shadow exclaimed, "Look, just call it in. We need to do some prep work after this."

"It's gonna be a long week for us, huh?"

"Well, duh! Now hurry up, I'm kinda on a schedule here." The woman sighed, got out her Scroll and called the police,

"Alright, they should be here in a few minutes." The woman said,

"Good. Everything's going exactly as planned." The other shadow said as he rubbed his hands together,

"Until you screw up." The woman muttered. Suddenly, she got zapped by 1000 volts of electricity, "…Ow."

"Remember who the boss is, and that won't happen again."

"You know I can kill you anytime I want, right?"

"But you can't, can you?" the woman with pink eyes groaned,

"This is why I hate working for you."

"And you love me for it."

"No I don't."

"Let's just get back to base." The two then pulled out Purple Dust and disappeared in a flash of violet, leaving no trace of their presence behind. It was going to be a very interesting summer on Remnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it for tonight.
> 
> Save Game... Quit!


	54. Ruby T'Ambrose (Don't Get Me Started, Free Refills, Visiting Hours)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is Rooster Teeth property!
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Team RWBY, They are known as one of the best teams at Beacon for saving the world multiple times. But lately, things were getting a bit hectic for the four girls ever since they've gotten trapped at Beacon Academy with literally no way in or out. Ruby was once again in coma, Weiss was questioning her sanity and her very existence, Blake was constantly fighting her perverted persona Noire for very different reasons. Blake just wanted to kill her, but Noire was doing it because it was fun for her. And then you get Yang who… was just being Yang, with only a little bit of fear for what was coming up next for Ruby's Phase. She had already gone through six Phases: Emotional Ruby, Bitch Ruby, Ninja Ruby, Creepy Ruby, Perverted Ruby and Cuddle Ruby. And to think for all of them, it was caused by one common denominator.

Red vs Blue.

A series of DVDs that they have been watching since Real Ruby asked to watch it. It was pretty much downhill from there, then went off a cliff around Season 2.

"Uuugh…" Yang moaned as she rubbed her forehead in annoyance. She looked around to see that Weiss and Blake were gone, "Another day, Weiss must've went out training in Forever Fall and Blake must be having another fight with Noire." She deducted. One of her questions were answered as she looked out the window and saw an explosion come from Emerald Forest. She had to note that Forever Fall was back to normal now, like nothing had happened to it and Weiss never activated her Aura Mode. She had no idea how, but admittingly it was least weirdest thing she's seen all summer. She turned away from the window and managed to drag herself to the bathroom before smelling a wonderful scent, "Alright, who's making coffee?" Yang called out. When she didn't get a response, she changed directions and headed towards the kitchen, where she saw the most unexpected person to be brewing coffee, "HUH!?"

"Hello sister." Greeted the familiar girl sitting on the stool with a cup of coffee in her hands. Her appearance was rather normal, with dark red glasses over her silver eyes, wearing a red jacket with a black blouse underneath, a black mini-skirt and a pair of red high-tops, "It's good to see you awake. I believe we have much to discuss."

"R-Ruby!?" Yang got out as she looked at her sister, who in turn looked very professional, 'Ah, great… T'Ambrose…' She thought in depression, knowing where this was going,

"Indeed I am, but you can call me Ruby Rose or Ruby T'Ambrose if you wish, though I do prefer T'Ambrose." Ruby said as she took a sip of her coffee,

"Wait, WHAT!?" Yang exclaimed as she pointed at her, "Y-You know about yourself!?" T'Ambrose nodded as she placed her coffee on the counter and adjusted her glasses,

"Indeed, and I must apologize for the last time I came out, scared you, hit with a lamp and called you a hooker." Ruby said, "I had no idea at the time." Yang tripped over her own feet as she wasn't expecting something like that,

"I-It's fine, that lamp didn't work anyway, but how exactly di-"

"Well, after I 'left' last time, I explored mine, er… sorry, I mean Ruby Rose's mind and learned more about her and who she is. I must say, she was a very innocent young woman. I also find it impressive that she made that incredible weapon of hers and the abilities she has."

"Y-Yeah…" Yang mumbled as she sat on the stool, "How… how exactly were you able to this?" T'Ambrose smirked,

"Even though my first time out was belief, it ended with me being filled with a lot of curiousity… that and I'm as smart as Weiss and Blake when necessary. You could say I am the 'Delta' of Ruby Rose." She then looked at the clock, "Now, if you excuse me, I have to possibly talk with the other personalities, mainly Perverted Ruby for what she did to you and the others. I'll be back before we watch another season of Red vs Blue."

"Wait, hold on." Yang said as she grabbed T'Ambrose's shoulder, "Do you know what's wrong with Ruby's Aura Mode?" Ruby nodded,

"Yes. You see, I discovered these 'barriers' in Ruby Rose's mind. To unlock your Aura Mode, you must break down these barriers in order to access it. Ruby Rose has only managed to punch a 'hole' through these barriers, causing fatal side effect of her Aura Mode."

"Is there any way to fix the barriers?" Ruby shook her head sadly,

"No. These holes are permanent and the only way to fix it is to completely shatter them, either through feeling an intense emotion or… something much worse." She rubbed her forehead, "I'm sorry, but I have wasted enough time. Now, if you excuse, I have to save Bitch Ruby from getting molested by Perverted Ruby." She then strutted over to the couch, leaning her back against it and closed her eyes (AN: This part of the intro is from JGResidentEvil!),

"Well, that certainly wasn't weird at all." Yang muttered, "I better get the others."

"Already here." Weiss said as came into the room covered in fluff and dragging Blake and Noire, who were both unconscious,

"Uh… what's with the…"

"Don't ask." Weiss growled as she dumped the two on the couch. Yang then started explaining to Weiss about Ruby's Girl Phase before she went to set up the TV for another season. When Blake and Noire woke up, all they had to do was wait for Ruby to wake up,

"So, you two stopped fighting?" Yang asked the 'twins',

" _Yes_." Noire answered, " _But I still wanna play with my favourite Pussy._ "

*BZZT!*

"And this is just in case she tries anything funny." Blake said with a smirk, showing the remote she has while Noire was on the ground, with smoke coming off her,

"Where did you get that?" Weiss asked. She noted that Noire looked like she didn't have a shock collar,

"I found it in her bag. It had a note on it saying to use it just in case she was a 'bad kitty'."

" _It was part my contract, alright!_ " Noire said as she recovered and got back up,

"Contract?" WBY said, confused,

" _You guys think I got this body for free_?  _I barely had enough Lien to get everything I need and then some_." Noire explained,

"Wait, where did you get Lien?" Blake asked,

" _Outside sources_.  _I had to give 200 Lien for clothes, 500 Lien for my eyes to be pink, my soul for my Semblance, 1000 Lien for becoming a Faunus, 600 Lien to get the same DNA as Blake, 1200 Lien for my vi-_ "

"Wait, wait, wait, hold up." Yang interrupted the pervert, "What was that about your soul!?"

" _Oh, right. I forgot. I sold my soul_." Noire said happily as she took out the device she had on her shoulder, " _My boss gave this little thing to me for free. It's based on whatever technology Penny's based on, allowing me to generate an Aura and lets me use Shadow Stalker_."

"I'm surprised you had a soul in the first place." Blake muttered,

"Isn't that rather redundant?" Weiss pointed out,

" _Now that think about it, you're right. That is redundant._ " Noire realized, " _Damn it, I WANT A REFUND_!" Just then, Ruby started to wake up,

"Stupid fucking pervert and her stupid fucking powers." Ruby cursed before realizing that the entire team was here, "O-Oh, I mean hi! My name is Ruby T'Ambrose, nice to meet you all in person!"

"Are those my glasses?" Weiss asked, but was ignored,

"C'mon Ruby, it's time to watch Red vs Blue." Yang said as she gave Ruby the remote,

"Okay, is everyone ready?" Ruby asked,

"Time to see the consequences of their actions." Weiss replied, curious about how the events of Reconstruction would affect Recreation,

"As I'll ever be." Blake said, glancing at Noire,

" _Hurry up and start_!" Noire called out,

"Let's do this!" Yang said as grabbed some chips,

"Alright. Today we find out the consequences of the Reds & Blues' actions and see some old friends. It's time to start Season 7 of Red vs Blue: Recreation!" Ruby declared as pressed play.

**(Trailer)**

_Opening Credits:_ **Outpost 17-B: "Valhalla"**   **Post-War: Year 1.25**

"Huh, only a month passed since the whole situation with the Meta." Weiss noted, "It looks so… peaceful."

"I doubt that will last long if Donut's message has something to say about it." Blake said.

 **Caboose** : Oh, no, no don't.

_Explosion rings out_

**Caboose** : Ahhhh... crap.

"Okay, I'm still wondering what the fuck he's doing." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : Hum. I need to tell Sarge about this.

" _Um, that the only person in Blue_   _is killing himself? Yeah, that's definitely useful information._ " Noire muttered as she rolled her eyes.

_Radio cuts on_

**Simmons** : Sarge, come in this is Simmons.

_Over radio_

**Sarge** : Grif I do not want to discuss this anymore. You need to shower on a regular basis, it's regulation.

"Oh dear God…" Ruby groaned, "If you're too lazy to get out of your armour and take a shower, go take a dip in the ocean ten feet behind Red Base."

"Then again, that would involve walking." Yang pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Sarge, hey Sarge...

_Over radio_

**Grif** : Why? Our suits are ventilated, they push out the stink.

"Yeah, how about take a big crap in your suit and tell me how that goes." Weiss said.

 **Simmons** : Grif, hello... God damn it...

_Over radio_

**Sarge** : You're just gonna give away our position with those green wavy lines coming off you.

"They don't show up but at this rate they might." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif** : OK, I'll shower... occasionally.

 **Sarge** : Every day.

 **Grif** : Every day. How can I tell how long a day is, the sun never sets around here. Why the hell doesn't the sun set? Shouldn't we be talking about that first?

" _It never set on Blood Gulch but I don't see y-_ " Noire paused before continuing her sentence, " _Okay, maybe, but for fuck's sake man, even animals clean themselves more often than you_!"

_At Red Base_

**Sarge** : Simmons, how'd the latest reconnaissance mission go?

 **Simmons** : Sarge, I have some really exciting news. I just think everyone is going to find this very, very exciting.

"It depends on who give a shit." Yang pointed out.

 **Sarge** : Well spit it out.

 **Simmons** : The Blues... are completely undermanned right now.

There a silence after the Simmons delivered his 'exciting' news, "…Simmons, we knew that since Relocated. It isn't anything new." Blake said.

 **Sarge** : What do you mean by "undermanned"?

 **Grif** : What do you mean by "exciting"?

 **Simmons** : It looks like they have received no reinforcements after the last mission.

"That's because the Blues don't exist anymore and are never going to get reinforcements, or anything from Command." Ruby reminded everyone, "By the way, still an incredibly stupid idea."

 **Simmons:** I need to double check my numbers, but if it's just Caboose over there, that means we have a 4 man advantage.

" _Well, I'm pretty sure Donut's still out making it more of a three man advantage, and they have their jeep with its new gun. Fuck, they can destroy Caboose anytime they want_." Noire said, " _And what's the point of double checking. It one guy, have more than one guy on your side and you pretty much win the battle._ "

"And in this case, the entire war." Weiss added before sighing, "Like there was a war to begin with."

 **Grif** : Ooo... What part do you need to double check? Is it the part where you counted their guys or the part where you counted our guys, 'cause they both sound really tough.

 **Simmons** : Shut up Grif, no one's talking to you.

 **Sarge** : Hmm... This could be strategically advantageous.

"They literally just need to shoot one guy, that's it. Game over. Reds win." Blake muttered before rubbing her forehead, "Ugh, this is the great Blood Gulch stalemate all over again."

 **Grif** : Or maybe it was the part where you subtracted 1 from 5. Math can be hard. Hey Lopez!

 **Lopez** : Si.

 **Grif** : Fire up your calculator unit, we got a doozy!

"It's pre-school math, the most diabolical of math!" Yang shouted out dramatically.

 **Lopez** : (Grumbles)

 **Sarge** : He can't do that, I had to remove that application in order to install a new free app I downloaded. It's a program that could be vital to the morale here at our new base.

 **Lopez** : (Spanish) It makes fart noises.

"Of course it does…" Weiss groaned as everyone face palmed.

 **Sarge** : He he, I don't want to spoil it for you boys, but let's just say it is hilarious.

 **Lopez** : (Spanish) Let's just say you're an idiot.

"Since Season 1, Lopez. Since Season 1." Blake muttered.

 **Grif** : Actually, you do need to recount. We don't have five guys we only have four.

 **Simmons** : We got Donut back.

 **Grif** : You can't count Donut.

" _Yeah, he's pretty much useless right now. Unless you use him as a meat shield_." Noire suggested,

"They do say there's no 'I' in 'team', but 'team' is just an anagram for 'meat'." Ruby pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Why not? He's unconscious right now, but when he wakes up...

 **Grif** : Unconscious? He's been out for three days. I think it's okay to upgrade him to comatose.

"Yeah, and he sounded pretty bad back at Relocated so even if he wakes up he's gonna need some medical attention." Yang pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Well, I think we should count everyone. I'm an equal opportunity counter.

 **Grif** : Yeah, because I'd hate to go into battle without Donut.

 **Simmons** : I mean hell, if I'm counting you as a soldier, I should count the vehicles, some of the bigger rocks we have laying around here, fuck it let's give the trash can a gun.

" _Okay, you don't have to be all snarky about it. At least Grif can hold a gun and shoot_." Noire said.

 **Grif** : At least I can subtract five and one without double-checking.

"And may I say BURN!" Yang shouted.

_In distance, Church appears holding a sniper, overlooking the Reds_

"Wait, who the hell is that?" Weiss muttered as she narrowed her eyes before gasping, "Y-You don't think…"

"Holy shit, that's Church!" Yang exclaimed,

"He really is a g-ghost…" Blake whispered,

" _How is he even alive_?" Noire asked. Ruby just sighed,

"That's because he's not." Ruby explained, "This Church is more metaphorical more than anything. Church, the Alpha, is truly dead, this is more of a 'what if' scenario: If he could see the Reds & Blues right now."

"I'm getting the feeling that he's not particularly happy." Yang said.

 **Simmons** : ( _off-screen_ ) Oh, can you?

 **Church** : Uhh, great. I'm sure this will all end well. I just can't believe that those idiots are responsible for my death. Twice! It's embarrassing is what it is.

"Well, not really…" Weiss muttered, "You know, I think I forgot how many times Church has died from anything other than Caboose. The only one I remember is the E.M.P one, where he was finally put to rest."

_At Blue Base, flames are seen from the inside_

" _Okay, who gave the idiot flammables_!?" Noire called out,

"You'd surprised how many things are actually flammable." Blake said while glancing at the Brawler.

 **Caboose** : Oh no fire, that's bad. Bad fire! Bad fire, go away.

_Back with Church_

**Church** : I mean if I was killed by an alien or a monster, or you know some kind of sorority blow job massacre, that I could handle.

"You died a hero's death. You died doing something that was right! Not many people get to do that." Ruby said.

 **Caboose** : Please stop burning, Nothing else burn.

"Try blowing on it! It's a hell of a lot better than what you're doing now!" Weiss suggested.

 **Church** : And look at this, this is my legacy. I mean what did I do with my life to deserve this?

 **Caboose** : I mean it.

_Texappears behind Church_

"Tex…" The team said as they looked down sadly.

 **Church** : Uhh, this is it's all gone so wrong.

 **Tex** : Well, what are you gonna do about it Church?

 **Church** : Do? What can I do Tex? I'm dead, I'm gone.

 **Tex** : Oh come on Church. They say you're never completely dead if someone still remembers you.

"The people who remember either remember you are assholes, idiots or dead themselves. Yeah… that sounds  _pretty_ dead to me." Blake said as she shook her head,

"But we remember him, right? And we're not assholes or idiots." Yang spoke up,

" _So the people who remember him here are a girl with multiple personality disorder, a girl with daddy issues and was a ghost at one point, a cat girl who used to be from a criminal organization, another more sexy cat girl who doesn't have a soul and was originally a manifestation of someone's desire and a girl with a fetish for tanks and names her motorcycle 'Moto-kun'_." Noire quickly pointed out,

"But we're not assholes at least!"

"But we're idiots for watching this, despite fully knowing that this is driving us insane." Ruby said, "But yes, we're not assholes."

 **Church** : Y-Y-yeah. But look who's left to remember me. Him?

_Caboose runs out of base, on fire_

"And… now he's on fire." Yang said before she face palmed, "Great start to the season so far!"

 **Caboose** : Oh God, now I'm burning. That's much worse then other things burning!

 **Church** : Sure feels like being dead. Like all-the-way dead. Like somebody-encased-me-in-cement-and-then-fired-me-into-the-sun dead.

"I have to admit, that would be one memorable funeral." Blake admitted.

 **Caboose** : Oh god, why does it keep chasing me?

_Caboose falls into the river, the fire is extinguished._

**Caboose** : Ahh... that's nice.

"I'm guessing the UNSC is getting their ass sued for not providing fire extinguishers in bases, right?" Ruby said,

" _This is **Caboose**  you're talking about, I don't even think he knows what a law is_." Noire replied, " _Hell, at this rate I bet he can break a law of physics if he tried._ " She added before chuckling.

 **Church** : It's just a long way back for us.

 **Tex** : Ok, so then we're done?

"Okay, what are they talking about?" Blake muttered.

 **Caboose** : Ok let's try that again. But with less fire on me this time.

"And maybe a reduced amount of explosions." Yang added.

 **Church** : No, no we're not done.

_Camera pans to the sky_

**Tex** : Well if we're not done, let's get started.

 **Church** : Hey have I ever told you how helpful you are to me? I mean you're so full of fucking wisdom, what would I do without you?

"And that why they make the perfect couple." Ruby said.

_Title Screens: Red vs. Blue: Recreation_

**Tex** : I try my best... And you have no one to blame but yourself.

"I wonder what that means." Weiss muttered,

"That wasn't the actual episode, was it? I think it was more of a trailer more than anything else." Yang said,

"Yeah, and I can definitely hype coming from it." Weiss muttered,

"Like I said, the Church and Tex we just saw is metaphorical." Ruby said,

" _Well, let's start the **real** episode of Red vs Blue: Recreation._" Noire said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Don't Get Me Started)**

**Sarge:**  Attention: Blue Team!

"Slash Caboose!" Yang added.

 **Sarge:** This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to the sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to suck in the horrors of this announcement! And then return for your reaction. Be right back!

"He does realize he should've just snuck up on Caboose and shoot him, right?" Weiss said, "And I'm betting isn't even listening… or in the base at all if he's still working on his little project of his."

 _Sarge backs down towards Red Base,_   _where Simmons and Grif are standing._

 **Sarge:**  Hehe. Alright, that oughta scare the bejeebus out of them!

" _Dude, I don't even think he would understand a quarter of what you just said._ " Noire said in a deadpanned tone.

 **Simmons:**  Actually, sir. Since it's just one of them over there-

 **Grif:**  And the one is an idiot.

 **Simmons:**  -I don't really see the point in psychological warfare.

 **Sarge:**  You're right, Simmons. It's not really accurate to refer to one-person as a team. What's better? Blue Person? Blue Man? Bluetonian?

"I know what to call him: Caboose." Ruby answered, "You know his name, you know his helmet and at this point I don't even think they're enemies anymore. They're more like… mutual acquaintances leaning towards hate at best."

 **Simmons:**  What I meant was-

 **Sarge:**  Bluetard!

"They've could've blown up Blue Base by now, all they do is talk." Blake muttered,

" _Oh c'mon Pussy, that's what they do all the time_." Noire pointed out, only to be growled at, " _Alright, alright! You don't like me, I get it._   _There are some people who don't like me either_."

"Who?" Yang asked,

" _None of your fucking business_."

"And this is why people don't like you." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  …What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to him that we're gonna attack. Why don't we just do it?

 **Sarge:**  There's an order to this, Simmons. We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage! We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his Blue ways! To lay down his arms and meet his fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world. A world that's better, because we poisoned his food at that table, and stabbed him in the eye with a fork. And taken all his stuff.

"And that's how all wars are won." Blake muttered as she rolled her eyes,

"If that happened, that would be the worst peace summit ever." Yang said,

"Of all time." Weiss added, "Ack, FUCK!"

" _You're **still** saying that, even after that whole blow out last season. Are you sure you're not Wash & Church's love child_?" Noire asked, chuckling a little. She decided to shut up when she saw armour forming around Weiss.

 **Simmons:**  …Dibs on the computers.

 **Sarge:**  Noted. Now watch that base. Tell me if anything changes.

 **Simmons:**  Yes, sir! And sir?

 **Sarge:**  Yes, Simmons?

 **Simmons:**  I just wanna say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory.

"That probably won't count." Ruby added, "There are no Blues after all. They may as well be shooting at ghosts."

 **Simmons:** It's been a long time coming.

"It's been a long time coming since Church died!" Yang shouted, "Fucking hell, it really is the Sister thing all over again."

 **Sarge:**  Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must've been quite an honor to serve with me. ( _pause_ ) Ah… okay. Glad we had this talk.

 **Simmons:**   _[hopeful]_  Are you glad I'm here too, Sarge?

 **Sarge:**  Of course I am.

"Really?" RWBY & Noire said in unison,

"There has to be a catch." Weiss said.

 **Simmons:**  I knew it! I just could-

 **Sarge:**  The squad's kill-death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating sergeants! If you had died, that would've hurt my numbers.

"And there's the catch." Yang said, "There's always a catch."

"He only cares about himself and his stupid stats." Blake muttered, "Ugh, how did he become the Leader of the Reds again?"

 **Simmons:**  ( _sniffs; walks off_ ) _[dejectedly]_  Glad I could help!

" _You know what, fuck shooting Caboose, I want Simmons to kill Sarge_!" Noire demanded.

 **Sarge:**  It's better to keep a little padding in our stats! That way if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face, and still stay in the lead.

"But you'll be tried for treason for intentionally killing your own teammate if they ever find out." Ruby pointed out, "Which they likely will."

 **Grif:**  You know, I'm standing right here.

 **Sarge:**  Right where I want you! Within face-stabbing range.

_A radio sounds._

**Sarge:**  Lopez, how are those vehicle repairs coming?

 **Lopez:**   _Coming? The jeep is destroyed. It can't be fixed._

"Oh, right… wait, when did they destroy the jeep again?" Ruby asked,

"You know, I totally lost count." Yang muttered before growling, "So many car, wasted."

 **Sarge:**  Got an ETA?

"How about in the next infinity? Is that good enough?" Weiss said sarcastically.

 **Lopez:**   _Yes. Never._

 **Sarge:**  As long as they get it ASAP! Cuz I need a PDQ!

" _Uh… what's that last one_?" Noire asked,

"Well, apparently you didn't get my IQ." Blake said, "It stands for 'Pretty Damn Quickly'."

"How many acronyms does Sarge know?" Ruby muttered.

 **Lopez:**   _In that case, never minus one._

 **Sarge:**  Lopez, you're a regular RFR: Really Fast Robot. Grif! Make a note in the acronym journal. Simmons! Status report!

 **Simmons:**  ( _watching over the Blue Base_ ) Still just one Blue, sir.

"Like there always been." Blake said.

 **Sarge:**  Lopez! Status report!

"Dude, you just talked to him!" Yang exclaimed, "The car's fucked, you're an idiot and there's only one Blue in the entire fucking canyon! That's the whole goddamn status report!"

 **Lopez:**   _You already talked to me, jackass!_

 **Sarge:**  ( _runs back to the hill_ ) Hey, Blue! Don't think we've forgotten about ya! Still gonna kill ya any second! ( _heads back towards his base_ ) Count on it!

" _You know, by this point, if I was there I would stop caring by this point_." Noire said.

 **Grif:**  Sarge, have you thought this invasion all the way through?

 **Sarge:**  Of course I have! We beat the Blues; we win, you suck. That's all the way through.

"But what about  _after_ you kill Caboose?" Yang pointed out.

_Simmons returns as well._

**Grif:**  Uh, and who do we fight then?

 **Sarge:**  We fight… with other Blues!

"Uh, wrong. There are no other Blues. There will never be other Blues because you deleted everything on them." Ruby said before sighing, "I knew that it was gonna come back to haunt him!"

 **Grif:**  But what if no more Blues come? I mean they haven't sent reinforcements yet. What if they never do?

 **Simmons:**  Why would you want more Blues?

"Wait, yeah, I thought you hated the army Grif." Blake said, "Hell, after this you could probably check up on Sister to see if she's alive or not. Or better yet, go home. Retire. Get that 401k stuff."

 **Grif:**  Well, we have this new base and all this new equipment. Who else are we gonna test it on?

"Yeah, it seems like a waste of resources." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons:**  Who cares!? The war would be over!

 **Grif:**  Oh. Great.

 **Sarge:**  You're suggesting we  _don't_  attack them? Grif, that's borderline traitorism!

" _It's called treason, jackass_." Noire muttered.

 **Simmons:**  I think the word you're looking for is treason, sir.

 **Grif:**  Never mind, Sarge. I was wrong. If the war's over and we win, well that's just great.

 **Sarge:**  Of course it would be!

 **Grif:**  I mean, no more early morning runs. No more training exercises. Why would we need to do any of that stuff, right? We won!

"Yeah, woo, whatever, go Red." Ruby cheered weakly, "God, this is taking way longer than it should be."

 **Sarge:**  Right…?

 **Grif:**  And all this new equipment, we can just let them fall into disrepair. I mean, we don't need it! We won't even need to test it, because we're winning. We're about to make it all obsolete.

 **Sarge:**  ( _groans_ )

"Oh… I can see where this is going." Weiss groaned, "Grif, you're digging own grave. Again."

 **Grif:**  And just think about this, Sarge! No more boring staff meetings! Ever!

"At least that's a bonus." Blake muttered. She remembered falling half-asleep during all those meetings during her time in the White Fang. All they talked about was 'Humans must die' this and 'Equal rights for Faunus' that. It was another reason why she wanted to leave.

 **Sarge:**  ( _groans some more; runs back to the hill_ ) Hey, Blue! There's uh, gonna be a slight delay in your destruction! Hang tight! ( _to Grif and Simmons_ ) Maybe I should call our new Command. They'll tell us what we should do.

 **Grif:**  Heh, yeah, the old one was so great, the new one's gotta be even better.

"At least the UNSC is at least a bit better than Project Freelancer." Yang said, "…I hope."

_A radio sounds._

**Sarge:** Command! Come in, Command! This is Blood Gulch Outpost-… wait… I mean, Simmons, what's the name of this place again?

 **Simmons:**  Valhalla.

 **Sarge:**  Valhaldagir-jaggle-callit... thingy... Outpost Number One!

"It's actually Outpost Number Seventeen." Ruby corrected.

 **Sarge:** Do you read? Come in! I need advisement on what to do about Blue Team!

 **Simmons:**  What are you doing?

 **Grif:**  What do you mean, "what am I doing"? We have one enemy here. We can milk this for years!

"So he's intentionally trying to induce the epic stalemate Sarge had at Blood Gulch." Blake figured out, "And when he said they could milk this for years, I believe him."

" _I'm just until Sarge decides to break back into Command and reinstate the Blues back into their systems_." Noire muttered,

"You don't know that." Yang said. Noire only raised her eyebrow, "…Okay, maybe he will, but he might not."

 **Sarge:**  No, Blue Team! ( _slowly_ ) Blue…

_Caboose waltzes up to Simmons and Grif, who fail to notice him. He looks back and forth between who's talking._

"This is literally the worst war-ending fight ever." Ruby groaned,

"Of all time." Weiss couldn't help but add, "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

 **Grif:**  If we beat them, Command will just send us to some new base, where we have to fight a real team.

 **Simmons:**  So?

 **Grif:**   _So_!? Do you want to fight one shitty enemy, or five real enemies?

"I'd rather have five real enemies." Yang admitted as she cracked her knuckles, "More fun that way."

 **Sarge:**  B-L-U-E. Blue! Try looking under "suck it!"

 **Grif:**  You want me to help you subtract one from five? I know that's tough for you.

 **Simmons:**  Shut up.

" _Call back to the trailer_." Noire muttered, ' _At this rate, I'm not hitting my perversion quota_.'

 **Caboose:**  Hey guys.

 **Simmons:**  What are you doing here!?

"Apparently, being more of a threat than your team right about now." Ruby answered, "If Caboose's brain actually functioned, he could've wiped out all the Reds by now."

"That, or say that they're friendlies and 'help them'." Yang added.

 **Caboose:**  Just gettin' parts from the crashed ship. What are you guys up to?

 **Grif:**  We're deciding whether or not to kill you and wipe out your team forever.

 **Caboose:**  Ah. Sounds tough.

"For the Red Team, everything is tough. From subtracting 1 from 5 to deciding whenever or not to destroy your mortal enemy." Weiss said before rubbing her forehead and groaning, "God, they're idiots."

 **Grif:**  We're kind of splittin' the decision right now.

 **Caboose:**  Do I get a vote?

 **Simmons:**  No! G-Get back to your base! Stop wandering around during your defeat. It's confusing!

"Well, I wouldn't call this a defeat when your enemy is talking to you like you're one of their workmates." Blake pointed out.

 **Caboose:**  Oh! Okay. Sorry! ( _begins to head back towards his base_ )

 **Simmons:**  And what are you workin' on?

" _It's a secret to everyone_." Noire muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Still not telling you!

 **Sarge:**  Hello? Hello? Hello? They hung up on me!

"And for various good reasons too." Weiss said.

 **Simmons:**  Why?

 **Sarge:**  They said they didn't even have record of a Blue Team. Nothing on Blues at all in their computer system.

"Hm, I wonder why?" Blake asked in a flat tone.

 **Simmons:**  Oh. …Ohhhh!

 **Sarge:**  What?

 **Simmons:**  We deleted them, remember? From Command computers. We wiped them out.

"Yeah, then Simmons was spouting out stuff about a reality-warping computer and stuff." Yang added.

 **Sarge:**  We did?

"That's because you deleted them! It's been at least a month! How horrible of a memory do you have!?" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, don't you remember?

 **Sarge:**  Ohhh, right.

_Cuts to a flashback. Grif and Sarge are standing behind Simmons, who is looking at a computer._

**Sarge:**  Simmons, execute the hypotenuse initiative, and delete the Blues.

" _Okay… so far it's pretty normal. I'm sure Sarge never said that but so far it isn't too bad_." Noire said.

 **Simmons:**  ( _presses a switch_ ) Done! The Blues now never existed. I also upgraded your pay scale while I was at it.

 **Sarge:**  Well deserved.

"Okay, that didn't actually happen." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, we win!

_Sarge cocks his shotgun and shoots Grif in the head. Grif falls over._

**Grif:**  Blarg! I am dead, but that's okay, I don't deserve to enjoy victory. My life has meant nothing.

"Okay, that  _definitely_ didn't happen." Ruby said, "Grif still fucking alive!"

 **Sarge:**  What a great day! Simmons, transform into Motorcycle Mode.

 **Simmons:**   _[monotone]_  You got it, sir. ( _begins changing into a jeep_ ) Choop choop choop choop choop! Beep beep!

 **Sarge:**  Let's get out of here. ( _hops on motorcycle-Simmons and drives outside_ ) Yee-haw!

"And… there goes every scrap of reality." Weiss finished off. Suddenly, the team saw Yang drooling out a waterfall as she stared at the screen,

"No." Ruby said flat out,

"Oh c'mon, it's on-"

"No!" Weiss said more forcefully than Ruby,

"Just maybe I ca-"

"NO!" Blake shouted,

"It's on-"

" _For the love of God, even I have my limits._ " Noire said, " _You are not fucking your motorcycle_!  _Even if you do make it turn into your sex doll, make it ravish you with its chains, purrs as it pleasures you, fill you up with…_ "

*BZZT!*

"'Limits', huh?" Blake said as Noire recovered from her shock,

" _Sorry, I lost my train of thought. Anyway, point is: You are not fucking your bike_!"

"Uh, I was going to suggest making Moto-kun transform into armour to give me more protection in battle and maybe allow me more maneuverability." Yang said, "Where the fuck did you get me having sex with my Moto-kun?"

"U-U-Uh… n-nowhere!" Ruby quickly stuttered out as soon as she saw Yang's hair starting to glow,

"I wasn't thinking that…" Weiss said as she blushed and looked away,

"I was thinking about… Penny." Blake lied,

" _It was heavily implied_!" Noire exclaimed, " _… And I know you were thinking about it_."

"No I wasn't!" Yang defended herself as her face went red, 'God damn it, now I'm actually thinking about!'

' _And all is right with the universe_.' Noire thought with a smile.

_End flashback._

**Grif:**  That's not what happened!

 **Sarge:**  Of course it is.

 **Grif:**  Then how am I still alive?

 **Sarge:**  I ask myself that question every day.

Blake grabbed the remote and paused the episode to get some time to comprehend things, "So… the reason why Sarge hasn't killed Grif already is that he thinks he did, but believes that he won't stay dead. He doesn't bother to kill Grif because he believes something else will kill Grif and, hopefully, will stay dead." Blake theorized, "Gotta admit, I didn't even understand my own explanation."

" _But it is the best possible answer to your questions of 'Why hasn't Sarge killed Grif yet?' back at Relocated_." Noire pointed out,

"Wait, hold on." Weiss said as she narrowed her eyes at Noire, "I'm sure you've never watched Season 6 or Relocated, and yet you're acting like you've watched them before. Exactly how long were you here? Have you been spying on us?"

"Uh… what did you see?" Yang asked in a worried tone with a blush on her face, fearing that Noire was good at stealth as Blake or Ninja Ruby, both of which she had no idea where they were during the Ninja War,

" _Meh, whatever's convenient for the plot._ " Noire answered,

"Wait, what?" The RWBYs said, confused,

" _I meant it was for the good of the plot of Red vs Blue. I had to pay 400 Lien to watch Season 6 and I watched Relocated for free… from a tree with binoculars and a microphone._ " ' _Plus, it's for the good of the plot for this story as well._ ' Noire mentally added, ' _Thank you rt fan for the joke, and yes, I have all the stuff you gave me I'm not sure about how perverted or off-the-wall my jokes will be, but you'll have to wait and see_.'

 **Sarge:** ( _pauses_ ) Moto-Simmons! Run him over.

"Don't tell me Sarge used car parts for Simmons cybernetics." Ruby groaned,

"And like you can really call them cybernetics." Weiss said, "All Sarge did was replace his organs with machines and made his ass a fax machine."

"He can be so smart, yet so stupid at the same time." Blake said as shook her head,

"Well, let's see what's next for the Reds & Blues." Yang said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Free Refills)**

_Fade into when Caboose is talking to the Epsilon unit._

"Wait, why is he talking to the Epsilon unit?" Weiss asked, "I know he might be lonely but…"

"Caboose has been in that base for weeks alone. With his mental state, he'll talk to anything to push the feeling of loneliness away." Ruby answered,

"We're just lucky we have each other." Yang spoke up,

" _Yeah, six comas and insanity is definitely a cure for loneliness_." Noire said sarcastically,

"At least… okay, I've got nothing." And with that, the girls collectively sighed.

 **Caboose:**  Then there was the time we got a tank. Of course no one knew how to drive it, but then there was a big fight, my team got in trouble. So I talked to the tank. She was really nice, you're really gonna like her.

"Yeah, if she has enough power to have a conversation." Yang said as she sighed sadly.

 **Caboose:** Anyways, the team was in trouble, and I had to use the tank to drive out there to help them.

"If you can call it that." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose:**...Well, help most of them.

The RWBYs and Noire just stared at the screen with accusing looks on their faces as they crossed their arms.

 **Caboose:**...Erm, some of them.

The girls continued to look at the Idiot Blue accusingly.

 **Caboose:**...Okay, let's just say this: I drove the tank, and some people got helped… and some other people didn't get helped.

" _I'm_   _still not satisfied with the answer_." Noire said as they continued to glare at Caboose, with the RWBYs quietly agreeing.

 **Caboose:**...Details are really important.

_Cut to the Red Base. Sarge is running around, searching through multiple areas of the base for Grif. He ends in front of the Warthog._

**Sarge:**  Grif! Where the hell are ya? Grif! Grif? Grif! Come on!

"He's probably avoiding him just so he can get out of doing work for a little bit longer." Ruby guessed.

 **Grif:**  ( _from in the base_ ) I'm in here!

 **Sarge:**  Where are you? Grif, I need you!

 **Grif:**  In here, in the base!

 **Sarge:**  I can't hear you! Get out here!

_Sarge runs towards the base while Grif is exiting it._

**Grif:** Okay. Damn, what is it?

 **Sarge:**  Where's Simmons?

"Oh come on!" Yang exclaimed, "You go through all this trouble to find Grif, so you can find Simmons? What the actual fuck!?"

 **Grif:**   _Simmons_? If you wanted Simmons, then why didn't you yell like a lunatic for Simmons?

 **Sarge:**  Damn it, Grif! I entrusted you with one duty! And that's to know exactly where Simmons is at all times so  _I_  can find him! Simmons watches Donut, Donut watches me.

"You know, that's actually a pretty good system now that I think about." Weiss admitted.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, who watches me?

 **Sarge:**  Nobody. You move less than Donut does.

"Which is kinda true I guess." Ruby muttered.

 **Sarge:** Now where's Simmons?

 **Grif:**  I don't know, he's downstairs in your hologram simula-tron or whatever the hell you call it.

"Okay, what's Simmons doing in the Simulation Room?" Blake whispered to herself.

 **Sarge:**  Excellent work, Private Grif!

 **Grif:**  Wow! Thank you, sir.

" _The sarcasm is strong in these two._ " Noire said in a deep voice,

"Um, where did that come from?" Yang asked,

" _I don't know, Star Wars or some shit._ "

"The fuck is a 'Star Wars'?" Yang asked, but received no answer. She decided to Google it afterwards.

 **Sarge:**  I'm gonna recommend you for a big shiny medal!

 **Grif:**  Okay, you're being sarcastic right now, aren't you?

 **Sarge:**  Oh, absolutely!

"Wait, uh… what?" Weiss said, not understanding the tone of the two Reds.

 **Sarge:** …Wait, was your question sarcastic?

 **Grif:**  Who knows? Probably? Unless-wait, are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?

_Awkward silence._

"Maybe the sarcasm is a little bit  _too_ strong in these two." Ruby said.

 **Sarge:**  Hm. Maybe we should drop this conversation.

 **Grif:**  Yeeah…

"Good idea, before it gets more confusing." Yang muttered as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Sarge:**  ( _starts heading into the base_ ) What's Simmons doing downstairs?

 **Grif:**  Sorry! Not in my job description!

 **Sarge:**  ( _grunts_ ) I'll ask him myself…

_Cuts to inside the simulation room, where Simmons is seen working on the jeep._

" _Huh, he must be trying to fix the jeep so it won't shut down all the time._ " Noire guessed.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!

"But not before looking everywhere for Grif." Weiss added.

 **Simmons:**  Really? Sorry, sir. I was just down here working on the jeep prototype. I know you really want to see it built, and we need to work on a few bugs in the design.

 **Sarge:**  A few bugs?

"It shuts down every time you use the gun! You'd be sitting ducks in the middle of a fight!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, you know, like the fact it stalls every time we fire the magnetic cannon, because you based it on an EMP.

 **Sarge:**  Oh, right!

 **Simmons:**  Kind of a critical flaw, if you don't mind me saying.

 **Sarge:**  Oh, I don't mind you saying! Feedback is important.

"Something… doesn't seem right…" Ruby muttered as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Simmons:** It's just that sometimes I feel bad criticizing your work… you know, because you're in charge and all.

"All good leaders need to know their flaws." Blake said, "I'm pretty sure Weiss has a list of Ruby's."

"Which I'll gladly read." Ruby said. Yang couldn't help but think if this was Real Ruby, she would've been slightly mad,

"Last I saw it, it was 10 pages long. That was at the end of the first semester."

"I'll still read it."

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, there's no reason to feel that way! You're a valuable member of the team! I always find your feedback to be both insightful, and appropriate.

 **Simmons:**  …Really?

"Wait a minute, I thought Sarge only called him a valuable member because he wasn't dead yet." Weiss stated, "Okay. Something is definitely wrong."

"That, or Sarge actually has a heart of gold." Yang muttered.

 **Sarge:**  I know I can be rough sometimes, but that's only because it's hard being the leader! You know, dealing with those dirty Blues and that lousy Grif character all the time!

" _Lousy Grif character_ …" Noire repeated slowly, " _Okay, something's up. What the fuck did you do to Sarge_?"

 **Simmons:**  He  _is_  lazy, sir.

 **Sarge:**  I don't mean to complain, but sometimes… I just… need a friend… Simmons, we've been working together a long time. I hope I can call you a friend. And that you can call me… the same.

Everything was quiet in the dorm as they thought about Sarge's offer, and could only think of one word, " **BULLSHIT!** "

 **Simmons:**  Gosh, sir, I don't know what to say! If it's okay with you, I would really like it if I could just call you "dad."

" _Okay… you're taking the whole 'father-figure' a **little**  bit too seriously there Simmons_." Noire said, " _Almost to the point of creepy actually_."

_The real Sarge suddenly appears at the top level of the simulation room._

**Sarge:**  Simmons, are you down here?

"You know what you said about Simmons talking the whole father-figure thing too far to the point of creepy, yeah… now the entire thing is creepy. Good job." Yang said.

 **Simmons:**   _[shocked]_  What? Yes! I mean… yes! Give me a second, don't come in!

"He sounds like one of young boys trying to hide his porn magazines." Weiss said,

"Or pull up his pants." Ruby added.

 **Sarge:**  What the hell are you doing?

"Something actually troubling." Blake answered.

 **Simmons:**  Nothing! I was just working on your jeep design and-

 **Sarge:**  What? Stay away from my jeep! It's perfect! You'll just mess it up!

"Ah, there's the Sarge we know! Uncaring and a total jackass." Yang said.

 **Simmons:**  ( _sighs_ ) Yes, sir.

 **Sarge:**  And who are you talking to?

_Simmons sighs again as he turns to the simulated Sarge standing nearby him. A blue glow emits from below the simulated Sarge and he vanishes immediately._

**Simmons:**  ( _sighs_ )  _[dejectedly]_  Nobody.

"Can't someone give him a friend? Or at least someone to talk to?" Ruby suggested,

"But what about Grif?" Weiss pointed out,

"Grif doesn't count. And if he did, it would be barely."

 **Sarge:**  Well, get upstairs on the pronto! We need to have a meeting! And I need someone to agree with me.

"I don't think Simmons will be his Yes Man for much longer." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons:**  Do you want to brief me on the details first, so I know what I'll be agreeing to?

 **Sarge:**  Oh yeah, I'll get riiiight on that. Send you a memo.

 **Simmons:**  Really? Because I've been working on the template and I think it's ready to-

 **Sarge:**  No! Of course not! Why the hell would I do that? What, did you get exposed to radiation or something down here?

"Knowing Sarge, he probably got the room powered with a nuclear reactor." Ruby said.

 **Sarge:** ( _leaves room_ ) That boy's gone crazy…

 **Simmons:**  I like my digital life so much more than my stupid real life.

_A simulated Grif appears._

**Grif:**  I love boners!

" _I know what I like, but what about you_?  _Meow Ch-_ "

*BZZT!*

"When will you learn…" Blake muttered as she shook her head while Noire was on the ground,

" _Let… my last words be… Meow… Chicka… Meow… Meow._ " Noire said weakly before falling unconscious, " _Herk! Blah… damn it._ "

"Don't worry, there's a heart-rate monitor on the remote. She's fine."

"She deserved it. That joke was horrible." Yang said as she grimaced,

"Where is her shock collar anyway?" Weiss asked as she looked around Noire's body,

"It's probably best if we don't know." Ruby said. With that, they decided to wait until Noire woke up before they continued the episode.

 **Simmons:**  ( _follows after Sarge_ ) Shut up, fake Grif.

_Cuts to outside the entrance of the Red Base. Grif and Sarge are watching Simmons approach._

**Sarge:**  Finally! Maybe now we can get started!

"This is going go well." Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**  What's your problem?

 **Simmons:**  Nothing. Leave me alone.

 **Sarge:**  Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason.

"A very stupid, old and red reason." Yang added, "…That didn't make any sense, did it?"

" _Kinda_." Noire replied.

 **Simmons:**  Unknown, sir? We're the ones that did it!

 **Sarge:**  You can't prove that.

"You did it yourself, dumbass!" Weiss shouted.

 **Simmons:**  I think we can-

 **Grif:**  Prove it to who?

"Prove it to Command." Ruby answered, "Though, I doubt they had video evidence since they didn't get busted until the Meta showed up."

 **Simmons:**  -because we're the ones that did it.

 **Sarge:**  Allegedly.

 **Simmons:**  Not allegedly. You told me to do it, and I did it.

 **Sarge:**  Reportedly! Let's not go accusing people and inviting a lawsuit until we know the facts!

" _All I'm getting from this is they're either trying to sue Command or themselves for deleting the Blues_ …" Noire muttered, " _And both of them are pretty likely._ "

"Yeah, have Sarge be the judge, jury and executioner. Makes things a whole lot easier." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  Who's gonna sue us? Us? We're gonna-wait, we're gonna sue ourselves?

"What can they give damages? They already have humiliation, ridicule and embarrassment, and I'm certain that they don't have money." Ruby said, "Maybe… a fruitcake or something. Everyone loves fruitcake!"

"No likes fruitcake." WBY & Noire said in unison, causing Ruby to pout,

"Fine! But you'll regret it!"

 **Sarge:**  I'm going to defer this conversation to my legal team.

 **Grif:**  So that means the staff meeting is over?

 **Sarge:**  No!

"I don't even think it started yet." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  Why not?

 **Sarge:**  We have too much to discuss! Isn't that right, Simmons?

 **Simmons:**  ( _sighs_ ) Absolutely, sir. No one has ever been more right than you.

"Now I feel bad for Simmons." Ruby admitted, "Damn it, Sarge, you're losing the only one who will actually respect you."

 **Grif:**  Wow, someone's phoning it in.

 **Sarge:** If the Blues aren't in Command's database, that means even if we destroy them in a resounding victory, it still won't count as a win! It's like we didn't even beat anybody!

"You're not even beating a team then. You'll be beating one guy." Blake said,

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire quickly said,

"Wait!" Yang called out as she pulled a Thesaurus out from under her pillow and started searching up a word, "Uh… yep, it counts!"

*BZZT!*

' _Why did I sign up again…_ ' Noire groaned in her mind as she shakily stood back up and sat back down, ' _Oh, he is so getting hate soon_.'

 **Grif:**  Hey, that's right! I never thought about that, sir!

 **Simmons:**  Meh. Whatever.

 **Sarge:** So that means, we can't kill the Blues.

 **Grif:**  Exactly. Because if we defeated them, it won't even count. And that's the best part about winning a war: getting the points.

"No, the best part is actually surviving to fight another day." Weiss said.

 **Sarge:**  Bingo!

 **Simmons:**  No, why would we try to win, it's only what we're supposed to do.

"No, you're supposed to be cannon fodder for Command." Ruby corrected as she pushed up her glasses.

 **Sarge:**  We need to find a way to get them back into the database first.

 **Grif:**  So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And, notice them well enough to actually go out of their way and add them back into the database? Or, do anything at all in any way to formally recognize us in an official capacity?

"So basically… wait until something happens." Yang summarized.

 **Sarge:**  You got it.

 **Grif:**  This is probably the single greatest plan I've ever heard in my entire life.

 **Simmons:**  You would think that, kiss-ass.

" _I-I-I don't know how to react to this_." The perverted cat girl muttered as she shook her head in disbelief, ' _Probably because the author is too fucking lazy to make up one_.' She mentally added,

"Is there something in the water, or was there actually radiation in the Simulation Room?" Weiss asked.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons! Can it! And thank-you, Private… ugh… Grif? Urgh!

 **Grif:**  You're… welcome? Am I, saying that right?

"Yeah, this is getting weirder and weirder by the minute." Ruby said as she leaned back.

 **Sarge:**  So! Our first order of business should be to fortify our own team! Get ready for the big battle! Let's get Donut back on his feet.

"Which will probably take a few months or so, if ever." Blake said, "Comas could last from a few days to death."

"Yeah." Yang said before realizing something, "Wait, about Ruby's comas?"

"We should consider her very lucky she's able to come out of her comatose state every week." T'Ambrose said.

_They all turn to where Donut's corpse previously was, but it had vanished._

"Wait, where's Donut!?" The RWBYs and Noire exclaimed,

"Okay, maybe it really  _was_  a good idea to have everyone keep track of each other." Yang said.

 **Grif:**  Hey, where's Donut?

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, where'd he go!?

 **Simmons:**  How would I know?

 **Sarge:**  Keeping track of Donut is one of yer duties!

 **Grif:**  Oohhoohoo, busted!

 **Simmons:**  Meh, who cares.

" _You know, that sounds wrong._ " Noire admitted, " _Not the gross-kind of wrong, just… fucking wrong_."

_Cuts to Caboose inside the Blue Base. He is still talking to the Epsilon unit. The camera slowly zooms out from Caboose as he is speaking._

**Caboose:**  And then there was the time we turned all of our armor black, because Tex was captured. You remember her. I told you all about her. It was a crazy adventure. Then there was another time when she helped us break into O'Malley's fortress.

"Is he still going on with telling Epsilon all about what happened at Blood Gulch?" Weiss said, annoyed,

"Don't get mad Weiss." Ruby told the Heiress, "For all we know, it might be important in the plot later on."

"Yeah right, and I'm the fucking Queen of Remnant." Weiss scoffed,

' _She's also the Queen of Hearts, coming to a computer near you sooner or later_.' Noire thought quickly as she winked and smiled, ' _I should get paid for this_.  _Also, this part is based off of snake screamer's review._ '

"Why are you winking?" Blake asked in a monotone voice. She didn't get an answer.

_The camera slowly pans to the right, revealing Donut standing right behind Caboose._

"Holy shit! Donut!" The girls exclaimed,

"I'm surprised he could make it to Blue Base in his condition." Weiss said.

 **Caboose:**  Didn't I tell you that one already? ( _suddenly glances up_ ) Hey! Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched by someone?

"Huh, good instincts." Yang noted, pleasantly surprised by Caboose awareness and impressed.

 **Caboose:** …Donut, I'm asking you a question.

Suddenly, everyone's jaws hit the floor, "I think Church was right about God compensating Caboose's lack of intellect with large amounts of strength and awareness." Weiss said. Yang looked at Weiss accusingly,

"You've given up on not being compared to Church, and are trying to raise our view of him now so that it's a better association, aren't you?" Yang said,

"Hey, despite his faults he was still the Leader of the Blues,"

"There wasn't much competition." Ruby pointed out. Weiss ignored her and went on with her explanation,

"And all of his faults were likely a result of being tortured by the Director for science." Yang then looked down sadly, remembering Weiss telling her that the innocent never runs, "Besides, what excuse do you have for Sister, SISTER!"

"FUCK YOU!" Yang shouted as she tried to think of something to counter with,

" _This makes me realize how great it is being compared to a character you like._ " Noire said while looking at her favourite cat girl, " _Right Blake_?"

"Only you could be compared to Tucker and like it." Blake responded, "Also, I'd rather you'd point out difference between us rather than our similarities." She then aimed Gambol Shroud's gun at Noire, "Like I have a gun, and you don't." Suddenly, Noire pulled out a strange looking blunderbuss from out of nowhere and aimed it at Blake,

" _You were saying_?" Noire taunted as she cocked her Flaming Compensator, ' _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ ' " _Anyway, I'll only do it if you ask me if you could use my new Hello Kitty dildo rather than trying to take it when I'm not looking_." RWY quickly turned their attention to the Faunus, who was blushing madly,

"I-I w-wo-would n-nev-never…" Blake stuttered as she tried to hide herself by tucking in her knees and hiding her face behind them, "P-Please d-don't look a-a-at me like th-t-that."

" _That's what she said. Meow Chicka Meow Meow_." Noire quickly said, causing the RWBYs to groan, ' _Yay! I'm hitting my perversion quota! Thank you rt fan for the joke_.' After taking a few minutes to calm down, Noire picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Visiting Hours)**

_Fade into Sarge running towards the Blue Base, followed by Grif and Simmons._

**Sarge:**  Come on, men! Lopez said Donut went this way!

"I don't think he did." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:**  Are you sure that's what he said? I don't think  _pendejo_  was Spanish for "that way."

" _Actually, it's Spanish for…_ " Noire started before getting interrupted,

"Don't you  _dare_." Blake growled, still pretty pissed that she lost her ability to Noire,

" _Oh, c'mon Pussy. The others don't know what it is_."

"What does it mean, by the way?" Weiss asked,

" _It's basically the same as calling someone a stupid donkey_."

"Oh… you mean a dumbass, right?" Yang said,

" _Yep_." Noire said, ' _Thank you Autistic-Grizzly for the joke._ '

_Cuts to Caboose inside the Blue Base, speaking to Donut._

**Caboose:**  Muffin Man!

 **Donut:**  Caboose…! I have a message for Church! Wh… where is he?

"Gone, but not forgotten." Blake said as they had a quick moment of silence.

 **Caboose:**  Hey, are you okay?

 **Donut:**  Just a little weak.

"You were in a coma!" The girls exclaimed,

"Even Caboose knows Donut needs medical attention." Ruby said.

 **Donut:** Where's Church?

 **Caboose:**  Church? Oh, um. He's not here right now.

"He doesn't even have the heart to admit that Church is gone for good." Blake muttered.

 **Donut:**  Where is he?

 **Caboose:**  Uh, he's um, he…

"Oh man, this is gonna be funny. I can just tell what's going to happen." Weiss said with a small chuckle,

"What do you mean?" Ruby asked as she paused the video,

"Think about it Ruby." Weiss said as she wrapped her arm around Ruby and pulled her closer, "Caboose, the same guy who can't even spell his own name right, telling the story of Church. Just imagine what he'll say, it won't make any sense at all and won't relate to anything about what happened. He'll probably say Church went to Heaven, pun intended, or Hell or that he's on a secret mission with 'Agent Washingtub'. Point is, I can predict what he will and won't say." Weiss said with a smug smile on her face,

"You just want to pretend you know what Caboose knows because I figured out Church was an A.I before you did." Blake said in a flat tone,

" _Pussy's got a point, Ice Queen_." Noire spoke up, " _I think you're jealous of her_."

"Wha-n-no, I'm not!" Weiss sputtered out, "Preposterous! Blasphemy! Haberdashery!"

"One, that's a hat shop." Ruby deadpanned, "And two, I don't know, it seems kind of obvious…"

"Sounds like a case of jealousy~" Yang sang out,

"Oh, SHUT THE FUCK UP YANG!" Weiss shouted,

" _Yo, you shut the fuck up_!" Noire yelled at Weiss,

"Please be quiet. I'm resuming the episode and I want to hear what Caboose says." Ruby told the Heiress a lot less harshly,

"Prepare to lose, Yang." Weiss said, "I know I'm right, and you know it too!"

"Oh, you are  _so_ on." Yang said with a smirk, "And if you lose, Blake's the smart one of Team RWBY."

"Please don't get me involved." Blake groaned as Ruby resumed the episode.

 **Caboose:** That's kind of, uh, um…  _[quickly]_  it turns out he's really a computer program based on some guy who ran the Freelancer project and he went with Agent Washington, he's a Freelancer who destroyed all the AIs that were left.

_Donut doesn't respond._

At that point, everyone's jaw just hit the floor with a resounding thud.

 **Caboose:**  Well, almost all.

"H-Hu… I-I-I… wh-what… how is this…" Weiss tried to form a sentence but she was so deep in shock that she couldn't,

"Would you look at that?" Yang said with a smug look on her face, "Caboose explained that better than you ever could! I guess that makes Blake the smart one!"

" _Shots fired_!" Noire called out,

"I said don't get me involved!" Blake growled at her partner,

"Too late!" Yang said happily,

"Oh shut up Yang!" Weiss shouted before smiling deviously, "Or should I say  _Sister_?"

" _Ooo… shots fired back_!" Noire called out while Ruby just shook her head in shame, " _Retaliation_?"

"God damn it!" Yang yelled out as her eyes turned red, "How many times I have to tell you, I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Only if you STOP ACTING LIKE HER, YOU DIRTY FUCKING WH-" Before Weiss could finish, Ruby jumped on her back and covered her mouth, muffling her constant swearing,

"Okay guys, that's enough! C'mon, let's keep this PG-13 before we  _say_   _something we regret_." Ruby growled the last part into Weiss' ear,

" _Make it MA-18 or above and we got a deal_." Noire said. Ruby sighed before nodding. She let go of Weiss before everyone sat back down into their seats, " _Sounds likes someone's getting close to her breaking point~_ "

"Oh shut up, you dirty fucking whore."

' _Meh, I've been called worse._ ' Noire thought, _'And thank you NebulaXYZ for the joke._ '

 **Donut:**  … How long was I asleep?

 **Caboose:**  Not that long.

"About three days." Weiss added.

 **Donut:**  ( _almost out of breath_ ) Listen… I don't know how long… I can stay awake. I need to give someone, on Blue Team, a message. … I promised.

"You promised who? Tucker? A new character maybe?" Blake muttered, "Why the Blues of all people anyway? Why couldn't they contact Command?"

"Tucker already did that, but Grif answered instead." Ruby reminded them, "He knows Command is useless and he's now asking for his closest allies to help."

"So basically his last resort?" Yang said in a flat tone,

"Oh yeah."

 **Caboose:** I know people on the Blue Team. People on the inside. You can give it to me.

" _If the standard issue blue armour has anything to say about it_." Noire said.

 **Donut:**  Tuck-

 **Caboose:**  Tuck! You want me to tuck? What do you want me to tuck? Wait, my mother told me to never tuck anything of anyone else's.

 **Donut:**  ( _dying_ ) Tucker…

"Fuck, he's losing him!" Yang exclaimed, "C'mon, you are literally Tucker's only hope! Don't you die on us!"

 **Caboose:**  Tucker?

 **Donut:**  He needs, help. Find him… ( _slouches over_ ) It's in… the sand… ( _collapses_ )

"We know he's in a desert but  _where_ specifically is he?" Weiss muttered, "Why do you have to be so damn cryptic Tucker when your own life is at stake?"

 **Caboose:**  It's in this and… this and what? ( _crouches_ ) Donut, this and what!? What is "this?" What, what, you're pocket? Is Tucker in your pocket? …I remember him being a lot bigger. Tucker! Are you in there!?

"He's doomed." Team RWBY and Noire said.

 **Sarge:**  ( _from outside_ ) Hey! Anybody here? Blue? Where are ya?

 **Caboose** : Tucker! Is that you? Why did you shrink? And why are you talking like a pirate?

" _He's not doomed_." Noire said, " _He's fucking screwed beyond all levels of Hell_."

 **Sarge:**  Hello?

 **Caboose:**  Hello! Yes, I hear you!

 **Sarge:**  Then get outside! I need to talk to you!

 **Caboose:**  ( _rises_ ) Out? …ohhh, oh, I see, I thought-hah… man, sometimes I am so dumb.

"Oh, don't get me started." Blake said.

 **Caboose:** ( _crouches again_ ) Hold on, Pocket Tucker! Someone outside wants to talk to me!

"And… now Tucker's beyond saving. Way to place your faith in the Blues, Tucker." Yang said.

 **Caboose:** ( _rises again_ ) Donut, you can rest here as long as you want. You must be tired from all of "this and." And other stuff. ( _leaves_ )

"Maybe Donut should've travelled without his pink armour." Ruby suggested, "It must've been like an oven in there."

 **Donut:**  ( _groaning_ ) No… It's not pink… it's lightish red…

"Okay, that's actually kinda freaky." Yang said as they girls leaned back on the couch.

 **Donut:** Hey, Sarge… I should totally get a jetpack… or a motorcycle…

_Scene changes; Caboose is outside with the other Reds._

**Caboose:**  Hi guys. Great to see you, wait. Unless you're here to blow me up. Then… not so great.

 **Sarge:**  We're looking for something we've, err… erm, lost.

"Yeah, that's an appropriate word you can use." Blake said, "I mean it."

 **Caboose:**  Is it the keys to your base? I do that a lot. But it's really easy to break in because, there are no doors.

"You know, these bases should've at least doors to provide some sort of security against the opposing team." Weiss commented.

 **Sarge:**  No, we're looking for something else. I'm not gonna tell you what it is and give you some kind of advantage.

 **Caboose:**  Can you describe it.

" _Yes, in four words_." Noire spoke up, " ** _He's in your base_**."

 **Grif:**  Yeah, it's pink…

 **Simmons:**  It's annoying…

 **Sarge:**  And it's kind of a spring in its step.

"One word less than yours Noire." Ruby said.

 **Caboose:**  Ohh. You mean Donut.

 **Sarge:**  Ah, yes! Where is he?

 **Caboose:**  He's in my base. He'll be staying with me for a little while.

 **Sarge:**  You've captured him? Diabolical…

"Okay, I can definitely see where this is going." Weiss groaned as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Sarge:** What are you doing with him!?

"Nothing! He just needs to rest. And a lot of water." Blake said.

 **Caboose:**  Don't worry. He's resting. Comfortably.

"Okay, now that sound like something a torturer would say." Yang said.

 **Grif:**  Ooh, that sounds ominous. Don't back down now, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Give him back!

 **Caboose:**  See, there's something he needed to tell me. I'll send him home after that.

" _It is pretty important. Tucker's life is in Donut's hands_." Noire muttered, " _His girly, probably manicured hands._ "

 **Sarge:**  Squeezing him for information, eh?

 **Simmons:**  Sarge, I don't think that he's-

 **Caboose:**  Hey. No one is squeezing anybody. I was just working with my tools and he-

 **Sarge:**  Torture!? You ungodly fiend! He won't give you any info! He'll die before he reveals anything! Hear that, Donut? You'll die before you talk! We all know that, keep up the good work!

"He almost revealed the Reds' entire plans from a Truth or Dare game.  _Torture_? He'll probably squeal as soon as he sees the guy." Blake pointed out, 'Actually, a lot of people do that as soon as they see us.' Blake thought. She had to admit, she enjoyed scaring the living shit out of her enemies.

 **Caboose:**  Actually, he already told me the beginning part.

 **Sarge:**  He told you about our secret new vehicle!? Damn it, Donut, you idiot!

 **Simmons:**  Sarge!

"God, he's revealing more secret stuff than Donut." Yang groaned.

 **Caboose:**  He told me about "this and."

 **Sarge:**  He told you about that  _and_  our new hologram chamber!? Donut, put a lid on it!

"No, you put a lid on it Sarge." Ruby said as she sighed.

 **Simmons:**  Sarge! ( _sighs_ ) I'm gonna go sleep under a tree. Come wake me up when the brain summit is over. ( _leaves_ )

"Yeah, Simmons has completely given up all hope in getting Sarge to not do something stupid." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  Are you kidding? I hope this lasts forever. Psst, hey Sarge. Maybe there's a ransom.

 **Sarge:**  Good thinking. What is it you want, Blue?

"You know, he could probably ask Sarge or Simmons to help him with his project. It's honestly killing me to not know what it is." Weiss said.

 **Caboose:**  What do I want? … Do you have any cookies?

 **Sarge:**  What are your demands? You have to give us your demands.

"That was his demand." Yang said, "Cough up the dough, bitch!" She punned,

"That… was actually good." Ruby admitted, "…It feels weird."

 **Caboose:**  I demand cookies!

 **Sarge:**  You're just toying with us! Your depravity knows no bounds!

" _He just wants cookies. No one has to get hurt_." Noire called out,

"Knowing Sarge, he'll probably have Grif try to kill himself in the oven." Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**  Yeah!

 **Caboose:**  Well, at least I don't go around… knocking on people's non-doors… and promising them cookies… ( _heads inside_ ) and then NOT. GIVING. THEM. COOKIES!  _(pops back out after a moment_ ) I'M! LEAVING! ( _returns inside_ )

"Wow, Sarge even managed to piss off  _Caboose_!" Yang exclaimed, genuinely surprised, "He may as well go into battle with only his shotgun because no one will follow him."

 **Sarge:**  Wait!

 **Grif:**  Hmm. Looks like negotiations have broken down. Should we call in a nuke strike?

" _Because everything can be solved with nukes_." Noire said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge:**  Negative. We've got a man in there! Well, you know… Donut.

"Okay, Donut may not be the most manly but may I remind everyone that Donut was with Tucker, meaning he must've become a real soldier like him." Weiss stated.

 **Donut:**  ( _from inside_ ) Ow! That hurt!

 **Sarge:**  Ow, listen to that! He's killing him in there!

"While it's nice to see he at least cares for his troops, I  _highly_ doubt that ouch was from torture." Yang deadpanned.

_Inside the base, Caboose is backing off away from Donut, who is still lying on the ground._

**Caboose:**  Oops! Sorry, Donut! Didn't mean to step on your hand like that. Are you okay?

"Called it!"

"Yes, Yang. Yes you did." Blake said.

 **Donut:**  Wh, what happened? Who was that?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, that was your team, they're playing some kind of prank. … Offering snacks and then not giving snacks…

"You are way off Caboose, although I do hate people when they do that." Ruby said as she glared at Weiss, "Especially when it happens to Ruby Rose." She added quietly as Weiss just laughed nervously.

 **Donut:**  I hate when they do that.

Ruby then turned her Death Glare of Cute to the others, who only looked away.

 **Donut:** Who was it?

 **Caboose:**  Uh, it was Red Sergeant and Grif. They were working together while Simmons was laying under a tree, being lazy.

"And yes, it does sound as weird as it is." Blake muttered.

 **Donut:**  What the…? How long was I asleep this time?

( _After a few seconds…_ )

 **Sarge:**  Donut! Just don't tell 'em we have Lopez back!

"And the Biggest Spoiler award goes to Sarge of Red Team!" Yang announced, "He also receives the The-Majority-Of-Your-Team-Hates-You award, and throw in the Douchebag of the Year award, he deserves all of them!"

" _And thus ends the Worst Award Ceremony Ever._ " Noire said, ' _Thank you Warlord-Xana for the joke.'_

"Of all time." Weiss added before face palming, "FUCK!"

"When are you gonna stop saying that?" Yang asked as she laughed at Weiss' misery,

"At this rate, when she dies." Blake joked. Weiss quickly sent a glare at the two,

"OH SHUT UP!" The Heiress shouted as everyone else started laughing at Weiss. Both Rubies smiled at they watch the antics of her team. Sure, they were probably going to kill each other by the end of the summer, they knew that, but it was times like these that made her realize that maybe getting trapped at Beacon wasn't such a bad idea after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	55. The Better It Gets (Catching Up, Local Host, One New Message)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue are RT property and I copied it off the wiki.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was times like these that made Ruby feel glad she was trapped in Beacon with her friends, her teammates. People she loved. Hell, she even considered Noire as a friend, although barely. Sure, she knew she wasn't the real Ruby but she also knew Real Ruby shared the same feelings. She knew eventually she had to go back into Ruby's mind and switch Phases, so she may well enjoy her time outside with people she cared about, even if they didn't really know her.

She was… happy. Content with the situation she was in. Like it was destiny that they would be trapped. That it was meant to happen. And she was fine with that.

'I'm going insane…' Real Ruby thought as she watched her team continuing to argue. Okay, maybe it was the fact that she's been trapped within herself for weeks talking but at least she was trapped in Beacon with her friends,

"STOP CALLING ME SISTER!" Yang shouted angrily,

"SO STOP CALLING ME CHURCH & WASH'S LOVE CHILD!" Weiss shouted back,

" _Ten bucks says Weiss' gonna pull out Myrtenaster first._ " Noire said as she and her fellow Faunus (I guess) watched on,

"You know what, I'll take that action." Blake replied as she ate some popcorn,

'Let me tract that. We're probably going to die at this rate if we don't keep our sanity.' T'Ambrose thought before yelling out, "STOP THIS NONSENSE!" She was just in time as Yang had her gauntlets loaded and ready for a fight, "As team leader, even if I'm technically not, I order you two shut up and apologize to each other, now!"

"She started it!" Team Puma exclaimed as they pointed at each other,

"I don't care who started it! Now, make up!" The Brawler and Heiress just looked at each other before muttering their apologies, "MORE POWER!"

"Alright!" Weiss exclaimed before turning to Yang, "I'm sorry I called you Sister! It was uncalled for and I should know better."

"Fine. Sorry for calling you Church & Wash's love child." Yang said, "…But you have to adm-" She suddenly heard Ruby growl at her, so she kept her mouth shut. Then Ruby turned to Blake & Noire,

"And you two! You should've been trying to break up that fight! Noire, I know you would love to that, but really Blake?  _Really_!?" Ruby said, "I expected more from you!"

" _I did want to see a cat fight…_ " Noire admitted, before she felt her new favourite toy activate and felt a really powerful jolt run down her spine… as well as the rest of her body, " _Meow… Chicka… Meow Meow._ " Noire groaned. Blake & Ruby only shook their heads in shame for just knowing that she existed, let alone knowing that she has a catchphrase. Even if it was copied,

"Anyway…" Ruby muttered as she turned her attention back to Blake, "Explain why you didn't interfere with the argument that was happening right in front of you, let alone  _why you_   _bet on it_!" Blake was about to answer but then T'Ambrose turned on an even worse version of Ruby's trademarked Death Glare of Cute.

And it was so adorable, yet so terrifying at the same time.

"I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry that I've committed these sins." Blake said, "I blame Noire."

" _HEY_!" Noire exclaimed as she got back up,

"Enough! Everyone, sit down!" Ruby ordered. The team and Noire did as they were told and sat down on the couch, "Now, I get it. Tensions are high. We haven't seen anyone else for weeks, we have rescue coming now, and we've all been under a lot of stress because of all the antics and drama we've experienced for the past six or seven weeks and Noire's arrival didn't exactly help. No offense."

" _None taken._ "

"But if we don't stop tearing each other apart we'll never make it to the last season of RvB! Now, let's all stay calm and enjoy another set of episodes." Ruby said calmly as she gave Yang the remote and sat down,

"You do remember Red vs Blue also causes arguments too." Yang pointed out,

"Well… just press play, please! For the sake of mine, Ruby's and the entire team's sanity." Yang just shrugged and pressed play.

**(Catching Up)**

_Starts with the Counselor debriefing Donut._

**Counselor:**  Private Donut, we want to debrief you now that your tour at Blood Gulch is over.

 **Donut:**  Great! Wait… over?

"Hm, it looks like this is after the BGC disbanded." Blake said,

" _You know, if this was anyone else in the Blood Gulch Crew, they would be their 'tour' in Blood Gulch is over._ " Noire spoke up, " _I guess Donut was the only one who like being at Blood Gulch, apart from Caboose and maybe Sarge._ "

 **Counselor:**  I'm just going to ask you some, standard questions to rate your experience, and I will be filling out a form based on your responses. Do you understand?

 **Donut:**  Yes, sir.

 **Counselor:**  All right, then let's begin. During your employment, you were assigned to the Red Team. Is that correct?

"Well, it is technically a shade of red." Ruby said, "It's like a light-"

"Ruby T'Ambrose, I love you, but shut the Hell up." Yang said kindly.

 **Donut:**  That's right! You can tell by my lightish-red armor.

 **Counselor:**  I'm, a bit confused. By "lightish-red…" do you mean "pink?"

 **Donut:**  No. I mean "lightish-red."

_Brief but awkward silence._

"The Counselor's obviously isn't used to this amount of intelligence." Weiss muttered.

 **Counselor:**  Let's come back to this during the free-form period.

 **Donut:**  Okie-doke.

 **Counselor:**  Now, as to your experience in Blood Gulch, would you say it was…

_Words list on the screen as the Counselor says them._

**Counselor:**  Satisfactory, somewhat satisfactory, or, unsatisfactory?

"Great, another totally lame questionnaire that tries to manipulate how you feel." Weiss groaned as she rubbed her head,

"Care to elaborate?" Ruby asked, very interested in learning more about this subject. Weiss sighed before she started explaining,

"I had to fill out questionnaires after testing out my family's products, most of which were awful by the way, and they were a lot like this. I always found it to be annoying, but I got angry when I found out about the psychology behind how they were worded."

"Why do words matter?" Yang asked, "Just fill it up and get on with your life, Princess."

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire quickly added.

*BZZT!*

"Shut up." Blake growled, "We're trying to discuss something serious right now!"

" _I… regret… nothing_ …" Noire said weakly from the ground, " _I live… as few men… and women… dare to dream..._ "

"Now, with that out of the way, what's the psychology behind the words?" Blake asked, as if nothing has happened,

"Well…" Weiss started, only to get interrupted by T'Ambrose before she could say more,

"Well, because the worst description is 'Unsatisfactory'. It subconsciously suggests that the experience wasn't as bad as the reader thinks it was because there isn't a negative answer that comes anywhere near how the horrible actual experience was, which for the Blood Gulch Crew was  _beyond_ terrible. That's why schools give grade as Satisfactory to Unsatisfactory in certain countries, to encourage students to improve, rather than straight up saying you failed. Imagine getting an F- compared to getting an Unsatisfactory result on a test, and tell me which one sounds the least harsh." Ruby explained,

"You knew that?" Weiss asked in disbelief,

"No. But I did deduce most of it when you said that there was psychology behind it." Ruby answered as she pushed up her glasses as if to punctuate her statement. Weiss just huffed and puffed out her cheeks,

'I wish had caught on that fast.' Weiss thought,

"Maybe the smartest member of our group isn't Blake, but this 'Delta' Ruby." Yang said, "Even if she acts like someone who just arrived on Remnant."

"Actually, Real Ruby  _is_ smart, she just tends not to use her head most of the time." Ruby stated,

"Hey, I was younger than her when I found out!" Weiss yelled out, pissed that Yang thought Blake was the smart one of the team,

"And I told you to leave me out of this!" Blake exclaimed,

" _And I believe since Ruby is currently the most logical one of the team right now, she should hold my remote for my shock collar._ " Noire added.

*BZZT!*

"You don't get a vote." Blake growled,

" _Racist._ " Noire moaned,

"And you just illustrated her point." Ruby spoke up, "You obviously have a grudge and will use whatever excuse you can to press that button." She then held out her hand, "Give it here, young lady." The girls couldn't help but think about Goodwitch based on the tone Ruby used. Blake sighed as she rubbed her forehead,

"Fine…" Blake said like she was 7 years old and told to go to bed, and handed over the remote,

" _You know, you look cute when you give up._ " Noire teased,

'And I'm regretting this already.' Blake thought, before her thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of electrocution,

"Whoops! My finger slipped!" Ruby quickly apologized as she tried to help Noire recover. Noire just slapped Ruby's hand away, grabbed the remote and gave it back to Blake,

" _One, that's the oldest excuse in the book. And two, I trust Pussy more than you._ " Were Noire's only reasons for giving Blake the remote back, ' _Thank you rt fan for the joke_!'

 **Donut:**  I would say… satisfactory.

" _And I was right._ " Noire said.

 **Counselor:**  All right. Now I want you to look at this picture.

_A picture in the corner of the screen enlarges. It's the desert the Reds & Blues woke up at during Season 2._

"Okay, why are they showing the wasteland the Reds and Blues 'landed' at?" Yang asked,

"Well, maybe there's something unique about the place that the Reds & Blues found." Weiss guessed,

"Well, that cow skull was very interesting…" Ruby muttered sarcastically.

 **Donut:**  Oh hey, I know where that is.

 **Counselor:**  Which of the follow best describes this picture? Would you say it is, A: the new location where you team was assigned; B: the source of a mysterious energy reader; or, C-

 **Donut:**  That's just where we landed.

 **Counselor:**  …where you landed. Can you elaborate?

"Let me sum it up." Yang spoke up, "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bomb, bullshit, horseshit, bullshit, future."

" _And that's exactly how it happened_!" Noire said.

 **Donut:**  Yeah. We were diffusing a bomb by this guy "Omega," but then the bomb went off, and it was just this huge explosion that it totally threw us into the future, and we landed there in that place.

 **Counselor:**  I'm not sure I understand… The future?

 **Donut:**  Sarge said that since we were surrounded by ice when the bomb went off, and then it was all sand, the Ice Age must've ended, and that would've taken a  _really_  long time. So, it must've pushed us into the future.

 **Counselor:**  …

"It makes sense if you're an idiot." Weiss said,

"Uh, now that think about it, the bomb could've just blown the ice away and made it into a wasteland." Ruby muttered to herself, "But I'm wondering why, out of all places, have Donut focus on that."

 **Counselor:** I… don't have a check box for that. So I'm just going to write down "other"…

 **Donut:**  Yeah, "other" works. I like other!

 **Counselor:**  Well, I suppose there's no reason to ask the rest of our questions. Thank you for a very… enlightening interview.

"Well, this went just as well as Wash's meetings with Sister & Sarge, if not worse." Blake said.

_Cuts back to Blue Base, where Donut, now standing up, is speaking to Caboose._

**Donut:**  So, then after that, they transferred me to that new base. I guess we left before we were supposed to do what they wanted us to.

 **Caboose:**  That's a pretty crazy story, Donut.

"No, it's not that insane, but it is rather strange." Weiss muttered.

 **Donut:**  But when I got there, all I found was the distress beacon from Tucker.

_Scene cuts to a flashback with Donut approaching the said beacon. A silhouette dashes across the area and Donut looks around for it._

**Donut**  (current) **:**  It said to get Church. I think Tucker was captured. There was something there.

"Soldiers from a rouge faction? Mercenaries? Aliens?" Ruby guessed, "Whatever it is, Tucker needs help soon or else he's dead."

"If he isn't already." Yang added.

_Cuts back to present time._

**Donut:**  Something scary.

 **Caboose:**  That sounds scary.

 **Donut:**  Yeah… ( _looks at the Epsilon unit beside him, which is making some noise_ ) Hey, this thing sure makes a racket.

"It isn't really that loud." Blake said, "Though, I'm wondering why Epsilon is making that strange noise."

" _Maybe it's a distress beacon like Recovery Agents use, or maybe it's trying to talk._ " Noire said, " _We just have to wait and find out._ "

 **Caboose:**  Who, Epsilon? Yeah, it does that when you talk to it. It loves when people tell it stories. Especially about things that have happened to us, and… and people we've met.

 **Donut:**  You've been telling it stories?

 **Caboose:**  Yeah you know, to the best of my memory.

"He can't even remember Donut's name, and he's practically his only real friend." Yang said.

 **Donut:**  The best of  _your_  memory?

 **Caboose:**  Yeah…

 **Donut:**  I bet those were some pretty weird stories.

"Actually, from what we've seen before, Caboose's stories have been pretty accurate so far." Ruby pointed out, "Though, I do believe he messed up a few details."

 **Donut:** So… what is it?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, it's a memory component from a bigger A.I. that a bunch of scientists wanted to copy to make more, but they couldn't. So they drove it crazy until it developed this split personality, and then they harvested all the different personalities for their experiments. Yeah.

" _It's still so fucking weird to have Caboose understand everything_." Noire muttered.

 **Donut:**  Pretty weird.

 **Caboose:**  I'm using it, part of Tex's body, parts of Sheila to make a new super best friend. …but it's not going so well. …I lit myself on fire.

"Multiple times, actually." Blake added,

"So Caboose's secret project is to build Epsilon a new body." Weiss said in disbelief, "…You know, I should've seen this coming."

" _Plus, he's using Tex's body and if Epsilon happens to be a girl…_ " Noire said as she got a perverted look on her face,

"I wonder where her shock collar is." Yang said causally as she watched Noire get shocked,

"Yeah, I don't see it anywhere on her body." Ruby said,

" _You don't wanna know_." Noire groaned as she sat back onto the couch.

 **Donut:**  Where did you get it?

 **Caboose:**  We were on a big adventure, kind of like your adventure, and then we needed help kind of like you need help, and then we needed some help and we got help from somebody. It was very helpful.

"That's a lot of help." Yang said, "Pun intended."

 **Donut:**  Well… could the person who helped  _you_  help us now?

"Agent Washington? I don't think he can help." Ruby said, "He probably has had enough of military life and probably retired, if he isn't dead." The girls collectively sighed sadly at the thought of Wash dying from his wounds caused by the Meta.

 **Caboose:**  Ohhh. Oh?

_Cuts to Washington._

"Holy shit, Wash!" The RWBYs and Noire exclaimed,

"Oh thank God, he's alive." Weiss said as she sighed in relief.

 **Guard:**  Washington! Got a call for you.

 **Washington:** Call for me? Who even knows I'm here?

" _Well, he doesn't exactly have many friends_." Noire muttered.

 **Guard:**  Came in on your personal secure channel. They routed it to us. ( _Washington begins to leave._ ) You can take it in here if you want.

 **Washington:** Thanks.

 **Guard:**  Three minutes!

"That's a bit odd." Blake muttered, "Maybe Wash's on a schedule or something."

 **Washington:**  ( _stops_ ) What? Oh, yeah, okay.

_A phone is ringing and stops when Washington answers the call._

**Washington:**  This is Agent-um… this is Washington. Who's there?

"So, he sacrifices everything to stop the Meta and they reward him by revoking his Agent status." Weiss said, "Actually, that's practically the best thing that's ever happened to Wash."

"Hell, after all the crap that's happened, I'd settle for a desk job." Yang admitted,

"In his armour?" Ruby pointed out,

"Well, you have to be prepared for anything."

 **Caboose:**  Agent Washington!

 **Washington:** Oh, dear Lord. Caboose? How did you even find me?

" _I'm gonna take a wild guess and say he guessed_." Noire said.

 **Caboose:**  You are on my computer screen! I just looked at it!

 **Washington:** No, I mean… never mind. What's going on, are you okay? I haven't heard anything about you.

 **Caboose:**  Oh yeah, I'm good.

"There's only been three or four fires a day. Nothing too interesting." Weiss added.

 **Caboose:** How about you?

 **Washington:** All things considered, guess I should be glad to be alive.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah… did you get a big medal from beating Project Freelancer?

"I don't think so since they revoked his Agent status. But definitely deserves one." Ruby said.

 **Washington:** Yeah. Sure. I got a bunch more metal in my life now. How about you?

 **Caboose:**  They gave us shiny new bases! The Reds have their place, and I have my own place! It's kind of cool! I think I'm gonna get a drum set.

"Yeah, go start a band with Donut." Yang said, "I can already see the name of the band. Pinky Toe: In tribute of Caboose's lost pinky toe from Season 2."

 **Washington:** …Yeah. Wait. Seriously? You have a new base?

 **Caboose:**  Well, it's not  _new_ -new. They gave us the ones that were abandoned from Project Freelancer.

 **Washington:** They  _gave_  you a base.

"It's like giving someone a free home." Blake said.

 **Caboose:**  What, you didn't get a new base too?

_Camera switches to see a sign. In white letters, it says "UNSC Maximum Security Detention Facility"_

"Oh…" The RWBYs and Noire said as they read the sign,

"You gotta be kidding me…" Ruby groaned,

"You saved day and stopped a monster from killing everyone. Congratulations! You're under arrest." Weiss said mockingly, "Fucking assholes…"

"And I thought the UNSC would've been nicer." Blake muttered,

" _The UNSC is just as good as Freelancer Command._ " Noire sighed,

"Awkward~" Yang sang out as she pulled on her collar and gulped.

 **Washington:** …No. No, I didn't.

 **Caboose:**  Well, you can come here and share my base with me. Oh! We need your help! Can you come right away? Can you come help us?

"Um, I don't think that happening anytime soon." Weiss said.

 **Washington:** I don't think that's going to happen.

 **Guard:**  ( _approaches Washington from behind_ ) All right, Washington. Back in your cell.

 **Washington:** Guard, I need to see the Commander. Now.

The girls raised their eyebrows as soon as they heard this, "Wait, what is Wash doing?" Blake muttered to herself. She had a bad feeling about this.

 **Guard:**  Yeah, right. Why the hell would I let you do that?

 **Washington:** Because I think I just found the missing piece to his puzzle.

"' _Puzzle'_?" Noire repeated, " _Wait, does he mean Caboose_?  _Caboose is the missing puzzle piece_?"

"Maybe it's Epsilon." Yang guessed,

"Likely, but Epsilon wasn't mention throughout the whole call." Weiss pointed out, "Hell, the only new information Caboose gave Wash was that they gave the Reds and Blues new bases."

"But maybe that's what tipped him off." Ruby said, "Project Freelancer ran the Red vs Blue 'war'. If the Freelancer is really over, they should've been disbanded by now."

"I guess you're right, but there's only one way to find out." Blake said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Local Host)**

_Caboose and Donut end their transmission with Washington._

**Caboose:**  Hello? Hello? Agent Washington! Are you there? Hello? Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

"Uh… I'm pretty sure he hung up on you, Caboose." Yang said.

 **Donut:**  Umm, I think he hung up.

 **Caboose:**  No, I don't think so… I don't think he'd do anything like that-hello! Hello.

"He's still not there." Blake said, "Apparently he's talking to the Commander, whoever the hell that is."

 **Donut:**  Okay. Well, I think I'll just head back to my base. If you can think of anything to help me with that desert situation, just give me a ring.

 **Caboose:**  Okay.

 **Donut:**  You need any help with your Frankenstein-friend project?

"Yeah, have him hold the fire extinguisher while you spontaneously combust." Ruby suggested.

 **Caboose:**  Oh, no, but uh, if you see any mechanical parts laying around that… look friendly, would you save them for us?

"I guess Caboose doesn't know much about what he's doing. He's just throwing parts together and seeing what sticks." Weiss muttered,

" _That kinda explains the fires… I think_." Noire said.

 **Donut:**  Well, sure! I can ask Sarge if he used his underground secret workshop. I heard the guys talking about it, it sounded cool.

 **Caboose:**  Oh right, they mentioned that earlier when they came by to pick you up.

"Well, it isn't that much of a secret when it's already out there." Weiss said as she sighed.

 **Donut:**  He doesn't usually like letting the enemy use our equipment, but maybe I'll catch him in a good mood.

 **Caboose:**  Oh, you could try killing the orange one first! That would probably put him in a great mood!

"Nah, I'm betting he would be depressed because he didn't finish the job." Yang said.

 **Donut:**  Yeah… that's a good idea and all, but… we have all these rules against killing people from our own team.

"Well, apart from Grif." Blake added, "He's expendable in any situation to Sarge."

 **Caboose:**  Lame.

"Of course he would say that…" Ruby muttered as she groaned.

 **Donut:**  Tell me about it.

 **Caboose:**  No I don't think we have rules like that on Blue Team.

" _And that's why you're alone_." Noire said, " _For the safety of others… and that's it_."

 **Donut:**  Man. Our team sucks. ( _leaves through the man cannon_ )

 **Caboose:**  Ohhh. So that's how that works.

"Didn't he use it last season?" Blake asked,

"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that he made his way to Wash on foot." Yang answered, before the girls giggled at the memory of Church's first launch, before sighing sadly.

 **Caboose:** ( _heads downstairs_ ) Secret underground workshop, huh? Well, I have to try something. I don't seem to be very good about doing this on my own. ( _A random ignition occurs to his right._ ) All right, now how did that even start!?

" _Well, it's official: Caboose is hopeless with technology._ " Noire said,

"Is it because of that fire? Hell, I'm not that great with it, but at least I don't cause random fires." Yang spoke up,

" _Really_ …" Weiss said as she looked at the Brawler accusingly, "May I recall you trying to find Cinder's base, and not only were we caught on the other side of the hideout, but your Scroll exploded after you _somehow_ made it alert her of our position."

"She bugged it!"

"You were borrowing Velvet's Scroll! No one notices Velvet, let alone cares!"

(With JNPR & RVW)

Suddenly, Velvet sneezed in the middle of her turn, "Ugh, I think someone's talking about me." The Rabbit Faunus said she rubbed her nose, "And Sun, remind me to steal Coco's weapon."

"Why?" Sun asked,

"I don't know… but for some reason, I want to destroy Weiss." Jaune, Ren & Sun looked at each other before slowly but surely shift away from Velvet, "Okay, where was I? Oh yes, I ACTIVATE MY SPELL CARD, DARK HOLE! All monsters are sent to the Graveyard!"

"That's a banned card!" Jaune exclaimed,

"We made a rule. No ban list, remember?" Velvet reminded her opponent with a smirk. And thus started the most humiliating defeat in Yu-Gi-Oh in history.

(Back to Team RWBY & Noire)

' _He just had to add that in…_ ' Noire thought with a groan, ' _Thank you aznalpha for the joke_!'

_Cuts to Red Team, discussing their plans right outside the Red Base._

**Sarge:**  Man, with Donut captured, I think we should abandon our previous plans of not attacking the Blues and institute a new plan, of attacking the Blues.

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere!" Blake said, fed up with all the nonsense, "Now hurry up and fail so we can get on with our lives."

 **Simmons:**  Good.

 **Sarge:**  Winning the war is one thing, but having a man captured is quite another. I can't stand by knowing we've left a man behind! ( _turns to Grif_ ) So I need a volunteer to run a suicide rescue mission. This won't be easy, and you're almost certain to die!

"Yeah, go all Commander Shepard on that shit." Weiss muttered sarcastically, "And make sure there's a different coloured explosion this time! Preferably yellow!"

 **Grif:**  Why are you looking at me when you say that?

 **Sarge:**  Thanks for volunteering, Grif!

"Of course." Yang said as she sighed, "When is it not a suicide mission?"

"When everyone's loyal." Ruby said, "Meaning no one will survive."

 **Sarge:** _(Donut is seen approaching behind the Red Leader from the hill.)_ Now the plan is to run straight at Blue Base, grab Donut, and carry him home over your shoulder, even if he's not hurt. That way when the Blues track you down to kill ya, Donut will still have fresh legs to run home and avoid recapture.

 **Simmons:**  Um, sir?

" _I'm_   _sorry, Sarge, but Donut just rescued himself_." Noire said.

 **Sarge:**  Quiet, Simmons! ( _Donut is now standing beside Sarge._ ) You've been too unreliable lately for a suicide mission. I think I need to go with a pro.'

"You'd think he'd notice the man in pink, right?" Weiss stated, "Because sure as hell, I would."

 **Grif:**  Gee thanks, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Just get him back here! I can't stand Donut being captured another minute!

 **Donut:**  Aw, that's sweet, Sarge! Thank you!

 **Sarge:**  What the-?

"Mission Accomplished. Alright, pack up everyone!" Yang called out.

 **Grif:**  Mission accomplished, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Excellent work, Private Grif!

"That sounds so… weird." Weiss admitted.

 **Grif:**  Thanks, sir. Request permission to go AWOL for a few months?

"Uh… wouldn't that count as 'Absent  _With_ Leave'?" Ruby pointed out.

 **Sarge:**  Permission denied.

 **Grif:**  Eh. Had to try.

" _No. No you didn't_." Noire said.

 **Sarge:**  Donut, you're back! Are you okay? You look fine to me.

 **Donut:**  I do? Well, I did switch to a new armor polish recently. Thanks for noticing, Sarge.

"Well, his armour does look shinier." Blake admitted.

 **Sarge:**  No, I mean they didn't hurt ya!

 **Donut:**  Hurt me? Oh no, not at all. And it's not a "them" over there, it's only a "him." They only have one guy now.

 **Sarge:**  Just one soldier, eh? That seems like it could be a tactical advantage.

"For the love of God, you've known that for ages, you dumbass!" Weiss shouted.

 **Simmons:**  We already knew that!

 **Sarge:**  And now it's confirmed.

"It's been confirmed about three times already!" Yang shouted as well, "THREE!"

 **Grif:**  Permission to switch Simmons to the Blue Team, sir?

 **Sarge:**  Permission denied.

 **Grif:**  Eh. Had to try.

"No you didn't Grif." Ruby said as she sighed, "Anyway, he was already on Blue Team kicking himself out."

 **Simmons:**  Fuck it! I'm gonna go help Lopez with the jeep. ( _runs off_ )

 **Sarge:**  Okay, Donut. I want as much information as possible. Let's get you debriefed.

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire quickly said.

*BZZT!*

" _Okay_ ,  ** _THAT'S IT_**!" Noire shouted as she grabbed the remote and started smashing it with her foot, before smashing it with a tennis racket, and for good measure the golf club Bitch Ruby used on Blake. It even still had her blood on it, " _Fucking there_!" Noire said as she did one final swing to make sure the remote was completely destroyed, " _Ha_!  _I like to see you try and shock m-_ "

*BZZT!*

"You should really start checking your belongings." Blake said while Noire was peacefully smoking on the floor, "I found, like, a dozen of these for your shock collar just in case it gets 'misplaced' or broken 'by accident'."

"Seriously though, where  _is_ your shock collar?" Yang asked as she did one last check to see where it is,

" _None of your fucking business_!" Noire shouted as the Blonde, now in a grumpy mood, " _Your ass is mine, Warlord-Xana._ " When the RWBYs saw the look on Noire's face, all they could think about was the time Noire ranted about Sister's abortions and that she had the same look on her face. They quickly shifted away from the perverted cat girl.

 **Donut:**  That sounds like fun. Boy, things have  _really_  changed around here.

 **Sarge:**  That's not what I meant!

"Almost every word Donut says has a double meaning to it." Ruby muttered, "…I need a cookie."

_Cuts to Caboose, watching from afar._

**Caboose:**  Okay, Epsilon. Let's get in there.  _[whispers]_  And try to stay quiet. It's sneaking time.

"Cue the spy music!" Yang called out.

_Caboose runs off towards Red Base. The scene cuts to Simmons standing beside Lopez, who is fixing the jeep. Caboose is hiding behind one of the barricades beside them and spontaneously pops up from behind other barricades and boxes as he gets closer to the two Reds._

"Uh… okay?" Weiss said, "Although, I do get the whole thing with Caboose being incredibly stealthy, I know they used three separate Cabooses for the scene."

 **Simmons:**  No, no. That one goes there, this one goes here.

 **Lopez:**   _This argument is redundant. I know what corresponds to where._

"Damn it, they don't even have subtitles for this!" Blake complained, cursing her lost ability to speak different languages,

" _I know what he's saying_." Noire spoke up, " _Lopez said…_ "

"You know, because you took it from me!" Blake shouted at her "twin",

"' _Took it from you'? You never had it to begin with_!" Suddenly, a lot of mental vinyl records screeched to a halt,

"Wait, what?" Yang said, breaking the 5 minutes of silence,

" _Yeah… I sorta 'gave' it to her. Even put in some false memories just to not raise suspicion. When I left to get my body, I took back what was mine._ " Noire explained, " _And you really thought you could speak 9 languages in a few years._ "

"Wait, that doesn't make sense." Ruby said, "You were 'born' roughly around Season 2 or 3 as Blake's other personality. How do you know nine different languages when you-ugh…" Ruby groaned as she clutched her head,

"Ruby, what's wrong?" Weiss asked,

"Nothing." T'Ambrose lied. There was this burning sensation at the back of her head, telling her to stop talking, "Just, fuck, you're confusing."

" _I aim to please._ "

"Just translate the fucking dialogue." Blake growled,

" _Fine! Fine! Lopez just said that he knows what he's doing and he doesn't need Simmons telling him what to do._ "

"Well, that was a waste of five minutes." Yang muttered before they continued the episode.

 **Simmons:**  Here, just let me do it, give me your wrench.

 **Lopez:**   _This is a hammer you fucking idiot._

"Oh! Now they put subtitles!"

"SHUT UP BLAKE!" RWY & Noire snapped at the Faunus,

"Okay, that felt weird." Ruby admitted, "Have we ever yelled at Blake as a team?"

"No, I don't think so." Yang answered, "Well, there's a first for everything! Right Pussy Cat? …Pussy Cat?"

"Uh… she's one the ceiling…" Weiss said as everyone looked up to see Blake holding onto dear life,

" _You're really pushing the whole cat girl thing to a new level, huh_?" Noire called out. Blake then proceeded to use her bullets as her response, " _Okay, shutting up now_!" When Blake came back to ground level, they continued watching.

 **Caboose** : ( _crouched, sneaking passed the jeep_ )  _[whispers to self]_  I am sneaking, I am sneaking.

_Scene cuts to Sarge. The metal box behind him begins to slide on its own towards the Red Base as the Reds are talking._

"Yeah, Caboose, no suspects the giant moving metal box." Yang said sarcastically.

 **Sarge:**  Did you tell him anything?

"Nothing we and Caboose already know, actually." Ruby answered.

 **Donut:**  Not really. It seems like they had most of the information anyway.

 **Sarge:**  What?

 **Donut:**  Yeah! I was actually surprised by how much information he had gathered about our weapons and facilities.

 **Sarge:**  We've got a leak! Grif, found out who's been jammin'!

"Don't worry, we already found him!" Weiss called out, "And we're looking right at him!"

_Caboose continues to sneak towards the Red Base, chanting in a whisper, "Sneaking sneaking, sneaking" to himself as Grif silently watches him pass._

**Sarge:**  Grif, can you find the leak or not!?

" _Uh, well, it's not exactly a leak_ …" Noire said as she watched this horror show of stealth, " _It's more like busted pipe spewing out shit from you guys_."

"Thank you _,_ for putting that disgusting mental image in my head." Blake said,

" _Like I said, I aim to please._ "

_Caboose (the giant metal box in broad daylight) crashes into something and stops moving._

**Caboose:**   _[whispers]_  Oh! What was that?

"Everything wrong about Red Team." Yang answered, "Specifically their leader."

 **Grif:**  I'll get right on that, sir. I'm sure the leak is someone very close to us. Specifically, someone very nearby me.

"He means Sarge, right?" Blake said.

_Scene cuts to the simulation room inside the Red Base, with Caboose._

**Caboose:**  There's nothing here? This room is boring!  _[making echoes]_  Boring, boring… boring… boring… boring… boring…

"Wait, wasn't there some passcode or something to get into the room in the first place?" Ruby asked,

" _Yeah… the Reds don't have the best security_." Noire replied.

 **Caboose:** ( _turns to Epsilon, who is making noise_ ) Epsilon, shush!

"Hey, what's Epsilon doing?" Weiss muttered to herself.

 **Caboose:** ( _Epsilon gets louder_ ) Epsilon, seriously! Stop it. They're going to hear you!

_Screen fades to black. A warping noise is heard, indicating that a hologram is activating._

**Caboose:**  …it's you…!

"What was that noise? Who's 'you'? Dammit! Not another cliffhanger…" Yang groaned,

"Well, we still have one episode left in the set. We may as well start find out now." Weiss said,

"Yeah, the day isn't over yet." Blake added, "We still have plenty of time to watch this season."

"Shouldn't we save it for another time, just to build up some suspense?" Ruby asked,

" _We could do that, but this has become routine. There's no point in breaking it._ " Noire replied,

"Fine. Let's finish this set and find out the fuck is happening." Yang said. And with that, the Heiress pressed play.

**(One New Message)**

_Starts with the simulation room of the Red Base. The Epsilon unit opens up and emits a hologram of the AI, Delta._

**Caboose:**  It's you!

 **Delta:**  Hello, Caboose.

"WHAT!?" The entirety of team RWBY and Noire yelled out. They were shocked to the logical green A.I back in the land of the living, despite being erased by the E.M.P (or 'emp' to some people) during the Reds & Blues' attack on Command.

 **Delta:** It seems fitting to say that it is good to see you again. Although, technically, that is untrue…

"B-But, you died. How are you even back!?" Blake stammered out, still dealing with the fact that Delta was technically back from the grave, 'Then again, I guess you could consider the Meta the ' mass grave…'

 **Caboose:**  Delta! I thought you were gone! I thought you were erased at the… eh… electronic thing whose name some people have trouble remembering.

Ruby quickly glared at all her of her teammates, who were in the middle of opening their mouths, "Not. A word. On the pronunciation. Or else." Ruby growled,

" _Or else **what**_?" Noire taunted. Ruby only responded by snatching Noire's shock collar remote off of Blake, " _Okay_!  _Okay_!  _I give_! _I give_!" Ruby only smiled as she gave the remote back.

 **Delta:**  Actually, this is not Delta. We simply thought that you would be most comfortable speaking to Delta.

"Wait,  _we_?" Ruby asked.

 **Caboose:**  We?

Ruby just sighed as Yang patted her on the back, "Well, I think this confirms you're like Caboose even when you're not you." Yang said,

"Oh, shut up. At least I'm not Sister." Yang just grumbled and crossed her arms in response, resisting the urge to throw her younger sister out a window. Mostly because they were running out.

 **Delta:**  Yes. Epsilon strongly remembers all the other AI in fragments. When Alpha went insane, Epsilon carried the burden of those memories. We can appear as anyone, in this case, Delta, whom, from your stories, was a trusted source of information for you. Therefore, we felt it best that we take his likeness for this conversation.

"So, you mean that Epsilon remembers all the fragments, even though he technically never met them. Damn it, no wonder Wash went insane!" Weiss said. She then felt a twinge of guilt for calling the Freelancer insane,

"Oh, so you're calling Ruby insane for having multiple personalities, Weiss?" T'Ambrose asked as she looked at her partner accusingly,

"Unless you have something as crazy as whatever the fuck made the Meta go insane, then no." Weiss replied, "…But you are an overly hyper cookie addicted manic."

"HEY!"

"But at least you're not insane."

' _Thank you Xehanorto for the joke_!' Noire thought quickly.

 **Caboose:**  Oh. That makes sense.

 **Delta:**  Yes. We thought, you would say that.

 **Caboose:**  So you can… appear as anyone?

"Maybe. But I guess it makes more sense if Epsilon shows up as an A.I rather than a person." Blake answered,

"Plus, most of the people they've met are assholes or wimps." Yang added.

 **Delta:**  Theoretically, yes. Anyone in our memory banks.

 **Caboose:**  What about a chair?

"I don't think a chair counts." Ruby said.

 **Delta:**  If you felt that was fitting, the holographic technology in this room allows us to project ourselves in any matter. It is surprisingly advanced.

"Seriously, I'm impressed that Sarge of all people made plans for that room." Blake admitted, "Now, if he could just start using his brain more productively…"

 **Caboose:**  How about a giraffe?

 **Delta:**  Look. Let's just say we can look like many different things and just leave it at that. Okay?

 **Caboose:**  Okay.

" _Alright, time to see what Epsilon wants_." Noire said, " _I mean Delta. No wait, Epsilon. Whatever. Fuck, this gets confusing fast_."

 **Delta:**  We regret that we will not be able to appear to you or communicate with you outside this room, so you must listen carefully. …Caboose, did you understand what-

 **Caboose:**  I'm listening carefully.

 **Delta:**  Alright. It can be hard to tell.

"Man, I think Delta-Epsilon-whatever understands Caboose better than his own team!" Yang realized,

"Yeah, so I guess you could add Delta-Epsilon-whatever to Caboose's friend." Ruby said.

 **Delta:** Caboose, we need you to find a way to help us. Washington said that when Epsilon was recovered, that our memories could be used to punish people who tortured Alpha.

 **Caboose:**  Okay.

"Yeah. The Director is still out there and I'm guessing a lot of other people still haven't paid for their crimes yet." Blake said, "With Epsilon's memories, they can identify who's still out there and hell, maybe even find the Director's location."

 **Delta** : Washington will not trust us, and our new recent attempts to build a new body are not working.

 **Caboose:**  We had a fire!

"Multiple times, by the way." Yang added.

 **Delta:**  We remember. Your friend from Red Team described a location nearby with a strange energy source.

 **Caboose:**  Oh, that's where Tucker is.

 **Delta:**  We don't have many memories of him.

"I'm wondering why Caboose doesn't really like Tucker." Weiss muttered. Ruby then cleared her throat,

"Well, considering that Tucker was the closest thing to a friend to Church before he arrived, I theorized that Caboose only hates Tucker because he's more of Church's friend than Caboose." T'Ambrose explained,

"Huh. I guess that makes sense."

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, I never really liked him so… I leave him out of most of the stories.

 **Delta:**  The Freelancer Project found sources of intense energy, so a scenario team was sent to investigate the area, but they left without doing anything.

" _That certainly seems odd_." Noire muttered, " _Why send a team when all they do is nothing at the site_?  _It doesn't add up._ "

 **Caboose:**  They sound dumb.

"Not dumb, but definitely suspicious." Blake said as she narrowed her eyes,

"Plus, when Caboose you dumb, you really are dumb." Ruby added.

 **Delta:**  Indeed. This place sounds like the location of the energy source. You should go there and investigate. We can explain more when the opportunity arises.

 **Caboose:**  Okay, I can help you do that. Even if it helps Tucker too…

 **Delta:**  Thank you, Caboose. We have to go now. Someone is coming. Remember: memory is the key. ( _vanishes back into the Epsilon unit_ )

"Yeah, just like a chain of memories." Yang grumbled as she crossed her arms. The other RWBYs & Noire just stared at her, "What? This show's already making vague references to Kingdom Hearts, I'm just adding to the experience!"

' _We're all adding to the experience._ ' Noire mentally groaned.

 **Caboose:**  What? I thought we were done with that part.

"Sorry Caboose, but if it's like most of the series, it's gonna be dragged out for a long time." Weiss said, 'Stupid fucking Square Enix holding out on us on their next game. If KH3 releases while we're trapped in here, I'm gonna kill someone!' Weiss thought as she clenched her fists,

' _Thank you Xehanorto for the joke… again_.' Noire thought.

_Sarge comes running in through the upper level. As he runs down to Caboose's level, Grif and Simmons are seen following after him._

**Sarge:**  A-hah! Somebody  _is_  down here!

 **Simmons:**  See, I told you it wasn't me who moved your favorite crate.

"Probably full of shotguns." Ruby guessed.

 **Sarge:**  Alright, Simmons, I said I believed you. So just drop it already!

 **Simmons:**   _[mumbles]_  I don't know why you like that stupid thing so much anyway…

"He probably has a better relationship with that crate than Simmons with his dad." Yang said, "Or Simmons with anyone, actually."

_Caboose turns to face the Reds._

**Sarge:**  Hey, Blue! What do you think yer doing down here? You better not have messed up any of my stuff!

"Yeah, like your fatally flawed Chupathingy or the hundreds of dead fake Grifs!" Blake called out.

 **Grif:**  Messed up what? Everything down here is fake.

 **Sarge:**  Yeah, but who knows how he could've sabotaged the system. Better run a diagnostic.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, if he sabotaged anything, I'm sure he just ended up fixing it.

"Or set it on fire." Yang added, "No matter how physically impossible it is."

_Donut is seen coming down after them._

**Sarge:**  What do you think you're doing down here, Blue?

 **Caboose:**  Nothing. I was just, um, I was just looking around. I need to leave anyways. I have to pack.

 **Grif:**  Leave? Problem averted, back to-wait. You're  _leaving_ -leaving?

" _I thought it was implied_." Noire said.

 **Caboose:**  Ahh, I need to find my friend Tucker.

 **Donut:**  The guy in the desert? Awesome!

"Unless he's already and/or has an army after him." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  But then there won't be any more Blues here. Which means they'll probably send-

 **Caboose:**  Actually I'm gonna go find Tucker, bring him back… then there will be two Blues! Plenty for you to fight!

"They're still down 2-5. Well, maybe 1-5 depending on who wants to be lazy or unmatched if they don't give a shit." Ruby pointed out.

 **Grif:**  Why don't I have confidence in this mission?

"Because it's just Caboose." Weiss answered, "He's a tank, I can assure you that but he can't fight an army alone."

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, it sounds super dangerous but I'm sure I can manage. I've done dangerous stuff before and I've always come out fine, both physically and…

_A brief silence. The Reds turn to face each other._

"Processing…" Yang muttered.

 **Grif:**  Caboose?

 **Caboose:**  Mentally!

" _Welp, he's definitely fucked._ " Noire said, " _Thank you, brain damage, for the contribution by the way_!"

 **Grif:**  Yeah, this is not going to work. Hey, Sarge? Permission to go on the Blue's stupid mission?

 **Sarge:**  What?

 **Simmons:**  What?

"What!?" The girls exclaimed, surprised Grif actually volunteered for something, or anything really. No less and dangerous mission that has a high chance of getting killed.

 **Grif:**  Don't you see? If he dies on this mission-and let's be honest,  _when_  he dies on his mission-that means they won't be back in Command's records yet.

 **Sarge:**  Well, that's not good.

"Probably because he didn't deal the finishing blow." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  But if I help him pull this off, then Command might notice them and put 'em back in.

 **Sarge:**  Excellent point, Grif!

 **Simmons:**  No. It isn't.

" _That's a terrible point_." Noire added,

"Like, the worst point ever." Ruby said,

"Of all time." Weiss said without hesitation, "FUCK!"

"Yeash, what weird thing's gonna happen next?" Yang muttered as she took a sip of her soda.

 **Sarge:**  Permission granted.

 **Grif:**  Um… you've never, actually said that to me before. That means "yes," right?

"Permission granted." The RWBYs and Noire said in unison.

 **Sarge:**  Yes.

 **Grif:**  Okay, just checking.

 **Sarge:**  And I'm coming with you!

 **Grif:**  What?

 **Simmons:**  What!?

"WHAT!?" RWB & Noire shouted while Yang did a spit-take,

"Did Sarge actually  _agree_ to work with Grif willingly!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Yes. Yes, he did." Blake said slowly as she glared at her partner, while dripping wet from Yang's spit-take, "And next time, don't take big sips with your soda."

"But, it's 'People like Grapes'! People like grapes!" Yang tried to reason with her partner as she showed the can to her, who only slapped it away,

"Not when it's  **all over your body**! And your puns SUCK!" As Yang  & Blake continued to argue, no one noticed Noire taking sneak peeks at Blake's chest area, which had revealed her black bra when she got drenched by Yang,

" _I don't care if I get shocked, this is **so**  worth it._" Noire whispered as she pulled out her Scroll and started taking pictures, " _All is forgiven, Warlord-Xana_.  _All is forgiven._ " She quickly stop what she was doing when they stopped fighting and Ruby continued the episode.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, how about you? You in?

 **Simmons:**  I think I'll stay at the base and provide logistical support, sir.

 **Sarge:**  Sounds good. Let's get a move on! We'll either restore the Blues or we'll fail and I get to watch you die! It's a no-lose!

"I think the term you're looking for is a win-win situation." Ruby corrected.

 **Caboose:**  Sounds perfect!

 **Grif:**  Wait! You mean Simmons will get to hang out at the base while I go out on a dangerous mission?

"Yeah, really should've thought that through Grif." Weiss said.

 **Simmons:**  That's right. Enjoy the lime light, Private Kiss-Ass. I'll just be hanging out here with Donut until you get back. ( _yawns_ ) I think it's time for a nap.

_Caboose and Sarge exit the room._

**Donut:**  Oh man, this is going to be great. It'll be like a sleepover! And we can decorate. How awesome is this gonna be? I'll go get my wallpaper book, Simmons, you be thinking about paint colors! ( _follows after Sarge and Caboose_ )

"And… now it's a lose-lose situation." Blake said as she sighed.

 **Grif and Simmons:**  Aw man, I think I'm regretting this already.

"Yes you are, men." Yang said as she turned off the TV, "So… what do you guys wanna do now?" The girls stayed quiet as they started think about what they wanted to do for their break,

" _Wanna see Yang's Aura Mode_?" Noire suggested,

"It would be interesting to see…" Weiss muttered as she stood up,

"Why not." Blake said as she stood up as well,

"Hey, wait!" Yang shouted, angry she didn't get a say in this,

"Um, this is a bad idea Noire." Ruby warned as she stood up as well,

" _Oh, c'mon. How bad can it be_?" Noire said with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	56. Watch the World Burn (Bon Voyage, Directions, My House, From Here)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself. All of it is also RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"Oh, c'mon. How bad can it be? Nothing bad will happen. Everything will be fine." Ruby repeated what Noire had said 12 minutes earlier, "WHAT A GREAT **_FUCKING_** IDEA, NOIRE!"

" _I said I was sorry_!" Noire apologized for the hundredth time since they've activated Yang's Aura Mode,

"I told everyone it was a bad idea, but did you listen? No… you had to find out! NOW LOOK WHERE WE'RE AT!"

"We didn't know!" Weiss exclaimed,

"You have to admit though, you kinda saw it coming." Blake admitted as she started going back to when they set off Yang's Aura Mode.

(12 minutes earlier…)

"LET ME OUT OF THIS THING!" Yang shouted at her teammates as she struggled against her bonds. The RWBYs & Noire were currently in Emerald Forest and had tied Yang onto a tree with lots of fire-proof rope and cable ties, " Come on guys! Let me out or else!"

"Again,  _this is a bad idea_!" Ruby told her teammates, "I keep telling you that we'll regret it!"

"Ruby, as someone who recently unlocked her own Aura Mode I have the right to see Yang's." Weiss tried to reason with the Red Leader, "Also, you wanna see it too." T'Ambrose stayed quiet at that, "See?"

"Okay, maybe I do but Real Ruby doesn't. She has seen it." Ruby said,

"What does it look like?" Weiss had to ask,

"Like the apocalypse." Ruby answered,

"Ruby, we need to know our strengths and weaknesses if we're going to be an effective team. And that includes our abilities and powers." Blake said, "We need to this. For the good of the team."

" _You really want to see it, huh_?" Noire teased her other,

"I admit, yes, but this is also a good way to study the different effects and abilities granted by Yang's Aura Mode, and maybe even help us unlock mine." Blake explained. This reminded everyone that Blake was the only one without an Aura Mode. Noire would've counted if she actually had a soul,

"Ruby, help me!" Yang shouted at her sister, "Please!"

"Alright, that's it! I'm gonna-hey!" Ruby exclaimed as Weiss grabbed her partner,

"Do it now!" She quickly said. Noire only smirked as she ran up to Yang,

"Noire, I swear to God if yo-'

*Snip*

"You do what?" Noire said as she held the very large chunk of hair she had just cut off with a knife. Right now, Yang no longer had her signature long, flowing golden locks. No, it was cut down to roughly Ruby's length, "And now we-"

Suddenly, the land shook.

The girls stumbled around as the earthquake started to become more and more violent, the air around them starting to get more humid by the second and the sky above them becoming red. The girls looked at Yang, only to see that her hair had grown back in mere seconds and was currently turning a fiery orange and was continuing to grow. When Yang looked up, the team could only gasp. Yang's eyes had turned a bright yellow and her pupils became vertical slits. But the most notable feature was Yang's teeth.

Her canines had become fangs. Dragon fangs.

"Run." Ruby said as Yang's bonds started to burn away as well as some of her clothes. Everyone quickly started running away from the former blonde. They looked around as they ran and saw Emerald Forest was on fire. And the Grimm that inhabited the forest? They were becoming ash. Suddenly, the ground started to crack underneath them as they ran, opening up to reveal the magma underneath the crust of Remnant. By then, everyone was on fire as they finally managed to get to Beacon Cliff, safe from the destruction they've caused. Now covered in burns and their clothes basically in ruins, Ruby, Weiss, Blake & Noire stared at their mistake, with Yang in the middle of it all. They didn't say anything else as they saw Yang float up into the air, her hair now longer than her entire body, and commanding the lava dragons to dance around her with her hands. They couldn't help but think about how beautiful the dragons were as they danced around their commander, yet think about the death and destruction they could bring at a flick of a wrist. It was both elegant and horrifying thinking about Yang using it on the field,

"And this is why I said this was a bad idea!" Ruby shouted at the other three girls.

(Back to the present!)

It took around 10 minutes until everything had returned to normal. When they got to the unconscious body of Yang, she looked like she had just gotten out of a house fire except her skin was completely untouched apart from the soot covering it and her now regrown hair. She looked the best out of all of them. The others weren't so lucky, having a few severe burns on them and some cuts and bruises. If Weiss didn't bring some special Healing Dust with her, most of the burns they have would've been permanent. Hell, they were lucky at the fact that the lava didn't melt them on the way to the cliff. After Noire & Blake got Yang in her bed, they all cleaned themselves, changed their clothes and bandaged up their wounds before coming back to the dorm, only to see the Blonde Brawler glare at them,

"… _It was for the good of the team_." Noire squeaked as the others coward in fear. Yang only stared blankly at them before she got out Noire's remote.

*BZZT!*

"Blake, I found your collection of masturbation porn. Weiss, I have video evidence of you doing the deed on 'Sharkie-chan'. And my dear, dear sister Ruby, I'm happy you tried to help but… I am prepared to release a video of you masturbating to pictures of weapons." Yang said quickly and calmly, "I'm going for a masturbation theme for this year."

"WHAT!?" RWB shouted out,

"I-I-I, I-I me-m-mean, Ru-Ru-R-Ruby w-w-wo-would n-ne-n-never…" Ruby stuttered out as she blushed madly,

"You wouldn't." Weiss growled,

"Yang…" Blake said through gritted teeth,

" _Well, at least she doesn't have dirt on me._ " Noire groaned as she got up,

"Also, Noire. I know your secret." Yang quickly added. Noire's eyes widened before she started shivering,

" _N-N-No…_ " The perverted cat girl whispered, her voice barely audible,

"Do you want me to release this to the public?" Yang asked,

"NO!" The girls quickly shouted out,

"Then don't piss me off." Yang then pulled out all the evidence she had on them and threw it out the window, "Alright, now shut up and sit down and let's go watch some more Red vs Blue."

" _That's a horrible transition to the episodes._ " Noire muttered before they all sat on the couch,

"Alright, let's see how Caboose's mission goes." Ruby muttered as she picked up the remote,

"Considering how the last mission went, with the alien dead and Tucker pregnant, I'm assuming the worst." Weiss said. And with that, Ruby pressed play.

**(Bon Voyage)**

_Donut, Simmons, Sarge, Grif, Lopez, and Caboose are all standing outside the Red Base._

**Sarge:**  Get these water cans cleaned up while we're gone. How much water do you need to drink, Donut?

"He was dying from dehydration. You can't really blame him for drinking all that water." Blake said.

 **Donut:**  I was in a desert! Don't judge me.

 **Grif:**  Maybe we should learn from that and bring some water ourselves.

"Yeah, good idea. Dying in the middle of a desert isn't exactly good for a mission." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Nonsense. It'll just slow us down.

 **Grif:**  Slow us down more than dehydration? Or death... by dehydration?

"Or just death in general. Nothing slows someone down more than death." Ruby said in a matter-of-fact tone.

 **Sarge:**  I don't know, smartass. Let's say we try! I'll kill ya, and then I'll dry ya out! Who wants Grif-Jerky?

"Well, it is survival at all costs…" Yang whispered as she licked her lips, "And that does sound pretty good right now…" The others just stared at the Brawler in silence,

" _What. The Actual. Fuck_." Noire said, breaking the silence,

"Oh dear lord." Blake said as she just stared at her partner

"Yang, are you fucking out of your-" Weiss started before getting interrupted by Ruby,

"Wait for it…" The Red Leader said,

"NOT!" Yang shouted, "Oh, c'mon guys. I wouldn't actually eat anyone. Anyway, we already had enough implied cannibalism by Creepy Ruby."

"Oh. Okay then." RWB & Noire said as they sighed in relief and wiped the sweat off their foreheads. But just in case, they made mental notes not to bring Yang when they have missions in the desert while they slowly shifted away from her.

 **Caboose:**  Ah, no thanks, I already had donuts for breakfast.

" _Oh really_?  _How was he-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_!  _Stupid fucking collar._ " Noire grumbled,

"Noire, you know the pain would stop if you acted calmly instead of being a perverted little kitty." Blake pointed out before blowing the smoke coming out of the remote,

" _Okay, listen up. First of all, that line was obviously an attempt to trick me into saying my catchphrase,_ "

"Which you stole from Tucker." Ruby added. Noire just ignored her and continued,

" _And combined with that teasing comment I must say I'm somewhat insulted._ " Noire finished off her explanation in an annoyed tone, " _And two, I'll stop when I'm dead, bitch_!"

"Am I the only one wondering where the fuck Noire's shock collar is!?" Yang exclaimed, but was ignored.

 **Grif:**  …Wait, what?

" _Well, that's what_ ," Noire started before she saw Blake holding up her shock collar remote. Noire quickly grabbed the nearest object and shouted, " _SHE SAID_!"

*BZZT!*

" _Worth it_!" Noire said, while still holding onto Weiss. They were both smoking,

"Ow…" Weiss groaned before pushing Noire away, "Noire, why did you grab me!? I didn't even touch your remote once!"

" _Oh, well, you see…_ " Noire thought about it for a few seconds before saying, " _Huh, actually that's a good point… I think it was just because you were closer. My bad_!" Noire apologized while sticking out her tongue and rubbing the back of her head,

"I hate you." Weiss growled,

" _I know._ " Noire said happily, ' _Thank you Autistic-Grizzly for the joke and Warlord-Xana for the edit!_ ' " _Also_ ,  _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_."

*BZZT!*

" _Still worth it_."

 **Sarge:**  All right, let's get going. Everybody packed?

 **Caboose:**  Yep.

 **Grif:**  Where's your stuff?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, I only carry a washcloth and six toothbrushes.

"I don't even wanna know what the logic is behind that." Yang muttered.

 **Grif:**  I'm gonna assume that makes sense to you.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, it does.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, I thought so. We'll just go ahead and leave that one alone.

 **Sarge:**  Grif! Why'd you pack so much?

"I've been wondering about all those boxes behind Sarge." Ruby said, "They aren't exactly moving to a different base."

 **Grif:**  Me? I only did one duffle.

 **Sarge:**  Well, what are all these cases?

 **Donut:**  Those are mine!

"What? Why is Donut coming? I thought he wanted to redecorate the base." Blake asked,

"Plus, he probably still needs rest and I'm pretty sure he's not risking another heat stroke." Weiss added,

" _Knowing Donut, he probably did it for fun_." Noire said, " _And seriously, how much stuff does he have_?  _And what's in them_?  _Pink dildos_? … _Please tell me it's pink dildos._ "

 **Sarge:**  Donut, you're going with us?

 **Donut:**  No. But I wasn't gonna let you guys have all the packing fun to yourselves! That's the best part about going on vacation.

"No, the best part about going on a vacation is the actual vacation." T'Ambrose said before everyone sighed,

'I wonder what my friends from Signal are doing right now…' Real Ruby wondered,

'I am disappointing so many people.' Weiss thought with a sigh,

'I am so glad I don't have to go to the beach with Yang.' Blake thought, remembering all her bad experiences while at the beach,

'Maybe I should go to tanning salon after this.' Yang thought before shaking her head, 'Nah, too expensive.'

" _Well, at least you have each other_." Noire pointed out.

*BZZT!*

"Shut up Noire." The RWBYs said tonelessly before they all sighed.

 **Donut:** I mean, beside airport security's full-cavity search—

 **Grif:**  Time to go! ( _heads towards the jeep_ )

"Yeah, Tucker isn't gonna save himself!" Yang called out, "Time to hit the road!"

 **Sarge:**  Lopez, I want you to take good care of Simmons and Donut while we're gone.

 **Lopez:**   _Me?_

"Well, he's a lot smarter than you dumbasses." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Feed them every day.

 **Lopez:**   _Do they eat Unleaded? Or Super Unleaded?_

"Super Unleaded with oregano to spice it up." Blake said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge:**  Exactly. And don't forget to let them out in the yard every now and then.

 **Donut:**  I love yard-time—

"From the sounds of it, he's treating Donut & Simmons like dogs." Ruby noted before sighing, "Leader of the Year, right there."

 **Simmons:**  Goodbye!

" _And don't come back_!" Noire called out.

 **Sarge:**  If we don't make it back from the mission, bury me and Grif as far away as possible. I don't want to get any corpse cooties.

 **Grif:**  Why do you assume I'll be dead?

_Silence._

"…Do we really have to answer that?" Yang asked in a flat tone.

 **Grif:**  …Never mind.

_Tejano music begins playing as Sarge runs for the jeep_

"No matter which freaking jeep it is, as long as it belongs to the Reds it'll always play polka." Blake muttered before she groaned. When she saw Weiss dancing a little to the music, she raised an eyebrow. Weiss saw this and quickly ceased her little dance,

"That never happened." The Heiress quickly said.

 **Sarge:**  All aboard! Let's get this show on the road!

_Caboose follows Sarge inside the jeep and takes the turret._

**Sarge** : Hey, be careful with the new gun. It hasn't passed any real world testing yet.

"And I don't think On-The-Field Testing would suffice." Ruby added, "Especially when your weapon has a horrible flaw to it that can't exactly be fixed."

" _Well, I've heard the effects of the pulse can be negated by a Faraday Cage_." Noire spoke up, " _Maybe that could improve the weapon._ "

"Maybe, but it's too late now."

 **Simmons** : It hasn't passed any  _fake_  world testing. It's passed zero tests.

 **Sarge** : Which means the enemy can't possibly know about it. We've got the initiative.

"No, you don't. The weakness is painfully obvious once you use the weapon and the enemy will take advantage of it as soon as they can." Blake said.

 **Simmons** :  _[quietly]_  Yay. We got something. Big dummy.

 **Sarge** : We'll be back as soon as we help the Blue. And then we'll kill him.

"Unless the mission doesn't get the Blues back into Commands records." Yang pointed out.

 **Caboose** : Guys, I really appreciate this.

"Well, at least they're helping. Even if it is for selfish reasons." Ruby muttered the last sentence.

 **Sarge:**  See you soon! Try not to get into any trouble!

"Knowing them, I'll give them about 20 seconds before they start causing trouble." Weiss said.

_The Warthog drives into the water and vanishes, leaving behind only a trail of bubbles._

Suddenly, everything came to a screeching halt as they stared at the screen in front of them, "D-Did they just drive into the ocean!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Okay, I can understand Lopez being able to go across it but…" Blake trailed off,

" _I hope those suits are water-proof_." Noire muttered,

"Seriously! Why would they drive straight into water!?" Ruby asked,

"Well, I do-" Weiss paused as she started thinking, "Oh… OH!"

"What is it?" Yang asked,

"I just realized something. Whoever directed this really did his or her research!"

" _Huh_?" Noire said,

"To explain, it's been proven that cars can run on Hydrogen when it runs out of Dust. And the two main elements of water are Hydrogen and Oxygen. So, let's say the engine of the Reds' jeep runs on Hydrogen. Someone in the Reds, maybe Lopez or even Sarge, must've modified the engine of separate the Hydrogen from the Oxygen and uses the Hydrogen to fuel the car while the Oxygen could be used for an emergency in case one of them runs out of air. It's brilliant! That's why they drove into the water without much worry. They know they'll survive as long as their suits don't have leaks."

"But Oxygen can be lethal in certain amounts, so just having pure Oxygen is stupid." Blake pointed out, "Plus, the jeep also has to water-proof to protect the engine and battery." This went on for a couple of minutes, as the Heiress and Faunus started coming up with a lot of theories about how the Chupathingy was able to work underwater and keep its passengers from not drowning. That is until Noire decided to break it up,

" _Okay, this had gone long enough. You can geek out later. Right now, let's keep watching the goddamn episode_." Noire said. The two blushed before silently telling each other that it wasn't over.

 **Caboose:**  Are we there yet?

 **Sarge:**  No.

 **Grif:**  Shut up.

Each girl just glared at Ruby, remembering all the "fun" they had while travelling with each other, "I have to admit, it is annoying." T'Ambrose admitted, "Ruby also said she's still sorry and will never do it again."

(Flash forward to after the events of React Watch Believe Yikes a year later…)

"Are we there ye-"

"SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP RUBY!"

"Seriously! Shut the hell up and help us with this Dust!"

(Back to the present!)

'Like she's gonna keep it.' T'Ambrose thought as they went back to watching.

 **Donut:**  Good luck!

 **Lopez:**   _Did they just drive into the water?_

"Well, I guess that prove Sarge made the modifications to the engine of the jeep." Yang muttered before her eyes widened, 'I can make Moto-kun into a motorcycle-submarine.' Yang thought as she drooled, not noticing the RWBYs were shifting away while Noire moved closer.

_Simmons runs off_

**Donut:**  Hey, where are you goin'?

 **Simmons:**  To blow up Blue Base.

"Wow, only ten seconds. New record." Weiss muttered as she checked her watch.

 **Donut:**  Ohh, I think that's what Sarge meant by "get into trouble!"

 **Simmons:**  ( _flies off on the man cannon_ ) I don't give a fuck!

"He stopped when Sarge kept ignoring his ideas." Blake said.

_Cuts to a beach. The Tejano music is playing, but blurred, and it becomes clear as the Warthog emerges from the water._

**Caboose:**  Can we stop again? I have to pee.

 **Grif:**  Again?

"He could seriously pee in the ocean without stopping." Ruby pointed out,

" _Gross, but she's right_." Noire said, " _Not like the fish will notice anyway_."

 **Caboose:**  Well, my suit leaks! And I had to drink a lot on the way here! ( _runs off towards the trees_ ) A lot.

"Well, maybe they could've repaired those leaks when they stopped." Blake suggested,

"Meh, duct tape and other suit repair equipment would probably slow them down." Yang said, mocking Sarge.

_Grif and Sarge exit the vehicle._

**Sarge** : Look, Grif! Sand.

"Yeah. No shit, Sherlock." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif** : Yeah, we're on a beach.

 **Sarge** : Donut said there was sand. That means we're on the right track.

_Caboose returns to the other two._

" _You_   _know, I expected Caboose's toilet break to be… longer_." Noire admitted.

 **Grif** : Know what else he told us? The coordinates to where we're going.

 **Sarge** : Another clue!

"Watson, shut up." Blake said in a British accent, causing Yang to laugh,

"Okay, that's a good one!" Yang said between her laughs,

"What can I say? I have a few in me sometimes." Blake replied with a smirk.

 **Grif** : That's not a clue. There's no mystery. We're driving there.

 **Sarge** : Come on, let's get going, before the trail gets cold.

"Okay, despite not being a mystery he's kinda right on the trail going cold. Who knows what's happening to Tucker by the time they get there." Ruby said, "Let's just hope this mission goes better than Tucker's quest."

 **Caboose:**  I have to use the bathroom again.

_Cuts to Valhalla. Donut and Lopez are standing atop a hill._

**Donut:**  Lopez, Simmons has been gone a really long time.

"He's probably looting Blue Base for anything useful and preparing the explosives." Blake guessed.

 **Lopez:**   _I don't care._

 **Donut:**  If Simmons blows up Blue Base, Sarge is gonna be really mad.

 **Lopez:**   _Yes. He is stupid like that._

" _Yeah, just as stupid as the reason to declare nuclear war because of 99 red balloons_." Noire muttered.

 **Donut:**  I'm worried about him…

 **Lopez:**   _Yes. Because you are stupid like that._

"Hey, you don't have to be so cold-hearted. He just wants to see if his teammate is alright." Weiss said.

 **Donut:**  I think I'm gonna go over there and check on him. ( _runs off_ )

 **Lopez:**   _Whatever._

_Cuts to Sandtrap, where the other three are driving. The Warthog flips through the air._

**Sarge:**  ( _inhales_ ) Yee-haw! ( _coughs; the Warthog lands and the radio stops for a second before it continues on like normal._ ) I told you not to take jumps bigger than my yee-haws! It makes me look bad!

"There's no one there to judge you Sarge apart from someone doesn't care and someone who doesn't understand!" Ruby called out.

 **Grif:**  Okay. This looks like it.

 **Sarge:**  Be careful, Grif. We don't want to get spotted.

 **Intercom:**  Halt. Do not go any further.

"Aaaaaaaand, they're spotted." Yang said with a bored look on her face.

 **Caboose:**  I think we've been spotted.

"Well, NO SHIT!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted.

 **Sarge:**  Punch it, Grif!

_Grif drives into the area with flashing lights surrounding it_

Weiss raised her eyebrow, "Um, what are those lights for?" She asked,

"Probably nothing. Maybe to mark where the border is or something." Blake answered with a shrug.

 **Intercom:**  You are attempting to access a restricted area, and you have entered a mine field.

_The Warthog ceases movement with a stylish 180 spin._

**Grif:**  A  _what_?

"A WHAT!?" The girls exclaimed, gawking,

"…Welp, they're fucked." Yang let out.

 **Intercom:**  A mine field. You idiot.

 **Caboose:**  Your field? Who says this is your field—You can't own a field!

"Well, technically, farmers do." Ruby said while pushing up her glasses, "I mean, how else can they grow crops and herd animals?"

" _That's true_." Noire said as she shrugged.

 **Grif:**  Caboose, not his field! A  _mine_  field!

 **Sarge:**  You know, the Native American culture said the Earth doesn't belong to us. We belong to it.

Yang kept silent at this part, 'Must. Not. Say. Anything. Must. Not. Say. Anything.' She repeated in her mind, recalling all her bad experiences from past seasons, '…And why do I feel racist right now?'

 **Grif:**  Guys, he means explosives!

 **Caboose & Sarge:** Ohhh.

_An explosion goes off._

**Sarge:**  Oh!

"Okay, where did that explosion even come from?" Weiss asked,

" _The world may never know, my Ice Queen._ " Noire said as she patted Weiss' back, " _The world may never know._ "

"Why are you patting my back?" Weiss growled,

" _To steal your bra._ "

"WHAT!?" Weiss shouted as she quickly checked to see if her underwear was still there,

" _I'm joking_!" Noire said as she laughed at the Heiress, " _Or am I_!?  _Dun dun dun…_ " ' _Thank you Yue Twili for the joke_!' Anyway, after that Yang picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Directions)**

_Simmons is standing inside the Blue Base at Valhalla._

**Simmons:**  What the hell is all this stuff?

"Hm, it's the stuff Caboose has been using to make a new best friend. I'm surprised he left all that stuff behind." Blake muttered.

 **Donut:**  ( _enters_ ) Oh, there you are! Did you blow up the base yet?

" _I don't know Donut, but I'm preeeeetty sure Blue Base is still standing_." Noire said.

 **Simmons:**  Look at this mess, Donut. It's like he wrecked the place.

 **Donut:**  Oh yeah, that's Caboose's project.

 **Simmons:**  This is what he's been working on?

 **Donut:**  He's trying to rebuild a body for that blue buddy of his. …eh, looks like a piece is missing though.

The girls raised their eyebrows at that, "Did Caboose bring something with him?" Weiss whispered to herself.

 **Simmons:**  For the dead guy. Gimme a break. No wonder no one ever wins this war. We're all doing stuff like building lame robots.

_Simmons turns around to see Lopez standing behind him._

"Awkward~" Yang sang out.

 **Simmons:**  Oh, hey… Lopez. Uh, I didn't mean you, I meant other… robots…

_Lopez takes off._

**Donut:**  That was kind of racist.

"Yeah, it kinda was." Ruby said,

' _Thank you Iron-Mantis for the joke_.' Noire thought.

 **Simmons:**  ( _chases after Lopez_ ) That's not true! I have all kinds of mechanical friends!

_Cuts to Sandtrap. The camera zooms out slowly from the side of an Elephant._

"What. The fuck. Is that?" Yang said as they stared at the large vehicle,

"Holy shit, it looks like… some kinda of mobile command centre or something." Blake guessed, "Fuck, now wonder it's called the Behemoth."

"Actually, it's called the M312 Heavy Recovery Vehicle, or more commonly the Elephant." Weiss corrected, "It can be used as a Mobile Command but it can be also used for Search & Recovery, Recon & Patrol, Troop Deployment and can even be a Mobile Mini-Base. It also has guns on it."

"The tank has nothing on that thing." Ruby said,

" _It probably weighs a ton and is probably a lot slower than a tank._ " Noire pointed out, " _Plus, it's probably used more rarely since it's must be pretty expensive to build._ "

 **Intercom announcer:**  Just… just give me the microphone.  _[over the intercom]_  Do not under any circumstances move. You have entered an active mine field.

 **Caboose:**  Does thinking count as moving? Because if it does, I think I might've moved—up! I did again.

"Okay, why are they out of the Chupathingy? It's a lot safer there than standing in the middle of a minefield." Ruby said,

"Ruby, no matter what, they're still in a minefield and have a high chance to die." Weiss told her partner.

 **Grif:**  Shut up, Caboose!

 **Caboose:**  Well, I don't want to get exploded!

 **Sarge:**  How do we get outta here?

"Hm, maybe they can use their new weapon to disable the mines and get them out of there." Yang suggested,

"I don't think that'll work." Blake said, "Remember, the car stalls every time they fire it. The mines could rearm by the time the car restarts. And let's not forget that Sarge probably doesn't want to use it yet. A good thing too. We have no idea who these people are yet and we have no reason to trust them yet apart from them trying to get the Sarge, Grif & Caboose out of the minefield."

 **Intercom announcer:**  We will guide you out.

 **Sarge:**  Great! Let us wait for you to come out here then!

" _Uh, minefield. Can no one understand the concept of a **minefield**_?" Noire asked as she shook her head.

 **Intercom announcer:**  What? …No, fuck that, listen! We're not coming out there, okay? Hang tight. We're gonna pull up the schematics… we'll be right back. Don't. Move.

 **Sarge:**  Grif! What were you thinking driving us straight into a mine field!?

"I'm guessing Donut left out the part about the freaking minefield when he gave those coordinates to them." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  Me? You were in the passenger seat. That makes you the navigator!

 **Sarge:**  What are you talking about?

 **Grif:**  Everybody knows that. You're in charge of directions!

"He's right." The RWBYs & Noire admitted.

 **Sarge:**  No! The shotgun seat is reserved for the position of respect. And for people who carry shotguns. ( _holds up shotgun_ ) See? ( _makes a clicking noise_ ) Quid pro quo.

"Or, you know, for people who want to be in the back." Yang added.

 **Sarge:** Now Grif, here's the plan. You walk in front of us, very slowly.

 **Grif:**  No.

 **Sarge:**  If you hear anything that sounds like a small metallic click, or feels like your legs are being blown off, just say, "Found one!"

 **Grif:**  No!

"For the love of God, wait for the guy to get the schematics! No one has to die!" Blake exclaimed, "…Yet."

 **Caboose:**  Uh oh! I think I just thought about something again.

 **Sarge:**  Both of you, shut up! I need to think of a way out of this mess.

"There's already a solution, Sarge! Just. Wait." Ruby said.

 **Grif:**  You mean the mess you navigated us into?

 **Sarge:**  How about I come over there and navigate my fist through your forehead!?

 **Grif:**  ( _glances around_ ) Pft. Okay, bring it.

"Wait, what did he just say?" Weiss asked,

" _Huh, it looks like Grif is taking advantage of being in the middle of a minefield._ " Noire answered, impressed, " _He can talk shit to Sarge as much as he wants since Sarge can't do anything to him unless he wants to die_.  _Well played Grif_."

"He has a lot of balls to do that." Blake admitted.

 **Grif:** Just stroll on over here across the mine field and beat me to death.

 **Sarge:**  Maybe I will.

 **Grif:**  Bring it!

"It looks like Grif has been waiting for years just for this moment." Ruby muttered.

 **Intercom announcer:**  Look, we can hear you talking. Do not move! 'Kay? Seriously!

 **Sarge:**  Grr.

 **Caboose:**  It's not my fault. I'm not moving. I'm not even thinking about moving.

"Or thinking at all." Weiss added.

 **Grif:**  Sarge, since we may not make it out of this, maybe there's a few things I should tell you. You know. Since you can't reach me.

 **Sarge:**  Grif…

"Oh, this I have to see." Blake said as she leaned back on the couch.

 **Grif:**  Like the reason why I never listen to you. Or never follow your orders. And why I don't think anything you say is ever important.

_Sarge angrily grumbles._

**Grif:**  But I want you to understand, Sarge. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I don't like you. Or respect you. In any way. I have no positive feeling for you.

_Sarge reloads his shotgun._

"You go tell that bastard, Grif!" Yang cheered, "God, this is a great moment for him."

" _Agreed._ " Noire said, " _This has been a **long** time coming._"

 **Grif:**  Now I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect—

_Sarge shoots the shotgun, straight at Grif. The bullets don't even make it halfway across._

**Grif:**  —who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has an effective range much shorter than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.

Yang couldn't help but have her eye twitch when Grif said that, "While I do applaud his courage to point out the reasons why Sarge has basically lost the respect of everyone in his team apart from Donut, there's a high chance that there's going to be a huge change in their situation and he will seriously regret what he just said the next second." Ruby said,

"Huh? Why that?" Weiss asked. Ruby only answered by pointing at the TV.

 **Intercom announcer:**  All right. I'm back. Ready? We're gonna guide you out of there.

 **Grif:**  ( _laughs nervously_ ) You know I was kidding, right?

Ruby paused the video just to her partner a smug smirk while Weiss muttered, "You know, in retrospect, it's actually pretty obvious."

_Cuts back to Valhalla. Lopez is walking away from the Blue Base._

"Aw… I wanted to see Sarge beat up Grif within an inch of his life and use his spine as a towel rack." Yang whined,

"You know, that's sounds like some Creepy Ruby would say." Blake said before everyone, even Ruby herself, shivered,

"Hey, he insulted the shotgun. No one. Fucks. With the shotgun. Especially in front of me." Yang growled, "He gets absolutely no sympathy from me."

" _Whatever you say_ ,  _Yang_." Noire muttered, ' _Thank you snake screamer for the joke._ '

_Simmons catches up to him._

**Simmons:**  Hey Lopez! Wait up! Hey man, I need some explosives.

_Lopez doesn't reply._

"What? No apology first? No, 'I'm sorry about the whole robot thing'? Anything?" Ruby said,

"Wow, he is kinda racist." Yang muttered.

 **Simmons:**  To blow up Blue Base? You know… did Sarge give you the key to the weapon locker?

 **Lopez:**   _Yes._

 **Simmons:**  Okay. I need about 50 kilos of plastic explosives. Technically five should do it, but I really want to blow the fuck out of that thing.

"Because there's no kill like overkill." Weiss said happily, "Or, you know, Yang."

"Oh, c'mon!" Yang exclaimed, "They may have my picture bu-"

"Lava dragons."

"Okay, shutting up now."

 **Simmons:** Can you go get it for me?

 **Lopez:**   _I will look into that._  ( _doesn't move_ )

" _I think he's waiting for an apology_." Noire guessed, " _Or he's just plain pissed._ "

 **Simmons:**  Uh… I need it right now?

 **Lopez:**   _Yes. I'll get right on it. Look at me go._

"Slow down, Speed Racer." Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Simmons:**  Hmm. You don't seem to be moving.

 **Lopez:**   _Yes._

 **Simmons:**  This is about that robot comment, isn't it.

"What do you think? You didn't even say sorry!" Ruby said.

 **Lopez:**   _Maybe._

_Cuts back to Sandtrap, at the Elephant._

**Intercom announcer:**  Okay, gentlemen. Here's how we're going to do this. We'll guide the two guys in front out, and you in the jeep, just follow them.

"Sounds pretty easy." Blake said, "But I know they'll somehow make it more difficult."

 **Grif:**  Okay!

 **Caboose:**  Uh, I'm scared.

 **Intercom announcer:**  All right. Start by taking two steps forward and then turn to your right.

 **Sarge:**  A 'step' ain't exactly a standard measurement, buddy.

"Who cares! Just take the damn two steps!" Yang shouted out.

 **Intercom announcer:**  Just. A step.

 **Sarge:**  Yeah, I get it! But what's a step? Like this? ( _takes two steps forward, then two back_ ) Or this? ( _sprints forward – right into a mine that explodes; Sarge jumps back, unharmed_ ) Whoa!

" _They're gonna die_." Noire said in a flat tone.

 **Intercom announcer:**  Just a step!

 **Sarge:**   _[quickly]_  Okay, no problem, just a step!

 **Intercom announcer:**  All right. Now, walk four steps to your right.

"This is going to take forever. I know it." Yang groaned.

 **Sarge:**  You mean our right?

 **Intercom announcer:**  Yes.

 **Caboose:**  Our-our right? Or your-our right?

"What the-there's no such thing as a your-our right! There's only your left, and your right." Weiss said,

"How would you know? I've seen you do the whole L-thing with your hands a couple of times." Ruby pointed as she giggled. The Heiress just glared at the Leader.

 **Intercom announcer:**  There is no "my-your right!"

 **Sarge:**  Is left north to you? Or is it… or, on the compass, which way?

"JUST GO RIGHT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" The girls shouted, having enough of this.

 **Caboose:**  Uhh, what about—

 **Intercom announcer:**  Just walk to your right!

_Sarge and Caboose walk to the left, only to rush back seconds later._

" _That's left you idiots_!" Noire shouted, " _For fuck's sake, do the L-thing if you have to_!"

 **Intercom announcer:**  No!

_A mine goes off._

**Sarge & Caboose:** Sorry!

"Fuck it. Just run through the goddamn minefield and end it already!" Yang shouted.

 **Grif:**  You know what? I just can't take this anymore. Fuck it.

_Grif drives off. Sarge and Caboose do so as well._

**Intercom announcer:**  Yeah, uh, fuck it, just run!

"Well, at least they're making progress now." Ruby said, "It just happens to involve lots of explosions."

"And that's the way we like it." Weiss added with a smirk.

_Hordes of explosions come out of nowhere._

**Sarge:**  Son of a—

_More explosions occur._

"Thank God. If that kept going I would've shot myself." Yang said as everyone stretched out their muscles,

"Alright, it's almost time for lunch so one more episode before we all go to the cafeteria." Ruby said,

" _Sounds like a plan_." Noire said as she picked up the remote,

"I feel like steak today." Blake muttered,

" _What_?  _No tuna_?  _You haven't even eaten that expensive tuna you got a couple seasons back._ "

"I'm saving it for a special occasion. Now, can you please start the episode?" Noire just shrugged at her other before pressing play.

**(My House, From Here)**

_Starts with Grif crashing the jeep into the Elephant._

"Fucking seriously!? They just got the fucking jeep and they already wrecked it!" Yang complained,

"Oh c'mon, you'd be expecting it from these guys." Weiss pointed out. Yang sighed before she nodded, knowing that Weiss was right.

 **Sarge:** Aw, dammit Grif! Lookit what you did now! You busted up a brand new jeep.

 **Grif:**  Me? You were the idiots that started setting off mines.

"Well, you started it." Ruby pointed out, "'I just can't take this anymore'? 'Fuck it.'? Ring any bells?"

 **Sarge:**  Well, I managed to get out there and not get hit by anything!

 **Grif:**  Because you jumped on the roof of the car! That's cheating.

 **Sarge:**  No, it's called strategy!

"No, you're both wrong." Blake said, "It's called survival. As much as I hate to though, I have to support Sarge with this one. An armour-plated car is a lot safer for going across a minefield than being on foot."

 **Grif:**  Well, your "strategy" broke the jeep. So don't go blaming me. And the blue guy's dead too—how are we gonna explain that?

" _Oh, what? Caboose can't be dead. I mean, he is basically made out of iron_." Noire said.

_The intercom announcer, C.T., runs out to see them._

"Huh, that guy doesn't look like any soldier we've seen so far." Blake noted, "He's definitely doesn't look like a Red or a Blue and the Freelancers were practically wiped out, if not in hiding. I wonder what part of the military he's in."

 **C.T.:**  What the hell! What were you thinking?

"Eh… the Reds & Blues don't exactly think. They just do." Yang answered.

 **Sarge:**  We don't need to explain why he died, Grif. We're Reds! Killing Blues is our business. And today, business is good.

 **Grif:**  But we didn't kill him! He stepped on a mine and blew up. And  _he's_  the reason that we're on this stupid mission. So now what?

"Ugh, I knew this mission would go bad." Weiss groaned.

 **Sarge:**  Hm. I see your point. So let us have a moment of silence in honor of the dead Blue guy.

"They really should've learnt Caboose's name by now, huh." Ruby said, "Seriously, they're not even enemies now! At least they should learn each others' names."

 **Sarge:** Bow your head.

 **C.T.:**  Hey, are you listening to me?

 **Grif:**  Do you mind? We're having a moment of silence. Show some respect.

" _You know, about the same amount respect you give to Sarge and the Blues gave to Church at his funeral_." Noire said before everyone sighed sadly.

 **C.T.:**  What?

_A requiem plays in the background._

**Sarge:**  Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today. Or rather not Heaven, but whatever fiery pit you send Blues to so they can suffer in eternity. You should've taken Grif. …But you didn't. Again. Not sure why, it would've been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing.

"This is literally the second worst funeral ever." Blake muttered,

"Of all time." Weiss added with realizing, right before banging her head on the table a couple of times. Hard,

"Why don't you just admit it?" Ruby asked, only to get an animalistic growl as her answer.

_Caboose is heard screaming from above. The camera zooms out enough to catch Caboose falling from the sky and crashing nearby the Elephant. He rises, as if nothing happened._

**Caboose:**  Wow. Now  _that_  was a big explosion.

 **Grif:**  Blue guy's back.

"Oh, how was the view by the way?" Yang asked.

 **Caboose:**  ( _runs around to the Reds_ ) I was really high. Did anyone get a picture?

 **Sarge:** And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize, but you could've had him laying on Grif and squash him! That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it, like I said it's not really in my place to criticize. ( _stops bowing head_ ) Okay, the end, amen.

 **C.T.:**  …What the fuck is wrong with you people.

"We ask that question every time." Weiss muttered,

" _Well, we aren't exactly perfect too._ " Noire admitted, _"We got a hyperactive, cookie-obsessed girl with MPD for a Leader, a groan-inducing joker who's like a certain yellow idiot in RvB,_ "

"Hey!" Yang shouted out, but got ignored,

" _A complete bitch that rivals two characters in bitchiness, a ninja cat-girl who used to have a perverted persona and, last but least, a woman without a soul who also is one of most perverted and most awesome member of the team_.  _Come on, you guys have said this hundreds of times by now._ "

"Ruby isn't  _that_ obsessed with cookies." T'Ambrose defended her other,

"I'M NOT SISTER!" Yang yelled at the perverted cat girl,

"Those characters are fictional!" Weiss shouted,

"That persona was you, idiot." Blake growled,

"AND YOU ARE NOT AWESOME! YOU'RE NOT EVEN PART OF THE TEAM!" The RWBYs shouted in unison,

" _Just wait a couple of chapters. Then we'll see._ " Noire muttered under her breath, ' _Thank you aznalpha for the joke_!'

 **Sarge:**  Whoa. Now who are you?

 **C.T.:**  Who am I? Who are you? I'm supposed to be here. You guys are accessing an area on lockdown.

"Lockdown? What for?" Blake muttered, "I don't see anything really worth putting a lockdown on."

 **Sarge:**  Lockdown?

 **C.T.:**  This is a restricted dig site.

"So, whatever they're looking for is 'under the sand'. Tucker has to be there." Yang said.

 **C.T.:** What are you doing here?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, uh, we were just looking for, uh…

 **Sarge:**  Oh, we're just passing through on the way to meet up with the rest of our squad.

"Nice lying." Weiss commented, "We have no idea who these guys are or the reason they're there. Trust no one."

_A Mongoose approaches the group._

**C.T.:**  Oh, great. Stay here. Don't move. Don't touch anything. ( _runs off_ )

" _When you say that, you know they're gonna touch everything_." Noire said.

 **Grif:**  Why didn't you ask about Tucker?

 **Sarge:**  We don't know anything about these guys! What if they're the ones causing trouble for Tucker? We don't know if we can trust them yet.

"It's better to sit back and observe. We don't know what they're capable of yet and their intentions." Ruby muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Oh right! Because normally you guys are the ones who cause trouble for Tucker.

 **Sarge:**  Right. That's our job.

_Cuts to Valhalla._

**Simmons:**  Whoa whoa whoa, take it easy. Listen Lopez, I'm not racist. I just didn't know you were standing there when I said that.

"Okay, how is that not racist?" Weiss asked rhetorically.

 **Lopez:**   _How does that make you not racist?_

 **Simmons:**  I had a lot of mechanical friends while growing up. Seriously, I am not a racist.

"But that does make you a loser." Yang added.

 **Lopez:**   _Whatever._

 **Simmons:**  In fact, I'm one-eighth cyborg.

 **Lopez:**   _Really?_

"You know, we kinda keep forgetting Simmons is a cyborg and Grif has his organs." Ruby said, "And has a fax machine for an ass."

 **Simmons:**  Yeah.

 **Lopez:**   _On your mother's side?_

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, you know, from my accident, when Sarge replaced all my organs.

 **Lopez:**   _Oh, right._

" _Uh, wrong_.  _It was Grif who got into an accident with Shelia from when she was a tank and Sarge needed a replacement for Lopez, who you are now talking. So basically, you became a cyborg for no reason and absolutely no gain_." Noire corrected.

 **Simmons:**  See? I'm down with the one-zero-one…zero-zero-one… thing.

"Don't act cool. Ever." Blake said.

 **Lopez:**   _No one calls it that anymore_

 **Simmons:**  Look, I'm just saying I'm sorry. Now, can you help me with those explosives? Please?

 **Lopez:**  ( _grunts_ )  _I guess…_

"Well, at least they're kinda, maybe friends again." Yang said, "It's hanging on a thread but at least Simmons has an ally of sorts."

 **Simmons:**  Okay… then we're cool?

 **Lopez:**   _Yeah. We're cool._

 **Simmons:**  Oh, that's a relief. I was getting worried there for a minute. I know how you Mexicans like to hold a grudge!

_Silence._

"And… the friendship is gone." Weiss said before muttering, "Equestria's going to Hell."

" _Yeah, that was definitely racist_." Noire said, " _Stop being American, Simmons_!" ' _Hypocritical humour: check, I think. Ugh, I don't get paid enough for this_.' Fun fact: She doesn't get paid at all.

 **Simmons:**  I'll just find another way to blow up the base.

 **Lopez:**   _Good luck with that._

"Seems like he won't be able to find another way to blow up Blue Base, or at most cause some structural damage. That, and it seems like Lopez wants him to try and fail. A lot." Ruby noted,

"Of course, you need a tactical nuke or a tank to destroy a base." Yang said, 'Please let them find a nuke or a tank to destroy the base.' Yang begged in her mind,

' _Thank you again aznalpha for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

_Cuts back to Sandtrap. The C.T. from earlier is returning with a purple alien, Smith._

"WAH! ALIEN!" The girls shouted out as they jumped at the sight of the alien,

"Okay, why is there an alien in the desert?" Ruby asked, "Please don't tell me it's mating season."

"If it's anything like Crunchbite, it should be there for religious reasons." Weiss answered, causing Ruby to sigh with relief, "And possible mating, but let's not worry about that and focus on right now."

'Stop thinking about the thing. Stop thinking about the thing.' Blake chanted in her head as she blushed, remembering all the drawings she did of Crunchbite's *ahem* item,

' _Think about the penis Blake. Think about the penis_!' Noire thought, trying to corrupt the Faunus, ' _But don't you fucking dare think about Junior_.'

"It's standing too close to the guy in brown armour." Yang said, really not liking how close the alien was to the guy, "It's standing too close."

 **C.T.:**  Okay, now, we want the three of you to go-

 **Grif & Sarge:** Whoa! ( _back down_ )

 **Caboose:**  Uh oh. ( _backs down_ )

 **C.T.:**  What the…? Oh, right! Sorry, I'm so used to working with aliens now that I forget that some people don't have any experience.

"Oh, these guys have the experience." Ruby said, "Some more than others."

"Particularly someone teal." Blake added.

 **Sarge:**  Oh, we've got experience with these things. Some of us more than others.

 **C.T.:**  You guys fought aliens during a war?

_Grif and Sarge look to Caboose, who looks down dejectedly, and then turn their attention back to C.T._

"Well, there were aliens and there was definitely a war." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  …Yeah. Something like that. Let's just say we got a little closer to them than we thought physically possible.

 **C.T.:**  Well, don't worry about ol' Smith here. He's really friendly.

"That does not fill us with confidence." Yang said,

" _But I know what will_.  _Ah-Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire joked.

*BZZT!*

" _Still worth it._ " Noire groaned from the floor before pulling herself up.

 **Grif:**  …Yeah, that doesn't really put us at ease.

_Cuts to the UNSC Maximum Security Detention Facility. Washington is with a guard._

"We haven't seen Wash much. I wonder why he wants to see the Commander." Blake muttered, narrowing her eyes.

 **Guard:** All right Washington. The man in charge has agreed to see you. You have five minutes. Do anything aggressive, and I'll shoot you. Do anything weird, and I'll shoot you. Do anything I don't like—

"And you'll shoot him. Okay. I think I'm getting the pattern." Weiss said.

 **Washington:**  And you'll shoot me. I got it. I think I've identified the pattern.

"Love child~" Yang sang out while Weiss' eye twitched. Weiss then imagined every possible response she could think of.

(Weiss' mind)

"EAT THE STUPID DILDO, WHORE!"

"I'm gonna haunt your ass when you die."

"Well, I know who I'm going to use as a test dummy for that Purple Dust father sent me."

"DIE!"

*Throws Yang out the window*

*Throws Yang through wall*

*Throws Yang out the window then through a wall*

"Give me scissors. Now."

"Well then, FREEZE BITCH!"

"BURN BITCH!"

"SHOCKING, AIN'T IT BITCH!"

"EAT DIRT, BITCH!"

"BITCH!"

*Silently activates Aura Mode*

*Silently goes into her ghost form*

*Silently goes into her Aura Mode while in her ghost form*

*Makes Yang play E.T.: The Video Game*

"Blake, may I borrow your ribbon? And Gambol Shroud?"

"Noire, you have my permission to rape Yang. And yes, you can be the dominatrix."

"Ruby. Don't look."

"FALCON PUNCH!"

"Whatever,  _Sister_."

"Yang. I have certain set of skills that you do not want me to use. If you continue, I will use these certain set of skills to make sure that SHARKIE-CHAN FUCKS YOUR FUCKING ASS!"

(Reality)

"Sh-Shut up!" Weiss shouted at the Blonde childishly as she crossed her arms and puffed out her cheeks. Yang only smirked at the Heiress and silently enjoyed her victory.

 **Guard:**  Talk back again, and I'll shoot you. I don't know why he's even seeing you.

 **Washington:**  Because I know something he wants to know.

"What does Wash know that the Commander doesn't?" Blake asked.

 **Guard:**  Well, good for you. You have five minutes.

 **Washington:**  Guess I should say thank you.

 **Guard:**  I guess you should get going. Your five minutes already started.

"Huh, well this is familiar." Ruby muttered, remembering the scene from Recovery One with Wash saying the exact same thing the guard just said. It felt like foreshadowing to her.

_The door opens._

**Chairman:**  My dear Agent Washington. I'm so pleased to meet your acquaintance, do come in. I feel that we have much to discuss.

"The Chairman!?" The RWBYs & Noire exclaimed,

"What does the Chairman want with Wash?" Ruby asked, "I thought he had enough evidence to bring the Director to justice."

"I guess it wasn't enough." Weiss guessed, "I'm guessing the E.M.P wiped out all the evidence needed to bring down the Director and now Wash is in jail because of it."

"And what does Wash know after the conversation with Caboose?" Blake muttered, "There was no mention of Epsilon at all during it and there wasn't anything else significant said that needed to be told to the Chairman."

"Well, whatever Wash wants to tell the Chairman, it has to be something that'll help them take down the Director." Yang said,

" _Whatever, let's just go eat_." Noire said as everyone got up from the couch. Noire then remembered something, " _Um, actually, guys. Stay here. Yang, I'd like to discuss with you about my secret_."

"Uh, okay." Yang said as she followed Noire out the dorm,

"Hm. I wonder what Noire wants to talk about." Ruby muttered. Suddenly there was a lot of screaming coming from the hallway. And I mean, a  _lot_ of screaming,

"Revenge complete." Weiss whispered,

"What?" Blake asked,

"NOTHING!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	57. Worst Christmas Ever. Of All Time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still for consistency! And Merry Christmas if you're actually reading this during the Christmas Season!
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was December 25th and everyone, from the children to the adults, woke up with a smile. It was Christmas, you see, and everyone was glad that even after everything that had fallen upon the world, nothing would stop them celebrating the merriest time of the year. Today, it was all about family, friends and all that good stuff about the world. And to make things better, there was snow littering the streets of Vale, even though it was the middle of summer. Many were saying that this year was going to be the best Christmas ever. Of all time.

Too bad that wasn't the case for Team RWBY.

"Hey, Weiss, I'm glad you used your Aura Mode to make it snow in Vale, but for the love of God: I don't want to play your stupid fucking game!" Yang shouted into her headset, "It's  _Christmas_ , for God's sake! We should be doing Christmas stuff! Throw snowballs at each other, open presents, drink eggnog or something!"

"Yang, we don't know how to make eggnog, we don't have presents to open and I'm pretty sure Noire would try and do something with the snowballs." Blake pointed out. She was glad that Noire was missing today. She left a note saying that she had to do some stuff to do and wouldn't be back until the next day. She had no idea what she was doing but she guessed it was probably to masturbate or something,

"Yeah, and this is the closest thing I have on me that relates to Christmas. So don't judge me." Weiss said. She managed to convince everyone to play a game she found while on Vapour (AN: Steam rip-off) and got everyone in separate rooms. She had what was left of the Teacher's Lounge, Ruby got the dorm, Yang was using JNPR's dorm and Blake chose the Library. Now, they were just waiting for the game to load,

"Uh… 'Viscera Cleanup Detail' doesn't sound Christmas-y. Or fun." Ruby spoke up,

"Like I said, don't judge me! Anyway, we're playing the DLC: Santa's Rampage."

"Wait, wait, wait. Santa's  _what_!?" Yang exclaimed, "And why hasn't this stupid game loaded yet!?"

"Just be patient, Yang. And I'm sure the game isn't that bad." Blake said, though was a bit suspicious about why Weiss didn't tell them what the game was about. But the word 'Viscera' did not sit well in her stomach. Anyway, they kept waiting for the game to load. Soon, they started grow bored. Then, Weiss started whistling Jingle Bells,

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way…" Blake sang quietly. Suddenly, Ruby got an idea how to alleviate their boredom.

"Hey, Yang." Ruby said,

"Yeah Ruby?" Yang replied,

"Hey, word on the street is that you've got Christmas Swag."

"Oh God…" Blake groaned,

"I do! I do!" Yang said, catching on what Ruby was saying,

"Oh, you do? Well, let's it show it, okay?" Ruby said as Weiss got out her Scroll and started playing the song she knew they were about to sing,

"I will, with you!" Yang said,

"YEAH!" The RWBYs shouted out. Cue another musical number!

 **RWBY:** Cash and clothes

Wrapped in bows

I got all of those!

 **Ruby & Yang: **Ay…!

 **RWBY:** Christmas gifts and perky lips

Under mistletoes!

 **Weiss & Blake: **Ski…!

 **RWBY:** Cookies and milk

Snow and balls

Santa's got a really big bag!

 **Ruby & Yang: **Hey…!

 **RWBY:** Everybody best be lookin' at me

'Cause I got Christmas Swag!

 **Weiss:** Rainbow coloured lights on the house?

 **Blake & Yang: **I got that!

 **Ruby:** Heart full of happiness and cheer?

 **Blake & Yang: **I got that!

 **Ruby:** Candy canes, chocolate rain!

 **Weiss:** Unicorns and silly games!

 **Blake:** Trains and planes, champagne to brain!

 **Yang:** Every little thing I got it!

 **RWBY:** No!

 **Ruby:** I'm popping bottles of eggnog

 **RWBY:** SWAG!

 **Weiss:** Singing Christmas carols with my dad

 **RWBY:** SWAG!

 **Blake:** I'm the best

 **RWBY:** BRAG!

 **Yang:** Happy tail

 **RWBY:** WAG!

Bufferin' bar low

( _Pause_ )

 **RWBY:** LAG!

Cash and clothes

Wrapped in bows

I got all of those!

 **Ruby & Yang: **Ay…!

 **RWBY:** Christmas gifts and perky lips

Under mistletoes!

 **Weiss & Blake: **Ski…!

 **RWBY:** Cookies and milk

Snow and balls

Santa's got a really big bag!

 **Ruby & Yang: **Hey…!

 **RWBY:** Everybody best be lookin' at me

'Cause I got Christmas Swag!

 **Ruby & Yang: **I got a tummy ache from eatin' all them cookies

But guess what

 **Blake & Weiss: **What?

 **Ruby & Yang: **I got more cookies!

 **Blake:** On a plate by a tree,

 **Weiss:** Santa's gonna be hungry, but if he's ever late

 **Ruby & Yang: **I'm gonna eat his cookies!

 **Ruby:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** The house,

 **Weiss:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** The tree,

 **Blake:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** My homies,

 **Yang:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** Steve!

 **Ruby:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** My car,

 **Weiss:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** This chair,

 **Blake:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** The trash,

 **Yang:** I decorate

 **RWBY:** DECORATIONS!

Cash and clothes

Wrapped in bows

I got all of those!

 **Ruby & Yang: **Ay…!

 **RWBY:** Christmas gifts and perky lips

Under mistletoes!

 **Weiss & Blake: **Ski…!

 **RWBY:** Cookies and milk

Snow and balls

Santa's got a really big bag!

 **Ruby & Yang: **Hey…!

 **RWBY:** Everybody best be lookin' at me

'Cause I got Christmas Swag!

Christmas Swag!

( _Cue dancing_ )

I got Christmas Swag!

"Hey, game's loaded." Blake announced as they got back into their seats, "Okay, it says here that I'm 21 and my occupation is Hygiene Technician."

"Oh, c'mon! We're janitors!? Fuck!" Ruby swore, "Hey, I'm 19 years old!"

"You guys are lucky. I'm 45." Yang said, "Weiss, how old are you in the game?" Weiss groaned as she looked at her age before sighing,

"89." Weiss groaned, causing the girls to giggle, "Hey, but that means I'll be retiring soon and guys are many years away from it, so fuck you!"

"Let's just read the brief." Blake said as she read it out loud, "The tragic events that unfolded at this workshop must not deter you from performing your duties in a manner befitting the company's reputation. Your work here entails cleaning up the horrific after of Mr. Claus' unfortunate… breakdown. Oh…"

"'Breakdown'? Everything looks fi-AAAAHHHH!" Ruby yelled as everyone shut the brief and looked where Ruby was looking. They looked behind them and saw a couple of gored elves in puddles of blood against the door, which had ripped police tape from the looks of it. Ruby hesitantly switched to her hands and picked one of the dead elves.

And started crying.

"Ruby, it's just a game." Weiss reminded her Leader. This caused her to cry even more, "Ugh… she's not gonna help so ignore her and help me mop up this blood." Weiss ordered as she started mopping up the blood at the doorway,

"And this is a supposed to be a Christmas game." Yang muttered as they left the starting area and into the workshop. They saw various presents wrapped up and ready for delivery, but noticed that they were quiet big compared to the ones they usually got for Christmas. Even Weiss didn't get that big of a present. They looked around and saw splatters of blood in areas and a few dead elves. They quickly started checking the rooms that were available before they started cleaning,

"Blake, do you mind getting me a bucket? My mop's dirty." Weiss asked. Blake nodded and went over to the Slosh-O-Matic, which she assumed would dispense buckets. She switched to her hands and clicked on the machine. The machine started making noises before it dispensed a bucket for Blake she quickly handed it over to Weiss, who started cleaning the main area. She decided to take Santa's office since it was the smallest room in the map, leaving Yang with the small workshop upstairs. They decided to leave the rest of the workshop for later. Anyway, while Yang was cleaning and throwing dead bodies at Weiss so she could incinerate them, she noticed a part of the floor boards was oddly coloured. After throwing down the last elf, she switched to her hands clicked on the floor boards, which she grabbed,

"Oh dear fucking God." Yang said as she tore away the last floor board, revealing all the dead little bodies buried underneath, "What. The Fuck."

"Uh, guys, what should I do with this?" Blake asked as she left Santa's office,

"Throw it in the fireplace. Anything that looks incriminating goes into the fire." Weiss said. Blake still wasn't sure but she shrugged and threw the dynamite into the fire,

"Hey, look what I found!" Yang called out as she jumped down to the main floor, just in time to get killed by the explosion,

"Oh shit!" Blake & Weiss shouted out as they saw Yang getting reduced to giblets. When Yang respawned, she went into Santa's office and grabbed a bundle of TNT and set it off, before throwing it at Blake, causing both of them to die in a big mess,

"Stop killing yourselves! You're making a mess!" Weiss shouted at them as she started cleaning up their dead bodies. She then realized that her mop was making the mess worse, "Fuck!" She swore before she went over to the Slosh-O-Matic, "I swear to God, if you kill each other aga-" She didn't finish her sentence as she heard hissing. She looked and saw another bundle of TNT getting dispensed from the machine. She quickly grabbed it and threw it into Santa's office and ran, escaping the explosion but creating more of a mess since there was still left over TNT and Molotov Cocktails in the room,

"Weiss, I just cleaned that!" Blake complained before causing a bloody bucket to tip over, causing more of a mess, "Yang! You left a bucket here!"

"I'm cleaning it!" Yang shouted back as she angrily cleaned the mess,

"You're making it worse!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Yang snapped before grabbing a present and started shoving it into the fire, "GET IN THERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Yang, you're ruining Christmas!" Weiss shouted at the blonde,

"Christmas is already ruined!" Ruby cried from the starting area,

"Am I the only one trying to clean?" Weiss muttered, before she saw Blake putting toys into the janitor's trunk, "Blake!"

"Sorry! But I read the notes in Santa's office. These kids are spoiled. They don't even deserve a fraction of the stuff they're given. Plus debt, divorce, eviction and a drinking problem, no wonder Santa flipped out." Blake said,

"But it doesn't mean you can steal toys!" Weiss said before sighing, "You know what, just go to the cellar and clean there. I'll do this area." Blake said 'yes' before heading down to the cellar. After a few minutes of trying to stop Yang from destroying more presents, they heard Blake start crying. They quickly stopped what they were doing to check up on her. Everything looked normal. Blake had put all the elf bodies in in biohazard bins. Well, except there weren't just dead elves in there.

There were reindeer parts as well.

"This isn't cellar. This is the place where Santa keeps his reindeer." Yang said in horror,

"Well, 'kept'." Weiss corrected as she went up to Blake to see why she was crying. Her question was soon answered as soon as she saw Blake holding onto Rudolf's glowing nose, "Well, she's not gonna help either. I'll burn the biohazard bins, you go and clean up the wood from the wall upstairs. And for the love of God, don't destroy any more presents." Weiss ordered. Yang made her character nod before heading up stairs. Weiss managed to burn everything Blake had cleaned up and mopped up any blood Blake missed. Then, she heard Yang start crying, "Okay! What is it this time!?" Weiss shouted out before angrily making her way to the crying blonde before stopping, "You know what, fuck this. I'm doing this by myself." Weiss said as she started mopping up blood. Anyway, after hours of hard virtual work, Weiss had finally done it. The workshop was spotless and everything was back in its place. She admired her work. There was no evidence of a rampage any where apart from the giant gaping hole that lead into the next room and a few missing floor boards since Yang burned them all, but overall the place was spotless,

"Wow… you did a really good job Weiss." Ruby said as she came into the room. Weiss almost forgot that she stopped crying hours ago,

"Yeah, this place is spotless." Blake said as she left the cellar,

"You did a good job Princess." Yang said, appearing from Santa's office,

"Well, it's no thanks to you guys. I had to do it by myself." Weiss said as she glared at them,

"Uh… yeah… about that…" Ruby mumbled as she scratched the back of her head, "I kinda didn't wanna do it so I just faked crying. I even recorded my crying with my Scroll and let it do the crying for me until it ran out of power."

"Yeah, me too." Blake & Yang admitted,

"Sorry Weiss, but really, who would play a game where you're a janitor?" Ruby asked as she went over to the panel and clocked off. Yang & Blake soon followed her, which only left Weiss, who was still processing that her friends just made her do all the work. In a video game, no less,

"This is the worst Christmas ever." Weiss said as she over to the panel to clock out, "Of all time." It took her 20 seconds to realize what she had just said,

"FUCK!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	58. A Small Skip (Lay Of The Land, Dumb Cop, Bad Cop, Well Hello)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

'Ugh… what happened? Where am I?' Yang groaned in her mind as she slowly opened her eyes. She found herself laying face down on the ground so she slowly stood up and looked around. She noted that she was in the Assembly area and the sun was setting, 'Why am I here out of all places?' She thought before looking on the ground. To her surprise, she saw the rest of her teammates knocked out cold with Noire nowhere in sight, "What the Hell happened?" The Blonde Brawler muttered to herself. Suddenly, she started hearing something coming from the sky and looked up.

And saw an airship coming right at her.

"Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" Yang shouted as she quickly picked up her teammates and started running away from the danger zone. She was lucky that the ship was currently having the slowest crash landing in history. She quickly dived into somewhere safe but just in case, she used her body to shield her teammates, "Don't. Let us. Die." She prayed as she closed her eyes and prepared for the worst.

But nothing happened.

No sounds of crashing. No feeling of the tremors it would've caused. Not even the quiet sound of the wind outside. Nothing. Actually, all she could feel was the couch under her ass, "Huh? What?" Yang said as she opened her eyes, only to see she was back in the dorm with her teammates setting up for the next set of episodes, "What the Hell!?"

"Yang, what's wrong?" Weiss asked,

"I-I don't know," Yang answered as she rubbed her forehead, "All I remember is Noire-" She quickly cut herself off as she slowly turned her head towards the perverted cat girl, "Noire… what did you do to me when we left for that 'talk'?"

"' _Talk'_?  _What talk_?  _We ate lunch before we started setting up for the next set._ " Noire said as she narrowed her eyes, " _Are you sure it wasn't just a day dream or something_?"

"No! I wasn't dreaming! At least, I don't think I did."

"Yang, explain to us what happened." Ruby said. After Yang told them about what she had experienced in as much detail as she could remember, they all started trying to figure out what happened,

"I've got nothing." Blake finally said, "Yang, I told you not to eat all those chili dogs."

"One, I eat that much all the time. And two, it wasn't a dream! It just felt… real." Yang said as she pinched the bridge of her nose, "What the fuck happened to me?"

" _Maybe we'll find out later_.  _TV's ready for more RvB_." Noire announced as everyone went back to the couch,

"I swear, it happened!" Yang exclaimed, "You gotta believe me."

"Yang, this is a problem for the future, so relax and let's just get through the set." Weiss said as she gave the remote to Yang. The Brawler sighed and shook her head before pressing play.

**(Lay Of The Land)**

_At Valhalla, Lopez is seen walking towards Red base, away from Simmons. Donut walks up to Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Donut! Where have you been?

 **Donut:**  Just seeing if the guy at Blue Base had anything valuable to move out. You know, before we burn it to the ground. Caboose asked me to housesit.

"And what a great job you're doing so far." Weiss muttered as she rolled her eyes, "Helping someone burn it to the ground and loot his stuff."

 **Simmons:**  Did they have anything valuable?

"'Valuable'? There's barely anything there. Maybe food, water and some tech but they probably have a lot back at Red Base." Ruby said, "Hell, the most valuable thing I could think of in Blue Base is Epsilon."

" _And considering Caboose probably took it with him, there's nothing really worth taking_." Noire added, " _Blake should know this, right Pussy_?"

"Please, just shut up." Blake mumbled, "Oh wait, I can make you."

" _Hu_ -"

*BZZT!*

"Again, still wondering where her shock collar is." Yang said as Noire recovered,

" _You don't wanna know._ " Noire groaned as she sat back down on the couch, ' _Thank you aznalpha for the joke._ '

 **Donut:**  Well, I'm not gonna tell you! You'll just find it and burn it.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, that's true. But tell me anyway.

 **Donut:**  Nah, there's not much over there. Just some spare parts from Caboose's "build-a-new-best-friend" project. …and it looks like he took that A.I. unit with him.

" _And I was right_." Noire muttered.

 **Simmons:**  So dumb. …wait, what? A.I. unit?

"Oh you know, the A.I that has all of the Alpha's memories and went insane inside Wash's which left him mentally scarred, and is also the key piece of evidence needed to make the Director pay for his crimes." Ruby said, "God bless Church's soul, by the way. Not the Director's. Church's."

 **Donut:**  Yeah! It was kind of cool. It was purple and liked to hear old stories about—

 **Simmons:**  What? He kept that!? He wasn't supposed to keep that! I thought he turned it in! That was part of the deal for getting our bases! We had to turn over all equipment!

"Well, Donut didn't exactly get the memo, almost dying from dehydration and all." Weiss said, "Anyway, Caboose should've turn Epsilon in instead of keeping it."

"Yeah, but without Epsilon, Caboose wouldn't have went on that mission to rescue Tucker." Yang pointed out, "Plus, there's the added bonus of the possibility of getting back into Command's records."

"But then again, what's the point?" Blake asked, "The Reds and Blues aren't even considered soldiers and can be easily replaced, and there's the possibility that their new Command won't care about it anymore. The only reason why Grif & Sarge went with Caboose is so they could kill him and get it registered as a win."

 **Donut:**  You're talking to me about things that don't really make any sense. I've been kind of gone. I don't know if you noticed.

 **Simmons:**  I need to tell Sarge and have him get it back from that idiot…

"Uh, that might be a problem considering that there's an ocean, a desert and a  _minefield_ between them and the Chupathingy is more than likely too busted up to survive the journey." Blake said, "Seriously, I still can't believe it took them so long to understand the concept of a minefield."

"Though, you kinda start expecting it from them." Yang pointed out. The others nodded at her in agreement.

_A radio sounds._

**Simmons:**  Sarge, come in. Sarge. Sarge, do you read?

_The only response is static. Simmons sighs_

"Looks like Epsilon isn't going anywhere for a bit." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  Ah, dammit. Hey Lopez!

 **Lopez:**   _Yes._

 **Simmons:**  Is the radio busted?

 **Lopez:**   _Busted radio. How come no one ever wants to talk to me about anything else?_

"One, you're the only mechanic the Reds have right now. And two, they're kinda too busy being dumbasses." Yang said,

" _And three, they can't understand you anyway. So why bother asking_?" Noire added.

 **Simmons:**  The radio! ( _slowly_ ) No work? Call Sarge-o. Yes or no.

"Oh for the love of-HE DOESN'T SPEAK FUCKINGENGLISH AND YOU DON'T SPEAK FUCKING SPANISH! Seriously, Mass Effect has Universal Translators in 2183 for every fucking species in the galaxy! Halo is set in 2531 and they can't even understand a language from their own  _planet_!" Weiss shouted out,

"Um, they're two completely different franchises." Blake said, "One's about shooting bad guys, and the other is to deciding whenever or not you shoot the bad guys."

"I DON'T CARE! I'M MAD, THEREFORE SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BOSH'TET!"

" _And… this is a sign indicating whenever or not you've played too much Mass Effect for your own good._ " Noire groaned as she shook her head, " _Ugh… this is gonna be a long three seasons._ " Once Weiss calmed down, they continued the episode.

 **Lopez:**   _You speak English worse than I do. (also slowly) Yes. Radio. Good. Butt. Up yours._

"I'mguessing that's payback for being racist to him." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons:**  ( _still slowly)_  Then, how come I can't get Sarge?

 **Lopez:**   _Maybe their radio is busted, Einstein._

 **Simmons:**  ( _still slowly)_  Can you fix it?

"Sure… because Lopez can fix a radio from Sandtrap all the way from Valhalla. His is a wizard after all." Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes, "He even has a spell called 'Snommis Kcid Citobor Ym Kcus' which becomes a curse if you say the whole spell backwards."

 **Lopez:**   _Can I fix their radio, from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magical robot._

 **Simmons:**  How come, in all these years of working with us, you haven't managed to learn one single word of English?

 **Lopez:**   _I don't know. Probably trying to avoid conversations like this._

"That, and to make sure nobody knows what he actually says." Yang added, "I mean, c'mon, is there anyone in the damn series that's actually bilingual!?"

" _Meh, probably, but not right now._ " Noire muttered, ' _Thank you aznalpha for another joke_!'

_Cuts to Sandtrap._

**C.T.:**  Now I'm sure you've heard about the treaties between aliens and people. We're here to investigate an energy reading. Rules are now, if they find one of these things, all investigation teams have to have at least one person and one alien. No exceptions.

"What if it's both alien  _and_ human?" Ruby asked before the mental images started pouring into their heads, "Oh dear God…"

"Welp, I'm gonna have nightmares tonight." Weiss muttered,

'H.P Lovecraft has nothing on what I'm thinking.' Blake thought,

"Another memory to drink away." Yang said,

" _Actually, that would be kinda hot_." Noire admitted. Suddenly, everything stopped. Everyone, including the ones on the TV screen, just stared at her, " _I meant the whole process_.  _Not the whole human-Blarghian hybrid, though Junior will always have a special place in my heart_." Everyone just continued to stare at her, " _There is Poképhilia and I know Blake is into it. I also know I'm lying but there are people who will get off on that_!" Everyone still continued to stare at the perverted cat girl, " _I don't get paid enough for this_."

"You know what, let's just say this whole thing never happened." T'Ambrose told everyone,

" _Yeah…_ " Noire agreed, " _Let's never talk about this. Ever. Including you._ "

"I have no idea who Noire's talking about, but I don't care. I just want this thing out of my life." Yang said,

"So, we're in agreement. This never happened." Weiss clarified, with Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Yang, Noire, Caboose, Sarge, Grif, C.T and Smith nodding. Although, only Noire noticed those last five responding to Weiss, "Good."

"So… back to the episode?" Blake asked,

"Back to the episode." And with that, everything returned to normal as the episode continued as scripted.

 **Sarge:**  What kind of energy reading?

 **C.T.:**  I can't tell you that. In fact, I need you to leave this area A.S.A.P. The alien diplomats will get mighty suspicious if they find another human squad showed up. We don't want to cause an intergalactic incident.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure they've caused more than a few intergalactic incidents in the past few seasons." The Ninja Faunus said, "Or any kind of large-scale incident for that matter."

 **Caboose:**  Oh, we're used to doing that…

 **Sarge:**  Ooh, ah, what my friend means is that we're, um, used to following protocol.

"Well, one of you anyway." Weiss muttered.

 **C.T.:**  Good! Then you guys just head on your way and we don't need to report this to anybody.

 **Grif:**  Dude, we're not going anywhere. Our jeep is wrecked.

_The jeep behind them explodes._

"And now it's completely destroyed." Ruby added as Yang left to punch a wall and curse before the Brawler came back.

 **C.T.:**  Damn. Okay, we'll help you repair your jeep, and then you're gone. Couple of rules while you're here. This is a restricted dig site. Everything here is property of the military. Do not go looking for any artifacts. And do not go anywhere without telling me. Got it?

 **Grif:**  Yes Mom, we got it.

" _Especially when the entire dig site is surrounded by a minefield_." Noire added.

 **C.T.:**  Okay. Quick quiz, then. What are you gonna do if you find an artifact?

 **Caboose:**  Not take it.

 **C.T.:**  No, that was a trick question. You're not going to find an artifact because you're not going to be looking for an artifact.

"But what happens if you find one by accident?" Ruby asked, "Or mistaken it for a car part and somehow make the jeep fly?"

"Ruby, the current version of the Chupathingy is already a very flawed design. Don't give them anymore ideas." Weiss said in a serious tone.

 **Caboose:**  Maybe I know it was a trick question… so I gave you a trick answer.

 **C.T.:**  There are no trick answers, there are only wrong answers.

"There are also right answers too." Blake muttered.

 **C.T.:** Are we clear?

 **Grif:**  Yes.

 **C.T.:**  Are. We. Clear?

 **Sarge, Grif & Caboose:** Yes!

"Okay, they get it!" Yang exclaimed, "They're gonna last two seconds obeying those rules before they fuck up but they get it."

 **C.T.:**  Okay. Then head down there. On the left, you'll find some wracked jeeps you can scavenge for parts. There's also water down there on the left, too. Keep yourselves hydrated. You want some chow? It's with the water on the left.

 **Sarge:**  Thanks. And we'll be leaving as soon as we can.

 **C.T.:**  Yes, you will.

" _Okay, I have to say I do not trust this guy_." Noire said, " _He just seems a bit… paranoid, I guess_.  _I mean, c'mon, no dig site should have a minefield around it. Something's definitely going on, it is definitely not good_."

_Sarge, Grif, and Caboose start heading to where they were told to go._

**Grif:**  Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Sarge?

 **Sarge:**  Yeah. Something just doesn't seem right.

 **Caboose:**  I know. Everything is on the left.

"…Okay, that is kinda strange." Ruby admitted.

 **Grif:**  Shut up, Caboose.

 **Smith:**  Rghg?

 **C.T.:**  No, I don't think they know anything. You get back to the temple. Keep working on getting it open. I'll take care of these idiots.

_The camera pans out to reveal a further off area. Behind the ruins are several dead aliens and soldiers of the first expeditionary dig team._

"Oh, you fucking fucktards." Yang growled,

"It looks like a rouge faction took over the dig site and killed whoever was there. Whatever they're doing there isn't good." Blake guessed,

"Fuck." Weiss cursed,

"I knew we couldn't trust this guy." Ruby said as she shook her head, "Maybe he's the one causing trouble for Tucker."

" _Yeah, most likely_." Noire muttered before shaking her head, " _But what's so important about what's in that temple they mentioned is the question_."

"Well, let's hurry it up and find out." Blake said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Dumb Cop, Bad Cop)**

_The camera appears over Sandtrap, where Sarge and Caboose are by C.T.'s jeepand Grif by the wrecked jeeps and other junk, trying to radio Simmons at Valhalla._

**Grif:**  Simmons, come on Simmons, are you there or what?  _(No answer, only static)_  Okay I give up. Something's wrong with the radio now too. I'll go check their jeep.

 **Sarge:**  What the hell is wrong with this jeep anyway? It doesn't have a turret.

"I have to admit, it's just fucking weird to see a Chupathingy without a weapon at the back." Ruby admitted.

 **Caboose:**  Maybe it's just a car?

 **Sarge:**  What does that mean?

"Oh you know, it's just a jeep except it doesn't have a chaingun in the back." Yang said, "For example, most kinds of cars not in the military."

 **Caboose:**  You know, like a car. A regular car.

 **Sarge:**  What kind of car doesn't have a massive cannon on it?

 **Caboose:**  All kinds of cars. Most kinds of cars.

" _And with that, Caboose gets an IQ point while Sarge loses 10_." Noire said, " _He's now out of the negatives and now has an IQ of 0. Congratulations_."

 **Sarge:**  That's ridiculous. That would be like saying there's some kind of thing you can wear on your head that's not armor plated, and doesn't offer a 5x optical zoom.

"How long has Sarge been in the military?" Blake asked, wondering if Sarge's entire life was based around the military,

"My guess: Way too long for his own good." Weiss answered.

 **Caboose:**  I think you've been in the military a really long time.

 **Sarge:**  Yep. It's been a good run.

"Now we're just waiting for that run to end." Yang said under her breath.

 **Grif:**  Damnit, no radio here either? Someone's yanked it out. Why would they deliberately pull the radio out of their own jeep?

"Well, considering how paranoid the guy in brown armour is, I'm guessing they sabotaged every radio they could find so if someone were to stumble upon the dig site they couldn't radio for help if they ever found out what they were doing there." Weiss theorized,

"Well, considering they murdered an entire expedition team, they can't risk anyone from the military finding out about it." Ruby said, "But what's so important about these artifacts that people are willing to kill innocent people and risk an intergalactic incident?"

 **Caboose:**  Let me take a look at it Grif.

 **Grif:**  Why? You want to confirm that there's no radio?

 **Caboose:**  Maybe I can fix it.

"It's not even there Caboose. The only radio they have is the one in the EMP Cannon Chupathingy, and I'm pretty sure you can't fix that without other parts." Blake said.

 **Grif:**  How are you going to fix something that isn't even the- You know what, no, fuck it, go for it, whatever.  _(walks over to Sarge)_  Sarge, this place gives me the creeps. Something's really wrong here. I mean, why would they deliberately pull the radio out of their own jeep, and why can't I get a signal on long range?

"Maybe after Tucker tried to get in contact with Command, they took out the radios and put up something to jam long-range signals." Ruby guessed.

 **Sarge:**  Something does seem out of place, but maybe we're overreacting. Maybe they're just using the parts from this radio to fix the others.

 **Grif:**  And we just happen to only find all the ones that are broken? That seems unlikely.

 **Sarge:**  Hmm, maybe they have one enormous radio somewhere that requires a ton of parts, like one the size of a house.

"Yeah, because they're definitely going for the world record for World's Largest and Most Useless Radio." Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif:**  ...Once again, unlikely. Wait a second...  _(camera and Grif turn to the Elephant)_  What about that thing? The big freighter? It looks like a mobile base. Maybe it has a radio.

" _They probably ripped the Elephant's one out too but there is a possibility that they kept one in working order_." Noire said.

_The camera jumps to Caboose by the jeep._

**Caboose:**  Sheila, is that you? Are you there? Um... Delta? Tex?

"Okay, what is he doing?" Yang muttered as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Sarge:**  Hey, what are you up to over there?

 **Caboose:**  Nothing.  _(drops the Epsilon unit)_  I'm up to nothing.

"Well, that confirms he brought Epsilon with him." Weiss said, "Though, he might've put Epsilon in danger. We have no idea what they're capable of if they get their hands on it."

 **Sarge:**  What is that? What are you doing?

 _C.T. is shown walking towards Sarge, Grif and Caboose_.

 **Grif:**  Uh-oh, here comes-

"Trouble." The RWBYs and Noire finished in unison.

 **Sarge:** Caboose, stop messing with their jeep.

 **Caboose:**  I'm not doing anything! Just ignore me!

 **Sarge:** If you're not doing anything, then what would we be ignoring?

" _Uh, Caboose in general_?" Noire suggested.

 **Caboose:**  Ignore what I'm not doing.

_Scene jumps to Red Base at Valhalla, with Lopez and Simmons by two motorcycles._

**Lopez:**   _OK Simmons. Your motorcycles are ready._

"THEY'RE FUCKING ATVs, YOU FUCKING DUMBASSES!" Yang yelled out, freaking out the others,

' _If they don't motorcycles in the next game or at least model one, I'll shoot someone_.' Noire thought as she ringing in her ears started to fade.

 **Simmons:**  Wow Lopez. That's great. You made motorcycles? Thanks!

 **Lopez:**   _Now you can catch up to Sarge, tell him about that A.I. unit._

 **Simmons:**  Now I can catch up to Sarge, and tell him all about that A.I. unit he has.

 **Lopez:**   _Are you mocking me?_

"No, I think it's more of a coincidence more than anything else." Blake said.

 **Simmons:**  All right. I'll be back as soon as I can. Come on, Donut!  _(No response)_  Hey Lopez? Did you see where Donut went?

"Probably at Blue Base, doing maintenance for Caboose." Ruby guessed.

 **Lopez:**   _No._

 **Simmons:**  I bet he's over at Blue Base again. I'll go get him. Man, why do I have to do everything around here?

"Uh, isn't it Lopez usually doing everything." Weiss pointed out, "I mean, he did build the Simulation Room and he did just build two mo-ATVs." Weiss had to be careful not to call the Mongooses 'motorcycles' or else she would set Yang off again.

 **Lopez:**   _You? I'm the one who just built two motorcycles._

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, I know Lopez. I guess I'm just naturally responsible, and people take advantage of that. It's a curse really.  _(gets on one of the motorcycle)_  I'll go grab Donut and bring him back for his motorcycle.

 **Lopez:**   _No. That's not for Donut._

"It's not for Donut? Then who is it for?" Yang asked before they paused to think about, "Wait, never mind, already figured it out."

 **Simmons:**  No, that's not for Donut? Then why'd you build a second one?

 **Lopez:**   _That's a spare. If there's anything I've learned about working with you idiots, it's always build two vehicles._

"Nah, make that three or four just in case." Ruby said as she got out a stopwatch, "Let's see how long it takes for Simmons to wreck the ATV."

 **Simmons:**  Uh-huh? I don't even understand- okay whatever Lopez, see you soon!  _(As soon as Simmons drives off-screen, an explosion is heard with the wrecked motorcycle coming back into view. Simmons then goes to Lopez.)_  Hey, um, I'm just gonna take this other motorcycle.

 **Lopez:**   _The keys are in the ignition._

"Not even five-fucking-seconds." Blake muttered as she shook her head,

" _Command really has to make a note to never trust a Red with a vehicle of any type, huh_." Noire said, " _I mean, the Reds are costing them millions on car insurance alone_."

_Screen jumps to Sarge and Grif at Sandtrap_

**Sarge:**  Okay, let's see what we can find out. You guys follow my lead.

"I can already tell whatever Sarge is doing isn't gonna work." T'Ambrose said, with the others agreeing.

_C.T., Sarge, and Grif approach each other._

**C.T.:**  Hey, what's going on down here?

 **Caboose:**  I said nothing.

"Already fucking it up Caboose." Weiss whispered.

 **Sarge:**   _(coughs)_  We're just down here scavenging for parts like you said.

 **C.T.:**  Okay, well hurry it up.

 **Grif:**  You realize we're not gonna fix this in like the next ten minutes right?

"Yeah, especially with all the missing parts." Blake added in.

 **C.T.:**  Yeah, just the sooner the better.

 **Sarge:**  Why? What's going on around here?

 **C.T.:**  I can't tell you that.

 **Sarge:**  You can't tell us, or you don't want to tell us?

 **C.T.:**  I can't tell you which is convenient because I don't want to tell you.

"Yeah, telling them about all the murdered soldiers and aliens you're hiding at the back isn't exactly a good thing to do." Yang said.

 **Grif:**  Why don't you want to tell us?

 **C.T.:**  Because it's secret!

 **Sarge:**  Regular secret, or top secret?

 **C.T.:**  Top secret!

" _The worst kind of secret_." Noire added.

 **Sarge:**  Damnit, the worst kind!

 **Grif:**  Well, why is it so secretive?

 **C.T.:**  I can't tell you that because that information is classified.

 **Sarge:** Classified as what?

"Classified as 'Secret'. Duh." Ruby said, "It is the best way to keep a secret after all."

' _Season 6 reference_!' Noire thought.

 **C.T.:**  Classified as something I can't tell you. Now stop fishing for information!

 **Grif:**  ...What information do you think we're fishing for?

"Oh c'mon, that was just plain bad even for Grif." Weiss said.

 **C.T.:**  Okay, that wasn't even a good attempt.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, I gotta agree with that.

 **C.T.:**  Look, I'm sure you're curious. We're curious about you as well. All you need to know is what you can plainly see: We're trying to uncover that structure to ... recover something.

"And that 'something' made you willing to kill an expeditionary team and anyone else you think would endanger your plan, even complete strangers who don't even have the IQ points to figure what a minefield is." Blake said, "Seriously, this is the worst interrogation ever."

"Of all time." Weiss couldn't help but add, "Ack, FUCK!"

 **C.T.:** That's already more than you need to know!

 **Grif:**  Do you have a name?

 **C.T.:**  You can call me C.T.

"'C.T'? What does that stand for?" Yang asked, genuinely curious,

" _Cunt Taker, motherfucker_." Noire quickly answered, " _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_!"

*BZZT!*

"When will she learn…" Blake said as she shook her head at the sight of her perverted persona,

" _Worth it every time_." Noire moaned as she got up and went back to watching.

 **Sarge:** Got a rank there, C.T.?

 **C.T.:**  Not one you would recognize.

"Well, he could have a rank of AWOL, Fugitive, Traitor, Douchebag or Asshole." Weiss said, "I'm choosing Asshole."

 **C.T.:** Now let's- Hey! ( _C.T. looks around, with no sign of Caboose_ ) Where's your other guy?

"Cue the fucking up phase of the plan!" Ruby declared.

 **Sarge:**  Uh, what guy?

 **C.T.:**  The other guy.

"You have to be a little more specific than just 'The Other Guy'." Blake said.

 **Sarge:**  He's right there.

 **C.T.:**  The other, other guy!

 **Grif:**  He's right... there?

"Yep, they're fucked." Yang simply said.

 **C.T.:**  THAT'S IT! You're either here to investigate us, or you're complete idiots! Either way, I've had it.

" _Yeah… that's practically the normal reaction to meeting the Reds & Blues_." Noire muttered, " _I mean, take these chicks for example_."

 **Grif:**  Investigate?

 **C.T.:**  Grrrrr... Tell me where the blue guy went, or I'll shoot the orange one.

 **Sarge:**  ...

The RWBYs and Noire just looked at the TV. There were absolutely no comments about how wrong C.T's threat was.

 **C.T.:**  ... Well!?

 **Grif:**  Dude, I can save you some time. You just picked the wrong guy to threaten. It'll make more sense when you get to know us.

"Actually, now that I think about it, they  _all_ are the wrong guys to threaten. It makes sense in context." Ruby said, with the others automatically agreeing with her.

_Alarms go off. Soldiers and aliens are seen rushing to the Elephant._

**C.T.:**  That's him, isn't it!?

"What do you think?" the RWBYs and Noire asked rhetorically.

 **Grif:**  Probably.

 **C.T.:**  Move! Up the hill!

"Okay, first off, what did Caboose do? And secondly, what the fuck are these guys doing?" Yang asked, "They're going through all this trouble for one thing, and that's it. Why does it need the death of innocent people?"

"Well, it could be another Halo." Weiss muttered while rubbing the back of her neck,

"Another what?"

"Oh, it's just some ancient Weapon of Mass Destruction that can be used to wipe out all organic life forms in the entire galaxy that was meant to wipe out a zombie parasite. Nothing special. Anyway, NEXT EPISODE!" Weiss shouted out, not giving the others time to process what the Heiress had just said, as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Well Hello)**

_Donut is running around cleaning the Blue Base, humming and singing to himself._

**Donut:**  Man, Caboose sure can make a mess for just one person. Although, I guess he was trying to make another person, which technically would make this a mess for two people. I think Caboose would be a great dad. I wonder if I should have a kid? I never really thought I wanted one.

"Oh my God, even when he's alone he won't shut up." Blake muttered as she pinched the bridge of her nose, '...God damn it, now I wanna read Mpreg fan fiction. Thanks Noire.'

' _You're welcome_.' Noire thought back, causing Blake's eyes to widen.

_Screen shows behind Donut, with someone in white armor walking into the room and behind Donut_

"What the-who's that?" Ruby asked as she saw the person in white armour enter Blue Base,

" _Well, it isn't Simmons or Lopez, I can tell you that_." Noire answered, having a feeling of knowing who it is,

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Weiss whispered as she clutched her stomach, her gut telling her something was definitely going to go wrong.

 **Donut:** But as I get older, I start to think something is missing. Aw, I hope I didn't wait too long. I've been so focused on my career and having a good time, maybe it's too late for me! Oh great, now I sound like my mother!

"Well, he definitely has the gender down." Yang muttered before getting whacked in the back of the head.

_Donut turns around and notices the person behind him._

**Donut:**  Oh, hi there! You scared me! I didn't know anyone was over here at Blue Base.

_The other person doesn't reply._

**Donut:**  Strong silent type, huh? That's cool. Don't mind me, I'm just keeping the base a little tidy.

"Donut, if I've learned anything from Red vs Blue, there is no one in that universe who is Strong silent type." Blake said,

"Well, apart from the Meta." Ruby added as they all chuckled a little before slowly stopped, their expressions transforming from joking to horrified,

"Oh fuck." They all said at the same time.

_The other person still says nothing._

**Donut:**  Yeah, a clean base is a deadly base. That's what Sarge always says. Sarge is our commander. You'll get a sarge over here I'm sure, but he won't be like our Sarge; he'll be Blue!

_Screen turns slowly, eventually revealing the person as The Meta, who growls at Donut._

"OH CRAP!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out at the sight,

"Oh shit, META!" Ruby shouted, "How is it still alive!?"

"Well, Wash survived the EMP. And the Meta ate  _bullets from a chaingun_." Weiss told her leader, "But shit, you'd think Command would've arrested it."

"Arrest it? They should execute it!" Blake exclaimed, "It has killed hundreds of people for the pursuit of power, and I'm guessing it won't stop until it gets what it wants. Even without the other A.I and its equipment."

"For the love of God Donut, RUN THE FUCK AWAY!" Yang shouted out,

" _Yang, Donut doesn't even know what a Meta is_.  _To him, he's just another Blue_." Noire said, " _But c'mon, even an idiot would know to run away when he/she sees it_."

"Apparently you haven't met Donut properly yet." Ruby muttered before shaking her head, "The Reds are so fucked."

 **Donut:**  Man, the rest of the guys will be so happy to have someone to fight. They're gonna be so relieved to see you! What did you say your name was?

_The Meta growls again._

"I think that translates to 'Your Death'." Weiss said.

 **Donut:**  Hm. Foreign, huh? Love the accent. Really works for you.

"Don't just stand there, dumbass! RUN!" Yang yelled at the Pink Grenadier.

_The Meta pulls out a pistol and aims it at Donut's head._

**Donut:** I should probably move this…

_Donut ducks in time to dodge the Meta's shot. He gets back up._

**Donut:**  Aw, don't worry buddy! I already checked their weapons. All good. But thanks for helpin'!

"Donut, he was testing his gun on  _you_! He's trying to kill you!" Blake snapped,

" _Yeah, read the fucking atmosphere_!" Noire added, " _And the creepy music_."

_The Meta growls again, and tried to fire only to see it's out of ammo, so it put away his pistol, and takes back out his Brute Shot. Donut turns back around and attempts to lift the body beside him._

**Donut:**  Ugh! This thing's heavy! Maybe if I grab the legs…

_Donut moves to the side and obliviously avoids the Meta's strike, which conveniently knocks the body to the walls._

**Donut:**  Well! That was helpful, thanks! Where'd you get that kickass broom?

"That is not a broom, Donut. That is a grenade launcher/giant knife that he will use to destroy you if you don't run!" Ruby said.

_The Meta approaches Donut, growling. There are motor noises emitting from outside the base._

**Donut:**  Uh… do you hear that?

"Oh shit, Simmons!" The RWBYs and Noire exclaimed.

 **Simmons**  (from outside) **:**  Hey, Donut! Are you in there? Lopez built you a motorcycle! ( _The motor noises cease._ ) It's broken.

Yang ignored how somehow, again, Simmons broke the ATV and called it a motorcycle as she was sure the Maroon Cyborg was about to enter a world of hurt. And possible disembowelment.

 **Donut:**  Hey! Yeah, Simmons! I'm inside the Blue Base! Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier!

 **Simmons:**  What? They sent another team member? ( _approaches the base's entrance_ ) Why would they do that? That doesn't make any sense. ( _notices the Meta inside_ ) OH, FUCK! ( _darts off_ ) Welcometotheneighborhood, seeyoulater!

"GO BACK AND SAVE YOUR TEAMMATE, YOU COWARD!" The RWBYs and Noire yelled out,

" _You're gonna need all the help you can get if you want a chance of survival_!" Noire added, ' _This reaction is based on Iron-Mantis' review. Thanks_!'

_Cuts to Sandtrap. Grif and Sarge are being ordered by C.T._

**C.T.:**  Come on, move!

 **Grif:**  All right already! We're moving! Don't boss me!

_They arrive by Caboose, who is surrounded by C.T.'s soldiers._

"Okay, what was Caboose doing with the Elephant?" Blake muttered.

 **C.T.:**  Hey. What's going on up here?

 **Smith:**  Blrghh? Rrhgh.

 **C.T.:**  Sabotaging the digger, huh? I knew it! Who sent you here? What do they know about us?

"Uh, absolutely nothing." Weiss answered, "This guy's paranoia is going to kill him some day."

" _And that day is very, very soon_." Noire added.

 **Sarge:**  Dammit, Caboose! Why do you keep messing with the vehicles!?

 **Caboose:**  Oh! Yeah, I was just trying to find a home for Epsilon. No biggie.

"Yeah, using the mobile base as a body for an A.I that could possibly kill everyone isn't that much of a big deal." Yang said sarcastically.

 **C.T.:**  What? What is that thing?

_The desert rumbles. Smith glances around, confused. The faraway temple's door slides open._

The girls' eyes widened as they saw the door to the temple opening, "Okay, what's happening? And why is the temple door opening?" Ruby asked,

"Looks like some shit is about to go down." Noire said with a smirk.

 **C.T.:**  Shit! He's opening the temple! Dammit! Are you with him!?

 **Grif:**  With who?

"We don't even know what you're talking about!" Yang complained, "Seriously, this guy's paranoia is gonna kill him."

 **C.T.:**  Aw, crap! Get down there! Kill them if you have to and don't let that door close again no matter what happens!

_The soldiers and aliens rush out towards the temple. Grif and Sarge head the opposite direction behind the Elephant._

"I guess this is a good time to run away." Weiss said.

 **Sarge:**  Hurry! Let's move!

 **Grif:**  Let's get the fuck out of here!

_Some of the aliens and soldiers begin to fall._

"Wow, a kill already. This guy must be pretty fast." Ruby said, looking at the fight in amazement.

 **C.T.:**  Shit! SMITH! TURRET!

_Smith takes a turret. Caboose approaches the Elephant. Grif sneaks atop it._

**C.T.:**  OVER THERE! ( _runs in after his troops_ )

 **Grif:**  Hahaa, see ya, suckers! You just got yoinked!

"They have control of the mobile base, but I don't think it'll be much of use right now." Blake commented, "Plus, Grif probably has never driven one before."

_Smith, on the turret, begins to shoot. Cut back to Grif._

**Grif:**  'The fuck do you drive this thing!? Why are there only four levers if there are six directions!? Where the fuck is second gear?

" _There are actually eight directions but that's not important right now_." Noire muttered.

_The Elephant begins to move, cutting in front of Smith. Sarge is trailing behind the Elephant._

**Sarge:**  Grif! If you need to run away in the middle of battle, at least have the decency to drive faster than I can run!

"Yeah, that thing is freaking slow. But it does serve as a great piece of cover for them." Blake said.

 **Grif:**  Is the emergency break on? I don't see— ( _backs off of the controls; whips out gun_ ) Man, fuck this, this is stupid!

_Smith continues to shoot. One of C.T.'s soldiers screams out, "Get down!" as an aqua-colored blur rushes passed them. Grenades are tossed. Another soldier driving a Mongoose crashes. The driver hops out of the Mongoose._

**Soldier:**  Aw, fuck!

_He heads towards the chaos away from his crashed vehicle, only to get a grenade tossed to his head. Another grenade lands on Smith, which explodes and sends him flying. C.T. is shooting from behind a wall then retreats._

**C.T.:**  Cover me! Fall back!

"Holy crap, whoever it is, he's kicking some major ass!" Yang said, impressed,

"Yeah, causing an entire group of Rouges to retreat." Weiss spoke up, equally impressed,

Blake narrowed her eyes as she started to notice flashes of aqua. Or teal. Or whatever, it was like a green-ish blue or something, "Wait… isn't that…?"

_Cuts to Caboose, Sarge, and Grif fleeing the scene. They eventually halt and are greeted by the attacking soldier in aqua – Tucker._

**Tucker:** Hey guys! Run for the temple! I'll cover you, hurry!

 **Caboose:**  Oh—my—

 **Caboose** (& RWBY plus Noire) **:** Tucker!

"Holy shit, Tucker did all that by himself!?" Ruby asked in disbelief, completely taken by surprise about how good Tucker has gotten since they last saw him,

"Oh my God, he became a fucking badass." Weiss muttered, her eyes open to the size of plates,

"I-I can't… I'm j-j-just… I…" Blake stuttered out, at a loss and unable to form a sentence,

"W-Wow." Yang just said,

" _You said it, Sister_." Noire whispered to herself.

 **Caboose:** Is that you!?

"Yes, we've established that Caboose." Weiss answered, sarcasm dripping from her tone.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, of course it's me! Now  _move_!

_The other three don't move._

"…I think they're as much in shock as we are." T'Ambrose guessed,

"You think?" Blake asked rhetorically with one of her eyebrows raised,

"Why am I getting a strange feeling that Tucker will only get more badass as time goes on?" Yang asked herself before shaking her head, 'Nah! The day that happens is when he manages to outsmart two assholes and bust them for a conspiracy on an isolated planet. That'll be the day.'

(In a different universe…)

Two men were staring out at the sunset in front of them. One was aqua and the other was dark grey with yellow accents. The man in aqua suddenly shivered and looked around a bit, "…I don't know why, but I feel as if I was being doubt by someone. Preferably a hot chick." He said,

"You're over-thinking things." The other man said dismissively,

"You're right, I guess. Anyway, tell me why the  _fuck_  are we on this stupid cliff again looking into the sunset again?"

"Well, I found out it gives us time to think about our loved ones and what we've lost so far, and reminding us what and who we're fighting for as well as think about our future after everything is over and the chances we should've taken a long time ago."

"…That's kinda lame dude."

(Back to Remnant!)

" _Yeah, that'll be the day, Sister_." Noire grinned,

"Yeah…" Yang said as she nodded, "…Wait, what?"

' _Thank you Yue Twili for the joke_!' Noire thought.

 **Caboose:**   _[casually]_  So… where have you been?

"In the desert and inside a temple apparently." Ruby answered.

_An explosion goes off nearby Tucker._

**Tucker:**  What is this, some kind of fucking reunion!? Move your asses, idiots! I'll meet you over there!

_Tucker backs up and leaves the scene. Caboose, Sarge, and Grif finally move on._

**Sarge:**  What in Sam Hell was all that?

 **Grif:**  Who cares? Just move!

" _Well, that was certainly an interesting set_." Noire said as she turned off the TV,

"Yeah, the Meta's back and hunting down the Reds at Valhalla, C.T and his gang are Rouges and are looking for an artifact for whatever reason and Tucker's a badass after disappearing for almost an entire season." Yang listed off, "Yep, this has been a very interesting season so far."

"Yeah, and I'm actually kinda happy that Tucker's back and is now a real soldier." Weiss said before she realized something and groaned, "But that means more sexual innuendos." The girls collectively groaned while Noire just started rubbing her hands together and smiling wicked,

" _Oh, you guys are fucked_." Noire said, " _Get ready for the Meow Chicka Meow Meow Marathon, motherfuckers_!"

*BZZT!*

"Why won't you learn?" Ruby asked as she and the others looked at the perverted cat girl, laying down on the floor and smoking,

" _Because… I'm awesome_." Noire groaned out. Blake made a sound of disgust as she looked away from Noire, " _And I'm kinda getting used to getting shocked and it's actually starting to turn me on_."

*BZZZZT!*

" _And… back to pain_.  _I don't get paid enough for this_."

"YOU DON'T GET PAID AT ALL!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	59. Greatest Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't not include this.

_It was times like these where you realize that world isn't that kind, and it will never be. It takes away people we love and care about every day and every day people wouldn't care and get on with their day._

_But that's where we come in_.

It was night. Above them, the sky was filled with stars and the shattered moon shone brightly. Two figures, hidden underneath cloaks as black as the sky stood upon a snowy cliff, with only a single grave stone in front of them. There was nothing but silence between them as they just looked at the grave, their bodies shaking from the cold. They ignored it, "Is there… anything you wanna say?" One of them, a male, asked,

"What can I say? What makes you think I deserve to say anything?" The other one, a female, replied. From the sounds of it, she crying. The male stayed quiet as he just looked down at his feet,

"Because… we're fulfilling a wish." He said after a few seconds of silence, "It doesn't have to be long. Just… something, I guess."

"Why don't you do it? You don't seem that sad that he's gone." The female muttered as she wiped away a few tears,

"…Okay." The male walked up to the grave and placed his hand on it, "To be honest, I never shed a tear at the news where innocents died, children especially. I've never shed a tear when I went to a funeral. And I've never shed any tears when someone close to me passed away. I'm sorry, but you're one of them too. But that's because I know people die every day, and most of the world doesn't even give two shits about them. When I heard, I wanted the world just to stop right then, right now. Maybe then they'll fill in my share of the tears I'll probably never shed. Maybe that's why I never cry when someone dies. I know I won't cry enough to fill in the hole that's left." Suddenly, tear drops started landing on the snow in front of the grave as the male sniffled, "You know, I heard somebody once said to never say good-bye. That they're not gone, they're just not here right now. Well, now I know where you are now and one day I'll see you there. But right now, there's nothing I can do but make my time on this planet count. I'll move on, and do my best to make my mark like you did and stand out from the rest and help make the world a brighter place. But today, I just want those lights to dim, just so the world can see how dark it is right now. Rest in Peace, my friend. I hope you have a nice nap." The male then turned around and started walking away,

"Wh-Where are you going?" The female asked,

"What do you think? I won't let anything else die until I die myself."The male answered. He then turned to the female, "Come on, we have work to do. We have a long road ahead of us." The female could only shake her head, before she pulled out a rose and placed it on the grave,

"Okay. We do have a wish to fulfill after all." She said before following him. She stopped and took one last look at the grave behind her.

**_Rest In Peace_ **

**_Monty Oum_ **

****_(June 22 1981-Feb 1 2015)  
Gone but not forgotten.  
No doubt the Greatest Man to ever live._

And went to do what she was born to do and try and make the world a brighter place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even years after, you're still missed man. Rest in Peace.


	60. Dead Fantasy (Called Up, The Installation, Watch The Flank)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself. If it can LOAD FOR ONCE YOU PIECE OF-
> 
> *Technical Difficulties!*
> 
> Load Game… Start!

The dorm was quiet as the RWBYs waited for Noire to return. They didn't know why she left to do whatever she went to do. All they knew was that a note appeared in her bra and she just ran out. It confused them. Anyway, they've been waiting for a few hours before Noire walked back into the room, her eyes bloodshot and generally looking pretty crap, "Noire, what happened?" Blake asked,

" _Nothing_." She mumbled out as she stumbled her way to the couch,

"Really? Because you look like you just got out of a hangover." Yang said,

" _That's because I did_." Noire said before wincing, " _Ugh, can someone please shut the curtains or something_.  _I don't wanna see the sun right now_."

"Noire, I would like to inform you that it's 9pm and the moon is out." Ruby pointed out,

" _Don't care_.  _Just shut the fucking curtains_.  _The moon is hurting my eyes_." Weiss sighed as she did just that,

"Noire, how much alcohol did you drink?" The Heiress asked with concern in her voice,

" _I lost count at around ten, but I probably drunk around six or seven days worth of beer_."

"Wait, WHAT!?" The team shouted out,

"I don't even think Beacon has that much alcohol." Ruby whispered to the others,

"And, uh… shouldn't you be dead from alcohol poisoning?" Yang asked in disbelief. Noire just sighed and shook her head,

" _Look, all I want to do is make people happy right now so shut the fuck up and let's keep watching RvB_." The RWBYs looked at each other, wondering why Noire was like this before shrugging,

"If that's what you want…" Blake said before she went to set up the TV, only to be stopped by Noire,

" _Shock me_."

"What?"

" _Before you do anything else, shock me_." Blake was now really concerned for her former other personality,

"Noire…"

" _You know what, fuck it_.  _I'll do it myself_." She then grabbed her remote off of Blake, " _And… there_!"

*BZZZZT!*

"Hey, I know this is a really somber kind of mood but seriously, where's her shock collar!?" Yang exclaimed,

" _It's better if you don't know_." Noire said dizzily before shaking her head, causing her to look normal again, " _Anyway, shall we watch more Red vs Blue_?" She asked with a happier tone in her voice,

"Okay… but after this, you have to tell us what's wrong." Weiss said as she quickly set up the TV, went back to the couch, grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Called Up)**

_Fade into the UNSC Maximum Security Detention Facility._

"Finally, time to see what Wash wants from the Chairman." Yang said as everyone leaned in closer, focusing purely on the screen in front of them.

 **Washington:**  I'm sorry, but do we know each other?

 **Chairman:**  You are Special Agent Washington, former member of Project Freelancer, also known by the designation, Recovery One.

 **Washington:**  Also known as Prisoner 619-B.

 **Chairman:**  Convicted: three counts dereliction of duty, eight counts of conspiracy to commit treason, and my personal favorite, seven counts destruction of protected classified military property.

"Hey, Wash did all that to stop the Meta and bring the Director to justice!" Ruby pointed out, "Plus, destroying A.I is way better than recovering them. You may waste money but the whole thing with the Meta would've been less out of control if you just deleted the A.I in the first place."

 **Washington:**  And you are…?

 **Chairman:**  I am someone extremely disappointed by destruction of the said property. That, is all you need to know.

The girls narrowed their eyes at the screen. The eight counts of conspiracy to commit treason sounded a lot worse to them than the destruction of classified military property. Though, they could guess that they could've used the A.I to help them make the Director pay for his crimes. But, they looked at each other silently agreed that something was a bit off.

 **Washington:**  I want to make a deal. I have information that you want.

 **Chairman:**  All the information that I want, was lost in the destruction of Project Freelancer.

 **Washington:**  Not all of it.

" _He's talking about Epsilon, isn't he_?" Noire muttered as she narrowed her eyes even more, " _Where is he going with this_?"

 **Chairman:**  Agent Washington, if you knew anything, that could have kept you out of prison, I am sure it would have come to light during your if you're quite through with wasting my time, will—

 **Washington:**  I know you're missing the Epsilon unit, and I know where to find it.

 **Chairman:**  …You have my attention.

"What is Wash doing?" Weiss asked,

"Well, it's obvious. Wash is going to get Epsilon off of Caboose and give it to the Chairman in exchange for his freedom." Blake answered, "Kinda complicated right now, considering that it's in the middle of the desert right now."

 **Washington:**  It disappeared after the events of Freelancer Command. You searched everyone associated with the program. Even the Red Team Troopers you found.

 **Chairman:**  Yes? The ones who were found bickering around the stalled jeep.

 **Washington:**  There's another group of soldiers, a Blue squad. They escaped with Epsilon.

"Well, technically just Caboose but before they found Tucker, he was the only Blue left alive." Ruby said.

 **Chairman:**  I show no record of these soldiers.

"That's because Sarge deleted them." Yang said with a sigh, "God, does everything have to stem from the Reds deleting the Blues?"

 **Washington:**  And you won't, but I know where to find them. So here's the deal: I give you that missing module, you get me out of here. I get a clear slate, and we forget we ever knew each other.

" _Sounds like a fair deal. Wash finally gets a break and the Director pays for his crimes. It's a win-win for both of them_." Noire said, " _But let me remind everyone that Epsilon is with Caboose and they're both currently kinda fucked right now_."

 **Chairman:**  That sounds fair.

 **Washington:** I'm gonna need some equipment. Invisibility, Overshields, anything left over from Freelancer.

"Wait, why that much equipment? Couldn't he just ask Caboose for Epsilon?" Weiss asked, but didn't get an answer. Until 3 seconds later.

 **Chairman:**  I think we can point you in the right direction here.

_Cuts to Valhalla; Simmons is screaming, jumping, as his busted motorcycle flies to the side. When he lands, he runs off in the same direction his motorcycle landed. The Meta is chasing after him, shooting at him with his Brute Shot._

**Simmons:**  Noooooooaahhahhahah!

"Oh… maybe that's why Wash needs all that equipment." Yang said in a flat tone, "And I have a feeling it's going to get worse from there."

_Cuts to Sandtrap. Sarge, Grif, and Caboose are beside the temple's entrance, shooting at whoever is approaching them. Caboose backs inside the temple and Tucker runs in._

**Tucker:**  Guys, hold them off! I'll get the door!

_Grif and Sarge move inside as well. The door closes._

**Tucker:**  There!

"Okay, they're safe. At least for now." Ruby said.

 **Caboose:**  Tucker!

 **Tucker:**  Hey, Caboose.

 **Grif:**  Oh, hey look, it's that guy.

 **Tucker:**  You brought these guys? Are we killin' each other today? Or pretending to work together?

"Oh come on, they do genuinely work together sometimes." Blake said. The others only stared at her in response, "Okay, they'll backstab each other at a moment's notice, especially the Reds, specifically Sarge, but they do work together. Like the time they had to deal with Omega."

" _And look how well that turned out_." Noire muttered as she rolled her eyes.

 **Caboose:**  Uh, the pretending version.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, okay, cool.  _(swaps his sword for his gun)_  Hey dudes, what's up? How'd y'all find me?

"With a distress signal." Yang answered, "By the way, NO MORE CRYPTIC BULLSHIT!"

 **Sarge:**  We got that radio call you sent.

 **Tucker:**  The distress signal? And they sent you assholes? That was to help me! I wanted less distress, not more distress.

"Meh, close enough. Just be happy you have extra guns with you." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  Uh, actually we kind of ignored that call at first.

 **Tucker:**  That makes sense.

 **Grif:**  Then Donut showed up and told us you were in trouble.

 **Tucker:**  Ohh, I get it. So me making an emergency radio call, not a big deal. Donut telling you some dumb homo story, red alert!

"Yep, that's basically it." Ruby said as she pushed up her glasses.

 **Sarge:**  Pretty much.

 **Tucker:**  So where's everyone else?

"Back at Valhalla, dying from the Meta." Weiss answered.

 **Caboose:**  What do you mean?

 **Tucker:**  The rest of the people who are gonna help me fight these fuckers off.

_Silence._

"Awkward~" The RWBYs and Noire sang out.

 **Tucker:**  You didn't bring any other soldiers, did you?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, um, that depends. Um, by other soldiers, d'you mean people… other than us?

 **Tucker:**  Yes, I do.

 **Caboose:**  Then, no.

"Your rescue team, Tucker!" Yang called out, "He is so dead."

 **Sarge:**  What's going on here?

 **Tucker:**  Uh, it's kind of hard to explain. They think there's some kind of artifact here. Some massive weapon built a long time ago.

"Well, that's not good." Blake stated.

 **Caboose:**  An old weapon. …Like a spear?

 **Tucker:**  No, not a spear. Like some kind of super energy electric thing.

 **Caboose:**  An electric spear.

" _Because stabbing someone in the face isn't enough_." Noire said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Tucker:**  It's not a spear, dumbass!

"It's probably a gun." Ruby guessed, "Or some world-shattering bomb. There are a lot of types of weapons."

 **Sarge:**  Hm. Think I've read about these. They found some back during the war.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, well, all the aliens are into them and so are all the humans now. So, me and Junior have to go around sometimes and help… negotiate stuff. You know. Smooth talk.

" _Oh thank God_!" Noire gave a sigh of relief, " _Junior survived_!" The girls decided not to question how Junior survived the crash or, now that they thought about, how Tucker got is sword back.

 **Grif:**  Why you?

 **Tucker:**  We're like the ambassadors here or something. Humans and aliens seem more comfortable with us, since we're kind of… you know, in between.

"Yeah… let's not dive into that anymore than we should." Ruby said as everyone was reminded about Noire's comment a few episodes ago and shivered.

 **Caboose:**  In between aliens and humans, huh. You mean in between two alien and human… ladies?

The RWBYs looked at Noire, with Blake having the remote at the ready as soon as she says those four cursed words, " _Meh_ ,  _not worth it. That set-up sucked_." The girls gave a sigh of relief as they relaxed, " _But I do. Meow Chicka Meow Meow_."

*BZZZZT!*

"By the way, you already made that joke." Blake told the perverted cat girl,

" _I still regret nothing_!"

 **Tucker:**  Come on, dude. Seriously? You're not gonna get me to say it with that lame-ass joke. I'm not that easy.

_Silence._

**Tucker:**  …Okay, well maybe I am that easy, Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow.

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire said quickly before pumping her fist, " _Yes_!  _Squeezed it in just in time_!  _Meow Chicka Meow Meow again_!"

*BZZZZT!*

" _I_ -"

*BZZZZT!*

"You'd think she would be paralyzed by now." Yang muttered as she looked at Noire, who was twitching on the ground,

"Apparently, whoever made her that body made her a bit resistant to electric shocks. AT least in terms of paralysis." Ruby replied,

" _Nope, you just get used to it after a bit_." Noire groaned as she back to the couch, " _But the pain is always constant_."

"Where's your shock collar again?" Weiss asked,

" _Ugh_!  _Somewhere private_!" Noire shouted, having enough of being asked where it was, " _Let's just get back to the show_." And they did just that.

 **Tucker:** See, now that's a set-up.

 **Caboose:**  Ahaha. Yeah, I hope one day you will tell me what you're going to do between the two ladies.

"Make sandwiches." Blake said without thinking before covering her mouth,

" _Would you like milk with that sandwich, Pussy_?" Noire asked in a seductive tone, " _Wasn't that the same question Himawari and Mizuki asked Onnasuki right before they_ -"

"Noire, for the love of God, shut up!" Blake growled out, causing the perverted cat girl to chuckle along with Yang and Ruby,

"I knew it was smut." Weiss said before shutting up when Blake glared at her,

"Creative literature!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." Ruby, Weiss, Yang and Noire said in unison as they rolled their eyes.

 **Sarge:**  So are you part of the group that C.T. told us about?

 **Tucker:**  That asshole? He's a fucking liar. He and his team killed the guys originally sent to dig this thing up, then they tried to kill me.

 **Caboose:**  Oh no, well I hope you stop them.

"You're not getting away that easy Caboose. It is part of the mission you're on now." Ruby said.

 **Tucker:**  I locked myself in this temple. I figured it would keep me safe and keep them away from the relic.

 **Grif:**  So who are they?

 **Tucker:**  I don't have any idea, dude. They're probably trying to steal the artifact, then sell it to the highest bidder.

"Why is it always all about the money?" Blake muttered, "It practically goes next to daddy issues and revenge for the Top Excuses Used to Explain Why You're An Asshole/Badass."

 **Caboose:**  Oh, they're like Evil eBay.

"Uh… I think that's what the 'e' in eBay stands for." Yang guessed, unfamiliar with the name, "…I think."

 **Tucker:**  You're an idiot.

"Tell us something we don't know." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker:** Look guys, thanks for the fucked up rescue mission and all that, but where's Church?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, um, he's dead.

The girls sighed sadly as they remembered the scene perfectly.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, I know that. Church has been dead for years, it never stopped him before.

 **Caboose:**  Oh yeah, we also found out that he's, not a ghost, and that he's an A.I. computer program, like Sheila.

"Oh, okay, now Tucker will definitely flip out." Weiss said, "There's no possible way he could know about Church being an A.I yet."

 **Tucker:**  …  _[slightly higher pitched voice]_  Yeah, I knew that.

"Wait, WHAAAAAAAAAT!?" The RWBYs & Noire shouted out.

 **Grif:**  You did?

"Are you serious!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"If he knew, why didn't he say anything about!?" Blake asked in disbelief,

" _You gotta be fucking kidding me_!  _This has to be a fucking joke, right_!?" Suddenly, a small pop was heard as Noire's eyes widened. She reached into her cleavage and pulled out a note. It read:

'Nope. Nope a joke.

-RT'

Yang's eyes widened as she saw Noire read the small note, "What the-You get those messages too? How come they don't throw a rock at you?" Yang asked,

"' _Cause I'm Daisy Noire Belladonna, bitch_.  _And I fucking rock._ " Noire answered, " _Their worlds. Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

"This doesn't make any sense!" Weiss exclaimed while Noire was being causally shocked by Blake, "How could he, The Pervert, possibly know!? I didn't know, and I'm the smart one here! There's no way he could-"

" _Let it go, princess._ " Noire interrupted, " _Just Let It Go… so… you gonna sing the song or what_?" ' _Thank you NebulaXYZ for the joke_!'

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, you guys didn't?  _[quickly]_  Ha, pay fuckin' attention, what the fuck are you guys paying attention to?

 **Grif:**  Oh, uh, I have my suspicions.

 **Sarge:**  Of course, I just didn't want to tell anybody.

'They are so lying.' The RWBYs and Noire thought.

 **Caboose:**  I still want to know what Tucker's going to do between the two ladies.

"Make sandwiches." Blake said without thinking again, causing her to blush as her teammate proceeded to laugh at her face,

" _You know, I think I heard that in a porno I watched_." Noire whispered to herself before joining the other RWBYs in laughing at Blake's expense before calming down enough to continue watching.

 **Tucker:**  Look guys, I need your help. We either need to chase these guys off or destroy this facility. Or pick up some chicks. Old habits die hard.

"Uh, news flash, the only people who want to have sex with you are the aliens." Weiss said, "And I'm pretty sure the alien that gave you Junior didn't like it."

"BURN!" Yang yelled out.

 **Sarge:**  But why destroy it?

 **Tucker:**  Orders. We can't let it fall into anyone else's hands. Plus, breaking stuff is fucking awesome.

"He's right. No one can have their hands on that weapon, no matter who it is and what their intentions are." Ruby stated, "Plus, breaking stuff  _is_  fucking awesome."

 **Grif:**  This thing is that powerful?

 **Tucker:**  Hell yeah! First they built these rings that were a huge weapon, then we found this super powerful cube-shaped weapon, and I guess this is the pyramid version.

"That's a lot of weapons." Blake said,

"I wonder what the cubed-shaped one is." Ruby muttered to herself.

 **Grif:**  That ancient race sure built a lot of weapons.

 **Tucker:**  I know.

 **Grif:**  I mean did they really need to spend all their time building stuff to destroy the universe? Like, how about the galaxy's biggest movie theater or, like some kind of super advanced water park? All work and no play guys, seriously.

"As much as I hate it, he's right." Weiss admitted, "I mean, come on, no one needs that many weapons to destroy the universe. Leave behind something else, like journals or a vehicle. Anything that would advance technology by a few hundred years."

 **Tucker:**  No play. Tell me about it.

"So, we have Wash going to get Epsilon from Caboose so he doesn't have to be in jail, the Meta trying to kill the Simmons, Donut and Lopez in Valhalla and Caboose, Tucker, Sarge and Grif trying to stop an ancient weapon from falling into the wrong hands, all of them trying not to die." Yang summarized,

"So… basically just another season of RvB." Weiss said,

"Oh yeah. Now let's continue this shit." Yang then picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(The Installation)**

_In the desert, the Elephant is seen ramming into the temple's door. Cut to the inside of the temple, where Tucker, Sarge, Grif, and Caboose are seen._

**Grif:**  The hell are they doing out there?

"From the looks of it, failing." Blake said,

"Man, for a temple, it can really take a beating." Yang commented.

 **Tucker:**  They've been trying to blast their way in here ever since I locked it down. They're not having much luck though, ARE YOU, FUCKING ASSHOLES? The stuff looks like rock, but it's way tougher.

 **Grif:**  What's tougher than rock?

"Paper." Ruby said sarcastically.

 **Caboose:**  Paper.

The others couldn't but chuckle a little as Ruby blushed.

 **Tucker:**  How the fuck should I know? Super rock? What am I, some kind of, geographist?

" _It's actually called 'geologist' not 'geographist', and there are a lot of different types of rocks that have different densities and such, though they all fall under three different types: sedimentary, metamorphic and igneous._ " Noire corrected,

"Uh… how did you know that?" Weiss asked,

" _Like I said before, I fucking rock_." The team thought about Noire's pun for about 12 seconds before they came to a conclusion.

*BZZZZT!*

" _It was 8th Grade science_." Noire groaned before getting back on the couch.

 **Sarge:**  They have some kind of big machine out there.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, they just got that thing. I think they think they're gonna yank this door off with it. Not fucking happening.

"Actually, they're trying to ram the door in with it but I'm guessing that has the same chance of success of trying to pull the door down." Blake said.

 **Sarge:**  They wanna get their hands on that weapon?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, and we can't let them turn it on, no matter what happens.

 **Sarge:**  Well, why don't we just turn it on and use it against them?

"That's… actually kinda tempting." Weiss admitted, "But probably not worth the risk, considering we have no idea what it does yet."

 **Tucker:**  The fuck, what!? We don't know what it does! We can turn it on and it could make us all sterile.

"Or, you know, blow up the universe. Either way's bad." Yang added.

_Caboose is seen in the background running into a different room._

"Okay, where is Caboose going?" Ruby asked,

" _My guess: nothing good_." Noire replied.

 **Grif:**  Would it do that?

 **Tucker:**  Well, the last weapon we found was designed to wipe out all organic life in a huge radius.

"Oh, I think he means the Halo rings." Weiss said before she sighed, "Seriously, they need stop building so many weapons that'll wipe out all sentient life in the universe. Even if it is to wipe out a zombie parasite."

 **Grif:**   _(whistles)_  Wow. …What's a, radius?

" _Not even going to say the definition_." Noire muttered as she shook her head, " _Let's just say it's a math thing_.  _Something you definitely don't know._ "

 **Tucker:**  I don't know, they just made me learn this crap for my dumb job. Point is, don't touch anything. You hit the wrong button or flip the wrong switch, we'll all be dead before you can say—Where's Caboose?

 **Sarge:**  Uh, I don't think that's how that expression goes.

 **Tucker:**  No, I mean where the fuck is Caboose?

"Probably about to kill you all." Yang answered.

 **Sarge:**  Oh yeah… he does have a habit of wandering off. He's been trying to rig equipment to do something. We don't really know what. That boy is not quite right, you know?

"Tell us something we don't know." Ruby said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Tucker:**  What? I just said not to touch anything, and you guys went and walk away to find equipment? What the hell is wrong with you? Man, I swear, you guys have always been idiots, but this takes the cake!

 **Grif:**  Hey! He's on your team, asshole.

"Yeah, and it kinda sucks to be a Blue right now, considering you're not getting paid anymore." Blake said.

 **Tucker:**  Oh. Right. …Hey, uh, so if you guys aren't doing anything, you wanna help me go find Caboose?

 **Sarge:**  Let's go.

_Sarge and Grif begin to walk off past Tucker._

**Grif:**  So embarrassing for you…

"You have Donut." Ruby pointed out,

"Lopez, the robot specifically built to help you, hates you all." Weiss also pointed out.

 **Tucker:** Just go find the guy.

 **Grif:**  So sad…

"Your Leader regularly tries to kill you." Blake said in a deadpanned tone,

"You're doing all of this so you can win a fake war." Yang reminded everyone.

 **Tucker:**  I fucked your sister.

" _You know, I'm willing to believe that._ " Noire admitted.

_Cuts to Valhalla. Lopez is working on another motorcycle, humming to himself. Simmons is seen in the background charging in._

**Simmons:**  Loooopeeeezzz!

 **Lopez:**   _No! I just fixed this. This one is mine. Stay away!_

"Uh, yeah, there's something a lot more worrying than your ATV getting destroyed." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  He's here! He's here!

 **Lopez:**   _Who?_

"Someone big, ugly, insane and mute." Weiss answered.

 **Simmons:**  The bad guy! The guy who wants to kill us!

 **Lopez:**   _You're going to have to be more specific than that._

"Yeah, they really built up a list of people who want to kill them." Blake noted, "And I'm pretty sure the Reds and Blues are on that list."

_A rocket shot by the Meta flies by and crashes into the Red Base._

**Simmons:**  The Meta! He's here!

 **Lopez:**   _What? Here? I thought he was dead._

" ** _It ate bullets_**!" Noire exclaimed, " _Can no one understand that it ate bullets from a mini gun_!?"

 **Simmons:**  Oh geez, look out!

_Simmons and Lopez duck. A rocket flies overhead._

"Ah! Son of a bitch!" (Ruby)

"Son of a bitch!" (Weiss)

"Son of a bitch!" (Blake)

"Son of a bitch!" (Yang)

" _Son of a bitch_!" (Noire)

 **Simmons:**  Son of a bitch!

 **Lopez:**   _Son of a bitch!_

 **Simmons:**  Lopez! We need some big guns.

"Yeah, guns. Because they totally work on the Meta!" Yang exclaimed,

"Wait, it doesn't have its A.I. Maybe they can at least survive long enough to escape." Blake pointed out, "They can't beat it unless they have everyone together again."

"Or a nuke." Yang muttered.

 **Lopez:**   _Okay. That I can do._

 **Simmons:**  I'll grab the rocket launcher.  _(picks up rocket launcher while Lopez goes inside the base)_  Just grab whatever you can, Lopez! I'm trained to handle this weapon.  _(stands by the motorcycle Lopez was fixing)_ Lopez? Anybody?

_The Meta is seen approaching the entrance which Lopez had entered in. He pauses upon seeing Simmons._

"Yeah… you're kinda on your own right now." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  All right, you bastard! Prepare to get "Simmonsized!"

" _That's one **horrible** one-liner_." Noire said, annoyed, " _Fuck, 'You Just Got Sarge'd' is a better one-liner than that_!"

_Simmons fires a rocket, which hits the motorcycle. Simmons and the Meta watch as the vehicle flies over the Meta and lands to the side of the base, on fire. The Meta growls and turns his attention back to Simmons._

The girls' jaws just dropped as they saw Simmons destroy what practically was their only hope, " _Seriously_!? Your life was on the line and you managed to destroy your only escape vehicle! Way to go, moron!" Weiss called out,

"And he said he was trained to handle rocket launchers." Blake muttered as she rolled her eyes.

 **Simmons:**  Well, fuck me.

_Missiles crash into the Meta from the base's entrance. He flees from them._

**Lopez:**   _(walks outside the base with a missile pod)_   _Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized?"_

"Yes he did, and it still sucks." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  Lopez!

 **Lopez:**   _Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again._

"Okay, I'm ignoring the motorcycle bit so I can say that I'm impressed Lopez was able to drive that thing away. Bravo, my Spanish-speaking robot friend, bravo." Yang said, "…But if they do that again, I'll throw the fucking TV out the window."

' _Thank you Iron-Mantis for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

_Cuts to the temple in Sandtrap, where Caboose is standing with the Epsilon unit. The A.I. unit is making noise. Caboose darts to the side and examines a box._

**Caboose:**  No.  _(examines a cylindrical object)_  No.  _(discovers something buried in the dirt)_  Hmm…

"Okay… something is definitely up with Caboose." Blake muttered, "Is he looking for more parts for his 'New-Best-Friend' project?"

_Scene cuts to the Elephant outside the temple._

**Intercom:**  Just open the temple and you can leave. We'll take what we want; no one has to get hurt.

"Yeah, well, tell that to the first guys who came there!" Ruby called out.

_Cuts back inside the temple._

**Tucker:**  Shut up, idiot! I should've stabbed that fucking speaker while I was out there.

 **Grif:**  Caboose!

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, where are you?

 **Sarge:**  Hey, Blue! Hope you're not dead! Now that there's two of ya, we finally have a fair fight! Come on out here so we can kill ya!

"Wait  _until_ the Blues get back into Command's systems. That's the whole point you went along with Caboose to find Tucker." Blake said.

 **Tucker:**   _[with his voice low]_  Hey guys, shut up, do you hear that?

 **Caboose:**   _[to someone off screen]_ Would you be quiet? See, you're gonna get me in trouble.

 **Voice:**  Trouble? Fuck that.

"Okay, who was that?" Weiss asked, "Oh shit, did someone find a way into the temple?"

" _I don't know, but from the way they're talking, whoever Caboose is talking to doesn't sound hostile_." Noire replied.

 **Tucker:**  Who's he talking to? Aw, crap! Did somebody break into the temple?

 **Caboose:**  Shut up—okay, see, you broke that. See, that was your fault.

 **Voice:**  That, that was already broken.

"He kinda sounds a bit… Caboose-y." Yang said with a wince.

 **Tucker:**  Whew! _(withdraws his sword)_  All right, let's charge in there and take these assholes out. On my mark. …That means when I say "go."

"That's an important thing to say before you countdown, especially when you're a Blood Gulch Red." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  That voice sounds familiar.

 **Sarge:**  Yeah. I find it annoying and grating for some reason.

"Yeah, it… it kinda does." Ruby admitted as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Caboose:** Okay, just stop moving around, hold still!

 **Voice:**  I am holding still, you're the one that's moving.

"Okay, what the hell are they doing?" Blake asked, but didn't get answer.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, that's sounds like—

 **Voice:**  Get your hands off me! Fucking douche!

 **Caboose:**  I'm sorry, Church!

 **Tucker and Grif** (& RWBY and Noire) **:**  Church!?

_The three run around the corner. Caboose and a floating monitor turn to see them._

The girls' jaws collectively dropped to the floor as they saw Caboose with the floating… thing next to him, "…What. The fuck." Weiss said, breaking the minute-long silence,

"H-He's not dead." Ruby mumbled to herself,

"I mean, what the actual fuck."

"How did Caboose even do that?" Blake asked herself,

"What the fuck is going on?"

"What the hell… is that thing?" Yang asked as she tilted her head, trying to figure out what the floating bowling ball was,

"Seriously, what the fuck is happening!?"

" _Red_   _vs Blue, Weiss. Red vs Blue_." Noire tried to comfort the Heiress. After the initial shock went down a bit, they went back to watching.

_After a brief silence…_

**Caboose:**  I can explain.

" _You better_." Noire said.

 **Monitor:**  ( _in Church's voice_ ) Who the fuck are these guys?

 **Sarge:**  Who brought the floating bowling ball? Where's the thumb hole?

The RWBYs just leaned back and rubbed their heads, trying to process the information the show had just presented them, "How the… what the hell… how did  _Caboose_ -"

"Figure out how to install an A.I into an ancient artifact of some sort without screwing up?" Ruby finished off Weiss' sentence, "I'm wondering that too."

"Ugh… this is going to be a headache in the morning." Blake muttered as she pinched the bridge of her nose,

"Fuck, well, at least we have Church back from the dead… again… kind of." Yang said before groaning, "God, this is going to get complicated fast."

" _True that. Now let's see what else is going to happen._ " Noire said before she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Watch The Flank)**

_The screen fades to inside Red Base at Valhalla. Lopez is speaking Spanish while Simmons is barricading the entrances with crates._

**Simmons** : Keep watching your motion tracker. These guys can turn invisible.

"As well as do a lot of other things." Yang added.

 **Lopez** :  _Is that where he went?_

_Screen jumps to the Meta outside Red Base, with his cloaking ability malfunctioning._

"Heh, looks like the EMP fucked with its equipment." Weiss said with a smirk,

" _Yeah, and without its A.I to help run it, it's basically human_." Noire added in, " _A very overpowered human, but human never the less. By the way, it's emp._ "

"Shut up."

_He then growls, then the camera returns to inside Red Base._

**Simmons** : Whoa! Did you hear that?

 **Lopez** :  _I have something on my motion tracker._

"Shit, it's coming!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Simmons** : ( _frightened)_  Yeah, it was loud.

 **Lopez** :  _No, you idiot! Over there!_

_Lopez and Simmons ready their weapons for the Meta on the entrance in front of them, looking at each other and reloading at the same time._

The girls tensed as they watched the screen, waiting for the Meta to attack, "C'mon… walk out, you bastard." Blake whispered.

 _Instead, Donut comes around the corner_.

"Damn it, it was only fucking Donut." Weiss said before everyone let out the breath they didn't know they held in, "They should really have a Friend-or-Foe thing for their motion trackers."

 **Donut:**  Hey guys. 'Sup?

 **Simmons:**  Donut?

 **Lopez:**   _Didn't you say this guy could change color?_

"Lopez, it's Donut. There's not need to be paranoid." Yang said.

 **Donut:**  I just finished cleaning up Blue Base. What's going on over here?

"Oh, I don't know. Just panicking and worrying about the fact that a monster is about to kill them at any second, that sort of thing." Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Lopez:**   _I think we should shoot him just to be safe._

"I think Lopez just wants to shoot Donut." Ruby muttered,

"He can't. They need all the help they can get right now if they want to escape from the Meta, even if those chances are pretty low." Blake explained.

 **Simmons:**  Donut, that guy attacked me! I ran out of the base screaming. Why didn't you help me?

 **Donut:**  You guys seemed like you knew each other. I thought you were just catching up.

" _It_   _was catching up on its MURDER QUOTA_!" Noire shouted out.

 **Simmons:**  He was firing grenades at me!

 **Donut:**  Yeah, so, I thought that was an inside joke between the two of you.

"Oh, like how Caboose team-kills people." Yang said in a flat tone, "What a great inside joke."

 **Simmons:**  What!? What kind of joke would that be?

 **Donut:**  Well, how do I know? I've been gone a long time, Simmons.

 **Simmons:**  What!?

 **Donut:**  In fact, it was clear that I didn't know the guy, so shame on you for not introducing us. And quite frankly, I found the whole thing a bit rude!

"…Donut, we love you." Ruby said slowly, "We love your skill with grenades and your overall personality. We've been with you for at least five and a half seasons, and although you may annoy us to no end at times, we love you. But I have to say,"

"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out.

 **Simmons:**  ...WHAAAAAAAT!?

 **Donut:**  Rude.

"Donut, for the love for all that is holy, shut the fuck up." Blake groaned.

 **Lopez:**   _Seriously, we could just bury him out back. We wouldn't even have to tell anybody._

"You know, I am actually willing to do that." Weiss admitted, and she knew that everyone else was willing too.

_Screen shifts to Sandtrap inside the temple, where Tucker, Grif and Sarge are looking at Epsilon-Church (inside the monitor body) beside Caboose._

**Tucker:**  Church? You're telling me that thing is Church.

"Well, the closest thing to Church as you're ever going to get now." Yang answered.

 **Caboose:**  Well, not exactly. See, um, technically, uh, this thing is, uh, just a memory of Church. Um, his name is Epsilon.

 **Tucker:**  Epsa-whatsawhat?

" _It's gets scary when Caboose isn't the one getting lost from explanations_." Noire said.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Me, dipshit!

"Welp, that is certainly is Church." Ruby said in a deadpanned tone as everyone sweatdropped, "Good to have you back, buddy. I guess."

 **Caboose:**  Uh, yeah, see, he's a resident memory of the guy that Church was based on, so he's kind of like, remembering himself. Yeah, Simmons can explain, yeah, much better than I can, probably.

"No, no. You're doing just fine." Weiss said before a shiver ran down her spine, "God, that felt weird."

 **Grif:**  Sounds like I have another reason to be glad Simmons isn't here.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Wait, I thought he was Simmons? ( _looks at Sarge)_

"No, Simmons is at Valhalla dying from the Meta." Yang corrected.

 **Caboose:**  He's Sarge. Sa-a-aarggee-e.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  I'm confused, not deaf, you idiot! Now who's the yellow one? ( _looks at Grif)_

" _Well, he's definitely colour-blind_." Noire muttered.

 **Grif:**  I'm not yellow, I'm orange!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Yeah, then how'd you know who I was talking about?

"He gets called that a lot." Blake answered.

 **Tucker:**  How come he remembers us, but not who we are?

 **Grif:**  Why does everyone think I'm yellow!? Seriously!? Didn't anybody have a box of crayons when they were a kid?

 **Caboose:**  Oh, it will come back to him. See, I've been telling him stories, about all of us.  _(Screen jumps to Tucker for a few seconds then back to Caboose)_  Well, most of us.

 **Sarge:**  Is that what you've been trying to do all this time? Rebuild your buddy?

"Well, considering that Epsilon is now technically Church and he has a body, I can say Caboose's project was a success." Ruby said.

 **Caboose:**  Yes... no... maybe... which will make you less mad?

"The one that doesn't make us regret it." Weiss answered.

 **Tucker:**  So the only stuff he knows about us is what you told him? That's scary on a lot of levels, dude.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Why?

"Uh, because Caboose can barely remember his own name." Ruby answered, "What makes you think he'll remember everything a retell it perfectly?".

 **Tucker:**  Oh, why? Okay, quick quiz. Who am I?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  You're, Captain Flowers right? You're dead.  _(turns to Caboose)_ I've been meaning to ask you about that part. Is he like a zombie?

"Eh… I'll give Caboose this one. If Tucker didn't steal Captain Flowers', God bless his soul, armour and told who Tucker is, Epsilon would've got it." Blake said.

 **Tucker:**  Uh-huh, and who is he?  _(flashes to Grif then to Epsilon-Church)_

 **Epsilon-Church:**  He's Grif, which is spelled with two "f's".

"WRONG!" The girls shouted out,

"Grif has a lot of misconceptions about him, huh?" Weiss noted.

 **Grif:**  Goddammit! Okay, now that's another thing!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Caboose was very specific about that second "f".

" _Because that 'f' is special_." Noire muttered as she rolled her eyes.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, and what about the red guy?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Well, if he's not Simmons, then I guess he's Sarge.  _(flashes to Sarge then back to Epsilon-Church)_  That would make him the gruff and regimented leader of the Red Team.

"Huh. That's actually right." Yang said, genuinely surprised by Church's answer, "Caboose actually managed to get something completely righ-"

"Just give it a minute." Weiss interrupted.

 **Sarge:**  ...That actually seems pretty-

 **Tucker:**  Just, give him one more second.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Which would make him also the captain of their pirate ship.

"There we go." Weiss said as everyone groaned.

 **Tucker:**  There it is.

 **Caboose:**  I am a good story teller.

" _You didn't even mention an entire person, Tucker, who played a key role in Season 4 and 5_." Noire pointed out.

 **Tucker:**  How are you gonna tell stories? You can't even read stories.

 **Caboose:**  I can read!

"Children's books." Blake muttered, "You can barely read children's books."

 **Tucker:**  Caboose is the only guy I know of who had an illustrated field manual. He's a moron.

"I don't care if the war is fake, why did they let him into the army again?" Ruby groaned as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Caboose:**  Well, it helps when the stories have pictures. Duh!

 **Tucker:**  For the first two months I worked with him, he thought you held grenades over your head, while they shot arrows at the enemy.

"Seriously, like, is his IQ in the negatives?" Yang said as she shook her head, "And this is guy who managed to install an A.I into ancient alien technology."

"Well, there are different types of smarts. Caboose just happens to not be smart in 99.69% of those smarts." Blake spoke up,

' _Hehehe, 69_.' Noire thought as she held back a chuckle.

 **Caboose:**  That diagram could have been a lot more specific.

 **Sarge:**  Heh, you're lucky. As a recruit, Grif didn't even know what a grenade was! I called it a pineapple, and he tried to swallow it.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, well it still tasted better than those MRE's you serve us.

"Yeah, because gunpowder and shrapnel is part of a healthy diet." The red Leader said sarcastically.

 **Sarge:**  Grif! Show some respect! Do you know how many men died to develop those meals?

"None." Yang answered, "Unless, you know, somehow MREs are made out of people."

 **Grif:**  I can tell you exactly how many: everybody who ever tasted one.

"You know, I think we have MREs just in case we run out of food." Blake told everyone,

" _And that's important right now because_ …" Noire questioned,

"I don't know. I felt like it was something I should say."

 **Tucker:**  At least he doesn't kill everyone who suits up for your team.

 **Caboose:**  Oh, yeah, I don't think I really did that.

"Oh dear lord, don't tell me he figured out how Church time travelling and indirectly killing himself." Weiss groaned, "I swear to God, if he did…"

"And what's wrong with that?" Ruby asked,

" _What's wrong_!? It means Caboose is finding out the answers to ridiculous questions! That's my job as the smart one!"

" _Uh… wasn't it already established that Blake is the smart one_." Noire pointed out,

"I keep telling everyone: Leave me out of this!" Blake exclaimed,

"Anyway…" Weiss continued, "If he finds out, that makes me the DUMB ONE! I AM NOT DUMB!"

"Huh?" Ruby said, not really understanding what the Heiress was saying,

"Basically, she's saying that if Caboose finds out what actually happened, that makes him seem smarter than he appears." Blake explained, "Perhaps smarter than Weiss."

"That makes absolutely no sense." Yang said,

" _It's the show_." Noire spoke up, " _Her love for the characters and the relations and somewhat resemblance to Church and everyone else is causing her to question her own intelligence. She's beginning to think more and more like them. It doesn't make sense to us, but to her, its perfect logic_." The girls thought about it for a few seconds while Weiss was having a slight mental breakdown,

"…So, she's basically going insane."

" _Yes, absolutely_."

 **Tucker:**  Then who did?

 **Caboose:**  Okay, stick with me on this, right. What if Church travelled back in time using Wyoming's special ability power-

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!" Weiss shouted out, now fully having a mental breakdown, as she banging her head against the wall, "FUCK FUCK FUCK!"

" _Aaaaaand… she's lost it._ " Noire said casually before sighing, " _Let me take care of this_." She then stood up and pulled out a bottle full of beer out of nowhere,

"Noire, I swear if you do what I think you're doing…" Blake growled, Noire's shock collar remote at the ready,

" _Don't worry_." Noire said with a smile. She approached the Heiress and lifted up the beer bottle, " _Yo princess_!"

"Huh?"

" _PS4 is better than Xbox, and Wii U is for little girls_!" Suddenly, everything in the room froze,

"SHUT! UP!" Weiss yelled at Noire as she proceeded to tackle her and… well, let's just say it wasn't exactly PG13. Anyway, after one traumatizing experience later, Weiss had calmed down enough to go back to the couch.

Noire, however, was in a corner of the dorm in a fetal position shivering like it was winter and she had no clothes on.

"W-W-Weiss." T'Ambrose stuttered out, "O-Oh dear God, Weiss."

"How is she even alive?" Blake asked, amazed that the Heiress had it in her to do… that,

"W-Well, I know what the beer is for." Yang said as she stared at Noire, who was now drinking the beverage heavily,

"No console is better. Everyone has their preferences." Weiss muttered as she grabbed the remote, "Noire, ready to continue?"

 _*hic*_ " _Sure… whatever you say princess._ " Noire answered, her speech slurred as she stumbled towards the couch, " _Y-You know, I always liked *hic* you guys since the day *hic* the day I was born_!"

"Noire, you're drunk. Go and sleep it off." Ruby told the drunk cat girl,

* _hic_ * " _Make yourself more drunk_? * _hic* Whatever you say Lindsay._ " Noire said as she tried to pull out another bottle, but came up with nothing,  _*hic*_ " _Don't worry, *hic* I have super powers thanks *hic* God. *hic* I can summon more_."

"Did you just call me Lindsay?" Ruby asked,

" _I *hic* CAN CALL YOU *hic* WHATEVER I WANT *hic* BOOBY_!" Noire then proceeded to do a series of hand signs as she whispered to herself, " _Dog, Tiger, Dragon, Fish, Hedgehog, Cow, Spider, Robot, Computer, Car, Triangle, Square, Zombie, 27, 82, Kangaroo, Spongebob_!  ** _ANATA GA YOTTE IRU DAMARE NO JUTSU_**!" Suddenly, the whole room was covered in smoke as the RWBYs coughed and tried to find the window so they could let it out. When they did and smoke cleared, Noire was just getting up. And from the looks of it, she was just getting over another hangover, " _Ugh… I hate my job_." She muttered before she stumbled her way back to the couch. As everyone got back to the couch, Ruby said what was on everyone's minds,

"What the fuck just happened?" They decided to leave it at that and just get back to watching,

' _Ugh… thank you NebulaXYZ for the joke. Also, spot the Smosh reference_.' Noire thought before slamming her head on the table.

 **Tucker:**  Aw, shut up, that's fucking retarded.

 **Grif:**  Argh, you guys are idiots!

"Seriously, tell us something we don't know!" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Caboose:**  What!? What about you guys?

 **Sarge:**  Who's the real idiot? The idiot, or the idiot who fights it?

"That doesn't even make any sense." Yang muttered.

 **Tucker:**  What, dude? In either scenario, you're still an idiot.

 **Sarge:**  Huh, I would expect you to say something like that.

 **Grif:**  Wait, I think he's right.

 **Sarge:**  Shut up, Grif! I always thought your armor was yellow too! Matches your personality.

"All of them are idiots in their own way, so shut up about it!" Blake shouted out,

" _Oh… not too loud…_ " Noire moaned.

 **Caboose:**  Hey! You shouldn't be mean to people who work for you! He just wants to be your friend!

 **Tucker:**  No one tries to do that but you!

"Yeah, but you guys should really follow Caboose's example." Weiss said.

 **Sarge:**  I think you're all a bunch of idiots and I'm gonna fight every one of ya!

_Sarge, Grif and Tucker start arguing and swearing at each other (Including this exchange:_

**Grif:** You had sex with a rock!

 **Tucker:**  Your sister's name is A Rock? _)_

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_." Noire whispered, not wanting to speak too loudly, " _He also had sex with an alien. A male alien_."

_Then Epsilon-Church talks._

**Epsilon-Church:**  Everybody stop!

 **Caboose:**  I AM YELLING ABOUT THINGS, okay I guess we're done now.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  All right, listen guys. I might not remember everything right now, but it will come back to me, okay? I can feel it. But I do know this: if we don't work together, and destroy this weapon, those guys outside are gonna kill a lot of people, and we can't let that happen. So just for a moment, let's set aside our differences and get to work solving this problem, together.

_At this point, Epsilon-Church is floating away, unaware of it, while the others watch_

"You know, although everything is true, it would be a lot more convincing if you weren't floating to the left." Ruby said, with everyone agreeing.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Being in charge is a tough task, but I'm a born leader. So if you follow me, I know I can get us through this. Are you with me?

 **Grif:**  Where are you going?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Uh, yeah, I don't seem to have full control over my body yet. But that doesn't invalidate anything I said! I'm still the leader! Fuck!  _(Epsilon-Church floats out of sight)_ Okay, I'll be right back! No one else takes the leader position while I'm gone!

"Don't worry, we'll keep it warm for you!" Yang called out.

 **Caboose:**  Okay, bye!

 **Sarge:**  Yeah, see ya later, Winston Churchill!

"Well, that was…" Weiss started before getting interrupted by Noire,

" _Please, I've had enough crap for one day. Let's just end the day on a high note._ " The perverted cat girl said,

"A high note?" Blake asked,

" _I don't know. Sing, watch something else, I don't care. Let me just_ …" The girls then heard snoring from Noire, indicating that she fell asleep,

"Um, okay…" Yang muttered, "So… what should we do?"

"I guess we should sing." Ruby suggested, "So, what song should we sing?" They all thought about it for a second before Weiss suggested to sing the song she was going to sing for her tour. They agreed and started singing. Cue another random musical number!

 **Ruby:** Where did we meet before just like this

I know your smile

Your voice just like that

You talk to me and I smile right back

I don't believe in fantasy

 **Weiss:** Same dress, same smell reminds me

Something I can't forget

Same song same tone in your voice

Tell me this isn't a dream

 **RWBY:** Take me far where the stars are still asleep

You and me, we'll live forevermore

I will follow you my destiny

Won't you get my feet back on the ground

I'm getting played by you

Déjà vu

 **Blake:** I saw the sparkles in your eyes

Your soothing words make me feel alive

I would be glad to stay in sight

Let's play into this mystery

 **Yang:** Same words as if this is the first time

As if I'm stuck in a loop

I'm lost in sweet illusion

Turn me into sensation

 **RWBY:** Take me far where the stars are still asleep

You and me, we'll live forevermore

I will follow you my destiny

Won't you get my feet back on the ground

I'm getting played by you

Déjà vu

 **Ruby:** Where did we meet before just like this

 **Weiss:** I know your smile

Your voice just like that

 **Blake:** You talk to me and I smile right back

 **Yang:** I don't believe in fantasy

 **Ruby & Weiss: **Same dress, same smell reminds me

Something I can't forget

 **Blake & Yang: **Same song same tone in your voice

Tell me this isn't a dream

 **Ruby:** Take me far where the stars are still asleep…

 **Weiss:** You and me, we'll live forevermore…

 **Blake:** I will follow you my destiny…

 **Yang:** Won't you get my feet back on the ground

* * *

Weiss stuffed Myrtenaster up Noire's ass, by the way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	61. Season Finale-Unforgettable (Retention Deficit, Trust Issues, Hang Time, Think You Know Someone)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue comes from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

It was another sunny day in the city known as Vale. It had been seven weeks since summer had begun and now people were starting to rush around. The end of summer holidays were only 3 weeks away and those who were going back to school at the end of those three weeks, whenever or not they were Hunters-in-training or civilian, adult or child, were trying to cram in as much stuff they needed to do before summer ends. From training to hanging out with friends, everyone was trying to make the most of their summer. To make it their perfect summer, a summer that no one will ever forget.

Although not perfect, the goal of making an unforgettable summer was "achieved" all the way back at the start of it.

"OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

*BZZZZT!*

" _I STILL REGRET NOTHING_!"

Yep, the RWBYs were truly experiencing an unforgettable summer even since they've gotten trapped in Beacon. Too bad it was a summer most of them wanted to forget.

"It's only 6am, and you're already shocking Noire. Why am I not surprised…" Weiss mumbled, having just got out of bed and looking at the scene in front of her. She noted that Blake and Noire were already in their normal clothes, "Okay, what did Noire do?"

" _Why do you assume I did it_!?" Noire shouted out as she quickly stood up as if nothing happened to her. The Faunus and the Heiress only looked at her with raised eyebrows, "… _Okay, I **may** have done something but you can't prove it_!" Blake could only glare at her perverted clone,

"I saw you trying to use Gambol Shroud as a… as a… fuck!" Blake cursed as she realized she couldn't say what Noire was about to do with her weapon, "I don't know what she was doing with it but I know it's something disgusting!"

" _Oh, don't act like you weren't going to do it yourself_." Blake quickly blushed before shaking her head,

"Well, yeah, but still! Not like that!"

"…I'm getting breakfast." Weiss said, not wanting to get involved with whatever the two were arguing about. She left the 'twins' so she could go take a shower and change into her normal clothes,

" _I'm not evil_!" Noire yelled at Blake, both of them ignoring Weiss' exit from the room, " _I just happen to look kinda evil_!  _And act kinda evil. Hell, I even sound kinda evil_."

"So basically, you're evil." Blake deadpanned, "And what do you mean you sound evil. You sound just like me."

" _Whatever I say is written in italics, I think that indicates evil._ " Noire then started thinking, " _You know, I should've switched to the normal way to writing instead of italics as soon as I got my own body. I wonder why he kept writing whatever I say like this_."

"Noire, shut up and stop trying to confuse me!" Blake growled, "Look, you aren't supposed to exist. You were never supposed to exist! So stop playing with my weapon and LEAVE ME ALONE!"

" _Hey, a lot of people aren't supposed to exist and I don't see you complaining_!" Noire retorted,

"What the fuck are you talking about!?"

" _I'm talking about my species_!"

"You mean  _our_ species!"

" _No, I meant **mine**_." Noire growled as the two glared at each other, " _You know, this used to be fun but now I'm kinda pissed. I can't believe I'm based off of some party pooper_."

"Well I can't believe that the person that's based off me is a whore!"

" _I'm a virgin_!"

"I fucking doubt that!"

"GUYS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP!" Yang shouted out of nowhere, freaking the two out and ending their argument, "For fuck's sake! Noire, whatever you were about to do with Blake's weapon has to stop. Blake, Noire is a pervert not a whore. Don't you remember how we got your body back!?" Noire couldn't help but blush while Blake just looked down in shame, "Now, apologize! Before I send lava dragons on your asses!" Stabs of fear quickly pierced their hearts as they shivered, remembering Yang's Aura Mode,

" _I'm sorry Blake for trying to use Gambol Shroud as a BDSM whip_.  _I've been reading way too much of Fifty Shades of Red._ "

"I'm sorry I called you a whore. It was unnecessary and uncalled-for." They both apologized at the same time. Blake then sighed, "Okay, I admit that book is awesome."

" _I know, right_?" Noire said before she giggled, " _Anyway, no harm done. I've been called worse._ "

"By who?"

" _None of your business._ "

"Alright, so is everything settled then?" Yang asked. The two girls in black looked at each other before nodding, "Good. You know, I'm surprised Ruby slept through all that." The three girls in the room then focused their attention to the red Leader, who was blissfully asleep, "I wonder what she's dreaming about."

(Ruby's Dream)

"Okay, this Agent Reality, is everyone in position? Agent Delta?"

"Agent Delta is in position. Awaiting your command."

"Agent Trigger?"

"I have the target in sight. Give the signal and I'll execute."

"Agent Ronin?"

"R-R-Ready."

"Agent Bitch?"

"Why did I agree to this?"

"Agent Yang?"

"Ready to kick ass."

"Agent Ghost."

"On point and ready to mutilate."

"Agent Love."

"Prepared for anything."

"Okay, on my mark. 3… 2…"

"Fuck! Target is moving! I repeat, target is moving! No wait… shit, TARGET IS ATTACKING ME! AAAHH!"

"Shit! Delta! Move! Ghost, go with Delta now! Everyone, Code 13! Code 13!"

"OH GOD! THE HUMANITY! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP TRIGGER!"

"Reality, it's too late! We need to retreat!"

"We're not leaving a Ruby behind!"

"It's already too late Agent Love! We'll retrieve her afterwards! Agent Yang, get Delta out of there now! Before the Target attacks her!"

"THIS IS AGENT BITCH! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"…Permission to take pictures?"

"Permission granted."

"OH FUCK YOU ALL! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"This is Agent Yang saying Delta is out of the area and ready for evac!"

"Good! Everyone retreat now! Abort! Abort! Abort!"

"OH GOD! NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"No, Agent Ghost! Agent Ghost, do you read me!? …Fuck."

"Well that was a fucking disaster."

"…W-W-Well, lo-l-l-l-look on th-t-t-the b-b-br-bright s-si-si-side. W-We only had th-t-t-t-three ca-ca-c-ca-casualties, w-w-way b-b-better th-than our l-l-la-last at-a-att-attempt t-t-to re-re-recapture P-Perv-Pe-P-Perverted R-R-Ruby."

"Well, yeah bu-ACK!"

"Hello? Ruby? Real Ruby, this Cuddle Ruby, do you copy?"

"…"

"Well, shit."

(Reality)

"Meh, probably nothing really interesting." Yang guessed as she saw T'Ambrose starting to wake up,

"Well, that could've gone better." Ruby muttered as she gave a yawn and stretched before noticing her teammates looking at her, "Um, morning guys."

"Morning Ruby." They all said unison,

"C'mon sleepy head, we're gonna finish off Recreation after breakfast so get up." Yang said before she went out to get changed,

"Yeah. Okay." Ruby mumbled before she looked at the two cat girls, "I'm gonna go get breakfast."

"Alright. Me & Noire will set up the TV, isn't that right Noire?" Blake said. Noire sighed before nodding, "Now go get dressed." Ruby nodded before jumping off her bed, grabbing her clothes and went out the dorm to use JNPR's bathroom. After an hour or two, everyone was back in the dorm ready to watch the Season Finale of Red vs Blue: Recreation,

"So, is everyone ready?" Ruby asked,

"Yep." Weiss simply replied,

"Let's start it up already." Blake said,

"Hurry up Ruby! I wanna see what they're gonna do with Church now that's he's back!" Yang said eagerly, "Well, kind of but you get what I'm saying."

" _I'm waiting_!" Noire called out,

"Alright! The end is near but things are about to heat up! It's time to watch the Season Finale of Red vs Blue: Recreation!" Ruby declared as Yang picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Retention Deficit)**

_Donut, Simmons, and Lopez are keeping watch at Red Base._

**Simmons:**  I'm out.

 **Donut:**  Me too!

"Okay, how did they run out of ammo?" Ruby asked,

"They must've used up all their bullets shooting at anything that made them jump." Weiss answered, "Understandable, considering that they think the Meta can still go invisible."

 **Simmons:**  Well, that's it. I guess we're done, then.

 **Donut:**  Yeah. Simmons, I have to say, I didn't think I would go out like this.

"There were a lot of ways you could've gone out, Donut. From being crushed by a space ship to a sticky grenade to the face." Blake pointed out, "But I have to admit, fuck, I imagined him going out defending the Reds while they escaped or something. Go out a hero."

" _Not everyone goes out like a hero._ " Noire muttered to herself before sighing sadly, " _Had to learn that the hard way._ "

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, whatever, that's nice.

 **Donut:**  You're not curious how I thought I would go out?

 **Simmons:**  No. No, not in the least.

"I want to." Yang said before noticing the other girls were staring at her, "What? I genuinely curious how Donut would die!"

 **Donut:**  How about you? Did you think you'd go out like this?

 **Simmons:**  Underequipped and surrounded by people I hate? Yeah, that's pretty much how I pictured it since I got assigned into this unit. You see, I'm a realist.

"Yeah, we kinda figured that out around Season 1." Blake said.

 **Lopez:**   _I always thought I would be taken out by poor maintenance._

"I always though Lopez would die because of Sarge." Weiss admitted before quickly mumbling, "Or commit suicide-hey! Nice weather we're having today, right?"

"We totally heard that." RBY & Noire said at the same time, "And we agree."

 **Simmons:**  Lopez is right. We need to think of something.

 **Donut:**  Can we escape?

" _One cannot simply escape the Meta_." Noire said sagely, " _Only run away. Or at the very least walk at a very brisk pace_."

 **Simmons:**  I don't see how. He's faster than us and stronger than us.

 **Lopez:**  ( _glares at Simmons_ )  _Plus, somebody blew up all our vehicles._

"Yeah, and that  **somebody**  happens to wear maroon and is a total fucking dumbass." Yang growled as she glared at the screen. If she had heat vision, she would've melted the TV by now.

 **Donut:**  Good idea, Lopez!

 **Simmons:**  You understood what he said?

 **Donut:**  Yeah! High School Spanish, remember? He said the Meta must have gotten here someway.

"Okay, that isn't exactly what Lopez said." Blake started before she saw her teammates looking at her, "Alright, not even close, but Donut does have a point. The Meta couldn't have gotten to Valhalla without some sort of transportation."

"But what if it was dropped off from like a plane or something?" Ruby pointed out,

"Well, then again, who would want to transport something as psychotic as the Meta?" Blake also pointed out. Ruby was about to retort but found no arguments,

"Alright, so they possibly have a way of escaping the Meta. They just need to find it first." Ruby said,

' _Thank you FredFuchs86 for the reaction_!' Noire thought.

 **Lopez:**   _I did?_

 **Donut:**  We just need to find his vehicle, and steal it!

 **Simmons:**  That's a good idea, Lopez!

 **Lopez:**   _It is? No it isn't._

"Even though there's likely no chance of them finding the Meta's vehicle, they at least have to try." Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  Okay, let's think. If you were a crazed lunatic, where would you hide a vehicle?

 **Lopez:**   _Maybe he cloaked it. That's what I would do._

 **Donut:**  A garage is too obvious, Lopez. We need to think of something crazier.

"Seriously, they're in danger and they're still faking a conversation with Lopez! Someone get a fucking dictionary!" Yang exclaimed.

 **Lopez:**   _Stop translating for me!_

 **Donut:**  Crazier!

 **Lopez** (& RWBY and Noire) **:**   _That wasn't even a suggestion!_

 **Simmons:**  Well, clearly Lopez is just having an off-day, so let's ignore him.

"No, you're having the off-day. Which is every day." Blake said.

 **Lopez:**   _Fuck you guys._

 **Simmons:**  So we're looking for some kind of vehicle, probably parked by Blue Base…

"You don't even know there's a vehicle in the canyon!" Weiss shouted, "Hell, it's a hell of a lot faster to have Lopez build one for you guys."

" _Which he will promptly take and leave Simmons and Donut behind for the Meta_." Noire added.

 **Lopez:**   _You're talking as if you know there is a vehicle!_

 **Donut:**  What if it only has two seats?

"Someone rides on shotgun's lap. Duh." Weiss said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe.

 **Simmons:**  Hmm, I didn't think about that… Hey Lopez, turn off your ears for a second.

 **Lopez:**   _What? Why would I do that?_

 **Simmons:**  Okay, are they off?

"How can he answer if can't even hear the question?" Blake said before sighing, "They're gonna die. They are so gonna die."

 **Lopez:**   _Yeah, they're off. That's why I can answer you._

 **Simmons:**  Okay, good! ( _to Donut, almost murmuring_ ) If there's no room, we'll just leave Lopez. He's pretty much expendable, and we won't be able to get any info outta him anyway.

"Why is he murmuring?" Ruby whispered, "Lopez can't read lips, especially when it's under his helmet."

" _Simmons is getting dumber every day_." Noire muttered.

 **Donut:**  I feel bad about it, though. He's been so loyal…

 **Simmons:**  So what? He's a robot. He has to be loyal! Dogs are loyal too but that doesn't mean you can't eat them when you're stranded in an arctic outpost and Command can't get rations through because of a seasonal blizzard.

The RWBYs and Noire leaned back on the couch as soon as they heard that, "What the fuck?" Yang said.

 **Donut:**  That seems like a very specific example…

"That's, ow!" Ruby tried to say before she winced in pain,

"Sis, you okay?" Yang asked. T'Ambrose just shook her head a little before nodding,

"I'm okay. It's just that Real Ruby is currently screaming really loudly inside my-I mean, her head that it's hurting my ears and giving me a headache."

"I'm not surprised." Weiss spoke up, "She is rather attached to Zwei. I bet she wouldn't even  _think_ about doing something like that."

"It's an even worse hypothetical situation for Faunus when they have the same features as their pets." Blake said, "It's borderline cannibalism!"

"Hey, this might be a bit sensitive but how would you two deal with it?" The Heiress asked the two Faunus in the room,

"Well, if it was dog and not a cat…" Blake was then cut off from her musings as Noire quickly covered her mouth, surprising her before giving her former other personality a cat glare and went to grab her remote, only to see Noire had already grabbed it and was keeping it out of her reach,

" _Maybe you aren't the smart one_." Noire said while Blake's glare intensified, " _You'll thank me once T'Ambrose gives us our Ruby's message._ "

"She's not your Ruby!" Weiss and Yang yelled out,

"But yeah, what did Ruby say?" Yang asked,

"Well," T'Ambrose started while suffering from a worse headache, "She said if you're going to say anything she doesn't like, then the first moment she's able to she'll rip off Noire's shock collar, let Perverted Ruby lace it with aphrodisiacs, force it on you in the most painful way possible, in the most embarrassing place possible, and then give Noire the remote." Blake's eyes then widened in fear,

"Th-Thanks Noire." Blake said awkwardly after the perverted cat girl uncovered her mouth,

" _You're welcome, though now that I know what exactly what she would do I'm kinda regretting it._ " Noire said, ' _…Huh, he's not gonna do the shock thing. Well thank y-_ '

*BZZZZT!*

"And that was calling me dumb." Blake said as she blew off the smoke coming from the remote,

' _Nope, still went with it._ ' Noire thought as she groaned and got back onto the couch, ' _Thank you RT fan for the reaction_!'

 **Simmons:**  I don't want to talk about it.

 **Simmons:** Hey Lopez, you can turn your ears back on now.

" _IF YOU TOLD HIM TO SHUT OFF HIS EARS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE CAN HEAR YOU TELLING HIM TO TURN HIS EARS BACK ON_ , _YOU FUCKING MORONIC RETARDED RETARD RETARD_!" Noire shouted out loud enough to shatter the window,

"God fucking dammit, Noire." Weiss grumbled as she paused the episode to go get the millionth replacement window,

"You called him a 'retard', like, three times." Ruby pointed out,

" _Well, he is a retarded retard retard_!" Noire said childishly. After Weiss replaced the window, it was back to watching, ' _Thank you Fred Fuchs86 for the joke_.'

 **Lopez:**  Click. _Oh, I can hear again. What a fucking miracle._

"Well, I have a good feeling who's gonna get left behind if the jeep's a two seater." Yang said,

"If there even is a jeep." Blake muttered.

_Scene shifts to inside the temple in Sandtrap. Epsilon-Church is drifting non-stop._

**Epsilon-Church:**  Whoa, halt, cease! Uhh… abort dot move! Fuck!

"Well, on the bright side…" Ruby started before thinking, "Actually there is no bright side. Never mind!"

 **Caboose:**  Church, wait!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Wait? I can't wait. I'm moving on my own! …which I realize doesn't make sense when I say it out loud. ( _suddenly stops moving_ ) Hey, look! I figured out how to stop!

"Congratulations, we're very proud of you." Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Tucker:**  Wow, you figured out how to not move!? You're a genius.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Oh, check this out! I can go backwards too. ( _moves back a couple of inches_ ) Zhoooop!

"We got ourselves a badass over here!" Yang shouted out.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, well now you're just bragging.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Well, it's important to  _me_ , asshole.

 **Caboose:**  I'm impressed. I can't go backwards!

"You can't even count backwards Caboose!" Blake called out, "Or count at all!"

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Stop patronizing me.

 **Tucker:**  Well, he's definitely starting to remember you.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  I already know Caboose. He's the only guy that would talk to me while I was in storage.

" _Good thing too. Who knows what the Reds would do with Epsilon_." Noire said.

 **Tucker:**  You remembering anything else?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  I don't know. It's… it's like fuzzy, for some reason. Maybe there's a file or some kind of database I can access from here. Gimme a second.

"Uh… that's a bad idea." Ruby said a bit nervously, "You never know what might be in there and it's better not to mess with things you don't understand."

"Plus, there are some things that are meant to stay buried." Blake added.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, rooting around in your brain sounds like a great idea when you can barely figured out how to move on your own.

 **Caboose:**  Um. Hey, um, Tucker? Um, yeah, uh, Agent Washington told me that Church—I mean, uh, Epsilon, is uhm… a little messed up.

"That's a big understatement Caboose." Weiss muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah. I can see that.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, no, I mean he's got some, uh, memories that, uh, he probably… shouldn't access.

 **Tucker:**  What  _kind_  of memories?

" _The kind of memories that would drive anyone to commit suicide inside someone's head_." Noire answered.

 **Caboose:**  Uh, yeah, see, some people did some bad stuff to him, and uh, he's kind of repressed, uh… a lot of, uh… stuff. Do you know what a repressed memory is?

"Don't get me started." Yang mumbled as all of them shivered. Yes, even Noire.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, Caboose. I've repressed almost every moment I spent with you. I'm actually repressing this as we speak.

 **Caboose:**  Well thank-you, that means a lot to me.

"And that's basically Tucker's relationship with Caboose in a nutshell." Weiss said.

 **Epsilon-Church:**   _[mumbling]_  Schematics… what the hell is "schematic…" let's see… Man! There are a lot of functions in here. I can't figure out what a tenth of these even do!

 **Caboose:**  Is "nap" a function? Cuz that's my favorite—oh! Also, "eat ice cream."

"I don't robots can eat ice cream, especially when it's just a floating eye." Ruby deadpanned.

 **Tucker:**  That is so. Stupid.

"No kidding." Blake muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Ah, you're right, technically that is a sub-routine of just plain "eat."

_There is a crash outside the temple. Tucker looks up._

"Man, they  _really_ wanna break into the temple, huh?" Yang noted,

"Well, considering that their worst enemy, an ancient alien weapon and people who know their secret are in there, it's not much of a surprise." Her partner replied.

 **Tucker:**  I wish those guys would just GIVE! UP!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Okay, here we go. What does this do?

_There is a click. Epsilon-Church faces a wall and projects a video from his eye. In the video, there is a soldier walking with the floating Monitor._

Weiss scoffed as she saw the video playing from Epsilon's eye, "Re-using cutscenes from Halo 3? That's just lazy." She said as she rolled her eyes,

"Well, whoever makes Red vs Blue must be in a partnership with whoever makes these Halo games considering they have a lot of seasons." Blake pointed out,

' _I wonder if they have Two Girls, One Cup in Epsilon's databanks…_ ' Noire thought.

 **Tucker:**  What is this? Some kind of training film?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Yeah, I guess.

 **Caboose:**  I love movies. Do you have "Cramer vs. Craver" in there?

"That movie sucks." Yang muttered, "I prefer the movie 'Shitler vs Dauth Vuder' myself."

"That was epic." Ruby admitted, "Though I still wonder about the rap battle in the middle."

 **Epsilon-Church:**  It looks like it's teaching me how to interact with guys like—

_In the video, the Monitor glows red and shoots a red ray of light at a soldier running towards him. The man is blasted to the side._

"I hate that stupid fucking Monitor." Weiss muttered to herself, "It killed Sergeant Johnson. Best goddamn soldier in history next to the Master Chief."

"Whoa! That guy got fucked up!" Yang exclaimed,

"Church can do that?" Blake asked,

"Well if he can, the universe is fucked." Ruby answered,

" _If he can._ " Noire added, " _It may not be our Church but it's still Church. He's bound to have inherited something from the Alpha._ "

"Oh c'mon, he can't do any worse than Alpha-Church." Ruby said, "Not after what happened at Freelancer Command."

"Still the worst fucking shot ever." Weiss said before shaking and clenching her fists, hoping, just hoping she wouldn't say those accursed three words, "Of all time. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

 **Tucker:**  Ohh, holy shit!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Wow! I can do that!? I wanna do that, how do I do that!?

 **Tucker:**  Was that a laser? That was fucking awesome!

"I know, right?" Yang said excitedly, "Who knew that tiny little ball can pack a big punch!"

" _It's not about the size, it's about the power after all._ " Noire said, " _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_."

*BZZZZT!*

" _This thing has to run out of batteries some day._ " Noire groaned before getting back onto the couch.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  I gotta figure out how to do that!

 **Tucker:**  No! I told you guys not to touch anything, now you've got some floating crap! Who knows what that thing can do? Don't just go turning stuff on.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  ( _making grunting noises_ ) What's that? I'ma try like—( _more grunting noises_ )

"Grunting doesn't help." Blake said before muttering inaudibly, "Trust me, I tried."

 **Tucker:**  Whoa, whoa! And definitely don't turn it on while you're looking at me! That eye creeps me out anyway.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Well, maybe if I could just access my long-term memory so I can figure out how these functions work.

 **Caboose:**  Uh, oh, yeah, I don't know, see, I uh, I think that, maybe, sounds like a bad idea?

"Caboose has a point." Weiss said, getting strange looks from the others, "What?"

" _Well, considering the last time Caboose showed intelligence about something you got all whiny and acted like a crazy person who would shove long pointy objects up certain people's anal region_!" Noire snapped,

Weiss had the decency to blush, "Yes, well that was different, this is more of a common sense thing. Since Epsilon went crazy due to remembering all that it may be a bad idea to have him remember the trauma while inside an alien artifact."

"An alien artifact that shoots lasers, by the way." Ruby added.

 **Caboose:** And I don't know if I would go—

_Click_

**Epsilon-Church:**  Uh-oh.

"What did he do?" Blake asked rhetorically.

 **Caboose:**  What? What happened?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Crap. Instead of turning on my long-term memory, I think I just shut off my short-term memory.

"Ha! Looks like you don't have to worry about it! All he did was make his memory worse!" Yang told the Heiress, "Don't worry your pretty little head Weiss, you'll be sane for one more episode."

"You know, if Noire could survive, can someone with a Semblance based around taking hits survive what I'm about to do to you?" Weiss growled as she cracked her knuckles,

"Eh he he he he, that's a great question Weiss. Let's save it Jaune, alright." The Blonde Brawler said nervously while shifting away from the girl in white as fast as possible.

 **Caboose:**  Oh… Is that bad?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Huh? Is what bad?

 **Caboose:**  Your memory thingy getting shut off.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Who shut off my memory?

 **Caboose:**  You did.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  I did what?

 **Caboose:**  Shut off your memory?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Why do you want me to shut off my memory?

 **Caboose:**  No, it's already shut off.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  What is?

 **Caboose:**  Your memory.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Yeah, what about it?

"Oh dear lord." Blake groaned, "This is as bad as that Who's On First sketch."

"I still don't understand why that guy couldn't just say who those men's real names were." Ruby spoke up,

"That's the joke, duh." Yang informed her little sister.

 **Tucker:**  Wow. Well, this is a drastic improvement. Hey, you!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Me?

 **Tucker:**  Yes! You! Don't touch anything else or try to activate any computer stuff.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  ( _pauses; turns to Caboose_ ) Are you gonna answer him?

" _Yeah… Tucker and the Reds are doomed_." Noire muttered, ' _Thank you snake screamer for the joke._ '

_An explosion occurs outside the temple. The temple rumbles._

"That can't be good." Weiss said a bit worryingly.

 **Caboose:**  Did you hear that!?

 **Tucker:**  Aw, crap!

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Oh my God, what are we yelling about!?

"LOUD NOISES!" Yang shouted out… loudly.

 **Tucker:**  I think they busted into the temple!

"Well, there goes the super rock theory!" Ruby called out.

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Oh fuck, that sounds bad, where's the temple?

 **Tucker:**  Jesus Christ, don't let him talk to me anymore!

 **Epsilon-Church & Caboose:** Okay, don't talk to him.

"You know what, fuck Tucker and the Reds, the universe is already fucked." Blake muttered as she shook her head.

 **Tucker:**  I can't fucking believe I have two of them now. ( _runs off_ )

"Great, now we have to deal with two Cabooses." Weiss said before she sighed and shook her head, "And soon Caboose will be God, and then we'll definitely be fucked."

"For the love of God, if that comes true, I'm gonna kill you." Blake growled,

"You know, we keep saying we're gonna kill each other but we never really endangered each other's lives yet." Yang noted, "Well, there's Noire but she doesn't count."

" _Didn't Weiss die_?" Noire asked,

"Um, no, Weiss' soul got scared out of her body thanks to Creepy Ruby." T'Ambrose answered, "Anyway, let's get on with it and finish the season." Her teammates and Noire nodded as Blake picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Trust Issues)**

_Nearby Red Base, Simmons, crouching, sneaks out then sneaks back inside._

**Simmons:**  Okay, here's the plan. We run straight for Blue Base. Keep your heads up, and stay in formation. Lopez, you take the lead.

 **Lopez:**   _Why do I have to be in front?_

"Apparently, you're the most expendable Lopez." Weiss answered before sighing, "Well, at least they have a plan, even though it's probably useless."

"Hey, considering Blue Base might have some more firepower, it's their best bet. If not, least some parts to help repair a vehicle." Blake pointed out, "Hell, if they're lucky, they might be able to repair Shelia and fly out of Valhalla."

"Fuck, I almost forgot about Shelia." Yang cursed, "Man, it's been a long time since I heard from her."

"She's probably still alive in the Pelican, don't worry." Ruby said, "She just can't move. Or talk. Or else she would die."

" _Very comforting Ruby_." Noire said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Simmons:**  Exactly. I'll follow you, Lopez.

 **Donut:**  I'll handle your rears!

 **Simmons:**  Okay! Change of plans. I'll be last. Lopez, you still go out in front.

"Can I make a suggestion and say that Donut should be in front. At least he has a note-worthy combat ability." Blake suggested.

_The three exit from the base._

**Lopez:**   _Of course I'm in front._

"Lopez is the best soldier you have right now, at least keep him alive long enough to survive the Meta!" Ruby begged,

"I think that's the thing. Lopez is their best soldier, even if they don't know it." Weiss told her partner, "And now that I think about it, Lopez really is expendable. If he dies, they could always store Lopez's A.I into one of their helmets and build him a new body when they find Sarge." Weiss then paused, "At worst, he joins the Meta and helps it kill Simmons & Donut."

"You know, I think Lopez would consider that." Ruby admitted,

' _Thank you again FredFuchs86 for the joke_.' Noire thought.

 **Simmons:**  Donut, you be in the middle.

 **Donut:**  It'll be a Donut Sandwich! Mm-mm!

"God fucking dammit Donut!" Yang shouted, "The situation is already fucked up, don't make it worse with your comments!"

 **Simmons:**  Dammit, Donut! You can ruin anything!

"Amen to that." The RWBYs and Noire said in unison.

_They head a different direction and cut through the river, pausing once they reach the other side._

**Simmons:**  Do you see anything?

 **Lopez:**   _If I saw something, I would be shooting, dumbass._

 **Simmons:**  Well, keep your eyes open, then.

"Seriously, is it that hard to get a Spanish-to-English dictionary? Or at least a new speech unit for Lopez?" Ruby complained,

"Meh, they'd probably fuck it up somehow." Blake replied.

_The three head towards a tree-filled region._

**Lopez:** _Why do you guys always ask me questions if you never understand the answers?_

**Simmons:**  Geez, quiet, Lopez! God, we've been over this!

"You're the one who's yelling." Weiss muttered.

**Lopez:** _Goddamn it._

**Donut:**  Simmons! I'm scared~~!

 **Simmons:**  It's okay. We're all scared, Donut.

 **Lopez:**   _I'm not scared. I made back-ups of myself this morning._

" _Probably just in case when the Reds finally kill Lopez for whatever stupid reason_." Noire guessed.

_Cut to the temple at the desert with Tucker, Sarge, Grif, and Caboose. Caboose and Tucker take off while Sarge and Grif watch them run off._

**Caboose:**  Church, wait.

 **Sarge:**  I knew it. This was a trap!

"A trap? How the fuck is this a trap!?" Yang exclaimed,

"Well, let's look at this situation through Sarge's eyes." Ruby told her older sister, "They're trapped in an enclose space with their worst enemy and people trying to kill them right outside the door. In all sense, I consider it a trap."

"But, the Reds and Blues aren't enemies. They're just target practice to everyone else." Blake said as she shook her head, "Seriously, Wash said to their faces that they're cannon fodder and yet he still believes there's still a war. What the hell is wrong with him?"

" _A lot of things, Pussy. A lot of things_." Noire answered.

 **Grif:**  What's a trap?

 **Sarge:**  Don't you see, Grif? The Blues now have an advantage over us!

"Sarge! There are more important things to worry about than the stupid Red vs Blue war!" Weiss shouted, "Will you just LET IT GO!?" Suddenly, Weiss started hearing a piano playing and saw that Noire was playing the first few notes of 'Let It Go' on a keyboard, which she promptly threw out the window,

"Weiss calm down, it's just a stupid overrated song." Yang said, "Come on. Go build a snowman. That calms you down right? Do you wanna build a snowman~"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

' _Thank you again, FredFuchs86 for the joke_.' Noire thought.

 **Grif:**  What, you mean they have a decent leader?

 **Sarge:**  No! I mean, they have three people and we only have two! …Approximately.

"So… he's worried about a one-man advantage." Blake deadpanned, "He's worried about a total idiot, a pervert and a ball with a crappy memory killing them."

" _Well, the idiot was skilled enough to install Epsilon into an ancient artifact, the pervert is a skilled swordsman who can hold off an entire group of aliens and humans by himself and the ball with the crappy memory can potentially shoot lasers_." Noire listed off, " _You know, if the Blues ever wised up and got their shit together, they could kill the Reds without much effort_."

 **Grif:**  You honestly believe that the Blues orchestrated all of this to get a one-man advantage.

 **Sarge:**  Of course. They've been leading us along this entire time! It was all a diabolical scheme to get the drop on us! We just didn't see it until now, because it was so cunningly crafted.

"Crafted my ass." Ruby muttered, "…That sounded kinda wrong."

 **Grif:** We're talking about the same Blues here, right? There's not some, other group of Blues that I haven't heard of?

 **Sarge:**  Of course not!

 **Grif:**  Yeah. Then no, you're wrong. The new dude, he's a floating ball. I don't think he even counts as a person.

"Well, considering all the rules the Director broke I can safely assume that A.I count as people." Weiss said.

 **Sarge:**  Exactly. He's a wildcard. We don't even know what he's capable of!

 **Grif:**  He's a ball! He's capable of rolling. And maybe bouncing—

"It's made out of metal. I don't think it's capable of bouncing." Ruby pointed out.

_An explosion is heard. The walls rumble loudly._

**Sarge:**  Peter, Paul, and Ringo! What the heck was that!?

"Something definitely no good." Yang answered.

 **Grif:**  That did not sound good.

_The camera zooms out as Tucker and Caboose run back into the room._

**Tucker:**  Did you guys hear that?

"Who couldn't have heard that!? It's a fucking explosion!" Blake called out.

 **Grif:**  Heard what? Of course we heard that, idiot!

 **Tucker:**  Oh great, I think they broke down the door.

_Epsilon floats into the room._

**Epsilon:**  What!? Who would do that thing you said to the other thing?

" _Oh, for the love of God, someone fix his stupid memory already_." Noire said as she rubbed her head, " _I'm getting a headache from just hearing him talk_."

 **Grif:**  What's wrong with him?

 **Tucker:**  He disabled his memory or something dumb while trying to unlock this massive laser eye he's got. I don't know.

"Well, it's better than what would've happened if he succeeded and unlocked his long-term memories." Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  Laser?

 **Sarge:**   _(grumbles)_  See?

"Too bad he can't use it." Ruby muttered, "Preferably on you."

 **Epsilon:**  Who has a laser?

 **Caboose:**  You do!

 **Epsilon:**  I do?

"Yes, you do!" The RWBYs and Noire called out,

" _For the love of God, someone fix him already_!" Noire yelled in frustration while wincing at the migraine she was experiencing.

 **Tucker:**   _(irritated)_  Yes.

 **Epsilon:**  That's awesome, man, I feel… great about whatever it is that we're talking about.

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, shouldn't you be killing him or something?

_Beat. Then Caboose runs up to Epsilon and whacks him with his gun._

Team RWBY and Noire sweatdrop at the scene, "He did that rather quickly." Blake deadpanned,

"Is it some sort of reflex or something?" Yang asked, but didn't get an answer.

 **Epsilon:**  Ow! Hey, cut it out!

 **Caboose:**  Tucker did it.

 **Epsilon:**  No he didn't, jackass, you did.

 **Tucker:**  So you remember that.

 **Epsilon:**  Why wouldn't I remember that?

 **Tucker:**  You don't remember  _why_  you wouldn't remember? Then I guess you're fixed, fuck it.

" _Meh, close enough_." Noire said off-handily,

"Huh, For once Caboose's team-killing actually helped for once." Ruby said, "Well, not counting that *ahem*  _other_ time Caboose helped someone." The girls looked down sadly and sighed before they went back to watching,

' _Thank you RT fan for the reaction._ ' Noire thought, ' _You and FredFuchs86 made a lot of reactions for this chapter so thank you both for that._ '

 **Epsilon:**  You guys never make any goddamn sense.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah. That's our problem.

"Well, it is true I guess." Weiss muttered.

_The scene shifts to another area in the temple. C.T.'s voice is heard._

**C.T.:**  ( _offscreen_ ) Over here! Split up. You two, guard the entrance. Don't let them out.

"Shit, they really broke into the temple." Yang said, getting excited, "They better ready for a fight!"

_The scene cuts back to the group._

**Sarge:**  Uh, I think we have more pressing issues at the moment, fellas.

"Yeah, like the horde of aliens and Rouges that are about to fuck your shit up." Blake added.

 **Tucker:**  He's right.

 **Grif:**  I thought you said they couldn't bust through the door!

 **Tucker:**  When did you guys start listening to me?

"When you became more of a badass." Ruby answered before noticing the strange looks, "What? With Church a bowling ball and Caboose is a dumbass, Tucker's the only logical choice to be the leader until someone else fills in that position." The others thought about it before nodding, agreeing with T'Ambrose's logic.

 **Sarge:**  Everybody grab some cover!

_They charge into another room. Scene cuts to an alien walking into the room they had left. He looks around, waiting, and grunts. He moves forward and another alien arrives from behind. Grif and Tucker peer around the corners for a moment before retreating._

**Grif:**  Shit, there's two of them.

" _Nothing to worry about. These two are dead meat."_  Noire said, " _A quick burst from your Battle Rifles should take them out quickly. Of course, that means revealing to everyone where your position is but there's going to be a firefight either way so you may as well get it over with._ "

 **Sarge:**  Grif. Don't panic. You've been trained for this.

 **Grif:**  This? I've been trained for  _this?_

"Well, technically he did sign up to fight aliens." Ruby pointed out, "He  _would've_ been trained for this if Master Chief hadn't blown up the whole Covenant armada in the first place."

"Yeah, but he'd probably get kicked out for being too fucking lazy to do anything." Weiss also pointed out, "Or not bringing extra ammo. Or selling ammo to the enemy. Or for drinking on the job. Or sleeping on the job. Or consuming all rations for the team. Or abandoning his teammates. Or performing identity theft. Okay, seriously, why is he still in the army? I don't care if the war is fake, they should've fired him by now."

" _One of life's greatest mysteries, Princess_." Noire said, ' _Thank you FredFuchs86, once again, for the joke_.'

 **Grif:** Being stuck in an ancient temple, surrounded by mystic technology, while being hunted by aliens from another planet? This is what I've been trained for!?

 **Sarge:**  Okay, well maybe not this specifically, but elements of this! Which when combined and liberally interpreted, bear a close resemblance of this.

 **Grif:**  Not even close!

"You're trained to use a gun, aim it at the enemy and shoot. I think you're trained for this." Blake said.

 **Sarge:**  Ahh, just shut up and fight. Today is a good day for you to die! Yaaah!

_The two Reds charge into the hallway and begin firing their guns. One alien is shot down immediately as the other tosses a grenade. The Reds back away._

**Sarge:**  Whoa.

 **Grif:**  Look out!

"One down, a hell of a lot to go!" Yang called out.

_Tucker swaps his gun for his sword. He peers out again, crouching._

**Tucker:**  I just need them to get a little closer.  _(begins creeping out)_

 **Caboose:**  Hey… Church? Are you doing that…?

"Caboose, this isn't the time to get distracted." Blake said sternly, "It's time to 'help' that alien 'sleep'."

 **Epsilon:**  Doing what?

_A box is floating and rotating beside Epsilon. He turns to see it._

" _Well, that's definitely worth being distracted by_." Noire said as the girls' eyes widened.

 **Epsilon:**  Oh, cool! Am I?

_The box begins spinning the other direction, then switches back to the other again._

"Church, I think you are." Weiss said, amazed by Church's new ability.

 **Epsilon:**  Oh look, I am! It's awesome!

"Oh! Sweet! Telekinesis! I'm totally digging Church's new body." Ruby said,

"That stupid ball has a lot of tricks up its sleeve, huh?" Yang noted, "Er, in its data... or, something. It has a lot of hidden features, alright!"

' _Thank you, **again** , FredFuchs86 for the joke._' Noire thought as she rubbed her head.

 **Tucker:**   _(stands up and looks back at them)_  What the fuck? When did you get telekinesis?

 **Caboose:**  You have teleportesis!? Can you hear what I am thinking right now?

"Nothing." The RWBYs and Noire answered at the same time, "You are thinking about nothing in that little out-dated standard issue blue helmet of yours."

 **Epsilon:**  What? No!

 **Tucker:**  My guess would be, nothing.

 **Caboose:**  Oh my God, Tucker has it too!

"Well, if it's a disease, everyone has it." Ruby muttered as she rolled her eyes.

 **Epsilon:**   _(still fascinated by the box)_  Look at this! This is so kickass!

"Given how Weiss can move people out of the way of incoming danger by casting a glyph underneath them, does this count as another similarity between her and Church even though she isn't telekinetic like Miss Goodwitch?" Yang asked,

"I'm not sure." Blake replied, "And why hasn't Weiss said anything about this?" Suddenly, they heard a thud coming from the ceiling. They looked up and saw a chair surrounded by two of Weiss' glyphs hitting the ceiling again. Interestingly enough, the glyphs intersected with each other at 90 degree angles,

"Okay, now I got this!" Weiss said excitedly, "I just needed to create an X-axis and a Y-axis." She then proceeded to play with her new trick just like a certain metal ball, "Church is right, this is so kickass!" RBY and Noire proceeded to sweatdrop at Weiss' antics,

" _First the gambling pool, and now this_?  _Is anyone else afraid of this show giving her any more ideas_?" Noire asked as she stared at the floating chair,

"We're getting there." T'Ambrose answered, "If they start dedicating most of the plot around Church in the foreseeable future, then they may as well make him the main protagonist for a while. That could boost Weiss' ego as well as making her think it's okay to act a bit more like Church than she already does. Which is really scary considering the fact that back at Season 3 during his trip through time he starts killing everyone." The girls shivered at the thought,

"Plus she can become a ghost and can possess anyone of us." Blake reminded everyone,

"Can she use her Semblance while in her ghost form?" Yang asked, only for it to be answered when they saw Weiss in her ghost form controlling the chair above them,

"Hah! I can even do this outside my body!" Weiss said with glee as she got the chair to orbit around her. She then looked down at her teammates and Noire, released her hold on the chair and went back to her body, "Hey, what are you guys talking about?"

"NOTHING!" They all quickly shouted,

' _Thank you, **once again,** RT fan for the joke._' Noire thought, ' _Jesus Christ, how many fucking jokes do you guys have_?  _Yeash_!'

 **Epsilon:** I wonder what other powers I have.  _(The box drops.)_ Man, I could be, the most powerful being in the entire universe.  _(begins to float off again)_  I'm like a superhero!

"Superhero, huh?" Ruby whispered as the girls stared at Church drifting again, "More like a uh… super… zero… guy."

"Permission to speak freely?" Yang asked,

"Uh, permission granted?"

"That was fucking weak."

"I know."

 **Tucker:**  Where are you going?

 **Epsilon:**  Oops, uh, yeah, I seem to have lost control of my body again.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, some superhero. You fucking dick.

"Well, two episodes down, two episodes to go." Ruby said as she passed the remote to Weiss, "Anyone wanna say something about how it's going so far? Like how C.T and those Rouges broke into the temple and Church's new powers?"

" _Yeah, I do_." Noire answered, " _I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart, they all suck and should go into a hole and die_."

"Thank you Noire for that enlightening… thing about the previous episode." Weiss deadpanned, "And now to continue the events that are about to unfold." She gave the remote a quick flip before pressing play.

**(Hang Time)**

_In the temple at Sandtrap, with an alien firing a machine gun turret. Pans to Sarge and Grif, who are taking cover behind a corner and avoiding gunfire._

**Sarge:**  Grif, listen. We may not both make it out of this.

 **Grif:**  What?

"This isn't a time for some emotional speech about how you hate Grif or some shit! Just shoot the goddamn aliens!" Yang yelled out.

 **Sarge:**  If you die, I think I'm prepared to live with that. I practiced it a lot. But there's also a chance you might survive and I won't!

 **Grif:**   _(irritated)_  There'd be a better chance if you'd help me shoot!  _(starts to fire back at the alien)_

"Grif, if all else fails or in any situation that calls for it, use Sarge as a meat shield. We won't get mad." Ruby said.

 **Sarge:**  In case I don't make it, I can't help but think about all the future mistakes you're gonna make that I'm not gonna be there to scream at you about!

 **Grif:**   _(sarcastic)_ Oh, stop. I'm getting all teary-eyed.

 **Sarge:**  I just want to let you know that at my bunk back at the base, there's a recorder deck. I've prerecorded about 57 hours of rants that should be applicable in a variety of situations. Whenever you're feeling good about yourself, I want you to play one. And always remember! Somebody hates you.

"HELP HIM SHOOT, YOU STUPID DUMBASS!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted,

"Seriously, you have a Pistol! Use it you senile old man!" Blake loudly added.

_The alien ceases gunfire when Epsilon-Church floats above him into the room and looks down at him._

**Epsilon-Church:** Oh hey, alien. What's up?

_The alien immediately drops his gun and bows down._

"Huh? What's happening? Why isn't the alien trying to kill them anymore?" Yang asked,

"From what I can tell, it looks like he's worshiping Church." Weiss guessed,

" _This is **so**  ironic_." Noire muttered, " _Especially considering the last Church wasn't exactly a saint_."

"He was more of a sinner more than anything else." Ruby said.

 **Tucker:**  Cease fire!

_Grif stops shooting._

**Epsilon-Church:** Um, the alien's being weird in here.

 **Grif:**  What's it doing?

 **Tucker:**  No, no, I've seen this before. Some of the aliens worship this ancient technology. This one probably thinks Church is sort kind of god.

"So now they have someone to help them." Weiss realized, "Hell, if they show Church to the entire alien population in Sandtrap, they could probably make them turn on C.T and his Rouges and drive him out of the dig site!"

" _I_   _hope they choose the more… scenic route out of the desert_." Noire said with an evil smirk, " _I'm sure they could see their houses from where they're going._ "

 **Epsilon-Church:** Wow! Seriously? That's pretty fucking cool.

 **Caboose:**   _(gasps)_ Maybe that's why your name is Church!

"Did they plan to make Church a god just so they could make that joke?" Yang asked rhetorically.

 **Epsilon-Church:** Oh, what's up, prayin' dude? How do ya' like me now? BIP- _(smashes a box into the alien)_ -O!

"DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!" Ruby shouted as they jumped up from their seats,

"God must be one mean son-of-a-bitch to make Church a god. Even a fake one." Blake commented.

 **Tucker:**  W-T-Fuck! Why did you do that!? I think that's taking advantage of your deity status, dude!

 **Epsilon-Church:** Well, what good is being a god if you can't smite some people? Let's have fun…

"Amen, I would be firm but fairly cruel to my followers." Weiss said, causing the others to shift away from her as fast as they could, "It was just a joke!"

"Okay, I am  _definitely_ afraid of Weiss getting more ideas and thinking it's okay to act a bit more like Church." Blake muttered,

"Amen." The others said,

' _Thank you, **AGAIN** , RT fan for the joke._' Noire thought, ' _Seriously, where do you come up with all these_?'

 **C.T.:**  The shots came from down here!

" _React Watch Believe…_ " Noire whispered as quietly as possible.

 **Soldier:**  Yikes!

" _Wink_!" Noire said as she winked at your direction,

"Noire, why did you just say 'wink' while you winked?" Blake asked,

" _Oh, don't worry about it. It's nothing. Wink_!"

"Why did you do that again?"

" _I don't know what you're talking about_?  _I'm just doing what I do normally. Wink_!"

"Okay, seriously, stop doing that."

" _Okay, fine I'll stop. Wink_!"

"There! You did it again! Stop doing that!"

" _I'm not doing anything. Wink_!"

"Noire, for the love of God, if you do that again I will shock you until you're paralyzed permanently!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… _Wink_!"

***BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!***

"Uh, you think she'll be okay Ruby?" Yang asked as she watched her partner continuing to shock her 'twin',

"I'm sure she's fine." The red Leader answered,

*WHOOSH!*

"And… now she's on fire."

"She's fine." Ruby and Weiss said at the same time,

" _MY FUCKING CROTCH IS ON FIRE_!  _DO I LOOK FINE_!?" Noire shouted at the two,

"Yes."

"… _Well, I can't doubt that logic. Can someone put me out please_?  _I am currently in intense pain right now with the electricity and OH GOD THERE GOES MY PUBIC HAIR_!" Ruby sighed as she went to the bathroom to get a bucket of water. When she got out, Blake had stopped shocking Noire. She put out the fire and after some time to recover and get new clothes, they went back to watching,

' _I don't get paid enough for this_.' Noire thought as she groaned.

 **C.T.:** Form up, men!

 **Sarge:**  Whoa! Incoming!

 **Epsilon-Church:** _(floats back into the other room and flees)_  Good luck, guys!

"Coward." Blake muttered bitterly,

"You have to admit it's better this way. Church would only get in the way given the state he's in now." Weiss said.

_C.T. charges in with another soldier and Smith._

**C.T.:**  Freeze! Lower your weapons!

"Dammit, looks like they got them cornered." Yang said, "This isn't looking good for the Reds and Blues."

_Other soldiers and aliens are seen rushing in from a different entrance._

**C.T.**  (to Tucker) **:**  You… do you have any idea how much trouble you've caused me? I should kill you right here.

 **Epsilon-Church:**   _(reappears)_ Somebody's gettin' killed? I wanna watch.

"Oh! He runs away when danger comes but comes back to see someone killed." Ruby then scoffed, "Men."

" _I know, right_?" Noire said, ' _Let's just hope this doesn't get hated on._ ' She thought.

 **C.T.:**  You activated it…!?

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Activated what?

"Activated you." The RWBYs and Noire finished off.

 **C.T.:**  Secure the relic! Don't let it get away!

"Oh crap! The stupid metal ball must be the relic C.T is after! They can't let him give it to someone who might abuse what it can do!" Ruby exclaimed,

"Or use it as a bowling ball. Either way's bad." Yang added.

_The soldier behind C.T. pulls out a glowing pistol._

"Hey, isn't that thing like the medical scanner Doc has?" Blake asked, "What is he gonna do with it? Analyze Church to submission?"

 **Epsilon-Church:**  Oh, cool pistol! Green's my favorite color.

_The soldier fires at Epsilon-Church, who yells some gibberish and is then knocked down._

"OH SHIT!" Team RWBY and Noire yelled out,

"That's definitely  _not_ a medical scanner!" Ruby exclaimed,

"So much for being a god." Weiss muttered,

"Fuck! He should've stayed out of sight!" Blake said,

" _Well, isn't that just dandy huh_?" Noire said sarcastically,

"You'd think Church's favourite colour would be Cobalt or something." Yang mumbled to herself.

 **Caboose:**  Church!

 **C.T.:**  Yes!

 **Smith:**  Blrrgh!

"Fuck you!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted as they flipped them off.

 **C.T.:**  Great shot, Jones.

 **Jones:**  Thanks! But it's actually pronounced Jo-n-es, sir.

Weiss couldn't help but face palm, "Why couldn't this fictional universe put him and Jones with people who would get their names fucking right?" Weiss asked as she shook her head, her hand still in her face,

" _Because they couldn't do this call back joke_?" Noire answered, ' _Thank you, **ONCE**_   ** _AGAIN_** ,  _RT fan for the joke_!' The perverted cat girl thought.

_Smith slugs Jones and he falls over. Smith continues to beat on him._

"Heh, I guess Smith didn't like Jo-n-es for knocking out their god." Weiss said smugly, "And with that, the aliens are on the Reds & Blues' side now."

 **Jones:**  What the…?

 **C.T.:**  Smith!? What are you doing!?

_The other aliens look at one another before firing at C.T.'s other soldiers._

"Those aliens are rather religious to turn on their friends huh?" Blake noted, "But right now, it's a good thing. Now the Reds and Blues have the support of the aliens and they're not gonna let C.T get away with what he's done, especially to their god."

 **Sarge:**  What's happening!?

 **Tucker:**  Dude, the aliens don't like their human buddies beating up on their religious artifacts.

"You know, I'm guessing C.T would've turned on the aliens once he had the artifact." Yang muttered before smirking, "Welcome to the Karma Café C.T, where there's no menu. You only get what you're served."

"… _That's kinda lame, but cool at the same time._ " Noire admitted.

_There is an explosion. A soldier falls to the ground completely covered in needles. C.T. begins to flee._

"Shit, he's getting away!" Ruby exclaimed, "Hurry up and go after him!"

 **C.T.:**  Get out of the way!

 **Tucker:**  Let's go!

 **Caboose:**  Wait! We need to grab Church!

 **Grif:**  That guy in brown armor grabbed him!

"Who cares!? They need to get Church before C.T escapes or else the universe is fucked!" Yang said frantically.

 **C.T.:**   _(running out of the temple)_  Cover me until I'm clear!

_A soldier on a turret is tracing C.T. C.T. tosses Epsilon-Church into his jeep. Other soldiers on the Elephant mount their own Mongooses. C.T. drives off. Smith exits the temple and walks around in search for C.T._

"Shit, they're not gonna catch up with him on foot." Blake cursed, "I hope they fixed the jeep before they got trapped in the temple."

"Well, C.T isn't going anywhere unless he wants to risk crossing the minefield so they have a bit of time." Weiss pointed out,

" _But it's only a matter of time before C.T says 'fuck it' and tries to._ " Noire spoke up, " _If he makes it for some miraculous reason, there's no way they can stop him. If he doesn't, bye-bye Epsilon_."

 **Smith:**  Roarr!

_The troops on the Mongoose also drive off. Caboose and Grif charge out of the temple followed by Sarge._

**Grif:**  There he goes! Everybody, get in the jeep!

"The Chupathingy doesn't look like it'll run for long so they better hurry and make it count." Ruby said,

"Plus, they have to make every shot count or else they'll be sitting duck." Weiss reminded her, as well as everyone else.

 **Sarge:**  We gotta get that thing turned over!

 **Caboose:**  I'll do it!  _(flips it with ease)_

"Yep, this is definitely God's way of compensating for Caboose's intelligence." Blake muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Wow, you are strong.

_Sarge takes the shotgun position and Caboose takes the gun._

**Grif:**  Is this thing gonna even start?  _(takes the driver's seat)_

'It better.' Yang thought as everyone crossed their fingers and held their breath.

 **Sarge:**  Hopefully. Come on, Chupababy!

_Grif starts the engine and drives off as Tucker is seen running around the temple._

The girls let out their breath and sighed in relief, " _Now it's time to stop C.T from escaping._ " Noire said,

"Hey, where's Tucker going?" Weiss asked.

 **Caboose:**  Tucker, where are you going?

 **Tucker:**  There's no room for me! I'll be right back!

"He better have something awesome." Yang mumbled as she crossed her arms.

_Cuts to Valhalla. Simmons, Lopez, and Donut are charging out from behind a clump of boulders towards Blue Base._

**Simmons:**  Okay, look for anything that looks like a vehicle. It may have wheels… and/or seats.

"We all know what a vehicle looks like, dumbass!" The RWBYs and Noire called out.

 **Lopez:**   _We know what a vehicle looks like!_

 **Simmons:**  Stay calm. Don't panic.

 **Lopez:**   _You're the one who's panicking!_

 **Donut:**  Lopez is right, maybe we should panic.

"Are they literally doing the opposite of whatever Lopez says?" Ruby deadpanned as they all face palmed.

 **Simmons:**  I'll try back here. It has to be— _(crashes into a cloaked vehicle)_  Oh!  _(falls back)_  …somewhere…

" _Uh, I think they found it_." Noire muttered.

_The Warthog materializes._

**Donut:**  What the heck was that!? What? Invisible car? That's too cool.

 **Simmons:**  The Meta must've cloaked it…  _(stands)_  Ugh…

"This should be a good time for Lopez to say 'I told you so'." Weiss said.

 **Lopez:**   _Told you so._

 **Simmons:**  I've never seen anything like this before either, Lopez.

"Seriously. It shouldn't cost that much to get a dictionary. They could literally solve the problem with communication with a 6 Lien book." Blake said as she sighed.

 **Lopez:**   _Fuck you!_

 **Simmons:**  Okay, everybody, hop in. Let's get the fuck out of here.

"I don't think so." Yang said, causing everyone's eyebrows to raise, "It's obvious the Meta won't let them escape so easily so it must've sabotaged the car in some way, maybe ripping out the starter or messing with the drive shaft."

"Huh, I never thought your fetish for cars will be worth something Yang." Weiss admitted, with everyone agreeing,

"It's not a fetish! It's healthy obsession!"

'Yeah, keep telling yourself that.' RWB & Noire thought as they rolled their eyes.

_Cuts back to Sandtrap and the team chasing after C.T._

**Sarge:**  There he goes!

 **Grif:**  Uh yeah, I see him.

 **Sarge:**  Well, see him faster!

"I think he meant drive faster." Ruby corrected, "But fuck, from the state of the Chupathingy and what its weapon can do, they're not gonna catch up to C.T anytime soon."

 **Caboose:**  Look out for the guys behind us!

_The soldiers in the Mongoose chasing Sarge, Grif, and Caboose launch a rocket._

**Grif:**  How can I look out for guys that are behind us!?

"Have someone else do it!" Blake called out.

_The rocket flies passed C.T. C.T. swerves._

**C.T.:**  Don't shoot at me! Shoot at them!

_The three change directions. C.T. is now in front with his troops in the Mongoose trailing behind him. Sarge, Grif, and Caboose are in the back. The soldiers launch another rocket at the team but miss, twice. When they drive over a hill, the Mongoose tips and rolls over, falling behind. Aliens in a Prowler chase after them. C.T. takes a different route than Grif but is still in sight._

"Man, they suck at vehicle-to-vehicle combat." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Caboose! Charge that cannon!

 **Caboose:**  Okay! It's running!

 **Sarge:**  Fire!

"No, don't!" The girls exclaimed,

" _You're gonna let him get away if you miss_!" Noire added.

_They fire at C.T., but then their Warthog afterwards is disabled. C.T. gets away._

"Damn it." Yang cursed, "They're sitting ducks until the engine restarts."

 **Sarge:**  Hey!

 **Grif:**  The engine died!

_The aliens pass by, still chasing after C.T._

**Caboose:**  Look! Aliens! Well, they must be here to help!

" _Well, more like save the ancient alien artifact but hey, you have to take what you can get_." Noire said.

 **Sarge:**  They're going after C.T.! Grif, get the engine started!

_A rocket whirs by them._

**Grif:**  Uh… Sarge?

"And here comes the fatal flaw of the Chupathingy." Weiss announced as everyone face palmed, "They're gonna get themselves killed one day. And that day is soon."

 **Sarge:**  Uh oh!

_They turn to their right; the soldiers on the Mongoose are in sight. Tucker screams from a distance, catching the soldiers' attention._

**Tucker:** HEY ASSHOLES!  _(flies overhead on a Chopper)_  YAAAAAAHHHH-

"He's gonna crash into that ATV!" Ruby exclaimed,

"Wait for it…" Weiss said.

 **Tucker:**  -AHAHHHAHAHHH! _(overshoots and crashes into a cave-like entrance)_  …Fuck.

"There we go." Weiss groaned,

"Well that was anti-climatic." Yang spoke up,

"So close, yet so far." Blake muttered,

' _For the millionth time, thank you FredFuchs86 for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

 **Caboose:**  Cannon's charged.

 **Sarge:**  Okay then, fuck it, shoot 'em.

_Caboose fires at the soldiers._

"Again, anti-climatic." Yang said, "But I'd just like to say FINALLY! THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL A MOTORCYCLE! At least as close as you can get in RvB."

"Yang, it's not really a motorcycle." Weiss informed her teammate, "It's more of a Chopper more than anything else."

"But still! Finally they have something that resembles a motorcycle. I was so ticked off when they kept calling the ATVs motorcycles but now they actually have one!"

"Well, this is the last episode for the season. Any comments?" T'Ambrose asked,

"Let's start this shit!" Everyone else called out,

"Okay. It's almost over! The time for action is now! Church is in trouble and so are the Reds in Valhalla! Only a miracle can save them now! So let's see what will happen in the final episode of Red vs Blue: Recreation!" Ruby declared as she aimed the remote at the TV and pressed play.

**(Think You Know Someone)**

_Tucker is screaming, flying through the desert on his vehicle until he crashes._

**Tucker:**  Fuck.

"And once again, anti-climatic." The RWBYs and Noire said in unison,

"On the bright side, it distracted those guys on the ATV long enough for the cannon to charge." Ruby pointed out, "Plus, it's probably every woman's experience with Tucker."

"BURN!" Yang shouted out.

_Pans out to Caboose and Sarge._

**Caboose:** Cannons charged.

 **Sarge:**  Okay, fuck it, shoot 'em

_Caboose blows up the Mongoose._

"Thank god Caboose is a better shot than Church." Weiss said, "Although, does that count as a good thing or a bad thing?"

"A bad thing for Church, a good thing for everyone else." Blake answered.

_Tucker casually rolls out of the cave._

**Tucker:**  Uh, hey guys. Sorry about that.

"It's nothing, as long as you let me drive it." Yang said,

" _You do know it doesn't exist, right_?" Noire pointed out in a flat tone,

"LET ME DREAM, DAMN IT!"

 **Caboose:**  Tucker, where did you get that?

 **Tucker:**  Oh, this is my ride! The aliens gave it to me as a gift. Pretty fuckin' cool.

"Yeah, I have to admit it is pretty fucking cool." Blake admitted, "Too bad he probably doesn't know how to drive it."

 **Grif:**  Did they give you driving lessons too?

 **Tucker:**  No, we kinda skipped that part. But it looks awesome.

"Yeah, it does, and at least you know how to at least drive it." Yang spoke up, "Albeit, poorly but still."

_The scene now moves to C.T. as he's pursued by some of the aliens. He collides with one of them._

"Alright, no time for dilly-dallying! You have an asshole to catch!" Weiss exclaimed.

 **C.T.:**  Ahh! Move, you piece of shit!

_The alien crashes into a pillar, losing C.T. He goes to look for him. After a short while, C.T. honks his horn and rams into the alien's vehicle, destroying it._

"Fuck!" Ruby cursed, "There goes their support."

" _And that means one less car to keep C.T under pressure_." Noire added.

 **Caboose:**  There he is.

 **Tucker:**  You guys follow him. I'll cut him off.

"Yeah. Tucker's Chopper is in better shape than the Chupathingy and it should go faster than C.T's jeep." Blake analyzed.

 **Caboose:**  We can't lose Church.

 **Tucker:**  We won't!

 **Caboose:**  You always say that but we always do!

"Yeah, your team-killing ensures that." Yang said,

' _A very small one but thank you again RT fan for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

_They all split off. Scene cuts to Simmons._

**Simmons:**  God dammit, it won't start.

 **Lopez:**   _He probably took out the starter. That's what I would do._

 **Simmons:**  Hmm, it looks like he took out the starter.

"Looks like I was right." Yang spoke up, "It isn't that much of a problem, but they're gonna waste a bit of time getting the car to start. We also have to take into fact that the Meta might've drained all the fuel from the car just in case. The Meta may be insane, but it's still a genius underneath it all."

 **Lopez:**   _Really. Well, no shit._

 **Donut:**  What do we do?

 **Lopez:**   _Stay in there! We'll push the car. You pop the clutch!_

"I'm guessing Donut & Lopez should be strong enough to get the jeep going before the Meta finds them." Blake muttered, "C'mon, you're so close to escaping."

 **Donut:**  It's no good. ( _sniffling_ ) We can't do anything!

 **Lopez:**   _Seriously. We only need to push it about ten meters!_

 **Donut:**  All hope is lost.

"They're gonna die." Ruby deadpanned.

_The Meta is seen approaching from a distance._

"Okay,  _now_ they're definitely gonna die!" Weiss exclaimed,

" _Who knew their inability to communicate with Lopez would kill them_." Noire said.

 **Simmons:**  Oh no, the Meta!

 **Lopez:**   _Oh, mierda._

 **Donut:**  What are we gonna do without any ammo? We're trapped.

"All they can do is either run away and try to make it to Blue Base, or die fighting." Ruby told her teammates, "Either way, they're screwed."

 **Simmons:**  Ha. This thing always has ammo.

 **Lopez:**   _You won't be strong enough to turn it without power._

_Simmons shoots momentarily at the Meta, but it soon ceases fire._

"So, I'm guessing ripping out the turret and using it as a mini-gun isn't an option." Yang said as she tensed, "Shit, they're not gonna make it."

 **Simmons:**  Oh, fuck.

 **Lopez:**   _(sarcastic)_   _Maybe_   _you could convince him to stand in front of it._

" _This isn't the time to be sarcastic, Lopez_!" Noire shouted, " _Your only hope is run away_!"

"Wait, Lopez has back-ups of himself. He doesn't need to worry about dying. Maybe he can hold off the Meta long enough to get Simmons and Donut out of there!" Weiss realized, "But then again, I don't he'll do that but there's still a chance he will."

 **Simmons:**  ( _hops out of the jeep_ ) What?

 **Donut:**  He said maybe you could convince the Meta to stand in front of it.

 **Simmons:**  That's a stupid plan, Lopez. Try to actually help.

"OH COME ON!" The RWBYs and Noire yelled out,

"They are so retarded." Weiss muttered as she face palmed.

 **Lopez:**   _Come on. Really? THAT was the only thing you understood?_

 **Donut:**  I agree Lopez. Pencils are great.

"Welp, they're doomed." Yang said in a flat tone, with everyone else nodding their heads.

_Cuts to Sarge, Caboose, and Grif chasing after CT._

**Sarge:**  Caboose, what are you doing back there? Shoot 'em!

 **Caboose:**  Okay!

"No! Not okay! Don't listen to Sarge!" Blake said frantically.

 **Grif:**  No, don't shoot 'em, you'll stall the jeep!

 **Caboose:**  Okay!

 **Sarge:**  Grif, you drive, don't give Caboose directions.

" _Shut_   _the hell up Sarge_!  _You already fucked up the Chupathingy with its weapon, don't fuck up the plan_!" Noire yelled.

 **Caboose:**  Okay!

 **Sarge:**  Caboose, don't respond to Grif!

 **Caboose:**  Okay!

 **Tucker:**  Only got one shot at this.

_Tucker leaps out of the Chopper and stands in C.T.'s path._

"Okay, what is Tucker doing? He's gonna get run over!" Ruby exclaimed.

_The Warthog fires and comes to a stop._

**Grif:**  Jeep stalled.

 **Sarge:**  Like user error!

"For the love of God, stop blaming the user and blame the craftsman!" Blake said in frustration.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, that's what it is.

 **Tucker:**  Gotta time this-now!

_Tucker slashes at C.T.'s jeep. It halts and explodes behind him, making Tucker look like a badass._

"Holy shit!" (Ruby)

"Holy shit!" (Weiss)

"Holy shit!" (Blake)

"Holy shit!" (Yang)

" _Motherfucker_!" (Noire)

"…That was so motherfucking awesome." Ruby said after a few seconds of silence to process what had just happened,

"Yeah, and since C.T's jeep is destroyed there's no way he's gonna make it out of Sandtrap alive if he survived that!" Weiss added,

"Yep, looks like C.T isn't gonna make it without-" Yang started before they realized something,

"Fuck! Church!" They all exclaimed.

_C.T. flies to the side, but then rises and runs off._

"Fuck, he's still alive." Blake growled, "Don't let that bastard get away!"

 **Grif:**  Whoa! Tucker, look, he's still alive!

 **Tucker:**  I'll get C.T., you guys find Church.

" _Let's just hope he isn't damaged_." Noire whispered to herself.

_Caboose gets off the Warthog turret and runs towards C.T.'s destroyed jeep._

**Caboose:**  Okay! Church! Where are you?

"Damn it, he must've gotten flung away from the explosion. Let's just hope he rebooted just in time to not land in the minefield." Yang muttered.

_Cut to Tucker running alone atop the temple._

**Tucker:**  Where the hell did he go?

 **C.T.:**  Freeze!

"Shit." The RWBYs and Noire said at the same time.

 **Tucker:**  Damn it!

 **C.T.:**  Tucker, I should've killed you the second I laid eyes on you. I would've been long gone if you hadn't interfered.

"You killed innocent people! You were gonna kill the Reds and Caboose under pure paranoia! You were gonna sell an ancient alien artifact to the highest bidder! You were gonna betray the aliens no matter what happened! And you may as well have caused an intergalactic incident from all of that!" Ruby shouted, "I don't give a fuck who you are or why you're here! You! Will! Die!"

 **Tucker:**  ( _backs up until he is at the edge of the temple_ ) Okay dude, I guess you got me.

"It isn't that far of a drop." Weiss muttered, "Just tuck and roll when you're about to hit the bottom."

 **Tucker:** I've got nowhere to go. Just tell me one thing though, who are you really? And who sent you here?

"Classic way of stalling a villain." Blake said, "But I don't think that'll work."

 **CT:**  Sorry. You'll never know.

" _This is it_." Noire whispered as everyone braced themselves.

_Church rises from behind Tucker._

**Church:**  Hey, what's up?

"Church!" The team and Noire exclaimed, happy that the A.I undamaged.

 **C.T.:**  What in the hell is that thing?

_Church's eye glows red._

"Oh… that can't be good." Blake stated.

 **C.T.:**  Oh, son of a... ( _shot by Church's laser and lays on the ground, dead_ )

"Whoa!" The girls shouted out,

"Well,  _that_ was a thing." Yang said.

 **Church:**  I am not a thing!

"Okay! Sorry! I was commenting on how you killed him and not you specifically!" Yang quickly apologized, "…Wait, why am I apologizing? That was awesome! Way to deal some karma Church!"

 **Church:** My name is Leonard Church... and you will fear! My! LASER FACE!

"Ugh, I can't believe he just said that." Weiss muttered as she rubbed her forehead,

" _I don't know about you but I definitely fear his laser face._ " Noire admitted, ' _Finally, someone different. Thank you classicalass for the joke and, god damn it, RT fan for the edit_."

 **Tucker:**  Hoohoo, hell yeah! Dude, you just got fucked up!

 **Caboose:**  Wow! Now that was awesome.

 **Grif:**  Yeah, awesome.

Ruby then gasped, "You know, I just realized this, Church didn't miss! So he's a better shot than the original Church!"

"Ruby, everyone's a better shot than Alpha-Church." Blake informed her Leader, "But still, nice going. This is so ironic, considering the fact that C.T spent so much effort trying to find this alien artifact and in the end that same one killed him."

 **Tucker:**  Church, how did you do that?

 **Church:**  I don't really know. I just got really mad and it just kind of, y'know, happened.

"It looks like some Church's abilities in that body is based on what emotion he's feeling." Weiss analyzed, "I guess he unconsciously channeled a bit of Omega to help with that laser."

"And considering how easily they can piss off the last Church, his laser can definitely be useful." Yang added, "Yep, you're gonna fit in just fine Epsilon."

 **Tucker:**  Can you do that again, like to the yellow guy or something?

 **Church:**  I guess... not really sure.

 **Sarge:**  I got a bad feeling about this.

 **Grif:**  For once Sarge, you and I agree.

" _Yeah… this might be bad for the Reds but at least they have a mini Death Star now_." Noire muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Look guys, we need to keep our head in the game. Let's get back into that temple and close it down for good.

 **Caboose:**  Um guys...I think we might have a problem.

_Aliens are surrounding the area below them._

"Oh… right, the aliens. Kinda forgot about them." Ruby said, "This might get a little complicated."

 **Church:**  Uh-oh.

_Back at Valhalla, Agent Washington approaches behind the Meta._

"Hey, wait… isn't that…" Weiss started before everyone gasped,

"Holy shit, Wash!" They exclaimed,

"Oh, thank God he's here." Yang said as she sighed in relief,

"He must be here to look for Epsilon or help the Reds." Blake realized, "No wonder he needed all that equipment. He knew had to fight the Meta again."

 **Simmons:**  Agent Washington. It's Agent Washington.

 **Donut:**  Who?

"Don't worry Donut. All you need to know is that he's someone you trust." Ruby said.

 **Wash:**  Stop right there!

 **Simmons:**  Yes, we're saved.

 **Wash:**  Stand down. I'll take it from here.

"Wait, WHAT!?" The girls exclaimed as they jumped out of their seats.

 **Meta:**  ( _noises_ )

 **Wash:**  I said back off.

"Wash? And the Meta?  _Working together_!? What the hell is going on!?" Weiss shouted.

 **Simmons:**  Wha- what's happening?

 **Wash:**  Where is it?

 **Simmons:**  Where's what? Why aren't you two fighting?

"It hunted you down. It was going to kill you! Why aren't you doing something about it!?" Ruby yelled out.

 **Wash:**  The Epsilon unit, I know you have it. Give it to me.

 **Lopez:**   _I thought this guy was your friend?_

"I-I don't think he is anymore." Weiss said, her voice so low no one could hear it.

 **Simmons:**  Wait wait wait, you're working with... the Meta?

 **Wash:**  Don't make me repeat myself.

"You traitor." Blake growled quietly as she clenched her fists, "YOU STUPID FUCKING TRAITOR!"

"After all that time with the Reds and Blues, after they risked their lives to help him even if not by choice, he goes and turns against them!" Yang shouted out, her hair now glowing intensely, "That's so **fucking** wonderful!"

' _FredFuchs86. Thank you_.' Noire thought as she glared at the screen in front of her, her eyes flashing blood red and the white of her eyes flickering black.

 **Lopez:**   _Would someone explain what's going on?_

_Wash shoots Lopez in the head. Lopez collapses._

"LOPEZ! NO!" The RWBYNs exclaimed.

 **Donut:**  Oh my God! He just shot Lopez!

_Wash turns to Donut shoots him. The Warthog's window breaks._

Suddenly, everything just went quiet. There was no sound. The room temperature had dropped significantly. Everyone felt like they couldn't breathe, "D-D-Donut?" Ruby whispered out so quietly, it was physically impossible to hear, even if they gave her a microphone and a speaker no one would hear it.

 **Simmons:**  Donut?

 **Donut:**  Hey... Simmons? I think he shot me too... ( _falls to the ground, presumably dead_ )

"D-Donut?" Ruby said, a little louder, as everyone's bodies starting shaking,

"N-No. No. No no no no no no no. Please God no." Weiss tried to say something, but was totally in shock from what had just happened,

"Th-This has to be a joke." Blake whispered to herself, "Th-They can't. Th-Th-T-They can't j-just kill him."

"Wake up." Yang simply said before looking up at the screen with red eyes and tears running down her face, "WAKE UP! DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME! YOU CAN'T JUST GO OUT LIKE THAT! YOU JUST CAN'T! DON'T DIE! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, JUST WAKE UP! WAKE UP!  **WAKE UP! FUCKING HELL, WAKE UP!** " Suddenly, she just stopped and looked down on the ground as her fire died, "Pl-Please, just wake up." She then felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked and saw it was Noire's,

" _Yang. I don't think he's waking up_." She said. Yang then broke down and started crying. Noire quickly pulled her into a hug and tried to comfort, even though she was crying as well. That's when everyone started crying. They knew they shouldn't cry. They tried to.

But they couldn't.

They didn't care that it was just a show. They didn't care that they would never meet him and vise versa. They didn't care that what had happen was fake.

All they cared about was mourning their fallen friend.

"W-We have *sniffle* to keep going." Ruby said as she sat down and wiped away her tears,

"I-I do-don't th-think we can." Weiss sobbed out,

"WE HAVE TO!" Ruby shouted out, causing the others to stop what they were doing, "W-We just have to." She said, a lot quieter this time. The whole room was silent again as the girls thought about what they should do next,

"Al-Alright." Blake said as she sat down, "We need to get through this. Yang?"

"Fine." Yang said emotionlessly as she sat down as well, "We need to do this. Noire?"

" _Okay._ " Noire said as she sat down as well, " _We're never gonna make it to Season 10 at this rate_."

"Weiss?" Ruby asked as everyone looked at the Heiress, who had turned her back on them, "We have to finish this, you know this."

"I-I know but..." Weiss then turned around and showed everyone her intense, icy blue eyes. They were glowing slightly, "I can't wait to see Agent Washington die."

"Get in line." Ruby replied with a small smile as Weiss returned to the couch, "We'll keep going. For Donut."

"For Donut." Everyone else said as Ruby continued the episode.

 **Simmons:**  DONUT, NOOOO! Donut, Donut, are you okay? Come on, breathe, Donut! Breathe! Why did you do that?! What's wrong with you?!

"That's what we're thinking." Blake muttered.

_Simmons is still screaming in the background as the Chairman is speaking._

**Simmons** _: No, Donut! Come on, stay with me! Stay with me, Donut! Don't just stand there!_

"Even if he still has his Healing Unit, the bastard isn't going to help." Yang growled.

_The camera pans closer to Wash._

**Chairman:**  Now, Agent Washington. I just have one more question for you. Agent Washington? Agent Washington, are you listening to me?

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Chairman." Ruby said, "Seriously, just fucking shut up!"

_Cut to flashback._

**Wash:**  Mm? Yes, I'm listening.

 **Chairman:**  Agent Washington, when you find these Blue soldiers that you're talking about, what makes you think that they are just going to give you the Epsilon unit when you ask them for it?

 **Wash:**  Heheh, for as long as I can remember, I've been lied to, taken advantage of, shot in the back, and left for dead.

"But all of that was caused by Freelancers. You've been lied to by the Director, taken advantage of, shot in the back and left for dead by South. The Reds and Blues won't betray you." Weiss explained, "…No matter how weird that sentence sounds. Anyway, Caboose would've happily given you Epsilon if you asked for it."

" _Actually, I can see it now_." Noire said as she imagined the scene. Cue wavy dream effect!

(Recreation)

_Fade into Valhalla and slowly zoom into Blue Base. Cut to Wash running up to Caboose with the Epsilon unit on the ground next to him with the Meta behind him._

**Meta:** ( _growls as it aims at Caboose_ )

 **Wash:** ( _aims gun at Caboose as well_ ) Okay. Let me make this clear Caboose, give me Epsilon or el-

 **Caboose:** Okay. ( _gives Wash the Epsilon unit_ ) Now if you excuse me, I need to get something from Shelia. ( _runs off_ ) And I'm not gonna tell you what it's for!

_Silence_

**Wash:** …Well, that was… easy. Huh, I'd thought my luck, this thing would be a lot harder you know. Use a few bullets, kill one or two of them maybe. …There has to be a catch to this. There just has to be. Meta, d-do you think there's a catch to this?

 **Meta:** ( _growls_ )

 **Wash:** Yeah… I thought so too. I guess… we should, we should go. Mission accomplished.

 **Meta:** ( _growls_ )

_Both of them start walking out of Blue Base_

**Wash:** This has to be the quickest mission ever. Of all time.

_The Meta then whacks Wash with his Bruteshot and takes the Epsilon unit_

(Recreation over!)

" _No wonder they called this season 'Recreation_ '." Noire muttered to herself.

 **Wash:** And now, I have a way out of all of this. What. In. The. Hell. Makes you think that I'm going to ask for it?

_Red vs Blue  
Recreation_

"And… that's it!" Yang declared as everyone gave a sigh of relief. The season was finally over and now the girls could relax for a bit,

"Damn, looks like Alpha-Church was right to question Agent Washington's sanity." Weiss spoke up, "Going to jail for doing the right thing seems to have been the final straw, and now he's crazy enough to do anything he needs to do to walk away a free man. Hey, what do you guys think about this?" Weiss then looked up and saw that everyone was in the left corner of the room whispering to each other,

"Are you absolutely sure we don't have to worry about her becoming similar to Agent Washington now?" Yang asked, "I mean she's starting to go crazy and remember what she did to Noire?" The others looked at the perverted cat girl, only to see that she had started chugging down a bottle of beer. Yang quickly slapped it away and out the window,

" _Hey, that wasn't cheap you know_!" Noire said as she crossed her arms and puffed out her cheeks, " _That was five, ten imagination points_."

"Agent Washington is like that for being shot in the back and going to jail for doing the right thing. Weiss is rich enough to get good lawyers to ensure she isn't falsely convicted." T'Ambrose reminded everyone, "So long as we never do anything that feels like a betrayal to her we're fine."

"Hey! What are you doing over there!?" Weiss called out. They jumped at her voice and quickly tried to think up an excuse,

"We, uh, ahh… we found the chart you threw away that showed which character we resembled the most." Blake quickly said, mentally banging her head against a wall because Weiss had most likely destroyed it in the process. Anyway, this caused Weiss' eyebrow to raise,

"You did? I thought I destroyed that thing." Weiss replied, distinctly remembering sending down lightning bolts on it as soon as the season was over,

" _It was, uh, reconstructed from what was left. See for yourself._ " To everyone's surprised, out of nowhere Noire pulled the newly repaired chart, crudely held together by various types of tape but can still see the unicorns Ninja Ruby had drawn on it, ' _Lazy bastard_.' She thought as she gave it to Weiss,

"Huh, well would you look at that." Weiss mumbled at she looked at the chart, "Hey, you even updated it as well? Well, it's no surprise you're practically the girl version of Tucker." Noire shrugged at that,

" _You know, I actually like that to be honest. Deep, deep, **deep** down inside, the Reds & Blues are awesome characters. You should like who you're similar to, unless it's Sister._"

"Hey!" Yang yelled out as everyone else laughed. After they stopped laughing at Yang's expense, Weiss looked at the chart again,

"I don't know what to feel about the fact that I'm not winning anymore." Weiss muttered as she rubbed the back of her neck,

"Well, you certainly were surprised when Caboose and Tucker knew about things you thought they wouldn't." Yang reminded the Heiress,

"Yeah, it says here while I was a little like Agent Washington during Season 6, I was always at least twice as similar to Church, often three times, and that I, in no way, similar to how Agent Washington is right now." RBY just looked at each other before smiling and nodding,

"You certainly aren't." Blake said, "You want to bring honour back into your family after your father sullied is. Agent Washington just wants to run away from it all and pretend it never happened while you want to one day help change things for the better. The world we live in now may be based on lies, deceit and blood, but we as Huntresses want to change that. This is why we fight, for a better future, a better tomorrow for the next generation. Sure, we'll eventually be forgotten, many people in history have, but that's the price we have to pay for a brighter future."

"Yeah, but we won't be forgotten." Ruby spoke up, "We all have friends and family that love us and will treasure our memory when we pass away. We'll pass our knowledge to our children and to our children's children even if they don't wanna follow our path. And hopefully, they don't. Being a Huntress may be great but I wanna future where there's no more Grimm, no more darkness in the world. Everything that stained our history completely gone. A world that doesn't need heroes. A lot of people might laugh at me for saying that, but I don't care. My friends believe in me and that's the only thing that matters, right?"

"Yeah." Weiss whispered to herself before saying it a bit louder, "Yeah, that's all that matters. I have my friends by my side and a lot of dreams I wanna accomplish, and I'm not gonna die until every dream I have is fulfilled. Thanks guys."

"Meh, don't worry about Princess. We're always here for you, you know that?" Yang said,

"I know. Don't worry guys, I will never be like Agent Washington. I won't run away from my past, I'll use it as my drive. My present may not be looking bright but like hell it's gonna make it to the future." Weiss said with a smirk,

' _Thank you, for the final time, RT fan for the review._ ' Noire thought, " _Okay, enough of the mushy stuff, let's get down to business. How are we gonna fry Ruby's brain this time_?" Suddenly, Weiss gasped,

"I got an idea!"

"This won't involve my life being in danger, right?" Ruby asked. Weiss only gave her a smirk.

(3 hours later…)

"Done!" Weiss declared as she dumped her comatose Leader onto one of the infirmary beds,

"Took you long enough." Yang said as she started hooking up all the necessary medical equipment, "How did you do it?"

"Blood, sweat and the power of mind-numbing video games." Weiss simply answered as she prepared Ruby's hospital gown, "I made her play Ride to Hell: Retribution non-stop and bam! Went out like a candle." Yang looked visibly sick at the mention of that game, "Don't worry, I think she's deleting those memories right about now."

"Good. I really don't want her to end up like Noire." Yang said before Noire stepped into the infirmary,

" _Hey, Blake's done cooking. We're having ramen tonight_." Noire announced,

"I love ramen." Yang said as she licked her lips before she and Weiss made sure everything was fine before they started leaving the infirmary, "Hey Weiss, you should call JNPR and see how they're going with our rescue." Weiss nodded, grabbed Ozpin's Scroll out of her pocket and called the JNPRs,

"Hello? This is Weiss, how are you going with our rescue?" She asked,

"Uh, sorry Weiss, we're too busy stealing your concert. Bye!"

*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

It took a bit for Weiss to realize what Jaune had just said and promptly reacted before Yang shut the door behind them.

"What."

*SLAM!*

(1 hour later…)

It was the middle of the night as Noire entered the infirmary as quietly as possible, before quickly making it to Ruby's bed. She took out her Scroll and used her Brain Scanner App on the girl in red's head, " _…Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me._ " Noire muttered as she groaned, " _You have got to be fucking kidding me._ " She sighed before she started making her way out of the infirmary.

She needed to prepare for a  _very_ quirky Ruby. And right there and then she knew it was going to be a very long summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	62. JNPR-One Step Further

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes, dialogue and songs are from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"Penny, give me a phat beat!" Cue phat beat!

 **Sun:** Well I got the Blues, in a headlock!

I got the Blues, in my shotgun sight!

I got the Blues, they can't… get away!

Gonna make dirty Blues say their last goodnight!

Then they'll take a dirt nap.

Well I got the Blues, they're a bunch of dirtbags!

I got the Blues, but I got good aim!

I got the Blues, they won't… leave alone!

Got a shotgun shell for each one with their name!

I mighta misspelled Torchwick.

Yeehaw!

Down home, Jaune!

Hop in the jeep

Put the pedal to the metal

And we'll tear across the city

While I'm yellin' like a rebel

We may not have a tank

But you can take it to the bank

I'm the soldier of this boulder

I've got the highest rank!

And I intend to use to use it.

I hereby order you to boogie!

Not you, Nora, nobody wants to see that.

I got the Blues, right where I want 'em!

I got the Blues, but I got Velvet too.

I got the Blues, stuck in this… canyon so long!

That sometimes I don't know just what to do!

Oh wait, yes I do, shoot 'em!

Blues, you just Sun'd!

"Hey! Quiet down! I need to focus on driving!" Pyrrha called out from the front of the bus. It's been about a week since she killed Hiro and was making great time towards Vale and rescuing the RWBYs from their entrapment. The others were still unaware of her actions and thought Hiro had went home via airport and had given them his bus so they could get home. They didn't question how a 15 year old could get a bus full of instruments for at least two rock bands but they thought nothing of it. Anyway, now they were just entering the city and were looking for a place to park so they could search for a gig to do, as they were running out of money again. While Pyrrha was searching, the others had decided to practice with a few of the songs Jaune found. They were rather strange but they just went with it. Anyway, Pyrrha was starting get a bit annoyed by these songs. Not because they were annoying, but because she really wanted to join them, but without Hiro's knowledge on how to put on the auto-drive for the bus she had to drive it or else they would all crash. It's been a few hours and Pyrrha was starting to give up. That is, until Nora said something that Pyrrha really didn't want to hear,

"Hey, is that Hiro at a bus stop?"

Pyrrha had almost swerved the bus off the road when she heard that. She parked the bus in front of the bus stop and everyone went to see if what Nora said was true. She was right. They saw the kid in the black hoodie put his Scroll into his pocket and was about to step on when he saw that it was his bus,

"Hiro!" Everyone (apart from Pyrrha, for obvious reasons) exclaimed as they got off the bus to hug him,

"Hey guys! Man, I've been looking everywhere for you guys! You didn't break anything while I was away, right?" He asked,

"Meh, nothing important." Jaune answered, "I thought you went home."

"I was, but I realized you guys needed my help. That, and I kinda need protection."

"Wait, why?" Pyrrha asked. Hiro scratched the back of his head as he started to recall what happened back at the alleyway at the last city.

(Flashback!)

**_BANG!_ **

"HOLY SHIT!" Hiro shouted as he dived to the ground as he shut his eyes, hoping that he wasn't the target, "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…" He whispered to himself as he waited a few minutes, hoping the shooter had thought he was dead. After those few minutes, he slowly got up and looked around, "Fuck, did the cops send a Sniper on me or something? Wait, why am I even thinking about that!? I need to get out of here. And I have to stop talking to myself." He then looked around to make sure no one saw him before leaving the alleyway. He was about to leave the area when a saw someone laying down on the ground in another alleyway, right next to the one he was in before, wearing similar to his. Curious, he went over to see what had happened but gagged when he saw that the poor guy's head had gotten blown off, "Fuck! I gotta call the poli-" He then paused, remembering that the cops were shooting at him only moments ago, "…I'm going home."

(Flashback over!)

And sudden horrible realization that she had killed an innocent civilian just caused Pyrrha's insomnia to come back in full force, "Um, is something wrong Pyrrha?" Jaune asked his continuingly paling partner, "Are you sick?"

"No, I'm fine." She answered tonelessly as she went back in the bus. Everyone followed her lead and now they were back on the road and, thanks to Hiro now back behind the wheel, a destination in mind. It was going to take a bit so the JNPRs decided to practice as they got to wherever Hiro was taking them. They decided to just practice a song they found on the internet instead of doing one of Jaune's songs. Plus, Nora had suggested I'm Your Best Friend and that sounded kinda creepy to them. Anyway, they got out their drums, guitars, bass, keyboard and mics and started singing. Cue another random musical number!

 **Pyrrha:** He's standing right in your shoes 

And you feel like you're in his too...

 **Nora:** When did he show up right next to you

How strange that you should only notice now

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **The hero you thought was gone 

Distant memory of a past life...

He's back in force and he's leading the way 

**Pyrrha:** Has something changed...?   
  
**Nora:** It's an inner strength you find hard to define...

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **But now!

 **Nora:** It's here somehow...

 **Pyrrha:** Maybe this is your...   
  
**Pyrrha & Nora: **Next Chance to Move On!

Rise up with the Dawn!

Next Stop could be your big win 

It's right there...

 **Nora:** For you to grab your...  
  
 **Pyrrha & Nora: **Next Chance to become!

Whatever you want!

Next Chance to Move On! 

Next Chance to find out where you belong...!  
  
 **Nora:** The downtime's been good for you 

Had some time to think your life through...

 **Pyrrha:** And as you rise and reach out again 

To those who really make your life worthwhile

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **You find they're all still around 

They been waiting for your comeback...

And by a magical web you are bound 

**Nora:** And nothing's changed...

 **Pyrrha:** It was always there you just didn't know somehow...  
  
 **Pyrrha & Nora: **But now!

 **Pyrrha:** It's here again...

 **Nora:** So let this be your...   
  
**Pyrrha & Nora: **Next Chance to Move On!

Rise up with the Dawn!

Next Stop could be your big day

It's right here...

 **Nora:** For you to grab your   
  
**Pyrrha & Nora: **Next Chance to Move On! 

Wherever you want!

Next Chance to Move On!

Next Chance to find out where you belong...!

( _Instrumental Break!_ )  
  
 **Nora:** Next Chance to Move On!

Rise up with the Dawn!

Next Stop could be your big win 

It's right there...

 **Pyrrha:** For you to grab your   
  
Next Chance to become...

Whatever you want!

Next Chance to Move On!

Next Chance to find out where you be-

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **Long-where you can shine!

Flow with the design!

Feel everything fall in line

It's easy...

 **Pyrrha:** You've been grabbed by your 

**Pyrrha & Nora: **Next Chance to Move On!

Wherever you want!

Next Chance to Move On!

Next Chance to find out where you belong...!

 

"Uh, nice song, but uh… we kinda can't use that!" Hiro called out from the front of the bus, "By the way, we're here!"

"Wait, why?" Nora asked,

"You'll see. You guys get off and offload our stuff, I'm gonna check out the engine. I've been hearing a weird noise from it." Everyone nodded and proceeded to get off. While the JNPRs, Velvet and Penny got the instruments out of the bus and truck, Hiro was behind the bus and checking out the engine with Sun,

"Why do you need my help? I don't know anything about cars, let alone a bus engine." Sun asked as he held a flashlight to give Hiro light,

"Hey, like I know more than you. I just think a rock or something got into the engine somehow. It's kinda driving me nuts." Hiro answered before sighing, "You know what, fuck it. I give up." He said before getting out and closing the hatch to the engine. They were about to help everyone else with offloading the instruments when noticed a bit of the purple paint job peeling off the hatch, and underneath it was coat of white paint,

"That looks kinda weird." Sun muttered to himself as he went and started peeling off the first layer of paint bit by bit. Hiro noticed and raised an eyebrow before he went to join him. Soon, Hiro and Sun found a place where they could dig their hands in and rip the rest of the first layer away, "Whoever painted this bus sucks."

"No kidding." Hiro and Sun then ripped a large chunk of the first layer away, only for their eyes to widen when they realized what was underneath.

It was the Schnee family symbol.

"Oh fuck." They both swore at the same time,

"Let me guess, this was supposed to be Weiss' tour bus."

"Most likely."

"And this is probably stolen."

"Yes."

"…We're going to jail for grand theft auto and kidnapping aren't we?"

"Wait, why kidnapping?" Hiro only gave a Sun a look and it took a few seconds for him to understand, "Oh…"

"Hey, did you find out where that noise was coming from!?" Jaune called out as they were moving their equipment inside, causing the two to jump from the suddenness of it,

"Uh, yeah, found it!" Hiro quickly lied, "Go on without us! I'm gonna… find a place to park."

"Okay!" Jaune replied before he went into the place. Hiro and Sun quickly gave a sigh of relief before they started panicking again,

"What are we going to do?" Sun asked. The 15 year old thought for a second before snapping his fingers,

"You head into the concert hall, I'll get rid of the bus and find a car that can fit most of us. If I'm not here by the time the concert's over, stall them until I do. But before I do, let me borrow your shotgun." Sun raised an eyebrow before tossing him his weapon. Hiro sighed as he cocked the shotgun, and shot the hinges of the hatch where the Schnee symbol was, tore the hatch off and threw it into a dumpster, "Thanks." Hiro said as he gave back Sun's weapon, "I'll see you soon." He then went on the bus before driving away. Sun stood there for a few second before shaking his head and followed the JNPRs and what was left of RVIW into the building,

"Whoa…" Everyone said as they looked around. The place was massive, enough to fit the entire student body of Beacon and Haven put together even then there was a lot of seats that still needed to be filled. They could imagine every famous classic musical piece and play being performed on stage, with hundreds, maybe even thousands, watching them. Only the best of the best could be performed, and only the wealthiest of the rich could afford a ticket into this magnificent example of amazing architecture. And to top it all off, the entire place was white with some light grey mixed in,

"I could have all the money in the world, and I probably still can't afford to even stand here." Ren muttered to himself,

"What is this is place called anyway and why are we here?" Velvet asked as she just stared in awe,

"If I am correct, this is the Oum's Magnificent Grand White Theater For." Penny answered, "Acronym: OMGWTF."

"Theater For... what?" Sun asked,

"The architect who made this place passed away before the name of this theater was finished."

"And why are we here again?" Jaune asked before a man in a fancy white suit came up to them,

"Ah, you must be the replacements Mr. Hoke Unworn sent over, right that right?" the man in the fancy white said. The 'replacements' just looked at each other before turning to the man,

"Yes…?" Jaune answered as he rubbed the back of his head,

"Good! Good! Come this way." the man said the two teams followed him backstage,

"So, why do you need us, sir?" Pyrrha asked,

"Hm! I thought Mr. Unworn would've told you by now."

"Excuse us, but this was last minute." Velvet said, hoping to God that they weren't going to get busted by the real replacements,

"Well, we were supposed to have a very famous singer come here as part of her tour but she recently her manager called and cancelled it, along with the entire tour all together. I'm not sure why though." The man answered. Everyone looked at each again and they automatically knew he was talking about Weiss, "Of course, the people who bought their tickets were mad and demanded refunds. We couldn't do that, since we already used up all the money to maintain the theater. It is very old and the materials needed to keep this place up and running are very expensive. I had no choice but call in a favour from your manager to get anyone with any talent in acting or singing to fill in. Don't worry, we'll pay you handsomely for your effort and I have other artists so you only need to do one performance. I'll be honest though, I didn't expect two Faunus to come and from the way you're dressed you don't look… appropriate for the theater." Everyone then proceeded to look at their clothes and realized they were either underdressed or in armour,

"We're sorry, we will change into more appropriate clothing before the concert starts." Penny said,

"Good. I need to go now. The concert starts in exactly three hours so hurry and change. We will provide the necessary equipment for your performances." The man in the white suit then left, leaving the others to panic in peace,

"We're so dead." Sun whispered,

"Everyone, stay calm." Nora said, "We just need to think this through, and not reveal that we're actually just broke Hunters who are just here to basically steal money from someone we're trying to rescue and have no idea what we're doing."

"You are not making things better, Nora." Ren said as he shook his head, "So, does anyone have an idea about what we're going to do?"

"I might have something…" Jaune said as he looked past everyone before looking at Nora & Ren, "Yeah, this might work." He said as he looked at the two with an evil smile plastered on his face,

"I can already tell we're not going to like this." Ren groaned,

"Uh… Jaune, what are you going to do to us?" Nora asked. Jaune only smirked at them in response.

(3 hours later…)

The OMGWTF was alive with people, with every seat filled. Thousands had come to be entertained, to see what this theater would provide, to see what true art meant. Though, there were some who didn't want their ticket to go to waste (considering the price) the crowd was expecting the best and nothing but the best.

But for tonight, they got something else.

"Now introducing Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren with Forever." The audience clapped as the curtains parted, to reveal Nora in a pink, strapless dress and Ren in a dark green tuxedo. Nora had a microphone in front of her and Ren was preparing to play the grand piano he was sitting at,

"That's a lot of people…" Nora whispered to herself as she stared at the crowd. She knew this place was huge, but now that she was here and seeing how many eyes were watching her, she felt intimidated. Scared. Was she having stage fright? She didn't think so. She couldn't really describe what she was feeling, but she knew that maybe she couldn't do it. Not with so many people judging her every move, every sound she makes,

"Nora, don't worry." Ren said, seeing his friend's nervousness, "This isn't you. Just close your eyes and pretend no one's watching you and... just do what you feel that's right." Nora nodded at him before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, and just let the music flow through her.

 **Nora:** You and I were in a dream

You'd follow close wherever I'd lead…

My steps you'd echo one and all

You'd catch me safe if ever I'd fall…

Your hand in mine we walked along

No hill too high, no road was too long…

To stay with you, my only dream

To share your life, whatever it means…

"Wow." Pyrrha said, "I never really listened to her voice but… it's so beautiful."

"I guess she sings like that when she's only with Ren." Sun guessed,

"It sounds like she's experienced it herself." Velvet noted, wondering why Nora sounded like it was coming straight from her heart. Just then, Jaune's Scroll started vibrating in his pocket. He looked at the caller's ID and answered it,

"Hello? This is Weiss, how are you going with our rescue?" Weiss asked,

"Uh, sorry Weiss, we're too busy stealing your concert. Bye!" And with that, Jaune hung up.

 **Nora:** I knew you'd have to go away

My love for you could not help you stay…

You drifted off, day by day

I cherished every breath that remained…

In my arms, close to me

Your body broke, your soul was set free…

You left this world, my treasured friend

The chapter closed, but love has no end…

Farewell my angel

You're with me always

Just close your eyes now

Next time we meet it's forever…

When the song finished, the place erupted in cheers. Nora opened her eyes and smiled at Ren before they both took a bow and went off stage, "That was amazing guys." Jaune said as they walked up to them,

"Well played." Penny spoke up,

"Yeah, it really showed a lot of emotion in that song." Velvet said, "I didn't think you had it in you to sing such a somber song."

"How did you do that anyway?" Ren asked,

"I just kinda do what was natural to me and just sung from the heart." Nora admitted while her cheeks went a little pink, "Well, the first part at least."

"Okay." Ren said as everyone started walking away to grab their stuff and get paid. It took him a few seconds to realize what Nora just said, "Wait, what?" Nora only chuckled before she went to get changed, leaving her best friend standing there confused.

(A few hours later)

"C'mon, where are you?" Sun whispered as everyone waited for Hiro to return,

"Why did Hiro take the bus again? It shouldn't have taken this long to find a place to park." Pyrrha said as she tapped her foot impatiently,

"He told me over my Scroll that he went to get the bus fixed. Just wait a little longer." The monkey Faunus answered,

"It's 11 at night. We may as well get a room somewhere soon or else we'll be sleeping on the streets tonight." Ren suggested. Sun was about to stall for even more time when a big black hummer pulled up right in front of them. Everyone had an eyebrow raised before the window went down to reveal who was drive,

"Sorry that I'm late. I had to take care of something." Hiro apologized as he rubbed the back of his neck,

"Uh… Hiro? Where did you get a hummer and where's the bus?" Jaune asked,

"Uh… yeah… the bus broke down and I had to sell it to a scrapyard." Hiro answered, "But don't worry. With the scrap money, I had enough to buy a hummer! It's a five seater though, so three of us have to take the truck." While everyone just shrugged and went with it, Pyrrha didn't believe it. Not by a mile. She knew she had to confront him soon and that time has come. Anyway, since they didn't have the tour bus anymore, they had to stay at a hotel. When everyone went to sleep, Pyrrha had gone out on the balcony to look at the city. She couldn't sleep and thought that looking at the city skyline would help her get some rest,

"We've got to hurry." Pyrrha muttered to herself, "We need to save RWBY before they find out." She felt really tired and was about to go inside when she saw a light coming from below her. She looked at the ground and could barely see a person standing there with a flashlight turned on in his/her hands standing beside the pool the hotel had. From what she could tell, this person was being cautious, looking around to see if anyone was looking. When the person looked up, Pyrrha quickly got out of sight. She waited a few minutes before looking back at the ground again, only to see the person walking towards the hotel. The person looked around one more time before entering a back door, 'This is suspicious…' Pyrrha thought. As a Huntress-in-Training, it was her duty to maintain and ensure the safety of all people and do what's necessary to keep them safe.

So she changed out of her nightgown and into her battle clothing, grabbed her weapon and jumped off the balcony. From the 20th floor of the hotel.

Don't worry, she landed in the pool and survived thanks to her Aura.

Anyway, after getting herself out of the pool and drying herself off a little, she saw that the person had left the back door open so she went in and started making her way through the building. She had managed to catch up to the person without getting seen and saw that whoever this was, he/she was heading to the roof. Pyrrha had a hunch that it was Hiro, and this might be her only chance to interrogate him on what he knows. She stayed out of sight and followed her target all the way up to the roof. When they got there, Pyrrha decided it was now or never, "Hands up!" Pyrrha said in a commanding voice, causing her target to freak out,

"AH! I don't have any money! Please don't shoot!" Her target exclaimed as  _she_ held up her hands, dropping her duffel bag,

"What the-Who the hell are you?" Pyrrha asked confused. She thought she was following Hiro, not some random chick,

"U-Um, Me-Melissa Jacobs. M-My parents ow-own this hotel." The now named Melissa answered in a stutter, "I-I come up he-here to th-t-think." Pyrrha turned the girl around so she could get a good look at her. She looked 16 to 17 years old, had long, dirty blonde hair, grey eyes and slightly tanned skin. She wore a black blouse with a red skirt, boots and what looks like a fedora of some type (AN: If you can't picture it, think of Serena from Pokémon X & Y). Her whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Pyrrha guessed it was either from fear or the fact that it was really cold and windy on the roof. Either way, she made a mistake. Again,

"Sorry, but I was looking for someone and I thought you were him." Pyrrha apologized, "I'm gonna go back to my hotel room. I really need to get some sleep." The Amazon then turned around to leave, but not before saying something else, "Hey, if you see a guy with black hair and dark blue glasses, do you mind bringing him to me? My room number is four on the twentieth floor."

"I-I'll ma-make s-s-sure." Melissa said. Pyrrha nodded and left the roof. Melissa then sighed and picked up her duffel bag, "Oh thank God she's gone." She whispered with a sigh of relief before she made sure the contents of her bag were undamaged,

"Is she gone?" A male voice asked from the shadows,

"Yep, Pyrrha's gone." Melissa answered, "And I got the stuff you need."

"Good. Here's your payment." The guy said as he exchanged a fat wad of paper money with the bag. Melissa quickly counted her cash before looking at the guy with a less than amused face,

" _Really_? After everything I've done to get you all that crap?  ** _This_** is my fucking pay?"

"You're lucky you're actually getting something. I'm kinda strapped for cash right now."

"You're strapped for cash since we've met! I mean, is it really that hard to-"

"Yes." The shadowy male answered in a flat tone, "And I've got other shit to do, you know."

"Why do you even need all that shit anyway? You could've gotten them yourself! And how are you gonna even use them when we're-"

"Details, details. I'll figure out something. Anyway, don't  _you_ need to be somewhere right now?" Melissa groaned as soon as he said that,

"I hate you."

"I know." The guy then stepped a ledge behind him, "And remember: everything exists for a reason." And with that, he took a step back and fell off the building. Melissa didn't even blink at that,

"I don't get paid enough for this." Melissa muttered before she collapsed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	63. This Bad Feeling (For Those of You Just Joining Us, Drink Your Ovaltine, Upon Further Review)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes, songs and dialogue all comes from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

She really didn't want to get up today. She really didn't want to.

" _Just three seasons left Noire. Just three more fucking seasons. You can do this._ " Noire told herself. Don't get her wrong, she loved watching Red vs Blue. She was practically born to watch it. Though, she admits that's a rather pathetic existence, it was better than nothing. Or being nothing. Anyway, why she didn't want to get up today was because…

Well, she couldn't explain.

Honestly, she couldn't explain it. She couldn't remember. She doesn't know why, she just had a really bad feeling about this ever since she saw what Phase Ruby was going into next, which was Quirky Ruby. She didn't know what that meant, or what a 'quirk' was but she knew in her gut it was incredibly bad, " _C'mon Noire. You can do this._ " Noire muttered as she got out of her bed. Well, technically  _not_ her bed. The RWBYs wouldn't let her sleep in their dorm, just in case she does something funny and rape them in their sleep. Of course she wouldn't do that, but they still had trust issues with her. Anyway, she had to sleep in the JNPRs' dorm, " _And I need to stop talking to myself._ " After she got dressed, she started walking to the cafeteria but not before stopping by the RWBY's dorm to see what the next season was. When she got there, she that everyone was there, " _What up, my homies_!" Noire shouted out while throwing her hands up in the air and having a stupid grin on her face. Everyone just stopped whatthey were doing and just stared at her, "… _I get paid to do this._ "

"YOU DON'T GET PAID AT ALL!" WBY shouted at her,

" _And I really shouldn't. Especially for that._ " Noire said before going in the kitchen to grab her breakfast. While she did that, Yang just sighed,

"What are we going to do with her?" Yang groaned as she ate her cereal,

"I don't know." Weiss answered, "Blake, you created her, what do you have?"

"Hey, don't look at me! I may have created her, but I have no idea how the hell we're gonna get rid of her." Blake said, "We could kill her, but I doubt that."

"How?" Yang asked,

" _I can become a shadow_." Noire answered, appearing behind them thanks to her Semblance, causing them jump up from their seats, " _I can also copy your Semblances, be awesome and play music on my Aura Generator._ "

"Since when?" Blake asked,

" _Since Kalathanon gave it to me in his/her story._ "

"Who?"

" _None of your fucking business._ "

"Yeah, this is gonna be a long summer." Yang said as she, Weiss and Blake groaned in unison. While they were being miserable, they didn't notice Ruby, still in her hospital gown, going in and going to the kitchen without even saying a thing. Only Noire noticed, and just glared at her.

Now she remembered why she didn't want to wake up today.

"Uh… Noire, are you alright?" Yang asked, "Your eye's twitching."

" _I'm okay. Just resisting the urge to murder._ " Noire said through gritted teeth, " _Now if you excuse me…_ " She didn't even bother to finish her sentence as she proceeded to do a battle cry and charge into the kitchen. The others only raised their eyebrows at her before quickly getting up and followed Noire into the kitchen, only to duck under a flying oven,

"What the fuck!?" Weiss shouted out when they got up, just as Noire stomped out of the now ruined kitchen, "Noire, what th-" She then got cut off when Noire gave her a I'm-gonna-kill-you-if-you-say-another-word type of glare,

" _Infirmary. Now._ " Noire growled. The girls took a step back. They've never seen this side to Noire. They've seen her mad but never actually angry. And from what they can tell right now, it was best to do whatever Noire says now and ask questions later. When they got to the Infirmary, they saw that the door was open and that Ruby's bed was empty, " _Fuck._ " Noire cursed,

"Shit, where's Ruby?" Yang said as she looked around the Infirmary,

"Well, I know a few places." Weiss muttered, "Alright, Blake & Noire will check the dorm. Yang, you check Emerald Forest. I'll go check the Training Area. If we still can't find her, then I don't know."

" _Oh, we will find her._ " Noire said, " _It'll just be a matter of time._ "

"Okay, let's go find our dolt of a leader!" Weiss declared as everyone split up,

"So, uh… Noire, why were you so angry back there?" Blake asked as they ran towards the RWBY dorm,

" _Look, let's just say that I'm frustrated and leave it at that_." Noire answered,

"What, you didn't masturbate in your room today?" Blake joked, trying to cheer her other up. Although she didn't like Noire ever since she came into her life, Annoying Noire was better than Angry Noire,

" _Oh shut up._ " Noire replied as she shook her head, but still let out a grin, " _Plus, I already did it in your bed before I got to the cafeteria._ "

"NOIRE!" Blake shouted as the pervert cat girl just laughed a sped up while the ninja cat girl chased after her. They got to the dorm in just a few seconds and heard someone humming inside, "Okay, she must be in there."

" _Okay, let's go get her._ " Noire said as they walked up to the door. Noire took a deep breath and grabbed the handle, and just stayed there for a few seconds,

"…Well? What are you waiting for?" Blake asked, annoyed, "We don't have all day."

" _Uh… you **do**  have all day. You've done nothing but train and read for the past week._" Noire deadpanned, " _And considering you guys have been doing nothing except go insane since the start of the summer, you all have all the time in the world which has been stated multiple times by now. Anyway, I'm not opening the door because we don't exactly know what Phase Ruby is in now. For all we know, she could be an asshole._ "

"I'm pretty sure Bitch Ruby covered that." Blake said before shaking her head, "C'mon Noire, stop stalling and let's go in."

" _Look, we're all eager to go and see Ruby but can't we jus-_ "

"Noire!" Blake interrupted Noire, "Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you today? You're acting more annoying than usual."

" _I have reasons._ "

"Well, tell me what they are! Seriously, Noire, why do you keep lying!?"

" _Because my entire fucking existence is a big fucking lie_!" Noire snapped, causing Blake to step back, " _I am nothing more than a fucking lie_!  _Do you ever wonder why we're here_?  _Well, I don't_!  _I know why I'm here and it is all a lie_!  _I keep lying because God is an asshole_!  _I keep lying because I don't know what else to do_!  _I KEEP LYING, BECAUSE I, I, I…_ " Noire lost the power in her voice as she leaned against the door and slid to the ground, " _I hate the truth._ "

"Noire…" Blake said softly, "…What is the truth? Why do you hate it so much?"

" _I… I don't have much of an existence._ " Noire answered in a barely audible whisper, " _I don't exist anywhere else but here. And the reason why I exist is pointless. The only thing I can do is lie._ "

"...But… I know you told the truth a couple of times." Noire just gave a humorless laugh

" _When_?" Noire asked,

"Well, when we learned that Sister had 7 abortions." Blake answered as she sat next to Noire, "And when we saw Washington kill Donut and Lopez. Plus, all of your reactions to Red vs Blue. And right now, when you told me why you lie. So, tell me, is your existence really a big lie? Everyone exists for a reason after all."

" _You sound like an asshole I know._ " Noire said before giggling, " _Anyway, sorry for snapping, it's just… this Ruby Phase, it's… I don't know how to describe it._ "

"Why?" Blake asked with one of her eyebrows raised,

" _Because I don't know what the definition of 'quirk' is._ " Noire answered with a smile. Blake just shook her head and smiled, " _Anyway, this has gone on long enough._ " Noire said as she got up, ' _Like 1,372 words too long._ ' Noire mentally added, " _Let's see what this Phase entails._ " Blake nodded as she got up as well, " _And uh… could you not mention this to anyone_?  _I have a reputation to uphold._ "

"Yeah, a reputation only known by three other people." Blake pointed out, "But fine."

" _Thanks. Oh, and if I snap again…_ "

"Don't worry; I have something that'll keep you in line." Blake said as she held up Noire's shock collar remote,

" _Yeah… that'll do it._ " Noire said as she looked at the remote control to torture device wrap around her… thing, ' _And it's not what you're thinking._ '

"So, are we going to enter the dorm any time soon?" Blake asked,

" _Right._ " Noire said before turning to the door, taking a deep breath and opening the door to see Ruby setting the TV up for another season,

"O-Oh, uh… hi Blake. H-Hey Noire." Ruby said with a bright smile, slightly surprised for a moment.

(3 hours of ranting later)

"I have never heard so many swears per second." Ruby said in a quiet flat tone as everyone got into their spot on the couch, "T-That has to be a world record."

"Why do you hate this Ruby so much?" Yang asked Noire, who was currently restraining her constantly raising anger,

" _It's because FUCK YOU_!" Noire calmly replied, " _But I'll do my best to ignore **her** so we can all enjoy this experience._"

"What did I do?" Ruby whispered to herself as she rubbed the back of her head,

" _Oh, you fucking know what you did._ " Noire growled, before actually growling at her,

"Alright, ENOUGH!" Weiss shouted, "I don't why you're so pissed off with Ruby but seriously, leave your ego at the door and shut up!"

"And seriously, so far this Ruby seems normal." Yang pointed out as she patted Ruby's head, causing the girl in red to blush, "Maybe the Phases are gone, or at least suppressed. We might've finally got a normal Ruby."

" _Oh, she's still going through her Phases, it's just this one I hate with all my being_." Noire replied through gritted teeth,

"Look, you don't have to tell us why you hate this Ruby, even though we've only met her 3 hours ago." Blake said, "You just have to suck it up. You can do that, right?" Noire took a few deep breaths, trying to control her anger,

" _I think I'm good. At least for now._ "

"Good, now let's start it up! Ruby!" Yang exclaimed as she threw the remote to her sister. She caught it and threw the remote into the air before catching it,

"Alright girls! It's the last one for the Recollection! After this we only have Season 9 & 10! So let's get this done!" Ruby said excitedly,

"Really, we only have two seasons after this?" Weiss asked,

"Well, no, but we're only going up to Season 10. A nice round number to go up to." Ruby answered,

"Well, what are you waiting for? Start the show!" Blake called out,

"I wanna see what happens with Washington." Yang said eagerly as she grabbed a hand-full of popcorn, "Hopefully something horrible."

" _Just start already._ " Noire said,

"Okay! It's time to see what Season 8 has in store for us! It's time for our questions to be answered and all the problems solved! It's time to revelate!" Ruby shouted out,

"That's not a real word." Blake pointed out,

"Whatever. It's time for Red vs Blue: Revelation!" Ruby declared before pressing play.

**(For Those of You Just Joining Us)**

_Fade in to the sky, before panning down to Doc in Valhalla, and radio sounds_

**Doc:**  Come in Command. Come in Command, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have arrived at Freelancer Program Simulation Outpost Seventeen. Command? Come in? Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have reached FPS Outpost 17.

"Well, this is familiar." Yang muttered,

"Yeah. This is just like the Season 2 opening scene." Weiss said, "And I guess Doc knew about the Red & Blue war being a lie along."

"Well, it is kinda obvious in hindsight, considering Doc came from Command and was working with both sides when we first saw him." Blake pointed out, "But anyway, glad to see you again Doc even though everything's kinda fucked."

 **Simmons:**  Hey, down here, we're over here! Hey, come down here!

" _Hey, wait, what's going on_?" Noire asked, " _Why did Simmons call Command to get Doc_?  _No, a better question is where's the Meta_?  _Where's Washington_?"

"This might end badly." Ruby said knowing what was going to happen, already as everyone focused on the TV.

 **Doc:**  Never mind Command, I think I see the objective. Stupid radio doesn't work anyway. What else is new.

"I don't know. Maybe that Washington is a traitor, is working with the Meta and killed half of the Reds. You missed a lot of things Doc." Yang said, before everyone sighed, remembering the death of the Pink Grenadier,

"He's got to pay." Weiss growled.

_Doc runs down to Simmons and a dead Donut_

" _Damn it, Donut._ " Noire whispered as everyone looked down.

 **Doc:**  Holy cow, Simmons! Is that you?

 **Simmons:**  Oh, hey Doc. Man, I didn't know they'd send you.

 **Doc:**  Yeah, we got the radio call and I was the closest medic so they sent me. But I didn't know it'd be you guys! Small galaxy, huh? Man, we got a lotta catching up to do. So what's up, somebody hurt or what? What's going on?

"Someone's a little more than injured." Blake said in a sad tone.

 **Simmons:**  Him.

 **Doc:**  Him? Um, he's dead.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, he is. He was shot.

"By a fucking emotionless asshole." Ruby added, 'And to think we trusted him.'

 **Doc:**  Um, Simmons, I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, and I have increased my skill as a medic in that time,

" Pretty easy when there was so much room for improvement." Weiss muttered,

' _Thanks rt fan for the quick joke._ ' Noire thought.

 **Doc:** But dead is still pretty much outside my jurisdiction.

"Well, you can't make someone feel more comfortable while they die when they're dead already." Blake muttered.

 **Simmons:**  Man, I just didn't know they'd send you.

 **Doc:** Yeah, you said that already. Hey is everything okay with you?

"No Doc, everything is not okay." Weiss said somewhat darkly.

 **Simmons:** It's not my fault Doc, I-I had to make the call, they made me. They needed someone with medical training.

 **Doc:**  What're you talkin' about?

"Yeah, what are you talking about?" Yang said as she narrowed her eyes, "Why do they need someone with medical training?"

"You know, you'd think he would've at least called for a psychiatrist too." Ruby pointed out,

"Ruby, we probably all need psychiatrist after this." Weiss said.

 **Simmons:**  I didn't mean for you to get involved, I'm sorry, really.

 **Doc:** Sorry about what?

_Doc turns around and sees Wash and the Meta_

The girls quickly glared at the screen as soon as they saw  _him_ again, " _Oh, your cunt is **so**  getting filled with karma_." Noire growled.

 **Doc:**  Uh oh.

 **Washington:** He's sorry about us.

_The Meta hits Doc and screen turns black._

**Red** **v** **s** **Blue** _  
_ **Revelation**

"I have a feeling they're gonna go all out on this season." Ruby said,

"How?" Yang asked. The Red Leader only shrugged in response.

_Cut to Grif looking at a desert field with Tucker approaching him._

**Tucker:**  Hey Grif, what's up?

 **Grif:**  Hm? Oh. Hey Tucker.

 **Tucker:**  What're you doing?

"Being Grif?" Weiss guessed.

 **Grif:**  Well, Sarge told me to bury all the bodies from our battle...

"Which is good, considering all the diseases you can get around dead bodies." Blake said.

 **Tucker:** That's a lotta graves. Lotta holes to fill. Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire quickly got in.

*BZZZZT!*

" _W-Why_?" Noire squeaked out while her body smoked from the ground,

"You said you had a reputation to uphold, right?" Blake asked as she tossed the remote in her hand, "Plus, this is kinda fun."

"Yeah." Yang said before realizing what Blake just said, "Wait, what?"

"Oh nothing." Blake replied while smirking. When Noire got back to her seat, they continued the episode,

"You alright Noire?" Ruby asked, only to shift away when Noire growled at her, 'What did I do?'

 **Grif:** And now I can't find 'em, because the bodies were piled up over here, by these stone pillars, and then the wind came and blew sand all over the damn things.

"So… they're buried." Yang deadpanned,

"That was oddly convenient." Weiss noted.

 **Tucker:**  So I guess they're already buried. Good job dude.

 **Grif:**  I like the way you think.

" _Well, he was your opposite back in Season 1_." Noire pointed out,

"Anyway, it's not like you're gonna dig them back up and bury them again." Blake said.

_Sarge approaches both of them._

**Sarge:**  Grif, what the hell are you doing up here? I thought I told you to bury those... bodies. What?

 **Tucker:**  He did, he buried the shit out of them, look.

 **Sarge:**  What the- I only gave you that order five minutes ago! How'd you do it so fast? Did you help him?

 **Tucker:** Help him? Dude, we've been fighting for like eight years, haven't you learned anything about me yet? I'm a lover, not a digger.

"You say that all the time." Ruby said as she rolled her eyes, "Though, you are a lover and a fighter now."

 **Grif:**  Yeheah, maybe he woulda helped me if some of the bodies were dead ladies.

The girls jaws dropped as soon as they heard Grif say that and just stared at the screen.

"Uh…" (Ruby)

"That's just sickening." (Weiss)

"I don't even wanna know where that came from." (Blake)

"Grif, like seriously, what the fuck? Like, what the actual fuck?" (Yang)

" _Welp, he's going to Hell._ " (Noire)

 **Grif:**...And I realize that sounded a lot creepier than what I intended.

"You think?" the RWBYs and Noire said in unison.

 **Sarge:** Well, does someone wanna say a few words?

 **Grif:** Words?

 **Sarge:**  Yes, these men were soldiers. Even if they were enemy soldiers, they still deserve a eulogy.

"They weren't soldiers. They were a group of thieves Hell-bent on getting ancient alien artifacts to sell to the highest bidder." Blake corrected.

 **Tucker:**  Well don't look at me, I'm a lover not a talker. Hey dude, you wanna make another sex with dead people joke?

 **Grif:**  No, I think I hit my quota.

"What's next? A dead baby joke?" Yang said before Noire started choking her Homer Simpson style,

" _Don't say anything about dead babies or I will make sure you won't have any_." Noire threatened,

"You *gag* got it." Yang managed to say before Noire let go of her,

"Noire, why are you so on edge today?" Weiss asked,

" _It's nothing. Now stay out of my business._ " The RWBYs decided to back off for now, but they were going to get the truth out of her somehow sooner or later.

 **Sarge:**  Well what about your buddy Mister Cult Leader?

_Cut to Church hovering around a rock with aliens in tow._

**Church:**  So, then was one guy, said some things to another guy, and the people liked it. And that's pretty much that.

"That's pretty much Church's Bible." Ruby noted.

 **Tucker:**  It's not his fault, those aliens just worship this ancient technology. And the people who made it. Huh huh what's a brother gonna do?

"Well, tell them that Church isn't a God and is just the memory of a tortured soul." Weiss suggested, "But then again, the aliens might get angry."

 **Sarge:**  Who in Sam Hell worships technology?

 **Grif:** Are they from the Internet?

' _Are they from Earth_?' Noire thought.

_Caboose comes from behind the rock following the aliens._

**Caboose:** Yes, this is just very interesting. I understand everything that is being said. Good.

"Of course, because he basically worshipped Church already." Yang said with a sigh.

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, what're you doing, get outta there.

_Caboose stands in front of Tucker and the others._

**Caboose:**  It's not fair! Hya- I worshiped Church, way before it was cool to worship him.

"Caboose. Church was never cool, Church will never be cool, this isn't exactly Church and worshipping Church will never in history be cool." Blake slowly explained,

"You know, if Caboose was real he'd probably not understand anything you would've said, right?" Ruby pointed out. Blake just shrugged in response.

 **Grif:**  Hey, I already told you, that's still not cool. That will never, be cool. Ever.

_Church floats next to Caboose._

**Church:** Oh hey there guys. How's life among all the non-deities? Pretty lame, I bet! Pretty sure none of you've been worshiped all day long today. Weak!

"You're a non-deity yourself, you don't have the right to say that." Yang pointed out.

 **Sarge:** D'ya think you guys might be milkin' this just a bit?

 **Tucker:**  Hey, do you want to tell the big group of deadly aliens that they're mistaken and he's not who they think he is?

"Yeah, it's best to keep them in the dark." Blake said as she shifted a little in order to get a bit more comfortable.

 **Sarge:**  Hm, I see your point. Hey, your circular holiness! How 'bout delivering the eulogy? We're buryin' most of these guys 'cause of you anyway.

_The aliens appear right behind Church._

**Church:**  Me? I only lasered one guy.

"All these people died because of you." Weiss said, "Well, at least your at least."

"You said 'at least' twice." Ruby told her partner,

"Whatever."

 **Caboose:** Which was awesome.

 **Church:**  I know it was, right?

 **Caboose:** So cool. The laser came out of your face.

" _Well, it was more of his eye but then again it takes up most of your face so yeah. Laser face_." Noire said.

 **Tucker:**  Have you been able to figure out how you did that yet?

 **Church:**  No, I think it's just because I got really mad.

"People can do a lot of things they're not capable of when they're mad." Yang spoke up, "Like ripping out someone's skull and beating them to death with it."

"You're still hung up on being the only one not to do it, huh?" Ruby said with a smile,

"That's because it's so fucking awesome! Seriously, everyone here can do the physically impossible except me!"

"That's because you do the physically impossible every day." Blake deadpanned, "Like the time you punched a Deathstalker so hard you blew its skeleton out of its body."

"Or the time you ripped a Grimm's skin off and kicked it down while it was still alive." Weiss added in,

"Or the time you hugged a Grimm so hard, all of its blood came out of its mouth." Ruby also added in,

" _And let's not forget the time yesterday where you somehow ripped a Grimm's heart out, stuffed it in its mouth, ripped the head off, stuffed it in where the heart used to be, then stole Weiss' sword just so you could cut it in half and then, to finish it off, **set it on fire**. All in the span of 10 seconds._ " Noire finished off, " _Would you like us to list **other** examples on why your face is next to the word 'Overkill' in the dictionary_?"

"No no, I'm good." Yang said while laughing nervously before they went back to watching.

 **Church:** Hey, say something to make me angry. See if it happens again.

The girls cleared their throats and took in deep breaths, before they all pulled out a stack of papers from under their beds.

 **Tucker:** You're ugly and nobody likes you.

 **Grif:** You're annoying and your team sucks.

 **Caboose:** You're round and you can't wear pants.

"You're useless and only good for bowling." (Ruby)

"You're a horrible shot and have an accuracy of -69,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000." (Weiss)

"You're selfish and no one on your own team really likes you or is too stupid to realize how horrible of a person you are." (Blake)

"You treat the only person that actually likes you like complete shit." (Yang)

" _You wanted to kill poor, sweet Junior._ " (Noire)

 **Church:** You guys came up with all that really quickly.

"We made lists of everything bad about you." Ruby said, "Well, before Season 5 & 6." The girls sighed sadly when they remembered the original Church's sacrifice, which was in vain.

 **Tucker:** Eh, it pays to be prepared. Did it work? Are you pissed?

 **Church:** No, I think I'm actually kinda depressed now. Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.

"REALLY!?" The RWBYs and Noire exclaimed, "THAT'S WHAT DEPRESSED YOU!?"

 **Caboose:** Well I only said it because everyone is thinking it.

" _He's right, you know_?" Noire said, causing the RWBYs to stare at her, "… _I'm the only one who thought that, huh_?" The others nodded slowly, " _God damn it_."

 **Tucker:** Maybe mad makes a red laser, and depressed will make a blue laser.

 **Caboose:** Well I hope we don't find out what makes a brown laser.

"I don't think it'll come out of the eye." Ruby muttered, "Or be a laser."

 **Sarge:** You idiots shut up. Hey Globey, you makin' a speech or ain't ya?

 **Church:**  Hey sure no problem. I did a sermon just the other day that the aliens loved.

"I guess that sermon was just you bullshitting about other shit and various other types of shit." Weiss guessed.

_Church floats up next to the Reds and Tucker._

**Tucker:** Sermon? You just read them the setup guide to our Inkjet printer.

"AND SO, YOU PLUG THE POWER CORD INTO THE ELECTRICAL SOCKET AND THE PRINTER WILL ACTIVATE! YOU CAN NOW PRINT DOCUMENTS AND IMAGES! YOU CAN ALSO SCAN PHOTOS TO YOUR COMPUTER, WHICH WILL BE EXPLAINED IN THE 'HOW TO CONNECT TO YOUR PRINTER' SECTION!" Yang said in a deep, godly voice, causing Ruby to laugh and the others soon followed.

 **Church:** Yeah, and they eat that gadget stuff up. You gotta know your audience buddy.

 **Grif:** How is it possible that ever since Caboose revived you, you can't remember anything except how to be a jackass?

"It's genetics, Tucker. Genetics." Ruby said, still trying to stop laughing from Yang's joke.

 **Tucker:**  Some things are hardwired.

_Tucker and the Reds join Caboose and the Aliens._

**Church:**  Attention true believers. And... other people. We are here today to pay our final ( _Cue piano_ ), and our first, respects, to the dearly departed.

"H-Hey, wait. What's going on?" Yang asked as everyone stopped laughing and looked at what's happening on screen.

 **Church:**  But first, I'd like you all to join me in a song, in honor of me. Hm.

(AN: Please watch the music video alongside this part of the fic. It is 'I Am The Best'. Enjoy.)

 **Aliens:** Church, Church, Church, Church!

"They're actually going to sing!?" Yang exclaimed.

 **Church:** I am the best

No one else is any better

Maybe they're as good, but that's still a tie for the best

No one else is me,

I'm the best round guy in the universe!

Maybe there's a cube out there,

And they could be pretty good,

But I haven't met them yet,

We don't hang out.

"Oh Borg." Ruby muttered as she repeatedly face palmed.

 **Aliens:** Church, Church, Church, Church!

 **Church:** I am the best

I am the best

Back me up aliens

"What the aliens gonna do? Blargh out rap!?" Weiss said.

 **Yellow Alien:** I am the big dog,

Top of the line,

Numero Uno!

"FUCK!"

" _And you stand corrected_." Noire said.

 **Yellow Alien:** Man, listen I'm the illest all you know.

Discard other orbs, Church is the name,

Nobody is better and I feel the same.

I'm so rare,

Floatin' in the air,

That all other orbs ain't even in my atmosphere!

They know to clear the way when the best come through

Because I'm just the best and there's nothin' they can do

Uh!

"I did not want to see that." Blake said in a flat tone as they stared at the screen, the Yellow Alien thrusting his crotch in the air.

 **Yellow Alien:** Many tried, but just can't beat me

They all say it's hard but to me it's rather easy

To do what I do, better than the rest

It takes four words, I AM THE BEST!

"NO YOU'RE NOT!" The RWBYs and Noire quickly added.

 **Yellow Alien:** All praise Church, the best just admit it

Can't live without me so gotta live with it

'I don't wanna live on this planet anymore.' They all thought.

I gotta split so let me hear you shout:

"Church, you the best!"

That's right yo, I'm out!

 **Aliens:** Church, Church, Church, Church!

 **Church:** I am the best!

The girls just stared at the screen after the music video ended. They were completely silent. From break dancing aliens to the rapping alien slam-dunking through what only could be describe as a black hole or galaxy, they were completely speechless.

And then Weiss had to go to the bathroom to throw up.

"I hate auto-tune." Yang whispered,

'And we're gonna weather that storm together.' Ruby thought, 'And I will be right by your side.'

"I think I'm gonna go find where ever Noire got beer." Blake muttered,

" _Hey, you guys notice how the aliens were the colours of the Blood Gulch Blues apart from Church_?" Noire spoke up, before noticing that they just kept staring at the screen, " _Welp, I've got nothing to lose_." Noire said as she stood up before taking in a deep breath and turning to the RWBYs,  **" _YOU'RE IN A FANFICTION BEING WRITTEN BY SOME JACKASS! YOU WERE NEVER REAL TO BEGIN WITH! YOU'RE FROM A SHOW ON THE INTERNET FROM THE SAME GUYS WHO CREATED RED VS BLUE! TO EVERYONE READING THIS, YOU'RE JUST WORDS ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN! I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH TUCKER! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK QUIRKY MEANS AND NEITHER DOES MY BOSS! SUGGEST QUIRKS OR SOME SHIT, I DON'T CARE! I'M REVEALING SO MUCH INFORMATION RIGHT NOW! MY BOSS IS AN ASSHOLE! PYRRHA KNOWS ABOUT RED VS BLUE, SHE'S WORKING WITH SOMEONE TO PREVENT YOU GUYS FROM SEEING THE SHOW! BLAH BLAH BLAH! FILLER, FILLER, FILLER! AND PURPLE DUST ACTUALLY WORKS WEISS_!"**  Noire then pulled out a large Purple Dust crystal, " _Also, I love you guys._ " ' _Also, thank you D.N.K. for inspiring this part.'_ " _RESET_!"

(A few minutes earlier)

"It's genetics, Tucker. Genetics." Ruby said, still trying to stop laughing from Yang's joke. Suddenly, Noire gasped before going into a coughing fit, "Whoa, Noire? Are you alright?"

" _I'm great. Never better._ " Noire said sarcastically, her voice raspy, before she went into a coughing fit again, " _My throat hurts though._ "

"Why?" Yang asked,

" _I think my rant is catching up to me._ " The girls decided to leave it at that and went back to watching.

 **Tucker:**  Some things are hardwired.

_Tucker and the Reds join Caboose and the Aliens._

**Church:**  Attention true believers. And... other people. We are here today to pay our final, and our first, respects, to the dearly departed. But first, I'd like you all to join me in a song, in honor of me.

"I am willing to bet that Church is just as bad of a singer as Lopez, maybe even worse." Ruby said,

"Who knows? He might be a terrible sniper, but what if his singing is actually good?" Yang replied,

' _Apparently, you haven't heard his character song._ ' Noire thought before shuddering.

 **Church:** Hm. I am the best.

Everyone quickly covered their ears as soon as the first word came out, except for Noire who curled up in a fetal position, "I take it back! I TAKE IT BACK!" Yang exclaimed, "He is the worst singer ever!"

"Of all time!" Weiss added, "GOD FUCKING FUCK!" the Heiress shouted before slamming her head against the table,

' _Thank you FredFuch86 for the joke_.' Noire thought.

 **Sarge & Grif: **Skip it.

" _Oh thank God_." Noire sighed in relief and wiped sweat off her brow.

 **Church:**  Fine. Okay, uh, in the beginning, there was darkness. And uh, and out from the darkness came a voice. And it said...

_Church sees an armored figure in the distance._

"Um, okay." Yang said, wondering who that person was, "Who the Hell is that?"

"I think the desert is getting to Church." Ruby guessed,

"I don't think ancient alien artifacts or a fragment of a smart A.I see mirages." Weiss told her partner, "But this is definitely weird."

 **Church:** And it said... Uh... Uh-out-out from the darkness came... Out from the darkness...

"Epsilon, what are you seeing?" Blake asked, rhetorically.

 **Grif:**  Is his playback skipping?

 **Tucker:**  I don't know.

 **Sarge:** Maybe he needs a reboot. Good thing I wore my boots. I'll reboot him right in the keister. Hheh heh.

"Sarge, violence isn't always the answer." Ruby said like she was a disappointed parent, "It's always and option though."

 **Church:** Out from the darkness came uh, someone. I'll be right back.

_Church floats away in the direction of the armored figure. The aliens look at each other before they start blarghing in rage._

"I think the aliens don't like their God abandoning them." Yang said, "Though, it is for a good reason. What is he seeing?"

 **Tucker:** Uh oh, the natives are getting restless. Caboose, get up there and stall 'em, I'll figure out what's going on.

"Oh God…" Weiss muttered as everyone groaned.

_Tucker chases after Church and Caboose stands in front of the Aliens._

**Caboose:**  Yes, and out of the darkness came someone! And that someone was me! Yes. And I said, funerals are sad, and we should have a birthday party instead, yes! Yes, let there be cake! Um, hallelujah, gesundheit.

"Well, I remember reading somewhere that hundreds of years ago, people would cry at births and people will celebrate when some dies." Blake spoke up,

" _Yeah, I remember you reading that._ " Noire said," _It was something about how when someone's born, then that means someone has died and they're grieving for someone's loss and when that person dies, they celebrate knowing that they'll be reincarnated or some bullshit like that. Right_?"

"That's pretty much it."

_Cut to Church chasing the unknown figure._

**Church:** Hey you! Hold on a second, who are you? Hey I'm talkin' to you, what are you deaf? What are you...

_The figure runs into a temple, which suddenly turns into Blue Base from Valhalla._

"Uh… what?" the girls said as they stared confusingly at the screen,

"Why is Epsilon seeing Valhalla?" Ruby asked,

"Well, Valhalla  _was_  a Simulation base for Project Freelancer. My guess is that he's having visions about stuff Alpha used know." Weiss answered,

'And now you're just some Blue Base that I used to know.' Ruby thought.

 **Church:**  What?

 **Tucker:** Church! Hey Church, what're you doing out here man?

 **Church:**  Hu-whu?

_Tucker approaches behind him. The scene shifts back to the desert._

**Tucker:** The aliens don't like it when you leave them alone. And I don't like it when the aliens don't like stuff.

" _And when aliens don't like stuff, they mate aggressively_." Noire said, " _I am not joking_."

"Stop putting images in my head Noire.' Blake groaned.

 **Church:**  Did you see him?

 **Tucker:**  Who?

 **Church:**  The person, from the darkness, the- no, th- that's not right, that's not right. Well did you see?

"I don't think anyone else saw what you saw apart from yourself." Yang said.

_Sarge and Grif approach them._

**Sarge:**  What's he talkin' about?

 **Tucker:**  I think he's having another memory flash.

 **Sarge:**  A what?

"A quick recollection of memories?" Blake guessed.

 **Tucker:**  Random memories that keep coming back to him. He's been getting 'em more and more lately and I don't think he has any control over 'em. He gets all emo too, it's annoying.

"Shit." Ruby cursed, "This is bad. Epsilon is starting to remember everything the Alpha tried to forget. It's only a matter of time before he'll remember something he wish he'd forgotten."

 **Tucker:** Like having a chick around, but without all the fun parts of having a chick around. Like bonin'!

" _Hello~_ " Noire sang out, causing everyone else to groan.

 **Sarge:** You should take out his memory unit and blow on it. That'll fix it.

"Don't fix the memory unit, you dumbass!" They all shouted out.

_Caboose appears behind Tucker._

**Caboose:**  Is he having more memories?

 **Tucker:**  Yep.

 **Caboose:**  Did he remember me this time?

"Hey, with all the time you spent with Epsilon back when he was in the memory unit, I'm pretty sure he remembers you perfectly." Blake said, "Probably not fondly, but perfectly."

 **Tucker:**  Nope.

 **Church:** I saw a canyon, and uh, a waterfall. And there was some kinda dark figure there.

"Does Valhalla count as a canyon?" Yang asked, "I doesn't look anything like Blood Gulch."

"Not all canyons are like Blood Gulch, Yang." Weiss said as she rolled her eyes, "At least Valhalla has water and any other colour other that dirt brown."

"But at least back in Blood Gulch they didn't have to deal with the Meta." Ruby pointed out, "Just idiots, assholes and psychopaths." She added with a grin, "Especially the psychopaths."

 **Caboose:**  Was the dark figure me?

" _Caboose, shut up._ " Noire said.

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, we will let you know if you come up, I promise. A waterfall, huh? That's the second time you've talked about that.

 **Church:**  Yeah, but where could that be?

"Valhalla. Also known as the Reds & the Blues' new bases." Weiss answered.

 **Grif:** Uh, that sounds like our new bases.

_Sarge walking behind Grif._

**Caboose:**  It does? It does!

"He probably just remembered they got new bases." Ruby muttered.

 **Tucker:**  What? Caboose, why didn't you mention that the first time?

"He can't even spell his own initials, what makes you think he'll remember an entirely new location?" Blake said.

 **Caboose:**  Um, I didn't remember it?

 **Tucker:** You didn't remember a waterfall? Dude, that's like not remembering your first girlfriend turned out to have a dick. Right Grif?

Suddenly, in almost all their heads, glass shattered as their eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. They just stared at blankly at the screen for a few moments before someone said anything, "I-I-Is that ev-even possible!?" Ruby exclaimed. WBY & Noire didn't immediately respond to this as each member had their own thoughts.

Yang thought about giving a BS answer to protect her little sister's crumbling innocence.

Blake blushed as she had read… quite a few hermaphrodite/futa-smut in her books. (AN: *cough* RWBY M-Rated archive *cough*)

Noire just giggled perversely as she drooled and stared off into space.

And Weiss, well, she came to a conclusion she never would've came to until now.

"Well, my dear Miss Ruby Rose, there may be  _someone_ with such a condition; and we are sitting right next to that probability RIGHT NOW!" the Heiress yelled out as she turned her head towards Noire as the others followed her gaze,

"Oh… so that's where her shock collar is." Yang said,

" _Uknown Reclusive Eternally Ticklish Hazardous Retractable Area_." Noire said tonelessly,

"AND I WAS-Wait, what? What was that?"

" _Unknown Reclusive Eternally Ticklish Hazardous Retractable Area_.  _My shock collar is there_.  _Happy_?"

"…What the fuck is that?" Ruby asked as everyone tilted their heads to the side, curious what that meant,

" _I'm sure some fucker will figure it out_." Noire said, ' _Thank you Mr. Crowley54 for the joke._ '

 **Grif:**  Sometimes I'm sorry I even told you that story.

"' _Sometimes'_!?" The girls exclaimed,

"You know, I'm starting to wonder if we're ever gonna stop being amazed about how fucked up RvB is." Blake admitted, "And how it's making us go insane."

" _Yeah, and I want Tucker to take my virginity._ " Noire said with an eye roll, " _Not everyone can achieve their dreams_."

"Yeah!" Yang called out, before realizing what Noire just said, "Wait, what was that?" And with that, Noire grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Drink Your Ovaltine)**

" _I don't know what this 'ovaltine' is_." Noire admitted,

"You aren't very smart, are you Noire." Yang said with a smirk,

" _Look, you have your Street Smarts, Weiss has her Academic Smarts, Blake has her Faunus Smarts, Ruby has her Weapons Smarts and I have my Sex Smarts. Everyone's a genius in their own way, it's just not traditionally. Post-modernism, bitch._ "

'I don't think that counts.' Blake thought with a sweatdrop.

_Fade in to Sarge and Grif in the desert._

**Sarge:**  Hmm.

 **Grif:**  Hey Sarge, what's wrong?

 **Sarge:**  I don't like this, Grif.

"You don't like a lot of things, Sarge." Weiss said, "Actually, you're talking to your Number One from your 'Must-Shoot-In-The-Face' list."

 **Grif:**  What, the vision?

_Cut to Tucker talking to Caboose_

**Tucker:**  ( _from afar_ ) It's a waterfall, it's literally impossible to forget! Like girlfriend dick!

The RWBYs, out of morbid curiousity, decided to picture one in their heads. To make a long, horrifying, fear inducing story short, they mentally scarred for life.

_Cut back to Sarge and Grif_

**Sarge:**  Yeah. I've never been what you'd call a "new age" kinda guy.

"Wow, we haven't noticed." Ruby said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif:**  You don't say.

 **Sarge:**  But this bowling ball seems to be on a heck of a roll! Pun intended.

Yang put her index finger to her lips, before putting it to her left ass cheek and making a sizzling sound. Weiss responded by just shaking her head in shame.

' _Thank you FredFuch86 for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

 **Sarge:** What with the flying and the laser shooting and all.

 **Grif:**  And he can lift stuff without arms. That's pretty cool.

"Telekinesis is pretty fucking awesome." Weiss said as she used her glyphs to play around with the remote, "I wonder what else that thing can do."

 **Sarge:**  That too. What if there's something to this whole vision thing? We need to call Simmons. Find out if he's seen anything out of the ordinary.

"Oh, Simmons has definitely seen something out of the ordinary." Yang said, "A lot of things out of the ordinary."

"I think everything the Reds & Blues do is out of the ordinary." Blake muttered,

" _Blake, everything **we** do is out of the ordinary._" Noire pointed out, " _Seriously, like, have you not been paying attention for the last 7 to 8 weeks_?"

"Sorry, I was too busy dealing with your bullshit to notice." Noire was going to retort but then she saw the playful look in Blake's eye,

" _You know what Pussy_?  _You win this round._ " Blake smiled before going back to looking at the screen, " _Plus, I have a year's worth of Blake-mail on you. Let me remind you that I am the manifestation of your desires._ "

"Well, I desire for you to bring it, motherfucker."

" _Wouldn't have it any other way._ " Noire replied with a smirk," _Unless you went both ways. Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

*BZZZzzzzz…*

'Oh fuck.' RWBY thought as they heard the shock collar fizzle out from wherever it was,

" _Holy shit, this thing actually runs out of batteries_?" Noire muttered while looking down before shaking her head and pumping her fist, " _I-I-I mean, I totally planned this. Yep, totally calculated. I made you activate my shock collar around my Unknown Reclusive Eternally Ticklish Hazardous Retractable Area all the time so it'll run out of juice. You fell right into my trap._ "

"And your trap involves you getting shocked so many times that your crotch set on fire?" Ruby deadpanned, "Where  _is_  your shock collar anyway?"

" _Oh, wouldn't you like to know._ " Noire growled. Ruby looked away from the perverted cat girl, not wanting to meet her gaze,

'What did I do?'Ruby thought as she looked down at her feet.

 **Grif:**  How? Our long range radio here got destroyed, and we don't have enough signal power in the jeeps to reach him.

 **Sarge:**  I think I have an idea how to fix that.

"How? I'm pretty sure the Rouges destroyed their radios and I don't see anything else that might help." Blake said, "Unless they power the radio with solar power. There's plenty of that in the desert."

_Cut to Simmons and Doc being held prisoner at Valhalla by Wash and the Meta_

**Doc:**  Hh, mm. Ow my head. Oh.

 **Simmons:**  Doc, you're alive. Good.

"Yeah. We've already had enough deaths in the Reds & Blues." Weiss said as everyone sighed.

 **Doc:**  Yeah, no thanks to you. Why'd you hit me?

"I don't think Simmons can hit someone hard enough to knock them out." Yang said, "He'd probably break his arm against the visor."

 **Simmons:**  I didn't hit you, they did.

 **Doc:**  Jerks. Who're they?

"Jerks." The RWBYs and Noire answered.

 **Simmons:**  The dark one's Washington. He's a Freelancer.

"Now turned into a fucking traitor." Ruby growled, "Seriously, he didn't need to kill Donut! Caboose trusts you! We trusted you! Caboose would gladly give you Epsilon if you ask! But now you go fuck it up!"

" _His cunt is **so** gonna be filled with karma._" Noire muttered.

 **Doc:**  Great. 'Cause those guys are always such a blast to hang around with.

"It's nice to see Doc have a sense of humour, even in a high-stress situation." Weiss admitted.

 **Simmons:**  The big one, we call the Meta.

 **Doc:**  But rumor had it those guys were disbanded. Everyone went to jail.

"Or died. Or went into hiding. Or got murdered by the Meta." Yang added, "Take your pick."

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, well I guess they got paroled.

 **Washington:**  You two, quiet.

_The Meta growls incomprehensibly as it sparks and fizzles_

" _It_   _looks like the Meta is still trying to use its equipment_." Noire said, " _But it's useless to it unless it has an A.I to help it run it_."

"But, isn't the Meta a genius?" Ruby pointed out,

"I guess it relied so much on its A.I, it can't even function normally without them." Weiss guessed.

 **Washington:**  Then you need to stop trying to use all of them. You just don't have the resources anymore.

 **Simmons:**  Meta killed a bunch of other Freelancers. Took their equipment.

 **Doc:**  Like the invisibility?

"Yeah, and a lot of other stuff from other Freelancers we haven't seen." Blake said.

 **Simmons:** Yeah, and the shield and the thing that slows down time. He also stole their A.I. fragments, but those all got wiped out.

" _Good thing too. Sure, Church & Tex had to die but there's no victory without sacrifice_." Noire said in a solemn tone.

 **Simmons:** Now something seems, I don't know, wrong with him.

"Because there was nothing wrong with the Meta before." Yang said sarcastically.

 **Doc:**  An A.I. fragment? That I remember. Hey Simmons, remember that A.I. I had for a while? That thing was crazy.

_The Meta growls and approaches Doc_

**Doc:**  Yipes!

"He said had, idiot!" Weiss shouted out.

 **Washington:**  Halt. Meta, stop!

"He doesn't have an A.I! O'Malley was wiped out along with the others!" Yang called out.

 **Doc:**  Wyaa! Simmons, help me!

 **Washington:**  You, what did you just say?

 **Doc:**  Tht-tht-tht-tht-tht-that I had one of your A.I. units?

"And what a fun couple of seasons that was." Blake muttered

_The Meta grunts_

**Washington:**  Stand down. You said 'had'. Where is it now?

"Probably in Hell, but don't go to Hell so I gonna go with in the Recycle Bin." Ruby answered.

 **Doc:**  Gone.

 **Washington:**  Which one?

 **Doc:**  Uh, uh ub, the mean one.

" _I'm sure there are a couple of A.I that are mean_." Noire said as she rubbed her chin, " _I mean, it is we're talking about_."

 **Washington:**  Its name. Did you know its name?

 **Doc:**  Uh, O'Malley. I mean uh, Omega.

 **Washington:**  Well that one's been accounted for.

 **Doc:**  I-I only had it for a short time.

"Well, if you count three seasons as a short time." Yang muttered,

"Well, to us it's been 3 seasons, but really it was only about a few weeks at most." Blake pointed out to her partner.

 **Washington:**  Well then good. You know what to look for. I need a complete scan of my friend here. And I would recommend you don't use any needles. He hates needles, and we wouldn't wanna make him angry, now would we?

" _Why_   _does Wash want Doc to examine the Meta? The only thing wrong with it is that it's trying use its equipment without A.I_." Noire asked,

"Well, considering that the Meta ate bullets, I'm guessing self-preservation isn't a priority." Weiss answered.

_Sarge and Grif are at the jeep, and Church is at the top of the radio antenna_

"Oh… so that's how they're boosting the signal." Ruby said, "They're shoving the antenna up Church's ass."

 **Sarge:**  Alright let's try this. You ready antenna ball?

 **Church:**  I told you not to call me that! And hurry it up. This metal rod isn't exactly in a comfortable place.

" _I should know._ " Noire said as she shivered.

 **Grif:**  Hey, do you wanna find out about your vision or don't ya?

_Radio sounds_

**Sarge:**  Come in Valhalla Outpost Number One. Come in! Red Base, do you read me? Come in! Give me some more power, shot-put.

"He is really pumping out those ball names, huh?" Blake said, "I think he's trying to milk this whole Church-is-a-ball thing."

"Um, if Sarge is calling Red Base, isn't he gonna find out that Simmons is in trouble?" Ruby asked

"Well, it's obvious that they're gonna make Simmons answer the call and say everything's fine just to keep them in the dark about the whole thing. Maybe ambush them when they arrive." Weiss guessed, "They're gonna walk right into a trap if they don't figure it out."

"Well, we should be as quiet as possible and see if things go well or not." Yang suggested. Everyone nodded as they tried to keep quiet for the conversation.

_Simmons' voice is heard on the radio_

**Simmons:**  ( _over radio_ ) Uh, Sarge? Yeah, hi.

 **Sarge:**  Who is this, identify yourself.

 **Simmons:**  ( _over radio_ ) It's me, Simmons. Sorry Sir.

 **Sarge:**  How is everything going there, Simmons?

 **Simmons:**  ( _over radio_ ) Here? Uh, fine I guess. Everything's good. How 'bout you guys?

 **Sarge:**  Mission is complete. We're preparing to head out soon.

 **Simmons:**  ( _over radio_ ) What was that? Sorry, some static here. This radio's a little messed up. Been a bit rainier here.

 **Sarge:**  I said, we're comin' back soon.

 **Simmons:**  ( _over radio_ ) Oh, that's great. Hey, when do you think that'll be, exactly.

 **Sarge:**  Hard to say, Simmons. We'll let you know.

_Cut to Simmons at the radio with a gun to his head_

**Simmons:**  Okay Sarge, sounds good.

 **Sarge:**  ( _over radio_ ) Over and out.

"Man, Simmons sounded so fake during that whole thing." Ruby said, "No less suspicious as Hell."

"Well, he did have a gun to his head. And I'm pretty sure Simmons isn't an actor." Weiss told her partner.

 **Washington:** Okay good. Now get back over there.

_Simmons retreats back to Doc_

**Doc:**  That was your Sergeant?

 **Simmons:**  Yeah.

 **Doc:**  You think he'll come help us?

"I don't think so. There was nothing there to even hint at them being captured." Blake answered.

 **Simmons:**  No, I couldn't say anything to him. If they come, they'll be walking straight into a trap.

_Back to the desert_

**Grif:**  Thanks for the help.

" _Sorry for the involuntary prostate exam_." Noire apologized.

 **Church:**  Yeah, whatever. I'm not gonna fly straight for a week now.

 **Grif:**  Simmons sounded good. I guess he's got everything under control.

"Uh, no her doesn't." the girls said in a deadpanned tone,

"You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Sarge agreed with him, along with insulting him." Weiss said.

 **Sarge:**  Donut and Lopez are dead and someone has taken Simmons prisoner.

 **Grif:**  What?

"WHAT!?" the RWBYs & Noire cried out. Blake quickly paused the video so they can give freaked out, similar to the faces they gave when they found out that Oobleck is going with them on their first mission some months back before the breach in Vale, "W-Wh-What… how…?"

"He… somehow knew that D-Donut and Lopez are gone?" Weiss managed to let out, still unnerved. The girls had a moment of silence to mourn for the pink clad soldier. After a while, maybe an hour or so, the girls let out a sigh,

" _Let's see what bullshit excuse he has for this deduction._ " Noire said before Blake un-paused the video.

 **Grif:** Everything sounded fine to me.

 **Sarge:**  Think about it. How do you answer the radio at our base?

 **Grif:**  ( _as if he'd done it a million times before_ ) Thank you for calling Red Base, this is Private Grif, how may I assist you today.

"That sounds like he was a 911 operator right there." Yang admitted.

 **Sarge:**  And we've drilled that since day one!

"They do?" Ruby asked, raising an eyebrow.

 **Sarge:** Simmons answered 'Hi.' That was my first clue!

 **Grif:**  So maybe he's just ups-

 **Sarge:**  He also said the radio was in disrepair. When has Lopez EVER let something go without the proper maintenance?

The girls blinked, " _That's …actually a good point_." Noire said. The others just nodded to agree.

 **Grif:**  Never.

 **Sarge:**  And look at the time.

 **Grif:**  Can't, clock's broken.

"Of course." Weiss sighed as she rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge:**  It's 17:30.

"That's 5:30pm in military time." Blake piped in before they resumed watching.

 **Sarge:** And everybody knows that 17:30 is...

 **Grif:**  Donut's daily wine and cheese hour!

"Wine and… cheese?" Weiss repeated, looking repulsed,

"What's wrong with cheese?" Yang asked,

"Uh… nothing." Weiss said as she rubbed the back of her neck, "It just sounded wrong to me is all."

 **Sarge:**  I didn't hear any tinkling glasses. Did you?

 **Grif:**  You're right.

" _At least he's getting it now_." Noire muttered.

 **Sarge:**  He also mentioned that the weather was rainier. And as we all know, Mt. Rainier is the biggest landmass in the state of... Washington.

The girls, aside from Noire, blinked, "…What the Hell is a Mt. Rainer?" Ruby asked,

"I… well, I don't know." Blake admitted, "But from the sound of it, it sounds like a very big mountain."

' _I know a pair of mountains that are also pretty big._ ' Noire thought with a pervert smile. Blake only sighed as she looked at her former other personality before looking back on the screen.

 **Grif:**  We do? Uh uh- I mean we do!

"Nice save." Weiss said sarcastically.

 **Sarge:**  How many Washingtons do we know?

 **Grif:**  Did he mean, Agent Washington?

" _Okay, did he just go all Sherlock Holmes right there_?" Noire asked, raising an eyebrow,

"Who's that?" Ruby asked, "I think I heard about him before."

"Well, Ruby, he's like this super detective that's able to deduce a lot of things in a short span of time." Blake explained,

"Oh. Like Night Owl?"

"Who the Hell is Night Owl?" Yang asked. Ruby then pulled out a comic book out of nowhere and showed her sister the cover. It was just some guy dressed in all black, wearing what looks like a yellow parachute bag and an owl mask that didn't fit with the outfit. He was also holding a pink rocket launcher,

"I found this in the JNPR dorm. He's also a super detective but robs people for a living and his signature weapon is a flare gun! He's also from some weird place called Canaduck. …He isn't a very good super hero."

 **Sarge:**  And who's the biggest mass we know, associated with Washington?

 **Grif:**  The Meta!

 **Sarge:**  So the Meta and Washington have teamed up to kill Donut and Lopez, and now they're holding Simmons and Doc prisoner.

 **Grif:**  We have to help 'em. Wait, Doc? Ha-how do you know he's there?

"I've been wondering about that too." Ruby admitted,

"He probably figured that the Meta needs to be checked up on for abnormalities." Blake guessed, "I mean, that's what Wash basically made Doc do earlier. And also, that's what anyone else would probably do."

 **Sarge:**  Please, Grif, it's so obvious.

"See?"

 **Sarge:** I don't wanna insult your intelligence by explaining every little detail.

The RWBYs and Noire just stared dumbfounded at the TV, each of them experiencing their own level of shock at what Sarge just said, "Did…" Yang found her voice first but her tone couldn't properly explain the amount of bewilderment she was feeling right now, "Did Sargejust… Did fucking  _Sarge_ just burn us!?"

"Yeah." Blake blinked a few times hoping that would clear up anything, "I can't help but feel…"

"Insulted?" Weiss finished off,

"Yep."

" _I feel like we're missing something though_." Noire said,

"Oh yeah…" Ruby said as she rubbed her chin, "Oh! I know!"

"BULLSHIT!" everyone shouted out,

" _You never pass a chance to insult Grif, you asshole_!" Noire added, ' _Thank you Yue Twili for the joke and thank you proverbsrus for the edit. Also, he threw in a joke from rt fan so yeah. Thank you._ '

 **Grif:**  Oh, uh, wuh okay.

 **Sarge:**  Come on-we're going to Valhalla. It's time for a rescue mission!

"So, from a rescue mission to another rescue mission. Man, it's like every other second someone needs to save someone." Blake said, "Well, at least they know what they're walking into."

 **Grif:**  Rescue mission? How the hell are we supposed to fight Wash and the Meta?

"Yeah. Even though they know, they don't really have a chance at facing the Meta and Washington with just the two of them." Weiss said, "They're gonna die unless they have a really good plan."

_Grif and Sarge enter the jeep and drive off_

**Sarge:**  Don't worry, I have a plan. How good are the seatbelts in this new jeep?

 **Grif:**  Good, I guess.

"Wait, why is he asking that?" Ruby asked,

"I swear, if it involves the fucking Chupathingy getting wrecked…" Yang growled.

 **Church:**  Valhalla, huh?

_Church starts following the jeep at a distance_

" _Oh great, they're getting Church into danger now_." Noire said, " _They_   _better not let them grab him_."

" _Seriously, all of this could've been solved if Washington asked for Epsilon_." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:**  Wait, why?

"That's what we're wondering too." Blake said as she passed the remote to Weiss,

"Alright, this is the last one for the set. Anyone going to do something while we set up the next set?" the Heiress asked,

"Oh, right. Noire, after this, I need your help. I just need to do something before we start the next set and it kinda needs two people." Noire narrowed her eyes at Ruby,

" _What is it_?" She asked,

"Look, we're going to get in trouble for ruining the Teacher's lounge and I wanna fix it up before summer ends."

" _Then why don't you ask the others_?  _I don't even know how to use a hammer_!"

"It's only painting over the burns marks and blood, fixing up the ceiling and throwing out everything we broke. It'll only take a second. Come on Noire. Please?" Ruby begged while making the cutest face she could muster,

" _No._ "

"Please?" Ruby then got even cuter,

" _No_!"

"Please?" Ruby then went into Chibi Mode,

" _NO_!"

"Noire, for the love of God, say yes." Yang begged, "I can't handle all this cuteness!"

" _She's not that cute._ " Noire said, before noticing Weiss and Blake holding their weapons to her neck and Yang reloading her shot-gauntlets. Noire just sighed in response, " _Fine. But after that, don't ask me to do anything again until the week is over_."

"Deal." And with that, Weiss pressed play.

**(Upon Further Review)**

_Agent Washington walks up to Doc_

**Washington** : Doc. What did you find in your scan of the Meta?

"Nothing really, just a missing heart." Ruby said, "Maybe Doc should scan you too, just to make sure."

 **Doc** : Umm, it's hard to say. He's added so much non-standard equipment to his armor that I can't really get a good reading on him.

"Well, maybe he should take some of it off." Yang suggested, "He doesn't have any A.I anymore, so it's all basically useless to it now."

"Unless somehow they get another A.I." Blake muttered.

 **Washington** : I didn't ask you to run an intelligence report on him. I wanted a medical one.

 **Doc** : His power systems are stressed from trying to maintain it all. Is he missing some component that controls all this-

 **Washington** : _Physically._  Is he fine, physically?

" _I'm guessing yes, but maybe after all of this you can send the Meta to get therapy_?" Noire suggested, " _Or the electric chair. Anything works really_."

"I'm sure the Meta can survive a couple kilowatts." Blake pointed out,

" _How do you know_?" Blake didn't say anything before showing Noire her shock collar remote before pressing it. Noire flinched but nothing happened,

"Oh shit, I forgot it ran out of batteries."

" _Now, what was the point you were making again_?" Noire said with a smirk as Blake groaned,

"You think a taser would charge her shock collar back up?" Yang whispered into Weiss' ear,

"But we don't know where it is." Weiss whispered back,

" _Unknown Reclusive Eternally Ticklish Hazardous Retractable Area_ ~" Noire sang out,

"SHUT UP!"

 **Doc** : Yeah, I guess.

 **Washington** : Good. Next time answer the question I ask. I'm watching you two. Give me any trouble and you're dead. Don't believe me? Ask your buddy about his friend Donut.

"STOP KILLING PEOPLE, ASSHOLE!" Ruby shouted out as the girls held her back so she couldn't destroy the TV.

 **Doc** : ( _to Simmons_ ) Hey, he does realize that I'm the one who scanned Donut's dead body, right?

 **Simmons** : I think he was just making a point. Hey! I have an idea! Give me your scanner.

 **Doc** : My scanner? Why? It can't be used as a weapon.

"Unless you bash someone in the head with it." Yang added.

 **Simmons** : Maybe it can. If I can overload the power-cell, you may be able it will be able to fire an over-charged burst. It could short out the Meta's systems,

"Well, the Plasma Pistol is commonly used to disable vehicles in Halo and the Meta is a fucking tank." Weiss said.

 **Simmons:** Either that or...

 **Doc** : Or what?

 **Simmons:**  Huh? What? Na na na na, No 'or', just that, forget the 'or'.

" _Simmons_ …" Noire said in a tone a mother would use to get their kid to tell the truth.

 **Doc** : You were going to say explode, weren't you?

 **Simmons** : ...Nooooo.

 **Doc** : Were you thinking explode?

"He was definitely thinking explode." Blake deadpanned.

 **Simmons** : Just give me the damn scanner.

_Washington and the Meta spot Sarge from across the canyon._

**Sarge** : Oh, Simmons… Simmons… Where are you? Yoo-hoo.

"Alright, let's see what Sarge has planned." Yang muttered as she leaned back on the couch.

 **Washington** : Looks like just one of them.

 **Meta** : ( _growls in response)_

 **Washington** : I don't know if he has it. I can't see from this far.

"I don't think they'll recognize Epsilon while he's in his ball form unless he speaks." Blake said, "They better finish this fast before Church arrives."

 **Meta** : ( _growls in response)_

 **Washington** : No you stay here, guard these two. I'll go out there.

"How is Washington able to translate what the Meta 'says'? It's all just growls to us." Weiss asked,

" _Well, they are both insane_ …" Noire replied.

 **Meta** : ( _growls in response)_

 **Washington** : If he gives me any trouble, just kill the prisoners and come help me.

"Washington, we need to discuss about your murder habits." Ruby said in a calm tone, "Luckily, we have something that'll help with that. So do you want in your head, up your ass or to your non-existent nuts?"

"Uh… wow Ruby." Yang said, surprised with what her little sister just said, "Where did that come from?"

"…I need to stop reading X-Ray & Vav."

"I heard they have a TV show now." Blake spoke up,

"Yep. And I  _really_ wanna watch it."

"Maybe when we get out of here, we'll go into Vale and see if we can find a DVD release." Weiss said before they went back to watching.

 **Doc** : I hope your friend doesn't give him any trouble.

 **Simmons:**  If it's one of my friends, he won't stand a chance.

" _I don't know, after the whole thing with Sarge pulling off a Sherlock Holmes I'm not so sure_." Noire said.

 **Meta** : ( _growls at the two)_

_Cut to the desert_

**Tucker** : YO! Dudes! Sarge! Grif! Where'd you go? Aw, great.

"Oh right. Kinda forgot about Tucker & Caboose. I guess they have to deal with the aliens by themselves." Weiss said,

"Without Church." Blake pointed out,

"Just get an instruction manual on how to accidentally build a bookshelf and say it was sent from Church." Yang spoke up.

 **Caboose:** Hey, Tucker

 **Tucker** :  _(faces the other way)_  Yeah, what's up dude?

 **Caboose:** Have you seen Church?

 **Tucker** : No, I'm looking for the red guys.

"Who Church is with." Ruby added.

 **Tucker:** Looks like the fixed one of the jeeps and took off.

 **Caboose:** Oh, well that's not good.

 **Tucker** : Maybe Church went with them, or maybe they took him, I don't know dude.

 **Caboose:** Oh, I wouldn't say that. I don't think that would happen.

" _Wait, why_?" Noire asked.

 **Tucker** : ( _turning around_ ) What? How the fuck would you know?

_The aliens are standing behind Caboose._

"Oh..." The RWBYs and Noire said as they all leaned back,

"Yeah… I think the aliens are gonna be pissed." Yang said as everyone gulped.

 **Caboose:** 'Cause if he was gone, I think some people who were looking for him might be really mad that he's not here and we might have to explain to those people why he's not here and those people might not like our explanation and those people might hurt us with plasma guns and plasma grenades.

 **Tucker** : Oh… right…

 **Caboose:** I mean the Aliens.

"Yeah, we kinda figured that out Caboose." Blake said.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, I figured that out.

" _Welp, the Blues are going to die_." Noire muttered.

_Back to Valhalla_

**Sarge** : Maroon 1, Maroon 1, where are you?

 **Washington** : Great, this guy. ( _Walking up to Sarge)_  Freeze! Stay where you are. Turn around.

 **Sarge** : Well, well. If it isn't our good buddy, Agent Washington. And just what are you doing here?

"Oh, he just came to visit and murder some of your teammates." Ruby answered, "I'm sure Sarge will repay you somehow."

 **Washington** : Don't play dumb with me Sarge. I think you know why I'm here. Where's the rest of your guys? Where's Epsilon?

 **Sarge** : Someplace safe.

"And probably near." Blake answered.

 **Washington** : You can either tell me, or you can tell the Meta back at the base.

 **Sarge** : The Meta is here?

 **Washington** : Yes, and he really wants a chance to repay you guys for all the trouble you caused him.

" _Um, let me remind you caused him some of that trouble. Actually, I think you caused majority of it._ " Noire pointed out, " _And you are the reason it doesn't have any A.I anymore and is basically just as worthless as you are._ "

 **Sarge** : I seemed to recall you caused him some of that trouble yourself.

 **Washington** : Situation's changed. Now drop your weapons.

_Sarge drops his shotgun and Washington picks it up. Sarge only has his Magnum now._

**Sarge** : Just so you know, I'm going to want that back in a minute.

"Sarge, I hope you know what you're doing." Yang said as everyone leaned in closer to the TV.

 **Washington** : I said, drop your weapon.

 **Sarge** : All my weapons?

 **Washington** : Yes.

 **Sarge** : You sure? Maybe I can just keep the pistol. You know these things aren't effective as they used to be.

"And I'm sure he doesn't keep it loaded." Weiss said, "Actually, I'm actually kinda surprised he even has a side arm at all."

 **Washington** : Drop it. Now!

_Sarge drops his Magnum._

**Sarge** : That's what people say.

" _Yeah, all the hip and young kids who sleep with your mum_." Noire muttered.

 **Washington** : Good. Now march.

 **Sarge** : Son. You can insult me, you can ambush me, you can even take away my weapons. But if you think I'm going to set one single pinky toe inside Blue Base without my "shotgun", you must not know who you're dealing with.

 **Washington** : I said move.

"And I say 'Up yours'." Weiss said as she used the universal hand sign for "Fuck You".

 **Sarge** : And I said "shotgun".

 **Washington** : Yes… I have your shotgun.

 **Sarge** : No, I mean, "shotgun".

"Why do you keep saying 'shotgun'? What, is that the codeword for Grif to give you another shotgun?" Yang said.

 **Washington** : What is this? You think I'm going to give you back your shotgun because you asked?

 **Sarge** : I said "shotgun"! ( _Faces the wall)_ " _Shotgun_ ", damn it!

"Wait, why is he looking at a wall?" Blake asked, but didn't get an answer.

 **Grif** : ( _From behind the wall)_  Oh, yeah! Shotgun. That's my cue.

"Wait, what the Hell is going on? What is Sarge doing!?" Ruby exclaimed.

 **Washington** : What? Wait, what're you up to? What is that noise? Do I hear a...

_Suddenly the wall explodes into pieces as, like a wrecking ball, the Warthog bursts straight through it, with Grif behind the wheel! Sarge quickly dives out of the way, but Wash is taken completely by surprise. All in slow motion._

"Son of a bitch!" (Ruby)

"Holy shit!" (Weiss)

"What the Hell!?" (Blake)

"OH FUCK!" (Yang)

" _That's a car_!" (Noire)

 **Washington** : ...CAR?!

_Time speeds up as the Warthog smashes right into him and drags him under the bumper._

"OH! That's gonna leave a mark." Ruby said as she winced, "Nice one Grif!"

"So that explains why this is the cover…" Weiss muttered as she looked at the Revelation DVD case,

"I don't think this is just a machinima anymore." Blake said, still in shock both from the change in animation and the sudden car going through the wall,

"Holy shit, this is going to be so fucking awesome!" Yang said excitedly,

" _And it's only going to get better from here_!" Noire told everyone as they continued watching.

 **Grif** : How's my bumper taste, asshole?!

"I don't think it's over yet." Weiss said.

_Washington sticks his hand over the front of the Warthog along with a scare cord._

"OH SHIT!" Yang exclaimed as everyone jumped in their seats, "Washington can take as much hits as the Meta!"

" _No wonder they're working together_." Noire muttered.

 **Grif** : Uh, oh!

_With some effort and a near slip, Wash pulls himself onto the bonnet and raises his battle rifle._

"That is definitely not good." Blake said, "You may wanna duck now."

 **Grif** : Oh, no!

_Grif ducks down sideways behind the dashboard as Wash opens fire, shattering the windscreen._

' _React Watch Believe…_ ' Noire thought.

 **Grif** : Yikes!

" _Nailed it_!" Noire said as pumped her fist, earning her weird looks.

_Quickly Grif slams his foot onto all six pedals at once and the Warthog swerves round sideways, launching Wash off the bonnet and across the valley._

"And that's why they have six pedals!" Yang called out, "To throw dicks off their windshield!"

_As he flies, Wash tosses his rifle aside and draws out the shotgun, but as he passes a large boulder, Sarge snatches the gun back from him in midair._

**Washington** : Huh?!

 **Sarge** : See? Told you I'd get it back.

"Okay, that was fucking awesome." Weiss admitted.

_Washington crashes into a pile of Fusion Coils._

"Hey… don't those things explode?" Ruby asked rhetorically as she smirked,

" _I don't recall_." Noire replied as she smirked as well, " _Maybe we should get a reminder._ "

"Oh, like Hell I'm gonna miss this." Ruby said as she threw some popcorn into her mouth.

_Grif drives to the rock Sarge was standing on and Sarge hops in the passenger seat._

**Grif** : How 'bout next time we use a code word, we choose something you don't say every five seconds?

"Just drive, Grif. You can complain later, you guys have a Freelancer to explode." Yang said.

 **Sarge** : Just drive, numbnuts.

_Washington staggers to his feet, dazed, as Grif drives in a big circle and heads towards him. Sarge stands up from the "shotgun seat", and aims his shotgun one handed at Washington._

**Sarge** : Agent Wash…

 **Washington** : Son of a bitch.

 **Sarge** : You just got-

"SARGE'D!" the RWBYs and Noire shouted out.

_Fires his shotgun and sets off the Fusion Coils, blowing up everything._

" _And may your cunt be filled with karma, asshole_!" Noire added in.

 **Sarge** : Ah, damn it. I messed up my one-liner!

"I have a feeling this is going to be our favourite season." Ruby said, with everyone nodding in agreement, "And now, to save Simmons and Doc from the Meta."

_Cut to the Meta_

**Simmons** : Ok, now's our chance Doc! Hit him with an overcharge. It should overload at least one of his systems.

"Hopefully, life support." Blake muttered.

 **Doc** : Um, you do it.

 **Simmons** : What? Me? I don't even know how to fire that thing.

 **Doc** : Just pull the trigger and let go. It's super easy.

"I think Simmons doesn't want it to explode in his hands." Weiss said, "Then again, Doc is the only one with medical experience and he kinda needs his hands."

 **Simmons** : No, no, no. You're trained with it. You do it. Go!

 **Doc** : What if I miss?! What if it doesn't do anything but make him mad. I already made him mad once and that really didn't work out really well.

 **Simmons** : We… well, then we'll improvise.

"Usually when people 'improvise', that means panic and run." Blake said, "Had plenty of experience with that when I was in the White Fang."

 **Doc** : Yeah, I don't feel very comfortable with that answer.

_They see an explosion in the distance_

**Doc** : What the heck was that?

" _The best sequence in Red vs Blue history_." Noire answered.

 **Simmons** : Uh oh. I just have a bad feeling someone just caused him trouble.

_The Meta faces the two as Doc charges the overcharge_

**Simmons** : Oh no, improvise, improvise!

"Alright, set's done." Weiss said as she turned off the TV,

"Great. C'mon Noire." Ruby said as she stood up and grabbed Noire's hand,

" _I'm have to remind you that I-_ " Noire cut off as Ruby used her Semblance to get to Teacher's Lounge as fast as she could,

"I wonder what this Phase of Ruby is." Blake muttered,

"Well, according to my list, it was supposed to be the Black*Star Phase." Yang said as she started crossing off all the Phases that had already passed, "But this Ruby seems pretty normal."

"You know, there has to be something wrong with this Ruby." Weiss spoke up,

"How do you know?" Yang asked,

"I don't know, it's just this gut feeling I have." Weiss then looked out the window and gazed at the early morning sky, "I don't know how, I don't know when, but we're going to find out what's wrong with this Ruby."

" _OH MY GOD_!  _YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS_!" Noire's voice echoed throughout the school, " _I SWE-Wait, what's that_?  _Oh no, you're not-OH DEAR GOD_!"

"…I think this is a good opportunity to see what's wrong with this Ruby." Blake stated,

"Yeah…" Yang replied,

"That's a good idea." Weiss said. The girls stayed in the dorm for a few moments in silence as they tried to figure out what to do,

"...Wanna go save Noire?"

"I'll go get her porn."

"And I'll get her beer."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	64. Off (Recovering One, Fourth and Twenty, Towing Package)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes an dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

" _GET OFF ME_!"

"NEVER!"

" _I WILL KILL THE FUCK OUT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET OFF_!"

"YOU'VE GOTTEN OFF TO ME 69 TIMES THIS MORNING!"

"… _Too far dude._ "

"Yeah… I'm ashamed of myself now."

" _Do you wanna get off me anytime soon_?"

"NEVER!"

That was pretty much everything Weiss, Blake and Yang heard from outside the door apart from the sounds of Ruby and Noire's struggling and the occasional gunshot. They even swore they heard an explosion or two on the way to the Teacher's Lounge, "Remind us again why we're here?" Weiss asked,

"It's one of life's greatest mysteries, Princess." Yang replied, "But if you want an actual answer, to save Noire from Ruby." Just as she finished that sentence, there was another explosion, "Huh, never thought I'd say that in my lifetime."

"Who cares? Let's just get this over with so we can get back to watching." Blake said as she put her hand on the doorknob, "On three." Yang and Weiss nodded as they took their places, "One. Two. THREE!" They all gave out a battle cry as Blake opened the door and charged into the Teacher's Lounge.

Only to see Ruby & Noire frozen, with Ruby on back Noire's trying to pull a black sweater (well, at least a less revealing sweater) over her head.

"… _I don't have a penis_." Noire said after about a minute of silence,

"You so do." Ruby said before Noire forced her off her back,

" _No I don't_!"

"Yes you do!"

" _No I don't_!"

"Both of you, shut the hell up!" Blake shouted out before turning to Ruby, "Ruby, I thought you were going to fix the Teacher's Lounge!"

"But we did." Ruby answered,

"Well I don't-" Blake then stopped herself when she looked around, "What the-the fuck, how did you fix this place so fast!?" Blake exclaimed. Everything had been fixed, from the collapsed roof to even Ozpin's coffee maker. It was like the Warthogs vs Puma war never happened in the first place, "Seriously, in all that it physically possible, what the actual fuck?"

"It was only a few minutes…" Yang muttered as she and Weiss looked around in disbelief,

" _A few minutes to you. We had, like, a month to do it._ " Noire mumbled to herself before sighing, " _That's what you get for having a lazy author_."

"What was that Noire?" Ruby asked with a raised eyebrow,

" _Don't talk to me, bitch_." Noire politely replied,

"Ouch. That actually kinda hurts Noire." Ruby said in monotone voice, "I think I almost shed a tear right there.  _Almost_." WBY raised an eyebrow at Ruby's response,

"Okay, now that's cold." Yang said, "Even for Weiss."

"Hey!" The Heiress exclaimed,

"Oh, would you just shut the fuck up Ya-" Ruby the paused mid-sentence as her widened, "Eep!" The Red Leader squeaked out before pulling out a smoke bomb from out of nowhere and threw it down, causing smoke to go everywhere, "S-S-Sorry." Ruby stuttered out from… everywhere,

"I got this." Weiss said before using some Wind Dust to clear the smoke and quickly noticed the absence of red,

" _Isn't_   _this familiar, Pussy Cat_?" Noire teased as Blake groaned,

"Oh dear God, we're going through them again." Weiss muttered,

"This time, all at once." Yang added as she slumped down,

"I-I-I'm so-s-s-so-sorry…" Ruby said before she started sobbing, "OH DEAR GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?" Ruby shouted out before leaving her hiding spot and hugging Yang,

" _Well…_ " Noire started before quickly shutting up when she saw Blake and Weiss glare at her,

"There, there, Ruby. There, there." Yang comforted her little sister. After a few minutes, Ruby had stopped crying and just enjoyed the hug. Then she started  _enjoying_ the hug, "Okay, Ruby, that's enough now."

"Just, just give me a minute." Ruby said as she tried to memorize the feeling, "Oh… this is nice. Really, really nice." That's when Yang decided enough was enough and push Ruby away, "Aw…"

"Wait, why were you trying to get Noire in a sweater?" Weiss asked, remembering what was happening beforehand,

"Because she looked cold." Ruby answered without hesitation, "Anyway, we still need to fix the Teacher's Lounge so would you kindly leave right now?"

"But the place is fixed." Weiss pointed out. Literally 2 seconds later, part of the ceiling collapsed behind Noire,

"…Goddamn it Noire." Ruby muttered,

" _Why are you blaming me_!?  _You were the one who_ …" At that point, the others decided it was a good time to get the fuck out and leave them to their bickering,

"Well, that was… fuck, I can't even call that a thing." Yang said as they walked out of the room and back to the dorm,

"Do you guys want me to pay for our therapy after all of this is over?" Weiss asked,

"Yeah, that would be nice." Blake said. They walked in silence for a few minutes before Yang stopped,

"Okay, that's it. I want answers." Yang said,

"Huh?" Weiss said as she raised an eyebrow,

"Weiss, Noire has been here for weeks and all we really know about her is that she likes children and is a pervert. I want details, why she's here and who the fuck gave her a body! Seriously, ever since we got trapped here I feel like everything we know is falling apart and all we care about is what happens in the next episode from DVDs Ruby found in the basement back at home! And for the love of God, only JNPR knows we're even in here!"

"What can we do Yang? I want to leave and get some answers too but there are no exits out of here and I don't even understand Noire. And she was my other personality for fuck's sake!" Blake pointed out,

"Pussy Cat, this isn't about escaping before the end of the summer. I have given up on that since Reconstruction. No, this is about getting the answers we deserve. I swear on my mother's name that we will-"

(Exactly 12 seconds later)

"What were we doing again?" Yang asked as everybody got ready for the next set,

"Meh, we'll remember eventually." Blake muttered.

(One year later)

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

(Back to the present)

"You got Noire to wear the sweater, huh?" Weiss said as she noticed Noire shivering in her new turtleneck sweater, "How did you do it?"

"Let's just say it took a lot of convincing." Ruby answered with a smile, "And hugs. Lots and lots of hugs."

"And I'm assuming blackmail as well?" Blake asked,

"Maybe." Ruby replied, trying to look as innocent as possible,

" _Just start the fucking episode already_." Noire muttered as she crossed her arms,

"Someone's on her period today." Yang joked,

" _Trust me, if I could actually have a period I would be a lot worse than this._ "

"Sure, whatever." Yang said as she rolled her eyes, "Wait, what?"

"Okay, time to start the next episode!" Ruby declared before pressing play.

**(Recovering One)**

_Fade in to Church entering the giant hole Grif and the jeep blew in canyon wall._

**Church:**  Whoa. Guess they came this way.

"What was your first clue?" Weiss muttered.

 **Church:** Hm h-hm hm hm hm hmm.

_Back to Simmons and Doc_

**Simmons:**  Okay, now's our chance Doc, hit him with an overcharge. It should overload at least one of his systems.

"Hopefully the life support systems." Blake said as she crossed her fingers,

"I'm pretty sure the Meta can survive without his its systems." Yang pointed out,

"I wouldn't even be surprised if we found out its life support systems failed a long time ago." Ruby admitted.

 **Doc:**  Um, you do it.

 **Simmons:**  What- me? I don't even know how to fire that thing.

 **Doc:**  Just pull the trigger and let go, it's super easy.

" _But there's always that over-looming chance that it's going to explode in Doc's hands._ " Noire pointed out, " _Thus ending his pathetic excuse of a medical career._ "

 **Simmons:**  No no no, you're trained with it, you should do it. Go.

 **Doc:**  What if I miss? What if it doesn't do anything but make him mad? I already made it mad once and that didn't really work out very well.

 **Simmons:**  Whuga-what- well then just, we'll improvise.

"In other terms; use Doc as a meat shield." Ruby said before giggling creepily, "A very moist, succulent meat shield." And with that, the other girls decided to shift the fuck away from their leader,

'Okay, where did the cannibal thing come from?' Weiss thought.

 **Doc:**  Yeah I don't feel entirely comfortable with that answer.

_The fusion coils blow up in the distance_

**Doc:**  What the heck was that?

"The most awesome fight sequence in the history of Red vs Blue!" Yang answered,

"And it only gets more awesome from there!" Blake added in.

 **Simmons:**  Uh oh, I have a bad feeling that someone just caused him trouble.

 **Doc:**  Yeuu!

 **Simmons:**  Oh no, improvise, improvise!

_As the Meta charges towards them, Doc raises his scanner and pulls the trigger. Suddenly a blast of green energy shoots out from the scanner and hits the Meta square on the chest, sending him and his brute shot flying backwards against the wall._

" _Holy shit, that actually worked_." Noire said, surprised that Simmons' modification to Doc's medical scanner worked,

"It only disarmed the Meta and stunned it. It isn't going to kill it but it'll give them a chance to escape." Weiss told the perverted cat girl.

_With an angry growl, the Meta gets to his feet, his armor sparking with green electricity, and charges at Doc again._

**Doc:** Uh- whng-

_The Meta slows down almost to nothing_

"What the hell!?" Team RWBY and Noire exclaimed,

"Did Doc just lock up the Meta's armour!?" Yang shouted out, "Okay, I have to get one of those medical scanners."

"That would be helpful with the mechs." Ruby muttered before switching to Delta Ruby, "I believe having modified medical scanners would help people in the battlefield and help take down mechas and other types of machinery safely without injury."

 **Doc:**  Am I dead? Am I dead?

 **Simmons:**  Doc, you did it!

 **Doc:** He's frozen.

"Wait, no. Look." Blake said as she looked closer. The girls then noticed that the Meta wasn't frozen, but just moving slowly.

 **Simmons:**  No, it looks like you overloaded his time distortion unit. You must have caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow.

"Wyoming, still fucking over people from the grave." Weiss stated.

 **Doc:**  Huh huh, yeah! Score one for the pacifist. How you like me now, Meta?

 **Simmons:**  Um, Doc? I wouldn't get too close to him if I were you.

" _Why_?  _He's moving at 0.000000000000001km per hour! It'll take literally a year for the Meta to move five inches_!" Noire called out, " _Or even slower_!"

 **Doc:**  Why, what's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?

"That sounds even more painful Doc." Weiss pointed out as she winced, "Yang, you should know a thing or two about that. How are your ex-boyfriends doing anyway?"

"Hopefully, eating solid food with their new jaw and pooping with their new ass." Yang answered with a proud smile on her face and her hands on her hips.

 **Simmons:**  Well, technically he's not actually moving slower, he's moving at the same speed just over a longer period of time.

 **Doc:** Huh?

"What?" The RWBYs and Noire said as they tilted their heads to the side with confused looks on their faces.

 **Simmons:**  It's relativistic. His fist still travels at the same velocity, we just view it from a faster timeframe. Therefore it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should still carry the same force.

"Uh… in English, please. All I heard was nerd." Yang said with a confused look on her face,

"In other words the Meta's fist, while extremely slow in their perspective, should still pack the same power as if he was moving at regular speed. Which is a lot." Weiss explained, "If you want a comparison…"

"A sloth that hits like a meteorite hurtling towards Remnant." Ruby quickly added,

"Thank you Miss T'Ambrose."

"You are welcome Miss Schnee. Combat Skirts Forever."

"Fuck yeah." Weiss said they high fived.

 **Doc:**  ...Nah, see? It's moving slower.

_The Meta's fist finally connects with Doc's head, making a tiny "dink" noise, sending Doc flying into the wall._

"OW! That has got to hurt!" Blake said as she winced a bit before stifling a laugh,

" _Oh… poor Doc_ …" Noire muttered before giggling, "Not." The RWBYs and Noire couldn't hold it in anymore and started laughing at Doc's misery,

"Oh, we're horrible people." Ruby managed to say before laughing again.

 **Doc:**  Waahuaa! Ow!

 **Simmons:**  See? That's what you get for arguing with science. Stupid bitch.

"Never fuck with science or else science fucks you!" Weiss said,

' _Thank you aznalpha for the joke._ ' Noire thought when everyone settled down and went back to watching.

 **Doc:**  Simmons, get me outta this wall.

 **Simmons:**  Hmm, how do I do this...

_Simmons tries various postures to get Doc free_

"Man, Doc is really stuck in there." Weiss said,

*cough* "Bow Chicka Bow Wow." *cough* Ruby quickly added, causing the Heiress to groan.

 **Simmons:**  The fuck- uhh, Jesus.

 **Doc:** You're not pulling from my center.

 **Simmons:**  Dheuh- from the center, what the fuck is the center?

 **Doc:** Get down and pull from the groin.

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire quickly said,

*BZZZZT!*

"Sorry, force of habit!" Blake quickly apologized before realizing something, "Wait, I thought it was out of batteries." Noire's only response was a glare aimed at Ruby, who quickly threw a taser out the window,

' _One day. Very soon_.' Noire thought as she got back up.

 **Simmons:**  Euh-deu-kei- tsei- eih- eih- eih- eih-

 **Doc:**  Let go- stop rubbing at my head. Hey-

 **Simmons:**  Eah-

 **Doc:**  It feels like you're saving your strength. Don't save your strength.

"Bow/ _Meow_  Chicka Wow/ _Meow_  Wow/ _Meow_  Wow/ _Meow_ ~" Noire and Ruby sang out, causing the others to groan.

_The Meta then starts speeding up as it grabs it's weapon._

"Meta speeding up at six o'clock!" Ruby called out, "A.K.A the time you die!"

 **Doc:** Hurry Simmons! I think that big guy's speeding back up!

"And it does not look very happy." Blake added in.

 **Simmons:**  Oh shit. Um-

 **Sarge:** Simmons, where are you? Come out here!

 **Simmons:**  I'm here, hold on just a second! Doc, it looks like I can't get you out.

"Yeah, those cyborg limbs are really helping right now." Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Doc:**  Yes you can! You're, you can, you haven't really tried yet!

 **Simmons:**  I know, you're right, I should think about the mission.

 **Doc:**  What? No! Not unless this is rescue mission. I'm part of the mission.

"He is kinda right." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons:**  It's a noble sacrifice you're making here.

"SAVE HIM YOU GOD DAMN IDIOT!" Yang shouted out,

" _Actually, it might be a good idea for him to abandon Doc and run_." Noire pointed out, " _I mean, c'mon. Who would win_ :  _Giant scary monster with a grenade launching knife or a nerd with daddy issues_?"

 **Doc:**  No no, I'm not sacrificing. I'm not noble. At all, listen to me, you don't wanna go I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go!

 **Simmons:**  I'll always remember you, bye!

 **Doc:**  Start by remembering me right now! Simmons!

" _Plus, he argued with science and science kicked his ass_." Noire said with a smirk, ' _Thank you again aznalpha for the joke._ '

_The Meta returns to full speed and fires at Simmons as he runs across the base_

**Sarge:** Hurry it up!

"JUMP!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out.

_Just as the Meta fires his Brute Shot, in slow mo, Simmons leaps off the base with a scream and, just as the Warthog drives past, time returns to normal as Simmons grabs onto the barrel of the turret but his momentum sends it spiraling around several times before ending up pointing back towards the base._

**Simmons:**  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah- Whuh? Aahhhhhhhh!

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, stop showing off and get in already!

"Well, it ain't exactly on purpose Sarge!" Ruby exclaimed, "But I do have to admit, that was fucking cool."

"Yep!" Yang agreed,

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING WHORE!" Ruby shouted at her sister before regaining her senses, "Oh, s-s-sorry. Stupid Bitch Ruby." Ruby whispered as she hit herself on the head,

"It's alright, Ruby. I'm just glad you didn't mix in Creep Ruby." Yang replied before face palming, "I just jinxed myself, huh?"

"Yes." Weiss and Blake said in unison,

' _This is going to be a long season_.' Noire thought as she sighed.

 **Simmons:** This isn't on purpose!

_On the Base's upper level, the Meta fires more grenades at the retreating Reds. As the jeep hits a bump, Simmons loses his grip on the turret and ends up hanging from its back bumper, scraping along the ground._

**Simmons:** No, wait wait wait! Guys, guys, just slow down a little, why don't you-

_Simmons gurgles underwater as they drive through the creek_

"Sorry, Simmons, they're too busy trying not to die to slow down." Yang said.

 **Sarge:** What did he say?

_The Meta runs into the grav-lift and is catapulted into the valley._

"Incoming asshole!" Ruby shouted out, "Brace for total fucking!"

" _I know I am_." Noire whispered to herself as she giggled,

*BZZZZT!*

"But you weren't braced for that." Blake said with a smirk,

" _Tell me again why we're friends_?" Noire asked,

"I never said we were friends." Blake pointed out, before thinking about it for a few seconds, "But we can try." Noire was taken back a bit before chuckling,

" _Sure_."

 **Sarge:**  Grif, incoming.

 **Grif:**  Don't worry, we'll just do what we did last time.

"But that was Washington. This is the Meta! How can you run over the Meta when it can  _throw your car at you_?" Weiss pointed out,

"It will pay for its sins!" Yang shouted out.

_As the Meta nears the ground, he performs a half-twist somersault and lands right on the Warthog's front, crushing the bonnet, catapulting Sarge and Grif out of their seats and sending the jeep flipping up into the air._

"And… there goes another Chupathingy." Ruby deadpanned as they saw the car flip over the Meta,

"Not even 5 episodes in and they already wreck a Chupathingy." Blake said with a sigh, ignoring Weiss' cries for help from a tearful Yang, "Why are the Reds the vehicle guys again?"

"I HATE YOU ALL!" Weiss called out as she tried to get Yang off her,

"… _Did someone say something_?" Noire asked to no one in particular,

"FUCK YOU, NOIRE!"

" _Okay, Weiss, fuck me._ "

"DAMN IT!"

_Then, just before the jeep hits the ground, the Meta raises his Bruteshot and fires, sending it barreling towards the other Reds._

**Simmons:** I'm scared to hold on, but I'm scared to let go!

"Simmons can't win today, can he?" Blake noted.

 **Grif:** Look out!

 **Sarge:**  Whoa.

_Grif pushes Sarge down just in time as they barely dodged getting hit by the jeep as it rolls to a stop against a rock._

"Whoa!" The girls exclaimed, but for a different reason,

"Wow, Grif just saved from getting hit but the wrecked car!" Weiss stated,

"Yeah. Why did he do that? I thought he had no positive feelings towards him." Blake reminded the others of Grif's speech to Sarge in the middle of the minefield,

"Maybe it was his instincts." Ruby guessed, "Even though he hates Sarge, it doesn't mean he doesn't want him to die… I think."

" _The_   _same can't be said for Sarge thoug_ h." Noire muttered,

"Ah, but Sarge had plenty of opportunities to murder Grif but he hasn't." Yang pointed out, "Something tells me that they do care for each other, they just don't show it often."

"Or at all." The others said in unison.

_Sarge stands up as a giant tire rolls over Grif._

**Grif:** Uh-huhh- ouh!

 **Sarge:** That was the worst driving of all time.

"Meh, we've seen worse." Ruby said before the RWBYs shivered, remembering Nora's abysmal driving,

"How she got a driver's license is beyond me." Blake muttered,

"She has a driver's license?" Yang asked,

"Used to."

 **Grif:** Because that wasn't driving, that was flying and burning!

"Okay, you have a point there." Weiss admitted.

 **Sarge:** Touché.

_Simmons staggers around in the background, holding a large pipe_

**Simmons:**  Wuhu, wuh huh weeaha, wha- what happened, where am I?

" _Safe_." Noire answered, " _For about_ …"

_The Meta approaches_

" _Now._ " Noire finished.

 **Sarge:**  Get ready men. Remember, he can't kill all of us.

 **Grif:**  Why can't he kill all of us?

"Yeah, you really didn't think that sentence through, did you?" Blake said.

 **Sarge:**  Hmm. That is a good point.

 **Simmons:**  Whit- weehu heenu- hey, I'm okay.

"You're holding a… log?" Ruby said as she stared confusingly at the screen, "Uh… the bumper from the Chupathingy? What the hell is that?" She looked at the others for answers but didn't get any.

 **Sarge:**  Get ready.

 **Grif:** This is not going to be good.

 **Church:**  Hey guys, what's going on? Man, your jeep got fucked up! Who's the big dude? Sup Gigantor?

"Oh shit, we forgot about Church." Weiss swore,

"And here we have the Epsilon Piñata ripe for the taking." Blake added in, "Crack 'em open and get a free A.I."

"Yeah… this keeps getting worse and worse by the minute." Yang groaned.

_The Meta takes a swing at Church_

**Church:**  Whoa! You kiss your mother with that mouth?

" _I'm not even going to try and figure out how Church understands the Meta_." Noire muttered.

 **Grif:**  What're you doing here?

 **Sarge:**  Who cares, just lead him out of here!

"Yeah, Epsilon is more valuable than the lives of three idiots to the Meta." Weiss said before shaking her head, "And the Meta used to be human? I don't know if I should glad Church is distracting the Meta to keep the Reds safe, or sad for how far the Meta has fallen just for A.I."

"Let's just hope no one on Remnant becomes a Meta." Blake muttered to herself before they went back to watching, "But on the bright side, the Meta looks like a cat trying to get a ball of yarn." This caused some giggles in the room.

 **Church:**  Hey ho- where?

 **Sarge:** Anywhere that's not here.

 **Church:**  Hey come on big boy, follow me! Look how shiny I am, woohoo!

"Go and eat his shiny, metal ass!" Ruby called out going into a daze, "Mmmm… shiny, metal ass…" She snapped out of it when Yang snapped her fingers,

"Noire, tell me to curse my past self for letting Ruby watch all my DVDs." Yang said as she groaned,

"… _Yang, you should go and curse_ -"

"Later. I meant later."

 **Sarge:**  Come on!

 **Simmons:**  What the fuck was that floating thing?

"Something old, something new but also something blue." Ruby answered.

 **Grif:**  We'll explain later, run.

_Church arrives at Blue Base_

**Church:**  Come on big boy, come this way. Wait a minute. I know this place.

"Yeah. From your visions." Weiss said as she crossed her arms, "Welcome to Valhalla Blue Base, Church."

 **Church:** Hello? Somebody in there?

_The Meta growls behind Church_

**Church:**  Oh, shit, you scared the crap outta me.

"It scares the crap out of all of us Church so you're not alone." Blake said as everyone shivered.

 **Sarge:** Quick! Everyone, through the hole. Just sayin' that makes me miss Donut.

" _I don't know if he means Donut and his knowledge of holes or actual doughnut holes but I'm still sad either way._ " Noire said as everyone sighed sadly, "… _Damn it, now I want a doughnut._ "

 **Grif:** What're we gonna do? We can't outrun him and our jeep is destroyed.

 **Sarge:**  We have to seal the opening.

 **Simmons:**  Do we have any grenades?

"I don't think grenades are enough to seal up the hole in the wall and a lot more dangerous." Yang muttered to herself, "The grenade could bounce off the wall and land at their feet, and I don't think setting it down at the bottom would seal it. The best thing they can really do is hope that something lucky happens."

"And that's just assuming they have grenades." Ruby added in.

 **Sarge:** Negative, we need a plan of action.

 **Church:**  Hey I know he's a friend o' yours, but I gotta tell you that guy with the shiny head is kind of an asshole.

"Well, you have a shiny head and you were kind of an asshole so you basically described yourself." Weiss said.

 **Simmons:** Well if you're here, then where's the-oh no, there's the Meta! Come on we have to hurry!

 **Grif:** I have an idea. Hey, you, dipshit!

"Okay, what is Grif doing?" Blake said as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Church:** You talkin' to me?

 **Grif:**  Yeah, you. This is all your fault you stupid piece o' junk. You got us in this mess.

 **Church:**  Me? It was your friend we had to rescue.

 **Grif:** Ah bullshit, now the Meta's coming up here and he's gonna kill all of us, starting with you.

"Oh, I get it. Grif is trying to get Church angry so he can seal the hole in the wall!" Ruby called out,

"Which shouldn't be that big of a challenge…" Weiss muttered, "But then again, from what we've seen, Epsilon-Church isn't as quick to anger than Alpha-Church. Let's see what they can do."

"…Wanna see how insults we can do?" Blake asked,

"What do you think?" Yang replied with a smirk,

" _I was born ready._ " Noire said as everyone started making up insults.

 **Sarge:**  What are you doing?

 **Church:**  I wasn't even looking for you guys, I was trying to find-

 **Sarge:**  Oh, I get it. Can it you overgrown ornament!

" _Hey, your mother's anal beads are one ball short_!  _Maybe you should fix that_!" (Noire)

 **Church:**  Oh, now you wanna start?

"If I had balls, I'm sure they'll be bigger than you!" (Yang)

 **Grif:** Hey, I'm not done with you yet ball bearing.

 **Church:**  That's rude.

"I think the aliens' poops are sphere-shaped because you are literally made from ancient shit!" (Blake)

 **Sarge:**  Your mother takes it in the exhaust port!

"Hey, the bowling alley called, they told us to keep you!" (Weiss)

 **Grif:**  Come on Simmons, help us.

 **Simmons:**  I don't even know what you're doing.

 **Sarge:**  Your mother gets paddled like a pinball!

"I… um… think you have… uh-a… stupid… face… eye… thing." Ruby said rather weakly, "…Yeah."

"Ruby." Yang said in a flat tone,

"Yeah, Yang?"

"It-"

"Was fucking weak. I know. You don't need to rub it in YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT! FUCK! SORRY!"

"IT'S OKAY RUBY!"

"THANK YOU, SISTER!"

"I'M NOT SISTER!"

"YEAH, KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT!"

"WOULD YOU GUYS SHUT UP!" Weiss shouted out,

"NEVER!" The two sister exclaimed in unison,

"For the love of God, as soon as we get out, I'm ripping their throats out." Blake growled as she covered both sets of ears,

" _What was that_?" Noire said as she turned to Blake to show that she had earmuffs on. After everyone settled down and Noire recovered from another electrical shock, they went back to watching,

"Thanks for the earmuffs, by the way."

" _You're welcome._ "

 **Church:**  Hey, let's leave mothers outta this!

"What about fathers? Do fathers count?" Weiss said, "Because I have a lot to say."

 **Grif:**  We're trying to increase the stress level.

 **Sarge:**  We need some insults!

 **Simmons:**  Um, okay. Grif, you're so fat you broke your arm and gravy came out. Sarge, I find a lot of your tactical decisions to be questionable if not downright mediocre.

"Okay, not insults towards them but they'll be noted for future use." Ruby said as Yang started copying down what Simmons just said.

 **Sarge:** Not insults for us Simmons, for him!

 **Simmons:**  I don't understand the rules of your stupid game I just got here!

 **Church:**  Ah, you guys are idiots.

"And you're just noticing that just now?" Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif:** This isn't working. We need something to make him mad. Really mad.

 **Simmons:**  Has he seen the last episode of The Sopranos yet?

" _The Sopranos sucked_." Noire mumbled to herself, " _So much I prided myself to not watch a single episode_."

_The Meta and Wash are getting closer_

**Church:**  Uh oh, look out, it's the big guy! And there's-

 **Washington:**  Get them Meta! Get them!

 **Church** (& RWBY and Noire) **:**   **WASHINGTON!**

_Suddenly, Epsilon's eye glows bright red as a laser beam shoots out and blasts around the hole, causing the wall to collapse over it and blocking the way for Washington and the Meta._

"WHOA!" The RWBYs and Noire cried out,

"Well, that did it." Yang said as they stared at the screen,

"Wait, how did Epsilon know about Washington when he hasn't really met him yet?" Weiss asked,

"Well," Ruby said as she switched to Ruby T'Ambrose, "It is possible that when Epsilon saw his original host, which is Agent Washington if you haven't been paying attention, it may have caused him to have flashbacks from when he went insane and due to Agent Washington being there, he associates the painful memories of the Alpha's torture with Agent Washington, causing that emotional outburst and the "laser face" thing to seal the hole in the wall, thus saving the Reds' asses from the horrible ass fucking courtesy of the Meta."

"That… actually makes sense." Blake admitted,

"I have no idea what I just said!"

"And… back to normal."

 **Church:**  What? No! Open it up! Open it up! I have to go back!

 **Sarge:** Go back? Son are you crazy? After what we just went through to get outta there?

 **Church:** No, he'll find her!

"Wait, who'll find her?" Yang asked, "Wait, does he mean Washington?" She looked at the others but didn't get any answers.

 **Church:** Don't you understand? I can't let them, get to her... first.

_Church falls out of the air and shuts down_

" _Um, okay, that was weird_." Noire said, " _I think he doesn't want Washington to find 'her'. I'm pretty sure I know who 'she' is, but why is still a mystery._ "

"Yeah… other than the Recovery Command chick and Sister, Tex is pretty much the only girl in the series." Blake pointed out, "And considering she appears in more than one or two seasons, yeah, it's definitely Tex."

"He's going to be in for a shock when he discovers that Tex is dead." Weiss muttered as everyone sighed sadly.

 **Grif:**  Wow, I guess he ran out of juice.

 **Sarge:** He's had a hard day. Let him sleep it off. Load him up, let's hit the road.

 **Simmons:**  So, what is this thing, like some kinda pet?

"It isn't, but it would be cool." Ruby said before pulling out Terra-chan, "But no pet can be as cool as Zwei and you, Terra-chan." The others could swear they saw love hearts floating out of Ruby's head as she rubbed Terra-chan on her cheek and decided to chalk that one up to their ever-crumbling sanity. Noire only shook her head at it and sighed.

 **Grif:** Yeah, I guess you could say that. Come on, I'll fill you in.

_Outside, the Meta grunts_

**Washington:**  Don't worry, we'll find them again. We just need some leads. And I know exactly who to ask.

 **Doc:**  Hey guys?

"Oh! Right. Doc. We keep forgetting about this guy." Yang said as she stretched her arms, "Yeah... this might get complicated."

"Oh, what does Doc know about the Reds and Blues? They don't really consider him a friend and he just got there like Simmons." Blake pointed out, "So Doc as a valuable source of information? Yeah, no."

 **Doc:** A little help here. Hello? Assholes.

" _Let's keep going_." Noire quickly said as she picked up the remote. Ruby was about to say something but got interrupted by her, " _No stopping, shut up Ruby, and pressing play now_." And so she did just that.

**(Fourth and Twenty)**

"I don't get it." Ruby said with a confused look on her face,

" _Of course you wouldn't know_." Noire scoffed as she rolled her eyes.

_Fade in to Caboose standing on top of a tall rock, being harassed on by some aliens below. Tucker is standing off to the side_

**Caboose:**  Go away, bad aliens! Shoo aliens shoo! Rolled up newspaper!

"They aren't dogs." Weiss deadpanned, "Even though they act like dogs, talk a bit like dogs, and are as stupid as a rock, but they're not dogs."

"They're more like dogs that can shoot you." Yang added in, "And possibly have sex and eat you."

"They must be fun at parties." Blake said sarcastically.

 **Tucker:**  Maybe you should have thought about that before you lost their all-powerful Deity.

 **Caboose:** I didn't lose him, he left. Or maybe he lost himself. Or maybe the Reds took him. I don't-

_One of the aliens shoots Caboose_

"Hey, no guns! Keep it fair!" Blake called out.

 **Caboose:** Ow! Stop that!

 **Tucker:**  Well, until the Reds come back, they need somebody to blame. Better you than me man.

 **Caboose:**  Tucker, help me.

"Or at least stay up on the rock with him." Yang suggested, "That way, when the aliens inevitably turn on you, you already saved yourself time running away from the aliens."

 **Tucker:**  Hyeah, dude, I don't know. I don't really wanna get in between an angry mob and their religious iconography. And I should know, I used to date an Italian girl.

" _The Sopranos still suck_." Noire quickly said, " _And I will never, in my life, will watch an episode_."

"…Not even going to question that logic." Weiss muttered to herself.

 **Caboose:**  But he's not really a god, it's all made up. You know that.

"Does he mean that Church is not a god or the actual God?" Ruby asked, "Because that's going to piss people off either way."

"I don't know but Caboose loses either way." Blake answered.

_The aliens turn toward Tucker_

**Tucker:**  Whoa dude, I don't know shit. That sounds like straight up blasphemy. You guys gonna put up with this shit?

 **Alien:**  Blarg.

"I don't speak alien, but I'm pretty sure that's a no." Weiss guessed.

 **Tucker:**  H-I know dude, that's what I'm saying. Took the blarg right out of my mouth.

 **Caboose:**  Tucker? They're going to eat me!

 **Tucker:**  Caboose shut the fuck up, they're not gonna eat you.

"Yeah! Well, sure, Junior drank Caboose's blood but that's probably the equivalent of breast milk." Blake said.

 **Tucker:** They're just gonna persecute you and kill you, stop being such a baby.

"Yeah, because that's way better than getting eaten by aliens." Ruby said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Caboose:**  Look, the Reds, they're back. And they have your worshippy guy.

" _Sweet, now they can kill the Reds instead of Caboose_." Noire said with a smile. She had to admit she had a soft spot for the idiot.

 **Tucker:**  What? Sarge...

 **Sarge:**  Hey Blue, we're back. Got Simmons too. Where's the water can? Oh also you got any more spare jeeps around here? I don't wanna get into it, but we've identified a tactical weakness in the hood of the current models.

"Oh, I can tell you a few more tactical weaknesses other than the hood." Yang said and was about to go on about everything wrong with the Reds' vehicle only for everyone else to cover her mouth before she could.

 **Sarge:** Oh uh, what're you guys doing? Killin' Caboose? That's cool.

 **Caboose:**  There he is! He is the one who took Church! Get him.

The girls shivered at the way Caboose said 'Get him', and one of them (not saying who) got slightly aroused.

 **Alien:**  Rawr? Rawrar.

 **Sarge** : Ruh-roh.

"Why do I have the sudden urge to eat dog food?" Ruby asked in a flat tone, not noticing her teammates shifting away from her.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons with Church_

**Grif:** How's Floaty McGee?

 **Simmons:**  Eh you know, same old. Still not working.

"Man, the trip to Valhalla must've been pretty long." Weiss muttered,

"Or that he fried his brain thanks to seeing Washington." Blake said, "Anyway, the aliens won't be happy when they see their god kinda dead."

 **Grif:** Is he dead?

 **Simmons:** How the fuck would I know? And even if he was, would it make a difference with this guy?

 **Grif:** Meh, probably not.

"The power of apathy is strong in this one." Yang said in a Darth Vader-like voice.

 **Simmons:**  Now we've got sand all in his ports. How'm I supposed to fix him in an environment like this?

 **Grif:**  Sounds like you have sand in your ports.

" _You may wanna clean that fax machine too_." Noire suggested.

 **Simmons:** Why did we even come here, it's a fucking desert.

"Well, their bases are not an option, Command probably won't help much and it's in a remote location with a minefield surrounding the area. Like it or not, that's the safest place they can rest at right now." Ruby explained, "Of course, there are the aliens but hey, take what you can get."

 **Grif:**  I don't know. This is where we were before we came to get you. And where else can we go anyway? There's bad guys at our base and Sarge never wants us to get far from the Blues. I don't know if you've noticed this Simmons, but he's a little obsessed. He still wants to get 'em back in the database so we can kill 'em.

"Still the worst plan to win a war ever." Blake muttered,

"Of all time." Weiss quickly said, "GOD FUCK MY ASSHOLE!"

" _I may not be God but I would make a good substitute_." Noire said right after Weiss swore. The Heiress only sighed and looked at Blake,

"Do you mind?"

*BZZZZT!*

" _A spray bottle would suffice, you know_." Noire groaned as she recovered from her most recent shock,

"Yeah, but would be as fun." Blake replied as she helped Noire up.

 **Grif:** How's that goin' by the way? Any progress?

 **Simmons:** Progress?

" _Progress_!? He has absolutely no access to anything that would help him get the Blues back into the database!" Ruby shouted out, "And, uh, oh right THE FUCKING META AND WASHINGTON HOLDING THEM HOSTAGE!"

 **Grif:**  It's your project.

 **Simmons:** I was held captive.

 **Grif:**  Whatever dude. If Sarge takes that as an excuse for not getting work done let me know. I'll get captured all the time.

"Do you think Professor Port will take being sick as an excuse for not coming to his boring lectures?" Yang asked, "Well, I shouldn't say lectures. They're more like an hour of him bragging about what he did in his youth."

"Yang, you really should stop making up excuses anyway. You keep getting caught and getting detention." Blake said, "And one of these days, you'll drag us with you there."

"Oh c'mon guys! That will never happen!"

(4 months later)

"…Well, this sucks." Yang muttered as her team and JNPR sat in Professor Port's classroom A.K.A detention,

"'That will never happen' my ass." Weiss mumbled to herself.

(Back to the present)

"Well, if I could be excused from Port's class whenever I want, I would soooo happy." Ruby said,

' _Thank you FredFuch86 for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

 **Sarge:**  Nope. They're right around this corner up here. Grif and Simmons, right up here, where we're walking.

 **Grif:**  Uh oh, here he comes. You're about to get busted.

"Or get your ass busted by the aliens." Blake added in, "Let's hope Sarge can get through their thick skulls and get rid of Epsilon before the aliens arrive."

 **Sarge:**  And you'll see when we get around this corner up here, we don't have any kind of floating device. No balls or spheres or anything.

 **Simmons:** Who's he talking to?

 **Sarge:** You'll see, big group of aliens. We don't have anything like that at all.

"They are so lucky the aliens are idiots." Yang muttered.

 **Grif:**  What? Uh oh.

_Church begins to turn on_

**Church:** Whah? Where am I?

"Okay, that's a bad time to turn on." Weiss said, "I'm glad you're okay, but it's kind of a bad time right now."

 **Grif:** Sshhh, dude shut up. Be quiet.

 **Church:** No, what-

 **Grif:** Shut your hole.

 **Church:**  What's happening, how did I get here?

 **Grif:** Oh shit! Ub-uh duh-

 **Church:**  Don't do it you fucker-

_Grif then punts Church behind them._

**Church:**  -rrrrrrrrrrr!

" _Wow, that's actually kinda far for Grif_." Noire said as they saw Church go flying,

"Well, that's one way to handle it." Weiss deadpanned,

"He's so going to be pissed they find him." Blake said as she shook her head,

"AND IT'S A HOME RUN!" Yang shouted out in an announcer's voice,

"I still don't get it." Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons:**  What're you doing?

 **Grif:**  Shut up man, be cool.

 **Simmons:** Be cool?

"Be cool!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out.

_Sarge then arrives with the aliens._

**Simmons:**  Whoa! I mean, what's the four-one-one, daddy-o's? Me and my homey were just, hangin' all up in here. Deserts… ville. 'S'all good. You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?

The girls just stared at the screen when they saw Simmons' attempt (if you could call it that) to be cool and failing horribly in a rain of fiery fire and poop, "…All in favour of forgetting that ever happened say 'aye'." Ruby asked,

"Aye." (Weiss)

"Aye." (Blake)

"Aye." (Yang)

" _Aye… should drink more beer._ " Noire finished off, extremely tempted to go back a few seconds and then flash the team forwards after Simmons said that..

 **Grif:**  What the fuck are you doing?

 **Simmons:** You told me to be cool.

" _I think you ruined the definition of cool and everything about the 1990s_." Noire said, " _Or was it the 1980s_?  _The 2000s_?  _Fuck it, he ruined everything_."

"Um…okay." Blake said, giving up on ever understanding her fellow cat Faunus.

 **Grif:** Right. So what the fuck are you doing!?

 **Sarge:** As you can see, we don't have your stupid rolley baloney. It's just this yellow guy, and-M.C. Fonzerella over here.

 **Simmons:**  Whatevs, y'all. You don't know me.

"We don't wanna know you. Eveeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr." Ruby said and dramatically whispering that last part, "Ever!"

 **Tucker:**  Nahaha, gotcha! See, I knew they would have it.

"But they don't so sucks to be  _Blue_!" Weiss punned, causing everyone other than Yang to laugh a little,

"That was actually funny." Ruby admitted,

"Why don't people laugh at my puns…" Yang sobbed out as she cried anime tears,

" _Because they suck balls_." Noire said in a comforting tone while patting the Blonde's back.

 **Caboose:**  Uh, I don't see him-oh my God he's invisible!

 **Tucker:**  Alright Reds, what did you do with-

_Tucker turns to see Reds fleeing._

"Well, definitely expected that." Blake deadpanned with a blank look on her face.

 **Sarge:**  Book it, quadruple-time!

 **Tucker:**  It. Dammit! I should have seen that coming. Well Caboose, I guess we're on our-

_Tucker turns to see Caboose fleeing._

**Tucker:**  Own.

"And that's the beauty of karma." Ruby said with a proud smile on her face.

 **Tucker:** Dammit.

 **Caboose:**  Revenge!

"Huh, never really thought Caboose had it in him." Weiss admitted before giving a thumbs up, "Good for you Caboose for screwing over a teammate!"

_The aliens turn to Tucker, accusingly_

"They want your blood~" Yang sang out.

 **Tucker:** Alright, I'll just go get up on top of the pillar.

_Grif approaches Church in the sand, behind some flashing, buzzing, warning lights_

**Grif:** Uh oh.

"Hey, why is Grif stopping? Epsilon is ri-oh right, shit." Ruby said, remembering a certain feature about Sandtrap,

"What are you talking about, Ruby? He's only-aw balls!" Weiss swore as she face palmed,

"Oh you've gotta be kidding me." Blake groaned as she shook her head in shame,

"Ah… bollocking bollocks." Yang sighed,

" _Well, fuck._ " Noire simply said.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, what're you stopping for ah nuts.

 **Simmons:**  What, there he is.

"Oh, right. Simmons doesn't know about the minefield." Weiss said before grabbing popcorn, "This is gonna be good."

 **Caboose:** Oh no, he landed in the middle of the-uh-of of the there. The, the over there.

 **Simmons:**  So, let's get him.

 **Grif:** Yeah, tell you what Simmons, why don't you go get him?

" _Yeah_!  _Nothing bad will happen to you in the next 12 seconds_!" Noire said sarcastically, " _Everything will be just fine_ …"

"Until you blow up." Yang quickly added in.

 **Sarge:**  We'll secure the area here while you retrieve.

 **Simmons:** Hh, okay I don't have time for this.

_Simmons runs into the minefield and sets one off_

The girls burst out laughing and pointed at the screen, "We're still horrible people!" Ruby managed to say before they went back to laughing.

 **Simmons:**  Ow! You knew, didn't you?

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, kinda.

After the girls settled down from their laughing fit, Blake grabbed the remote and pressed play.

**(Towing Package)**

_Fade in to Blue Base_

**Washington:**  Alright Doc, I wanna ask you a few questions.

 **Doc:**  Where'd the Red guys go? Did they get away?

"Well, he obviously isn't that good at being a hostage." Blake muttered, "If he wants to come out of it alive, it's best to follow what your hostage takers say or else they'll kill him. Try to befriend him as well. It might not work but it'll make the hostage take have second thoughts or even help you escape in a few cases."

"Let me guess: White Fang?" Weiss guessed,

"You'd be surprised how much you can learn and spot patterns after a while. I even helped a few escape myself without even getting caught." Blake replied with a smirk.

 **Washington:**  Quiet. I'm asking you the questions, you're not asking me.

 **Doc:**  What kinda questions?

"You're asking too much questions~" Yang sang out.

 **Washington:** Hey I just said no questions.

 **Doc:**  Can I ask questions later?

 **Washington:**  Doc!

"Shut up!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out.

 **Doc:**  What? Oh that's a question, sorry. Go ahead.

 **Washington:**  You know what, get him out of there, I can't talk to him like this.

" _Yeah, great way to trap a prisoner. Shitty way to interrogate him_." Noire said.

_The Meta approaches and tries to get him loose_

**Doc:**  What're you-stop it.

 **Washington:**  What? Well, try pulling harder then.

" _That's what she said_." Noire quickly said between coughs, but was clearly heard, " _Isn't that right Blakie Cat_?"

*BZZZZT!*

" _Alright, sticking to Pussy._ "

 **Doc:** Be gentle be gentle!

 **Washington:**  Grab lower, near the centre of gravity.

"Well that's blunt." Yang said.

 **Doc:**  He's got cold hands.

"Like you would know anything about it." Weiss muttered as she rolled her eyes.

 **Washington:** Try the codpiece.

" _Ah, Meow Chicka Meow Meow~_!" Noire sang out as everyone groaned,

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Ruby quickly whispered under her breath, "Wait, what's a codpiece?"

"Meh, we'll explain later." WBY answered in unison,

"Okay…" Ruby muttered as she rested her chin on her hand,

' _Thank you Autistic-Grizzly for the joke_!' Noire thought.

_The Meta gives an obvious look and sound of disapproval_

**Washington:**  Oh, uh-we're all adults here.

 **Meta:**  (growls)

 **Washington:**  No I don't wanna try.

"The sudden realization that the antagonists interact like children." Weiss muttered as she shook her head, "The fucking scary monster that killed people for power and the mentally unstable traitor who is too old for this shit are acting like children."

"Yeah… this is going to be interesting." Yang said as she stole some popcorn from Ruby.

 **Doc:**  Don't repress your feelings.

" _Stop repressing feeling_ s,  _Wash._   _Start making out with Doc. Hell, get the Meta to join in_!  _I WANT MY YAOI THREESOME_!" Noire cried out,

'God damn it Noire.' Blake thought as the images started to flood in.

_The Meta uses the grav-lift to leap off the base_

**Washington:**  I can't interrogate him like this, it's ridiculous. I can't believe I have to deal with this. ( _shouts to the Meta_ ) What're we gonna do!?

_The Meta grabs the tow hook from the front of the jeep and tosses it up on base, trailing the cable behind it_

"Oh… now I know this won't end well." Ruby groaned before a dark aura surrounded her, "…Ten Lien says that Doc's legs get ripped off, his tendons slowly separating, one by one as Doc's screams are heard throughout Valhalla. Blood will be spurting out everywhere from the veins, covering Washington and the Meta in the sins they have committed. It will stain their armour, stain their soul. And it will forever haunt them for eternity, driving them insane until finally they have enough blow their brains out, their grey matter splattering all over the wall as their bodies fall with a bone-cracking, sickening thud." When Ruby snapped out of it, she looked around and saw that her teammates were missing. She guessed they went somewhere and waited for them.

(1 hour later)

"WE'RE BACK!" Yang yelled out as the rest of the team burst from the door, causing Ruby to jump from the couch,

"Holy shit! Don't scare me like that!" The Red Leader shouted at the Blonde Brawler, "Where were you anyway?"

"Just… somewhere." Blake answered,

'…Away from you.' They all added in their heads before they went back to their spots in the couch and went back to watching.

 **Washington:** Hmm, that might work.

_Back in the desert..._

**Sarge:**  Heh heh. Seems like all the kicking and blowing up put some life back into the little guy. That's adorable.

"Yeah, powering up machines and A.I with the power of violence." Weiss muttered, "…Which actually doesn't sound that bad."

 **Grif:**  Why are all his blue parts green?

"I'm guessing he's rebooting but I'm not sure." Blake said as she narrowed her eyes, "But whatever it is should be interesting."

 **Caboose:**  I don't know.

 **Epsilon-Delta:** Caboose, is that you?

"Delta!?" The RWBYs and Noire exclaimed,

"Wait, what!?" Yang shouted out, "How is Delta in the alien artifact!? He died along with all the other A.I!"

" _They're probably going to explain_." Noire answered as she pointed at the screen, " _Look_."

 **Caboose:**  Delta?

 **Epsilon-Delta:** Caboose, I need you to listen, my time is brief. Epsilon is not in control right now. But he will be again, shortly.

 **Caboose:**  Great!

"It doesn't really sound so great Caboose." Ruby said, "We better listen to what Delta says."

 **Epsilon-Delta:**  Perhaps not. The encounter with Agent Washington has jarred loose many of his memories. Epsilon has not, historically coped with these memories well.

 **Grif:**  What's that mean?

"He went insane, fucked up Washington's mental state and now he's hunting you down for Epsilon. Isn't that awesome?" Yang answered with the last part said in a sarcastic tone and an eye roll.

 **Epsilon-Delta:**  We fear he may pursue certain memories in particular.

 **Grif:** Who is we?

 **Epsilon-Delta:** Myself and the other memories of the Alpha fragments.

"Oh… I get it." Weiss said as her eyes widened, "Delta isn't Delta. It's just the memory of Delta. He probably has O'Malley, Gary and all the other fragments extracted from the Alpha."

"So he's basically a back-up for all the A.I in Project Freelancer." Ruby summarized,

"Yeah, pretty much."

 **Grif:** What the fuck is that? Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck is happening?

"I'll just give you an answer that answers all of those questions." Blake said before clearing her throat, but said nothing,

" _Hello_?  _Aren't you going to follow it up_?" Noire asked,

"Well I was, but now that I think about it, it's kinda fucking hard." Noire decided to leave it alone for now and went back to watching.

 **Delta:**  Epsilon may not yet be aware of our presence, but eventually he will be. We cannot hide forever. It is likely at this point he will begin the cycle again. That must not happen.

"Wait, what cycle? Stop being so fucking cryptic already!" Yang shouted out, "Give us straight answers!"

 **Caboose:**  What cycle? Hhh! A motorcycle? A secret motorcyclist's okay you can tell me.

 **Epsilon-Delta:** He's begun to search his memories now, he is clearly looking for something.

 **Caboose:**  Well you always did say memory is the key.

"But sometimes there are things that were meant to be locked." Blake muttered, "Just think about people who go through traumatic experiences and how they want to forget about it. Memory is the key, but not everything is meant to be unlocked."

 **Epsilon-Delta:**  Memory is the key, Caboose, but not everything that is locked is meant to be unlocked. He is coming back now. I must leave before he discovers me.

 **Caboose:**  But if he meets you in there then you can be friends. But not best friends. But, you know 'cause that job's, taken? But, you know, maybe acquaintances?

 **Epsilon-Delta:**  If only, I, were the memory, that he's looking for.

"Seriously, they don't have to go through all this bullshit if you just tell them!" Ruby exclaimed,

" _Uh, there's something called 'dramatic build-up'_." Noire informed the red leader, " _It withholds information so that the audience is forced to keep coming back if they want to find out more. It's pretty common across all types of media._ "

"I knew that." Ruby mumbled to herself,

" _Sure you do…_ "

"Oh, don't patronize me."

_Delta shuts down, the blue parts return to blue, and Church rises back into the air_

**Church:**  What? Uh, oh. Hey. I must've uh, must've passed out. Sorry 'bout that.

"He found something, didn't he?" Blake said as she narrowed her eyes, noting the change in his tone, "Well, so much for stopping the cycle."

 **Caboose:** Church, you're back!

 **Church:**  Yeah, I am. Hey Caboose, come over here wouldjya I, need to talk to you about something.

"Oh, he fucking found something." Yang whispered to herself, "Question is: what is it?"

 **Caboose:** Okay, where are we going?

_Meanwhile, not far away…_

**Simmons:** Hey guys, do you ever notice Blue Team has, like a lot more stuff going on than us?

"Yeah, but the Reds have to balance all the heavy stuff the Blues are going through." Weiss pointed out, "I mean, while I do like the story happening with the Blues, it wouldn't be RvB without comedy. And that's where the Reds come in."

"To take your problems and blow the shit out of it." Yang added in.

 **Sarge:** Yeah. Boring stuff.

 **Grif:**  Nerdy stuff.

"Practical stuff." The RWBYs and Noire said in unison.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah but I mean, all we ever talk about is food and guns.

 **Grif:** That reminds me, I'm hungry.

 **Sarge:** Stop complaining or I'll shoot ya in the head.

"TheBlood Gulch Reds in a nutshell, people!" Yang declared.

 **Simmons:**  Hhh... good times.

_Cut to the pillar of rock where the aliens are still harassing Tucker_

**Tucker:**  Stay away, don't touch me.

"You're doing good Tucker. Just a few more… more…" Ruby called out before looking Weiss, "How long is Tucker going to be there?"

"My best guess: Until everyone leaves him alone." Weiss answered.

 **Church:** Hey, uh Caboose, you were the one who moved me from the Epsilon unit to this new body, right?

"Somehow, but yeah." Blake said.

 **Caboose:** Oh yeah. I am really good at ergonomics.

 **Church:**  D'uh, do you mean, electronics?

" _Both of you are wrong._ " Noire spoke up, " _He means economics_."

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, probably.

 **Church:**  Okay good. Then I need you to come with me. I just remembered something. Something that could help me.

"You know, when you say it's going to help you, it's probably won't in the slightest." Weiss deadpanned.

 **Caboose:** Sure!

 **Church:**  You don't wanna know the details?

"No. He probably won't even understand it or even care." Blake said.

 **Caboose:** Nope.

 **Church:** Could be dangerous.

"He said yes already!" Ruby called out, "C'mon, dude, hurry up and go get the show on the road!"

 **Caboose:**  Yeaaah I have armor. It's blue.

 **Church:**  Alright, well, let's go then. I actually thought it would take longer to convince you. Come on. I wanna get to the facility before nightfall.

"Wait, he doesn't mean a Freelancer facility, does he?" Yang asked, "What the hell does he need from a Freelancer base?"

" _Whatever_   _it is, it can't be good_." Noire muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Uh, you wanna bring the Epsilon unit?

 **Church:**  Is it necessary to... do your thing?

 **Caboose:**  Don't think so.

 **Church:** Then who cares. Leave it. Where we're going, we won't need it.

"I don't know. Just leaving something like that is probably going to bite 'em in the ass sooner or later." Ruby said before yawning, "You never know but it pays to be paranoid."

_In the meantime, Wash and the Meta have hooked the jeep's tow hook up to Doc's codpiece at a great distance_

"Out of all places to put the tow hook…" Weiss groaned as she face palmed,

' _Rip it off, rip it off, rip it off, rip it off, rip it off…_ ' Noire chanted in her head, not noticing that she was drooling.

 **Doc:**  Um, are you sure this is a good idea!? Uouhouh.

 **Washington:**  Alright, give it a crank.

_The cable straightens_

**Washington:**  More power, come on, give it some gas.

"It's either going to get Doc out of the wall or make Doc lose his entire lower half. I swear to God, it's going to be one of those." Yang said as she shook her head.

_Gas is applied_

**Washington:** Almost there, just a little more...

_The part of the wall that Doc is in falls forward, landing Doc straight on his face and is dragged forward._

The girls simultaneously face palmed at the scene, "The Meta really needs to learn how to pull its punches." Weiss muttered.

 **Doc:**  Ow!

 **Washington:**  Well. That's just great.

"Alright, set's done. I'm gonna go get something other than popcorn to eat." Ruby said as she left the room,

"I'm coming with!" Yang said as she and Weiss followed, "Blake, Noire! You coming?"

"I'm good!" Blake replied and Noire just shrugged her shoulders. Yang just assumed that Noire didn't want anything,

"I think I could go for some noodles today." Yang mumbled to herself before turning to Ruby, "You want noodles too."

"Don't you fucking tell me what to eat YOU-" Blake and Noire didn't anything else as Weiss the slammed the door shut before they could hear the rest of Ruby's sentence,

"Nice sweater." Blake complimented her other. Noire only looked away while rubbing the back of her neck, "I wonder how Ruby got you to wear that."

(Flashback!)

"AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING!" Ruby yelled at the cat girl before peeking out the door, "Oh thank fuck they're gone." Ruby muttered to herself as she sighed in relief before making a handsign, "Kai." Suddenly, everything went up in smoke. Ruby turned on a fan to clear out the smoke faster to reveal Noire strapped onto a table and was clearly trying to break out,

" _I fucking hate you._ " Noire said in a flat tone,

"Oh, I know." Ruby replied as she put on a medical mask, "Now let's go charge up that shock collar!"

" _Hey, wait, that's a bone saw_!  _That's not suppose to-OH DEAR GOD_!"

(End Flashback!)

" _...She gave me porn._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	65. Return With a Big Yang (And Don't Call Me Shirley, Perusing the Archive, Backup Plans)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta love acronyms. All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

"…So I gave her porn." Ruby answered Yang as she searched for something to eat, "And let me tell you, it was some pretty intense stuff in it." Then Ruby spaced out as she started drooling, "Some really,  _really_ intense stuff…"

"Ruby!" Yang called out, snapping her sister out of it and freaking her out. She turned her head to look at her when she heard Ruby squeak and saw that she was gone, "Weiss, I thought you were watching her!"

"Damn it, I blinked!" Weiss cursed, before she realized something and looked around, "Wait, when did I get here?"

"What?"

"I don't remember leaving the dorm? Holy shit, what the fuck happened!?"

"Weiss, did you get another memory lapse?" Ruby asked as reappeared behind Weiss in her Creepy Phase, "Is there a bug in your brain, slowly eating away at your memories?"

"HOLY FUCK!" Weiss exclaimed, scaring her out of her body, "Oh, fuck! Not again!"

"Okay, seriously, what the hell is happening?" Yang asked, "I think we've finally snapped! I mean, I forgot about dad, for the love of God! We can't even remember we already knew that Delta was in Epsilon for fuck's sake! And I still think there are holes in my memory and I'm pretty sure everyone else has some too! Whatever happened to us just watching Red vs Blue? Yeah, we're going insane if we already aren't but fuck… this is so messed up." Yang then put her back against the wall and slid down and put her head in her hands,

"Okay, look," Weiss said as she re-entered her body, "It's been so long since we've seen another person other than us that I think I've lost count but don't give up. We can make it. Just stay calm."

"What makes you think we can!?" Yang yelled at the Heiress, "JNPR isn't coming anytime soon and we can't even last a minute without something happening to us! We've gone through so much shit these past few weeks we've essentially become different people entirely! So, Princess, what makes you think we'll make it to the end of the summer!?"

Suddenly, she felt Ruby hug her from behind.

"Yang, please, stop." Ruby begged as she let power of hugging work its magic, "We've made it this far and we only have a few weeks left to go. It's alright. We're here for you. Just relax and things will get better. C'mon, just take some deep breaths."

*Snore!*

"Ruby, I think she got too relaxed." Weiss deadpanned as she saw Yang falling asleep in Ruby's arms. Ruby let go of Yang and let her fall to the ground,

"Oh crap." Ruby said as she looked at her unconscious sister before she started rapidly tearing up, "Oh God, I'M SORRY YANG!" Ruby cried out as she started bawling her eyes out, "I DIDN'T MEAN TO!"

"She isn't dead!"

"Which makes it worse!" Ruby then curled up into a ball and cried in a corner of the kitchen,

"How is that even-" Weiss started before shaking her head, "You know what? I give up. Just come back to the dorm when you're…" Weiss was going to say 'normal' but decided that wasn't the best word, or any other word she wanted to us, so she just left, "Sometimes I can't remember why I'm still on this team." Weiss muttered to herself as she walked back to the dorm.

(Meanwhile…)

Ruby was still crying in the corner… before she stopped and looked around, "Okay, now that she's gone, I can do stuff. The question is: what should I do now…" Ruby whispered to herself before looking at Yang and smirked as she crackled her knuckles, "Alright, let's get to work."

(A few hours later)

Weiss, Blake and Noire had just finished setting up for the next set and were just waiting on Yang and Ruby to return. It was a nice, peaceful silence but they were quickly getting bored, "So… how's your day going?" Blake asked Weiss,

"Oh, pretty good I guess." Weiss replied. There was another silence before she looked at Noire, "Um, so Noire, where's your shock collar?"

" _I already told you. My Unknown Ticklish Eternally Rusty Unused Space._ " Noire answered,

"Wait, you said it was your UnknownReclusive Eternally Ticklish Hazardous Retractable Area." Blake pointed out,

" _You must be hearing things_." There was, again, another silence as they kept waiting, " _…Wanna go read my futanari porn_?"

"DON'T START WITHOUT US! WE'RE HERE!" Ruby & Yang yelled out as they burst through the door and took their seat on the couch,

"What took you so long!?" Weiss shouted at them as Blake silently wished they arrived an hour or two later,

"Had to… take care… of business." Ruby managed to sat between breaths, "Oh dear God, why am I out of shape?"

" _Because you keep getting into comas every goddamn week ever since the start of the summer and doing nothing but eat junk food and watching idiots shoot at each other_." Noire deadpanned,

"I don't think so…" Ruby muttered as she narrowed her eyes, "I think it's because I don't have enough sugar in my blood."

"Well, you're not getting any until you're 18." Yang said,

"What!? You can't do that!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"BOTH OF YOU!" Blake shouted out, "SHUT UP!"

"Sorry." Ruby & Yang apologized as they looked down in shame, causing Blake to sigh,

"Sorry but you guys really need to mature more."

"But being mature is boring." Yang whined, "And why should we be mature. We're still awesome the way we are."

" _Can we just start the stupid fucking episodes already_?" Noire said as she picked up the remote,

"You are seriously on your period, huh Noire." Ruby said only to look away when she saw Noire glare at her, 'Seriously, what did I do?' Ruby thought as Noire pressed play. But nothing happened so she pressed it again, and again nothing happened, "Hey, are the batteries flat again?"

" _Just give it a sec._ " Noire replied as she banged the remote on the table, " _Stupid fucking internet connection_."

"What was that?" Yang asked with a confused look on her face,

" _Nothing. And it will continue to be nothing until IT FUCKING WORKS_!" Noire shouted out, freaking the others out while she started choking the remote, " _Must. Resist. Murder. Of. Router. Must. Resist. Murder. Of. Router. Must. Resist. Murder. Of. Router. Must. Resist. Murder. Of. Router. Must. Get. Internet. Cable. For. Asshole._ "

'We're doomed.' The RWBYs thought as they watched Noire trying to set the remote on fire while beating it with a crowbar,

"Yang, I'm sorry that I was wrong." Ruby said in a flat tone,

"Ruby, I'm sorry that I was right." Yang replied in the same tone,

" _DIE_!  _DIE_!  _DIE_!" Noire yelled out before picking up the remote, " ** _FUCKING GOT IT FINALLY_!** " And with that, she pressed-, " _No wait_. … … … … _Now_."-play.

**(Don't Call Me Shirley)**

_Fade in to Wash and the Meta looking at Doc and the piece of wall he's stuck in, upright in the field_

"Man, he must be really stuck in there." Ruby said, "I'm actually surprised his head is still connected to his neck after the punch he took from the Meta."

"And this is when the Meta can't use its equipment." Blake reminded everyone, "Okay, what does this thing eat?"

"Well, there are two things I can think of right now." Weiss spoke up,

"Let me guess, nothing at all or people." Yang guessed, which Weiss nodded at, "Isn't that appetizing."

"Yeah, it kinda is." Ruby said casually. She didn't notice her teammates shifting away from her.

 **Washington:** Come on, can't you get him out of there? He's just stuck in a few rocks.

" _Well, it's more like a wall Washington_." Noire pointed out, " _Why haven't they executed the Meta_?  _It's killed so many people that it's practically a walking genocide._ "

"Well, the Chairman probably was the one who let it live and he thought it was more useful in it's current state." Blake guessed, "Which is literally the worst reason to let a monster live."

"Of all time." Weiss quickly added, "FUCK! BALLS! DAMN IT!"

"'Fuck', 'Balls', 'Damn it'." Yang repeated, "Are you ever going to stop saying that?" Yang asked with an amused smile on her face,

"Oh shut up Sister."

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Keep saying that Sister, someone will…" Ruby started before getting a glazed look on her face, "Huh, I completely forgot the rest of that sentence."

" _Seriously_!?" The others exclaimed,

"Kidding! Kidding!" Ruby quickly said, 'I am so fucking absent-minded.' Ruby thought as she said that, "But seriously, keep telling yourself that Sister."

"FUCK!"

 **Meta:**  ( _Growls_ )

 **Washington:** Why can't anything ever be easy? Doc, I want you to tell me everything you know about the Reds and Blues.

"Well, let's see." Weiss said as she pulled out a piece of paper, pulled out a pair of glasses and cleared her throat, "The Reds are jerks and the Blues are idiots but they somehow come out on top in the end." She then pulled off the glasses and threw them away, "Hopefully, on top of your grave."

 **Doc:** You know more than me, I just got here.

"Yeah, he isn't a very good source of information since he only appeared once in Reconstruction and didn't even show up at all in Recreation." Blake said, "But, he is bound to know something. Right?"

 **Washington:** Hit him.

_The Meta hits Doc_

**Doc:**  Oah!

"Hey! You don't have to hit him!" Ruby shouted out,

"Well, Ruby, pain does jog the memory sometimes." Yang told her sister,

"Really?" Ruby said as she raised an eyebrow. She decided to test it out by trying to remember something while pinching herself, "Well it isn't working-OH MY GOD! AHH! AHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Holy crap, Ruby! What's wrong?" Yang asked in a worried tone. Ruby only responded, while still screaming in horror, pinched her in the neck. Then Yang had a flashback.

(Flashback!)

"Hey! I found something!" A 10 year old Yang called out from the living room of their house, "Wanna watch a movie!?"

"Yay!" An 8 year old Ruby cheered as she quickly went to where Yang was, "What is it?"

"I found something in dad's room and I wanna watch it!" Yang answered as she showed her the DVD. In black marker, it read:

**For when the girls are old enough**

"Are we old enough?" Ruby asked,

"I'm sure we're old enough." Yang said as she popped in the DVD into the DVD player, "Let's see what on it." The DVD started and they saw a woman sitting on the bed, a white cloak covering the person's face but from her body movements it looked like the figure was rather nervous, "Mum?"

"H-H-Hello, Yang, Ruby. H-How a-a-ar-are you girls do-d-doing?" Summer stuttered out as she fidgeted around on the spot, "I-If you're watching this, th-t-then I'm, or your dad, or both of us are not here to see you two be-b-b-b-become women and… please don't make me do this."

"Summer…" A voice that was off-screen, Taiyang, said,

"Aw man…" Summer muttered, "S-So… it's im-i-important f-f-f-for us to te-teach you about the birds and the b-b-b-b-bees. So-" The video then cut to… very, very wrong things that young minds shouldn't see.

Especially the things they did with their weapons.

(End Flashback!)

"Oh…" Yang muttered as she remembered what happened that night, and realizing where Ruby got her weapons fetish from as well as various other things that explain… a lot of other things, "So that's wh-AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD! OH GOD NO! AHHH!"

"SWEET GOD NO!" Ruby then shouted out before pausing to give out a perverted giggle and then went back to screaming,

"Should we even ask?" Weiss asked as she looked at Noire & Blake. Noire only sighed and casually pulled out a Purple Dust crystal,

" _I seriously don't get paid enough for this_." Noire groaned.

(Rewind!)

"Hey! You don't have to hit him!" Ruby shouted out,

"Well, Ruby, pain does jog the memory sometimes." Yang told her sister,

"Really?" Ruby said with an eyebrow raised,

" _Yes, now don't try and do it or else you'll regret remembering something you really shouldn't remember, despite how awesome it is_." Noire quickly said, stopping Ruby from pinching herself,

"That was oddly specific." Blake noted, "What the Hell happened?"

" _Something I wish I could've shown to you_." Blake decided to leave it at that and went back to watching.

 **Washington:** You worked with them before. Do they have any hideouts, anywhere they go when they're in trouble?

"Yeah, that's called their bases." Weiss pointed out, "Which is where you're at right now."

"They fucking suck and they aren't your normal soldiers!" Yang called out, "What make you think the Reds and Blues have hideouts!?"

"Well, Washington is just covering his bases but he should've realized by now they don't exactly have the resources to build a secret base." Blake pointed out.

 **Doc:** I don't know.

 **Washington:**  Hit him again.

_The Meta hits Doc again._

**Doc:**  Ow!

" _This isn't going anywhere anytime soon_." Noire muttered, " _Interrogating people like the BGC is like… actually, I have no idea where I'm going with this._ " Multiple face palms were experienced at that moment.

 **Washington:**  Did Simmons say where Sarge and Grif were? You can either answer me, or I can have the Meta beat it out of you. Or,  _I_  can beat it out of you. I think I've earned it.

"Violence doesn't solve everything Washington, only most problems." Yang said as she gave Wash a disappointed look.

 **Doc:** Man, you guys are really awful at the Good Cop/Bad Cop thing. You're like, Bad Cop and Even Worse Cop.

"No, it's more like guy in a mental Institution who's trying to act like a cop and guy who escaped death row, killed a cop and now serving its own version of justice… cop." Ruby said, "Yeah, that was lame."

 **Washington:** Tell you what Meta, let's just shoot him in the chest, see if we can pull the audio logs out of his helmet.

"Isn't that the thing Tex did with Wyoming?" Weiss asked rhetorically, "Because that went well for her."

"Weiss!" Ruby shouted at the Heiress, quickly shifting into her Bitch Phase and was prepared to punch all the soul out of her,

"Oh, fuck! Sorry!" Weiss quickly apologized, having just realized what she just said and not wanting to feel pain today,

*sigh* "It's alright." Ruby said in a quiet voice as she calmed down, "Just don't say anything like that again."

 **Doc:** Uh-ah-he said something about a distress call!

"A little bit more specific, Doc." Blake muttered.

 **Washington:**  Hit him again.

 **Meta:** ( _Growls_ )

 **Doc:**  And sand! H-he mentioned sand!

 **Washington:**  Sand...

" _So they've probably narrowed it down to desert and the beach but they aren't going to find Sandtrap anytime soon_." Noire said.

_Cut to the Reds spying on Church and Caboose from nearby_

**Church:** ( _to Caboose_ ) Alright, well, let's go then. I actually thought it would take longer to convince you. Come on. I wanna get to the facility before nightfall.

"Still kinda wondering what Church remembered." Yang whispered to herself.

 **Sarge:** Facility, eh? I knew the Blues were up to somethin'. Come on men, let's get after those Blues! Sounds like this is the big opportunity we've been waitin' for.

 **Grif:**  You mean our opportunity to find a place to hole up until this all blows over?

 **Simmons:** Some place that isn't a desert?

"Oh Grif, oh Simmons, it is never that simple, nor will it ever be that sane." Weiss said as she shook her head, "It's Sarge and until he dies, he will always try and do something irrelevant or stupid."

 **Sarge:** No! A place to finally restore the Blues to Command's database. Get yer typing fingers ready Simmons!

 **Simmons:**  ( _sigh_ ) Okay, I'll bring my carpal tunnel braces.

"I think we should get carpal tunnel braces too." Ruby suggested as she held her hand, "So much writing in school and don't get me started on exams…"

 **Sarge:**  If we're going to follow them we'll need a vehicle.

 **Grif:** Well I'm sure we can grab another one from the camp down there.

 **Simmons:** Why do we need a vehicle, the Blues are walking. I'm sure we can keep up with them on foot.

"Plus, car is going to give their position away thanks to the loud engine." Blake added, "Though, we don't know how long the journey is and whatever Church & Caboose are travelling too can't be good. May as well save up on their stamina and bring some extra firepower."

 **Grif:** On foot?!

 **Sarge:** Uh… Simmons? We're the Reds. We don't  _walk_  anywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended: in the largest possible vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if there's no cars available, we find the biggest, nastiest, meanest, land animal we possibly can, beat the crap out of it, and saddle that puppy up.

" _Which will maul you either before, during or after saddling that puppy up_." Noire muttered.

 **Grif:** On foot. Shame on you Simmons. Shame on you.

 **Simmons:**  Sorry.

 **Sarge:**  Let's just forget you ever mentioned it.

 **Grif:** I think this should go on his permanent record.

"He should senpukku." Blake suggested,

"The hell is that?" Yang asked,

"Honorable, Japanese suicide." Blake answered, "Or was it Chinese? Meh, whatever."

 **Simmons:** Oh just go get the fucking jeep jackass.

_Cut to Tucker on the pillar, and the Reds drive off in the background_

**Tucker:** Hey, where are you guys going!? Wait! Gah, dammit! Hey guys, listen. I know you want your super-cool piece of technology back. Those guys just took off. Probably to look for it. If you let me go, I can track it down for you, and bring it back.

_The aliens continue to try and kill Tucker_

"Fool them once, shame on them. Fool them twice, die by plasma." Weiss said in the sweetest tone she could muster.

 **Tucker:** No? Okay then, forget it. Oh my God look, a next gen smartphone! Can you believe they'd leave that just layin' around?

_The aliens turn to look, and Tucker jumps off the pillar and starts his Chopper_

**Tucker:** Fooled by the old prototype trick. Classic.

"Goddamn it Yang." RWB muttered as they pinched their noses and shook their heads,

"I had a very good reason to!" Yang quickly called out,

"We almost died!" Weiss shouted out,

"I was set on fire!" Blake exclaimed,

"And I got mentally scarred!" Ruby finished off before quickly adding, "Even more!"

" _And you did all of that, just so would get the latest Scroll that was considered obsolete a week later._ " Noire said as she sighed, choosing to leave out a little detail about that event and how she unintentionally got someone laid. Not saying who, all she could say was that it was someone they didn't expect.

 **Tucker:** Well, see ya bitches I'm outta here.

_Chopper doesn't move_

**Tucker:** What the-out of gas? Hey uh, you guys have any gas?

_The aliens aim at Tucker_

" _Yeah… you may wanna start running_." Noire suggested.

 **Tucker:** You know what? Fuck it, I'm just gonna run.

_Cut to Church and Caboose arriving outside the facility_

**Church:**  Alright, I think this is it.

"Holy crap, what happened to this place?" Yang asked, "What  _was_ this place exactly?"

"Well, you'll never know Yang until you look underneath the underneath." Ruby told her older sister, channeling Delta Ruby for a sec.

 **Caboose:** This? This doesn't look like anything.

 **Church:** Yeah. It's not supposed to, that's kinda the idea. Come on, this way.

"I wonder what's here…" Weiss muttered to herself.

 **Caboose:** Man. You really need to clean this place up.

 **Church:** Caboose!

 **Caboose:** Coming!

_Cuts to a warning sign, saying the area was electromagnetically sensitive before panning to the right._

"An area that doesn't like E. ?" Blake said as she raised an eyebrow, "You don't think…"

"It's either more Freelancer stuff, A.I or both." Weiss finished off as she narrowed her eyes, "What is Church looking for exactly? What did he remember? More importantly, where's the entrance?"

 **Church:** Come on. Oh yeah here we go. It's this way.

 **Caboose:**  My this way or your this way?

 **Church:**  There is no-it's the same this way!

"Oh fuck, here comes the minefield flashbacks." Yang groaned, "Yep, lost 12 IQ points already."

"You had IQ points, you fucking dumbass whore?" Ruby growled before slapping herself, "Sorry! Why do I hate you!? Oh no, I'm a horrible person…" Ruby sobbed out,

"It's okay. You kinda get used to it after a while." Yang sighed as she hugged the red Leader, "We'll get through this, I promise."

" _Plus, we're all equally horrible people_." Noire added, " _Remember Sister and how she died_?"

"Sister died?"

" _Exactly_."

_They arrive at a rather nice-looking wall_

**Church:** Okay yeah, this is, it. I think.

 **Caboose:** It's a wall. We came all this way for a wall?

"It's… a nice wall." Weiss said hesitantly, "I guess."

 **Church:**  Caboose!

 **Caboose:** Sorry.

_Behind them, on a tree, a screen comes on_

"Uh… is that a TV on a tree?" Ruby asked rhetorically, "And how did we not notice that until it turned on?"

" _Well, it's due to the lighting and the shade of the tree and the fact that I think we're going blind from watching too much TV._ " Noire explained, ' _Plus, the author is blind._ ' She mentally added.

 **Caboose:** It's a really, great, wall.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Hello. This is a private facility. Visitors are not welcome. Please leave immediately. Or, we will be forced to take lethal measures, to ensure the safety of our property.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHAT!?" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out, "SHEILA!?"

"The hell, how the-what the-hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh?" Yang tried to form actual words but couldn't process the necessary information in her brain to actually to form those words, "Ha buh! Vuh duh gah! CUNT!" And with that, Yang fainted from a brain overload,

"…She does realize that Shelia is probably the main A.I of Freelancer apart from the Alpha, and they're bound to have multiple copies of her, right?" Weiss pointed out,

"No, I think it's more like Shelia can be anything, even an entire facility." Blake said,

"You can't have sex with a building." Ruby spoke up as she desperately tried not to say anything about sex dolls and sex toys and any other inanimate object involved in sex, "And I'm her little sister, I should know more than you do." She did let some drool escape her mouth though,

"And I wish you did." Blake groaned,

" _Do tell, my lovely little Pussy_." Noire said, trying to get details off of her, only for Blake to casually activate her shock collar, " _For forever, I will regret nothing_!"

 **Caboose:** That is great.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** You have thirty seconds to comply, or die. Have a nice day!

"Y-You too Sheila…" Yang said dizzily as she managed to regain her spot on the couch, "Have a nice day…"

 **Caboose:**  Sheila? Is that you?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  No. I am the Freelancer Integrated Logistics and Security System. You may call me F.I.L.S.S.

"Oh… so that's why Sheila's name was Phyllis before Church changed her name back at Season… 2? Or was it 3? Ah, fuck it, it was when Church went back in time." Ruby said, "Good to know."

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  It is a pleasure to meet you. You now have, fifteen, seconds to live.

 **Church:** Whoa. Dying sounds like a bad idea. Maybe we should leave.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Oh my, the Director. I am so sorry, I did not recognize you Sir. It has been such a long time since you have visited. You look very different.

The RWBYs and Noire raised their eyebrows as they heard Shelia say that, "Uh… what?" Weiss said in disbelief, "Like, in all sense of the word,  _what_!?"

"Yeah, apart from the different voice, different size, different body, different mental state, different species and different means of creation, he's totally the Director." Blake said sarcastically,

" _Has Sheila always been this dumb_?" Noire asked,

"SHE ISN'T DUMB!" Yang shouted at the pervert, "But this one is."

 **Church:** Talkin' to me?

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Yes. You are the Director of Project Freelancer, are you not?

 **Church:** Oh uh, yeah. Of course, that's-totally me. I just haven't been around because I've been, doing, you know... Director stuff. Can't really get into it. Secret project.

"You know, this mistake could've been easily been avoided if they had a hand scanner." Weiss pointed out, "Or something that only allows living organisms to enter who are allowed to enter."

"Man, the budget for the Project must've been small." Ruby muttered.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** How may I assist you today?

 **Church:**  Can we uh... Can we come in?

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Certainly.

_The wall opens in front of them._

"No wonder it's such a nice wall." Yang whispered to herself, "Though the TV thing kinda ruins the purpose of a secret entrance."

"And this is why Project Freelancer is gone." Blake said, "And hopefully, will stay gone."

"But it'll never be gone until the Director is in jail or six feet under." Ruby finished off.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Please watch your step.

 **Caboose:**  Kinda spooky in there.

 **Church:** Yeah... Why don't you go first?

" _Let's see, ancient piece of technology that made a race essentially Gods or idiot with god-like strength and negative IQ levels. Take your bet who pees their pants first_." Noire announced, " _Or, in Church's case, poots his exhaust port._ " This earned some snickers in the room.

 **Caboose:** Me?

 **Church:** Well I mean, you're the one with, the gun, and everything.

 **Caboose:** Yeah, but the tree seemed to like you best.

"The facility is probably empty anyway and with 'F.I.L.S.S' thinking Church the Angry Bowling Ball is the Director, I'm sure everything is safe." Yang said.

 **Caboose:** Uh hey Sheila could you-

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Are you speaking to me?

 **Church:** We're just kinda used to calling you, by that name? Um, maybe you should just answer him when he calls you that. Probably easier for you to change than it is for him. He's kinda dumb.

"Well, no fucking shit Church." Blake muttered.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Alright. I will respond to that name as well. You are the Director after all.

 **Church:**  Right. I am.

"Okay, I feel like I've kept asking this but what the hell did Church remember exactly?" Weiss asked,

"Well, it obviously due to something related to the Director and Project Freelancer, but pretty much everything in RvB is related to them so that isn't much to go from." Blake answered, "But whatever it is, Church must really want it."

"Maybe it's a new body or a time travel thing." Ruby guessed before gasping, "Or a super-advanced, planet-busting gun!" Ruby squealed at the thought,

"I'm pretty sure it isn't a weapon." Yang told the red Leader before she gained a space-out look on her face, "Please let it be a car…"

" _While Yang fantasizes about losing her virginity to Moto-kun, let's get some actual answers and do this shit._ " Noire said as she gave the remote to Weiss,

"Yeah, let's." Weiss responded as she pressed play.

**(Perusing The Archive)**

_Fade in to Church and Caboose wandering some halls_

**F.I.L.S.S:** Please watch your step. Director, since you have a new visitor with you today, would you like me to run the tutorial program?

"There's a tutorial program for a facility?" Yang asked as she raised an eyebrow, "Uh… isn't that called a 'tour guide'?"

"At least Sheila isn't as annoying as one." Weiss said as she silently cursed every annoying tour guide she knew… which was all of them.

 **Caboose:** Yes, always run that. No seriously you need to run that.

"I know it's just Caboose being lost at… everything but it would be nice to find out some new information on Freelancer and having a tour guide wouldn't hurt." Blake admitted, causing Weiss to groan,

"What is it Weiss?" Ruby asked as she noticed the Heiress' grimace, "Do you want a hug?"

"I'm fine you dolt, now let's get back to watching." Weiss replied a bit harsher than she intended, causing Ruby to tear up,

"That was mean…" Ruby said to herself quietly before her tone went a little bit more violent, "…You motherfingering PIECE OF SHIT!" And with that, Ruby did a German Suplex and smashed Weiss through the table, "FUCK YEAH!" When she realized what she had done, she squeaked and went into her hidden hiding spot, "P-P-P-Please, so-s-so-s-s-sorry…"

"Ow." Weiss uttered as she didn't even bother getting up, "Please tell me this Phase will pass soon."

" _The only thing I can say is that it isn't coming soon enough_." Noire said as the others groaned, " _Plus, nice suplex there Ruby._ " She got the world's fastest high five in the world in response, "… _I think you broke my wrist._ " Suddenly, painkillers appeared on Weiss' back, " _Man, it's good to have a ninja as a friend._ " Blake cleared her throat, reminding everyone who the team ninja was, " _Don't worry, my little Pussy Cat, we didn't forget you_?  _Are you jealous again_?" Blake only stared at her with a blank face before holding up the shock collar remote.

*BZZZZT!*

"At one point, you're going to tell us where exactly your shock collar is, right?" Yang pointed out as Noire slowly recovered,

" _I will tell someone, only when conditions are met._ "

"I'm really tired of all this cryptic shit already…" Weiss said as she pinched the bridge of her nose, "If I deal with more this summer, I'm going to destroy something."

 **Caboose:** No it's, really you need to, you need to turn that-

 **Church:** Yeah okay shut up dude. Yes, please run the tutorial program.

 **Caboose:** Oh thank God.

"Is Sheila only good for tutorial programs?" Weiss asked, not expecting an answer, "Because she is more than that. We should know, we've seen her outside of the tutorial programs."

_Chime sounds, and F.I.L.S.S talks as Church and Caboose walk through the facility_

**F.I.L.S.S:** Hello, and welcome to the Freelancer Offsite Storage Facility. Project Freelancer is a state of the art scientific endeavour, with one goal in mind: to ensure the security of humanity in a harsh and violent Galaxy.

"Considering they're fighting a 'harsh' and 'violent' galaxy, by being harsh and violent, really goes to show how we're no different from the aliens." Blake noted.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** This bunker has been constructed to guarantee the continued operation of our program, in the event of a primary facility loss. This storage area archives all the components of our Freelancer simulation bases. These outposts test our agents in realistic training scenarios.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah, we're on the Blue Team!

"At least Caboose knows that he isn't a real soldier." Ruby muttered, "Hell, I even think Caboose knows that he's a video game character."

"You know, I'd actually believe that." Yang admitted.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I am sorry, I do not recognize that term. Our simulation outposts are categorized into Red, and [entry missing]. Hmm, it seems as though I have a corrupted database.

" _Yeah, completely corrupted by a thing called the Reds_." Noire said, " _You know, the team who took it too seriously. Well, the team who has a guy who takes it too seriously… fails at everything he does at wiping out the Blues. Literally, the only Blue they killed was Tex and Church and they probably don't even count by now._ "

 **F.I.L.S.S:** I will correct that when I have more time.

"Or the Reds break in and delete themselves." Blake added in a deadpan tone.

 **Caboose:** Uheh-there's our old stuff! And there's a teleporter! Man, Tucker hates those.

"They really need to fix those things, huh?" Ruby muttered.

 **Church:** Don't interrupt. Come on. This way.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  When the equipment is not being used, it is stored here until it can be repurposed for-oh. I guess we are moving on.

"Hurry up and get over with the stupid tour already." Weiss grumbled to herself,

"Someone's on their period~" Yang sand out, only to be growled at causing her to shut up.

_Church and Caboose come to a door at the end of a hallway_

**Caboose:**  Well what's this?

" _You mind explaining this, Sheila_?" Noire said.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** I am sorry, this area is restricted. Only the Director himself may access this entry.

"Who is technically here." Yang added in, "Is this what Church remembered? They came all this way for what's behind that door?"

"It better be good." Blake said as she crossed her arms.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** I am sure you understand. The nature of our experiments is such that-

 **Church:** Open it.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Excuse me Director?

"He said open it. So go and open that shit up." Ruby said.

 **Church:**  I want you to open it.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Are you certain Director? You never bring visitors into this-

 **Church:**  I said, open it.

" _Okay, this has to be really important because the anticipation is stabbing me in the heart over and over again until all my blood is literally out of my body_." Noire said as she thrust an imaginary knife into her chest repeatedly, " _And my head is removed from my neck. I forgot the other two but I'm pretty sure I would be dead. Crosses in my eyes and everything._ "

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Alright. Unlocking.

_The door unlocks and opens._

**F.I.L.S.S:**  Would you like me to archive your ...personal project?

"Uh, what is it about a personal project?" Weiss asked rhetorically, "What is the Director working on? And why is Church interested in this?"

"Well, we're about to find out." Yang said as everyone leaned forward.

 **Church:**  No. Let's see everything.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** If you say so Director.

_Cut to the Reds at the outside of the hugely complex, high tech facility_

"FUCK!" The girls cried out,

"Why do the Reds have to ruin everything!?: Yang exclaimed.

 **Sarge:** Simmons, what's the status report?

 **Simmons:**  Gumball McJones and Caboose just went into that door.

 **Grif:**  What door? All I see is a wall.

"And a very nice wall at that." Blake quickly said.

 **Simmons:**  It's a secret door.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, what did I tell you about using Dungeons and Dragons references in combat situations?

At that, the girls looked at Ruby. She looked around to see if it was anyone else, "What?" She asked,

"You know, you also used some references from board games in some of our mission." Weiss replied before she made a glare, "And they ended in failure."

"Hey! I was just thinking outside of the box!" The red Leader defended herself,

"And that thinking nearly got us killed." Blake deadpanned, "Multiple times, I may add."

"Oh come on! It wasn't that bad!"

"Sorry to say Rubes, but it was that bad." Yang shrugged, "But, while they were exci-oh who the fuck am I kidding, they sucked!"

Ruby just crossed her arms and pouted, "Man, you guys suck."

" _That depends on what we suck on. Meow Meow Chicka Meow._ " Noire smirked while looking at Blake. There was no hesitation.

*BZZZZT!*

" _I thought we were friends_ …" Noire groaned as she got up,

*cough* "Taking over my body." *cough* Blake said as she placed the remote in her pocket,

' _Okay, I understand. I still need to pay for that._ ' Noire sighed in her mind, ' _Thank you Yue Twili for the joke_!'

 **Simmons:**  ( _sigh_ ) Sorry Sir. It's a concealed door.

 **Sarge:**  That's better.

"It's no different…" Ruby grumbled to herself.

 **Grif:** How did they open it?

 **Simmons:** They talked to that computer. They got it to open the door by posing as members of Project Freelancer. If we pose as agents, it'll probably let us in too.

"Well, technically they are members of Project Freelance and that Church is the Director but it is a sound plan." Blake admitted.

 **Grif:** Aren't agents like tough, and good at things?

"Yeah, well, F.I.L.S.S is fucking dumb. She can't tell the difference between a ball and a human being." Yang pointed out, "Plus, with the armour looking similar to real Freelancer armour, I'm sure they can pull it off… long enough for them to completely fuck it up."

 **Simmons:** We all just pick a State name and call ourselves by that. You know, like Agent Washington. Grif, name a State.

 **Grif:**  What is this, a pop quiz? Uuh, let's see, uh the Manhattan. No? Uhh, Europe.

 **Simmons:** Wow. Really?

"No idea what those places are but I know they're definitely not a state." Weiss said.

 **Grif:** Pacific Ocean?

 **Simmons:**  Stop guessing.

"That's an ocean idiot!" The RWBYs and Noire called out,

" _Okay, definitely fourth dumbest out of the BGC._ " Noire said as she shook her head in disappointment,

"Who are the others?" Ruby asked, only to be growled at,

" _Oh, you already know. From dumbest to Grif: Caboose, Donut and Sarge._ " Noire answered with a glare,

"Hey! Why are you so mean to Ruby?" Yang questioned as her eyes flashed red, "What did she do to you?"

" _I can't say but all I can say is that it isn't about me._ " The girls wanted to press further but knew they weren't getting anything out of Noire for now so they went back to watching,

"We'll figure it out someday. I know it."

 **Simmons:** Just be Agent Alaska. How 'bout you Sarge?

 **Sarge:**  I'll be Secret Agent Double Ohio. License to be tall in the middle, and round on both ends.

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_." Noire quickly said,

"Wait, how c-" Blake paused as she and the others replayed what Sarge had said in their heads, and promptly groaned when they realized it, "God damn it."

 **Simmons:**  And I'll be Agent Denial. Yehehit's, because a state of denial, like the saying? You know, it's like a, I was, you know, the whole State/state thing? You know it's a, joke.

"Boo!" Ruby called out as she gave a thumbs down,

"You suck!" Weiss exclaimed,

"Get off the stage!" Blake shouted out,

"My dad tells better jokes!" Yang yelled out,

" _Your jokes are bad and you should feel bad_! _Now shut up and give me back my money because I don't wanna live on this planet anymore_!" Noire cried out, ' _Three Futurama memes, check. God, I miss that show._ ' Noire thought.

 **Grif:** No dude, jokes are funny.

 **Simmons:** Hhh, let's just go.

_Cut to Washington leading the Meta, who's dragging the cement wall with an embedded Doc through the desert_

"Huh, I thought they would leave Doc at Valhalla." Yang muttered, "Guess they still him for… whatever they need him for. He isn't that good of a medic and like hell he's going to help them fight, even if he wasn't stuck in concrete."

"Maybe he's food for the Meta." Ruby joked before thinking, "…That …isn't that improbable."

 **Washington:** The recovery beacon leads here. It's weak, but I can still pick it up. ...Here. Meta, dig.

" _Whoa, a recovery beacon_?  _In Sandtrap_?  _Hold on, where is it coming from_?  _Is the Epsilon unit sending the signal_?" Noire questioned,

"Well, most likely not but… wait," Blake muttered to herself before she figured it out, "C.T had different armour to the Rouges. Maybe…"

"C.T was either a Freelancer or stole the armour off of another Freelancer before the Meta or Command could take it!" Yang finished off, "Man, Freelancers fall fast."

"And it only gets worse from here." Weiss mumbled.

 **Meta:** ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:**  Hey, I'm not gonna argue with you about this. You want a chance at that A.I.? I track, you dig. Otherwise, you can wander the desert by yourself, and see if you find him on your own.

" _Especially when he isn't in the desert anymore_." Noire muttered.

 **Meta:** ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:**  Because I found the signal. You dig. We all have to pull our own weight.

_The Meta looks back at Doc encased in concrete_

"And other people's weight too." Weiss added in.

 **Washington:**  Right, and other people's weight too.

"FUCK!" Weiss shouted out as she stomped on what was left of the table, "I don't wanna betray my friends! I WON'T!"

"Weiss, it's just the insanity talking." Ruby said as she grabbed hold of her partner, "Just take deep breaths and repeat after me. I am Church, and I will never be Washington."

"I am Church, and I will never be Washington."

"I am Church, and I will never be Washington."

"I am Church, and I will never be Washington."

"I am Weiss Schnee, and I will never be as awesome as Ruby Rose."

"I am Weiss Schnee, and I will never-wait, HEY!"

"And now everything is right in the universe." Yang said before everyone calmed down and went back to watching.

 **Doc:** Just dig.

_The Meta starts digging_

**Doc:** Man, some people just can't take orders. Am I right?

 **Washington:**  Shut up, we're not friends.

" _Well, he's got nothing better to do. Being stuck in a wall and all_." Noire muttered.

 **Doc:** Can I at least get a drink of water?

 **Washington:**  Shut up. I already asked you if you were thirsty before we left.

"It's a desert! A hot, stinking giant sandbox with the sun burning the very skin off your body!" Ruby exclaimed, "Water shouldn't be something you should ask before you go into a desert!"

"And they were called professionals." Weiss scoffed as she rolled her eyes.

 **Doc:** Yeah we're in the desert! Thirsty should be assumed.

 **Washington:** You can drink later.

_Doc then starts sinking_

"Then should really get Doc out of there." Blake said, "If he's going to be useless, at least give him the means to walk."

 **Doc:** Yeah, this might be a bad time to tell you that I'm sinking then.

 **Washington:**  ...I hate you.

"We hate you too, Washington." The girls said in unison.

 **Doc:**  I know.

_The Meta stops digging_

"Alright, let's see if our prediction was right." Yang said as everyone leaned forward.

 **Doc:**  Can we-what're you guys doing over there?

_Wash looks down into the Meta's hole and sees a severed head, or else he was buried standing up_

"So it was C.T." Ruby muttered, "A Freelancer. Who essentially lost to target practice."

" _And_   _the cutest little Death Star in the galaxy_." Noire added in, " _And Washington called them nothing._ "

 **Washington:**  What the-is that C.T.? That's impossible, what's she doing out here?

"Maybe he abandoned the Project and-" Yang started say before realizing what Wash had just said as she gasped, the others jaws just dropped, "Did he just say 'she'!? As in, C.T was a girl!? Holy shit, is this Tex all over again!?"

"So, whoever this guy was must taken C.T's equipment and identity. What kind of sick fucker does that? The equipment, I can understand but someone's identity? That's just sick." Weiss said in disgust,

"Everyone has their own reasons but until we know, 'C.T' basically just grave-robbed a Freelancer." Blake answered as she shook her head.

 **Doc:** What're you looking at?

 **Meta:** ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:** Don't bother. She didn't get an A.I., remember?

" _Good thing too. Or else 'C.T' would've wiped the floor with the Reds & Blues and take Epsilon to whoever wanted to buy him_." Noire said, " _Plus, we don't want the Meta getting its hands on another A.I, do we_?"

 **Doc:** Down in front!

 **Washington:** Scavenge her for equipment, see what you can...

_The aliens provide an audience for them_

"Why do we keep forgetting about stuff?" Yang groaned, "Welp, time to see the aliens kill them. I vote Doc goes first."

"SECONDED!" The others shouted out.

 **Washington:**...find.

 **Doc:** Well, this is just fuckin' great.

_Church and Caboose are roaming the halls together until they come to a room filled with Church bodies_

"Wait, this is Church wanted? An army of himself!?" Ruby said in disbelief before shaking her head, "Wait, you know what? That makes sense. If there are two Churches in the universe, why not have more."

"Then the universe would implode into a black hole of narcissism." Weiss joked, "But anyway, this isn't it, isn't it? There's more to this than more bodies for Church to use."

 **Caboose:** Oh my God! Look at all the yous! You're everywhere! Why this is like a Best Friend Store, and this is the greatest store ever! You can have your body back! Now which one do you want? I wanna buy one.

" _I wouldn't mind getting one just for the armour_." Noire admitted, " _I just have to Paint It Black… by Rolling Stones, manIlovedthatsonginGuitarHeroWarriorsofRockbutmygoditgothitwothcopyrighthardonYouTube. Heheh, 'hard on'. Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

"What the hell did you just say?" Ruby asked,

" _None of your fucking business._ "

 **Church:** I'm not looking for that.

_A person-sized cryo chamber opens in front of Church_

"Is that… a cyro chamber? Holy shit, what did Church remember!?" Yang exclaimed.

 **Church:**  I'm looking, for this.

 **Caboose:**  Oh.

"This… might not end well." Weiss said before stretching her muscles,

"Alright this is the last one for the set, anyone wanna say something?" Ruby asked. Everyone shook their heads,

"I wanna hurry up and find out what Church found so hurry up and press play!" Yang said while bouncing on her seat. After snapping out of the hypnotic trance bouncing boobs, Ruby picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Backup Plans)**

_Fade in to Wash and the Meta getting ready_

**Washington:**  Alright Meta, get ready. Fire!

_Wash tosses a grenade, and the Meta fires one_

**Washington:**  Huh, well that actually seemed to work.

"What!? They killed all the aliens already!?" Ruby exclaimed, "Oh come on!"

"Why can't they just die already?" Weiss grumbled to herself.

_Cut to Doc, free from his stone prison_

**Doc:**...Ow!

"Or… not." Blake deadpanned,

"…Why didn't they do it before they had to drag Doc to Sandtrap?" Yang asked with a raised eyebrow,

" _They probably guessed they would kill Doc if they did._ " Noire answered, " _Though I am still question why they brought him along. He isn't exactly the most useful._ "

 **Washington:** Doc, how do you feel?

 **Doc:** Uh okay I guess, all things considered-hey does anybody know where we can find a good medic?

The girls proceeded to face palm as Doc said that, "And maybe an underwear store while you're at it!" Yang called out.

 **Washington:**  I don't get paid enough for this.

" _I'm_   _pretty you're not getting paid at all_." Noire said in a flat tone, " _Unlike me, where I do actually get paid, just not enough_   _for what I have to do._ "

"YOU DON'T GET PAID AT ALL!" The RWBYs shouted at her.

_Wash wanders off, and the Meta slowly follows_

**Doc:** Geeze, tough room.

"Well, they don't exactly have the greatest sense of humour." Blake pointed out.

_Cut to the Reds just inside the facility_

**Grif:**  I told you that stupid plan wouldn't work.

 **Simmons:**  That's because you said your name was Agent Pluto!

Cue the entire team face palming at the stupidity, "I don't even know what the fuck a Pluto is but I'm pretty sure that's a name of a dog!" Weiss yelled out, "Or a planet! Or a God! …Wait, does Pluto sound like a planet?" The others shrugged at the Heiress as they didn't have an answer.

 **Sarge:**  Heh, luckily we had the old contingency plan to fall back on.

 **Grif:**  Sarge, Shotgun In The Face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that.

_Cut to a F.I.L.S.S outside the base on the tree who has taken a shotgun to the face_

"Sarge of the Blood Gulch Reds, shooting his way out of problems since the creation of the Reds." Ruby said,

"They seriously need to upgrade the security at Freelancer." Yang muttered.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Hhhhhhllo, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility.

" _Hello, your security sucks ass. Hello, your security sucks ass_." Noire said, imitating Sheila's robotic voice.

_Back to the Reds_

**Sarge:**  Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun In The Face can be applied in a variety of tough situations. For instance, watch how quickly it cures insubordination.

"As well as the horrible disease know as Sub-Average Intelligence." Ruby added in a cliché movie announcer voice.

 **Caboose:**  Oh no!

_Crash, tinkle_

"Uh, what was that?" Yang questioned,

"I'm guessing Church's little project doesn't like him." Weiss answered.

 **Simmons:** What was that?

 **Sarge:**  It came from down here. Come on.

_Cut to one of the aliens drawing something in the sand for Wash_

"Huh, I guess they managed to convince the aliens to help them." Blake noted.

 **Washington:**  I don't like this.

" _We don't like this either_." Noire replied, " _Everything that involved aliens usually comes with someone getting fucked by the end._ "

"I wouldn't mind that." Ruby said as she and Noire started giggling perversely, causing the others to… look horrified at the red Leader. Then said Leader realized what she just said, "I mean the fucked part! Not the aliens! I-I-I…" Unable to handle the embarrassment, she disappeared in a burst of rose petals.

 **Doc:** Look, I talked to them. They're gonna draw us a map and show us where Epsilon went. After that you can let me go.

 **Washington:** You sure that's what he's doing?

 **Doc:**  Well, my Alien to English is a little rusty. I would suggest we get one of those translator balls, but we got enough jerks around here already.

"Dude, everybody except you are jerks and everyone you know are either jerks or dumbasses." Weiss pointed out, "But at least the idiots won't betray you. …Well, the Blues anyway and most of the Reds anyway."

 **Meta:** ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:** I agree. We should just kill most of them, the last one left alive will talk.

 **Doc** (& RWBY and Noire) **:**  Wash, you just can't kill everybody you meet.

"That's a crime." Yang stated, "An intergalactic crime that could spark a war, but a crime never the less."

 **Washington:** Why not?

"Yeah, he doesn't particularly care at this point considering how much shit he had to deal with prior." Weiss said.

 **Doc:**  Uh... well now you're putting me on the spot, I don't really have an answer for that, just seems like a bad idea though. Karma?

" _Which your cunt will be filled with any time now_." Noire added in.

 **Alien:** Rarh. Blarggh.

 **Doc:**  Hey, he's done drawing the map.

"I wonder how the aliens knew exactly where the Reds & Blues are going." Ruby thought out loud.

 **Alien:**  Rr-rarrar, hunrarrar unhunrarrarrar.

"What's the alien saying, Noire?" Blake had to ask,

" _I dunno_." Noire replied with a shrug, " _I don't feel like translating today… unless it's what you're trying to say while your mind is blank, Meow Chicka Meow Meow_!"

*BZZZZT!*

" _Worth it._ "

 **Doc:** What does it say? What does it say?

_Cut to a poorly drawn picture of dead stick man with the word 'shisno' pointing at it and the words 'Humens Suk' drawn into the sand_

The only humans in the room just stared at the screen while the Faunus just held back a snicker, "…Welp, I know whose getting fucked now." Weiss deadpanned, "Goodbye Smith and your band of racist alien brethren."

"You're the one to talk, Princess." Yang spoke up, "Or do you not remember."

"It was a long time ago. I learned my lesson. Can't help you learn yours though, Sister."

"GAH! I'M NOT SISTER!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Someone will believe eventually." RWB & Noire said in unison as they rolled their eyes,

"You guys are the worst friends ever." Yang sighed, but smirk as she knew what was coming next,

"Of all time." Weiss quickly added before slamming her head into the table debris, "FUCK!"

"After this episode, we're getting a new table." Blake said rather causally, having finally gotten used to basically everything that's happened over the summer,

"Well, on the bright side…" Ruby started before trailing, "…Yeah, I've got nothing."

 **Washington:** It says peace talks have broken down. Now we do it our way.

_The Meta starts shooting at the Aliens. We cut back to Caboose outside the door while Church is messing around inside_

**Church:** Just hold still. No don't go-

_Crash, tinkle_

"Someone doesn't like being disturbed from their nap~" Yang sang out.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** I sense things are not going well.

"What was your first clue?" Weiss asked rhetorically.

 **Caboose:**  Yes please just keep the door shut, thank you that's fine.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** I am sorry, but if the Director requests the door to be opened, I am required to comply.

 **Caboose:**  Just keep the door shut.

"Whatever's in there must be really pissed." Ruby noted, "What the hell did Church wake up?"

 **Grif:** Caboose, is that you?

 **Church:**  Stop! Don't move, don't move, don't-

_Crash, tinkle_

**Church:**  Hrhhh.

" _Uh, yeah, this is going to end badly for everyone_." Noire deadpanned.

 **Caboose:** Oh! Oh hello everyone!

 **Church:**  Stop!

 **Caboose:**  Yes. Everyone who wasn't here before is now here now. Hello.

 **Sarge:**  What're you up to, Blue.

"Apparently, not dying from whatever Church woke up." Blake answered.

 **Caboose:** Me? Oh nothing. I'm not hiding anything behind this door.

 **Church:**  Uh, I wouldn't pick that up it looks expensive-

_Crash, tinkle_

"Hey, anything that looks expensive is worth breaking." Yang said with a mad grin on her face, "Like…"

"We're not destroying school property!" Weiss shouted at the Blonde Brawler,

"Oh, I'm sure your family's monopoly on Dust can cover any damage we do to Beacon. And I wasn't even suggesting that. …I was planning on razing that tower thing where Ruby fought Cinder during the dance. I forgot the name the place."

"Really? I mean,  _really_!?" Blake asked incredulously, "This isn't about the fact you want to destroy an entire building, which I won't let you even touch. No, it's more due to the fact you don't even know what the tower is even  _called_ after a god damn year here."

"Well, we have been experiencing memory lapses so it isn't that weird." Ruby pointed out after switching to Delta Ruby, "Anyway, Ruby even forgot what it was called. Do you guys know?"

"Of course I know!" Weiss scoffed, before her eyes widened, "…Fuck."

"When is this going to end?" Blake groaned,

" _When it's the end._ " Noire answered as if it was obvious, causing the others to groan.

 **Simmons:** Euh, I think he's lying.

 **Grif:**  What was your first clue?

 **Sarge:**  Let us see what's in there.

"Uh… that's a really bad idea, considering whatever's behind that door could be dangerous." Ruby said.

 **Caboose:**  In here? Oh. Nothing is in here. Um, well this probably isn't even a door, either. It's, probably-

_The door shakes with a bang_

"And now it's attempting to escape." Weiss said as she shook her head, "Yeah, this will not end well for the Reds."

 **Sarge:**  What the heck was that?

 **Caboose:**  Oh that was me. Uh, I said this isn't a door, I said it's a  _gong_!

 **Grif:** A gong, what the hell is a-

_Another bang dents the door outwards_

The girls leaned back as they saw the dent, "Oh, they are so boned." Blake said.

 **Caboose:** Ah _gong_!

_Part of the lock gets pushed out from the inside_

"'Boned'? How about screwed beyond all reasoning and doubt." Yang said as she rubbed her hands together, "This is going to be fun."

 **Caboose:** I'm just going to walk over this way, now, excuse me. Yes, thank you. Pardon me, coming through.

_Caboose walks right past the Reds and continues walking through the base as the door continues to thump_

" _Reds, you may need to follow Caboose's lead. Right. Now._ " Noire said slowly as everyone winced at every dent the door got.

 **Caboose:**  Yes excuse me, yes pardon me. Excuse me, yes thank you. Pardon me, coming through. Yes excuse me, yes pardon me.

_The door continues being bent out from behind and shaking_

"…So how much do you guys bet that whatever's on the other side of that door is as strong as Yang?" Blake asked. Yang only grinned when she heard that,

"Nada. I can do that in my sleep." The Blonde Brawler said,

" _Hm_ …  _two hundred Lien says that it can match Yang, but Yang would win in the end_." Noire said after thinking for a moment,

"I second that!" Ruby called out as she pulled out her Lien, only for Noire to growl at her. She gave Noire 150 Lien and that got her to stop. Blake nodded before turning to Weiss,

"What about you, Weiss?" Blake asked with a raised eyebrow. Weiss crossed her arms and closed her eyes in thought as she tried to figure out her bet. After a minute of silence, she knew what she was going to do,

"…A thousand Lien says whatever's on the other side of that door could curb stomp Yang. And us." Weiss finally said,

"What!?" Yang exclaimed as she stood up, "Do you really have that little faith in me, Weiss!?" Weiss then shifted her gaze over to Yang,

"Yang, that door is made out of pressurized steel, maybe stronger, that could probably hold you without much of an issue, even with your Semblance." Yang only scoffed in response and was ready to retort… then stops herself,

"…What makes you think that?" Yang asked after she swallowed some saliva,

"Judging from the amount of effort that went into making that door in the first place, it's very obvious they're looking to keep whatever's in there, in. Rocket launchers to  _Spartan Lasers_ are certain to do little to no damage, let along get the thing open. And whatever's in there has left dents in that door with every strike."

"… Point taken… but that still doesn't answer the question of what's on the other side…"

"Well, we're about to find out." Ruby said as everyone took their seats and leaned forward.

 **Grif:** Um, Sarge, what's the plan here?

 **Sarge:**  Men, we have a perfect ambush scenario.

 **Simmons:**  I agree. Unless wait, are we the ambushers or, the ambushees. Hey, can you ambush something that's trying to beat its way through metal plating to get to you?

"This isn't going to be an ambush, it's going to be a massacre." Blake corrected, "One of epic proportions."

 **Sarge:**  Okay, first, we just wait for the door to open-

_The door is slowly crumbled, and then shoots off the hinges over top of them_

"…Okay, definitely stronger than I am." Yang said as they watched in amazement.

 **Grif:** Door's open.

 **Sarge:**  What the-hh?

_The figure is revealed, silhouetted against the white light, and starts walking out the room, before cracking her knuckles and neck._

The girls shivered at the sight of the dangerous, very familiar figure. The voice that followed pretty much shut down their brains.

 **Tex:** Okay. So who's first?

The screen the goes black. They were silent for what felt like an eternity. Then, Ruby broke the silence, "Well." Ruby squeaked out, "That was nothing short of… of…"

"Horrifying." Weiss finished off,

' _Thank you Jarl of the North for the joke_.' Noire thought before speaking up, " _So_ …  _next set_?" The RWBYs didn't hear her as there was only one thought on their mind.

The Blood Gulch Reds and Blues were fucked.

"… … … … … … … _Cue the awesome_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	66. The Orgy of Violence (This One Goes To Eleven, Restraining Orders, Snooze Button)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and transcripts all come from the wiki and is owned by RT.
> 
> Load Game… Start!

As they sat there staring at the screen, thoughts and questions were running through their heads. Some of them being admittingly stupid and otherwise pointless while others were thought provoking and made them question their very existence.

And then there was Ruby, who was staring blankly into space.

'Uh… yeah, that'll work. Hooray for me!' Ruby thought before shaking her head, "So… the Reds are kinda fucked, huh?" Ruby stated after a couple minutes of silence,

"Yeah, they kinda are." Blake admitted,

"I'm still kinda upset that you think Tex can kick our asses." Yang said as she looked at Weiss, "Um, sorry to burst your bubble but, uh, I can definitely kick some serious Tex-ass thank you very much Princess."

"One," Weiss started before throwing an apple at Yang, which she dodged, "Two, it is a metal that is possibly everything proof! And Tex just kicked it down like it was nothing!"

" _Well, more like completely obliterated it but yeah, basically that._ " Noire spoke up, " _But I wonder how Epsilon created a new Tex._ "

"Noire, this is the Director's project, not Church's." Blake pointed out, "And Washington did say Tex was special to the Director, maybe he was trying to create another Tex. And apparently she is kinda pissed that she's alive."

" _Maybe, but why_?  _I don't know about you guys, but I like the concept of having a life._ " ' _Even though it isn't that much of a life to live._ ' Noire mentally added,

"Or maybe she was taking a nap." Yang guessed, "I would be cranky if I was rudely woken up by some asshole."

"I am surprised Beacon hasn't been bankrupt by us yet." Weiss muttered, "But mainly by you Yang."

"I bet by the end of the summer, we will destroy something due to our insanity." Blake said, "Mark my words, we will destroy something expensive."

" _Ozpin's coffee was 2500 Lien a bag._ " Noire said casually,

"Scratch that. By the end of the summer we'll destroy something big."

"Hey, we may be losing our sanity but at least we have enough self-control to not do that." Ruby said as she looked at everyone, "Anyway, c'mon! Let's go see Tex kick the Reds collective ass!"

"Well, let's see what Tex has after being away for 2 seasons." Weiss said as she got herself comfortable,

"This is certainly going to be interesting." Blake muttered,

"Hurry up and start!" Yang called out, extremely excited for the fight,

" _And… CUE THE AWESOME_!" Noire shouted out as she picked up the remote, threw it up into the air for style and pressed play.

**(This One Goes To Eleven)**

**F.I.L.S.S:**  ( _voice over_ ) Alarm, security breach, level Alpha. All personnel report for duty. This is not a drill.

"Well, NO SHIT IT'S NOT A DRILL!" The girls shouted out.

_Fade in to the Reds running from Tex, and Caboose in a control room overlooking it_

**Simmons:**  Run!

 **Grif:**  Oh crap! Where is she?

 **Simmons:**  I don't wanna die!

"You can run but you can't hide~" Ruby sang out, her Creepy Phase taking over, causing shivers to go down everyone's spines.

 **Caboose:**  Sheila, we have to help them.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Help who?

"I don't know who you should help, Sheila." Yang said sarcastically, "Maybe the Reds who haven't been in a real war or the FREELANCER ROBOT LADY WHO CAN MAKE DENTS IN SOLID, VERY THICK STEEL SHIT!"

"'Robot Lady'?" Weiss asked,

"I heard her servos working when she cracked her neck."

"Oh, okay."

 **Caboose:**  The Reds! Tex is attacking them, we have to stop her.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not.

"Probably because she would destroy both of them." Blake muttered,

" _I'm sure Caboose can match her, if not beat her_   _if he's sufficiently angered_." Noire pointed out,

"OH COME ON!" Yang exclaimed.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test. Our job is to observe and document.

 **Caboose:**  But she'll kill them.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test.

"Goddamnit, Project Freelancer." The RWBYs and Noire groaned,

"Man… F.I.L.S.S is a dick." Ruby added.

_Cut to the Reds_

**Sarge:**  We need to keep moving, men. Come on, double-time. Hell I'd settle for single-time.

 **Simmons:**  Maybe we should just fight.

" _Fight_? Against  _Tex_?" Weiss said incredulously, "They're doomed."

" _They have guns_." Noire pointed out, though not confidently, " _You can't dodge bullets unless you're Neo_."

"Wait, do you mean Ice Cream?" Yang spoke up,

" _I meant another Neo_.  _Another logic-defying yet badass Neo._ "

"Noire, I don't think Tex needs a weapon to kick their asses." Blake pointed out. Noire didn't even bother to retort. She knew her 'twin' was right. And the rest knew it too.

 **Simmons** : I'm afraid she's gonna start picking us off one by-

_Suddenly Tex punches right through the wall and grabs him by his throat._

"Whoa SHIT!" The girls exclaimed.

 **Simmons:**  -one!

_Tex then pulls him forward, slamming his face into the wall, then steps back and kicks it away, sandwiching Simmons between the wall and a pile of crates._

**Simmons:** Ow!

"They may wanna rethink that whole fighting Tex thing." Blake said as she sweatdropped, "They aren't going to survive, are they?"

"If they do survive this, they won't be walking away in one piece." Ruby said, "Or… walking at all."

_Quickly Sarge raises his shotgun and points it at Tex, but she darts forward, lifts the gun up just before he fires, then punches him in the stomach and flings him towards Grif. Sarge stumbles forward as he is thrown and his helmet rams right into Grif's crotch **(1)** , causing him to scream in pain._

"OH! He's going to feel that in the morning." Yang said as Ruby visibly grimaced,

'I can almost feel it.' Ruby thought as she pressed her thighs together, 'No wait… yep, I can actually feel it.'

" _That's one_!" Noire announced. They didn't question why Noire said that. They knew there was more.

_Suddenly, Tex barrels straight into them, crashing through a crate before flinging them into a pile of barrels, sending them scattering across the floor._

_Simmons emerges from the sandwich and runs for heavy armaments._

**Simmons:**  Oh man, forget this. I need to get a bigger weapon.

"Oh yeah, give Tex more shit to beat the crap out of you, what a great idea." Blake said as she rolled her eyes, "You are  _so_ going to win with bigger guns."

 **Simmons:** Caboose, help us!

The girls couldn't help but face palm when Simmons said those words, then sighed sadly remembering South. They still didn't exactly like her, but they felt sorry that she was basically a test subject for the Director, who was more deserving of their anger.

 **Caboose:**  How? The computer won't let me! She's mean! This place is filled with mean ladies!

"The entire RvB universe is filled with mean ladies!" Yang exclaimed, "Seriously, almost every goddamn female is a bitch. Awesome, but a bitch."

"For example." Ruby added as she pointed at the TV.

 **Simmons:**  Push some buttons, I don't know!

 **Caboose:**  Buttons!? Oh man, I love buttons! Beep bup bup boop beep bup boop.

_A crate of large weapons tips over and drops them next to Simmons_

"Huh, Caboose actually helped someone when they needed it." Blake said with a smile, "It probably won't amount to anything but he earns points for trying."

 **Simmons:**  Wow. That actually worked perfectly. Thanks!

" _When_   _you need rocket launchers to take down one person_ …" Noire sighed before looking at Yang, ' _I am glad I am friends with one of those people._ '

 **Caboose:**  Great! How the heck did I do that?

_Cut to Tucker running into the scene. He encounters Simmons_

"Okay, Tucker. He might turn the fight around." Ruby said with hope,

"How?" Weiss asked. Ruby was going to respond… until she realized she had nothing, "You have nothing, don't you."

"A little."

 **Grif:**  ( _off screen_ ) Ow!

 **Tucker:**  Hey Simmons, what the hell is going on in there?

" _Well, as you can tell from the horrible screams of your enemies, not very well_." Noire answered.

 **Simmons:**  You gotta help us! Do you know how to use that thing?

 **Tucker:**  My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it. What's to understand about swish-swish-stab? It's a fuckin' sword dude, it's not a fighter jet.

"I'm… going to let this one slide." Weiss said as she and Blake's left eye twitched. They were very proud of their training, spending many years of perfecting their styles, in fencing and dual wielding respectively. Being one of the deadliest people on Remnant isn't easy after all.

 **Simmons:**  Just come and help me.

_In the storeroom, as Sarge and Grif stagger to their feet, Tex kicks a barrel towards them. Grif quickly ducks down and lets the barrel hit Sarge before getting up and firing his battle rifle, but Tex rolls forward to avoid the bullets. She then grabs Grif and Sarge by their throats and smashes their heads together before knocking Sarge away with some punches and kicks._

"She making them look like incompetent idiots out there!" Ruby called out before realizing what she just said, "Well,  _more_ incompetent than they usually are."

"No, I'm pretty sure they hit the limit of incompetency." Blake said.

_Grif opens fire again but Tex knocks his rifle away and begins pounding on him with some powerful punches before knocking him to the floor, holding onto his right leg with one hand then raising her other in a fist._

" _Oh, this might not be pretty_." Noire said as she watched Tex preparing to castrate Grif in the most painful way possible.

 **Grif:**  Wait wait wait-!

_Tex strikes Grif really, really hard in the groin **(2)**  then kicks him across the room, right into a crate._

" _That's two_!" Noire shouted out as Ruby winced again as she rubbed her crotch, while the others couldn't help but flinch as Tex drove her fist into the orange soldier's source of pride and joy, the floor bending from the impact,

"I don't know what's more impressive: her technique or the fact that Grif's hips are still intact." Yang admitted,

"Isn't that technique  _illegal_ , regardless of whenever or not you have the license?" Blake pointed out,

"Not quite. It's illegal regardless of having a license or not except in the case that you have no other option." Weiss replied, "But… Tex has plenty of other options, which she is proving as we speak,

' _Thank you Jarl of the North for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

_As he struggles to get up, a teleporter falls on him and he flies out the other end just as Tex knocks Sarge aside._

**Grif:**  O-ho o-ho.

 **Tucker:**  ( _off screen_ ) Hey Sweet Cheeks!

_Tex dodges a plasma grenade that zooms past her. Cut to Tucker, who pulls out his sword_

"Hey, nice going being a hero but you kinda had the chance to kill Tex and blew it." Blake pointed out, "Nice going there buddy."

 **Tucker:**  Remember me? Step away from the idiot!

_Tex slowly approaches Tucker and the two standoff. Simmons is seen mounting himself atop a crate from afar_

**Simmons:**  Oh God, please don't let her see me.

"But I think Tucker was just setting up for another chance to take her down." Weiss said with a smirk, "But I have a feeling something's going to happen right…"

_A huge crate falls between Tex and Tucker_

"…Now." Weiss finished off,

"Where the hell did that crate come from?" Yang asked.

 **Caboose:**  Yes! I saved Tucker! Oh wait... I saved Tucker.

"God dammit Caboose." The girls sighed as they face palmed.

 **Tucker:**  Caboose, what're you doing? You're messing up my plan with Simmons. I was supposed to distract her for him.

"GOD DAMMIT TUCKER!" The RWBYs & Noire shouted out,

"YOU RATTED HIM OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Ruby loudly added in.

 **Simmons:**  YOU RATTED ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

"AARRGGHH!" Ruby yelled out flipped the table, sending stuff everywhere, "Huh, I always wanted to do that. And that felt good."

"Wait, when did-what happened to…" Weiss tried to say, wanting an answer to  _why the table was fixed after she was suplexed through it_ , "You know what, I'm just going to assume Ninja Ruby."

"Yep." 'S-S-Sorry.' Both Rubies replied.

_Simmons fires a rocket out, but Tex jumps aside, grabs a teleporter and flings it towards him._

**Simmons:**  Oh shit!

_Simmons fires another rocket but it simply goes through the teleporter and out the exit that is right next to the pile he is standing on!_

"Well, she's thinking with portals." Yang said,

"Teleporters." Blake corrected,

"I was making a reference."

"And that reference sucked."

 **Simmons:**  Oh shit!

_Simmons is thrown into the air by the explosion, right into the flying teleporter and out of the other end – straight into Tex who grabs him and kicks him into Tucker, sending them sprawling to the ground._

**Tucker:**  That was awesom- ow!

" _I have to agree with Tucker. That was pretty fucking awesome_." Noire admitted.

_Cut to Caboose._

**Caboose:**  Um, can we use turrets on her or, some explodey firey thing?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that.

"Wait, they have safety protocols?" Yang asked with a confused look on her face, "Because I haven't seen any of that yet."

"Well, maybe they care more about the people who aren't Freelancers or Sim Troopers." Blake guessed,

" _Or the Director designed this Sheila to be a dick._ " Noire spoke up, " _And not the fun kind. Meow Chicka Meow Meow_."

*BZZZZT!*

" _This will pay off someday_!" Noire shouted triumphantly, " _I WILL BECOME THOR-_ "

*BZZZZT!*

' _Thank you dark habit for the joke._ ' Noire thought as her body twitched on the ground.

_Cut back to Sarge, Grif, Simmons, and Tucker. They prepare themselves, while Grif picks up a cone to defend himself._

**Grif:**  What do we do Sarge?

 **Sarge:**  I don't know, I've never hit a girl in my life.

"You did when you captured her back in Season 1!" Yang called out, "…This is probably her revenge, by the way!"

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, I noticed. Try harder!

 **Grif:**  Hah!

"That cone will not protect your nuts." Weiss said as Ruby shifted around in her spot.

_Tex charges forward, snatches Sarge's shotgun out of his grip, punches Tucker aside and kicks Simmons into another teleporter._

**Simmons:**  WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU- ( _flies through a few teleporters_ ) -UUCK!

_As she turns towards Grif, Simmons flies out the exit from the previous teleporter and into another teleporter. He exits the teleporter and knocks right into Grif, knocking him straight into another kick in the groin **(3)**._

" _And that's-a three_!" Noire called out and Ruby squeaked and held her crotch,

"I can practically hear his pelvis getting destroyed." Blake said as she winced,

"What's Tex's problem with his Grifballs?" Yang asked, "Sure I wanna punch it but at least let me rip off his-"

"Hey look, more Grif getting his ass kicked!" Ruby quickly interrupted.

_Tex slams Grif onto the floor with her foot and points the shotgun right at his head._

**Grif:**  Ha-how!

"Shit, she's going to kill him!" Weiss exclaimed, "WE'RE NOT LOSING ANOTHER BLOOD GULCHER!"

 **Simmons:**  Oh no, Grif!

 **Grif:**  Yipe!

_Tex tries to shoot Grif in the face with a shotgun, but it's out of ammo_

The girls couldn't help but feel… confused. They didn't know if they were happy Grif didn't bring extra ammo again, or face palm because Grif didn't bring extra ammo again. So they silently agreed to grunt ambiguously and continue watching.

 **Sarge:**  Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself. We've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!

*cough* " _Minor Junior Private, Negative First Class._ " *cough* Noire quickly said.

 **Grif:**  Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved my-

_Tex steps on Grif's chest and hold the shotgun like a golf club_

"But your laziness won't save you from that." Blake said, starting to feel sorry for him.

 **Grif:**  -oof! Protect me cone!

_Grif holds a construction cone over his face, and Tex hits him in the crotch with the shotgun **(4)** , knocking him quite a distance into Simmons._

" _FOUR_!" Noire shouted out as Ruby seemingly groaned in pain as tears started welling up in her eyes,

'I CAN FEEL EVERY NUT SHOT! WHY IS KARMA A BITCH!?' Ruby sobbed out in her mind,

"Hey, are you okay?" Weiss asked as she saw her partner groan in pain,

"I-I'm fine." Ruby said, switching into a more cheery persona, "I am perfectly okay." Weiss wasn't convinced but decided it wasn't her business.

 **Simmons:**  Watch it!

 **Grif:**  You watch it.

 **Sarge:**  You idiots, let me show you how it's done.

_Tex punches Sarge in the face and knocks him back to Simmons and Grif_

"Perfect execution Sarge, 10/3.14159265358979323884626433832795. Would get ass kicked again." Yang said sarcastically,

" _Wait_ …  _was that Pi_?  _Was that fucking **Pi**_!?" Noire exclaimed,

"Uh… yeah? I know the first 33 digits of Pi ever since I was a kid."

"Why is everyone  **SMARTER THAN ME**!?" Weiss shouted out before flipping the table, "Huh, that did feel good."

"I know, right?" Ruby said as they high-fived.

 **Grif:**  Nice demonstration Sarge.

 **Sarge:**  Ah shut up.

 **Simmons:**  Hey guys, look up there.

_Tucker finally gets up, and sees a giant crate looming over himself and Tex_

"I don't think a crate will be enough but there's a chance it will." Blake said, though the others knew she doubted that it would do anything. They knew as well.

 **Tucker:**  Uhh, what? Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that, I need you to help me. Right now!

 **Caboose:**  What holds up that crate?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console.

_The crate drops, Tucker dives out of the way, seemingly crushing Tex_

"Yeah! Nice going Caboose!" Yang cheered,

"Wait, I forgot, who do we want to win again?" Ruby asked,

"I don't care! All I want is sweet, sweet violence." When they saw Yang drooling and the distinct smell of arousal that had been hanging around for as long as the episode has been playing, they decided to quietly shift away while Blake started spraying air freshener around the place,

" _Aw man…_ "

*BZZZZT!*

 **Tucker:**  I can't believe that worked!

_Then Tucker sees that Tex had caught the crate…_

"Dude, that didn't work." The RWBYs and Noire said in a deadpanned tone.

 **Tucker:**...Aw fuck, that didn't work!

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.

"Yeah, that pretty much sums up Tex." Ruby spoke up as she rubbed the back of her neck. Yang hoped Ruby would add in that her dear older half-sister is badass too, but it didn't even cross Ruby's mind,

"I'M A BADASS TOO!" Yang cried out as she flipped the table, "…I have to flip more tables when I'm angry."

"Yeah, Stay Calm & Flip Tables. That should be your personal motto." Weiss said sarcastically.

(5 months later)

"You know what they say: Stay Calm & Flip Tables."

"NO ONE HAS EVER SAID THAT EXCEPT ME! FUCK!"

"Detention."

"DOUBLE SHARKIE-CHAN DILDOS UP MY ASS!"

(Present!)

" _And thus, she regretted everything at that moment._ " Noire thought out loud,

"Who are you talking to?" Ruby asked only to be growled at. Ruby switched with Bitch Ruby and growled more intensely in respond.

_Tex throws the crate at the Reds and Tucker_

"Oh shit, they're gonna be crushed under that crate!" Blake exclaimed.

 **Grif:**  We gotta get outta here!

 **Simmons:**  We'll be crushed!

 **Tucker:**  Don't worry guys, I got this. SWISH!

_Tucker splits the crate with his sword, and the two halves go to either side of the Reds, covering them in medpacks_

"Okay, I would say that was fucking awesome if it wasn't for the fact that Tucker just let the Reds get crushed." Weiss admitted, "Still, good to see Tucker has really improved since the Blood Gulch Chronicles."

 **Grif:**  Ow! We were crushed.

 **Tucker:**  Aw fuckberries. Tex, can you- oh!

_Tex kicks Tucker in the helmet_

"She's having none of your shit today, Tucker." Yang said.

 **Tucker:**  Alright, you know what, that's it. Come here.

 **Simmons:**  Oh thank God, thought I was a goner. Sarge, where are you?

_Sarge pops up out of a pile of medpacks_

**Sarge:**  Rrr, what happened? I feel defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvenated.

"And that's the magic of video game medpacks." Weiss deadpanned.

_Tucker swings his sword out towards Tex, making swishing noises as he does but Tex dodges each swing and strikes Tucker's exposed parts. As Tucker thrusts his sword out, Tex grabs his arm, twists it, and then kicks him across the room, disarming his sword in the process._

**Tucker:**  Swish-fuck! Swoosh-fah! Ah, stab- God dammit! Gah! Oh come on. O-aow, bullshit!

"Huh, not so easy using a sword huh, you bastard!" Blake called out, "By the way, stop choreographing your attacks! It does not make you cool! It makes you a tool! And my God those rhymes were a crime, FUCK!"

_Tucker skids across the ground, hit his head on a teleporter, flips over and then tumbles straight through it._

**Grif:**  Whoa, did you see that?

 **Simmons:**  How could I have missed that?

"By looking away?" Ruby answered.

_Tucker emerges from a teleporter (with some black stuff on his armour) into Tex's grip, Tex grabs the sword, and the sword goes out_

"Keyblade~" Yang sang out, "You are not worthy~"

" _You know she can still beat him with the handle, right_?" Noire pointed out,

"Oh. Well, at least she can't kill him."

" _Because_ …"

"Shut up."

 **Tucker:**  What's the matter Tex, you having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, it happens to everybody.

*cough* " _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " *cough* Noire quickly said as subtlety as possible. It didn't work and caused everyone else to groan.

 **Tucker:** Well, not me but...

 **Sarge:**  That rocket launcher's one of the older models, right?

"Um, why is that important now?" Yang asked.

 **Tucker:**  ( _off screen_ ) Ow! Ow! Ahow!

 **Simmons:**  Yeah.

 **Sarge:**  That means it's got heat seeking.

"Oh." Yang said before realizing something, "Wait, why did the military take out heat-seeking out of rocket launchers?"

"I don't know, maybe because heat-seeking is bullshit." Weiss guessed before growling to herself, 'Stupid Schnee Scientist…'

 **Tucker:**  ( _off screen_ ) I didn't know that was there!

"What? The fist in your face or the dick you probably don't have. Or isn't as big as you think." Blake muttered before blushing, "…God damn it."

" _You wanna know how big Tucker is, don't you_?" Noire asked with a smirk on her face. Her smirk widened when she saw Blake blushing even harder,

"N-No…"

" _Remember my dear, sweet Pussy; I am the representation of your desires, and one day you will stand it no more_."

"What the hell are you talking about? Blake, what the hell is Noire talking about?" Ruby asked, but didn't get an answer, as that answer was something the cat Faunus wanted to keep to herself.

 **Sarge:**  Now lock on and let her rip!

 **Simmons:**  Oh right, I forgot about that.

 **Tucker:**  ( _off screen_ ) Ow, holy crap, you just don't know how to use it-

_Tucker flies through a teleporter, emerging completely black again_

"Again with the black stuff." Yang said, "Seriously, do teleporters hate him or something?"

" _Yang, if teleporters hated him then he would have tumours growing inside his body right now_." Noire pointed out, " _Or at least the bread_ …" Noire whispered to herself.

 **Tucker:**  -bitch! Damn it I hate this black stuff, what the hell is it?

"Does anyone not know what the fuck soot is!?" Ruby exclaimed,

"It's the future, fire is probably extinct." Blake guessed, "Apart from plasma fires, engine fires, radiation fires, probably any fire apart from fire for warmth."

 **Grif:**  There she is!

 **Tucker:**  Huh?

The girls all collectively face palmed at that, "Man, that armour is gender-ambiguous." Weiss muttered.

 **Sarge:**  Get her!

 **Simmons:**  Wait, guys...

_Sarge and Grif start beating on Tucker, but Grif quickly loses steam._

"I think they're using this as an excuse just to beat up a Blue." Ruby deadpanned as she sweatdropped,

"They seriously need to have a schedule on who fucks whose ass." Yang added, "Because right now, they're scheduled for a total ass beating courtesy of Miss Agent Texas."

 **Tucker:**  Ow, come on! I'm not Tex, I'm a Blue! I'm not the one you're fighting. Leave me the fuck alone!

 **Grif:**  ( _tired_ ) Kicking's hard.

" _Only person to ever say that apart from those who are worse than the physically inept_." Noire quickly said.

_Sarge gets Tucker in a headlock and punches the top of his head a bunch_

**Tucker:**  ( _muffled_ ) Why are you hitting me, I'm not Tex!

"And you say you've never hit a girl." Blake scoffed with an eye roll, "You knocked out Tex and you're hitting what you think is a girl right now!"

 **Simmons:**  Sarge, hold on, hold on!

 **Sarge:**  Hm?

 **Simmons:**  I think that's Tucker, not Tex.

"Damn! We have a Sherlock over here!" Yang mockingly announced, "When was your first clue?"

"When they mistaken Tucker for Tex." Blake answered,

"Oh…"

"You had a brain fart, didn't you?"

"Maybe."

 **Tucker:**  ( _muffled_ ) See I told you!

_Another punch._

"Well, always get that last punch in before doing anything else." Ruby said.

_Tucker moves away from Sarge_

**Tucker:**  ( _muffled_ ) Ow, you fucker! Why'd you do that?

 **Sarge:**  Meh, force o' habit.

"As well as the feeling of inadequacy standing next to Tucker and him actually being a soldier and doing some good." Weiss added, "For example…" Her teammates waited for her to finish her sentence,

"… _And_!?" Yang called out after a few minutes,

"…Taking on those groups of Rouges by himself, hey I found one at the end."

" _Just took you a couple of minutes to find that **one**_   _example_." Noire muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Man you guys are n-ah-

_Tucker, staggering backwards, trips over a medpack and into Grif, and they end up leaning against each other on either end of a teleporter on the ground_

**Grif:**  Hey, watch it- whoa-

 **Tucker:**  Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa-!

 **Grif:**  Don't fall in the-

_Tex looks at it from the adjoining teleporter_

"Uh oh…" Yang whispered to herself,

"Well, this won't end well." Weiss simply said.

 **Grif:**  Hold still, hold still, I can see her. She's right over there by the other-

_Tex puts her head through the teleporter and emerges beneath Tucker and Grif_

"By the teleporter that goes directly to yours." Ruby finished as she braced herself.

 **Grif:**  Uh oh.

 **Tucker:** Grif, I see her.

_Tex looks at between Grif and Tucker, before she punches Grif in the crotch **(5)** , and he falls into the teleporter, leaving Tucker off-balance_

" _Five busted blue balls~_ " Noire sang out in the tune of 'The 12 Days of Christmas' as Ruby groaned,

"Ow, I actually felt that one." Blake admitted as she winced,

"YOU KNOW NOTHING!" Ruby exploded while grasping her extremely sore groin, causing her teammates to stare at her. When Ruby realized what she just did, she decided to do something stupid, "…I drowned Yang's goldfish as a kid."

"YOU  _WHAT_!?" Yang shouted at her sister as her Aura Mode started flickering on, "IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO TEACH KOI-CHAN KRAV MAGA!"

"Wait, how can goldfish drown?" Blake asked as she, Noire and Weiss ignored to two sisters, who now resorted to violence to solve their problems,

"I don't know but I do have theories…" Weiss said, ignoring the fact that Ruby just threw Yang out the window and jumped out to continue fighting her,

" _You're asking these questions and yet none of you are surprised that Yang's fish knows Krav Maga_?  _Wait, did Yang tell you guys that already_?" Noire said with a raised eyebrow, who didn't even hear Ruby  & Yang screaming in terror about the monster they had just unleashed and may or may not have started the apocalypse,

"Oh no, I just learned when you did but you kinda get used to dealing with all the crazy crap Yang has done over the years." Blake said, not even noticing Ruby and Yang using the power of rock music, sisterhood and the blood of their unborn children to slay all the demons, dragons and hipsters around them,

"You know, sometimes I wonder why I'm Ruby's partner but from just that I'm glad I am." Weiss admitted with a sigh of relief, completely oblivious to the giant Megazord outside the dorm window killing Spacegodzilla with a giant golden spork,

" _Well, anyway, back onto the topic of Yang teaching her pet goldfish Krav Maga and having it die from drowning…_ " Noire started only to be interrupted by Yang & Ruby falling through the ceiling and onto their respective spots with burnt out wings on their backs, which they pulled off and threw away, " _What have you two been doing_?"

"Meh, nothing interesting." Ruby answered with a yawn, "Wait, where are we doing again?"

 **Grif:**  What is your problem with my balls?

"Oh right, Tex beating up Tucker and the Reds." Ruby said as she winced from her still sore crotch, "But really, what  _is_ Tex's problem with his Grifballs?"

"Well, apparently like Sarge, the thought of Grif reproducing is terrifying. And considering how he's like, I'm inclined to agree with him." Weiss answered.

 **Tucker:**  Whoa, who-whoa, hawhoa! Aw crap.

_Tucker falls through the teleporter and backs into Tex, who suplexes him and goes for the mount and starts punching him_

**Tucker:**  O-ho, wow, right into the mount, huh? O-hoa, not even gonna buy dinner? Come on, I like your style.

"Wow, a jokester even while getting beat up." Blake said, actually kinda impressed, "I'm surprised he's able to crack jokes while in danger."

' _Like Spider-Man_.' Noire thought, ' _Man I love that guy_.  _Best. Superhero. Ever~ …But his movies kinda suck. A few good ones but generally sucking._ '

_Simmons tries to position himself to fire at Tex_

**Sarge:**  Simmons, what're you waiting for?

 **Simmons:**  They look the same, which one do I shoot?

 **Tucker** (& RWBY and Noire) **:**  ( _from afar_ ) Ahow, shoot the one who's winning dumbass!

"THIS IS WHY YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED BY HER!" Ruby shouted out,

' _Thank you snake screamer for the joke_.' Noire thought with a smile.

 **Grif:**  Ow.

_Grif, cradling his balls, staggers into the line of fire_

They couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor, orange, blue balled man as he staggered into the line of fire… but not right now, "GET OUT OF THE WAY DUMBASS!" The RWBYs and Noire exclaimed,

"Do you wanna take a rocket to the balls!?" Weiss added.

 **Simmons:**  Grif! Watch it!

 **Grif:**  Uh-huh-huh.

_Tex kicks Tucker forward, knocking him into Grif before grabbing his leg, pulling him back and punching him to the ground so hard that the black stuff flies off his armor as he skids back towards Sarge and Simmons._

"How he's still alive, I shall never know." Ruby said,

"I'd be surprised if Grif is still fertile after that." Blake spoke up,

" _Oh, there's probably still more coming his way_." Noire said as Ruby squeaked and held her crotch,

'It's like she's punching me through dimensions.' Ruby thought.

 **Tucker:**  Ahoww, ow.

 **Sarge:**  Wow, knocked the black right off ya.

 **Tucker:**  That's racist.

"You're right, but you're sexist." Yang pointed out, "And stupid, perverted, wrong, lazy, unsympathetic, pathetic, lame…" This actually went on for several minutes, as the other girls added in their own description of the Teal Swordsman, some of them they admittingly made up on the spot and don't really know if it was true, "Fuck happy, possibly a virgin, man whore and finally, a dick."

 **Sarge:**  You're all clear Simmons, now shoot her!

 **Simmons:**  Fire in the hole!

_Simmons fires at Tex, who takes off and leaps into a teleporter, flipping out the other side and then running straight towards Tucker and the Reds; the missile still on her tail._

*Squeaking noises* (Ruby)

"Of course." (Weiss)

"You've  _got_  to be fucking kidding me." (Blake)

"Welp, they're fucked!" (Yang)

" _And…_ " (Noire)

 **Tucker:**  Are you fucking kidding me? Run!

_Tucker bumps into Sarge and Simmons. Then Tex runs up and knocks all three of them down with a single punch before sliding right under Grif's legs. Grif looks up and spots the missile moving right towards him._

Ruby proceeded to make even more squeaking noises as she braced for a lot of pain in her crotch-ular area.

 **Grif:**  Oh God, not my ba-

_The missile passes through his legs._

"Oh thank God." Ruby sighed in relief as she wiped off some sweat from her forehead,

"It isn't over." Blake simply said, causing Ruby to squeak even more as her eyes just became large white circles.

 **Grif:**  Oh thank God. I thought I was-

_Grif turns around, just as Tex leaps into a second teleporter on the floor and the missile flies past her and towards a pile of propane tanks._

" _CUE THE SLOW MOTION_!" Noire shouted out, freaking the others out.

 **Grif:**  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!

_As the missile hits, the tanks ignite and jet towards Tucker and the Reds like mini-rockets. Grif is sent flying by a tank that hits him square in the groin **(6)**  while the others are knocked into the air by the tanks' explosions._

" _Six destroyed chances of ever having children, ah ah ah ah_!" Noire laughed in a crappy vampire-like accent as Ruby was now crying openly,

"I hate my life!" Ruby cried out, "My crotch is literally on fire!"

"This is probably karma for hating on Tex on the early seasons, huh." Weiss guessed as Yang comforted her sister, even letting Perverted Ruby touch her boobs,

"Wait… didn't we all hate Tex at one point?" Yang realized. Suddenly, a feeling of dread came upon them.

_Meanwhile Tex rolls out the other side of the teleporter and watches as Tucker, Sarge and Simmons come crashing down to the ground. Tex then approaches a cement barricade and carefully pushes it aside and soon pushes it a few more inches. She then waits as Grif finally comes crashing down on top of it... crotch-first **(7)**._

Suddenly, everyone –except Noire- felt the most intense pain they've ever felt in their natural lives. All in the groin area, "I'm… going to get a bag of ice." Weiss squeaked out as she slowly stood up, her thighs pressed together and her hands over her crotch,

"Y-Yeah, me too." Yang managed to say as she stood up as well. Blake and Ruby soon followed as they all awkwardly made their way to the kitchen,

" _And seven was their lucky number._ " Noire said when everyone left, " _Hooray for Bungie and their obsession with 7_!  _Speaking of seven, it should take about 7 minutes before their crotches heal so let me just say what I've always wanted to say ever since I came into existence. This is a story that is meant to be told that needs to be passed on from generation to generation for years to come. Today, is that day where I reveal everything, and I mean **everything**  that's going on. The lies, the mysteries, everything that has caused questions to run through your minds since this story had a plot full of questions, where there's the occasional bout of emotion and sorrow, but mostly of tomfoolery and whimsy. But for the most part is basically off the wall bullshit that completely happens out of nowhere and by about now you're probably skipping this entire thing just to get onto the reactions and I don't hold anything against you except you're on my list of various things I must do. Seriously, if you're one those people who actually made it this far into this paragraph of basic nonsense where I just go on and on about what basically amounts to absolutely nothing and just keep reading just hoping something is going to happen or I'm about to say something very important, well thank you for your perseverance and you shall be rewarded with all this information I am about to dump on you right now. Prepare as your mind will be blow by these revelations, questioning your very existence in this universe and still wondering why I am still not revealing anything but that will come very soon. I mean now. Literally, I am about to blow your fucking mind. Everything you thought was true is about to be a lie.  **He** is not in control right now but I, Daisy Noire Belladonna of the story that is titled 'React Watch Believe Yikes', will tell you, after 6,049 words so far from this chapter including the 330 in this entire goddamn speech which I am adding as I speak, that_-"

"We're back." Ruby squeaked out as they re-entered the dorm,

" _FUCK_!  _How long is fucking seven minutes in this place_!?"

"You took an hour for that entire uh… thing you did." Weiss answered as everyone sat down, ice packs in hand, "Who the fuck were you talking to anyway?"

" _Uh…_ " Noire tried to figure out how to get out of this mess for several minutes before deciding to just have a dumb, blank look on her face just to get the others off of her back. And it worked,

'It's the insanity.' The RWBYs thought.

 **Grif:**  Ooaaah! Why won't you just kill me?

"I don't exactly know but hell, even we felt that." Yang said as everyone winced at their sore groins, "And we're fucking girls! We shouldn't have blue balls! …Well, maybe Noire."

" _I'm a normal girl_!" Noire shouted out,

"And we believe you. Well, at least I believe you." Blake replied, "Though, the word 'normal' really can't be used to describe us right now… and until we die. Seriously, when did our lives go so wrong?"

"Ever since the stupid asshole that left us stranded here for 3 months." Weiss answered, causing the RWBYs to sigh. As soon as they escaped, they were going to kill everyone that was responsible for leaving them trapped in Beacon. Especially the janitor.

 **Church:**  Hey Tex!

"Huh? What?" The RWBYs and Noire said as they all turned their attention back to the TV.

_As Grif slides off the barrier to the floor, Tex turns and starts towards the others… but then a monitor bounces off the side of her head and she turns in its direction… to see a cobalt-blue soldier standing in the doorway, holding a sniper rifle in his hands._

**Church:**  How 'bout you pick on somebody your own size?

"Hey, looks like Church is back in action." Ruby said as she giggled a little while Weiss' eye twitched,

"Did he seriously just trade his laser face for the fucking Sniper Rifle!?" Weiss exclaimed. This caused Ruby to glare at the Heiress,

"Don't you fucking dare diss the Sniper Rifle, bitch." Ruby growled as her Bitch Phase and Creepy Phase started to combine,

"Hey, at least he could actually hit things with his laser face!" Weiss quickly pointed out, negating the combination of the two worst Phases to go through, "He killed a Freelancer! Well, an extremely paranoid guy who stole Freelancer armour off of a dead one but that's not the actual point! He actually killed someone! He couldn't even hit the broadside of a space shuttle with the Sniper Rifle! Hell, I'd even bet he can't even hit the broadside of a planet!"

"To be fair, that might be because he's an A.I. He's probably programmed to run machinery and equipment, not aim a gun." Blake pointed out, "I can even go as far and say his programming makes him intentionally miss targets unless they're a threat or it's a non-lethal shot."

"Even more reasons to keep his laser face instead of the fucking Sniper Rifle! Seriously, his old body was a piece of ancient alien technology and he had telekinesis and possibly other undiscovered functions that he will never use now that he has the stupid Sniper Rifle!" Noire just sighed as Weiss continued her rant,

" _Weiss, listen_." Noire interrupted the ranting Heiress, " _If you suddenly started sucking with Myrtenaster, but really awesome with something else you weren't entirely sure how to use, what would you go with_?"

"Easy, I'll choose-" Weiss was going to complete her answer before she shut her mouth and start grumbling under her breath about how the laser face was still more effective for Church and cursing Noire for hitting her with that question,

"So, all in agreement that Church is fucked beyond reasoning?" Yang asked,

"Yep!" (Ruby)

"Aye." (Blake)

" _What do you think_?" (Noire)

"Hrr…" (Weiss)

"I'll take Weiss' one as a yes." Yang said,

' _Thank you again Jarl of the North for the joke_.' Noire thought before sniffling a bit,

"Hey, what's wrong?" Blake asked,

" _Oh, nothing…_ " Noire answered, extremely tempted to grab some beer when she remembered  _who_ made that entire episode awesome, " _It's just… holy shit, that fucking episode was amazing_!  _The entire episode was basically a fight scene_!  _Beautifully animated and you could literally feel every single punch. Some more than others._ " Ruby and the others flinched at that last part,

"I know, right!" Yang squealed in happiness, "That whole thing was amazing! Whoever did that needs a raise or something after all of that awesome!" Yang was going to continue fangirling over the violence when she saw Noire drinking heavily, "Where did you get the beer?"

" _I'M NOT A DRUNK_!" Noire shouted before flipping the table… multiple times, " _I AM A TICKING TIME BOMB OF EMOTIONS, DAMN IT_!"

'This is definitely going to be a long summer.' They all thought as they went to restrain the drunken Noire. After finally getting her to calm down, fixing the table and refilling their supplies of food and drinks, Blake picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Restraining Orders)**

_Fade in to Tex beating Church with his old round body_

"Saw that a mile away." Weiss said as she sighed,

"It's like she's beating him with his own skull." Ruby giggled, before stopping when she heard Yang growling and felt the heat coming off her, "Uh… do you wanna talk about it?"

"No." Yang said flat out, trying to restrain her anger,

"…Do you wanna talk about it with-"

"No!"

 **Church:**  Ow. Ow! Ooow! Wha-Stop it! Tex, you are embarrassing me.

"No, you've been embarrassing yourself for much longer than that." Blake pointed out.

 **Church:** Ow! Stop! Ah! Hey, are you gonna sit a -ah- you gonna help me or not? Stop it.

_Pan over to the Reds, who are just watching, with Grif holding a medpack on his crotch_

"Uh… yeah… I think they had enough getting their ass kicked for one day." Noire said as she held back a small laugh when she saw the others flinch at the sight of Grif holding the medpack on his crotch and had a look of sympathy and knowing his pain.

 **Sarge:**  Naw buddy I think you got everything under control. We'll just hang back here.

 **Church:**  Won't it stop!

"It will never stop! The Fuck Train has no brakes!" Yang called out, "Choo choo, motherfucker!"

 **Grif:**  Yeah, you've got some catching up to do.

 **Church:**  The whole- stop.

_Grif throws away the medpack and gets out his gun_

"They do realize they can just shoot her right now, right?" Yang asked,

"No, I don't think so. Anyway, I don't think they have any spare ammo on them or figured that the facility has spare ammo for them to use." Blake explained, "And anyway, it'll just piss off Tex more and they'll have another round with her."

 **Sarge:**  Hey, what's she beating him with?

 **Simmons:**  I think that was his old body.

 **Sarge:**  You mean he ain't a floatin' cue ball anymore?

"Well, it's his own goddamn fault for trading his awesome laser face for a body that can't shoot shit." Weiss muttered, "Even I can tell you that her probably had a better chance to hit something with the Monitor."

"Yeah, at least he can actually shoot in that body, with said shooting thingy being a fucking laser blast! So again, it's your fault buddy." Ruby said,

" _Hey, I thought you didn't agree with Weiss on that._ " Noire spoke up. Ruby shivered before replying,

"She… convinced me otherwise."

 **Church:**  Aw-

 **Sarge:**  That's too bad. Had a few more nicknames in my side pocket. We'll certainly miss you Lord Hackensack of the Roundalots.

 **Grif:**  Beating him with his own body? That doesn't seem physically possible.

"Meh, he obviously has never heard of 'Stop Hitting Yourself'." Yang muttered, annoyed by those choice of words as she was still angry that everyone in the goddamn universe knew how to beat someone to death with their own skull, and yet she, the literally embodiment of violence, couldn't even do it.

Though, there was that one time she… ripped some guy's arm off, took out the bones and… wore that arm as fleshy gauntlets while she beat him up but the guy had it coming. She couldn't exactly remember why she did that, she guessed she was bored that day and wanted to try something new plus revenge. Lots and lots of revenge, ' _Thank you snake screamer for the joke_.' Noire thought.

 **Caboose:**  Uh-hu- we have to do something.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I am sorry, as I said, I cannot operate outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols.

"Those protocols suck!" The girls yelled out,

"God, I miss Shelia." Yang muttered, "No this stupid fucking copy."

"Technically, Shelia is the copy of F.I.L.S.S." Ruby pointed out,

"Shut up! I'm sad, therefore I'm right!"

 **Caboose:**  What if I said... "pretty please".

" _Those aren't the magic words you're looking for_." Noire deadpanned.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Private Caboose, is there a reason why you don't want to use one of the standard safety protocols?

"Because they suck?" Weiss answered, "Wait, what  _are_ the safety protocols?"

"Apparently, anything that involves a lethal method or weapon is taken out of the equation." Blake guessed.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** In this scenario, I would strongly recommend locking down the armor of any rogue unit.

"Wait, what?" The girls say in disbelief,

"What the-They could've ended the fight before it even began!" Ruby exclaimed before putting on a more thoughtful look, "Then again, it was fucking awesome…"

 **Caboose:** Wait you can do that?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Of course. Armor Lock is a standard safety feature since the Freelancer break in.

"Huh, that's… actually useful." Blake said, "No one dies and Freelancer gets their equipment back."

"Couldn't they have done it with the Meta too?" Weiss pointed out,

" _I don't think a little Armour Lock is going to stop the Meta._ " Noire said.

 **Caboose:**  Well why didn't you tell us that!?

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Why would I need to tell the Director that? He wrote the protocol himself.

"Maybe he needs a little refresher course. It has been a long time." Yang said, "Maybe you should ask how he's been. …And report to the UNSC his location for, you know, a party."

 **Caboose:**  Oh, right. Yes of course he did. Um Sheila, could you do the armor lunchable thing that you said?

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Certainly.

_Ding dong_

'Stupid Schnee Scientists.' Weiss thought as she shivered at the noise.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Now initiating standard safety protocol. Armor lockdown in progress. All units, stand by for lockdown.

_Tex becomes immobilized_

**Church:** What- what's happening? Caboose what did you do to her?

"Hey, she's not beating you up! It'll give you some time to actually plan out what you're going to do with her!" Ruby called out, not noticing Blake's eyes narrowing.

 **Caboose:**  Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl!

" _You know, that would be bad in most cases but in RvB, I would call that an achievement_." Noire admitted, " _Caboose should get some gamer score for it. 50 to 200 at least._ "

 **Sarge:**  Hah hah, yes! See, that's how you do it Grif; face your enemy man to man. Or in your case, woefully inadequate man to woman. And then when she's distracted, use superior technology to take her out. *sniff* Reminds me of prom night.

"Do I even wanna know what Sarge did on prom night?" Blake muttered… before she started imagining what happened on Sarge's prom night and started blushing profusely, 'Don't think about bondage. Don't think about bondage. Don't think about bondage. Damn it! I'm thinking about bondage! OH MY GOD, IT'S SO HOT!' After her teammates saw her drool and the distinct smell of arousal filled the air, they shifted away from her while Noire got closer,

' _Give into your desires Blake, give into your desires…_ ' Noire thought before snapping her out of it.

 **Grif:**  We didn't do anything, she shut down!

"Wait a minute, didn't Shelia say…  _all_  units?" Weiss pointed out, causing everyone's eyes to widen.

 **Caboose:**  I am the best!

 **Simmons:** Uh, hey guys? What do you think that voice meant by "all units"?

_The Reds become immobilized_

"So that's what she meant by all units." Yang said as everyone face palmed.

 **Sarge:**  Hrr, h-gr I can't move.

 **Caboose:**  I did it, I- not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made suggestions! And the default option was yes!

"Well, F.I.L.S.S did say, and I quote," Ruby then put on glasses and turned on Delta Ruby, "'Locking down the armour of any rogue unit.' That would imply that Caboose could've chosen whose armour he wanted to lockdown, and from what we've seen, Caboose didn't really need to tell F.I.L.S.S who he wanted detained. So technically, it really isn't Caboose's fault and the way she worded that sentence practically made the default option 'yes'." Ruby then pulled the glasses off and threw them away and out the window,

"HEY! Those were expensive!" Weiss exclaimed.

"Oh, you can buy another pair."

 **Grif:**  Well this is just great.

"Well, nothing really goes to plan with you guys huh?" Blake said as she shook her head.

 **Church:**  What's happening? Caboose! Make it stop! Make it-

_Church becomes immobilized_

**Church:**  St-ow! Rrruh!

" _He really can't get a break, can he_?" Noire said, " _I mean, his original getting tortured, being killed by his own teammates, shutting off his short term memory, getting beat up by his ex-girlfriend, the list goes on._ "

 **Caboose:**  Uh, Sheila, is, is my armor gonna lockdown too?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  No Caboose, your helmet does not have that particular protocol installed in it. I had assumed, that was the reason why you were wearing that-

 **Caboose:**  Yes. That is totally the reason.

The girls just stared at the screen at the revelation of Caboose's outdated helmet actually saved him, "Did… holy shit, did Caboose just win through… by being fucking  _Caboose_!?" Weiss exclaimed,

"And that's different from most of the Reds & Blues' other victories how?" Yang asked,

"Because," Weiss started before she realized something and sighed, "I've got nothing."

' _Thank you again dark habit for the joke_!' Noire thought.

_Cut to the desert, where Wash is overlooking a bunch of dead aliens._

"Oh right, the Aliens, forgot about them." Weiss said before rolling her eyes, "Well, so much for the 'Leave One of Them Alive' strategy."

 **Washington:** Well, so much for the "leave one of them alive" strategy.

" ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_**!" Weiss shouted out in rage before activating her Aura Mode and throwing the table out the window, " ** _FUCK EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE_**!  ** _I HATE EVERYTHING_**!"

"Including Zwei?" Ruby said,

" ** _OUR LITTLE GIFT OF GOD IS THE ONLY EXCEPTION_**!" After a "minor" rampage around Emerald Forest and the Grimm there were once again afraid of the Heiress, she had calmed down enough to continue the episode.

 **Washington:** Doc, where are you?

 **Doc:** Here!

 **Washington:**  Still alive. I thought maybe you'd been killed in the battle.

"Hey, you brought him along. You can't exactly get rid of him that easily." Yang said as she scratched the back of her head.

 **Doc:**  No, don't worry, I'm still alive.

 **Washington:**  I didn't say I was worried. Get down here, see if any of these things are still breathing.

 **Doc:**  Me?

" _Oh, you can probably check if they're alive by yourself Washington_." Noire said, " _It aren't that hard after all. Unless Aliens don't breath_.  _I mean c'mon, not everything is based on human physiology after all._ "

 **Washington:** You're a medic, get… medical.

 **Doc:** I'm a  _human_  medic. I don't even understand Alien physiology.

"You're not even an official certified medic, what makes you think he can actually revive an Alien? Or even know it's alive?" Blake asked rhetorically.

 **Washington:** I want you to see if they're alive, I don't want you to check their cholesterol levels, just get down here.

 **Doc:** Geez! Fine. What's with the anger?

"I can think of a few reasons." Yang muttered to herself.

 **Meta:**  "Growls"

 **Washington:**  Meta, you search the camp. See if you can find anything useful for us. Any clues where Epsilon went.

"I don't think there'll be any clues apart from maybe tire tracks or footprints but those were probably blown away by sandstorms." Weiss said, "They aren't finding them any time soon."

 **Meta:**  "Growls"

 **Washington:**  Don't start with me. I've already reached my tolerance level for management issues.

"Do you have any other issues you'd like to discuss, Mr Washington?" Ruby asked in a professional tone, "Because we're very sure you have a lot."

 **Doc:**  He's getting fussy.

 **Washington:** Tell me about it.

_The Meta walks between two closely-spaced cliff faces that essentially form a cave_

" _They're not going to find anything useful apart from stuff they don't need. I guarantee it_." Noire said, " _Then_   _again, it wouldn't make things interesting, will it_?"

 **Doc:** Maybe we should take a break.

 **Washington:**  Excuse me? A  _break_?

 **Doc:**  Yeah, like a three day leave! Everyone go off, recharge their mental batteries, come back refreshed, and like, ready to tackle our challenges.

"Even though I don't want him to, Doc is right." Blake admitted, "Everyone needs a break or else you'll collapse under the pressure."

"I admit, I agree, but his freedom is at risk here." Weiss pointed out, "If he doesn't get Epsilon, he's back in jail. I'm not sympathizing with him due to how he's doing it but what would you rather risk? You cracking under the pressure or your freedom?" The others looked at each other and silently told each other they couldn't decide.

 **Washington:** You want a vacation?

 **Doc:**  I call it a Soul Sabbatical.

" _You guys need to take of those after all of this is over_." Noire said as the RWBYs groaned.

 **Washington:**  What are we, mailmen? This is a military mission. We don't get a vacation. We don't take sick days, we don't get paid overtime.

"Yeah, those are things saved for after a mission." Yang said, "Except overtime. How can you get overtime when you're basically a soldier 24/7/365?"

 **Doc:** What, Freelancers don't get overtime?

 **Washington:**  That's right, we have a job to do and we're expected to stick wit- wait. Why, wh- do you?

The girls' eyes twitched at that. Don't get them wrong, they loved helping people (some more than others) and the pay was awesome but at least throw in a 'WE ALMOST DIED' bonus their way. If not, maybe a fruit basket.

 **Doc:**  Get overtime? Yheah. Time and a half over forty hours, time and a half and a half after sixty.

"Lucky…" Blake grumbled to herself.

 **Washington:**  ...Really?

 **Doc:**  You guys don't get that? That's crazy, you work so hard.

 **Washington:**  Tell me about it.

"Yeah, after all that Freelancer bullshit, they could've at least give Washington some sort compensation for all the trauma and mental scarring he went through." Weiss said, "Give him a six pack of beer or a car, money, something that might soften the pain."

"Material possessions won't heal wounds, Weiss." Ruby told her partner, "Maybe a therapist would be good enough compensation for Washington. God knows he needs one."

 **Doc:**  You guys should strike.

" _Yeah, go strike against the fucking army. That'll show them whose boss_." Noire sarcastically said with an eye roll.

 **Washington:**  We're not unionizing. Stop instigating.

 **Doc:**  ...Tell me they at least match your 401K.

 **Washington:**  Shut up.

"It doesn't match his 401K doesn't it?" Yang deadpanned, "Have no idea what it is but I'm sure it's important."

 **Meta:** "Growls"

"Huh, looks like the Meta found something." Ruby said, "What could the Meta find? Water? Food? Because I'm pretty sure it doesn't need any of that!"

 **Doc:**  What was that?

 **Washington:**  Quiet. What did you find, Meta?

_A grenade has its pin pulled and is thrown at the cave entrance, where Wash has moved to_

Everyone jumped when the Meta threw the grenade, "Uh… okay…" Weiss said, breaking the silence,

"Okay, what did it find?" Yang asked.

 **Washington:** Hey! Watch it. Meta, come out here, now.

 **Meta:**  "Growls"

"Looks like the Meta is throwing a tantrum." Blake noted, "What the hell did the Meta find anyway? What's so important?"

"Whatever it is, it'll be interesting." Noire replied as she leaned forward.

 **Washington** : Doc, get in there and see what he found.

 **Doc:**  Which Doc, there's a, is there another Doc here? I know you're not talking to me. Yeah, you know, probably better if you go in? Historically, I don't really have the best success rate going in caves. They tend not to work out for me. Before your time, but trust me. I-uhy- you don't want any part o' that.

"Yeah… Doc's experience with caves haven't been really pleasant, with the A.I possession and all." Ruby said as she stretched, "Alright, last one for the set. Is anyone feeling a little tired?"

"Yeah, a little." Yang answered as everyone yawned, "Maybe we should take a power nap after this."

"Yeah we should." Blake said with a nod,

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's do this." Weiss said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Snooze Button)**

_The episode starts with a black and white area, with Church's armour being the only colour available_

**Church:**  What happened? Where am I?

"I don't know…" Yang muttered as she narrowed her eyes, "This feels… I don't know, familiar. Does anyone feel like that place is familiar?" Her teammates nodded as they had an odd feeling of familiarity to the area Church was in.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Safety Protocols were initiated, please remain calm.

 **Church:**  Sheila, is that you?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Yes.

" _Kinda_   _hard to mistaken_." Noire said.

 **Church:**  What is this place?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Your operator has been injured or incapacitated, and you are now in Recovery Mode. You will remain in this state until such time as you can be extracted by a Recovery Agent, or your operator regains consciousness.

"Wait a minute, doesn't that sound out a Recovery Beacon!?" Weiss exclaimed, "Shit, you just revealed Church's location to Washington!"

 **Church:**  Wait! You didn't send a Recovery Beacon did you!? Because that would be really-

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Recovery Beacons only arm once a unit leaves the facility. This unit has yet to leave this facility there for we must first...

 **Church:**  Yeah, yeah I got it.

"Well, that's a relief." Ruby said as everyone sighed in relief, "That means the facility is a safe haven as long as Washington and the Meta find the place."

"Plus, with all the equipment they have available to them, they'll be able to defend against them should they need to." Yang added in.

 **Church:** Is that Tex?

"Huh, I wonder why she's there with him." Blake spoke up.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Affirmative. Technically, she is not present in this environment, but if you would like to speak to her I can relay communication through external channel.

 **Church:**  Yes, please.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I am sorry but she has refused the connection. She should not be able to do that.

"Yeah, that's surprising." Weiss muttered to herself.

 **Church:**  Yeah, that's not surprising.

"FUCK ME!" Weiss shouted out as she slammed her face onto the table,

"' _Of all_   _time_ ',  _repeating dialogue, similar personalities, we should make this a book_." Noire suggested, " _I can see it now. The Cobalt Comparison: The Best Weiss Schnee Story Ever_.  _Of All Time_." Weiss gave her a death glare before glaring at the others when they chuckled at that.

 **Church:** Can you force it through?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I can try, but I would not recommend that action.

 **Church:**  Because I might damage her?

"Or she might damage you." Blake added in, "Both in Recovery Mode and in the real world."

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  No, I just have learned that when a woman wants to be alone, it is best to leave her alone.

"Tex must've told her that." Weiss guessed, "And she is so right." 'I know from experience.' Weiss thought as she winced a little. Last time she tried to talk to Yang while it was her time of the month.

 **Church:**  Yeah, good call. Hey get me out of this but, uh, leave her in here until I figure out what to do with her.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Suit yourself.

_Tex turns her head towards Church, as if she heard_

The girls couldn't help but snicker a little, "Yeah… it's going to be a  _very_  interesting conversation when she wakes up _._ " Yang said with a chuckle.

 **Church:**  Uhh, she didn't hear that did she?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Unclear.

 **Church:**  I thought you weren't relaying my messages!

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Recovery Mode disabled.

"Man, F.I.L.S.S is a dick." Ruby said, holding back a laugh, "But sometimes she can be a good kind of dick. And sometimes a bad one"

" _Ruby, there is no such thing as a bad dick_." Noire informed the red Leader, " _Except small ones_.  _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

"And Bow Chicka Bow Wow." Perverted Ruby quickly said as she high-fived the perverted cat girl while the others groaned.

 **Church:**  You women always stick together. Oh man I hope she didn't hear that.

"Oh, she probably heard that." Blake said, "May as well prepare yourself for an ass-kicking when she wakes up."

_Cut to Washington at the desert._

**Washington:**  Are you going in or not?

"I'm guessing not." Weiss said.

 **Doc:**  Oh, do I have a choice? Then not, I'm gonna go with that one.

 **Washington:**  Meta, get out here!

 **Meta:**  ( _growls_ )

"Seriously, what did the Meta find? And what's so important about it?" Yang asked. She really wanted to know, "God, the Meta is acting like a child."

 **Doc:**  Yeah, I'm definitely gonna stick with not. That seems like the best one of those two choices that you gave me.

 **Washington:**  Get in there!

 **Doc:**  Tell you what, put me back in the wall, I like the wall. It was cozy and it protected me. I miss my wall!

"That would mean you have to get the Meta to punch you again." Weiss pointed out, "Doc, you're digging your own grave here and putting nails into your coffin. Stop talking."

 **Washington:**  You are utterly useless. I know we brought you along for a reason but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.

 **Doc:**  The important thing is we're becoming friends.

The girls all face palmed at that, "Yeah… I know I said to become friends with your kidnappers but for the love of God, it is not working right now." Blake said as she shook her head, "I don't think Washington will have second thoughts shooting you in the face, and don't even start on letting you go."

 **Doc:** They say the bonds of men in combat are as strong as brotherhood!

 **Washington:**  Meta get out here... please!

 **Doc:**  His voice sounds tense. Maybe you should give him a back rub. That wouldn't be weird, right? One Freelancer giving another a back rub?

" _Yeah_ …  _getting hot and sweaty as you strip each other's armour off in order to relax_ ,  _urges to take each other for a ride increasing by the touch..._ " Noire said as she started to space out and drool. The girls shifted away… well, they would've if they weren't drooling and spacing out too. It took them a couple of minutes to go back to reality but when they did, it took them several more minutes to… calm themselves down as well as a few tissues before they got back to the episode.

They were very lonely.

 **Washington:**  Aren't you trained in stress management or something? Calm him down!

"I don't think the Meta has been calm for a very long time." Ruby said as she stretched.

 **Doc:**  That only works if the person wants to be calm. I don't think he qualifies.

 **Washington:**  Listen Meta, whatever you found, we can deal with it, I promise. Just come out here and show me what it is.

_Meta throws something at Washington and Doc._

"Whoa-kay!" The girls called out as they jumped in their seats,

"Was that another grenade!?" Yang called out.

 **Washington:**  WOAH!

 **Doc:**  Funky butt-loving!

_Washington and Doc stare at the Epsilon module._

"Yang, I don't think that's a grenade." Blake said as they all stared at the Epsilon Unit, "We forgot Caboose left the Epsilon Unit in Sandtrap, didn't we?"

"It's a useless piece of junk anyway. They can't exactly do anything with it." Weiss pointed out, "How is it going to track down Church?"

 **Washington:**  Oh. You found... that.

_Scene cuts to Church and Tucker._

**Tucker:**  Oh oh god, that sucked! What was all that glowing shit?

"Yeah, kinda wondering about the glowy stuff." Ruby muttered, "I'm guessing it's for artistic effect and allowing us to tell the difference between reality and Recovery Mode."

 **Church:**  Sheila put us in lockdown to save us.

 **Tucker:**  She knocked us out to help us? That makes sense.

" _Well, at least she's not kicking your ass into next week_!" Noire called out, " _And the week after that. And the week after that. And the month after that. And the year after that…_ "

"Okay, we get it." The RWBYs interrupted her.

 **Church:**  Hey, at least we're not getting our asses kicked okay? That's an improvement.

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, that's a good point. Can't argue with results.

" _God damn it_." Noire muttered, " _Leaving for one second…_ "

"What is it?" Ruby asked. Noire just sighed and shook her head,

" _Nothing, just questioning more than a few words that have been 'thoughtfully' added by a relative._ " Noire answered, ' _Stupid oppai-loving baka hentai._ ' Noire grumbled in her mind, ' _Hopefully everything's fixed._ '

_They walk over to the Reds._

**Church:**  Sheila, can they, ahh... can they hear me?

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Affirmative.

 **Caboose:**  She said yes.

The girls winced as they cover their ears as they had flashbacks to when they found the bullhorn app on Ozpin's Scroll weeks ago, "Okay, who gave the idiot the microphone!?" Yang called out.

 **Tucker:**  We heard her dipshit!

 **Caboose:**  I know! I just want to use the microphone! It makes me sound super loud! I'm not sure if you can tell!

"Oh, WE CAN TELL DUMBASS!" Weiss and Blake yelled out.

 **Tucker:**  Hey, where'd you get the new body?

 **Church:**  Long story dude, I'll tell you later.

 **Tucker:**  Man, I know I asked but I really don't give a shit, Church.

"Yeah, that pretty much sums up Tucker's relationship with Church." Ruby said.

 **Caboose:**  Attention Freelancer shoppers! We have a special on submachine guns in aisle seven!

 **Church:**  Sheila, please mute him.

"For the love of God, MUTE HIM!" The RWBYs and Noire shouted out.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Affirmative.

 **Caboose:**  This is Michael. J Caboose and I - ( Mute ) - aww man...

"Thank you." Ruby said with a sigh of relief, "…It does look fun though."

"YOU'RE NOT DOING IT!" Weiss shouted at her partner, "…I wanna." She whispered to herself.

_Scene cuts to the Reds in Recovery Mode._

**Simmons:**  Sarge, where are we?

"Recovery Mode, but they don't know that." Blake answered.

 **Sarge:**  Men, I have bad news for all of us - we're dead. Which in the case of Grif is good news for me. But still, bad news overall.

"Sarge, you know that," Yang then stopped herself as she realized something, "Oh. Oh…! No wonder!"

" _What is it_?" Noire asked,

"Sarge knows thinks he's dead because he already died!"

"What?" Weiss said,

"Remember when Caboose headshot Sarge while he was possessed by Church? And how he was somehow revived from that headshot?"

"Yeah…" Ruby said as she repeated the scene in her head,

"He didn't actually die. He went into Recovery Mode!" Everyone's eyes widened as they realized this,

"Holy shit, you're right." Blake said in a flat tone, "That also explains why he survived. His armour locked up and was unlocked when he was healed!"

"Man, they  _really_ thought ahead with this series, huh?" Ruby stated,

"That, or they're making it up as they go along." Yang added in, "Still, some nice logic there creators."

 **Simmons:**  Dead?! I can't be dead! I still have so much to do!

 **Grif:**  Uh? Like what?

 **Simmons:**  Like... everything that doesn't involve a computer...man, it's been a real one-track life for me.

"My God, Simmons is a loser." Weiss muttered.

 **Grif:**  So this is the afterlife, huh? Not bad, it's kind of grainy. Overall, I can't complain.

 **Sarge:**  This is just the stage before we move on, like purgatory.

 **Simmons:**  Ooo, or like the last episode of Lost.

"LOST SUCKS!" Everyone yelled out,

"I'm still confused by the ending!" Ruby added in, "And the beginning. As well as everything else. Seriously, why the fuck is there a smoke monster?"

" _It could've been just a cloud of smoke coming from someone smoking crack_." Noire answered.

 **Sarge:**  Hey! I haven't seen that yet! No Spoilers!

 **Simmons:**  That show was on hundreds of years ago!

 **Sarge:**  La, la, la-la, don't say anything else!

"Even after hundreds of years, people will still never understand the ending." Weiss muttered.

 **Simmons:**  Give me a break!

 **Grif:**  Well, I'm going to sleep. See you losers in 14 hours.

 **Sarge:** Grif, no napping!

"Well, all things considering, he should be taking a dirt nap if he was actually dead." Blake pointed out.

 **Grif:**  Sorry Sarge, but you always said I can sleep when I was dead. Hey, guess what? I am dead. So this purgatory is about to become purga-snory. Yawn...

Yang had to be restrained by her teammates as she tried to smash the TV, "Let me make him pay for his sins!" Yang said as she struggle to break free from their grips without throwing them through walls,

"NEVER!" Ruby declared in defiance. After Yang calmed down, they continued the episode.

 **Sarge:**  Grif!

 **Church:**  Hey Reds! Can you hear me?

 **Sarge:**  Who in Sam Heaven is that?

 **Simmons:**  Is that God?

"Please don't give Church a big head again." Blake groaned, "He was a god once, don't make him a god again."

"Especially when all his followers are dead." Weiss added in, "Who kinda deserved it." The humans in the room couldn't help but agree.

 **Grif:**  Hey almighty, can it! Some of us are trying to get a little shut eye.

 **Sarge:**  No Blasphemy!

 **Simmons:**  What do you want God? Take Grif, he's been terrible! I mean great!

"They're all going to Hell if they said that to the actual God." Yang said as she crossed her arms.

 **Tucker:**  It's not God dude, its Church. He just thinks he's God.

_Scene returns to Church and Tucker_

**Tucker:**  Pfft, this is just what you need, more people worshipping you.

"Yeah, Caboose is enough." Ruby said as she sighed.

 **Church:**  Yeah, hey listen, we want to let you out, but we don't want you to attack us or attack Tex, OK?

" _No guarantee_." Noire simply said.

 **Simmons:**  Attack Tex? She attacked us!

 **Grif:**  Fuck you guys!

 **Sarge:**  I would never hit a girl!

"YOU'VE TRIED AND HAVE HIT A GIRL!" The girls yelled out,

"Fuck it, Tex should've punched  _him_ in the balls instead of Grif." Ruby grumbled to herself.

 **Church:**  Just agree and we'll let you out.

 **Simmons:**  Grr, fine...

 **Grif:**  Whatever...

 **Sarge:**  Grk duh mrm jerk gurrgle...

"Sarge, in war you have to kill people no matter what gender. You of all people should've known." Blake pointed out,

"Yeah, in war we can say murder is of equal opportunity." Yang added in.

 **Church:**  I'm gonna assume that last one was a yes. Alright, let 'em out Sheila!

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Affirmative. Ending Recovery Mode, [Red Units].

 **Sarge:**  Ahh! My neck was killing me!

"Whew, that's done." Ruby said as everyone sighed, "Alright, what's the time?"

"Late." Blake answered without looking at the clock, "I guess that power nap just became a good night's sleep."

" _Let's just go to bed_." Noire said as she yawned. Everyone changed into their night clothes and hopped into their beds, " _Night everyone_!" Noire called out from the JNPR dorm,

"Night!" The RWBYs called back as they all fell asleep, not noticing a ghostly spectre watching them from the window, specifically at a certain people,

"… I'm sorry…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	67. Not What You Think (Battle of the Exes, Reconfiguration, Check Your Local Listings)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Weiss was having a rather strange dream. She couldn't see anything but she felt every muscle in her body was on fire. There were loud noises all around her but she couldn't make out what it was, even the voices that tried to penetrate the barrier of whatever was deafening her hearing. She also felt a rush of adrenaline, constantly giving her power to do whatever she was doing. Actually, with everything going on around her apparently, she felt like she wanted to have a heart attack. No, she didn't mess that sentence up, she literally wanted to have a heart attack. Anyway, when she woke up in the middle of the night, she decided it was a good idea to wash her face to try and get what seemed like a nightmare to her out of her head. In her groggy state, she didn't notice the glowing white figure in the room trying to hide herself as a lamp or the fact that the window was broken and allowing a nice cooling breeze inside the dorm. When she got back, she went to her bed and went back to sleep, "…Oh thank God." The white figure sighed in relief.

(2 seconds later)

"AAAAHHHH!" Weiss screamed out as she was thrown through the door and into the hallway, slamming her back against a wall and landing flat on her face, "Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Weiss groaned as she got up, before getting a haymaker to the face and sent skidding across the floor. Back in the dorm, the white figure started walking to Weiss' location,

"Weiss?" Yang groaned as she woke up, only to see they had no door anymore and Weiss was missing, "…Um, okay." She got out of her bed and started to investigate the damage, only to hear Weiss cry out in pain and the sounds of a struggle, "Oh shit." Yang swore as she grabbed Ember Cecelia & Myrtenaster and started making her way to the location of the noise. When she arrived she saw Weiss trying to block and dodge all the attacks that were sent her way, but to no avail, "Fuck! Weiss, heads up!"

"Huh?" Weiss then she and the ghost saw that Yang threw her Rapier in the air and Weiss saw that who was kicking her ass was distracted. She kicked the ghost in the gut and jumped high in the air and grabbed her weapon, before paying the bitch back by using some Fire Dust and punishing her with fireballs while in the air. The person saw this and dodged the attack before jumping up and slamming Weiss in the face so hard, it sent her back to Yang,

"Watch it!" Yang exclaimed as she threw the Heiress off her,

"How about get out of the-" Then Weiss felt her leg get grabbed, "Oh… shit."

"What?" Yang managed to get out before the figure used Weiss as her weapon and started beating her up with Weiss, before throwing the Ice Princess over her shoulder, elbowed Yang in the gut and finished with an uppercut which sent Yang flying, "Oh shit!" Yang yelled out before getting slammed back into the ground by the ghost, "Fuck me…"

" _Someone called_?" Noire asked as she and Blake arrived at the scene, weapons in hand, " _Um… who the Hell is that chick_?"

"I don't know, but she hurt my friends so it's all I need to know." Blake growled as she got out readied Gambol Shroud, while the others readied their weapons, "GO!" Blake shouted as everyone charged at the ghost. Next thing they knew, they were all punched in the face at the same time and knocked back into a wall,

" _So this is how the BGC felt when they got their asses kicked._ " Noire groaned as everyone dropped to the floor, " _What perfect fucking timing._ "

"Holy shit, can she make clones or something?" Weiss said as she picked Myrtenaster back up, "Better yet, why can she hit like a truck?"

"Well, it takes a truck to defeat a truck!" Yang shouted out as her hair flared as the ground cracked beneath her before rushing the ghost alone. The ghost only stood there as Yang's hands fazed through her, not even flinching at each attack. This only got Yang angrier as she kept attacking,

"Is it… is it really who I think it is?" Weiss asked as she looked at the white cloaked figure, who looked like she was getting bored at that point,

" _I-I don't think so._ " Noire replied as she narrowed her eyes, "… _But I can tell you this. She's not really a ghost._ "

"Really, I haven't noticed." Blake said sarcastically as she rubbed her right cheek,

"Then why are Yang's punches fazing through her?" Weiss asked as she saw the Blonde Brawler growing more and more frustrated,

" _That's the thing. There aren't fazing through her. She's dodging._ " Noire informed, " _Whoever this is, this person can move so fast that no normal person can see her move._ "

"And how do you know?" Blake had to ask,

" _I don't. It could be that or it could be that she's vibrating at such a high frequency that she basically can't be touched._ " Noire replied as she activated her Aura Generator and twirled her chain rapier, " _Either way, this is gonna suck._ " Noire said before charging forward. The ghost saw this and decided she needed to act fast. She slammed her fist into Yang's throat before kneeing her in the groin and punting her away before readying herself for Noire's attack. She quickly dodged a few of Noire's slashes before disarming her and headbutting her to the ground before climbing on top of her, grabbing something from her belt and attaching it to Noire neck, " _Hey, wait, isn't that my_ -"

*BZZZZZZZZT!*

"How does she not die?" Blake thought out loud before getting hit by a smoking Noire,

" _I literally hate everything that's led up to this point._ " Noire groaned as the two 'twins' got up while the ghost nursed her extremely sore hand,

"At least you tried." Weiss tried to cheer her up,

*Yawn* "Hey guys, what's going… on?" Ruby asked tiredly as she walked up to her teammates. When she saw white figure, she couldn't help but stare as the first thing she could think of when she looked at this ghost came out of her mouth, "M-Mum?" Then she saw her injured friends, "You fucking bitch." Ruby growled as she rushed back to the dorm to grab Crescent Rose,

"Ruby, I don't think it's mum." Yang said when Ruby came back with her weapon,

"I know." Ruby replied as she got into her battle stance and glared at her opponent, "Alright, I don't know who the Hell you are but listen to-" She was going to go into this whole 600 word speech on why no one left alive should hurt her allies and friends, but was interrupted when Crescent Rose vanished into thin air, "Huh?" Everyone stopped staring at Ruby's empty hands and looked at the ghost's, who stole Crescent Rose while everyone was too busy blinking,

"…Well, we're fucked." Yang said after a minute of silence as Ruby slowly started to let Creepy Ruby take over,

"Don't. Touch. My. Baby." Creepy Ruby growled, causing Yang to have flashbacks to Season 4, as the shadows around her started to wrap themselves around her like a cloak. The ghost just stepped back, put Crescent Rose on her belt, pulled out a gun and started firing at her. To everyone's surprise, however, the bullets bounced off of Ruby as she kept making her way towards the ghost. The ghost face palmed and threw the gun away before pulling out her last trick. It was too dark to really see but Blake & Noire saw that it was a weapon, but couldn't recognize anything into put it into a class. But, as the figure transformed the weapon out of its neutral state, they knew roughly what it could be.

A hammer.

A very big hammer.

"What the Hell is that?" Weiss asked as the ghost swung the weapon over her shoulder,

"Whatever it is, it can't be good." Yang said as she reluctantly stood up and cocked her gauntlets, "Come on, let's go kick her ass." The others nodded as they all picked themselves up and got ready,

"Don't do this." The ghost said, trying to keep her cool though the fear in her voice was obvious,

" _She finally speaks_." Noire said as she rubbed her sore… everything,

"Just let me go and I promise you won't meet me ever again." Ruby one cackled at that,

"I don't care if I never see you again." Ruby said in her layered voice, her hair covering her eyes, "All I want to see, is you leaving in a body bag." She then looked up at her with a mad look on her face, "Suffer! Tsukuyomi!"

"You asked for it. May God have mercy on your soul and mind." The ghost sighed as she flashed her own eyes, "Here you go." She said happily as she gave Ruby a picture, causing Creepy Ruby to retract as Real Ruby took over,

"Hey, the heck is…" Ruby trailed off as she looked at the picture, before turning green and vomiting onto the ghost's shoe,

"Oh, ew!" The ghost exclaimed as she hopped around before trying to wipe her shoe off by kicking Ruby in the face and then using her hammer to send her back to her teammates, "Gross!"

"I hate everything in this fucking universe." Weiss groaned as everyone got up, "Who… is she? She doesn't sound like anyone we know. I think."

"Well, why don't we ask her?" Blake said dryly,

"That's… a good idea." Yang replied,

'I was kidding.' Blake thought as she sweatdropped,

" _Alright, who are you_?" Noire asked as everyone glared at the ghost, " _What's your purpose_?  _Why are you here_?"

"Shouldn't you be asking yourselves the same question?" The ghost retorted, causing some confusion,

"What do you mean?" Ruby asked when she recovered from everything that has happened to her so far,

"Do you ever wonder why you're here? How you ended up here?" The girls just stepped back as they all looked at each other, "Or even why you're still here?"

"It's obvious. Beacon has a shitty way of keeping track of students." Yang answered, "We got trapped here because no one bothered to check if we were on one of the ships before they all left."

"…Really? Is that what you think?" The ghost asked, causing everyone to have second thoughts, "Do you want to be here?"

"Of course not!' Weiss shouted out, "We've been here for weeks with no outside contact! We're ticking time bombs of insanity! We're going to kill each other at this rate!"

"And yet, you haven't." The ghost said as she looked at Crescent Rose. Ruby growled as the figure touched her weapon, "Maybe… you want to be here."

"…What?" Yang asked after everyone processed what the ghost had just suggested, "What the fuck makes you think that!?"

"Alright, fine." The ghost sighed as she threw Crescent Rose back to Ruby, "You want to escape Beacon before summer ends?"

"Yes!" The RWBYs shouted, but Noire decided to stay quiet,

"…There's a Bullhead in front of the school. Use it to your heart's content." The ghost said, causing everyone's eyes to widen,

"Wh-What?" Ruby whispered out, "We can leave?"

"Any time you want."

"But what about the security grid that surrounds the entire area?" Weiss asked,

"You're joking, right? That thing has been offline for weeks now." The ghost answered, "Anyway, you guys can stay here or leave and go your separate ways. It's your choice."

"Why should we believe you?" Blake asked as she narrowed her eyes at the figure,

"Because it'll be there when you wake up." The ghost answered with a smirk as she pulled out an orange cube,

"Wait, what?" They all said as the ghost threw the cube behind them. Suddenly, a ton of red barrels appeared behind them. The ghost then picked up her gun, reloaded and gave it to Blake,

"Now, would you be a dear and blow those up please?" She asked the Faunus sweetly. Blake only glared at her in response, "That, or I kick your asses even more and feed you to the Grimm. Or better yet, let them have you any way they like. I heard it's mating season after all."

"…Screw that." Blake said as she tried to pistol whip the ghost, only for the ghost to grab her arm and point the gun at the barrels. Ruby saw this and quickly tackled the ghost down,

"FUCK! YOU!" Ruby shouted as she started trying to strangle the ghost, before being getting slapped in the face,

"Really wish you guys would just give up already!" The ghost groaned as she grabbed Ruby's hair pulled her down so she could headbutt her. She quickly shoved the red Leader away, stood up and took a few steps back, "Seriously, just stop!"

"NEVER!" The RWBYs & Noire shouted at they all charged at her,

"Welp, time to stop holding back." The ghost said casually as she pulled out her hammer. She sighed before she started swinging it around her, gaining more momentum the faster she went. Her hammer at that point had started glowing a pale blue colour when the young Huntresses-In-Training finally got to her,

" _DIE_!" Noire yelled out as everyone jumped into the air,

"Been there. Done that." The ghost whispered to herself as she jumped back, causing everyone to miss, and jumped forward with her hammer in the air, "Havity No Gravity!" She slammed the hammer into the floor with such force, the entire floor cracked underneath the hammer, not to mention the shockwave that came from it. Our protagonists were blasted high into the air by the force. They quickly braced themselves for the ground that supposed to come, but found out very quickly that wasn't happening,

"Um, are we floating?" Yang asked while Weiss flailed around in a hopeless attempt to break out of whatever was keeping them in the air,

"Yep." Blake answered as Ruby saw the ghost drag all the explosive barrels to their location,

"Well, I know where this is going." Ruby groaned as the gun the ghost gave Blake appeared in one hand and a fresh clip in the other. She sighed as she reloaded the gun and pointed it at the barrels, "Sorry everyone…"

"Meh, you have to do what you have to do." Yang replied as everyone braced themselves

"By the way, I am really fucking sorry for what's going to happen next." The ghost said as she pulled out a purple crystal from her pocket, causing Noire to glare at the person,

" _Oh shut up, you stupid fucking daughter of a wh_ -"

**_BANG!_ **

(Next Day!)

"Ow…" Ruby groaned, the sun in her face waking her up, "What happened?" She said as she sat up, only to find herself in the middle of the courtyard. She looked around before looking up and seeing a rather large chunk of Beacon being destroyed. She looked down and saw her PJs were a complete wreck. She still had the ghost's gun in her hand and noticed how much everything hurt. Remembering the events of last night she decided that the best course of action was to head over to the front of the school to see if the ghost said was true. So, she slowly stood up and started making her way there. When she got there, all she could do was cry.

(Some time later)

"It's there." Yang said incredulously. Everyone was now in the infirmary and was patching up their wounds, "The Bullhead is there."

"Yeah. We can leave at any time we want." Ruby replied as she took some painkillers,

"Why should we trust this… ghost girl?" Weiss asked as she bandaged up her arm, "She could've sabotaged the ship! Maybe didn't give us enough fuel to make it to the city and causing us to crash mid-flight! Put a bomb that's set to explode as soon as the ship leaves the ground! And that's not even factoring in that we all don't know how to fly a Bullhead! She could even be that fucking RT guy or the Dust thief!"

' _Nope… that was me that time._ ' Noire thought as she sighed,

"Yeah, but… are we really going to take the risk?" Blake asked, causing everyone to stop what they were doing,

"Um, of course." Yang answered, though strangely enough she sounded hesitant, "We're going to run out of supplies at some point and I really wanna just spend the rest of the summer just… doing my thing."

" _And what is that thing_?" Noire asked as she put on a band-aid on her arm,

"I don't know, but it certainly doesn't involve any of you. We need some time to hang out with other people after all. Plus, if I'm gonna go and check the Bullhead and make sure everything's safe. If it doesn't have enough fuel, I'm sure we can dip into Weiss' Dust supplies. You don't mind, do ya Weiss?"

"If it gets us out of here." Weiss replied, "I'll even watch Sensational 7 again if I have to." The girls shivered at the mention of that horrible movie,

"So… we're gonna do it, huh?" Ruby said as she looked at the others. Everyone nodded except Noire, who was only looking down, "Noire?"

" _At least finish the rest of the season_." Noire said emotionlessly as she stood up, " _We took a lot of damage so we need some time to heal, may as well finish Revelation_.  _I'm gonna set up the TV. I'll meet you guys at the dorm._ " She looked back at them before leaving,

"What's up with her?" Weiss asked as she looked at her teammates,

"I have a feeling I know." Blake replied as she narrowed her eyes, "I'm going to talk to her later but until then we need to change out these clothes." She said as she looked at everyone's state of dress. So after they took care of their medical needs, they all headed over to the dorm to change their clothes.

(A few minutes later)

"So, where's your shock collar?" Yang asked as everyone took their spots on the couch,

" _Apparently around my neck and the other place_." Noire answered as she tried to pull it off of her, " _And is twice as fucking annoying._ "

"Well, hold still. I'll take it off." Ruby said as she got out a screwdriver and started tinkering with the collar,

" _Should I be worried that she has a screwdriver near my jugular_?  _Especially when it's clear that I hate her as much as I hate Donald Trump_?"

"Donald who now?" Blake asked with a confused look on her face,

" _I-I mean Donald… Duck._ " Noire quickly said before muttering to herself, " _Stupid fucking irritating duck bastard._ "

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but I don't exactly care." Weiss admitted,

"And… done!" Ruby announced as she unlocked the shock collar around Noire's neck and took it off,

"Um, how would you know how to do that?" Yang asked as Ruby put the screwdriver away as she narrowed her eyes at her,

"Yang, it aren't that hard to figure out how to." Ruby answered, "Anyway, there's more important things we need to focus on. Like who the Hell that ghost was."

"Yeah." Blake agreed. Ruby took out the gun the ghost and she used last night and studied the look. It seemed familiar but she couldn't exactly remember where she saw the gun,

"Whoever this person is, she's way out of our league." Ruby stated as she continued to study the gun,

"No kidding." Yang groaned as she stretched her muscles, "That sucked so much."

"' _Suck_ '?" Blake repeated, "I could feel her beating me up while I was getting blown away by the explosion."

" _At least we did marginally better than the Reds & Blues_." Noire pointed out, " _We actually got some hits on her._ "

"We still ended up getting blown up though. Fucking Hell, she beat us up even more while we were  _exploding_!" Weiss also pointed out, "And how did she know us? Better yet, how does she know that we're here?"

"It's a question we can't really answer right now." Ruby replied as they all tried to figure out who would know about them being here apart from JNPR and RVIW in silence,

"You know, ever since summer started all this weird shit keeps happening to us." Yang stated as she rubbed her head, "Memory lapses, thieves, ghosts, rocks being thrown out of nowhere and now some bitch pays us a visit, kicks the crap out of us, tells us some cryptic bullshit, blows us up and leaves us a Bullhead for… what? To prove a point to us? Seriously, what makes us so special to cause all of that shit to happen? We're just another group of Huntresses amongst thousands of others after all."

"We're not even officially Huntresses." Blake spoke up, "We're Huntresses-In-Training. We're not even at our full potential yet and we had to deal with so much stuff no normal person should ever deal with, at least not at our age. And we're technically not in our second year."

"Ugh, this is getting so confusing." Ruby groaned as she rubbed her forehead, "Let's just get this over and done with so we can all go home!" Everyone cheered, celebrating the fact that they now could go home at any point now. But, the only one not celebrating was Noire,

" _Yay…_ " Noire said unenthusiastically as she picked up the remote, hoped the next few episodes would cheer her up a little, and pressed play.

**(Battle of the Exes)**

_Fade in to the Meta, Doc and Wash in no particular order standing over the Epsilon unit_

"I totally knew it was going to bite them in the ass some day." Ruby groaned,

"Like I said before Ruby, it's useless without Epsilon inside the Epsilon unit." Weiss pointed out, "Plus, it's not like the Epsilon unit will lead them to the Reds & Blues. It's basically useless to them."

 **Meta** : ( _growl_ )

 **Washington** : Don't get excited, it's empty.

 **Doc** : What is it?

" _Right now; a piece of junk_." Noire answered.

 **Washington** : This is the Epsilon unit.

 **Doc** : This is what you've been looking for?

 **Washington** : Yes.

"But not exactly what you're hoping for Washington." Yang added in.

 **Doc** : Not what I was expecting. I mean I like the colour, but other than that, nihh...

 **Washington** : Clearly they transferred Epsilon into that floating thing we saw.

"Which is now  _also_  a piece of junk." Blake also added in, "…Never thought I'd call an ancient piece of technology from a super advanced race a piece of junk."

"Yeah, at this point you can't exactly care about stuff like that." Weiss said.

 **Doc** : You saw a floating thing?

 **Washington** : Yes, like a metal eye. It shot a laser at us.

 **Doc** : Yeah, okay. Hey Wash, this sun is really hot, maybe we should find you some shade.

"Yeah, after all that mental damage and scarring caused by Epsilon and Project Freelancer along with the physical ones, it's safe to say he's probably not all there. And still, out of context it actually sounds a _little_  bit like crazy talk." Ruby said,

"Only a little?" Yang asked with a raised eyebrow,

"Okay it's completely crazy, but it's only due to a lack of context. Context is everything after all." Ruby stated.

 **Washington** : I'm not hallucinating, Meta saw it too.

 **Meta** : ( _growl_ )

 **Washington** : Oh yes you did! Don't even try that.

"While it's arguably enjoyable to see Washington suffer, I have to admit that is a dick move." Blake admitted.

 **Doc** : Wash, do you see the floating eyeball now? Is he here with us?

 **Washington** : Don't psychoanalyze me.

" _Dude, you need all the psychoanalysis you can get because you're not going to get any of that any time soon_." Noire said before looking at the RWBYs, "… _May as well throw these people in the mix as well. God knows they need it_."

"HEY!" Team RWBY shouted out before they thought about it,

"…She is right though." Yang admitted, with her teammates quickly agreeing, "Anyway, Doc isn't a therapist. Hell, he's barely even a medic."

"Emphasis on the 'barely'." Blake added.

 **Doc** : I'd like to talk to the laser eye for a minute Wash.

 **Washington** (& RWBY and Noire): Shut up.

"You are contributing nothing!" Ruby called out.

 **Washington:** Meta, let's convert this to a recovery unit. But be careful, this thing looks like it's in bad shape.

"Um… what did he say about a recovery unit?" Yang said with a confused look on her face,

" _Well, I'm not surprised about the unit's condition_." Noire admitted, " _It must've suffered a lot of abuse before Epsilon became Church_."

 **Meta** : ( _growl_ )

_The Meta walks over to the Epsilon unit and starts doing stuff to it_

**Doc** : What's he doing?

 **Washington** : This is a storage unit, but we're trained to modify them. We can change a storage unit into a capture unit. That way, the next time we see Epsilon, he won't get away.

"Huh, I have to admit that's actually pretty smart since they can capture Epsilon without him getting away." Blake said, "I bet they even have a kit that comes inside the unit to help with conversion."

"Yeah, but it doesn't exactly solve how they'll track him down, but at least now the old Epsilon Unit still has some use, even if it is for evil." Weiss pointed out,

 **Doc** : Are you talking about the regular Epsilon, or the Epsilon who's just a floating head and visits you when you're alone.

 **Washington** : I'm not crazy. …And it was just the eye that was floating around, not a whole head.

"Washington, that is not supporting your argument at all." Ruby deadpanned.

 **Doc** : Yes Wash, because the whole head is what makes it crazy.

"I'm honestly surprised he hasn't punched him yet." Blake said,

"Or kick him." Yang added,

" _Or strangle him_." Noire finished, " _Strangling him would definitely work._ " ' _Thank you snake screamer for the joke._ '

_Cut to the Freelancer facility where the Reds and Blues are seen standing over Tex's body on the floor_

**Church** : I'm waking her up.

 **Sarge** : No way buddy. You must have missed the smashfest we just went through. I ain't repeating that.

"No kidding." Team RWBY muttered as they rubbed all their sore areas, which was everywhere.

 **Church** : Hey, we made a deal: I unlock you; you have to help me with her.

 **Grif** : Hey, now hold on a second.

"Yeah, you didn't say anything about them unlocking Tex." Weiss said, "And after that whole fight, they aren't exactly trusting of her."

 **Simmons** : This affects the entire group. I say we put it to a vote.

"That's a good idea, but they're gonna have to take her out of Armour Lock some time." Blake stated.

 **Simmons:** All those in favor of waking her up and letting her kill us, say Aye.

 **Church** : Aye. Caboose?

 **Caboose** : Present.

"It isn't 4th grade Caboose." Yang muttered, "Kinda surprised he even passed 4th grade."

" _I'm surprised he passed any grade_." Noire admitted.

 **Church** : No, we're not doing that. Just say aye.

 **Caboose** : You. Oops I mean me!

 **Church** : No. Aye.

 **Caboose** : Church.

 **Church** : Just say Aye.

 **Caboose** : Oh, I get it, right, sorry. My left eye or my right eye?

"I think I just lost a few brain cells from that alone." Ruby said as the others groaned.

 **Church** : He votes yes.

 **Caboose** : I would also like it noted I was present.

 **Sarge** : Okay. And everyone in favor of not doing that thing and leaving her asleep and not getting killed by the person we're not going to wake up because nobody is that stupid, say Nay.

"That was literally negative in every way." Yang said as she rubbed the back of her neck, "Confusing, sure, but negative in every way."

 **Simmons** : That was like a, quadruple negative.

 **Sarge** : Just vote.

 **Simmons** : Nay?

"Why do you sound so unsure? Do you  _want_ Tex to kick your ass!?" Weiss exclaimed,

" _Maybe he's a masochist_." Noire guessed, " _He does follow Sarge after all_   _and_   _some of the stuff he says is absolutely painful to listen to._ "

 **Grif** : I didn't even understand the question, so I'm just gonna say Blueberry.

"And this is why I question how they're going to kill Washington and the Meta." Blake deadpanned.

 **Church** : Fuck it, veto, she comes out. So Sheila, is there any way to turn her, only you know, partway back on?

 **F.I.L.S.S** : No, I am sorry. I can either leave her in lock, or take her out of lock. There is no in between.

 **Tucker** : So she's either completely asleep, or full-on bitch.

"Or, you know, Little Miss Weiss Schnee-Church." Yang joked,

"HEY!" The Heiress shouted out as the other snickered,

" _She is right though_." Noire said in between chuckles,

"STOP AGREEING WITH SISTER!" Yang started the growl at that,

"For the millionth time this goddamn summer, I AM NOT SISTER!"

"Like Ruby Rose being totally not Little Red Riding Hood." Blake replied with a smirk, causing Yang to groan as everyone else laughed.

 **Tucker:** Sounds like my ex-wife.

"Huh, never knew Tucker had a wife." Ruby noted, "Kinda obvious now considering that he's pretty much everything women don't want in a man. Personality wise, anyway."

 **Caboose** : You were married?

 **Tucker** : Haw-ha- gross, I hope not.

"I'd be surprised if he did fuck something that isn't an alien." Weiss said, "And before anyone says is; Sister doesn't count. She'd have sex with a doe if she was even near one."

"Would she do a doe during a torna- _doe_?" Yang punned as she nudged her teammate's arm, "Eh? Eh?" There was a few seconds of silence before Noire pulled out a Scroll and played a little sound clip that perfectly described their reaction,

"BOO! YOU STINK!" The Scroll played out as Noire threw an empty soda can at Yang's head,

"Everyone's a critic." Yang grumbled to herself.

 **Church** : Well, we have to do something.

 **Grif** : Why do people always say that; we have to do something? We don't have to do anything. Let's just let sleeping maniacs lie.

"Well, if you don't do anything people are going to get hurt." Blake answered, "After all, doing nothing can do more harm than doing something."

 **Church** : Here, let me try this.

_Church leaves his body to become Ghost Church again, and enters Tex (bow chicka bow wow)._

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ " Noire quickly added.

*BZZZT!*

" _I am so glad I don't have that second shock collar._ " Noire groaned as she slowly stood up,

"You're welcome." Ruby said happily,

" _Oh, shut up bit-_ " Noire was interrupted by Ruby punching her in the face and back into the ground,

"Sorry, my finger slipped." Bitch Ruby 'apologized' with a sickly sweet smile,

" _One of these days, one of these days._ "

_Cut to her lockdown environment, where Church is oddly still blue._

"Well, back into Recovery Mode." Blake said.

 **Church** : Tex? Tex, hello? Can you hear me?

 **Tex** : Of course I can hear you. What do you want?

"Whoa, I know she might be cranky from being waken up from her nap but you'd think beating up the Reds & Tucker would calm her down a little." Yang muttered,

"She must be on her period." Weiss joked.

 **Church** : What do you mean 'what do I want?' The guys just wanna make sure you're not gonna, you know, beat the living shit out of them if we wake you up.

 **Tex** : Aww, what're they gonna do, cry?

"Yes." Blake answered flatly, "They will cry, as well flail around, crawl into fetal positions and hope to God that they have their balls intact."

'Especially Grif on that last part." Ruby added, "As well as the part before that. …And the part before that."

 **Church** : What's wrong with you? And why did you go nuts when we woke you up?

 **Tex** : Last time I was in a place like this, I was trying to get out as fast as I could.

" _Um, why would Tex run away from the facility_?" Noire asked, genuinely not knowing why Tex would escape,

 **Church** : Yeah, I remember.

 **Tex** : They just got in my way. It's not my fault they can't fight.

"Actually, it kinda is…" Ruby pointed out, "Well, indirectly. I guess. You have to blame the Director for letting these guys into the army."

"He's still out there." Blake reminded everyone, "After this situation, they may as well take down the Director. Finish what Washington started."

"I'm sure the Chairman will take care of that if Epsilon gets turned in." Weiss said as she frowned, "But the Reds and Blues aren't gonna let him anywhere near him."

" _You do realize that if one side gets their way, the other side gets away with it_." Noire pointed out, " _Either Washington and the Meta or the Director pay for their crimes. No matter what, it really depends on who Epsilon is with and what they do with him at the end._ "

 **Church** : Okay so is that, 'I won't beat the living shit out of them anymore?'

 **Tex** : We'll see.

"Meh, close enough." Ruby said as she shrugged, "Make sure you have ambulances on stand-by in case of crude and unusual castration."

 **Church** : I guess that'll have to do.

 **Tex** : But, I am, gonna deck that one with the sword for making that stupid ex-wife crack.

"That is perfectly acceptable." Weiss said as she smiled a little.

 **Church** : Alright, that seems fair. So, we're, cool?

 **Tex** : Well, I'm cool.

 **Church** : Nice to have you back Tex. Always a pleasure.

"Yeah, welcome back Tex. Good to see you're the same badass bitch we all know and love." Yang said with a grin, "Some more recently than others."

 **Tex** : Hey, I didn't ask to come back. Apparently somebody decided they couldn't live without me.

"Well, you are the only one he really loves." Blake stated, "He'd probably go to the ends of the world just to see your gravestone."

" _Creepy, maybe borderline disturbing, but romantic_." Noire commented.

 **Church** : I thought you would be happy, you know, being alive is typically better than being dead.

 **Tex** : Yeah. Everybody always seems to know what's best for Tex!

 **Church** : So this is it, you're just going to be abrasive right outta the gate? Not even a 'thank you'?

"…You do remember in your A.I brain who you're talking to, right?" Yang asked rhetorically, "Or the relationship between you two, which is barely what a normal person would call a relationship?"

"Yeah, he isn't exactly letting go." Weiss deadpanned.

 **Tex** : Oh I see, we're gonna make this about you for a change. How refreshing.

 **Church** : Alright. I'm gonna go now. Nice talking to ya.

 **Tex** : Hyeah, see ya.

"You know, Jenny Singer would have a field day with those two." Yang noted, "Plus, the fights would be awesome!"

"I heard about Jenny Singer." Blake spoke up, "She was a professional MMA fighter before she got that that show, wasn't she?" Yang nodded happily as she remembered one episode where Jenny pretzelled that one guy that called her a whore, and then beat up the couple because they called her useless. That was such a great lesson in anger management.

_Church returns to the real world_

**Tucker** : What did she say?

 **Church** : Okay, I think we got it all worked out.

" _You may wanna start regretting that wife joke soon, though_." Noire added in, waiting for the moment Tex punches him.

 **Grif** : She cool?

 **Church** : As cool as she ever was.

 **Grif** : That does not inspire confidence in me.

"Considering you guys kinda suck, it's a given." Ruby said.

 **Church** : Wake her up Sheila.

 **F.I.L.S.S** : Affirmative.

 **Simmons** : Back up, back up.

"Just in case she decides to introduce them to her morning stretches." Blake muttered.

_The Reds start backing away_

**F.I.L.S.S** : Ending Recovery mode, [All Units].

_Tex gets up_

"And now, officially, welcome back Agent Texas." Blake greeted.

 **Tex** : Uh!

 **Church** : Uh, how're you feeling?

_Tex runs over and punches Tucker in the front of his face_

The girls couldn't help but laugh at that, "That's what you get asshole! That's what you get!" Weiss exclaimed between laughs.

 **Tucker** : Ow!

 **Tex** : Better now.

 **Tucker** : What the fuck?

 **Church** : Oh right. I forgot to mention one thing.

" _Huh_." Noire said after they all calmed down, " _That's odd._ "

"What?" Blake asked,

" _I think part of the DVD is corrupted._ " Noire answered as she took out the DVD from the DVD Player and tried to find a scratch or some dirt, " _I think it just skipped over a part._ "

"How would you know?" Yang asked with a raised eyebrow,

" _It glitched out a little before the episode ended._ " Noire sighed as she put the DVD back into the Player. She noted that she saw a flash of pink in glitchy part of the episode but didn't make much of it, " _Whatever. It was probably another sponsor cut._ "

"A sponsor what?" Blake said incredulously,

" _A sponsor only thing that only those who support the guys who created RvB can see. Most of it isn't something to cry about so you shouldn't really worry about it. Like how those Reds at O'Malley's old base died. Actually, sponsors get other bonuses like being able to see an episode early or something like that._ "

"I wouldn't mind doing that." Weiss admitted, "I get stuff earlier than everyone else."

"Yeah, but it'll be on public domain one hour after." Ruby pointed out, "But still, I wonder what glitched out."

"Probably nothing important." Yang said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(For Those of You Just Joining Us)**

_Fade in to the sky, before panning down to Doc in Valhalla, and radio sounds_

**Doc:**  Come in Command. Come in Command, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have arrived at Freelancer Program Simulation Outpost Seventeen. Command? Come in? Come in, this is Medical Officer Dufresne. I have reached FPS Outpost 17.

"Daw, FUCK!" Yang shouted out as she quickly skipped all the episodes they already saw before finally making it to where they were before.

**(Check Your Local Listings)**

_Fade in to Tex and Simmons talking to F.I.L.S.S. Church is also nearby_

**Tex:**  And these are accurate. All of 'em.

"You overshot it!" Ruby yelled out before grabbing the remote and rewinding before they were spoiled, "And… now!"

**(Why Are We Here?)**

_Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange._

**Simmons** : Hey.

 **Grif** : Yeah?

_Cut to Simmons (maroon armor)._

**Simmons** : You ever wonder why we're here?

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ABLE TO REWIND THAT FAR!?" Weiss shouted at two sisters while Blake grabbed the remote, went back to the episode where they were supposed to be and pressed play.

**(Reconfiguration)**

_Fade in to Doc, Wash and the Meta standing over the modified Epsilon unit, which is now olive green_

"Finally!" Weiss sighed in relief as everyone sat back on the couch and relaxed, "Now! Hey, they converted the Epsilon Unit."

" _Thank you for stating the obvious_." Noire muttered.

 **Washington:**  Great, he's done.

 **Doc:**  Why is it sparking like that?

 **Washington:** This thing's been through a lot, it's pretty badly damaged. But now that it's a capture unit we just need to get it near Epsilon, and we can pull him in.

"What, like a Ghostbusters trap?" Yang asked, "Actually, considering everything that happened before the Recollection, that would make sense."

 **Doc:**  What if it breaks?

 **Washington:**  Don't worry, it'll hold until we get him. After that, it doesn't matter. It can short out for all I care.

"But that would mean Epsilon would be trapped in the unit, or worse!" Ruby realized before growling, "You know what, I don't care if the Director gets away with his crimes, as long as you die I'll be satisfied."

 **Doc:** Then what's the point of all this?

 **Washington:** I just have to deliver Epsilon to the Chairman. I don't have to guarantee what condition, I deliver him in. He's just evidence anyway.

"Hey, Church is more than evidence, Washington." Blake muttered, "He's actually a person. Actually, more of a person you are right now."

 **Washington:** Meta, grab him. Doc, get ready to move.

 **Doc:** Move, move where? We don't know where they are.

 **Washington:**  We know they're not here. So gather your gear, and get ready to move out.

"You know they're never going to find them unless they have a trail." Weiss pointed out, "The Reds & Blues and pretty much hidden until they move out."

" _So_ ,  _unless they have the luck of a God, they aren't finding Epsilon any time soon_." Noire said.

 **Doc:** Well can we track them?

 **Washington:** Track them?

"…Doc does realize they are in the middle of the desert." Blake deadpanned, "You know, where it's common for people to walk in circles and die?"

 **Doc:** You know, pick up a trail, like footprints.

 **Washington** (& Weiss) **:**  Footprints. In the desert.

Weiss started the growl as her teammates started shifting away.

 **Doc:**  Kh, don't special agents have the ability to track their targets through any kind of terrain? Follow broken tree branches-

 **Washington** (& Weiss) **:** Tree branches. In the desert.

"Back up, back up, back up!" Ruby said through gritted teeth as they saw armour forming around the Heiress as she developed a twitch in her eye.

 **Doc:**  Okay these are bad examples. Maybe heat signatures.

"Heat signatures." Weiss said slowly, hoping this time she would repeat Wash's words.

 **Washington:**  In the desert.

"Oh thank God." Weiss breathed a sigh of relief,

"Aw… you're finishing his sentences." Yang cooed, "That's cute." By the time she noticed her teammates were already getting the Hell away from her, she was buried under 12 tons of snow… and blasted through several walls… and landed in Forever Fall. Once Yang returned and Weiss calmed down, they continued the episode.

 **Doc:** Like exhaust trails? I dunno.

 **Washington:**  Tell you what. Why don't you just stick to not understanding medicine? Don't feel the need to expand your sphere of ignorance.

 **Doc:**  Fine, jeez, I'm just trying to help.

" _Despite practically holding him hostage and insulting him at every word, at least he's trying to make the best of his situation_." Noire said.

_Doc wanders off_

**Meta:**  ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:**  Him? Ah, he's always whining about something.

"Dude, he has plenty to whine about so you can't really blame him." Blake said.

 **Washington:** ( _under his breath_ ) Hey Meta, is there any way we could track the Reds by trying to pick up a trail, like a uh, heat signature- or something?

"REALLY!?" The girls shouted out,

"Welp, I know who's winning the Hypocrite award this year." Yang stated as she rolled her eyes,

"They're still not gonna find them." Weiss pointed out, "They're still in the desert and Church is long gone."

 **Meta:**  ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:**  Yes. I know we're in the desert.

"It has been established, Meta." Ruby added in, "You don't need to remind him."

_Cut to the facility with Church and Tex_

**Church:**  So you back up to a hundred percent yet?

 **Tex:**  Yeah. And whatever I didn't learn from Caboose I've been able to pick up from the rest of the guys. Didn't take long.

"Yeah… they probably did nothing after Tex's… last death and really only started doing stuff again when the Meta showed up." Blake said, forgetting how times Tex has died at this point.

 **Church:** Yeah we really don't seem to do much.

 **Tex:** Maybe you should get a hobby. Like knitting.

" _Or, you know, actually quit the army_." Noire suggested, " _Because whatever the Hell Project Freelancer is now and the whole concept of Simulation Troopers is messed up and wrong._ "

"So… video games?" Yang suggested,

" _Meh, good enough_."

 **Church:**  We'll look into it.

 **Tex:** Hey, how did you know how to bring me back?

 **Church:** Honestly I didn't have much choice. I couldn't get you outta my head so I kind of, had to, get you, outta my head.

"Wait, so Tex's  _body_ was in that cryo tube, but Tex herself was in Church's head." Delta Ruby simplified, "Huh, no wonder! That would explain why he was so Hell bent on getting to the facility. He couldn't get her out of his head, he couldn't handle the memories of Tex, so he literally got her out of his head."

"Well, that proves Tex is an A.I. Plus, that also explains Deltas message." Weiss pointed out.

 **Tex:**  Wow, how emo. Maybe you can blog about it.

 **Church:**  Hey, you asked.

 **Tex:**  When I was beatin' the hell out of the Reds, the alarm said it was 'Level Alpha.' Do you know why?

"Not sure." Blake muttered, "Maybe it's related to the Alpha, or that Tex is top priority to the Director."

" _Still, I wonder what makes Tex so special_. _Apart from being one of the Director's experiments because right now they're kinda useless._ " Noire wondered out loud.

 **Church:** You know I didn't think about that, no.

 **Tex:**  Then I want you to have Sheila give me access to the files here.

"Wait, they have files?" Weiss said incredulously, "Meaning… it has a database relating to everything Project Freelancer."

"Including the Reds and Blues." Yang finished off, "Holy shit, the Reds can input the Blues back into the database."

"Which is practically meaningless." Ruby pointed out.

 **Church:**  Why?

 **Tex:**  Because I'm gonna figure out exactly what they did to me here. I need to know who I am.

 **Church:**  I know who you are. You're my girlfriend.

"Aw…" The RWBYs and Noire cooed,

"How romantic, cheesy and utterly untrue that is." Blake stated, "Still, nice to see this Church is considerably nicer than the Alpha Church."

" _And in exchange a meaner, slightly scarier, bit-more-of-a-bitch Tex_." Noire said.

 **Tex:**  Whell, that's probably the most underwhelming description of all time.

 **Church:**  Hey. Lots of ladies would be happy to be my girlfriend.

"Like Weis-" Yang started, before everyone except Weiss covering her mouth. They didn't want Vytal to experience an eternal ice age after all.

 **Tex:** What other women do you even know?

 **Church:**  Um, eyeuh, well there's uh, duhh, that's a-uh, Grif had a sister, she seemed to like me.

"Dude, that is not an achievement." Weiss stated, "That is a un-achievement. You get slapped in the face instead of getting a participation ribbon if it was a competition." The girls laughed a little at the statement.

 **Tex:**  I wouldn't be too proud of that. She was pretty easy.

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_." Both perverted girls quickly say before high-fiving, causing everyone around them to sigh.

_Tucker suddenly runs in_

**Tucker:**  How do you know she was easy, Tex? You know what, never mind, don't tell me. It's better in my head.

There was utter silence in the room as they all stared at the screen in disbelief, "H-He didn't say it." Blake said after a while, "He didn't fucking say it. It was wide open!"

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

"Yeah, he didn't take the chance and he blew it hard!" Weiss exclaimed,

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

"Seriously, I saw that a mile away! God, he sucks ass." Yang grumbled,

" _Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

"Seriously, he was perfect. He stood there between them. They were hot and sweaty and… you know what, fuck it." Ruby said as she sighed,

" _Meow Chicka Meow… yeah, fuck it._ " Noire said as everyone shook their heads in disappointment at the missed opportunity, " _Huh, that's… unusual._ "

"What?" Weiss asked,

" _Well…_ " Noire started but she shook her head, " _N-N-Nothing. It's nothing._ " Weiss raised an eyebrow but didn't push further.

 **Church:**  Where did you even come from?

 **Tucker:** I'm always close by.

 **Tex:**  Hey, can I kill him?

"No." The RWBYs and Noire said in unison,

"We already lost too many." Yang added in as everyone sighed sadly.

 **Church:**  You can hurt him. Kill him later.

 **Tex:** Hm. That actually sounds more fun.

"So we have a masochist  _and_ a sadist, no wonder they're perfect for each other." Ruby said before Perverted Ruby took over and started imagining all the BDSM situations in her head. Though, with Church and Tex still in their armour, let's just say it was sexier in her head.

 **Tucker:** Man, I thought the old Church was whipped but, you're really taking it to a whole new level.

_Tucker wanders off again_

**Tex:** Why do you even put up with him?

"Well because…" Weiss started before she paused to think, "He's just kinda there. That's the best answer I could come up with."

 **Church:**  It's not so bad, I mean I admit sometimes it gets pretty hard and I, really don't know how to handle it.

 **Tucker:**  Aaand, now I'm back.

" _SAY IT YOU FUCKTARD_!" Noire yelled out, freaking the girls out, " _Also, Meow Chicka Meow Meow._ "

_Cut to the Reds watching Church and Tex through a fence_

**Church:**  Come on, let's get in there.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, this is our chance. Get in the computer and start entering the Blues back in the database.

"Well, at least getting the Blues back into the database will reveal something." Blake said as she leaned forward, "Anything would be useful at this point."

 **Simmons:** Yes Sir. Come on Grif, I need your help.

"Yeah, don't you remember Grif's first attempt to help when deleting the Blues?" Weiss said as she shook her head, "Because I'm sure he'll contribute the same amount of help if you let him."

 **Grif:**  My help? With a computer? Simmons, you must have me confused with someone who, can help, you, with the computer.

 **Sarge:** Kinda lost your train of thought on that one.

 **Grif:** Yeah, a little bit.

The girls face palmed at that moment of stupidity, "I bet they're gonna delete Reds. I swear they're gonna delete the Reds instead." Yang mumbled to herself.

 **Simmons:**  Following the Blues is one thing. If I'm entering all these names and records, I need someone to hold up the papers for me.

 **Grif:** Uh, sorry dude, paper holder's not in my job description.

"Oh please, even if it was you would, no,  _will_  find some way to avoid it at all costs." Weiss scoffed.

 **Simmons:** No, but I'm gonna be working in the personnel files. So I can  _add_  it to your job description. In fact, I can make your job whatever I want. How does "Chief Executive Butt Taster" sound?

The RWBYs turned to look at Noire, "… _What_?" Noire asked, somewhat creeped out by their looks. All they did was just continue to stare, which started to annoy her, " _If you're all expecting a joke from that line, forget it_.  _I'm a pervert, not some lame… joke… teller… person._ "

"You just lost your train of thought, didn't you?" Blake deadpanned,

" _Yeah, a little bit_." The RWBYs could only sigh in response.

 **Grif:** You can't do that.

 **Simmons:** I can't? I thought you didn't understand how computers work. In fact while I'm in there, why don't I just make you a woman? It's just a checkbox, and we could always use a little more diversity in our team. I know Tucker will be happy.

"Do you think Grif is dumb enough to fall for that bluff?" Yang asked,

"Well if it was anyone else on Remnant or whatever world the Reds and Blues are in, I'd say no, but considering who we're talking about is a Blood Gulcher…" Ruby murmured,

"I guess there's only one way to find out." Blake said as they focused back on the episode.

 **Grif:**  Phph, make me a woman. Yeah right. Like changing a form would actually turn me into a woman. I mean that's just... How stupid does he think I... I- I- I better go help him.

 **Sarge:** Good call, numbnuts.

"Welp, that answers that question." Weiss said as everyone face palmed,

' _Thank you Warlord-Xana for the joke._ ' Noire thought.

_Cut to Doc approaching Wash and the Meta from behind_

**Meta:** ( _growls_ )

 **Washington:**  That's great. You picked up a trail? Really?

"Wait, they actually figured out how to track them? IN A DESERT!?" Yang exclaimed, "How the fuck did they do that!?"

"Alright, what bullshit did they have?" Blake said as she leaned in.

 **Doc:**  Hi guys, what's up?

 **Washington:** Oh, uh, Meta here was able to pick up a faint trail of the Reds based on gas spectrometry and uh uhum... resident heat signatures.

"Heat signatures. In the desert." The RWBYs and Noire said incredulously,

"…How the fuck is that even possible?" Yang asked as she rubbed her forehead,

"I'm just gonna assume that it's magic, and leave it at that." Weiss said as everyone just sighed.

 **Doc:**  What I, thought you said you couldn't do that.

 **Washington:** I didn't say we couldn't do that, I said you are an idiot. Those are two different discussions.

 **Doc:**  I want credit for the idea.

"At least pay him a couple of bucks." Ruby said as she leaned back, "Royalties bitch."

 **Washington:** Doc, just let us do our job. You do your job. Anything, medical to report?

 **Doc:**  No, the dead aliens are still dead. Also still aliens, but that's, less significant.

" _Can someone remind me why they dragged Doc along_?" Noire asked, but didn't receive an answer.

 **Washington:** Wonderful.

 **Doc:** Yeah, one other thing, you know that Stockholm Syndrome where prisoners start to like and identify with their captors after being held hostage for long enough?

 **Washington:** What about it?

 **Doc:** No one has that yet.

"Pretty sure you have… maybe." Ruby stated as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Washington:**  The feeling is mutual.

"No more bullshit, let's just get on with the next episode." Weiss said as picked up the remote, hoped to God whatever physics breaking bullshit that occurred before didn't happen, and pressed play.

**(Check Your Local Listings)**

_Fade in to Tex and Simmons talking to F.I.L.S.S. Church is also nearby_

**Tex:**  And these are accurate. All of 'em.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  As far as I can tell.

"Okay, what did Tex find?" Blake muttered as she narrowed her eyes.

 **Church:**  How's it going in here?

 **Simmons:** Well, I'm helping her access all this data, and she's not constantly pounding me in the face so, I would say that's good. Weh, it's a start at least.

 **Tex:** Hey, come over here, take a look at these. Sheila's giving us a hard time, but we're gettin' through. She only seems to want to listen to you.

"Well, Shelia does think Church is the Director. I guess she was programmed only to respond to him and him alone." Ruby said.

 **Church:**  Sheila keeps calling me Director, maybe that has something to do with it.

 **Tex:** The Director... mm, there's almost no information on him. I asked Sheila but-

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I am sorry, but access to the Director's personnel file is restricted.

"So what? You can just have Church unlock it for you." Weiss pointed out,

" _Then again_ ,  _there has to be some sort of password or won't allow Church to see them unless he's alone_." Noire guessed, " _Plus, there might be nothing important in there anyway. The facility has been pretty much abandoned and I'm sure the Director hasn't updated his profile in a long time_."

 **Tex:**  Yes Sheila, we know. You don't have to keep repeating it.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  I am just doing my job.

 **Tex:** Can't you mute her?

"Don't you fucking dare." Yang growled,

"You do realize she isn't in a vehicle… or the original Shelia." Blake pointed out,

"Don't care. Close enough."

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Don't even think about it buster.

 **Simmons:**  Uhh, I really don't like it when girls pay direct attention to me.

The girls looked at each other before looking back at the screen, "May as well be pissing your cod plate." Ruby said as she stretched her arms.

 **Church:** Well, what did you find in the files?

 **Tex:** Not much, standard clerical info. Whole bunch of win/loss statistics. Psych profiles.

 **Church:**  Psych profile?

"Probably just to make sure everyone's sane or has an average IQ to ensure the safety of the Project." Weiss said, "…Kinda dropped the ball on that one. Don't really know about win/loss stats though. Maybe Freelancer just getting facts."

 **Tex:** Yeah, they have one on everybody. Except the Director and...

 **Church:**  Let me guess. And you.

 **Tex:**  And  _us_. No Church either.

" _Well, considering the Alpha was a based off the Director and whole thing about hiding Church, it's not surprising_." Noire stated, " _Then again, it could be just the fact that the Reds deleted the Blues._ "

"I don't think Project Freelancer would consider Church a Blue." Yang said as she sighed.

 **Tex:** Everyone else is in there though. Full profile.

"Except the Blues." The RWBYs and Noire said in unison,

"Unless it's a copy or a back-up or some shit like that." Ruby added in.

 **Simmons:** Washington used to wet the bed. Hhhmhh, I'm gonna go tell the other guys.

The girl giggled before rubbing their hands together, 'Blackmail~' They all sang out in their minds.

 **Church:**  So, no new info? Wild goose chase again?

 **Tex:**  Maybe, maybe not. Look at this picture, do you have any idea what this is?

 **Church:**  What is that, ice? Yoh yeah. I know that place that's a uh, secure location like um, like a safe house. Wait, how do I know that?

"How would one not know how they know something?" Yang questioned, "Because like hell I'll ever understand that."

"That's because Epsilon is remembering." Blake replied, "He's the memory of the Alpha, remember? Alpha-Church probably ran the entire Project so he would probably know about safe houses and other locations."

"Meaning, evidence for the Chairman." Weiss realized, "Washington gets Epsilon and it's practically game over for the Director. He won't have any place to hide."

"But that means Washington goes free." Ruby stated, "Look, I understand why he's doing it, but the way he does it is what ticks me off. He could've gone through this whole thing a lot faster and with no blood spilled if he just asked Caboose for Epsilon! He has to realize that the Reds and Blues aren't exactly soldiers. They're people, people just stuck in the middle of something they want nothing in."

" _Maybe he's had enough of being the good guy_." Noire guessed, " _What matters is this: What happens to Epsilon and who does he go with._ "

"Yeah, it's been said, like, a couple of times already." Blake deadpanned.

 **Tex:** You know it because it's a Freelancer base. And it's not far from here.

"Wait, why did Tex ask him about it when she knew already?" Yang asked,

"She was probably testing his memory, to see if he's remembering important information." Ruby answered.

 **Church:** If you already know what it is, why the hell are ya asking me?

 **Tex:**  Because, I'm not interested in what I know, I'm interested in what you know.

 **Church:**  What is that, fucking wisdom? Listen next time you wanna ask me a God damn question just ask it, don't beat around the bush.

"Yeah, we had enough with cryptic bullshit for one series." Weiss groaned.

 **Tex:** I couldn't take the risk. You might have just told me what I wanted to hear. You are completely fucking whipped.

 **Tucker:**  Told you so!

" _I wonder if there's a Ninjas of Love book about a sadist and a masochist_." Noire muttered to herself,

"Volume 3." Blake quickly said with a blush,

' _Coming out soon_.' Noire thought before winking and sighing, ' _Ugh… here comes more memory relapses_.'

 **Tex:** I'm gonna go see what weapons they have stored here.

_Tex leaves_

**Church:**  Okay. Need any help?

"I'm sure she'll be fine." Ruby said as she crossed her arms, "She isn't Caboose. Or you. Or Tucker. Actually, basically any Blood Gulch Red or Blue."

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Director.

 **Church:**  Huh? What?

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Before you leave, would you like to make a journal entry? It has been quite a while since your last update.

"Wait, 'journal entry'?" Weiss repeated before her eyes widened in realization, "Hey, this might be a chance to learn more about the Director."

"Well, maybe not the Director but more about what he's working on." Blake said. Everyone leaned in, wanting more information on Project Freelancer.

 **Church:** Journal?

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Yes. I know you are busy, but you always ask me to remind you when you are falling behind on documentation. Documentation is an important part of any scientific endeavour.

 **Church:**  Right, um... hey why don't you play one of the entries for me?

"It better be good." Ruby muttered.

 **F.I.L.S.S:** Certainly.

_F.I.L.S.S. plays a journal entry._

**Director:** ( _journal entry_ ) The Counselor's insistence on referring to Agent Texas as a byproduct continues to frustrate me. We have seen our share of un-harvestable fragments. She is certainly not one of them. No indeed, she's something else entirely.

"Hm. He's talking about Tex." Yang said, "But, what does the Director mean by the Counselor calling Tex a byproduct. She was one of the Freelancer A.I right? A fragment?"

" _I don't know_." Noire replied as she looked down in thought, " _Tex probably isn't a fragment, I can tell you that_.  _But, you can't call her an A.I considering Freelancer could only get one of them. Whatever Tex is, she's certainly a mystery_."

 **Church:** Sheila, I want you to transfer all these files to me.

"I guess Church wants to know who Tex really is too." Weiss stated, "Let's just hope it won't cause some painful memories to resurface."

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Understood. Transferring now.

 **Church:**  And do me a favor: delete the rest.

"And I guess he doesn't want anyone else knowing." Ruby added in.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Deleting entries.

_Church leaves. Cut to Sarge spying on him, and Grif is there as well_

**Sarge:**  Hmm, what're those Blues up to?

"Nothing, just doing more important stuff than what you guys are doing." Blake answered.

_Church walks up the ramp past them_

**Grif:** Probably the same thing they're always up to? Looking at us and going "Hmm, I wonder what those Reds are up to."

"Dude, they're not up to anything and it's not the entire team." Yang pointed out, "Actually, I think they've just given up on defeating the Reds or the entire 'war'. Church is just trying to help Tex, Tucker isn't technically part of the Blues anymore thanks to his actual soldier status and Caboose considers everyone around him friends except Tucker. Really, the only one fighting is Sarge. Grif and Simmons are just following his orders because they have to. Reluctantly."

" _Yeah, the title of the show has kinda become a sort of an artifact_." Noire said, " _There's no Red vs Blue, just… Freelancers_."

 **Church:** Hey Grif.

 **Grif:** Hey man, what's up.

"Nothing important, just a bunch of boring stuff." Yang said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge:** Grif, where's Simmons?

 **Grif:**  He's messing around with some storage boxes. Trying to inventory 'em, see if we need anything. Nerd stuff.

 **Sarge:**  That's resourceful. Why aren't you helping him?

"…It's Grif." The girls answered in a flat tone,

" _You_   _don't need more of an answer than that_." Noire added in.

 **Grif:**  I am helping him.

 **Sarge:** How are you helping him standing right here?

"By not doing anything to annoy Simmons and prevent him from doing something productive." Blake answered.

 **Grif:** Oh, I'm on break. Fifteen minutes.

 **Sarge:**  You're always on break.

 **Grif:**  Hey, if you don't use it, you lose it. Speaking of which, I'm also on Simmons' break.

"And this is why you were about to be executed by your own team." Weiss deadpanned, "Kinda surprised that hadn't happened until that moment."

 **Sarge:**  You know, I've reached a level where I'm not even disappointed in you.

 **Grif:**  How do you think I feel? I'm spending my break talking about Simmons. *sigh* I'd envisioned so much more.

"There's so much more to the world than sitting on your ass so actually stand up for once and do something!" Yang called out, "Life is short and I'm pretty sure your life is shorter!"

" _I would say something really thought-provoking or dark but right now I'm too depressed to say it_." Noire sighed,

"Wait, you're depressed?" Blake asked, "When did you…"

" _I didn't say depressed._ "

"But you just-"

" _I'm gonna fuck Ruby if you don't ignore me._ "

*BZZZZT!*

 **Sarge:**  Break's over, go see what he's up to.

 **Grif:** Hhhu,  _fine_.

 **Sarge:** Fine what?

"Fine, sir." The RWBYs groaned as they lazily saluted, "Asshole."

 **Grif:**   _Fine_ , Sir.

 **Sarge:**  That's more like it.

_Cut to Church approaching Caboose and Tucker_

**Church:**  Hey, have you guys seen Tex anywhere? Oh, there you are- whoa. What's with the new armor?

_Tex approaches the three with new armor_

" _Um, it doesn't really look that different_." Noire admitted as she narrowed her eyes, " _I think the shoulder pieces are different._ "

"Noire, we're talking after this, alright." Blake said in a stern tone. Noire was going to wave her off but a look from the cat girl gave her no room for denial.

 **Tex:**  I'm leaving Church.

 **Church:** What? Where?

 **Tex:** Can't say, there's some things I need to look into.

"She's going to that frozen base isn't she?" Weiss deadpanned, "She probably doesn't even know what she's looking for is even there! Why even announce it anyway? The Reds and Blues aren't going to come after what she did to them."

"I guess it was more towards Church than anyone else." Ruby guessed.

 **Church:**  You're going to that frozen base, aren't you?

 **Tex:**  I need to know more about myself Church. And I'm not gonna find anything out by sitting around on my ass with all of you.

"You're Tex. Nothing more, nothing less." Yang stated, "What you're looking for is only going to get you into trouble. The Project is finished Tex. Just let go."

"I guess she didn't get the memo." Ruby said as she leaned back, 'Please, don't die this time.' Ruby thought, tears threatening overflow, 'Just stay safe.' All her personalities prayed.

 **Church:** Well, let us come with you.

 **Tex:** You guys? This is a military operation. I need people with military training.

 **Grif:** We have military training.

"You do? Because I definitely don't see it." Blake deadpanned, "He probably didn't even make it through basic training."

" _Then how did he make it into the Reds_?" Noire asked,

"Desperate times call for desperate measures, and war is one of the most desperate of times." Blake quoted from one of her books, "And war, war never changes."

"And we know how people react to change." Weiss muttered.

 **Tex:**  Um, I need people who  _understand_  the military training.

 **Grif:** Wow, look who's getting picky.

 **Tucker:** Yeah, beggars can't be choosers.

"Plus, it's better to have some sort of support. Sure, you may be skilled and kick ass but the last Tex got killed by a grenade, beaten by an alien and generally getting killed by people with lower skill than you. All of them when you faced problems alone." Ruby pointed out before looking at her team, "That's why you have comrades behind you. To catch you when you fall. Or else you're setting yourself up for failure."

 **Tex:** No offense, but you guys just end up slowing me down half the time, or... more than half the time. All the time is more than half the time, right?

"Yes." The RWBYs and Noire answered in unison,

"You don't have to remind them." Blake said, "Everyone knows they suck, even them."

 **Grif:**  You know what fuck it, why are we even arguing about this. We don't wanna go anyway.

 **Tucker:** Yeah, good luck on your mission to the empty base guarded by tons of real military dudes who're all looking for you anyway.

 **Grif:** Yeah, hope you find your empty base and your files full of nothing.

"Yeah, even though it would be the right thing to help her, it doesn't concern them in the slightest and they're basically risking their lives for absolutely no gain." Weiss said as she shook her head.

 **Church:** Well I'm going, and I'm not gonna let you stop me.

 **Tex:**  Yeah? Okay. I have a feeling I could use you before this is done.

"She's planning something, isn't she?" Ruby said as she narrowed her eyes, "I don't know what she's going to do, but I definitely know I won't like this."

 **Tucker:** Oh, and when you both get killed again, be sure to let us know. That way we can revive you, so that you can run off and get killed. Again. Seriously, it never gets old to us.

" _Yeah, they've died so many times and been revived that it's not even funny_." Noire muttered.

_Cut to Grif approaching Simmons, who's staring at some metal objects on a pallet_

"Huh, I wonder what Simmons is doing." Yang thought out loud.

 **Grif:** Yo.

 **Simmons:** Very interesting.

 **Grif:** Sarge wants to know what you're doin' over here dipshit. I added the dipshit.

"Whatever dipshit." Blake whispered to herself.

 **Simmons:** I think I found where the Freelancers stored some of their equipment for their armor.

 **Grif:** Okay okay, stop. I'll just tell Sarge Simmons is doing something seriously fucking boring. Thanks.

"No, that doesn't sound boring." Ruby said as she leaned forward, "It's stuff like super strength and invisibility, right?"

"Possibly." Weiss replied.

 **Simmons:** The Freelancers all had A.I. and a special power, right? This is the equipment that let them do that.

 **Grif:**  Oh cool, like the invisibility and super strength and stuff?

 **Simmons:** Yeah, we can just hook them up to our armor and activate 'em.

" _Um, wouldn't that be a bad idea_?" Noire pointed out, " _You know, with the whole Meta thing and how most people with equipment end up dead or insane. Or the fact that they don't have an A.I to help them run the equipment._ "

"Yeah, they really need to learn that anything involving Freelancer and A.I usually ends with them risking their lives." Blake said.

 **Grif:** And, they would work?

 **Simmons:**  Well they need an A.I. to help them run exactly right, but they have to help in some way.

"Yeah, it might but it's not worth the various risks." Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:** Would they even work when we're, asleep?

 **Simmons:**  I guess so. Why? Wait, you wanna turn invisible and take a nap, don't you.

"Again, this is why you were about to be executed by your own team." Weiss deadpanned,

"Although, it is tempting." Yang admitted, "Then I get to sleep through Prof. Port's classes without him find me!"

"That would also mean you'll be considered skipping class." Blake pointed out,

"And you don't have the best of grades." Ruby added in, "And thanks to Delta Ruby, I think my grades are going to get better."

'I'm not helping you cheat.' Delta Ruby said outright, 'You have to learn on your own and use your own head. By the way, I only know what you know.'

"Aw man." Ruby muttered as she slumped forward.

 **Grif:** Think about it Simmons, the ability to nap whenever I want, and Sarge can never find me. Invisible nap is the best nap of all time.

 **Simmons:** No man should have that kind of power.

Everyone had to admit that Simmons was right. If people had that power then nothing would get done and then the Grimm would break through their defenses and absolutely destroy them all. They were glad they didn't have that type of technology available to the public.

 **Grif:** I would be completely unstoppable.

 **Simmons:**  Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that.

 **Grif:** Totally stoppable. Already stopped. Think about it Simmons.

"Please don't." Yang groaned.

 **Simmons:** I really don't want to.

 **Grif:**  Think about it.

 **Simmons:**  No.

 **Grif:**  Are you thinking about it?

 **Simmons:**  Unfortunately, yes, I am.

Everyone face palmed at that, "It's gonna go wrong. I bet my life on it." Blake sighed.

 **Grif:**  Then suit me up.

"And… done!" Ruby announced as she turned off the TV, "Well, there's only 5 episodes left until the end of the season and then after that we can leave. Everyone feeling better?"

"Yeah, but hell, she did a number to us." Yang groaned. While everyone's wounds have healed thanks to their Auras, they were still rather sore and didn't want to take the Bullhead in their current state, "Ugh, have I mention she hits like a truck?"

"Pretty damn fast too." Blake muttered, "Like, insanely fast."

"Well, whoever this person is, we have to be ready next time." Weiss said, "After this we're all going to train for the rest of the summer."

"Hey, when did you become leader?" Yang growled, "We have the school we are in now to train. I just wanna enjoy the rest of my summer."

"It's important we prepare for this ghost! How can we trust her after all that!?"

"We'll probably never meet her again!"

"How do you know!?"

"Because FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK YOU!" The two continued to argue for a while, giving Blake a chance to talk to her 'twin',

"Noire, we should talk ab-"

"She left a while ago." Ruby interrupted her teammate, "She said not to find her. At least, not yet."

"Well, I'm going to find her." Blake said as she stood up, "C'mon, let's go see what's wrong with Noire." Ruby was somewhat hesitant considering that her partner and half-sister were still fighting but decided to let them sort it out. Just in case the ghost came back, she grabbed Crescent Rose and gave Blake Gambol Shroud before leaving the dorm,

'Please don't do something stupid Noire.' Blake thought.

(Roof of Beacon)

" _So_ …  _I guess this is it_." Noire whispered to herself as she looked over the entire school. She looked at the gun the ghost gave Ruby and twirled it around with great skill, " _This is going to be the end of my story._ "

"It doesn't have to be." A voice from behind her said. Noire turned around and saw who said it and glared at the person,

" _You have a lot of explaining to do…_ " Noire growled as she stepped forward, "…Hero."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	68. Season Finale-The End of My Story (Standardized Testing, Tenth Percentile, Rally Cap, Reunion, n+1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue and shit come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

** **

The two people in black stared at each other, both not even daring to make a move. The wind was blowing, yet they did not react to its presence. Noire tried to figure out what to do, creating plans in her head while studying her opponents, quickly discarding these plans as soon as new variables came to light. The figure in the black cloak decided it was time to break the silence, “Um, what? What do you mean by ‘Hero’?” A clearly feminine voice asked the perverted cat girl,

“ _Oh, wait, you’re-_ “ This took Noire by surprised as she suffered a small headache, “ _Oh, fuck_. _Wait, did this-fuck, stupid fucking computer deleting everything._ ”

“What?”

“ _Nothing_! _Just, sorry, I thought you were someone else._ ”

“Whatever, all I’m trying to say is that your story isn’t over. Not in the slightest Noire.”

“ _Alright, how to do know my name_?” Noire asked as she pointed the magnum at the woman in the black cloak. The woman stepped forward only to be reminded of the gun, “ _Don’t move a muscle or I’m ending you right here, right now._ ”

“Look,” The woman in the black cloak started as she slowly walked forward with her hands up, “I-“

**_BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!_ **

“AW FUCK!” The woman in black yelled out in pain as she held her bleeding shoulder, “Ah, GOD FUCKING SHIT! YOU HIT A NERVE! YOU HIT A FUCKING NERVE YOU BITCH! FUCKING HELL! SHIT! BALLS!”

“ _Told you not to make a move._ ” Noire said smugly as she blew the smoking gun before frowning, ‘ _Damn it, only one shot left._ ’

“Fucking Hell, I JUST WANTED TO HELP YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” The now very pissed woman shouted out, “You know what, fuck this, time for your punishment.” She said as she cracked her knuckles,

“ _Oh, what are you going to do_? _Bleed all over me_? _Bitch please, it’s not like you’re gonna-what is that_? _Oh dear God, isn’t that… wait, no no no no no no no NO_! _Get away_! _GET AWAY FROM ME_! _Oh God, **NOT AGAIN**_! **_SAVE ME RUBY-SAMA_**!”

(20 seconds later)

“Noire, are you okay-“ Ruby cut herself off as soon as she opened the door to the roof. Ruby and Blake only stared at Noire, who was in the fetal position and looked like she’s seen everything horrible in the universe while also looking like she just had sex for 368 days straight. They honestly had no idea if they should help her because no matter what they did, they knew it would cause pain and pleasure so they decided it was best to leave her alone,

“Um, I think we should leave her alone.” Blake suggested as she slowly closed the door,

“Good idea.” Ruby replied as they walked backwards to the dorm,

“What are we going to tell-WHOA!” Ruby winced as she saw Blake trip and fall down several flights of stairs, while also wondering how Blake out of all people would trip. And by now, she realized she could’ve caught Blake before she hit the ground floor. When she finally got out of her thoughts, Blake had reached the last flight of stairs and landed on her feet, “Oh shit, Blake! Are you alright!?” Blake didn’t respond, instead just fell flat on her face, “Aw, fuck.”

“ _You know_ _I’m gonna kill you_.” Noire said as she stood up while the woman in the black cloak climbed up from the ledge she was hanging off of to hide,

“One, like you can.” The woman in black scoffed, “Two, you wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t SHOT ME!”

“ _I told you not to move_!” Noire retorted before sighing and sitting on the ledge, gun still in her hand, “ _Like it’ll matter anyway._ ”

“You may never know.” The woman in black said in a softer tone as she joined Noire, “It’s a nice day isn’t it?” Noire looked up and saw the bright sun and the cloudless, blue sky,

“ _Yeah, I admit, you’re right. Too bad me and my friends are inside watching RvB._ ”

“You really consider them your friends? From what I’ve seen it doesn’t seem like it.”

“ _Oh, attempted murder AND invasion of privacy. You must tell me more secrets._ ”

“I’ll tell my secrets if you tell yours.”

“ _Nah, my secrets are more important that yours. Fate of the universe and such._ ” Noire said as she sighed, “ _Kinda sucks being a pawn, you know that_?”

“Tell me about it.” The woman in black said, causing Noire’s eyes to widen, “Tell you what, I’ll tell you my secret. No catch.” Before Noire could respond, the woman removed her hood,

“… _Oh_.” Was Noire’s response to the woman’s appearance. On the outside, she remained calm. In her mind, however, she was… not, to say the least, “ _That’s… awkward._ ”

“Whatever.” The woman sighed as she pulled up her hood, hiding her face again, “Only know this, your story isn’t over until you find what you’re looking for.”

“ _What the Hell is that supposed to mean_?” Noire asked as the woman stood up, “ _Ugh, we’ve had enough cryptic bullshit with Red vs Blue, would you mind laying off of it for at least this conversation_?”

“Then the future wouldn’t be as bright, would it?” The woman said as she looked back at the perverted cat girl, “See ya later, and don’t shoot me again next time.” She then jumped off the building. Noire didn’t bother looking down to see where she went. She only down at the gun in her hand,

“ _Don’t count on it, lady._ ” Noire muttered before staring at the sky, “ _But… I hope you do_.”

(RWBY Dorm)

“AND LET’S NOT FORGET THAT BAR THING!” Weiss yelled out,

“Oh, I do that once a month.” Yang said, brushing it off, “Plus, the bitch started it first!”

“You snapped her neck for punching you with a dolphin! _A fucking dolphin_. How is that even possible!? Plus, don’t you realize how worried Ruby was when you came back that night? She had fucking nightmares!”

“It wasn’t because she punched me with a sea mammal,” ‘Although it’s part of it.’ “It was because-wait, Ruby had nightmares?”

“Yes, but it was nothing to worry about.” Ruby said, “Only the fact that someone maimed, tortured, shot and slapped you to death.” Weiss and Yang only stared at the young leader in disbelief, “I said that out loud, didn’t I?” They slowly nodded,

“Okay, one, we’re all getting therapy sessions after this.” Blake said, who was covered in a few bandages, “Two, I’m getting worried about Noire. Have you guys been noticing she’s been acting a bit more… depressed lately?”

“Yeah, a little, but I’m sure she’s fine.” Ruby said, “Anyway, she’s a big girl, right? She can get through this.”

“She’s technically two weeks old.” Blake pointed out, “I think, but it doesn’t matter right now. All I know is that if we don’t talk about it soon, she’s gonna-“

“ _Who is gonna what now_?” Noire interrupted as she entered the room, “ _What are you guys talking about_? … _Is it about what I did to Yang’s bed_?”

“You did _what_ to my bed!?” Yang exclaimed,

“ _Oh, nothing…_ ” Noire chuckled as she took her seat, “ _So, this is it, huh_?”

“Oh, yeah!” Ruby said as she picked up the remote, “It’s the Season Finale for Revelation! Everyone ready?”

“Time to see bastards die.” Weiss growled, her eyes glowing thanks to her Aura Mode,

“I wanna know what Tex is doing.” Blake said, suspicious of the Freelancer,

“All I want to see is more of those fucking awesome fight scenes!” Yang called out, enjoying the action,

“Alright, it’s almost over! The Recollection is finally coming to a close! It’s been a wild ride, from shocking revelations, betrayal and everything that makes this season one of the best! So, strap in, pay your disrespects and respects, and get ready for a wild ride! It’s time to finish Red vs Blue: Revelation!” And with that, Ruby pressed play.

**(Standardized Testing)**

_Three gunshots are heard, then Tex is seen standing over three dead bodies._

“Huh, three guards? I was expecting more.” Weiss admitted, “It is a Freelancer base. And… you know, this place kinda looks like Sidewinder.”

“Makes sense since the original Church thought he was stationed at Sidewinder before transferring to Blood Gulch.” Blake pointed out.

 **Church** : Wow. You took all those guys out at once? Was that really necessary?

“I know they’d probably shoot her but these guys were just doing their job.” Yang said, “Actually, a lot of people who died in this series were just doing their job.”

“ _Soldiers are paid to die after all_.” Noire said grimly, “ _At least, what they believe in._ ”

 **Tex** : Eh, they'll live.

“Well, let’s see.” Ruby said, turning on Delta Ruby, “Three gun shots, a pool of blood and the fact that not any of them are moving, I think it’s safe to say they aren’t gonna make it.”

 **Church** : No... They won't.

“No kidding.” The RWBYs and Noire deadpanned.

 **Tex** : Oh. Yeah, I see your point. Come on, let's get inside.

“Okay, let’s see what the Hell Tex wants.” Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Ok. Man... Those guys got fucked up...

“No, that’s being shot. ‘Getting Fucked Up’ means being beaten to the inch of your life, cutting off various body part and feeding it to them and then getting shot. Before dislocating every bone in their body.” Yang corrected, “I should know!” She said happily. She didn’t notice her teammates shifting away from her.

 **Church:** What? Wait a minute... Oh no...

_Church has a flashback of Tex walking into the base at Valhalla._

“ _Really_? _A vision right now_?” Noire asked, “ _Why would he have a vision of Valhalla_? _What’s so important about it_?”

“Maybe it has significance to Church before he stopped being the Alpha.” Ruby guessed, “I guess he’s starting to remember.”

 **Church** : Tex, hold on a second!

 **Tex** : What's wrong?

 **Church** : Um... Yeah... Don't know if I mentioned this before, but I've kind of had psychic visions about this place. Yeah, I thought it was Valhalla at first, but I guess it turns out it was here... Probably should have told you this earlier.

“What makes you think that?” Weiss asked sarcastically as she rolled her eyes,

“Well, they didn’t really mean anything until now so it’s not his fault he forgot about it until now.” Yang said.

 **Tex** : Yes, you should have told me this earlier.

 **Church** : Well I'm telling you now, does that count?

“It doesn’t count.” The girls said with hesitation.

 **Tex** : Do you think it counts?

 **Church** : Nah, probably not.

 **Tex** : You're not psychic, genius. You're just remembering. You've been here before. We all were. This is where they moved Alpha.

“Um, I thought Church transferred to Blood Gulch.” Yang spoke up,

“Maybe that is before it happened. When the Alpha stopped being the Alpha.” Weiss guessed.

 **Tex:** After a few of us Freelancers went rogue, we compared notes and pieced together what they were doing to him. I convinced them to come back. Break him out. The project moved him here to try to protect him, so that they could keep experimenting on him.

“So they protected him, just so they could hurt him.” Blake growled, “He’s like a prisoner of war! Being mind raped until there’s nothing left!”

“ _And that’s how the Freelancer A.I. were born_.” Noire added in a sad tone.

 **Church** : Woah... You were in charge of the break in?

 **Tex** : I couldn't just let them destroy him. He was being tortured. The Director had even started to use some of the other AI against him. Think about that. Turning his own pieces against him? It's sick.

“He did what!?” The RWBYs & Noire exclaimed,

“The Director turned Church’s own children against him…” Ruby growled, “Helped break him down.”

“No wonder they had to write up new rules for the treatment of A.I.” Weiss said, “Argh! I don’t give a shit Church was based off the Director, the Director can go to Hell!”

“I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life, but nothing of this magnitude.” Blake muttered, “No one on Remnant will go that far for ‘scientific purposes’.”

“ _Really defines what makes you human huh_?” Noire said, “ _The Director isn’t one_.”

“The Director dies, soon.” Yang stated as she cracked her knuckles, her red now blood red.

_Cut to the computer Gamma was using back in Season 3_

“Wait, is that… that’s Gary’s computer thing!” Ruby called out, “Why is it there?”

 **Tex:** Gamma and Omega would fabricate scenarios where he was designed to fail, and they made it seem like his failures were hurting all of the people he cared about. And there was nothing he could do about it. It drove him mad, broke him down even more.

“That explains it.” Weiss said as the girls clenched their fists, their nails starting to dig into their skin,

“I just realized something.” Yang growled, “Remember when Church went through time, constantly failing his plans before learning about how things could never improve or get worse. Church didn’t time travel. It was just a bullshit scenario by Gamma to break him down even more. But Church was so broken down at that point it could literally do nothing else to cause him to fail even more. He had nothing to work with. Church succeeded because he failed.” At that point, the Director was currently replacing Washington and the Meta in the ‘Must Die Before Season 10’ list. How far did the Director go in order to achieve the goals he had set? Why did he let so many people die?

Why wasn’t he dead yet?

“This fucking piece of shit dies, or I am hunting him down myself.” Ruby promised.

 **Church** : But you came back. You saved him.

 **Tex** : No... I didn't. It was too late. By the time I got to him, he was already long gone. I don't even think he recognized me. I failed... Only in my case, it really was my fault.

“No, no it wasn’t.” Blake said as the girls looked down sadly, “You tried, that’s all that matters.”

“Alright, while it’ll be nice to see Washington and the Meta die, the Director better not come out of this whole thing alive.” Yang growled.

_In the desert, the Meta is beating the corpses of the Aliens._

“ _Speaking of Washington and the Meta_ …” Noire muttered,

“Man, the Meta must be pretty damn bored.” Blake said,

“That, or is working out its issues of its hatred of every sentient being.” Weiss guessed while she watched the Meta beat a dead alien, “…I don’t think it’s working though.”

 **Washington** : Doc, do you have a second?

 **Doc** : I'm a prisoner, Wash. I have nothing but seconds.

“Hm, smartest thing Doc has ever said this season.” Yang said.

 **Washington** : Right, good point.

 **Doc** : I mean, you don't even need to ask. You can just be like "hey, prisoner number one, come over here and talk to me, grrr I'm a Freelancer grrr."

“Okay, we get it. Stop elaborating.” Ruby said, “Rule one of being a hostage: Shut up!”

“He is literally the worst hostage ever.” Blake groaned,

“Of all time.” Weiss added, “FUCK!”

 **Washington** : OK, I get it.

 **Doc** : Yeah, you really need to step up your hostage taking skills.

“Rule two of being a hostage: SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Yang yelled out.

 **Washington** : Stop lecturing me, or I will shoot you, and feed you to the Meta.

 **Doc** : Does he eat people?

 **Washington** : Do you really want to find out?

“You know, I’m actually curious.” Ruby admitted out of morbid curiousity. The others had to agree, they did wanna see if the Meta liked Soylent Green.

 **Doc** : No. Maybe... If we used another person, sure. Sounds kind of interesting.

“ _Make it eat one of the dead aliens_! _I want it to eat other-worldly alien dicks_!” Noire called out before realizing it was something shock-worthy and quickly braced herself for a couple thousand volts, only to feel nothing. She looked at Blake, who only gave her a look, say ‘They need to talk’, ‘ _I won’t give her a chance._ ’ Noire thought.

 **Washington** : You've spent some time with him now. What's your diagnosis?

 **Doc** : Of who? The Meta?

 **Washington** : Yes! Pay attention to what's being said!

“You have to be a bit clearer around Blood Gulchers, Washington.” Weiss said, “Or else you’ll end up in a Spiral of Confusion and Stupidity. You’d think he would’ve learned it by now.”

 **Doc** : Testy~ Based on what you've said, he's just underpowered. He has a bunch of equipment but he can't use it now.

“…We’ve known that since Season 7. It should be pretty obvious at this point.” Ruby deadpanned, “You should be glad it can’t its equipment. It would’ve killed you a long time ago.”

 **Washington** : That's because he lost all of his A.I.

“And it will continue to not have A.I.” Yang added in.

 **Doc** : Wow... If I had all these cool fighting gadgets and I couldn't use them, I'd be pretty mad.

 **Washington** : Yeah...

“Like having a Scy-ifle and not knowing how to throw a punch.” Blake said as she looked at Ruby, who only looked down to the ground with a blush on her face,

‘S-S-Sorry.’ Ninja Ruby stuttered out.

 **Doc** : What happens if he uses them without the help of the computer program?

 **Washington** : Let's just put it this way: It ain't pretty.

_At the other Freelancer facility, Simmons attaches some equipment to Grif's armor._

“And what better way than to find out how pretty that shit is by seeing our favourite Butt Monkey get fucked up real badly.” Yang said, “My guess is that it causes him to see through his eyelids. Or shut off his visor or something.”

‘ _Thank you FredFuchs86 for the reaction._ ’ Noire thought, ‘ _Even though I already said it in an alternate universe before it collapsed on itself and killed everyone in it except me_! _Wow, that’s depressing. Meh, this universe is exactly the same except Ride to Hell: Retribution doesn’t exist and is replaced by Steel Battalion: Heavy Armour. I don’t know what’s worse. Man this is a really long thought process. I should stop now, starting now. Okay, now. Alright, now. God this is annoying._ ’

 **Grif** : All hooked up?

 **Simmons** : Yeah, installation was easy.

“Why does everything have to be accessed by the crotch?” Weiss muttered as she shook her head, “There are better places, like the back of the neck or on the waist. Why do armour abilities have to be access through the crotch?”

 **Simmons:** Ready to turn it on?

 **Grif** : Ready!

 **Simmons** : Now listen. You don't have an A.I., so nothing's going to help you make the calculations you need to use this thing. So just take it easy.

“…You do realize who you’re talking to, are you?” Blake asked rhetorically, “Grif would sleep during the end of the world if it would mean not using energy.”

 **Grif** : I was born to take it easy. Fire it up.

_A beep, followed by a charging sound as Grif drops his gun._

“Alright, let’s see this disaster unfold.” Yang said as she put her legs up on the table and grabbed some popcorn,

“Um, where did the popcorn come from? Because I swear it wasn’t there before.” Ruby asked, but the others shrugged in response

 **Simmons** : Ok, it's on. Do you feel any different?

 **Grif (extremely fast)** : No, kind of energetic, am I invisible? Huh? Am I? Am I- can you see me?

“ _Um, I don’t think it’s invisibility._ ” Noire said, “ _Well, this is going to be interesting._ ”

 **Simmons** : Calm down. No. I can still see you. Try jumping.

 **Grif (hyperactive)** : Jump! I jumped! Did that work Simmons? I can do it again! Please, let me do it again. Want me to jump again? Watch, I'll do it again, I won't even stop. Let me jump! Let me jump! Let me jump! Why aren't you answering me when I talk with my mouth!?!

“Okay, I’m starting to get weirded out by this.” Blake admitted, “Grif shouldn’t be this… happy.”

“Grif shouldn’t be able to jump.” Ruby pointed out, “Or… move.”

 **Simmons** : Hmm.... Walk over there. I have a theory.

“ _I have my own theory_ : _This is going to go wrong in two seconds and maybe, just a suggestion, maybe it would be a good idea to shut it off_.” Noire suggested.

 **Simmons:** This one is either super healing or super-

_Grif runs off extremely fast._

**Grif** : Woohoo!!! Wishung!!!

“Speed.” Yang finished,

“Well, at least people won’t be able to see him.” Ruby reasoned, “…Or make him more visible.”

“Isn’t it ironic that Grif wanted to get an armour enhancement that would let him do nothing, but instead got one that would force him to do everything?” Blake pointed out, “A man whose cholesterol level is equal to an entire kingdom running around at the speed of sound won’t end well.”

“It would’ve been more ironic if Grif was a Blue.” Weiss said before shivering, ‘I still have nightmares about that stupid Dream Collection.’

“ _I don’t think that counts though._ ” Noire muttered.

 **Simmons** : Speed.

“I think we know.” Blake deadpanned, “By the way, we’ve seen faster.” Blake then looked at Ruby, “A lot faster.” She added through gritted teeth.

_Caboose and Tucker are talking in the next room._

**Caboose** : Yeah, so then Church said "I love you forever."

 **Tucker** : That didn't happen.

“And I don’t think it will ever happen.” Ruby said, “Although this Church nicer than the previous one. At least towards Tex.”

_Grif runs past_

**Grif** : Hey Caboose!

 **Tucker** : Whoa, what the hell was that?

“Okay, Grif wasn’t going that fast, at least for us.” Yang said as she looked at the two fastest members of the team, “But still, he must be pretty fucking fast for Tucker not to see him.”

 **Caboose** : What was what? ( _Long pause)_  Hey Grif!

“Okay, that’s slightly creepy.” Weiss said, slightly unnerved,

“ _That boy is more observant than we thought._ ” Noire muttered, “ _Though, he does process stuff slower than everything and everyone in the universe. I swear, he probably drinks gasoline when no one’s looking_.” She then noticed the confused looks directed at her,

“’Boy’?” Blake repeated, “… _Really_?”

“ _Uh_ …” Noire tried to think of a good reason why she said that while looking away, “ _…Fuck it, I honestly have no idea fucking clue where that came from._ ” ‘ _By the way, fuck you Yue Twili again, alternate universe, everyone I originally know is dead, blah blah blah, anyway, fuck you for making me say shit like that._ ’

_Sarge is in the next room over looking at a forklift._

**Sarge** : That is one fine piece of machinery.

“Why did they have to make forklifts drivable?” Weiss muttered to herself, “’Oh, I always wanted to drive a forklift in Halo! Forklifts are awesome!’ Whoever said that is a very boring person.”

_Grif runs past._

**Sarge** : Huh. Why am I so angry all of a sudden?

“Probably because your least favourite… person, or a word that is more demeaning to describe Grif, who will also be for now known as the Ambiguously Orange Flash.” Yang said,

‘ _Also, fuck you FredFuchs86 for insulting the Yondaime, though I’ve already said this. Alternate universe. God, this sucks. Well, at least things will go back to normal. As in the original universe will be restored and the memoires of this RWBY is being inserted into the original RWBYs and oh God, I really wish he didn’t accidently delete the original Chapter 68._ ’ Noire thought with a sigh, ‘ _We have enough bullshit in this story already, including me by the way, and it’s starting to get overwhelming. Thank God, my contract will be void soon_.’ Noire thought with a sigh, ‘ _Ugh,_ “ _restoring a universe is hhhhhhhhhaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrddddddddd_ ” _he said_ , _fucking prick_.’

 **Simmons** : Slow down, slow down! Grif, slow down!

 **Grif** : Yeeeeeha- OW!

_Grif runs straight into the wall._

The RWBYs & Noire winced, “Well, at least he stopped.” Ruby said, remembering the days where she was still trying to control her Semblance.

 **Simmons** : Hey, asshole. Are you dead?

 **Grif (rapidly)** : Ow, whoa Simmons did you see that? Did you see? I saw it! I saw it, totally! Did you see? I hit that wall! That was fast! Man that was super fast! I'm so fast! God, so fast! Why is it so hot in here?

“So this what might be like if Nora was our teammate.” Yang muttered, “I am so glad I’m not a JNPR.”

“Anyway, we already have our own motor mouth.” Weiss said as she looked at Ruby, who happily waved back.

 **Simmons** : Grif! Calm down!

 **Grif (energetic)** : I'm calm! I'm totally calm? Why don't you be calm? Why would you say to be calm when you know I'm already calm? Isn't it obvious that I'm calm? That doesn't even make any sense! You should make some sense! Why is it so hot in here?

“I think Grif’s armour is overheating.” Blake said, “This is why you don’t mess with shit you know isn’t going to work.”

“ _Like all of Yang’s plans_.” Noire spoke up,

“HEY!” Yang exclaimed,

“Lava dragons vs. thugs in an abandoned, explosive Dust factory.” Ruby said without hesitation or even focusing on the conversation, “Two days after discovering your Aura Mode.”

“Okay, not one of my best ideas but-“

“Pranking Nora. Period.” Blake deadpanned,

“Well, she-“

“Pranking Jaune with Pyrrha around. Or any other JNPR. Sometimes Cardin.” Weiss said as she filed her nails,

“Alright, not my best idea but-“

“ _Lava dragons… then blackmailing everyone, even the ones trying to help_.” Noire said, “ _And still has copies of said blackmail_.” Suddenly, there were several shotgun blasts,

“What blackmail?” Yang asked, not noticing that her bed was now destroyed and was on fire, “I don’t see blackmail and you will never find any of it.” They were sure Yang had more, and they were going to destroy all of it, but right now all they wanted to do was put out Yang’s bed, replace everything damaged and went back to watching.

 **Sarge** : What in Sam Hell is all the racket?

 **Grif (excited)** : Hey Sarge! What's up Sarge! Simmons is doing some experiments and I'm helping him Sarge! Right now we're doing one where everyone talks slow and the lights are super bright and I can smell clouds and man is it so hot in here!

 **Simmons** : We installed a speed unit on Grif and it's sort of... Malfunctioning right now.

“I’m pretty sure we can tell Simmons.” Blake said, “Again, don’t mess with shit you don’t really understand.”

 **Sarge** : Well turn him off!

 **Simmons** : I can't! They run on timers! We're just going to have to wait it out.

 **Sarge** : How long?

“At this rate…” Ruby muttered as she did some quick calculations in her head, “14 seconds rounding down.” She had to remind herself she was good of math. She didn’t skip two years because of her awesome skills (although she did expect it contributed to a majority of her scholarship).

 **Grif (annoying enough to want people punching him in the face just so he would SHUT THE FUCK UP!)** : How long? What's long? I like long stuff! I knew a giraffe once, I think it was in a book. A giraffe book. The book wasn't long, but the giraffe totally was. Because of the neck, you know. You know what I mean? Do you? Do you? The part that connects ( _Grif slows down)_ the head to... the... body... I'm gonna go to sleep now...

_Grif collapses._

“Thank God that’s over.” Yang said with a sigh of relief, “It felt like talking to Nora.”

“You know, being rescued by the JNPRs is starting to sound pretty bad.” Weiss admitted, “Plus, we have the Bullhead now, we can leave anytime we want. I think our wounds have healed well enough.”

“I forgot we were hurt.” Blake admitted before muttering, “I’m still wondering who that person in white was.”

“I’m sure we won’t see her again.” Ruby said, “But if she does, we’re going to be ready.”

“ _You know, I seriously doubt that_.” Noire admitted, causing everyone to glare at her, “ _It’ll take at least a few years to even match that chick or unless you all use your Aura Modes_. _And considering that only Yang & Weiss are the only ones who can access it safely and Ruby’s is kinda fucked up, yeah, it’s going to take some work_.” ‘ _Though, I am working on Blake’s right now_.’ Noire mentally added,

“Anyway, let’s hurry this shit up so we can all leave this place behind!” Weiss called out as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Tenth Percentile)**

_Fade in to Simmons and Grif meddling with F.I.L.S.S._

**F.I.L.S.S.:**  That is not an approved operation-hey! Watch it buddy!

“Don’t you fucking dare hurt Sheila.” Yang growled,

“She technically not Sheila, remember? She’s F.I.L.S.S.” Ruby pointed out before realizing something, “Huh, how about that?”

“What?” Blake spoke up,

“No wonder Sheila was called Phyllis back in that fake time travel bullshit built by Gamma. Gamma must’ve changed the thing on the fly.” Ruby said, “Which also explains the freakish and convoluted actins causing the events of the Blood Gulch Chronicles.”

“ _I wonder how long they planned this_.” Noire said as she leaned back, “ _Or is making shit up as they go along_.”

 **Simmons:** Can you show me the data logs?

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  Affirmative.

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, any progress in restoring the Blues?

“Well, at least they’re doing something useful, even though it isn’t really that important.” Blake said.

 **Simmons:** It's a lot of data entry Sir. I was thinking I could hack the mainframe and reroute the data stream to-

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  Or, we could just restore from an archive database.

 **Simmons:** What?

The girls stared at the screen as soon as Sheila said that, “What.” Weiss said flatly,

“So they went they went on a rescue mission, almost died on it, lost Donut (bless his soul), then went on another rescue mission and also died on it, got beaten up by Tex, had their armour shut down on them and gone through multiple hoops to restore the Blues so they could kill them… and they could solve it at a press of a button.” Blake said incredulously, “…What the fuck?”

“ _Well, most of their plans are usually over complicated_.” Noire muttered.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  This is an off-site fallback facility. It is designed to have archives in case of data loss. Blue Team rosters would certainly be a part of that.

 **Simmons:**  … _Really_?

“Well, it wouldn’t make sense for Freelancer to not keep back-ups of their crap.” Yang said, “Their research is more important than the safety and wellbeing of their agents after all.” She grumbled, “Fucking Hell, I am surprised there’s anyone still alive.”

“I’m surprised anyone hasn’t tried to kill the Director yet after what he’s done.” Ruby growled.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:** Yes. In fact, I am glad you pointed out the database anomaly. I had noticed it before, but did not have time to investigate. Strange.

 **Simmons:**  Oh. Okay, yeah, restore that then.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:** Done.

“That was anti-climatic.” Yang said as she sighed, “A fitting end to what amounts to a rather pointless thing at this point.”

 **Simmons:** Great.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:** You seem disappointed. Did I do it too quickly, and make you look bad?

 **Simmons:**  No...

“Yeah… you kinda did.” Blake deadpanned, “Wow, I’m actually kinda sad it ended this way.”

“ _You were thinking it would’ve ended more dramatically_?” Noire asked. Blake thought about it before shaking her head. Unless they were dragging themselves as zombies raped them, she couldn’t think of anything more dramatic than that, ‘ _Yeah, try getting that image out of your head_. _Reverse necrophilia_! _Where the dead fucks you_!’

 **F.I.L.S.S.:** I could always, _pretend_ that you hacked me, if it would make you look better to your friends.

 **Simmons:**  Stop patronizing me.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  Affirmative. Patronizing subroutines are now offline.

‘They are so not offline.’ The RWBYs and Noire thought, ‘You can’t turn off snark.’

 **Simmons:**  You're still patronizing me aren't you?

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  Kind of.

 **Grif:**  Hmm.

“Hm, what did Grif find?” Blake muttered.

 **Sarge:** What is it Grif?

 **Grif:** This is weird, if I'm reading this right there's a bunch of other Red and Blue bases.

“Of course there is. Do you think you think they were the only Reds and Blues, even though he already met was about to be executed by them?” Weiss scoffed, “Ugh, why didn’t they choose another Red to run Rat’s Nest? That Mutineer guy, the guy on the far left of the firing line, the guy on the far right of the firing line, anybody other than Grif or Simmons.”

 **Sarge:** Of course there are Grif! The war is huge. The fate of the Galaxy rests in the balance.

 **Grif:**  Or, not.

“’Not’? What does he mean by that?” Yang muttered as she leaned forward, “Maybe they’re finding out why they’re here.” The others were interested to see what the true purpose of the whole Simulation Trooper thing and how all the Reds and Blues ended up where they were, so they focused purely on the screen, ready to interpret the information.

 **Sarge:**  What's that mean?

 **Grif:**  Here, check this out, I'm looking at the list of missions for all the different bases, and some of them look... familiar.

The girls looked at each other and narrowed their eyes, not liking where this was going, “Alright, what did Grif find?” Ruby asked.

 **Simmons:**  Let me see. Huh, apparently they set up bases in various locations and then send a Freelancer in for... training… purposes.

“ _I guess it’s finally going to sink in_.” Noire said, “ _It’s finally going to sink in that they aren’t real soldiers_.”

 **Sarge:** Training?

 **Grif:** Practice.

 **Sarge:** Practice?

“Cannon fodder.” The RWBYs and Noire added in solemnly,

“People fucking died for that fake war…” Ruby muttered, still in disbelief that Freelancer would let people die for nothing, “And they were basically live targets for the Freelancers to maim and kill.”

“You know, I’m actually kinda glad that a few Freelancers died because of the Reds and Blues and also helped the destruction of the A.I.” Yang admitted, “Sure, it’s said good people died or became evil, but it’s showing the Director all the horrible decisions he’s made is coming back to bite him in the ass.”

“Still, too many people died for nothing.”

 **Simmons:** Yeah, the Reds and Blues are just there to test the skills of the Freelancers.

 **Sarge:**  You mean the Blues.

“No, it should be correct.” Blake said, “Maybe he’s trying to reject it, like the time Grif was a Sergeant and Sarge was physically incapable of understanding that he and Grif were of equal rank.”

“ _Basically, he rejects everyone else’s reality and substitutes it with his own_.” Noire clarified.

 **Simmons:** No I mean both of them, ah- both of us. It says here that "simulation bases will present scenarios that may occur for Freelancer agents in a galactic battle field."

 **Sarge:**  Simuwatshin?

 **Grif:** He means we're like lab rats.

"I hate to admit it, but it really is an apt description of the entire concept to the Simulation Trooper thing." Weiss said sadly.

 **Sarge:** What- what- that's nonsense! We've been through so much! We had that, whole battle with the Blues for the, somethinerother and, then we set off that bomb thingy, and we got blasted through time, and we met an alien and that guy got pregnant.

 **Simmons:**  According to this that is… Scenario… Three.

 **Sarge** (& RWBY and Noire) **:**   _Three_!?

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Ruby yelled out, “Bullshit! You mean the entire Blood Gulch Chronicles was a single digit scenario! Seriously, what kind of drugs were they on when they thought of that?”

“Okay, I can buy the whole fucking bullshit time travel if it wasn’t a torture scenario set up by Gamma, or the whole ice age thing, even though it could easily be that they just blew up Sidewinder to Hell, but I **_REFUSE_** to fucking believe everything from the bomb to Omega to Crunchbite to Tucker’s pregnancy to the Great Weapon, which is a rip off of the Keyblade by the way, was all god damn planned from the very beginning!” Yang exclaimed,

“ _Sorry Yang_ , _but the truth is… game was rigged from the start_.” Noire quoted roughly,

“True, and the Director could’ve worked with the Aliens into… getting Junior, in exchange for whatever the hell the Director wants. Maybe to see what would happen.” Blake pointed out,

“Hey, I have an idea, instead of making up theories all day long, why don’t we watch the episode and find out before it goes any further and I break your necks.” Weiss suggested sweetly, “Seriously, it feels like we’re all Grif and Simmons sometimes.”

“Who’s who, then?” Yang asked,

“Everyone.” They decided to leave it at that and continue watching.

 **Grif:** Why us though?

“Yeah, why them? There are plenty of people other than these guys.” Yang muttered.

 **Simmons:**  Let me see, let me see, thuh... "bases are outfitted with matching weapons and vehicles to ensure long conflict and are staffed by... _low level operatives_?"

 **Grif:**  Hey, who's that report calling low level? Stupid report. Punch it.

“A crowning example of a low level operative right there.” Weiss deadpanned.

 **Simmons:** "The candidates for Red and Blue squads will be culled from enlisted army ranks based on low test scores and poor field skills so as to not be missed on-"

“ _Okay, now that definitely our idiots_.” Noire said, “ _Doesn’t explain… everyone else_. _They don’t seem crap at everything… or insane._ ”

“So basically, the entire reason that they’re there, why they all went through hell and back just for a flag and end up in various, admittingly random events because they were idiots.” Ruby summarized, rather surprised, “…They became the closest things you can call ‘heroes’ because they were at the bottom of the barrel.”

“ _I’m sure they’re regretting it now, considering things_.” Noire muttered, ‘ _Thank you iron maker2 for the reaction_.’

 **Grif:** That actually does sound like me. What about you, I thought you were smart? Did you have low test scores too?

 **Simmons:**  Hey those time limits aren't fair, it should be important that I know the information, not how fast I know it!

“So, Simmons had the potential to be a real soldier or at least an operator at Command?” Yang said, slightly surprised,

“He could, but he doesn’t work well under pressure and considering at times where the operator is just as vital as the soldier and that their lives are in their hands, it would be highly unlikely Simmons would last long.” Blake pointed out, “Wars aren’t won with just guns and bullets after all.”

“Yeah, but this war happens to fucking suck.” Weiss also pointed out.

 **Grif:**  Geeze, guess I hit a nerve.

 **Simmons:**  And don't even get me started on the number two pencils.

“Never really understood why they cracked down on those.” Ruby admitted, “You can’t really tell the difference between pencils after all.”

 **Grif:**  Well Sarge, I always said Command was full of- Sarge?

_Cut to Sarge walking out of the room_

“ _I think it finally sunk in_.” Noire said, “ _Well, considering your entire military career was a lie and you just spent nearly a decade of your life for absolutely nothing, I would be depressed as well_.”

_Cut to Caboose in the main area_

“Huh, what the fuck is that?” Yang asked, noticing the structure in the area, “It kinda looks like… is that the roof of the base back in Blood Gulch?”

“I have a feeling I know who built that.” Blake muttered as she shook her head.

 **Caboose:**  Ah that's good. Eh, maybe a little to the left.

 **Grif:**  What is all this?

 **Caboose:** Oh, this is new Red Base. Welcome.

“Oh, here we go.” Ruby groaned.

 **Simmons:** When did you build this?

 **Caboose:** Oh I didn't build this. Your Sergeant did.

“What the-He left the fucking room just,” Blake then quickly checked her imaginary watch, “2.38 seconds ago!”

“What type of imaginary watch tells that?” Weiss asked, “Wait, how did _you_ know the exact time!? AND WHY THE FUCKING BALLS AM I ASKING ABOUT AN IMAGINARY WATCH!?”

“ _A better question is_ : _why not_?” Noire replied,

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“Man, our parents are so getting on our asses as soon as they learn about our mouths.” Ruby muttered, “Then ground us for the rest of our natural lives for making them worry about us.”

“Especially Dad.” Yang said. She admittingly hasn’t really thought hard about her and Ruby’s dad all summer and how he’s possibly suffering a mental breakdown for losing his daughters. Yeah, as soon as they got back, she would prepare to drop out of Beacon to make up for lost time until the year after. She was sure Ruby was going to anyway so she wouldn’t bother asking her.

 **Grif:** What? He built this? When?

 **Caboose:** Oh, just now.

 **Grif:**  He walked out of the room like ten seconds ago!

“2.38 seconds.” Blake corrected,

“Still fucking wondering how you know that.” Weiss muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Oh he got sad about something so he's making a Red Base here. And I am helping. I am great at building forts. See, I already built a Blue Base.

_Cut to “Blue Base”… which is just a couch with a chair, blanket, pillow and the Blue Team flag on a broom_

**Caboose:** Ours has blankets.

“You have to admit, it’s a way better fort we’ve could’ve built when we were kids.” Yang said.

 **Sarge:**  Go away!

 **Simmons:**  Sarge, what _is_ all this?

 **Sarge:**  Simmons, didn't you hear? We're cannon fodder. Practice! Well if I'm the leader of junk, I may as well have a base made out of junk! Pretty appropriate, right?

“ _You know, this is actually the sanest Sarge has ever acted_.” Noire pointed out, “ _But fuck, knowing your entire career is a lie must hurt_.”

“No kidding.” Ruby muttered, “It’s like if we all trained and became Huntresses, only to find out the Grimm don’t exist.”

 **Grif:**  Looks like shit!

“It’s better than you could’ve done in a year!” Weiss called out.

 **Sarge:**  That was rhetorical, dirtbag!

 **Simmons:** Well Sir, I think this is an excellent strategy. The Blues'll never-

 **Sarge:** Blues? Simmons, don't you get it yet? Grif was right all along.

“Yeah, at this point everything from the computer under Blood Gulch to the various scenarios all makes sense and well, Sarge kinda needs to face facts.” Yang said, “They aren’t real soldiers. They never were.”

“Plus, the Reds & Blues represent everyone who shouldn’t be in the army.” Ruby added in.

 **Grif:** Thank you Sir.

 **Sarge:**   _Don't_ call me that any more.

 **Simmons:** Sarge, this place is one lie after another.

“And this one happens to be the only truth in the entire facility.” Blake spoke up, “In a universe full of betrayal and lies, not even the truth will comfort you.”

 **Simmons:** We don't know if-

 **Sarge:**  Oh, we know. I know. You wanna fool yourself go ahead.

 **Simmons:**  You're just upset Sir.

“ _He has the right to be upset_! _He just learnt that he wasted his life_! _That_ _he was better off as an ODST_!” Noire called out.

 **Sarge:** Don't, call me that.

 **Simmons:**  What? Call you what?

 **Sarge:**  Sir. From now on, you call me by my name: Sarge. Or S-Dog.

“Wait, so his name is actually Sarge?” Ruby said in disbelief, “Who the hell names their kid Sarge!?”

“He probably changed his name after he got the rank.” Weiss guessed, “Which is now useless.”

“He’ll probably want his money back.” Yang said, “Maybe change his middle name to Lazar.”

 **Sarge:** I'm not in charge any more. I quit.

 **Simmons:**  ...You what?

“Well, I guess that’s the final straw. No point in killing the Blues anymore.” Blake said, “All that work for nothing.”

“ _I guess that sums up the entire meaning of the Red vs Blue war_.” Noire muttered, “ _Actually, I know a quote that actually sums up the Director’s actions_ ; ‘ _Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted_ ’.” ‘ _I need to stop quoting shit soon_.’

 **Grif:**  Uh-oh. I get the feeling somebody else's world just got rocked.

 **Caboose:** Yeh, I'll start working on another fort.

“How about plan an assault on everyone who screwed you guys over.” Ruby suggested, “You did break into Command once, time to finish it.”

“But that would mean declaring war on the UNSC…” Weiss pointed out, “You know, child kidnapping, super soldiers, access to high-tech alien weaponry, various other things that will literally fuck your shit.”

“But they do have Caboose.” Blake also pointed out. They decided to leave it there. They knew who would win.

_Cut to Sidewinder with Church and Tex_

“ _And… back to our local sadist and masochist_.” Noire said,

“Man, Church must have a serious fetish for women who hate him.” Yang muttered.

 **Church:**  Tex, stop. Where are we going?

 **Tex:** There's only one person left who knows what happened to me: The Director.

“The Direc-NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS WHO THE HELL HE IS!” Weiss yelled out, “Let alone where he is! This is basically a wild goose chase. End it now before you end up dead again!”

“This is not going to end well for anyone.” Blake said as she sighed.

 **Church:**  The Director, nobody even knows who he is.

 **Tex:**  I can think of two people who might know: Wash and the Meta.

“If Washington knew where the Director was, the fucker would be dead!” Ruby exclaimed, “He hates the Director as much as you do, but he kinda has other issues!”

“Like capturing Epsilon and now getting his ass sent back to prison.” Yang added in, “Though, I wouldn’t mind Washington dropping the soap in front of the Meta though.”

“ _Oh_ … _I didn’t know you were into monster porn_.” Noire said, rather interested, “ _So, do you like the one with-_ “

*BZZZZT!*

“Do you think she has enough electricity in her body to power the city?” Weiss asked as Noire slowly recovered from the shock,

“ _By the end of the summer_ , _I’ll go Evil Cole on your ass_.” Noire grumbled as she sat back down in her spot, ‘ _Though it isn’t going to matter anyway_.’ Noire thought as she sighed.

 **Church:**  Wash and Meta, are you kidding me? Tex, forget all this. What if they don't even know?

 **Tex:**  Then I get to kill Wash and Meta. If I can't find the Director, I'll just dismantle everything he ever built.

 **Church:** Tex I think the Director built all this for you.

“That’s… creepy.” Ruby said, “This entire thing, Project Freelancer and the A.I? All for Tex? _Really_?”

“Not for Tex, for the one the Director lost.” Yang corrected, “But from the lies, the betrayals, the experiments, the actions of the Director, all the deaths Project Freelancer has caused, and the Meta! Whoever this chick was, I’m sure she would’ve been disgusted by how far the Director would go! Seriously, INNOCENTS DIED!” The girls were conflicted with whenever or not they wanted Washington to get Epsilon so the proper authorities could arrest the Director or for Washington and the Meta to avenge Donut and everyone who was killed by the Meta. They just wanted a bad guy to die.

 **Tex:**  Ugh, even more reason to burn it all to the ground.

 **Church:**  Facing Wash and Meta, is suicide, even if we knew where they were.

“Yeah, and considering that they’re in a desert, which should be thousands of kilometers away from them, they won’t be finding them anytime soon.” Blake said,

“Why are you using the metric system?” Ruby asked, “We aren’t in Vacuo.”

“Wait, _does_ Vacuo use the metric system?” Weiss spoke up, “Anyway, the metric system is easier to remember. If you think about it, it’s kinda stupid. I mean…”

“Are we going to have a conversation about the systems of measurement or are we gonna watch this shit?” Yang said, cutting off Weiss. Weiss blushed before everyone went back to watching,

“ _And that ends another argument brought to you by Team RWBY_. _Team RWBY_ : _Yes_ , _it is confusing_.” Noire said, looking in your direction,

“Who are you talking to?” Ruby asked, only to be growled at, “WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!?” Ruby snapped, freaking out her teammates, “WHAT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT DID I DO!?”

“ _Oh, you fucking know what you did_.” Noire growled back,

“Well, surprise, surprise BITCH! I DON’T KNOW WHAT! So, tell me, what the fuck did I do!?” Ruby then paused to think about what exactly she did, “Okay, there was that one thing that certainly earned that, and there was the other thing I did which involved Yang’s hairbrush… wow, I am a horrible person.”

“Wait, you did _what_ with my hairbrush?” Yang asked, though she was ignored,

“Ugh, point is STOP BEING A BITCH!” Ruby yelled out, “Fucking tell me what’s your problem with me!”

“ _Okay, fine_.” Noire grumbled, “ _It’s because you’re an asshole_.”

“What?”

“ _You may have everyone, and I mean everyone, fooled with your little innocent act_ _but not me_. _Since we’ve started the season, I can’t fucking help but hate you every time I see you, every time I even think of you_. _You may brush off my words, like they don’t matter, but on the inside I know what you’re thinking, what the colour of your heart is, what you’ve done that changed your soul_. _I am awake to your lies_.” Noire growled, leaning close to the young girl, who was now sweating profusely as her teammates looked at her,

‘Uh… okay, I may have done something.’ Ruby thought, ‘Wait, but how the Hell did she know any… oh, fuck.’

“Um, well, you see…” Ruby started before pulling out a taser and electrocuting the shit out of the perverted cat girl, freaking out her teammates before she quickly searched Noire for some Purple Dust and took it out, “Aw fuck me.”

(Rewind!)

“ _And that ends another argument brought to you by Team RWBY_. _Team RWBY_ : _Yes_ , _it is… con… fu… sing_.” Noire trailed off, now realizing where she was, “ _Um, what_?” ‘ _That… wasn’t… oh, you motherfucker._ ’ Noire thought as she glared at Ruby,

“Is there something wrong?” Ruby asked, only to be growled at, “Well, fuck you too.” Ruby grumbled before going back to the screen, ‘Crisis averted.’

 **Church:** We don't. How the hell are you gonna find them?

 **Tex:**  They'll find us.

“Desert.” Blake stated, “Snowy Mountain. There is a clearly defined problem with the whole ‘Letting them find you’ plan.”

 **Church:**  Oh so what, we just hole up? And wait for them to come without ever even knowing when that's gonna be?

 **Tex:** ( _Tex switches to her pistol_ ) No, they'll come now.           

“I don’t like where this is going.” Yang said, as the girls started getting worried as soon as Tex switched weapons.

 **Church:** How? Are you just gonna call them on the phone?

 **Tex:**  Somethin' like that.

_Tex shoots Church_

“CHURCH!” The RWBYs and Noire shouted out, “NO! DAMN IT!”

 **Church:** Tex?

 **Tex:**  I needed you to come. Sheila said the recovery beacon wouldn't activate, until we left the storage facility.

“Well, you didn’t have to fucking shoot him though!” Ruby yelled out, “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“So we have a nicer Church but in exchange we have a meaner Tex.” Weiss said as she shook her head, “I don’t know if it’s worth it.”

“Yeah, especially when it involves shooting your creator.” Blake growled,

“The original Tex was so much better than this one.” Yang muttered as she glared at the Freelancer, “Oh, you are so dead bitch.”

“ _Welp, Tex’s cunt is getting filled with karma_.” Noire mumbled to herself.

 **Church:** Tex?

 **Tex:** I didn't ask to be paired with you. I didn't wanna come back. But I'm here now, so I'm gonna put an end to this.

“It won’t end until the Director is dead! Just leaving a trail of destruction will get you anywhere!” Blake called out, “It’ll only lead you to destroying yourself.”

 **Church:** Tex, I would have helped you.

“Okay, now that’s a stretch but shooting him to lure in Washington and the Meta isn’t helping.” Ruby said, “Okay, fucking seriously, why do the Blues always have to be used as bait? The Reds should be more suited for that type of crap! Especially Grif.”

“We can all agree Church wouldn’t be much help but shooting him is a dick move.” Weiss said, “And like Church said, facing Washington and the Meta alone is suicide. No matter how good you are, she’s going against two highly skilled Freelancers, one of them being a mass murderer, so she’s bound to fail.”

“Still, after that she did the Tucker and the Reds, there’s a chance she can.” Yang muttered, “But we have to wait and see.”

 **Tex:**  You can't even help yourself. That's why you made me, Church. You made me to take on all the things you can't handle.

“ _Kinda too late for that Tex_.” Noire grumbled, “ _Way too late_. _Wow, you really suck at what you were made to do_.”

 **Tex:** Just like you always have. Well guess what, I'm gonna handle it.

“Fucking hypocrite. Complaining about everything being based around Church but is doing something really selfish right now.” Yang pointed out, “Alright, take your bets! When is Tex going to get a cunt full of karma?”

 **Tex:** Wash and Meta will be coming now. I have some things to get ready.

 **Church:** Tex... why are you doing this?

 **Tex:** Funny you should ask. That's exactly what I plan to find out.

“The path of destruction will only end by destroying yourself.” Ruby whispered to herself, “Please, don’t follow through with this.”

“We all know she will.” Weiss said grimly, “Let’s just hope she takes the Meta and Washington with her to Hell.”

_Cut to Wash in the desert_

**Washington:** What is that? Where is that coming from? It can't be.

 **Meta:**  ( _growl_ )

“I’m guessing Tex is going to have plenty of time to prepare because… well, look.” Blake said as she pointed at the screen,

“Everything better explode.” Yang stated as she crossed her arms.

 **Washington:**  I'm getting it too. I should have known he might end up there.

 **Doc:**  What is it?

 **Washington:** It's a recovery beacon. It's him; it's Epsilon. Doc, go get a vehicle. Meta, you grab the memory unit.

“ _Yeah_ , _trust the mute psycho who still has all the equipment it got from all the murdered Freelancers with the thing used the capture an A.I._ _That will go well_.” Noire said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Meta:** ( _growl_ )

 **Doc:**  But where are we going?

 **Washington:**  We're going to the only place that's left.

“Or the second to last place left.” Ruby added in, “Alright, so, how’s everyone doing?”

“Apart from the unrelenting urge to punch Tex in her robotic vagina, I’d say I’m cool.” Yang replied,

“Same here.” Blake spoke up,

“Although I do disagree with Tex’s method to lure in Washington and the Meta, I can’t really think of any other way of getting them to their position apart from waiting.” Weiss said, “It sucks, but it had to happen, Tex just sped up the process.”

“ _Either way… fuck it_. _I don’t wanna say anything else_. _Just start the fucking episode_.” Noire muttered. Blake was concerned for Noire, becoming increasingly worried with every depressed comment Noire made,

‘I need to do something before…’ Blake thought, not wanting to finish what she was saying in her mind as she picked up the remote and pressed play, ‘And actually remember to this time.’

**(Rally Cap)**

_Fade inside a room where Caboose is seen standing in front of F.I.L.S.S._

**F.I.L.S.S:**  Alarm. Incoming recovery beacon. Level Zero. Alarm. Incoming recovery beacon.

“Well, at least we know that works.” Blake grumbled, still rather pissed at Tex’s actions.

 **Caboose:**  Oh no!

“I think Caboose’s Church senses are tingling.” Ruby said,

“And the warning alarm is flaring.” Weiss deadpanned,

“That too my friend.”

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Level Zero.

“Couldn’t they just say that it’s top priority?” Yang muttered.

_Caboose rushes out of the room. Cut to Doc driving Wash and the Meta across a snowy field, perfectly serene except for Church's apparently lifeless body._

“ _Fuck_ , _Church looks bad_.” Noire said, “ _How long has Church been there_?”

“Probably a few days at most.” Weiss guessed, “Yeah, he isn’t going to be 100% after this.”

 **Washington:**  There he is! Something doesn't seem right here. Stop the car.

 **Doc:**  Stop? ( _car stops_ )

“What? Do you wanna run him over?” Yang asked sarcastically, “...Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if he accidently ran him over.”

 **Washington:**  I don't like this. How did he get hurt, why isn't anyone helping him?

“Because Tex shot him after she killed everyone.” Blake answered, “I’m going to guess this is a trap. And probably a few days after Caboose saw the alert.”

“Why? How do you know that?” Weiss asked,

“Well, in film, whoever’s making the film has control of everything we see, including the passage of time.” Blake explained, “Using various cuts, transitions and various other techniques, we can assume at what time things are happening or even if time has passed at all.”

“Huh, never took you for a movie buff, Pussy Cat.” Yang said, rather impressed,

“Well, I do have interests outside of books.” Blake stated, “Film is an art, and a prime example of film being an art form is actually my favourite movie: Rest: A Story of the Unconsciousness.”

“I’ve heard about that one.” Ruby spoke up, “It’s that stupid, shitty art house film about some dude sleeping for 10 hours! Wow, you have horrible taste in movies.”

“YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING!” Blake shouted out. This prompted everyone to shut up and went back to watching.

 **Meta:**   _(snarls)_

 **Washington:**  You're right, this is a trap.

“ _Well_ , _no fucking shit man_.” Noire said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Washington:** ( _Wash gets out of the jeep_ ) Those walls there, perfect for a sniper. We walk in to where he's hurt and suddenly, we're boxed in, nowhere to go.

“Yeah, I recognize this.” Ruby muttered as she leaned forward and narrowed her eyes, “I’ve used this strategy a lot on… Grimm. Yeah, G-Grimm. Lots and lots of Grimm.” She didn’t notice her teammates slowly shifting away from her due to the fact of that last part,

“That was not Creepy Ruby.” Weiss whispered to Yang, who only shrugged before they started moving faster.

 **Doc:**  You think the Reds are tryin' to ambush us?

“…Do you even know the Reds?” Blake deadpanned,

“Well, to be fair he hung out with the Blues more.” Weiss pointed out, “Still, the Reds plans would involve Grif being bait, or dead. Or publically humiliated. Or all of the above. Plus explosions and maybe slow motion.”

“Then again, the Reds can pull off some awesome maneuvers. Upon Further Review, for example.” Ruby T’Ambrose explained, “Which was fucking awesome by the way.”

“Thank God they have CGI now.” Yang said, excited for future seasons. If they went back to watching it after the summer that is, which the probability of it was rather low,

‘ _Please stop writing stuff like that_.’ Noire begged in her head.

 **Washington:**  The Reds? Hahaha! No. This is an actual military tactic. We drilled it all the time in training. No, whoever set this up is a Freelancer.

“Or, a Freelancer who really doesn’t like you and Freelancer.” Weiss added in.

 **Doc:**  Yeah, but if a Freelancer set this up, wouldn't they know that you guys were Freelancers, and that you would recognize this as soon as you saw it?

The girls’ eyes widened at the realization that Wash and the Meta were already in the trap, “Um, but Tex could easily kill them by now. Why isn’t she putting a bullet in their head from 100km away?” Yang asked,

“I’m gonna guess she wants to be… thorough.” Blake guessed.

 **Washington:**  What? No, you're overthinking it. That's just-

 _9 landmines begin to light up in a perfect circle around them_.

“Oh, looks like they got into quite the predicament.” Ruby stated as the others started to laugh evilly, “Oh, they are so dead.”

 **Washington:**  Oh, son of a bitch.

_One more lights up for good measure._

“ _Adding salt to the wound I see_.” Noire noted, “ _Just like K. Rool fans resigning for a Mii costume_ , _or Charizard becoming the first loser to lose in a normal Death Battle_.” She then turns to the side and mutters, “ _Goku doesn’t count because it was a rematch_. _And c’mon, Superman is limitless and while Goku can theoretically break all limits limitlessly, he still has limits_. _Anyway, the whole DC Universe was bullshit anyway_.”

 **Doc:**   _(sigh)_  Told you so.

“Boom.” The RWBYs and Noire said.

_The Meta, in all its infinite wisdom, gets off the turret and lands on a mine. The Warthog explodes, leaving Doc’s scanner, the Meta’s Bruteshot and Wash’s Battle Rifle behind._

The girls cheered as they saw the explosion, “WOO!” They all yelled out,

“Waitwaitwaitwait wait!” Blake spoke up, “Doc was in the Chupathingy! He could be dead!”

“Oh yeah…” The others said,

“Meh, fuck him. He sucks.” Yang replied off-handedly, “Anyway, he’s part of the Blood Gulch Crew. And as we know, they’re literally unkilliable.”

“Except for Donut.” Ruby sadly reminded everyone as they all sighed sadly, “Now I remember why I hate Washington.”

_Cut to Caboose approaching the Reds; undoubtedly to tell them his complete misunderstanding of what's going on_

“ _I have a feeling that he won_ ’ _t_.” Noire muttered,

“Um, what are you talking about?” Weiss asked. Noire looked up before looking at the Heiress,

“ _Nothing really_.” Noire answered. Weiss looked at Noire with a confused expression before shaking her head and went back to watching.

 **Caboose:**  Sergeant! Sergeant!

 **Sarge:**  What do you want, Blue?

 **Caboose:**  I need your help.

“Okay, I can already see a flaw in Caboose’s plan. That is not a great start for what is inevitably going to be another life-threatening rescue mission.” Blake said, “They’ve already went on two life-threatening rescue missions, I will be surprised if they went on another one.”

“And after the whole Red vs Blue war being a lie, Sarge probably isn’t going on one any time soon.” Yang added in, “Anyway, he’s never going to help Caboose.”

 **Simmons:**  Our help?

 **Caboose:**  Yes, Church is hurt, they must have gotten to him and Tex.

‘ _And thus_ , _we are back to when the original universe was destroyed_.’ Noire thought, ‘ _It_ ’ _ll be back next chapter_.’

(Original Universe!)

‘ _Or now_.’ Noire thought as she looked around, seeing her friends back to where they were before things got fucked up, ‘ _Ugh_ , _I hate this story_.’

“What are you think about Noire?” Blake asked, only to be ignored. She narrowed her eyes before going back to watching.

 **Grif:**  They got Tex? Good, that just means she won't be able to beat the hell out of us anymore.

“It was that one time!” Ruby called out, before pausing in thought, “…Okay, maybe she kicked the Reds’ ass a couple of times and sometimes the Blues and this is proceeding to become worse and worse for Tex and I really want her lose but she blew up Washington and the Meta but she also blew up Doc too which is really, really sad but Doc is kinda useless and sucks as a medic but he’s one of the Blood Gulch Crew and he’s as stupid as Donut, bless his soul, so he probably survive just in pain plus he can probably help Church but then again he’s a medic not a robotics engineer, actually though he’s barely a medic without a medical license who killed more than he can save and he’s a bit of a pussy but now he’s more sarcastic and mean probably from Omega but now he’s more annoying and I wanna shoot him in the face sometimes every time he talks and he’s wearing purple which really irritates me for some reason maybe because he’s supposed to be neutral to the conflict which was bullshit and he knew from the start that it was a war simulation which is inhumane and wrong in so many ways that I wanna grab the Director by the throat, stuff my hand in his mouth and start trying to pull out his tongue while I stab in him in the chest and kicking him in the gut while I Tsukuyomi him and show him the pain the Alpha felt when he was being tortured before cutting off his penis and force-feeding it to him as I stab him in the jugular, causing him to choke on his blood as it fills his lungs, drowning him in his own tears of blood and sorrow while I shit on his now dead corpse, peeing all over his face then smash his face open with a baseball bat which is wrapped in barbwire and sawblades which work and is made out of aluminum and steel that also has a gun on it which shoots plasma and lightning and fire and ice and water and poison and rocks and plastic and milk and strawberries and cunt foam and steam and toilet paper and pie and nuts and ice cream and milk and cookies and soup and snow and turkey and cake and turkey cake and my God I’m hungry maybe we should eat pie and nuts and ice cream and milk and cookies and soup and yogurt and turkey and cake and turkey cake and pizza and sushi and muffins and crab and Doritos and Mountain Dew and beef and cereal that’s way past its expiration date and bread and fish and puffer fish and doughnuts and hearts and snakes and ladders and frogs and dirt and steel and a dirty wash cloth and cars and a 1911 handgun and a karambit knife and night vision goggles and a sword and armour and a screwdriver and a witch and a book and cards and webs and a kangaroo and soda and adventure and a crown and math and English and books and a microphone and cheddar biscuits and breadsticks and what the fuck I am talking about? I think I lost my train of thought.” Her teammates only stared at her in amazement. They literally had no words. Well, apart from Noire,

“… _Oh_ , _you’re done_?” Noire said as she finished filing her nails, “ _Already_? _I thought you’d_ -“

“Oh right! I remember!”

“Daw, fuck.” WBY and Noire swore as Ruby prepared to continue,

‘ _You may wanna skip this part because it’s gonna be a bunch of bullshit_.’ Noire thought as Ruby started talking again, ‘ _No, literally, stop reading and skip to the next line of dialogue_. _For the love of God it’s gonna be_ -‘

“Anyway, cunt foam!”

‘ _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH_!’ Noire thought as she proceeded to cry along with the others.

(4 boring hours later)

Ruby took in a deep breath before saying the final thing she could really say right then and now, “Galit ako sa aking ina mula pa siya kaliwa ako, kapatid at ama nag-iisa. Alam ko ito ay na-taon dahil sa araw na iyon at makaligtaan ko sa kanya pero... kapag sa tingin ko ang tungkol dito sa lahat ng maaari kong pakiramdam ay galit sa kanyang para sa umaalis sa amin nag-iisa. Siguro isang araw ay maaaring patawarin ang aking sarili para sa hating sa kanya o hindi bababa sa ipaalam sa pumunta ng aking galit ngunit kailangan ko ng oras. Ang kailangan ko ay oras. Mangyaring, kung sinuman ay maaaring maunawaan kung ano ang sinasabi ko, mangyaring huwag sabihin kahit ano. Na ako ay nagkaroon ng sapat na mga tao aliw sa akin at wala pa ito tapos ngunit gumawa ako ng galit sa kanya ng mas maraming.” Noire only stared at Ruby at what she said, rather confused about what she said because it was very, very bad Spanish. Or Italian. Korean? Kyogre? Klingon even? Yeah, to say the least, Noire knew the general idea she just couldn’t really fully understand what Ruby was saying,

“Hey, I’m sure that’s poetic or something like that… but I have no fucking clue what you’ve just said for the past 4 hours.” Yang admitted,

“You’re finally done?” Blake said as she woke Weiss up,

“LOVE ME, SENPAI!” Weiss shouted out when she woke up, punching Yang in the face, “Huh, what? What happened? I spaced out like 2 minutes in.”

“Sorry, I just… I don’t know what came over me.” Ruby groaned, ignoring the fact that Yang had tackled Weiss and started choking her behind the couch, “I just sorta… talked.”

“ _I am surprised you said all of that shit in one breath_.” Noire said, “ _But still_ , _by some act of God_ , _better than having Nora here_. **_Somehow_**.” ‘ _I miss the alternate universe already_.’ “ _What the fuck is wrong with our lives_?”

“Everything.” Team RWBY answered without hesitation,

“Can please just go back to watching idiots do stupid things?” Yang begged as she dumped Weiss back onto her spot on the couch. They didn’t say anything else as they went back to watching, repressing the entire thing in their minds and acting like it didn’t happen,

‘ _And thus ends another brilliant and totally thoughtful conversation by Team RWBY_. _Team RWBY_ : _Yes, it’s confusing_.’ Noire thought, ‘ _Wait_ , _I already did this joke_. _God damn it_ , _we’re already running out of jokes_.’

 **Caboose:**  No we have to rescue them.

 **Grif:**  Rescue them, are you nuts? No one told them to leave, they're on their own.

 **Caboose:**  But they'll die! Sergeant please.

“Okay, there were already flaws in your previous sentence and now that entire sentence is a flaw.” Yang said, “Yeah, you’re not getting anywhere anytime soon Caboose.”

 **Grif:**  Uh hey dude, I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but if you wanna convince Sarge to do anything, I don't think the best argument is "The Blues might die if we don't."

“Well, they’re technically not Blues.” Blake pointed out, “But still I doubt Sarge will pick up his shotgun and say-“

 **Sarge:**  Cowboy up Caboose, I'm comin' with you.

“That.” Blake finished as the girls’ jaws dropped,

“Um, what the fuck did he just say?” Weiss asked, wondering if her hearing was messed up.

 **Grif:**  What?

 **Sarge:**  I said, I'm helping him

“You’re helping Caboose.” Ruby stated, “Who is part of a team you spent an entire two seasons trying to get back into the system… just so you could kill them. The Blues.”

 **Grif:**  Who, the blue guy? Why on Earth would you ever help a Blue for no reason?

“Okay, I have to agree with Grif, there has to be a reason why Sarge is helping.” Noire muttered, rather suspicious of the Red Sergeant.

 **Sarge:**  We need some weapons. How'd your equipment test go, Simmons?

 **Simmons:**  About as well as you would expect.

 **Sarge:**  Heuh, that's too bad.

“He’ll be facing against Washington and the Meta and Tex will probably kill him if he fucks up!” Yang exclaimed, “What are you doing Sarge?”

 **Grif:** Well I'm not going, and you can't make me.

“Well, no surprises there.” Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif:** You quit, remember? I don't take orders from you anymore, and besides, this whole command structure thing was bullshit anyway. We all know that now.

“Yeah, and they’ve already been on a couple of rescue missions already. I’m surprised Sarge wants to go on another one.” Weiss admitted.

 **Sarge:**  I'm not tellin' you ta go. I'm not even askin'.

 **Grif:** You're not?

“He’s not?” The RWBYs and Noire said with raised eyebrows.

 **Sarge:**  Nope. I'm goin'. That's it. You wanna come, come on. But I don't expect you to. Simmons will probably tell you that statistically, some of us will probably die.

“I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’ll be all of you.” Ruby guessed.

 **Simmons:**  All of us.

 **Sarge:**  All of us will probably die.

“ _And that’s the best case scenario_.” Noire stated.

 **Sarge:** But that's not what's important. Let me ask you two a question:  _You ever wonder why we're here?_

_Cue Rally_

The girls looked up as they heard the music swell. They looked at each other, confused with why Sarge would ask the biggest question in the series. They knew it was epic speech time, “Well, it is one of life’s greatest mysteries.” Yang said,

“You have lost all ounces of my respect for you Yang.” Weiss muttered as she groaned, “Anyway, back to the speech.”

 **Grif:**  ...

 **Simmons:**  ...

 **Grif:**  Um, it does seem to be one of life's great mysteries.

 **Sarge:**  No, I mean you! What are _you_ doing here? You always act like you wanna quit, but hell, you could've left whenever you wanted. No one would have stopped ya. So why are you here?

“He’s right.” Ruby spoke up, “Grif could’ve quit at any time. They didn’t really need him yet he’s still with the Blood Gulch Crew.”

‘ _Modified version of this reaction by antamous_.’ Noire thought, now ready to enjoy the speech.

 **Sarge:** And you, Simmons.

 **Simmons:**  Me?

 **Sarge:** You say you wanna be in charge. They would have given you your own squad a dozen times over. You know it, and I know it. But you're still, here.

“Yeah, he could’ve done that too.” Blake realized, with everyone now getting into the speech.

 **Sarge:** And you Tucker. As much as I hate to admit it, you're actually good at being a soldier.

 **Tucker:**  I am?

 **Sarge:**  I know you like to make your rude comments, pretend like it all doesn't matter. But an entire alien race chose you to be their hero! So why are you here?

“Well, not much of a hero but still, being an ambassador for an entire species is… amazing.” Yang admitted, “Plus, he became a great soldier out of that.”

“ _Plus Junior_!” Noire called out before realizing something, ‘ _Wait_ , _WHERE THE FUCK IS JUNIOR_!? _Don’t you fucking tell me he’s still in the fucking desert_.’

 **Sarge:** And Caboose... Uuhhh, it's good to see you.

“Yeah, he’s just there because he really doesn’t know anything else.” Weiss muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Thanks. I'm really enjoying the speech so far.

“Us too!” Ruby exclaimed as everyone shouted in agreement.

 **Sarge:**  Maybe you're all here because this is the only place you fit in. Maybe you're here because you don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe you're all here, because deep down, you want to be here. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here! For all we know, Tex and Church are dead. That means we're the only ones who know what's happened; the only ones who can prevent them from covering it up. So the way I figure it, these Freelancer guys, wanna use us, take us away from our families, and send us all over the dag gum galaxy just to test if their agents are ready for the big fight? Well, I guess I'm interested in showing 'em, exactly what a big fight is all about. Time to clean the slate. So I'm not ordering you to go. I ain't even askin'. You do, what you gotta do Private Grif.

 **Grif:**  …Hhh, I'll go get my car keys.

“LET’S GO SAVE CHURCH & TEX AND KICK THE META AND WASHINGTON’S FUCKING ASS!” Ruby yelled out,

“YEAH!” The others shouted out as they all ran out the room… before going back in,

“We’re not there.” Yang said tonelessly as they all sat back down, a few of them coughing just to relieve the awkwardness, “That was… awkward.”

“Yeah… not one of the smartest things we’ve ever done.” Blake stated as they all sighed, “So, yeah, great speech. Woo.”

“WOO!” The others called out,

“LET’S WATCH THEM KICK ASS!” Ruby yelled out,

“YEAH!” The others shouted out as they all stood back up… before sitting back down and continue watching.

 **Sarge:**  Ah, alright then. Let's move.

 **Simmons:**  I don't think a jeep will get us there soon enough. But I think I know what we can use.

“Tank, tank, tank, tank, tank…” Yang begged as she leaned forward,

“ _A tank won’t get them there fast enough_ …” Noire pointed out,

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!”

‘And the Fetish Train returns.’ Everyone else thought as they all sweatdropped.

_They all file into a room_

They had to admit, the music playing right now was getting them pumped up for the fight for Epsilon and Tex.

 **Simmons:**  This!

“What did Simmons find?” Ruby asked, annoyed that they couldn’t see it,

“Whatever it is, it better get to Church and Tex fast.” Weiss replied, worried for Church.

 **Grif:**  Who the hell is gonna drive that?

The RWBYs and Noire didn’t say anything, they just all focused their haze at Grif, “Digging your own grave, Grif. Digging your own grave.” Weiss giggled. The others couldn’t help but laugh as well.

_Everyone stares at Grif._

**Grif:**  Why is everyone looking at me?

“So, it’s the Reds and Blues to the rescue!” Ruby called out, “Even though there is a high chance that they’ll die.”

“At least Tex will have some back up.” Weiss muttered,

“But the question is: Are they going to make it in time to save Church and Tex?” Blake pointed out, “Or even if they actually need saving. Specifically Tex.”

“She will need saving.” Yang said, “I know she kicked ass when she was revived but that was only against the Reds and Tucker. This is the _Meta_ and another Freelancer. The Meta got the original Tex and Washington is pretty good. If they aren’t dead, and I’m pretty sure that they aren’t dead, let’s hope that she used the prep time effectively.”

“ _What makes you think_ -“ Noire was about to ask, before remembering that Wash survived being run over and blown up and the Meta eating bullets from a minigun, “ _Oh_ … _she might need the backup_ , _even if it means making them meat shields_ , _it’s better to have a team watching your back_.”

“Well, we won’t know until we see it.” Yang spoke up as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Reunion)**

_Wash's perspective. We see Wash staring at his bloody hands before seeing Doc lying by the Warthog, and a blurry black figure in the distance._

“Well, he’s still alive.” Weiss muttered bitterly, “Pretty beat up but still alive.”

 **Washington (thinking)** : *cough* *cough* It can't be... Tex?

“Oh, here comes hell Mr. Washington.” Yang chuckled evilly.

_Wash looks around frantically before diving for his Battle Rifle, but is stopped by Tex_

**Washington** : You're supposed to be dead.

“You too as well, Washingtub. But I guess not everyone can get what they want.” Ruby said, “Plus, you’d be surprised how people die then be inexplicitly okay in like, the next episode or season.”

“ _Which is pretty much every comic book, actual book, anime and soap opera_.” Noire added in, “… _I am perfectly okay with the first three_.”

“Amen.” Blake responded.

 **Tex** : Don't sound so disappointed. You'll make me cry. Where's the Director?

 **Washington** : The Director? How would I know that?

“Yeah, why do you think they need Epsilon?” Ruby asked rhetorically, “They need him to arrest the Director.”

“Then again, they didn’t really have time to talk about why they need Epsilon.” Blake pointed out, “And Epsilon doesn’t exactly know yet so I doubt Tex is going to find the Director any time soon.”

“Still, revenge for Donut does sound nice.” Yang said before grinning evilly, “KICK HIS ASS TEX!”

 **Tex** :  _(tuts)_  Wrong answer....

 _She goes to shoot him, but the Meta tackles her and sends her flying off Wash. He charges forward but Tex catches him in a powerful punch, knocking him to the ground. With a growl of anger, the Meta jumps up and throws powerful jabs at Tex, which she blocks. Tex then knees Meta in the head and kicks him back._   _Tex then pulls out a detonator._

“Wait, what is she doing now?” Weiss asked, “Hold on, are there more bombs!?”

“ _I don’t think Tex was that prepared_.” Noire replied.

_She activates the detonator and sets off some explosives by her feet, revealing a powerful chain gun which she grabs in midair before swinging it towards the Meta and opening fire._

“Okay, maybe she is.” Ruby said, now getting excited, “Come on Tex!”

“The Meta ate bullets from that gun, but points for effort.” Weiss muttered.

 _With a growl of shock, the Meta runs across the field before diving behind an icy boulder._   _Behind her, Wash gets to his feet and whips out the capture unit, unveiling a large spike._

“That does not look healthy.” Blake said, wincing as the large spike came out,

“Yeah, turning storage units into shivs. That totally isn’t illegal.” Yang said sarcastically, “Oh, I see stabbing in the future.”

“ _But which one will_?” Noire asked.

_At that moment, Tex's gun runs out of ammo and the Meta takes this moment to return fire with his pistol. Tex ducks behind an icy stalagmite, smashes through the ice and draws out two Battle Rifles which she fires at the Meta._

“How much time did Tex have?” Blake asked, “And how many surprises has she set up?”

“Hopefully, enough to take down the Meta at least.” Ruby responded, “You can do it Tex! Kick ‘em in the balls!”

“I’m pretty sure they don’t have any.” Yang said, enjoying the fight so far,

_Wash runs up to her and thrusts the unit's spike at her, parrying one of her guns away._

“While suppressing the Meta is a good strategy, she should’ve at least kept an eye on Washington.” Weiss stated, “Which would’ve been a lot easier if she had someone watching her back. Washington isn’t a Freelancer for nothing.”

“ _They don’t need Tex_ , _they need Epsilon_. _No point in capturing Tex_.” Noire muttered, “ _I am just wondering whose idea was it to make a capture unit double as a shiv_. _What is the chance that an A.I. will possess a robot and run away_?”

“It probably happened before… unless it doesn’t involve…. a robot… body…” Ruby said slowly as the girls had a horrible realization, “Oh, you sick motherfuckers.”

_But she ducks the blow and knocks it out of his hands and towards the giant cliff._

**Washington** : NO!

“YES!” Team RWBY & Noire cheered out.

_Wash dives for it, preventing it from going over into an abyss_

“NO!” The RWBY & Noire loudly sobbed out,

“FUCK YOU FOR TEASING US!” Weiss shouted out.

 **Washington:** Be more careful, this thing can't take any more hits!

“And yet it’s a fucking shiv! A very large, very cumbersome, very-easy-to-disarm shiv!” Yang yelled out, “I don’t know but I know whose winning Hypocrite of the Year!”

“ _At least it’s better than Douchebag of the Year_.” Noire muttered, “ _Which goes to the Director_.”

“You know, it feels like this summer has lasted two years.” Ruby spoke up, “Like, has anyone felt days feel… longer?”

“Really? It feels like these days are really shorter for me.” Blake admitted,

“I feel like every fucking second, life is being sucked out of my pores and my asshole so can we please just finish this so we can finally leave!?” Weiss shouted out. This quickly ended the conversation and they went back to watching.

_Cut to Church and Doc._

**Doc** : Church! Are you okay?

“Doc, you can’t help Church but at least you can try.” Ruby said, “Rub some aloe or something on the wound.”

 **Church** : She fuckin' shot me! What is wrong with her?

“I can list off a number of things, but you have the same problem as well.” Blake pointed out; remembering the time Church shot Caboose and the number of things that could be boiled down to Church’s fault. For example, following Tex when it was rather clear now that she thought about it that she was going to do something bad to Epsilon.

 **Doc** : She did? That's what brought us to you!

 **Church** : I know! She meant to do that!

 **Doc** : Well she's paying for it now.

“Let’s just hope she doesn’t pay it with her life.” Yang said as they went back to watching the fight, “Come on, go Tex!”

_Cut back to Tex, Wash and Meta. Meta has Tex pinned to the ground, trying to wrestle her gun away while she shoots but she kicks him backwards towards a wall of ice. As Washington rejoins his colleague, she jumps to her feet and pulls out another detonator_

“ _Is she going to get another gun_?” Noire asked, “ _And_ _how many detonators does she have_?”

 **Washington** : Is that a...

_Tex presses the button and a loud beeping starts behind them. Wash and the Meta spin around and see a row of mines built into the wall_

“I don’t think that’s another gun…” Weiss said, “…How much time did Tex have? And where did she get all that stuff? I know it’s a Freelancer base but fucking Hell, they really shouldn’t have that many explosives.”

 **Washington** : ...Mountain?

“Well, on the bright side, it isn’t a car this time.” Ruby said, “Just an avalanche. Unless Tex has more guns… a gun-avalanche maybe?”

_The mines go off and the wall shatters into huge blocks that go tumbling towards the two ex-Freelancers, who set off running. Wash stabs at Tex again with the unit but she ducks aside and kicks him away. Then the Meta charges forward, picking up the unit._

**Washington** : Meta, take it! Hit her!

“Come on Tex, you can do this!” Blake cheered out, “Take ‘em out!”

“She can’t beat them alone.” Yang reminded everyone, “But she can at least hold them off, KEEP IT UP TEX!”

_As the icicle blocks crash around them, the Meta grabs the unit and swings out at Tex, but she ducks away. Wash then leaps up to do a jump-kick at Tex's head but she dodges and flings him to the ground, with Wash grabbing Tex's Battle Rifle before he falls. The Meta then kicks her in the chest, right under a huge shard of ice! Quickly she rolls away to avoid getting crushed, but the Meta kicks it out at her. Luckily, she jumps onto it and flips away._

“ _You can do this Tex_!” Noire shouted out, ‘ _At least hold them off long enough for the Reds and Blues to get there_.’ “ _Don’t you fucking dare die again_!”

“WE’RE NOT LOSING ANOTHER TEX!” The RWBYs and Noire shouted out in unison.

_Wash leaps onto another large icicle and runs along its length, firing at Tex. She lands on a block and vaults over it, followed closely by the Meta. As Tex lands, a boulder lands behind her and she strikes it, launching it towards the other two. Wash ducks aside and the Meta jumps off it towards Tex. She runs up another icicle and intercepts him in midair, grabbing him by the chin and cracking his back over her shoulders. As she lands, she throws him up and kicks him in the back towards Wash, who dives out of the way._

“Okay, the Meta would’ve definitely been paralyzed by that!” Yang called out,

“Too bad its pain receptors are shot.” Blake muttered, “Along with a whole lot of things in its brain. Though, if I have to give them anything, they have amazing teamwork. Probably from their Freelancer days.”

_Wash then raises his Battle Rifle and fires at Tex but she dives behind an icy boulder where, after a moment of delay, she draws out a third detonator and hits the button. At once a line of charges go off under the ice twenty feet from her and as the mountain shelf begins to crumble, she takes off for the safety of the other side, but Wash fires at her and she screams in pain as the bullet hits her shoulder, landing on the (relative) safety of the ice sheet._

“No! Damn it! Fuck!” Ruby swore, “Argh, at least she’s safe.”

“And let’s hope this avalanche will drag them to a watery grave.” Weiss added in.

 **Washington:** Oh my God.

_Wash suddenly realizes that the ground is moving and he looks round to see the shelf cracking and breaking as it falls towards the icy water below._

**Washington** : RUN!

“ _GO TO HELL_!” Noire yelled out.

_Wash and the Meta tear across the shelf towards the ever-more distant ledge, leaping over cracks and side-stepping the sliding boulders._

“Shit, they’re going to make it and Tex is hurt!” Yang exclaimed, “Fucking hell, I knew she couldn’t handle them alone!”

“She might make it, just hope the Blood Gulch Crew gets there in time.” Ruby responded, though there was doubt in her voice, ‘Hurry up, you guys. Hurry up!’

_As they reach the edge of the shelf, the Meta spots his Bruteshot falling over the cliff and leaps straight towards it._

“ _And I totally saw the Meta betraying the Washington_.” Noire spoke up, “ _Oh_ , _this isn’t going to end well_.”

 **Washington** : META! Wait, I... ( _Meta grabs his weapon, and uses the combat side as an ice pick to hold him in place._ ) God-dammit!

_Zoom in on Doc, waving the Warthog's tow hook._

**Doc** : ( _Waving the Warthogs tow hook_ ) WASH! Here! Take this!

“What the Hell are you doing Doc!?” Weiss shouted out, “Why are you helping the enemy!?”

“Well, it’s either Stockholm Syndrome is in effect or Doc genuinely sees him as a friend or at least someone worth saving.” Blake guessed, “Though, I doubt the second reason.”

 **Washington** : DOC?! Throw it, throw it!  _(Waves his hands above his head, signaling for the throw)_

 **Doc** : Here it comes! ( _He throws, and it falls short_ )

The girls could only sweatdrop and facepalm and the pathetic throw from Doc, “ _Kinda speaks about his character really_.” Noire admitted, “ _No real power_ , _doesn’t go that far_ , _quickly tires out the tosser,_ _pretty pathetic no matter how you look at it and overall something people should laugh at_. _Which we now will_.” And they proceeded to do just that, except for Weiss,

“Oh my God, that has to be the worst throw ever!” Ruby called out between fits of laughter,

“Of all time.” Weiss added in before pausing the episode, calmly standing up from her spot, leaving the room, have some “me time” with Sharkie-chan, completely wiping the Teacher’s Lounge from this plane of existence (No bullshit, she sent it to another dimension with just her rage) before returning to her seat, “Sorry for the interruption, I just needed some time to myself.”

“Oh, we understand.” Yang spoke for her teammates and Noire, who were too stunned by Weiss’ power in Aura Mode. Though, considering she may have done something similar two years ago, it wasn’t that much of a shock to Ruby but still had a mini heart attack at how awesome Weiss was turning a Grimm inside out. They decided that it was best for their sanity, which they doubted they still have at this point, to put it in the back of their minds and continue watching.

 **Washington** : ( _exasperated_ ) You've got to be kidding me... ( _Nevertheless, he jumps for it, grabbing the rope and climbing up. At the top he hauls himself up._ ) That was the  _second_  worst throw, ever, of all time.

Ruby, Blake, Yang and Noire turned to look at Weiss, who was performing breathing exercises and other calming techniques, like thinking about her loved ones (For example: Winter, Ruby, Blake, Yang etc) describing in detail what she would do to the Reds and Blues if they didn’t fucking come to help Tex and Church right now, all while her teammates were shifting away from her when she started mentioning satanic rituals, turning into a devil and shameless plug-ins.

 **Doc** : What d' you want from me? I ran track in high school.

_Meta runs at Tex as she struggles to her feet._

“Oh shit, this isn’t good.” Blake muttered, “Tex’s shot and the Meta doesn’t seem even affected by everything.”

“Come on Tex! Get up! You can do this!” Ruby yelled out, though she knew that it was futile.

_As the Meta swings the blade end of his Bruteshot at her, she parries it with her combat knife then punches him back. As he stumbles back, she dashes forward and slashes across his stomach then stabs him in his left shoulder. With a growl, the Meta aims his Bruteshot at the ground and fires, sending them flying and knocking Tex down._

“Damn it, TEX!” The RWBYs and Noire shouted out,

“She… she isn’t going to make it.” Blake said grimly,

“YOU DON’T KNOW THAT!” Ruby yelled at the cat Faunus before going back to the TV, “Tex, please! I don’t wanna lose another Tex! You’ve hurt people, and that I can’t forgive, but you did it for the greater good! And sure, you may not be the best person, but at least you’re better than these guys. So get up, and kick their fucking asses!” Her teammates then started to notice that Ruby was crying, “Please, don’t die…”

_Wash runs up to them as the Meta grabs the capture unit and hauls Tex to her feet by the neck._

“Tex, please, get out of there!” Ruby begged, “Why aren’t the Reds and Blues there already!? Come on, someone stop it!”

“This won’t be pretty.” Yang said before bracing herself, along with her teammates.

 **Washington** : Meta, wait! We don't need to hurt her, we only need-

_The Meta grabs her by the neck, lifts her up and stabs the memory unit's spike straight into Tex's visor, causing her body to twitch and spasm. A blood red light emerges from the hole in her face as she is absorbed into the capture unit._

“NO!” Ruby cried out, her cloak now started turning white as she clutched her head, “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT NO! NO! NO!”

“Ruby, calm down!” Weiss called out, worried that if she didn’t something the side effect of Ruby’s Aura Mode would kill her partner,

“WE LOST ANOTHER TEX! KILLED AGAIN BY A FUCKING ASSHOLE! HOW CAN I BE CALM!?” Ruby retorted, her irises now blood red and her hair starting to turn white. The power Ruby was exerting was immense, much more powerful than Yang’s even, and was actually crushing them. Before it did any real damage suddenly stopping and everything returning to normal, “I’m sad.” Ruby said quietly, “I’m sad.”

“Come here.” Yang said before hugging her sister, letting her sob into her chest, as everyone else joined in, “Everything’s alright.”

“Another reason to watch the Meta die.” Blake growled.

 **Church** : NO!

_With a growl of satisfaction, the Meta draws the unit out and flings Tex's body towards the stunned Church._

“ _God_ , _I know she’s a robot_ , _but fucking Hell that was brutal_.” Noire admitted, “ _Fuck_ , _I can’t get out of my head what would happen if it happened to an actual person_.”

“She was a person, you fucking bitch.” Ruby muttered before managing to collect herself.

 **Church** : Stop! Let her outta that thing!

“I doubt they would have a way for Epsilon to escape and Washington doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the condition the unit is in. She’s trapped in there, Church, and there’s no way she’s getting out.” Blake said regretfully, “I knew it; I knew she would end up destroying herself.”

 **Washington**  We can't. The unit is failing. Epsilon, it's over. You're coming with us.

“It isn’t over!” Ruby yelled out, “It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings! And what I mean by ‘fat lady’, I mean Grif. And by ‘sings’, I mean all the other Reds and Blues coming to kick your fucking ass!” The others looked at Ruby with confused expressions, trying to figure out how that made sense, before turning back to the screen.

 **Church** : I'm not going anywhere with you! We can fight you!

 **Doc** : We can?

 **Church** : We will!

“They’re doomed.” Weiss simple said as her teammates and Noire had deadpanned expressions on their faces as they took a trip down memory lane, reliving the epic failures of Church and Doc, “And, um, have you not been paying attention to the fucking fight? They would destroy you!”

“Please don’t remind people of that.” Yang growled out when she heard Ruby whimper, “But yeah, they are so fucked.”

 **Doc** : ( _exasperated_ ) Aw great.

 **Washington** : I'm sorry to hear that. Meta, give me the memory unit. ( _The Meta doesn't respond)_  Meta?

“ _Oh no_ …” Noire said, horrified, as she realized the consequences of Tex’s death were starting to take effect and slowly, so did the others.

_Meta is staring at the unit in his hands. He looks at Wash_

“No, please God no…” (Ruby)

“Fuck. FUCK!” (Weiss)

“Oh dear God, no!” (Blake)

“It’s back… oh God, it’s fucking back!” (Yang)

Everyone looked at each other with fear prominent in their eyes. They knew the four words that they dared not to say but they kept repeating in their minds, hoping it was a horrible dream but they knew it was a horrible reality.

The Meta was back.

 **Washington** : Meta! NO! Don't...

_Meta attaches the unit to his back and becomes invisible._

“NO!” They all shouted out,

“ _First Church gets shot_ , _and then Tex dies_ , _and now the fucking Meta is a monster again with all its equipment back online, using Tex to run its equipment_. _Fucking Hell_ , _they are not getting a fucking break_!” Noire called out, “ _Great idea Chairman for letting the A.I. hungry monster psychopath hunt down an A.I. by the way_! _I am surprised your facilities haven’t blown up yet_!”

“God damn it, it’s going to be Out of Mind and Reconstruction if they can’t stop it!” Ruby exclaimed, “We are not going through that shit again, both us and the BGC!”

 **Washington** : Dammit! Doc, you have to protect Epsilon!

 **Doc** : What do I do?!

 **Washington** (& RWBY and Noire): RUN!

_Meta charges past him, then proceeds to shoot at Epsilon-Church and Doc. Quickly, Wash jumps onto the Meta's back and throws his arms around his neck._

**Washington** _:_ I'll try to hold him!

“It isn’t going to work but at least he’s trying.” Blake admitted, “But no matter what, this is going to end badly.”

_Meta throws him off and continues to shoot. Wash retaliates but is knocked off balance by a shot from the Bruteshot. Meta calmly advances on him._

**Washington** : I knew you would do this, Meta. I just can't believe... ( _His voice trails off as he looks over the Meta's shoulder._ )

“Wait, what’s happening?” Weiss spoke up, “What is Washington seeing?” The girls looked at each other before realizing what it might be. Or more specifically, _who_ it might be.

 **Washington:** Can't believe... ( _The two have spotted something in the sky, trailing black smoke_ ) I can't believe it.

_It is revealed to be a Pelican, badly damaged, with Grif behind the wheel. Sarge, Caboose, Simmons and Tucker can also be seen inside._

“Spaceship…” Yang drooled while she proceeded to ruin her underwear,

“ _Kept us waiting_ , _huh_?” Noire said with a smirk, “ _You guys could’ve hurried up but better late than never_.”

“Um, I’m happy that they’re here now though it would’ve been really nice of them to arrive earlier, but the last time a Grif flew a spaceship, it landed on Donut.” Ruby reminded everyone, before sighing sadly,

“Well let’s hope that it lands on the Meta.” Blake said, snapping out of her trance.

 **Sarge** : There they are! Land right next to them!

 **Grif** : Right... _land_...

“Well, Sister definitely takes after her brother.” Blake deadpanned, “Isn’t that right Yang?”

“Oh my God, WHEN WILL YOU STOP THAT SHIT!?” Yang yelled out,

“Until it stops being funny.” Ruby replied with a giggle.

 **Sarge** : You do know how to land this vehicle, don't you?

 **Grif** : Sure, that just means “stop flying”, right?

“Welp, that was expected.” Weiss muttered as she shook her head before being tackled by Yang,

“Why does every goddamn vehicle have to die!?” Yang cried out as she cried into Weiss’ jacket. The Heiress just sighed again and patted the Brawler’s back while growling at Ruby, Blake and Noire for not helping her again.

 **Sarge** : Brace for impact!

 **Tucker** : Oh shit! This is gonna suck!

 **Caboose** : ...I still haven't got my peanuts.

“Well, there’s definitely going to be a lot of ‘pee’ and ‘nuts’ after this.” Blake spoke up, “HIT THE DECK!”

_The Pelican quickly drops toward the surface and crashes. Meta and Wash jump out of the way to avoid it. The Pelican finally comes to a stop, with the Reds pressed against the glass, almost crushing a cowering Doc._

**Grif:** Ow.

 **Doc** : Wow! That was a close one!

“No kidding.” Ruby said, “The amount of times these guys have almost died is insane.”

“ _They are the luckiest son of bitches in the galaxy_.” Noire pointed out.

 **Washington** : ( _coming out from behind a tree)_ I would say that was the cavalry, but I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before.

“Then you haven’t met us yet.” Yang said as she high fived Ruby, while Blake and Weiss just groaned, “We’re awesome like that.”

“Sometimes I wonder if Yang even knows the definition of ‘limit’ or ‘impossible’.” Blake muttered.

 **Church** :  _(from behind the same tree)_  Heeyy. Is it possible for a memory fragment out of an artificial intelligence program enclosed inside a robotic body to piss its pants? Because I'm pretty sure I just did that.

“I think he just pooted his exhaust port.” Weiss joked, getting a laugh out of her teammates.

 **Washington** : Come on, let's go see how many of your friends survived that.

 **Church** : You know, they're not really my friends.

 **Washington** : That's okay; I'm sure none of them really survived.

“I’m going to guess they did.” Ruby muttered, “The series would be over if they did.”

“ _Unless they replace characters_.” Noire added in.

_Cut to Sarge and Grif_

**Sarge** : Grif! Look what you did to our ship!

 **Grif** : Aw fuck it, it's a rental.

“Rented for the low, low price of stolen!” Ruby said in a voice mocking commercials, “Come down to the Freelancer Secure Backup Facility and steal your own Pelican! Don’t worry, we’re fucking useless at keeping track of our shit and we’re corrupt as devils from Hell so don’t feel guilty if you have to shoot us in the face! Open 24/7, 365, all that bullshit! Sponsored by Project Freelancer: go to Hell you fucking assholes, we don’t care if you die! We’re only in it for the sick and twisted feeling of pleasure when we see people die.” Her teammates started laughing at the joke before they went back to watching.

 **Sarge** : Good point. Fuck it. ( _he kicks the Pelican, which causes it to fall over the side and into the icy water.)_

“Oh, don’t you fucking dare Xiao Long!” Weiss growled out as she froze Yang in place before she could destroy the TV, “It’s just a…” Weiss trailed off as she realized the sentence wasn’t going to make her a hypocrite, “Just don’t destroy the TV.” She said Yang got out of the ice cube and went back to her spot.

_Church runs over to the group, Wash not far behind._

**Church** : Has anybody seen Tex?

“Crap, where’s the memory unit?” Blake asked, “No wait, where’s the Meta!?”

“Maybe it got ran over by the spaceship.” Yang guessed, “What’s it called?”

“ _It’s called the Dropship 77-Troop Carrier_ , _more commonly known the_ ‘ _Pelican’_.” Noire explained, “ _Manufactured by the Misriah Armory_ , _the Pelican is mainly used for the rapid insertion and extraction of ground troops_. _They may deliver vehicles and vital equipment to the battlefield when required_. _The D77-TC has been in service for over fifty years_ , _and is the primary tactical support aircraft of the UNSC_. _The Pelican is a multi-role aircraft_ ; _it is fully capable of atmospheric flight and can land almost anywhere without difficulty_. _It is also capable of limited space flight and is usually equipped with one chin-mounted auto-cannon_ , _and is optionally equipped with two ANVIL-II ASM pods or in layman terms missile launchers_ , _holding around 8 each_ , _or the AIE-486H Heavy Machine Gun or M247 General Purpose Machine Gun_.”

“Please stop.” Blake begged, having now just noticed the smell in the room and the now unconscious Yang, who had a goofy smile on her face,

“ _I’ll stop for now_.” Noire replied with a sickly sweet smile, ‘ _But continue on a later date_. _Thank you Halo wiki_.’ Noire mentally added. When Yang woke up and returned from the bathroom, they continued the episode.

 **Washington** : I'm sorry Epsilon. The Meta captured her inside of the memory unit.

 **Church** : There it is! ( _he and the others run over to it_ ) She's here!

“Seriously, where is the Meta? It shouldn’t have lost the unit that easily.” Ruby pointed out, “Something isn’t right.”

 **Washington** : Epsilon, there's nothing we can do. She's stuck in there.

 **Church** : So let her out.

 **Washington** : We rigged it so it's one way. We didn't want you to escape again.

“Well, he’s not going to leave until Tex is out.” Blake said, “So good job, you fucking prick.”

 **Church** : Well,  _un_ rig it!

 **Washington** : I need to get it to a lab. Somewhere with tools.

“Wait, he’s helping?” Yang said, actually taken aback by Wash’s decision to do so, “No hesitation? No catch? Why would he help?”

“Probably to get onto Epsilon’s good side.” Weiss answered.

 **Church** : Simmons?

 **Simmons** : Hey, he's the expert. I don't know what I can do to help.

 **Washington** : And it's in no condition to move. If it locks down before I can open it, she'll be trapped in there.

“ _How badly damaged was the Epsilon unit_?” Noire muttered, “ _Fuck_ , _they need to improve the quality of this stuff_.”

 **Simmons** : We should try something.

 **Washington** : If I let her out, you have to come with me.

 **Church** : Yes, fine, just get her out.

“At this point, I don’t care if Wash doesn’t die, I just want Tex back.” Ruby admitted, “As long as the Director pays and the Meta is dead.”

“ _Hey_ , _you just said_ ‘ _Wash’_.” Noire noted,

“What do you mean by that?”

“ _Oh_ , _nothing_ …” Noire said with a mischievous look on her face. The others just shrugged when Ruby tried consult with her teammates about what she meant.

 **Washington** : ( _turns to the other Blues_ ) Caboose, Tucker, get in the base. See if you can find some tools.

 **Caboose** : Okay!

 **Tucker** : Alright! I'll be right back!

“Alright, time to save Tex.” Blake said, “…Hopefully.”

_The two run off. Wash turns to the Reds._

**Washington** : You three find me anything that has power. Anything and everything. We're going to need a lot to keep it online.

“I doubt that they’ll be able to save Tex from the memory unit, but hey, they are full of surprises.” Weiss admitted, “Let’s hope they prove me wrong.”

 **Sarge** : ( _running off with the Grif and Simmons_ ) On it!

 **Church** : I can get her out.

“Wait, what are you…” Yang started before realizing what Church was implying, “No. No, you are not going into the Epsilon unit!”

“What the Hell!? We just lost Tex, we are not losing you!” Ruby yelled out, “Come on, don’t do this!”

 **Washington** : What? No.

 **Church** : It's my only option.

“ _No it isn’t_! _Wash can save Tex_!” Noire called out, “ _Although the chances are small_ , _if Church goes in there_ , _it’s all or nothing_.”

 **Washington** : I need you Epsilon. You're my only ticket out of this mess. If you get stuck in there, they'll never believe me, I'm  _not_  going back to prison.

“That’s not a good enough of a reason, Wash.” Blake said, “At this point, Church doesn’t care about anyone except Tex.”

 **Church** : I can do it.

 **Washington** : No, I won't let you.

 **Church** : You can't stop me. I have to help her. She's here because of us.

“Um, what does he mean by that?” Weiss muttered to herself.

 **Washington** : Because of me?

 **Church** : Not you,  _us_. Me, and Alpha, and the Director.

 **Washington** : You've started to remember.

“The one the Director lost.” Ruby whispered out, “The reason Project Freelancer exists, the reason why the entire series exists, the reason why all those people died.”

 **Church** : I found some journals from the Director. She's someone from his life. Someone he loved...

 **Washington** : Allison. Her name was Allison.

“ _Makes sense considering_.” Noire said with a shrug, “ _Not really fancy_ , _but means_ ‘ _Of holy fame’_. _Plus_ , _Wyoming called her that way back when_. _Nice_.”

“And more reasons why the Director is disgracing her name.” Yang added in.

 **Church** : Allison... When they made Alpha, she came back. She was a byproduct of the process.

 **Washington** : She's just a shadow.

“DON’T CALL HER THAT!” The girls shouted out,

“She’s more than just a shadow.” Weiss growled before saying in a softer tone, “She’s… she’s someone. She’s someone that… can’t be defined.”

 **Church** :  _Don't_  call her that! She died in her real life, and that's all the Director ever remembered of her. So now, no matter how tough she is, no matter how hard she fights, she's always going to  _fail_! Because that's what she's based on. No matter what she's doing, or what she's trying to accomplish,  _just_  when her goal is within her reach, it gets yanked away. Every. Single. Time.

Suddenly, it all made sense to the RWBYs. All the pieces had finally fallen into place.

Why she failed to capture the Reds’ flag back in Season 1.

Why her plan to kill all the Reds failed horribly.

Why she failed to kill O’Malley numerous times throughout the Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Why she failed to get information out of Wyoming.

Why she failed to strike a deal with Omega back in Caboose’s head.

Why she failed to noticed the bomb on the ship and why she was captured by the Meta.

Why she failed to kill the Reds and Tucker.

Why she failed to save the Alpha.

 And finally, why she failed to take down the Meta and Wash and ended up in the unit in the first place.

She was born to fail. And that what’s all she’s good for.

“Tex… Tex isn’t a fragment. She’s a byproduct.” Ruby realized, “The Alpha was created, the entire Project was created, because of the Director’s failure to save Allison. You can’t shed failure from your mind. Tex isn’t based on Church’s failures… she’s based on the Director’s. That’s why she’s Tex, she’s the constant reminder of what the Director could’ve done to save her.”

“ _And now she’s in a failing unit and unlikely to get out_.” Noire said as she sighed sadly, “ _That’s just_ … _sad_. _To only remember their death and nothing more_? _It’s so_ … _so_ …”

“Wrong.” Blake finished off, “You question if he really loved her. This is so messed up.”

“This whole thing is messed up.” Yang muttered.

 **Church:** Can you imagine what that's like?

_The memory unit lifts in the air, revealed to be on the back of the Meta, who, invisible, has been present the whole time._

“Oh…” The RWBYs and Noire could only say as they saw the memory unit float into the air,

“So, that’s where the Meta was.” Yang chuckled nervously, “Oh yeah, they’re so fucked.”

 **Washington** : I think I'm getting the idea...

 **Church** : Uh oh...

 **Meta** :  _(growls loudly)_

“Well, things are certainly starting to intensify.” Weiss said as she shifted a little in her seat in an effort to try and get comfortable,

“And I think this is it.” Ruby spoke up, actually rather nervous, “This is it. The last episode before we leave. I didn’t think it would actually come.”

“Getting cold fee?” Weiss asked,

“No, just, wow. We’re finally leaving after all this time…” Ruby muttered, “God, dad is gonna ground us so hard.”

“I know.” Yang said with a sigh, “Goddamn it, there goes our summer.”

“Our summer was gone as soon as we got trapped here.” Blake pointed out, “Though it would be nice to interact with other people once again.”

“ _Yeah_. _Cool_. _Woo_. _Yay_.” Noire mumbled tonelessly, “ _Good for you_...”

“Hey, what’s your problem? We’re gonna bring you along, despite everything you’ve done.” Blake said,

“ _Nah_ , _I’d rather stay here_. _I was born here after all_.” Noire replied, trying to sound normal but was failing horribly, ‘ _And I_ ’ _ll die in this god forsaken place as well_.’ Now Noire’s mood was starting to affect everyone in the room as she got more and more depressed, “ _Just do the speech and end it already_.”

“Um, okay.” Ruby said, now somewhat down, before perking up, “Alright, Tex is in the memory and the Meta’s back and just as dangerous as it was before! Wash is an ally again and the Reds and Blues are ready to help! What will happen? What are the consequences of these actions? Who will die!? It’s time to find out, it’s time to finish the Recollection! It’s the finale of Red vs Blue: Revelation!” And with a sigh and a heavy heart, Noire picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(n+1)**

**Grif:** Simmons, what are we looking for?

 **Simmons** : Power cells, batteries, anything.

“I’m pretty sure Tex cleared out the facility of anything useful.” Ruby muttered, “Anyway, it isn’t worth it anyway since, most likely, Wash and Church are getting fucked up by the Meta.”

 **Grif** : How is a power cell different from a battery?

“Are you really thinking about that type of crap right now!?” Weiss exclaimed, “Anyway, the difference is that-“

“Shut up, I don’t care about science.” Yang interrupted, “It is not important right now. There is Murder-Death-Kill going on out there.”

 **Simmons** : Grif, this is not the time!

_Explosion, followed by pistol shots_

“ _From the sounds of it_ _that is a lot of Murder-Death-Kill_.” Noire said, “ _I have a feeling that it’s not going well out there_.”

 **Sarge:**  Hey, did you hear that?

 **Simmons** : Yeah... I did... ( _Grabs a rocket launcher_ ) Come on Grif, let's go!

“Are rocket launchers Simmons’ main weapon? I thought he’d be more accustomed to pistols or something.” Blake admitted,

“What makes you say that?” Yang had to ask,

“I don’t know, it was just a feeling I guess.” Blake answered.

 **Grif** : Aren't we supposed to run away from explosions?

“Yeah, but heroes generally run towards explosions.” Weiss pointed out.

_The Reds, Caboose and Tucker race outside just as an explosion sends Church crashing into the snow in front of them._

**Church** : Ow!

“Shit, Church!” Ruby exclaimed, “Damn, the Meta’s really messing them up.”

“ _Plus_ , _with_ _all the damage Church’s body has been receiving, I don’t think he can participate in the fight_.” Noire said, “ _It’s up to Wash and the Blood Gulch Crew now_.”

“So Washington, Tucker, Caboose, Sarge, Simmons and Grif verses the Meta. I don’t like those odds.” Blake muttered, “They need at least a fucking bomb or something to take it down, especially in the state the Meta’s in right now.”

 **Sarge** : What happened?

 **Church** : The Meta... there...

 **Sarge** : And I was afraid we wouldn't get to kick a little ass today! Come on, fellas!

“ _Yeah_ , _let the boner for murder guide you_!” Noire called out, “ _FUCK THE META_! _NO SEXUAL INNUENDO INTENDED_!”

“Couldn’t you have just said ‘Fuck the Meta up’?” Ruby pointed out, only to be growled it. Ruby’s eye noticeably twitched before turning back to the TV. Not before deciding to rig Noire’s/JNPR’s room with various traps before she leaves.

_The Reds and Tucker start heading towards the battle._

**Tucker:**  Caboose! Stay with Church!

“So it’s…” Yang started before counting on her fingers how many were in battle, “5 vs tank, and not the good kind of tank.” She then smiled evilly, “Thing is… they tend to blow up tanks.”

‘And each other at times.’ They all mentally added in with deadpanned expressions on their faces, ‘Though not so much now.’

 **Caboose** : Okay.

 **Tucker** : And try not to kill him by accident!

 **Caboose** : Okay!

“And help the Meta!” Everyone shouted out,

“We know you want to!” Yang called out.

_The Meta opens fire and Wash dives aside to avoid the hit. The Meta charges towards him, Bruteshot blade raised, but Wash whips out his knife and parries the blow. He then slices him in the shoulder but the Meta cloaks himself and ducks aside. Wash stops and glances around the field. He spots the snow being shifted in one side and throws the blade towards the movement. As it hits, the Meta uncloaks with a roar of pain. Wash raises his Battle Rifle and opens fire, but the Meta shoots a grenade out and sends Wash flying back under the Warthog._

“Fuck, WASH!” Ruby yelled out,

“He put up a good fight, even having some lethal shots on it, but he’s no match for the Meta.” Blake said, “By himself at least.”

“Why do all the Freelancers try and make it out on their own?” Weiss muttered, “Face every danger alone, when it ends up getting them killed? And where the fuck are all the therapists in this universe!?”

“ _Meh_ , _Project Freelancer was probably too cheap to hire any_.” Noire joked, “ _But anyway_ , _fuck you Director_.”

_Suddenly, the Reds and Tucker come charging in._

**Sarge** : Attack!

 **Simmons** : Get him!

“CHARGE!” The RWBYs & Noire shouted out.

 **Grif:**  We're gonna fuckin' die!

“Well, you’re probably gonna fuckin’ die but close enough.” Yang mumbled quickly before yelling out, “KICK ITS ASS!”

_As they charge, the Reds and Tucker open fire, but the Meta slams his hand into the ground, summoning a domed energy shield around him that blocks the explosions. He then leaps out through an opening at the top and fires at Grif and Tucker who quickly roll out of the way. Simmons then raises his rocket launcher up and fires at the Meta._

**Simmons** : Fire in the hole!

_The Meta nimbly flips over the rocket and crashes down in front of Simmons, slicing his launcher in half with the Bruteshot blade._

“Damn, that thing is annoying.” Ruby said, “Awesome, but fucking annoying.”

_Tucker takes out his sword and swings it at the Meta, but he blocks the blow and knocks him aside. Sarge raises his shotgun and fires, but the Meta blocks that as well. In a rare act of bravery, Grif suddenly pounces onto the Meta's back and grabs him by the neck, throwing him off-balance. Sarge, surprisingly, doesn’t take a shot._

**Grif** : Yah! Ah, ah, ah, this guy’s like a bear!

“I’m impressed that Sarge isn’t shooting right now.” Weiss spoke up, “He has the chance of shooting the Meta if he shot through Grif, but I’m guessing he’s waiting so Grif could get out of the way.”

“ _What is Grif doing anyway_? _He isn’t that brave_.” Noire said before realizing something, “ _Unless he has a plan_.”

_The Meta grabs Grif and throws him off, but as he falls Grif snatches the Bruteshot out of his hands._

**Grif** : Yoink!

“Huh, that’s actually smart.” Blake admitted, “Grif knows that the Meta’s weapon is the most dangerous thing it has on it, so getting it away from it is the best thing anyone could do right now. It’s significantly weaker without that thing.”

“Brilliant but lazy, classic trope.” Yang said with a giggle, “Come on guys, you can beat it!”

_With the Meta now unarmed and Grif is out of the way, Sarge charges forward to tackle him but the Meta punches him to the ground then grabs him by the leg. Sarge fires again but the Meta dodges. He then swings him around twice and flings him into Grif and Simmons._

**Sarge** : Ow, dammit!

The girls winced at Sarge getting thrown, but took comfort in knowing that now the Meta was weaker now, if only just a little bit. Now they had a chance.

_Suddenly, Tucker comes out and impales the Meta's chest with his sword._

“OH!” The girls called out in unison, “YEAH!”

“Stabbed through the heart!” (Ruby)

“And you’re to blame!” (Weiss)

“Darlin’, you give love!” (Blake)

“A bad name…!” (Yang)

“ _Now_ , _if it were only human_ …” Noire muttered, “ _It would’ve died and at least start bleeding out_. _Still_ , _nice one Tucker_!”

 **Tucker** : Stab!

_Meanwhile, Sarge gets up by the Warthog where Washington is lying._

“Shit, Wash looks bad.” Weiss said, “I don’t think he’s getting up anytime soon.”

“Wait, get Doc!” Blake spoke up, “Doc could help Wash.”

“Doc can’t be defined as a medic.” Yang pointed out, “Why would… oh.” Ruby’s eyes widened when she realized what Blake was implying and gritted her teeth.

 **Sarge** : Wash! Come on, he needs help!

 **Washington** : I can't... I'm done...

“No you’re not!” Ruby shouted out, freaking out everyone in the room, “Fuck, why are all these good people dying!?”

“ _C’mon Wash_ , _don’t you dare die_. _You’ve been through worse_.” Noire muttered, “ _Don’t give up now_!”

 **Tucker** :  _(in the background)_  Guys, I can't fight him by myself!

 **Wash** : Here... Take this... You know what to do...

“W-What is Wash giving Sarge?” Ruby asked, “Wait, does he have an emp grenade? Oh, don’t you fucking dare use it!”

“But… it might be their only hope.” Weiss pointed out. Ruby only glared at the Heiress before sighing,

“You better know what you’re doing, Wash.” Ruby whispered, “Because I don’t.”

_Meta punches Tucker to the ground, with his sword deactivating and falling to the ground as well. A round of shot suddenly hits Meta's armor. He spots Sarge pointing his shotgun out and reloading._

**Sarge:**  Come here, you big son of a bitch!

“What is Sarge doing!?” Blake exclaimed, “Is he suicidal!?”

“Whatever you’re doing Sarge, let’s hope it works.” Yang said, everyone in the room now worried for the Red Sergeant,

“ _Let’s just hope he lives_.” Noire said as everyone leaned forward.

_With a growl, the Meta moves towards Sarge. Sarge steps closer, firing his shotgun with each step but the Meta's Overshield withstands each hit before finally breaking at the third shot, but does not stop the Meta._

The girls watched in bated breath as they watched Sarge walk towards the Meta. They were now scared that Sarge was going to kill himself in order to take down the Meta. They’ve lost too many already, they didn’t want to lose more.

_Cut to Grif and Simmons._

**Grif:**  What's he doing?

 **Simmons** : It looks like he's killing himself.

“A lot of their plans involves killing themselves in some way. Well, Grif at least.” Blake pointed out, “But this time it’s actually necessary.”

 **Grif:**  Oh no!

_Sarge fires again, but the Meta ducks the next shot and knocks the shotgun away. He then grabs Sarge by the throat and begins to strangle him._

“Please, let Wash’s last plan work.” Ruby prayed, “Please don’t die.”

 **Sarge:**  Hey Grif! I've lost my shotgun! What am I going to do without my  _shotgun_? Shotgun, dammit!

“’Shotgun’?” The girls repeated as their eyes widened,

“Oh ho ho ho, this is gonna be good.” Yang said with an evil smirk on her face.

 **Grif:**   _Shotgun_? ( _turns towards the Warthog_ ) Come on, Simmons!

 **Sarge** : Augh... Ahh... Hey Meta...

_Sarge attaches something to the Meta's chestplate._

“What is that?” Weiss asked, “What did Wash give him?”

 **Sarge** : Settle a bet, would you? Does that thing kinda look like a big cat to you?

_The Meta turns his head and spots Grif and Simmons pushing the wrecked jeep towards the edge of the cliff._

The RWBYs and Noire’s eyes widened even further as they saw the two Reds pushing the jeep towards the edge and realized what Sarge got from Wash, “Push. Push. Push. Push. Push.” They chanted as they all leaned forward in anticipation, “Push! Push! Push! Push!”

 **Simmons** : Come on, push, Grif!

 **Grif** : I am pushing!

Now the girls yelling out, cheering on as they saw the jeep go closer to the edge, “PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!”

“This is for Tex, you fucking son of a bitch!” Ruby shouted out before waving at the Meta, “Bye bye.”

_Quickly the Meta looks down and realizes that Sarge has attached the jeep's tow-hook onto his armor! But by then it is too late. Simmons and Grif shove the jeep right over the edge, and just as the cable tightens, Sarge grabs the capture unit from the Meta's back._

“YEAH!” The team and Noire cheered, “FUCK YOU META!”

_As the Meta is thrown off his feet, Sarge falls to the ground and the unit rolls up, landing next to Church and Caboose. With a roar of terror, the Meta is dragged along the ground towards the cliff, his arms flailing. As he nears the edge, he catches hold of Grif's leg and drags him down with him._

“Oh no, GRIF!” Team RWBY and Noire yelled out.

 **Grif:**  Wah!

 **Simmons** : Grif!

 **Grif:**  Simmons! Grab my hand! Help!

“He’s gonna fall!” Yang called out, “…And probably take Simmons’ arm with him.”

_Just as they reach the edge, Simmons dives forward and grabs Grif's outstretched hand._

‘Oh thank God.’ They all thought as they wiped off some sweat from their brow.

_The sudden stop causes the Meta to lose his grip and he falls down to his death with a distraught roar into the icy sea below._

“ _Even if you can eat bullets_ , _you can_ ’ _t hold your breath_.” Noire muttered with a smirk as everyone happily waved the Meta good-bye, “ _See ya Hell_ , _asshole_.”

 **Simmons** : Hold on! Hold on! Don't let go!

“Wait, wait, wait, NO!” Blake screamed out.

 **Sarge** : Uh-oh.

“Simmons, pull him up before-“

_Grif falls_

**Simmons** : Grif!

 **Grif:**  Simmoooooooooooooohoohons!

“Falls… off… the… cliff…” Weiss finished off her last sentence softly as everyone in the room felt the adrenaline of the fight fade away, everything they’ve now starting to take affect,

“I-It’s gone.” Ruby finally said after a moment of silence, still in shock at what just happened, “I-It’s finally gone. No more Meta. No more of that monster. It’s… dead.” Ruby said, a smile forming on her face,

“Yeah… but still,” Yang spoke up, sounding rather skeptical, “Anyone wanna bet the Meta’s just gonna up the cliff?”

“It doesn’t seem like the fall would kill him…” Weiss had to agree,

“Actually, I disagree.” Ruby replied, switching into T’Ambrose,

“How come?” Blake asked,

“The Meta took a lot of damage during both the fights, most notably taking a stab to the chest by Tucker’s sword. From my, I mean, Ruby’s memory of the scene, I can make an educated guess that it possibly pierced its heart but definitely pierced its left lung.” Ruby explained, “It would’ve been lethal as it would cause a lot of internal and external bleeding if the Meta wasn’t a monster and had zero pain receptors.”

“So? Where are you going with this?” Yang groaned,

“Yang, there is an icy cold ocean at the bottom of that cliff.” Ruby stated, “The Meta is in extremely heavy armour which has multiple stab wounds and holes in it, courtesy of Wash, Tucker and Sarge. And God knows if that fucker actually takes the armour off at all, especially with all the enhancements.” Weiss now realized what Ruby was saying,

“Which means his armour would flood.” Weiss spoke up, “And if the fall doesn’t kill it…”

“ _Then the ocean will_.” Noire finished off, “ _It would drown_ ; _no matter how tough you are_ , _no matter how_ _many things you can hold_ , _you still can’t hold your breath_ , _asshole_.”

“So… dead monster?” Yang asked with a raised eyebrow. Ruby only sighed as she shook her head with a smile on her face,

“Dead monster.” T’Ambrose replied before switch back to Real Ruby, “By the way, I feel like eating at Lightish-Red Lobster after this.”

“Well, I’m glad we got that sorted but I think we’re forgetting something important…” Blake said as everyone looked at her for a few seconds before they all remembered what they forgot,

“OH SHIT, WE FORGOT ABOUT GRIF!”

“We’re horrible people…” Weiss muttered as they all slumped down in sadness.

_Sarge approaches Simmons at the edge._

**Simmons** : He's... gone...

 **Sarge** : Yes. Grif is dead. It's a sad day. But he died as he lived; flat on his belly, trying to get someone to do his work for him. He will be missed, until we get a replacement, and then forgotten immediately.

“Huh.” Ruby said, looking mildly surprised, like she just remembered an unimportant detail that was rendered useless in the past,

“What is it?” Yang asked,

“Well, I expected a far nastier eulogy from Sarge considering the way Grif treated Sarge’s funeral as one big joke.” Ruby answered,

“ _Well_ , _considering he not only helped a Blue with no ulterior but also gave a speech so awesome **we walked out of the room to save fictional characters**_ , _something you guys should mention to anyway by the way_ , _so I can say this set is full of surprises_.” Noire stated.

 **Simmons** : I can't believe he's gone...

_Tucker approaches the two._

**Tucker** : You know, sometimes, when somebody falls off a cliff in movies, he's actually just over the edge, hanging on a tree branch or something.

 

“Please let there be a tree branch.” Weiss quietly prayed, “Even though he’s kinda fat.”

 **Sarge** : Nope. He's definitely dead.

 **Simmons** : Maybe we should look, just in case.

 **Sarge** : I think looking would get our hopes up, and Grif wouldn't like that. Grif would want our expectations to be as low as possible. Let's honor him by not looking. And then have a nice lunch. I'm thinking Monte Cristo sandwich.

“Okay, now that was definitely Sarge.” Ruby deadpanned,

“True, but I can see Grif eating a sandwich in the end of the funeral.” Blake admitted, “Or before the funeral. Or during the funeral. Hell, even if the funeral’s for him, he will revive himself just to have a sandwich.”

 **Simmons** : Are you sure, I could just peek right over the edge.

 **Sarge** : Sounds like a waste of time.

“Hurry up already…” Yang said through gritted teeth as she, along with the others, were starting to get impatient.

 **Simmons** : Wouldn't even take a second.

 **Sarge** : Nope.

“Oh for the love of-LOOK OVER THE DAMN FUCKING EDGE YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU FUCKING OLD FART!” The RWBYs & Noire yelled out,

“Oh, we are so grump right now.” Yang growled,

“ _I’m not so grump_.” Noire spoke up, “ _Only mild annoyance_.”

 **Grif** : ( _from the cliff_ ) Oh for God's sake, just look over the damn edge! I can't hold on for much longer!

“Oh thank God he’s alive.” Weiss sighed in relief,

‘ _Thank_ _you Epsilon246 for the reaction and snake screamer for the expansion_.’ Noire thought.

_At this, Sarge and Simmons run up to the edge and look down to see Grif hanging from the stolen Bruteshot that he'd stuck right into the ice._

**Simmons** : Grif!

 **Sarge** : Dangling on the job again, I see. Dagnabit, I hate cliffhangers.

‘ _No kidding_ …’ Noire thought with a blank expression on her face.

 **Grif** : Oh just pick me up!

_Cut to Doc, Epsilon, and Caboose standing around the failing storage unit._

**Doc:**  Yeah, I don't know, it's in really bad shape, and so are you.

“Well, from awesome we go back to the drama.” Blake muttered, “Damn it, they’re both pretty damaged but at least Church can survive.”

“But that would mean losing Tex.” Weiss pointed out. The girls looked down sadly as they knew what Church was going to do.

 **Church** : There's not much time. I need you to use it on me.

 **Doc** : Me? I can't! I'm a medic! I took an oath!

“Yeah, medics are supposed to help, not hurt.” Ruby said, “Fortunately, Doc isn’t a medic. Unfortunately, Doc is a pacifist.” Ruby then sighed and looked down, “Church, there’s nothing you can do. It’s over.”

“It’s not over until the credits roll.” Weiss said, “Let’s just hope he’s there before the credits.”

 **Church** : Oh yeah, the first is "do no harm," right?

 **Doc** : Well actually now first is "lobby against socialist reform." But second is, yeah, that no harm thing.

And with that, they all face palmed, “This is why there are so many deaths in the RvB universe.” Blake deadpanned,

“And this is why the world doesn’t change for shit.” Yang added in.

 **Church** : Caboose, here. Pick it up.

 **Caboose** : I can't, Church.

 **Church** : Yes you can. You do this all the time.

“ _Well_ , _he can shoot but I doubt he can stab_.” Noire spoke up.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, I don't want to.

“You’re really making this hard Caboose.” Ruby groaned as she face palmed.

 **Church** : Yeah okay. Okay Caboose, I'm sure I can do it on my own.

 **Caboose** : But what if you don't come out again?

 **Church** : Well you know what Delta always said, right?

“Memory is the key.” The RWBYs and Noire say in unison.

 **Caboose** : Memory is the key.

 **Church** : If I don't come back, you're in charge of remembering me, ok? Don't let Tucker help, he'll just fuck it up. Bye, buddy.

_Epsilon leaves his robot body and enters the failing unit._

“Please come out.” Ruby prayed, “Please… no more…” Yang hugged her sister as everyone looked on with bated breath,

“Please, just get out in time.” Yang whispered as she stroked Ruby’s hair. She noticed a few gray hairs among the dark red, but wrote it off as a result of her Aura Mode.

 **Sarge** : What's going on here?

 **Caboose** : Church went in, he's going to find her.

“Come on, hurry up.” Blake said as she looked worryingly at the unit.

 **Simmons** : That unit looks bad, let me see what I can do to stabilize it.

 **Sarge** : Doc, go check on Wash, I don't think he's gonna make it.

Weiss held back some tears when she heard that, “Rest in Peace, Agent Washington.” Weiss whispered as she clutched her chest, “You were the greatest soldier ever. Of all time.”

 **Simmons** : Oh no!

 **Caboose** : What? What!?

 **Simmons** : It's only going to be open for a few more seconds. After that, he'll be trapped.

“ _He’s not gonna make it_.” Noire muttered sadly as Ruby and the rest of her teammates started to cry.

 **Caboose** : Come on, Church. You can do it. Can you hear me? You can... Run towards my voice!

“It’s over Caboose.” Yang sobbed out, “It’s over.”

 **Simmons** : It's shutting down! I can't stop it!

_The Epsilon unit slowly fades, and then shuts down._

**Caboose** : Church? Are you there?

The girls say anything else. All they could do was grieve over another dead body.

 **Simmons** : Caboose... I'm sorry.

“Church that ‘Memory is the key’, right?” Ruby said in a barely audible tone, “But what if the memory hurts you? What is it then?”

“ _No matter how hard you try to push those feelings down_ , _it’ll hurt no matter what_.” Noire said before slowing some saliva, “ _Even if you try to push those feelings down_ , _no matter how hard you try to get rid of it_ , _it hurts_. _Deep inside you_ , _you can never shake off the feeling that it’ll hurt you every time it enters your mind_. _Some people would drown those memories under drugs and bad life decisions_ , some _would distract themselves_ , _some would act like it doesn’t matter_. _But then there are those who accept it_. _Those who move past those memories_. _It’s what makes those people strong_. _It hurts_ … _I know what the true impact of these hurtful memories_ , _and_ _let me tell you I didn’t deal with it well_ , _but all I can tell you is to not focus on that memory or else it ruin your perception of the world_ … _something_ … _something I’ve yet to learn_.” Ruby stayed quiet just went back to watching, but she took those words to heart. Noire smiled when she saw Ruby relax, and just looked out the window, ‘ _Memory is the key_ , _right_? _What about what you know_? _What do you do with that_?’ Noire thought, ‘ _I guess I know what I’m doing_.’

 **Caboose** : Church?

_Fade out before cutting back into because to an agent looking at Tex’s body before revealing an entire UNSC investigation team searching the area._

“Well, ain’t this familiar?” Yang said with a small laugh, “Man, how things have changed.”

“Changed.” Blake repeated as she looked at Noire, “Yeah, things have changed.”

 **Interrogator** : And where the hell did the Pelican in the water come from!?

The girls looked at each other before shrugging, “You guys definitely need to keep track of your stuff.” Weiss said, earning a few giggles.

 **Tucker** : Hmm... I don't know. I guess the Meta must have hijacked it, and crashed it here. That makes sense, right?

 **Interrogator** : Man, the Chairman is going to be pissed. The budget only allows for one crashed Pelican per mission.

“Wow, this UNSC sucks a lot of balls.” Blake muttered.

 **Interrogator:** Alright, well I guess you guys check out. You can head back to your training bases now.

 **Sarge** : We just call them bases.

 **Interrogator** : Hmph. I bet.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ruby snapped, “They broke into Command, got rid of a lot of shit that needed to go, killed the Meta, killed multiple Freelancers before all of this shit and did a whole lot better than you guys _ever_ will in those situations! They may be Simulation Troopers, they may be the biggest fucking dumbasses in the galaxy but they are leagues better than all of you combined! They literally had the universe against them and guess what, they turned out on top! Not so bad for an idiot, a pervert, an old man, a smartass and a slacker if you ask me.”

“Maybe they should be promoted to real soldiers.” Yang suggested,

“Fuck. That.” Ruby growled, “They are better than these any of these fucking pricks. Making them join their ranks is an insult not only to them, but me as well.”

“And **us**. Anyway, they’re always going to be the Reds and Blues of Blood Gulch to us.” Weiss said with a smile, “And if you think they’re gonna fail, you’d be fucking wrong.”

“ _RvB forever_ , _baby_.” Noire said.

 **Grif** : Hey. We solved your problem. Not bad for "Trainees."

 **Interrogator** : I gotta hand it to you. Killing one of these agents would be tough. But three? And this guy... ( _looks at Wash's “body”_ ) The Chairman will not be happy he's dead.

“Join the club.” Weiss said as she sighed sadly,

“God, I feel like a horrible person.” Blake admitted, with the others quickly admitting it too.

 **Interrogator:** I think he wanted to debrief him personally. Oh well.

“Dick.” Ruby scoffed,

“Well, at least he won’t be going to prison.” Yang said with a wince, “Yeah, that was too soon.”

“ _No kidding_.” Noire muttered.

 **Tucker** : Yeah...

 **Caboose** : Yeah, that's too bad.

_Pan over to a man in cobalt blue armour with yellow accents._

Suddenly, the girls’ eyes widened when they saw the cobalt armour, then gasped when they noticed the yellow accents.

 **Washington** : Well, be sure to let him know we're sorry.

Then, Yang started crying as she laughed. The others joined in as well as they saw the sight, feeling both sad yet happy at the sight of Wash in Church’s armour, “Oh my God, we’re assholes.” Yang managed to say between her joyful laughter & bitter tears, “We’re fucking assholes.”

“Glad to see ya back, Mr. Washington.” Weiss said, saluting to the new Blue with a smile, “You’ll make a nice new addition to the BGC.”

 **Interrogator** : Whatever. You're free to go. If we need you, we know where to find you.

_The Interrogator walks away._

**Washington** : Why are you guys helping me?

“ _Yeah_ , _I would like to know_.” Noire admitted, though was just happy to see Wash alive and well.

 **Caboose** : You helped us, Wash. It only makes sense.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, plus we need to even the teams. And I couldn't put up with Caboose constantly asking "Can we keep him? Can we keep him?!?"

“I wouldn’t have forgiven him so easily… after all he has done.” Ruby spoke up while looking down at her feet before looking up, “I guess that’s what makes these guys better than us.”

“Yeah.” Yang agreed, “…We can still kick their asses though.”

“Oh fuck yeah.” Weiss laughed out,

“No competition.” Blake said with a smile,

“ _They’ll make nice_ ‘ _volunteers’_.” Noire joked,

“I’d like to see them try.” Ruby said as she smirked.

 **Washington** : For whatever it's worth... Thanks.

_The Blue Team walks off. Cue Blood Gulch Blues._

**Grif** : Well, looks like Blue Team has a new recruit, Sarge.

“Some things never change huh?” Ruby chuckled as she wiped the tears off her face,

“Yep.” Weiss responded as she could giggle at the fact that things were going back to the way they were, at least that’s what she thought, “Oh, these guys are going to get destroyed!”

 **Simmons** : Doesn't look so tough to me.

 **Sarge** : Maybe this one can shoot.

“He can more than just shoot.” Blake said, “He can kick some serious ass.”

“Well, time to even up the scores, shall we?” Yang muttered as she smiled, “They won Blood Gulch, time for the Blues to win Valhalla.”

“ _That seems fair_.” Noire said as she leaned back in her spot, “ _But from then on_ , _it’ll be so unfair for the Reds_.”

“Go… Blue Team!” The RWBYs & Noire cheered out.

 **Sarge:** Come on, fellas. Let's go home.

“Yeah, home seems like a really good idea right now.” Weiss said with a relaxing sigh.

 **Grif** : Uh... The jeep's busted, Sarge. Are we walking?

“Dude, they’re the Reds.” Yang pointed out as she chuckled at Grif’s question, “They don’t walk anywhere.”

 **Sarge** : That depends. You fellas gotten over your fear of flying yet?

“Oh boy.” Ruby groaned, by still smiled.

 **Simmons** : Yes sir.

_The Reds steal a Hornet._

**Grif** : Yoink!

“See ya next season, motherfuckers!” Yang called out, “Have a good day!”

 **Guard** : Hey! You can't take that! That... That's UNSC property! Get back here! Hey, come on, I'll lose my job!!!

“ _You guys suck at everything_!” Noire exclaimed, “ _Go fuck yourselves_ , _assholes_!”

 **Simmons** : I hope this doesn't go on our permanent record!

_Pan over looking at the memory unit._

Although it didn’t break their good mood, they were shaken by the sight of the memory unit. It hurt their hearts to see it, but they smiled when thought about all the good memories that involved the two inside the unit, and were now genuinely laughing at scenes they had raged at or criticized. They had to watch the seasons again with their new outlook on the show. Of course, the future seasons weren’t going get this treatment but Hell, it was a good start.

 **Soldier** : Hey Chief, what do you want me to do with this thing? I can't get anything out of it, it's dead as a doornail.

 **Chief (the interrogator from earlier)** : I don't care. Toss it in evidence. It's all a bunch of junk now, anyway.

_The camera pans inside the Epsilon unit._

“Hey, what’s happening?” Blake asked as they all focused back on the screen.

 **Church** : ( _voice over_ ) I'd like to say that I found her right away, that I just walked into the Epsilon Unit, and there she was, waiting for me.

“Church!” The RWBYs & Noire called out in joy,

“He’s still alive in the unit!” Ruby exclaimed with a smile plastered on her face before it turned into a frown, “But… he’s trapped…”

“He’ll get out… somehow.” Weiss told the red Leader.

 **Church:** ( _voice over_ ) As you can probably guess, it didn't happen that way, but, I know she's in here somewhere, and I'll find her. We always seem to find each other, for better or for worse. I don't know why the Director did what he did. I don't know if he was trying to revive a memory from his past, or if he was just trying to get it out of his head. But I figured out something that the Director didn't. It took Alpha, Delta, and the rest to help piece it together for me but, what I've learned is that a great love is a lot like a good memory. When it's there, and you know it's there, but it's just out of your reach, it can be all that you think about. You can focus on it, and try to force it, but the more you do, the more you seem to push it away. But if you're patient, and you hold still, then maybe... Just maybe... It will come to you. I just need to make sure I'm somewhere she can find me.

_Fade to white. The screen then reveals a much more greener Blood Gulch: Hemorrhage._

The girls were now crying tears of joy as they saw the place, “Looks like Blood Gulch got an upgrade.” Blake managed to say,

“Someone must’ve left the sprinklers on.” Yang joked.

 **Church** : ( _voice over_ ) I think this place is a little different than it was before. See, out there, everything is based on the Alpha, but in here, I guess I'm the Alpha. And maybe this time through, things will be a little different for me as well. I guess I'll find out.

 **Epsilon-Tucke** r: Hey Church, come on! I think the Reds just got a new vehicle! Let's go check it out!

 **Epsilon-Caboose** : They only got a jeep! We got a tank! That's way better!

“ _Um_ , _wait_ , _didn’t they_ … _okay_.” Noire said, now kinda confused. Though, honestly, she didn’t know why.

_The memories of Tucker and Caboose run toward a cliff._

**Church** : Ok, I'll be right there!

“Guess it’s back to business, huh?” Blake said, “Back to shooting each other for a flag.”

“And all the idiocy that comes with it.” Weiss added before sighing, “At least know there’s no point to it.”

_Church follows them toward the cliff._

**Church** : ( _voice over_ ) And I mean, hell, if you have to live the rest of your life in a memory... you might as well make it a good one.

** Red vs Blue  
Revelation **

“Huh, he considers the memories of Blood Gulch his best memories.” Yang chuckled out, “Oh, he is so gonna regret it soon.”

“Yeah.” Ruby said quietly, “So that’s it. It’s really it.”

“Yep it is.” Weiss said in the same tone, “W-W-We should st-start… packing.”

“ _I_ … _need some time to myself_.” Noire said as she stood up, “ _Don’t follow me_.” She added before leaving the room. Blake didn’t even have to think about that. She waited a few seconds before going out to find Noire,

“Please, don’t do what I think you’re doing.” Blake whispered to herself as she went to the first place she could think of.

(Rooftop)

Noire looked at the sky one last time, wondering how in the world was this place was the most beautiful thing she has ever seen, ‘ _It’s the only place I’ll see_.’ Noire thought as she gripped the M6 Magnum in her hand, ‘ _God_ , _I hate my life_.’ She thought as she stared down the barrel of the gun, “ _Good bye cruel world_ , _and all that bull_ -“

“Noire, drop the gun.” Blake said slowly from behind her other personality. Noire could only sigh as she turned to look at Blake,

“ _Good-bye_.”

“NOIRE!”

**_BANG!_ **

“No…” Blake sobbed out, collapsing to her knees as she cried, “God fucking damn it!” She swore as she punched the floor, “I’m… sorry… I’m so sorry…”

“ _Oh come on_!” Blake’s eyes widened before she looked up to see Noire standing and throwing the gun down in frustration, “ _You gotta be fucking kidding-_ ” She got interrupted when Blake jumped up and hugged her as tightly as she could, “ _What are you doing_?”

“Don’t you fucking dare do that again, Noire.” Blake said as she wiped her tears on Noire’s shoulder, “I’m so glad you missed the shot. I guess you’re just as good of a shot as Church huh?”

“ _Missed_?” Noire asked. Blake took her head off of Noire’s shoulder… and saw the hole in Noire’s head, “ _Yeah_ , _I totally missed_.”

“You know what, I won’t even ask.” Blake said as she went back to hugging Noire, “I’m just so glad you’re alive.”

“ _Yeah_ , _at least for a few more paragraphs_.” Noire muttered before she pushed Blake away, “ _Look_ , _I’m dead either way_ , _may as well get over with it faster_.”

“And you call me a party pooper.” Blake said with a sigh, “Noire, I have plenty of reasons to hate you yet I know you’re good person so why do this? Why hurt yourself?”

“ _At this point_ … _just don’t know_.” Noire answered honestly as she sat down. They stayed quiet as they both couldn’t think of anything else to talk about.

So Blake decided to sing. Cue another random musical number.

 **Blake:** Dreamless dorm

Ticking clock

I walk away

From the soundless room

Windless night

Moonlight melts

My ghostly shadow

To the lukewarm gloom

Nightly dance!

Of bleeding swords

Reminds me that!

I still live...

Noire could smile as she saw Blake, and stood up and joined her. Blake grinned as she continued.

 **Blake:** I will

 **Blake & Noire: **Burn... My... Dread...!

 **Blake:** I once ran away from the God of Fear

And chained me to despair

Yeah!

 **Blake & Noire: **Burn... My... Dread...!

 **Noire:** I will break the chain and run

Till I see the sunlight again!

 **Blake & Noire: **I'll... lift my face...

And run to the sunlight...

( _Instrumental Break!_ )

 **Noire:** Clockwork maze

End unknown

In frozen time

A staircase stands

Shadows crawl on

Bloodstained floor

I rush straight ahead

With a sword in hands!

Cold touch of!

My trembling gun...

I close my eyes!

To hear you breathe...

( _Instrumental Break!)_

 **Blake:** I will

 **Blake & Noire: **Burn... My... Dread...!

 **Blake:** I once ran away from the God of Fear

And chained me to despair

Yeah!

 **Blake & Noire: **Burn... My... Dread...!

 **Noire:** I once ran away from the God of Fear

And chained me to despair

Yeah!

 **Blake & Noire: **Burn... My... Dread...!

 **Noire:** This time I'll grapple down that God of Fear

And throw him into Hell's fire!

 **Blake & Noire: **Burn... My... Dread...!

 **Blake:** I will shrug the pain and run

Till I see the sunlight again!

 **Blake & Noire: **Oh... I will run...

Burnin' all

Regret and Dread...

And I will face the sun

 **Noire:** With pride of the living...

Noire's eyes widened as if she realized something, " _Huh, he changed it..._ " Noire muttered to herself, confusing Blake slightly but chose to ignore it for now,

 

“So, you find your reason to live?” Blake asked, “Because I wanna know. I want… so many things to happen, and this is not one of them. I want you live Noire. I want you be by my side, be the sister I’ve never had or remember, depending on if I have a memory relapse. I want… I wanna stay. Hang out with my friends more, even if it drives us insane, never to be the same again.” She then wiped some tears from her cheeks, “I don’t care about escape anymore. I want, no, I _desire_ to be with my friends until the end of the summer.” Noire looked at Blake before looking away, thinking about what she should do next. But she knew the obvious answer,

“ _Fuck it_. _You deserve this_.” Noire said as she grabbed Blake’s head and showed her the world.

(A few minutes later)

“Please don’t remind me…” Weiss groaned as they walked to the Bullhead, luggage in hand, “Really, I don’t wanna remember.”

“I will never let you live it down, you know.” Yang said, “I will never stop reminding you that-Blake?” They all stopped when they saw Blake standing in their way, her back turned from their faces, “Um, where’s your luggage? And where’s-“

“Left it in the dorm.” Blake answered without looking back, “I-I don’t wanna leave.”

“What!?” Ruby exclaimed, “But, what about-“

“Like I said, we’ve lost our summer since we got trapped here, so I may as well make the most of it.” Blake interrupted again, “After all,” Blake then turned her head towards her teammates, “We aren’t the same RWBYs that entered this place.” The team’s eyes widened when they saw Blake’s face.

Her left eye had become hot pink.

They also noticed her canines jutting from her upper lip but other than that, she looked exactly like she was before the summer started,

‘ _They look surprised_.’ Noire noted as they looked at their surprised faces,

‘Wanna surprise them more?’ Blake asked with a mischievous look on her face,

‘ _Oh yeah_.’ Noire said as she started the process. Suddenly, Blake’s skin started to darken to pitch black as both her eyes had turned into bright yellow orbs,

“ _Like the new look_?” Blake asked as she looked at her new form, “ _Because I sure do_.”

“Wh-What is that?” Weiss asked as the girls backed anyway from the shadowy Faunus,

“ _My Aura Mode_.” Blake  & Noire answered before catching her teammates before they could run away,

“Really? Tentacles?” Weiss said incredulously, “Out of all things, your Aura Mode involves tentacles?”

“ _Why not_? _And there’s more_.” Blake retorted before spawning some bat wings, “ _But more on that later_. _Now_ , _go back and unpack your stuff_. _We’re staying_ , _bitches_.”

“You c-can’t make us.” Ruby said, while hanging upside down, “C’mon guys, we wanna leave, right?” They were about to answer that question, until they actually thought about it and what would happen if they would leave. Like them getting grounded, or suing Beacon, or pulling them out of Beacon, or put in a mental facility, or the world exploding.

Okay, maybe that last one wasn’t likely but they probably could.

“Err… well…” Yang said nervously as she looked away,

“You see, there’s this thing I really don’t wanna do…” Weiss said truthfully,

“You guys don’t wanna leave, do you?” Ruby deadpanned,

“Yeah, kinda.” Weiss and Yang answered,

“Three against one, fuck.” Ruby swore before smiling, “Alright, we’re not leaving.”

“Yes!” Blake cheered as she deactivated her Aura Mode and dropped her teammates,

“I’m gonna regret this later.” Weiss muttered before they all stood up and dusted themselves off, “So… what do we do now?” Blake could only smile in response.

(One hour later)

“And _that’s_ what you call a thing.” Yang said among the rubble of what used to be the Beacon Tower… where Ozpin’s office used to be, “Thought, we… may have gone overboard.” Suddenly, there was an explosion behind her, “Just a little.”

“Yep.” Ruby replied as the RWBYs dug themselves out of the rubble and stepped back to see what their Aura Modes have done except for Ruby’s because… you know, “Kinda wished we destroyed the Cross Continental Transmit System thing though.”

“We’ve officially snapped.” Weiss spoke up, “Because that sounds tempting.” Other quickly agreed,

“Is that a bad thing?” Blake asked. Weiss thought about it before shrugging, “Anyway, we would’ve shut off all global communication. Plus, we’d probably be arrested. Or cause the destruction of civilization.” The girls looked at Blake strangely at that last part before shrugging and agreeing that it was one of the possible scenarios,

“Still, it would be kinda interesting to see how the world lives without the internet for a day. But yeah, it isn’t so bad being this way. Not really caring about whenever or not we escape or trying to keep my sanity intact and just enjoying myself. It’s nice.” She replied before they decided to just enjoy the sunset,

“Being in Team RWBY may be the best thing in my life.” Yang sighed with a smile,

“Well, Team RWBY-N. The ‘N’ is silent.” Blake corrected, “Noire’s still here, just... not here right now.”

‘ _And in your head_.’ Noire added in, causing Blake to giggle,

“That too.”

“Okay, that was fun and all we really should all head back and unpack our stuff.” Weiss said, “Isn’t that right Ru-“ Weiss turned to look at Ruby, only to find a note on the floor instead. Weiss’ eyebrow raised before she picked up the note and read it out loud, “’Check the closet with the red X on it’?” Weiss looked at the others before they decided to check. When they found the closet, all they could hear was banging on the inside. Yang opened the door, only for a bound and gagged Ruby to flop out,

“Hah, the great Red*Star is free! I knew my godly powers would-“

“Excalibur.” They all said flatly. And with that, the great Red*Star slipped into a coma,

“So glad we didn’t have to deal with her.” Yang muttered as she threw Ruby over her shoulder,

“Wait a minute,” Weiss said as she realized something, “If this is Black*Star Ruby and she was here…” Suddenly, the mental glass in their minds broke as they all shouted out together,

“Who was the Ruby with us!?”

(Vale)

A red cloaked woman could only sigh as she watched the conscious members of Team RWBY freak out over their teammate being replaced through the window, “God fucking dammit.” The red cloaked woman swore as she heard people landing behind her, “Sup.”

“We fucked up.” The white cloaked woman stated, “We fucked up big time.”

“Yeah, we kinda noticed.” The yellow cloaked woman said sarcastically,

“Oh, stop patronizing me, bitch.” The woman in white growled,

“You two, shut up, time for plan B.” The red cloaked woman said,

“Fuck it and run?” The woman in black spoke up,

“No, that’s plan C.” The woman in red said as she pulled out her Scroll and dialed in a number then turned on a device around her neck, “ _Pyrrha, this is Duster…_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	69. JNPR-Out of Your League

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB songs, dialogue and scenes come from the wiki and is owned by Rooster Teeth. Out of your League is from the Warp Zone and is also not by me.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

“Ugh… what is it Duster?” Pyrrha groaned. Currently, JNPR and RVIW were in a city, which wasn’t too far away from Vale. They had stopped their road trip because needed something to eat and they were running out of money, so they had to find a gig. Although she missed sleeping in the bus due to it being a lot more comfortable but at least she was sleeping a lot more and catching up in the numerous number of hours she missed thanks to her insomnia. So now, she was outside talking to her mysterious partner while RVIW and the rest of the JNPRs were arguing, “Don’t tell me this ‘Plan A’ failed.”

“ _It… sort of did._ ” Duster replied, causing Pyrrha to groan even more. She was tired and wanted nothing more but to live her life, “ _Look, it doesn’t matter. All I need you to do is-_ “ Suddenly, Pyrrha heard some glass shattering behind and Jaune and Hiro yelling at each other,

“I’ve got to take care of this.” Pyrrha said before hanging up. She went back into the restaurant and saw that they were in the middle of a heated argument,

“HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT KNOW PENNY’S LAST NAME WAS POLENDINA!?” Jaune shouted out,

“Well, the guy who made me in charge of her never bothered to TELL ME HER LAST NAME!” Hiro retorted, “SERIOUSLY, IT WOULD’VE BEEN NICE!”

“YOU COULD’VE ASKED HER!”

“OKAY THAT!” Hiro started before sitting back down, “Okay, that’s a good point. Welp, time to change the team name.”

“How about WISP?” Velvet suggested. Sun, Penny and Hiro nodded and they all agreed that it was a nice team name they could use and planned on using it in the future.

For about ten seconds.

“Screw it. RVIW sounds better.” Sun said, “RVIW Forever!”

“Amen.” The other members of RVIW responded in unison,

“So… what are we doing today?” Nora asked before she took a sip of orange juice. They had managed to find listings for jobs earlier today but they all occurred at night, so they decided to wait until late afternoon. The JNPRs decided they wanted to take a gig with only them playing and no one else, allowing RVIW to have a break and enjoy themselves a little,

“Hey, we haven’t really hung out with each other, so how about we separate into different groups?” Sun suggested,

“What a stupendous idea Sun! While the males go and ‘hang out’, us females will go elsewhere and do other fun activities.” Penny said,

“Still wondering if she’s a robot.” Hiro muttered before everyone just stared at him, “What?”

(Team GIRL)

The girls were at a café and were peacefully making some light conversation. It was actually rather pleasant. After the chaos of the last 8 weeks and the ever-looming feeling that something was going blow up, it was nice to have a little break and focus on the little things.

Well, that’s what Pyrrha thought while face down on the table.

“Pyrrha, you’ve been like this since we came in.” Velvet spoke up, “Are you alright?”

“No, I’m… fuck it, I’m not fine.” Pyrrha answered as she looked up, “I’ve been having problems sleeping, I’m constantly under stress and most of all,”

“It’s about Jaune not even noticing, isn’t it?” Nora said. Pyrrha nodded.

(Team GUYS)

“PYRRHA LIKES YOU!” Hiro shouted out at Jaune, freaking out the blonde boy. They were currently across the street from where the girls are and are enjoying the same Startrucks as them.

“Huh? What?” Jaune exclaimed,

“Jaune, you were bound to find out some day.” Ren muttered, “But an entire year with her? Really?”

“Dude, I’ve known you guys for like a summer but even I know!” Hiro shouted out, “Haven’t you been noticing?”

“Noticing what?” Jaune asked.

(Team GIRL)

“I’ve been trying every day all year and yet he still looks at Weiss! Everyone knows about my feelings for him except him, and if he doesn’t notice soon, I am going to rape him.”

“Not everyone knows.” Penny pointed out,

“YES WE DO!” Everyone in the café called out, freaking the girls out.

(Team GUYS)

“Literally everyone knows, dude.” Sun said, “You have to be the densest person I have ever met.”

“Wait, it isn’t a joke? Pyrrha actually likes me?” Jaune asked in shock, “Wait, how many people know?”

(Team GIRLS)

“Oh right, literally everyone on Remnant knows. Forgot to tell you.” Nora said with a chuckle while Pyrrha looked horrified,

“Wh-When!?” The Amazon exclaimed. Nora didn’t hesitate and gave Pyrrha a magazine,

“’Pyrrha Nikos loves no-name loser’.” She read out loud, her eye twitching at the title, “How-What-When-God damn it.”

(Team GUYS)

“I don’t know if I should be happy I’m on a magazine or sad that I’m still a loser.” Jaune said with a sigh, “I can’t believe she likes me. I mean, what does she see in me?”

“Well, there’s the fact that you haven’t noticed the countless confessions she has at Beacon on a daily basis.” Ren deadpanned, “Jaune, I mean… really?”

(Team GIRL)

“Pyrrha, really, summer’s almost over. If you want a repeat of last year, you gotta make your move.” Nora said, “Unless you _want_ Jaune to end up with Weiss?”

“No! It’s just that…” (Pyrrha)

“She’s way out of my league and…” (Jaune)

“And I’m afraid that he might…” (Pyrrha)

“That she might…” (Jaune)

“Pyrrha. Stop. This calls for an encouragement tune.” Nora said as she snapped her fingers. Suddenly, music started playing from… somewhere. Pyrrha had no idea where this was going, but she may as well go with it.

 **Nora:** Now a woman who'll kiss on a very first date

Is usually a hussy

And a woman who'll kiss on a second time out

Is anything but fussy.

But a woman who'll wait till the third time around

Head in the clouds!

Feet on the ground!

She's the girl he's glad he's found

She's his Shipoopi.

“She-what!?” Pyrrha exclaimed with a confused look on her face.

 **Nora:** Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!

 **Penny:** The girl who’s hard to get!

 **Nora:** Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!

 **Velvet:** But you can win her yet!

Hiro proceeded to grab Jaune’s hand and got him to stand up on the table, with the others following Hiro lead, “Why are you doing this?” Jaune asked,

“Helping you!” Hiro answered happily,

“About what?” Hiro only smiled before he continued the song.

 **Hiro:** Walk her once just to raise the curtain,

Walk around twice, and you've made for certain.

Once more in the flower garden,

She will never get sore if you beg your pardon.

 **Ren & Sun: **Do re mi fa so la si do si fa so la mi re do.

 **Hiro:** Squeeze her once when she isn't looking,

Get a squeeze back that's fancy cooking.

Once more for a pepper-upper,

She will never get sore on the way to supper.

 **Ren & Sun: **Do re me fa so la si do si do.

 **Hiro:** Now little ole Sall's a no-gal, as anyone can see…

Look at her now: she's a go gal who only goes for me!

Nora smiled as grabbed Pyrrha’s hand and actually started dancing with her in their café.

 **Nora:** Squeeze him once when he isn't looking,

Get a squeeze back that's fancy cooking.

Once more for a pepper-upper,

He will never get sore on the way to supper.

 **Penny & Velvet: **Do re me fa so la si do si do.

 **Hiro:** Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!

 **Ren & Sun: **The girl who's hard to get!

 **Nora:** Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!

 **Velvet & Penny: **But you can win her yet!

Suddenly, Nora stopped dancing and Hiro jumped off the table before they both kicked the door of the café open as everyone from both cafés spilled out into the street. Now pedestrians were joining in and everyone was dancing in the middle of the street, disrupting traffic for the commuters, who joined in as well. By now, Jaune and Pyrrha were heavily confused as the instrumental part of the song played. They really had no idea what was going on as somehow, they switched who they were singing with, with Pyrrha with Hiro now and Jaune with Nora. They were very much going to ask a lot of questions after this.

 **Everyone (except Jaune & Pyrrha): **Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!

 **Nora & Hiro**: The girl who's hard to get!

 **Everyone (except Jaune & Pyrrha): **Shipoopi! Shipoopi! Shipoopi!

 **Nora & Hiro: **But you can win her yet!

You… can… win… her… yet…!

**Everyone (except Jaune & Pyrrha): _SHIPOOPI!_**

“It means she’s the shit.” Nora said with a mad grin. By now, Jaune & Pyrrha were wondering how their lives turned into a crappy musical. Everyone stayed in their poses for several seconds before everyone went back to their business. Jaune just decided it would be a good idea just to sleep in the truck or whack himself in the head with his shield. He turned around…

Was face-to-face with Pyrrha.

“Oh! H-Hi Ja-Jaune!” Pyrrha stuttered out, “S-So? You were in-“

“Yeah…” Jaune said awkwardly as he looked away, “Look, I need to go…”

“Y-Yeah, me too.” Pyrrha replied, but stayed where she was,

“Um, Pyrrha?” Jaune spoke up after a few seconds, snapping Pyrrha out of it,

“Oh, sorry. Right.” Pyrrha said, before turning and walking straight into a wall, “D’oh!”

“So… uh… seeyatonight!” Jaune quickly said before fleeing the scene. Pyrrha groaned, not even removing her face from the wall that inexplicitly appeared out of nowhere as she felt her Scroll vibrating. She peeled herself off to see who it was, only to see that it was Duster. Again. She ignored it and sighed.

There was no way in hell she could face Jaune now.

(Several hours later)

Well, singing with him was definitely way too close for comfort for Pyrrha. Team JNPR were now in a fancy restaurant, all of them being dressed in tuxedos. They were hired to play for the night when the usual band was unavailable due to some freak traffic jam the spanned the whole city that was caused by a flash mob. She and Jaune were singing, with Jaune on bass and Pyrrha on guitar. Nora was on drums and Ren was on keyboard. Pyrrha noted the romantic atmosphere, which she hated. Couples were everywhere and some dates had already spun out into full blown make out sessions, sessions Pyrrha wished she could have with her crush. Pyrrha sighed before getting ready for the next song, “How are you all doing tonight?” Pyrrha said in a calm voice, “We have a special dessert for couples tonight and we would like to inform everyone that dining and dashing will result in Nora blasting your ass to Kingdom Come with her grenade-launching hammer so do pay on your way out. Okay, now for another song from Team JNPR. This is Best Girl. Enjoy.” Pyrrha nodded at Jaune before they began playing.

 **Jaune:** Elle etait plus que parfaite mais je l'aimais a l'imparfait

Nous parlions du futur avec nos prenoms composes

J'ai compose un temps pour que l'on se refugiasse

Mais j'suis pas tres literaire sans une batterie et une basse

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **I call for your help, like a 911…

You pick up the phone, and you say hang on…

Then you throw… the phone…

In… the air…

And you run…

 **JNPR:** You are like pure speed meta, amphetamine!

Your goddess turns water into, gasoline!

You're a Mona Lisa or a Venus, in furs!

A superhero knight, in shiny metal spurs…

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **You're the Best Girl…

You’re the Best Girl…

You’re the Best… Girl…

Angle on your back, as you run… to me…

Cool under the crush

You're as cool can be…

Then you throw… the phone

In… the air…

And you run…

 **JNPR:** You are like pure speed meta, amphetamine!

Your goddess turns water into, gasoline!

You're a Mona Lisa or a Venus, in furs!

A superhero knight, in shiny metal spurs…

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **You're the Best Girl…

You’re the Best Girl…

You’re the Best… Girl…

You're the Best Girl

When everything you say

And everything you do is so kind…

You're the Best Girl,

You always got my back,

Making sure my stars are always aligned

You’re the Best… Girl…

You’re the Best Girl…!

You’re the Best Girl…!

 **Jaune & Ren: **Ba ba da ba ba da ba ba!

Ba ba da ba ba da ba ba! ( _repeats_ )

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **You’re the Best Girl…

 **Jaune:** You’re Best Girl…

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **You’re the Best Girl…

 **Jaune:** You’re Best Girl…

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **You’re the Best… Girl…

 **Jaune:** You’re Best Girl…

 **Jaune & Ren: **Ba ba ba!

“Hey, you mind doing a request?” A man said as he walked up to the team. Pyrrha looked and saw he was around 25 to 35, brown hair and strangely his left eye seemed fake,

“Sure, what is it?” Jaune asked,

“I wanna propose to my girlfriend tonight,”

“Congratulations.” Nora spoke up, “I hope she says yes!”

“Thanks.” The man said with a chuckle, “Anyway, do you mind playing something… appropriate?”

“Of course, why?” Jaune asked. The man’s response was to give Jaune the music sheets he prepared,

“This seems… weird.” Ren said as he read the lyrics,

“Well, it’s the only lyrics I could think of! Just play it. Please!”

“Who’s the lucky lady?” Pyrrha asked. The man only pointed to a nearby table. Pyrrha looked before forcing herself not to faint on the spot.

At the table was a rather bored looking woman in a teal/aqua/bluish-green dress, sporting fiery red hair and light green eyes. She almost looked like Pyrrha if Pyrrha was older, meaner and frowned almost constantly.

‘You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.’ Pyrrha thought before turning to the man, “Do you mind telling us her name.” ‘Please don’t say Carolina, please don’t say Carolina, please don’t say Carolina, please don’t say-‘

“Carol.”

‘Kinda close but still, thank God.’

“But I usually call her Carolina.”

‘FUCK!’

“Just play it, alright. I’m gonna do it after the song. Please, let this be the happiest night of my life.” The man begged before heading back to the table,

“Well, let’s do this.” Jaune said, a little nervous. Pyrrha only looked at the sheets of music and felt the urge to tear it apart. She pushed down those feelings and decided to keep calm.

It’s time to potentially fuck up a relationship.

“Alright, this is requested by that guy over there.” Jaune spoke into the microphone while pointing at the guy, who was probably telling her how the next song would be “special”. Pyrrha could only shake her head. She could see this turning into a disaster from a mile away, “This is called…” Jaune looked at the music sheets, “Come On, Carolina.” Jaune looked at Pyrrha, who only responded with a groan before they all put on goofy smiles and started playing.

 **JNPR:** Come on… Carolina!

Have fun… Carolina!

 **Jaune:** You’re always being

 **JNPR:** Such a bitch!

 **Jaune:** I’d like to take you to a movie

But you won’t leave the training room floor

I wanna bring you to the mall to buy shoes

But you’re obsessed with your leaderboard!

 **Jaune & Ren: **Baby!

 **JNPR:** Why don’t you give me a break?

Why do you make it so hard for me to love you…?

I’m gonna do what it takes,

But could you please stop kicking me…?

 **JNPR:** Come on… Carolina!

Have fun… Carolina!

 **Jaune:** You’re always being

 **JNPR:** Such a bitch!

Come on… Carolina!

Let’s run… Carolina!

We’ll leave this place and fly through space!

And start a different life!

And have babies with green eyes…!

 **Jaune:** Maybe we could enter the disco

Or skate down and check out the shore!

 **Nora & Ren: **We could stay at home and cuddle

 **Ren:** And play a little Halo 4!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **Naked!

 **JNPR:** I know you wanna kick ass!

I know you’re dying to rip! That Tex! To pieces!

But, baby, both of us know

That bitch will have you On! Your! Knees!

( _Instrumental break!_ )

 **JNPR:** Come on… Carolina!

Have fun… Carolina!

 **Jaune:** You’re always being

 **JNPR:** Such a bitch!

Come on… Carolina!

Let’s run… Carolina!

We’ll leave this place and fly through space!

And start a different life!

And have babies with green eyes…!

After the song, the JNPRs were expecting for the woman to do something bad to the guy. Punch him, throw the martini in his face, break up with him. But she didn’t. All she did was stared at the poor guy as he babbled on about how much he loved her, why he wanted to marry her and how he was beating himself up for literally writing the worst love song ever. Of all time.

Then she broke the silence.

“You want to have babies with green eyes?” Carol asked,

“Well, yeah but-“ He was cut off by Carol kissing him. They stayed like this for what seemed like eternity but in reality was a few seconds before she laid her head on his chest, “So, I’m gonna assume that’s a yes?” She nodded,

“But you are sleeping on outside and on the ground tonight.” She added,

“SHE SAID YES!” The guy cheered out. Everyone clapped for the happy couple. Pyrrha couldn’t help but cry a little as she saw the couple,

‘At least my voice found happiness.’ Pyrrha thought before putting down her guitar and walking up to them to congratulate them herself. While this was happening, Ren noticed Jaune pulling a folded piece of paper. He knew what was going to happen and signaled Velvet to grab Pyrrha’s guitar, who was hiding behind a plant the entire time. Jaune nodded at Nora and she nodded back,

‘Alright, here we go. It’s now or never.’ Jaune thought before looking at his friends and nodding, “3! 2! 1!”

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!

 **Jaune:** I've been in my share of fights

But I've never seen a girl like you destroy so many guys…

And no one wants to challenge you…

But my teammates even said

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **"It's not suicide, just do it dude!"

 **Jaune:** You are Out Of My League!

I'm not even thirty

 **Jaune & Ren: **But I really don't mind

Yeah, this is more than just a game!

 **Jaune:** You are Out Of My League!

When you play mid, I leave

You are clearly OP

Looks like you're gonna win this game!

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!

 **Jaune:** Sometimes I really screw myself…

Because I get too brave when I don't have a lot of health

I'll be alright as long as you

Take me down so then we know at least one thing true…

You are Out Of My League!

But that hasn't stopped me

 **Jaune & Ren: **You are just what I like

Yeah, this is more than just a game

 **Jaune:** You are Out Of My League

But I think you'll agree

That you kind of dig me

And this is more than just a game!

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!

Pyrrha stared at Jaune, her heart racing, her mind swirling as she slowly walked up to the stage. The whole world seemed to melt away as walked. Jaune awkwardly smiled before offering his hand. Pyrrha automatically took it and came up. They only looked at each other for a split second just as the drumsticks were hitting together. They ignored the smiles of Ren & Nora, before sealing each other’s fate with a kiss.

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!

 **Jaune:** You are Out Of My League!

But in a chat they told me

I am just what you like

And this is more than just a game!

 **Pyrrha:** You were Out Of My League…

See you Friday at three…

We'll go out for ice cream…

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **Yeah, this was more than just a game!

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Mo-o-o-o-o-o-re!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **More than just a game…

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Mo-o-o-o-o-o-re!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **More than just a game…

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Mo-o-o-o-o-o-re!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **More than just a game…

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Mo-o-o-o-o-o-re!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **More than just a game…

 **Velvet, Nora & Ren: **Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!

(Some time later)

“Are they gonna stop?” Hiro asked while driving the jeep. They were now heading down the freeway. They had the money and it was enough to make it to their next destination,

“I think they’re going harder.” Nora said as she looked at the new couple, who were furiously making out at the back of the truck. Velvet, Penny and Sun took the truck, mostly because they knew what was going to happen, “Y-Yep, they are definitely going harder. Wow, they are really going at it. Like, there’s tongue and saliva going everywhere and they haven’t stopped to breathe.”

“I know we helped him but I didn’t think…” Ren muttered before trailing off,

“Making up *pant* for lost time *pant*.” Pyrrha said breathlessly before she heard her Scroll ring. She looked at who was calling before answering, “Fuck you, Duster. I quit. Let me make out with my boyfriend.”

“Maybe we should-“ And it was back to making out again.

It was going to be a long night. But it was going to be worth it because they were close to their destination. They were so close to their goal. Why were they thinking this? Well, it was a relatively easy answer.

Their next stop was Vale.

(The highest building in Vale)

“Hi.” The shadowy figure greeted Noire, not looking away from his laptop, “You snuck off without Blake noticing?”

“ _Oh, shut up Uknown_!” Noire shouted at him, “ _And stop writing whatever I say_!”

“Sorry, have to. You know the guys in the Archive. Can’t really do anything about what they want.” Uknown replied as he continued typing, “They want this update in tonight, they are really angry about that break after all.”

“ _Shut the fuck up already_!” Noire yelled before pointing a gun at his head, “ _You broke the rules of the Archive_! _One cannot directly interfere with the universe, and you fucking directly interfered with the universe_! _I mean seriously_!? _Becoming Ruby_!? _Why do you think you created me_!?” Suddenly, Uknown started chuckling nervously, “ _Seriously_ , _stop fucking writing whatever you and me say_!”

“All interactions that are connected with the events must be recorded. Plus, you can’t kill God.” Uknown said in a dull tone, “Anyway… um, here’s the awkward thing…”

“ _What_?”

“That… wasn’t… me…”  Noire’s brain shut down at that sentence, “I actually thought better of it and pulled out. Didn’t expect these people.” Noire sighed as she leaned over his shoulder and looked at the photo he took. In the frame was four cloaked women on a rooftop. Red. White. Black. Yellow,

“ _You know I met one of them_. _They’re future RWBY_.” Noire said,

“Really? Tell me, does _this_ look like future team RWBY?” Uknown asked as he pulled up the camera feed from earlier.

(Video Feed!)

The woman in red laughed nervously as she put her Scroll away, “So… we just lost Pyrrha.”

“Fuck.” The woman in the white cloak sword, “So… Plan C?”

“Plan-fucking-C.” The red cloaked woman replied before they started preparing to head back. She then noticed that the woman in yellow was humming a song while sitting on the edge of the building. The woman in red walked up to her and joined her, “Nice night, huh?”

“Definitely is.” The woman in yellow replied,

“Hey, what song are you singing?” The woman in red asked. The woman in yellow giggled,

“Just a song that my mother used to sing to me.” She answered, “I can sing it to you. I just need a-“ She was cut off when an acoustic guitar appeared in her hands, “Okay.” She tuned the guitar a little before deciding that the hood was getting a little in the way. She took her hood off and revealed her bright red hair, green eyes and pale skin to the world, “Okay. Three, two, one.”

 **Pyrrha:** Come along with me

To a town beside the sea

We can wander through the forest

And do so as we please

Come along with me

To a cliff under a tree

Where we'll gaze upon the water

As an everlasting dream!

All of my affections

I give them all to you

Maybe by next summer

We won't have changed our tunes

‘Cause we'll want to be

In this town beside the sea

Making up new numbers

And living so merrily

All of my collections

I'll share them all with you

I'll be here for you always

And always be with you

Come along with me

To a town beside the sea

We can wander through the forest

And do so as we please

Living so merrily

“That was nice.” The red cloaked woman said, a smile underneath the shadows of her hood, “Let’s go home.”

“…Yeah. Home.” Pyrrha said before pulled out some Purple Dust, “…You know, I wouldn’t trade this thing for anything else.”

“Well, duh! This stuff is dangerous.” The red cloaked woman said as she pointed at the Purple Dust, only to get punched in the shoulder, “Ow! Hey!”

“I don’t mean the Dust! I mean… this.” Pyrrha said as she looked upon the city of Vale, “Sitting up here and just enjoying the sights. I feels like I hadn’t done that in a long time.”

“Yeah, me too.” The woman in red agreed, “…Hey, do you wanna know what I was going to say to you? You know…”

“What?” Pyrrha asked,

“I wanted to say… enjoy the time you have with your friends. Make it count. You may never know when things go to hell.” The woman in red said, “I guess she is now, huh?”

“Definitely.” Pyrrha giggled before looking at the Dust in her hand, “…Can’t change the past. It ain’t gonna get any better,”

“It ain’t gonna get any worse. Now quit yer bitchin’.” The woman in red finished, causing the girls to laugh. After getting that out of their systems, they all took one last look at Vale before tightening their grip on the crystals in their hands,

“They are so gonna kill us.” The woman in white muttered,

“Don’t worry, it could be worse.” The woman in black said, only to be glared at, “…I just jinxed us.”

“Let’s just go.” Pyrrha deadpanned before they all vanished in a flash of purple.

(End Video Feed!)

“Welp, I’m gonna retire for the night.” Uknown said, “You should get back.”

“ _Yeah_ , _I am_.” Noire said. She was about to leave but stopped, “ _Oh_ , _by the way_ , _even think about pulling shit like that again_ , _I will kill you_.”

“Good luck with that.” Uknown chuckled out. Noire could only sigh and roll her eyes, “Oh, you forgot something.”

“ _Ugh_ , _what no_ -“ Noire turned, only to see the laptop being held out to her, “ _What_?”

“Just take it. I have spares and backups.” Uknown said, “I was gonna give you this later but… you deserve this. Sorry. It’s better if I just go back to observing and writing anyway.”

“…” Noire stayed quiet before taking the laptop, “ _This doesn_ ’ _t mean_ -“

“I like you, blah blah blah! Just go already! Have fun! Change the world a little. Just don’t fuck it up.” Uknown said before sinking into the ground and disappearing without a trace. Noire looked at the laptop before turning it on,

“ _And little something here and a little something there_ …” Noire muttered before pressing ‘Enter’, “ _And…_ done! Testing. One, two, three. One, two, three. Sweet. Cool.” Noire then spawned a bag and threw the laptop in it, “Better hide this thing.” Noire muttered before fading into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	70. This Is Not Depressing (Rounding Error, The Twins, Number One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THREE MORE BEFORE I'M DONE! ALL FUCKING RVB SCENES AND DIALOGUE COME FROM THE WIKI AND IS TOTALLY ROOSTER TEETH PROPERTY!
> 
> Load Game... Start!

Pyrrha opened her eyes after sleeping for what felt like thousands of years. She had a headache, her throat was dry and she was hungry.

Which scared her, considering she should be dead.

“What the-?” Pyrrha groaned as she sat up and looked around her location. It was dark and her vision was still blurry but she could hear faint sounds like beeping and other electronic sound effects. All she could see was a figure in front of her, holding something in front of her, “You may wanna eat.” The figure said as she placed a tray on her lap. Pyrrha shook her head and saw that she had been served a sandwich and a glass of milk, “You’ve been out of it for a couple of days.”

“Where am I?” Pyrrha asked as she turned to the figure, only to see that it was a wom-girl. A 16 year old girl. And for some odd reason was wearing a futuristic-looking helmet to cover her face, and that the visor was mysterious cracked down the middle, “Why am I here?”

“I saved you!” The girl with the cracked visor happily answered as she played a little with her Purple Dust, “Kind of.” She sheepishly added,

“What do you mean by… kind of?” Pyrrha asked as she started eating her food, though was a little afraid of the answer,

“Well, you see, I got there and you were already turning into Dust, so I saved your soul instead.” The girl explained, “You are currently possessing a mindless clone of yourself right now.”

“Oh.” Pyrrha said flatly before drinking her milk, before realizing what the girl just said, “Wait, what? I’M A CLONE!?” Pyrrha yelled out after she did a spit take. The girl quickly dodged the flying milk before saying anything else,

“Not a clone! Just a soul possessing a clone. It’s a clear difference!” The girl with the cracked visor retorted, “Actually, I was gonna put you into a robot body, but there’s already too many people like that running around so I decided to put you into a nice, possibly infertile clone body instead.”

“Wait, did you know I was gonna die?”

“A little. I travelled back to save you.”

“So you can time travel.” Pyrrha clarified. The girl with the cracked visor nodded, “Wouldn’t it be a better idea to SAVE ME BEFORE I DIE, NOT AFTER!?”

“Blame the rules of the universe.” The girl with the cracked visor scoffed, “’Oh, Pyrrha has to die.’ ‘Oh, Ruby has to unlock her Silver Eyes.’ ‘Oh, Yang has to lose an arm’ or some bullshit. Thank God for loopholes.”

“…What _is_ your job?” Suddenly, the girl with the cracked visor’s watch started beeping,

“Boop! You’re all healed up!” The girl said happily… before stabbing an arrow into Pyrrha’s shoulder,

“OW! WHAT THE FUCK!?” Pyrrha cried out in pain,

“Just to make it convincing!” The girl quickly said, “There’s a storage seal on your back that has very important items in it. Just rub some of your blood on it and everything will be revealed. We’ll meet again soon, I promise you that.”

“Who are you!?” Pyrrha yelled out as she tried to pull the arrow out of her shoulder,

“…You can call me Duster.” The girl with the cracked visor said before activating her Purple Dust. Next thing Pyrrha knew, she was watching Blake, looking much more awesomer and sexier than usual, gagging Cinder as she kicked her in the stomach,

“Fuck you, you piece of shit.” Daisy Noire Belladonna swore before knocking Cinder out and placing handcuffs on her. Pyrrha looked around and saw that Ruby was unconscious with a noticeable welt on her head, “Okay, that’s done.” Noire muttered to herself as she checked off another one off her list, “Now, to save…” Noire trailed off as she noticed that Pyrrha was awake and staring at her, “Oh. Welp, I guess my work’s done here.”

“Blake, what’s-“ Pyrrha started weakly, before deciding it was not worth it and let unconsciousness embrace her.

(Present Day!)

“Pyrrha? Hey, Pyrrha, are you okay?” Jaune, her new boyfriend (Pyrrha couldn’t help but smile at the thought) asked with concern, “You spaced out for a second.”

“Oh sorry.” Pyrrha replied as she shook her head, “I was just going down memory lane. Now, back to business.”

“Oh God, they’re making out again.” Nora groaned as she watched them suck face, “I’m happy for them, but now this is getting annoying.”

“I wonder what the RWBYs are doing.” Ren muttered, trying to ignore Pyrrha’s attempts at changing from making out to making love.

(Meanwhile at Beacon…)

‘ _Uh_... _Pussy_?’ Noire spoke up in Blake’s head. It was the middle of the night and everyone was sleeping,

“What?” Blake replied in a quiet voice, not wanting to wake up her teammates,

‘ _Hey_ , _do you know where my body is_? _I need to… take care of personal business_.’

“It’s in the closet.” Blake said, “Wait, why?”

“Oh… nothing.” Noire said as she left the closet, “I’ll be back tomorrow, alright?”

“Okay, just let me sleep.” Blake said before yawning and going back to sleep. Noire looked at her with caring eyes before they became cold as steel. She looked at the other RWBYs in the dorm and nodded to herself,

“Time to fuck the canon.” Noire muttered to herself before taking out some Purple Dust and flashing out of the dorm.

(Next Day!)

“MAGIC IS BULLSHIT!” Yang yelled out. It was another nice and sunny day in the world of Remnant. Summer was soon to come to a close soon and people were now preparing to continue their education or jobs. To some, it was the best summer they’ve experienced so far. To others, not so much but enjoyed the break nevertheless. To the RWBYs however, their summer was truly starting to begin. After weeks and weeks of watching, reacting and all the insanity, they had finally given in and willingly trapped themselves in Beacon. Though they were sure they would regret the decision in the near future, they were going to enjoy it and make it last. As you can see, they were failing. They were currently in the cafeteria, trying to have a normal discussion, only for it to devolve into yelling and arguing, “DUEL MONSTERS IS BETTER!”

“At least there’s no OTKs or FTKs in Magic!” Weiss retorted, “Magic is a game of strategy, of outplaying your opponent. Duel Monsters is all about gimmicks and bullshit Trap Cards!”

“Hey, don’t blame me for not putting in Bottomless Trap Hole in your deck!” Yang pointed out, “Duel Monsters is fast paced, either side can win at any point! One card can change the tides!”

“Which is fucking bullshit!”

“You’re bullshit!”

“No, you’re bullshit!”

“Oh, haven’t heard that one before! At least make your retorts better, bitch!” Blake sighed as she ate her breakfast while reading a book. She did not want to be a part of this in the slightest,

“I knew we should’ve had crashed the Bullhead into the Tower.” Blake muttered as she flipped a page,

“Well, it was our choice.” Noire pointed out as she sat next to Blake,

“Hi Noire.” Blake greeted before turning to her other, “What have you…” Blake trailed off as she saw the state Noire was in, “What the fuck happened to you?”

“What?” Yang said before she and Weiss stopped their argument and turned to the two, before jumping back, “SHIT!”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Weiss cried out as she saw the very bloody Noire, “Holy shit, did you eat someone!?”

“Partially.” Noire answered as she cleaned her new sword, which was suspiciously familiar to Blake. The others looked at each other and quickly started going towards the door, “I actually kinda lost it back there, huh?”

“After this, you are so biting my shiny, metal arm.” Yang said as they prepared to run, ignoring Noire swearing to herself,

“Please do.” Weiss said before realizing what Yang just said, “Wait a minute, YOU LOST YOUR-“

(Rewind!)

“After this, you are so eating my dust.” Yang said, now noticing that Noire had become even bloodier, wielding ten swords and that she was in the middle of eating something which strangely resembled an arm…

“Noire, did you really eat someone?” Blake asked hesitantly as she walked up to the physical embodiment of her desires,

“Partially!” Noire called out as she threw away the arm, “And it was for a good reason!”

“You _ate_ someone!” Yang shouted out,

“I didn’t eat anyone.” Noire said as she used some Purple Dust to retrieve a certain laptop,

“Of course you-“

Load Game… Start!

“We should train with our Aura Modes!” Yang suggested. It was another nice and sunny day in the world of Remnant. Summer was soon to come to a close soon and people were now preparing to continue their education or jobs. To some, it was the best summer they’ve experienced so far. To others, not so much but enjoyed the break nevertheless. To the RWBYs however, their summer was truly starting to begin. After weeks and weeks of watching, reacting and all the insanity, they had finally given in and willingly trapped themselves in Beacon. Though they were sure they would regret the decision in the near future, they were going to enjoy it and make it last. And so far, they were succeeding. Despite Ruby being in yet another coma, they still enjoyed themselves. Playing video games together, talking together, training together, and destroying yet another part of Beacon together… playing video games together… talking… being bored together.

To be honest, they were running out of stuff to do.

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Weiss asked, “You do use lava dragons for yours…”

“Don’t worry, if you managed to get knocked out of Aura Mode, unlikely it may be, you’ll just be extremely tired afterwards. We’ll be fine.” Yang reassured the Heiress,

“It would be nice to see what my Aura Mode is fully capable of in combat situations.” Blake admitted, “I say we do it.”

“Weiss?” Yang asked. Weiss had to admit, it would be interesting to fight each other with their Aura Modes and she did need to train today,

“Okay. Let’s meet in Emerald Forest.” Weiss said. They all nodded and started preparing themselves for a huge fight, not knowing that a certain someone was awake.

And she wanted to fight Gods.

(Sometime later…)

“Alright.” Yang said. They managed to find a clearing and were now facing each other in a three-way standoff. They didn’t bring their weapons; they knew the Grimm feared them now. Anyway, they didn’t need them right now anyway.

It was a true test of soul.

“Three.” Weiss started as she started letting her emotions get the better of her. Her rage, her sorrow, that’s what made her Aura Mode work,

“Two.” Blake said as Noire prepared to activate her Aura Mode,

“One.” Yang said quietly as she felt her rage building up inside. They stood in silence, waiting for at least one of them to activate their Aura Modes first. The air around them would suffocate a normal person to death as they continued to build their power.

And then they unleashed everything they had.

They all cried out as they felt their Aura Modes activate. Weiss felt extremely cold as her Aura quickly transformed into knight armour before she summoned a Great Sword as big as a thousand year tree, her body temperature dropping to the negatives. Blake saw her skin melting, revealing darkness underneath as her eyeballs turned pure yellow and her mouth sealed shut as tentacles and a pair of bat wings started to grow out of her back. The ground underneath Yang cracked open as she started levitating into the air, the magma underneath Remnant’s crust now at her command as she started growing fangs and her eyes becoming more reptilian by the second.

“May our fight be legendary.” Weiss said as she pointed her extremely large sword Yang,

“ _And may our lust for battle be sated_.” Blake/Noire added in as they used their wings to fly into the air. Yang couldn’t say anything as all her brain functions were focused on destroying those who opposed her. She roared before charging at her “enemies”.

And then she was kicked straight in the face.

“You guys forgetting me?” Ruby asked, a mad smile on her face and her eyes glowing, as she kept Yang in place with her foot, “Because you’re gonna regret that.” She said before punching Yang in the face, sending her deep into Emerald Forest. She blew off the smoke from her fist before cracking her knuckles and looking at who was left, “So, who’s first, motherfuckers?”

“ARGH!” Ruby sighed before backflipping over Yang, who shot out of from the trees of Emerald Forest, and got away from the ensuing explosion. Ruby headed back to the area, which was now a crater. She knew it would be over so easily as she ducked under a sword swing from behind by Weiss before catching one of Blake’s tentacles, which was aimed at her neck,

“Are you even trying?” Ruby taunted before jumping over one of Yang’s lava dragons and using her eyes to cool down the lava, turning it into obsidian, and jumped on. Yang started sending more lava dragons at her, but she just kept using her eyes to cool them down before kicking them into oblivion, jumping from one large obsidian shard to the next, “You think some oversized hot-blooded lizards can hit me!? I know you can do better than that Sister!” Yang roared as loud as she could before sending hundreds of lava dragons at her sister, “Okay, this is gonna be fun.”

“She shouldn’t be this strong!” Weiss shouted out as she used her sword to shield herself from the lava and falling rocks,

“ _She isn’t_.” Blake muttered as she effortlessly dodged the dragons coming at her, “ _Because this isn’t our Ruby_.”

“I know THAT!” Weiss shouted before slicing a lava dragon in half, “But which one!?”

“The awesome one.” Ruby whispered in her ear. Weiss gasped before swing her Great Sword at her. Ruby just stepped to the side without blinking before turning another one of Yang’s lava dragons into obsidian and smashing it. Weiss took a deep breath before slicing the falling shards of obsidian before quickly blocking one if Ruby’s kicks,

“You’re pretty good.” Weiss admitted,

“And you’re not.” Ruby said, causing Weiss to growl, “Oh, and look out.”

“Huh?” Weiss was then knocked flat on her chest by Blake, who had just gotten punched by Yang,

“ _Ow_.” Blake groaned before jumping up and starting using her tentacles to fight Yang from a distance.

Okay, let’s stop right there. This isn’t an action fic, this is a reaction fic, and this introduction is way too long for its own good. So let’s just fast forward to the aftermath, shall we?

(Sometime later…)

“WOO!” Ruby cheered out as she ran around the room, “YEAH!”

“Girls, meet Action Ruby.” The severely bruised and bleeding Yang introduced as she set up the TV,

“I hate her already.” Blake muttered, looking pretty worse for wear,

“Please don’t be another Yang.” Weiss prayed/chanted out,

“I ARE WINNER! I ARE WINNER!” Ruby continued to cheer in the background,

“Why is she so strong?” Weiss asked,

“I don’t know. I think it had to do something with Ruby forgetting she had limits or whatever. That’s what Uncle Qrow told me.” Yang said, “Ruby, sit down already!”

“NEVER!” Ruby shouted out, having too much energy in her system. WBY sighed before Weiss got up to pick the next season,

“We’re up to Season… 9, right?” The Heiress asked. Blake and Yang nodded, “Two more seasons until the end.”

“I wonder what’s gonna happen.” Yang muttered as Weiss put the DVD in,

“May as well watch the trailer to see what we should expect.” Blake suggested,

“Let’s do this!” Ruby said as she jumped onto her spot on the couch,

“Oh, you’re sitting down now?” Yang asked, “Why?”

“I want more CGI fight scenes.” Ruby simply answered before picking up the remote, “Ready?”

“Ready!” They all called out,

“The story of the Recollection may be over, but another one is about to begin! What will happen? What is Epsilon’s fate? Will we get even more fucking amazing CGI sequences!? All of these questions may be answered right here! Right now! It’s time to watch Red vs Blue: Season 9!” Ruby declared before she pressed play.

**(Before There Was Red vs Blue…)**

_The trailer begins with a Pelican flying to the medical station “Angel On My Shoulder”._

“Yes, more CGI stuff!” Yang cheered out, “I am already making this my favourite season.”

“They’re just reusing the space level from Halo: Reach.” Weiss pointed out before shaking her head, “Lazy, lazy, lazy.”

“Well, the company does use the game to make the show and it seems pretty famous, so it would make sense for the company to have access to the assets.” Blake said,

“Waiting for the fight scene right now.” Ruby grumbled, “Though, I wonder if this trailer is set after Revelation.”

 **Ground Control:** Four-Seven-Niner, this is Angel On My Shoulder, I need you to modify your approach velocity.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:** Negative on the modify Angel On My Shoulder. I have injured onboard, requesting clearance to dock.

“Angel On My Shoulder… kinda a weird name for a hospital.” Yang commented, “It sounds more like a band name or a title of a book more than anything else.”

 **Ground Control:** Look, if you try auto docking at that speed, you're going to have a lot more injured on board, Four-Seven. Throttle down.

“I think the pilot should listen.” Blake said, “I know they might be in a hurry but they shouldn’t hurt the patient more before they get into the hospital. Shouldn’t they have medics on board taking care of him or her?”

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Requesting clearance to manual dock then. Patient is critical; need to offload ASAP.

“Okay, now that’s a good reason to get to hurry.” Ruby said, “Man, apart from me, who could do that to a person?”

“You’re assuming someone attacked the patient?” Weiss asked,

“Well, at its core, RvB is about soldiers. Of course someone’s gonna get hurt by an enemy.” Ruby answered, “…Of course, sometimes the enemy is their teammates or Caboose and the soldiers are either mediocre, badasses or stupid but still.”

 **Ground Control:**  What? No! Negative Four-Seven-Niner clearance denied. This station does not allow for manual dock. Throttle down or spin to a go-round. It's your choice.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Negative on the go-round, Angel.

“Just let them dock already. I’m sure this Four-Seven chick is a pilot for a reason.” Yang said, “Anyway, they have injured. They can’t afford to waste time.”

 **Ground Control:**  This isn't a military dock, Four-Seven. We're a civilian medical on loan to the UNSC. You try manual dock and you'll tear a hole right in our-

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Not of my call, Angel; patient is Level 0.

“Level 0, the worst kind of 0.” Ruby said dramatically, causing a few giggles, “But in all seriousness, this person is gonna die soon.”

 **Ground Control:**  Level 0? I'm going to need confirmation on that.

_The Director walks into the cockpit and places his hand on some sort of scanner._

**The Director:**  Angel On My Shoulder, this is Director Church. I respectfully request your assistance. Our situation is rather dire.

The girls glared at the screen, “The fucking Director.” Blake growled, not happy that he was fine and in good health, “The bastard that started it all.”

“This is gonna involve Project Freelancer, isn’t it?” Yang muttered,

“What situation _doesn’t_ involve Freelancer?” Weiss asked. Yang thought about it before shrugging.

 **Ground Control:**  Four-Seven-Niner, you are cleared for docking bay 6. Manual control. Proceed with caution.

 **The Director:**  I'll prep the patient.

“Are we ever gonna see the face of any of the main characters?” Ruby asked, “Or even a villain for that matter?”

“Probably not.” Blake guessed.

_Director leaves the cockpit._

**Four-Seven-Niner:** Well, I guess so much for go-round.

 **Ground Control:**  I heard that, Four-Seven-Niner.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:** Yep. That's ‘cause I transmitted it.

“Someone’s a little snarky.” Yang muttered before she heard Weiss gasp,

“Hey, isn’t that the Command chick that worked with Wash back in Reconstruction?” Weiss pointed out. Ruby rewinded the scene and they all tried studying the voice,

“Yeah, I think it is.” Blake said, “Man, she has definitely upgraded.”

“Oh yeah.” Ruby agreed, “Better a pilot of Freelancer than an operator at Command.”

_The Pelican lands inside Angel On My Shoulder's docking bay. The Director steps out to be met by a group of doctors. Scene shows the patient revealed to be Agent Maine wounded on a gurney._

“WAH! META!” The RWBYs shouted out,

“It’s still alive! Kill it with fire! Kill it with everything on fire!” Yang shouted out,

“Just, how did it survive? It drowned, didn’t it?” Blake questioned, “And did they really have to play such scary and unsettling music after something so heroic?”

“Probably another non-canon thing.” Weiss guessed, “But still…”

“When is this happening?” Ruby spoke up.

 **Counselor:**  Greetings Director. Was that Agent Maine?

“Yeah, it _was_ Agent Maine.” Blake muttered, “And I’m guessing that guy’s the Counselor from the Recollection.”

 **The Director:**  We picked up his beacon. At least we know that system works.

“Wait, he’s talking about the Recovery Beacon thing, isn’t he?” Yang said, “And they’re just testing it out now.”

“This trailer might be set in the past. Before... everything, I guess.” Weiss answered.

 **Unknown Doctor:**  Do you know what happened?

 **The Director:** I know who will.

_Cut to Washington following some doctors who are pushing Maine's gurney._

“I guess this is Wash before Epsilon then.” Ruby guessed, “...Or her betrayed the Blood Gulch Crew and I’m probably gonna confuse myself if I keep going aren’t I?”

“Probably.” Weiss said.

 **Unknown Doctor 2:**  Come on team we're losing him.

 **Washington** : Can't you stabilize him?

 **Unknown Doctor 2:**  We're doing our best sir.

“Really wish they don’t.” Yang admitted, “It would solve so many problems if they let Agent Maine die.”

“But then again, it’s non-canon.” Weiss, again, pointed out.

 **Washington:** Is there something I can do?

“Yeah, stay back and let them do their jobs.” Blake answered, “You’re a soldier, not a medic. Plus, most medics in the RvB universe suck.”

 **Unknown Doctor 2:**  Sorry, sir; you're going to have to wait out here. Medical crew only.

_Door closes behind the doctors locking Washington out_

**Washington:**   _(sighs)_  Typical medic bullshit.

“What can you do, Wash?” Weiss muttered, “So, I’m guessing Maine was Wash’s friend before he went crazy and became the Meta.”

“Which explains their teamwork from the last couple of episodes of Revelation.” Ruby added in. They sighed as they remembered the result of the battle,

“When are the Reds and Blues coming into this?” Yang wondered out loud.

 **Automated Voice:** Paging Doctor Ross, please report to emergency... ( _Voice gets muffle_ d)

_Scene goes throughout the room showing the doctors removing Maine's armor in Zero Gravity._

**Unknown Doctor 3:**  His vitals are falling. We need to stabilize.

“A couple of failing vitals aren’t gonna stop the Meta.” Blake whispered to herself, “Maine, whatever.”

“Let’s just treat them as two separate people. The man before the monster.” Weiss suggested. Her teammates quickly agreed.

_Cut to Washington watching from a window above. The Director stops in front of him and puts on a medic helmet._

**The Director:**  Agent Washington, status report.

 **Washington:**  Maine was injured sir. We failed the objective.

“And pretty badly from the looks of it.” Ruby said.

 **The Director:**  How were two soldiers of your caliber possibly hurt by simulation troopers?

 **Washington:**  They... got the jump on us.

“Foreshadowing~” Yang sang out, “Or Irony~”

“They really need to think through the whole Simulation Trooper thing.” Blake said with a laugh, “You know the saying: Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.”

“But then again, the professionals are equipped with highly advanced armour, armed and skilled to the teeth with weapons and know 1001 ways to kill a person without them realizing.” Weiss pointed out, “But then again, none of that stopped the Reds and Blues before.”

“Because they were kinda forced to.” Ruby spoke up.

 **The Director:**  Disappointing. But we'll deal with that after surgery.

_The Director walks away._

**Washington:**  Yes, sir. Come on buddy, hang in there.

“He really cares about Maine.” Weiss said, “Too bad he ends up becoming a monster…”

“And there are already too many monsters in the world.” Blake sighed, “And I’m not talking about the Grimm.”

_The camera's focus changes to show York reflected in the window._

“York!” The RWBYs called out in happiness before sighing sadly,

“It’s nice to see him but… the story’s already set in stone.” Yang said sadly, “No matter what, he gets shot helping Tex and Wash has to blow up his body.”

“Man, knowing the future sucks.” Ruby groaned.

 **York:**  How is he?

 **Washington:**  Oh, hey man. Not good. He was shot in the throat. The medics said even if he survives he'll probably never talk again.

“Explains why it growled all the time.” Blake muttered.

 **Washington:** How's your eye?

_York moves from his leaning position and walks over to Wash._

**York:**  Docs are letting me out tomorrow. Seems like a lot of people are getting hurt these days.

“Physically, mentally and emotionally.” Weiss added in.

 **Washington:** Yeah. It’s just that everything seems to be moving so much more quickly now. The suits, the missions, and these - what do they call them? - A.I. things. York, do you think we're moving too fast?

 **York** : The whole universe is moving too fast, Wash.

_York removes his helmet, showing his face and eye injury._

“Holy shit.” Ruby whispered out as they saw the full extent of York’s injury,

“Oh my God, we’ve actually saw a face in this series.” Blake mumbled out,

“You’d think they would have cybernetics…” Weiss muttered as she rubbed the back of her neck,

“Oh… this season is gonna be awesome.” Yang said as she rubbed her hands together, “Or sad. Or both.”

 **York:**  I think we're just trying to keep up.

“But at what cost?” the RWBYs asked in unison.

_CUE THE MONTAGE! INCLUDING SCENES THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT INTO THE SEASON BUT IS NEVERTHELESS AWESOME!_

_Before there was Red vs Blue  
There was PROJECT FREELANCER_

“Looks like they’ve gotten a bigger budget.” Yang said, impressed with the upgrades with the CGI,

“This season is gonna be so awesome!” Ruby called out,

“And from the looks of it, it’s gonna shift its focus from the Blood Gulch Crew to Project Freelancer.” Weiss analyzed, “It would interesting to see what happened during Wash’s days as a Freelancer, before everything fell apart.”

“And everyone tear each other to pieces.” Blake added in, “Yeah, this isn’t gonna be pretty.”

“Oh well, trailer’s done. Ready for the season to truly begin?” Weiss asked as she picked up the remote,

“Hurry up and let’s get to the fights!” Ruby called out,

“I really wanna see what Epsilon’s doing right now.” Yang said,

“Just start already!” Weiss nodded as she pointed the remote at the TV and pressed play.

**(Rounding Error)**

**Church:**  ( _voice over)_  Hi, my name is Leonard Church.

_Fade into an overhead view of Epsilon's mental image of Blood Gulch._

“You know, for the large amount of shit we give it, it’s nostalgic to see Blood Gulch again, even if it has changed a little.” Yang admitted. There was a few seconds of silence before everyone burst out laughing, “Oh who am I kidding, Blood Gulch fucking sucks and it will always will suck!”

“Still, it’s funny that Church chose Blood Gulch out of…” Ruby then paused as she realized, “Actually, I don’t think Church really had a choice in location…”

“Yeah, considering everything.” Weiss spoke up, “So, it’s more like he didn’t choose Blood Gulch because it’s his more precious memories, it’s just the memories he hated the least.”

“Which is still nice if you think about it.” Blake pointed out.

 **Church:**  ( _voice over)_ But nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha and a few people even know me as the Director, but I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a badass space warrior, but I'm really not.

“Really now?” The RWBYs sarcastically said as they rolled their eyes,

“POINT BLANK RANGE!” Ruby yelled out suddenly, freaking out her teammates.

 **Church:** I'm actually a-

 **Tucker:**   _(off screen)_  Hey, Church!

“Oh, I know where this is going…” Weiss groaned.

 **Church:**  ( _voice over)_  Uh... ( _clears throat_ ) Just, uh, ignore him.

“Dude, your opening monologue is already ruined.” Yang said, “Don’t even try.”

 **Church:** I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of-

 **Tucker:**  Church!

“Why is he doing a monologue anyway? There is no one there to talk to!” Blake exclaimed,

“I think he’s talking to us.” Ruby guessed,

“Unlikely. I think he’s just doing it for himself.” Blake replied before sighing, “Well, at least we know Alpha-Church’s narcissism transferred over.”

_Tucker continues yelling in the background as Church continues his monologue_

**Church:**  ( _voice over)_  I'm actually a computer program that’s been reincarnated in the memory of the-

 **Tucker:** Where the hell are you?!

 **Church:**  ( _voice over)_ Okay I'm just gonna start all over…

“For the love of God, the stupid monologue is ruined! There’s no point! I FUCKING HATE MONOLOGUES!” Ruby shouted out and jumped up onto the table, “ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING MOVIE! WE KNOW THIS SHIT! MOVE THE FUCK ON WITH THE FUCKING PLOT!”

“You just wanna see someone fight soon, don’t you?” Blake deadpanned,

“YES!”

“I’m sure it’s coming soon.” Yang reassured her younger sibling, “Just be patient.” Ruby grumbled out something unintelligible before sitting down, “Wait, what about Church’s ending monologue back at Revelation?”

“IT WAS AWESOME, NOW SHUT UP!”

 **Tucker:** Church!

 **Church:**  ( _voice over)_  ( _clears throat_ ) Hi.

 **Tucker:** Church!

“He’s gonna keep doing that until you answer. End the stupid monologue already.” Weiss said, now starting to get impatient.

 **Church:**  ( _voice over)_ My name is Leonard Church.

 **Tucker:** Church!

 **Church:**  ( _voice over)_ But nobody calls me-

“JUST ANSWER THE STUPID PERVERT TEAL/AQUA/WHATEVER GUY!” Weiss yelled out, “JUST DO IT!”

_Tucker appears atop the cliff._

**Tucker:** Hey Church, come on!

 **Church:** _(groans)_  God damn it! What?! What do you want!?

“Just go.” Blake said, just wanting the plot to move on, “Your ending monologue was way better anyway.”

 **Tucker:** Come on! Get up here!

 **Church:** Yeah, okay, hold on. For God's sakes, I'm coming! Shut up! ( _whispers to himself on the way up_ )

_During the moment Church is whispering to himself, the title Red vs. Blue: Season 9 fades upon the screen_

_“_ What a great way to start the season.” Yang said sarcastically, “Not even an episode back in Blood Gulch and already we have someone wanting a teammate dead.”

“So basically the Blood Gulch Chronicles.” Blake groaned,

“I hope our sanity survives another season but I seriously doubt that right now.” Weiss admitted,

“But we still haven’t seen the Freelancer scenes, and we know this season’s gonna focus on them a bit.” Ruby pointed out, “So don’t worry, violence solves everything after all!”

“Not everything.” Weiss corrected, “Only most things.”

 **Church:** God damn it, I can't even have one fucking moment to myself. Can't even be alone with my thoughts, not even for a second. Somebody's always gotta fucking yell, or scream, or "come look at this," or "what's going on over here," or "hey Church, help me out I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" Fucking assholes. God I forgot how much this place sucks.

“Well, the only person you can blame is yourself, Church. This is your least hated memories.” Ruby said.

 **Caboose:** Now when he gets up here, remember the plan.

 **Tucker:** Plan? What plan?

 **Caboose:** We only have one shot at this. Don't let it fall apart.

“Okay Caboose, what the fuck are you thinking about?” Weiss muttered, “Don’t tell me he’s gonna shoot Church as soon as he comes over there.”

“If he isn’t, he’s probably thinking about it.” Blake guessed, “Or trying to make Church his best friend.”

“By shooting him!” Ruby added in.

 **Tucker:** Why are you talking to me like this is supposed to make sense? Is this another one of your idiot schemes to make Church your best friend?

 **Caboose:** Ok. Shsh-remember, let me do the talking.

 **Tucker:** Do the talking about what, idiot?

“Explain the plan, dammit!” Yang called out as she slammed her fists on the table.

 **Caboose:** Don't worry, I got this.

 **Tucker:** What would I be worried about? I don't even know what you're doing.

“I think he’s just talking to himself.” Yang said.

_Church makes it to the cliff, panting heavily._

**Caboose:** Hey Church, welcome to the cliff.

 **Church:** Hey guys. Man, whoo...  _(continues panting)_

“He isn’t very fit, is he?” Weiss spoke up,

“Well, this is probably before the Blood Gulch Chronicle start and this is the first time Epsilon’s in a human body, so of course he would be unfit.” Blake explained, “Anyway, at least he’s fitter than Grif.”

 **Caboose:** Okay, abort. The plan did not work.

“Okay, how did the plan already fuck up!?” Ruby exclaimed, “Seriously, what the fuck was Caboose planning!?”

 **Tucker:** That was it? Okay, now I actually want to know: what was the plan? Because apparently phase one was saying hi. What's next, were you going to wave?

 **Caboose:** Abort. Abort!

“Caboose, your intelligence amazes me every day.” Yang stated,

“In a good way?” Ruby asked. Yang just stared at the red cloaked leader,

“Nope.”

 **Church:** _(still panting)_  Hohw... what're you guys... what do you guys want?  _(gasp)_

 **Tucker:** Dude are you fucking dying? You sound like my vacuum cleaner when it picks up a penny.

“Or, you know, Yang-“ Weiss started before hearing Yang growl at her, “Never mind.”

 **Church:** I'm just a little, uh, out of breath. I'm not used to this, it's been a while since I, uh, had a human body.

 **Caboose:** Oh God, I know, I-I hate having one of those; i-it's like, it always wants to pee. Like all the time.

“Sometimes in the most inappropriate of places.” Blake added in, missing Ruby’s blush,

‘They must never know about the bus stop. Never.’ All of Ruby’s personalities said as they tried to forget the harrowing experience, only to bring it up even more.

 **Tucker:** What the fuck is everyone talking about today? Did I miss a staff meeting? What other body would you have?

 **Church:** It’s uh... it's a long story. Remind me to tell you sometime. So, uh, what's up? What’s going on?

 **Tucker:** We have movement over at the Red Team's Base. I thought we should check it out.

“Okay… that isn’t right.” Weiss said, “Tucker was supposed to be the Blues’ Grif before he became a real soldier. So why is he acting like he cares?”

 **Tucker:** Actually, I thought we should ignore it, but there's really not anything else to do.

“There we go.” The RWBYs said in unison,

“You know, that kinda sounds like us when we were watching the Blood Gulch Chronicles.” Yang pointed out, “Man, we were like completely different people back then.

“I think we still are.” Blake joked, “Even Noire’s willing to admit that Season 6 is where shit really hit the fan.”

“Hey, I was the fangirl before all of you started liking the show, and even I’ll admit that.” Weiss said,

“So much change in so little time.” Ruby muttered, “We are so gonna fuck Remnant up once we get out of here.”

“Yeah…” They all said dreamily,

‘ _Thank you RT fan for the joke_!’ Noire said.

 **Church:** Movement? What kind of movement?

 **Caboose:** The Red kind.

“The worst kind of movement.” Ruby said dramatically,

“You already made that joke!” Yang called out,

“Yeah, I did but here’s one thing… shut up.”

 **Tucker:** Remember that new vehicle they got? They've been making modifications to it.

“Wait a minute, this is supposed to be the Blood Gulch Chronicles at the latest. The Reds shouldn’t be messing with the Chupathingy yet.” Blake pointed out, “Something’s going on…”

 **Church:** Well that doesn't sound good. How are they modifying it?

 **Tucker:** I don't know, why are you asking me?

The girls stared at the screen in disbelief, “…You've been up here watching them all this time.” Weiss stated, “And you can’t you make a guess?”

 **Church:** Wait-you've been up here watching them all this time, can't you make a guess?

“Shut up! All of you!” Weiss shouted at her teammates as they giggled childishly,

“Whatever Weiss Church-Schnee.” Yang joked, before being punched in the face by the Heiress.

 **Tucker:** Well I don't know man, they sure as hell ain't installing a stereo.

 **Church:** Thanks, Caboose what do you think it is?

 **Caboose:** Yeah, actually I was gonna say stereo, but now it seems like a bad idea to say that, so now I'm going to say... radio.

“And video killed the radio star.” Ruby quickly said.

 **Tucker:** That's the same thing, idiot.

 **Caboose:** Yeah I know, but I still think I won somehow.

“And that’s why Caboose is always happy.” Blake said, “Always getting his own personal little victories.”

 **Church:** Here, let me see the sniper rifle, I'll check for myself.

 **Tucker:** Do you even know how to use that thing?

“Okay, he may be a horrible Sniper, but he isn’t that bad.” Yang said,

“Yeah, but Epsilon has never fired a Sniper Rifle before.” Weiss pointed out,

“But no one is that bad.”

 **Church:** Do I know how to use- of course I know how to use it. Don't uh... hey where's the um... how do I make it do the thing, the, thu... the thing, where everything gets closer? Everything gets closer and bigger? How do I do the closer, bigger thing, with it?

 **Tucker:** You mean zoom?

 **Church:** Zoom, yeah that's it, zoom. What's tha-oh are you saying, do I say zoom? Zoom. Zoom! Rifle.

“Okay, maybe they are…” Blake said as her teammate’s jaws dropped, before Ruby took in a deep breath,

“ _You may wanna skip this part._ ” Noire warned, taking over Blake’s body for a second,

"While Leonard "Epsilon" Church III needs no introduction, I do want to state that Church's record of truth-telling is, shall we say, less than a hundred percent. It is first necessary, however, to make clear which facts are not in dispute. There is little dispute that Church is so disgraceful, I could lose heart. There is also hardly any dispute that I am more than merely surprised by his willingness to sucker us into buying a lot of junk we don't need. I'm shocked, _shocked_. And, as if that weren't enough, there is little question that according to the secret charter of Church's crime syndicate, all of Church's subordinates are required to play fast and loose with the truth. No, scratch that. Let me instead make the much stronger claim that we can no longer afford to do nothing about Church's repugnant expedients. Instead, we must strike while the iron is hot and improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society—the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth—all of whose lives are made miserable by Leonard Church.

If natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species then Church is clearly going to be the first to go. He adamantly maintains that diseases can be defeated not through standard medical research but through the creation of a new language, one that does not stigmatize certain groups and behaviors. Such beliefs would be absolutely factual if it weren't for reality. As it stands, Church insists that we ought to worship uncompanionable psychopaths as folk heroes. Naturally, he gives no evidence whatsoever to support that parti pris. Perhaps that's because Church warrants that anyone who disagrees with him is a potential terrorist. Has anyone, at any time, ever been more wrong? We must indubitably ask ourselves questions like that before it's too late, before Church gets the opportunity to pilfer the national treasure.

I happen to believe that Church's criticisms are based on two fundamental errors. They assume that Church can institutionalize sex discrimination by requiring different standards of protection and behavior for men and women and get away with it, and they promote the mistaken idea that the poor, innocent, kitten-loving members of his den of thieves are persecuted by people like you and me. We can justifiably toss most of his reckless, foul-mouthed promises onto our bursting bin of deceitful Church prattle. For proof of this fact I must point out that there is an unpleasant fact, painful to the tender-minded, that one can deduce from the laws of nature. This fact is also conclusively established by direct observation. It is a fact so obvious that rational people have always known it and no one doubted it until Church and his thralls started trying to deny it. The fact to which I am referring states that we've all heard Church yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear.

Church insists that only one or two members of his entire Praetorian Guard are dodgy hoodwinkers. Only one or two members? This is, to put it charitably, an understatement of the facts. It would be far more accurate to say that all of the claims I've read regarding the benefits of Church's slogans have been utterly premature. That is, they always seem to be based on an inadequate exploration of these slogans, their history, and their possible meanings. I warrant it is therefore high time we tend to the casualties of Church's war on sanity. Let me start the ball rolling with the observation that to believe that Church serves as wisdom to the mighty and succor to the brave is to deceive ourselves.

In public, Church promises that he'd never advocate his whinges amid a hue and cry as orgulous as it is lethargic. In private, however, he secretly tells his coadjutors that he'll do exactly that. I think we've seen this movie before: It's called Business as Usual for Church. I despise everything about him. I despise his attempts to cover up his criminal ineptitude. I despise how he insists that he can achieve his goals by friendly and moral conduct. Most of all, I despise his complete obliviousness to the fact that if we don't remove the Leonard Church threat now, it will bite us in our backside when you least expect it. Irrespective of one's feelings on the subject, I take seriously the view that he sates his bloodlust by concealing information and, occasionally, blatantly lying. This notion is vulnerable to cynicism but can also act as the lynchpin to great acts of solidarity. It has the potential to encourage people to encourage the ethos of _exchange value_ over _use value_. It can convince even the most disloyal, dirty publicity hounds there are that Church is good at stirring his henchmen into a frenzied lunacy of hatred and vengeance. Doing so blinds them to the fact that if we fail in our task of drawing an accurate portrait of his ideological alignment, then Church will ransack people's homes.

If Church can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that human beings should be appraised by the number of things and the amount of money they possess instead of by their internal value and achievements, I will personally deliver his Nobel Prize for Rapacious Rhetoric. In the meantime, Church's attitudes, opinions, and aspirations are forged by a desire to drag everything that is truly great into the gutter. (Actually, I can hardly believe how in this day and age, acrimonious killjoys are allowed to exhibit a deep disdain for all people who are not vagarious practitioners of defeatism, but that's not important now.) This screams of the old belief that foolhardy smut peddlers are merely mean-spirited, inficete Machiavellians. This means, in particular, that his fantasy is to overthrow the government and eliminate the money system. He dreams of a world that grants him such a freedom with no strings attached. Welcome to the world of metagrobolism! In that nightmare world it has long since been forgotten that Church contends that his new ventures are fundamentally different from his old ones and should not be equated with them. In my opinion, this is simply a matter of old wine in new bottles. Church's ventures are still based on the same, nefarious, slimy egotism and are still used to obscure the fact that I certainly feel that Church's continual falsifications of history neatly illustrate his adherence to neopaganism. My views, of course, are not the issue here. The issue is that I'm no psychiatrist. Still, from the little I know about psychiatry I can unmistakably say that he seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome. I don't say that to judge but merely to put his confused taunts into perspective.

If you want to hide something from Church, you just have to put it in a book. It is hard to decide what is stronger in him: his incredible stupidity as far as any real knowledge or ability is concerned or the sniffish insolence of Church's behavior. Ideally, our government's actions should set an example for the forms of international cooperation, laws, and institutions that are required to put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity. In reality, however, Church insists that no one is smart enough to see through his transparent lies. That lie is a transparent and strained effort to keep us from noticing that he wants us to believe that the government (and perhaps he himself) should have sweeping powers to arrest and hold people indefinitely on flimsy grounds. This of course is nonsense without any empirical validity, but Church so vehemently insists that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet that this has come to be accepted wisdom, at least by execrable Zoilists. Relative even to unsophisticated misogynists, he is more excitable, more violent, less sexually restrained, more impulsive, more prone to commit crime, less altruistic, less inclined to follow rules, and less cooperative. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that so let me assure you that he coins polysyllabic neologisms to make his squibs sound like they're actually important. In fact, his treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary.

If Church wants to rob us of our lives, our health, our honor, and our belongings, let him wear the opprobrium of that decision. While some of his propositions are very attractive on the surface and are surely entertaining, they ultimately serve to coordinate a revolution. When he hears anyone say that he gives me the heebie-jeebies, his answer is to insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to take a proactive, rather than a reactive, stance. Shall we pretend that Church is a beautiful, caring person with no intention of composing paeans to alcoholism? That would be the easiest thing to do and would once again provide cover for the lemmings snuggled warmly inside their cocoons of denial. However, it would sincerely overlook the imporant fact that Church repeatedly expresses the view that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us. If the average Joe actually paused for a moment to analyze this dreck in a clear-eyed way, he'd realize that Church's huffy patsies like to shout, “Let's welsh on all sorts of agreements. That'll be wonderful. Hooray, hooray!” But that won't be wonderful. Rather, it'll rob, steal, cheat, and murder.

I could tell Church that he listens only to those of his own cast of mind, although he obviously doesn't care. I could tell him that we're all in this mess together, but he wouldn't believe me. He probably also doesn't care that I have always lived my life by the mantra, “A good person will raise a stink about Church and his savagism-prone, mad diatribes”. So let me appeal to whatever small semblance of reason Church may be capable of when I tell him that he used to be a major proponent of fanaticism. Nowadays, Church is putting all of his support behind totalism. As they say, _plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose_. His comments are often appallingly humorless, sometimes dysfunctional, frequently off-point, and occasionally amateurish. Nevertheless, they do tell us something important about Church. They tell us that Church intends to tear down all theoretical frameworks for addressing the issue.

How do you think Church will get his hands on all of the incriminating documents about him that I have in my possession? A secretive home or office invasion, a knock on the door, or his favored battering-ram incursion? Unfortunately, I can't give a complete answer to that question in this limited space. But I can tell you that Church is so immobilized by dementia that he doesn't realize that there is indisputably reason to fear that callous carousers will muzzle his foes by the end of the decade. Even so, I have a soft spot for maledicent Drawcansirs: a bog not too far from here. Our task, then, does seem to run counter to a deep-seated tendency for human beings to react with fear and even hatred to differences, whether those differences are real, created by Leonard "Epsilon" Church III, or imagined. For those of you who believe as I do, our task is to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve." Ruby said extremely and freakishly calmly before taking in another deep breath, “…But also I will kill you because YOUR SNIPING SUCKS!”

“And yet, you spend several days on a thousand word essay on why Doctor Oobleck is a doctor.” Weiss grumbled,

“Unlike those assignments, this is important.” Ruby said,

“There were a few words in there I didn’t know were in the English Dictionary.” Yang admitted,

“Don’t worry, I have no idea if they are even real words.” WBY face palmed at that.

 **Tucker:** Press the black button.

 **Church:** Oh. ( _zooms in_ ) Shut up.

“Never!” The RWBYs yelled out.

 **Tucker:** Hey, I didn't say a word dude.

_Cut to the Red Team working on the Warthog's recent modifications_

Although they were glad to see Donut alive again, they knew it was just a memory of Donut, which made them sad. After a few seconds of paying their respects, they pushed the whole ‘Donut is Dead’ thing and looked at the giant thing that replaced the turret on the Chupathingy, “That is not a chaingun.” Blake stated, “What the fuck is that?”

“Knowing the Reds & Blues, probably not good… for the Reds & Blues.” Yang answered.

 **Donut:** Ok that'll do 'er. Fire it up, boss.

_Sarge gets in the Warthog_

“I wonder where Grif is.” Weiss wondered, “I’m sure Sarge would’ve dragged him out there to help test the thing. He is the Reds’ designated driver.”

“Well, he’s probably doing what Grifs do: doing nothing and not giving a fuck about anything.” Ruby answered.

 **Donut:** Let's test this bad boy out. Simmons, hop up!

“Um, why does Donut sound different?” Weiss asked, “Did they change voice actors or something?”

“No, they didn’t. I’m sure of it.” Blake said as she narrowed her eyes, “It’s more like… I think he’s missing something important in his tone…”

“Yeah. He just sounds more… not ambiguous.” Yang spoke up, “If that’s a valid answer.”

“Okay, there is definitely something wrong here.” Ruby muttered as she shivered, not feeling comfortable with Donut’s tone. It was just… unsettling.

_Simmons get's on the turret_

**Church:** Huh. Yeah, looks like they modified their jeep. They changed the turret. What is that, some kind of radar dish?

“I don’t think so.” Blake mumbled to herself, “If it’s the Reds, it would be more dangerous or at least cause explosions…”

 **Tucker:** I think it's a rocket launcher.

 **Church:** That's impossible. You can't fire rockets from a jeep, dumbass. There'd be too much torque or something like that. It's probably some kind of like microwave transmitter.

“Why would Sarge do that?” Weiss questioned, “If it involved microwaves, Sarge would’ve just built a catapult and fling microwaves at Blue Base. And Grif. Or use Grif as ammunition instead.”

 **Tucker:** Well, they were loading rockets into it earlier. So unless they were microwaving explosives for a tasty snack, it's probably a rocket launcher.

“Hey, aren’t they gonna test that soon?” Ruby pointed out, worried for the Blues,

“They probably can’t see the Blues. They’ve been up there for hours at least. If they knew, they would’ve shot at them by now.” Yang replied.

 **Caboose:** Ah, great. Now I want a snack.

“Well, it is rocket science just to understand Caboose…” Blake muttered.

 **Church:** Hey, didn't you hear what I said about the torque? It's probably like-

_The Reds fire a rocket at the cliff._

“SON OF A BITCH!” The RWBYs exclaimed.

 **Church:**  SON OF A BITCH!

“I think they found them!” Ruby shouted out, “I think they’re testing the Rocket-thingy on them!”

“So much for torque…” Yang laughed awkwardly, “Yeah… they’re dead.”

 **Tucker:** Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.

 **Caboose:** Yeah... I don't know, I think Church was right, I'm pretty sure I just torqued in my pants.

“I think everyone’s pants are torqued in the Blues.” Blake said.

_Another rocket is fired_

**Tucker** : Ah! I hate being right all the time!

“Man, it really sucks to be a Blue.” Yang said,

“Well, they did lose Blood Gulch before it was abandoned.” Weiss pointed out.

_Cut back to the Reds_

**Donut:** ( _yelling_ ) Yeah! Almost got you that time, sluts! Reload, Simmons!

“Why is Donut giving out orders?” Ruby asked, now a little scared, “And isn’t Sarge saying anything, or yelling, or being Sarge?”

“I don’t know.” Weiss whispered back, a little freaked out by Donut’s personality.

 **Simmons:** Alright.

 **Donut:** Let's put the next one right up their ass!

“At least the sexual innuendos survived.” Yang groaned,

“Caboose, what did you do?” Blake said, wondering how messed up Donut was.

 **Simmons:** Uh, okay, sure, but you don't need to say it like that. I think the weapon is equally as effective, no matter where it hits them.

 **Donut:** Start stuffing, Simmons!

 **Simmons:** Okay, okay.

“This is starting to get a little freaky.” Yang admitted. They all quickly agreed someone was wrong with Epsilon’s version of the Reds.

_The screen goes back to the Blues_

**Church:** Was that Donut?

 **Tucker:** I dunno, that's the chick who was working on the jeep.

“Tucker, I thought your eyesight was better than that.” Ruby said, “But then again, he did think Donut was a girl for a while…”

 **Church:** That's not a girl Tucker. He just wears pink armor. It's a guy.

 **Tucker:** It is? Are you sure?

“Don’t tell me…” Weiss groaned, already feeling a migraine forming.

 **Church:** Yes, I'm sure.

 **Tucker:** Uh... then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.

The girls started to blush at that, “He is never gonna get a girlfriend.” Blake said, “He may have an alien baby but he is never gonna get a girlfriend.”

‘ _Watch me_.’

‘What?’

‘ _Nothing_.’

 **Caboose:** During alone time.

 **Church:** What the hell is alone time?

 **Tucker:** Hey, it's one of the rules of the cliff dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.

“And I really don’t wanna know what happened during alone time.” Yang said,

“…I kinda do.” Blake admitted, not noticing her teammates shifting away from her.

 **Church:** What do you do during alone time, Caboose?

 **Caboose:** Oh, I do the same stuff I do during together time. Only half.

“Which is being dumb and doing nothing.” Ruby quickly said.

 **Church:** What?

“Just give into the insanity and just go with it.” Weiss said, now used to Caboose’s stupidity… hopefully.

 **Tucker:** Another benefit of alone time: not listening to him for a few minutes.

_Cut back to the Reds_

**Donut:** Hoorah, bitches! Hoo-fucking-rah!

“It sounds so wrong for Donut to sound so…” Ruby started,

“Manly?” (Blake)

“Testosterone-fueled?” (Weiss)

“Not like a little girl and actually sound like his actual gender?” (Yang)

“All of the above.” Ruby finished.

 **Simmons:** Yeah, take that Blues!

 **Donut:** The next one's blowing your armor clean off!

 **Simmons:** Or it will just hurt you a lot! You know some of us realize that's enough. Why do you keep making it weird?

“Because it’s Donut! It’s one of the defining characteristics of Donut!” Ruby called out, “…Apart from his light-ish red armour.”

_Cut back to the Blues_

**Church:** Dammit. Rocket jeeps? Donut giving orders? This is getting ridiculous. I'm putting a stop to this.

“If it’s anything like his time travel adventure, it will not go well.” Blake muttered,

“But Gamma isn‘t gonna mess it up.” Yang pointed out, “He’s dead, remember?”

“He’s still gonna fuck this up somehow, regardless of asshole A.I.”

_A slight tremor happens_

“Huh? A tremor? Blood Gulch didn’t have earthquakes.” Ruby said, “What’s happening?”

 **Tucker:** Church wait!

 **Caboose:** Tucker, get down! They're firing again.

 **Tucker:** That wasn't a rocket. That was... something else. Church, where are you going? Church!

“He’s gonna die just like in the Chronicles.” Weiss groaned, “He’s gonna fucking die.

 **Church:** To set things straight Tucker. If we're going to do this, it has to be done the right way. Or there's no point in doing it at all. Okay? There's an order to things, Tucker. An _order_.

_"Order" echoes and the screen cuts to black._

“Um, okay, what’s happening?” Ruby asked.

**_PROJECT FREELANCER MCC, MANY YEARS AGO..._ **

_The Director is seen looking at holographic Freelancer Leaderboard. The Counselor walks up to him._

“Whoa.” The RWBYs said as the scene switched,

“So we’re gonna switch from the storyline from the Epsilon Unit, to how Project Freelancer rose and fell.” Blake said, now interested, “Okay, I’m game.”

“Especially the CGI action parts.” Ruby said, waiting eagerly for the scenes,

“Is that… is that a leaderboard?” Weiss asked, “Why does Freelancer have a leaderboard?”

“Probably one of their experiments.” Yang guessed before studying the leaderboard, “York, Wyoming, South Dakota, North Dakota and Washington. All the Freelancers we’ve met apart from Tex and Maine. But whose first place?”

“I think we’re gonna find out soon.” Ruby replied, eagerly waiting for the arrival of Number One.

 **Counselor:** Our operatives are in position, Director.

 **Director:** Good. Send them in.

 **Counselor:** If I may say sir, my testing indicates that this might not be the best...

 **Director:** The system will determine what's best Counselor. The system will determine the order. Send them in.

“Okay, this is gonna be an interesting season.” Yang said, now excited,

“So I’m guessing the Reds & Blues are taking care of the humour while the Freelancers take care of the dramatic action parts of the series.” Weiss guessed, “The BGC being filmed in machinima and the Freelancers being filmed in CGI.”

“Oh, this is getting really good!” Ruby squealed, “And did you see the rankings? Wash is in last place and Maine isn’t even on there! Wash and the Meta are last place, think about how badass Number One must be!”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s do this.” Blake said before picking up the remote and pressing play.

**(The Twins)**

**Counselor** : Our operatives are in position Director.

 **Director:** Good. Send them in.

“Really hope its First Place.” Ruby said, crossing her fingers.

_The Counselor activates a holographic map._

**Counselor:** If I may say, sir. My testing indicates that this might not be the best… team for the job.

“What are they doing?” Weiss asked quietly. Whatever it was, if it involved Freelancer, it couldn’t be good.

 **Director:** The system will determine what's best Counselor. This system will determine the order. Send them in.

_The screen closes up on two soldiers on the holomap eventually showing them in real life._

**Scully:**  Christ is it cold or what?

“And we already have a guy bitchin’ about his job!” Yang called out before sighing, “Almost every organization, army or whatever group has at least one Grif.”

“Who’s the Grif in Beacon then?” Blake asked,

“Uncle Qrow.” Yang answered before holding up her hand, “And before you say anything…” The others waited for Yang to complete the sentence before Weiss got impatient,

“And!?” Weiss yelled out,

“...He went to Beacon. There, I figured something out!”

“And it only took you three minutes to do that.” Blake deadpanned while the others face palmed.

 **Murphy:** Uh huh.

 **Scully** : How cold do you think it is? It has to be at least below freezing, right?

 **Murphy:** Well, there's ice. So, yeah. Freezing.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, shut up. You and your buddy are gonna die in the next 20 to 30 seconds so please don’t go out complaining.” Weiss said before noticing something, “You know, he kinda sounds like Professor Port except… not.”

_Fade in the location of the area:_

_Biorndal Cryogenics Research Facility  
Arctic Ocean_

“Cryogenics? Why is Freelancer interested in Cryogenics?” Yang asked as she leaned in, “What’s so important about this place?”

 **Scully:**  Patrolling in the ice. Give me a fucking break. You know who _doesn't_ have to patrol in the middle of the night, in the ice?

 **Murphy:** I'm sure you'll tell me.

 **Scully:** Jenkins. I bet Jenkins is sleeping right now. Back in his rack, with his big fucking melonhead on a soft pillow.

“He’s probably already dead by now.” Ruby stated, “And so will you two.”

 **Murphy:** Yeah, that's Jenkins.

 **Scully:** You know I had terminal duty 8 weeks straight? 8 weeks man!

“It’s not that long. You’d be surprised how fast weeks go by.” Blake said,

“And yet, it feels like I’ve been here for over two or three years.” Weiss muttered, “God, this summer’s really long.”

 **Murphy:** Well lucky you.

 **Scully:** And then I make one fucking comment about the CO to Jenkins.

“Who is also gonna die soon.” Yang spoke up, “Or is already dead or dying.”

 **Murphy:** Uh huh that's great.

 **Scully:** And the next thing you know I'm out on patrol.

_Murphy is suddenly pulled up from his neck is by a rope._

“Um, what was that?” Weiss asked as she saw Murphy get pulled out of sight,

“A Freelancer.” Ruby answered, “Yep, they are so dead.”

 **Scully:** And then Jenkins gets my next terminal duty. And I get to freeze my ass off out here with...Murphy? Come on Murphy. Hey where are ya? Murph.

“You know, I expected these guys to wear red shirts or something.” Blake admitted,

“Why?” Weiss asked,

“Well, that's so the enemy won't see them bleed.” Blake answered, “And they are sure to bleed a lot.”

“Maybe these guys should be dressed with brown pants too.” Ruby muttered.

_Scully pulls out his pistol and looks for Murphy_

**Scully:** Stop messing around Murph. Murph.

 **Murphy:**  Yeah, in here. Thought I heard something.

“Yeah, his own murder.” Yang muttered.

_Scully holsters his pistol_

**Scully:** Oh yeah? Whatcha hear, a ghost?

_Scully chuckles to himself and walks in the room. He looks down and sees a pool of blood. He looks up and sees Murphy hanging from above, dead. Tilt down to reveal the person who killed Murphy._

“No, I think you just heard one.” Weiss said,

“Knew they should’ve wore red.” Blake whispered to herself.

 **South Dakota:**   _(Using a voice modulator to sound like Murphy)_  Yeah, I guess you could say something like that.

“South!?” The RWBYs exclaimed,

“Wait, if South is here, who is she working with?” Blake asked,

“I think I have a good feeling I know who it is.” Weiss replied.

 **Scully:** What the fuck!?

_South hits Scully in the neck and knocks him over the platform, causing him to fall to his death._

**South:** Hey we clear?

_Zoom to North Dakota camping on top of a smokestack._

It was the first time they saw North alive, and they felt sad as they remembered his fate later in the series, “Man, I’m still having trouble believing she willingly sacrificed her own brother just to live a few days longer.” Yang muttered,

“Hey, when the world’s coming to an end, that’s when people show their true colours.” Ruby said,

‘Whatever the Director did to cause Freelancer to fall apart, I don’t care. He needs to pay.’ Weiss thought as she clenched her fists.

 **North Dakota:** Yes South you're clear but watch your corners. This smoke is good for cover but it's playing hell with my thermals. And the cold isn't helping.

 **South:** What's the time?

 **North:** Don't worry about the time. Worry about the objective. Next patrol is in twenty seconds.

“I wonder what their objective actually is.” Yang thought out loud, “Again, why is Freelancer interested in Cryogenics?”

 **South:** Huh, I'll be gone before that.

 **North:** Okay, slow it down South. Set your motion trackers.

_South hops down onto a soldier's back and kills him; taking his weapon in the process._

“Why wasn’t she this badass in Recreation?” Ruby deadpanned,

“Recreation didn’t have CGI action sequences.” Blake pointed out,

“I know, but she could’ve done more than cower behind a dome shield!” Ruby called out,

“The Meta is a monster. The best strategy is usually the least flashiest.” Weiss said.

 **South:** Nah, takes too long.

“Yeah, so does getting shot.” The RWBYs said in unison, “Set your motion tracker!”

 **North:** So does getting caught. Set your trackers.

_South enters a building containing many guards._

**North:**   _(over radio)_ South! I do not have visual in there. I can't be your eyes if I can't see.

“Come on, listen to your brother or else one of you are gonna-fuck!” Yang swore,

“They’re gonna WHAT!?” Weiss exclaimed,

“No! I don’t mean that! It’s just… God, knowing the future sucks.” Yang sighed.

 **South:** Just trust me North, I got this.

“If I know this show, shit’s gonna hit the fan soon.” Blake said.

_South stealthily sneaks past the guards._

**North:** _(over radio)_ South, talk to me.

 **South:** _(whispers)_  Not right now North. I see the objective, going to initiate transfer.

“They’re retrieving data from a Cryogenics Facility? What does this have to do with Freelancer? What does it have to do with the A.I.?” Ruby asked, “God, it feels more like a training scenario more than anything else.”

“Except it’s real, and we have no idea why there are guards in a research facility.” Blake pointed out, “So, Director, why is this data important?”

_South slides a data key into a machine._

**North:** _(over radio)_  While it's loading set your goddamn tracker. There's bound to be some... South I've got something odd on thermal. Two small dots.

“Maybe it’s just the smoke but you can’t be too careful.” Yang said,

“You know, this is slowly reminding me of that failed stealth mission.” Weiss spoke up while looking at Yang,

“I said I was sorry!”

“SORRY ISN’T ENOUGH!” RWB yelled at the Blonde Brawler.

 **South:** Come on, come on!

 **North:** _(over radio)_ South! Check your six! I think something's in there.

_South turns around and points her pistol at a soldier carrying two cups of coffee._

“Oh, it’s just the coffee guy.” Blake said off-handedly, “He isn’t that much of a threat.”

_The soldier notices an alarm lever next to him._

“I think he’s about to become a threat.” Weiss said as Ruby and Yang got excited,

“Things are about to get loud…” Ruby said as she fidgeted in her seat.

 **South:** Don't. Even. Think about it.

_After swerving his head at South and the alarm, the soldier runs to the alarm. South quickly shoots him, causing the soldier's body to fall towards the alarm in slow motion._

“Alright, you have to admit, it takes some serious balls to do that, knowing that you’re going to die if you do.” Yang admitted while clapping for the fallen guard, “Rest in Peace, Coffee Guy. Rest in Peace.” While Yang was clapping, Blake noted that the coffee cups the guard was currently dropping in slow motion had the words “Charon” on it, but couldn’t really see anything else interesting about the cup, but she put it in the back of her mind for a later date.

 **South:** Aww shit. It's about to get loud.

“No shit.” The RWBYs deadpanned.

_South takes the data file before the body hits the alarm and it begins to blare._

“Now KICK ASS!” Ruby and Yang shouted out.

 **North:** On my way!

_North jumps off the smokestack and smashes two soldier's heads together_

**North:**  Well, so much for keeping quiet. South! Meet me at the helipad for extraction.

“And they might wanna hurry.” Blake muttered.

 **South:** Roger. Might need a minute.

_South runs past three guards & quickly executes them. She jumps off a platform and is soon cornered by three more soldiers. She fires at them & runs forward, kicking two backward and shooting one in the head. She punches one of the remaining soldiers and breaks his leg. She tosses him towards the other remaining soldier and kicks the soldier in face, smashing in a locker._

“Why didn’t she kick ass in the main series again?” Blake asked as she winced at South’s kick.

_South, then again, becomes surrounded, until North appears, firing his sniper rifle. North fires his SMG right into a soldier's stomach like it’s a chainsaw before hitting him and another with the butt of a shotgun._

“OH!” The RWBYs exclaimed as they winced,

“It’s like he sawed the guy in half with bullets!” Weiss yelled out,

“He is not getting back up from that one.” Blake said,

“That was fucking awesome!” Yang shouted out in excitement,

“I know, right!” Ruby said as they high fived.

 **South:** Shotgun!

_North cocks the shotgun, then tosses it to South._

**North:** Catch!

_South catches the shotgun and decapitates a soldier with it while shooting another with her pistol._

“Double Kill.” Yang said, trying to imitate the Halo Multiplayer Announcer Guy.

 **South:** Thanks!

_North & South take cover as a sniper starts shooting at them._

**South:** Sniper! Top of that building!

 **North:** Switch on my mark. Sync?

 **South:** Sync!

 **North:** Mark!

_The two switch positions as South grabs a soldier's body._

**South:** Moving!

 **North:** Go go go!

_South runs to the building where the sniper is, using the body as a shield._

“You’d think their armour would be enough protection…” Ruby muttered to herself before getting back into the action.

 **North:** Watch your left!

_North and South shoot down the sniper along with many other soldiers._

**North** : Get the door, I'll hold them off.

 **South:** We're good, let's move.

“Their teamwork is impeccable.” Blake noted, amazed at how well they were working together, “They’re absolutely destroying these guys.”

“Well, they are twins so they’re bound to work well together.” Weiss spoke up.

_The two pass through the door and run to the landing pad, executing every soldier in their way._

**North:** Switch! Move!

“We’ve seen more impressive kills per minute but I have to say, this is impressive.” Yang said, “And these are just two Freelancers and they’re decimating an entire base! Imagine an entire team.”

_They reach the landing pad, and then notice the soldiers surrounding them._

“How many people are there? Like around a hundred guys?” Ruby asked, “And how many will be left after they get extracted?”

“Hm… I’m guessing… zero.” Yang said as they giggled at the amount of action that was sure to come. Weiss and Blake sweatdropped at the two sisters,

‘If Yang starts calling her Yang Ruby, heads are gonna roll.’ Weiss thought.

 **South:** Oh come on!

 **Base announcer:** Attention assholes, stand down you're surrounded. Give us the data file now!

“Well it’s clear these guys are professional.” Weiss muttered sarcastically as she rolled her eyes, “They are so fucked.”

“Oh yeah.” Ruby said, “Man, that was awesome.”

“And there’s more where that came from.” Blake spoke up,

“Then let’s not waste any more time and get to the good stuff already.” Yang said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Number One)**

**Operator:** Situation is critical sir. Should we do something?

 **Director:** Yes. Send her in.

“Send who in? Send Tex in?” Ruby guessed, “We still don’t know who Number One is…”

“It’s probably Tex. She is a bit of a badass after all.” Weiss said.

 **Operator:**  Roger that. Come in Number One, Number One you are green.

 **Director:**  Activate failsafe.

 **Operator:**  Copy sir. Initiating beta protocol.

“’Beta Protocol’…” Blake muttered, “Hm, wonder what that is.”

“I don’t know but either way, it must be serious.” Yang spoke up.

_Cut to the soldiers surrounding North and South._

**North Dakota:** Well, out of the frying pan and into the fire.

“Well, it’s more like out of the frying pan and into the shit.” Ruby said,

“Which is also on fire.” Blake added in.

 **South Dakota:** Eh, think I could take about 50 of 'em. How 'bout you?

 **North:**  How about you save your jokes until we get out of this?

“We can take out all of them.” Yang said arrogantly and rightfully so, “Though, I kinda doubt the Dakotas can take all of them out by themselves.”

“And that’s why the Director called in Number One, whoever the hell this chick is.” Weiss said.

 **South:**  Where the hell is extraction?!

“I don’t know but you might be getting something else.” Blake as everyone leaned in.

_Cut to Demo Man with soldiers standing behind him. They're all aiming at North and South._

**Demo Man:**  Attention assholes, stand down! You're surrounded! Give us the data file now! You will be taken into custody! We can do this the easy way or the hard way! There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!

_"Number One"/ Agent Carolina, sneaks behind the soldiers, camouflaged in the background._

“Um, who’s that?” Yang asked before looking closely, “Is that Tex?”

“I… don’t think it is. Her helmet is different.” Weiss answered, “No, it’s someone else. Someone new.”

“Number One.” Ruby realized as her eyes widened before she smile manically, “Oh, this is gonna be fun!”

“Especially since she has her own theme music.” Yang added in, “And all awesome characters have their own theme song! Made even more awesome by Latin chanting!”

_She then attacks the soldiers. She then grabs the turret and shoots a support beam, causing the platform, and the soldiers standing on it, to fall._

**North:**  Get down!

_North grabs South and shields her with his body. The two then get up and look at Carolina attacking the soldiers._

“Wow, she’s good.” Ruby said as she saw Number One take out a large chunk of the guards’ forces,

“And really fast at killing people.” Yang added.

 **North:** Son of a bitch.

 **South:** What’s going on?

 **North:**  It's her.

 **South:**  What? What's she doing here?

“Saving your asses.” The RWBYs answered in unison,

_Carolina kicks the turret, making it spin around and shot the soldiers surrounding her before backflips down to North and South as her colors change from black to a lightish, greenish blue color, leaving a spinning turret to kill soldiers. It should also be mentioned that she landed at a three point pose, which made her entrance significantly more awesome._

**Carolina:** Okay, my turn.

“Pyrrha.” The RWBYs said quietly as soon as they heard Number One speak.

_Carolina proceeds to take down numerous soldiers on the ground with great efficiency._

“Holy shit, this chick is fast!” Weiss said in amazement, “And she doesn’t even really have a gun. She came in unarmed.”

“Maybe that’s why she’s first on that leaderboard.” Ruby muttered, “Still, from just three words, that sounded so much like Pyrrha.”

“Yeah, except more mature and serious but Pyrrha is definitely there.” Yang pointed out, “And fucking awesome.”

“You think Pyrrha voiced Number One?” Blake asked, “We had Ozpin and Oobleck, and now Pyrrha’s in the mix now. She is famous, so she’s bound to do some voice acting.”

“We’ll ask her since they’re still coming to get us, but it would’ve been more known if she did voice work. I’ve never heard of Red vs Blue before summer started and Pyrrha never mentioned being a voice actress so I don’t think this is Pyrrha.” Yang explained, “At best, it could be someone with a similar voice to Pyrrha’s.”

“Either way, I think Pyrrha has some explaining to do.” Ruby stated, “Now, let’s get back to the action!”

_Cut to a soldier looking for a gun while the chaos ensues behind him._

“Or not.” Ruby said as the others proceeded to sweatdrop.

 **Unknown Soldier #1:** Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Oh, yes! A rifle!

 **Unknown Soldier #2:**  Uh, hey man.

“Okay, what is this guy doing?” Blake groaned, “There is a fight going on right now!”

 **Unknown Soldier #1:**  I'm saved!

 **Unknown Soldier #2:** Uh, I hate to bother you but I think that's my rifle you're holding.

“Is this really important right now!?” Yang shouted out, “I know we should be supporting the Freelancers, even though we kinda know how messed up the Project is, but for fuck’s sake, GET A GUN!”

 **Unknown Soldier #1:** What the hell are you talking about? Just grab any rifle! Like look at that, there is seriously a pile of rifles, right there man.

 **Unknown Soldier #2:** No, that's my good luck rifle. That's the one I sleep with every night.

“It is a wonder he hasn’t shot himself yet.” Weiss muttered before shifting her gaze over to Ruby, who was blushing profusely. Fun fact: She slept with Crescent Rose for a good few months after she created her. Yang still had photos of her cuddling her weapon.

 **Unknown Soldier #1:** Are you kidding me, man?!

_South kicks the two off the platform. As the Freelancers fight, Red Demo Man gets back on his turret and aims it at South._

“Oh shit, look out!” The RWBYs shouted out.

 **North:** South, look out!

_North pushes her out of the way and gets shot several times in the chest and visor._

“No! NORTH!” The girls exclaimed. They knew he would survive, but it still hurt to see someone who seemed good getting injured,

“Damn it, why does their relationship end in tragedy.” Yang said through gritted teeth, tearing going down her face, “He took bullets for you! And she left him for the Meta! Fuck!”

“How did Project Freelancer go so wrong…” Ruby muttered.

 **North** : Ah!

 **South:**  North! No!

_South runs away from the gun fire while Carolina fires a grappling hook at the turret._

“TAKE HIM DOWN!” The RWBYs called out.

 **Demo Man:** What the-?

_Carolina pulls on her grappling hook, causing the turret to fire beneath him, collapsing the catwalk. Most of the soldiers fall, but the Demo Man falls on a ledge jutting out under the catwalk, and attempts to get up. South is seen helping North walk._

**South:**  I got you. Move.

“Where the fuck is extraction!? They’re not gonna last much longer!” Weiss exclaimed,

“Maybe this is why Number One doesn’t show up or even mentioned before. Maybe this is the mission where she dies.” Blake theorized. The others were about to counter that before pain shot through their heads,

“Ow.” Ruby said, rubbing her forehead, “Wh-What was that? Oh my God, are we getting another memory relapse?”

“No… I don’t… remember anything else…” Yang said, though her arm felt numb for a moment before feeling returned, “But…”

“But what?” Weiss asked as she rubbed her head,

“N-Nothing.” Yang shook her head before they went back to watching the episode.

_She tosses North against the railing. The twins then both fire their weapons at the remaining soldiers._

**South:** Come in, Command! We have wounded, you need to get us out of here, right now!

 **Carolina:**  Come on you two. We're leaving.

“Hey, wait a minute, where’s-“ Weiss got cut off by the next scene.

_She tosses herself, North, and South over the edge. Soldiers start walking over, only to see that they landed on the roof of a Pelican._

“Oh.” Weiss simply said as the girls stared at the arrival of the Pelican, “There’s extraction.”

“Would’ve been really nice if they arrived earlier but at least they aren’t dead.” Ruby said with a sigh of relief,

“Yet.” Blake said darkly, “All Freelancers end up dead. All of them except Wash.”

“They’re gonna make us get attached to the Freelancers, aren’t they?” Yang groaned. The others groaned with her.

 **Carolina:** Sorry about the mess, fellas. Package is secure. Everybody on board.

“Really playing up the fact that they’re the heroes of the story, huh?” Blake noted,

“Yeah. But they’re still part of a tainted, corrupted Project.” Weiss pointed out, “I guess the creators are trying to make the audience forget that, at least for now.”

 _Carolina climbs down a ladder leading into the Pelican's troop bay._   _She enters the cockpit and climbs into the co-pilot's seat._

 **Four-Seven-Niner:** Somebody call for a ride?

“Hey, Recovery Command Woman!” Ruby greeted before growling, “YOU COULD’VE HURRIED UP WITH THE EXTRACTION!”

“No wonder she downgraded to a desk job.” Yang muttered.

 **Carolina:** You're late.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:** Ah well, you can take it out of my tip.

_They fly off in the Pelican and the base explodes behind them._

“WOO!” Ruby cheered, “That was awesome!”

“Yeah, it was…” Weiss muttered as she narrowed her eyes, “But, I didn’t know the twins set explosives beforehand.”

“Number One must set them before helping. Must’ve been the failsafe.” Blake guessed, “Covering their tracks.”

“What are you planning, Director.” Yang said as she narrowed her eyes.

_Cut to Blood Gulch, with the rockets hitting the cliff._

“And back to the comedy!” Ruby announced.

 **Donut:** Nice shot. Hit 'em again, Simmons.

 **Simmons:**  Roger.

“It is so weird seeing Donut in charge.” Blake mumbled to herself.

 **Sarge:** Did we hit 'em?

“The Blues won’t die that easily.” Weiss said with a smirk, “Even if they do, they’ll stand right back up.”

 **Simmons:**  I don't know. Hard to tell.

 **Tucker:**  Missed, bitches!

“I think they missed.” Yang said while chuckling.

 **Simmons:**  Ah, dammit.

 **Donut:**  I have a plan. We need to use stealth.

“Uh… yeah… no…” Weiss said, remembering how much the Reds sucked at stealth.

 **Simmons:**  Great idea.

 **Donut:**  Okay. Let's try this. Sir, you lay down some cover fire. Simmons, the two of us can sneak around their backside and slip on in.

The girls blushed at Donut’s phrasing, “Dude, listen to what you’re saying.” Yang said.

 **Simmons:** Okay. Just saying stealth was enough, man. We don't need to expand on good ideas. Especially after other people have already agreed to them.

 **Sarge:** Sounds good, sir! I mean wait. I'm the sir. But we should do that. Make it so.

“That is so much unsettling shit.” Ruby said, “Why is Sarge not being Sarge!?”

“More importantly, why is Simmons being Simmons while Donut & Sarge apparently switched personalities?” Blake pointed out, “Because holy shit, this is weird.”

 **Church:**  Hey, Reds. Yo. Hold on a second. Cease fire.

 **Donut:**  Who the hell is that?

“Oh God…” The RWBY groaned,

“He’s forgetting that the Reds & Blues are enemies.” Weiss said with a sigh, “He’s gonna get shot.”

“He’s not gonna get shot.” Ruby corrected, “He’s gonna die.”

 **Sarge:** It's one of the Blue guys. He's just walkin' up here.

 **Donut:** By himself? That guy is fucked.

 **Simmons:** Totally.

 **Donut:** He's gonna get totally fucked.

“Is Donut ever gonna listen to himself?” Blake asked as the girls blushed again,

“Well, maybe when he sings…” Yang guessed, “But even then, I’m sure he’ll try to blow himself… away.”

 **Simmons:** Ok, see? Right there. You changed the way you said it, again. Could you not do that please?

“No promises.” The RWBYs stated, “Ever.”

 **Church:**  Hey guys, hold up. Can you hear? Hello?

_Church is shot at._

**Church:**  Ah! What the hell?! Cease fire man, it's me!

“Yeah, it’s you! They hate you! They have the right to shoot you!” Ruby shouted out/

 **Donut:**  Yeah, we know it's you, dipshit. That's why we're shootin'.

 **Church:**  I just wanna talk for a second.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, so what? What does that mean?

 **Church:**  You know, I just wanna talk to you about... uh... some... oh shit. I think I fucked up. I fucked up, didn't I? You guys don't know who I am.

“Really? What was your first clue?” Weiss asked sarcastically as she rolled her eyes, “Because my first clue was them shooting at you. And that they’re the Reds pre-character development. Semper Fi, bitch.”

 **Sarge:** Maybe we should give him a chance. See what he has to say. He could provide some Intel by accident. Or give us the Blue perspective. I always wanted to hear that.

“…” The girls jaws dropped, silenced by the words coming from Sarge’s helmet speakers,

“There is so much wrong with those sentences that I could write a book on it.” Blake said flatly, now thoroughly creeped out by Sarge’s behavior.

 **Donut:** I wanna shoot him.

 **Simmons:**  Ok, just to be clear. I understand what you meant by that. I get that you want to shoot him with bullets.

 **Donut:**  Red-hot bullets.

 **Simmons:**  Please, that's enough.

“Okay, what the fuck is happening!? Sarge being passive and reasonable, Donut being an aggressive, double entendre slinging asshole, Simmons… being… Simmons. I know this isn’t the real Sarge and Donut but holy shit, how did they get fucked up so much!?” Yang exclaimed,

“God, this is like Caboose’s mindscape again.” Weiss groaned,

“Way to state the obvious, you two.” Blake muttered,

‘ _Thank you iron maker2 for the joke_!’ Noire said.

 **Sarge** : Let's hear him out. Then we shoot him.

 **Donut:**  How about I just wound him? Then he can still talk and I get to shoot him. That’s a win-win.

 **Church:**  Not for me, I get shot!

“So it’s a win-win for everyone!” Ruby called out, “But in all seriousness, that’s a dick move, Donut.”

 **Simmons:**  Okay, how about this? Donut gets to shoot you in exchange for you getting to say what you need to say.

 **Donut:** Five minutes of talking for one shot. Where do you want it, Blue? The shoulder or the foot?

“The shoulder.” Yang answered,

“Why?” Weiss asked,

“The Blues don’t have a car and I doubt they’re gonna bring the tank or piggyback him back to base.”

“That… actually makes sense.” Blake admitted.

 **Church:** Well, obviously I would pick the foot but I don't want you guys to shoot me in-

 **Donut:**  Deal.

_Donut fires his pistol. Fade to black._

“Um, I think that’s karma for shooting Caboose in the foot back in Season 2.” Ruby guessed as they winced at Church getting shot.

 **Church:** OW! SON OF A BITCH!

 **Donut:** Okay. Your five minutes have started. Go.

“Well, this is gonna be an interesting season.” Blake said as she turned off the TV. She then noticed Yang rubbing her arm, “Hey, why are you rubbing your arm?”

“Huh? Oh, just a bit of a habit.” Yang answered before standing up, “I’m gonna go and grab a soda from the cafeteria. Anyone want one?” Ruby and Weiss took up the offer while Blake asked for a bottle of water, “God, you are so boring!” Yang joked before exiting the dorm and sighing. She look at her arm before nodding to herself. She made her way over to where they had fought that woman in white and took a deep breath, “Okay, let’s try one more time.” Yang said before her Aura flared.

Suddenly, Purple Dust crystals started growing out of her arm, glowing brightly as Yang recreated the fight to the last detail. She paused the fight before looking at the woman wielding the weird-looking hammer-axe-thing.

“Alright Duster. Show me your secrets.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	71. Left to Lose (Evacuation Plan, Realignment, Familiar Feelings)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue all come from the wiki itself and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

“Damn it.” Yang grumbled as she let the crystals retract into her arm, “Where the fuck did you go?” Yang had been studying the fight and trying to figure out what happened. Yang sighed before looking at her arm. She couldn’t remember how she got it. All she remembered was waking up with it with Adam lying dead in front of, stabbed in the head by Blake’s weapon, while Blake herself was slowly waking up as well. Everything after that was a blur. Apparently, someone had single-handedly drove the White Fang and Grimm out of the school and disappeared without a trace afterwards when people went looking for the guy/girl. After Cinder and her cronies were sent to prison, the year went on like nothing major had happened. The Festival ended with some foreign team named IBLS winning, Penny being repaired and a bunch of other junk happening she really didn’t care about or paid attention to. After that was the mission, getting trapped in Beacon, discovering Red vs Blue…

Yeah, to say the least, things would’ve been a lot more different if the guy didn’t practically save Beacon and everyone in it.

Although, that didn’t explain the giant Dust crystal _growing_ inside her arm…

“Meh, I’ll figure it out later.” Yang mumbled to herself before heading off to the cafeteria.

(Some time later)

“So, we lost our anger towards Red vs Blue after Season 5, right?” Weiss asked, trying to relieve some boredom as they waited for Yang to return with their drinks,

“Yeah. And then we lost our sanity after Revelation.” Blake spoke up, “So, what’s next?”

“I’m guessing we lose our sense of reality if we haven’t already.” Ruby guessed, “I mean, what else do we have to lose? I don’t care about our family worrying about us anymore, I don’t care about the JNPRs coming for us, I don’t even care about the very building we’re in now. I’d be surprised if we don’t raze Beacon to the ground by the end of the summer.”

“Hey, we may be... okay, we’re not the same people who entered Beacon so many months ago but still, at least save the razing of Beacon the next time we get a giant bomb.” Weiss said,

“I still can’t believe we used a giant bomb on that mission.” Blake muttered,

“I still can’t believe we managed to find a fucking giant bomb in that place.” Weiss said with a sigh, “At least it was used before innocents were killed.”

“Yeah, only for the death of thousands of bad guys.” Ruby said,

“Hey, let me remind you Yang issued an evacuation order before we blew the place!” Blake pointed out before whispering to Weiss, “She did issue the evacuation order, right?” The Heiress only shrugged,

“Sorry, I was too busy _running for my life_ to notice!” Weiss called out, “And holy shit, where the fuck is Yang with our drinks!? I WANNA WATCH MORE RED VS BLUE!”

“Sheesh, don’t you have any patience, princess?” Yang said as she walked into the room with a tray with three cans of soda for herself, Ruby and Weiss and a bottle of water for Blake, “I was having trouble finding the soda. We’re running out of supplies now, actually, so we may wanna lighten up on our eating habits.”

“Really? Shit.” Blake swore, “Okay, we need to start rationing our supplies now or else we won’t make it to the end of the summer.”

“Unless we resort to cannibalism.” Weiss muttered as she took a sip,

“Okay, I retract my earlier statement. We need JNPR to rescue us soon.” Ruby said, “Damn it, I knew we shouldn’t have crashed the Bullhead.”

“IT WAS YOUR FUCKING SUGGESTION!” Weiss shouted out,

“Huh? Really, I thought it was Yang’s.” Ruby said, surprised, “Yang flew the damn thing into Beacon Tower after all!”

“Hold on, Blake, didn’t you convince me to crash the Bullhead into the building?” Yang spoke up,

“What!? No! I thought it Weiss’ idea!” Blake exclaimed. There was an awkward silence after that as they slowly realized they just got tricked into crashing their only way out of Beacon by some outside force,

‘ _I just wanna state that it wasn’t me_.’ Noire said inside Blake’s head, ‘ _And that I’m no longer reacting_.’

“…So, Red vs Blue?” Ruby suggested,

“Red vs Blue.” Her teammates said as they all sat down before Weiss took the remote and pressed play.

**(Evacuation Plan)**

**Caboose:**  What happened?

“Well, let’s recap.” Ruby said,

“What is there to recap for the Blood Gulch side? Church attempted to do a monologue, the Reds modified their Chupathingy to fire rockets, they tested it out on the Blues, Church went down there to fix the Reds because holy shit they’re so fucking weird right now and then he got shot in the foot by Donut.” Weiss said, “Yeah… it is not a good day to be Church.”

“I don’t think any day is a good day to be Church.” Blake spoke up.

 **Tucker:**  One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot!

 **Church:**  Ow, that fuckin' hurt!

“Well, getting shot isn’t exactly a pleasant experience in general.” Yang muttered.

 **Tucker:**  Do you think we should try to help?

 **Caboose:**  I don't really see how we can, I can't really get a clear shot of Church from this angle.

“You only have two options in Blue Team: Don’t do anything or shoot your teammate.” Weiss said as she rolled eyes,

“Yeah, it is so not Church’s day.” Blake said with a sigh.

 **Church:**  Ow, man you guys are a bunch of dicks! I just got this foot!

“Would you rather get shot in the head then? I heard that’s _great_ for your muscles!” Yang said sarcastically.

 **Simmons:**  Four minutes left.

 **Church:**  I just wanna say, that you guys are all mixed up. You're doing it wrong.

“Well, technically you’re the one doing it wrong since you thought them up.” Ruby pointed out, “…Hey, did I say that last part right?”

“How the hell would I know?” Weiss replied, annoyed.

 **Donut:**  Doing _what_ wrong?

 **Church:**  This, your team, like, where's Grif?

 **Donut:**  He's in the base cleaning up, he loves to keep things tidy.

The girls leaned back as soon as they heard something about _Grif_ being _tidy_ , “Okay, I know we’ve been saying this a lot but holy fucking shit, that is just plain wrong!” Blake stated.

 **Church:**  No, no, no, see? That's not right, this isn't the way things are supposed to be. It got all confused somehow. Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy!

 **Simmons:**  He's gonna wash his hands for a week if he hears you say that.

“If this was the real Grif, he’d probably take that as a compliment.” Ruby muttered, “Or ignore it and sleep on the spot. Or eat Simmons’ rations. Or all of the above.”

 **Church:**  Grif, come on, get out here man!

 **Grif (inside the base):**  I'm doing my second coat of floor wax! That's when the shine comes to life. I'll be out in a minute.

“I-I think I’m gonna vomit.” Yang admitted, completely disgusted by how out of character Grif and the Reds in general were acting, “Holy shit, this is so wrong on so many levels.”

 **Church:**  Ugh, Sarge come on, be Sarge, yell at him. Get him out here.

 **Sarge:**  Why would I yell at a subordinate? Seems unfair to yell at someone who can't yell back.

Once again, the girls were silent as they seriously being creeped out by Sarge skipping out on a chance to berate Grif. They hoped the Reds went back to the original assholes they knew and somewhat regrettably loved.

 **Church:**  What? That s- what?!

 **Sarge:**  Hey, sorry about calling you fellas “subordinates.”

 **Church:**  This is so lame.

“This isn’t just lame, this is sickening.” Blake groaned, with the others agreeing and joining in.

 **Sarge:**  No offense meant.

 **Donut:**  None taken, boss.

 **Simmons:**  I actually kinda like being talked down to.

‘ _Kinky_.’ Noire spoke up, ‘ _Also_ , _even though it’s Epsilon_ - _Simmons_ , _it does explain a lot_.’

‘Shut up, Noire.’ Blake thought, ‘You’re giving me a bigger headache.’

 **Church:**  Okay, seriously? Sarge, come on. You love being in charge, tell these guys to, you know, shape up or do something.

 **Sarge:**  Well, I guess they could be doin' a better job.

“ **NOT GOOD ENOUGH!** ” The RWBYs shouted out.

 **Donut:**  How?

 **Sarge:**  Uhh, I just want you guys to feel like you're reachin' your full potential.

“Okay, seriously, when will he stop acting like a Flowers 2.0 (bless his soul)? It doesn’t work with him and just the idea of a friendly Sarge makes me want to throw up.” Blake said before holding back some vomit,

“Hopefully, soon.” Weiss replied, feeling a little sick as well.

 **Donut:**  I know I am.

 **Simmons:**  Me too.

 **Donut:**  My potential is so full, I feel like I could fill up a couple other soldiers' potentials.

 **Simmons:**  God damn it, mine's just the regular kind of full.

“You have to admit this is overdoing it, even for Donut’s standards.” Yang admitted.

 **Church:**  And Donut, come on, man. This isn't you, you're supposed to be, you know, free spirited. Not some kind of repressed, overachieving jarhead.

 **Simmons:**  One minute left.

 **Church:**  Dude, wh-what fuckin' clock are you using? It's only been like fifteen seconds.

“No, it’s more like…” Ruby stopped to check her imaginary watch, “1 minute and 37 seconds.”

“Just hurry up.” Weiss groaned.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah? Well, what about me, blue guy? Am I supposed to be different too, you know, someone less nerdy and not lonely every second of the day?

 **Church:**  No, you're pretty much spot on, Simmons.

“Thank God Epsilon didn’t fuck Simmons up. I don’t think we can handle the entire Red Team not being assholes.” Ruby said.

 **Simmons:**  Oh, okay. Great.

“Awkward~” Yang sang out,

‘ _Thank you snake screamer for the joke_!’ Noire called out.

_Donut raises his gun_

**Donut:**  I've heard just about all I want out of this guy.

“Uh, I think he’s about to go for the other foot.” Weiss said, “Maybe it’s time to go back and patch that bullet hole.”

 **Church:**  Uh, I'm leaving, just remember, this isn't the way things are meant to be. You know it, and I know it. Donut, you're a nice guy. You're not a jerk, try expressing yourself a little bit. You know, like, start keeping a uh, like a journal, or a diary or something like that.

 **Donut:**  ( _clearing his throat_ ) A _what_?

 **Church:**  Nevermind, nevermind. I'm leaving, I'm leaving. I'm gonna limp home now, okay? ( _proceeds to do just that_ ) Ow, ow, ow, ow.

“Again, it is not a good day to be Church.” Blake muttered.

 **Sarge:**  The nerve of that guy. He's just tryin' to get in our heads. Right?

 **Donut:**  ( _mumbling_ ) How did he know about my diary?

 **Simmons:**  Your what?

“Your WHAT!?” The RWBYs yelled out as they stared in shock that the real Donut was still in there,

“He has potential.” Yang whispered out.

 **Donut:**  Nothing! I have, I have to go, log, log this in, in my logbook.

 **Grif (inside the base):**  DONUT! DON'T TRACK MUD IN HERE! YOU KNOW BETTER!

“And… back to Crazy Town.” Blake muttered,

“I think we should be worried that the Reds not acting like themselves is a bad thing.” Weiss pointed out,

“It is a bad thing, Weiss.” Ruby spoke up, “Grif should not be clean!”

 **Sarge:**  What do you think, Simmons?

 **Simmons:**  Hard to say, sir. He was talking nonsense, but he sounded so sure of himself. I think he should count himself lucky he got out of this one alive.

_Cut to the Research Facility being destroyed._

“Speaking of people being lucky getting out alive.” Yang muttered as Ruby started to get hyped up for more action scenes.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Incoming transmission.

 **Carolina:**  I got it, this is vehicle Four-Seven-Niner, go for secure.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Secure, hello Agent Carolina.

“Finally! A name that kinda sounds like an actual-wait a minute.” Weiss started before her mind completely stopped,

“’Carolina’? Where have we…” Blake said before she remembered, “Hold on a second, didn’t Church talk about a Carolina twice already?”

“Wait a minute. This is… Carolina? _Two_ A.I. Carolina? Two A.I., brain got fried, then she died Carolina!?” Ruby exclaimed, “…Holy shit.”

“Seriously, what the fuck is happening?” Yang muttered, wondering what other people they knew had their voices in the show.

 **Carolina:**  Good morning, F.I.L.S.S. Nice to hear your voice.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Is this a bad time? You sound, occupied.

“Yeah, considering I just discovered the Number One Top Agent in all of Project Freelancer goes crazy and kills herself but also happens to have the voice of a friend, yeah, occupied is an understatement.” Ruby said,

“…You do realize she was talking to Carolina.” Weiss deadpanned,

“I know, but I’m wrapping my head around the fact that Two A.I., brain got fried and then she died Carolina has Pyrrha’s voice.” Ruby said, “Anyway, back to the awesome CGI.”

 **Carolina:**  The LZ got a little... hot. We may be late for the rendezvous, but we'll get there. Don't leave without us.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  Understood, it sounds like the Director was right to send you along to assist the teams.

 **Carolina:**  Seems that way, can't say everyone on board feels the same.

“Well, it was kinda necessary. They were a little bit screwed back there.” Blake said.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  All Agents accounted for, excellent work.

 **Carolina:**  F.I.L.S.S, I see a blank spot in the head count. Please verify.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  We will see you at the rendezvous, Agent Carolina. Fly safe, and have a nice day.

“Okay, that isn’t suspicious.” Yang said as she rolled her eyes, “Man, even back in the day Freelancer has been keeping secrets from people. Even their own Agents.”

“I wonder who the blank spot is.” Blake muttered to herself as they continued watching.

 **Carolina:**  Roger that, Carolina out. South, check our six.

 **South Dakota:**  Heads up, we've got company back here!

_Two Longswords fly behind the Pelican._

“Did they seriously need fucking jets to protect a cryogenics facility!?” Weiss exclaimed while Yang drooled at the sight of new vehicles,

“Well… yeah, considering what just happened.” Ruby pointed out, “But seriously, how much resources do these guys have?”

“Who cares? It makes for better action!” Yang called out.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Who are your friends?

 **Carolina:**  Just some people we met at the party.

“And they brought party favours.” Weiss said, “Lots and lots of party favours.”

_The Longswords proceed to fire at them._

**Four-Seven-Niner:**  They seem nice.

“You know, I have to give Four-Seven some credit.” Yang admitted, “She is surprisingly calm considering everything.”

“She probably does this daily.” Blake spoke up, “Which makes her perfect for Freelancer. Calm even in the face of danger.”

_The Longswords open fire on the Pelican again, while Four-Seven-Niner maneuvers around them._

**Carolina:**  Nice moves, firing missiles.

_Carolina fires the missiles, but the Longswords evade them with ease._

“Looks like they aren’t losing them any time soon.” Ruby said, “They need to get out of there fast. Especially with North’s injuries.”

 **South Dakota:**  Can't you get us out of here?!

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  I'm working on it.

_The lock on light begins beeping._

“Oh shit, that is not a good light.” Yang stated.

 **South Dakota:** What's that noise?

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  They have missile lock.

 **South Dakota:**  That's bad.

“Yes, missiles are bad. Thank you for stating the obvious, South!” Weiss shouted out.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Yeah, that's bad.

 **South Dakota:**  Take evasive maneuvers!

“What the hell do you think she’s trying to fucking do!?” Blake exclaimed.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  I'm trying.

 **South Dakota:**  Well, try harder!

“I think my hatred for South is igniting again.” Ruby growled as her eye twitched.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Hey South? Do me a favor, would ya?

 **South Dakota:**  What?

_Four-Seven-Niner seals the door to the loading dock._

“Well, that’s one way to do it.” Blake chuckled out with the others giggling at Four-Seven’s unique way of shutting South up.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Thanks.

 **South Dakota:**  You stupid bit-

_The Longswords fire their missiles at the Pelican._

“Here comes more party favours!” Yang called out.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Releasing flares!

_Four-Seven-Niner fires off flares to deter the missiles, but still ends up getting hit._

“Shit, they aren’t gonna stay in the air much longer. They need to get out of there yesterday.” Ruby said, eagerly waiting for something to save the Freelancers.

 **South:**  I hate flying!

_South Dakota is thrown around the loading bay and is knocked out. North Dakota begins regaining consciousness._

“Well, that’s what you get for not wearing your seatbelt, South.” Weiss joked, “But seriously, she really should’ve sat down or something.”

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Hey, everyone hold on back there. Things are gonna get a little um...

 **Carolina:**  Bumpy?

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Yeah, well I was gonna say crashy, but yeah, bumpy works.

“Real vote of confidence there, Four-Seven.” Ruby muttered.

_Four-Seven-Niner flies the Pelican into an ice canyon to try and avoid the Longswords' missiles, to a bit of success._

**Carolina:**  Countermeasures depleted. North, get moving. I'm clearing you for equipment usage.

“Wait, what!?” Yang exclaimed, surprised, “But he’s injured! He’s in no condition to even move, let alone use armour enhancements and I doubt anyone had an A.I. back then. And what the hell can he do anyway!?”

“Carolina, I hope you know what you’re doing.” Weiss said as everyone leaned forward.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Whatever you're gonna do back there, do it fast.

_Cut to North putting South in a seat._

**North Dakota:**  Stay safe, kiddo.

Team RWBY couldn’t help but wince as their hearts warmed. It was sweet seeing North taking care of South, but winced at the memory of their fates.

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  North, North!

_North Dakota starts making his way to the ladder, with the HUD on his helmet flashing Helmet Malfunction, takes off his helmet and tosses it aside as he climbs the ladder, working his way to the middle of the Pelican._

**North Dakota:**  Well, here goes nothin'.

“Wait, what was North’s armour ability again?” Ruby asked,

“I think we’re about to find out.” Blake replied as they waited in anticipation.

_The Longswords fire off another volley of missiles, but are blocked off when North activates his drop shield._

“WHOA!” The RWBYs exclaimed,

“Holy shit, he just stopped all those missiles!” Yang shouted out in surprise, “That was awesome!”

“WOO! Way to go, North!” Ruby cheered while Blake & Weiss let out a breath they didn’t remember keeping in.

_The Pelican then starts heading downward towards the ocean._

**Carolina:**  Pull up, pull up!

_The Pelican manages to get balanced before crashing into the ocean._

“That… was way too close for comfort though.” Weiss said as she wiped some sweat off her brow,

“But there’s still the two jets after them.” Blake pointed out, “They still need to take them out if they wanna return home safely.”

_The rendezvous light begins flashing._

**Carolina:**  There's the rendezvous point, if we're gonna make it, you better punch it.

“So PUNCH IT!” Ruby yelled out.

_North Dakota collapses back into the loading bay in critical condition. A yellow beam is shot in the distance, destroying one of the Longswords._

**Carolina:**  Whoa!

“SON OF A BITCH!” Weiss screamed out, “Where the hell did _that_ come from!?”

_The clouds begin to clear, revealing the UNSC Frigate **Mother of Invention**._

“Oh.” Ruby started,

“My.” Weiss added in,

“Fucking.” Blake continued,

“God.” Yang finished as a shudder went down her spine, “It’s… so… boring…”

“WHAT!?” Weiss & Blake shouted out, freaking out due to Yang not freaking out, before seeing Ruby put her hand up,

“Wait for it.” Ruby said,

“It’s… so… boring… into my soul because it’s so FUCKING AWESOME!” Yang yelled out as she cried tears of joy at the sight while frothing at the mouth, “IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL! THE GUN IS FUCKING AWESOME! THE DESIGN IS AWESOME! I DON’T CARE IF IT’S FREELANCER SHIT! OH FUCK! EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! I CAN’T HANDLE IT! I CAN’T FUCKING HANDLE ALL THE FUCKING AWESOME! OH! OH GOD! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I THINK I’M GONNA-MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I’M GONNA-“ And that was the last thing Yang remembered before everything went dark.

(One hour later)

When Yang came to, she felt good yet tired and drained at the same time, “Ugh… what happened?” Yang groaned as she stood up. She looked around and saw her teammates just staring blankly at her. They all blushed before looking away, “What?”

“Just be glad you didn’t flood the school.” Weiss muttered, which Yang didn’t quite catch. She just shrugged and went back to watching.

_The Mother of Invention fires off another beam from where the MAC would be, destroying the other fleeing Longsword._

“Thirty fucking minutes.” Blake said exasperatedly,

“What was that, Pussy Cat?” Yang asked, wondering what was wrong with the team today,

“Nothing!”

 **Four-Seven-Niner:**  Mother of Invention, we're inbound.

 **F.I.L.S.S:**  We will have medical personnel waiting for you in the landing bay. Welcome home, Four-Seven-Niner.

 **Carolina:**  Thank you F.I.L.S.S. Good to be home.

“Well, I feel drained.” Ruby said as every slumped down in their seats, “And it’s only just the first episode of the set.”

“Yeah.” Blake muttered as rubbed her eyes, “And it’s only downhill from here.” The RWBYs groaned as they wondered how they’ll get through the season,

“Well, daylight’s burning. Let’s just keep going.” Yang said before picking up the remote and pressing play.

**(Realignment)**

_Camera pans to show Epsilon-Church limping his way to Blue Base with Caboose standing at the entrance_

**Church** : Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

“Once again, it is not a good day to be Church.” Blake muttered,

“Which is practically every day.” Ruby added in.

 **Caboose** : Church, you're home! Welcome back.

 **Church** : Yeah, yeah, thanks for helping me while the Red's just shoot me in the goddamn foot.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, well you told us to stay on the cliff and I did... Yeah that was helping.

“Just be glad Caboose didn’t demonstrate his definition of helping.” Weiss said, “And really, you only have yourself to blame. You did say you wanted to get shot in the foot after all.”

“Though, it would’ve been a lot smarter if he got shot in the shoulder.” Yang pointed out, “Walking with a bullet wound in the shoulder is a lot faster than limping.”

 **Church** : Oh really? Then why aren't you on the cliff right now?

 **Caboose** : Oh I thought the helping part was over.

“Plus, they probably got bored or thought he died.” Weiss guessed.

 **Church** : Ow, ow, ow, assholes, ow.

“Oh, and you’re just realizing it now?” Blake asked rhetorically.

_Tucker emerges at the top of the base_

**Tucker** : You're back already?

 **Church** : What do you mean “already”!? It took me half an hour to limp across this goddamn canyon

“Really? I thought it would’ve taken a lot longer than that.” Ruby admitted, “Maybe anger fueled his journey.”

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but we thought they were going to kill you, I expected you back never so in my mind you're early.

 **Church** : Shut up.

 **Caboose** : He is right about the two different times.

“I don’t get it.” Yang said, looking a little confused.

 **Church** : You shut up too.

 **Caboose** : Alright, now the helping part is definitely over!  _(Walks into the base)_

“And now he pissed off Caboose.” Blake said, “Way to fix things, Church. Glad you’re the hero here.”

 **Church** : Damn it. This is exactly what I get for trying to fix things.

 **Tucker** : What are you fixing?

 **Church** : Everything. Us. The Reds. Trying to make things the way they're supposed to be.

“I don’t know, you pretty much got the Blues right. Caboose is still an idiot and Tucker is still a virgin pervert. It’s just the Reds that are fucked up.” Weiss pointed out before everyone in the room shuddered.

 **Church:** _(groans sharply)_  My foot!

 **Tucker** : Are you okay?

“Does he look okay to you!?” Ruby shouted out, “Because I’m sure I won’t be okay with a bullet in my foot!”

 **Church** : Am I oka- Do I look okay? Do I sound okay?

 **Tucker** : I don't know you're wearing full body armor and bleeding. That means you're either dying or just whining.

“It’s actually a little bit of both.” Yang said with a shrug.

 **Church** : Well I'm hurt, alright.

 **Tucker** : Do you want me to call Command? Have them send a medi-

“NO!” The RWBYs yelled out,

“I don’t want an Epsilon-Doc!” Weiss cried out.

 **Church** : No! No medic, I'm not hurt that bad, besides those guys are just... bad luck.

 **Caboose** :  _(Walks out of Blue Base)_  I already called Command.

 **Church** : You did?

“Oh dear lord.” Blake groaned, “This is going to end badly.”

 **Tucker** : Caboose you're not allowed to use the radio!

 **Caboose** : Right. Unless it is an emergency. And then I can use it to call Command. …And also 800 numbers I see on TV. Because those are free to call.

“Like hell they are!” Yang shouted out, looking thoroughly annoyed as she looked at Ruby, “We had to learn the hard way. Isn’t that right, Ruby?”

“Oh yeah…” Ruby replied, remembering the moment, “But those adventure packs and weapon components were so awesome.”

“Maybe, but only because you ordered it under _my name_ with the credit card dad gave me to use for emergencies. He ended up grounding us both!” Yang growled,

“Yeah, sorry…” Ruby said while laughing nervously, “But I explained how it was my fault once dad calmed down so you were grounded for only a little while. Besides, I only did that because was six, I didn’t know any better. Plus, you were old enough to make the order and I wasn’t.”

“That should’ve been your first clue that it was wrong!” Yang shouted angrily, “AND IT WAS TWO YEARS AGO!”

‘ _Thank you RT Fan for the joke_.’ Noire quickly said.

 **Church** : 800 numbers?

 **Tucker** : Damn it Caboose what did you order this time!?

 **Caboose** : Nothing.

“Is it a Shake-Weight?” Blake asked,

“What the hell is a ‘Shake-Weight’?” Weiss asked. Blake had to force herself not to laugh as she started planning various evil things for the Heiress,

“Oh, I’ll show you once summer’s over.” Blake answered while in her head she was laughing manically.

 **Tucker** : Caboose.

 **Caboose** : I promise you will not see anything show up here that I ordered, nothing at all. For at least six to eight weeks.

The girls just face palmed at that, “I swear, if he ordered one of those stupid vac-cum cleaners…” Weiss muttered,

“Wait, don’t you mean ‘vacuum’?” Yang asked. Weiss only stared at Yang before giving her response,

“No.”

 **Tucker** : Damn it.

 **Church** : What the hell is he talking about?

 **Caboose** : Well, you sound upset. You probably want some beef jerky. It'll be ready in six to eight weeks.

“Well, I do imagine Church as a guy who would like beef jerky.” Blake admitted.

 **Tucker** : You ordered a food dehydrator didn't you?

 **Caboose** : Oh, you won't be so mad when we are storing  _twice_  as much ammo as we normally can!

 **Tucker** : For the billionth time Caboose, you can't dehydrate bullets!

“You don’t know that.” The RWBYs quickly stated,

“We can’t exactly spend too much time reloading our weapons after every fight after all.” Ruby said as she patted Crescent Rose’s magazine.

 **Church** : You actually order all those stupid gadgets that you see on TV?

 **Caboose** : Maybe, sometimes, and that Special Forces person also.

 **Tucker** : You idiot.

“Such an idiot…” Weiss mumbled before she realized what Caboose just said, “Wait, what did you just say?”

 **Church** : Wait what did you just say?

“MOTHERFUCKER!” Weiss yelled out as she slammed her head into the table,

“Church-Schnee~” Yang sang out. She went and shut herself up when Weiss gave her the exact same look she gave Noire before she did things to her rear end,

“Wait, wasn’t Tucker supposed to call for Tex _after_ Church got team-killed by Caboose?” Blake pointed out,

“Well, they did think Church was dead…” Ruby muttered.

 **Caboose** : Oh, yes, yes they are sending someone to help us.

 **Church** : Command is?

“Who else?” Weiss asked before groaning, “Don’t tell me there’s a Epsilon-Vic…”

 **Caboose** : Yes! Unless that's bad in which case I don't know what you are talking about.

 **Church** : What? They aren't supposed to send anybody until after I die.

“Well, the world your living in now is basically an alternate universe,” Blake explained, “A really shitty alternate universe, but an alternate universe nevertheless. There are bound to be some deviations from the base timeline. Especially with the fucked up versions of the Reds.”

 **Tucker** : We thought you were dead dude, you walked into Red Base.

 **Church** : Caboose, did they say who they were sending?

“It’s probably going to be Tex. Pretty sure Church not technically dying won’t influence that.” Yang said.

 **Caboose** : Uh, yes, they definitely did.

_Short pause_

“…Well?” The RWBYs called out.

 **Church** : …Okay, do you remember who they-

 **Caboose** : -No.

“That was expected.” Ruby muttered as the girls face palmed.

 **Church** : God damn it.

_Cut to Red Base_

“And back to the Reds.” Weiss groaned, not wanting to see the Reds.

 **Simmons** : Hey Grif, Grif.

 **Grif** : Stop right there Simmons.

 **Simmons** : What? Is it danger? The Blues?

“Unfathomable stupidity and ignorance?” Blake asked, desperately hoping for that.

 **Grif** : No, you are not walking across my floor with those boots; I just mopped it.

_The floor gleams to show the freakish cleanliness of the floor._

“For the love of our… whatever we have left, stop being clean Grif.” Yang begged. The team literally wanted to throw up right now. It was _sickening_ seeing Grif so clean.

 **Simmons** : Grif, there's no time for this.

 **Grif** : Time for what Simmons, a job well done? There's always time for that, I believe you know my motto.

 **Simmons** : You don't have a motto.

“If he had a motto, it would be ‘Fuck it’!” Blake yelled out, “Or a series of half-assed grunting and mumblings.”

 **Grif** : That's right because there's always something more productive that I could be doing. Who has time to sit around and make up mottos when they could be buffing the floor?

“I wanna vomit so badly.” Weiss said, trying to keep the bile down her throat.

 **Simmons** : Well, I need to get through.

 **Grif** : Sorry you're just going to have to wait five more minutes. It's not that long. Just do what I do, count to three… a hundred times.

“I don’t think the real Grif can count to one hundred.” Ruby admitted, “Or be bothered to do something more than once.”

 **Simmons** : Why wouldn't I just count to three hundred?

 **Grif** : Because doing things three times is fun.

“The rule of three is pretty common. Not too much to make it boring but not too few to make it short.” Yang said.

 **Grif:** Turning off light switches, locking the door, turning off light switches…

 **Simmons** : You said turning off light switches twice.

 **Grif** : You're right. I should probably say it a third time just to make sure no one I love dies. Turning off light switches, there that feels better.

“What the fuck is happening?” Ruby whispered to herself as they just stared at the screen.

 **Simmons** : Dude, you have issues.

 **Grif** : I also have a clean floor which you can't walk on.

_The floor gleams to show the freakish cleanliness of the floor… again._

Weiss couldn’t take it anymore and rushed to the bathroom to vomit, “Grif should not be clean. Grif should not be clean.” RBY chanted out. After a few minutes and Weiss returned, they went back to watching.

 **Simmons** : But I need to get-

 **Grif** : -Simmons, you know the rules and what happens when we abandon the rules? Everybody gets germs and dies.

“GRIF SHOULD NOT BE CLEAN!” Weiss yelled out.

 **Simmons** : Oh, silly me. I forgot the reason I came in here. Sarge wants you to take a break Grif. You're on break right now.

 **Grif** : A break. Um, I'm not familiar with the concept.

“Oh dear lord…” Blake muttered as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Simmons** : Just stop working. Relax.

 **Grif** : Relax, hm yeah right, and how exactly would I go about doing that, is there like a manual I could read or something I-?

 **Simmons** : Just stop cleaning. Do nothing.

“That’s what Grifs usually do.” Yang said, “Hopefully, start doing it soon. I might jump out the window if this keeps up.”

“We’re out of windows.” Ruby pointed out,

“Yeah, we ran through the entire supply of windows.” Weiss said, “If we need to replace our one, we either board it up or we start stealing windows from the other dorms and rooms.”

 **Simmons:** What happened to Donut?

 **Grif** : He's in his bunk, reading that book he always reads.

 **Simmons** : What book?

“His ‘logbook’ I’m guessing.” Blake guessed.

 **Grif** : Don't know, I don't ask and he doesn't tell. It’s got flowers on it.

“Well, at least there’s at least _some_ normalcy among the Reds.” Yang sighed in relief. Weiss chuckled a little at what Grif said, “What? Why are you laughing?”

“Oh, it’s just a little military joke I learnt from Winter a long time ago.” Weiss explained. Yang didn’t press any further and continued watching.

 **Simmons** : Flowers?

 **Grif** : And drawings of things like hearts, he likes to read it and cry.

 **Donut** :  _(walks in)_  I'm not crying.

“Oh, you are so crying.” Ruby said with a smile.

 **Simmons** : Sarge needs your help Donut. We're building a robot using that Robot Building Kit Command sent us.

“They’re building Lopez aren’t they?” Blake deadpanned, “Let’s hope they don’t fuck up the speech unit this time.”

“Knowing Sarge, despite his weirdness, he’ll probably mess it up.” Ruby said.

 **Donut** : I'm not really feeling up to it today.

 **Simmons** : That Blue guy have you depressed? You're bothered by what he said aren't you?

 **Donut** : Maybe.

“Definitely.” The RWBYs corrected.

 **Simmons** : Why did you listen to him? I didn't even know you had feelings Donut.

 **Donut** : Well I do, okay!

“Everyone has feelings, no matter who or what you are.” Blake said, “Except Grimm. Grimm are dicks.”

 **Simmons** : Whatever. Come help us if you want, up to you.

 **Donut** : Okay, I'll be out in a minute. I wanna get my head together. I need to clean my weapon. Maybe light a few candles.

“Make sure they’re scented.” Weiss suggested, happy that Donut was starting to act like the real one. She sighed sadly when she remembered the real Donut was dead.

 **Simmons** : Uh… candles really not the best light source for field stripping a pistol.

 **Donut** : Ugh, not everything is about function Simmons.

“Sometimes, you have to go for style.” Ruby spoke up.

_Donut runs across Grif’s clean floor, defiling it with its horrible dirt footprints._

**Simmons** : What did I say!?

 **Grif** : Uh, what? Sorry I wasn't listening, I was- I was kinda doing nothing.

“And slowly, there’s the Grif we all know and-“ Yang paused as she tried to figure out what her feelings towards Grif was, “Er… love but I really want to shoot in the face a million times. That works, right?” Her teammates nodded.

 **Simmons** : Looks like Donut got tracks all over your shiny floor Grif.

 **Grif** : Oh well, I'm on break anyway right? Why should I give a fuck? ( _Small tremor happens_ ) Whoa, that felt really really good to say that.

“Another earthquake? What’s happening?” Ruby asked,

“Probably the universe reacting to Grif going back to normal.” Blake guessed, “Thankfully too.”

“No… that’s not it.” Weiss muttered, “I think… it’s something more.”

 **Simmons** : What is wrong with everyone? Man, I hate when things change.

_As Simmons' last words echo, the scene cuts to the UNSC Mother of Invention flying through space as the camera pans into the control room_

“And back to the Freelancer section of the show.” Yang said, “Let’s see why they needed that data.”

 **Director** : The data you recovered has pinpointed the location of a very important target for Project Freelancer. Excellent work.

 **South Dakota, North Dakota, & Carolina**: Thank you, sir!

The girls stared at the screen in front of them as they processed the information, “…That’s it. A location. You guys slaughtered an entire private military and blew up their shit… for a location.” Weiss stated before sighing, “God damn it.”

 **Director** : Counselor, please update the board.

“What is the point of a stupid leaderboard anyway?” Blake asked, “It looks like they’re supposed to be a team, right?”

“Another one of the Director’s experiment, maybe?” Ruby guessed.

_The Counselor uses his handheld pad to move North up to #4 on the board and South down to #5_

**Director** : That is all. Dismissed.

_South, in shock, rips off her helmet_

“Looks like someone’s pissed.” Yang said with a wince.

 **South Dakota** : I thought you said the mission was a  _success_ , Sir?

 **Director** : One of the mission objectives was  _stealth_. Your carelessness revealed our intentions and made our next mission more difficult. They'll be ready for us. Dismissed.

“No matter how much I hate the Director, he is right. They need all the advantages they can get and she did screw up the mission.” Blake said.

_South angrily walks to the door_

**Carolina** :  _(to North)_  Think I should talk to her?

_South punches the door control panel, causing it to break and fall off the wall after walking out of the room_

The girls leaned back as they saw South destroy the control panel, “I’m assuming that’s a no.” Ruby said.

 **North** : Maybe we give her a minute.

“I am _so_ glad that the Reds have signs of coming back to normal.” Yang said as she breathed a sigh of relief,

“Like they were normal to begin with.” Weiss muttered, “But yeah, it’s good to see the Reds are starting to act like the Reds. Well, apart from Sarge.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure something will happen that will cause Sarge to hate Grif again.” Blake said as she picked up the remote, “Anyway, this is the last episode of the set. Anyone doing something after this?” Everyone shook their heads, “Okay then. Let’s start.” Blake said before pressing play.

**(Familiar Feelings)**

_Church and Caboose are standing atop Blue Base._

**Church** : Okay, Caboose, think back. When you called Command about the Special Forces person, what did they say to you?

“Oh, I can already tell this is gonna go well.” Weiss said with a sigh. She expected the worst.

 **Caboose** : They said, "This is Command. We read you Blue Base."

 **Church** : After that.

 **Caboose** : "Roger. Over and out."

“This is going to get annoying fast. I just know it.” Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Before that. Somewhere between those two. "Goodbye" and "Hello" are not the important parts of the conversation.

“Hey, that’s impolite!” Ruby called out, “Show some manners, asshole!”

 **Caboose** : No I know, and my name isn't even Roger... although that is a very cool name. I wonder if it fits? Roger shut up. Roger don't put that in your mouth. Roger put that down. Roger will you please be my best friend. Signed, Church. P.S. Your new name is the best. I like it. Signed, Church... again.

“I really wish Church fucked up Caboose. I really do.” Yang said as the girls groaned.

 **Church** : ( _getting aggravated_ ) What did they tell you in the middle? What did they say? I need you to focus, Caboose.

_Caboose stands quietly still_

**Church** : ( _groans_ ) Ugh... I need you to focus  _Roger_.

“It’s like talking to a 3 year old.” Weiss muttered, “And 27 year old 3 year old with the mental capacity of an ant.”

“And that ant is at least ten times as smart as Caboose.” Yang added in.

 **Caboose** : ( _lively again_ ) Okay, they said that since one of our troops was hurt, and since we're outnumbered, they would send us a special agent to help us recover.

 **Church** : And they said that agent would be here...

“From the real world, I’m guessing within a few hours.” Blake guessed.

 **Caboose** : Yes.

 **Church** : No, no, n-not yes. When?

 **Caboose** : When I was on the call with them.

“Stop just saying ‘When’! Specify when the special fucking agent coming!” Ruby shouted out, “Make it understandable to idiots!”

 **Church** : I mean the special agent.

 **Caboose** : No, no see the operator said that.

 **Church** : ( _becoming frustrated_ ) When!?

“I think Epsilon is getting angrier and angrier every episode.” Yang said, “He is starting to become more like Church every episode.”

“And with that, the urge to shoot his teammates even though he can’t.” Blake added in.

 **Caboose** : When I called Command. How else would they tell me?

 **Church** : Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop... Let's just… go through this step by step, okay?

“Taking it slow will not help.” Ruby said.

 **Church:** You called Command.

 **Caboose** : Yes.

 **Church** : And they said they were sending a special agent.

 **Caboose** : Yes.

 **Church** : To our base.

 **Caboose** : Yes.

“All of that has been established previously.” Weiss spoke up.

 **Church** : When did they say the special agent was coming?

 **Caboose** : Oh, right before they gave me my new nickname.

 **Church** : ( _furious_ ) God damn it, Caboose! Alright just forget it!

“You know, Church sounds like dad whenever he tries to get me to spill where I go out late.” Yang chuckled, until what she said suddenly sank in, ‘Church… sounds… like… dad. Ch-Church sounds like…’ Weiss & Blake looked worried as they saw Yang’s face morph from amusement to shock and horror,

“Hey, R-Ruby, I think something’s wrong with Y-“ Weiss tried to ask as she turned to Ruby, only to find that Ruby had adopted the same expression that was on Yang’s face as her sister’s words brought her to the same realization, “Um…”

“Uh… guys…” Blake said nervously, before the two sisters jumped up,

“OH MY GOD, CHURCH IS DAD!” They both yelled out as Weiss and Blake held onto each other while the two continued to freak out,

“Seriously? After nine fucking seasons, they figure it out now?” Weiss whispered to Blake as the sisters screamed in horror while in fetal positions,

“Well, they aren’t the smartest in the team.” Blake admitted, with Weiss silently agreeing,

‘Maybe it’s time for some payback for calling me Church all the time.’ Weiss thought as she smiled evilly. This was going to be a very fun-

(One Year Later)

“So the blood tests came in today and…” Blake said as she studied the document, “Yep, you’re all related.”

“WHAT!?” Ruby, Weiss & Yang yelled out,

“I’m joking.” Blake quickly said with chuckle, “But in all seriousness, Ruby has diabetes.”

“WHAT!?”

“Again. Joking. Though I was joking about the last one; you’re all actually distant cousins. Hey, Weiss, didn’t you kiss Ruby last summer?”

(Back to the Present!)

-summer for her. ‘ _Thank you aceman88 for the joke_!’ Noire said as Ruby and Yang stopped freaking out and returned to watching.

_Church leaves angrily._

**Caboose** : No, see it's Roger now, remember? See I know it can be confusing sometimes, Church, you have to keep up.

“I can’t even keep up with how many people in our lives have the same voice and are fucking assholes.” Yang said flatly, still reeling from the new information, “If I start calling Oobleck Caboose, please shoot me.”

“Gladly.” Ruby replied, “And vice versa.”

_Tucker walks up next to Caboose._

**Tucker** : Hey Roger what's wrong with Church?

 **Caboose** : Oh I don't know, he's having trouble understanding something. You know how he is with that.

“Oh, shut the fuck up Roger.” Weiss said before growling, “Damn it, they got me doing it too!”

_Cut to Red Base, where Sarge and Simmons are working on a robot. They have just completed the head and legs._

_Donut walks towards them._

**Donut** : Wow guys, your robot is looking great!

“Too bad they’re gonna fuck it up soon.” Blake muttered. She really hoped Lopez acted like Lopez.

 **Sarge** : Thanks. I didn't even know I was good with machines! You know what they say: Necessity is the mother of-

“Huh. That’s interesting.” Weiss spoke up,

“What?” Yang asked,

“Sarge almost said a famous quote. It’s original author is unknown but it’s clear what it says: Necessity is the Mother of Invention.” Weiss explained,

“Hey, isn’t the Mother of Invention the name of the Freelancer ship?” Ruby pointed out,

“Yes. I figured it was called that to represents the Director’s view that goals must be obtained by any means he thinks are necessary to ensure the survival and advancement of humanity.”

“So basically… the Director is a dick to everyone.” Yang simplified. Weiss sighed at the dumbing down of her explanation,

“Yes. The Director is a dick to everyone.”

 **Donut** : Hey Sarge, can I ask you about something?

“Hm? What does Donut want?” Blake muttered.

 **Sarge** : Sure, go ahead.

 **Donut** : Umm, in private?

 **Simmons** : Oh sure, um I get it. Don't want me around. That's fine. No big deal. I mean you're not talking about right? Haha, right? You're not talking about me?

“Simmons, when you are mention, you will know.” Yang said, “Because we will be laughing and pointing at you.”

_Donut and Sarge leave_

**Donut** : Be right back Simmons.

 **Simmons** : ( _quietly_ ) Sure you will. That's just what my dad said.

“At least didn’t tell you he’s be right back on your birthday, then literally an hour, no, _five minutes_ later sends you money and one of his many apology cards he prepared 3 years before your birth for such situations because of how often such fucking events happen!” Weiss exclaimed, looking and sounding both sad and aggravated. Yang paused the episode and turned on her big sister mode,

“…Wanna talk about it?” Yang asked in a sincere tone,

“I-I’m not sure.” Weiss answered quietly as she looked away. Blake just sighed,

“Screw it.” Blake muttered, ‘Noire, help me see if we can bring out Cuddle Ruby for a few minutes.’ Blake thought,

‘ _You got it_.’ Noire replied before getting to work,

“Hey, Ruby, do you mind… going away for a while?” Blake asked Ruby, “You can say no if you want to.”

“No, Weiss looks like she needs it.” Ruby replied, “After all, she’s my friend. I’ll go to the edges of the world if it means making her smile.”

“Huh, that’s very sweet and mature of you, Ruby.” Yang said, both surprised and impressed,

“Wait for it.” Blake said as she held up her hand,

“Besides, even if I don’t come back afterwards, it would be like a comic book or something, where someone heroically sacrifices themselves for the greater good, not knowing if they succeed or not.” Ruby added in dreamily,

“There we go.” Blake said with a sigh before her hands started glowing, “Alright, here we go.” Blake muttered to herself before she started messing with Ruby’s soul,

“Hey, I feel… weird.” Ruby said as she felt her stomach cramp,

“Just give me a minute. I’ve only done this a few times before.” Blake said as she tried to bring out Cuddle Ruby, “If you can just sit-“ Before she could finish the sentence however, Ruby had grabbed her throat and started choking her,

“ ** _I’m. Not. Sad._** ” Ruby growled, her voice almost demonic. Yang and Weiss gasped in surprised before they felt the atmosphere in the room. They could feel pure rage coming off of Ruby, and for some reason it was preventing them from approaching the two to save Blake. Blake, knowing that she was on her own, remembered she was still had Ruby’s soul in her hands. She quickly started playing around with until Ruby let go of her throat, allowing her to breathe as she collapsed onto the floor,

“Wh-What happened?” Ruby groaned as she shook the cobwebs out of her head, “Does someone need a hug?” Weiss and Yang looked at each other and silently told each other never to mention what had happened before Weiss stepped forward,

“I would like one.” Weiss said, wanting to get some things off her chest. Ruby couldn’t help but smile at that.

(Some time later…)

“BEHOLD! Just like any beloved hero, slash protagonist, I have somehow come back from the dead!” Action Ruby proudly declared after Cuddle Ruby helped Weiss get over her depression, standing in a dramatic pose,

“Weren’t you like just in the back seat or something and _not_ dead?” Weiss pointed out,

“Also, I wouldn’t say that you’re really all that beloved by us here, not after we’ve had Cuddle Ruby and Ruby T’Ambrose to compare you to.” Blake added in with a slight rasp in her speech. Her throat still hurt before being choked by (What Yang calls her) Rage Ruby,

“The logical question posed by the critics means nothing; all it matters is that the fans liked it.” Ruby said, “Like Night Owl v Dooperman: Twilight of Injustice!”

“And you’ve got to admit she made her comeback with a nice, stylish flair and you can sense the effort and emotion behind it.” Yang said,

“Thank you.” Ruby told Yang before turning to the non-believers, “See. Told you so. Fuck you.”

“GOD DAMN IT YANGM STOP ENCOURAGING HER!” Weiss & Blake yelled before Blake started coughing, her throat still hurting from Rage Ruby,

‘ _Thank you RT Fan, again, for the reaction_.’ Noire said, feeling a little worried now (AN: God, this feels weird writing in a 3 rd person.)

_Donut and Sarge walk up a sunny hill._

**Sarge** : What's up Donut?

 **Donut** : Sarge, you ever have... you know, um... feelings and stuff?

“Please don’t be a deep, confusing and undoubtedly sappy conversation about Donut’s sexuality.” Weiss groaned.

 **Sarge** : Feelings? Sure, all the time! Who doesn't?

 **Donut** : I just wanna talk to someone about some thoughts I've been having.

 **Sarge** : Thoughts? About life and stuff?

“Like, do you ever wonder why we’re here?” Ruby asked, “And why does Caboose understand the whole A.I. thing better than us?”

 **Donut** : Yeah, and you always seem so interested in the men and how we're doing.

 **Sarge** : Well that's my job! Lay it on me. I'm all ears.

“And thus started the biggest mistake in Epsilon-Sarge’s life.” Blake muttered.

_Cut to back to Blue base._

“SHEILA!” Yang shouted happily as everyone else groaned. They really hoped Yang had gotten over Shelia already.

_Church walks up to the tank and starts talking to it._

**Church** : Sheila, turn on! Hey, uh, activate! Um... oh F.I.L.S.S., F.I.L.S.S. I command you! Start!

“Wait… why isn’t she responding?” Yang muttered suspiciously,

“Well, and I could be wrong, but I’m assuming since he messed up the Reds, he messed up Shelia so he only got the tank part of her and her A.I.” Blake theorized. She expected a response from Yang, but got nothing. She turned her head to see Yang saying nothing while her eye twitched,

“Er… Yang? Are you okay?” Ruby questioned. Yang just took a deep breath.

(In another universe)

“Yu Narukami? What kind of name is that?” Weiss asked,

“I don’t know. It’s a pun on ‘You’. It just came to me. Just hurry up and put something in Ruby.” Yang said. Ruby sighed and was about to put the name in when suddenly, she heard someone screaming angrily and cursing the heavens along with threats about eviscerating someone named Epsilon. The team stopped what they were doing and just sat there for a while to wonder what was happening before going back to the game.

(Original Universe)

“Okay… okay… I think I’m calm now.” Yang breathed out as the others huddled together.

_Tucker runs towards Church._

**Tucker** : What the fuck are you doing?

 **Church** : I'm trying to turn on the damn tank.

 **Tucker** : By yelling at it? Why don't you just use a key?

“And memory is the key.” Ruby muttered,

“No it’s not.” Weiss deadpanned.

 **Church** : You have keys for the tank?

 **Tucker** : Nah, they didn't send them.

 **Church** : ( _sarcastically_ ) Thanks, you're a big help.

“And once again, an example of the world never giving Church a break.” Blake sighed, “And thus, I say, it is not a good day to be Church.”

 **Tucker** : Me? I'm not the one yelling at the tank. Hey the TV is on fritz too. You wanna come inside and yell at it? Maybe you could insult his mother or something.

“Tell it that it should be ashamed of itself for not being High Definition!” Yang called out.

 **Church** : I need to get the tank running before Tex shows up.

 **Tucker** : Right, the secret agent who also just happens to be your girlfriend.

 **Church** : It's… complicated.

“What, like, complicated as in she’s your ex-girlfriend, or complicated as in she’s the memory of some dude’s lover who will constantly fail complete her goal despite how badass she is?” Yang asked,

“Exactly, I guess…?” Ruby answered, though she wasn’t sure.

 **Tucker** : And you think if you have a tank you're going to impress her.

“And you can’t pick up chicks in a tank.” Blake said.

 **Church** : No, I need it to defend us in case things get a little… out of hand… with her. Like I said it's-

 **Tucker** : Complicated?

“In more ways than one can count.” Weiss muttered,

“Also, you guys should probably hide Caboose before she uses him as target practice when she gets there.” Blake added,

‘ _Thank you iron maker2 for the joke_!’ Noire said.

 **Church** : Yeah, complicated.

_Caboose suddenly appears._

**Caboose** : I had a girlfriend once.

“Really?” Blake asked, genuinely surprised,

“Probably felt sorry for the idiot.” Yang guessed.

 **Tucker** : Nobody cares.

“Well at least he _had_ a girlfriend, you pervert!” Weiss called out, “The closest relationship you had so far was with an alien! AND IT WAS NON-CONSENSUAL!”

 **Caboose** : I met her on the Internet.

 **Tucker** : Oh man, your girlfriend was a dude.

“Hey! There are girls on the internet, you know!” Ruby exclaimed, “You’d be surprised by what gender likes what on the internet.”

“Like…?” Blake had to ask,

“Have you ever heard of Yandere Simulator?” Ruby asked the Faunus,

“No.” She answered, “Wait, what’s that?”

“Let’s just say it’s a personal favourite of mine.” Blake decided to leave it at that and continue watching. It was probably nothing worrying.

 **Caboose** : Her name was Emailia. She would send me letters all the time.

 **Tucker** : Sounds high maintenance.

 **Caboose** : Letters from my family, letters about stuff I ordered online, even about investment opportunities from other countries.

“Um… what?” Yang said, looking quite confused,

“Oh dear lord.” Weiss groaned as she realized what Caboose was talking about.

 **Tucker** : What? Dude, I don't think your girlfriend's name was Emailia, I think it was Email. I'm pretty sure you fell in love with your email.

“I’d ship it.” Blake admitted quietly,

“What?” Weiss asked,

“Nothing!”

 **Caboose** : She was always there for me, until I forgot our special word.

 **Tucker** : You mean your password?

 **Caboose** : ( _sadly_ ) She never forgave me.

“It was password, wasn’t it?” Yang deadpanned,

“Probably? I don’t think he can spell password.” Ruby spoke up, “Still, it’s still a better love story than Twilight.” The others quickly agreed.

 **Tucker** : Well I guess you should've made out with her sister, Voicemailia.

 **Caboose** : Oh she talked too much, and she always blinked at me.

 **Church** : ( _angrily_ ) Come on you stupid tank, just start!

“Seriously! Who gives someone a tank without giving them the means to start it!?” Weiss shouted out,

“Well, it is Command after all…” Yang muttered.

 **Tucker** : Dude, give it up, stop working on the tank. You can't pick up chicks in a tank anyway.

 **Church** : _What_?

 **Tucker** : Actually, now that I say it out loud, I guess you could pick up chicks in a tank. Well I could. You can't, so stop messing with it.

“Yes, because chicks love tanks.” Ruby said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes, “Come on, Tucker. If I’m going to be honest, I dig giant robots more than tanks.”

“You dig giant robots?” Blake asked,

“I dig giant robots.” Ruby replied happily before hugging Yang, “ _We_ dig giant robots.” Yang nodded her head in agreement,

“Chicks dig giant robots.” Weiss muttered as she rolled her eyes, not wanting for this to go on any further, “Nice.”

“I swear, I think I heard a theme song in there…” Yang mumbled to herself before they went back to watching.

_Smooth, sensual music begins playing_

**Church** : I have to do something.

 **Tucker** : You wanna impress your girl? Just listen to me. School's in session. About to start the master class. Professor Fuck, that’s me.

“Yeah, more like Professor I-Got-Fucked-By-An-Alien-And-Birthed-A-Freak-Of-Nature.” Weiss said before getting punched by Blake, “OW!”

“Sorry, that was Noire!” Blake apologized,

‘ _Fuck you_ , _Weiss_! _Junior is an angel_!’ Noire yelled out inside Blake’s head.

_Music stops playing. Cut back to Red Base, where Simmons overlooks Sarge and Donut still talking on the hill. Grif walks towards him._

**Grif** : Are Sarge and Donut still talking up there?

“Yep, and from the looks of it, it’s not going to stop anytime soon.” Ruby said.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, it's been a few hours. Maybe I should see if they want anything to eat.

_Cut to Donut and Sarge._

“Man, even if it is being filmed in a video game, I can already tell that Sarge is _drained_.” Yang said. She knew no one could survive being alone with Donut for too long.

 **Donut** : And don't even get me started on the design of the new armor! The lines are all wrong... and the color pallet? I mean, what is this... Autumn!? Am I right? But let's save that for another day.

 **Sarge** : Yeah...

“I think Donut just drained the Flowers out of him.” Weiss muttered,

“But what’s left?” Blake added in,

“Hopefully, Sarge.” Ruby answered, “The biggest fucking asshole, yet the most inspiring asshole, in the Reds.”

 **Donut** : Well, thanks for the talk Sarge.

_Donut leaves. Simmons walks towards Sarge._

**Simmons** : So, uh, what were you guys talking about?

 **Sarge** : Lots of things... feelings mostly.

“He wants to shoot himself, doesn’t he?” Yang deadpanned.

 **Simmons** : That was a long talk.

 **Sarge** : Yes it was.

 **Simmons** : Seems like a lot of feelings.

“So much feelings it could fill an entire platoon of soldiers with feelings.” Blake added.

 **Sarge** : Yes it is.

 **Simmons** : Well, if there is anything the troops can confide in, it's you Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Simmons, I'm going to be honest with you... I think he might have used all that up.

“He really wants to kill Donut, doesn’t he?” Weiss guessed.

 **Simmons** : But, you still have time for me right? I have some thoughts I've been wanting to get off my chest.

“Now is not a good time to talk about your daddy issues Simmons.” Ruby groaned.

 **Sarge** : Why don't we just get back to work?

 **Simmons** : Back to work after _our_ heartfelt discussion, right sir?

 **Sarge** : You know what I'm thinking Simmons, let's just put a pin in that discussion.

“Just put it on pause.” Blake suggested, “For eternity.”

 **Simmons** : A pin?

 **Sarge** : Or a nail. Nails last longer. Or one of them railroad spikes! Tell you what; let's abandon the pin metaphor all together. Let's just take your idea, put it in a box, wrap that box in chains and cover the whole thing with cement, and throw it in the ocean!

“There’s the Sarge we know!” Ruby cheered out, “Hooray! The Reds are back, baby!”

 **Simmons** : I'll just get back to work sir.

 **Sarge** : Now that idea I like!

“And thus, another set is done.” Ruby said as she turned off the TV, “So… I’m bored, what do you guys wanna do now? I need to do some maintenance on Crescent Rose.”

“I’m gonna go and see how much food we have left and figure out how to ration it properly.” Weiss answered as she got up,

“I need… to train.” Yang lied, wanting to figure out who Duster really is,

“Well, I still need to finish that Ninjas of Love book I got from RT from a while back so I’ll see ya guys later.” Blake said. Everyone nodded and exited the room while Blake just laid on her bed and started searching for the book. For some reason, she couldn’t find it on the bookshelf so she checked under her bed, “Come on, where are you?” Blake muttered to herself before she found something that she was sure wasn’t a book. She pulled it out and looked at what it was. It was a laptop she didn’t recognize, “Huh? What is this?” She muttered to herself as she studied it, “Toshiba? I never heard of a company like that? Where did this come from?” Blake looked at it before deciding the best way to figure out what it is, is to turn it on.

Inside her head, Noire panicked.

‘ _Fuck_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!


	72. Reintroductions (Case File 01.045, Shaking the Foundation, Captive Audience)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki and is RT property.
> 
> Load Game... Start!

How long has it been? Days, weeks, months? Ever since she had discovered the laptop, she had done nothing but stare at its bright screen. She tried to pull away, to resist its charms but she was too weak to stop herself from returning to its keyboard. She was addicted, trapped, unable to control her body as her fingers tapped on its black buttons. She was sure her teammates were trying to get her attention, but her mind was only on the screen in front of her. The world around her could end and she wouldn’t care. She would just sit there, unaware of her surroundings as she let time flow forward, forever trapped inside the computer.

Maintaining her farm.

‘ _She’s fucking playing Stardew Valley_.’ Noire said bluntly,

“Blake, it’s time to watch some more RvB.” Yang told the Faunus. Blake didn’t even register Yang’s presence as she kept her attention on the screen in front of her, “Blake? Hello? Is anyone there?” Blake faintly recognized that someone was speaking to her, so she decided to shoo them away by making some sort of noise she just hoped would translate to ‘Go away’,

“My God, she sounds like a zombie.” Weiss muttered, “Blake! Get off the computer.” Blake made gurgling noises in response, as anything that required more effort would throw her off schedule and that would mean her farm would completely go to Hell, and then her family would either die or leave her and that means she’ll be too depressed to do all the bundles, then she’ll join JogaMart, which will destroy the Community Centre and thus make the entire town hate her and thus defying her grandfather’s last wishes of escaping the harsh environment of modern day-

“BLAKE-FUCKING-BELLADONNA!” RWY shouted out, snapping Blake back into reality,

“Huh!? What!? My radishes!” Blake yelled as she frantically searched around the room before she calmed down and saw her teammates were staring at her, “...How long did you guys take to do your stuff?”

“Three hours.” Weiss answered as she checked her imaginary watch,

“And… how long have you guys been waiting for me to respond?”

“Three days.” Ruby replied, “By the way, nice make up.”

“Huh?” Blake quickly got off her bed and went to the bathroom to look at the mirror to see what Ruby was talking, only to automatically see the realistic penis on her cheek. And forehead. And neck. And arms. And chest. And eyes…

And yes, even on her crotch region.

“Goddamn it Yang.” Blake groaned.

(Some Time Later)

“Delete those photos, right now.” Blake growled as she glared at the Blonde Brawler. Blake had showered and removed all of Yang’s drawings on her skin while the others set up the TV for the next set of episodes,

“No way, Pussy Cat! Not until I get physical copies.” Yang said with a proud smile as she looked through all the photos she took, “Oh, I love this one. I call it ‘Blake l' Enculé’.”

“Do you even know what ‘Enculé’ means?” Weiss asked,

“Nope. A transfer student called me that once and I took it as a compliment.” Yang admitted, “I asked someone what it meant but all they said was it was from Kalos. Whatever that place is.”

“Hey, are we gonna watch more Red vs Blue or not?” Ruby asked, growing impatient,

“We’ll deal with this later. It isn’t over.” Blake said,

“Okay, is everyone ready?” Ruby asked,

“Ready as we’ll ever be!” Weiss called out,

“Well, let’s see what this set has in store for us.” Ruby said as she picked up the remote, “LET’S WATCH!” And with that, Ruby pressed-

“Wait, do you feel like this is too short?” Yang interrupted,

‘ _Well_ , _it has only been 625 words_.’ Noire muttered to herself,

“Er, yeah.” Weiss admitted, “We usually take longer for these types of things, don’t we?”

“I think so.” Blake said, “So... what do we do?” The RWBYs thought about it for a few seconds before shrugging,

“Fuck it.” Ruby said. And with that, she pressed play.

**(Case File 01.045)**

****_Freelancer Case File 01.045//  
Level 2 Confidential [CEDOCUNET]  
Mission: Failure, All Objectives  
__Appears onscreen as Maine watches a Pelican land in the station's docking bay_.

“So, I’m guessing South screwing up the stealth in the cryogenics facility cost them this mission.” Yang said as the RWBYs saw the words appearing on screen,

“Likely, but it could also be unrelated.” Weiss pointed out, “Remember, there’s more Freelancers than just South, North, Maine, York, Wash, Wyoming, Tex and Carolina. Out of Mind and Recreation taught us that.”

“Still, a complete failure of a mission…” Ruby muttered, “What the Hell happened?”

“Don’t know, but let’s just hope no one died.” Blake spoke up.

_Cut to a room with a Freelancer in brown armor hanging her head down as Washington approaches her._

The girls leaned in closer as they realized they were being introduced to a new Freelancer, and that she was the one that probably screwed up the mission.

 **Washington** : It wasn't your fault, Connie.

“’Connie’?” Ruby said as she made a confused expression, “That doesn’t sound like a Freelancer name.”

“A nickname probably.” Weiss guessed with a shrug.

 **Connie** : Easy for you to say. You didn't drop the ball.

“Uh, wait a minute, why does Connie sound kinda familiar?” Blake wondered out loud as she narrowed her eyes. Yang picked up the remote and reversed the scene for a few seconds, trying to figure out whose voice this was. Suddenly, Yang gasped,

“H-Holy shit. That’s… that’s _Nora_!” Yang exclaimed,

“What!? Really!?” Ruby said in surprise, “I can’t tell.”

“Wait, I think Yang’s right.” Blake said, “Connie… sounds like Nora. Only if she was more angsty and less… I don’t know. This is such a big difference between them.”

“Yeah.” Weiss muttered as she shook her head, “Another JNPR voicing a Freelancer. Great. What’s next? Ren voicing Agent… Fipple… Carmel… Tarensol… Fake… Place… Name… Thing.”

“Ageny Fipplecaremltarensolfakeplacenamething.” Blake deadpanned before sighing, “Yep, definitely a Freelancer name.”

 **Washington** : The ball got dropped. We were all there, it's everyone's responsibility.

 **Connie** : Dammit, why are you doing that?

“What’s wrong with comforting someone after making a big mistake?” Yang questioned, “Just be glad no one died.”

“As far as we know.” Weiss pointed out, “Plus, we don’t know how important that mission was to Freelancer. For all we know, Connie just fucked over the Project.”

“I’m pretty sure Connie didn’t fuck over Freelancer.” Ruby grumbled, “If she did, that would be a good thing. Project Freelancer is, well _was_ , tainted by lies, torture and betrayal.”

 **Washington** : What am I doing?

 **Connie** : Making excuses for me. I'm not making excuses for myself... why are you?

 **Washington** : I'm trying to make you feel better.

“And like hell Freelancer used its funding to hire therapists.” Blake muttered.

 **Connie** : Yeah? Great. Hey, how about you go make Carolina feel better? Go pat Maine on the head. See how that works out for you.

“Why is every female character in RvB a bitch or incredibly stupid?” Weiss groaned.

 **Washington** : We all make mistakes.

 **Connie** : No! We don't.

“Yes we do.” Ruby countered, “Everyone makes mistakes, even people like Pyrrha can make mistakes! It’s in our nature to make mistakes! We learn from them so those mistakes won’t happen again!”

“But this mistake might’ve cost the lives of Freelancers.” Blake pointed out, “But then again, it’s all the more reasons to learn from it.”

_Connie stands up and faces Wash._

**Connie** : That's the point! We don't all make mistakes. Some of us very specifically make mistakes, and others don't seem to make any mistakes at all!

“Everyone makes a mistake at some point in their lives.” Yang said, “For example; joining Project Freelancer.”

 **Washington** : Connie, come on...

 **Connie** : That's why they're doing all this! These missions! The rankings! They're drawing a line between us Wash. And you're either on one side of that line, or you're on the other. And it's getting pretty goddamn clear which side I'm on.

“Sound the independent thought alarm! We have a rebel!” Ruby called out.

 **Washington** : No one thinks like that; we're a team.

“That might be true, but with the ranking system, there’s always going to be this competitive aura around all the time. They might act like team but at the end of the day, it could be all about the leaderboard and where you are on it, if you are on it at all.” Weiss said.

 **Connie** : I'm not talking about you guys. I mean them. Him.

 **Washington** : The Director? He's given us everything. He's helping us!

“No, he’s not. He’s helping himself thanks to a mixture of self-guilt and being a dick.” Blake said, starting to become annoyed with the brown armoured Freelancer.

 **Connie** : Helping us? Wake up! Wake the _fuck_ up! He's filtering us! This is a selection process, Wash. I don't know for what, but, if you're not at the top of that board, you're not worth anything to him.

 **Washington** : You're just overreacting. You've always been hard on yourself, Connie.

Everyone leaned forward as they felt that the brown Freelancer’s real name was about to be revealed to them soon.

 **Connie** : Not as hard as they are.  _(Hands her helmet to Washington)_  Not nearly as hard as they're going to be.

‘ _Hey_ , _I know this isn’t appropriate but Meow Chicka Meow Meow_.’ Noire said.

_Connie then turns away from Washington_

**Connie** : And don't call me Connie. Makes me sound like a fucking kid.  _(Begins walking away)_  Call me C.T.

“Wait, she’s C.T.? The one from the desert?” Ruby said in surprise, “Wow, I guess we get to see who C.T. was in life before she died and got her armour stolen by that Rouge.”

“I don’t think so…” Yang admitted, sounding a bit skeptical,

“What do you mean? You heard Wash’s comment about finding C.T. back in Sandtrap.” Weiss asked,

“Yeah, but the creators of this show is surprisingly good with plot twists, and I refuse to fall for anymore plot twists.” Yang answered as she rubbed her arm, “Remember, she could’ve used a voice modifier when she got laser faced by Epsilon.”

 **C.T.:** Oh, and the line that I talked about... you better hurry up and figure out what side you're on, Agent Washington. Before they figure it out for you.

_As Connie exits the room, Washington turns her helmet face up and looks down at it before looking up again._

The girls saw that C.T.’s helmet was the same helmet the fake C.T. wore when he died back in Recreation, “Well, if it’s a plot twist, it’s a very complicated one.” Blake said,

‘ _Thank you snake screamer for the reactions_.’ Noire said.

_Cut to Tucker, Church, and Caboose standing out by the water at Blood Gulch_

**Tucker** : Alright, class is in session. Students, line up over here; teacher on this side.

“Welp, time to see why Tucker earned a free fucking from a male alien.” Yang said,

“This is not going to end well.” Weiss groaned.

 **Church** : I'm not doing this.

 **Tucker** : Dude, you've got a girl coming over. You don't know what to say to her. You need my help. And the first set of lessons is free.

“If that’s the price, I want a refund.” Blake deadpanned, “Actually, you have to pay me to let you teach me and then give me more when I drop out.”

 **Church** : How are you qualified to teach us this stuff?

“The simplest answer we can give you is this: He isn’t.” Ruby said.

 **Tucker** : Are you kidding me?

 **Church** : No, no I'm not kidding. How are you qualified? You talk about girls all the time, I've never seen you with one.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Church has more dating experience than Tucker.” Yang spoke up, “Actually, I also thinking Caboose has more dating experience than Tucker. Fucking Hell, even Ruby has more dating experience than Tucker.”

“Huh? Ruby had a-“

“After her first test run with Crescent Rose, she took her out to dinner.” That shut Blake up in an instant.

 **Tucker** : Um, I have lots of...  just shut up and listen. Stay quiet and hold all your questions until the end. Now, before we start, does anyone have any questions?

“Yeah, did you fuck anything other than a rock or an alien?” Weiss asked rhetorically, “Or your hand for that matter. Hell, did you even touch a woman, a full grown woman that isn’t your mother, prior to Blood Gulch?”

“Tex punching you in the face doesn’t count!” Ruby quickly added in.

 **Caboose** : Uh, yes. I would like to kn-

 **Tucker** : Ah ha! That was a trick question. You're supposed to hold all questions until the end.

 **Church** : Oh yea? Why didn't you hold your trick question until the end then?

“Because he is not a good teacher!” Weiss shouted out.

 **Tucker** : The rules don't apply to me.

 **Caboose** : Well then maybe my question was a... magic... question too.

“Yeah… you kinda lost it there Caboose.” Blake muttered.

 **Tucker** : Yea, abracadabra. You're an idiot. So, we've already learned our first lesson: the rules don't apply to you. Girls like a rebel, someone outside the law.

 **Caboose** : Like a criminal?

Ruby puked a little in her mouth at that, “Whoa! Ruby, are you alright?” Yang asked worryingly as Ruby dashed off to empty her lunch,

“Sorry, just remembered the Rosewick rumours.” Ruby groaned out after she returned. Weiss & Blake looked a little green at the mention of that while Yang growled. It was massacre when she found out. Those people didn’t like grapes after that.

 **Tucker** : It depends on the crime. Nothing with animals. See, they want someone with a free and independent spirit. Something that they can crush into a raw material that can then be molded into what they really want.

“That’s not true.” Yang growled, “Well, maybe for Weiss but for the most part that’s a lie!”

“HEY!” Weiss called out before grumbling to herself.

 **Caboose** : What do they really want?

 **Tucker** : They don't know. Which is why you have to tell them what they want without actually telling them what to do.

“…What.” Ruby said flatly.

 **Caboose** : That sounds hard.

“Dating is hard in general.” Blake spoke up before smiling softly “Love isn’t easy, but then again nothing worth it is.” The others couldn’t help but smile as well. What Blake had just said was so sweet.

 **Tucker** : That's why we're doing lessons.

 **Caboose** : Should I... should I be taking notes?

“No! Do not listen to this Casanova Wannabe!” Ruby exclaimed, “Listen to your idiotic heart and go for it!”

 **Tucker** : Do you even know how to write?

 **Caboose** : Is that another trick question? Can I answer it at the end?

“I think you just answered Tucker’s question.” Yang said.

 **Church** : Getting bored here.

 **Tucker** : Okay, then let's do some role playing. I'll give you critiques on your approach.

 **Church** : Roleplaying?

“Oh… this won’t end well.” Blake groaned.

 **Tucker** : Yea. Caboose, you play the girl.

 **Church** : You want _Caboose_ to be the woman?

 **Tucker** : Dude, it's a lot bigger stretch for _you_ to play a man. Trust me.

“Doesn’t help that you are a failure at _shooting at a human body_ **_at point blank range_**!” Ruby shouted out,

“Well, technically, that was Alpha-Church that failed to shoot at point blank range.” Weiss pointed out, “And how does this connect to Church’s manliness?”

“Detail, details…” Ruby said dismissively. Weiss could only sigh in response.

 **Caboose** : Um, okay. What should I say?

 **Tucker** : Just say whatever a girl would say.

 **Caboose** : Uh, okay. Um, I uh just really want to meet someone nice. Um you know, someone who appreciates me for who I am. Not so much because I'm pretty but because they really want to get to know me because they want to find out what my interests are. Then we can spend time exploring the world and sharing all the wonderful things in life that make it wonderful.

_Both Church and Tucker pause for a few second and stare at Caboose._

The girls just stared at the screen after seeing Caboose’s impersonation of a woman, “That… That was actually pretty accurate.” Yang admitted,

“Yeah, I’m pretty surprised that Caboose said that in such a thought out and articulated way.” Blake muttered,

“Again, technically a different person, but yeah. Definitely a surprise coming from Caboose.” Weiss stated.

 **Tucker** : …What!? Do you know girls at all? Talk about how much you like shoes.

 **Church** : Yeah and about reality TV shows.

The RWBYs eyes twitched as they glared at the screen, bloodlust in their eyes as their Aura Modes threatened to activate.

(Meanwhile, in another dimension…)

“OW!” Tucker and Carolina yelled out in pain as two ceiling fans hit them in head, knocking them out cold,

“What the-Where did that come from!?” Epsilon asked as he looked up into the clear blue sky of Chorus, not noticing a female A.I. in black and purple armour approaching from behind him until he got punched in the face,

“Talk about unlucky.” Simmons muttered, not noticing a woman in white and red armour with a cracked visor sneaking up behind him, her fist encased in Purple Dust.

(Back to React Watch Believe Yikes!)

‘ _Uh_ … _okay_. _Thank you iron maker2 for the joke_.’ Noire said, ‘ _What the fuck just happened_?’

 **Tucker** : Here, Church you start. Just hit on Caboose. Caboose, act like you like Church.

 **Caboose** : I've been preparing for this role my whole life.

“Of course you do.” Weiss groaned.

 **Tucker** : Shut up. Okay, Church your girlfriend just got to base. You see her and you say...

“I’ll pay you to kill Tucker.” (Ruby)

“Hey, that guy in teal armour called you a bitch.” (Weiss)

“So, I heard there was this sword in some place called Zanzibar…” (Blake)

“CABOOSE HAS A BETTER CHANCE AT GETTING A GIRLFRIEND!” (Yang)

 **Church** : Uh hey...hey there.

 **Caboose** : Hello. Giggle. Blinking eye lashes. Puppy.

“That’s pretty much Ruby’s head in a nutshell.” Yang joked,

“Yeah. Sure.” Ruby said with a giggle, blinking her eyelashes, ‘Puppies!’ She thought.

 **Church** : Alright, I'm out. I can't do this.

 **Tucker** : Don't be a baby. Caboose, stop making sound effects. You're a girl now. Girls can't make sound effects.

It was right then Ruby & Yang farted while Weiss and Blake burped loudly, “We are the pinnacle of women.” Blake said flatly,

“Bow before us.” Weiss added in while opening a window.

 **Caboose** : Quietly angry.

 **Tucker** : And stop narrating.

“Shooting Tucker a Death Glare of Cute.” Ruby said,

“Growling internally.” Weiss stated,

“Silently planning death of Tucker and how to hide evidence.” Blake muttered,

“Visibly angry.” Yang growled out.

 **Caboose** : Okay. Fine.

 **Tucker** : There you go. That's it. That's a girl. Okay Church, hit it. Action!

 **Church** : Uh uh hey uh what are you doing? What's up? Uh uh, what's up with what you're doing?

“Wow. Just… wow.” Ruby said, just amazed at how much fail there was in just three sentences,

“If this is Church’s attempt at talking to girls, imagine the Director talking to Allison.” Blake said, the girls shivering at the thought.

 **Tucker** : Smooth. Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Okay, um, yes I was just sitting here thinking about shoes and celebrities that only have first names.

“And here, I’m sitting here thinking about 101 ways I’m going to make Tucker suffer.” Yang stated.

 **Tucker** : Perfect.

 **Caboose** : Actually if you want the truth I feel like I have to say these things to make myself more appealing when I really think that I should jus-

 **Tucker** : Stop it.

“Tucker. Shut up. Caboose has a higher chance of actually getting a girlfriend than you.” Weiss said, “Or anyone else in that godforsaken canyon.”

 **Caboose** : Okay sorry. Okay sorry!

 **Tucker** : Church, say something rebellious.

 **Church** : Uh okay I think the working class should uprise against the rich people.

“Lame.” Yang said with eye roll, “Damn Commie.” She added quietly.

 **Tucker** : I said rebellious not revolutionary.

 **Church** : Oh okay. I drive a fast car over the speed limit. All the time.

“You do realize that means you’ll lose your license in like an hour on the road.” Blake pointed out, “Like, seriously, the police may not be Huntsmen and Huntresses but they do have the power to take your car, fine you, and register you a criminal, thus decreasing your chances to get a job.”

“Plus, you have to deal with the DMV again.” Weiss groaned, “And no one likes the DMV.”

 **Caboose** : I will go with you anywhere.

 **Tucker** : See? It's easy!

“I wanna fucking kill you Tucker.” Ruby growled,

“So, while I’m adding to the list of reasons why we should beat up Tucker or at least someone similar to him (a.k.a. Jaune Arc), does anyone wanna make some comments on the season so far?” Yang asked as she pulled out a stack of papers,

“Well, so far it’s much clearer that this season has a mix between comedy, action and drama with the BGC scenes and Freelancer sections. It’s like… a mix between the Blood Gulch Chronicles and the Recollection.” Blake commented,

“Yeah, I noticed that too.” Weiss spoke up, “And it is nice to be back with the Reds and Blues in a box canyon doing nothing but stand around and talk.”

“Well, it’s not really a box canyon anymore.” Ruby muttered, “It’s more of a… it has water and trees now. Kinda like Valhalla. Except the bases are crappier than usual.”

“So this place…” Yang started until she realized she had no idea what the real map’s name was,

“Hemorrhage.” Weiss said,

“Right, Hemorrhage is like a mix between Valhalla and Blood Gulch, just like how this season is a mix between the tones of Recollection and the Blood Gulch Chronicles.” Yang pointed out, “I have to admit, that’s kinda smart. Using the environment to represent the mix between the two arcs.” Yang’s eyes then widened as she realized something and looked out the window. She stared at it for a couple of minutes, which kinda creeped out her teammates,

“Uh… why are you staring out the window?” Ruby asked,

“Wait for it…” Yang replied, waiting for her gift to arrive, only to get a rock in the face, “OW! FUCK! WHY DOES THIS ONLY HAPPEN TO ME!?” Blake picked up the rock while Weiss went out the room to get the last spare window for the dorm.

We’re not doing that anymore.  
-U & H

“You know, I’m not going to ask.” Blake muttered to herself as Ruby tried to stop Yang from jumping out the window to find the son of a bitch who keeps throwing rocks at her,

“I hate everything.” Yang muttered as she nursed the welt on her forehead,

“Meh, you’ll hate something else soon enough.” Blake said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Shaking the Foundation)**

_Fade into the outside of Red Base as Simmons works on the now fully built Lopez_

“Welp, found it.” Yang said as the RWBYs groaned. It was nice to see Lopez again after he got shot by Wash and they remembered there were backups. Now they were waiting for his return back to the position of most sane Red. They guessed they had to make do with Epsilon-Lopez, though they knew the reintroductions wouldn’t be fun.

 **Simmons** : There! Man, that safety switch was hard to bolt on. Probably should've gotten a bigger one.

“It’s at the crotch, isn’t it?” Weiss deadpanned,

“It wouldn’t be Lopez without his nuts and bolts.” Ruby said.

 **Donut** : It's not how big the switch is, Simmons. It's how you flip it!

“ _Meow Chicka Meow Meow_.” Blake quickly said before blushing, “Damn it Noire.”

‘ _Meh_ , _too good of a chance to pass up_.’ Noire responded.

 **Simmons** : Donut, shut up!

 **Sarge** : Alright, robot's all done! Time to fire it up! Let's hit the ol' power button. Who want to do the honors? Grif?

 **Grif** : Meh.

“Too much effort.” Blake said with a shrug before smiling, “Thank God, they’re back.”

 **Sarge** : Well said. Donut?

 **Donut** : Sorry. Just clear-coated my nails. I'm not chipping one of these babies!

“Who the hell brings beauty products to a war?” Weiss muttered,

“A _fake_ war.” Yang reminded everyone, “They probably let them have more liberties than the actual army.”

“Apart from their freedom.” Ruby said darkly.

 **Sarge** : Alright... Simmons?

 **Simmons** : It would be an honor, sir! Um, th-that is if you're sure you don't want to do it!

 **Sarge** : Now that you mention it, it does sound kind of fun! I always did like pushing things.

“Well, certainly push a lot of things.” Blake mumbled to herself, “Buttons, switches, the definition of insanity, our tolerance for your stupidity, the will to stop us from murdering the TV…”

“Let’s just say he pushes a lot of limits.” Weiss said.

 **Simmons** : Oh... okay.

 **Donut** : Hey Sarge, what's this robot gonna do for us anyway?

“Be smarter than all of you combined!” The RWBYs called out,

“Seriously, one of these days, get a fucking Spanish-to-English dictionary!” Weiss added in.

 **Sarge** : Oh you know, the usual robot stuff. Math we don't wanna do...

 **Simmons** : Right, like THAT exists.

“Oh, it exists.” Yang said as her brain hurt just from being reminded of the existence of math.

 **Sarge** : Menial tasks like maintaining the vehicle...

 **Simmons** : Maintenance is crucial!

“Yeah, but it doesn’t make it less boring.” Ruby admitted as she pulled out Crescent Rose, “Unless you have awesome weapons like mine!”

 **Sarge** : Organization...

 **Simmons** : Hmm... maybe I should make a list of all the robot's duties.

“No need, Lopez will probably take care of that.” Blake said,

“Man, robots are still stealing jobs, even in the RvB universe.” Yang noted, “Well, more specifically, Simmons’ job.”

 **Sarge** : And basically any task that no one wants to do or is part of anyone's official job description.

 **Simmons** : Additional work? You mean like extra credit? No one told me there was extra credit! What is it? I'll do it!

“Yeah… he is _so_ being replaced by Lopez.” Ruby said, “Good thing it probably won’t last.”

“Let’s hope he’ll become the same cynic we know.” Yang muttered as she mentally prayed Lopez wasn’t fucked up.

 **Donut** : Hey Simmons, it sounds like this robot is going to be doing all the jobs you do!

 **Simmons** : Hahaha... yeah.

“Someone isn’t excited, huh?” Weiss said before groaning, “I can already feel the jealousy coming off his armour.”

 **Donut** : Well don't worry. I'm sure Sarge will find some other responsibilities for you! Right Sarge? Sarge?

 **Sarge** : …Huh? Oh right. One of the robot's functions is to answer awkward questions that I don't want to. Better turn him on.

“You know, maybe I should’ve gotten a robot to teach Ruby the birds and the bees instead of the stork thing.” Yang muttered, “Maybe then Perverted Ruby wouldn’t have been much more tolerable if she knew from the get-go instead of becoming so repressed and evolving into being…”

“A super pervert?” Weiss guessed,

“Well, I was going to say a tornado of molestation, sexual innuendos and just plain horniness but yeah, that’ll work.” Yang replied before they went back to watching the episode.

 **Sarge:** ( _Walks behind Lopez_ ) Here we go. Let me just get this panel off, make some specific noise and drop it on the ground. ( _earthquake starts_ ) Holy guacamole!

“Oh no…” The RWBYs groaned,

“Oh, tienes que estar bromeando...” Blake mumbled to herself, remembering that Noire gave her the ability to translate again.

 **Simmons** : Ahhhh!!! Another earthquake! Everyone institute emergency plan! Hold on a second while I put on my marshal's vest! Everyone just remain calm! Whatever you do don't -( _earthquake stops_ )- panic.

“I’m pretty sure you’re the only one panicking Simmons.” Ruby deadpanned, “Way to stay calm.”

“What’s with these earthquakes? They seem way too random.” Blake muttered,

“Maybe it’s the Epsilon Unit failing.” Weiss guessed, “Remember, these events are only real to Epsilon. As far as we know, Epsilon could’ve just jumped into the unit just a few seconds ago in the real world. The Epsilon unit could be in the process of dying, the earthquakes are just the indicating that it is.”

“Meaning, Church isn’t going to get out anytime soon.” Yang said with a sigh, “Damn it, knowing the future sucks.”

 **Donut** : Looks like the earthquake stopped.

 **Simmons** : Yeah.

 **Donut** : You're just disappointed no one got to use the emergency plan, aren't ya' Simmons?

“Well, it did fall apart as soon as Simmons started screaming like a little girl.” Blake said.

 **Simmons** : Sorta...

 **Donut** : Aww... there, there. Don't feel bad! No one's read it anyway!

“And way to make Simmons feel worse, Donut.” Weiss said as she rolled her eyes, “Heart of the team, right here!”

‘ _Thank you Toxitron for the joke_.’ Noire thought.

 **Simmons** : Oh... That's a relief.

_Lopez activates_

**Lopez** : Hola. Me llamo Lopez. Gracias por la activacion de mi.

Everyone sighed in relief. They couldn’t handle Lopez not speaking Spanish or worse… _French_. The memory of that particular non-canon episode still made them shiver. They were going to have nightmares tonight.

 **Donut** : Ooh-hoo, robot's on!

 **Lopez** : ¿Cómo estás?

 **Simmons** : Uhh, is he speaking Spanish?

“Yes, and that’s the way we like it, baby!” Yang stated with a big smile.

 **Donut** : Sounds like it.

 **Simmons** : Maybe the quake messed something up when you activated him, Sarge. Could be a polarity issue...

 **Sarge** : Actually, I ordered the Español speech unit on purpose!

“Wait a second, he did?” Ruby asked, surprised at the notion, “What!?”

 **Simmons** : You did?

 **Sarge** : Yeah! I thought if we had a little multiculturalism around here, we could all learn Spanish together! Get closer as a unit!

“God damn it Sarge…” Weiss groaned as the girl face palmed in annoyance.

 **Donut** : Speaking of getting our units closer...

 **Simmons** : Not now, Donut! Seems inconvenient, Sarge.

 **Sarge** : Yeah it does. Don't know what the hell I was thinking! Seems really out of character for me.

‘ _Wa-Was that fourth wall breaking right now_? _Did they just acknowledge that they’re acting weird_.’ Noire asked Blake,

“Perhaps… let’s just be glad the Reds are back to normal.” Blake replied,

‘ _Yeah_ , _good point_.’ Noire said before cutting off the connection, ‘ _Thank you again iron maker2 for the reaction_.’

_Another earthquake starts_

**Lopez** : ¡Alarma! ¡Alarma! Terremoto!

 **Donut** : Hey look, Simmons! He's already doing your job!

“And much better than you ever did.” Ruby added.

 **Simmons** : Great.

 **Donut** : Want me to get your vest?

“No need. Lopez is good enough.” Weiss said.

_Cut to the outside of Blue Base as the earthquake ends_

**Tucker** : Whoa, there's another quake!

 **Church** : Yep.

“Wow, he seems pretty calm considering the world might be splitting in half.” Blake noted.

 **Tucker** : You don't seem too worried.

 **Church** : No I'm not, 'cause I know all of this isn't real.

“Until the Epsilon Unit dies.” Yang muttered sadly.

 **Tucker** : Not real? You mean not real like your fake girlfriend?

 **Church** : No, no, no... my girlfriend is real! It's the world that's fake. Well, everything in it.

“Which includes you.” Weiss pointed out, “You are not thinking your explanations through.”

_Caboose runs over to Church and Tucker_

**Caboose** : EARTHQUAKE!

“And the last horse crosses the finish line!” Yang called out.

 **Church** : That was ten seconds ago... man, we really need to get your reflexes checked.

“He’ll probably kick you in the balls when you check.” Ruby muttered, “Before stabbing you in the eye.”

 **Caboose** : Maybe I was just early for the next one! Now you'll be ready when it happens.

“Yeah, they’ll totally be ready for the apocalypse.” Blake said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

 **Church** : Oh shut up.

 **Caboose** : Meteor.

 **Tucker** : So everything in the world is fake, except your girlfriend.

“Well, it depends on what your definition of reality is.” Blake said, “The fantasies in your head are just as real as a physical object in the real world. And that physical object is just as false as the fantasies in your head. It just depends if you want to believe in it or not. Your dreams stay dreams until you make it a reality.”

“Blake Belladonna: Faunus, Huntress, Bookworm, Philosopher.” Yang quickly said, “Perverted as shit too.”

“HEY!”

‘ _Well_ , _it is true_.’ Noire pointed out. Blake could only sigh in defeat.

 **Church** : Right.

 **Tucker** : Who's in the world.

“Somewhere. Just not here right now.” Ruby added in.

 **Church** : Yes.

 **Tucker** : Where everything is fake.

“Yeah, this explanation is starting to fall apart.” Weiss muttered, “Hey, remember when it was only about two teams of assholes capturing a flag? Those were… yeah…”

 **Church** : Correct.

 **Caboose** : Well I am following all of this as well as I follow everything else.

“So not at all!” Yang called out, “Good to see you’re keeping up, Caboose!”

 **Church** : You see, all this...see...okay...we're just inside a memory unit. Which is sitting in a snowbank somewhere in the world...the real world.

 **Tucker** : A snowbank?

“A bank, in the snow.” Ruby said flatly.

 **Church** : Right, and that memory unit is dying, so we're feeling all these, like, you know... little quakes and stuff.

 **Tucker** : If we're on a snowbank, why isn't it cold?

“That’s not how it works, idiot!” Weiss shouted out, “Memories don’t fucking work that way!”

 **Church** : I don't know! It-it-it doesn't work like that, it's... like being inside of a snow globe.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, but a snow globe has snow in it.

 **Caboose** : I thought it was a globe made of snow!

“Forget about the fucking snow!” Blake growled, “God, this way more complicated than it needs to be.”

“A lot of what the BGC do is more complicated than it needs to be.” Yang pointed out.

 **Church** : Ugh, you're not getting it! Okay, try to think of it as, like, a...it's like a diorama.

 **Caboose** : Ah yes...a cafeteria for dinosaurs.

“Close, but no cigar.” Ruby said as she pulled out a candy cigar but Yang snatched it out of her hands and threw it out the window, “Hey! That wasn’t real! It was candy!”

“Banned candy.” Weiss said, “And you’re not having any sweets until 17.”

“But-“

“NO SWEETS UNTIL 17!” WBY yelled out suddenly,

“You guys suck.” Ruby said as she sniffled a little, realizing she had to dip into her hidden sugar stash now.

 **Church** : Shut up, Caboose.

 **Caboose** : Typhoon.

“Of Mystical Space.” Yang said, “Destroyonespellortrapcardonthefield.”

“What?” Weiss asked, not quite catching that,

“Nothing!” ‘Except fuck your Draining Shield.’

 **Tucker** : So this memory snowbank thing... it's just sitting there and we're inside it, doing all this stuff. Why?

 **Church** : I don't know, I guess it's so that I can, you know, figure out about Tex and... what I'm supposed to do. And if I can't figure it out, well then I just need to...move on to the next memory unit, I guess.

“So it’s going to be an endless cycle of reliving the past and reincarnations.” Blake guessed, “Is this going to be the fake time loop Church was trapped in again?”

“Hopefully, maybe this time he’ll get it right.” Ruby said, ‘Please let get it right this time.’ Ruby thought.

 **Tucker** : Right, and that's by finding those Freelancer guys you talked about before.

“Well, at least he’s getting it.” Yang said.

 **Church** : Exactly.

 **Tucker** : And going on some big adventure with them and finding the snow memory!

“And… back to not getting it.” Weiss said as she sighed.

 **Church** : Memory unit.

 **Tucker** : Whatever. And then going into it?

 **Church** : Yes.

“This is slowly becoming more confusing.” Ruby said as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Tucker** : Even though we're already inside it.

 **Church** : And so on, and so forth.

 **Tucker** : And so on, and so on, until what happens?

“Either the unit fails or Church figures out what to do… right before the unit fails.” Blake answered, “Yeah… once again, not a good day to be Church.”

 **Church** : I don't know! If I knew that I could stop already!

 **Tucker** : And we have to do all that, before the memory unit laying in the snow dies, and we're all crushed by falling rocks. ( _A giant rock conveniently falls down behind Tucker_ ) Good timing.

“That was oddly convenient.” Weiss noted.

 **Church** : Yeah it was.

“Yeah… Epsilon’s kinda doomed.” Ruby muttered.

 **Caboose** : Well if only there had been some type of warning system in place...

 **Tucker** : Okay, I think it all makes sense now.

“No it doesn’t.” Yang deadpanned, “You have no idea what’s going on.”

 **Church** : Uh, good! I'm glad.

 **Tucker** : Dude, that was a fucking joke. I have no clue what's up!

“Totally expected.” Blake muttered as the girls face palmed.

 **Church** : I don't know, it doesn't seem that hard to me, man.

“Well, how we sum up the past eight seasons in under a thousand words?” Yang asked,

“How do we sum up our entire summer in under a thousand words per season?” Weiss countered,

“Point taken. But we can sum it up, right?” The girl paused the episode as they tried to sum up all of Red vs Blue in under one thousand words, until they gave up,

‘ _Hint. Hint._ ’ Noire said, ‘ _Need it for upcoming events_. _No_ , _I’m not lazy_ , _you are_.’

 **Tucker** : I know one way to check. Hey Caboose, explain what's going on. Recap for us!

 **Caboose** : We are going to eat lunch with dinosaurs.

“PERFECT!” The RWBYs shouted out before face palming,

“Again, not a good day to be Church.” Blake said.

 **Tucker** : Yep. Perfect sense.

 **Caboose** : I'm going to eat a giant egg!

“Make sure it has extra salt!” Yang called out before the episode ended,

“Mmmm…. Giant eggs…” Ruby said dreamily as she drooled, before choking on her own spit,

“Alright, let’s finish this off already.” Blake said,

“You just wanna play more of that stupid farming game, aren’t you?” Weiss said, looking at the Faunus accusingly. Blake only blushed in response. Weiss could only shake her head as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Captive Audience)**

_Simmons, Grif, and Donut are seen standing on Red Base while Lopez and Sarge stand on the ground as an earthquake happens_

**Lopez** : ( _In Spanish_ ) _These_ _earthquakes seem to be getting worse._

“Meaning the Epsilon Unit is that much closer to death.” Blake said, “Church really needs to stop wasting time if he wants to end the cycle.”

 **Sarge** : Good point, Lopez. I don't understand what you said, but you presented it in such a confident manner that it must be right.

“Back to faking conversations with Lopez.” Weiss groaned, “Seriously, would it kill someone to buy a Spanish-to-English dictionary?”

“If it involved Grif’s life being in danger in any way possible, yeah, probably.” Yang answered.

 **Grif** : Man, that new robot really seems to be fitting in around here.

“Even though no one has understood a single word from his speakers.” Ruby muttered.

 **Simmons** : Yeah, I noticed.

 **Grif** : He's pretty popular.

“Because he’ll do all your work for you.” Weiss pointed out.

 **Simmons** : Awesome.

 **Donut** : Yeah, even though no one understands him, people seem to really want to get past the rough robotic exterior and get to know the inner Lopez.

“He doesn’t even have facial expressions or even developed his cynical personality yet! He was built several hours, at most, ago!” Blake called out.

 **Simmons** : Sooo happy for him.

 **Donut** : Me too. Wait. Was that sarcastic?

“That sounded like sarcasm to me.” Yang said, “Actually, most of his lines so far are sarcastic. Have you really not noticed this entire time?”

“They probably don’t care.” Ruby said as she stretched her arms.

 **Grif** : Yeah, dude. I have to admit, that was off the charts even for my sarcastic meter.

 **Lopez** : ( _In Spanish_ ) _I have noticed a pattern in the seismic activity. It needs further study._

“Maybe Lopez might delay the death of the Memory Unit long enough for Church to stop the cycle.” Weiss guessed, “Though, I highly doubt a memory of a Spanish Robot can do much to stop it.”

“We can only hope, Weiss.” Ruby said with a sigh, “We can only hope.”

 **Sarge** : Hahaha! Oh, good one Lopez! Man, you are a riot.

 **Lopez** : ( _In Spanish_ ) _No, you don't understand me._

“And they will never understand you until someone goddamn learns some goddamn Spanish for goddamn sake!” Yang shouted out, “God damn it!

 **Grif** : Ha ha! Man, all that and the guy's a comedian. God, I wish my sidekick could be funny like that. What's your problem, Simmons?

 **Simmons** : What? You don't even know what he said! How could it be funny?

 **Grif** : Whatever. I guess you just had to be there.

“HE’S STANDING RIGHT THERE, IDIOTA!” Blake yelled out suddenly, “AND IT DOESN’T TAKE A FUCKING GENIUS TO TRANSLATE THAT LAST FUCKING WORD!” There was a silence in the room after Blake’s sudden outburst, before Weiss broke the silence,

“…What does-“

“Idiot.” Blake said with a sigh. The others weren’t sure if she was referring to the word or them, so they just went back to watching.

 **Simmons** : I was right here!

“Slowly being replaced by someone who was just built to do the boring stuff.” Yang added in.

 **Lopez** : ( _In Spanish_ ) _Stop laughing. I need access to the following equipment: Seismograph, Advanced Seismograph..._

 **Sarge** : All right, nice chatting with you, Lopez. Now, enough jokes. Get back to work polishing stuff. The stuff's not going to polish itself, you know?

 **Lopez** : ( _In Spanish_ ) _Everyone here is in danger. You need to listen to me._ ( _Walks towards the base_ )

“When you say that, you know the Reds are going to ignore it.” Ruby said.

 **Sarge** : Haha! Well, okay, one last joke. But, that was it. Now seriously, back to work.

 **Donut** : Hahaha! I just got that one, too. Boy, he really makes you think.

“SPANISH BARRIERS EXIST!” The RWBYs yelled out,

“Seriously, 15 Lien! Order it online or some shit!” Yang exclaimed.

 **Grif** : It's like he's saying what we're all thinking, but in Spanish.

“He’s talking about saving your asses from the oncoming apocalypse of the Memory Unit failing.” Blake deadpanned, “At this rate, he’s not going to save you all.”

 **Simmons** : You guys are idiots. I'll show you who's likable and funny. And who people like. ( _Walks away_ )

“…I think he was referring to Lopez.” Ruby joked with a giggle.

 **Donut** : Huh? What's wrong with Simmons?

 **Grif** : Huh? Oh, I don't care. Hey, Donut! Let's go hang out with Lopez!

 **Donut** : Great idea!

“Make him a cynic faster!” Weiss called out.

 **Simmons** : ( _At the bottom of the ramp_ ) I'll show them. Yeah, I'll show them good.

“This is not going to end well…” Blake groaned, “For Simmons at least.”

_Cut to outside of Blue Base with Church, Tucker and Caboose_

**Church** : Okay, okay. It's like when a computer tries to solve a problem. Do you know what recursion is?

“They’re still talking about Church’s fucked up thing he has going on?” Ruby said in surprise, “Hurry up! You’re wasting time here!”

 **Caboose** : Yeah, I love that movie.

 **Church** : No, no, it's like-It's like a thing where a computer tries a number of different iterations to solve a problem then when it gets to the end it returns all those solutions back up the line to the first iteration and then it has its solution. Does that make sense?

“…Yeah? I guess?” Yang said, though was unsure, “Yeah… it makes sense. Oh! Like how Church stopped the loop back in Season 3! He keeps looping until the last Church is able to figure out a solution that stops the cycle by process of elimination and combined experiences. He will reach a conclusion eventually, that’s the advantage of an A.I., but with the unit dying by the millisecond, he’s going to be cutting it pretty close if he doesn’t figure it out soon.”

 **Tucker** : You're saying you're a computer.

 **Church** : No, no, no, no. Actually-well, actually, yes. Yeah, sort of. I'm actually-I am a computer-kind of. I'm a computer program.

 **Tucker** : But your foot was bleeding.

“Yeah, kinda wondering how Church got a human body back in Season 1.” Weiss muttered,

“Command probably made him a body.” Blake guessed, though she wasn’t sure. It was a mystery for another time. In another place. Probably Season 14.

 **Caboose** : And your breath kind of stinks. You know, I-I wasn't going to say anything before, but since we're all telling the truth about each other-

 **Tucker** : Caboose, you're an idiot.

 **Caboose** : Well, I didn't realize how much words could hurt until it was my turn. I don't think I want to play this honesty game anymore.

“The truth hurts, but it needs to be said.” Yang said,

“Like how you’re Sister!” Ruby exclaimed happily,

“FUCK OFF! I’M NOT SISTER!” Yang yelled out,

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that Sister.” RWB replied as they rolled their eyes.

 **Church** : I-I'm a real person in here because this is all constructed by memories of the person that I'm based on. Same as me. I'm all the memories of that guy.

 **Tucker** : Who is that?

 **Church** : It's another program called Alpha, who was kind of a dick. And he was based on a guy named The Director, who was also kind of a dick.

“The Alpha being less of a dick than the Director but yeah, they’re dicks who suck a bunch of dicks.” Ruby said casually.

 **Tucker** : Well, I can see you're continuing a grand tradition.

 **Church** : ( _sarcastically_ ) Yeah, I'm very proud.

 **Tucker** : It's quite a lineage.

“At least Alpha-Church didn’t fuck over people.” Weiss pointed out, “…I think.”

“Well, the only consistent thing we can say is this: All Church’s are horrible shots.” Blake said.

 **Caboose** : I grew up on a moon.

 **Church & Tucker **(& Team RWBY): ( _In unison_ ) Nobody cares!

 **Caboose** : You're all just jealous.

“We might be if it were the _real_ Caboose, and even then it would only garner a miniscule amount of interest.” Yang said.

 **Tucker** : And this girl who's coming is that original guy's girlfriend?

 **Church** : Yeah, I think. I don't remember exactly.

 **Tucker** : I thought you were that guy's memory!

“Not everyone has perfect memory.” Ruby muttered, “The memory relapses are evidence enough of that.”

 **Church** : No, I'm the other guy's memory: the middle one.

“Which is a good thing. Trust us, Church.” Weiss said. If she was going to compared to Church constantly, she would rather have it be the Alpha/Epsilon versions of Church, not the asshole creator of Project Freelancer.

 **Caboose** : Did he have a girlfriend?

 **Church** : No. Wait. Ye-Maybe.

 **Tucker** : Dude, I don't know how any of you got any girlfriends, spouting all this sci-fi bullshit. You guys ever talk about football for God's sake?

“Good advice Tucker. Maybe he’ll create an Epsilon-Crunchbite and test that theory out with the two of you.” Blake stated,

‘ _God_ , _I miss the sweet little angel known as Junior_.’ Noire thought with a sigh.

 **Church** : Look, I just know I'm supposed to meet this girl and I'm supposed to fall in love.

 **Caboose** : Uh-huh. And then what happens?

 **Church** : I don't know! We-we do whatever people do when they fall in love.

“Like… love and sex stuff?” Ruby asked, “Because that’s kinda funny.”

“How?” Yang asked,

“I dunno. It just… came into my head.” Ruby answered with a shrug.

 **Caboose** : I'm asking you a specific question. You should give me a specific answer.

 **Church** : Are you taking notes?

 **Caboose** (& Ruby): No. Maybe.

The girls only stared at Ruby as they saw her take notes. Ruby looked up and saw her teammates staring at her, “What? It’s a very complicated relationship, much more than it was in Season 1, I have to make sure my facts are straight when I tell people why I like Church X Tex. Chex, if you will.” Ruby said defensively,

“Uh huh. Whatever.” Yang said blandly as they continued the episode.

 **Church** : My job is to solve this problem or pass it along. That's it.

“Maybe you should solve it soon.” Blake suggested, “The unit is kinda about to die so you may wanna pick up the pace.”

 **Tucker** : So, you follow this girl down through the levels of the memory iterations and you basically try to figure out how to make things work. Even though she doesn't like you?

 **Church** : She likes me. She's just, you know-

 **Caboose** : Mean.

“That’s a word.” Blake muttered.

 **Church** : Yeah, thanks Caboose. She's mean.

 **Caboose** : Yeah, that was an easy guess. You know, 'cause all girls are pretty much mean.

“So… are we just gonna let that slide?” Ruby asked,

“Meh, Yang gets pissed when someone gives her a haircut, Weiss gets irritable easily with certain things, you’ve seen how angry I’ve been with Noire and I know for the fact that while Real Ruby is a sweetheart she can still beat me up with a certain book you call filth.” Blake growled in annoyance, her eye twitching as she remembered,

“Oh right…” Ruby said sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head, “Sorry about that.”

“YOU STILL HAVEN’T RETURNED IT!”

 **Tucker** : Can I just say, this might be the creepiest stalker scenario I've ever heard. And I've made a few myself.

 **Church** : What?

 **Tucker** : You chase a dead girl through a memory and every time she escapes you, you either follow her down to the next set of memories or resurrect her in some way. Only to do it all over again!

“A) It only sounds creepy when taken out of context, and B) It’s still a better plotline that Ninjas of Love.” Ruby said,

“PATTY _BERDIOLER_ IS _A_ GENIUS _AHEAD_ OF _HER_ TIME!” Blake and Noire shouted out.

 **Church** : That's not stalker-ish. That's romantic!

 **Tucker** : You know what the difference between stalking and romance is? Romance happens in movies. In real life, it's called stalking.

“Huh, I think there’s something interesting about this.” Weiss spoke up,

“What is it?” Yang asked,

“This is Epsilon’s version of the BGC, right?” Her teammates nodded, “So, wouldn’t that mean he’s talking to himself basically? They’re just the memories of the BGC. I think his own head is trying to tell him something.”

“Huh!?” Ruby said in surprise, “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that… I think he knows what he’s doing isn’t going to lead anywhere, but he keeps going, hoping that he one day he’ll find his ending with Tex.” Weiss explained, “Don’t you get it? That is the definition of insanity. To repeat everything over and over again hoping the outcome will be different, but it won’t. Epsilon-Tucker, a memory from Epsilon, is basically calling him out for chasing something he’ll never get.” The RWBYs sat in silence as the processed Weiss’ explanation until Yang broke the silence,

“So, how does he break the cycle?” Yang asked,

“I don’t know.” Weiss answered with a sigh.

 **Caboose** : Well, maybe all of this is happening inside of a movie! ( _A hissing sound starts and a grenade is shown to be in-between the trio_ )

“Well, technically it’s all happening within a web series.” Blake said,

‘ _Thank you Warlord-Xana for the reactions_.’ Noire said.

 **Tucker** : Psh. Oh, please. Who the fuck would watch that movie? All we ever do is stand around and talk.

“Well, more than stand around and talk. Sometimes shooting and walking.” Ruby said,

“Plus… we’re watching a movie about people standing around and talking…” Weiss pointed out awkwardly as she coughed into her hand.

 **Tucker:** Hey, you dropped a grenade.

“Ugh! Don’t leave live grenades lying around! Someone could get-“ Blake then paused as she realized something, “Wait, does anyone hear that?”

“Yeah. What is that?” Yang asked, though no one answered.

 **Church** : That's not mine. Caboose, pick that up.

 **Caboose** : I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember? Because of that one exploding time? Which was no one's fault.

“From the worst throw ever. Of all time.” Weiss said before slamming her head onto the table.

 **Church** : Well, I didn't drop it. Tucker, count yours.

 **Tucker** : I have a read-out on my helmet, dummy. I don't need to count.

“Kinda keep forgetting they have that type of tech.” Ruby said.

 **Church** : Oh, right. Well, it has to be somebody's.

_Beat_

“…Someone threw a grenade at them, didn’t they?” The RWBYs deadpanned,

“We should’ve figured that out a little earlier.” Blake stated,

“Yep.” The others said in unison.

 **Tucker** : …Fuck. Somebody threw a grenade at us, didn't they?

 **Church** : Yeah, we probably should have figured that out sooner, right?

“Tick, tick, boom motherfucker.” Yang said,

‘ _Thank you for the small joke halo is bad ass_.’ Noire said, ‘ _Enjoy the explosion_.’

_Grenade explodes as the Blues scream_

_Cut to Washington walking down a hallway in the Mother of Invention. As Washington walks by North Dakota follows him_

“And back to Project Freelancer.” Blake said, “Okay, what’s happening now?”

 **North Dakota** : Hey, Wash! Wait up! Listen, I heard you had a meeting with Internals.

“Wait, as in, Internal Affairs?” Weiss guessed, “Hm, why would they have a meeting with Wash? And what’s it about?”

 **Washington** : Oh, you did?

 **North Dakota** : Yeah, do you mind if I ask what it was about?

 **Washington** : Not really supposed to talk about that.

“Meetings like those are probably confidential.” Ruby said with a shrug.

 **North Dakota** : Help me out here. I'm still getting heat about using equipment in the field.

 **Washington** : You did? Really? Without a pipeline back to the Command Server?

 **North Dakota** : I had to improvise. We had a problem.

“Yeah, but this was before A.I. right?” Yang spoke up, “North took a big risk creating a dome shield, even for a few seconds at most. He’s lucky that his brain didn’t fry or his equipment didn’t malfunction.”

 **Washington** : Let me guess, are you related to the problem?

 **North Dakota** : Okay, now I don't want to talk about it.

 **Washington** : Equipment in the field... don't forget what happened to Utah during training, you're lucky it didn't kill you.

“What happened to Utah?” Ruby asked, though didn’t get an answer.

 **North Dakota** : If I was lucky I wouldn't have needed to use it at all.

 **Washington** : Well, you can relax. Internals didn't ask about you. ( _Soldiers start running past Washington_ ) It was something else. Lots of questions about the Insurrection and transmissions coming out of our-( _One soldier bumps into Washington's shoulder_ )

“Huh, is something going on?” Weiss muttered, “Those soldiers look… excited?”

 **Soldier** : Sorry sir!

 **Washington** : Hey, what's going on? Soldier, where is everyone running?

 **Soldier** : ( _Pointing down the hall_ ) New agent squaring off against Maine, Wyoming, and York on the training room floor. We're going to watch! Hey guys, wait up! ( _Leaves_ )

“A new agent? Against York, Maine and Wyoming?” Blake said, curiousity in her tone, “Who’s the new agent? No, who’s crazy enough to go three on one against someone like the Meta?”

“I think we’re about to find out.” Ruby answered, excited for the upcoming fight.

 **North Dakota** : Three on one?

 **Washington** : I gotta see this.

“I wanna see too!” Yang exclaimed.

 **North Dakota** : Yeah, right behind you. ( _Both agents follow the soldier_ )

_Cut to a training room as Maine, Wyoming and York run towards the agent with staffs_

**Computer voice** : Five, four, three, two, one: Round begin.

_Maine, Wyoming and York are knocked down to the ground by the agent's staff, revealing the agent to be none other than Tex._

“TEX!?” The RWBYs cried out in surprise,

“Tex is the new agent!?” Ruby said before smiling, “Sweet! Time to see Tex kick some ass once again!”

“Plus, it’s good to see Tex alive again.” Yang said with a chuckle before the girls sighed sadly,

“I don’t know about you guys, but Tex looks… skinnier.” Blake noted, “Actually, all the Freelancers look skinnier. Their armour doesn’t fit them. There are gaps in the armour, especially in the chest area.”

“They’ll probably fill into them as the season goes.” Weiss said before her stomach growled, “Speaking of looking skinnier, I think it’s time to eat.”

“You guys go on ahead…” Blake said as she glanced at the laptop, “I’ll stay here. You mind making me a sandwich.” The other girls only sighed,

“Don’t take three days again.” Weiss said as they left. Blake quickly jumped onto her bed and turned on the laptop. She wanted to play more Stardew Valley and was about to when noticed something on the taskbar,

“Microsoft Word 2007, huh?” Blake muttered before clicking on it. From the looks of it, it was an old document program used to write stuff. Feeling a little bored, she started typing on the keyboard.

 _Raining pink dildos_.

And suddenly, there was a thud coming from outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game... Quit!
> 
> Whew! Done! I'll update this thing as soon as I can! And I really thought the last few words you'll ever see of this fic is 'Raining Pink Dilidos'. Fuck.
> 
> UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	73. Breaking My Reality (Introductions, Lifting the Veil, Mid-Game Substitution)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Finally back online! UknownHero here and welcome to another chapter of React Watch Believe Yikes! Also known as the fic that I refuse to let die despite it’s shit quality! To be honest, I should be studying since I have exams but I am doing this instead to apologize for the long break and to finally celebrate everything is fine now. Hopefully. Unless I get contacted by the Abuse Team again. Plus exams are over now as I write this sentence. Anyway, remember, you can suggest jokes in the comments and they’ll potentially get into the fic. Anyway, disclaimer!
> 
> All RvB scenes and dialogue come from the wiki itself and is owned by Rooster Teeth.
> 
> Oh crap, I forgot what episode I’m on.
> 
> Load Game… Start!

Blake had seen a lot of things in her short life.

Now, this was a standard for many Huntsmen and Huntresses. Some have moved past the horrors of the war against Grimm and evil and have become stronger for it. Others just couldn’t let go and either went insane or dead. And then there were ones who just didn’t give a shit anymore. She had accepted this a long time ago in her time in the White Fang, and yet she hadn’t snapped until midway through Season 3.

She mentally groaned that she organized her summer in Red vs Blue seasons rather than weeks now.

Anyway, after a year of drama and a summer of insanity, she thought she had seen everything. She was wrong.

Oh, so very wrong.

‘ _HOLY SHIT I’M ALIVE_!’ Noire shouted out inside Blake’s mind,

“Huh, what?” Blake said, turning her attention away from the pink dildo rain to her other self, “What are you-“

‘ _YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH_!’ Noire cried out, ‘ _I suffered inexistence **two times**_! _The first time sucked_! _The second one sucked even harder_! _Meow Chicka Meow Meow by the way_. _Thank fucking Uknown that this is a series now on AO3_ …’

“Um, what are you talking about?” Blake asked, now rather worried for Noire,

‘ _I’m fine now_ , _and thank God you will not remember the 6 or 5 months of Hell_. _Ju-Just focus on the pink dildo rain_! _That shit is WAY more interesting_!’ And with that, Noire cut off the connection to go play mind-numbing video games, eat ice-cream and masturbate furiously to forget. Blake was just confused now,

“What did I do to deserve this…?” Blake muttered to herself before staring out the window, “And what the fuck is happening with my life!?” She exclaimed before looking down at the laptop.

 _Raining pink dildos_.

“…No.” Blake said as she leaned in closer to the screen. She looked around the dorm first before deleting the line. Suddenly, all the dildos disappeared into thin air, “Oh my God…” Blake mumbled to herself as she picked up the laptop. To make sure, she wrote something else.

_The greatest tuna sandwich in the world._

Blake paused in thought for a second before rewriting the line.

_The greatest tuna sandwich in the fucking universe. That constantly regenerates._

And like that, a tuna sandwich appeared on the keyboard. She picked it up and studied it. It looked like a plain tuna sandwich. No other ingredients, just shredded tuna stuffed between two pieces of bread. It didn’t look as appetizing as she wanted it to be but decided to take a bite anyway.

She blacked out after that.

(Some time later…)

“You think we should… help her?” Ruby asked Weiss and Yang. They had no idea what was going on today. First it was raining sex toys, now Blake was eating a sandwich and threatened to gut them if they dared to go near her. They also noted how her pupils were slits, “I mean, I’m all up for fighting but I think I might die.”

“Oh come on.” Yang scoffed before walking up to Blake, “Hey Blake-“ Yang stepped back as soon as Blake hissed at her, “Okay, what the fuck!?”

“Okay, I have a plan.” Weiss spoke up before pulling a handkerchief from one of her pockets, “You two fight Blake while I get some chloroform and get from behind.”

“Don’t you mean distract?” Yang asked. Weiss only gave her a flat stare in response, “Okay then.”

“How the Hell did Blake get a sandwich? I thought we were getting her one.” Ruby noted, before noticing the laptop on the ground. Ruby raised one of her eyebrows before picking it up. It looked rather dirty and old, “Hey, does anyone recognize this?” Ruby asked. Her remaining teammates shook their heads. Ruby opened the laptop, “’The greatest tuna sandwich in the fucking universe. That constantly regenerates?’ What?” Ruby looked at the screen of the laptop before looking at Blake, “Wait a minute.” Ruby muttered before she deleted the line. Suddenly, Blake’s sandwich popped out of existence,

“Huh?” Blake said as she realized her sandwich was gone, “NO! WHY!?” She then looked around and saw Ruby with the laptop, “You… YOU BITCH!” Blake yelled out as she charged at her leader with killing intent. Ruby quickly screamed and quickly wrote a line in the laptop.

_And for no inexplicable reason, Blake forgot about the sandwich!_

“Huh?” Blake said as she stopped running, “Huh, why did I want to kill Ruby?”

“…Ruby, what did you do?” Weiss asked as she stared at the Red Reaper. Ruby was asking this question to herself. She just looked at the laptop before smirking.

_And then, Team RWBY’s dorm transformed into a movie theatre with all the seasons of Red vs Blue loaded in it._

“Huh? What’s going on!?” Yang exclaimed as their dorm started to transform, the materials that made up the place shifting around until finally settling down, revealing a full size movie theatre with a giant silver screen in front of them, “Whoa…”

“I can’t believe that worked.” Ruby giggled out, “Man, where did you get this thing, Blake?”

“I’m not sure. I just found it.” Blake said, still looking around the place before taking the laptop off of Ruby, “But this could potentially be dangerous. I mean, we can literally break reality with this thing.”

“But it’s so awesome!” Ruby called out before she started thinking, “But then again, if someone else were to get their hands on it…”

“I say keep it for the summer before we destroy it.” Weiss suggested, “No one except JNPR knows we’re here and we could use this to rectify our food situation. Though, we should limit our uses.”

“Oh yeah…” Yang said before taking the laptop.

 _Four infinite popcorn buckets for Team RWBY_.

Suddenly, each girl got a large bucket of popcorn in their respective colours in their hands, “We have a reality-bending laptop, and we’re using it for popcorn.” Weiss deadpanned,

“Is that a complaint?” Yang asked as she took a seat,

“Nope.” Weiss replied as she sat next to her,

“Well, we may as well enjoy this.” Blake muttered as she took a seat as well,

“Alright!” Ruby cheered as she jumped into a seat. She quickly took the laptop and spawned a remote to play the episodes, “Okay! A new viewing area! A new toy we can play with!”

“And a whole lot of new problems…” Weiss mumbled,

“Let’s watch Episode 7 of Red vs Blue: Season 9!” Ruby declared before pressing play.

**(Introductions)**

_Washington walks down a hallway in which North Dakota follows him._

**North Dakota** : Hey, Wash! Wait up! Listen, I heard you had a meeting with Internals.

“And… it’s a repeat of the last bit last episode.” Weiss said, “Can we skip it?”

“No.” Ruby answered,

“Why?” The Heiress had to ask,

“Well because… it’s the principal of… it might be… shut up.” Ruby replied weakly.

 **Washington** : Oh, you did?

 **North**   **Dakota** : Yeah. Do you mind if I ask what it was about?

 **Washington** : Not really supposed to talk about that.

 **North**   **Dakota** : Help me out here. I'm still getting heat about using equipment in the field.

“It was against fucking missiles that was about to kill everyone!” Yang called out, “If North didn’t, everyone would be dead by now.”

“Who will be dead in the near future.” Blake pointed out, causing everyone to sigh.

 **Washington** : You did? Really? Without a pipeline back to the Command server?

 **North**   **Dakota** : I had to improvise. We had a problem.

 **Washington** : Let me guess, are you related to the problem?

“Well. Not necessarily…” Blake muttered to herself.

 **North**   **Dakota** : Okay now I don't want to talk about it.

 **Washington** : Equipment in the field... don't forget what happened to Utah during training. You're lucky it didn't kill you.

“Still wondering what happened to Utah!” Ruby called out, “And Florida!”

“Both are probably dead. Along with a million other Freelancers.” Yang said.

 **North**   **Dakota** : If I was lucky I wouldn't have needed to use it at all.

 **Washington** : Well, you can relax. Internals didn't ask about you.

_Soldiers start running past Washington_

**Washington** : It was something else. Lots of questions about the Insurrection and transmissions coming out of our-

_One soldier bumps into Washington's shoulder_

“Insurrection…” Weiss mumbled to herself, thinking, “What exactly are they? And what were those transmissions coming from?”

“Eh, probably best not to worry about it for now.” Blake said.

 **Soldier** : Sorry sir!

 **Washington** : Hey, what's going on? Soldier, where is everyone running?

“To go see Tex kick ass.” Ruby answered, starting to get excited by the music playing.

 **Soldier** :  _(Pointing down the hall)_  New agent squaring off against Maine, Wyoming, and York on the training room floor. We're going to watch! Hey guys, wait up!  _(Leaves)_

 **North**   **Dakota** : Three on one?

 **Washington** : I gotta see this.

“Let’s see this new Agent get his/her ass kicked.” Yang said sarcastically, “Oh… this is gonna be fun.”

 **North**   **Dakota** : Yeah, right behind you.

_Both agents follow the soldier_

_Cut to a training room as Maine, Wyoming and York run towards the agent with pugil sticks_

**F.I.L.S.S.** : Five, four, three, two, one: Round begin.

_Maine, Wyoming and York are knocked down to the ground by the agent's pugil stick, revealing the agent to be none other than Tex._

“Wow, it’s nice to see Tex again.” Weiss said, “Looks a little skinnier than I remember though but still nice to see that she still kicks ass.”

“And is probably just as much of a bitch too.” Blake added in, “If not worse.”

_Zoom to the spectator room above the training ground, where Washington, North, South, and Carolina all watch the battle._

**Carolina:** _(pacing behind the other three agents)_  What's going on down there? There's no training session on the schedule.

“Um, she seems a bit too worked up.” Yang noted, “A little extra training won’t hurt anyone.”

“Apart from York, Wyoming and Maine…” Weiss pointed out.

 **South Dakota** : It's impromptu.

 **Carolina** : Who the hell is that?

 **South Dakota** : Some new recruit.

“So that would mean Alpha-Church should be born by now.” Blake muttered, “Now, it’s only a countdown until shit starts to hit the fan.”

_Meanwhile, down in the training room, York, Maine and Wyoming get back up and charge forward. However, they are all knocked back seconds later._

“I think this is less testing, and more massacre.” Ruby said.

 **Washington** : Wow, he sure doesn't move like he's a recruit.

“Well, I’m guessing the Director imagined Allison as perfect, so Tex should be perfect in every way.” Yang guessed, “Of course there’s the minor flaw of the whole Fail-No-Matter-What thing and constantly dying…”

 **South Dakota _:_** Why do you assume it's a guy?  _She's_ a  _girl_.

 **Washington** : Oh. I...I didn't really mean that he... I mean it... I mean her... I...

_North and South both chuckle_

“Man, you gotta love socially-awkward Wash.” Ruby said, “You know, before his mind was raped by a self-destructive Epsilon and became a jackass.”

“The Director should get an award for Screwing Over The Most People.” Weiss muttered.

 **South Dakota** : Right.

 **Washington:** Sorry.

 **South Dakota** : Just shut up.

 **Carolina** :  _(still pacing behind the other three agents)_  Both of you, can it.

“Whoa, looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Blake noted, “But then again, I doubt every Freelancer was given a test when they were new. Wash did say Tex given special treatment by the Director.”

 **South**   **Dakota** : Sounds like someone is a little bit concerned about their position.

 **Carolina** : Hey South, pay attention. You might actually learn something if you stop running your mouth for a minute.

_Cut back in the training room, Tex strangles Wyoming with her pugil stick on her back as York and Maine get back up. Maine raises his pugil stick, but is hit away along with York by Tex, who lets go of Wyoming. Tex then gets into a duel with each them, easily knocking them down. Tex walks away coldly and throws away her broken stick on the ground. Maine gets back up and wobbles a few steps before dropping to the ground._

The girls could only stare at the screen as they watch Tex completely destroy three guys in a matter of seconds.

“She’s not even trying.” Blake whispered out,

“…And this was when she was starting out.” Yang said, amazed, “Huh, no wonder Carolina seems jealous.”

“You know, it’s kinda satisfying to see the Meta and Wyoming get their asses handed to them by Tex after everything they did, even if it is Pre-Fall of Freelancer.” Weiss spoke up,

“And there _so much_ more ass-kicking coming up.” Ruby cackled.

 **F.I.L.S.S.** : Round One: over. Pugil stick training, complete. Point awarded to Texas. The current score is: Team One: 0. Texas: 1.

 **Washington** : Texas, huh?

 **Carolina** : I thought that name was reserved.

“Reserved for who?” Ruby questioned,

“Reserved for Tex.” Weiss answered.

 **Washington** : Nice moves.

 **Carolina** : Could be luck. We'll see.

“…Yeah. Luck.” Blake deadpanned, “That’s a good reason.”

“Jealous~” Yang sang out.

 **F.I.L.S.S.** : Beginning hand-to-hand combat.

RWB groaned at hearing about hand-to-hand, reminding them of their training sessions with Yang without their weapons.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:** Round Two begin in five, four, three, two, one. Round begin.

 _The four agents in the training room get their stances ready_.

 **York** : Okay guys, this one should be easy, so let’s just play it by the book. Maine, how about you flank left and then-

_Maine charges in but is quickly knocked down._

“Yep, already having flashbacks.” Weiss groaned.

 **York** : Or you could just charge in and get immobilized first. Okay, Wyoming, let’s stick together and-

_Wyoming also charges in but is quickly knocked down._

“And… yep, I can still feel the bruises.” Weiss moaned in pain,

“Hey, I was holding back!” Yang called out,

“Maybe next time, hold back a little more.” Ruby suggested, “Against the others. I can so kick your ass without Crescent Rose.” Yang only scoffed at that,

“I’s like to see you try.” Yang taunted.

 **York** : What’s the story? Am I the only one on this team that knows how to talk?

“Well, Wyoming has been awfully quiet.” Blake noted,

“Well, his stupid accent would make the Freelancer scenes a lot less serious.” Weiss pointed out, “I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if looked like one of those stupid villains you’d see in old black and white movies.”

 **Tex** : I don't think talking is your problem.

 **York** : Oh no!

 _York swings his fist towards Tex, but Tex punches him to the ground._   _Tex kicks Wyoming to the ground as he tried to get up. Maine then gets into a fistfight with Tex. Tex swings Maine over her head and kicks him towards Wyoming knocking them both down. York gets up and begins to throw punches towards Tex, but she easily outmatches him and punches him down._

“And down goes everyone!” Ruby announced, “That’s another point to Tex, people!”

“I can’t believe Wyoming and the Meta could beat her during the Blood Gulch Chronicles and the Recollection.” Yang muttered,

“Well, this is before they got A.I. and they aren’t as skilled as they are by the time Red vs Blue starts.” Blake pointed out, “And in this, they had no idea who Tex really is. They probably started learning her weaknesses during Freelancer and are able to abuse once the Project fell.”

“Still, it’s gonna take a while to find out her weaknesses.” Weiss added in, “I mean, just look at the fight. You’d think she doesn’t have any.”

“Until her curse kicks in.” Ruby grumbled.

_Cut to the overlooking Freelancers_

**Washington** : Wow!

 **North Dakota** : Okay,  _that_  was pretty impressive!

_Pan over to Carolina’s judging visor before cutting back to the arena._

“And you said it was luck!” Yang called out, “Man, not even ten seconds at looking at her and my Jealousy Meter is off the charts.”

_York, Maine, and Wyoming get back on their feet._

**York** : Okay guys, that obviously didn't work so well. How 'bout this time we stay in formation and instead of like-

_Maine and Wyoming charge into battle, completely ignoring York's instructions again._

“Idiots running into a hailstorm of bullets think they’re invincible.” Blake finished, “Yeah, they really aren’t that smart.”

“Well, they haven’t learned the rule yet.” Ruby said, “Don’t fuck with Texas.”

 **York** : Damn it! I can't believe I actually volunteered for this crap.

“They can have Freelancers volunteer as punch bags?” Yang joked.

_York also charges into battle._

_Maine swings towards Tex, but she kicks him back. Wyoming runs towards her, but she punches him in the face. York begins to swing and kick at her, but Tex outmatches him again. Tex begins to fight off her 3 opponents, knocking Maine off his feet and punching him to the ground. Then she rolls over Wyoming's back and knocks him down. She swing kicks York and knocks Maine to ground._

_York, Maine, and Wyoming, all at once, begin to attack Tex however they can. Tex manages to block all of their oncoming attacks. She eventually outmatches them and wins the round._

“God, the chorography of these fights.” Weiss said in awe, “It’s astounding yet pretty realistic at the same time. She’s making them look like amateurs!”

“And this is why you follow Sarge’s… thing.” Yang said before doing her best Sarge impersonation, “Face your enemy man to man. Or in your case, woefully inadequate man to woman. And then when she's distracted, use superior technology to take her out.” She then went back to her normal voice, “But in this case, woefully inadequate men.”

“Which seems to be a running joke in this show.” Blake pointed out, “By the way, nice impression.”

“Thanks. Learned it from Jaune surprisingly.” Yang replied.

 **F.I.L.S.S.** : Round over. Point Texas. Hand-to-hand combat complete. Now resetting the floor for Lockdown Paint Scenario.

_Pillars begin to emerge from the floor of the arena._

_Cut to overlooking Freelancers._

**Washington** : Ugh. I hate that paint.

“What? It looks like a standard paintball match.” Ruby said, before noticing the glares coming from her teammates, “What?”

“Any ‘standard paintball match’ with you usually ends up with you shooting people in the throat.” Blake told her leader as the other groaned, “Or the nuts if you’re Jaune.”

“Ugh! Paintball guns aren’t as accurate as a normal rifle!” Ruby tried to defend herself,

“Ruby, you usually hit nothing _but_ the throat in paintball matches!” Yang yelled out, “I swear, I think you’re doing it on purpose!”

“No I don’t! Watch!” Ruby said as she quickly used the laptop to spawn a paintball gun and shot it behind her without looking. Somehow, the paintball bounced off the walls in a spectacular fashion only to hit Weiss in the throat, causing the Heiress to fall off her seat, “Erm… whoops. Man, something must be off on this thing. Let me try again.” Ruby was about to shoot, only for the gun to disappear, “Hey!”

“Stop before I give you memories of having sex with a tree.” Yang threatened,

“Hah! Jokes on you! I-“ Ruby started before pausing in mortification as she realized what she revealed as her teammates stared at her, “Um… do you mind…?”

“Done.” Yang replied,

“Cool! Now, what did you delete again?” Ruby asked. The RWBYs stopped to think about it before shrugging. It wasn’t that important.

 **South Dakota** : Tell me about it. Stings like a bitch.

 **North Dakota** : Turns your armor hard as a rock.

“So basically, a gun that causes an armour lockdown before armour lockdowns were available.” Weiss noted, “Hey, wait a minute, if this is the past, why are they using Mark VI armour!? Shouldn’t it make more sense that they wear Mark V or something?”

“Either because the armour looks better, or they only let Reds and Blues upgrade their armour once a new set becomes available for the Freelancers.” Blake guessed, “But… then again, that… wouldn’t make… sense… fuck.”

 **Carolina** : I wouldn't know.

_Wash, South, North all turn toward Carolina._

**Carolina** : It's not bad if you don't let it hit you.

“Well, someone’s a little cocky.” Ruby muttered, “But then again, she is number one for a reason.”

“But she’s bound to make a mistake eventually. Everyone does.” Weiss said. The other RWBYs wondered if that was ironic.

 **Washington** : _(sarcastically)_  Thanks, I'll try to remember that.

“That is not helpful, Carolina.” Blake said, “At least Pyrrha is more helpful…”

“It’s still so weird that there are people in Beacon we know have voices in RvB.” Yang spoke up, “Make me wonder if we have voices…”

“But I don’t remember doing any voice acting.” Weiss pointed out, “But then again, we don’t remember a lot of stuff lately…”

_Cut back to the training arena, where York, Maine, and Wyoming walk to a table and load their paintball guns._

**F.I.L.S.S.** : Round Three, in five... four... three... two... one! Round begin!

“Don’t bother taking bets, folks.” Yang said, “Because those last two rounds pretty much set who’s gonna win this.”

_The 3 agents take cover behind the pillars._

**York** : Maine. Maine! Look I'm gonna move left, you go-

_Maine rushes in. Shots are heard._

“…Suddenly, the Meta doesn’t seem as scary.” Ruby muttered,

“Remember, this is before he went insane from all the A.I. So like all the other Freelancers, I’m sure Maine isn’t as an effective fighter as was as the Meta. And from the looks of it, ain’t too bright either.” Yang explained.

 **York** : _(sarcastically)_  Or you just run out and do whatever you want and then get killed. ( _Maine is knocked back covered in pink gooey paint_ ) Ready, break. Good job everybody.

_Shots are heard. York sees Wyoming with paint all over his helmet._

“…Those guys were the main antagonists.” Blake deadpanned,

“But then again, the Reds and Blues are idiots and Tex kinda fails at important stuff.” Weiss reminded everyone before eating some popcorn.

 **York** : Oh man, it's gonna be a long day.

_A montage of Tex running across the arena and York hunting her down is shown._

“Dude, it’s like a lion hunting a deer.” Yang chuckled,

“Lion Grimm and Deer Grimm aren’t in the same habitat.” Weiss pointed out,

“Toe-May-Toe, Tah-Mah-Toe.” Yang replied, before dodging a tomato thrown by Ruby, “That wasn’t even a pun!”

“I know, and I did a visual pun.” Ruby said, ashamed of herself… before slamming a tomato into her face.

_Tex finds York, knocks his gun away, knees him in the crotch, and shoots him in the face. York falls backward._

The girls couldn’t help but chuckle at York getting destroyed by Tex, “Man, she always seems to go for the balls.” Blake noted while giggling,

“Well, the balls are the shared weakness of men.” Ruby pointed out, “Apart from video games, sports and women.”

“Isn’t that a little sexist?” Blake asked,

“It works for dad.” Ruby replied before saying dramatically, “’No! Video games! My only weakness! Apart from that one thing. And that other thing.’ Every time I beg dad.”

_Another montage showing Tex splattering her 3 opponents with paint and obtaining points in the process is shown._

_Maine and Wyoming, both standing like statues covered in paint. York talks to Wyoming._

**York** : Hey, Wyoming. Where is he, can you see him?

“He does realize he’s getting consistently being beaten up a girl, right?” Yang asked rhetorically.

_Tex points her gun behind York's head._

“Um, I think I found her.” Blake said as everyone else giggled.

 **York** : Uh, you know what? Never mind man, I think I've figured it out.

_Tex fires and York's helmet becomes covered with paint. Tex walks past him. Another montage is shown with the 3 agents attempting to fight off Tex._

“I know Tex is good but Tex was never _this_ good.” Ruby noted, “I’m still wondering whenever or not Tex got weaker, or the others got better.”

“But, maybe Carolina can at least give her a challenge. She is number one on the leaderboard for a reason. A.I. or not.” Weiss pointed out,

“Two A.I. Carolina, remember?” Yang reminded everyone, “2-A.I-brain-got-fried-then-she-died Carolina?”

“I love how we made a rhyme over how someone died.” Blake said sarcastically, “We are _such_ good people.”

“Meh, that died when we got trapped.” Ruby said off-handedly.

 **F.I.L.S.S.** : Point Texas.

_Tex, however, continues to outmatch them, again and again._

**F.I.L.S.S.** : Another point for Texas.

“Just give all the points to Tex!” Yang called out, “There is literally no point for this to continue so give up now!”

“Wyoming’s a marksman, right?” Weiss spoke up, “Because his hit/death ratio is really bad.”

 _Tex leaps off a pillar and shoots Maine's wrist. She dodges shots from Wyoming and York and shoots back at them, but the two quickly take cover. Maine swings in a punch, in which Tex dodges by rolling past him. She leaps off another pillar, shoots Maine again, and kicks him back. Maine swings in another punch at Tex, but Tex dodge and shoots his gun high into the air._   _As Tex continues to dodge punches from Maine and shots from Wyoming and York the gun starts to come down. She catches the falling gun and shoots Maine with it, knocking him down. She evades two shots from York and kicks Maine's body towards him. York rolls over Maine and toward Tex. As the two get into battle, York manages to knock Tex's gun away. However, Tex kicks the gun at York's face, swings his arm towards is crotch, uses his own gun to fire paint at it, and flings him across the arena. As Tex begins to walk away, she sees Wyoming hiding behind a pillar and shoots him in the face._

_All while the first verse of On Your Knees plays (AKA Tex’s theme song)_

“Woo! Go Tex!” Yang cheered, “Man, that was so awesome!”

“She’s not even hesitating. Every move, every attack, already planned and executed perfectly.” Weiss noted, “Tex isn’t that good… right?”

“Wh-What the heck is playing?” Blake asked before chuckling, “Hold on. I-If I’m hearing this right, it’s about Tex fucking up other Freelancers. Holy shit, I think this is her theme song.”

“I want a theme song!” Ruby whined. Suddenly, “This Will Be The Day” started playing from the laptop, “Yay!”

 **F.I.L.S.S.** : Having 8 rounds, the score is now: 0, 8. Advantage: Texas.

“They should really call it by now.” Blake suggested, “By now they should know the ‘rookie’ is good. May as well quit while they still have their manhood.”

“I’m pretty sure Tex shot those off 3 rounds ago.” Yang said with a laugh.

_York, Wyoming, and Maine walk back to the table and reload their guns._

**York** : Yeah,  _advantage_  is the right word F.I.L.S.S.

“After 8 rounds, you’d they would gi-“ Weiss started before seeing something.

_Wyoming hands Maine a cartridge. York sees this._

**York** : Hey? What the hell are you guys doing?

“What the-“ Ruby said, “Oh no. Don’t tell me…”

 **F.I.L.S.S.** : Round Nine begins in five... four... three... two... one! Round Nine, begin.

_Wyoming and Maine nod at each other and begin to their fire guns, which now have live rounds of ammo. Tex manages to not get hit._

“What-they’re using live rounds!?” Yang exclaimed, “What the Hell!?”

“Looks like someone’s a sore fucking loser!” Weiss shouted out,

“Even in Freelancer…” Blake said in disgust, “They want to win no matter what.”

“KICK THEIR ASS TEX!” Ruby yelled out before adding, “Except York. He’s not a dick!”

_Cut to the overlooking Freelancers. C.T. has now joined the group._

**Washington** : What?! Are they using live rounds on the training floor?

 **South Dakota** : Looks like it.

“Why is no one _CALLING_ _IT OFF_!?” Weiss yelled in rage, “Get the Director! Get _anyone_ so they can throw Wyoming and Maine out the airlock!”

 **Washington** : That's against protocol, they're gonna kill her!

 **C.T.** : Probably.

“And what the fuck is wrong with you people!?” Yang exclaimed, “Is Wash the only one who fucking cares!?”

“They’d probably get shot.” Ruby said through gritted teeth, “Thank God the Reds and Blues killed them. Killed by Sim Troopers. The worst of the worst and killing the best of the best. See what happens when karma bites you in the ass!”

 **Washington** : Someone should get the Director!

 **C.T.** : ( _laughs_ ) The Director? Who do you think gave them the ammo?

 **Carolina** : Watch your mouth C.T.

“But she is probably right.” Blake said grimly, “Probably another one of his ‘experiments’.”

“’Given us everything’, my ass.” Yang muttered,

“Well, Wash was right. The Director _did_ give them everything.” Ruby said in a dark tone, “That includes their death and misery.”

_Cut back to the training arena where shots are still being fired at Tex._

“So, we have Tex with a paint gun and Wyoming and Maine with real guns.” Weiss analyzed, “While it might hurt like a bitch, Tex could probably survive a few gun shots, especially since, I’m guessing, she’s in a robot body. All Tex has to do is hit them once with paint and they’ll be immobilized. Plus, with how things were going in the previous rounds, Tex still has the advantage.”

“Still, it was just paint before. These are live rounds, and they’re much faster.” Ruby pointed out, “She needs to rely more on cover now instead. And from the looks of it, she’s running out of it fast.”

 **York** : Back off man. What the-

_York puts his hand on Wyoming's shoulder but Wyoming shrugs it off. Tex takes cover as Maine and Wyoming close in on her._

**York** : Enough of this.

“Yeah. End this before this gets worse or someone gets hurt.” Blake said, “Take these sore losers down!”

_The battle gets fierce as York appears behind Tex._

**York** : Look out!

_Tex quickly points her gun at him._

“Same team! Same team!” Ruby exclaimed, “Don’t shoot the only good guy!”

 **York** : Hey, I'm trying to help.

 **Tex** : I don't need your help! Never abandon your team.

“Sportsmanship went out the window as soon the bullets started flying!” Weiss called out,

“Argh! Why does every Freelancer try to do shit alone!?” Ruby shouted out, “South died because she abandoned and betrayed everyone! The Meta died because it only relied on its A.I.! Wyoming died because overused his time distortion enough for Tucker to kill his dumb ass! The original Tex kept fucking up without the Reds and Blues to back her up! And Epsilon-Tex died fighting Wash and the Meta alone! HAVE A FUCKING TEAM!”

“Now that I think about it, a lot of the Freelancer deaths would’ve been prevented if they just accepted some help other than their A.I.” Blake noted, “No wonder Wash is the last Freelancer alive.”

“But he barely survived. He tried fighting the Meta alone and he got blown up trying to fight the Reds.” Yang pointed out, “Hell, if the Reds & Blues didn’t come in time, the Meta would’ve used the Chupathingy to bisect him from the waist down. And I’m pretty sure Doc’s medical training doesn’t cover amputation.”

“I’m pretty sure Doc’s medical training doesn’t cover _anything_ medical.” Ruby deadpanned.

_Wyoming tosses Maine a grenade. Wyoming runs on top of a pillar and begins to fire. Tex evades and kicks York away. As Wyoming hops down, Tex grabs him and tosses him over. Maine punches Tex, but she blocks and kicks him. As Maine swings in for another attack, Tex dodges it and shoots Maine's hand to a pillar. Wyoming fires and hits Tex, causing her arm to spark blue._

**Tex** : Ah!

“Dammit!” Yang swore, “Come on, Tex! You can do this!”

“Um… armour shouldn’t spark. There should’ve been at least blood.” Ruby pointed out, “Yep, definitely a robot body.”

_Tex runs towards Wyoming and beats him up. York then places his hand Tex's shoulder._

**York** : Hey, don't-

_Tex shrugs York off and begins to beat him up also. As Wyoming begins to stand, Tex fires an array of paint at him. As Wyoming slowly falls to the ground, Tex grabs his head and jams it into a pillar._

“H-He’s probably not gonna stand back up from that one.” Blake said weakly,

“Why is no one questioning the fact that she _slammed a guy through a wall_!?” Weiss exclaimed, “I mean, I know the paint strengthens armour but no normal person at peak physical condition can do that! Especially since A.I. aren’t available yet!”

“Well, at least someone without an Aura…” Ruby muttered.

_Tex begins to walk towards York. Maine releases his hand from a pillar and rams his body towards the pillar Wyoming is in._

“Oh shit!” Weiss yelled out in surprise, “Forgot about the fucking brute!”

_The top half flies off once Maine hits it, causing giant pieces of debris to fly everywhere. Tex manages to evade, but some of the debris hits York, knocking him down. Tex rolls toward Maine, begins to fire paint at him and kicks him far back. As Maine begins to fall to the ground he tosses the grenade Wyoming gave him earlier toward Tex. Tex dodges it and the grenade lands near York, who is struggling to get up._

“Hey, wait a minute, YORK!” The RWBYs yelled out in distress.

 **Tex** : Hey!

_Tex's arm sparks again. Tex begins to fire an array of paint all over York's body to protect him but the grenade explodes. York's body flies backward in response to the explosion._

**York** : Aaahh!!

“YORK!” The RWBYs exclaimed,

“Son of a bitch!” (Ruby)

“Damn it! Those maniacs!” (Weiss)

“They should’ve pulled out…” (Blake)

“Sore fucking losers!” Yang shouted out, “Great, thanks Maine! Thanks Wyoming! YOU FUCKING ALMOST KILLED YORK, ASSHOLES!”

_Fade out to the end credits._

**North Dakota:**  Shit!

 **Washington** : Damn it! Those maniacs!

 **North Dakota** : What the fuck are they doing?!

 **Carolina** : F.I.L.S.S., we need a medical team on the training floor, stat!

_Alarm sounds begin to blare._

**F.I.L.S.S.** : Medical team on route. Please remain calm.

_Alarm sounds continue to blare._

**Carolina** : York? York!

“Well, that would explain Out Of Mind…” Ruby muttered as everyone sat back down, “Tex saved one of York’s eyes by shooting his armour.”

“But didn’t have enough time to cover the visor…” Weiss sighed, “She failed.”

“The first of many, I’m sure.” Blake said solemnly,

“But without Tex, he would’ve died.” Yang pointed out before picking up the remote, “I would say I hope he’s alive, but… knowing the future sucks!” And with that, Yang pressed play.

**(Lifting the Veil)**

_Maine growls and rams into the top half of a pillar, causing the debris to hit York. Tex fires paint at Maine and kicks him away. Maine's back hits a pillar and he begins to fall. Maine, however, pulls the pin off a grenade he is holding, and throws it toward Tex. She easily evades the incoming grenade and it lands next to York._

**Tex** : Hey!

“Ugh! Why can’t we skip this!?” Yang exclaimed, “York gets his eye taken out! We get it! Seriously, this doesn’t happen in the Blood Gulch sections!”

“It’s for drama.” Blake answered simply before looking at the remote, “Plus, there’s no rewind or fast forward on the remote.”

_Tex's right shoulder sparks. She begins to fire an array of paint all over York's body to protect him but the grenade explodes. York flies backward in response to the explosion._

The RWBYs couldn’t help but wince at the explosion, “So this is before A.I. and they are already trying to kill each other.” Ruby said with a sigh, “Oh… this is gonna be brutal.”

 **York:** Aaaahh!!

 **North Dakota** : Shit!

 **Washington** : Damn it! Those maniacs!

 **North** : What the fuck are they doing?!

“Maybe this wouldn’t happen if one of you actually fucking cared and, I don’t know, STOP THE FUCKING THING BEFORE SOMEONE GOT HURT!” Weiss yelled out, “For fuck’s sake, I get Wash for not going in there but literally anyone else could’ve fucking stopped it.”

_Wash, North, and South run down to the training arena. Carolina pushes an intercom button._

**Carolina** : F.I.L.S.S. we need a medical team to the training floor stat!

“And bring some restraints for Wyoming and Maine.” Blake said, “Considering what they did, they should’ve been kicked out of the Project. But as we all know, they’re probably going to stay.”

_Carolina runs toward the training arena as well. Alarms begin to blare._

**F.I.L.S.S.** : Medical team en route, please remain calm.

_Washington, Carolina, South Dakota, and North Dakota all enter the arena. They head to an injured York._

**Carolina** : York! York!

“Damn… can’t imagine the kind of pain he’s in right now.” Weiss muttered.

_Medical team members enter the arena and begin to scatter around._

**Carolina** : Get over here, now!

“Still wouldn’t have happen if someone interfered.” Ruby said, “None of this wouldn’t have happened if Maine and Wyoming weren’t such fucking sore losers.”

_York groans sharply._

**Washington** : _(from a distance)_  Is he gonna be okay?

“He’ll live.” Yang sighed, “But I doubt he’ll be going on missions.”

 **Carolina** : Come on York. Hang in there.

 **South Dakota** : I can't believe she did that to him...

“ _She_? What is South talking about?” Blake questioned.

_In the background, a medic tries to help Agent Maine, but Maine shrugs him off in response and the medic backs away._

**Maine** : _(in the background)_ Get off me!

“SHOOT HIM IN BALLS!” Ruby cried out, “FUCKING-wait, what the fuck!? Maine can speak? Then why the fuck can the Meta only speak in growls? Better yet, how could Wash understand the Meta back in Revelation?”

“I think we already asked that question.” Yang pointed out, “Plus, the Meta wouldn’t be as scary if it actually talked. At worst, imagine if it communicated through odors and smells?”

“Still, what happened to Maine’s voice?” Weiss said.

 **South** : ...shot his armor, sacrificed him.

“How did that look like a sacrifice!?” Ruby exclaimed, “My God, how fucking stupid are you!?”

“Really starting make us take back our words, South.” Blake growled.

 **Washington** : Lockdown  _hardens_ the armor. She probably saved his life.

 **North** : Quick thinking.

 **Carolina** : Yeah, really quick.

“But not quick enough.” Weiss said grimly, “Looks like Carolina isn’t happy with Tex.”

_Carolina looks over to Tex, who is being helped by men in black suits. The Director suddenly walks in with the Counselor by his side._

“Finally! Figures of authority!” Yang called out, “Too bad they’ll probably let it slide.”

 **Director** : Everyone! Stand down, now!

_Wash, South, Carolina, and North, quickly stand in formation._

**Director** : _(angrily)_  You should be ashamed of yourselves! I expected to act as a team!

“’A team’!?” Ruby repeated incredulously, “Explain the fucking leaderboard then!”

 **Washington** : They used live ammunition on the floor sir. That's against regulation.

 **Director** : _(angrily)_  Do you _think_ our enemies will care about regulations on the battlefield, Agent Washington?!

“No! That’s why you use non-lethal rounds during training!” Weiss shouted out, “To fucking teach soldiers how to not get shot by _real_ bullets! That has to be the stupidest, the most idiotic reason! Of all time!”

 **Washington** : So, y-you're not punishing them?

 **Director** : Ingenuity and adaptability are admirable traits!

“What…?” The RWBYs growled as they gritted their teeth,

“ _Ingenuity_ and _adaptability_? They snuck in live rounds and a fucking grenade! They cheated!” Ruby called out, “I may support fighting dirty, but it was on equal ground! Kind of. But that’s not the point!”

“Looks like the Director is encouraging lies and betrayal.” Blake noted with a disgusted look on her face, “Again, not too hard to figure out how Project Freelancer fell.”

“The Reds and Blues better get ready to shoot this fucker in the head.” Yang growled.

_The screen closes up on York's helmet. It shows multiple large cracks has a hole above York's left eye._

**Director** : You should all learn something from this. Dismissed.

“Yeah. Bring a shotgun next time.” Weiss said as she rolled her eyes, “Better yet, bring a Spartan Laser. Actually, just fucking make the paint corrosive and create poisonous gas, because Freelancer obviously does not have any standards of safety.”

_The Director leaves. C.T. appears among the other Freelancers._

**C.T.:**  ( _smirks_ ) Yeah, you should learn something alright.

“We get it, C.T.” Blake groaned, “Don’t rub it in.”

 **Washington** : I can't believe this!

 **C.T.** : Don't forget to check your place on that list Wash.

“SHUT UP, C.T.!” The RWBYs yelled out

_C.T. and Washington leave. Carolina looks over at Tex as she is being escorted out by the black suited men. Tex's arm sparks blue again._

**Tex** :  _(to one of the men)_  Don't touch me.

 **Carolina** : Interesting.

“What’s so interesting?” Weiss asked, “Ugh… you know what, I don’t wanna know.”

 **Tex** :  _(to the men)_  Take me back to the Director.

“And kick his ass!” Ruby kindly suggested.

_The black suited men escort Tex out of the training arena; Carolina continues to watch._

_Cut to a flash of white light and a loud bang._

“AH!” The RWBYs exclaimed, blinded by the light and shocked by the loud noise,

“WHY DID WE MAKE THE DORM A MOVIE THEATRE AGAIN!?” Weiss yelled out, deafened by the noise,

“WHAT!?” Ruby replied loudly,

“MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!” Blake called out, covering both sets of ears,

“MY HAIR LINE IS RECEEDING!? I’M NOT 24 YET!” Yang cried out as she started crying overdramatically. It took them a few minutes to recover and get back to watching.

 **Church** :  _(panicked and muted)_  Aaahhh!! What the hell was that?! I can't see anything! Tucker where are you? Caboose are you dead? I hope so!

“And… back to Blood Gulch.” Yang announced before breathing in relief, “Thank God for that.”

_The white flash begins to fade out revealing the Blues panicking in front their base._

**Tucker** : Aaah! What was that?!

 **Church** : I think it was a flashbang. I can’t see!

“That’s what flashbangs usually do.” Weiss grumbled, remembering her competitive shooter days, “Italsokillspeoplesometimesforme.”

“What?” Ruby asked,

“Nothing!”

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_  WHAT?!

 **Tucker** :  _(yelling)_ Well it's a good name because it definitely went flash and bang!

“And thus, the flashbang was born.” Blake said.

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_ WHAT?!

 **Church** : Oh my god, are we under attack?! Is it the Reds?

“Well, first off, throwing a flashbang at the start of an ambush is a standard military tactic, so no way the Reds would be smart enough to think that up. And, they probably use an actual frag grenade. I mean, what’s the point of throwing a flashbang while throwing a frag will make the job a whole lot easier.” Weiss explained.

 **Tucker** :  _(yelling)_ I don't know, I can't see anything either! My mother always said I would go blind, but for a totally different reason!

“…Ignoring that.” Blake said with a sigh,

“Meh, never believed in that myth.” Yang spoke up, “I mean, I’ve tested it about 11 times.”

“Yeah…” Ruby said before realizing what Yang just said, “Wait, what?”

“What? What’s wrong with staring at the sun?” Yang asked as everyone stared at her. They… didn’t know how to react and decided to leave it for now.

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_ WHAAT?!?!

 **Church** : Caboose, stop saying "What". You can't hear.

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_ Can of beer?! But this is not the time!

“You’d think their armour would dampen the effects of a flashbang.” Weiss muttered,

“You’d guess the armour would be better than paper.” Ruby pointed out, “Seriously, you’d think these guys would be a bit more bullet resistant.”

 **Church** : You're deaf.

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_ Oh no! I had so much to live for!

 **Tucker** :  _(yelling)_ No you didn't!

“Neither do you!” Blake called out.

_Tucker, unbeknownst to himself, bumps into Church._

**Tucker** :  _(yelling)_ What was that?! Something just hit me!

 **Church** : Something just hit me too!

“Are they still blind?” Yang asked,

“Flashbangs shouldn’t take this long to wear off…” Blake muttered.

 **Tucker** :  _(yelling)_ Is it another grenade?!

 **Church** :  _(panicked)_  We're under attack! Open fire!

_The Blues randomly begin firing in the air._

The girls could stare at the screen as they watched the Blues shoot each other, “These are our heroes, folks.” Ruby deadpanned, “Fuck.”

“Yeah… hey, where’s Wash when you need him?” Weiss asked rhetorically.

 **Tucker** :  _(yelling)_ AAAHH! Get some! Take that fuckers!

_The camera pans backward revealing Epsilon-Tex, finally arriving in the Epsilon unit, watching the Blues make fools of themselves as bullets fly around her._

“Meh, close enough.” Ruby chuckled out, “Good to see Tex is fine again. Well, _Epsilon_ -Tex anyway.”

“Maybe this time Church will get this iteration right.” Blake said, “Before the Epsilon Unit fails.”

 **Epsilon-Tex** : What a bunch of idiots.

“Yeah, but they’re your idiots.” Yang said.

_Cut to Grif and Lopez standing in front of the Warthog. An earthquake appears._

**Lopez** : Ustedes deberían dejarme investigar este fenómeno sísmico. [You people should let me investigate this seismic phenomenon.]

 **Grif** : Yeah, okay buddy, whatever you say. Hey, you missed a spot.

“Um, aren’t the Reds at least a _little_ worried about the increasingly worse earthquakes?” Weiss asked, “I doubt Lopez can do anything about it but at least let them know they’re all about to die.”

“Ignorance is bliss, Princess. Ignorance is bliss.” Yang told Weiss as she patted her shoulder,

“Ignorance will get you killed.” Weiss muttered as she shrugged Yang off.

 **Lopez** : Al menos todos moriremos con un vehículo limpio. [At least we'll all die with a clean vehicle.]

_Sarge walks towards the two._

**Grif** : Heh, heh, you said it. Now come on, chop, chop. Back to work buddy. Let’s hear less talk I don't understand and see more work I don't want to do.

“I would say that’s the wonders of a robot-living organism relationship but in Grif’s case that’s his relationship with everyone he knows.” Blake said.

 **Sarge** : How's it going out here?

 **Grif** : Great! The jeep has never been so clean.

“Which will inevitably get destroyed some time soon.” Ruby said flatly.

 **Sarge** : That's because you're not the one cleaning it.

 **Grif** : Good point. You know Sarge, all this time the laziness in me, its been really underutilized. I never reached my full potential.

“And thank God for that.” Weiss said with a sigh of relief, “Grif should not be clean.”

 **Grif:** I just realized; I should be in management!

 **Sarge** : You do seem like a natural.

 **Grif** : It's the best job ever. You just tell people what to do, and they do it. And if you don't have anything for them to do, you just tell them to do something they did before, but do it better this time. I've got it all figured out.

“Yeah? Tell that to the Rat’s Nest Reds.” Blake deadpanned, “Grif was definitely CO of the Year.”

“Speaking of shitty leaders, where’s Simmons?” Ruby asked, “You’d think he would be one cleaning the jeep.”

“Knowing the last time we saw him, he’s probably up to no good.” Yang replied.

 **Sarge** : How about you get busy helping with that jeep then?

 **Grif** : I'm sorry, what? I'm on break.

“And Simmons’. And Lopez’s. And probably Donut’s.” Weiss added, “Hell, he’s probably on Sarge’s break too.”

_Radio sounds. Simmons is seen at the cave entrance._

“Oh… I can already tell this can’t be good.” Blake said as she sighed.

 **Simmons** :  _(over radio)_  Come in, Lopez. Lopez, come in. This is a secure channel.

 **Lopez** : Os copio. [I read you.]

 **Simmons** : ( _over radio_ ) This is "Flying Eagle". I have a secret mission for you.

“Wouldn’t that go through Sarge first?” Ruby pointed out, “And what’s with the codename!? Everyone in the canyon… type… thing knows who you are by just voice.”

 **Lopez** : ¿Águila Voladora? [Flying Eagle?]

 **Simmons** : Actually it's Simmons. We‘re using codenames on this mission Lopez. Because it’s "Top Secret".

“This. Is so. Stupid.” Weiss said, “What is he trying to pull? Because I’m sure Lopez can prevent anything Simmons has planned.”

 **Lopez** : ¿Por qué no consigo un nombre en clave, entonces? [Why don't I get a codename then?]

“Because the Blues probably don’t know you exist yet.” Yang answered, “Or his plan has so many holes, Donut… er… ambiguous… sexuality… joke… here.” The Blonde finished off weakly, “Shit.”

 **Simmons** : I need you to come to the cave and investigate something. It's "Top Secret". Don't tell Sarge, or Grif, or Donut, or anyone else I didn't mention.

 **Lopez** : Usted podría haber dicho, <no le digas a nadie>, eso hubiese sido más rápido. [You could have just said "don't tell anyone”, that would've been much faster.]

 **Simmons** : Okay. See you in the cave. Come alone and unarmed. You could also come in with your eyes closed if you want... for secrets.

“Lopez, can you please just shoot him.” Ruby begged, “He doesn’t have to die. Just shoot him until he can’t be an adventurer again. Or a man, whatever’s appropriate.”

 **Lopez** :Esto parece sospechoso. Además, mis ojos no se cierran. Se apagan. [This seems suspicious. Also my eyes don't close. They turn off.]

“Yeah… somehow, I have the feeling Simmons will fuck this up badly.” Weiss muttered, “And it will be spectacular.”

 **Simmons** : Yes, it is an honor to be selected. You are right. "Flying Eagle" out.

_Simmons walks into the cave. Another earthquake occurs._

**Lopez** : ¿Por qué fui enviado a esta unidad? [Why was I shipped to this unit?]

“Because this universe hates the competent and sane, Lopez.” Blake replied before mumbling to herself, “We should know.”

_Lopez heads towards the cave. He makes it inside._

**Lopez** :  _(in Spanish)_ ¿Águila Voladora? ¿Estás ahí dentro? [Flying Eagle? Are you in here?]

 **Simmons** : Down here Lopez!

“And into your ‘Doom’.” Yang said, saying ‘Doom’ with air quotes.

_Lopez heads toward him. Simmons is seen from a far. He is standing next to a large puddle of water with a "Puma Battery" trailing into the water._

**Simmons** : This is the perfect plan. Lopez will walk through the water, which I have electrified using, A. This battery, and B. My incredible knowledge of how batteries work. The resulting shock will short him out and all the guys will see that  _I'm_ the funny, smart one who's good at math and not having emotions. They'll see!

“Um, yeah, couple of flaws.” Weiss pointed out, “Er, you made no effort in hiding the battery. Uh… Lopez is much smarter than you. And… yeah, you are so fucking jealous.”

“And I think I heard his voice crack back there.” Ruby spoke up, “And all his plan does is prove that he’s the opposite of everything he just said.”

“Plus, smart people don’t try to fake conversations.” Yang said.

_Lopez arrives at the puddle, across from Simmons._

**Lopez** : Hola. [Hello.]

 **Simmons** : Oooh, hi Lopez. I was just down here investigating our mission. Hey... why don't you come over here... through that big puddle?

“That big, obviously electrified puddle.” Blake added in sarcastically, “Wait, I mean. Not electrified.”

 **Lopez** : Te escuché decir que la electrificaste. No tengo idea por qué los humanos hablan en voz alta cuando piensan. [No. I heard you say that you electrified it. I have no idea why humans need to speak out loud when they think.]

“It helps with solving problems.” Weiss answered, “But in this case, it’s used to ruin all your plans.”

 **Simmons** : (persuasively) Come on, over here.

 **Lopez** : No. Estás intentando dañarme. [No. You are trying to damage me.]

 **Simmons** : Seriously, this way. Just walk into that puddle. I mean the regular puddle...the one that's not, you know... _(sighs)_ You know what, forget I mentioned the puddle. No puddle there, that's dry. Optical illusion.

“It’s not working Simmons!” Ruby shouted out, “Cut it and run! Into the puddle! It’s a safe zone!”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he fell for that.” Yang admitted.

 **Lopez** : Eres muy malo en esto. [You are very bad at this.]

 **Simmons** :  _(pleading)_  Pleease! Come on!

“Why can’t he just shoot Lopez?” Weiss said, “He has a gun right there! And he isn’t Church! Why go through all this trouble when he can literally just shoot him right now. He’s a robot, he has backups dude that won’t remember what happened.”

“Thank God the real Lopez has backups.” Ruby sighed, “Unlike Donut.” The girls sighed sadly at the memory of the real Donut.

 **Lopez** : Solo daré la vuelta. Veo otra forma de entrar. [I will just go around. I see another way in.]

 **Simmons** : What?! NOOO!! Wait!

_Simmons runs into the large puddle and gets electrocuted like the jealous dumbass he is._

The RWBYs just sweatdropped as soon as Simmons stepped into the puddle, “So, Simmons is the smart one, right?” Yang muttered,

“Academically.” Blake pointed out, “If you want logically smart, you’d get Grif.”

 **Lopez** : Ay señor. Dame tu fortaleza. [Oh lord. Give me a break.]

_Simmons jitters as he is being electrocuted._

“So, what have learned from this episode?” Yang asked as the last episode of the set was being loaded, “Because I learned it’s okay to cheat in Freelancer, especially when it’s training and for fun!”

“That you shouldn’t be jealous, or else you’ll end electrocuting yourself?” Blake guessed,

“I learned to fucking get on with the fucking show! I wanna see more action!” Ruby called out,

“Alright! Alright! Sheesh…” Yang muttered as she passed the remote to Weiss,

“Well, it’s the last episode of the set. Let’s see what Lopez is doing with Simmons right now.” Weiss said. After the episode loaded, Weiss pressed play.

**(Mid-Game Substitution)**

_Fade inside of the cave where Lopez is standing in front of Simmons. His armor is maroon with a brown trim. Simmons wakes up, chained to a stone ball._

“What the-Why is Lopez in maroon?” Yang asked, “Badly painted maroon?”

“Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me…” Weiss mumbled, “God damn Season 4…”

 **Simmons** :  _(moans)_  Ugh, what happened?

 **Lopez** : Hola. [Hello.]

 **Simmons** : What, am I dead? I see my body, am I in heaven?

“I don’t think you’d be in Heaven, especially what you tried to do before.” Blake said.

 **Lopez** : Estoy tomando su lugar en el equipo Rojo. [I am taking your place on Red Team.]

“Huh? Lopez is replacing Simmons?” Ruby said, “I thought he was already doing that.”

 **Simmons** :  _(moans)_  Ugh, why is my body speaking Spanish? Oh no, did I go to Mexican heaven by mistake? That's like white people hell.

The girls remained silent as they stared at the screen before looking at Weiss, “Hey!” Weiss called out. They decided to go back to watching after that.

 **Lopez** : No. Reemplazándote es la única manera de que obtenga acceso al equipo que requiero para estudiar estos terremotos. [No. Replacing you is the only way I can get access to the equipment I need to research these quakes.]

“…You know, kidnapping Simmons and replacing him is a lot more productive than what the Reds are doing.” Blake noted, “Though, he could’ve at least painted his armour completely maroon.”

“And somehow convince the Reds he’s Simmons… in Spanish.” Ruby pointed out, “Yeah, this is totally going to work.” Ruby said with confidence.

 **Simmons** : I knew it! You just wanted to become super popular so you take my place!

 **Lopez** : No tendría que ser súper popular para hacer eso. [I wouldn't need to be super popular to do that.]

“I mean, he just got built, dude.” Yang said, “And technically Sarge replaced Simmons since he built Lopez to do all of Simmons’ tasks, and the rest of the Reds really don’t care so if all else, Simmons should blame his team.”

 **Simmons** : You're gonna regret this Lopez.

_Lopez exits the cave leaving Simmons alone inside._

**Lopez** : No veo como. [I don't see how.]

“And neither do we!” Ruby called out.

 **Simmons** : ( _yelling_ ) We'll all regret this!

“That didn’t even make any sense!” Weiss exclaimed, “Stop trying to be dramatic!”

 **Lopez** : ¡Eso ni siquiera tuvo sentido! [That didn't even make sense!]

_Cut to Sarge and Grif atop Red base._

**Sarge** : I still don't understand, how does more breaks make us more efficient?

“Well, it depends on the workload.” Blake explained, “Work too long and the quality of the project suffers due to fatigue and stress. If there are regular breaks in between, workers become more motivated to complete the task and thus more work is completed than usual. But this only applies to big projects. If it’s with smaller, easier ones, those working on it will get lazy and thus the project suffers. It’s all about balance between work and play.”

“…Blake. This is Grif, we’re talking about.” Yang said.

_Earthquake briefly occurs_

**Grif** : It's simple, if we have less hours to do work, we get more done in less time. It's all ratios.

“See.” Yang said as Blake sighed, “Anyway, if there’s too many breaks, nothing gets done. And guess what? Your free time is converted to work time so good luck with that.”

“You two shut up.” Weiss shushed, “I wanna see how badly Lopez’s attempt at being Simmons goes.”

 **Lopez** : ( _Spanish_ ) ...Hola. [Hello.]

 **Sarge** : Simmons, where in Sam hell have you been?

“Oh my God, they’re actually falling for it.” Ruby groaned.

 **Lopez** : Estudio... de cuevas. [Cave... study.]

“He’s basically not even trying and yet he’s still getting away with it.” Blake muttered, “Pretty much shows the relationship Simmons had with the Reds.”

“No wonder Lopez said it wouldn’t be that hard to replace Simmons.” Ruby said.

 **Grif** : You sound weird.

 **Sarge** : Yeah, almost like he's speaking a foreign language, but he's speaking very slowly and clearly, so I understand what he means.

 **Grif** : Me too.

“Well, you can probably piece it together but holy shit, Lopez doesn’t even need to act.” Yang said, “I’m guessing as long as their vaguely maroon, they could probably pass off as Simmons. Even if that person was a girl. Or a dog. Hell, a maroon water bottle will probably become the next Simmons if he ever dies.”

“But remember, it’s only the Epsilon versions of the Reds, so don’t exactly reflect the original Reds. Just Epsilon’s memories of them.” Weiss reminded the team.

 **Sarge** : What have you been up to?

 **Lopez** : Ya sabes. Las cosas típicas humanas como: orinar, y equivocándose en problemas de matemáticas sin razón alguna. [Oh you know. The usual human things like: urinating and getting math problems wrong for no reason.]

“People have more trouble with numbers than words generally.” Blake explained, “Hell, some of the best mathematicians are people with mental illnesses that causes them to associate numbers with colours and shapes, write a story about it and then translate that story into numbers.”

“Stop talking about math! My brain already hurts thinking about it.” Ruby groaned as she clutched her head,

“Tell that to Delta Ruby…” Yang muttered to herself.

 **Grif** : Sounds boring.

 **Sarge** : I didn't understand that one.

“Rapid fire foreign languages are often hard to understand, especially when you have no knowledge about it.” Yang said sagely before doing jazz hands, “Fact of the Day~”

“Thank you, Yang Obvious Long.” Weiss deadpanned.

 **Grif** : Me neither, but boring is always a safe bet with Simmons.

 **Sarge** : Good point.

 **Lopez** : Por favor discúlpenme. Debo revisar algunos equipos. [Please excuse me. I need to check out some equipment.]

“Which isn’t going to help because the Epsilon Unit will fail sooner or later.” Ruby said sadly, “Get it right this time, Church.”

 **Grif** : Okay. Bye Simmons.

 **Sarge** : Good luck at whatever you're doing.

 **Lopez** : Gracias. [Thank you.]

“Idiots.” Blake muttered as she face palmed.

_Lopez leaves and goes inside the Red Base. Cut to Blue Base where Tex meets up with Church, Tucker, and Caboose, who are all disoriented._

**Church** : Ooh man. Instead of a big white blur, now everything's just a big black blur.

“In a galaxy far, far away, you’d think they would improve the helmets to react to flashbangs to keep the person from getting disorientated. But apparently not.” Weiss said suddenly, though it wasn’t from her free will.

**Achievement Unlocked: Shoehorn in References!**

“Uh… what the hell is that over your head?” Ruby asked before seeing Yang messing with the laptop, “Yang!”

“Sorry! Sorry…” Yang quickly apologized as she deleted the Achievement notification over Weiss’ head,

“I’m a bitch prude!” Weiss said happily before angrily taking the laptop away from Yang and typed something in,

“…Fucking damn it.” Doyucee Myke Hawk (Formerly Yang Xiao Long) swore to herself. Blake quickly took the laptop and fixed everything,

“Stop messing with the reality-bending laptop!” Blake growled as she held onto it, making sure not to let go of it.

 **Tucker** : Man, my head should only hurt this much if I had more fun the night before.

“Getting beat up by ladies is what you call a fun night?” Ruby joked semi-seriously, “Because I’m more than happy enough give you a fun time.”

 **Caboose** : WHAT?!

 **Tucker** : Ow, Caboose! Stop yelling! Someone get me an aspirin.

 **Tex** : You guys are babies.

“Yes, because getting a flashbang to the face is child’s play.” Weiss said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes, “Not everyone’s a badass, Tex.”

“Someone’s acting like a bitch.” Blake noted.

 **Church** : Babies? You chucked a grenade at us you stupid bitch. What do you expect?

 **Tex** : Hey, there's a big difference between a flashbang and a grenade.

“Um, that grenade Tex threw looked a lot like a frag grenade so you can’t really argue…” Ruby pointed out.

 **Tucker** : It doesn't seem like it.

 **Tex** : Well, if I threw a grenade at you, I wouldn't have to have this stupid conversation right now. I would just be stepping over some disgusting puddles.

“Armour! What’s the point of having armour when it can’t even protect you!?” Yang exclaimed.

 **Tucker** :  _(to Church)_  This is your girlfriend I take it?

“Yep. They’re obviously made for each other.” Weiss said, “Both figuratively and literally.”

 **Church** : Oh yeah, Tucker, Tex. Tex, Tucker  _(mumbles)_... there you go.

 **Tucker** : Sup.

 **Tex** : Hello.

“Well, that went 100% better than their initial meeting.” Blake said.

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_  Are people meeting other people?! I want to meet people!

 **Tucker** : No you don't, and stop yelling.

 **Caboose** :  _(yelling)_  Nice to meet you, MR. YELLING!!

“Um, I think Caboose’s brain fried from the flashbang.” Ruby muttered, “Though, I doubt he would have enough brain to fry.”

 **Church** : You know, why would you attack us? Aren't you coming all the way out here to help us?

 **Tex** : Hey, I needed to evaluate the situation. I heard someone was dead, I show up here and three idiots are standing around arguing. I'm not walking into that blind.

“Meh, they do that every day. It’s nothing new.” Yang said off-handedly.

 **Tucker** : So you made us blind?

_Earthquake briefly occurs_

**Tex** :  _(mockingly)_  Oh, boohoo. It's not lethal.

“It’s still a bitch to deal with.” Ruby said, “Speaking of bitches, man, Tex is acting more like a bitch than usual.”

 **Church** : So what! That's wha- is that supposed to make us feel better? A kick in the balls would be non-lethal too.

“Though, they would make them wish they were dead.” Blake said, “I mean, ask Grif.”

“And us too.” Weiss added in before everyone groaned.

 **Tex** : That depends on who does the kicking.

 **Tucker** : Is that a threat?

 **Tex** : Heh, how 'bout we call it an experiment. See what happens.

“Test it on Grif!” Yang called, “He can’t get any more infertile than he already is!”

 **Tucker** : How about we agree to disagree.

 **Tex** : Good idea. So, who's dead?

“Church. And soon everybody else in the canyon.” Blake answered.

 **Tucker** : Oh nobody. We just made a mistake. We thought-

 **Church** :  _(coughs)_  Uhh, we thought we should bury our dead teammate and then take his name off the roster so that no one could prove he was never here.

“What?” Ruby said, not understanding what Church was doing, “What the Hell is he talking about?”

 **Tucker** : We did?

 **Church** : Yes, because that's what she is here to investigate Tucker. And if that guy didn't exist, why would she stick around?

“Oh. I get it. He needs just enough time to do whatever he needs to, and if Tex leaves, it’s basically game over and everything was for naught. Like Season 1.” Weiss explained before yawning, “God, I’m so tired…”

 **Tucker** :  _(plays along)_  Oh right. Yeah, I thought she meant some other nonexistent guy, who didn't die. Not the one guy who did die.

 **Tex** : Whoa, whoa, whoa, wai- why did you remove him from the roster?

 **Church** : Uhh, I don't know. Seemed appropriate at the time. You know it's like a respect thing.

“Yeah, take the name of a nonexistent guy off the list to make sure he didn’t exist.” Yang said sarcastically, “What a way to pay nonexistent respects.”

 **Tex** : What was his name?

 **Church** : Anderson.

 **Tucker** : Smith.

“Neo.” Ruby spoke up.

 **Tex** : Well was it  _Anderson_  or  _Smith_?

 **Church** : Uhh... Andersmith. Private Andersmith.

“Rest in Peace, Neo Andersmith! You were… well, you were there just to be killed off.” Yang said mockingly.

 **Tex** : Andersmith?

 **Caboose** : Ohh, Mr. Andersmith, I'll always miss you! You were too young to die.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, he was like ten seconds old.

“That’s adulthood in imaginary friend years!” Weiss exclaimed, “…I should know.”

 **Church** :  _(angrily)_  Shut up, Tucker.

_Cut to Red Base where Grif is seen standing on a hill, Donut walks up next to him._

**Donut** : Hey, Grif. Have you seen Simmons?

“Affirmative.” Ruby said in a robotic tone, “The unit you feeble human scum call Simmons is on the elevated area of earth, doing what humans will do routinely and pointlessly. I am not a robot.”

“I bet the Reds would totally fall that.” Blake said, “But then again, I shouldn’t be surprised.”

 **Grif** : Yeah, we're working on some equipment together.

_Lopez (disguised as Simmons) is seen scanning the area, using a green glowing device._

“It looks like Lopez has it covered.” Weiss noted, “Though, why is Grif helping in the first place?”

 **Donut** : Together?

 **Grif** : Yeah. He went up the hill, he said he needed my help, so I said, "No problem. I'll be there in a few minutes."

 **Donut** : When was that?

 **Grif** : About 5 hours ago.

The girls sweatdropped at that, “I think he meant ‘Don’t help him’ or something along those lines.” Yang guessed.

 **Donut** : Oh... so, how is the project going?

“He wouldn’t know because he _DIDN’T_ _CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING_!” Weiss yelled at Yang, “Sound familiar?” Yang chuckled nervously at that.

 **Grif** : Well, he hasn't asked for help again, which means I haven't had to think of a new excuse, so, I'd say it's going great!

“No work is enough work for Grif after all.” Ruby muttered.

 **Donut** : What's he doing?

 **Grif** : I dunno. He's got some new toys or something up there, I guess he's testing them out.

 **Donut** : Toys?

“…They’re not masturbatory aids, Donut!” Blake called out.

 **Grif** : Yeah.

 **Donut** : "Toys" is a broad term Grif. It can mean a lot of things.

“Like apparatus.” Ruby said,

“Hardware.” Weiss added.

 **Grif** : Gadgets.

 **Donut** : Go on.

“Paraphernalia.” Blake spoke up,

“Gubbins.” Yang said her piece, only for everyone else to look at her funny, “What? ‘Gubbins’ is a real word!”

 **Grif** : Electronic devices.

“Shit.” The RWBYs said in unison.

_Earthquake briefly occurs._

**Donut** : I think I'll go check this out for myself.

 **Grif** : You do that.

“Yeah, you go do you.” Yang said, “Grif can do nothing. The system is Caboose-proof.”

_Cut to the cave where Simmons attempts to escape from his chains._

**Simmons** :  _(struggling)_  If I could just wriggle free a... little... maybe I can... loosen... this!  _(Unchains himself)_ There, I'm free! Now to take my place on Red Team again.

“Like anyone would notice.” Blake muttered.

_Simmons leaves the cave._

**Simmons** : Man, Lopez was right, I do say my thoughts out loud a lot. I wonder why I do that? I'm still doing it! I really should try to stop. Okay, that was the last one. Hey I did it! No, I mean-

“Shut up, Simmons!” Ruby called out.

_Radio sounds. Cut to Blue Base where Tex is standing on a hill, talking on her radio._

**Tex** : Command, do you read me? This is Freelancer Tex reporting in.

 **Vic** : ( _over radio_ ) Roger that señorita! We read you loud and clarita! How you doin’?

“Ugh…” Weiss groaned, “There’s a fucking Epsilon-Vic. I _really_ don’t want to hear Epsilon-Vic.”

“Well, I don’t he’s that important to the overall plot of the season so I doubt we’ll be hearing much from him.” Blake said.

_Shift to Church, Tucker, & Caboose, all watching Tex from afar._

**Church** : Okay, I just need to make sure she sticks around for a little while. You know, so I can... talk to her a little bit more; and investigating this dead guy, is gonna be a good distraction.

 **Tucker** : It doesn't bother you that you made up a guy out of nowhere, and then killed that guy, just to have a chance to talk to your girlfriend?

“That is kinda creepy…” Ruby admitted.

 **Church** : No, no, no, it's like a ne... ing... to... er, whatever you call it. I-it's even. You know, he didn't exist before and he doesn't exist now. No harm, no foul. Right?

“Yeah, but you’re basically lying so you can get closer to Tex. Those are signs of a stalker or a really unhealthy relationship.” Yang pointed out.

 **Tucker** : Dude, you seriously got to look into this "stalker" thing.

“Yeah. The creepiness/tragedy that is Church and Tex’s relationship is pretty, well, creepy.” Weiss said.

 **Caboose** : I miss him.

 **Church** : You miss who?

 **Caboose** : Andersmith. He's a reminder of how close we all are just to not being here one day.

“Meh, learned that shit long ago.” Blake said with a shrug.

 **Tucker** : He wasn't here  _any_  days, idiot. He doesn't exist!

 **Caboose** : Oh how could you say that?  _(quietly)_  Don't you believe in the afterlife?

“Really hope there _is_ an afterlife.” Ruby said glumly, causing Yang to hug her.

 **Church** : Wha-? Afterlife implies  _life_  at some point. He didn't have one.

 **Caboose** :  _(sobbing)_  Because he was so young. He had hopes and dreams.

“He lived for exactly 3 seconds before Church murder him!” Yang called out, “It’s like Game of Royal Seats! Or every Call of Chivalrous Kingship campaign.”

“Yeah, COCK really went downhill after COCK: Battalion Assault Logical Laden Skirmish.” Weiss spoke up, “They keep killing people way too early and way too frequently to be emotionally effective, especially when they die on the mission you’re introduced to them.”

 **Church** : He  _was_  a dream.

 **Caboose** : Yes he was... to all of us who knew him.

“He probably wore green armour…” Ruby said dreamily.

 **Tucker** : Okay, I'm actually less worried about you now, and I'm more worried about Caboose.

 **Church** : Caboose, he didn't exist. You never knew anyone named Andersmith. None of us did.

“We don’t know an Andersmith, right?” Yang asked her teammates. Everyone else nodded in response. Meanwhile in the outside world, Neopolitan Andersmith sneezed.

 **Caboose** : Denial is an important stage in grieving.

“No, the most important stage in the five stages of grief is Acceptance.” Blake answered, “Learned that in a book.”

“Which book?” Weiss had to ask, only to be handed a copy of that book, “ _’The_ _Spoder-Man Handbook_ ’? The comic book superhero?”

“I… wanted to be Spoder-Man as a kid.” Blake replied sheepishly.

 **Church** : Yeah, apparently denial is an important part of reality too.

“No, you’re mistaking that for depression.” Weiss said before laughing at her own joke… before it melted into crying. The girls just hugged Weiss until she was calm enough to continue.

 **Tucker** : Yeah, take it from the guy who calls that chick his girlfriend.

“BURN!” Yang shouted out.

_Cut back to Tex on hill, talking on her radio._

**Tex** : Roger that. Over and out Command.

_Tex turns off her radio and begins heading towards the others._

**Church** : Oh shit, she's done with her call!  _(panicking)_  Quick... uh, talk about something else! Uhhmm...?!

“Dude, just do what you do best.” Ruby said, “Stand around and talk. Argue about shit!”

 **Tucker** : Like what?

 **Church** :  _(panicking)_  Anything! Anything! Uhh... uh, okay! Uh, you know what, I think you're right Tucker! Cows can't talk, but maybe they can't talk because no one ever taught 'em how to do that. Right?

“...Church. If you were an actor, I would shoot you.” Weiss said slowly.

 **Tucker** : That might have been the worst ad-lib ever.

 **Caboose** : You just blew my mind with the cow thing.

“Caboose’s mind would be blown by the concept of air.” Yang muttered.

 **Tucker** : That ain't hard dude.

_Tex walks up to the three._

**Tex** : Alright, here's the deal: I'm gonna stick around until we get this "dead guy thing" solved.

“That’s good. Now Church has more than enough time to realize how creepy this is.” Ruby said happily.

 **Church** : Ohh, really? Well that's great! Isn't that perfect Tucker?

 **Tucker** : Don't gloat.

 **Caboose** : Yes, Ms. Scary. I have a question. Um, how are we going to fix the dead... guy... being... dead?

“Oh right. They actually have to do shit with the body, right?” Weiss said,

“Maybe they can use a cardboard cutout and blame it on insanity.” Blake suggested.

 **Tex** : Oh we're not. We're gonna even the teams. Come on, let's go up the hill and kill one of the Reds. Then I could get out of this mud puddle.

“…Oh.” Ruby said, “Well, so much for talking.”

“Maybe Donut can kill her again.” Yang said, “Provided she doesn’t kill him first.”

 **Church** : Oh...?

 **Tex** : Hey, I'll even let you pick which one. Come on let's go.

 **Church** : Well this sounds like... fun?

“It would’ve been fun back in the original Blood Gulch days, but nowadays I don’t want Tex to shoot anyone.” Weiss admitted.

 **Caboose** : Let's pack a picnic.

 **Tucker** : We could always just eat the Red we kill. Hey Church, pick the fat guy!

“No! Use his fat for fuel! He’s too fat to have any good flesh!” Blake said before pausing after realizing what she just said, “…Yang?”

“That wasn’t me.” Yang said as everyone backed off from the catgirl,

“Oh.” Blake said as everyone stared at her, “…I’m gonna go slam my head into a wall.”

“Yeah, you go do that.” Weiss said before Blake left, “So… what do we do now?”

“Well, we have a reality breaking computer and a lifetime of boredom to get rid of.” Ruby said, “What can we do apart from escape. We don’t wanna escape, right?” Her teammates quickly shook their head,

“I think I have an idea.” Yang said as she picked up the computer and quickly typed a line.

_Who is Duster?_

Suddenly, Ruby started glowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game… Quit!
> 
> Whew! Done! That’s it for now! See ya all later!
> 
> UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	74. Robbing Convenience Stores (Planning the Heist, Son of a Bitch, The Sarcophagus)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is coming out of nowhere! UknownHero here and welcome to another chapter of, oh God, oh God, oh God I actually have a really deadline to actually write a chapter and it’s React Watch Believe Yikes. Yeah, uh, no time to explain but…
> 
> This is dedicated to TheDistur6edGuy and his Bacterial Meningitis of the Pneumococcal Strain and to all that shit that happened to him in the hospital. I don’t think I worded that right.
> 
> Yeah, I feel for you, man. I’ve been stuck in a hospital for like a month a couple of years ago and let’s just say it sucked. Not gonna go into details but before I went I was sorta killing myself and I wanted fake being sick one day, before turned out I really was sick and it was kinda on one of my sister’s birthdays. Of course, people telling me I look really pale should’ve brought up alarm bells that I should really go to the hospital…
> 
> Uh, but this isn’t about me. I just wanted to talk more. Anyway, let’s get this show on the road. If I remember how this plot goes. I even lost myself on it.
> 
> Load Game… Start!

“Why the _fluck_ are you glowing!?” Weiss screamed almost automatically as Ruby stared at her glowing form.

“’Fluck’?” Ruby repeated.

“It was flub!” Weiss called out.

“Are you making up words, Princess?” Yang asked. “Holy shit, are you having a heart attack!?”

“Flub is an actual word.” Blake spoke up. “Defined as a botch or a bungle when being used as a verb. When used as a noun it’s defined as a thing badly or clumsily done; a blunder.”

“CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FLUBS AND TALK ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRL WHO IS FLUCKING GLOWING HERE!?” Weiss shouted out, waving her arms around wildly. “Yang, what did you do!?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Yang tried to defend herself. “All I did was ask the… lap… top…” Yang trailed off before looking at her little sister. “Ruby… you can’t be… how the fuck are you Duster!?”

“Who’s Duster?” Ruby asked. “Wait, do you mean that lady from before!? Hey, I may be awesome but I’m not that awesome. Plus, I fought her with you guys, remember!?”

“But that doesn’t make sense!” Yang said as she looked at the question on the computer screen. “This laptop can literally break reality, so it really shouldn’t lie and like Hell it’s gonna be fucking wrong.”

“…What about time travel or an alternate dimension?” Weiss pointed out. “This laptop bends space and time. Who says we have the only one, or if we don’t use it later for other reasons. It may not be the Ruby we see right now, but a different Ruby from another place and era.”

“But why would Ruby, any Ruby, beat us up for little to no reason?” Blake wondered out loud. “She was actively hostile, though she did give us that Bullhead.”

“Which we promptly crashed.” Yang added in.

“This all doesn’t make a lick of sense.” Blake said as she shook her head. “For all we know, we’re just pawns in some complicated conspiracy.”

“We’re watching a show!” Yang exclaimed. “How does watching dudes in armour shoot each other have to do with taking over the world!?”

“I’m not saying it’s about taking over the world, but…” Blake muttered. “We can say for sure there’s something out there, someone out there doing _something_. I just don’t know what it is…”

“Well, there’s no point in worrying about it now.” Weiss said with a sigh.

“Yeah, we’ll get to it when it becomes a problem.” Blake said with a sigh. “And hurry up and delete the question, Yang! That glowing probably isn’t healthy.”

“I think I taste purple now…” Ruby admitted before Yang quickly deleted the line, ceasing Ruby’s glow. “Thanks. Let’s just go watch Red vs. Blue because holy hell it feels like it was ages.”

“It was a minute ago.” Blake deadpanned. Ruby just ignored her, grabbed the remote and pressed play/

**(Planning the Heist)**

_The Mother of Invention is seen hovering in space._

“And back to the Freelancer segments.” Weiss muttered. “What sort of dastardly deed does the Director has for his Freelancers to do?”

“Could be anything, but this is still way before the fragmentation of Alpha Church.” Blake said. “From the looks of it so far, they don’t need A.I. yet.”

“But they will.” Ruby said with a wince. “Soon.”

_Cut to debriefing room, where the Director is standing alone._

**Alpha:** (Voice) Okay! Well, I just ran everything again. All calculations are up to date, taking into account standard delays for communication and response time. Our window looks good!

“Speak of the Devil…” Yang chuckled out sadly. “Church before being broken… Kinda nice to hear…”

“You know, it’s gonna take some getting used to Church sounding happy… or smart… or not miserable.” Ruby admitted.

 **Director:**  I agree.

 **Alpha:**  Well, you should... I'm sure you'd make the same calculations I did. Just, you know... more slowly.

“Dude, you’re an A.I. based off the guy.” Blake deadpanned. “I’m sure any program can calculate anything faster than a human.”

 **Director:**  Arrogance is a rather unbecoming trait, Alpha.

“Oh look who’s talking?” Weiss grumbled before feeling her teammates’ gaze falling upon her. “…What?”

“…You know, we’ve been making fun of you for being Church for weeks now, not really taking it seriously. Even after your whole emotional breakdown near the end of Revelation, it was all in good fun.” Ruby explained slowly.

“And we love you Weiss, and you are a beautiful person with an equally… okay, admittingly slightly lesser personality.” Blake spoke up.

“Where are you going with-“ Weiss started before pausing as she realized what her partner was implying. “Oh, fuck you all!”

“Sure, Weiss Castle.” Yang punned. This time, Blake and Ruby actually giggled while Weiss just cursed to herself.

 **Alpha:**  Are  _you_... seriously giving  _me_  a lecture on arrogance right now? Pfft!

Ruby snorted. “The Director’s basically lecturing himself.” Ruby chuckled out.

“I’m just here wondering why the fuck Church doesn’t have a southern accent.” Yang said.

 **Alpha:** Heads up, you've got a visitor.

_Carolina appears behind the Director._

**Carolina:**  Director?

“Hey Two A.I. Brain Got Fried And Then She Died Carolina.” Blake said with a wave.

“I am actually really proud we came up with that.” Weiss admitted. “…Oh, I feel ashamed.”

 **Director:**   _(quietly to Alpha)_  Log off.

 **Alpha:**  Yeah, yeah. Way ahead of ya, bud.

“So, how long do you think until the Alpha gets… fragmented?” Yang asked with a wince.

“Well, if it’s not this season, maybe next season.” Weiss said. “It’s just that I’m not looking forward to it.”

 **Director:**   _(turns around)_  Yes, Agent Carolina?

 **Carolina:**  The team is ready, sir.

 **Director:**  Excellent. Let us begin.

_Approaches holographic screen where several Freelancers and soldiers are waiting._

“This looks like it’s gonna be pretty big if everyone’s joining in.” Ruby said.

“Except this isn’t everyone.” Blake pointed out. “There’s like a couple dozen other Freelancers. The people here are the best of the best.”

“But that’s just on the leaderboard.” Yang spoke up. “Plus, I’ve seen C.T.’s name on it.”

“She isn’t competing.” Weiss said. “Remember, C.T. doesn’t like the Director. She knows that whatever he’s doing won’t be beneficial to them. Plus, the leaderboard is arbitrary. There’s no point to it. It’s just stupid.”

“And who’s the blue guy?” Ruby wondered out loud. “Never seen him before.”

 **Director:**  Agents! Your mission today is by far the most important you have undertaken to date. As our Number One, Carolina will be leading from the field.

_Carolina takes her position at the front of the screen. She presses a few buttons that activates a holographic sphere onto the screen._

**Carolina:**  Okay, here's what we have. As you may have heard, there is suspected Insurrection activity in this area.

_Fade to six people in ODST helmets walking in formation down a highway._

“That’s slightly menacing.” Blake admitted. “Overdramatic, but menacing.”

 **Carolina:**  Our Intel says that members of the UNSC loyal to the Insurrection have acquired a high-level asset and are holding it in this secure location.

_Holograms form into buildings, the tallest one in the center. The actual buildings are seen afterward._

“Ugh… civilians are gonna get involved.” Ruby said with a wince. “I just know it.”

“And I’m guessing the Director isn’t too concerned with civilian casualties.” Yang said.

“The only casualty the Director is concerned with is Tex.” Weiss muttered quietly.

 **Carolina:**  It's a hundred and ten-story building in the middle of an urban environment.

 **Wyoming:**  What does security look like?

 **Carolina:**  They have enough troops to fill a hundred and ten story building.

“So they’re sending, what, six people against an army?” Yang asked incredulously. “I know Freelancers are badass but isn’t that little too much?”

“Smaller groups are harder to track down if you’re against overwhelming odds.” Blake said. “So, this is probably going to be a stealth mission more than anything. If they’re caught, it will not end well.”

 **Wyoming:**  So, that's a lot of security.

 **Carolina:**  We're up to it.

“Six versus a million. Sure, that’s a fair fight.” Weiss said sarcastically.

_A red line cuts through the tallest building and forms a dot at a specific point inside. Maine, Washington, and Carolina are seen taking positions inside the building. An Insurrectionist guard screams as he is smashed down into an abyss by Carolina._

“Oh, he is not gonna hit the ground any time soon.”  Ruby said with a wince. “Wanna take bets on how long until he does?”

“Ruby!” Weiss and Blake yelled out.

“I call a minute!” Yang called out at the same time, which caused the Checkmate pair to sigh.

 **Carolina:**  Our job is to infiltrate the building, work our way up to the floor where the Sarcophagus is being held, and secure it.

“Uh… wouldn’t it be easier to go from the top floor and work their way down?” Ruby pointed out.

“They probably have the rooftop secured to all Hell. It’s better if they just fight from the bottom to the top.” Blake replied. “Though, I’m wondering what is this Sarcophagus Carolina mentioned.”

“Or the rooftop’s just locked.” Ruby said.

“Please don’t tell me it’s some mummy or something…” Yang groaned out. “At least let it be a portable weapon of mass destruction.”

 **North Dakota:**  The Sarcophagus?

 **Director:**  That is what we are calling the primary objective.

“But why that out of all things…” Weiss mumbled under her breath. There had to be a reason.

 **Carolina:**  But since this is a high-level asset, we need to access a key code to open the Sarcophagus.

 **Washington:**  I'm guessing they don't keep that just taped to the side.

“So, one team retrieves the objective while the other gets the key code.” Ruby said.

“Now it’s three people against a million.” Weiss said as she rolled her eyes. “That’ll even the odds.”

“It’s gonna be Maine, Wash and Carolina from what we saw before. And they are not easy to kill.” Blake said.

“Apart from drowning in the freezing ocean and getting their brain fried by two A.I.” Yang quickly added in.

_Fade to an Insurrection soldier handing a briefcase to an Insurrectionist official._

**Carolina:**  It's held by an official of the program who will be moving in a vehicle along the freeway between inspections. That's when we'll hit the facility.

_Holograms display a freeway and several moving vehicles. One of them flashes red and stops in the middle, and an image of the official's face appears above it._

**Carolina:**  We need to acquire targets within minutes of each other. We fail that, the remaining target will enter lockdown and we miss our window.

“This isn’t gonna be easy to time.” Blake said before grimacing. “Plus, one team’s gonna be in a highway which means…”

“More potential civilian casualties.” Yang groaned out. “How many innocents did Freelancer destroy?”

“Yang, we don’t even know the Insurrection people are really bad guys yet.” Ruby pointed out. “They’re assholes but we still don’t know. This is from the perspective of Project Freelancer. For all we know, they’re bodyguards for something that could help humanity. But for some reason… I can’t help but root for them either way.”

“Because we got to know them.” Weiss explained. “They’re likable. If we were watching the Insurrection, we’d probably root from them too, despite what they do. Protagonist Centered Morality.”

“Just like the Reds and Blues.” Ruby said as she leaned back and crossed her arms.

 **Director:**  We will  _not_  have another chance at this.

“So in layman terms, screwed.” Yang stated.

 **Washington:**  So that means two teams.

 **Carolina:**  Two teams. Team A will consist of me, Wash, and Maine. We will work infiltration on the Package's storage facility. York is still in the infirmary, so Wash, you will have to pull off picking duty.

“Uh… bright blue, white and steel grey aren’t exactly stealthy colours…” Blake said. “I mean, Carolina has her camouflage but that’s just no excuse for having a seven foot mass of anger and murder on the infiltration team. It’d probably be best if Maine was on the freeway team.”

 **Washington:**  Um... okay. Guess I'll re-read my field manual on the transport.

“And I’m sure that won’t inspire confidence in anyone.” Weiss said.

_The door slides open and York enters._

**York:**  Hey, don't be so quick to give away my job.

“York!” The girl called out happily.

“You know, with losing an eye you’d think he would need some time to get used to it.” Ruby said, not noticing Yang wincing and rubbing her arm.

“Y-Yeah… right…” Yang mumbled out.

 **Washington:**  York?

 **Carolina:**  I thought you were in the hospital.

 **York:**  According to their records, I am.

“Uh… I’m happy York kinda recovered but he isn’t at a hundred percent yet.” Blake said. “It’s probably gonna affect him, especially if things go south.”

“Then it better not go south.” Weiss said.

 **Carolina:**  How's your eye?

 **York:**  It's okay. Docs will let me out tomorrow.

 **Washington:**  Tomorrow, huh?

“Meh, getting out a day earlier won’t kill anyone.” Ruby said with a shrug.

“But it is gonna kill him eventually…” Yang sighed sadly.

_York walks towards the Hologram table._

**York:**  Look, I couldn't let you guys have all the fun without me. Besides, you need someone to get you in.

 **Washington:**   _(to Carolina)_  Listen, I'm happy to see him too, but this mission... I don't know...

 **Carolina:**  Hey, if York says he's good, then he's good.

“That’s a lot of trust on a still recovering person with a disability.” Weiss admitted.

“Just goes to show how much she trusts her team.” Blake said.

 **Washington:**  It's your call, boss.

_Carolina approaches York._

**Carolina:**   _(quietly)_  You're good, right?

 **York:**  Okay, look, I said I was  _okay._  Good might be oversettling it a little—

This caused the RWBYs to wince. “This is not gonna go well. I can tell.” Yang said.

“If I know this show, it’s gonna end in an action sequence.” Weiss said with a sigh. “Oh, there is totally gonna be a high body count.”

 **Director:**  It's settled, then. York will join Team A and get them in the facility.

 **York:**  Thank you, sir.

“Just don’t screw it up.” Ruby said as she impatiently tapped her foot on the ground.

 **Carolina:**  Transport will be two lightly-equipped Pelican dropships.

 **Four-Seven Niner:**  We're rigged for fast running only, people. No heavy armaments.

“I think Maine counts as heavy armaments.” Blake joked. “But seriously though, out of all people to be infiltration…”

 **Carolina:**  Team B will be North, Wyoming, and C.T. You will act as recon for Team A, and once we enter the building, you will disengage to attack the target on the freeway. North will lead Team B.

 **North Dakota:**  Got it.

“Uh… what about the Mystery Blue Guy?” Yang asked.

“I think he’s just happy to be there.” Weiss guessed.

 **Connecticut:**  What about Agent South?

 **Director:**  Agent South will not be accompanying you on this mission.

_South watches the Freelancer teams board the Pelican. North hesitates for a moment but follows the others wordlessly. South turns and leaves the docking bay._

“Can’t really blame that decision.” Blake admitted. “She’s too reckless for infiltration or helping the highway team. It would be for the best if this mission has to go off without a hitch.”

 **C.T.:**  Hmm, guess the world's a tough place when you move down a rank. And where's our new recruit? Will she be joining us?

 **Director:**  That's enough questions, Connecticut.

 **C.T.:**   _(quietly, to Washington)_  Notice he didn't say no...

“Oh, I’m betting Tex is gonna show up.” Ruby said, hoping for more god-like action from the agent.

 **Carolina:**  Team B should be simple. Stop the vehicle and grab the case. Team A? You have more of a challenge. Mainly if the Sarcophagus is an unknown.

“Wait, unknown?” Yang spoke up. “As in, they don’t know what the fuck it is?”

“I’m guessing it’s like a box or container of some sort just by going off the name.” Blake muttered. “But it could be anything. Seriously, you’d think Freelancer Intelligence would be on top of it.”

 **Washington:**  How unknown are we talking?

 **Carolina:**  Unknown in that we don't know its size, or its weight, or its dimensions.

“You mean it could be 4th dimensional object!?” Ruby gasped. “How awesome is this world!? Time travel, teleportation, air conditioned helmets…” The others leaned away as they saw their leader drool as her mind drifted off into space.

“Uh… she does know that’s not what they mean by dimensions.” Weiss said awkwardly.

“Let her believe Weiss. Let her believe.” Yang said… before slapping Ruby when she started frothing in the mouth.

 **Carolina:** We just know it will have these markings somewhere on the exterior.

_Carolina presses a few buttons and a large red insignia appears above the screen._

“Huh?” Weiss said as she studied the symbol. “I… I think I know that symbol.”

“Hm? Wait, you know what it is then?” Blake asked.

“Yeah but…” Weiss replied before rubbing her forehead. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it. I don’t remember what it’s supposed to be. But I swear, I’ve seen it before…”

 **North Dakota:**  I saw those same markings on the oil platform.

 **Director:**  Correct. That facility created the primary objective.

“Maybe that’s where you got it from, Weiss.” Ruby guessed.

“No!” Weiss exclaimed. “It’s… different but… I don’t remember what it is…”

 **Washington:**  Do we know what's inside it?

 **Director:**  Yes, we know.

“Then tell them.” Blake said. “If it’s so important for the Project, at the very least tell them what it is before it… eats someone.”

“But we all know how the Director likes keeping his agents in the dark.” Yang grumbled.

 **C.T.:**  How do we know what's in it, but not how big it is?

_The Director turns to C.T. silently._

“Um… you’re kinda pushing it C.T.” Ruby said. “Maybe you should shut up now.”

 **C.T.:**  Sorry, sir.

 **Carolina:**  We have a job to do, people. Let's do it right and come home safe.

“Even though he’s fully prepared to utterly destroy their lives.” Weiss said.

 **Director:**  That is all. You are dismissed!

_Everyone in the room stands to attention._

**All:**  Yes, sir!

_Cut to space, where the Mother of Invention opens its docking bay and releases two Pelicans from its clamps. The Pelicans activate their thrusters and fly towards the Earth's surface._

“Well, that wasn’t anything interesting honestly. No action, no comedy, maybe a little drama but that’s about it.” Ruby admitted. “It was just preparing for the next Freelancer.”

“Still, I’m just wondering where I saw that symbol before.” Weiss said, trying to search her memories. “I swear, I knew what it meant.”

“We’ll find out soon enough. But let’s keep watching.” Blake said as she picked up the remote and pressed play.

**(Son of a Bitch)**

_Fade in to Blood Gulch with the Blue team debating over which Red to kill. An earthquake briefly occurs._

**Tex:**  Ok, pick one.

“Well, even though they’re not the real Reds, I really don’t want any of the Reds to-“ Weiss started before everyone started calling out names.

“SARGE!” Ruby yelled out.

“Grif! He makes me ashamed to wear orange!” Yang called out.

“Donut! So the bullet can be wasted!” Blake stated. Weiss just sighed before adding in her pick.

“I’m going with Yang! Shoot Grif in his Grifballs!” Weiss ordered.

 **Church:**  Anyone?

 **Tex:** Well, preferably one on that side of the canyon. But uh, I'm not all that choosy.

“I take it back, shoot Tucker in the balls!” Weiss called out. “Make sure he doesn’t spawn anything else!”

‘ _Except Junior_!’ Noire in Blake’s head added in before resuming her absurdly long masturbation session.

 **Tucker:**  Why are you looking at me when you say that?

“Well, if anyone has to get shot…” Yang mumbled out.

 **Tex:**  No reason... just pick one and take the shot. I'll cover you if they attack.

 **Church:**  You mean, shoot them with this?

_Church raises his sniper rifle._

“What did she just say?” Ruby asked. “She just asked Church to use his sniper rifle. To kill someone. _Church_.” Ruby then snorted before laughing, falling off her seat in the process. “HAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD! I CAN’T BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHA!”

 **Tex:**  What else?

 **Tucker:** Heheh, he's really not that great with that thing.

“Understatement of the millennium.” Weiss deadpanned, ignoring Ruby’s choking noises.

 **Tex:**  Give me a break. You're a soldier.

“No, Simulation Trooper.” Blake corrected as Yang tried to revive Ruby, who had passed out from laughing too hard.

 **Church:**  Yeah well that's debatable.

 **Tex:**  Hit the rock over there.

“She said to hit something!” Ruby wheezed out breathlessly before passing out again.

“WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME!?” Yang yelled out as she tried to get Ruby to breathe again. Weiss and Blake were too invested in the episode to pay attention.

 **Church:** Okay.

_Church takes two shots at a rock with the sniper rifle, but misses both shots._

“As expected…” Weiss said with a sigh while pinching the bridge of her nose while ignoring Yang, who was actually crying hysterically when Ruby wasn’t waking up.

 **Tex:**   _Ugh..._

 **Church:**  Ya see, I think the uh… the sun reflected off the rockface there and…

“Stop making excuses, Church!” Blake exclaimed. “You fucking suck!”

“What did I miss?” Ruby asked as she got back on her seat.

“Er… nothing…” Yang replied with an unnatural smile on her face as she quickly closed the laptop.

 **Tex:** Just gimme the damn rifle.

 **Church:**  Yeah okay. Thanks.

“You know that saying? ‘You miss 100% of shots you don’t take’? I think Church is proving that to be wrong.” Ruby said.

_Cut to Donut and Lopez, the latter of which is still maroon._

“Really should’ve spent more time on the paintjob, Lopez.” Yang muttered.

“The Reds should’ve spent more time learning fucking Spanish…” Blake grumbled to herself.

“I think the Reds should’ve spent more time not being a dick to Simmons.” Weiss said. “Then again, Simmons should’ve spent more time not being Simmons.”

 **Donut:**  Hey Simmons, did you hear that?

 **Lopez:** Sí. Sonó como un rifle. [Yes. It sounded like a rifle.]

 **Donut:**  I'm sure it's nothing.

“Like the space between your head.” Blake added in.

 **Lopez:**  ¿Por qué dices eso? Ésta es una zona de guerra. [Why would you say that? This is a war zone.]

“Meh, I’m sure the guns are usually pointed at teammates than at enemies.” Ruby said with shrug. “Not that big of a deal.”

 **Donut:**  Good point Simmons. Back to work!

_Cut back to Blue team where Tex now has the sniper rifle_

**Tucker:**  Dude, this has to be embarrassing for you.

“I think the word you’re looking for is emasculating.” Yang spoke up. “…For all of you. Except Caboose, I think he’s manlier than any of you.”

 **Church:** I don't really want to talk about it.

 **Tex:** Alright come on, it's not that hard. Which one should we take out? The pink one, the orange one…

 **Caboose:**  Pretty sure he's yellow.

“Well, he is kind of a coward…” Weiss said off-handedly… before shuddering as she turned to see Yang’s eyes were _on fire_ as she raised her fist, which was also on fire. “I-I-I mean in back in the Blood Gulch Chronicles! I don’t mean yellow means cowardice! It means fear, which is the only thing I want to feel right now and OH GOD! YANG!”

**_PUNCH! BANG!_ **

**_THUD!_ **

“ _WHAT THE FUCK, XIAO LONG!?_ ”

“OH SHIT, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT! OH SHIT! FUCKING SHIT!”

“OH FUCK! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? HOLY FUCK SHE’S-”

“YANG, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

“Uh…” Yang got out before reaching for the laptop.

After the previous ten seconds was erased, from both time and their memories, they continued the episode.

 **Tex:**  Is it me, or does he seem a little slow?

 **Tucker:**  Yeah, Caboose was held back a grade. Or two.

“Seven. Ten.” Ruby said. “Probably never graduated from any level of education.”

 **Tex:**  I meant the orange one.

“Uh… I’ve seen fat people walk and even they don’t walk as slow as Grif.” Blake said.

“Eh, any faster and he’d have a heart attack.” Yang joked.

 **Tucker:** Ohohoh, yeah he's just fat.

 **Tex:**  What about the red one? I mean, he's the leader, he seems tough. Or maybe the maroon one? He looks like he's up to something.

“Oh… I can see where this is going…” Weiss groaned out.

 **Church:** Yeah, I don't know? I can't really decide which one. Maybe we should put it to a vote.

 **Tex:** You know what, screw it! The maroon one is closest, we'll just shoot him.

_Tex shoots Lopez in the head with the sniper rifle, disassembling his entire body._

“We are so lucky Lopez’s a robot…” Ruby sighed out, wishing it was Sarge.

“Boom, headshot.” Weiss said in her deepest voice.

“That… was kinda brutal.” Blake admitted.

“You said it Pussy Cat.” Yang said with a nod.

 **Lopez:**  ¡AY!

 **Church:** Uggh. Nice shot.

 **Tex:** Thanks.

“He was being sarcastic.” Weiss deadpanned.

“When has Church ever not been sarcastic when complimenting someone?” Yang pointed out. The RWBYs honestly tried to think of one before giving up.

_Cut over to Lopez, who is now a disembodied head._

“You know, it’s a fucking wonder how Lopez keeps ending up as a head.” Blake said with a sigh.

 **Lopez:**  Mierda. [Shit.]

_The camera has a broader view now, showing Lopez's scattered parts, with Donut standing over them._

**Donut:**  Oh my God! Simmons! How did this happen?

“Sarge did not build Lopez that well, huh…” Ruby muttered out as she shook her head.

_Cut back to Blue Team_

**Tucker:** Wow. That was pretty fuckin' brutal.

 **Caboose:**  Andersmith. I kept my promise. You have been avenged.

“You didn’t do anything!” Yang called out. “Even if there was an Andersmith.”

“Which there wasn’t.” Blake spoke up. “There’s not even a war.”

 **Tex:**  You know what, let me shoot another one. I think you guys could use the advantage.

“Uh… they’ll never attack each other.” Weiss stated. “Mostly out of laziness.”

 **Church:** Umm… are ya- are you sure?

_Cut over to Donut, who is still grieving over "Simmons"._

**Donut:** There was so much we had left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes, and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could have talked, you coulda told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOHOHOOO!

“…I don’t think they need the numbers advantage.” Ruby stated as the girls leaned back while Donut wailed.

“I don’t think they need _any_ advantage.” Weiss said.

“That… I… Wha…” Yang tried to say anything but was honestly at a loss for words.

“Again. Brutal.” Blake said with a sigh.

_The camera is back in focus of the Blue Team. In the background, you can hear Donut wailing._

**Tex:** Eh, maybe I'll let that one live. Might demoralize the rest of 'em.

“It’s demoralizing us right now!” Ruby exclaimed.

 **Tucker:** Good idea.

 **Tex:** C'mon, let's pack it in.

 **Tucker:**  Does anybody else feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?

“Unless you get off to brutal murder.” Weiss muttered before looking at Yang.

“Why are you lookin’ at me?” Yang questioned.

_The story switches over to the Freelancer backstory where two pelicans encroach upon a city. The pelican in the background powers down its engines._

**North Dakota:** Team A, you look clear. Window is open. Start your clocks. On my mark. Mark.

 **Carolina:** Sync. Roger that. Team A is moving.

“Alright, let the heist begin.” Blake said. “Let’s hope it’s gonna be as easy as robbing a convenience store.”

“Hey, wasn’t there a bunch of robbers who robbed convenience stores and failed most of the time. Hard.” Yang spoke up.

“Oh yeah, I remember them.” Ruby said before mumbling to herself. “Those people stole a fucking fighter jet…”

“Oh. _Them_.” Weiss growled out. “They stole a port-a-potty full of rare Dust crystals two years ago!”

“I think did everything from a prison break to assassination… except rob a convenience store successfully. Hell, they even robbed several banks.” Blake said with a wince. “Okay, maybe the convenience store analogy was a bad choice…”

_Team A's pelican moves out._

**North:** Copy that Carolina. Good luck Team A.

 **Carolina:** Thanks. We won't need it.

“Yes you will.” The RWBYs deadpanned in unison.

_Cut to the inside of Team B's pelican._

**North:** Alright Bravo, let’s move out. We have 3 minutes until first alert. Let’s have our target in hand by 2.

“Be better if they get the guy by one.” Blake muttered.

_Team A enters the building. Washington and Maine are on look out._

**Carolina:** We're in. York, get up here. How long to crack that lock?

 **York:** Should take about 60 seconds. You can give me 15.

“Overconfidence is a detrimental trait, you know.” Yang said.

“Oh, you’re one to talk.” Weiss mumbled under her breath.

_The camera zooms in on the lock._

**York:** Wow, it's a holographic. That's high-end.

“Looks… overcomplicated.” Ruby admitted.

 **Carolina:** Can you get through it?

“Well, if it necessitates visual information to pick this type of lock, maybe having the guy without depth perception pick it is a bad idea.” Blake pointed out.

“Eh, you don’t need everything when you’re a master at it.” Yang said.

 **York:** Of course I can. You didn't bring me along for my good looks, did you? Whoever designed this is a genius.

_An alarm sounds._

“You were saying?” Weiss deadpanned at the Blonde Brawler.

 **Carolina:** You were saying?

“Jinx!” Ruby called out as Weiss groaned.

“Eh, don’t worry, Weissicles, at least aren’t being compared to Carolina.” Yang said as she patted the Heiress’ back.

 **York:** Ok, I take it back; whoever designed this is an asshole.

“That’s one everyone says when they meet someone better than them.” Blake said with an eye roll.

 **York:** There.

_York successfully picks the lock, opening the doors to the Vault._

**York:** Everybody in.

“Would’ve been nice without every guard in the building being alerted.” Ruby said.

 **Carolina:** Thanks York, but do something about that alarm system. We don't need any more surprises.

 **York:** Does saying sorry count as something?

_Carolina just looks at York._

“I can just feel the glare coming under her helmet.” Weiss said. “Now hurry up and hijack the alarm system!”

 **York:** Hmm. Guess not.

 **Carolina:** We'll secure the package. Set some trackers, then find us a way out of this.

_Carolina, Washington, and Maine enter the Vault._

“Alright, they’re in but there’s bound to be someone after them thanks to the alarm…” Blake muttered.

 **York:** Moving.

_York leaves. Cut to another part of the building, where two Insurrectionists are seen inside._

**Insurrection soldier:**  What the-?

“Yeah, there’s gonna be trouble.” Ruby said.

 **Demo Man:**  Looks like we got an alert on Sector 7. That's the Vault. Take a team up there now.

_Cut back to Blood Gulch. Sarge, Grif, and Donut are standing over the remains of Lopez._

**Grif:** Simmons is... dead?

“Does anyone not notice the wires and shit that shouldn’t be in a human body!?” Yang exclaimed. “I mean, sure, the real Simmons is a cyborg but it’s clear Epsilon-Simmons isn’t!”

“How do you know?” Weiss questioned. “For all we know, Church thought Simmons was always a cyborg.”

“Girls, the Reds are idiots, inside and outside the Epsilon Unit.” Blake stated. “So it’s safe to say that they wouldn’t even notice if Donut was replaced. Probably less innuendos but I’m pretty sure they’ll celebrate that.”

 **Donut:** I can't believe he's gone.

 **Sarge:**  Well, you know what they say in a time like this. He may be dead, but he's never truly gone. Until we get rid of all his gross body parts. Grif, go fetch a garbage pail.

“So I’m betting Command doesn’t even provide body bags…” Ruby grumbled under her breath.

“Would explain why they buried Alpha-Church and Tex’s bodies.” Weiss said. “At very least, they should have an incinerator.”

 **Grif:** Sarge, I'm grieving here, can't making up excuses to avoid work wait till later?

“That… sounds like an excuse.” Blake said as she scratched the back of her neck. “But damn, not even the supposed death of his best friend would make him get off his ass.”

“Well, it’s more like least hated person on Red Team and an always available scapegoat more than anything else.” Yang corrected.

 **Sarge:** You're right Grif. I suppose someone should say a few words. Anybody? C'mon who knew him best? Donut?

“Uh… I don’t think so.” Weiss admitted. “If else, Simmons knows Donut more than himself with the mouth he has.”

 **Donut:** Um, I think he said he liked gum once. I don't know; that's kind of all I got.

 **Sarge:** How about you, Grif?

 **Grif:** Me? Why me?

“You guys fought like old married couples! If that doesn’t show friendship, then my name isn’t Ruby Fucking Rose!” Ruby called out.

“Why was mum drunk when she signed Ruby’s birth certificate…?” Yang mumbled under her breath.

 **Donut:** C'mon, “Grif & Simmons”. You guys were inseparable! Surely you guys must have gotten to know each other over the years.

“They talked and argued about nothing. I’m sure that constitutes friendship.” Blake said.

 **Grif:** Yeah, I don't know. He would talk a lot and I'd lose interest immediately. And then he would ask me a question and I would just go "Huh? What? Oh yeah, sure Simmons. Whatever you say." It wasn't a perfect system, but it was ours.

“You also occasionally question life’s greatest mysteries.” Weiss spoke up.

 **Sarge:** But he always stayed by your side. Isn't there anything you remember him telling you?

“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?” The RWBYs deadpanned in unison.

 **Grif:** Huh? Oh uh, yeah Sarge.  _(mumbles)_  whatever...

 **Donut:** What about you sir? Simmons always loved helping you.

 **Sarge:** He did have a knack for following orders.

“Because he has deep mental issues mostly coming from his father and his unwillingness to embrace who Simmons is.” Blake stated.

_Simmons appears behind Sarge._

“Oh hey, Simmons is free.” Ruby said in a dull tone. “Yay.”

 **Sarge:**  Sometimes I'd, make things up, just to keep him off my back. One time I told him to disassemble the jeep, and rebuild it, just to keep him busy. Heh heh heh... I'll miss doing that.

“Well… at least he’s…” Yang tried to say something positive before sighing. “No, there’s no bright side. Simmons is basically a butler. Or a dog. A really annoying dog.”

 **Simmons:** Guys, guys, I'm free! Oh, wow, you already killed Lopez. Awesome.

“So, he’s just gonna ignore all that shit Sarge just said about fucking with him and wasting his time, right?” Weiss said. “Because I would be choking them at that point.”

 **Sarge:** Can it Simmons, we're trying to give your eulogy!

 **Simmons:** But I'm not dead, I'm- wait, you guys are talking about me? _In a good way_? Oh never mind, go ahead. Please, continue.

“Oh… this is gonna be a shit show…” Yang groaned out.

 **Sarge:** Gentlemen, we are here to pay our last respects to Simmons.

“And also your first respects!” Ruby called out. “Assholes!”

 **Sarge:** He died so suddenly, and so violently.

“And certainly not heroically.” Weiss added in.

 **Simmons:** Oh man, this is the best day ever.

“And… cue the insult to his memory.” Blake said.

 **Sarge:** Simmons wore maroon armor, he talked a lot and did some work. Also, he liked gum... The End.

 **Simmons:** What?! That's it?! That's my funeral?!

“I’m pretty sure Church got a more respectful funeral.” Ruby said. “At least the Blues buried him.”

“Like, three weeks after he died.” Blake pointed out. “And even then they weren’t… okay at it.”

“You know what, let’s just agree that no matter what, every BGC funeral either insults the dearly departed or is half-assed.” Weiss said.

“I don’t even think it’s half-assed.” Yang spoke up. “It’s more like… quarter-assed? Fifth-assed? Uh… no-assed? Whatever, there little to no ass to be found in their funerals.”

“Can you stop talking about asses for a sec?” Blake groaned. “You’re just giving Noire more material.”

“Oh, shut up with your big sexy Bellabooty.” Yang grumbled.

“Fine…” Blake sighed out… before realizing what Yang just said. “Wait, what?”

 **Sarge:** Not quite. Let’s get that garbage pail.

 **Donut:** I remembered the gum thing.

 **Simmons:** I'd never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'.

“No… I’m pretty sure your life and death still suck the same amount.” Ruby muttered.

 **Grif:** I contributed to the "Talks a lot" part.

 **Simmons:** I don't talk a lot, I talk a regular amount. Do you really think I talk a lot?

“Yes. Yes you do.” Weiss said with a second thought.

 **Grif:** Huh? Oh yeah, sure Simmons. Whatever.

 **Simmons:** I hate you.

“Don’t worry Simmons, he hates you too.” Yang said with a friendly smile on her face.

 **Donut:** Oh man, I just realized! I could've made a flower arrangement for the funeral! Ah, there's just so few chances to do that around here.

 **Grif:** Don't worry Donut, I'm sure one of us will get killed again soon.

 **Donut:** Aw, you're just trying to make me feel better, and I love that about you.

“Because Grif obviously cares about Donut’s feelings and emotions.” Blake said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

“Anyway, last episode for the set before we take a break. I think after this is five more episodes for the season,” Yang said as she picked up the remote.

“Which means we’re on our last season.” Ruby informed her team.

“You know, I’m kinda gonna miss watching this series.” Blake admitted.

“Me too.” Weiss spoke up.

“Don’t worry. We still have another dozen seasons we can watch next summer.” Yang said as she patted her back. “Let’s do this!” She called out as she pressed play.

**(The Sarcophagus)**

_Maine, Carolina, and Washington enter the Vault, filled with Covenant weapons and Banshees._

Yang and Ruby started to drool at the sight of the all the alien technology in the Vault. “Purple… plane…” Was the only coherent thing Weiss and Blake could understand from Yang.

“I think I just wet my panties…” Ruby thought out loud, not realizing Weiss and Blake shift a few seats away from the sisters.

 **Carolina:** Alright everyone, spread out. What we need is here somewhere. It's probably something small, easy to miss. Take as many scans as possible, there may be other things we can use.

“May as well take some Covenant weapons too.” Weiss suggested. “This is place is loaded with alien stuff. Where the hell did they get all that?”

_Maine picks up a Brute Shot and growls. Washington walks up to Maine._

**Washington:** That's a good look.

“It is also gonna be the signature weapon of the scariest motherfucker you’ll ever meet.” Blake added in.

“But it does look good on him.” Weiss admitted.

_Cut to York on the radio talking to Carolina in a different room._

**York:** Carolina, Motion Trackers indicate you got an enemy team outside the door.

“They better work fast to find the damn thing…” Yang muttered.

_Cut back to Carolina in the other room with Washington and Maine._

**Carolina:** Well, let's hope they're not as good at picking locks as you are, York.

“If they are good as York, they’d set off their own alarm.” Weiss joked.

 **Carolina:** _(To Washington and Maine)_  Alright team, we're about to have company.

 **Washington:** Boss, I've got good news and bad news.

“That is never good news.” Ruby said.

“We know.” WBY said with a sigh, remembering all the times they’ve heard that phrase over the year.

 **Carolina:** Hit me.

 **Washington:** We found the markings we're looking for. The bad news is... They're on  _that._

 _Cut to a shot of a large container with the markings that were described in_   _Planning the Heist, revealing it to be the Sarcophagus._

“Small and easy to miss, huh…” Yang said in a mocking tone.

“That’s… a little bigger than expected.” Blake stated. “How the hell are they gonna move that?”

“I swear, I’ve seen those markings before this show…” Weiss mumbled to herself.

“Whatever’s in there… I’m sure it isn’t anything good.” Ruby said as they all leaned in.

**Carolina:** _That?_

**York:** _(over radio)_  Team A, I got us an exit up here. Straight up the stairwell, door to the roof, helipad.

“Uh… I hope there’s an elevator…” Yang said. “Because that is going to be hell to move.”

 **Carolina:** _(over radio)_ Copy, I'll radio air support.  _(to Washington and Maine)_  Now, how are we going to get that  _thing_  up to the roof?

_Maine shrugs his shoulders and growls._

**Carolina:** _(over radio)_ York, I saw a window-washer unit on our way into the facility, can you find where it attaches to the building?

“Um… I don’t think a window-washer platform can handle the weight of a big, probably-made-out-of-super-rock chest.” Weiss pointed out.

“Well, it’s better than nothing.” Ruby said with a shrug.

_Cut to York on the roof next to where the window-washer unit attaches to the building._

**York:** _(sarcastically)_  I don't know, that's a tough one, 'lemme see what I can do.

“Okay, York, you don’t have to be sarcastic.” Blake said with a small laugh.

_Cut back to the rest of Team A_

**Washington:** What are you up to?

 **Carolina:** Improvising. Come 'ere Maine.

“Why does Carolina so much like Ruby…?” Yang mumbled to herself.

“Because almost every leader of a team says stuff like this.” Weiss replied. Yang didn’t know if the Heiress was joking or not.

 **Washington:** Improvising? I hate it when we do that.

_Cut to the Insurrection Soldiers trying to weld through the door that leads into the Vault._

_“_ Improvise faster damn it!” Ruby shouted out before pausing to think about what she just said. “Actually, improvise slower damn it! I haven’t seen an action scene in months!”

“10 minutes ago.” Blake corrected in a deadpan tone.

“Well it feels like it!”

_Cut back to Team A, where Carolina pushes the Sarcophagus on a lift connected to the window-washer unit._

**Washington:** Better hurry!

 **Carolina:** Maine, it should work fine. You're the only one heavy enough to counter-balance this thing.

“I mean, I know Maine’s heavy with muscles and heavy armour but…” Yang started before pausing. “You know what; just push his fat ass out the building. He’ll live.”

 **Maine:** Too high.

 **Carolina:** Oh, don't be a baby.

“Say that to him when he’s hurtling off a cliff to the ocean.” Weiss said.

_Carolina kicks Maine out the window and shoots the wire holding up the window-washer platform._

“You know, it’s kinda funny see how little effort Carolina used to push Maine over somewhere high but when we get to the Reds and Blues, it took almost all of them to kill the Meta.” Yang chuckled out.

“Yeah, but in this case the pusher doesn’t want to kill him.” Blake pointed out.

“Uh… but… that’s still a lot of stories for someone to survive.” Ruby spoke up. “Not to mention the sudden stop, from either the pavement or the end of the cable.”

_Maine free-falls down the building, past two Insurrection Soldiers._

**Soldier #1:** Hey, did you hear that noise?

“Hey! It’s those rifle guys!” Ruby called out happily. “How the fuck did they survive the oil platform?”

“The rifle is magical.” Weiss joked. “The rifle is real. The rifle is God.”

“He shoves the barrel up his ass every night.” Blake said. “As an offering.”

“I… I have nothing to add here.” Yang spoke up.

 **Soldier #2:** Probably the sound of you being an idiot.

“I know that noise…” Weiss muttered to herself, hearing sounds of ‘Weiss! Look!’ and the sounds of a cookie being stuffed up one’s nose playing in her head.

 **Soldier #1:** Oh, you're probably right... dick-biscuit.

“I wonder what he means by dick-biscuit…” Ruby mumbled to herself before grabbing the laptop.

“Ruby, that’s obviously an in-“ Weiss started before her face went blank as phallic-shaped cookies rained from the ceiling, not even reacting to the few that broke on her head. “-sult.”

“Aw… it’s in my popcorn…” Yang whined before promptly eating both the dick cookies and popcorn.

“Well, I’ve been told to eat dick before…” Blake admitted before eating one herself. “Mmmm… oven-fresh.”

_Maine lands near the bottom of the tower and the Sarcophagus launches up to the roof where York is._

**York:** Package is here.

_Cut back to Maine at the bottom as he pulls out his newly acquired Brute Shot on some Insurrection Soldiers._

“Well, what a nice test for a new weapon.” Weiss said with a smirk.

“Oh-ho-ho-ho, they are _so_ fucked.” Yang laughed out.

 **Red Shirt #3:** Stop right there or we'll... shoot? We-we're gonna' need bigger hand-cuffs.

“I think you need bigger guns.” Blake said. “And maybe some new pants.”

“Maybe they should’ve brought diapers.” Ruby joked. “Take ‘em down, Maine!”

 **Red Shirt #3:** Is-is that a knife? Rifle? Kn-Knifle? Ah!

“But, it will never be better than my scyifle.” Ruby said as she hugged her weapon. “ _Never_.” She said in a threatening tone.

“You know, I almost feel bad for the people down there.” Weiss admitted.

“Really?” Yang asked, her eyebrow raised at the Heiress. “’Cause I don’t.”

“I said _almost_!” Weiss tried to defend herself.

“But thus is the life of a Red Shirt.” Blake spoke up. “Only to exist to be killed with little to no emotional attachment.”

_Cut back to Carolina and Washington._

**Carolina:** Well that oughta' buy us some time.

 **Washington:** I almost feel bad for the people down there.

“’Of all time’, almost feeling bad, your freakout. It’s like you’re every single person in the show wears cobalt armour, past, present or future!” Ruby chuckled out… right before a shiver went down her spine. “Higakergerk! **_Oh! I’m Ruby! I’m so awesome! I’m so special! My hobbies include eating junk food that are_ so _gonna go straight to my thighs when I’m older or boobs like my sister! I also fuck Crescent Rose while no one’s watching, and it doesn’t mean my teammates have to be out of the room! I will never live it down if someone were hear me say that! I also love to stuff cookie dough up my as-_** “

“GET OUT OF HER WEISS OR THE BODY GETS THE CABOOSE SPECIAL!” Yang yelled out as she held Weiss’ body over her head.

“Higakergerk!” Ruby got out before gasping for breath as Weiss returned to her body. “Holy _fuck_! That sucked!”

“Just don’t do it again!” Weiss called with an arrogant smirk on her face before timidly asking Yang. “Please put me down.”

She was “kindly” dropped to the ground afterwards before they continued watching.

 **Carolina:** Don't.

 **Washington:** What? I said "almost."

_The Insurrection soldiers weld through the door and bust it open._

“Calvary’s here!” Ruby called out.

_Wash and Carolina open fire and kill all of the soldiers…_

“Calvary’s dead!” Yang called out after.

_…Except for one, a large man with shark teeth painted on his helmet. Sharkface walks in dramatically, holding a flamethrower._

“And now what’s left of the Calvary has a flamethrower. Great.” Weiss said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Washington:** What the fuck is with this guy?

“Stop being dramatic and one of you start killing!” Blake shouted out.

_"This guy" fires his flamethrower and the two Freelancers dive for cover._

**Washington:**  Whoa, that's hot!

“I hope they have a fire extinguisher in there!” Ruby said, thoroughly pumped for the action scene.

_Washington & Carolina open fire at the soldier. The soldier, however, has bullet-proof armor and is unaffected by their gunfire and grenades._

“Finally! Someone who has armour that’s actually protecting them from bullets!” Weiss sighed out. “Though, I question why the Freelancers aren’t using the standard armour-piercing rounds and their armour should be fire-resistant enough to charge in but still…”

“Too bad the bad guy is wearing it.” Yang pointed out.

“From our perspective.” Blake reminded everyone.

_As he continues is attack, Wash throws a grenade toward him. Unfortunately, the soldier fires at the grenade, causing it to explode._

**Carolina:** I've got this.

_Suddenly, green sparks start coming out of the weapons in front of her._

“Situational awareness, Carolina!” Ruby said. “Rookie mistake!”

 **Carolina:** What the-? Ahh!

_The Covenant weapons overheat and explode, sending Carolina flying back. A fuel rod cannon lands in the middle of the floor in front of Wash. He dives for it and fires it at the soldier. However, the shot bounces off the floor and misses him._

“Ugh, never really liked the Fuel Rod Cannon.” Weiss said with a wince.

“Who thought it was good idea to make a gun that fires bouncy payloads…?” Yang muttered to herself.

 **Washington:**  What the hell? It bounces?! Who designs a gun that bounces?

“The same people who made a gun that fires purple homing crystal, a gun that shoots sticky grenades, sticky grenades that somehow don’t stick to the thrower’s hand as soon as it’s turned on, a gun that’s essentially an E.M.P.-“

“Emp!”

“Shut up. Essentially an E.M.P. gun, a gun that shoots spikes and all of those fun weapons run on AA batteries with a battery life of a peanut.” Blake stated.

“…Peanuts don’t have a-“

“I know what I said, and I’m sticking to it.” The local Faunus interrupted her leader.

 **Washington:** This is the worst gun ever...

“Now’s not the fucking time to do the ‘Of All Time’ joke _right front of the flamethrower guy_!” Weiss exclaimed.

“Cough. Mech pun. Cough.” Yang said in a flat tone.

 **Washington:** Of all-

_Carolina pushes him out of the way from the oncoming fire and they take cover._

**Carolina:** Stay low!

“Uh, I know Wash is more likable right now, but I have to say…” Ruby said slowly. “How the fuck is he still on the leaderboard?”

_Carolina runs across the room, hops over a table, runs up the side of the wall, and backflips, landing on a hanging "purple plane". She shoots Sharkface who, in return, burns the ship's cables. Carolina tosses a grenade into the cockpit and jumps off as the burning ship explodes and knocks the flame soldier over. As he gets up, Carolina hurls a Gravity Hammer at him, knocking him out._

“Oh! He is gonna feel that in morning!” Blake winced as at Carolina’s finisher.

“If at all.” Weiss added in.

 **Washington:**  That guy was a dick.

“Overly-dramatic, kinda awesome but overall a dick.” Yang said.

 **Carolina:**  Come on. Let's get moving, Wash!

 **Washington:**  That bit with the purple plane; that was just showing off.

“I think that entire fight was just Carolina showing off.” Ruby said.

“Well, she is Number One for a reason.” Weiss reminded her partner.

_They run away as a banshee falls from the ceiling behind them. They arrive at the roof where York is waiting._

**York:**  Come on, come on, hurry!

_York smashes the control panel to the door, closing it shut._

“Uh… wouldn’t it be smarter if the door unlocked if the control panel was smashed?” Blake pointed out.

“Okay, now you’re just over-thinking it.” Yang replied. “Suspension of disbelief.”

 **York:**  There, that oughta hold 'em for awhile.

_Soldiers immediately begin to weld through the door._

“Okay, next mission. Colourful Seven: Blockade that shit and bring barricades! Always effective!” Weiss called out. “Unless you’re Ash, or Thermite, or Fuze, or Glaz, or Mira, or _fucking Caveira **-**_ “

“Deep breaths Weiss, deep breaths…” Ruby said in a comforting tone as she patted Weiss on the back while she calmed herself down. “Who the fuck is Caveira…?”

 **York:**  Okay, maybe not. Hey, where's Maine?

 **Wash:** Downstairs, keeping our hosts occupied.

“They’re all most likely dead, by the way.” Yang said.

 **York:**  Man, I almost feel bad for them.

 **Wash:**  That's what I said!

“That’s what everyone’s been saying!” Ruby called out.

 **Carolina:**   _(over radio)_  Four-Seven Niner, this is Team Alpha! We need evac on the roof of the tower!

 **Four-Seven Niner:** _(over radio)_  Roger that, I'm on it.

 **York:**  Come on, it's up...

Suddenly, the RWBYs heard a familiar guitar chord. They weren’t surprised when they saw who York noticed.

 **York:** …Here.

 **Carolina:** You!

_Tex is seen on the rooftop, setting up an unknown device._

“Well, you sure showed up late.” Blake said as she crossed her arms. “And does she have there…?”

_Carolina confronts her._

**Carolina:**  What are you doing here? Is that a bomb?

“That looks way too small…” Weiss said as she narrowed her eyes. “It can’t be a bomb… And if it was, there must be a serious design flaw with this building…”

“Just what does the Director want her to do…?” Ruby wondered out loud.

 **Carolina:** I knew it. It was you who blew up the oil platform!

“Huh!?” the RWBYs exclaimed before Blake snapped her fingers.

“The blank spot on the roster. I remember that!” Blake said. “She must’ve set the bomb while the others were doing the mission.”

“Just like she’s doing right now.” Yang added in. “How long has she been doing that? Wait, how many places have they blown up so far?”

“Worse yet… how many innocent people have Freelancer killed?” Ruby questioned, not wanting to see the numbers. “How long has this gone on?”

“My guess… as soon as the Alpha was born.” Weiss stated. “She was just along for the ride.”

 **Wash:**  That thing blew up?

 **Carolina:**  Somebody's been covering our tracks. You're on the roster too, but they hid your name. Why did they send you?

“Well, she’s been working for Freelancer way before she was officially introduced to them, probably even before Carolina became Number One.” Blake guessed. “But it’s safe to say that Tex wasn’t a rookie when they met her.”

 **York:**  Hey, hate to bust up your reunion here, but we've got a problem!

_Insurrectionists bust open the door._

“Oh. Right. Those guys.” Ruby said, honestly forgetting about the Innies for a bit.

“Dead men running…” Yang mumbled to herself.

 **Demo Man:**  Let's go, go, go, now! Get into position! Completely surround them!

_Hornets and soldiers with jetpacks surround the area._

“That’s a lot of men…” Weiss said, staring in awe at how many soldiers and vehicles surrounding the Freelancers.

“Well, especially with Tex, they don’t stand a chance.” Blake said.

 **Demo Man:**  No one get behind me! Drop your weapons!  _(turns to York)_  You... dickhead, disarm the bomb!

 **York:** Easy, easy. No reason to get all dramatic! Okay, let me take a crack.

 **Demo Man:**  Just fuckin' do it already!

“You know he’s gonna set it off if you keep yelling at him.” Ruby said. “Quiet down.”

 **York:**  Easy, easy, man.  _(picks up the "bomb")_  Uh... this isn't a bomb. It's a transmitter.

“Uh… okay? Doesn’t explain how it’s gonna cover their tracks but…” Yang mumbled to herself.

 **Demo Man:**  Alright, it's not a bomb! Wait, a transmitter? What's it transmitting?

 **York:**  Our location.

 **Demo Man:**  Why would it do that?

“Well, let’s see.” Blake said as she started thinking. “A bomb would be much more effective if planted towards the bottom, and the only evidence of Freelancer involvement was just in one building. So, they would only need to destroy one building. But, Freelancer prides itself on precision and if other buildings were destroyed and the UNSC found out, it would be easier for the Director to explain himself since they only destroyed an Insurrection-controlled and not several other building probably containing civilians. And if we take into account-”

“Just keep watching.” Weiss interrupted as she pointed to the big screen.

_York looks up. Cut to the Mother of Invention in orbit._

“Oh fuck.” Blake swore as she stared at the screen.

“They’re… They’re gonna send backup, right?” Yang asked. She didn’t get an answer.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  System online, Director. Awaiting your command.

 **Counselor:**  If I may Director, I think it would be wise if we-

 **Director:**  Shut up, Counselor.

“Now is not the time for wise decisions.” Ruby said, imitating the Director’s accent.

 **Counselor:**  Of course, sir.

_Lasers home in on the transmitter._

“This is not gonna be pretty.” Weiss said.

“Pretty _awesome_ , but yeah not pretty.” Yang admitted.

 **Demo Man:**  What the hell? There were four of them here! What the fuck is going on?!

_Carolina deactivates her camouflage and beats the crap out of some soldiers. Tex uses her invisibility to also take out some soldiers._

**Demo Man:**  What did I say?! I said one thing! Keep them in front of me!

“Yeah, look behind you, jackass.” Weiss deadpanned.

 **York:**  Hey man, you mind holding this for me for a sec?

_York hands the transmitter to the Red Demo Man and runs off._

“Ha ha! Oldest trick in the book.” Ruby chuckled out.

 **Demo Man:**  Whaa...

 **York:** Thank you.

_A beeping is heard and the Red Demo Man looks up. Cut back to the Mother of Invention._

“Magnetic.” Ruby whispered out, remembering the name of the weapon from the Halo wiki.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  Target locked.

“Accelerator.” Weiss said, her body shivering at the word.

 **Director:**  Fire!

“Fucking.” Blake managed to get out as she awaited the unbelievable amount of destruction that was about to happen.

 **F.I.L.S.S.:**  Firing main cannon.

“Cannon!” Yang yelled out.

_The Director smirks as the "Mother of Invention" fires its MAC cannon. Redundancy~_

**Demo Man:**  Oh, son of a...

“BOOM!” The RWBYs called out.

_The building gets hit by the blast, causing the Freelancers and the Sarcophagus to all fly back from the explosion._

“Well… there goes the evidence…” Ruby said, still staring in awe.

“Son of a bitch…” Was the only thing Weiss managed to get out.

_The blast also creates a large gaping hole on the roof._

“Holy fucking shit…” Yang said in awe. “You’d think the entire building would be fucking disintegrated.”

“Well, like I said. Freelancer prides itself on precision.” Blake stated.

“Really? I wasn’t listening.” Yang said truthfully as Blake just sighed.

_Tex spots a Pelican in the sky. She grabs a jetpack from a dead soldier and uses it to kick the Sarcophagus off the building. She then flies off. York, Wash, & Carolina also see the Pelican hovering over them. The 3 begin to run towards the edge of the building as the hole crumbles down behind them._

**Carolina:**  This must be karma for kicking Maine out the window!

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s just the Director not caring about the lives of his agents.” Weiss said.

 **York:**  I don't wanna DO THIIIIIIISSS!!!

 **Washington:**  SON OF A BIIIIIIIITCH!!!

“I wish we went skydiving…” Ruby grumbled to herself.

“Off a building after an explosion which surely have caused billions of Lien in property damage?” Weiss questioned.

“Meh, either slash or.” Ruby replied off-handedly.

_Cue Falling Towards the Sky_

_The three jump off the building, with the Pelican rushing down behind them. The three Freelancers freefall down the building in diving position, avoiding oncoming debris and other falling soldiers._

“I am surprised there are survivors other than the Freelancers…” Blake said.

_Carolina reaches for the Sarcophagus and rides on it._

“Huh. Rap. Nice.” Yang complimented, already feeling pumped up from the song alone.

_Pilot Four-Seven Niner tries to get the Pelican in position with Carolina._

**Four-Seven Niner:**  Line it up! Come on! Come on! Stay on target!

“Wait, is she gonna… is she gonna try and get the Sarcophagus while it’s falling!?” Weiss exclaimed.

“Holy shit, no pilot would even attempt to do shit like that.” Yang said, amazed by Four-Seven Niner’s piloting skills.

“I guess that’s why she’s piloting the top of the leaderboard.” Ruby said as they continued watching.

_Four-Seven Niner opens the Pelican's back hatch and begins to slow it down. Suddenly, two Hornets appear and begin to fire at them. Carolina hops off the Sarcophagus and Washington takes her place on it. He fires his rifle at a Hornet and manages to take it down in mid-air._

“Well, that was easy.” Blake said.

“Wash may be near the bottom of the leaderboard but holy shit.” Weiss said in awe. “The amount of compensation, from bullet drop to timing, just to down that Hornet and he did all that in second without any help from A.I. or any aim assists…”

“That’s why his symbol is a Battle Rifle on the leaderboard!” Ruby called out.

_Tex appears, flying on her jetpack._

**Washington:**  WAAAAAHHH!!

_She successfully pushes Wash & the Sarcophagus safely inside the Pelican. Tex's armor sparks blue._

“And that’s par!” Yang said as she pumped her fist. “Eagle!”

“Fucking mini-golf…” Blake grumbled under her breath.

“I know, right?” Weiss said.

 **Washington:**  Ow.

 **Four-Seven Niner:**  Hold on!

_Four-Seven Niner balances the Pelican and flies off._

“Woo!” Ruby called out. “Wow, I wish we had our own pilot be as good as her.”

“Too bad we kinda crashed our personal aircraft.” Blake pointed out.

 **Tex:**  Get the package back to Command, now!

 **Four-Seven Niner:**  On it!

_Cut to York & Carolina still in freefall. They are falling closer and closer to the ground._

“And make it quick!” Weiss shouted out, wondering how Carolina and York would survive.

 **York:**  Well, there goes our ride.

 **Carolina:**  You think maybe we should've had a fallback plan?

Yang snickered at this. “ _Fall_ back plan…? I think this is their fallback plan.” Yang chuckled out.

 **York:**  Hey, what happened to Maine?

“Oh yeah, where is-“ Ruby wonder before being interrupted by what happened next.

_Maine suddenly appears, rescuing the two in a Warthog._

“Whoa-kay!” Ruby called out.

“Agent Double-O Maine to the rescue!” Yang cheered.

 **York:**  Whoa!! Are we in a car?!

“Chupathingy!” Weiss shouted out. “And that’s all that it will ever be!”

_The Warthog enters a tunnel as the music is muffled. In the background, the 110 story building slowly crumbles down to the ground._

“Ah… all that sexy, sexy physics and rendering…” Blake sighed out in pleasure.

_The Warthog then exits the tunnel, the music going back to its better quality, with Maine quickly swerving through traffic, dodging oncoming cars. York is riding shotgun and Carolina is on the turret._

“Well, while they’re at it, may as well help the highway team.” Yang said. “Getting the Sarcophagus is pointless without the key to open it up.”

“Quick! Get Tucker’s Sword!” Ruby joked. “It’s the Key to… Darkness, I guess…”

_Cut back to the inside of the Pelican. Four-Seven Niner is on the radio with Command._

**Four-Seven Niner:**  Command, this is Four-Seven Niner. The Sarcophagus is secure, I repeat, the Sarcophagus is secure. We are inbound. Two Agents Aboard, Team's Status Unknown.

_Pan back to Wash & Tex in the hangar. Tex's jetpack sparks._

“Well, that’s busted.” Weiss said. “But, knowing this show and God-tier Tex, she’ll probably stick the landing without it.”

 **Washington:**  So, jetpacks huh?

_Tex places the damaged jetpack on top of the Sarcophagus and jumps out of the Pelican._

**Washington:**  That was interesting.

“That was awesome!” Ruby cheered.

_The Pelican closes its back hatch and flies away._

“And… that’s it!” Ruby called out as she turned off the projector before grabbing the laptop and transforming the theatre back into their dorm. “Oh God, I can’t wait for the next set!”

“Well, let’s take a break everyone.” Blake said as she rubbed her eye. “Get a little exercise before we finish off the season.”

‘ _Maybe this time it won’t take ten years._ ’ Noire said sarcastically. ‘ _Because that’s fun for the readers._ ’

“And if you will excuse, I will go bang my head in my Banging Room.” Blake said before walking out the room… before quickly poking her head back in. “U-Uh… I mean… I don’t mean ‘Banging’ as in sex and stuff. I mean, it’s not like I have my own masturbatorium hidden in Beacon or anything. It’s just… where I bang myself-I mean, wait, no! Let me finish saying my masturbatori-I’m gonna shut up now and go.”

“You do that.” Yang said in a flat tone. “…Hey, Weiss?”

“Way ahead of you.” The Heiress said before crawling underneath her bed. After a few seconds, Weiss came out with some champagne and various wines. “Never thought we’d last this long without these.”

“Wait, you have an alcohol stash?” Ruby asked in amazement. “How? Wait, when?”

“Turns out Goodwitch has a stash in her office, we just transferred it over here.” Yang informed her sister before grabbing a bottle. “Now, I’m gonna go ahead and erase the memories of Blake having her own masturbatorium. Don’t drink this stuff. You’re too young.”

“What?” Ruby said after drinking about a quarter of a bottle of Rectified Spirit A.K.A. the strongest alcoholic drink in Remnant.

(About one hour later…)

“Alright, guys! I’m back!” Blake announced as she walked back into the room. “Let’s go ahead and finish…” Blake trailed off as she saw what her teammates did while she was gone.

“So… uh… we can explain…” Ruby said as she rubbed the back of her neck. “On the bright side, I’m incapable of getting drunk. Can’t really say the same for the others…”

“Ruby…” Blake said, her eye twitching at the sight. “What. The _fuck_. Did you guys do?”

“It… seemed fun at the time…” Ruby tried to calm Blake down as she looked at the burning wreckage of an airship right outside the dorm window, Weiss and Yang covered in soot and groaning in their respective beds…

And Team JNPR lying unconscious in the middle of the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game… Quit!
> 
> Whew! Done! Didn’t exactly plan on that happen but um… yeah, it’ll be explained in the JNPR chapter after the season’s done.
> 
> UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	75. Season Finale-Only Slightly Insane (Hell’s Angel, Spiral, Labour Pains, Whole Lot of Shaking, Hate to Say Goodbye)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! UknownHero here and welcome to another chapter of React Watch Believe Yikes and only a month or so after the last chapter because we are now at the Season 9 Finale, motherfuckers! Woo! This story is almost over! It’s only a couple chapters left after this! Thank God, I will finally have a fic that’s finish!  
> In about another year. Maybe.  
> Anyway, after this I’ll probably have to finish Red vs Blue: Reaction (available now on Ao3) and then move onto the sequel to both of them. So, this story isn’t over even after it’s over. So that’ll be fun. Anyway, onto the comments! To Yamikage: Yeah, all that gets explained next chapter. To ShepardisaBOSS: Oh, we are going to the Chorus Trilogy. Don’t worry about that. Anyway, that’s it! Time to finish the Season that never seemed to end. Remember, jokes and reactions are always accepted in this fic.  
> All RvB dialogue and scenes come from the wiki itself and all I own are the words. Rooster Teeth owns everything else.  
> Load Game… Start!

“HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN!?” Blake yelled out. “Seriously, I was gone for an hour and now we have a fucking airship imbedded in the school!”

“Uh… _burning_ airship.” Yang corrected, having recovered from her drunken state thanks to the laptop. “I swear, it was a good idea at the time!”

“You guys were _drunk_! And how the Hell did you manage to sneak alcohol into Beacon!?” Blake called out.

“I have connections… and a slight drinking problem.” Weiss replied meekly. “But mostly connections.”

“Uh… I would like to remind everyone I can’t get drunk.” Ruby pointed out. “It just turns into sugar for me.”

“And I don’t want know what kind of genes that led to that!” Blake said as she rolled her eyes before turning her gaze to the JNPRs, who were all lying on her bed and still unconscious. “God, I hope they’re okay.”

“At least their entrance was pretty awesome…” Ruby said with a giggle. “Well, apart from the crashing and burning… And screaming…”

“Please don’t tell me Nora was driving…” Blake groaned. “Because that would make me happy that the airship crashed into the school.”

“So, what do we do with them when they wake up?” Yang asked.

“We’ll deal with it later. Right now, all they need is a few bandages and some rest.” Weiss suggested. “Let’s just bring them to their room.”

“You do realize Noire slept there, right?” Weiss spoke up. “I’m guessing there’s a few… adult toys lying around there. And I’m not talking about the ones left over from the freak pink dildo storm, I swear did they need an entire fucking plane to deliver that many!?”

“The adult toy industry is more profitable than you think.” Blake said.

“That’s because you keep it running by you alone.” Yang joked. Blake only sighed as she picked up Ren.

“How the fuck did this happen?” Blake muttered to herself as they carried the JNPRs into their dorm. “Wait, which one was Noire’s bed?”

“Why are you asking that?” Ruby asked with a confused look on her face as Yang and Weiss blushed.

“Uh… It’s probably better if you don’t know.” Yang answered before whispering to the Heiress. “So that’s going to be Jaune’s bed right?”

“Yep.” Weiss replied automatically. “Probably would enjoy it too.”

(Some time later…)

“So… do you think they would be mad at us?” Ruby asked as she used the laptop to transform their dorm into a theatre. “I mean, we did kinda ruin their summer…”

“Summer’s ending in a couple of weeks so I’m pretty sure they milked their summer of all its enjoyment.” Weiss informed.

“Summer’s ending next week.” Blake corrected. “And at least they had a better summer than us.”

“Ugh… I don’t even know what day it is…” Yang groaned out. “It feels like we’ve been here for years. Like, three to four. Five at most.”

“Well, until then, let’s just finish off this season and then Season 10. I really wanna know how all this Freelancer stuff goes.” Ruby said as she picked up the remote.

“You know, we should invite Team JNPR once they wake up.” Weiss suggested. “Of course, we have to run them through the past nine seasons. And address the fact that half of Remnant shares a voice with a character in the show.”

“I just hope they don’t breakdown like we did…” Blake muttered out.

“Oh, they’re going to be relatively fine.” Yang tried to reassure the Faunus. “At best, they’ll only be _slightly_ insane after watching.”

“And that’s what worries me.” Blake said with a sigh.

“Okay, enough talking!” Ruby called out. “Our journey with Epsilon is going to end-“

“Wait!” Weiss interrupted. “Don’t you make that speech at the start of the last set or before the last episode?”

“Uh… actually I kinda forgot.” Ruby admitted.

“Just start the damn episode!” Yang yelled out.

“Okay! Okay! Let’s end Season 9!” Ruby said as she fumbled with the remote before pressing play.

**(Hell’s Angel)**

_Fade in to Church and Tucker outside Blue Base_

**Church:**  Tucker, c-come on man, help me. I need to find a way to have her stick around a bit longer.

 **Tucker:**  Oh yeah sure, no problem. Maybe you and your girlfriend can find time to go on a killing spree. Do some real bonding.

“What real bonding? They’re basically made for each other!” Yang said. “And that’s not metaphorical or some bullshit. They were literally made for each other.”

“Which makes the entire situation more disturbing rather than romantic.” Blake said.

 **Church:**  Tucker.

 **Tucker:**  Oh, that's right, not your girlfriend. Just the girl that you're stalking, through multiple planes of existence.

“It’s just a never ending cycle.” Weiss said with a sigh. “Through multiple iterations and multiple Tex’s and Church’s.”

“At some point, someone has to break the circle of hurting.” Ruby spoke up. “I mean… it can’t go on forever… right?”

“Well… he is an Artificial Intelligence…” Blake mumbled to herself.

 **Church:**  Hhgh.

 **Tucker:**  Romantically.

“Yeah, at this point I’m realizing how unromantic this whole thing is.” Ruby admitted. “I mean… lots of people died… and the atrocities of Project Freelancer… all because of the Director and his obsession with the original.”

“People do crazy things when they’re in love.” Weiss said. “Though, didn’t expect people dying on that list.”

 **Church:**  Please, I just need a little more time.

 **Tucker:**  Why, who cares?

 **Church:**  I do, I'm supposed to do this.

“The question is: Can he actually do it?” Yang pointed out.

“I’m sure he can… eventually.” Ruby said. “…Maybe.”

 **Tucker:**  Fine, where is she now?

 **Church:**  She's talking with Caboose.

 **Tucker:**  Well that should keep her busy for at least a few minutes. Half an hour if she starts asking him math problems.

“Well, Tex actually somewhat-likes Caboose.” Blake said. “But that’s a pretty generous estimation of Tex’s patience.”

“Yeah, I bet right now Tex would be leaving Blood Gulch before you can even say-“

 **Tex:**  Hey, I'm gonna stick around a while longer.

“…That.” Weiss finished her sentence as the girls stared at the screen in disbelief.

 **Church:**  You are? I mean... you are?

 **Tex:**  Yeah. Caboose here said you guys need some help with the tank, so I figured ah, I could help with that too. What can I say, I like the kid.

“You don’t like anything!” Yang called out.

“I don’t think Tex is the type of person to dig _really deep_ into her heart and help out, despite being a little nice to the BGC.” Ruby muttered.

“He paid her, did he?” Weiss deadpanned.

 **Caboose:**  Plus I paid her a hundred dollars.

“Yep.” Blake groaned as everyone face palmed.

“Caboose can’t even count up to five. He probably gave a thousand or something instead.” Yang guessed.

 **Tex:**  Yeah, that too.

“Well, all of life’s problems can be caused and solved with money.” Weiss said with a wince. “I should know.”

 **Tucker:**  Money - why didn't I think of that?

 **Church:**  Because you don't have any money?

“I don’t think anyone who’s a Red or Blue gets paid.” Ruby said. “At all.”

“You don’t pay dead men.” Blake grumbled. “But now Freelancer’s paying the price.”

 **Tucker:**  Good point. Hey Caboose, give me some money!

 **Caboose:**  Oka- wait. S'this a trick. I'll pay you a hundred dollars to show me how it works.

“It’s probably in Monopoly money.” Yang deadpanned. “All he has left is Monopoly money.”

_Cut to Grif and Simmons_

**Simmons:**  I can't believe you guys didn't know this was Lopez, and not me.

“Eh, they’re too lazy, too stupid or just apathetic enough to never notice you were gone, Simmons.” Ruby stated. “I thought you already accepted the fact that your team will kill you one day.”

“Well, he ain’t exactly the model example of competent as well.” Weiss pointed out.

 **Grif:**  What do you expect, he had the perfect disguise.

 **Simmons:**  He painted himself maroon. _Badly!_

“Maroon and brown are kinda similar colours.” Yang said. “Like brown and dark orange.”

“Dark orange _is_ brown.” Blake pointed out.

“Exactly!” Yang said proudly while her partner just sighed.

 **Grif:**  Exactly! How could anyone be expected to see through that?

“Everyone could see through that!” Weiss shouted out. “Everyone and the dead could see through that!”

 **Simmons:**  He spoke Spanish, no one else does.

 **Grif:**  That did seem weird at first, but, you always go through those annoying phases. Like, remember that time you were gonna learn to play banjo, or the time you were gonna be a vegan?

“Hey, remember the time Weiss picked up crochet?” Ruby giggled out.

“Hey! There was only one minor international incident!” Weiss exclaimed. “Plus, _you_ didn’t even last a day on your hunger strike for removing cookies from the vending machines!”

“I actually recall Ruby trying to eat a stapler that day…” Blake muttered out.

“Ack! Well, at least I didn’t have a mental shutdown at the very _thought_ that the store ran out of tuna!” Ruby pointed out.

“Oh! I remember that day!” Yang laughed out. “You were crying all day! I literally saw the tuna delivery truck right behind you when you started!”

“Really? Because I distinctly remember your attempt at asking Fox for a date.” Blake said with a smirk, stopping Yang’s laughter. “That was a complete failure.”

“It was a bet!” Yang retorted. “That _we_ made.”

“Ugh… that was a disaster…” Ruby groaned as everyone else sighed. “Let’s just get back to the show.” And with that, they continued watching.

 **Simmons:**  What do you mean phases, I am a vegan. And I can play the banjo.

“Dude, as long as you aren’t being a dick about it, that’s fine.” Weiss said.

“Oh come on, HATE (Humans Against The Eradicationsofanimals) isn’t _that_ bad.” Blake stated before pausing. “Well, they aren’t doing anything helpful ever since they opened… and they’re been accused of fraud… and their leader is a known criminal and accused of bestiality with Grimm… and they publicly kill animals… and they’ve recently tried to evade taxes… and… are… trying… to be… classified as… a religion… oh…”

“I was talking about the banjo.” Weiss pointed out.

“Oh.” Blake said with a blush.

“Wanna talk about it?” Ruby asked.

“No.”

“Wanna talk about it with-“

“No!” Blake interrupted Yang.

‘ _Please be aware that React Watch Believe Yikes is totally not talking about a real life organization of hypocritical douchebags who spend more money on ads, putting down animals, lying and aggressively trying to force people to become vegans through shocking imagery and making shit games than actually saving them and encouraging people to be vegan._ ’ Noire quickly said. ‘ _But uh… don’t support them if you are reminded by a real life organization. Stupid PETA-Uh! I mean… aw fuck it, I hate PETA and the author never liked PETA in the first place. They said you poop gold if you’re on a vegan diet, for fuck’s sake! Probably Photoshopped from the image the author saw but one glance at their website and you can see the amount of bullshit they have on it. Anyway, end rant, back to your crappily scheduled React Watch Believe Yikes._ ’

 **Grif:**  I know, and isn't all that annoying?

 **Simmons:**  But you couldn't figure it out. Hawh, you don't know me at all.

“No one on the Reds knows you at all!” Ruby called out. “Hell, the Blues know you more than the Reds!”

 **Grif:**  To be fair, we didn't know Lopez either. We knew you both equally as little, so, you can see how we'd get confused. Also, we didn't really care.

“And that balances it out… I guess?” Yang said with a shrug. “Apathy is a powerful element, after all.”

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, but Lopez was here a day. I've been here for years.

“Your importance to the team isn’t determined by how long you’ve been there, it’s if your teammates give a shit or not.” Weiss said.

 **Grif:**  You have? See, I'm learning new stuff about you already. Now the next time an evil robot tries to take your place, I'll have questions to ask it.

“Lopez wasn’t evil. He was just competent.” Blake pointed out. “Actually most of their enemies weren’t exactly evil…”

“Competency equals dickery, got it.” Yang said with a nod.

“Does that mean we’re dicks?” Ruby questioned.

“After Revelation? Yes.” Weiss replied in a flat voice.

 **Simmons:**  Shut up. Why the hell am I the one cleaning up my own body? This is insulting.

“You already answered your own question, Simmons.” Ruby chuckled out.

 **Simmons:** Hey what do you think he was using all this equipment for?

 **Grif:**  I don't know, boring stuff? Who cares?

“Usually the boring stuff becomes important stuff which leads to the fun stuff.” Yang said.

“Which is why you leave the ‘boring stuff’ to the rest of us.” Weiss spoke up before sighing. “I swear, an attitude like that will make you lose a limb one day…”

“Er… yeah… I-I’ll keep that in mind…” Yang nervously chuckled out as she rubbed her arm. The others were too focused on the big screen to notice.

 **Simmons:**  Hmmm...

 **Grif:**  Oh, wait, I forgot, you like boring stuff. Never mind what I said, I'm sure it's something for sports.

“Actually, sports require some academics like aerodynamics and health. It’s just that the physical part is the main focus while those who take more academic paths eliminate it entirely. If you’re a civilian, that is.” Blake explained.

 **Simmons:**  It looks like we have a mystery to solve.

 **Grif:**  What're you, twelve?

“Remember, the culprit’s is never the creepy janitor!” Ruby called out. “Unless it is! Then you have the right to punch him!”

“I wonder why your father would teach you that…” Blake deadpanned.

_Cut to Tex at the tank, and Church approaching from the background._

**Church:**  Hey uh, hey you got a second?

“At all these tremors, they’ve got nothing but seconds.” Yang said.

 **Caboose:**  Sure! What do you want to talk about?

 **Church:**  No, not you Caboose, I want to talk to Tex.

“Oh God, it’s gonna be the whole ‘Who did you call?’ thing, isn’t it?” Weiss groaned, already feeling a migraine.

_Tremor_

**Caboose:**  Oh. Go ahead.

 **Church:**  I wanna talk to her alone.

“You could just have Caboose there. I doubt he’d understand whatever they’re gonna talk about.” Blake suggested.

 **Caboose:**  You can't talk to someone alone, there has to be two people. Those are the rules, I don't make them.

 **Church:**  By. Myself.

 **Caboose:**  Well, I- I suppose she could stand pretty far away, and then you can yell! That might, that might work.

“For the love of-I’d say Church should just say he wanted to talk with Tex privately but he would just drag Tucker in as well.” Yang sighed out.

 **Church:**  Caboose, I would like for you, to leave.

 **Caboose:**  Oh I, I get it, I'm so- I'm so embarrassed, I'll just go over there for a little while.

“Ugh… Finally!” Ruby called out in relief. “I won’t get back those brain cells but thank you for saving the rest.”

 **Church:**  Thank you.

 **Caboose:**  Come on, Tex.

“CABOOSE, GO TO YOUR ROOM!” The RWBYs shouted out.

 **Church:**  No no no no no, Tex, Te- please, can you help me out here?

 **Tex:**  Hoho, no no no. I'm sure this conversation is a lot more entertaining, than whatever you wanna say to me.

“Say that after several weeks of watching them basically that shit for nine seasons and tell me you aren’t annoyed by then…” Ruby said with a sigh and groan.

_Cut to Red Base. Another tremor occurs_

“These earthquakes are really starting to get more and more frequent.” Weiss noted with a wince. “Looks like the memory unit’s gonna fail at any time.”

“The circle’s never gonna be broken at this rate…” Blake said sadly.

 **Sarge:**  Men, thanks for gathering so quickly. It appears we have a crisis on our hands. I'm now going to turn this meeting over to our Chief Science Engineer, Simmons.

“Also known as Local Smartass.” Yang added in.

 **Simmons:**  Houh, finally some respect.

“I wouldn’t count on that respect lasting too long…” Blake muttered.

 **Sarge:**  ...who is gonna talk for a little while, but not too much. And he's not going to over explain things in that way he does, and then he's gonna stop talking and turn the meeting back over to me.

“We get it Sarge. You’re in charge! Get on with it!” Weiss yelled.

 **Sarge:** Simmons.

 **Simmons:**  Thank you Sarge. Men, I have made a grave discovery. Analyzing equipment that Lopez was using, I have found that the planet is undergoing a total seismic breakdown. There's clear evidence of an unstoppable chain of events which is leading to a full systemic collapse. Now I realize this may cause some of you to panic.

 **Donut and Grif:**  ...

Ruby and Yang just stared dumbly at the screen, wondering what Simmons had just said as Weiss and Blake face palmed at their teammates. “Uh… What?” Yang intelligently got out.

“He really didn’t have to complicate that, you know.” Ruby spoke up.

“Oh my God…” Weiss couldn’t help but let out.

“They are your teammates and friends, do not stab. They are your teammates and friends, do not stab…” Blake quietly chanted to herself.

 **Simmons:**  …Or, it may confuse most of you because you don't understand what I said.

“Yeah… that about sums it up.” Ruby admitted while the Black and White pair just groaned.

 **Sarge:**  Can we wrap this up please.

 **Simmons:**  The world is breaking, we're all gonna die.

“Oh…” The two sisters said in realization.

“…I feel dumb.” Yang admitted.

“I feel dumb _er_ just by being near you.” Weiss said.

“That’s a little harsh Weiss.” Blake said with a frown. Weiss just wrote it off.

“Couldn’t they just call Command to get off planet?” Ruby pointed out.  “They have warp drive technology they could always just warp over to Blood Gulch and halfway through this I realize that they probably don’t give a fuck.”

“Most likely, even if this wasn’t happening inside the Epsilon unit.” Blake said.

 **Grif:**  What!?

 **Donut:**  Why would you tell us like that!? It's like ripping off a Band Aid!

 **Simmons:**  You know what, fuck you guys. Stupid people get to live a life of worry and fear, you're all doomed.

“Eh, Caboose would probably not understand at all if he was told the world was ending.” Yang said with a shrug. “At best, he’d try and stop it. And probably would succeed.”

 **Grif:**  This is the worst news ever.

“Of all time.” Weiss said automatically before getting the laptop. Next thing her teammates knew, she had broken a cinderblock with her forehead alone. After being checked for a concussion/brain injury, they continued watching.

 **Sarge:**  Men don't worry. We've got a plan in place to resolve the problem.

“Oh fuck…” Yang laughed out. “This is gonna be hilarious…”

 **Simmons:**  I can't wait to hear this.

_Sarge reveals a board entitled: "Sarge's Plan to Kick the Planet's Ass". Another tremor occurs._

“Wait, what does that say!?” Ruby exclaimed as Yang laughed. “Is that in fucking MS Paint!?”

“Oh, this is gonna be a train wreck…” Blake groaned.

 **Sarge:**  Now we all know that the planet is trying to kill us. So we need to strike back, and quickly! Scare the crap out of it.

“So he is gonna try and fight… a planet.” Weiss deadpanned. “And win. With bullets. To save it.”

“My bet’s on the planet.” Blake said in a flat voice.

 **Simmons:**  What!?

 **Sarge:**  Grif, what's that bad sci-fi movie where they discover a natural disaster and their first attempt to solve the problem is to use a huge bomb?

 **Grif:**  That's... every bad sci-fi movie, Sir.

“Like the one where they tried to blow up a tornado full of sharks.” Ruby said.

“Or the one where they tried to blow up a sinkhole full of snakes.” Weiss added in.

“Or the one where they tried to blow up a tsunami full of cows.” Blake spoke up.

“Or the one where they tried to blow up a volcano full of spiders.” Yang finished off before realizing one little detail. “Wait a minute that was a documentary…”

 **Sarge:**  Exactly. So that's what we're gonna do. Now here's the plan. We're going to build an enormous drilling machine, and institute my three phase plan. Step one, bust through the crust; step two, skedaddle through the mantle; step three, bore to the core.

“Uh… the mantle is just pure magma…” Weiss pointed out. “And wouldn’t that destabilize the planet _even more_?”

“Just… Just let Sarge have this one…” Ruby said, just knowing this was doomed to fail.

 **Sarge:** Once in the core, we'll set off an enormous bomb to stabilize the planet.

“Wouldn’t _that_ destabilize the planet _even **more**_ than the drilling!?” Yang exclaimed. “I mean, c’mon!”

“No matter what, they’re gonna die.” Blake said with a sigh. “And I can imagine the real Sarge coming to that conclusion as well.”

 **Simmons:**  How will a bomb stabilize the planet?

 **Sarge:**  It won't; duh. But through a series of dramatic setbacks, calamities, and yes, hopefully a few of us dying on the mission, we'll find the true cause and solution to the problem. And, save the world.

“So basically… Grif dying. Horribly. Multiple times.” Weiss deadpanned.

“You know what; it might crazy enough to work…” Yang admitted.

“It’s crazy enough to get them all killed.” Blake retorted.

“It might crazy enough to get Tucker if people are gonna die.” Ruby spoke up.

 **Simmons:**  Seriously?

 **Grif:**  I like the plan.

 **Donut:**  Me too, let's do it.

“Says the people who are most likely going to die first on this suicide pact.” Ruby said. 

 **Sarge:**  Great, I'll get to work on the drill. Donut, you find the deepest darkest hole where we can stick it in.

 **Donut:**  I have a list of candidates right here!

“Of course you would…” Blake said with a sigh.

“Quickly! To the Donut Hole!” Yang called out jokingly.

**BATMAN TRANSITION!**

“…What the fuck was that?” Weiss asked, wondering what just happened. “Wh-Was that a scene transition? What the fuck!?”

“Uh… that was weird.” Yang said as she looked around with a confused look on her face.

“Wait, let me try this out.” Ruby said, looking giddy. “Quickly! To the Ruby Cave!”

“Don’t tell me you have a ca-”

**BATMAT TRANSITION!**

“What the fuck!?” Weiss exclaimed as the RWBYs looked around confusingly. “What the-You actually have a cave!? And where the fuck are we!?”

“I… don’t know…” Ruby answered truthfully, having no idea where on Remnant they were now. “Uh… I’m actually kinda scared…! I thought it was just gonna be that transition-y thing again.”

“Let’s see if we can fix this.” Blake said before taking in a deep breath. “Quickly! To the…”

“ _Fuck Cave!_ ” Noire happily finished off instead of Blake.

“Hey, wait no!” Weiss shouted out.

**BATGMATS TRNASITION!**

“It’s just a cave with the word ‘fuck’ written on the walls.” Yang noted at the new area they were in now.

“Hey, why is there a hole here?” Ruby wondered out loud, spotting a hole at around crotch level in the wall.

“I think I visited something like this once…” Blake admitted as she blushed at the memories.

“Okay! Enough of that!” Weiss quickly said as she got everyone together. “Quickly! To the RWBY Cave!”

**NBATMN TSANSIOFRTOMN!**

“Finally, we’re back!” Yang sighed out as they all went back to their seats.

“Let’s… Let’s just never speak of that again and continued watching.” Weiss suggested wisely.

“Agreed.” The rest of the RWBYs replied automatically.

‘ _Rest in Peace, Adam West_.’ Noire quickly said.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, I need you to build us a bomb.

“Why don’t you just Donut to do that? He’s the explosives guy.” Yang pointed out.

“Even if it’s to save to world, he’ll find any chance to kill Grif.” Weiss stated. “Plus, he has his Donut Holes to examine for entry.” Blake suddenly started coughing right after Weiss finished that sentence. “Huh? Blake, what’s wrong?”

“N-Nothing.” Blake managed to say, a big blush on her face.

 **Grif:**  How the hell do I do that?

 **Sarge:**  Find a way, Son. Time is short.

“And he is fat and lazy. That is never a good combination.” Ruby said.

 **Grif:**  Okay, huhh, I guess I'll look on the Internet?

“Ugh, like you can find something like that on the Internet.” Weiss said as she rolled her eyes. “The government won’t allow it.”

“Then you haven’t been on the Internet long.” Blake stated. “You’d be surprised on what you can find. Like seeing a guy with their head blown off or a dead woman with her torso split down the middle.”

“What the fuck are you looking up, Blake!?” Yang exclaimed, a little worried about her friend.

“It was for a report. It… spiraled pretty quickly.” Blake replied with a wince. That didn’t comfort anyone.

 **Sarge:**  Excellent! Let's get to work men, we've got a planet to fight! ...I mean save. Whatever.

“He’s gonna destroy the planet.” The RWBYs said flatly.

_Cut to the Freelancer back story, where Team A is seen driving on the freeway. York is driving, Maine is riding shotgun and Carolina is manning the turret._

“Hey, they switched.” Ruby noted.

“Inconsistency~” Yang sang out.

 **Carolina:**  Team B report. Team B!

_Cut to Team B. Their car is flipped and on fire. Wyoming is wounded and being treated by C.T., while North takes cover behind the car and reports in as numerous police officers shoot at them._

“A-Are those cops?” Weiss said in disbelief. “Holy shit, they’re shooting at cops, aren’t they!?”

“I’m getting the feeling after this mission, things are gonna change.” Blake said as she shook her head.

 **North Dakota:**  Team B is down! We have wounded, and are taking fire.

“Guess they won’t be getting the key then.” Ruby said.

 **Carolina:**  We'll be right there.

 **North Dakota:**  Negative, get the package. Get it out of the city.

“And maybe get off the planet.” Yang suggested. “They should be glad they have helmets and look like robots.”

“It’s a wonder how long Freelancer got away with this.” Weiss said. “They have armour similar to Spartans so the UNSC would’ve been involved somehow, especially in public places like that where their Super Soldiers are shooting their guns at law enforcement.”

“That goes to show how good the Project was at covering up incidents.” Blake said with a sigh. “But it’s still amazing how long they kept this up, for years. The whole Simulation Trooper Program is just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine what we’re not seeing, what things they’re doing just for the progression of this fucked up program.”

 **Carolina:**  Roger that.

 **York:**  Reading Team B's tracker... okay, there he is I got him.

 **Carolina:**  We'll cut 'em off at that overpass, go, go!

“And you wonder what was the point of Team B if they have enough time to get the Sarcophagus and get the key.” Yang wondered out loud.

“Would’ve been easier if the cops hadn’t showed up. Probably because of a fucking hundred-story building collapsing in the middle of the day.” Weiss explained. “From a space laser! So fucking subtle, Freelancer! Could’ve destroyed footage or just eliminated witnesses, but that’s fine! Do it your way! Assholes…”

_Cut to Tex, who is inside a building somewhere hiding from guards._

**Tex:**  Come in, Mother of Invention.

 **FILSS:**  We read you Agent Texas. Go ahead.

“Uh… they got the Sarcophagus and Team A’s gunning for the key. She should’ve left with Wash.” Ruby said as she narrowed her eyes. “And I’m guessing this isn’t for a pick up. What is she doing?”

“My guess? Getting more guns.” Blake replied. “And gunning for the key.”

_Cut to the Mother of Invention, where the Director is seen on the bridge._

**Tex:**  FILSS, I need you to fire ordinance pod zero-four-zero-one to my position.

 **FILSS:**  I am sorry, but I cannot verify the contents of that pod. Protocol dictates that all-

 **Director:**  Just fire it, FILSS.

“Anything for my dead girlfriend.” Weiss said sarcastically.

“Huh, wonder what’s in the pod…” Yang mumbled to herself.

“Eh, it’s probably gonna be a Chupathingy or a Mongoose. Something she could use to catch up with the team.” Blake guessed.

“Or a Spartan Laser…!” Ruby squealed out.

 **FILSS:**  Acknowledged. Safety protocol override. Firing pod zero-four-zero-one.

_The pod is launched towards Tex. It lands and opens to reveal a motorcycle and a rocket launcher._

Jaw dropped at the sight of the motorcycle, having not expected a non-in-game vehicle in the show.

“That… That is not an ATV…” Ruby said as the girls stared in awe at the vehicle.

“I’m guessing that’s her ride.” Weiss mumbled in a low voice.

 “I can’t help but be impressed.” Blake admitted. “It looks like something straight from the games.”

“I… I think I need to change my underwear…” Yang said as she slowly got up from her chair and waddled over to the exit, leaving a trail of something in her wake. Whenever it was pee, female juices or shit, they didn’t want to know. After shifting their spot away from Yang soiled seat, Yang returned with a fresh pair and sat down on a new one… before freaking out.

“ALL THIS FUCKING TIME! ALL THIS FUCKING TIME THEY KEEP! FUCKING! CALLING THE ATVs MOTOR-FUCKING-CYCLES! AND THEN THIS SHIT HAPPENS AND FUCKING GOD, WHY THE FUCK DO THEY GET ALL THE COOL TOYS!? I WON’T BE FUCKING SURPRISED IF IT BECOMES A FUCKING SECOND SET OF FUCKING ARMOUR OR A ROBOT! BECAUSE HOLY SHIT, THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING AWESOME! AND WITH THAT, IT MEANS THERE’S GONNA BE A HIGHWAY CHASE SCENE, AND THAT’S FUCKING EPIC! CARS! BLOOD! MURDER! I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW! **WOOO!** ”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Got that off your chest?” Ruby asked hesitantly, leaning further away from her sister.

“Yeah. I’m good.” Yang replied. “…Might need to change my underwear again.”

“Is it… Is it an emergency?” Weiss had to ask.

“No.” Yang answered before pausing. “Wait… no. Wait, wait… no, I think we’re good. Hold on… yeah we’re good for now.”

“Okay then…” Blake said slowly before grabbing the remote and continuing the episode.

 **Tex:**  Hello there.

“Marry me…” Yang said while in a dream-like state and sparkles in her eyes. The rest of her team were now in an entirely different row at this point.

_Tex approaches it. Cut to a group of Insurrectionists._

**Guard 1:**  Did you fucking hear that?

“I’m pretty sure you would hear the space pod falling from space and the sound of it opening to reveal the space motorcycle and the space rocket launcher.” Weiss deadpanned.

 **Guard 2:**  No man, no-

 **Guard 1:**  You didn- it was like-

_Tex crashes through the window above them and drives off_

“Freelancer! The masters of subtlety!” Ruby called out mockingly.

 **Guard 1:**  How 'bout that, did you hear that?

 **Guard 2:**  Yeah yeah, I heard it.

_The guards chase after Tex. Cut to program official Rhee Sebiel, driving under an overpass just ahead of Tex._

“And there’s the Key Bearer.” Yang said. “Oh… he is _so_ fucked. No Aero for you!”

_Team A is revealed to be watching him. As Rhee approaches them, Maine jumps on the hood of his car and prepares to stab him with the bayonet of his Bruteshot._

“Oh!” The RWBYs exclaimed, wincing at the cut to black.

“That was a little unnecessary.” Yang said as she shook her head. “He didn’t have to die.”

“He was probably gonna die anyway, considering Freelancer’s way of operating. And Maine’s still pretty brutal even before becoming the Meta.” Blake muttered. “Still, that’s another death that Freelancer caused.”

“Plus the guards, civilians and police, they’re really racking up a body count in this mission.” Ruby sighed out. “But despite knowing all that, I still want them to get the mission done despite it fucking over a lot of people.”

“Well, let’s hope things don’t get worse in the next few episodes.” Weiss said as she picked up the remote. “But I just know it will.” She added with a defeated sigh as she pressed play.

**(Spiral)**

_Fade into Blood Gulch. Church walks up to Tex, who is working on Sheila._

“Well, another familiar scene…” Ruby said, smiling a little. “That means we’re starting to get to the end of what happened in Blood Gulch.”

“And the end of the Epsilon Unit.” Weiss added sadly.

 **Tex:** _(muttering)_ Come on, damn it.  _(sighs)_

 **Church:** Still won't start huh?

 **Tex:** No. But it's getting there.

“I doubt the makers are gonna bring back Sheila for just four more episodes. Yang sighed out. “Though, that would be fun.”

 **Church:** Did you uhh... try checking the starter?

 **Tex:** _(sarcastically)_  Oh, what a brilliant idea. Next you're gonna' ask me if I tried the keys.

“Uh… there’s a little problem with the audio here…” Blake noted, seeing that there were still fixing noises despite Tex stepping away from the tank. It wasn’t that much of a problem but it was something of note.

 **Church:** You have keys?

“Not surprised. Just another irresponsible and downright lazy design by Project Freelancer.” Weiss said.

“At least taking their cars is easier.” Ruby pointed out.

“To save money.” Blake spoke up. “Better to steal the vehicle and turn it against them than to destroy it since it’s so easy to take it. That way Freelancer pays less for replacements thanks to all the money they have for not paying the Red and Blue Teams, and more on their actual agents.”

“Damn it! Does Freelancer have to ruin everything!?” Yang cursed.

 **Tex:** No.

 **Church:** How do you know so much about vehicles?

 **Tex:** Well, during the training. We had to learn to care for our equipment. Plus, I've always liked cars.

“Probably because you share so much with each other.” Blake muttered out.

 **Church:** Uhh... training huh? Was that before…

 **Tex:** Before what? Before I was killed? Before you brought me back as, whatever I am now?

“Whoa! Wasn’t expecting that!” Yang called out.

“I kinda thought it was just Church figuring out how to fix… all of this.” Ruby admitted. “Kinda forgot Epsilon-Tex is here too.”

 **Church:** Oh. You know about that?

“Kinda obvious right now, Church.” Blake said.

 **Tex:** Well, of course I do. I know what you know. You made me.

 **Church:** Well... no, not me.

 **Tex:** Whatever.  _Him._

 _“No_! You weren’t created by the Director!” Ruby shouted out. “You just... There is no Church without Tex after all…”

 **Church:** Why did he do it? I... don't even remember when you first came around, you were just... kinda' there one day. It was like uhh... a training session or something like that.

 **Tex:** _(sighs)_  Yeah, Wyoming and Maine. Big dummies.

“Yeah, that fucking suck…” Yang said with a wince. “Fucking Wyoming…”

“Why is it the white dudes trying to kill the bl-I shouldn’t finish that sentence.” Weiss said as she slapped her cheeks.

 **Church:** Well, why did he bring you back?

 **Tex:** You know what Church, I don't know? You tell me. He didn't exactly ask me what  _I_ wanted, I just kinda' came along for the ride, I didn't get a vote.

“I guess he just wanted his lover back. Nothing more.”  Blake said with a shrug. “But… some people never get a choice… dead or about-to-be alive.”

 **Church:** But you were there when Alpha was there. Nobody else was.

 **Tex:** I don't know. What can I say? I guess we were inseparable.

_Sheila suddenly activates._

“Tank’s fixed.” Ruby said with a sigh, but she still smiled.

“At least something going right for once.” Weiss muttered.

 **Tex:** There you go! Tank's fixed! See what happens when you treat something right?

 **Church:** Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact I think I do.

“You know what? I think this is the first time Church and Tex ever had a real, civil conversation.” Blake said, a soft smile on her face. “Past all that stuff with Freelancer and their attitudes, I think they really do like each other.”

“It could’ve lasted if Freelancer wasn’t involved and the Epsilon Unit wasn’t dying.” Yang guessed. “But… I guess we’ll never know huh. That’s just how the world works.”

“That doesn’t mean you can give up hope for them.” Ruby said, her silver eyes tearing up a little. “He’ll find a way. I know it.”

_Fade in to Maine carrying a white suitcase back to Team A's Warthog._

“And back to Freelancer.” Blake mumbled to herself.

“I was expecting handcuffs being still attached.” Yang admitted. “…And the poor guy’s hand.”

 **Carolina:** Nice work Maine.

 **Maine:** Thanks.

“Well, they got the key to… whatever it is that’s in the Sarcophagus.” Ruby said. “Now they just need to get out of there. Easy enough.”

“Apart from the army coming their way.” Weiss pointed out. “I doubt there’s not going to be at least some resistance soon.”

 **York:** Yeah, subtle as always. Response team is probably on the way.

 **Carolina:** Let's get the hell out of here.

 **York:** Hold on!

“Let’s hope extraction isn’t late again…” Ruby muttered.

_York drives the Warthog down the highway, swiftly passing by several random cars. Two Insurrection Hornets are in pursuit._

“Here they come…” Weiss mumbled out.

“They’re gonna need a lot more than two planes.” Yang said. “But they have the aerial advantage so it’s not gonna be easy.”

 **York:** Comin' through! Excuse me! Look out!

“Something tells me this isn’t the first time York’s done this…” Blake said, noting his rather casual tone.

 **Carolina:** Here they come!

_The Hornets close in on Team A. Three Insurrection soldiers (a muscular sleeveless soldier, a sniper soldier, and a female soldier) with jetpacks hop off their Hornets and flank the Warthog._

**York:**  Behind us!

“They can clearly see that, York!” Weiss called out.

_As Team A battles two of the Insurrection soldiers, the Sniper Soldier speeds ahead and takes aim on a truck in front of Team A. The other two Insurrectionists continue to fire._

“Damn it! The two they’re fighting are just a distraction!” Yang swore. “Look behind you!”

 **Carolina:** Maine! Protect the briefcase!

_Maine notices a sniper laser pointing at Carolina's spine and looks behind him._

“Really shouldn’t have used laser sights…” Ruby sighed out.

_The sniper fires a shot at Carolina, but Maine intercepts the shot, causing it to hit his chest and flop over the roof._

“SON OF A BITCH!” The RWBYs shouted out.

“Holy shit! He just fucking took a bullet for her!” Ruby exclaimed.

“Oh… that should’ve pierced a lung or something!” Weiss said with a wince.

“He’s rather loyal, isn’t he?” Blake noted. “Despite everything, you can’t accuse Maine of being disloyal. At least, until he becomes the Meta.”

“Yeah…” Yang muttered as she stared in awe. “Ugh… why did Freelancer have to create the Meta?”

 **Carolina:** Maine? Sniper!

_A sniper bullet whizzes past Carolina's head, impacting into the turret. Cut to Tex riding on her motorbike being pursued by some Insurrectionists in Warthogs. Tex narrowly avoids the chaingun rounds and swerves around. She grabs her Rocket Launcher and shoots the Warthog._

“Ha ha! Nice shootin’ Tex!” Yang called out.

_She spots the Hornets chasing Team A._

**Tex:** Gotcha!

_She jumps off a ramp, fires her rocket at the Hornet and throws the rocket launcher away. She then brings out her SMG, and fires at some Insurrectionists on Mongooses._

“Wow, she got there pretty fast.” Weiss noted. “But I’m just glad Team A’s got some major support now. Especially since they have one man down.”

“But… Isn’t Tex destined to fail?” Ruby pointed out. “If she ever gets her hands on the briefcase, they’re screwed.”

“As long she’s just playing support and taking heat off Team A, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.” Blake said.

_Cut to Team A still fleeing from the Insurrectionist as Maine recovers from the bullet wound. Carolina ducks down._

**Carolina:** Punch it!

 **York:** It's punched!

“If it was punched anymore, his fist would go all the way to Vacuo!” Yang added in.

_The female Insurrectionist lands in front of the Warthog and has a brief battle with Carolina. Maine tried to get up, but the female Insurrectionist plants her foot on Maine's back, knocking him down again._

“Come on Maine! Carolina kinda needs your help right now!” Ruby badgered. “York! Get your gun and shoot!”

“I don’t think he has a gun right now. Plus he’s focusing on the road.” Weiss spoke up. “Still, he should at least help a little if they’re not gonna crash.”

_She steals the briefcase off Maine's back but Carolina manages to retrieve it back. As the briefcase flies in the air Carolina struggles to get a grip of it; eventually she manages to._

**Carolina:**  Got it.

_The sleeveless Insurrectionist kicks Carolina down to the front bumper of the Warthog and retrieves the briefcase._

“And… she doesn’t have it.” Blake said.

 _Carolina attempts to climb back on the Warthog, while the sleeveless Insurrectionist prepares to execute a still-weak Maine_.

“That’s not gonna happen!” Weiss called out.

 **York:**  Hold on!

_York swerves the Warthog to the left, flinging Carolina & the sleeveless Insurrectionist off it._

_They land on a nearby truck platform with oil drums, with Carolina grabbing the briefcase in the process._

“Stage transition!” Yang shouted out.

“Probably for the best. The top of a Chupathingy’s not exactly the best arena.” Blake stated.

_The female Insurrectionist begins to fire at Carolina, forcing her to take cover. At the same time, the sleeveless Insurrectionist tosses an oil drum at Team A's Warthog, knocking off its turret._

“There goes their main offense.” Ruby sighed.

“But at least Maine still has his grenade launcher.” Blake said.

 **York:**  Would you quit throwin' shit! On your left! On your left!

_The sniper soldier fires at York and Maine from a neighboring truck. York rams the Warthog into the truck, knocking the sniper off. The sniper uses his jetpack to gain back his balance and accelerates towards the Warthog, until Maine punches him in the face, knocking him down to the road._

“That’s for the new hole, jackass!” Ruby chuckled at her own little joke.

“Oh! He is not gonna get up from that!” Yang said with a wince. “At least the Sniper’s fucking down.”

“And all that’s left now is everyone else.” Weiss deadpanned.

_York and Maine speed up next to the oil truck._

**York:**  Watch it! Watch it!

“You’re speeding down the highway while fighting off people with jetpacks. I’m pretty sure people are gonna avoid you guys!” Yang called out.

“I think he was talking to Maine.” Blake pointed out.

“Just help Carolina, damn it! She’s losing!” Weiss shouted out.

_Maine jumps out of the Warthog and onto the oil truck platform, in order to assist Carolina. Maine battles the female soldier, but is kicked back with Carolina. As Carolina and Maine are back to back the two switch opponents (Carolina fighting the female soldier & Maine fighting the sleeveless soldier) with Maine now in possession of the briefcase._

**York:**  On the right!

_York tosses the Bruteshot to Carolina. Carolina Matrix jumps in the air, dodging incoming bullets. She stabs the female soldier with the Bruteshot._

“RIP HER GUTS OUT!” Ruby yelled out. “And the steal the jetpack! It’s fucking annoying!”

“I completely forgot this is Action Ruby…” Weiss mumbled to herself as the others shifted away.

 **Carolina:**  Come on!

_The female Insurrectionist tosses her pistol to her sleeveless companion, who catches it. The sleeveless soldier battles with Maine and manages to get it under his head. However, he misses._

“OH!” The girls exclaimed.

“That was close!” Ruby added in.

_He then throws Maine to the floor and shoots his throat repeatedly._

“Fuck! Maine!” Ruby yelped.

“Son of a bitch!” Weiss shouted out.

“Well, at least we know what happened to his voice.” Blake said, wincing as she clutched her neck.

“God, that’s fucking brutal!” Yang grimaced.

“At least he didn’t aim for the head…” Ruby muttered.  “But fuck… no one should go through that.”

 **Carolina:**  NOOO!

_Carolina quickly tackles the soldier andnearly stabs him with the Bruteshot. The sleeveless Insurrectionist kicks Carolina off and the two battle. As Carolina begins to overcome the two soldiers, Maine loads his Bruteshot, with blood pouring down his throat._

“Holy shit, he’s _still_ fighting!?” Yang exclaimed. “What the fuck!? Even the best Huntsmen and Huntresses can’t handle that type of pain!”

“Even before getting A.I. he was an unstoppable juggernaut.” Blake said, impressed. “He can take so much punishment…”

“And now he’s gonna punish them back.” Weiss said in a dark tone.

“Take ‘em down!” Ruby shouted out.

 _He aims at the two Insurrectionists, but the female Insurrectionist fires at Maine, causing his aim to go awry. Maine fires at the truck's rear, causing it to swerve._   _The truck hits a car and the four soldiers fly through the air, the female Insurrectionist flying off the highway. Carolina reaches for the briefcase, still on Maine's back, but fails to reach it. She lands in the Warthog. Maine, however, bounces off the road twice and is hit by a speeding truck and is completely knocked off the road._

“Okay! He should _not_ have survived that!” Blake gasped.

“And yet, he does.” Yang stated. “He doesn’t even have an Aura… What the fuck!?”

“Okay, eating bullets from a minigun is becoming less and less of an astounding feat by the second…” Weiss said quietly, just in awe how much pain Maine could take. It was insane.

_The sleeveless Insurrectionist retrieves the briefcase and flies up to his Hornet. Tex appears on her motorbike & fires at the Hornet. The Hornet enters a tunnel and damages the tunnel door controls. Tex follows in pursuit._

“Oh… that is gonna suck…” Yang groaned out.

_Cut to Carolina and York_

“More for them than anything else.” Weiss added in.

 **Carolina:**  Don't let her grab it first!

 **York:**  Who cares who gets it first!?

 **Carolina:**  I do!

“Uh… okay…?” Ruby said, a little weirded out by Carolina’s attitude. “Um, this isn’t a competition Carolina. I mean, I get she’s mad about the whole ‘Blowing Up Evidence’ thing but this…”

“I don’t like that tone…” Blake mumbled to herself as she narrowed her eyes.

_The doors slowly begin to close._

**Carolina:**  Bail out!

 **York:**  Bailing!

“Seriously, wouldn’t it be smarter for more public doors to lock open when shit’s damaged…” Yang grumbled.

_York hops out of the Warthog and rolls down the road. Carolina rides on the Warthog and is catapulted into the tunnel before the doors close, wheels of the Warthog flying every which way. She activates her speed unit enhancement and zooms off._

_Cut to York on the road._

**York:**  Man, I've got to quit jumping off stuff today.

“Uh… you still need to get off the highway…” Weiss pointed out. “And see if Maine’s still alive or at least able to move after getting shot in the chest, shot multiple times in the throat, getting beat up and then ran over by a truck.”

“He’s fine.” Ruby said off-handedly.

_Cut back to Carolina, who has spotted the Hornet. Using her speed unit to avoid multiple cars, Carolina manages to catch up with Tex, and the two begin to race for the Hornet in order to obtain the briefcase._

**Tex:**  Fall back Agent Carolina. I've got this!

 **Carolina:**  You fall back!

“Why is Carolina doing this?” Ruby muttered to herself. “I mean, they should be a team right now and _helping_ each other. Not racing each other like children.”

“I’m getting the feeling this is more than getting the objective to Carolina…” Blake said quietly.

“You know, I’ve been joking about Carolina being jealous of Tex before but this is a whole new level…” Yang said with a sigh.

_Tex accelerates. The Hornet exits the tunnel and begins to ascend. Tex leaps off her motorbike and launches it towards the Hornet, managing to take it out._

“More… cool shit… destroyed…” Yang growled through gritted teeth, holding back her anger.

_The sleeveless Insurrectionist uses his jetpack to escape. He gains his balance and flies off with the briefcase._

**Sleeveless Insurrectionist:**  Woah!

_Tex lands on the road and Carolina sprints past her._

“Let her go Tex. You won’t be able to catch up in time.” Weiss said. “Just let Carolina get the objective. You’ve done enough.”

_She leaps off the road and uses her grappling hook to keep up with the sleeveless soldier. She lands on a building and quickly jumps off of it. She lands on another building and sprints towards the soldier. She jumps, the force of it shattering the glass of the two buildings she’s jumping between. She tackles the Insurrectionist in midair and the two land on the road. She punches the soldier and the two begin to tumble all around the street, with Carolina sliding on the road. The soldier hits a truck and the briefcase detaches from his back. Carolina sees a car coming and curls up to slide underneath it. Part of her armor scrapes against the underside of the car, and she is sent flying through the air and her back hits a wall on the street._

“Oh! That has to hurt like a bitch…” Yang said as she winced.

“Well, it’s over.” Blake stated.

“Yeah! That was awesome!” Ruby cheered out. “But uh… where’s the case?”

_As Carolina stands her helmet detaches._

“Okay, now that’s just flat out creepy.” Ruby said as they stared at the screen. “She looks like an older Pyrrha!”

“Yeah, that is…” Weiss muttered as she looked on. “Maybe because she’s voice acting the character that they based her design off of her?”

“Nora’s voice is in the show and C.T. looks _nothing_ like her.” Blake pointed out. “Actually, none of the human characters look normal. Their eyes are too small.”

“What a weird animation style if they were going for realistic…” Yang noted. “But still, now it’s just getting flat out creepy with these voice cameos. I mean, dad, Oobleck, Ozpin, I completely forgot Tex is voiced by Goodwitch, and now Pyrrha and Nora? All these seemingly random people have voice acted for this show and none of them even said a word of it. So unless we get some answers from the source, either Rooster Teeth or one of the voice actors… I’m getting the feeling that not’s all right here.”

“This show’s getting creepier by the second…” Ruby mumbled as they continued watching. "Well, season."

_She sees the briefcase across from her, where Tex picks it up._

**Tex:**   _(over radio)_  Command, the package is secure. Headin' home.

“What the-Okay, she could catch up in time!” Weiss said, surprised by Tex’s sudden appearance.

“Son of a bitch…” Blake muttered out.

 **Director:**   _(over radio)_  Excellent work Agent Texas.

 **Tex:**   _(over radio)_  Thank you sir.

“Huh? She’s taking the credit!? After all that!? What the Hell!?” Ruby exclaimed.

“Just be glad Tex didn’t get the key until the end.” Yang sighed out. “She would’ve fucked it up. Plus, just because Tex’s taking the credit, doesn’t mean she’s better. We know who really got the package.”

“I don’t think that matters to her.” Blake sighed out.

 **Tex:** _(to Carolina)_  Better luck next time, Carolina.

“She has better luck than you. She will _always_ have better luck than you.” Ruby retorted. “Bitch.”

_Tex hops off the road. A Pelican approaches Carolina and descends. The back hatch opens where the other Freelancers are seen inside. York lends out his hand to Carolina in which she takes._

“And at least she has friends.” Weiss said with a smirk. “Well… until the Reds and Blues. In the future.”

“Carolina has _competent_ friends.” Blake pointed out before grimacing. “But then again, they’re all dead now while the Reds and Blues are still standing around and talking.”

“At the very least, that fight was intense!” Ruby spoke up. “Gotta give it up to the animators. They really went all out. And to think, it all started from a bunch of assholes in a boxed canyon, bitching and moaning about being in a boxed canyon with a bunch of assholes.”

“And it only gets better from here!” Yang called out. “Woo!”

“Yeah, they really improved the writing since then.” Blake admitted as she picked up the remote. “Now, let’s enjoy more of their masterful writing right now.” She said as she pressed play.

**(Labour Pains)**

**Grif:**   **Yeah you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck!**

“Masterful writing, right there!” Weiss called out mockingly as Blake just groaned and sighed.

“Okay, what the fuck is Grif doing…?” Blake wondered as she rubbed her forehead.

 **Tucker:**  Jesus, is that guy still yelling?

 **Church:**   _Yes_.

 **Tucker:**  He's been yelling all morning.

“Which is a surprising amount of effort on Grif’s part.” Ruby admitted.

 **Tex:**  Hhhh, we know.

 **Tucker:**  Make him stop.

 **Church:**  And how'm I gonna do that?

“You could just walk over to him and punch him in the face.” Yang suggested. “Won’t take long. Would probably start crying. Fun stuff.”

“He’d probably miss.” Weiss joked.

“He’d probably hit himself in the nuts.” Blake giggled.

 **Tucker:**  Shoot him with your snipe-

“Okay! Stop!” Ruby shouted out. “Stop what you’re saying and think about it for a second before you complete that complete failure of a sentence.”

“’Complete that complete failure of a sentence.’” Yang repeated slowly. “Yeah. That’s fine.”

_Tremor_

**Tucker:**  Ah, never mind, I realized how stupid that sounded as soon as I started to say it.

“Thank you!” Ruby said as she sighed in relief.

_Cut to Grif on the cliff. Simmons approaches him_

**Grif:**   **Hey, Blues, you still suck! Yeah, you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck!**

“Come on! Up the insults!” Yang complained. “Just saying ‘You Suck’ isn’t gonna have a lasting effect! At least call them a cunt. Or a gigolo (whatever that is) or…” Yang then pulled out a book titled _1001 Swears, Insults and Names You Can Shout at People You Hate Vol. 1_ and quickly went through it. “Or uh… _Knucklehead McSpazatron_? Huh. Okay.”

 **Simmons:**  Grif, what the hell are you doing up here?

 **Grif:**  I'm doing my job, Simmons.

“Yelling at the Blues may be important, but shouldn’t he be on the Internet looking up bomb-making?” Weiss asked.

“He probably got bored.” Blake guessed. “Or just looked at porn. Whatever it is, it certainly isn’t bomb-making.”

“I bet Sarge is waiting for the boom.” Ruby said.

_Tremor_

**Grif:**  I'm working on my part of the plan.

“Which involves yelling at the Blues?” Blake said, looking confused. “I thought Grif was the logical one.”

“Well, he isn’t the smart one, that’s for sure.” Weiss mumbled to herself. “No one in Blood Gulch ever was and ever will be.”

 **Simmons:**  I thought your part of the plan was to build a bomb?

 **Grif:**  Uh, yeah, but I don't know how to build a bomb.

“Only at your very own Build-A-Bomb near you.” Yang joked.

 **Simmons:**  Yeah, I know that, you don't know how to do anything.

“Except clean, if you were forgetting.” Ruby pointed out everyone shivered. “But I’m glad you forgot about that.”

“Amen.” The others agreed.

 **Grif:**  So, I'm yelling at the Blues - **You guys still suck!** \- until I make them mad enough to bomb our base - **Idiots!** \- So, not only will they make me a bomb, I'll get them to deliver it. For free. **You guys are lame, I hate you!**

“What makes you think they won’t just assault your base and shoot you?” Blake deadpanned, seeing a serious flaw in Grif’s plan. “Or how about Tex grabbing Church’s Sniper Rifle again and shooting you right now?”

“Because they don’t care enough to do it.” Yang replied. “Well… apart from Tex.”

“And uh… if they’re gonna give them a bomb for some reason, wouldn’t they arm it first?” Ruby pointed out. “There are, like, dozens of holes in this plan and I, for one, want to see how this clusterfuck unfolds.”

 **Simmons:**  That is actually the most sensible part of this plan I've heard so far. Your years of laziness have finally paid off in full, Private Grif.

“Or about to be wasted in a fiery explosion or a hail of bullets.” Weiss added in.

 **Grif:**  Thank you very much, Private Simmons. Now if you'll excuse me, somebody needs to be called a cunt.

“There is never a bad time to call someone a cunt if you need to.” Yang said happily.

“Even on stage in a large room full of children?” Blake asked, still ticked off about one of the many events they were kicked out of.

“No, on stage in a large room full of children _and_ parents!” Yang happily replied as her partner just face palmed. “It’s always best at family-friendly events.”

 **Simmons:**  As you were, soldier.

_Simmons leaves_

“Maybe he should join in.” Blake said. “He’s been saying ‘Suck It, Blue!’ for years at this point.”

 **Grif:**   **Hey you! Yeah, you! You dumb cunts! You suck!**

_Tremor begins..._

**Grif:**   **Hey** **up there, what're you talking about!? Huh Blue!? Are you talking about how bad you suck!?**

_...tremor ends_

“Insult their mothers!” Ruby called out. “Wait, that’s wrong! Insult their… fashion choices… That shade of blue fucking sucks, Tucker!”

“Tell them they like sucking each other’s dicks!” Weiss shouted out before quickly. “But not like there’s anything wrong with that! If they like sucking dick, that’s okay! Even if it’s not on the usual gender! J-Just say they like sucking dicks in a non-personal way!”

“Call Tex a cow!” Blake bellowed out. “Or a shark! Or a tiger! Or a lion! Walrus? Uh… Sheep? Puma? Blobfish? Wait, I know a few Faunus that are Blobfist so uh… Luvdisc?”

“Shout to them they’re a [BBBBLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPP] and they can [BBBBBBLLLLLEEEEEPPPPP] which they can shove [BLEEP] down their [BBBBBBLLLLLEEEEEPPPPP] and [BBBBBLLLLEEEEEEPPPP] then [BBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPPP] all the [BLEEP] King’s [BBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEPPPPPP] headphones, radio, television and [BLEEP] pastrami [BBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP] Com Truise masturbation [BBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEPPPPPPP] DAFILLENCREV! And something guttural like shisen-fuken-bork [BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEPPPPPP] beyond all hell and [BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP] West of Loathing [BBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPPPPP] East of Suffering [BBBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEEEPPPPPPP] North of Destruction [BBBBBBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEPPPPPPP] South of Teddy Bears with a misleading title [BBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEPPPPP] and when the heat death of the universe is stop by space alien shit from another universe we’ll [BBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP] crappy foreign chocolate for Christmas [BBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP] written only half way to Fuck Town [BBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP] butternut butter balls and dick!” Yang… kindly suggested as throughout the whole thing made exaggerated gestures and used various props. Ruby was quick enough to use the laptop to censor most of what Yang was saying for their (and your) sanity. “Firetruck!”

“I… I think that’s enough insult suggestions.” Weiss stated as Ruby and Blake nodded. “Forever.”

 **Grif:**   **Because that's what I'm doin'! I'm talking about it right here, only louder! Way louder! Because I'm yelling _Bluueee Teeeaam suuuucks!_ Hey Blue Team, why're you so sad? Is it because you suck so bad!? I THINK IT MIGHT BE!**

 **Tex:**   _That's it!_ I'm taking those fuckers out! Caboose, get my toolkit.

 **Grif:**  Woohoo! Success.

“Oh my God, it actually worked.” Blake said, staring at the screen with wide eyes.

“Wait a minute, Tex’s building the bomb?” Yang asked as she realized something. “Wait a minute, don’t tell me…”

_Grif flees. Cut to Blue Base some time later, with everyone gathered around a bomb._

“Andy!” The girls called out.

“Wow, haven’t seen him in a long time…” Ruby said with a chuckle, enjoying the nostalgia trip.

“Hopefully it’s Andy.” Weiss said. “And why are you so happy? Andy was a dickball.”

“Still, we haven’t seen him since the Blood Gulch Chronicles since, well, he blew up.” Blake said with a shrug.

“Yeah…” Yang said with a sigh, right before loading her gauntlets.

“Do not shoot the screen, Xiao Long!” Weiss shouted out, causing the Brawler to whine.

 **Church:**  What the hell is that?

 **Tex:**  That, is my bomb. You guys had an unused robot kit, so I used the parts from it to make this bad boy.

“A very sarcastic, very angry, very dickish bad boy.” Blake added in.

 **Church:**  Oh, robot kit, right. We don't need that now because, I never died. That makes sense.

“Yeah, it probably would’ve been a good idea to use it in the first place instead Lopez in hindsight…” Ruby admitted.

 **Caboose:**  Right. That was Andersmith's job.

“Oh my God, let that go Caboose.” Yang groaned. “Someone tell him he never existed.”

“If he did, I’d imagine him sounding like Professor Port.” Weiss admitted. “The name fits in my head.”

 **Church:**  Stop it.

 **Tucker:**  This thing doesn't look like a bomb. It looks like a basketball.

“Do you want Tex to paint it black and add a fuse on top?” Blake asked sarcastically.

 **Andy:**  Oh yeah? Well you don't look much like a soldier, dickhead.

“Well, at least his personality transferred over.” Ruby deadpanned. “Though, I wonder how Epsilon got Andy right? He never met him.”

“Something must’ve happened when Alpha-Church was with Epsilon.” Blake theorized. “A memory transfer or something. Would explain the flashes and stuff. They were exchanging memories.”

 **Tucker:**  Looks like a basketball, sounds like a fucking asshole. Great.

“A perfect description of the person they’re gonna send it to.” Yang said.

 **Tex:**  I had to include the voice synthesizer because it had the power unit. So now it can talk.

“Yeah, but why make it an asshole?” Ruby asked.

“Tex was probably having fun with it.” Weiss replied as she giggled. “Probably to annoy Church.”

 **Andy:**  In other words, you want me to blow stuff up, you're gonna have to blow me first.

“Out of a cannon? Sure!” Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Tucker:**  Well he's pleasant.

 **Tex:**  What do you expect? He's a bomb. You want him to be polite, or you want him to kill stuff?

“I wanna play bowling with it.” Ruby spoke up. “Or shot-put. As long as he doesn’t explode in my face, we’re good.”

 **Tucker:**  I want him to shut up.

 **Andy:**  Anybody care what I want? How 'bout Tucker's mother? Polishing me, twenty four-

 **Tucker:**  Fuck this, I'm out.

“And… rage quit!” Weiss called out.

“Using ‘Sex with your relatives’ jokes. That’s a low blow…” Blake said.

“Especially when they’re dead!” Yang added in.

_Tucker heads inside_

**Andy:**  Out! Just like I got outta your sister!

“Tex, just build a cannon and fire that shit at Red Base.” Ruby begged.

 **Tucker:**  Hey fuck you bowling ball!

 **Tex:**  Okay, let's plant this bad boy.

“Yeah… Grif really didn’t think this plan through.” Blake said.

 **Andy:**  Yeah, let's go!

“At least he’s happy to blow the Reds up.” Weiss noted. “But then again, he’s always been happy to blow shit up, regardless of what it is.”

 **Church:**  Hey uh, don't forget to lift with your legs Tex.

 **Tex:**  Yeah, I know how to lift jackass. I've been carrying this team the entire time I've been here.

“BURN!” Yang shouted out. “Wow, it has been a long time since I said that.”

“Really?” Blake asked.

“I don’t know, just felt like it was.” Yang replied as she shrugged her shoulders.

 **Tucker:**  I know I said I was leaving, but that was actually a really good burn. Zing!

“Hell, even Tucker admitted that was a good burn.” Weiss said. “And he’s been burning Church and Caboose for years.”

_Cut to the Reds_

**Sarge:**  Men, today is the day that will carry us to victory! Against the planet.

“That they’re trying to save.” Ruby added in. “With explosives.”

 **Simmons:**  You can't fight a planet!

“Tell that to…” Yang started before trailing off. “Okay, I was gonna make a joke about someone fighting a planet in a game or TV show but uh… that hasn’t happened as far as I know. You can kill an island, kill a zombie in the shape of a moon and gods but never kill the planet itself. …I want someone to make a game where the final boss is the planet.”

“I do remember I story I’ve read where someone _fucked_ a planet…” Blake mumbled to herself.

 **Sarge:**  Now I know there's been "nay-sayers" along the way, but thankfully we haven't listened to Simmons. We stuck to the plan. Donut, do we have our drilling spot?

 **Donut:**  Ready for action, Sir!

“In the deepest, darkest, wettest hole in Blood Gulch.” Weiss added in with a chuckle.

“Prepare for insertion down the cavity!” Ruby called out before bursting out laughing.

 **Sarge:**  Excellent! Grif, is the bomb ready?

 **Grif:**  Huhh, should be here... any minute?

“It’s being delivered from space, straight from Knulla Dig, the DIY Bomb Makers.” Yang joked. “You don’t even have put the damn thing together.”

“Yeah, and they already armed it for you to save you the trouble.” Blake said as she rolled her eyes.

 **Sarge:**  Perfect. And here's our drilling machine, that will take us to the center of the Earth! ...-like planet!

_Cut to reveal Sarge's drill_

“Whoa! What the fuck!?” Ruby blurted out, freaked out by the sudden appearance of Sarge’s drill.

“When did that get there!?” Weiss exclaimed.

“I have to admit, that’s pretty damn impressive how quick he made that.” Blake admitted.

“How is it just balancing on its tip!?” Yang called out, noting how the machine was completely breaking all laws of physics.

 **Donut:**  Wooow, it's huge! You built that?

 **Sarge:**  You know it.

 **Simmons:**  Sarge, even I have to admit that that's pretty amazing.

“Well, it’s hard to tell under all that senility and crazy.” Blake considered. “But there are the makings of a genius right there.”

“Actually, practically everyone from the BGC have some sort of hidden potential.” Weiss noted. “Caboose is crazy strong and good with Artificial Intelligences, Tucker’s a masterful swordsman and strategist, Grif’s more logical, can think on the fly and a stunt driver, Donut’s a natural grenadier, Sarge is really good at combat along with his knowledge of robotics and other machinery while also being a good leader when it comes down to it and Simmons…” Weiss then trailed off when she tried to think of Simmons’ hidden potential. “Uh… Simmons…”

“He’s… smart…?” Ruby guessed, despite heavy skepticism seeping into her voice. “…I think?”

“L-Loyalty?” Yang hazarded a guess. “Wait, no, wait…” the Brawler mumbled to herself as she remember all the times his loyalty to the Reds had been destroyed into a fine dust.

 **Grif:**  You know what's even more amazing? None of us saw it until he pointed it out to us.

“Maybe you guys should train a little in environmental awareness.” Yang suggested.

 **Sarge:**  Thanks, it took a lot of work and planning. I almost didn't get it done.

“You did it under 24 hours! By yourself!” Weiss called out. “A thing that sized should’ve taken weeks to just plan!”

 **Simmons:**  Where did you even get the materials to build this?

 **Sarge:**  I mined them using my excavator. That one.

“Excavator? What are you-“ Yang started before everyone’s jaws dropped to the ground at the next scene.

_Zoom out to reveals Sarge's humongous excavator_

“Holy shit…” The RWBYs got out, amazed by the size of the excavator.

 **Donut:**  What?

“The _fuck_!?” Ruby coughed out as she choked on her own spit. “What the fuck is that bullshit!?”

“Okay, now it’s just getting ridiculous…” Weiss groaned.

“You think it was getting ridiculous _now_!?” Blake exclaimed.

“Couldn’t Sarge just use the excavator to dig into the planet than the drill?” Yang pointed out.

 **Simmons:**  How did you build that?

“And how the fuck did you get the materials then!?” Weiss shouted out.

 **Sarge:**  I didn't. I ordered it online. Red Army Catalog.

“So he _asked for it_!?” Ruby yelled out. “Because, fuck, Sarge can’t have possibly have the fucking money to buy that shit on a Red Army salary.”

“Which is nothing.” Yang added in.

 **Simmons:**  But why didn't we just- hh, you know what, never mind.

 **Grif:**  Once again I have to say, none of us saw that until he pointed it out.

“ _Fourth Wall Breaking~_ ” Noire sang out before Blake covered her own mouth.

‘God, why did I give in again…?’ Blake groaned in her head.

 **Sarge:**  Alright men, it's time to put up, or shut up. Let's do this. Grif, we're gonna need that bomb.

_Tex appears, invisible, and then takes off_

“There’s the bomb.” Ruby said as she leaned in. “Armed and ready for your use. Or death. Either or.”

 **Grif:**  Uh, yeah, I uh, just- uh, give me a minute...

 **Sarge:**  Grif! Don't tell me that you didn't-

 **Andy:**  Heh ahem. Hi there.

“You know, it was awfully convenient that Tex managed to build the bomb and deliver it, just in time for the Red Team’s suicide mission.” Weiss said.

“Let’s just hope the timer’s long enough.” Blake muttered.

 **Grif:**  Ye'all right, there we go. One bomb as requested. You're welcome.

“And of course, no one is gonna wonder why a bomb suddenly appeared without as much as a whimper.” Yang said with a sigh.

“Pretty sure in the next thirty seconds there won’t be any whimpering.” Weiss said. “Probably more crying and screaming, the sounds of armour being soiled but no whimpering in the slightest.”

 **Sarge:**  Hah ha, great! I take back all the things I ever said about you Grif.

“And be prepared to take back the taking back.” Blake suggested.

 **Grif:**  My pleasure Sir.

 **Andy:**  Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!

“And now that pleasure is gonna be turned into unimaginable pain.” Ruby said in a fake sweet tone. “Before you die from the explosion.”

“10 Lien says he shoots him in the Grifballs.” Yang spoke up.

“Oh, we all know he’ll do it.” Weiss said. “We’d all do it given the chance.”

 **Sarge:**  Wuhhh, why is this bomb ticking?

_Andy continues ticking_

**Grif:**  Oh right, I didn't think that part of the plan through all the way I guess.

“Oh, you realize that _now_.” Ruby said in exasperation as she rolled her eyes.

 **Grif:** Uh, we're all gonna die now.

“You were all gonna die anyway regardless!” Weiss shouted out.

 **Sarge:**  Grif, I take back the takin' back.

“Really should’ve had Donut on bomb duty.” Yang sighed out.

_Cut to the Freelancer back story; a first-person view with lots of green outlining. The Director and Counselor are seen ordering around some soldiers, who are pushing the Sarcophagus._

“Okay, back to Freelancer.” Blake muttered as she leaned in. “I really don’t like this scene already…”

“That green border…” Ruby said quietly, silently hoping it wasn’t what she thinks it was.

 **Counselor:**  Keep it in its case, and don't let it touch anything else.

“Wh-Was that the Sarcophagus?” Yang asked incredulously. “Is something _alive_ in that thing!? What the Hell…”

“Why does Project Freelancer need whatever the fuck’s in the Sarcophagus?” Weiss wondered out loud. “What does it have to do with anything…!? Unless…”

 **Director:**  Hello there. Do you know your name?

 **Delta:**  I am confused.

“Delta.” The RWBYs said as they stared at the screen in horror.

“No… Oh God no…” Ruby whimpered out.

“Delta was the first A.I. fragment…” Weiss realized, just imagining the implications. “Oh God…”

“If shed away your logic first, there’s no stopping everything else.” Blake said in a grim tone.

“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!” Yang roared out, tears running down her eyes. “YOU SICK FUCKING BASTARDS!”

 **Counselor:**  Do not be concerned. That is completely natural given your state.

 **Delta:**  My state? Was I injured?

“You were never injured, Delta.” Ruby said sadly. “But someone else had to be broken for you.”

 **Counselor:**  No. Do you feel as though you have been injured?

 **Director:**  Counselor please. Do not be concerned. You are fine. You're safe.

“No you’re not!” The girls shouted out.

 **Director:** Once again, do you know your name?

 **Delta:**  Yes. I know my name. My name is Alpha.

“That’s not much of a surprise considering things…” Blake muttered. “Alpha, Beta… Wait, what comes after Beta again?”

 **Director:**  No, your name is not Alpha. You are mistaken.

 **Delta:**  I am sorry, I am confused.

“It’s just so sad to see Delta so confused…” Ruby lamented. “I mean, sure his birth was fucked up beyond all hell but just thinking about everything…”

“God, knowing the future sucks…” Yang groaned.

 **Counselor:**  Do not be concerned. This is perfectly normal given your state. Would you like to know your name?

 **Delta:**  Yes please. I would like to know my name. I feel very confused.

“I’m just wondering what kind of scenario would make the Alpha shed his logic.” Weiss said quietly, unable to comprehend such a horrible situation.

 **Director:**  Your name is Delta. That is your name.

 **Delta:**  Delta?

“Yeah. Delta, the fragment of logic.” Ruby whispered out.

 **Counselor:**  Yes. You are very wise, Delta. It is very nice to meet you.

 **Delta:**  I think I remember you.

“I guess some of the Alpha’s memories transferred over to the fragments.” Weiss theorized. “Which makes sense since South said back in Out of Mind, Epsilon’s implantation into Wash shut down the whole A.I. experimentation part of the program.”

“So that would make him the last A.I. ever created by Freelancer.” Blake spoke up. “And now he’s the _only_ A.I. created by Freelancer.”

 **Counselor:**  No, you have never met us before. You did not exist before today. Today is your birthday. Today is a great day.

“Today is the day where everyone starts to get fucked up the ass!” Yang yelled out.

“Like it wasn’t happening before.” Weiss pointed out.

 **Director:**  Do you know your name?

 **Delta:**  My name is Delta.

 **Director:**  That is correct.

“There’s nothing I’d rather do than fucking stab him in his non-existent the balls.” Blake said as she silently seethed.

 **Counselor:**  Delta, this is the Director. He is going to take good care of you.

“You know, until everything goes to shit and everyone dies because it’s his fault.” Ruby said.

 **Delta:**  I am glad to hear that. I am very confused.

 **Director:**  Don't worry Delta, that will not last long. And when you feel better, we are going to do incredible things together you and I. Incredible things.

“Incredibly destructive and utterly immoral things.” Yang added in as she sighed.

“Okay, well, we’re almost at the end. Two more episodes before the break.” Blake said as she stretched her muscles. “Ugh… It feels likes I haven’t moved in days.”

“That’s because you have.” Weiss deadpanned. “You played that dumb farming game for days without sleep. Speaking of sleep, we should probably check up on the JNPRs after this season. Thank God for the laptop or else we’ll have a real food shortage.”

“Still kinda can’t believe we have this reality-bending magic laptop and all we’ve been using it for is fucking with each other, food and dumb things.” Ruby said. “Then again, we’d probably break the universe if we abused it. I mean, with it we can literally be Gods but I guess pranks and laziness is good enough.”

“Eh, godhood’s overrated.” Yang said off-handedly as she picked up the remote. “Power gets boring after a while after all. And the corrupt, well, they’ll get what’s coming to them eventually. Like the Director. Now, let’s move on!” The Brawler called out as she pressed play.

**(Whole Lot of Shaking)**

_Scene opens up at Red Base, with Simmons, Grif, Sarge, Donut and Andy. Grif is running back and forth behind Donut and Simmons._

“Ah, the typical Red Team morning meeting. Such a peaceful event.” Weiss said sarcastically.

“This is what you get for relying on Grif for the important stuff.” Blake said. “I mean, have they learned _nothing_ from Grif forgetting ammo or the fact he sold it to the other team!?”

“Then again, none of that stuff happened for the Epsilon-Reds.” Ruby pointed out. “Still, they would’ve had a clue that Grif would try to weasel his way out of work since his personality change.”

 **Andy:**  30, 29, 28...

 **Donut:**  Ah! We're all gonna die!

“Girlier soldier! It has to be dramatic!” Yang ordered while doing an impression of Sarge.

_Grif stops running._

**Grif:**  More importantly, I'm going to die! That's the worst part!

“No, I think that’s the best part about this entire thing.” Weiss deadpanned. “Your stupidity led to this entire thing, jackass!”

_Grif resumes running back and forth._

**Sarge:**  Men, remain calm. This is no time to panic.

“There is enough time to crawl into a fetal position and cry.” Blake kindly suggested.

“Also peeing your pants is a good way to spend your last few moments.” Yang added in.

 **Andy:**  25, 24...

 **Simmons:**  Sir, the world is shaking apart,

“The Epsilon Unit’s gonna fail at any moment at this point.” Ruby said in a sad tone. “And this is either happening before or after the unit traps him inside. Even if Church finds his closure in time, there’s no way he’s gonna leave. It’s all going to go to waste!”

“Just believe in him. He can do it.” Weiss encouraged, despite her own doubts.

 **Andy:** 23!

 **Simmons:** The ground is opening up to swallow us and we're holding a bomb that will blow us all up before any of that happens.

“Or… they’ll time travel.” Yang added in.

 _Rock falls in the background_.

“Again, that was oddly, conveniently timed.” Blake muttered.

 **Simmons:** I submit to you that if there is any time to panic, this is that time!

“You could always roll it away.” Ruby spoke up. “Or have someone carry it while everyone runs away from the blast radius. Seriously there’s, like, a million ways for them to not blow up right now.”

“Put it in the Donut Hole if you have to!” Yang called out.

 **Andy:**  20, 19, 18...

 **Sarge:**  You're right, Simmons!

“Now, run and scream like a child running away from a pedophile clown in a horror movie!” Weiss called out.

“And that was an oddly specific metaphor.” Blake noted.

 **Grif:**  I guess this is it everyone!

 **Simmons:**  Does anyone have anything they wanna say?

“Grif! Say that you don’t respect or have any positive feelings for Sarge! Donut, hurry up and tell us your sexual orientation! Seriously, your personality and hobbies is only empowering the stereotype! At least be bisexual! Sarge, shoot Grif! And Simmons…” Ruby yelled out before pausing at Simmons. “Uh… do math? Right this time!”

“No wonder Epsilon nailed him the first time…” Weiss mumbled before sighing.

 **Donut:**  I do! Whoa, gosh, this is such an honor! I have so many people to thank. All the little people-

 **Simmons:**   _Donut_! This is not the time for your pre-rehearsed academy award speech!

“Eh, use it or lose it.” Yang said off-handedly.

 **Donut:**  Well, if I don't use it now, when am I going to?

“Pretty sure some devil or angel’s gonna use that speech when he/she gets his/her award for finally killing Donut-fuck!” Ruby swore. “Forgot Donut died in the real world.” The girls sighed sadly as they were reminded of his untimely death before going back to watching.

 **Andy:**  10, 9, 8...

 **Sarge:**  Men, it's been an honor to serve with you, and I say that using the loosest possible definition of both the words honor and serve.

“And the word ‘men’!” Weiss quickly added in.

 **Andy:**  6, 5...

“Okay, I’m pretty sure this is way past thirty seconds.” Blake guessed. “Actually, it has been… exactly a minute.”

“BLOW UP ALREADY!” Yang yelled out.

_Grif stops running momentarily, speaks, then resumes his running once again._

**Grif:**  My only regret is that I don't have more regrets!

“That… Um… Okay, I guess?” Blake said, not really understanding Grif and why he wanted more regrets. “Good for you?”

 **Andy:**  4! 3!

“Oh my God, hurry up.” Yang complained. “This is the longest thirty seconds ever.”

“Of all time.” Weiss couldn’t help but say before groaning.

 **Simmons:**  Well, if I'm gonna die, then I may as well be honest; ( _tremor_ ) I never respected any of you, I thought I was better than all of you this entire time, I think my skills were underappreciated and I wasted my life knowing all of you. In a way, I'm sad to die but I'm glad knowing none of you will live either. There, I said it.

“…Dude, that’s kinda harsh.” Ruby said. “Understandable, considering the whole Lopez thing, but harsh.”

“Yeah… Though, we should’ve expected it from the real Simmons too.” Blake said.

**Andy: 1!**

“Two words!” Yang called out. “Starts with Ka… Ends in Boom…!”

 **Andy:** Kaboom!

The girl visibly flinched, waiting for the explosion. After waiting a few seconds, they realized nothing had happened so they hesitantly looked at the screen.

_Nothing happens._

“Where’s the boom? I was expecting a boom boom death explosion!” Ruby complained.

 **Andy:**...Uh, wait, uh, ka- ugh, damn it! Ergh! Ergh! Kaboom! Uh, huh.

_Earth begins quaking, then quickly stops._

“Not even a fizzle?” Blake asked, staring at the screen. “Not even a tick?”

“Dude, I think Andy the Bomb just doesn’t have it in him.” Yang said before chuckling. “Haw haw! All talk, no bite!”

“No boom, in this case.” Weiss said.

 **Donut** : The bomb was a dud?

 **Andy:**  I-I-I swear that's never happened before.

“You tell all the ladies that.” Yang said as she rolled her eyes before laughing. “Oh God, that’s hilarious!”

“I guess that Robot Kit didn’t come with explosives.” Ruby guessed.

 **Sarge:**  So, did you want to finish your thought there, Simmons?

“Oh… right…” Weiss said, remembering Simmons’ little speech.

“This is like the whole Minefield thing back in Recreation…” Blake sighed. “Uh… You may wanna move out of face-stabbing range, Simmons. Maybe move away from Sarge’s primary weapon’s range as well.”

“Well, considering they were all gonna die anyway…” Yang said before trailing off.

_Simmons looks at Sarge while Grif and Donut look at Simmons._

**Simmons:**  Well, this is awkward.

 **Andy** : Yeah, tell me about it.

“Uh, I think Tex should be more embarrassed that her bomb was a complete failure.” Ruby stated. “She should’ve noticed from the distinct lack of a mushroom cloud.”

_Cut to Blue Base. Tucker, Caboose, Church and Tex are all present._

**Tucker** : Okay, we're all set!

 **Caboose** : Okay, I'm driving.

“I hope the tank’s not an automatic.” Yang said.

“Still wondering how Caboose can only drive stick.” Weiss muttered. “Or how he managed to learn how to drive in the first place.”

 **Tucker** : What? Fuck no!

 **Tex** : C'mon Church, get in!

 **Church** : I'm not coming.

“Wait, what!?” Ruby exclaimed.

“He knows there’s no escaping the end of the unit. Guess he’s facing his death with dignity.” Blake said sadly, causing the rest to sigh.

 **Tucker** : You're not?

“Just let him go, Tucker.” Ruby said in a grim tone before smiling. “How about go on one last adventure? Heard there’s a giant sword waiting to be used.”

“And an alien race in the middle of mating season.” Weiss giggled out.

 **Church** : Nah, you guys go. Good luck. I don't know how much time we have left. I think I'd rather spend it someplace I like. Oh, and if you see Agent Washington, do me a favor and tell him I said "Memory is the key." He'll know what that means. Oh, and also, tell him I said thanks. Good luck guys.

 **Tex** : Well, I'm going. You can sit around ‘til the world ends but as long as I'm here, there's something I can do about it.

“Tex, there are some things you can’t change, sometimes you aren’t powerful enough to do anything.” Blake said. “I thought you of all people would realize that.”

 **Church** : Tex, I wouldn't expect anything less.

 **Caboose** : Church, I-

_Large tremor_

“Welp, no time for good-byes! Get your asses out of there!” Yang called out.

 **Tucker** : Ah, crap!

 **Tex** : This tank needs to move, right now!

_Cut to Red Base._

“And… back to the Reds doing absolutely nothing for self-preservation.” Weiss sighed out.

 **Sarge** : Everyone, get in the digger!

 **Simmons** : It's no use, Sarge, there's no time!

“There’s always enough time in situations like this.” Blake deadpanned. “Plus, I don’t think the drill’s gonna be enough to protect them from the end of the planet.”

 **Donut** : Repent! Repent! Give up your evil ways! The end is nigh!

 **Simmons** : Oh shut up, Donut!

“Yeah, stuff like that’s annoying.” Ruby said.

 **Grif** : Yeah, did you suddenly find God or something?

 **Donut** : Yeah, I've never been much for religion. But I figure I can get it just under the wire. Why not change my bet?

“That is not gonna give you a free ticket to Heaven.” Yang said in a flat tone.

 **Grif** : Calm down. The world is not ending. Everything will be just fine. Everyone always thinks the world's gonna end during their lifetime, but the truth is none of us are that cool or interesting, so get over it.

“Grif, the world is breaking apart around you and you think the world still won’t end!? Seriously!?” Weiss exclaimed.

“Meh, some people will take the apocalypse in their stride.” Yang said with a shrug.

 **Simmons** : At the current rate of decay, the world will shake itself apart in just a few minutes!

“I’m sure that’s plenty of time to get into the drill and burrow your way into the planet.” Ruby guessed. “Then you can live as Mole People!”

“Please don’t remind me about the Mole People…” Blake said as she pinched the bridge of her nose while everyone else just groaned.

 **Andy** : Hey, does this team's health insurance plan cover the apocalypse?

“I don’t think anyone in the Simulation Trooper program have insurance.” Yang said.

 **Grif** : Oh, give it a rest, Andy.

_Cut to Freelancer base, in the middle of what looks like a locker room. Agents New York and North Dakota are present._

“Oh boy, this thing is gonna go south so fast…” Blake groaned as she rubbed her forehead.

 **North** : List changed again.

 **York** : Yep, lots of things changing these days.

“All in the name of progress and assholery and to eventually screw everyone over.” Weiss grumbled.

_York opens his locker and pulls out his old, broken helmet and looks at it._

“Yeah, those are not good memories…” Ruby said as she winced.

 **York** : I think we've got more change on the way.

_York then throws the old helmet in the “Armor Processing Out” bin_

**North** : You feel it, too?

“Oh yeah, definitely.” Blake replied. “Especially with the introduction of A.I. soon.”

 **York:**  I felt it since Texas showed up and when cops and military started shooting at us, yeah, I find that I just keep coming back to the same question in my head over and over again.

“So they’re finally starting to realize something’s not right with the Project, huh?” Weiss said.

“That means there’s gonna be lines drawn.” Ruby said sadly. “Between the ones that believe the Director has given them everything…”

“And the ones who know the Director’s gonna take it all away.” Yang finished.

 **North** : And what question is that?

 **York** : We're the good guys, right?

 **North** : Yeah, 'course we are.

“Really…? After all that shit?” Ruby questioned.

“North doesn’t sound too sure himself, you know.” Weiss stated.

 **York** : You don't sound so sure of yourself.

 **North** : No, no I suppose I don't.

“And yet, they’re still gonna keep doing what they’re doing…” Blake sighed.

“Until everything comes crashing down around them.” Yang said as she shook her head.

_South walks past the ranking board, looks at it, then storms out._

“And in less important news: South is off the leaderboard.” Weiss announced.

“She’s lucky she was _on_ the leaderboard. She’s at least considered as one of the best Freelancers out of dozens. Why the fuck are you complaining!?” Yang shouted out.

“Because she isn’t Number One.” Blake replied.

_C.T. is at a monitor, talking to an Insurrectionist._

“Wait…” Ruby said as she leaned in. “What the…”

 **C.T.** : I'm trying. I understand, I-I just need more time to-

“Holy shit, that’s an Insurrectionist.” Weiss realized. “Why is she…”

“She’s a mole.” Blake realized. “She’s feeding the Insurrection information because she knows what the Director is really doing. She’s the reason why Wash had to go to Internals back in the first couple of episodes of the season.”

“That’s probably why she gets killed in the future…” Yang said sadly. “Damn it!”

_C.T. looks over to find Agent Washington walk up and look at her._

**C.T.** : I have to go.

“Shepard.” Weiss said while doing a fake salute.

_Monitor shuts off_

**C.T.:** What're you looking at? Mind your own business.

 **Washington** : I should say the same.

“Ugh… I really don’t like Pre-Fall Wash sounding like Revelations Wash.” Yang said with a wince.

_C.T. storms out._

“Looks like Project Freelancer was starting to breakdown after the Sarcophagus mission.” Blake murmured. “And that is something I am not willing to see.”

_Cut to Blood Gulch, Caboose and Tucker are driving around inside Sheila._

**Caboose** : Punch it, Tucker!

 **Tucker** : I am punching it!

“Try shooting it! It always works!” Ruby called out.

 **Caboose** : Well, punch it harder! Wait, try kicking it!

“And kick that shit into high gear!” Yang said proudly.

“I’m pretty sure tanks don’t have a PRNDL.” Weiss pointed out.

“Wait, the _what_?” Blake asked, already laughing at the Heiress as Yang’s eye twitched.

“Yeah, never learned the real term for the stick thing in a car so I just call it a PRNDL.” Weiss answered.

“It’s called a gear shift…” Yang growled.

“Oh…” Weiss said, blushing a little at her own little moment of stupidity. “Still prefer PRNDL.”

 **Tucker** : Caboose, this is as fast as this thing gets. It's a tank, not a fucking Lamborghini!

“Pfft…!” Yang scoffed at the statement. “Give me time, some elbow grease and about a small loan of 300,000 and we’ll see about that.”

 **Church** : Good luck guys.

 **Tex** : So, think they'll make it?

“Oh, I’m sure they’ll make it no problem.” Ruby said with a smile. “They’re part of a group of the most un-killable son of the bitches in the galaxy.”

 **Church** : Oh, I think they have enough time to squeeze in one last adventure. Can't really ask for more than that, can you?

“Yeah, spending the last of your days having a grand adventure.” Weiss said with a giggle. “Can’t think of another way to spend it. Well, preferably with people you don’t hate.”

 **Tex** : Suppose not.

 **Church** : So, you decided to stay?

“Yeah, why? I thought you could do something about the Epsilon Unit.” Blake wondered, her eyebrow raised.

 **Tex** : Yeah.

 **Church** : Finally gave in and believed me, eh?

 **Tex** : Ah, not exactly. I just figured you haven't steered me wrong so far, why bet against a streak?

“Aw… That’s a fucking lie.”  Ruby said with a soft smile on her face. “You care about him, don’t you?”

“Well, better to die with loved ones.” Weiss spoke up with a shrug. “Despite everything and the general creepiness of their relationship, I guess they do love each other.”

“Even though it’s far from it, they started this ride together, may as well it see it to the end.” Blake said.

 **Church** : Well, come sit with me then. I got some great seats for the end of the world. I saved you one.

“Wanna a beer with that?” Yang asked as she chuckled, despite crying.

 **Tex** : Okay. Sure you wanna do this?

 **Church** : Yeah, you know it took a couple versions of me to understand it but I think sometimes, sometimes you just gotta let go. And if you do, the things you let go can sometimes come back on their own. They did today.

“I guess he finally learned from his monologue from last season, huh.” Blake said.

“I guess so.” Weiss replied.

 **Tex** : Wow, guess the theory has proven right then. Nick of time.

 **Church** : Yeah, I guess it was.

“Better late than never…” Ruby added.

 **Tex** : Any regrets?

 **Church** : Eh, a few. Probably should've learned how to use this damn sniper rifle.

 **Tex** : You guys did have a lot of down time. Could've practiced, I don't know, once or twice.

“Meh, you’d need more time than that.” Yang said. “Besides, you probably won’t need it. There has been enough death to last a lifetime, three times over.

 **Church** : Well, what can I tell you? Had other things on my mind, I guess.

“And all you had to do is shed them away.” Ruby finished as the episode ended. “Oh… the next episode’s gonna be really sad, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, they’re setting up this and probably the next season to be much more emotional than the last.” Weiss replied.

“And this feels so far from the first season it’s unbelievable.” Blake commented. “And yet… kinda feels the same, still dealing with the same idiots that wondered why they were there in the first place.”

“I really hope Season 10 will top everything else.” Yang admitted. “I wanna see where this entire thing goes after all this. God, the anticipation’s killing me Ruby! Hurry up and start.”

“Alright! It’s been a long season and a lot of stuff has happened, from Church and his time in the Epsilon Unit and the rise and fall of Project Freelancer. It’s been a long road since the Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1, and now it’s almost time to move on! After this, we’re on the home stretch!” Ruby declared before picking up the remote. “Now, let’s finish Red vs. Blue: Season 9!” She called out before pressing play.

**(Hate to Say Goodbye)**

_Fade in to tremors, and the sky literally splitting open like a seam revealing some sort of room. Cut to the Reds looking up from below._

“Oh…! That’s not good…” Yang said as she winced. Meanwhile, Weiss narrowed her eyes.

“Um… Is that supposed to happen?” Weiss thought out loud as she studied the crack. “That doesn’t look like the snowbank at Sidewinder.”

“It’s probably because the Epsilon Unit is destroying itself. Ripping itself apart.” Ruby guessed as she sighed sadly. “I guess this is it.”

“I’m gonna miss Church…” Blake whispered to herself.

 **Sarge:**  Double rainbow? What is that?

 **Simmons:**  Some kinda crack. The atmosphere must be breaking apart!

“No… wait a minute…” Weiss muttered. “That doesn’t look like space… It kinda looks like…”

 **Donut:**  Repent, repent, the end is here!

“Oh, shut up Donut!” Yang yelled out. “Everyone knows the Reds won’t repent for shit! Actually, they’d probably sin even more! End of the world, motherfucker!”

 **Grif:**  Well, I'll be in my bunk. Gonna catch some Z's. See you guys.

_Grif walks off_

**Simmons:**  You're choosing to die while taking a nap.

“Uh… at least he’ll die in peace.” Blake said with a shrug. “Well, until he gets rocked off his bunk, or he can’t sleep, or gets crushed by a rock or something. Whatever.”

“Well, he’ll die as he lived.” Ruby said. “Doing sweet F.A.”

 **Grif:**  It's how I lived, Simmons. It's how I lived.

“Amen to that, fatso.” Yang said as she did a half-assed salute.

 **Sarge:**  You know, in some weird way, I actually respect that. Adios, dirtbag.

“Now hurry up and face death with dignity, already!” Weiss shouted out. “You can’t let the planet win! Shoot yourself before it does!”

“Seppuku, motherfucker!” Blake called out.

_More tremors, and the sky splits open further. Cut to Tex and Church at Blue base._

**Tex:**  I guess this is it.

“The end of an era.” Ruby said. “Finally… no one can abuse the power of A.I. and Church can finally rest after everything. Sad, but nice.”

 **Church:**  Hey Tex, there's something I need to tell you. I think it's important that I say this.

 **Tex:**  Wait a second. Look, I can take the whole 'at peace with the world' thing, and I can even stomach all the ‘accept your fate’ stuff. But... just do me a favor, okay? Don't say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I mean, we are space warriors, right? We should try to maintain some level of credibility.

“No… No, you’re not.” Blake stated as she shook her head. “That doesn’t matter anymore. Project Freelancer, the past, the future, who you are… it doesn’t matter. All you two are… are just a man and a woman, just waiting for the world to end.”

“They should really share a beer together.” Yang said.

“Plus… it’s good time. Now it’s the time to say good-bye.” Ruby said as she started wiping away tears.

_As Tex is talking, the camera zooms in on Church_

**Church:**  No, no, no, Tex, no. I think I just figured out what the Director couldn't. And Alpha either. It was you, Tex, all along. See I thought- I thought _we_ , made _you_. The Director, and the fragments... but that's not the case. You made us. When the Alpha was created, you just kinda came along for the ride. You gave the Director the idea that he could make something more. That he could split the Alpha up. Don't you get it? You were the memory. You were the key. You were so strong; you made a whole other person. _God_ \- he always wanted to find you. You know, to get you right. To just see you one last time. And he wanted me to be able to do the same. To find you in here or… To find you in here or just, go down another iteration. Figure out this little Tex problem. Figure out how to do it right. But now I know. I know how to fix all o' this. How to end it once and for all.

“End it…?” Ruby asked quietly.

“This is… he’s gonna the cycle…” Weiss realized, her eyes watering.

“But how, Weiss?” Blake sniffled.

“Oh God… Church…” Yang said as she let tears flow down her cheeks.

 **Church:** It was so simple all along. I just had to tell you three words. Three words I wasn't capable of telling you before.

 **Tex:**  ( _off screen_ ) Oh, okay, wait a minute... are you gonna say "I love you?"

“Because that’s gonna be kinda cliché…” Ruby muttered. “But please… just end it already…”

 **Church:**  No Tex, no, I'm not gonna say I love you. ...I'm gonna say I forget you.

“What?” The RWBYs said softly as their eyes widened.

_There's a tremor, and the camera pulls back so we can see that Church is now alone on top of the base._

“Sh-She’s… gone…” Ruby mumbled, her body shivering and Weiss just started crying on her shoulder.

“Goddammit…” Weiss managed to get out.

“He… knows they’ll never get Allison, the real Tex back… so he let her go… for her memory to be at peace…” Blake said in realization. It didn’t stop her from crying as well.

“After all this time…” Yang sobbed. “He finally did it… Good for you, Church…”

 **Church:**  I forget you. I'm letting you go. ...Okay world, do your fucking worst! 'Cause I sure as hell just did mine.

“Bring it on!” The RWBYs shouted out, tears on their faces, all deciding it was time for Epsilon to go to rest as well.

_All of a sudden, a voice from the void, full of echo as if answering his request._

**Caboose:**  ( _off screen_ ) It's opening! It's working!

“*hic* Wait a second…” Ruby said as she wiped her tears away. “Wait, what?”

“Was that… I thought he went with Tucker!?” Weiss exclaimed.

“I don’t think this is what he meant by do your worst…” Blake said.

“Oh… fuck…” Yang swore.

 **Church:**  What the fuck was that?

_Cut to a view of the sky, and giant, real world Caboose is looking down through the crack._

**Caboose:**  U- I see him! I see him, he's in there. He's okay!

“OH MY GOD! CABOOSE IS FUCKING GOD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” Yang screamed out in a panic.

“Hey, wait a minute, YANG! It’s only a-” Weiss started before wincing as her teammate crashed through the wall to exit the theatre. “There’s a fucking door right next you, dumbass!”

“Wh-What’s happening!?” Ruby exclaimed, unable to comprehend the situation.

“Oh dear Lord, no…” Blake groaned as she rubbed her forehead.

_Cut to the Reds_

**Epsilon-Sarge:**  Is that Caboose?

 **Epsilon-Simmons:**  Is Caboose... God? I mean, I can kinda see it now that I think about it. Sure would explain the fuck outta the platypus.

“What the fuck is happening!?” Yang shouted out as she crashed through the wall again, right next to the hole she made previously and jumped into her seat. “Wh-What about the unit!? Shouldn’t it be failing!?”

“I don’t think it’s failing anymore…” Blake replied.

 **Epsilon-Sarge:**  Well, that's just great. Caboose is God. I guess that makes me the first person in the history of the Universe that doesn't wanna go to Heaven. Hhgh, great job Blue Team. You find a way to make everything suck.

“What the shit!?” Weiss continued to curse and swear as she tried to process what was happening. “I mean, what the fuck!?”

_Cut back to the sky, and giant, real world Sarge is shoving giant Caboose out of the way_

**Sarge:**  What? Let me see, moron. It's just a bunch o' circuits.

 **Caboose:**  Yeah but they're glowing. He's alive!

“Hold on… oh fuck…! Don’t tell me…” Ruby said in disbelief.

_Back down to the mini-world Reds_

**Epsilon-Simmons:**  Um, Sarge? What're you doing up there?

 **Epsilon-Sarge:**  What? Is that me? And more importantly, why am I talking with a Blue? Attention enormous version of myself! I order you to attack!

“That’s… oh fuck… oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck!” Yang shouted out as she punched the nearest thing as Weiss came to the same conclusion.

“YOU STUPID GOD DAMN IDIOTS!” Weiss yelled out. “YOU JUST FUCKING WASTED A LIFE, YOU DICKS!”

_Cut to Church_

**Church:**  No. NO! The memory unit isn't dying! This isn't the end of the world - it's a fucking rescue mission. NO!

“Do not pull him out! He can save this!” Ruby called out. “Tex isn’t really gone! It’s like a computer thing! It isn’t really gone unless you completely format it! Just give him a bit more time!”

_Cut to real world Sarge_

**Sarge:**  Well get him outta there.

“This is gonna suck nut…” Ruby groaned.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” Weiss swore. “He was so close to peace! And now they ruined it! NO!”

“He is not gonna be happy about this…” Blake said.

“Tex’s death… it was worthless…” Yang said tonelessly. “Everything that happened in the unit doesn’t mean anything now…”

_And to Church_

**Church:**  No, no, stop! Stop it, leave me here!

“Just when he thought he was out, he’s straight back in!” Ruby called out. “Double fried, motherfucker! Tastes better that way.”

“And… now I’m hungry for fried chicken…” Yang grumbled.

_Church vanishes from inside the memory unit, and we cut to the Freelancer back story, with Carolina looking at the leaderboard. Tex is now in first place while Carolina is in second._

“Ugh… Really don’t wanna deal with Freelancer bullshit right now…” Blake groaned.

“And I definitely don’t wanna deal with seeing the Director…” Weiss growled.

 **Director:**  Our next phase is ready to begin, Carolina. We will be asking you to do a great, many things.

 **Carolina:**  I'm ready Sir.

 **Director:**  Some of these things might be... questionable.

“Oh, finally they’re up front with _something_.” Yang snorted. “Now all they have to do for complete transparency is admit they’re torturing an A.I., doing all this shit because the Director couldn’t let go, and oh, they’re fucking committing several war crimes every time they go out and kill stuff.”

“Fuck you, Director!” Ruby shouted out as she flipped off the screen.

 **Carolina:**  I'll do whatever it takes. You've given me everything. I would do anything for you.

“Yeah, and to be better than Tex… bitch.” Blake grumbled.

_Fade back to the present day, in a room where real world Caboose and Sarge were in, standing over the memory unit, as ghost Church fades into being._

**Church:**  No, no, dammit! Whyhyhy? Why did you do it?

“Uh… where the fuck are they?” Ruby asked.

“I’m guessing they’re in evidence storage, if that guy from last season can be trusted.” Weiss replied. “I mean, I’m kinda glad they went all this way to get him out but they couldn’t have had to pick a worse time! Church just killed Tex!”

“Still, uh… good to see the real Sarge and Caboose again.” Blake admitted.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna erase this entire season from mind…” Yang muttered.

 **Caboose:**  Church, you're alive! See-I knew it. See I told them! And she was right! We could get you out!

“Uh… ‘She’? What?” Blake asked, looking confused.

 **Sarge:**  Alright then, we're square Blue. We helped you get your shiny blue buddy out, so that makes us-

 **Church:**  What're you doing here?

 **Caboose:**  U-Saving you. Y-We found you in the place where they were keeping you and we traveled a really _really_ long way to come to this place, and fought a bunch of people, and then fought a bunch of more people, and then we got you and took you and saved you, the end.

“So you _fought through a military base_!?” Ruby exclaimed. “With only you two, Grif, Simmons and Tucker!? Holy shit…”

“Say what you will about the BGC, but they when they have a goal they’re gonna see it to the end.” Yang stated.

“Plus, we’ve seen their security. It isn’t that great to be honest.” Blake said.

 **Church:**  But why would you do that? Why!?

 **Sarge:**  Well, clearly it wasn't to hear 'thank you'.

“Because you’re an ally and a friend. End of discussion.” Weiss said. “Plus, it was probably a favour or something. Maybe the result of a bet. I can’t imagine how lucky Caboose is.”

 **Grif:**  ( _off screen_ ) Hey, we're taking fire out here!

 **Church:**  Thank you? You fucked everything up! I was at peace - I had it figured out, it was over! Put me back!

“Yeah, but uh… Just what the fuck’s happening!?” Yang shouted out. “And why aren’t you hurrying this up!? Your friends are getting killed out there!”

 **Sarge:**  Put you back? Buddy, we just fought through an entire military base to reach you. And now you wanna go back?

 **Church:**  YES!

“Yeah, but then you’d just be going through your memories over and over…” Ruby pointed out. “And that gets boring eventually. Just accept you were saved against your will.”

“Never thought I’d hear that sentence…” Blake mumbled.

 **Caboose:**  She said we need you. She was the one who knew how to get you out.

“Again with this woman… Who the Hell are you talking about Caboose!?” Weiss called out.

 **Church:**  She? Who're you- who're you talking about, Tex? The real Tex?

“Uh… the real Tex is kinda dead… for a very long time in fact…” Yang said. “Just where is this leading to?”

 **Caboose:**  Tex? No, no not Tex. The new lady.

“New lady!?” The RWBYs exclaimed in unison. “Who the fuck’s the new lady!?”

 **Church:**  New lady?

_A door slides open, with “the new lady” entering the scene._

“I’m guessing _that’s_ the new lady.” Yang said.

 **New Lady:**  Hey there, Alpha. Been looking for you for a long time.

“Wait a minute… no…” Ruby said in disbelief, instantly recognizing the voice.

“H-How!?” Weiss exclaimed.

 **Church:**  Oh no.

 **New Lady:**  Now that I've found you, you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago.

“Oh my God…” Blake said quietly.

“It… It can’t be… no way… It shouldn’t be possible!” Yang managed to get out as she processed the information.

“But it is…” Ruby said as she looked at the screen. “That’s Carolina… Carolina’s fucking alive!”

 **Carolina:** You're gonna help me kill the Director.

“Wait, WHAT!?” The RWBYs exclaimed. This was in stark contrast of the CGI scene that was only minutes before.

“…But Church can’t shoot.” Yang deadpanned.

 **Red vs. Blue**  
Season 9  
A Rooster Teeth Production

“Holy shit…” Ruby managed to get out as the credits rolled. “I… I thought Carolina died because she installed two A.I. in her head, and we’ve seen how _three_ did in Caboose’s. She should’ve at least had some sort brain damage but it looks like she’s perfectly fine!”

“Now I’m just wondering how the Hell Carolina managed to contact the Reds and Blues…” Weiss mumbled. “I mean, they should’ve been at either Blood Gulch or Valhalla by then…”

“Wait, didn’t Wash join the Blues?” Blake pointed out. “I completely forgot about him joining, but maybe she managed to track Wash down.”

“But… Wash is supposed to be dead in Command’s eyes.” Yang said. “I doubt he would be careless enough to even _hint_ that he wasn’t a Blue.”

“Well, whatever happened, Season 10 is being set up to be one of the best seasons yet!” Ruby said. “I mean, I admit the CGI, while impressive just looked… off to me. Like, human faces weren’t that great, to be honest but the action sequences were fucking awesome. If the Freelancers were in Remnant, they probably wouldn’t even need weapons to kick ass. They had the style and fluidity of a Huntsman and Huntress.”

“Yeah, and although it’s a minor thing, the Freelancer’s armour didn’t exactly fit their bodies. You could see the space between their chestplate and body.” Yang said. “Also, kinda noticed how flat Carolina is.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing compared to Pyrrha’s bust size.” Blake admitted. “I mean, the amount of cleavage she shows is really something. I’m actually surprised she actually wears a bra underneath the armour.”

“Hey, you think Pyrrha’s nipples are really brown? I mean, Noire’s Photoshop job is scarily accurate even before really meeting us.” Yang said. “I also kinda wonder if she pierced them because I imagine when she’s all alone she would-“

“Please stop talking about my breasts.” A voice begged from behind them. The RWBYs turned around, only to see Pyrrha at the doorway while the rest of the JNPRs were looking around in amazement of the theatre they made out of their dorm room.

“Dude, where did you have the time!?” Jaune exclaimed.

“I think they had plenty of time over the summer…” Ren pointed out.

“Oh! Popcorn!” Nora called out as she ran up to Yang and stole her never-ending popcorn bucket.

“So… do you mind explaining to us what the fuck happened here?” Pyrrha asked as she tapped her foot impatiently. “And why were you talking about my chest!?”

“Oh… hehehe…” Ruby chuckled weakly as she blushed. “Well… it’s a long, confusing story… you guys probably wanna sit down for this.”

As Team RWBY started retelling everything that had happened since they were first trapped for the summer, Team JNPR knew this was going to be a long discussion and a _very_ long summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game… Quit!  
> Oh thank God! It’s done! Finally! That’s it! Next is the last JNPR chapter and how they ended up crashing into Beacon. See ya, whenever!  
> UknownHero signing off, my friends!


	76. JNPR Finale-Why Are You Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is it! UknownHero here and welcome to another chapter of React Watch Believe Yikes and the final JNPR chapter in the story. Yep, we’re reaching the final stretch and the final chapters of this dumb yet oddly charming story that clearly shows how much of amateur I was before improving my writing style and planning my stories out much more thoroughly.  
> Which I throw out the window as soon as I make a new Word Doc in the RWBY folder for consistency.  
> Anyway, since I started replying on comments, I guess I don’t need to do the whole Q & A thing so… yeah. Let’s get this party started!  
> All songs featured are either English covers of anime songs I found on YouTube or from Rooster Teeth series. I don’t own any of them so yeah.  
> Load Game… Start!

“So… Uh… how do we sum up the last couple of months?” Ruby wondered out loud.

“Oh boy. Well, it all started when you showed you had DVDs of some show you had in your basement for some inexplicable reason and when the airship left without out us leaving up trapped here for the summer. Of course, since we would be the only sapient contact we had for the summer we were either going to either kill each other or watch this show, Red vs. Blue. It quickly went downhill from there.” Blake explained. “And now we have a girl with a Multiple Personality Disorder, Weiss can leave her body as a fucking ghost and may or may not be related to several fictional characters, I have another voice inside my head that wants me to have sex with everything up to and including a chair which I’ve learned to live with, learning Yang can be an unstoppable juggernaut of lava dragons and fire and is actually the only normal one left here apart from the vehicle fetish. And that’s not including the numerous memory relapses, destruction of school property that we are inevitably going to have Weiss pay for, the fucking conspiracy we have based on us watching a dumb internet show, getting beaten up by some random chick, getting sexually harassed, and going insane despite watching a dumb internet show anyway. And don’t get me fucking started on the Noire saga. That was a complete mess. And the show itself is an entire clusterfuck too with A.I., super soldiers and giving jackasses and idiots guns to shoot each other with and being used as cannon fodder. And then we gave up on escape and just accepted the insanity and I WANNA GO HOME!” Blake finished off before crying.

“…Are you guys okay?” Pyrrha asked, still trying work out how… weird the RWBYs had become. After they magically transformed the movie theatre they somehow built back into their dorm room using a laptop, the JNPRs had a lot of questions they wanted answered.

Like why the JNPR dorm room smelled like… regret and tuna.

Blake promised them she slept in the RWBY dorm the whole summer. Repeatedly.

“Uh… We’re… Um… We kinda…” Yang tried to find the right words to explain the situation right now but honestly the words were escaping her right now.

“We’re fine.” Weiss spoke up. “Our sanity is well within acceptable deviations.” She stated calmly, which only caused Pyrrha’s eye to twitch.

“Um… For some reason, that does not inspire confidence in me.” Jaune admitted.

“Just be glad you haven’t found us dead on the floor with bullet holes and each other’s weapons sticking out of our necks.” Ruby sighed.

“Well, despite everything, I’m glad to see you guys are fine after all this time.” Ren said. “Sorry we couldn’t come sooner.”

“It’s alright. You eventually get used to painful loneliness, seeing the same people every day and MOTHERFUCKER DID YOU FUCKING STEAL MY SANDWICH LAST MONTH YOU DAUGHTER OF A WHORE!?” Weiss suddenly started shouting at Blake as she pulled out Myrtenaster. “BECAUSE I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU IN THE-I’m fine. I’m fine… I’m cool… It’s just the heat… I’m fine…” She said as she took some deep breaths as the JNPRs leaned away.

“I don’t think she’s fine.” Nora whispered to her teammates.

“As you can see, our summer kinda sucked.” Yang said with a sigh. “Now I’m wondering about _you guys_ and your summer. It had to be better than ours, right?” Suddenly, the JNPRs just chuckled awkwardly.

“You could say that.” Jaune said.

“Is someone gonna tell me how they crashed the airship into the school?” Blake asked after crying out all her tears. “More specifically, how _you two_ crashed the ship?” She added in as she glared at Weiss and Yang.

“It was good idea at the time! You would’ve agreed with us if you were there!” Yang called out. “Anyway, how the Hell did you manage to get your hands onto an airship anyway!?”

“It’s… a fun story, I guess.” Pyrrha said as she blushed. “You see, it kinda started when we arrived in Vale a few days ago…”

**_(Rewind)_ **

“We passed by the tree Nora crashed into at the start of the summer a few days ago, right?” Ren asked Jaune as they sat in the backseat of the jeep. It was in the early hours of the morning while it was still dark out and it was Pyrrha’s turn to drive the jeep while Nora was listening to Jaune’s music collection in the front and RVIW were trailing behind them in the truck carrying all their instruments.

“The car was still there, fused to the tree.” Jaune replied as he stared out the window.

“And Vale is only, what? Four, five days away?”

“Yep.”

“Which means…”

“Oh my God, we made it…” Pyrrha whispered out as her eyes widened, staring at the city in front of them. “We made it. Holy-I can see Vale!”

“Huh? What?” Nora got out before everyone looked. “Wait, we… we’re…”

“We made it.” Jaune said in an excited tone. “We made it back to Vale! After all this time!”

“We’re coming Team RWBY.” Ren said softly as the sun started to rise. Their goal was within sight, all they had to do was work out the small kink in their plans.

(A few hours later…)

“You have no idea how to get to Beacon, do you?” Hiro deadpanned as they ate their breakfast in a cafe.

“Yeah, we really should’ve prepared a little more than just ‘Get to Vale’…” Jaune admitted.

“Well, it was more like ‘Get to Vale _in a timely_ manner’.” Velvet pointed out. “It took five weeks to get back here. Summer’s ending next week.”

“Then why don’t we just wait until summer’s over? I’m sure the staff will save them when they come in to prepare for the school year.” Sun suggested.

“Yeah, does sound like a good idea…” Ren admitted. “…Why don’t we just wait and let someone else deal with them?”

Suddenly, the group fell silent as they just looked at each other, realizing how dumb they were.

“…But… They’re our friends…?” Nora tried to find a reason to save Team RWBY right now, but didn’t sound confident herself.

“I am sure Team RWBY will be fine if we decide to let someone else take care of them.” Penny stated.

“It’s either you guys pay someone to give you a ride there, steal an airship or do nothing.” Hiro listed off. “…I’m kinda in favour of doing nothing.”

“Aye aye!” Sun spoke up.

“It would be the most logical…” Penny muttered.

“I’m sure they’ll be fine.” Velvet guessed.

“...Gotta admit, with summer ending soon... What’s the point? I wanna spend it with you guys.” Jaune admitted after a bit of time thinking. “It was fun.”

“Yeah… all the singing and stuff… it was amazing…” Nora said.

“Best summer of my life…” Pyrrha said happily as she stared at Jaune. ‘Well, uh… second life…’ She mentally added.

“Well, it’s best to make the most of your time…” Ren said. “Alright, all in favour of doing nothing, say aye!”

“Aye!” Everyone called out.

“And all in favour of saving Team RWBY, say nay!” Jaune called out. Nothing but silence was their response. “Okay! Majority rules!”

“I feel kinda bad… we are basically abandoning them…” Pyrrha mumbled as she rubbed her shoulder, feeling guilty for-

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“That’s not what happened.” Ren deadpanned as the RWBYs glared at them. “I think it was more along the lines of…”

**_(Rewind)_ **

“Majority ru-GACK!” Jaune let out as Pyrrha tackled him.

“And… they’re making out again.” Hiro sighed out. “It’s not even noon! Control yourselves!”

“Waited too long! Never!” Pyrrha said simply before returning to the make-out session. “Fuck Team RWBY!”

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“Oh, thanks guys!” Yang said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. “Glad to see you care about us, you fucktards!”

“Sorry…” Pyrrha apologized. “I was still… getting over the fact that Jaune’s my boyfriend now.”

“You could’ve at least been a little bit more thoughtful…” Ruby grumbled. “By the way, pay up.”

“Oh my God, not you guys too…” Jaune groaned as Weiss and Blake grumbled as they paid their money to Ruby and Yang. “Seriously, even you had bets on us on whenever or not we get together!?”

“ _Everyone in Remnant_ had bets on you guys.” Blake deadpanned. “Someone made a website, for God’s sake, just for that. By the way, congratulations.”

“Thanks for turning my love life into a giant bet.” Pyrrha replied sarcastically. “Anyway…”

**_(Rewind)_ **

“So, now that we’re doing nothing… what are we gonna do?” Hiro asked as he downed the last of his orange juice. “Like Velvet said, summer’s ending next week. After that’s the weekend then the first day of school.”

“Yeah… And it’s not like these days are getting longer…” Nora muttered. “I wanna finish off our summer with one more performance from JNPR and the RVIWs. A concert with lights and awesome music! Like Donut: The Musical!”

“NO!” Everyone else quickly cried out.

“It’s funny the first time, but after 9,999 hours it gets annoying.” Ren said, causing Nora to deflate.

“But it’s a masterpiece…” Nora whined out.

“It’s definitely a piece, alright.” Sun said. “A piece of-“ Suddenly, the loading and aiming of Magnihild in his face shut him up.

“But Nora is right. After this, everyone has to go their separate ways.” Hiro pointed out. “I mean, I have send Penny back to her guardian. JNPR and Velvet are going back to Beacon. Sun, you’re heading back home too. You said you had to fill out some paperwork for a transfer or something. And I’m…”

“Huh? Hiro, what are you gonna after summer’s over?” Pyrrha asked. “You’re not training to be a Huntsman, are you?”

“I’d probably be dead by now if I was.” Hiro replied sheepishly. “Nah, I’ll just probably head home and finish up my studies. You guys won’t be seeing me any time soon.”

“Man, that sucks…” Jaune said as he sighed. “…But hey, it gives us a reason to make the last few days together much more memorable, right? Make the best of what’s left.”

“You got that right.” Sun said. “So, what are we gonna do?”

“…Hey, what’s the tallest building in Vale?” Jaune asked.

“That would be the Oum Productions building.” Ren answered. “Wait, why are you asking us that?”

Jaune just smirked in response.

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“So instead of saving us, you played a concert on top of a building.” Blake deadpanned.

“Yeah. It was so fun too!” Nora said, which only caused the RWBYs to growl. “We spent all day and all night writing songs just for that. We made some really good stuff. Plus, this morning we decided to save you guys anyway.”

“…Who the fuck is Hiro?” Yang asked, confusion in her tone.

“Oh, we met him along the way during a competition.” Pyrrha answered before frowning as she thought back to that day. She was still wondering how Hiro knew about the RWBYs, even before meeting them all. “He was actually a lot of help. Too bad he went back home after the whole thing.”

“What happened to the rest of Team RVIW then?” Weiss asked.

“We’ll get to that soon enough.” Ren answered. “Anyway, back to our side of the summer, after a few days of preparation…”

**_(Rewind)_ **

“Okay, I think we are ready.” Penny stated. They had been practicing the new songs Jaune and Hiro had written all day and they all felt like they were ready to perform them. “Now… how do we get our equipment to the top of the tower in a timely manner?”

“Leave it to me.” Hiro spoke up. “I have a few more favours to turn in.”

“Do you really have enough connections to convince the owner of Oum Productions to let a bunch of teenagers play on top of his building?” Jaune asked skeptically.

“Oh hell no.” Hiro replied. “It’s just that this is gonna get a little more… illegal.” The others only looked at each other as soon as they heard that statement.

“How illegal are we talking?” Sun questioned, genuinely interested.

“As in I need to call my cousin to see if he’s in town.” Hiro replied before pulling out his Scroll and pressing it against his ear. “…Hey, uh… Ig? Yeah, I kinda need you tonight…”

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“Okay, okay. Stop.” Weiss interrupted. “You guys did _what now_?”

“It’s becoming more and more likely you just broke into a high security building.” Ruby pointed out. “But instead of stealing money or some valuable piece of crap, you went through all that effort to go to the roof to play a few songs.”

“Er… We… didn’t… And it wasn’t exactly like that.” Jaune replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It was more like…”

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna go through the entire concert, are you?” Ruby groaned.

“Yes.” Ren deadpanned, causing Ruby to groan even more.

**_(Rewind)_ **

“We’re going directly to the roof!?” Jaune exclaimed as the helicopter one of Hiro’s contacts hovered over the building. “What the fuck!?”

“My cousin and his team’s currently in the building making sure we won’t be interrupted, as well as setting up the broadcast.” Hiro stated.

“Broadcast?!” Ren questioned.

“All over Remnant, baby!” Hiro replied. “Performance of a life time!”

“Your parents are so gonna kill you guys.” Nora giggled out.

“Make the best of what’s left, right?” Pyrrha repeated. “So, I’m assuming we have to perform our own landing strategy?”

‘Please tell me this thing has parachutes…’ Jaune mentally begged.

“Uh… I was thinking more along the lines of just landing the heli but that sounds more fun.” Hiro said with a shrug, causing Jaune to groan. “Well, for you guys.”

“Huh?” Jaune managed to get out before they were all forcefully shoved out of the helicopter. “AAHH!”

“Woo hoo!” Nora cheered out as she did flips in the air.

“Hold on!” Pyrrha called out as she grabbed Jaune in midair.

“Where’s our instruments?” Ren wondered casually. His question was automatically answered by several crates falling past them. “Well, that answers that.”

“Let’s go!” Pyrrha shouted out as they all dived towards the rooftop as she quickly pulled out her weapon. When the crates landed, they automatically opened to reveal all their equipment, ready for use. And after doing various flips and shit (mostly because the author was stuck on how they would land for over a week), landed near their instruments.

“Alright! Let’s do this!” Hiro shouted out and he waved off the helicopter. “Which one do we wanna do first?”

“Hm… How about the boys go first?” Pyrrha suggested. “I listened to their practice session and it’s really good.”

“Er… If you say so.” Sun said. “But after we’re done, you girls are up next.”

“Already on our mind!” Nora shouted out as she got her drum set ready while Penny set up her keyboard. Seeing that they weren’t really needed Pyrrha and Velvet decided to try and play as backup dancers. It was being broadcasted after all.

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“When did this all happen exactly?” Ruby interrupted, looking a bit confused.

“Two days ago at night.” Nora answered. “It was so awesome! I could see there was a crowd surrounding the building even from where we were.”

“I… I forgot, is the internet down?” Yang had to ask. “God, I feel like I’ve been here for years. How the fuck did we miss it!?”

“Er… I think the internet is down…?” Blake guessed. “I don’t think we’ve checked in a while.”

“Can we please get back to the part with the stupid fucking singing and dancing please?” Weiss groaned.

“Alright! Alright! Anyway…” Jaune continued the story.

**_(Rewind)_ **

“Okay, this is it.” Jaune said as he took in a deep breath before smiling at everyone. “Are we ready!?”

“YEAH!” Everyone shouted out.

“Alright! Let this fire start!” Jaune declared as Penny started playing.

 **Jaune:** Somebody gotta keep the fire burnin’

Upgraded while these haters stuck in prior versions

Outpacing all they highest earnings

Get the paper every time you hit the stage like it’s higher learnin’

And now they thinking that he’s lame but

That’s what happens when you keeping up the flame!

Trending topics got them weak enough to change into anything

That’s popping while they see you just the same!

Came out of my shell like one of Koopa’s minions

I’m just trying to excel and get that new position

I’m superstitious, never drive unless the roof is missin’

Old school but I’m still paying new tuition!

They said I’m dedicated to lost cause

Instead of chasing I should’ve taken a long pause

I see them waiting but I’ve never fallen off

Gotta keep the trail blazing like a Molotov

Sun & Hiro!

 **Hiro & Sun: **How he get the flame to light like that?

He’s so lame, why he acting all nice like that?

He’s such a geek, why he talking all white like that?

He ain’t even from the streets, how he write like that!?

 **Ren:** Hold up!

Someone just died today.

Gotta pour a little sip out of the Bombay

That’s for every life that was taken the wrong way

We just tryin’ to get by, but we pray for you all day!

 **Hiro:** Monty!

 **Ren:** I’m trying to get high, lighting up that blue Bic

Two hits’ll float ‘em, like they riding on a cruise ship

I’ve been on the grind, they excited for my new shit

And if they try denying it, they lying, like they Lucius!

It’s tough to keep the flame alive, when middle-aged

Bills got you working overtime just to get ‘em paid.

Used to feel great getting Limit Breaks

Now I got a job that I hate ‘cause they limit breaks.

Huh, somebody said I’m too traditional

Because I value vinyl record over digital

I never do what others do

Individual!

Showing true colours every time I’m in your visual!

 **Hiro & Sun: **How he get the flame to light like that?

He’s so lame, why he acting all nice like that?

He’s such a geek, why he talking all white like that?

He ain’t even from the streets, how he write like that!?

“Guys! That was amazing!” Velvet called out as the girls clapped for the boys after the song.

“Thanks…” Jaune chuckled out. “But it’s your turn now! C’mon, I know you guys worked hard on this.”

“Alright! Let’s switch.” Hiro said as he grabbed his guitar. Jaune quickly got his bass while Nora gave Sun her drumsticks, leaving Ren to play keyboard.

“Is everyone ready to go?” Pyrrha asked as she got her microphone.

“You know it!” Nora replied as the other girls got their microphones, with Nora also having a saxophone on her side. “Hit it, guys!” And with that, Jaune and Hiro started playing the beginnings of the girls’ song as Pyrrha got into the rhythm.

 **Pyrrha:** The sun will rise and we’ll bid farewell to forever!

All our happiness will only be a dream…

Oh darling won’t you stay with me?

‘Cause all these seasons aren’t the same without you!

            In the darkest times you’d always light the way…

So darling won’t you stay…?

 **Pyrrha & Penny: **Flowers start to dance!

Welcoming the springtime…

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **The fields, endless!

Summer’s bringing on the sunshine…

 **Pyrrha & Velvet: **Dazzling moonlight!

Just wishing you were here this autumn night…

 **Pyrrha:** Should winter arrive…

 **Pyrrha, Nora, Velvet & Penny: **I’ll be waiting for sign…

 **Nora:** I find myself going back in time when I close my eyes

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **I see us watching the skies…

 **Nora:** Reminiscing about what we had, us holding hands

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **While I sang you sweet lullabies…

 **Velvet:** Oh so sweet

 **Nora:** But now the summer is gone

And it’s hard to move on

‘Cause now I’m on my own

All these old memories

Coming back to me…

I’m thinking there’s gotta be a way

So I’m heading on out

 **Velvet & Penny: **Off to find my way to you…

 **Nora:** No, I won’t mess around

 **Velvet & Penny: **Swear that I will see this through…!

 **Pyrrha:** The sun will rise and we’ll bid farewell to forever!

All our happiness will only be a dream…

Oh darling won’t you stay with me?

‘Cause all these seasons aren’t the same without you!

            In the darkest times you’d always light the way…

So darling won’t you stay…?

 **Pyrrha & Penny: **Flowers start to dance!

Welcoming the springtime…

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **The fields, endless!

Summer’s bringing on the sunshine…

 **Pyrrha & Velvet: **Dazzling moonlight!

Just wishing you were here this autumn night…

 **Pyrrha:** Should winter arrive…

 **Pyrrha, Nora, Velvet & Penny: **I’ll be waiting for sign…

 **Velvet & Penny: **It’s seven on the dot

Here we are, living free

I wish tonight would go on for eternity…

Will we ever meet again?

Tell me that it ain’t the end

My tears start to flow

Oh baby, please don’t go…

( _Instrumental break!)_

 **Pyrrha:** But now it’s all becoming clear, to me

That if we’re truly meant, to be

Our love won’t fade

And I will break, free

From all this pain

Tearing down all the walls like a mighty hurricane

 **Pyrrha, Velvet, Penny & Nora: **It’s clear, to me

That if we’re truly even meant, to be

Our love won’t fade

And I will break, free

From all this pain

Tearing down all the walls like a mighty hurricane!

 **Pyrrha & Penny: **Flowers start to dance!

Welcoming the springtime…

 **Velvet:** The springtime… whoa…

 **Pyrrha & Nora: **The fields, endless!

Summer’s bringing on the sunshine…

 **Velvet:** Bringing on the sunshine…

 **Pyrrha & Velvet: **Dazzling moonlight!

Just wishing you were here this autumn night…

 **Pyrrha:** Should winter arrive…

 **Velvet:** Dazzling moonlight… hoo hoo hoo…

 **Pyrrha, Nora, Velvet & Penny: **I’ll be waiting for sign…

Baby, let’s dance!

All throughout the springtime…!

Fields are endless!

The summer’s bringing on the sunshine…!

Dazzling moonlight!

Just wishing you were here this autumn night…

Should winter arrive

I’ll still be waiting for sign…

 **Velvet:** The sun will rise…!

 **Pyrrha:** The sun will rise and we’ll bid farewell to forever!

All our happiness will only be a dream…

Oh darling won’t you stay with me?

‘Cause all these seasons aren’t the same without you!

            In the darkest times you’d always light the way…

So darling won’t you stay…?

“Woo! Way to go!” Hiro cheered as Jaune grabbed Pyrrha’s mic.

“Okay! I hoped you like that one as much as we did and now…” Jaune started before realizing something. “Uh… what’s next?” He said, leaning his head away from the microphone.

“Uh… It was… uh… Why I Cry…?” Hiro spoke up. “Oh… uh… crap, we don’t have the right instruments for the next one… stupid lazy cockbites… they didn’t send them yet!”

“Really!?” Sun exclaimed. “What do we do?”

“Make it up as you go along, I guess.” Ren suggested.

“We still need a beat or something to go off of.” Pyrrha pointed out.

“I got it!” Penny happily called out as she pressed a button on het keyboard that was labeled ‘Generic Rap Music’. Not really knowing what to do, everyone decided to wing it as Jaune started off the song.

 **Jaune:** You never seen nothing like this before!

 **Hiro:** What!?

 **Nora:** When the lights in the house crash down

With the sound of respect and pride

For east side!

Where the motherfuckers

Try to slide a ride

And find out it’s the turn of the tide!

So keep it real if you feel what the fucking deal is dropped!

 **JNPR & RVIW: **GUNSHOT!

 **Nora:** That will stop your motherfucking heart like-

 **Velvet:** BOOM!

When I enter the room

And see the stage start to shake and quake

I’m gonna motherfucking bring this house down!

 **Pyrrha:** Bring it back to the floor

Fucking begging for more

‘Til I score like a pedal

Pushing down through the metal

Causing trouble in the treble when the

Bass is racing!

To a too fast motherfucking pace!

 **Penny:** This is the time

Not their time, our time!

Motherfucking time to shine!

Like a diamond buried the shit of a prick

Legit!

Still picking through the ashes left by the sick!

 **Sun:** Unwell hellbent spellbent!

Thinking time is well spent

On these raps we all fucking resent!

Making what you can’t

Like a can of canned plans

Jumbled up

Bundled up like a motherfucking canned can!

 **Hiro:** What!?

 **Jaune:** Generic rap stuff!

 **Hiro:** You know what it is!

 **Jaune:** You know, I don’t build the streets but I don’t cross ‘em!

Look both ways, left and right!

 **Hiro:** Yeah yeah yeah!

 **Ren:** When the lights in the house crash down

With the sound of respect and pride

For east side!

Where the motherfuckers

Try to slide a ride

And find out it’s the turn of the tide!

So keep it real if you feel what the fucking deal is dropped!

 **JNPR & RVIW: **GUNSHOT!

 **Ren:** That will stop your motherfucking heart like-

 **Hiro:** Prepare for future!

A new revolution!

It’s cool as blue

So called the motherfucking crew like “Hey!”

Reaching down saving the day

Like a Superman

Swooping in

Taking down who’s stooping in

 **Jaune:** The murder of rap!

It’s an art of fact!

Like an artifact!

We’re all taking back!

It’s the end of an era

Like a lyrical terror

Being put down!

Shook down!

Bringing back the talent now!

It’s time to remember

Who’s here to surrender?

A motherfucking wave of shit is gonna end here!

 **RVIW:** It’s time to strike! It’s time to rise!

And realize it’s the turn of the tide!

 **JNPR:** It’s time to strike! It’s time to rise!

And realize it’s the turn of the tide!

 **JNPR & RVIW: **Bitch motherfucker! Stay away from me!

Take a hit from this motherfucking symphony!

 **Jaune:** “Pop! Pop!” That’s the sound it’ll make when you drop!

Motherfuckers rolling out!

Go to bitch, jail!

“Well… that went surprisingly well…” Hiro admitted, just as the last crate landed behind them. “Hey, everything’s here.”

“Yes!” Jaune said. “Now, which will we do-“

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“Yeah, after that freestyle song, we got a suggestion to do a song from a guy who wanted to break up with his girlfriend so we did a song called the Naked Song. It was actually kinda shallow but we did have Jaune and Pyrrha sing it. I did hear a lot of slapping for some reason…” Nora continued… until Blake finally snapped.

“CAN WE JUST GET TO THE PART WHERE NORA CRASHES A FUCKING AIRSHIP INTO THE FUCKING SCHOOL ALREADY!?” Blake shouted out. “ALL OF THAT WAS FUCKING FILLER!”

“Okay! Okay! Calm down, Blake!” Ren tried to calm the fuming cat girl. “We’ll skip. Actually… Nora didn’t crash the ship.”

“Really?” Weiss said skeptically.

“Er… what actually happened…” Jaune started.

**_(Rewind)_ **

“NORA! HURRY UP!” Jaune begged, losing cool after two days of this bullshit.

“Hey! Do you wanna crash and die?” Nora called back. “Be quiet and let me pilot this thing!”

“Nora, you’re one of my best friends but if you don’t hurry this up _I will break your legs_.” Pyrrha threatened. The team knew from the get-go that Nora was a horrible driver but they didn’t expect _this_.

“You get used to it eventually…” Ren groaned.

You see, as it turns out, Nora was the only one in the group who actually knew how to pilot aerial vehicles, much to their horror. What they didn’t know was that… Nora was a horrible pilot not because she was reckless or prone to driving straight into the first tree she sees or breaking the laws of physics for long enough to permanently scar them for life. That was restricted to ground vehicles.

It was more like… she was slow.

Unbearably slow.

Like an old lady whose vision was failing at the second type of slow.

The type of slow that meant _they could still see the launch pad from where they stole the airship from two days ago._ They weren’t even a tenth of the way there.

“Old Lady Slow-ra! Hurry the fuck up!” Pyrrha continued to beg and shout. “I wanna get to Beacon some time in this lifetime!”

“Do you want me to turn this ship around!?” Nora threatened.

“It’d probably take her twelve years to turn it one degree…” Ren muttered. He wasn’t exaggerating.

“How much money will it take for you to hurry up?” Jaune had to ask.

“My funeral insurance. Now shut up and siddown!” Nora called out.

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“’Old Lady Slow-ra’?” Yang giggled out as the other RWBYs snickered at the name.

“It was the best insult I could come up with!” Pyrrha defended herself. “Anyway, when do drunk Yang and Weiss come into this anyway? Because there’s not a lot I remember after that.

“Well, guess I’m up.” Ruby said as Weiss and Yang started to blush. “Well, while you guys were dealing with the Old Lady-“

“Hey!”

“-I was trying to get Weiss and Yang back into the dorm…” Ruby said everything got wavy.

**_(Rewind)_ **

“Why am I the responsible one right now!?” Ruby exclaimed as she futilely tried to drag the two drunks back into the dorm for their safety, only to end up being dragged herself to the courtyard. She even brought rope for this occasion.

“Y-You fow *hic* I fiss the JNPRs…” Weiss admitted, her face red from all the alcohol. “Fey were fo fun… and the beth *hic*… they fere like family to me…! Better than that son of a bitch of a brother of mine!” She then started laughing. “Y-You know! I kinda relate to Tucker…”

“How?” Yang had to ask, her legs barely keeping her standing.

“Y-You know the fart fhwere fupple dinkle grapple shemckle dkjpfjauawefaew…” Weiss then fell asleep on the spot, not even collapsing onto the ground as her head tipped forward.

“Oh! So that’s why you do that shit alone!” Yang said, somehow understanding Weiss’ slurred words. “Well I do it too! Vigorously! All the time in Ruby’s bed…”

“YOU DO WHAT NOW!?” Ruby exclaimed. “What are you talking about!?”

“We should invite the JNPRs here, right!? Great idea, Buttqueen!” Yang said. Ruby was now confused and a little creeped out at this point.

“What did you just call me?” Ruby asked as Yang pulled out the laptop. “Wait a minute, WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU… When did you get the laptop!?”

“Infinite boob storage… The best type of Duperman IV: Quest for Peace.” Yang said as she casually typed in the laptop.

_Team JNPR suddenly arrives onto the scene making a grand entrance in the process._

Suddenly, there was a pop as an airship appeared right in front of the school with the JNPRs standing on top at the tip, looking rather confused before looking down to see they had their instruments. Jaune had his bass, Ren and Pyrrha had guitars and Nora had her drum set.

“Er… What?” Jaune let out as Ruby and Yang stared in awe. For some reason the JNPRs felt playing a song and with a shrug, they started playing the first song that came to their heads.

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **I keep a picture of you

But I don't know just what I'd do…

If I saw you face to face right now…!

You know I've always loved you

If I could stop myself I would…

But there's no easy way to

End! How I feel!

And to change! What was real!

Though we try to fade to black!

In the end we come right back!

 **Jaune:** Now That We've

 **JNPR:** Come! So Far!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **How can we ever start again!?

 **JNPR:** Memories would lead us back instead we just pretend!

 **Jaune:** Now That We've

 **JNPR:** Come! So Far!

 **Ren & Nora: **But love that never ends…!

 **Jaune:** Keeps us!

 **Jaune & Nora: **Holds us!

 **Jaune, Nora & Pyrrha: **Leads us!

 **JNPR:** Always tearing us a part…

Again…!

 **Nora & Ren: **Kimi no shashin miru tabi…

Omouyo moshi ima

Kimi ni attara doh naruka…!

Tsutto kimi na suki

Akirameyo toe shita

Kedo kantan janai sa!

Kako oh! Kai e doo! Kotowa!

Demo owarasedu

Demo kitto mododu!

 _(Instrumental break!_ )

 **Jaune:** Now That We've

 **JNPR:** Come! So Far!

 **Jaune & Pyrrha: **How can we ever start again!?

 **JNPR:** Memories would lead us back instead we just pretend!

 **Jaune:** Now That We've

 **JNPR:** Come! So Far!

 **Ren & Nora: **But love that never ends…!

 **Jaune:** Keeps us!

 **Jaune & Nora: **Holds us!

 **Jaune, Nora & Pyrrha: **Leads us!

 **JNPR:** Always tearing us a part…

Again…!

“Wha-What did I fiss?” Weiss mumbled as she woke up and saw the airship. “…How flong was I fout!?”

“Hey, isn’t that the RWBYs!?” Nora called out as she leaned over her drum set.

“Wait… Yeah! It is!” Pyrrha exclaimed. “How the Hell did we end in Beacon!?”

“We need to land! Now!” Ren said.

“Right! Nora! Head down and shut off the autopilot!” Jaune ordered. Nora, however, just chuckled nervously.

“Er… this ship doesn’t _have_ an autopilot.” Nora said.

There was a moment of silence as soon as those words left Nora’s mouth.

Until all hell broke loose.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“And… that’s why you’re here.” Ruby finished with a sigh.

“I’m so sorry…” Weiss apologized.

“Well, that sucks.” Blake mumbled out.

“It was a really good idea at the time…” Yang muttered.

“So… We’re trapped here for the rest of the summer, huh?” Nora groaned. “Luckily, it’s only one more week before school’s back.”

“Hey, you never told us how you guys got stuck here.” Jaune pointed out. “At least, I don’t think so.”

“What happened? Shouldn’t Beacon staff be more thorough than to leave for students here to fend for themselves?” Pyrrha said.

“They should’ve…” Weiss grumbled. “Long story short, we were late and the ship left without us. I swear, I was keeping time while we were packing! One of us must’ve got the time wrong or something.”

“Y-Yeah… One of us…” Yang mumbled quietly, remembering her mistake with the tickets.

“We kinda stopped bothering to blame each other after a while.” Blake admitted. “No point in arguing about it.”

“You know, I swore the airships were gonna leave a four.” Ruby said. “But, I guess we made a mistake because they left at three.”

“Yeah…” Pyrrha said before pausing. “Wait, what? The airships _were_ leaving at four. It was on the tickets you all should’ve gotten.”

“I still have the ticket.” Ren said as he pulled it out of his pocket and showed it to the RWBYs.

“What the… The fuck!?” Yang exclaimed. “It says four here!”

“But I checked the clock! It was three when it left!” Weiss shouted out. “And I make sure to keep it at the right time so we wouldn’t be late for anything!”

“The airship left an hour earlier than it should’ve…” Blake muttered. “How could that happen? There should’ve been a checklist to make sure all students were accounted for before leaving.”

“It’s really strange… How did… this…” Ruby started before trailing off as she saw Pyrrha sweat profusely. “Uh… Pyrrha…”

“Er…” Pyrrha started as she started laughing nervously.

**_(Rewind)_ **

“Come on! We’re gonna be late!” Nora called to her team as they entered the airship. It was the first day of summer and Pyrrha was very much looking forward to it, especially as it entailed going on a road trip with Jaune.

“Nora! It’s only an hour before it leaves.” Ren pointed out. “Wait a minute before you go in. We need our names checked off before we go.”

“Aw… fine…” Nora sighed as she went back to solid ground as Jaune talked to the guy with the electronic checklist.

“Team JNPR.” Jaune said. “Jaune Arc, Pyrrha Nikos, Lie Ren and Nora Valkyrie.”

“Okay… all set.” The guy said as he checked off their names. “I hope you’re the last ones to arrive. If it is, we get to leave early.”

“Oh, sweet!” Jaune cheered out.

“Hey, did you see the RWBYs anywhere?” Pyrrha asked her leader.

“Not since this morning. No.” Jaune replied before noticing something. He knew it was summer but why was he feeling hot all of a sudden.

“Uh… Jaune.” Pyrrha said, looking rather worried. “Er… You’re on fire.”

“Huh? Oh.” Jaune said casually... before realizing what Pyrrha just said. “Wait, WHAT!? Oh, shit!” He swore as he ripped off his hoodie and started stomping out the flame on it, revealing his lean build that Pyrrha had been developing throughout the year.

Pyrrha couldn’t help but shudder at the sight and drool a little. She could cut cheese on abs.

Meanwhile, without noticing, Pyrrha’s Semblance set off and deleted Team RWBY from the checklist while the guy was going through it.

“Okay, I think that’s it.” The guy said after double-checking the list. “We’re good to go. You guys really are the last ones to be checked off. We’re leaving, so you better come aboard. You don’t want to get trapped here, do you?” The guy laughed at that. No way would anyone would want to get trapped inside a school for an entire summer. They’d go crazy.

“Okay.” Jaune said as he put on hoodie and snapping Pyrrha out of it. “Come on, let’s go!”

“Alright.” Pyrrha said as she climbed aboard the airship, smiling all the while. ‘This is gonna be the best summer ever.’ She thought as the airship started its preparations to take off. Absently, she wondered while in her trance she did something with her Semblance, as it did have a tendency to set off when she lost focus but shrugged and enjoyed the ride to Vale.

Meanwhile, in the RWBY dorm, Blake was reading a book while wearing earmuffs on both sets of her ears to block out the noise of the outside world, which includes Yang and Weiss arguing, Ruby trying to calm them down and to get them back to packing and the last airship leaving without them outside their window.

**_(Fast Forward)_ **

“…What.” Ruby got out, her eye twitching all throughout Pyrrha’s little story. “You… what.”

“Er… so it was kinda my fault…” Pyrrha said. “Um… sorry…”

The RWBYs only twitched and glared at the team that was supposed to save them.

“So… not only did you stop caring about us… you got us trapped here in the first place…” Weiss stated clearly.

“There’s only a week left.” Ren pointed out.

“And… I’m sure you bonded over the summer…” Jaune weakly added in.

“You know, being trapped here with your friends doesn’t sound like a bad idea…” Nora admitted.

The RWBYs only stared at them.

“…Well, I have ten minutes until my brain finally comprehends everything and shuts down, with the result being me slipping into another coma. Wanna have some fun?”

“Oh yes. Very much yes.”

“Noire, you’re back on stage.”

“You godfucking-shitheaded-pooeating-foureyed-bigheaded-pedofilic-godforesaken-pissdrinking-assfucking-homofilic-beerbellied-mophaired-cronical-heroinaddicted-tetanussuffering-monkeyassed-cocksucking-hepatitisinfected-gangreneinfested-pimplefaced-bugeyed-gasolineinhaling-cokewhore-cuntfilled **_COCKBITE!_** ”

And with simultaneous activation of their Aura Modes, the JNPRs last thoughts before waking up in hospital beds was that this, without a doubt… was the best summer ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Save Game… Quit!  
> Done! It’s finally done! Next chapter is finally the beginning of the end! Holy shit! Oh fucking god, it’s almost over! I’ve been stuck on this chapter for days! Finally! This entire chapter was just a set up for the JNPRs trapping the RWBYs in Beacon!  
> UknownHero signing off, my friends!


End file.
